you
You
Ginger
Good evening everyone.
Hello Hello. Good to see you
all. It is eight o'clock we'll
wait for a minute or so for
everyone to join in and I have
some cool things we're going to
chat about. Hopefully some
people are going to get in some
love seats tonight. We're going
to have some fun I hope you guys
laugh a little bit too. We can
be fun. You know dating isn't
all scary and bad there's a lot
of really funny things that
happen and there's a lot of
really fun stuff that happens in
the midst of, you know, all the
other things that we kind of
have to deal with. So I'm going
to share a little bit of that.
It kind of just popped up in my
mind. You know, I'll just share
kind of like when I was on the
apps. I really didn't want to go
back on the apps. I had been in
a relationship before I met
someone on eHarmony and it did
not go well, but I blew through
all the red flags so that I had
to take some responsibility for
that. So I said I would never
get back on the apps and at
least not in a while. And so I
go on the really it was
mostly Facebook dating where I saw
this and there were just like
some crazy ones that if I'm being
honest like wow, like
okay. Yeah, we're never going to
match like, you know, so I think
sometimes y'all like I'm a
pretty serious person, but I've
really learned. I'm actually a pretty
silly fun person when I
feel safe around people and
I've really learned more so
over the last few years to
just like laugh at myself a
little bit, you know, laugh at the situation
have fun with stuff, you
know, I would have never said anything to
those guys, but there were times that I was even
kind of like to my best and
y'all I'm like, I don't make fun of
people. So don't take me the wrong way.
I just there were a couple
screenshots. I sent my best friend
and I said, what do you think about this one?
Now I was joking and then
I sent ones that are I was being real about
but I think this is where like
you got to have fun with it a little
bit because if you don't
and again, I'm not saying belittle people
or or really put people
down like I didn't sit and, you know, make a long thing out of it, but, you know, it was just fun to
in a position to
make fun of people.
I'm just saying
kind of bring my, you know, my friend that has been married forever into that with me by kind
don't make fun of people
because if you don't
and again, I'm not saying belittle
people or or really put
of just making it a little lighthearted and fun. And so sometimes we need to just enter the dating
people in a position to
make fun of people
apps with that mindset. Yes, you're going to have to swipe on some people. Sometimes you're going to
be swiping for a while, and then you're going to find one that you really like. And so just
understand that, you know, on the dating apps, it's kind of hit or miss, and you're going to
find a diamond in the rough on occasion, and sometimes you're going to find people you're
not sure about. So I want to talk a little bit about my, the first person actually I got set up
through the program with someone that was in 1822 at the time. I don't think he is anymore.
And we never, you know, we really want to be careful to not share names because you never
know. It might not be a yes for you. Like some of these guys I swiped and said, you know, to my
friend, hey, what do you think? You know, well, that's someone else. Someone's going to really
love that person, and that's going to be their person. So we want to be careful about that.
But this gentleman was a very nice guy, very polite. We had some good conversation on Zoom.
We got together and had a date in person, hung out. We, it was very nice. We had dinner. We
went for a walk along this like river. But one of the things I found, and the reason I brought,
wanted to bring this person up in particular, is that I kept feeling like, I don't know if
he's fun enough for me. Like, I really wanted someone that would be fun, be funny, have a sense
of humor, because I had been with people that didn't have any of those things in the past and
didn't live in that space. And in this next season, I didn't want just see, now you all know,
I mean, I love the Lord with everything in me, and I will serve the Lord until I die.
But I also came out of a religious background, and so I didn't want to get into a situation,
again, where they were very religious and could never have fun. Okay, so go on a couple of dates
with this guy, and he treats me really nice, but there's no like, he didn't even like ask,
could he hold my hand? And I'm not even saying I wanted him to, but like, there was no like,
I could never figure out what was going on there. And so we went on another date, I think after that,
but from there, he ended up saying he just wanted to be friends, which was totally fine. You know,
of course, my feelings were a little hurt at that time, but then he wanted to keep
connecting with me on Zoom. And I was like, well, I really appreciate your friendship,
but I'm not looking to just be friends with guys and connect with guys on Zoom. I'm looking for my
spirit mate, and I can't give you that space, because I need to have that space for whoever
I meet. And at first, I think that took him, I think that took him back a little bit.
And I wasn't mean about it or anything, but at the end of our conversation, you know, we
agreed good terms, you know. But I want to bring that up, because I think that there are a lot of
times where we can feel guilty and just say, yeah, let's just keep connecting, or we worry that we're
not going to find anybody else. So we just keep connecting with these people on Zoom. But like,
if we keep doing that, then we, it really holds us back from moving towards our spirit mate. And
like I said, having the space and the capacity emotionally, mentally, physically for them.
So I would love, if there's anybody that's currently in that kind of situation right now,
or maybe you're not sure if you're in that situation, where the person might be trying
to friend zone you or whatever, if you're willing to get into the love seat tonight,
would love to talk that out a little bit with you. Melissa, are you saying yes,
that you want to be in the love seat? Can't tell. Maybe she was just saying she's been in
that situation. If anyone, oh, okay. That's okay. Is there anyone that is in this situation like
that, or you're just not sure where things are at in the relationship, the dating relationship
you're in and you want to talk through that tonight? No one? Okay. So Melissa, you can go
in. You can, I need to find you now. If you can raise your hand, I can find you a lot quicker.
All right. Awesome. And then I saw Terry said something too and Rochelle. Okay. So
i'm going to pin some Melissa can everybody see Melissa.
awesome okay go ahead and unmute Melissa and let's kind of hear what's going on.
Okay sorry i'm finishing up my day at work so you're gonna have to look at me and my scrubs.
I think many of y'all have seen my little dilemma on.
i'm a group post and all that but i've.
been seeing a guy for like three weeks he's long distance.
i've traveled there twice because he has a young child my kids are all adults.
This last time that I went to visit him I literally had a panic attack.
The second second day because he pays for everything like for me to stay in hotels and that kind of stuff very respectful, we have a blast together it's very easy to be around him.
Easy conversations, the only drawback I have is I haven't seen a deeper side of him as far as like spirituality goes that kind of thing.
He is a believer we've.
beginning.
But I guess I don't know if i'm looking for something a little more.
i'm not in your face, but you know just more fluent in his life and more to be more conversational about it to be more practicing and actually making me see.
He has a master's in eschatology all of that kind of stuff, but you know my thing is, you can be a theologian all you want, but to have a relationship with the Lord is more important to me.
So how many you guys have had how many dates in person to.
So because we're long distance and I stay there, then it's it ends up being like a two or three in the same weekend.
Okay, so you've had multiple dates.
Okay, so this is good, so I think just from even listening to jackie's last asked jackie she talks about this a little bit in there when when you are seeing someone that's long distance and you're traveling to see them.
Most times you're going to have more serious conversations on the front end so definitely I would, I would encourage you to start asking him like just.
What is it that he believes or what is he envisioned for his relationship with the Lord going forward, one of the questions I asked on Brian via text.
Just to kind of find out from my perspective I didn't want to come at it super religious, but I wanted to get an idea of what is his relationship with the Lord look like.
So I just asked him what would, if you had a day to spend with Jesus just you and Jesus, what would that look like for you.
that's good.
You know, and and hopefully when people you know they get that kind of question some people might get nervous you never know different people handle it differently.
But you'll you'll find out more about them if they do get nervous you can find out why does that make you know if they start to act out of you know the ordinary you can ask more like deeper questions.
But I think that's a good opening versus hey do you just go to church, because if you're really wanting to know about their relationship with Jesus.
That's a fun way to just kind of open that door up and if they don't know how to answer, they might say i'm not sure how to answer that.
So you might want to have a follow up kind of in your pocket that might be a little bit different, but still kind of fun I I did a lot of Google searches for fun questions.
that might be a little bit different, but still kind of fun I I did a lot of Google searches for fun questions.
about all kinds of stuff like I wanted the conversations to be upbeat to be light hearted, but also at times I would pull out the serious ones and.
And then even the guys that like when I was dating and talking to Brian like I encouraged him to to do the same thing.
hey when we get together tonight come with it like some questions that you want to ask me like things you want to know about me.
And that really that really us conversational wise and it kept it fun on both sides, but I would definitely encourage you at this point to to start having those conversations, because that does matter to you.
And it's important for you to know you know if you guys are running at the same pace with the Lord is the way that I have learned to look at it.
Okay yeah yeah.
Thank you for.
yeah my pleasure, we look forward to hearing how it goes.
Keep me to we're supposed to have a conversation tonight because, like I said, I had a panic attack and I literally was like I gotta go by and I drove.
Okay, so be sure we're not in hard work tonight, but be sure you lean into that as well.
yeah absolutely.
awesome thanks for sharing Rochelle how about you.
hey.
Um, thank you for doing this.
Um, it's actually, I have not actually met this guy.
We've, um, talked a little bit last fall when I was online dating before I kind
of took a step back to finish doing some things in some, uh, in my life to get
things to where I needed them to be before I could step into that.
I felt like I've already done the hard work, um, last year and, um, this year
he's reached out, reached out to me once or twice, probably more like four or
five times over the last six months, just to chat here and there, but just
recently he made it clear he was interested again and so, um, and she
was interested if I was ready and interested in getting to know him.
And so we've had a few good conversations again, kind
of re getting to know each other.
Um, the challenge that I have is I'm not sure when I do talk to him, I'm
not sure if I'm getting where he sees his life going with the Lord.
Does that make sense?
Like he wants to get a dad, he wants to be in the church, get
married and have children.
That's something, but it doesn't like there's any more of a plan.
For his purpose, for his life, like his passion, if it makes any sense.
Um, other than to be a good Christian.
And that for me worries me a little bit personally.
Um, cause I feel like he doesn't have much direction, like what is really
going for, what kind of home he wants to have in ministry and we have.
Sorry.
Did you say that you guys have been on a date or you haven't met it?
We've not met.
We've only talked, we assumed, um, FaceTimed, um, and talked to
text and voice messenger too.
Okay.
So are you guys spending a lot of time on zoom and phone, but
you're not meeting in person?
No, we aren't.
We met, we talked probably about two or three weeks, um, in the fall.
Um, and this is before I fully understood that I kind of needed to, you know, we
went, we eventually did a zoom a few times, but then we haven't talked for like
six months consistently or anything like that.
So we just picked it up a week ago, a week or so ago.
Um, and I'm just trying to figure out what I need to do to kind of.
I'm, I'm not like drawn to him either, but I don't want that to be my reason for
not going forward and getting to know him.
If that makes sense.
I'm not like a pulled lamb, but I'm just not like, wow, I'd really like to get
to know this guy, if that makes any sense.
Yeah.
Some people just are not, and I'm not saying this is for everyone.
You all, some people just are not good on camera.
Um, I would drop the hanky and say, you know, there's some things I would
really love to have, you know, some more in-depth conversations with you.
Would you be willing to get together in person?
See what he says.
I mean, I, you know, I don't think it's like Jackie said, I don't think we have
to always wait for the guys cause they're just as nervous as we are.
You all.
So dropping the hanky, like that's what I did with Brian.
He wanted to know, um, what my deal breakers were.
And I remember like, oh my gosh, to my, my back then we had the smaller bridal
parties and I said to my group, like, what do I do?
And Jackie said, tell him your deal breaker about the Lord.
Like you will not like the person has to love Jesus.
And then she said, and then say, like, if you want to know my additional
deal breakers, you know, let's jump on video.
Well, I decided not to see that.
I said, if you want to know my additional deal breakers, like
we can get together sometime.
And so he was like, how about this Sunday?
And so we ended up getting together that Sunday and it was great.
We had really awesome conversations and I got to know a lot about him.
He got to know a lot about me.
Um, that was the time, um, you know, I was living in a different state from him.
So he drove four hours to have coffee with me all to just have coffee.
He, uh, drove that time.
We had, uh, we probably sat there two or three hours and talked, and then he
drove four hours back to Indiana afterwards.
Uh, now he could have chosen to stay in a hotel, but you know, these are the
kinds of things, like if you drop the hanky and he doesn't catch on, you might,
you might want to just kind of put feelers out in other places.
Is there anyone else you can meet and kind of, you want to practice
dating a little bit too, you know?
Let me ask you this.
That's great advice.
Um, I, I, I, um, wonder what his response would be because literally just the other
day he made a call because we were talking back and forth and he's like, well, I'm
just kind of curious why, you know, you're, you know, you know, communicating
more with me now and like, I left him a message saying, you know, thank you for
letting me know that you're interested again, it was kind of like confusing.
Like, well, I mean, obviously I'm ready to start getting to date again.
Cause I explained to him when I stopped talking to him after two, three weeks in
the fall, I was just taking a break for a little while and not saying no, never.
Just not right now.
I just was very clear up front.
And so this past time when he left a message, it was like, well, I'm just
kind of curious, like, you know, why are you, you know, what's made you ready?
And he's like, in the distance you're four hours away.
I'm not really crazy about a long distance relationship, but, you know,
I mean, it could work, but, and I was just like, then why are you messaging?
I was a little confused by that.
So I'm just like, that was another thing that was like, like a, almost like adult,
you know, like a bait and switch, like, oh, I'm interested in you, but the
distances I'm like, well, I don't even know you do it.
I'm not going anywhere.
So, you know, until we figure out where this is going on its potential.
I mean, I would, I would think at this point, just ask him, you know, like I
said, drop the hanky if he doesn't pick that up, it's probably, maybe you just
need to like, say, Hey, if you don't think this is something you're interested
in because I'm long distance, you know, bless him in the Lord, like, don't feel
like, I think the biggest thing that I learned from, from my process is like,
We want to give people a chance, but there's this balance there.
We don't want to keep like trying to make something work that isn't working.
So I'll give an example.
There was a guy, um, one of the guys that I went on a date with, um,
he was kind of a nice guy.
I liked that he was into dancing and all this stuff, but as I was
hearing him talk about his life.
And I, and when I say this, I know sometimes there's just situations
that are out of people's control.
Um, so I don't fault him for this, but he was in the midst of this
really ugly custody battle.
And the, my prior history, I was married to someone that had massive
custody battle issue issues and really crazy ex, and then dated the girl's dad,
my spiritual daughters, their dad, and he always had drama.
And so I was kind of like, Oh, I don't know if I want to invite
that kind of back in my life.
And, um, but there were things that intrigued me about him.
And so I kind of did the same thing with him.
And, uh, he lived about an hour and a half away and he
drove to have a date with me.
It was okay.
We went on a walk, we hung out, we had lunch, uh, he paid for my lunch, but
you know, I wasn't really feeling anything with this, this young guy.
Um, I mean, he wasn't crazy younger than me, but he was a little bit younger and
he just seemed a little immature for me.
And so I think that's where, like, when you get around people, we don't
have to make everybody fit.
Um, and, and I just kind of knew after that day, like it felt hard.
Like it felt like we were trying to make conversation happen.
It didn't feel like it flowed.
Um, and so I just, you know, after that, let him know, like, I really
appreciated, you know, that date and, uh, and all that.
And at first he got really offended.
Um, but I just was like, look, I'm, I'm trying to be really nice and about this.
I'm not saying there's something wrong with you.
I'm just saying, I don't feel like we're a good fit, you know,
at this season in our lives.
And then he was good with things and then, you know, went on the way.
And I bring that up because again, I think I could have like held on to that
guy because I, you know, we, we get into these panic modes sometimes, but then
if we don't release that stuff, we can't go on to find who our spirit mate is.
So really be in prayer too.
I guess is why I'm saying that be in prayer.
Ask the Lord, you know, is this, is this guy someone I should keep trying to make
something work out with, to have the conversation with him, drop that
hanky and see what happens.
Okay.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Yeah.
Hey Laura.
Hello.
I'm sorry.
I'm driving.
So that's camera on.
Um, so I, I do have a question.
I guess it almost feels like a little bit of a, of a situation maybe.
Um, I've been hanging out with one man.
We went out a bunch last weekend and it's just been clear, you know, he's
thought it's been clear to me anyway, that he has a lot of hurt.
Um, he, you know, does a lot of hard work and programs and he's very
interested in talking and being vulnerable, um, which I resisted, um,
kind of initially, and I did decide that I just needed to, you know, go ahead
and have some vulnerable conversations and let him know where I was.
Um, and that was all well and good.
I was feeling a little bit though, like I was getting a little bit of attachments
and some maybe like anxious types of things because I did a little bit of
attraction and he like checks off a lot of the boxes.
Um, I'm not really sure he's ready or even if he is ready, that it wouldn't be
more codependent instead of like a joyful thing.
Um, so anyway, I belong to, and one of the things he's taught has talked about
was how he just doesn't really have his community right now.
He was part of a very large church that had a very kind of traumatic scandal.
Um, and he's very close to leadership, uh, a few years, years back.
So one of my thought processes is almost maybe kind of friend zone this guy and
invite him into my community.
Um, but I'm not entirely sure I'll be terribly comfortable.
On the other hand, I don't know, I guess I just want to care more about maybe
divine appointments and, and, you know, I don't, I don't know.
I don't know if that's just a bad boundary.
So this is my, my initial thought is, you know, pretty much everybody's going to have
a lot of hurt.
And I'm not, I'm not like negating, you know, cause you're going to, the more you get to
know him, you'll learn more about that.
Cause there are some people where they just really stay in that place.
Even if they've done a lot of hard work, I mean, a lot of you all even know, like you
did a ton of work.
I did a ton of work before I came into this supernatural heartwork program, but man, this
thing changed my life.
And so I think we could equate it to something like that as well.
I mean, if he seems like a good guy, like how many days did you say you all have had?
I've seen him, I've seen him in person four times and we've had one probably significant
phone conversation.
One of the dates was, I did post it out at my, my, my friend had a death in the family
and we had concert tickets to the concert in Palm desert, which is about an hour and
a half away.
So we drove up there and we went and saw a concert and drove back.
So it was, you know, it was a lot of time.
That way, he's a, he's a good Christian man.
You know, he has, you know, some, some assets, he's got some younger kids.
I mean, I think he's kind of positioned in a lot of ways.
I don't feel terribly afraid of, you know, I believe he'll get over the hurt.
I just think that's where he is now.
And I don't necessarily mean, I guess the friend zoning would be just more that I could
take him into my community without feeling I was brushing a relationship.
Well, so this is the thing.
So this is the other thought I had is I don't think you need to be the problem solver for
him.
You don't need to solve his community problem.
If you want to invite him into 1822, I think that's a great solution.
That would be a great men's community to get him involved in.
There's a lot of awesome guys over there.
David's doing a great job, kind of, there's a lot of men going through heart work over
there right now.
So that would be my recommendation to you because then you get into fixer, kind of,
not that I'm saying you're being a mom, but mom mode.
Oh, I see that.
Yeah, he doesn't need you to do that.
He just wants to go on some dates with you and let's see where it goes from there.
And then the other thought I had is that, you know, even when, you know, Brian and I
got and decided we were going to be in a relationship together.
I mean, y'all were never all the way healed, either one of us.
And so even now, like we're both still healing, you know, different things happen
and you're growing.
And so I could have looked at some of the things he background he had and some of
the things he went through and there was still some pain and some of his situations
just like mine.
And if I had judged him and got kind of like, well, no, I can't go forward with
him because he's got these hurts, then I might not end up finding anyone.
So again, I think learning the balance there, if he's very anxious and he has a
lot of that regarding his past and his trauma, that is probably just he needs
more healing.
But that doesn't mean he wouldn't be like a good connection.
We would need to know more to make that assessment.
Right.
Yeah, I think he has the potential to be a good connection.
I think that part, it would just, you know, would have made it easier for me to
kind of let him in closer proximity than I might otherwise.
But I think you're saying, you know, I could send him to do the heart work.
Or he can find his own direction.
He can find his own direction because he's a grown man.
I guess it feels a little like he's trying to tell me, you know, what he needs
and pushing some of those conversations.
But, you know, we'll have more time, I guess, to see what that is.
Yeah.
And sometimes the guys are just expressing what they're going through.
But we interpret it as because we are fixers, we're helpers, and our stuff
kind of goes off.
How can we fix it?
How can we help it?
If he's specifically asking you for help, that's different.
So maybe when you guys are talking about this stuff, also asking him some
clarifying questions would be really good.
You know, like, are you talking to me about this because you are asking for me
to help you find community?
And then you guys have it clarified versus guessing.
Yeah.
So good.
Love this.
Laura, all the ladies.
Miriam, I'll come to you in just a minute.
I'm going to bring another kind of concept up to see if anybody else can
relate to this.
us. And we'll circle back for more loveseat people to jump in here. So on the note of when I met
Brian, Brian, as I mentioned, was long distance. You know, we really found that it helped set the
pace instead of being afraid of long distance. You know, we made intentional decisions on how
we were planning visits when I came out to visit him. I forget who it was that mentioned when they
went to visit how, maybe that was Melissa, how he paid for the hotels. Like, you know, not everyone's
going to be able to do that. So like what Brian did is he went and stayed at his mother's house
and he gave me his house. You know, so, but again, there's that chivalry, there's that planning, that
intentionality. But in the beginning for, I think it was the first month, the first full month, he drove
to me every time. Now that was just him being chivalrous, that really mattered to him. But want
to talk a little bit also like about the, like what are the things that like anyone that's in a
long distance, I guess is what I'm trying to say. Is there anyone dating someone long distance that
you want to talk that through? What that looks like? How to navigate that?
If you haven't been in the love seat already.
All right. Melissa Joy, go ahead.
Like go ahead and talk. Yep. Oh, okay. So somebody reached out to me on single nation
and I would not have really responded due to some of his religious verbiage, but Jackie said it's
yes to let's know. So we text a couple of times, voicemail a couple of times and have something
set up to like FaceTime on Saturday. But he said a couple more things that I'm just like,
because I'm going to a prophetic school at Bethel and he's like, oh, that's interesting. Do you like
have prophetic giftings or something? It's just like, wow. I just think we're swimming in really
different waters, but he's funny and fun. Like, so I feel like I want to give the three dates until
it's a no. Well, I just kind of know with the sense of like an integrity, I can't keep going
forward. We're past like the exploring and. So is he long distance? Cause you're in Paris, right?
Yeah. He's in Jersey. Okay. So he's in Jersey and you're in Paris.
So you guys would do zoom dates. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't think it hurts to get to know someone
if it helps you at all. So, um, one of the first conversations early on the first serious,
I should say for serious conversations, Brian and I had, um, I have Pentecostal backgrounds.
Brian grew up Methodist. Um, so he just, he doesn't not believe in some of the things I like
speaking in tongues and stuff, but I do believe in that. And I knew that anyone I would end up
marrying, they would have to not necessarily like have those same giftings, but they would need to
let me be who I am. Cause I wasn't going to be in a relationship where I had to like stifle
or hide who I am. Um, and so one of the things I've found is like our, where we are at, like
we've balanced each other really well. So I don't think it always has to be that you have to have a
spirit mate that has all the same giftings or understanding that you have. Um, and so like
even some of the background and knowledge Brian's gone to like, I mean, so much schooling, he has
his doctorate degree. I mean so much spiritual knowledge. Um, but I bring a whole different
thing, you know, to the table. So I guess is your question, um, about like, is your question,
should you do Zoom dates with him to get to know him? Well, I guess now with the rubber meets the
road, it's like, what does the yes until it's a no really look like? Um,
well, it's getting to know someone until you like, there's something that makes it a no.
Okay. So if he's never going to, I mean like you just moved to Paris, right? Yeah. A year ago. Are
you wanting to move back to New Jersey? Never. I'm in Paris. Is he wanting to move to Paris?
I don't know. You might want to ask him because you don't want to get too emotionally involved
either with someone that has no desire to relocate. You're in a whole different country.
Yeah. So yeah, just asking, and that can be super lighthearted.
Hey, like I know you're in New Jersey. I'm in Paris. I just moved here. You know,
a lot would enjoy getting to know you, but just on the front end, like I know that I live here and
I'm not at this season of my life going to be moving. Yeah. You know, just kind of open the
door and let that conversation happen. Okay. Thank you. That's very encouraging and helpful.
I appreciate it. Yeah. My pleasure. Anyone else want to talk about long distance?
I have a question about dating long distance to someone being born to count as a no,
even if they are nice. I do have a question. It's Miriam. Yeah. My question is actually around
long distance communication. So I started talking to this guy. I don't know now long,
probably a week. It's been a week now or over a week, a couple of weeks, but I just have not been
responding. It takes me like a whole day to respond to him sometimes like two days later
to respond just because I wasn't really that interested. But at the same time, I wanted to
just kind of keep him there and, and just still kind of get to know him. And the reason
that I'm not really that interested is because he, he's in Boise, he's in Idaho. And I am in
Canada, I'm in Edmonton, that's not a deal breaker, really, like I'm willing to go anywhere.
However, he is, he also has a kid, and he's a believer. He has a toddler, a two year old.
And he was not married. So I'm like, I'm, I didn't want to judge him. But at the same time,
that's kind of a, I don't know, I don't know if you consider that like a yellow flag, or red flag,
like, during COVID, he was living with someone or some something happened there, obviously, that,
that, you know, he got someone pregnant. And it sounds like it was like a toxic relationship.
And when I asked, like with a girl, a believer as well, and he said, Yes, but like coming from
like a Catholic background. And so um, and it's also just we've, we FaceTime and he was really,
like really interested in all of that. And so lately, though, when I was thinking like, yeah,
maybe I will give him a chance. Then he started kind of backing off. So like, he used to like,
text me every single morning, even if it takes me forever to respond to him. And lately, as of two,
maybe two days ago, he stopped sending, although he was the last voice message, and I hadn't
responded. But he stopped sending me the good morning text messages. So I don't know if I should
at this point, like, do I just tell him? Do I even say anything? Do should I just leave it?
I did tell him, we're interested, I feel like I'm getting a vibe that you're really not interested,
but you're trying to convince yourself to be interested.
Yeah, maybe. Um, I mean, it's, again, like, Jackie is encouraging you guys to reach out and try to,
you know, get to know people practice have conversations. Yeah. It sounds like,
like some of the things you're even sharing, like feel like very deep conversations. And you guys,
have you had a zoom date? Yeah. Oh, yeah. We've talked a few times over zoom, like we've had video
calls. And he's called me a few times. Yes. Okay. We've had conversation. Okay. Just because it
sounds like very deep conversations for just a couple of zoom dates, I guess is what I'm saying,
like, you know, a lot about his mistakes, his story. Yeah. And I'm not saying that's bad per
se. But like, I think just, you might want to just ask the Lord, is this someone that you need to try
to have more conversation with, if he's already backing off, it might be God just defending you
and protecting you from that. I will say on the part of like, you know, you all if we meet someone
and they have a kid that they, you know, had with someone when they weren't married.
I think let's be kind and have grace in our heart towards people, but just find out more over time.
Like, you know, yeah, I think it would be good to find out what happened in that situation,
but people make mistakes. And maybe at that time, he wasn't as serious about the Lord and he is now,
or maybe he's not at all, but those would, those would be things you would want to know
a little bit more about, but just, yeah, just keep grace in your heart towards people. Cause
you never know when we're going to need that grace back. And I'll give an example. You know,
when I went through my divorce, I wasn't even fully divorced yet,
man, people in the church judged me.
like crazy, like crazy.
But I remember many years before that thinking
maybe not nice things about other people
that were going through divorce, you know?
And so just, if we just keep grace,
I think that's super important
in our process of dating as well.
Now, I'm not saying blow past flags, okay?
So if there's red flags, don't blow past it,
but let's also not turn yellow flags into red.
You know, I think, again,
having kind of fun, lighthearted questions,
but finding out more if you wanna get to know this guy
about, you know, how that all came about.
Yeah, I'm not writing him off because of that.
And so that's why we kept talking,
but I just am not sure at this point now
that he isn't texting every day like he used to,
although his was the last message.
If that's a sign that I should just like leave it
or tell him, okay, that's it, goodbye,
or do I like just say something?
I think don't overthink it.
If you wanna message him, message him.
If you don't, don't.
Yeah, sometimes we put so much pressure on ourselves.
Just, yeah, just if you're feeling like,
hey, maybe this is at a good point
where I'm not feeling this thing and maybe this is God,
but don't overthink it.
Don't make it like God is making this thing happen.
If God is making it happen, he will,
but just if you wanna message the guy back
and get to know him more, then do it.
Okay, I just didn't know if the guy seems like,
if he's backing off, I take it as backing off.
He's not sending the good morning text messages anymore.
So I just wasn't sure if that would be like
the right thing to do or if the right thing to do
was to just leave it and goodbye, basically.
You could just ask him like,
hey, I've noticed you haven't texted as much.
Just wanted to see if you're interested
in continuing to get to know each other
or if you're thinking you wanna move on,
just let, that's totally fine.
Just let me know.
Just don't, like, I think so many times, yeah,
we're just kind of waiting for them to make the move.
Just, I would just message him.
Okay.
Thank you so much, Miriam.
All right. Thanks, Amber.
Christine, how about you?
Hi, yes, sorry, I'm trying to fix this.
I just wanted to make sure that I could respond to you,
but I just have to make sure that you know,
we have two different voices and we're in a group.
Is, Christine, sorry to interrupt you.
Is there any way that you're,
it's really hard to hear you.
Yeah, see, I can't even make out
what you're saying, unfortunately.
It needs to talk closer to a microphone.
Well, she's doing it through,
it's through, you know, earbuds or something.
So maybe Christine, try to change the way you're using your,
like either come direct to voice or something.
Let me go to Dani and I'll come back to you, okay?
Go ahead, Dani.
Hi, hello.
So I am in a long distance relationship
and I was just booking places where to stay
and I'm planning because it's going to be in two weeks.
So my question to you, first of all, it's expensive, guys.
He's in another country.
But also we can connect and we've been very creative.
So that's, it's been working.
So Bethany, probably my question is,
when do you, when did you feel like it was time
to talk about relocation?
Or is it like something that we should,
because that's gonna be the first time I'm going to see him
but second time we are together.
But I don't see this going on and on and on and on.
But I also don't want to be like just too early
to ask the question or when actually to bring that
to the conversation.
Yeah.
For me, I think the number one thing is like, you know,
Jackie even said this in her ask Jackie,
like if we say a timeframe,
then some of you all hone in on that timeframe
and you're like, it has to be this timeframe for everybody.
And that's not the case.
I think when the two of you all are connecting,
you guys need to decide what's that pace for you
as a couple.
So for example, what Brian and I did,
I mean, when
Early on, we had conversations like, what is your goal?
If we're exclusive, when we made that decision,
we said we were exclusive to figure out
if we would want to move towards marriage.
That was our intention.
So we set our intentions in the beginning.
And so all of our conversations from there on out
was like, OK, where are we at in the process now?
For example, I knew that I would need to get
to know his family, his community.
My situation's a little different
than some other people's.
Brian was already pastoring two churches.
So it wasn't that he wasn't open to moving,
because we had that conversation too.
We actually, at one point, talked about both of us
moving to a totally new location together.
But when I came out to visit him and met his family,
he had just lost his dad a year before.
And his mom, the one night, was talking about it.
And I just knew the Lord spoke to me.
And he needed to be here.
He needed to be here during this time with his mom
as she resets her life with his sisters.
And so I communicated that to him,
that I felt like God was telling me
that I should be the one to move in this situation.
And so from there on out, we started making
conversation intentional.
And again, not every conversation was about that.
We reserved part of our conversation for that.
Because you still want it to be fun.
You want to have enjoyable conversations.
You want things to be lighthearted,
because you're still getting to know each other as well.
But I knew I wanted to know his community and his people,
the churches that he was pastoring, his family,
his friends, sooner rather than later.
And so for me, that was one of the driving things,
was I just said, hey, this is what I'm thinking.
This is the time frame that feels good for me.
Do you agree?
Do you feel that that time frame would work for you as well?
And so we just talked about it.
For us, the time frame was, let's see,
I met him in September.
It's going to sound crazy, ladies.
I met him in September.
September, October, November, December.
I moved out here December 24th, officially,
four months into dating him.
Yeah.
And so but after I moved, I got an apartment out here.
God divinely provided this apartment I moved into out
here, got to know his family.
I lived in that apartment until we pretty much got married.
I moved into the parsonage right before we got married.
And he went back to living with his mom for a month.
But I'm just sharing that to say,
I think everyone's time frame could look different.
Ours was a very accelerated time frame.
But we were both very healthy.
We both knew what we wanted.
And God was really divinely working in our relationship.
Now, other people, it might be a little longer
because they need more time to get
to know each other based on their own heart health
and all that kind of thing.
So I don't know if that's helpful.
Is that what you were asking?
Yes.
That's what I thought about a few months in, especially
because we've been on each other for more than a year.
And so it's probably going to be fast-paced.
But I've never been married.
So it's kind of scary as well if things are too fast.
So I wanted to just have a reference just to start.
One of the things to tell all of you all,
so this isn't just for Dani.
And everything I'm saying, I hope
it's helping other people too.
But Jackie kept telling me, have fun.
Just have fun.
Just enjoy this process.
Because I think whether we've been married before
or we've not been married before, there is a part of us
when we finally do find our spirit mates, ladies,
we freak out a little bit.
We're like, oh my gosh.
I don't know.
And we start worrying.
And we start analyzing things like crazy.
And what if this?
And what if that?
And all these kind of things.
And Jackie just kept saying, relax and have fun.
I can't tell you how many times she said that to me.
And so it became something I started saying to myself
to just embrace the process, not overthink it.
And so I would offer that to you and anyone else as well.
Yes.
Thank you.
Angela is asking me on this too.
How long were you online dating before you met your husband?
Do you mean before I met him in person?
I think that's what you're asking.
So it's really.
supernatural y'all, so I don't want y'all to get discouraged when you hear.
So I went on Facebook dating app on September 2nd,
Brian reached out to me on September 6th.
He drove to meet me the first time on September 12th.
Yeah. So that was kind of the timeframe, but I was, when I first, you know,
had my first date or two with him, I was dating other people and, you know,
I, he knew that I was open about that. Um,
but once I was exclusive with him, I, you know,
obviously wasn't dating anyone else at that point.
I don't know.
How long did it take, um, before you became exclusive?
Well, um, it wasn't that much longer.
He came for that first date on the 12th, probably a couple of weeks,
maybe two or three weeks, but I already like,
when I was dating him, so y'all, this will be something fun. Okay.
So I want to tell you guys what God led me to do. Cause y'all date,
like dating people online can be a little hard to keep track of everyone.
Does anyone else resonate with that? It's hard to keep track of them.
And Brian knows this. He's in the other room.
So he already knows all this so I can share all this, but y'all,
I had a poster board. I'm not going to lie, not lying,
a poster board, but this helped me so much.
So that's why I'm like kind of lightheartedly sharing,
but like it was kind of fun too. But like on my poster board,
I had like each guy in his little column,
I gave every guy a nickname. Um,
and so when I shared in my bridal party group,
I would call them by their nickname. So all everybody knows he's PB and J that
was his nickname. He just got shirts, um, for us on my birthday.
His shirt is peanut butter, my shirts jelly. So it's a whole thing now.
But I say that to say, I also, it wasn't just funny things,
but like what I would do is after I had a conversation or a date or whatever,
I would write pros and cons.
Like what was God showing me about those people? You know, cons,
how did I feel after I went on a date with him?
How did I feel when I went on a date with another guy?
And it helped me because in the past I had,
I had blown past so many red flags. I didn't want to do that again.
And so this was like a fun, lighthearted way for me to like,
not overanalyze, but just to put it out.
So I could really look out like what was God showing me about these people and
make a healthy decision. Um, I will say pastor Brian, PB and J,
really, I mean, he was just set apart from all the others.
He was so different. One of the things that on our first date, I mean,
everything he did was really very chivalrous, very kind, very nice.
But in particular, one of the things that I really felt like God highlighted,
I mean, it was so awesome.
We were at this coffee shop and it was one of those places that they do pay it
forward stuff.
And, uh,
he had gone in the restroom and I was standing out and I was looking at all
these pay it forward things. And when he came out,
he was like, Oh, you know, you want to do,
would you like to do that or whatever? And I was like, yeah,
I would really like to do this. Well, I thought we were just talking about it.
Um, well he paid not only for him to be generous,
but he paid for me to be generous to someone.
So he paid for my pay it forward.
And then like I got to write who I wanted to give that to.
And that just spoke volumes to me. Um,
I had never had, it's one thing if somebody's generous for themselves,
to me, it's a whole other ball game when they, they pay.
So like, and give it to me so that I get the blessing of being generous,
but they really paid it. So that, that just,
from the beginning, he set himself apart. Um,
so it was hard for the other guys, y'all,
it really was hard for the other guys to catch up after that.
But it wasn't just that, I mean, it was a lot, but your question was, um, how,
how long before we were exclusive, it was a couple of weeks for us. You know,
it's not always going to be like that again.
I think ours was a very supernatural connection. Um, just even,
even still today, like just what God is doing with the two of us together.
It's, it's a really divine, divine destiny DNA, like Jackie talks about.
All right, Lee, how about you?
Oh, hi. Hello. It's Leah. Oh, I'm sorry, Leah.
Um, that was actually kind of my question. Um,
the guy I'm talking to is long distance and, um,
just really wondering at what point do you define the relationship?
I guess. And I suppose it is different for everybody.
It's all it's also very new for me, I guess, and it's the closest I've ever come to being in a relationship.
So I find myself just a little like maybe anxious at times or well, let me ask you this.
How is he acting? Is he acting like he's ready to make it exclusive? I don't know.
OK, that's all right. How many dates have you all been on?
We started talking mid-May and I went out to see him where he lives.
OK, where does he live?
He lives in New York City.
OK, and you're I forget where you're at.
I'm in Green Bay, Wisconsin.
All right.
So, yeah, awesome distance, but.
So you had one in-person visit and you guys.
When was that?
And that was mid-July.
OK, not that long ago.
Has the conversation still been really good after that?
It has. Yes. And he's making plans to come here in September.
That's great. I think this is a great pace. I think that sounds lovely.
I think don't overthink it. Have a couple more in person.
You know, Brian and I, at the time we made it exclusive, we had probably had.
Six or seven Zoom dates, probably because he would come the first time he only came in and then he drove back.
But then after that, he would come, you get a hotel and he would stay in Lexington.
And so we would hang out Friday. We'd hang out Saturday.
So when he would come, let's see, two, four, six, we probably had six or seven in-person dates by the time we became exclusive.
So if you're counting dates, but it was the time frame, probably three weeks.
But again, it is going to be different, but that's exciting.
He's planning a trip to come see you. And that sounds great.
It sounds like it's going at a good pace. And if you're, you know, you seem excited, let yourself be excited, have fun.
And it's OK if you've never if you haven't had that before.
That's why that's why you're doing this. You're learning, right?
Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah.
It's like trust the process and not overthink it.
And it'll just kind of sort itself out.
It will, I think, you know, and not being afraid to say like even like how I said, like in the past, I probably would have never said to a guy like, hey,
if you want to get to know like my other non-negotiables, like if you want to come visit, like if you want to get together in person, like, you know, that would be cool.
I don't know exactly how I said it, something I would have probably never done that before.
And even Jackie, I mean, she was kind of like, you can do a Zoom or whatever.
And it wasn't like she wasn't saying I could get together in person, but she was just, you know, but I kind of went for it.
But I felt that in my gut.
You know, so I think that's where learning to trust ourselves, trusting the process, enjoying it, really looking forward, like, you know, getting dressed up when you go on these dates, like having, I mean, I put a couple questions in my phone because I didn't want to go on these dates and feel like I didn't know what to do or got like caught and didn't have any questions.
So, you know, hey, you can go to the bathroom and look at your phone and get a question or whatever if you're feeling stuck.
Don't don't feel like you're like you all are so boxed in if you go on a date and you're just like not sure where to take that conversation, go get an idea or get a couple of those before you go on dates or whatever.
But yeah, look forward to hearing how that visit goes. Let us know when he's coming to visit. So we know kind of praying for you in advance because that's important part of that that process for everybody.
Yeah, for sure. Thank you. You're welcome. Elizabeth, how about you.
Um, so the long distance thing is kind of new for me as well, because I was like I have kids so I was thinking no, you know, long distance is never going to happen kind of thing and so listening to Jackie talking and like be open to things and not like
and things like that.
Um, I decided that okay if like a long distance does come up, then I'll at least give it a shot. And like a couple of days after I because I had prayed about it.
Like couple days after I prayed about it and just kind of had peace about that I matched with someone who is five hours away from me.
And it's not a big deal for him. And so, I guess Mike we've had a couple of zoom dates we we kind of pretty much talk on the phone almost every day.
or we're trying to decide next weekend
when I don't have my kids,
how we can meet up to have an in-person date.
And so part of my question was kind of like
what Danny said too about as far as like how many times,
so that part's already been answered,
but I guess kind of to piggyback off of that as well,
like how many times do you try to see someone
long distance before you bring kids into the mix?
That's like one of my questions,
because he has a son and then I have three kids.
And so, you know, and then another question is like
being that we're only like five hours away,
which I guess isn't that much,
like how many times do you try to see each other?
Like once a month or once every couple of weeks or like?
So let me ask you this,
cause this is something Jackie would do.
Does he have full custody by himself of his kids?
Yes, he does.
Is mom also involved in their lives?
His son's mom is not involved.
It's kind of an odd situation, I guess, with him
when his son was just a few weeks old,
his wife threw the baby across the room
and was very lucky in how the baby landed
that she did not kill him.
But so it got to a situation
where she just walked out of their lives
and she's never been in his life ever since.
And so her custody rights and everything
have been taken away from her.
So she hasn't had contact for since then
and his son is 11.
And that's his only child?
Yes.
Okay. Okay.
The only reason I felt like it was important
to ask that question is because for any of you,
whether they're long distance, I mean, it may,
it's a bigger thing when they're long distance, obviously,
but like if people can't move and they have kids,
like it's really not good for you to start trying
to like get connected to them.
Because if you can't move and they can't move,
then you're growing in relationship with someone
where that just can't even happen.
Now, am I saying that there aren't times
that God can work in a situation
and just supernaturally change something?
Yes.
We had that happen recently with Carla Francis.
She's about to get married in a month,
but that it doesn't happen often, y'all.
So the question about you all,
are you asking, like, what's your specific question?
I'm sorry.
Just, I guess, kind of just how many times
or like how soon would you introduce the kids
into the situation?
Oh, yes. Yes.
Thank you.
You know, I don't think I would introduce them
until you guys have decided
that you're going to exclusively date.
Right.
Number one.
But I think, you know, I'd have to go back
and listen to the last couple Ask Jackies,
but I think she's addressed this a couple of times
and I would defer to what she is saying on that timeframe
because you don't want to introduce them too soon
because kids get super attached, you know.
I've been through that.
Even the guy I dated before, I mean,
I stayed in that relationship way too long
because I was attached to the kids.
So you got to be really careful.
I think, if I remember correctly,
she said something like six months.
I think.
But don't quote me on that.
Now, if I'm wrong, you all don't quote me.
I got to go back.
But I feel like I heard her say that
on one of the last couple Ask Jackies.
I try to listen to all those
so I can stay up with what she's telling y'all.
But yeah, so you got to keep getting to know him.
And I would say, just be careful
on the talking on the phone every day.
You know, Brian and I were long distance
and we didn't talk on the phone every day
because he had a job.
I had a job.
You know, we text each other
and we would do Zoom dates every couple nights,
but we also felt like it was really good to pace ourselves
so that we would miss each other,
you know, in between a little bit.
So I would encourage you to probably not talk to him
on the phone every single day.
You guys need to get together in person
and let's see what God wants to do with you guys
after you meet in person before you grow too, too attached
through that emotional connection growing there.
I want to mention, I saw something in the chat.
I wanted to kind of hone in on this
and then we're going to start to close tonight out.
I can't even believe it's already been an hour, y'all.
Cause I'm sitting here. I think we've talked a lot about long distance tonight.
That's a piece of my story,
but there's a lot of you guys that have questions about dating in, you know,
your local people that are local. So don't think we've forgotten about you.
This was just kind of the two directions we took it tonight. Um,
but Kathy said, what about those of us who have done everything?
We're being asked to do, but nothing is happening. Do I still need healing?
I think this is the thing. Um,
I think don't give up and it will happen.
I think getting out, one of the things I did, I was a homebody. Um,
and so I started going to places. I didn't not like bars or anything,
so don't hear what I'm not saying, but I started going to places.
I didn't normally go. Um, I started driving home different places.
I would go to the coffee shop and sit there and, um,
and maybe you're already doing all those things, Kathy. I'm not sure,
but I just want to encourage you. Like sometimes it just takes time. Um,
I think that, um,
just because I know from the heart work stuff you were working on, um,
I don't think God's withholding anything from you. I think it will come.
Just keep putting yourself out there. Keep trying to get to know some people.
Um, you know, just if there's anyone that, you know,
that had mentioned in the past that they would be interested in introducing you
to someone,
you might want to go back to those people because even if they were no in the
past, unless they're really unhealthy, if they're unhealthy,
you don't want that. But if they were in a no in the past,
it might've been because, you know, our hearts are different when we're broken.
We see things different. We see people differently, all that kind of stuff. Um,
but I would, I would encourage you to, um,
plan a trip sincerely. Like y'all,
when I was struggling and I, I honestly,
the only reason I didn't want to go on the DAP,
the dating apps was because of what happened with that other guy,
but I was scared and I was afraid to attract the wrong people. Um,
so for a little while, I went on several trips,
like by myself and met up with women. And, you know, some of them were,
some of them were connected to this movement, but some of them weren't.
And I just, I really started like investing in me,
investing in me, having fun and enjoying my life and
asking God to bring the people in the process. And then when God, you know,
kind of through Jackie was like, it's time, you know,
then I got on the dating apps, but, um,
there's a lot of people meeting people in person still.
It's not just on the dating apps that that's happening.
So I don't know if that encourages you at all, Kathy,
but those would be a couple of things I would recommend doing.
Yeah. It's really tough ladies, um, to not get discouraged.
I will, I know it sounds like everything was roses.
I can promise you it wasn't, I cried, like even with Justin,
like I kind of glossed over it tonight. I,
I cried a little bit because I so badly wanted it to
work, even though I didn't feel like he was the right match. Um,
so just being honest with yourself, talking to God about how you really feel. Uh,
I remember also like when I first started like getting dates, like, Oh my God,
like I wanted to lose so much more weight by now.
Like I was panicking about all kinds of stuff. So just, um,
be kind to yourself, everyone,
be kind to yourselves and keep doing the next best thing that God
shows you to do. And I believe every time we keep doing those steps,
it leads to that next door opening that next thing that God wants
to show us or heal us up,
but also some of the fun stuff that comes in that process too. So
I hate to, I know I have three ladies, four, four ladies sitting waiting,
but I have to close it tonight. We will be doing these love seats. Um,
once a month again, we're, you know, we're,
I know they've done them a couple of times,
but we're bringing them back on a monthly basis now.
So come back next month and I don't know if I'll be here or Jackie or who will
be here, but we would love to continue to talk these through with you guys.
For those of you that weren't able to share, feel free to put those, you know,
in your group, you know, because then we'll, we can respond to you all there.
All right. God bless you guys. I hope this was enjoyable for those of you that
love the poster board thing. Hey,
I'm looking forward to hearing some nicknames, some fun stuff.
I hope this was a blessing tonight. God bless you guys. See you soon.
Thank you. Bye.