All right, you guys, welcome to our first loveseat of 2024.
Can you believe it?
2024.
Here we are, our first loveseat of 2024.
And we have some really good things to dig into today.
Of course, we're always going to take your questions.
So if you want to put your questions in the chat, I am on my phone.
My studio is being redone right now.
We actually renovated our garage into a studio space.
So instead of being in one of the back bedrooms of our house,
We wanted to free that bedroom space up for a bedroom.
And so we went ahead and put our stuff into our garage.
And so my husband is still tinkering around with that.
Making that doable for me.
And so in the meantime, I'm going to be right here on my couch.
With you on the phone. Okay.
And so I actually should have done my iPad.
That probably would have been better, but that's okay.
We will make it work.
So I don't have access to the chat unless I actually open it.
So I will look in there periodically.
To see what it is that you guys are saying in there. Okay.
But we do have some things to go ahead and launch into.
There are a couple of people that said they wanted to join me tonight
and jump into the love seat. If you're just coming into phase three.
Love seat is something that we do every month where it is a live
interactive Q and a about dating and relationships, heartwork.
You know,
pretty much anything that you want to talk about as single men and
women in the body of Christ, right? Cause we're Christians here. So what,
what do single Christians deal with?
Some of it's crossover into just singles in general,
but some of it is definitely tailor-made to our spirituality.
And to the things that we.
Are adhering to when we are followers of Christ.
And so we'll talk about anything and everything. Nothing's off limits.
We are having co-ed love seats this month. And so we do have guys here.
So if you're squeamish or prudish about talking about certain things in
front of the opposite sex,
then you're probably in the wrong place tonight because we're going to
talk about whatever comes up.
And we're all adults here and we'll be fine. I promise you,
you will be okay.
All right. And so.
If you're here and you wanted to jump into the love seat,
just go ahead and raise your hand so that I can see you.
Once again, if you're just coming into phase three,
love seat is something that we do every month where it is a live
conversation.
And we're going to be talking about a couple of things.
And so we're going to jump into phase three.
Once again, if you're just coming into phase three,
the way the love seat works is we do Q and a,
but then there are people that want to specifically talk about their
situation.
And so they're going to jump in the love seat.
Meaning that we're going to have a conversation about their situation.
So we can all learn because maybe you're going to be in their situation
someday as well.
Whether it's with their dating someone who has kids or they're having
trouble on the apps or they've run into some kind of roadblock in their
relationship.
And so we're going to have a conversation about that.
And we're going to have people for the whole group.
I'm live here in the love seat. Okay.
And so I just see Sherry with her hand up. I think that Joanne,
if Joanne's going to come tonight.
We're definitely going to talk about that.
And then I did earmark a couple of things that people said.
Actually in the group as well that I thought would be good for just a
public discussion.
All right, so let's pray father God. We're so thankful.
We're so thankful for you.
We're so thankful for your grace and your love.
And we're so thankful for your revelation and wisdom from heaven on our
love lives.
We know that that is important to you.
And so we ask that you would give us clarity tonight.
That you would give us direction.
Tonight that you would help us to understand what we need to understand
corporately and individually.
So that we can be propelled and accelerated forward in Jesus name.
Amen.
All right.
I did see one question. We'll go ahead and kick off with this.
This is a question from a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a,
a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a,
a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a.
A couple of people said that they thought they might've scared a new,
a new prospect away because they shared too much,
too quickly about themselves.
But in their defense, they said,
I really didn't want to get to know someone unless they knew these things
about me because.
I don't want to get my hopes up, get too far into getting to know someone,
just to have them reject me.
Yeah.
I mean,
one of the things that I think is important to share is that they have a
driving situation. They don't drive because they have seizures.
And my, my daughter's boyfriend's dad has that situation.
He's about, I don't know, 52, 53 years old,
but he has some form of epilepsy where he has had massive seizures in the
past. And, you know,
they take away your driver's license when you have seizures because they do
not want you.
Having a seizure while you're driving. Right.
And so that is something that happens until you're seizure free for a
certain amount of time. You can not, you know,
you can have your license revoked.
And so that's what's happening to the sister in our community.
And so she thought that was important to share with someone who she's only,
you know, just getting to know.
And she's wondering if that may have scared them away.
So let's talk about that just briefly.
First of all,
I don't believe you can scare your spirit mate away.
So let's all just breathe a sigh of relief there.
I don't think that we can scare our spirit mate away.
And when I say spirit mate,
I don't just mean that there's one person for you out there
and that's the one, your spirit mate.
I believe I should maybe use that language.
I don't believe that you can scare a spirit mate away.
How about that?
Instead of the spirit mate, let's say a spirit mate.
Because I believe in different seasons,
there's different people that are compatible to us.
And depending on when we're ready to partner,
I believe that that person could be the person
that we connect with in that season.
Or maybe there would have been a better choice
in a previous season for a spirit mate for us,
a partner for ministry.
You know, I hate to use this analogy,
but I'm gonna go ahead and use it because it makes sense.
Before there was Paul and Silas,
there was Paul and Barnabas.
They were, they were yoked together for ministry,
weren't they?
They were doing ministry.
For some portion of time, you know,
and I know that wasn't romantic or sexual in nature,
and I'm not implying that at all.
All I'm implying is that they were partnered.
And then there came a time when there really wasn't,
you know, it wasn't compatible
for them to continue on together.
But then there was another partner, right?
And so it's important for us to understand
that God has people for our lives
in every area of our lives to help us to accomplish
the dream that God had for our lives.
So whether that's business partners or friendships,
community, and also romantic relationships.
These romantic relationships are not just to procreate
and have lineage and legacy.
They're not just romantic in nature.
They're also ministerial in nature
to fulfill God's assignment on your life
because it's a two-person job, not a one-person job.
And for those of you that are widows and widowers,
I believe that God has someone to help you finish the work.
Finish it.
And yeah, you're gonna be in love with them.
And yeah, you're gonna enjoy all the romantic aspects
of that relationship.
I'm not trying to dumb it down and make it not romantic,
but I am trying to tell you that it's for more than that.
Okay, so I don't believe you can scare a spirit maid away
if that's someone who could possibly partner
with you in this season.
That being said, I do think you can make things
a lot more complicated by sharing things
that are above that pay grade
of that person's relationship with you.
They're getting to know you.
They don't know you yet.
And so there are certain things
that they don't need to know about you yet.
They don't need to know about all your problems.
They don't need to know about your restrictions
and your driving.
They don't need to know about the corn on your toe
that causes you to have to wear a size bigger in shoes.
They don't need to know about your bunions.
Don't tell them about that.
That's none of their business right now.
And yes, I'm being funny,
but I mean, people will share the most personal things
with people that they don't need to share that with.
And I know that we're like,
well, I just wanna go ahead and get the rejection over.
No, that's not how that works.
You don't have to go ahead and get the rejection over.
There are some things that people need to wait
to know about you and that they need to care about you
before that's not gonna maybe make a difference
in their minds and hearts towards you.
Let them develop some sort of rapport with you
and possibly even affection towards you
before you share things that you think are negative.
Let's start on the right foot.
You know, have you ever heard the saying
that in new relationships,
people always put their best foot forward?
And that's become kind of negative, right?
Like, oh, well, I don't know who they really are yet
because they're still putting their best foot forward.
You should be putting your best foot forward.
Don't put your worst foot forward.
Don't put your bunion foot forward, okay?
Save that for later.
Right now, put your best foot forward.
Put your best well-heeled foot forward.
Show them the best about you.
Let them be wooed.
Let them be infatuated with you.
Don't tell them or air all your dirty laundry
about your former spouse, about your custody arrangement.
You know, don't tell them
about all your physical and health problems.
Don't give them a list of the medications that you're on.
Do not do that when you're getting to know someone, okay?
So that's my answer to that.
You'll know when it's the right time
to tell people personal information about yourself,
but it's not at the beginning.
Okay, is Joanne here?
I'm here.
You are? Where are you?
I'm here. Can you see me?
No.
Can anyone else hear?
Oh, I see you. Hi.
Hi.
Okay. All right.
So I have, I didn't get a chance to talk to you
privately about what it was.
So let's go ahead and jump in
and share with the group, like, your thoughts.
Okay.
So I'm going to go ahead and jump in.
your dating situation.
Okay.
I'm going to go ahead and share with the group
So if I cry, I cry.
your thoughts about what it was.
That's just crying.
So let's go ahead and jump in.
Good.
Um, well, so let me just say what you just spoke about was kind of what happened initially
And I'm going to go ahead and share with the group
your thoughts about what it was.
when I started dating this guy.
Um, I actually came in like not intentionally, not trauma dumping, you know, it's like learning
my lesson, like don't do that.
But he came in and he was like, I tend to overshare like all of his past stuff.
And like all the struggles and the sins and the stuff he's healing from.
And I was like, okay, you know, so it kind of was just, I mean, it was a lot.
And then I shared like a little bit about my journey, you know, with chronic illness
and stuff, but like not a lot.
And I think that I even shared in the group about a month in, like, I was really excited
about this relationship because I felt like there was a lot of openness in the relationship.
Um, but I will say that I think I mentioned at some point we've been together three months
and it's, I just felt like the relationship has felt very, um, it's felt very intense
and a lot of conversations about things.
And like, I, in the past would maybe be the one to bring stuff up, but like, he's brought
a lot of stuff up, like his insecurities.
Um, and so we've had these like intense conversations, like trying to sort out, but because we were
set up by somebody in the church, we really felt like the Holy spirit was like doing a
thing.
And like, he's, he really is wonderful.
Like right before I got on, he's like, Hey, I just finished at the gym.
Do you need food?
I'll bring you food.
Like, he's just very sacrificial, very kind, loves the Lord, um, tender towards me, like
all the things, but I feel like we're both in this like anxious attachment, like push
pull thing.
And I feel like it's been so overwhelming, but I did have my first panic attack in December
because I was like, I can't like do it anymore, you know, because with my health situation,
like I don't have the threshold to process like that often or that much.
And so we keep saying like, we just need to have fun together.
We just need to have fun together.
But like, I feel like that's been really, really hard for us.
And so now when I, we came back from Christmas and I've straight up had panic attacks, like
the last three days, and some of that's just coming off the holidays, but I just feel like
it's been like, I've been in this like weird place with the relationship where like, I
don't necessarily feel a lot of like, there's not a lot of like lightness to it.
And, but it's like hard because I don't know, it's hard to like sum it all up, but I feel
now anxious when I think about the relationship, like I feel anxious, even though he has all
of these qualities.
So like, even when he did witness panic attack, he just like praise with me and holds me like,
he's just very, very sweet, thoughtful person and like wants the best for me.
But it's like, I have found myself almost, I think just reaching my limit with the level
of like trying so hard or something.
Is this making any sense?
Yeah.
I mean, there's a couple of different things that I think we should go ahead and highlight
so we can break it down.
So once again, when someone gets in the love seat, it's because their situation has
different elements and aspects to it that I feel like can help the whole group because
maybe you're not going to deal with it exactly the same way, but you're going to deal with
some element of it.
So first of all, let's, let's go ahead and break this down.
When you meet someone, remember everyone has, you know, they have green flags, they have
yellow flags.
Some people may even have some red flags about them, but what we don't want to do is we don't
want to, and Joanne said this a couple of times when she was talking just now, we don't
want to say, well, they do this.
But they're so nice or they're, you know, they're so supportive or they're so selfless.
We need to make sure that those things stay separate because they don't cancel each other
out.
Right.
Does everyone understand that?
It doesn't cancel just because someone if someone has something that is a yellow flag,
maybe even it could actually be possibly a red flag, but then they have these green flags
over here.
They don't, green flags don't cancel out yellow or red flags.
Okay.
And all yellow flags are, are areas where people are still in process.
We all have them.
And I, you haven't said anything that I think is really red, but it can become red in the
right circumstances.
If that person is not working on changing it.
Like when he first met you, he said to you that he knows that he's an over share.
So really what that's code for is he knows that he.
goes too deep, too fast. He knows that, you know, he knows
that he makes a strong emotional connection too quickly with
people. Because when we overshare, that's what we're
doing. We're inviting someone into the deeper places of our
hearts of our of our trauma of our, you know, just life
experience. And it's difficult to stay a stranger then right,
you know, all this stuff about someone's life, they've invited
you into this place, then it's it's hard to, you know, stay
at a good pace as far as romantically. And so you guys
have gotten in really deep. And so Joanne situation is that
she's dealt with a lot of health problems that have made her for
lack of a better word, fragile, you know, have made her fragile.
Because when you deal with different things like, you know,
post traumatic stress disorder, Lyme disease, or different things
that cause you to physically and emotionally, and even mentally
be fragile, then you really can't handle this is why Joanne
wouldn't go off and just be a therapist right now. Maybe she'd
even have a gift to be that. But she wouldn't do that. Why?
Because you can't handle someone else's stuff when you're in a
healing state yourself. You know, I've had lots of clients
that are actually are therapists by trade and during their
heartwork time because of the trauma that they've been
through. They actually weren't working as therapists anymore.
Because, you know, you can't heal when you're constantly
empathically carrying someone else's stuff. And so that's
really what's happened here, Joanne. And I don't think that
your panic attacks necessarily are him fully, I think that just
the weight of the the season of time and just everything, you
know, I think that it could be like the perfect storm, so to
speak. And so the very first thing you need to do is it's
great that he holds you in praise for you while you're
having a panic attack. But he also needs to understand that if
his lack of boundaries is contributing to that, that, you
know, it's an ounce of preventions worth a pound of
cure. So it's a situation where it's like, hey, I need to dial
back the intensity of the emotional connection here. You
know, I can't carry all of your stuff. Because I'm still healing
physically and emotionally. You know, he knows your situation,
I'm assuming, you know, and that you just this is where you have
to have, you know, a conversation. And then this is
where we find out, you know, how emotionally mature other people
are. If they start to realize, hey, you know, yeah, I really
care about you. But you're not in a place to be able to you
can't meet me here right now. You're not I'm not ready to meet
you here right now. Right now. I'm ready to, you know, go
surfing and go bike riding and have fun and you know, possibly
go do this and laugh. Yeah, so very healing. And, you know, you
came in as a result of one of my other success stories that I
actually match made, and they had a very intense relationship
that needed to be lightened as well. You know, because when
you're dealing with people that are coming out of different, you
know, backgrounds where they're healing or where they're in
recovery or different things, you know, it's really easy to,
to trauma bond. Right, for lack of a better word, that's what we
do there. And it sounds like there's a little bit of that.
But it also sounds like there's some really good stuff here,
too.
There is really good stuff. It's just weird, like, because it has
been hard to have beef, like laugh and have fun and do those
things. And then I have found myself all of a sudden being
like, am I really attracted to you? Like, you know, it's like,
I've started doing all the things like, you know, kind of
just like, well, you know, you realize, for me, you know, I
would have been the overshare, like, pretty much in all my past
relationships, which is why this program has been so good for me.
Right. And I do think that he's tried to be like, it's like,
we're trying so hard to be healthy. And we're trying so
hard to connect. But it's weird, because I guess with all this,
it's almost like I don't feel a natural connection with him.
It's like, all these things are good. And that's what's so weird
about it's like, well, all these things are really good. But
where is just the sense of me being like at ease in the
relationship? And is it possible to get there? And if so, how
like, and it's just a hard thing to discern because I don't want
it's like my typical pattern of like, a good guy that gets away
and then I regret it or whatever, you know what I mean?
And what you said, I can't scare my spirit away or whatever. But
I don't want to have that mentality of like, I'm the
problem. It's always me. I'm what the good guys
blah, blah, blah, you know, but is it?
No, but we have to dig deeper into when's the last time
that you did feel at ease in a relationship?
You know, we have to remember that, you know,
we're not gonna magically feel at ease in a relationship
if that's not something that we normally choose
for relationships.
You know, if you come out of past relationships
where they were very tumultuous,
it was a roller coaster ride, you know,
he loves me, he loves me not.
And then, you know, coming into another relationship
where the person is definitely more kind
and considerate and caring,
but at the same time, they seem to have
some of the same damage as you in a way,
you know, as far as, you know,
a little bit of anxious attachment.
And you guys, anxious attachment almost always,
anxious attachment almost always
chooses avoidant attachment.
We are gonna have a new video that I'm gonna do
about attachment theory.
Attachment theory is very simple, it just says this,
you know, back in our, back in, you know,
not even in our divine state,
but in our less cursed state,
let's say our less cursed state,
like back in the day, you know,
people lived in communities, they lived in villages,
you know, your family's house,
when Abraham left his father's house, that was a thing,
he didn't leave his father's actual house,
he left his father's, the village,
the community of his family, right?
You didn't do that back then,
that was very strange to do that.
And so people were very interdependent on each other,
okay, and interdependency creates secure attachment.
If you wake up as a child every day,
knowing that, you know,
it's not just mom and dad that I can depend on,
but grandma and grandpa live two doors down,
and auntie and uncle live over here,
and my other aunt who's single lives here,
and you understand what happens
when you feel like you're part of a community
where whatever you have need of, it can be met, right?
But what happened was, is that, you know,
wars happened, and genocides happened,
and all kinds of, you know, more traumatic events happened,
and then it became the survival of the fittest.
It became a situation where the strongest people
within that community would detach,
and kind of forge out on their own,
because they had the best chance of survival.
Does that make sense to everyone?
You don't wanna carry around a bunch of dead weight with you
if you're in the middle of some kind of, you know,
big situation.
So you don't wanna have to try to, you know,
everyone to survive, you have to survive,
and so that's kind of where that came from,
and a lot of you were born into situations
where it wasn't safe, you came into dysfunctional families
or broken families, and that is a recipe
for avoidant attachment, okay, and or anxious attachment,
and so that is where that comes from,
and I will tell you, so Joanne,
one of the things that you said is you said, you know,
now as we're getting involved in this situation,
just so you know, I see a lot of yellow flags
that would have to be overcome in a relationship,
but then you start picking the person apart.
That is classic avoidant attachment, right?
It's like, let me find something wrong with this person
to give myself permission to leave.
Let me pick a fight with this relationship
so that I can leave, right?
And so-
What?
Actually, I've realized I actually am disorganized,
like I have anxious and avoidant tendencies, so that's-
Yeah, that's what I just said at the beginning.
You have avoidant and anxious,
and anxious almost always turns into avoidant.
You know, people think it's just one or the other,
but it really is not at all,
because once we get the thing that we think we want,
then we start, you know, then we start being afraid
of being with that thing,
and then we start picking a fight with,
I don't like the way they dress, or you know what?
I don't like the way their mouth moves when they talk.
You know, you guys, the craziest things.
I don't like, you know, their jaw clicks when they eat.
I don't think that I could deal with that long-term.
I know that it sounds funny, but you guys,
it actually gets in the way of romantic feelings.
It can actually steal whatever infatuation that you have
when you start micro-focusing in on this person
and all the things that you don't like about them, okay?
Those are things that you're not supposed to notice
until you've been married for 15 years,
and you're like, can you just go eat in the other room,
because you're grossing me out.
That's not something that should happen
when you're first getting to know someone, right?
You should still have on those rose-colored glasses of,
oh, this person's great, they're wonderful.
So also, I mean, I'm not gonna ask you publicly
unless you wanna answer publicly,
but one of another thing that I always,
because I'm classic avoidant,
is that I would pine away after a fantasy ex, the phantom ex.
You know, I would start to compare them
to someone who really was not great,
and when I was with them, I was miserable,
but when I'm not with them,
I all of a sudden romanticize the situation.
I start comparing them to them.
Like, you know, the fantasy X, the phantom X.
So I don't know if you're doing that in this situation
because I know you do have a phantom X.
And so that also can be really detrimental
to a relationship.
Yeah.
Also-
I just lost that infatuated feeling and that's scary
because we're only three months in, you know?
Yeah.
It's just, I haven't even had it.
We've been, it's been so like,
so much conversation and whatever.
It's like that initially,
it only lasted such a short amount of time.
So I'm just, I'm just praying.
I'm like, Lord, if this is-
But let me, let me just say this though.
The reason why it lasted such a short amount of time
is because you guys covered, you know,
five years worth of conversations in three months, right?
So infatuation, you guys,
let's just explain what infatuation is.
Infatuation is when you're excited about the relationship.
Okay, you have puppy love, you know,
you have all of those fluttery feelings of excitement
about getting to know this person
because you have conjured in your mind
who you think they are, right?
You have this fantasy about who you think they are.
And remember, they're putting their best foot forward.
And so like, for instance,
my husband was my next door neighbor.
I had a completely different kind of concept
about what his personality was like
because, you know, he was coming out of a broken marriage
and he had been hanging out with this guy
that was kind of like alpha male.
And he was taking my husband to the gym
and they were like doing the things.
And so my husband came across
when I first started to get to know him
as a lot more, you know, like type A than he is
because he's not type A at all.
Now he wasn't faking me out.
He wasn't trying to be something that he was not.
That's who he was in that season.
That's what he was, you know,
that's what he was getting ahold of
in order to get over some of the things
that were happening in his life.
And I was very infatuated with that.
But as I got to know him more and more
within, you know, deeper relationship
and then eventually, you know, marriage,
you know, I've gotten to know the deeper,
deeper levels of the real him, okay?
I'm no longer infatuated with my husband,
but I'm in love with him, okay?
Love, remember, is a verb in the Bible.
It's about serving one another.
It's about submitting to one another.
It's about getting up every day
and choosing one another.
It isn't about these, you know,
superficial feelings of infatuation.
A lot of people have a hard time with Jesus
because they want to stay infatuated with him,
but when it tries to go deeper into a deeper relationship
where it gets a little bit messy, they cut and run.
And because they don't want to have
that deeper kind of relationship, even with God, right?
They're like, into me, see?
No, I don't want into me, see?
And so I will tell you,
anytime that there's any depth in relationship,
it will start to get a little boring,
a little monotonous, all right?
It's not as fun.
You have to create the fun.
You have to choose.
You're going to do this life together.
And then there will be second honeymoon phases
that come back upon you in your relationship,
but you got to keep it interesting.
That's the way it works.
But you guys have kind of exhausted the infatuation
with all the depth.
So you might be able to dial it back,
you might be able to,
but you're going to have to have
a really candid conversation with him and say,
look, I feel like we went too deep, too fast,
too far, too fast emotionally.
I'm actually suffering physically because of it,
because I'm still healing.
And so I want us to go back to a place
where we're more lighthearted in this relationship.
We're having fun.
We're not trying to, you know,
go to the dark night of the soul with each other
and see how he reacts to that.
He might not be, he might be a melancholy.
He might not be the kind of person who can have that.
The last thing you want to do is be married to Eeyore, okay?
Yeah.
Not you.
You can't do that.
No, no.
And I really do thrive with humor.
My husband just sent me a note.
It says, but I'm still sexy and so are you.
I love it.
That's awesome.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it was boring.
I mean, marriage can be boring.
And if you guys don't know that already,
you need to know that.
So Joanne, let's make a plan of what you're going to say
and what you're going to talk about
once the next time you're going to see each other.
Well, he went back to work today,
so we might see each other Thursday.
See, that's good.
He goes back to work.
You get a break.
You're not spending so much time together.
I'm going to come down off of the heightened whatever.
So this week is my week to just really focus on that for me.
Yeah, I like that.
So even if I don't see him Thursday.
say it might even be the weekend. Yeah. But yeah, the whole thing is like, I really, my three things,
I was always like emotionally intelligent, loves Jesus and is like fun and adventurous. And I just,
I really need to be with someone who's fun. Like, really, really. And tell him, listen,
tell him, I want to see that side of you. It sounds like he checks the other two boxes.
Yeah. And you know, and the one thing that he has going for him that the other guy didn't is that
he is choosing you and he's making it clear instead of like always ambiguous, always keeping
you on the, you know, on the edge of, you know, is this going to be a thing or not? And so,
and while that's exciting, it's exhausting. And so, yeah. So let's see if we can bring out the
fun side of him, see the fun side of him. He's really cute. She showed me a picture. I'm like,
dang, y'all is hot people. And so, so yeah, he is definitely really cute. And the fact that he's so
sensitive and deep, I like that, but let's see, let's see what else is there. Let's see if you
can have some fun. Like he's had that feedback before. So we're just too serious. Yes. And I'm,
so I'm praying that there's breakthrough potentially in that area. Yeah. I can't keep
going at the pace we've been going. Like, I just realized I was like, I just hit a wall like hard.
So the embassy, like I was really, I told you. Yeah. And you guys, and I've had, you know,
I mean, I've been married for 17 years, so, but I've had friendships like that where,
you know, I love the person and, you know, they're so important to me, but they are exhausting,
exhausting with the constant depth of the conversation. And, you know, they always want
to get intentional and have these deep conversations. And, you know, for people who
are deeply empathic and also have complex PTSD, which I do, I can't get drug back there all the
time. You know, I have to choose when I feel like I have the bandwidth for those kinds of
conversations. I can't have those all the time. And, um, so that's why I'm not a therapist.
And the fun thing is I am a licensed therapist. So that would be my tendency is me to be the one
to have a serious conversations. And I feel like I'm getting it back. I'm going, Oh, is this what
it feels like? You know? So, but I've learned a lot through this year, you know? So I really
would like to do it differently and have a different result. No, you need to, you definitely
need to. And like you said, you, you guys, she just talked about her non-negotiables from heaven.
So she wants people that have, you know, uh, uh, a really high emotional bandwidth. They're
able to discuss their feelings. They're, they're emotionally available and also love Jesus, but
also one of the values of her, for her future marriage has to be fun has to be, you know,
rest and fun and, um, adventure. And so, uh, she can't compromise on that because,
because of the way she's built empathically, if she doesn't have that, you know, that disconnect
of having fun and adventure and being able to, you know, leave those depths behind for a little
while, then she's gonna, she's gonna fragment. Right. Everyone's made up differently. And this
is where you start to pray into what are my non-negotiables? What do I need in relationship?
Because remember we're complimentary opposites. So it sounds like she found someone who's not
quite opposite of her, right? Someone who might be a little bit too much like her in, especially
in maybe some of her more unhealthy days. And so it's important that we find out whether or not we
can get there. All right. So Joanne, please come back and report back to us. Thank you guys.
All right. I don't know if you guys can hear that. It's really loud at my house. That is rain.
That is rain being so loud. You can't hear it. Oh my gosh. It's so loud. I feel like I have to yell
to be heard above it. In Texas? In Texas. It is raining. Oh yeah, it's heavy over here too.
It's raining cats and dogs out there. Okay. All right.
All right. There was someone else that had a question. Oh, okay. I don't know if she's here
or not, but someone else had put a question in the group about, do I have to, like having trouble
at level two, level two, is that more informal having fun discovery time of getting to know
someone dating level before you would go to the exclusive, more serious level.
And she said, I really liked this guy.
You know, he's already serious about me.
He's already at level three.
To me, even though we haven't been dating for very, we haven't been talking or getting
to see each other for very long.
I told him, she's following the rules in the community.
She said, I told him that, you know, I'm not ready to go there.
She said, but I really am.
And so what do you do with that when you know that it's pretty quick to go to exclusivity,
but you want to, because you like the person and you're maybe worried, she didn't say this,
but maybe you're worried that they'll lose interest to you and you, if you don't respond
with the same type of intensity and the same type of exclusivity, anyone else ever felt
that way?
You know, that it's pretty quick to be expressing exclusivity with someone and, you know, being
willing to become their boyfriend or girlfriend.
And yet you like them enough that you're worried if you don't meet them at that level
of exclusivity or, you know, importance to the relationship, then they'll just move on.
Well, if they move on and buy, right?
Seriously, because here's the problem with going too fast, too quickly.
It's not sustainable.
Okay.
You just heard from Joanne.
You can see some of the stops that were pulled out there.
Sometimes it's good to pull out all the stops and sometimes it's good to keep them in so
that we can have milestones in the relationship.
We're getting to know each other, we're getting to see, you know, are we going to be compatible
long-term?
Yeah.
We have some strong infatuation right now, but is it sustainable?
Is there something more to build on here?
Okay.
So my advice to her and to all of you that would feel like you want to rush ahead just
because the other person's rushing ahead is this.
They're still going to be there if they're a spirit mate and it's good to set a good
healthy pace.
And if they're not going to set it, then you can set it.
That's called boundaries.
That doesn't take the romance out of it.
It doesn't take the fun out of it.
I think sometimes people think healthy relationships sound super boring and they're not fun because
we're not running a million miles an hour on the fuel of infatuation.
And for all of us that have been burned by running a million miles an hour, love bombing
back and forth, left and right, and then end up crashed drunk, you know, in, on, um,
you know, on the speed, not on alcohol, but drunk with some of you on alcohol, but drunk
on the speed of the whole thing with a terrible vulnerability hangover that you just shared
all this crazy stuff with this person in a short amount of time.
And now they ghosted you and they're gone.
That's a horrible feeling.
Right?
I should say so.
They loved you and now they're gone or you get into some huge fight because they're really
not that healthy and maybe you're not either.
And then you can't, you can't sustain that either.
So, um, so that's, what's going on now, Hunter, we're not, we're not taking any kind of comments
right now.
Okay.
So we're going to continue with, um, my coaching based on the questions that we put in the
women's challenge.
And so if you have any questions that you want to put into the love seat or you have
a situation where you're dating someone, we're going to take dating situations only, and
you want to jump into the love seat and talk about that.
Let's go ahead and do that and raise your hand so I can call on you so we can keep it
without being too confusing.
Okay.
You guys, we had like 18 engagements and marriages in December in our community.
Was it?
Is it 16?
I have to go back and check.
It was a lot.
So that's exciting, right?
Super exciting.
In fact, we had, we had a couple, I don't know if they happened today, but they were
posted today.
So, um, yeah, so much hope for 2024 and some of you ended, you ended, um, you know, level
two relationships.
They didn't go anywhere.
I've had at least two girls come to me and say, Hey.
You know, I was talking to someone and we made the decision that we are going to not
pursue anything romantic.
And you actually sent that man one, one or two of you have sent that man this way towards
our community.
So that's exciting.
All right.
So who has a love seat situation?
Let me look.
I'm Vicky.
You do.
You're seeing someone that I want to hear.
Talk to me.
Okay.
This is a previous gentleman that I was dating for about a year.
And because of his situation, the relationship sort of just dissolved because he moved out
of state to live with and help his mom.
And we've kept in touch just through Facebook, you know, happy, Merry Christmas, you know,
just simple text, keep in touch.
And he was in town over the holidays and wish me Merry Christmas and asked me to see
him.
He said he'd like to see me again because he was like, say, visiting his family over
the holidays.
And I said, yes.
And so he's coming tomorrow.
But I was just going to meet out at the restaurant.
But he's kind of insisting on picking me up.
And I am nervous about that.
So I cleaned my entire house today with supernatural energy, and now I can't walk because my legs
collapsed.
But I'm nervous about him picking me up because of how nice the relationship was before it
dissolved.
Well, why are you, what are you nervous about?
That's such a gentleman thing to do.
I mean, ladies, don't let a guy pick you up that you don't know, but she knows this guy.
And why are you nervous about it?
I don't trust myself.
What do you mean?
You're going to invite him in your house and kiss his face off?
What are we doing now?
What's going on?
Oh, all right.
You don't trust you don't trust yourself with him coming to your house.
Vicky, all right.
I'm actually like, I want to be shocked, but I'm actually like, proud of you.
I know that I shouldn't be, but I am.
So yeah, well, okay.
So putting some parameters in if you feel like, you know, things could get hot and heavy
like that really quickly, then is this a day date?
It'd be like early dinner, late, late lunch, early dinner.
Okay.
Early dinner.
So he's going to be bringing you back in the evening.
Okay.
So just don't invite him in if you don't think that you can handle what, you know, what y'all
might get into in there.
So, you know, if you, if you think that, I mean, was that the nature of the relationship
before y'all just went your separate ways?
Oh, okay.
All right.
So you guys were already kind of having some makeout sessions.
Exclusive.
Yeah.
Okay.
And is he, is he acting like, listen, is he, I know this is one date, but is he like moving
back around?
Is he like wanting to rekindle like, or is it just a one-time thing?
He's still out in Kansas with his mom.
He just, he was here for the holidays for, to be with his dad and his kids.
And like I said, this was unusual that, cause normally we just text Merry Christmas, whatever.
And he asked to see me again, but I, and he's going back to Kansas on the 4th.
And so there, I I'm just anxious to talk, visit and see what his plans are, see what's
going on.
If mom's doing okay, he's going to move back here.
I don't know.
Okay.
All right.
Well, I think that we just have to gauge it depending on that.
I mean, obviously, you know, I mean, I know that you like this guy, obviously, cause you're
glowing, but at the same time, you're like, like a school girl right now.
We don't want a situation where, you know, we're just a woman in, you know, we're a woman
in the port that they're in for the night.
You know, we don't want that either.
No.
So, yeah.
So remember the things that you've learned here and, you know, do what you would want
to do.
That is going to be sustainable for you longterm, how you're going to want to feel, you know,
right now you're super excited about seeing him, but if nothing's changed and you know,
he can't relocate and you can't relocate and you guys can't be together, then definitely
don't do anything.
That's going to leave you heartbroken.
Okay.
And we'll hold you accountable.
example, if you need someone, I'm sure one of your sisters would be more than willing
to be on speed dial for you that night and texting you and checking in on you and making
sure that you're chaperoned. Okay. Thank you. You're welcome. Paola, is that how I say it?
Paola? Yes. Well, Paola. It's actually. Paola. Paola. I still am not fine. I'm still like,
I'm really bad at that. Okay. So hi. What's your question? Hi. Um, well, I've been dating
doing as you, as you asked, opening up all my, all my online dating apps and have been
having this whole bunch of opportunities to date online dating. Um, and it's been tons
of fun. And one, and several of the people I've been, the guys I've been talking to,
some of them are incredibly interesting meeting in person thing is that where we have a huge
distance because I live in a different country, right? One of them, uh, after us probably
seven online dates, um, he said, Hey, um, I, I mentioned that I had some time off and
that I, and if he had some time off, we could travel and meet. Right. So we did, we did
travel and we met, we met, uh, last week we put, um, a middle point and we set up a middle point,
which was another country, which was not his nor mine. And it was a place where I also had friends.
So, um, and we had an amazing and amazing time together. The thing is that it was difficult to
manage this, how to manage, um, real life dating when you live in different countries, right.
And, um, dating one-on-one dating is, is a, is a challenge. So we went through
seven long dates last week and we had a whole bunch of fun and, and we also had these deep
conversations. Those, the things that you sometimes say that not to do, you don't, don't
engage on this long dates, but how can you, if this was kind of difficult to do well, long
distance, a lot of times we do what we call marathon dating, which is what you're doing right
now. Um, and that's what happens, you know, um, just had a, just had someone, um, talk to me
in phase two about how they dated someone for two years and they only saw them 10 times in
those two years. But those 10 times that they saw them were long periods of time, like long
weekends or a week or whatever, because we do these marathon dates when it's a long distance
situation. And so that's what you guys did. You guys try to pack like, you know, a couple of
months of dating into these trips because you're not going to be able to see each other regularly.
Correct. So we had an amazing time together now by the end of the seventh day, which was
yesterday, because yesterday we traveled back to our countries. We, uh, we had this nice
conversation of, okay, what is the next step? So, um, he was the one who actually said, you know
what, this was an amazing week, but I think we need to breathe in and breathe out without this
huge emotions that we have for each other and see if I miss you. If I, if, if I want to
pursue a relationship with you or we just keep friends, um, and so on and so forth. One of the
things that we discussed, well, what that was a first and a second thing that he said, I want you
to also to pray a lot because there's one thing that you mentioned and is the fact that you want
to have children in the future. And I, and he has a vasectomy and not interested in, in having more
children also because he's older. Right. Um, a lot older. So he's like probably how he is 58. I am 42.
Okay. So basically at the end of this whirlwind, you know,
trip. He is saying to you that, you know, you're great. I'm attracted to you. I had fun. But we
might not be in the same seasons of life. You know, I'm not sure that I want to make a any kind
of commitment to you because you want things that I don't necessarily want. And not to mention,
it would be hard. It would be hard to continue to see each other without someone. I mean,
like you said, you had to meet in a different country. That's neither one of your countries.
You know, you can't just go on vacation all the time to be together with your boyfriend or
girlfriend. And I have had couples in the past that have tried this. You know, one lived in
the Netherlands, the other one lived in America, and they would meet in Mexico or they would meet
in other countries that, you know, they were allowed in with their visas and different things.
And, you know, they had they tried to sustain it for they did for two years, and then they broke
up. And now he's marrying somebody else. And she's pretty devastated about that. So bottom line is,
is that, you know, it takes a lot to invest in something like this. And you have to be really,
really sure that it's a God thing. Okay, well, I will continue with the coaching sessions with you.
And I'm not thinking on stopping to see if it's a God thing. And I think that I should continue
dating other people in the meantime, I don't want to 100% you know, if a guy spends an entire week
with you, and then he says, Hey, I think that we should put the brakes on. That's usually not a
good sign. You know, if the woman says it, that's one thing. But if the man says it, then you know,
he obviously is running into some resistance inside of himself about what kind of effort or
investment or what what he might have to do to sustain that I'm sure he thinks you're beautiful.
I'm sure that he's attracted to you. But, you know, men have a tendency to be a little bit
more practical in some terms of, you know, is this something that I that I really could make
happen or could invest in and be successful at? Got it. Thank you. Yeah, thank you. I needed to
also to hear another person's perspective about this. Yeah, I have another guy right now. And he
decided he said, I really liked this woman, but she lives all the way on the East Coast. And I
have no plans of moving to the East Coast. And, you know, and just what it would take to be in
relationship with her. I'm just not sure that it's something that I should be investing in doing,
even though he really, really likes her. So it doesn't sound necessarily rejection. It's just
protection from wasting your time with something that isn't going to be right for you. And anytime
ladies and gentlemen, anytime you want to have children and someone that you're talking to,
doesn't matter how attracted they are to you. If they say that they do not want to have children,
you need to believe them. Okay. Might they change their mind? Sure. But unless you're willing to
give up that dream in the pursuit of this relationship, and when you get married, you
know, maybe they'll change their mind, but never marry someone thinking they're going to change
your mind or thinking you can change their mind, especially in that category. Let's not ever get
involved in that. Cause I have seen people marry people in said, you know, I just thought that you
were afraid or you would change your mind about this and they didn't change their mind. And you
know, then there's lots of contention and strife in the marriage. So if it's something that's not
a deal breaker for you and you can let go of it, you can live with it or without it. And you're
willing to do that for the love story, then fine. But if you're not, and that's the dream
of your heart to have a family, then you got to stick to your guns. Thank you so much, Jackie.
I really needed to hear that. Yes. And I believe that this movement is marked by geriatric
pregnancies, ladies. So if you're over 35 years old, that's what they consider advanced maternal
age medically, believe it or not. If you're over 35 years old and you want a baby. So whether you're
35 to 60, however old you are, I don't care. And you want a baby and you believe God's promised
you that I believe we're going to see crazy things like that happen. You know, I know people that
have had babies into their fifties. And so there isn't any reason why that can't happen for those
of you that are really desiring that. So don't give up on that quite yet, because God said,
we're going to see that stuff. Okay. All right. I don't have any other hands up,
but let me check the chat. A lot of people, I want babies. I want babies. All right.
Carla's saying she's the one that didn't want babies, but her former husband did.
They had a huge fight about this year after they got pregnant.
married. And then he declared to me over dinner one night. Everyone told him that you would change
your mind. Yeah. Nope. Don't ever think that you're going to change someone's mind. In fact,
it's not, it's not even, um, it's not honorable to, to marry someone knowing that there are certain
things that they have said that they don't want to do in life. And, but you do want to do those
things. And you think that when you get married, you're just going to magically be able to,
you know, seduce them or manipulate them or course them or convince them into otherwise.
Don't do that. All right. Hi, Stacy. What do you got?
Stacy McBain, Texas. Got your hand up. I do. I had a hard time getting off mute.
I just wanted to share. This isn't really a dating question. This is just
some encouragement. Um, cause I'm in, I'm in a season where I I'm in no mood to get on any apps
right now, so I'm not going to do it, but I am telling all of my family. I am telling all of my
friends. I just went to the chiropractor tonight and told him, Hey, listen, I'm looking for a man.
And yeah, I want to be married, all the things. And, um, you guys, when you have good community,
they're going to look out for you. And so my nephew sent me a card of someone. He went and
had his windshield replaced. And he's like, Hey, aunt stays. I met this guy. Um, I showed him a
picture of you. He said, he's interested and you can give him a call or you can text him. So I
texted him and, um, you know, introduced myself. And I said, if you ever want to get together.
And so we're supposed to meet up on Friday. And then today he actually surprised me and he was
like, Hey, hope your day was great. And I was like, Hmm. Um, but a good, Hmm. So I just want
to encourage everybody, put it out there, man. It's your little nephew fixing you up. Come on.
I know. I know they love it. This is a value. This part of the value ladder of this community,
community-based matchmaking, please leverage your community, this community,
your personal communities, your family, tell everyone, there's no shame in your game. Tell
them you want to be married. Tell them that they can play wing man, wing woman for you.
When they're out and about, they meet someone who's interesting that they think you would
be interested in that they have the, they have permission to, you know, make those introductions.
And also I want to encourage everybody because I talked to a coworker of mine today and I said,
Hey, you and your husband, you know, you guys, you guys need to be looking out for me. And she goes,
Hmm. How do you find someone like that? And I'm like, by asking questions, I said, you know,
your husband works with a bunch of men, maybe they're married, but he could just simply say,
Hey, you know what? My wife has this hope coworker and she is just like a catch. And so if you guys
know any guys that are single or you're, you know, relatives or whatever, I said, that's how,
so you got to do some coaching too. Yeah. Yeah. You may have to marry people. Apparently forget
what it's like to be single. I don't know how, I don't know how they forget, but they do.
And some of them, you know, they've been together forever and they met, you know,
in high school or something. And that's wonderful. And that works for some people.
But there are a lot of single people. There's a lot of single people. And so everybody knows
single people don't give me this garbage. I don't know any single people. Yeah, you do.
There's a lot of single people. You just never think about those people because you're happily
married. And so you're not concerning yourself with the love lives of other people. But I have
always concerned myself with the love lives of other people, which is why I do what I do.
And so you all have a friend that's like me, make sure you're leveraging that friend
to help you. And, um, and some people are embarrassed to try to play matchmaker. And
they're like, what if it doesn't work out? I don't want that person to hate me, or I don't
want you to hate me. And just go ahead and let them know, hey, you know what, it's low stakes.
It's no big deal. I'm not trying. I'm not asking you to find me a husband. I'm asking you to find
me a date. And I asked you to find me a wife for the few guys that are on here. I'm asking you to
find me a date, make sure that you tell them that because that will be very helpful to them.
Because if they feel like trying to find your husband for you, a lot of people will say pass.
Right. And what and the other thing I tell people is, hey, it's my responsibility to vet them.
You don't have to have all the answers. It's my responsibility to vet them.
Yes. Amen. And then, and then also I encourage three men today that I know that are single to
who join 1822 and I sent them the invitation.
I said, I think that this would be great for you.
And they were all very thankful that I thought of them.
Yes, I love that.
And you know, what's really interesting,
you guys such a small, small, small community,
but one of the men that Stacy, you know,
when she first got in this community
was spending a little bit of time with at level two,
getting to know, he actually ended up getting engaged
to one of the women that was in my program
at the very beginning that I used to go to church with.
I just happened to notice that Stacy,
I just randomly and I was like,
oh, I think this is the person that, you know,
so you guys, we're in a very small world.
I say that to say that we're in a little,
we're a small world in the family of God.
And you know, we are the biggest family on earth
and it's a small, it's a small world after all,
when you know as many people as we know across the board.
And so it's important that, you know,
we go ahead and leverage that.
Community-based matchmaking in 2024,
let's leverage that, okay?
All right.
And remember, if you meet someone,
whether it's a woman, gentlemen, or it's a man, ladies,
that, you know, isn't gonna be a match for you
for whatever reason, definitely send them to the community
and go even further than that.
Really pray and say, hey God,
is there someone within the community
that I should introduce them to?
And then go ahead and do it.
We've had marriages happen that way, okay?
One of our marriages that just happened in December,
she was connected to her current husband right now,
the guy she just married through a woman in this community.
For those of you that are in New York City,
I just got word tonight that I'm gonna get a chance
to go back to New York City.
And I don't know when that singles event's gonna be.
I don't know if it's gonna be around Valentine's Day.
Those dates haven't been decided yet,
but I'm really excited about that.
And the reason I'm thinking about that
is because God said that he was gonna use
New York City of all places as a hotspot
for kingdom marriage to come out of,
because it is not known for connection.
New York is known for disconnection.
It's known for people not even looking you in the eye,
let alone asking you on a date.
And just, you know, people closed off,
people suspicious of other people.
And I believe that God is going to change
the reputation of that place for kingdom connection.
And so I love to continue to sow seed
and water seed in that area.
That's right.
The city, I can agree.
I've been to see recently in the subway,
hardly anybody talks.
Well, it's not safe to talk is what they probably think.
And so, yeah.
And you guys, I've noticed just in general,
I live in Texas,
which is considered a very friendly place.
And I noticed that very few people make eye contact.
The next time you're out and about,
just notice how many people will not look you in the eye,
how many people will not look you in the face.
They won't acknowledge your existence.
You know, they're off in another world.
They got too much on their mind
or they're purposely not wanting to make connection.
It's pretty sad.
And so we definitely want to shift that for sure.
And we're going to, we're gonna continue to do that.
Okay, so we have about 30 minutes left
of our time here together.
So let's see.
All right, so William brings up a good point.
He said that, you know,
the church or the community that he's part of spiritually
has frowned upon asking people in the community,
you know, to be your wing woman or wing men,
or, you know, even on a date or whatever.
And that's unfortunate.
And I understand why some churches
don't want to get involved in that.
You guys, there's a lot of spiritual communities
that don't put an emphasis on single people getting married.
A lot.
Raise your hand if you feel like you have been now currently
or in the past been involved in a spiritual community
that didn't seem to care about, you know,
you wanting to get married
or just didn't seem to care about single people
being able to meet people and get, you know,
into a romantic relationship.
Look at all those hands.
That's a lot of hands.
Okay.
It's okay if I say.
Question.
Okay, Hunter, what's your question?
It's okay if I say that the church
doesn't want me to be married and they see that desire,
but they start to saying what,
they start to question and why it's not happening.
Sure.
So you guys,
church is historically known as a place for, you know,
couples and families, a lot of people feel that way
that are single.
A lot of singles have told me that they feel like
they've fallen through the cracks
while they do have friends at church and different things.
There's not a lot of programs,
there's not a lot of events or different things
that are geared towards specifically single people
being empowered and single people being able to mingle
with other single people and meet a possible match
for marriage.
And I think that's changing.
I really do.
I see a lot of singles groups popping up
that are associated with Christian communities.
And of course, we're out here
trying to do that work as well.
And I wanna let you know that we're gonna be doing
a lot of in-person events in 2024.
Retreats, conferences, even adventure type focused stuff
where people would be going on a vacation
type of situation together.
We're gonna be having things that are just for men,
just for women, things that are co-ed
because we really want people to be getting together
in person this year.
We're gonna partner with other singles communities
and other single brands in different areas here in Austin.
In fact, I just heard back from a single event planner here,
someone who plans events for singles
that we're going to collaborate on doing something together
here for Single City Austin and in other areas as well.
And you guys, I did not grow up in the church.
So if I throw a party, it's gonna be fun, okay?
I just wanna let you know that right now.
It's gonna be a fun time, a good time.
It's not gonna be some awkward, weird situation.
It's gonna be a good time
where there is lots of opportunity for connection.
All right, so what else we got here?
I do have a question, Jackie, sorry.
I was wondering where I can find the link
for the 1822 group
because I had many opportunities to talk about it,
but I couldn't because I couldn't refer the men
to the group.
That should be in your guide section of your Facebook group.
If you go to the guides in the link section,
you should be able to find the link to the group.
Is it your link?
It's your link that I see.
I don't see 1822.
There should be a link in there.
It says the 1822 challenge group for men.
And yes, it's my link, it's my group,
but that's what it's called.
Okay, thank you.
Yes, go with the guide section of your Facebook group
and look in the links section.
You might have to scroll down a little bit,
but you should see the one for the men.
So just say men's group,
and it'll have a link, the 1822 challenge.
All right, does anyone else have any other scenarios
or questions on tonight's Love Seeds 2024?
We're kicking it off.
We're going after it.
Well, let's put it in the chat.
Okay.
The link for 1822.
Okay, yeah, Cheryl.
Cheryl, just put the link in the chat,
whoever was asking for it just now.
I couldn't see who you were asking.
If you know anyone in Alaska, let me know.
That's fair.
She says that one of my churches
that felt like singleness was used as a recruitment tool
for volunteer and serving roles.
Yes, that's not a lie.
And yes.
All right.
Those are all good comments
if you guys read the comments there.
I think one of the steps that we can take
towards secure attachment, friends,
is that we need to start to not be afraid
to say that we need other people.
A lot of people are not afraid to say
that they want something,
but they're afraid to say that they need it.
Let's just sit there for just a second.
You need people.
Okay, and if you're called to partner and get married,
you need a woman, gentlemen.
God said you need a woman.
It's not good for a man to be alone, right?
Adam didn't ask God for Eve.
I really want, let's focus on that for a second.
Adam did not ask God for Eve.
Adam didn't know that he needed a helpmate.
God knew that he needed a helpmate.
So Adam didn't ask for Eve, God told Adam that he needed Eve.
Do you guys see the difference there?
Okay, and so it's important that we understand
that we don't just want each other, we need each other.
And until you're really willing to allow the truth
of that statement to get deep in your heart,
you're going to be looking at people based on what?
Based on wants, based on wishes,
based on sometimes deficits.
Instead of looking at people as the God-given gift
that God created on the earth so that we can have full lives
so that we can accomplish the things
that God has placed us here to accomplish,
including loving Him.
There are parts of loving God
that you will never experience until you see them
through another person's eyes.
Seeing God through another person's eyes
that you're intimately connected with
will help draw you closer to God
in ways that you could not have gotten to on your own.
So for those of you that are worried
that you're gonna get married
and you're not gonna love God as much,
you're gonna love God more.
Okay, Corinne, hands up.
Hi, thank you.
Hi.
Hi, I have an age range question, if that's okay.
Just kind of wondering what, particularly for younger,
like I'm 41, there seems to be a lot of 28,
29-year-olds interested,
and I'm kind of feeling like a little too young,
but I didn't know,
I know maturity is in who you are,
not necessarily a number,
but just wondering if I'm being too strict with that
or if you have a recommendation for age range.
You know, there are people that,
you know, personality obviously doesn't have an age.
And so I think that there are some age ranges
that you're going to run into difficulties.
You will run into difficulties.
You might not run into difficulties in this season of life,
but you're gonna run into difficulties
in another season of life.
You know, if you're 10, 14 years older than someone,
you know, it's all great when you're, you know, 32,
you know, even 38 years old,
but when you're 68 and they're like in their 40s still,
then what, you know?
And so you have to be willing to understand
that if you're gonna have longevity in a relationship
that eventually things will get hard.
And if you're willing to do that,
then I don't think that it's a big deal.
Now, if we're shopping for someone younger than us
on purpose for reasons that are purely selfish,
then I think that that is always a bad idea.
You know, I do have men specifically,
I don't think I've ever, maybe I've had one woman
trying to think, maybe one or two women
express a desire for a much younger man,
but we do have quite a few men that come through
that do not want to marry their peers,
meaning they don't want to marry women
that are within a five year age range of them.
They want to marry someone who's 10, 14,
15 years younger than them.
And, you know, first of all,
that's dishonoring to their peers, right?
Because these are the people that you grew up with
that you went to high school with.
These are the women that are in your age range.
You know, a lot of these men are men
that they didn't get married for whatever reason.
They're working on their career or doing something different
and now, you know, they're past a woman's childbearing age
that are their peers, but they want to, you know,
marry in a younger generation so that they can have,
you know, biological children.
You know, that happens sometimes
and it definitely has happened in past generations.
A lot of times that was about financial security
for those younger women.
It doesn't happen as much.
Now that women work and women have their own money
and women have their own abilities
to make their way in life,
not a lot of women, unless they're gold diggers
and you're a really rich man,
not a lot of women are interested in marrying someone
who's old enough to have graduated from high school
or been close to graduating high school
when they were born.
Not a lot of women are interested in that.
That being said, you know,
that's a huge age difference for you.
Someone in their 20s, my son is 28 years old
and I can't imagine anyone who is your age
wanting to date him.
And so I guess it really depends on the person,
depends on the guy, depends on what he's like
and his maturity level and whether or not
you think you're going to have something compatible
long-term and whether or not when you guys get older,
if you're married, you're going to be able to deal
with the fact that people will think maybe
that you're his older sister or even his mom.
Nobody wants that.
No woman wants that.
Once what again?
wants to be mistaken for their husband's mother.
So what I'm hearing then is I'm not being too strict by being like, I don't think so.
I, you know, I think it would be fine to do something five or six years younger.
For me, what I've seen with, you know, we do have May-December romances.
Two of my really close friends are married to men that are 25 years older than them.
Okay. So I, it, that does happen. Both of those men are very rich though. I will say that.
And both of my friends are very bougie. The ones that are married to those men.
But May-December romances definitely happen in the opposite way as well. My former husband
married a woman who's eight years older than him. And so definitely those things happen for sure.
And those can be happy unions. But when we're talking about something that's more than 10 years,
then you have to start to consider some of the, you know, long-term effects of that.
Thank you. You're welcome.
And there are guys that are interested in you that are probably closer to your age as well.
You do look young for your age. So, you know, and you guys, men are notoriously a bad guess at age.
A lot of the guys that I deal with, I'll be like, well, how old do you think this woman is? And they
will guess way off. And I'm like, oh, the guy might deal with someone who's like, yeah, you know,
they're like 50 and they're, they're wanting, you know, they're like, I don't know. I don't
know if there are any women my age that I'd be attracted to. You know, I, you know, thinking that
50 year old women aren't attractive still. And then I have to break the news to them that I'm
50 years old. And I don't find that, find that quite offensive. And they're like,
oh, wow. I thought you were like 35. And I'm like, yeah, see, you're not a good judge of age.
So maybe we should rethink that gentlemen. Let's rethink that because just because a woman,
women are aging, listen, women that are born in the sixties and seventies are aging, like fine
wine. I'm going to tell you right now, I've seen them around and they're looking good.
50 sixties and seventies just to looking good. Okay. All right. Got off on a tangent with the
age thing. I'm eight, 18. Okay. Who else has something? Who has a dating question?
You're in a situation. You want advice on it? Anybody?
I can't really talk about it in a position where I can talk, but I did put my question in the chat
a minute ago. Okay. Let me see. Meg. That's Meg, right? All right. Yes. I have a situation.
I've been talking to this guy and we've had two F2F dates. F2F?
Face to face. Oh, thank you. He tried to kiss me after the first. So before the second,
I made sure to let him know that I wasn't ready for that. Wanted to go slower. He didn't try to
kiss me again on the second date, but did bring it up the next day that he wanted to, but that
I didn't, I just joked it off by saying, laughed it off by saying maybe soon. And his response was
how many dates? I am definitely not ready for level three with him now. And really not sure
we'll get there at this stage. Ideas for a response, or is this leaning more towards a
red than yellow flag? I mean, he obviously is trying to figure out how much he has to invest
in before he's going to get a kiss, which is interesting. Yeah. I mean,
at least he's being upfront about the fact that he wants to kiss you and wants to know how many
dates you're going to need in order for you to feel comfortable doing that. And I would have to
say that in my heart of hearts, I feel like that's just the gateway drug, right? In a way that he's
like, how many dates until I get the first kiss? And then of course, when you break that seal,
going further into that. So he's definitely more focused on the physical aspects of the connection.
And if I were you, that would make me wonder if he's interested in the other aspects of me.
If he's so focused on, hey, when am I going to get to have some kind of sexual contact with you? Even
if it's just a kiss, are you just going out with me so you can get there, get me comfortable to
that place? Or are you actually interested in other aspects of me? And so I think that's a
fair question. Instead of, answer a question with a question, how many dates until I get the first
kiss? And then you can say, well, I don't know, how many dates is it going to take until
I feel like I can trust that you're interested in more than a kiss.
Oh, touche, my friend.
So Meg, please let us know how that goes because inquiring minds want to know.
Thank you. That's good advice.
Yes.
And you guys, there's nothing wrong with kissing. Kissing is great. I love kissing. But once again,
we're not trying to just kiss to kiss. We obviously want to have that be part of a
bigger package of relationships. All right. Anybody else have a question? That was a good one.
Oh, I love this. Paul says, good question. Dated women who get physical early. Ladies,
it's not just the guys. And I've heard plenty of men say this, that the woman wanted to go
too far, too fast, physical. And a lot of times it's because the woman wants to like mark you.
She wants to mark you, trying to seduce you, get a little claws in you. Okay. And so it's
important that we understand that that's not just a male man thing. They were like, oh,
these men, they want to get sexual too fast. No, women do it too. For sure. All right.
For Paul's over here being molested by these women who want to just go too far, too fast.
Paul, we're going to protect you. Aren't we? Ladies, we're not going to let it happen on our
watch, but seriously, you know, it's one thing for a woman to shut a man down. That's kind of
normal, but you know, for a man to have to shut a woman down, be like, Hey, down girl,
come on, calm down. I mean, that's, that's not fun. That's not fun for a man to have to do that.
No. In fact, I would be curious about the language that men would use in that situation.
Paul, do you have any, do you have any examples of what you would say to someone
who is trying to come on too strong physically?
My, my husband's over in the corner working on something. He's like, yo, bro. What's up?
My voice is gone.
That's going around. Yeah. That's voices. People losing their voices. It's going around. Yeah.
We can hear you. No, I wish I had a good comeback for that. Cause it's kind of awkward.
It is awkward. I agree. It's also hard to turn down.
Yeah. It's also hard to turn down. I mean, we're talking to men, you know, of course they're like,
Hey, yeah, but no, because it's dishonoring. And I, we would appreciate that about you, Paul,
that you would just because she wanted to, that you wouldn't want to do that with someone who
you don't have those types of feelings with or that level of relationship with. And gentlemen,
I think that you can do the same thing that we tell women to do to say, Hey, you know what?
I'm not ready for that. And just leave it at that. And, you know, if she thinks if she's like,
Whoa, that's weird for a man to say, well then be the weird man, be the weird and honorable man.
Cute ladies giving Vicky this granny panty advice. Oh my. Oh my.
I love y'all. Okay. All right. We have, we have time for at least one more.
Someone said down, Bessie. Oh my.
Meg is owning it. She's like, she used to as well. She's conscious. Yeah. Ladies. A lot of times,
you know, women just, they want, they want to seal the deal. They want, they want to know that
that guy's going to be coming back for more. They're trying to, you know, trying to get them
kind of hooked. Let me tell you something about these dating phases, whatever you bait the hook
with guys and girls, whatever you bait the hook with, whatever you catch them with, you're going
to have to keep them with. And so make sure that you're not catching them with something that's
not sustainable. Gentlemen, don't catch them with your paycheck and fancy dinners and money,
because what happens if you know, you go through a drought in your finances, if that woman's only
with you for the wine and dine experience, and she's going to be long gone, you know,
we, we don't want to really outside bait is soulmate territory. We don't want to try to
catch them with any kind of sexuality. The dark feminine ladies, that's a real thing.
Manipulation, seduction, right? Don't, don't go there. And then outside bait, inside bait,
spirit mate. Okay. Spirit mates are inside bait. So, you know, our, our piece, I had a girl the
other day. I understand.
introduced her to someone and she said, man, this guy, I didn't introduce her.
She met someone in our community and she said, man, this man carries a lot of
peace. She's like, he's such a peaceful guy to talk to, you know, that's inside
bait. That's spirit mate stuff right there. Everyone wants to be around someone
who just makes them feel calm and happy. Okay, so be yourself, cultivate the gifts
of the spirit. There's nothing sexier than a healthy healed and whole heart.
There's nothing sexier. Everything else is going to sag. Gravity is going to
take its toll on everything else. Okay. And the economy is going to take its
toll on everything else at times. Not saying you're not going to prosper. You
are. But if someone's only with you during times of prosperity, then
they're the wrong person for you. Okay, who else? Time for one more. No tongue,
no tonsils. Y'all are getting dirty in here. Where are we at?
Hug me until there's a mutual connection.
I think what she means is not like in one sitting, like we're only going to do
hugs after dates until there's a mutual desire and connection. Not like, hug me
and keep hugging me until I'm interested. No.
An hour later, they're still hugging you like, are you ready yet? No, I'm still
not ready. No, that's not what she means. Nine hours later.
Gentlemen, I hope you enjoy your sisters in this community because we're crazy in
a good way. Crazy like a box. Okay, anyone else?
All right, I see some ladies in here that you know, I've seen you for a while.
I want to just encourage you that some of the the people that have been in my
program the longest, they're actually starting to announce their engagements
are getting married. So makes me so happy. There are very few people from my
first inaugural class of this that are not married. Okay, so are not in a
serious relationship. And so that makes me really, really happy. I had a picture
of my first Austin retreat of all the ladies that came out for that. And I put
little red slashes like little over their head of the ones that are in a
serious relationship or married, serious relationship engaged or married. And it
was pretty much everyone except for a handful. And that makes me really happy.
And so I want to encourage you also be on the lookout of friends becoming
lovers in the way of people that maybe you knew in the past, you you may be even
barely an acquaintance with them. Maybe they were at the same high school as you
but you know, you didn't really know them that well that circling background
that's happened to two of my clients just recently, someone that they knew 16
years ago. Now all of a sudden they move back to the small town that they grew up
in and they moved back to and now they're together. That's happened a
couple times now. So do not count that kind of stuff out. Because that's
definitely happening. I have one of that's happened to three of my clients
actually. And one of them is actually marrying that person. I think on the
18th of January. So that's exciting. You're like, Jackie, how do you keep all
these records in your head? I don't know. It was. I don't know. Must be
supernatural. All right, you guys, we have prophesy your year coming. For those
of you that have done it before, raise your hand if you've ever done it before
you did it last January or you did it at Rosh Hashanah. Raise your hand if
you've ever done it. Go ahead and put in the chat how life changing it was. I
use my calendar, my my prophesy your year calendar. It really helped me in some
different months of the year to really have clarity and what God was saying to
me. It's a very supernatural time. Lindsay has agreed to come back and do
it again at the first of the year. It's going to be this Sunday night. It's going
to be 430 Pacific, 630 Central and 730 Eastern. If you're not coming, you will
still have activation time. So you can go to that. We're not going to cancel
that. But if you do want to come and you've never experienced it, it is going
to rock your little socks off. And the more people that come, the better,
because we have those prophetic, prophetic partner breakout sessions where
that person is going to be the confirmation of your prophetic words
over each month. And that's what it is. Lindsay will lead you in how to hear from
God in advance of the months of the year in 2024 and what your focus should be in
those months and what God is saying to you about those months. And we're going
to have an extended time this time instead of 90 minutes. It's going to be
two hours long and it's going to be great. So go ahead and put that on the
calendar. If you plan on going to that, the registration for that will be up in
the groups soon. All right. I just want to pray over you. Father, highlight your
sons and daughters. They have spirit mates. This is their time.
calling them as missionaries to marriage and family.
It's time for revival.
It's time for whatever has been the patterns in the past,
we left in the past, and a step into the future, Lord.
We know that you are going to equip them.
You do not call the equipped, you equip the called.
And so they are called to marriage and family,
and you will equip them with what they need in the moment.
I pray, Lord, that they would continue to press in here,
that they would show up to intercession and to prayer.
Let this be a time of intercession.
I'm feeling that in my spirit.
Let's press into our prayer times together
as a community and really intercede
over what God wants to have happen in 2024.
I believe it's a birthing year.
It's a leap year.
So I believe it's gonna be an accelerated time
where we're gonna leap forward into the promises of God
like never before.
Let it be so, in Jesus' name, amen.
All right, love you.