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Okay, you guys, so tonight's lesson is people pleasing, or people pleasing no more.

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I actually have it on a PowerPoint, and so there will be an opportunity for you guys

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to take notes if you want, but you know me, whenever I do PowerPoint for y'all, I end

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up giving you the PDF of it, so you don't have to scramble to take notes, but definitely

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if you have a pen and paper, take notes.

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Once I start sharing the screen, I see a lot less of you on the screen, and so I just want

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to encourage you, if you have questions, I will try to keep an eye on the chat.

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It's harder when I have the PowerPoint up, but I will definitely try to keep doing that,

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and I'll periodically stop sharing the screen so I can see all of you and field questions,

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but you might need some of the lists that are up on the screen, because I do want this

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to be a night of impact.

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Just so you guys know, as we cross over to this new way of doing paths this year, obviously

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path one is really going to always be focused on something really personal or topical and

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a two-parter.

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It's always going to be a two-parter.

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Phase two is always going to be geared towards something about your dating process, and then

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path three is always geared if you are in a serious relationship, so obviously, if you

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are in a serious relationship, one month, you're going to go to path three, and if you

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guys break up, you would go back to path one or two, and that's just kind of how it works,

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and so since it's a two-parter, I'm really going to focus this week about learning the

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art of saying yes and no, but saying it healthy and enjoying that, and next time, the part

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two of that in two weeks will be conflict resolution or confrontation, because a lot

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of the reason why we have a hard time saying no is we're afraid of conflict, and we're

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afraid of confrontation, and I feel like I touch on it for about five hot seconds in

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the boundaries class, and I've always said I would love an entire session to be able

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to talk about conflict resolution and confrontation, and now we're going to get that chance, so

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that's kind of just a teaser for you all for the next time.

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So I'm going to go ahead.

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Actually, let me just pray this real quick.

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Father God, I just thank you so much for an opportunity for us to be together tonight,

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for us to talk about what does it mean to say yes and no from a healthy viewpoint.

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Father God, may we just receive your love and identity.

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God, Father God, we could say no a lot easier if we just remembered who we are in Christ,

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and so just kind of download that to us tonight supernaturally, and we just lift up everybody

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here tonight in the precious name of Jesus.

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Amen.

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Okay.

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Let me go ahead and share my screen.

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Okay.

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View slide show.

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All right.

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So it is called People Pleaser No More, your last year single, and again, I really want

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you guys to speak up and share as I do each slide what's really resonating with you,

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which bullet points really are sticking for you, because this is probably not your first

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rodeo talking about boundaries.

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If you actually took path three with me, I did circles, which was really for three sessions,

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and I really talked about healthy ways to have boundaries, which you can't have healthy

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boundaries without learning the art of saying no sometimes, and so I promise this is all

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new content too, but like me, obviously, I've been in therapy a very long time, and

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I've been to retreats, I've given it to God, I've been through the heart work, and yet

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I can still very easily fall back into the people pleaser personality.

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It's just, as Paul would say, it's the thorn in my side, and so I will probably have to

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face this until I go home to Jesus, and so this is the phrase that my pastor said to

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me today when we were talking.

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He's like, Renee, you keep picking back up performance-based acceptance, and you forget

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that you need to rely on God-based acceptance.

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The root of you not being able to say no, the root of you judging yourself is based

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on this ability that you go about that.

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It is about owning who we are, not what we do, so we cannot stop being a people pleaser

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if we don't lay down our need to be performance-based for our level of acceptance.

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We have to, have to, have to pick back up every single day if we must God-based acceptance.

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We have to remember it is about God only cares about who we are.

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He doesn't care about what you do, which is counterintuitive of the way our culture is,

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you guys, because what is the first thing, if you have, hello, my name is, what is the

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and people ask you after that, what do you do?

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What do you do is the most common answer.

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And, you know, we should not answer that with our job.

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Like we could say, well, what do you do?

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I don't know, I do a lot of things.

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I read, I write, I run, I go work out, I paddleboard,

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I play, you know, I hang out with my nieces and nephews.

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There's a lot of great things that I do,

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but we are a society that is so hung up

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on titles and productivity.

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And so this is like swimming upstream.

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And, you know, I didn't even realize this,

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but in the fish scene of The Chosen,

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there's actually a fish that's going upstream

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while all the other fish are going downstream.

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And that's really, for us people pleasers,

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that's really something that we're gonna have to do

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is we are gonna have to go upstream.

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We have to own that God cares about who we are,

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not what we do.

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I really want you to hang on to that.

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Okay, so if you're like,

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well, I don't even know what you're talking about, Renee,

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what is really performance-based acceptance?

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So we're gonna sit on this page a bit,

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and I really wanna hear from you guys at all.

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So here are some of the things that you know,

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if you're like, I don't know,

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I mean, you can print this page out

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because the next page is gonna be grace-based acceptance.

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And if you're like, I don't know where I am,

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print these two pages out when I send them to you

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and kind of feel like the emotions

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that you're feeling in a day and go,

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am I about to make this decision

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because of this list or this list?

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So if you are performance-based, you are always,

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oh, yeah, okay.

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I wanted to make sure I actually had the right list for you.

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I kind of panicked there for a second.

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Okay, so performance-based is always event-based.

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You're always deciding your decision

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and how you feel based on the current events.

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Perfect example, I came out of the new year,

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I came home from Connecticut,

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and I had to do a weigh-in and pictures

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and everything with my nutrition

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and health coach that I'm working with.

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And it was the first time in 12 weeks

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I slaughtered myself in the report.

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Like I'm normally like, happy-go-lucky, I'm doing great.

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I'm at all cylinders.

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And I just destroyed myself in this report.

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I'm like, I don't like what I look like.

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None of my numbers look good.

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The scale, and here's the thing, you guys,

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I went through the holidays and ate,

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like I'm doing so well with my nutrition

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that I was able to enjoy all the holiday food

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and not gain any weight.

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And yet I still slaughtered myself.

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And so I literally made my coach cry

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because it was the first time she ever heard me

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like just destroy myself.

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And my acceptance of who I am

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and the temple of God that he's created

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was all based on these events

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that not at all with who he says I am.

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And she's like, Renee, you're being mean to my friend.

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That's what she said, you're being mean to my friend.

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That's how she views me, I'm her friend.

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Performance-based is very either or.

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And you'll see the difference of what that is for.

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You're gonna see what the difference is

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when we look at the grace list.

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So it's either or, it has to be this or that,

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it's or that, this or that, there's no in between.

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Performance-based is very justice-driven.

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You guys, I used to wear my justice hat

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like a crown of honor.

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I can be very justice-oriented.

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I like to know what's fair, what's right.

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And then of course, God humbles me.

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And I think of the Bible verses

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where it talks about the person who complained

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because somebody worked all day

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and got paid the same amount of money

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as the person who only worked an hour.

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And I'm always like,

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well, but the other person did only work an hour.

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That doesn't seem fair, because I'm justice-driven.

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But justice-driven people

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are very performance-based acceptance people.

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If you are performance-based,

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it means you have a harder time with forgiveness,

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typically with yourself.

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And you're like, I'm such a forgiving person.

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I'm a people pleaser, I forgive everybody.

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But I guess the question I would ask is,

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do you forgive yourself?

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Performance-based really does inhibit relationship growth.

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If we are so fixated on our performance,

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we can't help but impose that on other people.

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And it will inhibit our ability to connect

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and have healthy relationships with other people,

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believe it or not.

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So the irony is we say yes all the time

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because we don't wanna ruin the relationship.

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But actually at the end of the day,

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and we're gonna discuss a little bit later,

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why saying yes begrudgingly

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actually hurts the relationship

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more than if you just said no to begin with.

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Again, because of the right of the justice thing,

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it's all about what's right.

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It's very right-wrong toggle, rights, rights, rights.

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It's also good and bad judgment.

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So one of the phrases that we try to get away from

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in therapy land or when we talk to young kids.

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It's, is that a good thing or is that a bad thing?

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Good, bad, good, bad, right, wrong, right, wrong.

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What we try to say are the words healthy and unhealthy

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because who am I to say what's right

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and who am I to say what's wrong?

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Really only God can decide that.

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But even among that, there are some scripture

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that you and I might agree to disagree on.

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We can look at a verse and I might go down one line

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what that means and you might go down the other line.

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So there's a lot of judgment that kind of goes

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with that.

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Believe it or not, the more we are performance-based,

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the more we diminish our relationship with God.

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And you might think, well, oh my gosh,

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but I'm severing the Lord.

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I'm saying yes to everybody at church.

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The problem is if we're saying yes all the time

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because we feel like we've got to earn God's love,

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earn other people's love,

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then we're actually not accepting Christ died for us

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and that was enough.

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We don't do good things for the Lord to earn his love.

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We do it out of obedience and response

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to the thing that he's already done to us,

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but it's a very different intention.

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God never wants us to say yes out of guilt

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or shame or being pressured.

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So that will actually hinder our relationship.

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Performance-based, people never see a win-win solution.

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They always see a win-lose situation.

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Their person in Christ, they forget,

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they're very self-esteem driven.

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A person in Christ self, I think I typed that wrong.

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I might have to fix that.

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They don't see their selves in their person in Christ.

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And so their self-esteem is really based

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on how their own acting.

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Oh my goodness, this is what happened.

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Let's see.

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Nope, see, I've got, you guys are gonna have to forgive me.

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I cut and pasted this wrong.

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There's two on here that are not correct.

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The person in Christ drives self-esteem.

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Those two and focus on joy, that would be grace.

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So let me just explain that.

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That's why that wasn't making sense.

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Okay, so if I know who I am in Christ,

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that's what drives my self-esteem.

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I need to cut and paste that over onto the grace page

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because that's where it's supposed to be.

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Also grace acceptance focuses on joy,

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which is non-circumstantial.

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Okay, so I will make sure I move those

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before I send this over to y'all.

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Condemnation over mistake.

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So it just means performance.

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It's bad enough that we all make mistakes,

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but a performance-based person

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will condemn themselves over making mistakes.

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And you guys, I saw my mom do this at Christmas time.

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00:12:34.460 --> 00:12:36.440
She made all of this food to bring over

247
00:12:36.440 --> 00:12:38.300
for Christmas Eve at my brother's.

248
00:12:39.160 --> 00:12:40.680
The one thing that she made

249
00:12:40.680 --> 00:12:43.320
that wasn't like out of the park amazing

250
00:12:43.320 --> 00:12:44.400
was her stuffed clams.

251
00:12:44.400 --> 00:12:47.040
They just did not come out good this time.

252
00:12:47.040 --> 00:12:48.600
The clams are really salty

253
00:12:48.600 --> 00:12:50.160
and she didn't adjust fast enough

254
00:12:50.160 --> 00:12:51.920
and they just weren't that good.

255
00:12:51.920 --> 00:12:54.280
She beat up herself the entire night.

256
00:12:54.280 --> 00:12:55.980
Like forget the fact that everything else

257
00:12:55.980 --> 00:12:57.560
she brought was amazing.

258
00:12:57.560 --> 00:13:01.760
She just beat herself up over this faulty clam thing.

259
00:13:01.760 --> 00:13:06.360
And I'm like, mom, I hate that you can't feel happy

260
00:13:06.360 --> 00:13:07.760
about what you did that went well.

261
00:13:07.760 --> 00:13:09.400
Like you focused the whole night

262
00:13:09.400 --> 00:13:11.440
on the one stupid appetizer that you made

263
00:13:11.440 --> 00:13:13.000
that really nobody cared about in the end.

264
00:13:13.000 --> 00:13:13.840
It was fine.

265
00:13:16.000 --> 00:13:18.920
The other thing is if you are performance-based,

266
00:13:18.920 --> 00:13:21.440
you believe your definition of performance

267
00:13:21.440 --> 00:13:23.200
in person is actually the same.

268
00:13:23.200 --> 00:13:27.080
So if you're performing well, you're a pretty great person.

269
00:13:27.080 --> 00:13:30.020
If you're not performing well, you're not a great person.

270
00:13:30.020 --> 00:13:31.860
You have very performance-driven self-esteem.

271
00:13:31.860 --> 00:13:33.320
See, this is the correct list.

272
00:13:34.760 --> 00:13:36.720
And so you focus on happiness.

273
00:13:36.720 --> 00:13:38.940
So that's the difference between the grace one.

274
00:13:38.940 --> 00:13:41.800
So up above where it says focuses on joy,

275
00:13:41.800 --> 00:13:44.560
non-circumstantial, that's grace.

276
00:13:44.560 --> 00:13:48.260
Focus on happiness, circumstance is our key.

277
00:13:48.260 --> 00:13:49.820
So that's the problem.

278
00:13:49.820 --> 00:13:52.700
We are defining our value based on

279
00:13:52.700 --> 00:13:54.700
what is going on around us.

280
00:13:54.700 --> 00:13:58.460
And a performance-based person, love is based on feelings.

281
00:13:58.460 --> 00:14:02.760
And that's when you guys know we are not in a soulmate

282
00:14:02.760 --> 00:14:05.740
or spirit mate relationship with somebody.

283
00:14:05.740 --> 00:14:08.760
I remember the Navigators leaders that were discipling me

284
00:14:08.760 --> 00:14:10.020
when I was in college,

285
00:14:10.020 --> 00:14:12.500
they were the really the first ones in my entire life.

286
00:14:12.500 --> 00:14:14.660
And this was 18, I was 18 years old

287
00:14:14.660 --> 00:14:17.860
to tell me that love is not a feeling, love is a choice.

288
00:14:18.500 --> 00:14:19.620
And I was like, I don't know what you're talking about.

289
00:14:19.620 --> 00:14:20.740
Love is of course a feeling,

290
00:14:20.740 --> 00:14:23.220
because of course I was feeling all the feels

291
00:14:23.220 --> 00:14:25.380
with being in love at the time.

292
00:14:25.380 --> 00:14:28.860
And eros, philia, and sojourn love

293
00:14:28.860 --> 00:14:31.980
is definitely very feelings-based,

294
00:14:31.980 --> 00:14:33.780
but agape love, the kind of love

295
00:14:33.780 --> 00:14:36.140
that God wants us to have for one another

296
00:14:36.140 --> 00:14:38.140
is not based on feelings.

297
00:14:38.140 --> 00:14:41.260
So except for the two that should not be on the list,

298
00:14:41.260 --> 00:14:44.200
I want you guys to kind of open up and share

299
00:14:44.200 --> 00:14:47.060
if any one of these are standing out for you

300
00:14:47.100 --> 00:14:49.780
that you're like, gosh, I really get stuck here.

301
00:14:49.780 --> 00:14:53.140
So I can't see all of the hands.

302
00:14:53.140 --> 00:14:56.380
So I'm just gonna let you unmute yourself

303
00:14:56.380 --> 00:14:59.580
and join in and share with the audience.

304
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:03.600
perhaps somebody will just wait and come in after that.

305
00:15:03.600 --> 00:15:05.160
So who would like to share a little bit

306
00:15:05.160 --> 00:15:06.760
just based on this list?

307
00:15:06.760 --> 00:15:08.200
I'd like a couple of you to share.

308
00:15:08.200 --> 00:15:09.280
I'll start,

309
00:15:12.600 --> 00:15:14.480
saying yes,

310
00:15:14.480 --> 00:15:19.320
and then doing the critical comparison

311
00:15:19.320 --> 00:15:23.760
and doing things begrudgingly.

312
00:15:25.120 --> 00:15:29.760
I've actually worked on that all of quite a lot

313
00:15:29.760 --> 00:15:33.320
last year and am in a really good place

314
00:15:33.320 --> 00:15:34.560
with that right now.

315
00:15:34.560 --> 00:15:36.720
So that really resonated with me,

316
00:15:36.720 --> 00:15:39.820
but I'm happy to say I'm doing a lot better.

317
00:15:40.880 --> 00:15:41.800
That's so good.

318
00:15:41.800 --> 00:15:42.760
Thank you for sharing that.

319
00:15:42.760 --> 00:15:44.760
I mean, I would say I'm definitely doing a lot better,

320
00:15:44.760 --> 00:15:46.680
but you definitely have ones that you're like,

321
00:15:46.680 --> 00:15:48.960
you kind of lean on and go back to.

322
00:15:48.960 --> 00:15:49.800
Justin, how about you?

323
00:15:49.800 --> 00:15:50.840
You're in my camera screen,

324
00:15:50.840 --> 00:15:52.840
so it's hard for me to not call on you.

325
00:15:54.400 --> 00:15:57.800
So I have one that really stood out to me

326
00:15:57.840 --> 00:16:00.360
was performance-based acceptance.

327
00:16:02.440 --> 00:16:04.160
That might be the overview,

328
00:16:04.160 --> 00:16:07.120
but I came in a couple minutes late,

329
00:16:07.120 --> 00:16:08.760
so I missed a little bit.

330
00:16:08.760 --> 00:16:10.560
But what really stood out to me

331
00:16:10.560 --> 00:16:15.480
is the need to be perfect at everything you do.

332
00:16:17.840 --> 00:16:21.200
We have a tendency to do that in the ministry

333
00:16:21.200 --> 00:16:26.200
where if we say even no to something that we wanna do,

334
00:16:26.480 --> 00:16:28.760
but we can't fit it into our schedule,

335
00:16:28.760 --> 00:16:31.080
it's just, we beat ourselves up over it.

336
00:16:31.080 --> 00:16:33.520
And I had that today where I had an opportunity

337
00:16:33.520 --> 00:16:36.240
to really learn something

338
00:16:36.240 --> 00:16:38.760
that would have really impacted my life,

339
00:16:39.720 --> 00:16:42.840
even though I have another chance later to learn it.

340
00:16:42.840 --> 00:16:47.280
But I beat myself up over it for a couple hours

341
00:16:47.280 --> 00:16:49.920
because I was like, I'm working those hours.

342
00:16:49.920 --> 00:16:52.780
So it wasn't even within my control.

343
00:16:53.060 --> 00:16:53.900
Yeah.

344
00:16:53.900 --> 00:16:56.540
So I still beat myself up over it

345
00:16:56.540 --> 00:16:59.500
because I want to do to,

346
00:16:59.500 --> 00:17:00.420
I know I'm not perfect,

347
00:17:00.420 --> 00:17:03.300
but I want to be perfect at everything I do.

348
00:17:03.300 --> 00:17:07.140
And it's kind of, yeah.

349
00:17:07.140 --> 00:17:08.339
Yeah.

350
00:17:08.339 --> 00:17:09.180
Perfect.

351
00:17:09.180 --> 00:17:10.660
And here's the hard part too,

352
00:17:10.660 --> 00:17:11.940
Charles, thank you for sharing that.

353
00:17:11.940 --> 00:17:16.339
Cause I think that we're so critical about ourselves

354
00:17:16.339 --> 00:17:18.700
and we think we're more critical about ourselves

355
00:17:18.700 --> 00:17:20.220
than other people,

356
00:17:20.220 --> 00:17:22.420
but here's what I've really had to learn.

357
00:17:23.099 --> 00:17:25.380
And really kind of make some amends.

358
00:17:25.380 --> 00:17:27.819
When I ran my nonprofit for 18 years,

359
00:17:27.819 --> 00:17:30.380
I thought I was only that critical on me.

360
00:17:30.380 --> 00:17:33.860
And I really wasn't verbally that critical

361
00:17:33.860 --> 00:17:34.820
to everybody else,

362
00:17:34.820 --> 00:17:38.260
but they saw how much I beat myself up.

363
00:17:38.260 --> 00:17:42.300
And so they didn't need for me to compare them to that.

364
00:17:42.300 --> 00:17:45.580
They just knew if my standard was that high for myself,

365
00:17:45.580 --> 00:17:48.500
they just assumed the standard was that high for them.

366
00:17:48.500 --> 00:17:50.940
So even though I thought I was protecting them

367
00:17:50.940 --> 00:17:53.860
from judgment, they felt it.

368
00:17:53.860 --> 00:17:55.020
They said they felt it.

369
00:17:55.020 --> 00:17:55.860
Like not all of them,

370
00:17:55.860 --> 00:17:56.940
but some of them felt,

371
00:17:56.940 --> 00:17:59.420
people that were like me, performance-based,

372
00:17:59.420 --> 00:18:01.260
like the healthy people figured it out.

373
00:18:01.260 --> 00:18:02.700
They knew what was going on

374
00:18:02.700 --> 00:18:04.500
and their identity was in Christ

375
00:18:04.500 --> 00:18:05.740
and they didn't care what I said.

376
00:18:05.740 --> 00:18:07.380
Like they totally could handle it.

377
00:18:07.380 --> 00:18:10.860
But the people pleasers, they could feel my energy.

378
00:18:10.860 --> 00:18:11.700
And they were like,

379
00:18:11.700 --> 00:18:13.540
ooh, she's not saying she's judging me,

380
00:18:13.540 --> 00:18:15.380
but if she's judging herself that harshly,

381
00:18:15.380 --> 00:18:17.420
she's probably judging me that harshly.

382
00:18:17.420 --> 00:18:20.340
And I never knew that it was impacting them.

383
00:18:20.780 --> 00:18:23.140
And so we think it's just impacting us.

384
00:18:23.140 --> 00:18:24.860
And that's where it starts to inhibit

385
00:18:24.860 --> 00:18:26.340
that relationship growth.

386
00:18:26.340 --> 00:18:30.100
Because even though we don't think it's happening,

387
00:18:30.100 --> 00:18:31.500
if you're up against somebody

388
00:18:31.500 --> 00:18:33.620
who is also a people pleaser like you,

389
00:18:33.620 --> 00:18:36.140
and just as equally critical,

390
00:18:36.140 --> 00:18:38.420
they will subconsciously do the same thing,

391
00:18:38.420 --> 00:18:40.140
even if we're not intending to.

392
00:18:42.020 --> 00:18:43.580
That was good.

393
00:18:43.580 --> 00:18:45.860
Yeah, very eye-opening, very open.

394
00:18:45.860 --> 00:18:46.820
That was good, that was good.

395
00:18:46.820 --> 00:18:51.220
Anybody else wanna pick one of these and lean into it?

396
00:18:56.740 --> 00:18:58.020
Sure, I can do one.

397
00:18:58.020 --> 00:18:58.860
Okay.

398
00:19:00.420 --> 00:19:04.020
It's probably a combination of like self-critical

399
00:19:04.020 --> 00:19:07.300
and condemnation over mistakes.

400
00:19:07.300 --> 00:19:09.180
Something that can happen,

401
00:19:09.180 --> 00:19:11.140
and I'm actually going in counseling over this,

402
00:19:11.140 --> 00:19:15.140
like right now, as it's been around for years.

403
00:19:15.140 --> 00:19:18.300
If I'm like playing, I'm a competitive chess player.

404
00:19:18.300 --> 00:19:21.780
If I'm playing chess and I have a really good position

405
00:19:21.780 --> 00:19:23.060
and I make an error,

406
00:19:24.140 --> 00:19:26.460
we'll have tons of self-hatred

407
00:19:28.180 --> 00:19:30.660
to the point where

408
00:19:33.020 --> 00:19:36.420
I don't even wanna play something I enjoy.

409
00:19:36.420 --> 00:19:41.420
It's as an act of self-protection,

410
00:19:41.700 --> 00:19:44.060
because I feel so horrible.

411
00:19:44.060 --> 00:19:45.660
I'm so angry at me.

412
00:19:46.620 --> 00:19:48.540
The feeling is insurmountable.

413
00:19:49.940 --> 00:19:53.580
The only thing that has helped me in this area so far

414
00:19:54.620 --> 00:19:57.660
was congratulating my opponent.

415
00:19:59.020 --> 00:19:59.860
Wow.

416
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:05.000
Not just a good game, but actually congratulating them,

417
00:20:05.000 --> 00:20:07.600
like, oh, you did well in this.

418
00:20:07.600 --> 00:20:08.980
You did this.

419
00:20:08.980 --> 00:20:10.160
You fought pretty well.

420
00:20:10.160 --> 00:20:11.760
You defended pretty well.

421
00:20:11.760 --> 00:20:14.960
A good thing you saw that, or something like that.

422
00:20:16.240 --> 00:20:18.980
I'm working on doing the same thing for me,

423
00:20:20.080 --> 00:20:24.080
which is probably where I have most growth in this area,

424
00:20:24.080 --> 00:20:25.440
but not fully.

425
00:20:25.440 --> 00:20:27.040
Yeah.

426
00:20:27.080 --> 00:20:31.960
But it really comes down to the kind of self-hatred

427
00:20:31.960 --> 00:20:34.560
that I had in my past childhood,

428
00:20:34.560 --> 00:20:36.400
and I didn't do X, Y, and Z.

429
00:20:36.400 --> 00:20:38.380
And because I didn't do that, this happened.

430
00:20:38.380 --> 00:20:40.960
And if I didn't make that mistake,

431
00:20:40.960 --> 00:20:43.640
none of the events would have happened.

432
00:20:43.640 --> 00:20:45.000
That's good.

433
00:20:45.000 --> 00:20:46.560
That's so good.

434
00:20:46.560 --> 00:20:49.400
It's interesting that you almost avoided

435
00:20:49.400 --> 00:20:52.540
the thing you love to do, just to not do it badly.

436
00:20:53.480 --> 00:20:54.320
So good.

437
00:20:54.320 --> 00:20:56.240
What a good aha moment, you guys.

438
00:20:56.240 --> 00:20:57.080
So good.

439
00:20:57.080 --> 00:20:58.120
All right, I'm gonna keep going,

440
00:20:58.120 --> 00:20:59.200
because we've got lots of good stuff.

441
00:20:59.200 --> 00:21:03.040
And in each page, I want people to share,

442
00:21:03.040 --> 00:21:06.320
because that's how we, all of us sharing with one another.

443
00:21:06.320 --> 00:21:08.000
We're kind of having on our own

444
00:21:08.000 --> 00:21:09.840
private 12-step meeting tonight.

445
00:21:09.840 --> 00:21:10.680
Okay.

446
00:21:13.280 --> 00:21:15.840
I'll go ahead and share.

447
00:21:15.840 --> 00:21:17.200
Do you want me to go back?

448
00:21:18.480 --> 00:21:22.560
Do you want me to go back to the other page we just left?

449
00:21:22.560 --> 00:21:24.480
Oh, no, no.

450
00:21:24.480 --> 00:21:29.480
I was just gonna comment on the condemning yourself,

451
00:21:31.720 --> 00:21:33.540
making mistakes.

452
00:21:33.540 --> 00:21:38.540
I find that I still give myself a really hard time,

453
00:21:38.920 --> 00:21:42.800
but I think being in this program since I've been,

454
00:21:43.840 --> 00:21:48.840
I've learned the importance of loving yourself,

455
00:21:49.680 --> 00:21:54.560
because you keep, think about that verse that says,

456
00:21:54.560 --> 00:21:57.560
you love your neighbor as yourself.

457
00:21:57.560 --> 00:21:58.400
Yeah.

458
00:21:58.400 --> 00:22:03.400
And so I have to keep reminding myself of that.

459
00:22:05.520 --> 00:22:08.240
And I'm actually asking you to go one step further

460
00:22:08.240 --> 00:22:09.080
than that, Karen.

461
00:22:09.080 --> 00:22:13.920
I'm asking you to say, love yourself because God loves you.

462
00:22:13.920 --> 00:22:17.120
Like loving myself isn't strong enough.

463
00:22:17.120 --> 00:22:18.600
I have to tell you.

464
00:22:19.360 --> 00:22:22.360
I will not succeed if all I do is love myself,

465
00:22:22.360 --> 00:22:24.680
because I don't, I don't love myself enough.

466
00:22:24.680 --> 00:22:27.560
But if I focus on who God says I am,

467
00:22:27.560 --> 00:22:30.800
and I focus on the fact that God loves me,

468
00:22:30.800 --> 00:22:33.000
it doesn't matter that I love me.

469
00:22:33.000 --> 00:22:35.800
If I don't believe that God loves me,

470
00:22:35.800 --> 00:22:37.280
then I can't love me.

471
00:22:37.280 --> 00:22:39.840
So I have to go further back.

472
00:22:39.840 --> 00:22:41.040
And so that's what we're trying to do.

473
00:22:41.040 --> 00:22:43.240
So, but I'm so glad you brought that up

474
00:22:43.240 --> 00:22:46.200
because I think that really taps into

475
00:22:46.200 --> 00:22:47.640
where some people get stuck.

476
00:22:47.680 --> 00:22:48.520
So I love that.

477
00:22:48.520 --> 00:22:50.280
And we're going to put a pin in what you just said

478
00:22:50.280 --> 00:22:52.160
and come back to that as we move along.

479
00:22:52.160 --> 00:22:53.080
Okay.

480
00:22:53.080 --> 00:22:55.360
Grace-based acceptance.

481
00:22:55.360 --> 00:22:58.240
You guys, I don't know what, oh, it's process-based.

482
00:22:58.240 --> 00:23:00.920
Clearly this is what happens when I type too fast,

483
00:23:00.920 --> 00:23:01.960
because I don't even know what I meant

484
00:23:01.960 --> 00:23:03.400
by the first bullet point.

485
00:23:03.400 --> 00:23:04.640
I typed it from a sheet

486
00:23:04.640 --> 00:23:05.960
because I didn't like how it was written.

487
00:23:05.960 --> 00:23:07.480
So I was trying to type up the best stuff.

488
00:23:07.480 --> 00:23:08.320
Okay.

489
00:23:08.320 --> 00:23:09.720
I'm going to skip that one and go,

490
00:23:09.720 --> 00:23:12.360
grace-based acceptance is both and.

491
00:23:12.360 --> 00:23:13.920
So we see the both and.

492
00:23:13.920 --> 00:23:17.200
It's not either or, it's both and.

493
00:23:17.680 --> 00:23:21.480
Grace-based acceptance is forgiveness driven.

494
00:23:21.480 --> 00:23:23.360
It is compassionate.

495
00:23:23.360 --> 00:23:25.720
It precedes forgiveness.

496
00:23:25.720 --> 00:23:30.320
So grace is how you get forgiveness.

497
00:23:30.320 --> 00:23:33.040
You don't have forgiveness without grace.

498
00:23:33.040 --> 00:23:35.640
Grace fuels relationship growth.

499
00:23:35.640 --> 00:23:39.600
It actually creates intimacy into me-see.

500
00:23:39.600 --> 00:23:42.320
Grace allows you to,

501
00:23:42.320 --> 00:23:46.920
all about responsibility for myself, not others.

502
00:23:46.920 --> 00:23:49.680
So when you are codependent,

503
00:23:49.680 --> 00:23:52.200
you feel responsible to everybody.

504
00:23:52.200 --> 00:23:53.960
You know, you feel responsible.

505
00:23:53.960 --> 00:23:56.120
The only person you're responsible for,

506
00:23:56.120 --> 00:23:59.040
especially as an adult, is yourself.

507
00:23:59.040 --> 00:24:03.400
Grace-based acceptance accepts what is.

508
00:24:03.400 --> 00:24:07.440
Grace-based acceptance is a commitment to positive change.

509
00:24:07.440 --> 00:24:09.680
It means I'm not going to stay where I am.

510
00:24:09.680 --> 00:24:12.600
You know, Justin was talking about doing some work on that.

511
00:24:12.600 --> 00:24:13.680
And, you know, somebody else said

512
00:24:13.680 --> 00:24:15.120
they've been doing work on it.

513
00:24:15.120 --> 00:24:17.080
It means that I'm going to keep moving forward.

514
00:24:17.080 --> 00:24:19.160
I'm not going to say, well, this is just the way I am.

515
00:24:19.160 --> 00:24:21.160
I'm a people pleaser and I can't say no,

516
00:24:21.160 --> 00:24:22.400
and I'm not going to change.

517
00:24:22.400 --> 00:24:24.520
It's like, no crap, I'm going to change.

518
00:24:25.640 --> 00:24:28.880
Our identity, the person is able to separate

519
00:24:28.880 --> 00:24:33.360
their identity in Christ from their performance.

520
00:24:33.360 --> 00:24:35.320
The person in Christ is, that's right,

521
00:24:35.320 --> 00:24:36.680
it drives their self-esteem.

522
00:24:36.680 --> 00:24:38.440
See, it's funny that I have this in here,

523
00:24:38.440 --> 00:24:40.120
but I had it in the other place too.

524
00:24:40.120 --> 00:24:42.440
Focus is on joy, non-circumstantial,

525
00:24:42.440 --> 00:24:44.160
already mentioned that earlier.

526
00:24:44.160 --> 00:24:45.920
Love is choice-driven.

527
00:24:45.920 --> 00:24:48.680
So it's agape love, it's not feeling,

528
00:24:49.600 --> 00:24:53.240
which is really why Jackie always talks about the fact

529
00:24:53.240 --> 00:24:56.000
that for a soulmate experience,

530
00:24:56.000 --> 00:24:58.800
she's always saying, if you don't feel connected,

531
00:24:58.800 --> 00:25:00.400
if you don't feel attracted.

532
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:02.120
to them in the first or second date.

533
00:25:02.120 --> 00:25:04.200
She really wants you to give them a second chance.

534
00:25:04.200 --> 00:25:07.960
That's right here because how we treat people

535
00:25:07.960 --> 00:25:12.800
is a choice at the front end as our feelings start to grow.

536
00:25:12.800 --> 00:25:15.440
The outcome of a grace-based acceptance

537
00:25:15.440 --> 00:25:17.040
is that we have an abundant life.

538
00:25:17.040 --> 00:25:19.920
John 10, 10 says, I came to give you life

539
00:25:19.920 --> 00:25:22.420
so that you would have it more abundantly.

540
00:25:22.420 --> 00:25:26.680
So we cannot have an abundant life without grace.

541
00:25:26.680 --> 00:25:30.000
Grace obviously promotes a relationship with God.

542
00:25:30.000 --> 00:25:33.400
And I think that's why I like to focus on God

543
00:25:33.400 --> 00:25:35.200
more than just loving myself

544
00:25:35.200 --> 00:25:38.400
because we know scripture says that,

545
00:25:38.400 --> 00:25:40.960
but it can go down that new age, hippy-dippy,

546
00:25:40.960 --> 00:25:44.840
like it's very self-oriented.

547
00:25:44.840 --> 00:25:46.800
I've got to fulfill my own needs.

548
00:25:46.800 --> 00:25:48.640
I've got to love myself.

549
00:25:48.640 --> 00:25:50.760
Yes, but we can't do that without God.

550
00:25:50.760 --> 00:25:53.680
So we always have to remember that God is our anchor.

551
00:25:53.680 --> 00:25:55.920
A grace-based acceptance

552
00:25:55.920 --> 00:25:59.200
has the ability to live within ambiguity.

553
00:25:59.200 --> 00:26:01.000
They can sit in the gray.

554
00:26:01.000 --> 00:26:04.960
And it's interesting because I will say this,

555
00:26:04.960 --> 00:26:08.000
some of you may or may not hate or love the Enneagram,

556
00:26:08.000 --> 00:26:09.640
but I'm a type two on the Enneagram,

557
00:26:09.640 --> 00:26:11.720
which surprises a lot of people,

558
00:26:11.720 --> 00:26:15.200
but type two people who are typically codependents

559
00:26:15.200 --> 00:26:16.720
and people pleasers,

560
00:26:16.720 --> 00:26:19.440
we have no problem sitting in the gray.

561
00:26:19.440 --> 00:26:22.000
Type ones and type eights have a harder time.

562
00:26:22.000 --> 00:26:23.280
They are very black and white.

563
00:26:24.280 --> 00:26:25.560
They make the lawyers,

564
00:26:25.560 --> 00:26:28.080
they just see the world as very linear.

565
00:26:29.160 --> 00:26:30.880
So I want somebody to,

566
00:26:30.880 --> 00:26:33.920
I want a few folks to kind of speak up about,

567
00:26:33.920 --> 00:26:37.240
gosh, I either want more of this,

568
00:26:37.240 --> 00:26:40.360
or you know what, when I am operating in the healthy,

569
00:26:40.360 --> 00:26:42.240
this is how I do it.

570
00:26:42.240 --> 00:26:44.960
Like, yes, I am more compassionate.

571
00:26:44.960 --> 00:26:46.800
I am able to accept what it is.

572
00:26:46.800 --> 00:26:47.960
I don't feel responsible.

573
00:26:47.960 --> 00:26:49.560
So when you are operating,

574
00:26:49.560 --> 00:26:52.520
because I'm sure some of you are in your healthy moments,

575
00:26:52.560 --> 00:26:54.520
but when you are operating in grace-based acceptance,

576
00:26:54.520 --> 00:26:56.320
what's really popping out for you?

577
00:27:00.840 --> 00:27:02.080
I'm gonna open the floor.

578
00:27:04.160 --> 00:27:05.960
I can share a testimony.

579
00:27:05.960 --> 00:27:07.440
Yeah.

580
00:27:07.440 --> 00:27:10.160
Yeah, so I grew up in a really religious household,

581
00:27:10.160 --> 00:27:12.880
and when I actually met God,

582
00:27:12.880 --> 00:27:16.000
like the person as described in scripture

583
00:27:16.000 --> 00:27:18.200
and understood grace,

584
00:27:18.200 --> 00:27:22.920
that destroyed all the relationships that I had,

585
00:27:22.920 --> 00:27:25.040
because they were all based on

586
00:27:25.040 --> 00:27:27.840
me being responsible for everybody.

587
00:27:27.840 --> 00:27:32.600
And when I let that go

588
00:27:32.600 --> 00:27:34.360
and just said, that's God's job,

589
00:27:34.360 --> 00:27:39.360
I get grace for myself and they can have their own grace,

590
00:27:39.520 --> 00:27:41.680
that shifted my whole life

591
00:27:41.680 --> 00:27:46.400
and like started a whole new life for me.

592
00:27:46.400 --> 00:27:51.400
And that was really, really huge to understand for me

593
00:27:53.560 --> 00:27:57.320
as the person that was responsible

594
00:27:57.320 --> 00:27:58.840
for holding the whole family together

595
00:27:58.840 --> 00:28:01.240
and always putting a happy face on everything

596
00:28:01.240 --> 00:28:02.760
and taking care of everybody's needs

597
00:28:02.760 --> 00:28:04.920
and all that performance.

598
00:28:04.920 --> 00:28:05.880
Yeah.

599
00:28:05.880 --> 00:28:06.720
I love it.

600
00:28:06.720 --> 00:28:07.560
That's so good.

601
00:28:07.560 --> 00:28:08.880
Sarah, I saw you raise your hand.

602
00:28:08.880 --> 00:28:10.640
I'm so glad because I want you to share

603
00:28:10.640 --> 00:28:13.560
because I know this is really resonating with you too.

604
00:28:13.560 --> 00:28:14.840
So go for it, sister.

605
00:28:15.840 --> 00:28:17.520
Yes, thank you.

606
00:28:17.520 --> 00:28:21.520
So I should start by saying that I thought I was path two

607
00:28:21.520 --> 00:28:22.800
and I logged onto the call.

608
00:28:22.800 --> 00:28:24.600
I was on for about five or 10 minutes

609
00:28:24.600 --> 00:28:27.760
and they were talking about how to present yourself

610
00:28:27.760 --> 00:28:28.760
image wise and stuff.

611
00:28:28.760 --> 00:28:29.920
And I was like, wait a minute.

612
00:28:29.920 --> 00:28:32.320
And I had like a Holy Spirit prompting

613
00:28:32.320 --> 00:28:35.040
and I'm on path one right now.

614
00:28:35.040 --> 00:28:40.040
So I left a very hustle like corporate culture

615
00:28:41.040 --> 00:28:45.840
in the past couple of years, completely burnout,

616
00:28:45.840 --> 00:28:49.560
very performance driven, high pressured sales,

617
00:28:49.560 --> 00:28:51.960
very public facing role.

618
00:28:51.960 --> 00:28:56.040
And so when I see the performance based,

619
00:28:56.040 --> 00:28:57.680
that was my identity.

620
00:28:57.680 --> 00:29:00.320
And I was raised by a dad that had been in the army

621
00:29:00.320 --> 00:29:03.280
and was like a corporate executive and grew up overseas

622
00:29:03.280 --> 00:29:06.080
and everything was driven.

623
00:29:06.080 --> 00:29:10.880
And so I've been wondering why God called me away

624
00:29:10.880 --> 00:29:13.720
from my job a couple of years ago.

625
00:29:13.720 --> 00:29:18.720
And I'm telling you, as you started, as this call started,

626
00:29:19.200 --> 00:29:21.880
it hit me like a ton of bricks that,

627
00:29:21.880 --> 00:29:25.640
because he wants me to find,

628
00:29:26.480 --> 00:29:29.160
like to have a grace based acceptance.

629
00:29:29.160 --> 00:29:32.520
And he has been working on that the past couple of years,

630
00:29:32.520 --> 00:29:36.600
but there was literally no way it could have happened

631
00:29:36.600 --> 00:29:38.920
without me stepping away from that

632
00:29:38.920 --> 00:29:41.720
because I was completely immersed in it.

633
00:29:41.720 --> 00:29:46.720
And even in a lot of the religious circles that I was in,

634
00:29:48.200 --> 00:29:51.320
notice I said religious, it was very like,

635
00:29:51.320 --> 00:29:52.920
look at me, look what I can do.

636
00:29:52.920 --> 00:29:54.400
And I'm leading this group

637
00:29:54.400 --> 00:29:56.040
and I'm doing this, that and the other.

638
00:29:56.040 --> 00:29:59.160
And just stepping back from that has been,

639
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:01.360
I don't know, it's been amazing.

640
00:30:01.360 --> 00:30:03.760
So I am growing in a grace-based acceptance,

641
00:30:03.760 --> 00:30:06.740
but it certainly was not my,

642
00:30:08.520 --> 00:30:10.480
it does not come naturally to me.

643
00:30:10.480 --> 00:30:13.080
I am hard on others, I'm hard on myself.

644
00:30:14.360 --> 00:30:19.360
And so I'm grateful that I'm growing in these areas,

645
00:30:21.020 --> 00:30:24.920
but if you have been completely on one side,

646
00:30:24.920 --> 00:30:29.920
it's taking a supernatural work to get me to the other side,

647
00:30:33.200 --> 00:30:37.040
but I do see changes over the past two and a half years,

648
00:30:37.040 --> 00:30:39.260
and I'm really grateful.

649
00:30:40.860 --> 00:30:42.120
That's so good, Sarah.

650
00:30:42.120 --> 00:30:45.600
And I will say this, the part,

651
00:30:45.600 --> 00:30:48.200
because you and I have been out of our positions

652
00:30:48.200 --> 00:30:50.320
for about the same amount of time,

653
00:30:50.320 --> 00:30:54.200
and I think what was kind of a trigger for me

654
00:30:54.200 --> 00:30:55.560
coming out of the new year,

655
00:30:55.560 --> 00:30:57.200
I was at my home for two years

656
00:30:57.200 --> 00:30:59.320
and I came home to Nashville,

657
00:30:59.320 --> 00:31:02.200
and I kind of had this moment of,

658
00:31:02.200 --> 00:31:03.560
what am I coming home to?

659
00:31:03.560 --> 00:31:05.100
I've got nothing here.

660
00:31:05.100 --> 00:31:07.440
I'm not the president of the company anymore.

661
00:31:07.440 --> 00:31:09.200
I don't speak at all these churches.

662
00:31:09.200 --> 00:31:11.120
I don't get TV interviews anymore.

663
00:31:11.120 --> 00:31:13.180
I'm not getting asked to do this.

664
00:31:13.180 --> 00:31:15.240
I'm just working for Jackie.

665
00:31:15.240 --> 00:31:19.120
It's her show, and I'm just one of the posse,

666
00:31:19.120 --> 00:31:22.720
helping her out while I'm going back to school

667
00:31:22.720 --> 00:31:26.280
for seminary, and I'm like, I'm nobody, I'm nothing,

668
00:31:26.280 --> 00:31:29.760
and that's kind of the spirit that I was going into,

669
00:31:29.760 --> 00:31:32.240
and so it wasn't even,

670
00:31:32.240 --> 00:31:34.760
so I kind of worked past the performance,

671
00:31:34.760 --> 00:31:36.920
like, okay, I don't wanna be that person,

672
00:31:36.920 --> 00:31:39.080
but I didn't realize until today

673
00:31:39.080 --> 00:31:43.440
when I was talking to my pastor about it,

674
00:31:43.440 --> 00:31:48.360
he was like, you're still God's child.

675
00:31:48.360 --> 00:31:50.840
You're still God's amazing girl.

676
00:31:50.840 --> 00:31:53.520
The fact that you get to do this with this ministry

677
00:31:53.520 --> 00:31:54.920
while you're going back to school,

678
00:31:54.920 --> 00:31:57.480
like, your identity is still who you are.

679
00:31:57.480 --> 00:31:59.080
It's not what your title was.

680
00:31:59.080 --> 00:32:01.080
It's not the prestige that you had,

681
00:32:01.080 --> 00:32:03.680
so yes, you're not performing anymore,

682
00:32:03.680 --> 00:32:05.880
but you're shaming yourself for not performing,

683
00:32:05.880 --> 00:32:09.560
because I realized I had this other layer

684
00:32:09.560 --> 00:32:12.320
of grace-based acceptance that God's working on,

685
00:32:12.320 --> 00:32:14.320
which is, yeah, you're gonna learn

686
00:32:14.320 --> 00:32:16.080
while you're doing your schooling

687
00:32:16.080 --> 00:32:18.440
that I may not give you fancy titles.

688
00:32:18.560 --> 00:32:21.560
I may not have you make the most amount of money,

689
00:32:21.560 --> 00:32:24.400
because you need to get this in your head, Renee,

690
00:32:24.400 --> 00:32:28.320
because if I'm gonna have you go into a marriage,

691
00:32:28.320 --> 00:32:31.040
and if you take that performance-based acceptance

692
00:32:31.040 --> 00:32:33.200
into a marriage, you're gonna be too hard on yourself

693
00:32:33.200 --> 00:32:34.320
and too hard on your spouse,

694
00:32:34.320 --> 00:32:36.080
so it just made me realize, like,

695
00:32:36.080 --> 00:32:39.280
oh, I still have more to do here, more to do.

696
00:32:39.280 --> 00:32:42.280
Anyways, any of this resonating with anybody else

697
00:32:42.280 --> 00:32:44.480
that has not gotten a chance to share yet,

698
00:32:44.480 --> 00:32:46.560
whether it's the performance list or this one,

699
00:32:46.560 --> 00:32:48.480
is anyone like, oh, God, this is me,

700
00:32:48.480 --> 00:32:52.760
I'm getting there, I'm not there at all, I'm almost there?

701
00:32:52.760 --> 00:32:57.760
I actually have, I guess, a testimony I can say.

702
00:32:58.040 --> 00:33:01.160
My last position that I lost in 2020

703
00:33:01.160 --> 00:33:03.960
was very performance-driven,

704
00:33:03.960 --> 00:33:08.960
and as you know, it was taken away from me by a friend,

705
00:33:09.720 --> 00:33:12.240
but during the time that I lost my job,

706
00:33:12.240 --> 00:33:17.240
I felt like I just wanted to be a manager

707
00:33:18.360 --> 00:33:22.200
just because I can prove to her that I did it,

708
00:33:22.200 --> 00:33:26.080
and it kind of was like a revenge, you know?

709
00:33:26.080 --> 00:33:30.200
Like, you did this to me, and I'm gonna get the top job

710
00:33:31.880 --> 00:33:34.480
so that I can prove to you,

711
00:33:34.480 --> 00:33:37.000
and that's my revenge to you for what you did,

712
00:33:37.000 --> 00:33:40.600
and honestly, the job that I'm doing now,

713
00:33:40.600 --> 00:33:42.720
I had applied to that position,

714
00:33:42.720 --> 00:33:45.440
but what I'm realizing now

715
00:33:45.440 --> 00:33:48.000
is that God took me away from that,

716
00:33:48.000 --> 00:33:51.960
and in the time that I was not working,

717
00:33:51.960 --> 00:33:54.200
he was breaking me down.

718
00:33:54.200 --> 00:33:58.960
He was not giving me the job that he knew I deserved

719
00:33:58.960 --> 00:34:03.520
because I was too bitter, and I was too wanting revenge,

720
00:34:03.520 --> 00:34:07.960
and so he broke me down to the point of humility

721
00:34:08.000 --> 00:34:10.480
where I had to surrender and say,

722
00:34:10.480 --> 00:34:13.800
God, it's your will, not mine,

723
00:34:13.800 --> 00:34:16.520
and so now that I've done all the forgiveness

724
00:34:16.520 --> 00:34:20.440
and everything, I'm put in the position now

725
00:34:20.440 --> 00:34:24.239
that I really wanted, and I don't even feel proud

726
00:34:24.239 --> 00:34:28.159
in terms of I don't feel cocky or anything.

727
00:34:28.159 --> 00:34:31.960
I haven't even, like, broadcast it to a lot of people

728
00:34:31.960 --> 00:34:36.719
because I'm operating in a different mindset,

729
00:34:36.719 --> 00:34:40.320
not in a mindset of I want to prove to you,

730
00:34:40.320 --> 00:34:43.040
but more in a mindset of I'm grateful

731
00:34:43.040 --> 00:34:46.080
for where God has put me now,

732
00:34:46.080 --> 00:34:48.719
and so even at my company,

733
00:34:48.719 --> 00:34:51.760
everyone is so compassionate and humble,

734
00:34:51.760 --> 00:34:56.239
and if I had had that performance-driven mindset

735
00:34:56.239 --> 00:35:00.160
that I had before, I wouldn't have been very.

736
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:07.160
I'm fruitful at this new company. So, I mean, that's a testimony for me, and I feel like

737
00:35:07.160 --> 00:35:15.760
I can feel happy of where I am, not in terms of I wanted to prove someone else wrong, but

738
00:35:15.760 --> 00:35:22.280
I'm just grateful to God for where I am. And it's just, it's a happy, it's a happy feeling.

739
00:35:22.280 --> 00:35:25.280
I don't know if I'm explaining it correctly.

740
00:35:25.280 --> 00:35:28.560
No, you're doing great. That's awesome. That's so good.

741
00:35:28.560 --> 00:35:35.280
The feeling of humility instead of being proud, it's just, it's a total difference. I'm just

742
00:35:35.280 --> 00:35:36.280
grateful.

743
00:35:36.280 --> 00:35:40.760
I love that so much. I love that so much. It's funny that you use that as an example.

744
00:35:40.760 --> 00:35:46.040
So I go to a Bible study, a life group, typically on Tuesday nights, although I feel like I've

745
00:35:46.040 --> 00:35:51.480
not been able to go a lot lately teaching here, but it's at Mike and Kate Battistelli.

746
00:35:51.480 --> 00:35:58.160
And if you may know the name, it's Francesca Battistelli's parents, who's a Christian artist.

747
00:35:58.160 --> 00:36:04.640
And Kate actually used to be on Broadway. She actually was with Yul Brynner in The King

748
00:36:04.640 --> 00:36:09.560
and I, like she was on Broadway, like doing great things. And she had this like vision

749
00:36:09.560 --> 00:36:18.600
for her career. And it really kind of, God made her lay it down. And, and now Frannie,

750
00:36:18.600 --> 00:36:24.200
her daughter gets to do this ministry and almost live out. And so Kate has always said,

751
00:36:24.200 --> 00:36:31.400
I think I would have not, if I stayed in theater and had became more and more famous, I would

752
00:36:31.400 --> 00:36:34.960
have done it for all of the wrong reasons. Kind of like what you were just saying, Rachelle,

753
00:36:34.960 --> 00:36:39.040
I would have done it to get the glory, to get the attention. And God just had to, you

754
00:36:39.040 --> 00:36:44.960
know, he humbled me and stripped it from me, but he blessed my daughter with it because,

755
00:36:44.960 --> 00:36:48.600
you know, she's used it for the kingdom and really don't care. She lives on a farm and

756
00:36:48.600 --> 00:36:52.440
don't care about any of the adulations. So thank you. That was a great comparison. And

757
00:36:52.440 --> 00:36:58.440
Justin, I love what you said in the chat, how there's only four followers of Christ

758
00:36:58.440 --> 00:37:03.280
of the 12 disciples that wrote a book of the Bible. And so we always look at Marthew, Mark,

759
00:37:03.280 --> 00:37:08.160
Luke, and John, and we forget about the other eight. So what a great, what a great model

760
00:37:08.160 --> 00:37:13.040
that sometimes, or, you know, the last will become first and the first will become last.

761
00:37:13.120 --> 00:37:15.440
All right. I'm going to let Tammy go and then I'm going to keep going.

762
00:37:18.480 --> 00:37:22.880
Okay. Well, I'm on the performance phase, definitely.

763
00:37:26.720 --> 00:37:28.000
Did you want to say more about that?

764
00:37:28.880 --> 00:37:31.040
Oh, I can't see it on screen right now.

765
00:37:31.040 --> 00:37:33.680
All right. Let me back it up for you. There you go.

766
00:37:34.480 --> 00:37:41.920
Okay. Yeah. Like every one of these, every one of these, I've always had a strong sense

767
00:37:41.920 --> 00:37:46.560
of justice. Like when something wasn't fair, I get really upset about it, whether it's

768
00:37:47.200 --> 00:37:52.240
to me or someone else is not fair. It makes me really mad. That's just part of my temperament

769
00:37:52.240 --> 00:37:57.200
anyway, to see God's justice and things, but you try to do it in your flesh, you know,

770
00:37:57.200 --> 00:38:03.200
you get angry and everything, and that's not good. But yeah, critical comparison. Yeah.

771
00:38:03.600 --> 00:38:10.480
Um, um, what else? I can't read that one. All about rights. Yeah.

772
00:38:13.360 --> 00:38:17.280
Yeah. Good, bad judgment. Judgment has an extra E in the middle of there. It's not supposed to have.

773
00:38:18.400 --> 00:38:21.360
Oh, you can't be doing. Oh, it does. Look at that. See, that's what happens.

774
00:38:22.800 --> 00:38:27.440
I promise I will spell check it before I, and I will double check everything before I send it off

775
00:38:27.440 --> 00:38:35.040
to you. Um, relationship with God when lose all or nothing. Yeah.

776
00:38:37.840 --> 00:38:44.480
Like this is our society. Like, you know, it's in depending on what area you live in. Like I

777
00:38:44.480 --> 00:38:52.400
live in a very wealthy area and like, it is so competitive. It's so cray cray. And so, yeah,

778
00:38:52.400 --> 00:38:56.160
good stuff. All right. We're going to keep going. Cause I've got a few more good slides to share

779
00:38:56.160 --> 00:39:02.160
with y'all. Okay. So, and we're going to like, I'm going to the last slide, believe it or not,

780
00:39:02.160 --> 00:39:06.800
it's helping you when to say yes. And when to say no, I'm just kind of leading up to it

781
00:39:06.800 --> 00:39:13.360
because believe it or not, it all starts from our identity in Christ. We can't stop being a

782
00:39:13.360 --> 00:39:19.360
people pleaser. If we don't get away from performance space and move into grace space

783
00:39:19.360 --> 00:39:26.320
now to move in grace based acceptance, here's what we're going to have to let go of.

784
00:39:27.040 --> 00:39:32.240
And this is the author's unknown for this. So the other two pages, um, I gave credit to my pastor

785
00:39:32.240 --> 00:39:37.120
who wrote the list and this, the author is unknown for this. So, and I'm going to let some folks

786
00:39:37.120 --> 00:39:42.800
share what's like, which is like, Oh, see, look, there's another typo. Um, to let go does not mean

787
00:39:42.880 --> 00:39:50.160
to stop caring. It means I cannot do it for somebody else to let go is not to enable, but

788
00:39:50.160 --> 00:39:55.040
to allow learning from natural consequences. There's a parent on here that needs to hear that

789
00:39:55.040 --> 00:39:59.920
one to let go is to emit powerlessness, which means the outcome is.

790
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:03.840
It's not in my hands, but it's in God's hands.

791
00:40:03.840 --> 00:40:07.680
To let go is to not try to change or blame another person,

792
00:40:07.680 --> 00:40:10.920
but it's to make the most of myself.

793
00:40:10.920 --> 00:40:15.920
To let go is to not care for, but to care about.

794
00:40:15.920 --> 00:40:20.320
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

795
00:40:20.320 --> 00:40:22.560
To let go is not to judge,

796
00:40:22.560 --> 00:40:26.580
but to allow another to be a human being.

797
00:40:26.580 --> 00:40:28.680
To let go is not to be in the middle

798
00:40:28.680 --> 00:40:30.860
arranging all the outcomes,

799
00:40:30.860 --> 00:40:33.740
but to allow others to affect destiny.

800
00:40:33.740 --> 00:40:35.740
Oh, that's me.

801
00:40:35.740 --> 00:40:38.300
To let go is not to be protective,

802
00:40:38.300 --> 00:40:41.700
it's to permit another to face reality.

803
00:40:41.700 --> 00:40:44.500
To let go is not to regret the past,

804
00:40:44.500 --> 00:40:46.820
but to grow and live in the present

805
00:40:46.820 --> 00:40:48.940
and plan for the future.

806
00:40:48.940 --> 00:40:53.820
To let go is to fear less and love more.

807
00:40:53.820 --> 00:40:55.460
I'm gonna let as many of you,

808
00:40:55.460 --> 00:40:58.540
because I feel like this is such a strong statement piece

809
00:40:59.400 --> 00:41:00.460
before we do the last slide.

810
00:41:00.460 --> 00:41:03.240
I really want as many of you as possible

811
00:41:03.240 --> 00:41:05.120
to pick one of these that you're like,

812
00:41:05.120 --> 00:41:08.660
I need to make that my mantra.

813
00:41:08.660 --> 00:41:11.000
Like the one that really jumped out for me

814
00:41:11.000 --> 00:41:13.880
was to let go and not be in the middle

815
00:41:13.880 --> 00:41:15.560
arranging all the outcomes,

816
00:41:15.560 --> 00:41:19.000
but allow others to affect their own destiny.

817
00:41:19.000 --> 00:41:21.800
So feel free to come off the mic and share.

818
00:41:29.540 --> 00:41:34.360
To let go is not to enable,

819
00:41:34.360 --> 00:41:37.880
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

820
00:41:48.140 --> 00:41:50.600
To let go is not to regret the past,

821
00:41:50.600 --> 00:41:52.200
but to grow and live in the present

822
00:41:52.200 --> 00:41:53.520
and plan for the future.

823
00:41:59.540 --> 00:42:04.540
To let go is to admit powerlessness,

824
00:42:05.000 --> 00:42:08.760
which means that outcome is not in my hands, but God's.

825
00:42:11.640 --> 00:42:14.980
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

826
00:42:16.880 --> 00:42:21.640
To let go is to not care, but to care about,

827
00:42:21.640 --> 00:42:25.100
I'm sorry, to not care for, but to care about.

828
00:42:26.100 --> 00:42:29.600
To let go is to fear less and love more.

829
00:42:38.200 --> 00:42:40.640
To let go is not to regret the past,

830
00:42:40.640 --> 00:42:42.720
but to grow and live in the present

831
00:42:42.720 --> 00:42:44.200
and plan for the future.

832
00:42:48.080 --> 00:42:51.120
To let go is to not fix, but to be supportive.

833
00:42:56.080 --> 00:42:59.760
To let go is to admit powerlessness,

834
00:42:59.760 --> 00:43:04.280
which means the outcome is not in my hands, but God's.

835
00:43:16.320 --> 00:43:17.440
I'm letting everybody go

836
00:43:17.440 --> 00:43:18.440
because I think there's something

837
00:43:18.440 --> 00:43:20.600
really powerful happening here.

838
00:43:20.600 --> 00:43:22.600
So I really want everyone to pick one.

839
00:43:25.240 --> 00:43:28.000
To let go does not mean to stop caring.

840
00:43:28.000 --> 00:43:30.300
It means I cannot do it for someone else.

841
00:43:31.920 --> 00:43:34.280
To let go is to admit powerlessness,

842
00:43:34.280 --> 00:43:37.640
which means the outcome is not in my hands, but God's.

843
00:43:43.280 --> 00:43:46.640
To let go is not to regret the past,

844
00:43:46.640 --> 00:43:48.880
but to grow and live in the present

845
00:43:48.880 --> 00:43:50.540
and plan for the future.

846
00:43:52.440 --> 00:43:54.960
To let go is not to regret the past,

847
00:43:55.820 --> 00:43:57.540
but to grow and live in the present

848
00:43:57.540 --> 00:43:59.100
and plan for the future.

849
00:44:01.220 --> 00:44:06.220
To let go is to fear less and love more.

850
00:44:10.140 --> 00:44:12.060
To let go is not to judge,

851
00:44:12.060 --> 00:44:14.580
but to allow another to be a human being.

852
00:44:16.900 --> 00:44:18.980
To let go is to admit powerlessness,

853
00:44:18.980 --> 00:44:22.560
which means the outcome is not in my hands, but in God's.

854
00:44:23.500 --> 00:44:26.500
To let go is to not regret the past,

855
00:44:26.500 --> 00:44:27.820
but to grow and live in the present

856
00:44:27.820 --> 00:44:29.060
and plan for the future.

857
00:44:30.260 --> 00:44:33.420
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

858
00:44:35.700 --> 00:44:39.000
To let go is to fear less and love more.

859
00:44:43.580 --> 00:44:46.300
To let go is to not be in the middle,

860
00:44:46.300 --> 00:44:48.740
arranging all the outcomes,

861
00:44:48.740 --> 00:44:51.780
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

862
00:44:52.560 --> 00:44:58.060
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live.

863
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:04.000
the past, but to grow and live in the present and plan for the future.

864
00:45:09.200 --> 00:45:14.640
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live in the present and plan for the future.

865
00:45:22.480 --> 00:45:27.280
To let go is to not be protective. It's to permit another to face reality.

866
00:45:30.080 --> 00:45:33.200
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

867
00:45:38.640 --> 00:45:43.680
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live in the present and plan for the future.

868
00:45:52.320 --> 00:45:57.040
To let go is not to be in the middle, arranging all the outcomes,

869
00:45:57.040 --> 00:46:00.000
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

870
00:46:08.240 --> 00:46:14.000
To let go is to admit powerless, which means the outcome is not in my hands, but God's.

871
00:46:14.000 --> 00:46:31.840
So good, you guys. So good. I'm just so proud of you guys for doing that. Proud of me for doing

872
00:46:31.840 --> 00:46:37.840
that. I think this is such a God moment. Did you need to go? Somebody else needs to go?

873
00:46:38.720 --> 00:46:42.080
I see you've unmuted, so I want to make sure you get a chance to go.

874
00:46:46.000 --> 00:46:48.480
Sheffield, you are unmuted. Did you need to be unmuted?

875
00:46:50.720 --> 00:46:52.480
Oh, sorry.

876
00:46:55.520 --> 00:46:56.800
Sorry about that.

877
00:46:57.360 --> 00:46:58.880
Do you want to go or did you already go?

878
00:47:00.880 --> 00:47:02.560
You mean reading one? Yes.

879
00:47:02.560 --> 00:47:03.600
Yeah, go ahead.

880
00:47:04.160 --> 00:47:08.000
I read to let go is to not care for, but to care about.

881
00:47:08.560 --> 00:47:14.000
Great. Okay. Awesome. All right. You guys, I just, I think that's so powerful. I'm just so glad

882
00:47:14.000 --> 00:47:18.880
because like I've done so many boundary teachings for everybody and I just finished the circle

883
00:47:18.880 --> 00:47:24.560
series and I just didn't want to spend an hour telling you to say no, to say no. I just love

884
00:47:24.560 --> 00:47:31.600
that God planted this content and I personally am struggling with it this week. And I'm just

885
00:47:31.600 --> 00:47:36.400
struggling with it this week. And so I think that that was just a special gift for all of us.

886
00:47:36.400 --> 00:47:42.400
Okay. We're going to go to the next slide, which is really, it took me 48 minutes to get you guys

887
00:47:42.400 --> 00:47:49.760
here. So this is where we're going to finish up. Boundaries. Here are five ways to say yes or no.

888
00:47:49.760 --> 00:47:58.000
Okay. So, and actually there's two more slides. You have five options when you're going to say

889
00:47:58.000 --> 00:48:03.040
yes or no to something. And there are two of them that are the healthy answers. You ask me,

890
00:48:03.920 --> 00:48:12.880
it feels good for me. And I say, yes, that's a good yes. You ask me, it doesn't feel good for me.

891
00:48:13.520 --> 00:48:21.760
I say yes, but I resent it. You may not know that I resent it. Three, you ask me,

892
00:48:22.480 --> 00:48:28.560
it does not feel good for me. So I say no, and I feel okay about it. So you guys,

893
00:48:29.200 --> 00:48:36.000
number one and number three, that's what we're aiming for. Four, you ask me, it doesn't feel

894
00:48:36.000 --> 00:48:43.360
good for me. I say no, and I feel guilty. Old stick, tape, start playing. And the other person

895
00:48:43.360 --> 00:48:49.680
may not know that you feel guilty. If you sit in your codependency and you've not been taught

896
00:48:49.680 --> 00:48:54.560
healthy boundaries, you're going to sit in the camp of two and four, that should say two and

897
00:48:54.560 --> 00:48:59.920
four. So one and three are the ones that we want to go for. We want to be able to say yes,

898
00:49:00.880 --> 00:49:06.720
when it feels good for you. And we feel good about that decision. If it doesn't feel good,

899
00:49:07.680 --> 00:49:17.840
we need to learn how to say no and feel okay to say no. Here is number five. So here's the five,

900
00:49:17.840 --> 00:49:23.520
and this is where we get to live in the gray. So remember how five is, I mean, this personality

901
00:49:23.520 --> 00:49:28.800
with grace means we get to live in the gray, meaning the answer is not always one or the other,

902
00:49:28.800 --> 00:49:37.520
yes, no, right, wrong. There's room to explore another option. You ask me, it doesn't feel good

903
00:49:37.520 --> 00:49:44.800
for me, but out of love and concern for you, I say yes and don't resent it. The key with this one is

904
00:49:44.800 --> 00:49:52.080
this must be temporary. If not, you go back to number two and you start to resent it, or you go

905
00:49:52.080 --> 00:49:58.720
to number three, sorry, number four. And so I did that twice. I will fix that before I send it out

906
00:49:58.720 --> 00:49:59.760
to you guys.

907
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:03.460
So here's a good example of number five.

908
00:50:04.680 --> 00:50:09.060
I have to learn to have really good boundaries with,

909
00:50:09.060 --> 00:50:13.100
I'm gonna actually mute you, darling.

910
00:50:13.100 --> 00:50:13.940
Okay.

911
00:50:15.300 --> 00:50:17.900
Okay, so I have really tough,

912
00:50:17.900 --> 00:50:20.180
I have really strict boundaries with my sisters.

913
00:50:20.180 --> 00:50:22.060
I can tend to be a pushover with her.

914
00:50:22.060 --> 00:50:24.060
Like I come off like a really strong person

915
00:50:24.060 --> 00:50:26.940
and that may shock you, but in my family system,

916
00:50:26.940 --> 00:50:28.540
I'm actually the people pleaser,

917
00:50:28.540 --> 00:50:30.900
codependent in the middle of wanting everybody to be happy,

918
00:50:30.900 --> 00:50:32.220
that whole middle person.

919
00:50:32.220 --> 00:50:35.780
And so I can be a pushover, especially with my sister.

920
00:50:35.780 --> 00:50:38.060
But when, and so I have to learn

921
00:50:38.060 --> 00:50:39.480
to stand up to myself with her

922
00:50:39.480 --> 00:50:43.060
and learn to say yes and no appropriately.

923
00:50:43.060 --> 00:50:45.140
Sometimes when I'm on vacation with her

924
00:50:45.140 --> 00:50:47.060
or with family for four days,

925
00:50:47.060 --> 00:50:49.960
and I know my trip is very short,

926
00:50:49.960 --> 00:50:52.560
I will sometimes say yes to her

927
00:50:52.560 --> 00:50:55.060
because it is a temporary yes.

928
00:50:55.060 --> 00:50:57.580
It actually will keep me safer.

929
00:50:57.580 --> 00:50:59.800
It keeps the family safer

930
00:50:59.800 --> 00:51:02.820
and it makes her actually easier to be around.

931
00:51:02.820 --> 00:51:05.540
So for a very short amount of time,

932
00:51:05.540 --> 00:51:08.180
I will let Michelle win every decision

933
00:51:08.180 --> 00:51:10.540
because it just keeps peace with the family.

934
00:51:10.540 --> 00:51:12.440
We all enjoy our time better.

935
00:51:12.440 --> 00:51:13.960
I feel safer.

936
00:51:13.960 --> 00:51:16.380
I can do that for a very short amount of time.

937
00:51:16.380 --> 00:51:20.420
So sometimes when you're with family or you're at work,

938
00:51:20.420 --> 00:51:24.180
you're gonna be willing to say a temporary yes

939
00:51:24.180 --> 00:51:26.620
because it's just the safer thing to do.

940
00:51:26.620 --> 00:51:28.500
What would make it unsafe

941
00:51:28.500 --> 00:51:31.980
is I begin to let that go on and on and on.

942
00:51:31.980 --> 00:51:34.460
Another good example that I like to use for this

943
00:51:34.460 --> 00:51:37.620
because the person that actually taught me this page

944
00:51:37.620 --> 00:51:38.860
out of the Murray Method,

945
00:51:40.140 --> 00:51:42.300
the therapist is Anne Marie Sears.

946
00:51:42.300 --> 00:51:45.220
As you guys know, I live in Nashville

947
00:51:45.220 --> 00:51:48.220
and I actually used to speak at the church

948
00:51:48.220 --> 00:51:50.180
that just had the shooting last year

949
00:51:50.180 --> 00:51:52.340
at Covenant Presbyterian Church.

950
00:51:52.340 --> 00:51:54.100
And it was a church very near and dear to me.

951
00:51:54.100 --> 00:51:55.380
I knew a lot of the teachers.

952
00:51:55.380 --> 00:51:57.860
I knew the people that died.

953
00:51:57.860 --> 00:52:00.060
And so one of the therapists, Anne Marie,

954
00:52:00.060 --> 00:52:02.660
she was called into Covenant

955
00:52:02.660 --> 00:52:05.240
because of the tragedy at the school.

956
00:52:05.240 --> 00:52:08.340
She was expected and asked, well, she was asked.

957
00:52:08.340 --> 00:52:12.100
She was asked to provide therapy

958
00:52:12.100 --> 00:52:15.060
way beyond her typical schedule and hours

959
00:52:15.060 --> 00:52:18.260
for the first few weeks.

960
00:52:18.260 --> 00:52:21.300
She was willing to give a temporary yes,

961
00:52:21.300 --> 00:52:24.980
which means it hindered her ability in her own practice.

962
00:52:25.540 --> 00:52:27.640
She had to say no to her family more,

963
00:52:27.640 --> 00:52:28.900
but she was willing to do it

964
00:52:28.900 --> 00:52:31.460
for a very finite amount of time

965
00:52:31.460 --> 00:52:33.860
because of the tragedy at the school.

966
00:52:33.860 --> 00:52:35.100
So that's an example.

967
00:52:35.100 --> 00:52:38.200
So you can say yes sometimes

968
00:52:38.200 --> 00:52:41.260
because you love somebody, not out of guilt.

969
00:52:41.260 --> 00:52:43.400
I would argue in a marriage,

970
00:52:43.400 --> 00:52:46.300
we're gonna have to learn how to do this a lot.

971
00:52:46.300 --> 00:52:49.020
Sometimes you will say yes to your spouse

972
00:52:49.020 --> 00:52:52.820
out of love and concern and not out of shame,

973
00:52:52.820 --> 00:52:55.940
guilt, condemnation, manipulation.

974
00:52:55.940 --> 00:52:59.200
The thing is it must be temporary.

975
00:53:00.100 --> 00:53:04.780
So how do you decide when it's a yes and when it's a no?

976
00:53:04.780 --> 00:53:06.900
So we're gonna take a look at this next page,

977
00:53:06.900 --> 00:53:09.740
and then I want some feedback and questions.

978
00:53:09.740 --> 00:53:12.980
So when I say yes, and when I say no,

979
00:53:12.980 --> 00:53:15.100
the first thing you have to ask yourself

980
00:53:15.100 --> 00:53:17.060
is do you even wanna do it?

981
00:53:17.060 --> 00:53:18.500
Do you even wanna do it?

982
00:53:18.500 --> 00:53:19.700
Like, believe it or not,

983
00:53:19.700 --> 00:53:22.500
that gets to be the first question you ask.

984
00:53:23.500 --> 00:53:25.220
Okay, I might wanna do it.

985
00:53:25.220 --> 00:53:27.100
Will I enjoy it?

986
00:53:27.100 --> 00:53:29.460
Do I have time for it?

987
00:53:29.460 --> 00:53:31.000
And do I have the resources for it?

988
00:53:31.000 --> 00:53:32.420
So you guys remember this.

989
00:53:32.420 --> 00:53:35.260
I talked about time and capacity management

990
00:53:35.260 --> 00:53:37.140
in one of the past sessions.

991
00:53:37.140 --> 00:53:40.660
Our time and our capacity is like a pie.

992
00:53:40.660 --> 00:53:43.700
We only have 24 hours in a day.

993
00:53:43.700 --> 00:53:46.680
If you are saying yes to this thing,

994
00:53:46.680 --> 00:53:49.500
it might mean that you're gonna have to say no

995
00:53:49.500 --> 00:53:51.020
to something else.

996
00:53:51.020 --> 00:53:54.140
And is that no gonna be something you care about

997
00:53:54.140 --> 00:53:57.180
and what are gonna be the consequences of that?

998
00:53:57.180 --> 00:54:00.140
Is it appropriate for me to even be doing this?

999
00:54:00.140 --> 00:54:02.280
This is a perfect question for those of us

1000
00:54:02.280 --> 00:54:04.460
on the other page of letting go

1001
00:54:04.460 --> 00:54:07.180
when we said that we swoop in to save the day

1002
00:54:07.180 --> 00:54:09.420
because we don't want the balls to drop.

1003
00:54:09.420 --> 00:54:11.940
We don't want bad things to happen to our children.

1004
00:54:11.940 --> 00:54:14.980
We don't want them to worry about the ramifications.

1005
00:54:14.980 --> 00:54:18.020
That one is a particularly important question to ask.

1006
00:54:18.020 --> 00:54:19.860
Is it appropriate for me to do?

1007
00:54:19.860 --> 00:54:23.420
Am I coming in to rescue and save and fix?

1008
00:54:23.420 --> 00:54:24.380
Is it the right?

1009
00:54:24.380 --> 00:54:25.380
Yes.

1010
00:54:25.380 --> 00:54:27.620
And what might I have to say no to in order to say yes?

1011
00:54:27.620 --> 00:54:30.020
Remember, you only have 24 hours in a day

1012
00:54:30.020 --> 00:54:33.420
and you have only so much energy to give.

1013
00:54:33.420 --> 00:54:36.700
And I believe that this, yes it is.

1014
00:54:36.700 --> 00:54:38.500
Okay, so we're gonna go back

1015
00:54:38.500 --> 00:54:41.860
and I wanna open the floor for questions and comments

1016
00:54:41.860 --> 00:54:44.380
either about this slide or the next slide

1017
00:54:44.380 --> 00:54:46.340
because I'm hoping with everything

1018
00:54:46.340 --> 00:54:48.660
that you just came through,

1019
00:54:48.660 --> 00:54:50.180
now you're looking at this going,

1020
00:54:50.180 --> 00:54:51.380
and honestly, you guys,

1021
00:54:51.380 --> 00:54:54.860
I actually have this printed up on my refrigerator,

1022
00:54:54.860 --> 00:54:56.420
this list right here,

1023
00:54:56.420 --> 00:54:58.860
because, and here's the other thing you need to do,

1024
00:54:58.860 --> 00:55:00.660
and I probably should have put this.

1025
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:03.040
And here, and I will add it to the PowerPoint on this page.

1026
00:55:04.080 --> 00:55:07.700
I sometimes, if I know I say yes too much,

1027
00:55:07.700 --> 00:55:10.480
my first answer when people ask me to do something,

1028
00:55:10.480 --> 00:55:15.320
I always say, I'm going to check my commitments

1029
00:55:15.320 --> 00:55:18.400
and get back to, is tomorrow good enough?

1030
00:55:18.400 --> 00:55:19.880
Is next week good enough?

1031
00:55:19.880 --> 00:55:21.800
I ask when they need an answer by.

1032
00:55:21.800 --> 00:55:24.760
So I don't immediately say yes.

1033
00:55:24.760 --> 00:55:28.440
Even if I wanna say yes, even if I'm dying to say yes.

1034
00:55:28.440 --> 00:55:30.760
If I have a habit of saying yes too fast,

1035
00:55:30.760 --> 00:55:34.680
I always say, let me check my other commitments.

1036
00:55:34.680 --> 00:55:36.200
I will get back to you.

1037
00:55:36.200 --> 00:55:38.320
When do you need to know by?

1038
00:55:38.320 --> 00:55:39.880
They say.

1039
00:55:39.880 --> 00:55:43.480
So I always give myself the time and the bandwidth

1040
00:55:43.480 --> 00:55:47.440
to ask these questions, these questions right here,

1041
00:55:47.440 --> 00:55:50.140
and ask these questions right here.

1042
00:55:50.140 --> 00:55:52.040
I need to play that out in my head.

1043
00:55:52.040 --> 00:55:54.560
Now, the more I practice this,

1044
00:55:54.560 --> 00:55:57.440
the less time I need to make a decision.

1045
00:55:57.480 --> 00:55:59.000
Obviously, the bigger the yes,

1046
00:55:59.000 --> 00:56:01.400
the more time you may need to decide,

1047
00:56:01.400 --> 00:56:03.600
especially if there are other people in your life

1048
00:56:03.600 --> 00:56:05.900
that you're gonna have to say no to.

1049
00:56:05.900 --> 00:56:09.780
So I will say this, the best way you can escape

1050
00:56:09.780 --> 00:56:13.120
giving a yes that you will feel crappy about later

1051
00:56:13.120 --> 00:56:15.860
is you don't say yes or no in the moment.

1052
00:56:15.860 --> 00:56:19.940
You say, I need to check my other commitments.

1053
00:56:19.940 --> 00:56:21.520
When do you need an answer by?

1054
00:56:21.520 --> 00:56:22.840
Now, here's the thing, you guys,

1055
00:56:22.880 --> 00:56:27.800
when you say no, no is a complete answer.

1056
00:56:27.800 --> 00:56:30.720
Remember, if you remember the boundaries class I taught,

1057
00:56:30.720 --> 00:56:32.940
the phrase I taught you is,

1058
00:56:32.940 --> 00:56:36.880
children explain, adults make statements.

1059
00:56:36.880 --> 00:56:39.500
Children explain, adults make statements.

1060
00:56:39.500 --> 00:56:42.080
So if you go back to that person and you say no,

1061
00:56:42.080 --> 00:56:44.800
you just say, thank you so much for asking me.

1062
00:56:44.800 --> 00:56:46.440
Thank you so much for considering for this.

1063
00:56:46.440 --> 00:56:49.680
Unfortunately, right now, my answer has to be no.

1064
00:56:49.680 --> 00:56:51.920
I really appreciate you asking.

1065
00:56:51.920 --> 00:56:52.840
Why?

1066
00:56:52.840 --> 00:56:54.680
You know what, my answer is no.

1067
00:56:55.760 --> 00:56:58.880
And you do not offer any explanations.

1068
00:56:58.880 --> 00:57:00.520
You don't need to make excuses.

1069
00:57:00.520 --> 00:57:03.160
You don't need to over analyze it

1070
00:57:03.160 --> 00:57:05.320
and you don't need to lie either, you guys.

1071
00:57:06.360 --> 00:57:08.920
I just don't lie, just don't lie.

1072
00:57:08.920 --> 00:57:13.920
Okay, so now I want to open the floor.

1073
00:57:16.760 --> 00:57:18.520
I have a question.

1074
00:57:18.520 --> 00:57:19.760
Yes.

1075
00:57:19.760 --> 00:57:23.880
So one of the things I run into for me is,

1076
00:57:23.880 --> 00:57:25.640
if there isn't even an option for this,

1077
00:57:25.640 --> 00:57:28.680
is I don't want to do it.

1078
00:57:28.680 --> 00:57:30.440
I'm going to be resentful.

1079
00:57:30.440 --> 00:57:32.120
And the only reason why I'm doing it

1080
00:57:32.120 --> 00:57:34.400
is because the Bible said for me to do it.

1081
00:57:36.760 --> 00:57:38.480
Can you give me a good example?

1082
00:57:40.480 --> 00:57:42.120
Interesting one, so I'd like to unpack

1083
00:57:42.120 --> 00:57:43.320
that a little bit more.

1084
00:57:46.240 --> 00:57:49.160
There are passages in the Bible to where it says

1085
00:57:49.560 --> 00:57:52.320
that if you don't honor your family,

1086
00:57:52.320 --> 00:57:53.280
if you don't take care of your family,

1087
00:57:53.280 --> 00:57:54.920
you're worse than a non-believer.

1088
00:57:56.000 --> 00:57:58.960
And I actually have difficulty with my mom.

1089
00:57:58.960 --> 00:57:59.800
I love my mom.

1090
00:57:59.800 --> 00:58:01.400
She's a great person.

1091
00:58:01.400 --> 00:58:03.560
Just every time I talk to her, for some reason,

1092
00:58:03.560 --> 00:58:07.840
all the energy from me gets sucked out within minutes.

1093
00:58:07.840 --> 00:58:09.320
And it's something I don't know how to fix

1094
00:58:09.320 --> 00:58:11.640
and I don't know how to change.

1095
00:58:11.640 --> 00:58:14.320
All right, I've got a perfect solution for you.

1096
00:58:14.320 --> 00:58:15.920
Perfect solution for you.

1097
00:58:15.960 --> 00:58:19.240
You get to love her from a distance.

1098
00:58:19.240 --> 00:58:24.240
So if you did not take Path 3 in the fall,

1099
00:58:25.280 --> 00:58:28.160
look for the first two sessions, the one on,

1100
00:58:28.160 --> 00:58:32.800
I think it was November 28th and December 11th.

1101
00:58:32.800 --> 00:58:35.880
I actually unpack where people in your life

1102
00:58:35.880 --> 00:58:38.080
should be in your circles.

1103
00:58:38.080 --> 00:58:40.920
And your mom needs to move out.

1104
00:58:40.920 --> 00:58:43.080
And it's not going to make any sense right now,

1105
00:58:43.080 --> 00:58:44.760
but you need to be able to love your mother

1106
00:58:44.800 --> 00:58:47.720
further out in your responsibility from her.

1107
00:58:47.720 --> 00:58:50.440
So you can't keep her in your inner circle.

1108
00:58:50.440 --> 00:58:52.960
So it actually is okay.

1109
00:58:52.960 --> 00:58:55.640
God does not say, for you to honor your mother

1110
00:58:55.640 --> 00:58:57.320
does not mean you need to say yes to her

1111
00:58:57.320 --> 00:58:58.560
every single time.

1112
00:58:58.560 --> 00:59:00.120
That is not scriptural.

1113
00:59:00.120 --> 00:59:02.240
You can love her healthy.

1114
00:59:02.240 --> 00:59:05.480
Like you're never supposed to say yes to her

1115
00:59:05.480 --> 00:59:07.400
at your own expense.

1116
00:59:07.400 --> 00:59:09.880
Like there is something about dying to self,

1117
00:59:09.880 --> 00:59:12.560
I mean, you know, for the kingdom,

1118
00:59:12.600 --> 00:59:16.720
but if it's an unhealthy and unsafe relationship,

1119
00:59:16.720 --> 00:59:19.520
you do not need to say yes all the time.

1120
00:59:19.520 --> 00:59:23.200
And believe it or not, you can actually say no.

1121
00:59:23.200 --> 00:59:24.560
And that can be a very loving thing.

1122
00:59:24.560 --> 00:59:26.680
Would you, Justin, would you say that God says no

1123
00:59:26.680 --> 00:59:28.480
to you sometimes?

1124
00:59:28.480 --> 00:59:31.240
Oh, a lot more than I care to say.

1125
00:59:31.240 --> 00:59:32.640
Okay, so he says no to you.

1126
00:59:32.640 --> 00:59:33.960
Do you think he loves you?

1127
00:59:35.080 --> 00:59:36.000
Yeah.

1128
00:59:36.000 --> 00:59:39.640
Okay, so he loves you even when he says no to you.

1129
00:59:40.640 --> 00:59:41.880
Yes.

1130
00:59:42.880 --> 00:59:47.560
So you can love your mom, even if it's a no.

1131
00:59:47.560 --> 00:59:50.080
Even if it's a, I can't come visit you.

1132
00:59:50.080 --> 00:59:52.560
Even if it's, I need to take a step back.

1133
00:59:52.560 --> 00:59:55.880
Even if it's mom, I can only visit you if we're in public.

1134
00:59:55.880 --> 01:00:00.880
There was a season where I only could love my dad in public.

1135
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:04.220
public with my friends around because then he was on his best behavior and he was so

1136
01:00:04.220 --> 01:00:13.240
fun to be around. I couldn't do alone visits for a while with him and that actually saved

1137
01:00:13.240 --> 01:00:18.560
our relationship and I'm so glad that before he passed away, I was actually in a much more

1138
01:00:18.560 --> 01:00:24.460
healed and hold place with him. But Justin, I still had boundaries with my dad. I visit

1139
01:00:24.460 --> 01:00:28.560
my dad would stay over at my sister's when he came to town because my sister was married

1140
01:00:28.560 --> 01:00:34.260
with a husband. It was not safe for me to let my dad stay at my place and that was a

1141
01:00:34.260 --> 01:00:40.900
boundary I put up because my place would make him being alone with me too much. And so I

1142
01:00:40.900 --> 01:00:45.440
found that I could honor him because it says, honor your father and your mother. I was able

1143
01:00:45.440 --> 01:00:51.640
to honor him better by putting boundaries up with how I behaved with him, where I behaved

1144
01:00:51.640 --> 01:00:56.940
with him and what I, in the, in the conversations I was willing to entertain and not entertain

1145
01:00:56.940 --> 01:01:03.200
with him. And so if you watch those two sessions, I kind of go into like putting people out

1146
01:01:03.200 --> 01:01:10.080
in their circles and it's this, it's just this form of how do you love people at different

1147
01:01:10.080 --> 01:01:16.220
places of safety and security for you. So I'm just going to, I'm going to invite you

1148
01:01:16.220 --> 01:01:22.960
to go watch those episodes that are in your guides, but also really just really lean into

1149
01:01:22.960 --> 01:01:30.600
how God may allow you to love her differently. All right. Thank you for the advice. You bet.

1150
01:01:30.600 --> 01:01:34.120
And it's just, I'm just tossing it out there for you to try and consider, but I know it's

1151
01:01:34.120 --> 01:01:40.680
not easy. Great. That was great. Anybody else, a question thought that was perfect. That's

1152
01:01:40.680 --> 01:01:47.540
exactly what I want this time. Rachel, I have a question. You said it's, you should say

1153
01:01:47.540 --> 01:01:55.780
no without giving an explanation. What if you have a friend who is very critical and

1154
01:01:55.780 --> 01:02:03.620
demands an explanation? Like why, what, how do you navigate that? What's the wording?

1155
01:02:03.620 --> 01:02:07.940
That's really great. And here's the thing, because here's the thing you can give a statement,

1156
01:02:07.940 --> 01:02:14.660
a statement is different than an explanation. So you can just say, your answer is, I would

1157
01:02:14.660 --> 01:02:21.020
love to say, yes, I just don't have the capacity right now. That's your answer. You're saying

1158
01:02:21.020 --> 01:02:28.140
no, and you're given a reason. The difference is she's pushing you to explain your reason.

1159
01:02:28.140 --> 01:02:33.020
And you just need to say, Betty, I'm just giving her a name. Betty, we're really good

1160
01:02:33.020 --> 01:02:37.860
friends. And if you honor the friendship, then you need to respect my no as much as

1161
01:02:37.860 --> 01:02:47.380
you respect my yeses. This conversation's over. If you respect my friendship, then you

1162
01:02:47.380 --> 01:02:55.100
have to know that I didn't say no easily. And so you just like, it's like, you know

1163
01:02:55.100 --> 01:03:01.140
what I'm saying? And, and next time, if you come back to this path in two weeks, we're

1164
01:03:01.140 --> 01:03:06.620
going to talk about confrontation and conflict resolution. So I think that we'll dig a little

1165
01:03:06.660 --> 01:03:12.060
deeper when someone tries to push your button there. So we'll hit that a little bit more.

1166
01:03:12.060 --> 01:03:12.660
Teresa.

1167
01:03:15.140 --> 01:03:15.820
Thank you.

1168
01:03:17.500 --> 01:03:24.260
On this page, could you go into a little more detail and explain what you mean by, it doesn't

1169
01:03:24.260 --> 01:03:30.540
feel good for me? Do you mean, emotionally, it makes me, it makes me upset, or I really

1170
01:03:30.540 --> 01:03:31.620
don't want to do it?

1171
01:03:31.900 --> 01:03:36.380
I mean, it could be any one of those, Teresa. It could be, you don't have the time, you

1172
01:03:36.380 --> 01:03:43.660
don't have the capacity, you don't have the money, you don't feel safe. It could be any

1173
01:03:43.660 --> 01:03:49.500
reason why you wouldn't want to do it in your gut. I would say, in your knower, in your

1174
01:03:49.500 --> 01:03:55.820
gut, you want to do it. That's when you say yes. In your gut, like sometimes if you ever

1175
01:03:55.820 --> 01:03:59.580
wanted to say no to something and you're not even sure you know why you want to say no,

1176
01:03:59.580 --> 01:04:05.420
like you just know it's no. Like it doesn't feel like, and I feel like that's the Holy

1177
01:04:05.420 --> 01:04:11.140
Spirit in us. Like the more we get in tune of the Holy Spirit, if the Holy Spirit asks

1178
01:04:11.140 --> 01:04:16.940
me to do something, even if it's uncomfortable, I say yes. So you guys, thank you for asking

1179
01:04:16.940 --> 01:04:22.380
that Teresa, because it feels good for me. Isn't like this woo woo selfish thing. It

1180
01:04:22.380 --> 01:04:27.580
feels good for me. Really lean into the Holy Spirit because sometimes the Holy Spirit will

1181
01:04:27.580 --> 01:04:33.780
prompt us to operate out of our discomfort, which is go pray for somebody, go speak up,

1182
01:04:33.780 --> 01:04:40.300
go serve, go help, go do the uncomfortable thing. And so I would say maybe how I might

1183
01:04:40.300 --> 01:04:47.820
rephrase this is if it feels good for me and the Holy Spirit confirms yes, then I say yes.

1184
01:04:47.820 --> 01:04:52.340
If it doesn't feel good for me and the Holy Spirit is stretching me, maybe I still say

1185
01:04:52.340 --> 01:04:57.260
yes, but if it doesn't feel good for me and the Holy Spirit is screaming red flag, red

1186
01:04:57.260 --> 01:04:59.980
flag, red flag, that's when it's the.

1187
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:01.440
No. Does that help?

1188
01:05:03.200 --> 01:05:04.040
That does. Thank you.

1189
01:05:04.480 --> 01:05:06.520
You bet. I'm glad you asked, though, because that's good.

1190
01:05:06.520 --> 01:05:12.120
And what I might even do is before I hand you guys the printout, I'll put that in the parentheses.

1191
01:05:12.120 --> 01:05:15.040
So it's kind of there for somebody who gets us in the playback.

1192
01:05:15.040 --> 01:05:15.520
Charles.

1193
01:05:19.360 --> 01:05:27.920
OK, so I don't know if mine is kissed in this session or the next one you said you're going to have, but five years, it's more like insight.

1194
01:05:27.920 --> 01:05:33.680
I mean. So five years ago, my sister was living with me.

1195
01:05:35.600 --> 01:05:42.840
I. Yeah, long story, but she begged me to house her dog.

1196
01:05:43.280 --> 01:05:50.400
OK, so after she asked me for two weeks straight and me continually saying no.

1197
01:05:50.920 --> 01:06:01.640
And I'm sorry to leave out that, but I eventually reluctantly agreed just to get her to stop asking me because it was just so annoying to me at the time.

1198
01:06:02.080 --> 01:06:06.720
And she ended up fixing things with her husband and stuff.

1199
01:06:06.720 --> 01:06:10.240
And she moved out and her dog stayed at my house.

1200
01:06:12.840 --> 01:06:15.240
Yeah, he's still here.

1201
01:06:15.680 --> 01:06:16.640
He is still here.

1202
01:06:17.480 --> 01:06:18.320
What do I do?

1203
01:06:21.760 --> 01:06:23.360
How long has it been, Charles?

1204
01:06:24.480 --> 01:06:25.840
Oh, about five years.

1205
01:06:27.800 --> 01:06:28.280
My dog.

1206
01:06:29.120 --> 01:06:29.920
He's your dog.

1207
01:06:30.920 --> 01:06:31.560
Now I'm attached.

1208
01:06:33.360 --> 01:06:34.520
I love it.

1209
01:06:34.800 --> 01:06:38.520
OK, so that's a perfect example of it's not number five.

1210
01:06:38.520 --> 01:06:41.880
Right, because you ask me and it doesn't feel good for me.

1211
01:06:41.880 --> 01:06:46.120
But out of love and concern, I say, yes, you didn't do it out of love and concern.

1212
01:06:46.120 --> 01:06:47.880
You did it out of guilt and resentment.

1213
01:06:47.880 --> 01:06:50.040
You were definitely sitting in the number two spot.

1214
01:06:51.280 --> 01:06:52.800
Family will do that, y'all.

1215
01:06:52.800 --> 01:06:55.720
Family will manipulate the crap out of us.

1216
01:06:55.720 --> 01:07:00.120
And golly, I hate when family does that.

1217
01:07:00.120 --> 01:07:02.760
And family will do it better than nobody else.

1218
01:07:03.000 --> 01:07:07.080
Anybody that's known you long enough, they know what your triggers are.

1219
01:07:07.840 --> 01:07:14.800
I will say this, if you're ever in a healthy place and you're worried that your sister might ever manipulate you like that again,

1220
01:07:15.200 --> 01:07:19.160
it wouldn't be a bad thing whenever you're like in a good space with her to say,

1221
01:07:19.160 --> 01:07:21.680
hey, would you be open to a conversation with me?

1222
01:07:21.680 --> 01:07:24.320
Would you be open to a conversation with me?

1223
01:07:24.640 --> 01:07:26.000
There's just something that happened.

1224
01:07:26.000 --> 01:07:27.760
And I really never unpacked it with you.

1225
01:07:27.760 --> 01:07:29.640
And I'd love to talk about it with you.

1226
01:07:30.040 --> 01:07:38.480
And you can just say, you know, when you asked me about the dog, just say, you know, I realize I felt like you were really trying to manipulate and guilt me into saying yes.

1227
01:07:38.480 --> 01:07:41.400
And obviously it's my dog now and it's worked out.

1228
01:07:41.680 --> 01:07:49.480
But I'm going to really ask if you ever ask me a favor again and I say no, I really need you to start respecting my no.

1229
01:07:50.440 --> 01:07:53.520
Do you think you could do that the next time that would happen?

1230
01:07:53.840 --> 01:08:00.440
I need to know that you will respect my boundaries and that when I say no, I've made a thoughtful decision.

1231
01:08:00.520 --> 01:08:01.480
Like, do you know what I'm saying?

1232
01:08:01.480 --> 01:08:04.080
Like, it might be good for you to here's where it might be good.

1233
01:08:04.080 --> 01:08:09.280
It might be good for you to practice that on somebody like your sister, because she might get pissed at you for a little bit.

1234
01:08:09.320 --> 01:08:18.279
But she's your sister because sooner or later, somewhere in your life again, and it may be in the woman that you marry, she might try to do that to you.

1235
01:08:18.279 --> 01:08:26.680
And if you don't exercise that muscle of saying no and sitting with the tension of them being disappointed in you, it might be hard for you to do.

1236
01:08:26.680 --> 01:08:28.720
And then you're going to start to resent your wife.

1237
01:08:29.080 --> 01:08:32.560
And that's the thing, you guys, saying no comes with a cost.

1238
01:08:33.279 --> 01:08:35.920
Saying no means that we're going to disappoint them.

1239
01:08:36.319 --> 01:08:37.560
We might piss them off.

1240
01:08:37.840 --> 01:08:39.040
We might upset them.

1241
01:08:39.040 --> 01:08:40.000
We might hurt them.

1242
01:08:40.000 --> 01:08:49.160
Remember the letting go thing was the letting go, meaning I think one of the letting go ones was that they have to face the consequences, right?

1243
01:08:49.319 --> 01:08:51.800
We have to let people face their own consequences.

1244
01:08:51.800 --> 01:08:55.800
So sometimes we say yes, because we're afraid of the consequences.

1245
01:08:55.800 --> 01:08:58.800
So there are consequences to saying yes and no.

1246
01:08:59.120 --> 01:09:03.160
The difference is if we say yes and we resent it, the consequence hits us.

1247
01:09:03.680 --> 01:09:08.080
If we say no and feel guilty, it still hits us.

1248
01:09:08.319 --> 01:09:11.720
But if we say no healthy, the consequence may fall on them.

1249
01:09:11.720 --> 01:09:12.960
And that's OK.

1250
01:09:13.160 --> 01:09:14.560
Sometimes it needs to.

1251
01:09:15.640 --> 01:09:16.840
Sometimes it needs to.

1252
01:09:17.040 --> 01:09:21.680
Sometimes it means you need to hurt someone's feelings to not cause harm later.

1253
01:09:22.760 --> 01:09:25.640
And that's a phrase I use in the boundaries class all the time.

1254
01:09:25.640 --> 01:09:30.160
Sometimes you have to hurt someone's feelings to not cause harm later.

1255
01:09:31.200 --> 01:09:33.960
Which is why we don't ghost people, right?

1256
01:09:34.240 --> 01:09:40.760
If we have a few dates with somebody, we do the hard thing and we say, I'm sorry, you were amazing.

1257
01:09:41.000 --> 01:09:43.080
I just don't want to pursue this any further.

1258
01:09:43.200 --> 01:09:45.080
Do you hurt their feelings in the moment?

1259
01:09:45.240 --> 01:09:45.920
Yes.

1260
01:09:46.279 --> 01:09:50.040
Do you think that you cause more harm if you just ghost them or string them along?

1261
01:09:50.160 --> 01:09:51.120
Absolutely.

1262
01:09:51.560 --> 01:09:55.760
So that's why we kind of try to do that stuff early and we try to practice that often.

1263
01:09:55.880 --> 01:09:57.320
Guys, these are great examples.

1264
01:09:57.320 --> 01:09:58.280
Thank you so much.

1265
01:09:58.560 --> 01:10:00.080
Like, I feel like you guys are covering.

1266
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:02.820
I think so many good things here.

1267
01:10:05.740 --> 01:10:06.780
My gosh, that was so funny.

1268
01:10:06.780 --> 01:10:07.620
Okay.

1269
01:10:09.340 --> 01:10:10.220
All right.

1270
01:10:10.220 --> 01:10:12.100
I'm gonna take the screen off

1271
01:10:12.100 --> 01:10:14.260
just cause I wanna see your gorgeous faces.

1272
01:10:15.420 --> 01:10:17.080
I'm really, really so proud of you guys

1273
01:10:17.080 --> 01:10:18.060
for showing up tonight.

1274
01:10:18.060 --> 01:10:20.020
I was just curious at how many were gonna show up.

1275
01:10:20.020 --> 01:10:22.820
I'm like, everyone's gonna go to the dating one.

1276
01:10:22.820 --> 01:10:24.460
I'm actually glad Jackie,

1277
01:10:24.460 --> 01:10:26.420
I think Jackie's doing the dating one tonight

1278
01:10:26.420 --> 01:10:28.180
cause I don't know if I had anything new

1279
01:10:28.180 --> 01:10:31.920
and good to say about putting your best face forward.

1280
01:10:31.920 --> 01:10:34.160
And she's like, oh, you're our boundaries girl

1281
01:10:34.160 --> 01:10:36.000
and you're the people pleaser of the crowd.

1282
01:10:36.000 --> 01:10:37.000
I'm gonna make you do that.

1283
01:10:37.000 --> 01:10:39.560
And I'm like, so true.

1284
01:10:39.560 --> 01:10:42.340
So clearly I needed to teach it tonight

1285
01:10:42.340 --> 01:10:45.280
cause I needed to read my own mail tonight.

1286
01:10:45.280 --> 01:10:46.700
So I'm so glad.

1287
01:10:47.800 --> 01:10:49.200
Any other questions or thoughts

1288
01:10:49.200 --> 01:10:51.520
before I have us close out in prayer?

1289
01:10:51.520 --> 01:10:54.120
I don't like to force us to keep going if we don't need to.

1290
01:10:54.120 --> 01:10:56.120
I feel like this is a good session.

1291
01:10:56.140 --> 01:10:59.620
I promise I will fix all my typos and my booboos

1292
01:10:59.620 --> 01:11:02.300
and then I will turn it into a PDF

1293
01:11:02.300 --> 01:11:04.980
and tomorrow Cheryl will upload it.

1294
01:11:04.980 --> 01:11:07.780
And it'll be when she uploads the replay,

1295
01:11:07.780 --> 01:11:11.600
it'll be somewhere right next to it.

1296
01:11:13.820 --> 01:11:15.220
Paul, are you still on?

1297
01:11:15.220 --> 01:11:16.500
Are you still on Paul?

1298
01:11:17.620 --> 01:11:20.660
Paul, would you be willing to close us out in prayer?

1299
01:11:20.660 --> 01:11:22.180
Sure, absolutely.

1300
01:11:22.180 --> 01:11:23.340
Thanks.

1301
01:11:23.360 --> 01:11:27.440
All right, Father, we just thank you for this time together

1302
01:11:27.440 --> 01:11:28.560
hearing these words.

1303
01:11:28.560 --> 01:11:30.760
I pray that you would, by your spirit,

1304
01:11:30.760 --> 01:11:33.880
help us to process that and learn

1305
01:11:33.880 --> 01:11:36.120
and receive from you what we need

1306
01:11:36.120 --> 01:11:41.120
and then just give ourselves what you have for us

1307
01:11:42.760 --> 01:11:47.120
in terms of that self care and healthier boundaries.

1308
01:11:47.120 --> 01:11:48.920
We ask for wisdom.

1309
01:11:48.920 --> 01:11:49.880
Thank you for Renee.

1310
01:11:49.880 --> 01:11:52.720
We bless her and her sharing her heart

1311
01:11:53.060 --> 01:11:54.940
and her experiences and stories.

1312
01:11:54.940 --> 01:11:58.220
And thank you for what you're doing in our lives.

1313
01:11:58.220 --> 01:11:59.780
In Jesus' name we pray, amen.

1314
01:12:00.860 --> 01:12:01.700
Amen.