All right, let me pray for us.
Father, thank you so much for this night.
Thank you for every one of these ladies
that are currently in exclusive dating relationships.
Lord, I just pray that,
and even gentlemen that might be hearing this in the replay
or catching us live tonight,
I pray that you would just help us to hear
what your spirit is saying to us,
that you would bring revelation and truth
through all the teaching, through your word.
God, show us things in our hearts
that might need more healing,
but also help us to celebrate our wins
and the ways that we communicate, conflict resolution,
everything that impacts the way we engage
with other people in relationship, not just romantic,
but every relationship we have in our lives.
Lord, help us to always have hearts that are teachable,
that are soft, and pliable to you.
And we just ask you to remove any stony,
hardened places in our hearts,
and also just bring healing in the depths of our soul,
where even some of us might have grown up
in homes where we didn't see good communication modeled,
we didn't see good conflict resolution.
So Lord, I pray that you would impart
just understanding and revelation and insight
into us tonight from heaven.
Like, what does it look like to you
for us to communicate with one another,
with other people, to engage in community in a healthy way?
And we just thank you for the knowledge that comes from you.
And we just ask for healing and redemption
in every area of our hearts, minds, spirits, bodies,
and souls, in Jesus' name, amen.
All right, so glad you guys are here.
Again, for those that are joining, if you're able,
I would love you guys to turn on your videos
so I can see you.
Part of that, again, is just showing up
and coming out of hiding.
Obviously, I know life is busy.
I literally was still curling my hair five minutes ago,
so y'all, I get it.
We go from one thing to another, don't we?
All right, so tonight I wanna talk a little bit
about how communication is truly the bedrock
to things going well or things maybe not going so well.
And tonight I'm gonna talk in the context
of romantic relationships, but also all relationships.
So I'm gonna talk about that kind of a lot
and how we're showing up in our lives
with the people around us.
How do we communicate?
How do we not communicate well?
So I wanna give you a couple of things to think about
and try to get a piece of paper,
if you guys don't have a piece of paper and pen with you.
For those of you that are driving,
I'll try to wait a little bit to see if you are home
or somewhere safe that you can do this.
I do wanna do a couple activations with you all,
and this includes men and women can do this.
So please, men, don't check out when we do this.
It's important for you all to also engage
in these journaling prompts.
Okay, so as we start, I wanna just kick it off
with the more understanding,
like the more we understand how each one of us
feels in the dynamic of the relationship,
of the conversation, of the argument,
the stronger our relationship is gonna be.
So I'm saying that from the perspective
of a lot of times we come into communication
and relationships, whether it's we're getting along
or we're having a disagreement,
and we show up through the lens
of how we've encountered life, right?
So we're bringing everything that we've gone through
into that dynamic with us for good or bad, you all.
And so when we really understand and look at that
and acknowledge how that's causing us to show up,
again, for the good or bad in a relationship,
that's where we can have true healing happen
when we're honest with ourselves.
And so tonight, I wanna talk a little bit
about different communication styles.
I'm gonna wait a little bit on the journaling
because I want more people to be able to do this.
So if you're not familiar, there are,
and there's a lot of different studies,
but I really liked this communication style.
I recently was talking to the Simbas group about it
and had them take a quiz.
So I wanna share that with those of you tonight,
the quiz that you can just go take.
So don't go there in your minds yet,
but I'll put the link in the chat for you all.
So what is your communication style?
How do you show up in communication with other people?
These are four, the one that I really like,
it had four different categories,
connectors, planners, thinkers, and movers.
So looking at that, not only your own communication style,
but the person you are in relationship with,
what is their communication style?
And when we say like exclusive relationship,
we mean that whoever you're in relationship with
that you all have committed,
that you are going to continue to dating
to decide if it will move towards marriage,
that you guys are not dating other people.
So I just wanna be clear on that as well.
But here's how a connector,
connector tends to be someone who's very personal,
they're very interactive.
They like to take time to relate.
So that's kind of their number one goal
when they're communicating with other people.
They tend to be good listeners.
They try to establish eye contact.
They're very engaged.
They really value growing in confidence
where people trust them.
And they feel most comfortable
if they believe they've made a meaningful connection
with you.
And when they make a meaningful connection with you,
that is when they will then tend to open up more.
Okay, so some of you, if you're dating a connector
and you're not a connector,
you may wanna really find ways to be intentional
to allow yourself to open up more
so that they can have that meaningful connection with you
and feel safer, and then they will open up more as well.
A planner tends to be very purposeful.
They're procedural.
So they kind of come in
and they tend to be really goal-oriented.
So what's their goal?
They're out to get their goal and accomplish that.
And they don't do it to be short with people,
but it's just the way they communicate.
Generally, they initiate a conversation to get specifics
so they can fulfill their responsibility.
So, you know, an example of how that might look is,
hey, maybe I'm just gonna kind of pick this out of the air,
but like maybe the guy is coming in
and his responsibility is to provide.
He's maybe overseeing the bills and the budget.
And so he comes in, he's very goal-oriented,
and he's just wanting to talk about specifics.
And hey, let's fulfill this responsibility.
You know, I said I was gonna provide,
I said I was gonna do the budget.
So let's, you know, ABC, let's talk about it,
let's accomplish it, and that kind of thing.
They communicate things in chronological order.
So they go step-by-step.
And typically, I thought this was so interesting.
If you interrupt a planner
while they are explaining something,
they tend to go all the way back to the beginning
and start explaining again from the beginning.
So it's really good if you are dating
or in relationship with a planner
to let them get their full thought out
before you try to interrupt them
because they're gonna actually feel kind of like,
oh, they're not listening to me.
And then they're gonna feel like they have to go back
and explain the whole thing over.
They prefer to just really complete their thoughts.
And they're gonna feel really valued and honored
as you let them complete their thought.
A thinker is someone who's very objective.
They're very strategic.
They tend to reflect on conversations before they respond.
So they might be more quiet.
They might be more like introspective.
They like to analyze what they've actually heard
and explore ways that they could respond
and choose to reply in a way that expresses them the best.
Okay, so from their perspective,
they're trying to really think through what just happened?
How's this conversation going?
How can I respond so that I reflect myself well?
Okay, so their goal is to obtain
and figure out how can they fix it?
How can they improve the situation?
Can they invent something as a result?
Okay, our movers.
Our movers are on the go, you all.
Movers are active and straightforward.
Now, again, all of these are communication styles.
I'm gonna explain the mover a little bit more.
If you are overextended, Jackie talks about this a lot,
anything out of balance, you all,
can end up being a negative.
So any of these conversation styles
or communication styles,
if we're out of balance and overextended,
so like a connector could struggle with people-pleasing.
Do you see?
So I wanna make that connection too.
So a mover is very active and straightforward.
They're direct, yet typically playful.
An overextension of this might be
they're direct to a fault.
So they're very harsh, straightforward, that kind of thing.
They get to the point quickly and they keep moving.
So they're going from one thing to the next.
They're attracted by variety, new experiences, and fun.
So if you're always very low-key
and they don't know how to engage
or get you to engage in new activities, things that are fun,
they tend to tell jokes, they share their accomplishments.
So they're very notorious for moving around
in a conversation as well.
So they might be the kind of person
when you're talking to them,
they're just kind of ping-ponging.
They're going from one thing to another
and you're kind of like, wait a minute,
let's finish this conversation over here,
that kind of thing.
All right, so these are also,
and I thought this would be super helpful for some of you.
When there's someone that's a mover in a conversation,
they may also tend to fidget while you're talking to them.
So it could look like them pacing,
they could play with a rubber band
or doodle when you're talking to them, or even this,
and we see this all the time.
So again, this within balance,
I think we need to express our needs to people,
but they might be someone who sits and scrolls on their phone
even while you're talking to them,
but in their minds, they're listening, okay?
Now, again, I think it's important to communicate
and express to someone,
hey, I really feel the most loved when we're talking
and having a conversation when you're not on your phone.
So if they need to do something else to fidget
that they would maybe shift away from the phone
and then they could do something else.
And this is not a sign of them not caring about you
or the conversation.
I will say that as I was reading these different things,
I actually even thought of my youngest spiritual daughter.
When she was little, we could not keep her still.
Like in conversation, she was like bouncing on the couch,
you know, and she's always like had to be doing something.
Like she was struggled to just sit still.
And now all these years later, you know,
understanding that that's a part of her makeup.
So why try to confine her into sitting still
if she actually is gonna do better in communication
as she's given the freedom to kind of move and be.
Does that make sense?
Now, obviously that's a younger person,
but again, this can show up even as adults.
Okay, so here's my journaling prompt for you.
I want you to think about in the past week,
and even those of you that are driving,
even if you can't write, just think about this, okay?
In the past week, where is an area that God has shown you
that you could have communicated better?
Is there an area where you could have communicated
to somebody in your life,
whether that was your romantic relationship,
a friendship, family,
where you could have communicated better?
I want you just to think about that.
And then if you have thoughts coming up,
you can put those in the chat as well as examples.
We can start talking about it a little bit.
Is there anyone willing to share
if something's coming to your mind?
I will.
Okay, yeah, Monica, go ahead.
So I went to surprise my daughter
for her 30th birthday in Montana.
I live in Maine.
And anyway, she found out through text
on her husband's phone, which was fine,
I was so excited to see her.
I could have listened to her a lot more.
I only had a week and I think I tended to,
I mean, the last day, I think I said,
so how have you been doing?
But as I look back, I wish that I listened more.
I think that I was kind of talking more about myself.
That's so good.
Monica, thank you for sharing.
This is where the reason I'm having you guys
kind of pause and do this
is because even as you're engaging
in these relationships you're in,
it's good for us to pause and reflect,
even if it's like once a week, once every other week
where we're just kind of like, okay,
we're not being down on ourselves,
but we're just like, man, Lord,
show me where I could have done something healthier
in my communication.
Where could I have shown up more or in a healthier way
versus pulling back and hiding?
And we're gonna talk about some of this too.
Anyone else wanna share before I go on?
Okay.
I can share.
Okay, go ahead.
Yeah, that's fine.
One actually just came up with myself and my boyfriend.
I am visiting him out in Kansas.
I forget what state I'm in,
but he was coming home from work
and we were both getting back to work
from being on vacation for two weeks.
And I identified I was hangry at this point,
but he came home and he was like,
I'm not hangry at this point, but he came home.
There were a lot of little things
that were kind of upsetting me.
And when he recognized that my tone
and the atmosphere that I was getting off shifted,
he asked if I was okay.
And I said, I'm fine, but I knew I wasn't.
But I also, I felt myself like getting really emotional
and I was about to cry
because it was just a mix of everything at once,
but I didn't know how to communicate
what was actually wrong.
And I didn't wanna just start melting down and crying
like without being able to verbalize what it was.
So we had a good moment where later in the evening,
I came to him and I was like, okay,
can I share how I'm feeling?
like, so when you said you were fine, you weren't. And I was
like, correct, but I didn't know how to tell you. I didn't know
how to words to communicate because I just was feeling
icky. And the next day, I had a counseling appointment. And it
was really helpful to deconstruct that. But that was
a really good example of where I was like, yeah, I could have
just said, I don't feel good. I'm not okay. But I don't have
the words to say. Yeah, to describe it.
Yes. And I love that you're using that example. Because so
many times to you all. When we leave things unsaid completely,
that's where the enemy tries to come in a lot and create a lot
of doubt in both sides. So when we just communicate, and we just
at least put it out there and just say, Hey, you know, I'm not
exactly sure how to explain this to you. I have a couple things
kind of all coming to a head at once, I'm feeling some kind of
way. But I just want you to know, like, I really care about
you, I'll talk to you more about this as soon as I can, or
something like that, where we're communicating, you know, and
then also, it gives them an opportunity to support you, but
respect your boundary as well, right? So you're starting to see
how do they engage when things are a little tough? Because you
want to see those things when you're dating. If they don't
handle that well, when you're dating, it will continue in your
marriage. But again, you also keep in mind, you guys are both
rowing in your dating relationship together. Okay, so
then in the past week, where do you wish someone else would have
communicated better? Like to you? You know, just thinking
about that, like, in your relationships, where do you wish
someone would have communicated better to you? And you guys
don't have to necessarily share on this one, but I want you to
be thinking about it. And this is why I want you to pray for
that person. I want you to pray not in a controlling way, but
just asking God to reveal to them, you know, from his
perspective, what he might want to minister to them about that.
And this is why we want God to work in their hearts, we want
God to get them to the point where they are self aware. Does
that mean we can't bring it up to them? No, of course you can.
But you also want to do it from a place of peace and not anger.
Okay? Or, you know, a lot of frustration and pain. Now there
are going to be those times you all where we're going to just be
sad or something's happening. And that's not what I'm talking
about right now. But when when there is that ability for you to
create some space, and then communicate, and that you make
sure you're not communicating from a place of lack and hurt,
and like, what I'm just going to call kind of meanness, if you
will. Okay. All right. Now, as you're thinking about those, I
want you guys to also understand that communication styles can
change, they can add, they can flow, people don't always stay
like cookie cutters. So an example is if you guys have
never done the love languages, highly recommend it, I think
everybody should do that quiz. The love languages gives you an
idea of how your partner and you both receive love. Okay, so I do
think that that is a part of communication, and that it would
be good for us to all understand how God wants us to communicate
to that person in a way they feel the most loved. Right. So
when you're thinking about that, when I'm trying to turn to a
page, all right, I'm going to read something to you, I felt
like this was really important. And I hate to read this long,
but it's just that it's worth it. So bear with me. And this is
from a book by the couple that put together the whole Simba
stuff. And we're, you know, we do this Simbas coaching in this
community. And I'm just going to read it to you as is, but it's
the husband and wife that that put this whole Simba stuff
together, which Simbas, if you don't know, is saving your
marriage before it starts. That's what it stands for. Well,
what do you think? Leslie was standing in the middle of our
tiny apartment twirling around to display her new dress. We had
been married less than a week. It's good. I responded. Are you
ready to go? I'm starving. That's the guy. Okay. Leslie is
the girl. And then less is the guy. Good. I'm starving. That's
all you can say. Leslie didn't have to ask this rhetorical
question. I could read it all over her face. Is something
wrong? I asked my keen diagnostic sense was just
budding. No. Well, then let's go. Wait, I'm going to change
Leslie said, why you look fine. Five minutes later, I could hear
weeping coming from the bedroom. That's strange. I thought I
walked to the door and opened it. The light was off. Leslie
was curled up on the edge of the bed crying. What happened? I
exclaimed. Nothing. Are you all right?
Yes. Then why are you crying? No response. In the silence, both of us wondered what had just
happened. I was bewildered. Leslie was hurt. But why? This small incident during the first week of
our marriage was the prime indicator that we did not speak the same language or so it seemed.
And so this is why it's important to communicate, you all. In that moment, and I'm not saying it's
going to be easy. You guys are going to have to be brave. We're going to have to have a lot
of courage when we communicate. But if she had mentioned, you know, even like,
I really wanted you to notice my new dress. Like I just bought it or, you know, just communicated
in that moment versus shutting down and whatever maybe was feeding into her thoughts that caused
the shutdown. Do you understand? Like that pause and like, okay, what's really happening here?
Is it that he didn't notice the dress or is there something else underneath the surface going on?
So a lot of times I like to use the iceberg as an example. And some of you like that are
in some of this, you might've heard some of this. So the whole session isn't the same as
what you've already heard, but I just want you to bear with us. So an iceberg, you see just
what's on top of the surface, but really there's all this stuff underneath the surface, you all.
And that's the stuff that we bring into the relationship that we need to keep in mind.
So misunderstanding is a part, it's a natural, excuse me, part of every relationship.
It really is. You know, we're going to have times where we don't see eye to eye or that one person
wants something different than the other person wants. And so just going in, you all, even in
the dating and exclusive, maybe some of you are engaged, maybe some of you are not yet,
that you understand that it is natural for that to happen. Okay. So let's choose when it happens
to walk in empathy. Choose to walk in the other person's shoes. Don't expect people to read your
minds because they can't. No one can read our minds. Even our friends and our family, they
cannot read our minds. Don't sit silently and brew. Allow yourself to come out of that shell,
ask the Lord to help you face whatever is going on underneath the surface instead of avoiding it
and shifting into what we're going to call later stonewalling or withholding affection. Okay.
So here's a scripture for you because this is why it's so important. We don't want what,
what in the beginning is the silent brewing and maybe it starts really small, but you guys,
you know what happens when that, when we don't deal with that, it grows. And do you know what
the Bible says? It grows into a bitter root because that brewing and stewing turns into
deeper resentment over time because, Hey, if we don't deal with it over here and then it happens
again, then we're brewing and stewing again. So now you you're building, it's building, it's
building. And so this bitter root tends to take hold. Deuteronomy 29, 18, uh, in the tail end of
that verse, it says, make sure there's no root among you that produces such bitter poison.
Hebrews 12, 14 through 15 says, make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy
without holiness. No one will see the Lord see to it that no one falls short of the grace of God
and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. So I really want you to ask
yourself, you know, do you have any bitter roots in any of your relationships in your heart anywhere?
Um, yes, I'll say those again for you, Tegan. Um, that is causing issues in the relationships that
you're in. Cause sometimes, you know, even conversations I've had with people I can't
and myself included. I, I mean, I feel like I'm always trying to ask the Lord to help me,
you know, even in the churches that we're in, you know, we've gone through some tough stuff here
and just always trying to keep my heart clean before the Lord, you know, created me a clean
heart of God and renew a steadfast spirit in me, you know, is such an important prayer to keep on
the forefront of our minds, you all seriously. Okay. So Tegan, those scripture references is
Deuteronomy 29, 18. And then also it was Hebrews 12, 14 through 15.
And this is where, you know, when you guys went through heartwork, we can't emphasize enough
heartwork is going to be a tool in your bag that you can use throughout your entire life.
I can't tell you how many times I'm revisiting, you know, heartwork stuff, because something that
happening right now is putting a finger and pressure on something that maybe God is trying
to reveal for healing in the present, but it's connected to something back here. Whether that's
the romantic, obviously I'm married now, whether it's in my marriage or it's in a relationship with
a friend or someone at the church. Again, it's just wherever we're at, what is the enemy trying
to do in our relationships to bring disunity, dis-ease, discomfort, and lead us away from
community, away from relationship, and allow bitter roots to take hold. Now, obviously, you guys,
toxic relationships is a completely different category. I hope none of you are in those.
Some of the other things we're going to go through in the next few months, you'll be able
to determine if you're in a healthy relationship or not, but asking God always for discernment on
that is so important. So ask God to help you process where the bitter root is at. Where did
it begin? Okay, yes, maybe you're feeling it right now because you're brewing, you're angry about
whatever that current situation is, or frustrated or sad. I mean, it can be a lot of different
emotions, but where did it start? Choose to forgive that person and then communicate honorably to them.
So what does it mean to be honorable? We're going to be respectful in the way we speak.
We're not going to be condescending. We're not going to put them down. We're going to go, again,
from that place of peace in our hearts because we will hopefully have dealt with that with the Lord
before we go to them. No matter how much we care about someone, conflict is inevitable.
So conflict is processed and worked through in healthy ways when it is, I'm sorry,
if it is, then it actually can create intimacy. If we go through conflict with friends, with family,
with someone we're dating, with our marriage partner, whatever that looks like, when we go
through that and we learn how to work through conflict or a difficult situation together
and we work as a team, it actually can create deeper intimacy and a stronger bond. Intimacy is
intimacy. Intimacy. Y'all, some of us don't communicate because it's hard work and we're
not really willing to let the walls down and let someone in to the vulnerable places to see
what's on the inside. So consider that if you tend to put walls up a lot and block people out.
Like, why is that happening? Okay. All right. Now I want you guys to think about this and I
would encourage you just to jot down anything that comes to your mind, whether it's a phrase,
an image, a memory, whatever. How was conflict handled in your home growing up?
How was conflict handled in your home growing up? I'm so, I've been a little sick this week,
y'all. So I'm sorry. I'm like sniffling and stuff on you all a lot. Just bear with me.
If you hear that, I apologize. So how was conflict handled in your home growing up? I want to give
you guys an example of my own home for reference. Okay. So I'll use myself. So my dad left when I
was literally an infant. My mom was a single mom, super depressed. Didn't really get, didn't really
get out of bed half the time when I was really young. When my dad did come back home, he kind
of left, he'd come back, he left. And she always, you know, for years allowed that to go on.
I can remember as a young kid waking up in the middle of the night, hearing them arguing and
their bedroom was upstairs. And I can remember sometimes even sitting at the bottom of the
stairs, feeling afraid because they were arguing and you know, just wishing that they weren't
arguing and wishing it was different and all those kinds of things. So for me, that was like one of
the pictures I saw. Very negative one regarding conflict. I never saw my parents work through
anything that I can recall. Now, again, there's a lot of stuff of my childhood I don't remember.
But what I'll also give an example, I had my dad's, my dad's parents, my grandparents were
very much involved in our lives. I spent a lot of time with them. They were amazing people.
I never saw them fight, which we might be like, oh, that's a great thing. And it is to a degree.
But I never saw them, like, I never saw them resolve conflict. I don't even know if they
had conflict. And if they did, like, how did they resolve it?
they work through it. So even though like I felt super safe with them and I'm, I'm confident they
did because they were married for a really long time and they were happy together. But I never,
I never learned how to resolve conflict from anybody. Does that make sense? And so when I
got married the first time and he was pacing around the house and screaming at me, I was just
always trying to make it better. Like, how can I make him happier? How can I same thing? Like
kind of my mom always being in bed, I always try to make her happy. How can I make my mom happy?
How can I help my mom get out of bed? How can I help her kind of show up in the world? I didn't
know that's what I was doing as a kid, but all these years later, I understand it now.
So while my mom's sleeping in bed doesn't seem like conflict in a sense, it still was because
I was always in conflict because my mom wasn't showing up to be a mom and I love her. And I'm
not trying to speak ill of her, but that's just, that's the reality. Okay. So I'm trying to, like,
as I'm kind of putting some of these things out there, some of you guys might've had great parents.
They might've communicated well with each other. They might've communicated well with you.
But maybe along the way you struggled to communicate because maybe along the way
you felt wounded or felt left out, you, you know, you just never know how the enemy comes in and
says stuff to people and then it causes them to shut down and kind of pull back from relationships.
So just consider all of those kinds of different things. Okay. So then when you're looking at that,
it's not necessarily that you want to focus on hyper-focus on that, but you want to understand
how you grew up. You want to look through that lens so that you can also acknowledge
how is that impacting how you show up in conflict today or don't show up in conflict?
Because some people just flat out isolate and don't even want to, they don't want anything
to do with conflict and that's not healthy either. All right. If you guys can recall,
when you went through the heart work, there were self-preservation techniques.
This is an old one, so don't mind the logo on there. I don't have another printed one, but
I would encourage you guys in the next week to go back through that list and kind of just ask
the Lord, am I, excuse me, am I doing any of these things in my current relationship
or in any of my friendships or whatever? Just really, just be honest with yourself.
And we're not asking you to go all the way back through heart work, but it would be good to do a
revisit on this. Okay. So how are you guys showing up in your, your self-preservation techniques?
What, what tends to activate for you? I'm going to put a couple out there just for you to think
about. When conflict happens or even when a hard situation happens, it doesn't have to just be
conflict. Do you shut down? Do you block people out? Do you run away? Do you yell or get angry?
Or even like, maybe you get angry and you just stew and brew, like we were talking about.
Do you hide or isolate? Do you blame, like blame shift a lot instead of actually like
acknowledging what's going on in your own heart? And do you put down a lot? And there's so many
other on there, but those were the ones I felt led to write down tonight.
So as you're thinking of this, I also want to share with you guys, there's four different
I also want to share with you guys. There's four disastrous, and we're going to talk about some
good stuff too, but I got to, I got to share these things with you as well, because it's
super important. These are four disastrous ways of interacting that can sabotage our attempts
to resolve conflict constructively. So instead of healthy conflict, these are four things that
people do that can actually destroy and sabotage a relationship, even a really healthy one.
Criticism is number one. Criticism, a lot of times people that operate in this, it can sometimes
start just by like complaining and complaining isn't bad. You all, it's okay for us to say,
Hey, like I, I'm really struggling with this. Like, I don't feel like this is going very well.
Or when this happened, I felt this way, or this is how I felt or am feeling in this dynamic.
In the Simbas group, we talk a lot. One of the biggest things with Bri and I that we've had to
work through is like the dishes. I know that sounds so silly you all, but like, A, he is totally fine
if the dishes sit there in the sink for days. I get stressed out by that. And then it's really
funny. Like he loads the dishwasher way different than I do or would. And so it's really where
you're allowing the other person to be themselves. But I can also say, Hey, like I feel
really stressed out when we have a bunch of dishes in the sink and there's dishes on the
stave. And like, I'm always like, I'm having to a lot of times cook and clean. And, you know,
so I need help. I need help sometimes. Like I've had to communicate that. And it's not that he's
trying to not help. It's just his family, um, when he grew up, it was very different. They kind of
Brian's older sisters were already kind of gone in college and stuff. And so when he was younger,
he kind of fended for himself after school. He ate food out of a can like legit. Like I'm not in,
and that's just how some people, they grow up. And then like their laundry,
um, like just piled up and piled up and piled up. Like, even when we first got married, he was like,
whoa, like you do laundry all the time. And I was like, yeah, like don't doesn't ever,
you know? And so even I learned about other people and how other people live or, you know,
do things or whatever. So sometimes we have different expectations of what is good enough.
Right. And it doesn't mean I have to, like, I'm not saying Brian has to become a completely
different person. And there's some things I have to shift to, but like, I am asking if he can at
times be more intentional about helping with those things. Does that make sense? Everyone.
So it's okay for us to share. And I think that's important, but where, where it shifts into
criticism is this. So instead of, um, you know, I've even had to watch myself with this instead
of just saying, Hey, when this happens, this is how I feel. People that tend to criticize will
say things like, you never do this. You always do this. You know, they're, they're really creating
a, something that happens on occasion and they're turning it into like, like the, that is always
that person, you know, how they are and all this. So then the other thing to think about, uh, with
criticism, criticism, excuse me, it involves attacking someone's personality, someone's
personality rather than their behavior. So we want to look at what's the behavior that we might
feel is like needs changed or corrected or whatever, versus, um, their personality going after
their, who they are. Um, and if you guys recall, when we go through heartwork behavior is like,
when there's behavior that needs to change, typically there's heart healing, or there's
some kind of situation, like for instance, you know, and I'm not, his parents did the best they
could. They they're great people. I love his mom, but like, you know, there's a part of what Brian
went through that needs to heal. And even, you know, I don't want to say mature, like he's not
mature, but like even myself, like I had to learn how to manage my money. So I'll use myself as an
example, instead of putting my husband under, under the thing there, but like, I had to learn how to
do my checkbook. I had to learn how to manage money well, like, because my mom didn't teach
me that growing up. And so, you know, you can look at it a lot of different ways. It's not just the
one example I was giving. Okay. So if he was criticizing me and critical of me, he would,
he would say like, you never do this. You never meet with me about the money. You never,
you know, whatever the personal attacks. Okay. So then contempt, contempt is number two.
So the four disastrous ways we have number one, criticism,
then contempt, contempt is intention to insult and psychologically abuse your partner.
And a lot of people would be like, yeah, I don't, I would never do that. I would never
do that. But when bitterness takes root, you all, it comes out in all kinds of ways. And so contempt
and abusive behavior and language can come out like insulting who they are. And basically this
is stuff that's aimed right at the heart of the person. So for example, if we know that something
hurts someone, or they have an area that's very sensitive to them, if we on purpose say something
that we know is going to hurt them, that would be kind of an example of contempt. Okay.
Defensive and defensiveness is number three. Defensiveness tends to come out when we're
in victim mode. And sometimes it's legit. You all sometimes like somebody we're having a
disagreement, both people feel victimized. Nobody's really slowing down and taking a breath.
And so both people or one or the other is getting defensive, defensive, defensive. And it's like,
literally what happens is both people end up triggering it.
other. So when you sense that happening, hopefully you guys do sense that if it does happen,
but when you sense it, take a step back and ask the Lord to reveal what is causing me
to be triggered right now. And really be honest with yourself. Is it what they are doing or
saying and it might be, but is there something else that that thing is connected to somewhere
else that's causing you to be triggered in the present? All right. Defensiveness also
tends to escalate a conflict rather than resolve it. So that's why it's super important for
us to try to not get defensive. Um, for example, like when I talk with Brian, he was very understanding
about, you know, the dishes and stuff. And he's been very understanding of me regarding
the financial stuff. I went through a lot of financial trauma, you guys in my former
marriage, as well as in the relationship I was in for six years with my spiritual daughters,
their dad. And so when I came into this relationship with Brian, like I'm afraid still, I'm still
working through it to just like surrender everything, like all of my accounts. Like
it's just, I have a lot of anxiety. Um, I went through, like my brother stole my money
a lot when I was kid, like, there's just a lot there and God is still healing that
in me. Um, the Brian's been loving and kind and patient. Now, obviously like I am working
through it. I can't just not bring those things together. Um, and we have brought money together.
So I don't want to make it sound like we haven't, but I also just have had, like, I've also
had an account, if that makes sense. And so I'm working on slowly like merging everything.
And so again, it's like sitting in that other person's shoes, having empathy, understanding
where they're coming from in the way that they show up in life or the areas that they
struggle. Okay. All right. The last one, number four. So it's criticism, contempt, defense,
defensiveness, and stonewalling. Stonewalling is exactly what it sounds like when the other
person stops talking altogether, they withdraw, they shut down and they literally stonewall.
Okay. Does that mean they're not someone that can be in a healthy relationship? No, I'm
not saying that, but it is an area if that happens, that's something they need or we
need whoever does it. They probably need a little bit more counseling around. Why are
they doing that? Why are they just shutting down and like stonewalling and putting, putting
walls up? Maybe it's us. Maybe it's them. Maybe it's both of us. We want to allow those
walls to come down and allow the Lord to work in mighty ways. All right. So here's the,
here's the positives. You all, everyone can learn how to fight fair. Every single person
can learn how to fight fair. We can all learn new tools and new abilities every single day.
You know, one of the best things you can do for your relationship is start educating yourself
on what does it even look like to fight fair, you know, find other couples that are healthy,
that are thriving. What are they doing? You know, learn from them, read books. One of the
things that we recommend in the Simbis, and I'll say this just in a different way, but they
recommend when you're, and obviously hopefully you guys are not having sex before marriage,
but I'm just going to put that out there because I was going to say something and I thought I
probably should preface it. But in the Simbis, they recommend once, you know, once you're married,
that you would read one book about sexual intimacy a year together. But I would also say,
I would encourage everyone to read a book on communication and, you know, what does it look
like to fight fair, how to develop skills and tools because conflict and communication breakdown is
like one of the biggest reasons people end up in divorce. Money's another one. And then, you know,
if the sexual intimacy is not there or, you know, people just shut down and shut people out, that's
huge too. All right. So here's some of the things to consider as you're learning how to develop tools
to fight fair. You don't want to run from strife. You don't want to run from conflict. So if that's
your tendency, I would encourage you also to ask the Lord. Again, it kind of weaves the heart work in.
When is the first time you started running from conflict? And ask the Lord to reveal that and then
ask him to heal that area or any lies you might be believing that are connected to that.
Okay. All right. You want to choose your battles carefully. This is the thing. Sometimes when we're
in that situation, you're going to want to choose your battles carefully.
A small problem can be magnified into something bigger because of how we're reacting to it.
And I'm going to give you a little bit of advice on how to choose your battles carefully.
For example, how do you handle personal conflict?
You know, what challenges, we were talking about this earlier.
Let's talk about like us.
Do we hesitate to act on a problem?
Do we become evasive?
Do we avoid things if we're not sure about the position of other people?
So maybe some of us, the conflict is that we're actually not showing up fully because
we're afraid of what the other person's going to do.
But here's the thing.
If we're not showing up as our full real self in that relationship, y'all, then we're going
to struggle once you get married because they're going to be like, who did I marry?
We got to be, even if it's hard right now and it looks ugly at times, if you will, like
let's be our real, full, authentic self in that relationship and learn how to work through
things together, again, becoming a team.
All right.
Do you become defensive when involving risk, preferring to keep things the same?
You just want things, like you just want things to be peaceful.
You don't ever want any conflict.
And here's the thing.
People that just always want things to always be peaceful and they even pretend like everything's
good, even when it's not, y'all, that ends up being what?
Does anyone have a clue?
Underneath the surface, it ends up being a volcano legitimately because that can't stay
under there forever.
It can't, it's going to come out at some point.
So why not just let it come out in a healthy way and talk about it so that you can have
resolve.
All right.
Maybe you yield a position to avoid controversy, which is very similar to what I was just saying.
There's another one I wanted to read.
Hold on.
It was from my own Symbus.
It was really good.
I'm telling on myself tonight, y'all, I'm about to.
All right.
This is something on my own regarding conflict.
You generally, let's see here.
You can be intense when confronted with a tough problem.
That's what my Symbus said to me.
The intensity may not always fit the problem.
That is sometimes you can get intense over a problem that looks tough, but in actuality,
it's not.
Y'all, I can't tell you how many times in the situations we've gone through in the church
that has like, when I read that today, I was kind of laughing at myself a little bit because
I'm like, oh my gosh, that's so me because it felt so hard at times and it was hard.
But there are times that I think, I won't say I think, I know, as I've been walking
through this, what's been happening is God has really been highlighting areas.
I still need healing regarding men, men that mistreat me.
We had a lot of people walking in religion in these churches.
And so like the spirit of religion is something I've battled my entire life.
And so little things like that, you just never know how it's going to show up.
And again, you might think, well, what does that have to do with the relationship?
Everything, whatever the Lord is highlighting, just be willing to look at it and learn how
to process and work through that.
Okay.
So the last thing, two more things I wanted to say, state your feelings very directly.
Be very clear.
Don't be very careful to when you're communicating.
Here's one of the things that's coming up in my spirit.
Don't say you make me feel this way.
Here's the thing.
When we do that, we actually let go of all of our own ownership of our feelings.
We need to own the feelings that we have, acknowledge them and express them.
Yes.
I statements 100% Jennifer.
So I feel this way when this happens.
Okay.
And even if, again, you guys, sometimes you're going to feel triggered.
I'm just telling you, I've been married a year and four months.
And there are times where Brian didn't even mean to do something.
But when he said something, it just triggered something in me from other people.
And I've had to communicate that to him.
And then also when that happened, he wanted to hug me and comfort me.
And I'm like, don't touch me.
And I just had to communicate, I know that I feel upset because of what you said, but
I know that really what you said, it's not really even about that.
It's about something else.
And I just need some space to process what's even happening right now.
So kind of like what Tegan was saying, there are going to be times where we just need to
say, I just need a little bit of space.
And so we just stood in the kitchen and talked for a little bit.
And then he said,
said a little bit later, can I hug you now?
And so he was really good at honoring my boundaries too.
And then when I was ready, I said yes and we hugged
and everything was fine.
Now, sometimes it won't go that way,
but you guys will know as you are interacting again
in relationship and you're navigating,
like how does this person respond when I say,
hey, I need a little bit of space.
Do they freak out and try to cling to you?
If so, you guys are gonna wanna work through that
because really the best response is,
okay, I'm gonna give you your space.
Do you wanna still talk about it right now?
Or do you want me to like, let's go in separate,
maybe rooms for a little bit, come back,
but don't just check out for good, okay?
So the key there is I didn't check out
and just never talk about that thing again.
I came back into that, I engaged with him.
I didn't shut him out and stonewall him or anything.
And I'm not saying it's always been that way, you guys.
In my former marriage, I mean, it was really bad anyways.
He was very toxic and so I never felt safe.
And I'm not blaming this all on him,
I just understand what was happening a lot better now.
When I didn't feel safe, I was always responding
and reacting out of a trigger place, right?
Versus a place of health and inner peace
and who I am in Christ and how things are.
One of the things that became very clear to me
in that situation I just explained to you about with Brian
is I felt safe and it was okay for me to express
how I was feeling and I felt supported
through the whole thing, okay?
So maybe your partner is gonna be the one
that at some point will do that
and have a response that you might think,
well, that's kind of seems out of sorts,
like what's up with that?
But like, instead of judging them,
give them the space to process what's going on
and just be there in any way that they'll let you.
And again, if they're healthy people,
I'm not saying if someone's toxic.
So again, that's a totally different dynamic.
So state your feelings directly, use I statements.
When there is something that you're upset about,
really define the issue clearly, okay?
So that night I got upset about what he said,
but it really, again, was tied to something else.
And so I was able to then communicate to him,
these are the things that this was about tonight, okay?
So yes, the thing that you said did hurt my feelings,
but it was about all these other things
that had nothing to do with you as well, okay?
All right, okay, this one's really good.
And I know we're starting to kind of
get on the time crunch here, but I want to say this,
rate the intensity of your feelings.
So kind of like how I was saying the example
about myself and the church stuff,
I had to really look at when I go,
and I'm not like an angry person.
So that's why it stands out to me even more
when I go from zero to 180 and I'm like angry,
like something else is going on there.
So I have to be really honest with myself
and gauge what's really happening,
what's underneath the surface,
kind of like I was saying earlier, the iceberg,
and then you've got all that other stuff
underneath the surface.
What's very important to one person may appear
not to be very important to the other person at all.
So here's the thing, if your feelings are upset,
if you are upset,
the other person doesn't have to fully understand.
It's okay if they don't sometimes.
They just have to be there and love you and support you.
And you, us, we have to be willing to own our own feelings
and at times apologize if our feelings and intensity
is at a level that it's really not healthy
for us to go there.
Does that make sense?
Everyone?
All right, so fully show up, recognize these things.
Okay, give up put downs.
So it's like, we're kicking those things out.
So anytime you recognize,
like put downs are things that you're thinking about,
even if you never speak them, here's the thing.
If you think on them, guess what?
It's gonna come out of your mouth at some point.
And even if it doesn't,
it's going to create a toxic environment
for your relationship
because everything we think
ends up taking root in our hearts one way or another.
So if we're thinking on a lot of negative things
and we're putting them down in our minds,
it's going to create disunity
and a disruption in that relationship.
So we wanna do our best.
to get rid of put downs and don't dwell on the downers. Okay. You guys, we're all going to have
stuff that we're going to go through and it's going to be really hard at times it is, but let's
not dwell on the things that are hard. Let's let's be aware of them. Let's work through them with our
partner, but let's celebrate the wins. So that's where I want to end with you tonight. I really
want you to think about as well, where in your relationships, all of them, what are some wins
you've had this week? What are some things you can celebrate and tell that person verbally about it?
Like, what are some ways you can celebrate them, celebrate your relationship and really, you know,
be proud of where you guys are and where you're going.
We always, you know, again, not toxic relationships, but when we're in relationship, we really want to
think on things that are true, noble, lovely, and of good report things that are above only
and not beneath. The enemy wants us to always get our minds on the negative.
So where do we need a mindset shift and focus on the wins?
All right. I hope this was good tonight. I hope you're excited. I want to talk up. I'm super
thrilled. So what we're doing originally, we were going to do the same content both times and just
have like the session build and we would come back and build on it. But what we decided, and I don't
know if it'll be this way every month, but I'm just going to tell you guys. So for this same,
on the 25th, instead of every path going to their own group, we're going to bring all the paths
together and what we're going to talk about. So Jackie, I don't know if you guys saw, she put a
post in the phase three group. I'm asking people like, if you're always struggling, like, is he the
right one? And that post is the one I'm talking about. So what we're going to do is bring everybody
together. Myself, Jackie and Renee will all be on. And the topic is overcoming relationship anxiety.
That's what we're going to talk about. We'll probably pull in a little bit of like things
that we do. We might do breakout sessions. I was giving her some ideas of even myself and
things that I've noticed at times where anxiety takes over or has taken over. Brian is amazing,
but even in the process of dating him, the enemy like tried to cause me to doubt him in our
relationship. And so I had to really learn how to acknowledge and recognize when the enemy was coming
in, um, or feeding on anxiety that I had or whatever. So on January 25th, 8 PM Eastern time,
all paths are coming together to talk about overcoming relationship anxiety. So I hope you
guys will be there next Tuesday night. Um, so next Tuesday is what are we at? It's the 16th.
We're actually, it's called an all community event, eight, eight o'clock PM. We're actually
going to do heart rehab. If you've never done a heart rehab with us, you guys will want to be
there. It's going to be really good. Um, so just wanted to kind of let you guys know kind of what's
going on in the next few weeks. And then that last week of the month on the 30th will be single
spotlight. We got a lot of good stuff happening. I hope to see you guys at our next events.
Um, I'm going to pray for you real quick. And then I got to close this out. Father,
thank you so much for this night. God, thank you for creating communication, help us to hear your
hearts, help us to recognize areas. We need to shift, maybe heal a little bit more and celebrate
our wins Lord, help us to go and fully engage in our relationships to really show up, to be
vulnerable when we need to be vulnerable, to let our walls down, but also at times to express our
feelings, clearly give us the words when it feels hard, Lord, and help us to stay engaged in the
relationship versus disengaged. And we just thank you Lord for grace. We thank you for courage and
strength in our relationships in Jesus name. Amen. God bless you all. I hope you guys have an amazing
night. See.