WEBVTT

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I'm going to turn it back over to you.

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Welcome tonight to our all path session.

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Those of you that have been around for a while,

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you know we have three different paths.

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The first path are those that are still working on themselves.

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Path two are the people that are single and mingling and want more

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practical help with dating and relationships.

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Path three are for the people that are in some sort of committed

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relationship with their partner.

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And they want to navigate that.

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And so path three is focused on that, but we're all paths together.

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And we actually invited our phase two ladies to come over and join us

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tonight as well.

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They're in their love story accelerator phase,

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the last year single program,

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because we think that this topic is so important.

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Okay. So we are doing a series, so to speak on attachment.

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Attachment theory is something that has become very popular over the

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last few years.

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And it's something that I think is so important.

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And I think everything has to come back to heartwork for me,

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because honestly, I think that that is really what it's about.

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And you can slap whatever name you want on it, whether it's love languages,

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whether it's attachment styles, whether it's any a gram,

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whether it doesn't matter what it is.

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It's all going to come back to heartwork. And what do I mean by that?

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This is what I mean.

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I mean that.

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We have all been separated from our identity.

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And so I'm going to talk a little bit more about that tonight.

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And in order for us to have vibrant relationships,

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which is what we were created to do.

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It is what we've been created for.

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The primary reason that you're on this earth is for relationship.

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And in order to have those.

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We have to have them in the finished work of the cross.

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You have to have them on the other side of Calvary.

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Okay.

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We have to have them in the finished work of the cross.

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We have to have them in the finished work of the cross.

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The cross is broken and we have to have them with a full tool belt.

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Full of identity tools.

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Nobody came out of the box.

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No matter how great your origin family is.

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Nobody came out of the box.

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Without having to learn without having issues that they have to D

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And so for me,

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it always comes back to hard work and it always is probably going to

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come back to hard work.

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So we're going to dig into.

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Some more attachment stuff tonight.

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From the lens of hard work.

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And what it looks like.

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No matter what.

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I want you to think about how you can,

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how you can in the future have vibrant relationships from this night

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forward.

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Does everybody want that? Do you want to stop sabotaging?

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Your relationships.

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And not just your romantic relationships,

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although that's why all of you are here.

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But also all of your relationships,

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your relationship with your parents, your relationship,

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your children, your grandchildren.

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Your relationship with friends.

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With other members of your family, with colleagues.

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Your relationship with community.

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All of the avoidant attachers were really happy that COVID happened

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because they finally got to be what they always wanted to be.

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And that's alone.

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Okay.

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Sorry, not sorry.

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Want to be alone.

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Right.

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Want to be alone when you want to be alone,

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but then when you want companionship,

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you'll just come and rub up against someone's leg for two seconds.

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Just to get your little fix. And then you're gone again.

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And some of you can relate to that.

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I think it's important to know that you are the person in the relationship

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that's like that.

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You are the person in the relationship that's like that.

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And as a, I mean,

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we're going to talk about how to change our attachment styles and how does

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that happen in.

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Just in a nutshell, it's called hard work.

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Like Jackie, how many times are you going to say hard work tonight?

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Probably another thousand times.

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Okay.

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Because that's really what it is all about.

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Okay. For all you people that are hooked on psychology,

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I'm going to say a few things that are outside of the handbook of that.

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Remember I went to college to be a psychologist.

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That is my educational background.

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And a lot of it.

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Is.

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Excuses.

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Instead of doing hard work.

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And so I know that people don't have those tools,

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but they need to be given those tools.

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And that's why we're all here together tonight to do that.

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All right. So.

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Okay.

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Did everyone take the quiz? Can I see the hands of everyone?

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Put your little avatar hand up.

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Your little yellow avatar hand.

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Some of you have made it your own skin tone and that's great,

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but let's see all those hands.

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All hands should be up right now.

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If not go back to your Facebook group quickly and do your little quiz.

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If you're in phase three, it's there.

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take you all of six minutes to complete it.

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So go do that.

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Go do it, go do it, go do it.

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Right, so there really are, in the science of attachment,

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there are four different attachment theories.

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You guys, this started out as psychology for children,

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right, this started out, attachment style is something

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that they were using to study children

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and how they are able to attach to their caregivers,

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right, or not attach to their caregivers.

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And there were several studies that were done,

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and that's where all this comes out of,

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this is what it all stems from.

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And so there really are four different attachment styles,

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but that quiz is only going to show you a result

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for three of those.

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And the reason why is because the fourth one

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is a hybrid of two of the others,

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and we'll discuss that tonight, okay?

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All right, okay, so I'm just gonna give you

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a brief synopsis of the three that your test

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could give you a result of very quickly.

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Secure attachment.

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Guys, secure attached people, first of all,

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I don't want you to get it twisted.

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They're not necessarily the friendliest people,

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they're not the nicest people.

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I know we think, oh, they're secure,

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that means they're just wonderful, amazing people,

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and they're warm and loving and great, it's not true.

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Okay, secure attachment looks different on everyone.

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It just means that they can give

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and receive love in relationship.

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It doesn't mean that they want to have relationship

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with everyone, it doesn't mean they're extroverted,

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it doesn't mean they're gregarious,

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it doesn't say anything about personality type,

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it just means that when they are in relationship,

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they can give and receive love,

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they feel comfortable expressing their feelings,

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and they also feel comfortable allowing someone else

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to express their feelings to them, right?

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They are vulnerable for the most part.

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I feel like everyone runs into glass ceiling

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with vulnerability, but they're vulnerable for the most part

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they're able to receive feedback,

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they're able to change course if necessary

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on their side of the street, so to speak,

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and that is basically a synopsis of attachment

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as far as secure.

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And then anxious, which is one of the other three results

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that you could have gotten, that approach to relationship

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comes from a place of fear of rejection or abandonment.

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That is where that attachment style

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comes from an origin of the fear

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of rejection or abandonment.

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And a lot of times, someone who is operating

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in an anxious attachment style will,

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they don't know they're doing this necessarily,

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sometimes you know you're doing it,

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but they will use a lot of tools like manipulation,

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maybe even seduction to try to keep the interest

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of that other person.

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And I'm talking, of course, in a romantic relationship,

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because you can have anxious attachment

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that affects all of your relationships,

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your friendships, you're the friend that people call needy,

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you need too much attention, you're really sensitive,

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you get offended easily,

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you always think everyone's leaving you out

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or talking about you, you're preoccupied

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with being abandoned.

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So you're also preoccupied with relationship,

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especially a romantic relationship.

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If you have an anxious attachment style,

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you usually are preoccupied with romantic relationship

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and you don't feel complete if you're not in one.

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A lot of times you may think things like,

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what's wrong with me?

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Why doesn't anyone like me?

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You're always catastrophizing

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how other people feel about you, worst case scenario, right?

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And of course, you guys, this is on a spectrum.

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You could have got anxious as your result

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and you're like, you know, I might be like that mildly

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or every once in a while, but it's not that bad, Jackie.

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Well, right, because I'm giving you the full spectrum

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of what that looks like, right?

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So you have issues with acceptance

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or believing that you're accepted.

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You're not secure within yourself,

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therefore you're always looking for someone else

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to provide you with that self-esteem

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by giving you attention or giving you love, all right?

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And then the avoidance,

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and the avoidance always get the bad rap.

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It's like, oh, these are narcissists.

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You guys, come on.

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And I want to say one thing.

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There are so many people

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that we describe as narcissists nowadays,

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and a lot of them might actually be avoided and attached.

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We just think they're narcissists because they act like,

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they seem like they don't care,

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like they're almost sociopathic.

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And the reason why is because of this.

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This relationship attachment style

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is also coming from the fear, a fear,

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but it's the fear of being controlled, okay?

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People that deal with avoidance in relationships,

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they're avoiding losing their independence

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or being controlled or being manipulated.

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In fact, they usually equate intimacy,

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like intimacy with the loss of intimacy.

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dependents, like those two things are tethered in their mind.

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And that's why these are the kind of people who, um, they have,

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when we'll get, we're going to, we're going to dig into what all this

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looks like as we go forward.

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All right.

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So those are the short little brief blurbs about what your result could have been.

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And then of course, the one that we didn't include on the quiz is

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the anxious avoidant hybrid.

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The anxious avoidant hybrid, because you could be a hybrid of all these

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attachment styles, depending on who the relationship is with.

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Okay.

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Especially for those of you that have some mommy or daddy wounds, you know,

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you might, you might have some avoidant attachment with people that give off a

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mom or dad vibe, like authority figures, pastors, you might find with other

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people, but you might in those categories, people that, you know, this has happened

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to me a lot because I give off a very strong authoritative, like mother sort of

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vibe.

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I've had people come into my programs all, all throughout my teaching history

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of 27 years and just get a massive, like avoidance of me.

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Like I walk in the room, they walk out of the room.

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They'll come and they'll sit under my teaching and different things, but they

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don't want to get to know me or get close to me because they're there have avoidance

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with the whole mom vibe.

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Right.

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And so that could happen too.

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So the anxious avoidance hybrid is you approach with anxiety, needing and

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wanting attention or assurance affirmation.

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But then when you get it, you don't want it anymore.

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Right.

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So when you get, when you get the relationship you want, you're not sure if

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you want it anymore.

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Then you begin to, when things get too intimate or too deep, then you start to

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pull away.

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And so you guys, unfortunately, a lot of anxious attachments and avoidant

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attachments gravitate towards each other because these would be polar opposite

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00:12:03.760 --> 00:12:07.240
kind of gravitations, you know, opposites attract, but they don't cohabitate.

262
00:12:08.320 --> 00:12:13.320
And the anxious avoidant trap is something you definitely want to avoid.

263
00:12:13.640 --> 00:12:19.600
You want, you want to avoid the avoidant anxious hybrid of coming together.

264
00:12:19.800 --> 00:12:24.920
So if you got anxious on your quiz, you definitely don't want to get into

265
00:12:24.920 --> 00:12:29.960
relationship with an avoidance because if you do, you're going to make each other

266
00:12:29.960 --> 00:12:30.520
works.

267
00:12:32.320 --> 00:12:32.480
Okay.

268
00:12:32.480 --> 00:12:35.120
The more you try to get, get, get them, the more they're going to pull, pull,

269
00:12:35.120 --> 00:12:35.600
pull away.

270
00:12:35.600 --> 00:12:37.240
The more that you're going to try to get, get, get them.

271
00:12:37.240 --> 00:12:38.560
You understand what's going to happen here.

272
00:12:38.560 --> 00:12:40.760
It's just going to be, it's going to be a match made in hell.

273
00:12:42.520 --> 00:12:48.160
And I know because I was, I was married with that, that duo.

274
00:12:48.480 --> 00:12:52.520
My first marriage was that combination, anxious and avoided.

275
00:12:55.120 --> 00:12:56.160
It's bad too.

276
00:12:56.720 --> 00:13:00.920
And it's really bad because avoidance have a tendency to give you just enough to

277
00:13:00.920 --> 00:13:03.640
keep you coming, coming, coming if you're anxious.

278
00:13:03.960 --> 00:13:05.560
And so we call that breadcrumbing.

279
00:13:05.880 --> 00:13:10.760
And I know that people almost always associate that with narcissism because

280
00:13:10.760 --> 00:13:11.600
it's not true.

281
00:13:12.480 --> 00:13:13.120
It's not true.

282
00:13:13.400 --> 00:13:16.600
So people ask me one question before we get into your results.

283
00:13:16.600 --> 00:13:18.360
People ask me one question everywhere.

284
00:13:18.360 --> 00:13:20.360
I go every single event.

285
00:13:20.360 --> 00:13:24.960
I go to every time I speak somewhere, every time I meet singles in person or go

286
00:13:24.960 --> 00:13:28.080
to an event or just meet someone who's single just in general.

287
00:13:28.080 --> 00:13:29.120
And they know what I do.

288
00:13:29.120 --> 00:13:30.520
And they start asking me questions.

289
00:13:30.760 --> 00:13:34.840
I get one question over and over and over and over and over again.

290
00:13:35.040 --> 00:13:36.480
Does anyone want to guess what it is?

291
00:13:37.360 --> 00:13:39.560
Does anybody want to guess what it is?

292
00:13:40.280 --> 00:13:43.760
The question that I get that I've had at least a thousand times.

293
00:13:44.800 --> 00:13:45.800
You're attached with style.

294
00:13:47.360 --> 00:13:49.520
It's a good guess because that's what we're talking about right now.

295
00:13:50.200 --> 00:13:52.480
How do you know if you're dating a narcissist?

296
00:13:53.520 --> 00:13:54.760
That's that's up on the list.

297
00:13:54.760 --> 00:13:56.680
And then Aaron Joyce says, do you have a husband for me?

298
00:13:56.680 --> 00:13:57.720
I get asked that a lot too.

299
00:13:57.720 --> 00:13:59.000
These are all great answers.

300
00:13:59.000 --> 00:14:01.800
You guys, there's the men never asked me if I have a husband.

301
00:14:01.800 --> 00:14:02.560
I'm like, I don't know.

302
00:14:02.560 --> 00:14:03.080
I don't know.

303
00:14:03.080 --> 00:14:03.520
I don't know.

304
00:14:03.520 --> 00:14:03.960
I don't know.

305
00:14:03.960 --> 00:14:04.360
I don't know.

306
00:14:05.240 --> 00:14:08.040
There's the men never asked me if I have a wife for them, but the women

307
00:14:08.040 --> 00:14:09.880
always ask me, do you have a husband for me?

308
00:14:09.920 --> 00:14:10.360
Right.

309
00:14:10.720 --> 00:14:12.120
Um, okay.

310
00:14:12.120 --> 00:14:17.200
So the question is why are so many people still single?

311
00:14:20.200 --> 00:14:23.400
That is the question that I get asked more than any other question.

312
00:14:23.400 --> 00:14:26.040
Even some of these great, wonderful questions.

313
00:14:26.880 --> 00:14:27.600
That is the question.

314
00:14:27.600 --> 00:14:28.720
I can't see the chat right now.

315
00:14:28.720 --> 00:14:31.200
So some of you might've put the correct answer in there, but I can't

316
00:14:31.200 --> 00:14:32.600
see it because I'm on my iPad.

317
00:14:32.920 --> 00:14:39.880
Why are so many Christian people still single?

318
00:14:40.360 --> 00:14:44.880
And my co-host, if you could help keep everyone muted, that would be great.

319
00:14:45.520 --> 00:14:46.040
All right.

320
00:14:46.640 --> 00:14:48.960
Why, why, why, why, why, why?

321
00:14:49.320 --> 00:14:52.720
And the answer to that is not narcissism.

322
00:14:54.400 --> 00:14:54.600
All right.

323
00:14:54.600 --> 00:14:56.120
It's not attachment style.

324
00:14:57.320 --> 00:15:00.040
It's not, um, any aggram.

325
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:04.160
or love languages, the answer to that is simply this.

326
00:15:04.160 --> 00:15:07.240
Write it down, circle it 50 times.

327
00:15:07.240 --> 00:15:09.680
The answer to that is the curse.

328
00:15:10.880 --> 00:15:14.720
The curse, you guys, that is the answer to that.

329
00:15:14.720 --> 00:15:17.680
Why are so many Christian people single?

330
00:15:17.680 --> 00:15:19.980
Simply the curse.

331
00:15:20.940 --> 00:15:22.500
God told Adam and Eve in the garden,

332
00:15:22.500 --> 00:15:25.120
because of what's happened here,

333
00:15:25.120 --> 00:15:29.980
the relationship between my creation and itself,

334
00:15:29.980 --> 00:15:32.020
the family that God wanted,

335
00:15:32.020 --> 00:15:34.040
because all God ever wanted was a family.

336
00:15:34.040 --> 00:15:35.700
Don't ever believe anything different.

337
00:15:35.700 --> 00:15:37.640
The only reason that you're on this earth right now

338
00:15:37.640 --> 00:15:38.840
is for relationship.

339
00:15:38.840 --> 00:15:41.120
There is no other reason to be here.

340
00:15:41.120 --> 00:15:43.640
There's no other reason that you're here.

341
00:15:43.640 --> 00:15:45.200
You're here because God wanted a family

342
00:15:45.200 --> 00:15:48.780
and he created a family for the purpose of relationship.

343
00:15:49.820 --> 00:15:52.700
That is why, okay?

344
00:15:52.700 --> 00:15:56.820
And so he told them, this is going to change that.

345
00:15:56.820 --> 00:15:59.260
You're not going to see yourself the same.

346
00:15:59.260 --> 00:16:00.560
You're not gonna see me the same.

347
00:16:00.560 --> 00:16:02.500
You're not gonna see each other the same.

348
00:16:02.500 --> 00:16:04.340
So the curse didn't just separate us from God,

349
00:16:04.340 --> 00:16:06.940
it separated us from ourselves, our own identity,

350
00:16:06.940 --> 00:16:08.540
as masculine and the feminine,

351
00:16:08.540 --> 00:16:10.140
as sons and daughters of God.

352
00:16:11.380 --> 00:16:14.080
It also separated us from each other.

353
00:16:15.840 --> 00:16:19.260
It put wedges in between us.

354
00:16:19.260 --> 00:16:20.620
It put distrust.

355
00:16:20.620 --> 00:16:24.700
It brought in, the curse brought in dis, D-I-S.

356
00:16:24.700 --> 00:16:26.660
And for those of you that have heard me do this teaching

357
00:16:26.660 --> 00:16:30.740
in my challenges, I'm gonna reiterate it tonight.

358
00:16:30.740 --> 00:16:33.620
It brought in D-I-S, dis.

359
00:16:33.620 --> 00:16:36.100
What are some words that start with dis?

360
00:16:36.100 --> 00:16:40.600
Disconnection, distrust, disappointment, disapproval,

361
00:16:40.600 --> 00:16:45.600
distance, distance between us, disdain, disinheritance,

362
00:16:46.600 --> 00:16:51.600
disallowed, disease, dis-ease, disillusion.

363
00:16:54.600 --> 00:16:55.680
Put some more.

364
00:16:55.680 --> 00:16:56.520
Do you have any more?

365
00:16:56.520 --> 00:16:58.440
Go ahead and put those in the comments.

366
00:17:15.599 --> 00:17:16.440
All right.

367
00:17:26.839 --> 00:17:30.040
All right, those are some good ones, dist.

368
00:17:30.040 --> 00:17:31.800
Someone just straight up said dist.

369
00:17:33.080 --> 00:17:36.960
Yeah, dis, dis, dis, dis, dis.

370
00:17:36.960 --> 00:17:40.200
Guys, let's not be talking about any attachment stuff.

371
00:17:40.200 --> 00:17:42.600
I'm gonna do the teaching tonight, you're not, all right?

372
00:17:42.600 --> 00:17:44.760
So focus on what I'm gonna say,

373
00:17:44.760 --> 00:17:47.360
and I don't want any junior psychologists

374
00:17:47.360 --> 00:17:49.840
in the comments tonight putting up anything

375
00:17:49.840 --> 00:17:51.120
about anything else, all right?

376
00:17:51.120 --> 00:17:53.880
We're gonna stay focused right here, right here.

377
00:17:53.880 --> 00:17:55.680
And then we're gonna go on breakout sessions,

378
00:17:55.680 --> 00:17:58.440
and you can show everybody what you know there, all right?

379
00:17:58.440 --> 00:18:01.880
Cool, all right, cool.

380
00:18:01.880 --> 00:18:04.620
Distraction, could you guys see me as a college professor?

381
00:18:04.620 --> 00:18:06.600
I could definitely see myself as a college professor.

382
00:18:06.600 --> 00:18:10.000
I'm like, look, we're gonna have fun,

383
00:18:10.000 --> 00:18:11.400
but you're also gonna listen to me.

384
00:18:11.440 --> 00:18:16.080
Okay, all right, because God wants to talk to us tonight,

385
00:18:16.080 --> 00:18:18.160
because this is life-changing if you want it to be.

386
00:18:18.160 --> 00:18:19.880
This is a whole nother layer of heart work,

387
00:18:19.880 --> 00:18:22.160
and we talk about this, we touch on this

388
00:18:22.160 --> 00:18:24.320
during the first phase of this program.

389
00:18:24.320 --> 00:18:25.880
And for those that really focus

390
00:18:25.880 --> 00:18:28.120
on the first phase of their program,

391
00:18:28.120 --> 00:18:30.840
they really get breakthrough in these areas.

392
00:18:30.840 --> 00:18:32.880
They're able to come into places where,

393
00:18:32.880 --> 00:18:34.240
I'm not saying that you're gonna switch

394
00:18:34.240 --> 00:18:37.200
from your attachment style to secure attachment,

395
00:18:37.200 --> 00:18:41.000
but what does happen is you are able to recognize

396
00:18:41.600 --> 00:18:44.320
and be self-aware of where you need

397
00:18:44.320 --> 00:18:49.160
to change your reactions to things, right?

398
00:18:50.040 --> 00:18:51.240
That's what happens.

399
00:18:52.760 --> 00:18:54.440
Okay, so we're gonna go ahead

400
00:18:54.440 --> 00:18:56.400
and put up our results from our quiz.

401
00:18:56.400 --> 00:18:57.680
Everyone put your results up.

402
00:18:57.680 --> 00:19:00.000
What did you get in the quiz in the chat?

403
00:19:41.280 --> 00:19:42.120
Boo!

404
00:19:56.440 --> 00:20:00.360
All right, lots of avoidance, lots of anxiety-

405
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:03.200
There's a couple secures thrown in there for good measure.

406
00:20:19.000 --> 00:20:27.920
Okay, for those of you that didn't do the quiz it's right there just pinned in the beginning of the featured section of your group so go ahead and get it do it.

407
00:20:28.920 --> 00:20:31.120
It'll take you just a few minutes do it while we're on here.

408
00:20:32.400 --> 00:20:51.040
Alright, so you guys if we were going to divide attachment style by gender lines of what we really think and what we think society thinks based on the movies and the music and all the different things we watch most people would have a tendency to believe that masculine equals avoidance.

409
00:20:52.040 --> 00:20:58.040
That men have avoidant attachment style. Most men, right, and that's not true.

410
00:20:59.040 --> 00:21:11.040
But we think of that right we think of aloof we think of the James Dean type of guy doesn't want to commit doesn't want to settle down wants to pollinate all the flowers, not just one.

411
00:21:12.040 --> 00:21:26.040
It's true, because modern media and society, show us that, and then a lot of us have personal experiences. It's not just the caregivers in our lives but a lot of you may have run into men that seem dismissive.

412
00:21:27.040 --> 00:21:36.040
I know during my challenges women would always say they think men only want one thing, and I know that they want to, they want sex and food, not just sex but food as well.

413
00:21:37.040 --> 00:21:47.040
Right, but a lot of women believe this kind of stuff they believe that men, they don't want to make a heart connection they only want to make a physical connection and guys if you're here, I'm not saying that's true I'm saying this is what we believe is true.

414
00:21:48.040 --> 00:22:00.040
And that would be an avoidant attachment right, but it's not true. That's not the definition of avoidant attachment you know that true avoidant attachment actually shies away from physical intimacy.

415
00:22:02.040 --> 00:22:03.040
They don't want to get entangled.

416
00:22:04.040 --> 00:22:10.040
So a true avoidant attachment isn't someone who as my kids say in high school hump you and dump you.

417
00:22:11.040 --> 00:22:19.040
That's not, that's not what that is a true avoidant attachment doesn't want to get emotionally or physically attached.

418
00:22:20.040 --> 00:22:31.040
So, I actually know a guy who has classic avoidant attachment, and he actually is in his 40s and has never kissed a woman he's very handsome he's very successful.

419
00:22:32.040 --> 00:22:39.040
He's had relationships and he those relationships have never gotten physical. In fact, for years people even thought secretly that he might be gay.

420
00:22:39.040 --> 00:22:49.040
Whispered about him in the background, but that's not the truth. The truth is is that he is very, very much avoidantly attached.

421
00:22:50.040 --> 00:22:58.040
That is very high on the spectrum. And I feel like a lot of us, regardless of what you got as the answer to that quiz.

422
00:22:59.040 --> 00:23:03.040
You're somewhere on the spectrum of that thing. And it's going to look different on everybody.

423
00:23:03.040 --> 00:23:09.040
But if we were going to divide it by gender lines, we're going to be honest with ourselves we think okay men have avoidant attachment and then what?

424
00:23:10.040 --> 00:23:18.040
We think that the opposite is true of women. Women are the anxious attachers, right? Pick me, pick me, pick me, I need a man, I want a man, pick me.

425
00:23:19.040 --> 00:23:26.040
Right, the pick me girls, you guys, that's actually a thing. If you're not aware of that, once again, my kids that are in their 20s or millennials.

426
00:23:27.040 --> 00:23:35.040
They have gotten me, you know, all of the information of what's going on out there. And they're like, man, don't be a pick me girl.

427
00:23:36.040 --> 00:23:40.040
And I'm like, what's that mean? And then they told me the girl that's always like, hey, I'll do whatever you want. I'll be whatever you want.

428
00:23:41.040 --> 00:23:45.040
You want this? I'll be that. I'll do anything for you. Those are the pick me girls, right?

429
00:23:46.040 --> 00:23:51.040
So if we're being honest, we believe that that's true. That men are avoidant and women are anxious, but that is not true.

430
00:23:51.040 --> 00:23:57.040
Those are stereotypes that are not true at all. There's many men that are very far from being avoided.

431
00:23:58.040 --> 00:24:06.040
They communicate freely. They are loving. They're affectionate. My husband is one of those men. They don't retreat during conflict.

432
00:24:07.040 --> 00:24:12.040
They're consistently there for their partner. Some of you might believe that men are avoided because you had an emotionally unavailable father.

433
00:24:13.040 --> 00:24:20.040
The men in your life have just been, they've been there physically maybe, but emotionally completely unavailable, right? Or inconsistent.

434
00:24:21.040 --> 00:24:30.040
So consistency is something that we really put to secure attachment, consistency, reliability, those types of things.

435
00:24:31.040 --> 00:24:35.040
And then of course, women in their anxious attachment styles, we think that women are like that.

436
00:24:36.040 --> 00:24:41.040
Because they're always pining away over a man that's left them or trying to get his attention any, by any means possible.

437
00:24:42.040 --> 00:24:48.040
Manipulation, deception, seduction, the whole revenge body thing in culture.

438
00:24:49.040 --> 00:24:52.040
If you guys don't know what that is, that's like when your boyfriend breaks up with you, you get a hot body.

439
00:24:53.040 --> 00:25:00.040
You get revenge by going out and showing him what he's missing. That's fully a, a, a media thing.

440
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:02.880
a thing that's focused on feminine.

441
00:25:02.880 --> 00:25:06.200
You don't really hear about men getting a revenge body.

442
00:25:06.200 --> 00:25:08.640
It's women that they think do that, right?

443
00:25:08.640 --> 00:25:10.280
And so do you see how we've been brainwashed

444
00:25:10.280 --> 00:25:11.680
to think this kind of stuff?

445
00:25:13.560 --> 00:25:15.200
We've been brainwashed to think it.

446
00:25:15.200 --> 00:25:17.960
Now, do the numbers show that there are more men

447
00:25:17.960 --> 00:25:19.600
that are avoidant than women?

448
00:25:19.600 --> 00:25:20.440
Yes.

449
00:25:20.440 --> 00:25:21.800
And do the numbers show that there are more women

450
00:25:21.800 --> 00:25:23.000
that are anxious than men?

451
00:25:23.000 --> 00:25:23.920
Yes.

452
00:25:23.920 --> 00:25:26.960
But we can't divide it by gender lines

453
00:25:26.960 --> 00:25:29.960
because there are men and women that are secure attachment

454
00:25:30.000 --> 00:25:31.520
and there are men that are anxious.

455
00:25:31.520 --> 00:25:33.080
There are women that are avoidant.

456
00:25:33.080 --> 00:25:36.680
I actually am a recovering avoidant attachment,

457
00:25:36.680 --> 00:25:37.560
believe it or not.

458
00:25:40.040 --> 00:25:42.760
And some people would say I haven't recovered a lot.

459
00:25:46.960 --> 00:25:49.280
But, and the people that would say that

460
00:25:49.280 --> 00:25:51.560
are not the people that are in deep intimacy with me,

461
00:25:51.560 --> 00:25:53.120
like my husband and my children.

462
00:25:53.120 --> 00:25:56.160
They're more people like friends, like community.

463
00:25:56.160 --> 00:25:59.280
I can definitely be a very aloof friend,

464
00:26:00.640 --> 00:26:03.600
someone who doesn't call you a lot or doesn't talk to you

465
00:26:03.600 --> 00:26:08.600
or doesn't seem to need a lot of friendship

466
00:26:08.680 --> 00:26:13.120
because I have some wounds in that area, right?

467
00:26:13.120 --> 00:26:15.360
And so that's what important for us to understand

468
00:26:15.360 --> 00:26:19.520
is that the area of your attachment issues

469
00:26:19.520 --> 00:26:21.160
that you're gonna start to deal with

470
00:26:21.160 --> 00:26:24.760
and have heart work around usually come from something.

471
00:26:24.760 --> 00:26:26.000
They usually come from a trauma.

472
00:26:26.840 --> 00:26:29.360
Remember, because trauma doesn't just hurt us, it what?

473
00:26:30.280 --> 00:26:31.920
Trauma doesn't just hurt us, it?

474
00:26:33.960 --> 00:26:35.800
Changes our identity.

475
00:26:35.800 --> 00:26:37.000
Helps us.

476
00:26:37.000 --> 00:26:38.920
Trauma identity.

477
00:26:38.920 --> 00:26:40.200
Heals us.

478
00:26:40.200 --> 00:26:42.280
Creates different versions of ourselves.

479
00:26:42.280 --> 00:26:44.720
Yes, creates a different version of us.

480
00:26:44.720 --> 00:26:46.680
Yes, thank you, thank you.

481
00:26:46.680 --> 00:26:47.920
Trauma doesn't just hurt us,

482
00:26:47.920 --> 00:26:50.440
it creates different versions of us.

483
00:26:50.440 --> 00:26:52.400
That is what I was going for.

484
00:26:52.400 --> 00:26:54.240
All of you said things that are correct,

485
00:26:54.240 --> 00:26:55.840
but that is what I was going for.

486
00:26:56.680 --> 00:26:57.800
So the different versions of us

487
00:26:57.800 --> 00:27:02.800
are these attachment styles that are causing us harm,

488
00:27:03.280 --> 00:27:04.120
that are hurting us,

489
00:27:04.120 --> 00:27:06.800
that are sabotaging what God wanted for us

490
00:27:06.800 --> 00:27:09.520
when he thought of us and created us.

491
00:27:09.520 --> 00:27:13.520
And that is he wants us to be secure and happy

492
00:27:13.520 --> 00:27:15.440
and healthy in relationship.

493
00:27:15.440 --> 00:27:16.520
Do you believe that?

494
00:27:18.240 --> 00:27:19.280
Do you believe that?

495
00:27:19.280 --> 00:27:22.000
And that's not just with healthy people.

496
00:27:22.000 --> 00:27:24.520
All of you that test that as secure attachments,

497
00:27:24.520 --> 00:27:25.480
guess what?

498
00:27:26.120 --> 00:27:27.400
The chances of you getting into a marriage

499
00:27:27.400 --> 00:27:30.040
with another secure, they're slim to none.

500
00:27:30.040 --> 00:27:32.840
You're definitely gonna pick an avoidant or an anxious.

501
00:27:33.760 --> 00:27:35.280
Because they're not bad people.

502
00:27:36.160 --> 00:27:37.600
They're not bad people.

503
00:27:37.600 --> 00:27:39.600
Which when it comes to relationship,

504
00:27:39.600 --> 00:27:41.840
they're just gonna have to be more self-aware.

505
00:27:41.840 --> 00:27:46.040
They're gonna have to see when they're doing what they do

506
00:27:46.040 --> 00:27:48.440
to sabotage the relationship.

507
00:27:48.440 --> 00:27:49.720
They're gonna have to be self-aware.

508
00:27:49.720 --> 00:27:52.160
They're gonna have to do their hard work.

509
00:27:52.160 --> 00:27:53.000
Cool?

510
00:27:54.080 --> 00:27:54.920
Right?

511
00:27:55.240 --> 00:27:56.080
Good.

512
00:27:56.080 --> 00:27:58.480
Okay, so attachment style forms in childhood,

513
00:27:58.480 --> 00:28:01.520
for sure it does with our primary caregivers,

514
00:28:01.520 --> 00:28:04.760
but it can change over time.

515
00:28:04.760 --> 00:28:06.480
And it can actually change from something good

516
00:28:06.480 --> 00:28:08.440
to something not good.

517
00:28:08.440 --> 00:28:10.920
Not just from something not good to something good.

518
00:28:10.920 --> 00:28:12.520
It can go the opposite direction too.

519
00:28:12.520 --> 00:28:14.600
Maybe you had a really secure upbringing,

520
00:28:14.600 --> 00:28:17.160
felt really loved and safe in your family.

521
00:28:17.160 --> 00:28:18.480
Then you got out in the real world

522
00:28:18.480 --> 00:28:20.280
and you pick some not so good people

523
00:28:20.280 --> 00:28:21.560
to be in relationship with,

524
00:28:21.560 --> 00:28:23.680
and you got broken and you got distrustful.

525
00:28:23.680 --> 00:28:25.080
Did that happen to anybody?

526
00:28:27.480 --> 00:28:28.320
And then you're like,

527
00:28:28.320 --> 00:28:29.960
ooh, I don't know if I ever wanna even be

528
00:28:29.960 --> 00:28:33.520
in relationship again because people are scary.

529
00:28:33.520 --> 00:28:34.520
People are scary.

530
00:28:38.040 --> 00:28:38.880
Okay.

531
00:28:38.880 --> 00:28:40.120
Yes.

532
00:28:40.120 --> 00:28:41.240
All right.

533
00:28:41.240 --> 00:28:43.320
So the curse affects everyone differently, you guys,

534
00:28:43.320 --> 00:28:44.880
but that is the answer to the question.

535
00:28:44.880 --> 00:28:46.720
That is why so many people are single,

536
00:28:46.720 --> 00:28:48.880
because of the curse and because of that dis.

537
00:28:48.880 --> 00:28:49.720
But guess what?

538
00:28:49.720 --> 00:28:50.560
Jesus came.

539
00:28:50.600 --> 00:28:53.880
Jesus already came a long time ago to reconnect us,

540
00:28:53.880 --> 00:28:56.240
to give us the ministry of re.

541
00:28:56.240 --> 00:29:00.440
So curse brought dis, the cross brought re, R-E.

542
00:29:00.440 --> 00:29:01.720
And that is what?

543
00:29:01.720 --> 00:29:06.720
It's reconciliation, it's relationship, it's revival,

544
00:29:06.720 --> 00:29:11.640
it's reconnection, it's recalibration.

545
00:29:11.640 --> 00:29:12.960
I wrote down a whole bunch of rewords.

546
00:29:12.960 --> 00:29:15.240
Go ahead and put in the chat your rewords.

547
00:29:15.240 --> 00:29:20.240
R-E, redemption, so good.

548
00:29:20.320 --> 00:29:21.920
Yes.

549
00:29:21.920 --> 00:29:23.640
Renewal, love it.

550
00:29:23.640 --> 00:29:26.040
Rehabilitate, recreation, reunite.

551
00:29:26.040 --> 00:29:26.880
Yes.

552
00:29:26.880 --> 00:29:29.120
Reunion is an important word.

553
00:29:29.120 --> 00:29:31.840
Restoration, for sure, for sure.

554
00:29:31.840 --> 00:29:34.160
Reclaimed, love it.

555
00:29:34.160 --> 00:29:36.280
Recompense, renew, redo.

556
00:29:37.160 --> 00:29:38.000
Get a redo.

557
00:29:38.000 --> 00:29:38.840
Who wants a redo?

558
00:29:38.840 --> 00:29:40.240
Yes, yes, yes, yes.

559
00:29:40.240 --> 00:29:41.200
All the things.

560
00:29:42.960 --> 00:29:44.200
All the things.

561
00:29:47.720 --> 00:29:48.760
Restitution.

562
00:29:48.760 --> 00:29:50.560
Yes, that's a real good word.

563
00:29:50.560 --> 00:29:51.720
We actually have that word.

564
00:29:51.720 --> 00:29:55.760
We released that word over the community two years ago.

565
00:29:55.760 --> 00:29:58.280
And a lot of people saw that restitution

566
00:29:58.280 --> 00:29:59.640
happening in their lives.

567
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:05.000
Reconcile. Yes. All right.

568
00:30:05.000 --> 00:30:08.000
All right.

569
00:30:08.000 --> 00:30:16.000
Now, this is where I said that I was going to ruffle some feathers because there's a lot of information out there that's flying under the radar.

570
00:30:16.000 --> 00:30:32.000
Okay, it's coming under the banner of psychology and science of psychology and different things. And a lot of Christians have begun to have begun to adopt it and and believe it as if it's true and truth.

571
00:30:32.000 --> 00:30:44.000
And one of those things is what I call the codependency movement, or the anti codependency movement, where it's like, Oh my god, make sure you're not codependent.

572
00:30:45.000 --> 00:30:48.000
Right.

573
00:30:48.000 --> 00:30:53.000
And I'm here to tell you that it's not true.

574
00:30:53.000 --> 00:30:57.000
You're absolutely going to be codependent.

575
00:30:57.000 --> 00:31:11.000
Now codependency because, like I said, I used to be in the industry of social work and psychology, and we make up words in that industry to describe things that we need to describe clinically.

576
00:31:11.000 --> 00:31:14.000
Please listen to this. All right.

577
00:31:14.000 --> 00:31:27.000
So for instance step families, the word step stepmother stepfather, that has come to mean a lot of negative things right because a lot of times blended rhymes with offended, and when you get into a family where their steps.

578
00:31:27.000 --> 00:31:37.000
Then, those people don't treat you as well possibly maybe you have a totally different experience, but there's a reason why they call the wicked stepmother.

579
00:31:37.000 --> 00:31:39.000
That came from something.

580
00:31:39.000 --> 00:31:50.000
Okay, so I'm going to tell you clinically speaking the reason why the word step family came into existence is because as clinicians when we're dealing with families and therapy.

581
00:31:50.000 --> 00:31:57.000
We had to come up with a term to describe a non biological family.

582
00:31:57.000 --> 00:32:10.000
We had to come up with the word step family stepmother stepfather step sibling. Do you know what it stands for. It stands for one step removed from biological family.

583
00:32:10.000 --> 00:32:13.000
That's what it means.

584
00:32:13.000 --> 00:32:19.000
But in society, it means something completely different right it's like synonymous with disconnection isn't it.

585
00:32:19.000 --> 00:32:25.000
Which is why my blended family we don't use the word step. I'm nobody's stepmother. I'm your mother I'm nothing.

586
00:32:25.000 --> 00:32:34.000
Right. No one's half sibling no one's a step sibling we don't use those words to describe anything here because what we do here is we love.

587
00:32:34.000 --> 00:32:41.000
We don't use terms of disconnection, we use terms of reunion and connection.

588
00:32:41.000 --> 00:32:46.000
Okay, so codependency is one of those words.

589
00:32:46.000 --> 00:33:01.000
So codependency in the dictionary doesn't mean what society has termed it to mean. And the reason why it came to be, is it had to do with families where there was active addiction.

590
00:33:01.000 --> 00:33:08.000
Right so it's the relationship within a family where there is, you know, abuse and addiction.

591
00:33:09.000 --> 00:33:15.000
So, codependency is a synonym for interdependency.

592
00:33:15.000 --> 00:33:22.000
And I'm not sure where the word codependency came from and yeah that's not that's negative that's bad it's true.

593
00:33:22.000 --> 00:33:27.000
But you guys, do you know what a synonym.

594
00:33:27.000 --> 00:33:34.000
For those of you that don't know what a synonym is it's just another way to say the same word. It's words that mean similar things.

595
00:33:35.000 --> 00:33:41.000
Okay, so codependency is a synonym for interdependency.

596
00:33:41.000 --> 00:33:46.000
So codependency is a synonym for interdependency.

597
00:33:47.000 --> 00:33:52.000
Attached, you guys, is the synonym of codependency.

598
00:33:52.000 --> 00:33:55.000
Right, so interconnected is a synonym.

599
00:33:55.000 --> 00:34:11.000
So we have to understand that we've been created to coexist we've been created to collaborate to have community to have cohesion to be connected to have cohorts, the other word co on and on and on and on it just means to it just means coming together.

600
00:34:11.000 --> 00:34:14.000
Right, partnering.

601
00:34:14.000 --> 00:34:24.000
So if you're going to get married, you are going to be. If you look down the list of things that describe codependency you're going to be codependent.

602
00:34:24.000 --> 00:34:32.000
You're going to be codependent you guys can I share with you a scientific really quick I want to share this. There's a scientific study.

603
00:34:32.000 --> 00:34:41.000
I think this is going to just rock, rock your world. All right.

604
00:34:41.000 --> 00:34:48.000
We're going to be talking about this today guys this is not from Christianity, it's not from the Christian journal.

605
00:34:48.000 --> 00:34:59.000
It's not doesn't have anything to do with Christian anything this is from a scientific study, science, which oftentimes people think is the opposite of Christianity but it's not.

606
00:34:59.000 --> 00:35:00.000
Right.

607
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:02.120
It's a proof of science that it's true.

608
00:35:02.120 --> 00:35:03.720
That is what happens there.

609
00:35:03.720 --> 00:35:06.720
Okay, and science is the proof of Christianity is true.

610
00:35:06.720 --> 00:35:07.920
There's a codependency there

611
00:35:07.920 --> 00:35:09.800
between science and Christianity.

612
00:35:09.800 --> 00:35:11.780
All right, so let me tell you this.

613
00:35:12.920 --> 00:35:15.120
There are numerous studies that show

614
00:35:15.120 --> 00:35:17.880
that once you become attached to someone,

615
00:35:19.440 --> 00:35:21.840
all right, we're talking about in a marriage relationship.

616
00:35:21.840 --> 00:35:24.520
You know, in the Bible in Genesis where the two became one

617
00:35:24.520 --> 00:35:27.560
and none of us can really ever understand what that means.

618
00:35:27.600 --> 00:35:30.200
It means this, it means codependent,

619
00:35:30.200 --> 00:35:34.240
it means interdependent, it means attached.

620
00:35:35.840 --> 00:35:37.280
That is what it means in the Bible

621
00:35:37.280 --> 00:35:39.120
when it says the two will become as one.

622
00:35:39.120 --> 00:35:41.600
So it says here, and remember that I'm not reading

623
00:35:41.600 --> 00:35:43.160
from anything Christian right now,

624
00:35:43.160 --> 00:35:46.480
and I wrote down word for word what this study said.

625
00:35:46.480 --> 00:35:49.280
It says, once we become attached to someone,

626
00:35:49.280 --> 00:35:53.300
the two form one physiological unit.

627
00:35:54.220 --> 00:35:59.220
Physiological unit, you guys, it goes even further.

628
00:36:00.820 --> 00:36:03.460
Your partner regulates your blood pressure,

629
00:36:03.460 --> 00:36:05.020
your heart rate, your breathing,

630
00:36:05.020 --> 00:36:07.320
and the levels of hormones in your blood.

631
00:36:09.300 --> 00:36:11.520
Is this not blowing your mind right now?

632
00:36:11.520 --> 00:36:13.880
This isn't a scientific journal, y'all.

633
00:36:13.880 --> 00:36:16.860
They don't even know that they're proving Genesis 2,

634
00:36:16.860 --> 00:36:19.120
22 through 26.

635
00:36:19.120 --> 00:36:24.120
You are no longer separate entities.

636
00:36:28.480 --> 00:36:30.520
The emphasis, and then it says this,

637
00:36:30.520 --> 00:36:33.600
the emphasis on differentiation that is held

638
00:36:33.600 --> 00:36:37.240
by most of today's popular psychology approaches

639
00:36:37.240 --> 00:36:41.080
to adult relationship does not hold water

640
00:36:41.080 --> 00:36:43.720
from a biological perspective.

641
00:36:43.720 --> 00:36:48.720
Interdependency is a fact, it's not a choice or a preference.

642
00:36:49.680 --> 00:36:53.440
It's saying if you partner with someone,

643
00:36:53.440 --> 00:36:56.280
codependency and interdependency is not a choice

644
00:36:56.280 --> 00:36:58.160
or a preference that you make.

645
00:36:58.160 --> 00:37:00.280
If you truly attach to someone,

646
00:37:00.280 --> 00:37:02.560
they're gonna regulate your blood pressure.

647
00:37:02.560 --> 00:37:04.200
They're going to regulate your heart rate

648
00:37:04.200 --> 00:37:05.280
and your breathing.

649
00:37:06.160 --> 00:37:09.360
Your hormones and your bloodstream are gonna be regulated

650
00:37:09.360 --> 00:37:12.080
by this partnership and this attachment.

651
00:37:14.240 --> 00:37:15.840
Now, some of you were married before,

652
00:37:15.840 --> 00:37:17.720
but you weren't attached.

653
00:37:17.720 --> 00:37:19.360
You weren't attached to that person.

654
00:37:19.360 --> 00:37:21.360
Guys, this doesn't say cohabitation.

655
00:37:22.360 --> 00:37:25.040
It doesn't say just because you share a car note

656
00:37:25.040 --> 00:37:27.920
or the utilities that you're paying together.

657
00:37:30.160 --> 00:37:32.920
Not even sharing a bed, not even having sex,

658
00:37:32.920 --> 00:37:35.800
not even sharing offspring is talking about attachment.

659
00:37:38.040 --> 00:37:43.040
Into me see, talking about attachment.

660
00:37:48.120 --> 00:37:51.400
Okay, so here's one of the studies that they did

661
00:37:51.400 --> 00:37:53.400
that proved this, okay?

662
00:37:54.320 --> 00:37:56.520
Normally under stressful conditions,

663
00:37:56.520 --> 00:38:00.000
the hypothalamus will become activated.

664
00:38:00.000 --> 00:38:01.680
So they did this experiment.

665
00:38:01.680 --> 00:38:05.080
They left a woman alone and they told her

666
00:38:05.080 --> 00:38:08.280
that she was going to experience where she was standing,

667
00:38:08.280 --> 00:38:10.040
a mild electric shock.

668
00:38:11.080 --> 00:38:12.000
She's just standing alone,

669
00:38:12.000 --> 00:38:14.600
knowing that at some point during this experiment,

670
00:38:14.600 --> 00:38:16.600
she's gonna feel a mild electric shock.

671
00:38:18.680 --> 00:38:20.520
So as she's waiting alone,

672
00:38:22.280 --> 00:38:26.880
they have little electrodes on her to measure her stuff.

673
00:38:26.880 --> 00:38:30.280
And her hypothalamus gets activated.

674
00:38:30.280 --> 00:38:31.880
Fear gets activated, right?

675
00:38:33.640 --> 00:38:35.080
Apprehension gets activated.

676
00:38:35.080 --> 00:38:37.920
The hypothalamus starts to light up on the screen

677
00:38:37.920 --> 00:38:39.880
as she's standing there alone, waiting.

678
00:38:40.880 --> 00:38:44.880
But then they had those women wait with a stranger,

679
00:38:44.880 --> 00:38:47.200
a male companion that they don't know,

680
00:38:47.200 --> 00:38:49.080
they're just meeting for this experiment,

681
00:38:49.080 --> 00:38:50.840
and had him hold her hand,

682
00:38:52.160 --> 00:38:55.160
waiting for the shock to come.

683
00:38:55.160 --> 00:38:57.440
Because you're like, guys, you don't know when it's coming.

684
00:38:57.440 --> 00:38:58.680
And it's a mild electric shock,

685
00:38:58.680 --> 00:39:00.560
but still you guys know the apprehension you would feel

686
00:39:00.560 --> 00:39:01.920
if you're standing somewhere and you're like,

687
00:39:01.920 --> 00:39:03.480
okay, I'm gonna get shocked.

688
00:39:03.480 --> 00:39:05.040
The shock is coming, I don't know when,

689
00:39:05.040 --> 00:39:06.080
but it's coming, right?

690
00:39:06.080 --> 00:39:08.880
Okay, so they had those women wait

691
00:39:08.880 --> 00:39:10.320
for the shock to come, right?

692
00:39:10.320 --> 00:39:11.920
Okay, yes.

693
00:39:11.920 --> 00:39:14.960
Okay, and it says that the results of that

694
00:39:14.960 --> 00:39:17.640
were that the hypothalamus chilled out a little bit.

695
00:39:17.640 --> 00:39:19.040
Not a lot, but a little bit,

696
00:39:19.040 --> 00:39:22.800
just having this stranger standing there with you, right?

697
00:39:22.800 --> 00:39:24.320
So there was a little less,

698
00:39:24.320 --> 00:39:27.280
there was reduced activity in the hypothalamus during that.

699
00:39:27.280 --> 00:39:30.080
But then they had, these were all married women,

700
00:39:30.080 --> 00:39:34.000
but then they had them hold the hand of their husbands

701
00:39:34.000 --> 00:39:35.760
during this experiment.

702
00:39:35.760 --> 00:39:36.920
And guess what happened?

703
00:39:37.600 --> 00:39:40.440
The stress of the hypothalamus was barely detectable.

704
00:39:41.760 --> 00:39:44.360
It was barely detectable.

705
00:39:44.360 --> 00:39:46.480
And the people that most benefited

706
00:39:46.480 --> 00:39:49.120
from the spousal handholding or support

707
00:39:49.120 --> 00:39:51.440
were the people that also reported

708
00:39:51.440 --> 00:39:53.480
the highest marital satisfaction.

709
00:39:54.960 --> 00:39:58.280
So the people that were happily married or attached

710
00:39:58.280 --> 00:40:00.120
didn't feel the stress or the fear.

711
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:01.660
of what was coming.

712
00:40:02.620 --> 00:40:07.620
Y'all, come on, gentlemen, ladies.

713
00:40:09.640 --> 00:40:12.220
Science is proving what the book of Genesis

714
00:40:12.220 --> 00:40:15.160
already told us about how we've been created.

715
00:40:17.420 --> 00:40:19.580
Guys, we're better together.

716
00:40:19.580 --> 00:40:20.940
We need each other.

717
00:40:20.940 --> 00:40:22.740
I put on my Instagram today,

718
00:40:22.740 --> 00:40:25.520
the very first thing that you can do, ladies,

719
00:40:25.520 --> 00:40:27.480
to attract a marriage-minded man

720
00:40:27.480 --> 00:40:29.380
is to admit to yourself and to God

721
00:40:29.420 --> 00:40:33.500
that you don't just want a man, but you need one.

722
00:40:33.500 --> 00:40:34.340
You need one.

723
00:40:34.340 --> 00:40:37.100
And not in an anxious attachment type of way.

724
00:40:37.100 --> 00:40:41.700
But you need one because you've been created for this.

725
00:40:41.700 --> 00:40:42.540
Right?

726
00:40:42.540 --> 00:40:43.720
Okay. All right.

727
00:40:43.720 --> 00:40:46.580
So secure attachment, you guys,

728
00:40:46.580 --> 00:40:47.900
they're great conflict busters.

729
00:40:47.900 --> 00:40:49.220
Remember, they're not perfect people.

730
00:40:49.220 --> 00:40:50.380
You might not even like them.

731
00:40:50.380 --> 00:40:53.160
They might not even have great personalities.

732
00:40:53.160 --> 00:40:55.120
The thing that makes them securely attached

733
00:40:55.120 --> 00:40:58.540
is they don't take other people's stuff personally.

734
00:40:58.540 --> 00:40:59.860
They don't retaliate.

735
00:40:59.860 --> 00:41:03.580
They don't act defensively when their partner gets upset.

736
00:41:03.580 --> 00:41:05.260
They're mentally flexible.

737
00:41:05.260 --> 00:41:07.620
They're not threatened by criticism.

738
00:41:07.620 --> 00:41:10.060
They're willing to reconsider their ways of doing things

739
00:41:10.060 --> 00:41:11.600
if necessary change.

740
00:41:11.600 --> 00:41:13.700
They're willing to do all that stuff.

741
00:41:13.700 --> 00:41:15.600
That is what makes a secure attachment.

742
00:41:15.600 --> 00:41:17.500
So let's run through the common thoughts,

743
00:41:17.500 --> 00:41:20.220
emotions, and reactions of the avoidance

744
00:41:20.220 --> 00:41:23.260
and the anxious real quick.

745
00:41:23.260 --> 00:41:24.340
Okay?

746
00:41:24.340 --> 00:41:25.780
And go ahead and check off in your mind

747
00:41:25.780 --> 00:41:27.340
how many of these fit you

748
00:41:27.340 --> 00:41:29.780
or some version of these fit you.

749
00:41:29.780 --> 00:41:31.620
Okay. So these are common thoughts, emotions,

750
00:41:31.620 --> 00:41:34.940
and reactions of the avoidant attachment style.

751
00:41:34.940 --> 00:41:35.780
All right.

752
00:41:35.780 --> 00:41:37.700
All or nothing thinking.

753
00:41:37.700 --> 00:41:39.100
I knew they weren't right for me.

754
00:41:39.100 --> 00:41:40.180
This proves it.

755
00:41:40.180 --> 00:41:43.600
By the way, remember how we did on the very first,

756
00:41:43.600 --> 00:41:46.220
the first session in this series

757
00:41:46.220 --> 00:41:48.540
about how a lot of people don't know

758
00:41:48.540 --> 00:41:50.580
if this is the right person.

759
00:41:50.580 --> 00:41:53.180
They don't know if this is who God is choosing for them

760
00:41:53.180 --> 00:41:54.300
kind of thing.

761
00:41:54.300 --> 00:41:57.220
And they start talking themselves out of relationship.

762
00:41:58.060 --> 00:41:59.740
They start micro-focusing on the other person's flaws

763
00:41:59.740 --> 00:42:01.220
and talking themselves out of things.

764
00:42:01.220 --> 00:42:03.220
And, you know, think that there's something better out there

765
00:42:03.220 --> 00:42:06.100
or maybe God is like trying to tell them something.

766
00:42:06.100 --> 00:42:07.580
The people that are most likely

767
00:42:07.580 --> 00:42:09.500
to have those types of thoughts and feelings,

768
00:42:09.500 --> 00:42:13.920
especially the God is saying no thing are avoidance.

769
00:42:13.920 --> 00:42:17.180
They're avoidant attachment personalities.

770
00:42:17.180 --> 00:42:18.960
Okay. So all or nothing.

771
00:42:18.960 --> 00:42:20.180
I knew they weren't right for me.

772
00:42:20.180 --> 00:42:21.020
And this proves it.

773
00:42:21.020 --> 00:42:24.400
Like it has to all be good or it's all bad.

774
00:42:24.400 --> 00:42:26.380
The second that anything goes wrong,

775
00:42:26.380 --> 00:42:29.140
they start to think everything's wrong.

776
00:42:29.140 --> 00:42:31.180
They over-generalize.

777
00:42:31.180 --> 00:42:33.700
I knew I wasn't made to be in a close relationship.

778
00:42:33.700 --> 00:42:35.780
They over-generalize everything.

779
00:42:35.780 --> 00:42:37.460
They might think about someone that they're dating.

780
00:42:37.460 --> 00:42:38.900
I think they're taking over my life.

781
00:42:38.900 --> 00:42:39.820
I can't take it.

782
00:42:39.820 --> 00:42:41.020
I feel suffocated.

783
00:42:42.020 --> 00:42:43.740
I don't want to do everything their way.

784
00:42:43.740 --> 00:42:45.480
This price is too high to pay.

785
00:42:45.480 --> 00:42:46.780
I need to get out of here.

786
00:42:48.540 --> 00:42:49.940
I need to get out of here.

787
00:42:49.940 --> 00:42:51.580
Right?

788
00:42:51.580 --> 00:42:55.220
If they were the one, I wouldn't feel this way.

789
00:42:55.220 --> 00:42:56.580
This wouldn't happen.

790
00:42:56.580 --> 00:42:58.660
I would feel differently.

791
00:42:58.660 --> 00:43:00.380
When I was with some,

792
00:43:00.380 --> 00:43:02.700
a lot of times people that have avoided,

793
00:43:02.700 --> 00:43:04.540
and I used to do this really badly, you guys,

794
00:43:04.540 --> 00:43:07.700
not in this marriage, but in previous relationships,

795
00:43:07.700 --> 00:43:11.260
they have some one that got away,

796
00:43:11.260 --> 00:43:12.460
some person that got away,

797
00:43:12.460 --> 00:43:16.540
some phantom ex of theirs that they will focus on

798
00:43:16.540 --> 00:43:18.380
and romanticize in their mind.

799
00:43:18.380 --> 00:43:20.700
When I was with them, I never felt this way.

800
00:43:20.700 --> 00:43:21.540
I miss them.

801
00:43:21.540 --> 00:43:22.800
I wish I was still with them.

802
00:43:23.800 --> 00:43:26.840
Even though if you had a chance to be with them,

803
00:43:26.840 --> 00:43:27.680
you wouldn't.

804
00:43:27.680 --> 00:43:28.520
You wouldn't be with them

805
00:43:28.520 --> 00:43:30.680
because that's the reason you broke up with them

806
00:43:30.680 --> 00:43:32.000
in the first place.

807
00:43:32.000 --> 00:43:35.160
Because you avoidantly attached to them,

808
00:43:35.160 --> 00:43:38.360
and then you got rid of them or you scared them away.

809
00:43:38.360 --> 00:43:40.400
But now you're romanticizing it.

810
00:43:40.400 --> 00:43:41.400
They were perfect.

811
00:43:41.400 --> 00:43:42.720
They were amazing.

812
00:43:42.720 --> 00:43:43.640
That happens.

813
00:43:43.640 --> 00:43:45.000
Malicious intent.

814
00:43:45.000 --> 00:43:47.680
You put this on someone that you're dating,

815
00:43:47.680 --> 00:43:49.220
someone that you're trying to get to know,

816
00:43:49.220 --> 00:43:51.160
that you're in relationship with already,

817
00:43:51.200 --> 00:43:54.200
that maybe you're headed towards marriage with.

818
00:43:54.200 --> 00:43:55.040
Malicious intent.

819
00:43:55.040 --> 00:43:57.600
Something goes wrong, you think they did it on purpose.

820
00:43:57.600 --> 00:43:58.680
They're out to get you.

821
00:43:58.680 --> 00:44:00.720
They're out to annoy you.

822
00:44:00.720 --> 00:44:02.320
They're out to make you unhappy.

823
00:44:02.320 --> 00:44:05.440
They just wanna take you down.

824
00:44:05.440 --> 00:44:06.960
This isn't true love.

825
00:44:06.960 --> 00:44:09.040
Then you'll fantasize about being with someone else,

826
00:44:09.040 --> 00:44:10.360
maybe not even a phantom ex,

827
00:44:10.360 --> 00:44:13.720
but just someone else that's more compatible to you.

828
00:44:13.720 --> 00:44:15.560
There's someone else out there

829
00:44:15.560 --> 00:44:18.320
that is better for you than this person.

830
00:44:18.320 --> 00:44:21.240
And this person's keeping you from finding them.

831
00:44:22.200 --> 00:44:24.560
Or this person expresses needs and it's like,

832
00:44:24.560 --> 00:44:25.720
oh, they're so needy.

833
00:44:25.720 --> 00:44:26.560
That's gross.

834
00:44:26.560 --> 00:44:28.060
That's pathetic.

835
00:44:28.060 --> 00:44:30.800
You can't handle the neediness of somebody else.

836
00:44:30.800 --> 00:44:32.840
And you feel like you move better off on your own.

837
00:44:32.840 --> 00:44:35.720
Some of the emotions that avoidance show are withdrawal.

838
00:44:35.720 --> 00:44:36.560
They withdraw.

839
00:44:36.560 --> 00:44:37.380
They're frustrated.

840
00:44:37.380 --> 00:44:38.220
They're angry.

841
00:44:38.220 --> 00:44:39.060
They feel pressured.

842
00:44:39.060 --> 00:44:39.880
They feel trapped.

843
00:44:39.880 --> 00:44:40.720
They feel unappreciated.

844
00:44:40.720 --> 00:44:43.720
They feel misunderstood, resentful, aloof, empty, numb,

845
00:44:43.720 --> 00:44:47.020
deceived, tense, judgmental, suspicious, apathetic,

846
00:44:47.020 --> 00:44:49.700
disconnected, restless, distrustful.

847
00:44:49.700 --> 00:44:51.100
And then they might act out.

848
00:44:53.600 --> 00:44:56.340
They might make critical remarks about the other person,

849
00:44:56.340 --> 00:44:58.660
about what they don't like about that person

850
00:44:58.660 --> 00:44:59.960
or what they don't want.

851
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:03.120
They'll withdraw mentally or withdraw physically.

852
00:45:03.920 --> 00:45:07.840
They don't have to withdraw emotionally because they keep emotional sharing to a minimum

853
00:45:08.800 --> 00:45:11.680
and they minimize physical contact most of the time.

854
00:45:12.320 --> 00:45:14.880
They'll stop listening, they'll ignore, they'll stonewall.

855
00:45:14.880 --> 00:45:19.280
Do you guys know that one of the main criteria of avoidant attachment

856
00:45:19.280 --> 00:45:22.480
is you don't listen when someone else is talking to you?

857
00:45:23.520 --> 00:45:26.960
Like in relationship, you just kind of zone out.

858
00:45:26.960 --> 00:45:28.080
You're not listening.

859
00:45:28.080 --> 00:45:28.960
And you know why?

860
00:45:28.960 --> 00:45:31.120
It's not because you're disinterested.

861
00:45:31.120 --> 00:45:34.000
It's not because you're a narcissist.

862
00:45:34.000 --> 00:45:38.160
It's not because you're so self-absorbed that you can't listen to someone else talk.

863
00:45:38.160 --> 00:45:41.200
It's because communication is a lifeblood of relationship.

864
00:45:41.920 --> 00:45:46.080
And as an avoidant attached person, if you listen to that other person

865
00:45:46.080 --> 00:45:49.120
and you really listen to what they're saying and what they care about

866
00:45:49.120 --> 00:45:52.400
and how they're feeling about things and different things, you'll start attaching.

867
00:45:52.720 --> 00:45:57.680
So you zone out when they're talking to you so that you never,

868
00:45:57.680 --> 00:46:01.840
you're depersonalizing the relationship.

869
00:46:02.400 --> 00:46:03.920
You're not making it personal.

870
00:46:03.920 --> 00:46:05.120
Do you see how that works?

871
00:46:08.320 --> 00:46:09.520
See how that works?

872
00:46:09.520 --> 00:46:10.160
Okay.

873
00:46:10.160 --> 00:46:11.840
So let's just do anxious really quick.

874
00:46:16.560 --> 00:46:19.920
Common thoughts, emotions, and reactions of the anxious attachment style.

875
00:46:20.720 --> 00:46:24.960
So mind reading, always trying to read your partner's mind.

876
00:46:24.960 --> 00:46:27.280
Oh, I know.

877
00:46:27.280 --> 00:46:28.080
Or their body language.

878
00:46:28.080 --> 00:46:28.800
Oh, I know.

879
00:46:28.800 --> 00:46:29.520
They're leaving me.

880
00:46:29.520 --> 00:46:31.200
They don't like me anymore, you know?

881
00:46:31.200 --> 00:46:33.680
And then thinking thoughts like I'll never find anybody else.

882
00:46:34.720 --> 00:46:36.880
Once again, all or nothing thinking.

883
00:46:36.880 --> 00:46:38.000
I ruined everything.

884
00:46:38.000 --> 00:46:43.280
There's nothing I can do to mend the situation or getting very, very upset.

885
00:46:44.080 --> 00:46:47.760
And a lot of you have been in friendships with women or men like this,

886
00:46:48.080 --> 00:46:51.280
with women or men like this, where they get really upset at the person that they're dating.

887
00:46:51.280 --> 00:46:53.360
And they'll say things like, they can't treat me this way.

888
00:46:53.360 --> 00:46:54.320
I'll show them.

889
00:46:54.320 --> 00:46:56.560
They're getting like all mad and up in their feelings.

890
00:46:56.560 --> 00:46:59.600
And then, of course, immediately the pendulum swings to,

891
00:46:59.600 --> 00:47:00.320
I don't know what they're doing.

892
00:47:00.320 --> 00:47:01.680
I'm going to drive by their house.

893
00:47:01.680 --> 00:47:03.920
I'm going to text or call them 50 times because, you know,

894
00:47:03.920 --> 00:47:05.760
maybe they really don't love me anymore.

895
00:47:05.760 --> 00:47:08.640
After they get all mad and say that they never want to talk to them again.

896
00:47:09.680 --> 00:47:11.040
I knew something would go wrong.

897
00:47:11.040 --> 00:47:12.720
Nothing ever works out right for me.

898
00:47:12.720 --> 00:47:14.160
That whole victim mentality.

899
00:47:15.040 --> 00:47:19.680
And then juxtaposition to they better come crawling back and beg my forgiveness.

900
00:47:19.680 --> 00:47:22.880
Otherwise they forget about me forever kind of idea, right?

901
00:47:23.920 --> 00:47:28.640
And then for women, I think we do this a lot more than men do when we have anxious attachment.

902
00:47:28.640 --> 00:47:29.920
I'm going to go ahead and own that.

903
00:47:30.560 --> 00:47:34.720
Maybe if I look drop dead gorgeous and I show up to where they go all the time,

904
00:47:35.600 --> 00:47:40.480
they'll feel like they missed out on something and they'll come back to me.

905
00:47:41.440 --> 00:47:51.440
Who has ever gotten super cute and tried to go make your person jealous?

906
00:47:53.760 --> 00:47:55.600
Try to show them what they were missing out on.

907
00:47:59.280 --> 00:48:00.560
Try to show up where they were.

908
00:48:00.560 --> 00:48:02.000
Oh, are you here too?

909
00:48:02.000 --> 00:48:02.400
Oh yeah.

910
00:48:02.400 --> 00:48:08.080
I just happened to look so good right this minute at the grocery store that I know that

911
00:48:08.080 --> 00:48:11.280
you come to after work at 535 p.m.

912
00:48:13.840 --> 00:48:14.560
All right.

913
00:48:14.560 --> 00:48:16.560
Quite a lot of hands up right now.

914
00:48:17.360 --> 00:48:17.680
Okay.

915
00:48:23.840 --> 00:48:27.440
Remembering all the good things that this person ever did or said,

916
00:48:28.880 --> 00:48:29.200
right?

917
00:48:29.200 --> 00:48:31.120
Always focusing on, oh, they're so great.

918
00:48:31.120 --> 00:48:32.000
They're so wonderful.

919
00:48:32.000 --> 00:48:33.120
You know, all the things.

920
00:48:33.920 --> 00:48:38.480
Or recalling only the bad things this person has ever done.

921
00:48:39.120 --> 00:48:41.280
So really extreme, very extreme.

922
00:48:41.280 --> 00:48:42.320
Here's some of the emotions.

923
00:48:42.320 --> 00:48:47.680
Sad, guilty, self-loathing, restless, uneasy, humiliated, hate-filled, uncertain, agitated,

924
00:48:47.680 --> 00:48:51.600
rejected, unloved, lonely, misunderstood, unappreciated, vengeful, angry, fearful,

925
00:48:51.600 --> 00:48:56.560
resentful, frustrated, depressed, hopeless, despairing, jealous, hostile.

926
00:48:57.280 --> 00:48:58.240
You might act out.

927
00:48:58.800 --> 00:49:02.240
If you think someone's breaking up with you or you think that they're withdrawing from you,

928
00:49:02.240 --> 00:49:03.280
then you take it personally.

929
00:49:03.280 --> 00:49:04.000
What have I done?

930
00:49:04.000 --> 00:49:05.200
You might say, what have I done?

931
00:49:05.200 --> 00:49:06.880
You know, why don't you love me anymore?

932
00:49:06.880 --> 00:49:09.120
You become smothering and needy.

933
00:49:09.120 --> 00:49:11.920
And then it becomes kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy, right?

934
00:49:11.920 --> 00:49:15.200
You're constantly asking this person why they haven't called.

935
00:49:16.720 --> 00:49:18.560
Let's go down the rabbit trail for a second.

936
00:49:20.080 --> 00:49:23.440
Your boyfriend or girlfriend usually calls you when they leave work for the day.

937
00:49:23.440 --> 00:49:24.160
They didn't call.

938
00:49:24.880 --> 00:49:25.840
Oh my God, they're mad at me.

939
00:49:25.840 --> 00:49:26.400
What did I do?

940
00:49:26.400 --> 00:49:29.040
Then you start thinking about all the last conversations that you had.

941
00:49:29.040 --> 00:49:29.920
What did I do?

942
00:49:29.920 --> 00:49:30.880
Are they mad at me?

943
00:49:30.880 --> 00:49:32.000
Why aren't they talking to me?

944
00:49:32.640 --> 00:49:37.520
And then you could leave them a crazy text message because you're acting out, right?

945
00:49:38.880 --> 00:49:40.400
I don't know why you're doing this to me.

946
00:49:40.400 --> 00:49:41.280
I love you so much.

947
00:49:41.280 --> 00:49:42.320
Why are you breaking up with me?

948
00:49:42.880 --> 00:49:45.040
I know that that's really extreme, but people do that.

949
00:49:45.840 --> 00:49:46.480
They do it.

950
00:49:47.440 --> 00:49:49.760
And this is where the heart work would come into play.

951
00:49:49.760 --> 00:49:51.600
And you would, what would you do?

952
00:49:51.600 --> 00:49:56.640
You would defuse that bomb before it goes off and destroys your relationship.

953
00:49:56.640 --> 00:49:59.840
You would have to immediately understand.

954
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:05.080
Understand that you're telling yourself a crazy story.

955
00:50:05.080 --> 00:50:12.620
I have a, I have a client, okay, let's just call her Anxious Amber.

956
00:50:12.620 --> 00:50:17.000
And when I'm talking to her, because she tells herself these crazy stories all the time,

957
00:50:17.000 --> 00:50:20.720
I have to say, okay, you're not Anxious Amber anymore.

958
00:50:20.720 --> 00:50:23.520
You're not Anxious Amber anymore.

959
00:50:23.520 --> 00:50:29.160
And she'll, she'll message me and she'll say, oh, I think he's doing this, I think he's

960
00:50:29.160 --> 00:50:30.160
doing that.

961
00:50:30.160 --> 00:50:34.040
And then the next message to me, these are voice messages, she'll say, okay, Jackie,

962
00:50:34.040 --> 00:50:35.240
I hear myself.

963
00:50:35.240 --> 00:50:36.640
I hear myself.

964
00:50:36.640 --> 00:50:37.640
I hear what I'm saying.

965
00:50:37.640 --> 00:50:39.040
I hear myself out loud.

966
00:50:39.040 --> 00:50:46.000
Because what she's saying, you guys, to someone who's not anxiously attached, it sounds crazy.

967
00:50:46.000 --> 00:50:48.120
And yeah, one in a million times, it might be true.

968
00:50:48.120 --> 00:50:49.520
They really are breaking up with you.

969
00:50:49.520 --> 00:50:51.440
They really are cheating on you with the coworker.

970
00:50:51.440 --> 00:50:56.160
And if you have a tendency to pick those kinds of people, you know, that's why you feel anxious

971
00:50:56.160 --> 00:50:57.160
about it.

972
00:50:57.160 --> 00:50:59.640
Because that's happened to you in the past.

973
00:50:59.640 --> 00:51:02.920
But nine times out of 10, that isn't what's happening.

974
00:51:02.920 --> 00:51:06.960
And so if you wait for a little while, you'll see, oh, they're calling you from a landline

975
00:51:06.960 --> 00:51:11.120
because their cell phone died or this happened or that happened, you know, there's an explanation

976
00:51:11.120 --> 00:51:12.120
for it.

977
00:51:12.120 --> 00:51:16.440
And it's usually not the one that you're making up in your head when you're freaking out.

978
00:51:16.440 --> 00:51:20.040
But you guys, we have to understand why you're freaking out.

979
00:51:20.040 --> 00:51:22.560
You're fearing abandonment.

980
00:51:22.560 --> 00:51:25.880
And that's where you have to dig in right in that moment.

981
00:51:26.600 --> 00:51:29.600
And you have to ask yourself, why am I afraid of being abandoned?

982
00:51:29.600 --> 00:51:33.400
Why do I feel like if this person leaves me, no one else will ever love me?

983
00:51:33.400 --> 00:51:34.400
Why?

984
00:51:34.400 --> 00:51:36.240
Why do I feel that way?

985
00:51:36.240 --> 00:51:40.000
And if you're an anxious, that's dating and avoidance.

986
00:51:40.000 --> 00:51:43.000
Why have you done this thing?

987
00:51:43.000 --> 00:51:51.080
You're literally choosing someone who's going to continue to make you feel anxious, right?

988
00:51:51.080 --> 00:51:53.160
That's a terrible combination.

989
00:51:53.160 --> 00:51:54.160
Really bad.

990
00:51:54.440 --> 00:52:01.120
Okay, so you might pick a fight, you might try to make them feel jealous, might attempt

991
00:52:01.120 --> 00:52:07.280
to reestablish contact at any cost, drive by their house 50 times, guys, anxious attachment

992
00:52:07.280 --> 00:52:11.400
when there really is a breakup, it ain't pretty.

993
00:52:11.400 --> 00:52:13.640
It usually is not pretty.

994
00:52:13.640 --> 00:52:20.880
There's usually a lot of crying and driving by the house and texting and different things

995
00:52:20.880 --> 00:52:23.920
and then trying to, you know, all the things, trying to make them jealous, trying to look

996
00:52:23.920 --> 00:52:26.800
cute, trying to get them back, trying to manipulate the situation.

997
00:52:26.800 --> 00:52:33.920
But think about why, because somewhere deep inside of yourself, you believe that this

998
00:52:33.920 --> 00:52:36.840
person is how you feel loved.

999
00:52:36.840 --> 00:52:42.080
This person, without this person, you're unlovable, you're unworthy, you're unvaluable.

1000
00:52:42.080 --> 00:52:46.280
It's not true.

1001
00:52:46.280 --> 00:52:51.000
Remember, we're complete in Christ, we're whole in Christ, I should say.

1002
00:52:51.000 --> 00:52:55.320
And then yes, we are going to become codependent and interdependent, which are the same word

1003
00:52:55.320 --> 00:53:00.080
really, in marriage, we're going to regulate each other's blood pressure, y'all, it's going

1004
00:53:00.080 --> 00:53:01.080
to be great.

1005
00:53:01.080 --> 00:53:02.080
It's going to be great.

1006
00:53:02.080 --> 00:53:06.080
And does that mean if you're in marriage and you have high blood pressure that you're not

1007
00:53:06.080 --> 00:53:07.920
attached and you don't have a good marriage?

1008
00:53:07.920 --> 00:53:10.840
Probably, honestly.

1009
00:53:10.840 --> 00:53:14.560
And then you're also eating too much Chick-fil-A because that's not the Lord's chicken, y'all.

1010
00:53:14.560 --> 00:53:15.560
It's full of MSG.

1011
00:53:15.920 --> 00:53:17.920
It's not the Lord's chicken.

1012
00:53:17.920 --> 00:53:18.920
Don't fall for it.

1013
00:53:18.920 --> 00:53:19.920
It's not.

1014
00:53:19.920 --> 00:53:20.920
Okay.

1015
00:53:20.920 --> 00:53:27.040
So you might act manipulatively when you feel like that person's pulling away.

1016
00:53:27.040 --> 00:53:28.040
Once again, why?

1017
00:53:28.040 --> 00:53:30.380
Because you're trying to get them to stay.

1018
00:53:30.380 --> 00:53:34.600
And that might lend itself to deception, seduction, manipulation.

1019
00:53:34.600 --> 00:53:42.000
Who will admit that you have used seduction, deception, or manipulation, and you didn't

1020
00:53:42.000 --> 00:53:46.560
know it maybe back then, but now you know it, to try to keep someone in a relationship

1021
00:53:46.560 --> 00:53:48.280
with you.

1022
00:53:48.280 --> 00:53:51.720
I did.

1023
00:53:51.720 --> 00:53:56.960
I manipulated that man right down to the altar at 20 years old and he married me, y'all.

1024
00:53:56.960 --> 00:54:00.200
I got the exact thing that I thought I wanted.

1025
00:54:00.200 --> 00:54:05.520
And the minute that they signed, the officiant signed and said we were married, I started

1026
00:54:05.520 --> 00:54:07.320
operating in avoidant attachment.

1027
00:54:07.320 --> 00:54:10.040
I was anxious until I got the guy.

1028
00:54:10.040 --> 00:54:15.440
And then I was massively avoidant, huge, hugely avoidant.

1029
00:54:15.440 --> 00:54:17.840
All right.

1030
00:54:17.840 --> 00:54:20.080
Look at all those hands.

1031
00:54:20.080 --> 00:54:23.080
Look at all those hands.

1032
00:54:23.080 --> 00:54:25.080
Okay.

1033
00:54:25.080 --> 00:54:35.320
All right, you guys, you know that this is, this is just part two in this series.

1034
00:54:35.320 --> 00:54:36.560
There's going to be another part, right?

1035
00:54:37.200 --> 00:54:38.520
This is heartwork.

1036
00:54:38.520 --> 00:54:40.960
This is heartwork around relationship.

1037
00:54:40.960 --> 00:54:45.560
Attachment is so important and we have to have hearts that are ready and willing and

1038
00:54:45.560 --> 00:54:48.600
able to attach.

1039
00:54:48.600 --> 00:54:53.360
Ready willing and able to attach, and it doesn't matter if you're anxious or avoidant, it doesn't

1040
00:54:53.360 --> 00:54:57.160
matter if you're secure, everyone can attach.

1041
00:54:57.160 --> 00:54:59.800
For some of us, it's going to take a little more work, but we can do it.

1042
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:06.640
And for those of you that are secure attached, don't allow yourself to get in a relationship

1043
00:55:06.640 --> 00:55:13.960
with someone that is going to change your attachment style to something that's not good.

1044
00:55:13.960 --> 00:55:22.080
You have a gift to be able to give and receive love, to not think that everything that someone

1045
00:55:22.080 --> 00:55:25.400
else does is all about you.

1046
00:55:25.400 --> 00:55:30.520
So let's make sure that we're not, and so let me go ahead and go there next.

1047
00:55:30.520 --> 00:55:35.240
I'm going to tell you how to gauge someone's attachment.

1048
00:55:35.240 --> 00:55:40.440
You guys, and I don't want you, I don't, listen, when you're sitting there across the table

1049
00:55:40.440 --> 00:55:44.800
from a new person on a date and you're trying to discern them, you're trying to figure them

1050
00:55:44.800 --> 00:55:49.960
out, analyze them, it really doesn't give you an opportunity to get to know them.

1051
00:55:49.960 --> 00:55:58.160
But I do want to give you a little cheat sheet on how to crack the code pretty quickly as

1052
00:55:58.160 --> 00:56:02.160
you get to know someone about what their attachment style might be without giving them the link

1053
00:56:02.160 --> 00:56:05.000
to our quiz and saying, Hey, would you take this quiz for me?

1054
00:56:05.000 --> 00:56:06.000
All right, great.

1055
00:56:06.000 --> 00:56:07.480
That'd be great.

1056
00:56:07.480 --> 00:56:08.480
Sure.

1057
00:56:08.480 --> 00:56:09.480
Okay.

1058
00:56:09.480 --> 00:56:15.000
So here are some, here are some basic things that the different, the three, the three ones

1059
00:56:15.000 --> 00:56:19.800
that we have on our test that, that you can tell right away.

1060
00:56:19.800 --> 00:56:20.800
Okay.

1061
00:56:20.800 --> 00:56:25.680
So for in the avoidant category, they usually do send mixed signals.

1062
00:56:25.680 --> 00:56:26.680
Okay.

1063
00:56:26.680 --> 00:56:29.680
They'll pull you close and push you away.

1064
00:56:29.680 --> 00:56:34.240
You might have a great date and a crate, an amazing date where you felt really connected

1065
00:56:34.240 --> 00:56:35.240
to each other.

1066
00:56:35.240 --> 00:56:37.560
And it was super like intimacy was growing.

1067
00:56:37.560 --> 00:56:42.080
And then you don't hear from them for like three weeks.

1068
00:56:42.080 --> 00:56:43.080
Mine's not.

1069
00:56:43.080 --> 00:56:44.080
And you know what?

1070
00:56:44.080 --> 00:56:45.080
I'm not.

1071
00:56:45.080 --> 00:56:46.080
I'm out.

1072
00:56:46.080 --> 00:56:47.080
All right.

1073
00:56:47.080 --> 00:56:53.120
By the way, ghosts are always avoidant attached, right?

1074
00:56:53.120 --> 00:56:55.520
Okay.

1075
00:56:55.520 --> 00:56:57.360
So they send mixed signals.

1076
00:56:57.360 --> 00:57:01.160
They're always talking about their time, their time, they're busy, right?

1077
00:57:01.160 --> 00:57:06.600
They value their independence greatly.

1078
00:57:06.600 --> 00:57:07.600
They're not open.

1079
00:57:07.600 --> 00:57:10.600
They value their independence.

1080
00:57:10.600 --> 00:57:13.920
Okay.

1081
00:57:13.920 --> 00:57:15.440
You don't feel valued by them.

1082
00:57:15.440 --> 00:57:17.000
You don't feel important to them.

1083
00:57:17.000 --> 00:57:19.520
Even right from the beginning, like the connection isn't important.

1084
00:57:19.520 --> 00:57:21.360
It's not, they're not investing in it.

1085
00:57:21.360 --> 00:57:26.040
Or they talk about old partners and you can tell that they've devalued them.

1086
00:57:26.040 --> 00:57:27.040
Okay.

1087
00:57:27.040 --> 00:57:29.480
You can see that in there, right?

1088
00:57:29.480 --> 00:57:33.400
You can see that they're using distancing strategies or like keeping their distance

1089
00:57:33.400 --> 00:57:39.560
from you emotionally or physically, emotionally or physically.

1090
00:57:39.560 --> 00:57:41.560
They're distancing.

1091
00:57:41.560 --> 00:57:43.560
Okay.

1092
00:57:43.560 --> 00:57:51.680
They emphasize the word boundaries a lot.

1093
00:57:51.680 --> 00:57:52.680
And by the way, they got it wrong.

1094
00:57:52.680 --> 00:57:54.080
That's not what boundaries are.

1095
00:57:54.080 --> 00:57:56.680
Boundaries are for connection, not for disconnection.

1096
00:57:56.680 --> 00:57:58.240
All right.

1097
00:57:58.240 --> 00:58:05.640
They have an unrealistically romantic view of how a relationship should be.

1098
00:58:05.640 --> 00:58:07.520
They have, they're idealist.

1099
00:58:07.520 --> 00:58:09.720
They have ideals.

1100
00:58:09.720 --> 00:58:11.480
They're mistrustful.

1101
00:58:11.480 --> 00:58:13.240
They fear being taken advantage of.

1102
00:58:13.240 --> 00:58:16.360
You can tell that in their conversations.

1103
00:58:16.360 --> 00:58:21.080
They seem to have a very rigid view of relationships during any disagreement.

1104
00:58:21.080 --> 00:58:25.000
If you get to know them better and during a disagreement, they need to either get away

1105
00:58:25.000 --> 00:58:30.880
or they might kind of explode a little bit, might say some things that aren't appropriate.

1106
00:58:30.880 --> 00:58:32.320
They don't make their intentions clear.

1107
00:58:32.320 --> 00:58:36.960
You guys, this is really something you can see very early on in the relationship.

1108
00:58:36.960 --> 00:58:39.000
They're not making their intentions clear.

1109
00:58:39.000 --> 00:58:43.680
They're really wishy-washy with their intentions about, are you even going to see you again?

1110
00:58:43.680 --> 00:58:45.360
You know, what are their intentions?

1111
00:58:45.360 --> 00:58:49.440
These are people that you'll never get that DTR, that define the relationship.

1112
00:58:49.440 --> 00:58:51.800
That'd be very difficult for them to get that.

1113
00:58:51.800 --> 00:58:55.400
For those of you, have you ever been in a relationship where someone was like, they

1114
00:58:55.400 --> 00:59:01.160
finally said like, I love you and like, I love you and you know, whatever.

1115
00:59:01.160 --> 00:59:02.160
They said that.

1116
00:59:02.160 --> 00:59:07.440
And then they literally broke up with you like two weeks later.

1117
00:59:07.440 --> 00:59:08.480
Those were avoidance.

1118
00:59:08.480 --> 00:59:17.320
Those are avoidant attachment style people and that's on, they had a vulnerability hangover.

1119
00:59:17.320 --> 00:59:18.320
That's what happened.

1120
00:59:18.320 --> 00:59:25.240
They finally like express need for you and then they freaked out and I know you probably

1121
00:59:25.240 --> 00:59:29.520
thought they were narcissists, but they probably were just avoidance because these people have

1122
00:59:29.520 --> 00:59:35.720
like, I know because I used to be one of these people, super, super, super big fear

1123
00:59:35.720 --> 00:59:37.320
of being trapped.

1124
00:59:37.320 --> 00:59:38.320
Okay.

1125
00:59:38.320 --> 00:59:42.400
And they have difficulty talking about their emotions and about the relationship.

1126
00:59:42.400 --> 00:59:44.880
These are people that don't really talk about the relationship, right?

1127
00:59:44.880 --> 00:59:47.080
So here's a cheat sheet for secure.

1128
00:59:47.080 --> 00:59:48.880
They're reliable and consistent.

1129
00:59:48.880 --> 00:59:50.360
They make decisions with you.

1130
00:59:50.360 --> 00:59:54.080
They're, they have a very flexible view of relationships.

1131
00:59:54.080 --> 00:59:56.880
They communicate any issues that they have.

1132
00:59:56.880 --> 00:59:59.960
They allow you to, they give you feedback.

1133
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:02.000
are good at compromising.

1134
01:00:02.000 --> 01:00:04.840
They're not afraid of commitment or dependency.

1135
01:00:04.840 --> 01:00:07.400
Dependency is not a dirty word for them.

1136
01:00:07.400 --> 01:00:09.840
They don't view relationships as hard work.

1137
01:00:11.320 --> 01:00:13.820
They create moments of closeness

1138
01:00:13.820 --> 01:00:15.420
that creates more closeness.

1139
01:00:16.420 --> 01:00:19.440
They introduce you to friends and family early on.

1140
01:00:19.440 --> 01:00:22.860
Now this could also be for an anxious attachment as well.

1141
01:00:24.120 --> 01:00:26.000
And the way that you're gonna decipher the difference

1142
01:00:26.000 --> 01:00:28.880
between being introduced too quickly by an anxious

1143
01:00:28.960 --> 01:00:31.440
that wants everyone to like, you know, meet you

1144
01:00:31.440 --> 01:00:33.040
because like, this is the person.

1145
01:00:33.040 --> 01:00:34.240
You know, I want this person.

1146
01:00:34.240 --> 01:00:35.360
You know, I want my family and friends

1147
01:00:35.360 --> 01:00:36.440
to meet you real quick.

1148
01:00:36.440 --> 01:00:38.120
The way you're gonna tell the difference

1149
01:00:38.120 --> 01:00:39.920
is all the other things I just said.

1150
01:00:40.940 --> 01:00:42.360
Okay, so if they wanna introduce you

1151
01:00:42.360 --> 01:00:44.680
to their friends and family really quickly

1152
01:00:44.680 --> 01:00:45.840
and they have all the other things

1153
01:00:45.840 --> 01:00:48.560
that I was just talking about, that's how you can tell.

1154
01:00:48.560 --> 01:00:50.400
All right, they don't play games.

1155
01:00:50.400 --> 01:00:53.720
They naturally express warm feelings for you.

1156
01:00:53.720 --> 01:00:55.600
Not inappropriate feelings, right?

1157
01:00:55.600 --> 01:00:57.040
You're not getting love bombed.

1158
01:00:57.040 --> 01:00:58.600
That's anxious attachment.

1159
01:00:59.280 --> 01:01:00.160
And usually you guys love bombing

1160
01:01:00.160 --> 01:01:02.560
actually belongs to anxious avoidance.

1161
01:01:02.560 --> 01:01:05.680
They wanna lock you down so that they can lock you out.

1162
01:01:09.600 --> 01:01:10.880
It's so sad.

1163
01:01:10.880 --> 01:01:14.000
It's like, who in the world messed you up?

1164
01:01:16.640 --> 01:01:19.240
Right, but it's not necessarily narcissism, you guys.

1165
01:01:19.240 --> 01:01:21.240
You can't gravitate towards narcissist.

1166
01:01:22.280 --> 01:01:24.600
Oh, okay.

1167
01:01:24.600 --> 01:01:26.640
And then last but not least, anxious.

1168
01:01:26.680 --> 01:01:28.800
They want a lot of closeness in the relationship

1169
01:01:28.800 --> 01:01:32.240
usually pretty quickly, right?

1170
01:01:32.240 --> 01:01:34.120
They wanna see you all the time.

1171
01:01:34.120 --> 01:01:36.720
They just feel like they've known you all their lives.

1172
01:01:37.720 --> 01:01:41.520
You're what they've been waiting for all of their life.

1173
01:01:41.520 --> 01:01:44.080
You, little old you, okay?

1174
01:01:44.080 --> 01:01:47.440
They express insecurity a lot.

1175
01:01:48.760 --> 01:01:50.240
They express how they're worried

1176
01:01:50.240 --> 01:01:51.360
that you're gonna find someone else

1177
01:01:51.360 --> 01:01:52.320
or you're gonna cheat on them

1178
01:01:52.320 --> 01:01:53.400
or you're gonna like someone else

1179
01:01:53.400 --> 01:01:55.480
or you're gonna get sick and tired of them.

1180
01:01:55.480 --> 01:01:57.080
They say these things.

1181
01:01:58.040 --> 01:01:59.880
They express insecurity that they're not as pretty

1182
01:01:59.880 --> 01:02:01.800
as your ex-girlfriend or your ex-boyfriend

1183
01:02:01.800 --> 01:02:03.600
or that you don't have enough in common.

1184
01:02:03.600 --> 01:02:05.840
They're going to express the insecurity.

1185
01:02:05.840 --> 01:02:07.880
They are not going to hide it.

1186
01:02:07.880 --> 01:02:10.200
They're gonna say it a lot of times.

1187
01:02:13.760 --> 01:02:16.280
They're unhappy when they're not in relationship.

1188
01:02:16.280 --> 01:02:19.640
That's a huge one for anxious attachment.

1189
01:02:19.640 --> 01:02:21.200
They need to be in a relationship.

1190
01:02:21.200 --> 01:02:23.160
They're the people that are in relationship

1191
01:02:23.160 --> 01:02:26.800
after relationship, after relationship, after relationship.

1192
01:02:26.800 --> 01:02:29.400
And if they're not, they're looking for one.

1193
01:02:29.400 --> 01:02:32.640
They play games to keep your attention or your interest.

1194
01:02:32.640 --> 01:02:33.680
They think love's a game.

1195
01:02:33.680 --> 01:02:35.040
They're trying to play games

1196
01:02:35.040 --> 01:02:36.720
to keep your attention and your interest.

1197
01:02:36.720 --> 01:02:39.240
If they think that they're starting to lose your interest,

1198
01:02:39.240 --> 01:02:41.240
they're gonna start playing games with you.

1199
01:02:41.240 --> 01:02:43.880
They have difficulty explaining what's bothering them.

1200
01:02:43.880 --> 01:02:45.360
They want you to guess.

1201
01:02:45.360 --> 01:02:46.360
They expect you to guess.

1202
01:02:46.360 --> 01:02:48.560
They have a difficulty expressing their needs

1203
01:02:48.560 --> 01:02:49.400
because why?

1204
01:02:49.400 --> 01:02:50.800
They don't feel valued.

1205
01:02:50.800 --> 01:02:53.040
You're not gonna tell someone else your needs

1206
01:02:53.800 --> 01:02:54.640
or your insecurities.

1207
01:02:54.640 --> 01:02:55.480
You can tell them your insecurities,

1208
01:02:55.480 --> 01:02:56.320
but you're not gonna tell another person

1209
01:02:56.320 --> 01:02:57.720
what you need from them

1210
01:02:57.720 --> 01:02:59.560
unless you think that they value you.

1211
01:02:59.560 --> 01:03:02.320
In anxious attachment, people usually don't feel valued,

1212
01:03:02.320 --> 01:03:04.400
so they're not gonna tell you what they need.

1213
01:03:04.400 --> 01:03:05.760
They're gonna expect you to guess.

1214
01:03:05.760 --> 01:03:08.960
And then they're gonna act out when you get it wrong.

1215
01:03:08.960 --> 01:03:10.720
Oh, you really don't love me.

1216
01:03:10.720 --> 01:03:11.880
You don't know me.

1217
01:03:11.880 --> 01:03:14.160
You don't listen when I talk, kind of thing.

1218
01:03:14.160 --> 01:03:16.840
They have a hard time not making things about them

1219
01:03:16.840 --> 01:03:17.760
in relationship.

1220
01:03:17.760 --> 01:03:19.640
It's all about them.

1221
01:03:19.640 --> 01:03:23.960
And you guys, anxious attachment that stems in childhood,

1222
01:03:23.960 --> 01:03:27.160
these are children, babies, infants, and toddlers

1223
01:03:27.160 --> 01:03:29.800
and children that are raised by parents

1224
01:03:29.800 --> 01:03:31.520
that are usually avoidance.

1225
01:03:32.760 --> 01:03:34.400
So this child is always trying

1226
01:03:34.400 --> 01:03:36.480
to get their parents' attention,

1227
01:03:36.480 --> 01:03:40.080
their love, their approval, their appreciation.

1228
01:03:40.080 --> 01:03:42.680
They're always trying to get some scraps

1229
01:03:42.680 --> 01:03:44.320
of some type of affirmation.

1230
01:03:46.280 --> 01:03:47.400
Okay?

1231
01:03:47.400 --> 01:03:48.240
All right.

1232
01:03:49.760 --> 01:03:54.200
And then they're preoccupied with the relationship

1233
01:03:54.200 --> 01:03:56.080
and with relationship in general.

1234
01:03:56.080 --> 01:03:58.440
They fear that small things that have happened

1235
01:03:58.440 --> 01:03:59.920
will ruin the relationship.

1236
01:04:01.480 --> 01:04:03.880
So they make mountains out of molehills.

1237
01:04:03.880 --> 01:04:07.120
And they are suspicious that you might be unfaithful

1238
01:04:07.120 --> 01:04:08.440
or you might get tired of them

1239
01:04:08.440 --> 01:04:11.360
or you might find someone better than them.

1240
01:04:11.360 --> 01:04:12.760
So those are the ones.

1241
01:04:12.760 --> 01:04:13.600
Cool?

1242
01:04:16.400 --> 01:04:17.640
Is anyone feeling helped tonight?

1243
01:04:17.640 --> 01:04:18.480
Does anyone feel like,

1244
01:04:18.480 --> 01:04:20.560
hey, you know, I can get to secure attachment

1245
01:04:20.560 --> 01:04:22.720
no matter what my patterns have been in the past.

1246
01:04:22.720 --> 01:04:24.240
I can get there.

1247
01:04:24.240 --> 01:04:27.480
As long as I recognize when I'm doing this

1248
01:04:27.480 --> 01:04:29.160
and Holy Spirit's here to help us do that.

1249
01:04:29.160 --> 01:04:30.880
That's what heart work's all about.

1250
01:04:30.880 --> 01:04:32.080
When you start recognizing

1251
01:04:32.080 --> 01:04:34.000
when you're operating in a counterfeit,

1252
01:04:34.000 --> 01:04:35.760
because you guys want to tell you something,

1253
01:04:35.760 --> 01:04:38.880
anything besides secure attachment is a counterfeit.

1254
01:04:38.880 --> 01:04:43.840
And the reason why is because you are already tethered

1255
01:04:43.840 --> 01:04:45.160
and rooted in love.

1256
01:04:46.120 --> 01:04:48.200
You're already rooted in love.

1257
01:04:48.200 --> 01:04:50.600
So these other relationships,

1258
01:04:50.600 --> 01:04:53.560
they're just extensions of already being rooted in love.

1259
01:04:53.560 --> 01:04:55.880
You're already accepted in the beloved.

1260
01:04:55.880 --> 01:04:58.360
You're already seen, known, and loved by heaven.

1261
01:04:58.360 --> 01:04:59.800
All of those things are true.

1262
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:03.120
true, but then you have to make them true for you.

1263
01:05:03.120 --> 01:05:04.120
They are true.

1264
01:05:04.120 --> 01:05:05.520
That's the greater truth,

1265
01:05:05.520 --> 01:05:08.160
but you need to make it your personal truth as well.

1266
01:05:08.160 --> 01:05:10.920
Okay, and that's why hard work is something that we do.

1267
01:05:10.920 --> 01:05:15.040
All right, so we're going to go into breakouts for the next,

1268
01:05:15.040 --> 01:05:17.280
however long you guys can stay, that's fine.

1269
01:05:17.280 --> 01:05:19.240
But this is all prerecorded right here

1270
01:05:19.240 --> 01:05:23.000
so that people that are watching can get the benefit of it.

1271
01:05:23.000 --> 01:05:23.840
And like I said,

1272
01:05:23.840 --> 01:05:25.880
we're still gonna do a whole nother path session

1273
01:05:25.880 --> 01:05:27.200
and we're gonna do more work in this.

1274
01:05:27.200 --> 01:05:28.880
We want to dig into this

1275
01:05:28.880 --> 01:05:30.840
because this is what's gonna sabotage.

1276
01:05:30.840 --> 01:05:32.880
These are gonna be your foxes in your vineyard

1277
01:05:32.880 --> 01:05:36.160
that are gonna sabotage your budding love story.

1278
01:05:37.040 --> 01:05:37.880
For those of you that have read

1279
01:05:37.880 --> 01:05:39.560
my Married in 12 Months or Less book,

1280
01:05:39.560 --> 01:05:41.400
these are the foxes in your vineyard.

1281
01:05:42.920 --> 01:05:45.200
They're gonna come and destroy the potential

1282
01:05:45.200 --> 01:05:46.480
of relationships in your life,

1283
01:05:46.480 --> 01:05:48.920
not just romantic ones, but other ones.

1284
01:05:48.920 --> 01:05:53.920
So we have to begin to dig down into what's going on with us.

1285
01:05:54.560 --> 01:05:56.040
What's going on with us

1286
01:05:56.040 --> 01:06:01.040
so we can attract a better quality of people

1287
01:06:01.320 --> 01:06:02.760
as far as attachment goes,

1288
01:06:02.760 --> 01:06:06.920
and we can be a better quality of attachment for others.

1289
01:06:06.920 --> 01:06:08.920
Some other things that I wrote down,

1290
01:06:08.920 --> 01:06:10.360
seven things you can do today

1291
01:06:10.360 --> 01:06:12.840
to stop pushing love away if you're avoidant.

1292
01:06:12.840 --> 01:06:15.360
You can learn to identify your disconnection strategies.

1293
01:06:15.360 --> 01:06:18.520
You guys avoidance, we all have disconnection strategies.

1294
01:06:18.520 --> 01:06:20.520
We might get really excited about someone,

1295
01:06:20.520 --> 01:06:22.320
but then all of a sudden we have a gut feeling

1296
01:06:22.320 --> 01:06:23.480
that they're not the right one for us.

1297
01:06:23.480 --> 01:06:26.000
Guys, that gut feeling cannot be trusted, y'all.

1298
01:06:26.000 --> 01:06:29.040
That is your avoidant tendency.

1299
01:06:29.040 --> 01:06:31.080
It's not God.

1300
01:06:31.080 --> 01:06:34.080
Now, if you already know that they're bad news bears

1301
01:06:34.080 --> 01:06:35.080
and you got with them anyway

1302
01:06:35.080 --> 01:06:36.200
because you think they're sexy,

1303
01:06:36.200 --> 01:06:37.600
then it might be God.

1304
01:06:37.600 --> 01:06:42.040
But nine times out of 10, it's you being avoidant, okay?

1305
01:06:42.040 --> 01:06:46.920
If you start maximizing bad things about someone

1306
01:06:46.920 --> 01:06:48.840
and minimizing the good things about them,

1307
01:06:48.840 --> 01:06:51.240
that's avoidant attachment.

1308
01:06:51.240 --> 01:06:53.840
Start noticing that they have one stray nose hair

1309
01:06:53.840 --> 01:06:55.360
and you just can't do it anymore.

1310
01:06:55.360 --> 01:07:00.360
Just cannot look at that nose hair any more.

1311
01:07:03.920 --> 01:07:04.760
It seems silly,

1312
01:07:04.760 --> 01:07:07.680
but people have broken up with people for less.

1313
01:07:07.680 --> 01:07:08.520
They really are.

1314
01:07:08.520 --> 01:07:09.360
They really do.

1315
01:07:09.360 --> 01:07:10.440
All of a sudden, if all of a sudden

1316
01:07:10.440 --> 01:07:13.120
their voice starts to annoy you,

1317
01:07:13.120 --> 01:07:15.960
come on, y'all, who is this true of?

1318
01:07:15.960 --> 01:07:19.960
You can't stand the sound of their voice all of a sudden.

1319
01:07:21.880 --> 01:07:22.720
They're whiny.

1320
01:07:22.720 --> 01:07:24.560
They're needy to you

1321
01:07:24.560 --> 01:07:27.680
because you don't want anyone to need you, right?

1322
01:07:27.680 --> 01:07:29.480
So you got to learn to identify

1323
01:07:29.480 --> 01:07:33.080
how do you start to tell yourself stories of disconnection?

1324
01:07:33.080 --> 01:07:35.200
How do you start to give yourself permission

1325
01:07:35.200 --> 01:07:36.120
for disconnection?

1326
01:07:36.120 --> 01:07:38.400
If you're an anxious, you need to start,

1327
01:07:38.400 --> 01:07:42.440
you learn to identify the anxious stories

1328
01:07:42.440 --> 01:07:43.600
that you're telling yourself.

1329
01:07:43.600 --> 01:07:44.640
What is your pattern?

1330
01:07:46.400 --> 01:07:47.600
What is your pattern?

1331
01:07:47.600 --> 01:07:48.440
Okay.

1332
01:07:48.440 --> 01:07:49.720
And so then number two,

1333
01:07:49.760 --> 01:07:51.520
you're going to step out of independence

1334
01:07:51.520 --> 01:07:53.040
in your everyday life.

1335
01:07:53.040 --> 01:07:54.960
And you're going to start to focus on ways

1336
01:07:54.960 --> 01:07:57.520
that you can cultivate interdependence.

1337
01:08:01.840 --> 01:08:02.680
Just a little ways,

1338
01:08:02.680 --> 01:08:04.280
you guys not within romantic relationship,

1339
01:08:04.280 --> 01:08:05.120
but in little ways,

1340
01:08:05.120 --> 01:08:07.560
asking people to help you with things.

1341
01:08:07.560 --> 01:08:08.520
Even at your job saying,

1342
01:08:08.520 --> 01:08:09.440
hey, can you do this for me?

1343
01:08:09.440 --> 01:08:10.960
Can you do interdependence?

1344
01:08:10.960 --> 01:08:13.400
Start relying on other people.

1345
01:08:13.400 --> 01:08:15.040
And okay, so these are tips for avoidance,

1346
01:08:15.040 --> 01:08:17.720
but I'll give you a tip for anxious right here as well.

1347
01:08:17.720 --> 01:08:20.000
Start developing your self-esteem.

1348
01:08:22.640 --> 01:08:25.040
So instead of developing your interdependence,

1349
01:08:25.040 --> 01:08:27.000
start developing your independence

1350
01:08:27.000 --> 01:08:28.479
in the way of, you know,

1351
01:08:28.479 --> 01:08:30.000
spending some time with yourself,

1352
01:08:30.000 --> 01:08:30.960
get to know yourself,

1353
01:08:30.960 --> 01:08:32.640
get to like yourself.

1354
01:08:32.640 --> 01:08:34.760
You're not just valuable when you're in a relationship,

1355
01:08:34.760 --> 01:08:36.800
you're valuable outside of a relationship.

1356
01:08:36.800 --> 01:08:38.479
What does that look like for you?

1357
01:08:38.479 --> 01:08:39.319
Right?

1358
01:08:39.319 --> 01:08:41.880
Third, this is for avoidance.

1359
01:08:41.880 --> 01:08:44.319
Find a secure partner

1360
01:08:44.319 --> 01:08:46.920
and stay far away from anxious attachment styles

1361
01:08:46.920 --> 01:08:48.399
because it's a vicious cycle.

1362
01:08:49.680 --> 01:08:52.279
You can tell right away if someone's anxiously attached,

1363
01:08:52.279 --> 01:08:53.960
you can see right away.

1364
01:08:55.040 --> 01:08:56.760
And if you're an avoidant,

1365
01:08:56.760 --> 01:09:00.319
don't take that person on Mr. Toad's wild ride with you.

1366
01:09:00.319 --> 01:09:01.720
You know, you're going to break their heart.

1367
01:09:01.720 --> 01:09:02.920
Why would you do that?

1368
01:09:02.920 --> 01:09:04.200
They're going to drive you crazy

1369
01:09:04.200 --> 01:09:07.800
and you're going to crush them like a buck.

1370
01:09:07.800 --> 01:09:09.200
Why would you want to do that?

1371
01:09:09.200 --> 01:09:11.520
Let's not do that to each other.

1372
01:09:11.520 --> 01:09:12.479
Just say no.

1373
01:09:13.319 --> 01:09:17.120
I know that those are trauma bonds

1374
01:09:17.120 --> 01:09:18.399
that want to attract to each other,

1375
01:09:18.399 --> 01:09:19.240
but just say no,

1376
01:09:19.240 --> 01:09:20.920
this is what hard work looks like.

1377
01:09:20.920 --> 01:09:23.600
Recognize it and say no to it.

1378
01:09:23.600 --> 01:09:24.439
Right?

1379
01:09:24.439 --> 01:09:28.120
Be aware of your tendency to misinterpret behaviors.

1380
01:09:29.439 --> 01:09:31.200
This is for anxious and avoidant.

1381
01:09:31.200 --> 01:09:35.160
Be aware of your tendency to put the wrong story

1382
01:09:35.160 --> 01:09:37.240
on what's happening.

1383
01:09:37.240 --> 01:09:39.080
You're misinterpreting behaviors.

1384
01:09:39.279 --> 01:09:40.200
So for avoidance,

1385
01:09:40.200 --> 01:09:42.200
if you find yourself becoming Judge Judy,

1386
01:09:43.240 --> 01:09:44.760
you're criticizing in your mind

1387
01:09:44.760 --> 01:09:47.560
every single thing this person's wearing, doing, saying.

1388
01:09:49.040 --> 01:09:52.120
Your avoidant style is coming out.

1389
01:09:52.800 --> 01:09:56.720
You're trying to find permission and validation to run.

1390
01:10:00.800 --> 01:10:02.600
And then for you anxious people,

1391
01:10:02.600 --> 01:10:04.640
if you start finding yourself becoming,

1392
01:10:05.600 --> 01:10:07.880
you know, anxious Amber,

1393
01:10:07.880 --> 01:10:08.920
trying to grab a hold,

1394
01:10:08.920 --> 01:10:10.000
grab a hold of their leg

1395
01:10:10.000 --> 01:10:11.200
while they're trying to walk away.

1396
01:10:11.200 --> 01:10:12.040
Don't leave me.

1397
01:10:12.040 --> 01:10:13.760
They're just going to the bathroom, y'all.

1398
01:10:13.760 --> 01:10:14.600
They're allowed.

1399
01:10:14.600 --> 01:10:15.480
They can go to the bathroom.

1400
01:10:15.480 --> 01:10:17.040
It's okay.

1401
01:10:17.040 --> 01:10:19.120
Gotta recognize what you're telling yourself

1402
01:10:19.120 --> 01:10:23.320
in these moments of regular separation within relationship.

1403
01:10:25.480 --> 01:10:26.320
Okay?

1404
01:10:26.320 --> 01:10:27.840
Even a secure attached person

1405
01:10:27.840 --> 01:10:31.240
is not going to want to be smothered by an anxious.

1406
01:10:31.240 --> 01:10:33.040
They might put up with it for longer

1407
01:10:33.040 --> 01:10:33.960
than an avoidant would,

1408
01:10:33.960 --> 01:10:35.840
but they're not going to want it long-term.

1409
01:10:35.840 --> 01:10:37.320
So you got to work on you.

1410
01:10:37.320 --> 01:10:38.400
You got to do you, boo.

1411
01:10:38.400 --> 01:10:39.960
You have to.

1412
01:10:39.960 --> 01:10:41.480
All right?

1413
01:10:41.480 --> 01:10:45.800
So dig deeper into why you're thinking the worst

1414
01:10:45.800 --> 01:10:47.960
about others intentions,

1415
01:10:47.960 --> 01:10:49.480
whether you're avoidant or anxious.

1416
01:10:49.480 --> 01:10:50.720
Why, why, why?

1417
01:10:50.720 --> 01:10:52.680
In those moments when you're having those thoughts

1418
01:10:52.680 --> 01:10:55.200
is the best time to do that hard work right then.

1419
01:10:55.200 --> 01:10:57.400
Why am I feeling this way?

1420
01:10:57.400 --> 01:10:59.640
Why am I thinking these things?

1421
01:10:59.640 --> 01:11:01.400
When was the first time I ever felt this way

1422
01:11:01.400 --> 01:11:04.520
or thought these things about someone in my life?

1423
01:11:04.520 --> 01:11:06.560
Guys, you can get free.

1424
01:11:06.560 --> 01:11:09.600
You can get free right in these moments.

1425
01:11:09.600 --> 01:11:11.080
Remember how I always tell you

1426
01:11:11.080 --> 01:11:12.760
that you can do all the work with us,

1427
01:11:12.760 --> 01:11:14.560
but then when you start getting into relationship,

1428
01:11:14.560 --> 01:11:16.040
that's when we're really going to see the real,

1429
01:11:16.040 --> 01:11:17.560
the real hard work that needs to be done.

1430
01:11:17.560 --> 01:11:19.880
This is what I'm talking about.

1431
01:11:19.880 --> 01:11:21.160
It's going to come to the surface.

1432
01:11:21.160 --> 01:11:23.280
I'm sad to say we've had people

1433
01:11:23.280 --> 01:11:25.480
that have not fully unpacked this.

1434
01:11:25.480 --> 01:11:26.880
They refuse to.

1435
01:11:26.920 --> 01:11:28.960
And then they went and got married in this program

1436
01:11:28.960 --> 01:11:30.480
and they're already divorcing

1437
01:11:32.440 --> 01:11:35.520
because of a specifically avoidant attachment.

1438
01:11:37.320 --> 01:11:39.120
It was fine and dandy during the courtship,

1439
01:11:39.120 --> 01:11:42.000
but when it came time for that person to move

1440
01:11:42.000 --> 01:11:44.760
and live together and give up their independence

1441
01:11:44.760 --> 01:11:47.120
and their single life in their space,

1442
01:11:47.120 --> 01:11:48.520
they didn't want to do it.

1443
01:11:48.520 --> 01:11:50.320
They couldn't do it.

1444
01:11:50.320 --> 01:11:51.880
They started to feel claustrophobic.

1445
01:11:51.880 --> 01:11:53.080
They started to feel controlled.

1446
01:11:53.080 --> 01:11:55.000
They started to feel, they farted.

1447
01:11:55.000 --> 01:11:55.840
They didn't fart.

1448
01:11:55.840 --> 01:11:56.680
They started.

1449
01:11:57.480 --> 01:11:59.280
They might've farted, but they started as well.

1450
01:11:59.280 --> 01:12:01.040
To push that other person away,

1451
01:12:01.040 --> 01:12:03.440
they started to tell stories

1452
01:12:03.440 --> 01:12:05.120
about what this person was trying to do to them,

1453
01:12:05.120 --> 01:12:06.120
which isn't true.

1454
01:12:07.240 --> 01:12:10.680
I'm trying to help you not sabotage your future here.

1455
01:12:12.160 --> 01:12:15.520
Okay, so be aware of your tendency to misinterpret.

1456
01:12:15.520 --> 01:12:18.680
Make a list every day.

1457
01:12:18.680 --> 01:12:19.760
For you that are avoidant,

1458
01:12:19.760 --> 01:12:22.000
make a list every single day

1459
01:12:22.000 --> 01:12:24.520
of all the relationships in your life

1460
01:12:24.520 --> 01:12:26.240
and how grateful you are for them.

1461
01:12:27.160 --> 01:12:29.280
How your life would be empty without relationships.

1462
01:12:29.280 --> 01:12:31.120
Because remember, avoidants are loners.

1463
01:12:31.120 --> 01:12:33.000
They're lone wolves.

1464
01:12:33.000 --> 01:12:34.680
They have toxic independence.

1465
01:12:35.640 --> 01:12:38.320
You guys, we've been created to be interdependent.

1466
01:12:38.320 --> 01:12:41.200
And then with our spouses, codependent.

1467
01:12:41.200 --> 01:12:42.120
Go ahead and get used to it.

1468
01:12:42.120 --> 01:12:43.000
I'm going to keep saying it

1469
01:12:43.000 --> 01:12:45.400
because it is not the word that you think it is.

1470
01:12:47.040 --> 01:12:48.880
And for those of you that have broken free

1471
01:12:48.880 --> 01:12:50.720
from people that truly were narcissists

1472
01:12:50.720 --> 01:12:52.040
and you were the enabler

1473
01:12:52.040 --> 01:12:53.560
and they were an addict of some sort

1474
01:12:53.560 --> 01:12:54.640
and they were an abuser,

1475
01:12:54.640 --> 01:12:55.720
I know that's a trigger for you,

1476
01:12:55.720 --> 01:12:57.880
but that's not what it means.

1477
01:12:57.880 --> 01:13:01.040
Okay, we're not talking about trauma bonding.

1478
01:13:01.040 --> 01:13:02.360
We're talking about coming together

1479
01:13:02.360 --> 01:13:03.600
like the book of Genesis says,

1480
01:13:03.600 --> 01:13:05.600
and the two becoming one.

1481
01:13:05.600 --> 01:13:07.120
That is what we're talking about.

1482
01:13:07.120 --> 01:13:09.840
And then for those of you that are anxious,

1483
01:13:09.840 --> 01:13:12.120
make a list every day about how great you are

1484
01:13:13.080 --> 01:13:16.760
and how grateful you are for yourself

1485
01:13:16.760 --> 01:13:19.920
and all the great things that you said or did that day

1486
01:13:19.920 --> 01:13:21.920
and how God feels about you.

1487
01:13:21.920 --> 01:13:23.800
Make a list, okay?

1488
01:13:24.720 --> 01:13:26.640
All right, six, stop fantasizing

1489
01:13:26.640 --> 01:13:28.840
about the one that got away.

1490
01:13:28.840 --> 01:13:32.560
When you find yourself idealizing some other person,

1491
01:13:33.440 --> 01:13:35.160
whether it's someone else's spouse

1492
01:13:35.160 --> 01:13:36.600
or some ex of yours

1493
01:13:36.600 --> 01:13:39.640
or some person that you liked or crushed on from a distance

1494
01:13:39.640 --> 01:13:41.600
but never were in relationship with,

1495
01:13:41.600 --> 01:13:43.400
just know that what you're doing here

1496
01:13:43.400 --> 01:13:45.960
is you're giving yourself permission for disconnection

1497
01:13:45.960 --> 01:13:47.760
and you're going to use that as a strategy

1498
01:13:47.760 --> 01:13:51.800
in a future relationship to stay in the past

1499
01:13:51.800 --> 01:13:53.560
instead of focusing on the future.

1500
01:13:54.800 --> 01:13:55.800
Okay?

1501
01:13:55.800 --> 01:13:57.720
And for you anxious attachers,

1502
01:13:57.720 --> 01:14:01.160
stop acting like the person you're in relationship with

1503
01:14:01.160 --> 01:14:02.120
is better than you.

1504
01:14:03.400 --> 01:14:05.200
You're great.

1505
01:14:05.200 --> 01:14:09.240
Stop idolizing them or idealizing them.

1506
01:14:10.800 --> 01:14:13.520
And oh, if they left me, I would just be nothing.

1507
01:14:13.520 --> 01:14:15.720
No, you're something, you're something important.

1508
01:14:15.720 --> 01:14:19.120
And so you have to start to unpack where that's coming from.

1509
01:14:19.120 --> 01:14:20.520
And then last but not least,

1510
01:14:21.520 --> 01:14:23.640
I don't, you guys know that I believe in spirit mates,

1511
01:14:23.640 --> 01:14:24.480
all right?

1512
01:14:24.480 --> 01:14:26.240
So I'm not disputing soulmate.

1513
01:14:26.240 --> 01:14:29.600
I believe soulmate is a portion and a part of spirit mate.

1514
01:14:29.600 --> 01:14:30.800
Okay, so I do believe that,

1515
01:14:30.800 --> 01:14:33.760
but we have to get rid of the idea of the one.

1516
01:14:33.760 --> 01:14:36.440
The one is whoever you decide to do the work with.

1517
01:14:36.440 --> 01:14:37.720
That's who the one is.

1518
01:14:37.720 --> 01:14:38.560
The one is the person

1519
01:14:38.560 --> 01:14:40.600
that you decide to make a commitment to

1520
01:14:40.600 --> 01:14:42.040
and you choose them

1521
01:14:42.040 --> 01:14:44.200
and you allow them to get close to you.

1522
01:14:45.040 --> 01:14:47.360
And you will, you know,

1523
01:14:47.360 --> 01:14:49.080
you allow yourself to attach.

1524
01:14:49.120 --> 01:14:50.840
You allow yourself to attach.

1525
01:14:50.840 --> 01:14:53.080
That's who the one is.

1526
01:14:53.080 --> 01:14:55.920
And there's a whole spectrum of people

1527
01:14:55.920 --> 01:14:58.880
that could fit that at different seasons of your life.

1528
01:14:58.880 --> 01:15:00.880
All right, so I'm gonna let you go ahead.

1529
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:07.040
We don't really have a plan here as far as closing us up, but we're so glad that you

1530
01:15:07.040 --> 01:15:12.160
all came tonight, you know, just, just take some time to unpack the things that Jackie

1531
01:15:12.160 --> 01:15:16.000
talked about, things you learned in your breakout and throughout the discussion.

1532
01:15:16.000 --> 01:15:21.080
And really, you know, we always do this in heartwork, ask the Lord to show you if there's

1533
01:15:21.080 --> 01:15:26.420
any revealing for healing, is there any area like where you can implement, like even those

1534
01:15:26.420 --> 01:15:30.920
positive things that Jackie said, like if you're, I think it was the anxious, like telling

1535
01:15:30.920 --> 01:15:32.860
you, writing down, what are you thankful for?

1536
01:15:32.860 --> 01:15:33.860
What's going well?

1537
01:15:33.860 --> 01:15:34.860
What did you do?

1538
01:15:34.860 --> 01:15:37.340
Well, you know, those things and really use those tools.

1539
01:15:37.340 --> 01:15:40.020
You guys, those are like gems.

1540
01:15:40.020 --> 01:15:43.100
If you will implement that stuff, it will change your life.

1541
01:15:43.100 --> 01:15:44.100
Okay.

1542
01:15:44.100 --> 01:15:45.100
All right.

1543
01:15:45.100 --> 01:15:47.260
So we're, we have our next path session.

1544
01:15:47.260 --> 01:15:51.940
Now there are other events in the rest of the month, but I just want to say the next

1545
01:15:51.940 --> 01:15:56.260
past session, that is going to be the continuation of this will be February.