I'm going to turn it back over to you.
Welcome tonight to our all path session.
Those of you that have been around for a while,
you know we have three different paths.
The first path are those that are still working on themselves.
Path two are the people that are single and mingling and want more
practical help with dating and relationships.
Path three are for the people that are in some sort of committed
relationship with their partner.
And they want to navigate that.
And so path three is focused on that, but we're all paths together.
And we actually invited our phase two ladies to come over and join us
tonight as well.
They're in their love story accelerator phase,
the last year single program,
because we think that this topic is so important.
Okay. So we are doing a series, so to speak on attachment.
Attachment theory is something that has become very popular over the
last few years.
And it's something that I think is so important.
And I think everything has to come back to heartwork for me,
because honestly, I think that that is really what it's about.
And you can slap whatever name you want on it, whether it's love languages,
whether it's attachment styles, whether it's any a gram,
whether it doesn't matter what it is.
It's all going to come back to heartwork. And what do I mean by that?
This is what I mean.
I mean that.
We have all been separated from our identity.
And so I'm going to talk a little bit more about that tonight.
And in order for us to have vibrant relationships,
which is what we were created to do.
It is what we've been created for.
The primary reason that you're on this earth is for relationship.
And in order to have those.
We have to have them in the finished work of the cross.
You have to have them on the other side of Calvary.
Okay.
We have to have them in the finished work of the cross.
The cross is broken and we have to have them with a full tool belt.
Full of identity tools.
Nobody came out of the box.
No matter how great your origin family is.
Nobody came out of the box.
Without having to learn without having issues that they have to D
And so for me,
it always comes back to hard work and it always is probably going to
come back to hard work.
So we're going to dig into.
Some more attachment stuff tonight.
From the lens of hard work.
And what it looks like.
No matter what.
I want you to think about how you can,
how you can in the future have vibrant relationships from this night
forward.
Does everybody want that? Do you want to stop sabotaging?
Your relationships.
And not just your romantic relationships,
although that's why all of you are here.
But also all of your relationships,
your relationship with your parents, your relationship,
your children, your grandchildren.
Your relationship with friends.
With other members of your family, with colleagues.
Your relationship with community.
All of the avoidant attachers were really happy that COVID happened
because they finally got to be what they always wanted to be.
And that's alone.
Okay.
Sorry, not sorry.
Want to be alone.
Right.
Want to be alone when you want to be alone,
but then when you want companionship,
you'll just come and rub up against someone's leg for two seconds.
Just to get your little fix. And then you're gone again.
And some of you can relate to that.
I think it's important to know that you are the person in the relationship
that's like that.
You are the person in the relationship that's like that.
And as a, I mean,
we're going to talk about how to change our attachment styles and how does
that happen in.
Just in a nutshell, it's called hard work.
Like Jackie, how many times are you going to say hard work tonight?
Probably another thousand times.
Okay.
Because that's really what it is all about.
Okay. For all you people that are hooked on psychology,
I'm going to say a few things that are outside of the handbook of that.
Remember I went to college to be a psychologist.
That is my educational background.
And a lot of it.
Is.
Excuses.
Instead of doing hard work.
And so I know that people don't have those tools,
but they need to be given those tools.
And that's why we're all here together tonight to do that.
All right. So.
Okay.
Did everyone take the quiz? Can I see the hands of everyone?
Put your little avatar hand up.
Your little yellow avatar hand.
Some of you have made it your own skin tone and that's great,
but let's see all those hands.
All hands should be up right now.
If not go back to your Facebook group quickly and do your little quiz.
If you're in phase three, it's there.
take you all of six minutes to complete it.
So go do that.
Go do it, go do it, go do it.
Right, so there really are, in the science of attachment,
there are four different attachment theories.
You guys, this started out as psychology for children,
right, this started out, attachment style is something
that they were using to study children
and how they are able to attach to their caregivers,
right, or not attach to their caregivers.
And there were several studies that were done,
and that's where all this comes out of,
this is what it all stems from.
And so there really are four different attachment styles,
but that quiz is only going to show you a result
for three of those.
And the reason why is because the fourth one
is a hybrid of two of the others,
and we'll discuss that tonight, okay?
All right, okay, so I'm just gonna give you
a brief synopsis of the three that your test
could give you a result of very quickly.
Secure attachment.
Guys, secure attached people, first of all,
I don't want you to get it twisted.
They're not necessarily the friendliest people,
they're not the nicest people.
I know we think, oh, they're secure,
that means they're just wonderful, amazing people,
and they're warm and loving and great, it's not true.
Okay, secure attachment looks different on everyone.
It just means that they can give
and receive love in relationship.
It doesn't mean that they want to have relationship
with everyone, it doesn't mean they're extroverted,
it doesn't mean they're gregarious,
it doesn't say anything about personality type,
it just means that when they are in relationship,
they can give and receive love,
they feel comfortable expressing their feelings,
and they also feel comfortable allowing someone else
to express their feelings to them, right?
They are vulnerable for the most part.
I feel like everyone runs into glass ceiling
with vulnerability, but they're vulnerable for the most part
they're able to receive feedback,
they're able to change course if necessary
on their side of the street, so to speak,
and that is basically a synopsis of attachment
as far as secure.
And then anxious, which is one of the other three results
that you could have gotten, that approach to relationship
comes from a place of fear of rejection or abandonment.
That is where that attachment style
comes from an origin of the fear
of rejection or abandonment.
And a lot of times, someone who is operating
in an anxious attachment style will,
they don't know they're doing this necessarily,
sometimes you know you're doing it,
but they will use a lot of tools like manipulation,
maybe even seduction to try to keep the interest
of that other person.
And I'm talking, of course, in a romantic relationship,
because you can have anxious attachment
that affects all of your relationships,
your friendships, you're the friend that people call needy,
you need too much attention, you're really sensitive,
you get offended easily,
you always think everyone's leaving you out
or talking about you, you're preoccupied
with being abandoned.
So you're also preoccupied with relationship,
especially a romantic relationship.
If you have an anxious attachment style,
you usually are preoccupied with romantic relationship
and you don't feel complete if you're not in one.
A lot of times you may think things like,
what's wrong with me?
Why doesn't anyone like me?
You're always catastrophizing
how other people feel about you, worst case scenario, right?
And of course, you guys, this is on a spectrum.
You could have got anxious as your result
and you're like, you know, I might be like that mildly
or every once in a while, but it's not that bad, Jackie.
Well, right, because I'm giving you the full spectrum
of what that looks like, right?
So you have issues with acceptance
or believing that you're accepted.
You're not secure within yourself,
therefore you're always looking for someone else
to provide you with that self-esteem
by giving you attention or giving you love, all right?
And then the avoidance,
and the avoidance always get the bad rap.
It's like, oh, these are narcissists.
You guys, come on.
And I want to say one thing.
There are so many people
that we describe as narcissists nowadays,
and a lot of them might actually be avoided and attached.
We just think they're narcissists because they act like,
they seem like they don't care,
like they're almost sociopathic.
And the reason why is because of this.
This relationship attachment style
is also coming from the fear, a fear,
but it's the fear of being controlled, okay?
People that deal with avoidance in relationships,
they're avoiding losing their independence
or being controlled or being manipulated.
In fact, they usually equate intimacy,
like intimacy with the loss of intimacy.
dependents, like those two things are tethered in their mind.
And that's why these are the kind of people who, um, they have,
when we'll get, we're going to, we're going to dig into what all this
looks like as we go forward.
All right.
So those are the short little brief blurbs about what your result could have been.
And then of course, the one that we didn't include on the quiz is
the anxious avoidant hybrid.
The anxious avoidant hybrid, because you could be a hybrid of all these
attachment styles, depending on who the relationship is with.
Okay.
Especially for those of you that have some mommy or daddy wounds, you know,
you might, you might have some avoidant attachment with people that give off a
mom or dad vibe, like authority figures, pastors, you might find with other
people, but you might in those categories, people that, you know, this has happened
to me a lot because I give off a very strong authoritative, like mother sort of
vibe.
I've had people come into my programs all, all throughout my teaching history
of 27 years and just get a massive, like avoidance of me.
Like I walk in the room, they walk out of the room.
They'll come and they'll sit under my teaching and different things, but they
don't want to get to know me or get close to me because they're there have avoidance
with the whole mom vibe.
Right.
And so that could happen too.
So the anxious avoidance hybrid is you approach with anxiety, needing and
wanting attention or assurance affirmation.
But then when you get it, you don't want it anymore.
Right.
So when you get, when you get the relationship you want, you're not sure if
you want it anymore.
Then you begin to, when things get too intimate or too deep, then you start to
pull away.
And so you guys, unfortunately, a lot of anxious attachments and avoidant
attachments gravitate towards each other because these would be polar opposite
kind of gravitations, you know, opposites attract, but they don't cohabitate.
And the anxious avoidant trap is something you definitely want to avoid.
You want, you want to avoid the avoidant anxious hybrid of coming together.
So if you got anxious on your quiz, you definitely don't want to get into
relationship with an avoidance because if you do, you're going to make each other
works.
Okay.
The more you try to get, get, get them, the more they're going to pull, pull,
pull away.
The more that you're going to try to get, get, get them.
You understand what's going to happen here.
It's just going to be, it's going to be a match made in hell.
And I know because I was, I was married with that, that duo.
My first marriage was that combination, anxious and avoided.
It's bad too.
And it's really bad because avoidance have a tendency to give you just enough to
keep you coming, coming, coming if you're anxious.
And so we call that breadcrumbing.
And I know that people almost always associate that with narcissism because
it's not true.
It's not true.
So people ask me one question before we get into your results.
People ask me one question everywhere.
I go every single event.
I go to every time I speak somewhere, every time I meet singles in person or go
to an event or just meet someone who's single just in general.
And they know what I do.
And they start asking me questions.
I get one question over and over and over and over and over again.
Does anyone want to guess what it is?
Does anybody want to guess what it is?
The question that I get that I've had at least a thousand times.
You're attached with style.
It's a good guess because that's what we're talking about right now.
How do you know if you're dating a narcissist?
That's that's up on the list.
And then Aaron Joyce says, do you have a husband for me?
I get asked that a lot too.
These are all great answers.
You guys, there's the men never asked me if I have a husband.
I'm like, I don't know.
I don't know.
There's the men never asked me if I have a wife for them, but the women
always ask me, do you have a husband for me?
Right.
Um, okay.
So the question is why are so many people still single?
That is the question that I get asked more than any other question.
Even some of these great, wonderful questions.
That is the question.
I can't see the chat right now.
So some of you might've put the correct answer in there, but I can't
see it because I'm on my iPad.
Why are so many Christian people still single?
And my co-host, if you could help keep everyone muted, that would be great.
All right.
Why, why, why, why, why, why?
And the answer to that is not narcissism.
All right.
It's not attachment style.
It's not, um, any aggram.
or love languages, the answer to that is simply this.
Write it down, circle it 50 times.
The answer to that is the curse.
The curse, you guys, that is the answer to that.
Why are so many Christian people single?
Simply the curse.
God told Adam and Eve in the garden,
because of what's happened here,
the relationship between my creation and itself,
the family that God wanted,
because all God ever wanted was a family.
Don't ever believe anything different.
The only reason that you're on this earth right now
is for relationship.
There is no other reason to be here.
There's no other reason that you're here.
You're here because God wanted a family
and he created a family for the purpose of relationship.
That is why, okay?
And so he told them, this is going to change that.
You're not going to see yourself the same.
You're not gonna see me the same.
You're not gonna see each other the same.
So the curse didn't just separate us from God,
it separated us from ourselves, our own identity,
as masculine and the feminine,
as sons and daughters of God.
It also separated us from each other.
It put wedges in between us.
It put distrust.
It brought in, the curse brought in dis, D-I-S.
And for those of you that have heard me do this teaching
in my challenges, I'm gonna reiterate it tonight.
It brought in D-I-S, dis.
What are some words that start with dis?
Disconnection, distrust, disappointment, disapproval,
distance, distance between us, disdain, disinheritance,
disallowed, disease, dis-ease, disillusion.
Put some more.
Do you have any more?
Go ahead and put those in the comments.
All right.
All right, those are some good ones, dist.
Someone just straight up said dist.
Yeah, dis, dis, dis, dis, dis.
Guys, let's not be talking about any attachment stuff.
I'm gonna do the teaching tonight, you're not, all right?
So focus on what I'm gonna say,
and I don't want any junior psychologists
in the comments tonight putting up anything
about anything else, all right?
We're gonna stay focused right here, right here.
And then we're gonna go on breakout sessions,
and you can show everybody what you know there, all right?
Cool, all right, cool.
Distraction, could you guys see me as a college professor?
I could definitely see myself as a college professor.
I'm like, look, we're gonna have fun,
but you're also gonna listen to me.
Okay, all right, because God wants to talk to us tonight,
because this is life-changing if you want it to be.
This is a whole nother layer of heart work,
and we talk about this, we touch on this
during the first phase of this program.
And for those that really focus
on the first phase of their program,
they really get breakthrough in these areas.
They're able to come into places where,
I'm not saying that you're gonna switch
from your attachment style to secure attachment,
but what does happen is you are able to recognize
and be self-aware of where you need
to change your reactions to things, right?
That's what happens.
Okay, so we're gonna go ahead
and put up our results from our quiz.
Everyone put your results up.
What did you get in the quiz in the chat?
Boo!
All right, lots of avoidance, lots of anxiety-
There's a couple secures thrown in there for good measure.
Okay, for those of you that didn't do the quiz it's right there just pinned in the beginning of the featured section of your group so go ahead and get it do it.
It'll take you just a few minutes do it while we're on here.
Alright, so you guys if we were going to divide attachment style by gender lines of what we really think and what we think society thinks based on the movies and the music and all the different things we watch most people would have a tendency to believe that masculine equals avoidance.
That men have avoidant attachment style. Most men, right, and that's not true.
But we think of that right we think of aloof we think of the James Dean type of guy doesn't want to commit doesn't want to settle down wants to pollinate all the flowers, not just one.
It's true, because modern media and society, show us that, and then a lot of us have personal experiences. It's not just the caregivers in our lives but a lot of you may have run into men that seem dismissive.
I know during my challenges women would always say they think men only want one thing, and I know that they want to, they want sex and food, not just sex but food as well.
Right, but a lot of women believe this kind of stuff they believe that men, they don't want to make a heart connection they only want to make a physical connection and guys if you're here, I'm not saying that's true I'm saying this is what we believe is true.
And that would be an avoidant attachment right, but it's not true. That's not the definition of avoidant attachment you know that true avoidant attachment actually shies away from physical intimacy.
They don't want to get entangled.
So a true avoidant attachment isn't someone who as my kids say in high school hump you and dump you.
That's not, that's not what that is a true avoidant attachment doesn't want to get emotionally or physically attached.
So, I actually know a guy who has classic avoidant attachment, and he actually is in his 40s and has never kissed a woman he's very handsome he's very successful.
He's had relationships and he those relationships have never gotten physical. In fact, for years people even thought secretly that he might be gay.
Whispered about him in the background, but that's not the truth. The truth is is that he is very, very much avoidantly attached.
That is very high on the spectrum. And I feel like a lot of us, regardless of what you got as the answer to that quiz.
You're somewhere on the spectrum of that thing. And it's going to look different on everybody.
But if we were going to divide it by gender lines, we're going to be honest with ourselves we think okay men have avoidant attachment and then what?
We think that the opposite is true of women. Women are the anxious attachers, right? Pick me, pick me, pick me, I need a man, I want a man, pick me.
Right, the pick me girls, you guys, that's actually a thing. If you're not aware of that, once again, my kids that are in their 20s or millennials.
They have gotten me, you know, all of the information of what's going on out there. And they're like, man, don't be a pick me girl.
And I'm like, what's that mean? And then they told me the girl that's always like, hey, I'll do whatever you want. I'll be whatever you want.
You want this? I'll be that. I'll do anything for you. Those are the pick me girls, right?
So if we're being honest, we believe that that's true. That men are avoidant and women are anxious, but that is not true.
Those are stereotypes that are not true at all. There's many men that are very far from being avoided.
They communicate freely. They are loving. They're affectionate. My husband is one of those men. They don't retreat during conflict.
They're consistently there for their partner. Some of you might believe that men are avoided because you had an emotionally unavailable father.
The men in your life have just been, they've been there physically maybe, but emotionally completely unavailable, right? Or inconsistent.
So consistency is something that we really put to secure attachment, consistency, reliability, those types of things.
And then of course, women in their anxious attachment styles, we think that women are like that.
Because they're always pining away over a man that's left them or trying to get his attention any, by any means possible.
Manipulation, deception, seduction, the whole revenge body thing in culture.
If you guys don't know what that is, that's like when your boyfriend breaks up with you, you get a hot body.
You get revenge by going out and showing him what he's missing. That's fully a, a, a media thing.
a thing that's focused on feminine.
You don't really hear about men getting a revenge body.
It's women that they think do that, right?
And so do you see how we've been brainwashed
to think this kind of stuff?
We've been brainwashed to think it.
Now, do the numbers show that there are more men
that are avoidant than women?
Yes.
And do the numbers show that there are more women
that are anxious than men?
Yes.
But we can't divide it by gender lines
because there are men and women that are secure attachment
and there are men that are anxious.
There are women that are avoidant.
I actually am a recovering avoidant attachment,
believe it or not.
And some people would say I haven't recovered a lot.
But, and the people that would say that
are not the people that are in deep intimacy with me,
like my husband and my children.
They're more people like friends, like community.
I can definitely be a very aloof friend,
someone who doesn't call you a lot or doesn't talk to you
or doesn't seem to need a lot of friendship
because I have some wounds in that area, right?
And so that's what important for us to understand
is that the area of your attachment issues
that you're gonna start to deal with
and have heart work around usually come from something.
They usually come from a trauma.
Remember, because trauma doesn't just hurt us, it what?
Trauma doesn't just hurt us, it?
Changes our identity.
Helps us.
Trauma identity.
Heals us.
Creates different versions of ourselves.
Yes, creates a different version of us.
Yes, thank you, thank you.
Trauma doesn't just hurt us,
it creates different versions of us.
That is what I was going for.
All of you said things that are correct,
but that is what I was going for.
So the different versions of us
are these attachment styles that are causing us harm,
that are hurting us,
that are sabotaging what God wanted for us
when he thought of us and created us.
And that is he wants us to be secure and happy
and healthy in relationship.
Do you believe that?
And that's not just with healthy people.
All of you that test that as secure attachments,
guess what?
The chances of you getting into a marriage
with another secure, they're slim to none.
You're definitely gonna pick an avoidant or an anxious.
Because they're not bad people.
They're not bad people.
Which when it comes to relationship,
they're just gonna have to be more self-aware.
They're gonna have to see when they're doing what they do
to sabotage the relationship.
They're gonna have to be self-aware.
They're gonna have to do their hard work.
Cool?
Right?
Good.
Okay, so attachment style forms in childhood,
for sure it does with our primary caregivers,
but it can change over time.
And it can actually change from something good
to something not good.
Not just from something not good to something good.
It can go the opposite direction too.
Maybe you had a really secure upbringing,
felt really loved and safe in your family.
Then you got out in the real world
and you pick some not so good people
to be in relationship with,
and you got broken and you got distrustful.
Did that happen to anybody?
And then you're like,
ooh, I don't know if I ever wanna even be
in relationship again because people are scary.
People are scary.
Okay.
Yes.
All right.
So the curse affects everyone differently, you guys,
but that is the answer to the question.
That is why so many people are single,
because of the curse and because of that dis.
But guess what?
Jesus came.
Jesus already came a long time ago to reconnect us,
to give us the ministry of re.
So curse brought dis, the cross brought re, R-E.
And that is what?
It's reconciliation, it's relationship, it's revival,
it's reconnection, it's recalibration.
I wrote down a whole bunch of rewords.
Go ahead and put in the chat your rewords.
R-E, redemption, so good.
Yes.
Renewal, love it.
Rehabilitate, recreation, reunite.
Yes.
Reunion is an important word.
Restoration, for sure, for sure.
Reclaimed, love it.
Recompense, renew, redo.
Get a redo.
Who wants a redo?
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
All the things.
Restitution.
Yes, that's a real good word.
We actually have that word.
We released that word over the community two years ago.
And a lot of people saw that restitution
happening in their lives.
Reconcile. Yes. All right.
All right.
Now, this is where I said that I was going to ruffle some feathers because there's a lot of information out there that's flying under the radar.
Okay, it's coming under the banner of psychology and science of psychology and different things. And a lot of Christians have begun to have begun to adopt it and and believe it as if it's true and truth.
And one of those things is what I call the codependency movement, or the anti codependency movement, where it's like, Oh my god, make sure you're not codependent.
Right.
And I'm here to tell you that it's not true.
You're absolutely going to be codependent.
Now codependency because, like I said, I used to be in the industry of social work and psychology, and we make up words in that industry to describe things that we need to describe clinically.
Please listen to this. All right.
So for instance step families, the word step stepmother stepfather, that has come to mean a lot of negative things right because a lot of times blended rhymes with offended, and when you get into a family where their steps.
Then, those people don't treat you as well possibly maybe you have a totally different experience, but there's a reason why they call the wicked stepmother.
That came from something.
Okay, so I'm going to tell you clinically speaking the reason why the word step family came into existence is because as clinicians when we're dealing with families and therapy.
We had to come up with a term to describe a non biological family.
We had to come up with the word step family stepmother stepfather step sibling. Do you know what it stands for. It stands for one step removed from biological family.
That's what it means.
But in society, it means something completely different right it's like synonymous with disconnection isn't it.
Which is why my blended family we don't use the word step. I'm nobody's stepmother. I'm your mother I'm nothing.
Right. No one's half sibling no one's a step sibling we don't use those words to describe anything here because what we do here is we love.
We don't use terms of disconnection, we use terms of reunion and connection.
Okay, so codependency is one of those words.
So codependency in the dictionary doesn't mean what society has termed it to mean. And the reason why it came to be, is it had to do with families where there was active addiction.
Right so it's the relationship within a family where there is, you know, abuse and addiction.
So, codependency is a synonym for interdependency.
And I'm not sure where the word codependency came from and yeah that's not that's negative that's bad it's true.
But you guys, do you know what a synonym.
For those of you that don't know what a synonym is it's just another way to say the same word. It's words that mean similar things.
Okay, so codependency is a synonym for interdependency.
So codependency is a synonym for interdependency.
Attached, you guys, is the synonym of codependency.
Right, so interconnected is a synonym.
So we have to understand that we've been created to coexist we've been created to collaborate to have community to have cohesion to be connected to have cohorts, the other word co on and on and on and on it just means to it just means coming together.
Right, partnering.
So if you're going to get married, you are going to be. If you look down the list of things that describe codependency you're going to be codependent.
You're going to be codependent you guys can I share with you a scientific really quick I want to share this. There's a scientific study.
I think this is going to just rock, rock your world. All right.
We're going to be talking about this today guys this is not from Christianity, it's not from the Christian journal.
It's not doesn't have anything to do with Christian anything this is from a scientific study, science, which oftentimes people think is the opposite of Christianity but it's not.
Right.
It's a proof of science that it's true.
That is what happens there.
Okay, and science is the proof of Christianity is true.
There's a codependency there
between science and Christianity.
All right, so let me tell you this.
There are numerous studies that show
that once you become attached to someone,
all right, we're talking about in a marriage relationship.
You know, in the Bible in Genesis where the two became one
and none of us can really ever understand what that means.
It means this, it means codependent,
it means interdependent, it means attached.
That is what it means in the Bible
when it says the two will become as one.
So it says here, and remember that I'm not reading
from anything Christian right now,
and I wrote down word for word what this study said.
It says, once we become attached to someone,
the two form one physiological unit.
Physiological unit, you guys, it goes even further.
Your partner regulates your blood pressure,
your heart rate, your breathing,
and the levels of hormones in your blood.
Is this not blowing your mind right now?
This isn't a scientific journal, y'all.
They don't even know that they're proving Genesis 2,
22 through 26.
You are no longer separate entities.
The emphasis, and then it says this,
the emphasis on differentiation that is held
by most of today's popular psychology approaches
to adult relationship does not hold water
from a biological perspective.
Interdependency is a fact, it's not a choice or a preference.
It's saying if you partner with someone,
codependency and interdependency is not a choice
or a preference that you make.
If you truly attach to someone,
they're gonna regulate your blood pressure.
They're going to regulate your heart rate
and your breathing.
Your hormones and your bloodstream are gonna be regulated
by this partnership and this attachment.
Now, some of you were married before,
but you weren't attached.
You weren't attached to that person.
Guys, this doesn't say cohabitation.
It doesn't say just because you share a car note
or the utilities that you're paying together.
Not even sharing a bed, not even having sex,
not even sharing offspring is talking about attachment.
Into me see, talking about attachment.
Okay, so here's one of the studies that they did
that proved this, okay?
Normally under stressful conditions,
the hypothalamus will become activated.
So they did this experiment.
They left a woman alone and they told her
that she was going to experience where she was standing,
a mild electric shock.
She's just standing alone,
knowing that at some point during this experiment,
she's gonna feel a mild electric shock.
So as she's waiting alone,
they have little electrodes on her to measure her stuff.
And her hypothalamus gets activated.
Fear gets activated, right?
Apprehension gets activated.
The hypothalamus starts to light up on the screen
as she's standing there alone, waiting.
But then they had those women wait with a stranger,
a male companion that they don't know,
they're just meeting for this experiment,
and had him hold her hand,
waiting for the shock to come.
Because you're like, guys, you don't know when it's coming.
And it's a mild electric shock,
but still you guys know the apprehension you would feel
if you're standing somewhere and you're like,
okay, I'm gonna get shocked.
The shock is coming, I don't know when,
but it's coming, right?
Okay, so they had those women wait
for the shock to come, right?
Okay, yes.
Okay, and it says that the results of that
were that the hypothalamus chilled out a little bit.
Not a lot, but a little bit,
just having this stranger standing there with you, right?
So there was a little less,
there was reduced activity in the hypothalamus during that.
But then they had, these were all married women,
but then they had them hold the hand of their husbands
during this experiment.
And guess what happened?
The stress of the hypothalamus was barely detectable.
It was barely detectable.
And the people that most benefited
from the spousal handholding or support
were the people that also reported
the highest marital satisfaction.
So the people that were happily married or attached
didn't feel the stress or the fear.
of what was coming.
Y'all, come on, gentlemen, ladies.
Science is proving what the book of Genesis
already told us about how we've been created.
Guys, we're better together.
We need each other.
I put on my Instagram today,
the very first thing that you can do, ladies,
to attract a marriage-minded man
is to admit to yourself and to God
that you don't just want a man, but you need one.
You need one.
And not in an anxious attachment type of way.
But you need one because you've been created for this.
Right?
Okay. All right.
So secure attachment, you guys,
they're great conflict busters.
Remember, they're not perfect people.
You might not even like them.
They might not even have great personalities.
The thing that makes them securely attached
is they don't take other people's stuff personally.
They don't retaliate.
They don't act defensively when their partner gets upset.
They're mentally flexible.
They're not threatened by criticism.
They're willing to reconsider their ways of doing things
if necessary change.
They're willing to do all that stuff.
That is what makes a secure attachment.
So let's run through the common thoughts,
emotions, and reactions of the avoidance
and the anxious real quick.
Okay?
And go ahead and check off in your mind
how many of these fit you
or some version of these fit you.
Okay. So these are common thoughts, emotions,
and reactions of the avoidant attachment style.
All right.
All or nothing thinking.
I knew they weren't right for me.
This proves it.
By the way, remember how we did on the very first,
the first session in this series
about how a lot of people don't know
if this is the right person.
They don't know if this is who God is choosing for them
kind of thing.
And they start talking themselves out of relationship.
They start micro-focusing on the other person's flaws
and talking themselves out of things.
And, you know, think that there's something better out there
or maybe God is like trying to tell them something.
The people that are most likely
to have those types of thoughts and feelings,
especially the God is saying no thing are avoidance.
They're avoidant attachment personalities.
Okay. So all or nothing.
I knew they weren't right for me.
And this proves it.
Like it has to all be good or it's all bad.
The second that anything goes wrong,
they start to think everything's wrong.
They over-generalize.
I knew I wasn't made to be in a close relationship.
They over-generalize everything.
They might think about someone that they're dating.
I think they're taking over my life.
I can't take it.
I feel suffocated.
I don't want to do everything their way.
This price is too high to pay.
I need to get out of here.
Right?
If they were the one, I wouldn't feel this way.
This wouldn't happen.
I would feel differently.
When I was with some,
a lot of times people that have avoided,
and I used to do this really badly, you guys,
not in this marriage, but in previous relationships,
they have some one that got away,
some person that got away,
some phantom ex of theirs that they will focus on
and romanticize in their mind.
When I was with them, I never felt this way.
I miss them.
I wish I was still with them.
Even though if you had a chance to be with them,
you wouldn't.
You wouldn't be with them
because that's the reason you broke up with them
in the first place.
Because you avoidantly attached to them,
and then you got rid of them or you scared them away.
But now you're romanticizing it.
They were perfect.
They were amazing.
That happens.
Malicious intent.
You put this on someone that you're dating,
someone that you're trying to get to know,
that you're in relationship with already,
that maybe you're headed towards marriage with.
Malicious intent.
Something goes wrong, you think they did it on purpose.
They're out to get you.
They're out to annoy you.
They're out to make you unhappy.
They just wanna take you down.
This isn't true love.
Then you'll fantasize about being with someone else,
maybe not even a phantom ex,
but just someone else that's more compatible to you.
There's someone else out there
that is better for you than this person.
And this person's keeping you from finding them.
Or this person expresses needs and it's like,
oh, they're so needy.
That's gross.
That's pathetic.
You can't handle the neediness of somebody else.
And you feel like you move better off on your own.
Some of the emotions that avoidance show are withdrawal.
They withdraw.
They're frustrated.
They're angry.
They feel pressured.
They feel trapped.
They feel unappreciated.
They feel misunderstood, resentful, aloof, empty, numb,
deceived, tense, judgmental, suspicious, apathetic,
disconnected, restless, distrustful.
And then they might act out.
They might make critical remarks about the other person,
about what they don't like about that person
or what they don't want.
They'll withdraw mentally or withdraw physically.
They don't have to withdraw emotionally because they keep emotional sharing to a minimum
and they minimize physical contact most of the time.
They'll stop listening, they'll ignore, they'll stonewall.
Do you guys know that one of the main criteria of avoidant attachment
is you don't listen when someone else is talking to you?
Like in relationship, you just kind of zone out.
You're not listening.
And you know why?
It's not because you're disinterested.
It's not because you're a narcissist.
It's not because you're so self-absorbed that you can't listen to someone else talk.
It's because communication is a lifeblood of relationship.
And as an avoidant attached person, if you listen to that other person
and you really listen to what they're saying and what they care about
and how they're feeling about things and different things, you'll start attaching.
So you zone out when they're talking to you so that you never,
you're depersonalizing the relationship.
You're not making it personal.
Do you see how that works?
See how that works?
Okay.
So let's just do anxious really quick.
Common thoughts, emotions, and reactions of the anxious attachment style.
So mind reading, always trying to read your partner's mind.
Oh, I know.
Or their body language.
Oh, I know.
They're leaving me.
They don't like me anymore, you know?
And then thinking thoughts like I'll never find anybody else.
Once again, all or nothing thinking.
I ruined everything.
There's nothing I can do to mend the situation or getting very, very upset.
And a lot of you have been in friendships with women or men like this,
with women or men like this, where they get really upset at the person that they're dating.
And they'll say things like, they can't treat me this way.
I'll show them.
They're getting like all mad and up in their feelings.
And then, of course, immediately the pendulum swings to,
I don't know what they're doing.
I'm going to drive by their house.
I'm going to text or call them 50 times because, you know,
maybe they really don't love me anymore.
After they get all mad and say that they never want to talk to them again.
I knew something would go wrong.
Nothing ever works out right for me.
That whole victim mentality.
And then juxtaposition to they better come crawling back and beg my forgiveness.
Otherwise they forget about me forever kind of idea, right?
And then for women, I think we do this a lot more than men do when we have anxious attachment.
I'm going to go ahead and own that.
Maybe if I look drop dead gorgeous and I show up to where they go all the time,
they'll feel like they missed out on something and they'll come back to me.
Who has ever gotten super cute and tried to go make your person jealous?
Try to show them what they were missing out on.
Try to show up where they were.
Oh, are you here too?
Oh yeah.
I just happened to look so good right this minute at the grocery store that I know that
you come to after work at 535 p.m.
All right.
Quite a lot of hands up right now.
Okay.
Remembering all the good things that this person ever did or said,
right?
Always focusing on, oh, they're so great.
They're so wonderful.
You know, all the things.
Or recalling only the bad things this person has ever done.
So really extreme, very extreme.
Here's some of the emotions.
Sad, guilty, self-loathing, restless, uneasy, humiliated, hate-filled, uncertain, agitated,
rejected, unloved, lonely, misunderstood, unappreciated, vengeful, angry, fearful,
resentful, frustrated, depressed, hopeless, despairing, jealous, hostile.
You might act out.
If you think someone's breaking up with you or you think that they're withdrawing from you,
then you take it personally.
What have I done?
You might say, what have I done?
You know, why don't you love me anymore?
You become smothering and needy.
And then it becomes kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy, right?
You're constantly asking this person why they haven't called.
Let's go down the rabbit trail for a second.
Your boyfriend or girlfriend usually calls you when they leave work for the day.
They didn't call.
Oh my God, they're mad at me.
What did I do?
Then you start thinking about all the last conversations that you had.
What did I do?
Are they mad at me?
Why aren't they talking to me?
And then you could leave them a crazy text message because you're acting out, right?
I don't know why you're doing this to me.
I love you so much.
Why are you breaking up with me?
I know that that's really extreme, but people do that.
They do it.
And this is where the heart work would come into play.
And you would, what would you do?
You would defuse that bomb before it goes off and destroys your relationship.
You would have to immediately understand.
Understand that you're telling yourself a crazy story.
I have a, I have a client, okay, let's just call her Anxious Amber.
And when I'm talking to her, because she tells herself these crazy stories all the time,
I have to say, okay, you're not Anxious Amber anymore.
You're not Anxious Amber anymore.
And she'll, she'll message me and she'll say, oh, I think he's doing this, I think he's
doing that.
And then the next message to me, these are voice messages, she'll say, okay, Jackie,
I hear myself.
I hear what I'm saying.
I hear myself out loud.
Because what she's saying, you guys, to someone who's not anxiously attached, it sounds crazy.
And yeah, one in a million times, it might be true.
They really are breaking up with you.
They really are cheating on you with the coworker.
And if you have a tendency to pick those kinds of people, you know, that's why you feel anxious
about it.
Because that's happened to you in the past.
But nine times out of 10, that isn't what's happening.
And so if you wait for a little while, you'll see, oh, they're calling you from a landline
because their cell phone died or this happened or that happened, you know, there's an explanation
for it.
And it's usually not the one that you're making up in your head when you're freaking out.
But you guys, we have to understand why you're freaking out.
You're fearing abandonment.
And that's where you have to dig in right in that moment.
And you have to ask yourself, why am I afraid of being abandoned?
Why do I feel like if this person leaves me, no one else will ever love me?
Why?
Why do I feel that way?
And if you're an anxious, that's dating and avoidance.
Why have you done this thing?
You're literally choosing someone who's going to continue to make you feel anxious, right?
That's a terrible combination.
Really bad.
Okay, so you might pick a fight, you might try to make them feel jealous, might attempt
to reestablish contact at any cost, drive by their house 50 times, guys, anxious attachment
when there really is a breakup, it ain't pretty.
It usually is not pretty.
There's usually a lot of crying and driving by the house and texting and different things
and then trying to, you know, all the things, trying to make them jealous, trying to look
cute, trying to get them back, trying to manipulate the situation.
But think about why, because somewhere deep inside of yourself, you believe that this
person is how you feel loved.
This person, without this person, you're unlovable, you're unworthy, you're unvaluable.
It's not true.
Remember, we're complete in Christ, we're whole in Christ, I should say.
And then yes, we are going to become codependent and interdependent, which are the same word
really, in marriage, we're going to regulate each other's blood pressure, y'all, it's going
to be great.
It's going to be great.
And does that mean if you're in marriage and you have high blood pressure that you're not
attached and you don't have a good marriage?
Probably, honestly.
And then you're also eating too much Chick-fil-A because that's not the Lord's chicken, y'all.
It's full of MSG.
It's not the Lord's chicken.
Don't fall for it.
It's not.
Okay.
So you might act manipulatively when you feel like that person's pulling away.
Once again, why?
Because you're trying to get them to stay.
And that might lend itself to deception, seduction, manipulation.
Who will admit that you have used seduction, deception, or manipulation, and you didn't
know it maybe back then, but now you know it, to try to keep someone in a relationship
with you.
I did.
I manipulated that man right down to the altar at 20 years old and he married me, y'all.
I got the exact thing that I thought I wanted.
And the minute that they signed, the officiant signed and said we were married, I started
operating in avoidant attachment.
I was anxious until I got the guy.
And then I was massively avoidant, huge, hugely avoidant.
All right.
Look at all those hands.
Okay.
All right, you guys, you know that this is, this is just part two in this series.
There's going to be another part, right?
This is heartwork.
This is heartwork around relationship.
Attachment is so important and we have to have hearts that are ready and willing and
able to attach.
Ready willing and able to attach, and it doesn't matter if you're anxious or avoidant, it doesn't
matter if you're secure, everyone can attach.
For some of us, it's going to take a little more work, but we can do it.
And for those of you that are secure attached, don't allow yourself to get in a relationship
with someone that is going to change your attachment style to something that's not good.
You have a gift to be able to give and receive love, to not think that everything that someone
else does is all about you.
So let's make sure that we're not, and so let me go ahead and go there next.
I'm going to tell you how to gauge someone's attachment.
You guys, and I don't want you, I don't, listen, when you're sitting there across the table
from a new person on a date and you're trying to discern them, you're trying to figure them
out, analyze them, it really doesn't give you an opportunity to get to know them.
But I do want to give you a little cheat sheet on how to crack the code pretty quickly as
you get to know someone about what their attachment style might be without giving them the link
to our quiz and saying, Hey, would you take this quiz for me?
All right, great.
That'd be great.
Sure.
Okay.
So here are some, here are some basic things that the different, the three, the three ones
that we have on our test that, that you can tell right away.
Okay.
So for in the avoidant category, they usually do send mixed signals.
Okay.
They'll pull you close and push you away.
You might have a great date and a crate, an amazing date where you felt really connected
to each other.
And it was super like intimacy was growing.
And then you don't hear from them for like three weeks.
Mine's not.
And you know what?
I'm not.
I'm out.
All right.
By the way, ghosts are always avoidant attached, right?
Okay.
So they send mixed signals.
They're always talking about their time, their time, they're busy, right?
They value their independence greatly.
They're not open.
They value their independence.
Okay.
You don't feel valued by them.
You don't feel important to them.
Even right from the beginning, like the connection isn't important.
It's not, they're not investing in it.
Or they talk about old partners and you can tell that they've devalued them.
Okay.
You can see that in there, right?
You can see that they're using distancing strategies or like keeping their distance
from you emotionally or physically, emotionally or physically.
They're distancing.
Okay.
They emphasize the word boundaries a lot.
And by the way, they got it wrong.
That's not what boundaries are.
Boundaries are for connection, not for disconnection.
All right.
They have an unrealistically romantic view of how a relationship should be.
They have, they're idealist.
They have ideals.
They're mistrustful.
They fear being taken advantage of.
You can tell that in their conversations.
They seem to have a very rigid view of relationships during any disagreement.
If you get to know them better and during a disagreement, they need to either get away
or they might kind of explode a little bit, might say some things that aren't appropriate.
They don't make their intentions clear.
You guys, this is really something you can see very early on in the relationship.
They're not making their intentions clear.
They're really wishy-washy with their intentions about, are you even going to see you again?
You know, what are their intentions?
These are people that you'll never get that DTR, that define the relationship.
That'd be very difficult for them to get that.
For those of you, have you ever been in a relationship where someone was like, they
finally said like, I love you and like, I love you and you know, whatever.
They said that.
And then they literally broke up with you like two weeks later.
Those were avoidance.
Those are avoidant attachment style people and that's on, they had a vulnerability hangover.
That's what happened.
They finally like express need for you and then they freaked out and I know you probably
thought they were narcissists, but they probably were just avoidance because these people have
like, I know because I used to be one of these people, super, super, super big fear
of being trapped.
Okay.
And they have difficulty talking about their emotions and about the relationship.
These are people that don't really talk about the relationship, right?
So here's a cheat sheet for secure.
They're reliable and consistent.
They make decisions with you.
They're, they have a very flexible view of relationships.
They communicate any issues that they have.
They allow you to, they give you feedback.
are good at compromising.
They're not afraid of commitment or dependency.
Dependency is not a dirty word for them.
They don't view relationships as hard work.
They create moments of closeness
that creates more closeness.
They introduce you to friends and family early on.
Now this could also be for an anxious attachment as well.
And the way that you're gonna decipher the difference
between being introduced too quickly by an anxious
that wants everyone to like, you know, meet you
because like, this is the person.
You know, I want this person.
You know, I want my family and friends
to meet you real quick.
The way you're gonna tell the difference
is all the other things I just said.
Okay, so if they wanna introduce you
to their friends and family really quickly
and they have all the other things
that I was just talking about, that's how you can tell.
All right, they don't play games.
They naturally express warm feelings for you.
Not inappropriate feelings, right?
You're not getting love bombed.
That's anxious attachment.
And usually you guys love bombing
actually belongs to anxious avoidance.
They wanna lock you down so that they can lock you out.
It's so sad.
It's like, who in the world messed you up?
Right, but it's not necessarily narcissism, you guys.
You can't gravitate towards narcissist.
Oh, okay.
And then last but not least, anxious.
They want a lot of closeness in the relationship
usually pretty quickly, right?
They wanna see you all the time.
They just feel like they've known you all their lives.
You're what they've been waiting for all of their life.
You, little old you, okay?
They express insecurity a lot.
They express how they're worried
that you're gonna find someone else
or you're gonna cheat on them
or you're gonna like someone else
or you're gonna get sick and tired of them.
They say these things.
They express insecurity that they're not as pretty
as your ex-girlfriend or your ex-boyfriend
or that you don't have enough in common.
They're going to express the insecurity.
They are not going to hide it.
They're gonna say it a lot of times.
They're unhappy when they're not in relationship.
That's a huge one for anxious attachment.
They need to be in a relationship.
They're the people that are in relationship
after relationship, after relationship, after relationship.
And if they're not, they're looking for one.
They play games to keep your attention or your interest.
They think love's a game.
They're trying to play games
to keep your attention and your interest.
If they think that they're starting to lose your interest,
they're gonna start playing games with you.
They have difficulty explaining what's bothering them.
They want you to guess.
They expect you to guess.
They have a difficulty expressing their needs
because why?
They don't feel valued.
You're not gonna tell someone else your needs
or your insecurities.
You can tell them your insecurities,
but you're not gonna tell another person
what you need from them
unless you think that they value you.
In anxious attachment, people usually don't feel valued,
so they're not gonna tell you what they need.
They're gonna expect you to guess.
And then they're gonna act out when you get it wrong.
Oh, you really don't love me.
You don't know me.
You don't listen when I talk, kind of thing.
They have a hard time not making things about them
in relationship.
It's all about them.
And you guys, anxious attachment that stems in childhood,
these are children, babies, infants, and toddlers
and children that are raised by parents
that are usually avoidance.
So this child is always trying
to get their parents' attention,
their love, their approval, their appreciation.
They're always trying to get some scraps
of some type of affirmation.
Okay?
All right.
And then they're preoccupied with the relationship
and with relationship in general.
They fear that small things that have happened
will ruin the relationship.
So they make mountains out of molehills.
And they are suspicious that you might be unfaithful
or you might get tired of them
or you might find someone better than them.
So those are the ones.
Cool?
Is anyone feeling helped tonight?
Does anyone feel like,
hey, you know, I can get to secure attachment
no matter what my patterns have been in the past.
I can get there.
As long as I recognize when I'm doing this
and Holy Spirit's here to help us do that.
That's what heart work's all about.
When you start recognizing
when you're operating in a counterfeit,
because you guys want to tell you something,
anything besides secure attachment is a counterfeit.
And the reason why is because you are already tethered
and rooted in love.
You're already rooted in love.
So these other relationships,
they're just extensions of already being rooted in love.
You're already accepted in the beloved.
You're already seen, known, and loved by heaven.
All of those things are true.
true, but then you have to make them true for you.
They are true.
That's the greater truth,
but you need to make it your personal truth as well.
Okay, and that's why hard work is something that we do.
All right, so we're going to go into breakouts for the next,
however long you guys can stay, that's fine.
But this is all prerecorded right here
so that people that are watching can get the benefit of it.
And like I said,
we're still gonna do a whole nother path session
and we're gonna do more work in this.
We want to dig into this
because this is what's gonna sabotage.
These are gonna be your foxes in your vineyard
that are gonna sabotage your budding love story.
For those of you that have read
my Married in 12 Months or Less book,
these are the foxes in your vineyard.
They're gonna come and destroy the potential
of relationships in your life,
not just romantic ones, but other ones.
So we have to begin to dig down into what's going on with us.
What's going on with us
so we can attract a better quality of people
as far as attachment goes,
and we can be a better quality of attachment for others.
Some other things that I wrote down,
seven things you can do today
to stop pushing love away if you're avoidant.
You can learn to identify your disconnection strategies.
You guys avoidance, we all have disconnection strategies.
We might get really excited about someone,
but then all of a sudden we have a gut feeling
that they're not the right one for us.
Guys, that gut feeling cannot be trusted, y'all.
That is your avoidant tendency.
It's not God.
Now, if you already know that they're bad news bears
and you got with them anyway
because you think they're sexy,
then it might be God.
But nine times out of 10, it's you being avoidant, okay?
If you start maximizing bad things about someone
and minimizing the good things about them,
that's avoidant attachment.
Start noticing that they have one stray nose hair
and you just can't do it anymore.
Just cannot look at that nose hair any more.
It seems silly,
but people have broken up with people for less.
They really are.
They really do.
All of a sudden, if all of a sudden
their voice starts to annoy you,
come on, y'all, who is this true of?
You can't stand the sound of their voice all of a sudden.
They're whiny.
They're needy to you
because you don't want anyone to need you, right?
So you got to learn to identify
how do you start to tell yourself stories of disconnection?
How do you start to give yourself permission
for disconnection?
If you're an anxious, you need to start,
you learn to identify the anxious stories
that you're telling yourself.
What is your pattern?
Okay.
And so then number two,
you're going to step out of independence
in your everyday life.
And you're going to start to focus on ways
that you can cultivate interdependence.
Just a little ways,
you guys not within romantic relationship,
but in little ways,
asking people to help you with things.
Even at your job saying,
hey, can you do this for me?
Can you do interdependence?
Start relying on other people.
And okay, so these are tips for avoidance,
but I'll give you a tip for anxious right here as well.
Start developing your self-esteem.
So instead of developing your interdependence,
start developing your independence
in the way of, you know,
spending some time with yourself,
get to know yourself,
get to like yourself.
You're not just valuable when you're in a relationship,
you're valuable outside of a relationship.
What does that look like for you?
Right?
Third, this is for avoidance.
Find a secure partner
and stay far away from anxious attachment styles
because it's a vicious cycle.
You can tell right away if someone's anxiously attached,
you can see right away.
And if you're an avoidant,
don't take that person on Mr. Toad's wild ride with you.
You know, you're going to break their heart.
Why would you do that?
They're going to drive you crazy
and you're going to crush them like a buck.
Why would you want to do that?
Let's not do that to each other.
Just say no.
I know that those are trauma bonds
that want to attract to each other,
but just say no,
this is what hard work looks like.
Recognize it and say no to it.
Right?
Be aware of your tendency to misinterpret behaviors.
This is for anxious and avoidant.
Be aware of your tendency to put the wrong story
on what's happening.
You're misinterpreting behaviors.
So for avoidance,
if you find yourself becoming Judge Judy,
you're criticizing in your mind
every single thing this person's wearing, doing, saying.
Your avoidant style is coming out.
You're trying to find permission and validation to run.
And then for you anxious people,
if you start finding yourself becoming,
you know, anxious Amber,
trying to grab a hold,
grab a hold of their leg
while they're trying to walk away.
Don't leave me.
They're just going to the bathroom, y'all.
They're allowed.
They can go to the bathroom.
It's okay.
Gotta recognize what you're telling yourself
in these moments of regular separation within relationship.
Okay?
Even a secure attached person
is not going to want to be smothered by an anxious.
They might put up with it for longer
than an avoidant would,
but they're not going to want it long-term.
So you got to work on you.
You got to do you, boo.
You have to.
All right?
So dig deeper into why you're thinking the worst
about others intentions,
whether you're avoidant or anxious.
Why, why, why?
In those moments when you're having those thoughts
is the best time to do that hard work right then.
Why am I feeling this way?
Why am I thinking these things?
When was the first time I ever felt this way
or thought these things about someone in my life?
Guys, you can get free.
You can get free right in these moments.
Remember how I always tell you
that you can do all the work with us,
but then when you start getting into relationship,
that's when we're really going to see the real,
the real hard work that needs to be done.
This is what I'm talking about.
It's going to come to the surface.
I'm sad to say we've had people
that have not fully unpacked this.
They refuse to.
And then they went and got married in this program
and they're already divorcing
because of a specifically avoidant attachment.
It was fine and dandy during the courtship,
but when it came time for that person to move
and live together and give up their independence
and their single life in their space,
they didn't want to do it.
They couldn't do it.
They started to feel claustrophobic.
They started to feel controlled.
They started to feel, they farted.
They didn't fart.
They started.
They might've farted, but they started as well.
To push that other person away,
they started to tell stories
about what this person was trying to do to them,
which isn't true.
I'm trying to help you not sabotage your future here.
Okay, so be aware of your tendency to misinterpret.
Make a list every day.
For you that are avoidant,
make a list every single day
of all the relationships in your life
and how grateful you are for them.
How your life would be empty without relationships.
Because remember, avoidants are loners.
They're lone wolves.
They have toxic independence.
You guys, we've been created to be interdependent.
And then with our spouses, codependent.
Go ahead and get used to it.
I'm going to keep saying it
because it is not the word that you think it is.
And for those of you that have broken free
from people that truly were narcissists
and you were the enabler
and they were an addict of some sort
and they were an abuser,
I know that's a trigger for you,
but that's not what it means.
Okay, we're not talking about trauma bonding.
We're talking about coming together
like the book of Genesis says,
and the two becoming one.
That is what we're talking about.
And then for those of you that are anxious,
make a list every day about how great you are
and how grateful you are for yourself
and all the great things that you said or did that day
and how God feels about you.
Make a list, okay?
All right, six, stop fantasizing
about the one that got away.
When you find yourself idealizing some other person,
whether it's someone else's spouse
or some ex of yours
or some person that you liked or crushed on from a distance
but never were in relationship with,
just know that what you're doing here
is you're giving yourself permission for disconnection
and you're going to use that as a strategy
in a future relationship to stay in the past
instead of focusing on the future.
Okay?
And for you anxious attachers,
stop acting like the person you're in relationship with
is better than you.
You're great.
Stop idolizing them or idealizing them.
And oh, if they left me, I would just be nothing.
No, you're something, you're something important.
And so you have to start to unpack where that's coming from.
And then last but not least,
I don't, you guys know that I believe in spirit mates,
all right?
So I'm not disputing soulmate.
I believe soulmate is a portion and a part of spirit mate.
Okay, so I do believe that,
but we have to get rid of the idea of the one.
The one is whoever you decide to do the work with.
That's who the one is.
The one is the person
that you decide to make a commitment to
and you choose them
and you allow them to get close to you.
And you will, you know,
you allow yourself to attach.
You allow yourself to attach.
That's who the one is.
And there's a whole spectrum of people
that could fit that at different seasons of your life.
All right, so I'm gonna let you go ahead.
We don't really have a plan here as far as closing us up, but we're so glad that you
all came tonight, you know, just, just take some time to unpack the things that Jackie
talked about, things you learned in your breakout and throughout the discussion.
And really, you know, we always do this in heartwork, ask the Lord to show you if there's
any revealing for healing, is there any area like where you can implement, like even those
positive things that Jackie said, like if you're, I think it was the anxious, like telling
you, writing down, what are you thankful for?
What's going well?
What did you do?
Well, you know, those things and really use those tools.
You guys, those are like gems.
If you will implement that stuff, it will change your life.
Okay.
All right.
So we're, we have our next path session.
Now there are other events in the rest of the month, but I just want to say the next
past session, that is going to be the continuation of this will be February.