Okay, everybody, welcome to Love Seats.
It's a favorite episode.
This is Renee Rizzo.
Bethany will be joining us.
She is just hopped on, so she's going to be here too tag teaming with me.
Jackie and David are en route to, I can't remember if it's Northern Cal, I think it's
Redding, California.
They're back out there and going to be doing some cool stuff in the next number of days.
And so we're excited to spend this time with you.
And Bethany and I talked earlier with Jackie, there were just a few themes that we wanted
to share with you.
We're going to go quickly through that because this is really your time to hop in the love
seat and be brave and be willing for us to unpack a story with you because you sharing
your situation is probably similar to something that somebody else is thinking.
So tonight's episode is as exciting and as fruitful as you all help make it to be.
So here's what I realized in my journey here with this community.
I did my five day, it was a five day challenge back then, three years ago, right after Valentine's
Day.
And I joined the program March 1st, 2021.
So I'm just about to celebrate my three year anniversary here.
Here's what I can tell you in those three years.
I went from dating nobody, to hating the idea of online dating, to dating so much online
that Jackie had me teach the course that we all still use.
To then I met somebody within a year that I got all the way to Symbus with, and you
know, Jackie always says she's a matchbreaker as much as she's a matchmaker.
And so we successfully broke me in the Symbus class.
But you know what, y'all, here's what I learned in that in that relationship.
He was good in a lot of ways.
He was not my person.
But I was so feeling this pressure of getting married within a year, that I was willing
to talk myself into a relationship.
And in a way, I'm so glad some of his baggage came up, because it gave me the excuse to
like call it quits.
And I don't know what I would have done afterwards.
So I was really ready to do that.
Then I went into a dating desert.
I call it the dating desert.
I mean, it was like a ghost town and tumbleweeds, y'all.
I dropped lots of hankies that just got blown in the wind and nothing happened.
And then I've gotten to a season of a lot of long distance dating.
And leading up to I can now officially announce for the first time in our community that I'm
at a level three dating relationship with somebody I know Gail's so happy for me.
Y'all, um, so some of what I'm going to teach you is the three, I'm going to cover three
different things that I see a lot of you talking about in the chats and on the feed that I
have personally had to walk through in the last three years.
The first one is waiting and how to wait well, because y'all like some you're like, No, but
I wait, I've been waiting for two and a half years, y'all, I've never been married.
I definitely did my share of dumping in my twenties, but I have been on my health journey
since 30 I'm 55 I have been on this search for my mate for 25 years.
So get behind me.
I'm just saying I get the waiting season.
So here's what I feel like God had to teach me in the waiting season, and maybe he's teaching
it to you.
Obviously, the first thing that we need to look at is ourself.
Now from a dating perspective, am I being all that I can be am I at the right height,
the weight that I want?
Am I being healthy to my body?
Am I putting the right foods in my body?
Am I getting enough rest?
Am I getting enough sleep?
Am I doing all I can to make my hair and makeup and clothing accentuate the best parts of
me?
You guys, I'm four foot 10.
It's not like I'm ever going to look like a tall, exotic, skinny gal.
So even in my best shape, I have to work with what I got.
So mom taught me to work with what I got.
So that's the first thing I really focused on.
I focus on a lot of the exterior stuff, right?
Because I thought, oh, I need to check that out.
The second thing that the Lord needed me to work on was my worthiness.
I had also just stepped down from running a nonprofit.
And you guys, it was a ministry.
It was a pregnancy center.
We saved babies and all of the things.
And so as my pastor said, you were like, you were kind of like Moses.
You were second to Pharaoh, and then you've been in the desert.
So I feel like most of my time in this community, I've been in the desert season.
And so I had to make sure my worthiness wasn't based on my job title, how good I was doing
in ministry, and how many accolades I was getting.
So I really needed to work on that.
The second thing that he will teach you in the waiting period is what is your relationship
like with him?
How are you?
doing with God. Now, here's the thing, y'all. I'm not asking if you're going to church and doing a
Bible study and memorizing verses and on the worship team, I'm asking how is your daily quiet
time with the Lord? Because here's what I've had to realize, and I think I mentioned this on the
prayer on Monday. Many times I run ahead of God. Like, He is just not working it fast enough for
me. He's not doing it the way that I want Him to do it. And so I run ahead of Him. I'm either
doing, and overall, I'm also doing things for Him. Like, I want to be obedient. I'm a missions
girl. I've been in full-time ministry. So I've either been working for God or I've been working
ahead of God instead of God. And God's like, no, no, no, no. I need to know that you like hanging
out with me right here next to you without a man, without a title, without performing anything and
accomplishing anything. Can you hang out with just me? And that's been the hardest one for me.
And you guys, and I've been in ministry, and I've loved the Lord my whole life. And I realize
I've served Him, but I didn't always hang out with Him. So that's one of the things I had to
really work on. So again, had to do that. Maybe the waiting has nothing to do with me. Maybe the
waiting has to do with the guy that God's preparing for me. Maybe his life is a hot mess,
and God's still working on him. And if he came into my life too soon, it would have combusted.
So maybe, and so for the men that are sitting here, maybe it's not about you. Maybe it's about
the girl that God is preparing for you. So it's either about you. The time is either about your
relationship with God, or sometimes the time is about that. And I think the final thing is in the
waiting is God says, do you trust me? Do you trust me? I think I recently said in a phase two weekly
check-in, I said, isn't it amazing that we trust God with our salvation? Y'all, we trust that He
died on the cross, went to hell, conquered death, went to heaven, and when we die, we get to go home.
And we will not have that seat of judgment because of that. And yet, we don't trust Him with our
spirit mate because it's taking longer than we want it to. So that is what He has taught me in
the waiting. The second thing I've had to really learn how to do is be willing to be willing and to
be broken. There was a season I did a lot of long-distance dating because I was willing to
leave my community that I built for 20 years. You guys, I have a very vibrant, full community here.
I've been here for 20 years, and I was being willing to leave it, to go be with somebody who
couldn't relocate. So I talked to men in like, I don't know, 12 of the 50 states that are around
just to be considering where I could go. So I was willing to be willing. The other thing I had to
learn, and I think that the Lord taught me, and this is true for some of you, like we've mastered,
and this is true for the men too. So maybe we've mastered the physical boundaries. Like, okay,
we've learned we're not going to have sex before we get married, but y'all, we're still emotionally
sharing and oversharing, and we're binding with people. And so long-distance dating taught me how
to rein in sharing too much of my personal story and getting too emotionally attached with somebody
that's just on a computer before I met in person. So that's the thing I learned there. And then the
final thing that I learned is really sitting into what does it mean to be in the divine feminine
and the divine masculine? What does it mean for me to be the divine feminine, and how do I best
attract the divine masculine? And so guys, this part's for you because I'm going to pick a few
attributes that Jackie goes over in the divine feminine and in the divine masculine. The first
one for the women is we are to be nurturers. Now, I will say for the codependents and the social
workers and the medical people and the therapists in the world, we dip over into a caretaker way
more often than nurturer. And you guys, that's been my hardest one to undo. And y'all, literally
as recently as three weeks ago, I had a first video date. I teach this all the time. You know
what he said at the end of the phone call? You'd make such a great therapist. That was the kiss of
death. Like he was done with me after that because he just saw me as a therapist and not as somebody
he could date. And I'm like, I've been teaching you guys on this for three years, and clearly up until
a month ago, I still needed to work on it. The other one is the second one is counselor. We are
supposed to bring out the counselor for the men, but here's the thing. Divine counsel is just
offering a listening ear.
and encouragement and giving sound wisdom.
It doesn't mean we become their therapist
or tell them what to do.
Ladies, we like to tell people what to do.
And then of course, comforter, peace and shalom.
That was one that I really had to work on.
I've got all this fiery Italian Yankee energy
and how do I bring it into a peaceful place
without making me small?
I know Kelly Stotler is here on the call.
She knows one of the guys I was talking to last summer,
total type B personality.
And I took this comforter, peace, shalom, meek, soft,
gentle as I tried to make me really small.
And Kelly knew I was miserable.
She was like, Renee, you're not even you anymore.
Like, who are you?
And it was because that's what I thought feminine
needed to be.
And so I'm like, okay, I still gotta work on that.
How can I be gentle and comforting and meek,
but still be me?
And so I've been constantly kind of working on that.
And then the last two, you guys, receiver.
I'm so good at giving.
I was a horrible receiver.
If men wanted to be chivalrous, I just wouldn't want,
men would try to hold the door open for me.
And like, I somehow just barreled past them.
Like, I mean, I don't know how I did it, but I did.
And of course men want women to be fun.
And so I really had to sit in those pockets
and really, really build that up.
And you wanna know the thing that,
and I was saying this to Bethany and Jackie today.
I said, do you wanna know the number one thing
that has attracted this guy to me?
Is he said, Renee, I have never been around a woman
who is so feminine.
And I was like, yes, like I'm finally getting it.
Like I finally found a pocket that looks feminine for me.
And feminine for me is gonna look different
than it does on Bethany, than it does on Aaron Joy.
But if we are sitting in our own feminine,
it's not gonna be fake.
So feminine is not fake.
And for the men, I wanna pick up a couple traits
that has really endeared me to him.
The first one is provider.
Now I know you might be thinking, oh my goodness,
that means I need to buy all the food
and I need to buy all the meals.
No, I mean, it can mean that, and it might mean that,
but it also means like,
maybe there is something wrong in her home
and you can fix it.
Maybe she needs a lift somewhere.
Maybe she has something going on
and you could provide help.
Like maybe her cable isn't working.
I don't know.
Like there are many ways that you can provide for her
that don't have to be a cost associated.
One of the things that she also talks about
is covering and loyal, covering and loyal.
And I really love that you guys,
like that has really endeared me to him.
So if you are men on here and you are worried
that all we care about is how much money is in your pocket,
how tall you are, how good looking you are,
and what your career is, nothing on this list is that.
We are looking for, we want to feel like you've got us,
you're protecting us, we're coming under your wing,
you are loyal to us.
And you guys, we both, this guy that I'm dating now,
the thing that we've said we both love about each other
is that we feel safe.
And Jackie has always said that, that safe is sexy.
And I'm like, oh, safe is boring.
You guys, I like the thrill.
I was anxious attachment girl.
I'm like, I like the thrill.
And so I just wanted to share those tidbits to you.
I want to pass the baton real quick to Bethany
because I also think she might have something to say
about travel and trauma bonding.
Because I also see a lot, we see a lot of women
and men worried that you're trauma bonding.
And then we really want to get some of you in the hot seat
and answer some of your questions.
I hope some of that helped y'all because I've been there,
I'm walking it out with you guys and it matters.
And so, Bethany, baton.
Yeah, man, that was so good.
I hope y'all are taking notes
or you go back and watch this later
because that is some jewels for lots of y'all
posting about the guys you're dating.
Man, I was just sitting here thinking,
also Renee and I were talking today
and one of the things that she said about this guy,
and this isn't in the actual Divine Masculine list,
but I don't think there's any coincidence
that she was saying how kind he is.
And I said to her, I was like,
oh my gosh, that's exactly like when I was dating Brian.
That was one of the things that stood out to me the most.
And not just like kind to me,
he was kind to everyone, everywhere we went.
And in my former relationships, that was not the case.
So for me, that was something...
And men can be very masculine
and walk in the fruit of the spirit of kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, just saying.
Women too, it goes both ways.
But man, that...
really the first night, he just really set himself apart by his goodness and his kindness,
and that he also extended that goodness and kindness to me. On our first date, he not only
chose to do this pay it forward thing, but he paid for me to be a blessing to someone else too.
Y'all, chivalry looks a lot of different ways, and it doesn't always, like Rene said,
you know, things don't always have to do with money. The fact that he was willing to drive
four hours to have coffee with me right out of the gate, I was like, who is this guy?
Is this real? You know, so just for the men, just be thinking about like, how can you show
the woman that you are dating or trying to go on a date with that you care and that it's beyond
the first date, you know, that you're going to not just open a door, but like live out chivalry
as a part of your lifestyle. And ladies, that you'll receive it, that you'll receive it,
even if it doesn't feel comfortable, that you'll practice receiving that stuff. Okay,
so on what Rene was saying, that was just so good, I had to say something on that. But
as far as when Brian and I met, I lived in Kentucky, he lived in Indiana, excuse me,
for those of you that don't know our story, which was about four hours apart.
So we were long distance. And, you know, we we learned how to pace really well, too. I will say
that it was very good for me, because in relationships in the past, people were very
clingy. And I think I relied on them too much. And so this gave us a really good time to build
a solid foundation. We did video dates two nights a week if he couldn't come in town. But if he was
coming in town, we did one video date night a week, and we would text. And it was great,
because you know what, we both had busy lives in between. And this was just the part I felt
led to share about the long distance, it's okay, if you can't get on a video chat or a phone call
every night, you all let yourselves breathe and live your life in between, because that's actually
super healthy. We shouldn't have like we shouldn't give up our whole lives just because
we're dating. It's very healthy to live into your calling live into your dreams.
You know, yes, make time for dating, which we did, we were very committed to kind of the way we and
that's what worked for us to some of you guys might want to do an extra one. But I'm just saying
some of y'all are talking every single night. And that is a whole lot. That's a whole lot.
So you don't really have you're not like giving yourselves time to think through what did I even
think about that conversation? How did I feel about what was said, you know, all those different
things. And so we met in September, and we knew that very quickly, it was a marriage minded
relationship, we definitely, you know, felt like God was leading us forward. And, you know, just
started talking early on about like, who would move, like, if we did move forward with this,
would we both move would, you know, we were both open to that. The first time I went to visit his
family, I just felt like God's just nudged me and said, like, I want you to move. And y'all,
I never wanted to move. Like Jackie over and over talked to me about it, because my spiritual
daughters live in Lexington, I did not want to move. And by the grace of God, Jackie talked to
me again, and she's like, I think you need to consider this. And because I extended the search,
and followed the Holy Spirit from two and a half hours to four and a half. That's why I met my now
husband. And, you know, then God leads me to Indiana, which it's been great, there's been a
lot of blessing in it. But it's it's not always easy, right? Moving your life is is, you know,
there is a risk you all there is. But praise God, the good thing out of it either way,
whether you feel like it's a risk or not, this is what I learned. When I lived closer to Brian,
I could see him in the day to day. And he could see me in the day to day, he could come by and
have lunch with me on my lunch break, or I could go to his church with him, because he's a pastor,
and whatever, you know, be with his family more all those different things. And that was super
important, because people can be one way when they come once in a while for a date on a weekend.
But I wanted to know, is he like this all the time? And I figured he was just because of who he is.
But that was definitely how I got to see that he genuinely was what I was seeing on the weekends.
And so, um, yeah, I moved here in December, December 24 2021. We got engaged May of 22.
And we got married September 2022. Along the way, there are a lot of twists and turns,
but you all long distance can work.
It can work. And, you know, if God is nudging you to open your heart and your mind, like
Renee said, something super important there. And that didn't end up being like this relationship
she's in now, the guy's local, but praise God that she was willing, man, that she was
willing to go on that journey and learn stuff. And the things that God taught her through
it are so good. So just want to say like, when you're doing the long distance, you know,
just be really be good at having fun too. Like we did movie nights and we would just
get together on our computers and watch the same show or watch the same movie. Like one,
one time he was sick with COVID for weeks and I couldn't see him. So, you know, we would
get on and even play like cards or whatever, but we just made it a lot of fun. And there
were a lot of great ways to connect whether he was in town or not. And then the other
thing, Renee, what else did you want me to, what else did we say? I was talking about,
I have totally lost my train of thought talking about this.
Trauma bond. Oh yes. Yes. Thank you. Gosh, that's so important.
Okay. So not with Brian, praise the Lord, no trauma bonding there. But before I would
even say probably in my marriage relationship as well, I just didn't know anything about
it. But in the relationship that I was in for six years, when I first met them on our
first conversation, we talked for probably two and a half hours. And I remember thinking
that was so amazing. I could tell him everything and you all know, it was not good. It was
not good. And here's a couple things. Why, you know, not knowing any better at that time,
we don't know what we don't know until we know it. And Jackie says that all the time.
And that is so true. I mean, I was talking about losing my stepson in my, you know, when
my ex-husband and I went through the divorce. And so I just really gave that person everything
they needed to love bond me. I did. And unfortunately that is exactly what happened. And so you
just have to be really careful. And then because we were trauma bonded, because he
went through some very traumatic things growing up, as well as with his ex and I went through
traumatic things, like instantly we're sharing all of our mess, all of our mess in our first
conversation. And we really weren't even getting to know each other. And then on our first
date. Yeah. So love bombing is basically like they're putting on, like they're pulling out
all the stops right in the beginning. And they're just really pulling it, putting it
on heavy, like how much in love they are with you. And it's very intense feeling like everything
they do and say is, is making you think and feel they are actually in love with you. And
it's just not realistic because it's not based on a love that grows. It's based off of a lot
of things that just don't last. So basically they're, they're being somebody that they
really aren't. And they're saying a lot of things that they don't really mean to try to get. And
sometimes I don't even think, you know, people that do this stuff, they are mentally not
healthy. Right. And so I don't even think they always know that they're doing it. I think
that some people do, and I know I don't want to start an argument in the chat, so please
don't go there. Um, but I think the reality is, is that sometimes people are just that
deceived that they don't know. Um, and so for whatever it's worth, um, I remember early
on, I mean, literally after we went on one date, he was like telling me how he's going
to treat me like a princess and he was going to do all this stuff for me. And we were going
to get married like within a week, he's telling me we were going to get married and you all,
I just, my heart was still not healthy. And so I just was like, Oh my gosh, he's who I've
been waiting for forever. Like he wants to marry me. And like, I just got so caught up
in that. And like the fact that when I pulled up, he had a nice house and you know, like
in my mind, you know, when I went through my divorce, the thing that crushed me the
most is I worked so hard to have a family. I took care of my stepson and other, you know,
other people's children. I mean, I did everything to make it work. And so when that didn't man,
I just was shattered. And because I wasn't healthy, um, the idea of marriage and family
and that fantasy that I build up in my mind about what it was going to look like, I just
got caught so far up in all the things that he
saying and doing. So texting me nonstop, there's so many things, just sending me all kinds of stuff,
but literally y'all after the first three weeks, all that stopped. The texting was still very
excessive, but all the very like going out of his way to do nice things for me, literally that all
stopped. And everybody's different. Some people can, you know, kind of keep that pattern up for
longer, but some people can't. But as far as the trauma bonding goes, you know, I would say to you
all, you know, really heed the advice of what Jackie is saying and what the team is telling
you. Like we are saying these things because we've, we've learned through mistakes. We've
learned through knowledge, keep your first couple conversations and dates light and fun. You're
still have so many ways you can get to know people. I used questions like even the first
time I asked Brian, I wanted to know a little bit about just his relationship with the Lord
without coming on so strong. I just said like, and I already knew he loved the Lord at this point
because it was obvious on his profile. I just asked him like, you know, if you had just a really great
special day with the Lord, just you and the Lord one-on-one, what would that look like?
And I just let him explain that. But a lot of my questions were fun and upbeat. And then the more
we got to know each other, the more that we shared about things in our life. And you can, you know,
you can talk about something with talking all the details about something. So I hope that's
helpful for everyone. And this is just really important for, I was, I used to be anxious
attachment. So that's why I kind of went right into that oversharing and then get really anxious
if they didn't respond or if they didn't, you know, act a certain way and getting really fearful.
And that really set me up for that love bombing situation as well. So the healthier I have become,
I totally dated a whole different kind of guy that's, you know, that this last time around,
like every guy went on a date with for the most part. I went on a date with one guy and I knew
the first time we went on a date, like that, that would probably be a similar situation.
So you'll start to navigate and understand and guys, the same goes for you. Here's the reality.
I hope the guys haven't checked out on this. Y'all know some women can love bomb.
And I know that there's some abusive women out there. My husband was in a marriage like that.
So just know that we're here to support you, whether you're in the 18, 22, or in the ladies
group you know, pain of brokenness when someone's unhealthy and they lure you in and unhealthy ways
is, is tough, but you can overcome it. I've overcome it. So you can overcome that too.
But that's kind of what was on my mind to share about it. I don't know. Do we want to open for
questions or do we want to go right into letting someone get in the love seat? What do you think
Renee? I know we've promised some folks to get into the love seat, so let's do that. And if we
have time for questions at the end and you guys, as I want to say this to the men, do not hear love
bomb and think that we don't want you to purposely pursue, because that is the difference with, I
think what Brian did and what Rick is doing with me, he is purposely pursuing. So if I was going
through avoidant attachment, I might think it was going too fast, but he is vet, he was vetting me
and other women and he's bringing me before his life group. We do have purposeful conversations
about what we want out of the future. I mean, he's 62, you know, he doesn't want to, you know,
if I've got dreams that are going this way and his are going this way. So we have purposeful
conversations and it's a purposeful pursuit. So I'm like, men don't hear this as we don't want
you to pursue us. Right. When we hear love bombing, it's usually done in secret together
alone. It's like, oh baby, it's just me and you. It's just me and you. A guy who's love bombing
isn't going to like Rick taking me to his church to meet his people. That's like purposeful.
So please look for purpose and don't be afraid to be purposeful. And if she's not biting,
like if she's not interested, then at least, you know, that you are purposeful, you pursued,
it's never bad. Now we just don't want you to chase and stalk either, but I just wanted to
kind of lay that out. I love that. I was going to say one other thing. I think the difference also,
when I look at that person and Brian is that there, the one person was healthy, Brian,
and the other person wasn't. And so even the energy behind what was happening was different.
So when Brian brought me flowers, I didn't feel like there was something attached.
to it that he wanted from me.
Does that make sense?
So that's one of the ways I also was able
to separate the difference.
Yeah, 100%.
I mean, y'all, Brian lovingly
and in a chivalrous and healthy way pursued me 100%.
So men, it works.
It works.
It really does.
Yeah.
Awesome.
I know, Jenny, I see you're on here.
If you were willing,
I know we promised you to get in the hot seat.
See, Bethany, I don't know if you remember anybody else.
It looks like Brooke said she really needs to get in too.
So Jenny, are you willing to hop in and share?
Because I know you left a message and I emailed you back.
Yes.
Okay, girl.
I'm gonna, do you want me, should I pin her, Bethany?
Or just leave her be?
Yeah, I would.
Okay.
We're gonna pin you, girl.
So when we pin somebody,
you guys have to be in speaker view
for you to actually see her.
If you're still in gallery, you're not gonna notice that.
Okay, girl.
You got the hot, you got the love seat.
We see it, girl.
Give everybody a quick summary of it
and then let us know how we can help you.
Yeah.
So my post said that there's this guy I've been talking to.
We met on a Christian dating app.
I've been talking to him for about a week and a half,
like a little bit before Valentine's Day.
We did two phone calls and texting.
I have definitely noticed since the attachment class
that Jackie did, I am anxious attachment.
I'm very like, I'm becoming more self-aware.
I'm seeing it like in my interactions with him.
So I am glad I'm more aware, I guess.
But, and then we were doing the app Marco Polo,
which is just, you send video, text messages,
like little short videos.
I was sharing like, hey, I did this today, blah, blah, blah.
Little clips back and forth.
And then we had our first date last night.
And I guess I posted,
I'm feeling a little bit better about it now.
But when I posted, I was like just really bummed
because I was disappointed.
And I had built this guy up a little bit more in my head,
kind of like what Bethany was talking about.
Like I definitely went on like, you know, like,
I mean, the other day I was like
creating a wedding playlist.
It's kind of embarrassing, not necessarily like for him,
but I was just like, oh my goodness, like it could happen.
You know, so I was like up here.
And then like, after the date,
I was like way like reality hit me in that,
like, I don't really know him
and I don't know if I like him.
I don't know if I like some of his mannerisms and like,
so I guess I don't really know how to word my question,
but yeah, I don't, I'm not sure.
Well, I'm gonna, I'll jump in
and then I'll see if Bethany has anything for you.
So the first thing that you did that you owned,
this is what we have to be careful of
when we talk digitally for a while,
is that we set up a version of who they think they are
and we kind of get ahead of ourselves emotionally
and we're doing the wedding list and everything.
And so when the real person shows up,
he could have been a great guy, but he's still human.
And so his ear sticks out, he walks a little funny,
maybe he has got a goofy mannerism.
And so I would argue, none of those are reasons
why you shouldn't talk to him again,
but it does help you know why Jackie always insists
that in-person dates are so important to kind of,
and then just as this is the reminder
of level two discovery dating is,
you don't have to decide today if he's your guy or not.
You don't.
Now, like at my age,
chances are that I'm gonna be meeting a guy
who's been divorced
and he's got some stuff in his background.
So I know you mentioned in the Facebook page
some of his background,
but if that doesn't define his present and where he's going,
then it doesn't matter.
And so, but you still don't,
you still have so many unknowns,
but I feel like if you, I would say,
did you enjoy his company?
Did you leave wanting to know more about him?
Did you, or are you,
and the things that you didn't like about them,
are they superficial?
Are those God defended things?
Are those, you know, self defended things?
So those are the things that I'm coming out to as,
A, this was a good lesson for you
to not get ahead emotionally,
because that part was on you, not on him.
And then, you know, you don't have,
the freedom is you don't have to decide.
You can just keep meeting him in person.
So that's my advice is you don't have to decide.
You're just in level two.
If you really enjoyed his company,
keep talking to him and let his,
let time reveal who he is today.
Bethany, you want to add anything to that?
Man, that was good.
I probably couldn't have said it any better.
I think the time, it's a yes until it's a no.
Jackie talks about it all the time.
And I think it is important to really consider
when we're looking.
looking at men or women that we're dating, you know, are the things that we're like,
Oh my gosh, do I like this? Do I not? Like, are those the things that align with, you
know, what we're saying we want from the Lord? Or is it our gut showing us something about,
you know, like, and we can't always trust our gut until we're healthy. Right. You know,
so that's kind of the thing. Some of you guys are, are learning and you're growing those
muscles on how to discern well. Um, and so I think the other thing just to help yourself
in the future, this is something, if you want to make a playlist for your wedding one day,
do it for you right now. Don't do it thinking about any certain guy right now. And when
you meet your spirit mate, maybe you guys will have songs that you choose together as
well. But I think just from my perspective, when I was making wedding album, things of
what I wanted, I wasn't thinking about a person at the time. I just was thinking, what
does Bethany want? Cause in my background, honestly, I got so caught up in what the other
men wanted that I lost myself. So taking the time to think about what did I want? And when
I got together with, with Brian and we decided we were going to get married, then we talked,
do we both want those things? Is it okay if I want certain things and he wants certain
things at our wedding and that kind of thing. But like, it's, it's healthy for you, any
of you to think about what do you want? Um, and let God meet you there in this season
until you have your for sure person that you're moving forward with. Yeah. So that you don't
shut down that dreaming because I, I understand how it feels like you want to dream you all.
It's good to dream it is. Um, and so don't feel like you have to completely shut that
down. Yeah. And the other good thing that somebody brought up in the chat, I think Jenny,
you admitted that you guys Marco Polo'd a bit. Okay. So if you don't, which is hard
to, I mean, it's like, right. So I will say, I don't think it's somebody I will caution
against Marco Polo as a form of video because I Marco Polo with a few ladies in this community.
And so I know what it's like to Marco Polo when you're doing Marco Polo, you're looking
at yourself. You're not talking to the person. And so you're not seeing body language. You're
not seeing tone inflection by language bouncing. You almost are performing for yourself. Cause
like in, and I joke around about it. Like we Marco Polo and we're like fixing our hair
and we're flipping it around because we're just staring at ourselves while we're talking.
And so it is not a realistic version of the person that's going to show up. So I think
Marco Polo is a great form of communication. I think it's not a great way to online date
because you're both performing. It's just, you're seeing yourself in the camera. You
can help yourself and it just happens. So thank you so much for being brave, Jenny.
I'm really proud of you. I know you have one more quick question.
One more just about maturity. That's something that I want. I don't understand. Cause I know
there's masculine mature and marriage minded. Like what does maturity look like? I guess
cause I don't know if he's mature, like emotionally and well, and it's interesting because the
phrase that Jackie always says, and I really like this is, are you both in the same season
of life? Because, um, people sometimes get caught up on age. So when I think of mature
mature for a 25 year old is going to look different than maturity for a 55 year old.
And so you have to kind of see where you're paced in your maturity level on how, where,
where are you with your time, your resources, your finances, things that you value, things
that are important to you. So I don't want to say he's immature because maybe for where
he is in his season of life, he or she is mature. Um, and Bethany, when you want to
add to that, cause I think that is a great question, but I think maturity is adult. Like
it is that, that you have, that you're not just here to play games. We're not just dating
for fun, but that we're dating with purpose and intention. But beyond that maturity might
look different depending on the decade that we're in and the season of life that we're
in. Do you want to add to that, Bethany? Yeah. I like that you ended with the fact of consider
what age bracket kind of season of life you all are in. Cause mature for me at 45 looks
way different than mature for someone in their thirties might look, I think to me,
um, are they moving their life forward? That would be a huge one for me. So I think anyone
that has the desire in his taking action on moving their life forward, whether it's, um,
career or spiritual, hopefully both. Um, and it doesn't mean they have to be taking these
huge, massive leaps, but.
Anybody that is moving forward is showing a sign of maturity
because that's actually a sign of wisdom, right?
And I think also like maturity can also be
how they respond in situations from my perspective.
That's a huge thing for me and it wasn't in the past.
So when I went on dates this last time around
before, when Brian and I, that timeframe we met,
I was watching more, not like in a creepy
or like condescending way, but I was watching more
how the guys presented themselves.
How did they, like I said,
like how were they treating other people?
How were they responding to me?
Were they putting me down at all
or even like using sarcasm to be funny,
but it was actually a put down.
Those things are not signs of maturity to me.
And if you look at, this would be helpful for anybody too.
If you want to ask the Lord even more
about the maturity stuff,
if you spend time reading Proverbs every day right now,
I think that will be really helpful for you
because Proverbs tells us what is wise, what isn't wise,
like what do fools do, right?
And so I think that'll be a huge help to anyone
that's wanting to know what is mature and healthy look like.
That'll be a great guide for you, yeah.
That was good, that was good.
Okay, I see we have a couple of hands up,
but Brooke kind of jumped in.
Are you still there, Brooke?
Where are you, girl?
You mentioned way early in the night that you wanted to go.
Yeah, I'm here.
Okay, good.
So you start talking to the microphone.
I can pin you now.
Are y'all, are you ready?
Yeah.
Okay, so y'all probably already know about this,
but short question, short, I'm trying to go into the bathroom
so no one can hear me.
So basically I'm from Dallas, okay?
I moved out, so I was away from my friends and family
to East Texas because I was in a level three relationship
with a really, okay, they're blow drying.
I'm gonna stay out here, I'm sorry.
So I was in a level three relationship
with somebody that moved me out here
and I chose to go out there,
but like he heard from the Lord that I was his wife.
I heard from the Lord that he was my husband
and I've gotten confirmation after confirmation
after confirmation.
Well, because of insecurities from my past
that I was taken forever to do hard work on
because I've had men look at porn,
I've had men choose other women over me.
This man, all he did was love me.
He didn't do any of that.
And I kept accusing him for six months
over and over and over and over and over
when he never did that.
And he left me, but I'm taking responsibility
for what I did.
I know what I did wrong
and I know that there's more hard work to be done.
And I finally sought out help and found a good counselor
because no place in Dallas would take my insurance.
And everywhere out here in Tyler is taking my insurance.
Hey, so let's get to your question, girl.
I'm gonna have you loop into your question.
My question is, I know what the Lord promised us.
So is there any hope for restoration
and is God withholding marriage from me?
Because I feel like he's playing a cruel, sick joke on me.
Those are my questions.
Yeah.
That sounds like old Brooke talking.
So that doesn't sound like the healthy, heal, whole Brooke
I heard for the longest time.
So-
It's an attack.
It's a witchcraft attack.
It is an attack, but-
And so, so you know-
Someone put a witchcraft attack on me
that I don't want to see.
Brooke, stop, stop.
I'm gonna stop you
because I'm just gonna rebuke what you're saying
because that's not from God.
God is not here to harm, to hurt,
to play a joke on anybody.
It sounds like you were still operating,
you personally, you admitted
that you were attacking him a lot
and you were accusing him a lot.
So that sounds like a lot of healing
that you still needed to work on.
And so him ending the relationship
was safe for him at the moment.
So the first and before we can worry about
if this is your guy and who is your guy,
you admitted to yourself,
and you guys, this is for everybody.
Jackie always says,
hurt in relationship, healed in relationship.
So this is a perfect example of,
we think we're good,
we think we've done the hard work
and we've been re-triggered
and our old stuff comes up.
And so that, and so the lesson for you is,
you know what?
I'm not gonna decide if this guy's right for me.
I'm not gonna decide if he's the person for me.
Clearly stuff came up,
that person's gone for now.
So I've got to get back in with God
to see what more healing I need to do
and figure out what lies I'm still believing about myself.
And if I purposed him for you,
God will make a way for restoration to happen.
But some.
Sometimes, sometimes, unfortunately, we learn through harmful and hurtful situations.
And hopefully what you'll learn from this will grow you and move you forward.
And so that's what we want for you, Brooke.
We want to move you forward.
So I only want this guy back in your life if it's forward, not back in the house.
Okay.
That's the last thing, because I don't want that to keep coming back in.
I was told that it was a curse on me that I'd be single the rest of my life, but there's
been voodoo and black magic done on me.
I'm going to mute you, girl, because I've heard you say that and we've spoken against
that, but go ahead, Bethany, go ahead and jump in.
So I'm just going to speak to that because this seems to be a thing, and I want to make
sure no one else gets scared about this.
Y'all, if we are saved, we are covered by the blood of Jesus Christ.
So yes, there is spiritual warfare, but here's the thing.
In Jesus name, you can be delivered and broken free from anything that anybody ever, ever
declares over you.
So from this day forward, if you choose to lean into the blood of Jesus Christ and really
lean into the direction that you're being given and receive the healing that's needed
so you can move forward, I believe 100% you're going to walk out absolutely into freedom
and nothing is going to hold you back, but you have to choose that.
So no matter what anybody has ever done in the past, those things are covered by the
blood of Jesus as soon as you turn them over to him in Jesus name.
So that's, that's that.
Amen.
Thank you for doing that, Bethany.
Stacey, you want to hop in?
Stacey McVean, are you there, girl?
I am.
I am not feeling well, so I'm going to stay on no video.
Okay.
So I am currently on Bumble and Facebook dating and I connected with a man and we started
talking back and forth.
And one of the questions, they have questions now on Bumble that, you know, you can ask
and his question was, what, what things matter to you?
So I answered it, you know, it matters to me, my relationship with Jesus, family, being
planted in a church, all of those different things.
And we, we went back and forth.
And so then his response was, I am currently not involved in a church.
And so I said, well, I'm just curious as to why.
And his response was, well, you know, I'm just kind of doing my thing right now.
I don't, I don't have an answer for that.
Like he didn't have a solid answer.
So and then he said, but I can see that you're a woman of God and, you know, I'm convicted
not in a bad way, but I'm convicted.
So then that was it.
He didn't share anything more.
So I, I know that it's a yes and tell it to no, but you know, let's just be honest.
That's my lifestyle is being planted in a church.
It has been for the past 25 years, planted in a church involved, serving, tithing, all
that.
And so I'm like, should I even do a low stakes, hey, you want to meet up for a coffee or should
I just leave it alone?
Because he doesn't really have an answer.
Yeah.
So let me give you another way to ask that question because this might be helpful for
somebody else.
I try not to ask questions that start with why, why usually put people on a defensive.
You started with a really good word, which was curious.
So how I've asked that question is, wow, I'm curious.
Tell me more about that.
Tell me more.
How does faith show up for you in any other way in your life?
You know, and so you just leave it open ended.
So I'm curious.
Tell me more about that.
Does faith show up in your life?
And if he doesn't give you any, and I know you, Stacy, if he gives you no indication
that faith shows up in his life, he's not your guy.
Like cause I've went on a few coffee dates with guys literally like less than a month
ago.
And I make, they said something about church and I'm like, well, tell me more about that.
And like, just in their body language, I'm like, this is silly.
I'm in full-time ministry.
God is not going to give me somebody who's got nothing to say about God.
And I would believe that that is true for you, Stacy, but that that's, so he's probably,
so I don't know what, how else he has answered faith conversations.
And so I don't know if you know enough to make this decision about that.
So if he's still talking to you, I would say if he's still talking to you and he asks
you out and it's local and easy and it won't cost you anything to do it, you might want
to have a conversation, but now I've given you maybe a new way to unpack a little bit
more how faith might show up for him as opposed to just saying, well, why?
As we know, faith shows up differently for different people.
Yeah, so can you just repeat that question
because I'm writing it down, girl.
Oh, you bet.
Hey, I'm so curious, tell me more about that.
I'm curious, tell me more, because it invites them in.
And then you might want to just say,
so tell me how else might faith show up in your life?
How else might faith show up in your life?
And then you haven't even said God or Jesus yet.
Like you're just, you know,
you're just kind of opening the door.
I'm curious, tell me more about that.
Cause that's actually inviting them in
as opposed to pushing them away with the why.
Why?
Why such a...
Girl, we all do it.
Like I'm not sitting here telling you like I haven't done it.
Oh, I know.
I've done it all wrong first, that's I promise.
Thank you.
You bet, sweetie.
Laura, I know you've been waiting for a bit too.
Go girl.
Hey.
I've been kind of on a roller coaster, as you well know,
with this whole dating app thing.
Haven't gotten anywhere with anyone.
And I kind of gave up for a little bit.
And then I was like, okay, I'm going to try this again.
And so I started talking to somebody
on the Facebook dating app,
cause I put that on pause.
So I was like, okay, I'm going to try this again
with a more open mind.
And so I started talking to somebody
and he said something about, you know,
are you, I was like, I'm ready for Friday
cause I don't work weekends.
And he's like, oh, do you not work weekends?
I said, no, I work at a preschool.
I didn't say what preschool?
I just said, I work at a preschool.
And so I was like, okay, I'm ready for Friday.
And he was like, oh, do you like kids?
And I'm like, yeah, he's, cause that's really important
cause I guess he has kids.
And so I said, yes, I do.
I help out at my church once a month
with the children's ministry.
And then he said, well, I was kind of worried
because on your profile, it says you don't have kids.
And that's kind of important to me.
And, you know, I want to have kids,
more kids and all this.
And so I didn't respond because I don't know how to respond
without getting too beat too fast.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, how do I, I feel like he's saying
it's a deal breaker if I don't.
I mean, I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing,
working where I work, if I didn't like kids.
Right, but he doesn't know all that yet, Laura.
So you know what I'm saying?
And so I, again, let's just give him some grace.
Like he's got kids and I will say this
and I'm learning this a lot because I've never been married
and I don't have kids.
And so for some guys who are dads,
that makes them really nervous.
Cause they're worried that we don't have practice
with children, we don't want children,
we can't be friends with them.
So I would say just cut him some grace about that.
Like, don't get defensive about it.
And just be like, yeah, I really love kids.
You know, that's, you know, that I'm glad that you asked
and I care and I care about kids too.
You know, let's keep talking about other stuff.
So I think it's okay that he asked about kids.
It's important to him.
Dads are really protective of their children.
And so just keep talking to them,
just keep talking to them, get that in-person date.
And you can see if you guys have like good
hanging out chemistry.
You got this girl, you got it.
Yeah.
I mean, and Bethany, you want to add anything?
Are you good with that answer for now?
That was, that was perfect.
That was awesome.
Yep. Great.
Charles.
Yeah, I was just about to say that.
I'm very excited to get a guy here.
So Charles, you are up and then Sherry,
I will come back to you.
Thank you.
So I have this girl I met at work
that we've, every time we talk, we talk talk.
And it's, we have this chemistry
that I haven't had with anyone in a while.
And she dropped the hanky quite a few times.
And I, there were times where I was about to ask her,
ask her for her phone number
or to go get a coffee date or something.
But then I got, I get mixed signals.
Like, I don't know if she's actually in a relationship.
I, I asked somebody that I know she's friends with
on Facebook.
that I talked to, like, and they said they thought she was, but every time I
talked to her, she never once mentions any type of men in her life other than
her father.
So completely avoiding like that, like, it's very up in the air, like whether
or not she's even single, but I find her very interesting.
Um, but the thing is,
would you want to go out with her?
Would you want to go out?
Yeah.
But I don't know if she's a Christian, like, how do you, when do I ask?
Well, again, you know, faith questions are really hard, you know, as Jackie
said, so let me give you two piece of advice about finding out if she's single
or not and her intentions and then about the faith.
So I'm at you guys, I'm, I'm 55.
I'm all for ask for what you need.
Bring clarity.
Clarity is kindness.
And so it is okay for you to say, Hey, you seem like a great person.
I know we know each other online.
I certainly wouldn't want to pursue you.
If you were in a relationship with somebody else, I would
want to protect that relationship.
So do you, are you willing to let me know if you're actually in an
exclusive relationship with anybody else?
You're not saying, are you dating other guys?
Cause she might be.
But I just need to make sure before we keep talking that you're
not in an exclusive relationship.
I really want to respect and honor if you are.
So that would be the easiest way for you to find out if she's single.
And then you can say like, Hey, would you be then if she says no, I'm totally
single, Hey, would you be willing to go have coffee, then you go have coffee
with her and see if you even like her before you even want to ask the faith
question.
And again, I go back to the people.
I always go, Renee, how do you find out about their faith so fast?
Well, you tell me what you asked me like, Hey, Renee, what do you like to do?
And I named my faith as part of the seven things that are important to me.
I like to go to the gym.
I like to go to theater.
You know, I'm really active in my church and I'm like, how about you?
And if they, if it's not on their list of answers, I might say, well, so tell
me a little bit more about the things that are important to you in your life
right now that take up your time.
That's the phrase I say, tell me about the things that are going on in your
life that are important to you that take up your time, because if they have an
active faith life, it's going to come out some way.
I pray.
I journal.
I talk to God.
I'm in a life group because then back to Stacy McVean's question, maybe she, he
or she is not active in a church, but they are active in a life group and
they're just in between churches right now.
Um, thank you for writing all that stuff down, Aaron joy.
You're so good.
Um, so those are both ways for a, you to find out if she's seeing somebody.
It's direct.
It's like, Hey, I just want to make sure I'm honoring you and
the guy you might be seeing.
I just want to make sure it's okay.
Does that help?
Yes.
Yeah.
That brings, brings a lot of clarity to it.
So if you know, they, they're going out with, with somebody to, for an activity,
like a guy, um, is it okay to, like to still ask them to go out?
That's why you asked her if that's why you specifically said, are
you in an exclusive relationship?
You didn't say, are you dating guys?
Cause you still, that still won't give you the answer.
You want to know if she's in a committed exclusive relationship, like, Hey,
it's so fun talking to you.
I really enjoy it.
I just need to check myself first.
Are you in an exclusive dating relationship?
Because if you are, I want to honor that relationship with you and him.
So that's how I would say it.
Cause are you dating?
She might be dating, but she still hasn't told you if it's exclusive or not.
So go right there.
And if it's still level two, then it's, she's still up for grabs.
Yeah.
Well, that's comforting.
Thank you.
You bet.
Awesome.
That was fun.
Thanks.
Thank you so much, Charles.
I appreciate it.
All right, Sherry, you're up.
Okay.
So.
Tried to do the dating apps again through the holidays.
I just don't have grace for it.
So stopped, decided like Jackie said, this is the year of in-person.
So last weekend I was invited to a mixer of four men and four
women, uh, hosted by a gal here.
It was a lot of fun.
It got me out of my comfort zone a little bit.
Three were definitely no's one was maybe a slight, maybe, but when it came time
to check back in with this gal, I said, no, and now this weekend I'm supposed
to go to a speed dating event and I.
Ugh. How do I get past this gun-shy thing that's going on, lower the stakes?
It's like, because all I can do is swipe left. Everything. It's like, how do I get past it?
I mean, let's see. Well, let me just give you a big hug. I'm giving you a big hug,
Sheri. I'm giving you a big hug right now because I can feel like you need a big hug.
I'm giving you a hug. I never got to date, you guys. I was like the nerdy kid.
I know people are like, oh, you're such a cheerleader. But growing up, I was the nerdy
kid. I did not date. And so once I got away from thinking every Facebook or every online match
needed to be my husband, I was like, you know what, God? You're going to give me a season where
I get to meet a lot of people and I get to be a blessing and be blessed. And maybe one of those
might be my guy. And so maybe just think about the fact that you are a blessing, Sheri, and what an
honor for you to get to be in someone's presence and what a gift you can be to them. And so,
and maybe they have a word for you because I've gotten some beautiful words and blessings from
men that were so not my guy. But they said something to me that I needed that day. And so
maybe you're just like, how can I just go put the skin of Jesus on today in these dates? Like,
how can I just be kind? How can I receive kindness? And just consider that God has something
bigger for you in each of those settings. Like maybe you're on the speed date, but it's not going
to be anybody that you meet on the speed date, but it's the guy that you're going to bump into
in the parking lot because you parked your car in the wrong place and he's going to tell you
you parked in the wrong place. Or you're going to go get a coffee afterwards because you're
exhausted and you're like, I'm drained. I need to go get a coffee. And you meet the guy at the coffee
shop because you left the dating place. And so it's just kind of changing your posture going,
I don't need to know the outcome of this, but I'm just going to show up. I don't know.
I'm just spitballing here for you. I'm just, maybe that was Holy Spirit. Maybe it means
bupkis. Maybe Bethany has got a better word for you. So I just know because I've been doing it
for so long, I get the weariness that goes with it. And, you know, Rick came into my life in a
very weary season, the hardest season of my life. I just had a friend commit suicide two weeks ago.
I was probably emotionally at the worst place in my life when he showed up and
God will give you grace anyway. And so I don't know, I'm hoping, Bethany,
do you want to add anything to that? Yeah. So, you know, heartwork coach myself,
I can't help, but sit here and think, okay, there's gotta be something under the surface there
that when you go to want to do something that you're not giving yourself permission to just go
for it. And so I would encourage you, obviously we're talking mostly dating tonight, but you all,
if we get to the, we get to that place and we have a guy that, Hey, maybe I do want to get to know.
And then we're afraid to pull the trigger to actually take a step forward. Let's be willing
to ask the Lord, like what, why, why am I doing that Lord? Like, is there, is there something,
you know, am I afraid of rejection? Am I afraid of the letdown? Is there something else like that
it's linking to a long time ago? You know, only you guys will be able to discover those things.
But the other thought I had was, and you might already do this Sherry, but this was the other
thought I had. Sometimes when we are struggling to kind of take that leap in a sense and be like,
get out of our comfort zone. When we go and do other things that like kind of launch us out of
our comfort zone, it will then help us in the dating space or other areas of our lives to get
out of that comfort zone, if you will. So I, I don't know why, but I just feel like there's some
things that you need to do to have like crazy fun, like just things you wouldn't normally do.
That's going to like, get you out of your kind of box you're used to being in. And I feel like it's
going to let that part of you that kind of is still uncertain. I think it's going to let that
part of you out of the box. That's just what I kept hearing when you were talking. And so,
and I keep seeing dancing. So I don't know if you even like to dance or have ever considered going
dancing, but it could be like stuff you, you don't even know how to do, but you're going to go get
out of your comfort zone and learn how to do it. And it could be something other than dancing,
but I kept seeing dancing. So maybe it's that and something else who knows,
but that's what, that's kind of what came up to me.
me. Yeah, I was good. I was good. I knew you had something. I was good. I was good. Sherry,
your smile is so stunning too, by the way, like you don't need to have a lot of words.
You have a very, very beautiful smile. And so I know that that will bless other people
that you come in contact with. So thank you for asking that question. All right, keep
us updated. Is it Sune? How do I, am I pronouncing your name? It's actually Sunny. Sunny. Okay.
You just, you decided you wanted to just make it hard for my parents. Yeah. Yeah. Well yeah.
Just had a question about like in general dating apps. I got on Facebook dating and
hinge and was like, okay, I'm going to be open and, and find, find the ones that say
Christian or spiritual, but so far I've just gotten a lot of people who are just not, not
as spiritual or Christian as, as I'm looking for. And it's kinda, it's kinda caused a rollercoaster
of emotions of like getting excited about somebody who says they're Christian and may
appear to be Christian at first, but then not. And yeah, I think I tend towards the
anxious attachment or getting attached really quickly. And then, yeah. And then just kind
of getting disappointed there that their faith is not as strong as I had once hoped or thought.
So now I'm kind of like, well, do I just stick with the Christian dating apps? Do I get on
those just to avoid those kinds of things? But I know you probably have even surfacy
Christians on those as well. For sure. So I will say this because I've
been on all of them. Um, I met Rick on Facebook dating and I think that's where Bethany met
her guy. Um, but I remember the first time I took Symbus, literally seven different dating
apps were mentioned of people who were in Symbus, literally all of them. And so, and
I think why I teach that in the online dating class, there are good guys and good girls
in every dating app, including the Christian ones. And there are unhealthy people and broken
people and scammers and all of them too. So you just have to kind of, um, be willing to
kind of wade through it. I call it, it's like the triathlons. It's like an open water swim
of the triathlon. If you've ever seen that, how you narrow it down is you pick sites that
aren't as busy. You get really specific with what your focus is and you kind of only look
within that parameter. But also, um, you can even now search on Facebook to put Christians
over 50 Christians that are in my area. And there's a lot more of Christian Facebook groups
that are popping up and some of them are, you know, again, you're going to find hot
messes in them and you're going to find some great folks in them. And so the way I've been
able to sustain, um, not getting tired of it is I don't let it take up too much of my
day. I've been at it for three years and I just, I give it 10, 15 minutes in the morning
and I go about my business and I go about the father's business. And so that's how I
have sustained not getting frustrated. Um, and again, using the kind of questions that
I asked for, you know, suggested to bring it up in faith. So that's my practical dating
advice to you. And I'm going to bump it to Bethany cause I'm sure she's going to give
a much smoother heartwork answer that might help too.
Yeah, you did great. That's this is awesome. I love this tag team. And tonight, um, I was
actually sitting here thinking about the fact that I went on a couple of dates with guys,
the one guy, and, and I kind of knew he wasn't my person, right? Because he, of his, where
his relationship status was with the Lord. But I felt the Lord nudging me to go on the
date anyways. And here's why I've always been very spiritual ever since I gave my life to
Christ. I know what my calling is. I've been running that for a long time, but sometimes
that even got in my way because the guy I dated before for six years confessed over
and over. He was a Christian and went to church every Sunday. And, but he, he did not
display the fruits of the spirit and he did not, um, walk and act like a Christian. So
I think just to encourage you to be careful to not, um, and maybe you really knew the
depth of their relationship with the Lord, but maybe don't write people off super quick
if that is what's happening, because the more you get to know them, the more you will really
know. Genuinely, not just, you know, I think a lot of times we look for gifts. I used to
do this. We look for the gifts, you know, that people display and that makes them spiritual
We want the men to do the same kind of devotionals that we do.
And we want them to spend the same amount of time that we do with the Lord.
But here's the thing, everybody's different.
Even women are different.
Everybody needs something different.
And so for me, um, just from my perspective too, um, I would have never
thought I would have dated or married someone that was in a different
denomination than me, but God led me to that, to grow me, to grow the way
I looked at things to show me that, you know, at the end of the day, the
denomination really doesn't matter.
You all it's the heart of the person and do they love Jesus Christ and do
they walk in the fruits of the spirit?
Um, and I know that might ruffle some people's feathers, but I'm just saying
I have learned from experience that God has so much, he has a much bigger plan
than just that, uh, and not that that was anything that you were getting hung up on.
But I just felt like for the sake of everybody else as well, I
just wanted to mention that.
Um, and I think part of it too, the other thought that came to me is that.
Um, just even thinking about Renee's journey and some of the other people,
someone that just shared their journey that's in Simbis right now, um, was
saying like they just were at the point where they were about to give up and
then God led them to someone great.
Um, and they're five months in, it's going really well.
And so I would just say, sometimes I think, you know, just like Jackie said,
there's warfare in the sense of that the enemy doesn't want you to move forward.
So he wants you to give up.
He doesn't want you to keep trying to just put your foot out there and maybe
it's time to change it up and get out and do some things in a different town,
go to some in-person things and just allow God to lead you in your, in your
process.
Um, but that's, that's what came to me regarding her question.
That's good.
And it's also making me want to circle back to the thing I said at the very
beginning of this session is when I felt like I was in desert moments of my
dating, I focused on the other areas of my life.
Like you guys, I've been working on my health journey since last April.
Um, I'm sleeping better.
My hormones are back in sync.
My blood work is good.
I've lost 25 pounds.
Like, um, you know, you guys know, I finished my book, I got into seminary
school.
So when my dating life was kind of in a stall, I'm like, okay, God, then what
other things am I, do you want me focusing on?
Like, if you're giving me a moment to pause here or kind of like still day and
still keep the door open.
And I'll tell you this, you guys stay in community, staying community, staying
community, because if I was still not in this program, kind of like how you were
feeling, Sonny, I would have stopped the online thing long ago.
I would have stopped looking for it because I was getting weary.
And so staying in this community, keeping the apps open, keeping myself open, open
hand being willing, but then also finding other things in my life to make me happy
again.
Like I found joy in things I was flirting at planet fitness.
Like I was just trying to talk to anybody everywhere and anywhere I could brought
my car into the BMW dealership.
And I was like, all right, how many car, how many, how many men am I going to find
to talk to here?
Some of them might be old men.
Some of them might have an uncle or a son or a cousin.
I don't know.
So just try that.
So it's okay.
If you're weary here, try to then look somewhere else to bring the joy back on
your face.
Okay.
Well, thank you.
It's encouraging.
You guys both met your men on Facebook dating, cause I was about to write it up.
So, you know, um, Hunter real quick, what'd you got, bud?
Thank you.
You got, sweetie.
Another thing is I want to talk about the online dating Christian apps.
Of course, some people, you will find people who are carnal that aren't really
Christian.
I think what the problem isn't so much that they want someone, but there's
nothing wrong with it, but they try to treat dating as though it's the, it's
the essentials of the faith.
Another thing, you have a question, Hunter, cause we're doing a Q and A.
Cause we're just dating, like dating, like snap, you're in a dating
situation that you need help with.
So we want to try to focus there.
I don't want us to, to go too far down the dating, uh, online
dating, like path there.
So do you have a dating question for us?
Yes, I was, I was on Instagram and I don't know where some woman just showed
her photo and liked my, one of my pictures and she went, she instantly
Instagame asked me about danger.
And the only communication we had was text and she kept, and I, and I kept
going along just to be a nice guy and didn't say anything personal.
I just, or I live in New York.
She claims to have been a single mom with, with a, who's.
ex cheat on her and her parents are dead.
She's taking care of her daughter and her kids.
And then finally she, she kept saying, are you going to work?
And yeah, I, I wasn't talking a lot because I had to work and be busy while
delivering. And then I was able to talk to evening and she goes,
are you going to do this? You're going to do this to be honest.
Cause I want an honest guy. Yes. When I wasn't going to, after a while,
I wanted to ask for a video chat and she stayed for ghost me for 50 minutes.
And she goes, why can't we just stay like this? I goes,
well we just want to empty it up and empty it up.
And then finally she got a little agitated because she goes,
I don't have enough money for phone that has videos. And then later she goes,
can I get money? And I told her, Nope. And she goes, why can't you trust me?
And she goes, cause we have all this ordered to stuff. We got to go on.
I'm going to, I'm going to press pause on that Hunter.
So the fact that she told you on Instagram that much
tragedy already screams, even if it's not scam,
it screams on health, right? So it's not always a scam,
but it's a broken person.
And so the second she said to you that she can't video chat with you,
you just say, Hey, you know, it's really nice talking to you,
but this is not what I'm looking for. And then you just end the conversation.
So I would encourage you if people give you a lot of reasons,
not to get on camera and,
or they tell you way too much intimate information upfront,
that is a good indication. It's time to move on. And you guys I've done the long,
I've done the online thing so long.
I used to think it was my job to school everybody and let them know.
I figured out that who they are. It's not our job. You just move it on along.
You can block them. You can bless them. You don't need to explain.
So you don't need to explain yourself to her.
So you figured it out and then you just move on.
So that's what I'm just going to encourage you is just have good boundaries.
If they divulge too much information, they won't get on video. You just say,
okay, well, you know what?
It looks like you and I are looking for two different things and I bless you.
And then you just block her and you move on.
Yeah. And then the more I asked,
the more I figured out this is something that it's looked like it's becoming a
relationship where she looks like she wants to be in control and manipulate.
Hunter stop because she's not healthy. She's not healthy.
That's right. She's not healthy. So that's not your girl.
You just long, you figured it out and you're going to move it along. Okay. Um,
it's 15 after we don't need to stay on.
Is there anybody else that wanted to hop in the love seats?
They've got a dating scenario they need to have.
Otherwise we can pray us all out of here. You guys, this was so much fun.
Bethany, I love tag teaming with you. It was great. Y'all.
I'm so glad we had over a hundred people on this whole night. It was great.
There was some good information on here and that's what love seats are for.
It's for you willing to get in the, you know,
get in that seat and be vulnerable because somebody else is going to have the
same exact question. Um, you have, um, anybody else? Okay.
All right, Bethany, why don't you close this? Since I opened,
why don't you close us?
I'd be honored to father. Thank you so much for this amazing community.
Thank you for every guy that's a part of this as well as the ladies where we
just ask for your blessing to be upon tonight.
And even in the tough things that we had to say, sometimes, um,
love is hard to hear.
And we just thank you God that you would just cover every person's heart, mind,
spirit, body, and soul,
help them to receive what you want them to receive and what you need them to
receive so that they can move forward. God, I pray for, um,
innovation and ingenuity, even in dating God, that we would be creative,
that we would have fun, that we would be marked by your grace and your glory.
God, I thank you for divine spirit,
make connections for all people in our community and God,
anyone that does not belong, that is not a good spirit mate match. God,
I pray that you would protect them from those people. And we just thank you,
God, that we are God defended,
that you're our provider and we can look to you because you are the one that
gives us the help that we need in every moment. So Lord,
I thank you for just in this new season,
an extra dose of grace and fun and joy. Um,
as we seek to, um, as they seek to meet their person, Lord,
I thank you for what you've given me.
And I thank you for the fact that it comes from the top down.
And so I believe you've given it to Jackie, you've given it to me,
you're doing something awesome with Renee.
And so Lord we just released that same blessing onto every one of those here
tonight as those, as well as those that will hear the replay. God, we thank you,
um, in the difficult moments, God, that you would lift them up,
that you would encourage them and that you would teach them also how to
encourage their own spirits, just as David did.
And we just thank you for it in advance and Jesus name. Yeah.
Yes, Lord, man, you all bless you.
We hope you know that we love you. And, and, uh, Brooke,
I just want to say we love you, girl. And, uh, sometimes it's hard to even.
Just convey that love and be very direct,
but we just want you to know Jesus loves you
and everyone else on here the same.
God bless you all.
We hope you have an amazing night.