WEBVTT

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All right, so welcome to our last all community path session on the topic of attachment style.

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Does that mean that we are not going to talk about attachment style anymore?

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No, that does not mean that.

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It just means that this is the last of a teaching in this series, right?

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So I announced this a couple of times, I'll go ahead and announce it again.

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Go ahead and check your email right now, JackieDorman.com and see if you have an email for me, JackieDorman.com

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and it will have some attachments in it.

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Go ahead and do that really quickly before we get started.

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Okay, I was just checking something.

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Okay, so raise your hand, your little avatar hand if you found those worksheets.

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All right, a couple of people still looking.

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Listen, as long as one person per breakout tonight has access to the activation worksheet,

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you're going to be fine.

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You might have to go back later and look for it just for your own benefit.

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I will tell you that most of the content that has been printed on these worksheets, I will

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give you the resources that these worksheets come from or where they're found, okay?

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So we'll make a list of resources, different things.

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I'm careful to do that because a lot of the resources that I would look, that I would

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go and get information from because when I gather information, I gather it from a lot

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of sources and then I kind of filter it through Holy Spirit and give it back to you.

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So a lot of those sources aren't necessarily Christian sources, especially when it comes

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to psychology-based information.

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So I want you to be careful, right?

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If you're not the kind of person who can chew up the meat and spit out the bones, then

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maybe those resources aren't right for you.

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I don't want you to email us and say, oh, I don't think this is true because it didn't

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come from the Bible.

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Guys, there's something about following after the Spirit, right?

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And so hopefully you trust me as your coach to follow after the Spirit and to give you

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information that I feel is going to help you.

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Once again, filtering it through Holy Spirit.

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Guys, make sure that you go ahead and mute yourselves.

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We've got people on here that are not muted and a lot of background noise for that.

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Okay, so we're going to start it once again.

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This is our last installment of the attachment series that we've been doing with our All

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Community Path session.

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I want to do a little housekeeping here at the beginning.

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Who is ready?

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Who thinks they can handle some real talk?

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Just me, just being vulnerable, just telling you like it is.

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You guys think you can handle that?

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Good.

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I'm glad because I don't know any other way to be.

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I'm starting to feel like this hat that I just bought is not in my color wheel and I

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probably shouldn't be wearing it.

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So just so you know, I'm going to have to have a hat switch.

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Okay, you guys, color is important.

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All of you ladies, all of you gentlemen, you might be wearing the wrong color and we definitely

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will have some help with that in our series for March.

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So in our series for March, we're going to be doing some pruning.

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Who likes to prune?

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Raise your hand if you like to prune.

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It's pruning fun.

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Look at how different that is, y'all.

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Did you see that?

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Did you see that happen?

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I didn't even set that up for you guys, but now you see how much color is important, right?

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The orange hat was kind of like bringing like a orangish sickly kind of look.

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I still like it.

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I won't wear it now, but I will maybe give it to one of you when I see you in person

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if orange is in your color wheel.

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Okay, so, and I switched the Dodgers to the Yankees.

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I'm sorry if that offends you because I have no horse in either race.

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I don't care.

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It's just a fashion statement either way for me.

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The Dodgers, maybe they'll win this year.

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Maybe the Yankees will win.

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I don't know.

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But the red hat works.

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Okay, so back to the real talk really quickly.

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About at least once a week, I just want to quit, all right?

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I have been doing this solidly for almost four years now.

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Lots and lots and lots of great, amazing testimonies and breakthrough and lots of success and that's

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great.

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But you guys, there's a lot of warfare attached to what we do here.

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A lot.

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And it's exhausting.

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So my daughter got engaged last weekend, my youngest.

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I still have an oldest child who's not even in a relationship.

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My son, he's never really been in any kind of serious relationship.

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He's almost 30.

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But my daughter.

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who is going to be 23 next month. She has been dating a guy for a couple years and we went out

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to where she's in school out in Redding, California and she got engaged over the weekend. I was

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surprised she knew it was coming, but she didn't know it was coming now. And so that was fun,

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kind of a fun family milestone for us. Great guy, great couple, great match, not a perfect match

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because there's no such thing, but great match. Okay. And they have been vetting this out because

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they're young, you know, she's young. She met him when she was 20. So got some time to kind of

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figure out what it is you want to do there. Right. Okay. That being said, I already told you that

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I've been feeling kind of burned out and there's been a lot of warfare and a lot of things. You

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guys, the first leg of my trip to this event was through Austin, through San Fran to Redding. And

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then on the way home, it was from Redding to LAX, Los Angeles airport to Austin. I had a three hour

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delay on my flight coming home. Didn't get home till 4am in the morning last night.

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Can I tell you from the moment that I stepped in the first airport, Austin on my way to go on this

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trip, three different couples at three different airports approached me and said, Jackie Dorman,

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you're the reason why we're married. Y'all that's crazy. Tell me that's not crazy.

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And that's like God saying, keep going. Right. Keep going. How many, who on here? I'm sure that

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there's at least one, everyone put your little avatar hands down so we can get, get an accurate

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poll here. Raise your hand. If you were part of the OG group of women that came into this,

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the very beginning that came to the Austin retreat back in 2021, you came to the Austin

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retreat in 21. Who? Okay. I see Bethany. Who's now one of our heartwork coaches. And one of our

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success stories is raising her hand. Okay. Um, so you'll remember this. So I did a say yes to

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the dress event during that, during that retreat. What was that? That was me taking all the women

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that came to the retreat. I partnered with a local bridal boutique, just a woman that I met

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over Instagram. And I said, Hey, would you let me do this at your boutique? She said, yes. She was

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a little cray cray. So we went to her boutique and she let women who are not in relationships

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and not getting married, try on the expensive wedding dresses. You guys, they don't let you do

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that. You can lie to bridal stores and tell them that you have a wedding date and that you're

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engaged to getting married and they'll let you try dresses on, but they don't just let anyone try on

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dresses. It's not like just going into the mall and going into, you know, whatever sad fast fashion

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store there is in there and just trying on clothes and getting your makeup on it and your

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sweat, your BO that's not how they do wedding dresses. If you don't have an appointment because

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you're a bride to be, that's going to buy one of these expensive dresses, then you can't come.

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Right. Right. But she was willing to, to let us do this. And can I tell you that was a very

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supernatural day? Bethany can attest. All right. It was a very super natural time. Anyone else

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there besides Bethany that's here tonight? Raise your hand. I want to see if there's anyone left

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from that timeframe. Okay. And Bethany of course is married. And she was one of the women that

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tried on dresses that day actually bought her dress supernaturally because she felt led to

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and is now married. Okay. So the girl that owned that shop, not only was she not a believer,

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she was, she was, let's just say she had a lot of trauma, a lot of trauma, but guess what?

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I befriended her after, after that day. And I invited her to an event that I was speaking

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at that had nothing to do with being single. It was just a women's event that I was speaking at

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and she got saved. Okay. She got saved. She gave her life to the Lord. After that,

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she joined this program. I didn't really see her during her program, you know, and I never have

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seen her again in person after that thing that she came to. And that was at least maybe a year

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and a half ago. Okay. Maybe a year ago because she didn't meet a guy. She didn't meet a guy

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very early in this program. That's when she was in it. And she brought him to Symbus,

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like right out the gate. She knew him for like two months, brought him to Symbus.

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And I was like, Oh no. Cause it was just bad. And remember matchmaker matchbreaker. So anyway,

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they got broken up. And then I haven't, I haven't seen her since that Symbus class. So that was

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probably a year ago. And you guys, I was at Austin airport and I hear Jackie Dorman and I turn

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around and it's her and the sky and they're flying out and she's getting married. She's actually

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relocating to Michigan. She opened another bridal store there and we got to meet this guy in person.

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He is really awesome. Loves. God loves her. You guys can't make this kind of stuff.

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But right, not only did this program and our presence

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in her life lead her to Jesus,

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but led her to a Jesus-loving man too.

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Right, we're changing lineages and legacies around here.

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All right, then fast forward,

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I get to my destination after that flight

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and I took pictures with all these couples

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and then I met up with a guy, a guy came up to me,

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he said, hey, do you remember me?

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I was in your course.

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And I said, yeah, I remember you.

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And he said, yeah, he said, I'm married

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and I'm married because of you.

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He said, I would have never, you know,

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married someone who already had children

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if it wasn't for your teaching and your coaching.

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And so that happened.

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And then on my trip home,

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someone on the plane, on a plane,

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I saw them like making eye contact

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and they were coming down the aisle, I was already seated.

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And they were talking about me to someone behind them.

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Yeah, that's her.

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Yeah, that's her.

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And I'm like, oh, what's gonna happen right now?

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And they got up to me and they're like,

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hey, you know, I was in your course, July.

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They were in the summer program this last summer.

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And this is my husband.

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Remember that relocation, relocation, relocation word?

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Well, they took that seriously and God relocated them

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or at least told them to go to Ireland

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where they met their now husband

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who's 16 years older than them.

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They would have never even thought twice

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about even talking to him before this program.

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Now they're married and guess what?

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The person they were saying, oh, hey, that's her, that's her.

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And then they met some guy from Germany

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that they met in the airport

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that they told all about their love story and me.

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And then I happened to be on their plane.

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And so they were able to introduce him to me.

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And so you guys, we have another guy

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coming into our program from Germany

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for all you international ladies or American ladies.

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Okay, so what is that?

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That's God encouraging us

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that we're on the right track, right?

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If you go to airports and people recognize you,

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you're either famous

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or you're just like, oh, that was happening.

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So in this case, it's something supernatural

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that's happening.

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And I actually didn't look like a gobble.

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So that was a good thing.

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And cause normally at the airport,

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I look like I just maybe have stolen a ticket

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and I'm like just some person

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trying to hitch a ride on a plane.

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Okay, so that happened, right?

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And then I was reminded of a couple other things

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that you have to understand

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because I know that we're giving a preview

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to phase two being in phase three right now.

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So much happens in your life besides just the love story.

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I already told you this girl, she gave her heart to Jesus.

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That happened for her.

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Another person let go of their never will I evers.

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They relocated.

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They went to another country because of this program.

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I was reminded today by one of my students

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that's engaged now.

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We helped her overcome a very tragic failed marriage.

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She's now engaged to love of her life.

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She also relocated because of this program

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and because of love and she lost a hundred pounds.

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Y'all, crazy.

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Cause the hard work works.

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It does.

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Cause a lot of times trauma is what is causing

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unhealthy habits in our lives.

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Not just our weight,

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not just anything to do with our outside,

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but our inside too, our habits, our patterns,

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all of those things.

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And then the last thing, who follows me on Instagram?

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Who noticed that I've been getting a little sassy,

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a little savage lately.

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Anyone notice I've been being a little savage lately?

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Okay.

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All right.

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That's just going to increase.

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People unfollow me all the time.

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That's okay.

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You can unfollow me.

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Cause I'm just going to follow after the Lord

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because religion is holding people hostage.

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It is holding people hostage in their singleness.

234
00:13:43.120 --> 00:13:45.440
It is causing what we're going to talk about tonight.

235
00:13:45.440 --> 00:13:47.360
It's causing avoidant attachment.

236
00:13:47.360 --> 00:13:49.840
It's causing relationship anxiety.

237
00:13:50.720 --> 00:13:51.800
Your bad childhood?

238
00:13:51.800 --> 00:13:52.960
No, religion.

239
00:13:54.440 --> 00:13:57.040
Your bad childhood too, but religion.

240
00:13:57.040 --> 00:13:59.360
The ideas that you have about God, who he is,

241
00:13:59.360 --> 00:14:01.200
what he wants, what he thinks,

242
00:14:01.200 --> 00:14:03.640
how involved he is in your life or not involved,

243
00:14:03.640 --> 00:14:05.440
how controlling he is,

244
00:14:05.440 --> 00:14:07.840
what his opinion is about your love life.

245
00:14:07.840 --> 00:14:10.600
This is all troublesome.

246
00:14:10.600 --> 00:14:11.760
And so we got to unpack that.

247
00:14:11.760 --> 00:14:14.120
And because that's kind of a one-way conversation

248
00:14:14.120 --> 00:14:15.160
on Instagram,

249
00:14:15.160 --> 00:14:16.960
hoping to get more and more people into the program,

250
00:14:16.960 --> 00:14:17.800
men and women,

251
00:14:17.800 --> 00:14:19.800
so that we can have more conversations.

252
00:14:19.800 --> 00:14:21.600
And I might even have more conversations

253
00:14:21.600 --> 00:14:23.480
just on the platform itself

254
00:14:23.480 --> 00:14:25.320
so that people can start hearing things,

255
00:14:25.320 --> 00:14:27.800
not just little sound bites of things, okay?

256
00:14:29.240 --> 00:14:30.960
One of the other things that I said on there,

257
00:14:30.960 --> 00:14:32.640
and this is what March is going to be about.

258
00:14:32.640 --> 00:14:34.640
If you guys want a preview of March,

259
00:14:34.640 --> 00:14:36.760
March calendar, what March is going to be about,

260
00:14:36.760 --> 00:14:38.440
we're going to have some practical things in March

261
00:14:38.440 --> 00:14:41.400
of like how to flirt.

262
00:14:41.400 --> 00:14:45.480
What does it look like to be able to connect with someone

263
00:14:45.480 --> 00:14:49.520
and let them know that you are interested?

264
00:14:49.520 --> 00:14:50.600
What does that look like?

265
00:14:50.600 --> 00:14:52.760
What does it practically look like?

266
00:14:52.760 --> 00:14:54.920
March talk a little bit about that

267
00:14:54.920 --> 00:14:56.120
in different things like that.

268
00:14:56.120 --> 00:14:58.160
Like we may even add the color thing in

269
00:14:58.160 --> 00:15:00.560
because a lot of us are wearing the wrong colors.

270
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:04.880
And we got to stop doing that because we're, it's not, it's not what we want to do men.

271
00:15:04.880 --> 00:15:05.880
You too.

272
00:15:05.880 --> 00:15:08.060
I know men think that they're immune to this.

273
00:15:08.060 --> 00:15:12.040
You guys think that you can just wear whatever color you want because you're men and color

274
00:15:12.040 --> 00:15:14.540
doesn't matter when you're a man.

275
00:15:14.540 --> 00:15:16.880
And that's not true.

276
00:15:16.880 --> 00:15:17.880
That's not true at all.

277
00:15:17.880 --> 00:15:18.880
Right?

278
00:15:18.880 --> 00:15:23.800
So it's a difference between looking like you have a liver disease and looking like

279
00:15:23.800 --> 00:15:26.720
an eligible bachelor that's single and ready to mingle.

280
00:15:26.720 --> 00:15:32.920
And so we don't want to, you know, be jaundiced from our orange hat.

281
00:15:32.920 --> 00:15:34.920
Let's not do that.

282
00:15:34.920 --> 00:15:35.920
Okay.

283
00:15:35.920 --> 00:15:41.960
Um, so we're going to start off, we're going to kick off for those of you that can be live,

284
00:15:41.960 --> 00:15:49.560
um, on Thursday morning prayer.

285
00:15:49.560 --> 00:15:51.720
Who knows that there's an extra day this year?

286
00:15:51.720 --> 00:15:54.240
It's called leap leap day sleepier.

287
00:15:54.240 --> 00:15:55.240
Okay.

288
00:15:55.240 --> 00:15:56.240
So it's Thursday.

289
00:15:56.760 --> 00:15:58.880
So Thursday is this extra day that we got.

290
00:15:58.880 --> 00:16:04.320
Um, and on that day, symbolically, because I believe that there's some symbolism to that.

291
00:16:04.320 --> 00:16:06.480
I believe that God's doing something there.

292
00:16:06.480 --> 00:16:13.600
Um, we will have a special time of prayer that morning, but supernatural Saturday is

293
00:16:13.600 --> 00:16:16.600
going to kick off our March.

294
00:16:16.600 --> 00:16:17.600
Okay.

295
00:16:17.600 --> 00:16:22.720
Supernatural Saturday is going to kick off our March.

296
00:16:22.720 --> 00:16:23.720
It's going to be March 2nd.

297
00:16:23.720 --> 00:16:24.720
All right.

298
00:16:24.720 --> 00:16:27.280
So we're going to March 4th into the future.

299
00:16:27.280 --> 00:16:28.280
Okay.

300
00:16:28.280 --> 00:16:32.320
Together here and March is going to all, it's going to be about pruning.

301
00:16:32.320 --> 00:16:34.320
It's going to be about house cleaning.

302
00:16:34.320 --> 00:16:38.720
It's going to be about, when I say house cleaning, I mean all the stuff that's keeping you single.

303
00:16:38.720 --> 00:16:43.960
Some of the stuff that I've shared on my Instagram is like, you have to get rid of all the stuff

304
00:16:43.960 --> 00:16:46.520
that's keeping you single.

305
00:16:46.520 --> 00:16:51.920
A lot of you follow preachers and people and influencers on Instagram that are keeping

306
00:16:51.920 --> 00:16:52.920
you single.

307
00:16:52.920 --> 00:16:57.160
They're, they're saying a lot of stuff that sounds good to, you know, your wounded ego,

308
00:16:57.160 --> 00:16:58.160
but it's not true.

309
00:16:58.160 --> 00:16:59.160
It's actually not true.

310
00:16:59.160 --> 00:17:00.160
Guys.

311
00:17:00.160 --> 00:17:03.160
Why do you think there's, and a lot of you don't like doctors, so this might be a bad

312
00:17:03.160 --> 00:17:04.160
example.

313
00:17:04.160 --> 00:17:07.640
You're not going to doctors anymore because doctors used to have a, an oath to protect

314
00:17:07.640 --> 00:17:08.640
and not cause harm.

315
00:17:08.640 --> 00:17:10.640
And it seems like that's not happening anymore.

316
00:17:10.640 --> 00:17:15.599
Um, but why do you think there's more than one discipline in the medical field?

317
00:17:15.599 --> 00:17:18.599
Why do you think that you don't just go to one doctor for everything?

318
00:17:18.800 --> 00:17:21.800
Why do you think that you don't just go to one doctor for everything?

319
00:17:21.800 --> 00:17:27.319
Maybe your doctor that, you know, helped you come out of your mother's womb.

320
00:17:27.319 --> 00:17:29.560
You don't go to them for everything.

321
00:17:29.560 --> 00:17:31.960
First of all, for a lot of you, they're not even alive anymore.

322
00:17:31.960 --> 00:17:32.960
Right?

323
00:17:32.960 --> 00:17:36.320
And then secondly, because they know what they know, but they don't know what they don't

324
00:17:36.320 --> 00:17:37.320
know.

325
00:17:37.320 --> 00:17:39.520
And so they may send you to a specialist, right?

326
00:17:39.520 --> 00:17:44.280
They may send you to someone who gets the root of whatever's going on with you.

327
00:17:44.280 --> 00:17:47.040
You're like, Jackie, why are you saying this?

328
00:17:47.040 --> 00:17:48.400
I will tell you why.

329
00:17:48.400 --> 00:17:52.440
Because just because you have amazing people in your life, maybe you have great friends

330
00:17:52.440 --> 00:17:56.360
that you've known for a long time, or you have great mentors in your church, or you

331
00:17:56.360 --> 00:18:00.120
have a great pastor at your church or a great therapist.

332
00:18:00.120 --> 00:18:01.120
That's a really good one.

333
00:18:01.120 --> 00:18:03.840
A great therapist that helps you unpack stuff.

334
00:18:03.840 --> 00:18:07.640
And you've been doing that therapy in conjunction with what we do here.

335
00:18:07.640 --> 00:18:08.800
All right, great.

336
00:18:08.800 --> 00:18:11.360
They don't carry the same anointing that I carry.

337
00:18:11.360 --> 00:18:13.960
They don't carry the same anointing that this program carries.

338
00:18:13.960 --> 00:18:20.040
I have seen so many pastors tell people they signed off on someone marrying someone that

339
00:18:20.040 --> 00:18:21.040
was bad news bears.

340
00:18:21.040 --> 00:18:22.040
Why?

341
00:18:22.040 --> 00:18:24.320
Because they don't see things like that.

342
00:18:24.320 --> 00:18:27.080
They don't understand what's deeper there.

343
00:18:27.080 --> 00:18:31.620
I just got a call from someone a couple of weeks ago that told me that the reason why

344
00:18:31.620 --> 00:18:40.920
they went ahead with marrying someone after I begged them not to, yikes, is because their

345
00:18:40.920 --> 00:18:47.880
therapist, who they've known for years and years and years, said that they thought that

346
00:18:47.880 --> 00:18:53.680
it was just a void in attachment that was causing them to try to cut and run at the

347
00:18:53.680 --> 00:18:54.680
last minute.

348
00:18:54.680 --> 00:19:01.440
Y'all, I had a late at night conversation with this person the two days before their

349
00:19:01.440 --> 00:19:07.120
wedding, like at three o'clock in the morning, asking them to just hold off and wait, asking

350
00:19:07.120 --> 00:19:11.840
them to give it some more time and to not just press forward in there.

351
00:19:11.840 --> 00:19:15.440
You guys, you have to trust the process and the community.

352
00:19:15.440 --> 00:19:19.280
And I'm not saying that to be like, Jackie's going to tell you about your love story.

353
00:19:19.280 --> 00:19:24.920
I'm talking about the anointing that is on this program to help keep you out of trouble

354
00:19:24.920 --> 00:19:29.600
in the area of your love life and to help you to push forward and let it be a yes until

355
00:19:29.600 --> 00:19:33.600
it's a no, instead of cutting and running from something that could really be good.

356
00:19:33.600 --> 00:19:35.000
All right?

357
00:19:35.000 --> 00:19:41.360
So please focus on the material that is shared here.

358
00:19:41.360 --> 00:19:43.000
God brought you here.

359
00:19:43.000 --> 00:19:45.560
He brought you here to help you in this area.

360
00:19:45.560 --> 00:19:47.240
Can we help you with your taxes?

361
00:19:47.240 --> 00:19:48.800
No, we can't.

362
00:19:48.800 --> 00:19:52.040
Can we help you with whatever else, other areas of your stuff?

363
00:19:52.040 --> 00:19:54.040
No, we're going to send you to a specialist.

364
00:19:54.040 --> 00:19:57.800
Maybe we'll bring a specialist in here to talk about those areas so that you can be

365
00:19:57.800 --> 00:19:59.880
ready to partner with someone.

366
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:03.200
to do that, like to bring people in that have more information than we do on

367
00:20:03.200 --> 00:20:04.000
other subjects.

368
00:20:04.200 --> 00:20:08.000
But when it comes to this, God has given us a big piece of the pie.

369
00:20:08.400 --> 00:20:08.700
All right.

370
00:20:08.700 --> 00:20:13.500
He has given us a lot of the wisdom to help you in this area.

371
00:20:13.600 --> 00:20:15.100
So please take advantage of it.

372
00:20:15.500 --> 00:20:16.500
Please take advantage of it.

373
00:20:16.500 --> 00:20:16.900
Okay.

374
00:20:17.100 --> 00:20:17.400
All right.

375
00:20:17.500 --> 00:20:18.200
That's all I want to say.

376
00:20:19.400 --> 00:20:19.700
All right.

377
00:20:19.900 --> 00:20:20.900
So now we're going to have fun.

378
00:20:21.000 --> 00:20:21.300
That's right.

379
00:20:21.300 --> 00:20:21.800
To have fun.

380
00:20:22.800 --> 00:20:23.800
Couple worksheets.

381
00:20:24.500 --> 00:20:28.400
We have the attachment style activation worksheet, which we are going to do

382
00:20:28.400 --> 00:20:30.500
and break out here in just a few minutes.

383
00:20:30.800 --> 00:20:32.600
And then we have the cheat sheet.

384
00:20:32.700 --> 00:20:37.000
I want to explain this because a lot of you that are already scared of getting

385
00:20:37.000 --> 00:20:43.900
with the wrong person are going to use this as kind of a manifesto of cutting

386
00:20:43.900 --> 00:20:46.700
and running and we're not going to let you do that.

387
00:20:46.900 --> 00:20:47.400
All right.

388
00:20:48.700 --> 00:20:50.500
So I'm going to say something very shocking.

389
00:20:51.300 --> 00:20:57.000
You can have a healthy marriage with people that do not have a secure

390
00:20:57.000 --> 00:20:57.900
attachment style.

391
00:20:58.500 --> 00:21:07.400
You can have a healthy relationship while you do not have a secure

392
00:21:07.400 --> 00:21:08.300
attachment style.

393
00:21:10.100 --> 00:21:11.400
It's about self-awareness.

394
00:21:13.400 --> 00:21:14.700
It's about self-awareness.

395
00:21:14.900 --> 00:21:18.500
It's about being willing to recognize the stories that you're telling

396
00:21:18.500 --> 00:21:19.200
yourself.

397
00:21:19.400 --> 00:21:23.700
It's about being willing to recognize the patterns that you have in

398
00:21:23.700 --> 00:21:29.000
relationship and it is about communication and learning and growing

399
00:21:29.000 --> 00:21:29.600
together.

400
00:21:31.100 --> 00:21:33.700
Do I think that people's attachment style change?

401
00:21:33.700 --> 00:21:34.400
Does it change?

402
00:21:34.400 --> 00:21:37.400
Like if you were on the test, hopefully you all took the test.

403
00:21:37.800 --> 00:21:40.700
If you're here and you didn't take the test, we gave a test.

404
00:21:40.700 --> 00:21:44.800
Okay, that tells you where you are right now with attachment.

405
00:21:45.800 --> 00:21:48.000
Do I think that it can change to secure?

406
00:21:48.300 --> 00:21:52.600
I think over time you can get more and more and more and more secure in

407
00:21:52.600 --> 00:21:53.400
relationship.

408
00:21:53.600 --> 00:21:56.700
Do I think that you might always kind of have a tendency to think a

409
00:21:56.700 --> 00:21:59.100
certain way if you're not watching out?

410
00:21:59.500 --> 00:22:00.200
Probably.

411
00:22:01.400 --> 00:22:05.800
Okay, because personality goes into this and experience goes into this

412
00:22:05.800 --> 00:22:07.500
and so many things go into it.

413
00:22:08.000 --> 00:22:13.600
I am a perfect example of how you can have a very unhealthy attachment

414
00:22:13.600 --> 00:22:16.600
style and still end up very happily married.

415
00:22:18.200 --> 00:22:18.800
Right?

416
00:22:19.500 --> 00:22:20.500
The hard work works.

417
00:22:21.000 --> 00:22:21.600
It does.

418
00:22:21.600 --> 00:22:22.000
Okay.

419
00:22:23.000 --> 00:22:28.200
So I just want to say that so don't use this as like a you're going to

420
00:22:28.200 --> 00:22:31.200
carry it around in your purse or in your wallet and kind of take it out

421
00:22:31.200 --> 00:22:33.600
and put it under the table during the date and sort of like kind of be

422
00:22:33.600 --> 00:22:38.700
checking off things as the person is talking to you and then just like

423
00:22:38.700 --> 00:22:41.100
use it as a reason to not see them again.

424
00:22:41.700 --> 00:22:42.500
Don't do that.

425
00:22:42.600 --> 00:22:43.000
Okay.

426
00:22:44.200 --> 00:22:44.500
All right.

427
00:22:44.500 --> 00:22:50.100
So for the sake of a little recap, I'm just going to briefly give a tiny

428
00:22:50.100 --> 00:22:54.600
little synopsis of the different attachments secure a secure attachment.

429
00:22:54.600 --> 00:22:57.800
If that's what you got on your quiz, it is you can give and receive love

430
00:22:57.800 --> 00:23:00.900
and you feel comfortable with intimacy and vulnerability for the most part.

431
00:23:01.400 --> 00:23:03.400
Everybody has areas where they get a little sketch.

432
00:23:03.400 --> 00:23:06.900
All right, but for the most part you can receive and give love.

433
00:23:07.000 --> 00:23:09.000
Does that mean you're the friendliest person in the world?

434
00:23:09.100 --> 00:23:11.000
No doesn't mean that you have the most friends.

435
00:23:11.000 --> 00:23:13.400
No doesn't mean that you have the most relationships.

436
00:23:13.700 --> 00:23:19.200
No, it has nothing to do with being friendly or extroverted or you know,

437
00:23:19.200 --> 00:23:19.900
gregarious.

438
00:23:19.900 --> 00:23:21.400
It doesn't have anything to do with any of that.

439
00:23:21.800 --> 00:23:26.200
You can actually be someone who isn't really good at making new friends

440
00:23:26.200 --> 00:23:28.800
or being you know, finding relationship.

441
00:23:29.000 --> 00:23:32.500
You're just when you're in a relationship you have a tendency to

442
00:23:32.500 --> 00:23:37.600
look at things more realistically and not through the lens of anxiety or

443
00:23:37.600 --> 00:23:38.300
avoidance.

444
00:23:38.300 --> 00:23:38.800
Okay.

445
00:23:38.800 --> 00:23:41.900
All right anxious you approach relationships from a place of fear of

446
00:23:41.900 --> 00:23:46.500
rejection from the get-go right and then you have a tendency to use

447
00:23:46.500 --> 00:23:49.300
manipulation and a lot of people don't realize they're being manipulative

448
00:23:49.300 --> 00:23:53.600
on their being manipulative because that is not a premeditated situation

449
00:23:54.700 --> 00:23:59.100
but use manipulation and games to try to keep interest because a lot of

450
00:23:59.100 --> 00:24:00.900
times you feel like people are pulling away from you.

451
00:24:01.500 --> 00:24:04.700
All right, you see things that are not there you tell yourself stories

452
00:24:04.700 --> 00:24:08.100
that hurt your own feelings a lot and then you're preoccupied with

453
00:24:08.100 --> 00:24:12.800
relationship and with getting relationship because you have an unhealthy

454
00:24:13.100 --> 00:24:17.600
need for relationship because you're not you know, you're not anchored

455
00:24:17.600 --> 00:24:19.000
in your own self-worth.

456
00:24:20.000 --> 00:24:22.100
So you got to get that hole in Christ part down.

457
00:24:22.100 --> 00:24:23.100
All right, that's good.

458
00:24:23.800 --> 00:24:26.000
All right, and you have a problem with feeling accepted.

459
00:24:26.000 --> 00:24:26.700
So that's good.

460
00:24:27.700 --> 00:24:31.600
I mean, it's not good but that's what it is and then avoidance same

461
00:24:31.600 --> 00:24:37.200
thing approach from a place of fear of being controlled not of being

462
00:24:37.200 --> 00:24:39.300
rejected of being controlled, right?

463
00:24:39.300 --> 00:24:40.500
You're scared of being controlled.

464
00:24:40.500 --> 00:24:43.700
You're scared of being boxed in you're scared of not having any options.

465
00:24:43.700 --> 00:24:46.700
You like to keep your options open and this is going to bleed over into

466
00:24:46.700 --> 00:24:48.000
other areas of your life.

467
00:24:48.100 --> 00:24:49.900
You're the kind of person that doesn't want to make plans.

468
00:24:49.900 --> 00:24:53.900
You don't want to necessarily commit yourself.

469
00:24:53.900 --> 00:24:58.700
You don't like commitment commitment makes you feel not good.

470
00:24:59.500 --> 00:25:00.000
Okay.

471
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:07.000
And you equate relationship with a loss of independence.

472
00:25:07.000 --> 00:25:10.000
Good. All right.

473
00:25:11.000 --> 00:25:13.000
So you want to take a little poll.

474
00:25:13.000 --> 00:25:32.000
Raise your hand if you test it out as a avoidant.

475
00:25:32.000 --> 00:25:38.000
All right, go ahead and lower your hands.

476
00:25:38.000 --> 00:25:48.000
Raise your hand if you test it out as a secure.

477
00:25:48.000 --> 00:25:59.000
Some of y'all cheated on that test because I know some of y'all got your hands up.

478
00:25:59.000 --> 00:26:00.000
Okay.

479
00:26:00.000 --> 00:26:02.000
And put those down.

480
00:26:02.000 --> 00:26:05.000
And then I'll wait.

481
00:26:05.000 --> 00:26:09.000
All right.

482
00:26:09.000 --> 00:26:13.000
You guys, you have to keep your stuff muted.

483
00:26:13.000 --> 00:26:16.000
Everyone can hear everything that's going on at your house.

484
00:26:16.000 --> 00:26:17.000
All right.

485
00:26:17.000 --> 00:26:25.000
Put your hand up if you test it out as an anxious attachment.

486
00:26:25.000 --> 00:26:27.000
And usually that's the majority.

487
00:26:27.000 --> 00:26:29.000
All right, look at all those hands, you guys.

488
00:26:29.000 --> 00:26:31.000
That is a lot of people.

489
00:26:31.000 --> 00:26:32.000
Okay.

490
00:26:32.000 --> 00:26:33.000
Cool.

491
00:26:33.000 --> 00:26:34.000
Good news.

492
00:26:34.000 --> 00:26:36.000
You can be in a healthy relationship.

493
00:26:36.000 --> 00:26:38.000
It doesn't matter what you test it out as.

494
00:26:38.000 --> 00:26:40.000
You can be in a healthy relationship.

495
00:26:40.000 --> 00:26:41.000
You can.

496
00:26:41.000 --> 00:26:43.000
You can do it.

497
00:26:43.000 --> 00:26:46.000
All right.

498
00:26:46.000 --> 00:26:48.000
So we're going to have some fun now.

499
00:26:48.000 --> 00:26:50.000
So we're going to go into breakout.

500
00:26:50.000 --> 00:26:53.000
So Cheryl, go ahead and prepare those breakout rooms.

501
00:26:53.000 --> 00:26:55.000
Let's see how many people do we have live.

502
00:26:55.000 --> 00:26:58.000
We have 183.

503
00:26:58.000 --> 00:27:02.000
Let's make the rooms about six to seven people.

504
00:27:02.000 --> 00:27:07.000
All right.

505
00:27:07.000 --> 00:27:09.000
You guys,

506
00:27:09.000 --> 00:27:14.000
you're not going to have tons and tons of time in this room.

507
00:27:14.000 --> 00:27:16.000
So let's keep the hi, how are you's to a minimum.

508
00:27:16.000 --> 00:27:18.000
You can introduce yourself and say hi.

509
00:27:18.000 --> 00:27:20.000
But let's not go into.

510
00:27:20.000 --> 00:27:21.000
You know,

511
00:27:21.000 --> 00:27:27.000
any kind of big long introductions because we're going to do this.

512
00:27:27.000 --> 00:27:28.000
All right.

513
00:27:29.000 --> 00:27:30.000
All right.

514
00:27:30.000 --> 00:27:31.000
So let's get started.

515
00:27:31.000 --> 00:27:33.000
So we have this worksheet that we emailed.

516
00:27:33.000 --> 00:27:35.000
We emailed out today called attachment style.

517
00:27:35.000 --> 00:27:39.000
Okay.

518
00:27:39.000 --> 00:27:43.000
And then what you're going to do is you're going to have.

519
00:27:43.000 --> 00:27:46.000
You guys can switch off one person doesn't have to take control and be

520
00:27:46.000 --> 00:27:47.000
the, you know, the room.

521
00:27:47.000 --> 00:27:49.000
The room mom or the room dad.

522
00:27:49.000 --> 00:27:50.000
Okay.

523
00:27:50.000 --> 00:27:55.000
You're going to read through these.

524
00:27:55.000 --> 00:27:59.000
You're going to have one, two, three, four, five, six of them.

525
00:27:59.000 --> 00:28:01.000
Going to read through them.

526
00:28:01.000 --> 00:28:03.000
And then at the end of reading through them,

527
00:28:03.000 --> 00:28:07.000
you're going to decide if this person that the story is about.

528
00:28:07.000 --> 00:28:10.000
Is avoidance secure.

529
00:28:10.000 --> 00:28:13.000
Or.

530
00:28:13.000 --> 00:28:15.000
Avoidance secure anxious.

531
00:28:15.000 --> 00:28:16.000
Okay.

532
00:28:16.000 --> 00:28:18.000
And then you're going to have someone scribe it down and write down like

533
00:28:18.000 --> 00:28:20.000
story one, Annabelle.

534
00:28:20.000 --> 00:28:22.000
Blank, whatever.

535
00:28:22.000 --> 00:28:23.000
Okay.

536
00:28:23.000 --> 00:28:25.000
And then you're going to have someone.

537
00:28:25.000 --> 00:28:32.000
Actually discuss why.

538
00:28:32.000 --> 00:28:35.000
Okay. In the story point to what makes that true.

539
00:28:35.000 --> 00:28:36.000
Why do you think it's true?

540
00:28:36.000 --> 00:28:37.000
Sound good.

541
00:28:37.000 --> 00:28:38.000
Do you understand them?

542
00:28:38.000 --> 00:28:43.000
All right. Well, Eva said she didn't get them. That's fine.

543
00:28:43.000 --> 00:28:45.000
Someone in your group will have them every single group,

544
00:28:45.000 --> 00:28:48.000
at least one person raise your hand. If you have this.

545
00:28:49.000 --> 00:28:55.000
Okay.

546
00:28:55.000 --> 00:28:58.000
So I can see kind of the mathematical odds that one group would have

547
00:28:58.000 --> 00:29:00.000
no one with the thing in it.

548
00:29:00.000 --> 00:29:02.000
All right. It doesn't look like that's going to happen.

549
00:29:02.000 --> 00:29:06.000
All right. So.

550
00:29:06.000 --> 00:29:09.000
And the people that can take turns reading them out loud are the people

551
00:29:09.000 --> 00:29:10.000
that have it in the group. Okay.

552
00:29:10.000 --> 00:29:16.000
And it's still going to be fun.

553
00:29:17.000 --> 00:29:18.000
Okay.

554
00:29:18.000 --> 00:29:22.000
So we're going to go ahead and make sure that we are not going.

555
00:29:22.000 --> 00:29:25.000
Far and fast down the road with someone.

556
00:29:25.000 --> 00:29:27.000
Who is not relationally available.

557
00:29:27.000 --> 00:29:28.000
Okay.

558
00:29:28.000 --> 00:29:29.000
All right.

559
00:29:29.000 --> 00:29:30.000
Okay. Sound good.

560
00:29:30.000 --> 00:29:32.000
See you in a little while.

561
00:29:32.000 --> 00:29:37.000
One's coming back.

562
00:29:37.000 --> 00:29:41.000
All right. Welcome back everyone.

563
00:29:42.000 --> 00:29:53.000
Okay.

564
00:29:53.000 --> 00:29:54.000
All right.

565
00:29:54.000 --> 00:29:56.000
Okay.

566
00:29:56.000 --> 00:29:57.000
Good.

567
00:29:57.000 --> 00:30:00.000
You guys get through them all.

568
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:03.600
go over the results, but we're also going to just kind of talk a little bit about why

569
00:30:03.600 --> 00:30:07.680
and why are we doing this? Because it's really important for you to see what this looks like

570
00:30:07.680 --> 00:30:12.720
in the wild. What does it look like in the wild? What does it look like in different scenarios?

571
00:30:12.720 --> 00:30:17.200
Everyone go ahead and remute yourselves when you're coming back in. What does it look like

572
00:30:17.200 --> 00:30:23.920
in different relationship scenarios? I know that we think that we can spot this, but it's not always

573
00:30:23.920 --> 00:30:31.040
it's not always that apparent, right? What's happening there. And so we need to be able to

574
00:30:31.600 --> 00:30:36.880
talk about this as a group. Okay. So Annabelle's first up, you see Annabelle's only 28 years old.

575
00:30:38.640 --> 00:30:45.600
She's 28. So that would make her a, um, like one of the oldest Gen Zers, right? She's just

576
00:30:45.600 --> 00:30:50.640
right at that cutoff of millennial, young millennial Gen Z. All right. And so her and

577
00:30:50.640 --> 00:30:55.440
Jeff have been dating for six months. They're very happy together. Um, nothing's not, everything's

578
00:30:55.440 --> 00:31:01.200
perfect. There are several things that bothered her about Jeff at first. You guys look at that.

579
00:31:02.320 --> 00:31:06.320
I think that's important because right there we can, we can immediately like,

580
00:31:07.040 --> 00:31:14.160
maybe avoid it. Right? A lot of things just bother you get annoyed very easily by people's

581
00:31:14.160 --> 00:31:20.400
little idiosyncrasies, right? That's something that's there. Okay. Um, Jeff was inexperienced

582
00:31:20.400 --> 00:31:25.920
in the relationship in relationship, just in general. And to be quite honest, I had to be

583
00:31:25.920 --> 00:31:30.800
very patient with him and even take the lead on some things. Oh, Christian women. We have to take

584
00:31:30.800 --> 00:31:37.200
the lead on some things that's like, don't want a man that's passive. Right? Don't want a man who

585
00:31:37.200 --> 00:31:42.080
doesn't know how to be a leader. Also, Jeff is a serious down to earth type of guy. In fact,

586
00:31:42.080 --> 00:31:46.240
at first I thought he was too geeky for me to date. Okay. Oh, whoa, not her type

587
00:31:46.960 --> 00:31:51.440
because I'm a fun and free spirit, but I couldn't have made a better choice. Jeff is warm,

588
00:31:51.440 --> 00:31:56.560
independable. He has many qualities that are priceless. All right. What's the attachment

589
00:31:56.560 --> 00:32:07.200
style of the NFL? Anyone? So you went with a secure attachment style because she was

590
00:32:07.200 --> 00:32:13.200
really able to, um, identify things she didn't like things that she liked, but she was able to,

591
00:32:13.840 --> 00:32:18.320
you know, be grounded in what actually mattered. And a lot of things that were red flags for her

592
00:32:18.320 --> 00:32:23.600
were actually to seal the flags. So thank you, Kimberly. Any other groups have any,

593
00:32:23.600 --> 00:32:29.520
anything else? Any, any other, any other result?

594
00:32:32.720 --> 00:32:36.880
That might've been the only one in our group that we tossed around between secure and anxious.

595
00:32:37.840 --> 00:32:41.040
Seemed like it'd be a, I said, it might be a blend, but other people,

596
00:32:41.040 --> 00:32:46.160
I think we all agreed. It was kind of a, I think anxious led the way, but secure and anxious.

597
00:32:48.480 --> 00:32:54.560
Okay. All right. So yes, we would say that Annabelle is a secure attachment and actually

598
00:32:54.560 --> 00:33:00.080
there's like, there's more evidence of avoidant attachment in that story than anxious anxious.

599
00:33:00.080 --> 00:33:05.360
People have a tendency to think all yellow flags are green, green, light, green, light, green,

600
00:33:05.360 --> 00:33:10.640
light, whatever I need to do to make you happy and to make you like me. Um, I'll be willing to

601
00:33:10.640 --> 00:33:15.840
do that. Right. Okay. So we see Annabelle encounters lots of different obstacles to

602
00:33:15.840 --> 00:33:19.600
overcome in just the short paragraph that we've read, but she wants to solve it.

603
00:33:20.640 --> 00:33:24.560
And she doesn't want to just solve it because she's afraid to be alone. You see that she's

604
00:33:24.560 --> 00:33:30.880
fun. She's a free spirit. Um, and she, but she feels confident, right? There's a confidence

605
00:33:30.880 --> 00:33:36.720
about Annabelle in the story that she feels confident enough to continue in relationship

606
00:33:36.720 --> 00:33:41.760
and see where it goes. Like Kimberly said, it's a yes until it's a hard pass or no.

607
00:33:42.400 --> 00:33:48.240
So if she was anxious, let's talk about it. If she was anxious, she might have concluded that

608
00:33:48.240 --> 00:33:51.840
instead of Jeff being inexperienced, that he just wasn't attracted to her.

609
00:33:53.600 --> 00:33:57.760
That's how she would have read those signs. Oh, he's just not that attracted to me. So I need

610
00:33:57.760 --> 00:34:01.280
to make him attracted. Maybe you play a little head game with him. Maybe you need a little

611
00:34:01.280 --> 00:34:05.920
manipulate him a little bit, try to get him more attracted to me. She would have told herself the

612
00:34:05.920 --> 00:34:11.760
story that he's just not that into you. That inexperience would have translated to he's just

613
00:34:11.760 --> 00:34:16.000
not that into me instead of, Oh, you know, he doesn't really just have a lot of experience

614
00:34:16.000 --> 00:34:22.239
in relationship. That's what's really going on here. Okay. Um, and I want you to ask yourself,

615
00:34:22.239 --> 00:34:28.000
how many times have you possibly misjudged someone based on what, you know, instead of

616
00:34:28.000 --> 00:34:33.920
on what they know, ask yourself that question, not just in relationship, how many times maybe

617
00:34:33.920 --> 00:34:40.639
you've misjudged someone and ascribe the wrong motivations to their actions based on what, you

618
00:34:40.639 --> 00:34:46.719
know, but guess what? They didn't take that class. They weren't in that class. They didn't get that

619
00:34:46.719 --> 00:34:52.159
degree. They didn't get that, you know, certificates and whatever it is that you're

620
00:34:52.159 --> 00:34:58.160
talking about. God carded me on that with my stepdad, my mom's last husband before she passed

621
00:34:58.160 --> 00:34:59.920
away, married to her the longest.

622
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:02.000
I was married to her when she passed away.

623
00:35:02.000 --> 00:35:03.640
Every time I would call to talk to her,

624
00:35:03.640 --> 00:35:04.920
he would just hand the phone to her.

625
00:35:04.920 --> 00:35:06.300
He wouldn't even talk to me.

626
00:35:06.300 --> 00:35:07.720
I was like, he doesn't like me.

627
00:35:07.720 --> 00:35:09.960
He doesn't want to be in relationship with me.

628
00:35:09.960 --> 00:35:11.340
And I would judge him,

629
00:35:11.340 --> 00:35:14.080
but I was judging him based on what I know about relationship

630
00:35:14.080 --> 00:35:16.020
and how you need to, you know,

631
00:35:16.020 --> 00:35:17.960
reach out to people and talk to people.

632
00:35:17.960 --> 00:35:19.120
He wasn't raised that way.

633
00:35:19.120 --> 00:35:22.080
He didn't, he was afraid of relationship, right?

634
00:35:22.080 --> 00:35:24.780
He didn't know how to talk to me.

635
00:35:24.780 --> 00:35:27.320
So I was giving him tests over information

636
00:35:27.320 --> 00:35:28.760
that he was never taught.

637
00:35:28.800 --> 00:35:30.580
Think about that for a second

638
00:35:30.580 --> 00:35:32.840
and see if Holy Spirit brings any instances

639
00:35:32.840 --> 00:35:34.480
up in your heart and in your life

640
00:35:34.480 --> 00:35:36.480
that have anything to do with that.

641
00:35:36.480 --> 00:35:38.780
Now, if she was avoidant, Annabelle,

642
00:35:38.780 --> 00:35:40.820
she might've used Jeff's incompetence.

643
00:35:40.820 --> 00:35:43.040
Remember he's incompetent in the story, isn't he?

644
00:35:43.040 --> 00:35:47.440
He's inexperienced, he's a little geeky, all right?

645
00:35:47.440 --> 00:35:49.760
She's having to take the lead on some things.

646
00:35:49.760 --> 00:35:52.680
So just so you know, people that have avoidant attachment,

647
00:35:52.680 --> 00:35:55.000
they cannot stand incompetence.

648
00:35:55.000 --> 00:35:58.480
And so she might have used incompetence to do what?

649
00:35:59.240 --> 00:36:00.940
To belittle him, to criticize him,

650
00:36:02.280 --> 00:36:05.600
to cut him down a few pegs, a few notches.

651
00:36:05.600 --> 00:36:07.640
Avoidant attachments have a tendency

652
00:36:07.640 --> 00:36:12.640
to be pretty verbally aggressive at times

653
00:36:13.440 --> 00:36:17.360
when they don't like something that's going on, all right?

654
00:36:17.360 --> 00:36:19.760
Or she could have used all of that incompetence

655
00:36:19.760 --> 00:36:23.880
to just dismiss him, just dismiss him, ghost him.

656
00:36:23.880 --> 00:36:26.020
You know, classic avoidance strategy

657
00:36:26.020 --> 00:36:28.240
is to use other people's weaknesses

658
00:36:29.000 --> 00:36:31.240
to create what we call disconnection stories.

659
00:36:34.000 --> 00:36:35.780
Oh yeah, this isn't the guy for me.

660
00:36:35.780 --> 00:36:38.120
The guy for me would be someone who could take the lead

661
00:36:38.120 --> 00:36:39.200
and knows what they're doing

662
00:36:39.200 --> 00:36:41.560
and has a lot of relationship experience.

663
00:36:41.560 --> 00:36:44.480
Someone who's fun and free spirited, just like me.

664
00:36:44.480 --> 00:36:46.640
You know, oh, I really can't talk to this person anymore.

665
00:36:46.640 --> 00:36:48.140
They're too different than me.

666
00:36:49.500 --> 00:36:51.020
They didn't do this right or that right.

667
00:36:51.020 --> 00:36:54.180
That's clearly a sign that we're not right for each other.

668
00:36:54.180 --> 00:36:55.680
Right, tell themselves stories.

669
00:36:55.720 --> 00:36:58.560
Guys, you could be a really nice person who's avoidant.

670
00:36:58.560 --> 00:37:00.880
And so you're still telling yourself a nice story,

671
00:37:00.880 --> 00:37:03.280
but it's still a disconnection story, okay?

672
00:37:03.280 --> 00:37:06.640
All right, so, but instead, Annabelle was flexible.

673
00:37:08.080 --> 00:37:10.480
Even though he wasn't the ideal definition,

674
00:37:10.480 --> 00:37:13.240
the definition of an ideal man for her, she was flexible.

675
00:37:13.240 --> 00:37:15.720
And she was able to make that mental transition

676
00:37:15.720 --> 00:37:18.640
to continue to allow it time to unfold

677
00:37:18.640 --> 00:37:21.680
as she was getting to know him to see what was there.

678
00:37:21.680 --> 00:37:22.680
So let's go to Beth.

679
00:37:23.680 --> 00:37:25.960
Kimberly's group got to answer that question.

680
00:37:25.960 --> 00:37:27.160
Let's get another group.

681
00:37:27.160 --> 00:37:31.800
What was your, I'll just give the synopsis.

682
00:37:31.800 --> 00:37:35.600
Beth finally, look here, finally met a great guy,

683
00:37:35.600 --> 00:37:37.280
a really great guy.

684
00:37:37.280 --> 00:37:39.440
Trevor and I have been out together twice

685
00:37:39.440 --> 00:37:41.920
and I already feel myself falling in love.

686
00:37:41.920 --> 00:37:44.040
It's so hard to find someone I'm compatible with.

687
00:37:44.040 --> 00:37:46.360
I'm only attracted to a certain type of man.

688
00:37:46.360 --> 00:37:47.480
And then what are the chances

689
00:37:47.480 --> 00:37:48.840
that he'll also find me attractive?

690
00:37:48.840 --> 00:37:50.840
The odds are against me.

691
00:37:50.840 --> 00:37:52.880
I met him and now I have him.

692
00:37:52.880 --> 00:37:54.200
I wanna make sure I do everything right.

693
00:37:54.200 --> 00:37:56.040
I can't afford to make any mistakes.

694
00:37:56.040 --> 00:37:58.600
One wrong move and I could jeopardize the entire thing.

695
00:37:58.600 --> 00:38:00.240
I'm waiting for him to set the pace

696
00:38:00.240 --> 00:38:02.000
because I don't want to seem too eager.

697
00:38:02.000 --> 00:38:03.680
Is it too soon to send a text message

698
00:38:03.680 --> 00:38:05.480
or to see when we're going out again?

699
00:38:05.480 --> 00:38:07.880
I could make it seem laid back and spontaneous,

700
00:38:07.880 --> 00:38:09.040
don't you think?

701
00:38:09.040 --> 00:38:10.520
Or maybe I'll just send him a funny meme.

702
00:38:10.520 --> 00:38:11.640
Yes, that's what I'm gonna do.

703
00:38:11.640 --> 00:38:14.680
I'm the cool girl who doesn't really want anything from him.

704
00:38:15.560 --> 00:38:18.280
I just have to just be fun.

705
00:38:18.280 --> 00:38:20.520
All right, so what's Beth?

706
00:38:21.120 --> 00:38:22.920
She's anxious.

707
00:38:22.920 --> 00:38:24.920
And she gave me anxiety.

708
00:38:26.120 --> 00:38:27.720
She gave you anxiety, Kim?

709
00:38:27.720 --> 00:38:29.120
Okay, yeah.

710
00:38:29.120 --> 00:38:30.800
So Kim says she's anxious.

711
00:38:30.800 --> 00:38:32.520
All right, so prove it.

712
00:38:32.520 --> 00:38:34.040
Tell me why.

713
00:38:34.040 --> 00:38:38.600
She, from the get-go, let me go back to it.

714
00:38:38.600 --> 00:38:41.360
We talked about just,

715
00:38:42.920 --> 00:38:47.160
she wants to do whatever it's going to take

716
00:38:47.160 --> 00:38:48.400
to not lose him.

717
00:38:48.400 --> 00:38:50.320
I mean, you can't do that on your own.

718
00:38:51.520 --> 00:38:55.120
And she says the odds are against her on this one.

719
00:38:55.120 --> 00:38:57.040
I mean, is this a game?

720
00:38:58.520 --> 00:39:01.160
So she's like trying to,

721
00:39:01.160 --> 00:39:03.120
it's almost like she's trying to play a game

722
00:39:03.120 --> 00:39:04.680
and she's gonna win.

723
00:39:06.400 --> 00:39:07.240
Gotcha.

724
00:39:07.240 --> 00:39:08.080
Anyone else?

725
00:39:08.080 --> 00:39:08.920
That's good, Kim.

726
00:39:08.920 --> 00:39:09.760
Anyone else?

727
00:39:09.760 --> 00:39:12.240
Evidence of anxiousness, anxious attachment in Beth.

728
00:39:14.640 --> 00:39:17.400
It's also overcompensating.

729
00:39:17.400 --> 00:39:19.040
She's overcompensating.

730
00:39:21.240 --> 00:39:22.080
Okay.

731
00:39:22.080 --> 00:39:23.240
She's overcompensating.

732
00:39:23.240 --> 00:39:24.440
Or that she's anxious,

733
00:39:24.440 --> 00:39:26.560
and so she's like, oh, I'm gonna play the cool girl.

734
00:39:26.560 --> 00:39:28.200
So she's aware of that.

735
00:39:28.200 --> 00:39:31.040
So she's gonna overcompensate.

736
00:39:31.040 --> 00:39:32.840
And you guys, if you're aware,

737
00:39:34.160 --> 00:39:35.920
okay, so if you're aware

738
00:39:35.920 --> 00:39:39.320
that you're being someone besides who you really are,

739
00:39:39.320 --> 00:39:41.240
that's called manipulation.

740
00:39:41.240 --> 00:39:44.600
That's how innocent it can seem.

741
00:39:44.600 --> 00:39:47.240
Oh, I don't know that this person's gonna like

742
00:39:47.240 --> 00:39:49.440
the way that I actually am in relationships,

743
00:39:49.440 --> 00:39:52.960
so let me be different in relationship, right?

744
00:39:53.880 --> 00:39:54.720
Okay.

745
00:39:55.840 --> 00:39:58.640
And there's one real big one in the first two sentences.

746
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:01.000
Who's got it?

747
00:40:01.000 --> 00:40:06.000
Well, they say that she's already falling in love with him, right?

748
00:40:06.000 --> 00:40:07.000
Yeah.

749
00:40:07.000 --> 00:40:08.000
After a few dates.

750
00:40:08.000 --> 00:40:11.000
I think I'm falling in love, you know?

751
00:40:11.000 --> 00:40:16.000
And if one little thing happens that's wrong, it's going to ruin everything.

752
00:40:16.000 --> 00:40:17.000
Right.

753
00:40:17.000 --> 00:40:18.000
Right.

754
00:40:18.000 --> 00:40:23.000
You guys, I know this is fun and we're having fun tonight, but I hope that you see some

755
00:40:23.000 --> 00:40:29.000
of your behavior patterns in these examples of just simply like, oh, I don't know.

756
00:40:29.000 --> 00:40:30.000
Should I text yet?

757
00:40:30.000 --> 00:40:31.000
Or shouldn't I text?

758
00:40:31.000 --> 00:40:35.000
And then, you know, writing the text and then erasing the text and writing the testimony.

759
00:40:35.000 --> 00:40:36.000
Got to get it perfect.

760
00:40:36.000 --> 00:40:38.000
Got to say the exact right thing.

761
00:40:38.000 --> 00:40:40.000
Having your friends weigh in on, oh, what should I do?

762
00:40:40.000 --> 00:40:41.000
What should I text?

763
00:40:41.000 --> 00:40:42.000
What should I say?

764
00:40:42.000 --> 00:40:46.000
Be yourself.

765
00:40:46.000 --> 00:40:47.000
Be yourself.

766
00:40:47.000 --> 00:40:49.000
If they don't like who you really are, guess what?

767
00:40:49.000 --> 00:40:50.000
They don't like you.

768
00:40:50.000 --> 00:40:53.000
And so, hello?

769
00:40:54.000 --> 00:41:00.000
Even if you're being like an annoying, anxious kind of person, like I already told you, regardless

770
00:41:00.000 --> 00:41:06.000
of your attachment style, you can still get into a love story, but you got to be yourself.

771
00:41:06.000 --> 00:41:07.000
Right?

772
00:41:07.000 --> 00:41:08.000
Okay.

773
00:41:08.000 --> 00:41:09.000
So lots of stuff with Beth right here.

774
00:41:09.000 --> 00:41:10.000
I made some notes here.

775
00:41:10.000 --> 00:41:12.000
She just met this guy.

776
00:41:12.000 --> 00:41:15.000
So she's already preoccupied with how to win him over.

777
00:41:15.000 --> 00:41:19.000
Remember anxious attachments, always preoccupied with relationship.

778
00:41:19.000 --> 00:41:20.000
That's all she can think about.

779
00:41:20.000 --> 00:41:21.000
How can I win him over?

780
00:41:21.000 --> 00:41:22.000
How can I win him over?

781
00:41:22.000 --> 00:41:23.000
How can I get him to like me?

782
00:41:23.000 --> 00:41:27.000
The odds are against me, but, you know, I got to get this person.

783
00:41:27.000 --> 00:41:29.000
This person, I got to make them fall in love with me.

784
00:41:29.000 --> 00:41:31.000
What can I do to make that happen?

785
00:41:31.000 --> 00:41:36.000
Now, it is true, and this is important to note, that all attachment styles can feel

786
00:41:36.000 --> 00:41:39.000
super excited about someone that they just met.

787
00:41:39.000 --> 00:41:41.000
You can.

788
00:41:41.000 --> 00:41:44.000
You can feel super excited about someone that you just met, and you can even think about

789
00:41:44.000 --> 00:41:46.000
them a lot when you just met them.

790
00:41:46.000 --> 00:41:48.000
It's called infatuation, and it's not unhealthy.

791
00:41:49.000 --> 00:41:52.000
What you do with it can become unhealthy, right?

792
00:41:52.000 --> 00:41:59.000
Like plotting on how you're going to scheme and get them to fall in love with you, okay?

793
00:41:59.000 --> 00:42:00.000
So then we go on.

794
00:42:00.000 --> 00:42:04.000
We see that she thinks that the relationship is rare and fragile.

795
00:42:04.000 --> 00:42:07.000
You guys, that's the hallmark of anxious attachment.

796
00:42:07.000 --> 00:42:11.000
If you think that there'll never be another person like this ever again, you guys, there's

797
00:42:11.000 --> 00:42:16.000
8 plus billion people in this world, and hopefully this will help you.

798
00:42:16.000 --> 00:42:22.000
When I say this, there are many, many, many, many, many, many people that could be a spirit

799
00:42:22.000 --> 00:42:23.000
made to you.

800
00:42:23.000 --> 00:42:27.000
I know that makes it seem not romantic, but it's true.

801
00:42:27.000 --> 00:42:32.000
It's true, given what season of life you're in or geographically where you're located

802
00:42:32.000 --> 00:42:34.000
and all different things.

803
00:42:34.000 --> 00:42:38.000
I know that we over-romanticize this, and when we over-romanticize it, I know it feels

804
00:42:38.000 --> 00:42:43.000
good for a minute, but it actually can cause massive discouragement if you believe that

805
00:42:43.000 --> 00:42:46.000
every relationship that you encounter is rare and fragile.

806
00:42:46.000 --> 00:42:51.000
It can cause you to have a lot of anxiety about messing it up, and then it can cause

807
00:42:51.000 --> 00:42:54.000
you a lot of anxiety about, what if this isn't the right one?

808
00:42:54.000 --> 00:42:56.000
As if it's the one.

809
00:42:56.000 --> 00:42:58.000
Do you understand what I'm saying?

810
00:42:58.000 --> 00:43:02.000
Okay, so we want to get out of that thought process because it's not biblical, first of

811
00:43:02.000 --> 00:43:04.000
all, okay?

812
00:43:04.000 --> 00:43:06.000
All right, so she's going to obsess.

813
00:43:06.000 --> 00:43:11.000
So she's obsessing about every move she makes so that she doesn't make a mistake.

814
00:43:11.000 --> 00:43:15.000
You guys are going to make lots of mistakes, lots of missteps in relationship.

815
00:43:15.000 --> 00:43:18.000
I yelled at my husband the first time I met him, y'all.

816
00:43:18.000 --> 00:43:20.000
I yelled at him.

817
00:43:20.000 --> 00:43:22.000
I yelled at him.

818
00:43:23.000 --> 00:43:26.000
And we are married for 17 years now.

819
00:43:26.000 --> 00:43:30.000
All right, so if she feels like she can't make a mistake, what's she going to start

820
00:43:30.000 --> 00:43:31.000
doing?

821
00:43:31.000 --> 00:43:32.000
And you guys said it already.

822
00:43:32.000 --> 00:43:33.000
She's going to start playing games.

823
00:43:33.000 --> 00:43:34.000
She's going to start playing games.

824
00:43:34.000 --> 00:43:36.000
She's going to start manipulating.

825
00:43:36.000 --> 00:43:40.000
Even though it doesn't look sinister, manipulation is not the way you want to start a relationship

826
00:43:40.000 --> 00:43:41.000
about, right?

827
00:43:41.000 --> 00:43:43.000
You got to be yourself.

828
00:43:43.000 --> 00:43:45.000
Don't weigh and strategize everything.

829
00:43:45.000 --> 00:43:53.000
If you feel like you're strategizing, then you're probably leaning into anxious attachment.

830
00:43:53.000 --> 00:43:55.000
And you guys, you can be avoidant and anxious, okay?

831
00:43:55.000 --> 00:43:57.000
Because that's disorganized attachment.

832
00:43:57.000 --> 00:43:58.000
You can be both.

833
00:43:58.000 --> 00:44:01.000
All right, Steven, new group, tell me what you got.

834
00:44:02.000 --> 00:44:10.000
For those of you that are counting the time, we're going to go to half past the hour.

835
00:44:10.000 --> 00:44:13.000
So we're going to go to 830 Central.

836
00:44:13.000 --> 00:44:14.000
Go ahead.

837
00:44:18.000 --> 00:44:19.000
Who's got Steven?

838
00:44:25.000 --> 00:44:27.000
Nobody had a result for Steven?

839
00:44:28.000 --> 00:44:29.000
Did.

840
00:44:30.000 --> 00:44:31.000
Okay, go ahead.

841
00:44:31.000 --> 00:44:32.000
Avoidant.

842
00:44:32.000 --> 00:44:33.000
Avoidant.

843
00:44:33.000 --> 00:44:34.000
Okay.

844
00:44:34.000 --> 00:44:36.000
All right, Sherry and Gail say avoidant.

845
00:44:36.000 --> 00:44:37.000
Prove it.

846
00:44:38.000 --> 00:44:43.000
He kind of like was backing off, like something better is out.

847
00:44:43.000 --> 00:44:47.000
You know, like he was backing away.

848
00:44:47.000 --> 00:44:52.000
He was talking his self out of the relationship.

849
00:44:53.000 --> 00:44:54.000
Okay.

850
00:44:54.000 --> 00:44:55.000
So let's read it.

851
00:44:55.000 --> 00:44:56.000
I'm sorry, I forgot to read it.

852
00:44:56.000 --> 00:44:58.000
Steven just ended relationship with Amy.

853
00:44:58.000 --> 00:44:59.000
He ended it.

854
00:44:59.000 --> 00:45:00.000
It's over.

855
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:05.000
He's very disappointed, but he knows he couldn't have spent his life with her.

856
00:45:05.000 --> 00:45:07.800
They dated for a couple of months, and at first he was sure that he found the woman

857
00:45:07.800 --> 00:45:11.640
of his dreams, but then little things about her started to bother him.

858
00:45:11.640 --> 00:45:13.380
Key word, little things.

859
00:45:13.380 --> 00:45:16.880
And he knows he shouldn't, but he started to focus on these flaws.

860
00:45:16.880 --> 00:45:20.920
They have made him stop having feelings towards her, and once he stops having feelings towards

861
00:45:20.920 --> 00:45:22.960
someone, he can't stay a minute longer.

862
00:45:22.960 --> 00:45:24.380
He just has to keep searching.

863
00:45:24.380 --> 00:45:27.700
He knows that the right woman is somewhere out there waiting for him no matter how long

864
00:45:27.700 --> 00:45:28.700
it takes.

865
00:45:28.700 --> 00:45:31.960
And he knows that when he meets her, he will immediately feel something different and know

866
00:45:31.960 --> 00:45:34.160
that he's found the one.

867
00:45:34.160 --> 00:45:35.160
All right.

868
00:45:35.160 --> 00:45:37.160
So give me more evidence of avoidance.

869
00:45:37.160 --> 00:45:43.040
Did anyone have anything but avoidance?

870
00:45:43.040 --> 00:45:44.040
People are getting PTSD.

871
00:45:44.040 --> 00:45:46.440
They're like, this sounds like my previous relationship.

872
00:45:46.440 --> 00:45:47.440
Okay.

873
00:45:47.440 --> 00:45:48.440
What else we got?

874
00:45:48.440 --> 00:45:49.440
Let's hear from a guy.

875
00:45:49.440 --> 00:45:50.440
Okay.

876
00:45:50.440 --> 00:45:56.960
Listen, I know that we want to divide the attachment styles based on gender, and it's

877
00:45:56.960 --> 00:46:01.780
so easy to say, all the men are avoidance, all the women are anxious, and it's not true.

878
00:46:01.780 --> 00:46:09.100
And I know that Steven is an example of avoidance here, and he is a male gendered person, right?

879
00:46:09.100 --> 00:46:13.580
You guys nowadays, I promise you, I was on a plane and they said, welcome ladies and

880
00:46:13.580 --> 00:46:15.580
gentlemen and non-binary people.

881
00:46:15.580 --> 00:46:17.580
And I'm like, what is happening?

882
00:46:17.580 --> 00:46:19.860
I feel like I'm in the twilight zone right now.

883
00:46:19.860 --> 00:46:20.860
I don't know.

884
00:46:20.860 --> 00:46:24.860
I mean, couldn't they have just said, welcome everyone?

885
00:46:24.860 --> 00:46:26.700
That makes sense.

886
00:46:27.440 --> 00:46:28.440
Okay.

887
00:46:28.440 --> 00:46:29.440
Okay.

888
00:46:29.440 --> 00:46:30.440
So I guess I'm just a practical person.

889
00:46:30.440 --> 00:46:31.440
No hate intended.

890
00:46:31.440 --> 00:46:33.440
I'm just like, just say, welcome everyone.

891
00:46:33.440 --> 00:46:34.440
Okay.

892
00:46:34.440 --> 00:46:35.440
All right.

893
00:46:35.440 --> 00:46:40.480
So who wants to do, what guy wants to give us evidence of Steven's avoidance, if you

894
00:46:40.480 --> 00:46:42.480
think that's what it is?

895
00:46:42.480 --> 00:46:44.480
I will.

896
00:46:44.480 --> 00:46:45.480
Okay.

897
00:46:45.480 --> 00:46:46.480
Brett?

898
00:46:46.480 --> 00:46:47.480
Yes.

899
00:46:47.480 --> 00:46:52.720
For one thing, he started out and said, at first, everything was good.

900
00:46:52.720 --> 00:46:56.480
And then he said, but then, so it was, he said, at first,

901
00:46:57.260 --> 00:47:00.460
but then, so it was good at first.

902
00:47:00.460 --> 00:47:02.460
And then later it wasn't good enough.

903
00:47:03.740 --> 00:47:04.460
Gotcha.

904
00:47:04.460 --> 00:47:05.100
Good.

905
00:47:05.100 --> 00:47:07.020
That's a good, that's good.

906
00:47:07.020 --> 00:47:11.580
And you know, for the sake of time, everyone, there's a lot of really good tidbits in each

907
00:47:11.580 --> 00:47:12.860
one of these paragraphs.

908
00:47:12.860 --> 00:47:18.060
I hope you're really leaning into these examples because they can really help you with your

909
00:47:18.060 --> 00:47:22.220
own tendencies and also with tendencies of people that you meet, not so you can cross

910
00:47:22.220 --> 00:47:24.780
them off the list, but maybe see what they're dealing with.

911
00:47:24.840 --> 00:47:28.200
Cause we're going to, we're unpacking what's kind of going on behind the scenes here.

912
00:47:28.200 --> 00:47:29.080
Okay.

913
00:47:29.080 --> 00:47:32.920
So Steven, so Steven is avoidant according to this story.

914
00:47:33.960 --> 00:47:37.320
His description of an ideal true love is the red flag.

915
00:47:38.760 --> 00:47:42.680
Guys, anytime someone's really idealistic about what they're looking for in the one,

916
00:47:42.680 --> 00:47:43.960
and they're out there somewhere.

917
00:47:43.960 --> 00:47:47.880
And I'm just going to kind of weed through all these other people to try to find them

918
00:47:47.880 --> 00:47:48.200
guys.

919
00:47:48.200 --> 00:47:49.560
That is not healthy.

920
00:47:50.760 --> 00:47:54.520
So if you're like that, that's not healthy, right?

921
00:47:54.580 --> 00:47:59.220
There's good things and there's not so good things about everyone.

922
00:47:59.220 --> 00:48:00.580
Some people, they're not so good.

923
00:48:00.580 --> 00:48:08.020
Things have come to a place where it's actually become a life controlling issue for them.

924
00:48:08.660 --> 00:48:09.220
Okay.

925
00:48:09.220 --> 00:48:14.260
And that oftentimes will turn into abuse within a relationship, but everyone has yellow flags.

926
00:48:14.260 --> 00:48:17.700
Everyone has something that they're working on still that they haven't quite figured out

927
00:48:17.700 --> 00:48:19.700
yet somewhere that they're still in process.

928
00:48:19.700 --> 00:48:22.020
And that's going to always be true of you for the rest of your life.

929
00:48:22.720 --> 00:48:24.640
You're not going to arrive during this life.

930
00:48:25.440 --> 00:48:26.640
So it's about being teachable.

931
00:48:26.640 --> 00:48:27.520
It's about being open.

932
00:48:27.520 --> 00:48:29.120
It's about asking for help.

933
00:48:29.120 --> 00:48:32.000
It's about being willing to be helped.

934
00:48:32.000 --> 00:48:37.760
All kinds of different things have to play into that yellow flag turning green or it

935
00:48:37.760 --> 00:48:40.080
turning red because you have an independent spirit.

936
00:48:40.080 --> 00:48:40.720
You can't be helped.

937
00:48:40.720 --> 00:48:41.840
You're not teachable.

938
00:48:41.840 --> 00:48:44.720
You won't let anyone else into your process with you.

939
00:48:44.720 --> 00:48:48.560
And then a lot of times those people will get worse and worse and worse in that area.

940
00:48:48.560 --> 00:48:50.080
And you don't want that, right?

941
00:48:50.780 --> 00:48:54.940
That's why an alcoholics anonymous, they say the very first step to being free and being

942
00:48:54.940 --> 00:48:57.340
sober is admitting you have a problem, right?

943
00:48:57.340 --> 00:49:02.940
That's the very first step in all life controlling problems is admitting that there is a problem

944
00:49:02.940 --> 00:49:04.940
and that you cannot solve it on your own.

945
00:49:05.420 --> 00:49:05.980
Okay.

946
00:49:05.980 --> 00:49:07.580
That's what turns yellow flag is green.

947
00:49:08.860 --> 00:49:09.900
Very important.

948
00:49:09.900 --> 00:49:15.180
So when we have an idealistic point of view or perspective, when it comes to love stories,

949
00:49:16.040 --> 00:49:22.120
then what we're doing is, is we are disregarding the process that people are in, and we're

950
00:49:22.120 --> 00:49:24.840
expecting people to arrive at a state of perfection.

951
00:49:24.840 --> 00:49:30.920
And once we start seeing that that person's not perfect, that's starting to cause us to

952
00:49:30.920 --> 00:49:31.960
be repulsed.

953
00:49:31.960 --> 00:49:32.920
I call it the X.

954
00:49:34.600 --> 00:49:35.480
I call it the X.

955
00:49:38.440 --> 00:49:38.940
Right?

956
00:49:39.480 --> 00:49:40.360
You're with someone.

957
00:49:40.360 --> 00:49:41.640
You think that they're really attractive.

958
00:49:41.640 --> 00:49:42.760
You're really excited about them.

959
00:49:42.820 --> 00:49:48.260
And then all of a sudden, like they have a mannerism or the way that they say a word,

960
00:49:48.260 --> 00:49:52.580
or, you know, maybe you have a pet peeve about being, being late and they were five minutes

961
00:49:52.580 --> 00:49:53.380
late or whatever.

962
00:49:53.380 --> 00:49:59.300
And then all of a sudden you have the X you're like, right?

963
00:49:59.300 --> 00:49:59.860
Women get the.

964
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:03.560
It's more than men do, but men start to be,

965
00:50:03.560 --> 00:50:04.940
I'm not attracted to her.

966
00:50:06.100 --> 00:50:07.420
Men start to be like,

967
00:50:07.420 --> 00:50:10.380
I don't feel physically attracted to her.

968
00:50:10.380 --> 00:50:11.220
Why?

969
00:50:11.220 --> 00:50:12.900
Because something is happening.

970
00:50:12.900 --> 00:50:15.220
Maybe they express too much vulnerability.

971
00:50:15.220 --> 00:50:16.740
Maybe they express too much emotion.

972
00:50:16.740 --> 00:50:20.020
And then all of a sudden, you know, it's just like, ooh,

973
00:50:20.020 --> 00:50:21.140
you know, maybe they're like,

974
00:50:21.140 --> 00:50:23.980
oh, I've been having such a great time with you.

975
00:50:23.980 --> 00:50:26.980
And I just, every time that I'm going to see you,

976
00:50:26.980 --> 00:50:28.740
I just can't, I'm just so excited

977
00:50:28.740 --> 00:50:30.180
and I can't wait to see you again.

978
00:50:30.180 --> 00:50:33.940
An avoidant personality could get icky over that.

979
00:50:33.940 --> 00:50:35.720
Ooh, they're needy.

980
00:50:36.620 --> 00:50:38.700
Ooh, gross.

981
00:50:38.700 --> 00:50:40.060
That's so gross.

982
00:50:40.060 --> 00:50:41.300
Okay.

983
00:50:41.300 --> 00:50:42.140
All right.

984
00:50:42.140 --> 00:50:44.820
So people who are anxious feel there's something wrong.

985
00:50:47.900 --> 00:50:48.740
I'm sorry.

986
00:50:48.740 --> 00:50:49.860
I don't know what just happened.

987
00:50:49.860 --> 00:50:51.380
What in the world?

988
00:50:51.380 --> 00:50:54.500
My notes went somewhere else.

989
00:50:54.500 --> 00:50:55.340
Okay.

990
00:50:55.900 --> 00:50:57.940
So different attachment styles,

991
00:50:57.940 --> 00:50:58.780
this is what I wrote in my notes.

992
00:50:58.780 --> 00:50:59.620
This is important.

993
00:50:59.620 --> 00:51:01.500
Different attachment styles, if you would ask them,

994
00:51:01.500 --> 00:51:02.340
why are you single?

995
00:51:02.340 --> 00:51:04.140
They would explain it differently, right?

996
00:51:04.140 --> 00:51:07.580
An anxious person is more likely to say

997
00:51:07.580 --> 00:51:09.580
that there's something wrong with them.

998
00:51:10.620 --> 00:51:11.820
Something wrong with me.

999
00:51:12.900 --> 00:51:13.740
What's wrong with me?

1000
00:51:13.740 --> 00:51:14.740
There's something wrong with me.

1001
00:51:14.740 --> 00:51:16.500
That's how an anxious person would express

1002
00:51:16.500 --> 00:51:17.900
why they're still single.

1003
00:51:17.900 --> 00:51:18.740
I'm too old.

1004
00:51:18.740 --> 00:51:21.780
I'm too this, I'm too that, you know, whatever.

1005
00:51:21.780 --> 00:51:23.220
It has something to do with them.

1006
00:51:23.220 --> 00:51:24.060
I'm not pregnant.

1007
00:51:24.060 --> 00:51:25.060
It has something to do with them.

1008
00:51:25.060 --> 00:51:26.020
I'm not pretty enough.

1009
00:51:26.020 --> 00:51:26.980
I'm not handsome enough.

1010
00:51:26.980 --> 00:51:29.220
Men, I don't make enough money, whatever.

1011
00:51:29.220 --> 00:51:30.380
Okay.

1012
00:51:30.380 --> 00:51:31.500
People are not picking me

1013
00:51:31.500 --> 00:51:33.700
because there's something wrong with me.

1014
00:51:35.140 --> 00:51:37.260
Secure people will have a more realistic view

1015
00:51:37.260 --> 00:51:38.620
of why they're single.

1016
00:51:38.620 --> 00:51:39.900
They'll just be kind of practical,

1017
00:51:39.900 --> 00:51:42.100
kind of a realistic view of why they're single.

1018
00:51:42.100 --> 00:51:43.580
Yeah, I went through a divorce and, you know,

1019
00:51:43.580 --> 00:51:45.780
I was just been, I've been focusing on my career

1020
00:51:45.780 --> 00:51:46.620
for a while.

1021
00:51:46.620 --> 00:51:47.660
You know, they'll have a realistic view

1022
00:51:47.660 --> 00:51:48.940
of why they're single.

1023
00:51:48.940 --> 00:51:51.580
But avoidance will sound like this guy, Steven.

1024
00:51:51.580 --> 00:51:53.380
They'll attribute their single status

1025
00:51:53.380 --> 00:51:55.660
to external circumstances.

1026
00:51:55.660 --> 00:52:00.060
Like they haven't met the one yet.

1027
00:52:00.060 --> 00:52:01.540
Okay.

1028
00:52:01.540 --> 00:52:02.540
All right.

1029
00:52:02.540 --> 00:52:03.380
I'm gonna say something.

1030
00:52:03.380 --> 00:52:04.940
And if it hurts your feelings,

1031
00:52:04.940 --> 00:52:07.900
then it probably needed to, right?

1032
00:52:07.900 --> 00:52:11.220
Cause sometimes God will use offense

1033
00:52:11.220 --> 00:52:14.260
to get us to see where we have a hard,

1034
00:52:14.260 --> 00:52:17.100
unhealed part of our heart, right?

1035
00:52:17.100 --> 00:52:18.940
So I'm gonna say it right now.

1036
00:52:18.940 --> 00:52:22.060
If you have dated a lot of people,

1037
00:52:22.100 --> 00:52:24.500
but you have never found the one,

1038
00:52:24.500 --> 00:52:26.220
you are probably an avoidant.

1039
00:52:29.820 --> 00:52:31.700
If you've been going on a lot of dates

1040
00:52:31.700 --> 00:52:34.020
and you've been dating people and, you know,

1041
00:52:34.020 --> 00:52:35.700
and you find something wrong

1042
00:52:35.700 --> 00:52:37.740
with every single person in relationship

1043
00:52:37.740 --> 00:52:40.260
or they don't even make it to a relationship with you,

1044
00:52:40.260 --> 00:52:42.900
then you probably have an avoidant attachment.

1045
00:52:42.900 --> 00:52:44.180
I do believe in spirit mates.

1046
00:52:44.180 --> 00:52:45.460
You guys know that I do.

1047
00:52:45.460 --> 00:52:48.900
But I also believe that the one and finding the one

1048
00:52:49.860 --> 00:52:51.700
is about working with someone.

1049
00:52:52.340 --> 00:52:53.180
It's about growing with someone.

1050
00:52:53.180 --> 00:52:54.580
It's about choosing someone

1051
00:52:54.580 --> 00:52:56.740
and being willing to do the work with them.

1052
00:52:56.740 --> 00:52:57.580
That is what it is.

1053
00:52:57.580 --> 00:52:58.820
I know that's not sexy.

1054
00:52:58.820 --> 00:53:00.660
I know that doesn't sound romantic,

1055
00:53:00.660 --> 00:53:02.620
but nothing is ever gonna be perfect.

1056
00:53:02.620 --> 00:53:03.460
It isn't.

1057
00:53:03.460 --> 00:53:05.180
There's always gonna be compromises.

1058
00:53:05.180 --> 00:53:07.580
There's always gonna be things about your partner

1059
00:53:07.580 --> 00:53:09.780
that you don't like and that you don't find ideal.

1060
00:53:09.780 --> 00:53:12.900
My husband is two inches shorter than me in my bare feet.

1061
00:53:14.340 --> 00:53:15.300
Okay.

1062
00:53:15.300 --> 00:53:18.500
And y'all, if I'm just being honest,

1063
00:53:18.500 --> 00:53:20.140
I feel bigger than him sometimes

1064
00:53:20.140 --> 00:53:21.740
because I'm a sturdy girl.

1065
00:53:21.740 --> 00:53:23.020
I weigh almost 100.

1066
00:53:23.020 --> 00:53:25.060
I weigh 190 pounds.

1067
00:53:25.060 --> 00:53:26.700
All right.

1068
00:53:26.700 --> 00:53:28.260
The other day I was doing the laundry

1069
00:53:28.260 --> 00:53:29.940
and I took the black t-shirt out of the pile,

1070
00:53:29.940 --> 00:53:31.620
putting it on thinking that it was mine

1071
00:53:31.620 --> 00:53:32.940
and it fit me great.

1072
00:53:32.940 --> 00:53:34.620
And it was his.

1073
00:53:34.620 --> 00:53:37.500
And that made me mad, right?

1074
00:53:38.380 --> 00:53:39.340
Are you mad?

1075
00:53:39.340 --> 00:53:41.220
Yeah, I'm mad.

1076
00:53:43.180 --> 00:53:44.020
I don't want that.

1077
00:53:44.020 --> 00:53:47.020
That wouldn't be ideal for me, right?

1078
00:53:47.020 --> 00:53:49.820
But it's not just about that.

1079
00:53:50.500 --> 00:53:53.580
There's so many other things that I love about him.

1080
00:53:53.580 --> 00:53:56.380
And in relationship, you're gonna have to let go

1081
00:53:56.380 --> 00:53:58.220
of the things that you don't like

1082
00:53:58.220 --> 00:54:00.820
unless it's an abusive deal breaker

1083
00:54:00.820 --> 00:54:03.180
and understand that you have to focus on what you do like.

1084
00:54:03.180 --> 00:54:04.740
And that's for you avoidance.

1085
00:54:04.740 --> 00:54:06.020
When you come off of a date,

1086
00:54:06.020 --> 00:54:07.580
I want you to make a list of what you did like

1087
00:54:07.580 --> 00:54:08.420
about the person,

1088
00:54:08.420 --> 00:54:09.900
not what you don't like about the person.

1089
00:54:09.900 --> 00:54:12.420
We have a tendency to focus on the negative.

1090
00:54:12.420 --> 00:54:14.900
Remember, I was an avoidant.

1091
00:54:14.900 --> 00:54:16.140
Okay.

1092
00:54:16.140 --> 00:54:17.940
Right, so there's gonna be things that are not ideal

1093
00:54:17.940 --> 00:54:19.900
because this is not a fantasy.

1094
00:54:19.900 --> 00:54:21.700
It is a real relationship.

1095
00:54:21.700 --> 00:54:23.260
All right, so for the sake of time,

1096
00:54:23.260 --> 00:54:24.340
let's rush through the couple.

1097
00:54:24.340 --> 00:54:25.900
I'm gonna just take, we're just gonna say what it is.

1098
00:54:25.900 --> 00:54:27.620
We're gonna go into why.

1099
00:54:27.620 --> 00:54:29.900
Matthew, what do we got for Matthew?

1100
00:54:30.740 --> 00:54:32.860
He's only dated three people in his whole life,

1101
00:54:32.860 --> 00:54:36.060
including the girl that he's with in the story,

1102
00:54:36.060 --> 00:54:40.020
which is you, Marcy.

1103
00:54:40.020 --> 00:54:41.460
You met a couple of years ago.

1104
00:54:41.460 --> 00:54:43.820
She was very unsettled by this fact.

1105
00:54:43.820 --> 00:54:46.140
She kept grilling me about my past relationships

1106
00:54:46.140 --> 00:54:48.460
when she realized I really had told her

1107
00:54:48.460 --> 00:54:49.660
about all my relationships

1108
00:54:49.660 --> 00:54:50.780
and wasn't holding anything back.

1109
00:54:50.780 --> 00:54:52.300
She looked puzzled and asked if I had felt

1110
00:54:52.300 --> 00:54:53.900
I was missing out on something.

1111
00:54:53.900 --> 00:54:55.180
She wondered if I had been worried

1112
00:54:55.180 --> 00:54:56.940
that I was gonna be by myself for too long

1113
00:54:56.940 --> 00:54:58.340
or that I wasn't gonna find someone.

1114
00:54:58.340 --> 00:55:00.780
Honestly, the thought that I wouldn't find someone.

1115
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:01.560
Never crossed my mind.

1116
00:55:01.560 --> 00:55:03.080
Sure, I had my share of disappointments,

1117
00:55:03.080 --> 00:55:04.920
but I figured that when the time was right,

1118
00:55:04.920 --> 00:55:06.720
it would happen, and it did.

1119
00:55:06.720 --> 00:55:08.480
I knew I loved Marcy almost immediately,

1120
00:55:08.480 --> 00:55:09.960
and I told her so.

1121
00:55:09.960 --> 00:55:11.320
When did she reciprocate?

1122
00:55:11.320 --> 00:55:12.280
I don't actually remember,

1123
00:55:12.280 --> 00:55:13.720
but I knew she was crazy about me

1124
00:55:13.720 --> 00:55:15.280
even before she told me.

1125
00:55:15.280 --> 00:55:16.600
What's Matthew?

1126
00:55:16.600 --> 00:55:17.440
Secure.

1127
00:55:17.440 --> 00:55:18.280
Secure.

1128
00:55:19.680 --> 00:55:20.560
Secure.

1129
00:55:20.560 --> 00:55:23.800
Go ahead and shout out some reasons why he's secure.

1130
00:55:23.800 --> 00:55:25.520
He wasn't intimidated by the fact

1131
00:55:25.520 --> 00:55:27.080
that he's only been out a couple of days.

1132
00:55:27.080 --> 00:55:28.280
He's, it's chill.

1133
00:55:28.280 --> 00:55:29.120
So what?

1134
00:55:29.320 --> 00:55:30.760
You'll find the right person.

1135
00:55:30.760 --> 00:55:34.000
He's not stressing out about not fighting anybody else.

1136
00:55:34.000 --> 00:55:36.400
He's not stressed out about her questions.

1137
00:55:36.400 --> 00:55:37.640
He's just like, you know what?

1138
00:55:37.640 --> 00:55:39.280
When it's time, it'll happen.

1139
00:55:39.280 --> 00:55:40.720
I'm all good.

1140
00:55:40.720 --> 00:55:41.920
Good job, Kristen.

1141
00:55:41.920 --> 00:55:44.160
Yeah, he was mature.

1142
00:55:46.440 --> 00:55:47.280
Good.

1143
00:55:47.280 --> 00:55:48.200
Good.

1144
00:55:48.200 --> 00:55:49.720
But would we say there was a good chance

1145
00:55:49.720 --> 00:55:52.880
of him being a recovered avoidant person?

1146
00:55:54.480 --> 00:55:55.400
I mean, you know,

1147
00:55:55.400 --> 00:55:57.640
I can see where you would think that, Chris, for sure,

1148
00:55:57.640 --> 00:56:00.720
because he really wasn't focused on relationship.

1149
00:56:00.720 --> 00:56:02.320
A lot of times avoidance, you know,

1150
00:56:02.320 --> 00:56:05.360
they use their emotional and relational bandwidth

1151
00:56:05.360 --> 00:56:08.840
on something else, on work or on bettering themselves

1152
00:56:08.840 --> 00:56:10.400
or some other project, right?

1153
00:56:10.400 --> 00:56:13.040
And so I could see where you would see that for sure.

1154
00:56:13.040 --> 00:56:15.240
And we'll kind of break this down piece by piece

1155
00:56:15.240 --> 00:56:16.800
so we can take a look at that.

1156
00:56:16.800 --> 00:56:20.200
The bonus was, what is Marcy's attachment style?

1157
00:56:20.200 --> 00:56:21.040
Anxious.

1158
00:56:23.040 --> 00:56:23.880
Why?

1159
00:56:25.120 --> 00:56:26.400
He's all over the place.

1160
00:56:26.400 --> 00:56:27.240
Yeah.

1161
00:56:28.160 --> 00:56:30.680
Because she was asking him so many questions.

1162
00:56:30.680 --> 00:56:35.120
She was grilling him about his ex.

1163
00:56:35.120 --> 00:56:37.440
He has relationships.

1164
00:56:38.840 --> 00:56:40.720
Surely something's wrong with this guy

1165
00:56:40.720 --> 00:56:43.120
if he's only been with a couple of people.

1166
00:56:43.120 --> 00:56:44.560
And what difference does it make

1167
00:56:44.560 --> 00:56:46.440
if he's only been with a couple of people?

1168
00:56:46.440 --> 00:56:48.120
She makes you want to run.

1169
00:56:48.120 --> 00:56:50.040
She makes me want to run.

1170
00:56:50.040 --> 00:56:54.360
And listen, look at, this shows you that,

1171
00:56:54.360 --> 00:56:57.320
and you guys, I love a secure with an anxious

1172
00:56:58.000 --> 00:57:00.560
because anxious people will become more and more secure

1173
00:57:00.560 --> 00:57:02.760
very easily when they're with someone

1174
00:57:02.760 --> 00:57:05.840
who's consistent in their attentions

1175
00:57:05.840 --> 00:57:07.600
and in their intentionality.

1176
00:57:07.600 --> 00:57:09.960
An anxious person will become secure.

1177
00:57:11.160 --> 00:57:15.160
So the match made in hell, so to speak,

1178
00:57:15.160 --> 00:57:17.760
is avoidant and anxious

1179
00:57:17.760 --> 00:57:19.680
because this is where you get the person

1180
00:57:19.680 --> 00:57:21.200
trying and trying and trying and trying

1181
00:57:21.200 --> 00:57:22.680
and manipulating and trying.

1182
00:57:22.680 --> 00:57:24.560
And then you get the other person,

1183
00:57:24.560 --> 00:57:26.080
giving a little bit and then pulling away

1184
00:57:26.160 --> 00:57:28.080
and then giving a little bit and pulling away.

1185
00:57:28.080 --> 00:57:30.200
And then the anxious person will be like,

1186
00:57:30.200 --> 00:57:32.520
okay, I'm gonna look hot and I'm gonna show up

1187
00:57:32.520 --> 00:57:35.160
and I'm gonna be like, oh, look at what you're missing

1188
00:57:35.160 --> 00:57:37.800
and avoidant people hate what they're missing.

1189
00:57:37.800 --> 00:57:39.280
Oh, maybe I should look at that again.

1190
00:57:39.280 --> 00:57:40.600
Maybe I'm missing out on something.

1191
00:57:40.600 --> 00:57:42.560
And then they'll come back for five minutes

1192
00:57:42.560 --> 00:57:44.960
and then they'll get the ick again.

1193
00:57:44.960 --> 00:57:46.840
And so the anxious person will be like, I got you back.

1194
00:57:46.840 --> 00:57:48.080
And then they'll be like, ick.

1195
00:57:48.080 --> 00:57:50.760
And then they'll leave and it's not good.

1196
00:57:50.760 --> 00:57:52.160
It's not good at all.

1197
00:57:52.160 --> 00:57:53.280
All right, so let's talk about this,

1198
00:57:53.280 --> 00:57:54.440
especially what Chris was saying

1199
00:57:54.440 --> 00:57:57.920
is this person who used to be avoidant.

1200
00:57:57.920 --> 00:58:00.200
So there are several clues in this paragraph

1201
00:58:00.200 --> 00:58:02.080
that Matt has secure attachment style,

1202
00:58:02.080 --> 00:58:05.000
but I do agree that it looks a little different, okay?

1203
00:58:05.000 --> 00:58:06.720
And that should tell you as well,

1204
00:58:06.720 --> 00:58:08.320
we're not all, it's not cookie cutter.

1205
00:58:08.320 --> 00:58:09.840
It's not one size fits all,

1206
00:58:09.840 --> 00:58:14.160
but he has more attributes of a secure

1207
00:58:14.160 --> 00:58:16.720
than of an avoidant, okay?

1208
00:58:16.720 --> 00:58:19.720
So he's not preoccupied with relationships.

1209
00:58:19.720 --> 00:58:22.440
That means he's not an anxious, right?

1210
00:58:22.440 --> 00:58:25.080
But like Chris brought out that he could be an avoidant

1211
00:58:25.080 --> 00:58:27.160
because they're not preoccupied with relationships either.

1212
00:58:27.160 --> 00:58:28.760
Cause they're looking for the Holy grail.

1213
00:58:28.760 --> 00:58:30.320
They're looking for the needle in the haystack.

1214
00:58:30.320 --> 00:58:32.360
So they're not preoccupied with relationships

1215
00:58:32.360 --> 00:58:33.600
or just kind of like, eh.

1216
00:58:35.040 --> 00:58:37.080
So he's not preoccupied with relationships

1217
00:58:37.080 --> 00:58:40.760
nor does he fear being alone, okay?

1218
00:58:40.760 --> 00:58:43.320
So that also rules out anxious attachment.

1219
00:58:43.320 --> 00:58:45.360
And that's why his Marcy was like, wait,

1220
00:58:45.360 --> 00:58:46.760
don't you fear being alone?

1221
00:58:46.760 --> 00:58:49.400
Weren't you worried you were going to miss out on something?

1222
00:58:49.400 --> 00:58:51.960
She's talking from her own heart posture, right?

1223
00:58:51.960 --> 00:58:53.040
And those things.

1224
00:58:53.040 --> 00:58:55.960
So several things rule out avoidant as well.

1225
00:58:55.960 --> 00:58:58.280
And let's look at those right now.

1226
00:58:58.280 --> 00:59:01.920
First, and this is kind of one of those real covert things.

1227
00:59:01.920 --> 00:59:05.280
He seems to be very forthcoming with Marcy

1228
00:59:05.280 --> 00:59:07.560
about his past relationships.

1229
00:59:07.560 --> 00:59:11.840
You guys, when a true avoidant gets into a situation

1230
00:59:11.840 --> 00:59:14.240
where someone's grilling them about their life,

1231
00:59:14.240 --> 00:59:16.320
they lock down quick.

1232
00:59:16.320 --> 00:59:17.800
They lock down and pull away.

1233
00:59:17.840 --> 00:59:22.480
They don't like to be interrogated, okay, at all.

1234
00:59:22.480 --> 00:59:24.840
There can be very private people,

1235
00:59:24.840 --> 00:59:27.160
a lot of times very independent people.

1236
00:59:27.160 --> 00:59:29.000
And if you start showing neediness

1237
00:59:29.000 --> 00:59:31.760
or you start showing like lack of boundaries

1238
00:59:31.760 --> 00:59:34.360
in like asking a bunch of private questions,

1239
00:59:35.680 --> 00:59:37.560
you won't get answers, right?

1240
00:59:37.560 --> 00:59:39.880
You'll get radio silence most of the time

1241
00:59:39.880 --> 00:59:41.720
with a true avoidant person.

1242
00:59:41.720 --> 00:59:44.480
So first he seems to be very forthcoming with Marcy

1243
00:59:44.480 --> 00:59:46.160
about his past relationships.

1244
00:59:46.160 --> 00:59:47.080
And then he does something

1245
00:59:47.080 --> 00:59:48.040
that avoidance would never do.

1246
00:59:48.040 --> 00:59:49.680
He puts all his cards on the table

1247
00:59:49.680 --> 00:59:51.840
and he's not annoyed by her nosiness.

1248
00:59:51.840 --> 00:59:53.640
He's not, right?

1249
00:59:53.640 --> 00:59:54.960
Once again, with a true avoidant,

1250
00:59:54.960 --> 00:59:56.480
you don't get a second date.

1251
00:59:56.480 --> 01:00:00.040
Second, he feels comfortable expressing his feelings.

1252
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:04.080
for Marcy, so Chris, that right there is the thing.

1253
01:00:04.080 --> 01:00:07.640
He's expressing his feelings for Marcy very early on.

1254
01:00:07.640 --> 01:00:12.220
You see in the paragraph where he says that he liked her.

1255
01:00:19.160 --> 01:00:23.440
I knew I loved Marcy almost immediately and told her so.

1256
01:00:23.440 --> 01:00:26.240
Never, not for, no, mm-mm.

1257
01:00:26.240 --> 01:00:28.000
In fact, guys, a lot of times you could be

1258
01:00:28.000 --> 01:00:30.480
in a relationship with an avoidant for a long time

1259
01:00:30.480 --> 01:00:34.880
before you really get like that type of commitment.

1260
01:00:34.880 --> 01:00:37.000
People say, can two avoidants date?

1261
01:00:37.000 --> 01:00:38.600
Can they be in a relationship?

1262
01:00:38.600 --> 01:00:41.320
Yes, but they probably wouldn't call it one.

1263
01:00:41.320 --> 01:00:44.160
They probably wouldn't call it a relationship.

1264
01:00:44.160 --> 01:00:46.480
Okay, that would be crazy.

1265
01:00:46.480 --> 01:00:51.480
Okay, so he's not sending mixed signals.

1266
01:00:51.480 --> 01:00:54.640
He is, he's not, he's not pulling away.

1267
01:00:54.640 --> 01:00:57.200
If he was anxious and he said, I love you to Marcy

1268
01:00:57.200 --> 01:00:58.920
and she didn't say it back immediately,

1269
01:00:58.920 --> 01:01:00.520
oh, that would have been a hot mess

1270
01:01:00.520 --> 01:01:03.160
for an anxious person, right?

1271
01:01:03.160 --> 01:01:04.440
So he's secure.

1272
01:01:05.440 --> 01:01:07.840
He's not sending mixed signals.

1273
01:01:07.840 --> 01:01:09.320
He's expressing his feelings.

1274
01:01:09.320 --> 01:01:12.200
He's introducing Marcy to his people.

1275
01:01:13.680 --> 01:01:14.920
He's not game playing.

1276
01:01:14.920 --> 01:01:16.520
He's not keeping track.

1277
01:01:17.760 --> 01:01:20.480
Anxious people have a tendency to keep track.

1278
01:01:20.480 --> 01:01:25.000
Who showed affection or who showed that they're involved

1279
01:01:25.000 --> 01:01:28.240
or interested in the relationship last, right?

1280
01:01:28.240 --> 01:01:30.960
A lot of times the game that anxious people will play

1281
01:01:30.960 --> 01:01:33.480
if they're really anxious is that they can't be,

1282
01:01:33.480 --> 01:01:38.080
they can't show that they're more excited about you

1283
01:01:38.080 --> 01:01:39.400
than you are about them.

1284
01:01:41.400 --> 01:01:44.520
So if you didn't respond for a couple of days,

1285
01:01:44.520 --> 01:01:46.880
then, you know, and then you did,

1286
01:01:46.880 --> 01:01:48.400
they might make you wait a couple of days

1287
01:01:48.400 --> 01:01:49.960
before they respond.

1288
01:01:49.960 --> 01:01:54.440
Cause it's like, I can't, I have to, I have to make you,

1289
01:01:54.480 --> 01:01:57.120
they've somehow feel like, you know,

1290
01:01:57.120 --> 01:02:00.600
making yourself scarce or a rarity

1291
01:02:00.600 --> 01:02:03.080
is actually gonna make the person want them more,

1292
01:02:03.080 --> 01:02:05.000
making them jealous, things like that.

1293
01:02:05.000 --> 01:02:06.120
That doesn't work, friends.

1294
01:02:06.120 --> 01:02:07.080
It really doesn't.

1295
01:02:07.080 --> 01:02:08.320
Okay, so what time is it?

1296
01:02:08.320 --> 01:02:10.040
We got 18 after the hour.

1297
01:02:10.040 --> 01:02:13.280
Carrie, go ahead and shout out what we got about Carrie.

1298
01:02:19.520 --> 01:02:21.320
What do you guys, oh, wait, you guys want me to do that.

1299
01:02:21.320 --> 01:02:23.280
Okay, I'll do the thing.

1300
01:02:23.320 --> 01:02:25.280
This Valentine's Day will mark the beginning of the year

1301
01:02:25.280 --> 01:02:26.560
when I find my husband.

1302
01:02:26.560 --> 01:02:27.600
I'm tired of being alone.

1303
01:02:27.600 --> 01:02:29.240
I'm sick of coming back to an empty house,

1304
01:02:29.240 --> 01:02:31.440
going to the movies by myself, not having sex.

1305
01:02:31.440 --> 01:02:33.480
Anyone else tired of not having sex?

1306
01:02:33.480 --> 01:02:36.360
Yeah, this year I will find someone wonderful

1307
01:02:36.360 --> 01:02:38.040
who will be mine.

1308
01:02:38.040 --> 01:02:39.920
In the past I bought, I bought,

1309
01:02:44.160 --> 01:02:45.560
there's a typo in my screen there.

1310
01:02:45.560 --> 01:02:48.600
Okay, in the past I devoted myself completely

1311
01:02:48.600 --> 01:02:50.880
to the people I was dating and I got badly hurt.

1312
01:02:50.880 --> 01:02:52.520
I lost faith in finding someone good,

1313
01:02:52.520 --> 01:02:55.200
but I now have overcome the fear of getting hurt.

1314
01:02:55.200 --> 01:02:56.640
I'm going to put myself out there

1315
01:02:56.640 --> 01:02:58.400
and I will need to take,

1316
01:02:58.400 --> 01:03:00.360
I will need to take a risk to lose myself.

1317
01:03:00.360 --> 01:03:01.680
I understand if there's pain,

1318
01:03:01.680 --> 01:03:03.360
if there's no pain, there's no gain.

1319
01:03:03.360 --> 01:03:04.640
And without me opening my heart,

1320
01:03:04.640 --> 01:03:06.440
there's no chance that someone could enter.

1321
01:03:06.440 --> 01:03:08.040
I will not give into desperation.

1322
01:03:08.040 --> 01:03:09.640
I deserve to be happy.

1323
01:03:09.640 --> 01:03:11.320
What is Carrie?

1324
01:03:11.320 --> 01:03:12.160
Secure.

1325
01:03:13.800 --> 01:03:14.640
Okay.

1326
01:03:14.640 --> 01:03:15.680
Recovering anxious.

1327
01:03:17.280 --> 01:03:18.560
James what?

1328
01:03:18.560 --> 01:03:21.800
Recovering anxious into secure.

1329
01:03:21.840 --> 01:03:22.680
Okay.

1330
01:03:23.920 --> 01:03:25.440
Okay, prove it y'all.

1331
01:03:25.440 --> 01:03:27.120
James says that she's recovering anxious,

1332
01:03:27.120 --> 01:03:29.600
maybe still kind of anxious and we got secure over here.

1333
01:03:29.600 --> 01:03:31.080
Did anyone get anything else?

1334
01:03:33.720 --> 01:03:36.160
We got the avoidance I think.

1335
01:03:36.160 --> 01:03:37.600
Go ahead Julie, what?

1336
01:03:37.600 --> 01:03:39.360
The avoidance.

1337
01:03:39.360 --> 01:03:40.480
Okay.

1338
01:03:40.480 --> 01:03:41.720
So you guys give me some exam,

1339
01:03:41.720 --> 01:03:43.160
give me some, give me some proof.

1340
01:03:43.160 --> 01:03:44.440
I need proof.

1341
01:03:44.440 --> 01:03:48.240
I agree with the recovering anxious becoming secure

1342
01:03:48.240 --> 01:03:51.160
because she demonstrates a level of self-awareness.

1343
01:03:51.160 --> 01:03:53.160
She's aware of her tendencies

1344
01:03:53.160 --> 01:03:54.960
and she's moving towards secure.

1345
01:03:54.960 --> 01:03:56.760
So she's now operating in secure.

1346
01:03:58.160 --> 01:03:59.000
Okay.

1347
01:04:00.440 --> 01:04:02.000
I feel like she's done her time

1348
01:04:02.000 --> 01:04:05.680
and she's just tired of all this anxious.

1349
01:04:05.680 --> 01:04:07.800
And she's like, I'm just ready to do it the right way.

1350
01:04:07.800 --> 01:04:09.160
I'm gonna try it the right way.

1351
01:04:09.160 --> 01:04:10.600
Like, and she's not giving up.

1352
01:04:10.600 --> 01:04:11.560
She just keeps going.

1353
01:04:11.560 --> 01:04:12.680
She's like, I'm gonna do this.

1354
01:04:12.680 --> 01:04:14.360
And she's saying, she's declaring it.

1355
01:04:14.360 --> 01:04:16.440
She's like, I am gonna find a husband.

1356
01:04:16.440 --> 01:04:18.200
Like that's secure to me.

1357
01:04:18.640 --> 01:04:19.480
Oh.

1358
01:04:20.520 --> 01:04:21.480
Okay.

1359
01:04:21.480 --> 01:04:22.320
All right.

1360
01:04:22.320 --> 01:04:23.280
So for sake of time, I'm just gonna give you the answer.

1361
01:04:23.280 --> 01:04:25.720
So, I mean, I like that you guys feel like

1362
01:04:25.720 --> 01:04:27.440
she's anxious trying to be secure.

1363
01:04:27.440 --> 01:04:29.720
So, you know, we'll go ahead and ride with that.

1364
01:04:29.720 --> 01:04:32.480
But definitely showing a lot of anxious attachment

1365
01:04:32.480 --> 01:04:33.720
in this story.

1366
01:04:33.720 --> 01:04:34.560
And here's why.

1367
01:04:34.560 --> 01:04:35.400
And I know once again,

1368
01:04:35.400 --> 01:04:37.080
it doesn't look the same on everyone.

1369
01:04:37.080 --> 01:04:39.200
And that's why it's important that we understand that.

1370
01:04:39.200 --> 01:04:41.840
She's very absorbed with relationship.

1371
01:04:41.840 --> 01:04:44.000
Remember anxious attachment is all about

1372
01:04:44.000 --> 01:04:47.080
my life's not complete without another person, right?

1373
01:04:49.200 --> 01:04:50.320
So she's totally absorbed.

1374
01:04:50.320 --> 01:04:51.160
This is it.

1375
01:04:51.160 --> 01:04:52.000
I'm gonna do it.

1376
01:04:52.000 --> 01:04:53.240
I'm gonna find this person.

1377
01:04:53.240 --> 01:04:54.600
And she wants to get out there

1378
01:04:54.600 --> 01:04:57.200
and find her soulmate, her spirit mate.

1379
01:04:57.200 --> 01:04:58.680
But you can tell she hasn't done the hard work

1380
01:04:58.680 --> 01:05:00.520
because she believes it's gonna hurt.

1381
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:04.000
No pain, no gain, right?

1382
01:05:04.000 --> 01:05:07.000
And she also doesn't understand why this keeps happening to her.

1383
01:05:07.000 --> 01:05:11.000
You see in the paragraph that she's been through all kinds of heartbreak and all kinds of things,

1384
01:05:11.000 --> 01:05:14.000
but she doesn't seem to be doing anything differently this time.

1385
01:05:14.000 --> 01:05:17.000
It's like a lather, rinse, repeat situation.

1386
01:05:17.000 --> 01:05:23.000
And the reason why Carrie is different from Stephen, okay, the avoidant,

1387
01:05:23.000 --> 01:05:26.000
is because she's not looking for an ideal partner.

1388
01:05:26.000 --> 01:05:29.000
You don't see anywhere in there that she's looking for the ideal.

1389
01:05:29.000 --> 01:05:33.000
She's just looking for someone, okay?

1390
01:05:33.000 --> 01:05:36.000
And then we see in the story that she also gets close and gets hurt.

1391
01:05:36.000 --> 01:05:38.000
She gets close and gets hurt.

1392
01:05:38.000 --> 01:05:41.000
That's a pattern and a cycle that she's going through.

1393
01:05:41.000 --> 01:05:48.000
So she continues to, you know, yearn for closeness, but without any new healing or any new information.

1394
01:05:48.000 --> 01:05:52.000
So here's, you guys, litmus test for anxious people.

1395
01:05:52.000 --> 01:05:56.000
This could be relationship anxiety and anxious attachment.

1396
01:05:56.000 --> 01:06:02.000
Anxious people usually want to make a deep connection pretty quickly, lock it down, go all in, right?

1397
01:06:02.000 --> 01:06:06.000
Even love bomb maybe, try to make that connection really fast.

1398
01:06:06.000 --> 01:06:11.000
They communicate too much too soon, and then they get offended or feel rejected if you can't meet them there.

1399
01:06:11.000 --> 01:06:12.000
All right?

1400
01:06:12.000 --> 01:06:16.000
And then people who have relationship anxiety, they really want a relationship,

1401
01:06:16.000 --> 01:06:22.000
but they immediately find all kinds of obstacles in their own heart about, you know,

1402
01:06:22.000 --> 01:06:26.000
what could go wrong or why this is not the right one and talk themselves out of things.

1403
01:06:26.000 --> 01:06:28.000
All right, last but not least, Kaylee.

1404
01:06:28.000 --> 01:06:33.000
Kaylee has been with her boyfriend for nine months, still reminisces about the freedom that she enjoyed when she was single.

1405
01:06:33.000 --> 01:06:37.000
She seems to have forgotten that she was actually really lonely and depressed when she was on her own

1406
01:06:37.000 --> 01:06:40.000
and has romanticized that time in her mind and wishes she could go back to it.

1407
01:06:40.000 --> 01:06:47.000
The grass is greener on the other side or there's always a better option or something out there that I'm missing out on by being in this relationship.

1408
01:06:47.000 --> 01:06:48.000
All right?

1409
01:06:48.000 --> 01:06:51.000
What is Kaylee?

1410
01:06:51.000 --> 01:06:52.000
Avoid it.

1411
01:06:52.000 --> 01:06:53.000
Avoid it.

1412
01:06:53.000 --> 01:06:56.000
Avoid it.

1413
01:06:56.000 --> 01:07:00.000
So here we see a female avoidant, right?

1414
01:07:00.000 --> 01:07:05.000
And you guys, I love to say that people get over this when they're single and, you know,

1415
01:07:05.000 --> 01:07:10.000
they really make a commitment to someone to get married, but I've seen people do this in marriage.

1416
01:07:10.000 --> 01:07:11.000
The grass is always greener.

1417
01:07:11.000 --> 01:07:13.000
The marriage is not bad.

1418
01:07:13.000 --> 01:07:14.000
They just don't want to invest in it.

1419
01:07:14.000 --> 01:07:15.000
They can't let the person in.

1420
01:07:15.000 --> 01:07:16.000
It's not time to let them go.

1421
01:07:16.000 --> 01:07:18.000
It's time to really let them in.

1422
01:07:18.000 --> 01:07:20.000
Into me see.

1423
01:07:20.000 --> 01:07:24.000
Avoidant people have a really hard time with into me see.

1424
01:07:24.000 --> 01:07:25.000
Okay?

1425
01:07:25.000 --> 01:07:29.000
And when that happens, they always think that there's something better.

1426
01:07:29.000 --> 01:07:31.000
I would have a better connection with someone else.

1427
01:07:31.000 --> 01:07:32.000
Right?

1428
01:07:32.000 --> 01:07:34.000
I didn't marry the right person.

1429
01:07:34.000 --> 01:07:35.000
I married the wrong person.

1430
01:07:35.000 --> 01:07:36.000
This person is not my soulmate.

1431
01:07:36.000 --> 01:07:39.000
They're not my spirit mate.

1432
01:07:39.000 --> 01:07:41.000
This is what happens here.

1433
01:07:42.000 --> 01:07:50.000
Very, very important that we get a hold of that before marriage, because if you think, oh, I finally made the commitment to get married, so I'm just going to be all better now.

1434
01:07:50.000 --> 01:07:52.000
No, you're not.

1435
01:07:52.000 --> 01:07:55.000
You have to recognize these tendencies when they happen.

1436
01:07:55.000 --> 01:07:57.000
And so here's the cheat sheet.

1437
01:07:57.000 --> 01:07:59.000
So let's go ahead and grab that if you have it.

1438
01:07:59.000 --> 01:08:05.000
If not, we'll make sure that it gets posted and I'll give you resources where you guys can do some more stuff.

1439
01:08:06.000 --> 01:08:08.000
So we're going to kick that off.

1440
01:08:08.000 --> 01:08:10.000
And remember, we're kicking off March.

1441
01:08:10.000 --> 01:08:14.000
And March is going to be about really pruning out all the things that are keeping us single.

1442
01:08:14.000 --> 01:08:18.000
And also keeping us really out of the abundance of the finish we're going to cross.

1443
01:08:18.000 --> 01:08:21.000
Not just single, but out of other abundance that God may have for us.

1444
01:08:21.000 --> 01:08:24.000
We're going to kick that off Thursday morning prayer.

1445
01:08:24.000 --> 01:08:26.000
Supernatural Saturday is going to be all about this.

1446
01:08:26.000 --> 01:08:28.000
That's going to be a good time.

1447
01:08:28.000 --> 01:08:31.000
And then Sunday night activation will be about this.

1448
01:08:31.000 --> 01:08:33.000
So we're going to kick that off.

1449
01:08:33.000 --> 01:08:36.000
And then we're going to kick off the week with a little bit of a break.

1450
01:08:36.000 --> 01:08:43.000
So we're going to take a look at our own lives and see what it is that we're doing that is keeping us from having the things that we want.

1451
01:08:43.000 --> 01:08:45.000
And relationship could be one of those things.

1452
01:08:45.000 --> 01:08:47.000
So avoidance.

1453
01:08:47.000 --> 01:08:51.000
And remember, I don't want you to take these on dates and try to cross people off the list.

1454
01:08:51.000 --> 01:08:54.000
Because people can overcome their attachment style to have relationship.

1455
01:08:54.000 --> 01:08:56.000
They can.

1456
01:08:56.000 --> 01:08:58.000
I have done it.

1457
01:08:58.000 --> 01:09:00.000
Lots of people have done it.

1458
01:09:00.000 --> 01:09:02.000
They will send mixed signals.

1459
01:09:02.000 --> 01:09:06.000
It will be very hard to define the relationship from an avoidant, you guys.

1460
01:09:06.000 --> 01:09:08.000
All right?

1461
01:09:08.000 --> 01:09:11.000
One day they might really, really like you and feel a strong connection with you.

1462
01:09:11.000 --> 01:09:17.000
And then after you have a great date with them, you might not hear from them for like three days or a week.

1463
01:09:17.000 --> 01:09:18.000
What happened?

1464
01:09:18.000 --> 01:09:20.000
They had a vulnerability hangover.

1465
01:09:20.000 --> 01:09:22.000
They got too close to you.

1466
01:09:22.000 --> 01:09:24.000
And now they're pulling all the way back.

1467
01:09:24.000 --> 01:09:25.000
Okay?

1468
01:09:25.000 --> 01:09:27.000
They value independence greatly.

1469
01:09:27.000 --> 01:09:29.000
They rely on themselves.

1470
01:09:29.000 --> 01:09:31.000
They rely on themselves.

1471
01:09:31.000 --> 01:09:35.000
And relying on someone else and becoming interdependent with someone else is really a fearful thing for them.

1472
01:09:35.000 --> 01:09:37.000
They don't see that as health.

1473
01:09:37.000 --> 01:09:39.000
They see that as control.

1474
01:09:39.000 --> 01:09:41.000
They see that as a loss of autonomy.

1475
01:09:41.000 --> 01:09:43.000
Really important.

1476
01:09:43.000 --> 01:09:45.000
They devalue you.

1477
01:09:45.000 --> 01:09:47.000
Okay?

1478
01:09:47.000 --> 01:09:49.000
Or their previous partners.

1479
01:09:49.000 --> 01:09:51.000
They devalue.

1480
01:09:51.000 --> 01:09:53.000
That's one of the disconnection strategies.

1481
01:09:53.000 --> 01:09:58.000
If I make you seem not valuable, then I don't have to feel like I'm missing out on anything.

1482
01:09:58.000 --> 01:10:00.000
Use distancing strategies.

1483
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:02.000
Distraction.

1484
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:05.840
strategies, disconnection strategies, emotional or physical. They emphasize boundaries in a

1485
01:10:05.840 --> 01:10:09.680
relationship, but in the wrong way. Those boundaries are more like distance, putting

1486
01:10:09.680 --> 01:10:15.200
distance between you and them, not boundaries that you guys, real boundaries actually create

1487
01:10:15.200 --> 01:10:19.680
connection. They don't create disconnection. They have an unrealistic romantic view of what

1488
01:10:19.680 --> 01:10:24.720
a relationship should be like. They're suspicious, they're fears. They're suspicious of being taken

1489
01:10:24.720 --> 01:10:30.240
advantage of or lied to. They have a strict view of relationships, uncompromising rules of

1490
01:10:30.240 --> 01:10:35.680
engagement. If you're, if you're just getting to know someone and they tell you things like,

1491
01:10:35.680 --> 01:10:40.240
Hey, you know, I don't see myself getting married and you know, for at least another five years,

1492
01:10:40.240 --> 01:10:44.320
you guys are probably in avoidant attachment. If they already have like a timeline, if they're

1493
01:10:44.320 --> 01:10:47.840
telling you right before you've even started dating them, that they're not interested in

1494
01:10:47.840 --> 01:10:53.760
having anything serious. Okay. That's something you should, you should pay attention to that

1495
01:10:53.760 --> 01:10:58.320
and don't try to change their mind. You little anxious attachments. You're not going to be able

1496
01:10:58.320 --> 01:11:02.240
to show, well, they don't know what they're missing and I'm going to show them. No, you're

1497
01:11:02.240 --> 01:11:08.240
not during a disagreement. They need to get away. They might blow up. They might say things that

1498
01:11:08.240 --> 01:11:14.400
they don't mean anxious. People do that as well. If you don't give them the emotional thing that

1499
01:11:14.400 --> 01:11:18.480
they're looking for, they might be like, well, then it's over. It's over. And you know, I never

1500
01:11:18.480 --> 01:11:22.000
want to talk to you again. And guess what? The next day they're like, Oh, I want to talk to you.

1501
01:11:22.640 --> 01:11:26.960
Won't make their intentions towards you clear. And you guys, I know that a lot of this sounds

1502
01:11:26.960 --> 01:11:31.280
really unhealthy, but it's a spectrum, right? It's a, it's a, it's a whole spectrum.

1503
01:11:32.000 --> 01:11:36.160
You can employ some of these, but not all of them. And it doesn't make you any less avoidance

1504
01:11:36.160 --> 01:11:38.720
just because you don't do all of them are just because you love Jesus.

1505
01:11:39.440 --> 01:11:42.480
You guys, you can love Jesus and be really bad at human relationship.

1506
01:11:44.960 --> 01:11:50.480
You can. In fact, in my experience, church people are, are some of the worst people at

1507
01:11:50.480 --> 01:11:56.720
relationship because they got the love of God and that's all they need. Just them and Jesus.

1508
01:11:56.720 --> 01:12:05.840
Okay. Then why did Adam not stay alone in the garden? Why tell me why? Okay. So they won't make

1509
01:12:05.840 --> 01:12:09.440
their intentions clear towards you. They have difficulty talking about what's going on in

1510
01:12:09.440 --> 01:12:13.680
their heart. They have difficult, they have difficulty expressing emotions or feelings,

1511
01:12:13.680 --> 01:12:17.680
or even talking about what they're going through, even at work, like how's work. Yeah. It's okay.

1512
01:12:18.560 --> 01:12:23.280
It's kind of, it's kind of busy right now. They don't tell you more about, they don't let you

1513
01:12:23.280 --> 01:12:30.640
in the vault. Okay. Secure. They communicate. Well, they compromise during arguments. They own

1514
01:12:30.640 --> 01:12:34.800
their side of the street. They're not afraid of commitment or interdependency. They don't view

1515
01:12:34.800 --> 01:12:39.760
relationship as hard work. Closeness creates even more closeness with them. If you get close to them,

1516
01:12:39.760 --> 01:12:43.360
they actually get closer, right? You know, not in an anxious way, but in a healthy way,

1517
01:12:44.000 --> 01:12:47.760
they introduce you to their friends and family early on. Pay attention to that.

1518
01:12:48.720 --> 01:12:54.320
Because a lot of times we will say anxious people will do that. Not necessarily secure. People will

1519
01:12:54.320 --> 01:12:59.200
very quickly want to you to meet the people that they care about, because remember, they're good

1520
01:12:59.200 --> 01:13:04.880
at relationship. They value relationship. And so they will want you their new relationship,

1521
01:13:04.880 --> 01:13:08.960
but they're really, really excited about to meet the people that they know and love.

1522
01:13:08.960 --> 01:13:13.040
That's important. Naturally expresses feelings for you. It's just natural for them. It doesn't

1523
01:13:13.040 --> 01:13:16.800
feel contrived. It doesn't feel weird. It doesn't feel like a mandate of some kind.

1524
01:13:17.440 --> 01:13:21.520
They're okay. If you know, you're not there, but they're there and they're secure enough to tell

1525
01:13:21.520 --> 01:13:26.080
you that they are there. They're reliable. They're consistent. They want to make decisions with you.

1526
01:13:26.080 --> 01:13:30.880
They're flexible in the relationship. They don't play games. Anxious. They play games to keep your

1527
01:13:30.880 --> 01:13:35.360
attention or interest. They have difficulty explaining what's bothering them and expect

1528
01:13:35.360 --> 01:13:41.600
you to already know. Okay. They want you to already know what's bothering them. They act

1529
01:13:41.600 --> 01:13:44.960
out when they're feeling insecure, because they'll act out when they're feeling insecure.

1530
01:13:45.600 --> 01:13:48.880
Even if there's no reason to feel secure, which oftentimes there's not because they're

1531
01:13:48.880 --> 01:13:54.000
telling stories and hurting their own feelings. They're telling stories. You're sitting with them

1532
01:13:54.000 --> 01:13:58.880
at a restaurant and they think that you're looking too long at the girl that's sitting

1533
01:13:58.880 --> 01:14:06.160
at the bar. When actually you're watching the sports game on TV, they have a tendency to feel

1534
01:14:06.160 --> 01:14:10.400
like you're always going to meet someone better than them, that you're always going to want to

1535
01:14:10.400 --> 01:14:17.200
ditch them and abandon them in pursuit of someone who's better. Okay. They make everything

1536
01:14:17.200 --> 01:14:20.880
in the relationship about them. That's why it's really toxic and unhealthy, right? It's all about

1537
01:14:20.880 --> 01:14:24.640
them. It's about how they feel. It's about how you're making them feel. It's about them.

1538
01:14:24.640 --> 01:14:30.160
They're preoccupied. Some people in all of these categories might mistake you as a narcissist

1539
01:14:30.160 --> 01:14:35.760
because you're so self-focused, because fear will make you self-focused, but that does not

1540
01:14:35.760 --> 01:14:39.120
make you a narcissist. Once again, I'm going to say it again. It's so important to say

1541
01:14:39.120 --> 01:14:45.760
narcissism is a mental illness. Okay. And there's a very strict criteria on how we diagnose that

1542
01:14:45.760 --> 01:14:51.840
mental illness in the field of psychiatry and psychology, just because someone has selfish

1543
01:14:51.840 --> 01:14:58.240
behaviors. Okay. Just because someone has, um, you know, maybe a little bit of self-absorption

1544
01:14:58.240 --> 01:14:59.760
or if you feel like

1545
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:03.000
They're the kind of person who doesn't really care,

1546
01:15:03.000 --> 01:15:04.720
doesn't have a lot of empathy,

1547
01:15:04.720 --> 01:15:06.600
doesn't make their best sociopath.

1548
01:15:06.600 --> 01:15:07.960
It doesn't make them a narcissist.

1549
01:15:07.960 --> 01:15:10.120
Please stop with that.

1550
01:15:10.120 --> 01:15:10.960
It doesn't.

1551
01:15:11.880 --> 01:15:15.000
It just makes them not good at relationships, okay?

1552
01:15:15.000 --> 01:15:16.520
Means that they have fear

1553
01:15:16.520 --> 01:15:18.400
and they're probably one of these three things

1554
01:15:18.400 --> 01:15:19.480
or one of these two things.

1555
01:15:19.480 --> 01:15:21.760
Expect you to set the pace of relationship

1556
01:15:21.760 --> 01:15:24.120
but gets upset when it doesn't get exclusive

1557
01:15:24.120 --> 01:15:25.480
or intimate fast enough.

1558
01:15:25.480 --> 01:15:27.240
They want you to set the pace,

1559
01:15:27.240 --> 01:15:29.200
but they also, and this is men and women,

1560
01:15:29.240 --> 01:15:31.680
they want the other person to kind of like,

1561
01:15:31.680 --> 01:15:33.480
you know, make the grand gesture.

1562
01:15:34.400 --> 01:15:36.520
But if you don't make the grand gesture quick enough,

1563
01:15:36.520 --> 01:15:38.720
then they get upset.

1564
01:15:38.720 --> 01:15:40.840
They seem preoccupied or obsessed with you.

1565
01:15:40.840 --> 01:15:43.920
They fear that small acts will ruin the relationship.

1566
01:15:43.920 --> 01:15:46.920
They believe that they must work hard to keep your interest.

1567
01:15:46.920 --> 01:15:48.520
They're suspicious that you'll be unfaithful

1568
01:15:48.520 --> 01:15:49.680
or find someone better.

1569
01:15:51.080 --> 01:15:53.040
You guys, it's good stuff, right?

1570
01:15:53.040 --> 01:15:53.880
It's good.

1571
01:15:53.880 --> 01:15:55.800
And I hope that a lot of you saw yourselves

1572
01:15:55.800 --> 01:15:58.160
in these scenarios.

1573
01:15:58.160 --> 01:15:59.840
You saw some of the things that you do.

1574
01:15:59.840 --> 01:16:02.160
This isn't just about you being able to recognize

1575
01:16:02.160 --> 01:16:04.000
where other people are coming from

1576
01:16:04.000 --> 01:16:05.120
and their attachment style,

1577
01:16:05.120 --> 01:16:06.680
but also being able to recognize

1578
01:16:06.680 --> 01:16:11.160
where you are sitting in this spectrum and why.

1579
01:16:11.160 --> 01:16:13.080
So use those worksheets.

1580
01:16:13.080 --> 01:16:14.000
I want you to go through,

1581
01:16:14.000 --> 01:16:15.200
I want you to kind of circle the ones

1582
01:16:15.200 --> 01:16:16.160
that you feel like you,

1583
01:16:16.160 --> 01:16:18.960
and you might have ones in all different categories

1584
01:16:18.960 --> 01:16:20.600
for whatever reason, okay?

1585
01:16:20.600 --> 01:16:22.680
I want you to really sit with Holy Spirit

1586
01:16:22.680 --> 01:16:24.560
and really talk about where that's coming from,

1587
01:16:24.560 --> 01:16:26.280
especially if it's not conducive

1588
01:16:26.280 --> 01:16:29.040
to building healthy relationship, okay?

1589
01:16:30.080 --> 01:16:32.560
And I'm gonna give you guys more homework.

1590
01:16:32.560 --> 01:16:36.240
Remember, we're gonna start going after what's keeping us

1591
01:16:36.240 --> 01:16:39.800
from having the things that God has said we can have.

1592
01:16:39.800 --> 01:16:41.640
And we're gonna talk more about that.

1593
01:16:41.640 --> 01:16:44.040
So a lot of people think God is the one keeping us

1594
01:16:44.040 --> 01:16:46.400
from having the things that we want to have.

1595
01:16:46.400 --> 01:16:47.600
And he's not.

1596
01:16:47.600 --> 01:16:49.720
And I'm tired of him getting a bad rap for that.

1597
01:16:49.720 --> 01:16:51.680
So we're gonna go after that starting leap.

1598
01:16:51.680 --> 01:16:54.040
We're gonna take a huge leap forward

1599
01:16:54.040 --> 01:16:56.120
on Thursday morning prayer, ladies.

1600
01:16:56.960 --> 01:16:59.960
And then Saturday, everyone, on Supernatural Saturday,

1601
01:16:59.960 --> 01:17:02.640
and then Sunday night, activating that.

1602
01:17:02.640 --> 01:17:04.120
And it's gonna be awesome, all right?

1603
01:17:04.120 --> 01:17:06.840
In your email from JackieDorman.com are these worksheets.

1604
01:17:06.840 --> 01:17:09.200
If you didn't get them, we'll make sure that you did.

1605
01:17:09.200 --> 01:17:10.760
And bless you guys.

1606
01:17:10.760 --> 01:17:11.680
Have a great night.

1607
01:17:11.680 --> 01:17:12.520
I'll see you soon.

1608
01:17:12.520 --> 01:17:13.360
Bye, everyone.