WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.960 Selfishness is everybody's struggle. 2 00:00:02.960 --> 00:00:06.200 Anybody who's listening to this is a selfish person. 3 00:00:06.200 --> 00:00:10.640 But the spirit-filled life is learning to love others, 4 00:00:10.640 --> 00:00:13.920 to be otherly, rather than just self-focused. 5 00:00:19.920 --> 00:00:21.280 We've been talking about EQ, 6 00:00:21.280 --> 00:00:25.000 the idea of having an emotional quotient 7 00:00:25.000 --> 00:00:28.240 of the ability to have personal relationships with people, 8 00:00:28.240 --> 00:00:30.720 the importance of developing relationships, 9 00:00:30.720 --> 00:00:34.200 the importance of being able to maintain relationships. 10 00:00:34.200 --> 00:00:35.680 And as a leader myself, 11 00:00:35.680 --> 00:00:39.040 I found that this is really the breaking point 12 00:00:39.040 --> 00:00:40.520 for some of the best people. 13 00:00:40.520 --> 00:00:44.440 And what I mean is that a lot of people have a high IQ, 14 00:00:44.440 --> 00:00:46.000 but because they have a low EQ 15 00:00:46.000 --> 00:00:47.520 and they don't wanna work on it, 16 00:00:47.520 --> 00:00:51.380 they can be the most intelligent person on the planet 17 00:00:51.380 --> 00:00:52.740 on a particular area, 18 00:00:52.740 --> 00:00:56.020 but because of their poor relational skills, 19 00:00:56.020 --> 00:00:59.140 they go from job to job, unable to be successful, 20 00:00:59.140 --> 00:01:02.940 unable to make a lasting impact in one area 21 00:01:02.940 --> 00:01:04.819 because they drive everybody crazy 22 00:01:04.819 --> 00:01:06.420 and people can't get along with them. 23 00:01:06.420 --> 00:01:08.460 I know that this was probably the biggest struggle 24 00:01:08.460 --> 00:01:11.260 of Steve Jobs when he was starting Apple. 25 00:01:11.260 --> 00:01:14.680 He just continually was just running through people. 26 00:01:14.680 --> 00:01:17.620 Even the co-founder of Apple with him 27 00:01:17.620 --> 00:01:20.740 talks about how poor his relational skills were. 28 00:01:20.740 --> 00:01:22.020 So a lot of times people, 29 00:01:22.020 --> 00:01:25.220 especially in the technical STEM areas, 30 00:01:25.260 --> 00:01:29.420 haven't been built into strong EQ people 31 00:01:29.420 --> 00:01:31.880 because they are so into things. 32 00:01:31.880 --> 00:01:32.860 And let me just say this, 33 00:01:32.860 --> 00:01:37.540 men typically are more into things than women. 34 00:01:37.540 --> 00:01:39.220 Women are definitely more relational. 35 00:01:39.220 --> 00:01:40.880 So I would say in the EQ factor, 36 00:01:40.880 --> 00:01:43.860 one of the things we're discovering over the last 25 years 37 00:01:43.860 --> 00:01:48.060 as we see the glass ceiling in large companies changing 38 00:01:48.060 --> 00:01:51.440 and some women do really well 39 00:01:51.440 --> 00:01:53.720 in the executive level leadership 40 00:01:53.720 --> 00:01:55.720 because they have a high EQ. 41 00:01:55.720 --> 00:01:57.760 And they have, of course, they have a high IQ too 42 00:01:57.760 --> 00:01:58.760 if they're in that position. 43 00:01:58.760 --> 00:02:01.820 But we're speaking of the EQ factor here. 44 00:02:01.820 --> 00:02:03.160 And so what I wanted to do 45 00:02:03.160 --> 00:02:08.160 is talk about six reasons for a low EQ. 46 00:02:08.960 --> 00:02:11.500 And I wanna challenge you as you listen to this, 47 00:02:11.500 --> 00:02:14.680 that this is, you wanna be working on the opposite, 48 00:02:14.680 --> 00:02:18.640 but I would imagine out of these six possible reasons 49 00:02:18.640 --> 00:02:22.640 for low EQ, one of them or two of them 50 00:02:22.640 --> 00:02:24.560 probably speak to who you are 51 00:02:24.560 --> 00:02:26.400 because nobody's got this all together. 52 00:02:26.400 --> 00:02:27.320 Nobody's perfect. 53 00:02:27.320 --> 00:02:29.200 And I'm looking in the mirror 54 00:02:29.200 --> 00:02:30.400 when I give a message like this 55 00:02:30.400 --> 00:02:34.040 because I've had to really work on my EQ 56 00:02:34.040 --> 00:02:37.280 and developing emotional quotient for other people, 57 00:02:37.280 --> 00:02:41.880 learning to love people, learning how to be a team player. 58 00:02:41.880 --> 00:02:44.240 After all, I was a gymnast in high school and college, 59 00:02:44.240 --> 00:02:46.360 which is very much an individual sport. 60 00:02:46.360 --> 00:02:49.340 It's a team sport in the sense that you're on a team, 61 00:02:49.340 --> 00:02:52.360 but it's an individual sport in what you do. 62 00:02:53.080 --> 00:02:55.600 So you tend to train, you're training by yourself 63 00:02:55.600 --> 00:02:58.120 or you're training on a particular event 64 00:02:58.120 --> 00:02:59.240 with some other guys, 65 00:02:59.240 --> 00:03:01.720 but it's not like I'm dependent on them. 66 00:03:01.720 --> 00:03:04.240 Everything's on the gymnast, the individual gymnast. 67 00:03:04.240 --> 00:03:07.960 So it's not like baseball or football or basketball 68 00:03:07.960 --> 00:03:11.140 where you have to work together as a team. 69 00:03:11.140 --> 00:03:15.320 So I came out of an individualistic sports background, 70 00:03:15.320 --> 00:03:19.000 but I think I figured out pretty early on, 71 00:03:19.000 --> 00:03:21.280 both through student council in high school 72 00:03:21.280 --> 00:03:24.600 to all the other team sports that I did, 73 00:03:24.600 --> 00:03:27.840 that I liked being with people, I enjoyed people. 74 00:03:27.840 --> 00:03:32.480 And so my EQ grew through those different experiences 75 00:03:32.480 --> 00:03:33.640 that I had growing up. 76 00:03:33.640 --> 00:03:37.600 But let me go to today, six reasons for a low EQ. 77 00:03:37.600 --> 00:03:39.040 Here's the first. 78 00:03:39.040 --> 00:03:42.840 And this is kind of a third millennium sort of issue. 79 00:03:42.840 --> 00:03:44.920 I'd say the last 30 years, 80 00:03:44.920 --> 00:03:47.300 this has become an oppressing issue, 81 00:03:47.300 --> 00:03:50.320 at least in American life, which is what I know. 82 00:03:50.320 --> 00:03:52.800 And having lived almost 10 years in Japan, 83 00:03:52.800 --> 00:03:54.380 this would definitely be true there. 84 00:03:54.380 --> 00:03:56.160 And that is number one, busyness. 85 00:03:56.160 --> 00:04:01.160 Just being too busy to build relationships with people. 86 00:04:01.340 --> 00:04:04.480 And in the corporate atmosphere of a company 87 00:04:04.480 --> 00:04:07.920 or even the corporate atmosphere of a church, 88 00:04:07.920 --> 00:04:09.200 we get too busy. 89 00:04:09.200 --> 00:04:12.240 And when we get too busy, we don't have time for people. 90 00:04:12.240 --> 00:04:13.860 We don't have time to listen. 91 00:04:13.860 --> 00:04:15.700 We don't have time to care. 92 00:04:15.700 --> 00:04:19.700 And so many of us that are in leadership positions, 93 00:04:20.140 --> 00:04:21.660 whether it's either as a senior pastor 94 00:04:21.660 --> 00:04:25.620 or a CFO or a CEO or COO, 95 00:04:25.620 --> 00:04:30.620 we're just focused on the goal, the bottom line. 96 00:04:30.740 --> 00:04:33.980 And then we see people as very utilitarian. 97 00:04:33.980 --> 00:04:37.660 And so we're just using people to get to our goal 98 00:04:37.660 --> 00:04:39.700 rather than nurturing and loving people 99 00:04:39.700 --> 00:04:41.500 and having a relationship with people. 100 00:04:41.500 --> 00:04:43.220 It's not possible to know everybody, 101 00:04:43.220 --> 00:04:45.060 especially in a larger organization. 102 00:04:45.060 --> 00:04:48.360 In our church, we have dozens and dozens of staff, 103 00:04:48.360 --> 00:04:50.400 and I can't know everybody. 104 00:04:50.400 --> 00:04:54.720 But what I've tried to do in teaching my team about EQ 105 00:04:54.720 --> 00:04:58.200 is that it starts with me on the executive level, 106 00:04:58.200 --> 00:04:59.820 leadership team for sure. 107 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:03.120 But then it's important that all the different teams 108 00:05:03.120 --> 00:05:06.840 that make up our organization are taking care of their people 109 00:05:06.840 --> 00:05:08.320 and developing their EQ. 110 00:05:08.320 --> 00:05:13.920 And it just happens that busyness is a big issue. 111 00:05:13.920 --> 00:05:16.160 We get so busy with all our projects. 112 00:05:16.160 --> 00:05:18.760 We get so busy with all of our goals 113 00:05:18.760 --> 00:05:20.540 that we quit focusing on the people 114 00:05:20.540 --> 00:05:23.200 that we need to work together with. 115 00:05:23.200 --> 00:05:26.920 And thus, they're not developing in their emotional quotient. 116 00:05:26.920 --> 00:05:28.880 They're not developing in relationships 117 00:05:28.880 --> 00:05:33.120 because they feel like they're just a tool in the toolkit 118 00:05:33.120 --> 00:05:34.720 rather than a friend. 119 00:05:34.720 --> 00:05:37.040 And having a relationship with you 120 00:05:37.040 --> 00:05:40.240 as you're moving together with teamwork. 121 00:05:40.240 --> 00:05:41.680 So first is busyness. 122 00:05:41.680 --> 00:05:43.720 So I just challenge you, don't get 123 00:05:43.720 --> 00:05:49.760 so busy with your projects that you forget about your people. 124 00:05:49.760 --> 00:05:50.760 People matter. 125 00:05:50.760 --> 00:05:53.480 People matter to God. 126 00:05:53.480 --> 00:05:55.760 People should matter to you. 127 00:05:55.760 --> 00:05:58.480 And I'll say that there's a kingdom principle here 128 00:05:58.480 --> 00:06:01.320 of loving God with all of your heart, soul, mind, 129 00:06:01.320 --> 00:06:03.600 and strength and your neighbor as yourself. 130 00:06:03.600 --> 00:06:06.520 And even in work, even in a work environment, 131 00:06:06.520 --> 00:06:08.960 loving your neighbor, loving your teammate 132 00:06:08.960 --> 00:06:12.360 as you love yourself ends up having better results. 133 00:06:12.360 --> 00:06:15.360 So I think we actually, it sounds counterintuitive. 134 00:06:15.360 --> 00:06:19.920 Sometimes we need to be less busy with the project, 135 00:06:19.920 --> 00:06:23.000 more concerned about our people. 136 00:06:23.000 --> 00:06:23.760 And guess what? 137 00:06:23.760 --> 00:06:27.380 You end up accomplishing your project too. 138 00:06:27.380 --> 00:06:29.420 So busyness would be number one. 139 00:06:29.420 --> 00:06:31.420 Number two would be stress. 140 00:06:31.420 --> 00:06:35.260 We are in a very, very stressful culture, 141 00:06:35.260 --> 00:06:38.540 especially in the business realm and even in the church realm. 142 00:06:38.540 --> 00:06:43.140 Even in issues of running a small business, 143 00:06:43.140 --> 00:06:45.060 we find ourselves stressed out. 144 00:06:45.060 --> 00:06:49.140 And the more uptight you are, the more worried you are, 145 00:06:49.140 --> 00:06:52.820 the more frustrated with work, family, maybe even 146 00:06:52.820 --> 00:06:55.380 your personal health you become, you're 147 00:06:55.380 --> 00:06:59.300 not going to be having fruitful, meaningful 148 00:06:59.300 --> 00:07:01.020 relationships with other people. 149 00:07:01.020 --> 00:07:04.580 So the first one is busyness, but the second one is stressed. 150 00:07:04.580 --> 00:07:07.620 And I just want to challenge you to not get so stressed 151 00:07:07.620 --> 00:07:12.520 that you forget about the strategic nature of loving 152 00:07:12.520 --> 00:07:15.540 others and having a personal relationship with them. 153 00:07:15.540 --> 00:07:20.580 When we get stressed, we actually tend to isolate. 154 00:07:20.580 --> 00:07:23.860 And when we isolate, we cut ourselves off from people 155 00:07:23.860 --> 00:07:25.500 because we don't have anything to do with people. 156 00:07:25.500 --> 00:07:26.880 And let me just say, I understand 157 00:07:26.880 --> 00:07:32.300 that because dealing with people is a whole lot harder 158 00:07:32.300 --> 00:07:33.940 than dealing with a project. 159 00:07:33.940 --> 00:07:38.260 You have an issue in your life that you're battling. 160 00:07:38.260 --> 00:07:41.220 Sometimes it's a matter of developing skills. 161 00:07:41.220 --> 00:07:44.020 Sometimes it's a matter of changing the widget, 162 00:07:44.020 --> 00:07:47.900 as it were, making an adjustment there, and then it's OK. 163 00:07:47.900 --> 00:07:51.260 People are way more complicated than that. 164 00:07:51.260 --> 00:07:52.900 So it's not just turning a screw. 165 00:07:52.900 --> 00:07:57.100 Like last night, we were watching a movie. 166 00:07:57.100 --> 00:08:02.180 We still just plug in to the side of the computer 167 00:08:02.180 --> 00:08:06.380 into the cord that then puts the movie from Amazon 168 00:08:06.380 --> 00:08:10.420 or whatever place we're getting it from up on the screen. 169 00:08:10.420 --> 00:08:12.660 And so we had a few issues with that. 170 00:08:12.660 --> 00:08:15.460 Took me about five minutes to problem solve that. 171 00:08:15.460 --> 00:08:19.580 Now, if in the midst of that, somebody in the room 172 00:08:19.580 --> 00:08:23.100 is getting all upset and frustrated and angry, 173 00:08:23.100 --> 00:08:25.500 it's not going to take five minutes to fix that. 174 00:08:25.500 --> 00:08:27.300 I'm going to have to work with that person. 175 00:08:27.300 --> 00:08:29.500 I'm going to have to say, I'm sorry, I apologize, 176 00:08:29.500 --> 00:08:32.419 or maybe they need to apologize, and they apologize, 177 00:08:32.419 --> 00:08:35.620 and I apologize, and we're all apologizing. 178 00:08:35.620 --> 00:08:37.299 In the process of doing all that, 179 00:08:37.299 --> 00:08:42.299 it's like 20 minutes later, it's like, wow, this is complicated. 180 00:08:42.299 --> 00:08:47.340 So EQ is always harder than IQ. 181 00:08:47.340 --> 00:08:50.500 Working with people is always harder 182 00:08:50.500 --> 00:08:52.500 than working with a project. 183 00:08:52.500 --> 00:08:56.180 And so the tendency, if you're getting stressed out, 184 00:08:56.180 --> 00:09:00.300 is to start letting the relational side of you 185 00:09:00.300 --> 00:09:01.580 get pushed out of the way. 186 00:09:01.580 --> 00:09:03.100 This happens in marriages a lot. 187 00:09:03.100 --> 00:09:04.340 It's what leads to divorce. 188 00:09:04.340 --> 00:09:08.260 If the husband or the wife coming back from work 189 00:09:08.260 --> 00:09:12.160 are just overly stressed, it's going to hurt the marriage. 190 00:09:12.160 --> 00:09:14.300 It's going to hurt the relationship with each other. 191 00:09:14.300 --> 00:09:16.900 Thirdly, selfishness. 192 00:09:16.940 --> 00:09:18.860 Just not really caring about people. 193 00:09:18.860 --> 00:09:20.780 I mean, there are a lot of selfish people. 194 00:09:20.780 --> 00:09:22.020 I'm a selfish person. 195 00:09:22.020 --> 00:09:24.340 I'm as selfish as anyone in this room. 196 00:09:24.340 --> 00:09:29.340 We tend to become selfish naturally, 197 00:09:29.700 --> 00:09:32.840 and then it takes work to become selfless. 198 00:09:32.840 --> 00:09:37.300 But EQ is developed through a certain level of selflessness 199 00:09:37.300 --> 00:09:39.100 in which we care about others. 200 00:09:39.100 --> 00:09:40.140 We love people. 201 00:09:40.140 --> 00:09:42.020 We want to help them grow. 202 00:09:42.020 --> 00:09:42.900 We want to equip them. 203 00:09:42.900 --> 00:09:44.520 We want to empower them in our lives. 204 00:09:44.520 --> 00:09:46.180 We take time to care. 205 00:09:46.180 --> 00:09:47.740 We take time to listen. 206 00:09:47.740 --> 00:09:49.820 We take time to ask good questions. 207 00:09:49.820 --> 00:09:51.220 You can't ask good questions 208 00:09:51.220 --> 00:09:54.380 if you don't know what the question is. 209 00:09:54.380 --> 00:09:55.820 And the only way we know that 210 00:09:55.820 --> 00:09:57.620 is through having a relationship with people. 211 00:09:57.620 --> 00:09:59.980 So, low EQ, 212 00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:02.040 People tend to be selfish. 213 00:10:02.040 --> 00:10:03.880 They're kind of into themselves. 214 00:10:03.880 --> 00:10:05.760 All they think about is themselves. 215 00:10:05.760 --> 00:10:08.320 And honestly, they're lonely. 216 00:10:08.320 --> 00:10:10.560 Most low EQ people are lonely. 217 00:10:10.560 --> 00:10:13.560 And I just challenge you that if that's you, 218 00:10:13.560 --> 00:10:15.000 you need to break out of that 219 00:10:15.000 --> 00:10:17.440 because God made you for connection. 220 00:10:17.440 --> 00:10:19.160 He made you for connection with people. 221 00:10:19.160 --> 00:10:20.800 People give us joy. 222 00:10:20.800 --> 00:10:22.560 Yes, they're a headache sometimes, 223 00:10:22.560 --> 00:10:26.840 but they're also what fill our hearts with love 224 00:10:26.840 --> 00:10:30.320 and kindness and forgiveness. 225 00:10:30.320 --> 00:10:31.600 And we need that. 226 00:10:31.600 --> 00:10:32.800 And they need that. 227 00:10:32.800 --> 00:10:37.280 And so as we build relationships with others 228 00:10:37.280 --> 00:10:40.160 and we grow in having friendships 229 00:10:40.160 --> 00:10:43.480 and relationships that are deep and meaningful, 230 00:10:43.480 --> 00:10:44.840 we become less selfish. 231 00:10:44.840 --> 00:10:46.200 We do. 232 00:10:46.200 --> 00:10:47.960 You get married and you realize 233 00:10:47.960 --> 00:10:49.640 just how selfish you really are. 234 00:10:49.640 --> 00:10:51.760 Your spouse will remind you of that. 235 00:10:51.760 --> 00:10:55.400 But as you start to grow in your selflessness 236 00:10:55.400 --> 00:10:57.360 and love for that other person, 237 00:10:57.360 --> 00:11:00.720 the beauty of that is actually your EQ is growing too 238 00:11:00.720 --> 00:11:04.880 because most of us who learn in a marriage 239 00:11:04.880 --> 00:11:08.320 to pull down our defenses a little bit, 240 00:11:08.320 --> 00:11:09.560 care about that person, 241 00:11:09.560 --> 00:11:11.400 we can bring that to work with us. 242 00:11:11.400 --> 00:11:13.920 And we realize, oh, everybody's like that. 243 00:11:13.920 --> 00:11:16.280 Everybody needs forgiveness sometimes. 244 00:11:16.280 --> 00:11:18.280 Everybody needs for us to be patient 245 00:11:18.280 --> 00:11:20.000 when we don't wanna be. 246 00:11:20.000 --> 00:11:21.960 And marriage is one of the beautiful ways 247 00:11:22.000 --> 00:11:25.640 in which God reminds us of the importance of EQ. 248 00:11:25.640 --> 00:11:28.600 Selfishness is everybody's struggle. 249 00:11:28.600 --> 00:11:31.840 Anybody who's listening to this is a selfish person, 250 00:11:31.840 --> 00:11:36.240 but the spirit-filled life is learning to love others, 251 00:11:36.240 --> 00:11:39.480 to be otherly rather than just self-focused. 252 00:11:39.480 --> 00:11:41.880 Being self-focused is one of the reasons 253 00:11:41.880 --> 00:11:45.720 that many people don't grow in their EQ. 254 00:11:45.720 --> 00:11:48.000 So I challenge you to look at busyness. 255 00:11:48.000 --> 00:11:51.360 Are you too busy to develop relationships? 256 00:11:51.360 --> 00:11:55.040 Are you too stressed out to develop relationships? 257 00:11:55.040 --> 00:11:58.960 Are you so into your own little world 258 00:11:58.960 --> 00:12:01.620 and with the selfish ways that you have 259 00:12:01.620 --> 00:12:03.760 that you don't develop relationships? 260 00:12:03.760 --> 00:12:04.580 I'm gonna challenge you, 261 00:12:04.580 --> 00:12:08.640 those are the first three reasons for a low EQ. 262 00:12:08.640 --> 00:12:10.760 In my next episode, 263 00:12:10.760 --> 00:12:13.760 I'm gonna give three more strategies 264 00:12:13.760 --> 00:12:17.040 or three more challenges to a low EQ 265 00:12:17.040 --> 00:12:19.840 and how we can up our game in that area.