Awesome.
Okay, y'all, I'm so excited to be with you tonight.
You know how I felt so bad last week, you know how I told you like, oh, Tuesday nights
we can look scrappy together and you only need to look good when we're co-ed and then
you got the surprise message that's like, hey, we're going to be in love seats, which
means like you got to look good.
So I am grateful for those of you that switched up and you got a taste of what it's like when
Jackie's leaving love seats.
It's always, she's always got some good teaching.
And if you're brave and you're willing to get in the hot seat, then that's great too.
And you learn a lot when you share a story and you'll learn a lot when you listen to
other people talking about, y'all, we have a really good crowd tonight.
I'm super excited.
All right, let me open this up in prayer because we have some good topics and then I want you
guys to wow me and excite me with all your updates and your questions.
Father God, we just thank you so much that we have an opportunity to get together, that
we get to partner with one another as we bring out everyone's love story that you have.
And I just, I believe that there is a story for each woman on this call and who's listening
and playback that you have a call and a purpose and it includes her being with her mate, because
if she is here, it's because it's a desire of her heart and we trust and believe that
you've placed that desire in her heart.
And so we do not take it lightly that we get to walk with these beautiful women on their
journey and we are going to be so excited to celebrate so many milestones with each
woman and just, we lift all of this up in the precious name of Jesus.
Amen.
Okay.
Housekeeping items.
Okay.
So remember if you are new to phase two and you just parked your way in here, it's a lot
less homework than phase one.
Like there's a lot more homework in phase one.
There are only five videos.
There's the kickoff that Jackie does, the love story accelerator.
I believe in that.
She kind of talks to you about a dating challenge and you guys, let me just say this right up
front.
If you are not ready to date, don't stink and date.
Like it's really that easy.
No one's making you do it.
She put challenges out there because there are some women chomping at the bit.
They hated that they had to go on a hiatus for five weeks and so they're ready to get
back out there.
But if you're like, yeah, I'm not ready.
It's okay.
Here's what I'm going to encourage all of you to do is still watch.
Technically you're supposed to watch one video a week because these are not 20 minute videos.
Like in the heart work in phase one, if you notice they were all like, there was 14 videos,
but they were like 20 minute segments that were much shorter.
The ones in phase two were all what we would call teaching series.
And so they're like an hour long or they're an hour and 15 minutes long.
So the goal is that you watch one, you take notes on it, you pray about it, and you see
how God wants you to play that out for the week, how he wants you to show up for the
week.
And then you either on the roll call or in the news, um, the newsfeed, you kind of give
us an update and tell us how it's going.
Or you come here with your questions.
Here's what I can tell you.
If you are willing to, um, have fresh eyes, there's something that you can learn in every
single video.
So dating 101, you're like, well, what on earth is good about dating 101?
Well dating 101 kind of talks to you guys about the levels of dating.
What does it mean to be in level one friendship with everybody?
Level two discovery dating, level three exclusive dating, level four is engagement, level five
is marriage.
And I don't know about y'all, but like I did a terrible job of, of even female friendships.
Like I would like find a chick that I was like, oh my gosh, she's like my person.
And I would vomit my life story on them and vice versa.
So if you have boundary issues in dating, chances are you do that with family.
You do that with coworkers and you do it with your friends.
And so don't think of dating 101 as just, think about it all relationships.
Then of course there's the divine feminine video, which I love.
Um, Jackie talks about the seven attributes of what makes a divinely masculine man and
the seven attributes that make somebody a divine feminine woman.
If you come to the Monday morning prayer calls, we've been specifically praying into those
specific attributes.
And again, it's like, how can we show up and be more feminine?
And if you are like me and you're kind of like a boss, babe, um, you don't know how
to lower the volume on, uh, bringing in your softness without feeling like you have to
be less than who you are and being smaller because you constantly were told you're just
too much, you're too much.
And I feel like Jackie impacts in a way, and I've really been able to test out and kind
of master what does it mean to be feminine, especially when I'm alone with a man.
Um, because my man loves that I'm a bad-ass, um, boss babe, except not when I'm one-on-one
alone with him.
Like he'll tease me every now and then he's like, okay, clinical Renee is coming out.
And I'm like, dang her, you know, she just shows up without me expecting it.
Um, so that's the next video.
And then of course I do the online dating video.
And even if you're like, there's no way I'm going to get back out there again, um, watch
it anyway, because I give really good tips about how to talk to strangers.
So if you're like, there's no way in heck I'm going to get online.
I hate online, blah, blah, blah, fine, don't, but you're going to need to get yourself out
there that all of us are going to marry the next door neighbor or the UPS guy.
So we have to find ways to meet and mingle and flirt and talk to strangers.
So we have to think about volunteer groups, meetup groups, athletic clubs.
And there's a lot of cool ways to meet people.
And let me see if all the different ways I thought of, I'll find it.
Let's see.
I'll find it when I get to my notes.
Um, anyway, and then of course there's the boundaries video and you guys, it's the boundaries
is not just Townsend and Cloud.
Like I'm a big fan of the Townsend and Cloud boundary book.
I read it back in the nineties when that book first came out and all of a sudden it's gotten
a resurgent.
It has a brand new cover.
And so everyone's like, oh, have you heard about the new boundaries book?
And I'm like, y'all like that book's been out for 30 years.
Stop it.
Um, but it's that good of a book.
And so I would say if you watch the video, you'll see hints of that book, but I've also
gotten a lot of other great training over the last 20 years.
And so, um, there's some really good tactics for you to do and use for your family.
So the goal is you watch all those videos, you figure out what God's trying to tell you
and you practice it and you let us know how it's going.
Um, sex talk tonight.
Um, Tina, this, where did she mention that?
Did she mention that in the prayer?
The sex talk is, she must've mentioned it during prayer.
I don't know.
The sex talk is for phase three and it's Thursday night.
Um, and I promise it will be taped and it will be in your portal for you guys to do
it.
Um, I just, I did a, I got, I got the wonderful honor of doing, um, Mel, hang on, girl, you've
missed nothing.
So just chill.
I will explain it.
So, um, I'm reviewing all of the five videos.
So if you just came on, I'm reviewing all five videos that you should be watching in
phase two.
And I just mentioned the boundaries one.
So they're all great videos.
You want to work on all of them.
You're all here at different levels.
You all stay here.
Now we'll say this, we don't want you rushing through phase two, but we don't want you like
procrastinating in phase two.
So if you've been here for two months or longer, you need to stink and get out and go join
phase three.
I love you, but you need to move on.
Um, here's the thing.
I don't care if you're not dating.
There's plenty of people in phase three who aren't dating.
It just means you're missing out on all the live events.
That's what it means.
And we're actually starting weekly check-ins.
Um, yeah, it's Emily.
Yes.
You move on.
The goal is to stay in phase two for four weeks.
The goal is to watch one video week and to put into practice for that week, the video
that you watched, come to the weekly check-in or put in the Facebook feed what you've learned
from that.
So you're typically in phase one for five weeks.
You're typically in phase two for four.
So by week nine or 10, you should be over in phase three until you get married basically.
And there is no, there is no prerecorded content for phase three.
So everyone always goes to phase three, like where's all the content?
There is none.
Phase three is all live.
Like it's all live.
Now there's, everything's always in replay, but everything is live.
So there's not any prerecorded stuff for you to teaching for you to watch unless you want
to catch up on the replays.
Now there are some really good sessions that we did in January and February, and they will
still be there in the replay for you all when you get there.
So no FOMO, you're like, oh my gosh, I'm missing the sex talk.
Jackie's doing a sex talk with moi on Thursday night, but y'all, we have sex talk here.
We do.
I mean, right.
We talk about stuff.
I know we all do.
And you can ask me, I ran a clinic for 20 years.
There's nothing that you can't ask me that I won't be happy to talk about.
I will be happy to talk about anything with you.
I am as blunt as Jackie is, but that sex talk will be in your report.
It will be in the replay section.
Hopefully by the time you guys, I mean, we've been saying this, you guys were so like, I'm
so proud of the new app.
Like it looks really good.
Cheryl and I've been clicking around everything to make sure it's all working.
We're supposed to hear back from Apple and everyone's like, well, if it's Apple, what
about an Android?
I don't know why, but for some reason, Apple's the holdup, which is a holdup for everybody.
It's the holdup.
Whether you have an Apple and Android, don't ask me why I don't understand the technology.
behind it. But anyway, all right, let's see. You guys definitely respond to roll call.
There are like 200 of you in phase two right now and maybe 40 people responded to the Sunday
roll call. Really? Come on. You can like, if we're willing to respond to your roll call,
you'd be willing to write one. I don't care if you had a crappy week, you had a great
week, you just want to pow, whatever you need to do. Just catch up with us. Let us know
how you're doing because what you guys say in the roll call actually determines what
we say in this class. So if you're like, gosh, I wish we would talk about this and put it
in the roll call, then we'll know that's what you want to talk about. Um, and then as soon
as the community app is ready, y'all know y'all aren't going to miss the memo on it.
So I promise you, we're going to let you know. All right. So here are some six quick content
updates I wanted to remind you guys. And if you were on the prayer call, Jackie came on
my prayer call Monday morning and she talked about momentum. And so I wanted to tell you,
so the first bullet point that we saw just based on some comments is I wrote consistent
actions and attitudes create healthy habits that will propel you in the long run. Y'all
don't throw in the towel. So some of you are like, oh my gosh, I got back online dating.
I'm getting off. It sucks. And you were on like two weeks. Stop it. Stop it. Two weeks.
Now remember you're going into online dating with a new attitude. It's practice. Consider
it practice for the dress rehearsal. You're like, I can't believe they're making me go
back online. Whatever. Like unless you're meeting droves of single men everywhere you
go and you've got plenty of opportunity to flirt and date, well then you keep doing that.
But for me, I was not meeting single men in real life. So I had to resort to this and
I'm so glad you guys, I did. I, well, a, I got a lot of free dinners out of it. B, I
learned so much about myself and you know what? I had a chance to bless some really
dweeby men that probably have not said that they've not been heard that they were like
a nice guy in a really long time. So, um, yeah, Karen, it is hard to, um, it is hard.
I mean, but it's going to give you practice. You guys, the better practice you get doing
it online, you will get, then start getting better practice when you do it in person.
And now like, I mean, I don't know, people are like, Renee, you're just such a flirt
and I don't mean to be, but like, I've just gotten so used to making sure I look nice
and talking to everybody that I can. And you know, just not staring at my phone. It'd be
so much easier to just stare at my phone when I'm out and about. Okay. So consistent actions
and attitudes, you guys do not give up, do not give up. So, but don't go into like, don't
go in an online date or your first date going, Oh my gosh, I would have, like, what if he's
the one? And I'm like, gosh, like, Oh my gosh, do not put that kind of stress on yourself.
You are just getting to know folks. It will be a bonus. If one of the first guys you meet
is your guy, like that's a bonus, but it doesn't happen for most people. Most of us have to
kind of plow through some folks. And so, you know what? And I think I said this in the
online video, really, you guys do not overanalyze why guys suddenly just stop talking to you.
I used to want to know, I used to care. I used to want to have this analysis. I no longer
care. I couldn't tell you how many guys have, there's been times I've been talking to like
I, well, now I have a boyfriend, but I don't do this anymore. But I would have like eight
or nine guys I was talking to and I would check my app and I'm like, huh, I guess he
deleted me. He's gone. He's just gone. And you know what? I don't, it doesn't matter.
Like it's not about you. Cause here's the thing, you guys, if he's deleting you before
you've even met in person or really had a lengthy conversation, he's not deleting you.
He doesn't know who you are, whatever. You know, maybe he found some other chick that
he liked a little bit more. It's okay. Cause like sometimes that's going to happen to you
guys. Sometimes you're going to like a guy, you're just not going to like them enough.
You're going to like them, but you're not going to like them enough or you're going
to like somebody else more. And you don't want to hang on to that other guy just cause
you feel bad. So, you know, it's okay. Nobody wants to compromise. They all want it. We
all want to find our best. Number two, lift all boats. So here's what I'm seeing happen.
And if you're on here, I'm going to see if you're on here. Cause I'm going to call a
couple of you out. Cause y'all have been whiny little women. Um, okay. If somebody gets on
and they post something in Facebook and it's like, wah, wah, wah, right? We're going to
let them whine for a second, but I want you to encourage one another and uplift. We're
supposed to lift all boats. So what I don't want you to do in the chats is go, Oh my gosh,
it totally sucks. Doesn't it? Like, I'm just so sick of it too. Like y'all, we don't want
to be doing that. Like, we don't want to be bringing each other down. Like it is way
too easy to bring someone down, then lift them up. And so, you know, my mama said, if
you don't have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. Now, I mean, for truth,
I want y'all to be honest about where you are, but if you're going to be sad or complain
or whine, go for it, get it out of your system.
But I want you to try to find a way to turn it around to like, you know what it totally blows right now
I feel really rejected. I'm really sad
but
but I
Trust God in this and it hasn't happened yet
Yet, Bethany always has a say yet. It hasn't happened yet. We haven't had our story yet
so I really want you to try to lift one another up and
Encourage one another okay
Number three have an open mind. I've already okay
This is I was trying to talk about have an open mind about all of the videos that I was to check
I'm sorry that you hear my dog whining in the back. It's like she's nocturnal
She has slept and snored all day and now she's decided it's time to play
But we're gonna ignore her have an open mind again
I've already talked to you about this that watch all of the videos no matter where you're at in the dating. Okay, I
Already talked about this too
Don't jump into or out of online dating if you're not ready or if you haven't I will say this the second
You've got a negative attitude and you're working the online dating like it's a job
Take a pause. It is okay to take a pause. You will not miss your guy
It is okay to only spend 10 minutes a day doing it you guys when I was working full-time
I would spend like 20 minutes in the morning and that was it and I wouldn't get back on until at night and I would
Just make sure I check in with the people that I was talking to delete a few like a few go on my day
Because remember if you watch the online dating video your whole job is to use the online dating platform as a gateway to
Conversation I do not stink around and text for five weeks with a guy heck to the no
And I don't want you to give him out a Google number to do the same dang thing
I want you to book a video date. You don't know how to do that. Watch the video
So for there's like oh I give out a Google number why what why?
Then they're just gonna start text you on the phone number like that's not getting you to the next level
So don't do it. I mean you can have you can have a Google number if you want
I'm just saying gets that video day. All right
Go deeper on if I think if I'm gonna challenge you on anything during this age with the divine feminine
I really want you to take a look internally and
Really be praying into like again for the last six weeks
We've been praying into each attribute of the divine feminine and so really take a week and go
What does it mean for me to be a receiver? What does it mean for me to be a nurturer?
How can I show up better as a nurturer not a caretaker?
And so really ask the Lord how you may weigh in on that
The other thing you really want to do is, you know guys are visual. They really just are right
we just have to own that they are and
It just means we always need to look our best. We need to make sure that we're getting enough rest you guys
Everyone's always asking about skin care and makeup routines. Here's the best news I can give you about your skin
sleep water
If you are not getting enough sleep and you are not drinking enough water
There is not makeup that can cover what y'all look like what I look like when we have bags under our eyes
And we've not gotten enough sleep or enough water. So hydration water is free in this country still
So you get yourself a little Brita if your water is crappy and you drink a ton of water
I mean to like to the point you have to go to the bathroom all the time you drink a ton of water and you
Make sure you get at least seven hours of sleep a night. You don't do those two things
It doesn't matter what skincare you use and it doesn't matter what makeup you put on
Like you guys I have like practically no makeup on right now. Somebody just asked me that recently
Oh my gosh, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm getting sleep
I'm drinking a ton of water and I'm eating whole foods and I feel like that has completely changed my skin
But you know be fun be flirty if you're gonna like, okay
Look, I got my little top knot going on
So if you want to do the top knot thing because now that my hair is long enough. I'm all about the top knot
You know how I make myself look more feminine
I put big dangly earrings on and like maybe a cute little necklace and a cute top
So I'm not saying you can't put the top knot on when you go out
But you want to make sure you still look feminine
Okay
This is the last bullet point and then I'm gonna take all your questions and then I'm gonna see what's been going on in the
Chat because I have no time to look at that yet
Have grace for the men that you are meeting. Let me read what I wrote. They're all not taking the heart work
We wish they would be but they're not
They are they have not been getting guidelines and rules like you have so they don't know anything about the five levels of dating
They don't know that you probably shouldn't be having sex too soon
They probably know they don't know that you're not supposed to be kissing on the first date
They may be doing it clunky or
nerdy or
Maybe a little too old-fashioned
Maybe too southern maybe too weird. I don't know just meet them with some grace
It is not your job though to teach them
how to do the hard work.
So you guys, when you're first meeting guys online,
it is, don't school them, don't teach them,
just model what's acceptable for you.
That's how you subtly teach them.
You don't wanna talk after 10 p.m.,
don't return a text after 10 p.m.
You don't wanna have personal conversations by text,
don't answer those questions by text.
You just say, that's a great question,
I'd be happy to answer that on a video chat.
Or if they wanna keep talking,
hey, you know what,
I'm really looking to meet somebody in real life,
so I don't really wanna keep texting or video chatting
if you don't see us getting together for coffee.
Whatever you want for your boundaries,
you set them without telling him
he needs to set the boundaries.
You model the boundaries, and if he's a good man,
he will follow your boundaries.
If he's a bad man, he's unhealthy man,
he's going to bust your boundaries.
And that's not a good guy.
Okay, so now I'm going to take off,
I'm gonna go slide through here.
I just wanna make sure I got to everything.
Emily, you had asked, when do we move into phase three?
You will get an email when you watch the last video,
it triggers, just like it did when you finished phase one.
And so if you vomit all four videos in one week,
which we don't recommend,
even if you watch that last video,
you're gonna get an email trigger that says,
hey, you're ready for phase three.
I will tell you this,
we're gonna deny your entrance into phase three
if you try to bang it out in one week,
or we're gonna want you to park yourself here
for a couple of weeks at least.
But you will get an email.
So say you ignore that email
because you plowed through it too fast.
If it's like two, three, four weeks in,
or you're past that, you're at the five, six week mark,
you just email us at admin at JackieDurham.com
and we will help you get to the next phase.
Why do you tell us to start the dating challenge,
but then tell us to wait and watch the videos
only one per week?
Okay, Karen, let me explain that.
So you can start the dating challenge right away.
No one said don't start dating.
The only people that we have said to pause on dating
until you watch all the videos
are people who feel very out of practice,
who feel very insecure, who are afraid of online dating,
who've never done it before,
and they're still dealing with heartwork stuff.
We want them to take a chance
and work on the videos each week.
Now you can start dating at each week, for sure.
But if you're gonna ask a lot of online dating questions
and or you're freaking out a lot,
we might say, hey, based on what you're asking,
you might wanna press pause on that.
But there's a lot of things you can do
to accelerate your story.
So, but I need the videos to do it right.
Well, okay, I feel you.
That's a good question, Karen.
You know, start with, I mean,
yeah, I mean, you know you, Karen.
I mean, look, you guys, you're all adult women here.
If you can handle watching all, here's the thing,
here's what some people have done.
Some people have watched all four videos in the first week.
Then they go back and go like, okay, I'm gonna,
and so they watch them all to glean enough information
to get their online profile done,
to kind of get back out there meeting people.
And then they take the next few weeks
to start unpacking one video at a time.
So that's another option,
is that you can fly through the videos quickly in a week,
but then really start to unpack them one a week
while you're kind of fleshing out the details.
So it's really, I mean, you're all grown women.
And so the only thing I'm gonna say to you
is if you inhale all the videos very quickly,
then take the next few weeks to really process them.
And here's what's probably gonna happen, you guys.
You're gonna watch that online video or the boundaries one,
and you're gonna be like, all right, that's totally cool.
But then you're gonna start dating somebody
and it's gonna be really different
than when you're just watching it to learn.
You're gonna be like, wait, I don't know how to do this.
Like you guys, in phase three,
people have been there two years,
literally start becoming bozos
with the online dating thing
and they start making old mistakes
and we're like, you know what?
Go back to the boundaries video.
Go back to the dating 101 video
because you've not watched it in a while.
Go back to the basics.
So no matter what phase you're in,
you're always gonna have access to the content
that you have in your arsenal.
And if you're not dating anybody right now,
you can only practice it so much.
Like now that I have a boyfriend,
I'm practicing boundaries and divine feminine
in ways I never did single.
Like it's completely different now.
So even I'm going back to the videos,
go, oh my gosh, wait, how am I supposed to do this?
Like, I gotta compromise.
Like, I totally thought I wanted a boyfriend,
but oh my gosh, I gotta compromise.
Like y'all, I totally thought.
but I wanted a boyfriend,
but I've been single my whole life.
And so I'm realizing there are some things
I'm gonna have to let go of that I did not realize.
And I should have known, how did I not know?
Anyway, I'm gonna keep going.
Let's see.
Yes, so Bridget, I answered your question.
And even on the new app, you guys,
so here's the thing, right now,
you're getting all your content
at the Jackie Dorman site housed by Kajabi,
which you don't care that it's Kajabi,
but it's over there, and we're on community over here.
In the app, it's gonna be one,
you're gonna be in a phase, one tab for the community,
one tab for the curriculum, one tab for the replays,
one tab for the Zoom links, all right there.
But once you get to phase three,
you're still gonna be able to see phase one,
phase two, and phase three.
So you can pop back in to get to that content
in our community at any given time.
So it's super easy.
How do you get in the, it's the roll call.
I mean, I probably sounded way too Yankee when I said that.
So every Sunday, we will send out a post that says,
how are you guys doing?
So there's, we call it a weekly roll call,
just like when you're in school, it's a roll call,
how's everyone doing?
So on Sundays, there will be a post every Sunday that,
and it's in all three phases.
How are you guys doing this week?
What are your wins?
And so you give an update,
and then one of the coaches will respond to it.
So it is, Sarah Bradley,
it is on the Facebook community page
while we're still stuck in Facebook for community.
So all the content right now is at the Jackie Dorman site.
All the community is in your Facebook page.
That's where the community happens.
And so it's a post in Facebook,
and it's always in the featured at the top,
which I know if you have an Android,
you don't always see the featured.
So you're gonna have to do a dig,
a little dig in to get to it.
Um, let's see.
I've had, yep, we totally understand.
Google number after the first date if you wanna continue.
Oh, yeah, so I'm a hugger.
Okay, all right.
You guys, okay, the hug and think.
Okay, let me tell you something about the hug and think.
If you've ever been to a 12-step meeting,
12-step people know to ask for permission before they hug
because they know a lot of people have trauma around touch.
People have been sexually assaulted.
People have been inappropriately touched.
People have been over-sexualized,
sometimes by a family member,
sometimes by a teacher, sometimes by a coach.
And you guys, I come from a big Italian family.
Physical touch is my love language.
However, I am not comfortable touching strangers right away.
It makes me immediately uncomfortable.
It literally puts the hair on the back of my neck up.
So I love physical touch with people I know.
I do not like physical touch with people I don't know.
And there's nothing more scary for me
than when someone comes charging at me
and they're like, oh my gosh, do you like hugs?
I like hugs, I'm a hugger.
And they like, hug me.
And like, they don't let me have a say in the hug.
So don't assume everyone likes to be hugged.
So, and if shaking somebody's hand
just feels really weird for you.
Like, I'm a big fan of reaching out
to give somebody handshake.
But if they're like, oh, I'd like a hug.
If I get enough warning, I'm gonna give you the side hug.
Like, or like a little hug like this.
Just know, like, y'all are laughing at me.
Like, you know, it's like,
haven't y'all ever been hugged
by the creepy old man at church?
And you're like, no,
he's just getting a boob squeeze right now.
I'm just sorry, I just like, just went there, but he did.
So I would say, if you are naturally a hugger,
just say, hey, is it okay if we hug?
But don't be, don't take it personal if they side hug you
or they give you a hand instead.
Sometimes it's just culture too, you guys.
Like Italians, I mean, I know, like we,
different cultures feel differently about hugs.
And so that's how I'll answer the hugging thing.
Just, just be, just pay attention.
How do we get to mingle or meet up with guys
in Jackie's program doing the heart work?
I would wanna hook up with one of them.
Is there somebody, Dawn,
is there somebody in phase three that you already know about
that you wanna like meet?
Otherwise, cause if you do, you can just go,
he's on Facebook because if he's in phase,
if he's in the men's program, he has to be on Facebook too.
So you can find him on Facebook.
It's gonna be much easier for y'all to find each other
once you're in phase three on the app,
you're gonna be able to,
it's gonna be a lot easier for you to find each other.
Right now you have to kind of swim through Facebook,
but once you're on the app,
it's gonna be a lot easier to find each other.
Here's how people do it though.
Once you're in phase three,
well, technically you guys, you see the men,
technically not all of them show up, but men are horrible.
They're going to be much more likely to show up at the live events, but Faith Friday's
Supernatural Sunday, Saturday, Sunday Activation, men are on all three.
If you see a guy on there like, I want to get to know him, drop a dang hanky then, like
screenshot his name and then go find him on Facebook.
And chances are he's going to have a mutual friend of Jackie Dorman or David Dorman, and
he's going to be a member of 1822.
So that's the easiest ways to just slip something in his DM and say, Hey, I noticed you're on
Supernatural Saturday.
I don't really know anything about you except you kind of caught my eye.
I would love to, you know, do Facebook messenger for 10 minutes.
I will say this, when I'm trying to drop the hanky with somebody in phase three or in the
men's program, I do not start a text exchange, but some do.
Some of the men don't like starting with it.
You got to figure it out.
Like, Hey, I would love to chat with you.
Do you want to start with texting or are you up for a video chat?
You let me know what you feel comfortable with.
So you kind of put the ball in his court.
Because I have since learned from some of the men in the program, they are freaked out
by jumping to a video.
Some of them, some of them.
So I was like, Oh my gosh, I've been asking for that the whole time.
I didn't know that scared some of the men away.
So I would say, Hey, do you want to chit chat?
Would you like to chit chat for a bit?
Or would you be open to a video?
Either one is fine with me to start.
And then if you don't hear from them, you kind of have to let it go.
That's like you've dropped the hanky and you have to kind of let it go.
Do we break out in rooms?
I have, this is my first, Oh no, we don't.
We don't break out because you guys ask me really good, fun questions and everyone likes
to hear the answers.
Okay.
If a guy put his phone number on his profile, Oh no, no.
Yeah, no, I don't give out phone numbers.
I don't start, but okay.
So online, and I'll say this, I'll, I don't want to get too far in the weeds on online
dating here, but I, I only give, I always start with what I call the resume information,
the basic stuff that you want somebody to know about you that you don't care if anybody
knows about you.
I always, so if somebody right away says, Hey, can we talk?
I always say, Hey, do you mind if we get through the basics first?
Let's just learn a little bit about each other.
That's very sweet.
Let's just start with the basics.
And if they're like, well, I'm never on this app.
I just prefer phone number.
Awesome.
I do too.
I just want to start with the basics.
If they're not willing to do that, I'm done.
So I'm always going to ask for the basic information.
Like you know, I want to know like, like where do they have a job?
Where do they live?
What do they like to do?
What are some of their interests?
You know, very, very basic stuff.
And then if they say, well, how about a phone call now?
Then I say, you know what?
I prefer to start with a quick video chat.
I feel like when you're first getting to know somebody you've never met in real life, it's
not only good to hear their voice for tone and inflection, but it's really good to see
them as well for body language.
So I don't usually do phone calls until after I've done a video chat with you.
That's me.
I'm very strict about it.
I've had plenty of dates.
So yes, I've, I've been called very mean things by some men who've like, fine, bye bye.
Because if he's a gentleman, he's going to want me to feel comfortable.
So it's not about him being comfortable.
It's about me being comfortable.
That's because Jackie always talks about the three Ms.
We want to find a man who is masculine, mature, and marriage minded.
If he is masculine, mature, and marriage minded, he is going to let you lead.
He's going to want you to feel safe and comfortable.
So you did the right thing.
Two years, aren't they married yet?
Who are you talking about two years?
I will say this, you guys, not everybody is in this program to get married in less than
12 months.
I think there's a lot of people who have been divorced, who have been widowed, and who have
been single for a very long time, and they haven't dated healthy in a really long time.
And so they want to start practicing dating.
They want to get all their relationships right.
They want to get their health right.
They want to lose weight.
They want to get their job secure.
So women come into the program in all different phases of their life, and they're not here
to just get a man.
Now I will say some of the people that leave the most disappointed literally only came
here for one reason.
They didn't want to get healthy.
They didn't want to improve their life.
They just wanted to find a man, and they wanted to get married as fast as possible.
I will be very worried if that's your only goal, because I will worry that you're going
to think that getting married is going to fix all of the other stuff.
And so some people in this program, you know, want to look at all of their stuff.
And some people date a lot, and or date a really good person, and they might get to
level three, and it might
be serious. But 10 months later, they break up and then they need to take a pause because they're
hurt from the breakup. Even though maybe they found a good person, just wasn't their person.
And you guys, it takes a really brave person to break up at level three, maybe six, 10 months in,
because you feel all this pressure in this program. Like, oh my gosh, everyone's getting
married. Everyone's getting married. I got to get married. No, we want you to marry the right
person. Jackie will say that she's a matchbreaker as much as she's a matchmaker. Within a year,
I was at a level three pre-marriage class with somebody. And you guys, I was one of the eight
couples that did not last all eight sessions of Simbis. We got knocked out. We got knocked out.
We just learned enough that we were like, hey, you're a good person, but we want different
things. And so what will happen is if you break up, you might break up much more healthy than
you've ever broken up before. So hopefully that helps you with that. And yeah, some people stay
all the way until marriage. We can't even kick out some of the married people. They're like,
I just love it so much. So we are actually creating a married group for the married
people so they can get out of our room. I'm sweating them out. I like it, but I'm kidding.
Okay. So enough questions in the chat. Evangeline, you are up first. So you go.
Yeah. I have a question. I posted in my roll call that like, so the context is I'm seeing a few
people online for phase two. And also I'm getting to know a few more guys at church. And I feel like
the guys at church, because I know them and there's no context of like, we are meeting on the
app that's triggering more of my anxious side. And I would love any practical tips that you can
give because online it's like, everybody's there to, you know, hopefully meet someone romantically.
Whereas at church, it's like, you don't know. You don't know. Okay. That's good. Well, so fair
enough. And so when are you, are these people that you're just kind of chitchatting with and
you're trying to see if you can have alone time with them? These people that I have been chitchatting
with at church slash texting. And there's like some context of maybe one-on-one hangout, like
go see live music, getting lunch. So it's, it's a little bit like the, the intention is not super
clear. Yeah. Yeah. Have you, so here, so I'm all for, I'm all for being clear. So say Peter,
I'm just making his name up, you are texting, just say, Hey Peter, hey, let's like pick something to
do where you can actually have conversation. So watching a movie is not going to do that.
So that's not going to help you at all. So like, Hey, you know what, would you be up for going
ex-throwing with me or something like, let's go hang out. And then when you're with them in person,
then you can start to ask what I would consider just to like, Oh, so tell me about, tell me a
little bit about where you're at in your life. Like, where are you at with your career? Where
are you at with your friendships? Like, are you looking to date? Like you make it one of a few
questions you're asking about the stage of life that they're in and you start with their career
because that feels safe. And then you can kind of start like, Oh, like, so you're in your 20s or
you've left college, you've just moved. Are you, are you having an easy time finding your friends,
like finding your people? Oh, well, what's it like dating? Are you, have you kind of started dating?
You know? So, and then if they say, well, yeah, because sometimes right away they might say,
you know what, I'm not dating right now. I'm just kind of not in that space. Then you're like, okay,
don't got, got my answer. But they're like, yeah, I'm dating. And just say, you can even just say,
Hey, well, do you mind me asking what you, you know, what you're looking for?
And then if they say something and it sounds like, and I will say this, usually by then
men are pretty, like if you're getting any hint that there might be something there
and you can just say, Hey, you know what? This may sound a little forward, but you know what?
I've really enjoyed, you know, getting to know you today and had a lot of fun. And if you just
want to be friends, I'm totally down with that. But if you want to hang out again and just
see where this could go, I'm open to that too. But really, I am okay too,
if you just want to be friends. I just thought I would ask and kind of put myself out there.
Now, is that awkward? Is it uncomfortable? Yeah, it is. But it may be the only way you're
going to find out for sure, because it is so hard for men today, you guys, like
women are friendly, but aloof. And, you know, men are, you know, men are being accused of a
lot of stuff right now. And so they don't know if they're supposed to open the door for you.
They don't know if they're supposed to.
ask you out, they don't know if you're just being polite.
And so sometimes you just have to toss it out there.
But I would say usually by their body language
and how you're getting along, you can kind of tell.
Here's how I would also know when a guy wasn't into me.
When he started very clearly talking about other women
he was interested in.
I'm like, okay, it's not me.
Or if he's describing women that look nothing like me
or they don't have the person out there,
you're like, yeah, I am starting to look.
And you know, but I, you know, you can say,
oh, well, what are you looking for?
Kind of thing.
And they clearly describe a girl that's not you.
You're like, this is really clear, it's not me.
And so you might kind of then back off
and then you wait to see if they pick up the baton
to ask you out again.
So does that help?
It does.
And how do you, I'm talking to like a few guys at church.
I think for me, it's like, I tend to attach too quickly.
So for example, like one guy on Good Friday
his parents were visiting town and like,
he like made it a point to introduce like his parents to me.
And like, that's a very friendly gesture,
but in my mind's like, oh my gosh,
like he introduced me to his parents.
And so I'm trying to like reel back my,
where my thought goes.
Yeah, and I would just love practical.
Yeah, I mean, that's what this community is for you guys
is to get the crazy out in front of each other
and not in front of him.
So you can put in a post that's like,
oh my gosh, you guys, this is what he did.
Talk me off the ledge, please people talk me off the ledge.
And then 10 people will respond like, girl, roll it in.
Like you got it, like you have to find an outlet
for that anxious attachment.
That's what I have found
because I'm an anxious attachment, secure.
Like, so like all that anxiety,
you got to put it somewhere.
So you have to find a couple of trusted girlfriends,
a family member, the sister squad you got here
and you have to do it and you have to make sure
that they talk you off the ledge
so you don't get all crazy with the men.
Like you got to hide the crazy.
Like, you know what I mean?
You got to like, I'm not saying hide the crazy,
that doesn't sound good at all.
Not in the way.
But in the way because you're trying to,
it's a muscle you're trying to exercise.
Like so for a while and you know,
and you just start to make, I mean, for me,
I just had to make myself really busy.
Like I just had to make myself busy with my girlfriends,
busy at my job, busy at working out,
busy trying to figure stuff out.
Like if I gave myself too much time to fantasize,
like, oh my gosh, I pictured the wedding
and like all the things, no.
So find your outlet, girl,
because there are women here that totally feel you
and are going to be doing the same thing.
It seems like it's about meaning use.
Yeah.
Thank you, Renee.
Yeah, I mean, just we get in our own head, you guys,
but avoidance are, it just is unhealthy, right?
Avoidance just cut and run.
Like they're out of there.
And here's the thing about avoidance.
And I'm not saying this because some of you
are kind of like that avoidance style.
And if you guys did not watch that stuff,
I think it's in your portal, go ahead and watch it.
Avoidance actually start out very similar
looking to anxious attachment people.
They get all hot and romantic.
If anything, avoidance can almost be too romantic upfront.
Like they're trying to reel you in pretty quickly
and you're kind of anxious.
So you like, you know this dance and you're like,
I'm not going to fall in love yet.
I'm not going to fall in love with.
And the second you're like, oh my gosh,
I'm totally going to believe this person.
That's when the avoidant kicks in and they kick out.
And so we want to make sure that we do that.
So you guys journal it, right?
Find a way to get it out of your system.
I'm cheering you on girl.
I've seen good things for you.
And I love it because you're in the game.
You're in the game with us.
And the fact that I know you by name
means you're in the game with us.
Gabrielle, you're up.
I would help if I am muted.
So I guess this is kind of similar to what you're saying.
So I would love to know where in the portal it is.
I feel like I'm both anxious and avoidant.
And I say this and this is part of my question
is how do I, I'm sorry, there's snow plows in Wisconsin.
So if you hear it, that's what it is.
Yeah.
But how do I know what is intuitive
versus the Holy Spirit versus me being avoidant?
And the reason I say this is, so I am moving.
So I'm taking, I'm on hinge
and I've got it set to the location I'm moving to.
So I am being quite fluid with them.
Like it's not a big deal.
Like I'll talk to whoever.
But I did, when I was visiting Austin,
I went on a couple of dates with this guy.
I'm in the short time that I was there
and he like sort of started texting me really weird.
And I was like, oh.
done, but then there was also something inside of me that was like, he's not my person, but
how do I know what's me versus the Holy Spirit?
For me, I have learned, and again, this is like a Holy Spirit muscle you guys want to
start working on.
Start asking the Holy Spirit to nudge you in all areas of your life.
And just start saying, okay, Holy Spirit, like I need you to give me a sign.
I need a couple of signs.
And start to pray.
I have found that the more I sit and hold quiet space for the Holy Spirit to move, the
more he starts to show up in my life.
I know for me, I know it's the, I put this in my book, and it's like, I know it's me
when I feel anxious, when my heart is racing, when I feel like my throat is like caught
in my, like I can't breathe.
And so I have a lot of negative physical symptoms that attach with my anxious or avoidant personality.
When the Holy Spirit is moving in me to do the hard thing, I feel oddly peaceful, oddly
calm, and I usually get confirmation.
And so if I feel like God is this, this, or this, God, can you give me some confirmation?
Can you give me a sign?
Can it be a song, a poem, somebody that calls me like, give me peace about this.
The other thing I used to say to clients at my clinic all the time is try both options
on and play it out and see how your body responds to that.
So like, okay, I'm going to break up with this guy.
Like you say that in your head, I'm going to break up with this guy.
And then see how you feel about that choice for the next few hours.
Do you feel anxious?
Do you feel relieved?
Like, what do you feel?
Like start to pay attention what your body is trying to say to you.
Do you lean in?
Do you want to push away?
And so I feel like for me, that's been a really good way is to look at my breathing.
Look at just, that's how I know the Holy Spirit is moving in me.
There's a peace and a calm and assurance that goes with it.
But when I'm acting in my anxious or avoidant kind of lens, there's like, my heart is racing.
My voice is higher.
I'm talking faster, you know, like all the things that are happening to your body start
kind of happening.
So I hope that helps, but start, good, okay, good, good, good.
That's good.
I'm physical.
I'm very visual and physical.
So I, you know, I do movement and so I really try to, you know, I used to have a guy before
I became a believer, he did all this Reiki stuff on me, but he really, he really started
teaching me about how your body keeps this, you know, the whole, your body keeps the score
and your body really does tell you.
We just don't, we don't, we have to start listening to what our body says.
Our body says a lot, you guys, our body tells us when we're thirsty, you know, when your
body tells you you're thirsty, you're already dehydrated, right?
So listen to what your body is trying to tell you.
Let me go back.
Let's see.
Okay.
Let, thank you, Shannon.
Look at Shannon over there.
It's in the replay section of the portal.
There's three videos.
Look at you, bless you for sharing that information.
I was going to go find it and show it to everybody, but you did that for me.
Love it.
All right.
Sarah Bradley, you're up.
Hi.
So I have a question kind of about a specific scenario.
Perfect.
We love those.
I, there was this guy at church who was obviously just flirting with me.
Crazy.
It was very obvious.
Like if I pick it up because I'm pretty oblivious, it's obvious.
I love it.
That's good.
Like I'm picking up what this guy's putting down, but he gets to the point of almost asking
me out several times and doesn't, and I'm like, okay, fine.
I'm going to call him and ask him about it.
So I did.
And then asked him if he wanted to go out and he actually said he needed to think about
it.
And he gave me two reasons.
He said, one is he's a teetotaler and I occasionally drink.
I told him that didn't matter to me if he didn't drink because that, but the other one
he was right on was that I swear too much.
I picked it up.
I lived in a military town.
I picked it up.
It was a bad habit.
He was right.
He's not the first person to tell me that.
You're my spirit animal.
My boyfriend is like, you've got such a potty mouth and I'm like, yes.
And so he came back to me Sunday, apologized for being harsh and judgmental saying, Hey,
he can't hold me to a standard if he's not willing to keep up with it.
He said he talked to a friend about it really, and he wanted to go out if the offer was still
on the table.
Okay.
Um, so we are going out tomorrow.
Um, but my question is, uh,
Fair?
Yeah, pretty much.
No.
Oh gosh.
Cause we're obviously flirty.
We're flirting over text,
but I feel like I'm initiating a lot.
And how do I not,
I don't want to be over initiating for this.
Like he did apologize that I felt like I had to initiate.
And then after I texted him my schedule Monday,
cause like on Sunday, I just didn't, we met at church.
And I just didn't know my schedule
right off the top of my head.
He's like, he initiated after that, but I don't want to.
So now, so what are you guys doing on the date?
He's taking me to dinner.
Okay, awesome.
Did he pick the restaurant?
He did.
Perfect.
Here's how I try.
So women try to,
we try to rescue the conversation too much in a date.
So that's how we can start to take over.
Like if there's silence,
we feel like it's on us to like start asking questions.
The biggest feedback I get from women is,
he did all the talk and he didn't find out anything from me.
And I'm like, okay,
but did you let him ask you any questions?
Well, no, because they got silent.
So I asked all the questions and I'm like,
well, then you didn't give him any chance
to ask you questions.
So that's why he did all the talking.
So, you know, how I try to get around that is,
you know, so, you know,
what would you like to know about me?
You know, I do ask that question,
but I do have these,
I have a container of funny questions that I like to ask.
And I'll just say, hey,
my rule of thumb when we ask questions
is that the other person has to answer them too.
So anything you ask me, I'll answer,
but then you have to answer the question too.
And anything I ask you, you're gonna have to,
you know, we're gonna reciprocate all questions tonight,
just so we make sure
that we both get to share the same information.
So sometimes I will do that.
Sometimes I've learned to sit in the tension of the silence
and just kind of see what they do,
see if they can kind of pick up that ball.
But even if you do have to carry the conversational a bit,
Sarah, the best way going forward
that you can make sure he leads
is at the end of the day,
you just say something like,
I really enjoyed our time tonight,
assuming that you did,
and just make, I would, you know,
I'll leave the ball in your court,
but I just wanted you to know,
I would love to go out again.
And if you don't want to, that's okay too,
but I look forward to hearing from you, boom.
And then you let him contact you
and you let him pick the date.
You don't find a cute reason to text him the next day.
You know, unless he asks you to let him know
that you got home okay, you're like, okay, great.
So you get home and you just say,
John, thank you so much for tonight.
It was so great.
It was really great getting to know you.
As I said, it'd be great to hang out with you again.
Look forward to hearing from you.
Then you stop.
You don't find a reason like the next day,
if there's a cute little thing, you're like,
oh my gosh, I had to tell them
about this cute little dog I just saw.
No.
Okay.
That was my question.
Yeah.
So that's, it's okay to tell him at the end of the date,
you would like to see him again.
And if he asks you to text him on your way home,
it's okay to tell him that again.
But then at that point he needs to lead.
So hopefully that answered your question.
I can't wait to hear about it.
Don't drink too much
because then you might swear and I'm kidding.
Well, I'm not, I don't drink on first dates anyway
as a general rule and I really don't drink that much.
I'm like a one and done kind of girl.
I don't drink every three months.
I have a glass of wine.
No shame for me here.
Like I said, you know, it's so funny
because my parents never swore.
I never swore.
You know when I started swearing y'all
when I became a cheerleading coach
and those dang parents would start yelling at me.
Like I'm telling you,
I didn't swear until that moment happened.
And y'all I'm in seminary.
Like I really, I told my boyfriend, I'm like,
cause he's like, Renee, I'm like, I know,
like I gotta get a swear jar.
Like I really, I really got to do it.
And it's just, it's just a bad habit.
And you guys, the more I see it on other people,
the more I find it unattractive.
So I'm like, I really need to work on this.
So Sarah, you and I will work on it together.
Okie dokie.
Let me keep looking.
Anybody, raise your hand if you need me
while I'm looking through.
Carrie Ann, you're having trouble.
You're having trouble having conversations with guys
meaning you're not finding them online.
You're not finding them in person.
Here's an easy way to start talking to men.
Y'all, this really works too if you're under five, four,
make sure you always find something on the top shelf
that you need some other guy to get for you
at the grocery store.
I always ask, like today I was at the gym,
good old planet fitness.
Now I'm so used to doing this now, even with a boyfriend,
but I don't care cause now it's just chivalry.
Y'all, I can't reach to hook up
like the bar that comes down.
You know how they change out the pieces.
I always ask a man to do it for me.
When I'm at the airport and if a guy off,
I start to look like I can't get my bag up
in the overhead bin.
I'm like, oh, and they're like,
oh, let me get that for you.
Awesome, thank you.
Thank you so much.
Stand at a door, wait for a man to open it.
So that's how you start practice talking to men.
Believe it or not, sometimes, and I know this may be bad, but practice talking to older
men that seem like your father's age or men that are clearly married that you're friends
with.
Just start learning how to be polite.
Like I started learning how to be polite at the BMW service center.
Like all these old farty men in their golf outfits would come in, but I just started
practicing talking to them.
Like they were low hanging fruit.
I didn't want to date them, but I just started learning to be really friendly and practicing
that.
Okay.
Tell me, Chriselle, is that how you pronounce your name, Chriselle?
You're muted.
Yes.
That's actually how you say it.
Impressive.
Thank you.
Woo.
Awesome.
You are up.
Awesome.
So question.
So I was speaking specifically to one guy for, I think it was about six weeks.
And then I was away, long story.
But then we spent time together and then his mask came off and I'm like, so there was some
stuff and I was like, I couldn't, like I had zero peace and Holy Spirit's like, nope, nope,
nope.
I'm like, but maybe, but maybe, but maybe I'm like, I said, listen, this isn't bringing
me closer to Jesus.
So I said, I would just going to end it.
And you know, so whatever.
He went to church with me on Sunday and I ended it on Wednesday.
So wait.
So you went to church with him on Easter or the, the Sunday before Easter before, or I'm
sorry, the Sunday before Easter.
Yep.
Okay.
So now I'm still out there and now I'm speaking to somebody else and he dropped the hint today
or yesterday when we went for a walk, our first time was for a walk yesterday.
And then today he said something about, he goes to church at a Jewish mess messianic
on Saturday.
And I said something about, Oh, you're going to work on Saturday.
How dare you sinner?
Frickin chops.
It's like, well, maybe I'll find a church to go to on Sunday and kind of hinting.
And then I'm like, Oh no, I'm going to be the girl that shows up to church with a different
guy every other week.
And I don't want to do that.
So can you help me?
So funny.
One of my first dates with a guy who was a long distance, what would you guys call them?
Short, long distance.
He was like three hours away.
Our first date was at a church service before Jackie said, don't make, do that as a first
date.
And so like, you're just making me think of that, you know, you could just, yeah, you
don't want to be that girl that's inviting them to church.
And you don't, um, I'm also a fan though.
I went to, I went to Rick's church very early in our dating, but it partly, it was because
we met online and I wanted, he just seemed too good to be true.
So I wanted to make sure he was who he said he was.
And he is involved in a men's group there and they actually vetted me as hard as I was
vetting them about him.
And so for me, I stepped in a church service and he came to my church with me the very
next week for the same reason.
He wanted to make sure I was who I said he was.
And there's nothing like meeting your person's people, like it's just cause you know, you
guys, who you spend time with says a lot about your character.
And so I'm very proud of the people I spend time with and they mean like one of them just
went up to Rick and he's like, you know, we love Renee, so you can't screw this up.
You know, that kind of thing is really good.
So you don't necessarily want it as your first date and just say like, Oh my gosh, you know,
I would love for you to come to my church sometime.
This week is probably too soon.
So let's put a pin in it.
Let's put a pin in it.
It sounds like a really great idea, but let's put a pin in it this week.
Like that's how you can get away out of it.
Like that sounds like so much fun and I would love to do that.
So you guys like, you know, I've been a believer my whole life.
I've been in full-time ministry since I was 29.
And so I've been really, I was in such a slump for a long time finding men that just were
not far enough along in their faith.
And I know Jackie says men worship God differently, totally get that, but I'm too far in.
And it's like, there's just something, there's some, just some things I was, I mean, I was
willing to compromise on church attendance, denomination, but I wasn't willing to compromise
on them having a relationship with Christ and feeling like it wanted to move, that part
of their relationship wanted to move forward as it is, you know, so I think it's okay for
you to hold out for that.
And so, because of that, you don't want to get super religious with the men too soon,
but if it's a big part of your life, then it's okay if you're having that conversation
too.
Let's see.
What if you don't feel well when you ask to break up with that guy?
You guys, I will say this, it never feels good to break up with somebody.
Like you just want, I mean, it doesn't feel good to get dumped and it doesn't feel good
to be the dumper.
And here's how you can just love them well.
It, you know, you know, John, it's been such an honor to get to know you.
I'm so grateful that you were willing to share your time with me.
Um, I'm just really just feeling like the Lord's kind of pulling me in a
different direction and you're such an amazing guy.
I want you to be with somebody who is a hundred percent all in for you.
And so I just don't think that's me right now.
And, but I'm just so grateful and honored that I got a chance to get to know you.
Boom.
And that's it.
And you just exit the conversation.
So you just tried to affirm them and support them.
And, um, I say this, I think in the boundaries teaching, sometimes we
don't want to hurt people's feelings.
And so we say nothing, but then we cause more harm later.
So in our attempt to not hurt someone, we end up harming them.
And that's because we don't want to say the hard stuff.
And you guys, we would want a guy to say that to us.
Neither none of us here would want a guy half assing it with us.
We wouldn't want a guy who's only all in for us.
Like we wouldn't want him to drag it out.
Okay.
Last I do, oh girl, I'm telling you, it's interesting.
I, my, it's funny.
Christina is talking about physical.
I believe that.
Like I would, I could literally get sick to my stomach.
Like I've had bad relationships that made me want to throw up and
do all of the other stuff too.
So I promise you the body keeps a score.
A dog knows your dog knows and your stomach knows your gut knows.
Um, okay.
Let's see, Karen, you're saying I'm Catholic and 90% of the men at
church are 70 to 80, 70, 80 years old.
Is that what you're saying?
Like they're old men.
I'm sorry.
Um, you know what you got like, okay.
So the Catholic men, cause I grew up Catholic.
So I know a lot of Catholic people still, they are all involved with, oh my gosh,
what's the men's group that they're all involved with?
I'm having a brain freeze.
There's like a men's Knights of Columbus men, Catholic men are involved in them.
There are, you need to find about the local chapters, the Knights of Columbus
when they're doing fundraising events and dinners and potlucks are always
raising money with a pancake breakfast or some kind of event.
You need to start going to some nights.
You need to look up what the Knights of Columbus men are doing in your area.
Cause they have done, in my opinion, a really good job attracting younger men
into the fold, sometimes even better than at a Sunday church service.
And, um, yeah, that's what I'm going to encourage you to do.
Find out about what the Knights of Columbus are doing in your town.
Uh, let's see.
Yep.
Can't you just say, do you have any questions for me?
Yep.
Karen, that's what I said.
Yeah.
See, we were, we were tracking.
Did, uh, uh, and you guys, I'm only going through the chat
cause no one's hand is raised.
So if you want to get in your little hot seat with me, ask me a question, share
wind, share something, ask me something about the video that confused you.
Melissa Dawn, you're up girl.
Okay.
So, um, I just find it interesting what you just said about how you're not
willing to settle Renee regarding, um, because you have such a long track
record with the Lord, does that include a time that someone has been a Christian
or is it more about the quality of their relationship with Christ?
It's more of the quality.
So, um, Rick has been, he grew up Catholic like I did and kind of fell away.
His family's not really believers at all.
And after his life fell apart, um, about 12 years ago, he said, Renee, I went
back to church cause I was searching.
Like my life was just falling apart and I was searching.
Um, and so he's been active in his church for the last 12 years.
He's in two men's group.
He's in a life group.
He's on the security team, but I can tell you just in the two months, three months,
three months that we've been together theologically, he's like, and he started
to read my book and he knows I'm in seminary school and he's like, Renee,
you clearly have way more biblical knowledge under your belt than I do.
You just do.
And he's not wrong.
I do.
And so if I were to, if I were to judge him head to head on how many verses he
knows and Bible stories that he knows, um, I would probably, you know, whip his
butt, but you know what, in some ways his faith is so much more pure than mine
sometimes.
And it's, um, he questions things and he's super committed.
Um, he's got these men speaking into his life and over his life and that's really
sexy to me.
Like, I'm like, I don't have to worry about doing any of that.
And so that's for me.
So it's been quality.
Now, if it was two years in.
I might notice the difference like I might it might be too soon for him
Like if I've met a guy who's literally just starting to go back to TV
He found Jesus at Easter last year and he's just digging in that might be too soon for me
Just because of where I am. I don't know how I wouldn't dominate the relationship spiritually
It just because I'm already a strong person. I'm already in leadership
Like it would be really I would have to really rein my faith in
and so
But
That's a good question because every now and then I will make comments and he's like I have no idea what we're talking about
Like or I'll say things assuming he knows what I'm talking about and I'm realizing ooh
He doesn't know that but that's okay because I'm looking at his I'm looking at the fruit
Jackie always talks about the fruit. The fruit is like I think about the fruit of the Spirit
He's so many of those attributes more than any man
I've dated who was like an elder in the church like do you know I mean them?
So I'm also looking at the fruit. Can he old his own with me and I'm looking at the fruit. So does that help?
It really does. I I am kind of in
that situation you just said about the two years like the guy that I'm talking to and and I I too have studied theology and
Didn't in ministry for eight years and many many other things
So I can very much relate to what you're saying and so I think my other question related to this would be
This guy
We have a connection and I would say like
Emotionally, we have a connection which has often been a very big gaping hole and prior
Relationships which so it's not enough. It's not nothing. I would say
Personally intellectually, I feel like we have a good connection
I do have more education technically than he does but he's a he's a thinker and he is intelligent and he is
you know analytical as well and
has interesting thoughts so so
emotionally intellectually and also
physically, we're both attracted to each other and then
And then spiritually he's just at a different point in his journey
but I like what you're saying Renee where it's like
you can appreciate like the purity of heart or like the sincerity and the humility and also the value of community and so I
Feel like he is very teachable this guy
But he's just he does have a lot to work through and so but I was actually gonna I was like, oh man
I better just like, you know, cut the cord. I don't want to lead him on but I don't think you should cut this guy
I don't think I'm not getting that. I'm not getting that in my spirit that you're supposed to cut
I I think especially if here's what's gonna help you Melissa and it's helping me if
He's involved in a men's group. Then then other men in the church can disciple him
so you don't have to that's gonna be the key is that you don't have to be the one to disciple him and so
Theologically you might snow him sometimes and that's okay and you can teach him some things just like I can teach Rick some things
But where we go awry is if we start taking the leadership in
Shepherding them and discipling them and then that could kind of puts us in front of them and that's not
What God would want us to do so I would say you have all of the other things
You need to keep talking to this guy and as long as he's continuing to grow and he's letting other men feed into him
That will get you off the hook. I
Think you're absolutely right. In fact, we just talked about that today and I encouraged him, you know
I just mainly shared it from my story like it was a game-changer for me where the women that mentored and discipled me and blah blah
It was so I very much agree with what you're saying
But I think like it it's like I also it's just like financially even you know
we connect emotionally but like he like he needs to go to counseling and work through some anger stuff and
But the thing is he's aware of that and I know that was one of the key things that Jackie and all of us
Had talked about that one thing. Are they self-aware?
I guess my question would be just like I
mean do I just kind of wait and definitely just build a friendship with him because I actually feel I mean we are friends and
We have a really solid connection, which does not how long how long have y'all been talking?
I mean really just like eight days or actually since
26 whatever that was. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. So do are you guys actually going out on dates?
Well, we're long-distance at this point
We face time like we do we've logged many hours on FaceTime and I'm gonna be going in one month
To Texas to see my family and I could meet him even though financially he's not in a good place
I I would be close enough that he could literally just drive a couple of hours and come to where my family lives
You definitely I would say
Keep talking to him. Okay. So he's long distance. Keep talking to him. Keep getting to know
him. Give him a chance. Seem in person. I believe you will have confirmation in person.
Okay. Okay. I do. I do. Um, and, and by the way, cause Evangeline asked me, did Rick
ever trigger you? Girl, I get triggered all the time still. Like, like I'm still human.
Like I, I didn't think I was triggerable anymore. I'm like, I have been there done and I bought
the t-shirt. Like I was secure attachment now. Like, I don't understand it, but, um,
we still have our buttons. Y'all, we all still have buttons. We all have things in our story
that if someone hits that button, it's going to like, it's like the amygdala. Like it literally
you feel in the back of your brain and it's as if like you're right back there. That's
her in relationship, healed in relationship. That means there are only so many things that
you're going to get healed from without your partner. Some of the things in your healing
that still need to happen. They're not going to happen until your healthy relationship
comes in front of you. And so irony, like when I've been triggered, I'm like, that's
it. I'm done. I'm out of here. Like, I'm just like, I want to go. And it's much harder
to, um, he just called me. It's like he knew I was talking about him. That's hilarious.
And so you all don't be afraid to get triggered. It's always a revealing for healing. So not
every trigger means that he's a red flag. So I'm glad you asked that question because
not every trigger is a red flag. Sometimes those triggers are for you to get your stuff
together and you to lean into God and see what God has for you. Bridget, go.
Okay. So I've been on Facebook dating for about a week. I'll turn my camera on. So I
feel like we're having a face to face. Thank you. I appreciate that.
So I, yeah, I've been in the, the phase two for several weeks. I finally decided to do
Facebook dating. I, um, I don't feel like I'm super overwhelmed. Like I'm doing okay
with it, but I'm juggling like 15 different conversations and I'm only on one app. And
so I feel like my yes and tell no, like I don't have enough of these guys, red flagging
for me to ditch them. And so my yes pile is just accumulating and I'm getting so exhausted.
I'm an, I'm Italian, but I'm an introvert and all of my free time is going to this polite
conversation that doesn't have much chemistry, but there's not really been any red flag.
It's just so meh. Okay. I'm going to help you. First of all,
you can on Facebook dating, you can pause at any time. So if you feel like the influx
is too much, and I will say this, Facebook dating is feast or famine. So when you first
get in, they're going to flood you with a bunch of things and then it's going to be
like crickets and then they're going to get flooded and then it's crickets. You can pause
any of the apps at any time. So if you feel like I can't talk to more than eight guys
at one time or 10 guys at one time, then put your thing on pause and finish the conversation.
Um, I don't know if you're on this call this whole time. I will only text for a few days
before I'm like, Hey, you're starting to ask really good questions. I just think are
more appropriate by a video date. You know, I've got a zoom account. Would you be open
to hopping on a video date? So I try to move very, very quickly to a video date so I can
see them, body language, tone, inflection. You guys, just because somebody can write
you a cool text back doesn't mean that they're good verbally with you or the opposite can
be true, Bridget. There might be some guys that are sucking wind right now at texting
you because they hate texting. But if you call them on a video, you might see their
whole personality come out. So what you needed to start doing is up in the Annie to weed
some of them out. They, some people rise to the table and some people need to go, right?
We need to get them to that point of decision one way or the other or myself. So, um, what
I know about myself is that, you know, I, I, I do really early mornings. I have my devotional.
I go to work, I come home, I'm fried. So after work is not like the best time for me to squeeze
in a video date. I, I mean, I'm just, so then you might just have to book them. You might
have to book some back to back on a Saturday. Okay. That was my question. Okay. I did. You
guys, I used to have like three dates in a row. Like, I mean, even in person I've gone
to one rest. There were three restaurants I would toggle, like talk of it. Someone said,
Chris, you know how you just said, I don't want to be the girl that brings a guy to church.
No, I had three.
restaurants and they're like, you again? Like I was bringing a different, I was just bringing
just different men. I mean, and I would go from one to the next and like, I would get lunch at
one and coffee at the other one and just go back to back. So it is okay to go back to back. I mean,
if anything, if you book them on the hour, only budget to talk to them 30 minutes. If you go 45,
great. But now you have an excuse to get off the phone. Like, oh my gosh, I had such a great time
with you, but I've got another appointment. You know, I'd love to talk to you again,
or it was so nice talking to you and you'd never say anything about talking again.
So it's okay to offer days and then video date and then up it to in person.
And I feel like I always decided after a video day, is this somebody for me,
either after a video day, I wanted to then see them in person or I was done.
Okay.
I might book a second video date if there's more distance and it's like two hours away,
you know what I mean? But if it's what we call short, long distance, like three hours,
I wouldn't do more than three video dates before I booked a live visit.
Obviously, like Melissa's talking to somebody that she's hopping on a plane, she would be
hopping on a plane for. And at that point, Jackie would say, don't talk to them more than six weeks
or six long video dates before someone's booking a live visit, because you can create this whole
internet relationship that's not real. And what about too soon for an in-person?
Because one of the guys- Never too soon.
Never too soon. If you wanted to book an in-person date,
the very first day I started chatting with him, I'm like, no dude, I need to get to know you.
Well, okay. So here's what I've done. Hey, do you mind if we just get the basics out of it?
So this is why I say, do you mind if we get just the basics out of the way? Let me go first.
So then I've guide them on what I, here's what I'm willing to share about you.
Can you give me similar information return? Then they do that. So if they're insisting on meeting
me quickly, then they have to come to me. I will pick a place that I feel comfortable with,
and I will usually pick lunch or coffee. I will not pick a whole meal. I will not pick an evening
because I don't know if I want that much of their time. So I'm like, hey, I can meet for coffee
Saturday morning. I can meet at lunch on Saturday. I can meet at the park, you know,
before, before I have another appointment, I can, I can give an hour here. So if they want to meet
me right away, then I make it as safe and as easy for me. Yeah. Okay. That's good. Yep. Lynette.
All right. So this probably only happens to me, but it took me years to finally do online dating
and my friend Susan, who's on here knows how long it finally took me to do it.
Anyway, um, got on Facebook dating all good. Um, I've only matched with people that like me.
Um, this one guy was really handsome. We hit it off. We just, our paths had completely crossed
throughout the years. We knew so many mutual people. He asked me to coffee. I couldn't go.
I had to work. We went to lunch instead, had a great, great conversation, knew so many of the
same people during that conversation. He, uh, tells me he's going through a divorce. I'm like,
why would he ever be like on the dating app going through a divorce where it says looking for a
long-term relationship? I agree. And then I go and then I find that out at the lunch.
And of course he's already asked me to do something else again. I know I'm going to
say no, but I'm just like, all right, well, let's, let's, let's get, let's get more information
where, how long have they been separated? Going on two years.
Lynette, girl, this happens to everybody. So you, this is not a unique situation.
Um, some people have been waiting for their divorce to get finalized for like two years.
Um, courts have been backed up, child custody, financial issues. So how long has it,
they've been separated? Two years.
Okay. Is there a- Going on two years.
And they were doing collaborative, but it's not going to work. So anyway.
Is there a court date? No, they've been doing collaborative and,
um, she won't agree to anything in the world. So now they're going to have to
convert to litigation. So I'm like, I'm not going down that path.
Well, okay. So you're pretty adamant about that. So here's what I have said to like,
because I've, I've, here's what I have said to, um, men like, just so you know,
until you're divorced, I, I can get to know you as a friend,
but I cannot start a romantic relationship with you because that's my deal breaker.
And so there was one guy that I was talking to, he thought that was totally okay. But then
a week later he like broke it off with me because clearly he wanted to start dating.
And that's not my comfort zone. I mean, I know Jackie's been very honest that her and David
together before their divorces were finalized and they got married very.
soon after their divorces were finalized.
That has never worked for me.
Whenever I've dated a man not completely divorced
or too soon out of his divorce
and he's done no divorce care, no therapy, nothing,
it's usually backfired in my face.
And so I have, I got very, very cautious about it.
But if you really liked him,
you could say, and I don't know how much you trust yourself,
like, hey, I really enjoyed getting to know you.
I'm just, I can't start any kind of romantic relationship
while you're still married,
even though at this point it's a court system thing.
I could be your friend, we could hang out.
I mean, but the problem is,
Lynette, I don't know what state you're in,
but if they're just starting the filing,
you're talking about another six months, at least.
Oh no, today he told me he's probably looking
at a year to year and a half.
And I'm like, yeah, like, but I mean,
we weren't talking about it in the context of like,
about us, it was more, you know, I'm very inquisitive.
We have a lot, like our daughters actually graduated
in the same graduate class.
So does he want you to date?
Does he want you to date?
Oh, does he still marry you?
Oh my gosh, he is the biggest like charismatic planner,
like make reservations, all this stuff.
And I'm like, anyway, I just gotta tell him.
Well, you gotta do what's right for you.
There are 42 people on this call right now
with probably 42 opinions about that.
And I don't think it's, and you guys be careful,
you guys, I haven't said this before
and Jackie probably has.
Well, be careful about what you say
about different denominations in this group
and be careful about what you say
about when people should be dating a divorced person.
We have all different denominations here
and we need to hold safe space for all of them.
I've seen dogma and religion in all denominations
and I've seen the Holy Spirit in all of them.
And we have a lot of opinions about divorce.
So let's hold space.
I think mine comes more not about.
No, no, no, you're allowed to have your own choice
for yourself Lynette and that's totally okay with you.
I'm just saying, I don't want people sidebarring,
telling you what you should or shouldn't do.
Like at the end of the day,
it really has to be your choice,
what you feel comfortable with.
So if you feel like you need to kind of nip it in the bud
and that's a deal breaker for you,
then it's a deal breaker for you.
And God's not gonna give you somebody,
if it's a God defended deal breaker,
he's not gonna give you.
And that's what I had to realize you guys.
Like I was just starting to get to this place
where I was like, okay, God,
am I gonna have to compromise on my faith?
Am I gonna have to compromise on his intelligence?
What am I gonna have to compromise on?
Because like, I'm kind of in this...
And then, you know, not a week later,
like the Lord gave me somebody who like is really,
literally everything I've asked for, which is ironic.
My sister jokes that I'm dating myself,
which is good and bad all at the same time
because we can both be a little sensitive
and we can both talk.
He talks more than me
and I didn't think that was humanly possible.
I'm gonna show you something.
So anywho, I hope that helps Lynette.
I mean, were you just asking for me
to affirm your choice of nipping into the bud?
I just think about Jackie,
our 3Ms are mature, masculine and marriage ready.
And so it doesn't reconcile in my brain
that someone going through a divorce
can be marriage ready.
Well, she says marriage minded
and marriage minded isn't marriage ready.
Or marriage minded.
She says marriage minded,
meaning they're dating because they wanna get remarried.
And I guess that's a good question is,
does this guy even wanna get remarried right away?
Like a lot of times I've met men who are like
just getting out of a 30 year marriage
and like, they're just so like, they just need time off.
And so unfortunately he may wanna date you.
He may wanna hang out with you.
He may even wanna play house with you,
but he may not be ready for marriage for, you know, a while.
So he might not be marriage minded.
He's definitely not marriage ready.
He can't be, cause he's still married.
But yeah, you gotta follow your heart.
You gotta follow your heart.
And again, back to what somebody said,
how do you know if it's anxious attachment
or being avoidant versus the Holy Spirit?
Cause you have peace about that choice.
That's how you know it's the right choice.
It's just cause you have peace about it
doesn't mean it's not hard you guys.
So don't think peace means easy.
Y'all just thought I would let you see my man.
Isn't that cute?
That little man.
Oh, that's so cute.
Yep.
You guys, and all the tall women, you can hate me
because I don't know how this happened,
but I am dating the tall guy.
Do you see how short I am?
I'm in four inch heels.
Yeah, he's six two and I'm four 11.
It's not right.
So there's my compromise.
I did not pick the tall guy.
Okay.
All right.
Raise your hand if you need me, we're doing good.
I'm gonna take a couple more,
but I'm gonna make sure
if you're still healing from burn, which.
You guys, like there's no time,
there's no specific time on rebound.
It really has to do with how much work you've done
and how healthy you are.
So I know some people can do the work and get pat.
I will say this, like when I broke up,
when Jeff and I broke up like eight years ago,
I was devastated.
I don't think I could date for a year.
I was devastated.
But then when Grover and I broke up two years ago,
I felt relieved.
Y'all, I felt relieved.
I don't know why.
And that tells me I shouldn't have been marrying him.
I felt relieved.
I was ready to date in two weeks
and I was in a pre-marriage class with him.
So you just never know where people are in that.
Okay, will all the men have gone through the heartwork?
Allison, every man that is in the program right now
is also doing the heartwork with you.
I suspect we're gonna get men of all different,
like single nation.
If you are in single nation,
those are not all men that have done the heartwork,
but they are all men that are real men.
So if there are men in the program
and in the dating app within the program,
it's an opportunity for you to ask
if they're doing the heartwork or not.
See, here's the problem, you guys.
A lot of times women come in this program,
they're like, I only wanna date men who do the heartwork.
Well, where are all the men?
Well, okay, not as many men are jumping to do the heartwork,
believe it or not, like women are.
And so we are always trying to find that fine line
of making our program accessible
for all men who wanna show up,
depending on where they are in their heartwork readiness,
but also have enough men for you guys to meet.
So we're trying to do the best that we can
and trying to strike the right balance.
And so I suspect as we move into the app
and as we create the dating app,
we're gonna get a lot more men.
I cannot guarantee that all of those men
are doing the heartwork to the degree that you are,
which means you need to be cautious.
However, it's gonna be a great app
because it's only gonna be men in the program
that were recommended by other women.
So it's a community,
it's gonna be community-based matchmaking.
So unlike an app, there's gonna be no robots,
there's gonna be no scammers,
and we're gonna make sure only men
who have been vetted are in the program.
So like sometimes I might meet a guy
that I thought was really nice, but he wasn't my guy,
I would recommend him to the program, right?
Cause he's somebody's guy.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right.
Sounds good.
All right.
I think we're all set.
It is the bottom of the hour.
You guys were so much fun.
So if this was your first time coming, please come back.
We have lots of fun here.
I always give you guys about an hour to ask your questions
and get in the hot seat with me and cheer you on.
And I will see you in phase three too,
as long as you wanna be here.
You guys just stay in the community, stay in the program,
even if you're frustrated,
even if you're not dating anybody,
even if you're in a slump, we've all been in a slump.
I can honestly tell you, you guys,
I've been in this program longer than I wanted to be
before I got married, but you know what?
Like God has brought somebody to me that was worth it.
And I'm so glad I did not compromise
just to finish the program faster, if that makes sense.
All right.
Go and have a God blessed night.
See you all next week.