Right, so welcome to this week's PATH session.
And it's gonna be a good one.
And I feel like we are having it
because so many of you have asked questions
around the topic of sex.
That's right, if you stumbled in here
not knowing what tonight is about,
we are gonna talk about sex, baby.
And we're gonna talk about all things
that have to do with sex and no holds barred,
meaning that you can ask anything that you want.
You can also comment anything that you want.
We will not be offended, all right?
So there will be no prudes here tonight.
That being said, we definitely want to make sure
that we're reframing sex, what it is,
why we have it, where it came from, all the things.
And then we'll talk about the porn culture that we live in.
We live in a very pornographic culture.
And so that is a counterfeit to the intimacy
that God created for us.
And we're gonna talk about how that has affected us
personally, and then maybe get some healing
for that tonight.
I think there's gonna be some breakthrough
for those of you that have been sexually abused
and violated in childhood or in adulthood
by relationships where people were unfaithful,
by relationships where the person was being motivated
by the things that they were seeing within pornography
and all the different things.
You guys, we live in a culture
that is quickly deteriorating
beyond anything recognizable in the area of sex.
All right?
Has anyone, does anyone know that the polyamorous thruple
thing is on the rise right now?
Does everyone know what a thruple is?
It's like a couple, but T-H-R before it, right?
Meaning three.
So a thruple is a monogamous relationship,
if you can use that word there,
of three people instead of two people.
Now I was raised to believe that two is company,
three is a crowd, right?
And so a thruple is a relationship between three people,
sexual relationship, live-in sexual relationship,
almost like a commitment between three people,
also known as polyamorous.
Now polyamorous can include more than three people.
Polyamorous means that poly meaning many
and amorous meaning, you know, love.
The word love should not be used there, obviously,
but meaning that you're gonna have
sexual romantic relationships
with more than one person at a time
and everybody knows about it.
It's not called cheating because everyone knows about it
and everyone's okay with it, right?
And then Renee, if you can kind of look at
what, Renee will be my sidekick tonight.
It'll be me and her
and we got a lot to say about sex for sure,
but she's going to,
will you look up what we can look out for on dating apps?
If people are into anything kinky, any kink, any fetishes,
any code language for kink, fetishes,
or polyamorous type of stuff,
if you could quickly Google so we can make sure
that we are able to tell people.
So you can look out for this
before you even talk to someone
in case they're into something weird
because they're not always just gonna be right
from the get go, like, show me your feet.
That does happen and if you're not aware of that,
we'll tell you about that.
So Father God, we thank you for your goodness.
We thank you that you created us
and you create us to have vibrant, intimate relationships,
including sexual relationships
and Holy Spirit, we are allowing you to lead
and guide us tonight to the places
of greatest breakthrough and healing,
to the places where we can come back into alignment
with the divine meaning of sex,
what it's for, why you created it besides procreation
and how we can enjoy it with no shame.
In Jesus name, amen.
So we can cover all the topics tonight, you guys.
We can cover all the things that I just mentioned.
We can also cover masturbation.
That usually offends some people
and some people quit the group
after we talk about masturbation,
but hey, I'm willing to go there
if you're willing to go there
and tell you what I think about that.
And so, yeah, all the things, all the things.
So let's kick off the night with kind of God's view of sex.
I think that one of the main problems
is that we have been raised, probably,
you've been raised in an environment
where sex is bad, bad, bad, bad until it's good, right?
And I know that abstinence kind of celibacy environment
that some of you were raised in in your families.
Also, if you were raised in church,
you got a double dose of this.
The problem with that mindset
is that you can't automatically.
turn the bad off of something just now
because you're married, right?
We can't look at sex through the lens of,
oh, it's bad, it's shameful.
It's, and then all of a sudden when you get married,
it's great, it's wonderful.
You know, we can't, that you can't turn that off.
If you feel ashamed of your sexual desires,
your sexual arousal, if you feel ashamed of that,
then you're going to also feel ashamed of that
within marriage or within some sort of monogamous,
committed sexual relationship, which we call marriage, right?
So let's reframe sex.
Just right off the jump, right from Jump Street tonight,
God created sex.
Adam and Eve, had they not sinned in the garden,
they were still going to have sex.
Sex is not a byproduct of the curse.
The shame that we feel about sex is a byproduct of the curse.
Write that down.
Sex is not a product of the curse.
It isn't like, oh, you sinned and you fell.
And so now, you know, you're damaged goods.
So now Adam, you're going to stick your penis in her vagina
because that's part of the curse.
No, y'all, that's not part of the curse.
That's a good thing.
All right, so they were going to be having sex
before the fall, before the curse,
before the counterfeit identity came.
But the shame in having sex, the shame in nakedness,
the shame in intimacy came with the curse.
That was a byproduct of the curse.
And so chances are, depending on what generation you're from
you have felt shame about your sexual desires,
your arousals, even your body.
Okay, God wants you to glow, G-L-O-W.
God gave me this acronym years ago, G-L-O-W.
God loves our womanhood.
He loves our womanhood.
What does that mean?
That means that your body is not shameful.
Your boobies, they're amazing.
Those milk bags, whether or not a baby
ever feeds off of them or not, they're incredible.
The feminine form is incredible.
Your vagina, incredible.
If you've never seen it, go take a look at it.
It's incredible.
Learn to love it, okay?
Seriously, your hips and your curves
and your extra 20% fat storage, it's incredible.
Everything about you, regardless of what your shape
or size is as a woman, your female body is beautiful.
It's beautiful.
And I know that we live in a culture
that either tries to weaponize female bodies
for the purpose of seduction and deception and manipulation
or it tries to get us to hide our bodies
because we should be ashamed of them.
Do you guys know that just a few,
a few hundred plus years ago, not that long ago,
women were not allowed to come in public
when they were pregnant.
They weren't allowed to be seen in public.
Your due date used to be called your time of confinement.
Is that not crazy town?
It was considered indecent and immodest
for a woman to be seen in public impregnated.
Why?
Because that suggested that, oh, you've had sex.
You guys, that's a mess.
Back in those days, women wore clothes under their clothes
and then they wore more clothes under those clothes.
Have you ever seen these women trying to take off
all their many, many layers of clothes
in these period dramas that we watch?
I'm like, dude, I don't know how you wore all those clothes,
but that's a lot of clothes.
I mean, the underwear that they wore
were like full suits of clothes.
I'm like, what are we doing here?
And now our underwear look like slingshots.
They're really tiny maybe, or maybe you're like me.
You like the full coverage underwear.
Cause like, what's the point?
I don't want to feel like I have a perma wedgie,
but if you like that, then you go for it.
But there's nothing sexy to me about feeling
like I have something stuck up my butt all day long.
That's not sexy to me.
I don't like it.
Okay.
In fact, I really love the seamless underwear.
The ones that you can't see at all under clothes
because they have no seams.
So comfortable.
Love that.
Okay.
So all of these different things
that have been put on women,
they haven't been put on men.
I want you to recognize that.
All of this has been put on us.
We are like the keepers of the
of the values and the morals of men.
We're supposed to be keepers of the values
and morals of men when it comes to sex.
I'm gonna just call bullshit on that.
God never intended for women to have the burden
of keeping men moral.
That's on them.
But in juxtaposition of that,
I believe modesty is a condition of the heart.
If you purposely dress or act in a way in order to seduce,
and that is the intention of your heart
in doing whatever it is that you're doing,
then that's immodest.
It's an immodest thing for women to,
it's not a feminine thing.
It's a dark feminine thing for women to dress in a way
to purposely use their body to try to capture a man
based on his lust.
If you're setting a trap for a man's lust,
then you're going to catch a lustful man.
Does that make sense?
Whatever you bait the hook with, babe,
that's what you're gonna continue to have to provide
for that man because that's what caught him.
That's what caught his eye.
That's what he was interested in,
what he was interested in you.
He was interested in your sexuality.
He was interested, he had lusted after you.
He wasn't infatuated with you.
He wasn't intrigued by you.
He was in lust for you.
We don't want that.
Now, does that mean that we have to dress from here
all the way down to here?
No.
You guys, it's already Hell's Front Porch
here in Austin, Texas.
It's like 88 degrees here, full humidity already.
I'm not going to be walking around,
I know I'm married,
but I'm still not going to be walking around
covered from head to toe.
But when I get dressed,
it doesn't even cross my mind at all.
Hey, who's going to think I'm sexy today?
In fact, I dress in a different way.
I dress in, who's going to see my cellulite today?
I don't know.
I don't want to show that.
I don't want to show my cellulite today.
I'm going to cover that.
All right?
Okay.
Who's going to see my boob stretch marks today?
I'm not sure.
I'm going to make sure that they're not showing.
I'm going to make sure that my top comes a little higher,
even though tonight, y'all,
I got a little low cut shirt on here.
Okay.
So God created us for sex.
Okay?
We've been created for sex.
That's why you have the parts that you have.
You've been created to enjoy sex.
That's why you have the nerve endings that you have,
where you have them.
The little stimulators,
that's why you have them there because that's built in.
It's a gift from God.
But like every gift from God,
if you don't use it within the right context
of which has been given to you to use,
then that gift becomes overextended
and it becomes a weakness.
It becomes something that hurts us and causes pain.
Right?
And that's why God took this beautiful gift of sex
and he hid it within covenant.
Not contracts, covenants.
Covenant, covenant.
That's why he put it there
because that's the safe place for it to be
because he knows,
and I want you to know tonight that sex is not common.
It's holy.
And we're going to teach you about holy sex tonight
because a lot of you have never had that.
You've never experienced it.
And we want to talk about it.
All right?
Sex is meant to be holy.
It's meant to be into me see.
It's meant to be the two become one.
It's supposed to be something that connects.
It doesn't disconnect.
It connects and it brings deeper and deeper
and deeper levels of connection when you use it correctly
and with the right person within covenant.
That is what it does.
But we're kind of sexually the sum total
of everything we've experienced.
And so even if we do get married to someone amazing,
we're going to be bringing all that garbage
into the sex, aren't we?
All the abuse, all the movies,
all the porn that we've seen.
Because men aren't the only ones that watch porn.
In fact, if we really want to get free tonight
and you guys really want to go there,
then I'm going to ask you in this closed session
to be honest and transparent and raise your hand
if you've seen porn.
My hand's up, by the way.
My hand is up.
I have seen not lots and lots of porn,
but I didn't meet Jesus until I was in my twenties.
So I definitely have seen porn.
The porn in the nineties was not like the porn now though,
but I definitely have seen it.
Look at all those hands.
Lots of people.
Lots of people have seen porn.
Okay.
And we're not going to ask who's been addicted to porn, but I'm sure that some of the people that have had their hands up are people that watched porn, not just once or twice but habitually.
Okay, got to put your hands down. So porn is not just a man thing.
It's a human thing.
Most people have been caught up in its snare for sure. And you guys porn is diabolical, because it takes this thing that is really really holy, and it doesn't just make it common.
Right. It makes it shameful and it makes it offensive.
Almost every scenario that happens within pornography is degrading to women.
And we have this whole generation of young people watching porn, especially young men, and they're seeing the excitement and the arousal on these women's faces in these movies, and they're thinking, this is what women like.
This is what women want. Right.
I've had lots of girls come to me, younger girls, Gen Z, and say, hey, you know, I had a sexual experience that was really degrading to me, you know, this boy did XYZ to me and immediately when they told me the story, I was like, wow, they learned that through watching porn.
That doesn't come naturally. It doesn't come organic for a boy to think, oh, I'm going to ejaculate all over this girl's face.
That's what's happening out here, y'all. And worse. Okay. And so we're going to go there. Like I said, no prude talk tonight.
A lot of you didn't have mothers or women in your life that took you aside and even told you about your period, let alone about your vagina.
Okay. Let alone about sex, because it was considered immodest to have those conversations. Do you guys know, I was born in the seventies.
Did you know that it was, it was considered immodest in the fifties? Okay. When my mom was a child to breastfeed your babies all the way into the seventies, it was considered immodest to breastfeed, even in the privacy of your own home.
You didn't breastfeed your baby. That's where formula came in. And you guys, you got to know that was the formula people that did this.
Had to have been. My mother-in-law was 26 years old when my husband was born. My husband is now 52 years old and she didn't breastfeed him because she said, nobody did that.
She said it was considered crass, immodest, low brow, poor form to breastfeed your children.
So you see all the weaponization of women and it's almost every family, somewhere in your family lines, dirty little secret of incest. Incest runs in all families, not just some families, write that down.
Incest runs in all families, not just some families. And just because it didn't happen to your generation doesn't mean it didn't happen generations before you.
And it's up to us to make sure that it doesn't happen in generations after us, right? By cutting that stuff off.
Raise your hand if you've had some sort of sexual contact with a family member, whether adult or a child, a cousin, a brother or sister, mom, dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles, someone who is related to you, whether they were your age or not.
You might've been kids, kissing cousins, all the things. Raise your hand if you've had some sort of sexual contact with someone who is in your family.
Look at all those hands y'all. That's a lot of hands. All right. Lots and lots and lots of hands. Okay. Put all those hands down.
Now I want you to raise your hand and you could, you might double raise your hand because it's still true. It was a family member, but I want you to raise your hand if you have been sexually violated, molested, abused, raped, something has happened to you sexually that was not right.
And it could have even been by someone you were married to. There's such a thing called spousal rape, y'all. That's a real thing. Date rape, all the things. All right. Look at all those hands. That's a lot of hands. Right?
And for those of you that don't have your hand up because it's not true, you're not just scared to raise your hands. You don't have it up because nothing like that has ever happened to you. Bless you. So thrilled for you that that's never happened to you. Now put your hands down.
What we're trying to do is we're trying to set a foundation of where we're coming from sexually as a group of women. Okay. Now I want you to raise your hand.
You know, once again, you could still have been someone
who was sexually violated,
but this is for all the people too
that didn't raise their hand for that.
Raise your hand if someone that you love,
a woman in your life, or even a man in your life,
they were sexually violated
and their sexual violation affected you.
Okay, it affected you.
Maybe it was your sister, maybe it was your mom,
and the way that she raised you
was always stranger danger everywhere
because she had been sexually abused
or maybe it was your dad
and he wasn't able to be emotionally available
because of that.
Just raise your hand if someone else that you love,
you know, their story of sexual abuse or violation
affected your life too.
So once again, lots and lots and lots of hands.
All right, go ahead and put your hands down.
So you guys see lots of us, most of us,
we have a bad history with the thing called sex.
We do, we have a bad history with it, you know?
And so we have to reframe it.
God wants us to reframe it
because he wants us to have vibrant, intimate lives.
He does.
He wants us to have those things.
And so it's important that we begin to unpack
the things that we believe that are lies
and replace them with truth, just like heart work.
We got to unpack the things that we believe that are lies
and we want to replace them with truth, right?
So we can start anywhere here.
I'm glad that, you know, all of you,
I want to encourage you guys to continue to open up tonight
because I feel like, I really feel in my heart,
like there's going to be some healing.
It's going to be some soul ties that get broken,
soul ties that are, you're tethering you to abusive
or memories that are going to get broken as we go forward.
So once again, sex is not common.
It is holy.
It's not casual.
You guys don't believe a lot that sex is casual.
First of all, the sheer nature of intercourse
should tell you that it's not casual.
The exchange of body fluids that happens,
there's nothing casual about sex.
Casual and sex should never be in the same sentence.
Agreed?
There are women here tonight,
we're not going to ask you to raise your hands.
You are currently having sex and we're not here to shame you,
but we are here to show you how important it is
to make sure that the person that you are sharing
your body with and not just your body, but your soul with,
because sex doesn't just affect your body.
You don't just have sex with your body.
The Bible says that when you have sex, what happens?
There's a soul tie, right?
Means it's not just your body that is experiencing
that sexual experience, your soul is too.
And so you can't just have sex with someone
without actually attaching to them.
And so that's why it's important
that you are not having sex with someone
who is not worthy of your attachment,
who's not serious about commitment to you
and covenant with you, right?
And I know that we think as women a lot of times
that we have to exchange our bodies
to receive security from men.
If we want security from a man,
if we want a man to want us and be with us,
then what we have to pay the rent with is our body.
That's not true.
It's not true.
And some of you, raise your hand
if you've ever been told by a man,
whether it was in person on a date or on a dating app
or even in relationship,
because you were trying to hold fast
to abstinence until covenant
and they told you good luck with that.
Nobody is going to wait.
No man is going to wait for that.
Look at all those hands.
Well, if that just isn't the liar,
if that's not just the enemy working through that man
trying to get you to attach to something that's unworthy
of you, look at all those hands.
That's a lame lie.
My husband waited.
We didn't have intercourse until we were married.
And we could have a lot because we're next door neighbors.
There's lots of opportunities for sex.
All right, put your hands down.
All right, so we're going to start talking about
all different things that have to do with sex.
I want to get your input now.
We're about 24 minutes in.
Renee, I want to get your input now as well
because Renee and I met earlier.
We wrote down some things we wanted to cover tonight.
We also want you guys to be able to ask questions.
So Renee, what do we got?
Do you want me to put up the terms that I grabbed for you?
Oh, sure, do that too.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
I'm going to cut and paste this long little thing.
So we're going to get some terms in here.
here that I even I did not know some of these here we go it's saying it's too long I mean
I got to do a little bit at a time okay all right so while she's doing that let's talk about
um so here's the first few we've got yep we've got so try not to comment while I'm running through
it ggg means good giving and game so you definitely don't want somebody that puts the ggg up um
and it obviously it's a term of hookups e and m ethical non-monogamy or ethical non-monogamous
that's awesome yeah and yeah there you go that polyamorous stuff that's that yeah we're getting
there and uh then we've got these two right here um obviously uh you've got the friends with
benefits ddf is a similar concept drugs and disease free oh I'm so glad they don't have any
aren't we so glad the person who wants to hook up with you doesn't have a disease
um oh my gosh this is so sad and so fun okay then we've got um sdsb relationship sugar daddy
sugar baby awesome mba married but available so we need to pay attention to that ladies um nsa
no strings attached one oh ns one night stand you can take a screenshot of this and I do like
to because people get confused by the polyamorous one in there so we've got the um we've got
benching which is situation bread crumbing and cuffing season I love this one the cuffing season
it's just a short-term relationship so that they might want all the cuddles and the snug
the snuggles just only for a short amount of time Jackie talked about um being polyamorous which is
not to be confused with seo sap uh sapiosexual which I do see actually a lot and it's just I
call it brain sex it's just like people that are intellectually stimulated which is me yeah
sexual is good y'all sapiosexuals are people that they want more than just the outside they
want conversational chemistry they want someone who ignites their it inspires them
I use that term in making I use that term in matchmaking a lot sapiosexual I do too so one
of the things um before you guys start putting all your questions in that you know I was sharing
with Jackie that was really helpful for me as I am in my level three relationship you know I would
say except for the most recent person in my past um I was not successful about not having sex before
marriage you know I was in ministry like I was really good at compartmentalizing both of those
lives and neither was Rick and so we're like yeah we're not gonna have sex but then we've like you
know then it's been like okay well how far is too far before it's sex and like I kind of joked
around that I wasn't going to build Clinton my way through this like you know I wanted to kind of
define I did not have sex with that woman you know what that meant and you know what did not work is
me getting super clinical and scriptural with him and with the help of my male therapist you know I
talked about what it meant to guard my heart and what it meant to treat me with integrity and honor
and I talked about how I said you know when if I do certain sexual activity I know it's going to
happen it's going to start to separate me from God because I will feel shame and guilt it's actually
going to separate me from you because I'll feel that and I'm actually going to start to resent
you because I'm now feeling shame and guilt with God that I didn't feel for a long time
and so that's actually going to create a disconnection versus a connection and when I
stopped quoting scripture and just talked about my heart and separating from that and separating
from God that spoke to him in a completely different way and that's been like I don't know
five weeks since we had that conversation and he's completely changed um the way he approaches
that with me and so I feel so much safer um and I know that he's guarding that so ladies don't just
try to do the scripture like oh my gosh you can't have sex because it's bad and it's sin like talk
to them about your heart and and what you're afraid of and how because if they really want
to guard your heart and they really want to hold you in integrity they might be more moved to
support you in that um and then the other thing I just wanted to say is we need to have our actions
match our words if we don't want to have sex before marriage we have to really be sure
that you know the joke you know we don't want to be giving them blue balls all the time like we
have to be careful with how much we're like making out with them sitting on top of them like you know
and then we're like
Oh, but he went after me, really.
So we have to be careful how much we're leading
into that process.
So I wanted to just jump in and say that.
I will pass it on.
No, it's all good.
And listen, Renee is in a level three relationship
with this man.
It's a marriage-minded courtship relationship.
I do not advise talking about sex with someone
that you are not at that level of relationship with.
The only thing that will escalate the sex talk
is if someone's trying to have sex with you, all right?
You're a level two, you're just getting to know them
and they're constantly trying to kiss you
or put their hands on you.
That's when you have to be like,
hey, look, I'm saving this for that.
But if they're being a gentleman
and they're not trying to do any of that stuff,
then you don't have to have that talk until level three.
And I really, or late level two,
when it's looking like it's getting serious.
Because once you start talking about sex,
especially with a guy, it's not gonna stop, okay?
Once you start talking about sex,
you open up that topic of conversation.
Men like to talk about sex
and they like to talk about sex with you.
And so there's gonna be all kinds of different things,
like little innuendos and things, which I'm not offended by.
If I really like a man, like my husband,
if I really liked him
and I felt like we had a future together,
I'm not gonna be a prude if we're kissing and doing things
and then he will say something to me,
like, hey, I miss your lips,
or I'm not gonna be a prude if he says something like,
especially if we're marriage minded,
if he says something like,
I can't wait to see the rest of you.
I'm good with that.
If we are in a safe and committed relationship
that I know is leading to marriage.
But we don't wanna go there too fast
because if you go there too fast,
wherever your mouth goes, your body is soon to follow.
Usually.
Yeah. Right?
So true.
Gabrielle, I just wanted to clarify too.
It's a goal for both Rick and I
to abstain from sex before marriage.
It's his goal and it's my goal.
I would say I'm probably more steadfast in that goal.
My suspicion.
And so I have to be okay with that.
I have to be okay with that
and I have to decide to be stronger.
I wish he was stronger in it than me, but I'm okay.
I'm weighing all the other things.
Let's define it.
Let's define it, Renee.
Cause you brought up Bill Clinton.
So it's not about semantics, you guys.
It's not about semantics.
So let's, first of all,
let's differentiate between sexual and romantic.
Okay? Let's do that.
Holding hands, romantic, not sexual.
Okay? It's romantic.
I wouldn't hold hands with someone.
I personally wouldn't hold hands with someone
unless I was in a romantic relationship with them,
like level three.
Like I'm gonna, I'm not gonna see him.
Like I wouldn't go from date to date
holding hands with all the guys that I'm talking to.
I wouldn't.
If you feel comfortable with that
and you want to try them all on and see, you know,
which one feels the best, which one's the less sweaty,
whatever you want to do, that's on you.
Okay? But kissing for sure, romantic,
doesn't have to be sexual.
Kissing can be romantic and not sexual.
What crosses the line from kissing from romantic to sexual?
Tongue, you know, hands and body parts, you know,
the juxtaposition of your bodies.
If you're laying on each other, or like Renee said,
if you're sitting on top of them and you're making out,
there's a difference between kissing and making out.
Do we all agree?
Do we agree, Renee?
Yes.
Oh, Tara agrees.
Tara's all about it.
She's like, I agree.
I agree with you.
Okay. There's a difference.
So what is the difference?
The difference is, you know, making out is,
it's not just a kiss.
It is a series of kisses or one kiss that doesn't stop
and keeps getting more and more and more intense.
Right?
Y'all know what it is.
I personally don't suggest tongue kissing with someone
before you're close to getting married,
because French kissing, tongue kissing,
whatever you're calling it,
making out where you're like, you know,
really intensely going after each other,
usually hard to stop once you start.
I mean, it usually leads to a lot of other things
in my experience.
Anybody else?
Renee, are you tongue kissing your friend?
And if you do French kiss someone, it probably shouldn't be while you're laying on the couch
with no accountability from anybody else.
So true.
All right.
So Bill Clinton, that was funny about, I don't have sex.
So what defines sex, y'all?
So we're talking about sexual versus romantic.
So kissing, holding hands, an arm around you, you know, walking arm in arm, all very romantic
things, not necessarily sexual things, right?
A back rub could be romantic and it could become sexual very, very quickly, right?
And, and you could still at level three in an engagement, you could have, you could,
you could rub each other.
Now what makes it sex for me?
And I'm, I'm willing to, you know, like change my mind, change my mind.
What makes it sex for me, Renee and all of you is when we have an orgasm, that's what
makes it sex for me.
So if we're dry humping, you know what that is when you're rubbing against each other
enough for someone to have an orgasm, right?
If we're masturbating each other, definitely sex.
If there's oral sex involved, definitely for me, sex, right?
Where we're trying to climax together in one way, shape, or form.
If we're talking on the phone and mutually masturbating, sex, why do I feel like I'm
in an episode of Parks and Rec?
Go to jail, straight to jail, jail, chicken undercooked, jail, steak over duck, jail.
You guys don't know what I'm talking about, but it's very funny.
Okay.
So give some other instances of, you know, not sex versus, yeah, I think that's sex.
Anything else?
And we're not trying to split hairs y'all, we're just trying to give you an idea of what
is, what's sex.
Well and let's just face it, like the more clothes that come off, the more it's sex,
right?
Like if you're naked and he's naked and you're all just doing that and you somehow managed
to not have an O, like I don't think God's going, Oh, look at my children.
They're totally doing exactly what I asked.
Like we're, it's a, you know, it's a, we're just splitting hairs at that point.
So like, that's just my running joke too.
Clothes stay on.
And you guys, here's the thing.
God is not like, he's not, you know, sitting there like at the Olympics, giving you like
a score.
Sex, no sex, you know?
He's not trying to keep sex from you.
He made it, he created it.
He just knows the effect it will have on you spiritually, mentally, emotionally, you know,
physically, if you're having it with someone who's not in it to win it with you.
Someone who's basically using you for that experience and nothing else that's going to
break your heart.
Okay.
That's going to taint you for future experiences.
That's going to make you not trust people.
It's going to do all kinds of stuff to you.
And so that's why it's important for us to have these conversations.
Okay.
Let's talk about when we are married.
Let's talk about sex and how it's going to connect.
We can talk about still, you know, sex before marriage, or do we want to talk about masturbation
now?
And then Renee said something very important.
She said, she told her guy, you know, if I do this, it's going to feel good in the moment,
but it is going to cause shame afterwards.
And I don't want that.
And if that happens, then I'm going to, I'm going to pull away from you.
I'm going to pull away from God because that's what shame does.
It makes us pull away from God.
And I'm going to pull away from you too, because I'm going to see you as part of, you know,
this process that has caused me to feel this kind of pain.
And ladies, I want to tell you that you might be seducing him because you think if you exchange
your sexuality, then he's going to give you the ring.
He's going to fall in love with you.
He's going to want to be with you forever.
And so you're willing to do that.
If he lets you do it, you're not going to respect him.
It's going to breed distrust.
And even if you do marry that man, you're going to have a disconnect in your sex life
until this is made right.
And it's much harder than you think.
So don't try to get something.
And then when you get it, you know, um, realize later, like, don't try to get something because
when you get that thing, you're going to realize later that that is not what you wanted.
So do not tempt him because he is a man like Renee said, and if you give him, you know,
if you give him the rope, he could hang himself with it.
I'm not saying that you need to be the only person setting the boundaries, but I think
a lot of times women try to seduce men to get the security that they're looking for.
And you don't want that type of security.
You want a man with you that, you know, has integrity and cannot be a threat to you.
be seduced away from his morals. So don't try to do it. Okay. So you can't live against your
conscience and that's going to lead into masturbation right now. This is what I want
to say from the very get go about masturbation. If you think it's wrong, it's wrong for you.
If you think it's sin, it's sin for you. And the reason why I'm saying that is because
you cannot live against your conscience. If you've been raised to believe a certain thing
about something and no matter what evidence comes to the contrary, you still just believe
that that is something that is inappropriate and God doesn't like it and he's displeased from it.
If you do it, it's going to cause you shame. And you don't want to be in that shame cycle.
I personally do not believe that masturbation is a sin. I don't. There's no evidence that
it's a sin in the word of God. It is not a sin. And I'm not trying to say that just because I
want to go masturbate. Um, I'm saying it because I believe it's true. Now the Bible does say to
flee from lustful thoughts. Okay. It does say to do that. It also says to flee from fornication.
What's fornication. Fornication is sex outside of covenant. That's what that is. It also says
obviously that homosexuality is something that is unworthy of you and considered sin. And I,
if you don't like that, the Bible, okay. I know that those are fighting words nowadays.
Okay. And I do believe a lot of people are born into sexual brokenness and that's all they know
all their life. And so they do feel like they were born that way because they were born.
We've all been born under the curse y'all. And it all looks different on all of us. Amen.
We've all, I feel like I came out of my mother's womb, a liar.
Cause that was a self that was survival instinct from the time I was just a little tiny baby. I was
lying. Was I born that way? Yeah, I was born into the curse and that's what the curse looked like on
me. That was the survival instinct that I had in the crazy jungle that I was born into. And so yes,
people do come out of the womb under the curse. Remember the new birth experience happens later.
And so it's important that we understand that. And so all of us have brokenness that we need
to work through and all of us are going to work through that differently. That's why we shouldn't
judge other people's sin. We should understand that God has a plan for them and that they're
going to have to work out their own salvation. Okay. It's important to understand. Back to
masturbation. Okay. When you're in certain areas of your life, your hormones are raging.
They're raging. And if you don't have an outlet for that, it could be very tempting
to give yourself an outlet just for the release of it. Now, some people are addicted to the
feelings of the dopamine hits and the serotonin and all the things that an orgasm brings to the
table. And so they get addicted to that just like they get addicted to eating ding-dongs
or smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol or, you know, shooting up. It's a drug, which is why
they call pornography the new drug. The problem is, is pornography doesn't just mess up your body.
It messes up your mind. Okay. So that being said, I don't think the act of masturbating,
so stimulating yourself until you have an orgasm, I don't believe that that's a sin.
I do believe that the fantasy life that a lot of people attach to masturbation
is, is the part where we go off the rails, right? It's the part where we go off the rails.
So a lot of people are, you know, when they're masturbating, they're, they're fantasizing about
a lot of things that are detrimental to their emotional and mental health. They might be
fantasizing about something they saw in a porn, a pornographic movie, or in a, just a regular movie,
which friends pre pre-pornographic nowadays, for those of you that are, you know, I'm not
trying to be Holy Spirit in your life, but if you're watching things like Game of Thrones and
Bridgerton, you're watching porn. I can't tell you how many people have suggested to me, Oh,
watch this series on Netflix or watch that series on Netflix. And then I turned it on
and I got one episode in where the brother and sister are full blown going at it, having sex.
I'm like, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. What, what, who, who told us to watch this? And then I find,
I remember who it was. And I'm like, they're the pastor of a church. Why am I watching this?
And then of course I didn't watch it anymore, but that stuff is soft porn. It's porn.
It is kind of maybe intermediate porn, the episode that I saw of Game of Thrones.
And I've heard, cause I haven't watched it. Bridgerton is just the exact same thing.
And so is some of this other stuff, handmaidens tale, whatever you guys do not watch that stuff
that is going to fuel your future sex life. When you get those images in your head,
you cannot get them out. You can't.
I'm telling you right now, you can't get them out.
When I go someplace and I have to sleep somewhere,
I always look under the bed.
Why? Why do I look under the bed?
Because I just know there's a serial killer hiding under there
because I saw Friday the 13th when I was 8 years old.
That was 42 years ago.
And I still look under the bed, Renee,
to see what's going on down there.
Why? Because that made an impression on me
that is now seared into my mind.
And all this other stuff is doing the same thing to you.
So if you're one of those girlies that can get in the shower
and take the shower head
and put that hard stream of water on your clitoris
and have an orgasm without one kind of thought coming in your mind,
you go, girl.
I don't think that's a sin.
I don't.
I know that was very detailed.
That was a very detailed example.
But once again,
but if you're the kind of person that takes forever to have an orgasm,
you're masturbating, you're thinking about every boy that you ever liked,
and you're thinking about the mommy porn that you read all the time
or Fifty Shades of Grey or whatever it is,
and you're thinking about all of these other things,
it's probably going to cause you shame to be involved in that.
But then what do we do, Renee?
Because we don't want to be the crypt keeper down there.
And a lot of us are getting to the age
where it's like turning into the desert down there.
It's getting dry down there.
It's not being used down there.
Raise your hand if you've been afraid of,
hey, I'm going to meet my guy,
but then maybe I'm going to have vaginal atrophy,
like I haven't used my vagina ever or in a long time,
and it's not going to work.
It's a real topic, y'all.
I just had my OB appointment.
I'm 55 years old,
and he had put an IUD in me to help me ride through menopause,
which I did.
I had really no menopause symptoms.
And just him taking the IUD out,
which an IUD is pretty stinking small,
he saw how much pain I felt.
He's like, okay, so we need to talk, Renee,
like if you're going to get married and want to have sex,
like the wall's getting thin,
and you've not used it in a long time,
so I need to put you on something now to start to strengthen the wall
and get it ready so that it's going to take about six months
so that if you get to the stage of wanting to have sex,
like it's going to take a little bit of work,
and he's going to need to be patient with you.
Like it's not going to be easy.
You guys, I have a small cervix.
I've never had kids,
so it's just really tight as a drum down there lately.
And so I have worried about that.
And so definitely if you're older,
you need to consider getting into the OB and having that conversation
and starting to get your body prepared now
so that you don't wait until the last minute.
You guys, it's not an if, okay?
I'm only 49 years old, and I'm telling you,
my orgasms are so much less intense than they used to be
because I have pelvic floor dysfunction, okay?
So some of the signs of that are when you have to pee,
it doesn't always stay all the way in.
You're maybe leaking a little bit.
If you do masturbate and you're having really weak orgasms,
that's also a sign of that.
There's all different types of things.
That kind of apron of muscles that hold all those pelvic organs in place,
including your bladder, starts to get lax from lack of hormones,
and things start to get out of place.
You can have tailbone pain.
That's another sign of that.
So just go get checked out.
I would like to tell you to go to a holistic or natural path, OBGYN.
If you do hormone replacement, please do bioidentical hormone replacement.
It's completely safe.
It is.
They've proven it, that it is.
And so you're going to want to do something like that for sure.
There's this little thing that you can put inside of yourself
that actually, like electrical pulses,
that strengthens your vaginal wall.
I don't know if you know about this,
but you actually stick it in there and you leave it in there.
And then it's connected to like a little remote control that you have,
and you can give yourself like little electrical pulses,
and it strengthens your muscles down there.
It's kind of like Kegels.
But you guys have seen where people get abs from going and getting on the
ab, and it's like they put like the little electrodes on you,
and it does all kinds of crunches for you.
It's like the lazy person's, you know, ab workout.
Well, it's like that, but it's for your vagina.
So there's all different types of things you can do. Right.
And of course, definitely get lube.
No shame in your game to have lubricants.
And the water-based lubes are the best. KY makes some great ones.
The heated up ones.
I don't know about that because.
you know, the last thing you want is your vagina on fire,
but if that's how you roll and that's going to feel good,
and you're going to try all of those things out
because I want you to graduate from this course
when you get into this romantic, you know,
covenant marriage that you are not approved
and not afraid of sex and want to enjoy it
and want to try what you need to try in order to enjoy it.
So let's talk about oral sex, Renee.
Let's talk about oral sex within relationships.
A lot of people think that's wrong.
They think oral sex is wrong.
The only thing that's allowed is penis and vagina,
missionary position, lights off, covers up, done.
Okay.
But here's the thing.
If both people want to have oral sex
and it's comfortable and it's enjoyable, okay,
then I think there's a green light on that, okay?
If both people like it, it's a green light.
The only thing this doesn't apply to is anal sex.
Why is that?
Because the Bible specifically says not to have anal sex.
Y'all, I don't know how we get past this.
I don't know how people go to like,
the marriage bed is undefiled, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
The Bible says not to sodomize anyone, including your wife.
Why is that?
Because that's an exit only door.
And the reason why it's exit only
is because the stuff that comes out of there is waste
and it's toxic.
The tissue, the delicate tissue that's there,
all the things that are there, okay,
that is not meant to be traumatized by penetration.
And if you don't believe me,
talk to a proctologist that deals with homosexual men.
Those poor men's bowels are hanging out of their bodies.
Those poor men have all kinds,
do you know that they have all kinds of blood disorders
that are not seen in the general population
of any country ever?
Those diseases are toxic based diseases
caused specifically by sodomy.
And the reason why I have to say this tonight
is because of porn culture.
There are gonna be people that think that anal sex is normal
there are going to be men that seem normal
and even maybe love God,
then once you get married to them
are going to wanna try that
because they saw that in the movie somewhere.
No, it's no.
And I really wanna encourage you
when you're in a serious relationship
that's headed towards marriage
and the sex talk is on the table
because you're talking about sex,
you let them know that you're not gonna be having anal sex
ever.
You're not.
Because I'm gonna tell you one thing,
it may feel good in the moment
and you're like, oh, how could it?
Because it can, there's a lot of nerve endings there
and it could, depending on how large the man's penis is
and all the different things,
but it will cause you horrible shame afterwards.
It's going to cause shame.
And the reason why is because you're using your body
in a way that it's not meant to be used.
All right.
I wanted to make sure,
and David is doing the sex talk with the guys
and he's having the same talk, okay?
He's having the same talk over there.
So we want sex that makes us feel connected,
not disconnected.
Do we have any virgins here?
Anyone who has never had intercourse,
please raise your hand.
Well, my God, it's a lot of peepers.
Well, okay.
All right.
And they stayed on the call so far.
Really proud of you guys, that was awesome.
All right.
The thing that I want to say to you,
I have a daughter that's getting married in August
and she's 23 and she's a virgin
and her fiance is also a virgin.
And I talked to him last night,
they were in Simbis and Bethany and Brian were teaching that
but then they're on vacation and so I did the last Q&A.
I specifically didn't teach this round of Simbis
because my daughter and her fiance were in there
and I didn't want it to be weird for them.
But because I did the Q&A
and sex did come up during the Q&A,
when I was done with Simbis,
my future son-in-law said to me in person,
because he lives on our property,
he said to me, he said,
hey, can I ask you a few questions?
And I said, sure.
Because once again, no shame in my game,
I'm not awkward about sex at all.
And he said, hey, I'm worried about this
and I'm worried about that.
Both of us never had sex before.
And I told him this, and I'm going to tell all of you
that have never had sex or intercourse before.
You are going to have to learn how to flow with each other.
It's not ever going to be a situation
where on your wedding night, like the movies,
it's just hot and heavy and so exciting.
Oh, mind-blowing sex.
That's not what sex is like.
Even those of us that have had sex before,
when you have a new partner and you are married
and you have that new partner,
it's not going to be like that.
You have to learn how to be with each other intimately.
And that's a beautiful thing
that you get to learn about each other.
And so the most important thing is communication.
Communicate.
What feels good?
What doesn't feel good?
Like personally, guys, this is, once again,
this is very TMI information.
I don't enjoy oral sex.
I don't want my husband to perform oral sex on me.
And the reason why is because I was sexually abused
from the time I was two years old.
And that is what my grandfather used to do to me.
He used to perform oral sex on me as a child.
And so to me, even though I forgive, he's in heaven,
I forgive all the things, to me, it's not a turn on.
I don't enjoy that at all.
There's nothing about that that I want.
Some women are like, woo, go downtown.
I'm all about it.
So excited.
It's part of regular foreplay in their marriages, right?
I was at a marriage conference once
where the woman that was speaking said that,
you know, that oral sex was wrong.
And I promise you, a woman jumped up from her table.
She said, the hell it is.
This is a Christian marriage conference.
I'll never forget it.
She was from New York, this woman that jumped up.
And she's like, she's like, I forget what she said,
but it was really hilarious.
And I was like, oh my gosh.
So there are women that will,
they fight for their rights to have that,
to have that be part of their sexual lives
with their husbands.
And it's not sin, it's not wrong,
but I personally don't prefer that, okay?
And so that's the kind of conversations
that you have to be willing to have
as you're getting to know each other intimately.
Hey, I don't like that.
I like this.
This makes me feel good or safe,
or this really turns me on.
I feel really aroused by this, you know, kind of thing.
Now, when it comes to like role-playing
and pretending to be other people,
you guys, that's very, that's very porn culture.
It's just porn culture.
Remember all the movies,
for those of you that have seen porn,
all those people are like pizza delivery guy
or the maid cleaning the room.
And then the guy walks in, you know,
and just, am I saying that it's sin or wrong
to role-play with your spouse?
I'm not saying that, but I am telling you
that if you're pretending to be other people
in order to get aroused in specific scenarios,
in order to get aroused,
it probably isn't creating connection
between the two of you.
It's probably not gonna create connection.
What it's gonna do is it's gonna create a crutch
on which I can't get excited
unless you pretend
that you're somehow taking advantage of me.
How is that exciting?
These are the things we have to ask ourselves, right?
I had a girlfriend who was not turned on
by her husband sexually
unless he pretended that he was forcing her.
Yuck.
That isn't, that's not gonna make you feel good afterwards.
Look, I don't care how good it feels
until you climax,
and then I care about how you feel after the climax.
After you have the orgasm,
do you feel shame or do you feel satiated?
Do you feel connected or do you feel disconnected?
Do you feel loved or do you feel violated?
That's what's important.
I love it that you're all so quiet.
I know I talk a lot, but your faces are like very somber.
Okay, so virgins, it's great,
but you have to give it time to become great.
And that goes for all of you that haven't had sex
in a really, really, really long time
because you might as well be virgins.
And some of y'all wish you were.
You're like, ugh, I had some sex, Jackie,
but ugh, I wish I didn't.
All right, for all of you that have had sex,
I want you to raise your hand.
You were married or you just had sex, whatever,
and I'm not talking.
not just once, but you had a sex life,
whether it was before Jesus or you were married to someone
or you had a living boyfriend or whatever.
I want you to raise your hand
if you've never had an orgasm.
Or rarely, or rarely had one.
Had trouble with that, had trouble with,
you know, sex just really wasn't fun for you.
Okay.
And so this is all for all of you
that have had sex that was unfulfilling.
And of course, emotionally and mentally,
it might've been unfulfilling
and that's why your body wasn't responding.
You don't really wanna have sex with people
that don't treat us right, right?
So that could be one thing.
But all of you that have never had sex,
all the people that said they were virgins in here,
I wanna let you know that you might not climax
or have an orgasm simply by intercourse.
The way that the female genitalia is situated,
a lot of women do not have a penetration orgasm,
meaning that hands off,
all you're doing is having intercourse,
penis and vagina, and you have an orgasm.
The majority of women do not orgasm that way, okay?
That means that foreplay is really essential,
whether that includes oral sex
or whether that includes masturbation.
And that's why it's important
as you're learning each other's bodies,
as you're in relationship,
that you're not afraid to touch yourself
when you're with him and see what things feel like
and what you like and what you don't like.
You might have to manually stimulate yourself
with your own fingers while you're having intercourse
in order to orgasm.
And then you can control your arousal
because you're the one that is controlling it
with that manual stimulation.
There's nothing wrong with that.
In fact, most women do some version of that
during intercourse because they simply are not going to,
you know, have that release simply from intercourse.
Am I, are you guys following me?
And for those of you that are older,
hormones are gonna play such a big role in this, all right?
Your testosterone is part of what causes you
to get sexually aroused and, or have an orgasm.
And so if it's low, and of course, estrogen and progesterone
play a role in that too, but your T is important as well.
We don't think of women as that being an important hormone
in our libido, but it is.
Now, for those of you ladies that are still
in your baby making years, you know,
when you're ovulating, you wanna have sex.
All those hormones are getting high
and that's when you're, you know, mostly, you know,
wanting to, what's it called, fertilize those eggs, right?
Yes?
We've got some good questions coming up in the chat.
One of them is, I appreciate how open this conversation is.
Any thoughts, views on exploring
the Kama Sutra in marriage?
I mean, the Kama Sutra is just about positions
as far as I know.
And so, you know, and this, once again,
as you're exploring what feels good to each other,
you know, there's more than the missionary position.
For those of you that don't wanna know what that is,
that's the man on top and you on your back,
and that's the least position
that you're gonna have an orgasm in, okay?
I really suggest changing into a lot of positions
in one session of sex.
You know, you could be on your back,
you could be on your side, you could be on your stomach,
you can be all different places.
What feels good to both of you?
Try it out.
Try it out and see.
You know, you don't have to start in one position
and stay in one position.
And it's important that you're communicating.
But as far as Kama Sutra is, you know,
I don't know a lot about it.
I've seen the book, I've heard people talk about it.
I think that it's about different positions
for different sexual fulfillment.
So if it's just about positions,
then I don't see anything wrong with it.
Obviously, I already talked about the anal thing.
What else we got, Renee?
Somebody mentioned-
Renee, what do you think about it?
What do I think about it?
I don't know anything.
I mean, only what I've seen on TV about it.
So, I mean, I think anything that's gonna open up dialogue
for you to be safe and kind, but asking for what you need.
And obviously, whether or not you have a sexual past,
if you are with somebody who has a sexual past,
he may be trying to do things
that the previous person said felt great.
So you're going to have to redirect.
You're going to be like, eh, you know,
I don't really like that speed.
I don't really like it behind my ear.
Like, I don't really like that.
No.
And so it's funny because when I used to talk to adults,
I mean, teens at the pregnancy center,
they would come in pregnant,
but then I would have these blunt conversations.
I'm like, look at you guys.
Like, you can't even have the hard conversation,
but you've already had sex.
Like, sex is an adult decision with adult consequences.
And it takes two adults to have, to like go,
no softer, no harder.
Stop blowing up the chat with Kama Sutra stuff.
If it's some Hindu thing, then of course don't do it.
But I'm sure you can find some Christian book version
of it somewhere.
I'm sure someone wrote a book about positions in sex.
That's a Christian.
And so, you know, if the Kama Sutra thing is Hindu,
then of course you don't want to get involved with that.
So Renee, that's so good that, you know, people,
look, we shouldn't be having sex
if we're too embarrassed to talk about it.
Mm-hmm.
Right, if we're not mature enough to talk about sex,
then why are we having sex?
Okay, so what else do we have?
How do you have a healthy sexual relationship
after having an abusive one?
You gotta, you have to get healing, all right?
And that healing isn't just going to be
with just you and God,
that healing is going to be
within a safe sexual relationship.
Remember, hurt and family, healed and family,
hurt and relationship, healed and relationship.
Hurt in sex, healed in sex.
Yeah.
And that means you're going to have to communicate
to the person, like I communicate to my husband,
hey, I don't like oral sex because my grandfather abused me.
And when you do that to me, that's what it reminds me of.
And it doesn't make me feel good.
That causes a disconnect for me.
And so he was cool with that.
Even though he really enjoyed that,
and his former wife, she was married for years,
that was something that she really enjoyed
and he really enjoyed.
You guys, men, good men want to serve you in bed.
Good men are not going to all be about that.
They're going to be really aroused by your arousal.
So they're going to want, ooh, let's be light.
They're going to want to do things that you like
and that you want, okay?
And the more excited and aroused you are,
the more excited and aroused they're going to be.
Men that are generous lovers,
which you want to marry someone like that, right?
Okay, so don't be afraid to communicate
what bothers you or what triggers you.
And then of course, if it's just sex in general
that triggers you, then pray beforehand, pray together.
Of course, you're going to need therapy and counseling.
You need to do things on your own.
You do hard work, but when you're in the moment
with your husband, pray together before you have sex.
Ask God to bring peace in those areas,
shalom in those areas.
Ask him to help you to enjoy the touch of your spouse.
And there's all different types of things you can do.
And once again, it is a process.
And tipping on that point, you guys,
because we've been so trained to think that sex is dirty,
the fact, I used to say that when I talked to the kids,
God is not surprised by the orgasm.
So if you think he's turning a blind eye
when you're having sex, like, oh my gosh,
God doesn't want to see me.
No, if you're having happy, healthy, holy sex,
God is a part of it.
So if some of you just like swallowed a little vomit
when Jackie said to pray to God right before you have sex
because you're not used to those two co-mingling,
that's the whole point.
Like God created sex and it is a good and holy thing.
So even getting that around your brain
makes you realize that we've been thinking about sex
so differently than the way he intended it.
It's because of the curse.
And because so much of what we've learned
about sex is cursed.
It is not the way that God intended it.
Some of the best sex that David and I have ever had
is when we're connected,
we're looking in each other's eyes,
we're not disconnected, what I call porn sex,
where it's like just from behind
and it's all about just getting off and all the things.
There is an animalistic part of sex,
especially when you're super aroused,
your hormones are racing, all the different things.
But when you're really connected
and you're spending that time together before penetration,
you're loving on each other,
you're telling each other how much you love
and care about each other, you're making a connection,
you're looking in each other's eyes, that's very exciting.
I know it seems like it wouldn't be exciting
based on all the other really base carnal stuff
you can do sexually, but it is.
It is really exciting
and it's some of the most connected feeling
that you'll have with your spouse.
What else we got?
Somebody brought up...
This is the one thing we do want to caution on masturbation, because obviously anything
can turn into an addiction.
And if masturbation just becomes self-glorification, obviously sexual union is about not just you
getting self-pleasure, but giving to the other person.
And so somebody mentioned on there, what if you could only have an orgasm with a dildo
because of the power, and like, oh, my hand can't go fast enough, and that would be my
only concern.
If you're only going to be able to get stimulated by the speed of a machine, then a guy's going
to have a hard...
Even a guy's going to have a hard time keeping up with that.
And so you really want to make sure that you're not becoming dependent on outside tools for
that.
So that's where it could eventually ruin your sexual encounter with your spouse if he can't
compete with the rabbit.
Vibrators and things like that, that is not what real human sex feels like.
It isn't.
So yeah, it's important that you understand that because if you don't, then you will probably
be disappointed.
And also, I know people say that size doesn't matter, but I will say that...
Hold on.
Can you guys hear me?
Okay.
I know people say that size doesn't matter, but if you are masturbating with what Renee
said, a dildo, and who knows how big or not big that is, that's not a good idea.
As someone who's been divorced and remarried, men's penis sizes are very different, and
if you're really gotten used to a certain type of thing with that, that could be bad.
And I've never really been...
Here's the thing.
It's important for me because I'm anti-religion.
I want us to have kingdom thoughts about sex.
It's important for me to say that masturbation in and of itself is not a sin.
That being said, I'm not team masturbation.
I'm not team masturbation at all, and the reason why is because of what Renee just said.
A lot of times what happens is when we're always pleasuring ourselves is that it becomes
a culture in our heart of self-pleasure, and there are going to be times when you have
sex when you don't feel like it because your spouse wants to have sex.
It's not going to be about you.
There'd be lots of times actually as a woman that your husband wants to have sex and you
don't want to have sex, but you're going to have sex with him because he really wants
that intimacy.
He's craving that intimacy with you.
Also, you're not always going to have an orgasm when you're having sex, and so if it's all
about you and getting off and your orgasm and all the things, if that's what sex gets
kind of correlated to in your mind, then that is going to, like Renee said, that's going
to cause you to, instead of it being about unity and oneness, it's going to be about
you.
So don't train yourself.
Don't train yourself.
I have another question for you.
How do you manage having a good sexual relationship and being like open and free if there's kids
involved?
And obviously you had children, so you might be able to speak well into that.
Yeah.
I had young children.
Sorry, you guys.
All these lights keep going off, so I'm in the dark now.
Our kids were six, nine, and 11 when we got married, and the good thing is is that we
had shared parenting, so there were at least two days a week that they weren't there.
Some days, three days, and some days, two days, and so there was definitely a sexual
marathon going on during the days when they weren't there.
There's also this little thing called afternoon delight, and so if he works close enough,
he can come home on his lunch break.
I don't want you to think that when you first get married, you're not going to be having
lots of sex because a lot of you will be, especially of those of you that are millennials
and all younger.
Your sex drives are going to be high, and let's talk about matching sex drives in just
a second, so put a pin in that, Renee, and let's talk about that, but you don't have
to have sex at nighttime.
There's no rule that says that sex has to happen in the dark at nighttime under the
covers.
You can have sex during the day.
You can have a little staycation.
You can get away.
There's all different ways that you can have sex during our Simbis, and a lot of you don't
know what Simbis is.
Save your marriage before it starts.
We have that premarital class for people who are seriously dating and or engaged, and we
cover sex extensively, but we also cover frequency of sex.
Both people say in their Simbis assessment, how much sex do they think they're going to
have when they get married?
going to be once a day?
Is it going to be twice a day?
Is it going to be once a week?
Is it going to be two times a week?
And so usually, those people are on the same page.
Remember, they're taking their assessments separately,
so they don't know what each other are saying.
But I've rarely seen where the people are not
really close in their desire for frequency.
And so you're going to have to decide that
within your marriage, especially if you're older.
I'm just going to tell you, when you're in your 50s,
and my husband's in his 50s, I'm almost 50,
we don't have sex a lot.
We have a lot of other intimate moments where we're together,
where we're connecting.
But as far as intercourse is concerned,
I'd say maybe once a week.
And that might even be, once again, I'm in menopause.
I'm going through that.
I'm trying to figure that out right now.
But those of you that are that age that are just
getting married, newlyweds usually
have a higher frequency of sex, because you've
been waiting for this, right?
And so you're going to want to talk about that
as you get further in relationship
about what is that person's sexual expectations,
because that's important.
By the way, ladies, if you're dating some guy
and he wants to tell you how big his penis is,
because women in the past that he's been in a relationship
with thought that it was too big and that it hurt them,
get the hell out of here.
Seriously.
That's a bless him and block him type of situation.
I'm not kidding.
If a guy wants to tell you about his penis
when you just started dating him because he
wants to make sure that you're up for it,
that's a get out of here.
That's happened to at least three women in this group.
So I want to make sure that we talk about that real quick.
That is just code for, I want to show you
my penis, all right?
That's just code for, let's have sex.
And that's a no.
All right, do we have anything?
Yeah, well, we have a couple of more good questions.
Some of the women who've not had sex
and are waiting to get married, and so if we're not doing this,
how can they be sure men are going
to be kind and generous in the bed
if we've not practiced that with them ahead of time,
so to speak?
Well, is he kind and generous just in general?
However a man is in life, you guys,
sex doesn't start in the bedroom.
It starts in the kitchen.
It starts in the living room.
It starts out to dinner.
It starts everywhere.
Sex doesn't start in the bedroom.
I tell my husband this all the time.
Sometimes it's a long day, and then we go to bed,
and he's like, let's get it on.
And I'm like, yeah, sure.
But that foreplay needs to start not in here of kindness
and consideration and all.
There's no wham, bam, thank you, ma'am in our family.
So if a man is kind and considerate of your feelings,
if he likes to serve you and help you,
then chances are, unless he's got a porn problem,
chances are in the bedroom that is
going to cross over.
He's going to be gentle and kind and serving towards you.
It's very important that you know the man's relationship
with porn, whether he's ever seen it,
whether he was addicted to it, what's happening.
It's very important that you know those things
before you get into a marriage with that person.
You got to know that before you get into a marriage
with that person, because if that guy has not
done enough healing and therapy from seeing that type of stuff,
that definitely could bleed over into the bedroom, for sure.
It's not a deal breaker.
I want to make sure that I tell you that.
Most everyone has seen porn, so it's not a deal breaker.
But if you're dealing with someone
who had a porn addiction in the past, they're free from it.
They're in accountability.
They don't do that anymore.
That's great.
But it has affected them sexually.
And so want to know what kind of work
they've done around that so that when you are in bed together,
there's no missed expectations, and there's
nothing that happens that makes you feel uncomfortable or,
God forbid, used and degraded.
OK, go ahead.
All right, the next question, and you guys, I mean,
I'll be curious to hear how Jackie answers this.
Can you date men who would have had sex,
but because they are adoring you, they're like, OK, well,
I'll try the no sex thing because I really care about you.
Do you think that's a good idea or not?
Well, I mean, it depends on if they're Christians or not.
Because I'm going to tell you, there's
a lot of Christians out here that are having sex, OK?
And it's one of those things where back in the day,
all Christians thought that drinking was a sin.
They thought that sex before marriage was a sin.
They thought that blah, blah, blah.
You go down the list.
All Christians were pregnant.
pretty much on the same page about that.
Now we have different camps of Christianity, right?
We have different camps of Christianity
where people are like,
well, as long as we're in a committed relationship
and we're really serious and we're headed towards marriage,
then we can have sex.
There's all kinds of hairs that are being split
in different ways with different things
that used to be absolute.
And so this person may not have been taught.
I'm gonna tell you guys, I visit a lot of churches
because I speak at churches
and I have conferences at churches.
And very few churches are actually teaching Bible studies
from the pulpit.
So you might be dealing with a guy
who's just never really been taught
the impact of sex,
never really been taught about it.
Okay, I was discipled by a very Bible teaching church
in my 20s and so I know a lot of the word of God.
Not all Christians really know what the word of God says
about different things.
And so my answer for this is that,
if this man shows a Christ following lifestyle,
but this is an area where it's kind of a gray area for him,
but he is willing to respect your boundaries,
I don't think that it's a deal breaker.
I think that it's important for you to see
what other things maybe you don't align on
as far as what you believe is black and white
and maybe what he thinks is gray.
So that's gonna be important thing for you to check out.
Someone asked, when is it the best time to find out
if he has a history with porn?
I wouldn't try to find that out until you think
that you actually might start dating this guy,
like dating him.
Now, if it comes up before then,
then the conversation is there.
No, it doesn't necessarily mean level three.
It means that you're going to date him.
You're gonna date him, date him.
Some people, it starts out romantic from the very beginning.
I know that we have all these like levels
and all the things, but let's just get honest.
Some of you guys, you're gonna get into a situation
that's gonna start romantic pretty quickly.
There's gonna be chemistry, there's gonna be kissing.
When that happens and you start actually seeing
this person regularly because you're already
romantically attracted to them,
that's when you're going to want to find out
what their relationship with porn is.
And that's what I ask guys
when I do discovery calls with them.
I just simply say, hey, tell me what your relationship
with porn is.
I don't ask them if they've ever seen it.
I don't ask them if they're currently looking at it.
I wanna know what their relationship with it is.
And usually that comes across a lot less
antagonistic.
And then they tell me, yo, I don't watch it at all.
Or I used to watch it in the past,
but I'm not watching it anymore.
Okay, if you're not watching it anymore,
how are you holding yourself accountable to that?
I used to have an addiction to it,
but I haven't looked at it in years,
but I used to be addicted to it.
So usually they're pretty forthcoming, just so you know.
Okay, a lot of you are mentioning that you have OBs
that are like, oh, you're old, it's gonna hurt.
You've had too much trauma.
Do not keep seeing an OB that's gonna let you think
that you're destined to painful bad sex
the rest of your life because of whatever trauma you've had
and or how old you are or whatever.
Find an OB.
We have a Facebook group in my county.
It's called Women of Williamson County.
Y'all, like these women, ask the most blunt questions.
And so it's like literally like,
hey, who has an OB that will help with this?
So if you are not in a Facebook group that does that,
start looking for that.
There's so many out there in your area.
Definitely find an OB.
As Jackie was talking about,
sometimes it's gonna have to be women
who are understanding women's bodies,
but that are specifically geared towards helping women
over the age of 45 and or with past.
Like you should not accept an OB that just says
that's just the way it's gonna be.
Do your research, find other options.
And so we all live in different states.
And so there's ways to find that out,
but literally all you have to do is start asking girlfriends.
You can even ask at a church event.
I promise you, women will be happy to start talking
very quickly about an OB they love.
Yeah.
Yeah, and you guys,
don't go on chemical birth control.
Hormonal chemical birth control, not for PCOS,
not to regulate your periods, not for acne.
Don't go on chemical birth control, all right?
It's not good for you.
It's not.
There's other ways.
Guys, times have moved ahead.
They've moved forward.
And so if you don't have a doctor
who's still doing things from the olden days,
because there's new information available.
All right.
And then the other question I see coming up, you guys,
a lot is like, yeah, it's hard.
Like, I used to say this to the young people all the time.
How do you guys not have sex?
Well, you know, if you're extra randy
or horny in a given night,
then maybe that's the night that you not hang out alone
in the apartment together or the home together.
Like, don't be stupid.
Like, do a lot of outdoor dates, do a lot of group dates.
But obviously you have to be an adult.
Like, you have to be able to sit on a couch next to them
and hang out with them.
Like, you can't ward off all private contact.
Like, if we can't control our bodies.
And one of the best things I heard from an instructor once
is abstinence single is the same muscle
for fidelity married.
And it's like, you still have to exercise self-restraint.
And so to think that if you suddenly get married
and you're never gonna be attracted
to anybody of the opposite sex that you see long enough,
you're upset with your husband or something like,
it's still self-control.
It's still self-control.
Fidelity, abstinence, it's still self-control.
So we have to learn how to exercise that muscle.
It's so true.
I mean, David and I were next door neighbors.
So much opportunity.
I mean, we, you know,
I even spent the night over his house all the time
and we still didn't have sex.
And here's the thing.
The thing is, is that if you don't want to have intercourse
with someone before you're married to them, then you won't.
If you've made that commitment and that decision,
then you've made that commitment and that decision.
It depends on how important it is to you.
I mean, we've had plenty of brides.
I'm just gonna be honest.
We've had plenty of brides and no judgment,
no shade in this community that have had success
and they're married now,
but they did not wait to the wedding night
to have intercourse.
They had sex before they got married.
You know, usually after the,
sometime after the engagement before the wedding.
They're married.
They made a decision.
We've already made a commitment to each other.
We're engaged.
Guys, covenants don't happen in courthouses and in churches.
Okay, covenants happen when you and that person before God
make a decision that you're gonna be together.
All right?
So, you know, I think that it's really great
to have witnesses to your marriage
so everyone knows that you're married,
but there are people who have those kind of
spiritual ceremonies just with them and their spouse and God
and you know what, I'm not going to judge any of it,
but I am gonna say this.
You will trust him more if he waits until you are his wife.
That I do know.
If he's willing to and he does.
It's one thing for someone to say I'm willing to wait
and it's another thing for someone to have behavior
that backs up that statement, right?
He's constantly trying to get you
into a compromising position,
even though he said that he respects your boundaries.
I'm not saying it's a deal breaker,
but I am saying that, you know,
what else is he gonna respect?
Your no in, in marriage.
What else isn't he gonna respect your no in?
It's important to respect each other's nos and boundaries.
We've had lots of couples that have traveled together,
stayed in the same hotel rooms,
maybe separate beds, like two queens in a hotel room,
but maybe sometimes the same bed
and still have not had sex until they got married.
It is possible.
So I guess what we wanna say, Renee,
is we wanna tell people, know your own limitations.
Know your own limitations.
We all have different limitations.
Know your own limitations.
Also know their limitations and don't cross those lines.
Don't cross those lines, okay?
If you know after two drinks,
you become like, woo, let's get it on.
If you know that that's you,
then don't have two drinks on the date, all right?
You're hanging from the chandelier
with your panties off after two dates,
then that's not what you wanna do.
Know your limitation.
If you don't drink like me, I don't drink.
If you're not a drinker, then, you know,
know that if he like, if he starts kissing your neck,
you know, oh, that's.
the, that's the point of no return.
Okay.
If he starts, I had, I had a bride once that got married,
but I, she's like, everything's fine
unless they touched my back.
She's like, if they start touching my back
and rubbing my back, she's like, I can't control myself.
So know your triggers, know what it is that, you know,
really gets you to a place where you're like, don't stop.
Keep going.
Because obviously you want to know what those things are.
And if you don't know what those things are,
you'll probably find out pretty fast.
And you guys know that no matter what,
this is a safe place for you.
So no matter everything we've just said,
if you ever feel like, oh my gosh, I've crossed the line.
There's no way I can face Renee or Jackie.
No, please still come, please still show up in community.
This is all about perfect performance.
This is about heart intentions.
So we're not going to have a scorecard every Monday
and like ask you guys questions.
So please know that we're just giving you
best practices guidelines
that is going to keep you healthy and safe,
but that doesn't mean you're going to get shame or guilt
out of either one of us in this program.
So please never forget the heart.
We want you to enjoy sex.
That's why we're here.
We want you to enjoy it.
We want you to get excited about it.
And we want you to do it in a way that is going to,
you know, be healthy, spiritually, mentally,
emotionally, physically for you.
I will tell you,
those of you that get into level three relationships
and everything is going great and wonderful.
It's smooth sailing ahead.
You're so excited about the future together.
And then all of a sudden you're in my DMs
telling me that he broke up with you and you're devastated.
The very first question that I asked you is,
did you have sex?
And a hundred percent of the time you tell me yes.
Do not do it.
Don't do it.
It creates disconnection.
I'm not saying that those guys were using those women
and just trying to get them into a place
where they were going to have sex.
Those were committed level three courtships.
I think that disconnects happen
when we have sex outside of covenant.
I think that it does.
I think that there's a spiritual energetic shift
that happens.
And some people can overcome it and keep going forward
and some people can't.
And so I want to encourage you,
do not give in to that.
Okay?
My nanny would say, do not, do not, do not do it
because he will not buy the cow
if he can get the milk for free.
That's what my nanny would say to you
if she was alive on the earth.
And you know what?
There's a little bit of wisdom in those old timers things.
I know it makes us sound like we're cows,
which we don't like.
We don't want to be men's property.
And I know marriage used to be a financial transaction
back in the day, but there's some wisdom in that.
Men don't want what they can have easily.
They don't.
And even if they do love you
and even if they do want to be with you,
there's also something that happens in their mind
if you're willing to lay down with them
before they make you their wife.
Don't do it.
And if you do do it, we're here for you
because we love you.
Like Renee said, we're not going to judge you.
Y'all, I had lots of sex before I met Jesus.
And I was only 22 years old when I met Jesus.
And I had already had lots of sex.
Why?
Because I was sexually abused as a child
and that was turned on.
That switch was flipped.
And unfortunately it turned into a promiscuity.
Now is my body count,
that's what they call the kids call it.
Is my body account like a lot of other people's body counts?
No, it's still in the single digits.
Okay, still in the single digits.
But I consider that lots of sex
now that I'm in a monogamous relationship.
God protected me and gave me STDs.
Nothing bad happened to me in those ways.
But I know that that's not always what happens with people.
But there was a lot of shame associated with that
when I met Jesus.
And I realized that this isn't the way
God created me to live.
And so I really don't want you to feel that type of shame.
I really want you to save this and let it be sacred.
And if you do that,
I believe that you will be blessed in that way.
And if you haven't done that,
there's absolutely healing and there's freedom for you
and you have another chance to do it now.
So Father God, I thank you right now for tonight.
I thank you for each and every one of your daughters,
regardless of what their sexual history is, God,
regardless of what they've given into,
what's happened to them.
We ask God that you would just heal their hearts.
Heal their hearts, Lord.
Cleanse their minds of everything, Lord,
that would make them feel shame,
would make them feel afraid of this part of their life, Lord.
Help them to see that this is a beautiful blessing, God,
that you've given this as a vehicle of connection,
a vehicle of intimacy, a vehicle of oneness.
their future spouse, I pray God that you would give them excitement for it, anticipation for it,
anything practically that they need to do to prepare for it, Lord, whether it's
seeing the doctor or hormones, God, or just doesn't matter what it is, whatever they have
to practically do to prepare for this time in their life, I pray that you would open doors,
that you would highlight things to them, that even after this conversation, Lord, whatever it is that
they feel stuck in, that they would begin to see information, send them human resources with
information to help them to get the wisdom and the knowledge that they need in order to
have an amazing and vibrant and holy sex life in Jesus name, amen.
All right, I hope you guys enjoyed tonight. It is available on replay. We love y'all.
Supernatural Saturday, and then we have our all prophetic night this Sunday night.
We're going to all prophecy, all the things you guys that have been in it, you know what it is.
And so we'll see you there on Sunday night at 8pm.