Hey, thanks for praying for me.
I'm in the land of the living,
which is always a good thing.
And I'm upright, which is another good thing.
Still a little puny, definitely not a hundred percent,
but I'm getting there and that's all that matters, right?
That's all that matters.
For everyone that has no idea what I'm talking about,
I was sick, I had a fever for the last couple of days,
and I am definitely on the mend.
All right, hold on.
All right, so welcome to tonight's all community session.
We are going to have love seats tonight.
You guys know that all community is a grab bag.
So when you show up to all community,
if it's on the calendar, it says all community,
this is important because when we go to the app,
please keep praying it's still not approved
by the Apple store.
They are really messing with us now, right?
They're really messing with us.
Our developer has never seen it take this long for anybody.
And so, you know, if we're gonna call it warfare,
I think we just should, because I think that's what it is.
All right, so we're still waiting on that approval,
but love seats, I'm sorry,
all community night can be love seats.
And for those of you that are new,
love seats is where we gather and you ask questions,
you like jump in the love seat, right?
Not the hot seat, the love seat.
You ask questions about your love life,
about someone that you're talking to,
something that happened on a dating app,
anything relationship related is fair game for love seats.
Then it could possibly be love story,
which means we have a couple that's come
to tell their story, to encourage you,
to kind of show you the ins and outs
and the ups and downs of what it looks like
to have a God written love story.
Obviously the people are success stories from our community
when we have love story.
Then we have something called heart connect.
And it is kind of like a situation
where it's a mixer sort of,
where you go into groups with other people
and you get to have some icebreakers
and talk and different things happen.
We have something called heart retab as well
that could happen during a all community event.
That is a like a 12 step program.
So like dating, I'm sorry, divorce recovery
or celebrate recovery, any of those things
that are about healing from something bad
that has happened, that's traumatic.
That is what heart rehab is,
but it's based on the heart work module, right?
The protocol of heart work is the basis of that.
What we also have is single spotlights.
That's where we bring single sons, single sons,
single sons and daughters, single men, single women.
We spotlight them to the community,
get to ask them questions.
That also usually is with a he said, she said.
And he said, she said is just,
let's all talk about different things
that affect single men and women
and hear a man's perspective and hear a woman's perspective.
So tonight we have a love seat,
but we're going to field for the first half hour at least,
we're going to field questions and scenarios
that surround remarriage.
Did I ever hit record or is it still paused?
It is recording, okay.
So that surround remarriage and blended family, okay?
A lot of you will be getting remarried.
I want you to go ahead and raise your hand
if you've been divorced at least one time, at least once.
We're not going to ask you how many times
you've been divorced because it's not about that.
It's just about trying again with new information,
trying again with new healing,
trying again with new information.
That's how you're going to be successful.
Okay, let's look and see.
Show me how you do the percentage thing.
How many people have their hand up?
What percentage is that?
I used a calculator.
Oh, you did?
You used a calculator?
Okay, all right.
I thought it was some kind of button on here.
No, it's not a gadget.
Okay, I thought it was a gadget.
There's no easy button for that?
Okay, so there's a lot of hands up right now, y'all.
There's a lot of hands up.
Okay, and so put your hands down.
I want to see all of you put your hands up
that you're going to be getting married for the first time,
but you're over 35.
Let's see those hands.
You're getting married for the first time,
but you are older than 35.
You're old enough to know better, okay?
The chances-
Old enough to be president.
You're old enough to be president.
Never thought of it that way.
And somebody needs to be the president.
So if you live in America, please run for president.
That would be a good idea.
So lots of you raising your hand right now.
And what does that mean?
Can you turn that off?
That means that the chances of you-
Now, it could happen younger.
For those of you that are not raising your hand
because you have never been married,
but you're also under 35,
don't think that you're getting off scot-free, right?
Because the chances of all of you marrying someone
who's already been married and or-
or has children already are good.
They're high.
Those chances are really high, okay?
Put all your hands down.
Now I need you to be honest or this doesn't work.
Can't coach you if you won't be honest.
Raise your hand if one of your non-negotiables
is someone who's been married and has children
or has either one of those things.
Been married, has children,
has children, hasn't been married,
been married, doesn't have any children.
It's your non-negotiable.
You believe that God has promised you
that you can marry someone who doesn't have
a former spouse or children or either.
Let's see the hands of those.
Really, nobody?
Man, I must really be coaching you really good.
I'm gonna be, here, pat me on the back.
All right, I'm proud of myself right now
because I know y'all came in,
oh, here's the people.
I'm sorry, I didn't see the hands
that were up, okay.
I'm patting myself on the back.
Okay, all right.
Y'all are wrong.
It's not true.
Okay, I want you to really put that before the Lord
because you could be missing out
on a phenomenal opportunity,
a phenomenal opportunity to be with someone incredible
because you believe that you're going to marry someone
who's never been married before or doesn't have kids.
And that because they've been married before
and have kids that maybe that says something about them
and, or it's gonna be really hard and crazy.
It might be, but you'll have the grace to do it once again
if that attachment and that divine,
that divine, what is it?
That divine, are you looking at me like that?
If you got what we got, then you can do it.
Okay, all right.
Unction, grace.
I don't know.
I got stuck at the word divine.
Divine.
All right, so I see people putting stuff.
Okay, so we're gonna start talking about remarriage.
And remember, for those of you
who have never been married before, this could affect you.
And so it's important for you to listen up.
Are they gonna ask questions?
Yeah, they're right here.
Here are the questions.
But on specifically on remarriage.
They're gonna ask questions about divorce,
remarriage, blended family, all the things, all the things.
Relationship questions?
Yep.
I got a relationship question.
Okay, so Melissa Dawn,
you've sent this huge long thing in here.
And it looks like it's something
that you should put in to Ask Jackie
because I really, I can't read it all.
There's just too many paragraphs there.
What are we gonna say?
What happens when you're in a relationship
and you do all, you do everything right?
You're just like, you know.
Like you just, you know, you do nothing wrong.
And you just like, is it possible
to love your person too much?
You know that you flooded the house yesterday, right?
What?
Okay, you flooded the house.
I did?
Someone literally said
that you were reenacting Noah's flood.
Oh.
Okay.
So.
But you know what?
Your question does not apply to you.
Oh, I was asking for a friend.
Oh, were you asking for a friend?
Okay, great.
Okay, you guys see,
this is gonna just be a clown court tonight.
We're just gonna be cutting up.
Okay, does widowed count?
Yeah, widowed counts, of course.
Yeah.
You have been married before.
And if you have children with that person,
even if they're grown children, you guys,
even if they're grown children, right?
There's a reason why blended rhymes with offended.
I have several couples right now
that they had success in this community.
They are married because of this program
and they are struggling in the blended family realm.
So we're coaching them, we're helping them.
And so I would like an ounce of prevention
is worth a pound of cure.
Let's talk about some of these things
so that when and if you get there,
you're ready for that, okay?
People are open now.
That's great.
On the fence, mostly because of what my dad believes
about divorce and remarriage.
Well, your dad ain't gonna marry them, Laura.
So that's important to remember.
Shouldn't they have been married yet?
Carrie, that's good.
Carrie's like, at my age, I think the opposite.
Like, hey, if they haven't been married at my age,
what's wrong with them, right?
What if they're in the process of finalizing their divorce?
We can talk about that, Lydia.
Thank you for that.
I really would need some help with these questions.
Is Cheryl here tonight?
Cheryl?
I am, yep.
Okay, if you could grab the questions for David and I,
that would be awesome.
We'd appreciate that.
So let's go ahead and go over,
what if they're in the process of divorcing
when you meet them?
I've answered this a couple of times.
but I'm gonna answer it again.
David was in the process of getting a divorce
when I met him.
I was in the process of getting a divorce when he met me.
Okay, we were next door neighbors.
If you guys don't know the story, it's a funny story.
And we'll tell it sometime, but not tonight.
So we were both in the process
of huge transitions in our lives.
We were both going through a lot of things.
When I met him, his divorce had been going on for two years.
His wife had left the home, left the family two years
before I met him, but his divorce was not finalized yet
because of a bankruptcy and a foreclosure on a house.
It's kind of like-
Tied up in legal junk.
Yeah, you can have, I mean,
the legal procedure can take a long time.
You can be, there's a big difference
between being divorced technically
and then being estranged from your spouse.
I mean, if you've been estranged from your spouse
for any length of time, year, two years, whatever,
that's like you're not with them anymore.
True.
Just waiting for the paperwork.
But the thing is, is that marriages
do not end in divorce courts.
They end when contracts or covenants are broken, okay?
You might have been in a contract marriage.
What does that mean?
That means the marriage wasn't based on faith.
It wasn't God bringing two people together.
Y'all push yourselves together
because of superficial reasons,
lust and all the different things.
And you wanted to be with them for whatever reason.
And it wasn't healthy and it never had been healthy.
Okay, I don't believe that's a covenant marriage.
A covenant marriage is when God brings us together
and our relationship is founded
on our relationship with God.
I wanna tell you this, this is really important.
When you come and you say, I do to this person,
you're not promising them anything.
You're promising God something.
You're saying, God, I promise to love this person, right?
I promise to be faithful to this person.
I promise to forsake all others.
You're not promising them, you're promising God that.
You're making a covenant.
You can't make a covenant to a person.
You make a covenant with God and a person.
Do you guys understand what I'm saying here?
And we can't lie to God, can we?
And so if you got up in front of the preacher,
you got up in front of the courthouse
and you promised to do a bunch of stuff
or they promised to do a bunch of stuff to you
and there was a whole bunch of deception going on already,
the words weren't even true
that were coming out of anybody's mouth
at the wedding ceremony, that's not a covenant.
So a lot of people were in contract marriages.
There was all kinds of verbal and mental abuse,
emotional abuse, there was infidelity already happening
when those vows were spoken.
And so regardless of whether it was a contract
or you really did have a covenant marriage
that was ended by death because someone died
or someone fell into sin and then they broke that covenant,
bottom line is this,
is that marriages do not end in divorce courts,
they end when those things are broken, okay?
And in God's eyes,
I believe that he sees us as divorced during that.
Did you guys know,
if you haven't listened to my divorce
and remarriage sermon series,
definitely go listen to it
because back in the olden days,
all you had to do to get divorced
was just walk out of the house and close the door.
You was divorced, okay?
So just so you know, abandonment is called divorce.
Someone needs to hear that tonight.
You were abandoned and in that moment, you were free.
You were free from that relationship
in the moment that you were abandoned by that person.
So back to Lydia's question,
I think it was Lydia that asked,
what if they're still going through divorce?
What have they learned?
When I get on a discovery call with a man or woman
that's been divorced,
but the first thing that I ask them
is not why are you divorced,
but what did you learn through your divorce?
What did you learn?
What did you learn through your divorce, sir?
I learned that I could be,
well, I learned because of the position I was in,
I was in full-time ministries,
completely like in my lane, in my calling,
all that kind of stuff.
And yet I still wasn't the leader
or the end all at my home.
I completely failed in that regard.
You missed the main thing.
Missed the main thing.
And that happens to a lot of people that are in ministry.
Don't miss the main thing.
Your family is the main thing, not your ministry.
Your ministry is your family.
And so for those of you that are ministers
or you're gonna marry someone
who's in full-time traditional ministry,
meaning like church ministry,
they have a church,
they have a preaching kind of ministry or whatever,
the loss of the world is not more important
than the people that live in your home.
And you don't ever wanna marry someone
who thinks differently than that
because that's a recipe for divorce for sure.
through my divorce was that I had horrible, anxious, avoidant attachment.
I had this God-shaped hole, this identity-shaped hole that I thought was a man-shaped hole,
and I kept trying to shove my former husband in it, and he didn't fit. He didn't fit. I never
felt fulfilled. And every time he would pull away because he had horrible avoidant attachment.
So I'd be like, please, please, please, please, please love me, love me. And he'd be pulling away.
And then when I would give up, then he would come back and kind of breadcrumb me. And then I'd be
like, but then as soon as I had him, I didn't want him anymore. And it was just cycle, cycle, cycle.
And so what I learned through my divorce is that God is source. He's head of the human resource
department. And I believe hurt in marriage healed in marriage. It's true. But I couldn't be healed
in this marriage if I didn't have that heart part right, where I'm no longer looking for someone to
fulfill me, right? I'm whole in Christ. And then my assignment is completed in this partnership.
And then I'm healed in family. And so hopefully that answers the divorce question. Okay,
so Cheryl, what else do we have? Good job.
Okay, we have one here from
well, I'm just going to read the bottom part. It's from, it's from Rachel, Rachel's Rachel Chummy.
And it's her question at the bottom was, how do I prepare my son ensures he's going to be not be
abandoned by me? You can scroll up. She's a single mom. She has a 25 year old child starting a career
child starting career. She's never been married. And so
All right, so he's 25, right? So he's an adult. He's a grown man. And yes, not that our kids that
are grown don't need us. They still need us. But I want you to reframe this and start thinking of
this as him being able to have a man in his life. Yeah, he might think right now that he's the man
in your life. Because like you said, you've never been married. And so your son has never known or
had a relationship with a man or his father. And so if there's a good chance that he feels like he
is the man in your life, not in a weird way, but you know what I'm saying? And so he might be a
little bit territorial with that. And so having really candid conversations about your desire for
a partner, especially now that he's grown, sounds to me like you really focused on him and raising
him instead of going out and trying to, you know, find a partner for yourself. But now it's your
turn and it's your time. And so it's important that you start to talk to him about that. He's
going to go on hopefully and have a wife and children and do things and he isn't always going
to be there. But this spouse that you would bring in your life, that is the person that you are going
to partner with for the rest of your life. And so while he's going to have a whole different life
than that, you know, this will be your life. And so you have to start kind of talking for all of
you that have kids, you start preparing those children for the day that you meet your spirit
mate, start talking to them about it. Even if you don't know them. Of course. That's what I'm saying.
When you don't know them, start preparing them for that transition by maybe having them before
they go to bed at night when they're little, you know, if they're littler and you pray with them,
let's pray for the spirit mate that God will be sending into our lives. You know, this person
who's going to, you know, be part of the parenting team in their life, you know, and if they don't
have a father, they don't have a mother in their life, then of course they're really going to want
that. And so start praying for that and let them be part of it. Yeah. And it's great for them to,
you know, some kids are very excited about their parent getting married. Yeah. She was very excited
about that, but even if they're not so excited about it, the, the, the sooner you start having
the conversation, they may come around to that way of thinking sooner than later, rather than
just being against it. So the middle, the middle child in our blended family was nine, Kaylee,
when we met and her and my six-year-old daughter played together. That's how we, that's how we
originally really got thrown together. So she's his daughter with his first wife and Reagan,
the six-year-old is my daughter with my first husband. And I will tell you that Kaylee was
kind of like a little matchmaker. She wanted us together. She definitely thought it'd be so fun
to have Reagan as a sister. And I, but after we got married, she started getting a little
territorial and now it's like, Oh, I got to share dad with these other two women. And I don't know
how I feel about that. And so we went like this a little bit, but I can honestly tell you 17 years
later, she's 27 years old. She's married. She has our only grandchildren, twins, by the way,
those squishes are going to be here tomorrow.
these little squishes are going to be here tomorrow with Nona and Papa. Um, but we're
all very, very close. We're very close. We have, we've been really blessed and we have
amazing family. We do. Our kids are really great. Yeah. So, um, so prepare your children,
let them get excited about it. Don't push it on them, you know, pace, pace yourself with it.
You guys don't introduce your kids too quickly. Let's just talk about that. Cause that's
important. Yeah. And I'm finding a way for the kids to not just be involved, but, but have some
ownership in that process. I mean, there's a hundred different ways for that to happen, but
have it, you know, yeah. Sort of, um, a voice in part of it, not whether you can or you can't
explain the reasons why that this is important and why, you know, God is sending this person
into your lives. Cause remember, it's not just your love story. It's their love story too.
It's not just your love story. It's their love story. It's important that you understand that.
Um, but we was, Oh, introducing the kids. So for us, it was different because we were next door
neighbors. And so we were already friends and like co carpooling and stuff together. So the kids
already knew me. I was Reagan's mom. Right. And Reagan obviously already knew him. In fact, Reagan
has the sweetest story when he was just the neighbor. Okay. It was just the guy next door
and he was Kaylee's dad. Uh, Reagan was out riding her little bicycle, you know, a little
pink bicycle and she hair was all crazy and belly was hanging out because she always, we used to
call her plumber, but her shirts always kind of came up. And then her pants always kind of came
down because she didn't have any waste. And so she always had her belly out and her little butt
crack out all the time. And so she's riding, she's riding in our little cul-de-sac where we lived. I
lived here and he lived next door. And so she's riding her little bike and she's not paying
attention. And she smacked right back in that, in the back of a parked car. Okay. And then what
happened? And I was, you happen to be looking out the window. Well, I was home early because I'm a
teacher. I was teaching at the time. And so I had like, I was getting home at like three, four o'clock
in the afternoon. And I'm home, I'm in the house and she's just outside riding her bike. But I
happen to be looking out the front window when this is going on and I noticed, I started just
like, Oh, what's she doing? You know? And I'm like, and then, Oh, there's the car. And she hits the
car. And I just stopped for a moment because she's laying in the middle of the street. Like,
someone help me like this, you know, she's just crying. And I go, Oh, I'm going to have to go out
there. And so I went out there and picked her up in the middle of the street, scooped her up in my arms
and just lovingly cared for her, brought her back in, put a Band-Aid on her.
He took her in his house and Band-Aided her up and did all the things and then brought her over
to me, you know, I mean, she was, he wasn't a stranger to her. He was a known person. And some
of you that have been sexually abused by people, you're already triggered. You're like, Oh my God,
no, you know, some crazy man, you know, the little kid and you blah, blah, blah. But you know what?
That's not, that's not the situation. And so, and Reagan didn't have any kind of bandwidth for that.
So she just felt so loved. My little daddy's heart. And so fathered in that minute, in that moment.
And that's kind of one of her first special moments with who she called daddy David.
But of course we weren't even dating yet. And so yeah. So your kids, you need to remember
these people are for them as well. And they're uniquely matched to what these kids need.
You have to tell about the connection you had to make with Jaron because he was resistant.
Yeah. Jaron was really resistant. So when we met my daughter was six, his daughter was nine
and his son was 11. So Jaron's the oldest, he's the oldest. And so when we started turning
romantic before there was any kind of romantic connection when I was just the neighbor and I
picked them up from school and different things happened, we helped each other with stuff. He
loved me. Right. Cause I'm super fun and all the kids and he's like a little video game kid and
didn't want to come outside. I had him outside exploring, going on adventures in the Creek and
all the different things. And so he loved me. But then as soon as dad started paying special
attention to me after four months and we started dating, he wasn't having it. So I would come next
door and you know, the kids were all going to sleep because it was time for them to go to sleep
because they had school tomorrow and he'd be up in his room and he'd be like, dad, dad, come here,
dad. And so we're trying to spend some time together. And then he, dad had to go up there
and then Jared just wanted to hold him hostage in his room, asking him all kinds of questions,
saying things, blah, blah, blah. And then I heard one night I heard him saying to his dad,
I don't like her being here, dad. The house smells weird when she's here, dad. And I'm like,
you little punk, you little punk. Right. But we can't get mad about that because the kids are
really insecure. I had that good perfume. Kids are insecure. Especially if, if the, you, the parent
that they've had, they have.
haven't had a really solid, secure attachment
with other parents.
And so they're gonna get scared, right?
That they're losing now the one solid attachment
that they have because now you're distracted
with somebody else.
This is a real thing.
So instead of getting mad at Jaron,
I had to recognize what was causing it,
what was at the root of his behavior.
And I had to show him that he wasn't losing his dad,
but he was gaining a Jackie.
And so I basically bought him off.
He was really into art and he's a professional designer now,
he's really talented.
And so one day I was like,
hey, you wanna go on a date with me?
I said, let's go to the art store,
let's go to Dick Blix and let's go to Olive Garden
and eat pasta, butter noodles was the way to his heart.
And I just wanted to show him that,
hey, I'm just not here for your dad, I'm here for you too.
And he just started, he started realizing that
and little by little, he started letting me in.
And now we're thick as thieves.
Me and my son, we're like this and my daughter
and my other daughter.
I walk in and I'm like, who are you texting?
Like, what are you talking to?
Like, what's going on?
Like, I have to like insert myself now
in their relationship because they're just like,
hey, you know, they're like, you know,
making plans and doing a bunch of stuff and so good.
He's 29 and then the middle daughter
who has the grandbabies is 27.
And then Kaylee and Reagan is 23
and getting married in August.
So friends, I just want to let you know
that blended does rhyme with offended.
And those first couple of years were really hard.
I know we're trying to make it sound,
I said, not we're not trying,
but we're making it sound easy, it wasn't.
The first couple of years were crazy.
His former wife, woo, drama, okay.
And I just want to let you know,
I was not that heart healthy when I married him.
All right, I was trying to be, I was doing my heart work,
but I come from the South side of that kingdom.
I will cut you.
I love Jesus, but I don't love, I don't love,
I don't love being treated like that, right?
And so there were lots of times
that I had to repent and apologize
because I let that get under my skin.
I've got somebody trying to match Jaron.
Oh, bring it on, he's single.
She's like, is Jaron single?
And she goes, I have daughters.
Oh, he is single and he is handsome.
He can only marry one, the choices are good.
Choices are good.
Okay, so let's get some more questions.
What do you got for us, Cheryl?
At what point do you tell an ex-spouse?
You met someone?
At what point do you tell an ex-spouse
that you met someone?
I was just reading, go ahead, Cheryl.
No, that, I think that was, wasn't that what we just spoke?
I don't know, what's the question you have now?
Well, I have from Olga.
How do you manage in a wise and healthy way
the relationship, yeah, with the ex-wife
when you marry a divorced guy?
So first of all, it's not up to you
to manage the relationship.
It's up to him to manage it, right?
Whoever's former spouse it is,
it's up to them to set the boundary.
Please write that down.
It's really important.
It's not up to you to set the boundary.
And that being said,
if you get into a relationship with someone
and you see that their relationship
with their former spouse is very non-boundaried,
then you're probably gonna have issues.
Now, you have to understand though,
before Jackie was a relationship expert,
she was a relationship expert.
She just intuitively knew these things.
But to me, she was just this awesome lady
that I just married, and I wasn't aware of these things.
And so I was depending upon my wife
to really bring some clarity to that.
But at the same time, it was difficult, it was challenging
because I didn't know,
when you're just coming into relationship with someone new,
but you've had relationship
regardless of how that relationship ended
and it was so long ago, you're used to that.
You're not used to the new relationship,
especially if they're very different.
And he met his former wife
when they were 14 years old in like eighth grade.
And so they dated all those years
except one year that he went to college away
and then they got married.
And so she was the only woman besides his mother
that he had ever known, right?
And so the way she did things or the way she was,
and she's the one that left the marriage,
didn't want to be married anymore,
wanted to kind of go and see what she had missed out on
by getting married young or see what could happen
if she was not in the church anymore.
A lot of people deconstruct their faith and leave marriages.
That happens a lot, that happened in this situation.
And so, in fact, he was blindsided by his divorce
because he thought his marriage was great.
They worked at a mega church together, ministry, everything.
They were changing the world one center at a time.
And then all of a sudden his wife is giving him a list
of a hundred things.
that she's unhappy about and telling him she wants a divorce.
So that happens, right?
And so when I met him, she was still living in the list.
She was still like, she's not like this anymore, but she was still in the phase where she was
blaming him for everything that had gone wrong in her life.
You know, Oh, I shouldn't have been involved with religion.
And I'm mad because I was at that, you know, spiritually abusive church for so long and
you kept me there and blah, blah, blah.
And everyone's tried to control me my whole life.
And, you know, she had a lot of other things in her heart from her own childhood and all
different types of stuff.
She's not like that anymore.
In fact, they had a conversation a couple of years ago where she invited him to coffee.
Remember, we've been married for 17 years, so they've been not together for 19 years.
And so where she wanted to express to him that she had been wrong and that she was sorry
and that she hoped that he could forgive her and all the things.
And some of us may get those apologies, but some of us may not get those apologies.
But early in our relationship, what God said to me is this, he said, Jackie, you have to
stop getting offended at her attitude towards you and towards her former husband because
her view of him and your view of him as his new wife are not the same.
And so you got to get that the guy or the woman that you got, you might be marrying
that other person doesn't see them the way that you see them.
They don't know them the way that you know them.
Hopefully they learn something from their divorce and they're better now.
And I feel like we're better, totally different people than we were.
Oh, totally.
We're better now.
I mean, better for sure.
So much better, but very different as well.
So you have to, you have to understand that you can't just be like, oh, you know, you
have to understand that.
So boundaries are important.
So if you see that the person that you're dating has no boundaries with their former
spouse, their former spouse is texting them all the time or calling them all the time.
And they're having to get up and jump and run and do whatever they want.
Or, you know, they're schlepping the kid off on their time and they're ruining your dates
together because it's like, there's no rules.
Then you're going to want to address that before you get into a very serious, engaged
or married state with them, because that's not going to change when you're married.
And it's probably going to drive you a little crazy, right?
You want there to be boundaries, right?
And not everyone knows even what that word means.
And so definitely, if you get serious about someone who has kids and you notice that their
former spouse runs them a little ragged or they do whatever they say, definitely.
And a lot of times that will be just to keep the peace, right?
There'll be one dysfunctional person and the other person to really keep the peace will
just do whatever they want so that there's not some big blowout, but that can't continue
when you're married to them, can it?
Because you don't want to live like that.
You don't want to be held hostage by some unhealthy person that you weren't married
to.
You weren't married to them, right, right.
So it's important to lay down some boundaries there.
And if any of you get into that situation, we can help you with that.
All right, Cheryl, what we got?
And you guys can also unmute yourself, Cheryl.
They can unmute themselves and ask a question, put your hand up if you have something you
want to ask about remarriage, about divorce, about kids, blended family, anything.
And then now we'll open it up to all questions, cover some blended family stuff.
So if you have any question about dating and relationship, anything at all, we'll go ahead
and open that up.
Okay, Nicole, what do you got?
So I haven't been, we've been divorced, it's 15 years.
And I haven't really dated, my kids were my priority, I was basically a single parent.
My ex-husband has been with a woman for about three years.
My kids are very, not negative towards her because we're not together.
They don't like her for reasons of the way that she treats the father.
So I have, not that I fear that they're going to be that way with me, but they're both older.
So how do I approach that?
Because I welcome a blended family and a, you know, to have-
Wait, can I get some clarity?
So you're saying, what should I do about a guy whose kids treat him bad?
No, no, no.
So my ex is with a woman and she talks nasty to him and around my children.
So they're very cut off with her and they don't like being around her.
So them being protective of me because they saw that he wasn't nice with me, they're very
protective of me.
So they're older, they're 19 and 22.
And I, not that I want to like coach them.
But like you were saying,
like when is the right time to introduce at that age?
First of all, you're going to definitely need
to choose someone who doesn't have a defense mechanism
of verbal assault.
Okay.
Hey, you guys, we all have defense mechanisms.
I call them self-preservation techniques.
And some people's self-preservation technique
is yelling, right?
Some people's self-preservation technique
is to, you know, start talking over people
or start, you know, accusing or, you know,
and that's a fear to response.
That's a trauma response.
It's not healthy.
You know, it can even border on verbal abuse
depending on what it looks like.
And it sounds like you've already been
in a relationship like that with their father.
And so a criteria, really a non-negotiable for you
in your next relationship will have to be
someone who is even tempered.
Someone who does not use their words to attack.
Gotcha.
Thank you.
Just like I said, I just clarity
because I know that they're defensive with him, with her,
you know, and I don't want that to be,
to come into my relationship for them to have.
I believe that God's going to allow you to be
with someone who's going to show them
how people should really talk to each other.
And that's my prayer that I,
my kingdom marriage is to show them what a real
relationship should be.
Loving, like just everything that it should be.
Absolutely.
For sure.
A hundred percent.
I agree with you.
All right.
Hunter, you were nice.
I get it.
Thank you, Nicole.
Hunter, what do you got?
Well, technically, can you hear me?
Yep.
Perfect.
Well, technically there's nothing marriage about me.
It's just, I'm just, I just,
it's about my friend who's married,
but the problem is I, this is, she's a girl that she,
we went to college together as friends and we never dated.
I went to her family's house for church and ministry.
But as of right now, as of last year, she got married.
I stayed, even after I moved into New York
and she went out West, when we left Ohio,
we got to stay in contact at least as young adults.
But by the time we got into our mid thirties, we were okay.
And then by the time she met some guy and then they married
they, she, we hardly chat a lot.
And I try to stay in contact, but then of course she goes
and I just say, that's a nice husband.
And she even liked my stuff when I say something positive
on her Facebook blog.
And then as long as it's, she gave me like a hard,
but yeah, by the time, so I try to contact her to say hi,
but even, but not as a, cause you know,
when a girl marries, she, it's like,
she has to pull the plug on all the relationship with guys.
Okay, so what's the question?
Well, even though I was saying,
did I do anything wrong?
And I texted her back saying, hey, how are you?
And never heard back.
And she even has a kid.
And it's like, is that normal for when a girl marries,
she has to pull the plug on all the other relationships
she has with other guys in the past?
I mean, not always.
I mean, it depends on what the context
of the relationship is.
It sounds like you guys were just old youth group friends
or family friends, but it sounds like
for whatever reasons, you know, she has.
So that might be something that her husband wants her to do
or I don't know, but I wouldn't worry about it.
I wouldn't feel rejected by it.
You know, it's time for new relationships.
We can't always stay in contact with all the people
that we've known in the past.
It's time for new things.
I just like saying, how's your husband?
It's a sort of thing, cause the way,
as a way to demonstrate that I'm not a threat
to undermine your marriage with your part,
with your husband, as a way to meet him,
because I'd tell him how she and I go way,
way back in college, back only into college and-
Right, I know that it feels offensive
to have to lose such an old friend,
but it sounds like it's just time to move on from there.
So just is what it is.
And we all have those situations, right?
So it's just time to move on from there
and let God fill that space with new people
and new relationships.
And that's that, okay?
All right.
Sorry, I can tell that that's disappointing,
but I don't, you haven't done anything wrong.
So don't-
It sounds like she's displaying her boundaries
for her purpose.
Yeah.
Even though I have no seductive intentions
to undermine her marriage.
No one thinks that you had seductive intentions.
I doubt that she thinks that either,
but it sounds like she just wants to go ahead and move on.
So that's that.
All right.
So Tiffany, what do you got?
Tiffany Butler.
All right.
Stacey.
Hello?
Oh, Tiffany's ready.
Go ahead, Tiffany and then Stacey.
Okay, go ahead.
I'm sorry about that.
So this is my question.
I see a lot of women, and no shade to anybody else,
but I see that, you know, sometimes you talk about pacing
and I see that after maybe two or three dates,
they're at level three.
And I often wonder why, you know,
I proceed with caution just because I have a five-year-old
and I don't want to introduce him to somebody
that he doesn't need to meet.
But I wonder that, what is that feeling like to,
I don't want to sit there jumping quickly,
but why am I not there?
Like, am I just like overly cautious?
Because I'm seeing, like I said, two or three dates,
maybe a couple of weeks, and they're at a level three
and I'm cruising in level two,
just getting to know a bunch of people.
Like I like to date people, you know,
a lot of different types of guys
and meeting different types of guys.
And I guess I wanted to know,
should I be looking out to get into that level three quickly
instead of kind of just easing into it
and letting it happen whenever?
If that makes sense.
Not according to my coaching.
So if you're talking about people in this community
jumping into level three after two or three dates,
I think that honestly,
that is a very kind of religious Christian thing to do.
I think that Christian people
really, really rush exclusivity, I do.
And I think that sex is part of it.
I think that, oh, if this person likes me,
then God must have sent them as part of it.
I think that there's a lot of different reasons
why it happens.
I think that giving yourself time to get to know someone,
I knew David as my next door neighbor for four months
before we actually even went on a date, okay?
And so, and we live right next door to each other.
So we saw each other plenty of times,
but we had complicated lives during that timeframe.
We were both going through divorces.
There was all different types of things happening.
I was definitely healing a lot.
And so I think that when it's time to go exclusive
with someone, first of all,
the man should be leading the charge on that.
So a man should be wanting to be exclusive with you.
It's not about you deciding to be exclusive with a man.
It's about you being invited to be exclusive with a man.
And then you make a decision on whether or not
you want to receive that invitation.
So gentlemen, if you're here,
you should be the ones that are driving exclusivity
when it's time.
You should be the one that sees the good thing
that you want to make sure that you have exclusive
opportunity towards and not everybody else.
And so that's a very masculine thing to do.
And so when that happens, Tiffany and these guys,
now, should you show yourself
to be interested in exclusivity?
Should you maybe take down some walls
so that guys see a clear path to possibly being more
than just a dating companion of yours?
Then yes, for sure.
But I do understand that you have a five-year-old son
and I think it's wise.
Yeah.
And you should take the time to explore the relationship
to know when you want to.
Level three is that exclusivity.
You and I are now moving towards intention
of still seeing whether we want to get to know each other.
Yeah, you guys remember level three exclusivity
is not marriage.
It's just-
It's not engagement.
We're gonna focus on each other.
Exactly.
We're gonna give each other our time and attention
and see where this can go.
See if there's something here to build on.
All right, Stacey, what do you got?
Okay, so I flow more opposite Tiffany where I'm like,
yeah, I want exclusive right away.
Now I'm not saying it always works for me,
but here's the bottom line.
So there's this guy that I've been talking to
that lives in Indiana.
Yeah.
Okay, so we have had three video chats
and we've texted back and forth for a while.
So on Easter, he texted me, we texted a little bit
and then I was like, okay,
let me just see if he reaches out at all.
So he did not.
He didn't reach out.
I had an event today and I sent him a message
and said, hey, pray for me about this event,
et cetera, at work.
And anytime I reach out to him, he's super responsive,
kind, respectful and all that.
But I'm probably, now that I hear what Tiffany said,
I'm being impatient because I'm like, what are we doing?
Like, what's next?
Come on.
And so I think I'm answering my own question
and I need to relax.
Well, it's just a little bit of anxious detachment, right?
You want certainty.
You want this person-
I want certainty.
Yeah, you want this person to make their intentions known
and you wanna basically know whether or not
you should waste even one more second on it.
And that's fair because you've gone far down roads
that ended up being dead ends
and you don't wanna do that anymore.
And so I think that we get to a certain point in our lives,
and a lot of you are already there,
We're just not willing to invest a lot of ourselves
in relationships that are not going anywhere.
And that's why it's important for us to look for
reciprocation.
Reciprocity.
Or that, or reciprocation from the very get-go, right?
And ladies, this is especially true for you.
You should be not putting more into the relationship
than the man is, because here's one thing,
and David, tell me if I'm wrong.
When a man wants something, what will he do?
He will go to the ends of the earth to get it.
Hello?
And I see Mike saying yes as well.
If you are a man on here,
please raise your little avatar hand,
shoot off some fireworks or something
to show us that that is true.
I mean, if a guy, I mean, you know,
there's a lot of variables into that,
but you know, if a guy's into a girl, you know,
he's gonna do what he's gonna do
to try to be close to, next to, push it.
I mean, whatever.
You tried to buy me skincare.
What?
You did.
What?
You gave me skincare.
I tried to buy you off.
You tried to buy me skincare products.
One day when he was my neighbor,
he hadn't told me that, you know,
he had any kind of thing towards me.
But one day he just said to me, he said,
what kind of skin do you have?
And I was like, what are you talking about?
And he's like, you know, is it combination?
Is it oily?
Is it dry?
And I was like, what?
And I was like, I don't know, combination, I guess.
And then like a couple of days later,
there was a little present at my front door
of like some skincare.
No, it was, yeah, it was sitting at my door.
I remember, like it was yesterday.
When was the time that I went and found you at the salon?
Oh, okay, a whole different time.
I was at the nail salon getting my nails done.
Okay, okay, so.
Getting my nails done,
and he came in the salon looking for me.
But that's an example of a guy
who's willing to do something like, huh, how can I?
And the guys are not normally like that.
It's kind of like animals in the wild
when they do strange things out of character
and they, you know, really become very vulnerable.
That's what happens to guys when they're into a girl.
They'll just like lose their natural mind
and be like, oh, I'm out here.
I'm trying to find this girl because I'm really into her.
And I think she's hot.
And I think I just, I mean, I gotta find out.
So guys do.
That is what they do.
So what I hear you saying is I should let it go.
And move on. I would.
Okay.
Yeah, I mean, here's the thing.
It doesn't mean, here's the thing, Stacy,
and this is important.
You guys, there's a lot of variables here, right?
She definitely shouldn't try to, you know,
keep him engaged, right?
She doesn't need another pen pal.
But here's the thing.
There are a lot of reasons why this man
could have been really interested
and now is pulling back.
And long distance is probably the number one reason.
Long distance is hard.
People talk themselves out of long distance
every single day because it's hard.
She said he lives in Indiana.
I know where she lives.
She lives in Austin, Texas.
And so that's far away.
And so gotta be in it to win it
if there's long distance involved.
And so this guy, I'm sure he enjoyed the flirtation.
He enjoys you.
You're fun.
You're feminine.
You're flirty.
But is it realistic for you to be together?
And his analytical part of him
probably started getting the better of him.
Yeah.
But here's the thing.
And this is why all of you that have done long distance,
you're chatting, you're flirting, you're having fun,
get in person with each other.
Just get in person with each other.
Because here's the thing, Stacey.
If you get in person with him,
the smell of your pheromones might be enough
for him to do long distance.
Okay?
He's gonna have to get with you in person.
And when he gets with you in person,
after he's in person with you,
if then he doesn't try to go the distance, so to speak,
then just forget it.
But before you get in person,
yeah, there might be potential there,
but he definitely hasn't gotten a whiff of you yet,
so to speak.
And that's the thing.
That's very important.
It's very important.
I don't understand.
Tell me if I'm wrong.
You're wrong.
Okay.
I just don't understand the whole long time.
If I've been with somebody in their presence
for more than a couple times,
and I'm a guy and it's a woman,
you know whether you're into that person,
especially from a guy's point of view.
I don't know about women.
Maybe they take over lunch.
Guys, do you think this is true?
I don't know the whole length of time.
I don't understand.
Guys make up their mind pretty quickly
in a couple instances, I think,
depending on what the instances are,
and go, hmm, yeah, I'm into this girl.
You guys, it's really true.
I coach women differently than I coach men.
When I coach women, I always,
I coach y'all to give men a shot, right?
Because men can grow on us.
We don't have to be attracted right from the get-go.
go. We can get attracted to conversational chemistry. We can get attracted to a sense
of humor. We can get attracted to kindness from someone, right? Men aren't the same way,
right? If he's not sitting across the table from you wondering what your hair smells like,
then it ain't going to be a go. And the only thing that might be taking some time with some guys
is they might be trying to, because they've had some, maybe some past rejection trauma.
They're, they're unsure of some things. They, you know, they're, they're a little bit insecure.
So they're taking a little bit more time to sort of play their hand, but they're definitely
thinking about it. They're trying, they are definitely, it's on their mind, like how.
And so that's probably what's going on with that guy. Stacey probably has you simmering on a burner
and that's why you can't mark your dance card off for him. Continue to meet people,
but if you have an opportunity to see him in person, it looks like June in Wisconsin,
because that's where you're from. Right. And so, yeah, do it because after you meet in person,
either it's going to turn into a crazy, you know, you know, some 11 or it's not,
but one or the other is going to happen. Yeah. So, okay. So, but Stacy's single and available
men. And so she's got something simmering on the back burner, but she's willing to turn that off
for sure. For someone local who meets all of the things, Elizabeth Erickson go for it.
I would like to follow up on Tiffany's question. Cause I feel similarly, I am not, I don't have a
child, but I am kind of relearning how to date. So not like cutting somebody off at date one or
two where you feel really decisive, but also like kind of letting the slow burn happen and then not
love bombing and trauma, trauma bonding really early. So like, I'm going on a fourth date with
a guy and I can tell he's kind of reading me. I'm letting my guard down, but like, I'm not
interested in being exclusive any time soon necessarily, but I like him. So it's a yes,
but I'm not interested in like, like I still would kind of like to date other people for a while. So
where's that line between, and I can tell where there's like anxious avoidance stuff coming up
and I'm processing that, but where's the line between wanting to enjoy dating multiple people
and yet honoring people that you're, that are pursuing consistently not love bombing you.
Okay. This is kind of new. So I think that you just have to be respectful of your season,
Elizabeth. So you're, while it'd be great for you to be in a, Hey, I want to get engaged. I want to
get married season. I don't know that you're there. You know, you're in a place where you're
healing. You know, she had a broken engagement y'all. She just celebrated what would have been
her wedding date. Right. And so she is, you know, exploring what it looks like for her to
choose differently next time, but also just to choose herself. Yeah. She bought herself a home
girl. She is, listen, she is a beast. She took the money from the wedding that she got back
because she made him give it back and bought herself a house. Come on y'all. There ain't
nothing better than that. It was the Lord, but still. All right. And so you're just in a season
where you're exploring right now, you're tasting different things on the buffet because you almost
got locked down, you know, to something that you didn't want to get locked down to. And now that
you realize that you're like, I'm going to really make sure that I know what my options are. And I
think that that's cool. And I think that, you know, you should let people know that as you're
getting to know them that, Hey, you know, I'm not, I'm not looking to rush this. And I think
it's, I think it's right to be really, to be honest with people, but I want you to think about
the love bombing thing. Cause we always hear about the love bombing thing. Love bombing is exclusive
to please listen, anxious attachment and also narcissism. Um, okay. So love bombing is where
someone tries to make a very quick emotional connection to you for the purpose of manipulating
you or for the purpose of, you know, feeling like, um, you know, uh, stabilized themselves
because they have anxious attachment. Um, and they're willing to do anything to continue to
keep that connection, deceive, seduce, you know, manipulate, and that's not good.
But I think that we forget that secure attachers, people that are secure.
They also know very quickly what they want. And so they might be someone who express deep
feelings for you pretty quick in the relationship. That's not love bombing. That's just someone who
knows who they are, knows what they want and they know they want you. So we need to know the
difference. And in this case also, I'll forget because you did that. The old adage. Yes. He's
a secure attacher. The old adage, true love waits. So even if you are meeting the person
that eventually might be the person.
Yeah, even though in the season. Yeah, that doesn't mean that you know, you can't come full circle in a matter of time
When you come into another season, but right now you're in this this guy
We we went on a walk together as neighbors. I was out jogging. He was outside said hey you want to go for a jog?
He said I don't jog I said apparently because I'm just a little you know
Cheeky monkey and then he I said he said I'll walk with you and I was like, okay
So we went on a walk and on the walk he looks right dead at me and he said
When I am ready to get remarried
I don't think I'm gonna have to look very far and I realized he was talking about me and I was like
Remember, we've never been on a date. We've never had any kind of romantic situation and I was like
And then of course I tried to bolt
Right after that conversation it felt good in the moment because I was just like yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think so, too
And he's like, yeah, I think we're gonna get married someday and I was like, yeah, I think so, too
And then I went home and I'm like, oh my god
But it's because he was secure attacher
Right, but I wasn't a secure attacher. I was extremely avoided attached by that time in my life
And so remember secure attachers, they know
They know pretty quickly. Alright, we have a lot of questions to get through. So let's go
Let's kind of short brief and powerful. No long backstory so we can get to all of them popcorn round Mike go for it
so it's funny because my questions change since we've been talking so
you know like as a guy like why I just totally related day because when I when I pursue somebody I
Have a good inclination that we might actually work out which is like so the love-bombing thing
so my question is is I was 20 years in the anxious avoidant loop and I've kind of
I don't want to discount anybody who hasn't avoid an attachment style because that wouldn't be right but at the same time
I think because I'm pretty upfront and straightforward. I don't play around
I I have a lot of amazing female friends that I watched him get screwed with and I hate it
So I just I've been pretty upfront with my intentions, but it usually leads to people bolting, right?
And I and I don't I'm not but I'm not the first day. I'm not the first out the gate like hey boom
I want you know, but at the same time I don't play I don't I've never been that I'm just pretty
So my question is to you
How could I better help people with an avoidant attachment style
Connect I guess is that I think that's what I'm asking because that's who I usually end up talking to
Like
Yeah, I think huh patience, right
Patience and which which goes along with what I was gonna say, which is you know
Learn some like suave
techniques
like seriously
Yeah, like if you're coming across too direct and too firm
That can be intimidating so nothing wrong with being up front and nothing wrong with being
You know very assertive but doing in a way that's playful and has some swap don't play all your cards
I'm gonna tell you as a former avoidant. I mean, I'm so
But I've become secure in this relationship
I will tell you to avoid it to a woman who's an avoidant a man who's coming on too strong is a massive ick
It's a massive. Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick and maybe Mike it's time for you to change your
What you're attracted to if you're attracted to all these avoided women, you know
maybe there's something deeper there in the heart work that we have to take a look at of why you
basically are
Attracted to women who are not attracted back or who are not in any way shape or form ready for a relationship
That seems to be the pattern
We don't look at that, let's look at that in heart work Mondays, okay and boundary Mondays for sure
But good question, right popcorn round you guys short brief and powerful. Boom. Boom. Boom Laura. It's your turn Chapman
Yeah, okay, so as I said
About my dad. My dad is a
minister and he
Kind of changed his viewpoint on divorce and remarriage over the years for a while
he believed it was okay to
Remarry people remarried people who have been married before but now he let me ask you a question real quick, honey
How old are you?
I'm 40
Okay, ha and what do you think about divorce and remarriage? Do you think that it's okay to remarry after you've been divorced? I
mean, I
know people who have been but I'm
Just going by
Well, I was going
by what the Bible says about it. But even after watching your video on that topic,
it gave me clarity a little bit. And I talked to him about it and I was like,
Hey, this is what she said. And you know, but I'm a daddy's girl. So I'm all right.
Well, here's the thing. You don't have to marry someone who's been divorced. You don't. But
if you don't think that it's wrong, if you, if you don't think that's biblically proven that it's
wrong, first of all, people can get remarried even under your dad's viewpoint. He can't deny
that infidelity is definitely a cause for divorce and remarriage. So the bottom line is, is that
you're going to have to, at some point in your life, make a decision that, you know, what you
want to do with your life is more important than what your dad wants you to do. Sounds like there's
some sounds like there's some boundary issues there. Love you, girl. But it sounds like there's
some boundary issues there. Um, cause I'm 50 years old or I will be, and I do have a dad as
well, and I'm not a daddy's girl, so I can't relate to that. But, um, I think that my dad has
some wise things to say, but at the end of the day, you know, I have to make a decision about
what I'm going to do. And for those of you that are single and you've never really had a man in
your life besides your dad, and maybe that's Laura's situation here. Um, you're definitely
going to look up to them and admire them. But remember at the end of the day, it is your life
and you do have to make your own decisions. And I think this is an unpopular opinion right now
during this conversation. I think the Lord will absolutely take you to a place where you will
have to make decisions in opposition of the people that you idolize. Let me say that again.
I think that the Lord will take you to places where you absolutely have to make decisions of
your own that you have peace with in opposition of the people whose opinions have controlled your
life, whether that's good or bad, because we can't allow that to be the case in our lives.
Right. Am I right? Yeah. I think one of the most important questions,
I think one of the most important questions that any one person can ask, and this is very large
and existential, but it is, what do you want? What do you want? And not just one time in your life,
but continually because what that forces you to do is not to go, oh, that's a selfish question
because if I should really answer that, then it would just be all about me and be all, you know,
selfish. No, what it does is it forces you to identify what God has already placed inside of you
that he wants to bring out in you. And it's inextricably linked to answering the question,
what do you want? It's like the notebook. What do you want? Seriously? It's a real good question.
It's a dramatic moment in the movie, but it is key to what do you want?
And then putting that before the Lord, say, okay, Lord, make it your prayer. Like this is what I
want. I want this. And so I want to put this before you because I believe I'm coming to a point of
clarity in even voicing this. And so God's like, okay, finally, finally, something that you said,
I can start working with because when you start declaring it, he's like, okay, let me help you
understand how to bring that to fruition, how to bring that about in your life,
because it's tied to what he's already placed inside of you to bring out.
And let's just face it, friends. So many people, most people have had such bad examples and bad
teaching on marriage and what marriage is and, you know, what you should know before you get
into marriage, especially Christians. It's like, oh, you're a young kid, you have lust for someone,
you better marry them. You know, you better turn or burn kind of thing. Right. And so,
so many people find themselves in relationships that they don't belong in. They should have never
been in. They didn't have good teaching on what to look for in a life partner. To me, it's the
equivalent of going to college right out of high school when you're only 18 years old and you have
to, you know, put 70 to a hundred thousand dollars down on a future that you're really not even that
sure about. Right. It's dumb. And so, so many people have had those experiences with marriage.
And so, because of that, a lot of people are divorced. A lot of people are divorced. And so,
do you think that God's just like, oh, you don't get a do-over. Sorry. Too bad for you. Come on,
y'all. Is that the God that any of us know? And I'm not just saying that emotionally. I do a whole
teaching on divorce and remarriage straight from the word. And I'm not a theologian, but it is
signed off on by theologians. Right. Some of the best theologians that you've ever probably seen
have signed off on that teaching and it is accurate. It is true. It is biblical.
Yeah. And I want to say this, that, you know, it may sound like a few.
If you listen to tonight's thing,
if you listen to a lot of the discussions
around in our community, we talk a lot about divorce
because it's prevalent.
It happens all the time.
Are we saying that divorce is great?
Of course not.
Divorce is damaging, it's destructive.
It's one of the most difficult, challenging, horrible
and heart-wrenching things
that any one person can go through.
Of course it is those things.
This is why God says, man, I hate that when that happens.
He's not condemning you with his word saying,
I hate you because you got divorced.
He's saying, I hate it when a covenant has been made
and then that covenant has been broken
because covenant is so intertwined
with who God is and what he does.
If it even was a covenant.
Yes, and so that's what we're saying
was just like, look, divorce is happening,
whether you like it or not to people.
And this is where people are at.
And so we're dealing with this issue.
I wanna say something super offensive right now.
Divorce was God's idea.
It was.
It's God's idea.
It just didn't come out of nowhere.
It was God's idea.
God's the one that came up with divorce
and he's the one that gave Moses the instructions
to help women get divorced back in those days.
You wanna know why?
Because God hates abuse.
He hates neglect.
He hates abandonment.
He hates broken promises and broken covenants.
And that's what was happening back in those days.
Men were seeing a younger, newer model
and they were walking out of their houses
because back in the day, all you had to do
is walk out of your house and shut the door
and that meant you were divorced.
And that woman was left in destitution
where she would be poor, impoverished,
not able to do anything except maybe prostitute herself.
If she had some sons to work the land,
then maybe she could do that.
But guess what?
If that man didn't work out with a new woman
or didn't find whatever it was he wanted,
he could come back anytime he wanted to
and reclaim that home and that land
and those children and that woman for himself.
And that meant that when he left,
no one was gonna touch her with a 10 foot pole.
She could never ever have another partner
because she was still the property of some man
and not anymore.
That's what the divorce decree was for.
It basically was a deed saying that this woman
was free to move on and that man could never come back
and claim her as his own again.
And so other people were able to remarry her.
And so why?
Because God hates abuse.
He hates abandonment.
He hates neglect.
He didn't want women to be taken advantage of like this.
And you guys, it was only women
that that was happening to.
And so for those of you ladies that are here
in your divorce, gentlemen, you as well,
because I know that a lot of men have been abused as well,
so I'm not downplaying you at all,
but I just wanna tell you this.
God created divorce to keep you
from having to live a life of abuse,
neglect and abandonment.
It wasn't a divorce, it was a rescue mission.
And that's the bottom line.
And gentlemen, for those of you that were abused
and cheated on and all the things, same.
Okay, so we have to stop thinking
that God is this rule maker.
God loves his children more than he loves his rules.
And all of his real rules,
they come back to protecting us
and helping give us the best life
that we could possibly have.
That's what they're for.
They're really boundaries to keep us in the kingdom
and keep us from going outside the lines
into things that would be destructive for us.
Make sense?
So, okay.
You guys, I'm not just saying that because I'm divorced
because I was fully willing to never remarry
if that was the case.
Seriously, it's not about that.
It's not convenient for me to teach this.
I'm teaching it because it's true.
All right, Heidi, you're up.
Hi, thank you.
I'm so glad you're feeling better, Jackie.
So, I live in the Midwest
in the middle of smack dab rural area, I love it.
I travel two hours for work,
but my challenge has been to find
that nobody that I have found
is willing to be inconvenienced
within a quote, long distance.
I mean, people don't wanna drive across town
because they're inconvenienced.
So, the challenge and the struggle is real.
Anything that costs you, like David said in Kings,
anything that is worth having will cost.
And so, yeah, the struggle.
And so, I'm feeling that.
I did some online dating years ago
and I've done all the volunteer looking
and I'm very much a secure attachment.
And to find someone that is willing to journey in that.
journey is very few and far.
So you're saying that it's trying to find someone
who wants to move out to the middle of nowhere with you?
No, I'm not saying to move.
I am absolutely willing to journey and to go that,
to journey into courting and to find,
but I have not found not very few
that I would be willing to date or court
that are willing to do an online or to do a long distance.
And around me, I have found no one.
Okay, so, okay, I hear your question now.
So here's the thing, you just haven't met them yet.
It doesn't mean they don't know this.
And some of the people that are here
that have been here for a while,
they have seen story after story, right along with us,
of people that were in isolated areas,
people that had no choice but long distance,
people that live in areas
where there's just really no other Christians,
like Perth, Australia, different.
And we've had success story after success story
after success story, you know,
people that have not just abusive,
but psycho former spouses.
And who in the world wants to get married to someone
who they're gonna have to deal with that person?
I remember this one woman, she was like,
no one's gonna deal with my former husband.
No one's gonna deal with him.
He's violent.
He's crazy.
He's this, he's that, blah, blah, blah.
And she was a Canadian.
So she was like, these are the laws here.
50-50 custody.
It doesn't matter how abusive he is.
They're never gonna take custody away from him.
Guess what?
She has a love story.
She has a love story, he is able.
So I want you to just go ahead and internalize that.
You know, you're fairly new
because I don't recognize you, right?
And so, I mean, I've seen you maybe once before.
So just give it a minute.
I promise you that, you know,
whether it's long distance or God might surprise you,
there might be some love story right under your nose
and you don't even realize it.
New people move into areas all the time.
And then we can't possibly,
you guys, if you wanna do an activity
that will build your hope,
I want you to go Google the population
of the place that you live.
And then I want you to look at that number
because it's gonna be more than one, right?
I want you to look at that number
and I want you to go ahead and say out loud,
there's gotta be one marriage-minded,
if you're a woman, say there's gotta be
one mature marriage-minded,
one masculine, mature marriage-minded man in this number
that would be interested in me.
And then gentlemen, same thing, right?
Because you guys, the math doesn't lie, okay?
The odds are actually in your favor.
They are.
Yeah, talking about odds, you know-
We moved to the next door to each other.
Yeah.
But at the same time, we've seen enough stories
in this movement alone that you can't deny.
It's like, oh, you know what?
Online dating doesn't work,
but still like a third of the people that meet
that actually are getting married are like meeting online.
I'm like, oh, okay, well then I guess that's not true.
And you and I figured out after we met
and after we fell in love and got married
that you and I had been ships passing in the night
for years.
Absolutely.
Years, you guys.
We know so many people that I knew and that she knew,
but we just didn't know each other.
And we both went to charismatic
kind of Pentecostal type of churches-
For years.
That still had Sunday night service.
And after Sunday night service, as we all know,
good Pentecostals go out and eat a bunch of fried food
before they go to bed.
And so we have been at the same restaurants for years.
At the same time, nine, 10 o'clock at night
on a Sunday night, we've been at Applebee's together.
We've been at Cooker's together.
We've been at those places together
on the same side of town, same restaurants.
I would go into those places and see,
and we'd be like, those are all the World Harvest people.
I remember saying that to the people that I was with,
and he was one of them.
And the thing about it is,
we do not have any recollection of ever meeting each other.
Like, I can't say like, oh, I saw you one time.
Like, no.
No, and it's good that we did.
We were married to other people.
Well, yeah.
And so, of course,
that is saying that you never know.
The love story that God has for you
could be someone who's just right under your nose,
or someone that you've known in the past.
A love story came in the other day
of a guy looked her up on Facebook
that went to elementary school with her,
and she didn't really know him that well,
wasn't friends with him necessarily,
but looked her up and they got married, right?
And so you never know what might happen, friends.
You just gotta be open.
All right, so girl, you know I can't say your name,
so just help me.
You're good at that.
How do you sound it out?
That's fine.
Wait, wait, let David try.
Oluwabasalami.
Yeah.
I can't sound anything out to save my life,
but he's so good at it.
All right, what do you got?
Yes, I like the hat.
How do I place an healthy boundary
between myself and a guy who actually wants to be more?
more than friends with me.
But I told him that I would be comfortable
to being just friends right now
and using endearing words, speaking to me.
So how do I like politely tell him
that I do not appreciate that and I can't.
Okay, so you're in kind of a friendship relationship.
He wants more.
You told him, no, I only want friends.
And now he's trying to kind of like woo you.
Is that what you're saying?
Yeah, I feel like we just met.
Yeah, so we just met.
And yeah, I don't think I know him so well
to like be in a relationship, so to say.
And you made that clear, right?
You're like, hey, put the brakes on.
I just wanna get to know you right now.
You made that clear?
Yeah.
Okay, so what we have here is someone
who doesn't respect other people's boundaries.
So gentlemen and ladies, listen up.
But guys, even more, if you like a woman,
you're attracted to a woman and she kind of pulls back
or maybe friend zones you a little bit
or isn't enthusiastic about taking it to the next level,
that is not code for try harder.
Yeah.
It's not code for try harder
because what that looks like is now
you are walking all over someone's no.
Someone has said no to you
and you're not listening to that no, right?
And that should be a turnoff.
Now, some people are like, oh, that's so romantic.
What?
That's not romantic.
And I know that we hear all kinds of love songs
and we watch all kinds of movies that have these themes,
right?
They have these tropes, so to speak,
and it seems like it is romantic, but it's not.
And that's what's wrong with us.
We have all this dysfunctional romantic fodder in our fire
and we don't want that anymore.
And so what I would do is I would just let them know,
hey, if you can't respect my boundary here
for us to just be friends
because we barely know each other
and not be calling me dear or sweetie
or telling me I'm beautiful or whatever,
then we're not going to talk anymore.
Thank you.
Yeah.
And then go get a big gun.
No, stop.
And show him.
This is why he's not allowed to be here.
Okay.
I like guns, by the way, so.
Oh, there you go.
Okay, good.
All right, I want to, guys, we have to,
I want to popcorn through these.
Okay, so next, Crystal.
Yes, it is so fun having David on tonight.
I agree.
Look at, he got so much sun and he was barely outside.
Crystal.
Yeah, you got a little sunburn, baby.
Who's next?
Crystal Sempters.
Gotta unmute yourself.
Hey, Jackie.
Sorry, I just realized.
You did, but Renee was responding to me,
but I've been in phase two for about three weeks now
and I haven't gotten any dates.
I've chatted with several guys.
I'm on Facebook, dating, and Bumble.
So it's a little discouraging,
but I'm trying to tell myself that, you know,
it's not my spirit mate.
It's not God's will if I haven't had a date yet.
So just struggling a little.
All right, well, let me tell you what to do.
And if this is for everyone,
this is a good question, Crystal.
Sorry, it's raining really hard.
So I'm gonna talk really loud.
This is for everybody.
And this is with everything in your life, okay?
And I used to do this when I was younger
in different areas of my life.
But if you're pushing and pushing and pushing
against something and it's not giving,
then it's best to take your hands off that
and go do something else for a while, okay?
And I don't mean leave the community and, you know,
go off the apps.
All I mean is, is that a watch pot
doesn't always boil, right?
It's important that we understand that
if something's not flowing, that's okay.
We don't have to sit there and just, you know,
strive and lose our peace and drive ourselves nuts
wondering why.
We can just go work on something else.
Do something else that brings us joy.
Do something else that we enjoy, right?
And so that would be what I wanna tell you to do.
So if the app's not working for you right now,
where do you live at?
Crystal, where do you live?
I'm in Kentucky.
Okay, so-
And so it's so spontaneous,
like I won't have any responses.
And then the next day I'll have like, you know,
five or six people that'll respond.
So I think-
It is raining here, you guys.
So what I was gonna say is Kentucky is already warm out.
It's warm in Kentucky.
And so get outside, you know,
go find some groups to hang out with and do things with,
you know, go do something that you enjoy
that other people enjoy that might be single as well.
You guys change.
it up, don't be afraid to change it up. It's okay to be on the apps in the
wintertime when there's no one outside and no one's doing anything, but we're
shifting seasons now. And it's important for you to get out there and meet people
in person. Get a wing woman, get a wing man, go out, have fun, meet people in
real time and in person. Okay? Find events in your area that other singles
might be at other Christian singles might be at. Find things to do. And, and
see if you meet people organically that way as well. And remember, enjoy your
one and only life. Don't start fretting and getting upset about something. Just
understand that it is going to happen and you're doing your part. But if you
didn't see crystal, what I, what I said the other night, um, on supernatural on
Sunday night, on Sunday night activation, um, your love story is supernatural. And
so yes, you do your part, but God also has to do his part. Okay. All right. So
be encouraged. Okay. Jackie Perry, you guys are going to have to go quick here.
Yes.
Okay. So I have four kids, um, 14, 11 or 14, 12, nine and four. And so my question
is, um, I'm a homeschooling, stay at home mom. That's my job. So when guys ask,
I'm like at the gym or whatever else, what do you do or on apps? Um, I, it's
hard for me to answer that because yeah. And then my other part of that question
is on the dating apps. Do I put down that I have for kids? How are you
financially able to stay home with your kids and homeschool them because of
former husband's money? Um, well, I have some child support and alimony coming
in, but then I also work at my homeschooling tutorial one day a week.
So, um, what does that mean? So it's a, it's a homeschooling tutorial and I
teach seventh grade one day a week and I get a thousand dollars per student.
So you're, you're a teacher and that's what you call yourself when people ask
what you do. That's what I was trying to get after you're a teacher. So you're a
teacher, whether you're teaching your students, you're teaching your own kids,
you're a teacher, that's what you do. And you've made a living at it. And so now
you're a teacher. So if someone asks what you do, you say, I'm a co-op teacher.
That's what I do.
Okay. And then on the dating apps, do I put that? I have four kids because I just
put on a mom, but then as soon as they start talking and ask how many kids do
you, it's like,
controversial and people don't like my answer, but here's the thing. I don't
want to, I don't want you guys to put a lot of stuff about your children on apps.
These are complete strangers that are on apps. And I know that this sounds bad
and I'm not trying to make you scared, but there are people that are trolling
apps for people who have children. Okay. And so I don't think that it's
important for you to put a bunch of information about your kids until you
get to know this person. And you know that they basically deserve that level
of information about your family.
Yeah, that's good advice because just being a mom says that you have kids
doesn't matter where you have one or four kids. You're a mom for sure.
Yeah. So you don't have to say anything more about it. And once again, as you're
getting to know that person, you know, get to know them before you talk about
your children and their ages and all the things, you know, you don't have to
go into depth about your kids until you know this safe person that you want to
have information about your family.
Yeah, they should be wanting to know you.
Yeah. Okay. Thank you. You're welcome. Okay. Evangeline.
Hey, Jackie. Glad you're feeling better. Um, yeah. So some context two years ago,
I liked this guy. And I pretty much told him that, like, hey, I like you. And for
additional context, we were friends. And after I told him, he was like, yeah, like,
let's give it a chance. So we went out for a date. And I think my anxious
attachment style and that season like really got to me. So after that one day, I
was like, I want on DTR, like, I want to be exclusive. And I think that scared him
away. So he was like, Oh, no, like, I'm just interested as a friend. Like, let's
just be friends. So that was two years ago. And then this past weekend, him and
another friend came over, we had like dinner. And he came over, and then he like
said some things he was like, Oh, like evangeline, like you've changed, you feel
more present. And to give additional context, like he started sharing some
stuff with that's going on his life to me and my other friend Christine. And
after he left my place, he called me back by didn't pick up. He called me
around 12. And he he just basically texted he was like, did I was I being too
real? Like, was that too much? And I was like, No, like, I'm glad you were able to
up to your friend and what I'm debating right now is I'm in a group chat with
him and Christine and they're like oh we should go get sushi on Friday and this
was one of the place that like I had originally wanted to go two years ago
with him and I think for me I'm a little bit even like hesitant to engage in
friendship because I do know that like previous feelings my surface and I so
let me get this straight you're the one that pulled away and kind of like made
it friends right no no no he pulled away okay and so now he's trying to re like
oh you change you seem more present now you're in a group app and now you're
going to go on a group date it's a group date right it's a good date yeah okay
so a place that you she went to a place that you were kind of fantasizing about
going on a date date yes yes all right we got it we're caught up so who's the
other girl she's single too the girl is single but we all know who she likes
thanks Mike him no no not him okay then then it's safe so he's definitely did he
invite both of you to go yeah okay so what he's doing is he's giving himself a
buffer right did he know you used to like him he he did he did okay so he's
because we went out we went on a date right so he's buffering so he's buffering
so that you know doesn't send the wrong message so after this group date I would
go on the group date okay and be yourself and have fun and show him this
present version of yourself that he seems to think that you're so different
now and then after he gets that buffer date if he feels comfortable he'll ask
you out like as you know a one-on-one and if he doesn't then you can just move
on right just put him in your little friend corner and just move on but he
definitely is buffering all right thank you Jackie okay so and I have someone I
want to introduce you to so keep your dance card open all right I just met of
Angeline in San Francisco at an event that I spoke at matchmaker event super
fun right so we're gonna popcorn here Kim and then Mary and then Lydia and
then Sarah and then done I've got to go fast so you guys know backstory just the
question okay we'll figure out the best how do you know how do you know if they
just want to be pen pals or want something serious so if they're just
constantly like hey how are you how is your day hey how are you you know it's
talking about that no I mean we met up once he's been busy since then every
weekend but he's messaging me every day like every couple hours every day is it
local or what an hour away okay well it sounds like he definitely likes your
presence in his life and you met up once how long have you been talking
every single day like two and a half weeks okay so I think it's fair for you
to say hey you know what's going on here it's fair for you just to say hey you
know we had if you did have fun hanging out that one time say hey I had a good
time when we hung out you know I enjoy you know I enjoy talking you
communicating with you but like where do you see this going he wanted he wanted
an answer like right that day do you want to see me again you know and I'm
like I don't know like I have to process this and think about it you know oh then
we've been messaging so then I put it out there you know how about seeing
each other this weekend he's like oh I promised my son I'd help him put a
porch on or whatever you know so it's like and then the one day that we had
lunch he's like something about his son he said he started to say and he split
like in 45 minutes of us we ate lunch and that was that and he said something
about his son like I don't know if he had to run to do something with his son
then okay so it kind of goes back to the kids thing too I don't know how much
well you're never gonna sign is gonna be an issue well you're never gonna know
until you get to know him and it sounds like you were the person that wasn't
sure at first and so now you kind of just you know now you got to put it out
there because if after talking to him you are and you're not just bored and
like okay I'll pick this guy so if you really do want to get to know him better
then you need to make that clear hey I'd like to get to know you better in
order to do that we would need to spend more time with each other are you
interested in that well and only do it if you really want it and not because
you're not just because there's nobody else right now so make sure that you
really want to do that all right Mary what do you like still on the fence
about it because I want to be I want to see him in person again you know well
that's the thing that's what I'm saying is you're gonna say to him hey you know
we need to spend more time together if we're gonna get to know each other right
right great awesome thanks Kim
Mary, what do you have?
Okay, in the most recent situation,
I feel like I sabotaged it because I wasn't,
I didn't feel peace about talking to somebody
who was in the middle of the whole divorce thing
because the counsel that I got
was that it would be adultery
and that as Christians, we're supposed to follow the law
and that's what I was told.
So like, I have a really hard time,
like, do you have advice for someone who's,
I mean, because like, I'm really into the Bible,
obviously a lot of us are.
So like, it's kind of hard to reconcile.
But you're into your version of the Bible, all right?
You're into your version of the Bible.
Y'all, you can read the Bible
and you can make it mean whatever you want it to mean,
but it doesn't mean that it means that.
It's really important that we understand that, okay?
And so Mary, you keep getting in your own way
with whoever you're around that gives you religious advice.
Do I think that we should talk to everyone
who doesn't have a piece of paper
from the United States government that says they're divorced?
Is that God's piece of paper?
No, and God doesn't say anything about that in his word.
Once again, contracts, covenants, covenants are broken
when there's abuse, covenants are broken
when there's abandonment, when there's adultery,
covenants are broken.
That person may not be divorced by the United States,
but they are divorced, okay?
And so the only danger with being in a relationship
with someone that is separated
is that they may get back together with their former spouse.
There might be reconciliation and guess what?
You're in the way of it.
Or they haven't done any work yet
and you're a massive rebound.
They're trying again with no new healing
and no new information.
And so those are all scenarios
in which we wouldn't even want to talk to someone
who is going through a process like that.
I can tell you right now that David and I helped each other
at the very end of our processes.
We helped each other with our children.
We helped each other with a lot of different things.
God really, he healed a lot of things in our lives
and in our past through each other.
And I'm very thankful that we met each other
at the time that we met each other.
Because I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt, y'all,
that had I not met David,
I was right about to get out of my apartment lease.
It was over and I was about to move
because I really couldn't afford to live there
as a single mom.
It was expensive.
It was like a townhouse.
It was $2,100 a month.
That was a lot of money back then.
And I didn't.
I re-signed it and I was like,
God, you're just gonna have to help me pay it.
A month later, David moved in next door.
And then of course, four months helping each other,
co-parenting, carpooling, and then dating each other
and then getting married.
I will tell you, had it not been for him moving in next door
I may have actually gotten back together
with my former husband for like a few more years.
For another round.
For another round of crazy.
I actually may have done that
because I was so manipulated by religion back then.
I was so manipulated by the people that were like,
doesn't matter how abusive it is,
you gotta stay in this marriage
because that's what God would want, right?
I almost lost my life several times in that marriage.
And I know that God sent this man,
not to talk me out of getting back together,
but so that I didn't try to jump back into something
because of spiritual manipulation.
Let me say this.
One thing, you know, when you go to,
because I did go to marriage counseling several times.
Me too.
You did too.
But one of the things that they say first upfront,
marriage counselor, a good counselor will always say,
hey, do you guys want to work on this relation,
your marriage that you're having trouble with,
go for it, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And the answer had better be from both persons, yes.
Because the counselor can do no good
if one or both of the people
do not want to work on the relationship.
I mean, it's just like point,
like we could spend money and time and sit here and talk,
but if one of you or both of you
aren't interested in reconciliation
and what you've come to have counseling about,
like it makes no sense.
So like, I don't know why I said that,
but it just seemed like it made sense.
No, yeah, it makes sense.
Someone's asking about the single city events.
So you guys, when the app is up,
all the single cities are going to be listed there.
Right now they're on Facebook.
So you can search for the one in your area.
There might not be one in your area,
but also in your guide section,
is that where it is still Cheryl?
There should be a list of them and links
where you can just click and join in phase three.
Phase three, I think has that.
So if one of you admins can answer in there,
yes, please release the app in Jesus name.
Jackie Crozi, you're up.
What do you got?
Sorry, thank you.
I know you've talked earlier about it,
but I just want like a little more insight
about when your child is very resistant to be dating
and gets to the point of trying to play husband.
You know what I mean?
Every time I go on a date with my boyfriend,
it's like, oh, I want to control what time, what you do.
How do I navigate that, especially when, you know, it is what it is, you know, he's, he's
been filtered through my friends, my pastor, and met a lot of people who treat me well.
So I just want to know, like, how do I navigate that?
No way.
Well, you know, it's still a fairly new relationship, because you're new to this program.
And I know that you weren't in relationship with him before you came into this program.
So it's new.
And so first of all, we have to give grace, truth and time, we have to give space for
our children to get ready for us to be in relationship.
And so we have to care about their feelings, care about, you know, their fears, we have
to be making them feel secure.
My husband didn't just say, you know, go to bed, Jaron, you know, and sit with me, he
went up, he spent time with his son, he prayed for his son, he did the things that he needed
to do in those moments to calm his little 11 year old boys fears that he lost his mom.
And now he was losing his dad to some woman that left live next door that he wasn't really
sure about yet, right?
It's the both ends.
So we have to, we have to make sure that our kids are our primary responsibility.
They're your primary responsibility.
So don't neglect your children's needs, even emotionally in this process.
Because you know, we're excited and having fun with a new friends or a new boyfriend
or girlfriend.
All right, Sarah, you're up.
Thank you.
So I have a question about how to do the attachment side of beginning dating healthy because I
notice in my friendships, I'm secure, but in dating, I'm a lot more anxious, a lot more.
And I've been seeing this great guy for not long, we were friends before I dropped the
hanky and he said yes, he wanted to go out.
And so we've only been going out on dates for like a week, but he's on the same page
about like, and we haven't had a DTR or anything like that.
Like I put, I'm like, absolutely not, it's too soon.
I don't want that yet.
I just want to enjoy dating this guy.
How do I go about attaching and making sure we're doing that healthily?
Because I don't think he's necessarily-
First of all, you said that you have, you feel like you have secure attachment in platonic
relationships, but when it comes to romantic relationships, you get anxious.
And so there's something there, right?
Because you guys, I say this in the heart works, I'm going to say it again.
How we do one thing is not how we do everything.
That quote is a lie, right?
How you do one thing is not how you do everything because not everything's attached to the same
part of your heart.
And we all have different places in our heart that have been traumatized differently.
And so the first thing you need to do is get with Holy Spirit and find out why you become
anxious in romantic relationship, when there's the possibility of romantic relationship and
rejection or even acceptance.
Why do you become anxious?
And so that's going to be the answer in which we build off of.
Wherever that's rooted, that's where we're going to have to, when you find out the answer
to that, that's how we're going to navigate what the answer to your question.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Awesome.
And Lydia, you had your hand up, but I think you gave up.
Do you want to go ahead and ask your question?
Lydia, Lydia, Lydia.
She's looking for her.
There she is.
I actually didn't have my hand up, but.
Oh, you didn't?
Okay.
Well, do you have a question?
Maybe it's prophetic.
Um, well, cause I'm still like pretty early in phase two.
So just starting some of the dating and just a pattern and part of it's just the app that
I'm on.
Like I'm matching more with guys who don't live near me than the ones who do.
And it might just be, I need to branch out more, try some of the other apps.
It just, it seems easier to get matches with people who don't live near me.
Well, and you can also set your, you can set your distance.
So if you want to meet more people near you, you can set your distance smaller depending
on what app you're on.
And so, um, yeah, listen, friends, if you are not ready for long distance, because it's,
it's not easy, it's worth it, but it's not easy.
And so if you're not ready for that, then make sure that you're on an app that lets
you set your range to how far away that person would be.
Because the last thing that you want to do is get into a long distance relationship that
you can't sustain.
And for those of you that are single parents and you have a shared parenting agreement
and you cannot move long distance, probably is not your best bet right out of the gate.
Why don't you try local first and then let's go from there.
Right.
Thank you guys so much.
We appreciate all of you.
Thanks for coming tonight and we'll see you soon.
Bye.