Okay, so we are in phase two, and it's our weekly check-in.
My name is Renee Rizzo.
I'm part of the leadership team here.
And bonus, I'm in the middle of a level three relationship, so I get to share my sagas with
you guys.
So you realize it's not easy.
Jackie always says, it's not easy, but it's worth it.
I'm here to tell you that's true.
And so I get to share all my foibles.
At the same time, we're talking about that.
So some of you may be here that are new to phase two.
We have a really good time here.
If you're just joining us, we had 55 women come into phase two this past week.
So we have a lot of new women that are coming in.
We've had some that have moved on.
And my only request is that you show up and you be present, you be willing to be vulnerable
and ask your questions, share your wins.
And this is like group coaching at its best.
This time is for you.
Father God, we just thank you so much that Jackie and David, that you put this dream
into Jackie and David, for them to create this ministry and even hold sacred safe space
where women can come together and grow and learn and understand who you've called us
to be so that we can show up to be our most authentic self.
Because you write our love story and match us with the person that you have designed
for us.
Knowing that, Father God, you probably have more than one option for us because you want
us to be able to choose.
And so may it be so, and may we become all that you've asked us to be in Jesus name.
Amen.
Okay.
So we always start with housekeeping.
So if you are new to phase two, anybody here for the first time, raise your avatar hand
if you are here for the first time.
Nobody?
Okay.
Rachel, Rachel, you are new.
I love it.
All right.
Brittany, you're new.
Okay.
So here's kind of the rules of engagement and how we like to hang out and partay on Tuesday.
I'm going to make sure I mute you.
Yeah, something's wrong with your laptop.
Your laptop sucks.
It's not working.
I'm trying to mute you.
Why can't I mute you?
Oh, no.
Dawn, I need...
Oh, there you go.
Okay.
Dawn was having computer issues.
It's all good.
Grace abounds here too.
Okay.
I love it.
You guys are amazing people.
So usually what happens in phase two...
Now, I know in phase one, if you're with Bethany, technically, she would do teaching, breakouts,
come back together.
When Jackie or I lead, we tend to keep you guys all together.
It's usually a small enough group.
I feel like you guys ask really good questions and I want everybody to hear the answers.
So we're all kind of learning the same thing.
I will usually teach and go over some notes based on what you guys are sharing in the
roll call.
So if you have an issue that's going on, make sure you write about it in the roll call question.
And so we kind of summarize it.
And then I hold the floor for you guys to ask any question you want.
I will warn you, sometimes we go really late here on Tuesday nights.
And so if you need to hop off, get off and go to bed and do what you need to do, and
you can always watch the rest of it in replay.
I just always want everyone to feel like if they've got a question that I will hold space
to let them ask it.
And believe it or not, you guys, if you have no questions, you've not watched any of the
videos, always feel like you can show up and hold space here.
You will learn a lot by listening to other people.
And sometimes you'll learn a lot about yourself.
Like it's like, you know, when you go see a therapist, you can tell a therapist exactly
what you think they want to hear.
But like when you're in like a group session or like a recovery meeting, you watch someone
else behave the same way you do.
And you're like, wow, that's what that looks like.
Like I need to work on that.
And so you can't, you know, it just it teaches you something that's even in my opinion, bigger
than just one on one coaching.
So it's a great space for you guys to be raw, be real.
Whenever it's a co-ed event, you know, we want you to look your camera best here on
Tuesday nights.
You can look as scrappy as you need to.
It is all good.
I just came from the gym.
So I look pretty scrappy right now.
I pretty sure I have no makeup left on my face, but normally I look cute, not tonight.
And so we're going to have fun.
And anyway, let me get right to it.
So if you had a chance to remember, let me just remember, there's like five main videos
for phase two.
The ideal is to watch one a week, watch it, pray about it, journal and ask God how he
wants you to activate it.
Love story accelerator, dating 101, online dating, boundaries, divine feminine.
I did not say that in the correct order.
But I believe all of those teachings can help you with all of your relationships, not just
your dating relationships.
I keep saying it, but it's true.
You want to practice being divine feminine and you want to practice healthy relationships
with platonic relationships first, before you.
at all the hormones in there and getting hot and bothered.
So you wanna make sure that you know
how to master all of that.
And the Lord is gonna have you in and out of dating seasons.
And so you wanna make sure that you can use
what we're teaching you in all of your love stories,
even if it's a love story with your family
and your friends.
Okay, so Supernatural Saturday.
Bethany wanted me to kind of remind you a little bit,
if you have not watched the Supernatural Saturday
that Jackie started and then Bethany finished,
make sure you go ahead and do that.
Those are always super powerful.
And so the five bullet points,
Bethany wanted me to remind you that got brought up
is prepare for the promised land.
A lot of times, like I wanna say this to you,
like picture right now,
if your man showed up today and put a ring on your finger,
does your car look like you want it to look like?
Does your home look like you want it to look like?
Does your bank account look like you want it to look like?
Does your body look like you want it to look like?
All of the things, like is your house in order?
Is your land prepared?
Is your home prepared?
And so it's really important for you to prepare the land,
prepare your home, prepare your car,
prepare your heart, prepare your mind.
In all of the ways are you preparing for the promised land?
You would never want like everything to fall on your lap
and you'd be like, oh my gosh, I'm not prepared for this.
I'm not prepared for this abundance.
So you wanna make sure you're prepared.
Two, remember God.
You guys, we never want to want our person,
want a weight loss, want a job.
We never want a thing or someone more than we want God.
God always needs, remember God is really clear.
He's a jealous God.
He does not like other idols.
And I always loved this phrase,
you know what your idol is, I-O-D, I-D-O-L,
when you think about where your mind goes
when you're idle, I-D-L-E.
So where your mind goes when you're idle
is probably your idol.
So if you're obsessing over your dating life
and who you might be dating, has he become your idol?
Has that become your idol?
So we wanna make sure that God's always your main focus.
Do not accept the counterfeit.
I don't know about y'all,
but like I always used to say after so many bad dates,
like I do not want to get lost in any more Ishmaels.
I wanna find my Isaac.
Like it's important for me to find my Isaac.
I want to find the person that God has for me
and I don't wanna settle.
And you guys, right before I found Rick and Rick found me,
I really thought I was gonna have to get ready to settle
for some, like maybe not an Ishmael, but like an Isaac 2.0.
Like he's good enough.
It's good enough.
And I felt like the Lord was like, no,
you just hold out, girl.
You just hold out.
And I know y'all,
there were times Jackie thought I was being
super picky, miss picky.
She's like, really?
Why did you dump that guy?
Really?
Why?
Are you sure?
Are you sure you didn't give him a chance?
And I'm like, no, I just, no.
And I am sure there was a while there.
I looked like I was being super stinking picky,
but I just did not have perfect God's perfect peace about it.
And anybody else.
And so I feel good that I held out.
Ooh, remember not to defile the land.
And so you wanna make sure, again,
you take care of your body.
You take care of your health.
You wanna make sure that you speak well of others.
You guys, sometimes it's a blessing to be in this community.
I'll tell you what,
we have probably a thousand women in this community.
Y'all know what it's like when a thousand women
get in the same place, right?
Like with the comparison train could go down.
It could be petty comparison.
You know, I'm kind of like Tom Hanks in the, you know,
oh my gosh, what was the movie?
When he said, there's no crying in baseball.
That's kind of me.
I'm kind of like Tom Hanks, there's no crying in baseball.
And a lot of times when a lot of chicks
get in the same room together,
it can get like really negative.
And I'm really proud of the fact that this ministry,
I think it's because we do pray every single day.
We have holy protection around it.
So you just wanna make sure that you are treating
the other sisters with kindness,
you don't wanna compare, you don't wanna compete.
You wanna make sure you cover and protect
and celebrate one another.
Number five, we all have to prune something,
sometimes even good things.
So I don't know about you,
but pruning the bad stuff is always the easy part, right?
Like if you clean your house and you wanna declutter it,
it's really easy to get rid of the garbage and the crap.
The harder part is to get rid of the things that you like,
but you don't love, right?
Those are gonna be the harder things.
And so as you're looking at your time and your resources,
some of the things that God's gonna...
and ask you to lay down,
are things that have served you really well in the past.
And it's okay that they served you well.
It's just that they,
they're not things that God wants you to take with you.
Now, a lot of you are new and you don't know this,
but I ran an, I was in the corporate world,
then I was in full-time church ministry,
and then I ran a faith-based nonprofit for nearly 20 years.
And I laid that down a few years ago.
I kind of took a time off.
I've been doing consulting work
and coaching for small businesses and nonprofits.
Finished, I published a book,
and now I'm in seminary school,
and I'm just figuring it all out.
Like, I feel like I'm a kid again.
Figuring it all out, what God has next for me.
And God has had me lay down so many things
from that nonprofit that I didn't,
had I known he was gonna ask me to lay those things down,
I wouldn't have done it.
Because I can tell you at 55, it's really scary.
Some of the friendships, some of the people,
some of the relationships, and the identity.
I mean, Hope Clinic was my baby.
I've not been married and I don't have kids.
And so I feel like that nonprofit became my husband
and my children all at the same time.
And I've just really had to unpack
what my identity in Christ looks like
when I'm not president of a company
and known in this city for that position.
And when I'm not saving babies and raising all this money.
It's been a really humbling experience to go,
do I trust who God says I am just because he created me
and not because of the stuff that I'm doing?
So for some of you, I don't normally share this story.
So somebody needs to hear this.
Somebody is super performance-driven here.
And it may have been you were performing as a mom,
you were performing as a sister.
It doesn't have to mean you were performing
out in the corporate world.
It just means you've been like a hamster running a race,
trying to prove to everybody how amazing you are.
And if you just serve enough people
and you do enough good, you will find your value and purpose.
And God just wants you to know,
he loves you just the way that you are.
Loves you just the way that you are.
Yeah.
Okay.
So that's what I wanted to tell you about that.
That was just a little rabbit trail.
Okie dokie.
I already welcomed the new people.
We're so excited that you're here.
Remember in these phases, you get what you put into it.
And so we wanna make sure that you answer in the roll call.
If you have questions, comments, celebrations, confusions,
make sure that you put in the feed.
If you are venturing out there dating
and you're willing to create an online dating app,
a lot of you are posting your photos, your bio,
and you're letting your sisters critique
and tell you which photos to put first,
which ones to switch it out to.
And so I'm not gonna retell you
if you've not gotten to the online dating video,
I think that's the third one.
And you're like, there's no way I'm gonna go back
to the online dating world.
Wait till you get to that video, no rush.
And you guys, let me just remind you,
people always ask me this, how do you meet people?
Here's the first thing I will tell you.
We believe as you finish the heart work,
which many of you did, right?
You're here now.
That God has highlighted,
he's gonna highlight you in a way
that you've not been highlighted before.
He is gonna defend you
and you're gonna let him defend you
in a way you've never let him defend you before.
A lot of us have been very self-defended
because we've had to take care of ourselves.
So you are gonna get back out there in the world,
God defended with a light shining on you.
You're gonna have a supernatural glow.
So that just already makes you different.
So how do you meet people?
Besides online, most cities have what's called
meetup groups.
You can actually just Google it,
local meetup groups for singles.
They do adventures.
I think in Nashville, there's a meetup group
and there's something called adventures and something.
And so you can do those things.
You can find church single events to do.
It doesn't even have to be your church.
There are lots of churches around
doing single events right now.
Go to the golf course and just rent a bucket of balls
and a thing of golf clubs.
Go to, if you don't like to drink,
but go to like a sports bar during the day
when the hockey games,
like I think it's hockey season now, right?
And so go watch a game with a girlfriend, go bowling,
go buy your brother-in-law or your dad
something from Bass Pro Shop.
Like think, where are the men?
Go volunteer in your city.
We have a thing called Hands on Nashville here
and you can sign up and do volunteer activities
for just about any nonprofit on the weekends.
Do something like Habitat for Humanity.
Again, pick a volunteer gig that's gonna bring out dudes.
Dudes usually like to help fix houses.
They do like to serve the homeless.
They like to do the bags of groceries for families.
And so, you know, men like to do the manly stuff.
So go find a volunteer gig to do that.
then I would just say, make sure you look amazing,
your best everywhere you go, to the gym, to church,
to the coffee shop, to the grocery store.
Always look what I call camera ready, game on.
You are ready to meet your guy
because you know what's gonna happen.
You're gonna look like you're ready for the Walmart special
in your homeless outfit.
And that's the day where you're gonna see the hot dude.
And you're not gonna wanna go talk to him
because you'll look like the Walmart shopper.
Like, okay, y'all know what I mean.
I love me a good Walmart shopping spree.
But in our little towns here,
you've all seen like the Facebook page, right?
They show the photos of people and how they dress.
I'm not gonna lie,
I have shown up in my pajamas at Walmart.
But I have really cute pajamas.
So you just wanna make sure you look ready.
And I was like, somebody was making,
my sister was making fun of me.
Cause she's like, Renee,
why are you putting on makeup for a 6 a.m. flight?
Like, this is ridiculous.
Like, you have a boyfriend now.
And I'm like, Michelle, in the last three years,
I've been so used to being game ready.
I call it game ready that I can't not put my face on.
Now, do I put a full face on at 6 a.m.?
Heck no.
But I at least put some tinted foundation,
little mascara and eyeliner, and a little lipstick.
I can get it done in under two minutes.
Just so I don't look like death warmed over.
You know, cause I, you guys, I'm not naturally cute.
Like, I gotta clean up a little bit.
I gotta do the thing and I got puffy eyes.
So I gotta do a little shadow.
So don't look like I got 20 pound bags under my eyes.
And so like, but I can do my makeup in five minutes, y'all.
Like, I don't wear a ton of makeup,
but I wear just enough to accentuate a little bit.
And then mama taught me how to dress nice, you guys.
Whether, like, I'm really happy with my weight.
I've been busting my tail.
It's been one year since I restarted my health journey.
Restarted it for the 30th time.
But I'm 25 pounds down.
I'm in great shape and I feel good.
I know, thank you.
I'm so excited.
I'm actually, you guys, I am rewarding myself
to do a photo shoot tomorrow.
My girlfriend who did my photo shoot
for my website three years ago, I was thin then too.
And, but I needed more photos to go with my book
because a lot of my photos for my website
are very professional, you know?
And I wanna do more of some fun, flirty ones,
especially as I'm trying to get more speaking gigs
for my book.
But I also wanna do, like,
it's gonna be my boyfriend's birthday in July.
So, like, I wanna, I don't know,
like, have a couple of photos
that are professionally done that he gets.
Like, he has some cute photos from my Facebook page,
but let me, so, like, I wanna be able to gift him a photo.
So I don't know what I'm gonna do with it,
but I'm gonna celebrate it.
And y'all, I hate having my picture taken,
but Stacey is amazing.
And so that's what y'all need to do.
If you have a girlfriend who's even just a little bit handy
with a camera, you know, if you've not done any photos
for an online dating profile, or your Facebook page,
or your Instagram page, girls, go do it.
Go find, I mean, even an iPhone now,
you can, like, edit the crap out of photos.
But, like, go pick out fun, flirty clothes
and just go to a park, go to the lake,
go just get out in the light, go do something fun.
And, like, have a girlfriend you trust with your life
to take your photos,
because it means you're gonna be much more natural.
Like, my friend Stacey,
who happens to be a very good photographer,
she, I've known her for eight years,
so I can do anything for her.
I also had a photo shoot years ago
with a guy who's, like,
literally one of the best in the world,
but he did not make me feel safe and comfortable.
And y'all, those photos sucked.
Like, I couldn't get a good photo out of it.
Like, and so I would rather you pick a girlfriend
that you love and adore, who is pretty good with a camera,
than go book a photo shoot with somebody
that you're gonna freak out over,
and you're like, ah, I don't know, you can't do it.
So that's my other sidebar,
is, you know, make sure you have fun photos of yourself.
You guys, make sure your Facebook, Instagram, cover photo,
make sure the photos you have online
are all fun photos of you.
They need to be within this year.
And y'all, I don't care what your weight is.
Now, a year ago, when I was heavier,
I still learned how to look good.
Like, mom taught me how to work with what I got.
So it's like, all right, so when I'm heavier,
I got big, big butt, big thighs,
so I wear a lot of things that cinch in my waist,
and, you know, made it look good.
You don't wanna be in big, baggy clothes.
And so you always wanna go to a dress and groom,
have a friend who loves you,
who's gonna speak the truth and love with you,
and tell you what looks good on you.
You don't wanna, like, wear outfits that just hide you
because you're unhappy with your weight,
and you wanna hide in the corner.
I have seen, I don't know if I'm gonna be able
to say this politically correct.
So can I say this not politically correct
so you guys get it?
I've seen some of the, what the world would describe
as the heaviest, oldest, and ugliest women,
the world, in our community, get married the fastest.
Because they have an inner glow and a confidence that comes from the inside out.
So I'm here to tell you, I've seen skinny, thin, what the world would say, gorgeous girls
stay single longer because of what's broken inside.
And I've seen women who are healed on the inside and it just shoots out from them.
And so I don't want you to think because what you think are not pretty looks and weight,
I want you to realize that you can exude confidence no matter what you look like and you want
to put your best foot forward.
So we don't want any of you staying in hiding because you're like, well, I'll start dating
when I lose 10 pounds.
I'll start dating when my, y'all like, I want to say that one of the first guys I dated
in this community, I had a cold sore.
Yeah.
My first photo with him, I had a cold sore, which, you know, I think we talked about this
a couple of weeks ago, right?
We talked about STDs, didn't we talk about STDs a couple of weeks ago?
You know, a cold sore is just herpes.
It's just oral herpes.
It's awful.
It's disgusting.
But it affects 80% of the people.
Now I could have chosen to not gone out on that first date because I had a cold sore,
but I was just like, you know, I'm just going to own it.
Actually we're not making out because he doesn't want the cold sore, but I just made
the best of it.
So whatever reason that you think it is that you might be sitting in the waiting room,
I want you to like lay it down, which is actually some of the, okay.
So Bethany wanted, I think I'm getting sideways to what Bethany wanted me to talk about is
overcoming body image struggles.
So I've already just told you about that.
I want you to be bold and beautiful and amazing.
You guys, they make great clothes in plus sizes.
Find your color.
Just put different color fabrics in front of you.
See what looks good, takes photos of it, ask your friends.
You guys, you can even go to thrift stores now if you're like, Renee, I can't afford
nice clothes.
Fine.
There are some really nice thrift stores that you can go and get things dirt cheap.
As I was losing weight, I did not want to buy clothes at a weight I knew I wasn't going
to sit in for very long.
And so go find a hoity-toity town near you.
And I'm telling you what, like Goodwill in like yunky parts of Nashville is nothing like
the Goodwill down the street because I live in a very hoity-toity area.
I am not hoity-toity.
My condo is the size of a pea.
I just am among very hoity-toity people.
So if I go to like the thrift store in this town, I can get some nice, nice stuff with
the label still on them because these people just buy crap they never wear.
And so don't be afraid.
Like just, you know, take your humble pill and just go do it because it'll be amazing.
So that's what I wanted to say about body image and weight.
And then any other resistance, especially for those of you coming right out of phase
one into phase two, or if you've watched The Dating 101 and The Challenge and you're like,
no, I'm not going to do it.
It's like sharks with an app.
Like y'all, if when you watch online dating, you know, I hated online dating.
No one, no one, no one hated it more than me.
No one.
No one on the planet.
I've been, I'm a dinosaur.
I was on when all that existed was Match and eHarmony.
Back when eHarmony made you go through 5,000 steps before you even saw the picture of the
person that you were getting matched with.
So I promise you, no one hated it more than me.
But Jackie issued this challenge and I'm only around married men and gay men.
And so I'm like, well, crap, I'm never going to be able to get this dating challenge going.
And so I forced myself online and I followed everything I did in those tips that I gave
you in the video.
And like, I just became like a dating fiend.
And I am so glad I slogged it out online because I learned so much about dating more healthy.
And the funny thing is, you guys, I did all the other things.
I did the meetups, the volunteering, the church gigs.
I told all my friends, set me up, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Irony, the guy that I'm dating, I met him on Facebook dating, which is hilarious because
I thought I actually had closed it out and he's never on Facebook.
He's not even on social media, but he was bored during the Super Bowl and like filled
it out.
And we crossed over for 12 hours that mine was still active and he was on, but we both
got off within 12 hours of this moment.
And lo and behold, we found out we've been at a church service together, a rotary club
meeting together.
Like, we have almost bumped into each other like five times in the last five years.
We just kept zigging and zagging.
And so maybe God was trying to have us meet in real life, but we just kept blowing it.
And so he's like, all right, I'm going to let you two bozos.
is made online even if it's for five minutes
and it kind of happened.
And so there's no perfect site.
There's no perfect place.
It's just about you being available.
And if you're feeling resistance,
lean into what the resistance is.
It is okay to pull back
if there's like something going on in your home.
Like I've talked about this.
My dad died very suddenly 16 months ago.
I pulled way back on the dating.
I did it a little bit.
I will admit that it's not a season I stretched myself.
I stayed local.
I didn't want to deal with long distance.
I stayed within what I thought was my type.
Like it wasn't a season where I was gonna like
really stretch,
but I wanted to stay a little bit active in it.
But I would look at it in the morning
and then I wouldn't look at it again
for the rest of the day.
And I would just go on with my day.
So those are natural seasons where God,
the Holy Spirit might be pulling you back.
If work in the dating and work in the apps feels like a job,
it's time to take a step back.
Go do something else that you love.
Go take a cooking class, an art class,
go dancing, go salsa dancing.
Go find something to do that you love to do
and take a pause and come back in.
But if you start seeing, I will tell you this y'all,
men can sniff out, well, women can too, right?
We can sniff out a bad attitude and negative attitude,
a whiny attitude and a desperate attitude.
None of us wanna get matched with a man
who's whiny, desperate or negative, right?
We don't.
So guess what?
He ain't gonna wanna date us
if we're being whiny, negative and depressed.
And so you'll notice it.
If a woman in our group starts posting over and over again,
I'm never gonna meet anybody.
I'm trying everything.
It's not working.
Well, guess what?
This thing you got going on ain't gonna help.
So press pause on the dating,
go get your mojo back, feel good about yourself,
go to prayer every morning and then get back in the game.
Like you're not gonna blow it any time off
that the Holy Spirit needs you to take off,
you take that off, but then jump back in,
have a positive attitude.
Okay, get your questions ready,
cause I'm wrapping up.
So this is the open forum time.
You get to ask me anything that you want.
Okay, all right.
So this is the one last topic.
So be thinking about your questions.
This is the one last topic.
There's an Instagram post that Jackie did a while ago.
It says, hey girl,
I know you've been trying so hard to find love,
but now it's time to try soft.
What does soft look like and what does it mean?
And let's talk about that.
So you guys, it's really kind of interesting.
A lot of women have daddy wounds.
I've got daddy wounds.
And so we are immediately triggered
with anything that will shove up against that daddy wound.
Here's the thing that's happening with a lot of men.
A lot of men have mom wounds or ex-wife wounds
where they were emasculated,
where she was full on boss babe, bitchy girl,
and she emasculated the crap out of him, right?
And so these strong men somehow got beat down.
So I'm not saying that men haven't crapped on women.
We know that they have, we know we've got daddy wounds,
but I'm saying there's a lot of really great men out there
that had been really beat up by strong women,
like the women's lib.
Like I kind of came in that movement
and we came on hard, powerful, and strong.
And we kind of bulldozed some men.
You guys, I see it all the time.
I am friends with married couples
where I've seen women love on their husband,
but then also shit on their husband in front of me, right?
Have we all seen that?
Anybody seen a wife crap on their husband
and speak disparagingly of them?
And they're just like, oh, well, we just do that.
That's just the way we talk.
No, no, no.
It is never acceptable to crap on your spouse,
especially in front of people.
Because you guys, here's what I start to think,
and I don't know about you,
but when I see a wife or a husband speak badly
about their spouse in front of me,
I'm like, if that's what you're willing to say
in front of me, what do you say about that person
when no one else is around and watching?
Like, that is not kind.
It is never kind.
You guys, I see it in church couples.
Like, I just think people think, oh, well, we're married now.
That's just the way we talk to each other.
No, it's just no.
It's not acceptable.
So both men and women, you all have come out of this arena
and you all have been beat up.
And so we really need to make sure that we show up
in our divine, feminine, soft energy.
I use that joke, it's on my water bottle here.
It's a sticker that I got from my Murray Method training.
It's called SLS, slower, lower, softer.
So that's not a Jackie thing.
Mr. Renee thing, that helps remind me
how I can show up softer.
I try to slow down.
I try to lower my voice.
I'm a cheerleader, I'm Italian, I'm from New York.
I get really hot and loud and big really fast.
And I try to come in softer.
Softer and meek is not weak.
It is just more gentle.
It's more gentle.
It's more kind.
It's less defensive.
And do you guys realize coming in lower, slower, softer
doesn't mean I have to come in smaller.
I keep saying that.
I don't have to come in smaller.
I just have to come in softer.
And so that's the last thing I am teaching you guys on.
And now the floor is open.
Who is my brave going first person?
All right, Melissa, I love it.
You are up girl.
Okay, thank you.
Well, Renee and everyone,
I am about to meet this guy
that I've been communicating with for the last,
I guess, four weeks-ish.
It will be almost five weeks by the time
we actually meet face-to-face.
We've been FaceTiming quite a bit and whatnot.
I've drawn lines on the texting
and I'm glad thanks to your direction, Renee,
about keeping that to a minimum.
So I've been thankful for that.
But I sometimes, like Anna, I really, for some reason,
whenever Renee, you were saying like,
do not accept ishmaels and don't settle.
I don't know why that part stood out to me.
And it may not be, I just don't know.
I feel like I'm still in the dark on this
because I've never actually met him in person.
And so we're gonna meet on Saturday for the first time
and we'll have like four hours in person.
He's coming to where my family lives
because I'm gonna be around for a wedding.
And so it'll just be more convenient for him.
And I'm already gonna be out that way.
So I just offered and suggested it.
So anyway, so here's my concern, like just-
So tell me first what you guys got planned.
Well, there's like this ice cream shop
and it's like very cute.
It has good lighting, it's casual.
And so with both of our schedules,
we're just gonna meet there.
And then like, there's a park nearby,
like maybe walk at the park and then maybe grab dinner.
So we'll just kind of play it by ear.
Bring like a Frisbee.
Okay. Like deck of cards.
Okay.
Because like, even if it's like a set of Uno cards,
like everybody knows how to play Uno.
And like a Frisbee, something that you guys can do
that's fun to do to give you a break from having to talk.
Okay.
Anyway, I didn't mean to jump in,
but four hours, like, you know what I'm saying?
It can turn it,
you don't want it to turn into an interrogation.
And also you might be able to get these
from Amazon in time.
They have something like this.
I got this at a tag sale.
It's called Conversation Table Topics.
I think Amazon has something like them.
And they're just like kind of like silly questions.
Would you rather see the Rose Bowl, Macy's Parade,
Thanksgiving Parade, or Mardi Gras?
If you had to lose one of your senses,
which one would you pick?
What would you like to learn to do on your computer?
What person in your family do you most resemble?
You know what I'm saying?
Like, they're just like fun kind of random questions.
And when I've brought these on dates,
I've learned the most unique things about people
because I know you're not sure if this guy's your guy.
And these kinds of fun questions and playing Frisbee
and doing a deck of cards,
it's gonna help you get a variety of data points.
I really appreciate that so much.
Thank you.
And I like the way that you just described that.
It's getting a variety of dating points
or data points, I should say,
but also dating points if you think of it in another way.
But I didn't let you ask your question,
so now ask your question.
Fine, but thank you very much.
That's very helpful.
So here's my concern.
Actually for me, four hours is no problem.
Like I am very much a communicator.
So, and this guy, like we can talk.
Like one day we talked for like five and a half hours
and I could only do that one day,
but then I was completely exhausted after that.
So I was like, I can't keep this pace up.
It was a holiday, but anyway.
So here's my concern.
One of them, like there's just these moments
when he'll kind of make some comments
like about like money type stuff.
And he's not.
in a good place. And I am in a good place financially. And
like, for example, he's living with his brother, and his
brother is married, and they have four kids. And so he's
renting a room from them. And like, we're definitely not on
the same level financially. And so and so I just, you know, but
again, I'm trying to be open because we have a connection,
which doesn't always happen. And so but sometimes, like he'll
make certain comments, such as, you know, like, asking me about
like, my living situation. And then he seemed like a little too
excited that I was in a good place with my living situation.
And, and that was like, through a, like a FaceTime. And again,
it may have just it may have not been anything like that. But
it's kind of like, then it's like, he asked about like, what
model phone I have. And he could tell by the way that like,
because he asked me for like, a screenshot I had taken. And so
I sent it to him. And he's like, Oh, it looks like you have
such and such model. Now, he's really into technology. But I
was also kind of like, like, and I, it just so happens that I
have this model, but I wait for many years before I get this
was like a on a need based basis that I got this. But you know,
since I keep things so long, I get something nice. And then I
keep it for a ridiculous amount of time until it pretty much
dies. And so then the other thing is like on his profile.
And again, you know how like you're looking through the apps
and you're kind of, you know, flipping through when it's like
there's so much information until you're like, Oh, wait,
whoa, like, I don't know how I feel about that. And you kind of
look back at it. One of the things that he said on his
dating profile is that he's looking for someone to support
him in his journey to he's like, my journey to get rich. And
again, he's not English is not his first language. And so I you
know, so I filter it through that, you know, kind of little
sounds a little rough, and that's fine. Like, you know, I
mean, I speak more than one.
Alright, so here's, here's my caution for you. And here's how
you can ask him a bit about it.
Can I say one more? Yeah, yeah. Okay, go ahead.
This might help. Um, I'm also older than him by, like nine
years. And so there's that. And so I just don't know if he's
looking for a come up or a purse. I'm not sure. That's
that's my only concern. So I just love to hear.
Yeah. How old is he? And how old are you?
I am 46. And he is 37.
He's 37. And remind me where you guys both live again.
Well, I'm in PA normally, but I also spend time in Texas where
I'm from. So I'll be meeting him in Texas.
Is that where he lives right now, Texas?
Uh huh. And that's where all my family lives.
Is he originally from another country?
Yeah, but he's been here like he moved here when he was like
seven or eight. So he's spent most of his life here.
So I think it's appropriate. You guys have been talking for
five weeks now. Right? So I think it's appropriate for you
to just say and I wouldn't do it at the front part of the date,
but somewhere in the middle part of the day, you know, be like,
hey, so you're 37. So 37 still old enough, like, hey, so you're
37 living with your your brother.
I don't really need to know how you got there.
I'm just curious, what are some of your financial and career
goals for the next two to three years?
Is this a short term thing?
Are you like, what are you needing to get out on your own?
Like, tell me what your financial goals look like.
And, you know.
Yeah, I mean, just say just I'm just curious.
I'm curious. Tell me a little bit more about your financial
and career goals.
You're, you know, 37, you know, a little bit older
to be living with a family. I know it happens.
But tell me a little bit about what your goal is while you're there
and what your goal is to get out.
Like, how soon do you see yourself finding your own place?
You know, where does money show up for you if you were married,
raising a family? Do you is your goal to be the primary breadwinner?
Would you prefer your your spouse staying home, raising the kids?
Would you prefer? Do you want kids, Melissa?
I would like them, God willing.
But I don't know if I can have kids.
I'm very healthy and I'm grateful for that.
It's a possibility. I don't know.
I think because you guys are long distance and you guys hear this,
they've had a lot of conversation.
So they've got a lot of content under their belt.
It's very long distance.
You have to be in it to win it.
Meaning you're either going to have to fly to see each other
or take very long drive.
So you kind of have to be in it to win it.
And so it is OK at this point for you're not asking him to marry you.
You know what I'm saying?
You're not asking and telling you that you love.
But I think it's appropriate to try to enjoy and have fun,
but then kind of turn the conversation to say,
hey, you know what?
We are long distance.
So, you know, do you mind if we ask a few more serious
questions about where you're going?
But, and you can ask me questions about where I'm going
and things that are important to me, but you know,
here's some things that are bubbling up for me.
You are 37 living at your brother.
And I know that that happens, but like,
kind of like what's your goal to get out?
When do you see yourself finding your own place?
Like, what are your financial goals?
Like, how does, how will that play out with a family?
Do you want to be, you know, two incomes coming in?
Do you want to have kids?
Like, you know, I'm just trying to get a feel for like,
what are some of your goals for the next two to three years?
It is okay for you to start to field those
conversant questions because you're right.
His comments could have been completely innocent
or he's looking for his, you know.
And so you want to test that.
I would say the more comfortable in his skin he is,
the more calmly he'll answer that.
If he starts to get defensive,
if he starts to get offended, pay attention to that.
Pay attention to how, pay attention to not just
what he says to you, but how he responds to you.
What kind of energy does he bring to that?
Yeah, I think that's great.
And I like the way you're phrasing all these things
because they are open-ended questions
and they're non-threatening framings in which you're.
Right, because you're not going to say,
why do you live with your brother?
Like, anytime we start with why,
we're going to put people on defense.
I'm curious.
And here's the thing, you're not even asking,
like, hey, I don't even need to know how you got there.
I just want to know what's your plan to get out.
Yeah, that's good.
And move on.
So, because right away, they might feel like
they need to tell you their sob story of what got you there.
But like, hey, no, no, no.
Like, I don't need to know that.
I'm more curious about what your plan is to move forward.
I don't care how you got there.
Shit happens to everybody.
Like, what's your plan to move forward?
And I think that's great.
The only concern I have is that essentially,
I have already expressed some of these sentiments
that you're describing.
Essentially, I did ask him at one point
through our hours of FaceTiming
over the last however many weeks,
like, what's your dream job?
If you could have your dream job, what would you want to do?
And I said, what is your plan?
And he's like, well, I'm just in a really humbling season
right now.
And he's doing a job that is kind of humbling,
to be honest.
Right, okay.
So let me just, I want to pause you
because I also need to move on to the next group.
But what I want to say to you is,
those are very lofty questions.
I want you to bring them down.
I need you to bring them down.
Like, what's your goal for the next six months?
What's your goal for the next year?
Like, where do you see, like, what,
and so you are home, like, you are doing this.
What break are you waiting through?
Like, if you're in a position that's very humbling,
what do you need to happen to get to the next step?
And then the next step.
Like, so you're asking, like, what's your dream job?
What do you want to do?
I'm like, that's too far away.
So kind of bring them back.
Like, hey, so what's the next six months look like for you?
Like, what's the break you're waiting for you?
Are you trying to save up a certain amount of money?
Do you have your resume out?
Are you looking for a headhunter?
Are you not sure what you want to do?
Are you working with a life coach or an executive coach?
You know, start to ask a little bit more specific questions
that are going to impact the next 12 months.
Okay, that's good.
I will ask more specific questions.
And you'll be in person.
So it's just going to create a whole new dynamic.
Well, I cannot wait to hear about it next week.
You'll have to tell us.
Okay, Dawn, you are up.
Hello, Renee.
Hello.
Yeah, this is my fifth week in now.
And I do have a few questions about the online dating
for what I'm getting ready to do next.
And a big testimony, a big confirmation.
Hopefully.
Great, I just lost you.
I lost your volume.
Did anybody else lose your volume?
I'm here.
Can you hear me?
Yeah, now I can.
I lost you for a bit.
Yeah, this is like my iPad.
So I'm just turning it around and stuff.
My laptop wasn't working.
Okay, so I'm on the dating apps.
I narrowed it down to one dating app, which was Upwork,
which is going really, really good.
So I had four guys that I was texting and chatting with.
I dropped it down to two.
Two guys had ghosted me
and they stopped texting and chatting me.
And I just, you know, I'm God defended.
So I didn't let it bother me.
I just, oh, well, they're not the right one.
put them out. So we'll continue. So I have one guy, I dropped it down to two. So one guy's long
distance and one lives like 20 miles away from me. So I'll be concentrating more on the guy that's
20 miles away from me. So his name, so his name is Richard. So he wanted to jump onto Telegram
and I have Telegram. I thought, oh, that is perfect. Like I really like that to get off of
upwards. So we've been now talking on Telegram. We did two conversations and we're still chatting
and now it's time for a video call. So I really want to jump on the video chat. And he always
liked when he texts me in the morning, he knows my schedule. So I think he says, like yesterday,
he said, oh, we really have a lot in common. And, you know, he always calls me good morning,
beautiful. And he says, you know, we really like the same thing because we've been talking a lot
about our interest and what we like. How long have you been chatting now?
Um, about a week and a half.
You're further away from the mic again. I don't, I don't know if you're touching the microphone on
your iPad. So just don't touch it and don't move. I just talk. So what's your question, Dawn?
Um, I'm losing the volume again. I'm getting ready to do the first video call.
And I wanted to know some feedback of, um, like, uh, how, how I should look,
what I should do, what questions should we ask on the video call? How personal?
Perfect. Okay. Treat the video call like a date. So I want you to make sure at least chest up,
you can wear your pajama pants if you want. I don't care. At least chest up. You want to look
like you're on a date. You want to put a little makeup on, you want to do your hair. You want to
have cute earrings on because he can't see your bracelets and he can't see a long necklace,
but he can see some cute earrings. And you want to, and you want to make sure you guys,
you want to face the light. So take your computer, your iPad, and you want to keep the computer
level to you. You guys, I'm sitting on the floor because I have the computer on the seat.
So I'm level to you. You don't want the computer to be like this. So it's like, do you see how
like this is not attractive? You'll see that. Not so attractive. So we don't want to be able
to see up each other's nostrils. So wherever you're sitting, make sure the computer's level
to you. Make sure you're facing the light. Find your good light. I always try to make sure that
I have really good background. Like I specifically look what's behind me. You don't want them to see
crappy mess, right? You don't want them, and you don't want your background to fight you.
You're either going to have, like, I usually am sitting up over there where that pretty picture
over here, where now I've got some neutral. So, so you want to make sure you've got that.
And so, and you don't want to be, you don't need to be this close either. Like, do you see
like this close? Like right now, really? Cause you keep going off to the side.
I'm not going to use the iPad. So you see how this is just a little bit too close. Isn't this
feel a little bit creepy, Sarah, right? Sarah, sign up. Yeah. Like, all right. So back that
computer up, back it up. You want them to be able to see about like what I'm doing right here.
You want them to see from like your boobs to the top of your head. You want them to feel like
we're on a date with you. So if it's too close, it's not a date. Do you know what I'm saying?
Like you wouldn't be on a date. That's close. Like Lydia, you got a good distance from the
camera right now. That's looking really good, Sarah. You're a good distance from the camera.
Super good. Yeah. You just want to make sure, and then you want to make sure whatever you're using
is, is like, if it's not your laptop, if it's, if it's your iPod or phone, make sure it's propped
up against something so you don't have to be holding it and it's moving around. Like, no,
disgusting. Right. So, um, I mean, I've done Facebook. Those are all the things. And then
of course, the questions that you want to ask, have them ready. You guys, like, if y'all don't
know what stupid questions to ask, I'll give you some table topics and like go through a pile.
Like these are like probably 200 questions in here. So sometimes I have like five or six ready
to go. And I like to ask questions like that. Like, okay, you're about to go off to a potluck.
What's the food item you're most likely to bring? Um, what was your favorite sport in high school
or what was your favorite class? You know, your favorite subjects in high school. Like if you
could go back to your 18 year old self and, you know, give advice, what would you give them?
Like, I love coming up with like some fun, creative questions. That's not, so what do
you do for a live? You know, like, and you've already been talking a lot. So now it's time
for you to start asking.
and like some fun questions.
So you can even Google,
what are some fun first date dating questions?
Try to keep it at an hour,
not longer than an hour and a half.
Give them a reason to watch the next date.
And again, just any other date,
at the end of the date,
if you wanna see them again,
you say, I had a great time.
I don't know where you're at,
but I'd love to see you again sometime.
If not, I just wanted you to know
that it was really nice getting to know you.
And I really thank you for your time.
Hop off.
Right.
So if I'm on my phone,
then I'm gonna prop it up.
Cause I was gonna be on my phone.
Cause if it's on telegram,
we're gonna do it on telegram.
And that's gonna be on my phone.
So I've done live streams on my phone.
Yeah, just prop it up.
So you're not holding it.
I'm gonna prop it up.
Yeah.
Can you hear me?
I have to,
I'm not gonna use the iPad again,
cause it's not working,
but nobody can see it.
But to do a Facebook live stream.
So I normally,
I do get dressed up when I do a live stream
and when I do stuff like that,
and I'm talking and speaking.
So I kind of know that.
So I'm thinking of how personal should I look.
Well, good luck, Dawn.
I can't wait to hear all about your date next week.
So you're gonna have to give us an update
on your date next week.
Yeah, I'm gonna give an update.
Now the other,
there was another guy that's long distance.
So with the other guy,
we're probably gonna text and chat more
because he's long distance.
He's like four or five hours away from me.
And so with that one,
we would text and chat more.
And so, so I'm thinking.
You guys, don't text too long.
Please do not text too long,
especially because it's long distance.
You guys should not be texting longer than a week.
Do not text with anybody longer than a week,
two weeks max.
Get off texting.
You've got to move to phone and video.
You have to.
And then in person.
Phone, video, in person.
Because here's the thing.
Texting is for facts.
I'm four foot 11.
I used to work in nonprofit.
I'm in seminary school.
I'm Italian.
I'm from New York.
Those are all facts.
Renee, how do you feel about this?
What do you think about that?
What do you think about this?
Those are not healthy texting conversations
to a stranger you've not met.
It's one thing if it's your family member
who like when I text back and forth with my sister,
we know exactly how we're speaking to each other
because we've been around each other for 50 years.
And so do not think because it's long distance
that texting is still the way to go.
Get off texting.
Texting is just, it's like it's your gateway.
Texting is just your gateway to talking to them.
So especially with long distance,
you wanna move to video sooner than later.
You wanna make sure this is somebody worth you
even continuing the conversation.
Okay, Dawn?
That's my piece of the pie to you.
It sounds good.
So I'll let you know how the video date goes.
I love it.
I can't wait to hear all about it.
Is it Ghislaine?
Am I saying that correct?
Are you still there, girl?
You're muted.
I am, I'm here.
Did I say your name correct?
Yes, you said it perfectly.
I'm trying to turn on my camera, but so much is happening.
So I'm just gonna talk.
I posted on my Facebook the other day about my first date.
And the date went perfectly.
And last, on Sunday, we went on our second date.
And the second date went really, really well.
So at this point, like we're talking every day,
we're messaging each other.
He's very consistent.
He's very kind and caring.
And I feel like things are going really well.
However, I get very nervous
about how much information I share.
So I know that we're supposed to keep it very surface,
I guess, during the first few dates,
but I feel like, okay, it's time to get a little bit deeper,
but I don't wanna share too much.
And I, like I hear myself every time I'm talking to him,
like replaying questions in my mind,
like things that I should ask, things I should do,
just to make sure that I'm not overdoing it.
And so I find myself not sharing enough.
And he was just like-
Yeah, let me give you a trick that I've learned how to use.
And it may sound like really clinical right now,
but there are certain things about my story
that it's like peeling an onion.
So like, I know like sometimes Jack is like,
oh, keep it light and airy, keep it surface.
You guys, I swim in the deep end of the swimming pool.
I ran a nonprofit for 20 years.
I can't play with stupid,
trivial conversation for very long.
Like you guys, I've taken these on dates.
When Rick and I started dating,
he just started laughing at me with the damn cards.
He's like, stop it, stop it with the cards.
And so what I did was-
I kind of mentally created a spreadsheet of the big parts of me that I would want somebody
to know about.
And I decided, and I kind of wrote a grid, like, okay, talk about my weight, talk about
my dad, my move to Nashville, like why did I leave the nonprofit?
Like what are some of the big things?
And then I kind of had a grid of what would I say about it now?
What would I say about it like in a couple of weeks if we decided to go exclusive, if
we're talking about getting married?
So it's like I kind of pre-decided how much am I willing to share about my career, about
my insecurities, about my dad, like, you know what I'm saying?
And like I started to like go, okay, this is what I'm willing to say about these topics
now.
This is what I'm willing to say about these topics in a couple of weeks so that I didn't
feel like I was hiding parts of myself.
Do you know what I'm saying?
I don't know if that helps for you to kind of think about what do I want to know about
him and what would I want to share about me and how much of that am I willing to share
now?
And like, so I know what my stopping point is.
So I know when it's too much.
So if you kind of have a prepared, even if you just mentally do that gymnastics, it might
help you feel like you're showing up a little bit more authentically without oversharing.
Yeah.
Does that sound like an idea?
Like, does it make sense at all what I'm saying?
Yeah, it definitely does.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Because, um, and I'm glad you had a great first date now.
And here's what I can tell you.
If you're really connecting and you're both like really good at sharing, you're going
to find yourself in the deep end a lot of times where I'm like, oh crap.
I'm like, like ignoring, just give yourself some grace and just be like, you know what?
I just realized, and it's probably my fault because I've asked you questions.
Um, so I'm just realizing we're probably getting too deep.
So let's put a pin in that.
Like so it's okay for you to just say, wow, we're getting pretty deep.
Let's put a pin in that.
Let's rein it back and kind of make a joke about it.
So you're going to find yourself there and then you kind of rein it back in.
And it's okay to say, let's put a pin in it.
Yeah.
Does that help?
Absolutely.
You guys will.
Yay.
I'm so excited.
Julie, I'm glad you're here, girl.
I can't wait to catch up with you.
Allison, you're up.
Hi.
So beautiful.
Um, so my, so my question is actually opposite.
Like, so, um, actually Bethany asked me about it in the, um, the roll call, but she never,
I responded and she never said anything.
So, um, so I had, um, a high school classmate reach out to me on Facebook.
I'm not on Facebook dating.
I'm not, you can just reach out out of nowhere.
And we messaged back and forth a couple times within like a 12 hour period, probably three
or four messages back and forth.
And he was very quick to ask me to meet up and catch up in person.
And I spoke last week that we were going to have a phone call first, which went really
well.
It was like 90 minutes.
Um, I feel like it was a little different just cause there was a history there.
So I didn't like it.
I'm sure it wasn't like, I didn't know him.
Um, you know, he's executive director of Habitat for Humanity for our County.
Um, like there was just a lot of really, it just flowed really well.
So I was very excited.
Um, so the, how far away are you guys from each other?
I mean, 15 minutes, 20 minutes.
Perfect.
So, um, and you're meeting this Thursday.
He was quick to, yes.
And so he was quick to set up the date at the end of the conversation.
Um, however, we haven't texted or messaged at all.
So when did, um, so when was your video like, so it was Sunday night was the, a Facebook
message.
Okay.
And then, um, that's, he had proposed, um, an actual date, like a week and a half later.
And so I was like, well, I, you know, can we catch up a little bit ahead of time?
And so I proposed the phone call with four days later, um, and then I messaged or I texted
him that morning.
I said, I'm looking forward to this evening.
I'll call you at seven and said, he said, I am too.
And then we talked and then there was nothing since, but the really have it.
So I just don't know if we're just waiting for the date and we'll see how it goes or
it was never really called a date.
I'm sorry.
So you're, I don't know where to put this because yeah.
So you're meeting this Thursday, but the video date,
remind me when the video date was.
Last Thursday.
Oh, so a whole week.
Yes.
Huh, well, you know,
you don't know.
And the good news is you'll find out Thursday night.
I mean.
I guess I will.
I mean, he, and this is somebody
you went to high school with?
Yes.
Yeah, you know what, when it's somebody from the past,
like that, they may not be sure what they want it to be.
And so they don't want to start texting you
and messaging you and it become a thing.
If when you guys see each other in person,
it's not a thing.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Like, I can totally see somebody,
I could totally picture me seeing somebody on Facebook
from my past going like, oh my gosh,
I haven't seen you in so long.
We need to get together.
And if that person was like, well, okay,
I haven't really talked to you since school
and it's been 30 years, like, let's do a phone call first.
So you have a phone call and it still feels good,
but you're not sure what it is.
So like, do you start the phone call thing?
Do you start texting?
So I can totally see,
I could see it going either way.
I think they're curious.
I think they're very curious
and they want to see you in person before they decide.
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, I don't like,
just from like the one you originally messaged me,
like, I just, I felt like it was definitely a reaching out.
Like I'm like, I kind of knew what it was.
Oh yeah.
But it's not like we met on a dating app or he saw me.
So there is that element of,
Right.
But I have to say, if I'm being honest.
Yeah.
Wait, so what part are you worried about?
Like, are you worried about how to show up?
Like, do I show up like it's a date?
Do I show up like we're friends?
Is that what you're worried about?
You guys, can you guys hear me?
Is it Allison's reception?
No, I'm like, I'm really not, but I just,
I really would like this to work out.
If I'm being really honest.
So this is really hard.
Cause at least on a dating app,
you know, when they reach out to you,
they want to go out on a date.
When someone reaches out to you like this, you don't know.
Chances are 90% of this is he'd like to see,
like, but he's not going to put all his cards on the table
because of the past.
So I say, Allison, treat it like it's a first date.
Like you would any other first date.
Look adorable, be friendly, be kind,
have fun, silly questions ready, see what they're up to.
But then I would try to be clear by the end of the date.
Before the end of the date, I would just say like,
hey, so it kind of was like out of the blue.
Were you just wanting to catch up?
Are you thinking that you'd like to see
how it would go getting to know me today?
You don't need to say, you guys, is this a date?
You might just say something like, you know,
were you just kind of feeling nostalgic
and wanting to catch up with somebody from your past?
Or are you looking to get to know me today?
Because if you are,
I'd love to continue to get to know who you are today too.
That's how you can say it without saying, is this a date?
Did you want to go out on a date again?
It's more like, hey, is this just nostalgia?
You saw somebody that you wanted to get in touch with,
blast from the past, or are you hoping to get a chance
to get to know me today?
Because if you are, I hope so,
because I'd love to get to know you too.
If you're not, that's okay too.
Like, you want to make sure you get clarity
by the end of the date.
Well, shoot, because I'm practicing that line
that you gave everybody before,
of like, I'd love to see you again,
but you're throwing some extra words in here,
so I don't know.
Well, but your situation's different
because you don't know what his intentions are.
At least when you meet online, it's a date.
You know it's a date,
but we don't know if it's a date, right?
I mean, I don't know.
You can tell by his Facebook profile,
like he's not married anymore.
All right, well, girl, I'll tell you what.
If you think you want to go with my original line,
you go for it.
Do you know what I'm saying?
If that feels way more comfortable for you,
and you're, if you,
I, what I, here's, like.
Here's the thing, and you'll probably figure this,
here's, well, here's the questions
you can ask during the date.
So where are you today?
Like, are you, like, are you in your career?
Are you raising kids?
Like, oh, you're divorced?
Oh, are you just getting back out there?
Are you just looking, you know, like, you know,
kind of where are you in that dating?
Are you like, are you dating people?
Like, are you just trying to get back out
in the real world again?
Because that's the thing too,
if he's recently divorced and he hasn't dated in 15 years,
he might see you as a safe softball first date.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Like, oh, there's this girl I used to know.
Let me catch up with her.
Let me see if I got my dating mojo back.
Like, let me see if she's somebody
I'd like to go out on a date with.
So like, oh, you're divorced?
Oh, how long ago were you divorced?
You know, was that hard?
Have you been out dating since?
Are you just getting back out there?
Those are questions that are appropriate
for you to find out,
especially because y'all went to high school.
You can dig a little deeper, you know,
because of that commonality.
You just, I just want to make sure,
because I know plenty of men
who after the divorce started dating
simply because they missed companionship of women
and they weren't ready to be dating.
Does that make sense?
So because you have a dating app,
you don't know if he's just looking
to hang out companionship.
So even if you said my standard,
hey, I had a really great time.
I'd love to see you again.
Because you guys went to high school together,
it could be possible his answer could be like,
great, Allison, I'd love to see you again too.
But that doesn't mean he's ready to be dating.
Gotcha. Okay.
Thank you. Does that make sense?
So you may, as long as you feel like
you're getting that answer,
then my comment, my normal standard ending
would be totally appropriate.
But if you feel like the whole time you can't tell
and you're like, well, shoot,
does he just want to be friends?
Is this just a high school thing?
You might have to be a bit more direct at the end.
Like if you feel like you've tried to fish
and he's not giving you any clarity.
Okay.
You might have to fish and it's okay to be like,
you know, so, you know, like,
and it's okay to be like, gosh, that's really a shame.
You know, sorry you went through that.
How long has it been?
You know, have you been dating
or are you getting back out there?
And he might say to you, gosh,
you're the first female I'm taking out to lunch
in 30 years.
I mean, you know what I mean?
I don't know, you know?
So you just kind of want to tip toe around a little bit
and then that'll help direct
how you close the loop at the end.
I just want to make sure, and that's probably Bethany's.
I just want to make sure that you're not going to get
yourself in a situation ship.
Okay. Yep.
That's it.
That makes sense.
And we don't know because we don't know.
So I guess we'll know after Thursday.
You will.
I mean, we're going to get lots of updates next week.
Y'all better come back next week.
Okay.
Thank you.
I hope that helps.
Julie.
I'm so Julie.
Are you the one that I've commented on your post, Julie?
Hi.
Yes, you did.
So yeah, it was about.
Our touchy feely friend.
No.
Yeah.
Okay.
So catch us up with where you're at with it.
Cause I don't want to, I want to, for the record,
you guys, if you didn't see Julie's post,
she had a great date.
He, you know, alluded to some, he tried to kiss,
try to go in for a little something, you know,
but alluded to what I would have said was
yellow flag ish behavior on testing the waters
with physical touch.
Anyway, that's about all I'll say on it.
He, he, at one point he,
he suggested that we go back to my place
because he didn't have a key for his friend's house.
He also was talking about me going to a wedding.
I've only, I've only talked to him for about a week.
He also, what else?
He suggested staying at his friend's house.
So what is my question?
Well, tell me this, what did you love about him?
Let's, let's look at the positives.
What did you like about the date?
I, I liked, well, my headlight was out in my car
and he fixed my headlight.
He opened doors for me.
He pulled out chairs.
He didn't let me pay.
He, he compensated for that.
lamented me. Um, yeah, but I mean, he did, like, start
rubbing my leg at one point. And I'm just, I should have been
more direct, but I just kind of like moved.
Let's see. I feel like he didn't ask any.
How? So how did you guys which you did you met online, right?
Yeah, which which app did you guys meet on?
Facebook dating. Okay. And how much do you know, if anything
about his faith?
I don't know hardly anything. I, your it's breaking up a little
bit. But I do know like, he has gone to several Christian
concerts, and he's, he has it listed as his religion is
Christianity. Okay, that's all I know.
Okay, that's all I know.
No, that's okay. So we know he's got some Christianity. And
that's all we know. Okay.
And his parents met at Bible college or Bible, working at a
Bible college.
Um, and when was your date? Saturday? Was it Saturday
night?
Sunday?
Day. Have you heard from him since?
Yes, that's the thing is he he texts as much as I'll respond,
he'll just keep texting. He does the Good Morning Beautiful. And
this morning, or was it yesterday? Yeah, yesterday, he
sent me his home address, which is a couple hours away and said,
just for just to get an idea for the future. Do you think do you
think Harrisburg's too far to date me? And I was like, well,
I was like, well, it is kind of far. But you know, we can always
meet we, you know, we can just see like, is kind of what I
said. But yeah, I just feel like he's not asking me like any deep
questions or anything intentional. I know you're not
supposed to do that at this point. But he texts me so much
that it's just like, why are we texting like this when we don't
know? Yeah, where we are.
This is why you guys I really tried to set the I mean, I will
say this, like, I'm actually glad Rick actually has dyslexia. So
he hates texting because it's too hard for him to kind of
write the text. He'd rather talk on the phone, which I'm grateful
for. I'm a fan. As you guys already heard me say at the
beginning. I think texting serves its purpose, but it's not
how you should be dating somebody, especially after first
date. And on a first date, you guys, it is okay for you to say
you know what I hate texting to get to know, like, I'm glad that
that we met online. And that's great. But I really prefer
face to face video and phone conversations. I feel like
they're much more natural. Because here's the thing with a
phone call, Julie, is there's a start and a stop to the
conversation. You book the phone call, you hold space for it. But
I don't like this texting thing because it becomes like this all
day kind of conversation. But that's you don't want to date
that way. And so it is okay for you to say, honestly, during a
workday, I can't be texting all day, I would be happy to book a
phone call with you tonight. And then you just stop texting. So
if you guys tell me he continues to text you all day, then you're
allowing him to text you all day. If you want that texting to
stop, you got to stop it. And you stop it by saying, I don't
you know, I really and you don't want to be just like, you know,
I feel like texting was good when we were just getting to
know each other. Now that we've met in person, I'd rather move
to just video or phone call. And let's go ahead and block in some
time tonight if you want to chat. Because it's really the
only way you're going to determine if he's somebody you
want to see again. I'm a little worried that somebody this soon
is like, and I do think it's just not good that he sent you
that video that had like that guy joking in the background.
Like he's just what I will say this, Jackie talks about is he
marriage minded? Is he mature? Is he masculine? So you kind of
have to ask yourself if he's behaving that way. And so I want
you to kind of force his hand a little, but then I want you to
decide if you think he's worthy of you even putting in this time
and attention. Two years is like what we call short, long.
long distance, it's drivable, but you can't just pop,
like Rick and I are four and a half miles away
from each other.
Our second date was at the gym.
Our third date was at the grocery store.
Swear to God, he wanted to see me again.
I'm like, dude, I got no time.
He's like, well, what are you doing today?
I'm like, I'm going to the grocery store.
He's like, all right, I'll meet you at the grocery store.
I'm like, okay.
And so that began, and so you guys are far enough away
that you just can't spontaneously see each other.
But I do want you to consider too, Julie,
why, like what is your boundary
on appropriate conversation and touch in general?
So you feel equipped to handle that in the future
because I don't want you to just passively move away.
Like I want him to know what your boundaries are.
Mm-hmm, okay, yeah.
And I think I should keep a strong boundary
about like no kissing until I'm in an exclusive relationship
because like I wanted to kiss him.
I said no at first,
but then I did it at the end of the night
because I kind of wanted to and he wanted to.
So I was like, okay, let's do it.
But it's just, it's a lot cleaner
just to have that boundary, right?
It is, because y'all like, I get it.
If someone's a great kisser, it's amazing.
We don't want you level two dating and kissing everybody.
You don't wanna do it
because your head's just gonna mess you up, right?
Like we know it gets all yummy, it gets all yummy,
and then you just start thinking stupid.
Like, and so we wanna make sure you're level two dating,
level two dating, but level two dating needs to progress.
And it progresses not physically,
but it's gonna progress emotionally.
That's the other reason why I want you
to stop texting with him
because you just said he's not really asking you
good questions and getting to know you.
Well, you can't when you're texting.
It's just can't, it's not appropriate.
So like, I think you'll know if he,
I mean, I'm leaning on, I'm a little concerned about,
he's made too many comments in a row,
talking about a wedding.
These are all not like, these are all not appropriate.
He's doing a lot of inappropriate comments and behavior.
So if you're not gonna just nip it in the bud right now,
I would like to see you progress
and kind of force his hand a little bit.
Be like, hey, you know what?
I'm kind of done texting.
I'd be happy to have phone conversations with you.
And I would make him,
he came to you this time for the date,
he came to your end of town?
Yeah, he stayed at his friend's nearby, yeah.
Yeah, I mean, if you guys are two hours away,
you could do a picnic on a Saturday afternoon
and you can meet halfway.
You know what I'm saying?
You can drive for an hour
and meet him halfway for a couple hours.
So that's my advice to you is try to force his hand.
You guys, I hope you guys are hearing this message
loud and clear.
Do not use texting as a way to keep the relationship going
and figuring it out.
It's just too clunky
and they invade your space too much in the day.
Like there's like, is texting throughout the day?
I'm sorry.
It's just like, y'all, I don't know about y'all,
but my parents raised me to like,
if I'm on company time, I'm on company time.
I'm old fashioned.
So like, I hated when I used to see my staff
bullshitting on the phone during the day.
Stop, like you're here to do your job.
Do your damn job.
So it's like, you got a job, Julie, right?
You got a job.
So I want you to do your job.
I want him to do his job.
You know, I want him to,
like it just texting all day just creates situationship.
It just does.
We don't want you guys.
We want you guys with somebody who's going to pursue you,
but not pursue you physically, pursue you.
All right, keep us posted.
Can I just say one more thing?
Oh yes, I'm sorry.
Go ahead.
Okay.
That's okay.
Thank you so much.
But yeah, I just wanted to say,
like, I don't know if there's like anything
you can say to it, but just for accountability,
like I'll tend to like collect, try to like,
I don't know, collect's the right word,
but like if I don't like someone enough to date them,
I'll be like, oh, but I can still have them in my life
in some capacity.
And that's like-
I forgot you said that.
I forgot that you said that part.
No, no.
We are not collecting buddies.
I know, I don't, I feel like,
I think part of me feels bad and like.
Oh, like I can help them and it's never worked out in the past and I've gone down bad roads before and I don't want
To do it again
No, I'm so glad you brought that up Julie y'all you don't have time
To have pet projects. Okay. Remember Jackie's famous phrase
Fixer uppers are for houses not spouses not buddies not friends if you want to do anything kind
Recommend them to go to Jackie Dorman calm join the men's challenge join
1822 that's what you can offer them if you want if you feel bad for them or you don't like
Offer them. It's like hey, I'm gonna scrape you can say I'm in this great singles community you guys and you can say go to
Jackie Dorman calm. There's a button down there to the right for the men
There's a bunch of men you might really enjoy the community
If not, I wish you the very best you y'all we are too old. We don't have time to be babysitting little boys
No, but I'm so glad you brought that up because I forgot that you were willing to consider that as an option
He would not I yeah, I have a history of doing that and it's oh
Then we got a nip that in the bud. No, no, don't do it. But
You can send them. Okay. Yeah. All right. Sounds good. Thank you so much. Yeah, sweetie
You're up Sarah
So I was wondering when you were talking to Don about only texting for a week
Are you when you say texting does that mean messaging through like an app to or just on the phone?
Oh, that's a good question. Okay, so in the app. Yes, Jack and I recommend
one two weeks tops in the app and I kind of feel like by then you go to a video date and
By the video date I then I either then give them my cell phone number cuz I felt like okay
He's a normal human being like I find out what his last name is. I do a quick Google search
Make sure he's not a psychopath. I
Check him out on social media
Hopefully we're booking a live date by that point
We're done texting and I usually just said I usually just set the stage to say hey
I know we've been texting to me. I just so you know going forward
I don't like to text except for brief bits of information
It's okay to check in every now and then or I got home and you know, like whatever
But just know that that's not going to be the primary way
I want to be in conversation with you if we're gonna continue to get to know each other
My preference would be that we schedule time to talk to each other on the phone
We video chat and or see each other in person. I really want to keep texting to a minimum
So
Okay, like again like what just happened with Julie
So you guys have a date you exchange phone numbers, but then they go back to the texting thing. Oh, no
Be done with the texting thing now, but like I mean, I've got like some texts from Rick and that's fine
But usually it's like hey, which I am free to talk, you know
Literally a lot of times we'll both be like, hey, do you have time to talk right now or I'm not gonna be free
I'm in a meeting. I'm not gonna be free to talk until 630 tonight
Those are the kind of the text sometimes, you know, like hey Renee
I'm thinking about you now in the beginning when we were first kind of, you know getting together
I might get a text from in the morning saying hey, I had a great conversation with you last night
Hope you have a great day. I'm like, oh, I hope you have a great day, too
And then that would be it like we would text first thing in the morning
Wish them well on the day. Let them know we're thinking about him, but then we literally went off to our jobs
Me school and then we would reconvene like hey, what did you want to talk tonight? What time did you want to talk?
Because in the beginning we still didn't know what each other's schedule was
So he was polite enough to not just call me like he was like what's a good time for me to call you tonight?
Like cuz you're still got a little bit of formality now
He's starting to get the rhythm of my schedule like he knows I'm teaching you guys
So he knows I'm not gonna hear from Renee until she's done talking to the ladies and
So he knows I'm gonna call him after I get off the phone
He's not gonna try to call me while I'm in the middle of talking to y'all
So I think but this just me you guys might love texting. I'm 55. You might tell me I'm a dinosaur
But you guys I ran a clinic for 20 years and and I saw plenty of couples
who were hot messes because they did not know how to communicate face-to-face and
All they knew how to do is text each other. It does not create for a good relationship and or marriage. So we want you to
Move it along
Texas
Texas you need to hey
Supermarket, do you need anything? Those are those are appropriate text messages?
So my question that came up as Don was talking
But so I'm just getting back into the dating app.
I've done the online dating and I've met people
and met some crazy people.
And honestly, I'm not entirely excited about it.
I mean, I am a little bit, but I'm like, eh.
But what do you do about the people that just say hello
and don't ask the question?
Am I rude if I just don't respond?
Yeah, okay.
So when I've got a lot of men that I'm talking to,
I don't respond to the, hey, hello.
If I'm completely bored and there's nobody on the horizon,
I might say, hey.
But then if they just do the, hey, good morning again,
you guys, I'm blunt.
I just go, hey, just so you know,
I'm not really into this good morning, good afternoon thing.
If you take a look at my profile,
if you wanna actually have a real conversation,
I'm totally down with that.
Otherwise, have a great day.
Like, and then I just nip it in the bud.
Now, because here's the reason why I don't,
I know there's plenty of women on here
who just bless and block and they just swipe on by.
Every now and then there's this sweet, nerdy, nice guy.
He got no game.
He don't know how to start the conversation.
He don't know what to say.
So he might need you to nudge it along.
So if I'm being kind, if I'm in a kind mood
and not a New York mood,
I might, I'm not dissing anybody from New York.
I might be like, hey, you know what?
Tell me a little bit more about yourself.
I noticed that you liked basketball.
I used to cheer, like something.
I would try to do something to,
like, I will say this, if I liked their profile
and I liked their photos
and I'm trying to give them a chance,
I will try to start the conversation.
Like, tell me a little bit more about you.
And then if they tell me,
but then they don't ask me anything,
then I'll say, well,
would you like to know anything about me?
And if they still don't take the bait,
then I'm like, okay, sister's working too hard here.
And just say, hey, you know what?
I'm sorry, I'm really trying hard,
but I can't lead this whole conversation.
And now some of them might go,
I just don't know what to type.
And then I say, well,
would you be more comfortable with a video chat?
And then it can be a normal conversation.
And sometimes they go, oh my gosh,
that would be so much easier.
So sometimes I've had very lovely video dates
with men that sucked at the first part of texting,
because they just didn't know what to do past hello.
It's so stupid.
Like, here's the dumb things they'll do.
Hello, how are you?
How's it going for you?
Are you meeting anybody interesting?
How long have you been doing this?
Because they don't know.
Like, they don't know that those are stupid questions.
They're not in Jackie's program, they don't know.
So if I've got patients in the time
and I thought they were really cute
and I thought they matched me a little bit,
I might help them along.
If they're like, if he was already kind of a maybe, no.
Okay.
And then in the dating 101,
Jackie mentioned there was a thing
where she had a post about somebody
that shared what they wrote on the Facebook,
like saying that they're confessing
that they want to get married.
Do you know where that's at?
I don't think you should be putting on your profile
that you want to get married.
Oh, okay.
Well, like it was saying, like saying for people
to like set you up, like to go on dates.
Oh, the post.
Well, we've all written different things.
And so you want to write, I don't know where she's talked.
I don't know that we have a post actually saved sometimes.
Okay, she just said she would share it somewhere
and maybe she didn't.
Yeah, bless her heart.
I mean, I'm really not sure.
I'm sure she thinks it's somewhere and it might be,
I have no idea where it is.
So it usually goes something like this.
Hey, you guys, I'm super excited
that I'm in the middle of this program
and I had this really amazing relationship coach
and we've been doing some healing and activation.
And she reminded us that we need to let people know
where we're at.
And so I'm super excited about my life.
I love everything that I'm doing,
but some of you may not know
that I am looking to date quality people
and just get to know them.
Low stakes dating.
If you guys know anybody who's single,
but you're not sure that you think he might be a good match,
feel free to pass along my name and my phone number
or my contact information.
You don't even have to make the introductions.
You can just have a message me directly.
This is just totally low key.
You never know.
He might be somebody I would like to get to know
or he might know somebody.
Okay, so low stakes, don't mention marriage.
No.
Okay.
Well.
Well, people that know me know that.
I have that desire, so I'm like, most of the people know.
I'm looking to meet, I'm looking to meet men and get to know them.
I'm looking to meet men and get to know them.
I think the people who know you, Sarah, are going to know you're looking for a quality
man.
So they're going to pick up the cue.
Sure.
Now, y'all, if you feel, if you feel the Lord telling you to be so bold as to say, I'm looking
to get married, then have at it.
Like, I personally did not do that.
I basically just said something like, hey, you guys, I'm so excited that I'm working
with a relationship coach and with a team of women.
We're having a great time.
And we've been issued a challenge.
We've been issued a challenge to put ourselves out there.
So I'm putting myself out there.
If you're seeing this post, and you know anybody who might be single who's willing
to get to know me just a little bit, I'd love for you to coordinate that happening.
Okay.
Does that kind of help give you the...
No, that's great.
Thank you.
You bet, sweetie.
Christina B.
Can you hear me now?
I can now.
Hi.
So I made a post, and then you guys responded, and it's kind of a follow-up.
So I had a coffee date this morning with a guy.
It went pretty well.
He actually just called me while I was on this Zoom call, but I'm also talking to that
other guy who's long distance, as in like a couple of states away.
I just kind of confused, oh, sorry, my dog jumped on me.
I'm just kind of confused and not used to like dating multiple men at the same time.
So it just almost feels like weird or wrong.
Okay.
So remember, you're technically just getting to know these guys.
Have you been on a live date with either one of them?
Remind me.
Yes.
I went out with a live date this morning with a fire captain, but he said something that
kind of bothered me, like kind of rubbed me the wrong way.
He's a fire captain, so they've got quirky things.
Okay.
Yeah.
But like prior to us meeting, he had like messaged me and said like, oh, what are you
doing today besides, what is the word he used?
He said, juggling men on the dating app is what he said, and I just kind of like responded
like jokingly.
I said, I'm just juggling and doing laundry, and then he was like, ha, ha, ha.
So I don't know, I just felt that was kind of like an immature, inappropriate thing to
say.
And it could have been.
So here's the thing, you guys, before Jackie's program, it would have never crossed my mind
to date more than one person at the same exact time.
I want to say Dr. Cloud, Henry Cloud references it in his book, what's his book on dating?
Boundaries and Dating.
Boundaries and Dating?
How to Find a Date.
Yeah, that's it.
How to Get a Date Worth Keeping.
He actually talks about exactly what Jackie talks about, which is meet as many people
as you can and go on as many first dates as you possibly can.
Now I will say this, as somebody who's tried to do it, I personally could not go past date
number four and keep dating other people.
If I'm going on date number five with a guy, I am probably internally pressing pause, because
for me, that does start to feel a little clunky and weird.
Now there are plenty of people in the community, and Jackie might even tell you, date this
guy six or seven times, date this guy six or seven times, and this guy.
And if you can do that, do it.
Just don't be making out with all of them, because that's going to mess you up.
You can do it.
But if it feels really uncomfortable for you, don't feel like you have to do it either.
You want to keep your options open, and we just don't want you guys getting sucked into
like one person.
Like, now, so all that to say, if you and I didn't know this, if men aren't going through
her program, they don't know that.
And you know, like the guy that I'm dating, he's 62.
Like I'm 55, he's 62.
He's always only dated one person at a time.
And so this time, because he's not had a good picker, his friends, all his married friends
said, date multiple people, like this whole thing.
And so like I was date number 10.
And like by the third date, he was like, I don't want to talk to anybody else.
And I was like, well, I don't want to talk to anybody else either.
Now did I think we were like declared like this exclusive I love you stage?
No, we just both were like, I don't want to juggle anymore.
I want to just focus on you."
And so he may have been making that comment, A, to feel you out, C, how many other men
you're talking to.
So I think you handled it great.
And so, yeah, I mean, it's a sideways way to find out.
And at some point you can be completely honest, like, you know what, right now I'm just getting
to know people.
Getting to know people sounds softer than I'm dating multiple people at the same time.
Like when I think of dating multiple people at the same time, I'm thinking romantically
dating other people at the same time.
Like you guys remember the Diane Keaton movie with, what's her name?
She's adorable.
Mandy Moore, because I said so.
She was seriously dating two different men.
That's like a no-no.
We don't want you like hardcore dating multiple men.
We do want you to discovery date, get to know people.
You may land on one guy sooner, but you want to make sure you're doing it based on multiple
dates and not based on multiple phone calls and texting.
So I feel like more drawn to the guy that lives out of state.
I feel like we have more in common.
He like seems to have a, well, we've talked more about like God or religion versus the
other one that we haven't.
So I'm just more drawn to that because, you know, he likes.
How many video dates have you done with the long distance guy?
Just one.
Okay.
So do you have an X one booked?
No.
Okay.
So did you let him know that you're hoping to see it?
Talk to him again?
Yeah.
Because he had said, when are you going to come out here?
Cause we talked about me going out to North Carolina and he's like, when are you going
to come out here?
And I was like, you're the one that said that.
Okay.
I do.
Yeah.
You just, you just, and you can be completely blunt with him.
Like, Hey, you know what?
You can even just say, you know what?
I'm working with a relationship coach or I'm in a, you know, I'm in a group with women
and you know, Jackie's really encouraging us to, you know, get at least like three or
four video dates under our belt.
And I told him that yesterday I told him, I said, I would prefer to get to know you
a little more on FaceTime before I fly out there.
I said, that's kind of a big deal to fly across the country to meet somebody that I don't
really know that well.
And he said, yeah, I understand.
And then nothing got booked.
So I'm kind of just waiting, I guess, for him.
Well, and that will show you, I will say this too, that will show you how good of a gentleman
he is.
Why does he want you to come to him first as opposed to him coming to you?
There's just a lot more to do out in his area.
Was he going to offer to pay for you to come out there?
Yeah.
So he was going to buy your plane ticket for you.
Okay.
And you feel good about that?
Do you have friends out in that direction?
I have a friend that lives in Tennessee.
She said it's a few hours away.
Where is he?
North Carolina.
I think like Charlotte or something.
I don't know.
North Carolina.
Well, Charlotte in North Carolina is a lot further away than three hours from Tennessee,
but I mean, yeah.
Just make sure, well, there's a lot of sister squad.
We have a single sitting North Carolina Raleigh.
So make sure that you've got chickie poos that you can hang out with like on our team
so that you're not with him 24 seven.
So when we do long distance, we do encourage you to not book 12 straight hours with somebody.
If you want to make sure you have other things to do and another place to stay.
But if he blows you off, Christina, and he doesn't book those video dates, he's not a
good guy because if he wanted you to fly out there after one video date, which already
puts you like, yes, he's going to pay for, but that puts you on his turf.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
And it's a little not safe for you to do that.
And so you want to make sure you get to know him a little bit better.
So I'll be praying for you that he books those next dates and he intentionally pursues
you because that you will want you to get those under your belt.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, those all sound interesting.
Keep us posted.
I will.
But this is a good reason why you're talking to a couple people because you're not sure
which like it could be both of them or it.
And the truth is you might not know which one you really like until you meet the other
guy in person too.
Yeah.
Perfect.
Well, thanks for sharing that.
I appreciate it.
Thank you.
Try to read all your posts and keep up with who's saying what.
Rachel.
Hi, so, um, I had a just a general question about the, the Facebook is the face one, still
the same is the same place where I'm, or does it change?
Okay, so you're in phase two right now, right?
Yeah.
But, um, I just started today, phase two, well, this is my first call, but I'm still
on Facebook is still phase one, the last year single phase one, or is it a different?
Oh, you need to, how did you get here tonight?
How did you get here?
They had sent me the email and you know, so I got the information and I was able to, uh,
when I logged in, it's on my, it's on my, um, you know, when I logged in into, into
the Jackie Dorman website, everything is there for it is, but I am not, I'm still on phase
one on Facebook.
I don't, I don't.
Okay.
What you need to do, you need to email me tomorrow and I'm going to send you the link
for phase two.
And then once you're in phase two, you need to leave phase one.
So you're going to email, I'm going to put it in their email at Jackie Dorman.com.
I'm going to send you the link.
So that tells me if you didn't get the email when you watched the last video, here's what's
supposed to happen.
Guys, if you signed up correctly, which 60% of you did not, if you did not get an email
that said, welcome to phase one, Facebook, here's the link.
And I had to help you get in there and you didn't change your settings.
Um, you know what I'm going to show you right now, cause it's going to bug me now.
I don't have time to show you because it's getting late.
Um, in the Jack and Dorman portal, um, you have to make sure your settings are set to
get emails from us.
So what's supposed to happen when you finish phase, you watch the last video in phase one,
the last video in phase two, it's supposed to trigger an email that says, Hey, you finished
the program.
You're ready to go to the next phase.
Now, some of you aren't really ready to go.
You're like, I'm not ready to go.
But in that email, it does have the Facebook link to the next one.
You don't have to leave the second you get that email.
But if you don't get that email, kind of like where you're at, Rachel, you're like, Oh,
you know what?
I see it.
I see it on the email.
It says click here for face to Facebook group.
I guess I didn't read the whole thing.
Yeah.
Awesome.
Yeah.
So what do you think?
Well, I'm glad you showed up tonight and you saw the portal.
You use the portal correctly, but yes, you're going to, they're going to ask you three questions,
answer the three questions and then take yourself out of phase one or else it's going to confuse
you.
Okay.
And then, um, so I saw the, I saw the, the welcome, the welcome, the first video and,
and uh, uh, one on one, I think.
Yeah.
So I saw those two and I know I have to stop there for the week.
Um, you're so, but this is very scary.
Go at your own pace girl, go at your own pace.
There's no, you know, there's no speed here.
Um, I will only kick you out if it's been three months and I needed you to move on all
over to phase three.
I'm kidding.
Um, I love you guys.
Um, you guys are going to be great.
So Rachel, just the good news is you're listening to everybody else.
You're watching the videos and you're just going to dabble at your own pace.
It's okay.
It's really okay.
So we don't want you to be afraid.
And you guys, you're God defended.
You have to like, you're like, what does that even mean?
It means God's going to protect you now in his supernatural way because you're just going
to say, I'm God defended.
So every time you get ghosted by some Yahoo, God defended.
Every time you think you have a great first day and then he kind of fizzles off, God defended.
If he acts inappropriate on the first day and he tries to like put his hand on your
hiney, God defended.
Because now you know, like honestly, the faster men show their cards, the better, right?
We don't have time to waste.
We're, we're, you know, we don't have time to waste.
And so we want the ding dongs to show, reveal themselves fast.
Um, and we don't want to get beat up over it.
The biggest thing I can tell you guys to do is have thick skin to not take anything personal
when you are getting to know people in level two.
Now when somebody breaks your heart in level three, after they've decided to be exclusive
with you and then the relationship fails, like we can cry about that, but I don't want
any of you crying at level one.
So level one is you guys just texting or calling.
calling on the phone.
It is not level two dating until your first live date.
That's what Jackie would say, right?
Even long distance.
Right now you're having some video dates,
but you're still like,
and maybe it's different for a long distance
because those actually turn into real dates,
especially if it's been like five or six weeks,
you're officially kind of dating.
It's just online dating, but it's not live dating yet.
But really those first few video calls,
first few text messages,
that's just level one, getting to know somebody.
Level two, you're starting to have real dates with them.
And then obviously if you string enough live dates
with somebody,
they might decide they want to be exclusive with you.
Up until that exclusive stage,
please take nothing personal.
If they blow you off, ghost you.
This phrase that somebody said helped me so much.
He might really like you,
he just might not like you enough.
Or he likes somebody else more,
or he likes his money more,
or he likes sex outside of marriage more.
We don't know what might stop him from talking to you.
So he might like you.
Why doesn't he like me?
He might, he just might not like you enough.
And if he doesn't like you enough, he's not your guy.
We want you guys to be with a mature,
masculine, marriage-minded, godly man who is pursuing you.
Jackie said the best phrase.
She said, if a man likes you,
he will cut off his arm and use it as a oar
to come after you.
That's what a man will do if he likes you, right?
That image is hilarious.
But that is what a man will do
if he's looking to pursue you.
Okay, let me check through the comments to make sure,
because I think I saw somebody
have a really good question in here.
And I want to make sure.
What are some of the things we should not mention
on the first two dates?
Because I share a lot coming from a recovery background.
Yeah, okay, Dawn, thank you for asking that
because I have also been in 12-step,
I've been in Celebrate Recovery.
And so in Celebrate Recovery, in a 12-step meeting,
you will vomit your entire life to a complete stranger.
That's what you do.
I had a video date with a man who came from a 12-step world.
So he let me know on the first video date.
Now, you know how Jackie says
we're not supposed to get serious?
But like, sometimes people vomit so fast,
you can't even stop them.
And then you just want to grab popcorn
because now it's just crazy.
So now you just want to listen to the crazy.
You're like, I gotta see how crazy this is gonna get.
And this one guy let me know,
like, he'd been an alcoholic.
He basically relapsed 30 times.
He lived homeless under the bridge in Nashville.
Like, it was just so much information.
And I was like,
I don't think you're supposed to be telling me all of this.
He goes, really?
Because we do this in 12-step meetings.
I'm like, yeah, no, don't do that.
So I always try to say, people,
don't reveal on video dates
anything you wouldn't want the general population to know.
And here's how you know
when it's too much information for a first date.
You don't want to give intimate details about your past.
They don't need to know on your first date
if you're an alcoholic, a drug addict, a love addiction.
I don't care.
You've had an abortion.
You come from a trauma.
You were molested as a child.
None of that information
is coming into your first few dates, okay, you guys?
It's not.
The information you want to share,
you want to focus about the present.
Who are you today and where you're going?
The kind of stuff that you talk about in the past
is like sharing your resume.
Oh, I come from a big Italian family.
I'm three of four kids.
I was a really good student.
I got straight A's.
I was a cheerleader.
Do you guys kind of hear what I'm saying?
Like, this is not rocket science information here.
You know, I used to work in corporate America.
I was on staff at a church.
I used to be a cheerleading coach.
You guys are all just,
you're learning right now about my past,
but you're learning very surface information about my past.
So those first handful of dates,
you are not giving intimate details about your past.
You are not telling people why you got divorced.
You're not telling people that your husband cheated on you.
You're not saying that stuff.
If they ask you, well, why did you get divorced?
Why did you not ever get married?
You know what?
That's a really big question.
And at the appropriate time,
I'd be happy to have that conversation with you.
Let's just focus on who we are today and where we're going.
Who we are today, where we're going.
So I hope-
I'm going to back on a question like that,
because a lot of the guys I talk to,
like are very serious Christians,
and I'm a serious believer,
and they want to know your testimony.
Oh my God, how'd you come to the Lord?
Oh, tell me your testimony.
Like, how did you meet Je-
You know, how did you come to the Lord?
Okay, so yeah, so Dawn, here's how I answer that in the early part.
Well, for me, I'm like, you know what, I grew up in a really strong, solid denomination.
For me, I kind of got to, you know, I was going through a lot of different struggles
in college, and someone shared the gospel with me through the navigators, and I accepted
my Lord and Savior at 18.
I got water baptized in six months, and it's just been a part of my life ever since.
There's so much more to the story, I would be happy to tell you when it's appropriate.
So you just-
I just gave you my testimony, Dawn, so you have got to find a way to say your testimony
in 15 seconds.
15 to 30 seconds?
Like, hey, Jess, if it's longer than 15 or 30 seconds, you are sharing too much.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, but, yeah, girl, like, I'm helping you reign it in.
Reign it in.
Okay.
I'm glad you brought that up.
Okay.
Thank you.
Yep.
Like, asking the testimony question is such the, like, underhanded way to find out people's
dirt.
Oh, tell me your testimony.
Yeah, I bet you want me to tell you my testimony.
Yeah.
You mentioned the love-bombing.
Yeah.
Definitely, you guys, love-bombing, I know you heard that phrase, gaslighting love-bombing.
I kind of feel like it's love-bombing when it's, like, it's too much and it's too much
about everything and it's not enough normal, and you have to pay attention to the difference
between secure attachment and love-bombing.
I would say Rick pursued me with secure attachment.
He kind of knew really quickly he wanted to, like, zone in on me, but he wasn't, like,
texting me all day long.
He wasn't, like, just, like, and he introduced me to his church, you know, friends right
away, and he met some of my friends right away.
Usually love-bombers don't introduce you to their people.
They say they're going to, but they don't.
Usually love-bombers kind of keep you in seclusion because they realize if they meet your friends
and you meet their friends, if they're fake and a phony, they're going to get found out.
So usually love-bombers will try to stay, they will try to keep the relationship in
secret.
They're going to promise you that, oh, I'm going to have you come to the wedding, I'm
going to have you meet my friends, and it just never happens.
Okay.
Let's see.
Okay.
Did anybody else have any final, I want a final question.
I do have one last thing.
Yes, ma'am.
When I did express to this guy that I would like to be a stay-at-home mom if possible,
and I think it's the question of, you know, is that possible, and do I, would it be settling
if this guy tells me, well, I kind of just want to work a, you know, low-level job for
the rest of my life and do some creative work on the side, which may be a possibility.
I don't know, but you were saying give it like kind of the 12 months out from here,
the six months, the 12 months, like, I guess my question is, you know, is that something
to draw a line over?
Because again, I don't even know if I could have kids of my own, but I did express to
him and he was like, yeah, you know, I respect your, you know, your, like he respected that
I was straight up with him when that topic came up about the future of like, what are
you looking for?
And, you know, and I said, I would like to be a stay-at-home mom.
Well, what does he want?
Well, he didn't really say a lot in specific terms, although I did ask him and he just
said, like I was saying earlier, he's like in a humbling time and it's like, he's kind
of in this searching time and he hasn't been a believer super long.
I think he's trying to get his life sorted out a little bit.
And that's what I need to see about actions.
What actions is he's taking?
Like, cause he's, we've talked about like community and accountability and things like
that.
And so I'm just not, it's hard to get a gauge since we're long distance.
It's hard to get a gauge on like, how much is he actively doing?
If anything to, I feel like Melissa, you're going to, you are a go getter.
And I feel like you're going to feel his energy and his energy is going to tell you even more
than he expresses to you.
And I feel like you need a man who knows where he's going.
I do.
And he's either going to convey that to you or he's not.
And I'm going to tell you, don't settle if he's not.
Like if you don't walk away from this live date feeling like, okay, he's got his shit
together.
I can't tell you all of Rick's story because some of it's his personal story and he would
be mortified if I told you.
do. I'm just telling you guys, 12, 14 years ago, he lost everything and every way that
you can get destroyed. He did. And I am so proud of what he did to succeed again and
get his life together and like just busted his ass to make a plan and work that plan.
And so I'm okay that any guy or girl falls tough on their story, but it's like, okay,
what's your plan? Cause I need to only be with survivors. I can't date a victim and
I don't think you can either, Melissa. And if, and so my suspicion is you will get a,
you will get a lot of your answers when you see them in person, which is why I'm so glad
you're getting a chance to do that because I feel like you need somebody to come in with
strong masculine energy. And if he does not, you cannot leave this relationship.
Okay. That's a good word. Thank you so much. I received that.
Yeah. Good. Okay. Good, good, good, good. Um, well, true Julie. Yeah. Okay. Um, let's
see. Okay. All right. Meeting the mom and siblings via video chat after two weeks. Okay.
Here's the thing you guys don't equate love bombing with just bound boundaries. Like it's
that there's a difference between love bombing and anxious attachment. You guys are now in
phase two. The three videos on attachment styles, I believe are in your portal for you
to watch with the attachment. So what you guys are describing sounds way more anxious
attachment than love bombing. Love bombing is usually somebody who's like a dirty dude
and he's just coming to take, and he's trying to reel you in to see what he can take from
you. Anxious attachment people like declare their undying love, introduce you to the family,
and they want to secure that relationship and make it way more intimate too quickly.
So there's a difference between love bombing and, um, anxious attachment. It is the top
of the hour. We don't have time to go there, but those videos are there. So I'm going to
encourage you guys to go watch them that so don't mistake the two. Um, and you guys, we
all have anxious attachment, avoiding attachment. We could all lean in that direction. It's
just a matter of, is it teachable? Do they recognize it? Are they trying to be healthy?
You guys, this is two hours. We're going to get our butts kicked when they see these video
links. It's hilarious. Okay. Love you all. Talk to you next week.