All right, so welcome everyone to our PATH session.
If you just made it over to phase three and you're like, what's PATH session?
PATH session is a time when we come together as a community or we split into different
groups as a community.
And we talk about important subjects within your relationship with God, yourself and others,
including of course, romantic relationships.
Tonight, we're going to talk about relationship expectations.
Y'all, for all the different levels of relationship that you are going to navigate
as you get to know other people in this process towards your spirit mate,
what should your expectations be?
A lot of people have missed expectations.
They have unrealistic expectations.
These are true stories, right?
You have missed expectations.
You get all disappointed about something.
Some people have unrealistic expectations.
Other people have really low expectations.
We need to get those expectations up a little higher, right?
And then some people have really high expectations.
And those high expectations are not necessarily unrealistic,
but you have to make sure that you're matching what you're expecting from someone else.
That's important, right?
And at all different levels of getting to know someone, those things should be different.
Now, of course, it's not a one size fits all.
Can't give you all of the cheat codes, okay, to relationship.
There are going to be scenarios that you find yourself in
that have not been taught about within this community.
And what happens when that happens?
You just have to use your best judgment in the moment.
And then of course, you can come back and ask us what we think.
How did I do?
You can come back and say, how did I do?
This is what I did.
What do you think?
And so we are definitely always here to be a sounding board for you.
We want to help all of you succeed in relationship, of course, with a romantic potential,
but also in your relationship with all the other people in your life,
including yourself and God.
All right, so let's pray.
Father God, we thank you for this time together.
As you put us on the path, your word says in Jeremiah 6, 16,
that there is a good path, that there's a good way to take.
And so we're asking that you would give us those ancient ways tonight,
that you would help us to navigate to the good path in our lives,
in the area of expectations and relationship in Jesus name.
Amen.
All right.
So a little housekeeping here at the beginning,
the app was approved by the app store.
Don't go to try to find it and download it, right?
We're not onboarding y'all right now.
And the reason why is because there are a few little bugs that are being worked out.
Accoutrements, testing all the things, we're finding some issues
and we want to make sure that we work those issues.
We don't want to get.
For us to test it.
And so we are still testing it.
We just had a meeting yesterday with the app developers.
We put in a few tickets of things that need to be fixed.
And as soon as that happens, which should be in a timely manner,
we will be onboarding our moderator teams.
And then they'll get to, you know, mess with everything until they break it.
We want them to break it, right?
Because then we, we know how easy it is to break or not break.
And then after that phase three and the men's group.
So all of you here, you guys will be the next group to onboard.
Okay.
Am I cutting out?
Heather said, I'm cutting out.
Am I?
You were briefly better now.
You're better now.
Okay.
But did you guys know what I said?
It was chopped up.
Yes, we did.
Is it still choppy?
No, you're fine now.
Okay.
Definitely.
I've had some internet issues out here in the country.
The last couple of days.
In fact, one day I had no internet access at all.
Not on my phone.
Nowhere.
I didn't even have cell phone access.
And I was like, this is what the dark ages felt like.
And I made it through y'all.
I marked myself as safe from the day that the tech went out in Leander, Texas.
So we're going to, there's an echo.
We're going to start off with phase one, two, three, four, and five in the community
and talk about expectations at each phase of getting to know someone.
I'm trying to think if there was, there was one more bit of housekeeping.
I'm trying to remember what it is.
Bethany, do you remember what it is?
Someone is saying that it's still choppy.
Is that correct?
No, you're good now.
Like I, you're consistent.
It's not choppy anymore.
All right.
In Elena's world, I'm still choppy.
So I want to make sure that that doesn't happen.
All right.
Try to make sure that you're at Supernatural Saturday Live.
If you can be, we're going to have a really great time now.
Not that we always don't because we do,
but we're going to cover something super encouraging
and important.
And I hope that everyone that can be there live,
if you cannot be there live, we understand.
Make sure that you watch the replay.
All right.
Who's ready to dig in?
Hopefully I'll remember that last bit of housekeeping
because I feel like it was important.
Oh, y'all.
I know what it was.
So we had a marriage happen in our community
between a guy from the guy's group
and a woman from the woman's group.
Yay.
So we're so excited.
We are so excited.
And you guys, I was counting,
I was talking to Bethany today and Renee,
and I was actually counting how many couples
have actually gotten married from within this community.
And it's quite a few.
And so I'm very excited for our newest,
last year single success story, our newest newlyweds.
And I don't think that they're going to be on here tonight,
but we just want to say a public congratulations
to Art and Annette,
who got married over the weekend, last weekend.
And so congratulations to the newest Mr. and Mrs. Lewis.
And we're so excited for them.
And I've had the privilege to get to know both of them.
So for those of you that have gotten discouraged already,
and you've only been in here for like four or five months,
both of them were in here for two plus years.
I'm not saying that to scare you,
but they were working out some things in their own lives
and in their own things.
And guess what?
They saw each other during the course of those two years,
of course, that they were in here,
but it didn't really turn into that kind of romance
or even that kind of even connection
because they were just sort of ships passing
in the night in here until last year,
at the end of last year in the fall.
And so very, very excited.
That's the other thing, Vicky.
Thank you.
So we are going to put out a list
of all of the last trip single trips
for 2024 and the beginning of 2025.
We're gonna put out, save the date for that.
And so that was the other thing that I wanted to say.
All right.
Okay.
So how can we get from level one to level five,
but also what should our expectations be
as we're navigating those stages?
Right, for those of you that are like,
what are you talking about?
We must've skipped phase two,
the love story accelerator,
if you don't know what I'm talking about.
So for a little quick recap, let's do that.
Phase one is community.
Let's use Art and Annette as an example.
Art and Annette were in phase one relationship
for the whole time that they were in last year single
until just nine or 10 months ago.
They were in phase one.
They had never had a private conversation.
They had never been on a date.
They were long distance.
In fact, this is an international success story.
He was Canadian.
She lived in Washington.
And so none of that, right?
So it's possible to be in community with people
and see them, but actually really don't,
you don't know them yet.
You don't really know them that well,
whether it's someone at work or someone at church
or some other civic group or recreational group
that you're part of.
So that's phase one, community, write it down.
You're just in the same community.
You're in the same vicinity as each other, okay?
And then phase two is you start
kind of getting to know each other.
This is the get to know you phase
or the dreaded talking phase.
Anyone ever say like, hey, are you talking to anyone?
This is the dreaded talking stage.
Who dreads the talking stage?
Nobody likes that.
And that's why some of you try to skip the talking stage
by on the very first time you're talking,
tell the person everything about your entire life
from the time you were born until now
to try to skip up to see if you can get to phase three,
which is the intentional dating exclusive stage.
Now in the talking stage, in phase two, is there dating?
Yeah, there's dating.
Is it super serious dating?
It can get serious.
And that's when it usually transitions into level three.
So I'm sorry, level one, community,
level two, get to know you.
talking, low stakes dating,
which can start to become higher stakes dating
as you are further and further in level two.
Level three is we're together,
we're boyfriend and girlfriend,
we're intentional, we're not seeing anyone else,
we're exclusive.
We believe that this relationship has potential
to become the one, all right?
And then level four is engagement.
And level five is obviously marriage.
Any questions about the levels
before we start talking about expectations?
Nope, okay, great.
Now,
and I don't know who all is on here as far as on the team.
I know that Bethany is here,
so feel free to chime in, Bethany.
I don't see Renee here.
Okay, so phase one community, all of you,
I'm sorry, level one community,
all of you are in level one community
with each other right now.
And I think if you look around the room,
you see that there are lots of people that you don't know.
Aren't there?
Oh, Renee is here.
There's lots of people that you don't know
that you've never actually had
any kind of conversation with, correct?
But you've seen them on their little Zoom window
several times, and so you kind of recognize them.
You recognize them.
Now, would you recognize them out in public?
Would you be able to pick them out of a lineup?
Maybe not.
But when you're on this community together, you see them.
You might see them post in our groups,
and you see them ask questions about their situations
and different things in the Facebook groups
that you're involved in through this community,
but you don't know them.
Maybe your church has a Facebook page,
and maybe you have a big church.
Maybe you go to a church that has thousands of people in it,
and you see people post prayer requests,
or they post like, hey, I have a crib for sale
if anyone needs a crib, or this or that.
You see people posting within those groups,
but you don't know them.
You know what's really awkward is that
you don't know someone,
but you see them in a community page or something.
You see them on Facebook,
and then you see them in real life,
like at church or something,
and you know that you don't know them,
and yet you know their name, and you know their face,
and you feel like just saying, oh, hey, hi,
but you don't know them, right?
That happened to me the other day.
I was at a bride expo,
and one of the guys that I was trying to matchmake,
he got engaged, not to someone that I introduced him to,
but the mojo of the whole thing,
and I briefly, very briefly,
for like two hot seconds during COVID
was introduced to his mom, just briefly,
and so I'm at this bridal expo with some of y'all.
You were there with me,
and out of the corner of my eye, I see this girl,
and I'm like, I recognize that girl.
Why do I recognize her?
She's the fiance of this guy.
Now, remember, I did not match him with this girl,
and I've never met this girl before,
and I learned now after I just kind of
made a fool out of myself
that she doesn't speak very good English,
so I went up to her, and I was like, oh, hey, hi.
Are you so-and-so's fiance?
And she was like, oh, no English.
I'm like, oh, great, and then another voice piped up,
and it was his mom, and she's like, excuse me, who are you?
And I was like, oh, don't you remember me?
You know, we met briefly.
You know, she's like, no, and I was just like, okay.
Now I feel super weird, so it wasn't the greatest moment,
but this is what happens when we live
in a social media world, right, friends?
You might recognize people from social media
that you've never actually met in real life,
and so those would be level one relationships, okay?
Those would be level one relationships, okay?
Level two is when, for whatever reason,
you get some one-on-one time with somebody,
one-on-one time, meaning that you go out
on some sort of coffee date, or you go to lunch,
or someone fixes you up on a blind date.
Somebody fixes you up on a blind date.
This happened to my son the other day.
Somebody said to him, hey.
I have somebody that I would like you to meet.
Are you interested in meeting her?
And he said, maybe they showed him a picture.
He goes, ah, okay, yeah, sure.
So he went to something, he didn't tell me what,
I don't know if it was coffee or lunch or whatever.
Hopefully it wasn't any of that because he's my son.
So hopefully he's listening to the advice
that I give people, right?
But he went to something with this girl.
And when I talked to him on the phone today,
he said, oh, by the way, I had that date.
And I said, oh, I said, how'd that go?
And he said, it was fine.
And immediately I'm like, okay, so it's fine.
And he said, it's fine.
He said, and this is his next word, y'all.
He said, I don't need to do it again.
Meaning with her.
He's like, I don't need a second date,
but it was fine, right?
And I said, oh, okay.
I said, so what's the disconnect?
He said, we had absolutely no thing in common.
He said, it was really very awkward.
Conversation didn't flow at all.
It was painful in a way, like it was fine,
but at the same time, it was not fun.
So who's been on a date like that before?
And I want you to put up in the comments right now,
for those of you that said, yes,
you've been on a date like that before
where it's just super awkward
and there's nothing to talk about
and you're counting the minutes to when it's over, okay?
I want you to put in the chat where that meetup,
that date, where did it take place?
Did it take place sitting across the table
from someone at some sort of eating establishment
or coffee establishment?
I wanna see in,
someone walked them all their dogs,
coffee, coffee, coffee, zoo.
That's interesting.
Restaurant, restaurant, restaurant, restaurant, restaurant,
pizza shop, restaurant, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee,
coffee cafe, add church to the coffee cafe.
Talk about sitting in a fishbowl,
coffee, coffee, coffee.
He picked me up and we went to a movie.
No, y'all don't go on a first date to a movie.
What the heck?
No, comedy show, same thing.
You're watching something, it's loud.
There's no really time to interact.
Coffee, coffee, coffee, SeaWorld, that's good.
Coffee, restaurant, okay.
So I want you guys to see that the majority,
90% of you are saying that you were sitting across the table
from a stranger at a eating establishment
or a coffee establishment.
That's a no.
And I guarantee you that's what my son did too, right?
And the problem with this is twofold.
So let's go to expectations.
Well, I want to go through all the expectations,
but expectations for a phase two situation
is that not everyone is going to be their best self
the first time that you have a level two
interaction.
Some people take longer to warm up.
Some people are truly introverted people
and they don't make small talk very easily.
Let's see your hands if that applies to you.
Like you'd rather take a bullet
than try to make small talk with someone.
Let me see the hands of how many of you,
when you're trying to talk to someone that you don't know,
you get so nervous that you end up saying something weird.
Something awkward, something weird.
Okay.
Just so you know, guys, in a past life of mine,
when I was younger, they, like my family around me,
they literally called me Kramer from Seinfeld
because I was such a spaz
when I was trying to talk to people.
I would just totally spaz out.
So I'm sure none of you find that hard to believe.
Okay, so word vomit.
something awkward. So, okay. So you guys, so it's important that we understand that our expectations,
please write this down, is that people don't have to be the best version of themselves the very
first time that you talk to them. And with that being said, unless there was some horrible
situation that causes you not to ever want to connect with that person again,
giving them a chance to redeem a boring get-together is probably a good idea, isn't it?
Wouldn't you say? The first date that my now husband took me on, I drank an apple martini,
being someone who doesn't drink and now is allergic to alcohol, which works out for me.
But back then I drank an apple martini. And when I tell you that I was lit like a firecracker,
who knew that one drink could make you super, super, super, super buzzed. And I was about to
hang from the chandelier on the first get-together. It wasn't a good thing. I was talking like crazy.
I was being a spaz. I'm glad I got a second chance and David's in here somewhere. And I know
that he could attest that it's a hundred percent true. So be careful what you guys do. If you're
someone who, if you do break our rules and go on your first meetup at a coffee shop,
please be able to handle your caffeine. Cause if the caffeinated version of you
is a weirdo, you need to make sure that you don't over caffeinate. Okay. All right. All right. So
let's talk about these expectations. You guys, I want you to weigh in on this. Let's have some
fun tonight. All right. I don't want this to be the Jackie show tonight. So we're going to weigh in.
So level one community, what can we expect from people in community? We can expect
respect. If we, if we give it, then we can expect to receive it. Correct.
That's what we can expect. We can also expect within community that people we don't know really
well, wouldn't cross boundaries with us because we don't know them. What does that look like?
It looks like giving unsolicited advice. It's different if it's solicited. Some of y'all
advice, it's different if it's solicited, some of y'all, you post all your business
up in the community and then you invite it. You say, Hey, what do y'all think now? A whole
bunch of people that you don't know are going to post on that. I mean, you kind of asked for it.
Didn't you? But a lot of people might give you unsolicited advice. You might be on a zoom like
this and you might get brave and you unmute yourself and you ask a question or you talk
about a scenario that you're going through. And then all of a sudden you got a DM from someone
that you don't know, but they're part of this community giving you unsolicited advice or
usually judgment, unsolicited advice. Y'all is usually called judgment.
Just in case you didn't know that. So that is not an expectation that you can have in level one.
It's not. Okay. So respect. What else can we expect? And I'm not talking just about this
community, although it's a good example, since we're all in level one together in this community,
some of y'all are at level two, cause you're talking. Some of y'all might even be at level
three and I'm not aware of it. But level one community here online or in person,
whether it's your job, whether it's your church,
let's list out some other expectations that we can have for people that we just
really don't know that well, or at all. We're Christians. So kindness, right, Mike? And you
guys feel free short, brief, and powerful to unmute yourself and say we can assume the best
about people. Yeah. I mean, why not assume the best? You don't know people friendly conversation
sometimes. Right. Can we expect you guys, can we expect that if you're in community with someone
and you recognize them, but you don't know them and you're out of the context of that community.
So say I'm at the grocery store and I see somebody who goes to my church and I don't know them,
but I definitely recognize them.
Can we expect that we would say hi?
Because we recognize each other, right?
And so we could expect that even though
we don't know each other,
because we're in a community together,
that we would be not just kind, but also friendly.
There's nothing more annoying than seeing someone in public
and you know they know who you are,
and yet they act like they don't see you.
That's rude.
Jeannie said, we can assume that they're single
in this community.
Yes, we can assume that you're not married.
In here, trying to find your second wife
for your sister-wife squad.
In here, trying to add someone to your thruple.
No, there will be no thruples.
If you don't know what that means,
you're gonna have to Google it,
because I just can't.
It's such a mess.
All right, keeping an open mind.
Yes, you guys, in this community
and also in other spiritual communities,
we can expect people to not judge us.
Can't we expect that?
Isn't that an expectation that seems, right?
You don't know me.
You can't judge me, right?
Right.
All right.
And you guys remember, community is men or women, right?
Because this is a non-romantic level
of relationship with others.
And I think you could put family as well at that level.
Well, not at that level.
I guess you'd probably, honestly,
depending on your relationship with your family,
where do you think they would go in the levels?
I think that they would probably go at four or five.
We should have intimate relationships with our family
if they're safe, right?
Cheer each other on.
Great, Elena, that's a really good one.
Cheer each other on.
We can expect support in community.
Right, okay.
All right, let's go on to level two.
This is where now, for whatever reason,
and it could have been a blind date,
someone else could have made the appointment for you
to go to level two,
because level two is always when you're having a one-on-one
with someone, whether that's a phone call,
because you met them on a dating app,
whether that's a Zoom,
because you met them on a dating app,
whether that is a blind date,
because someone else thought y'all
should really meet each other,
or whether that is some form of meetup
that you have agreed to go on with each other.
You guys, group dates don't count.
Group dates are not level two,
meaning that a whole bunch of singles are going somewhere
and you're going to,
and there's a guy or girl that you like in that group.
That does not count as a level two situation.
That's still community.
Cool?
And the reason why I say that,
and the reason why it's important
is because a lot of people will start to, you know,
read things into something in a group situation like that,
because someone's laughing with you a lot,
or they're paying attention to you,
or seeming like they're flirting with you
within the group setting.
But unless that person tries to get you away from the herd
and ask you to go do something one-on-one,
then what your expectations can be
is that person, for whatever reason,
isn't interested in moving forward
or taking things any deeper at this time,
for whatever reason.
Sometimes it could be the reason
that is that you're in community together
and they don't want to mess that up.
So realistically, your expectation in community
is none of these people are romantically interested in me,
unless they try to get me to a level two situation.
And I'm going to tell you,
you're going to save yourself a lot of heartbreak
if you really believe that and keep that there.
I can't tell you how many people pine away
after someone that goes to their church
or someone who works.
with them because they feel like they smile a little bit longer at them, or they talk to them
a little bit longer, or, you know, they go out of their way to come and talk to you within the
group or the crowd. Unless they want to take it to level two, which is one-on-one,
you need to have your expectations be that this person is my friend.
Does that help at all?
Oh, but Jackie, every single after-church service, so-and-so makes a beeline to me,
wants to talk to me. I see them looking at me from across the room, catching my eye.
They didn't ask you to have a level two, so maybe they dislike your attention.
But until and if that happens, they are in community with you.
But I had a dream about them, and I know that they're my husband or wife. Uh-uh.
No, because you know what would happen if they were your husband or wife?
They would ask you to go somewhere with them.
That's where it would start, for sure. Right? Right. So that's what's important,
is that we do not have missed expectations at level one just because we have a crush on someone
or we think that they're vibing with us, unless it goes further. Now, level two is still low stakes,
so let's talk about expectations there. Are we missing any expectations from level one before
we continue? Anybody? So remember, your expectation for level one is that if they like me as more than
a community friend, they will not just seek me out, but ask me to go to level two, to hang out
exclusively, one-on-one, not exclusively, but privately. But not privately, like not in their
room at their house, but you know what I'm saying, right? Okay. I think, Jackie, level one,
no ghosting. Please, if you're not interested, reply to the other person. It is just very
respectful and kind. So good, Nitin. Okay. So if you try to take someone to level two
and they do not want to go, right? They're not interested in having anything past community
friendship with you. And y'all, this is important. Our rules here are that you should give it a
chance. You should be open. You should give it a chance. You never know. It's a yes until it's a
no. But if for whatever reason, it's already a no for you, for whatever reason, Nitin is 100%
right. And that goes back to the very first thing we said, respect. Do not treat someone the way
that you would not want to be treated within your communities, your vast communities. Do not do that.
Okay. And you know what else? I'm just going to say it. You also can't call dibs on somebody.
Just because you like the way they look and you have a crush on them,
this is for all of you that are in churches with single people. And then all of a sudden
in your friend group, you're like, I got dibs on Brad. I saw him first. And how do you do that
by saying, oh, I got a crush on him. Oh, you know, I'm just, I really like him a lot. You know,
I hope he asked me out. Now, everybody else who Brad might actually want to ask out, if it's not
you feel some kind of way about that, don't they? And the other thing is that if you do go out with
Brad and you're like, oh, I don't like Brad at all. You know, Brad's a jerk. I would never date
Brad, you know, whatever, as long as they didn't do something criminal or something inappropriate
or something on Christ-like and ungodly, you just don't like their personality. Don't ruin them
in the community. Don't ruin them in the community. Don't ruin their reputation.
Don't keep other people from being able to find out for themselves.
Just because you don't like them doesn't mean that someone else isn't going to like them.
Is that true? You guys, there's a lot of really big churches connected to my movement
that have lots and lots of singles at them. And I will tell you, I see this happening a lot
at these churches. I'll show up as the matchmaker and say, oh, hey, I think, you know,
why don't you go out with so-and-so? Oh, no, no, no. Kerry went out with him too.
two years ago, and she said that it was an awful date.
Who cares what Carrie said?
Seriously.
You guys don't do that.
That's not right.
And just because they don't ask you out on a second date
and it doesn't go any further with you,
don't try to ruin it for everybody else.
You need to check your heart.
And that includes in this community.
It does, that includes in this community.
Remember, not everyone's supposed to like you,
just one person.
You only get one, y'all, right?
Okay, so these are some really good expectations
for community level relationships.
So when someone takes you away from the crowd,
whether that's you ladies, you drop the hanky,
you get him to go someplace with you.
Gentlemen, you ask her out, you shoot your shot,
you get, you know, and maybe, and you guys,
let's not forget that dating apps are also communities.
Right?
Those are communities.
All the people that you're swiping on,
all those people are level one.
You're in community with those people.
And so treat them with respect.
You decide to join that Hinge app or that Bumble app
or Facebook dating.
You were in community with those people.
So treat them with respect.
If you don't like what their profile says,
you know, you can swipe left on them.
That's fine.
Okay?
But a lot of you end up seeing people
that you know on those apps,
people that you know from other communities on those apps.
And then you're like, oh, I don't know what to do right now.
I recognize this person.
This person goes to my church or I work with this person.
And then what do you do?
Well, you treat them with respect.
If you think that it would be not a good thing to,
you know, swipe right on them because you work with them
and, you know, at your job, you're not allowed to date,
then go ahead and swipe left.
Just because you see them on a dating app
and you know them in community, please hear me,
does not make it a sign from God.
Oh, wow.
My God.
I see this, this guy.
I work with him.
I recognize him.
You know, it must be, oh, no, that's not true.
Especially if your work has a no dating policy.
Good teaching, Jackie.
You don't want to get him in trouble.
Good teaching, Jackie.
You don't want to get in trouble.
You don't want to get him in trouble.
It's not a sign.
Okay?
Now, if there isn't any weirdness around it
and you're like, oh, that's interesting.
They're on here, I'm on here.
If you're bold enough, you could go ahead and swipe right.
See what happens.
Hopefully they will, if they see you as well,
it will at least be a respectful interaction.
Because remember, we want to,
if you see any of your friends here on dating apps
and you know that they're not someone
that you're interested in like that, then it's okay.
It's okay to swipe left.
You don't have to feel guilty about it.
It's okay to do that.
All right, so we got to level two now.
The get to know you stage.
This is the get to know me better stage.
Also referred to as the talking stage,
also referred to as the low stakes hangouts, dating stage.
But as you go on more and more dates
with the same person at this level two place,
it is normal for those conversations
to get deeper and deeper and deeper.
I want you to think of yourself
as starting out in the shallow end of the pool
on level two dates.
Okay?
And then walking towards the deep end of the pool
until it gets to a place where you can no longer walk
and now you got to swim.
That should be the pacing.
And that pacing might go faster.
Some of you might find yourself
in the deeper end of conversations with this person
by three dates in.
As long as it feels healthy
and it doesn't feel like oversharing afterwards
and after, you know, you'll know.
If you've been talking about things
that are like kind of way above the pay grade
of the current connection, after it's over with,
you might feel a little vulnerable
about what you shared with someone that you hardly know.
Okay?
There might also be like a hit of dopamine and excitement
because you've made this deeper emotional connection,
but there's probably simultaneously going to be a little bit
of what I call an emotional hangover.
That means that.
You probably just want to pull back a little bit
and not go as deep as you're getting to know that person.
I had a client, a private client.
She told me that she had been texting with this guy
for a week or so, and that when they showed up
for their face-to-face at coffee, okay?
I forget what the question was that he asked,
but anyway, she answered the question,
and she's sort of a more like reserved personality.
She ended up, because of all the texting before the date,
she ended up sharing a whole lot more than she expected to
because he was kind of easy to talk to,
and she walked away from that time with him,
not feeling good,
but actually feeling like kind of naked, right?
She felt exposed in some ways,
and it actually caused there to be a disconnection
to where, yeah, they did have a good time with each other,
but because they moved emotionally too fast on that date
and there were a lot of really personal things
that were shared, she actually didn't feel comfortable
getting back together with him again,
because she was, what, embarrassed.
So level two expectations that you would go slow
with the connection.
And remember, slow is gonna mean something different
for everyone.
Some of you have never met a stranger,
and you will talk to the person sitting next to you
on the subway and tell them your entire life story.
So for you, slow is that you made it two dates
without telling them about your childhood abuse.
Bravo.
Right?
So pacing yourself is important.
Yes, Mike Anthony, you're correct.
You have never met a stranger.
I met Mike in person just recently,
and there's some of you that are true extroverts,
and y'all gotta slow your roll,
because extroverts can be scary people, they can.
It always reminds me of the opening scenes
of the Mickey Mouse Club or Kids Incorporated
where all the kids are introduced to,
hi, I'm Mickey, how are you today?
You know, like, no.
You know what I'm talking about?
Hi, I'm Penny.
And then the suspenders or whatever, no.
All right, so yes, when you guys get together,
it's a spectacular phenomenon to watch
two extroverts get together, a phenomenon,
monomenum, monomenum.
Bum-ba-na-na-na, na-na-na-na.
I have no idea how to say that word.
Phonetic dyslexia, here we are.
The extroverts get together, and it's crazy to watch.
You're just like, whoa, what just happened?
So if you're on a date with another extrovert,
then there's probably gonna be serious fireworks.
But if not, you might overshare if you're an extrovert.
Is it okay to respond to a guy who reaches out
when you are in a level three relationship
who doesn't know you are in a relationship
just to say thank you, but I am dating someone?
Is it okay to respond?
Yeah, of course you wanna respond, Joanne.
You know, we're not beasts in a field.
They don't know that you're dating someone.
They're not trying to get in on that.
They're just like, hey, how are you doing?
Oh, good.
And you guys don't be worried about it like,
oh, good, but I'm in a relationship, right?
Oh, hey, good, but I'm in a relationship,
so just I'm dead to you now.
No, because you don't know if you're gonna be
in that relationship three months from now,
so you best be nice because this could be someone
that you're gonna circle back around to.
And so let's talk about that.
Okay, we're gonna talk about that
and expectations at level three.
So let's put a pin in that.
You guys remind us how you can talk to people
when they see how you're doing and you're in level three.
Okay, level two, getting to know you.
So put up some expectations that you would have
for the getting to know you talking stage
with someone or with several people.
So that's one of the expectations.
You can expect at the early stages of level two
that you would still be talking to other people
besides this person, if there's anyone to talk to,
if there's anyone to get to know.
You're not locked down, you're not exclusive,
it's not a romantic relationship yet.
One thing that you can have as an expectation at level two
is that there's no sexual contact.
Personally, I would not have sexual contact with someone until later in level two, as it becomes
level three or in level three. And when I say sexual contact, I obviously don't mean sex.
I mean, anything that is romantically based. So we call it romantic contact. I think holding
hands is romantic contact. You might not. I do think it is. I would not hold hands
with a man that I'm not romantically interested in unless it was my child.
Okay. So holding hands, kissing, snuggling, cuddling. I know that there are people that
are just like, oh, well, you know, they came over to watch something and we cuddled,
but you know, it's not romantic. Cuddling's romantic y'all. As romantic. Okay.
It's the most romantic.
I mean, yeah.
In my experiences, cuddling always leads to other things. And so maybe cuddling could just happen
for the sake of cuddling, but yes, when you're, when you're older and married, I think that that's
true. Okay. So kissing, obviously anything else, you know, that you shouldn't be doing all of that
is for those higher levels of relationship. All right. So your expectations at level two
is that it would be, can something be romantic and platonic at the same time? Yes, it can.
Meaning that you're excited about this person, you know, you have some feelings
that are starting to emerge for this person and yet it's still a non-romantic relationship.
Okay.
Okay. Some of you guys are putting up some appropriate questions, expectations of questions
because I think that it's important that you don't make a list of like things that you're going to do
as far as question asking, you know, learn how to have good boundaries. Okay. We have that in this,
in this course. That's why we teach you that. And then go with the flow of, of going from that
shallow end to that deep end. You know, there's going to be like, for instance, say you're getting
to know someone say that you've been on like two dates with them. It's going really well.
You're excited to get to know them better. And then their dog dies. And then they show up
in a very emotional space with you that you. I've only been on two dates with them, but their,
their dog that they love died. And so, you know, you're like, Hey, how are you doing today? Oh,
my dog died. And you know you get on the phone with them or, you know what, they're just a mess
emotionally. They're an emotionally vulnerable place or God forbid, maybe their parent passed
away or something happened as you're getting to know this person that automatically thrust you
into the deeper end of the pool with them. That stuff happens. And if you really like that person
and you're getting to know them and you're like getting to know them, you're not going to be like,
Oh no, no. You know, we can't talk about, you know, your, you know, your, your, your dog that
passed away. I can't be there for you in this situation. Cause I, I, you know, we're only in a
level two relationship. The expectation that you would have at level two is sometimes level two
escalates very quickly to level three because of circumstances. The only thing we don't want
you to have an expectation of is that, you know, you focus on one person and it escalates very
quickly to level three, simply because, you know, you want to get to the romantic parts
because you want to lock it down because you, you know, want to just be done dating.
And so you just want to like, okay, you'll do, I pick you.
Okay. Jackie, I'm sorry. I actually have a question. Yeah, come on. So you brought up
earlier about, you know, the scenarios of like first dates of approaching level two,
like restaurants and coffee shops. It can, can get awkward, especially for the introverted types.
Is there any recommendations or maybe what would you think would be the best,
some of the best options for a first date? Well, you know, we go over that in phase two
at the love story accelerator. So if you guys didn't take that, I don't know really how you
guys couldn't have taken that. But.
Um, you know, anything that really lets you see that person's personality come out.
So walks are good.
The zoo.
Someone said the zoo was a first date that they had.
I think that's a great idea.
I think that's super fun.
Movies are not a good idea.
I don't like coffees and restaurants unless you absolutely have to, and that's where you
feel safe.
I don't like hikes or anything in the woods with a stranger.
Don't go into the woods with a stranger y'all mean seriously.
Have you not watched any lifetime movies?
Don't go in the woods with a stranger, no hikes, nothing like that.
Public places, crowded public places like walking around, you know, um, if you live
in a New York city, central park would be a great first date.
The zoo would be a great first date for all of you that live in places like that.
Um, the beach, but not like in a bathing suit beach, but like, you know, taking a walk along
a beach where there's lots of people like on a pier for those who live in California,
going on the pier, different things like that.
Coney Island amusement parks.
Here's the thing about first dates and amusement parks.
That's a long day to be with someone.
If you, they're annoying, I definitely wouldn't do the marathon date for the first date, meaning
that you go someplace where you bought the ticket and you're on the ride places like
Disneyland or Cedar point or six flags, or even SeaWorld.
Someone said, I would not do anything that causes you to have to be with someone all
day long, especially if you're not vibing with them.
Cool.
Perfect.
Now you go out with them a couple of times and you vibe with them and you're like, I
really enjoy this person's personality and company.
Then go, go for it.
Do the, do the marathon date, the eight hour amusement park day.
Okay.
All right.
So level two, I'm glad you asked if that was Jeannie, I'm glad you asked.
And that is the expectations for most level two dates is that they would be short, that
they wouldn't last and in the, in, in all communication at this level.
Now I know y'all break all these rules and rules are meant to be broken.
And so if you're feeling it and it's vibing and it's way you want it to be, then go for
it.
But as a boundary talking for hours and hours and hours on the phone with someone at level
two, it's not sustainable.
It's not a sustainable thing, which means at some point in the relationship, even if
you get to level three, that communication is going to start to Peter out and what's
going to happen.
Then the person is going to start to think that you're less interested in them because
you spent all this time at three hour phone calls, sharing everything in the world with
each other.
And now you're exclusive at level three, boyfriend and girlfriend, and you can barely
get a 25 minute phone call out of them.
Why?
Because the three hour phone call is not sustainable.
It should never happen in the first place.
It shouldn't have my husband barely even answers my text messages.
That's not a lie though.
He's not a texter.
And that's the other thing.
Level two, you can expect that people have different communication levels and different
bandwidth for communication.
You're like, well, then how can I tell if they're interested in me or not?
The way you can tell is, is that whatever they're, you know, whatever they're, and this
is why I hate the three hour phone call, because maybe that person was super excited.
They talked to you for three hours, but they are not a communicator, a high level communicator
like that.
And then as you go forward in relationship, or you try to go forward, they're less and
less and less communicative because that's the real them.
That's the real them.
They get exhausted by that type of communication.
And so now all of a sudden, you know, you feel like they're either pulling away.
And if you have an anxious attachment, that's not good, right?
We see all the anxious attachers, it's not a bad thing.
You just have to learn how to control it.
You've got to learn how to not tell yourself the weird stories that cause you to do weird
things.
Oh, come on.
I know there's more of you than that.
By the way, this is the most, this is the biggest and most popular attachment style
for women.
Anxious attachment.
Okay.
So that's what will happen as an anxious attacher.
If you have these big marathon phone calls, and then all of a sudden that person goes
back to something that's more normal and sustainable for them.
You're going to start to feel some rejection, even though it's not real.
The three hour phone call wasn't real.
Do you guys hear what I'm saying?
That's what was the anomaly.
That was the thing that wasn't real.
Short little 30 minute calls or the text messages
a couple times a day, the calls a couple times a week,
that's more real.
Is someone like getting free
from some missed expectations here?
You know what you can do in level two
as it gets more serious?
You can have a conversation about communication
and about expectations around communication.
You can say to someone,
hey, you know, like what's your communication style?
Some people hate the phone.
Raise your hand if you hate the phone.
Like you would rather have a root canal
than talk on the phone.
In fact, young people don't even know
that the phone works as a phone.
They don't even know that you actually,
like, I'll never forget it.
I forget, I'll never forget it, but I forget.
My son or my daughter or someone was like,
you know what?
They should make something like, you know,
like you can talk into it.
And then the other person receives the message
of you talking and then they talk back
and then you can hear them.
Like you can hear their voice.
I'm like, it's called the phone.
Are you kidding me right now?
I'm like, it has been created.
It's called the phone.
But you guys, that's how this generation communicates
through text message, right?
Through writing, through text,
through a whole hieroglyphic language full of emojis
and shorthand of like letters that mean things.
All right.
I will tell you guys,
hashtag GRWM for the longest time,
I thought it meant grown woman
instead of get ready with me.
That's hilarious.
That is hilarious.
I was posting things about like, you know,
what grown women should want in a man.
And I was hashtagging get ready with me
for the longest time.
Okay.
So having a conversation, do you like to text?
Are you a texter?
Do you like to talk on the phone?
Do you like to video chat?
Some of you get your panties in a wad
because you're like, oh, well, you know,
they don't want to Zoom with me.
And yes, we do want to have that face to face initially,
make sure they're not a scammer.
Another expectation for level two
is that you get to do whatever you need to do
to prove they're a real person.
Okay.
Especially for those of you that are on the apps.
And if they don't want to do that, then guess what?
You need to move on immediately
because they're hiding something.
If they're not willing to have some sort of connection
with you that proves to you that,
and you're not saying to them,
I want to prove you're a real person.
But if you're like, hey, let's jump on the phone
or hey, let's video chat.
Most apps have a video chat feature now.
If they're not willing to do that,
your expectation is that they would be willing to do that
if they're interested.
Another expectation for level two,
if they're interested in you as a potential romantic,
you know, as a romantic potential,
they are going to want to get in person with you
unless it's long distance, of course,
they're going to want to get in person with you.
That's another expectation that you can have.
So if every day that you're talking to them,
it's like, hey, hi, how are you?
Hi, how are you?
And it never leads to a date.
It's always talking and no dating,
especially if they're local and within reach,
then your expectation is that you should move on.
This person is not in a relationship-minded space
in their life.
I know it's so hard to cut people loose
when you're like, oh, they seem nice.
They also seem not relationally minded.
And so if you're serious about getting to know someone
for the purpose of a romantic connection,
do not waste your time on the people
that just want to text you.
And don't feel bad about it.
The more space that you make in your life,
a lot of you complain, I have no time.
So don't waste your time on people
who are not interested.
They don't even have to be scammers.
They're just on the apps.
You're like, well, Jackie, why would they be on the apps
if they're not interested in dating?
It's a dating app because they want attention
because they like attention.
They like to have a conversation with someone
because remember you swiped on me.
And so that's an ego boost for me.
You swiped on me.
So you must think I'm cute.
And now we're going to have like a little flirtatious
conversation or something.
No, these are dating apps.
They're not talking flirting apps or dating apps.
And so if you don't want to go on a date,
your expectation should be that they want to get on a date
within three to four conversations.
And when I say conversations, y'all, I mean like conversations.
You could have more than one of those in the same day.
There should be in those preliminary conversations, a invite to let's
get together and meet in person.
If there's not goodbye.
Um, someone said, why do men ask me to move off Facebook app to
telegram signal or WhatsApp?
Uh, that that's usually, that's usually a scam.
It's not always scammers, but it usually is a scam.
And if a man is not aware that that's what scammers do, um, they're real.
First of all, there's no reason to move off of a dating app
to go to a different app.
Most dating apps have abilities to, you know, voice message, each
other to video call each other.
There's no reason to move to another one.
And so if they insist on doing it, it doesn't make any sense.
If someone wants to move you off of a dating app to talk to you or get to
know you better, it better be that they're moving you into an in-person.
Right?
There isn't any reason to keep talking somewhere else.
Let's get together in person.
And so your other expectation at level two is that you should be
able to get in person with someone, especially if they're local to you.
Within a week, two weeks at the most, if they have a busy schedule of meeting
them, if they say that they want to meet up in person, that you should
have a planned meetup face-to-face within two weeks of, of meeting that person.
Renee and Bethany, do you want to weigh in on any of this?
Yeah, I just definitely, you guys, there seems to always be a lot of excuses
why people drag on the texting and you're like, how do I stop the texting?
Stop answering the text.
Like just say, Hey, you know, those are really great questions.
Better said in person or on video.
So it's less clunky.
And then you just stop answering the questions and you just be really clear
that you're looking for a date.
And you're like, Oh, that's a great question.
And then you just stop answering the questions and you just be really clear
that you're looking for like the next thing.
And if they're interested, they're going to book the video date.
They're going to book a walk.
They're going to do it.
And if they're not interested, they will fall off, but let them, let them move it
along.
Yeah.
And you guys just want to always has an excuse if they always have an excuse of,
Oh, I'm busy at work or, Oh, I was sick or, Oh, I was on vacation or the bleh.
Once again, when you're getting to know someone, your expectation should be that
they want to get to know you.
Because if they don't, for whatever reason, they're not a viable candidate for a
romantic partnership.
It doesn't matter what the reason is.
They're not that interested in you.
Fine.
They're too busy and they don't have bandwidth and space in their life for a
relationship.
Fine.
Get off the apps.
You know, they have a situation ship going on and they're trying to keep their
options open in case it doesn't work out, whatever.
It doesn't matter what the reason is.
All you need to know is this person connected with me and now it's not going
forward.
Going to cut my, going to cut my losses of, you know, time because remember any
time spent getting to know someone, it's not a loss.
It's good, but you got to go ahead and move on.
Do you tell them that you are moving on?
Hmm.
I mean, back to what Nitton said, I wouldn't ghost anyone.
So like if they're actively talking to you and yet it's not moving forward, you
can say to them, Hey, you know, what's it going to take to get off of this app and
get in person?
You can drop the hanky hard ladies.
Okay.
Seriously.
That's like a, that's like a 20 pound hanky.
And that's it.
If they don't, if they don't realize that, Oh, whoa, gotta get together in person.
It's time to get together in person.
If they don't realize that, then you're just, once again, you are wasting your
time and it's important for you to move on.
Gentlemen, same thing.
If she's Hemin and Han and she's giving you excuses and you know, especially
women, if you ask them on a date and they're like, Oh, I'm washing my hair,
I'm doing this or that.
She doesn't want to go out with you.
Go ahead and just move on.
And it can be for a lot of different reasons.
You don't have to take it personally.
She could be already talking to someone else and she likes that person better.
And she wants to see where that goes, but she also doesn't
want to close her options off.
It could also be that, you know, she is afraid to get together
with someone in person.
She's on the app and that's already a big step for her, but she doesn't know
about meeting up with a stranger.
stranger from the internet, that could also be a thing.
And so gentlemen, make sure that you are very chivalrous and very open and authentic.
If you're going to do anything on apps with women so that they, you can make them feel
as comfortable as possible.
Don't share inappropriate feelings too soon.
Doesn't matter how much you feel like you've known them all your life.
Don't say stuff like that, especially with someone that you haven't met in person.
These are things that can cause women to pull back really quickly.
And so you want to make sure that you're appropriately pacing that conversation and
then making it clear to her that you want to get together in person.
If she keeps making excuses of why she can't then to go ahead and move on.
So once again, level two, your expectations should be that they want to get to know you
better.
That being said, if you're going on dates with someone who doesn't ask you anything
about yourself, all they do is talk the entire time about themselves.
That's a deal breaker.
Why?
Because the expectations at the getting to know you stage level two is that this person
wants to get to know you.
If all they're doing is taking you out because they love to just let, you know, to love to
have someone who's just going to listen to them, talk about themselves for three hours,
they're going to have to find somebody else.
Raise your hand if you've had at least one date like that.
So not everyone is a great conversationalist.
Some people get nervous and they over-talk.
It's up to you to discern the difference between what I'm saying and that, okay?
But I will tell you this.
If you are on a discovery date with someone, a get to know you better date, and that person
is more interested in talking about themselves than in asking you questions, that is usually
not a good harbinger.
And for those of you that raised your hands that you've been at least one date like that,
if you went on a second date with them and they did the exact same thing, keep your hand
up because usually that doesn't improve.
Now once again, you should be able to discern whether or not this person is just over-talking
because they're nervous.
Hopefully you're aware enough about that.
So the other expectation at level two is this person wants to get to know me.
They want to ask me questions about myself, but here's another expectation for level two.
Those questions shouldn't be overly personal, should they?
You should have the expectation when you're getting to know someone that there are some
topics that are not on the table.
And if someone brings up one of those topics and they feel like, you know, they feel really
comfortable with you and they want to ask you something really personal.
Like once a girl told me that she had gone on a couple of dates with a guy and before
their third date, he decided that he wanted to ask her whether or not she was a virgin.
That's not appropriate.
It's not because he's only asking for one or two reasons.
He's asking to find out whether or not she's, you know, willing to have sex outside of marriage
or you know, whatever.
It's only asking to kind of like get sex on the docket of things that they can talk about
or he's super religious.
And if your answer is no, then he's not interested in, in, in having a relationship any further.
Both of those reasons are no good, right?
Someone that you're getting to know their past sex life is none of your business yet.
Your expectation should be that that would not become someone's business until you are
in an intentional, committed, exclusive relationship with them.
And you guys, I use sex because it's always the big one, but there are all kinds of other
things that would not be appropriate for someone to, you know, be asking you about
right.
As you're just getting to know them, go ahead and put those in the chat.
What do you think some of those things are?
How many days of messaging, unless they have said they're.
busy, how long do you go on texting if no phone number or meet up conversation before
deleting and moving on? I just say a couple conversations, Victoria, if they're not interested
in meeting up within a couple conversations, just move on.
Okay.
So Joel, Joel, and that could kind of go either way. You know, sometimes people get these
questions from sites of like, what are the best questions to ask a potential partner?
And so if someone said something like, what, you know, what are the qualities that you
want in a partner, you know, kind of thing that could be them, like getting that advice
from some sort of site or some sort of book. Right. Doesn't that sound like something you
would read in a book or something like that. And so I wouldn't give them a demerit for
that. Um, and I would just be, I'd be very general in my answering of that. You don't
have to dig into the nitty gritty. Um, and it's up to you once again, to use your discernment.
If your gut tells you that something's off, if your gut tells you that, Hey, this person
is just trying to find out what I'm looking for so that they could become that right.
And get me into kind of a toxic situation. Cause you're like, people don't do that. Oh,
Yes they do. Yes they do. And so if you feel like, you know, I definitely wouldn't answer
that question on an app, Joe Ellen, if someone asked me that as I'm dating them, like on
going on dates with them, trying to get to know them. And you know, that's one of the
questions that they asked me one night, like, you know, what qualities are you looking for
in a partner that is the appropriate framework to even give them a 35,000 foot view of what
you're looking for. If someone has asked you that just cold on a dating app, they're
probably a scammer or they're probably someone who has nefarious purposes. Okay. And so you
don't want to get involved in any kind guys on the dating app itself or any kind of app,
any kind of community where it's just, you know, virtual and, um, technology don't have
deep conversations. If you're going to have a deeper conversation, let that be face-to-face
Whether that's on a zoom call or that's in person as you're getting to know this person
better. How long has your past relationships lasted? Yeah. Those are all things that need
to be happening. Those questions are appropriate at the end of level two. You're like why level
two, not level three, Jackie, because there's going to have to be some connection that's
being made in level two to get you to level three. People don't just decide to become
exclusive with people that they don't have connection with. Right. So there has to be
some sharing that happens as you get to know this person better. And that's why I really
love the idea of being in the shallow end of the pool and slowly walking towards the
deep end until, you know, until you're swimming. How many relationships have you had? When's
the last time you've been on a date? Have you met many people off the apps? All of that
could be just harmless. And it also could be a setup for something else. It's important
for you to use your discernment and to do the hard work so that you're not suspicious.
You're using intuition and not suspicion past abuse info given. That's definitely not something
that you should be giving anyone outside of level three. So let's talk about level three
because we don't want to run out of time. So level three, what are your expectations
for level three? If you're going to say yes to being exclusive with someone, gentlemen,
if you're going to ask a woman to be exclusive with you, then your expectation is going to
be that this is a courtship. Okay. We're all old enough in here that our girlfriend
and boyfriend eras are over. Your expectation is, is that this is leading to marriage.
Level three dating is for mating. Please write that down. Keep it at level two. If this person
does not have the attributes that you would want to see in a husband, wife, father, mother,
you know, obviously to your kids, not to you, to your future children or your current children.
Um, if it's a blended family situation, don't say yes to someone don't go to level three. Don't feel
I had this one client. She said she always felt like guys liked her better than she liked them.
And they were always trying to lock her down and exclusivity and take her to level three.
And she would always say yes. And then she would just like four or five weeks into level
three. She'd always break up with them. You guys, you don't have to feel bullied
or coerced or guilted or pressured into level three. If you don't feel like this person has
the attributes of a future partner, it doesn't mean you want to marry them tomorrow. But if you
don't see yourself ever marrying them, you don't plan on being at level three with them.
Right.
Don't go exclusive with someone that does not have, you know, things that you're looking
for in a life partner.
Okay.
So when you do say yes to that, you can expect, I think a very practical expectation is, is
that you can expect to be at level three with someone no later than, um, three to six months
into knowing them.
I would say more on the three month.
And the reason why I say six is because sometimes people are just really slow, but here's your
expectation.
If you're seeing this person regularly at level two, they seem interested in you.
They seem engaged.
You know, you're not like, you know, you're not like their, their late night call that
they make because they're bored or you're not there.
Their backup plan in case their real plans fall through, they're engaging you.
You know, you're dating them.
You're just not girlfriend and boyfriend yet, then that could take, that could take up to
six months.
I think it's more on the two to three month kind of train with this age group of people.
Long distance might take a little bit longer.
It might happen quicker.
What are your expectations of at level two with long distance?
Once again, intentionality, regular communication, right?
And not oversharing, not trying to make some crazy emotional bond because you're having
three and four hour, five hour conversations with each other because you're long distance
level three, long distance.
You can also expect that this person is making attempts to see you regularly and vice versa
because you have to work together when it's long distance, share the costs.
If you have to plan it together, don't just put it on one person because they're a man
or they're the woman or they should do it or I, you know, uh, you know, no, you guys
both have to be in it to win it, to make long distance work.
And we'll do a whole path session sometime on like long distance and different things
like that.
But at level three, you can expect that if you're at level three, that this is a relationship
that can go all the way.
They could actually be the one.
And when I say the one, I mean the one in this season, because I believe that there's
lots of people you could be compatible with, but this is the person that matches where
you are in life now.
This could be the person that matches where you are in life now that you could actually
marry and grow with into the future.
Otherwise don't go to level three.
You're like, well, if I don't go to level three, then I'll never really know if there,
if that, no, that's what you do at level two, especially at the latter stages of level two.
I want you to really view, especially for the purpose of this community and the levels
here, I want you to view level three as a courtship.
It's no longer a dating relationship is now a courtship.
What's the difference between those two things?
Marriage mindedness.
Should you go to level three?
Here's one of your expectations for a level three relationship that they do want to be
married.
Now they haven't decided if it's going to be you yet, but they see potential there and
they're working towards being able to make that decision because level four is where
the man says, I want you to be my wife.
But if this person has told you in level two, over and over again, you like them, you're
having fun with them.
You're hanging out.
You're having such a good time, but they have made it clear that they do not plan to marry.
Do you go into a level three relationship with that person?
Do you lock yourself down in exclusivity, hoping that they're going to change their
mind someday when they realize how amazing you are?
Gentlemen, this goes for you too.
The other expectation that you can have at level three is that this person has cleared
space in their life for you.
I don't care if they own their own business.
I don't care if they're a CEO of a company and they have all kinds of moving parts.
If they're a single mom or dad and they have shared parenting and they have all kinds,
if they do not make space for you, then that is not a relationship that can be sustainable.
So your expectation at level three is that this person is asking you to be exclusive
with them because they are telling you, I want, I want to see if we can go all the way
to getting married.
And because I want to see if we can go all the way to getting married, I'm making space
in my life for this.
This has become a priority at level three.
You can expect to be a top priority in that person's life.
Do not, I repeat, do not make someone a priority.
If you're just an option.
We can put that on a bumper sticker and sell it all day long.
Okay.
Don't do it.
Do not hope at level three that they are going to become what you want them to be.
Please believe.
And this is why I love people to stay at level two for as long as possible, even in those
latter stages of level two, where things are getting deeper and more intimate.
Because when you go to level three, you need to know that should you get married to this
person, you could deal with whatever it is that you don't really like about them that
much.
And I will tell you, you'll find out more that you don't like about them in level three.
And that's why breaking up at level three is much better than breaking up at level four,
which is breaking in engagement, a promise of betrothal.
So yes, there's going to be more and more and more and more stuff that happens and comes
out in level three.
But I'm going to tell you so many people get to level three that should have never gotten
to level three.
They had no business being at level three with each other.
You saw what you needed to see at level two, but you were hoping that it was going to change
at level three.
And it didn't.
So if you already see all the red flags at level two, why would you even bother?
Um, Jackie, a question.
What about reciprocation in every from level one, two, and three?
Level one community, there's not really any reciprocal, there's not, there's no reciprocation
because there's not really anything going on, right?
We can just expect respect for respect and all the different things, kindness, we talked
about that level two.
We already said, if this person is not showing signs of, you know, being interested in what
you're here to do, which does meet your mate, you know, they're not interested in getting
to know you better.
They're not interested in making any kind of time to get to know you better.
Cause remember that's the get to know you better level.
And so if they're not willing to do that, then you shouldn't be wasting your time.
You shouldn't.
So at level two, you guys, if you're texting with someone and then they fall off and then
they resurface six, seven days later and be like, Oh, sorry.
You know, I got sick.
You can't send a text message and say that you're not feeling good.
That's pretty much showing you that what you need to know about this person.
And that is that they're really just not that focused on getting to know you better.
Are they, they got a whole lot of stuff going on in their lives.
They don't.
So if you're messaging with someone and then they disappear and then they come back and
they have some kind of excuse.
And we talked about this knit and you know, the excuses that people continue to make excuses
about why they fall off or why their communication changes and all the different things there
just don't have the bandwidth for relationship.
Guys, you want to spend your time getting to know people in level two that want to get
to know you.
It's really easy to see who those people are because they're going to be intentional, aren't
they?
And if, and if they're not intentional, it's not going to be an all the time thing.
It's going to be an outlier.
And then that's when you can believe the excuse because you've seen what they're like.
And then all of a sudden, you know, they get called away on a work trip or something
happens.
Guys, you, you do realize that we're all grown folk here.
And so that means that when people get to their thirties, forties, fifties, I know we
have a couple of 20 year olds in here, but people get to their late twenties, thirties,
forties, fifties, sixties.
If they don't know how to treat others by now, then you might as well not even bother.
Right?
So common courtesy, when you're getting to know someone, regardless of who that person
is, whether it's a platonic relationship or potential romantic relationship.
Now I don't want you to judge people on their texting frequency or anything like that, because
once again, you have to talk to people about what kind of capacity for communication they
have.
Some people come to me and they say, Hey, when we're in person, it's amazing.
It's wonderful.
And then in between dates, they always ask me out again.
They're always like, Hey, do you want to do this again?
I really want to do this again.
But in between dates, there's not a lot of communication.
Well, that means that that person does not like to communicate over technology.
They like to communicate in person.
That's not a deal breaker as long as they're consistent and intentional.
It's going forward.
Right.
And that's what you're judging at level two.
is going forward.
Level three, when you are in relationship with someone,
you, and you're exclusive with them,
you can expect that they have made space for you
in their life, and you could expect regular
and continuously deeper communication.
If that person has not told you that much about their past
or their life, or really opened up or shared anything,
you know, with you from their heart,
leading up to level three,
or just little tiny tidbits, but not a lot,
you can expect at level three,
that you're going to get to know a whole lot more
about how they feel about things,
where they've been, what's happened to them.
All of those things are very important for you to know.
And once again, slow and steady wins the race.
Don't try to have like a marathon,
emotional Pandora's box situation.
All right, don't do that.
But you can't ever say yes to marrying someone
and get to level four engagement
if you don't really know who this person is.
So many people do that.
They do.
They never talk about anything really deep,
y'all, I just had a coaching call with a very sweet couple.
Well, just one of the members of the couple.
And it's a success story from this community.
They didn't meet in this community,
but one of them was in this community.
And the reason why the coaching call was happening
was because now that they're married,
they just happen to be having like a conversation
about deeper spiritual things.
And one of them found out that the other one of them
is a Mormon.
But they didn't know that before they got married.
And you know, I shouldn't even say Mormon, Latter-day Saint.
That's what people in the LDS church say.
They don't call themselves Mormons.
I don't even know why we say that, Latter-day Saint.
And I was like, what, what, what do you mean?
How did this, how is this not known before?
Oh, well, you know, we talk about Jesus and stuff.
You know, they didn't talk about any kind of theology.
They both love Jesus.
Talk about Jesus, you know.
Go to church, you know.
The guy would go to the woman's church, you know, and stuff.
And so the bottom line is,
is that you have to have deeper conversations with people.
And I think sometimes people
don't have deeper conversations
because they don't want to find out something
that would cause it to be a deal breaker.
Your expectation at level three
is that you really would start to very much
get to know this person deeper and deeper, right?
Then at level four, of course,
you should know where all the bodies are buried
by the time you say yes to this person, to marry them.
And at level four, you can really expect,
here's the biggest expectation
that I want to share about level four,
that you really see that this person
is going to leave and cleave to you.
I can't tell you how many people in this community
that have gotten married
have had all kinds of in-law and out-law issues
with not being able to leave and cleave.
Letting the people in their lives,
whether they're friends or pastors or family,
have way too much input in the relationship.
You should have a huge expectation.
If I'm going to marry this person,
it's going to be us two making these decisions together.
It's not going to be a conference call, right?
Another expectation that you can have,
and you should really have it at level three,
going into level four,
is that if the person has a former spouse
and they have children, that you're on the same page.
You can have an expectation
that you put together a parenting plan.
You put together a financial plan together
at the very end stages of level three into level four.
You know how many people I see that get married
and they think, oh, it'll all work out.
It'll all be fine.
You know, oh, you know, how hard could it be
to have a blended family?
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Let's all just laugh at that.
It can be really hard,
and it could totally destroy your marriage.
You know how many second marriages end in divorce?
And you know the number one reason why they end in divorce?
Blended family and money
that has to do with blended family
and child support and all the things.
So you can have an expectation
that this person would go into an extensive
premarital coaching.
situation with you to talk about all the hard things
and to put together a plan
which you guys are going to stick to after you're married.
When it comes to getting married in the year 2024,
if you fail to plan, you will plan to fail.
Don't think that love is enough.
Because first of all, you don't even know what love is yet
in this relationship.
You only really truly start loving that person
after you're married to them and you go through some things.
When people get married at that point of saying I do,
depending on how long they've been together,
mostly it's lust still.
Mostly it's a superficial form of conditional love.
And hopefully a lot of peace and confirmation in your heart
that this is just gonna grow and grow and grow
and go from superficial to supernatural.
It's gonna go to surface.
Oh, I like the way you look and I'm so excited about you
and attracted to you and you make me laugh
to the deeper things of, I'll go to war with you.
Not with you, but with you, side by side, right?
We're gonna kick butts and take names later for the kingdom.
I trust you.
You got my back.
What's love got to do with it?
Oh, love, agape love has a lot to do with it,
but that's something that you have to grow and grow
and grow and grow in.
And you guys, I hope that this sounds really unromantic
to you because marriage is not romantic.
It isn't.
There are romantic aspects to marriage,
but marriage in and of itself is not a romantic proposition.
And I'm not saying that marriage is not romantic.
I'm saying that marriage is not a romantic proposition.
You guys know that we have a SEMPAS class,
Save Your Marriage Before It Starts.
I'm a certified facilitator of that.
I implemented it because I saw so many people
getting married in this program right away
and I knew that they needed extra training.
We have other certified facilitators like Bethany
and her husband, Brian, and other people.
And it stands for Save Your Marriage Before It Starts.
And I will tell you that there are several different
types of people that get married in this program
and it assesses you on a computer,
a computer generated assessment.
You take a quiz basically, and it spits out an assessment
on what kinds you are.
And one of the types of personality types
of people that get married is a resolute personality.
They understand that marriage is not a romantic proposition,
that it's a partnership, right?
And it's the most important partnership
outside of your partnership with Christ
that you'll ever have in your whole life.
It's a make you or break you situation.
But there's another category of people.
There's like four categories of different
like mindsets about marriage, it's called marriage mindsets.
One of them is called the romantic.
And anytime I see that,
because I can look at the generated tests
and I can see people's quiz answers.
Anytime I see two romantic people marrying each other,
I'm like, oh Lord, God, oh Jesus, here's a fire.
We're in trouble.
Because as soon as things get rough,
what do you think is gonna happen?
Oh, I don't know if I love you anymore.
What?
Get out of here.
Love is not a feeling.
So you can expect at level four that you should
and can and have to dig deeper
into what this marriage is going to look like.
Yeah.
Has this been helpful tonight?
I feel like we need a part two.
Super helpful.
I think we need a part two.
Very helpful.
Yes, Jackie.
Life changing for my situation.
I, you guys, I hope this will change the way
that you're meeting people and dating people
when you understand that, you know,
there are so many other things that are going
into these unions than just, you know,
do I have butterflies?
I can make you a list of about 20 things
that are more important than butterflies
when you meet somebody.
More important in assessing whether or not
this person is going to be a lifelong partner for you.
Yes, part two.
I think so.
I think so, Christina.
I think we're gonna have to have a part two.
I don't wanna keep you guys all night.
We're at 90 minutes right now, 95 minutes.
All right.
We are gonna talk about,
we are gonna talk about some great things
on Supernatural Saturday.
Try to be there live if you can.
I know you might feel a little beat up
from last Supernatural Saturday.
I hope you don't, because remember you guys,
this is not about religion.
It's not about condemnation.
you ever feel like something is coming across
in a condemning way, it's probably your heart filter.
Cause I'm gonna tell you,
I'm about the least religious person in the world.
Jesus is for us.
He loves us.
He wants us to have everything that he paid for
on that cross.
And we're the only ones standing in the way
of that happening.
Or none of us are sitting in a corner.
None of us are in timeout.
No one's being punished.
Jesus took the punishment for us and as us.
It's time for us to get what he paid for
in every area of our lives
and to be reconciled to those divine identities.
And so we're gonna do part two.
So Bethany, Renee, we're gonna do part two
and we'll dig a little bit more into level three,
four and five.
And we'll let you guys ask questions ahead of time
so we can make sure that we cover them.
But we'll see you on Saturday.
Also, please continue to pray for this app.
I feel like there's so much warfare around this thing.
No one else who has used this developer
has run into the problems that we're running into.
Everyone else is just fat, dumb and happy with their apps
and here we are.
And so it's important that whatever is happening here,
that it gets cut off and we go forward.
This thing has already been paid for in full.
There is no reason why it should not be operational
and really it's starting to get very frustrating
to the point where it's going on my Jesus Cares board.
Cause I know that there's gotta be some interference.
There has to be some supernatural interference
going on here because it should not be this hard.
All right, so please continue to keep that in prayer
as a community.
That's nothing you could expect from community.
And that is people that have your back,
that are cheering for you to win,
even if they don't personally know you
that you're in community together,
especially for a specific reason like this community
that people want you to win, all right?
And so let's make sure that we know that
about each other, all right?
Love y'all, see you Saturday, bye.