WEBVTT

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Hey, thanks for praying for me.

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I'm in the land of the living, which is always a good thing.

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And I'm upright, which is another good thing.

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Still a little puny, definitely not a hundred percent,

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but I'm getting there and that's all that matters, right?

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That's all that matters.

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For everyone that has no idea what I'm talking about,

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I was sick, I had a fever for the last couple of days

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and I am definitely on the mend.

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All right, hold on.

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All right, so welcome to tonight's all community session.

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We are going to have love seats tonight.

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You guys know that all community is a grab bag.

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So when you show up to all community,

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if it's on the calendar, it says all community,

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this is important because when we go to the app,

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please keep praying it's still not approved

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by the Apple store.

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They are really messing with us now, right?

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They're really messing with us.

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Our developer has never seen it take this long for anybody.

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And so, you know, if we're gonna call it warfare,

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I think we just should because I think that's what it is.

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All right, so we're still waiting on that approval,

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but love seats, I'm sorry,

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all community night can be love seats.

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And for those of you that are new,

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love seats is where we gather and you ask questions,

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you like jump in the love seat, right?

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Not the hot seat, the love seat.

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You ask questions about your love life,

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about someone that you're talking to,

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something that happened on a dating app,

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anything relationship related is fair game for love seats.

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Then it could possibly be love story,

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which means we have a couple that's come

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to tell their story, to encourage you,

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to kind of show you the ins and outs and the ups and downs

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of what it looks like to have a God written love story.

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Obviously the people are success stories from our community

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when we have love story.

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Then we have something called heart connect.

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And it is kind of like a situation

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where it's a mixer sort of,

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where you go into groups with other people

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and you get to have some ice breakers

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and talk and different things happen.

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We have something called heart retab as well,

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that could happen during a all community event.

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That is a like a 12 step program.

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So like dating, I'm sorry,

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divorce recovery or celebrate recovery,

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any of those things that are about healing

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from something bad that has happened, that's traumatic.

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That is what heart rehab is,

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but it's based on the heart work module, right?

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The protocol of heart work is the basis of that.

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What we also have is single spotlights.

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That's where we bring single sons, single sons,

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single sons and daughters, single men, single women.

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We spotlight them to the community,

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get to ask them questions.

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That also usually is with a he said, she said,

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and he said, she said, it's just,

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let's all talk about different things

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that affect single men and women

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and hear a man's perspective and hear a woman's perspective.

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So tonight we have a love seat,

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but we're going to field for the first half hour at least,

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we're going to field questions and scenarios

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that surround remarriage.

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Did I ever hit record or is it still paused?

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It is recording, okay.

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So that surround remarriage and blended family, okay?

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A lot of you will be getting remarried.

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I want you to go ahead and raise your hand

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if you've been divorced at least one time, at least once.

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We're not going to ask you how many times

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you've been divorced because it's not about that.

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It's just about trying again with new information,

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trying again with new healing,

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trying again with new information.

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That's how you're going to be successful.

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Okay, let's look and see.

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Show me how you do the percentage thing.

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How many people have their hand up?

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What percentage is that?

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I used a calculator.

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Oh, you did?

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You used a calculator?

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Okay, all right.

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I thought it was some kind of button on here.

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No, it's not a gadget.

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Okay, I thought it was a gadget.

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There's no easy button for that?

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Okay, so there's a lot of hands up right now, y'all.

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There's a lot of hands up.

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Okay, and so put your hands down.

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I want to see all of you put your hands up

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that you're going to be getting married for the first time,

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but you're over 35.

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Let's see those hands.

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You're getting married for the first time,

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but you are older than 35.

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You're old enough to know better, okay?

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The chances-

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Old enough to be president.

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You're old enough to be president.

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Never thought of it that way.

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And somebody needs to be the president.

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So if you live in America, please run for president.

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That would be a good idea.

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So lots of you raising your hand right now.

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And what does that mean?

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Can you turn that off?

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That means that the chances of you-

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Now, it could happen younger.

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For those of you that are not raising your hand

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because you have never been married,

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but you're also under 35,

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don't think that you're getting off scot-free, right?

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Because the chances of all of you marrying someone

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who's already been married and or-

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or has children already are good.

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They're high.

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Those chances are really high, okay?

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Put all your hands down.

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Now I need you to be honest or this doesn't work.

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Can't coach you if you won't be honest.

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Raise your hand if one of your non-negotiables

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is someone who's been married and has children

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or has either one of those things.

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Been married, has children,

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has children, hasn't been married,

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been married, doesn't have any children.

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It's your non-negotiable.

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You believe that God has promised you

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that you can marry someone who doesn't have

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a former spouse or children or either.

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Let's see the hands of those.

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Really, nobody?

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Man, I must really be coaching you really good.

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I'm gonna be, here, pat me on the back.

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All right, I'm proud of myself right now

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because I know y'all came in,

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oh, here's the people.

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I'm sorry, I didn't see the hands

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that were up, okay.

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I'm patting myself on the back.

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Okay, all right.

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Y'all are wrong.

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It's not true.

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Okay, I want you to really put that before the Lord

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because you could be missing out

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on a phenomenal opportunity,

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a phenomenal opportunity to be with someone incredible

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because you believe that you're going to marry someone

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who's never been married before or doesn't have kids.

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And that because they've been married before

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and have kids that maybe that says something about them

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and, or it's gonna be really hard and crazy.

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It might be, but you'll have the grace to do it once again

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if that attachment and that divine,

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that divine, what is it?

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That divine, are you looking at me like that?

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If you got what we got, then you can do it.

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Okay, all right.

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Unction, grace.

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I don't know.

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I got stuck at the word divine.

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Divine.

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All right, so I see people putting stuff.

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Okay, so we're gonna start talking about remarriage.

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And remember, for those of you

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who have never been married before, this could affect you.

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And so it's important for you to listen up.

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Are they gonna ask questions?

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Yeah, they're right here.

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Here are the questions.

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But on specifically on remarriage.

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They're gonna ask questions about divorce,

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remarriage, blended family, all the things, all the things.

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Relationship questions?

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Yep.

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I got a relationship question.

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Okay, so Melissa Dawn,

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you've sent this huge long thing in here.

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And it looks like it's something

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that you should put in to Ask Jackie

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because I really, I can't read it all.

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There's just too many paragraphs there.

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What are we gonna say?

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What happens when you're in a relationship

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and you do all, you do everything right?

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You're just like, you know.

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Like you just, you know, you do nothing wrong.

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And you just like, is it possible

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to love your person too much?

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You know that you flooded the house yesterday, right?

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What?

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Okay.

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What?

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You flooded the house.

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I did?

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Someone literally said that you were reenacting Noah's flood.

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Oh.

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Okay.

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So.

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But you know what?

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Your question does not apply to you.

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Oh, I was asking for a friend.

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Oh, were you asking for a friend?

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Okay, great.

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Okay.

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You guys see, this is gonna just be a clown court tonight.

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We're just gonna be cutting up.

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Okay.

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Does widowed count?

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Yeah, widowed counts, of course.

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Yeah.

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You have been married before.

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And if you have children with that person,

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even if they're grown children, you guys,

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even if they're grown children, right?

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There's a reason why blended rhymes with offended.

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I have several couples right now

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that they had success in this community.

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They are married because of this program

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and they are struggling in the blended family realm.

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So we're coaching them, we're helping them.

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And so I would like an ounce of preventions

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worth a pound of cure.

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Let's talk about some of these things

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so that when and if you get there, you're ready for that.

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Okay.

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People are open now.

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That's great.

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On the fence, mostly because of what my dad believes

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about divorce and remarriage.

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Well, your dad ain't gonna marry them, Laura.

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So that's important to remember.

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Shouldn't they have been married yet?

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Carrie, that's good.

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Carrie's like, at my age, I think the opposite.

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Like, hey, if they haven't been married at my age,

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what's wrong with them, right?

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What if they're in the process of finalizing their divorce?

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We can talk about that, Lydia.

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Thank you for that.

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I really would need some help with these questions.

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Is Cheryl here tonight?

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I am.

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Okay.

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If you could grab the questions for David and I,

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that would be awesome.

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We'd appreciate that.

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So let's go ahead and go over,

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what if they're in the process of divorcing

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when you meet them?

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I've answered this a couple of times.

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but I'm gonna answer it again.

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David was in the process of getting a divorce

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when I met him.

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I was in the process of getting a divorce when he met me.

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Okay, we were next door neighbors.

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If you guys don't know the story, it's a funny story.

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And we'll tell it sometime, but not tonight.

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So we were both in the process

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of huge transitions in our lives.

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We were both going through a lot of things.

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When I met him, his divorce had been going on for two years.

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His wife had left the home, left the family two years

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before I met him, but his divorce was not finalized yet

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because of a bankruptcy and a foreclosure on a house.

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It's kind of like-

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Tied up in legal junk.

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Yeah, you can have, I mean,

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the legal procedure can take a long time.

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You can be, there's a big difference

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between being divorced technically

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and then being estranged from your spouse.

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I mean, if you've been estranged from your spouse

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for any length of time, year, two years, whatever,

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that's like you're not with them anymore.

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True.

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Just waiting for the paperwork.

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But the thing is, is that marriages

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do not end in divorce courts.

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They end when contracts or covenants are broken, okay?

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You might have been in a contract marriage.

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What does that mean?

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That means the marriage wasn't based on faith.

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It wasn't God bringing two people together.

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Y'all push yourselves together

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because of superficial reasons,

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lust and all the different things.

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And you wanted to be with them for whatever reason.

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And it wasn't healthy and it never had been healthy.

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Okay, I don't believe that's a covenant marriage.

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A covenant marriage is when God brings us together

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and our relationship is founded

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on our relationship with God.

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I wanna tell you this, this is really important.

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When you come and you say, I do to this person,

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you're not promising them anything.

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You're promising God something.

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You're saying, God, I promise to love this person, right?

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I promise to be faithful to this person.

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I promise to forsake all others.

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You're not promising them, you're promising God that.

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You're making a covenant.

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You can't make a covenant to a person.

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You make a covenant with God and a person.

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Do you guys understand what I'm saying here?

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And we can't lie to God, can we?

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And so if you got up in front of the preacher,

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you got up in front of the courthouse

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and you promised to do a bunch of stuff

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or they promised to do a bunch of stuff to you

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and there was a whole bunch of deception going on already,

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the words weren't even true

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that were coming out of anybody's mouth

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at the wedding ceremony, that's not a covenant.

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So a lot of people were in contract marriages.

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There was all kinds of verbal and mental abuse,

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emotional abuse, there was infidelity already happening

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when those vows were spoken.

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And so regardless of whether it was a contract

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or you really did have a covenant marriage

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that was ended by death because someone died

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or someone fell into sin and then they broke that covenant,

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bottom line is this,

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is that marriages do not end in divorce courts,

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they end when those things are broken, okay?

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And in God's eyes,

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I believe that he sees us as divorced during that.

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Did you guys know,

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if you haven't listened to my divorce

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and remarriage sermon series,

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definitely go listen to it

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because back in the olden days,

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all you had to do to get divorced

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was just walk out of the house and close the door.

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You was divorced, okay?

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So just so you know, abandonment is called divorce.

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Someone needs to hear that tonight.

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You were abandoned and in that moment, you were free.

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You were free from that relationship

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in the moment that you were abandoned by that person.

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So back to Lydia's question,

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I think it was Lydia that asked,

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what if they're still going through divorce?

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What have they learned?

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When I get on a discovery call with a man or woman

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that's been divorced,

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but the first thing that I ask them

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is not why are you divorced,

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but what did you learn through your divorce?

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What did you learn?

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What did you learn through your divorce, sir?

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I learned that I could be,

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well, I learned because of the position I was in,

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I was in full-time ministries completely,

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like in my lane, in my calling, all that kind of stuff.

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And yet I still wasn't the leader

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or the end all at my home.

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I completely failed in that regard.

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You missed the main thing.

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Missed the main thing.

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Missed the main thing.

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And that happens to a lot of people that are in ministry.

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Don't miss the main thing.

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Your family is the main thing, not your ministry.

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Your ministry is your family.

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And so for those of you that are ministers

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or you're gonna marry someone

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who's in full-time traditional ministry,

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meaning like church ministry,

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they have a church,

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they have a preaching kind of ministry or whatever,

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the loss of the world is not more important

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than the people that live in your home.

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And you don't ever wanna marry someone

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who thinks differently than that

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because that's a recipe for divorce for sure.

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through my divorce was that I had horrible, anxious, avoidant attachment.

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I had this God-shaped hole, this identity-shaped hole that I thought was a man-shaped hole,

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and I kept trying to shove my former husband in it, and he didn't fit. He didn't fit. I never

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felt fulfilled. And every time he would pull away because he had horrible avoidant attachment.

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So I'd be like, please, please, please, please, please love me, love me. And he'd be pulling away.

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And then when I would give up, then he would come back and kind of breadcrumb me. And then I'd be

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like, but then as soon as I had him, I didn't want him anymore. And it was just cycle, cycle, cycle.

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And so what I learned through my divorce is that God is source. He's head of the human resource

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department. And I believe hurt in marriage healed in marriage. It's true. But I couldn't be healed

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in this marriage if I didn't have that heart part right, where I'm no longer looking for someone to

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fulfill me, right? I'm whole in Christ. And then my assignment is completed in this partnership.

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And then I'm healed in family. And so hopefully that answers the divorce question. Okay,

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00:16:05.680 --> 00:16:09.360
so Cheryl, what else do we have? Good job.

399
00:16:16.480 --> 00:16:18.480
Okay, we have one here from

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00:16:18.640 --> 00:16:27.040
well, I'm just going to read the bottom part. It's from, it's from Rachel, Rachel's Rachel Chummy.

401
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And it's her question at the bottom was, how do I prepare my son ensures he's going to be not be

402
00:16:35.520 --> 00:16:45.120
abandoned by me? You can scroll up. She's a single mom. She has a 25 year old child starting a career

403
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child starting career. She's never been married. And so

404
00:16:53.600 --> 00:16:59.440
All right, so he's 25, right? So he's an adult. He's a grown man. And yes, not that our kids that

405
00:16:59.440 --> 00:17:03.680
are grown don't need us. They still need us. But I want you to reframe this and start thinking of

406
00:17:03.680 --> 00:17:09.680
this as him being able to have a man in his life. Yeah, he might think right now that he's the man

407
00:17:09.760 --> 00:17:15.119
in your life. Because like you said, you've never been married. And so your son has never known or

408
00:17:15.119 --> 00:17:21.200
had a relationship with a man or his father. And so if there's a good chance that he feels like he

409
00:17:21.200 --> 00:17:26.480
is the man in your life, not in a weird way, but you know what I'm saying? And so he might be a

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little bit territorial with that. And so having really candid conversations about your desire for

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00:17:31.600 --> 00:17:37.840
a partner, especially now that he's grown, sounds to me like you really focused on him and raising

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00:17:37.840 --> 00:17:42.160
him instead of going out and trying to, you know, find a partner for yourself. But now it's your

413
00:17:42.160 --> 00:17:47.040
turn and it's your time. And so it's important that you start to talk to him about that. He's

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going to go on hopefully and have a wife and children and do things and he isn't always going

415
00:17:52.240 --> 00:17:57.360
to be there. But this spouse that you would bring in your life, that is the person that you are going

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00:17:57.360 --> 00:18:01.520
to partner with for the rest of your life. And so while he's going to have a whole different life

417
00:18:01.520 --> 00:18:05.440
than that, you know, this will be your life. And so you have to start kind of talking for all of

418
00:18:05.440 --> 00:18:10.000
you that have kids, you start preparing those children for the day that you meet your spirit

419
00:18:10.000 --> 00:18:14.960
mate, start talking to them about it. Even if you don't know them. Of course. That's what I'm saying.

420
00:18:14.960 --> 00:18:20.560
When you don't know them. Start preparing them for that transition by maybe having them before

421
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they go to bed at night when they're little, you know, if they're littler and you pray with them,

422
00:18:25.120 --> 00:18:31.680
let's pray for the spirit mate that God will be sending into our lives. You know, this person

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who's going to, you know, be part of the parenting team in their life, you know, and if they don't

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have a father, they don't have a mother in their life, then of course they're really going to want

425
00:18:40.160 --> 00:18:47.520
that. And so start praying for that and let them be part of it. Yeah. And it's great for them to,

426
00:18:48.640 --> 00:18:54.960
you know, some kids are very excited about their parent getting married. Yeah. She was very excited

427
00:18:54.960 --> 00:19:00.320
about that, but even if they're not so excited about it, the, the, the sooner you start having

428
00:19:00.320 --> 00:19:08.400
the conversation, they may come around to that way of thinking sooner than later, rather than

429
00:19:08.400 --> 00:19:13.600
just being against it. So the middle, the middle child in our blended family was nine, Kaylee,

430
00:19:13.600 --> 00:19:20.080
when we met and her and my six-year-old daughter played together. That's how we, that's how we

431
00:19:20.080 --> 00:19:25.120
originally really got thrown together. So she's his daughter with his first wife and Reagan,

432
00:19:25.120 --> 00:19:31.840
the six-year-old is my daughter with my first husband. And I will tell you that Kaylee was

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00:19:32.400 --> 00:19:37.840
kind of like a little matchmaker. She wanted us together. She definitely thought it'd be so fun

434
00:19:37.840 --> 00:19:42.880
to have Reagan as a sister. And I, but after we got married, she started getting a little

435
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territorial and now it's like, Oh, I got to share dad with these other two women. And I don't know

436
00:19:46.640 --> 00:19:52.400
how I feel about that. And so we went like this a little bit, but I can honestly tell you 17 years

437
00:19:52.400 --> 00:19:58.000
later, she's 27 years old. She's married. She has our only grandchildren, twins, by the way,

438
00:19:58.000 --> 00:19:59.760
those squishes are going to be here tomorrow.

439
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:05.120
these little squishes are going to be here tomorrow with Nona and Papa. Um, but we're

440
00:20:05.120 --> 00:20:10.640
all very, very close. We're very close. We have, we've been really blessed and we have

441
00:20:10.640 --> 00:20:18.320
amazing family. We do. Our kids are really great. Yeah. So, um, so prepare your children,

442
00:20:19.520 --> 00:20:26.240
let them get excited about it. Don't push it on them, you know, pace, pace yourself with it.

443
00:20:26.240 --> 00:20:30.160
You guys don't introduce your kids too quickly. Let's just talk about that. Cause that's

444
00:20:30.160 --> 00:20:36.480
important. Yeah. And I'm finding a way for the kids to not just be involved, but, but have some

445
00:20:36.480 --> 00:20:42.880
ownership in that process. I mean, there's a hundred different ways for that to happen, but

446
00:20:42.880 --> 00:20:50.160
have it, you know, yeah. Sort of, um, a voice in part of it, not whether you can or you can't

447
00:20:50.160 --> 00:20:55.200
explain the reasons why that this is important and why, you know, God is sending this person

448
00:20:55.200 --> 00:20:58.880
into your lives. Cause remember, it's not just your love story. It's their love story too.

449
00:20:59.440 --> 00:21:03.280
It's not just your love story. It's their love story. It's important that you understand that.

450
00:21:03.280 --> 00:21:08.560
Um, but we was, Oh, introducing the kids. So for us, it was different because we were next door

451
00:21:08.560 --> 00:21:13.440
neighbors. And so we were already friends and co like co carpooling and stuff together. So the

452
00:21:13.440 --> 00:21:18.160
kids already knew me. I was Reagan's mom. Right. And Reagan obviously already knew him. In fact,

453
00:21:18.160 --> 00:21:23.120
Reagan has the sweetest story when he was just the neighbor. Okay. He was just the guy next door

454
00:21:23.120 --> 00:21:27.920
and he was Kaylee's dad. Uh, Reagan was out riding her little bicycle, you know, a little

455
00:21:27.920 --> 00:21:33.520
pink bicycle and she hair was all crazy and belly was hanging out because she always, we used to

456
00:21:33.520 --> 00:21:37.760
call her plumber, but her shirts always kind of came up. And then her pants always kind of came

457
00:21:37.760 --> 00:21:41.600
down because she didn't have any waste. And so she always had her belly out and her little butt

458
00:21:41.600 --> 00:21:47.280
crack out all the time. And so she's riding, she's riding in our little cul-de-sac where we lived.

459
00:21:47.280 --> 00:21:51.360
I lived here and he lived next door. And so she's riding her little bike and she's not paying

460
00:21:51.360 --> 00:21:58.800
attention. And she smacked right back in that, in the back of a parked car. Okay. And then what

461
00:21:58.800 --> 00:22:03.440
happened? You, and I was, you happen to be looking out the window while I was home early. Cause I'm

462
00:22:03.440 --> 00:22:07.440
a teacher. I was teaching at the time. And so I had like, I was getting home at like three,

463
00:22:07.440 --> 00:22:11.040
four o'clock in the afternoon and I'm home. I'm in the house and she's just outside,

464
00:22:11.040 --> 00:22:15.200
but I happen to be looking out the front window when this is going on. And I noticed I started

465
00:22:15.200 --> 00:22:19.520
just like, Oh, what's she doing? You know? And I'm like, and then, Oh, there's the car. And she

466
00:22:19.520 --> 00:22:23.920
hits the car. And I just stopped for a moment. Cause she's laying in the middle of the street,

467
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like, Oh, someone help me like this. You know, she's just crying and I go, Oh, I'm going to have

468
00:22:30.160 --> 00:22:37.120
to go out there. And so I went out there and picked her up and scooped her up in my arms

469
00:22:37.840 --> 00:22:42.080
and just lovingly cared for her, brought her back in, put a bandaid on her.

470
00:22:42.080 --> 00:22:47.200
He took her in his house and band-aided her up and did all the things and then brought her over

471
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to me, you know, I mean, she was, he wasn't a stranger to her. He was a known person. And some

472
00:22:53.280 --> 00:22:57.120
of you that have been sexually abused by people, you're already triggered. You're like, Oh my God,

473
00:22:57.120 --> 00:23:01.840
no, you know, some crazy man, you know, the little kid and you blah, blah, blah. But you know what?

474
00:23:01.840 --> 00:23:06.640
That's not, that's not the situation. And so, and Reagan didn't have any kind of bandwidth for that.

475
00:23:06.640 --> 00:23:13.920
So she just felt so loved. And so fathered in that minute, in that moment. And that's kind of

476
00:23:13.920 --> 00:23:20.320
one of her first special moments with who she called daddy David. But of course we weren't

477
00:23:20.320 --> 00:23:28.000
even dating yet. And so yeah. So your kids, you need to remember these people are for them as well.

478
00:23:28.000 --> 00:23:32.880
And they're uniquely matched to what these kids need. You have to tell about the connection you

479
00:23:32.880 --> 00:23:38.400
had to make with Jaron because he was resistant. Yeah. Jaron was really resistant. So when we met

480
00:23:38.400 --> 00:23:43.280
my daughter was six, his daughter was nine and his son was 11. So Jaron's the oldest,

481
00:23:43.280 --> 00:23:48.480
he's the oldest. And so when we started turning romantic before there was any kind of romantic

482
00:23:48.480 --> 00:23:53.200
connection when I was just the neighbor and I picked them up from school and different things

483
00:23:53.200 --> 00:23:57.840
happened, we helped each other with stuff. He loved me, right? Cause I'm super fun and

484
00:23:57.840 --> 00:24:01.120
all the kids and he's like a little video game kid and didn't want to come outside.

485
00:24:01.120 --> 00:24:05.600
And I had him outside exploring, going on adventures in the Creek and all the different things.

486
00:24:05.600 --> 00:24:11.760
And so he loved me. But then as soon as dad started paying special attention to me after four

487
00:24:11.760 --> 00:24:17.040
months and we started dating, he wasn't having it. So I would come next door and you know,

488
00:24:17.040 --> 00:24:21.440
the kids were all going to sleep because it was time for them to go to sleep at school tomorrow.

489
00:24:21.440 --> 00:24:26.880
And he'd be up in his room and he'd be like, dad, dad, come here, dad. And so we're trying to spend

490
00:24:26.880 --> 00:24:31.200
some time together. And then he, dad had to go up there and then Jaron just wanted to hold him

491
00:24:31.200 --> 00:24:35.760
hostage in his room, asking him all kinds of questions, saying things, blah, blah, blah.

492
00:24:35.760 --> 00:24:40.240
And then I heard one night, I heard him saying to his dad, I don't like her being here, dad,

493
00:24:41.040 --> 00:24:46.160
the house smells weird when she's here, dad. And I'm like, you little punk,

494
00:24:47.120 --> 00:24:51.600
you little punk. Right. But we can't get mad about that because the kids are really insecure.

495
00:24:52.320 --> 00:24:58.720
I had that good perfume. Kids are insecure. Especially if, if the, you, the parent that

496
00:24:58.720 --> 00:24:59.840
they've had, they have.

497
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:03.440
haven't had a really solid, secure attachment

498
00:25:03.440 --> 00:25:04.440
with other parents.

499
00:25:04.440 --> 00:25:06.080
And so they're gonna get scared, right?

500
00:25:06.080 --> 00:25:08.600
That they're losing now the one solid attachment

501
00:25:08.600 --> 00:25:10.400
that they have because now you're distracted

502
00:25:10.400 --> 00:25:11.360
with somebody else.

503
00:25:12.240 --> 00:25:13.360
This is a real thing.

504
00:25:14.360 --> 00:25:16.200
So instead of getting mad at Jaron,

505
00:25:16.200 --> 00:25:19.020
I had to recognize what was causing it,

506
00:25:19.020 --> 00:25:21.400
what was at the root of his behavior.

507
00:25:21.400 --> 00:25:24.400
And I had to show him that he wasn't losing his dad,

508
00:25:24.400 --> 00:25:26.280
but he was gaining a Jackie.

509
00:25:26.280 --> 00:25:31.280
And so I basically bought him off.

510
00:25:33.040 --> 00:25:37.480
He was really into art and he's a professional designer now,

511
00:25:37.480 --> 00:25:38.800
he's really talented.

512
00:25:38.800 --> 00:25:39.640
And so one day I was like,

513
00:25:39.640 --> 00:25:40.920
hey, you wanna go on a date with me?

514
00:25:40.920 --> 00:25:42.200
I said, let's go to the art store,

515
00:25:42.200 --> 00:25:45.120
let's go to Dick Blix and let's go to Olive Garden

516
00:25:45.120 --> 00:25:47.800
and eat pasta, butter noodles was the way to his heart.

517
00:25:47.800 --> 00:25:49.800
And I just wanted to show him that,

518
00:25:49.800 --> 00:25:53.280
hey, I'm just not here for your dad, I'm here for you too.

519
00:25:53.280 --> 00:25:56.440
And he just started, he started realizing that

520
00:25:56.440 --> 00:25:58.840
and little by little, he started letting me in.

521
00:25:58.840 --> 00:26:00.840
And now we're thick as thieves.

522
00:26:00.840 --> 00:26:04.720
Me and my son, we're like this and my daughter

523
00:26:04.720 --> 00:26:05.920
and my other daughter.

524
00:26:05.920 --> 00:26:07.560
I walk in and I'm like, who are you texting?

525
00:26:07.560 --> 00:26:08.600
Like, what are you talking to?

526
00:26:08.600 --> 00:26:09.800
Like, what's going on?

527
00:26:09.800 --> 00:26:11.760
Like, I have to like insert myself now

528
00:26:11.760 --> 00:26:13.360
in their relationship because they're just like,

529
00:26:13.360 --> 00:26:16.800
hey, you know, they're like, you know,

530
00:26:16.800 --> 00:26:21.640
making plans and doing a bunch of stuff and so good.

531
00:26:21.640 --> 00:26:23.920
He's 29 and then the middle daughter

532
00:26:23.920 --> 00:26:25.600
who has the grandbabies is 27.

533
00:26:25.600 --> 00:26:28.160
And then Kaylee and Reagan is 23

534
00:26:28.160 --> 00:26:30.040
and getting married in August.

535
00:26:30.880 --> 00:26:32.800
So friends, I just want to let you know

536
00:26:32.800 --> 00:26:34.920
that blended does rhyme with offended.

537
00:26:34.920 --> 00:26:36.480
And those first couple of years were really hard.

538
00:26:36.480 --> 00:26:37.760
I know we're trying to make it sound,

539
00:26:37.760 --> 00:26:39.040
I said, not we're not trying,

540
00:26:39.040 --> 00:26:40.800
but we're making it sound easy, it wasn't.

541
00:26:40.800 --> 00:26:42.960
The first couple of years were crazy.

542
00:26:42.960 --> 00:26:47.960
His former wife, whoo, drama, okay.

543
00:26:48.440 --> 00:26:49.520
And I just want to let you know,

544
00:26:49.520 --> 00:26:52.080
I was not that heart healthy when I married him.

545
00:26:52.080 --> 00:26:54.520
All right, I was trying to be, I was doing my heart work,

546
00:26:54.520 --> 00:26:57.160
but I come from the South side of that kingdom.

547
00:26:57.160 --> 00:26:58.240
I will cut you.

548
00:26:58.240 --> 00:27:00.960
I love Jesus, but I don't love, I don't love,

549
00:27:00.960 --> 00:27:02.600
I don't love being treated like that, right?

550
00:27:02.600 --> 00:27:04.040
And so there were lots of times

551
00:27:04.040 --> 00:27:08.080
that I had to repent and apologize

552
00:27:08.080 --> 00:27:11.720
because I let that get under my skin.

553
00:27:11.720 --> 00:27:14.320
I've got somebody trying to match Jaron.

554
00:27:14.320 --> 00:27:15.640
Oh, bring it on, he's single.

555
00:27:15.640 --> 00:27:16.640
She's like, is Jaron single?

556
00:27:16.640 --> 00:27:18.080
And she goes, I have daughters.

557
00:27:18.120 --> 00:27:20.520
Oh, he is single and he is handsome.

558
00:27:20.520 --> 00:27:22.680
He can only marry one, the choices are good.

559
00:27:22.680 --> 00:27:23.840
Choices are good.

560
00:27:23.840 --> 00:27:25.880
Okay, so let's get some more questions.

561
00:27:25.880 --> 00:27:27.800
What do you got for us, Cheryl?

562
00:27:27.800 --> 00:27:30.200
At what point do you tell an ex-spouse?

563
00:27:32.200 --> 00:27:33.040
You met someone?

564
00:27:33.040 --> 00:27:34.320
At what point do you tell an ex-spouse

565
00:27:34.320 --> 00:27:35.160
that you met someone?

566
00:27:35.160 --> 00:27:36.920
I was just reading, go ahead, Cheryl.

567
00:27:38.040 --> 00:27:43.040
No, that, I think that was, wasn't that what we just spoke?

568
00:27:44.920 --> 00:27:47.360
I don't know, what's the question you have now?

569
00:27:48.360 --> 00:27:50.680
Well, I have from Olga.

570
00:27:50.680 --> 00:27:53.160
How do you manage in a wise and healthy way

571
00:27:53.160 --> 00:27:56.720
the relationship, yeah, with the ex-wife

572
00:27:56.720 --> 00:27:59.160
when you marry a divorced guy?

573
00:28:01.640 --> 00:28:03.960
So first of all, it's not up to you

574
00:28:03.960 --> 00:28:05.120
to manage the relationship.

575
00:28:05.120 --> 00:28:07.000
It's up to him to manage it, right?

576
00:28:07.000 --> 00:28:09.440
Whoever's former spouse it is,

577
00:28:09.440 --> 00:28:12.520
it's up to them to set the boundary.

578
00:28:12.520 --> 00:28:14.200
Please write that down.

579
00:28:14.200 --> 00:28:15.520
It's really important.

580
00:28:15.520 --> 00:28:17.400
It's not up to you to set the boundary.

581
00:28:18.080 --> 00:28:18.960
And that being said,

582
00:28:18.960 --> 00:28:20.920
if you get into a relationship with someone

583
00:28:20.920 --> 00:28:23.640
and you see that their relationship

584
00:28:23.640 --> 00:28:28.000
with their former spouse is very non-boundaried,

585
00:28:28.000 --> 00:28:29.840
then you're probably gonna have issues.

586
00:28:29.840 --> 00:28:32.440
Now, you have to understand though,

587
00:28:32.440 --> 00:28:35.160
before Jackie was a relationship expert,

588
00:28:35.160 --> 00:28:36.760
she was a relationship expert.

589
00:28:36.760 --> 00:28:39.240
She just intuitively knew these things.

590
00:28:39.240 --> 00:28:42.880
But to me, she was just this awesome lady

591
00:28:42.880 --> 00:28:45.920
that I just married, and I wasn't aware of these things.

592
00:28:45.960 --> 00:28:49.120
And so I was depending upon my wife

593
00:28:49.120 --> 00:28:52.400
to really bring some clarity to that.

594
00:28:52.400 --> 00:28:54.960
But at the same time, it was difficult, it was challenging

595
00:28:54.960 --> 00:28:56.960
because I didn't know,

596
00:28:56.960 --> 00:29:00.800
when you're just coming into relationship with someone new,

597
00:29:00.800 --> 00:29:02.080
but you've had relationship

598
00:29:02.080 --> 00:29:04.000
regardless of how that relationship ended

599
00:29:04.000 --> 00:29:06.760
and it was so long ago, you're used to that.

600
00:29:06.760 --> 00:29:08.400
You're not used to the new relationship,

601
00:29:08.400 --> 00:29:09.240
especially if they're very different.

602
00:29:09.240 --> 00:29:10.800
And he met his former wife

603
00:29:10.800 --> 00:29:14.280
when they were 14 years old in like eighth grade.

604
00:29:14.280 --> 00:29:15.880
And so they dated all those years

605
00:29:15.880 --> 00:29:18.280
except one year that he went to college away

606
00:29:18.280 --> 00:29:19.360
and then they got married.

607
00:29:19.360 --> 00:29:21.840
And so she was the only woman besides his mother

608
00:29:21.840 --> 00:29:24.040
that he had ever known, right?

609
00:29:24.040 --> 00:29:26.680
And so the way she did things or the way she was,

610
00:29:26.680 --> 00:29:28.280
and she's the one that left the marriage,

611
00:29:28.280 --> 00:29:30.600
didn't want to be married anymore,

612
00:29:30.600 --> 00:29:33.240
wanted to kind of go and see what she had missed out on

613
00:29:33.240 --> 00:29:36.040
by getting married young or see what could happen

614
00:29:36.040 --> 00:29:38.040
if she was not in the church anymore.

615
00:29:38.040 --> 00:29:40.720
A lot of people deconstruct their faith and leave marriages.

616
00:29:40.720 --> 00:29:43.760
That happens a lot, that happened in this situation.

617
00:29:44.200 --> 00:29:47.840
And so, in fact, he was blindsided by his divorce

618
00:29:47.840 --> 00:29:50.680
because he thought his marriage was great.

619
00:29:50.680 --> 00:29:54.080
They worked at a mega church together, ministry, everything.

620
00:29:54.080 --> 00:29:56.720
They were changing the world one center at a time.

621
00:29:56.720 --> 00:29:59.200
And then all of a sudden his wife is giving him a list

622
00:29:59.200 --> 00:30:00.240
of a hundred things.

623
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:04.000
she's unhappy about and telling him she wants a divorce.

624
00:30:04.000 --> 00:30:06.280
So that happens, right?

625
00:30:06.280 --> 00:30:11.160
And so when I met him, she was still living in the list.

626
00:30:11.160 --> 00:30:15.880
She was still like, she's not like this anymore, but she was still in the phase where she was

627
00:30:15.880 --> 00:30:19.960
blaming him for everything that had gone wrong in her life.

628
00:30:19.960 --> 00:30:22.480
You know, Oh, I shouldn't have been involved with religion.

629
00:30:22.480 --> 00:30:26.280
And I'm mad because I was at that, you know, spiritually abusive church for so long and

630
00:30:26.280 --> 00:30:28.240
you kept me there and blah, blah, blah.

631
00:30:28.240 --> 00:30:30.440
And everyone's tried to control me my whole life.

632
00:30:30.440 --> 00:30:34.840
And, you know, she had a lot of other things in her heart from her own childhood and all

633
00:30:34.840 --> 00:30:36.360
different types of stuff.

634
00:30:36.360 --> 00:30:37.360
She's not like that anymore.

635
00:30:37.360 --> 00:30:41.960
In fact, they had a conversation a couple of years ago where she invited him to coffee.

636
00:30:41.960 --> 00:30:46.840
Remember, we've been married for 17 years, so they've been not together for 19 years.

637
00:30:46.840 --> 00:30:52.000
And so where she wanted to express to him that she had been wrong and that she was sorry

638
00:30:52.000 --> 00:30:55.360
and that she hoped that he could forgive her and all the things.

639
00:30:55.440 --> 00:30:58.880
And some of us may get those apologies, but some of us may not get those apologies.

640
00:30:58.880 --> 00:31:04.280
But early in our relationship, what God said to me is this, he said, Jackie, you have to

641
00:31:04.280 --> 00:31:10.560
stop getting offended at her attitude towards you and towards her former husband because

642
00:31:10.560 --> 00:31:17.400
her view of him and your view of him as his new wife are not the same.

643
00:31:17.400 --> 00:31:22.700
And so you got to get that the guy or the woman that you got, you might be marrying

644
00:31:22.700 --> 00:31:25.120
that other person doesn't see them the way that you see them.

645
00:31:25.880 --> 00:31:27.440
They don't know them the way that you know them.

646
00:31:27.440 --> 00:31:30.880
Hopefully they learn something from their divorce and they're better now.

647
00:31:30.880 --> 00:31:34.720
And I feel like we're better, totally different people than we were.

648
00:31:34.720 --> 00:31:35.720
Oh, totally.

649
00:31:35.720 --> 00:31:36.720
We're better now.

650
00:31:36.720 --> 00:31:37.720
I mean, better for sure.

651
00:31:37.720 --> 00:31:40.080
So much better, but very different as well.

652
00:31:40.080 --> 00:31:45.160
So you have to, you have to understand that you can't just be like, oh, you know, you

653
00:31:45.160 --> 00:31:46.160
have to understand that.

654
00:31:46.160 --> 00:31:47.760
So boundaries are important.

655
00:31:47.760 --> 00:31:51.400
So if you see that the person that you're dating has no boundaries with their former

656
00:31:51.400 --> 00:31:55.920
spouse, their former spouse is texting them all the time or calling them all the time.

657
00:31:55.920 --> 00:31:59.040
And they're having to get up and jump and run and do whatever they want.

658
00:31:59.040 --> 00:32:03.160
Or, you know, they're schlepping the kid off on their time and they're ruining your dates

659
00:32:03.160 --> 00:32:06.800
together because it's like, there's no rules.

660
00:32:06.800 --> 00:32:11.880
Then you're going to want to address that before you get into a very serious, engaged

661
00:32:11.880 --> 00:32:15.900
or married state with them, because that's not going to change when you're married.

662
00:32:15.900 --> 00:32:19.800
And it's probably going to drive you a little crazy, right?

663
00:32:19.800 --> 00:32:23.240
You want there to be boundaries, right?

664
00:32:23.240 --> 00:32:26.960
And not everyone knows even what that word means.

665
00:32:26.960 --> 00:32:33.920
And so definitely, if you get serious about someone who has kids and you notice that their

666
00:32:33.920 --> 00:32:39.360
former spouse runs them a little ragged or they do whatever they say, definitely.

667
00:32:39.360 --> 00:32:42.640
And a lot of times that will be just to keep the peace, right?

668
00:32:42.640 --> 00:32:48.400
There'll be one dysfunctional person and the other person to really keep the peace will

669
00:32:48.400 --> 00:32:54.880
just do whatever they want so that there's not some big blowout, but that can't continue

670
00:32:54.880 --> 00:32:57.680
when you're married to them, can it?

671
00:32:57.680 --> 00:32:58.960
Because you don't want to live like that.

672
00:32:58.960 --> 00:33:03.680
You don't want to be held hostage by some unhealthy person that you weren't married

673
00:33:03.680 --> 00:33:05.200
to.

674
00:33:05.200 --> 00:33:08.560
You weren't married to them, right, right.

675
00:33:08.560 --> 00:33:11.980
So it's important to lay down some boundaries there.

676
00:33:11.980 --> 00:33:15.360
And if any of you get into that situation, we can help you with that.

677
00:33:15.360 --> 00:33:18.120
All right, Cheryl, what we got?

678
00:33:18.840 --> 00:33:19.840
And you guys can also unmute yourself, Cheryl.

679
00:33:19.840 --> 00:33:23.560
They can unmute themselves and ask a question, put your hand up if you have something you

680
00:33:23.560 --> 00:33:29.720
want to ask about remarriage, about divorce, about kids, blended family, anything.

681
00:33:29.720 --> 00:33:33.760
And then now we'll open it up to all questions, cover some blended family stuff.

682
00:33:33.760 --> 00:33:37.640
So if you have any question about dating and relationship, anything at all, we'll go ahead

683
00:33:37.640 --> 00:33:38.640
and open that up.

684
00:33:38.640 --> 00:33:42.160
Okay, Nicole, what do you got?

685
00:33:42.160 --> 00:33:48.000
So I haven't been, we've been divorced, it's 15 years.

686
00:33:48.000 --> 00:33:52.880
And I haven't really dated, my kids were my priority, I was basically a single parent.

687
00:33:52.880 --> 00:33:57.760
My ex-husband has been with a woman for about three years.

688
00:33:57.760 --> 00:34:03.480
My kids are very, not negative towards her because we're not together.

689
00:34:03.480 --> 00:34:08.560
They don't like her for reasons of the way that she treats the father.

690
00:34:08.560 --> 00:34:14.560
So I have, not that I fear that they're going to be that way with me, but they're both older.

691
00:34:14.560 --> 00:34:16.639
So how do I approach that?

692
00:34:16.639 --> 00:34:21.920
Because I welcome a blended family and a, you know, to have-

693
00:34:21.920 --> 00:34:23.600
Wait, can I get some clarity?

694
00:34:23.600 --> 00:34:28.639
So you're saying, what should I do about a guy whose kids treat him bad?

695
00:34:28.639 --> 00:34:29.639
No, no, no.

696
00:34:29.639 --> 00:34:37.800
So my ex is with a woman and she talks nasty to him and around my children.

697
00:34:37.800 --> 00:34:42.600
So they're very cut off with her and they don't like being around her.

698
00:34:42.600 --> 00:34:50.280
So them being protective of me because they saw that he wasn't nice with me, they're very

699
00:34:50.280 --> 00:34:52.600
protective of me.

700
00:34:52.600 --> 00:34:56.280
So they're older, they're 19 and 22.

701
00:34:56.280 --> 00:34:59.960
And I, not that I want to like coach them.

702
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:01.580
But like you were saying,

703
00:35:01.580 --> 00:35:05.020
like when is the right time to introduce at that age?

704
00:35:06.140 --> 00:35:08.740
First of all, you're going to definitely need

705
00:35:08.740 --> 00:35:13.740
to choose someone who doesn't have a defense mechanism

706
00:35:13.740 --> 00:35:15.980
of verbal assault.

707
00:35:15.980 --> 00:35:16.820
Okay.

708
00:35:16.820 --> 00:35:19.420
Hey, you guys, we all have defense mechanisms.

709
00:35:19.420 --> 00:35:21.700
I call them self-preservation techniques.

710
00:35:21.700 --> 00:35:23.900
And some people's self-preservation technique

711
00:35:23.900 --> 00:35:25.660
is yelling, right?

712
00:35:25.660 --> 00:35:28.220
Some people's self-preservation technique

713
00:35:28.220 --> 00:35:31.460
is to, you know, start talking over people

714
00:35:31.460 --> 00:35:33.620
or start, you know, accusing or, you know,

715
00:35:33.620 --> 00:35:34.940
and that's a fear to response.

716
00:35:34.940 --> 00:35:36.460
That's a trauma response.

717
00:35:36.460 --> 00:35:37.820
It's not healthy.

718
00:35:37.820 --> 00:35:39.980
You know, it can even border on verbal abuse

719
00:35:39.980 --> 00:35:41.620
depending on what it looks like.

720
00:35:41.620 --> 00:35:43.860
And it sounds like you've already been

721
00:35:43.860 --> 00:35:46.420
in a relationship like that with their father.

722
00:35:46.420 --> 00:35:50.540
And so a criteria, really a non-negotiable for you

723
00:35:50.540 --> 00:35:53.180
in your next relationship will have to be

724
00:35:53.180 --> 00:35:55.860
someone who is even tempered.

725
00:35:55.860 --> 00:35:59.500
Someone who does not use their words to attack.

726
00:35:59.500 --> 00:36:00.340
Gotcha.

727
00:36:00.340 --> 00:36:01.180
Thank you.

728
00:36:01.180 --> 00:36:02.100
Just like I said, I just clarity

729
00:36:02.100 --> 00:36:06.620
because I know that they're defensive with him, with her,

730
00:36:06.620 --> 00:36:08.380
you know, and I don't want that to be,

731
00:36:08.380 --> 00:36:10.740
to come into my relationship for them to have.

732
00:36:10.740 --> 00:36:12.620
I believe that God's going to allow you to be

733
00:36:12.620 --> 00:36:14.060
with someone who's going to show them

734
00:36:14.060 --> 00:36:16.300
how people should really talk to each other.

735
00:36:16.300 --> 00:36:19.860
And that's my prayer that I,

736
00:36:19.860 --> 00:36:24.860
my kingdom marriage is to show them what a real

737
00:36:25.780 --> 00:36:27.220
relationship should be.

738
00:36:27.220 --> 00:36:31.500
Loving, like just everything that it should be.

739
00:36:31.500 --> 00:36:32.340
Absolutely.

740
00:36:32.340 --> 00:36:33.160
For sure.

741
00:36:33.160 --> 00:36:34.000
A hundred percent.

742
00:36:34.000 --> 00:36:35.100
I agree with you.

743
00:36:35.100 --> 00:36:35.940
All right.

744
00:36:35.940 --> 00:36:36.780
Hunter, you were nice.

745
00:36:36.780 --> 00:36:38.260
I get it.

746
00:36:38.260 --> 00:36:39.180
Thank you, Nicole.

747
00:36:40.180 --> 00:36:41.900
Hunter, what do you got?

748
00:36:41.900 --> 00:36:45.020
Well, technically, can you hear me?

749
00:36:45.020 --> 00:36:46.060
Yep.

750
00:36:46.060 --> 00:36:46.900
Perfect.

751
00:36:46.900 --> 00:36:49.100
Well, technically there's nothing marriage about me.

752
00:36:49.100 --> 00:36:51.260
It's just, I'm just, I just,

753
00:36:51.260 --> 00:36:53.380
it's about my friend who's married,

754
00:36:53.380 --> 00:36:57.900
but the problem is I, this is, she's a girl that she,

755
00:36:57.900 --> 00:37:01.260
we went to college together as friends and we never dated.

756
00:37:01.260 --> 00:37:05.700
I went to her family's house for church and ministry.

757
00:37:05.700 --> 00:37:09.780
But as of right now, as of last year, she got married.

758
00:37:09.780 --> 00:37:12.540
I stayed, even after I moved into New York

759
00:37:12.540 --> 00:37:15.380
and she went out West, when we left Ohio,

760
00:37:15.380 --> 00:37:18.500
we got to stay in contact at least as young adults.

761
00:37:18.500 --> 00:37:22.140
But by the time we got into our mid thirties, we were okay.

762
00:37:22.140 --> 00:37:25.700
And then by the time she met some guy and then they married

763
00:37:25.700 --> 00:37:27.860
they, she, we hardly chat a lot.

764
00:37:27.860 --> 00:37:31.660
And I try to stay in contact, but then of course she goes

765
00:37:31.660 --> 00:37:33.700
and I just say, that's a nice husband.

766
00:37:33.700 --> 00:37:36.500
And she even liked my stuff when I say something positive

767
00:37:36.500 --> 00:37:38.020
on her Facebook blog.

768
00:37:38.020 --> 00:37:40.900
And then as long as it's, she gave me like a hard,

769
00:37:40.900 --> 00:37:44.300
but yeah, by the time, so I try to contact her to say hi,

770
00:37:44.300 --> 00:37:46.660
but even, but not as a, cause you know,

771
00:37:46.660 --> 00:37:48.540
when a girl marries, she, it's like,

772
00:37:48.540 --> 00:37:51.860
she has to pull the plug on all the relationship with guys.

773
00:37:52.620 --> 00:37:54.300
Okay, so what's the question?

774
00:37:54.300 --> 00:37:56.620
Well, even though I was saying,

775
00:37:56.620 --> 00:37:57.900
did I do anything wrong?

776
00:37:57.900 --> 00:37:59.700
And I texted her back saying, hey, how are you?

777
00:37:59.700 --> 00:38:00.980
And never heard back.

778
00:38:00.980 --> 00:38:02.820
And she even has a kid.

779
00:38:02.820 --> 00:38:06.300
And it's like, is that normal for when a girl marries,

780
00:38:06.300 --> 00:38:09.220
she has to pull the plug on all the other relationships

781
00:38:09.220 --> 00:38:11.700
she has with other guys in the past?

782
00:38:11.700 --> 00:38:13.100
I mean, not always.

783
00:38:13.100 --> 00:38:14.700
I mean, it depends on what the context

784
00:38:14.700 --> 00:38:15.860
of the relationship is.

785
00:38:15.860 --> 00:38:18.620
It sounds like you guys were just old youth group friends

786
00:38:18.620 --> 00:38:20.980
or family friends, but it sounds like

787
00:38:20.980 --> 00:38:23.700
for whatever reasons, you know, she has.

788
00:38:23.700 --> 00:38:26.140
So that might be something that her husband wants her to do

789
00:38:26.140 --> 00:38:27.900
or I don't know, but I wouldn't worry about it.

790
00:38:27.900 --> 00:38:29.500
I wouldn't feel rejected by it.

791
00:38:29.500 --> 00:38:31.660
You know, it's time for new relationships.

792
00:38:31.660 --> 00:38:33.900
We can't always stay in contact with all the people

793
00:38:33.900 --> 00:38:36.140
that we've known in the past.

794
00:38:36.140 --> 00:38:37.900
It's time for new things.

795
00:38:37.900 --> 00:38:39.700
I just like saying, how's your husband?

796
00:38:39.700 --> 00:38:41.460
It's a sort of thing, cause the way,

797
00:38:41.460 --> 00:38:44.060
as a way to demonstrate that I'm not a threat

798
00:38:44.060 --> 00:38:47.140
to undermine your marriage with your part,

799
00:38:47.140 --> 00:38:48.860
with your husband, as a way to meet him,

800
00:38:48.860 --> 00:38:52.260
because I'd tell him how she and I go way,

801
00:38:52.260 --> 00:38:55.140
way back in college, back only into college and-

802
00:38:55.140 --> 00:38:57.980
Right, I know that it feels offensive

803
00:38:57.980 --> 00:38:59.540
to have to lose such an old friend,

804
00:38:59.540 --> 00:39:02.300
but it sounds like it's just time to move on from there.

805
00:39:02.300 --> 00:39:05.860
So just is what it is.

806
00:39:05.860 --> 00:39:07.820
And we all have those situations, right?

807
00:39:07.820 --> 00:39:09.580
So it's just time to move on from there

808
00:39:09.580 --> 00:39:11.820
and let God fill that space with new people

809
00:39:11.820 --> 00:39:13.660
and new relationships.

810
00:39:13.660 --> 00:39:17.020
And that's that, okay?

811
00:39:17.020 --> 00:39:18.340
All right.

812
00:39:19.020 --> 00:39:21.620
Sorry, I can tell that that's disappointing,

813
00:39:21.620 --> 00:39:25.180
but I don't, you haven't done anything wrong.

814
00:39:25.180 --> 00:39:26.020
So don't-

815
00:39:26.020 --> 00:39:27.700
It sounds like she's displaying her boundaries

816
00:39:27.700 --> 00:39:28.980
for her purpose.

817
00:39:28.980 --> 00:39:29.820
Yeah.

818
00:39:29.820 --> 00:39:32.580
Even though I have no seductive intentions

819
00:39:32.580 --> 00:39:33.860
to undermine her marriage.

820
00:39:33.860 --> 00:39:35.940
No one thinks that you had seductive intentions.

821
00:39:35.940 --> 00:39:37.420
I doubt that she thinks that either,

822
00:39:37.420 --> 00:39:39.700
but it sounds like she just wants to go ahead and move on.

823
00:39:39.700 --> 00:39:42.420
So that's that.

824
00:39:44.300 --> 00:39:45.300
All right.

825
00:39:45.300 --> 00:39:46.900
So Tiffany, what do you got?

826
00:39:49.300 --> 00:39:50.620
Tiffany Butler.

827
00:39:54.620 --> 00:39:56.140
All right.

828
00:39:56.140 --> 00:39:56.980
Stacey.

829
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:00.840
Hello?

830
00:40:01.700 --> 00:40:02.860
Oh, Tiffany's ready.

831
00:40:02.860 --> 00:40:03.700
Oh, Tiffany's ready.

832
00:40:03.700 --> 00:40:06.100
Go ahead, Tiffany and then Stacey.

833
00:40:06.100 --> 00:40:07.100
Okay, go ahead.

834
00:40:07.100 --> 00:40:07.940
I'm sorry about that.

835
00:40:07.940 --> 00:40:09.380
So this is my question.

836
00:40:09.380 --> 00:40:11.940
I see a lot of women, and no shade to anybody else,

837
00:40:11.940 --> 00:40:15.220
but I see that, you know, sometimes you talk about pacing

838
00:40:15.220 --> 00:40:17.220
and I see that after maybe two or three dates,

839
00:40:17.220 --> 00:40:18.780
they're at level three.

840
00:40:18.780 --> 00:40:21.220
And I often wonder why, you know,

841
00:40:21.220 --> 00:40:23.380
I proceed with caution just because I have a five-year-old

842
00:40:23.380 --> 00:40:24.740
and I don't want to introduce him to somebody

843
00:40:24.740 --> 00:40:26.420
that he doesn't need to meet.

844
00:40:26.420 --> 00:40:29.380
But I wonder that, what is that feeling like to,

845
00:40:29.380 --> 00:40:30.700
I don't want to sit there jumping quickly,

846
00:40:30.700 --> 00:40:32.780
but why am I not there?

847
00:40:32.780 --> 00:40:34.820
Like, am I just like overly cautious?

848
00:40:34.820 --> 00:40:37.060
Because I'm seeing, like I said, two or three dates,

849
00:40:37.060 --> 00:40:40.140
maybe a couple of weeks, and they're at a level three

850
00:40:40.140 --> 00:40:42.060
and I'm cruising in level two,

851
00:40:42.060 --> 00:40:43.300
just getting to know a bunch of people.

852
00:40:43.300 --> 00:40:45.540
Like I like to date people, you know,

853
00:40:45.540 --> 00:40:47.180
a lot of different types of guys

854
00:40:47.180 --> 00:40:48.740
and meeting different types of guys.

855
00:40:48.740 --> 00:40:50.000
And I guess I wanted to know,

856
00:40:50.000 --> 00:40:55.000
should I be looking out to get into that level three quickly

857
00:40:55.720 --> 00:40:58.180
instead of kind of just easing into it

858
00:40:58.180 --> 00:41:00.620
and letting it happen whenever?

859
00:41:00.620 --> 00:41:01.580
If that makes sense.

860
00:41:01.580 --> 00:41:02.780
Not according to my coaching.

861
00:41:02.780 --> 00:41:04.840
So if you're talking about people in this community

862
00:41:04.840 --> 00:41:08.780
jumping into level three after two or three dates,

863
00:41:08.780 --> 00:41:09.880
I think that honestly,

864
00:41:09.880 --> 00:41:13.700
that is a very kind of religious Christian thing to do.

865
00:41:13.700 --> 00:41:15.020
I think that Christian people

866
00:41:15.020 --> 00:41:18.860
really, really rush exclusivity, I do.

867
00:41:18.860 --> 00:41:20.840
And I think that sex is part of it.

868
00:41:20.840 --> 00:41:23.540
I think that, oh, if this person likes me,

869
00:41:23.540 --> 00:41:26.180
then God must have sent them as part of it.

870
00:41:26.180 --> 00:41:28.000
I think that there's a lot of different reasons

871
00:41:28.820 --> 00:41:29.660
why it happens.

872
00:41:29.660 --> 00:41:32.320
I think that giving yourself time to get to know someone,

873
00:41:32.320 --> 00:41:34.960
I knew David as my next door neighbor for four months

874
00:41:34.960 --> 00:41:38.560
before we actually even went on a date, okay?

875
00:41:38.560 --> 00:41:41.560
And so, and we live right next door to each other.

876
00:41:41.560 --> 00:41:43.360
So we saw each other plenty of times,

877
00:41:43.360 --> 00:41:45.940
but we had complicated lives during that timeframe.

878
00:41:45.940 --> 00:41:47.320
We were both going through divorces.

879
00:41:47.320 --> 00:41:49.400
There was all different types of things happening.

880
00:41:49.400 --> 00:41:50.960
I was definitely healing a lot.

881
00:41:50.960 --> 00:41:55.960
And so I think that when it's time to go exclusive

882
00:41:56.440 --> 00:41:58.120
with someone, first of all,

883
00:41:58.120 --> 00:42:01.040
the man should be leading the charge on that.

884
00:42:01.040 --> 00:42:05.160
So a man should be wanting to be exclusive with you.

885
00:42:05.160 --> 00:42:07.480
It's not about you deciding to be exclusive with a man.

886
00:42:07.480 --> 00:42:10.640
It's about you being invited to be exclusive with a man.

887
00:42:10.640 --> 00:42:12.680
And then you make a decision on whether or not

888
00:42:12.680 --> 00:42:14.480
you want to receive that invitation.

889
00:42:15.920 --> 00:42:17.520
So gentlemen, if you're here,

890
00:42:17.520 --> 00:42:20.280
you should be the ones that are driving exclusivity

891
00:42:20.280 --> 00:42:21.360
when it's time.

892
00:42:21.360 --> 00:42:23.840
You should be the one that sees the good thing

893
00:42:23.840 --> 00:42:28.840
that you want to make sure that you have exclusive

894
00:42:28.840 --> 00:42:33.080
opportunity towards and not everybody else.

895
00:42:33.080 --> 00:42:35.360
And so that's a very masculine thing to do.

896
00:42:35.360 --> 00:42:38.040
And so when that happens, Tiffany and these guys,

897
00:42:38.040 --> 00:42:40.360
now, should you show yourself

898
00:42:40.360 --> 00:42:42.280
to be interested in exclusivity?

899
00:42:42.280 --> 00:42:44.040
Should you maybe take down some walls

900
00:42:44.040 --> 00:42:49.040
so that guys see a clear path to possibly being more

901
00:42:49.240 --> 00:42:52.040
than just a dating companion of yours?

902
00:42:52.040 --> 00:42:53.280
Then yes, for sure.

903
00:42:53.680 --> 00:42:55.360
But I do understand that you have a five-year-old son

904
00:42:55.360 --> 00:42:56.880
and I think it's wise.

905
00:42:56.880 --> 00:42:57.920
Yeah.

906
00:42:57.920 --> 00:43:02.400
And you should take the time to explore the relationship

907
00:43:02.400 --> 00:43:05.280
to know when you want to.

908
00:43:05.280 --> 00:43:07.120
Level three is that exclusivity.

909
00:43:08.880 --> 00:43:11.920
You and I are now moving towards intention

910
00:43:11.920 --> 00:43:16.120
of still seeing whether we want to get to know each other.

911
00:43:16.120 --> 00:43:18.440
Yeah, you guys remember level three exclusivity

912
00:43:18.440 --> 00:43:19.480
is not marriage.

913
00:43:19.480 --> 00:43:20.320
It's just-

914
00:43:20.320 --> 00:43:21.160
It's not engagement.

915
00:43:21.160 --> 00:43:22.160
We're gonna focus on each other.

916
00:43:22.160 --> 00:43:23.000
Exactly.

917
00:43:23.920 --> 00:43:25.640
We're gonna give each other our time and attention

918
00:43:25.640 --> 00:43:27.120
and see where this can go.

919
00:43:27.120 --> 00:43:29.360
See if there's something here to build on.

920
00:43:29.360 --> 00:43:31.040
All right, Stacey, what do you got?

921
00:43:34.240 --> 00:43:39.240
Okay, so I flow more opposite Tiffany where I'm like,

922
00:43:39.800 --> 00:43:41.960
yeah, I want exclusive right away.

923
00:43:41.960 --> 00:43:43.560
Now, I'm not saying it always works for me,

924
00:43:43.560 --> 00:43:44.760
but here's the bottom line.

925
00:43:44.760 --> 00:43:47.400
So there's this guy that I've been talking to

926
00:43:47.400 --> 00:43:49.000
that lives in Indiana.

927
00:43:49.000 --> 00:43:49.960
Yeah.

928
00:43:50.000 --> 00:43:53.160
Okay, so we have had three video chats

929
00:43:53.160 --> 00:43:55.360
and we've texted back and forth for a while.

930
00:43:55.360 --> 00:43:59.240
So on Easter, he texted me, we texted a little bit

931
00:43:59.240 --> 00:44:00.080
and then I was like, okay,

932
00:44:00.080 --> 00:44:02.240
let me just see if he reaches out at all.

933
00:44:02.240 --> 00:44:03.560
So he did not.

934
00:44:03.560 --> 00:44:05.200
He didn't reach out.

935
00:44:05.200 --> 00:44:08.440
I had an event today and I sent him a message

936
00:44:08.440 --> 00:44:10.320
and said, hey, pray for me about this event,

937
00:44:10.320 --> 00:44:12.160
et cetera, at work.

938
00:44:12.160 --> 00:44:15.680
And anytime I reach out to him, he's super responsive,

939
00:44:16.800 --> 00:44:18.840
kind, respectful and all that.

940
00:44:18.880 --> 00:44:23.040
But I'm probably, now that I hear what Tiffany said,

941
00:44:23.040 --> 00:44:26.840
I'm being impatient because I'm like, what are we doing?

942
00:44:26.840 --> 00:44:27.680
Like, what's next?

943
00:44:27.680 --> 00:44:28.520
Come on.

944
00:44:28.520 --> 00:44:31.320
And so I think I'm answering my own question

945
00:44:31.320 --> 00:44:33.560
and I need to relax.

946
00:44:33.560 --> 00:44:36.080
Well, it's just a little bit of anxious detachment, right?

947
00:44:36.080 --> 00:44:37.240
You want certainty.

948
00:44:37.240 --> 00:44:38.560
You want this person-

949
00:44:38.560 --> 00:44:39.960
I want certainty.

950
00:44:39.960 --> 00:44:43.760
Yeah, you want this person to make their intentions known

951
00:44:43.760 --> 00:44:45.800
and you wanna basically know whether or not

952
00:44:45.800 --> 00:44:48.240
you should waste even one more second on it.

953
00:44:48.320 --> 00:44:52.720
And that's fair because you've gone far down roads

954
00:44:52.720 --> 00:44:54.160
that ended up being dead ends

955
00:44:54.160 --> 00:44:56.000
and you don't wanna do that anymore.

956
00:44:56.000 --> 00:44:58.440
And so I think that we get to a certain point in our lives,

957
00:44:58.440 --> 00:44:59.840
and a lot of you are already there,

958
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:03.400
We're just not willing to invest a lot of ourselves

959
00:45:03.400 --> 00:45:06.080
in relationships that are not going anywhere.

960
00:45:06.080 --> 00:45:08.680
And that's why it's important for us to look for

961
00:45:10.960 --> 00:45:11.800
reciprocation.

962
00:45:11.800 --> 00:45:13.040
Reciprocity.

963
00:45:13.040 --> 00:45:16.960
Or that, or reciprocation from the very get-go, right?

964
00:45:16.960 --> 00:45:18.800
And ladies, this is especially true for you.

965
00:45:18.800 --> 00:45:21.600
You should be not putting more into the relationship

966
00:45:21.600 --> 00:45:23.640
than the man is, because here's one thing,

967
00:45:23.640 --> 00:45:25.640
and David, tell me if I'm wrong.

968
00:45:25.640 --> 00:45:27.880
When a man wants something, what will he do?

969
00:45:27.920 --> 00:45:31.280
He will go to the ends of the earth to get it.

970
00:45:31.280 --> 00:45:32.120
Hello?

971
00:45:32.120 --> 00:45:33.800
And I see Mike saying yes as well.

972
00:45:33.800 --> 00:45:34.920
If you are a man on here,

973
00:45:34.920 --> 00:45:37.320
please raise your little avatar hand,

974
00:45:37.320 --> 00:45:39.200
shoot off some fireworks or something

975
00:45:39.200 --> 00:45:40.920
to show us that that is true.

976
00:45:40.920 --> 00:45:42.880
I mean, if a guy, I mean, you know,

977
00:45:42.880 --> 00:45:44.200
there's a lot of variables into that,

978
00:45:44.200 --> 00:45:46.440
but you know, if a guy's into a girl, you know,

979
00:45:46.440 --> 00:45:49.600
he's gonna do what he's gonna do

980
00:45:49.600 --> 00:45:53.000
to try to be close to, next to, push it.

981
00:45:53.000 --> 00:45:54.040
I mean, whatever.

982
00:45:54.040 --> 00:45:56.080
You tried to buy me skincare.

983
00:45:56.080 --> 00:45:57.120
What?

984
00:45:57.120 --> 00:45:57.960
You did.

985
00:45:57.960 --> 00:45:58.800
What?

986
00:45:58.800 --> 00:45:59.640
You gave me skincare.

987
00:45:59.640 --> 00:46:00.480
I tried to buy you off.

988
00:46:00.480 --> 00:46:02.880
You tried to buy me skincare products.

989
00:46:02.880 --> 00:46:04.360
One day when he was my neighbor,

990
00:46:04.360 --> 00:46:06.080
he hadn't told me that, you know,

991
00:46:06.080 --> 00:46:08.600
he had any kind of thing towards me.

992
00:46:08.600 --> 00:46:10.400
But one day he just said to me, he said,

993
00:46:10.400 --> 00:46:11.280
what kind of skin do you have?

994
00:46:11.280 --> 00:46:13.400
And I was like, what are you talking about?

995
00:46:13.400 --> 00:46:15.360
And he's like, you know, is it combination?

996
00:46:15.360 --> 00:46:16.200
Is it oily?

997
00:46:16.200 --> 00:46:17.040
Is it dry?

998
00:46:17.040 --> 00:46:18.280
And I was like, what?

999
00:46:18.280 --> 00:46:20.760
And I was like, I don't know, combination, I guess.

1000
00:46:20.760 --> 00:46:22.680
And then like a couple of days later,

1001
00:46:22.680 --> 00:46:25.480
there was a little present at my front door

1002
00:46:25.480 --> 00:46:27.520
of like some skincare.

1003
00:46:27.520 --> 00:46:29.480
No, it was, yeah, it was sitting at my door.

1004
00:46:29.480 --> 00:46:30.920
I remember, like it was yesterday.

1005
00:46:30.920 --> 00:46:34.480
When was the time that I went and found you at the salon?

1006
00:46:34.480 --> 00:46:36.840
Oh, okay, a whole different time.

1007
00:46:36.840 --> 00:46:39.160
I was at the nail salon getting my nails done.

1008
00:46:39.160 --> 00:46:42.040
Okay, okay, so.

1009
00:46:42.040 --> 00:46:43.200
Getting my nails done,

1010
00:46:43.200 --> 00:46:45.720
and he came in the salon looking for me.

1011
00:46:47.160 --> 00:46:50.440
But that's an example of a guy

1012
00:46:50.440 --> 00:46:53.720
who's willing to do something like, huh, how can I?

1013
00:46:53.720 --> 00:46:56.920
And the guys are not normally like that.

1014
00:46:56.920 --> 00:47:00.800
It's kind of like animals in the wild

1015
00:47:00.800 --> 00:47:03.680
when they do strange things out of character

1016
00:47:03.680 --> 00:47:07.200
and they, you know, really become very vulnerable.

1017
00:47:07.200 --> 00:47:10.200
That's what happens to guys when they're into a girl.

1018
00:47:10.200 --> 00:47:12.560
They'll just like lose their natural mind

1019
00:47:12.560 --> 00:47:14.160
and be like, oh, I'm out here.

1020
00:47:14.160 --> 00:47:16.920
I'm trying to find this girl because I'm really into her.

1021
00:47:16.920 --> 00:47:17.960
And I think she's hot.

1022
00:47:17.960 --> 00:47:20.880
And I think I just, I mean, I gotta find out.

1023
00:47:20.880 --> 00:47:22.560
So guys do.

1024
00:47:22.600 --> 00:47:23.440
That is what they do.

1025
00:47:23.440 --> 00:47:27.200
So what I hear you saying is I should let it go.

1026
00:47:27.200 --> 00:47:28.600
And move on. I would.

1027
00:47:28.600 --> 00:47:29.440
Okay.

1028
00:47:29.440 --> 00:47:30.280
Yeah, I mean, here's the thing.

1029
00:47:30.280 --> 00:47:32.040
It doesn't mean, here's the thing, Stacy,

1030
00:47:32.040 --> 00:47:32.880
and this is important.

1031
00:47:32.880 --> 00:47:34.880
You guys, there's a lot of variables here, right?

1032
00:47:34.880 --> 00:47:37.760
She definitely shouldn't try to, you know,

1033
00:47:37.760 --> 00:47:40.240
keep him engaged, right?

1034
00:47:40.240 --> 00:47:41.920
She doesn't need another pen pal.

1035
00:47:41.920 --> 00:47:42.960
But here's the thing.

1036
00:47:42.960 --> 00:47:44.800
There are a lot of reasons why this man

1037
00:47:44.800 --> 00:47:46.520
could have been really interested

1038
00:47:46.520 --> 00:47:47.760
and now is pulling back.

1039
00:47:47.760 --> 00:47:50.400
And long distance is probably the number one reason.

1040
00:47:50.400 --> 00:47:52.120
Long distance is hard.

1041
00:47:52.720 --> 00:47:54.400
People talk themselves out of long distance

1042
00:47:54.400 --> 00:47:57.480
every single day because it's hard.

1043
00:47:57.480 --> 00:47:58.760
She said he lives in Indiana.

1044
00:47:58.760 --> 00:47:59.600
I know where she lives.

1045
00:47:59.600 --> 00:48:00.840
She lives in Austin, Texas.

1046
00:48:00.840 --> 00:48:03.240
And so that's far away.

1047
00:48:03.240 --> 00:48:05.280
And so gotta be in it to win it

1048
00:48:05.280 --> 00:48:06.840
if there's long distance involved.

1049
00:48:06.840 --> 00:48:09.800
And so this guy, I'm sure he enjoyed the flirtation.

1050
00:48:09.800 --> 00:48:10.640
He enjoys you.

1051
00:48:10.640 --> 00:48:11.480
You're fun.

1052
00:48:11.480 --> 00:48:12.320
You're feminine.

1053
00:48:12.320 --> 00:48:13.160
You're flirty.

1054
00:48:13.160 --> 00:48:15.360
But is it realistic for you to be together?

1055
00:48:15.360 --> 00:48:17.640
And his analytical part of him

1056
00:48:17.640 --> 00:48:19.760
probably started getting the better of him.

1057
00:48:22.280 --> 00:48:23.120
Yeah.

1058
00:48:24.080 --> 00:48:24.920
But here's the thing.

1059
00:48:24.920 --> 00:48:27.200
And this is why all of you that have done long distance,

1060
00:48:27.200 --> 00:48:29.360
you're chatting, you're flirting, you're having fun,

1061
00:48:29.360 --> 00:48:31.000
get in person with each other.

1062
00:48:31.000 --> 00:48:32.280
Just get in person with each other.

1063
00:48:32.280 --> 00:48:33.600
Because here's the thing, Stacey.

1064
00:48:33.600 --> 00:48:35.120
If you get in person with him,

1065
00:48:36.240 --> 00:48:38.080
the smell of your pheromones might be enough

1066
00:48:38.080 --> 00:48:40.680
for him to do long distance, okay?

1067
00:48:40.680 --> 00:48:43.680
He's gonna have to get with you in person.

1068
00:48:43.680 --> 00:48:45.200
And when he gets with you in person,

1069
00:48:45.200 --> 00:48:47.240
after he's in person with you,

1070
00:48:47.240 --> 00:48:51.880
if then he doesn't try to go the distance, so to speak,

1071
00:48:52.640 --> 00:48:53.480
then just forget it.

1072
00:48:53.480 --> 00:48:54.760
But before you get in person,

1073
00:48:54.760 --> 00:48:56.160
yeah, there might be potential there,

1074
00:48:56.160 --> 00:48:59.280
but he definitely hasn't gotten a whiff of you yet,

1075
00:48:59.280 --> 00:49:00.480
so to speak.

1076
00:49:00.480 --> 00:49:01.320
And that's the thing.

1077
00:49:01.320 --> 00:49:02.160
That's very important.

1078
00:49:02.160 --> 00:49:03.000
It's very important.

1079
00:49:03.000 --> 00:49:03.840
Because I don't understand.

1080
00:49:03.840 --> 00:49:04.960
Tell me if I'm wrong.

1081
00:49:04.960 --> 00:49:06.200
You're wrong.

1082
00:49:06.200 --> 00:49:07.040
Okay.

1083
00:49:08.240 --> 00:49:13.160
I just don't understand the whole long time.

1084
00:49:13.160 --> 00:49:17.440
If I've been with somebody in their presence

1085
00:49:17.440 --> 00:49:19.960
for more than a couple of times,

1086
00:49:20.000 --> 00:49:22.880
and I'm a guy and it's a woman,

1087
00:49:22.880 --> 00:49:25.720
you know whether you're into that person,

1088
00:49:25.720 --> 00:49:27.040
especially from a guy's point of view.

1089
00:49:27.040 --> 00:49:28.280
I don't know about women.

1090
00:49:28.280 --> 00:49:29.360
Maybe they take over lunch.

1091
00:49:29.360 --> 00:49:31.120
Guys, do you think this is true?

1092
00:49:31.120 --> 00:49:33.040
I don't know the whole length of time.

1093
00:49:33.040 --> 00:49:34.760
I don't understand.

1094
00:49:34.760 --> 00:49:37.560
Guys make up their mind pretty quickly

1095
00:49:37.560 --> 00:49:40.000
in a couple instances, I think,

1096
00:49:40.000 --> 00:49:42.400
depending on what the instances are,

1097
00:49:42.400 --> 00:49:46.000
and go, hmm, yeah, I'm into this girl.

1098
00:49:46.000 --> 00:49:48.160
You guys, it's really true.

1099
00:49:48.160 --> 00:49:50.200
I coach women differently than I coach men.

1100
00:49:50.200 --> 00:49:52.720
When I coach women, I always,

1101
00:49:52.720 --> 00:49:55.840
I coach y'all to give men a shot, right?

1102
00:49:55.840 --> 00:49:58.240
Because men can grow on us.

1103
00:49:58.240 --> 00:50:00.840
We don't have to be attracted right from the get-go.

1104
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:05.440
go. We can get attracted to conversational chemistry. We can get attracted to a sense

1105
00:50:05.440 --> 00:50:10.720
of humor. We can get attracted to kindness from someone, right? Men aren't the same way,

1106
00:50:12.560 --> 00:50:16.720
right? If he's not sitting across the table from you wondering what your hair smells like,

1107
00:50:16.720 --> 00:50:22.160
then it ain't going to be a go. And the only thing that might be taking some time with some guys

1108
00:50:23.040 --> 00:50:28.800
is they might be trying to, because they've had some, maybe some past rejection trauma.

1109
00:50:29.440 --> 00:50:34.000
They're, they're unsure of some things. They, you know, they're, they're a little bit insecure.

1110
00:50:34.000 --> 00:50:39.680
So they're taking a little bit more time to sort of play their hand, but they're definitely

1111
00:50:39.680 --> 00:50:44.880
thinking about it. They're trying, they are definitely, it's on their mind, like how.

1112
00:50:44.880 --> 00:50:50.320
And so that's probably what's going on with that guy. Stacey probably has you simmering on a burner

1113
00:50:50.320 --> 00:50:55.120
and that's why you can't mark your dance card off for him. Continue to meet people,

1114
00:50:55.120 --> 00:50:58.960
but if you have an opportunity to see him in person, it looks like June in Wisconsin,

1115
00:50:58.960 --> 00:51:04.240
because that's where you're from. Right. And so, yeah, do it because after you meet in person,

1116
00:51:04.960 --> 00:51:11.600
either it's going to turn into a crazy, you know, you know, some 11 or it's not,

1117
00:51:12.640 --> 00:51:18.800
but one or the other is going to happen. Yeah. So, okay. So, but Stacy's single and available

1118
00:51:18.800 --> 00:51:23.520
men. And so she's got something simmering on the back burner, but she's willing to turn that off

1119
00:51:23.520 --> 00:51:28.480
for sure. For someone local who meets all of the things, Elizabeth Erickson go for it.

1120
00:51:29.840 --> 00:51:35.600
I would like to follow up on Tiffany's question. Cause I feel similarly, I am not, I don't have a

1121
00:51:35.600 --> 00:51:42.320
child, but I am kind of relearning how to date. So not like cutting somebody off at date one or

1122
00:51:42.320 --> 00:51:48.720
two where you feel really decisive, but also like kind of letting the slow burn happen and then not

1123
00:51:48.720 --> 00:51:54.000
love bombing and trauma, trauma bonding really early. So like, I'm going on a fourth date with

1124
00:51:54.000 --> 00:51:59.840
a guy and I can tell he's kind of reading me. I'm letting my guard down, but like, I'm not

1125
00:51:59.840 --> 00:52:06.560
interested in being exclusive anytime soon necessarily, but I like him. So it's a yes,

1126
00:52:06.560 --> 00:52:11.760
but I'm not interested in like, like I still would kind of like to date other people for a while. So

1127
00:52:11.760 --> 00:52:16.400
where's that line between, and I can tell where there's like anxious avoidance stuff coming up

1128
00:52:16.400 --> 00:52:23.040
and I'm processing that, but where's the line between wanting to enjoy dating multiple people

1129
00:52:23.040 --> 00:52:29.280
and yet honoring people that you're, that are pursuing consistently not love bombing you.

1130
00:52:30.000 --> 00:52:35.040
Okay. This is kind of new. So I think that you just have to be respectful of your season,

1131
00:52:35.040 --> 00:52:40.560
Elizabeth. So you're, while it'd be great for you to be in a, Hey, I want to get engaged. I want to

1132
00:52:40.560 --> 00:52:44.240
get married season. I don't know that you're there. You know, you're in a place where you're

1133
00:52:44.240 --> 00:52:48.560
healing. You know, she had a broken engagement y'all. She just celebrated what would have been

1134
00:52:48.560 --> 00:52:55.600
her wedding date. Right. And so she is, you know, exploring what it looks like for her to

1135
00:52:55.600 --> 00:53:00.000
choose differently next time, but also just to choose herself. Yeah. She bought herself a home

1136
00:53:00.000 --> 00:53:06.640
girl. She is, listen, she is a beast. She took the money from the wedding that she got back

1137
00:53:06.640 --> 00:53:10.640
because she made him give it back and bought herself a house. Come on y'all. There ain't

1138
00:53:10.640 --> 00:53:17.840
nothing better than that. It was the Lord, but still, all right. And so you're just in a season

1139
00:53:17.840 --> 00:53:21.680
where you're exploring right now, you're tasting different things on the buffet because you almost

1140
00:53:21.680 --> 00:53:26.560
got locked down, you know, to something that you didn't want to get locked down to. And now that

1141
00:53:26.560 --> 00:53:30.800
you realize that you're like, I'm going to really make sure that I know what my options are. And I

1142
00:53:30.800 --> 00:53:35.280
think that that's cool. And I think that, you know, you should let people know that as you're

1143
00:53:35.280 --> 00:53:41.440
getting to know them that, Hey, you know, I'm not, I'm not looking to rush this. And I think

1144
00:53:41.440 --> 00:53:46.560
it's, I think it's right to be really, to be honest with people, but I want you to think about

1145
00:53:46.560 --> 00:53:52.560
the love bombing thing. Cause we always hear about the love bombing thing. Love bombing is exclusive

1146
00:53:52.560 --> 00:54:00.720
to please listen, anxious attachment and also narcissism. Um, okay. So love bombing is where

1147
00:54:00.720 --> 00:54:06.400
someone tries to make a very quick emotional connection to you for the purpose of manipulating

1148
00:54:06.400 --> 00:54:13.680
you or for the purpose of, you know, feeling like, um, you know, uh, stabilized themselves

1149
00:54:13.680 --> 00:54:17.680
because they have anxious attachment. Um, and they're willing to do anything to continue to

1150
00:54:17.680 --> 00:54:23.040
keep that connection, deceive, seduce, you know, manipulate, and that's not good. But

1151
00:54:23.600 --> 00:54:27.040
I think that we forget that secure attachers, people that are secure,

1152
00:54:28.080 --> 00:54:36.080
they also know very quickly what they want. And so they might be someone who express

1153
00:54:36.080 --> 00:54:41.200
deep feelings for you pretty quick in the relationship. That's not love bombing.

1154
00:54:41.200 --> 00:54:45.200
That's just someone who knows who they are, knows what they want, and they know they want you.

1155
00:54:45.200 --> 00:54:50.320
So we need to know the difference. And in this case also, don't forget because you did that

1156
00:54:50.400 --> 00:54:55.920
the old adage. Yes. He's a secure attacher. The old adage, true love waits. So even if you are

1157
00:54:56.560 --> 00:54:59.840
meeting the person that eventually might be the person.

1158
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:06.920
Yeah, even though in the season. Yeah, that doesn't mean that you know, you can't come full circle in a matter of time

1159
00:55:07.280 --> 00:55:11.520
When you come into another season, but right now you're in this this guy

1160
00:55:11.520 --> 00:55:17.480
We we went on a walk together as neighbors. I was out jogging. He was outside said hey you want to go for a jog?

1161
00:55:17.480 --> 00:55:21.120
He said I don't jog I said apparently because I'm just a little you know

1162
00:55:21.120 --> 00:55:26.440
Cheeky monkey and then he I said he said I'll walk with you and I was like, okay

1163
00:55:26.520 --> 00:55:31.520
So we went on a walk and on the walk he looks right dead at me and he said

1164
00:55:32.480 --> 00:55:35.040
When I am ready to get remarried

1165
00:55:35.040 --> 00:55:41.100
I don't think I'm gonna have to look very far and I realized he was talking about me and I was like

1166
00:55:42.280 --> 00:55:47.460
Remember, we've never been on a date. We've never had any kind of romantic situation and I was like

1167
00:55:48.120 --> 00:55:50.280
And then of course I tried to bolt

1168
00:55:51.080 --> 00:55:57.000
Right after that conversation it felt good in the moment because I was just like yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think so, too

1169
00:55:57.000 --> 00:56:00.400
And he's like, yeah, I think we're gonna get married someday and I was like, yeah, I think so, too

1170
00:56:00.400 --> 00:56:02.400
And then I went home and I'm like, oh my god

1171
00:56:04.720 --> 00:56:06.800
But it's because he was secure attacher

1172
00:56:07.400 --> 00:56:12.840
Right, but I wasn't a secure attacher. I was extremely avoided attached by that time in my life

1173
00:56:12.840 --> 00:56:15.960
And so remember secure attachers, they know

1174
00:56:16.560 --> 00:56:19.960
They know pretty quickly. Alright, we have a lot of questions to get through. So let's go

1175
00:56:20.440 --> 00:56:26.520
Let's kind of short brief and powerful. No long backstory so we can get to all of them popcorn round Mike go for it

1176
00:56:27.400 --> 00:56:30.960
so it's funny because my questions change since we've been talking so

1177
00:56:31.620 --> 00:56:37.400
you know like as a guy like why I just totally related day because when I when I pursue somebody I

1178
00:56:37.680 --> 00:56:43.000
Have a good inclination that we might actually work out which is like so the love-bombing thing

1179
00:56:43.360 --> 00:56:49.040
so my question is is I was 20 years in the anxious avoidant loop and I've kind of

1180
00:56:51.040 --> 00:56:57.240
I don't want to discount anybody who hasn't avoid an attachment style because that wouldn't be right but at the same time

1181
00:56:57.480 --> 00:57:01.960
I think because I'm pretty upfront and straightforward. I don't play around

1182
00:57:01.960 --> 00:57:08.440
I I have a lot of amazing female friends that I watched him get screwed with and I hate it

1183
00:57:08.440 --> 00:57:14.320
So I just I've been pretty upfront with my intentions, but it usually leads to people bolting, right?

1184
00:57:14.320 --> 00:57:18.600
And I and I don't I'm not but I'm not the first day. I'm not the first out the gate like hey boom

1185
00:57:18.720 --> 00:57:24.000
I want you know, but at the same time I don't play I don't I've never been that I'm just pretty

1186
00:57:24.480 --> 00:57:26.480
So my question is to you

1187
00:57:28.640 --> 00:57:33.280
How could I better help people with an avoidant attachment style

1188
00:57:34.840 --> 00:57:42.080
Connect I guess is that I think that's what I'm asking because that's who I usually end up talking to

1189
00:57:42.520 --> 00:57:44.520
Like

1190
00:57:44.640 --> 00:57:47.480
Yeah, I think huh patience, right

1191
00:57:48.360 --> 00:57:53.640
Patience and which which goes along with what I was gonna say, which is you know

1192
00:57:55.360 --> 00:57:57.360
Learn some like suave

1193
00:57:57.800 --> 00:57:58.960
techniques

1194
00:57:58.960 --> 00:58:00.520
like seriously

1195
00:58:00.520 --> 00:58:06.000
Yeah, like if you're coming across too direct and too firm

1196
00:58:06.680 --> 00:58:13.320
That can be intimidating so nothing wrong with being up front and nothing wrong with being

1197
00:58:15.800 --> 00:58:22.800
You know very assertive but doing in a way that's playful and has some swap don't play all your cards

1198
00:58:22.800 --> 00:58:25.160
I'm gonna tell you as a former avoidant. I mean, I'm so

1199
00:58:25.920 --> 00:58:27.920
But I've become secure in this relationship

1200
00:58:28.080 --> 00:58:34.760
I will tell you to avoid it to a woman who's an avoidant a man who's coming on too strong is a massive ick

1201
00:58:35.160 --> 00:58:41.400
It's a massive. Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick and maybe Mike it's time for you to change your

1202
00:58:41.760 --> 00:58:45.840
What you're attracted to if you're attracted to all these avoided women, you know

1203
00:58:45.840 --> 00:58:49.840
maybe there's something deeper there in the heart work that we have to take a look at of why you

1204
00:58:50.600 --> 00:58:52.240
basically are

1205
00:58:52.240 --> 00:58:58.680
Attracted to women who are not attracted back or who are not in any way shape or form ready for a relationship

1206
00:58:59.320 --> 00:59:01.320
That seems to be the pattern

1207
00:59:01.760 --> 00:59:06.520
We don't look at that, let's look at that in heart work Mondays, okay and boundary Mondays for sure

1208
00:59:06.520 --> 00:59:11.760
But good question, right popcorn round you guys short brief and powerful. Boom. Boom. Boom Laura. It's your turn Chapman

1209
00:59:14.480 --> 00:59:17.040
Yeah, okay, so as I said

1210
00:59:18.520 --> 00:59:20.520
About my dad. My dad is a

1211
00:59:21.440 --> 00:59:23.440
minister and he

1212
00:59:23.880 --> 00:59:29.600
Kind of changed his viewpoint on divorce and remarriage over the years for a while

1213
00:59:29.640 --> 00:59:32.560
he believed it was okay to

1214
00:59:33.720 --> 00:59:40.040
Remarry people remarried people who have been married before but now he let me ask you a question real quick, honey

1215
00:59:40.040 --> 00:59:42.040
How old are you?

1216
00:59:42.320 --> 00:59:43.880
I'm 40

1217
00:59:43.880 --> 00:59:50.000
Okay, ha and what do you think about divorce and remarriage? Do you think that it's okay to remarry after you've been divorced? I

1218
00:59:50.680 --> 00:59:52.680
mean, I

1219
00:59:53.040 --> 00:59:56.080
know people who have been but I'm

1220
00:59:56.880 --> 00:59:58.440
Just going by

1221
00:59:58.440 --> 01:00:00.520
Well, I was going

1222
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:07.520
by what the Bible says about it. But even after watching your video on that topic,

1223
01:00:07.520 --> 01:00:12.000
it gave me clarity a little bit. And I talked to him about it and I was like,

1224
01:00:12.000 --> 01:00:19.200
Hey, this is what she said. And you know, but I'm a daddy's girl. So I'm all right.

1225
01:00:19.200 --> 01:00:24.720
Well, here's the thing. You don't have to marry someone who's been divorced. You don't. But

1226
01:00:24.720 --> 01:00:28.880
if you don't think that it's wrong, if you, if you don't think that's biblically proven that it's

1227
01:00:28.880 --> 01:00:34.800
wrong, first of all, people can get remarried even under your dad's viewpoint. He can't deny

1228
01:00:34.800 --> 01:00:42.000
that infidelity is definitely a cause for divorce and remarriage. So the bottom line is, is that

1229
01:00:42.000 --> 01:00:46.400
you're going to have to, at some point in your life, make a decision that, you know, what you

1230
01:00:46.400 --> 01:00:50.720
want to do with your life is more important than what your dad wants you to do. Sounds like there's

1231
01:00:50.720 --> 01:00:54.960
some sounds like there's some boundary issues there. Love you, girl. But it sounds like there's

1232
01:00:54.960 --> 01:01:00.640
some boundary issues there. Um, cause I'm 50 years old or I will be, and I do have a dad as

1233
01:01:00.640 --> 01:01:06.000
well, and I'm not a daddy's girl, so I can't relate to that. But, um, I think that my dad has

1234
01:01:06.000 --> 01:01:10.480
some wise things to say, but at the end of the day, you know, I have to make a decision about

1235
01:01:10.480 --> 01:01:14.560
what I'm going to do. And for those of you that are single and you've never really had a man in

1236
01:01:14.560 --> 01:01:18.960
your life besides your dad, and maybe that's Laura's situation here. Um, you're definitely

1237
01:01:18.960 --> 01:01:22.880
going to look up to them and admire them. But remember at the end of the day, it is your life

1238
01:01:22.880 --> 01:01:28.000
and you do have to make your own decisions. And I think this is an unpopular opinion right now

1239
01:01:28.000 --> 01:01:34.000
during this conversation. I think the Lord will absolutely take you to a place where you will

1240
01:01:34.000 --> 01:01:39.680
have to make decisions in opposition of the people that you idolize. Let me say that again.

1241
01:01:39.680 --> 01:01:44.240
I think that the Lord will take you to places where you absolutely have to make decisions of

1242
01:01:44.240 --> 01:01:51.200
your own that you have peace with in opposition of the people whose opinions have controlled your

1243
01:01:51.200 --> 01:01:56.320
life, whether that's good or bad, because we can't allow that to be the case in our lives.

1244
01:01:57.600 --> 01:02:02.320
Right. Am I right? Yeah. I think one of the most important questions,

1245
01:02:04.080 --> 01:02:08.560
I think one of the most important questions that any one person can ask, and this is very large

1246
01:02:08.560 --> 01:02:16.880
and existential, but it is, what do you want? What do you want? And not just one time in your life,

1247
01:02:16.880 --> 01:02:23.840
but continually because what that forces you to do is not to go, oh, that's a selfish question

1248
01:02:23.840 --> 01:02:27.280
because if I should really answer that, then it would just be all about me and be all, you know,

1249
01:02:27.280 --> 01:02:35.200
selfish. No, what it does is it forces you to identify what God has already placed inside of you

1250
01:02:35.760 --> 01:02:47.040
that he wants to bring out in you. And it's inextricably linked to answering the question,

1251
01:02:47.040 --> 01:02:53.760
what do you want? It's like the notebook. What do you want? Seriously? It's a real good question.

1252
01:02:53.760 --> 01:03:00.480
It's a dramatic moment in the movie, but it is key to what do you want?

1253
01:03:01.360 --> 01:03:05.920
And then putting that before the Lord, say, okay, Lord, make it your prayer. Like this is what I

1254
01:03:05.920 --> 01:03:13.520
want. I want this. And so I want to put this before you because I believe I'm coming to a point of

1255
01:03:13.520 --> 01:03:21.600
clarity in even voicing this. And so God's like, okay, finally, finally, something that you said,

1256
01:03:21.600 --> 01:03:26.720
I can start working with because when you start declaring it, he's like, okay, let me help you

1257
01:03:27.680 --> 01:03:31.360
understand how to bring that to fruition, how to bring that about in your life,

1258
01:03:32.240 --> 01:03:36.400
because it's tied to what he's already placed inside of you to bring out.

1259
01:03:36.400 --> 01:03:43.840
And let's just face it, friends. So many people, most people have had such bad examples and bad

1260
01:03:43.840 --> 01:03:47.920
teaching on marriage and what marriage is and, you know, what you should know before you get

1261
01:03:47.920 --> 01:03:51.600
into marriage, especially Christians. It's like, oh, you're a young kid, you have lust for someone,

1262
01:03:51.600 --> 01:03:56.240
you better marry them. You know, you better turn or burn kind of thing. Right. And so,

1263
01:03:56.240 --> 01:04:00.080
so many people find themselves in relationships that they don't belong in. They should have never

1264
01:04:00.080 --> 01:04:05.360
been in. They didn't have good teaching on what to look for in a life partner. To me, it's the

1265
01:04:05.360 --> 01:04:10.000
equivalent of going to college right out of high school when you're only 18 years old and you have

1266
01:04:10.000 --> 01:04:15.680
to, you know, put 70 to a hundred thousand dollars down on a future that you're really not even that

1267
01:04:15.680 --> 01:04:20.960
sure about. Right. It's dumb. And so, so many people have had those experiences with marriage.

1268
01:04:20.960 --> 01:04:28.000
And so, because of that, a lot of people are divorced. A lot of people are divorced. And so,

1269
01:04:28.560 --> 01:04:34.480
do you think that God's just like, oh, you don't get a do-over. Sorry. Too bad for you. Come on,

1270
01:04:34.480 --> 01:04:40.320
y'all. Is that the God that any of us know? And I'm not just saying that emotionally. I do a whole

1271
01:04:40.320 --> 01:04:44.640
teaching on divorce and remarriage straight from the word. And I'm not a theologian, but it is

1272
01:04:44.640 --> 01:04:50.960
signed off on by theologians. Right. Some of the best theologians that you've ever probably seen

1273
01:04:50.960 --> 01:04:55.840
have signed off on that teaching and it is accurate. It is true. It is biblical.

1274
01:04:56.400 --> 01:04:59.840
Yeah. And I want to say this, that, you know, it may sound like a few.

1275
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:02.260
If you listen to tonight's thing,

1276
01:05:02.260 --> 01:05:04.300
if you listen to a lot of the discussions

1277
01:05:04.300 --> 01:05:06.900
around in our community, we talk a lot about divorce

1278
01:05:06.900 --> 01:05:10.060
because it's prevalent.

1279
01:05:10.060 --> 01:05:12.420
It happens all the time.

1280
01:05:12.420 --> 01:05:14.620
Are we saying that divorce is great?

1281
01:05:14.620 --> 01:05:15.820
Of course not.

1282
01:05:15.820 --> 01:05:18.820
Divorce is damaging, it's destructive.

1283
01:05:18.820 --> 01:05:23.220
It's one of the most difficult, challenging, horrible

1284
01:05:23.220 --> 01:05:24.900
and heart-wrenching things

1285
01:05:24.900 --> 01:05:27.540
that any one person can go through.

1286
01:05:27.600 --> 01:05:30.480
Of course it is those things.

1287
01:05:30.480 --> 01:05:34.660
This is why God says, man, I hate that when that happens.

1288
01:05:36.160 --> 01:05:38.280
He's not condemning you with his word saying,

1289
01:05:38.280 --> 01:05:40.360
I hate you because you got divorced.

1290
01:05:40.360 --> 01:05:44.000
He's saying, I hate it when a covenant has been made

1291
01:05:44.000 --> 01:05:46.000
and then that covenant has been broken

1292
01:05:46.000 --> 01:05:49.200
because it's so, covenant is so intertwined

1293
01:05:49.200 --> 01:05:50.760
with who God is and what he does.

1294
01:05:50.760 --> 01:05:52.320
If it even was a covenant.

1295
01:05:52.320 --> 01:05:54.920
Yes, and so that's what we're saying was just like,

1296
01:05:54.920 --> 01:05:56.680
look, divorce is happening,

1297
01:05:56.700 --> 01:05:58.780
whether you like it or not to people.

1298
01:05:58.780 --> 01:06:00.740
And this is where people are at.

1299
01:06:00.740 --> 01:06:01.580
And so we're dealing with this issue.

1300
01:06:01.580 --> 01:06:04.860
I wanna say something super offensive right now.

1301
01:06:04.860 --> 01:06:06.900
Divorce was God's idea.

1302
01:06:06.900 --> 01:06:07.780
It was.

1303
01:06:07.780 --> 01:06:08.820
It's God's idea.

1304
01:06:08.820 --> 01:06:10.500
It just didn't come out of nowhere.

1305
01:06:10.500 --> 01:06:11.940
It was God's idea.

1306
01:06:11.940 --> 01:06:13.460
God's the one that came up with divorce

1307
01:06:13.460 --> 01:06:17.020
and he's the one that gave Moses the instructions

1308
01:06:17.020 --> 01:06:20.540
to help women get divorced back in those days.

1309
01:06:20.540 --> 01:06:21.380
You wanna know why?

1310
01:06:21.380 --> 01:06:24.300
Because God hates abuse.

1311
01:06:24.320 --> 01:06:25.680
He hates neglect.

1312
01:06:25.680 --> 01:06:27.040
He hates abandonment.

1313
01:06:27.040 --> 01:06:29.680
He hates broken promises and broken covenants.

1314
01:06:29.680 --> 01:06:31.920
And that's what was happening back in those days.

1315
01:06:31.920 --> 01:06:34.040
Men were seeing a younger, newer model

1316
01:06:34.040 --> 01:06:35.760
and they were walking out of their houses

1317
01:06:35.760 --> 01:06:36.580
because back in the day,

1318
01:06:36.580 --> 01:06:38.080
all you had to do is walk out of your house

1319
01:06:38.080 --> 01:06:40.440
and shut the door and that meant you were divorced.

1320
01:06:40.440 --> 01:06:42.640
And that woman was left in destitution

1321
01:06:42.640 --> 01:06:45.240
where she would be poor, impoverished,

1322
01:06:45.240 --> 01:06:48.420
not able to do anything except maybe prostitute herself.

1323
01:06:48.420 --> 01:06:50.320
If she had some sons to work the land,

1324
01:06:50.320 --> 01:06:51.520
then maybe she could do that.

1325
01:06:51.520 --> 01:06:52.360
But guess what?

1326
01:06:52.380 --> 01:06:55.380
If that man didn't work out with a new woman

1327
01:06:55.380 --> 01:06:57.980
or didn't whatever, didn't find whatever it was he wanted,

1328
01:06:57.980 --> 01:07:00.020
he could come back anytime he wanted to

1329
01:07:00.020 --> 01:07:02.900
and reclaim that home and that land

1330
01:07:02.900 --> 01:07:05.820
and those children and that woman for himself.

1331
01:07:06.700 --> 01:07:08.700
And that meant that when he left,

1332
01:07:08.700 --> 01:07:10.380
no one was gonna touch her at the 10 foot pole.

1333
01:07:10.380 --> 01:07:13.100
She could never ever have another partner

1334
01:07:13.100 --> 01:07:16.460
because she was still the property of some man

1335
01:07:16.460 --> 01:07:17.300
and not anymore.

1336
01:07:17.300 --> 01:07:19.120
That's what the divorce decree was for.

1337
01:07:19.120 --> 01:07:22.340
It basically was a deed saying that this woman

1338
01:07:23.200 --> 01:07:26.800
was free to move on and that man could never come back

1339
01:07:26.800 --> 01:07:29.040
and claim her as his own again.

1340
01:07:29.040 --> 01:07:32.000
And so other people were able to remarry her.

1341
01:07:33.400 --> 01:07:34.240
And so why?

1342
01:07:34.240 --> 01:07:35.600
Because God hates abuse.

1343
01:07:35.600 --> 01:07:36.760
He hates abandonment.

1344
01:07:36.760 --> 01:07:37.920
He hates neglect.

1345
01:07:37.920 --> 01:07:40.520
He didn't want women to be taken advantage of like this.

1346
01:07:40.520 --> 01:07:43.440
And you guys, it was only women

1347
01:07:43.440 --> 01:07:44.880
that that was happening to.

1348
01:07:45.920 --> 01:07:48.080
And so for those of you ladies that are here

1349
01:07:48.080 --> 01:07:49.760
in your divorce, gentlemen, you as well,

1350
01:07:49.760 --> 01:07:51.920
because I know that a lot of men have been abused as well.

1351
01:07:51.940 --> 01:07:53.940
So I'm not downplaying you at all,

1352
01:07:53.940 --> 01:07:55.860
but I just wanna tell you this.

1353
01:07:55.860 --> 01:08:00.220
God created divorce to keep you

1354
01:08:00.220 --> 01:08:01.820
from having to live a life of abuse,

1355
01:08:01.820 --> 01:08:03.060
neglect and abandonment.

1356
01:08:05.260 --> 01:08:07.660
It wasn't a divorce, it was a rescue mission.

1357
01:08:07.660 --> 01:08:08.620
And that's the bottom line.

1358
01:08:08.620 --> 01:08:10.900
And gentlemen, for those of you that were abused

1359
01:08:10.900 --> 01:08:12.960
and cheated on and all the things, same.

1360
01:08:14.060 --> 01:08:15.700
Okay, so we have to stop thinking

1361
01:08:15.700 --> 01:08:18.000
that God is this rule maker.

1362
01:08:18.000 --> 01:08:20.540
God loves his children more than he loves his rules.

1363
01:08:20.540 --> 01:08:23.319
And all of his real rules,

1364
01:08:23.319 --> 01:08:25.080
they come back to protecting us

1365
01:08:25.080 --> 01:08:27.020
and helping give us the best life

1366
01:08:27.020 --> 01:08:28.439
that we could possibly have.

1367
01:08:28.439 --> 01:08:29.399
That's what they're for.

1368
01:08:29.399 --> 01:08:32.960
They're really boundaries to keep us in the kingdom

1369
01:08:32.960 --> 01:08:35.979
and keep us from going outside the lines

1370
01:08:35.979 --> 01:08:38.240
into things that would be destructive for us.

1371
01:08:38.240 --> 01:08:39.140
Make sense?

1372
01:08:40.359 --> 01:08:41.200
So, okay.

1373
01:08:44.319 --> 01:08:45.920
You guys, I'm not just saying that because I'm divorced

1374
01:08:45.920 --> 01:08:47.760
because I was fully willing to never remarry

1375
01:08:47.760 --> 01:08:49.399
if that was the case.

1376
01:08:49.399 --> 01:08:51.700
Seriously, it's not about that.

1377
01:08:51.700 --> 01:08:53.660
It's not convenient for me to teach this.

1378
01:08:53.660 --> 01:08:55.420
I'm teaching it because it's true.

1379
01:08:55.420 --> 01:08:56.819
All right, Heidi, you're up.

1380
01:09:03.220 --> 01:09:04.060
Hi, thank you.

1381
01:09:04.060 --> 01:09:06.819
I'm so glad you're feeling better, Jackie.

1382
01:09:06.819 --> 01:09:09.020
So, I live in the Midwest

1383
01:09:09.020 --> 01:09:11.859
in the middle of smack dab rural area, I love it.

1384
01:09:11.859 --> 01:09:13.899
I travel two hours for work,

1385
01:09:13.899 --> 01:09:18.899
but my challenge has been to find

1386
01:09:19.200 --> 01:09:21.800
that nobody that I have found

1387
01:09:21.800 --> 01:09:24.600
is willing to be inconvenienced

1388
01:09:24.600 --> 01:09:28.200
within a quote, long distance.

1389
01:09:28.200 --> 01:09:29.640
I mean, people don't wanna drive across town

1390
01:09:29.640 --> 01:09:31.399
because they're inconvenienced.

1391
01:09:31.399 --> 01:09:33.600
So, the challenge and the struggle is real.

1392
01:09:34.680 --> 01:09:36.359
Anything that costs you, like David said,

1393
01:09:36.359 --> 01:09:39.479
in King's, anything that is worth having will cost.

1394
01:09:39.479 --> 01:09:42.920
But, and so, yeah, the struggle.

1395
01:09:42.920 --> 01:09:45.479
And so, I'm feeling that.

1396
01:09:45.479 --> 01:09:47.800
I did some online dating years ago

1397
01:09:47.800 --> 01:09:51.740
and I've done all the volunteer looking

1398
01:09:51.740 --> 01:09:55.620
and I'm very much a secure attachment.

1399
01:09:55.620 --> 01:10:00.620
And to find someone that is willing to journey in that.

1400
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:02.960
journey is very few and far.

1401
01:10:03.840 --> 01:10:06.520
So you're saying that it's trying to find someone

1402
01:10:06.520 --> 01:10:08.640
who wants to move out to the middle of nowhere with you?

1403
01:10:08.640 --> 01:10:09.860
No, I'm not saying to move.

1404
01:10:09.860 --> 01:10:13.860
I am absolutely willing to journey and to go that,

1405
01:10:13.860 --> 01:10:16.640
to journey into courting and to find,

1406
01:10:16.640 --> 01:10:19.520
but I have not found not very few

1407
01:10:19.520 --> 01:10:23.320
that I would be willing to date or court

1408
01:10:23.320 --> 01:10:26.920
that are willing to do an online or to do a long distance.

1409
01:10:26.920 --> 01:10:29.480
And around me, I have found no one.

1410
01:10:30.000 --> 01:10:31.760
Okay, so, okay, I hear your question now.

1411
01:10:31.760 --> 01:10:34.240
So here's the thing, you just haven't met them yet.

1412
01:10:34.240 --> 01:10:35.880
It doesn't mean they don't know this.

1413
01:10:35.880 --> 01:10:37.260
And some of the people that are here

1414
01:10:37.260 --> 01:10:38.520
that have been here for a while,

1415
01:10:38.520 --> 01:10:41.560
they have seen story after story right along with us

1416
01:10:41.560 --> 01:10:44.240
of people that were in isolated areas,

1417
01:10:44.240 --> 01:10:47.100
people that had no choice but long distance,

1418
01:10:47.100 --> 01:10:48.640
people that live in areas

1419
01:10:48.640 --> 01:10:50.480
where there's just really no other Christians,

1420
01:10:50.480 --> 01:10:52.000
like Perth, Australia, different.

1421
01:10:52.000 --> 01:10:54.340
And we've had success story after success story

1422
01:10:54.340 --> 01:10:56.400
after success story, you know,

1423
01:10:56.400 --> 01:10:58.640
people that have not just abusive,

1424
01:10:58.640 --> 01:11:01.520
but psycho former spouses.

1425
01:11:01.520 --> 01:11:03.680
And who in the world wants to get married to someone

1426
01:11:03.680 --> 01:11:05.320
who they're gonna have to deal with that person?

1427
01:11:05.320 --> 01:11:07.240
I remember this one woman, she was like,

1428
01:11:07.240 --> 01:11:08.800
no one's gonna deal with my former husband.

1429
01:11:08.800 --> 01:11:09.800
No one's gonna deal with him.

1430
01:11:09.800 --> 01:11:12.240
He's violent, he's crazy, he's this, he's that,

1431
01:11:12.240 --> 01:11:13.220
blah, blah, blah.

1432
01:11:13.220 --> 01:11:14.240
And she was a Canadian.

1433
01:11:14.240 --> 01:11:16.720
So she was like, these are the laws here, 50-50 custody.

1434
01:11:16.720 --> 01:11:18.160
It doesn't matter how abusive he is.

1435
01:11:18.160 --> 01:11:19.920
They're never gonna take custody away from him.

1436
01:11:19.920 --> 01:11:21.400
Guess what?

1437
01:11:21.400 --> 01:11:23.920
She has a love story.

1438
01:11:23.920 --> 01:11:25.320
She has a love story, he is able.

1439
01:11:25.320 --> 01:11:27.120
So I want you to just go ahead and internalize that.

1440
01:11:27.120 --> 01:11:28.320
You know, you're fairly new

1441
01:11:28.320 --> 01:11:30.320
because I don't recognize you, right?

1442
01:11:30.320 --> 01:11:32.560
And so, I mean, I've seen you maybe once before.

1443
01:11:32.560 --> 01:11:33.800
So just give it a minute.

1444
01:11:33.800 --> 01:11:36.480
I promise you that, you know,

1445
01:11:36.480 --> 01:11:38.920
whether it's long distance or God might surprise you,

1446
01:11:38.920 --> 01:11:41.080
there might be some love story right under your nose

1447
01:11:41.080 --> 01:11:42.760
and you don't even realize it.

1448
01:11:42.760 --> 01:11:44.920
New people move into areas all the time.

1449
01:11:44.920 --> 01:11:46.840
And then we can't possibly,

1450
01:11:46.840 --> 01:11:48.780
you guys, if you wanna do an activity

1451
01:11:48.780 --> 01:11:49.940
that will build your hope,

1452
01:11:49.940 --> 01:11:53.560
I want you to go Google the population

1453
01:11:53.640 --> 01:11:55.720
of the place that you live.

1454
01:11:55.720 --> 01:11:57.120
And then I want you to look at that number

1455
01:11:57.120 --> 01:11:59.440
because it's gonna be more than one, right?

1456
01:11:59.440 --> 01:12:00.600
I want you to look at that number

1457
01:12:00.600 --> 01:12:03.000
and I want you to go ahead and say out loud,

1458
01:12:03.000 --> 01:12:06.160
there's gotta be one marriage-minded,

1459
01:12:06.160 --> 01:12:07.360
if you're a woman, say there's gotta be

1460
01:12:07.360 --> 01:12:09.520
one mature marriage-minded,

1461
01:12:10.720 --> 01:12:15.440
one masculine, mature marriage-minded man in this number

1462
01:12:15.440 --> 01:12:17.960
that would be interested in me.

1463
01:12:17.960 --> 01:12:21.000
And then gentlemen, same thing, right?

1464
01:12:21.040 --> 01:12:24.520
Because you guys, the math doesn't lie, okay?

1465
01:12:24.520 --> 01:12:26.320
The odds are actually in your favor.

1466
01:12:27.280 --> 01:12:28.100
They are.

1467
01:12:29.240 --> 01:12:31.680
Yeah, talking about odds, you know-

1468
01:12:31.680 --> 01:12:33.080
We moved the next door to each other.

1469
01:12:33.080 --> 01:12:35.180
Yeah, but at the same time,

1470
01:12:35.180 --> 01:12:39.080
we've seen enough stories in this movement alone

1471
01:12:39.080 --> 01:12:40.960
that you can't deny.

1472
01:12:40.960 --> 01:12:42.040
It's like, oh, you know what?

1473
01:12:42.040 --> 01:12:43.280
Online dating doesn't work,

1474
01:12:43.280 --> 01:12:46.440
but still like a third of the people that meet

1475
01:12:46.440 --> 01:12:48.520
that actually are getting married are like meeting online.

1476
01:12:48.520 --> 01:12:51.120
I'm like, oh, okay, well then I guess that's not true.

1477
01:12:51.120 --> 01:12:53.200
And you and I figured out after we met

1478
01:12:53.200 --> 01:12:54.840
and after we fell in love and got married

1479
01:12:54.840 --> 01:12:57.200
that you and I had been ships passing in the night

1480
01:12:57.200 --> 01:12:58.680
for years. Absolutely.

1481
01:12:58.680 --> 01:12:59.800
Years, you guys.

1482
01:12:59.800 --> 01:13:03.200
We know so many people that I knew and that she knew,

1483
01:13:03.200 --> 01:13:04.400
but we just didn't know each other.

1484
01:13:04.400 --> 01:13:05.720
And we both went to charismatic

1485
01:13:05.720 --> 01:13:07.080
kind of Pentecostal type of churches-

1486
01:13:07.080 --> 01:13:07.920
For years.

1487
01:13:07.920 --> 01:13:09.600
That still had Sunday night service.

1488
01:13:09.600 --> 01:13:11.480
And after Sunday night service,

1489
01:13:11.480 --> 01:13:13.200
as we all know, good Pentecostals go out

1490
01:13:13.200 --> 01:13:15.280
and eat a bunch of fried food before they go to bed.

1491
01:13:15.280 --> 01:13:19.440
And so we have been at the same restaurants for years

1492
01:13:19.440 --> 01:13:21.920
at the same time, nine, 10 o'clock at night

1493
01:13:21.920 --> 01:13:22.760
on a Sunday night.

1494
01:13:22.760 --> 01:13:23.840
We've been at Applebee's together.

1495
01:13:23.840 --> 01:13:25.360
We've been at Cooker's together.

1496
01:13:25.360 --> 01:13:27.680
We've been at those places together

1497
01:13:27.680 --> 01:13:29.760
on the same side of town, same restaurants.

1498
01:13:29.760 --> 01:13:31.600
I would go into those places and see,

1499
01:13:31.600 --> 01:13:33.880
and we'd be like, those are all the World Harvest people.

1500
01:13:33.880 --> 01:13:36.880
I remember saying that to the people that I was with,

1501
01:13:36.880 --> 01:13:38.200
and he was one of them.

1502
01:13:38.200 --> 01:13:42.480
And the thing about it is we do not have any recollection

1503
01:13:42.480 --> 01:13:43.960
of ever meeting each other.

1504
01:13:44.160 --> 01:13:45.840
I can't say like, oh, I saw you one time.

1505
01:13:45.840 --> 01:13:46.680
Like, no.

1506
01:13:46.680 --> 01:13:48.600
No, and it's good that we didn't.

1507
01:13:48.600 --> 01:13:50.800
We were married to other people.

1508
01:13:50.800 --> 01:13:51.640
Well, yeah.

1509
01:13:51.640 --> 01:13:54.280
And so of course, but I'm just saying that you never know.

1510
01:13:54.280 --> 01:13:55.920
The love story that God has for you

1511
01:13:55.920 --> 01:13:58.400
could be someone who's just right under your nose

1512
01:13:58.400 --> 01:14:00.760
or someone that you've known in the past.

1513
01:14:00.760 --> 01:14:02.760
A love story came in the other day

1514
01:14:02.760 --> 01:14:06.200
of a guy looked her up on Facebook

1515
01:14:06.200 --> 01:14:09.000
that went to elementary school with her.

1516
01:14:09.000 --> 01:14:10.920
And she didn't really know him that well,

1517
01:14:10.920 --> 01:14:12.680
wasn't friends with him necessarily,

1518
01:14:12.680 --> 01:14:16.760
but looked her up and they got married, right?

1519
01:14:16.760 --> 01:14:18.840
And so you never know what might happen, friends.

1520
01:14:18.840 --> 01:14:20.160
You just gotta be open.

1521
01:14:20.160 --> 01:14:25.160
All right, so girl, you know I can't say your name,

1522
01:14:25.240 --> 01:14:26.200
so just help me.

1523
01:14:27.280 --> 01:14:28.480
You're good at that.

1524
01:14:28.480 --> 01:14:29.720
How do you sound it out?

1525
01:14:29.720 --> 01:14:31.120
That's fine.

1526
01:14:31.120 --> 01:14:32.360
Wait, wait, let David try.

1527
01:14:32.360 --> 01:14:36.400
Aluwa Basalami.

1528
01:14:36.400 --> 01:14:37.240
Yeah.

1529
01:14:39.160 --> 01:14:41.080
I can't sound anything out to save my life,

1530
01:14:41.160 --> 01:14:43.440
but he's so good at it.

1531
01:14:45.440 --> 01:14:47.400
All right, what do you got?

1532
01:14:47.400 --> 01:14:49.040
Yes, I'd like to ask,

1533
01:14:51.840 --> 01:14:54.920
how do I place an healthy boundary

1534
01:14:54.920 --> 01:14:58.320
between myself and a guy who, as shown,

1535
01:14:59.240 --> 01:15:00.280
it wants to be more.

1536
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:02.440
more than friends with me.

1537
01:15:02.440 --> 01:15:05.440
But I told him that I would be comfortable

1538
01:15:05.440 --> 01:15:07.240
to being just friends right now

1539
01:15:07.240 --> 01:15:12.240
and using endearing words, speaking to me.

1540
01:15:12.640 --> 01:15:15.360
So how do I like politely tell him

1541
01:15:15.360 --> 01:15:18.480
that I do not appreciate that and I can't.

1542
01:15:18.480 --> 01:15:22.640
Okay, so you're in kind of a friendship relationship.

1543
01:15:22.640 --> 01:15:23.600
He wants more.

1544
01:15:23.600 --> 01:15:25.480
You told him, no, I only want friends.

1545
01:15:25.480 --> 01:15:27.520
And now he's trying to kind of like woo you.

1546
01:15:27.520 --> 01:15:28.760
Is that what you're saying?

1547
01:15:28.800 --> 01:15:30.600
Yeah, I feel like we just met.

1548
01:15:30.600 --> 01:15:32.000
Yeah, so we just met.

1549
01:15:32.000 --> 01:15:34.080
And yeah, I don't think I know him so well

1550
01:15:34.080 --> 01:15:37.360
to like be in a relationship, so to say.

1551
01:15:37.360 --> 01:15:38.600
And you made that clear, right?

1552
01:15:38.600 --> 01:15:40.480
You're like, hey, put the brakes on.

1553
01:15:40.480 --> 01:15:42.000
I just wanna get to know you right now.

1554
01:15:42.000 --> 01:15:43.200
You made that clear?

1555
01:15:43.200 --> 01:15:44.320
Yeah.

1556
01:15:44.320 --> 01:15:46.680
Okay, so what we have here is someone

1557
01:15:46.680 --> 01:15:49.480
who doesn't respect other people's boundaries.

1558
01:15:49.480 --> 01:15:51.680
So gentlemen and ladies, listen up.

1559
01:15:51.680 --> 01:15:54.160
But guys, even more, if you like a woman,

1560
01:15:54.160 --> 01:15:57.960
you're attracted to a woman and she kind of pulls back

1561
01:15:57.960 --> 01:15:59.720
or maybe friend zones you a little bit

1562
01:15:59.720 --> 01:16:03.680
or isn't enthusiastic about taking it to the next level,

1563
01:16:03.680 --> 01:16:05.920
that is not code for try harder.

1564
01:16:05.920 --> 01:16:06.760
Yeah.

1565
01:16:06.760 --> 01:16:07.600
It's not code for try harder

1566
01:16:07.600 --> 01:16:09.000
because what that looks like is now

1567
01:16:09.000 --> 01:16:11.840
you are walking all over someone's no.

1568
01:16:11.840 --> 01:16:13.560
Someone has said no to you

1569
01:16:13.560 --> 01:16:15.760
and you're not listening to that no, right?

1570
01:16:15.760 --> 01:16:18.280
And that should be a turnoff.

1571
01:16:18.280 --> 01:16:21.840
Now, some people are like, oh, that's so romantic.

1572
01:16:21.840 --> 01:16:22.680
What?

1573
01:16:22.680 --> 01:16:24.080
That's not romantic.

1574
01:16:24.080 --> 01:16:26.720
And I know that we hear all kinds of love songs

1575
01:16:26.720 --> 01:16:28.080
and we watch all kinds of movies

1576
01:16:28.080 --> 01:16:30.760
that have these themes, right?

1577
01:16:30.760 --> 01:16:32.880
They have these tropes, so to speak,

1578
01:16:32.880 --> 01:16:35.920
and it seems like it is romantic, but it's not.

1579
01:16:35.920 --> 01:16:37.480
And that's what's wrong with us.

1580
01:16:37.480 --> 01:16:41.960
We have all this dysfunctional romantic fodder in our fire

1581
01:16:41.960 --> 01:16:43.560
and we don't want that anymore.

1582
01:16:43.560 --> 01:16:46.240
And so what I would do is I would just let them know,

1583
01:16:46.240 --> 01:16:49.160
hey, if you can't respect my boundary here

1584
01:16:49.160 --> 01:16:50.360
for us to just be friends

1585
01:16:50.360 --> 01:16:52.040
because we barely know each other

1586
01:16:52.040 --> 01:16:54.120
and not be calling me dear or sweetie

1587
01:16:54.120 --> 01:16:55.720
or telling me I'm beautiful or whatever,

1588
01:16:55.720 --> 01:16:57.480
then we're not gonna talk anymore.

1589
01:16:59.040 --> 01:17:00.560
Thank you.

1590
01:17:00.560 --> 01:17:01.400
Yeah.

1591
01:17:01.400 --> 01:17:02.640
And then go get a big gun.

1592
01:17:02.640 --> 01:17:03.480
No, stop.

1593
01:17:03.480 --> 01:17:04.520
And show him.

1594
01:17:04.520 --> 01:17:06.400
This is why he's not allowed to be here.

1595
01:17:06.400 --> 01:17:07.240
Okay.

1596
01:17:07.240 --> 01:17:09.120
I like guns, by the way, so.

1597
01:17:09.120 --> 01:17:09.960
Oh, there you go.

1598
01:17:09.960 --> 01:17:10.800
Okay, good.

1599
01:17:10.800 --> 01:17:12.000
All right, I wanna, guys, we have to,

1600
01:17:12.000 --> 01:17:13.520
I wanna popcorn through these, okay?

1601
01:17:13.520 --> 01:17:15.360
So next, Crystal.

1602
01:17:16.280 --> 01:17:18.680
Yes, it is so fun having David on tonight.

1603
01:17:18.680 --> 01:17:19.520
I agree.

1604
01:17:19.520 --> 01:17:23.440
Look at, he got so much sun and he was barely outside.

1605
01:17:23.440 --> 01:17:24.280
Crystal.

1606
01:17:25.000 --> 01:17:26.880
Yeah, you got a little sunburn, baby.

1607
01:17:30.200 --> 01:17:31.040
Who's next?

1608
01:17:31.040 --> 01:17:32.560
Crystal Sempters.

1609
01:17:32.560 --> 01:17:33.720
Gotta unmute yourself.

1610
01:17:41.920 --> 01:17:43.040
Hey, Jackie.

1611
01:17:43.040 --> 01:17:45.600
Sorry, I just realized.

1612
01:17:45.600 --> 01:17:48.400
You did, but Renee was responding to me,

1613
01:17:48.400 --> 01:17:53.240
but I've been in phase two for about three weeks now

1614
01:17:53.240 --> 01:17:57.000
and I haven't gotten any dates.

1615
01:17:57.000 --> 01:17:58.760
I've chatted with several guys.

1616
01:17:58.760 --> 01:18:03.640
I'm on Facebook, dating, and Bumble.

1617
01:18:03.640 --> 01:18:05.720
So it's a little discouraging,

1618
01:18:05.720 --> 01:18:09.760
but I'm trying to tell myself that, you know,

1619
01:18:09.760 --> 01:18:11.000
it's not my spirit mate.

1620
01:18:11.000 --> 01:18:15.560
It's not God's will if I haven't had a date yet.

1621
01:18:15.560 --> 01:18:18.280
So just struggling a little.

1622
01:18:19.320 --> 01:18:20.640
All right, well, let me tell you what to do.

1623
01:18:20.640 --> 01:18:21.480
And if this is for everyone,

1624
01:18:21.480 --> 01:18:23.000
this is a good question, Crystal.

1625
01:18:23.760 --> 01:18:24.600
Sorry, it's raining really hard.

1626
01:18:24.600 --> 01:18:25.760
So I'm gonna talk really loud.

1627
01:18:27.520 --> 01:18:28.640
This is for everybody.

1628
01:18:28.640 --> 01:18:31.720
And this is with everything in your life, okay?

1629
01:18:31.720 --> 01:18:33.680
And I used to do this when I was younger

1630
01:18:33.680 --> 01:18:35.320
in different areas of my life.

1631
01:18:35.320 --> 01:18:38.240
But if you're pushing and pushing and pushing

1632
01:18:38.240 --> 01:18:41.040
against something and it's not giving,

1633
01:18:41.040 --> 01:18:43.640
then it's best to take your hands off that

1634
01:18:43.640 --> 01:18:46.480
and go do something else for a while, okay?

1635
01:18:46.480 --> 01:18:48.600
And I don't mean leave the community and, you know,

1636
01:18:48.600 --> 01:18:49.600
go off the apps.

1637
01:18:49.640 --> 01:18:51.480
All I mean is, is that a watch pot

1638
01:18:51.480 --> 01:18:53.320
doesn't always boil, right?

1639
01:18:53.320 --> 01:18:55.000
It's important that we understand that

1640
01:18:55.000 --> 01:18:59.400
if something's not flowing, that's okay.

1641
01:18:59.400 --> 01:19:01.480
We don't have to sit there and just, you know,

1642
01:19:01.480 --> 01:19:06.480
strive and lose our peace and drive ourselves nuts

1643
01:19:06.520 --> 01:19:07.960
wondering why.

1644
01:19:07.960 --> 01:19:11.200
We can just go work on something else.

1645
01:19:11.200 --> 01:19:13.160
Do something else that brings us joy.

1646
01:19:13.160 --> 01:19:16.040
Do something else that we enjoy, right?

1647
01:19:16.040 --> 01:19:18.320
And so that would be what I wanna tell you to do.

1648
01:19:18.320 --> 01:19:21.440
So if the app's not working for you right now,

1649
01:19:21.440 --> 01:19:22.480
where do you live at?

1650
01:19:24.800 --> 01:19:26.840
Crystal, where do you live?

1651
01:19:26.840 --> 01:19:28.480
I'm in Kentucky.

1652
01:19:28.480 --> 01:19:29.880
Okay, so-

1653
01:19:29.880 --> 01:19:32.120
And so it's so spontaneous,

1654
01:19:32.120 --> 01:19:34.280
like I won't have any responses

1655
01:19:34.280 --> 01:19:37.280
and then the next day I'll have like, you know,

1656
01:19:37.280 --> 01:19:39.760
five or six people that'll respond.

1657
01:19:39.760 --> 01:19:42.680
So I think-

1658
01:19:42.680 --> 01:19:44.880
It is raining here, you guys.

1659
01:19:44.880 --> 01:19:47.800
So what I was gonna say is Kentucky is already warm out.

1660
01:19:48.320 --> 01:19:49.160
It's warm in Kentucky.

1661
01:19:49.160 --> 01:19:51.040
And so get outside, you know,

1662
01:19:51.040 --> 01:19:53.960
go find some groups to hang out with and do things with,

1663
01:19:53.960 --> 01:19:56.160
you know, go do something that you enjoy

1664
01:19:56.160 --> 01:19:59.120
that other people enjoy that might be single as well.

1665
01:19:59.120 --> 01:19:59.960
You guys change.

1666
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:04.320
it up, don't be afraid to change it up. It's okay to be on the apps in the

1667
01:20:04.320 --> 01:20:07.360
wintertime when there's no one outside and no one's doing anything, but we're

1668
01:20:07.360 --> 01:20:11.760
shifting seasons now. And it's important for you to get out there and meet people

1669
01:20:11.760 --> 01:20:16.760
in person. Get a wing woman, get a wing man, go out, have fun, meet people in

1670
01:20:16.760 --> 01:20:21.160
real time and in person. Okay? Find events in your area that other singles

1671
01:20:21.160 --> 01:20:27.200
might be at other Christian singles might be at. Find things to do. And, and

1672
01:20:27.200 --> 01:20:31.640
see if you meet people organically that way as well. And remember, enjoy your

1673
01:20:31.640 --> 01:20:36.280
one and only life. Don't start fretting and getting upset about something. Just

1674
01:20:36.280 --> 01:20:41.520
understand that it is going to happen and you're doing your part. But if you

1675
01:20:41.520 --> 01:20:45.840
didn't see crystal, what I, what I said the other night, um, on supernatural on

1676
01:20:45.840 --> 01:20:50.720
Sunday night, on Sunday night activation, um, your love story is supernatural. And

1677
01:20:50.720 --> 01:20:55.920
so yes, you do your part, but God also has to do his part. Okay. All right. So

1678
01:20:56.760 --> 01:21:00.480
be encouraged. Okay. Jackie Perry, you guys are going to have to go quick here.

1679
01:21:01.120 --> 01:21:01.480
Yes.

1680
01:21:03.480 --> 01:21:10.920
Okay. So I have four kids, um, 14, 11 or 14, 12, nine and four. And so my question

1681
01:21:10.920 --> 01:21:16.000
is, um, I'm a homeschooling, stay at home mom. That's my job. So when guys ask,

1682
01:21:16.040 --> 01:21:21.960
I'm like at the gym or whatever else, what do you do or on apps? Um, I, it's

1683
01:21:21.960 --> 01:21:26.680
hard for me to answer that because yeah. And then my other part of that question

1684
01:21:26.680 --> 01:21:33.160
is on the dating apps. Do I put down that I have for kids? How are you

1685
01:21:33.160 --> 01:21:36.320
financially able to stay home with your kids and homeschool them because of

1686
01:21:36.440 --> 01:21:41.200
former husband's money? Um, well, I have some child support and alimony coming

1687
01:21:41.200 --> 01:21:44.920
in, but then I also work at my homeschooling tutorial one day a week.

1688
01:21:45.360 --> 01:21:51.920
So, um, what does that mean? So it's a, it's a homeschooling tutorial and I

1689
01:21:52.560 --> 01:21:55.920
teach seventh grade one day a week and I get a thousand dollars per student.

1690
01:21:56.360 --> 01:22:00.480
So you're, you're a teacher and that's what you call yourself when people ask

1691
01:22:00.480 --> 01:22:04.680
what you do. That's what I was trying to get after you're a teacher. So you're a

1692
01:22:04.680 --> 01:22:08.200
teacher, whether you're teaching your students, you're teaching your own kids,

1693
01:22:08.200 --> 01:22:11.440
you're a teacher, that's what you do. And you've made a living at it. And so now

1694
01:22:11.440 --> 01:22:14.600
you're a teacher. So if someone asks what you do, you say, I'm a co-op teacher.

1695
01:22:14.600 --> 01:22:15.440
That's what I do.

1696
01:22:16.320 --> 01:22:22.080
Okay. And then on the dating apps, do I put that? I have four kids because I just

1697
01:22:22.080 --> 01:22:26.680
put on a mom, but then as soon as they start talking and ask how many kids do

1698
01:22:26.680 --> 01:22:27.520
you, it's like,

1699
01:22:28.800 --> 01:22:32.840
controversial and people don't like my answer, but here's the thing. I don't

1700
01:22:32.840 --> 01:22:36.680
want to, I don't want you guys to put a lot of stuff about your children on apps.

1701
01:22:36.960 --> 01:22:40.680
These are complete strangers that are on apps. And I know that this sounds bad

1702
01:22:40.680 --> 01:22:43.400
and I'm not trying to make you scared, but there are people that are trolling

1703
01:22:43.440 --> 01:22:47.200
apps for people who have children. Okay. And so I don't think that it's

1704
01:22:47.200 --> 01:22:51.200
important for you to put a bunch of information about your kids until you

1705
01:22:51.200 --> 01:22:55.160
get to know this person. And you know that they basically deserve that level

1706
01:22:55.160 --> 01:22:56.560
of information about your family.

1707
01:22:56.600 --> 01:23:00.440
Yeah, that's good advice because just being a mom says that you have kids

1708
01:23:00.440 --> 01:23:03.320
doesn't matter where you have one or four kids. You're a mom for sure.

1709
01:23:03.320 --> 01:23:07.600
Yeah. So you don't have to say anything more about it. And once again, as you're

1710
01:23:07.600 --> 01:23:11.320
getting to know that person, you know, get to know them before you talk about

1711
01:23:11.320 --> 01:23:14.880
your children and their ages and all the things, you know, you don't have to

1712
01:23:14.880 --> 01:23:19.200
go into depth about your kids until you know this safe person that you want to

1713
01:23:19.200 --> 01:23:20.880
have information about your family.

1714
01:23:20.920 --> 01:23:22.520
Yeah, they should be wanting to know you.

1715
01:23:22.680 --> 01:23:28.680
Yeah. Okay. Thank you. You're welcome. Okay. Evangeline.

1716
01:23:30.840 --> 01:23:39.000
Hey, Jackie. Glad you're feeling better. Um, yeah. So some context two years ago,

1717
01:23:39.000 --> 01:23:43.920
I liked this guy. And I pretty much told him that, like, hey, I like you. And for

1718
01:23:43.920 --> 01:23:49.400
additional context, we were friends. And after I told him, he was like, yeah, like,

1719
01:23:49.400 --> 01:23:56.200
let's give it a chance. So we went out for a date. And I think my anxious

1720
01:23:56.200 --> 01:24:00.480
attachment style and that season like really got to me. So after that one day, I

1721
01:24:00.480 --> 01:24:06.840
was like, I want on DTR, like, I want to be exclusive. And I think that scared him

1722
01:24:06.880 --> 01:24:11.000
away. So he was like, Oh, no, like, I'm just interested as a friend. Like, let's

1723
01:24:11.000 --> 01:24:17.240
just be friends. So that was two years ago. And then this past weekend, him and

1724
01:24:17.240 --> 01:24:25.880
another friend came over, we had like dinner. And he came over, and then he like

1725
01:24:25.920 --> 01:24:29.840
said some things he was like, Oh, like evangeline, like you've changed, you feel

1726
01:24:29.840 --> 01:24:36.480
more present. And to give additional context, like he started sharing some

1727
01:24:36.480 --> 01:24:42.280
stuff with that's going on his life to me and my other friend Christine. And

1728
01:24:42.320 --> 01:24:47.640
after he left my place, he called me back by didn't pick up. He called me

1729
01:24:47.640 --> 01:24:55.600
around 12. And he he just basically texted he was like, did I was I being too

1730
01:24:55.600 --> 01:24:59.880
real? Like, was that too much? And I was like, No, like, I'm glad you were able to

1731
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:05.820
up to your friend and what I'm debating right now is I'm in a group chat with

1732
01:25:05.820 --> 01:25:12.440
him and Christine and they're like oh we should go get sushi on Friday and this

1733
01:25:12.440 --> 01:25:16.800
was one of the place that like I had originally wanted to go two years ago

1734
01:25:16.800 --> 01:25:23.040
with him and I think for me I'm a little bit even like hesitant to engage in

1735
01:25:23.040 --> 01:25:32.680
friendship because I do know that like previous feelings my surface and I so

1736
01:25:32.680 --> 01:25:36.680
let me get this straight you're the one that pulled away and kind of like made

1737
01:25:36.680 --> 01:25:43.680
it friends right no no no he pulled away okay and so now he's trying to re like

1738
01:25:43.680 --> 01:25:47.560
oh you change you seem more present now you're in a group app and now you're

1739
01:25:47.560 --> 01:25:51.680
going to go on a group date it's a group date right it's a good date yeah okay

1740
01:25:51.680 --> 01:25:56.320
so a place that you she went to a place that you were kind of fantasizing about

1741
01:25:56.320 --> 01:26:02.360
going on a date date yes yes all right we got it we're caught up so the movie

1742
01:26:02.360 --> 01:26:09.120
script who's the other girl she's single too the girl is single but we all know

1743
01:26:09.120 --> 01:26:17.520
who she likes thanks Mike him no no not him okay then then it's safe so he's

1744
01:26:17.520 --> 01:26:23.200
definitely did he invite both of you to go yeah okay so what he's doing is he's

1745
01:26:23.200 --> 01:26:29.920
giving himself a buffer right did he know yeah I used to like him he he did

1746
01:26:29.920 --> 01:26:35.160
he did okay so he's got because we went out we went on a date right so he's

1747
01:26:35.160 --> 01:26:40.040
buffered so he's buffering so that you know doesn't send the wrong message so

1748
01:26:40.040 --> 01:26:44.160
after this group date I would go on the group date okay and be yourself and have

1749
01:26:44.160 --> 01:26:48.280
fun and show him this present version of yourself that he seems to think that

1750
01:26:48.280 --> 01:26:53.040
you're so different now and then after he gets that buffer date if he feels

1751
01:26:53.040 --> 01:26:58.160
comfortable he'll ask you out like as you know a one-on-one and if he doesn't

1752
01:26:58.160 --> 01:27:02.880
then you can just move on right just put him in your little friend corner and

1753
01:27:02.880 --> 01:27:08.800
just move on but he definitely is buffered all right Thank You Jackie okay

1754
01:27:08.800 --> 01:27:14.160
so and I have someone I want to introduce you to so keep your dance card

1755
01:27:14.160 --> 01:27:18.600
open all right I didn't met of Angeline in San Francisco at an event that I

1756
01:27:18.600 --> 01:27:22.800
spoke at matchmaker event and super fun right so we're gonna popcorn here Kim

1757
01:27:22.800 --> 01:27:28.960
and then Mary and then Lydia and then Sarah and then done I've got to go fast

1758
01:27:28.960 --> 01:27:32.480
so you guys know backstory just the question okay we'll figure out the best

1759
01:27:32.480 --> 01:27:38.560
how do you know how do you know if they just want to be pen pals or want

1760
01:27:38.560 --> 01:27:42.800
something serious so if they're just constantly like hey how are you how is

1761
01:27:42.800 --> 01:27:47.280
your day hey how are you you know it's talking about that no I mean we met up

1762
01:27:47.280 --> 01:27:54.520
once he's been busy since then every weekend but he's messaging me every day

1763
01:27:54.520 --> 01:28:01.920
like every couple hours every day is it local or what an hour away okay well it

1764
01:28:01.920 --> 01:28:06.800
sounds like he definitely likes your presence in his life and you met up once

1765
01:28:06.800 --> 01:28:11.840
how long have you been talking every single day like two and a half weeks

1766
01:28:11.840 --> 01:28:17.320
okay so I think it's fair for you to say hey you know what's going on here it's

1767
01:28:17.320 --> 01:28:21.760
fair for you just to say hey you know we had if you did have fun hanging out that

1768
01:28:21.760 --> 01:28:26.960
one time say hey I had a good time when we hung out you know I enjoy you know I

1769
01:28:26.960 --> 01:28:31.440
enjoy talking you communicating with you but like where do you see this going he

1770
01:28:31.440 --> 01:28:35.040
wanted he wanted an answer like right that day do you want to see me again you

1771
01:28:35.040 --> 01:28:38.600
know and I'm like I don't know like I have to process this and think about it

1772
01:28:38.600 --> 01:28:42.960
you know oh then we've been messaging so then I put it out there you know how

1773
01:28:42.960 --> 01:28:45.880
about seeing each other this weekend he's like oh I promised my son I'd help

1774
01:28:45.880 --> 01:28:50.640
him put a porch on or whatever you know so it's like and then the one day that

1775
01:28:50.640 --> 01:28:53.840
we had lunch he's like something about his son he said he started to say he

1776
01:28:53.840 --> 01:28:59.040
split like in 45 minutes of us we ate lunch and that was that he said

1777
01:28:59.040 --> 01:29:02.040
something about his son like I don't know if he had to run to do something

1778
01:29:02.040 --> 01:29:05.520
with his son then okay so it kind of goes back to the kids thing too I don't know

1779
01:29:05.520 --> 01:29:10.280
how much well you're never gonna son is gonna be an issue well you're never

1780
01:29:10.280 --> 01:29:13.240
gonna know until you get to know him and it sounds like you were the person that

1781
01:29:13.240 --> 01:29:18.440
wasn't sure at first and so now you kind of just you know now you got to put it

1782
01:29:18.440 --> 01:29:22.200
out there because if after talking to him you are and you're not just bored

1783
01:29:22.200 --> 01:29:26.920
and like okay I'll pick this guy so if you really do want to get to know him

1784
01:29:26.920 --> 01:29:29.600
better then you need to make that clear hey I'd like to get to know you better

1785
01:29:29.600 --> 01:29:33.200
in order to do that we would need to spend more time with each other are you

1786
01:29:33.200 --> 01:29:39.320
interested in that well and only do it if you really want it and not because

1787
01:29:39.320 --> 01:29:42.640
you're not just because there's nobody else right now so make sure that you

1788
01:29:42.640 --> 01:29:46.240
really want to do that all right Mary what do you like still on the fence

1789
01:29:46.240 --> 01:29:50.560
about it because I want to be I want to see him in person again you know well

1790
01:29:50.560 --> 01:29:53.720
that's the thing that's what I'm saying is you're gonna say to him hey you know

1791
01:29:53.720 --> 01:29:57.640
we spend more time together if we're going to know each other right right

1792
01:29:57.640 --> 01:30:02.280
great awesome thanks Kim

1793
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:01.760
Mary, what do you have?

1794
01:30:01.760 --> 01:30:03.680
Okay, in the most recent situation,

1795
01:30:03.680 --> 01:30:06.720
I feel like I sabotaged it because I wasn't,

1796
01:30:06.720 --> 01:30:08.920
I didn't feel peace about talking to somebody

1797
01:30:08.920 --> 01:30:11.520
who was in the middle of the whole divorce thing

1798
01:30:11.520 --> 01:30:12.720
because the counsel that I got

1799
01:30:12.720 --> 01:30:14.960
was that it would be adultery

1800
01:30:14.960 --> 01:30:17.360
and that as Christians, we're supposed to follow the law

1801
01:30:17.360 --> 01:30:18.640
and that's what I was told.

1802
01:30:18.640 --> 01:30:20.560
So like, I have a really hard time,

1803
01:30:20.560 --> 01:30:23.080
like, do you have advice for someone who's,

1804
01:30:23.080 --> 01:30:25.320
I mean, because like, I'm really into the Bible,

1805
01:30:25.320 --> 01:30:26.760
obviously a lot of us are.

1806
01:30:26.760 --> 01:30:29.760
So like, it's kind of hard to reconcile.

1807
01:30:30.240 --> 01:30:33.080
But you're into your version of the Bible, all right?

1808
01:30:33.080 --> 01:30:34.520
You're into your version of the Bible.

1809
01:30:34.520 --> 01:30:36.000
Y'all, you can read the Bible

1810
01:30:36.000 --> 01:30:37.960
and you can make it mean whatever you want it to mean,

1811
01:30:37.960 --> 01:30:39.800
but it doesn't mean that it means that.

1812
01:30:39.800 --> 01:30:42.400
It's really important that we understand that, okay?

1813
01:30:42.400 --> 01:30:45.800
And so, Mary, you keep getting in your own way

1814
01:30:45.800 --> 01:30:49.280
with whoever you're around that gives you religious advice.

1815
01:30:49.280 --> 01:30:52.040
Do I think that we should talk to everyone

1816
01:30:52.040 --> 01:30:54.080
who doesn't have a piece of paper

1817
01:30:54.080 --> 01:30:57.480
from the United States government that says they're divorced?

1818
01:30:57.480 --> 01:30:58.880
Is that God's piece of paper?

1819
01:30:58.880 --> 01:31:01.560
No, and God doesn't say anything about that in his word.

1820
01:31:01.560 --> 01:31:04.600
Once again, contracts, covenants, covenants are broken

1821
01:31:04.600 --> 01:31:05.600
when there's abuse.

1822
01:31:05.600 --> 01:31:07.480
Covenants are broken when there's abandonment,

1823
01:31:07.480 --> 01:31:08.800
when there's adultery.

1824
01:31:08.800 --> 01:31:10.280
Covenants are broken.

1825
01:31:10.280 --> 01:31:12.880
That person may not be divorced by the United States,

1826
01:31:12.880 --> 01:31:15.120
but they are divorced, okay?

1827
01:31:15.120 --> 01:31:19.280
And so the only danger with being in a relationship

1828
01:31:19.280 --> 01:31:22.800
with someone that is separated

1829
01:31:22.800 --> 01:31:25.800
is that they may get back together with their former spouse.

1830
01:31:25.800 --> 01:31:27.720
There might be reconciliation, and guess what?

1831
01:31:27.720 --> 01:31:28.600
You're in the way of it.

1832
01:31:29.320 --> 01:31:31.640
Or they haven't done any work yet,

1833
01:31:31.640 --> 01:31:33.040
and you're a massive rebound.

1834
01:31:33.040 --> 01:31:34.840
They're trying again with no new healing

1835
01:31:34.840 --> 01:31:37.920
and no new information, and so those are all scenarios

1836
01:31:37.920 --> 01:31:41.240
in which we wouldn't even want to talk to someone

1837
01:31:41.240 --> 01:31:43.920
who is going through a process like that.

1838
01:31:43.920 --> 01:31:46.240
I can tell you right now that David and I

1839
01:31:46.240 --> 01:31:48.960
helped each other at the very end of our processes.

1840
01:31:48.960 --> 01:31:50.400
We helped each other with our children.

1841
01:31:50.400 --> 01:31:53.200
We helped each other with a lot of different things.

1842
01:31:53.200 --> 01:31:56.240
God really, you know, he healed a lot of things

1843
01:31:56.280 --> 01:31:59.600
in our lives and in our past through each other,

1844
01:31:59.600 --> 01:32:02.040
and I'm very thankful that we met each other

1845
01:32:02.040 --> 01:32:03.480
at the time that we met each other,

1846
01:32:03.480 --> 01:32:05.960
because I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt, y'all,

1847
01:32:05.960 --> 01:32:07.680
that had I not met David,

1848
01:32:07.680 --> 01:32:10.160
I was right about to get out of my apartment lease.

1849
01:32:10.160 --> 01:32:11.720
It was over, and I was about to move

1850
01:32:11.720 --> 01:32:13.040
because I really couldn't afford to live there

1851
01:32:13.040 --> 01:32:13.880
as a single mom.

1852
01:32:13.880 --> 01:32:14.720
It was expensive.

1853
01:32:14.720 --> 01:32:15.560
It was like a townhouse.

1854
01:32:15.560 --> 01:32:18.760
It was $2,100 a month, and that was a lot of money back then,

1855
01:32:18.760 --> 01:32:20.040
and I didn't.

1856
01:32:20.040 --> 01:32:22.040
I re-signed it, and I was like,

1857
01:32:22.040 --> 01:32:24.360
God, you're just gonna have to help me pay it.

1858
01:32:24.360 --> 01:32:26.520
A month later, David moved in next door,

1859
01:32:26.520 --> 01:32:29.560
and then, of course, four months helping each other,

1860
01:32:29.560 --> 01:32:33.280
co-parenting, carpooling, and then dating each other,

1861
01:32:33.280 --> 01:32:35.160
and then getting married.

1862
01:32:35.160 --> 01:32:38.280
I will tell you, had it not been for him moving in next door

1863
01:32:38.280 --> 01:32:40.160
I may have actually gotten back together

1864
01:32:40.160 --> 01:32:43.360
with my former husband for like a few more years.

1865
01:32:43.360 --> 01:32:44.200
For another round.

1866
01:32:44.200 --> 01:32:45.720
For another round of crazy.

1867
01:32:45.720 --> 01:32:47.320
I actually may have done that,

1868
01:32:47.320 --> 01:32:50.040
because I was so manipulated by religion back then.

1869
01:32:50.040 --> 01:32:52.400
I was so manipulated by the people that were like,

1870
01:32:52.400 --> 01:32:53.920
doesn't matter how abusive it is,

1871
01:32:53.920 --> 01:32:55.080
you gotta stay in this marriage,

1872
01:32:55.080 --> 01:32:57.240
because that's what God would want, right?

1873
01:32:57.240 --> 01:32:59.720
I almost lost my life several times in that marriage,

1874
01:32:59.720 --> 01:33:01.920
and I know that God sent this man,

1875
01:33:01.920 --> 01:33:04.360
you know, not to talk me out of getting back together,

1876
01:33:04.360 --> 01:33:07.360
but so that I didn't try to jump back into something

1877
01:33:07.360 --> 01:33:09.120
because of spiritual manipulation.

1878
01:33:09.120 --> 01:33:09.960
Let me say this.

1879
01:33:09.960 --> 01:33:12.080
One thing, you know, when you go to,

1880
01:33:12.080 --> 01:33:15.480
because I did go to marriage counseling several times.

1881
01:33:15.480 --> 01:33:16.680
Me too.

1882
01:33:16.680 --> 01:33:20.160
You did too, but one of the things that they say first,

1883
01:33:20.160 --> 01:33:23.440
up front, marriage counselor, a good counselor,

1884
01:33:23.960 --> 01:33:25.080
will always say,

1885
01:33:25.080 --> 01:33:27.800
hey, do you guys want to work on this relation,

1886
01:33:27.800 --> 01:33:29.800
your marriage that you're having trouble with,

1887
01:33:29.800 --> 01:33:31.800
go for it, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

1888
01:33:31.800 --> 01:33:36.080
And the answer had better be from both persons, yes.

1889
01:33:36.080 --> 01:33:39.120
Because the counselor can do no good

1890
01:33:39.120 --> 01:33:41.360
if one or both of the people

1891
01:33:41.360 --> 01:33:43.840
do not want to work on the relationship.

1892
01:33:43.840 --> 01:33:44.960
I mean, it's just like,

1893
01:33:44.960 --> 01:33:46.960
point, like we could spend money and time

1894
01:33:46.960 --> 01:33:47.800
and sit here and talk,

1895
01:33:47.800 --> 01:33:49.800
but if one of you or both of you

1896
01:33:49.800 --> 01:33:52.400
aren't interested in reconciliation,

1897
01:33:52.480 --> 01:33:56.400
in what you've come to have counseling about,

1898
01:33:56.400 --> 01:33:58.280
like it makes no sense.

1899
01:33:58.280 --> 01:34:02.160
So like, I don't know why I said that,

1900
01:34:02.160 --> 01:34:03.200
but it just seemed like it made sense.

1901
01:34:03.200 --> 01:34:04.080
No, yeah, it makes sense.

1902
01:34:04.080 --> 01:34:06.480
Someone's asking about the single city events.

1903
01:34:06.480 --> 01:34:08.160
So you guys, when the app is up,

1904
01:34:08.160 --> 01:34:10.000
all the single cities are going to be listed there.

1905
01:34:10.000 --> 01:34:11.160
Right now they're on Facebook,

1906
01:34:11.160 --> 01:34:13.520
so you can search for the one in your area.

1907
01:34:13.520 --> 01:34:15.160
There might not be one in your area,

1908
01:34:15.160 --> 01:34:18.280
but also in your guide section,

1909
01:34:18.280 --> 01:34:19.440
is that where it is still, Cheryl?

1910
01:34:19.440 --> 01:34:21.120
There should be a list of them and links

1911
01:34:21.120 --> 01:34:24.200
where you can just click and join in phase three.

1912
01:34:24.200 --> 01:34:26.480
Phase three, I think has that.

1913
01:34:26.480 --> 01:34:30.400
So if one of you admins can answer in there,

1914
01:34:30.400 --> 01:34:32.440
yes, please release the app in Jesus name.

1915
01:34:32.440 --> 01:34:33.840
Jackie Crozi, you're up.

1916
01:34:33.840 --> 01:34:34.680
What do you got?

1917
01:34:36.960 --> 01:34:38.040
Sorry, thank you.

1918
01:34:38.040 --> 01:34:40.200
I know you've talked earlier about it,

1919
01:34:40.200 --> 01:34:42.680
but I just want like a little more insight

1920
01:34:42.680 --> 01:34:46.800
about when your child is very resistant to be dating

1921
01:34:46.800 --> 01:34:49.320
and gets to the point of trying to play husband,

1922
01:34:49.320 --> 01:34:50.840
you know what I mean?

1923
01:34:51.600 --> 01:34:54.240
Every time I go on a date with my boyfriend,

1924
01:34:54.240 --> 01:34:59.240
it's like, oh, I want to control what time, what you do.

1925
01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:07.960
How do I navigate that, especially when, you know, it is what it is, you know, he's, he's

1926
01:35:07.960 --> 01:35:15.400
been filtered through my friends, my pastor, and met a lot of people who treat me well.

1927
01:35:15.400 --> 01:35:17.840
So I just want to know, like, how do I navigate that?

1928
01:35:17.840 --> 01:35:18.840
No way.

1929
01:35:18.840 --> 01:35:21.440
Well, you know, it's still a fairly new relationship, because you're new to this program.

1930
01:35:21.440 --> 01:35:24.720
And I know that you weren't in relationship with him before you came into this program.

1931
01:35:24.720 --> 01:35:25.720
So it's new.

1932
01:35:25.720 --> 01:35:29.760
And so first of all, we have to give grace, truth and time, we have to give space for

1933
01:35:29.760 --> 01:35:34.280
our children to get ready for us to be in relationship.

1934
01:35:34.280 --> 01:35:39.240
And so we have to care about their feelings, care about, you know, their fears, we have

1935
01:35:39.240 --> 01:35:41.260
to be making them feel secure.

1936
01:35:41.260 --> 01:35:45.600
My husband didn't just say, you know, go to bed, Jaron, you know, and sit with me, he

1937
01:35:45.600 --> 01:35:50.520
went up, he spent time with his son, he prayed for his son, he did the things that he needed

1938
01:35:50.520 --> 01:35:55.880
to do in those moments to calm his little 11 year old boys fears that he lost his mom.

1939
01:35:55.880 --> 01:36:00.600
And now he was losing his dad to some woman that left live next door that he wasn't really

1940
01:36:00.600 --> 01:36:03.000
sure about yet, right?

1941
01:36:03.000 --> 01:36:04.000
It's the both ends.

1942
01:36:04.000 --> 01:36:08.720
So we have to, we have to make sure that our kids are our primary responsibility.

1943
01:36:08.720 --> 01:36:10.660
They're your primary responsibility.

1944
01:36:10.660 --> 01:36:15.840
So don't neglect your children's needs, even emotionally in this process.

1945
01:36:15.840 --> 01:36:19.440
Because you know, we're excited and having fun with a new friends or a new boyfriend

1946
01:36:19.440 --> 01:36:20.440
or girlfriend.

1947
01:36:20.440 --> 01:36:22.400
All right, Sarah, you're up.

1948
01:36:22.400 --> 01:36:24.920
Thank you.

1949
01:36:24.920 --> 01:36:28.560
Thank you.

1950
01:36:28.560 --> 01:36:37.360
So I have a question about how to do the attachment side of beginning dating healthy, because

1951
01:36:37.360 --> 01:36:45.160
I noticed in my friendships, I'm secure, but in dating, I'm a lot more anxious, a lot more.

1952
01:36:45.160 --> 01:36:49.360
And I've been seeing this great guy for not long, we were friends before I dropped the

1953
01:36:49.360 --> 01:36:53.320
hanky and he said yes, he wanted to go out.

1954
01:36:53.320 --> 01:36:59.320
And so we've only been going out on dates for like a week, but he's on the same page

1955
01:36:59.320 --> 01:37:01.880
about like, and we haven't had a DTR or anything like that.

1956
01:37:01.880 --> 01:37:03.440
Like I put, I'm like, absolutely not.

1957
01:37:03.440 --> 01:37:05.560
It's too soon.

1958
01:37:05.560 --> 01:37:06.560
I don't want that yet.

1959
01:37:06.560 --> 01:37:08.880
I just want to enjoy dating this guy.

1960
01:37:08.880 --> 01:37:13.280
How do I go about attaching and making sure we're doing that healthily?

1961
01:37:13.280 --> 01:37:17.400
Because I don't think you said that you have, you feel like you have secure attachment in

1962
01:37:17.400 --> 01:37:22.000
platonic relationships, but when it comes to romantic relationships, you get anxious.

1963
01:37:22.000 --> 01:37:23.520
And so there's something there, right?

1964
01:37:23.520 --> 01:37:25.960
Cause you guys, I say this in the heart works.

1965
01:37:25.960 --> 01:37:26.960
I'm going to say it again.

1966
01:37:26.960 --> 01:37:29.640
How we do one thing is not how we do everything.

1967
01:37:29.640 --> 01:37:32.040
That quote is a lie, right?

1968
01:37:32.040 --> 01:37:36.120
How you do one thing is not how you do everything because not everything's attached to the same

1969
01:37:36.120 --> 01:37:37.520
part of your heart.

1970
01:37:37.520 --> 01:37:41.440
And we all have different places in our heart that have been traumatized differently.

1971
01:37:41.440 --> 01:37:45.160
And so the first thing you need to do is get with Holy Spirit and find out why you become

1972
01:37:45.160 --> 01:37:48.320
anxious in romantic relationship.

1973
01:37:48.320 --> 01:37:53.280
When there's the possibility of romantic relationship and rejection or even acceptance,

1974
01:37:53.280 --> 01:37:54.840
why do you become anxious?

1975
01:37:54.840 --> 01:37:59.560
And so that's going to be the answer in which we build off of wherever that's rooted.

1976
01:37:59.560 --> 01:38:03.520
That's where we're going to have to, when you find out the answer to that, that's how

1977
01:38:03.520 --> 01:38:07.040
we're going to navigate what the answer to your question.

1978
01:38:07.040 --> 01:38:08.040
Okay.

1979
01:38:08.040 --> 01:38:09.040
All right.

1980
01:38:09.040 --> 01:38:10.040
Okay.

1981
01:38:10.040 --> 01:38:11.040
Awesome.

1982
01:38:11.040 --> 01:38:12.040
And Lydia, you had your hand up, but I think you gave up.

1983
01:38:12.040 --> 01:38:24.160
So if you want to go ahead and ask your question, she's looking for her.

1984
01:38:24.160 --> 01:38:25.160
There she is.

1985
01:38:25.160 --> 01:38:28.360
I actually didn't have my hand up, but I did it.

1986
01:38:28.360 --> 01:38:29.360
Okay.

1987
01:38:29.360 --> 01:38:30.360
Well, you have a question.

1988
01:38:30.360 --> 01:38:31.360
Maybe it's prophetic.

1989
01:38:31.360 --> 01:38:36.080
Um, well, cause I'm still like pretty early in phase two.

1990
01:38:36.080 --> 01:38:40.560
So just starting some of the dating and just a pattern and part of it's just the app that

1991
01:38:40.560 --> 01:38:41.560
I'm on.

1992
01:38:42.080 --> 01:38:46.320
It's like, I'm matching more with guys who don't live near me than the ones who do.

1993
01:38:46.320 --> 01:38:49.800
And it might just be, I need to branch out more, try some of the other apps.

1994
01:38:49.800 --> 01:38:53.800
It just, it seems easier to get matches with people who don't live near me.

1995
01:38:53.800 --> 01:38:57.640
Well, and you can also set your, you can set your distance.

1996
01:38:57.640 --> 01:39:02.360
So if you want to meet more people near you, you can set your distance smaller depending

1997
01:39:02.360 --> 01:39:03.440
on what app you're on.

1998
01:39:03.440 --> 01:39:09.320
And so, um, yeah, listen, friends, if you are not ready for long distance, because it's,

1999
01:39:09.320 --> 01:39:10.320
it's not easy.

2000
01:39:11.080 --> 01:39:12.080
It's worth it, but it's not easy.

2001
01:39:12.080 --> 01:39:14.960
And so if you're not ready for that, then make sure that you're on an app that lets

2002
01:39:14.960 --> 01:39:18.720
you set your range to how far away that person would be.

2003
01:39:18.720 --> 01:39:22.640
Because the last thing that you want to do is get into a long distance relationship that

2004
01:39:22.640 --> 01:39:23.640
you can't sustain.

2005
01:39:23.640 --> 01:39:26.080
And for those of you that are single parents and you have a shared parenting agreement

2006
01:39:26.080 --> 01:39:30.200
and you cannot move long distance, probably is not your best bet right out of the gate.

2007
01:39:30.200 --> 01:39:33.160
Why don't you try local first and then let's go from there.

2008
01:39:33.160 --> 01:39:34.160
Right.

2009
01:39:34.160 --> 01:39:35.160
Thank you guys so much.

2010
01:39:35.160 --> 01:39:36.440
We appreciate all of you.

2011
01:39:36.440 --> 01:39:38.960
Thanks for coming tonight and we'll see you soon.

2012
01:39:38.960 --> 01:39:39.960
Bye everyone.