All right, so welcome to our last all community path session on the topic of attachment style.
Does that mean that we are not going to talk about attachment style anymore?
No, that does not mean that.
It just means that this is the last of a teaching in this series, right?
So I announced this a couple of times, I'll go ahead and announce it again.
Go ahead and check your email right now, JackieDorman.com and see if you have an email for me, JackieDorman.com
and it will have some attachments in it.
Go ahead and do that really quickly before we get started.
Okay, I was just checking something.
Okay, so raise your hand, your little avatar hand if you found those worksheets.
All right, a couple of people still looking.
Listen, as long as one person per breakout tonight has access to the activation worksheet,
you're going to be fine.
You might have to go back later and look for it just for your own benefit.
I will tell you that most of the content that has been printed on these worksheets, I will
give you the resources that these worksheets come from or where they're found, okay?
So we'll make a list of resources, different things.
I'm careful to do that because a lot of the resources that I would look, that I would
go and get information from because when I gather information, I gather it from a lot
of sources and then I kind of filter it through Holy Spirit and give it back to you.
So a lot of those sources aren't necessarily Christian sources, especially when it comes
to psychology-based information.
So I want you to be careful, right?
If you're not the kind of person who can chew up the meat and spit out the bones, then
maybe those resources aren't right for you.
I don't want you to email us and say, oh, I don't think this is true because it didn't
come from the Bible.
Guys, there's something about following after the Spirit, right?
And so hopefully you trust me as your coach to follow after the Spirit and to give you
information that I feel is going to help you.
Once again, filtering it through Holy Spirit.
Guys, make sure that you go ahead and mute yourselves.
We've got people on here that are not muted and a lot of background noise for that.
Okay, so we're going to start it once again.
This is our last installment of the attachment series that we've been doing with our All
Community Path session.
I want to do a little housekeeping here at the beginning.
Who is ready?
Who thinks they can handle some real talk?
Just me, just being vulnerable, just telling you like it is.
You guys think you can handle that?
Good.
I'm glad because I don't know any other way to be.
I'm starting to feel like this hat that I just bought is not in my color wheel and I
probably shouldn't be wearing it.
So just so you know, I'm going to have to have a hat switch.
Okay, you guys, color is important.
All of you ladies, all of you gentlemen, you might be wearing the wrong color and we definitely
will have some help with that in our series for March.
So in our series for March, we're going to be doing some pruning.
Who likes to prune?
Raise your hand if you like to prune.
It's pruning fun.
Look at how different that is, y'all.
Did you see that?
Did you see that happen?
I didn't even set that up for you guys, but now you see how much color is important, right?
The orange hat was kind of like bringing like a orangish sickly kind of look.
I still like it.
I won't wear it now, but I will maybe give it to one of you when I see you in person
if orange is in your color wheel.
Okay, so, and I switched the Dodgers to the Yankees.
I'm sorry if that offends you because I have no horse in either race.
I don't care.
It's just a fashion statement either way for me.
The Dodgers, maybe they'll win this year.
Maybe the Yankees will win.
I don't know, but the red hat works.
Okay, so back to the real talk really quickly.
About at least once a week, I just want to quit, all right?
I have been doing this solidly for almost four years now.
Lots and lots and lots of great, amazing testimonies and breakthrough and lots of success and that's
great.
But there's a lot of warfare attached to what we do here a lot and it's exhausting.
So my daughter got engaged last weekend, my youngest.
I still have an oldest child who's not even in a relationship.
My son, he's never really been in any kind of serious relationship and he's almost 30,
but my daughter.
who is going to be 23 next month. She has been dating a guy for a couple years and we went out
to where she's in school out in Redding, California and she got engaged over the weekend. I was
surprised she knew it was coming, but she didn't know it was coming now. And so that was fun,
kind of a fun family milestone for us. Great guy, great couple, great match, not a perfect match
because there's no such thing, but great match. Okay. And they have been vetting this out because
they're young, you know, she's young. She met him when she was 20. So got some time to kind of
figure out what it is you want to do there. Right. Okay. That being said, I already told you that
I've been feeling kind of burned out and there's been a lot of warfare and a lot of things. You
guys, the first leg of my trip to this event was through Austin, through San Fran to Redding. And
then on the way home, it was from Redding to LAX, Los Angeles airport to Austin. I had a three hour
delay on my flight coming home. Didn't get home till 4am in the morning last night.
Can I tell you from the moment that I stepped in the first airport, Austin on my way to go on this
trip, three different couples at three different airports approached me and said, Jackie Dorman,
you're the reason why we're married. Y'all that's crazy. Tell me that's not crazy.
And that's like God saying, keep going. Right. Keep going. How many, who on here? I'm sure that
there's at least one, everyone put your little avatar hands down so we can get, get an accurate
poll here. Raise your hand. If you were part of the OG group of women that came into this,
the very beginning that came to the Austin retreat back in 2021, you came to the Austin
retreat in 21. Who? Okay. I see Bethany. Who's now one of our heartwork coaches. And one of our
success stories is raising her hand. Okay. Um, so you'll remember this. So I did a say yes to
the dress event during that, during that retreat. What was that? That was me taking all the women
that came to the retreat. I partnered with a local bridal boutique, just a woman that I met
over Instagram. And I said, Hey, would you let me do this at your boutique? She said, yes. She was
a little cray cray. So we went to her boutique and she let women who are not in relationships
and not getting married, try on the expensive wedding dresses. You guys, they don't let you do
that. You can lie to bridal stores and tell them that you have a wedding date and that you're
engaged to getting married and they'll let you try dresses on, but they don't just let anyone try on
dresses. It's not like just going into the mall and going into, you know, whatever sad fast fashion
store there is in there and just trying on clothes and getting your makeup on it and your
sweat, your BO that's not how they do wedding dresses. If you don't have an appointment because
you're a bride to be, that's going to buy one of these expensive dresses, then you can't come.
Right. Right. But she was willing to, to let us do this. And can I tell you that was a very
supernatural day? Bethany can attest. All right. It was a very super natural time. Anyone else
there besides Bethany that's here tonight? Raise your hand. I want to see if there's anyone left
from that timeframe. Okay. And Bethany of course is married. And she was one of the women that
tried on dresses that day actually bought her dress supernaturally because she felt led to
and is now married. Okay. So the girl that owned that shop, not only was she not a believer,
she was, she was, let's just say she had a lot of trauma, a lot of trauma, but guess what?
I befriended her after, after that day. And I invited her to an event that I was speaking
at that had nothing to do with being single. It was just a women's event that I was speaking at
and she got saved. Okay. She got saved. She gave her life to the Lord. After that,
she joined this program. I didn't really see her during her program, you know, and I never have
seen her again in person after that thing that she came to. And that was at least maybe a year
and a half ago. Okay. Maybe a year ago because she didn't meet a guy. She didn't meet a guy
very early in this program. That's when she was in it. And she brought him to Symbus,
like right out the gate. She knew him for like two months, brought him to Symbus.
And I was like, Oh no. Cause it was just bad. And remember matchmaker matchbreaker. So anyway,
they got broken up. And then I haven't, I haven't seen her since that Symbus class. So that was
probably a year ago. And you guys, I was at Austin airport and I hear Jackie Dorman and I turn
around and it's her and the sky and they're flying out and she's getting married. She's actually
relocating to Michigan. She opened another bridal store there and we got to meet this guy in person.
He is really awesome. Loves. God loves her. You guys can't make this kind of stuff.
But right, not only did this program and our presence
in her life lead her to Jesus,
but led her to a Jesus-loving man too.
Right, we're changing lineages and legacies around here.
All right, then fast forward,
I get to my destination after that flight
and I took pictures with all these couples
and then I met up with a guy, a guy came up to me,
he said, hey, do you remember me?
I was in your course.
And I said, yeah, I remember you.
And he said, yeah, he said, I'm married
and I'm married because of you.
He said, I would have never, you know,
married someone who already had children
if it wasn't for your teaching and your coaching.
And so that happened.
And then on my trip home,
someone on the plane, on a plane,
I saw them like making eye contact
and they were coming down the aisle, I was already seated.
And they were talking about me to someone behind them.
Yeah, that's her.
And I'm like, oh, what's gonna happen right now?
And they got up to me and they're like,
hey, you know, I was in your course, July.
They were in the summer program this last summer.
And this is my husband.
Remember that relocation, relocation, relocation word?
Well, they took that seriously and God relocated them
or at least told them to go to Ireland
where they met their now husband
who's 16 years older than them.
They would have never even thought twice
about even talking to him before this program.
Now they're married.
And guess what?
The person they were saying, oh, hey, that's her, that's her.
And then they met some guy from Germany
that they met in the airport
that they told all about their love story and me.
And then I happened to be on their plane.
And so they were able to introduce him to me.
And so you guys, we have another guy
coming into our program from Germany
for all you international ladies or American ladies.
Okay, so what is that?
That's God encouraging us
that we're on the right track, right?
If you go to airports and people recognize you,
you're either famous
or something supernatural is happening.
So in this case, it's something supernatural
that's happening.
And I actually didn't look like a gobble.
So that was a good thing.
And cause normally at the airport,
I look like I just maybe have stolen a ticket
and I'm like just some person
trying to hitch a ride on a plane.
Okay, so that happened, right?
And then I was reminded of a couple other things
that you have to understand
because I know that we're giving a preview
to phase two being in phase three right now.
So much happens in your life besides just the love story.
I already told you this girl,
she gave her heart to Jesus.
That happened for her.
Another person let go of their never will I evers.
They relocated.
They went to another country because of this program.
I was reminded today by one of my students
that's engaged now.
We helped her overcome a very tragic failed marriage.
She's now engaged to love of her life.
She also relocated because of this program
and because of love.
And she lost a hundred pounds.
Y'all, crazy.
Cause the heart work works.
It does.
Cause a lot of times trauma
is what is causing unhealthy habits in our lives.
Not just our weight,
not just anything to do with our outside,
but our inside too, our habits, our patterns,
all of those things.
And then the last thing,
who follows me on Instagram?
Who noticed that I've been getting a little sassy,
a little savage lately.
Anyone notice I've been being a little savage lately?
Okay.
All right.
That's just going to increase.
People unfollow me all the time.
That's okay.
You can unfollow me
cause I'm just going to follow after the Lord
because religion is holding people hostage.
It is holding people hostage in their singleness.
It is causing,
what we're going to talk about tonight
is causing avoidant attachment.
It's causing relationship anxiety.
What?
Your bad childhood?
No, religion.
Your bad childhood too,
but religion.
The ideas that you have about God,
who he is,
what he wants,
what he thinks,
how involved he is in your life or not involved,
how controlling he is,
what his opinion is about your love life.
This is all troublesome.
And so we got to unpack that.
And because that's kind of a one-way conversation
on Instagram,
hoping to get more and more people
into the program,
men and women,
so we can have more conversations.
And I might even have more conversations
just on the platform itself
so that people can start hearing things,
not just little sound bites of things.
Okay?
One of the other things that I said on there,
and this is what March is going to be about.
If you guys want a preview of March,
March calendar,
what March is going to be about,
we're going to have some practical things in March
of like how to flirt.
What does it look like to be able to connect with someone
and let them know that you are interested?
What does that look like?
What does it practically look like?
March talk a little bit about that
in different things like that.
Like we may even add the color thing in
because a lot of us are wearing the wrong colors.
And we got to stop doing that because we're, it's not, it's not what we want to do men.
You too.
I know men think that they're immune to this.
You guys think that you can just wear whatever color you want because you're men and color
doesn't matter when you're a man.
And that's not true.
That's not true at all.
Right?
So it's a difference between looking like you have a liver disease and looking like
an eligible bachelor that's single and ready to mingle.
And so we don't want to, you know, be jaundiced from our orange hat.
Let's not do that.
Okay.
Um, so we're going to start off, we're going to kick off for those of you that can be live,
um, on Thursday morning prayer.
Who knows that there's an extra day this year?
It's called leap leap day sleepier.
Okay.
So it's Thursday.
So Thursday is this extra day that we got.
Um, and on that day, symbolically, because I believe that there's some symbolism to that.
I believe that God's doing something there.
Um, we will have a special time of prayer that morning, but supernatural Saturday is
going to kick off our March.
Okay.
Supernatural Saturday is going to kick off our March.
It's going to be March 2nd.
All right.
So we're going to March 4th into the future.
Okay.
Together here and March is going to all, it's going to be about pruning.
It's going to be about house cleaning.
It's going to be about, when I say house cleaning, I mean all the stuff that's keeping you single.
Some of the stuff that I've shared on my Instagram is like, you have to get rid of all the stuff
that's keeping you single.
A lot of you follow preachers and people and influencers on Instagram that are keeping
you single.
They're, they're saying a lot of stuff that sounds good to, you know, your wounded ego,
but it's not true.
It's actually not true.
Guys.
Why do you think there's, and a lot of you don't like doctors, so this might be a bad
example.
You're not going to doctors anymore because doctors used to have a, an oath to protect
and not cause harm.
And it seems like that's not happening anymore.
Um, but why do you think there's more than one discipline in the medical field?
Why do you think that you don't just go to one doctor for everything?
Maybe your doctor that, you know, helped you come out of your mother's womb.
You don't go to them for everything.
First of all, for a lot of you, they're not even alive anymore.
Right?
And then secondly, because they know what they know, but they don't know what they don't
know.
And so they may send you to a specialist, right?
They may send you to someone who gets the root of whatever's going on with you.
You're like, Jackie, why are you saying this?
I will tell you why.
Because just because you have amazing people in your life, maybe you have great friends
that you've known for a long time, or you have great mentors in your church, or you
have a great pastor at your church or a great therapist.
That's a really good one.
A great therapist that helps you unpack stuff.
And you've been doing that therapy in conjunction with what we do here.
All right, great.
They don't carry the same anointing that I carry.
They don't carry the same anointing that this program carries.
I have seen so many pastors tell people they signed off on someone marrying someone that
was bad news bears.
Why?
Because they don't see things like that.
They don't understand what's deeper there.
I just got a call from someone a couple of weeks ago that told me that the reason why
they went ahead with marrying someone after I begged them not to, yikes, is because their
therapist, who they've known for years and years and years, said that they thought that
it was just a void in attachment that was causing them to try to cut and run at the
last minute.
Y'all, I had a late at night conversation with this person the two days before their
wedding, like at three o'clock in the morning, asking them to just hold off and wait, asking
them to give it some more time and to not just press forward in there.
You guys, you have to trust the process and the community.
And I'm not saying that to be like, Jackie's going to tell you about your love story.
I'm talking about the anointing that is on this program to help keep you out of trouble
in the area of your love life and to help you to push forward and let it be a yes until
it's a no, instead of cutting and running from something that could really be good.
All right?
So please focus on the material that is shared here.
God brought you here.
He brought you here to help you in this area.
Can we help you with your taxes?
No, we can't.
Can we help you with whatever else, other areas of your stuff?
No, we're going to send you to a specialist.
Maybe we'll bring a specialist in here to talk about those areas so that you can be
ready to partner with someone.
to do that, like to bring people in that have more information than we do on
other subjects.
But when it comes to this, God has given us a big piece of the pie.
All right.
He has given us a lot of the wisdom to help you in this area.
So please take advantage of it.
Please take advantage of it.
Okay.
All right.
That's all I want to say.
All right.
So now we're going to have fun.
That's right.
To have fun.
Couple worksheets.
We have the attachment style activation worksheet, which we are going to do
and break out here in just a few minutes.
And then we have the cheat sheet.
I want to explain this because a lot of you that are already scared of getting
with the wrong person are going to use this as kind of a manifesto of cutting
and running and we're not going to let you do that.
All right.
So I'm going to say something very shocking.
You can have a healthy marriage with people that do not have a secure
attachment style.
You can have a healthy relationship while you do not have a secure
attachment style.
It's about self-awareness.
It's about being willing to recognize the stories that you're telling
yourself.
It's about being willing to recognize the patterns that you have in
relationship and it is about communication and learning and growing
together.
Do I think that people's attachment style change does it change?
Like if you were on the test, hopefully you all took the test.
If you're here and you didn't take the test, we gave a test.
Okay, that tells you where you are right now with attachment.
Do I think that it can change to secure?
I think over time you can get more and more and more and more secure in
relationship.
Do I think that you might always kind of have a tendency to think a
certain way if you're not watching out?
Probably.
Okay, because personality goes into this and experience goes into this
and so many things go into it.
I am a perfect example of how you can have a very unhealthy attachment
style and still end up very happily married.
Right?
The hard work works.
It does.
Okay.
So I just want to say that so don't use this as like a you're going to
carry it around in your purse or in your wallet and kind of take it out
and put it under the table during the date and sort of like kind of be
checking off things as the person is talking to you and then just like
use it as a reason to not see them again.
Don't do that.
Okay.
All right.
So for the sake of a little recap, I'm just going to briefly give a tiny
little synopsis of the different attachments secure a secure attachment.
If that's what you got on your quiz, it is you can give and receive love
and you feel comfortable with intimacy and vulnerability for the most part.
Everybody has areas where they get a little sketch.
All right, but for the most part you can receive and give love.
Does that mean you're the friendliest person in the world?
No doesn't mean that you have the most friends.
No doesn't mean that you have the most relationships.
No, it has nothing to do with being friendly or extroverted or you know,
gregarious.
It doesn't have anything to do with any of that.
You can actually be someone who isn't really good at making new friends
or being you know, finding relationship.
You're just when you're in a relationship you have a tendency to
look at things more realistically and not through the lens of anxiety or
avoidance.
Okay.
All right anxious you approach relationships from a place of fear of
rejection from the get-go right and then you have a tendency to use
manipulation and a lot of people don't realize they're being manipulative
on their being manipulative because that is not a premeditated situation
but use manipulation and games to try to keep interest because a lot of
times you feel like people are pulling away from you.
All right, you see things that are not there you tell yourself stories
that hurt your own feelings a lot and then you're preoccupied with
relationship and with getting relationship because you have an unhealthy
need for relationship because you're not you know, you're not anchored
in your own self-worth.
So you got to get that hole in Christ part down.
All right, that's good.
All right, and you have a problem with feeling accepted.
So that's good.
I mean, it's not good but that's what it is and then avoidance same
thing approach from a place of fear of being controlled not of being
rejected of being controlled, right?
You're scared of being controlled.
You're scared of being boxed in you're scared of not having any options.
You like to keep your options open and this is going to bleed over into
other areas of your life.
You're the kind of person that doesn't want to make plans.
You don't want to necessarily commit yourself.
You don't like commitment commitment makes you feel not good.
Okay.
And you equate relationship with a loss of independence.
Good. All right.
So you want to take a little poll.
Raise your hand if you test it out as a avoidant.
All right, go ahead and lower your hands.
Raise your hand if you test it out as a secure.
Some of y'all cheated on that test because I know some of y'all got your hands up.
Okay.
And put those down.
And then I'll wait.
All right.
You guys, you have to keep your stuff muted.
Everyone can hear everything that's going on at your house.
All right.
Put your hand up if you test it out as an anxious attachment.
And usually that's the majority.
All right, look at all those hands, you guys.
That is a lot of people.
Okay.
Cool.
Good news.
You can be in a healthy relationship.
Doesn't matter what you test it out as.
You can be in a healthy relationship.
You can.
You can do it.
All right.
So we're going to have some fun now.
So we're going to go into breakout.
So Cheryl, go ahead and prepare those breakout rooms.
Let's see how many people do we have live.
We have 183.
Let's make the rooms about six to seven people.
All right.
So we have seven people.
Seven to eight people.
You guys, you're not going to have tons and tons of time in this room.
So let's keep the hi, how are you's to minimum.
You can introduce yourself and say hi.
But let's not go into.
You know, any kind of big, long introductions.
Because we're going to do this.
Okay.
So,
everyone in your group needs to have this worksheet that we emailed.
We emailed out today called attachment style.
Okay.
And then what you're going to do is you're going to have you.
You guys can switch off.
One person doesn't have to take control and be the, you know, the room.
The room mom or the room dad.
Okay.
You're going to read through these.
You're going to have one, two, three, four, five, six of them.
Going to read through them.
And then at the end of reading through them,
you're going to decide if this person that the story is about.
Is avoidance secure.
Or.
Avoidance secure anxious.
Okay.
And then you're going to have someone scribe it down and write down
like story one, Annabelle.
Blank, whatever.
Okay.
And then you're going to have someone.
Actually discuss why.
Okay. In the story point to what makes that true?
Why do you think it's true?
Sound good.
Do you understand them?
All right. Well, Eva said she didn't get them. That's fine.
Someone in your group will have them every single group,
at least one person raise your hand. If you have this.
Okay.
So I can see kind of the mathematical odds that one group would have
no one with the thing in it.
Right. It doesn't look like that's going to happen.
All right. So.
And the people that can take turns reading them out loud are the
people that have it in the group. Okay.
And it's still going to be fun.
Right. So go ahead and Cheryl, send them to their groups.
Okay.
And make sure that we are not going.
Far and fast down the road with someone who is not relationally
available. Okay.
All right.
Okay. Sound good.
See you in a little while.
One's coming back.
All right. Welcome back everyone.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Good.
You guys get through them all.
All right.
go over the results, but we're also going to just kind of talk a little bit about why
and why are we doing this? Because it's really important for you to see what this looks like
in the wild. What does it look like in the wild? What does it look like in different scenarios?
Everyone go ahead and remute yourselves when you're coming back in. What does it look like
in different relationship scenarios? I know that we think that we can spot this, but it's not always
it's not always that apparent, right? What's happening there. And so we need to be able to
talk about this as a group. Okay. So Annabelle's first up, you see Annabelle's only 28 years old.
She's 28. So that would make her a, um, like one of the oldest Gen Zers, right? She's just
right at that cutoff of millennial, young millennial Gen Z. All right. And so her and
Jeff have been dating for six months. They're very happy together. Um, nothing's not, everything's
perfect. There are several things that bothered her about Jeff at first. You guys look at that.
I think that's important because right there we can, we can immediately like,
maybe avoid it. Right? A lot of things just bother you get annoyed very easily by people's
little idiosyncrasies, right? That's something that's there. Okay. Um, Jeff was inexperienced
in the relationship in relationship, just in general. And to be quite honest, I had to be
very patient with him and even take the lead on some things. Oh, Christian women. We have to take
the lead on some things that's like, don't want a man that's passive. Right? Don't want a man who
doesn't know how to be a leader. Also, Jeff is a serious down to earth type of guy. In fact,
at first I thought he was too geeky for me to date. Okay. Oh, whoa, not her type
because I'm a fun and free spirit, but I couldn't have made a better choice. Jeff is warm,
independable. He has many qualities that are priceless. All right. What's the attachment
style of the NFL? Anyone? So you went with a secure attachment style because she was
really able to, um, identify things she didn't like things that she liked, but she was able to,
you know, be grounded in what actually mattered. And a lot of things that were red flags for her
were actually to seal the flags. So thank you, Kimberly. Any other groups have any,
anything else? Any, any other, any other result?
That might've been the only one in our group that we tossed around between secure and anxious.
Seemed like it'd be a, I said, it might be a blend, but other people,
I think we all agreed. It was kind of a, I think anxious led the way, but secure and anxious.
Okay. All right. So yes, we would say that Annabelle is a secure attachment and actually
there's like, there's more evidence of avoidant attachment in that story than anxious anxious.
People have a tendency to think all yellow flags are green, green, light, green, light, green,
light, whatever I need to do to make you happy and to make you like me. Um, I'll be willing to
do that. Right. Okay. So we see Annabelle encounters lots of different obstacles to
overcome in just the short paragraph that we've read, but she wants to solve it.
And she doesn't want to just solve it because she's afraid to be alone. You see that she's
fun. She's a free spirit. Um, and she, but she feels confident, right? There's a confidence
about Annabelle in the story that she feels confident enough to continue in relationship
and see where it goes. Like Kimberly said, it's a yes until it's a hard pass or no.
So if she was anxious, let's talk about it. If she was anxious, she might have concluded that
instead of Jeff being inexperienced, that he just wasn't attracted to her.
That's how she would have read those signs. Oh, he's just not that attracted to me. So I need
to make him attracted. Maybe you play a little head game with him. Maybe you need a little
manipulate him a little bit, try to get him more attracted to me. She would have told herself the
story that he's just not that into you. That inexperience would have translated to he's just
not that into me instead of, Oh, you know, he doesn't really just have a lot of experience
in relationship. That's what's really going on here. Okay. Um, and I want you to ask yourself,
how many times have you possibly misjudged someone based on what, you know, instead of
on what they know, ask yourself that question, not just in relationship, how many times maybe
you've misjudged someone and ascribe the wrong motivations to their actions based on what, you
know, but guess what? They didn't take that class. They weren't in that class. They didn't get that
degree. They didn't get that, you know, certificates and whatever it is that you're
talking about. God carded me on that with my stepdad, my mom's last husband before she passed
away, married to her the longest.
I was married to her when she passed away.
Every time I would call to talk to her,
he would just hand the phone to her.
He wouldn't even talk to me.
I was like, he doesn't like me.
He doesn't want to be in relationship with me.
And I would judge him,
but I was judging him based on what I know about relationship
and how you need to, you know,
reach out to people and talk to people.
He wasn't raised that way.
He didn't, he was afraid of relationship, right?
He didn't know how to talk to me.
So I was giving him tests over information
that he was never taught.
Think about that for a second
and see if Holy Spirit brings any instances
up in your heart and in your life
that have anything to do with that.
Now, if she was avoidant, Annabelle,
she might've used Jeff's incompetence.
Remember he's incompetent in the story, isn't he?
He's inexperienced, he's a little geeky, all right?
She's having to take the lead on some things.
So just so you know, people that have avoidant attachment,
they cannot stand incompetence.
And so she might have used incompetence to do what?
To belittle him, to criticize him,
to cut him down a few pegs, a few notches.
Avoidant attachments have a tendency
to be pretty verbally aggressive at times
when they don't like something that's going on, all right?
Or she could have used all of that incompetence
to just dismiss him, just dismiss him, ghost him.
You know, classic avoidance strategy
is to use other people's weaknesses
to create what we call disconnection stories.
Oh yeah, this isn't the guy for me.
The guy for me would be someone who could take the lead
and knows what they're doing
and has a lot of relationship experience.
Someone who's fun and free spirited, just like me.
You know, oh, I really can't talk to this person anymore.
They're too different than me.
They didn't do this right or that right.
That's clearly a sign that we're not right for each other.
Right, tell themselves stories.
Guys, you could be a really nice person who's avoidant.
And so you're still telling yourself a nice story,
but it's still a disconnection story, okay?
All right, so, but instead, Annabelle was flexible.
Even though he wasn't the ideal definition,
the definition of an ideal man for her, she was flexible.
And she was able to make that mental transition
to continue to allow it time to unfold
as she was getting to know him to see what was there.
So let's go to Beth.
Kimberly's group got to answer that question.
Let's get another group.
What was your, I'll just give the synopsis.
Beth finally, look here, finally met a great guy,
a really great guy.
Trevor and I have been out together twice
and I already feel myself falling in love.
It's so hard to find someone I'm compatible with.
I'm only attracted to a certain type of man.
And then what are the chances
that he'll also find me attractive?
The odds are against me.
I met him and now I have him.
I wanna make sure I do everything right.
I can't afford to make any mistakes.
One wrong move and I could jeopardize the entire thing.
I'm waiting for him to set the pace
because I don't want to seem too eager.
Is it too soon to send a text message
or to see when we're going out again?
I could make it seem laid back and spontaneous,
don't you think?
Or maybe I'll just send him a funny meme.
Yes, that's what I'm gonna do.
I'm the cool girl who doesn't really want anything from him.
I just have to just be fun.
All right, so what's Beth?
She's anxious.
And she gave me anxiety.
She gave you anxiety, Kim?
Okay, yeah.
So Kim says she's anxious.
All right, so prove it.
Tell me why.
She, from the get-go, let me go back to it.
We talked about just,
she wants to do whatever it's going to take
to not lose him.
I mean, you can't do that on your own.
And she says the odds are against her on this one.
I mean, is this a game?
So she's like trying to,
it's almost like she's trying to play a game
and she's gonna win.
Gotcha.
Anyone else?
That's good, Kim.
Anyone else?
Evidence of anxiousness, anxious attachment in Beth.
It's also overcompensating.
She's overcompensating.
Okay.
She's overcompensating.
Or that she's anxious,
and so she's like, oh, I'm gonna play the cool girl.
So she's aware of that.
So she's gonna overcompensate.
And you guys, if you're aware,
okay, so if you're aware
that you're being someone besides who you really are,
that's called manipulation.
That's how innocent it can seem.
Oh, I don't know that this person's gonna like
the way that I actually am in relationships,
so let me be different in relationship, right?
Okay.
And there's one real big one in the first two sentences.
Who's got it?
Well, they say that she's already falling in love with him, right?
Yeah.
After a few dates.
I think I'm falling in love, you know?
And if one little thing happens that's wrong, it's going to ruin everything.
Right.
You guys, I know this is fun and we're having fun tonight, but I hope that you see some
of your behavior patterns in these examples of just simply like, oh, I don't know.
Should I text yet?
Or shouldn't I text?
And then, you know, writing the text and then erasing the text and writing the testimony.
Got to get it perfect.
Got to say the exact right thing.
Having your friends weigh in on, oh, what should I do?
What should I text?
What should I say?
Be yourself.
If they don't like who you really are, guess what?
They don't like you.
And so, hello?
Even if you're being like an annoying, anxious kind of person, like I already told you, regardless
of your attachment style, you can still get into a love story, but you got to be yourself.
Right?
Okay.
So lots of stuff with Beth right here.
I made some notes here.
She just met this guy.
So she's already preoccupied with how to win him over.
Remember anxious attachments, always preoccupied with relationship.
That's all she can think about.
How can I win him over?
How can I get him to like me?
The odds are against me, but, you know, I got to get this person.
This person, I got to make them fall in love with me.
What can I do to make that happen?
Now, it is true, and this is important to note, that all attachment styles can feel
super excited about someone that they just met.
You can.
You can feel super excited about someone that you just met, and you can even think about
them a lot when you just met them.
It's called infatuation, and it's not unhealthy.
What you do with it can become unhealthy, right?
Like plotting on how you're going to scheme and get them to fall in love with you, okay?
So then we go on.
We see that she thinks that the relationship is rare and fragile.
You guys, that's the hallmark of anxious attachment.
If you think that there'll never be another person like this ever again, you guys, there's
8 plus billion people in this world, and hopefully this will help you.
When I say this, there are many, many, many, many, many, many people that could be a spirit
made to you.
I know that makes it seem not romantic, but it's true.
It's true, given what season of life you're in or geographically where you're located
and all different things.
I know that we over-romanticize this, and when we over-romanticize it, I know it feels
good for a minute, but it actually can cause massive discouragement if you believe that
every relationship that you encounter is rare and fragile.
It can cause you to have a lot of anxiety about messing it up, and then it can cause
you a lot of anxiety about, what if this isn't the right one?
As if it's the one.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
Okay, so we want to get out of that thought process because it's not biblical, first of
all, okay?
All right, so she's going to obsess.
So she's obsessing about every move she makes so that she doesn't make a mistake.
You guys are going to make lots of mistakes, lots of missteps in relationship.
I yelled at my husband the first time I met him, y'all.
I yelled at him.
And we are married for 17 years now.
All right, so if she feels like she can't make a mistake, what's she going to start
doing?
And you guys said it already.
She's going to start playing games.
She's going to start manipulating.
Even though it doesn't look sinister, manipulation is not the way you want to start a relationship
about, right?
You got to be yourself.
Don't weigh and strategize everything.
If you feel like you're strategizing, then you're probably leaning into anxious attachment.
And you guys, you can be avoidant and anxious, okay?
Because that's disorganized attachment.
You can be both.
All right, Steven, new group, tell me what you got.
For those of you that are counting the time, we're going to go to half past the hour.
So we're going to go to 830 Central.
Go ahead.
Who's got Steven?
Nobody had a result for Steven?
Did.
Okay, go ahead.
Avoidant.
Okay.
All right, Sherry and Gail say avoidant.
Prove it.
He kind of like was backing off, like something better is out.
You know, like he was backing away.
He was talking his self out of the relationship.
Okay.
So let's read it.
I'm sorry, I forgot to read it.
Steven just ended relationship with Amy.
He ended it.
It's over.
He's very disappointed, but he knows he couldn't have spent his life with her.
They dated for a couple of months, and at first he was sure that he found the woman
of his dreams, but then little things about her started to bother him.
Key word, little things.
And he knows he shouldn't, but he started to focus on these flaws.
They have made him stop having feelings towards her, and once he stops having feelings towards
someone, he can't stay a minute longer.
He just has to keep searching.
He knows that the right woman is somewhere out there waiting for him no matter how long
it takes.
And he knows that when he meets her, he will immediately feel something different and know
that he's found the one.
All right.
So give me more evidence of avoidance.
Did anyone have anything but avoidant?
People are getting PTSD.
They're like, this sounds like my previous relationship.
Okay.
What else we got?
Let's hear from a guy.
Okay.
Listen, I know that we want to divide the attachment styles based on gender, and it's
so easy to say all the men are avoidance, all the women are anxious, and it's not true.
And I know that Steven is an example of avoidance here, and he is a male gendered person, right?
You guys nowadays, I promise you, I was on a plane and they said, welcome ladies and
gentlemen and non-binary people.
And I'm like, what is happening?
I feel like I'm in the twilight zone right now.
I don't know.
I mean, couldn't they have just said, welcome everyone?
That makes sense.
Okay.
So I guess I'm just a practical person.
No hate intended.
I'm just like, just say, welcome everyone.
Okay.
All right.
So who wants to do, what guy wants to give us evidence of Steven's avoidance, if you
think that's what it is?
I will.
Okay.
Brett?
Yes.
For one thing, he started out and said, at first, everything was good.
And then he said, but then, so it was, he said, at first,
but then, so it was good at first.
And then later it wasn't good enough.
Gotcha.
Good.
That's a good, that's good.
And, you know, for the sake of time, everyone, there's a lot of really good tidbits in each
one of these paragraphs.
I hope you're really leaning into these examples because they can really help you with your
own tendencies and also with tendencies of people that you meet, not so you can cross
them off the list, but maybe see what they're dealing with, because we're going to, we're
unpacking what's kind of going on behind the scenes here.
Okay.
So Steven, so Steven is avoidant according to this story.
His description of an ideal true love is the red flag.
Guys, anytime someone's really idealistic about what they're looking for in the one
and they're out there somewhere, and I'm just going to kind of weed through all these other
people to try to find them guys, that is not healthy.
So if you're like that, that's not healthy, right?
There's good things and there's not so good things about everyone.
Some people, they're not so good things have come to a place where it's actually, um, become
a life controlling issue for them.
Okay.
And that oftentimes will turn into abuse within a relationship, but everyone has yellow flags.
Everyone has something that they're working on still that they haven't quite figured out
yet somewhere that they're still in process.
And that's going to always be true of you for the rest of your life.
You're not going to arrive during this life.
So it's about being teachable.
It's about being open.
It's about asking for help.
It's about being willing to be helped.
All kinds of different things have to play into that yellow flag turning green or it
turning red because you have an independent spirit.
You can't be helped.
You're not teachable.
You won't let anyone else into your process with you.
And then a lot of times those people will get worse and worse and worse in that area.
And you don't want that, right?
That's why in Alcoholics Anonymous, they say the very first step to being free and
being sober is admitting you have a problem, right?
That's the very first step in all life controlling problems is admitting that there is a problem
and that you cannot solve it on your own.
Okay.
That's what turns yellow flag is green.
Very important.
So when we have an idealistic point of view or perspective, when it comes to love stories,
And what we're doing is, is we are disregarding the process that people are in and we're expecting
people to arrive at a state of perfection.
And once we start seeing that that person's not perfect, that's starting to cause us to
be repulsed.
I call it the ics.
I call it the ics, right?
You're with someone.
You think that they're really attractive.
You're really excited about them.
And then all of a sudden, like they have a mannerism or the way that they say a word,
or, you know, maybe you have a pet peeve about being late and they were five minutes late
or whatever.
And then all of a sudden you have the ics.
You're like, ugh.
Right?
Women get the ics.
It's more than men do, but men start to be,
I'm not attracted to her.
Men start to be like,
I don't feel physically attracted to her.
Why?
Because something is happening.
Maybe they express too much vulnerability.
Maybe they express too much emotion.
And then all of a sudden, you know, it's just like, ooh,
you know, maybe they're like,
oh, I've been having such a great time with you.
And I just, every time that I'm going to see you,
I just can't, I'm just so excited
and I can't wait to see you again.
An avoidant personality could get icky over that.
Ooh, they're needy.
Ooh, gross.
That's so gross.
Okay.
All right.
So people who are anxious feel there's something wrong.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what just happened.
What in the world?
My notes went somewhere else.
Okay.
So different attachment styles,
this is what I wrote in my notes.
This is important.
Different attachment styles, if you would ask them,
why are you single?
They would explain it differently, right?
An anxious person is more likely to say
that there's something wrong with them.
Something wrong with me.
What's wrong with me?
There's something wrong with me.
That's how an anxious person would express
why they're still single.
I'm too old.
I'm too this, I'm too that, you know, whatever.
It has something to do with them.
I'm not pregnant.
It has something to do with them.
I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not handsome enough.
Men, I don't make enough money, whatever.
Okay.
People are not picking me
because there's something wrong with me.
Secure people will have a more realistic view
of why they're single.
They'll just be kind of practical,
kind of a realistic view of why they're single.
Yeah, I went through a divorce and you know,
I was just been, I've been focusing on my career
for a while.
You know, they'll have a realistic view
of why they're single.
But avoidance will sound like this guy, Steven.
They'll attribute their single status
to external circumstances.
Like they haven't met the one yet.
Okay.
All right.
I'm gonna say something.
And if it hurts your feelings,
then it probably needed to, right?
Cause sometimes God will use offense
to get us to see where we have a hard,
unhealed part of our heart, right?
So I'm gonna say it right now.
If you have dated a lot of people,
but you have never found the one,
you are probably an avoidant.
If you've been going on a lot of dates
and you've been dating people and you know,
and you find something wrong
with every single person in relationship
or they don't even make it to a relationship with you,
then you probably have an avoidant attachment.
I do believe in spirit mates.
You guys know that I do.
But I also believe that the one and finding the one
is about working with someone.
It's about growing with someone.
It's about choosing someone
and being willing to do the work with them.
That is what it is.
I know that's not sexy.
I know that doesn't sound romantic,
but nothing is ever gonna be perfect.
It isn't.
There's always gonna be compromises.
There's always gonna be things about your partner
that you don't like and that you don't find ideal.
My husband is two inches shorter than me in my bare feet.
Okay.
And y'all, if I'm just being honest,
I feel bigger than him sometimes
because I'm a sturdy girl.
I weigh almost 100.
I weigh 190 pounds.
All right.
The other day I was doing the laundry
and I took the black t-shirt out of the pile,
putting it on thinking that it was mine
and it fit me great.
And it was his.
And that made me mad, right?
Are you mad?
Yeah, I'm mad.
I don't want that.
That wouldn't be ideal for me, right?
But it's not just about that.
There's so many other things that I love about him.
And in relationship, you're gonna have to let go
of the things that you don't like
unless it's an abusive deal breaker
and understand that you have to focus on what you do like.
And that's for you avoidance.
When you come off of a date,
I want you to make a list of what you did like
about the person,
not what you don't like about the person.
We have a tendency to focus on the negative.
Remember, I was an avoidant.
Okay.
Right, so there's gonna be things that are not ideal
because this is not a fantasy.
It is a real relationship.
All right, so for the sake of time,
let's rush through the couple.
I'm gonna just take, we're just gonna say what it is.
We're gonna go into why.
Matthew, what do we got for Matthew?
He's only dated three people in his whole life,
including the girl that he's with in the story,
which is you, Marcy.
You met a couple of years ago.
She was very unsettled by this fact.
She kept grilling me about my past relationships
when she realized I really had told her
about all my relationships
and wasn't holding anything back.
She looked puzzled and asked if I had felt
I was missing out on something.
She wondered if I had been worried
that I was gonna be by myself for too long
or that I wasn't gonna find someone.
Honestly, the thought that I wouldn't find someone...
Never crossed my mind.
Sure, I had my share of disappointments,
but I figured that when the time was right,
it would happen, and it did.
I knew I loved Marcy almost immediately,
and I told her so.
When did she reciprocate?
I don't actually remember,
but I knew she was crazy about me
even before she told me.
What's Matthew?
Secure.
Go ahead and shout out some reasons why he's secure.
He wasn't intimidated by the fact
that he's only been out a couple of days.
He's, it's chill.
So what?
You'll find the right person.
He's not stressing out about not fighting anybody else.
He's not stressed out about her questions.
He's just like, you know what?
When it's time, it'll happen.
I'm all good.
Good job, Christy.
Yeah, he was mature.
Good.
But would we say there was a good chance
of him being a recovered avoidant person?
I mean, you know,
I can see where you would think that, Chris, for sure,
because he really wasn't focused on relationship.
A lot of times avoidance, you know,
they use their emotional and relational bandwidth
on something else, on work or on bettering themselves
or some other project, right?
And so I could see where you would see that for sure.
And we'll kind of break this down piece by piece
so we can take a look at that.
The bonus was, what is Marcy's attachment style?
Anxious.
Why?
He's all over the place.
Yeah.
Because she was asking him so many questions.
She was grilling him about his ex.
He has relationships.
Surely something's wrong with this guy
if he's only been with a couple of people.
And what difference does it make
if he's only been with a couple of people?
She makes you want to run.
She makes me want to run.
And listen, look at, this shows you that,
and you guys, I love a secure with an anxious
because anxious people will become more and more secure
very easily when they're with someone
who's consistent in their attentions
and in their intentionality.
An anxious person will become secure.
So the match made in hell, so to speak,
is avoidant and anxious
because this is where you get the person
trying and trying and trying and trying
and manipulating and trying.
And then you get the other person,
giving a little bit and then pulling away
and then giving a little bit and pulling away.
And then the anxious person will be like,
okay, I'm gonna look hot and I'm gonna show up
and I'm gonna be like, oh, look at what you're missing
and avoidant people hate what they're missing.
Oh, maybe I should look at that again.
Maybe I'm missing out on something.
And then they'll come back for five minutes
and then they'll get the ick again.
And so the anxious person will be like, I got you back.
And then they'll be like, ick.
And then they'll leave and it's not good.
It's not good at all.
All right, so let's talk about this,
especially what Chris was saying
is this person who used to be avoidant.
So there are several clues in this paragraph
that Matt has secure attachment style,
but I do agree that it looks a little different, okay?
And that should tell you as well,
we're not all, it's not cookie cutter.
It's not one size fits all,
but he has more attributes of a secure
than of an avoidant, okay?
So he's not preoccupied with relationships.
That means he's not an anxious, right?
But like Chris brought out that he could be an avoidant
because they're not preoccupied with relationships either.
Cause they're looking for the Holy grail.
They're looking for the needle in the haystack.
So they're not preoccupied with relationships
or just kind of like, eh.
So he's not preoccupied with relationships
nor does he fear being alone, okay?
So that also rules out anxious attachment.
And that's why his Marcy was like, wait,
don't you fear being alone?
Weren't you worried you were going to miss out on something?
She's talking from her own heart posture, right?
And those things.
So several things rule out avoidant as well.
And let's look at those right now.
First, and this is kind of one of those real covert things.
He seems to be very forthcoming with Marcy
about his past relationships.
You guys, when a true avoidant gets into a situation
where someone's grilling them about their life,
they lock down quick.
They lock down and pull away.
They don't like to be interrogated, okay, at all.
There can be very private people,
a lot of times very independent people.
And if you start showing neediness
or you start showing like lack of boundaries
in like asking a bunch of private questions,
you won't get answers, right?
You'll get radio silence most of the time
with a true avoidant person.
So first he seems to be very forthcoming with Marcy
about his past relationships.
And then he does something
that avoidance would never do.
He puts all his cards on the table
and he's not annoyed by her nosiness.
He's not, right?
Once again, with a true avoidant,
you don't get a second date.
Second, he feels comfortable expressing his feelings.
for Marcy, so Chris, that right there is the thing.
He's expressing his feelings for Marcy very early on.
You see in the paragraph where he says that he liked her.
I knew I loved Marcy almost immediately and told her so.
Never, not for, no, mm-mm.
In fact, guys, a lot of times you could be
in a relationship with an avoidant for a long time
before you really get like that type of commitment.
People say, can two avoidants date?
Can they be in a relationship?
Yes, but they probably wouldn't call it one.
They probably wouldn't call it a relationship.
Okay, that would be crazy.
Okay, so he's not sending mixed signals.
He is, he's not, he's not pulling away.
If he was anxious and he said, I love you to Marcy
and she didn't say it back immediately,
oh, that would have been a hot mess
for an anxious person, right?
So he's secure.
He's not sending mixed signals.
He's expressing his feelings.
He's introducing Marcy to his people.
He's not game playing.
He's not keeping track.
Anxious people have a tendency to keep track.
Who showed affection or who showed that they're involved
or interested in the relationship last, right?
A lot of times the game that anxious people will play
if they're really anxious is that they can't be,
they can't show that they're more excited about you
than you are about them.
So if you didn't respond for a couple of days,
then, you know, and then you did,
they might make you wait a couple of days
before they respond.
Cause it's like, I can't, I have to, I have to make you,
they've somehow feel like, you know,
making yourself scarce or a rarity
is actually gonna make the person want them more,
making them jealous, things like that.
That doesn't work, friends.
It really doesn't.
Okay, so what time is it?
We got 18 after the hour.
Carrie, go ahead and shout out what we got about Carrie.
What do you guys, oh, wait, you guys want me to do that.
Okay, I'll do the thing.
This Valentine's Day will mark the beginning of the year
when I find my husband.
I'm tired of being alone.
I'm sick of coming back to an empty house,
going to the movies by myself, not having sex.
Anyone else tired of not having sex?
Yeah, this year I will find someone wonderful
who will be mine.
In the past I bought, I bought,
there's a typo in my screen there.
Okay, in the past I devoted myself completely
to the people I was dating and I got badly hurt.
I lost faith in finding someone good,
but I now have overcome the fear of getting hurt.
I'm going to put myself out there
and I will need to take,
I will need to take a risk to lose myself.
I understand if there's pain,
if there's no pain, there's no gain.
And without me opening my heart,
there's no chance that someone could enter.
I will not give into desperation.
I deserve to be happy.
What is Carrie?
Secure.
Okay.
Recovering anxious.
James what?
Recovering anxious into secure.
Okay.
Okay, prove it y'all.
James says that she's recovering anxious,
maybe still kind of anxious and we got secure over here.
Did anyone get anything else?
We got the avoidance I think.
Go ahead Julie, what?
The avoidance.
Okay.
So you guys give me some exam,
give me some, give me some proof.
I need proof.
I agree with the recovering anxious becoming secure
because she demonstrates a level of self-awareness.
She's aware of her tendencies
and she's moving towards secure.
So she's now operating in secure.
Okay.
I feel like she's done her time
and she's just tired of all this anxious.
And she's like, I'm just ready to do it the right way.
I'm gonna try it the right way.
Like, and she's not giving up.
She just keeps going.
She's like, I'm gonna do this.
And she's saying, she's declaring it.
She's like, I am gonna find a husband.
Like that's secure to me.
Oh.
Okay.
All right.
So for sake of time, I'm just gonna give you the answer.
So, I mean, I like that you guys feel like
she's anxious trying to be secure.
So, you know, we'll go ahead and ride with that.
But definitely showing a lot of anxious attachment
in this story.
And here's why.
And I know once again,
it doesn't look the same on everyone.
And that's why it's important that we understand that.
She's very absorbed with relationship.
Remember anxious attachment is all about
my life's not complete without another person, right?
So she's totally absorbed.
This is it.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna find this person.
And she wants to get out there
and find her soulmate, her spirit mate.
But you can tell she hasn't done the hard work
because she believes it's gonna hurt.
No pain, no gain, right?
And she also doesn't understand why this keeps happening to her.
You see in the paragraph that she's been through all kinds of heartbreak and all kinds of things,
but she doesn't seem to be doing anything differently this time.
It's like a lather, rinse, repeat situation.
And the reason why Carrie is different from Stephen, okay, the avoidant,
is because she's not looking for an ideal partner.
You don't see anywhere in there that she's looking for the ideal.
She's just looking for someone, okay?
And then we see in the story that she also gets close and gets hurt.
She gets close and gets hurt.
That's a pattern and a cycle that she's going through.
So she continues to, you know, yearn for closeness, but without any new healing or any new information.
So here's, you guys, litmus test for anxious people.
This could be relationship anxiety and anxious attachment.
Anxious people usually want to make a deep connection pretty quickly, lock it down, go all in, right?
Even love bomb maybe, try to make that connection really fast.
They communicate too much too soon, and then they get offended or feel rejected if you can't meet them there.
All right?
And then people who have relationship anxiety, they really want a relationship,
but they immediately find all kinds of obstacles in their own heart about, you know,
what could go wrong or why this is not the right one and talk themselves out of things.
All right, last but not least, Kaylee.
Kaylee has been with her boyfriend for nine months, still reminisces about the freedom that she enjoyed when she was single.
She seems to have forgotten that she was actually really lonely and depressed when she was on her own
and has romanticized that time in her mind and wishes she could go back to it.
The grass is greener on the other side or there's always a better option or something out there that I'm missing out on by being in this relationship.
All right?
What is Kaylee?
Avoid it.
So here we see a female avoidant, right?
And you guys, I love to say that people get over this when they're single and, you know,
they really make a commitment to someone to get married, but I've seen people do this in marriage.
The grass is always greener.
The marriage is not bad.
They just don't want to invest in it.
They can't let the person in.
It's not time to let them go.
It's time to really let them in.
Into me see.
Avoidant people have a really hard time with into me see.
Okay?
And when that happens, they always think that there's something better.
I would have a better connection with someone else.
Right?
I didn't marry the right person.
I married the wrong person.
This person is not my soulmate.
They're not my spirit mate.
This is what happens here.
Very, very important that we get a hold of that before marriage, because if you think, oh, I finally made the commitment to get married, so I'm just going to be all better now.
No, you're not.
You have to recognize these tendencies when they happen.
And so here's the cheat sheet.
So let's go ahead and grab that if you have it.
If not, we'll make sure that it gets posted and I'll give you resources where you guys can do some more stuff.
So we're going to kick that off.
And remember, we're kicking off March.
And March is going to be about really pruning out all the things that are keeping us single.
And also keeping us really out of the abundance of the finish we're going to cross.
Not just single, but out of other abundance that God may have for us.
We're going to kick that off Thursday morning prayer.
Supernatural Saturday is going to be all about this.
That's going to be a good time.
And then Sunday night activation will be about this.
So we're going to kick that off.
And then we're going to kick off the week with a little bit of a break.
So we're going to take a look at our own lives and see what it is that we're doing that is keeping us from having the things that we want.
And relationship could be one of those things.
So avoidance.
And remember, I don't want you to take these on dates and try to cross people off the list.
Because people can overcome their attachment style to have relationship.
They can.
I have done it.
Lots of people have done it.
They will send mixed signals.
It will be very hard to define the relationship from an avoidant, you guys.
All right?
One day they might really, really like you and feel a strong connection with you.
And then after you have a great date with them, you might not hear from them for like three days or a week.
What happened?
They had a vulnerability hangover.
They got too close to you.
And now they're pulling all the way back.
Okay?
They value independence greatly.
They rely on themselves.
And relying on someone else and becoming interdependent with someone else is really a fearful thing for them.
They don't see that as health.
They see that as control.
They see that as a loss of autonomy.
Really important.
They devalue you.
Okay?
Or their previous partners.
They devalue.
That's one of the disconnection strategies.
If I make you seem not valuable, then I don't have to feel like I'm missing out on anything.
Use distancing strategies.
Distraction.
strategies, disconnection strategies, emotional or physical. They emphasize boundaries in a
relationship, but in the wrong way. Those boundaries are more like distance, putting
distance between you and them, not boundaries that you guys, real boundaries actually create
connection. They don't create disconnection. They have an unrealistic romantic view of what
a relationship should be like. They're suspicious, they're fears. They're suspicious of being taken
advantage of or lied to. They have a strict view of relationships, uncompromising rules of
engagement. If you're, if you're just getting to know someone and they tell you things like,
Hey, you know, I don't see myself getting married and you know, for at least another five years,
you guys are probably in avoidant attachment. If they already have like a timeline, if they're
telling you right before you've even started dating them, that they're not interested in
having anything serious. Okay. That's something you should, you should pay attention to that
and don't try to change their mind. You little anxious attachments. You're not going to be able
to show, well, they don't know what they're missing and I'm going to show them. No, you're
not during a disagreement. They need to get away. They might blow up. They might say things that
they don't mean anxious. People do that as well. If you don't give them the emotional thing that
they're looking for, they might be like, well, then it's over. It's over. And you know, I never
want to talk to you again. And guess what? The next day they're like, Oh, I want to talk to you.
Won't make their intentions towards you clear. And you guys, I know that a lot of this sounds
really unhealthy, but it's a spectrum, right? It's a, it's a, it's a whole spectrum.
You can employ some of these, but not all of them. And it doesn't make you any less avoidance
just because you don't do all of them are just because you love Jesus.
You guys, you can love Jesus and be really bad at human relationship.
You can. In fact, in my experience, church people are, are some of the worst people at
relationship because they got the love of God and that's all they need. Just them and Jesus.
Okay. Then why did Adam not stay alone in the garden? Why tell me why? Okay. So they won't
make their intentions clear towards you. They have difficulty talking about what's going on
in their heart. They have difficult, they have difficulty expressing emotions or feelings,
or even talking about what they're going through, even at work, like how's work. Yeah. It's okay.
It's kind of, it's kind of busy right now. They don't tell you more about, they don't
let you in the vault. Okay. Secure. They communicate. Well, they compromise during
arguments. They own their side of the street. They're not afraid of commitment or interdependency.
They don't view relationship as hard work. Closeness creates even more closeness with
them. If you get close to them, they actually get closer, right? You know, not in an anxious
way, but in a healthy way, they introduce you to their friends and family early on.
Pay attention to that because a lot of times we will say anxious people will do that. Not
necessarily secure. People will very quickly want to you to meet the people that they care about,
because remember they're good at relationship. They value relationship. And so they will want
you their new relationship, but they're really, really excited about to meet the people that
they know and love. That's important. Naturally expresses feelings for you. It's just natural
for them. It doesn't feel contrived. It doesn't feel weird. It doesn't feel like a mandate of
some kind. They're okay. If you know, you're not there, but they're there and they're secure
enough to tell you that they are there. They're reliable. They're consistent. They want to make
decisions with you. They're flexible in the relationship. They don't play games. Anxious.
They play games to keep your attention or interest. They have difficulty explaining
what's bothering them and expect you to already know. Okay. They want you to already know what's
bothering them. They act out when they're feeling insecure, because they'll act out when they're
feeling insecure. Even if there's no reason to feel secure, which oftentimes there's not because
they're telling stories and hurting their own feelings. They're telling stories. You're sitting
with them at a restaurant and they think that you're looking too long at the girl that's sitting
at the bar. When actually you're watching the sports game on TV, they have a tendency to feel
like you're always going to meet someone better than them, that you're always going to want to
ditch them and abandon them in pursuit of someone who's better. Okay. They make everything in the
relationship about them. That's why it's really toxic and unhealthy, right? It's all about them.
It's about how they feel. It's about how you're making them feel. It's about them. They're
preoccupied. Some people in all of these categories might mistake you as a narcissist because you're
so self-focused because fear will make you self-focused, but that does not make you a
narcissist. Once again, I'm going to say it again. It's so important to say narcissism is a mental
illness. Okay. And there's a very strict criteria on how we diagnose that mental illness in the
field of psychiatry and psychology, just because someone has selfish behaviors. Okay. Just because
someone has, um, you know, maybe a little bit of self-absorption or if you feel like
They're the kind of person who doesn't really care,
doesn't have a lot of empathy,
doesn't make their best sociopath.
It doesn't make them a narcissist.
Please stop with that.
It doesn't.
It just makes them not good at relationships, okay?
Means that they have fear
and they're probably one of these three things
or one of these two things.
Expect you to set the pace of relationship
but gets upset when it doesn't get exclusive
or intimate fast enough.
They want you to set the pace,
but they also, and this is men and women,
they want the other person to kind of like,
you know, make the grand gesture.
But if you don't make the grand gesture quick enough,
then they get upset.
They seem preoccupied or obsessed with you.
They fear that small acts will ruin the relationship.
They believe that they must work hard to keep your interest.
They're suspicious that you'll be unfaithful
or find someone better.
You guys, it's good stuff, right?
It's good.
And I hope that a lot of you saw yourselves
in these scenarios.
You saw some of the things that you do.
This isn't just about you being able to recognize
where other people are coming from
and their attachment style,
but also being able to recognize
where you are sitting in this spectrum and why.
So use those worksheets.
I want you to go through,
I want you to kind of circle the ones
that you feel like you,
and you might have ones in all different categories
for whatever reason, okay?
I want you to really sit with Holy Spirit
and really talk about where that's coming from,
especially if it's not conducive
to building healthy relationship, okay?
And I'm gonna give you guys more homework.
Remember, we're gonna start going after what's keeping us
from having the things that God has said we can have.
And we're gonna talk more about that.
So a lot of people think God is the one keeping us
from having the things that we want to have.
And he's not.
And I'm tired of him getting a bad rap for that.
So we're gonna go after that starting leap.
We're gonna take a huge leap forward
on Thursday morning prayer, ladies.
And then Saturday, everyone, on Supernatural Saturday,
and then Sunday night, activating that.
And it's gonna be awesome, all right?
In your email from JackieDorman.com are these worksheets.
If you didn't get them, we'll make sure that you did.
And bless you guys.
Have a great night.
I'll see you soon.
Bye, everyone.