Welcome to Love Story Accelerator weekly check-in.
My name is Renee Rizzo and it is our weekly roundup.
We have lots of ladies we need to hear from.
We had a lot of days that happened in the last week, so I can't wait to hear that.
First we're going to do some housekeeping.
Raise your avatar hand if you are new to Facetune.
This is your first session.
First session.
Okay, Mary.
I can't.
All right.
Somebody else has got their hand raised.
Awesome.
Okay.
So let me just kind of give you a summary.
This may or not be similar to what you're used to in the heart check-in.
Like typically when Jackie does a check-in, she kind of keeps everybody all together.
I know that when Bethany teaches in phase one, you tend to kind of go into breakouts.
We do not go into breakouts here in phase two.
I just find that sometimes the questions are so good.
I want to be able to speak into it and everybody hear the advice all at the same time.
Because even if you don't have questions for phase two, you learn so much by listening
to your sisters.
So remember in phase two, there are like four, well, there's that love story accelerator
introduction from Jackie.
And if I'm not mistaken, it's been a while since I listened to it.
I think in the introduction is when she talks about the dating challenge.
She gives you a challenge of start drinking water, eat whole foods, all the good things.
Like she just wants you to kind of put your best foot forward in all the areas.
And then there are some training videos.
There's one called Dating 101, where we talk about the five levels of dating.
Level one is community conversation.
That's like the easiest way to think about it.
You're in a group setting.
You're in a community.
We are all right now having level one relationship because we're in community.
Level two is when you get one-on-one dating.
And we kind of feel like when you are just texting a guy that you meet online, that's
really still level one.
It doesn't become level two until you're actually out on a date.
Now, if you're long distance and you plan a video date, then that of course counts as
level two dating.
Level two dating is discovery dating, just getting to know people.
Level three dating is where you have decided to focus on one person.
That is where the romance may start.
And that is where you're starting to think, hey, this could be the one.
Level four is engagement.
Level five is marriage.
And so that's what that Dating 101 session is all about.
And for a lot of us, it is a completely big shift from the way that you've ever dated
in the past.
So make sure you watch that or re-watch that.
Then, of course, there's the Divine Feminine video.
I love it.
She gives a really good explanation about the Divine Masculine and the Divine Feminine,
where we started in the garden, where it went, where it kind of has swung back and where
we need to be.
And I love it because when you hear Divine Masculine and Feminine, it has a lot of hippy
dibby woo woo sound to it.
But it's not like that at all.
And it's really a good way to understand how can you live in that.
And for a lot of women, there are some of those character traits in Divine Feminine
you really need to unpack here.
And that's OK, especially for us boss babes and loud and proud folks.
You know, we come in with a lot of energy.
And how do we shift our energy from masculine energy into feminine without feeling like
we need to be smaller?
So that's that teaching.
Then, of course, I do the online dating teaching.
And I would argue, even if you're not going to do online dating and you're just going
to do like Facebook pages, meetup groups, event groups, volunteer groups, I would still
watch it because it gives you some really good advice about how to get noticed to a
stranger.
And then, of course, I love teaching boundaries.
I've been teaching boundaries for 20 years.
That's one of the last videos that you will watch.
And I would ergo, I would say that those are great skills for you to have with everybody
in your family.
What we have since added to phase two is Jackie's new attachment style videos.
If you've not watched them yet, the easiest place for you to find them is in your portal.
There is an attachment assessment, a short assessment that you can take.
It kind of, we kept it simplified.
There's secure attachment, avoidant, and anxious.
Um, of course there are things like anxious, anxious, avoidant, and there's all kind of
variations of it, but we kind of kept it simple and unpacked that.
So these weekly check-ins, I'm going to do a housekeeping of like the topics that we
saw come up a lot.
So now you're all in here at different phases.
Some of you just got started.
You've been here two weeks.
You've been here a month.
You've not been ready to fly the coop and that's okay because I love keeping you until
I need to shove you out into phase three.
It's all good.
Um, and so I get to go over things that we saw were common that came up in the weekly
roll call and then I turn it over to you guys and you guys get to ask me any questions about
any of the videos, any places that you're stuck and any dating questions that you have.
And so as folks know, I kind of go into the last question and sometimes I've been known
to stand very late.
If you need to go and go to bed, um, you go ahead and do that and you can watch the rest
of it and replay.
Um, I will warn you, this girl is tired.
That'd be me.
So I'm not going to last two hours tonight.
So we're going to try to keep those questions.
You're going to, I'm going to ask you to be super brief, um, in them and I'm going to
try to answer your question and get to as many people as possible.
Awesome.
And if you're just like, I'm so lost in phase two, I don't know what the heck I'm doing.
That could be your question and that's fine too.
Um, okie dokie.
And then the other thing is we really encourage you guys to stay engaged.
Like, you know, I don't care if you hate Facebook and you're like, I'm never on Facebook.
Once a week, go to the roll call on Sunday and fill out the post and maybe middle of
the week.
Kind of see how your sisters are doing.
Cheer each other on.
There's no reason why you can't hop on Facebook for 20 minutes in the middle of the week.
Kind of see how your sisters are doing, cheer each other on, get some good advice, get some
good answers and then peace out and you don't have to stay on Facebook for very long.
I keep telling you guys, well, Jackie keeps saying that the app is almost ready.
It really is.
Um, and I will say when we move to the app, it'll be much easier because right now we're
doing community on Facebook and all the content is on the Jackie Dorman portal.
Once we get to the web-based app and phone version, the community is one tab and the
content is another tab.
And then all the zoom links are another tab right there, right there, but we have a really
complex program.
And so they've been having the company that we bought this from that's doing this for
us.
They've had to make a lot of upgrades to meet all of our needs.
And so the developers are just doing the thing.
So we're, we're, we're in the, we're in the home stretch.
We feel really good about it.
Um, okay.
Surrendering.
So one of the first topics is surrendering and leasing, lease, oh my gosh, releasing
the outcome in dating, trusting God in the process, having expectancy that God wants
to work in this area.
You guys, it is so hard, especially when you're watching each other like, oh my gosh, you
know, like Mary's got five dates and I can't even get one date.
Like it's really easy, but y'all know comparison is the thief of joy.
So we're just not going to do it.
Um, you are all at different seasons of your life.
Some of you may be pickier than others.
Like some of you might be just swiping on everybody.
So you're going to have an increased number of people that you'll talk to.
Some of you are like, no, no, no.
Well guess what?
You've just trimmed down the number of people you're going to talk to just by doing that.
And so try not to compare yourself, trust the process, trust the process.
You guys, um, even I think there's a, there's a contemporary song out now.
It's like, even when you can't see it, God's moving.
So just because you don't see the results in front of you, doesn't mean that God's not
moving on your behalf.
Like I feel like we're going to get to heaven y'all and we're, God's going to like have
a movie room.
We're going to, we're, we're going to get to see those seasons of our lives where we
were ticked off at God because we were like, you're, I may not praying and praying and
praying or do not dang thing.
And we're going to get to see the behind the scenes of all the crap that was going on and
the angels and the demons, like they were all doing this stuff and just trying to move
it forward.
And we didn't even know it was all going on.
So we just need to trust that when we pray and we act in obedience, God is moving even
when we don't see it.
So I really, really want you to trust in that.
I also want you to be okay that some people are going to get to the, you know, get the
weight loss done, the job thing, the home thing, the boyfriend, the marriage, somebody
might get it faster than you.
I don't know why y'all like, I can hold space for your why question.
I can't answer the why only God gets to answer that question.
And really we don't deserve to even ask God why, right?
We just have to trust God's hand.
We have to trust his heart even when we can't see his hand.
That was a famous song from New Song and I just love that line, when you can't trace
his hand, trust his heart.
And so I just want to encourage you to do that.
Just keep working at it.
Keep doing the thing.
Keep being your best self.
Keep showing up.
Keep staying in community.
Keep pressing forward.
Find things to distract you.
Find things that bring you joy.
Try not to make this all about finding a husband.
You guys, I wrote a book a couple, I just, well, it was a Bible study that I taught for
many, many years and I finally turned it into a book.
And one of the chapters was, when hope doesn't hurry, because at the time even of publishing,
I was two and a half decades in waiting for my spirit mate to show up.
So if anybody knows about waiting, you know, through hope, I do.
And one of the things I had to really come to terms with is I needed to make sure that
the thing I was hoping for was smaller than my hope in Christ.
If I made my hope in getting married bigger than my hope in God, then I've turned it into
my idol.
Now, here's what I'm not saying to you guys.
Like I was out to dinner with some girlfriends from church last night and I was talking to
a couple of single people, they were married people, they were single women there.
And one of them said, you know, I'm just, I really am at a place in my life where I'm
content in my singleness.
But she also said, and if God wants me to be married, he's just going to make it happen.
I'm like, okay, so what are you doing about it?
And she's like, well, you know, I'm living my life and I'm like, okay, so unless you
marry the Amazon guy, like how is he going to meet you?
Does like every activity you do put you, I said, tell me one activity you do that puts
you in the presence of single men.
And she mentioned all this stuff that she does.
I go, yes, but do any of those things put you in the presence of a single man?
And she's like, well, no.
So here's the thing.
And Jackie talks about this all the time.
It's like finding the right balance of doing your part, letting God do his part.
And you're only responsible for your part, but you guys, your part matters.
So yes, from the inside out, we want to show up for our best self.
We want you to be, you know, filling your body with worship and word and meditation.
We want you to wash your skin, you know, exercise, steps, eat healthy.
We want the glow on your face.
We want you to be doing all the things.
And so you do your part, getting out there and mingling.
You guys, if you don't want to do online dating, don't do online dating.
But, you know, like I was coaching somebody and she was like, well, there's nothing to
do in my town.
She lived, I'm not even gonna tell you where she lives because I want you to know who it
was.
I literally Googled while we were on the phone, single meetups.
And I mentioned her city.
This a plethora of options came up.
So meetup, eventbrite, like all this cool stuff came up.
I said, do you realize what you could be signing up to do in your town?
And that means you never need to get online.
And you guys, you might say, well, like I live in a town that doesn't, then look for
a town that's three hours away.
Because if you're in a little town, you know, meeting nobody and you don't want to get online,
then you're probably not going to meet anybody.
Like you got to be willing to do something and do something different.
And you know, when people say you have to be content in your singleness, like I want
to help you with that.
Cause you guys, I used to punch people out.
Like I'm not, I'm not going to lie.
I'm Italian.
I was in Israel with these people last year and I almost decked them.
Cause like when you say be content in your singleness, I'm like, really?
So do you tell the couple, do you tell the couple that's trying to get pregnant to be
content in their barrenness?
No.
Do you tell the person that we're praying for to get rid of their cancer that they should
be content with their cancer?
No.
Do you tell the guy that just lost his job that he needs a new job to be content in his
unemployment?
No.
We pray for these things and we pray big for these things.
Now that doesn't mean I can't be content with where I am right now.
Cause here's the thing you guys, I am, I'm now in a great level three relationship.
We're actually kind of doing, we're, we're, we're, we're being so frugal and stuff.
We're kind of like planning the marriage path and all of the things that need to happen
before then.
And so, you know, I can say this, but even before him and even with him, you guys, I
love him.
I love him.
I can marry him.
But if we broke up tomorrow, I still would be okay.
That's secure attachment.
You guys, that's, and I've never had that kind of secure attachment.
So I am content in my singleness, but I also want to be married.
Those I can hold space for both of those.
So I would love for you guys to carry that posture.
And I, I've never sought, sought, taught this before, but some of you and some of the people
even in phase three are presenting so desperate, like, and whiny about it.
Y'all, no dude is going to get like, he's, he's just not going to attract that kind of
energy.
So I want you to find this place where you can be content with who you are today.
But I want to encourage you in this program to strive to be the best version of yourself
that you can possibly be.
So when you're not getting dates, what can you be working on?
What can you be enjoying?
What can you do to serve somebody else?
What can you do to make yourself laugh?
And so be content with where you are, strive to be better, but also still desire your mate.
I believe God can let you hold both together.
You don't have to choose.
So I hope that helps you when your annoying married friends
tell you, especially the miserably married.
My favorite are the miserably married.
Oh, you're so lucky to be single.
You don't know how good you have it.
And then I usually get snarky and go,
I'm sorry, was I not clear?
I don't want you your marriage.
I just want a healthy marriage.
That's only when they just get me all riled up.
Okay.
See the second bullet point I went into
without even doing it, growing personally.
And so that's the thing you guys, in the last,
and I don't know what you need to do.
I was working as a CEO of a nonprofit
when I started this program three years ago.
I had since then stepped down.
And in the last three years,
I've had to redefine what my identity was.
Cause I went from being like a big CEO
known in this community to like a big fat nothing, right?
Like, cause I'm going to seminary school.
Like I got into seminary.
I finally applied to seminary and I got in.
So I'm purposely doing contract work
so that school can be my primary focus.
So it just means my big title had to take a back seat.
And so God's been really working on my identity.
So that's been super important for me.
I've been working on my physical health.
I've lost a lot of weight.
I'm getting in shape.
I felt really good about my eating and my sleeping
and my exercise routine.
And then of course, I just mentioned I published a book.
So you guys, there's so much God has for you
to get started on today, even without your mate.
So we want to help you and encourage you through that.
The other thing, okay, that we always bring up,
this always comes up, you guys, in your phase
and even in phase three.
How do you talk about faith with guys?
Now, some of you are all like all into Jesus.
Y'all like are speaking in tongues.
You do like Beth Moore Bible study, not Bible study light.
You know, like you can do homework in your Bible study
and you want your man to match up with you.
You want him to like preach and teach at your level.
And so you start asking questions really early on.
So I will say this.
So I'm gonna tell you how I ask about faith
in all of the phases.
So if I'm just texting with a guy
and it's not clear what his, I will say this first.
Let me back up.
I tended to personally only swipe right, right, right,
on guys who mentioned their Christianity,
someplace, they marked it.
Now I'm in the South, so Christianity means nothing.
Like they're Christian,
that means really nothing in the South.
You gotta ask a little bit more.
But for me, spiritual, when they mark spiritual,
that didn't work for me.
Jackie has said, I think she says in the videos
that she knows Christian men
who purposely don't put Christian
because it sounds so creepy me even saying this.
They don't want all these women coming after him
who just wanna get married, whatever dude.
I've personally not experienced that.
If they don't put Christian, they aren't.
If they put spiritual, it's woo woo.
It's like woke Jesus, it's woke something, it's tree hugger.
I don't know what it is, it ain't Christianity.
But I don't wanna tell you what to do.
I've been online for the last three years, pretty heavy.
I'm just here to tell you that usually
if they're a believer,
they at least mention it somewhere, somewhere.
But if they're vague about it,
here's how I get a little bit more information
about their faith.
I say, hey, what are the things that are important to you?
So you can break this down.
What are the things that are important to you
that you love to do
that are taking up your time and energy right now?
What is it that you love to do
that you make time for
that's taking up your time and energy?
And sometimes to help them, I'll say, I'll go first.
I'll go first.
And I'll say, right now, eating healthy and exercising
is really important to me.
I love to learn.
I'm back in school, so I love to learn.
I love to go hiking.
I love musical theater.
I love college sports.
I love to hike and I'm very active in my church.
That's a big part of my life.
So you see how I slipped in the church in there
in a list of all the other things that I love
because I don't want him to think I'm creepy Jesus girl
that just only does stuff at church.
I want him to know that I have a lot of other interests
and not just church.
So I'll say, how about you?
Now they might mention a whole bunch of stuff.
And so if they don't mention faith at all,
I don't push it.
I just go, hmm, note to self.
And I look for another opportunity later.
So then, because remember, I've already coached,
if you watch the online dating video,
I already coached that I don't.
longer than a week, I refuse to text longer than a week.
How I get off of texting is some version of,
that's a great question, it's too clunky for texting,
I would love to answer that by video.
I'm personally a fan of video versus Google Voice
because I don't want them having my phone number,
I don't want them texting me all damn day,
I don't want them to continuing the texting saga,
I want them to book a video date with me,
I want them to book the time, I wanna own my phone.
And so for me, I know for some of people,
they love getting Google numbers
and they love going from the app to a voicemail,
I'm a visual learner, I need to see your face,
I need to see your body language,
I need to see all the things.
So that's what I request to do.
And if they don't wanna move to that,
sooner or later, I'm done with them.
So once we're on the video call,
you know, if they talk about,
like I might ask like a fun question,
and actually maybe next week,
next week, I'm gonna do my table topics,
there's a bunch of fun questions
and I'm gonna pick out my top 20 fun questions to ask
on those early dates.
They are a great way for you to find out
a lot of stuff about somebody,
but kind of covertly without having them vomit
all of the crap we don't want you
to have them vomit right away.
And so, but I might ask them like,
you know, what's the biggest thing that you accomplished
that you feel really good about,
you know, kind of thing, you know,
and then they might tell me like,
oh my gosh, well, you know what?
I was able to get a scholarship to college and graduate.
Awesome.
You know, then I might slip in,
so did you notice if your faith paid a part of that?
Like you overcoming that, you excelling that,
did your faith play a part in that?
Did your faith play a part in that?
So that's how I start to ask about faith.
Did your, does your faith, or I might even say,
hey, so you know what, you kind of alluded to it,
or you put Christianity on your thing,
but you haven't really talked about it.
Does faith show up for you in your everyday life?
You see how I'm not asking what their denomination is yet.
I'm not asking what their church attendance is.
I'm not asking them if they can speak in tongues yet.
Like I'm not asking them any of that.
I wanna just have them start to talk about
what their faith looks like in everyday language.
My favorite is when the real religious,
or they grew up real religious,
but they're not, they start with their whole story
about their grandma and their mom and the faith
and what they grew up into kids.
So I'll let them ramble and then I'll go, that's awesome.
So how does that show up for you today?
Like, I didn't ask you what your grandma's faith is.
I asked you how it shows up for you today.
And if they don't say anything,
then again, I kind of make note of that.
For me, I can usually get that information in video dates.
If I don't get them in video dates,
I definitely get them on the first date.
But I don't, if you've noticed yet,
I'm still not asking about their attendance and everything.
I will say for me, I've been in ministry for 25 years.
I'm now in seminary school.
I don't want some yo-yo Christian.
Like, if he can't even answer those basic questions
I just told you, he's probably not my guy.
Now, I don't know where y'all are in your faith journey.
And so you might have a different deal breaker
on that faith.
I would just say, pay attention to what they say.
Don't ask too many questions in a row
because then they're gonna feel like
you're kind of like, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.
The other thing I wanna encourage you on is,
and just to remind you,
especially here in this community, you guys,
this is an ecumenical community.
Every denomination is represented here.
Everybody has a different religious background.
And so we don't like place a higher authority
on the Pentecostals.
We don't crap on the Catholics.
Like, we just don't do that here.
We all, you know, and so I just wanna make sure
that when people mention stuff
or when you mention stuff in posts,
try not to dog a denomination
or don't assume all denominations feel this way.
I have a minor in religion.
I have spoken at hundreds of churches.
I probably know the doctrine of most denominations
and I can find fault in all of them,
even the non-denom, you guys.
And so there's religious spirit in all of them.
There is hypocrisy in all of them
and the Holy Spirit can actually move in all of them.
I used to work at a Presbyterian church.
We were called the Frozen Chosen.
I promise you though,
I saw some Pentecostal Presbyterians.
They were just a little bit more low key about it.
Like the women would do it on retreats.
They wouldn't do it on Sunday service,
but boy, they did it on retreats.
They used to make me laugh.
Okay.
Attachment styles.
Let's see.
Okay, so the basic two attachment styles
that you wanna be aware of is on the anxious attachment.
Anxious attachment, people,
I grew up in a very anxious attachment,
although I was probably like Jackie.
Jackie has claimed she was.
I'm anxious avoidant and I, you know, our trauma,
childhood trauma is very similar.
And I would say I was kind of anxious avoidant.
So anxious means that you want to draw
in quickly to somebody.
You want to attach quickly.
It's slightly different than love bombing.
Sometimes love bombing is just
you're vomiting this love thing.
Anxious attachment, people don't need to say
I love you right away,
but they do need to attach right away.
And so those are gonna be,
if you are an anxious attachment,
you will tend to go deep really quickly
in your conversation.
You will trauma bond much more easily.
You'll like share each other's wounds and traumas
and it'll be amazing.
And you will probably be the one most likely
to what we call, we have an emotional hangover.
Like you'll wake up the next morning
and you're a little embarrassed
that you shared as much as you did,
or you're embarrassed that you let him share
as much as he did.
And so, and typically anxious attachments
tend to attract avoidance, the exact opposite.
Avoidance look just like anxious attachments
in the first week.
They're all in, they woo you in.
And the anxious person's like,
I'm not sure, I'm not sure I've done all this therapy.
I don't know, this is a little too much too soon.
And just when the avoidant like hooks you
and you're like, oh my gosh, you are the best thing.
And all of a sudden the avoidant is out of there.
So avoidance do like the chase in the front end.
So that's why they're harder to spot
because they almost mirror the way an anxious is.
And then they kind of peace out.
And you guys know that's like the dance.
So an attachment kind of goes in,
the avoidant freaks out and they go back
and then the attachment keeps going in.
Here's how the dance changes.
The anxious person goes, I'm not gonna do this.
And so they turn and leave.
Guess what happens to the avoidant
when the anxious person turns and leaves?
Ah, they start going after them.
The problem is the minute that person turns back in
and reaches, it's like this, right?
And so avoidance, they want it, you guys.
And so some of this, and it's okay y'all
because everyone just assumes all anxious attachment people
are women and all avoidance are men.
That is so not true.
I know plenty of men, actually ironically,
the guy that I'm with now,
we are both technically secure attachment,
but our unhealthy side,
we both go back to anxious attachment.
So it's been interesting having
two anxious attachment styles together.
We're just not used to it.
We're used to the avoidant trying to peace out.
And it's okay for the women to be avoidant.
And you know you're an avoidant
when you feel like you have it right in front of you
and you find every single reason to break up with them.
You know, it's funny,
cause I'm dating myself, but Jerry Seinfeld,
like Jerry Seinfeld, George Costanza always found,
I mean, and he was like the little short fat bald guy.
He always started criticizing women
and finding like fault with them.
Like he just, he was like an avoidant.
Like he wanted relationships,
but then he just started nitpicking the crap out of them.
And obviously a secure attachment is not in any rush.
And so you guys know I'm closer and secure attachment
at the beginning of this session that I adore Rick.
I could see myself marrying Rick.
We're actually heading in that direction
with all of our plans.
But if he said to me tomorrow, no, I would be sad.
I would be sad, but I would not be devastated
and I would be okay.
Now I also will say we're not having sex.
That plays a big role.
So when you get to phase three,
we talk a lot more about sex.
There's a really good sex episode that Jackie and I did
and we are both as blunt as they can be.
And so we are not afraid to kind of go there.
And so I can tell you firsthand, I'm no saint,
I've done it wrong, but I can tell you
it is far easier to break up with someone
you've not had sex with than one that you have.
Like it's just the name of the game.
Okay, I wanna open it up now.
I always like ending at the bottom of the hour
because I love opening it up to questions.
And so now is your chance to ask questions.
You raise your avatar hand.
As they hit across my screen, I let you go.
And so again, we have a lot of folks.
Ooh, yeah, we've got like 36 folks here now.
So I wanna make sure that I get a chance
to listen to everybody.
Christina, you are hot with the button, girl.
You are up.
I forget, do you have an update for us?
A dating update?
I can't remember.
I had like five people.
Again.
Yeah, so my dating update.
I went out on a second date with the fire men
and I was already not like feeling it
because of his comment that he made.
So he knew, I told him that I worked that day
and he had.
called me when I got off work, like, I'm a nurse, I work long
hours, I drive an hour to work, I drive an hour home. And he had
called me like this wasn't a planned call. And I just let it
go to voicemail because I didn't want to talk. I texted him. I
said, Hey, I'm home. I'm tired. I'll talk to you tomorrow. That
was the end of it. And then like he brought it up the next day.
Kind of in like, I don't know, it's just felt like in a
controlling way. But I don't know if that's my past traumas
that I've had or my past insecurities. But I don't know,
I just, I know it's a yes until it's a no, but I feel like it's
a no.
Well, do wait. So did you have the date or not? I'm confused.
We did. We went on a coffee date. And then we went on a
second date, like a day or two.
Tell us tell us about the second date. What went right? And what
made you go?
Um, I did bring up, I didn't bring up like religion per se,
but just kind of like, you know, your faith or whatever. And he
said, even despite him that he put Christian on his dating app,
he's like, Oh, I'm not really religious. I've had bad
experiences with religion with my ex. I don't go to church. I
don't I'm not like into any of that. And I'm like, Okay, so
that was like, obviously a major red flag. Yeah. So I'm just, I
don't know, I just feel bad about
besides the faith. Was there any other thing that made you go in?
No, just that. And then he just kind of brought up the whole
phone call thing twice. And I asked him, I said, Did that
bother you that I didn't pick up the phone? And he's, he just
kind of said, No, ha ha ha, I wasn't bothered by it. But he
brought it up twice. So
he was bothered by it. Yeah, when it brought it up twice.
Well, and I don't think that like, I, we're not at that
level to we've met twice. Like, I don't feel that I'm tethered
to my phone and have to pick up every time you call.
Did you enjoy your taught your date with him?
Yeah, but I just don't.
Are you ready for the date to be over? Yeah. Okay, then you don't
need to go out with him again. We always say yes until it's a
no. But like, I kind of feel like when I say it's a yes until
it's a no. And no, you have these things you're not sure
about. Are they yellow flags? Are they going to be green? Are
they going to be or I'm not that attracted to him? But oh my
gosh, he's so funny. He's everything I want. But if he
doesn't have the three M's, masculine, marriage minded and
mature, and he's not enough of a believer for you. Those are all
reasons and you didn't like love the conversation. Yeah, all good
enough reasons to say, I really enjoyed getting to know you.
Thank you so much for sharing your time with me. I don't want
to pursue anything further. And you know, anything that you
know, I really wish you the best. Why? I really just don't
want to pursue anything further. You do not need to in a level
to give them any more explanations. That's for
everybody, you guys. I came from like the codependent, I need to
explain everything. No, we don't need to explain ourselves. The
only time you need to explain yourself when you end is when
you're in a level three exclusive, that person probably
deserves more of an explanation. But at this discovery date, it
is, you know, obviously, you know, we are just getting to
know each other, based on some of the things that you shared.
And some of the things that I know that are important to me, I
just feel like we're probably not a good match. I don't want
to pursue things any further, but I've really enjoyed getting
to know you. Well, could you tell me any more? No, I can't.
Okay, yeah, because I was texting a whole paragraph last
night, and then I didn't send it. And I'm like, No, I'm gonna
like, I don't need to explain every little thing that he did.
Like I've met him twice, you know? Yeah. I mean, you know,
I mean, you guys, I think I say this in the boundaries class.
Um, but I learned this in therapy, it's my new favorite
sentence that I learned, adults make statements, children
explain, like, so whenever I feel like I have to start
explaining myself, I'm going back to some childhood wound
that told me I needed to justify things to stand up for myself.
No, adults just make statements. So you don't want to see me
anymore? No, but thank you. I'm really proud of you, though.
Good job. I'm glad that you at least gave him another chance.
So that was very good. Okay. Great job. Okay. Um, Charlotte,
you are up.
Hi. Um, so I finally took the plunge this weekend and signed
up for online dating again. Okay. And I have a bunch of
questions. Um, so first, it's it's going well, I've been
pleasantly surprised that every one of the guys after a very
short amount of time has said, Can we talk on the phone, which
I'm not used to, usually, it's just like, endless messaging and
texting and everything. So that's great. So I did you know
what we talked about, which is suggest a video date, and
to them have been open to that. So one thing was my first question is, some of them were like,
oh, I want to do a phone call instead. And is it okay if I just like, insist, you know, on video,
or, I mean, this on the video, if that's what you want, there are plenty of women in this community
that love starting with a phone call. That's their comfort zone. So they're fine getting a Google
voice and starting with the phone call. For me, I want to make sure he is who he says he is. I want
to make sure those photos aren't 10 years old. I want to make sure he's not a scammer. I want to
make sure, and I'm a visual learner. I'm really good, like 80% of communication is body language,
tone, and inflection. And I feel like you can catch all that better in a video. So for me,
I like the video better. So I always say, hey, I won't always need to talk by video,
but the first conversation, I just kind of feel like it helps break the ice. I also am a visual
learner and I do better when I'm talking to somebody I'm just meeting when I can see them
face to face. That's what I say. And I just say like, and if they're like, you're being ridiculous,
I know, I'm sorry. Just give me this first video. And then I promise we can switch over back to
phone. And I've had men ditch me. I've had men go, eh. I've had men swear at me, tell me I'm
being ridiculous. I'm treating it like an interview. And I'm just like, I'm so sorry
that you feel that way. I wish you the very best. Because now at that point, now I'm digging in my
heels. I might have not cared, but now that he's not honoring my request, I just feel like men need
to be gentlemen. It's upon them to help us feel safe and secure. And so that's for me. So,
Charlie, if you don't mind talking on the phone first, then have at it, go get a Google voice
number so he doesn't know your personal number and do it phone. For me, I feel like I learn a lot
more by going to the video. Because I will say this, you guys, it's a yes until it's a no. I've
been able to say it's a no after one video date. I don't know that I would be able to do that after
a phone call, but I can do that after a video date. And it's not just because I'm not attracted
to him. It's like, how does he show up to the video date? Does he look nice? Is his house all
frumpy? I'm looking at all the things, all the things. So hopefully that helps. But again,
you're not going to be like, well, it's not safe. You're not going to give him that reason. You're
going to try to come up with the most authentic answer that just kind of stands your ground.
Okay, great. Two other quick questions. The first one is when you're just in a
perpetual, hi, how are you? How was your day? Like, just what's a good, like, first question
that I can ask? Because I just keep running into that. And I'm just like, I don't know what to ask.
Texting or on the video? Texting. Texting. Texting. Okay, so I always just like to say,
you know, past like, hi, hi, good morning. Good morning. How are you? How are you? Like,
I just go, I just go right in. I'm just like, hey, tell me about yourself. I'd love to hear,
you know, tell me about some of your interests, some of the things that you like to do,
and maybe share a bucket list item, like something that you like to do.
And if I, if I could tell, if I could tell they don't know what to do, and they're like,
oh, I don't know what to say. I'll say, let me go first. And remember, I just like vomited to
you before. And I want you guys to have your answers kind of ready. What is it that you,
I mean, I will say this. I know sometimes people are like, Jackie's like, well, you don't need to
tell them that you're a mother. I think you can say I'm a single mom, I have children living at
home, or I have a child living at home. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying that up
front. Nobody said it's a male or female. How old? You know, I can tell you all that later.
I just wanted you to know I was a mom, you know, kind of thing. You may not need to tell them that.
But like, think about, I always say, in those first few text messages, what am I willing to
say about me that I don't care if the entire world finds out? So for me, it was always like,
let me tell you a little bit about myself. I come from a big Italian family up north in Connecticut.
I've also lived in the West Coast. You know, I've been here for 20 years. You know, I love to cook,
I'm outgoing, I'll try anything once. I love theater, but I also love college sports. I've
worked in healthcare. That's what I say. I worked in healthcare. Now you guys, at one point, I was
the CEO of a nonprofit. They don't even know any of that. I worked in healthcare. Keep it very broad.
Don't tell them my job title, kind of thing. You know, I'm, you know, I'm a, I'm a middle child.
Um, you know, you know, my favorite, you know,
Oh, sport, you know, I used to be a cheerleader.
My favorite class in high school was math.
I mean, I don't know.
I just try to think of all the,
I love to, you know, random facts about me.
I can still use a hula hoop
and I was in Sports Illustrated.
I mean, like, so like I try to have fun
and serious things about me ready to go.
So tell me a little bit about you.
What do you like to do?
What do you do for fun?
You know, on a rainy day, you know, you're at the beach,
you know, like, but you know, like if you're at the,
if you're on a beach vacation and it's raining,
what's your alternative plan on a beach day?
Like, you know, just try to think of like
some super creative ways to find out
just some basic stuff about them.
And again, back to that faith thing,
I always ask that question of what things do you do
that are taking up the majority of your time these days?
Cause you know how you say, like, what do you do for fun?
I don't know about y'all,
but sometimes I don't have enough fun.
Like sometimes I'm just busting my ass, getting stuff done.
And I think it's a hard question to answer
cause we all want to make up crap.
Like, oh, I love traveling and I love writing
and making sculptures and like photography.
Like we come up with all these things
we wish we were doing if we actually had the time.
Honestly, on my free time, I'm exhausted.
So I'm Netflixing 10 seasons of Heartland.
That's what I'm really doing.
Like, you know what I'm saying?
So I try to ask those questions in a way
that just make it more honest.
All right, what was your last question?
That's helpful, thanks.
Okay, just a practical, well, sort of practical question.
So one of the guys that I matched with on Facebook
just kept like making comments in my picture.
And then he said he was going home to look at my pictures.
And then he said he was fantasizing about me with my pic.
I was like, I think that's a red flag.
And so I just said, that's making me feel uncomfortable.
You know, we haven't really talked.
He didn't ask me any other questions or anything.
I was like, so I think I did the right thing, yeah?
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
If it sounds creepy, probably it's creepy.
Yeah, all right, great.
One more thing, sorry, real quick.
On Facebook dating, if the match disappears,
does that mean they unmatched you?
And do you unmatch someone just by hitting that
delete the conversation?
Is that how you do that?
Deleting conversation does get rid of them.
So one of two reasons gets them gone.
One, he's deleted the conversation with you
or B, Facebook found out it was a scam.
Okay.
So sometimes that happens too.
If I wanna end something with someone, I just hit delete.
Delete the conversation.
Great, thank you.
Okay, Kelly, you are up.
Hi, I was the one with the anxious attachment question.
That's me.
Okay, what do you wanna know?
Just like, how do you even like start working through it?
So it was, I think it was Alison when she shared like,
oh, you know, I didn't go into like
any of my anxious attachment, you know, things
like being obsessed about whether he'll like me or not.
And I was like, oh, that's where I get like stuck sometimes.
And I'm new to phase two.
So I'm still like learning.
So have you watched the anxious attachment videos yet?
That I was asking in that question,
like where they were, cause I couldn't find them.
Okay, so they should be in your portal.
Yes, I found them now.
Yeah.
You have since found them.
Okay, so definitely watch them.
And in there, you guys, I'm gonna share my,
like, I'm gonna share my screen.
Don't make fun of me for all of the stuff
that's on my desktop.
I know it's bad.
But I wanna show you the attachment style.
I just, I gotta move this.
I wanna show you the attachment style cheat sheet.
So there are cheat sheets in the attachment style videos.
So you were asking,
cracking someone else's attachment style.
So this is a really good one.
Anxious attachment, plays games to keep your,
and now obviously this is the extreme of all of them.
To keep your attention interest,
has difficulty explaining what's bothering them
and expects you to already know.
Y'all, how many of us go,
well, you should just know what I'm thinking.
Like, no, ask for what you need.
People can't read your mind.
Acts out when they're feeling insecure
about your attention or affection.
So if you're operating in your anxious attachment,
you will start to act a little bit like a toddler.
You really will.
Makes everything in the relationship about them.
It's not that you're selfish.
It's just that you start to think everything is about you.
Oh, he didn't call me tonight.
That's about me.
Oh my gosh, he sounded really, you know, sure.
Oh, it's about me.
It could have just been that he's tired.
You're constantly preoccupied with where the relationship is going.
Focuses on the small acts and then suspicion of being unfaithful.
So, I wanted you guys to just see this,
just so you can see that there is that spreadsheet that goes with it.
So, watch it.
It's a three-part series.
So, there's no way I can get to it.
But, that's how you, so when you're feeling you're anxious,
how you help not be anxious, because that's me.
I used to be anxious attachment.
You have to add the pause.
You cannot say what you're thinking in the moment you're thinking it,
because your anxious voice will get you in trouble every time.
If you feel like your throat is constricting
and the hair is on the back of your neck,
you need to do breathing exercises.
You need to go pray.
You need to go take a run, take a walk,
whatever you need to do to de-escalate.
What you can't do in a relationship is go to the other person
when you're in that heightened anxious cray-cray.
Do you know what I'm saying?
So, like when you're anxious, you know,
because you can feel it, like your heart's racing.
You're like all tingling, constricted.
You're like sweats.
Like you have to be able to get,
you have to deregulate yourself out of that physical state.
You've got to calm yourself down.
Like I do box breathing.
Box breathing is just one of the things that I do,
but box breathing is you inhale four beats.
You actually draw a box.
Inhale, hold your breath.
Exhale, hold your breath.
And you lap around like five times,
and that will actually bring down your breathing.
And usually you need to write it out.
Like what is it that I'm really afraid of?
What's truth?
What do I know to be true?
Instead of when you have to ask questions in a relationship,
you want to ask curious questions.
You guys, this is good for everybody.
Ask curious questions.
Don't ask why.
We already say that why puts people on defensive.
Wow, you mentioned that.
I'm really curious.
Tell me more.
I'm curious.
Tell me more.
Like, or with the fireman.
I'm curious.
You brought this up twice.
So you said that you, tell me more about that
because you said that you weren't bothered by it,
but you've brought it up twice.
So what else is behind you bringing it up?
I'm really curious.
Tell me more.
So that's how an anxious attachment
could get some of those answers
without going, you know?
Does it feel like I kind of,
because for me, it's like when I'm away from the person,
like my mind just runs away.
And then because like, I don't,
so I'm Australian and we grew up,
no feelings, no nothing,
like there's feelings, run away.
And so I find then that like,
in order to deal with that level of anxiety
and the like, okay,
I don't want to deal with potential fallout.
I'll then like switch to avoidant
because I'll just like shut down going on.
Yeah.
Yeah, I got the great combo.
Yeah, me too.
I get it girl.
All right.
So just make sure you drink a lot of chamomile tea.
But I will say this,
learn the art of asking curious questions
because that will probably start to get at
some of the answers that you need
without the other person feeling like you're crazy.
Yeah.
Okay, that's awesome.
And then go watch the videos
and that'll help you some more.
And then if you have more questions,
you can come back.
Dawn, you are up.
I can't hear you Dawn.
Are you?
What?
Can you hear me now?
I can now.
Yep.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I mean, I'm yeah,
this microphone should be working.
I had two,
one or two questions about the dating apps,
working on the dating apps
and also of my dating update.
So I had one,
I had one video called
that was supposed to be scheduled.
So I showed up for it
and the guy did not.
So he did not show up.
So he totally canceled out,
did not tell me anything.
Was this a live date or a video date?
No, it was a video date.
It was the first video date.
Okay.
So what I did is so I said,
I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.
Maybe he was running late.
So I texted him
and he just totally ghosted and left me.
So when I commented about it on phase two,
Jackie commented on it
and she said that he possibly was a scammer.
So I've been using different messaging apps.
So I use Telegram and I use.
WhatsApp. And I wanted to ask about that because Jackie had
mentioned that scammers use those apps, Telegram and
WhatsApp. But I use those apps for everything. So all my
groups, all my communities, when I can do video calls, that's
what I'm on. So when I did a video call, I said, Oh, well,
let's go on WhatsApp, or let's go on Telegram, because I'm
already on there. And it's not my real number. So I'm not even
using my my real cell phone number. So when I called the
guy, the phone did ring, and there was a voice message, which
was his voice, but it did not answer. He didn't answer. So
four days later, he texted me back and just said, Sorry, and
said, I'm sorry. And was just like, Hi, and I blessed and
blocked him. I said, No, I'm not going to play those games. You're
gone. You know, so then the second guy did not want to do a
video call at all. And so he wanted the telephone call. And I
was like, he said, No, I want to see what you know, what you
look like, I wanted to do the video. So I said, Well, let's
just go on Telegram or WhatsApp, but we can just talk. And so he
also like fizzled out. So I was pretty disappointed and
frustrated with this. Because now it's like, I'm back on the
texting again. So I have three or four other guys on these
tabs, you know that I'm texting back and forth. And I'm just
kind of like, you know, we text and then we text and then three
days go by. And then they say, Hi, how are you doing? How's
your weekend? What's going on? And I'm like the same way. I
love to text. So I'm the same. Oh, I'm doing fine. I'm doing
great. How was your weekend? And I just can't seem to get to like,
step two with this.
All right. I'm gonna I'm gonna stop you. I'm gonna help you
out. Because I want to I want to actually I need it. Okay, I'm
just taking off speaker view for just a sec. Um, alright, so
first, in general, people who want to get off the app
immediately, use something like Telegram or WhatsApp, because
they're scammers, and they want to get you off the app, they
want to switch to an email, switch to a phone number,
switch to a WhatsApp. That doesn't mean everybody who uses
WhatsApp is a scammer. You guys, when I'm in when I'm on mission
trips, we use WhatsApp because not everybody has an iPhone. So
it WhatsApp is a great place to combine a contact list of
people who are on Android and iPhone users. And you can video
chat there. And you can talk on the phone there. So my
boyfriend has an Android. And so our first video date was on
Well, no, I actually gave him a zoom account. But then it was on
WhatsApp. Because that's his number. So I don't want you guys
to think that WhatsApp in it of itself is a scam artist. What
makes it a scam is if the very first or second conversation
they're immediately trying to move to that. So that's, so
that's what I want to say about sites. Now, Don, do not be
discouraged. I am sure every single week, I found scammers
every week. And just because they don't want to get on video,
you guys doesn't mean they're a scammer. It literally could
mean they are now 50 pounds heavier than the photos they
showed you, or 10 years older than the photos they showed you.
So not all people want to get on camera because they don't want
to get a camera because they're a scammer. Some people truly are
realizing up the jig is going to be up. And I don't know why they
think a first they're going to try to woo you on the phone,
because they're hoping by the time you get to a live date,
that you're going to be okay that they look 50 pounds
overweight, or that they don't look like that photo anymore.
For some reason, you trying to go to the video feels like
they've been called out sooner. So don't assume that. So and so
Don, how you get away from texting is you stop texting. If
you keep BSing your way in a text conversation, then they
will keep texting you. So here's what I say this is for everybody
you guys, you know, I really enjoy texting you as I mentioned
in my profile, I am looking to date in real life. So I
actually don't talk to anybody longer than a week texting. The
next thing I do is move to a video date. So that's what I'm
ready to do. If you don't want to do that, no harm, no foul. I
wish you the very best. I'm just not in this for texting. I hate
texting. Even if you love texting, Don, because you just
have to stop texting. If you want to go date, you have to
stop texting. And so and you're either going to lose them, or
he's going to book the video date. And if you lose them, let
it go. You're otherwise you're just wasting your typing fingers
on it. So that's my advice to you. Keep going. Do not give up.
No question. Everybody have another question. So a lot of
these
some dating apps. I also find out like if they're the free dating apps, you don't like for me,
if you really, for me, I'm not getting a lot of action on my free dating apps. I had to pay,
you know, to be able to get the guys that I see, they can like me, that are like me,
that are texting, they can message me. So now it's like, when I moved to other dating apps,
they like Christian Mingle is an excellent site, which I did really successful for a while back,
but you have to pay for it. If you go on Christian Cafe, you have to pay for it.
Facebook is free. Don, what's your question? Don, what's your question?
The question is, is the difference between paying for, is it worth to pay for these dating sites?
Because you can have to pay for the dating sites. I have found, well, I found my person on Facebook,
a lot of us in this community all made fun of Facebook dating. And so many of us have found
our person on Facebook dating, which is free. You can actually use Hinge free. I was paying for it
and somebody was like, you don't need to pay for Hinge. Now the difference with Hinge is when you
don't pay for it, you can't see the next person. So once somebody gets matched to you, you have to
decide before you can see the next person. I was fine with that. And I think Bumble does the same
thing. So I would say always do a combination of one free site, one paying site. I do not have the,
I never had the budget to pay for three different sites. So I would never pay for more than one at
a time. The most success we have seen here in our community, Facebook dating, Hinge, Bumble, Upward,
Match, eHarmony, Salt, Holi. Those are all, you have to pay for those too though, yeah. Right. So that's my,
I have to keep, I have to keep moving, Dawn. Have to keep moving. All right, Melissa, Dawn, you're up.
Okay, well, thank you. I caught a bouquet at my niece's wedding. So that was kind of interesting.
Although y'all, it didn't really work because I caught a different bouquet like 15 or 20 years ago
at another relative's wedding. So anyway, just let's hope for the best. Yeah, yeah, I love it though.
We're gonna, we're gonna claim that it means something this time. Okay, thank you for that.
So I'd like to give an update regarding the guy that I finally met him in person. It has been
four, like it had been five or six weeks that we had been, or five, that we had been like
FaceTiming, you know, some texting, but mostly, you know, FaceTiming. And so whenever we met,
we met at this ice cream place because I was back in Texas for the wedding. And so he drove to me,
it was actually much cheaper for him in the long run because I was way closer to him at that point.
And so, but he came to where my family was and that not to their house, but like to the ice cream
place. And at first I walked in and I was like, where is he? And then he walked to the front door
and he like gave me this really warm hug. Like it was very electric, that hug. And then I was
kind of like discombobulated after that because I was like, it was like very electric. And so,
and I was just like, yeah. And so then I was trying to like gather my composure or whatever.
And so like, we were both like, kind of like we could both build a chemistry. So we're like trying
to be normal, but obviously. Yeah. Interesting. And then, so then we go to the ice cream counter
to like, you know, get ice cream, obviously that's why we're there. And so, but then it
comes to the time to pay. And so keep in mind, I just went from this high of like very supercharged,
like this is like electric, like, I mean, just like very, whoa. Okay. And then a lot of times
in my experience, that's the thing that's been missing. You know what I mean? It's like, I'm
always like, oh, he's such a good guy. And I'm like trying to convince myself to be attracted
to him or whatever. And that's usually been my case. And so anyway, so we go to the counter
and I was like, and he was like, would you like to split the cost? And I said, well, I would
like I said, if you would like to pay for me, I would appreciate it. You said this? I did. Yes.
I said, but if you don't want to, then I respect your choice. And so anyway, so basically he said
he didn't really want to pay because he said, this is just this is just a meeting of friends.
I'm thinking that hug was not a friend hug. I'm sir, please. And so, so I was just like,
I, so it went from this like high, high to like suddenly, but part of that I think is partly
because, you know, he's been smitten with me like the whole time. And I've been the one that's like,
I'm not ready to be exclusive. Like he's only focused on me this whole time. And so,
I know, but if he was only focused on you, then the dude needed to pick up the tab. It's ice
cream. Was it less than $10? Well, no, actually. And so like it's kind of expensive ice cream,
but what ended up happening, I just checked my bank statement today. And it turns out that I've
ended up paying for both of us. I thought you didn't. I said, I'd like to pay for mine. And
he was supposed to pay for his, I didn't say that. I said, I'll pay for me and you can pay for you.
If that's how you would like to do it.
But then I took my statement.
So I don't know if it was like the fault of the ice cream place, but I ended up,
it was very unattractive and I was so like scattered in my brain after that point.
I was like, Kent does not compute, does not compute.
Like, you know what I mean?
So like, cause anyway, and so.
Yes, I agree.
And so, um, so anyway, then I was like completely, I was like, this is over.
Like, I was like, this is, this is a note I was thinking, but then I was like, okay,
I need to be measured and I need to be reasonable and I need to like, you
know, maybe communicate some things.
So this is my internal dialogue.
So, but I am very like discombobulated emotionally at this point.
So, um, so what happened is, um, so we're sitting there and I'm just feeling
so extremely unattracted to him.
Like I went from feeling like super attractive when we first met to like,
now I'm like, no, it's, it's over.
You see ladies, by the way, this is why Jackie says it's a yes until it's a no,
because their character can change your attraction to them, not
just their physical attraction.
Okay.
Keep going.
And are you men?
And so, so anyway, so that's where that was at.
But then I thought, you know, he's never had a Christian relationship.
You know, he's also younger.
And I think there's like a different, like understanding.
It's very confusing out on these daties, dating streets, because it's
like, who pays what's right?
I don't even know.
And you're giving him too much credit.
So keep going, keep going on the date.
I want to hear.
So what happens is for the next three hours, um, now I wasn't planning on
having it this long, but I'm very much a quality time and a conversationalist.
And I'm also quite a good listener from what I'm told by my friends.
So I was on this, um, you know, I was listening for about three hours to him
talk about different, um, ideas.
He was having some random theories, you know, and I'm kind of intellectual myself.
So I was, you know, being a sounding board for him, but then after about
three hours, he finally checked in with me and I had said in the middle
of that, I said, Hey, I'd really love for you to ask me a question.
Is there anything you want to know?
And he asked me a question, but then he ultimately turned
it back around to himself.
And so, um, anyway, and so anyway, so then what happened, so we're sitting
at this park bench or like this picnic table outside of this part at this point.
And he decides to check in with me.
This is after, you know, three hours of this.
And I'm just thinking, okay, this guy has bought me nothing.
I have listened to him for almost three solid hours.
And, um, and I, and so he was like, you know, I just wanted to check in with you.
Like, how are you doing?
And I said, I'm feeling very missed.
I'm feeling very missed.
Like, like you are not seeing me or whatever.
And so then he was like, he took it really well.
He was like, you know, I'm so sorry.
And you know, um, why don't we have a reset and let's go to a restaurant and
like, and so then he asked me a question on the way to the restaurant and, but
then, you know, and then it didn't just, Melissa, just put pause, you guys
stop the conversation in the chat.
You guys, some of you have the wrong information.
I don't want y'all getting a tizzy.
Let's focus on Melissa.
I will answer all that stuff.
Okay.
Thanks.
Keep going.
Um, okay.
And so anyway, so basically, um, I, you know, so over dinner, um, I essentially,
I kind of accepted that.
So you had dinner with him after this, after the ice cream, you ate dinner?
I did because again, I'm trying to give him an opportunity for redemption.
And also because I don't want to assume in this first meeting, you know, he's
a new Christian, he's still trying to learn how to date and he needs some help.
Keep going, Melissa.
You're overexplaining for him.
Keep going.
So anyway, so what happened is then, um, you know, now it did turn out that about
70% of the dinner conversation was still about him, but it was actually things
that I really wanted to learn anyway.
So I just sort of accepted.
He's telling me about his purpose, his career, his spiritual community.
And these were questions I wanted to know.
So I just embraced that, let it be what it was.
I did offer things, you know, and, and just, even if you maybe didn't know how
to ask the most wonderful questions every second, I did still initiate and
say things about myself and whatnot.
Okay.
So let's get to the time when we come to pay at this point, I haven't expressed
my displeasure that he had not paid for my ice cream, but whenever he, whenever
the lady came, she brought the bill, assuming I'm sure that he's going to pick
up the bill, it's a table of two clearly looks like a date.
So anyway, um, he, he, he turned to me and said, would you like to split this?
I would not like to split this.
I would like, and, um, I said, I would like you to pay.
And I said, um, I, I want to feel feminine and I do not feel feminine
when I am paying my own way.
And I said, if you would like me to be one of the guys, then sure.
I will pay for myself and we're going to be bros.
And I said, however, if you would like me to be a feminine woman, I would
if you would like me to be a feminine woman and you would like to be a
masculine man, then I would encourage you to pay, but it's your choice.
And so, um, so then he was like, okay.
And so he decided to pay, he paid.
And then I looked at him and very sweetly said, thank you so much.
I really appreciate it.
And so then, um, and so then I.
I kind of gained, regained some attraction for him at that point.
Because when I gave him feedback, he did receive it and he did respond.
He was not defensive.
And so showing that, and he appreciates the sincerity and the authenticity.
Um, and so he is all about growing, um, in terms of, you know, he's, he's
not, not so like sensitive, but he's not, he's not gonna be like,
Oh, why did you say that?
No, he took it and, and then he adapted and changed.
So, um, we did like, you know, like we played a game cause I remember you told
me, Melissa, I have a lot of people that have questions, so I want you to kind
of, you know, I just, I, we can't get the whole blow by blow, so give me, give
me your overall, what, what positives would you have to say about him?
Give me all the positives.
So I would say the fact that, and this may seem small to some people, but it's
the fact that we have strong mutual physical attraction is like very different.
Um, the fact that like we are, you know, we both speak, you know, the same like
languages, and so we're able to communicate in different ways.
We did play a game together and that was fun.
Cause you told me to bring a game.
So I did.
Um, now that part went well.
So you had a good date.
You had a good date for the money part.
You had a good date.
I would say yes.
And when I gave him feedback again, he responded.
And then the next day he sent me a text saying, because I expressed some
of my concerns and reservations, I was very real with him.
And so then he sent me a text the next day and said that he was going to be fasting
for this coming week and that he was going to go get deliverance and that he's
going to counseling, that he's doing all of those things now and, and so he's
taking action and so I appreciate that.
And I can respect that.
And I, you know, cheered him on that.
And so a little bit more information.
Cause we were going to have you ask him what his plans are about getting out
of the house with mom, like basically.
Yes, he does have plans and we talked about those.
Um, you know, I, yes, so he is, he is moving in that direction, but again,
it's going to take quite a bit of patience on my end and, you know, likely,
I mean, honestly, we'll probably never be on the same financial level just because
we're starting at very different points.
And that does make me a little bit nervous.
Um, because
most of all Melissa, why you're still like, why do you still want to keep going
with this guy?
Cause you caught, you are clearly, I can just tell you are the more articulate,
you are the more financially secure, you are the more stable, you're further
along in your faith.
Like it's going to be really hard for you to not lead this and you're older than
him, so it's going to be really hard for you to not lead.
So tell me, are you still talking to him?
Do you still want to talk to him?
And if you do, tell me why.
Um, well I am, but I, I'm not, I'm not, I still want to keep my options open.
I just don't want to cut it off.
In three weeks I'm going to be back in Texas and I'll be there for five to six
weeks.
And so I can see him in person for, you know, like at least once a week or like
on a weekend.
And I feel like I'd get more information at that point.
I think just because like, we have some things in common that are not always
frequent to have in common.
Like, you know, like we have an intellectual connection and you know, we
just have like some things that are kind of special, but so I kind of hesitate to
just throw this away, but, um, you know, because like, I don't know though, but
yeah, so I feel torn.
I really do.
I do feel torn and you know, I don't know.
So I kind of hate to just make a hard cut and just, then it's like, okay, well
maybe if I had waited a few more months, he would have gotten in a really good
place.
And then I would have been like, you know what I mean?
Super like attracted to him on another level because let's say, you know, he
realized, oh, I need to be a generous masculine man and I need to whatever.
All right.
So, so what you need to do going, if you're going to still give this man your
attention, do not lead him, do not guide him, do not help him, do not coach him.
See how he takes over the relationship.
And if he starts to lead, because if you keep coaching him, you're going to need
to keep coaching him.
The other thing you need to do is aggressively put your attention, um,
elsewhere as well.
So like, don't, if you are, if, if you're giving him free rent in your head, even
though you're saying you're open to other men, you're not, if you're not taking
him out of your brain, if you are analyzing this dating relationship in between all
of the conversations.
And so my strong encouragement is if you, my, I will say this, my gut tells me
you're too far.
are ahead of him in every area of your life.
And that while it's cute to have some of these attractions,
you will grow weary of leading.
That's my opinion.
I'm willing to be wrong,
and I'm willing for you to hang in there
and keep talking to him.
My advice is if you're gonna keep talking to him,
coach, not at all.
Do not help him see how he leads
and make sure that when he's not talking to you,
you're not analyzing any of it.
You're just keeping a note of it after the calls,
after the dates, you jot down a few notes
and you walk away and put your attention somewhere else.
Like try that and see what happens, okay?
I appreciate that.
And I want to like, yeah, I just, I don't,
and I think I'm just gonna have to tell him
if he's like, hey, I wanna be exclusive.
Cause what he told me is like, I feel your energy
and like, I just feel like so much life.
No, it just, here's what you can just say.
It's really blunt.
What's his name?
Juan Carlos.
Yeah, okay.
I can't even pronounce that.
You just said that so nicely though.
You can just say, look, you know what?
For me to be exclusive,
I need to know that you're in a place
to lead this relationship.
And right now I don't see that yet,
but I'm open to seeing if you can be that leader, period.
Done.
Okay, Rachel, you're up.
Hi, so I have a couple of questions.
Now that I'm kind of thinking
of this anxious attachment style,
it's kind of scary to even think of getting out there.
I did look up on Google to see what was going on in my city.
And I did, I mean, I have posted also on Facebook,
but I did find that they're having like a bowling thing,
like a singles bowling night next, this coming Saturday.
So I signed up for it.
I invited like two ladies that,
from my church that are also single.
So it doesn't look, it doesn't feel so awkward.
Cause I mean, I have not, I have not been,
gosh, I haven't had a day in like 20 something years.
But I'm also having, like I have some limitations.
I have a knee that is bone on bone.
And that brings me insecurities
because sometimes like kind of limping here and there.
And I just, I don't even, I don't know what to expect.
And I'm a little bit, you know, in the afraid side of,
I don't know.
So let me help you.
You've not been out in a long time.
Oh my gosh, no.
Okay, you brought,
you're bringing some girls with you for your posse, right?
Okay, so can you just decide
that you're gonna go have fun and do something different
and have a great time with your girlfriends?
You're gonna see how you can find the joy in this,
that you're gonna laugh at every embarrassing,
awkward moment, that you don't overthink it.
And that you go like, you know what?
I am probably not gonna meet my husband here,
but I'm gonna learn so much
and I'm gonna make sure I have fun
and I bring joy into the room.
Can you just decide to do that?
Because you guys,
like when we go into these early situations,
let yourself off the hook.
That's how I treated every online dating thing.
I never, ever expected that I would find my person online.
No one made fun of online dating more than me, no one.
I just use it as a tool and a place to practice.
So Rachel, consider this practice.
Like I'm gonna go dress up in my most favorite outfit.
I'm gonna feel girly.
I'm gonna practice being feminine.
I'm gonna let men open the door for me.
I'm gonna find something nice to say
about every guy that I meet.
I'm gonna try to like ask a funny question.
And if I get tongue tied, I'm gonna be like,
well, I just learned something there.
So like, I wanna free you to go into this experience
with your girlfriends and just have fun.
This is just practice.
You do not need to meet your husband that night.
You don't.
You need to learn how to have fun.
Isn't that crazy?
Like we have to learn how to have fun.
Like, right.
Baby, I'm not telling you this because I didn't do it.
Like the reason why Jackie has me teach this check-in
is because I did it all wrong first, right?
And I learned, and I went on a million dates
and I just, I kind of worked the program kind of thing
and slogged it out.
And I had a lot of like, oh, he's so great.
She's not so great, you know?
So I'm just encouraging you to have fun.
I don't want you to like get pressure.
Don't overthink the questions, be silly.
And here's the thing,
if you ever get a question you don't know what to do with,
that's a really great question.
I don't think I know the answer to that
off the top of my head.
I'm gonna have to think about that.
You guys, did you guys know
that that's an acceptable answer?
That's a really great question.
No one's asked me that.
I think I'm gonna need a little time to think about that.
If we ever see each other again,
I'll be happy to answer that question.
That is okay.
You don't always have to have an answer.
If somebody asks you a question that's too personal,
you know what?
That's a really great question.
I'm sure I would wanna know the answer to that
if I were you.
It's just too soon for me to talk about that.
I'm sure you understand.
We keep getting to know each other.
I will find the time to tell you that.
Now's not it.
Boom.
I'll probably text you when I'm out.
No, I'm just kidding.
So I can get these quick answers.
I know.
Will always says she like,
remember that, was it Cyrano Diversi?
Yeah, then you put that in the ear.
Yeah, then feed it.
Well, just be talking to your girlfriends
and just always be pepping each other up,
encouraging each other on.
And it's okay to take a pause.
You guys, I've done this in interviews.
It's the best skill in an interview.
Wow.
That was a really great question.
Let me think about that for a minute.
A, you just took 20 seconds to think about it.
B, you're now allowing for a pregnant pause
and you're showing confidence
that you can handle a pregnant pause.
That is the most confident thing somebody can do
during an interview and meeting a guy.
That's a great question.
Let me just think about that for a minute.
And you can even close your eyes.
Okay.
Here's what I wanna tell you right now.
I might have a better answer for you tomorrow,
but here's my immediate answer now.
Close your eyes.
Take away the gaze.
Take away the freak out.
So I wanna hear next week that you had fun,
no matter what, okay?
Okay.
Got it.
Okay.
Is it Coral?
Coral.
You're muted, girl.
You're muted still.
And you're still muted.
Okay, sorry.
Hi, Renee.
How are you?
Okay, so I have a question
and I'm chatting with two guys right now.
I had a one date with one guy.
And then so we have set up another date this Saturday.
So these two guys are quite different.
One is like a more senior, very established,
so very well to do, have lots of time to have fun.
And then, but he, I don't think he is a churchgoer, okay?
But he's very mature and wise and very good listener.
So that's his strength.
And then the second guy, I haven't met him.
I did a video quick chat just to know
that he is who he says he is.
And he's younger and he is in IT and a confident guy.
So I think both guys are quite healthy.
I don't know much about them yet,
but my question is, of course,
we are not trying to find a husband right away.
This is just like so initial, right?
But I do find that in my mind,
I'm thinking about who eventually,
if there's a possibility,
like how do I know which person is better,
like more suited or is it right now,
should I just go and just to have fun and just chat?
I'm so glad you asked that.
Okay, so first, definitely go to just have fun.
You do not need to make up your mind right away.
You can actually go on a few dates with both of them.
If you're gonna be dating more than one person
at the same time,
we just encourage you guys to keep the romance out of it.
We don't want you to be making out
with three different guys.
It gets really confusing.
So you're not trying to find a husband in your first date.
You're just trying to find the guy
that you wanna see the next time.
That's it.
Do you have enough of a good time to book a second date?
That's, so you don't, you know what I'm saying?
Like, so Carl, you're out with, you know,
bachelor number one and you're like,
I had a really good time.
There was a few questions, eh,
cause as Jackie will say, everybody has yellow flags.
Did y'all know you have yellow flags?
I've got yellow flags.
You got triggers, he's got triggers.
You got baggage, he's got baggage.
Okay, so you, on those first dates,
you only wanna decide, do I wanna see him again?
That's it, right?
And you get to decide that with like two, three,
four guys at the same time.
I will say this.
There are some people that could do level two dating.
When I hear Jackie say level two dating
for like two to three months,
I think that's a long time to go out on it.
I will say this, if your schedule only allows
for you to see each other two or three times,
I could see it taking two months.
But if you guys are local and he books like a date
every week and by date number four,
I will say this personally by date number four,
I know if I wanna be exclusive with the guy.
I still haven't decided if I wanna marry him,
but I know if I'm ready to turn my attention to just him,
which I call level 3A.
Jackie doesn't have A and B, it's what I call level 3A.
Level 3A is you wanna just talk to me?
Awesome, I just wanna talk to you.
I'm like, there's some other guys, I'm like, eh.
And so I just put everything else on pause.
It doesn't mean I closed all the apps
and canceled all my things.
It just means I press pause and I focus on one guy.
So for these first couple of dates,
you can have as many dates as you want with these guys.
I would say by date three or four,
don't be surprised if someone's gonna wanna lock it in.
And at that point you go, you know what?
And then you can decide, am I willing to date just him?
Maybe not, and then you don't have to.
You can say, you know what?
I'm kind of doing this program.
I'm really, I used to jump into relationships too quickly.
It's not that I'm dying to go out with other men,
but right now I just wanna keep getting to know you.
I just wanna keep getting to know you.
So if you haven't figured that out yet,
those first dates are just about making sure
you get to the next date.
Does that help?
Yeah, that's very helpful.
So would you say that even at the beginning,
I feel you still need to give the energy, right?
Like keep the text going,
so you still maintain that-
Yes, but you don't have to.
Yeah, so if you are level two dating with somebody,
you do not need to text every single day
and talk on the phone every single day.
That to me is boyfriend level.
Like to me, now you can text every day,
but you don't have to.
It's the other person people doing that.
So you just kind of reciprocate.
Well, you can reciprocate at the pace
that you feel like reciprocating.
Now, Jackie would say match their,
she would say match their energy if you want to.
If you wanna slow him down, you might need to slow it down.
And you can even say, hey, you know what?
Like, honestly, I'm super busy right now
and I'm just getting to know you.
And I, you know what?
It is okay if we don't text every single day.
So I really am enjoying getting to know you.
I just, you can even have this boundary, you guys.
I'm enjoying getting to know you.
I really like your company.
I tend to not text every single day
with somebody I'm just getting to know.
I don't have that bandwidth.
That's something I reserve for an exclusive relationship.
And I'm just not there yet.
It's okay for you to set that boundary.
But what you don't wanna do is play games
and just not respond to him.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Like, he can't read your mind.
So you have to tell him.
Do you think that if they expect you to get back,
that they expect this is kind of,
that it's kind of-
That's why you have to ask for what you need
and you have to state your boundary.
This way he knows where you stand.
She's still interested.
She just told me she does not have the bandwidth
to text every single day.
Okay.
I'm gonna answer the question that was in the chat.
Okay, so phase one is about five weeks.
Phase two, we encourage you to stay here
for about four weeks.
We usually don't let you leave phase two sooner than three.
Some of you are like,
I watched all the videos, I'm ready to go.
Fine, I'm not gonna make you stay
even though I'm really fun.
But, you know, phase two is about three to four weeks.
You've watched all the videos,
you've come for this coaching.
Phase three, you guys,
here's the coaching that you get in phase three.
It's not the same.
Okay, here's the difference.
You're in a pool right now.
Like, look, there's only 34 of you online right now,
on the call right now.
So your chances of you getting your questions answered
are pretty stinking high
because there's less of you here.
When you go into the pool in phase three,
you're in a group with 800 people.
So we have a monthly thing called love seats.
It's just like this weekly check-in.
You go into the love seat
or the hot seat with Jackie directly
and she'll bring that up.
So that's monthly.
Then the other thing that she offers
is something called Ask Jackie,
which I think you guys already have access to
where you can submit a question.
She tries to do those Ask Jackies every other week.
So between an Ask Jackie and a love seat,
you're getting your dating questions answered
probably two to three times a month.
So it's-
not weekly like this.
The other thing is we have all of our co-ed live sessions
going on.
We have our single spotlight, we have our education nights.
And so you have a lot more interaction
with Jackie in phase three,
but you're in a pool of a lot larger number of people.
So that's why we encourage you to stay in phase two
for three to four weeks.
So you can get all this individualized attention here
so that when you get into the larger pool,
you're still getting coaching,
but you're getting coaching in a much larger audience.
If you're brave and you're willing to go in the hot seat
like you guys are doing tonight, you can.
I will say it's easier to get in the hot seat
when it's only 30 other people.
It feels a lot more intimidating for some people
when there's 250 people on the call
and potentially men in the room.
And so I just wanted to clarify that about phase three.
You should have, if you signed up correctly,
a email should have gotten triggered
when you complete the last video.
And it'll say, congratulations, you're done with phase two,
ready to go to phase three.
Unfortunately, the algorithm doesn't know
how fast you watch the videos.
So just cause you get that email,
what happens then is some of you try to join phase three
and Cheryl or Bethany will email you back saying,
dude, you just got to phase two.
We're making you stay there a couple more weeks.
And so then in a couple more weeks,
you then reapply to get in phase three
and then they let you in.
So hopefully that helped explain it.
Okay, I'm gonna let Audra go next.
iPad person, I'll try to get,
I'm gonna try to read your thing too and get to that.
But Audra, you're up.
Hey, Renee.
Hey.
Thank you.
So I wanted to share an update.
I've been on five dates from Friday to Monday.
Okay.
I just kind of went all in, got to listening to videos
and I wanted to share about two of them.
So I actually went to the coffee shop Saturday morning
to meet another guy and met a guy in line.
Wait, are you the chick that met the guy in line
and you had a date with two men?
Yeah, did you do that?
Okay, girlfriend.
I read that.
I don't know how you pulled that off.
Y'all, she was meeting a guy for coffee,
in line getting coffee,
started flirting with the guy in line
and somehow invited him to join her on her date.
How did the guy on the original date not get offended?
Because I have to be honest,
if I were a chick and a guy like invited another chick
to my date, I would have been so out of there.
So how did you manage for him to not feel dissed?
Well, it was so funny because like,
I didn't even know if he was really seeing it as a date
because he was kind of wishy-washy,
like saying that he was looking for good community.
And so I was like, okay.
And then-
Okay, so he kind of gave you an out per se
to make you feel like you could do this.
Well, what do you think?
You had a great time with both of them at the same time.
Well, I really liked the guy I met at the coffee shop.
So which one?
So you liked the guy that you met spontaneously more?
Yeah.
Has he called you again?
He asked me out that evening, like to go out that evening.
And so I did.
And like, oh my gosh,
there was like immediate chemistry and attraction.
And like, he had just moved back from living overseas.
He's like three and a half years older than me,
well-educated, successful, like all this stuff.
But I found out that he doesn't have a relationship with God.
And I used your line.
Yeah, I used your line when we went to get a drink.
And I was just saying like,
if you could lose one of your senses, what would it be?
And he said, smell.
And then I said, hearing.
And then this guy, it was like going,
well, he throws out, but not touch
because then you can't have sex.
And then I just froze.
And then like after that, he started rubbing my back
and it was just like, oh my gosh, it was so uncomfortable.
But like, I was so attracted to him.
So I just like kept going with the date.
And then by the end of the night, he was like,
I think it just became really clear to me
that he would love bombing me.
And like trying to like take, you know,
just like come on to me basically.
And he was like playing this little game of like,
do you like me?
Like, why won't you sit close to me?
And I was like, this is close enough.
And I.
said to him, you know, like, what were you hoping to have happen? And he didn't say anything. He
just walked me back to my car. But he was also like saying these things. You know, asking if
I was done traveling and like wanted to settle down in the city, and saying that he was more
open to faith now. But at the end of the day, I just told him no, like I let him go. And I said,
our values are too far apart. Good. Thank you. But that's probably true. I mean,
he was probably just going to throw in the faith stuff just to hook you girl.
Yeah, that's true. Okay. And here's the thing, you guys. It is really hot. I'm glad you were
very honest about that. You guys. It is really easy for us to say or go Audra, why did you not
just kick him to the curb the minute he brought up sex? Because he was cute. And there was
chemistry. And you guys are in this to be a day. And you're human. And sometimes when you're
physically attracted to somebody, you think you can keep it at bay. You think like, oh, I'm so
like, I'm going to bring Jesus into his life. And I'm going to help him be abstinent. No. But we
all get the allure. I'm glad that you ended it. Because as Jackie would say, you guys, it's pretty
much a red flag. If men are being, if they're given any form of sexual conversation or innuendo
in the first conversation and getting to know you, it's a priority in their life. At the end of the
day, it's a priority in their life. Even if, even if he's not a douchebag, sex is a priority in his
life. And that's not where you're at in yours. And I don't want you to have massive willpower.
You guys willpower will lose at all costs. Like y'all, I help run this program and like,
I have got to be careful with me and Rick sometimes. Like my willpower is not strong
enough all the time. I cannot rely on it. So did you have a question or did you just want to give
us an update? Oh yeah. Yes. I wanted to tell you about that, but then I wanted to tell you about
another guy that actually is showing that he's mature, masculine, marriage-minded,
a referral from a friend and he and I just went on our third date and he, at the end of the date,
he's going out of town this weekend for his brother's wedding, but he scheduled a call with
me for Sunday and he already made plans with me for next week for like our fourth in-person.
See, that is a man who's pursuing. Are you attracted to him?
So that's the difficulty. I'm totally thrown off because he's not typically the guy that I would
be attracted to, but like, I really like his personality. Like he's such a gentleman. Makes
me feel so safe and like intellectually. Yeah. Stick with it. Stick with it because,
yeah, I would say stick with it because if you enjoy his company, do you enjoy his company?
Yeah. If you enjoy his company, stick with it. Here's when it's too late. Like
there was one guy I dated way, way in the beginning of this program and I was not attracted to him,
but he was a good guy and everyone liked him and I kept thinking, oh, this is what normal
attraction is. Jackie said it's a yes until it's a no. Y'all, we talked about getting married and
having Simbas. There was something that we went away for the weekend and I had to sleep in the
same bed as him. Y'all, I didn't want to do a dang thing with him in that bed. Like that to me,
that was a big sign that it was not right. Like in the early part of dating, it is okay if you're
not completely attracted. I would say if you're about to get exclusive, your attraction needs to
be there. So you've got some time to decide, but I'm glad that you have the juxtapose. I'm glad
that you had guy over here who was like all about the touch and feel and make out. And then you got
pursue guy over here and you guys, that's the guy that's going to win the race. That's the guy
who's give him a chance. That's all I'm going to say. Give him a chance. Audra and I love that
you had both of those experiences in the same amount of time period. Okay. Thank you. Let me
look at this thing real quick. Isn't talking or planning on meeting a person after I told him a
few times via text? Okay. Okay. So Larissa, he's got to put his money where his mouth is. So
yeah, Larissa's chat in there is perfect. You guys, that's his example of why I don't like giving
out cell phone numbers, even if it's a Google number. If you're getting a guy that all he's
doing is texting with you and you say, Oh, well just give me my number. We'll talk on the phone.
You don't know that he's going to talk on the phone. He might just keep the texting BS going.
And so you're going to be brave Larissa.
You're gonna nip this in the bud.
You know what?
Hey dude, I was really clear
that I really wanna meet somebody in real life.
I find that texting just gets clunky
after a week or two, it's just enough.
At this point, I'm ready to move forward
and have a video chat with you.
At that point, after that video chat,
if we wanna exchange phone numbers, great.
If you're not ready for that,
you just get back to me when you are.
As far as after that, I'm just gonna wish you well.
And you just stop texting.
That's what you do.
You just have to be willing to stop texting.
Let's say I'm looking at the time,
so I'm gonna take the last three people here.
I've got Carla, Alexa, and Giselle?
Giseline?
Dang it, okay.
My vision is, somebody asked me tonight,
somebody was worried about me.
I have no makeup on and I'm exhausted.
And I don't know if I told you all this,
but I've had eight eye surgeries as a kid
and I only use one eye, so I use my left eye.
And when I'm super tired, my right eye just shuts.
It just stops even trying to see.
So I apologize.
I look really bad tonight.
Carla, you are up.
Right, thanks, Renee.
I posted in the Facebook page,
oh my gosh, I'm gonna cry.
So I went on a date on Friday night
and the guy asked me if I had kids.
So I'm 43 and I said, I was like, no.
And his reaction was like, oh, surprised.
Anyway, so totally triggered me.
So I've been in this,
I mean, I know it's still possible for me to have kids,
but I'm just in this deep grief
and I don't know how to keep dating.
I just don't really know what to do.
I also feel really sensitive about it now.
And that men are gonna think
that I'm like desperate to have kids.
So anyway, sorry, I wasn't gonna cry, but.
It's okay, it's okay.
All right, so you know what I'm gonna do for you?
And I'm gonna do this for any woman
who is worried about that,
who's worried about their age,
that it's too late to have kids.
I'm just gonna pray for you.
Father God, I just lift up Carla to you
and I lift up to any woman that's on this call
or watching this in replay,
that they've hit an age
where they're not sure if biologically
they're gonna be able to have children.
Father God, and just the sadness and the grief
that goes with that, the insecurity.
Father God, the sense of judgment
that may come from other people.
Father God, I just picture each woman
holding all of those feelings in a basket,
all that sadness and all that grief,
the guilt, the shame, the heaviness,
and that basket of all those feelings.
Father God, we lay them at your feet.
You died on the cross, even for that stuff.
You didn't just die on the cross for sin,
but you died on the cross for the brokenness of humanity
and all that goes with that,
and all that grief and sadness and plans
that didn't happen.
Father God, that's just in that mix to that.
And we give them to you.
We don't wanna hang on to that
because it's not serving us
and it's just weighing us down.
And instead, like I want you guys
to picture a different basket at the feet of Jesus.
And this basket is holding up words like love
and redemption and restitution and restoration
and belief and desire and excellence and supernatural.
Those are just the words that are coming to me.
So Carla, those are the words
that God wants you to pick back up.
He is the Prince of Peace.
He can give you the peace that surpasses all understanding.
And so I don't know how you guys
are gonna find your person.
I don't know what you're gonna have to sacrifice
and give up to do it.
I don't know what you're gonna have to change
in your viewpoint to do it.
But I believe if you're hearing this call
and you're obedient to God,
I just believe that God wants to delight you
and give you the desires of your heart
in ways that you never even saw coming,
in ways that are just gonna be better than.
And so Carla, I don't know what motherhood
is gonna look like for you,
but I know you will say,
oh, this is so good.
This is so good.
And you guys, and I firmly believe too
that any man that is gonna choose us
is gonna delight in all of us.
And he is not gonna see us as less than,
as used up, washed up, too old, too anything.
He is gonna see us as the chosen person
that God has for him.
And Carla, you are gonna be perfect for your guy.
And so Father God,
I just ask that you just restore hope right now,
that you restore.
happiness and joy in Jesus name, amen.
All right, Carl, I hope that you get that, sweetie.
Alexa, you're up.
Hi, so yeah, I'm new and like jumping back
into this dating stuff.
And originally like I would be in relationships
with people that I knew or like introduced me
through a friend, stuff like that.
And so this whole like online dating thing
was like a wild card for me.
I'm like, what the heck?
Like people in my DMs like sexy as hell.
I'm like, who even are you?
Like, are you gonna introduce yourself?
Or like, are you just gonna throw comments at me?
Like, this is weird.
So I'm like, I just, I don't fully like know
how to grasp the whole thing yet.
So I did meet someone on Upword and we had a phone call.
But after the phone call, we found out some things
about each other that just didn't line up.
Like he didn't wanna be with someone that had kids.
Like I ended up telling him that on the phone call
that I want three more kids.
And he said, oh, children, so you have a child.
And I'm like, yeah, I do.
And I just, I guess we went into the conversation
just so detailed.
Like he was asking me like 25 questions.
I was just not prepared for this.
I don't think I was at all.
And then he starts getting into the whole like thing.
Like Carla, I can like, I understand like
what you're kind of talking about.
Cause he was like, he was like, you know,
I told him like, I want a big family.
He's like, well, do you know what a man
who wants big family wants?
Someone who's very fertile.
And I'm like, okay, I think I gotta go.
Like, I just, I don't know what to say.
It was just like an awkward, weird, like situation.
And it just ended up really bad.
Let me encourage you and anybody, you guys,
if a man is getting sexual immediately,
don't even waste your time schooling him.
Like don't even waste your time saying like,
oh my gosh, that's so inappropriate.
Like, you know, we're just not far enough along to just say,
you know what, that's really inappropriate conversation.
I'm getting into the conversation now.
And you just stop.
So now Alexa, I can't even see you full body,
but I get a lot of really good energy from you.
But like, I get va-va-voom from you too.
I'm not trying to be this on you.
Cause you're just, you're just pretty.
You got a pretty sexy vibe.
So you're gonna have to work really hard and it's not fair.
Like I have big boobs.
I have to wear camisoles, you guys, right?
So if you're an A cup, you can wear things I can't wear.
So I've got to make sure that I dress in a way
that doesn't come off too sexual.
And so Alexa, I don't know what your profile photo
looks like, what your dating profile looks like.
You're just gonna want to make sure,
am I presenting a persona on social media
that's gonna attract a masculine,
mature marriage minded man, or am I looking hot
and I'm potentially gonna have to rein in
and deal with men that are gonna come off too sexual for me?
So that I don't, I don't know.
I'm not, I'm not saying that.
I'm just saying you have really,
and some people just have more sexual energy
than other people.
And you just kind of present really pretty
and really beautiful.
So you may have to rein that in,
which is why he was even surprised that you had a kid
or that you want kids.
Like, do you know what I'm saying?
Like that threw off his whole game
because he was not picturing that
when he was like looking at you.
And so you may want to rein that in
and just dabble in the dating stuff.
And you guys just be honest and clear
about your intentions right up front.
Like, hey, I'm just, you know,
I'm only using social media and online dating
to meet people in real life.
I have zero desire for this
to be an ongoing way we're communicating.
I don't text, I don't DM.
Like I am looking to see people on a real date.
So you're wasting your time
if you're just gonna like slip me some kind of conversation
and slip in my DMs.
So I don't know if that even,
so I'm just gonna encourage you
that you don't need to over-explain yourself.
And kind of like what I was telling somebody else,
like Audra, if they're getting sexual in any sort of way,
oh, I was just kidding.
They're never just kidding you guys.
Oh, I was just kidding.
No, no, you weren't.
No, you weren't.
But did you have another question?
I didn't mean to interrupt you.
No, that's it, thank you.
You bet, sweetie.
And I'm not saying this to diss on you at all.
Please don't take this, like you're beautiful.
So please like, you're almost so beautiful
you gotta like manage the beauty.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Like you've gotta like just manage it
and you're gonna have to,
and it's a bummer for you
that you're gonna have to ward off more inappropriate stuff.
I had a big butt.
There are certain populations of my big boobs and big butt like get me more attention than
I want.
And so I just have to get up, you know, kind of zip, zip it away.
And so I have to, and it's, it's interesting and this isn't just for you, but you guys
pay attention to the energy we're giving off.
The worst thing I heard in my twenties, I was so offended, so offended.
But somebody said to me, and actually a man said that both a woman said this to me and
a man said it to me, Renee, you do this, you reel people in and you push them away.
So you're just enough flirty to reel people in, but you're conservative.
So then you push them away when they say something inappropriate.
And so I had to own, what is it that I was doing that was drawing that kind of energy
in?
Um, so just, just be thinking about it.
Gazine, you're up girl, smiley face.
Okay.
So I'm going to keep it short cause I know you're tired.
So I am going on date number three in person, date number four in total.
Um, with the guy that I told you guys about last week and tomorrow we're supposed to be
going on our fourth date and it's his birthday.
So we had agreed to go to the spa, which I said, you know, which I plan on paying for,
but I'm wondering how much would be too much?
Like I wanted to get him a card and, um, a gift card, um, to his favorite restaurant
and I wanted to, um, get him a cake, but I'm just like, I don't want to do too much at
the same time.
So what do you think might be the limit on how much I spend?
And then we wanted to go to dinner.
I'm like, I don't want to pay for dinner.
How do I, how do I tell him I don't want to pay for dinner?
Wait, is it, is it, did you say it was his birthday?
Yeah.
It's his birthday.
And how many dates have you been on?
This is date number four.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
And have you, did you say, I want to take you out to dinner, like, or what have you
planned so far?
What did you know?
So the plan was to go to the spa, which is 40 bucks.
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
You, you're good.
You need to be done at the spa.
That's already nice.
I mean, that's a very nice fourth date.
Um, yes.
I mean, you can do the spa and you could get like a funny card.
Try to get a funny card.
Okay.
Funny card in the spa.
That's it.
That's cute.
And that's good enough because yeah, yeah, that, that was very nice of you to even do
that.
But what do you do?
What are you guys getting done?
So it's like, um, it's a Korean spa.
So it's like, um, there's saunas everywhere, hangout spots, just kind of lounging kind
of thing.
Cool.
I love it.
That's really fun.
That was very nice of you.
Good job.
Yeah.
I wouldn't do anything else besides that because if it's, I mean, if he's a gentleman too,
you might say, Hey, and let him, if he says, Hey, let's go get dinner.
And he wants to pay, let him, okay.
That's my advice.
Let him if he wants to.
Okay.
Perfect.
Thank you.
You bet.
All right.
Let's see.
Um, okay.
Y'all let me explain.
We have too many levels, paths, phases.
Okay.
So this program is in phase one, two, and three.
You're in phase two.
Lovester.
I mean, HeartWork is phase one.
Phase two is Lovester Accelerator.
Phase three is just everybody.
It's the whole community.
Um, the levels is for dating level one, two, three, four, and five.
When you go to phase three, it does not matter what dating level you're at.
People in phase three are at all different places.
Sometimes they're in a serious relationship.
Sometimes they're not dating anybody.
Sometimes they're, they're just starting to date.
Sometimes they just broke up with somebody and they're taking time off.
Sometimes they've just lost their job or their, their mother just died and they're not dating
at all because they just need to heal from the grief that they're in.
So once you go to phase three, you're going to be with people at all different levels
of dating.
Then Jackie created this thing called path and we were trying to teach in path.
Like if you're in path one, you're going to, you're going to go to teachings focused
on God.
Path two, it was focused on youth.
Path three was focused on others.
And once we kind of did that for a bit, we were going to change up what that meant and
we were going to do breakout teachings based on whether you were dating somebody seriously,
just starting to date or not dating at all.
But more recently, Jackie has been keeping everybody together.
So when you get to phase three, we're not doing breakout teachings right now.
Pretty much the group is staying together.
So hopefully I have explained the difference between phases, levels, and paths, and let's
make it any more confusing for you.
Is there an option to sign up for individual coaching?
for an additional cost. Right now, I am the only one doing one-on-one coaching. Jackie is doing
some very, very limited. So if you want to do one-on-one coaching, the request comes into
admin at JackieDurham.com. I send it to Reagan. Reagan discusses it with Jackie on a very limited
basis. Jackie is doing it depending on if she thinks there's a need or it's coming back my way
for dating coaching. Bethany was doing one-on-one heartwork coaching, but she's doing so much right
now that we have pressed pause on her doing one-on-one coaching. And I know we're probably
going to be bringing on other one-on-one coaches, and it is an extra fee for that.
Okay, let's see. I want to make sure I got to everybody.
Okay, I think we got, did I get to all the questions? I think so. I forgot to ask,
I'm curious about the online dating, but is it safe to say that it's better to first work on the
anxious? Rachel, that's a good question. I think you can try online dating and deal with your
anxious attachment all at the same time. You know how Jackie always says the phrase,
hurt in relationship, healed in relationship. There's only so much you guys can get healing on,
not dating. Some of the stuff that Rick and I are healing on, I thought I was perfectly healed
because I've been in this program. I've done therapy for years. What else did I need to get
healed on? But there's only so much healing you can do single. Some of it, you just have to practice
with the other person. So it's almost impossible to heal from your anxious attachment, not dating.
You can watch the videos, but you're going to practice having that conversation and just start
talking to people at level two. How you're going to protect yourself is not jumping to level three,
serious relationship. So practicing level two dating, where it's just discovery dating,
is what's going to help teach you how to not be anxious. So unfortunately,
you don't just get healed from your attachment styles by osmosis. You actually have to exercise
that muscle. So I'm glad that you asked. All right, I'm going to close this out in prayer
because I'm tired. Father God, thank you so much for this evening. Thank you so much for these
brave, brave ladies who come and share of themselves. They're willing to kind of go in
the hot seat and bring their story in front of other people. Father God, we just ask that you
bless each person here, the ones that spoke up and the ones that didn't speak up, knowing that
each person here had something heavy on their heart. And Father God, you saw it, even if I
didn't see it. And may you minister to them while they sleep tonight. And we just lift all of this
up in the mighty precious name of Jesus. Amen. All right, you guys, I had fun. Tuesday nights,
it's my most fun thing to get to do all week.