WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:04.000 Okay, ladies, it is Renee Rizzo here. 2 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:09.840 I am subbing for Carla for the midday weekly check-in for phase two. 3 00:00:09.840 --> 00:00:13.360 I'm so glad that you are here. 4 00:00:13.360 --> 00:00:19.240 Tonight you guys have been invited to join phase three ladies in the love seat. 5 00:00:19.240 --> 00:00:21.400 And so everyone's like, oh my gosh, what's the love seat? 6 00:00:21.400 --> 00:00:22.400 It's this. 7 00:00:22.400 --> 00:00:29.720 It's just like a check-in where, you know, Jackie will answer your dating questions. 8 00:00:29.720 --> 00:00:34.040 It can be, does it need to be slightly more intimidating because you're in a much larger 9 00:00:34.040 --> 00:00:35.040 crowd. 10 00:00:35.040 --> 00:00:36.040 There might be a hundred women on the call. 11 00:00:36.040 --> 00:00:40.280 So you might think I'm not going to ask for advice on the call in front of that many women. 12 00:00:40.280 --> 00:00:42.560 But the truth is y'all are in the same boat. 13 00:00:42.560 --> 00:00:45.920 They're not like superior to you. 14 00:00:45.920 --> 00:00:49.000 And I always learned so much by other people's questions. 15 00:00:49.000 --> 00:00:55.560 And so a lot of times if you ask a dating question or a situation question, it's something 16 00:00:55.560 --> 00:00:59.700 that somebody else is going through and you're thinking nobody else is going through this. 17 00:01:00.680 --> 00:01:05.099 You are not, we are not as unique as we think we are in our stories are not as unique as 18 00:01:05.099 --> 00:01:06.460 we think they are. 19 00:01:06.460 --> 00:01:08.660 And so it really is helpful to kind of hear them. 20 00:01:08.660 --> 00:01:14.320 And so that's what tonight is all about is that somebody kind of goes over a dating situation. 21 00:01:14.320 --> 00:01:19.660 So it's really the same format that I use on Tuesday nights where I let you guys unpack 22 00:01:19.660 --> 00:01:22.280 a story and we try to give advice. 23 00:01:22.280 --> 00:01:27.940 And like me, Jackie uses those moments to highlight a message or a theme that she might 24 00:01:27.940 --> 00:01:29.340 drive home a little bit more. 25 00:01:29.340 --> 00:01:34.180 So sometimes she'll take it away from that particular person and broaden the topic. 26 00:01:34.180 --> 00:01:39.620 So if you can make it tonight at 8 PM, I believe the link was in the post that Cheryl did go 27 00:01:39.620 --> 00:01:41.660 ahead and look for it. 28 00:01:41.660 --> 00:01:42.660 And it's super fun. 29 00:01:42.660 --> 00:01:46.660 And if you don't want to ask anything, you just go and listen and observe. 30 00:01:46.660 --> 00:01:49.220 I can't remember if it's co-ed. 31 00:01:49.220 --> 00:01:50.220 It might be. 32 00:01:50.220 --> 00:01:52.100 Not all the guys like showing up for love seats. 33 00:01:52.100 --> 00:01:57.060 It's a very, you know, people aren't talking about their dating problems, but sometimes 34 00:01:57.060 --> 00:01:58.060 I think it is co-ed. 35 00:01:58.060 --> 00:02:02.060 Sometimes the guys have really good questions too, or it's just, it's interesting for us 36 00:02:02.060 --> 00:02:04.220 to realize how guys struggle in all of this too. 37 00:02:04.220 --> 00:02:07.100 And these are guys in the program, you know, like trying to do it. 38 00:02:07.100 --> 00:02:09.100 These aren't even just the regular guys. 39 00:02:09.100 --> 00:02:10.100 All right. 40 00:02:10.100 --> 00:02:16.600 So, um, I want you to guys think about this, these four things, as I was looking at your 41 00:02:16.600 --> 00:02:23.660 weekly check-in posts and, um, really seeing what was coming up for me and me remembering 42 00:02:23.660 --> 00:02:24.660 this. 43 00:02:24.660 --> 00:02:30.380 Cause as you guys know, I'm in a level three dating relationship, so it's exclusive. 44 00:02:30.380 --> 00:02:38.500 We have been at that for a few months now and you know, we have moved along very quickly. 45 00:02:38.500 --> 00:02:40.300 Um, we're local to each other. 46 00:02:40.300 --> 00:02:43.100 I'm 55, he's 62. 47 00:02:43.100 --> 00:02:50.860 And so, um, and we both tend to be deep swimming pools, deep in the swimming pools, speakers, 48 00:02:50.860 --> 00:02:51.860 thinkers. 49 00:02:52.220 --> 00:02:55.220 It was hard for us to just stay in the surface conversations. 50 00:02:55.220 --> 00:02:58.860 Um, and so I can't say that we've done it perfectly. 51 00:02:58.860 --> 00:03:04.020 So a lot of times when I'm giving you guys feedback, it's not just from being in leadership 52 00:03:04.020 --> 00:03:07.240 here and being a student and doing the dating process. 53 00:03:07.240 --> 00:03:10.740 It's me walking it out with you knowing that it's perfectly imperfect. 54 00:03:10.740 --> 00:03:15.220 So maybe the first thing I feel called to tell you is just give yourself some grace, 55 00:03:15.220 --> 00:03:16.220 you guys. 56 00:03:16.220 --> 00:03:18.620 I think there's so much pressure. 57 00:03:18.620 --> 00:03:21.340 I don't know if it's because the title is last year's single. 58 00:03:21.340 --> 00:03:25.020 I don't know if it's because you're seeing so many happy posts with people matching 59 00:03:25.020 --> 00:03:26.820 up and getting married. 60 00:03:26.820 --> 00:03:30.660 You have like this FOMO, you don't want to miss out on this chance. 61 00:03:30.660 --> 00:03:34.540 You don't want to screw it up and you're like, okay, I've done it wrong or I've done unhealthy 62 00:03:34.540 --> 00:03:35.540 so many years. 63 00:03:35.540 --> 00:03:37.040 I finally did heart work. 64 00:03:37.040 --> 00:03:38.540 Why is it still hard? 65 00:03:38.540 --> 00:03:41.340 Um, it is, it's just hard. 66 00:03:41.340 --> 00:03:42.540 Relationships are messy. 67 00:03:42.540 --> 00:03:48.220 We are messy, broken people and the chances are of us running into somebody who has done 68 00:03:48.220 --> 00:03:51.580 as much health and healing as us is slim. 69 00:03:51.580 --> 00:03:55.900 I mean, we're always finding people at different levels of their healing journey or maybe they've 70 00:03:55.900 --> 00:03:59.320 done a lot of healing and it's just a hard season in their life. 71 00:03:59.320 --> 00:04:00.460 Maybe they just lost their job. 72 00:04:00.460 --> 00:04:01.740 Maybe they just lost their parent. 73 00:04:01.740 --> 00:04:06.020 Maybe they just got, you know, a message that their mom has cancer. 74 00:04:06.020 --> 00:04:07.020 I don't know. 75 00:04:07.020 --> 00:04:09.980 And so the word that's coming to me is grace. 76 00:04:09.980 --> 00:04:15.380 I really want you to give yourselves some grace in this season. 77 00:04:15.380 --> 00:04:22.540 I want you to give all of the men that you're talking to grace, not all of them just because 78 00:04:22.540 --> 00:04:28.220 they suck at texting, just because they don't ask you out, just because they don't know 79 00:04:28.220 --> 00:04:29.220 what boundaries are. 80 00:04:29.220 --> 00:04:31.220 It doesn't mean that they're a scammer. 81 00:04:31.220 --> 00:04:34.800 It doesn't mean they're your husband and it doesn't mean that they're a bad guy. 82 00:04:34.800 --> 00:04:38.420 They might just be inexperienced, naive and clunky. 83 00:04:38.420 --> 00:04:43.380 Um, now there are some ding, there's are, there's some ding dongs out there for sure. 84 00:04:43.380 --> 00:04:48.380 And hopefully when you're God defended, you stop worrying about that. 85 00:04:48.380 --> 00:04:50.900 Like I'm amazed at, I'm grateful. 86 00:04:50.900 --> 00:04:52.440 Let me say this first. 87 00:04:52.440 --> 00:04:57.300 I'm grateful that three years ago when Jackie did the dating challenge with us, nobody was 88 00:04:57.300 --> 00:04:59.740 more anti online dating than me. 89 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:02.840 If you watch the online dating video, you know, I talk about that. 90 00:05:02.840 --> 00:05:04.800 I've been I'm so old, you guys. 91 00:05:04.800 --> 00:05:07.960 I've been online dating when online dating didn't really exist. 92 00:05:07.960 --> 00:05:08.600 Do you know what I mean? 93 00:05:08.600 --> 00:05:13.040 Like when eHarmony used to be like 25 levels of conversation 94 00:05:13.040 --> 00:05:17.800 before you even saw what they looked like, you know, and there was no swiping. 95 00:05:17.840 --> 00:05:18.960 There was no swiping. 96 00:05:18.960 --> 00:05:21.200 It was just all this analysis. 97 00:05:21.200 --> 00:05:24.000 And and so I understand 98 00:05:24.400 --> 00:05:26.640 that there are parts of online dating that just stink. 99 00:05:27.240 --> 00:05:28.480 It's just frustrating. 100 00:05:28.480 --> 00:05:32.160 And no one ever thought that they could get a handle on it more than me. 101 00:05:32.160 --> 00:05:34.880 And I did because I wanted the dating challenge. 102 00:05:34.880 --> 00:05:36.600 I wanted to practice dating. 103 00:05:36.600 --> 00:05:39.720 Now, I try to do all of the things. 104 00:05:39.720 --> 00:05:42.080 But, you know, I live in a town. 105 00:05:42.080 --> 00:05:43.120 I was in ministry. 106 00:05:43.120 --> 00:05:45.200 And so I'm in ministry. 107 00:05:45.200 --> 00:05:46.920 I ran a nonprofit. 108 00:05:46.920 --> 00:05:48.920 And I also was in community theater. 109 00:05:48.920 --> 00:05:53.360 So that put me in front of married men and gay men, married and gay men. 110 00:05:54.120 --> 00:05:57.280 Neither one of them were healthy dating options, you know. 111 00:05:57.720 --> 00:06:00.480 And I can't tell you how many of my married friends are like, 112 00:06:00.480 --> 00:06:02.880 I don't know a good guy for you. Really? 113 00:06:03.080 --> 00:06:04.480 You don't know one guy. 114 00:06:04.480 --> 00:06:06.840 You haven't met one guy in the last 10 years 115 00:06:06.840 --> 00:06:09.080 that you could potentially have to go out for coffee with. 116 00:06:09.080 --> 00:06:10.760 Like, I don't know. 117 00:06:10.760 --> 00:06:13.520 Our married friends just do not know how to set us up. 118 00:06:13.560 --> 00:06:16.520 They just don't. They just they're just terrible at it. 119 00:06:16.560 --> 00:06:17.560 They're just terrible at it. 120 00:06:17.560 --> 00:06:18.840 And I wish it were better. 121 00:06:18.840 --> 00:06:22.080 I wish it were better inside the church once you're turned 35. 122 00:06:22.400 --> 00:06:25.240 Young adult ministry, of course, young adult ministry 123 00:06:25.440 --> 00:06:29.120 got really popular the second I aged out of young adult ministry. 124 00:06:29.640 --> 00:06:31.640 And so I missed the boat. 125 00:06:31.640 --> 00:06:35.800 I'm getting to enjoy that kind of group collective getting to know single people. 126 00:06:36.360 --> 00:06:38.800 So I joined what I call the wasteland. 127 00:06:38.800 --> 00:06:42.440 I call age 35 to 55 the wasteland in church. 128 00:06:42.680 --> 00:06:44.720 They don't know what to do with single people our age. 129 00:06:44.920 --> 00:06:47.400 They know what to do with single mothers. 130 00:06:47.400 --> 00:06:49.840 They know what to do with divorce care. 131 00:06:49.960 --> 00:06:50.920 That's great. 132 00:06:50.920 --> 00:06:54.120 But until you're 55, 55 is the magic age 133 00:06:54.120 --> 00:06:58.720 that they now have 55 plus groups and that has all the geriatrics. 134 00:06:58.720 --> 00:07:01.520 It could be married or single people, widowed people. 135 00:07:01.800 --> 00:07:04.880 And so basically you're on your own from 35 to 55. 136 00:07:04.920 --> 00:07:07.360 So you have to be more creative. 137 00:07:07.360 --> 00:07:09.440 You have to be willing to try online. 138 00:07:09.440 --> 00:07:14.440 You have to be willing to Google meetup groups, event groups, single events. 139 00:07:14.680 --> 00:07:18.360 It means you might have to look up what kind of things your city is doing. 140 00:07:18.560 --> 00:07:19.600 Are there festivals? 141 00:07:19.600 --> 00:07:21.360 You guys, it's spring and summer. 142 00:07:21.360 --> 00:07:23.920 Are there summer concert series going on? 143 00:07:23.920 --> 00:07:25.520 Are there craft festivals? 144 00:07:25.520 --> 00:07:27.840 Although you're not going to meet a lot of men at a craft festival, 145 00:07:28.280 --> 00:07:29.880 not straight men. 146 00:07:30.640 --> 00:07:31.400 They're husbands. 147 00:07:31.400 --> 00:07:33.960 You're going to meet husbands and gay men that are dragged there. 148 00:07:34.800 --> 00:07:36.600 And so you have to start looking at things. 149 00:07:36.600 --> 00:07:38.720 Do I want to pick up golf lessons? 150 00:07:38.720 --> 00:07:40.320 Do I want to go to the driving range? 151 00:07:40.320 --> 00:07:42.640 Do I want to go learn how to throw an ax? 152 00:07:42.640 --> 00:07:44.480 Do I want to go shoot a gun? 153 00:07:44.480 --> 00:07:48.320 Do I want to go to an escape game, an obstacle course? 154 00:07:48.320 --> 00:07:50.680 Are you willing if you don't want to get online? 155 00:07:51.240 --> 00:07:53.400 Are you willing to do a lot of other things? 156 00:07:53.520 --> 00:07:55.240 Sign up for speed dating. 157 00:07:55.240 --> 00:07:57.400 Take a cooking class. 158 00:07:57.400 --> 00:07:59.520 Go volunteer at Habitat for Humanity. 159 00:07:59.680 --> 00:08:02.040 Don't go volunteer at something that's only going to bring up 160 00:08:02.040 --> 00:08:03.400 a bunch of other females. 161 00:08:03.400 --> 00:08:06.560 Go volunteer at things, you know, that are going to draw in other men 162 00:08:06.760 --> 00:08:10.200 like Habitat for Humanity, like feeding the homeless. 163 00:08:10.960 --> 00:08:14.440 Anything that's going to require them to use their muscles just a little bit. 164 00:08:14.440 --> 00:08:17.680 You're going to get a bunch of dudes out for that. 165 00:08:17.680 --> 00:08:21.680 Look for five K's that are being hosted by the fire department 166 00:08:21.680 --> 00:08:26.240 in the police department or just go do walk a five K. 167 00:08:26.240 --> 00:08:30.320 There's plenty of officers all over the course and firemen and EMTs 168 00:08:30.400 --> 00:08:32.760 all around you just pretend to faint. 169 00:08:32.760 --> 00:08:35.039 I don't know. Find creative ways. 170 00:08:35.039 --> 00:08:38.520 When you go to a gym like, you know, I used to join a Bougie. 171 00:08:38.520 --> 00:08:39.080 I used to be. 172 00:08:39.080 --> 00:08:43.480 I well, then I was an instructor, a Bougie like bars, Pilates studio. 173 00:08:43.640 --> 00:08:44.760 Yeah. No guys. 174 00:08:44.760 --> 00:08:48.000 Again, no straight men coming to the Pilates bar studio. 175 00:08:48.400 --> 00:08:50.760 But he is showing up and he might, you know, 176 00:08:51.120 --> 00:08:53.840 maybe he's at Lifetime Fitness or the fancy ones. 177 00:08:54.000 --> 00:08:56.120 But most likely, again, those are the married dudes. 178 00:08:56.360 --> 00:08:57.840 You know where all the single dudes are. 179 00:08:57.840 --> 00:08:59.800 They're at Planet Fitness Gold's Gym. 180 00:08:59.800 --> 00:09:01.680 And you're like, oh, my gosh, I would never go to that gym. 181 00:09:01.680 --> 00:09:02.480 I don't know. 182 00:09:02.480 --> 00:09:07.440 Like if you find a nice town like the Planet Fitness in my mom's hometown 183 00:09:07.440 --> 00:09:10.400 or my hometown, total ghetto, not so fun. 184 00:09:11.600 --> 00:09:15.080 But the Planet Fitness in my little town, very yuppie, 185 00:09:15.400 --> 00:09:19.960 you know, very like men of all races and ethnic groups. 186 00:09:20.240 --> 00:09:22.080 But definitely a different caliber. 187 00:09:22.080 --> 00:09:24.080 So go to a nice town. 188 00:09:24.080 --> 00:09:26.160 You can join a Planet Fitness for ten bucks a month. 189 00:09:26.160 --> 00:09:27.680 I'm not saying that's what you should do. 190 00:09:27.680 --> 00:09:30.360 I'm just trying to encourage you 191 00:09:30.360 --> 00:09:34.000 to be open to what it takes to meet people. 192 00:09:34.200 --> 00:09:37.960 Here's other things that you want to do to be open to meeting people in this stage. 193 00:09:38.680 --> 00:09:40.200 Look nice wherever you go. 194 00:09:40.200 --> 00:09:42.680 You guys, I'm wearing my yoga pants below my waist. 195 00:09:42.680 --> 00:09:44.960 You don't know this, but I'm getting ready to go to the gym. 196 00:09:45.240 --> 00:09:47.000 But I'm like, well, crap, I got to get on camera. 197 00:09:47.000 --> 00:09:49.480 So I got to make sure I look at least good boobs up. 198 00:09:49.840 --> 00:09:52.960 And so that's what you need to think about every time you go to the grocery 199 00:09:52.960 --> 00:09:58.160 store, Walgreens, Walmart, church, the airport, the gym. 200 00:09:58.160 --> 00:09:59.800 Yes. Like you. And it's. 201 00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:04.160 I get it, like it's exhausting, but you guys, I took five minutes to look cute. 202 00:10:04.160 --> 00:10:09.420 Look, I put my hair up in a ponytail, took little pieces of hair out, put some like powder 203 00:10:09.420 --> 00:10:11.440 on my face and threw in some lipstick. 204 00:10:11.440 --> 00:10:12.440 That's it. 205 00:10:12.440 --> 00:10:14.960 It took me under three minutes to look halfway decent for y'all. 206 00:10:14.960 --> 00:10:19.960 So you don't have to do full on like stage makeup to go out the door, but you want to 207 00:10:19.960 --> 00:10:23.420 make sure you look pretty darn good everywhere you go. 208 00:10:23.420 --> 00:10:26.680 Like my sister teases me like for the airport, you know, for the longest time. 209 00:10:26.680 --> 00:10:29.200 She's like, my gosh, Renee, it's six o'clock in the morning. 210 00:10:29.200 --> 00:10:30.200 Why do you look like that? 211 00:10:30.200 --> 00:10:31.200 All right. 212 00:10:31.200 --> 00:10:32.200 I'm still single. 213 00:10:32.200 --> 00:10:35.280 I got to look good all the time because you know what's going to happen the one time I 214 00:10:35.280 --> 00:10:39.240 look scrappy, that's what I'm going to see some hot dude and I'm going to be too chicken 215 00:10:39.240 --> 00:10:42.360 to go talk to him because I look like crap. 216 00:10:42.360 --> 00:10:45.760 And when I make myself look good, I feel good. 217 00:10:45.760 --> 00:10:50.120 And when I feel good about myself, I feel more confident and I exude that. 218 00:10:50.120 --> 00:10:53.360 So believe it or not, men are attracted. 219 00:10:53.360 --> 00:10:59.000 Here's the thing that men are most attracted to your eyes and your smile and your confidence. 220 00:10:59.000 --> 00:11:04.640 Eyes, smile, confidence, twinkle in your eye, smile on your face, not the resting bitch 221 00:11:04.640 --> 00:11:10.320 face that some of us can get, smile, eyes and confidence. 222 00:11:10.320 --> 00:11:14.640 That makes up for anything that you think is your physical deficit. 223 00:11:14.640 --> 00:11:19.680 I don't care how tall or short you are, how skinny or fat you are, don't care. 224 00:11:19.680 --> 00:11:25.940 And yes, girls, like even five minute makeup can make us look a little better than normal. 225 00:11:25.940 --> 00:11:27.440 So let's go for it. 226 00:11:27.440 --> 00:11:28.760 And so make sure you do that. 227 00:11:29.520 --> 00:11:31.760 So always show up with your best front forward. 228 00:11:31.760 --> 00:11:34.480 So that's kind of the things I wanted to talk about there. 229 00:11:34.480 --> 00:11:36.960 Let's see pacing and not getting overwhelmed. 230 00:11:36.960 --> 00:11:40.400 I'm already reading some of your posts like, oh my gosh, it's exhausting. 231 00:11:40.400 --> 00:11:44.800 Now I only ever, I never did more than two apps at the same time. 232 00:11:44.800 --> 00:11:48.600 It was always, it was always Facebook dating cause it was free and I was on Facebook so 233 00:11:48.600 --> 00:11:49.840 much for my job. 234 00:11:49.840 --> 00:11:50.840 So that was a free one. 235 00:11:50.840 --> 00:11:52.120 That was an easy one to keep open. 236 00:11:52.120 --> 00:11:53.120 But guess what? 237 00:11:53.120 --> 00:11:55.240 Even that one, you can pause it at any time. 238 00:11:55.240 --> 00:11:58.320 You've got too many that you're matched up to hit pause. 239 00:11:58.320 --> 00:12:01.640 It's not going to match you with any more and you can just keep talking to the ones 240 00:12:01.640 --> 00:12:02.640 that are there. 241 00:12:02.640 --> 00:12:12.680 And then my second one, I alternated between Hinge, Bumble, maybe Match, maybe Harmony. 242 00:12:12.680 --> 00:12:16.160 I know there are people who've worked with Upward, Salt, Holy. 243 00:12:16.160 --> 00:12:17.160 Here's the thing. 244 00:12:17.160 --> 00:12:22.400 I say this in the video, you guys, you could focus all day long about the ding dongs, the 245 00:12:22.400 --> 00:12:25.440 scammers, the idiots, the tools, the ghosters. 246 00:12:25.440 --> 00:12:26.740 You could. 247 00:12:26.820 --> 00:12:31.120 And I assure you that that is a hundred percent wasting your time. 248 00:12:31.120 --> 00:12:34.540 So one of the things I learned, I'm going to give you like an analogy. 249 00:12:34.540 --> 00:12:38.780 So one of the things I learned, I grew up in the North, so we had to learn how to steer. 250 00:12:38.780 --> 00:12:44.420 We learned how to handle driving through ice and what happens to your car when it can't 251 00:12:44.420 --> 00:12:46.940 get control of the ground anymore. 252 00:12:46.940 --> 00:12:52.380 When you start to fishtail, you are taught to put your eyes in the direction of where 253 00:12:52.380 --> 00:12:54.500 you want to go. 254 00:12:54.500 --> 00:12:59.020 So you focus on your vision, not your hands on the steering wheel. 255 00:12:59.020 --> 00:13:04.740 When your eyes turn back to the road, your hands more slowly come back to the center 256 00:13:04.740 --> 00:13:08.060 and you're much more quickly to right the road. 257 00:13:08.060 --> 00:13:15.940 However, if you're in a spin on the ice and you let your hands lead, you will overcorrect 258 00:13:15.940 --> 00:13:18.460 and you just continue the fishtail. 259 00:13:18.460 --> 00:13:22.020 So you actually don't gain any traction. 260 00:13:22.020 --> 00:13:26.900 So if you are dating, however you're dating in phase two, whether it's church, meetup 261 00:13:26.900 --> 00:13:34.580 groups or online, I want you to focus all your energy on where you want to go and what's 262 00:13:34.580 --> 00:13:36.020 going well. 263 00:13:36.020 --> 00:13:42.980 I'm going to really encourage you to stop negative speech out loud in your head and 264 00:13:42.980 --> 00:13:48.740 as you text, a lot of you aren't even in phase two, like two weeks and you're already going, 265 00:13:48.740 --> 00:13:50.820 oh my gosh, I'm so discouraged. 266 00:13:50.820 --> 00:13:52.380 Men don't know how to talk. 267 00:13:52.380 --> 00:13:53.380 This is awful. 268 00:13:53.380 --> 00:13:56.820 I hate, I'm like, dude, you've been here two weeks, stop. 269 00:13:56.820 --> 00:14:01.020 Like this is too fast for you get to be getting discouraged. 270 00:14:01.020 --> 00:14:03.620 And I promise you guys, we're watching you. 271 00:14:03.620 --> 00:14:08.740 We've actually had to put members of this program on what we call a negativity fast, 272 00:14:08.740 --> 00:14:15.580 where you get a fancy email from moi and I basically tell you, you have 60 days to improve 273 00:14:15.580 --> 00:14:19.820 what you're speaking out loud because it's pulling you down and it's pulling other people 274 00:14:19.820 --> 00:14:20.820 down. 275 00:14:20.820 --> 00:14:22.060 You are whining in every post. 276 00:14:22.060 --> 00:14:23.420 You're whining in all the chats. 277 00:14:23.420 --> 00:14:24.420 You're whining in part. 278 00:14:24.420 --> 00:14:29.260 You guys, are you allowed to share your frustrations and your concerns a hundred percent? 279 00:14:29.260 --> 00:14:33.340 We want to walk you through all of the tough stuff here, so please don't hear me saying 280 00:14:33.340 --> 00:14:34.340 you can never complain. 281 00:14:34.340 --> 00:14:36.260 I'm not saying that. 282 00:14:36.260 --> 00:14:41.100 I'm just encouraging you to not sit in that posture for long. 283 00:14:41.100 --> 00:14:46.200 I'm just encouraging you to find the silver lining, even in the hard moments. 284 00:14:46.200 --> 00:14:52.400 You know, Jackie and Bethany are famous for saying yet, like whatever you want to say, 285 00:14:52.400 --> 00:14:54.560 add the word yet to it. 286 00:14:54.560 --> 00:14:57.540 Like I'm not meeting good men yet. 287 00:14:57.540 --> 00:15:00.040 I'm not able to get to the first date yet. 288 00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:07.520 I'm feeling, you know, I'm not feeling encouraged yet. The word yet still attaches some hope to it. 289 00:15:07.520 --> 00:15:11.800 So you're acknowledging the pain that you're in and the sadness that you're feeling, 290 00:15:11.960 --> 00:15:18.320 but you're not letting defeat win in the final breath. And as you guys, if there's anybody that 291 00:15:18.760 --> 00:15:22.800 understands agony, it is Jesus. Remember when he was in the Garden of Gethsemane, 292 00:15:23.720 --> 00:15:28.440 he was so stressed. He was sweating drops of blood. Twice in scripture 293 00:15:28.440 --> 00:15:32.320 it says that he asked the angel to remove his anxiety. 294 00:15:32.320 --> 00:15:35.320 They call it anguish, which was probably mental anguish. 295 00:15:35.320 --> 00:15:40.120 And it doesn't ever say that his anguish or his anxiety was removed. 296 00:15:40.120 --> 00:15:45.560 In fact, what scripture says is that he says, nevertheless, thy will be done. And he got up. 297 00:15:45.680 --> 00:15:51.160 So I really want you guys to grab hold of nevertheless. It's discouraging right now. 298 00:15:51.920 --> 00:15:57.960 Nevertheless, I'm gonna press forward. You know, I didn't meet a healthy guy or that ended. Nevertheless, 299 00:15:58.440 --> 00:16:00.440 I'm gonna trust the process. 300 00:16:00.720 --> 00:16:05.960 Nevertheless, here's the crazy thing. Every time that we put somebody on a negativity fast, we're like, hey, 301 00:16:05.960 --> 00:16:09.400 we're watching you for the next 60 days. You are not allowed to post at all, 302 00:16:10.040 --> 00:16:15.160 unless it's positive. And do you want to know every single person that we've had to do that with? 303 00:16:15.360 --> 00:16:19.440 They go out of the 60 days, guess what's happened? They've met their person. 304 00:16:19.920 --> 00:16:23.040 The most negative person, the most 305 00:16:23.680 --> 00:16:25.120 Debbie Downer 306 00:16:25.120 --> 00:16:29.640 complainer who had ever, and we would be like, man, that girl is just never gonna find her mate. 307 00:16:29.640 --> 00:16:33.040 She is just, it is not that she's ugly on the outside, 308 00:16:33.040 --> 00:16:37.560 but her whole spirit's ugly, like no dude's ever gonna like her. Like that's where even we get in our flesh. 309 00:16:37.560 --> 00:16:43.520 And we watch what the Holy Spirit does during the negativity fast. And sure enough, every single time 310 00:16:43.720 --> 00:16:48.240 these women come out of that fast, boom, there's their guy. I can't explain it. 311 00:16:48.240 --> 00:16:50.280 So please don't make me push you to that point. 312 00:16:50.280 --> 00:16:54.240 Don't push Bethany or Jackie to the point where we have to like really go, no. 313 00:16:54.840 --> 00:17:01.760 So yes, we want you to share your discouragements, but we really want you to focus on what's working. 314 00:17:01.760 --> 00:17:03.600 We really want you to see all of that. 315 00:17:03.600 --> 00:17:08.720 So if your dating life is stinking, the first thing I might say to you is 316 00:17:09.079 --> 00:17:12.599 what are you doing to feed your soul and your mind and your spirit? 317 00:17:12.599 --> 00:17:18.240 My pastor always used to say that when people say I feel very far from God, he's really distant. 318 00:17:18.240 --> 00:17:24.319 He's not really answering my prayers. The first thing my pastor will say is, so how often are you getting in the Word? 319 00:17:24.319 --> 00:17:30.280 How often are you meeting alone with God? How often are you doing something fun with God? Like where is he in your story? 320 00:17:30.280 --> 00:17:34.120 Well, you know, I haven't been to church. Well, I haven't had time to read the Bible. I've been busy at work. 321 00:17:34.800 --> 00:17:41.440 Well, if a relationship is not cultivated then and it's not cared for, then that relationship is gonna go sour. 322 00:17:41.440 --> 00:17:44.560 And that actually begins with our relationship with ourself. 323 00:17:44.560 --> 00:17:49.880 If we go down in negativity train, chances are is we're not taking care of ourself. 324 00:17:50.560 --> 00:17:52.560 And so write this down. 325 00:17:52.800 --> 00:17:58.640 Write this down. I want you to check your PI's. I teach this in the boundary teaching, but I'm pulling it out today. 326 00:17:58.640 --> 00:18:03.080 So if you've not watched the boundary teaching, it's the fourth video. You're gonna, these are two acronyms. 327 00:18:03.240 --> 00:18:05.400 So the first acronym is PI's. 328 00:18:05.720 --> 00:18:12.120 Your second acronym is habits. If you are feeling down in the, down in the dirt and you're like, oh my gosh Renee, 329 00:18:12.120 --> 00:18:17.520 I just can't get out from underneath this. I want you to look at your PI's. So your PI's, the P is for physical. 330 00:18:17.840 --> 00:18:21.840 How is your physical well-being? Are you getting sleep? 331 00:18:23.440 --> 00:18:25.640 Are you getting healthy food in your body? 332 00:18:26.640 --> 00:18:28.640 Are you moving your body? 333 00:18:29.640 --> 00:18:35.440 Are you taking the medicine that you're supposed to be taking? Are you eating foods that you should or shouldn't be taking? 334 00:18:35.440 --> 00:18:36.960 So your physical body, 335 00:18:36.960 --> 00:18:43.560 how's your physical body doing? If your physical body is not being cared for, it's really hard for you to take care of yourself. 336 00:18:43.960 --> 00:18:47.000 The second word is I for intellectual. 337 00:18:47.640 --> 00:18:54.800 How are you doing with your mind? Are you reading inspirational things? Are you watching inspirational podcasts? 338 00:18:54.800 --> 00:18:56.800 Are you watching inspirational TV? 339 00:18:56.800 --> 00:19:03.320 Or are you watching every trash thing that's on the planet? And which it could be either love is blind, all the reality shows, 340 00:19:03.320 --> 00:19:05.440 I love love is blind, not gonna lie. 341 00:19:06.120 --> 00:19:12.440 Or the Hallmark movies, going down the Hallmark movie train or the news. You guys, my dad used to watch, 342 00:19:12.440 --> 00:19:18.240 there's something about men and women over 60 watching Fox News all damn day long. 343 00:19:18.240 --> 00:19:24.440 I don't know what it is, but man, that would make me want to slit my wrist. Like it's just exhausting to watch news 344 00:19:24.880 --> 00:19:31.600 24-7. We were not meant to do that. So intellectually, what are you putting in your mind? Is it healthy for you? 345 00:19:31.840 --> 00:19:33.240 E, 346 00:19:33.240 --> 00:19:38.160 emotional. How is your emotional health? How are you doing on your emotion? 347 00:19:38.160 --> 00:19:43.160 Are you expressing all of the emotions? Do you have a place to unpack your emotions? 348 00:19:43.160 --> 00:19:48.600 Is there a safe place for you to do that? Whether it's with family, friends, a 12-step meeting, your counselor. 349 00:19:48.800 --> 00:19:53.440 How well are you acknowledging your feelings and giving them its proper space, 350 00:19:54.520 --> 00:20:00.080 but not letting them run you amok? Like you might have to say, I feel a lot 351 00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:10.980 loan, but is that true? I feel like a failure, but is that true? Okay. The S is spiritual. 352 00:20:10.980 --> 00:20:15.320 So I've already kind of alluded to that. How is your spiritual life going? Are you getting 353 00:20:15.320 --> 00:20:23.840 to church? Are you in the word? Are you praying? Are you worshiping the Lord? Are you whatever 354 00:20:23.840 --> 00:20:29.400 you need that you know, moves your spiritual needle forward. So check your pies, physical, 355 00:20:29.400 --> 00:20:34.660 intellectual, emotional, or spiritual. If those aren't in sync, and then it's going 356 00:20:34.660 --> 00:20:39.180 to be really hard for you to do anything I just said for the last 20 months, 20 minutes. 357 00:20:39.180 --> 00:20:44.380 So you want to get those right first. The other thing you want to look at is your habits. 358 00:20:44.380 --> 00:21:00.260 Are you hungry? So H is hungry. A is angry. B is bored. I is isolated. T is tired. S is 359 00:21:00.260 --> 00:21:08.720 stressed. If you are hungry, angry, bored, isolated, tired, or stressed, it's really 360 00:21:08.720 --> 00:21:12.960 going to be hard for you to have a good attitude. So if you're hungry, you might just need a 361 00:21:12.960 --> 00:21:18.020 good meal. You might need to stop thinking about what's going on. Don't get online. Don't 362 00:21:18.020 --> 00:21:22.180 talk to anybody, but go get some food. And y'all, I don't mean junk food. I mean the 363 00:21:22.180 --> 00:21:28.260 perimeter of the store food, the food that God created, single source, whole food items. 364 00:21:28.260 --> 00:21:33.260 We're big believers of single source, whole food items here. Lean protein, vegetables, 365 00:21:33.260 --> 00:21:41.940 fruit, the stuff God made. Okay. Angry, usually angry. I love Jackie and Bethany says all 366 00:21:41.960 --> 00:21:48.920 the time. Angry is typically hurts shield or hurts armor. So if you're angry about something, 367 00:21:48.920 --> 00:21:55.740 maybe dig deeper and unpack what you might be hurt about. Where might you be sad? And 368 00:21:55.740 --> 00:22:00.720 acknowledge that and let it have its proper space. Bored, maybe you need to go out and 369 00:22:00.720 --> 00:22:06.260 do something fun. Like go do something fun and silly. Just get out and have some fun 370 00:22:06.260 --> 00:22:11.320 and make sure you laugh. Watch a 20 minute comedy thing. Um, but go do something. Get 371 00:22:11.320 --> 00:22:15.240 on board. Isolated. You might eat. You're like Renee, but I have no friends. I have 372 00:22:15.240 --> 00:22:23.800 no family. Then go to a coffee shop. Um, go somewhere, go anywhere, go to a park, go play 373 00:22:23.800 --> 00:22:28.880 any, go down your cute little street, go find a place to get you out of the home. You guys, 374 00:22:28.880 --> 00:22:34.520 I'm now working from home full time and I'm an extrovert and it has been really, really 375 00:22:34.520 --> 00:22:39.120 done a number on my psyche. I don't know. I worked at a nonprofit. I ran a clinic so 376 00:22:39.120 --> 00:22:43.620 I didn't have to deal with the shutdown. Like when COVID happened, even as a single person, 377 00:22:43.620 --> 00:22:47.540 I still had to go into the office. So I didn't go through that darkness that a lot of people 378 00:22:47.540 --> 00:22:52.380 went to in COVID. And so I will just say, if you're isolated, you need to get out tired. 379 00:22:52.380 --> 00:22:57.660 Y'all, you might need to go to sleep, like put the TV off and get to bed early and then 380 00:22:57.660 --> 00:23:03.820 stressed. You know, might need to add like a somatic yoga exercise to your day. A gentle 381 00:23:04.120 --> 00:23:09.520 walk, gentle movement, anything like a 20 minute yoga, gentle. If you hate yoga and 382 00:23:09.520 --> 00:23:12.880 you think it's demonic, then go do some other kind of movement. I'm not going to debate 383 00:23:12.880 --> 00:23:19.820 that with y'all. Go for a walk, just be gentle with your body, go out in nature. Um, so sometimes 384 00:23:19.820 --> 00:23:24.560 you actually have to take care of your pies and your habits before you can do anything 385 00:23:24.560 --> 00:23:29.360 else on this dating thing. None of those things will work if those things are out of whack. 386 00:23:29.360 --> 00:23:36.380 Does that make sense? Awesome. Um, okay. And then of course, really try not to focus 387 00:23:36.380 --> 00:23:41.380 on the outcomes right away. Try to just enjoy the process. When I've been in any kind of 388 00:23:41.380 --> 00:23:47.660 experiential or retreat type setting somewhere on the wall, it says, trust the process, trust 389 00:23:47.660 --> 00:23:52.340 the process, trust the process. And it means to stop looking at the outcome. So just trust 390 00:23:52.340 --> 00:23:57.880 this process, you know, watch dating a one Oh one until you can teach that class yourself. 391 00:23:57.880 --> 00:24:03.920 Watch um, levels of dating and online dating and boundaries until you know that that content 392 00:24:03.920 --> 00:24:09.280 so well, you can help me teach it. Like let it become a part of your very fabric of your 393 00:24:09.280 --> 00:24:13.200 beating. Go out and try the things that we're discussing, but you guys make sure you make 394 00:24:13.200 --> 00:24:17.760 time to be with your family and your friends and you live like I want you to live life. 395 00:24:17.760 --> 00:24:21.880 I finally got to the place. Now here's the thing. I hate the phrase, be content in your 396 00:24:22.420 --> 00:24:27.860 singleness because usually when people say it means give up, right? Just be content. 397 00:24:27.860 --> 00:24:31.340 You're never going to get married to just suck it up and, and like maybe they don't 398 00:24:31.340 --> 00:24:35.320 always mean it, but I feel like that's like the undertone. So here's where I landed by 399 00:24:35.320 --> 00:24:43.700 a year ago and I even feel this way now, even with Rick, I 100% suspect I will die always 400 00:24:43.700 --> 00:24:47.940 wanting to be married. I don't think that that desire is ever going to leave my body, 401 00:24:47.940 --> 00:24:52.360 but I'm also not going to compromise. And I also know that I'm a hundred percent who 402 00:24:52.360 --> 00:24:57.240 God's made me to be single. Does that mean I'm content? I don't know. I'm actually not 403 00:24:57.240 --> 00:24:59.520 completely content about it. There are some, 404 00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:03.220 There's some discomfort still being single. 405 00:25:03.220 --> 00:25:04.780 I really want to be married. 406 00:25:04.780 --> 00:25:06.500 I do, and I'm okay with that. 407 00:25:06.500 --> 00:25:08.620 So I'm willing to sit in what I call the tension. 408 00:25:08.620 --> 00:25:11.620 So I don't call it content, I call it tension. 409 00:25:11.620 --> 00:25:14.260 I'm in the tension of trusting God, 410 00:25:14.260 --> 00:25:16.160 being all that he's made me to be 411 00:25:16.160 --> 00:25:17.580 while I still want to be married. 412 00:25:17.580 --> 00:25:19.980 So that's the place I want to get you all to, 413 00:25:19.980 --> 00:25:22.260 that you can enjoy and fully live the life 414 00:25:22.260 --> 00:25:25.460 that's in front of you while you hold tension and space 415 00:25:25.460 --> 00:25:27.460 for the part of you that still wants to get married. 416 00:25:27.460 --> 00:25:29.360 They can both coexist. 417 00:25:29.360 --> 00:25:31.640 Okay, so my teaching is up. 418 00:25:31.640 --> 00:25:33.800 We are almost at the bottom of the hour. 419 00:25:33.800 --> 00:25:37.920 The floor is yours for the next 30 minutes. 420 00:25:37.920 --> 00:25:39.440 Beth, you are up first. 421 00:25:42.760 --> 00:25:43.600 Hey, Renee. 422 00:25:43.600 --> 00:25:48.320 Okay, so this is my first time talking in I think phase two. 423 00:25:48.320 --> 00:25:51.260 So I love that there's only 13 people, it's perfect. 424 00:25:52.920 --> 00:25:55.560 So, okay, so this is kind of a little bit of my story. 425 00:25:55.560 --> 00:25:56.560 This is not a complaint. 426 00:25:56.560 --> 00:25:58.900 This is a, I need some processing. 427 00:25:59.660 --> 00:26:02.340 So got divorced, was married for 23 years, 428 00:26:02.340 --> 00:26:07.180 got divorced end of 2018, didn't date for several years. 429 00:26:07.180 --> 00:26:09.380 I had no desire to get remarried 430 00:26:09.380 --> 00:26:12.820 or hang out with any gentlemen after that experience. 431 00:26:12.820 --> 00:26:15.060 But I got over that. 432 00:26:15.060 --> 00:26:20.060 And I guess now after a couple of years, I started dating. 433 00:26:21.260 --> 00:26:22.380 Of course, that was terrifying 434 00:26:22.380 --> 00:26:24.100 after being married for 23 years. 435 00:26:24.100 --> 00:26:25.980 I was like, oh my gosh, how do you do this? 436 00:26:25.980 --> 00:26:28.380 But my point in saying that is 437 00:26:28.380 --> 00:26:29.740 I made myself go out there 438 00:26:29.740 --> 00:26:33.740 and I probably went on like 27 first dates, right? 439 00:26:33.740 --> 00:26:36.660 Like I just, I, yeah, I know, it's crazy. 440 00:26:36.660 --> 00:26:38.100 I've been there, I get it. 441 00:26:38.100 --> 00:26:39.140 I just had to go for it. 442 00:26:39.140 --> 00:26:42.060 I was like, if I'm gonna get over myself, I just have to go. 443 00:26:42.060 --> 00:26:44.140 And I just had to realize, 444 00:26:44.140 --> 00:26:46.020 even though I still did have the romantic notion, 445 00:26:46.020 --> 00:26:48.140 was like, I know how to talk to people. 446 00:26:48.140 --> 00:26:50.460 I'll just go out with men and I'll talk to them 447 00:26:50.460 --> 00:26:51.340 and it'll be okay. 448 00:26:51.340 --> 00:26:52.260 And it was. 449 00:26:52.260 --> 00:26:55.220 Okay, so for about a year and a half, two years, 450 00:26:55.220 --> 00:26:58.060 did that, dated two different people, 451 00:26:58.740 --> 00:27:00.660 I would say like had a dating relationship 452 00:27:00.660 --> 00:27:01.580 with two different people. 453 00:27:01.580 --> 00:27:02.500 Okay, whatever, fine. 454 00:27:02.500 --> 00:27:05.260 Okay, and then I realized if I'm gonna do this, 455 00:27:05.260 --> 00:27:07.660 I really, I'm not dating to date. 456 00:27:07.660 --> 00:27:09.980 I want some, okay, fine. 457 00:27:09.980 --> 00:27:11.420 Then that just like, it all died off. 458 00:27:11.420 --> 00:27:13.940 There just wasn't, there just, it just didn't happen. 459 00:27:13.940 --> 00:27:16.700 So it was kind of just this dead wasteland. 460 00:27:16.700 --> 00:27:18.180 Enter last year single. 461 00:27:18.180 --> 00:27:19.740 I had to totally suspend disbelief 462 00:27:19.740 --> 00:27:21.420 because honestly for me, it felt really cheesy 463 00:27:21.420 --> 00:27:23.340 in that sense, like the name of it. 464 00:27:23.340 --> 00:27:25.580 I was like, I don't know, it felt desperate. 465 00:27:25.580 --> 00:27:27.220 But anyway, I, anyway, I couldn't, 466 00:27:27.220 --> 00:27:29.860 I listened to Jackie's first three teachings before 467 00:27:29.860 --> 00:27:33.180 and I was like, this is God, I gotta click the button. 468 00:27:33.180 --> 00:27:34.900 So anyway, that's how I got here. 469 00:27:35.780 --> 00:27:37.940 So sorry for all that background, but. 470 00:27:39.740 --> 00:27:44.140 Okay, so we do the five or eight weeks of phase one grade. 471 00:27:44.140 --> 00:27:46.100 I enter this, I'm like, I've done this before. 472 00:27:46.100 --> 00:27:47.980 It'll be great, it'll be fine, it'll be whatever. 473 00:27:47.980 --> 00:27:52.460 And I have just been like kind of ambivalent 474 00:27:52.460 --> 00:27:54.900 and not really engaged. 475 00:27:54.900 --> 00:27:56.620 So at first I was like, okay, well, 476 00:27:56.620 --> 00:27:58.220 the whole idea of marriage, 477 00:27:58.220 --> 00:28:00.260 even though I've kind of intellectually decided 478 00:28:00.260 --> 00:28:03.940 like my heart was having a hard time catching up. 479 00:28:03.940 --> 00:28:06.660 So I got to the point where I could say 480 00:28:06.660 --> 00:28:08.580 I'm ready to meet the love of my life. 481 00:28:08.580 --> 00:28:09.740 Like I'm ready to meet that person. 482 00:28:09.740 --> 00:28:11.340 Like, am I ready to get married right this second? 483 00:28:11.340 --> 00:28:15.300 Nope, but when I meet them and we build a relationship, 484 00:28:15.300 --> 00:28:16.660 then I'll be ready. 485 00:28:16.660 --> 00:28:19.100 So I feel like I've done that process 486 00:28:19.100 --> 00:28:22.100 with the Lord and other people to be like, okay, okay. 487 00:28:22.100 --> 00:28:24.220 I don't have to say I'm getting married next week. 488 00:28:24.260 --> 00:28:26.860 I'm just ready to meet somebody. 489 00:28:26.860 --> 00:28:28.780 But I feel like I've been super ambivalent. 490 00:28:28.780 --> 00:28:30.780 I feel like I'll start things, 491 00:28:30.780 --> 00:28:32.420 but I'm just, it's like not clicking. 492 00:28:32.420 --> 00:28:33.980 And I don't know if that's just me, 493 00:28:33.980 --> 00:28:36.780 not really, you know, putting in the, 494 00:28:36.780 --> 00:28:39.620 I know that I'm not fully putting in the effort 495 00:28:39.620 --> 00:28:40.980 because it's a lot of work. 496 00:28:41.820 --> 00:28:43.420 But I guess I'm just trying to go like, 497 00:28:43.420 --> 00:28:44.900 is there any thoughts or advice 498 00:28:44.900 --> 00:28:47.780 on how to get my head in the game 499 00:28:47.780 --> 00:28:51.420 to where I'm a little more focused and willing? 500 00:28:51.420 --> 00:28:52.500 I mean, I don't know. 501 00:28:52.540 --> 00:28:54.980 And that's very roundabout, sorry. 502 00:28:54.980 --> 00:28:55.820 No, no, no. 503 00:28:55.820 --> 00:28:58.260 So I would say, 504 00:28:58.260 --> 00:29:02.780 I think I shared a lot of ways that you can meet people. 505 00:29:02.780 --> 00:29:06.220 Obviously, you know how to get first dates. 506 00:29:06.220 --> 00:29:09.700 So you have to first look at your God-defended list. 507 00:29:09.700 --> 00:29:13.340 What are the things that you're looking for in a person 508 00:29:13.340 --> 00:29:15.140 that aren't the self-defended list, 509 00:29:15.140 --> 00:29:16.660 but the God-defended list? 510 00:29:16.660 --> 00:29:18.980 And maybe pay attention on that list. 511 00:29:18.980 --> 00:29:21.460 Where might he most likely be? 512 00:29:21.620 --> 00:29:24.500 Where might you most likely run into him? 513 00:29:24.500 --> 00:29:26.940 And then if you think about that, 514 00:29:26.940 --> 00:29:29.300 think about the venues you most likely 515 00:29:29.300 --> 00:29:33.860 would be willing to go into first to go find him. 516 00:29:33.860 --> 00:29:37.300 So you might not pick an online dating place 517 00:29:37.300 --> 00:29:39.100 because you're like, ugh, I know how to do that. 518 00:29:39.100 --> 00:29:41.180 Like, I know how to do that. 519 00:29:41.180 --> 00:29:45.100 I want a guy who likes to go out and hike. 520 00:29:45.100 --> 00:29:47.420 Well, I'm gonna Google in my town, 521 00:29:47.460 --> 00:29:51.580 local hiking clubs, meetups that only go hiking. 522 00:29:51.580 --> 00:29:53.940 I really wanna be with somebody who does pickleball. 523 00:29:53.940 --> 00:29:57.140 I'm gonna join my local pickleball thing. 524 00:29:58.220 --> 00:30:00.140 I want a guy who's altruistic. 525 00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:05.000 I'm going to commit that every Saturday, I'm going to join a different volunteer thing 526 00:30:05.000 --> 00:30:10.800 that's like a two or three hour gig where I might meet other single people, you know, 527 00:30:10.800 --> 00:30:13.360 that like to volunteer. 528 00:30:13.360 --> 00:30:16.320 So start to think about the qualities you're looking for. 529 00:30:16.320 --> 00:30:19.680 I mean, don't just pick Christian because, and guess what you guys, here's the problem 530 00:30:19.680 --> 00:30:26.040 with a lot of single men that are Christian is if they have no kids, they go in a church 531 00:30:26.040 --> 00:30:29.120 at the last minute and they bail out the door. 532 00:30:29.120 --> 00:30:34.560 So chances of you actually bumping into them at church may not be high as you think. 533 00:30:34.560 --> 00:30:38.840 And again, remember we talked about the wasteland that is 35 to 55. 534 00:30:38.840 --> 00:30:43.620 If your guy is in that age category, he is like so scared to show up at any singles ministry 535 00:30:43.620 --> 00:30:48.640 that the church has because it's usually 50 women and one guy and he feels pounced on. 536 00:30:48.640 --> 00:30:50.280 And so he's not even showing up there. 537 00:30:50.280 --> 00:30:56.020 So that might be my encouragement to you is look at the qualities that you're looking 538 00:30:56.020 --> 00:31:00.900 for a person and start to dream about where you think he might be and where he might be 539 00:31:00.900 --> 00:31:07.740 showing up and just start there picking something that you would like to do so it doesn't feel 540 00:31:07.740 --> 00:31:10.580 like a job for you, right? 541 00:31:10.580 --> 00:31:15.220 Like you're friendly, you're pretty, you know, you probably Beth just need to show up in 542 00:31:15.220 --> 00:31:19.460 a few places and you're going to get some attention. 543 00:31:19.460 --> 00:31:23.700 You know, I mean, it's not going to take you long to do that if you just get out there. 544 00:31:23.700 --> 00:31:26.620 So that would be my, that's what my gut is telling me. 545 00:31:26.620 --> 00:31:31.340 My gut, the Holy Spirit is telling me to tell you is go out and find some things to do that 546 00:31:31.340 --> 00:31:35.380 you like to do that you're hoping he likes to do too. 547 00:31:35.380 --> 00:31:39.580 And you might start, not just maybe, and you might not even meet men right away. 548 00:31:39.580 --> 00:31:42.940 Maybe you'll meet couples and then you're like, Hey, you know, and this is what you 549 00:31:42.940 --> 00:31:47.040 can say to couples that you meet, like, you know what, I'm out there dating again. 550 00:31:47.040 --> 00:31:48.240 It's really hard. 551 00:31:48.240 --> 00:31:52.220 If you guys ever want to invite me to picnics and parties, don't worry that I'm, I may or 552 00:31:52.220 --> 00:31:56.980 may not only be the single person there because the more married couples you meet, the more 553 00:31:56.980 --> 00:32:01.220 they might know the single guy that's not going to show up to anything and won't get 554 00:32:01.220 --> 00:32:02.220 online. 555 00:32:02.220 --> 00:32:04.580 And he might be that, that might be the best way. 556 00:32:04.580 --> 00:32:07.220 The other thing, Oh, this is just coming to me. 557 00:32:07.220 --> 00:32:11.020 The other thing, this one woman swore by, she's like, Renee, do you like college basketball? 558 00:32:11.020 --> 00:32:12.900 I'm like, Oh, I love college basketball. 559 00:32:12.900 --> 00:32:18.540 She's like, I bought season tickets at like Vanderbilt's college basketball. 560 00:32:18.540 --> 00:32:23.540 And I, because when you buy season tickets, you start to get to know the people in that 561 00:32:23.540 --> 00:32:24.540 area. 562 00:32:24.540 --> 00:32:30.220 And usually if people have season tickets, I got some money, but you can start to get, 563 00:32:30.220 --> 00:32:35.100 and that's another way to get to know a completely different group of people that aren't your 564 00:32:35.100 --> 00:32:37.300 same old, same old church people. 565 00:32:37.300 --> 00:32:44.460 So again, it's trying to put yourself, expose yourself to new people who either might be 566 00:32:44.460 --> 00:32:48.020 your guy or know people who know your guy. 567 00:32:48.020 --> 00:32:50.620 And that's what Jackie calls community matchmaking. 568 00:32:50.620 --> 00:32:54.100 So that might help you kind of get out of your with it right now. 569 00:32:54.100 --> 00:32:55.100 How's that feel? 570 00:32:55.100 --> 00:32:56.100 Does that feel like good? 571 00:32:56.100 --> 00:32:57.100 Awesome. 572 00:32:57.100 --> 00:32:58.100 Great question. 573 00:32:58.100 --> 00:32:59.900 That's a really great question. 574 00:32:59.900 --> 00:33:03.380 And you guys, that's applicable to all of you. 575 00:33:03.380 --> 00:33:07.260 If any of the online dating feels like a job, find something you love to do. 576 00:33:07.260 --> 00:33:10.900 Let me quickly answer Carrie's question in the thing. 577 00:33:10.900 --> 00:33:11.900 Okay. 578 00:33:11.900 --> 00:33:16.260 Do you, do people put in their profile, um, word describing godly women, et cetera, just 579 00:33:16.260 --> 00:33:17.860 check the box Christian. 580 00:33:17.860 --> 00:33:20.060 It really, I've seen it all ways. 581 00:33:20.060 --> 00:33:27.260 Um, I know for me, I put Christian in as a box and here's how I shared my faith. 582 00:33:27.260 --> 00:33:28.260 Very simple. 583 00:33:28.260 --> 00:33:34.460 I am looking for somebody who's willing to grow mind, counseling, body, physically fit, 584 00:33:34.460 --> 00:33:38.820 eating healthy, spirit, relationship with Jesus. 585 00:33:38.820 --> 00:33:39.820 That's it. 586 00:33:39.820 --> 00:33:40.980 That is all I wrote about my faith. 587 00:33:40.980 --> 00:33:45.080 I want somebody willing to grow mind, body, spirit, because I wanted him to think I was 588 00:33:45.080 --> 00:33:47.800 more than just a Jesus girl, right? 589 00:33:48.740 --> 00:33:52.160 There was time in the conversations for me to get to Jesus girl and like, Oh, and by 590 00:33:52.160 --> 00:33:55.680 the way, I've been in ministry full time for 25 years now I'm in seminary. 591 00:33:55.680 --> 00:33:57.440 Have I scared you off yet on my faith? 592 00:33:57.440 --> 00:34:01.320 You know, like I don't feel like I want to throw that bomb on them right away. 593 00:34:01.320 --> 00:34:08.400 So I think it's okay as women that you mention it once, but make it part of more than one 594 00:34:08.400 --> 00:34:09.400 thing about you. 595 00:34:09.400 --> 00:34:12.120 You want to show a guy that you're more than just your faith. 596 00:34:12.120 --> 00:34:18.440 Now guys, I know Jackie has said that some Christian men don't put their faith at all 597 00:34:18.440 --> 00:34:22.639 because they don't want to get swarmed by Christian women wanting to get married. 598 00:34:22.639 --> 00:34:26.040 I can only tell you my experience, which is pretty in depth. 599 00:34:26.040 --> 00:34:32.480 I have yet to meet a man who did not put Christian, but was actually Christian. 600 00:34:32.480 --> 00:34:37.040 Usually if they put nothing or spiritual, but they had everything else in the looks 601 00:34:37.040 --> 00:34:38.040 I was looking for. 602 00:34:38.040 --> 00:34:41.520 They were local and I started talking to them nine out of 10 times. 603 00:34:41.520 --> 00:34:46.360 They barely had a faith system at all, or not one that matched up for me. 604 00:34:46.360 --> 00:34:50.480 Now, many guys don't put their faith in their bio. 605 00:34:50.480 --> 00:34:53.239 They still might just check Christian. 606 00:34:53.239 --> 00:34:55.560 And so the jury's out on that. 607 00:34:55.560 --> 00:34:59.840 Don't assume one way or the other, and you guys, in case you've not heard me say 608 00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:04.280 is here's how I ask the faith conversations in text. 609 00:35:04.280 --> 00:35:05.120 So please hear this, 610 00:35:05.120 --> 00:35:08.800 because people like want to talk about sex. 611 00:35:08.800 --> 00:35:10.280 I'm not gonna have sex till I get married 612 00:35:10.280 --> 00:35:12.280 and is he a Jesus lover? 613 00:35:12.280 --> 00:35:16.360 Like in the first text message, no, no, no, no, no. 614 00:35:16.360 --> 00:35:17.200 And I know some of you are like, 615 00:35:17.200 --> 00:35:19.240 well, why am I gonna waste my time talking to a guy 616 00:35:19.240 --> 00:35:20.920 if he's not a Jesus lover? 617 00:35:20.920 --> 00:35:22.360 Because we don't know yet 618 00:35:22.360 --> 00:35:24.540 that you've got mad dating skills yet. 619 00:35:24.540 --> 00:35:27.780 Right now we're still trying to practice your dating skills 620 00:35:27.780 --> 00:35:30.720 and making sure that you know how to woo men in, 621 00:35:30.720 --> 00:35:33.180 drop the hanky, let him lead. 622 00:35:33.180 --> 00:35:36.040 So until we see that you consistently know how to do that, 623 00:35:36.040 --> 00:35:37.960 we want you practicing dating, 624 00:35:37.960 --> 00:35:40.200 because not every guy, not every believer 625 00:35:40.200 --> 00:35:42.120 is gonna vomit all that information up front. 626 00:35:42.120 --> 00:35:44.160 Just because you're like Jesus right away 627 00:35:44.160 --> 00:35:46.000 doesn't mean that he is. 628 00:35:46.000 --> 00:35:49.520 And so here's usually the question I like to ask people. 629 00:35:50.520 --> 00:35:54.240 What are the things that you enjoy 630 00:35:54.240 --> 00:35:55.960 or are important to you 631 00:35:56.020 --> 00:35:59.380 that take up the majority of your time these days? 632 00:35:59.380 --> 00:36:03.780 What do you enjoy or what is important to you 633 00:36:03.780 --> 00:36:07.260 that take up the majority of your time these days? 634 00:36:07.260 --> 00:36:09.180 Because I don't care if they mentioned faith 635 00:36:09.180 --> 00:36:10.920 if it's zero part of their time. 636 00:36:10.920 --> 00:36:13.480 Whatever they're spending time on right now, you guys, 637 00:36:13.480 --> 00:36:14.880 that's what matters to them. 638 00:36:15.780 --> 00:36:19.140 Whether it's their kids or their job, their golf course, 639 00:36:19.140 --> 00:36:20.900 whatever they say are the things 640 00:36:20.900 --> 00:36:22.380 that they're spending their time in, 641 00:36:22.380 --> 00:36:24.560 that's their priority right now. 642 00:36:24.560 --> 00:36:26.640 They may have a wishlist in front of them, 643 00:36:26.640 --> 00:36:28.940 but it's how they speak right now. 644 00:36:28.940 --> 00:36:33.300 Now, and then I sometimes I'll say, let me go first. 645 00:36:33.300 --> 00:36:36.500 I like to hike, work out, eat healthy. 646 00:36:36.500 --> 00:36:39.120 I love live community theater. 647 00:36:39.120 --> 00:36:40.620 I love college sports. 648 00:36:40.620 --> 00:36:43.940 I'm active in my church and I love to volunteer. 649 00:36:43.940 --> 00:36:46.340 Do you see how I slipped my faith in there? 650 00:36:46.340 --> 00:36:48.600 But it wasn't like, oh my gosh. 651 00:36:48.600 --> 00:36:51.900 It was one of all of the things that make Renee Renee. 652 00:36:51.920 --> 00:36:56.080 Now, if he responds to that and I hear Zippo about church, 653 00:36:56.080 --> 00:36:58.880 I don't ask him, I didn't hear you mention Jesus. 654 00:36:58.880 --> 00:37:00.380 Do you follow Jesus yet? 655 00:37:00.380 --> 00:37:03.000 I just go, hmm, note to self. 656 00:37:03.000 --> 00:37:05.600 And then I wait till we're on a video call, 657 00:37:05.600 --> 00:37:07.360 which, because remember, I don't, 658 00:37:07.360 --> 00:37:09.040 if you watch the online dating, 659 00:37:09.040 --> 00:37:12.320 I don't text more than three or four times before I say, 660 00:37:12.320 --> 00:37:13.680 hey, those are great questions. 661 00:37:13.680 --> 00:37:15.000 I'm done texting. 662 00:37:15.000 --> 00:37:16.540 If you wanna keep talking to me, 663 00:37:16.540 --> 00:37:18.360 I need to switch over to video. 664 00:37:18.360 --> 00:37:20.440 I find texting too clunky. 665 00:37:20.440 --> 00:37:21.720 I don't give out phone numbers. 666 00:37:22.540 --> 00:37:23.360 I don't care if it's a Google number. 667 00:37:23.360 --> 00:37:26.380 I don't want them have access to continue the texting mania 668 00:37:26.380 --> 00:37:27.620 like some of you are complaining. 669 00:37:27.620 --> 00:37:29.540 He's texting me at work. 670 00:37:29.540 --> 00:37:32.180 Well, cause you gave him your phone number 671 00:37:32.180 --> 00:37:34.860 or he's calling me every night without booking a date 672 00:37:34.860 --> 00:37:37.180 cause you gave him a phone number. 673 00:37:37.180 --> 00:37:40.380 That's why I like to book a video date 674 00:37:40.380 --> 00:37:42.940 before I give away any phone number 675 00:37:42.940 --> 00:37:45.660 cause I wanna control how often they're communicating 676 00:37:45.660 --> 00:37:47.660 with me and I wanna see them first. 677 00:37:47.660 --> 00:37:50.020 And people are like, well, why do you wanna see them first? 678 00:37:50.020 --> 00:37:51.500 I don't wanna say like, oh, it's cause I don't know 679 00:37:52.320 --> 00:37:53.160 if you're a scammer. 680 00:37:53.160 --> 00:37:54.560 No, I'm just like, I say, you know what you guys, 681 00:37:54.560 --> 00:37:55.840 I'm super ADD. 682 00:37:55.840 --> 00:37:57.120 I'm very visual. 683 00:37:57.120 --> 00:37:59.200 I learn about people better when I can see them, 684 00:37:59.200 --> 00:38:01.160 especially the first time. 685 00:38:01.160 --> 00:38:03.340 And if they don't find that comforting or not 686 00:38:03.340 --> 00:38:05.880 and they don't wanna accommodate that, I'm done with them. 687 00:38:05.880 --> 00:38:07.800 Bye-bye, no big deal. 688 00:38:07.800 --> 00:38:10.060 And so that's how you control them. 689 00:38:10.060 --> 00:38:11.660 Like they're texting me too much. 690 00:38:11.660 --> 00:38:12.800 They're calling me too much. 691 00:38:12.800 --> 00:38:16.080 Make sure, be smart about giving out that phone number. 692 00:38:16.080 --> 00:38:18.960 Book a couple dates, let them be consistent 693 00:38:18.960 --> 00:38:20.720 before you give out something as precious 694 00:38:20.740 --> 00:38:22.980 as a number to reach you 24 seven. 695 00:38:22.980 --> 00:38:24.100 That's all I'm saying. 696 00:38:24.100 --> 00:38:26.740 I did a sidebar there, I didn't mean to. 697 00:38:26.740 --> 00:38:29.500 But usually around the date, a video date 698 00:38:29.500 --> 00:38:30.900 is when I can learn a little bit more 699 00:38:30.900 --> 00:38:32.460 and share a little bit more about my faith. 700 00:38:32.460 --> 00:38:33.900 Like, hey, I just talked about church. 701 00:38:33.900 --> 00:38:37.740 Is that, is church or your faith a part of your life? 702 00:38:37.740 --> 00:38:40.060 That's the other question I will ask on a video. 703 00:38:40.060 --> 00:38:42.940 Is faith a part of your life? 704 00:38:42.940 --> 00:38:46.440 And or how does faith show up for you today? 705 00:38:46.440 --> 00:38:48.700 How does faith show up for you today? 706 00:38:48.700 --> 00:38:50.120 I don't ask for their attendance. 707 00:38:50.540 --> 00:38:52.100 I don't ask if they speak in tongues, 708 00:38:52.100 --> 00:38:53.740 which spiritual gifts they have, 709 00:38:53.740 --> 00:38:56.000 what fruit of the spirit they're modeling. 710 00:38:56.000 --> 00:38:58.960 I always say, how is faith showing up in your life today? 711 00:38:58.960 --> 00:39:01.980 And that simple question, you find out enough 712 00:39:01.980 --> 00:39:03.860 if you wanna keep moving forward. 713 00:39:03.860 --> 00:39:05.180 Okay, enough said about that. 714 00:39:05.180 --> 00:39:08.100 I got a sideways, but that was good information to teach you. 715 00:39:08.100 --> 00:39:08.940 Diane. 716 00:39:10.300 --> 00:39:11.700 So you actually answered one of my questions 717 00:39:11.700 --> 00:39:12.980 was about the over text. 718 00:39:12.980 --> 00:39:16.420 So basically don't give my number as soon as I did. 719 00:39:16.420 --> 00:39:17.260 Cause yeah. 720 00:39:17.260 --> 00:39:19.140 And then the other one is, 721 00:39:19.140 --> 00:39:20.800 so I had a really great date yesterday, 722 00:39:20.800 --> 00:39:22.760 but he did also mention he's gonna get deployed 723 00:39:22.760 --> 00:39:24.080 and it will be a three year stint. 724 00:39:24.080 --> 00:39:27.740 So to me that's like, okay, this is going nowhere. 725 00:39:29.960 --> 00:39:30.800 Bless. 726 00:39:32.800 --> 00:39:37.620 He's looking for some video buddies while he's deployed. 727 00:39:37.620 --> 00:39:38.460 Oh, but so let me say. 728 00:39:38.460 --> 00:39:40.040 I didn't get that impression. 729 00:39:40.040 --> 00:39:42.480 We met through our kids at a birthday party. 730 00:39:42.480 --> 00:39:43.520 But just bad timing. 731 00:39:43.520 --> 00:39:45.360 I mean, keep talking to him if you want. 732 00:39:45.360 --> 00:39:48.080 I mean, you know, he gets, he will have leave and stuff, 733 00:39:48.100 --> 00:39:49.900 but it'll be a challenge. 734 00:39:49.900 --> 00:39:51.620 Well, and it's like legit deployed. 735 00:39:51.620 --> 00:39:52.600 Like Italy. 736 00:39:52.600 --> 00:39:53.440 I believe him. 737 00:39:53.440 --> 00:39:54.420 I was like, yeah. 738 00:39:54.420 --> 00:39:56.500 And I, and I know that he's in the military and all that, 739 00:39:56.500 --> 00:39:59.080 but I just was like, this is going nowhere. 740 00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:02.000 Do you want it to go somewhere? 741 00:40:02.000 --> 00:40:04.000 Um, I mean, we definitely have a lot in common. 742 00:40:04.000 --> 00:40:06.000 We have a lot of mutual friends, and it turns out 743 00:40:06.000 --> 00:40:08.000 we're actually from, like, a very similar 744 00:40:08.000 --> 00:40:10.000 neighborhood where we grew up, but 745 00:40:10.000 --> 00:40:12.000 he's legit going to be gone in Italy 746 00:40:12.000 --> 00:40:14.000 for three years. I'm not moving 747 00:40:14.000 --> 00:40:16.000 in the next six months. 748 00:40:16.000 --> 00:40:18.000 Well, it's funny that you say that. One of the girls in our 749 00:40:18.000 --> 00:40:20.000 community, she met a guy in our community 750 00:40:20.000 --> 00:40:22.000 who got deployed to 751 00:40:22.000 --> 00:40:24.000 Italy, and 752 00:40:24.000 --> 00:40:26.000 he comes to the States. 753 00:40:26.000 --> 00:40:28.000 Like, they're going to probably get married 754 00:40:28.000 --> 00:40:30.000 in the next year 755 00:40:30.000 --> 00:40:32.000 or two before he's done. 756 00:40:32.000 --> 00:40:34.000 But she's gone to Italy 757 00:40:34.000 --> 00:40:36.000 for summer breaks. 758 00:40:36.000 --> 00:40:38.000 I do speak Italian, and I've lived there, 759 00:40:38.000 --> 00:40:40.000 which he knows. 760 00:40:40.000 --> 00:40:42.000 I'm saying 761 00:40:42.000 --> 00:40:44.000 don't necessarily write it off. 762 00:40:44.000 --> 00:40:46.000 It's a yes until it's a no. 763 00:40:46.000 --> 00:40:48.000 Do I want you to put your eggs in that basket? 764 00:40:48.000 --> 00:40:50.000 No. 765 00:40:50.000 --> 00:40:52.000 I do have a date with Curtis on Friday, so I'm starting to... 766 00:40:52.000 --> 00:40:54.000 Don't write it off. As far as the overtexting, 767 00:40:54.000 --> 00:40:56.000 you guys, and I think I try to say 768 00:40:56.000 --> 00:40:58.000 this in somebody's question. When somebody 769 00:40:58.000 --> 00:41:00.000 starts to text you too much, you just 770 00:41:00.000 --> 00:41:02.000 set a boundary and just say, look, you know what? I hate 771 00:41:02.000 --> 00:41:04.000 texting as a way 772 00:41:04.000 --> 00:41:06.000 to get to know people. It's the only 773 00:41:06.000 --> 00:41:08.000 way you start online dating, but now 774 00:41:08.000 --> 00:41:10.000 that we're off the app, 775 00:41:10.000 --> 00:41:12.000 my preference is 776 00:41:12.000 --> 00:41:14.000 booking phone calls and 777 00:41:14.000 --> 00:41:16.000 video calls so that we can have 778 00:41:16.000 --> 00:41:18.000 intentional conversation because 779 00:41:18.000 --> 00:41:20.000 honestly, my work schedule and my family 780 00:41:20.000 --> 00:41:22.000 schedule is just too busy for me to 781 00:41:22.000 --> 00:41:24.000 text all day long. 782 00:41:24.000 --> 00:41:26.000 So he now said 783 00:41:26.000 --> 00:41:28.000 I prefer to book a phone 784 00:41:28.000 --> 00:41:30.000 call or a video call. My schedule 785 00:41:30.000 --> 00:41:32.000 doesn't warrant little piddly text 786 00:41:32.000 --> 00:41:34.000 through the conversation. If he doesn't 787 00:41:34.000 --> 00:41:36.000 honor that boundary 788 00:41:36.000 --> 00:41:38.000 request, he's not your guy 789 00:41:38.000 --> 00:41:40.000 because if he's not going to follow what you're 790 00:41:40.000 --> 00:41:42.000 asking for in a texting thing, he's not 791 00:41:42.000 --> 00:41:44.000 going to follow anything else that you put 792 00:41:44.000 --> 00:41:46.000 in front of him. So hopefully that answered that 793 00:41:46.000 --> 00:41:48.000 too. Karen, you bet. 794 00:41:48.000 --> 00:41:50.000 Turn your video on 795 00:41:50.000 --> 00:41:52.000 and your volume on. There you go. 796 00:41:52.000 --> 00:41:54.000 Got it. Yeah, so 797 00:41:54.000 --> 00:41:56.000 you did answer some of my questions. I posted 798 00:41:56.000 --> 00:41:58.000 it on Facebook about a guy who 799 00:41:58.000 --> 00:42:00.000 wanted to, I asked for a 800 00:42:00.000 --> 00:42:02.000 video chat after, you know, some 801 00:42:02.000 --> 00:42:04.000 online communication 802 00:42:04.000 --> 00:42:06.000 and he didn't want to. 803 00:42:06.000 --> 00:42:08.000 He said he'd done it before 804 00:42:08.000 --> 00:42:10.000 and it just, it wasn't 805 00:42:10.000 --> 00:42:12.000 a good way to first get 806 00:42:12.000 --> 00:42:14.000 to know somebody. He didn't go into detail 807 00:42:14.000 --> 00:42:16.000 about it, but he did answer 808 00:42:16.000 --> 00:42:18.000 and it just wasn't a good way to first 809 00:42:18.000 --> 00:42:20.000 get to know somebody. He didn't go into detail. 810 00:42:20.000 --> 00:42:22.000 So he's kind of, you know, 811 00:42:22.000 --> 00:42:24.000 said goodbye. Thanks, but goodbye. 812 00:42:24.000 --> 00:42:26.000 So yeah, so moving on 813 00:42:26.000 --> 00:42:28.000 with that, but I'm wondering 814 00:42:28.000 --> 00:42:30.000 what about a messenger call 815 00:42:30.000 --> 00:42:32.000 like on Facebook messenger call 816 00:42:32.000 --> 00:42:34.000 versus Zoom? Is that 817 00:42:34.000 --> 00:42:36.000 okay or? Only time I 818 00:42:36.000 --> 00:42:38.000 switch to, I don't, again, 819 00:42:38.000 --> 00:42:40.000 I don't start with a phone call because I 820 00:42:40.000 --> 00:42:42.000 still can't see them. You guys, it's not 821 00:42:42.000 --> 00:42:44.000 even just a scammer thing 822 00:42:44.000 --> 00:42:46.000 and I was one of those guys 823 00:42:46.000 --> 00:42:48.000 that was so excited, you know, 824 00:42:48.000 --> 00:42:50.000 I was like, you know, I was like, 825 00:42:50.000 --> 00:42:52.000 I'm so excited for my first 826 00:42:52.000 --> 00:42:54.000 time. Hey, I want to see if they're the 827 00:42:54.000 --> 00:42:56.000 age of the photos that they've sent me. 828 00:42:56.000 --> 00:42:58.000 Now, women, we are 829 00:42:58.000 --> 00:43:00.000 guilty of filtering and makeup, 830 00:43:00.000 --> 00:43:02.000 too much makeup, too much filtering. So that's 831 00:43:02.000 --> 00:43:04.000 guys biggest complaint is that we 832 00:43:04.000 --> 00:43:06.000 over filter it, not we, but you know, 833 00:43:06.000 --> 00:43:08.000 women over filter their photos and I 834 00:43:08.000 --> 00:43:10.000 would argue what men do is put up old 835 00:43:10.000 --> 00:43:12.000 photos. So I like to see them. 836 00:43:12.000 --> 00:43:14.000 That helps me retain everything you're saying 837 00:43:14.000 --> 00:43:16.000 because I'm not just looking for is he a 838 00:43:16.000 --> 00:43:18.000 scammer? Is he the right age? I'm looking 839 00:43:18.000 --> 00:43:20.000 for how does he carry 840 00:43:20.000 --> 00:43:22.000 himself in a video setting? 841 00:43:22.000 --> 00:43:24.000 How's he dressed? What's the 842 00:43:24.000 --> 00:43:26.000 background furniture? Does he have any 843 00:43:26.000 --> 00:43:28.000 artwork on the wall? Is he showing 844 00:43:28.000 --> 00:43:30.000 up sitting down at a table 845 00:43:30.000 --> 00:43:32.000 treating it like thing or is he like 846 00:43:32.000 --> 00:43:34.000 in a, is he topless or in 847 00:43:34.000 --> 00:43:36.000 bed and he's like this, like, like 848 00:43:36.000 --> 00:43:38.000 no. So I'm looking 849 00:43:38.000 --> 00:43:40.000 for all the body language. You know, 850 00:43:40.000 --> 00:43:42.000 80% of our body language, 851 00:43:42.000 --> 00:43:44.000 80% of communication 852 00:43:44.000 --> 00:43:46.000 is tone inflection and body language, and 853 00:43:46.000 --> 00:43:48.000 you can't get all that in a phone call. So 854 00:43:48.000 --> 00:43:50.000 the only time, Karen, I allow 855 00:43:50.000 --> 00:43:52.000 Facebook video 856 00:43:52.000 --> 00:43:54.000 is if they already 857 00:43:54.000 --> 00:43:56.000 are Facebook friends with me and they know my 858 00:43:56.000 --> 00:43:58.000 last name. Right? So 859 00:43:58.000 --> 00:44:00.000 the only way you can do Facebook 860 00:44:00.000 --> 00:44:02.000 messenger is if you 861 00:44:02.000 --> 00:44:04.000 add, you don't have to be friends. 862 00:44:04.000 --> 00:44:06.000 Now, so here's the thing, you guys. So there 863 00:44:06.000 --> 00:44:08.000 are, and I may have not shared this before, 864 00:44:08.000 --> 00:44:10.000 but there are a lot of single, Christian 865 00:44:10.000 --> 00:44:12.000 single Facebook groups out there. 866 00:44:12.000 --> 00:44:14.000 The 824 Collective, 867 00:44:14.000 --> 00:44:16.000 the Grown Ups Table, 868 00:44:16.000 --> 00:44:18.000 Christians Over 50, like all 869 00:44:18.000 --> 00:44:20.000 you have to do is Google on, search 870 00:44:20.000 --> 00:44:22.000 on Facebook to put 871 00:44:22.000 --> 00:44:24.000 Christian single groups and it'll show you a million 872 00:44:24.000 --> 00:44:26.000 of them. Heart of Dating Christian. 873 00:44:26.000 --> 00:44:28.000 Now, there can be a bunch of ding 874 00:44:28.000 --> 00:44:30.000 dongs in all of them, so you have to weed through them 875 00:44:30.000 --> 00:44:32.000 the same way you would online dating. 876 00:44:32.000 --> 00:44:34.000 But you do get to see their last name and their 877 00:44:34.000 --> 00:44:36.000 profile, which means they get to see yours. 878 00:44:36.000 --> 00:44:38.000 And so those would have been the men 879 00:44:38.000 --> 00:44:40.000 I would have done videos 880 00:44:40.000 --> 00:44:42.000 from Facebook Messenger. Again, 881 00:44:42.000 --> 00:44:44.000 I would book it. There was this 882 00:44:44.000 --> 00:44:46.000 one guy I met, he kept trying 883 00:44:46.000 --> 00:44:48.000 to video call 884 00:44:48.000 --> 00:44:50.000 and call me on Facebook Messenger 885 00:44:50.000 --> 00:44:52.000 without ever booking it. 886 00:44:52.000 --> 00:44:54.000 I never picked it up because I 887 00:44:54.000 --> 00:44:56.000 felt like that was rude 888 00:44:56.000 --> 00:44:58.000 to try to, like, I don't know 889 00:44:58.000 --> 00:45:00.000 you. You're not my friend yet. 890 00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:03.880 Like, I'm still trying to figure out who you are and if we're going to have a video chat, 891 00:45:03.880 --> 00:45:07.340 I want to know that that video call is coming through. 892 00:45:07.340 --> 00:45:11.080 And like, I get it, like once you start dating a little bit more and you've exchanged phone 893 00:45:11.080 --> 00:45:15.840 numbers, then you're adding, then you're saying, I'm willing for you to interrupt me. 894 00:45:15.840 --> 00:45:17.760 That's what I feel like a phone number means. 895 00:45:17.760 --> 00:45:21.680 I'm willing for you to interrupt me and call me or text me whenever. 896 00:45:21.680 --> 00:45:26.820 I don't give people that kind of access to me until after I've had a visual verbal contact 897 00:45:26.820 --> 00:45:30.220 with them and I feel safe to do so. 898 00:45:30.220 --> 00:45:31.300 And so let's see. 899 00:45:31.300 --> 00:45:35.860 So you say the last part about the relationship with you, the beginning part, mind, body, 900 00:45:35.860 --> 00:45:36.860 spirit. 901 00:45:36.860 --> 00:45:43.460 Carrie, unless that wasn't clear, how my profile said it in my Facebook page is I care about 902 00:45:43.460 --> 00:45:51.860 somebody who is willing to grow mind, parentheses, be willing to go to therapy, body, eat right, 903 00:45:51.860 --> 00:45:55.020 exercise, spirit, follower of Jesus. 904 00:45:55.020 --> 00:46:00.820 So I said mind, body, spirit, but in parentheses, I defined what I meant by mind, body, spirit. 905 00:46:00.820 --> 00:46:02.820 So hopefully that answered your question. 906 00:46:02.820 --> 00:46:03.820 Okay. 907 00:46:03.820 --> 00:46:06.500 Let me just, you guys, I'm just checking the thing here. 908 00:46:06.500 --> 00:46:11.260 If you feel into video chatting every day and he expects it, can I go back to not talking 909 00:46:11.260 --> 00:46:12.260 every day? 910 00:46:12.260 --> 00:46:13.800 Oh, good Lord. 911 00:46:13.800 --> 00:46:16.180 You know, Andrea, that's a great question. 912 00:46:16.180 --> 00:46:20.740 You guys, sometimes we get sucked into a pace that's too fast for us and we have to reel 913 00:46:20.740 --> 00:46:21.740 it back in. 914 00:46:22.300 --> 00:46:27.540 And I think it's okay to say, you know what, I'm realizing I don't have the capacity right 915 00:46:27.540 --> 00:46:30.660 now in my life to video chat every single night. 916 00:46:30.660 --> 00:46:36.740 I'm realizing between family, school, church, volunteer, whatever it is your thing is, like 917 00:46:36.740 --> 00:46:40.100 I just can't commit to that at this stage of our dating. 918 00:46:40.100 --> 00:46:42.740 Right now we're just getting to know each other. 919 00:46:42.740 --> 00:46:48.620 And I would really reserve daily videos to somebody I'm in an exclusive dating relationship 920 00:46:48.620 --> 00:46:52.680 with and we are just not there yet. 921 00:46:52.680 --> 00:46:59.580 And so I would say if they get offended by that, that's on them, not on you. 922 00:46:59.580 --> 00:47:00.780 Let them get offended. 923 00:47:00.780 --> 00:47:03.500 You guys, I'm learning this the hard way. 924 00:47:03.500 --> 00:47:07.700 I always say to you guys in the boundaries class, sometimes we have to cause hurt not 925 00:47:07.700 --> 00:47:09.060 to cause harm later. 926 00:47:09.060 --> 00:47:10.060 We don't want to hurt people's feelings. 927 00:47:10.060 --> 00:47:11.060 So we don't say anything. 928 00:47:11.060 --> 00:47:13.340 We don't want to hurt people's feelings, so we don't say anything. 929 00:47:13.340 --> 00:47:18.380 So my boyfriend spent years in his old relationships not saying how he really felt. 930 00:47:19.140 --> 00:47:20.260 He was the codependent like me. 931 00:47:20.260 --> 00:47:24.260 He would keep his mouth shut, keep his mouth shut, keep his mouth shut. 932 00:47:24.260 --> 00:47:27.220 And then he would finally speak up. 933 00:47:27.220 --> 00:47:31.760 And if you're a fellow people pleaser like us, when you finally speak up, sometimes it 934 00:47:31.760 --> 00:47:35.240 comes out like an explosion because you can't take it anymore. 935 00:47:35.240 --> 00:47:41.900 And then you get called the controller or the narcissist because you've had a meltdown. 936 00:47:41.900 --> 00:47:49.860 And so what I've noticed is now Rick is much more honest when I hurt his feelings all the 937 00:47:49.860 --> 00:47:51.700 time. 938 00:47:51.700 --> 00:47:57.760 And I was like, can't you go a week without telling me what I'm doing wrong? 939 00:47:57.760 --> 00:48:02.580 And as we unpacked it last night, I realized he was trying to do that. 940 00:48:02.580 --> 00:48:06.780 You know, he was like, I need to learn how to start speaking up sooner because I don't 941 00:48:06.780 --> 00:48:08.540 want to cause more harm later. 942 00:48:08.540 --> 00:48:13.640 But because it's so new for him, he's possibly being a little bit more blunt that he's intending 943 00:48:13.640 --> 00:48:14.700 to be. 944 00:48:14.700 --> 00:48:18.220 He doesn't have as many eloquent words as I do. 945 00:48:18.220 --> 00:48:20.660 And so sometimes it just, it comes out. 946 00:48:20.660 --> 00:48:26.380 And so I'm going, Ooh, I've got to take the posture that this is him trying to exercise 947 00:48:26.380 --> 00:48:27.380 clunky. 948 00:48:27.380 --> 00:48:29.740 Hey, Renee, I think you just hurt my feelings. 949 00:48:29.740 --> 00:48:31.620 I'm not, it's a, I'm not breaking up with you. 950 00:48:31.620 --> 00:48:35.780 I'm not upset with you, but if I don't tell you now, it's going to build up and I'm going 951 00:48:35.780 --> 00:48:36.780 to start to resent you. 952 00:48:36.780 --> 00:48:38.300 And I'm like, oh crap. 953 00:48:39.060 --> 00:48:41.460 So that's how we have to like practice this, you guys. 954 00:48:41.460 --> 00:48:45.620 So if that's telling him not to call you every day, not to do a video date with you, we have 955 00:48:45.620 --> 00:48:48.820 to practice early in our dating relationship with somebody. 956 00:48:48.820 --> 00:48:52.740 So we get more comfortable at saying hard things. 957 00:48:52.740 --> 00:48:54.220 Speak the truth in love. 958 00:48:54.220 --> 00:48:55.220 Speak the truth in love. 959 00:48:55.220 --> 00:48:56.220 Larissa. 960 00:48:56.220 --> 00:48:57.220 Hi, Renee. 961 00:48:57.220 --> 00:48:58.220 Hey. 962 00:48:58.220 --> 00:48:59.220 Hi. 963 00:48:59.220 --> 00:49:00.220 Sorry, my camera is not turned on right now because I'm driving. 964 00:49:00.220 --> 00:49:14.980 So, yeah, so, um, I've been chatting with this guy for a little over a week now and 965 00:49:14.980 --> 00:49:20.860 we've had, I think, two video dates so far and we are planning on meeting in person this 966 00:49:20.860 --> 00:49:21.860 weekend. 967 00:49:21.860 --> 00:49:22.860 Uh, first, um, meet in person. 968 00:49:23.860 --> 00:49:30.180 So I just wanted to ask, uh, should I go ahead at this point and ask him if to split the 969 00:49:30.180 --> 00:49:35.180 bill or how we're going to share the bill or anything like that at this point? 970 00:49:35.180 --> 00:49:36.180 Yeah. 971 00:49:36.180 --> 00:49:39.100 Don't say anything, but assume he's paying. 972 00:49:39.100 --> 00:49:44.060 So this, so Jackie wants you to assume he's, I would say always, you guys always go prepared 973 00:49:44.060 --> 00:49:45.220 to pay your bill. 974 00:49:45.220 --> 00:49:50.140 Like you never want to show up with no money, God forbid he's, you know, not chivalrous 975 00:49:50.140 --> 00:49:51.620 and he's not going to pay. 976 00:49:51.620 --> 00:49:54.220 But always assume that he's going to pay. 977 00:49:54.220 --> 00:49:59.180 So when the bill comes, you wait to see if he picks it up. 978 00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:05.280 And you wait until he says, you're going to force his hand. 979 00:50:05.280 --> 00:50:09.000 You're going to not say anything unless he says, 980 00:50:09.000 --> 00:50:11.960 would you like to split the bill? 981 00:50:11.960 --> 00:50:12.520 OK. 982 00:50:12.520 --> 00:50:16.360 And at that point, you have two options. 983 00:50:16.360 --> 00:50:18.440 I had a girlfriend, where is she? 984 00:50:18.440 --> 00:50:19.680 She was on last week, Dawn. 985 00:50:19.680 --> 00:50:22.920 She was like, actually, I would prefer not to split the bill. 986 00:50:22.920 --> 00:50:25.880 I would prefer for you to be chivalrous the first time. 987 00:50:25.880 --> 00:50:28.120 And I was like, oh, girl, that was so bold. 988 00:50:28.120 --> 00:50:30.280 I don't know that I would have the guts to do that. 989 00:50:30.280 --> 00:50:34.000 I would have been like, oh, OK, here's my card. 990 00:50:34.000 --> 00:50:37.840 So you can do whatever play that you want. 991 00:50:37.840 --> 00:50:39.760 You can just say, you know what, I'm sorry. 992 00:50:39.760 --> 00:50:41.400 You asked me out on this first date. 993 00:50:41.400 --> 00:50:42.600 I guess I'm old fashioned. 994 00:50:42.600 --> 00:50:45.880 I thought you were paying for the first date. 995 00:50:45.880 --> 00:50:47.560 You could say that. 996 00:50:47.560 --> 00:50:51.360 Or you could say, if that's important to you, 997 00:50:51.360 --> 00:50:52.960 I'll split it with you. 998 00:50:52.960 --> 00:50:54.240 Or I'd prefer not. 999 00:50:54.240 --> 00:50:56.720 Or you can just simply say, I prefer not. 1000 00:50:56.760 --> 00:50:58.560 I'm old fashioned like that. 1001 00:50:58.560 --> 00:51:01.400 So say whatever you're comfortable with saying, 1002 00:51:01.400 --> 00:51:04.320 but it is OK for him to pay. 1003 00:51:04.320 --> 00:51:06.000 Here's the only thing you need. 1004 00:51:06.000 --> 00:51:07.360 Oh, but I feel obligated. 1005 00:51:07.360 --> 00:51:10.640 Here's all you need to say when they pay. 1006 00:51:10.640 --> 00:51:11.800 Thank you so much. 1007 00:51:11.800 --> 00:51:13.480 That was really kind of you. 1008 00:51:13.480 --> 00:51:15.560 I really appreciate it. 1009 00:51:15.560 --> 00:51:17.440 Really way, way thank them. 1010 00:51:17.440 --> 00:51:19.200 Don't just say, oh, thank you. 1011 00:51:19.200 --> 00:51:20.040 No. 1012 00:51:20.040 --> 00:51:21.680 You say, thank you so much. 1013 00:51:21.680 --> 00:51:23.480 That was really kind of you. 1014 00:51:23.480 --> 00:51:25.680 I really appreciate it. 1015 00:51:25.680 --> 00:51:26.920 All right. 1016 00:51:26.920 --> 00:51:27.760 Go out of your way. 1017 00:51:27.760 --> 00:51:28.280 Good luck. 1018 00:51:28.280 --> 00:51:30.480 I can't wait to hear about it next week. 1019 00:51:30.480 --> 00:51:31.600 Yes, ma'am. 1020 00:51:31.600 --> 00:51:32.100 You bet. 1021 00:51:32.100 --> 00:51:32.720 Thank you. 1022 00:51:32.720 --> 00:51:34.400 Carrie, you can respond to people, 1023 00:51:34.400 --> 00:51:37.000 but we don't want you giving advice to people. 1024 00:51:37.000 --> 00:51:39.600 So feel free to comment on somebody's post, 1025 00:51:39.600 --> 00:51:43.240 but we like to let the coaches do the coaching. 1026 00:51:43.240 --> 00:51:45.200 What if I feel like I do not look 1027 00:51:45.200 --> 00:51:46.360 that great on video camera? 1028 00:51:46.360 --> 00:51:48.760 Where do I book a video call? 1029 00:51:48.760 --> 00:51:49.800 All right. 1030 00:51:49.800 --> 00:51:51.360 Those are two questions you're asking. 1031 00:51:51.360 --> 00:51:54.600 OK, so here's how you make sure you look best on a video call. 1032 00:51:56.280 --> 00:51:57.560 Face the light. 1033 00:51:57.560 --> 00:52:01.480 You see how the light's in front of me? 1034 00:52:01.480 --> 00:52:03.440 This is the light behind me. 1035 00:52:03.440 --> 00:52:04.920 See how it doesn't look as good? 1036 00:52:04.920 --> 00:52:08.080 Behind me, in front of me. 1037 00:52:08.080 --> 00:52:08.760 I mean, oh, look. 1038 00:52:08.760 --> 00:52:09.640 Oh, the picture. 1039 00:52:09.640 --> 00:52:10.320 See? 1040 00:52:10.320 --> 00:52:11.800 Oh, I'm getting, watch. 1041 00:52:11.800 --> 00:52:15.000 Go take your computer and go walk around. 1042 00:52:15.000 --> 00:52:16.520 Y'all look at this. 1043 00:52:16.520 --> 00:52:17.520 Sunlight. 1044 00:52:17.520 --> 00:52:20.080 Look how good I look with sunlight. 1045 00:52:20.080 --> 00:52:22.280 You can't see any of my wrinkles. 1046 00:52:22.280 --> 00:52:25.120 OK, so that's how you look good on camera. 1047 00:52:25.120 --> 00:52:26.960 You face the light. 1048 00:52:26.960 --> 00:52:29.000 You put a little makeup on. 1049 00:52:29.000 --> 00:52:30.280 And oh, here's the other thing. 1050 00:52:30.280 --> 00:52:31.360 Put the camera up. 1051 00:52:31.360 --> 00:52:33.760 So right now, the camera's level to me. 1052 00:52:33.760 --> 00:52:36.840 So I would stack my books so that I'm not doing that. 1053 00:52:36.840 --> 00:52:38.760 See, when it's down, you're looking at my nose. 1054 00:52:38.760 --> 00:52:39.840 Don't want to do that. 1055 00:52:39.840 --> 00:52:42.640 So you want to make sure you position it. 1056 00:52:42.640 --> 00:52:44.680 And then I usually sit right here. 1057 00:52:44.680 --> 00:52:46.200 I usually close that door behind me, 1058 00:52:46.200 --> 00:52:48.700 and I sit where I have this nice, pretty picture behind me. 1059 00:52:48.700 --> 00:52:50.880 So move your camera around, or your phone. 1060 00:52:50.880 --> 00:52:52.560 You can do this with your phone, too, 1061 00:52:52.560 --> 00:52:56.600 till you find the best lighting to make yourself look good. 1062 00:52:56.600 --> 00:52:58.160 Put on some cute earrings. 1063 00:52:58.160 --> 00:52:59.800 Put a little makeup on. 1064 00:52:59.800 --> 00:53:01.680 That's it, to zhuzh yourself up. 1065 00:53:01.680 --> 00:53:03.640 Because you guys, if you're not willing to get 1066 00:53:03.640 --> 00:53:09.080 on a video with a guy, and then, oh, move the camera back. 1067 00:53:09.080 --> 00:53:10.400 All right, move it back. 1068 00:53:10.400 --> 00:53:12.960 You're like, oh, I don't want him to see all my wrinkles. 1069 00:53:12.960 --> 00:53:14.720 Move the camera back. 1070 00:53:14.720 --> 00:53:17.040 See, now you can see a little bit more of me. 1071 00:53:17.040 --> 00:53:19.160 So no one said you need to be on your first video 1072 00:53:19.160 --> 00:53:20.000 date this close. 1073 00:53:20.000 --> 00:53:21.760 That's kind of creepy, right? 1074 00:53:21.760 --> 00:53:24.440 Like, right, Beth? 1075 00:53:24.440 --> 00:53:26.400 Even I look really creepy right now. 1076 00:53:26.400 --> 00:53:27.360 So don't do that. 1077 00:53:27.360 --> 00:53:29.080 All right, so what's your second question? 1078 00:53:29.080 --> 00:53:30.800 Where do I book it without giving up my number? 1079 00:53:30.800 --> 00:53:31.320 Zoom. 1080 00:53:31.320 --> 00:53:32.640 Zoom is the easiest way. 1081 00:53:32.640 --> 00:53:34.960 Zoom you can download for free. 1082 00:53:34.960 --> 00:53:37.000 You can do 40-minute calls, and that's the beauty. 1083 00:53:37.000 --> 00:53:39.080 Actually, I think the 40-minute is only 1084 00:53:39.080 --> 00:53:40.680 if there's four more people on it. 1085 00:53:40.680 --> 00:53:43.640 But it's perfect if it's the free 40-minute limit, 1086 00:53:43.640 --> 00:53:45.760 because that's the great excuse to get off the date. 1087 00:53:45.760 --> 00:53:47.960 Hey, I've only got the free version of Zoom, 1088 00:53:47.960 --> 00:53:50.340 so we're going to get kicked off in 40 minutes. 1089 00:53:50.340 --> 00:53:52.220 This way, if the date's going really crappy, 1090 00:53:52.220 --> 00:53:54.500 you've got a good excuse to hop off the phone. 1091 00:53:54.500 --> 00:53:56.340 You can download Zoom on your phone, 1092 00:53:56.340 --> 00:53:58.340 and you can download Zoom on your computer. 1093 00:53:58.340 --> 00:54:00.620 If he's too lazy to do that, he's not your guy. 1094 00:54:00.620 --> 00:54:03.620 That's just my attitude. 1095 00:54:03.620 --> 00:54:06.220 Google Meets is the same thing. 1096 00:54:06.220 --> 00:54:11.340 Anything else, Facebook Messenger, Skype, or WhatsApp 1097 00:54:11.340 --> 00:54:13.780 forces you to give out your phone number or email address. 1098 00:54:13.780 --> 00:54:15.140 And we don't want you to do that. 1099 00:54:15.140 --> 00:54:17.340 You don't have to do that with Zoom or Google Meets. 1100 00:54:21.340 --> 00:54:23.220 Well, I am a pro, because I've had 1101 00:54:23.220 --> 00:54:24.980 to do this for a very long time. 1102 00:54:24.980 --> 00:54:29.420 I also have to get on camera a lot for the work that I do. 1103 00:54:29.420 --> 00:54:32.820 So I've learned what makes me look good on camera 1104 00:54:32.820 --> 00:54:34.100 and what makes me not look good. 1105 00:54:34.100 --> 00:54:36.480 And you guys, I even bought one of those little lights 1106 00:54:36.480 --> 00:54:38.580 that you clip onto your computer. 1107 00:54:38.580 --> 00:54:40.780 So if you think the lighting in your home sucks, 1108 00:54:40.780 --> 00:54:43.540 you can go to Amazon and get for $25 1109 00:54:43.540 --> 00:54:47.180 the little ring of light right here. 1110 00:54:47.180 --> 00:54:49.260 Now, I don't always turn it on, because it 1111 00:54:49.260 --> 00:54:51.100 blinds my one good eye. 1112 00:54:51.100 --> 00:54:54.340 And so I don't use it. 1113 00:54:54.340 --> 00:54:57.500 So those are my video little tips there. 1114 00:54:57.500 --> 00:55:01.180 OK, anybody else have a final question? 1115 00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:01.920 We've got like four minutes left. 1116 00:55:01.920 --> 00:55:03.440 So I have room for one more question. 1117 00:55:03.440 --> 00:55:05.520 If somebody has it, this was so fun. 1118 00:55:05.520 --> 00:55:06.040 Y'all. 1119 00:55:06.560 --> 00:55:07.840 I hope you come back tonight. 1120 00:55:08.120 --> 00:55:09.060 You think I'm snarky. 1121 00:55:09.060 --> 00:55:12.600 Jackie's even snarkier than me, which is kind of actually true. 1122 00:55:13.040 --> 00:55:13.560 It is true. 1123 00:55:13.680 --> 00:55:16.560 I always say, cause I was trying to tell my boyfriend, cause he's like, he's 1124 00:55:16.560 --> 00:55:19.760 starting to follow Jackie on Instagram just to see what she's up because 1125 00:55:19.760 --> 00:55:20.840 he hears about her all the time. 1126 00:55:20.840 --> 00:55:22.360 He's like, I want to see what this chick is like. 1127 00:55:22.360 --> 00:55:24.200 What kind of advice is she giving my girlfriend? 1128 00:55:24.920 --> 00:55:31.280 Um, but I always say to folks, I'm, I may not be as nice as Bethany and I 1129 00:55:31.280 --> 00:55:33.200 may not be as snarky as Jackie. 1130 00:55:33.200 --> 00:55:34.640 I'm somewhere in the middle. 1131 00:55:34.640 --> 00:55:38.040 I'm snarky, nice, but not quite. 1132 00:55:39.680 --> 00:55:41.160 Did you have a final question, Beth? 1133 00:55:41.720 --> 00:55:44.800 Well, I was just going to say when I, when I first watched things, I was like, 1134 00:55:45.120 --> 00:55:47.520 okay, Bethany is the kinder, gentler version. 1135 00:55:47.560 --> 00:55:48.920 Jackie is the visionary. 1136 00:55:48.920 --> 00:55:51.240 So she says it exactly how it is. 1137 00:55:51.400 --> 00:55:52.360 So maybe you're in the middle. 1138 00:55:52.360 --> 00:55:52.840 That's good. 1139 00:55:53.200 --> 00:55:54.520 Um, I just had a quick question. 1140 00:55:54.520 --> 00:55:58.520 I had someone trying to set me up and then, you know, when they got back 1141 00:55:58.520 --> 00:56:02.280 with me, they were like, well, he's having surgery and then we're going out of town. 1142 00:56:02.280 --> 00:56:06.680 And anyway, it ended up, it was going to be like five weeks till we could meet. 1143 00:56:06.720 --> 00:56:11.640 And I, and I could see that I immediately went to like, well, maybe 1144 00:56:11.640 --> 00:56:14.400 he's not really interested and she's like, no, no, no. 1145 00:56:14.400 --> 00:56:17.200 And so I'm thinking, okay, I processed it later. 1146 00:56:17.200 --> 00:56:20.360 And I was like, okay, that's a rejection thing, a fear of rejection. 1147 00:56:20.360 --> 00:56:21.920 I'll reject them before they reject me. 1148 00:56:22.200 --> 00:56:26.600 So would you just say like, if someone's willing to set you up, just go for it, 1149 00:56:26.600 --> 00:56:30.560 no matter, I mean, assuming there's a hundred percent of the time. 1150 00:56:31.160 --> 00:56:36.000 If I have a friend that I trust, I a hundred percent of the time said yes. 1151 00:56:36.000 --> 00:56:37.360 Now I had one girlfriend. 1152 00:56:37.960 --> 00:56:39.880 She promised to set me. 1153 00:56:39.920 --> 00:56:42.440 She tried to set me up with, I don't know, a half a dozen guys. 1154 00:56:42.480 --> 00:56:46.160 Those guys never called me, but she goes, didn't he ever call you? 1155 00:56:46.160 --> 00:56:48.720 I'm like, no, that's okay. 1156 00:56:48.760 --> 00:56:49.640 I'm like, don't worry about it. 1157 00:56:49.640 --> 00:56:50.480 Keep trying. 1158 00:56:50.920 --> 00:56:51.520 Keep trying. 1159 00:56:51.760 --> 00:56:54.360 You're just not going to wait for him, but you're going to give him 1160 00:56:54.360 --> 00:56:56.520 some grace in the background, but you're not going to wait. 1161 00:56:56.800 --> 00:56:59.880 Oh, if you guys, if you have a friend like, well, how short is he? 1162 00:56:59.880 --> 00:57:00.720 How tall is he? 1163 00:57:00.760 --> 00:57:01.960 How much does he love Jesus? 1164 00:57:01.960 --> 00:57:02.400 No. 1165 00:57:02.640 --> 00:57:06.680 If you have a girlfriend willing to introduce you to somebody, they are 1166 00:57:06.680 --> 00:57:09.760 making an attempt, go out with that person. 1167 00:57:10.120 --> 00:57:12.760 And depending on how much they get it right or wrong, then you 1168 00:57:12.760 --> 00:57:14.400 can give your friend feedback. 1169 00:57:14.520 --> 00:57:15.880 Then you can say like, Hey, you know what? 1170 00:57:15.880 --> 00:57:19.040 Thank you so much for setting me up with that person. 1171 00:57:19.280 --> 00:57:21.160 It was really nice to get to know them. 1172 00:57:21.320 --> 00:57:23.080 Here's where I think it worked. 1173 00:57:23.080 --> 00:57:26.120 And here's where I think it didn't work because now you're giving 1174 00:57:26.120 --> 00:57:29.240 them a frame of reference for what they should be looking out for. 1175 00:57:29.600 --> 00:57:32.640 But if you start asking your married friend, well, how much money 1176 00:57:32.640 --> 00:57:34.320 does he make and how tall is he? 1177 00:57:34.440 --> 00:57:36.600 Then they're going to just think you're being a pain in the butt. 1178 00:57:36.640 --> 00:57:38.880 And they're not going to want to introduce you to their next friend. 1179 00:57:38.880 --> 00:57:41.280 So you have to show that you're going to make it easy on them. 1180 00:57:41.520 --> 00:57:42.480 So you say, yes. 1181 00:57:44.160 --> 00:57:47.880 Um, um, um, what if my children are home? 1182 00:57:48.160 --> 00:57:50.000 Should I go my car for a video date? 1183 00:57:50.200 --> 00:57:52.640 Can you go in your bedroom and close the door? 1184 00:57:53.080 --> 00:57:54.720 Um, Rachel, where are you? 1185 00:57:55.200 --> 00:57:56.080 You can't go to the bedroom. 1186 00:57:56.240 --> 00:57:58.800 I know plenty of, I know plenty of parents. 1187 00:57:59.400 --> 00:58:00.960 So I have barn doors. 1188 00:58:01.000 --> 00:58:02.800 I have barn doors, no privacy. 1189 00:58:03.880 --> 00:58:05.120 Well, really? 1190 00:58:05.120 --> 00:58:05.800 Oh my gosh. 1191 00:58:05.800 --> 00:58:09.040 Then go in the dang car and just say like, oh my gosh, go to a 1192 00:58:09.040 --> 00:58:10.680 car or go to your coffee shop. 1193 00:58:10.720 --> 00:58:11.800 That's what I would do then. 1194 00:58:12.400 --> 00:58:14.120 Because you could put earbuds in. 1195 00:58:14.120 --> 00:58:19.840 So you with your bedroom door, you could put earbuds in and put some 1196 00:58:19.840 --> 00:58:25.760 music on and create white noise right by the door and believe it or not. 1197 00:58:25.800 --> 00:58:26.200 Where are you? 1198 00:58:26.200 --> 00:58:28.400 Put the white noise is right outside your door. 1199 00:58:28.400 --> 00:58:30.000 Cause I used to have to do this at the clinic. 1200 00:58:30.000 --> 00:58:33.040 I ran, our doors were just not soundproof at all. 1201 00:58:33.200 --> 00:58:36.720 So we would buy a little saw sound machines and plug them 1202 00:58:36.720 --> 00:58:38.520 in outside the bedroom door. 1203 00:58:39.000 --> 00:58:42.640 Well, my issue is not too much of them making noise. 1204 00:58:42.680 --> 00:58:45.240 My issue is more of me having privacy. 1205 00:58:45.240 --> 00:58:49.120 This is so new to me, you know, like, I know that's why, and you can just say, 1206 00:58:49.120 --> 00:58:52.680 Hey, mommy needs some adult conversation time with her girlfriends. 1207 00:58:53.280 --> 00:58:56.080 And just say, mom needs adult conversation time. 1208 00:58:56.240 --> 00:58:58.760 So when that thing is on, you don't turn it off. 1209 00:58:59.040 --> 00:59:01.440 And then you go in with earbuds into your bedroom. 1210 00:59:01.440 --> 00:59:05.040 So you're starting to set a boundary with your children that when you go in the 1211 00:59:05.040 --> 00:59:09.960 room and you can just say, you know what, I need mommy time, I'm going to have 1212 00:59:09.960 --> 00:59:13.680 quiet time with the Lord, quiet time with my girlfriends, I'm going to pick my 1213 00:59:13.680 --> 00:59:18.120 nails, but when that sound machine is on and the door is closed, y'all don't 1214 00:59:18.120 --> 00:59:19.600 come in unless someone is dying. 1215 00:59:20.480 --> 00:59:23.600 And so Rachel, that might be good for you to start exercising 1216 00:59:23.600 --> 00:59:25.360 that a few nights a week. 1217 00:59:25.400 --> 00:59:28.840 Even if all you do is read a magazine or read a book or go in your 1218 00:59:28.840 --> 00:59:31.960 tub or whatever you want to do, you need to start to teach your kids 1219 00:59:31.960 --> 00:59:33.960 that your bedroom is private space. 1220 00:59:34.760 --> 00:59:36.880 Well, here's the, the only other issue. 1221 00:59:36.920 --> 00:59:40.720 My daughter shares the bat, my bathroom with me. 1222 00:59:41.160 --> 00:59:42.800 She does not use the boys' bathroom. 1223 00:59:42.840 --> 00:59:44.000 I have two boys and I have a daughter. 1224 00:59:44.000 --> 00:59:47.760 I understand, but you can tell her for 30 minutes or an hour. 1225 00:59:48.320 --> 00:59:51.600 You can just say, baby, I know you and I normally share this bathroom, but for 1226 00:59:51.600 --> 00:59:54.720 the next 30 minutes, go in it now, if you need it now. 1227 00:59:54.760 --> 00:59:55.280 Okay. 1228 00:59:55.440 --> 00:59:59.000 Go now again, because you need a teacher. 1229 00:59:59.000 --> 00:59:59.840 She doesn't have. 1230 01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:02.220 Art Blanche access to your bedroom, 1231 01:00:02.220 --> 01:00:04.260 just because you guys are sharing a bathroom. 1232 01:00:04.260 --> 01:00:06.440 So Rachel, this might be some tools 1233 01:00:06.440 --> 01:00:09.800 that you need to start doing to educate your kids 1234 01:00:09.800 --> 01:00:11.720 before the boyfriend comes on the scene. 1235 01:00:11.720 --> 01:00:14.460 Like God's gonna use this exercise 1236 01:00:14.460 --> 01:00:16.420 to teach you to start to put boundaries, 1237 01:00:16.420 --> 01:00:18.460 because you wanna set those boundaries now 1238 01:00:18.460 --> 01:00:21.620 so your boyfriend doesn't get the fall for the boundaries. 1239 01:00:21.620 --> 01:00:25.020 Like, I have a friend whose boyfriend has kids 1240 01:00:25.020 --> 01:00:26.500 and he has no boundaries with the kids, 1241 01:00:26.500 --> 01:00:28.960 but now that she's trying to set up boundaries, 1242 01:00:29.000 --> 01:00:30.960 she's looking like the bad guy. 1243 01:00:30.960 --> 01:00:33.360 And so better you set up the boundaries now 1244 01:00:33.360 --> 01:00:35.320 without a person, let's see. 1245 01:00:35.320 --> 01:00:38.440 Okay, I'm 58 and I'm high 70, but active. 1246 01:00:38.440 --> 01:00:39.760 Doesn't look like we have video chats 1247 01:00:39.760 --> 01:00:41.700 and he's already said, I love you. 1248 01:00:42.880 --> 01:00:44.960 If you've only had three video dates, 1249 01:00:45.920 --> 01:00:48.520 it's a yellow landing on red flag. 1250 01:00:48.520 --> 01:00:50.640 And just, I would just say, hey, you know what? 1251 01:00:50.640 --> 01:00:52.960 I think it's really important that we don't talk 1252 01:00:52.960 --> 01:00:56.240 about love on video dates before we've met in person. 1253 01:00:56.240 --> 01:00:59.340 So if you still really, really like them 1254 01:00:59.340 --> 01:01:01.080 and you wanna meet them in person, 1255 01:01:01.080 --> 01:01:02.840 go ahead and meet them in person. 1256 01:01:03.760 --> 01:01:07.160 Otherwise it might be love bombing, it might be anxious. 1257 01:01:07.160 --> 01:01:12.040 It's either love bombing, anxious attachment at play here. 1258 01:01:12.040 --> 01:01:14.800 But if you really, really like them, move it to a live date. 1259 01:01:14.800 --> 01:01:18.200 If you don't, nip it in the bud. 1260 01:01:18.200 --> 01:01:22.640 And 12 is a bit of a age gap there, okay. 1261 01:01:27.040 --> 01:01:31.280 Aw, got a very nice compliment, that's good. 1262 01:01:31.280 --> 01:01:34.200 All right, he has been separated 19 years. 1263 01:01:34.200 --> 01:01:36.680 Yeah, yeah, older people, you guys. 1264 01:01:36.680 --> 01:01:38.120 And then there's secure attachment. 1265 01:01:38.120 --> 01:01:40.520 And secure attachment is secure quickly. 1266 01:01:40.520 --> 01:01:43.180 But three video dates is not enough time. 1267 01:01:43.180 --> 01:01:45.800 Well, you said several, but video dates, 1268 01:01:45.800 --> 01:01:47.580 just make sure you start meeting live. 1269 01:01:47.580 --> 01:01:49.000 I'm just gonna say, switch to meeting live. 1270 01:01:49.000 --> 01:01:52.600 Okay, my battery is about to die on my computer. 1271 01:01:52.600 --> 01:01:53.920 So don't prepare for this. 1272 01:01:53.920 --> 01:01:55.880 All right, so I'm gonna close this out and pray real quick. 1273 01:01:56.440 --> 01:01:58.480 It's a few minutes after the top of the hour. 1274 01:01:58.480 --> 01:02:00.640 And come back tonight if you have time. 1275 01:02:00.640 --> 01:02:02.400 Father God, we thank you so much for each woman 1276 01:02:02.400 --> 01:02:05.640 that is here live, those that are watching this in replay. 1277 01:02:05.640 --> 01:02:07.560 Father God, I ask for a hedge of protection 1278 01:02:07.560 --> 01:02:08.960 over their story and over their life. 1279 01:02:08.960 --> 01:02:11.360 Father God, I ask for financial blessing. 1280 01:02:11.360 --> 01:02:13.040 I ask for peace. 1281 01:02:13.040 --> 01:02:15.660 I ask for godly wisdom and friendship in their life. 1282 01:02:15.660 --> 01:02:17.400 I ask for a pacing that works for them. 1283 01:02:17.400 --> 01:02:18.720 And Father God, whatever dream, 1284 01:02:18.720 --> 01:02:20.960 like I just feel like there are people on this call 1285 01:02:20.960 --> 01:02:22.480 that have a dream inside of them 1286 01:02:22.480 --> 01:02:24.600 that they have not been willing to jump into. 1287 01:02:24.600 --> 01:02:25.440 And they've kept saying, 1288 01:02:25.440 --> 01:02:27.240 well, when I meet my guy, I'll do this dream. 1289 01:02:27.240 --> 01:02:29.760 No, you guys, I wanted to publish my book 1290 01:02:29.760 --> 01:02:32.400 and start seminary when I met the guy. 1291 01:02:32.400 --> 01:02:35.280 And I'm so glad I started both things first. 1292 01:02:35.280 --> 01:02:36.920 And so I just encourage you, 1293 01:02:36.920 --> 01:02:38.240 whatever God's put in your heart, 1294 01:02:38.240 --> 01:02:39.440 he wants you to get going. 1295 01:02:39.440 --> 01:02:42.280 And maybe that's where your guy is. 1296 01:02:42.280 --> 01:02:44.600 So Father God, be with each and every single person here 1297 01:02:44.600 --> 01:02:46.520 in Jesus name, amen. 1298 01:02:46.520 --> 01:02:48.880 Don't know why I needed to say that, but I did.