So welcome to love seats if you have not ever been to love seats before because you are in phase two
And this is a sneak preview for you. We have this we try to have this at least once a month
And this is just a group coaching call. That's what it is. It's a group dating coaching relationship coaching
Heartwork coaching call it's called love seats. It could be about your relationship with God
yourself others specifically romantic
Relationships people will jump in the hot seat love seat
They will jump in the you know
Spotlight so to speak and ask their questions about maybe a specific situation that they're going through with someone
Maybe something that they keep running into in the dating world or something that has to do with online dating or apps
Or it just really doesn't matter what it is
No holds barred, you know, I will I I will answer any question. You guys know that I will answer any question
I may not have the answer but I will still answer the question with something right and
So it doesn't matter what it is. Nothing is taboo here
Obviously keep it honorable and respectful towards other people, right?
We don't want to show up here and throw anybody under the bus, especially if it has to do with anyone in the community
But other than that, you know, there's no prudes here if it's something that you know, maybe is a little bit risky
We'll still answer it. All right, because we're gonna download really good wisdom and revelation from heaven
For these questions, so I do have a couple people lined up to jump in the love seat
That doesn't mean that you can't
All right, because we're gonna be on this call for about 75 to 90 minutes leave whenever you need to because it is recorded
but we will
We have a couple people here to kick off. So father God, we thank you for this time together
We thank you that you are giving us wisdom and revelation from heaven
You're putting us into alignment and agreement with you in every area of our lives and we're asking for that tonight
Via Holy Spirit in Jesus name. Amen
All right. Okay. So let's see
Lindsay is Lindsay here already
Yep, I see her. All right, unmute yourself and Lindsay is gonna be our first love seat
participant and
Lindsay's jumping in the love seat. So go ahead and give us the back story Lindsay
Um, so the back story is that I've been with this program for a couple years
It'll be three years in May and I've seen a lot of growth
Specifically like
Professionally in my relationships like I had online dated a bazillion times before the program
I would never get any dates and like I can get dates and I can get like second dates
But I can't get anything to like take off and like for some of you that have been around a while
I actually joined this group with another girl with the same name as me and like she got married last spring
And I was a bridesmaid and say my voice sounds shaky, but um, I actually live in her house now
So that's another area. I've had upgrades like I was an apartment. She gets married out of the blue
I'm now I'm in her house now. I'm moving to like a new apartment. So I relocated to
Like 30 minutes from my other apartment. So I've moved I've changed jobs three top two times
so yeah, but
Stop talking
Okay, so that's one back story. Okay, so so you guys all know and I don't want to get want to get scared
Like oh my god, she's been here for three years. Oh, yeah
Happen, but you know everyone comes here from a different place and for more than one reason, right?
You know, I had the privilege to meet Lindsay in person very early into her mentorship here
And you know, she was dealing with a lot of stuff. She's the only family stuff. She's the only personal stuff
She's dealing with stuff right career stuff all different types of things
And so it is true that the other Lindsay and there's more than there's more than two Lindsay's
There's we've got quite a few Lindsay's actually the other Lindsay. Did you know Lindsay before did you meet her here?
I knew her before but when we did this program
We definitely got closer because we we would be on every zoom call together and talk about the program
So so and I actually met her husband on one of the seven-day challenges like actually went out with him first
Oh
The plot thickens. Yeah, keep going
So anyways, I'm just saying like I just say that it's like I mean, did you did you tell her about him?
no, because
She was in a seven-day challenge too because that was like early on and but that
You did you did go out with him before her, but you didn't necessarily fix them up
She just ended up meeting him as well
Yeah, except we were doing that
So that was like in the fall and then there was around two seven dates. You did another seven day challenge
in February and we met and like one of the things we would do in the program and I've done
Some of you might have saw I went to Miami like I always am trying if something's not working dating
I've been I try to like do something new and so we had made like as when we weren't getting dates
We would go try new restaurants and places. So we went to this restaurant
We were talking about the seven-day challenge and she's like, well, I kind of like this guy
But he's not asking me out and she showed me the picture and I was like, I know this guy
He's never asking you out. I was like you got to tell him that you want to meet for coffee or a
Walk, cuz that's what I gave her the 4-1-1 you gave her
I did and so then I remember that you remember that she was on love seats with him
Oh, she's so many times. Yeah, how many times so, um, how many times?
So then she was like like she sent him a text and said hey
I like talking to would you want to meet and so and then as soon as she said that he was like, yeah
let's meet on such-and-such a day and then
They stated and got married on the more like yes, I remember I remember some of that
You guys just so you know the other Lindsay that's married now, you know, she was on this
this, you know love seats many times in that relationship because
Lots of you know trying to decipher communication with the guy. Does he like me? Doesn't he like me?
I remember that, you know, he wasn't defining the relationship
They were dating a lot and yet he wasn't asking her to be his girlfriend and I remember on one love seat
I was like after she explained what they do together and how often they hang out
I said it sounds to me like he already thinks you are his girlfriend
Yeah, he may not have ever asked you to be his girlfriend
But it sounds to me like he just is assuming that you think that you're his girlfriend and that he you know
He's your boyfriend and that ended up being true because once again as Lindsay's saying engineer mindset
But I guess really what I'm trying to say is that you know
The course to love does not run smooth
You know, there was lots of coaching that the other Lindsay needed in order to be successful in that relationship
Including you know her sister squad members Lindsay just being like, oh, hey. Yeah, you're gonna have to drop the hanky
You're gonna have to let him know that you know, you're gonna have to ask him out the first time and so that's good
So what Lindsay what's going on with you right now to get you in the love seat? What do we got?
Well, I think the biggest thing is that I I want to know
Okay, like I know like with this program like there shouldn't be like shame or guilt
But I've seen God upgrade me in the last three years
Like I said
Professionally, like I have crazy job stories
I have crazy like I'm living in a house in a really nice section of Columbus. I could never have afforded and
I have dated so many guys
because
every time like I do all the challenges and my sister got married while I've been in this like right before I joined the
program and she told me something that you kind of said to and she's like
You will never have all your time like to yourself again
So I have just kept dating to just leave us a space like so at this point like this is embarrassing
But I've pretty much either like gone out with every guy
that is in Ohio or I
Have been ghosted by them because I sent the message because like you get through the queue and then I'm like, all right
Hey, how are you? You know?
At some point I feel like
There's something holding me up because I don't think it's possible that I haven't matched with somebody yet
Right. Okay. So Lindsey's obviously very eligible bachelorette
So this is this is why I asked her to come because I feel like a lot of people run into hey
What's wrong with me? You know, why why have I not met someone yet?
I've seen all these hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of other women and men meet people
Including people that I came into the program with that might be some of your stories. All right, but why not me?
Why hasn't it happened to me yet? Yes, I've had other upgrades
God has blessed me in other areas as Lindsey's saying her job her living situation her mindsets
Lindsey's definitely not the same girl that she was when she came in here. She's definitely changed
She's so much more confident. So many things have happened. But here's the thing that I want everyone to hear. Okay, number one it is
Absolutely, okay, and not only okay
it's something that we want to have you you have happened to you here at last year single is
That you love your single life
while still holding space for partnership right to
Not stop living to keep living to like Lindsey said try new things do new things
Vacation, you know, that's why we have last trip single
By the way, our first retreat is not this week, but next week in Cartagena, Colombia
our first
international conference for singles, backed up by a retreat, a kind of an exclusive retreat for 11
women. But the list of all of our other retreats, including Western Canada conference, you guys,
in June, I think it's June 23rd through the 28th. And a conference there is coming that whole list.
So stay tuned. And, but she didn't stop living. In fact, she started living more, you know,
and better in her relationships with her family, with her parents, all the things, but where's the
guy. And so here is what I want to say. There's nothing wrong with Lindsay, nothing wrong with
Lindsay. In fact, Lindsay has not just done her heart work. She's in a really healthy, good place.
Guess what? She's right for the picking. She's right for the picking. And all of you have to
live with this mindset, regardless, regardless on what it is that you, that you really would
like to be doing in your life. And you've done everything that you can towards that thing,
everything that you can towards that thing, whether it's getting healthy, whether it's,
you know, obviously meeting your partner, whether it's, you know, making more money or relocating,
or, you know, whatever it is you've done all you can do in your part, you've done your best.
And then you have to rest. There's nothing else that you can do. You've done your best.
And then you have to rest. This is where you have to surrender to God and just say, Hey, you know
what? I know that I'm in a really good position and that I have done everything that you have
asked me to do as far as my part. And now the rest of my love story has to be supernatural.
And then what do we do in the meantime? We enjoy our lives. That's what we do. We enjoy our lives.
You guys can see how beautiful Lindsay is, how articulate she is, how intelligent she is,
how healthy hearted she is. And all the things that have happened in her life in the last three
years, I think more than ever before she is perfectly positioned to meet her person. And you
guys, here's the beautiful thing about that. Literally, this could be the last conversation
that Lindsay ever has outside of a, outside of a, you know, um, a serious relationship.
This could be the last conversation that she has because it happens that fast. And we all know that
it does. And the fact that she's here and she's willing to kind of like be vulnerable and be like,
Hey guys, you know, this is where I'm at. Tells me that, you know, she's being highlighted by
heaven. So take a look at Lindsay, all of you. She lives in Columbus, Ohio. You guys live all
over the map. If there's anyone that you think Lindsay should meet Lindsay, give them your vital
statistics. How old are you? So I'm 37. I'm living in Columbus and I teach for Columbus city schools.
And I teach elementary school first grade, first grade, first grade. And she's, and guess what?
She didn't mention she has another friend that she's been getting close to who is my best friend.
Yeah. Um, that she met because of me and because of me coming to Columbus. Cause you guys know I'm
from Columbus. And so they've been hanging out. And, um, and then, so that's, that's her. Those
are her vital statistics. Okay. Never been married, no children, single, ready to mingle.
So if any of you community-based matchmaking, no, someone doesn't matter where you live because
Lindsay is willing to relocate, right? She didn't use to be, but she is now. She didn't
used to be. So that's one thing that's changed definitely over the last few years is she is
willing to relocate. So if you know someone that Lindsay should meet, okay. A brother, a cousin,
a neighbor, um, a friend of your son, whoever it is, let us know. All right. So Lindsay answer is
there's nothing short answer is there's nothing wrong with you. Thank you. Can I ask one more
quick question? Do you remember your quote? Um, I haven't seen you post it in a long while,
but you have a quote. And when you said it, it's always stuck with me because, um, I just,
it was really good, but it said, um, sometimes we think settle sometimes settling is thinking
that we can choose better than what God has provided. And, um, it's been a really great quote
for me that I like to like, kind of just make sure I'm always like doing in other areas. But I
think like, I'm a little stuck on that quote because, um, like I, I, I I've hit a dead end
with dating and I know like, nothing's wrong with me. And I can look back on all those dates and
like, I know, like, you know, I can see areas that I could have done differently and things,
but I think that, so I turned 37. Did I say, yeah, I'm 37. I turned 37 in April. And I had
like, like right before Easter, my birthday, like two previous guys kind of like pop back up.
And then I think I start wondering in my head, like, do I need to go back? Like, was that on
me? Like, did I set, like, was that me thinking that I was going to settle when really like I
should have tried harder? I guess like, do you have any more insight on what that is?
don't go anywhere we got to make sure whoever that is gets muted okay um okay so here's the
thing about settling you guys um we all have a different kind of definition of what that looks
like a lot of you you know may think that has to do with your list or has to do with some kind of
internal picture that you have about what this needs to look like and that anything other than
that would be settling for you right okay so you have this kind of internal and you know the longer
that we're single the longer that we're anything waiting for you know we are you know waiting even
though you guys know that i say it's we should be preparing right but even in preparing you still
kind of have an idea i want you guys to all think about something that you prepared for just
recently that you had no idea what it was actually going to be like but you had a picture in your
mind of what it was going to be like say you're preparing for an event an event that's never
happened before so you have no context for it you were invited to a party you were invited to a
birthday party a surprise party for someone or you were invited to some sort of like i got invited to
the prom just recently you know this group that i'm involved with was having a prom and so i'm
like oh god right uh you know a lot of people be like yay a prom and i'm like a prom and so had to
go get a dress and all the things and i had no i had no real idea of what it was going to be like
except what i was picturing in my head right and so we all picture things we all picture things
right raise your hand if you have like a vivid imagination and even if you don't you are able to
think about what something's going to look like in your head like if i asked you all to close
your eyes right now close your eyes right now i'm asking you to close them everyone close your eyes
and i want you to picture a blue car picture a blue car right now okay all of you pictured
something different just now some of you pictured a lambo some of you pictured a tesla some of you
pictured you know a volkswagen bug all of you pictured something different didn't you
but why i said a blue car you know everyone right now picture a red dress
guys you too picture a red dress on a hot woman all of you pictured something different
right now you did short long frilly ruffles no ruffles silk strapless everyone pictured
something different what is that that's us right that's us that's our schema it's called a schema
that's what that's what we do and so you guys anything and everything in our life
whether it's going out with friends something that you're looking forward to you know going
on vacation something that you're looking forward to we have to filter that through our schema
and then you know we're either going to be really pleasantly surprised and like wow this is better
than i expected or we're going to be disappointed because it's not as good as i expected
right raise your hand if you're what what side of the fence are you on raise your hand if
raise your hand if frequently things are better than you expected things are usually like like
wow which means that you kind of gravitate towards when you're imagining things it's going to be
awkward i don't know if i really want to do it or not you know what okay now put your hands down
i want the other side raise your hand if you're frequently disappointed at how something turns
out you're like did i shave my legs for this guys you're like did i wash my car for this
like is this is this really i had such high expectations and this is just like
okay all right so you guys see what i'm talking about and we do the same thing with this area
of singleness this is what we do we read the books we watch the movies right and those mess
us up for sure uh we hear what other people are saying we look at other people's love stories and
other people's meet cute is what they call it like how they met and how that happened do you
guys know that i have had more than one millennial and of course this is not lindsey's situation
anymore she was you know kind of had some trepidation about different types of dating
back when i first met her but she's the queen of the apps now she's been on the apps she's
scrolled through all the guys like she said now she's just seeing guys that she's seen for years
on there she's like okay so here's the thing here's the thing though okay okay sorry she's
not the queen of the apps but she has been doing she's been doing them right okay so you know we
have a hard time dealing with something that we didn't expect right if it doesn't look like we
thought it was gonna look if it doesn't you know any of those things right it's kind of it's
unnatural the whole swipe thing we all know that it is it's not the way that we want things to be
all right but we have to understand that our expectations of something
The longer that you're single,
I feel like the more we begin to romanticize this.
Okay, so this is what I was gonna say.
I've had more than one millennial age person,
so that would be 28-ish to 43-ish,
say to me that they absolutely,
absolutely 100% have not been on one dating app
because they refuse for that to be the story
of how they met their person.
They will not let that be the story
of how they met their person, they don't.
Can I tell you something else?
And you guys, I'm over this now,
so please don't feel sorry for me, right?
But I would say about 70% of the love stories
that happen here, the people do not say anything
about this program, nothing.
Even though it's objectively why it happened for them,
right, they don't even mention it, right?
And I'm all about God getting the glory,
but you know what, it wasn't just God, it wasn't.
God works through people, he does.
He works through people, y'all, okay, he does.
And so I will see people's posts
that I know I had 2,000 coaching calls with,
and they will say, oh my God, look, look what God did.
Isn't it amazing?
My love story, isn't it perfect?
Isn't it wonderful?
God brought us together and this happened and that happened.
And there isn't one mention of last year's single.
There's not one mention of any of the coaching.
There's not one mention of anything.
And I'm like, oh, all right, great.
Why?
Because people don't want that
to be part of their love story.
They don't want that to be, why is that?
Because people are like, I guess embarrassed
that they had to work at it.
They're embarrassed that it didn't come organically.
So this is where I want to help all of you,
including Lindsay tonight.
You guys, the time of organic love stories has ended, okay?
You guys, we live in a troubled, fallen, screwed up world
where people don't even know what gender they are, okay?
The time that your parents and grandparents
and great-grandparents lived in,
this is in my new dating book that's coming out,
The History of Dating.
It's not like that anymore, y'all.
Dating wasn't even a word until the turn of the century.
It wasn't.
And guess what?
It has a sordid history.
The history is this, women had to go work in factories
and they lived and they moved to the cities
so they could work in factories during World War I.
And they were only paid 50% what men were paid
for the same jobs and the same hours.
And so guess what?
In order to eat, they had to let men take them out
and pay for their dinner.
That's how dating started.
Be horrified, because that's how it started, okay?
A girl's got to eat.
And a lot of times women would go out with multiple men
because they needed to be able to make ends meet.
And guess what?
The authorities at the time, yes, the police,
used to frequently arrest women that were out on dates
because it was considered indecent
and they always assumed that these girls were doing more
than just being a pretty face on these dates
in exchange for gifts and parties and dinners.
Okay?
They were called dating girls, all right?
And of course there wasn't anything sordid going on,
but at the same time, that is what the history
of the thing that we call dating is.
So you tell me, do you think dating's natural?
Do you think it was part of God's plan?
No, it wasn't.
But what happened was, is the curse.
And it continues to morph through every generation
and cause more and more and wreak more and more havoc, okay?
So that's why what's happening here is so beautiful.
And God is doing so many amazing, incredible things,
but the very first thing that he has to get out of our way
is us, right?
I put it on my Instagram today.
I don't think that it's an ad.
I don't think, did I?
Oh, 22 hours ago, I put this.
Don't be surprised if your love story
looks nothing like what you imagined.
And I didn't know that Lindsay was gonna show up tonight
and say what she was gonna say.
I posted that 22 hours ago.
That is a message for everyone to internalize right now.
So Lindsay and everybody else,
if early in your dating with a healthier heart,
if early in your getting to know people
as your heart is healing and changing,
you pass on some folks,
but somehow they circle back around
now that you've been a while into healing your heart
and changing your expectations
and really surrendering the pen to God.
I say, unless something really weird happened
on any of those days, go again,
because you're right, it could change.
And I will tell you that one of the trends.
You guys, you know, I always tell you what the dating trend is.
I already, I always tell you what the matchmaking trend is.
One thing that I'm seeing a lot of right now are people who never really gave
each other a chance, circling back around, running back into each other.
And now it's a love connection.
I'm not saying that's going to happen to Lindsay, but I am saying it's happening.
It's happening enough for me to notice it.
Cool.
Yes.
Thank you so much.
Okay.
So now we're all going to be watching Lindsay and we're all going to, you
guys, I really believe that Lindsay's going to meet someone super high quality
very soon.
And we're all going to be like, it's going to be a miracle for all of us.
Right.
Because she showed up tonight.
Now, now we're all invested.
We're all got popcorn.
We're all invested.
We're all watching.
Okay.
So Lindsay, um, you just do what you can do.
Don't strive.
Don't struggle.
You do what you can do.
If anyone wants to match, make Lindsay.
All right.
With someone who's amazing because she's amazing.
Um, just reach out to us for, if you know someone that Lindsay should meet, email us
at admin at Jackie doorman.com.
And we will get you in touch with her.
And you know, we'll vet, we'll vet, we'll vet you out and them making sure
that it's worthy of Lindsay.
Okay.
Um, don't let that scare you though.
Cause it's good.
You guys, if you have matches, if you have matches.
Okay.
Just the other day, someone posted someone and was just like, Hey, my
boyfriend has a friend and here he is.
You know, that's wonderful.
We love that.
We want you to do that.
And on the app, it's going to be so much easier to do.
You guys keep that matchmaking within the community.
There's plenty of people here, you know?
So don't be like, Oh, I'm going to tell my friend so-and-so or this person or that
person, have that person join the community.
We want to keep the matches within the matchmaking community.
Okay.
You're like, but what if their spirit mate is out there?
What if their spirit mate is in here?
All right.
So let's keep the introductions with each other and remember, please
make sure you kind of know the person.
Don't try to match someone with someone that, you know, you know,
there's no one to vouch for.
That's just as bad as being on some rando dating site.
So let's make sure that we are introducing people to people that at least someone
that we know says they're high quality person.
Cool.
All right.
Lindsay, thank you so much.
We're all invested in your love story right now.
We are all rooting for you, cheering for you.
In fact, father, God is pray right now, Lord, that you would highlight Lindsay
wherever her spirit might, might be, even if it's connected to one of her brothers
and sisters in this group tonight, Lord, we ask God that you would just do a quick
work, Lord, and we thank you for bringing them together in Jesus name.
Amen.
Okay.
All right.
Um, I can't, there's someone else that was going to jump in the love seat.
If you're here and I told you to come to the love seat, go ahead.
Rachel, there you are.
Great.
Thanks.
Go ahead and jump in.
Hi, thanks.
Um, so I have shared quite a bit in the group that I've been dating
Miguel for about two and a half months.
And, um, can you hear me?
My computer.
Okay.
Um, so it, it started out very, very fun and we had a lot, we spent a lot of time
together, we both have kids with six kids between the two of us that are five of
them are all teens, and then I have a five-year-old, um, so we've very quickly
introduced our kids because we realized like part of dating is going to include
our kids because we're both full-time parents.
Um, and so just to be able to even see each other, that's going to be part of
the process and, um, it's been fun and light and none of the kids have like
overly attached, it's just been pretty casual with the kids.
Um, but last week we were supposed to all get together.
And then the day before we were all going to be together, he, um, we were on the
phone and he said that they ended up having a makeup soccer game that night.
And so we were able to get together and, um, I said, okay, well, are we
going to be able to connect at all during the weekend?
And he said, I, I don't think so.
And so I was kind of like asking, is there any, is there any room to see you?
Cause I haven't seen you for over a week.
And he, that's when he said, well, I feel like you're pushing me and I, I don't want
the pressure and it's stressing me out.
And so I kind of backed off from that.
And then I did, um, post in the group about that and got lots of
really good feedback from people.
So I was really grateful for that.
It also helped me to step back and recognize my feelings in that place,
which I realized I was just super disappointed and really sad.
And so, um, I got up the courage to tell him that, which is something new for me
because I'm not very good at.
at verbalizing my feelings and where I fall in that I'm really good at just differing. Oh,
you feel pressure all back off. Um, but instead of realizing I'm really sad and I'm really
disappointed that I'm not going to see you. And so I I'm, we talked a little bit later and I told
him, Hey, I'm not actually trying to push you. I love the fact that you're with your boys. I love
that. Um, you're a super involved dad and that's how you want to be spending your time, but I'm
feeling really sad and disappointed. And I just need you to know that that's where my heart is.
And I don't expect you to change your plans, but I do need you to know that I'm sad about it.
And, um, he got really quiet and his response then was, well,
Rach, I'm real sorry. I don't know what to say. And then that was the end of the conversation
and got through the weekend. And then, um, over the course of the weekend, I realized
I am feeling more anxious. I'm I already have anxious attachment and I've been very aware of
that and been trying to really keep that in check. Um, but I'm getting more anxious in this
relationship because I'm realizing that when I have, um, a feeling about something that he doesn't,
he's not willing to validate my heart in that or care for my heart. It's quickly dismissed and put
back on what he's feeling. And that happened again today. He was telling me about, um, work
and how work is getting really, really busy. And I said, well, gosh, so I'm wondering if I'm ever
going to see you. And he, he's, he's kind of a jokester and he teases a lot and he said, well,
it's not looking good. And I just thought, you know, that doesn't, that doesn't feel funny to
me. That feels really sad to me. That's really hard on my heart. And so today I guess my biggest
question at this point in the game is like, is this a place where my heart is not going to get
cared for? And is it time to say I'm done here? Or is this a place where I recognize he just needs
more work and I hold on. I'm not sure. How long have you been together? Two and a half months,
two and a half. Okay. And how far you live, how far away from each other?
About 30 minutes, 30 minutes. Okay. And, um, he has shared parenting.
Uh, yeah, his ex gets every other weekend and that's it. Oh, so he's the main residential dad
and how old were the kids? 11, 12, 12, 12 year old boys. They're twins.
Well, actually, uh, one is his son. One is his nephew, but his nephew lives with him. He has
full-time with his nephew too. Okay. All right. And what does he do for a living? He's in construction.
Cane is not a construction company. Right? So you guys don't want you to see something here.
All right. This is classic anxious and avoidant combo. Right? So we have Rachel who's pretty
healthy, anxious, right? She's willing to take a look at her feelings. She doesn't let them run
amok. All right. Cause remember what I told you guys, for those of you that haven't seen my
the attachment series that we taught, um, it's important that you understand that regardless
of what kind of attachment style you have had in the past, you can learn to become secure by being
self-aware, right? It doesn't mean you're going to not have anxious tendencies. If that's, you know,
the way that you've learned how to attach since you were a child, it doesn't mean you're not
going to have avoidant attend to see tendencies. If you, that's the way that you've learned how to
attach. It doesn't mean that you're not going to have disorder tendencies, which is anxious and
avoidant depending on the situation. All right. And for those of you that are secure, brava,
but at the same time, you know, um, if a secure attach spends too much time with a really unhealthy
person, a lot of times they can start exhibiting this kind of stuff too. All right. So just so,
you know, all right. So what's happening here is everything was great. They're both like, Oh yes,
we like each other. All the things are good in that little honeymoon infatuation stage.
But classically, the reason why I know that her boyfriend is avoidant is because as soon as things
start getting hard, as soon as things start getting stressful, as soon as you know, we are asked to
put in more of something and you're avoidant. That is when you usually will see a withdrawal.
Okay. Now soccer, the soccer game, you guys, that kind of stuff happens with kids sports.
Something gets rescheduled to rain game. They don't give you a lot of notice, right?
Kids sports is like the devil, you know, my kids, I was so thankful that none of them were really
athletic and decided not to really play sports after like elementary school, like in the middle
school. Cause I was like, thank you, God, that.
We don't have a travel soccer player in our family.
Praise Jesus, okay?
Because you basically have to give up your entire life
for that kind of stuff, all right?
Okay, so for those of you that have kids like that,
we applaud you.
All right, so you see that he begins to pull away,
which I didn't get to talk to Rachel fully about this,
I just saw her post,
and I thought this was probably the situation.
So basically what he is saying without saying it is,
is that I can only please one person
and today it ain't you, all right?
The problem is, is it's probably never gonna be you, okay?
Because why?
Not because he doesn't wanna be
in a relationship with a woman,
not because he probably doesn't think
that you're great or wonderful at some level,
I'm sure he thought that before,
I'm sure he internally knows that somewhere,
but he's telling you,
your regular, the regular mode of relationship
where we communicate and we talk about our feelings
and we make sacrifices to serve the other person
and give the other person what they need,
he's saying that makes him feel pressured.
So that means he's not healthy, right?
And here's the thing, you guys, everyone has yellow flags,
but how in the world is Rachel supposed to go forward
with someone when she tells them,
and is Rachel being needy, is she being clingy,
is she being unrealistic, is she being ridiculous?
Doesn't sound like it, right?
I mean, we have to trust Rachel's version of events here,
okay, but she doesn't seem like she's that kind of person
who's texting, oh, what's wrong, what's wrong,
what's wrong, what's wrong, what's wrong,
and they're just in the shower.
It's like, chill out, they're just in the shower.
They haven't responded in 15 minutes
because they're taking a shower.
She's not anxious to that point, right?
She's giving him space.
She's not trying to give him a guilt trip.
Oh, your kids come first, huh?
Oh, you don't care about me, oh, blah, blah, blah, blah.
She's not doing any of that.
She's like, hey, okay, I understand.
Is there another time we can see each other?
She's willing to compromise.
She's willing to be flexible,
but he's not, and guess what?
He only lives 30 minutes from her.
If he lived hours away,
then I might call this a yellow flag,
but it's borderline red, isn't it?
Because of what reason?
He only lives 30 minutes away,
and yes, he's a single dad of two boys.
Yes, they're preteens.
Yes, they have busy schedules.
Yes, he's in a busy season of construction,
but he either wants a relationship with Rachel
or he doesn't.
It's either priority for him or it's not, right?
And it's not gonna magically become priority later.
Okay, so Rachel, when did you start seeing,
was he like this from the very beginning
or when did you start seeing the shift?
About three weeks ago.
Okay, do you know what happened three weeks ago?
It was two weeks ago.
It was the last time.
So the last two times that he's had his kids on the weekend
when they haven't been with mom,
both of those weekends, we didn't see each other at all.
And so that was new because in the past,
when he had his kids, I'd have my kids
and we'd get together with the kids
and we'd have dinner together.
We took the boys to a movie when I didn't have my kids
and he did have his and we went to a movie together.
And so we were doing things all together
and then all of a sudden we weren't anymore.
And he just-
Okay, when the kids were at mom's,
did you guys spend any alone time together
or it was always family time?
Yeah, so when both of our kids were,
my kids were with their dad, his were with their mom,
we had kind of the same schedule.
Then we would spend the weekend together.
Like, not the weekend together, but the days.
Okay, so here's where you are now, all right?
So here's where you are.
You have to have just a unemotional conversation
about, hey, look, it seems like you're sending me signals
that you just really don't have time
for a relationship right now.
I want to go ahead and give you an out.
If that's how you feel and you're just trying to figure out
how to tell me this, then let's be able
to part amicably here.
You need to just go ahead and have that conversation
without any kind of guilt, without any kind of like,
you don't have a horse in this race, Rachel,
because he's either your guy or he's not, okay?
And so, in a very unemotional place,
I've really enjoyed our relationship.
I enjoy being with you.
Obviously our children, your kids all get along, right?
That's been going good.
You know, I saw this, I saw us continuing to progress.
you know, but if that's not something that you feel like you have bandwidth for,
then I really need to know that, you know, no pressure. Okay, but here's the thing, you guys,
relationship is pressure. In fact, Jesus says in Matthew 17, or 19, that it's, it's, it's weighty,
relationship is weighty. And so that means that you have to be able to handle it, right,
you have to be able to take the weight of it, you have to be able to make the space for it.
And this guy is not making the space for it. And as her and him get closer, now he's starting to
go the opposite direction. Right. And so I just want to say something about blended families right
now. They're not for the faint of heart. Getting involved with someone who has children with
somebody else is not easy. It isn't. But I will tell you, being a blended family, and David, yes,
he did live next door to me. So that kind of made it a little bit easier. He's right next door.
But he was a kind of full time single dad, his former wife had kind of went AWOL, she was kind
of missing, and not really around and not really being engaged with the kids. But he still made
time for me, I still was a priority to him, right. In fact, I ended up being a help to him.
And it doesn't sound like this guy has allowed Rachel to cross the line and to be instead of
becoming instead of being a burden and a pressure into being a help in some way. Right? He hasn't
let you in his life to that degree. Correct. Okay. And it's possible, you know, but once again,
you said something really important. When I share my feelings, they are, he doesn't have the
emotional maturity to be able to go there. Because I'm going to tell you right now, Rachel, I know
that when you said what you said, all he heard was you're failing. And that's why he said, I don't
know what to tell you. Guys, a lot of avoidance, just so you know, I, I'm an avoidant. A lot of
avoidance were very verbally abused and emotionally abused by parents. Okay, we were not attached to
our parents. I was just telling my husband today that, you know, when my grandparents passed away,
I was like, Oh, that's sad. I had no feelings about that. Cause I had no relationship with them.
You know, I'm glad that I'm glad that they, you know, passed, you know, easily and they're in
heaven. I'm sure because they both, you know, they both knew Jesus, but I didn't know Jesus
through them. And I didn't really know them. Like they weren't close to me. I wasn't attached to
them because you know, if you have to, in order to make attachment, it starts young. When you begin
to make attachment, you begin to understand whether or not the world is safe and whether or
not you're going to be received just as you are, if it's conditional acceptance that you're getting
or whatever it is. But a lot of avoidance have been verbally and emotionally and mentally abused,
whether overtly or covertly by family. And so in this guy who knows what his first wife was like,
but I'm going to tell you right now, when a man or a woman, when you try to tell them your feelings
and they begin to get defensive, they begin to pull away or they begin to say, well, I don't
know what you want me to do about that. Or, you know, I don't know what you want to say to me.
What they're internalizing is that you're saying you're not making me happy. I'm upset because of
you, you're failing, you're not doing your job. That's what they're hearing. Okay. Rachel, I know
that's not what you're saying, but that's what he's hearing. Okay. Yes. And so, but the thing is
is that's not your problem. Okay. If he wants to acknowledge where he needs healing and he wants to
work on this and he wants to work on communicating and also sharing how he's feeling and where he is,
which he did a little bit, he said, I feel pressure. I feel this. I feel that. But when
Rachel shows up and says, this is how I feel. He's like, well, I don't know anything about that.
There's nothing I can do about that. I don't know what you want me to do about that. Well,
what's he want you to do about the things that he's saying to you? I feel stressed.
Work is hard. I feel stretched thin. I feel, I feel pressured, but then you can't show up and
say, I feel disappointed. It's not a good harbinger. Right. Okay. So have that conversation,
wait for the right moment. Okay. Don't try to like schedule it. We need to talk. Don't do that.
Right. Put it on your Jesus cares board and wait for the right minute to have it so that you can
really have closure because one or two things are going to happen. He's going to say, no,
I really value you. And I'm willing to work at this. And, you know, I was just having a bad week,
which is possible. Um, he still has all these things going on, but he could also be open-hearted
enough to work on. It's just having a bad week or bad couple of weeks. Okay. And then the other.
thing is, is that it can just be over and you can move on to someone who really is wanting
to either be healthy or is healthy. Okay. Guys, timing is so important in these conversations.
A lot of times we just want to rip the bandaid off. We just want to get it over with. Don't do
that. Wait for Holy Spirit to lead you into the conversation. That doesn't mean that you're going
to stick your head in the ground. You're going to pretend like everything's okay, but it does
mean that you're not going to just try to get closure for the sake of closure. That's another
thing that anxious of anxious, um, attachers do. They can't stand the feeling of things,
not being of things being open-ended or them not knowing what's going on or not having clarity or
not having closure, you know, of not knowing whether or not this person wants to be with them
or, you know, what's happening or is everything going to be okay. If you're an anxious attacher,
a lot of times you always want reassurance that everything's going to be okay. Everything's
going to be okay. Right. But here's the thing. There is no such thing as that kind of reassurance
because someone can tell you all they want to, that everything's going to be okay. And then it
still isn't right. That's why we just have to give our anxiety to God, cast your care upon me because
I care for you. So all of you ones that get anxious when someone hasn't texted you back,
or you don't know if they're going to ask you out again, or you've been dating for a couple
months and now you don't know where this is going. Instead of sitting that person down and trying to
get them to alleviate your anxiety by giving you a bunch of lip service and telling you all the
things you want to hear, that's only going to keep you fixed for about five minutes before you're off
doing the next anxious thing. You got to get your anxiety at the root. Okay. You're never going to
ever feel peace because you finally, you know, get someone to reassure you because as quick as that
can happen, you can start being afraid of something else. Am I wrong? No, I'm not. Okay.
So we want to get to the root of anxiety. Another thing that anxious people do, and I'm talking
about in relationship, anxious attachers, is you don't believe truly deep down inside that you have
great value. And that's why you're always trying to get someone else to prove it to you by their
grand gesture of commitment. No, let's work on our own value. Let's work on believing within
ourselves, deep within ourselves that, Hey, you know what? If someone passes on me, they're missing
out. And I'm not saying that from an ego place. I'm not saying that from a narcissistic place.
I'm saying that from a place of truth, where I know that I bring a lot to the table that I love
well, right. That I would be a great partner. And if someone passes on me, then guess what? I must
have dodged a bullet. I want you to believe that about yourself, Rachel. You're obviously very
pretty. Okay. You're very articulate and intelligent. I can tell. And you are very emotionally
mature. And so you're bringing a lot to the table and I'm sure that there's way more things than
that, but that's just stuff that I can tell just from this conversation. And so, um, but it doesn't
matter what I say, all that matters is what Rachel believes about herself. And so that's what we have
to work on right now. You guys remember when I said, when we get in these dating relationships,
that's when the real heart works going to surface. That's when you're going to really see where you
need to work. Okay. So Rachel's not going to have this conversation with him right now. She's going
to put it on our Jesus cares board. She's going to put it before the Lord. She's going to wait for
the right timing and she's going to allow God to orchestrate it. Okay. And then keep us posted
if you would. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Yeah. And your kids, how do you think your
kids are going to feel if this doesn't go forward? I think they'll be okay. They, you know,
they like him, but they're not, they haven't, they haven't attached to him. They like him a lot. So,
but just so you know, when I said that you were beautiful, you kind of rolled dries a little bit.
So you either don't believe that, or that has been an Achilles heel where men think you're
beautiful, but you know, you attract the wrong men with your beauty. One or the other is happening
there. So you either don't believe it or it's always not served you well. So let's get down
to that. All right. Cause we want to get healed of that over here, looking like wonder woman.
So let it, let it, let it happen. Healing happened. And a lot of you that are objectively
just what society would call good looking. Okay. What our culture would call good looking.
Your looks haven't served you well. They've actually, you know, it's the honey that attracted
the flies and not the bees. Right. And it's like, that hasn't served you well. And it's
kind of become sort of like a sore spot. I really feel that in my spirit right now.
Gentlemen, as well, people that are objectively, whatever culture has said during your growing
up that is attractive, or you've become that as you've grown up, you know, a lot of times
that gets us the wrong attention from the wrong people.
And it hasn't been, it hasn't been a beneficial thing to us.
Right.
And so, um, if that's the case, then, you know, God wants you to step into healing.
He wants you to step into healing where the people that you're going to attract going
forward.
Yeah.
They are going to think that you're pretty or handsome, but they are going to be attracted
to something much deeper inside of you.
Okay.
Sorry.
I have the hiccups all of a sudden.
Okay.
All right.
And so you guys is Rachel's relationship over?
We don't know.
We have no idea.
We don't know what's going to happen next and, but God does.
And we're going to trust him to lead and guide her forward.
And the good news is, is that this is either going to evolve and get healthier and get
more communicative and become what it needs to be, or it's going to end and there's something
better.
So either way, Rachel wins, she wins either way.
Okay.
How do you heal when it hasn't served you?
Well, um, you, you got to bring it to the Lord.
You guys, he knit us together in our mother's womb.
So if you feel like your looks have been a detriment to you because you haven't been
what society is considered beautiful or handsome or the opposite, we've got to bring that to
God and ask him to heal us, right?
Because this is not who we are.
And I believe a spirit mate doesn't fall in love with just this.
This is going to gravity's going to take its toll on this.
No matter how much work you do, no matter how healthy you try to be and how good you
try to eat, you're going to age.
You're going to wrinkle.
You're going to get Brown spots.
You're going to get saggy.
Gravity's going to take over.
It's going to happen.
You're going to get gray.
You're going to get all kinds of things.
And so the thing that someone has with you to partner with you for this entire life,
it has to be more than just what you look like on the outside.
So whether you're outside has served you not well or well, it's time for you to understand
that you're more than your body and come to peace with that and allow God to heal whichever
side of the street you're on.
All right.
Question about a level three relationship where he's displaying symptoms of anger and
some emotional concerns.
Right.
So Chris, I'll jump in the love seat either.
Hi.
So backstory level three, about six weeks now, um, about two weeks ago, he won't about
early on when he would drive, it was aggressive, but you know, I have my moments, so I'd make
jokes like aggressive, like, uh, Hey, you ever, or just like the road rage aggressive
is like riding on the rear, speeding up, slowing down like this in and out.
And so, but then Friday was road rage, like cutting them off, beeping the horn, yelling.
And I'm like, Whoa.
So I posted in the group about it and I didn't say anything.
I just kind of went internal.
Cause I don't want to say anything out of emotion.
So I just took it to the Lord and to the group.
And so then I had a chat with him and he said, well, I'm on singular and that seems
to heighten my anger.
So I'll go off of that.
But just so you know, I'll be emotional for a few days.
And so, you know, just be mindful of that.
And I said, okay, no problem.
Okay.
So then he calls me, um, the other day and, and reiterates this.
And he said, I'm just letting you know, to be sensitive.
And I said, how can I be sensitive to this?
It goes, well, you know, and I'm like, no, I don't, I don't know.
You know, what is it that you're needing from me?
How, what is it that you're looking for?
How can I help?
He's like, well, I know, but I don't know.
I'm like, what does that mean?
He's like, well, if I tell you, then I won't know if you're doing it because you want to
or it's because I told you, I'm like, he goes in plus your Holy, Holy spirit talks to you.
So you talk to him and he'll tell you what I need.
And I'm like, or you could tell me what you need.
It's like the other day when I blew a tire and I bent it and I said, I just need to vent.
You don't need to fix it.
I need to vent process it with Jesus.
And then we'll talk later.
Like I'm telling you what I need, cause I'm not a mind reader and I'm not like, I used
to be this thing like, oh, you should know what I need by now.
So there's several components going on and I don't quite know how to navigate it because
he's semi-passive aggressive in some of his stuff and very, um, all the time is constantly
complimenting me.
And do I like it?
Sure.
But there's days where I'm like telling me I'm awesome 37 times a day.
Why are you telling me I'm awesome?
37 times a day.
Like what's going on?
Like, okay.
So I will tell you, I will tell you the yellow flag and.
The thing that says that this man is an anxious attacher
is the, you should be able to read my mind.
You should know what I need, okay?
That's one of the kind of the tests
that anxious attachers use.
It's really classic textbook anxious attachment.
So if you didn't know that, now you know, right?
Okay, and the other like love bombing you,
complimenting you, all of that.
Guys, I know a lot of times we think that love bombing,
which has become the terminology that we use
for people who over compliment us or connect too quickly
and tell us, you know, deep, meaningful things
or that they're falling for us
or that they love us too quickly.
All those things are, you know, future forecasting
where they're talking about, you know, being with us
and what it's gonna be like when they're married to us
and all that kind of stuff.
I know that we've tried to make that
just like a narcissistic behavior, but I want to,
I know I said this a lot, but I need to say it again
for all the new ones, all right?
For all the people in the back, let me say it again.
Narcissism is a mental illness, okay?
That has to be diagnosed by three to five criteria
from a diagnostic manual called the DSM-5
that psychologists and psychiatrists use
to diagnose mental health conditions, okay?
All right, narcissistic tendencies
are just an underdeveloped trauma response, okay?
Underdeveloped emotions from a trauma
where someone's growth, their emotional growth
was stunted or arrested
because of some kind of trauma in their life
and they seem unusually selfish, okay?
Unusually unempathetic, doesn't make them a sociopath.
It just a lot of times means that they have trauma
that they haven't grown past, right?
Keep going.
Yeah, so I took a couple of days to process
because the other thing that happened
in the process of all these things
was he was saying something almost at the end of it.
I'm like, no, I disagree with that.
And he's like, well, da-da-da-da-da.
I'm like, I disagree.
And he shut down and a few minutes later,
I'm like, so what's going on in your brain?
And so he projected that or he expressed that
he doesn't want me telling him no
because he's just going to shut down.
And I'm like, there's so much manipulation
and things happening that I'm just like...
So I had a conversation with him and I said,
these are some things that I'm noticing
and I really believe for me personally,
what I do is I tend to take my feelings
and emotions to Jesus first.
We do this vertically thing
and I find out if it's what's going on.
And then I do horizontally
and I don't want to bear the weight of fixing you.
And if you need something from me,
then I'm more than happy to jump in and do this.
But if the weight of all of it is on me,
that makes me God and you're setting me up for failure.
And so I just don't...
I'm having a hard time sticking this out
because I want to see the work.
I want to give him the chance to work on it,
but at the same time, I feel myself pulling away
because I do fear that the road rage
is an underlying anger issue
that is going to pop up at any other time.
So I don't really know how to navigate this.
Okay.
First of all, I want to say this, okay?
It's important.
And I'm not in any way trying to convince her
that this guy is worth any more time.
My husband has road rage.
My husband, sweet little David Dorman,
when he gets behind the wheel of a car,
turns into the Hulk, all right?
And it is crazy, y'all.
He gets so mad and he wouldn't care if I told you this,
but he's MF'ing people.
I'm like, David Dorman, our kids are in the car.
He's like saying the F word and I'm like,
and our kids are adults and I'm like,
and they're like, dad, what is wrong with you?
And so what God showed me, because this, you guys,
I mean, I would have PTSD from riding with him
because he would escalate a level two traffic situation
because I'm like super calm when I drive.
When I'm just like, I'm not in a hurry, I don't care.
Do whatever you want.
I'm the person that'll stop and let other people
get in in front of me and stuff
and everyone else is honking at me, you know?
And then my husband is like this, right?
And I was just like, I can't ride with you.
Like, I can't do it.
It's just so crazy.
And it also was part of like our drive-thru life.
So like a drive-thru restaurant, Starbucks, whatever.
My husband would become visibly anxious in the drive-thru.
And when we got up to the window, he'd be like,
you know, when we get up to order,
he'd be like, hurry up, order, order, order.
Because he wants me to order what I want
because he doesn't want to mess it up.
And just like pressuring me and pushing me
and just making me go fast.
And I'm a fast person already.
And then going up to the window
and him like almost throwing the money at the person
and grabbing our stuff and speeding off.
But I'm the kind of person who wants to check the stuff
before we pull away from the window,
make sure that I have everything that's in my order.
And he would become so incensed by this.
Babe, hurry up, look through it.
Is there everything there?
Cause he just wants to, just wants to go, right?
So God revealed to me that this was,
this anxiety came from when he was a child.
He has a very type A mom, very like,
hurry, go, go, go, go, go, go gadget.
She's a wonderful woman.
But when he was a little boy, he was slow processor.
He still is.
My husband's a very big dreamer, like a creative.
He processes things pretty slowly.
He liked to use to like build Legos
and sit and dream for hours with his Lego,
you know, Lego cities and things.
And his mom was always like, hurry up, Davy.
Davy, hurry up.
Davy, go, Davy, eat.
She used to set a timer for him when he was eating
cause he ate too slow.
And when the timer went off, she'd be like, all right,
you're done, no dessert for you.
If he didn't finish his food by the time the timer went off.
So what God showed me is that in this rat race life
that we live in, where everyone on the road
is trying to get somewhere really fast,
everyone's honking at each other.
Everyone's er, jockeying for position and being rude.
And, you know, all the things that,
it is a huge trigger for my husband to be put into like
that pressure cooker situation, right?
Where people are beeping at him and honking at him
and then, you know, cutting him off.
And then he's riding their bumper,
like what you're talking about.
Same with the drive-through.
There's people waiting behind us and just the pressure
of other people wanting you to get out of the way
was causing this reaction in him.
But now that he's aware of it, Chriselle,
he can navigate it more.
He can manage it more.
He can mitigate it more.
It's really important that we understand
that there is a why behind the what.
So I don't think that road rage is real rage.
I think the reason why a lot of like even tempered people
get rageful behind the wheel of a car is because,
number one, it's a situation that's very high pressure.
And that brings out the worst in some people, right?
Very rude, inconsiderate people,
people that are dangerously driving.
I mean, these people could very easily kill someone,
these people on the road with us
because of the way that they drive.
And I think some people, their sense of justice,
this is just wrong what these people are doing.
And also just the pressure of the whole thing
just really gets to some people.
So I wouldn't cross him off the list just because of that.
But he does have a lot of other things
that I've written down,
very, very telltale signs of anxious attachment
that seems like it isn't healed at all.
He's not like self-aware.
And so, you know, I would suggest the program to him.
You know?
And see-
I did.
Okay, and what did he say?
No, I'm good.
Okay.
No, no, no.
What did he say when you suggested the program?
Yeah, he said I'm good.
Oh, I'm good.
Okay, so that's what I was gonna say.
You guys, if you like suggest counseling or therapy
to someone, a lot of people will be offended by that.
But if you suggest a program that you're in
for like dating or doing heart work or something,
and someone says something like that,
that means they're not teachable.
Right.
Right?
That means that they don't wanna change.
They're not willing to look at their stuff.
And you guys, that takes a yellow flag to red every time.
That was my thought too.
Cause that was a concern.
Like we have a mutual friend
and who's known him way longer.
And he said, that would be my one concern
is that he's not teachable in certain areas of his life.
And for me, it is important that you're teachable
cause my whole life is a dumpster fire
and I need to be teachable in every area.
Not just, you know, I mean, not now,
it's not a dumpster fire, but I mean, along the way,
it's been like this constant thing of growth
and I'm always looking to grow
cause we're never done growing or healing.
And so it's just like this plateau.
So yeah, that was my thought.
I'm like, how can I?
And how long have you been dating the guy?
Just six weeks.
Okay.
And do you, is there anything you like about him?
There was a few things.
Like I love, so I'm in recovery seven years,
single, sober, celibate and saved is what I say.
All right.
So he's sober 15 years.
We work both in the recovery community
and he's been, he has, he went to Moody Bible Institute.
So he's grounded and rooted in the word,
but there comes this, it's gotta, yeah.
So he, great.
He loves Jesus, knows the Bible, and sober.
To me, that's like starting.
Like, I'm like, that should be the base.
You know what I mean?
Like, we need more than that.
Yeah.
And it sounds like he has.
a lot of hard work to do still. So yeah. So you guys this is great because you know, a lot of
times there's the one before the one sometimes there's the one before the one before the one
before the one and we're learning from these relationships. I just want to say something
right now you guys and I'm saying this in love. Okay, I went to school to be a psychologist. I
understand all the psychology rhetoric. I understand a lot of people are part of the
psychology culture and you've been lots of therapists and counselors. Please don't bring
that here. Okay. I see a lot of people trying to diagnose people in the comments saying that
sounds like borderline personality and that sounds like we don't want that here. Okay.
We don't want that here because all of those things without fail are just evidence of a broken
heart. That's what they all are. Okay. All of those things without fail are just evidence of
unhealed trauma, broken heart, you know, what I call fragmented spirit. So please don't come here
a diagnosis in the comments or in your groups trying to diagnose people that are other people
are meeting or dating. We don't do that here. Okay, we don't do that here. Even if you're a
therapist and maybe you do that in your actual real life outside of the internet. Don't bring
that here. Okay. Thank you. All right. Who else wants to jump in?
Yeah, I can look through and see if there's any.
I know no one can picture David Dorman like that. You guys and it's not every day. Okay. I don't
want you guys to think that he's like, you know, road raging crazy man, but enough that I'm like,
bro, you gotta, we gotta figure out what's going on with you. Cause those are two very
different personalities, right? Him just happy, go lucky Davey Dorman. And then behind the wheel
of the car, you know, it's not normal. And so, um, but when I told him what Holy spirit had
revealed to me, it's so resonated with him. And he was able to, you know, begin to press into that.
That's what really good women, gentlemen, that's what a good woman will do. She will help connect
you to your heart and to your feelings and to your emotional center. Because a lot of times men are
living here. And a lot of times women are intellectualized. You guys know intellectualizing
is a self-defense mechanism. So sometimes if your feelings have done you wrong, or you've
watched other people, maybe you had a parent who was over emotional and they use their emotions to
really like abuse the people around them. Um, that a lot of times a child will either become
exactly the same way, or they will start living from their head because their head is safer
than any kind of emotional center. Right. Um, but for the most part, you know, the stereotype of
women being more emotional or more connected to their emotions is true for the most part,
that stereotype is true. But of course there are women who have lived from their head because it's
a safer, um, place. Okay. That analyzing place. All right, Renee. Now you have four people with
their hands up. So I think they've been, so we're going to go boom, boom, boom, boom. We don't have
a lot of time for huge backstories. So let's keep it brief and powerful starting with Melissa Dawn.
Um, so I, I, this question will not be very polished, but, um, I more just want to express
and also like, hear your thoughts about, um, saying no to someone who is like, has so much
potential and yet they're not ready. Um, like that's been a recent situation I've had. And I,
I did ask the Lord, I had asked my community and what God gave me peace for was to say that,
you know, we're in very different places and he received it really well. It was very hard
because we like had mutual attraction. We had, you know, some things in common,
which are hard to find. Um, but I think like my heart still broke, you know what I mean?
Even though, and it's not like, I mean, all we've ever done is like hugged, like,
you know, I only saw him in person one day. So it's not like, you know, there were soul ties
per se, but we logged a lot of hours and, um, I don't know, like, I, I think I realized through
the process that, um, like, I really do have to go with the peace of God, but I'll tell you that
I was so tempted not to obey God's voice. Like, because just, he was like, like, he seemed like,
like my type, type thing. And so, um, anyway, so like, I bawled my eyes out
multiple times. It's only been like six weeks that I got to know him, but, um, but anyway,
and we met once in person and it was for a long time, but, um, anyway, so I guess, um,
framing all of that, I'd love to hear your perspective, having interacted with multiple.
people and seen so many stories, Jackie, what have you observed in terms of like those moments
where you're saying no to something good, or it's like you want it to be the right thing
and you like wish it were the right thing, but it's like in that moment of like your
heart is breaking because it's like there's so many things, or at least things that feel
weighty and were missing before. Like I just love to hear some perspective from you having
this panoramic view about saying no to the good so you can say yes to the best.
Hey, so I'm asked this question a lot, you guys. All right, not just in this group, but
also in private coaching, also on panels and different things. And one thing that I know
for sure, if you're getting to know someone or you're dating someone, you're liking them,
obviously everyone has yellow flags, right? We know that everyone has areas that are still
processing. They could even be at a different level in life than you in that area. And you
are feeling specifically, Melissa said something very specific that I want to address that
God is saying no. And she's glad she was obedient. You guys always get other confirmations of
that. Okay. And I don't mean going and getting wise counsel and you laying out from your
perspective, what's happening and then getting that person to side with you and agree with
you that this is not what you should be doing. I'm talking about simply if God is getting
involved in your love life to the area of saying to the, to the degree of saying, no,
this person's not for you, then he's going to have to prove it. Okay. Because religion
is giving people avoidant attachment. People are talking themselves out of relationships
that can get good, that just have yellow flags because they in the past have believed that this
person should be so far ahead when they finally meet them, they're going to be so healed and so
far ahead of, you know, this and that and all the different things. And I'm telling you, okay,
it just isn't true. It isn't true. You guys know, I have a front row seat to what is almost a
thousand marriages now. Okay. And I'm telling you, it's not true. And so it's important that
we know that this is God and not just fear talking, you know, not just like, you know,
you guys, we all want to go to and move into something that's moving ready. Some of you guys
are crazy and you like a fixer upper, you want to go buy a house that looks like it should be
torn down. And you're just like, I want to live here. I just can't wait to redo this entire house
and relay the foundation and build it from scratch. And, you know, sand the floorboards
and stain them. And I'm not that girl. When I looked at houses before I bought my first house,
I, you know, this is my first house before I bought my first house. I wanted something that
was done for you. Something that was moving ready, something that all I would have to do
is just move my stuff in and live in it and be happy. Okay. And some of you are a hybrid of
all those different things. You're okay with some things being not where they should be,
but there are other things that shouldn't be. So my first thing, I'm not necessarily giving this
advice to Melissa, but I'm giving it to all of you that are going to, at one point in time,
think that God is telling, you know, and this is in my dating book, that's coming out.
That's gotta be confirmed. And it's gotta be confirmed outside of you. And I'm not talking
about top of mind confirmations where you're like, I think God said me, no, God told me no.
And then you're driving down the street and you see a sign that just says, no, you're like, Oh,
yep. God's telling me now. No, you got no on your mind. Top of mind is happening to you.
It's the same thing as I think I'll buy a white Honda Accord. And then I see white Honda Accords
everywhere. Right? Why is that? Are there more white Honda Accords? Is that God telling me to
buy a white Honda Accord? No, that means you're thinking about it. Therefore you're seeing it.
Okay. This is important stuff, you guys, because I can't tell you how many people I've counseled
lately that coached lately that have ended up circling back around and getting back with
someone that they really couldn't get over, but they thought God told them no, or some pastor
told them no. And then now they're happily married to them after a couple of years of, you know,
basically needless suffering. Okay. And so not saying that's this Melissa's situation, but
she's asking me. So I'm telling you guys, confirmations should happen outside of yourself.
Where's that biblical through the mouth of two or three witnesses, let a word be established.
Okay. Guys, remember I said that there was a guy that I met before David Dorman
and he was really great. The preschool dad, you guys remember me telling the story about him?
And then I felt like God was saying, no, he's not for you. Okay. Guess what? I didn't,
I didn't break up with him or, you know, break up with the possibility.
of him based on that conversation that I had with God.
I got numerous more confirmations unsolicited from other people.
You know, I went to my counseling session for the very first time with a pastor in the
area.
And he said, you know, as we were talking, he said, he said, you're seeing someone, aren't
you?
And I was just like, yeah, I am.
And he's like, yeah, I don't think they're God's best for you.
Like he got a word of knowledge for me, you know, and I didn't tell him I was seeing someone
at all.
I didn't act like I was someone who was seeing someone.
He didn't know me from Jack Adam.
Okay.
And Jackie Adam.
And then and then it happened again.
And God made it very clear to me that he was telling me not that this guy was bad news
bears, but that if I would work on myself a little bit and really focus on my child
and myself right now, that there would be someone who would be better suited for me
long term.
Okay.
And I actually know who that other guy is that I kind of dated for a little while and
like what he's become and what he's done with his life.
And we really, we really wouldn't have been compatible long term, right?
We definitely would have wanted different things in life.
All right.
So please, please get confirmations of this before you end something really good, especially
for those of you that have been seeing someone for a while and now all of a sudden it's just
like, even though you want to stay, you're not allowed to stay.
That's always a red flag for me.
Why aren't you allowed to stay?
Okay.
So Melissa, what was your question again?
Well, I was just asking about like how to basically how to hold out for God's best in
the midst of the process and how to discern that.
And so you did address that in a broad strokes way and thank you for doing so.
I will say that I have sought extensive amounts of confirmation and also received that.
And I always hold it with an open hand because if the Lord wants to reopen it at some point,
I'm very sure that I was almost like a little bit too generous with this individual based
on a lot of different factors.
But I, yeah, so I just, but I guess, I guess what I'm expressing as well is just, you
probably watched, you know, you said that you have matchmaking and match breaking and
you've watched people in that probably, you know, match breaking part where it's like
they know, and they do have confirmation, multiple levels of it, that it's not God's
best, at least not for now, maybe never.
And just like in that moment, what would you speak to that individual?
Well, you guys, I know that it's hard and kind of one of the, one of the litmus tests
for early relationship.
I want you guys to hear this.
And this, of course, there's always exceptions and that's why we don't make rules.
We're not making a rule here, just giving some advice.
In early relationship, if you feel like you're working at like a job, something's probably
off, whether like, like Melissa just said, the timing's off, the connection's off, the
hard healing's off.
It shouldn't be really hard, especially at the beginning, right?
Where you have to sit down and have numerous conversations.
Like, you know, Rachel was telling us about conversations that she's been, she's having
two and a half months into this relationship.
Okay.
Having a disagreement two and a half months into a relationship, that's normal, right?
But if you are always having those types of things early in a relationship, let's say
the first six months where someone's hurting your feelings or you're being offended, or
there's misunderstandings, miscommunications, you feel like you're always having to sit
down and talk and have a talk and decide whether to make up or break up.
You guys, that is not a healthy combination.
And it doesn't even mean that they're the unhealthy one.
Maybe you're the unhealthy one.
Maybe you're both the unhealthy ones.
It doesn't matter.
Whatever reason, you guys are not making each other better.
You're making each other worse, right?
You're bringing out the bad in each other, not just the, not the good.
And so we want to make sure we're paying attention to that because oil and water don't mix.
And oftentimes polar opposites attract.
But I will tell you something about polar opposite personalities.
Even when they're healthy, they don't cohabitate.
They don't cohabitate well.
Even when they've done heart healing, they don't cohabitate well.
Guys, complimentary opposites are people that are going to enjoy you and your quirks.
They're going to think they're cute.
All right.
Same as you with them.
You're going to have a lot of patience and grace for each other's shortcomings because
it's not going to be this opposite thing that you don't understand that drives you up a wall.
Right.
It's not going to be like that.
Okay.
So let's make sure we're paying attention and guys.
It goes for you as well.
And gentlemen, let me tell you something.
If you're with a woman who's always offended,
every time you say something,
she's got her panties in a wad,
she can't take a joke, just forget it, move on.
Okay?
That woman is not healthy enough for a relationship.
She's not, okay?
And so all you're gonna do
is constantly be walking around on eggshells,
trying to figure it out.
And so it doesn't matter how cute she is,
that is not a woman who is ready to trust you
and let you in, all right?
An offended heart is a broken heart.
A critical heart is a broken heart.
Okay.
All right, this is good stuff.
Okay, thank you, Melissa.
So how to hold out for God's best.
First of all, you have to know
kind of some stuff about yourself, right?
And you're doing that work, and that's great.
And so God's best is not necessarily
what other people would think is God's best for you
and who other people think you should be with.
And, you know, the people that love us
wanna see us with like Mr. or Mrs. America, right?
They wanna see us with the person
who's just on top of the world,
has got it all together, all the things, you know?
But at the same time, we have to understand that,
you know, we are people that are not perfect.
And so these people that God's partnering us with
are not gonna be perfect people either.
And so God's best is really a relative situation.
First of all, knowing where you're going and what you want.
And I'm not talking about
where you're going 20 years from now.
Where are you going 20 minutes from now?
Where are you going for the next 12 months?
You guys, we're gonna do an exercise
really soon in this group
where we're halfway through second quarter.
I want you guys to really begin to map out
what you want the rest of this year to look like.
And that is absolutely biblical for you to do that.
And yeah, you know, can God order your steps
and can you end up a different direction?
Sure, but let's plan our way.
A lot of people misquote that scripture.
They're like, oh, a man plans his way,
but God takes him the way he wants to take him.
Like God orders your steps.
No, that's not what it's saying.
It's saying plan your way,
but then allow God to order your steps, right?
And so we wanna make that plan.
That's important that we do that.
Okay, so God's best for you is relative.
It's relative.
And at every season of your life, it's relative.
But I will tell you, here's some things you can look for.
Are they kind?
Are they considerate?
Are they teachable?
How do they react when there is some sort of disagreement?
Do they know how to fight fair?
Are they willing to apologize?
Okay, when you ask them, when you tell them,
hey, you know, you might wanna look into something,
when you give them, not from a judgmental place,
not from a trying to be their teacher or counselor,
but when you say, hey, you know,
you might wanna think about doing this.
Are you interested in it?
And they're like, oh no, I'm good.
They come back from a place of defense or pride,
and then they probably aren't ready for a relationship.
Okay, and so I do have a really good friend.
If I said his name, you guys would all know him.
He's really, you know, famous preacher.
But I was talking about a business decision
that I had made and I said,
oh no, I think I created an ishmael.
I said that out loud in front of him.
He was at my house.
And he said one of the most healing things I've ever heard.
And I wanna say this now with all of you
that are worried about marrying ishmael.
Okay, and that goes for you guys too.
All right, a counterfeit, so to speak.
He said to me, he said, Jackie, he said,
is that really true?
He said, because one thing about that story
that you need to really pay attention to
is ishmael was born out of direct disobedience
to the word of God.
And then he went on to say,
you can't birth an ishmael by accident.
And you can't birth an ishmael by, you know,
basically imperfectly taking action on God's promise.
Guys, it's imperfect.
We're not gonna know who these people are, right?
We're not gonna know.
The heavens are not probably gonna open in part and say,
this is your partner.
You know, it's probably not what's gonna happen.
But we have teachable hearts.
We're following after God.
So the best that we know how,
ishmael was born out of direct obedience.
Very important.
And he said, Jackie, he said,
this thing that you've done in your business
that I was talking about, that I was like,
oh no, I've created an ishmael.
He said, you didn't do that out of disobedience.
He said, you did that out of just taking imperfect action
on what God asked you to do.
He said, it's not an ishmael.
And so someone needs to hear that.
I know, isn't that powerful?
It's Dan O'McCollum.
Let me just tell you who said that to me.
Because I want to give him credit for being so wise.
Dan O, if you don't know who he is, he's phenomenal.
And that really healed my heart.
He's such a father.
He's such a father in the faith, y'all.
Okay.
So,
Melissa, you can't go wrong, just taking imperfect action.
You gave this guy, and you said something,
you're like, I probably was too generous.
I don't think we can be too generous.
I don't, because a lot of times, you know,
giving people, you know, kind of the rope
to hang themselves with, so to speak,
giving people grace and mercy and allowing them to show,
allowing them a chance to show us
who they really are right now in their lives
doesn't mean they're gonna be that person later,
but this is who they are right now.
And can we partner with that or not?
I think that's necessary in this day and age
in order to really see, and God will,
and here's the great thing about God,
God will give us grace for what we need grace for.
Remember, my husband filed for bankruptcy.
He was going through a divorce.
He had a car that blew up and caught fire
on the side of the road.
He had a $40,000 a year career with no health insurance
and no 401k and no pot to pee in, basically, okay?
He was living in a rental.
His wife had just gotten them a massive, massive debt,
and then somehow she left him holding the IRS tax bill.
I don't know.
You guys, on paper, this guy looked terrible, terrible,
but 17 years in, I can tell you,
it's the best decision I ever made,
even if he does turn into the Hulk when he's driving, okay?
So praise God.
All right, very quickly, Eden, Gabriela,
and then that will be all for tonight.
Go ahead, Eden.
Love your hair.
Did you, I gave a word about purple hair the other day.
Were you there?
Were you in that session?
No, I wasn't, but I'll briefly.
You got to go hear it.
You got to hear that.
All right, go ahead.
I just want to honor you first
for just saying yes to Jesus for this call
and because it's amazing.
Thank you.
My first question, I've been dating this guy
and we're in a level three relationship.
So two events happened.
One, I expressed my feeling to him
about him coming to the school
that I'm trying to enroll my daughters in
because he's very into education.
And I said, hey, I know you have work,
but if you're available, please let me know.
I'd love you to come.
So he never responded to it,
but a week before that, I just sent him that message again,
just to remind him he still didn't say anything.
And the day came in and the same morning,
I was driving to school.
I told him, hey, I'm going to the school, you know,
but I know he wasn't going to come,
but just a regular conversation.
And then afternoon, he said, oh, I forgot about the school.
So I wasn't good at just telling him that time.
I said, hey, I just talked to you this morning
and I'm on my way to school.
So you're kind of aware of it.
So he kind of brushed it off.
The second, I'm in BS the same now for graduation.
And a month ago, he asked me if we can hang out this weekend.
I said, oh, I'll be in California for my graduation.
And he said, I would love to come.
I know this is very important to you.
I said, okay.
So I told him when the graduation day is
and when I'm flying and when I'm going to be here,
just so that we have an idea when to be here.
And two weeks before, two weeks ago, he said, hey,
I asked him, I was like, hey, are you still coming?
Because I got to get a ticket for you in order to attend.
He said, oh yeah, I'm looking for a flight.
And then he takes me a few hours later and say, hey,
why don't you go ahead and book it?
So I was, I didn't respond to it.
But every time I bring this conversation,
it seems like he want me to book the flight.
And I told him, I was like, no,
you need to go ahead and book it
because I don't know what time works for you
when you can leave.
So he kept pushing it until the last minute.
And he said, well, I'm still trying to come in.
Can you look a flight for me?
So at this point, I was just like, okay, I stopped
because there's two important things that he said
he wanted to be involved in my life, he doesn't.
And the second question is he doesn't believe
in going to the port, getting a paperwork
when it comes to marriage.
He said it's a covenant relationship that he really want.
And as he said, as long as you say it before God,
that is when marriage starts.
So I know there's truism to it and you addressed it before.
So I wanna know what your thought is.
What does the process look like?
Even though that's the truth,
how do you align the cultures and the ritual
that we have in this country
and me being from outside of this country,
how can you communicate that?
Yes, that is true.
It's a covenant relationship,
but also there is other ways that you can take
in order for people to know and to come celebrate you.
Absolutely.
And so you guys, it is true.
Covenants are made between you and God, for sure.
I believe that there are certain covenants
that are made with witnesses.
Marriage is one of those.
Ever since the beginning of time,
marriages have always had witnesses.
And those witnesses are the people
that know you well, right?
And there's a reason why at modern marriages,
we give people space to tell us why two people
should not be joined in covenant, right?
That is to keep us safe from making decisions
that we shouldn't make, right?
That's really important.
And so we have to make covenants in front of God
and also in front of people, right?
So that's how we do that.
And that's how it's always been done
all the way back to the Bible days.
And so there's no argument there.
And there's a scripture that does talk about obeying the laws of the land, right, that you
live in. And so, I mean, that's, that is another really wise thing to do. And I want to point this
out in case none of us, in case we missed it, because I'm taking notes on this, is that the
reason why it's very convenient for this man to not believe in traditional marriage of the court
because he doesn't want to spend his money. He doesn't want to buy his plane ticket,
and he also doesn't want you to have his money. If you marry him, you know, sure,
if all it was just me and you in front of God, then it could just be me and you in front of God
when I say I divorce her and then take my stuff and go, right? And so there isn't any commitment
here, right? There's no skin in the game. There's no accountability in this situation. This guy's
got a lot of flags that I think could really get read real fast, okay? Especially the constant,
you know, you reminded him, you reminded him, you reminded him, you were very, you know,
conscientious about reminding him. And then he was like, oh, I didn't know. I didn't see. Really?
Okay. And then I want to come. I want to support you. It's important to you. I want to go on this
trip with you to California. Of course, who doesn't want to go to California? Will you buy
my ticket? No. You said to him several times, no, I won't buy your ticket. And yet he still
continues to the last minute. Cause graduation was today, right? Um, to tomorrow to say, um,
Hey, you know, are you getting me my tickets? Are you getting the tickets? You know? And so
first of all, that's not divinely masculine, right? He should be planning his own trip.
He should be paying for his own tickets. And I guarantee you, if you would have bought his
tickets, he wouldn't have paid you back for them. Right? So no. All right. We don't there's,
there's so many reasons to just say no. How long have you been talking to this guy?
Uh, but six weeks. Okay. Well, guess what? You learned a lot about him in six weeks and I feel
like you can move on. You know, I do. I feel like you can move on. Um, because these are, like I
said, these are the type of yellow, orange flags that will turn red really fast. These are,
these are not, these are not good things. So congratulations on your graduation. We're so
proud of you. That's so amazing. Thank you. Yeah. Everyone. Yes. That's so great. That's not easy.
They that's a, that's a pretty grueling schedule, even online to go to BSSM. My daughter graduated
today from BSSM first year. Um, and she's on her way back to Texas tomorrow morning. She'll be
driving with her fiance. Um, and they're coming back home. She's not going to do year two or three.
She's going to get married actually in August. And I believe that you're going to get married too,
but to someone who's a lot more mature, who wants to treat you like the lady that you are.
Okay. You're doing too much heavy lifting in this relationship already. And you're only six weeks
in. Remember when I said friends that if it's hard from the beginning, this is hard from the
beginning, she's kind of, kind of dragging him along from the beginning and he's wanting her
to flip the bill. And he's already showing signs of not wanting to make any kind of commitment with
accountability. And that's not good. No, that basically is a BSA. Oh, you know what? We can
pray in front of God. Now we can have sex because we're married, but you don't get my money. And I
don't have to answer to anybody for you. If I decide that I don't want to be with you anymore.
Thanks. No, thanks. Okay. Gabriella last but not least.
Okay. So I have been seeing a guy. I've been talking to him for a couple of months. I've
been on three dates with him. Pretty much nothing but green flags. My question is,
he is, I think he's assuming that we're in an exclusive relationship without asking me to be
in one. Why do you think, why do you think he's doing that? Because what's your evidence?
He texted me saying, well, he's been talking about wanting to introduce me to his kids and
wanting to meet my kids. And we've only been on three dates, but he said, I've mentioned that I
wanted to take my time with that. I just kind of organically I, I invited, well, I told him I was
going to a church game night with my daughter and he said, Oh, maybe I'll accidentally bump into you
with my daughter. Who's 15. My daughter's six. So I was like, okay, it's in a group setting.
It's at church with people. I know. I didn't think he'd really do it, but he ended up showing up.
Okay. Wait, wait, wait, hold on. Does he go to your church? No, not my church either. It's just
a church that my
friend invited me to they had a game night. Right. So he's not
in church either. And he only went because you were there and
he brought his daughter and bumped into you.
He didn't bring his daughter. She didn't answer his text. So
okay. But he ended up playing games with my daughter, myself
and a couple other kids. And then like on my on our second
date, he brought some gluten free snacks for my daughter
because I just found out my daughter might have celiac. So I
thought that was really thoughtful. But he's been
hinting at meeting my, my son. He wanted to go to the store
with me and my daughter to show me this bulk section where
there's a lot of gluten free stuff and he bought some stuff
for her and I started to get a little bit nervous because my
daughter seemed to get really attached to him after just that
one evening of I didn't tell her anything about him other than
he's a friend and she started saying things like I feel like
he could be my dad. So that freaked me out a bit. And I
told them that I think it'd be a good idea to wait.
Okay. So, all right. So here's a couple things. And so and I'm,
you know, I want to really help here because, you know, Gabby,
you've been here for a minute and you know, you have not had
the best taste in men. So we want to talk about this because
right away, this guy is not respecting your boundaries. And
I know that these things seem kind and they think not but
you said to him with your words from the beginning of the
relationship, I want to wait on that. And yet, he's doing
whatever he wants. I want to wait on that. What about I want
to wait on that is not clear. But this is what happens. And
this is what's happened to you before is that you get with a
man who is kind of strong willed, stronger willed than
you because you're not very strong willed. And, you know,
you're you're trying to assert healthy boundaries, but he's
walking over them, and he's just doing what he wants. Anyway,
right. And some of you might be like, oh, it's just a small
thing. You know, he's just trying to be kind and nice. No,
he's not respecting her boundary of I don't want you to meet my
daughter yet. And not only is he meeting your daughter, but he is
inserting himself, he's playing with her, he's like, making a
connection with her, he's doing things that you are not
comfortable with. And that's why you're here asking about
this, because somewhere inside, even though on the outside
seems, oh, it's nice. And he bought a gluten free snacks, and
you're not comfortable with it. And you can't ignore that. You
guys, I know, we talk a lot about, hey, the gift of
intuition versus the suspicion and all the things, but you
guys, if something doesn't sit right with you, don't ignore
that. Don't ignore that. Okay, this guy's already pushing.
I didn't tell him that until after he had met her. So that
was my bad. And then he said he would go slow with as far as
meeting the kids. But then he also invited me to do his
daughter's drama show. And he's already told his daughter about
me. He gets along with his ex wife and her boyfriend.
I'm Gabby. I'm just trying. I'm Gabrielle. I'm trying to I'm
trying to help you here. I know the person that rings me out at
CVS better than you know, this guy. Okay. Yeah. All right. And
these are some very private areas of your life. And he's
coming into them way too fast. Two dates. No, like I said, I
know my my checkout clerk at CVS. They've seen me more than
you've seen this guy. And guess what? They haven't been in my
house and they haven't met my kids. But yet I've seen them
more than you've seen him. And so I'm trying to make a point
here that this guy's a complete stranger and you have a small
child. Okay, and a son. How old your son? He's 13. Okay, so you
have a teenage son and a small school aged daughter. Okay,
who's already hungry for daddy. Okay, so you have to put the
boundaries back. And if he doesn't like it, you're going to
see another side of him. And that's the side that we want to
see. Because we've we've got to we've got to we've got to be
safe with our kids, right? And we've already gone way too far
down roads before with people that we should have never been
on those roads with. And so say to him again, hey, listen, I
know that I kind of just passively allowed this to
happen. But I I don't I don't want you to see my kids right
now. I want to get to know you first before you get to know my
kids. Be very kind and very polite about it. Nice,
obviously not, you know, any kind of aggressiveness in it.
And if he's like, Okay, yeah, oh, yeah, I understand. I'm
sorry.
or, you know, yeah, I shouldn't have done that.
And he's fine to follow that boundary, then great.
Then we'll get to know him and see what's really there,
leave the kids out of it.
But if he's not, and he continues to try to press
to be in your home, in your life, in your kids' lives,
or gets angry and just doesn't want to follow that boundary
or says that you're paranoid
or doesn't understand what's wrong with you
or blah, blah, blah, any of that,
then it's just an immediate no, okay?
We also think our relationship,
and we haven't had to define the relationship talk.
We've never said we're gonna be exclusive.
He deleted his dating profile.
So I don't know if he's just assuming
that we're in a relationship
and I don't know what to say to him to clear that up.
At the best, he's saying he's detachment.
I usually go with the flow and I always get guys
that want to lock me down right away.
So I struggle-
Gabriella, when's the last time
that you looked in the mirror?
You're hot, okay?
You're objectively hot.
So of course, he just hit the fricking motherlode, all right?
He just struck gold on a dating app.
Is that where you met him?
It's like, wow, wow.
And here's the thing, you guys, and here's the thing.
The thing is, is that this guy,
I don't know what he looks like.
I don't know what he's like.
I don't know what he's got going on in his life,
but let's just face it.
Anytime a man gets with a woman,
and guys, I'm not throwing you under the bus,
but it is true.
Men always want to be with a woman
that they think is kind of out of their league.
They really do.
And women usually want to be with a man
who has more safety or security or usually,
it goes like that.
Women aren't usually willing to date a guy
who makes less money than them
or is less secure or less established in life than they are.
Sometimes, but not usually.
And men aren't usually willing to date or marry a woman
who they don't think they've married up
as far as their attraction and the way she looks
and just who she is as a person.
They admire her.
They have to deeply admire, right?
And so that being said, this guy found you
and you're willing to go out with him
and he's trying to obviously rush forward
and create a much stronger bond with you
than can exist after just two dates.
Right?
Don't let him lock you down.
Do not allow him to make this or escalate this
into a level 10 relationship when it's only a level one.
All right?
We don't want that.
You are in the talking stage right now.
Also, do not allow this to escalate to physical places.
If you already have, then dial it back
because here's the thing, you guys,
that's going to make a situation like this real muddy.
Very confusing.
Very, very, very confusing.
You guys, this is why we tell you
not to get physically involved.
I'm not saying she is,
but don't get physically involved with someone.
Don't get romantic.
Don't be making out.
Don't be holding hands.
Don't be getting the butterflies
all flying in front of your eyes
and hiding what you need to see.
There's so many important, more important things
to feel than butterflies when you first meet someone.
All right?
That allowed discernment to work.
We want to feel safe, right?
We want to feel like they respect us and admire us
and respect our boundaries.
We want to feel like they are someone who is generous
and kind.
We want to see what their Christ lifestyle looks like.
We want to see all that stuff as we're getting to know them,
not through an interrogation.
And we can't do that if we're allowing our body
to sign off on them
because we're so physically attracted.
And that's what happens
when you let the physicality escalate farther up
than the emotional, mental, and spiritual connection.
Don't let the physical connection,
make sure they stay neck and neck, okay?
Even let the physical connection be kind of lagging behind.
Cool?
Good?
Will you?
I just had a call.
I just had a chat with someone the other day.
This happens so often to me.
They're basically telling me about a relationship
that now has turned into just a train wreck
and a dumpster fire.
And the very first question I always ask is,
are you having sex?
And I already know the answer is going to be yes,
because that's what happens
to a seemingly good potential relationship.
And then all of a sudden it just, whoo, takes a nosedive
because your relationship cannot handle
that level of physical contact.
It is going to cause lots and lots and lots of confusion.
It's going to cause a lot of bad things to start happening.
Don't do it.
Just don't do it.
I'm not doing that for sure.
Well, yeah, of course.
And you know that I'm no longer talking to you.
I'm talking to you, but I'm talking to everyone
and I'm not like talking to you, right?
And then Carrie, I think Carrie is the one that said,
hey, how do we navigate?
saying stuff about mental health.
You guys, we just don't, and Kerry, just so you know,
whatever it is that you said here,
you are not being singled out.
There were lots of comments
about different mental health diagnoses and things
after I mentioned the narcissism thing, okay?
So I don't want you to feel like
you're the person being singled out.
If you said something about mental health,
then of course I'm talking to you,
but I'm talking to everyone who is saying that.
Guys, we just don't want to say that kind of stuff
in a forum like this.
You have no idea what other people have been told
by therapists about themselves.
We don't want to make people feel bad.
We also want to understand that all of those things
that human beings have labeled other human beings with,
okay, through science and through social science,
specifically psychology science,
there's a greater truth of how we're made, right?
Of what makes us, spirit, soul, and body,
and they don't understand that over there.
They're still, you guys,
mental health is still in the dark ages, okay?
They're still shocking people.
They're still doing all kinds of crazy stuff.
I'm surprised they're not giving people lobotomies still.
Trust me, I have a brother who's diagnosed schizophrenic,
all right, and he doesn't have schizophrenia.
He has severe complex, complex traumatic trauma response.
I won't even want to say PTSD
because that's another diagnosis.
He has very complex, you know?
It's very obvious that that's what that is, okay?
So the bottom line is, is that he's broken.
Only Jesus can fix him.
That's true of everyone, but do people want,
do they want to be made whole?
Do they want that?
That's the question.
You can't be with people who are having all kinds
of dysregulation in their nervous system,
in their cognitive abilities, in their emotional,
you know, in their emotional space and all of that,
and they don't want to be healed
and made whole in those areas.
We can't have that, okay?
All right, so we're here to do something
that goes beyond psychology, right?
That goes beyond it.
Now, that being said, if you believe
that you have some sort of mental disorder
or personality disorder and you're taking medication
for it or whatever, you know, you do you, boo.
You do whatever you need to do, you know,
until and unless, you know, there would be,
come some sort of breakthrough in another area,
I mean, in that area in another way, right?
So we're not here to tell you not to do whatever it is
that you feel led to do for that.
So this is why we don't get into these conversations
because there are so many thought processes here
and it just doesn't make for unity in our community, okay?
And what does community stand for?
Common unity, and our common unity is Christ Jesus.
And so that's what we're gonna build this community on.
All right, all right, I hope you had a great time tonight.
I hope you learned something.
I appreciate all of you being here.
We do have Supernatural Saturday on Saturday.
You guys, we're gonna have a special Mother's Day situation
on activation, Sunday activation.
It's going to be the Mother's Blessing.
If you have any mommy wounds at all
or maybe your mother's passed away, you know,
you're gonna definitely wanna be there, men and women,
because that will be a really powerful time
of activating and healing from anything
that's holding you back from the area of mother, okay?
From the area of you receiving the nurturing from heaven,
you know, of mother, right?
And healing any mommy wounds that might be keeping you
from seeing yourself the way you should, all right?
Good stuff, see you soon.