Welcome back to the outnumber podcast with Joey and Allie where we talk about our life our life with kids our jobs our
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This is episode number four and today we're talking about five things that we wish we would have known before we had kids
Yeah, so I get vice for
First-time parents, let's do it
So
I remember when we were when you were pregnant with miles and
There's one piece of advice
That we got a lot. I feel like it probably wasn't the only piece of advice
But it feels like it was the only piece of advice looking back
Yeah, which was it was like some form of oh sleep all you can. Yes the ominous warning
That you'll never sleep again. Yeah, once you have a baby like over and over over so I felt like I I don't know
I remember being frustrated
By it. Um, yeah, because I remember thinking like isn't this supposed to be a good thing and you're like, well I was excited
Yeah, thanks. Well, yeah, I don't know and it's funny
yeah, because I feel like that was the only thing that people ever wanted to tell you like
oh, you're having your first and they might have started with like congrats and then it was
Sleep while you can or the my favorite was store up on sleep while you can like that works
I don't think that's how I don't think that is how it works
You can like put it in the sleep bank and then yeah, I don't think so. I don't think so
So but that yeah, that's what everyone said and I actually remember
Vividly like and this would have been like six years ago
But when I was in the air force and international garden
We had a big weekend drill weekend and we were being inspected by like big pentagon air force
and so they had a bunch of
inspectors in our whole unit and then they like a person attached to each one of our
Shops and so there's this guy who's like following us around all weekend like
Evaluating us inspecting us. Um, and at the end of the weekend
Me my supervisor and then this inspector guy. We're just chatting
We're done with it all and so we were just kind of talking and you're pregnant with miles. And so my supervisor told
This inspector guy that I was kind of expecting
normal
Response from people congrats. You're never gonna sleep again, but he had I nobody else
He had the most unique and I even know this guy and he was kind of this quiet guy
He just said he's like that's awesome. You guys are gonna do great people have been having kids for a long time
And everyone else has figured it out and you'll figure it out. I remember thinking like oh man, that was really cool
Like it was positive and really relaxed and then I was like that's a great point
Like people have been having kids for a really long time
Yeah, and if they can figure it out
We can figure it out and if they're surviving on little sleep then so can we so I don't know it was nice
But yeah, well, I feel like it's easy to like especially when you're in the midst of it
It's easy to feel like the negative parts like outweigh. Oh, yeah
Totally, but I think too like it's just a reminder to like current parents to like be intentional
and not share all your
heavy
yes, frustrating parenting things because
With people with people who haven't had kids yet
Like that's not the place to like vent because I definitely learned from that experience
And so when I encounter first-time parents, like i'm always super positive. Yeah, that's great. You'll do fine. Yeah, it's awesome
Yeah, because it's a good thing. We want to encourage people and you know, I firmly believe that as believers
We should be right having kids and discourage them. All right
Well, let's get into our we got five things that we wish other than the sleep thing people would have told us
Before we had kids and so number one, would you want to start with the sleep one?
Since we're already talking about sleep. Sure. All right. I thought we were already doing number one. Go ahead
All right. Yes
Um what the sleep is you say it you have the notes. Well, you you it was your line though
You said sleep is not linear. Oh linear. Yeah
I think people just assume like oh are they sleeping through the night like as if you like arrive and then like you're there
and I just think like
Someone asked we've never like arrived and then like stayed there. Yeah, like ezra was sleeping through the night
He slept through the night two times. Uh, I don't know two months in
Never again. Yeah, didn't someone ask you that at like home depot the other day?
Yeah, and then they're like, oh my babe. My daughter slept through the night at three weeks old
and congratulations
But I also doubt it but no I like so it's not like so
Yeah, it's never like you get to a point and then they just sleep through the night forever
Yeah, like think about adults like do you sleep the exact same way every single night, right? Probably not. Yeah
Like there's a lot of factors. No, we don't there's a lot of factors
But yeah, I just think like to
I think it's I don't know. It's almost like shaming and that like if your kid isn't
Then sleeping through the night by you know, whatever
And some babies maybe do like start sleeping through the night and it's like consistent, but I just feel like in general
It's probably not. Yeah, the way I always describe it is like it feels like it's phases or seasons
Um, and, and what I was telling people, yeah,
even the good ones are the bad ones. Like just when you think like, Oh,
my two year old goes to sleep so easily and sleeps all night.
Then it's like a month later they don't do that anymore. Right.
And so that's what I said. But what I always say is like,
it's temporary and they will go back to sleep.
Yeah. It's just like a constant like this. Yeah.
And there's times where it's like, man, they're sleeping great.
Or they're going even like going to sleep easily.
Like they fall in the sleep right away.
And now currently we're in a season with our two year old where like he's
fighting naps and bedtime.
And before that our now five year old, he was probably four more.
So at the time we sat in his room every single night.
But like now he's really easy. He sleeps great and like he'll sleep in if he's
up late and like he's doing great.
And then now we're in a rough patch with the two year old.
But like I was trying to remind myself that's temporary and we'll get back to
him sleeping well again. So yeah, I think that's good.
I think it just takes pressure off. Like if I think like, Oh,
my baby is supposed to be sleeping through the night. Why isn't he like,
that's just stressful.
And it's not necessary because every baby's different.
Like every routine is different. The way that, you know,
they say like do a bedtime routine, like everybody's is different.
I just feel like there's so many variables that I don't know,
play in and there's no reason to like stress or put pressure on yourself.
Cause just makes it more stressful.
Exactly. So yeah. On top of,
I think the better piece of advice to give about sleep is just a reminder that
there will be, there will be great times where everyone's sleeping awesome.
And we've got a lot of those.
And I would say of the five and a half years that we've been parents and had
kids sleeping in our house, I would say most of the time we sleep pretty good.
Yeah. Well I would say too,
like you got to do what works in that in the sleep category. I know,
but I'll get there. That's the next one.
Like in the sleep category though, like do what works.
Don't like feel like you have to do something a certain way because everyone
else says you have to do it that way. Yeah.
Like if something works and it works, then do it. You know,
it doesn't have to look like how everyone else says it needs to look.
There was a season where we sat in the bedroom with our four year old until he
fell asleep. Yes. And it was, it was a season.
And it probably felt really long in the time that we don't do that anymore.
And now he goes to sleep great on his own and we got past it.
But in the C in that time it was like, well, if we don't do this,
it's just going to be a battle.
And he's going to get out of bed 18 times and we're already frustrated.
And so, um, yeah. And I don't know that,
but then everyone will have an opinion about, Oh,
you should not do that or you should, but it's like, well,
it's like this is what's going to get him to sleep and
instincts and do what you think is.
And cause during that season, the two year old went to bed. Great. Yeah.
And so like I could just put him in his crib, he'd fall asleep on his own,
go sit with miles till he fell asleep. And so like that, and now it's reversed.
And so that's why it's just, that's the perspective thing. I think with that,
with the sleep advice, it's like, yeah, you know, sometimes it's great.
Sometimes it's rough, but the rough won't last forever.
The great won't last forever either, but that's okay.
You have to be willing to adjust and yeah.
Yeah. So that's the better piece of advice as opposed to you'll never sleep
again, which is what we most often heard. Yeah. All right. Good with number one.
Yeah. All right. So you hit, hit on number two a little bit, but, um,
I like the way you put it would just do it, do what works best for you.
Don't feel pressure. Right. Is that what you mean?
Don't feel the pressure to do things.
Yeah. There's all these like society pressures where other people, I feel like,
or, you know, like, Oh, don't do this or do that. Or.
You can't do this with your kid cause you'll mess them up.
You'll mess them up. You know, if they nurse to sleep,
then that's the only way they'll ever be able to sleep. I'm like,
I don't think one, I don't really think I care because it's easier,
but two, I don't know. I just don't feel like I'm worried about it.
Like they're going to turn out, they're going to be okay.
And I think if then I adopt everybody else's or the other everybody else's
example you had was like a crying baby. If you want to pick up your cry,
what did you say? Pick up your crying baby, pick up your crying baby.
Like I think we have instincts in us that make us feel bad that our baby's
crying. So like, I think for me, I want to go pick up my baby.
Like I feel bad if they're crying,
I'm not going to like sit there and let them cry because I feel bad.
And obviously that's like a super controversial thing,
but I'm just saying for me, I don't want it. We tried it and it was awful.
It was terrible, miserable for like three days. And yeah,
it worked after three days. Yeah. But then I just felt like,
even with miles, like we did like a gentle cry it out thing.
And I think there's so desperate.
I remember going downstairs and I couldn't. No, it was torture.
I remember being so irritated. But I think like with that,
I felt this pressure of like,
he still wants to nurse all night and he's tired and he wakes up a million times
a night and doesn't sleep in his crib for naps.
And so it was like this pressure of like, well, he should be. When in reality,
he was the only kid like I could.
done whatever and it didn't really matter.
I think it was more so for me. I just needed a break. But, uh, I don't know.
I just think like to do that, we did that. And then it was like, I don't know.
I just felt then like, I couldn't even go in there. Like if he was like sick,
I felt like I had to be so careful or I was going to screw it up because that's
kind of what everyone says. Like if you, you know,
show him that you're going to pick him up and take him out of this crib when
he's crying, then he's always going to do that. Like, yeah, but he needs me.
So like there's a line, but I just think for me,
it was like I was trying to like almost like please other people,
which is stupid because it's my kid in my life.
Yeah. Or I think especially as a first time parent,
you do hear things like that and you don't know any different because it's your
first time. And so if you hear an absolute statement like that,
you can't do this thing or this will happen. Then you're,
I would say you have a tendency to believe that as a first time parent.
You're really, you're making it up as you go. You don't know, you know,
you're figuring it out as you go. And so I think parents who do that,
you're trying, you just want to do what's best for your kid.
Like this is what we all want to do. But at the same time, it was like,
you got to do like what's good for us in some ways, you know, where it's like,
if nobody's sleeping, then okay,
we got to figure something else out so that we can all get some sleep.
Yeah. Well, and there's a level of like,
like with Ezra our five month old, six month old,
there are times when he kind of is fussing or protesting in his little bouncer
chair and I am doing something else and I can't tend to him at the moment,
but I know he's not like screaming. He's not so upset.
He's just kind of working through it. So there are times, yeah,
he'll fall asleep and I let him do that. Sometimes I still feel bad,
but like he will fall asleep and he'll be fine. But there's a level,
I think of like, yeah, just at the point where I'm like, okay, they need me.
So do what works for you. Do some research too.
And get multiple opinions is what I would say.
Cause like if you talk to enough moms, you'll find research. Yeah.
But even if you just talk to people you know,
you'll find enough moms that did something.
They'll all have 13 different ways. Yeah. Opinions.
Sure. But then you can kind of even mold like what you like from each thing into
your own method. It doesn't have to be like, oh,
there's a book about this and so I'm going to follow it to a T.
Like it doesn't have to be that way.
Yeah, that's good. All right. Less is more. Third piece of advice.
Yeah. Less is more. You want to talk about that? Yeah. I think, I will.
I think to start, I'm just thinking like, oh, everyone's always like, oh,
babies are so expensive. Yeah. Babies are not expensive.
Babies literally want milk and probably a clean diaper and their mom.
That's about it.
And like our babies will literally just put them in pajamas.
All the time. Ezra is still only wears pajamas like three days in a row.
I like bought him cute clothes.
Four different pajamas that we cycle through.
I bought him cute clothes and I thought like, oh,
this will be so fun to dress him in. That sounds bad.
He puts probably more than four. He wears clean clothes.
We also do laundry all the time.
But no, I was going to bring that up too.
Cause you do hear that a lot from people.
As if it's the baby's fault. We can't afford a kid. Yeah. But, um, yeah.
I mean, if you're going to buy every fancy baby gadget out there,
then you're right. You can't afford kids,
but you really don't need the most expensive car seat.
You don't need the newest stroller model. Right.
And there are things like, I think we've learned,
like there are things we'd be willing to like more so splurge on than not.
I mean, I think you want to save car seat.
It doesn't have to be like the trendy car seat, but what did you research recently?
Like actually sometimes the trendy, most popular car seats, not the safest.
One of the most trendy ones is currently not real great on the safety list.
So, um, but it's the one like everyone has, it's expensive. It is expensive.
So I think like just doing your research,
but being willing to splurge on certain things. Yeah. Safety's important.
Yeah. Safety obviously is important, but like your kid doesn't need, you know,
super expensive.
I feel like there's certain brands right now for clothes that are like so
expensive and they like one of them. Yes. Um,
I just mean like $40 for a pair of pajamas for a baby, but like it's popular.
Yeah. For a baby. But Ezra had them and cause someone gifted them to us.
And they literally were so pilly and like, well,
and then he is expanding rapidly.
I don't even say growing. He's like expanding. Um,
I think my splurge is like, I would prefer like cotton clothes.
Like I would not that I'm going to spend a ton of money on it.
I honestly thrift like the majority of our kids clothes because they trash them
in like two seconds. But, um,
I think cotton for me is like something I'd be willing to like splurge a little
bit more on versus like, you know, polyester and stuff like a safe car seat.
And then like clean diapers,
like a clean brand without all the extra nasty ingredients.
But.
Other than that, which aren't even that much more expensive anymore.
No, I don't feel like they are affordable. Like Walmart has good diaper options.
Yeah. It's usually where I get them. So I don't know.
But I think also with the less is more thing other than money,
like also just your house.
Yes. You don't want your house to be overtaken.
That's something we realized really early on with Miles was like,
there's no room. And we had a small house at the time.
Cause we have three different things to put them in.
We probably don't need that. Especially with one kid,
you can just pop them on the couch before they're rolling.
You can pop them anywhere. They don't move.
Well, I think it's good to, to just like lay your baby on the floor.
Like they think that's good for them. They, I want to say,
they say baby container,
things like that aren't actually super great for development,
but maybe that's just for a mistake of clutter. Like, yeah, for sure.
And you don't need every new baby thing. Right. Yeah.
Well, I think too, like, I think for us,
obviously when you're having your first, like you have no clue what you'll,
you'll use or what you need. So I think like everything on your registry,
cause like you assume that, yeah. Yeah.
Which is hard because obviously if someone's willing to buy it for you and you
think you might use it, like that would be the best advice for parents to know.
Cause you don't know what you think you'll want or need.
And I think like very minimal without all the extra, like,
I'm trying to think of some examples. Like I think a good bouncer,
like the little seat thing that they like lay down and, you know,
I think that's good. Um,
I think I would consider a swing in the future, but other than that,
like a car seat, obviously a high chair eventually,
but eventually like you don't need everything at once,
but if someone's willing to buy it for you, like have them buy it for you,
your kid's not going to be in a high chair for a while,
probably six months ish. So anyway, I don't know.
But really if you think about it, like a car seat,
if you're going to go places obviously, but otherwise like clothes kind of,
they don't really, I mean a blanket would, would work for a while. Um,
diapers, wipes, and then like some sort of food source, like milk.
They need milk. Yes. Um, yeah. So I don't know.
I just feel like kids are not expensive in themselves.
Because it kind of releases a parent from thinking that they have to buy
everything.
Yeah. Your baby's not going to notice or care. That's true.
So yeah.
Put it in their college fund instead.
They have the essentials and they're good. Yeah. Yeah. Um,
so then I like the next one because everything we've talked about so far is
post birth stuff, right? Like parenting or kid advice for when the kids are,
but I've, and that's mostly when you have conversations with people. Um,
like when you're pregnant with your first kid,
I think most of the time that's what people are focused on.
Like, and that makes sense. Haven't been,
but the part that you don't often get advice about probably cause people feel
weird talking about it, but it's birth.
And so I think one thing you would really say is like, man,
when you're pregnant with your first,
like spend time focusing and preparing and researching birth itself.
Right.
It has to start with research. Like I don't, I don't think I had any clue.
What birth would you be like? No.
My midwife said get diapers and I was like, for you, for me.
And I was like, ha funny. She was like, no, I'm serious. Like what?
Like you need to know what to expect so that you can prepare,
but like do some research into like, what is it like? And then like,
what kind of things do you need?
But also just like finding and lining up support,
like whether it be like meals that you prep in the freezer or like,
you know, coordinate with someone to like set you a meal train up or whatever.
I just think like, that's the part that's like super missed and
super necessary.
Yeah. I remember being in our appointments with our midwife.
Our what? Appointments? Appointments with our midwife the first time.
And we would be there for our, and we just had so many questions or she,
we didn't even know what to ask. So she would like,
have you thought about this? And we're like, no.
Cause there's a lot of just like once the baby's born right away,
there's a lot of decisions that you,
like a lot of questions that you have to have answers to.
Do you want the vitamin K shot for your kid? Do you want the eye ointment?
Do you like, if it's a boy, do you want to circumcise?
Like there's a lot of decisions that you have to make in the first couple of
days that you wouldn't think about. Yeah. That's good to have.
Like if you have a prepared answer for that, that's great.
Cause you're not gonna want to have to figure it out with the newborn.
You know, like you want to enjoy those moments.
And so I'm being as prepared as possible.
Like I think it's good to decide what car seat you want to have.
Like that's good too. But also man, it's like before you get to all that,
there's some decisions that you have to make pretty early on with a,
with a baby and you want to be prepared to know.
And that's why I think our experience with our midwife is great.
Cause she asked us those questions beforehand.
So before we were holding the baby, so we could,
could decide what we wanted to do, yeah.
I think, too, like food, having food prepared.
Like, that's something you think, like,
I don't know that you would really think about it
until you're, like, hungry after.
But I think having food just coming through,
and ideally, like, nutrient-dense things
that are gonna help you replenish,
like, that is so nice, to have meals.
Even if you don't wanna socialize
and you just ask them to drop it on the porch,
like, for a meal train, like, that, I feel like, is huge.
Oh, yeah, that's necessary. So huge.
And I think, like you said, though,
I think it's okay to be a little specific
about what kind of food you want.
You remember the first time,
I don't think we were necessarily specific,
and someone brought us the biggest lasagna I've ever seen.
It was 15 pounds.
Like, it was, and she was, like, Italian.
It was so good, but I think I put it in the freezer.
Yeah, you did, like, half of it.
I was bringing it to lunch
for, like, the rest of the school year.
But, because it was thick, too.
Yeah, it was, like, 15 pounds, seriously.
Which is great, but it's, like,
I don't wanna eat this forever.
Yeah.
So, like, and I think, well, and talk about that,
because on the postpartum part of things,
like, you've learned recently that there's specific things
that you should and shouldn't be eating
for healing your body, right?
Well, that's something that I feel like nobody talks about.
Talk about it.
Even, no, I'm about to, but even.
Even in, like, the midwife realm,
like, I don't feel like,
I feel like they do a really good job
of, like, instructing you on how to, like, heal
and, like, rest really well,
like, staying in bed for two weeks.
Yeah, what's the rule there?
It's five days in bed, five days on bed,
and five days near your bed.
Right, after birth.
Yeah, because you're just gonna set yourself up
for much better healing, which there's actually,
I don't know if it's statistics or what,
but there's this book that I was reading
that says that if you commit to healing
and nourishing your body for the first 40 days after birth,
like, you're setting up your health and healing
for, like, the rest of your life
if you, like, really nurture yourself in that season.
But it also plays into, like, depression and anxiety,
like, postpartum.
Postpartum, yeah.
If you're intentional right after, you mean?
Yeah, like, really just focus on replenishing, resting.
Like, your body needs rest.
Yeah.
And I remember it being hard with our first,
but then after that, it was like,
please let me stay here for a long time.
I don't wanna get out of bed.
But I don't think you knew that 5-5-5 rule with Miles, right?
I knew I was supposed to stay in bed for, like, two weeks.
Oh, you didn't?
No, I didn't, because I was just antsy.
Versus, like, the second and third,
it was like, I knew there were responsibilities
and people that needed me downstairs.
I think I didn't know that with Miles,
that you were supposed to stay.
And then I did with the second two,
so I would be more intentional about, like,
making you get back in bed.
I mean, especially the most recent one, I was like.
I think I just didn't realize, too,
like, how important it was.
I thought, like, oh, I feel fine.
And it was easier, like, with Miles,
was born in our first house,
and our bedroom and the kitchen were on the same floor,
which was nice, but in our current house,
bedroom's upstairs and the kitchen's downstairs.
It takes a lot more effort to get down there.
Right, so that's more effort on me.
And I just know, like, how,
because you had taught me a lot about how important
that right after birth time is healing,
and you just being in bed with the baby and bonding.
And so I would just, yeah, I felt like a waiter and a cook,
where I would just be like, what do you want to eat?
But it's fun, because, like,
people are bringing you food and stuff,
and so I would just, like,
just constantly bringing you up food
and letting you eat in bed.
So once I knew, like, why I was doing that,
because it's so important that you heal,
and not just for that moment,
but for, like you said, it helps with postpartum stuff
down the road.
Yeah, it's huge for the future, too.
Well, and then you think about, too,
if, like, you have multiple kids,
like, your first, if you don't replenish,
then you're behind, starting with your second one,
and then your second one, if you don't replenish,
then you're, again, behind.
And then, like, by the third,
like, I'm kind of feeling that,
in that I just feel like I'm so depleted,
and it's really just something that, like,
you have to just research on your own.
Like, nobody really is gonna tell you,
you know, what you have to do about it,
unless, I guess, you hire them to do that.
Like, in general, people aren't just going around going,
oh, for postpartum depletion, like, do this, you know?
Well, and talk about the types of food,
because then we're having to worry about, like, warm.
Oh, yeah, I was going there, and then I forgot.
Like, warm foods.
Yeah, there's a couple books that,
one that I read, and one that I didn't read,
but I would like to read,
but one is called The First 40 Days,
and it's specific about, like,
kind of more so other cultures,
and how they handle postpartum.
Like, the aunts, and the grandma, and the, you know, mom,
they all, like, literally come live with you for a while,
and they literally do everything,
so that you just stay in bed, like, make food,
and it's all these, like, ancient traditions
of, like, broths, and different stuff like that,
but it's, like, only warm.
And it's that 40-day thing, don't they do it for, like?
Yeah, they do it, like,
a celebration. They move in for like 40 days. Yeah and then like on the 40th day, I think this was
Chinese maybe, like a Chinese kind of tradition. On the 40th day they do like a ceremony,
like it's just like a whole thing and here it's like we don't do that. Yeah. But it's also like
you're not eating salads, like you're not eating cold food, like you're not drinking cold drinks.
It was basically like don't even drink cold water, like drink tea to get your, like obviously like
not caffeinated. It's warm because if you're eating cold, your body's working super hard to
warm it up to then digest it. Like if you're eating warm food, it's easier to digest. It
takes your body less effort because if your body's trying to heal but you're eating cold food,
then it's having to take away from the healing to like process and digest it better versus
because your body is already warm. Healing, replenishing and also feeding. Yeah, doing a
lot of things. So if you give yourself warm food, it's, I guess, easier to heal. And just like
resting and recovery, right? Because your body just did a lot of hard work. Yeah, for sure. So
anyway, just interesting. But then there's one called the postpartum depletion, I think that
I would like to read, but just more specific about like what you're then lacking afterward and how to
generally replenish. Because yeah, that's just something that is a huge issue and nobody really
knows the answer, it seems like. Well, it's interesting. And I've heard of couples recently
having their first and they'll say things like, you know, we don't want anybody to come over
for like a month. And I'm always in the back of my mind like, I think you might change your
mind on that. Yeah, I think so. And if that's where you're at, do it. But that's just so
interesting what you said. That's so opposite of what other people do, other cultures do. It's like,
no, we realize this is a big thing and you need support. And I understand why someone would say
that, like you just want time alone with your baby and you want to recover. And I think we also
just kind of in our society often don't want people to see the difficult or messy or ugly
parts of things. There's a lot of cultures that live like multi-generationally. And then here we
are and we're like, we have our own house, our own cars, like give me my space. So that's kind of
like our culture. But I think like it would do us a lot of good to like, and very intentionally,
don't just invite someone in that just wants to hold your baby. Like, it's great for them to hold
your baby, but like, obviously there's so many more things that need tended to like dishes or
to vacuum the house or to, I don't know, feed you food. I think those things, if we could start as
a culture, like start to offer to do those things and you can hold the baby. But like, if that's,
if the mom's cool with it. And the meal train thing is something that happens and that's great.
That's super important as well. And yeah, that's like one of my favorite things.
A lot of times, like for me, I feel hesitant, like offering to do stuff like that because I
don't want to step on, I don't want them to feel like, oh, I guess you can come do that if they
don't want me to do that. So I think like, one, I need to probably just get over that. But two,
I think it would just be important for like me to be like, mom, could you do this specifically?
Could you like to your mom do this specifically? Could that like be your job?
Because they're always willing to help, at least in our case.
Sometimes people don't know.
But they don't know how and also don't know like what's the best or the most helpful.
So that's a great piece of advice right there for like telling a new mom, like be specific about,
because you're going to have people, hopefully, you know, if you have a good support system,
like hopefully, and if you don't, that's a bigger problem. But like, if you do have people like
they're going to, there's people who are going to want to help. And so be specific, like,
I don't need a meal today. I really just need someone to put a load of laundry in.
Yeah. Do some laundry or clean or do the dishes.
I think most people, most people will be willing to do whatever if it means they can come over and
see your baby. It's like, hey, come put some laundry and then you can hold the baby. That's
why people do meal training. I'm going to bring you a meal so I can see your baby.
Kind of. Yeah.
It's great. And it's definitely the more exciting part. But I think too,
like if you don't need another lasagna, then be specific about what you need, you know?
And it was like, actually, I don't need, we're good. We got a lot of food in the fridge right
now. People have been generous, but there's something else. And you've even done that too,
where it's like before birth, you'll like, you'll make meals and put them in the freezer.
I try. Our second, I had your mom do it because she loves making meals. So I asked her,
I paid her for all the ingredients. And I just asked her if she would like prep a bunch of
meals. So she literally probably put like 15 meals in our freezer over a couple months,
which was massive. That's awesome too,
because the meal train will die down after a few weeks.
And then I remember being postpartum being so hungry, but like having two kids and trying to
manage that and literally being able to just like pull lunch out of the freezer. But yeah,
I think being specific with what you need help with, but also just digging in and researching,
I can't remember what point we're on, but just digging in a little bit and doing some research
on like what the best ways are to support yourself or to prepare for, to support yourself.
you know, having like certain, like maybe certain tinctures to like replenish or
just kind of and ask around to like research and ask around like just to get
a better idea of like what are you gonna need and what's gonna be the most
helpful. So I think this this is a big one but I think we kind of talked about
twofold right so doing research and thinking through the mom what she needs
postpartum right but then also the baby like decisions for the baby like yeah
you and your spouse should have a conversation about vaccines before the
baby's born. You should have a conversation about breastfeeding before the
baby's born. You should have and do you know research and talk to other moms and
right even like have a like lactation consultant like that you know of like
find one seek one out that's good like if you need help because I think so
often breastfeeding like well I think like so often like you get to a point
and you're like okay I need help like you're stressing because your baby maybe
isn't gaining weight or whatever and it's like you're so stressed and you're
postpartum like that's not the time to like seek out someone to help you. I mean
obviously do it. Like do it if you need it but I just mean it would be so it would take so
much off of you in that situation if you already had someone you're like oh I
know I can call this person because I need help. And we yeah like our doula was
is also a lactation. Well not technically but yeah I would trust her just
the same. Because like she we already had some appointments with her scheduled
post birth and then yeah like you did have some struggles with miles
breastfeeding right and so. Well not nothing like crazy it was just like the
first two weeks are kind of not fun. We'll talk about that a little bit because I don't know how people realize that. But I think that's yeah I
would say the first two weeks are like for me at least are always like this is
awful but after that it's like worth it for sure it's just so much easier. But
talk about that and how it was nice having because you did ask her some
questions and oh yeah maybe she didn't come over yeah but yeah just I don't
know having someone that like is knowledgeable in that that I don't know
if you have questions or concerns or if something. I mean that was something I
didn't expect I didn't yeah I just figured like breastfeeding is just I
don't know. That's what everyone thinks I think it's just natural you just do it.
Like it was painful wasn't it? Yeah I mean it's not something you typically do.
Right so especially the first kid it's like man. Yeah well even the second I
think actually was worse. Really? Yeah but third was a breeze so I don't know
what that's about. But like I mean it's important to have someone too if you're
having trouble because you don't like a tongue tie or a lip tie and not to say
they couldn't do it well. Yeah that was something I didn't realize. I remember with
Miles like she came over and helped you with that. I remember that because I was
watching the Rockies in the playoffs. That's the last time they've been in the
playoffs. But that's yeah and I remember like I that was something that and I was
like I don't know how to help you with that you know it would be a struggle and
you don't know it'd be a struggle. So thinking okay if I have a question whom
I gotta call. Yeah who are you gonna call? Like be prepared would just I think take some stress off just
knowing that even if you wanted them to come over before you're having trouble
you know just to be prepared. Wouldn't you say that that's unfortunately a big gap in too
many moms don't have that specific breastfeeding support and then they give
up? I mean I would think so I don't know I mean there's times obviously where
there's different things going on at play but I would think yeah a lot of it
probably has to do with support. I don't know I think it's worth it if you can
just figure it out and push through and obviously that's not gonna work in every
single circumstance but I think a lot of them could. Yeah and it just make your
life a lot easier in the long term. A lot cheaper and a lot easier. Sometimes you
end up with a really fat baby though. I don't know I don't know what's up with
that. Ours are all really fat. Well this newest one is kind of brat back. Someone said he looked thinner. We both went to the
chiropractor yesterday and both of our lower backs were like messed up. Yeah. From
carrying that kid around. Yeah someone said he looked thinner so. Really? That's good.
Progress. Okay. He's about to start moving he'll thin out real quick. Alright well
that was a good one. That was a lot. Anything else on that one? I don't think so. That's a lot to
think through but it's important I think and will help you out. Yeah and not to
like stress over it like don't stress that you're not prepared in all those
areas. I think it's just you know. Because you can't fully. No you can't fully prepare and or even
foresee like any issues but I think just the point is is just having people to
support you. I think just knowing what to because a lot of times I just don't even know
what to think about the first time. I remember so many times with our first
pregnancy just being like. Right. I haven't even thought about that. But I think for us like
obviously everybody has their own path but like to have a midwife was huge.
Yeah that level of care is different. Because we had an hour every appointment to just talk with her and honestly like the
medical-y parts of the appointment were like so small. It was like five minutes
and then the rest of it was just like talking.
She would have certain points each appointment to bring up with us and would just answer
questions and ask us about things.
Because we went the home birth route, but even if you go a hospital route, could you
still do something like that?
I don't know.
To have a doula probably would be helpful in that regard.
Just to have someone that's willing to spend a lot more time talking with you and helping
you think about things.
Because doula appointments are the same way.
Yeah.
She'd come over for like an hour and a half.
Very similar.
Yeah.
So I would definitely recommend having a doula regardless.
I remember when we were pregnant with Mal, some of our friends were pregnant with their
first in their hospital.
And I just remember we were comparing the length of our appointments.
And there were just a lot of things that our midwife had told you, like, you need to be
drinking this much water, you need to be eating this much protein.
And she was like, oh, I didn't know that.
But it's for a purpose.
It helps avoid issues.
Right, right, right.
Anyway, that's another topic, I think.
Sure.
Okay.
Last one is just a piece of advice would be thinking through expectations for each other.
Right.
Would you say like for the.
Yeah, I think expectation.
I think we would say expectations in like marriage, parenthood, all the things is like
expectations are everything.
But I think like thinking through before you have your baby, what are both of our roles
going to be?
Sure.
Like, is there something that I typically do that you're going to need to pick up the
slack on or, you know, whatever.
Like, if I typically am, I don't even know, like if I do the dishes or the dishwasher,
but like, I'm obviously not going to be able to do that for a while, you're going to need
to pick up the slack.
And obviously, you're going to look around and think, oh, I need to pick up the slack.
Right.
But also, I guess not everybody would naturally think that.
But I think just being clear with your expectations of like, maybe even the expectations are just,
I don't know what this is going to look like, but like, we're going to need to be able to
adjust and.
Flexible and communicate.
Yes.
Like that.
And we've said that before.
But that's the biggest thing with expectations is like communicate.
Yeah.
And I think I've told this story, but like when Miles was born, like you were in bed
with the baby.
And so I thought I was being like the best husband and father in the world by just like
doing all the dishes and doing all the laundry.
I can't see the dishes.
I don't care.
And then finally, we had this conversation where you were like, I don't care about the
dishes.
Like, just hang out with us.
And I was like, oh.
Yeah, I just felt like isolated, alone.
I was like, I'm doing all this for you.
And you're, yeah.
I can't even see them.
I'm in my room.
But like, and that was a huge, like light bulb moment that I've remembered since with
the births following, but even just like, like having a conversation and just don't
assume anything.
So like, like assume that, like, or have a conversation, are we both going to change
diapers?
Because I remember we were on a flight, I think we just had Miles at the time.
And I got up in the middle of the flight to go bring Miles to the bathroom.
I don't like flying and I will not stand up to change his diaper unless needed.
But there was this, there was a mom who, I don't think she said it to me.
I think she said it to-
She had like four kids with her, didn't she?
Yeah.
And she was like, my husband has never changed a diaper.
And her oldest, like she had a lot of kids.
And so I think, I don't know how often that's the thing, but I mean, I'd say we changed
the, we changed equal amounts of diapers probably.
And so, but maybe that's something that needs to be talked about ahead of time.
Like maybe, yikes.
Yeah.
And I don't know.
And I think I had a sister who was a lot younger than me, so I had changed diapers when I was
in high school and stuff.
But I don't know that's, I mean, I remember watching your brother didn't know how to,
when his kid was born, didn't know how to change.
Yeah.
Well, yeah, he was like standing there and he was like, isn't someone going to show me
how?
I was like, I didn't know.
That you didn't know how.
I didn't know you didn't know how.
Yeah.
So just even simple things like ahead of time being like, hey, are we, like, are you going
to help with the, like, we're going to both help with this.
I don't even know.
I mean, it's hard because you don't know all of the different things, but, so I guess the
biggest piece of advice with that is just like voice your expectations, like, hey, can
you help me with this?
Sometimes I'm not good at communicating because I don't want someone to feel burdened to help
me.
Like, I don't want you to feel burdened to change the diaper because whatever, like,
I want you to want to help me because you want to help me.
So I think like sometimes I need to be better about being like, hey, this is what I need
you to do.
Yeah.
I need you to hold the baby so I can take a shower.
Yes.
Right.
I need you to.
And obviously, like, if possible, like, it would be nice for you to like notice things
like that too and just be like, hey, I like, I would love to do this, but it's not always
going to be that way.
And you can't just like sit around waiting for them to ask because that's ridiculous.
Even though I feel like I do that sometimes because that's why I say that's probably a
woman thing.
Thing here in this area.
Just communicate.
Yeah.
But also for the dad to just like be aware that like this is a big change and like you
are a partner in this, like you need to be willing and like maybe she doesn't even ask
you to change the diaper, but you know, it needs to be done.
So just like get up and do it because that's going to be helpful.
And recently we traveled.
to Chicago for your brother's wedding and what did I say? I told you my favorite thing
is when you ask me to do something and I've already done it. And there was like the first
night in the hotel there was like three things that you were like, you asked me and I was
like, I've done them already.
But I think just being engaged and like for the dad to be engaged and aware. My uncle
used to always say others aware, like being aware of others and their needs and their
feelings rather than just thinking about you. So I think like that's huge just in
being supportive of just like being engaged, like changing the diaper before they need
to ask, before she needs to ask, you know, just like jumping up and doing it. I think
that goes a long way. Helps to not have resentment.
Yeah. Yeah. So as much as you can talk about that ahead of time, the better.
Yeah. Yeah. Even just like, this was just random, but like even thinking, I remember
always waking up with Miles our first, like in the middle of the night and feeling like
looking at you and just feeling resentful because you were like sleeping soundly. And
I, I don't know, I was woken up so many times, but I think like if we would have known like
that was normal, like I don't know what, what would you do if you were awake anyway? Like
it doesn't make sense. But if like there was that expectation of like, I take the nights,
like obviously if I need like help, you're going to jump in and help. But like the majority
of the time it's me and that's just how it is. But like if I would have just accepted
that and like been aware that that's how it is, I would have been less angry about it.
I feel like I was just so tired.
And then I would like, I've since figured out like, oh, our, yeah, you're, you're doing
the night shift, but then all, if he wakes up early, I'll get up with him, get him out
of the room, hang out with him so that you can get like two hours of uninterrupted sleep.
But then there's also times where like, we've had some times with him, probably more him
than any other kids where he's just been up all night or like super uncomfortable or something's
up. Like he needs to, I don't know if he's like, needs to burp and just can't like, whatever
it is. I think that too, it's like, it's not fair that I would have to do that by myself.
Right. Like, so we usually are up either together or yeah, we'll take turns. But I think, yeah,
like I think moms just need to not feel alone because it's a big thing. So support, support,
support. I don't know what number we're even on, but that was all of them. But I don't
remember what it was called. So expectations. It was number five. Perfect. We did it. So
I would say last thing, you don't know it all. You won't know it all. You'll figure
it out. But I think the overarching theme through all of these is just have a lot of
conversations with your spouse about, and it's going to be always changing. So constant
conversation. Yep. That's right. Roll, roll with it all. And you'll do great. Having kids
is awesome. Hopefully this wasn't like, well, this didn't scare anybody. It's not even scary.
I just mean like, but follow your instincts. Like, I don't know. I think it's just important
to like do what works for you. I think that was supposed to be the whole thing is, you
know, having kids is super fun, super rewarding. There are some really difficult moments and
nights and days, but overall, I wouldn't do it any other way. I feel like I'm learning
too. It's like, you can either let it, I think my mom used to always say this, like, let
motherhood or let parenthood make you better or make you bitter. And it's like this choice
that you have to make of like, am I going to let this make me resentful and like miserable?
And obviously there's days where like you feel miserable, but like overall, are you
going to be, are you going to let this like grow you and make you into a better person?
Because I think this is a whole nother thing. I've made a rabbit trail here, but I feel
like recently I've been thinking about how like parenthood is at the beginning when you
really don't know a whole lot. Like you're so new to life, really. Versus like later
on in life, you're like more wise, but it's almost like parenthood's at the beginning
to like form you into who you're supposed to be. Like that's when it's like, you don't
know everything you need to know, but like you need to figure it out and you need to
grow as a parent. That's good. So that that's how you probably become older and wiser. Totally.
Like a huge part of it. Oh yeah. I've learned a lot about myself since having kids and grown
and seen a lot of like our flaws come out that didn't come out prior to kids because
you weren't in those kinds of situations. So I think like you can let it make you into
a better person. That's great. So rely on each other, rely on the Holy Spirit, pray
a lot. I'll say I was, I was going to say with the sleep thing, pray a lot in the middle
of the night, the kids would go back to sleep and stuff. And that's convicting sometimes
because I'm like, man, I should be praying this much all the time. Cause I think, you
know what I mean? There's moments where it's like, just please go back to sleep. But yeah,
I mean, yeah. So praying with each other as, as spouses for your children, as a couple
for your children.
It's huge and praying about what kind of parents you want to be, even before you are, is awesome.
Great advice.
Cool.
Good job.
Hey, thanks.
You too.
Sweet.
Thanks for watching episode four of the Outnumbered podcast.
If you're expecting your first child, congratulations, and don't worry about the sleep thing.
It'll be great.
See you next time.
You're doing great.