Okay, everybody, welcome to our weekly check-in for Phase 2 Love Story Accelerator.
Renee Rizzo here.
It is my honor and privilege to get to walk with you through your love story.
How many folks are here for the first time?
Do we have any first times?
All right.
Okay.
All right, y'all.
Four of you are new.
Oh my gosh.
Y'all are about to get some excitement on.
Woo.
Okay.
So I have some new folks.
Let me just tell you a little bit about how check-ins look a little bit different if you're
used to doing check-ins with Bethany in HeartWork.
She will kind of do some teaching, and then I believe y'all go into breakout groups and
then kind of come back together.
You will stay together with me this whole time because I will do a little bit of teaching
and housekeeping in the first 20 to 30 minutes, and then I really open the floor for questions
for you guys to get live coaching.
This is your small group coaching time.
So unlike the HeartWork where you're processing some stuff more personally with one another,
this is like good old like, how do I do this?
What's going on with this?
And by listening to other people's questions, you're like, oh my gosh, I had the same question.
I was too afraid to ask that.
Or sometimes, y'all, we don't realize what we're doing in our own patterns till we hear
ourselves say it out loud, or we listen to that pattern in somebody else, and you're
like, oh crap, I do that.
Is that what that looks like?
And so there's something really powerful about sharing stories and being really honest, and
I have to say, I really am grateful that phase two, women get really vulnerable here.
I know they do in phase one too, but there could be a lot of pressure in phase two to
feel like, oh my gosh, everyone's out there dating, I'm behind, what's going on with me?
And the truth is, it's just all beautiful and messy and clunky all at the same time
for everybody, and I like to say that, you know, like there's the Instagram version of
our life story, and then there's weekly check-ins.
And so weekly check-ins, it's the one time it's not co-ed, y'all can look like crap like
me right now, and I was working out, and I just haven't made myself look more presentable
the rest of the day.
I threw on earrings for you guys and some lip gloss, and that's about the best I got
for you.
So I'm super excited.
So that's like the difference from phase one to phase two.
Remember there's a lot less homework and a lot less content in phase two, and that's
good because we want you to get out there in the real life.
So you have like five videos to be watching in the course of phase two.
There's that initial love story accelerator kind of kickoff that Jackie does.
And then there is Dating 101.
There is the Divine Feminine, which includes content about the divine masculine.
There is Online Dating, and then there is the Boundaries video.
I do the last two, and you watch them at your own pace.
We say watch them once a week.
They're about an hour long each.
Sometimes some of them might be even a little bit longer.
So that's a lot, and not everyone can watch it all in one sitting.
Some of you kind of vomit and watch all the videos all at once, and that's fine.
We still want you to stay here for a month.
So you're not going anywhere for a month, and the cool thing is you get to do a lot
of what everybody's doing in phase three, but you're doing it in a smaller environment.
So you get a lot more opportunity for small group coaching.
There's a lot less of you in the newsfeed, so we get to give you a lot more attention,
a lot more help.
There's less of you on this weekly call, so you get a lot more attention and a lot more
help as you come out of hiding.
And so all of the time that you were spending on homework, you're spending it kind of getting
back out there and doing things differently.
And so some of you are like, and I'm seeing both extremes.
So my housekeeping notes is based on what I'm seeing you guys put in the feed, and also
based on what I hear in the roll call.
And so I'm definitely seeing some extremes here, you guys, of everything from there's
no way in heck I'm getting out there dating, I'm just not ready, I've never dated, and
then they're, oh my gosh, I've dated a thousand people, and I already know what to do, and
I'm not going to do it the way that you're doing it.
And I'm like, fine, then don't do it the way we're suggesting it, and you're going to,
if you keep, you know what, you know what, insanity is, right?
Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.
So why not just try for shits and giggles, try something different in how you either
approach yourself or how you approach men and see what might come up and be willing
to be surprised and be willing to be made moldable and changeable and growth.
Because I bet you every single one of you wants a man who's willing to grow.
He's willing to grow in his spirituality, he's willing to grow in his health, and he's
wanting to grow in his ability to be a great marriage partner.
None of you want to pick a guy who's like,
I've got it all figured out and I got nothing new to learn. Nuh-uh. We don't want that
So we don't want we don't want that in the other men. We certainly don't want to have that in ourselves
We always want to have like I believe i'm done learning when I get to the other side of the veil
That's when i'm done learning until then. Uh, it says scripture says that we are constantly being transformed. We are being transformed
So and it says he who began a good work will in us will complete it until the day of christ
So the last I checked it's not the day of christ. So we're being made complete. We're not yet complete
So here all of this stuff in the news feed and everything
Just like just hear it with that kind of lens like oh, I don't like what they're saying
But let me just try it on just even if it's for five minutes
It may not be for me
But let me just try it on for like 10 minutes and see what that feels like to do that
So just to give you the summary of what's in all of the videos dating 101 talks about dating differently
Dating in levels it talks about just especially
Level one is this it's all of us chit chatting in a large group environment
I Jackie would argue even when you're texting online with a guy that's still level one
He's talking to you while he's probably talking to 25 other or other chicks
You're not even on a solo date with him until your first date
And that would be level two dating. It's that discovery dating. It is you're not vomiting your life story
You're not telling all your all your weaknesses. You're not talking about your exes
You're just not doing that, but you're just getting to know him and he's getting to know you
You're not making out in the back seat. No matter how hot he is
You're just not doing that yet. Like you're just getting to know him and he's just getting to know you
And then of course level three dating she talks about being that exclusive relationship
um, and then level four is engagement level five is
Um marriage and then in the divine masculine and feminine
She does a really great teaching a biblical teaching on what god really meant for women as the easer
to the men
And how it all fell apart in our relationship back in the garden
And how we've taken the tide from like where the patriarchy took over the the women
Then the women's liberation movement where we kind of toppled the men and now we're kind of in this gender fluid
We have no gender like
The enemy is just having a field day with it
And so she really talks about the seven positive traits of a divinely masculine man and a divinely
Feminine woman and also what those strengths look like when they get overused
I just did this teaching with the guys last night you guys
It's the first time we're actually taking the guys through all of these secondary teachings
They've been doing the heart work like y'all, but we've never taken them through phase two before
And so this is my second week working with them y'all they were taking notes
Furiously about what a divinely feminine woman should look like and then what a masculine man should look like
So if you don't think that men don't want to get better
I promise you they really do they were like all in it and I was super excited about that
And then of course online dating is a great dating video to do even if you never want to do online dating
It really helps you learn how to navigate when you first get to know a stranger how to get from texting
To a video date to a live date and then continuing to date that person
So even if you don't want to do online dating
There are great ways to meet people and if you have that question during the q a section feel free to ask me and i'll answer
How do you meet guys if you don't want to do online dating we can talk about that
And then of course the boundaries one i've been teaching about boundaries
For about 20 years y'all I was in full-time church ministry
I ran a non-profit for 20 years and now i'm a full-time executive coach for c suite
C suite leader. So that's part of my um gig here and I actually just started seminary in january. So doing that part-time
Crazy girl that I am
So you want to talk about like a date buster, you know
If you want to find out how men where are they're at with their faith
You tell them you're going to seminary and you find out really fast how fast they reach for the door that
You're like, oh, okay
So i've got lots of fun ways
You can talk about faith with men without bombarding them and I can answer that in the q a section as well
Okay, so here are some tidbits
Y'all here y'all with me. Um when we move to phase three, we don't
um
Let's see
We don't get to come to the love seats
Oh love seats with jackie is part of phase three. So, um, she does that
At least once a month. She has asked jackie and then she has the love seat
So love seats basically is this but for 120 people that show up
So that's what this is basically a version of love seats you guys just get to come here
Every week and kind of get it every single week
um, okay
Yeah, yes indy, I appreciate you girl. I appreciate you. Okay, so that's all the the homework. All right, so
here are some bullet points I have for you guys. Take notes, whatever. And also when we get to the
Q&A, I kind of run late on Tuesday nights. I stay on until the last person has a question.
I'm just going to ask you to be lean in your explanation. Sometimes y'all give me a dissertation,
war and peace. I don't need all that much information when you do your Q&A,
but I will always hold space for everybody. If you have to get off because it's too late for you,
get off. It's okay. You can watch this in replay later and get the rest of it later.
Okay. So my first tidbit for you is just do the next right thing. Just do the next right thing.
When I ran a nonprofit, our clients would be super overwhelmed when they had to think about
the 25 things that they needed to do before she had her baby. So we'd always say, just do the
next right thing. We're just going to help you do the next right thing and do the next right thing.
So that's what I want you to do here. I don't want you to worry. I don't want even you to be worried.
If you just got to phase two, I don't want you asking me questions about phase three. You got
a whole month. So just chill it on down. And I'm not saying that you're not ready to go to phase
three, but I'm saying you guys just do the next right thing. Okay. I also want you guys to do
an exercise with me. Grab your hands. If you're not driving, grab your hands. Okay. I want you
to squeeze the tar out of your hands. Squeeze them, squeeze them, squeeze them, squeeze them,
squeeze them, squeeze them. Okay. Now let them go. Did y'all feel the tension and the pressure
in your body when you were squeezing your hands? Right? Didn't it make your whole body tense?
And now when you hold your hands loosely, it's like, wow, you can actually breathe.
So that's the same way I'm seeing some of you already acting in phase two. Like, oh my gosh,
oh my gosh, where's the date? I've got to get date three today. I don't know about his faith,
but does he love Jesus? Does he want to have sex before marriage? Like where are the men?
Like, okay. Y'all are going to stress yourself out. You're going to get TMJ from like clenching
your teeth and you got to hold your hands loosely. The other analogy I want to give you this
is I saw a fitness guy say this on Instagram, and he was basically saying the reason why you
get an injury at the gym is when you're holding the weights too tightly when you're doing the
exercise, that there's a part of you that are supposed to hold the weights a little bit loosely
so that your muscles can kind of move with it. It's very similar to what you see when a bridge
is built to handle the movement of the water. It's the same thing with a tall building. A tall
building is built to handle the movement of the wind. In California, houses are built to be able
to move with an earthquake. And so those are all the analogies that I want you to think about when
you're starting to get too tense about any of this. You want to try to hold your hand loosely
on the outcomes. It really is all about the process and not the thing at the end of the day.
Okay. So in Love Story Accelerator, if you've not watched it, Jackie imposes a seven-date
goal. And some of you might be like, seven dates? I haven't had seven dates in seven years. You want
me to have seven dates in the next seven weeks? Like, how's that going to even happen? I don't
know. She just wants you to get outside your box, you guys. Video dates count. Seven dates with the
same person count. Texting does not count. A phone call really doesn't count. It's got to be a
video day or a live date. And we can talk about that. But you guys, again, there's no failure
here. She just wants you to get outside your comfort zone. And she wants you to get to know
different people. So we're not telling you that it has to be the same guy. And you guys, here's
the thing. Nobody's forcing you to be on a bad date. So if he's starting to act like a jerk,
end the date. If he's starting to be inappropriate, end the date. If he's just boring as all get out,
but he has enough qualities, you're like, God, on paper, he seems so good. But in front of me,
it's like watching paint dry. You might give him one more chance and say, dude,
what is it that you like to do? Like, if he wants to see you again, what is it that you like to do
that brings you so much fun and joy? Let him pick the next activity. And so you get to see him in
his best light. And then you give him that chance. And if it's still like watching paint dry,
then no, I'm not going to make you keep dating him. Of course not. Like that's not what we're
here after. You are only responsible for your part of your love story. So in your love story,
it's your choices and behaviors, his choices and behaviors, and God's part in it, right?
God gave us free will. So God can't force me to behave a certain way. And he can't force
a man to behave a certain way. How many of us can look back at relationships and honestly say,
yeah, I was the unhealthy one in that. And I really had some growing that I needed to do.
Is it just me? There's a few of us, right? So sometimes it is possible we were with a guy
that could have been a good marriage partner, but it was us and we hadn't worked through our stuff
yet. And so we were the unhealthy one. Okay. How many of us were in a good relationship where we
Like, golly, this felt really God ordained,
but his messy story, he couldn't get over his mess yet.
How many of us been there, right?
I've been there.
Am I the only one that has been there?
Where you're like, God, he was a really good guy.
So that's what happened.
So sometimes you have two good people,
but if one of the two of you isn't moving towards health,
then it may not work out.
That doesn't mean that God's not gonna redeem
your love story,
because he's not gonna be dependent.
And here's the thing, you guys,
believe it or not, this may give you some hope
or deflate all your Hallmark movies,
but there's not only one person out there for you.
On the planet with millions and millions
and millions of people,
God has a handful of men that are better for you
than other men.
And so he knows that you're gonna have some free will,
he's gonna have some free will,
and all of the things have to happen.
And so God is gonna make sure that if Bozo
didn't get his act together,
that he's gonna be working already
on the next guy ready for you.
So you don't have to worry about it.
If you're here in this program,
it's because you truly believe
that God placed a desire in your heart to get married.
And guess what?
I will believe that for you,
and I will believe that for me until my last breath.
And that's okay.
Like, even if it doesn't come to pass,
I'm gonna still keep that hope alive in me
for you and for all of us.
And so we are not gonna get discouraged by it.
Okay.
You are definitely not in a race with each other.
Some of you are coming in here with different love stories,
different paths.
Some of you feel completely ready to get out there.
Some of you don't feel ready at all.
So don't feel like you have to go at any pace
that's not your own.
If it took you a while to get here,
it might take you a little while to get the breakthrough.
So, I mean, again,
everybody comes in here with a different amount of pain,
suffering, hurt, brokenness.
And so you might see some people
get their love story faster than others.
Y'all, I don't have the answer to why.
Usually anytime a question to God starts with why,
we don't have a good answer.
I can hold space with you for that.
I can hold space with the discouragement
and the confusion that comes with that.
And I'll be happy to do that here for you
anytime that you want.
But I'm probably never gonna have a good answer to why.
In fact, I never know in scripture or in real life,
whenever somebody asks a why question of God,
I've never heard a good answer.
Why did my son die?
Why did that person get cancer?
Why this?
Those big why questions,
I don't think we get the answers to
on this side of the veil.
But we can hold space for one another.
Second bullet point, do it differently.
I kind of alluded to this earlier.
If you've already been on dozens and dozens of dates
and you're like, nope, this is just how I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna ask him in the first 48 hours
what his testimony is.
Does he speak in tongues?
Is he willing not to have sex with me?
And I don't know, all those other crazy defended role,
all those things that you've said he needs to have,
you're like, I'm not wasting my time.
I'm gonna ask that stuff right up front,
and let it be damned.
If he can't handle it, then he can't handle me.
That's fine.
Y'all can keep doing it that way,
but that got you here.
So we're just asking you to try to do it differently
and just trust the process.
If you have not dated at all,
I'm gonna just encourage you to just be willing to try
and do different things.
So here's some of my tidbits.
So if you are not ready to date at all,
here's some things that you can do
to start practicing being more feminine.
I want you to start ask for help.
If you can almost barely reach for something
and you see a guy nearby, ask him to get it for you.
I don't care if he's married.
I don't care how old he is.
I want you to start practicing asking for help.
So you don't always have to pick the cute guy.
I mean, definitely don't pick the creeper guy
or the homeless guy,
but anybody that looks safe and reasonable,
just say, oh my gosh, hey, can you reach this for me?
Can you open this door for me if your hands are full?
Can you get this for me?
You guys, I go to Planet Fitness now.
I purposely moved from the bougie boutique fitness studio
that I was going to, which only had women.
That wasn't gonna help,
to a cute little gym that has men and women.
And when I have to reach to hook my thing up
for the equipment,
I could stand on the seat and do it myself,
but I don't anymore.
I always ask for a guy to do it.
I'm practicing it.
Smile more.
Don't just walk into every room down on your phone.
Put your phone away and get used
to having to make eye contact.
Like actually walk into a Starbucks
without your phone in your hand.
Put it away and actually smile and greet people
and see what that's like to strike up a conversation.
Wear skirts, wear dresses, wear makeup,
wear heels, wear earrings.
Like be kind of flirty and fun.
You guys look at,
look at those cute little dangly,
they're making noise earrings.
And doesn't it just make my sweats and my hair pulled up
just a little bit cuter?
It does.
Go to new places to shop.
Take golf lessons.
Go to a sports bra, a sports bar, bra.
or during the middle of the day when the football,
the basketball game is on, the hockey game is on,
whatever sport is going on, baseball is going on right now.
Try to put yourself in a position
where you're gonna run into men.
Go to Home Depot.
Y'all, we all need something at Home Depot.
Go to Home Depot, talk to people there.
Just start talking to people.
Okay, this is one's really important, you guys.
And this is especially important
if you guys still have dreams in your life,
which I hope you do.
Live your best life now.
So you guys, and I'm being really transparent with you.
Some of you who've known me longer
have known that up until about a week ago,
I have been in a level three
heading towards marriage relationship
with a guy who on paper was everything that I wanted.
I was vetting him in front of my family and friends.
He was vetting me in front of his.
There were definite yellow flags.
And Jackie says, everybody has yellow flags.
You have yellow flags.
I have yellow flags.
The thing is, though, when you have two healthy people
who are moving towards God together and healthy together,
when you face those yellow flags,
when your yellow flags hit his,
old you wants to cut and run.
But healthy you in this program
is gonna kind of work through
and see if there can be growth and breakthrough.
It's that iron sharpening iron.
Iron sharpening iron, you guys, hurts.
There's friction.
It's hard.
And so when our ironing sharpening iron
yellow met yellow flags,
I was starting to get concerned
because what I did not see was a growing spirit.
And actually some of you keep asking about,
well, does he know Jesus?
And I just need to ask if he goes to church.
My guy was going to church twice a week.
He was in two men's groups.
He was in Bible study.
He volunteered Saturday morning,
setting up the chairs and he volunteered on security.
So on paper doing all of the things.
But what became really clear in that last month
was he has such a strong religious spirit.
He had so much harm in his past.
He determined that if he's just started
going to church again,
and he was just a good person doing all the good things,
then nothing bad was gonna happen.
He wouldn't be bad.
He wouldn't be on the receiving end of bad.
And so that put him in a very works based faith.
It's good or bad, right or wrong.
The world is black or white.
Y'all, I sit in grace.
I sit in mercy.
I sit in the gray.
And so I kept saying like,
baby, it's not about you being perfect.
Like this one little thing about you might need tweaking.
That's not cutting you off at the knees.
Like you are using level 10 words
for a level two moment right now.
But he just couldn't get the,
he just thought I'm going to pray my way,
earn my way into a perfect behavior, perfect relationship.
And so you guys,
what became really clear was his inability to grow.
Jackie always says,
you want someone who's willing to grow.
And so the Lord is so good, you guys,
I was starting to have second thoughts.
I was starting to, I'm like, okay,
is that my anxious attachment?
Is that this, you know, am I cutting and running?
Is it my old wounds?
Like I started doing all the things,
but I stayed in this community.
I even felt the pressure that, you know,
I'm one of the leaders.
If I break up, what are people going to think about me?
Right?
And so there was a lot of pressure I felt
for me to make this relationship work.
And so the Lord is so good.
I just stayed in it.
I prayed, I knew I was God defended
and I would make statements and I would let them lie.
I didn't run like I could have in the past.
And I also didn't beg for him
like I could have done in the past.
And here's what I also didn't use.
I didn't use sexuality to reel him back in.
And I knew, so one of the things I was very strict on,
and we were both supposedly on the same page about no sex
and really monitoring that behavior.
And I knew, old me knew,
if I used sexuality,
I could have just wooed him a little, right?
We could have just softened him,
tempered him out a little bit.
And I wasn't going to do that.
And I'm so, ladies, you and I are so God defended.
Three outside incidences in a row happened.
It's not my story to tell, but I was like, oh my gosh,
like only Holy Spirit can make these three moments happen
to confirm that what I was seeing and feeling
was in fact legitimate.
And my final conversation, again,
I still wanted to cut and run.
And Jackie was like, nope,
you're going to offer couples counseling.
I will meet with the two of you.
So she offered to meet with the two of us.
And I knew most controlling narcissistic type people
will not meet in couples counseling
because the jig is up, right?
And so I just said, hey, I think we're at an impasse.
And I think we can only move forward
with couples counseling.
Jackie has offered to do that for us.
I think we need to take her up on it.
But if you would rather do somebody local that you pick,
I'm open to that too.
And of course he really couldn't do that, you guys.
And I held my ground.
I kind of put that message out there and I.
It took him three days to respond.
We've never gone three days and not spoken to each other.
And it was just so clear when he replied back to me
that he's just not willing to own his stuff and work on it.
And so all that to say, you guys,
I did nothing wrong in the relationship.
I think he could have been my person.
There were so many prophetic signs
that put the two of us together
that like matched stuff that,
it was just, there's so much that put us together.
And I say all that to say to you guys,
I think I did everything the Lord asked me to do.
I think we had all the makings
of being a healthy, healed, whole couple together.
And at the end of the day, he still had his free will.
So I trust and believe that God
is going to work it out for good.
Does that suck just a little bit
that I'm back here single again?
Sure does.
But so I'm kind of pulling in the comment about
it's not always about you, but also living your best life.
So you might think, well, gosh, Renee,
you've been in this program and you're still single.
So here's what I can tell you has happened for me.
I went through a season after my dad died suddenly.
I processed that grief in a way
that I've never been able to.
It was a complicated relationship.
And through this community,
I received so much healing after the death of my dad.
I walked my mom through her second divorce at 80 years old
and I was able to be present for her.
I published a book and I started seminary school.
And oh, by the way, this year I've now,
in the last 12 months, I've lost 25 pounds.
So I would say I am quote unquote, living my best life.
And my guy is gonna be excited about the thinner Renee,
the seminary Renee, the Renee that's gonna stand her ground.
That's not gonna just marry a guy
just so I can say that I checked that off the list.
And you guys,
here's the other thing I will tell you.
It is so much easier to break up with somebody
when you've not had sex.
I've had sex before.
I'm not sitting here like innocent gal here.
And I will say I am far less devastated
because I did not hand my soul to him.
I would be having to do a much bigger
soul tie break with him right now.
And I can also say this, I am so sad about it
and I'm so disappointed,
but my trust in the Holy Spirit
and the peace that surpasses all understanding
is way bigger than anything else.
And I have learned so much from this relationship.
I actually call it a win.
I have dated unhealthy guys in the past, you guys.
I either ignored it and would stay for a year
or I would just become this other person
or I would cut and run.
And I didn't, in either case, I didn't cut and run
and I didn't stay miserable.
Like within three and a half months,
I figured it out and I was true to myself.
And I know what I learned in this relationship,
I will take with me in the next relationship.
The only thing I can say that I did not do well
is I started giving him way too much of my time.
Like he clearly was anxious attachment
and needed a lot of my time.
And I'm in school and I'm busy at church
and I am busy with this job with Jackie.
And he, like even four days a week was not enough time.
And I was starting to feel really guilty about that.
And I won't do that again.
If I start dating somebody again,
and you guys, your time is your time.
Do not get so absorbed in this relationship
that you lose your dreams, that you lose your friends,
that you lose your family.
We're all too old for that.
We know better.
We don't ditch everything else in our life
when we finally start dating somebody.
Okay, let's see, practice the dating levels.
I think I've kind of already spoke into that.
Really make sure that you know how to do level two well.
Make sure you know how to do discovery dating
and enjoy getting to know people
before you lock it down with somebody.
Well, I appreciate that Larissa.
It was really hard for me to,
you guys are like the first group I'm telling that to.
Nobody else knows about it yet.
I mean, if you've come to prayer calls on Monday,
you may have read between the lines
in the last couple of weeks.
But I have not officially talked about it yet.
And I just wanted to be able to do it
from a place of strength.
You guys were the first group
I wanted to be able to share it to
because I feel like we know each other.
Although for some of you poor chaps,
for those of you that are here for the first time, so sorry.
I've spent the last three months
talking about how great he was
and how great it was being in level three.
Woo!
But maybe what you can hear is,
you guys, I don't know why I'm on the journey that I'm on,
but I know my time has not been wasted.
I've done amazing and great things.
And I think here's what I can tell you
after breaking up with him,
although he's-
Thinks he broke up with me, whatever, dude.
I do want to get married.
And I know that I need to get married.
I know for me to fulfill the next part
of what God has for me,
it will be in a marriage relationship.
But I also can tell you for the first time in my life,
I'm also okay.
I want to get married.
I need to get married, but I'm also okay.
Like, I know I'm still strong, smart, beautiful,
outgoing, friendly, flawed, imperfect, all of that.
And I don't know that I can honestly say
that I have actually felt that strength.
It's not a content, like, okay, I'm fine being single.
In fact, I wrote about it in my book.
I'm not content, uh-uh.
Like, I actually think that shows that I'm more faithful,
that I'm sitting here in my singleness,
not quite content about it,
but still choosing to trust God
and go after and live this life to its fullest.
So that's what I'm hoping you guys do
while you're in phase two and phase three,
for however long it lasts.
I hope that you live your best life,
that you celebrate your wins, you learn from your losses,
you learn from your mistakes, you don't beat yourself up.
You like, don't look through the,
the rear view mirror is small for a reason.
I want to make sure that your view is out the front window.
Okay, so now it is time for us,
for you guys to open it up
and start asking me your questions.
I do more teaching while you guys are asking questions,
but it's the bottom of the hour
and it's the time I cut myself off from talking
so that y'all get to ask your questions.
So let me start plowing through here to make sure.
Carrie, all right, so I'm gonna,
while you guys are getting ready to start raising,
raise your avatar hand
if you are ready to ask me a question.
It can be anything that I just talked about,
anything about the videos,
anything that you want to know.
If you have a dating scenario you want me to help you with,
we will help you with it.
So you guys start raising your hands
and it goes up in the order that you raised your hand,
but I'm gonna answer some of these quick questions here.
Carrie said, I feel like a month is gonna be up
and I only have one date.
Do we need to leave at four weeks?
You don't need to leave right at four weeks.
You can stay a little bit longer than that,
but if it's eight weeks, I might have to kick you out.
I don't like to kick you out, but I gotta go fly bird fly.
And here's the thing, you guys, in phase three,
you don't have the weekly coaching like this,
but there's so much content and there's a lot of people
and it's a lot of fun too.
So phase three is a great place to be.
So if you're not ready at the end of four weeks, that's okay.
But if it's like seven or eight weeks in,
I might start nudging you.
Alice just got emailed
that I've been granted access to phase three,
yet to look into it, no date yet.
Alice, totally up to you, girl.
Again, if it's been only four weeks
and you've watched that last video,
you don't need to go anywhere.
If it's two months in, I might need to have a chat with you.
Because here's the thing, you guys,
everybody in phase three are at all different places.
There's like a thousand women over there.
Some of them are in serious relationships.
Some of them just got broken up with.
Some of them are taking a dating break
because they're trying to get some stuff done with school
or their family.
So just because they're in phase three
does not mean they're all in dating relationships.
There's plenty of single people like me.
You guys, I'm gonna take the summer off of online dating.
I'm gonna focus on school, losing my last five pounds.
I need a little bit more coaching work.
And there's just a few things that I have
on my summer goal list.
So I have two girlfriends that are single actually
in this program, in phase three.
And we just decided that we are gonna pick something live
and in public to do every single weekend.
One thing to do every single weekend
through this entire summer.
Cause right now I don't have the grace.
Jackie always says,
if you don't have the grace for something, don't do it.
So right now I don't have the grace for online dating.
I've dated hundreds of guys online
and I definitely support it.
That's how I met, you know,
some of the most successful relationships I had.
I just don't have the time or the grace for it,
but I am gonna be committed to getting out there
and living my full best life.
And hopefully I will get dates
from being out in the real world.
And maybe by Labor Day, I might change my mind about that,
but I'm giving myself some grace.
Okay.
Okay, got my first online date this Friday.
What do I talk about for two hours again?
I don't wanna go deep.
Well, first of all, if it's only an online date,
don't make it two hours, just make it an hour.
It's hard.
Cindy, are you laughing at me?
It's in person.
He's from online, but it's in person.
Oh, oh, oh, it's in person.
Okay, okay.
It says, oh, it says got my first online date this Friday.
What do I talk about?
So it's not, it's in person, it's not online.
We had our video date yesterday.
We're having a-
Okay, okay, gotcha.
What do I talk about for two hours?
Well, the best way to make sure you don't.
too much talking is pick something to go do.
Go for a walk, play a board game, grab a Frisbee,
go do putt-putt golf, go bowling, go play archery,
go to one of those stupid like game rooms
where it's like you can do foosball,
you can do pool, like pick an activity to do.
That's how you make sure
that you don't talk about too much.
If you have a cute little town,
grab coffees and go walk through that town
and put some steps on.
So that's how you make sure that you don't talk too much.
And also, let me grab this for you guys too to see.
You guys can order this online.
I'm sure Amazon has it.
I know other people have gotten it.
It's called Table Topics.
And there's, I don't know,
there might be like, look at how many questions.
There's a buttload of questions in here.
And go through and like pick some fun questions
to ask about.
Like, and just say, hey, like we're gonna do
a bunch of fun questions.
And I'll answer them and you can answer them.
And some of the questions are like,
you know, if you're about to go to a potluck,
what's the signature dish that you're gonna bring?
If you had a superpower, what would it be?
What would you tell your 18 year old self?
So there's some really cool questions
that are kind of thought provoking,
but they don't have to be super personal in their answer.
So that's what I would suggest.
Do activities have this kind of stuff?
Have a board game ready to go?
Yeah, so I guess the part on,
he already set up dinner at a place,
Italian place in his home.
And so that, unless that's.
And you need to do this girl,
you need to bring some fun questions.
So you can Google, if you can't get this in time,
Google icebreaker questions,
put in your thing icebreaker questions.
And just start to have some fun questions.
Talk about your dreams, talk about your hopes.
So here's how you guys stay not too deep.
Stay in the present, talk about the present
and talk about your future.
Like things that you still wanna do.
Whenever you start talking about the past,
that's when you talk about too much.
So stay in the present.
Like, oh, what movies do you guys like?
Or what do you like to read?
What music are you listening to?
Like, are you following any sports right now?
Like just try to do it.
All right, I'm gonna take a break from looking at the feed
so we've got some hands up.
Elizabeth, you're in my first corner.
Go for it girl.
Hi there.
My question is, I've done online dating in the past
and I didn't like have any horrible experiences.
I wouldn't say it was overly positive
and just like feeling super excited
about the guys I was going out with.
So I'm wanting to be in the right headspace about it
or I know it's not gonna be a great thing.
And today I was gonna be set up with a guy
I was super excited about.
And then he kind of, I guess that he wasn't interested
in being set up, not anything personal,
but he just wasn't ready and that's fine.
It just took me a few rungs back
in like some of my confidence
or feeling excited about dating.
And even though it was totally not personal
and I was just kind of so excited going into phase two.
This is my first meeting in phase two.
And it's just, I don't know if that makes sense, but.
Well, I will say this, Elizabeth,
it's really normal when you first get to phase two
to feel both and about it,
excited and not so excited about it.
So here's what we like to say about online dating.
Online dating is just one tool
to start practicing your dating skills very quickly.
It's starting to learn how to not overshare during texting,
how to pace yourself to get from texting to a first date
or first video from a first video to a date.
And so that's what online dating is for you guys.
No one hated online dating more than me.
Y'all know that, right?
I hated it, hated it.
I'm so old that I was online dating
back when there was no swiping,
back when people would lie about online dating
and I've had good and bad experiences with it.
I will say this though, after the heartwork
and not thinking about online dating
as anything more than a way to discover
more about me and to meet men
and just learn more about them,
the less I was worried if they ghosted me.
If I got scammers, I didn't care.
Like I found scammers, I found them out really fast.
I just didn't focus on it.
But I spent three months where I literally
had a different live date every single weekend
and I rotated the same two restaurants.
I just went back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.
And I learned so much about me.
So Elizabeth, if you're willing to do the online thing,
try to have this attitude of, you know what?
I'm just, it's almost like the internet.
Like if you're, you guys may not be old enough,
but a lot of companies who only created an online.
presence, but didn't have a great product. They use the internet incorrectly. The internet is
just one tool with which to sell your product, right? It wasn't the product. And so online is
not the product. It's just one tool for you to get to meet people and start practicing all the
skills that you learned. If you don't have the grace for it, you are going to have to be more
creative about dating and meeting guys. Ways to do that is look in your local community, type in
single events, single meetup groups. They have hiking groups. They have beach volleyball groups.
They have pickleball groups. They have adventure walks. There always is something going on. I
promise you if you Google in your city, single event meetup groups. Eventbrite usually has a lot.
There's a place called meetup.com. They offer that. There's like, I want to say in Nashville,
there's another place called Adventures and something, and they have that in different cities.
There are also different, so there's, and then also volunteer. Find out from your local
nonprofit bank, the different volunteer opportunities, ways to meet men,
feeding the homeless, Habitat for Humanity projects, anything that's going to bring the
dudes out, raking, mowing the lawn, cleaning up the leaves, anything that's going to get guys
like being manly. That's where you're going to find potential male volunteers. Of course,
pick a nonprofit that you would actually care about too. You could have to do that.
You can also take golf lessons that will put you in front of other people.
Take lessons, go work out at the local rec center where it's going to put you in front of other
people. Elizabeth, hopefully one of those ways will motivate you enough to get back out there
and just try it out and just try to have fun. You guys, it's summer. There are summer concert
series going on in your town. There's summer craft things going on, art things going on.
The craft and art, you might only find gay men or married men. That might not be the best option,
but you might. You might find a little bit of a metrosexual guy willing to go out and get some
good art, but our town always has some festivals going on. Strawberry picking, it sounds silly,
but go to your local farmer's market. Oh my gosh, there's always single people at the local
farmer's market. Go every single weekend. Elizabeth, I'm hoping some of these ideas
will kind of help motivate you. And again, I've had a lot of friends say, oh my gosh,
I have this guy. I'm going to give you his number or whatever. I said, give him my number,
give him my picture, and it just kind of never panned out. And I could get upset about it,
but Elizabeth, you're probably amazing. And again, if he's deciding just on your looks alone,
he's not your guy, or if he's just on the right headspace, he's not your guy. And so
kind of dust yourself off. And it is okay to be disappointed and have hope. Like my book, it says,
all you need is a mustard seed between hope and despair. So I'm one of these people that believes
you can hold hope and despair in one of each hand. And so you can have sadness and despair over here
while you hold on to hope. And I think combined, hope wins because hope is from God. And so it's
bigger than your despair and it will help propel you forward. I don't know if that helped you at
all, but I hope it does. Thank you so much. Appreciate it. Stephanie, and keep coming back,
girl. Keep coming back. Stephanie, you're up. Okay. So I've just watched the first video,
so you may address this later on. And I also watched some of the old phase two check-ins,
and I know you talk about learning to make eye contact and smile at strangers and talk to
strangers, which I'm practicing. And I know part of the point is to like come out of hiding and
just get comfortable with that. But I'm noticing when I'm trying to practice, like this fear comes
up of like, oh my gosh, but what if they ask me out or what if they... And so I'm like, what do I do?
What if they do, Stephanie? I know. Because on one hand, I'm like, well, what if it's a total stranger?
So, okay. So let's walk through all the options. So say it's a total stranger and he's like, hey,
would you like to go out for some time? And just say, oh my gosh, that's really kind of you.
Why don't we meet up here next Saturday? Or you know what? There's a great coffee shop in town.
Why don't we meet up? So I wouldn't even exchange. And at that point, we'll say you kind of met him
in person. So he might need your number for confirmation. This is where I don't freak out
about my phone number. You guys, I can always block people later.
So you can just say, you know, you can just say, Hey, I'd love to get to know you too.
Why don't we meet up in a few days or whatever and have coffee?
And so try to keep it, I always try to keep those kind of early, early dates.
If somebody suggests a meetup for me or somebody kind of a stranger kind of approaches me,
I will always suggest something during the day.
I feel like that soft sells it a little bit.
And so, and so, and here's the thing you don't need to know, and you can like, but
I will say this too.
If you exchange phone numbers, don't start vomiting too much on text.
Like let that first visit, you can find out a little bit of information or, or if you
don't feel comfortable making that date right away, cause you're like, okay, dude, I don't
even know who you are yet.
Just say, you know what?
Do you have a couple of minutes?
Let's just keep talking for a little bit.
Or you know what?
I, you know what?
Hey, here's my number.
We can go ahead and text later tonight or tomorrow, and we can kind of learn a little
bit more about each other and decide if, you know, we want to see each other again.
So those are the ways that you can make that choice.
You're not saying a hard yes, you're not saying a hard no, um, or, or if you're really creeped
out and you're like, everything is screaming hell to the no.
You could just be like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.
I did not mean to mislead you.
Like I'm actually in a relationship.
I was really just being friendly, but golly, that was such a compliment.
Thank you so much.
Okay.
That's your way out if you need a way out.
Okay.
I have, I've got a ring.
Oh my gosh.
My rings aren't on my hand.
I always have a ring on my, my other finger cause I've learned to take it off my ring
finger.
Cause I'm like, okay, Renee, you don't want to look married.
So I have somehow managed to slip that ring onto my ring finger and go like, oh my gosh,
I'm so sorry.
I'm engaged.
So if I was flirting big time, then I might just be like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.
I was probably totally flirting with you.
I just, you just seemed like a really friendly person and I'm dating somebody.
He'd probably kick my butt right now.
Like, like that's how you could say, depending on how flirty you were getting in the whole
process.
Okay.
Thank you.
Does that help kind of ease the like pressure that you're not strapped into a yes.
Yeah.
You bet.
Yeah, I just, um, I had a couple of phone calls, um, let's see this weekend, Sunday
and, um, both men were very nice and, uh, one guy, I don't think, I don't think either
one of them may work out.
I don't know them well enough, but I'm just wondering, should I, uh, invite them for like
a video day, even though I don't think that have you already had, have you already had
the first date with them?
You said, no, no, I just had a phone call with each of them.
I talked to both of them on Sunday.
Okay.
So if you had phone calls with them, did you want to talk to them again?
Um, I'm not, well, one, I, I don't think so though we're communicating by text.
The other one, um, I'm not sure if I should, because, um, I don't, he just came over from
Kenya like a year ago.
So I don't know if we have enough in common to really go further, but here's the pathway
Jackie encourages us to go when we're, how much do we initiate drop the hanky?
How much do we let them initiate?
She always says you guys can make the first move.
You can drop the hanky.
So if you're talking to a guy, whatever, you're like, gosh, this guy at church or like what
Stephanie was just talking about.
If I'm talking to a guy now and I'm like, Hmm, I might say to him, you know what?
I may be way off base.
You may have a girlfriend or a wife, but if you don't and you're remotely interested in
getting to know me, here's my number.
Feel free to call me.
And if not, I'm, it's totally okay.
It was just really nice chatting with you.
That's dropping the hanky.
That's like putting it out there, but giving them a way to get out and then you kind of
let them take the lead.
So you guys have already had the phone call.
So when, when you have a phone call and a date and you think you might want to talk
to them again, it is okay at the end of the phone call or the date or when you get home
or the next day to say, Hey, I really enjoy talking to you.
I would love to see you again sometime if that's something you would be interested to
continue to get to know you.
Okay.
If not, that's totally okay.
I just wanted to put that out there.
So because believe it or not, the men have no idea if we want to see them again because
they're so confused.
They're like, I don't know.
She did.
And so she tells us to be really direct.
That's not booking the next phone call or the next date though, but it is letting them
know where you stand.
Like, I really enjoyed getting to know you.
I don't know where you're at with it, but if you do want to talk to me again, I just
wanted you to know that I'm really open to that and then you can go.
or you get off the phone,
but now he's not in doubt about where you stand.
Now, Karen, if you don't want that,
then don't offer that, right?
Okay, right.
But it's not your job to book the next date.
Okay.
It's his job.
You bet.
Jessica.
I just had a question.
Like, there's a guy that has been flirting with me
and drive-through and like,
I'm just asking the right questions
of like finding out if he's a Christian guy or not.
Wait, you want to find out how,
to find out how much of a Christian he is?
Yeah.
Like, I don't know if he's a Christian or not
because he seemed really interested.
Okay.
So how, wait, how long,
how much have you guys been chatting?
For a couple of years,
but he, I accidentally flirted with him
a couple of weeks ago.
Wait, so how do you know him?
Do you know him in real life?
I work in, no, I just,
I work in drive-throughs.
I work at McDonald's,
so he comes through like all the time.
Okay, so he's just a customer,
and so you've not had a loan time yet?
No.
Okay.
And you accidentally flirted with him.
Did he try to pick,
did he try to ask you out?
Not yet.
Okay.
So here's a really cute way
that you could drop the hanky with him.
If he orders something,
you can attach a note in his order,
and if he's meant to see it, he'll see it.
And you can just say,
hey, I've seen you around for the last couple of years.
We, of course, don't know anything about each other,
but I would be open to a video chat,
meet up for coffee,
and get to know you.
If you are not interested, totally okay.
I just thought I would put myself out there.
Because all you're trying to do is saying,
I just want to get to know you.
You don't need to know if he's a Christian,
or like, you're not going to ask,
oh my gosh, are you a Christian yet?
Like, you might find that out in the first phone call,
or the first date.
So does that help?
Like, that's, so dropping a hanky,
that's dropping the hanky.
Like, hey, this may seem really crazy,
but I've noticed you for the last couple of years,
and I thought, what the heck?
Let me just let you know.
I'd love to get to know you.
We don't know anything about each other,
but it sure would be fun.
If you're not interested, that's also totally okay.
That's dropping hanky.
And so that's how you would drop the hanky
in your situation.
Finding out about faith, you guys.
When I'm texting with a guy,
one of the first things I ask is,
tell me, like, you know,
because guys suck at texting online.
They just, they don't, they're stupid.
They don't know what questions to ask,
or they just end up oversharing.
So I usually try to help it along,
and I just say, well, hey, tell me a little bit about you.
What things are you doing
that take up a lot of your time and energy
that are really important to you?
I'll go first.
So then I even say, I'll go first.
I like to go to the gym.
I like to eat healthy.
I love live theater, especially local live theater.
I love college sports,
and I love getting out in the summertime and doing something.
I'm super active in my church.
I also volunteer there as well,
and I love to read, and I love to cook dinners.
So you see how I slipped in my faith in there
and its importance?
And so I say, how about you?
And if they answer a bunch of stuff,
but they don't mention church at all,
I kind of make note of it,
and I don't say anything in the texting.
But if there's everything else that he's saying
that I really resonated with him,
I'm gonna give him a chance to follow up on that faith thing
for a video call.
So I wait for the video call
because I really wanna see their body language.
You guys, I know a lot of you guys
like to go right to a Google Voice.
I hate it.
I do not wanna talk on the phone
with somebody I've not seen
because I need to make sure those photos,
I don't wanna just not make sure
that he's a scammer or a catfisher.
I also wanna make sure those photos are legit
and from the last two years.
I don't wanna go out on a date with him
or fall in love with the phone guy
if he's like a hundred pounds overweight
or he's 25 years older than what those photos look like.
And I like to see, I'm a visual learner.
I like to see body language.
I like to hear tone and inflection.
And so I hate the phone.
Like, I feel like there's too much,
like you don't know,
are their eyes bugging out when you're asking the question?
Are they kind of scrambling?
Is he like in a sloppy house?
So I'm like looking at his furniture.
I'm looking at how he's dressed.
I'm looking at how he's sitting.
Is he lounging?
Is he treating it like it's a valuable moment?
So like for me, I learned so much more in a video date.
I feel like there's still so much you can smoke
and mirror in a phone call.
So, you know, I just say, you know,
those are great questions.
Like, so that's how I get from a text to a video date.
Those are great questions you're asking.
I think they're too clunky for a text message.
Let's go ahead and book a video date.
And here's how I get to the video date.
I stop texting.
If you're like, but Renee, all he does is he texts.
We text all day long.
Well, then stop texting all day long.
That's how you get him to a video date.
You gotta stop, stop doing it.
So then when I get to the video date,
I might say something like, hey, as we're talking,
hey, you know, you mentioned you like skiing.
Tell me a little bit more about that.
You mentioned you enjoy working out.
Tell me a little bit more about that.
So I'm kind of working my way about that.
Hey, I also noticed that you put Christian in your profile.
Now I know a lot of people put that down,
especially in the area that we live in.
How does faith show up for you in your everyday life?
That's how I ask that question.
How does faith show up for you in your everyday life?
And they might say, well, what do you mean?
I'm like, I don't know.
Do you pray?
Do you go to church?
Do you talk about God?
Do you read the Bible?
Do you meditate?
I don't know.
It could be anything.
Just tell me like, how does it show up for you today?
Because then they might go,
well, you know, I was raised Methodist
and my grandparents were really this,
and they'll ramble on for two minutes about their childhood.
And I'll go, awesome.
So how does your faith show up today?
Like I literally re-asked the question,
how does your faith show up today?
And if I get a guy that says,
oh my gosh, Ray, that's a personal question.
My faith is very personal to me.
Soon as he says that, I know he's not my guy
because I need a guy who wants to talk about his faith
with me and pray with me.
So I'm like, that's really awesome.
I'm really curious about that
because faith actually was really meant to be in community.
And so I'm curious,
I'm curious why you like to be more private about it.
So again, that's a good starting word.
I'm curious, curious means ask for more.
Tell me more, I'm curious.
Tell me more about that.
I'm curious, tell me more about the importance
of you keeping it private.
Tell me what that's, you know, I'm curious about that.
Tell me more.
Curious, tell me more sounds way better than why.
Why, why, why, why?
Why kind of sounds like I put them on the defensive.
So Jessica, I hope I gave you that two-part answer
that helped you to drop the hanky.
And let's face it, if the guy blows you off,
what do you care?
He's just a guy driving through the drive-thru, right?
Okay, Cindy, you're up.
Is it Cindy?
Did I say it, pronounce it correctly?
Yeah, it's Cindy.
No, it's spelled really so.
I, I did that in seventh grade.
So I really live in the middle of nowhere.
Grabbing my water, but I can hear you
cause it's only right there, so keep talking.
Okay, and so I was, I go to Dallas once a month
to see my kids and stuff.
And I live in Northwest Oklahoma in a town of a hundred
and I, is it okay to, I don't know.
I mean, like, how far do I go to see people?
You may need to leave your town, though.
If they come here, there's nothing.
Yeah.
How far away is Dallas?
Five hours.
Eesh, that's the closest town town?
No, I can't, that's just where I go on a regular basis.
There's a 50,000 people town about an hour
and there's an hour and a half,
almost two hours to Oklahoma City.
Oh yeah, Oklahoma City.
I've been to Oklahoma City.
So you're gonna have to look at men in those two,
in those three areas.
You're gonna have to look at Dallas.
You're gonna have to be willing to look at either online
that's gonna get you to Dallas and those two other cities,
or you can start Googling for meetup activities
in those three towns.
You may wanna pick the meetups and activities
in the two towns that are closer to you
because you guys, like an hour drive in,
I mean, I live South of Franklin.
I drive to my sister's.
It's an hour to get to my sister.
She's North of Franklin.
On a busy day, it takes me an hour to get into Nashville.
So like for me meeting somebody, like it's not,
it would not be uncommon for me to drive in a Nashville
to meet some guy.
So I think it is okay for you to start looking
in those two towns for you and being willing to do that.
So it's not like you go long, super long distance,
but when you know you're gonna be in Dallas,
you can also see what's going on in that town,
like that weekend, and you can kind of book things around it.
I was just at the Dallas airport this past weekend.
I'm just, I forget how big Dallas is.
Anyway, so that's what I'm going to encourage you to do.
So look at those three cities, plan activities and events
around that so you can start to meet people.
And I think it's okay.
Are you open to moving?
I don't know.
It kind of depends on God
because I'm pastoring two churches up here.
And I-
Oh my goodness, girl.
I'm doing an outreach program for a bilingual program
that I'm just starting and I'm learning Spanish.
And I'm, there's a bunch of stuff going on here
that God's called me to do.
So I don't know.
Okay.
Well then you're just going to trust the process.
You're just going to trust the process.
Okay.
Awesome.
I do have one more real quick question.
Because I'm a pastor, do I list that?
Cause I'd ask, what's your job?
And-
Oh, so good.
Great question.
Let me help you on this answer.
Okay.
So when I used to run my nonprofit,
I used to put CEO of a nonprofit.
No.
I started then putting a director of a nonprofit.
For men, it is really intimidating to write CEO
of a nonprofit.
So I just put director at a nonprofit.
That could have been managing director,
associate director, it could mean anything.
So if I were you, I would just, you know,
I would just say, you could either put pastoral staff,
you could put pastoral staff,
or you can just be, you can, you know, church staff.
Like you could either do pastoral staff or church staff.
Probably for you, pastoral staff would be more honest,
but it's not saying I'm the lead past,
you know what I'm saying?
Pastoral staff.
Because if I were you, I'm okay.
Like, I'm okay.
Like, I will say this.
I don't have in my profile that I'm going to seminary.
I do tell people right away that I'm,
oh, I'm going to school for my master's.
And if that intimidates the stink out of them, goodbye.
Like, I'm not gonna hide, but I don't jump with seminary.
Cause even when I, where was I?
Oh, I was my friends plus one in Mexico,
totally secular company.
Y'all, we were hanging out with this gay couple
and I could tell like, all right, Renee,
you can't come out with super Jesus.
Like, this is just not the place for it.
And he's like, oh, well, we didn't go to school for it.
I'm like, oh, seminary.
Well, I mean, it was like,
he basically was like, oh, do you hate the gays?
Did you vote for Trump?
And I'm like, I said, Brian, we just not met.
Dude, we are not gonna go there.
I said, for the last two hours,
have I not treated you with kindness and love?
He goes, yes.
And I said, then that's all that matters.
We're just not going there.
Like, so definitely have learned to rein it
in a little bit, but not lie about it either.
So find your balance.
Thank you.
You bet, Tasha.
I just wonder, I guess I'm feeling a little nervous
because I haven't dated anyone online
since the preposterous situation
I told you about a week ago.
And I know this guy asked me, he's, you know, he's a cook.
I mean, in fact, when we were on video,
he started showing me around his house.
I mean, he volunteered a lot of information.
I didn't even ask.
And he volunteered, he was a Christian.
I didn't even ask that either.
But he said, oh, I can cook for you.
And I said, well, no, I prefer you take me out,
you know, because I don't know him.
I'm not going to his house.
But just out of curiosity,
what's a recommended time before you,
a couple months, right, before you go to someone's house?
Well, a couple months is a long time.
I will say this, you want to make sure you,
I will say this, there's no perfect time.
You have to know,
there's a whole lot of factors that go into it.
I would definitely say for the first four to six dates,
do not go to each other's houses.
And there's no right or wrong answer to this.
There are some people on this call that might say,
I'm not going to his house until we're exclusive.
That's okay.
That's an okay stance for you.
Somebody might say, you know what?
Oh my gosh, he is so hot.
I don't think I could go to his house for like three months.
Like I need to make sure,
like we are in a committed serious relationship
because I don't trust me.
Like I'm going to be all up in his grill.
But sometimes they're going to give you the safe vibe.
Like I was with Rick,
we dated like four or five times before he's like,
hey, I don't want to date anybody else.
Can we just focus on each other?
That's why I call 3A.
We weren't talking about marriage yet,
but we weren't like,
we were kind of done talking to other people.
And then I, a couple of weeks later,
I went to church with him.
So I met people at church that, you know,
really liked him and then kind of endorsed him.
So I knew at least he wasn't an ax murderer, right?
Like I knew he was a safe guy.
He were gonna go play pool,
like his condo complex has all these amenities.
So he knew, I knew we were gonna stop by his condo
on the way to go downstairs.
And I was really kind of nervous about it.
And I was like, all right, I'm gonna see how I feel.
Well, I have to say, I felt really some,
I mean, I can read a room and his home was immaculate.
It was all the style that I liked.
And it just, it felt safe and it felt comfortable.
So I immediately felt like, you know what?
I could hang out with him here, but we didn't right away.
It just made me realize that I could.
And I think I invited him over for dinner at my place first
cause I felt more in control of that environment.
And if I needed to kick him out, I could.
And my condo is small and I can yell for a neighbor
in pretty like five seconds flat and I'd be safe.
So I would say, don't be worrying about like being alone
in each other's home yet.
You are just getting to know him.
And so since he planned this date, Tasha,
if he wants to go out again,
I encourage you to plan the next date.
Say, hey, you know what?
Next time let's just go do something fun.
Let's go bowling.
Let's go putt-putt.
Let's go do something fun.
Because you wanna just not keep doing dinner dates
every time because all you're gonna do, you guys,
is just talk and talk and talk,
which means all you're gonna do is just vomit your story.
You wanna actually start to do experiences with them.
You wanna see what they're like
when they're winning at bowling, when they're losing.
So, because if you start talking too much,
you're definitely going to just go down the train
of talking about your past.
You can't help it.
But movies, what about movies?
Movies, you just-
Movies, no, not in the beginning, y'all.
There's no talking in a movie.
No, no, movies are terrible first dates.
Movies is like, actually one of the last dates
Rick and I had was a movie.
I finally took us to see the unsung hero
because I was dying to go see a movie.
Movies are terrible for the first six dates.
No, I mean, no, no.
You don't have a chance to get to know them.
Now, if it's a play or something like a matinee
and you're gonna go and have dinner, I don't know.
I don't know.
I mean, I love theater and I love movies.
I'm just saying, movie dates, you start holding hands.
You might make out.
I don't know.
Just be careful with movie dates.
Rachel.
You are up, girl.
Are you still here?
Rachel, you're on mute.
Your hand is up.
Yes, sorry.
You bet.
I hit the wrong button and all of a sudden
my screen changed and the whole nine yards.
All good.
So I have, I think I've been in here
probably like four or five weeks, which is fine for me.
But I'm having a hard time.
I think it's part of my people pleasing
that I'm working on coming out of.
But like I'm meeting guys online
and I have a really busy schedule,
like really busy schedule and only a little bit of time.
Like, hey, can we do this?
Hey, can we do that?
Hey, can we meet?
You know, like right away.
And I'm trying to fit everything in.
And then I'm overwhelmed that like, hey,
like I'm out of town this weekend
and then I'm working all next week as I travel for work.
I'm a flight attendant.
So like, it's gonna be three weeks
where I can set up a date with you.
I don't have time between now and then.
And we just schedule that.
And if they're not okay with that, you move on.
You know what girl, that is my new answer.
After I felt like shit for three months
that I felt like I could not give Rick enough time.
And you know what?
I'm no longer apologizing for my schedule.
I am in school.
I have vacations booked with my friends already.
I have friends.
I have my church community.
I will make space for you.
I will, I will, but I'm not gonna stop my life.
So because you travel a lot,
I would say try to book as fast as possible, short video.
So when I book a video date, you guys,
a lot of times I might say, hey, can we book a video chat?
I said, not more than 30 minutes.
And I purposely pick that 30 minute video chat
when I have something else right afterwards.
So I have to get off the phone.
So I have to get off the video.
If I really like them, like, oh my gosh, I'm so bummed.
I have to go.
I really do have to go,
but I would love to book another video day
or a video chat with you.
I know it might seem crazy
that I have to book this time with you.
And you guys, Rick gave me so much crap for my calendar
because it was all color coded.
I had like school, work, the gym, church,
but man, if I didn't book you in,
there was like, I'm just not in the season of my life
where I have a lot of disposable time,
but I will make time for you.
And so Rachel, I think it's okay for you
to learn that really fast with guys.
Like, you know what, I don't have a lot of time,
but I promise I-
best in my people, well, that's how you can say it.
I don't have a lot of time.
I do have to schedule things in this season,
but I promise you, if you're my person,
I'm intentional with my time.
Okay.
So that's what I would say up front,
just say, hey, can we book a video chat?
And you probably wanna get two or three video chats
under your belt to see if it's worth you
even booking a live visit.
Since you have such limited face-to-face time,
you wanna make sure.
Now, for those of you that have plenty of time
on your hands and he's willing to come meet you for coffee,
have at it, go to the,
like if a guy wants to meet me in person
before a video date, then I book a coffee shop
that's a mile down the road for me.
It's gonna cost me no time and energy and effort.
And back to what I said earlier, I make it during the day.
So if somebody insists on meeting me faster,
then I make it super damn easy for me.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Does that help?
Yes, it does help.
I mean, I'm just thinking, I just went on a date.
So I did a video date with a guy,
like, I don't know, last Saturday night.
And then we met, we wanted to go to dinner
and I flat out suggested, how about we go play putt-putt?
I don't wanna sit across from you at dinner.
We don't need an interview.
I'm a flight attendant.
I do small talk with people all day long.
I don't need to do it again like you.
Like, it's annoying.
And so we went and he totally took it, did putt-putt,
but he's like, hey, your life is so busy.
Like, how does dating fit into this?
Like, how do you have time for,
your schedule is very sporadic.
It's never the same.
And I'm like, no, it's not the same.
It's very, it's like, it's not every week.
And it's almost like this.
And it's happened a couple of times,
a couple of questions, like, how are you gonna make time?
How are you gonna make it work when your life is busy?
It's not nine to five.
It's very different.
You know what?
You can say, I would be lying that I have a set schedule
and it's consistent, but I can tell you,
I make time for the people that matter to me.
Okay.
Because this is my career.
So I've been doing this for a very long time.
I know how to make time for my family and friends.
And if you're the person that I wanna date,
you would just have to trust me
that I already know how to do this.
Okay.
But it will require us to be intentional and flexible.
And so you're right.
I will need us to be intentional and flexible.
Yeah. Okay.
Thank you so much.
You bet.
You bet, sweetie.
Anybody else?
Those are good questions, you guys.
I hope you guys are getting something.
Where do you do the video dates, chats?
I do them on my Zoom account right here, Zoom.
And where I specifically do them in my home,
I show you guys.
I think I've showed you before.
I always pick, watch, I'm gonna do this.
I'm gonna take you home.
So now I'm taking it to my teeny tiny home.
I'm gonna close the bathroom door
because it's gonna give me light I don't want.
I'm gonna put light on facing me.
So look, see, look, I've now,
look, this is a good video date spot.
I got the pretty picture behind me.
Shows a little bit of my quirky personality.
And I'm facing the light so I have no lines and wrinkles.
It's the best way to get rid of your lines and wrinkles.
Face the light.
And I'm gonna put the computer about here.
So I'm gonna prop it up at this height.
So if I have a cute earrings on and a cute top,
I want him to just see more than this.
Like this is just too much, right?
That's a little creepy.
So you wanna make sure he sees
about this much of your space.
So in my home, that's where I do it.
I don't do it on the bed and I try not to see it.
Like I try, I'm not gonna do it
with my kitchen crap behind me, right?
I'm gonna do it here.
So that's what I do.
You wanna pick a spot.
Cindy, you look good.
You wanna just make sure you're facing the light.
Like Aaron D, got good light on your face.
Karen, you got good light on your face.
So you wanna just make sure that the light
is in front of you and not behind you.
Because if it's behind you, it shadows your face.
Like Kay, your face is shadowed, right?
Yep, you can see it.
So you wanna make sure you're not shadowed.
So hopefully that answered your question.
I wasn't sure if you meant like where,
but I definitely, and here's the thing.
I think I turned it off.
I think the new Zoom one took it off,
but Zoom also has, you guys,
if you can Google Zoom background pictures
and you can find like background photos.
So if you're like, my house is a hot mess express.
Like right now, Emily,
I think I see your bag hanging up with your cross.
Like you might be like,
I don't want them to see all that stuff.
So you can Google Zoom backgrounds
and you can add it to your photo library on Zoom
and you can put it on as your background.
So he might think you're just sitting at a picture window
and it's glorious.
This way he also doesn't get to know
your personal belongings in your home.
So you can do that as well.
So, that's a great way to do it.
This is another Rachel.
Another Rachel.
So, it just says Rachel over here.
You are up.
Did you have your hand up?
You're still muted, though.
There I go.
Sorry.
Okay.
So, first of all, this is where I actually sit.
I mean, I do use another light that hits me from the front.
Because it's my room.
Is that okay?
Are you on your phone?
iPad.
Okay.
Because it's making you very skinny.
I'm not seeing a lot.
I'm only seeing your face.
Yeah.
So, that's fine.
Yeah.
Should I use a computer instead when...
The only reason why...
I've done both.
I've done my phone and my computer.
I have a little tripod for my phone.
So, when I use my phone, I try to use the tripod or I prop the phone.
So, I'm not...
Yeah.
I usually have it on a thing.
But, I mean, this is still locked.
Yeah.
You just need to make sure you turn the light behind you off because it's glaring and it's
blocking me seeing you easily.
The glare is kind of hurting my eyes just a little bit.
Okay.
Yeah.
I normally use another...
But, anyways, the actual questions that I had was, I've been having a hard time with
Zoom for some reason.
They know how to use Zoom.
They've used it before, not for dates, but for some reason, they cannot get in with the
code I send them.
I don't send them like an email invitation.
I usually just, you know, because it's on either Facebook dating or Hinge, so I just
put the number and the password, the ID and the password.
But, for some reason, they're just having a hard time.
So do they know how to...
Because they're probably used to just getting a link.
So you might have to screenshot for them what it looks like.
Okay.
You're going to go to zoom.com and find out if they're coming in from their phone or from
their web.
And so that's what you're going to do.
You're going to go in from your phone or your web and you're going to screenshot the home
page of Zoom.
And then you're going to circle where it says, join a meeting.
And then you're going to show them a screenshot of the next thing where it says, where they
have to put in their meeting ID and then where you would put the code.
So that's what I've had to do for some people, a screenshot at each step for them so they
know what to do.
Well, because I know one of the guys...
Google Meet is the same.
Google Meet is another option.
But the problem with Google Meet is you're still going to have to do the same thing.
You're still going to have an ID because you don't want to go in through your Google account
unless it's a Google number, but that's an option.
You can copy the link and send it to them.
Yeah, Sarah, the problem is that she's trying not to send them the link without an email
address.
And so if you're only on an app, you can't...
I've tried to do it on Facebook dating.
You can't cut and paste it.
You can't cut and paste.
Nope.
It's not a live link.
I mean, you can, but it's not a live link.
And so there's still stuff you have to go to.
But this is my thing, Rachel.
If he likes me, he's going to figure out how to use that damn thing.
I might give him some screenshots, but he is probably not my guy if he cannot figure
out too.
I mean, at the end of the day, I was like, one of them was like, forget it.
I was like, oh, okay.
I apologize.
Sorry.
Yep.
So try and get in touch.
But Google Meet is another option.
It's just, it's the same version of that.
Yeah.
Now, how long before you...
So let's say that I'm chatting with a few people.
How long do I give them, like if they don't respond, like if, you know, like if they didn't
respond or, you know, we've been going, let's say we chatted a few, a few going back and
forth and then it's been a couple of days since their last response.
Is it okay to just block them or what's fair?
I don't feel the need to block people unless they've been unsafe.
So usually what I do, if I'm online and I'm talking to it, you know, four or five guys,
whatever, chit chat.
And if some guy kind of goes AWOL for a couple of days, I just ignore him and I focus on
the other guys.
I actually don't delete guys until like two or three weeks go by.
And I'm not sitting here hanging and waiting for him.
It's just like, I put them on pause.
I put them on the back burner.
Like, okay, clearly he's either talking to another girl and he's going to see where that
goes.
Fine.
We're just online.
We're not anything yet.
He doesn't know me yet.
Or he went away for business or something.
So I might wait a week or two and I'll just then close.
call it delete the conversation.
I just close it.
I don't explain it.
I just close it.
If I really liked him though,
I really liked him,
I might reach out one more time.
I might say, hey, I haven't heard from you.
Are you still interested in talking?
I'd love to get to know you.
And then if I don't hear from him,
then I close it out.
Now, if he says, oh yeah, yeah,
but then nothing happens,
I wait a couple of days and then I close it out.
Like, you know,
because he was just trying to keep the bench warm.
And I'm like, no, that's not good for me.
So I will usually text the basics under a week,
under week the basics.
And then I'll say, hey, you know what?
We're kind of running out of things to say by text.
We're starting to get to topics
that are much more appropriate live.
I'd be up for a video chat.
Oh yeah, but for a video chat too.
Awesome.
When are you free?
Here are the times and dates.
I'm free.
Awesome.
If he doesn't lock down a video date,
I don't pressure him again.
I just leave it be.
And if a week goes by and I don't hear from him,
I delete it.
If three days go by and he doesn't book the video date,
but he tries to start texting me again,
I just say, oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm done texting.
At this point, I'm ready for a video date.
If you're not ready for that, that's totally cool.
You know, we can both move on,
but I'm here to meet people in real life, not text.
And that's how I, that's why I stop it.
Because when we keep texting, they'll keep texting.
Larissa.
All right.
Hi, Renee.
Hi, beautiful.
Hi.
So just to follow up, you know,
I regarded my in-person date two weekends ago.
So after the date, right, I didn't initially wanna,
you know, I was still confused.
We're trying to figure out, you know, as far as his faith
and I didn't really like him as much, you know, so,
but you advised me to let him know
that I'd like to get to meet him again
since it was a great date, right?
So I did send him a text and I told him, you know,
that I enjoyed myself and I would like to get to
meet him again.
So he asked me when I was available.
So I told him last weekend, but then it so happened,
he had an event in Dallas
and he wasn't gonna be available.
So apparently last weekend and this coming weekend,
he won't be available and he hasn't brought up anything
again as far as the date
or where we're gonna meet again next.
So I don't know at this point if I should ask him again
or just leave it like that.
Nope, you've done it.
It's on him now to book that next date.
And so what you can do though, is he still talking to you?
That was the next thing I was gonna bring up
cause he came back from Dallas yesterday
and we didn't get to chat till late at night
cause he told me he was sleeping.
So we didn't get to chat during the day,
not until late around 11 p.m.
at that time I was getting ready to go to bed.
So here's what I would say is at this point,
start letting him lead the tempo of this conversation,
but don't always be available.
So if he calls or texts you too late at night,
don't even feel the pressure to respond.
You can respond the next morning and just say,
hey, you know what, got your message, I was already in bed.
Here's when I'm available to chat today
or here's when I'm available to chat tomorrow.
So I try to let them know what my availability is
and I would really let you at this point lead the way,
let him lead the conversation.
And so here's the thing you guys,
I don't want you to play games with men
and I don't want you to be rude with men,
but I don't want you to demand or lead.
So you can just say, hey, that's not a good time for me.
Hey, here's a good time for me.
Those are all drop the hanky moments.
I'd love to see you again.
I'd love to chat with you again,
but you're not booking those next dates
and you're not booking those next phone calls
until it's really clear he's really in.
And so if it's too late when he calls you Larissa
or texts you, you do not need to respond in that moment.
Cause I've missed him this morning.
We did text this morning, but not retexting.
He did say good morning to me, right?
And I responded, but till now he hasn't replied my texts
since morning till now.
So I'm just like.
So now you're just going to leave it be
cause when a guy just says good morning
and you say good morning back, that is not a conversation.
I hate the damn good mornings.
I mean, actually my chat was longer than he,
cause he just said good morning.
Then I said, good morning.
How did you sleep?
How was your trip?
Oh no girl.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's okay.
That's why we're practicing.
Just say, oh, good morning. Hope you're doing well. So you might add a little bit more,
but that's it. To me, a good morning is a half-assed attempt at starting the conversation.
Sorry, guys, I shouldn't really watch what I say. But he's not really engaging, so I don't
want you to drive the engagement. Hey, good morning. Hope you're doing well. Leave it at that.
Let him lead. Let him ask you stuff, especially if you guys have already been out. You guys have
already been out on a date. He needs to drive this relationship. And that's good for all of
you guys. So do you guys kind of get the difference between dropping the hanky,
being clear when you're interested, but not driving the relationship? Do you see that dance?
It's like the West Coast swing. It's kind of a dance, back and forth. Rachel, do you have
another question? Your hand's back up, or maybe you never took it down. I can't remember.
Thank you, Renee.
You bet, sweetie. Keep us posted.
All right. Are we done? Is everybody done? Okay. 8, 27, 9, 27, 5, 27 for some of you. This is
good. 90 minutes. All right, you guys. I'm really excited. So if this is your first time, yay. This
is what we do here. We have fun. We talk about good stuff. You don't just have to ask dating
questions. You can say, hey, Renee, this was said during the dating 101 video, or this was said
during online dating, or this was said during boundaries. No one ever asks me questions about
boundaries. That's really my favorite topic to talk about. So if you are a people pleaser,
you fall in the victim trap, you've been stuck with controllers, and you ever want to deal with
boundaries, know that I love talking about that stuff. Sarah notes, I've missed your face,
girl. So glad to have you back. I missed you, girl. When do I find info on single cities?
Okay. So actually the single cities, no, single cities should be available to you right now.
I want to say they're guide eight or nine on that Facebook page. So go to the guide section
of your Facebook page and just scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll until you get all the way to the
bottom. And it has all the single cities. I will tell you, Facebook hates us right now, and not all
the links are working. So once you find the name of the city that you're looking for, say it's
single city Nashville, then if that link is not working, go to the search bar and just type in
single city Nashville, and it's going to get you to the page. And then Jackie is the one that's
approving everybody in the page. I will tell you guys, we're super close getting everybody into the
app. I'm hoping by next week, we have all the volunteers and the men in the app. And by next
week, I think we're going to get in all of phase three and let the shit hit the fan. I mean, I
don't know when hell the women get in phase three. And so as soon as you guys are ready to move out
of phase two, hopefully we'll move you into phase three. And we've created one main group that has
all the men and all the women together in that group. So that will also be fun for you to meet
folks that way too. I did single city Dallas because I go there... Oh yeah, there you go.
Watching the... That's where I am at now, watching the boundary visual. Rachel, I can't wait to hear
what you think about it. With the app, will we not use Zoom anymore? No, we will use Zoom.
Here's what the app is going to do. The app is going to replace Facebook and the portal that
you currently like. So right now, all your content is at the Jackie Dorman website portal
and all this community, all the posts are in Facebook. This is going to merge all of that
together. I'll get you excited here. So no, it's too small. So basically you're going to be in a
group and you're going to see the content in one column, the links to all the Zoom, the video
sessions. But the good news is you don't have to like, where's the link? Where's the link? It won't
matter. It's just a button. It's going to say, it's going to have the whole calendar and it's
going to say prayer, check-in, faith Friday. And all you're going to have to do is just tap on it
and it's going to open up the Zoom right from there. So there you go. It's going to be so
exciting. The single city for Atlanta seems outdated. Yeah, some of them, I will say this,
you guys, some of the single cities are less active than others. There's a lot of events going
on this year. My suspicion is as Jackie starts doing all of these outside of events, some of
those single cities will start to get more vibrant. And then also remember you guys, the dating app is
coming out in like June or July. So once you've been in the program, I think six months, she's
going to have men and women in the community dating app. And so Tasha, which single city are
trying to get in. Yeah. You guys. The Facebook group that Jackie Dorman manages. I went in.
Which one, sweetie? Which city? No, it just says single city. It didn't have a single
city nation or something. It didn't have a particular city.
Single nation is she's not doing that. And so the single nation on Facebook is not activated
anymore. It's old. And so it's because we're getting ready to move everybody into the app
and on the dating app. So the single cities are still active. Some cities are more active
than others like Dallas, Austin, the Florida one, the New York one, Redding, California,
the Southern California, all very, very active and doing a lot of stuff. Okay. So if the
link is not working, Martha, go to the search bar and, and go to the search bar and type
in single city, Los Angeles, and that should take you to the page. And then you'll just
click on the page manually. That's what I was saying before. There you go. All right,
you guys, this was so much fun. I enjoyed being here with you. Make sure you answer
how you are doing in the roll call. That's how we determine what we talk about each week.
And also share your highs, lows, and all of your questions, comments from the videos in
the newsfeed. It helps everybody. And again, it lets us know what is top of your mind that
we need to be talking about each week. So go forth, have an amazing week and be fabulous.
And I'll see you again next week.