and see how many of you are new to Phase 2. This might be your first live session.
Good. Okay, Jenna, this is your first week, first live. I see a lot of familiar faces.
Good stuff. Isabel, this is your first live, your new-ish. Heather, you've been to one other one.
Good. So you're getting the feel for it, ladies. So yes, welcome. This is Phase 2. We have our
weekly Tuesday calls. We will always have them at 1 o'clock Eastern, and then we also have them
at 8 o'clock Eastern. But tonight, it's a special sneak peek. You guys will get invited to sit in
the love seats with Jackie. So it'll be this. You guys will go in Phase 2, and then you'll be with
the Phase 3 people as well. So that will be exciting. Both of those, this session and
tonight will be recorded, so it will be in replay. So yeah, if you are new, just remember,
your goal is to watch one video a week and just process through that one video. Lots of content,
they're about an hour long. If you have to space that out, totally fine. A lot of people like
myself, I've had to watch a video and then go back and do a replay as well. So that is always,
just do what works best for you, okay? I know some ladies like to watch all of the videos and
then go back and process one video a week. So you just figure out what works best for you.
We want to make sure that you are just absorbing the information from one video a week and really
processing through that. Maybe meditate on it, pray about it, take a journal about it. What's
God highlighting to you to focus with some of that content in that week and putting that stuff
into practice. So whether you dove onto dating and you're starting to meet people, and there's
things that you want to apply with in dating, do that. If you're still kind of waiting for the
right time and kind of just taking a week or two to process whether or not you jump into dating,
there's other things that you can be practicing, okay? So just make sure that you're doing that.
And then we also ask that you're also posting in our Facebook group. So, and it can be about
all different types of things. It can be about things that you're going through with the heart
work, because as many of you are probably learning, heart work is something that will continue.
There's always going to be areas of upgrade. It's kind of like an onion. You peel back the
layers of the onion and there's just something new that is revealed. So you might be experiencing
some revealing for healings and you need to come to the group and share that, get some additional
encouragement or coaching, do that there. Maybe you are having some praise reports and some
breakthroughs and you want to celebrate that. We want to celebrate that with you.
So share those things with us as well as your dating interactions. This is huge. I've
seen sometimes what happens is that ladies are dating and then they don't share what's
happening. And then like weeks down the road, it's kind of like, this is happening. So
just feel free to share kind of what you're experiencing with that dating, what you like
about the person, what, you know, maybe some things that you're noticing that you're not sure are,
you know, yellow flags or green flags, red flags, just be sharing those types of things with us
as well. And then any questions that you have. So make sure you're putting that all in the Facebook
post on our group. If you haven't watched any of the Supernatural Saturdays,
definitely check those out. Jackie and Bethany do an awesome job. There's always just so much
good stuff that comes through there. I know this weekend, Jackie talked a lot about,
and I saw a lot of you ladies even post the thing with not one can, one cannot, but two can,
and then talking about the two can bird. And so many of you guys had this God confirmation
of things that showed up. And so that's always really, really cool. And breakthroughs happen
on Supernatural Saturday. There's a reason it's called Supernatural Saturday. Some supernatural
things definitely happen. So definitely make sure if you can't be there on Saturday,
always catch the replays. Good, good stuff is always there. Jackie also talked about,
I think, focusing on expansion and what God is expanding in your life. So this isn't just
dating stuff, like this is other areas in your life too. So we want to make sure that you are
focusing on that, and then not to compare your story
to anybody else's.
Like we all have our own journeys.
God's gonna take us through what we need to grow in
and he's gonna do it lovingly.
And so we can't sit and judge our story
and what's going on in our life
to the person next to us, okay?
So just keep that in mind.
Are there videos in phase three or check-in?
So Maria, there are different types of sessions
for phase three.
Now, I don't believe that we do weekly stuff,
but there's always like loveseat,
there's all sorts of teachings and things like that
that will just, it's a lot of fun.
There's a lot of really good things.
So ladies, once you finish phase two coursework,
which typically takes about four to five weeks,
then once you've completed all the videos,
you've done that, then you get invited
to continue on to phase three
and lots of really good things will happen there as well.
So hopefully that answers your question.
Let's see, for those of you that don't know me,
I am Carla Johnson.
I know that some of you are new,
or maybe this is your first time coming in at one o'clock.
I am a success story.
I joined Jackie's group in late of 2020,
and it took me a couple years, a lot of work,
a lot of things that God had to reveal,
but eventually after a little bit over two years,
excuse me, I met my spirit mate
and we got married in September of 2023.
So I am a success story.
So I have been in the seat that you're in.
I had to experience all the growing and the learning,
the hard work, all of that stuff.
So I'm one of your coaches here in phase two,
so you'll see me replying and responding to your post
and also doing this one o'clock call with you, okay?
Awesome.
I think we got all that good stuff out of the way.
All right, so for today,
I'm gonna try to be as brief as possible
because I always find it's really nice
to hear what's going on in your ladies' lives
and what questions you have.
And I think a lot of times it just allows us
to unpack a lot of the stuff that's happening.
And I think we really gleaned from situations
that you all are experiencing,
because if you're experiencing,
chances are someone else is probably going
through the same thing or needs to hear
what you're going through, what outcomes you're having,
what breakthroughs you're having, maybe what struggles.
So it's always really, really helpful
to get vulnerable and share.
So I'm gonna try to get through some of this stuff
pretty quickly so we can kind of just open the floor
because I wanna hear from you ladies.
All right, so one thing that I've been noticing
in the group is that we're jumping on online dating,
which is awesome, okay?
Like I had to do online dating as well.
I did Facebook dating.
I had done online dating before this program.
That's where I met my youngest, my son's father.
So I get some of the stuff that we go through
with online dating.
And then when I got in this program,
I was a little reluctant to jump online, but I did it.
And I did Facebook dating.
And so it's great.
It's a great tool to kind of get practice.
Lots of people will meet people online.
Some people don't.
You just never know how God is gonna just bring you
your spirit mate, right?
Like we like to think we know how we want it to happen,
but typically God doesn't show up like that.
Like that's what happened with me.
So just remember that online dating is an awesome tool,
but it's not the only way that y'all can meet, okay?
Meet people.
So let's be thinking of some alternative ways
to meet men just besides the app.
So some things like meetups.
Like if you go to like meetup.com,
you can look at your area and find groups
that share some of your similar interests.
So maybe like you're into bowling or hiking or book clubs,
or I'm trying to think concerts, all sorts of things.
So it helps connect you with people
that have similar interests.
So I would suggest doing that.
Volunteering in your community is huge,
whether it's at your church
or just some other areas in your community.
Maybe if you love kids, like, I mean, I know it's summer now,
but maybe there's like a school that needs help
or something like that.
Because here's the thing,
you may do something like volunteer or do a meetup
and you might meet someone else
that might not be your spirit mate,
but they're gonna connect.
connect you to your spirit mate.
So sometimes it's all about just building relationships
with people in general, whether it's men or women,
and it's building relationship.
God created us for relationship, right?
So let's put that into practice.
Let's get comfortable with talking to strangers,
getting to know people, finding interest,
connecting with people,
because you never know how that will link
to your spirit mate.
I actually met my husband through one of my sisters
here in this community.
She didn't know him, but she saw his profile
and was like, hey, what do you think about this guy?
She reached out to him, not me.
Was like, hey, you need to meet my friend.
And then she kind of ghosted him
because she was busy being a travel nurse
and she was moving.
But he like went out on a limb and he reached out to me.
Like, he's like, am I supposed to like wait
for this lady to connect me,
or I'm just gonna go ahead
and just look like a crazy person.
And he did, so thankful for that.
But you just never know how God
is going to write your story, all right?
So don't just focus on the online dating,
find other ways, like do a combination.
Also, I want to emphasize,
I know we get really discouraged sometimes
with online dating, but here's the thing.
Most of these men don't have a program like we have, right?
Like we're getting coaching.
We're here to coach you through the dating process.
Most of these guys don't have that.
We kind of sometimes hit roadblocks
and frustration points, totally get it.
I can't tell you the countless guys
that I interacted with and I'm like, gosh, don't get it.
We want to practice grace,
but we also don't want to give up on the app
just because we joined an app in a week or two,
we're not getting the results that we hoped for.
Like give it some time.
I think Jackie even mentions in one of our videos
for phase two is really give it probably close
to three months on an app.
Now, if you are just after a month or so,
you're kind of finding like this may not be the app for you.
You're not getting connected with maybe people
in your demographic or in your area.
You can always try one or two others
and see which one's a better fit.
But ladies, I did Facebook dating
and I had weeks where it was a drought
and it was frustrating and it was discouraging
or I'd meet guys and they were just not,
those were when we say it's a yes until it's a no,
like a lot of these guys were just nos right off the bat.
And so it would get discouraging, but I just stuck with it.
I did what I could do.
I didn't work it like a job.
I really did try to fill my time with other things.
Now, it helped that I was a single mom
because I had a busy life, but I still made time for it.
And I had a schedule time sometimes for it as well.
But then there'd be weeks where it was like a flood
where I was getting all sorts of messages,
asked out on dates, setting up video calls
and doing that kind of stuff.
So keep that in mind.
But again, like I said before, I'm just gonna reiterate,
don't use online apps as your only source for getting out.
Start making connections with people.
Now, I joined this community in 2020.
We all know how that was.
So it was a little harder,
but eventually the world kind of started opening up
and I had to find ways to get myself out there
and it really did help.
So lots of other things you can do is take up lessons.
Maybe you wanted to learn how to golf.
Maybe you wanna do a cooking class.
Going to concert, like this is summertime
where a lot of people will,
there's a lot of events around towns,
like in parks and town centers and things like that.
So find events in your area.
And a lot of times you just do a Google search
if what's going on.
Facebook has a lot of that.
Like I'll click on events to see what's going on in my area
because I'm still pretty new to the area
that I live here with my husband.
So those are things to do.
And again, like I said, it's summer.
So do things that you love,
like take time to take care of you.
All the focus does not have to be on dating.
God really does wanna expand your life and upgrade.
So what are things that can add value to your life?
I know someone had mentioned in the chats
where they were just like struggling
at finding time and knowing what was fun
because they didn't really take time to do that.
And I related to that because I was a single mom.
And when people ask me like what kinds of things
they wanna do for fun.
I look like a deer in headlights.
And when I first started this program,
when I was asked, like, what do you do for fun?
And I'm like, I don't do anything.
My life is my kid.
And so it was hard.
And I really had to start taking time for myself,
letting my son go with friends and setting play dates
where he could go over to friends' houses
and going out and just doing things by myself
or connecting with a friend
and doing things with them without my child.
So I could start learning what things I enjoy.
So a lot of, for me, it was going to concert.
I love Christian music.
So that was always huge.
I would find friends that wanted to do that
and you couldn't take a toddler to concerts, you know?
It forced me to have to get out and do that.
And then just going to farmer's markets and getting out.
I lived in Florida, so I lived by the beach.
So sometimes it was just taking a friend and saying,
hey, let's leave our kids with so-and-so
and let's go to the beach together and just hang out.
So those are things like get comfortable
with finding things that you enjoy
that doesn't always revolve around dating
because you never know
where you can connect with your spirit mate.
And the last thing I want to touch on
before we open the floor here for you all is the process
and having the right attitude in this process.
Ladies, it is going to look different.
We're gonna get uncomfortable.
I remember God specifically told me
get comfortable with the uncomfortable.
And I'm still living it.
I'm married and I'm still living
with having to sometimes get uncomfortable
because it's the area of upgrade.
So it's doing things differently
and it's having the right attitude
and being willing to be teachable and coachable
and trying new things.
God really does want to reveal
some really awesome upgrades for you.
And so sometimes it's just having that right mindset.
So when it's discouraging,
when you don't feel like things are moving
in the way that you want them to,
it could take a few days or a few weeks.
I'm not saying for all of you,
it's gonna take two years like it did for me.
I know that no one wants to hear like two years,
you don't have to wait two years.
But I will tell you there was so much growth
in those two years before God brought me my husband.
And so just be open to having that mindset
that God is gonna do some really incredible things.
We just have to be open to those.
Look for the wins in your life.
What things are going well?
Like it might not be dating at this moment.
Maybe you're getting some debts,
but what things is God revealing to you that is a win?
Maybe it has to do with your job.
Maybe it has to do with relationships
with your family or friends.
Maybe it's if you're a parent,
maybe it's the relationships
that you have with your children.
Maybe it's the fact that you're winning
because now you are learning to have more fun
and you're finding things that you like.
Those can be all great things to celebrate.
And so just keep focused on what's going on in your life
and just trust that God will take care
of the outcome for you.
And just again, not compare yourself with others.
So with all that being said,
let's go ahead and open the floor up.
I wanna hear like what's going on in your life.
If you have celebrated,
like wanna celebrate some wins and some successes,
like what God's revealing to you.
If you have questions, if you have dating scenarios,
I will do my best to help you along with that.
And if I don't know,
we can always kind of process and see what unfolds.
So, all right, ladies, who wants to go first?
Maria, you're unmuted.
Do you wanna go?
Sure.
Awesome.
So I just wanna give an update
about what's going on in my relationship with Andrew.
So a couple of weeks ago,
I had come on here
and I had talked about how he had told me
he had a sex addiction
and I had encouraged him to go on the men's retreat
for my church, the church men's retreat.
And he had become friends with the youth pastor
and one of our pastors there.
And he did end up going on this retreat
and he said it was really good.
And he ended up joining like an accountability group
that they developed.
So a WhatsApp group.
So he, I guess, messages them a lot.
So he talks to like, they all like talk to each other
about like the struggles that they're going through.
Um, so, um, so yeah, so I mean, so he did follow up with that, and he, she shared other
things with me since then.
And I guess, I don't know, for whatever reason, um, like, I'm not stressed out about it like
I was initially, like, I feel like he is, um, working on, you know, his stuff.
And he's, you know, very good to me.
He's kind and everything, and my dad liked him, um, and, I mean, he does have some things
that concern me, and, uh, like, like, for example, we went to a, um, we went to visit
this church of Pastor Jonathan Kahn, I don't know if you've ever heard of him.
He wrote the book, The Harbinger, and they recently made it into a film a couple years
ago.
So we went to that church to go visit him.
And I ran into a woman that I'm friendly with.
Um, God always puts her in my path, and I just, I find her very funny because she's
just kind of odd and wacky.
And, um, and I just try to, like, show her love, you know, because, you know, we're supposed
to love people, even if, you know, even if we don't necessarily like them, you know.
And, um, and, and I invited her to come out to eat with us afterwards with, uh, my dad
and Andrew.
And, you know, they were, and she brought her girlfriend, so it was like her and somebody
else who was, like, a little off as well.
And, um, you know, they were, like, kind of hemming and hawing with the menu.
And Andrew was like, you know, don't worry, you know, I'll, you know, I'll cover you guys.
And, but my friend was like, oh, are you sure?
And then she was like, looking at the prices and she was like, and this, this was annoying
him.
So he, like, excused himself and he said he got up and he made, said a prayer and he came
back and like, he was like, but you could, he was aggravated.
Right.
So I was kind of distressed because this was happening in front of my dad.
And, but my dad like kind of, you know, commiserated with him and he like, my dad was like, you
know, they're horrible.
Like I understand why he was upset.
So, so yeah, so my dad liked him, like, uh, you know, I, I would have thought that that
would have been like, oh, he has an anger problem or whatever, but no, he, you know, he like
understood it.
I mean, I, I, I do wish he had like a little bit more patience, you know, cause I have
a lot of patients and, uh, that's probably why, you know, I, you know, I work in mental
health and whatever, cause I, you know, I do have those gifts and he doesn't, you know?
And so he seems to get exasperated pretty easily.
Um, and he knows that he needs to work on that and, um, you know, I am a little bit
worried about like social things.
Like I had asked him about, um, our meetup group is going to be doing a trip to New Hampshire
in the summer.
And I asked him if he would want to go and he doesn't want to go because he feels like
six days with these people, they'll get aggravated and, and I was like, well, so you won't have
an issue if I go, he's like, no.
So I mean, you know, I guess I can do stuff without him, but, um, you know, he, it seems
like he avoids situations so he doesn't, uh, you know, get upset.
So, um, yeah, so those are like, yeah, no, go ahead.
Yeah.
So that's, so that's like the one thing that I'm a little bit concerned about, but I do
see him like, you know, doing, doing things to try to work on himself and improve himself
and, um, you know, and of course nobody's perfect.
Right.
I mean, you know, but it would be nice if he felt like a little bit more like, uh, more
in control of his reactions with people, you know?
So, so let me, let me ask you, like, how often have you noticed that he doesn't have patience
with you?
Is this like something that's frequent?
Um, not, not with me so much.
It did happen one time when I was late and I was going to end it right there.
Cause I was just like, I'm not going to be like, you know, just like his impatience maybe
with you, but in general, like if you're out in public, is it frequent that he's struggles
with getting annoyed and frustrated?
Um, yeah, I mean, I've noticed it like once with me and then once with this woman on Friday,
Mm-hmm.
Um.
And he's talked to me about other situations where like, that was like something that
what's his. So when he talks about it, does he talk about things that he's actively
doing to help himself with that? Yes. So those examples, like what does he do
now that maybe he wasn't doing before? Because so what exactly is he doing to kind of
work on himself? And who is he going to to work on that area on himself?
Okay, well, he has the accountability group. And then after that,
now for the sex addiction, or also, it works always with just the sex addiction and other
areas that he's struggling with. Yeah, I think it's just in general,
like, because it's like men, men, like struggling with stuff, and then they have the WhatsApp group
to encourage each other. Right? So like, on Friday, after we went to see this pastor,
they had like a prayer room, and he went to the prayer room, and he asked for prayer about this,
because he had also shared about something that I think is possibly related to a demon, right?
And he had gone for deliverance, like a year ago, and he had done that process. And so I was like,
thinking, well, maybe you need to do it again. But then he went to prayer after this meeting
on Friday. And he had asked for prayer about this. And the person he was praying with,
had talked to him about the importance of repentance, right? And because he had had
an incident with a neighbor that he like, like, he didn't tell me exactly what he said,
but he had like a horrible argument with this neighbor, and that he felt that he needed to like
repent and also like apologize to this person. So, so that's like something that he's he's like
trying to make amends and like, try to fix things with this person, like in this particular instance
that he just had. So, so that those are the specific things that he's working on.
Okay. So, one thing that I will encourage is to be looking for, if he's getting the
accountability, is he starting to shift some of the behaviors? Like, is it actually working? Or
is he staying stuck in that area? Like that is something and we can, we can probably even,
and I can maybe get some more insight as well. Like I have, I have had experience
with being in relationships with people that have suffered addictions. It wasn't sex addiction,
it was drug and alcohol addiction. And so I do want you to be aware of some of the commonalities
that you're seeing with people that have addictions. So, I know that even Bethany has
shared that she has had her, her husband had some sex addiction, so she has some experience there.
My biggest, my biggest concern is that if he's sharing with you things that he is struggling
with, especially if he is struggling with impatience and maybe even some anger and some
outburst, maybe not being able to have that, that fruit of the spirit of self-control is that
they, it's very common for people that, that suffer with addiction is that they're going to
find someone that they can kind of connect with and share their struggles. And then that person
then feels it's their responsibility to help them with it. And then when you start seeing
these things come up and you bring it up, then there's some manipulation that can happen.
So I want you to be mindful because this is now what three or four weeks that we've been
talking about this guy and you keep bringing up some of the concerns. And so I don't want you
to neglect because again, you kind of said, well, not everybody's perfect, right? Not everybody is
perfect. We all have yellow flags, but is this a yellow flag or is this red turning or yellow
turning orange, turning red? So I just want you to keep that in mind. Like ladies, we are all
adult women here. We all can make our own choices. Again, this is your journey. There's things that
are going to be revealed to you. God is speaking to you and you might not be able to share all of
the things that God is sharing with you to us, but those are just things as a coach, like I just
want you to keep praying in.
to, and really asking God to reveal some things. Because again, in just learning, you know,
we want to give people chances, you know, things like that, but we also want to make sure that
we're creating healthy boundaries and we're not falling into unhealthy patterns from our past.
So I heard you say a couple of things that you were really stressed because all of this was
happening in front of your dad. So I want you to kind of maybe ask yourself, where was that fear
coming? What's being revealed to you there? What was your concern with that? And then the same
things like what concerns you have with someone that is maybe having some issues with being
impatient, like anger or control, because you know, this is a new relationship, right? You've
only been getting to know each other for a couple months. So just be clear. So, you know, typically,
you know, I think we all probably can share, like, we always want to put our best foot forward in the
first couple months. And then as you get to know people, like you, you see little, like everybody
has yellow flags of things, but I just want to make sure that you're not neglecting things that
might not be yellow, but they might be orange or red. Okay. Okay. Yep. Awesome. But thank you for
sharing. I know sometimes it's hard ladies to come in here and being vulnerable and sharing the stuff,
but this is where we get growth. This is where we, you know, learn things and get different
perspectives. We're here to help you see blind spots if there's blind spots, but at the end of
the day, ladies, like you are all grown women, you're going to make your choices. God has,
he knows your choices. He knows the journey he wants to take you on. Okay.
Thank you, Maria. All right. What's up Heather? You're new, right?
You're muted. Yeah, I'm new-ish. New-ish. I love it.
So the situation that I'm having with the guy, we've been talking for about a month now.
I met him on Facebook dating. Okay. And the cool thing about it is that he remembers me from when
we both went to college like six years ago. I don't remember him at all. So now he's up in Fairbanks,
which is about a six-hour drive getting his master's degree. So the thing that I'm struggling
with is I am like, I've been in this whole dating game for two or three years now, and I'm much more
used to guys taking me out on a date faster than a month of talking. And
I've been staying in prayer about it, and I feel like God really wants me to be patient about it.
But he's also not great at communication. Okay. How so? Well, I may only hear from him every two
to three days. Okay. And sometimes it's very short communication. He doesn't ask me any questions. I
feel like I'm the one initiating a lot and asking the questions and trying to get to know him.
And so I've also done dating coaching before this program. And so I've been trying to use a lot of
the techniques that I learned in that to get him to open up, to emotionally connect. What are some
of those techniques? Well, one of them is encouraging him to call you instead of just
texting constantly. So if he continues to text you a lot, just say, hey, I'm busy right now,
but I'm free at this time tomorrow, so call me. Just straight up encouraging them without being
criticizing. And he's not picking up any of those cues. Let me ask you. So yes, I love that.
Sometimes I like, have you suggested video calls? Have you done any video call?
No, that's what I'm saying is I feel it's really hard to get them on the phone.
Can you just say, hey, I really enjoy getting to know you. I would love to have a video call
with you so we can see each other face to face. I'm free Friday at this time and Saturday at
this time. Which one works best for you? Maybe I need to just be straight up about it.
up there, give them two choices and be like, which one works for you.
And it's sometimes it's that like initiating that dropping the hanky.
Like now what I will say is after doing that once we want
that reciprocating of dating.
You, we don't want you ladies getting stuck to always initiating everything.
It needs to be reciprocated so you can put it out there like, Hey, I really
want to get on the phone or like on a video, we, I really encourage you
ladies to get on video calls.
100%.
I guess, how do I tell the difference between he's actually busy, but he's
still interested or he's just using his busyness as an excuse to not move things
forward that here's the thing with long distance, cause this is a long distance
thing and I had experienced long distance too, with my husband, when they're
interested, they will make time even when they're busy, they will.
So I would say initiate and let him pick up that it's that dropping
the hanky, let him pick it up.
Okay.
Throw it out there.
Hey, I really would like to get to know you better.
Let's take this on a video call and see each other face to face.
Cause you said, was this Facebook dating?
Okay.
Cause you can still not be friends on Facebook, but if you're doing through
messenger, you can video chat through messenger without having to be friends
with somebody on Facebook.
Cause that's what I did.
I didn't accept friend requests, but I did Facebook dating and you can still
message through messenger and there's a video chat feature or you can use zoom.
So throw it out there, give him two times, two days.
And if he's like, Oh no, neither of those times work for me.
Okay.
Well, what time does work for you?
What day and time works for you?
Because if he's interested, he's going to make the effort.
And then when you're faced, like you're not face to face in person, but you're
going to be able to see eye contact.
Smile.
Is he engaged?
Is he on, like, is he looking at the computer or is he just kind of like
looking off as he walking around with his phone, like doing other things?
Like that happened to me with guys when I was like doing video calls.
I'm like, dude, like you're going to scrub your t-shirt and whatever.
Like, again, I, you give grace because these guys don't have coaches, but you're
going to start seeing that initiation.
And then if you have the video call and you had an enjoyable time, you had good
conversation and you, you want to continue, you want to do it again, say it.
Ladies, we have to communicate.
This was really fun.
I had a great time.
Let's do this again.
Then let them initiate the second meetup, whether it's video or in-person, but we
don't, we don't encourage y'all to do a lot of texting and phone calls, like get
video or in-person as soon as possible when it's long, long distance, it's
important, at least within six weeks, getting the in-person if it's possible.
Cause let me tell you ladies, when it's long distance and these guys are
interested and they really have the three M's where they're masculine,
mature, and marriage minded, they're going to make the efforts.
My husband and I, we were messaging back and forth for about three weeks.
And within three weeks, he came to Florida to visit me.
He actually worked in Florida, but then he rearranged his work schedule because
the weekend that he was going to be here, I had my son because I only
had my son every other weekend.
Well, I had him all the time, but he went with his biological
father every other weekend.
And so the weekend, my husband was coming to visit.
I had my son that weekend and we were going to a working country concert,
like two hours away in Orlando.
It was around Christmas time.
Like I wanted to do Christmasy things with him.
My husband changed his flights so that he could be there weekend prior.
And then the weekend after that, he broke up his trip because he, he was interested.
Now we didn't do a video call.
We just did like phone call and messaging, but he was interested
in getting to know me and he made that effort.
Okay.
Now I'm not saying like all these guys is going to click that way.
Cause again, we want to give grace, but we do like throw the
hankies out there, drop those hankies.
Give them an option, show them that, Hey, I want to see your face.
And then let them reciprocate.
And what I will also encourage is ladies, when we're interacting with one person,
we don't want to put all of our focus on that one person still be making sure.
And Heather.
who might be doing this.
Still on the internet meeting people,
getting to know people, things like that.
Don't just like stop with that.
It's really just get to know so that
we don't fall in this habit of overthinking things
and thinking, you know, getting anxious
and stressed out about this one person
because we've got a couple of different people.
So Heather, I hope that helps.
Is there anything else that you wanna share or ask?
No, that pretty much covered it.
I will tell him that, what you told me to tell him
and see what happens.
Throw it out there, just lay it on the table.
And I think Diane, I see you on here.
Are you free to chat?
Cause ladies, Diane, I would love for you to share
with the ladies kind of your experience
because she's doing just that.
Like she's getting to know a guy,
but then she's also keeping the doors open
and getting to know a couple.
And it's just been a really awesome process
to see her work through.
And her attitude has been, you know, incredible to watch.
And I think that you ladies could probably glean
from some of her experience.
And Diane, if you wanna just share
kind of what you've experienced,
maybe some of the struggles that you've even had
and how you've overcome those
and some of the positives that have come from that.
Do you mind doing that?
No, not at all, not at all.
Cause it's an up and down rollercoaster, right?
Always.
I am on Facebook dating
and I have hit the seven dates in three months,
which honestly I thought was gonna be really hard.
But when I kind of let it go and said,
I'm not looking for my husband on the first date,
I'm literally trying to learn myself on dating
and how to flirt.
Like that is where I've had to stay
cause I've had so many boring phone conversations
or even like one of the dates was horrible.
Like I just, 45 minutes, I was like, thank God it's over.
But I also really started to connect
with this one gentleman, Curtis, super great guy,
took the lead, was great with a video call,
immediately asked me out, fun things.
But then our faith ended up
being really drastically different.
And so for me, it was also a change
to have not already been kissing and such,
but it made it easier to walk away.
I met Rudy through friends and that's who I'm dating,
but I'm trying to not go all in.
And as a result, I'm still on Facebook dating,
still interacting, still messaging.
And let's be honest,
I feel like for every 10 guys that messages me,
one of them might be able to hold a conversation, right?
Some of them say inappropriate things
or they just say, hey, and I write back, hey,
and usually never hear again.
So I'm trying to just match that energy
and not get hung up on their profile photos.
Cause I'll be honest, the first time I saw Curtis
or even Travis in person, I was like blown away.
They were so much better looking than their photos.
In the past, I would have definitely cruised by Travis.
I wouldn't have even given him a heartbeat
cause his photos were so bad.
And then Rudy I've met in person,
so it's a little different,
but it's by staying on Facebook dating for me
has kept me from obsessing or wondering
how often he's gonna text.
Cause truthfully, keeping up with Facebook dating
and my own job and my own kiddo,
I don't have the bandwidth.
Half the time I pick up my phone and I'm like,
oh, there's a message from him and it's an hour ago.
And I like that.
Whereas I feel like the before me
would have been right on it.
So I guess it's helping with anxiety too, so.
Yes, all good things, ladies.
I am just gonna touch on a lot of great things
that she shared so that way we get a second dose of it.
Cause there's, I mean, Diane, thank you so much
because you hit on so many great things
that I really want you ladies to take note here
and take some time and meditate, pray on some energy
with these things and ask yourself
if like how you can apply this stuff
with what you ladies are experiencing.
So one thing that I love that she said is that
she told herself she's not looking for a husband
on the first date.
I am guilty before this program
and even in the beginning of this program,
I was focusing on every day, is this guy my husband?
Like, what do I like about him?
Can I live with it?
Like, I'm an anxious attachment, okay?
And if you've done the attachment style quizzes,
like, and you're an anxious like I was,
like, you probably fall in this category
where, you know, we're looking at, you know,
can I see myself like marrying this person?
Like, and what she's saying is she's not doing that.
She literally took that completely off the table
and is focusing on just getting to know these guys.
And so another thing that she pointed out
is that she was not kissing,
not having like physical contact with these guys
that she's dating, okay?
Now we all have our own boundaries here.
This was important for me as well,
was not kissing guys that I was not against.
Exclusive with now, I would give them hugs. Like I wouldn't give them like full-body hugs
Like if I was saying goodbye, like hey had a great date you give a hug. Maybe you do the side hug sort of thing
so that's huge because
For me and I'm sure Diane that was probably different for you
Like you like this was a whole new concept for you, but you will probably see the positive to it. Is that you're not
Really
Connecting on such a physical level that's really drawing you to stay in
Contact like I I know for myself
When I started getting physical and the kissing and stuff like to me that meant I was in a relationship with them
So it was very hard for me
Like if things then started like red flags started coming up or yellow flags started coming up. I would ignore it
and then I would just find myself and just really unhealthy relationships because by then like my
my heart was in it because
Physical boundaries was a thing for me. So I like that. She brought up that
I also want to point out one thing that she said as well ladies and you're probably going to experience this if you're doing
Online dating is one out of every ten guys
Was probably like able to hold a conversation
It's a big pool like online dating is just a big pool of guys and one thing that when I was in this group
And dating before I met my husband one of my other sisters in this community
like she had to break it down for me and she's like it's almost like
In business like you have to go through a lot of nose to get to like one. Maybe or yes, so
Just knowing that a no is leading you to a yes
That there are going to be some times where it's just a no it's a no it's a no and it's gonna feel like you're
Not making traction, but then when one comes up and you're like, oh
This guy seems interesting. It's
Then that's a good thing
Okay
Like you're not like every guy that you come in contact with is not gonna communicate
well, it's not you know, just know that
It's not always every person you're gonna talk to is gonna be like the success like
Yay, like I'm so excited to talk to this guy. Just be prepared for
The ups and the downs of it. There's growth in that and then what I had to learn was
to celebrate
when those things came up I
celebrated my
Mindset and how I wasn't going after the guys that were the no or not showing me, you know attention or was
you know, maybe he was good-looking, but he just
was a jerk or something or just being inappropriate so I
Before I would just well this guy's giving me attention
so I might as well just give my attention to him as well and I
Started realizing like what my value and worth was and
So those were things to be celebrated because God was kind of showing me how far I had come
From my old self and the growth that I had in this group. So keep that in mind
I also like that you were sharing about not getting hung up on the photos
because when you meet them in person like they look different like
How many of you?
It's it kind of goes both ways like being photogenic or not photogenic
Like you see people that are very photogenic and then you meet them in person
You're like whoa, or you know, they're not photogenic and you meet them in person like wow, so don't get hung up on the profile photos
again, some of these guys just don't know how to like
Take a photo
like I know we've even talked and coached you ladies through like how to hold the camera and the angles that look good on you and
Colors and I mean there's a lot that goes into a good photo. Like I always have like this is my best side
I don't like taking photos this way like I have to take photos this way
So it's it's learning all those things and I just think women are better at it than men
So not getting hung up on the photos. That was the way with my husband
He had great things like my friend
Screenshotted all his photos and profile like things that he shared about himself and he said amazing things that just aligned with what I was looking
for then I looked through his photos and I was like
Like he was a decent looking guy in his photos
But I was just like he's just not like my type and what I'm looking for
Like I didn't find myself physically attracted to my husband at first like and I kind of joke with him now
But when I met him in person
There was just something else about him that I was attracted to and it wasn't just his looks
There were so many other things. It was how he carried himself. It was how he was intentional
with me. It was the fact that he respects my boundaries. Like all of those things came to
surface. Like all the great things and good qualities that, you know, when your looks fade,
it's about the heart. Like how, like how is this guy's heart? And so God really allowed me to see
that. So I want to highlight that as well. And then Diane also shared about, you know,
she's still staying on Facebook dating. Things didn't work out with Curtis. She's still getting
to know Rudy, but she's still on Facebook dating because she's seeing that because of that,
she's not obsessing about someone that she's not in an exclusive level three relationship with.
Ladies, we really want to get to know guys and it's okay to stay in that level two
relationship for months and just getting to know them, getting to know other people, seeing what,
you know, what you like about them, what you don't like, you learn things about yourself,
you get, you know, opportunity to upgrade yourself as well. And then when you step into that level
three, then that's when it's like, okay, you don't have to be looking anymore. You can take
yourself off the app. Okay. We don't want to have, not everybody's going to rush into a level
three relationship. A lot of times when you do that, you are, it's either supernatural
and it's, you know, God anointed, supernatural. And then a lot of times like that's a small
percentage, but then there's other times if you're jumping into a relationship very, very quickly,
it can be very toxic. So we want to make sure that we're taking time to get to know people.
Now, what I will say, if it's supernatural, it you'll, you'll recognize it like, you know,
going to God with it, getting those confirmations and, and get, you know, getting feedback from,
you know, solid people in your community, whether it's your church or pastors or, you know,
your spiritual friends, things like of that nature as well. Okay. So, okay. I think there's
a couple of questions in the chat. So I'm going to go through there. If anybody has another question
that they didn't put in the chat, go ahead and raise your hand, but I'm going to read through
a few of these. So Melissa, she says she's it's she finds it hard to find a masculine mature man.
I'm finding that men that want a traditional woman such as myself expect me to be the breadwinner,
but although I'm successful on my own, I have no desire to be the breadwinner in a dating marriage
relationship. Question, how to screen for dingy men who say they want a traditional feminine woman,
but do not want to invest financially, emotionally, et cetera, such in such a woman.
Also, even men that have a lot to offer invest can be stingy too. It's a heart and action thing
in my view, just to be clear. Melissa, are you on here right now? Are you here with us?
Melissa, are you able to unmute?
Yes, I'm sorry. I was in the middle of something. Yes, I know. That's good.
So explain to me, like what, what are you running into? So you're saying like men want
a traditional women, like explain that. What do you mean by a traditional woman?
I think maybe a better word would be like a feminine woman, a woman that, and you know,
I'm very feminine. I operate in my masculine a lot because I'm successful in my career,
but I really am not a career woman. I'm just doing that because that's what I have to do right now.
You know what I mean? And I would really like to be, you know, just a wife and a stay at home mom,
God willing, if that's in the cards and I don't know. But so what I find is that, and I think
part of it may be sort of the manosphere, you know, some of the messaging that they're getting,
where it's kind of like, Oh, you know, there's so many like weird advice videos that they're
getting. And so it's sort of convoluted. So what I find is that like, I'll be like,
there'll be like, like, for example, recently, this guy was like, Oh man, I love your energy.
And it's like feminine energy. And I'm like, that's great. But then he's like, Oh, well,
let's split the bill. And I'm losing all attraction, or he was even going to let me
ask me to pay for him on something. I was like, um, why don't we split it? Because at least in
that way, you know, I was like, and I finally just told him like, you know, I don't feel feminine
when I pay my own way. And I would really appreciate it. If you would, um, if you would
pay, and again, it's your choice, you know, and so he did pay to that. I love that. I love that
you communicated like, Hey, I feel less feminine. And I would appreciate it. If you did this,
what, how did he respond to that? Well, he was, I think, calculating in his head,
his budget, because he tends, he's in kind of dire straits economically. And I think that,
you know, I've been
I have space for someone that is, you know, it, to me, it's more about the character,
like if they're, and maybe they're, you know, they've had a struggle, you know, so far,
but if they're on a good path, I have space for that.
But what I don't have space for is someone that is not a masculine, generous provider.
And again, when I say that, I don't mean he has to be rich.
I just mean he has to want to provide, even if it's like something basic, like, oh, I
can, you know, he invited me to eat.
And then it's like, oh, why don't we split the bill?
And I'm like, and then he was like, asked me, do you want to split the bill?
And I said, No, I do not.
And I told him why, like I said, and so how he responded was, he said, he said, like,
he really thought about it.
And he could tell I was serious.
I wasn't mean, I was very kind about it, very clear.
And so he then offered, and then he paid.
And I just looked at him.
And I said, you know, thank you so much.
I really appreciate it.
And so then later, he was like, you know, this was a good investment.
It's not like later, he said that, but there were so many other things going on there.
But I find that and maybe it's just a generational thing, like he is in his late 30s.
But I just, I find that there's this expectation that we go 5050.
And I find that so incredibly unattractive.
Like, I like my all of my attraction, it like, it like, it like, it went below zero,
it was like in the negative after, after more than once of that, you know, and so I guess,
but see, here's the thing, I'm not attracted to like, significantly older men.
You know what I mean?
And so
Yes, I get it.
So the you brought up a lot of good things.
And I was really reminded of a lot of the things that I even experienced with that I,
I do encourage you ladies to step in your feminine and allow men to pay for you.
If they're able.
Now, I want to share that in a sense that we understand and Melissa, it sounds like
you have a really good head on your shoulder.
And I think you're being really open minded about this.
And like, I heard a lot of really good things that you said that I, I really, I really appreciate
that you bring this to the table, because we want to be mindful that yes, we want men
to provide and pay like I was the same way.
And that was difficult for me as well, because I always offered to like split the bill, because
that's kind of like the society that I feel like we're kind of growing, like we, like
I grew up in, in my 20s and 30s.
And like, I started this, you know, group and program with Jackie in my late 30s.
And I was a single mom.
So like, I couldn't afford a lot of that stuff.
And so I had to learn how to accept men's provision that way.
And it really does, it really is a way that men can step up and be a provider.
But I was also mindful that not all men are in a financial situation where they can do
that.
And I even experienced with my husband, like, he he did have a good paying job, and he could
provide that stuff.
And he also shared with, you know, how expensive it is for men to date.
So if they're trying to date and look, you know, they're, they want marriage, and they're
really investing time into dating, it can be pricey.
But he also was aware that if, and it wasn't a situation for him, but I've heard other
men where they know what their financial situation is.
So if finances is an issue, it's okay to offer to offer a date that one costs nothing.
You can go on a hike, a walk, all there's, there's lots of, you know, a free concert
in the park, all sorts of different type of things, or, you know, going and get ice cream
going and grabbing a coffee, like there's ways to do it inexpensive in the first couple
meetings, it doesn't always have to be, you know, a lunch or dinner.
Or even a fancy dinner, you know, and so it's just watching these guys and giving them
the opportunity and seeing like, I I'm on board with like, what you're saying, where,
you know, I also wanted to be this, I even had this conversation with Jackie on my discovery
call with her the first time is that I felt guilty for wanting to be a stay at home mom
and a housewife.
And I felt like that was looked down upon.
And one thing that she told me, she's like, don't feel bad about that at all.
Like if that's your heart's desire and that's what God's putting on your heart and that's
for you, like that is not a negative thing.
And there were a lot of men that I met.
They didn't want that.
They wanted a woman that was successful.
I was a school teacher and I left that job to just be a waitress.
And I had guys not want to go on dates with me because I was a waitress.
And that was fine.
They weren't for me.
You know what?
Sometimes it's dumb.
Like it sometimes really messed with me, but I kept my focus on God and I was like, Nope,
I'm God defended.
That person's not for me.
I want someone that's going to appreciate me.
And one thing when I shared with my husband, when we were dating that I wanted an opportunity
to stay home with my kids and to be a housewife, he left at that.
And it was like, we were a perfect match and there were so many other things.
So I like that you're setting good boundaries and ladies, you're not going to find, you're
not always going to be able to tell how they manage their money on a first, like on one
date.
But those are things that would, could be a yellow flag.
So if you decide that you do want to go on a second date with someone, like if this guy,
you decided maybe give him a second date is to be mindful, like, is he doing that again?
Is he offering to pay like now that he knows what your boundary is and maybe he's suggesting
a date that isn't going to be expensive so that he can still spend time with you and
it doesn't have to, he doesn't have to get into his wallet.
It's watching and seeing how they manage their money.
One thing that I used to tell girlfriends of mine, I had one friend that she did not
want to date anybody that didn't make good money.
And I remember telling her, well, I would much rather date a man that's maybe making
only like, let's just say $50,000 a year, but he budgets and manages his money and he's
only spending maybe $40,000 a year because that tells me he's, he's keeping $10,000 a
year in savings.
To me, that's good money management as opposed to somebody that maybe is making $250,000
a year, but he's spending money.
He's spending half a million dollars a year.
Now he's $250,000 in debt.
I don't, it's not sometimes about how much money they're making.
It's about what is their behavior with money.
And ladies, you're not going to see that in the first date.
Now you can get glimmers of this, like if he was uncomfortable and then you maybe decided
to go on a second date and you're realizing like this guy just isn't in a position to
be able to provide, or he's moving in that direction.
Like I know, you know, when you, you may come across men that are divorced and maybe they
had, they have debts from their divorce and child support and things like that, but they're
making progress and they're showing a maturity on how they're looking at that situation.
And again, like that's kind of a deep dive that you wouldn't necessarily find out about
them on a first or second date.
It might take a little bit of time.
So I love that that is important to you because that was the same way for me.
Like I worked hard because I was a single mom and I busted my butt waiting tables to
make really good money.
I didn't have debt.
I had money in savings, but I didn't want to stay there.
Like I really wanted to enjoy to be home with my kids and also spend time with my husband
and like provide a home for my family.
And that was, that was important to me.
And that's not every woman, but that was me.
So I relate to you in that sense.
Yeah.
You know, obviously you thanked him and he said, well, that was a good investment.
I mean, he's probably just uncomfortable.
It would be my guess is that he was probably a little embarrassed.
And you know, if you decide like if it was a complete no, like don't feel like you have
to go on a second date, but if you'd be open to just be looking out for those types of
things, hopefully that kind of helps.
And ladies, I think it's important for us to be reminded of that because yes, masculine
men will naturally, the divine masculine is to provide.
And sometimes it's not just a financial provision, but it is a emotional provision.
Like there's all sorts of things that men can do to be providers.
So I mean, I experienced that with my husband.
Now my husband made decent money, so I could be a stay at home mom and a wife and I homeschooled
our kids.
We did that for a year.
It's not for me.
We decided to put our kids in school next year, but then he, some things happened with
his job and he had to walk away.
And now he's starting from scratch and is an entrepreneur and is doing his own business.
And you know, ladies, like I'll be candid with you.
We are like, he's not making the money that he did before.
And we're really having to budget and manage our finances.
a lot differently than what I had anticipated.
So just know that when you get to know somebody
or you're getting in a relationship with somebody,
there can be all sorts of ups and downs.
Like finances can go high and can go low.
And it's how that person is communicating with you.
It's how you work together.
There's all sorts of things.
And so it's not just looking at like that,
but knowing like, how else are they providing for you?
But I do think, Melissa, you bring up a good point.
Like, I think it's important for us to know
that as women, it's okay for men to provide,
especially when you're on these dates.
Like it's nice to be cared for.
It's nice to be taken out.
But we don't have to have expectations
for them to take us to fancy restaurants.
And I'm not saying that, Melissa,
that that's what you're doing.
But I think this is good thing for everybody to hear.
So I really appreciate that you brought this up.
Is there anything else that you want to add to that, Melissa?
I just want to say thank you so much.
Oh, I can't hear you.
Oh, how about now?
Can you hear me?
A little better.
It's a little soft,
but I can always turn my volume up a little bit.
Are you away from your microphone?
I think I'm right by it, actually.
Okay, that's better.
I just wanted to say thank you so much, Carla,
and for your kind and encouraging words.
And yeah, I just, I really, I appreciate what you said.
I think that it's on point.
And, you know, to me, it's about the man's character.
You know what I mean?
If I can trust his heart and his character,
and like, I just, I find that,
and especially with so much fatherlessness,
there's not a lot of good modeling.
And so I just don't want to be,
I just don't want to be the man in the relationship.
So everything you said is on point.
And I think the other thing too,
is I found that I wasn't able to feel safe
or respected or rest in my feminine,
because I honestly started to feel like,
wait, I think he might've been a bit of a male gold digger,
to be honest with you,
because of some of the questions,
social questions he asked me, like, what is your salary?
Oh, I see that you have this type of credit card.
Oh, I mean, it was just like very inappropriate.
And so.
That, yeah.
Now that you say that 100%,
like, if that, again, ladies, if it's a yes,
it's a yes until it's a no.
And those can be things that are just no.
If you know that you're not comfortable with it,
I think on a first date,
I wouldn't have been comfortable with that.
Ladies, men should not be asking you your salary
and should be making comments on that.
I mean, yes, we give them grace.
They may not know better, but yeah.
I mean, I teach my children.
You don't ask people how much they make.
What's that, Melissa?
I think it was alarming.
It was alarming to be asked that.
And of course I said,
I am not gonna tell you my salary, and I didn't.
But that's the other thing I find is especially like,
if you're a successful woman
and like a guy hasn't really been successful on his own,
sometimes they're looking for a come up.
And that's something that I'm more cognizant of now,
just to be aware of that.
Because then he was also like,
oh, tell me about your living situation.
It was like, he was like,
oh, tell me about your living situation.
It was like, he was assessing my,
what I have to offer.
And I'm like, sir, what are you bringing to the table?
Like, please tell me what you are offering here because,
and I did end it, but I think that that's my concern.
And then I saw another situation
that seemed like it would be going down a similar road
and I didn't even go down the road.
Yeah.
This is looking similar.
And so I don't wanna cut everything off,
but that's kind of why I'm saying,
how do I vet these guys?
But like you said, Carlyann, it just may take time
because this guy recently, he was like,
he was even like,
yeah, I've just been goofing off with my finances.
I'm like, sir, you're in your late thirties,
like goofing off in your finances
is not the phrase you wanna be saying, like even recently.
So anyway, yeah, all of that said,
I do appreciate it, Carlyann, and thank you so much.
Absolutely, you are welcome.
You are so welcome.
Okay, Isabel, I see your hand.
Jenna also has a question in the comments.
I'm not sure if there's any more questions.
We are past time right now.
So if you need to get off, by all means, you can get off.
I don't wanna hold you hostage.
I wanna be mindful of your time.
So if you need to jump off, that's totally fine.
I'm gonna stay on and go through Jenna's question
and Isabel, I'll take your question as well.
But if you wanna stay on, you're more than welcome to,
to go through those two questions.
But if you have to go, by all means, go ahead.
Isabel, is Jenna on here?
I'm gonna make sure you are.
Yeah, I am on, yeah.
Are you able to stay?
a little bit and Isabel are you able to stay?
Yes I'm good to stay. Okay I'm going to read through Jenna's first and then
Isabel I'll take you okay?
All right so Jenna she says I have a question I just got out of a short
one week long relationship with a guy who was an
oversharer. I'm like I was an oversharer too so I totally get that.
He would want to talk for five to seven hours a day we are both
currently unemployed. I found out through mutual friends that he
had a major anger issue and also narcissistic tendencies. I broke
off the relationship because there were too many red flags.
I have a ministry degree and it often feels like guys want to talk to me more
as a pastor or fellow pastor than as someone
or a fellow pastor as someone that they are interested in. How do I navigate the
oversharers or intellectual guys that like to talk a lot? Okay good
question. So Jenna first off my question is
when you say you were in this week-long relationship like
it was exclusive for a week like did you get to know each other
prior and then you got in a relationship and then that only lasted a week before
or it was you met and were in relationship for just that first week?
Can you help me? Yeah we actually met through Facebook. He
sent me a friend request and so it was kind of an
exclusive like it kind of took off before I even knew what was happening
kind of thing just because of this guy's personality and
yeah he very because he had been previously divorced and had been broken
up with two or three other times he
basically dumped everything all of his highs lows
mediums the whole the whole nine yards but I
also found out that he had lied to me about
two fairly significant events and I also found out through mutual
friends that he had some pretty big issues especially
when it came to women like he even when he would talk he would not
say anything positive except for anybody except for his spiritual
mother that was a woman like negative stuff to say about everyone and so
yeah so okay
yeah sorry I'm just I'm I'm writing a few things down because I
didn't want to miss everything that you said
okay so you so you're wanting to know how to navigate
some of these types of things so yeah
I will encourage you ladies do not just jump all in with a person
right when you first first meet so Jenna
one way that we can navigate through that is actually taking time just to get
to know a person and you this is your first week in phase
two correct yeah okay so yeah
as you watch the videos a lot of this will kind of
unpack itself and I think you're going to get some really good pointers
with how to navigate different dating a little bit differently than maybe we've
done in the past because I was an overshare I typically
got in a relationship with people that were over shares as soon as I met them
and went on a first date it was like they were my boyfriend
like I say this having that experience like I have
been there one thing that you will learn through this phase especially
is actually taking time to get to know people kind of
on a easy breezy kind of level like that surface
level not deep diving and finding ways to
kind of create those boundaries and also being able to redirect people
that might want to overshare or maybe they ask you
questions that seems like a little intrusive or like if you've been
like for example if you've been divorced
or in past long-term relationships like I had it I had a child
I was never married so a lot of people want to be like well what went wrong in
that relationship that's kind of personal like you're not
going to want to share personal information with a complete
stranger that you really don't know so it's really taking
time getting to know someone on the surface
what do they like you can talk about your job
things that they enjoy doing how they like what their relationships
are like with their family like positive things
about them and really having that level two relationship so
you'll learn in this phase that we Jackie will break it down into like levels of
dating there's level one which is just kind of whoever you are
in with in community and then level two is
you are
interested in getting to know more about a person.
So this can be men and women.
So maybe you're making new friends that are, you know,
like myself, like I moved to a new area.
I don't know a lot of women.
I don't have a lot of girlfriends.
I have my husband and our family and his family,
but I don't have any girlfriends.
And so I had to start, you know,
putting myself out there and getting to know people
and building these level two relationships
and be like, I really find this person interesting.
I want to get to know them better.
So, you know, having, you know, ladies ask me,
oh, you know, let's go out to coffee.
I was in a homeschool co-op.
Some of the women wanted to get to know me better.
My son's baseball team.
Those level two relationships are,
you find something interesting about them.
You're intrigued by them.
You want to get to know them better.
So that's that level two.
And this is where we encourage you ladies in your dating,
that you have a couple people that you're getting to know
as far as like men go.
So it's just,
you're really just trying to keep things surface.
You don't want to jump into a level three
exclusive relationship right away.
Typically there will happen.
Like when that happens,
you'll see a lot of that trauma bonding,
which is they're going to dump all their stuff.
They're going to ask you to kind of share
some of their stuff.
And then all of a sudden you're kind of like,
you're making connections.
Like you've gotten to know a deep part of their life
and they know a deep part of your life.
And you really still are strangers
getting to know each other.
So, and to kind of navigate that,
it is really learning boundaries.
And so that is in one of our videos,
like ways that you can redirect a question.
So if they're asking you,
oh, well tell me about your divorce
or your past relationship and what went wrong.
The way that you can navigate through that and be like,
that's a really good question.
And right now I just want to get to know you
and maybe in the future, depending on how far this goes,
we can address that conversation on another day.
Let's just get to know each other a little better
about what things interest you
and then redirect with a new question.
Hey, what's your favorite movie?
Why do you like it?
What type of genre of movies do you tend to gravitate to?
And find something kind of light and fun to talk about.
Those are things that I would share
as far as kind of navigating,
kind of going into those types of relationships.
Again, five to seven hours of talking each day.
That's exhausting.
I don't know about you ladies,
but that would be super exhausting.
And I can only imagine.
So, and then as far as like the question that you had about,
if you have this ministry
and people typically want to talk to you
about that kind of stuff,
I don't have a lot of experience there,
but I can probably share,
like get some feedback from Bethany
because she's obviously in ministry as well,
as well as Jackie.
So they might be able to give a little more insight
to that type of question.
So, and then the same thing with Renee,
I think she's got a more experience with that as well.
So, I am gonna encourage you maybe to throw that question
up in the Facebook group
and then I can connect with Bethany and Renee and Jackie
and maybe they'll have some pointers
about how to navigate that.
I just don't have experience with it.
So I don't want to give you any advice
that maybe it's not the best advice.
Okay, no, that'd be great.
Awesome.
Is there anything else that you have to share or?
No, I think that's mostly the only thing.
I seem to end up with very intellectual guys
who want to have like theological debates and stuff.
And so it gets a lot.
Yeah, I get that.
I totally get that.
But just again, it's that redirecting
maybe to some more fun lighthearted type of conversation
to be like, this is a great conversation.
Maybe we can address this on a later time
but I really just want to get to know
like what you like the most,
like your favorite movies, your favorite activities,
like what are some of your favorite vacations
you've been on?
Do you like to travel?
Things of those natures
or things that like you are intrigued by in a person.
Like, do you want someone that likes to travel
because you like to travel?
Do you like trying fun new restaurants
and you're hoping that your person
will also share that same interest?
It's finding those types of questions
to kind of redirect the conversation
so you don't go down that road of just like oversharing,
maybe getting into those theological.
discussions that can get pretty, you know, heated. One thing I did find with this guy was that he
could take all of those lighthearted questions and go deep with all of them. Like me.
I'm just like, oh, seriously, like it was. It's just again, it's just kindly like redirecting
and then then that might be the no, like if you're finding that you're redirecting,
redirecting and it's exhausting. Like you can say, look, it's been great knowing you. I just,
this isn't going to go anywhere for me. If they are really great guy and they love Jesus
and they want marriage, like bring them to our community. We have 18. I tried.
And that's all you can do ladies. You can throw it out there, pass, pass the real, let them decide
if they want to, if they want to hook on it or not. Like that's all we can do given the
information, if they want it great. If they're, if they don't, maybe they get offended by it.
I tried to do that with one guy I dated. He didn't take it. I think he was upset that I,
you know, ended the, the dating with him after a couple of dates. But again, I, you can't hold
those types of things personal, right? No. So awesome. Okay. I want to get to Isabelle's
question and then I will jump off and we, and then don't forget ladies that we have the eight
o'clock session tonight. That's also with phase three it's with Jackie on the love seat. So if
you can make that eight o'clock Eastern, the link will be in our phase two group. So make sure that
you look in there. I believe Renee, or I think it was Renee that posted. If not Renee, then it's
Cheryl. Isabelle, what do you have for us? You're welcome. So I live in Asheville, North Carolina,
and the dating scene is rough. There's actually news articles about it. It's pretty bad. I did
talk to Renee briefly and she mentioned looking at some singles meetup groups and things like that.
And I've been looking into that and I've been finding meetup groups for people over 50, more
spiritual groups, which is not really what I'm looking for. And then there was some LGBTQ groups,
so not a lot that I would fit into. I have tried the dating apps over the years and end up deleting
them just because it's an interesting pool. Have you tried the apps since joining this community?
Yes, and if one more person asks me for my Snapchat, I will lose it. So that's pretty much
where things end up for me. But like I said, and even Diane emphasized, out of 10 guys you might
find one that can hold the conversation. I know that it can be super discouraging, but
when you deleted the apps, how long were you on the app before you decided to delete it?
Not long. Usually when I start swiping, it's exhausting. I know, and I relate to that.
So it does. It gets exhausting. One thing that I know worked for me, and I know it worked for a lot
of women, is really setting a schedule for it. Like really having to tell myself, okay, I'm only
going to look at the app Monday, Wednesday, Friday between this time and this time, and maybe this
time to this time. And that's where I did maybe my swiping. That might be where, you know, if guys
liked me, I checked their profile out. If I liked it, I liked them back. If I had messages in my
inbox, I responded to messages after looking at their profile. I gave myself a schedule so that it
didn't become exhausting. So, you know, again, you are an adult woman. You can make your own choices.
My encouragement would be is still go ahead and give those apps a shot. Don't just cut and
run after a couple weeks in a couple not so great situations or experiences, but just really allow
yourself to kind of, you know, work out the kinks and just do your best at trying to find some
positives. Like they're there. But again, I say this, I was where y'all are sitting.
You know, dating can be very exhausting. So I 100% understand. But I will tell you is
there's so many things that God can potentially do and opportunities that he can give you to work on
and help prepare you for the thing that he wants to do.
You know, so, um, I didn't mean to cut you off.
So what else do you got?
I feel like just trying to figure out how to navigate in an area where there's not
a lot of options and even with, um, friends to a lot of the people I work with
aren't Christian and it's kind of hard to come across, cross people with the same
values and, um, at our church, I've tried to get involved with, they have a
college and career group, but it's more college students and that's not, it's
a very different part of my life than what they're in.
So it's been kind of hard to even get into some sort of a community.
But what are some things that you, what are some things that you enjoy?
How long, how long have you been in the Asheville area?
Like, have you been here all your life?
I have been here for four years.
Okay.
So, um, definitely moving is in my future, but I'm not sure where, um, my job is
going to take me, so I'm kind of working through that.
Um, but haven't been on dates since I've moved here.
Haven't really made any friends other than work friends.
Um, and even then most of them are married, so I can't meet people
through people in that scenario.
Have you, have you opened up to any of those people about, you know,
you're single and open to dating?
Yeah, definitely.
Um, and I think a lot of my community that I'm around, they all moved here as
well, so they also don't have connections.
So we're all just kind of just winging it.
Totally get it.
So I, I lived in, um, Sarasota, Florida, so I totally get the
dating scene because it's just a lot of old people.
I mean, it's a, it was a wealthier area, so not a lot of singles
really can afford to live there.
And I, and I, so I totally get it.
I think the best thing is, you know, we're just going to be praying that God
will just give you supernatural.
Divine appointments with people, making connections, finding a friend
group, and just looking for those opportunities, like, you know, get
yourself out, go, go to places that you enjoy, maybe it's, you know, coffee
shops, like, you know, one thing that one of my friends that I met in this
community, like she is a coffee shop queen.
She likes to find all of the quaint, cute coffee shops and researching
them and then going and visiting them.
So, you know, maybe it's like, if coffee's your thing going and, you
know, going and trying about a bunch of new different places, maybe taking a
road trip, maybe driving an hour or two hours somewhere, taking a weekend and
just, you know, talking to strangers, you know, just making connections with
people and seeing kind of what God will do and unfold for you.
Um, don't lose hope, just pray for the next right thing.
Like what is God speaking to you that he has for your life and what steps
you can take to move in that direction?
Cause even Jackie will talk about like, um, putting legs on our prayers.
Sometimes it's imperfect action of just, you know, getting out there.
So what is God speaking to you to do in this season to maybe build some
relationships, put things on your Jesus cares board, um, things of that nature.
Yeah, that's perfect.
Thank you.
I'm praying for you.
Cause I, I really, I told, I totally get that, you know?
Um, and, you know, just be praying for God to open doors and, and, and share
with, share with you what he has in this season and even where your job
is going and things that you can do.
Um, I don't know if you ladies, I know some of you are new, like there, we
give you the, the challenge of, you know, posting it on your social media
that you are open to dating and putting it out there.
Um, I did that myself.
Like I, you know, I had hundreds and hundreds of friends on Facebook
and I just shared with everybody.
Look, this is what I'm looking for.
I am ready to date.
I'm ready to look at marriage.
Here's some of my, you know, these are my non-negotiables.
If you know anybody, please send them in my direction.
And I have like a few people connect with me and introduce me to a few people.
They weren't my people, but I put it out there.
Like I got myself out of hiding and started doing that.
So maybe that's something, if you haven't done, maybe God is, you know,
going to nudge you to do the same thing.
Um, again, finding things that you like and enjoy and just getting.
in doing that. So hopefully that helps. Just keep us posted if you, you know, share in our group
what you're struggling with or breakthroughs or, you know, things that you're doing. Maybe some
other ladies that are not on this call right now will have some feedback of things that they
did that worked for them. You know, really lean on your sisters here in this community.
So Kendra, you said that you struggled in that area as well. And you, you just said yes to a
lot of things at your church. That's awesome. So that's a good thing. Like it's the season of yes,
maybe that was something that happened with, you know, when I was in this community, we just
were in a season of yes. We're just going to say yes to things that were invited, even if we don't
feel like we want to go, but we say yes anyway. And that's where, so Kendra, that's where you
started making some solid girlfriend community, but yeah, it's not the same as dating, but it is
the next step because you never know who you're going to meet. And if they're connected to your
spirit mate, like God knows who you are. Jackie used to say, God knows who you are. He knows where
you're going. He knows how to get, how to get things to you. I'm not saying exactly how she
said it, but he knows where you are and who to get it to you. Okay. She has a story about it. Like
hopefully one of these days she can, she can jump on and share it. She's shared it several times.
So just be praying into that. Sydney, you have a couple of stalker types on your Facebook page,
left them there because I don't want them to come here. I'm easily findable.
What if you have a couple of stalker types on? Okay. Cindy, I'm going to take this question for
you and you're welcome Isabel. I'm glad. I'm glad I was able to help and just give you some
encouragement. So Cindy, what do you mean by stalker stalker types? Like, are these people
that, you know? Yes. And I, so if I put on Facebook, I'm looking, if you know somebody
kind of thing, it kind of like almost gives them permission. One is somebody I met on Facebook,
singles. And I actually exclusively dated him for a few months and he's a, he's a nice guy,
but he wasn't for me and he has not gone away. He's he, and he would, he would question me a
whole bunch and try to get deep answers and stuff and kind of put me into a panic attack. And I was
like, this is just not for me, but he's still there. There's another guy that I met years ago.
And I, I told him he was kind of rude to some people on Facebook. And I said, I, I, I don't
even respond to him, but if I were to block him, I it's, I, I live in a rural Oklahoma area and I
preach at a church that's lives. I live in the parsonage next to the church and they know where,
well, one's been to the church and the other one knows where I preach. And so putting it on
Facebook, like, I want to put it out there, but I am kind of concerned. Yeah. You know what I'm
saying? There's a way, cause I had to do this with a few people as well. You can still be friends
with people on Facebook, but there is a feature and they're the privacy. So when you make a post
and you can click on the privacy feature of that post and you can block certain people from seeing
that post. Okay. I will try to I'm going to make a note to myself right now. Blocking Facebook post.
I will try to go in and screenshot where you can do that. Because I not in the same sense that I
had people where I was posting things on Facebook in regards to dating, but I have a younger son
and I would post things about him. And like, there was a guy that I was like,
in high school with, and he would just make really inappropriate comments,
especially in regards to my son. And so it made me feel awkward at times, but I was just like,
I'm going to block him from seeing things. Same thing. I had some women that I worked with when
I was teaching, they didn't have the same viewpoints as me. And so when I would share,
you know, about my faith or something like that, they wanted to criticize and, you know, kind of
just put garbage on my, on my page. And I didn't want to unfriend them because, you know, I could,
I could separate the two, but I also was like, I don't want that negativity on my page. And so I
would block those women from some of my own, my Facebook posts. So there's ways of doing that
where you can still say friends with them, but then they don't see certain posts. That's helpful.
So I made a note, I will go in and I will screenshot those things and kind of help you
so that you can put it out there. Those particular guys don't have to see it,
or if you know that there's people that you have mutual friends with that know them,
you could even block them from seeing that post as well.
That's helpful. I appreciate that.
Yeah, it's a cool feature. They've vamped up some of these privacy things on social media.
So there's some things I love about social media and then there's some things that don't.
Same thing, ladies, I did Facebook dating when I was in this program and that was,
now I'm coming up on two, three years. Yeah, probably about a year and a half
where I haven't been on Facebook dating. Obviously, I met my husband, I'm married, but
there are some new features. If you do Facebook dating, they actually have a way now, I think,
to navigate the bots that come on there so that there's less scammers on Facebook dating.
I think even Renee was sharing about that several months ago and I'm like,
this is totally a new feature. When you have to set up your profile, they have certain things
in the features of your profile that really have to verify that you're a real person.
It's really cool. So those are just some things to be thinking about.
So Jenny, you have some of the same concerns about Facebook. I will screenshot and highlight
those areas where you can block people from a post on your page. I'm seen by some as a social
media influencer through my photography and previous job. Most of my friends on Facebook
are either pastors or fellow ministers, but I don't necessarily feel a need to know about my
personal life. So yeah, if you want to use that. Jenna, do you have two separate Facebook accounts?
I know sometimes when people have a photography business or an influencer business,
they separate their personal page and more of an influencer page. For example, Jackie.
Jackie has that. So Jackie has her Jackie Dorman and then she has her own personal page.
So she shares her personal stuff with people that she is in personal relationship with,
but then she has her Jackie Dorman page where it literally is all of the content that
she does for this program. So that's something to think about as well, Jenna, that maybe you
open up a different account that's maybe more of your personal page and you do a more of a
separate account. So that might be helpful. All right, ladies, thank you so much for hanging out
with me today. Like I said, if you can jump on the eight o'clock tonight, it is a combination of
phase two, phase three. It's called Love Seats. It's something that Jackie does with the phase
three people every now and then. Usually I think it's once a month, maybe she's inviting you all
to join that. So if you can jump on it, the link is in our Facebook page. So thank you again.
And I will see you ladies again this time next week. And don't forget to share all your good
stuff in our page. OK, questions, praises, breakthroughs, all of that stuff. OK, have a