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Hey ladies! Hey, hey, hey! I'm here to do an Ask Jackie segment and I'm gonna have to

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hold the phone really far away from me. Number one, I'm in the car but I'm not

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driving and number two, I can't see up close with my glasses on. And it's really

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fitting that I'm on my way to Barnes & Noble to get a book about menopause.

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Haha! So, menopause problems? Yes. And of course David's here and he wants to say

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hi. All right, so he gets to hear all of this great advice to all you ladies.

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All right. Okay. And once again, these are anonymous. You know who you are if you

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put the question in but I'm not going to necessarily call out your name and that

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way nobody knows except for you. In case that's the way you want it. If that's not

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the way you want it, then just say when you put in your Ask Jackie question,

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Jackie, call my name out. Say my name! Say my name! Right? I will. I promise. Just let

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me know. What does it mean when a guy ends things and says, you deserve someone

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so much better than me? Don't we love that? I feel like this is just a kind way

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for them to soften the blow. And you're right. You're not wrong. You're not wrong.

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And you know what? They might be softening the blow because they want to

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be the nice guy. They want to stay in your memory as the good guy, right? In case

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they ever want to circle back around and give it another shot. Because really what

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they're saying is that, I want to see what else is out there. You know, you seem

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really great but I have the delusion and the illusion that there's many options

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out there and I still want to see. But I want to make it sound like you're the

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reason why we're breaking up, not me. You're the reason why we're not going to

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talk anymore, not me. Let me show you what that looks like. He's saying to you, you

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deserve someone better than me, as if you have somehow insinuated that he's

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not good enough. That you have somehow expressed your discontent or your

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dislike or, you know, dissatisfaction with him. So he's putting the ball in

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your court instead of owning it himself and saying, hey, you deserve someone

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different than me because I'm not that attracted to you yet. And I'm not going

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to give myself a chance to get attracted to you because I really want to see what

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else is out there. Because I have some avoidant attachment, right? That's what

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he's saying here. But he wants to keep the door cracked enough so that if he

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does circle back around because he can't find anything better, then he can, once

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again, you know, make it about you. Like, oh, well, I wasn't good enough for you this

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time before but did you ever say that? No, you didn't say that. He said that. But

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this time, you know, I'm going to give it another shot. And so, yes, you're

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absolutely right. That is a complete cop-out. And I think that, really, when

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people say this, you've dodged a bullet. Because, really, what they're telling us

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is that they're not ready for a relationship. They're not ready for a

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serious relationship, right? And so, it's really important that we just go ahead

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and move on. Hi, Jack. I love that. You call me Jack. Jack is my nickname. It's not.

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But now it is. Right now. I just want to express my gratitude for this program.

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Thank you so much. Listen, I am so appreciative of other people's

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appreciation because you have no idea how thankless this can be. I know it

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seems like everyone is so satisfied and we have so many success stories, which is

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true. And we do have a lot of success stories. But even people that have

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success, they don't circle around and say, thank you. I kind of feel like Jesus with

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all those lepers. Only one leper came back to say thank you. Everyone else was

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running off with their new noses and their reconstructed fingers, off to

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live happy lives in Israel. But that one, that one leper, he circled back around

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and said, thank you. And, yes, I do appreciate that. Guys, I'm in a weird mood.

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I'm just joining you. I'm just going to warn you. As you can see, I'm on

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a whole other level right now. And I don't know why. I had no coffee. I don't

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drink coffee. I don't know. Maybe it's a full moon tonight. I'm not sure. My

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husband's like, don't let her lie to you. She's always this way. I'm not. All right.

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Thank you for thanking me for the program. That makes me feel warm and

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fuzzy in my heart. It's been incredibly helpful and has made it easier for me to

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have faith in finding my soulmate. I truly appreciate, sorry y'all, can't read,

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gotta read far away, everything you do regarding question number one. I've been

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dating this guy exclusively for about four weeks and I've met his children, but

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he hasn't met mine yet, which is good. Four weeks is pretty quick to meet the

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kids. You know, you met his kids and maybe you're gonna tell me later in this

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question why you met his kids so early. Maybe you go to the same church or you were at

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It's just happened to me there.

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But you guys, I think four weeks is way too early

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to meet the kids, I really do.

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And why do I think this?

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Well, first of all, I'm a dating coach

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and I'm a matchmaker.

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And I'm part of lots and lots and lots of love stories.

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So just by sheer volume of stories I've been involved with,

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I'm gonna tell you it's not a good idea.

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And secondly, my mom was married three times

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before I was 10 years old

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and had other boyfriends as well.

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I met all of those people way too early

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and being a fatherless daughter at the time,

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at least I thought I was fatherless

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because I didn't know God yet,

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I got really attached to those male figures

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and then they were gone.

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And so you don't want that,

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especially if your kids are hurting,

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especially if your kids are really wanting to attach

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to someone, don't do this, it's too early.

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Do not introduce them until you know

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that this person is safe

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and that there actually is potential

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for this to go all the way.

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All right, I've been dating guys exclusively,

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I've met his kids, he hasn't met mine.

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I've mentioned that I was going on a tour

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of my daughter's new school

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and since he's very into education,

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I asked if he was free to come along and provide input.

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No, no, no.

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I spoke to him that morning on my way to the school

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but he never confirmed whether he would come.

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Later that day, he acted surprised

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and claimed he forgot about it

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even though we had discussed it earlier.

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Now on to the second question.

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I'm currently in California for my graduation.

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Guys, these are old questions and I apologize

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but some of these slip through the cracks.

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I just did one from Cartagena last week

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and asked Jackie and somehow these didn't get answered

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and I don't know why.

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And when I told him about it,

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he expressed interest in coming to support me

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since he doesn't have his kids this week.

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In fact, I think I did answer this.

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So you told him about your graduation,

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he said he wanted to come

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but then he wanted you to book the flight.

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Yes, I remember this question now.

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He wanted you to book the flight.

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He kept asking you if you booked the flight.

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You guys, you're not gonna pay for something,

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especially a plane ticket.

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If someone wants to go somewhere,

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let them book it themselves.

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If they say they wanna come,

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then let them make their own travel plans.

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Don't make the travel plans for them.

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They're a big boy, they can make it themselves.

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And so, surprise, he didn't book the ticket,

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kept asking her to until the very last moment

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and then he also didn't come.

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So what was he looking for?

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He was looking for a free vacation.

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And you didn't give it to him and I'm proud of you.

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And hopefully you're not talking to this guy anymore

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because unless he ended up shaping up

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and this was just a one-off

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and it wasn't his actual personality.

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So please give us an update on that

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because I have no idea what happened after that.

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Y'all, please don't introduce your kids.

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Definitely don't invite people

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to come to your kids' schools.

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People that you hardly know.

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You've only been knowing for four weeks.

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Let's not do that.

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How can we respond when someone pushes back on us

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when we're believing for a husband?

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What can we respond when people say things like,

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Paul said singleness was better than marriage.

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God doesn't promise everyone marriage.

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Not everyone will get married.

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Just focus on the Lord and just be content.

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Don't you love it when married people

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specifically give you this advice?

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Oh, not everyone's gonna get married.

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You shouldn't wanna be married.

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You know, God doesn't promises everyone a marriage.

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The Bible says God doesn't promise you tomorrow.

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But there's no one claiming that promise.

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Not one person.

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Not one person, right?

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The Bible literally says,

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first of all, God doesn't say in the word,

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I didn't promise you marriage.

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In fact, he said that he sent Jesus

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to come and reconcile us back to our original design,

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which includes marriage.

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In the original design, in the original plan,

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male and female, put together, better together.

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You guys, I just wanna talk to you guys

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about Paul for a second.

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If it's been a long time since you took my challenge,

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you might not have heard this teaching for a while,

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and so I'm just gonna go ahead and lay it on you right now.

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Paul was talking to a specific group of people

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that had a specific problem in Corinthians

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when he talked about singleness, all right?

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When he talked about his state of not being married,

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okay, he doesn't obviously use the word singleness.

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When he was talking about his state of being unmarried,

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he was talking to people that were fussing and fighting,

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that, number one, were married,

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and why were they fussing and fighting, you might ask?

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Well, I'm glad you asked.

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It's because they were all new converts.

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They were all following Christ now,

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but not as couples, as individuals,

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and so those new people that had decided to receive Christ,

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receive the good news from Paul as the missionary,

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as the evangelist, as the apostle, right,

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as the church planner,

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they decided that they were not gonna have sex

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with their spouses anymore,

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and so Paul had to come and, you know,

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sort all of this drama out.

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This was drama, and he was saying,

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because of the drama,

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I'm glad that I don't have this drama.

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And I wish that you didn't have this drama either, because it would be so much easier on you if you didn't have this drama.

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But I have the charisma or the gift, okay, the empowerment from heaven to remain as I am, unmarried.

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But because you don't have the same gift as I do, because everyone has their own gift, I wish you had the same gift as me,

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because I think your life would be better, because you wouldn't have to be domestically entangled, right,

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with all this drama and all this sex talk and all this stuff.

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But because you don't have it and you have your own gift, then you should do the right thing, right?

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Yes, that's what he said.

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Then he said, and all you people that are not married, especially you widows,

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it's probably better for you to remain like me so you don't have to deal with what these married people are dealing with.

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But only if you don't burn with lust.

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What is that?

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If you don't burn with a sex drive.

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If your body is not driving you to partner and you can remain pure in the sense of not fornicating, then great.

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But if you can't, then you should go get married.

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And, you know, our sex drive is part of what drives us, you know,

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and it's not just our sex drive like you want to get it on, intercourse sex drive.

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It is also that romantic inclination in you that's part of that sex drive of wanting to partner,

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of longing to be held romantically and protected and have someone with their arms around you and, you know, nurture.

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You know, that's all part of that, too.

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And so if you have that, then you need to satisfy that in the right way that God has created us to satisfy it,

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and that is by marriage.

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And so when people ask you or when people say to you, why are you believing for a husband or didn't Paul say,

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you can say, actually, that's not what Paul said.

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Actually, Paul said, I wish that all of you had the charisma, the empowerment from heaven to stay single,

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but because you don't, you should go get married.

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Don't just read the Bible, friend.

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Read the Bible.

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And I dare you, I double dog dare you to say that to them.

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Don't just read the Bible, friend.

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Read the Bible.

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I can't tell you how sick I am of hearing people twist scripture to, I don't know, to keep people imprisoned.

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I'm not sure.

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But it's like, look, if singleness is so great, then why aren't you single, friend, whoever that person is?

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Because I feel like lots of married people are the ones that say this.

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And maybe they're unhappily married and they envy the fact that you're not married and that you're free

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and you don't have to live with their husband or their wife.

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And so that's probably part of it, too.

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All right.

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And we all know that Paul had a different maturity plan because marriage and family is God's maturity plan for mankind.

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And Paul had a different maturity plan.

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It's called shipwrecks and snakebites and imprisonments and some mystery thorn in the flesh.

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There's a lot of stuff going on in Paul's life to keep him humble.

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We just get humbled in marriage.

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That's a good thing for us.

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All right.

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I got to know this guy from an app.

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Seems to be a good guy, but it's long-distance relationship.

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I live in Dallas and he's in Missouri.

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Missouri, Dallas, not that long of a distance.

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I mean, it's long distance, but it's not that bad.

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We did meet in person once, though I liked talking to him.

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I was not attracted to him.

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I told myself, let me do another in-person meet and then decide.

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We continued to Skype chat or talk, but the fact that I'm not attracted keeps bothering me.

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What will be your advice for me?

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Well, you don't have to be.

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Here's where long distance kind of gets hard, right?

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You don't have to be attracted to any person the very first time you hang out with them.

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Okay.

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Now, there's a difference between not being attracted and being repulsed by someone.

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There's a difference between not really feeling any spark or any chemistry and just being so grossed out,

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like the massive ick, like ugh, right?

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Like that person's breath was so bad and they have such bad hygiene and I'm just so disgusted right now that I,

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you know, going to go and throw up in my mouth.

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There's a difference between those two things.

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Or they were so crude and so crass and so rude and you just weren't.

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But if all you're saying to me is that, hey, we got together and it was a nice time and he's a really good guy,

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but I didn't want to, like, crawl over the table and make out with him, then we're okay.

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The problem with long distance is that when you're local, if you're not feeling fireworks on the first date,

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then you have a second date and a third date and a fourth date because it's easy, right?

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It's low-hanging fruit.

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But if it's long distance, you have to put so much more investment.

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So I would need more information.

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Why weren't you attracted to him?

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Was he a good guy?

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Does he have potential?

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Do you have anything in common?

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You know, was there any, you know, laughs and fun on the date?

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feeling the physical attraction or was it something deeper than that? I got to

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have more information in order to give you good advice on that. Usually I like

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people to, you know, long-distance once again it's hard. Usually if they do

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tick some of your boxes and you do have some compatibility, people can grow on

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you. You can start feeling chemistry especially if you've been in abusive

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relationships or no relationship at all. It might take your heart longer to warm

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up. So this might be a you thing and not a him thing and so it's difficult for me

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to give you advice without more information. So if you could write in

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into your group and just say hey Jackie wanted more information and here it is

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then I can give you some more specialized customized advice. Darling

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the book is on hold under Jackie Dorman and my phone number and it's called the

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menopause reset. This ought to be fun. You gonna go get it for me? That's a good

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husband. Here's the good news you don't have to pick up any

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tampons or pads for me anymore because I'm in the menopause. I'm in the pause. So

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now you only have to get books that are embarrassing for me not other things. I'm

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good. You good? I'm strong. You're a strong man. Okay he's gonna go do that. So I can

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continue to talk to y'all. All right Jackie the guy that I like finally got

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his visa approved to be able to come to the States legally from Canada. He was

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unable to due to visa issues the entire time we had gotten to know each other

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over zoom and phone. He wasn't able to come with a visitor's visa as it would

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risk the whole process to come for longer. It's true it's really difficult

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with Canada. Guys I just want you to know that we have lots of Canadian American

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love stories in our communities and my matches for whatever reason and it's

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it's been very difficult with the whole visa and immigration stuff. In fact I

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think that out of all the countries that we have matches with Canada is the worst

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and I don't know why. Why is Canada so big for its bridges? I don't know but

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that's true. So what you're saying is really true right here. Prior to joining

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this community we got really close and had all the marathon phone dates and

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recommended not to have without connecting in person. Prior to him

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joining the community or both of you I'm not sure. The goal was to finally get

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together to connect in person in Florida when his visa was approved. After

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getting his visa denied for five months we decided not to talk anymore

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indefinitely as it was hard on the heart and so many unknowns. I just want to let

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you know who's who's this question from? Lauren. I said I wouldn't say your name

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but now I'm going to. This is the exact same story as one of our engaged couples

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that's getting married right now. I actually helped matchmake them. They went

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through the same thing as this except they went through it for a little bit

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longer than y'all and they it ended up working out. All right so I just want to

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put that out there. All right so five months went by without

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talking. During the process I surrendered completely and decided to move back home

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to Arizona from Florida to be with family as that's what my heart needed. Two

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weeks after moving I get a text from him saying his visa was approved. He's in

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Florida and if I'd like to connect over dinner I missed the guy. I had been

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hoping for two weeks. I had been hoping for by two weeks. I honestly didn't think

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we'd ever talk again. I let him know that I'd be back and forth for different

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events and if he'd like to connect in person over Memorial Day which is a

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three-day weekend we could do that. All right let's see. Should I seek to get

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Clary? Does it sound not interested now? What did he say? He said he didn't know

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if he'd still be in town as he'll be back and forth as well from Canada to

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Florida. What I'd like to really know is that being in another location is a

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deal-breaker at this point or if we should just meet up in person and see.

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He's 35. We both don't have kids and we both work remotely. Look I just told you

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we have almost the exact same scenario in one of our success stories. They

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couldn't connect, couldn't connect, couldn't connect, couldn't connect and

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then finally connected. You know you made that decision to break it off so did

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they. They didn't talk for I think over nine months and then he had a dream

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about her. He shared the dream with me. I interpreted the dream and then I

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contacted her because I really felt very strongly that the interpretation of the

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dream was that they were meant to be together. That God was showing him that

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this was his spirit mate and I don't always do that you guys. I took a chance.

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I let her know. She immediately responded to it. She reached out to him very

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quickly after that. God opened the gates of Canada and let him come because he

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had never been able to come. They met in person and after years of trying to get

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together they got together. They got engaged months later. She went there. He

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went here. She went there and now they're getting married. Now they are getting

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married. So I think that you owe it to yourself to see what's there. If you if

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you still want to and he still wants to I think you should.

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with a guy who was short, long distance, that didn't go well at all? Well, I suspect part of it was the video aspect. It was bad enough that I

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don't want to do another video call. That's how bad it was, okay? I would be willing to meet him in person, but that doesn't erase the distance

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while in level two. What's a good way to navigate it's a yes until it's a no in distance situations if the video calls don't go well? I would have

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to know why it didn't go well. Was it awkward? Was he just not talkative? Was there a lot of dead air where no one was saying anything

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because both of you were kind of introverted and it was uncomfortable? I would need to know more. Or was it like they were distracted and it

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ended really abruptly and you didn't feel like they were that into it or really wanted to even be talking to you? I need more information.

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You know, if you guys don't live that far apart, yeah, unless he was rude and crude and that's why it didn't go well, I would meet him in person.

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If you said you thought it was the video aspect, well, you just think that it's not translating well over video. Guys, some people are not good at

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stuff like that. They get, you know, they get really nervous. Once again, I need more information on that. All right.

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How we doing? How we doing, ladies? Okay. Hi, I'm in a phase two and most everything is amazing. I'm blown away by this man in so many ways.

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There is one area that I'm struggling with. He's 54 and financially not at a place I would prefer for him to be in life. He seems to be all over the

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place regarding his career. He's miserable at his corporate job. He's a partial owner in a company and he's an entrepreneur, so the ideas are never

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ending. He says he is thinking about doing something or is going to do something and then he doesn't. It's always related to work or his life. It's

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becoming exhausting to the point that I'm not enjoying chatting with him. I was just laid off and have two months of severance, so listening to him is

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wearing on me now more than ever. I'm in a new situation. I'm struggling with that desire for stability. Other than that, he loves Jesus. We spent time

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and the word together. He's passionate for the fatherless, is patient and gentle with my kids, and is overall mentally healthy. I've been healing a lot in the

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level of communication, ability to voice my feelings and be heard. I'm just feeling stuck and not sure how to address it more than I already have. I've been

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blunt with the fact that he needs to seek the Lord and wait on Him instead of going with every ebb and flow. On a recent loveseat, Jackie said, men

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like to date women they feel are out of their league and women want men with more stability. Yeah, I mean, you'll very rarely see a man that is dating a

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woman that would be objectively considered less attractive than him. And you'll very rarely see a woman who wants to marry a man that has less money

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than her, or less stability, or less ability to provide. Okay? We live in a modern age and so that there are exceptions to that, but that's what I've seen and

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found to be true. Okay? Women, while we're not marrying for money, we do want the man that we marry to be a leader. We want him to be respectable. We want

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him to be someone who can provide well and is stable. We want security. We want that. Even if we have good jobs and we make good incomes. And then men, they want a

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woman that they're proud to be seen with. They want a woman who's attractive to them. Attractiveness is relative. Attractive to them, someone that, you know, that

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they can be really proud of and someone that other people admire and not just for her looks. Attractiveness doesn't just have to do with looks. It has to do with

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her demeanor, her attitude, her personality, all the things. And so that's what this woman is referring to in her question here. Okay? This actually helped me

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realize my issue in the relationship and why I haven't said I love you back. Ooh, he said I love you, but you haven't said I love you back, huh? How long have

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y'all known each other? You're in phase, you're in phase three. I think what you're saying is that you are in, you said phase three, and that's a part of our

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community, phase one, two, and three. But I think what you mean is you're in a level three relationship with this 54-year-old guy. All right, so let's talk about

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this. By the time we're in our mid-50s, you know, I'm about to be 50 in like seven months, we hope people are old enough to know better. We hope that they've

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sown most of their wild oats and they've kind of figured this life thing out to a certain extent, right? We don't want to marry people at that decade of

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life that are still trying to figure out what they want to be when they grow up. That being said, I think that when we're kingdom people, we're always, you know,

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changing, right? And you said that this man's an entrepreneur, and I'm just going to tell you because I was a born entrepreneur, I'm an entrepreneur as well.

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Visionary people we're very creative people and we need to be married to people that are stable and people that are going to

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Help us to build the beautiful ideas that God has put in our heart

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And so that might be what this man is missing

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He might be missing you his helpmate because if everything else is lining up and this is all that you're worried about

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I will tell you that David and I call ourselves the kite and the string. I'm the kite

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I was created to soar high. I'm very creative. I'm very visionary

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I also have a really great business mind, but I have a thousand good ideas before breakfast

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Okay

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and so in order for me to

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Go through those ideas and figure out which ones are good ideas and which one are God's ideas because I can build all of them

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I'm a builder my husband. That's where his personality set comes in. That's where his skill set comes in

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That's where we're complementary opposites, so I'm the kite and guess what he is he's the string

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He keeps me from floating off into never never land

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He keeps me focused, you know

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The string on a kite can guide the kite in the direction that it needs to go

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There's a lot of things that happen there. And so we want to be an effective team together with the people that we marry

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All right

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So it sounds like you guys have some complementary opposite things

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It also sounds like because of your layoff and because of your financial turmoil in your life that you might just be a little scared

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To get with someone who seems less stable. They haven't been at the same job for 30 years with a big fat 401k

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All right, I get it and you're gonna have to decide ultimately what's more important to you

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Right that or someone who you can actually partner with and build something amazing with

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Using both of your skill sets that has the gentleness and the patience and the love for Jesus and you

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So that's where that's what I want to say to you right there, okay. All right

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All right

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Question, how do y'all handle respond to a man saying God told me that you're my wife

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The last one which I just ended said this and I responded with well that makes you number seven

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He said that he said that too so

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He said that too so get in line I want to respond well he hasn't told me that also why is this even a thing

403
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It shouldn't be a thing

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Especially if you barely know the person if you know

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You barely know this guy and he's already saying you guys I've had listen. I officiate weddings for our community

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I do I can't officiate all of them

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So don't get your panties in a wad if you invite me to officiate your wedding and I can't for some reason

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I try my best if I'm asked because I consider that an honor and I am ordained to officiate weddings

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but I

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Do ask this question to the people whose weddings I officiate and that is to the man I say when did you know?

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When did you know that she was the one and I'm gonna tell you most men know really quick

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They did most men knew pretty quickly including my husband about me

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But they were spiritually mature enough not to tell the woman that they knew

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That's the kicker. That's the key

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So what you're dealing with real right here is you're dealing with a man that isn't spiritually mature

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He doesn't realize especially if he doesn't know you really well

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He doesn't realize that that's not something that he should be saying and so what it comes across as is spiritually manipulative

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Doesn't it doesn't that it's not what it feels like this person is trying to bring God in on this and trying to say

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That God told them something about my life that I'm gonna marry them

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But God hasn't told me that and that doesn't feel good. Does it and so this to me is a yellow possibly even red flag

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All right

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Someone who's anxiously attaching someone who's trying to you know

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Get you to go to this high level of intimacy and emotional connection with them

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Possibly even physical connection because you know, you are their wife. So, you know, hey

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Hey

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Right, but at the same time they're showing very especially if they're older

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This is not some teenager or someone in their early 20s. They're showing you that they're not that spiritually mature and that's a problem

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That's the biggest problem there

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All right

430
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And so yeah, it's fine for you to say back to them if you want a practical answer

431
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Yeah, well God hasn't told me that and if it was true God would have told me to

432
00:29:34.460 --> 00:29:38.140
All right, so, you know and if you still want to get to know them

433
00:29:38.900 --> 00:29:43.780
You know for whatever reason they have enough green flags that you're not going to be deterred by that one

434
00:29:43.780 --> 00:29:46.500
You know orange ish red flag then

435
00:29:47.860 --> 00:29:51.100
Ask them not to bring that up anymore. Say hey, you know

436
00:29:52.860 --> 00:29:56.620
I'm not saying that you don't hear from God, but we're just getting to know each other

437
00:29:56.620 --> 00:29:58.740
And I'm gonna ask you to kind of keep that to yourself

438
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:08.000
Alright. Yeah, Dawn, that's good. So Dawn is saying, or the opposite is hurtful to you.

439
00:30:08.000 --> 00:30:13.000
God told me you are not the one. You're not the wife for me. You're not the one for me.

440
00:30:13.000 --> 00:30:20.000
And you guys, a lot of Christians are saying this right now, and they're really honestly believing that God is telling them that

441
00:30:20.000 --> 00:30:27.000
because of religion and because of their avoidant attachment that religion is causing, because they think that it's supposed to feel a

442
00:30:27.000 --> 00:30:33.000
certain way if it's the right person, or God's supposed to speak to them in a certain way if it's the right person, and they just

443
00:30:33.000 --> 00:30:40.000
have really bad information on this subject, which is what I'm out here trying to do, is re-educate people on what it feels like

444
00:30:40.000 --> 00:30:46.000
for it to be a God connection, right? And I will tell you, honestly, women are way worse at that than men are, Dawn.

445
00:30:46.000 --> 00:30:56.000
I've had way more women be like, oh, you know, God told me no, than men. But yes, it does happen, and that is why we do what we do

446
00:30:56.000 --> 00:31:03.000
to try to help people to understand, you know, that first of all, God's not controlling. This is not a dictatorship, okay?

447
00:31:03.000 --> 00:31:08.000
It's a kingdom, and you have a king, and he's not bossing you around and telling you what to do.

448
00:31:08.000 --> 00:31:14.000
He's leading you and guiding you by wisdom in the right way for you to go, but a lot of people only know religion.

449
00:31:14.000 --> 00:31:20.000
They don't know God. All right. Hi, Jackie. I met a widow on Upword that I have really enjoyed chatting with for a week now.

450
00:31:20.000 --> 00:31:28.000
We exchanged numbers, and now we're texting off of the app as of today. This was the 10th of May, so I don't know what's happened since then.

451
00:31:28.000 --> 00:31:36.000
Now that I have his number and his name, I did a quick search for his profile on Facebook and found him. Yay for a real person.

452
00:31:36.000 --> 00:31:42.000
I'm curious if you feel that the year after a spouse passes enough time if you're 60 plus.

453
00:31:42.000 --> 00:31:48.000
Also, I see a link on his Facebook page to his wife's memorial service. I haven't watched it because it feels premature.

454
00:31:48.000 --> 00:31:53.000
I am choosing to not watch it because I want to be honoring to him, and who knows?

455
00:31:53.000 --> 00:31:56.000
Maybe that would be something we would share together down the road.

456
00:31:56.000 --> 00:32:03.000
Just thought this might be something good to address for us older ladies who may run into this type of situation and would love to know your thoughts.

457
00:32:03.000 --> 00:32:11.000
Thanks, Jackie. Well, it's been my experience that people that lose their spouse that were happily married really do want to get married pretty quickly.

458
00:32:11.000 --> 00:32:14.000
They like being married. They enjoyed being married.

459
00:32:14.000 --> 00:32:22.000
And while I don't believe that that is in any way dishonoring the person who's passed away, it's, in my opinion, honoring.

460
00:32:22.000 --> 00:32:28.000
And then, of course, there are people that were in a dead-end marriage for years and years and years, and the person just happened to pass away.

461
00:32:28.000 --> 00:32:31.000
They didn't get divorced, but the person passed away instead.

462
00:32:31.000 --> 00:32:34.000
And they're also wanting to get on with their life and meet someone.

463
00:32:34.000 --> 00:32:40.000
Now, does this mean if his wife only passed away a year ago, depending on how long she was sick or how she passed away,

464
00:32:40.000 --> 00:32:45.000
does that mean you're not going to have to deal with some grief with him if you become his person?

465
00:32:45.000 --> 00:32:49.000
No, you will have to, and that's okay.

466
00:32:49.000 --> 00:32:56.000
Because if God has chosen you to be the person that is going to walk through that grief with him, this goes for divorced people, too.

467
00:32:56.000 --> 00:33:02.000
We can never say how long is a long enough time for each and every person because everybody's different.

468
00:33:02.000 --> 00:33:09.000
And the only way that we're going to know that is if we get to know the person and we see kind of where they are emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

469
00:33:09.000 --> 00:33:12.000
even physically, financially.

470
00:33:12.000 --> 00:33:15.000
And so, we won't know that unless we get to know them.

471
00:33:15.000 --> 00:33:17.000
And so, I think it's worth getting to know them.

472
00:33:17.000 --> 00:33:25.000
Just because, you know, they haven't been divorced or widowed for a long period of time doesn't mean that they can't be a prospect.

473
00:33:25.000 --> 00:33:32.000
So, let's look for the other signs instead of trying to make a yes or no on just one little metric, which is how long they've been widowed.

474
00:33:32.000 --> 00:33:39.000
Let's look for all the other signs that they're ready to move on or at least ready to try to move on before we judge that.

475
00:33:39.000 --> 00:33:41.000
Does that sound good?

476
00:33:41.000 --> 00:33:43.000
So, give us feedback because we want to know.

477
00:33:43.000 --> 00:33:53.000
In the relationship expectations part one, you talked about creating a parenting and financial plan near the end of level three.

478
00:33:53.000 --> 00:33:55.000
So, before you get engaged.

479
00:33:55.000 --> 00:33:56.000
Right.

480
00:33:56.000 --> 00:34:01.000
I was wondering what types of questions you should ask to develop these plans.

481
00:34:01.000 --> 00:34:04.000
How should we go about creating a plan?

482
00:34:04.000 --> 00:34:05.000
Okay.

483
00:34:05.000 --> 00:34:10.000
So, these are really good questions, and I think maybe we should have a whole session on this.

484
00:34:10.000 --> 00:34:15.000
For people who are in level three, why don't we have a bonus session for people that are in level three relationships,

485
00:34:15.000 --> 00:34:18.000
headed towards level four, on what you need to do.

486
00:34:18.000 --> 00:34:23.000
Either that or you guys can take Symbus because we go over all of that in Symbus.

487
00:34:23.000 --> 00:34:27.000
In fact, I have a Symbus class that just started last week.

488
00:34:27.000 --> 00:34:28.000
Actually, that's not true.

489
00:34:28.000 --> 00:34:30.000
It just started this week.

490
00:34:30.000 --> 00:34:31.000
Well, it is Saturday.

491
00:34:31.000 --> 00:34:33.000
So, yeah, last week.

492
00:34:33.000 --> 00:34:35.000
So, that's good, too.

493
00:34:35.000 --> 00:34:37.000
But I think we can have an extra bonus session as well.

494
00:34:37.000 --> 00:34:40.000
So, Amanda, let's go ahead and try to do that.

495
00:34:40.000 --> 00:34:42.000
All right.

496
00:34:42.000 --> 00:34:46.000
Before my first date with Ben, I talked to Jesus.

497
00:34:46.000 --> 00:34:54.000
I told Jesus that I was giving him my heart and that I wanted him to be in charge of it because he knew what was best for me.

498
00:34:54.000 --> 00:34:56.000
How Ben and I met was a miracle.

499
00:34:56.000 --> 00:34:58.000
How it's going is a miracle.

500
00:34:58.000 --> 00:35:00.000
I'm pretty sure that this couple is actually married.

501
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:09.000
in my class right now. So they're taking a premarital course together. They actually knew each other from middle school.

502
00:35:09.000 --> 00:35:15.000
I don't remember how they circled back around and met each other again. I think it was through a friend, but I think that's fun.

503
00:35:15.000 --> 00:35:20.000
They went to middle school together and now they're a couple that's premarital in my group.

504
00:35:20.000 --> 00:35:26.000
And so I don't think that it's necessary really to answer that question because we already know how that turned out.

505
00:35:26.000 --> 00:35:34.000
All right. So let's go. Jackie, I wanted to express my gratitude for all your support. More gratitude. Thank you so much.

506
00:35:34.000 --> 00:35:40.000
Since joining L.Y.S. in February, my life has been flourishing on all fronts. This is what I like to hear, y'all.

507
00:35:40.000 --> 00:35:46.000
This is what I want to hear. I'm 58, never married and hadn't dated for seven years until joining L.Y.S.

508
00:35:46.000 --> 00:35:54.000
I met P.J., 62 divorced. He's been divorced for six years. End of April. I met him at the end of April.

509
00:35:54.000 --> 00:35:59.000
Despite initially overlooking him on the app, our three dates have been amazing.

510
00:35:59.000 --> 00:36:06.000
He's kind, supportive, established, shares my values. He's marriage minded. He identifies himself as a Christian,

511
00:36:06.000 --> 00:36:13.000
though his involvement with Christianity is limited to going to Sunday school with his mom and having his dad as a Catholic.

512
00:36:13.000 --> 00:36:20.000
Now, when you say going to Sunday school with his mom, do you mean like when he was a little boy or like now?

513
00:36:21.000 --> 00:36:27.000
Because some people call like the service before service, like in certain denominations, Sunday school. So I'm not sure.

514
00:36:27.000 --> 00:36:33.000
He does have the fruits of the Spirit and blessings over his life. He's clearly interested in me and I feel compatible with him.

515
00:36:33.000 --> 00:36:41.000
I'm considering the next steps and wonder how to approach his faith. Should I inquire respectfully about his beliefs and what could be some diplomatic ways to do so?

516
00:36:41.000 --> 00:36:45.000
If he is a pre-Christian, should I stop dating him and let go?

517
00:36:45.000 --> 00:36:49.000
Well, you're saying that he has fruit of the Spirit. So that's important. We want to look for fruit.

518
00:36:49.000 --> 00:36:55.000
And it sounds like he is definitely open and been raised in Christian faith, raised going to church.

519
00:36:55.000 --> 00:37:00.000
As far as church attendance goes, you guys, church attendance is not a deal breaker for me.

520
00:37:00.000 --> 00:37:06.000
I do want to see people that want to grow and be mentored in Christian community, regardless of what that is.

521
00:37:06.000 --> 00:37:12.000
And so if you're going to marry him, he's going to have to be willing to grow in Christian community with you.

522
00:37:12.000 --> 00:37:19.000
Is he willing to grow in Christian community with you? I will tell you a lot of times, and women aren't going to like to hear this, but I'm going to say it anyway.

523
00:37:19.000 --> 00:37:25.000
A lot of times, especially for this older group of men, maybe not the younger group of men, but for the older group of men.

524
00:37:25.000 --> 00:37:35.000
So let's just say 45 and up. They come from a generation that maybe didn't go to church, except when they were children growing up in church.

525
00:37:36.000 --> 00:37:42.000
And it was always family that was instigating them to go to church, or their mother that was instigating them to go to church.

526
00:37:42.000 --> 00:37:48.000
And while they may have learned some things there, men are not very communal. They're not.

527
00:37:48.000 --> 00:37:53.000
Men are not group people. They don't like groups.

528
00:37:53.000 --> 00:38:01.000
Unless you get an extremely extroverted man, you're not going to find a man who likes to just go and hang out with people all the time.

529
00:38:01.000 --> 00:38:13.000
And so it usually is the woman that initiates in the family social time, including spiritual community.

530
00:38:13.000 --> 00:38:21.000
And so as long as they're not reluctant to spiritual community, as long as they are willing to go with you to spiritual community, I'm the person in our family.

531
00:38:21.000 --> 00:38:27.000
My husband's not opposed to church, but I'm the person in our family that instigates that kind of stuff.

532
00:38:27.000 --> 00:38:30.000
Because in most families, that's the way it works.

533
00:38:30.000 --> 00:38:36.000
And so you're going to have to see other things besides just church attendance to see where this man is at.

534
00:38:36.000 --> 00:38:41.000
Okay, and please keep us posted on that.

535
00:38:41.000 --> 00:38:44.000
All right.

536
00:38:44.000 --> 00:38:49.000
Hey Jackie, I went on a first date with a single dad, and I'm open to another conversation or date,

537
00:38:49.000 --> 00:38:54.000
but wanted your help weighing out the green flags from the yellow, potentially red ones.

538
00:38:54.000 --> 00:38:58.000
The good. We had a great time mini-golfing, which was a fun first date.

539
00:38:58.000 --> 00:39:01.000
He was very chivalrous, insisting on paying and escorting me to my car.

540
00:39:01.000 --> 00:39:08.000
He expressed a desire to date God's way, not his way, and expressed eagerness when I told him about you in 1822.

541
00:39:08.000 --> 00:39:12.000
He's actively involved in his church and is interested in personal growth.

542
00:39:12.000 --> 00:39:16.000
He sent a thoughtful follow-up text, which made me feel really good.

543
00:39:16.000 --> 00:39:22.000
He initially dumped a lot of stuff on me during our first phone call and was very receptive to feedback.

544
00:39:22.000 --> 00:39:24.000
When I told him, that made me uncomfortable.

545
00:39:24.000 --> 00:39:26.000
Okay, so this is this guy.

546
00:39:26.000 --> 00:39:27.000
All right, so that's good.

547
00:39:27.000 --> 00:39:32.000
You see, he misstepped at the beginning when she was first getting to know him,

548
00:39:32.000 --> 00:39:37.000
but he was willing after some constructive feedback to shift, to shift gears.

549
00:39:37.000 --> 00:39:40.000
And then they had a great date, and he did everything else right.

550
00:39:40.000 --> 00:39:42.000
So that's really good.

551
00:39:42.000 --> 00:39:44.000
He's very cute.

552
00:39:44.000 --> 00:39:46.000
Okay, so those are all the pros.

553
00:39:46.000 --> 00:39:47.000
So here are the cons.

554
00:39:47.000 --> 00:39:48.000
Here are the questionable things.

555
00:39:48.000 --> 00:39:51.000
I found out that he's not legally divorced yet.

556
00:39:51.000 --> 00:39:55.000
Although they're not living together, they are co-parenting,

557
00:39:55.000 --> 00:39:59.000
which, of course, they're going to co-parent, right, because they're getting divorced.

558
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:03.760
divorcing their children. They're divorcing each other. So, they're not living, but they

559
00:40:03.760 --> 00:40:09.160
are co-parenting. She lives far away. That sounds like it would be finalized soon. He

560
00:40:09.160 --> 00:40:13.480
might have a drinking problem. He drank several beers throughout the day, including before

561
00:40:13.480 --> 00:40:20.400
we started mini-golfing. And he told me he had a DUI years ago. When he was, when he

562
00:40:20.400 --> 00:40:25.880
ordered port beer, he commented on the fact that I wasn't drinking much and said, I'm

563
00:40:25.880 --> 00:40:30.680
not an alcoholic, even though I wasn't paying attention to what he was doing at that point.

564
00:40:30.680 --> 00:40:35.840
Interesting. Yes. Let's definitely call that a yellow flag. He might have been nervous.

565
00:40:35.840 --> 00:40:41.280
He might have not been doing something that he normally does. He said he had a DUI years

566
00:40:41.280 --> 00:40:47.040
ago. So, you know, at one point he at least drank too much on one occasion. Guys, it's

567
00:40:47.040 --> 00:40:52.880
very easy to get a DUI. Not just alcoholics get DUIs. All right? If you go someplace and

568
00:40:52.880 --> 00:40:58.520
you're someone who does drink alcohol and you drink too much alcohol in a shorter period

569
00:40:58.520 --> 00:41:03.040
of time, even if it's just two drinks or two and a half drinks, and then you drive and

570
00:41:03.040 --> 00:41:08.000
you get pulled over, you could get a DUI. Especially depending on your height and your

571
00:41:08.000 --> 00:41:11.880
body weight. So, there could be a lot more to that story. Not sure. So, definitely yellow

572
00:41:11.880 --> 00:41:18.200
flag. Potentially red. Yellow right now until we get more information. As far as the not

573
00:41:18.200 --> 00:41:22.760
divorced yet, but finalized soon. That happens in a lot of people's situations. If you're

574
00:41:22.760 --> 00:41:27.520
not planning on being romantically involved with them, like kissing and doing all the

575
00:41:27.520 --> 00:41:31.800
things, then I think it's fine to continue to get to know the person and just let them

576
00:41:31.800 --> 00:41:37.560
know that you would not be interested in anything serious with them or anything even romantic

577
00:41:37.560 --> 00:41:42.680
romantic with them. Okay? Right now you're just hanging out and going to mini golf, whatever.

578
00:41:42.680 --> 00:41:47.160
Until they are officially divorced. Okay? Because the reason why I say that is this.

579
00:41:47.160 --> 00:41:52.360
I believe that covenants don't end in American courts or Canadian courts or any courts. They

580
00:41:52.360 --> 00:41:57.920
end in heaven. All right? Even if a covenant was even made. A lot of people make contracts

581
00:41:57.920 --> 00:42:01.720
with the people they're married to. There's no covenant involved. There was always lying

582
00:42:01.720 --> 00:42:06.160
and infidelity and deceit in those situations. One person thought one thing when they were

583
00:42:06.160 --> 00:42:09.960
getting married and the other person knew a whole lot more than they were telling. Right?

584
00:42:09.960 --> 00:42:13.960
There's all kinds of things that make that contract null and void from the very beginning

585
00:42:13.960 --> 00:42:18.760
and it's certainly not a covenant. There's abuse, mental, verbal, emotional, physical,

586
00:42:18.760 --> 00:42:22.880
before the marriage even happens. So once again, it's not a covenant. We can't enter

587
00:42:22.880 --> 00:42:28.840
into covenants under those circumstances. But if it was a covenant and it was broken

588
00:42:28.840 --> 00:42:36.040
and it was broken in heaven. Okay? It was broken in heaven and usually far before long

589
00:42:36.040 --> 00:42:43.120
before. Can we go target? I'm going to go target. I have a return. Before those people

590
00:42:43.120 --> 00:42:46.840
ever end up in the court systems and the court system dragged them out and I know people

591
00:42:46.840 --> 00:42:50.800
that get held hostage. One of my girlfriends just sent me a message that she was finally

592
00:42:50.800 --> 00:42:54.960
divorced. We've been trying to help her get divorced for a couple of years now. Her husband

593
00:42:54.960 --> 00:42:58.440
disappeared. We couldn't find him. You guys, there's all kinds of extenuating circumstances

594
00:42:58.440 --> 00:43:02.120
with custody arrangements and property and all kinds of stuff. You guys already know

595
00:43:02.120 --> 00:43:06.280
that when I met David Dorman and he was my next door neighbor, he was not officially

596
00:43:06.280 --> 00:43:11.080
on paper divorced. They had been separated for two years. He had asked her even after

597
00:43:11.080 --> 00:43:14.320
meeting me if there was any chance that she would change her mind and get back together.

598
00:43:14.320 --> 00:43:19.320
He needed that for his own peace of mind. And she said, no way, Ray. There's no way

599
00:43:19.320 --> 00:43:24.200
that I'm ever going to come back. And she seemed really weirded out that after two years

600
00:43:24.200 --> 00:43:28.440
of being separated in the divorce process that he would even ask. But that's the kind

601
00:43:28.440 --> 00:43:34.120
of man that I married. My husband wanted to make sure even though, you know, he was falling

602
00:43:34.120 --> 00:43:38.560
in love with the neighbor. He wanted to make sure that if there was any chance in reconciling

603
00:43:38.560 --> 00:43:43.440
his family, because she was the one that left and she was the one that wanted a divorce,

604
00:43:43.440 --> 00:43:47.320
that he would do it and he could do it. So lots of extenuating circumstances. So as long

605
00:43:47.320 --> 00:43:50.720
as you let him know that you're not going to be doing anything, you're not going to

606
00:43:50.720 --> 00:43:55.440
be getting into any romantic kind of situation with him until that's official. I think that's

607
00:43:55.440 --> 00:44:04.440
fine. But follow your own conscience. Got to do that. Okay. So let's see. A few of his

608
00:44:04.440 --> 00:44:08.260
texts one night were very garbled. And after our date, I realized that he was probably

609
00:44:08.960 --> 00:44:15.420
drinking. Or wait, that's probably what was happening. Okay. Well, let's not assume. Alright,

610
00:44:15.420 --> 00:44:19.540
let's make sure that we know for sure. He was pushy about my career, suggesting I start

611
00:44:19.540 --> 00:44:25.260
a tax business instead of what I currently do. And not listening when I told him I wasn't

612
00:44:25.260 --> 00:44:31.580
interested. He made disparaging remarks about his ex indicating unresolved issues with his

613
00:44:31.580 --> 00:44:37.180
divorce. Okay. He did ask me out again and said he had an amazing time. I said yes in

614
00:44:37.180 --> 00:44:42.380
the moment, because I didn't have enough time to process everything. I'm listening

615
00:44:42.380 --> 00:44:48.060
out now. But I want to hear your thoughts. Part of me wants to have another conversation,

616
00:44:48.060 --> 00:44:52.740
if not another date. But I'd like your thoughts on the still anything else I mentioned. My

617
00:44:52.740 --> 00:44:57.420
gut is that he's probably not my guy. But I had fun golfing and it's been so good. And

618
00:44:57.420 --> 00:45:00.020
I think it's good for you to get out. I think that you've in the past.

619
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:07.000
and kind of selective, we'll use a nice word instead of picky, about who you'll even give a chance to and even give a date to.

620
00:45:07.000 --> 00:45:12.000
So I'm actually proud of you for getting out and having this date. Okay?

621
00:45:12.000 --> 00:45:16.000
It does sound like he is still in process with a lot of things.

622
00:45:16.000 --> 00:45:21.000
And I would encourage you, if he's interested in 1822, just go ahead and send him there.

623
00:45:21.000 --> 00:45:24.000
Hopefully you already did because that's kind of an older question.

624
00:45:24.000 --> 00:45:28.000
And see, let him do his hard work and see. You never know.

625
00:45:28.000 --> 00:45:33.000
But I agree with you that he's in process in some situations, but I'm really proud of you for giving him a chance,

626
00:45:33.000 --> 00:45:41.000
even after on that first phone call him, you know, TMIing you, telling you too much, too personal things.

627
00:45:41.000 --> 00:45:49.000
I think that shows a lot of progress for you. And so, yeah, I like that, and I think that's good.

628
00:45:49.000 --> 00:45:52.000
How do you introduce your kids to your Level 3 partner and each other?

629
00:45:52.000 --> 00:46:00.000
Our daughters are 10, 11, 12, 13, 16, 17, and 18.

630
00:46:00.000 --> 00:46:08.000
Let's see, you're only missing 10, 11, 12, 14, and 15, and then you have a whole set, a whole matching set.

631
00:46:08.000 --> 00:46:11.000
Any recommendations on how to do this and what to do?

632
00:46:11.000 --> 00:46:16.000
I have a feeling that you all already introduced your children because you are in SEMPAS.

633
00:46:16.000 --> 00:46:24.000
But for everybody else, I'll just say, I would make it really low stakes and really fun and really kind of laid back, low key.

634
00:46:24.000 --> 00:46:25.000
All right?

635
00:46:25.000 --> 00:46:28.000
Don't, like, go out to dinner and everyone's sitting at the table with each other.

636
00:46:28.000 --> 00:46:30.000
Plan something recreational.

637
00:46:30.000 --> 00:46:36.000
Even plan something group related so that, you know, oh, he shows up with his kids and you're there with your kids.

638
00:46:36.000 --> 00:46:42.000
Whether it's a ball game or it's a church outing or something where there's other people and there's other distractions,

639
00:46:42.000 --> 00:46:50.000
so that everyone can kind of meet each other in a low key way the very first time so that there isn't all of this pressure, right?

640
00:46:50.000 --> 00:46:53.000
Because some of your kids are going to feel differently than your other kids.

641
00:46:53.000 --> 00:46:54.000
You've got a lot of kids in the mix.

642
00:46:54.000 --> 00:46:58.000
And so some kids may be on board and other kids may not be on board.

643
00:46:58.000 --> 00:47:10.000
And so it's important for you to give them a non-pressured, non-high stakes, non-hostile kind of meeting environment.

644
00:47:10.000 --> 00:47:15.000
The man I'm dating, level three, has a porn sex addiction.

645
00:47:15.000 --> 00:47:18.000
All right, let's just cut right to the chase.

646
00:47:18.000 --> 00:47:19.000
All right, so I need to know more.

647
00:47:19.000 --> 00:47:21.000
You said he has one.

648
00:47:21.000 --> 00:47:24.000
Did he have one or does he have one?

649
00:47:24.000 --> 00:47:25.000
Those are important.

650
00:47:25.000 --> 00:47:27.000
Did he have one or does he have one now?

651
00:47:27.000 --> 00:47:34.000
Because if he has an active porn sex addiction, then he is not eligible for a relationship.

652
00:47:34.000 --> 00:47:35.000
All right?

653
00:47:35.000 --> 00:47:37.000
He's got to deal with that.

654
00:47:37.000 --> 00:47:38.000
All right?

655
00:47:38.000 --> 00:47:39.000
Does that mean you can't be his friend?

656
00:47:39.000 --> 00:47:42.000
You can be his friend if you have that kind of willpower.

657
00:47:42.000 --> 00:47:52.000
But if you get involved with someone who has a current, all right, active porn sex addiction, then there's going to be problems.

658
00:47:52.000 --> 00:47:54.000
There's just going to be problems.

659
00:47:54.000 --> 00:48:01.000
All right, so if you're telling me that he had one and he has taken the precautions

660
00:48:01.000 --> 00:48:08.000
and he's taken the steps in order to, you know, protect himself from himself while he's healing,

661
00:48:08.000 --> 00:48:14.000
so he has accountability, he has covenant eyes, he doesn't have access to devices, you know,

662
00:48:14.000 --> 00:48:20.000
and technology outside of, you know, devices and technology that have been blocked for his own safety,

663
00:48:20.000 --> 00:48:23.000
then I'm going to tell you that he's not serious about getting well.

664
00:48:23.000 --> 00:48:26.000
If he's not in some kind of counseling, in some kind of recovery program,

665
00:48:26.000 --> 00:48:28.000
then he's not serious about getting well.

666
00:48:28.000 --> 00:48:29.000
You want to know how I know?

667
00:48:29.000 --> 00:48:37.000
Because this is a situation where you can't get to that stuff without technology.

668
00:48:37.000 --> 00:48:45.000
And if you're not willing to take the technology that you have and protect yourself from it very easily,

669
00:48:45.000 --> 00:48:49.000
because there's all kinds of things now that you can do, that means you're not serious about it.

670
00:48:49.000 --> 00:48:56.000
If you want to give yourself the opportunity and the ability to just go and get it when you get weak in a weak moment,

671
00:48:56.000 --> 00:49:00.000
then that's not okay.

672
00:49:00.000 --> 00:49:01.000
It's not okay.

673
00:49:01.000 --> 00:49:06.000
It's showing that this person isn't really serious about getting healed, right?

674
00:49:06.000 --> 00:49:10.000
Deliverance only God can do, but then we have to walk that deliverance out.

675
00:49:10.000 --> 00:49:11.000
Through what?

676
00:49:11.000 --> 00:49:15.000
Through behavior modification, through the spirit, by leaning into the spirit,

677
00:49:15.000 --> 00:49:18.000
by leaning into accountability and help.

678
00:49:18.000 --> 00:49:21.000
You know, not just from the Holy Spirit, but also from people.

679
00:49:21.000 --> 00:49:25.000
And so I want you to tell me that he's surrounded himself with a bunch of men to hold him accountable,

680
00:49:25.000 --> 00:49:28.000
and he has shut down all technology in his life.

681
00:49:28.000 --> 00:49:31.000
He's locked it down and kept it from his own self.

682
00:49:31.000 --> 00:49:37.000
That's what I need to hear in order for him to be even a little bit safe for you to begin relationship with.

683
00:49:37.000 --> 00:49:39.000
Okay?

684
00:49:39.000 --> 00:49:44.000
And then once again, the nature of that addiction really twists people's minds, it rewires their brains,

685
00:49:44.000 --> 00:49:52.000
and they are going to need a lot of inner healing in order to get to a place where they are going to be able to have a healthy relationship with you.

686
00:49:52.000 --> 00:49:55.000
You can't hear me?

687
00:49:55.000 --> 00:49:57.000
Can you guys not hear me?

688
00:49:57.000 --> 00:49:58.000
Can you hear me?

689
00:49:58.000 --> 00:50:00.000
Have I just been talking to myself this whole time?

690
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:16.000
Can you hear me? Can you guys give me some emojis if you can hear me?

691
00:50:16.000 --> 00:50:18.000
Can you hear me? Okay.

692
00:50:18.000 --> 00:50:20.000
All right, you guys.

693
00:50:20.000 --> 00:50:22.000
We got to be careful with that.

694
00:50:22.000 --> 00:50:24.000
All right.

695
00:50:24.000 --> 00:50:26.000
Have sex addiction.

696
00:50:26.000 --> 00:50:28.000
Gotta be careful with that.

697
00:50:28.000 --> 00:50:29.000
I mean, the Bible is really clear.

698
00:50:29.000 --> 00:50:33.000
It says, you know, in the Old Testament, if your eye offends you, pluck it out.

699
00:50:33.000 --> 00:50:35.000
Actually, that's the New Testament.

700
00:50:35.000 --> 00:50:37.000
If your eye offends you, pluck it out.

701
00:50:37.000 --> 00:50:39.000
If your hand offends you, cut it off.

702
00:50:39.000 --> 00:50:41.000
All right?

703
00:50:41.000 --> 00:50:43.000
Men, women, doesn't matter who they are,

704
00:50:43.000 --> 00:50:49.000
if you got a situation that is really dangerous to your salvation and to your eternity

705
00:50:49.000 --> 00:50:54.000
and to your life and to your family and to anything and everything that you could possibly want,

706
00:50:54.000 --> 00:50:58.000
then you got to really get serious about changing that.

707
00:50:58.000 --> 00:50:59.000
Right?

708
00:50:59.000 --> 00:51:03.000
You do.

709
00:51:03.000 --> 00:51:04.000
All right.

710
00:51:04.000 --> 00:51:06.000
Right here.

711
00:51:06.000 --> 00:51:09.000
All right.

712
00:51:09.000 --> 00:51:12.000
All right.

713
00:51:12.000 --> 00:51:13.000
Hi, Jackie.

714
00:51:13.000 --> 00:51:15.000
I met a man at a Christian retreat on March 22nd.

715
00:51:15.000 --> 00:51:18.000
The retreat was an addiction recovery Christian retreat center.

716
00:51:18.000 --> 00:51:21.000
Initially, he didn't understand what the place was about,

717
00:51:22.000 --> 00:51:26.000
but after taking a tour, he sought me out because my father was in the program in 76.

718
00:51:26.000 --> 00:51:31.000
He shared that he has a year clean from cocaine and other drugs from his work,

719
00:51:31.000 --> 00:51:37.000
seeking out the Lord, going to prayer, when feeling urges to use, goes to prayer.

720
00:51:37.000 --> 00:51:39.000
We went out on our first date a couple of weeks later.

721
00:51:39.000 --> 00:51:44.000
Our second date, we went bowling, and he gave me a trophy for the prettiest bowler.

722
00:51:44.000 --> 00:51:45.000
That's nice.

723
00:51:45.000 --> 00:51:47.000
He's been very sweet and thoughtful.

724
00:51:47.000 --> 00:51:49.000
We also have a significant age difference.

725
00:51:49.000 --> 00:51:51.000
He's 41, and I'm 55.

726
00:51:51.000 --> 00:51:52.000
He's okay with that.

727
00:51:52.000 --> 00:51:55.000
My friends say we don't look like we have any age difference.

728
00:51:55.000 --> 00:51:58.000
We see each other about twice a week at my Bible study

729
00:51:58.000 --> 00:52:00.000
and some other activities during the weekend.

730
00:52:00.000 --> 00:52:02.000
When he came to the first Bible study,

731
00:52:02.000 --> 00:52:05.000
a couple of women recognized him from a local house of prayer

732
00:52:05.000 --> 00:52:07.000
where they had seen him the night before praying.

733
00:52:07.000 --> 00:52:11.000
My weekly Bible study includes one of my pastors and the youth pastor,

734
00:52:11.000 --> 00:52:13.000
and they both hit it off with him.

735
00:52:13.000 --> 00:52:15.000
All right?

736
00:52:16.000 --> 00:52:20.000
The following week, one of my girlfriends brought her new boyfriend to the study,

737
00:52:20.000 --> 00:52:22.000
and he's also friends with the man I'm seeing.

738
00:52:22.000 --> 00:52:24.000
My dad came to visit from California.

739
00:52:24.000 --> 00:52:25.000
We went out to dinner.

740
00:52:25.000 --> 00:52:26.000
He likes him as well.

741
00:52:26.000 --> 00:52:29.000
A couple of weeks ago, we went to a seminar on listening prayer.

742
00:52:29.000 --> 00:52:32.000
Afterwards, he was very anxious talking about the future

743
00:52:32.000 --> 00:52:36.000
because before meeting me, he had never thought about getting married,

744
00:52:36.000 --> 00:52:40.000
and he has been thinking about how he would have to change his life to make this happen.

745
00:52:40.000 --> 00:52:44.000
He also said, What if I cheat on you?

746
00:52:45.000 --> 00:52:49.000
I told him he was getting ahead of himself and overthinking things,

747
00:52:49.000 --> 00:52:51.000
that he should relax and just enjoy getting to know me.

748
00:52:51.000 --> 00:52:55.000
In the same conversation, he shared that he has an addiction to porn

749
00:52:55.000 --> 00:52:58.000
and asked me if I could be his accountability partner.

750
00:52:58.000 --> 00:53:02.000
Y'all, 100% no, 1,000% no, 1,000,000% no.

751
00:53:02.000 --> 00:53:06.000
Don't ever become the accountability partner of any man that you are dating,

752
00:53:06.000 --> 00:53:09.000
any man that you're engaged to, married to,

753
00:53:09.000 --> 00:53:12.000
any man that has any kind of addiction, whether porn or otherwise.

754
00:53:12.000 --> 00:53:15.000
You are not their accountability partner.

755
00:53:15.000 --> 00:53:16.000
Why?

756
00:53:16.000 --> 00:53:19.000
Because that turns very quickly into enabler and addict,

757
00:53:19.000 --> 00:53:21.000
and we're not going to do that.

758
00:53:21.000 --> 00:53:25.000
They have to go get accountability with other men.

759
00:53:25.000 --> 00:53:26.000
Important.

760
00:53:26.000 --> 00:53:29.000
In fact, part of the reason why they're dealing with addictions is because

761
00:53:29.000 --> 00:53:33.000
they didn't have the right male leadership and role models in their life in the first place,

762
00:53:33.000 --> 00:53:35.000
and so this is important.

763
00:53:35.000 --> 00:53:40.000
All right, so this story is just getting.

764
00:53:40.000 --> 00:53:43.000
So he has a porn addiction.

765
00:53:43.000 --> 00:53:46.000
Last week he asked if we could see each other exclusively.

766
00:53:46.000 --> 00:53:53.000
I was initially hesitant.

767
00:53:53.000 --> 00:53:54.000
Sorry, I lost my place.

768
00:53:54.000 --> 00:53:56.000
This is a very long paragraph.

769
00:53:56.000 --> 00:53:58.000
Y'all, I need you guys to shorten these paragraphs.

770
00:53:58.000 --> 00:54:10.000
This paragraph is like 15 years long.

771
00:54:10.000 --> 00:54:12.000
Okay.

772
00:54:12.000 --> 00:54:15.000
Let me just kind of go read through this, okay?

773
00:54:15.000 --> 00:54:16.000
He has a porn addiction.

774
00:54:16.000 --> 00:54:31.000
He asked you to be his accountability partner.

775
00:54:31.000 --> 00:54:33.000
He wants to be exclusive.

776
00:54:33.000 --> 00:54:35.000
You said you thought it was a little bit soon,

777
00:54:35.000 --> 00:54:37.000
but the next day you were good with being exclusive.

778
00:54:37.000 --> 00:54:39.000
He does comedy as a side gig.

779
00:54:39.000 --> 00:54:41.000
You went to see him in the show for the first time.

780
00:54:41.000 --> 00:54:47.000
Afterwards he went back to his apartment and you got physically involved.

781
00:54:47.000 --> 00:54:51.000
No sex, but definitely sexual more than appropriate.

782
00:54:51.000 --> 00:54:52.000
You don't blame him.

783
00:54:52.000 --> 00:54:54.000
It was definitely both of you.

784
00:54:54.000 --> 00:54:57.000
This is what happens, y'all.

785
00:54:57.000 --> 00:55:00.000
This is what happens, okay?

786
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:08.000
And here's the thing, a lot of people think that when, a lot of people that have porn addictions think,

787
00:55:08.000 --> 00:55:13.000
well, you know, I'm trying to do the right thing, but all I need is, I just need an outlet for my sexuality.

788
00:55:13.000 --> 00:55:19.000
I just need to get married and once I'm allowed to have sex, then, you know, then I won't have this problem anymore.

789
00:55:19.000 --> 00:55:21.000
And that's not true. It isn't.

790
00:55:21.000 --> 00:55:25.000
If they have a porn addiction before they marry you, they're going to have a porn addiction after.

791
00:55:25.000 --> 00:55:32.000
If they have an unbridled, undelivered porn addiction, they're going to have one after they marry you, too.

792
00:55:32.000 --> 00:55:40.000
Okay. And the sex that you have with them is going to get probably pretty bizarre and pretty empty and you're not going to be happy.

793
00:55:40.000 --> 00:55:44.000
How do I know this? Because I was married to a man with a porn addiction for 13 years.

794
00:55:44.000 --> 00:55:47.000
So listen to me.

795
00:55:47.000 --> 00:55:52.000
All right. So the next morning I sat down.

796
00:55:52.000 --> 00:55:56.000
I looked up articles about this and prognosis is for sex addiction is not good,

797
00:55:56.000 --> 00:56:00.000
but I know that God can heal anyone from anything at any time.

798
00:56:00.000 --> 00:56:06.000
You stated his place. Okay. So you guys got physical.

799
00:56:06.000 --> 00:56:14.000
You didn't sleep that night thinking about it. You looked up articles.

800
00:56:14.000 --> 00:56:18.000
Okay. He apologized, needed to do better.

801
00:56:18.000 --> 00:56:22.000
I told me he needs deliverance and Godly men in his life. So he signed up for my church.

802
00:56:22.000 --> 00:56:26.000
He took me out to dinner last night before Bible study and he barely kissed me.

803
00:56:26.000 --> 00:56:31.000
Seems to be really careful about boundaries. We went to Bible study and he has he was so funny.

804
00:56:31.000 --> 00:56:35.000
Everyone loves him and he's just amazing. So I feel like he's taking steps to work on himself.

805
00:56:35.000 --> 00:56:40.000
But I know these are very big issues. So while I'm getting attached to him, I do have my eyes open.

806
00:56:40.000 --> 00:56:43.000
I really do need to hear your thoughts on this situation.

807
00:56:43.000 --> 00:56:48.000
Well, it's a very slippery slope, Maria. I'm just going to tell you it is.

808
00:56:48.000 --> 00:56:52.000
And that was a while ago. So I really would like an update to see where you guys are now.

809
00:56:52.000 --> 00:56:57.000
And the fact that he's very funny is also a yellow flag for me because once again,

810
00:56:57.000 --> 00:57:04.000
that is a self-defense mechanism, deflecting feelings, bringing humor instead of really dealing with deep emotions.

811
00:57:04.000 --> 00:57:09.000
You know, there's just a lot going on here. A lot, a lot, a lot.

812
00:57:09.000 --> 00:57:13.000
And what I really don't like about the situation is that after being in relationship with him,

813
00:57:13.000 --> 00:57:20.000
now you are bending your own boundaries and you're doing things that you know are not going to make you feel good about yourself.

814
00:57:20.000 --> 00:57:24.000
And so these are all very serious, very serious things.

815
00:57:24.000 --> 00:57:28.000
And so I would like to see where you are now. If you could update us, that would be great.

816
00:57:28.000 --> 00:57:34.000
Do I try to work it out with my ex-fiance whom I still have a spiritual relationship with or move on?

817
00:57:34.000 --> 00:57:40.000
Spiritual relationship. We have made it almost two years long distance besides a few months broken up

818
00:57:40.000 --> 00:57:47.000
and we stayed pure throughout tonight, though, because our attraction is bonkers.

819
00:57:47.000 --> 00:57:50.000
All right. I don't know. I don't know what you're talking about.

820
00:57:50.000 --> 00:57:52.000
You were engaged to them and now you're not engaged to them.

821
00:57:52.000 --> 00:57:56.000
And you're wondering if you guys should just get back together. I need more information.

822
00:57:56.000 --> 00:57:59.000
I don't know. Why did you break up? Because of the distance?

823
00:57:59.000 --> 00:58:05.000
Why didn't one of you move if you were engaged? What the heck happened? I need more information.

824
00:58:05.000 --> 00:58:11.000
All right. I'm going to try to get these more recent questions done now.

825
00:58:11.000 --> 00:58:15.000
How do you communicate with a man while being sensitive to his ego,

826
00:58:15.000 --> 00:58:22.000
but at the same time not downplaying your intelligence and making yourself into a smaller version?

827
00:58:22.000 --> 00:58:24.000
Sarah, I don't know what you're talking about.

828
00:58:24.000 --> 00:58:29.000
So, you communicate with a man the same way that you would communicate with anybody and everybody else.

829
00:58:29.000 --> 00:58:34.000
You just be yourself. You just talk like you talk. You don't have to talk differently to a man.

830
00:58:34.000 --> 00:58:37.000
You don't have to walk on eggshells or not be who you are.

831
00:58:37.000 --> 00:58:42.000
If a man isn't okay with your personality or your level of intelligence, then guess what?

832
00:58:42.000 --> 00:58:48.000
He's not your person. When I chatted with guys online, some common reactions I experience are,

833
00:58:48.000 --> 00:58:51.000
I'm bored. I'm repulsed. I'm friend-zoned.

834
00:58:51.000 --> 00:58:56.000
I rarely like anyone I go on a date with, especially Christian men, because they generally have no game.

835
00:58:56.000 --> 00:59:02.000
I agree with you. Maybe I am just not meeting quality men, or is there something I can change?

836
00:59:02.000 --> 00:59:07.000
I think a lot of Christian men don't have any game because they think that having game makes them bad, right?

837
00:59:07.000 --> 00:59:11.000
They're not taught to have any game. They're very passive in a lot of ways,

838
00:59:11.000 --> 00:59:17.000
especially guys that were raised in the church or guys that go to charismatic or revival stream churches.

839
00:59:17.000 --> 00:59:22.000
And so I agree with you in that. All right. So once again, let's not chat online.

840
00:59:22.000 --> 00:59:26.000
Let's get in person. Let's do fun things so you can see what their personalities are like,

841
00:59:26.000 --> 00:59:32.000
because if you're bored and you're friend-zoned, it's important that we stop talking online and we start talking in person.

842
00:59:32.000 --> 00:59:36.000
So I'd love to see you get out there this summer and meet people in person.

843
00:59:36.000 --> 00:59:40.000
OK, let's get to some in-person events. Let's get to some meetups.

844
00:59:40.000 --> 00:59:45.000
Let's get to some community events, not just spiritual community, but just community in general,

845
00:59:45.000 --> 00:59:51.000
wherever you live. Look on Eventbrite and see what events are in your community

846
00:59:51.000 --> 00:59:57.000
and go places and meet people in person and see who, you know, kind of gets you sparking.

847
00:59:57.000 --> 01:00:00.000
I know you have said,

848
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:05.240
I'd give God the pen to your love story, but what is your take on guys with disabilities?

849
01:00:05.240 --> 01:00:09.320
My husband was disabled and I stayed and stood by him every surgery and throughout all the

850
01:00:09.320 --> 01:00:11.560
pain and medication and addictions.

851
01:00:11.560 --> 01:00:15.720
I know no one knows when something will happen to them, but I don't want to start out a relationship

852
01:00:15.720 --> 01:00:16.720
that way.

853
01:00:16.720 --> 01:00:20.360
I've seen some guys that may be nice, but they have some kind of disability and I don't

854
01:00:20.360 --> 01:00:21.360
want to deal with that.

855
01:00:21.360 --> 01:00:23.720
You say you don't want to sound mean.

856
01:00:23.720 --> 01:00:24.720
I get it.

857
01:00:24.720 --> 01:00:25.720
You don't sound mean.

858
01:00:25.720 --> 01:00:26.720
You sound traumatized.

859
01:00:26.720 --> 01:00:27.720
You don't sound mean.

860
01:00:27.720 --> 01:00:31.960
You sound like you've been through a lot and now you're looking at everything through that

861
01:00:31.960 --> 01:00:32.960
lens.

862
01:00:32.960 --> 01:00:38.800
I just had a couple get married that got married as a result of this program and he only has

863
01:00:38.800 --> 01:00:40.240
one leg.

864
01:00:40.240 --> 01:00:41.240
Just one.

865
01:00:41.240 --> 01:00:43.280
But apparently that's all you need.

866
01:00:43.280 --> 01:00:44.400
All right.

867
01:00:44.400 --> 01:00:48.760
So I guess what I'm saying is that not all disabilities are the same and some disabilities

868
01:00:48.760 --> 01:00:53.760
can't even be seen like fibromyalgia or mental health issues.

869
01:00:53.760 --> 01:00:58.720
And so I really do want you to not just surrender the pen to God, but also invite Holy Spirit

870
01:00:58.720 --> 01:01:05.760
to come and heal you from your past experience so that you won't, number one, be afraid of

871
01:01:05.760 --> 01:01:08.800
ending up in the same situation as you were in before.

872
01:01:08.800 --> 01:01:13.000
And number two, you won't look at everyone through the lens of that.

873
01:01:13.000 --> 01:01:14.000
Okay?

874
01:01:14.000 --> 01:01:16.480
We don't want to look through that lens.

875
01:01:16.480 --> 01:01:19.040
I am 40, never married, never dated.

876
01:01:19.040 --> 01:01:25.720
It's always been like I like someone, they don't like me, or they like me, but I don't

877
01:01:25.720 --> 01:01:26.720
like them.

878
01:01:26.720 --> 01:01:27.720
Isn't that it?

879
01:01:27.720 --> 01:01:30.720
Don't we hate that?

880
01:01:30.720 --> 01:01:32.760
Okay.

881
01:01:32.760 --> 01:01:35.720
I'm open to dating someone younger than me, but not too young.

882
01:01:35.720 --> 01:01:37.840
I look like I'm in my 20s, by the way.

883
01:01:37.840 --> 01:01:38.840
Well good for you, girl.

884
01:01:38.840 --> 01:01:43.320
Then this guy in my Bible study group who is 16 years younger than me started to ask

885
01:01:43.320 --> 01:01:47.880
me questions like whether you want to get married or you want to have kids, what kind

886
01:01:47.880 --> 01:01:49.320
of guy you're looking for.

887
01:01:49.320 --> 01:01:52.160
I told him that I want to get married and also my age.

888
01:01:52.160 --> 01:01:55.400
He was surprised and said that I only look 25.

889
01:01:55.400 --> 01:01:56.400
You're 40, right?

890
01:01:56.400 --> 01:01:57.400
Yeah.

891
01:01:57.400 --> 01:02:03.080
Recently, he added me on social media and it seems that he looks at it, and I figured

892
01:02:03.080 --> 01:02:07.480
out that I used to live in some other countries and figured out, okay.

893
01:02:07.480 --> 01:02:11.280
So last Friday, he started to ask me questions about these cities, I started to doubt whether

894
01:02:11.280 --> 01:02:15.040
he is interested in me, but a friend told me that he is not actively seeking a relationship

895
01:02:15.040 --> 01:02:17.880
now and prefers someone younger than him.

896
01:02:17.880 --> 01:02:21.440
At first, I think that I only want to treat him as a friend and get to know males more

897
01:02:21.440 --> 01:02:23.320
because I don't have a lot of male friends.

898
01:02:23.320 --> 01:02:25.960
Also, he is a safe since he is younger than me.

899
01:02:25.960 --> 01:02:30.080
However, I started to be bothered by him a little bit more now since I'm afraid that

900
01:02:30.080 --> 01:02:33.080
I would catch a feeling for him if we keep talking more.

901
01:02:33.080 --> 01:02:36.440
He does have some qualities I'm looking for in a husband, but I'm not sure how mature

902
01:02:36.440 --> 01:02:37.440
he is.

903
01:02:37.440 --> 01:02:40.880
Also, from some other clues, it seems that he doesn't set good emotional boundaries

904
01:02:40.880 --> 01:02:41.880
with women.

905
01:02:41.880 --> 01:02:45.480
Should I keep talking to him, should I avoid him, or should I address my concerns with

906
01:02:45.480 --> 01:02:46.480
him?

907
01:02:46.480 --> 01:02:48.880
I honestly don't want to waste too much of my energy on this person.

908
01:02:48.880 --> 01:02:52.560
Also, I'm wondering whether God is revealing some healing needs to take place in me.

909
01:02:52.560 --> 01:02:53.560
Any insights?

910
01:02:53.560 --> 01:02:54.560
Thank you.

911
01:02:54.560 --> 01:02:57.480
Alright, so, you're in community together, okay, so you're level one.

912
01:02:57.480 --> 01:02:59.680
You're in community together no matter what.

913
01:02:59.680 --> 01:03:03.560
You're 40 and you, did you say how old he is?

914
01:03:03.560 --> 01:03:04.560
You didn't.

915
01:03:04.560 --> 01:03:10.800
Okay, he's 16 years older, younger than you, so he's 24.

916
01:03:10.800 --> 01:03:16.000
Okay, so, I mean, it's probably not going to go anywhere, honestly, even if you do look

917
01:03:16.000 --> 01:03:23.480
young, but at the same time, he's 24, so if he seems immature, it's because he is immature.

918
01:03:23.480 --> 01:03:24.480
He's 24 years old.

919
01:03:24.480 --> 01:03:30.560
And, you guys, the reason why we don't usually like people a lot younger than us, especially

920
01:03:30.560 --> 01:03:32.640
men, is because men mature slower than women.

921
01:03:32.640 --> 01:03:33.640
That's a fact.

922
01:03:33.640 --> 01:03:35.760
That is not a myth.

923
01:03:35.760 --> 01:03:36.760
They do.

924
01:03:36.760 --> 01:03:37.760
Okay?

925
01:03:37.760 --> 01:03:43.200
Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, okay, the only place that they mature quicker than

926
01:03:43.200 --> 01:03:48.640
us usually is physically, and that's just after puberty, right?

927
01:03:48.640 --> 01:03:52.200
My brother didn't hit his growth spurt until he was 18, and I was already my full height

928
01:03:52.200 --> 01:03:54.040
by the time I was 14.

929
01:03:54.040 --> 01:03:59.240
And so, the bottom line is, is that someone that's that much younger, especially at the

930
01:03:59.240 --> 01:04:03.040
season of life that you're in where you want to get married and have kids, you're 40 years

931
01:04:03.040 --> 01:04:06.840
old, you want to do that, you want to do that right away, this guy's not in your season.

932
01:04:06.920 --> 01:04:10.760
Guys, it's not about different ages, it's about seasons, and this guy is not ready for

933
01:04:10.760 --> 01:04:12.880
any of that.

934
01:04:12.880 --> 01:04:16.760
Not a dating question, but can we do a session on generational curses?

935
01:04:16.760 --> 01:04:18.920
No, probably not.

936
01:04:18.920 --> 01:04:19.920
And you know why?

937
01:04:19.920 --> 01:04:26.000
Because we can do, we can, I can put it in, I can put it in a path session of why I don't

938
01:04:26.000 --> 01:04:27.760
believe you should be focused on that.

939
01:04:27.760 --> 01:04:31.800
You guys are going to find out really quickly that I'm not a courts of heaven person.

940
01:04:31.800 --> 01:04:36.560
I don't think we should be going around trying to do what Jesus already did on the cross.

941
01:04:36.560 --> 01:04:38.160
Now does that mean I don't believe in deliverance?

942
01:04:38.160 --> 01:04:42.160
I believe in deliverance, but I don't believe that deliverance happens the way people think

943
01:04:42.160 --> 01:04:43.680
that it does.

944
01:04:43.680 --> 01:04:46.960
And that's because I've gone through a lot of deliverance, and guess what, none of it

945
01:04:46.960 --> 01:04:48.440
was on my schedule.

946
01:04:48.440 --> 01:04:52.520
I didn't just get to go to a class and get delivered, okay?

947
01:04:52.520 --> 01:04:56.080
There were things going on in my heart and in my life that I wasn't even aware of, and

948
01:04:56.080 --> 01:04:59.880
that's why in heart work, we say, hey, don't go digging, don't go digging for

949
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:06.160
trauma let trauma surface let it surface through this supernatural surrender process where you're

950
01:05:06.160 --> 01:05:09.920
surrendering to god and you're saying teach me show me heal me grow me and you're letting him

951
01:05:09.920 --> 01:05:17.360
drive the train i've had some powerful deliverance moments in my life i did not seek any of them out

952
01:05:17.920 --> 01:05:24.720
what i was seeking out was god what i was seeking out was him and as i was seeking him he took me to

953
01:05:24.720 --> 01:05:29.440
the places to give me the things that i needed the revelation that i needed right the breakthrough

954
01:05:29.440 --> 01:05:35.120
that i needed the deliverance that i needed and that's the way that it works okay unless you're

955
01:05:35.120 --> 01:05:40.400
demon possessed okay there's definitely deliverance for that right people that are demon possessed

956
01:05:40.400 --> 01:05:44.560
come into supernaturally charged environments and people are casting out devils especially

957
01:05:44.560 --> 01:05:50.320
on missions trips and other things that's completely different all right once again god is

958
01:05:51.440 --> 01:05:56.880
god all right and when we surrender to him we surrender everything to him all of our good all

959
01:05:56.880 --> 01:06:01.440
of our bad all of our ugly right because the only thing good in us is him anyway we surrender all of

960
01:06:01.440 --> 01:06:07.920
it and we are telling him i trust you to give me not just what i need but what i want and to take

961
01:06:07.920 --> 01:06:14.160
me the places that i need to be to make the deposit in me that i need when i need it right

962
01:06:14.160 --> 01:06:18.480
god knows who we are he knows where we are he knows what we need and he knows how to get it to us

963
01:06:18.480 --> 01:06:23.840
and so sometime i'll talk to you guys and tell you about all of my experiences personally with

964
01:06:23.840 --> 01:06:28.720
deliverance and once again it wasn't because i went to some deliverance minister or deliverance

965
01:06:28.720 --> 01:06:33.120
ministry it wasn't because i went to the courts of heaven and petitioned on the behalf of my

966
01:06:33.120 --> 01:06:38.640
ancestors and all this stuff there are some times when god reveals certain things to us that we need

967
01:06:38.640 --> 01:06:44.160
to know but going digging around and trying to find that stuff and trying to do that work on your own

968
01:06:44.160 --> 01:06:49.600
simply because you think that the problems in your life stem from something in the past the bible

969
01:06:49.600 --> 01:06:54.960
clearly says that's not true it says that because you have to understand back in the old testament

970
01:06:54.960 --> 01:07:02.240
if the parents sinned the whole family got killed remember achan remember hayman right and so

971
01:07:03.120 --> 01:07:08.720
god did away with that because it's not fair for your your you know these people to sin and for

972
01:07:08.720 --> 01:07:14.320
you to pay the consequences of it right a lot of times we pay natural consequences of someone else's

973
01:07:14.320 --> 01:07:19.680
sin like your dad runs off with another woman and then your family is thrust into poverty or

974
01:07:19.680 --> 01:07:24.720
your mom marries the next man she meets and he's no good alcoholic and then you're thrust into a

975
01:07:24.720 --> 01:07:32.720
whole crazy sin shame cycle of abuse yeah there's natural consequences of things you didn't do it

976
01:07:32.720 --> 01:07:36.160
but now you have to live out the consequences and that's what heart work is about it's about

977
01:07:36.160 --> 01:07:41.360
forgiving people it's about releasing those things so that we can move forward and move on okay

978
01:07:42.080 --> 01:07:47.200
that's really important but there's a scripture that says that the parents have eaten sour grapes

979
01:07:47.200 --> 01:07:52.960
and the children are feeling the sourness their teeth is set on edge and he said no longer will

980
01:07:52.960 --> 01:08:03.520
this saying be true in israel everybody will suffer at their own at their their own decisions

981
01:08:03.520 --> 01:08:10.560
basically right and so i don't believe that god has asked us to go to the courts of heavens and

982
01:08:10.560 --> 01:08:15.440
petition and do those things you know i'm not throwing that minister under the bus or that

983
01:08:15.440 --> 01:08:20.640
theology under the bus but i don't believe it's biblical and the generational curses and us seeking

984
01:08:20.640 --> 01:08:26.560
those things out i don't believe that that's biblical either okay jesus finished it he died

985
01:08:26.560 --> 01:08:31.520
for you and as you there will be times when you get greater revelation and greater breakthrough

986
01:08:31.520 --> 01:08:36.240
there will be times that there are things that you know because of the trauma remember trauma

987
01:08:36.240 --> 01:08:40.640
doesn't just hurt us it creates different versions of us and so those counterfeits that you're living

988
01:08:40.640 --> 01:08:44.640
out of we have to let go of those things and we don't always let go of those things right away

989
01:08:44.640 --> 01:08:49.040
because what does jesus say he says if you continue in my word you will know the truth

990
01:08:49.040 --> 01:08:53.279
and it will make you free it's about going forward it's about continuing it's about growing it's about

991
01:08:53.279 --> 01:08:58.560
maturing by the washing of the water of the word it's about continuing to learn it's about being

992
01:08:58.560 --> 01:09:04.399
renewed in our minds be you be you transformed by the renewing of your minds right and that word

993
01:09:04.399 --> 01:09:09.680
mind is interchangeable with heart that's heart work stuff and so that is how we continue to get

994
01:09:09.680 --> 01:09:15.120
delivered and walk it out there are moments of breakthrough that are very supernatural and i

995
01:09:15.120 --> 01:09:19.359
think we call those things deliverance but those are moments of revelation where we're just coming

996
01:09:19.359 --> 01:09:24.720
into more congruence with who we really are and all the false and counterfeit is falling away

997
01:09:24.720 --> 01:09:30.319
and then we're empowered to continue to walk in that higher level of truth does that make sense

998
01:09:31.279 --> 01:09:35.840
i hope it makes sense so i'm not against deliverance ministries i think that they have

999
01:09:35.840 --> 01:09:41.040
their place if they're biblical um in people's lives that are oppressed or even possessed but

1000
01:09:41.040 --> 01:09:46.000
at the same time um i want to let you guys know that god is going to be the author of your

1001
01:09:46.000 --> 01:09:55.600
breakthrough all right and you can't just go digging around for it okay so all right

1002
01:09:55.600 --> 01:09:59.840
all right i think that's going to be all tonight for us jackie we

1003
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:05.360
already been on here for a long time so I appreciate you all showing up tonight

1004
01:10:05.360 --> 01:10:10.280
I'm sitting in the dark I got to go in Target and make a return and oh for

1005
01:10:10.280 --> 01:10:13.120
those of you that are going through the menopause with me let me show you my

1006
01:10:13.120 --> 01:10:17.120
book that I just got I haven't read it so I can't tell you if it's good or not

1007
01:10:17.120 --> 01:10:22.480
but it has come highly referred to me from a doctor that is really

1008
01:10:22.480 --> 01:10:27.000
specializing in this and I'm so thankful you guys knowledge is increasing about

1009
01:10:27.000 --> 01:10:31.480
taboo subjects people didn't used to talk about menopause right my mom didn't

1010
01:10:31.480 --> 01:10:35.240
even tell me about my period I didn't know anything about anything right so

1011
01:10:35.240 --> 01:10:39.520
I'm very thankful for all of this knowledge that's coming but anyway it's

1012
01:10:39.520 --> 01:10:45.240
called this is by dr. Mindy Pelz and it's called the menopause reset I don't

1013
01:10:45.240 --> 01:10:49.960
know if it's good or not but I am gonna read it and I'll let you know after I

1014
01:10:49.960 --> 01:10:54.840
read it it's sold out it's sold out at all the bookstores that's why I had a

1015
01:10:54.840 --> 01:10:59.160
copy on hold for me and so I will tell you get rid of your symptoms and feel

1016
01:10:59.160 --> 01:11:05.640
like your younger self again come on that sounds fun okay and David David's

1017
01:11:05.640 --> 01:11:13.400
like yay he's like get rid of all your menopause symptoms let's see let's name

1018
01:11:13.400 --> 01:11:19.200
them I have tailbone pain I have a little bit of hot flashes they're not

1019
01:11:19.200 --> 01:11:27.960
bad um what else I have fast I've gained a bunch of weight brain fog

1020
01:11:27.960 --> 01:11:34.360
obviously as you just saw yeah I think that's it but I will let you guys know

1021
01:11:34.360 --> 01:11:38.920
I'll let you know I'll see if I can recommend it to you all right and for

1022
01:11:38.920 --> 01:11:44.600
all of you that are younger enjoy it don't complain about your periods be

1023
01:11:44.600 --> 01:11:51.760
like yay it flow is here again right unless you have PCOS or something and

1024
01:11:51.760 --> 01:11:57.160
then be healed in Jesus name love y'all I'll see you soon