Okay, so welcome to our weekly check in session for phase two.
My name is Renee and I'm here at the middle of the day with you all normally Carla is
here, I forget where she is, but I'm excited to be here with you as many of you as possible
and for those of you that are watching in playback.
And so there is only one session tonight, because you are being invited to join whenever
our Tuesday night loveseat overlaps with our check in, Jackie likes you guys to just join
the main group in phase three, which includes the women and some of the men.
And it's just like a weekly check in y'all.
It's just it's an hour, an hour and a half of getting Jackie's ear on dating advice.
So you get willing to go in the hot seat or the loveseat and you share your dating story.
So it's a great, just just always great to hear from her and learn from her.
But I of course love that we always get to do these smaller check ins and so anybody
here for the first time do we have any Oh, the picture of me, you're talking about the
picture of me.
Thank you.
I thought you were talking about the picture next to me.
The picture of me.
Thank you.
That was a professional photo shoot that I did all good to the photographer y'all like
I just don't photograph well and she is a rock star.
She actually just did the Dolly Parton book and so that was she happens to be a friend
of mine and that's what happens in Nashville.
You just know random people.
And so she made me even even me look good in photos.
So that was a big big thing.
Okay.
So if you are here for the first time, let me just go through some housekeeping or if
like you've not been here in a while or you're watching this in replay and you're here for
the first time.
Thank you for coming.
Some of you have been in phase two just moments and some of you I can't get rid of and I love
when you're here.
So just so you guys know you're meant to be in phase two for about a month.
There are five main videos to watch unlike phase one that had 14 videos a lot of reading
and a lot of homework that we lighten the load a little bit in phase two.
So there's five main videos, but those videos are like an hour 75 minutes long.
So we encourage you to take a week to watch them because not everybody can watch them
all in one sitting and really kind of unpack it.
The first one is love story accelerator.
Jackie kind of talks about what phase two is about.
She issues a dating challenge.
Do not panic.
You guys, you're like some of you are like, oh my gosh, I'm not going to get to seven
dates, whatever.
Just do your best to get back out there.
That's the only point of it.
She gives you a walking challenge, a healthy eating and a healthy water challenge and all
the things like to put a dress on.
Then she does the teaching for dating 101 and we talk about the different levels of
dating.
For most of us, this is a game changer.
It is learning how to do what we call level one discovery dating where you're not getting
romantic with anybody for the first four or five, six dates that you're going out on a
bunch of dates with different guys at the same exact time that slows you down.
It doesn't, it doesn't have you put all your eggs in one basket and it doesn't get you
fantasizing about somebody before you're really even getting a chance to get to know
them.
It's also giving you an opportunity to let attraction grow.
It is actually okay for you to not feel physically attracted to the guy that you might marry
on the first date.
He is a complete stranger to you and sometimes that physical that you have on the first day
is not the healthy thing, right?
We get it.
Like we want to crawl across the table and like make out with him.
I don't know about you, but every guy that I wanted to do that with on the first date,
those were crazy, amazing and crashed and burned relationships.
And so we want to teach you how to date safe and with balance and not knowing what your
answer is going to be.
So that's what the dating level teaching all about.
And then of course we go into the divine masculine and feminine video.
And I really love that one, especially as a strong woman.
I have constantly heard like, oh, you're too intimidating, you're too aggressive, you're
too assertive, you're too direct, blah, blah, blah, blah, you're too small, you're too much,
right?
So if you've heard you're too much, I feel like the divine feminine video is an empowering
way to tap into the best parts of your gift and your giftings and then also learn how
to be softer, not smaller.
There's a difference between softer and smaller and we talk about that in the divine feminine.
Of course, then the next video is dating, online dating.
I do that one and I joke that no one hates online dating more than me and I became the
expert in this community about online dating, how to get from the picture to a text, to
a video, to a date, to a second date, and then figuring out who was the right guy.
All three guys that I seriously dated in the last three years I met online because I literally
just don't meet single men in real life.
I just don't come across that very many.
It's just my walk.
It's just the circles that I run with, even though I've tried to change that.
So it has been a great tool for me.
Even if you don't want to do online dating, you're like, oh my gosh, I did not get into
this program to go back to online.
Just watch it anyway, because there's some really good, in my opinion, tips on how to
do that early dating and how to attract a guy.
All of it still applies if you're trying to meet that guy in real life.
And then the final video I teach on is boundaries.
That topic is what we're going to go over.
So every week at these check-ins, each week we're going to pick one of those videos to
just give a 15-minute highlight reel.
If you have not watched it yet, don't worry about it.
If you're about to watch it, I'm just kind of giving you a precursor.
We will then sometimes go over any topics that we see that keep coming up in the roll
call post that we kind of need to touch on.
We're going to pop you out to a breakout room for about 10 minutes with another person to
do a couple of questions, and then you're going to come back here, and then I open the
floor for about 40 minutes to answer all of your dating questions.
And so that's kind of the format that we go in.
Let me just give you some other tidbits and housekeeping items.
Please post as much as you want in the Facebook page, for now, about all things connected
to phase two.
I know a lot of you guys were posting dream interpretations or dreams in phase one.
That is a real gift that Bethany has and Jackie has.
You can post it here.
I just don't know if I'm going to be able to give me and Carla are going to be able
to give you as much advice on that.
My preference would be for you guys to stick to questions that have to do with the videos
that you've watched, how your dating is going, because that's kind of where we are in this
phase.
Watch how long you guys are making some of the posts.
Some of you guys are writing really, really long posts.
And Carla and I, and that's why some of them are sitting in the queue so long, because
Carla and I want to be able to pray about it and be the first one to respond.
And so if we see five really long posts and we don't have time to sit and process it,
it might sit in the queue.
So if you're giving us an assessment of three different dates that you had, maybe separate
them out into three different posts.
That would be easier than one really massively long post.
The other is you want to get feedback from everybody else.
And the worst thing you can do is have a really long post.
Not everybody read it because they just are bored and they're not going to read it all.
And then they're going to give you like crappy advice because they didn't actually read it
all.
Do you know what I'm saying?
So it doesn't serve you for you to guys to keep it too long.
Obviously, let's really be careful about how we comment on other people's posts.
You guys, I'm even seeing this in phase three.
So I want you guys to leave phase two being nice.
Like I want you to know how to respond to other people's posts without being too blunt
and direct.
It is really easy when you're in the middle of it to not see the red flags.
And it is really easy when you're not in the middle of it to be like, Oh my gosh, like
look at those red flags.
Get run girl run.
Like just be careful how we speak to one another.
Let's just be kind.
Let's be passionate.
Why not to tell people what to do?
You can just say, here's what I would do, or I think this, or would you consider this?
Let's try to be soft in how we make comments because when someone is brave enough to be
vulnerable enough to put a post up, she doesn't need 20 women yelling at her or making her
feel like an idiot that she didn't see the signs.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Like we really want to be kind or else people are going to be too afraid to put up a post.
So we want to lift up all the boats.
That's one of the royal rules is to lift up all the boats.
We want to make sure we don't sink anybody.
And then just make sure you guys stay connected.
I will say this because there's less homework to do.
You got to really stay in it to win it, you know, and so we want you out there dating
and getting out in the real world, but we do want you responding to the roll call every
single week.
We want you to come to prayer, supernatural Saturday.
We want you to come to activation Sunday.
The more you can come to stuff, the more you can watch things live, watch things in replay,
the more you will feel connected and involved in this community.
So if you start to feel disconnected in phase two, I would question how engaged are you
personally being with yourself and the community and each other.
And then the final housekeeping item is, yes, you guys, we have opened up the app for phase
three.
It is a rolling entrance right now.
Please do not set up your page.
Do not email us if you are in phase two.
Now some of you have already finished the last video, so you already technically in
the system are marked phase three, but you're still here because you don't feel ready to
go to phase three yet.
So if you got the email to move over there because you're still sitting here, I need
you to pick your lane.
So if you're going to go over to the app as phase three, then you need to be done here
in phase two because what I don't want.
Questions about the app sitting here in phase two.
It's just going to confuse people.
There are 800 people we are trying to migrate over.
I have already been flooded, and Cheryl and I have been flooded with emails
because not everybody's getting the page.
It's not hooked up correctly.
Their bio's not matching.
Their photo, like we're trying to clean up those 800 people.
So, let me finish getting those 800 people set, and then two weeks, in the next,
in about two weeks, we're going to be migrating y'all over.
I promise we're going to put a post about it in our Facebook page.
You're going to get an email about it.
If you don't have an email, it's because you never set it up to begin with.
That's why I've been trying to push all of you to make sure everything in your profile is marked
to the right to receive all of our emails.
So, just know the app is coming for you guys.
Don't get FOMO.
It's going to be a much more organized way for you to see stuff.
If you still want to see, when you get to the app, you will not see phase one
and phase two content in there.
It's still going to be in Kajabi.
It's at JackieDorman.com.
You're still going to see your stuff there.
But when you get to the app, when you get to phase three, or phase two,
you're only going to see the current page that you're in.
And new pages will become available to you as we finish them.
So, and please, you guys, people are already sending us suggestions
about how to make the app different.
This is not the time for that yet.
Like, I'm just trying to onboard everybody and get it to do what it's supposed to do for all,
like, 1,800 of you that are going to be on there in the next couple of months.
So, that's my public service announcement on the app.
So, get out your pens and your paper or your notepad,
because we're going to talk about boundaries.
And you guys, I am making that the topic for today, because I feel
like healthy boundaries answers a lot of the comments that I see in the roll call.
If I see you guys stuck on a texting spree, vomiting too much while you're texting a guy,
sharing too much about your exes, starting to get physical too soon,
getting your heart all a flutter, all of it has to do with boundaries.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
So, we're going to kind of unpack this.
The full PowerPoint and the full video is there for you.
So, if you've not watched boundaries yet, it'll feel like I'm flying,
but you're going to then want to go back.
So, you take the notes that come to you, but know that this whole PowerPoint is available
to you guys in your portal, because I wanted you guys to have that there.
So, the first thing I like to, and if you guys don't tune out, if you're like, oh my gosh,
I read the book boundaries 20 years ago, I already know all about boundaries.
Like, y'all, I've been teaching about boundaries, and I still need help with boundaries.
Like, just because you know it and teach it doesn't mean you live it
out in your life every single day.
I don't know about that trip in August, and what if you haven't even had a date in that month?
Do you still move to phase three?
Yeah, you do.
That's a good question.
Yeah, it's okay.
The dating challenge is just a dating challenge.
If you've watched all the videos, you've been here a month, and you feel like you got everything
that you needed out of here, we want you to fly bird, because in phase three,
there are plenty of people in different seasons of their dating.
Some people, like me, I just broke up with somebody.
I'm taking a couple months off.
Like, I'm just, like, I'm calling it the summer of Renee, and so, like,
people are in different places of their dating season in phase three,
so don't think you have to accomplish the dating challenge to go to phase three.
I do want to make sure that you've been here at least a month, so that you feel like,
because right now, there's a very small group of you.
Once you go over to phase three, you're in a much larger pool of people.
And so, we want to make sure that you got the foundations of dating here that you needed to.
Okay. So, boundaries.
Back to boundaries.
Boundaries are not walls.
So, right away, sometimes people think boundaries are walls.
Boundaries are actually fences with gates.
Fences with gates.
That's, like, the phrase I like to use.
They let the good in, and they keep the bad out.
They allow you to have better relationships.
Boundaries help you find stability and safety.
You will feel like you have a sense of well-being.
You will have better time management and capacity management.
You will still face conflict.
You are still going to face unhealthy people.
You're still going to get triggered.
You're still going to have confrontation, and you're still going to get temptation.
But it just means you have the tools to protect yourself.
Now, here's the big thing, you guys.
This is true in dating relationships with your family and with your staff.
Boundaries without consequences.
It's fences with holes.
Only you can enforce them.
So, if you have a dating boundary with a guy, like, you're like, I don't want to have sex,
or I don't want him to touch any of, any body parts I have that he doesn't, I don't want him to touch.
If there is not.
a consequence for him busting that boundary,
then he's just gonna bust through it again,
and then he's just gonna bust through it again.
This is just like someone taking advantage of you.
You might have a family member or friend,
you set up a boundary with them, they bust that boundary,
but if there's not a consequence to that boundary,
you're actually allowing the busting to happen.
So remember too, boundaries aren't just a line.
It's not like just a line around your yard.
You might have different boundaries
with different people in different seasons of your life.
When you are first getting to know people,
they should be way out here.
And as you start to go on those dates with them,
you might let them in a little bit closer.
The truth is so many of us have had emotional hangovers.
We have this toxic attraction to somebody,
and we take them from here to here
in about five hot minutes.
And then we realize, oh my gosh,
he's now invaded my space,
and now I wonder why this relationship's so unhealthy.
It's because we didn't slowly bring them in.
So we wanna make sure boundaries exist,
but they help us kind of keep the good in, the bad out.
They define who we are and who we are not.
They define what we own and what we don't own.
It defines what we like and what we don't like.
It gives clarity on what our responsibility is
for ourselves and for other people.
It protects you, it protects what's important to you,
what you hold value to,
and where your time and resources will go.
Like when you have guests over in your house,
you don't let every single guest go into your closet, right?
You want, you know,
you might give them the tour of the room.
Really close friends,
you might show them the bathroom and the closet.
But even think about when you have a dinner party,
not everybody is gonna get to see
all of the rooms in your home.
Okay, so why is boundaries so hard?
We've all been talking about boundaries, boundaries,
boundaries, and it's like,
and it's usually for so many of us,
our boundaries got busted
in our early development of our childhood,
right when we were supposed to be bonding
with mom and dad and the family nuclear system.
So something usually happened in there
and we got what was called boundary injuries.
And so if something happened to you
that shouldn't have happened to you,
it could have created a crack in your boundary.
So if a bad thing happened to you
that could crack in your boundary,
if something was completely missing,
picture like a deep hole in your boundary
or your fence around the yard.
And so if you weren't provided for financially,
if your father wasn't in the home,
if you were abused,
bad things could have happened to you,
caused scars, cracks, damage,
and or holes where protection wasn't there.
Like for me, like when I did a deep dive in my childhood,
unfortunately, I have holes and cracks.
In many ways, I was not protected financially,
spiritually and emotionally and physically.
And so that really affected the way I view boundaries.
So my baseline for normal,
that's a phrase we use sometimes,
my baseline for normal with boundaries
was really out of whack.
What I thought was appropriate behavior
was actually unhealthy behavior,
but it was my normal.
So I didn't see it as not normal.
Sometimes you can get unhealthy boundaries
because you either have over-controlling parents,
parents with no limits
or parents who you don't know what it's gonna be.
And that would be usually with addictive parents.
So say you have an alcoholic as a parent,
you never know which parent is gonna show up.
So you can either have a parent
with too many strict rules,
no rules at all,
or rules that just keep changing.
And so those can also create unhealthy boundaries.
I think it's just important for you to know that.
So if that is somehow in your childhood,
you developed what's called
the Karpman Triangle drama triangle.
So your way to cope.
So when we have no boundaries or unhealthy boundaries
or damaged boundaries growing up,
we had to survive.
So some of the way we learned how to survive
kept us alive.
So we need to hold grace for ourselves.
So I'm gonna describe one of,
I'm gonna describe three characteristics
that you typically fall into
and you can travel through all of them yourself,
but you may have one sweet spot.
So if you are one of them
and it got you here and you're still alive,
I want you to give yourself some grace.
So this may not be how you wanna operate anymore,
but I want you to be super kind
to the person that used this skill to stay alive,
if that makes sense.
So in the drama triangle,
you have the persecutor, the controller, the narcissist.
You have the rescuer, the codependent,
and then you also have the victim.
Now, one person can travel those triangles,
but I'm just gonna describe the three.
personality types, and you're going to see, mm, golly, and you might find in your dating
relationships you're one, but like in your family relationships, you're another.
And in your work relationships, you're another.
So this doesn't mean you are this in all situations.
So let's talk about the victim or the blamer.
Y'all, like I'm pretty sure the guy I just dated started vacillating between controller,
narcissist, and victim.
He just went back and forth, back and forth on that.
And so I became very aware of it as I was watching it start to unfold.
Victims, they want everybody to take care of them.
They won't take responsibility for their mess or their mistakes.
They are not reliable.
They will take, take, and take.
They will complain that other people don't take them seriously.
They will continually resort to blaming others and even God for their trauma and their drama.
So this is like, if you're dating this guy, he will blame the ex-wife, the family, the
employer.
It's never his fault.
It's always somebody else's fault and he's always, you know, everything bad happened
to them.
When we go into the blaming game, blaming squashes empathy.
So a person who plays the victim actually has a hard time having empathy for other people
because from their viewpoint, they're always the one getting hurt.
They're always the one getting injured.
So they don't even know how to see things from somebody else's point of view, which
is what you need to have empathy for somebody.
Victims put the focus on the other person.
It's their fault without looking at anything internally.
Blame blocks vulnerability and real connection.
So they're desperate for vulnerability.
They're desperate for connection, which is why a lot of victims will sexually attract
faster because they don't know how to emotionally attract and connect.
So that's the victim.
The codependent, the rescuer, we, this is like, I'm like the queen Cody here.
And I don't say this, you guys, we can be sometimes called the hero, the rescuer, or
the codependent, but this one is equally unhealthy.
It just looks different.
It's just prettier on the outside.
We tend to feel responsible for others.
So we try to fix, protect, rescue.
We don't listen, carry other people's feelings.
We sometimes control.
We are usually tired, anxious, and fearful.
We are concerned with solutions and answers.
We like to perform.
We like to be right.
Here's the hard word to hear with codependents.
You will manipulate others or situations to control them.
So you feel better or safe, or you become the hero.
Like I know if I do something for Tiffany and I do all this stuff, I'm going to help
Tiffany feel amazing.
Tiffany's going to tell me how great I am and that's what's going to make me feel better
about myself.
So we have to decide, am I being altruistic with my motive there?
So if I'm about to go cook for somebody, go do something for somebody, am I doing it because
I need a fix?
I need them to make me feel better, or am I willing to do something for them even if
they don't say thank you?
Now the difference is you can still be a caring, giving, nurturing person and generous with
your time, talents, and treasures because you know how to do empathy.
So you feel responsible to people.
You show empathy.
You encourage.
You confront.
You share.
You listen to hear and not respond.
You're relaxed.
You're aware.
You're reliable.
You relate to people and you feel your own feels and you expect other people to be responsible
for themselves so they don't take your advice, don't do what you think they should do.
You're okay.
Now so for some of us, if you're like, if you would admit that you're a highly empathetic
person, like I'm very high in the empathy scale, but I also own that I'm very high on
the codependent scale.
So it's like a balance beam, right?
Think about, I think it's what, four or six inches.
That's the distance of a balance beam.
So empathy is on one side, codependence on the other side.
So balancing that wonderful, amazing gift of empathy, healthy, allows us to not topple
over into codependency.
Okay.
So then now is like the aggressive.
So now we got the controller, the victimizer, and there's two ways this person comes out.
There is the aggressive controller, which is a much more obvious person to see.
And then there's what's called either the manipulative controller or passive controller.
And so those are much more harder to listen to.
So aggressive ones, they do not listen.
They tend to run over people.
They neglect their own responsibilities.
So kind of similar to the victimizer.
victim, they neglect their own responsibilities.
They don't accept other people as they are,
they're constantly trying to change them.
Now they can slip into this manipulative.
They persuade people away from their boundaries.
They woo and talk other people into a yes.
Now you may have dated this guy.
I've had men woo me away from my boundaries.
They indirectly manipulate the situation
to stack the decks towards their yes.
They seduce.
So those are the three areas
that you probably have fallen into, or you've dated,
and that is a sure sign.
If one of those connected with you,
it's a sure sign that somewhere growing up,
your boundaries were kind of messed up.
So we wanna be able to say,
with all this healthy phase one heartwork that you did,
you're like, okay, God has healed me.
God is growing me.
It is now time to look at what healthy boundaries
can look at, and we're gonna kind of continue to do that.
One of the simplest, what's simplest?
One of the first thing that you have to learn how to do
in setting good boundaries is have healthy confrontation.
Now, how many of you just kind of vomited
even hearing that word healthy confrontation, right?
You're just like, oh, well,
because healthy confrontation doesn't mean
I have to yell at you and get all up in your grill
that is not healthy confrontation.
And by the way, I will look in the chat in just a minute.
I will answer that dating question later
when we get to the questions.
Okay, so healthy confrontation.
You guys, I could spend eight hours teaching you
on healthy confrontation.
Go watch the video, but here's my cheat sheet list for you.
Cheat sheet list for you.
When you have to confront somebody, don't raise your voice.
And don't invade their space.
You don't need to be big.
So, you know, like I'm a little Italian girl, right?
So like, I mean, I know how to get all up
in someone's grill, even at my size, right?
Like, okay, so the first thing I need to do
is take off my cheerleading voice,
because I know how to project my voice
without a microphone across the football field.
So the first thing I have to do
when I do healthy confrontation is I have to lower my voice.
And I have to make sure I sometimes I sit back,
because like when I'm all excited,
I come in and I lean in and I get all excited.
So I have to sit back.
So sometimes in my office,
when I used to do this with my staff,
I had a couch and a chair,
and I would purposely sit in the chair.
I would put my feet up on the coffee table
and I would slouch my posture.
I would literally create a posture that said, let's be,
is boundaries video back?
Oh, it should be.
Oh, Carrie, oh my gosh.
I know everybody else was watching it.
I'll make sure the boundaries video is in there,
that the boundaries video is part of phase two.
So it 100% needs to be in there.
And as soon as I'm off this call,
I will make sure it's in there.
Oh yeah, Tiffany, I'm a woo too.
That's my number one thing, I'm a woo.
It gets us, it's a wonderful gift
and gets us in trouble at the same time.
Okay, so don't attack.
You don't wanna attack physically.
You don't wanna attack mentally or emotionally.
So this is not the time to throw daggers at people.
This is not the time to use past information
that you've learned as a weapon against them.
And it would be really easy,
but oh, this is why your wife left you.
Oh, da, da, da.
Like we don't wanna throw an attack at them just like,
so put down the ax.
Don't blame.
Healthy confrontation does include blaming.
Speak in a manner that invites them in.
They need to feel safe.
I even have this sticker for this next one.
It's called SLS, slower, lower, softer.
So your voice needs to come in slower.
You need to lower your voice
and you need to go a little softer with your voice.
So slower, lower, softer is always a great way.
And if someone is coming at you, yelling and screaming,
and they're confronting you unsafe, you back up.
Sss, aah.
Take a long breath and do it in front of them.
It will force them to do that.
How many of you just took a breath with me?
Sss, aah.
You control when you respond.
And you can choose to come back to someone yelling at you.
Slower, lower, softer.
And you can keep holding space
and you're gonna keep taking a step back.
And if they're coming at you,
you can just put up your hand and say,
this conversation is over.
And so we can both come back
without so much energy in the space.
Cause I really want to hear what you have to say.
I'm sure it's really valuable and really important, but right now there's not safe space.
So we're going to put a pin in it and we're going to come back.
And so if you have to stop a healthy confrontation, you need to be willing to say, we're going
to put a pin in it.
Let's come back tomorrow morning at 10.
You have to tell them when you're willing to come back.
You don't just want to say, I need you to come back when you've cooled down.
Give them the night, give them a few hours.
We're going to come back in a few hours.
Let's come back at three o'clock.
Okay.
Let's come back at three o'clock.
So it's validating what they're trying to tell you that they're so passionate about,
but you're letting them know that that's your boundary.
Your boundary is you're only going to do healthy confrontation for it to be safe for both people.
So whether you're the yellower, you are the yeller or the screamer, or you're the one
on the receiving end of it.
That's how you have healthy boundaries with healthy conversation.
Here are some key things you need to make sure that you're paying attention to when
you have healthy confrontation.
Lean into the negative emotions that come up.
It's really awkward, but you have to lean into it.
Be willing to have the tough conversations.
You guys healthy confrontations really hard, but no marriage will survive without healthy
confrontation.
Learn how to really listen and listening.
I mean, listen to hear and not listen to respond.
Do not try to get your self-worth based on the outcome of this conversation.
So that person that you're having a confrontation with, they cannot be defining your self-worth
or else you're going to go in there with too much, too much at stake.
And then five, just be willing to be curious.
I'm curious.
Tell me more is a great way to have dialogue in a healthy conversation.
It's a way softer way than just saying why, why, why.
I'm curious.
Tell me more.
I'm curious.
Tell me more.
That's a great way to ask that.
The way that I know that I am better able to do boundaries.
Now some of you guys might say, I'm really good at doing boundaries except when.
So this is usually when the except when is.
I always say, keep your pies and your habits in order.
So pies and habits are an acronym.
Again, this is in the handout, but you can write it down now if you're like super excited
about it.
Get your pies in order.
Make sure that you have safe physical boundaries, that you are taking care of your food, you're
moving and your healthcare.
So are you healthy?
Are you physically healthy?
If you're under the weather, if you're not eating, you're not moving, you're not sleeping,
you're just not going to show up with your best self physical.
I stands for intellectual.
Do you have brain fog?
Are you having a headache?
Are you teachable?
Do you have a learning spirit?
That's I. Emotional.
How are you handling stress, workload, schedule, time, your capacity, your emotions.
If your emotions are all over the place, not a safe time to manage your boundaries.
And then of course, spiritual.
Are you getting your alone time with God?
Are you worshiping?
Are you in the word?
Are you in discipleship?
Are you in corporate community?
And are you serving the kingdom?
So if your pies are not in order, if your physical body, intellectual body, emotional
body and spiritual body is unhealthy, you will blow your boundaries.
So instead of trying to get better at your boundaries, fix your pies.
Does that make sense?
Get better at your, get better at your pies first.
Um, okay.
And now your habits.
So healthy habits.
Okay.
You're like, all right, my pies seem in order, but Renee, I'm still sucking at my boundaries.
So habits, H stands for hungry, A stands for angry, B stands for bored, I stands for isolated,
T stands for tired and S stands for stress.
So are you hungry, angry, bored, isolate, tired, or stress?
If you are one of those, you will struggle with your boundaries.
And then of course, boundaries in dating, and this is the last thing I'm going to say
about boundaries.
Level two dating, when you are texting, talking on the phone, video dating, and those first
handful of dates, I really want you to pay attention to your physical boundaries, your
spiritual boundaries, and your emotional boundaries.
You want to make sure what you are willing and not willing to do is somebody who might
be dating other people who are not committed yet to you.
It's different for level two and level three.
And you guys, this goes with, for all of your relationships, not just your dating relationships.
Has anybody ever had their boundary busted from another female?
I mean, I have, right?
Like I've let women take advantage of me.
I've let bosses take advantage of me.
I've let pastors take, not physically take advantage of me, but you know what I'm saying?
So you guys, we have to practice these boundaries with all of the relationships.
We are in level.
one, two, and three relationships with a lot of different people in a lot of different formats.
And so we've got to practice healthy boundaries. So these are your questions I'm going to send you
into your breakout with. Because these are such personal questions, I'm just going to pair you up
with one other person. One of you may be in a group of three and I'll make sure, oh my gosh,
we have 20 people. I'm so excited by that. And so one group's going to have three,
so I'm going to make sure you guys have 12 minutes, three minutes per question. Let's see.
Well, try to, I'm going to give you like, I'm going to give you like,
maybe I'll give you like 13 minutes, 13, 14 minutes. So here's the three questions. If you
don't get through all of them, it is okay. So the first question is what type of boundary do
you struggle with the most? Is it physical boundaries, emotional or spiritual? And you
guys, spiritual boundaries are a real thing. Like sometimes you can get like, oh my gosh,
we, we pray together and I felt so intimate with him and like he laid hands on me and I went to a
healing service with him. So it can happen spiritually. So what type of boundaries do
you struggle with the most? And then what area of your life do you struggle the most with boundaries?
Is it with dating, family, friends, work, or church? And I've got this typed. So I'm going
to go ahead and cut this and cut and paste this in here. So you can, if you want, you can take
a screenshot of this with your computer or with your cell phone. And so you can go ahead and do
that. So right here now, so there's three questions. If you don't get to all of them,
you don't get to all of them, but do you struggle with physical, emotional, or spiritual?
What area of your life do you struggle? And I talked about that scale. Which one do you tend
to go to when you're feeling the most unhealthy in that cycle? And remember what's said in that
group stays in the group. So I'm going to go ahead and open up to get you in. Wait,
why is it not showing me? Hold on. The breakout rooms. Here we go. Breakout rooms.
Okay. All right. I will put a message in the thing when you'll come back,
but I'll see about a quarter of.
Carrie and Emily, you guys both are not going. So let me see who's not showing up. I'm going to
move her to there. And who else might be alone? I'm just going to make sure I've got everybody.
Okay. So you've just come back from your break. And so if you're watching this in replay,
I hope that you take the time to answer those questions. And I'm going to encourage all of
you to be thinking about this throughout the week. And maybe even feel free to write a post
about this. What types of boundaries do you struggle with the most? Is it physical, intimacy,
emotional, spiritual? What area of your life do you struggle the most? Is it dating, family,
friends, work in church? And then where did you find that you connected with most in the healthy
cycle? Do you find that you become the controller, the victim, or the rescuer?
All of them have. And here's the thing. We go to them, you guys, because they all have a benefit.
They all have a gain or else we wouldn't do it. Right? So there's an allure to all of them.
And so those are kind of your activations. And so now I'm opening the floor for any questions,
either on the teaching, on any of the videos that you've watched up until now,
or on dating or your non-dating life.
The floor is open.
So just raise your avatar hand.
Stephanie, you're up.
Okay, so I have been trying to like be more open
with whose profiles I like and just be less choosy.
And I know you said like online dating
can be like feast or famine.
And I'm at the point where it's like,
okay, all of a sudden I have like 10 conversations going
and I'm just very overwhelmed.
And now I'm like, okay, I don't even know
if I like wanna set up a phone call.
And is that just because I'm overwhelmed
or should I be a little more choosy?
Well, so here's what I do when I get,
cause it is, right?
Like the first thing I'll do is pause the app
so it doesn't send me any more matches.
So it's like, if I'm trying to talk to eight or 10 guys,
so then what I also try to do is move very quickly
to a video chat with them.
That's how you're gonna read them out.
Because right now with the texting,
you're gonna be like,
so I help further along the conversation.
So I'll say, so even if like kids that know what to say,
I'll say like, hey, tell me a little bit more about you.
Let me tell you about myself first.
And then I'll kind of summarize all the things about me
I'm willing for any stranger to know about me.
Like, oh my gosh, I love to cook.
I love hiking.
I love live theater.
I love college sports.
I'm really active in my church.
And I like volunteering.
I'll kind of run through it.
How about you?
And I let them do that.
So I kind of try to force that conversation going along.
And then I try to say, look, you know what?
I have to be honest, I really hate texting.
I don't find it to be a great form of communication
to get to know somebody.
And I'm really looking to dating in real life.
Would you be open to a 15 minute chat, video chat?
Would you be open to a 15 minute video chat?
Just a quick chat so we can kind of get on camera
and see and hear each other.
And if they are not willing to do that with me,
since I have the luxury that I've got 10 guys
that I'm talking to, if I've got the luxury and he says,
yeah, I'm just, I don't like video dating.
It's so like, that'll feel like a job interview.
And I say, I know it's a really clunky way,
but it's a great, easy way for us to very quickly.
Well, I'd rather just meet in person.
You know what?
I really, you know what?
I don't have a lot of time this week
to actually book a whole visit, but I do have 15 minutes.
And if they don't want to, or they don't wanna do a video,
then I just be like, well, then, you know,
I really wish you the very best.
Cause my guy is gonna be okay with that.
Whoever my guy is, he's gonna be okay with that.
Or I just stop and just say, well, you know,
or I might say, you know what?
Then why don't you get back in touch with me
when you do have time to book that video date?
And then I just talked to the other eight
and I just stopped answering his text messages.
So that's how I try to quickly weed it down because,
and you're like, well, Renee,
why would you want to book eight video dates?
You won't because all eight of them,
some people will self-select themselves out.
So if they know that those photos that are up
are 15 years old, he's gained a hundred pounds.
He doesn't look like that anymore.
He ain't gonna wanna get on video with you right away.
So he's gonna give you all these excuses.
Or if he's just wants a situationship,
or he's just looking for texting buddies,
he's gonna find, so like he's gonna weed,
so some of those men will weed themselves out.
And you literally book something pretty short.
You block off about 30 minutes in case it's going well.
And you just say like, so you get on at like 12 o'clock.
You're like, all right, you know what?
I have got something at 1230.
So I promised you that we'd keep it quick.
If we have a great time, we can always book another time.
So then at the end of the 15, 20 minutes,
you're like, oh my gosh,
I had so much fun getting to know you.
I'd love to keep talking to you.
I do have to run, like I said, I would.
And so I'll be happy to in the chat
to give you my phone number.
Usually for me, I'm ready.
If I've had a really good video date with them,
I'm pretty ready to give them my phone number after that.
Some people use a Google voice number.
Don't you need to do it if you'll save.
And then I'm willing to, I'm usually ready to,
after I've had a video chat with them,
I mean, I'm usually either ready to say goodbye
to them in the chat,
or I'm ready to move off the chat with them.
And then I then try to book a live date pretty quickly.
So Stephanie, that's how I try to whittle it down fast
when I'm in that.
So you would do a video date
with anyone who's willing, basically.
Anybody who I think has some yeses.
Like I wouldn't even be texting.
So have I picked guys that,
if I've picked a guy that I'm not physically attracted to,
that I would normally not pick,
he's gotta be hitting it out of the park
with all the other things on my list.
He's got an active faith, he lives.
in the area, he likes the same things I do.
So I'm kind of eh on the physical attraction.
But if he's a guy that's liked me
and I have not liked any of his answers,
we have nothing in common,
it's clear he's got no faith life
and I'm not attracted to him, no.
Like, no, I'm just done, no.
So I only do the video if I think that there's 75% there.
Like there's something really there.
So if you start texting somebody
and it's very clear, very quickly,
he's not aligned with you and you're not attracted,
you can be like, oh my gosh.
You know, Mark, it was really nice getting to know you.
I don't wanna waste either of our time.
I'm just realizing that I think we both
have some different values and goals and interests
and I really want you to find your person.
It was really nice meeting you.
Thank you so much.
And then you end the conversation.
Okay, that's what I'm trying to figure out.
Like what is me just trying to be more open
and what is like, eh, this probably isn't the best.
You've got to feel the only,
and I'll say this, you guys only go out
on a live date with somebody,
like especially if you're like,
I'm not really feeling the chemistry.
He's gotta have all the other things.
He's just got to,
or else you're really never gonna get there, you know?
And so it's more of a yes than a no.
It's gotta be at least more of a yes than a no.
So yes, I know that you swiped on a lot
to be kind and courteous,
but after two or three text conversations,
you probably know if it's a no and that's okay.
Thank you.
You bet sweetie.
Ruth.
Hi, I was gonna ask one question,
but then I changed my mind to ask another.
So my question is, what is some,
like I was raised without like really being able to,
nobody communicated with me
to how to like have healthy boundaries.
I'm sure that's a common thing
because I feel like it's almost like something
that we're learning as a society now.
So then that teacher was really good for you
and you're really gonna want to dig back into the video,
the longer version of it then.
Yes, so my question is, I am learning to have boundaries
and I've been pretty good with like work-wise,
I'm a nurse, so learning how to have boundaries
with my patients.
Like if they're having a bad day,
it doesn't need to be my bad day.
They can have their own bad day.
And I don't need to fix it.
They can ask me if they need help with something.
However, like dating, I think I freak out
when I need to place a boundary.
And often I don't think I'm harsh with it
because I'm not a harsh person, period.
But I just don't know if I do in a good way
because often I'll either,
or maybe it's just showing who this person is
because I'll often get ghosted up
after I put a boundary down.
So tell me what kind of boundary are you putting up?
Is it a physical boundary or spiritual boundary?
What kind of boundary is it?
It could be all three.
How do you put up the boundary?
Do you tell them ahead of time?
Do they try to do it?
And you're like, so how does that boundary come up?
How do you tell them?
Well, what came up this week,
and I mentioned this on the Facebook page,
I went on one date with a guy.
He was nice and he goes to church.
So those are positive.
And he was pretty attractive and respectful.
And we had a lot in common.
He was making some joke about me taking care of him
because he twisted his ankle.
And I didn't know how to be like,
hey, that's an upgrade for later in the relationship.
Maybe if we were in a relationship,
I would take care of you.
But for me as a nurse,
I'm very aware of that boundary because I know, yeah.
So I kind of just skipped over it.
But then he goes to me and I was like, okay,
which is fine.
I don't care.
You skipped over it because you didn't say anything
about it then?
I kind of was a little bit flat with him
when he was trying to get me to go out with him.
Okay.
Like we had planned an afternoon date.
And then I was like, he tells me what he wants to do.
First of all, he didn't communicate early enough.
And it was church on Sunday.
I'm wearing a really nice dress and high heels.
He wanted to go outside.
We live in Arizona.
Going outside in a dress and high heels is not,
unless you're like specifically somewhere conducive to that.
Most of the place, it's really dirty, which is fine.
I would wear hiking boots and shorts if I had planned ahead,
but he didn't plan ahead.
So I was like, I go to church
and I'm wearing a dress and high heels.
I'm not going outside.
So you might be direct.
You might be a little direct and a little blunt.
So we just have to make sure that I'm a big fan
of asking for what you need and being honest for sure.
And so when people do make comments,
a lot of times you guys, when guys make comments to us,
they're testing our boundary.
They're gonna like, they're gonna say things
that might be inappropriate.
They're going to do all those things to test our boundary.
And our natural inclination is to either ignore it or laugh.
But that doesn't give them the answer.
But then we behave in a way that we think gives them the answer,
but we've not told them the answer.
So it's a very passive aggressive way.
It's a very passive way to give them the answer.
So we have to start to learn how to actually address the comment.
Just like, hey, you know what?
Obviously, I'm a nurse, and so I do that all day long.
So that is not something I typically
do for people in any of my friendly relationships,
unless I'm a lot further along.
I'm sure you can imagine and appreciate that.
So you've let him know, and then he knows.
And now how he responds to that boundary
determines if you want to keep hanging out with him again.
And so I don't know, with the whole outfit thing,
like, oh my gosh, you know what?
I totally would have loved to have done that.
But the truth is, I just don't really
have the right outfit for it.
So next time, be sure to let me know ahead of time
so I can plan accordingly.
So we just want to make sure if someone's
crossing a boundary or doing something that we don't like,
we have to assume they don't know it yet,
unless it's like, hey, can we have sex?
I want to send you naked photos.
Whenever they ask about sex and photos right away, always bad.
It's always wrong.
But if you're a massage, at least you're a nurse.
If you're a massage therapist, it always turns into,
oh, when am I going to get my free massage?
You know, it's not good.
And so I think it's always important for us
to just say what we're going to say, but say it nicely
and assume the best in them first.
Always assume that, unless it's a cheesy thing,
like I just said that they said, assume the best.
Assume they don't know what your boundary is.
And then once you place your boundary down,
then if they barrel over it, then you
can just bow out gracefully.
Because if someone doesn't listen
to a simple boundary of like this random thing over here,
they're not going to practice your boundaries anywhere
else in a relationship.
So I would just say, make sure you don't judge them
or speak in a tone when you do say something
that makes them feel like they should have
known the answer to that.
Like, well, he should have known.
It's Arizona.
He should have known better.
Guys don't think like, guys aren't thinking like the outfit
you need to change into.
I want you to think that, I know you
want to think that he is thinking ahead,
but most guys aren't thinking ahead.
Like, they're just not.
But that doesn't make him a bad guy.
It just makes him like, eh, he just didn't know better.
But you're going to get him off the hook.
Now, how he responds to you saying
that will tell you if you want to hang out with him again.
So that's the only thing.
Remember I talked about slower, lower, softer?
When you are making your comment and you
are going to do confrontation or you're
going to set up a boundary, just make
sure you are lower, slower, softer.
And just deliver it with kindness.
And then see how they respond.
Does that help?
Yeah, thank you.
That's helpful.
You bet.
Crystal?
Hi.
OK, so I have a couple of questions.
But I'll start with the one that I feel like is most pressing.
So there's a guy at my church that I
like that we've dated before.
And he ended things.
It wasn't like a long time that we went out.
We literally went out on like a total of three dates
over a span of like seven, eight months.
I can't quite remember.
But the first time we went out, I basically, well,
we've known each other for a while.
In 2022, I asked him out to coffee
because we were going to different church campuses.
I ran into him.
I was like, we should catch up.
And then he kind of fell off.
He had some stuff going on at work.
A couple of months later, I just took it
as he wasn't interested in me.
And then a couple of months later,
he started going to my church campus
and then started texting me, calling me, all of that.
We went out a few times.
And one of the times that we went out, he brought up,
he's white and I'm Black.
And he brought up race in the conversation.
It was like an awkward conversation.
But he said he was willing to continue to talk about it.
But I noticed him pull away after I kind of mentioned
like I wanted to talk more about his views and opinions.
We went out one more time.
And then he fell off.
And I reached out to him just to see where he was.
And he was like, I kind of thought we noticed
this wasn't a good fit.
And I was like, OK, well, we can still be friends, blah, blah.
So fast forward to a couple of months
ago where he reached out just to see how I was doing.
And initially, I was like, oh, no.
Don't come back now.
You ended it.
I'm good.
But I was like, OK, Lord, let me see.
Maybe I need to get healed in this area.
Because at the time, I literally was like,
I don't know if I'm going to date any more white men
after that.
That's literally where I was.
So anyway, I was like, I'll be nice and cordial.
So we did.
text it a little bit and then a couple weeks later he asked if I wanted to go to an art museum. We're
both art teachers and so my family was in town and I was like I'll ask if my niece can come that'll
be a good buffer of like you know all of that and so he was fine with that and we had a really good
time and I got to see like a different side of him and I had mentioned a few things to him.
One of them being a friend of mine who he's another teacher and they have like a teacher
band so I was like you should come to this well I don't even think I said you should come I just
told him about the event and then I told him I'm going to the teacher band with my sister
and he asked what time and he was like oh yeah I'll come so I was surprised he took me up on
the offer and so he came out and got to meet two of my sisters and so I noticed the feelings come
back. For you or for him? For me I don't know I don't know where he's at and so I saw him after
that like we texted a little bit and then I missed a couple church services so I hadn't seen him
until this past Thursday and so we chatted for a little bit and then it was just like I just I
don't know where he's at I know I like him again and I also am aware that we still may not be aligned
like his views may have changed and I talked to a few people mostly everybody says I should just
talk to him and find out. Well what makes you think he is in a different place and he's interested
again? Because there's because there is gosh I really enjoyed her company and I'm bored and we
have similar interests and I want to hang out because guys can do that with us like they think
if they think they can friend zone us sometimes they just want a companionship so now I would say
this part of me kind of feels like if he's and you know Jackie has used this phrase especially
because y'all dated so this is a guy that knows who you are and he's not afraid to reach out to
you she has said if a guy likes you he will cut off his arm and use it as a row or to swim up
the canal to you so he knows how to get in touch with you he's hung out with you I think if he
wants to take you out on a date and he was the one that ended it he needs to be the one to initiate
a date now he may have tried to initiate that date and you brought your niece or cousin with
you but you got any but you did invite him to something else after that so he invited you to
the art thing you brought somebody you invited him to something else and you showed up I kind of feel
like you actually need him to pursue you at this point because he is the one that ended it with
particular reasons behind it now if he asks to do something again I would actually go alone with
him I would actually say yes and then when you're in front of his face you can just again I'm back
to being really direct and honest like hey Tony I don't know his name hey Tony like you know I just
I just want to see I want to check something out with you and I want to kind of make sure I'm clear
like are you just wanting to be friends again with me at this point um and is there no like
pursuit interest because I'm okay either way I just I kind of want to hear where you're at with
this now you could reach out to him and initiate that conversation if you feel like you really
really have to know but I feel like when it's an ex who's left me he would need to come back to me
and tell me why he's back in my camp like what is it about me that's changed and different
um especially if you are uncomfortable of what might happen if he's like no I just want to be
friends like so you have to so if you do want to initiate the contact to find out what's going on
you have to be willing for him to say something that might make you uncomfortable
yeah I guess um the reasons why I was like I don't know if he's tried to date or like he was
attempting to do a date again it's because I brought my niece and then when we went out my
sisters were with me like when I invited him yeah my sisters were were with me and then there were
like a few things that he said that I don't know could well I mean again you can you can pull the
trigger first and just say hey you know I realized the last couple of times we hung out we had other
people with us did you want to do something just alone with the two of us you could you could throw
that out there okay that would be like dropping the hanky yeah and or you could say something like
hey the last couple of times we hung out we were both had folks in there I would love to hang out
just the two of us at some
At some point, if you're still, if you're up for that,
let me know, you can go ahead and schedule.
If not, that's all good too.
That's another way to drop the hanky.
And so if he really doesn't,
then you kind of have your answer.
Yeah, yeah.
If he does pick up the meeting,
it is then okay once you're at the meeting,
just to say, you know, I have to be really honest,
like we've kind of hung out and back and forth,
like I wanna make sure I don't have mixed signals
here from you.
Like, are you just trying to reestablish
a friendship with me?
But I would wait to have that conversation
when he's sitting in front of me.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Does that help?
Yeah, it does.
Those are all the three ways that you can handle it.
And I would say pick the one
that makes you the most comfortable.
Okay, I have two other questions,
if nobody else has any questions.
Does anybody else have a question?
I wanna make sure I'm giving other people, okay.
This is like the midday.
I don't normally get to see some of you guys,
so I'm excited that I get to see you.
Yeah, I'm normally at work during this time.
I'm off this week, so.
Okay, good.
Okay, so my second question is there's a guy,
he sent me a text this morning.
We had a video chat.
I think it went really well.
He's in like ministry.
And so I feel like some of the interactions
are like a little bit slower paced or like kind of,
I don't wanna say Christianese,
but he sent me a text this morning
with a poster of something that his church is doing.
And it was like, if you're bored this Friday,
you should come out.
And so I'm like, when we had our video chat,
I ended it and I was like,
we should do this again sometime.
And he said, yeah, don't be a stranger.
And I said, same.
Like trying to get him to initiate.
And so when he sent me the text,
I looked at it and I said,
well, I have loose plans on Friday.
So I'll like, I'll let you know if I,
I'll keep you posted if I can do it.
And then like, how are you today or whatever.
So I'm just like,
should I ask him to schedule another video chat?
Should I just leave it in his?
I mean, you already told him, in my opinion,
you told him what Jackie has encouraged you to do,
which is you would like to see him again.
You've said that.
Part of me wants you to almost not be available
for Friday night, because I don't know if that's,
I feel like that's a halfway date.
Like, and that feels awkward to me.
And just say, so here's what you could do.
You can be like, you know what?
I realized I have, I do have other, you know,
I told you, I wasn't sure about it.
That is a firm thing.
But let me just say again, I'd love to go out with you again.
I look forward to hearing from you
if you want to schedule another date.
I like that.
And then this way you put the ball back in his court.
Cause you're basically saying, dude, no,
ask me out on a real date.
Like, cause like, don't be a stranger.
No, no, that's just, no.
You want him to be a man.
You want him to be,
but you might have to help him be a man.
Like, you know what I'm saying?
Like give him the nudge.
That'd be me.
Because for me, like if I showed up at an event like that,
I'm like, are we going to be sitting alone?
Is it going to be like a date?
He's just inviting you to that.
Like it's a halfway date and he might be scared and nervous.
So what you're going to do is help him.
You're going to say, hey, you know, I really can't make that.
But let me just reiterate,
if you would like to go out one-on-one again,
or what, because you only had a video date, right?
You didn't have a live date.
Yeah.
And just say, hey,
but if you would like to schedule a one-on-one date with me
in real life, I'd love to make that happen.
Just let me know.
And we'll try to make that,
let's try to make that happen.
Then you're kind of being super direct.
Like, I'm not going to do this,
but I will do this with you.
And then if he doesn't pick that baton up,
then he's not pursuing you.
Like with the energy that you probably need.
I don't know.
Keep me posted on both of those.
Well, I will do.
I have one more question.
Last one is, I'm going out on a date with a guy today.
It's a tennis date.
And we previously hung out in group settings.
And the last time he kind of soloed me out
and was like, let's play tennis.
I didn't know if he just wanted to play with me
because I was the strongest tennis player
or if it was actually a date.
And then I found out, oh, he did want to go on a date.
He was like, oh, we should go grab something to eat.
So next time let's do that.
And then he called it a date.
So I was like, okay, fine.
He's definitely younger than me.
I do not know how old he is.
I feel like we might be in different seasons.
And so what kind of questions can I ask
to kind of like get at that?
And that's the big thing is you want to make sure
you're in the same season of life.
The age isn't as much of a difference
when you're out on a date.
You can just be like,
tell me a little bit more about you.
Like, I'm just curious, what season of life are you in?
Like, are you, like, is.
Is career your main focus?
Are you dating casually?
Are you hoping to get married and settle down?
Like, you know, what kind of season are you in your life?
Like it is okay to just ask that, like, do you have some, like, what are some of your
goals in the next couple of years?
Like, what are the things that you're really trying to, so that's another way.
What is taking up a lot of your time and energy?
Like right now, what would you say are your top, you know, two or three goals in the next
year or two?
Like if he is marriage minded, he's going to say, you know, I want to do really well
with my fitness.
I want to do well with my job.
And you know what?
I honestly really want to settle down and have a family.
Like if he's marriage minded, it's going to be in there.
He's going to somehow say that, but if he just says, you know what, right now I'm just
focused on work and having a good time, you know, and just staying fit, like that's just
kind of where I'm at.
Then, you know, like, then, you know, so then, you know, he's somebody that you can casually
date right now, but you're not going to put your eggs all in that basket.
And then you might, if you start to like hang out with him again and really like him,
you can just be like, well, you know, like, do you ever see yourself, you know, having
your own family or getting married?
Like, is that something that you subscribe to?
Like, cause there's plenty of people that go, you know, I have no desire to ever get
married or have kids or, you know, maybe one day, and that's good information for you to
know, but like you ask it as you're asking about all of their other hopes and dreams
and goals.
So it's not like, so are you, do you want to get married?
Like, you know what I'm saying?
It's like you show interest in their job, their fitness, their like bucket list.
Like you're just showing in general, I'm trying to get to know you, who you are, where are
you going?
So that's how I try to ask that stuff to kind of figure it out.
Even you guys, even when I'm doing online dating, it's one of the early questions I
ask men.
I just say, so, you know, do you mind telling me where you're at in this dating season?
I know it can be really clunky online, like, are you just getting out from a relationship
and a divorce?
You're just trying to enjoy your time.
You're just trying to figure it out or, you know, like kind of where are you in this season
of dating?
I think it's always a, it's always a pretty good question for me to find out pretty quickly.
Like I can tell if men are just not ready for a relationship and it's not that I won't
enjoy a date with them, but I am going to guard my heart a lot more on that person.
Like I'm not going to give them a lot of my time and energy because they have made
it clear, like, you know, is it Maya Angelou, you always used to say when somebody tells
you who they are, believe them the first time.
So if you are dating a guy who says, you know, I don't think I could ever get married, that
may be true.
Or like, I don't, like if they have beliefs or opinions about something and they seem
pretty strong about it, believe them.
They hardly change their mind, especially the older you get, I find.
All right, keep us up to date on all three of those, Stephanie.
That prompted a question for me.
So I had a phone date with a guy and then we went out in person and I let him know that
I enjoyed it and would love to keep getting to know him and he agreed.
And we've texted a little bit, like not every day, which is actually refreshing.
I've enjoyed that.
It's, you know, the texts aren't.
But do I just continue?
He was very good at initiating the date and planning it.
Do I just let him initiate the next one too?
OK, I do.
OK, Jackie would say let him initiate the first at least two until you can really two
or three until you can really tell that there's interest there.
And he's starting to step up his game in pursuit of you.
What may be happening, Stephanie, is, you know, if they're out on like, you know how
we're dating more than one person at the same time, they might be too.
And so he might be going like, gosh, I had a really nice time with Stephanie, but I already
have these three other dates lined up.
Let me see how those go.
Then I want to see who I want to circle back with.
So if like we're willing to date more than one person at the same time in the beginning,
we have to respect that they might be too.
And so sometimes it's literally life's gone in the way or they're trying to go out on
a few other dates like, OK, I like her or I like him, but do I like him enough?
Like and, you know, I heard somebody else say that.
And that has really freed me because we always think he doesn't like me.
He likes me.
Sometimes they do like us.
Just not enough.
Not enough.
And I don't want a guy who just doesn't like me.
Not enough.
I want a guy who likes me more than everybody else that he's met, you know.
And so I might have to give him a chance to go figure that out.
And so how you don't get crazy is you don't put all your eggs in that basket and you keep
talking to other people.
And if he likes you, he will pursue you because you've already let him know and that you're
continuing to be.
So continue.
be nice, continue to be kind. But I also wouldn't overshare in text messages. And if he does
ask a good, here's how you can flirt your way into the next day. If he asks a question,
that's a really great question. You're going to be like, oh my gosh, that's a great question.
I'd rather answer that live if we go out again. Okay. Do you ever suggest a phone call like
in between or just? Well, for sure. But I've already, I will tell you this by the first
video date, I tell men I don't like to text. So for me, I hate texting as a form of communication
to get to know them. So right in the first video date, I'm pretty honest. And I just
say, just so you know, now that we've gotten to a video date, my preference going forward
is a phone call, FaceTime or a live date. I will tend to only, and this is true for
my family, my friends, my staff. I tend to only use texting for brief points of information
quick. Like, Hey, I'm grabbing this. Don't forget this. I'm on my way. Um, if you want
to keep getting to know me, just know that I'm going to want to move away from texting
and I'm going to want to move towards that. That's just my communication style. And I
start laying off the texting. And so that's what I try to do right from the get go. So
what you can just say at some point, if you wanted to, like, if you felt like, do you
feel like the texting is he's trying to engage in conversation with you?
Yeah. And like I said, I've appreciated that. It's not been, I haven't felt bombarded. Um,
but yes, trying to, I think just touch base and keep the connection.
So again, if you would like a phone call, sometimes you have to ask for what you need.
So if he thinks you're comfortable with texting and you guys, and we are in a world where
I'm actually working one-on-one with somebody who literally she has, she's been dating this
guy for a pretty long time, a few months, and they only text in between their dates.
Now I was like, well, if that's what you like, and that's your game, like if that's your
thing and you can text and vomit all that information by text and not talk on the phone,
that's great. Like I'm way more verbal than that. I like to hear tone inflection. I like
to see body language. I don't like texting thoughts, feelings, opinions. Like I, I don't
like doing it with my staff. I don't like, I just don't like doing that. I feel like
you miss out on so much of the communication, but I realized some of you are in the generation
where you're like, Renee, that's how we talk to each other. My only concern about that
is if you guys get married, do you know how hard you're going to make your marriage? Because
you've only talked to each other this way and now you're sitting across from each other
and you don't know how to, I mean, you guys, I ran a pregnancy center for 20 years. We
had kids coming in all the time, pregnant, pregnant. So they had sex and they couldn't
talk face to face because they only did this in between having sex. And so I'm like, okay,
you're about to raise a child or bring a child into the world and you don't even know how
to look at each other in the face and talk to each other. Like, and so I get that we
are in a texting world. So I would say if you don't want to keep texting, then you've
got to tell them you don't want to keep texting. Like, you know what? I love texting with you.
It's been really fun. I would be way more excited about talking on the phone, even if
it's just for 10 minutes, or I'd be way more excited about a five minute FaceTime with
you. Just, just, I'm just putting that out there. That's just my preferred mode of communication.
And if then they pick up that ball and they kind of go with it, great. But if they keep
texting you and if that works for you, great. Like, I don't want to tell you what to do
for you because that texting might be good enough for y'all. It's not good enough for
me. I need to hear someone's voice. I need to hear their voice. I need a conversation
because the problem with texting for me is you never know exactly when the conversation
is ending sometimes, and it's very disruptive. It disrupts your day. It's not like, so when
someone picks up the phone and calls you or does a video date, you got my undivided attention.
When someone's texting me, they could be watching TV. They can be with their friend at the checkout.
Like, I don't have their undivided attention. So I would rather have 10 minutes of undivided
attention than a string of texts all day long. I'd rather you not talk to me all day. I'd
rather you go live your life, have your moment with everybody else, and at the end of the
day, talk to me for 10 minutes. I'd rather that than this checking in all day. Ugh. We've
got time for that. But that's just me. I'm old, so that's just my advice. I'd say whatever
form of communication you want, you ask for it, and you take the lead on it. And if they
don't pick up that lead with you, then they're probably not your person if they're not going
to move towards what you need. Um, yeah. But again, hopefully that helps. Um, well,
it's 23 after the hour. So this is a great note to end on. It was so fun being in the
middle of the day with you. So I don't get to see some of you all the time. Um, it was
fun being with you. If you're watching this in replay, see you back another time. Um,
for those of you that can get on tonight, the link is in the post. So if you guys don't
know how to get to the loveseat post.
Cheryl put it, it said right there in the comments.
So look for it.
It's the all community link.
So go out there tonight.
Obviously there might be some men on,
there's not always a lot of men on the love seats,
but they do come to some of them.
So if you want to be on with the camera,
make sure your camera ready.
If you don't want to be on camera,
then make sure your camera's off.
And always great, Jackie gives always great, great advice.
And she always ends up teaching in the middle of it.
So I encourage y'all to be there tonight
or watch it in replay.
Anyway, have a God bless day.