Okay, everybody, welcome to Phase 2.
This is our weekly check-in.
Renee Rizzo here.
You probably saw me back in the challenge page letting y'all in, and then you got to
work with Bethany and her team in Phase 1, and you will be primarily working with me
and Carla in Phase 2.
So those are your two coaches.
So when you're hearing feedback from both Renee, me, and Carla, know that we are probably
speaking on behalf of Jackie.
And so that's just kind of, you know, we try to really make sure we are in alignment with
everything that she would be actually teaching to us.
So the first thing I like to do is kind of run through housekeeping.
And so we always have at least one new person.
Pam mentioned that she's here for the first time.
Is there anybody else here for the first time?
Oh, awesome, Samantha, you're here for the first time.
Okay, great.
So let me kind of just run through what the format of our time looks like together tonight.
So I kind of run through some housekeeping.
And then there are technically there's five videos in Phase 2, and they're all in about
an hour, hour and 15.
So unlike the 14 or 18 videos in Phase 1 where they were shorter, 20-minute snippets, these
are like five full-length ones.
And so we want to give you an entire week to watch one, journal about it, write about
it, share your thoughts, your notes, your questions in the Facebook feed, and then go
on to the next one the next week.
Our encouragement is that you stay in Phase 2 four weeks.
And let me tell you a little bit about the five videos.
And there are four of them that I rotate, giving you a brief CliffsNotes synopsis, brief
version of it.
And it does not matter.
If you're on this call and you're like, I haven't even watched that video, it doesn't
matter.
I'm either reminding people about something they watched three weeks ago, or I'm getting
you ahead and getting you prepared for a video.
I will then go over what we call the weekly talking points.
As we read your comments in roll call and the posts, we start to see themes rise up.
And we're like, oh, this is happening a lot.
So we're going to bring this point back up to kind of get you all back on the same page.
We're going to go into a breakout with another person for about 12 minutes.
We're going to come back, and then you guys get to ask me any dating question that you
absolutely want to.
I try to make sure every single person gets a chance to ask me a question.
That's the beauty of Phase 2.
You don't really get this much one-on-one time in Phase 3.
Everything's in a much larger group setting.
And so this is really your chance to ask me the hard stuff.
Sometimes if you write a post, I may reply right away and turn off the comments, because
I'm afraid it's going to go sideways in the comments, and I frankly don't want you to
get bad advice.
And so I really want you to unpack that story with me a little bit more live, or with Carla
if you come in on the 1 o'clock time frame, so that we can actually give you the best
encouragement and guidance that we possibly can.
And then I'm going to give you like an activation question.
So kind of running through the five videos.
The very first video is called Love Story Accelerator.
That's where Jackie kind of talks about coming out of hiding.
She's going to give you some goals, like a walking goal.
She's going to tell you to eat whole foods.
She's going to encourage you to start putting on dresses and makeup.
She's going to ask you to consider coming out of hiding.
If your profile photo is of your boo-boo cat or dog, get rid of it and actually put a picture
of you up.
So make sure that your cover photo and your profile photo actually display you.
So start to come out of hiding.
Start to find ways in real life that you can start talking to people.
Getting out of your house.
I know she married her next door neighbor.
Most of us are not going to marry our next door neighbor.
So unless we're going to marry the UPS, Amazon, or Uber Eats guy, we're going to have to leave
our home to actually meet people.
And so that's really what all of it's about.
She does issue a seven-day dating challenge.
Y'all, some of you get so freaked out and paranoid about it.
I do not want you paranoid about it.
It's just like a goal to get out there and get dates.
It could be seven dates with the same guy, seven different dates.
It could be video dates.
It has to either be video or live.
A phone call does not count.
And chit-chatting in a text exchange does not count.
But you get to leave phase two after about a month.
You don't have to hold out.
You're like, oh my gosh, but I only had four dates.
There's no, you have to complete seven dates before you go to phase three.
So it's just a way for you to kind of get out of your head and kind of get back out
there.
And so it's meant to encourage you and not like paralyze you.
And the next video is dating 101.
And that's probably the biggest shift for a lot of you.
And we're asking you to change the way that you're dating.
Most of us.
kind of find one guy, get excited about him,
blow everybody else off and get all in with that guy
and go, woo, right, serious.
Or we decide right away, he's not the guy.
We really encourage you in Dating 101
to do discovery level two dating,
where you're getting to know a bunch of people
at a very high level.
This is not superficial, but high level.
We're asking you to not get romantic in that stage.
Obviously, when you and a guy decide,
hey, I think I wanna just hang out with you.
I think I just wanna hang out with you.
And we wanna make it exclusive.
We call that level three.
And then level four is engagement.
Level five is marriage.
And we really encourage you to not rush
to an exclusive relationship,
especially if you're meeting somebody
like cold turkey online.
You really wanna make sure you're vetting them a bit
and you're keeping your options open.
So that's a great video to watch.
The next video in the arsenal
is the one that we're gonna talk about tonight,
which is the divine feminine video.
So since I'm gonna talk about it tonight,
I'm not gonna explain it.
The next video after that is the online dating video.
I teach it.
Y'all, no one has been out there online dating more than me.
No one has hated online dating more than me.
And so if the idea of online dating
makes you wanna throw up,
do not start online dating until you get to that video
because I don't want you to go in miserable
with old mindsets.
I really, I want you to see it as a tool.
It's no different than we shop online
to our favorite stores,
but sometimes we still might go
to a live version of that store.
So all online is, is just a tool
to practice your dating skills,
get to know yourself better, give other man a chance.
But you don't ever have to do that.
When we get to that night,
I will talk about other ways
that you can meet people in real life
if you want nothing to do with online dating.
And then of course,
the last video in the series is really my favorite.
It's the boundaries teaching.
And you might be like, oh my gosh,
I read the boundaries book, been there, done that.
I promise you I've been teaching on boundaries for 20 years
and I still need recovery in boundaries.
Most of us are here
because we've either had too many boundaries
or not enough boundaries.
And I feel like that teaching is good for you
no matter what season of life you're in.
If you have children, how to handle your coworkers,
how to handle your friends, your pastor, your neighbor,
your family members, all the things.
And so those are the videos.
So here are the kind of rules of engagement for phase two.
We want you to stay as active as you were in phase one.
We want you to answer that roll call.
There's like 200 of you in theory that are in phase two.
And we may get 50 people who reply
to that roll call on Sunday.
So that post is gonna go up on Sunday morning
and it gets pinned to the feature.
We really do want you to check in with us
and just tell us what's going on.
Just like be kind of brief
and just tell us what's going on.
And usually Carla and I will try to respond
to each and every single one of you.
That roll call really, like I said,
is how we know what to bring up this week.
If you have a much longer story
and or it's like the middle of the week,
you are also allowed to create a post.
Just like in phase one, you are not allowed to link
to other authors, speakers, teachers, influencers,
other books.
We don't want you to recommend it.
We actually at this point don't even want you guys
to recommend other dating sites.
Wait for the live conversation, wait for the online video,
because sometimes some of you guys are recommending
online dating pages that we would actually not recommend.
And no offense, they're not paying us for the thing.
So I'd be happy to answer those questions live
and kind of guide you and direct you.
And one of the, let me see, let's see.
Stay engaged.
Please come to check-ins as much as you can.
If you can't come to the check-ins
and you're watching this in replay, that is great too.
And don't skip this process.
You really learn so much.
You guys, I'm a huge fan of group therapy
and 12-step meetings,
which is why these weekly check-ins are so valuable.
You will learn so much just by listening
to other people's questions and answers,
because when it's your own story,
sometimes you might have blind spots on,
but when you watch it in somebody else,
you're kind of like, ooh,
that's what I look like when I say that?
Like, ooh, like it's very humbling.
And so it's a great opportunity for you to learn
and to grow.
Okay, I think I got through all of the,
the housekeeping items.
I have to change my screen just for a bit.
Okay, let's see.
Keep your post.
Oh yeah, try to keep your posts brief.
Sometimes you guys can get really long-winded
and I don't want us to give you bad advice
because you went on and on
and we're not getting the full story.
So try to keep them compact.
Hit the highlights.
If it's really that long of a story,
it's probably better for a weekly check-in
and not for you to type it anyway.
That's probably a good gauge.
When you are commenting on other people's posts, please try to keep it positive and try not to be super negative.
We call it lift each other's boats up.
So if somebody's having a really rough day and she's asking for your prayers or she's like, I had a really bad experience here instead of you being like, oh, my gosh, girl.
Yeah, men suck. And I hate online dating, too.
Like, that's just bringing the boats down so you can empathize with somebody, but really try to lift each other up.
OK, so I'm going to try to put this to the side so I can keep looking at you gorgeous ladies while I'm teaching this.
OK, so there you go. Those are the housekeeping items.
And I got through that in 10 minutes just like I wanted to.
We go to fast pace so you can take notes for what I'm about to go through for the next 10 minutes.
It's also in the video. It's the Divine Feminine video.
And so, again, this isn't meant to teach you the entire video.
The video is over an hour long, but this is kind of like what I call the highlight reel.
So what Jackie talks about in the Divine Feminine and you're going to have to watch it or rewatch it to hear it.
But she talks about God's original design for when God made man and God made women.
We are the easer. We are the helpmate.
But the only time that the word easer is used beside to describe us, it's actually excuse me, used to describe the Holy Spirit when means warrior.
So y'all like we're not just like some sidekick helper.
We are an easer. We are a warrior for our man.
And so we want to kind of pack into that.
And, you know, ever since the fall, we kind of have gone from one end of the spectrum to the other of women being completely silenced to the women's movement.
And now we're in this phase where people don't even want to own that they're a woman.
Forget what their, you know, biological parts say.
Well, I'm not a man or a woman or I'm a man, but I have a woman body parts like we've gone so in so many directions with God's design for the divine masculine and the divine feminine.
So it's a great video to watch.
Here are the seven characteristics that the Lord wants us to manifest that makes us kind of unique.
And so we want these gifts different than men.
Number one, we are called to be the nurturer.
Now, if you are mamas, single mamas, this isn't like how you take care of your children because men don't need mothers.
They want to date women. They don't want to date their mother and they don't want to date their therapist.
And so they really want you to nurture them.
And when you think of the word nurture in this sense, it means like helping something grow.
So like when you think about planting a garden and like cultivating your vegetables or flowers, you're going to water it.
You're going to give it nutrition and fertilizer because you want to see it grow into its fullest potential.
So that's the way that we want to support the men that we are with.
We want to create an environment that helps them kind of rise up and grow into what they're going to be.
What we do not want to do is become their caretaker.
Caretaking is something that you do for the elderly and it's something that you do for the children.
We do not need to do that for the men that we are dating.
And I really want you to pay attention to this one, you guys, because so many of you are so excited about phase one.
You think it's your job to teach men how to date and teach men how to do a relationship.
Like I'm in phase one and I need to look for a man who's like got the three M's.
He's mature, masculine and marriage minded. And we're going to do level two dating and we're not going to do this.
Like, no, no, no. Do not give him the whole playbook. Do not be the one to teach him.
If you think he needs better game on how to date, then send him to 1822, tell him to go to the website, JackieDormer.com.
And that's where we can have the men mentor the men.
So we don't really want to be the one taking care of them, which kind of leads into bullet point number two.
We are counselors. We give wise counsel.
So we are good at giving like we are good at unpacking different viewpoints or perspectives and thoughts.
That doesn't mean we're going to tell them what to do and it doesn't mean that we're going to analyze them and become their therapist.
So if you noticed, there's a fine line kind of picture that four inches of a balance beam, like a gymnastic balance beam on one side is nurturing.
But if you go too far over your caretaking, one side is given wise counsel.
The other side is becoming their therapist. You don't want to do that.
The third one is this is very close to wise counsel.
We provide wisdom. So let me just read this to you. Wisdom is deep understanding and knowledge of a subject.
Wisdom is the application of that knowledge. However, with a broken, unhealed heart.
So if there's an area of your life that even though you've all done phase one.
As you start dating, men are going to trigger some old wounds and you're going to be like,
Ooh, I just thought I finished phase one.
Why did this happen?
Well, because Jackie always tells us some of the things that you're going to get healed
from, you could only get healed from actually practicing a healthy relationship.
You can only do so much single and alone.
The rest of it's going to happen in that next relationship.
So when you have a broken and unhealed heart, wisdom can turn into judgment and suspicion.
It can look picky and negative.
And sometimes as we age, ladies, that picky and negative shows up on our face.
We can kind of call that resting bitch face, you know, and so we really want to make sure
that our wisdom and discernment doesn't turn into judgy McJudgy.
Again, wisdom, judgment.
The fourth one is comforter and peace.
We bring comfort, we bring peace, and we bring Shalom.
We have breathability and comfort.
We are an advocate and we are able to be steadfast.
So that comfort, we bring a comforter, again, comforter, not therapist.
And then of course the fifth one, this is one of my favorite y'all.
Okay.
So I'm going to own this one.
It's one of the hardest ones for me to work on because I am a Yankee from the Northeast.
I'm short.
So I've had to be loud to get attention and like gain my place in a conversation sometimes.
So this word is meek.
Meek is not weak.
The positive moral quality of dealing with people in a kind manner with humility and
consideration.
I love this phrase.
Meek is power under control.
It is gentle and soft, which actually takes great strength.
It's not rigid and cold.
So here's the thing, you guys, I don't want you to think that meek has to be quiet, but
meek probably doesn't yell.
And so I have to sometimes think when I use your inside voice, you know, like not only
am I from the North, I'm also Italian, I was also a cheerleader.
I have learned how to activate my voice to carry across a football field without a microphone.
So I have to remember to not use my outside voice inside, especially when I get excited.
Like when I go to my family reunion up North, I'm about to go there in two weeks, I was
kind of paying attention to my family.
There's like 300 of us at the beach at like seven o'clock in the morning, seven o'clock
in the morning.
We should be really quiet.
Like, you know, just getting our first coffee.
And all I could think of was, oh my God, we are so loud.
Like no wonder people think I'm yelling sometimes.
So you may not realize how strong your voice is kind of coming into the room.
Hear what we're not saying.
We're not saying be less.
We're not saying be soft.
We're not saying be quiet.
We are saying consider the tone of your voice, consider your tempo, consider slowing down.
So I have this on a sticker.
So here's how I activate meekness.
My sticker says slower, lower, softer, SLS, slower, lower, softer.
So if you were a loud gal like myself, we might need to slow down our breathing, slow
down the words that we use.
We might have to lower our voice down an octave and we might have to soften the way that we
say stuff.
We might have to think about it.
So maybe not be so direct all the time.
Now if you're a wallflower who doesn't speak up, that's not meek either.
Remember meek is power under control.
So for some of you that are passive aggressive or you're introverted, you might need to learn
how to speak up because what happens a lot of times when you don't speak up and you don't
ask for what you need, you actually get mad at somebody when they don't give you what
you need, but you've actually never told them what you need and you think they're supposed
to just assume or know better.
And most of the time people don't know what you need.
And for as many people on this call and watching this, we all need and want different things
from a man.
There are some things that we want that are basic, but you know, it can be really confusing
for men.
Like especially now with all the conversation about patriarchy, they're like, I don't know,
am I supposed to hold the door for her or not?
Am I supposed to open the car door or not?
Am I supposed to offer to pay for it or not?
Like poor guys don't even know what they're supposed to do anymore.
Okay.
Number six, we are the receiver.
We were made physically and spiritually to be the receiver.
Sexual intercourse allows us to be the receiver of the man.
That's just the way we were created in our womanhood is to be on the receiving end.
And so ladies, when men offer to do something, one of your learning, one of your new techniques
is to say, yes, thank you.
Not no.
If men offer to lift up your luggage.
and put it in the thing. Don't say, I got it. Let them do it. So that's going to be one of
your homework assignments. I forgot to put that on there. You're going to learn how to say yes,
yes, yes. Thank you. Yes. Will you let me get that for you? Yes. That would be lovely.
Even if you can't get it, you guys, I go to Planet Fitness and I can barely reach some
of the equipment. And if a guy sees me struggling and he offers to help, I used to climb up on the
chair to reach stuff. Now I say, gosh, yes, that would be lovely. Or guess what? I'm even getting
bolder and braver. I actually go, Hey, can you grab this for me? And you know what? There,
a guy has never said no. They will always, because guess what guys want to be the giver
because that's what they were made to be. And then number seven, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun.
Some of you are already showing signs of stress and desperation and frustration. And I promise
you, if you're not having fun in this season, you are going to be like a wet noodle and men are
going to be able to sniff that out a mile away. And they're not going to want to hang out with you.
Men want to have fun. So we have to have fun. So our seven words are, we need to be the nurturer,
the counselor. We need to be a wisdom, comforter, meek, receiver, and bud. So again, way more to
unpack if you watch the video. So I want you to be thinking about that because when you go into
your breakout room, I want you to be thinking about which one of those characteristics you think
you do super well, or maybe an overuse of it. Like, you know, I think I'm a really good nurturer,
but golly, I think I turn into caretaker faster than I realize, and I need to rein that in.
And then you're going to be picking one of those words that you want to activate. So those words
are nurture, counsel, wisdom, comfort, meek, receiver, and fun. All right. So there's only
three other topics I want to briefly go over that we're seeing in the feed and in your comments.
And then we're going to have you guys go into your breakout. And this is really important.
We want you guys to give encouragement and feedback to each other. But some of you are
turning in your feedback to coaching and telling them what to do. Remember, in the same way,
I don't care what your job title is. I don't care if you're a wellness coach, a therapist, a pastor.
In this space, you are the student. You are here to receive. And to be honest with you,
here's what happens. When we start coaching other people, we stop working on our own stuff. And a
lot of you guys are in this program because you've spent a lifetime taking care of everybody else but
yourself. So I want you to be super selfish and focus on what you need. So I'm okay with you
encouraging other people. But some of you are turning into therapists. And I really want you
to rein that in. Please let Jackie, Bethany, Carla, or myself be the ones to tell people what
to do. So if it sounds like you're telling them what to do, you're probably coaching too much.
What you could say is, hey, here's what I would do in this situation. Or here's what's coming up
for me. So you're basically sharing your opinion. You can share your opinion. You can share your
encouragement. We really want to make sure that you are curious and compassionate. So those are
my favorite words, curious and compassionate. So sometimes that means asking a curious question
back before you even given your answers. Also be really very, very loving and compassionate.
Sometimes you're like, oh my gosh, well, he's being a jerk. Why are you still talking to him?
Don't say it that way, y'all. Then you're just going to make people feel even worse for even
bringing it up. And they're not going to be as comfortable sharing a post. So there are times
when people share posts and they kind of already know the answer and they just need confirmation of
that answer. So what we don't want to do is like shame women for like, because here's the thing,
y'all, I mean, I still mess up. I still mess up. And as you know, last week, I like owned a lot of
my mess up. I can tell you all the things I did right in this last relationship I was in. And I
can tell you all the things I did not do right. And I thought, well, dang it, I still got some
work to do. And so we're all in this learning process together, which kind of brings me to
our second point. We are here for heart healing, you guys. And it means that we are going to date
differently. Some of you are giving advice that says, well, don't answer the next time he calls,
act really busy. We don't play games. We don't play games, but we are adult women who are not
desperate. So I don't want you to feel like you are a puppy dog, you know, running after men or
like coming to them every time they call you. But I also don't want you to lie and manipulate
your way or be coy and playing a game to kind of get them to kind of come back into the camp.
We need to trust that the Holy Spirit is with us, guiding the way we speak, the way we respond.
We are trusting that God is writing our love story for us. And so,
like somebody bravely asked, like, hey, I'm going to be at a missions
conference. How do I tell people that I'm single and ready to mingle? And somebody put like,
put single and Pringle on, singles and Pringle on your t-shirt. And it's cute and it's funny,
but you guys, if it's a work conference, you don't do that. Like, there's still some
professionalism that we're going to do. So you can be friendly. You can pray every morning,
like Jackie said, like God opened doors for me, give me opportunities, bring situations to me.
When you're around people, you can be friendly, you can flirt. But like, I would never encourage
you guys to go to a work conference, ignore all the women, only talk to the men. Like,
could you imagine if like some of the men start figuring out like, okay, who's the weirdo? Just
like, she's not even here for the conference. She's just like all over us. Like that's just
starting to creep me out. So I love that she asked that question because we're all potentially
guilty of trying to do too much and kind of making it happen. So we're not going to try to make it
happen, which really goes into my last bullet point, be anxious for nothing. Philippians kind
of talks about that. And men can sniff out our anxious, desperate, worrisome. I said, men can
sniff out anxious, desperate, worrisome women. They are not attracted to that. In phase two,
you are here to discover and explore. There's going to be an ebb and flow to it. Sometimes
you're going to have 10 different guys to talk to and you're going to like not figure out how
to balance that. Other times it's going to feel like the Sahara desert. You're gonna be like, oh
my gosh, I haven't seen a man or human in like three weeks. What's going on? And we just want
you to know that there's going to be an ebb and flow to this. It's not like some magic pill is
going to happen and you're going to instantly find your spirit mate next week. You might, and that's
great. And I'll celebrate with you if you do, but this is a real big discovery. The other thing,
especially because it's summertime, you guys, I want to make sure you're getting out there and
you're living life and you're doing things that you love. So you do not need to put aside taking
care of your body, taking care of your health, your spiritual health, find an activity, volunteer
for a group, take a paint class. Like make sure if you are bored and lonely and you are not meeting
men, then I want you to fill up your calendar with fun things to do that is going to get you in front
of people. Because the most random person might be the person who knows your person. It might not
even be your person. So I'm going to cut and paste into the chat what the questions are that
you guys are going to go in and ask each other. So here's the rules of engagement. Can you post
those? I am going to. Okay. So it is nurturer, comforter, wisdom, counselor, no. Meek,
receive. I think I'm missing one. Fine. Let's see. One, two, three, four, five. Oh, I think
I got them all. I'm so proud of myself. Let me see. Let me look back. Counsel, comfort.
All right. There you go. Okay. So take a screenshot of that. So those are the two
questions. Now, here's what happened last week. There was like six or seven of you that
you're in a position where you can't do one-on-one and get on camera.
So you'd stayed in with me with your camera off. And some people were left alone. If you are left
alone for more than 30 seconds, please come back into this main room, put your camera on,
take yourself off mute. You guys, I have one working eye. I don't always read what's in the
chat. I'm having a hard time with that font size. So I need you to come back in and go,
woohoo, I'm alone. I will match you up with somebody. No one should be sitting here with
me for 15 minutes, not getting matched with somebody. So the only way, because it's impossible
for me to know who can get on and who can't. I'm going to do 12 breakout rooms
because there's 24 of you. Actually, I'm going to do 11 because I don't count.
And so right now it is at the bottom of the hour and I'm going to bring you back in like 13 minutes.
All the rooms are open. Go and be with your people. Answer those two questions. Please do
not dominate the conversation and hog it up. I want you to share equal time. If your person
doesn't show up, please come back here and I will put you in another group.
Hello? Yes.
Hi, I'm driving. I don't think I can be able to join that group.
Well, can you join and still talk? It's just one other person. Do you think you can talk
while you're driving? I can't see my phone to click on the joining of the group because
my phone is connected to my car. So I can't really.
see how to join from my when I'm driving but my phone is not next to me.
All right. You know what I mean? I understand. I understand. I'm just making sure other
people have somebody. All right it looks like Samantha needs to go to another
room. So I'm gonna move Samantha. Yeah I'm
almost home. When I get home I can join but
well it might be too late. I'm just trying to get
I understand. I'm just trying to get people in the room.
Deirdre I'm gonna put you in room four.
Deirdre I was just about to move you to another room.
Where'd you go? Where'd you go? All right I'm gonna move you to
room four.
All right Deirdre I just moved you to room four. Okay.
Okay I think I got everybody else. All right Judy you can just mute yourself
for now and I'm gonna go ahead and actually pause the recording.
Okay so we are back to the dating portion. This is where people are
asking their questions and Michelle you are up.
Okay so I wanted to know you always talk about dropping the handkerchief right
and I feel like I don't understand it fully. So I find that if I
meet a guy and you know you smile, you be friendly, you tell them that you like
them and then I realize they do like me
but nothing happens. They don't ask you out, they don't do anything. So I'm
wondering if I'm not getting it right what else
would I should I do to get them to actually ask you out?
Okay so yeah so one way that you can sometimes you can be super bold
and ask them the first time like hey John oh my gosh I loved getting to talk
to you at the coffee shop the other day or I love seeing you at church
would you be open to getting together for coffee and getting to you know just
getting to know each other a little bit better. Now if you're going to be the one
to directly ask that question you kind of have to be willing to handle
the no right but then at least you know. So if
smiling flirting and being coy isn't working you might need to be a little
bit more direct and say oh my gosh it was so
like you guys here's where I've had to do this even like with some of the men
in this community I've private messaged them to say hey
um I've just noticed you on the Supernatural Saturday Calls I just
I would love an opportunity get to know you a little bit better. I don't know if
we'd be a good fit for each other or not but I sure would love to get to know you.
Now in this community I'm willing to say it like that because he kind of already
knows the lingo and I have to be prepared that I might
get and sometimes I've gotten a message back that says
gosh Renee that's really sweet you know you seem like an awesome person but I
really don't want to at this time. I'm like hey no problem you know go with
God but then at least I know that I know. Sometimes the men don't
respond I wish they would even in this program people are scared
to like ghost people are people don't want to hurt each
other's feelings and so sometimes or you might get an answer from a guy
that says oh my gosh yeah let's definitely do something sometime
but then they don't book that date that's just their polite way of saying
I'm not really interested in getting to know you so
um Michelle that that's how I would do it I mean if
you feel like you're getting enough reciprocal
interest from them or you're like hey I think there might be a spark here
just be willing to kind of go for it but also be prepared
that they might say no and if they say no that's okay then you can just move on
I feel like it's kind of like the sales call right
every no leads you to your yes and so I hope that helps um Rachel you're up
so um I've had like I've spoken to
a few a few people and even on video calls
and even though I'm not like I'm not fully
um you know attracted to them or or anything like that
um I'm still trying to be very open-minded
not about the ugly person you know it's not like that but
um I'm just trying to be open-minded um now
you know once I've I've gone you know in some of those calls and
and then I'm like uh you know I'm not really
attractive I I have a hard time um because first of all I
I'm not after the first time I don't want to just you know like Jackie says
don't don't it's not it's not an it's not a
it's not a no until it's a yes
It's a yes until it's a no.
Let me define what it's a yes until it's a no means.
It means that there are enough things about that person that you really, really enjoy
and you want to, you want to talk to them again, like you literally legit want to talk
to them again.
You're not sure if it's because he's a nice pal, a good friend, there might be attraction
one day, but you have enough shared interest, shared beliefs, shared values.
There's something about the conversation that you're like, yeah, like I think I want to
talk to him again.
I'm not sure he's my guy.
I'm not sure I'm attracted to him.
I'm not sure if we're compatible.
I don't know if we want the same things in life, but there's enough yeses to make me
want to get to know him a little bit better.
That's what we mean by it's a yes until it's no.
Here's what it doesn't mean.
If you want to pluck your eyeballs out because the day is so horrendously boring and you're
like you're ready to fall asleep or you can't wait for the 60 minutes to be up, no, we do
not want you to go out with him again.
Or if you can tell right away that he has no shared value system with you, like, hey,
it was really nice getting to know you, but I kind of think we want different things and
I wish you the very best.
So that holds true for video dates.
If you have a video date with a guy, whether you thought it was clunky or not, or you thought
he was cute or not, if there was enough things about him and or his values that line up with
what you want, you give him another chance.
If you're not sure that you're compatible or you're attracted to him, you want to give
him the best chance of being attractive to you.
So you want him to pick the date that he's going to be the most fun and his most comfortable
self, because that's your best chance of seeing his best stuff come out.
You might say like, hey, why don't you plan the date?
Tell me something that you love to do.
Do you like to go play golf?
Do you want to go play Frisbee?
Do you want to go look at antique cars?
Like I don't care if you hate it, let him pick the thing so that you know he's going
to show up his most comfortable self.
And then if you're still like, eh, I don't know.
There are women that are successfully and happily married to men that it took like four
dates before they thought they could be physically attracted to the guy.
But they had like the guy checked every other box.
And so it was like, gosh, I really need to give this guy a chance because he's literally
everything I've asked for.
I'm just not feeling the spark yet.
So does that kind of help you differentiate?
Yeah.
So then there's a second, there's a second part to it.
So, um, after, you know, certain calls then, because I'm not really sure, did you go somewhere?
Well, I mean, are you talking about a video call?
Are you?
Yeah.
So we'll do phone calls and we'll do video calls.
And then, you know, with the same person, right, like I'll do a video call.
And then, um, like, you know,
Okay.
So Rachel, how much, how much, how much first date practice do you have?
Do you feel like you've got some good dating game?
Like do you feel like you know how to date well?
No.
Okay.
So then you need to go on these dates.
I mean,
No, no, no.
I'm telling you what you need to do.
So if you, if you think he's a nice guy and you're eh about him, you're going to go out
on a date with him because you need to learn how to practice dating.
If you're thinking you're dating game is like, and it's like, you got to dust off your
dating skills again.
Kind of like what I just said.
I don't know how to date at all.
Okay.
Then that's why you need to go out on those dang dates, Michelle.
I mean, Rachel.
Cause it's, it's just like what I just said to Michelle or to somebody else, like you've
got a PR or Heidi.
I think it was Heidi.
I'm forgetting.
You got to practice.
You want to practice with guys that you don't care which way it goes.
They might surprise you or, and B, if it doesn't go anywhere, you've kind of learned
how to date.
Like, yeah, this guy, now that doesn't mean you're going to use them because you're still
going to be nice and kind and you want to be better than you found them.
So maybe it's some guy that hasn't had a girl say yes to him in a year and you just made
him feel like a million bucks cause you were the first girl to say yes for a date.
So that alone might make them feel good.
So you feel like you don't date well in person and they want to take you out on a date.
Let them.
I went on my first date finally last week.
Um, and, um, I decided, you know, cause he was like dinner or coffee, you know, or coffee.
I said, oh, well coffee and I bring a board game.
So, um, we played some dominoes and it was fun.
You know, I don't think he's my guy, but, um, we've.
possibly we'll go out on another date,
you know, just for practice, you know.
Perfect, I love it.
And you might be thinking the same thing.
So you guys either might find
that you are more compatible than you realized,
or you might just make a nice friend.
And you might have,
cause here's the thing you guys,
sometimes the dates are just to make you both feel good.
Like not every guy you go out on a date with,
you need to marry.
Like maybe, like haven't you ever just had a girlfriend
that was a good girl that was like,
you know what, gosh,
I'm just getting to know her at that.
Like right now I'm here in Denver
and I'm getting to know these 12 women.
We live in different parts of the country.
And for a season, they're gonna be really close with me.
That doesn't mean we're gonna be lifelong friends forever.
But right now for this season,
they're filling a need in my life.
And so that date can do that for both of you.
You can both be like, wow, that was a really nice day.
I got a really nice dinner.
I went bowling.
I saw that play.
That was awesome.
I didn't have to do that alone.
Great.
So yeah.
All right.
Good luck to you, girl.
Hi, Renee.
Hi.
So I joined Facebook dating on Sunday.
And so I started chatting with this man that, you know,
liked my, like hit the like button, whatever.
And anyways, we started talking
and he actually invited me today, earlier today,
to go to a nearby restaurant right by here.
It was like 10 minutes away from my house.
And we just had a drink.
Like I had a, he had a beer, I had a nice tea.
And anyway, so we're talking
and this is like my very first date, like in a hundred years.
So just keep that in mind.
So we're talking and the whole time it was great in my head
cause I was remembering everything
that I have learned from everything that I've learned here.
So that was a really good thing.
But he got to the point where he said,
so are you divorced?
Cause you know, obviously we're both single.
So, you know, they asked those questions.
And so I said, well, I said, no, no, I'm not.
And then he like looked at me and he goes, well,
he goes, okay.
And then I go, well, I lost him.
Okay, good.
Keep going, keep going.
I said, I lost my husband.
He passed away.
That's what I said.
My husband passed away.
And then when I said that, like my eyes got watery,
like really watery.
And I didn't cry or nothing, but you know,
like he could, I guess, tell that my face changed
cause I know also how I am.
I'm sure it did.
And so he said, I'm sorry.
He said, I'm sorry, sorry that I asked you that.
And then I said, no, no, it's not, you know,
it's not you.
I just said like that.
And then he goes, what did, then he said,
what did he have, cancer?
So then I said, I said something like,
I don't think that this is an appropriate time to,
I don't, you know, to explain that right now.
I don't think that this is the right time
for us to talk about that right now.
That's what I said.
Very nicely, but I did say it.
And then, so that was the end of that.
So I wanted to ask about that.
I was surprised that I had such a strong.
Reaction?
Reaction.
And I was like annoyed with myself a little bit
because I didn't want to have that,
but it just kind of came out and like my eyes got watery.
And then I couldn't, you know, I.
Well, but you, okay.
So first of all, you said that this is your first date
in a really long time.
Yes, I've never.
Okay, so give yourself some grace
that it's the first time
that you had to answer that question.
Yes, okay.
Right, so just give yourself some grace girl
that it's the first time you've had to tell another man
that you're widowed.
Right.
And so now you've ripped off the bandaid.
And so now the next time a guy asks you if you're divorced,
you can just, I mean, you have to,
you can decide if you're,
you tell them or not on the first date,
you can just say, you know what?
I'm single and I'm single.
Or you can just say I'm widowed.
Cause if you say the word widowed, like,
like, and it just, and if he asks,
and here's the thing, you guys,
like here's an easy way to say this too.
Like, that's a really great question.
So sometimes I try not to lead with
that's not an appropriate question for now.
I try to say, that's a great question.
And if we keep getting to know each other,
I'd be happy to tell you about that.
But don't apologize for your tears.
Don't apologizing, you know,
and you can just say, you know what?
I just realized that's the first time
I've said that out loud.
Wow, I didn't realize.
I was going to have that reaction.
I guess we ripped off that Band-Aid.
Like, you know what I'm saying?
Like, just kind of own it.
Like, it's OK.
So do you want to see him again?
No, because what happened at the very end,
this is the other thing that happened.
So everything was over, and we parked at different areas.
And he said, do you mind if I walk you to your car?
And I said, no, that's OK.
No, that's fine, I said.
So he walked me to my car.
And when we get to the car, he leaned over
to give me a kiss on the cheek.
And so I pulled back because too soon in my,
it was too soon for me.
Like, OK, it was just, I didn't, I felt it wasn't appropriate.
And that's, I don't know why I felt that, but I did.
And so then he kind of looked at me,
and then he still leaned in again
and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
And I didn't do it.
I just looked at him, and I said, OK, well, thank you so
much, and I just got in my car.
But I was kind of, like, turned off by that because we just,
I've been talking to him for two days.
We went, we met, and now he, you know, I don't know, maybe.
OK, so here's the thing, you guys,
and I'm glad you're bringing it up.
But not every person has the same cultural opinion
about a kiss on the cheek.
You know, there are some cultures
that think it's completely appropriate to do
that with men and women, with hugs.
Like, I live in the South, and, like,
I have people that come up to me and go, oh my gosh,
are you a hugger?
I'm a hugger.
Women do this to me all the time, too, you guys.
I'm Italian.
Physical touch is my love language.
I just don't like strangers hugging me or touching me.
But people, like, invade space, like,
depending on what area of the country you're in.
And so he might think it is a good thing or not good thing.
Now, if we're going to pull away,
we need to tell them why we're pulling away.
So we need to set the boundary, like, hey, oh my gosh,
I'm so sorry, I don't, you know, can we just shake hands?
Can we just shake hands?
Can we just give a side hug?
Or, you know, like, if they go to kiss,
I'll usually put my hand up on their chest,
and I will reach out for my hand.
Oh my gosh, it was so nice meeting you.
Like, my body's going to, like, I'm
going to direct what I'm going to accept.
Because if we just pull back, you know,
now, he should have picked that up, and he didn't.
So I do understand that you were turned off by it.
If I wasn't feeling it, I might have been turned off, too.
But the truth is, if we really liked him,
we might have been like, hey, hey, he just gave me,
oh my gosh, it was so sweet.
He gave me a kiss on the cheek.
Like, he didn't try to make out with me.
Like, do you know what I mean?
Like, how we respond to that sometimes
is impacted by whether or not we're interested.
So it's OK that that is your boundary.
Don't assume he knows that's your boundary.
So it's OK.
This is a good first practice date for you.
Totally good.
So that's what I do.
Like, if someone tries to lean in for the kiss,
I literally will put my hands on their chest
to kind of stop their forward momentum,
and I will reach for my hand.
Or if they're coming in fast and I can't get out of it
fast enough, I will turn even more so like they're
almost kissing my ear.
And then I'll kind of push away and be like, oh my gosh,
it was really nice meeting you.
Or I might just simply say like, oh my gosh, you know what?
I know this sounds ridiculous, but I really
don't like doing any kind of that kind of touchy-feely stuff
when I'm first meeting people.
I mean, he was very nice and everything.
I don't think he meant anything by it.
I don't know.
I didn't think about the pulling away.
I just did it.
It was a reaction.
I noticed it was a reaction.
And I think it was kind of rude on my part.
I didn't mean it, but I didn't mean to be rude.
But it just, I didn't want it.
I didn't want it.
OK, so Carrie, I'm going to kind of call you
on this word choice.
OK, so just because he went back in for a kiss doesn't,
concerning is a strong word.
Like, he just might like, there are plenty
of men who like to kiss or kiss on the cheek on the first date.
It doesn't make him a bad guy.
It just makes him a guy with different boundaries than you.
I know plenty of guyly people who
think it's appropriate to hug and to kiss
and to have sex all before marriage, right?
So it doesn't make them bad guys.
It just doesn't make him our guy.
And so we just want to be really careful.
So yes, he did lean back in.
Now, it was obvious to you that you pulled away.
I don't know if it was obvious to him.
Maybe it was.
Maybe it wasn't.
Maybe he was testing your boundary.
So maybe he's not a good guy for you.
And so I would say, has he tried to go back?
Has he tried to ask you out again?
He asked me out before we went.
He walked me to the car when he was.
paying for the drink, the drinks.
He said, I would need to see you again
if you want to see me again.
So do you want to see him again?
Besides that move that he made at the car,
do you want to see him again?
No, I would like this clarification you just made
with the yes and what a yes really means.
You said there's enough things about this person
that you want to talk to them again.
I don't think there is.
He was kind of like, he made comments.
I noticed like that he had like a,
like he has a low self-esteem
or he doesn't feel good about himself.
I'm not sure, like he would be negative about himself.
Yeah, that's more of a red flag
than the kissing you at the car.
If a man is self-deprecating on the first date,
he's already setting up for you
to be the one to break up with him
if it goes wrong or something.
And you're just not going to play that game.
You can handle a shy guy and a slightly insecure guy,
but if he's being self-deprecating on the first date
and he starts saying things like you're too good for me,
no, that's more of a no than the kissing thing.
Yeah, he just said, I would love to see you again
and we can go out to dinner or whatever
if that's what you, you know,
if you want to see me again.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, thank you.
Yeah, no, no, no, totally good.
Okay, so you guys, but I'm so glad she brought that up.
You guys, let's just, you know,
we decide ahead of time how you want to end dates,
how you want to handle if a guy hugs you,
how do you want to handle if a guy tries to kiss you?
Like kind of already have the plan ready
that it might happen.
Don't assume they're jerks if they do it
or try to do it or want to do it.
To Carrie's point though,
if he does kind of come back in and forces his way back in,
then that's a boundary.
Just make sure that you're clear.
Don't assume a man can read your body language
and read your mind.
So I'm a big fan of ask for what you need.
Sandy, you're up.
You're muted.
Sorry about that.
I'm newer to the program
and I'm just now getting myself out there,
but I have a question about the single cities.
Can you tell me about that?
The closest one is Charlotte,
which is an hour and a half and Raleigh's about three hours.
So can you just tell me a little bit about those?
And I think Charlotte and North Carolina,
I mean, Charlotte and Raleigh have combined.
And so we just have about 22 different groups
that are made up around the country of single city groups
of where there are currently men and women
that are in this program that are a part of that.
And they're really led by our volunteer kind of moderators.
And it's just a place to hopefully try to book
a lot of live events too.
Like, hey, if there's a concert series
or, oh my gosh, we're all gonna go do this volunteer thing.
Or, hey, you guys, I would like to offer
to meet up for a picnic.
And so even if you live an hour and a half away,
if the event is on a Saturday,
you might be able to go,
leave at 10 o'clock in the morning,
go shoot up for lunch.
And so it's really different cities run them differently.
It just depends on how active everybody is
and how close everybody lives together.
Like I'm in the Nash,
I kind of helped lead the Nashville group
and I just felt like we hadn't done anything together
in a while.
So I was just like, hey, who wants to do brunch
next Saturday at 10 o'clock?
Here's the place we're gonna meet.
Like, I just got creative and just made it up myself.
And we had eight people show up and it was great.
So definitely try to join that and see,
like, it's a great option.
So even if you're up to four hours away,
join the city next to you.
And as events get planned, you can either make it or not,
but it's just one more thing
and one more community for you to get to know folks.
So it's definitely worth trying for sure.
And keep an eye out because I know that Jackie's got,
I know she's gonna be coming out with the registration
for the last trip single events.
And I know some of them are in the country.
They're not all out of the country.
Are meetings always spontaneous?
Can someone outside America join a single city?
No, but I think there's a single city in London.
And if you are in a country where there's not a single city
and you wanna help get one started,
email us admin at JackieDarman.com
and I'll connect you with Bethany
and she can talk to you about how to get a single city
started in your country.
Let's see.
So yes, so they're not all spontaneous.
Sometimes it's like, hey, in two weeks,
there is an elevation, worship come into our town or like.
Oh, this church is putting on a singles event. Who wants to go. And so like, all right, it's going to be CMA festival. Does anybody want to go. So it's not always spontaneous. It's just really
How do you join a single city. I know I came near at the end. Okay, so if guide 14 has the list of all the single cities, but Facebook is Yankee right now and not all of those links are working.
So if you find that list of single cities like it might say single city Nashville and the link isn't working, then just go to the search bar and type in single city Nashville.
If you actually type in like single city New York single city Nashville. It's actually going to give you a whole bunch of them anyway and just click on it and join it and you guys Jackie is the one that approves everybody in she wants to make sure you're a legit person and so
Okay, so, and Murray's if they're not working. Take the name of that single city, put it in the search bar and it's going to bring up the actual live link and then you click on it and then you can join it.
So, but at least that gives you the name of it. So you know what the name of the single city is. There you go. All right, guys. This was fun tonight. So I'm so excited for all you newbies that are here and
Take the videos in stay connected just practice getting out there. Find fun ways to flirt. Watch the stuff cheer each other on
Encourage each other, lift all the boats up. It was so fun to see you and I will see you. I will either see you next week or you will be joining with Jackie and you will find out
By Monday. So if you don't get on Facebook, very often always check Facebook page Sundays, the roll call post. And if you ever going to be combined with Jackie's class on Tuesdays, you'll always post it by Monday.
So we want you to be aware of that. All right. God bless you guys. Have a great rest of the week.