All right. Hey, everyone. Welcome to love seats. Exciting,
exciting times. Lots of fun things going to happen tonight.
I want to let you guys know that, um,
well, hold on one second. Let me do one thing really quick.
All right. Hey everyone.
I was just making sure that all of our phase two beauties are getting over here
for love seats tonight and not getting lost, um, on a different link. Okay.
So that's all set up and that's perfect. All right.
All right. Welcome to love seats. If this is your first love seat,
you're in for a treat. See how that rhymes. Um,
you are going to be able to participate in our online
or not our online, but our, our live dating coaching,
which is what we do on love seats. So everyone comes here.
This is a co-ed session. Um, you can ask us to be in the love seat.
Usually we want you to let us know in advance if you want to get in the love
seat, but if someone here has some kind of really, you know,
burning question that they want to jump in the love seat and ask in front of
everyone, then we'll let you do that.
But that's exactly what we do on love seats.
People volunteer to personally coach with me in front of everybody else.
And I'm not always the person that runs love seats,
but usually if I'm in town and I'm available, then it is me.
That's going to do it. Um,
we are going to be having some guest coaches starting in August guys.
We are going to have a special session on relationship anxiety and what I call
relationship OCD. You're like Jackie,
are you saying that we have mental health issues in the area of relationships?
Kind of
sometimes, um, if you're not familiar with the OCD acronym,
it just stands for obsessive compulsive disorder. Okay.
Dysfunction.
And it just means that you get intrusive thoughts and obsessive thoughts about
things,
thoughts that get stuck and go over and over and cycle over and over again in
your mind that are not helpful. They're not leading you anywhere productive.
Actually, lots of times they're worrisome thoughts. They're,
they're fear-based thoughts or anxiety-based thoughts. Um,
they're abandonment based thoughts.
There can be all different types of dis based thoughts that get stuck and you
continue to focus and fixate on those thoughts.
And we can do that in relationship. And to me, relationship OCD,
also known as relationship anxiety can partner with.
Religious OCD.
I touched on this a little bit
in our relationship anxiety series that I already taught,
but I'm gonna bring on a coach
that this is their main thing.
Their main thing is to help people break out
of the patterns of relationship anxiety
and relationship OCD.
And if you add religion to that mix,
a lot of people can think
that God's telling them something he's not.
Specifically, don't go out with them,
they're not for you, break up with them.
I'm saying no.
I have someone else for you or the opposite.
This is your person.
This is the person for you.
It doesn't matter if they don't pay attention to you.
It doesn't matter if they don't know who you are.
It doesn't matter if you got hit by a car
and they right in front of them,
they would not cross the street to see if you're okay.
That's your future spouse.
You had a dream about them.
You were in prayer at church
and you felt like God just highlighted them to you
and said, this is the person.
Even though once again, they have no interest in you.
They've never expressed interest in you.
And that's best case scenario.
Guys, I've heard it all.
Worst case scenario is they're married to somebody else
and you think they're gonna be your spouse.
Oh, then you tell yourself, well, they must be,
maybe they're gonna get divorced
or maybe their spouse is gonna die.
Y'all, these are terrible thoughts.
Then you put yourself in some proverbial waiting room,
waiting for that to play out.
And then if you're in community with them,
you might actually start to get unhealthily close to them.
You might start to flirt with them.
You might start to do things
that establish some kind of connection with them.
And that's fully inappropriate and demonic.
That is not God telling you that that person
who is married to someone else is your future spouse.
All right?
It isn't.
Some people get fixated on celebrities.
I've had plenty of people come to this program
that told me that they were going to marry a celebrity
and specifically a specific celebrity.
And then they tell me who the person is.
Sometimes that person is married already
and sometimes that person is single.
Sometimes it's a Christian celebrity, so to speak,
famous preacher or singer songwriter,
and sometimes it's not.
But they have this intrusive thought,
this obsessive thought that that is their person.
And then they start following that person around.
They start joining fan clubs for that person.
If the person's a preacher,
they start going to their church.
I just had someone ask me the other day,
they said, hey, someone that I know
wants to introduce me to a single pastor.
And then they asked this question,
should I go to his church and sit on the front row
so he'll notice me?
Absolutely not.
That's completely inappropriate.
Don't go to some church that's not your church
because you heard the pastor is single
and go sit on the front row so that you're in his sight
so he can notice you and fall in love with you
or ask you out or get introduced to you guys.
These are not godly ideas, okay?
If that person wants you to meet that single pastor
and they know them, they should make the introduction.
They shouldn't tell you to go sit on the front row
of their church so that they can see you
and you can be a distraction to them
while they're doing their job.
Would you show up to anybody else's job like that?
I mean, think about it for a second.
Oh, there's this cute pilot that you should meet.
Would you buy a plane ticket and try to get on his flight
and try to like go up to the cockpit and meet him
before he takes off or afterwards?
I mean, no, you wouldn't do that because that's weird.
Well, the same with this church stuff.
Don't just start going to a church
because you heard some hot guys there that's single.
That gives the wrong vibes, you guys.
That's giving off desperation, right?
If someone wants you to meet somebody
that goes to their church that's single,
then they need to play matchmaker.
They need to play introducer.
I'm not trying to be harsh,
but I am trying to put an exclamation point on that
because that's not appropriate, all right?
And if it gets out that that's why you did it,
first of all, most churches,
you're not gonna just go sit on the front row of the church
because that's usually their staff
or usually their team is gonna be sitting up there
for a good reason because the people that sit up there
are gonna be the people that don't distract
the people that are leading the service, right?
So you're not gonna be able to do that anyway.
But if it got out that that's why you were at a church,
I had one of my students here say to me
that they were thinking about
just joining a church specifically
because they heard that there's a lot of single people there.
You know, if you don't have a church,
then you definitely should join a church
that has resources for where you are in life.
For instance, if you have young children,
you should join a spiritual community
that has a good Sunday school,
that has a good children's program
so that your kids can, you know, be discipled.
You're discipling them at home, of course,
but also that they can have community.
You definitely should find a church
where you feel like God's leading you there
because you're spiritually hungry
and there's, you know, whatever they're teaching
and preaching at that church is exactly where you are
in life and it's what you need, right?
To grow, to become more like Jesus,
to be around people that are like-minded and like-spirited.
These are important things.
And so I'm not telling you to not go join a church
that has what you need as a single.
And if they have a great singles community
for your age group and you want to go
because you want to do life with other singles in person,
then by all means, go check that out.
But don't go with the motive that
I'm only going to find my spouse
or I heard that the pastor's single
and I'm going to go and, you know,
try to get him to notice me.
You guys don't, don't do those things.
And gentlemen, same thing.
Don't be those creeper guys that go to churches
looking for single women.
Hop all over to different churches
looking for hot single women.
Go to churches because you want to grow spiritually
and go to the spiritual communities
and join the spiritual communities
where they have the resources to help you grow spiritually.
And if your spirit mate's there, then guess what?
God will bring y'all together.
Cool? Awesome.
All right, we're going to start with love seats tonight.
We have a lot of people that have asked
to be in the love seat.
Once again, if you're new,
you can email us ahead of love seats.
It's on the calendar when love seat is going to be.
And so you can email us and say,
hey, I'd like to be in the love seat.
Pretty soon on the resource tab on the app for phase three,
which is community phase for ladies.
And then gentlemen, your group is already phase three
because it's phase one, two, and three.
In the resource tab, there will be a place
where you can click and ask to be in the love seat as well.
The same place that has the resource for Ask Jackie.
All right? Okay.
So if you are here and you have emailed us,
I'm going to start with the emailing people.
And you've asked to be in the love seat.
Please raise your little digital avatar yellow hand.
Okay.
I see five hands up.
All right.
All right. Let's pray.
Father God, I thank you for this time together.
I thank you, Lord, that you have wisdom for us.
That's beyond our human pay grade.
And so we want to lean into your wisdom
and your understanding, your revelation from heaven.
Speak to us, speak through us,
give us the biggest breakthroughs
in the shortest amount of time
in the area of our relationships and love lives
and anything else that comes up tonight in Jesus name.
Amen.
All right. So we'll start out with Stacy in Texas.
Stacy, go ahead and unmute yourself.
You are on the love seat.
Hi.
So went in June to see Jeff in Wisconsin.
We had a great time.
We stayed for two days with my friends
and just did a bunch of stuff.
For everyone who's just joining this broadcast
already in process, tell them who Jeff is
and how long you've been talking
and then just give them 30 seconds
of lead up to your question.
Jeff and I have been talking since March
and we have acquaintance through high school.
And so we met up in Wisconsin
cause I was there to see my family
and he lives in Indiana.
I live in Texas.
He met up with me.
We spent two days together at my friend's house,
which by the way, I suggest you do that
if you're gonna do something long distance,
stay together, but separate bedrooms,
separate bathrooms, all that.
Anyway, had a great time.
At the end, I said, what's going on here?
And he said, well, I think I need to come to Austin.
So he has bought his plane ticket
and he has bought us concert tickets.
And so he's gonna come August 16th weekend
and we're gonna stay at my sister's house,
my sister, my brother-in-law's house,
separate bedrooms, separate bathrooms
and all of those things.
So this is the question.
The question is, cause we haven't had a DTR talk.
I determine the relationship talk.
Do I need to bring that up if he doesn't,
or do I just kind of need to relax a little bit?
So here's the thing, friends, when it's long distance,
we've already said, and if you're new
and you're just coming into phase two or phase three,
and you're just new to this whole, how do we date?
Like, you know, we're old enough to know better
for the most part, for all of you.
How do we date?
What does this look like?
Especially long distance,
you definitely have to make decisions quicker
when it's long distance, because like she just said,
there's a lot of investment going on here.
There's plane tickets being bought, right?
There's lots of travel happening.
There's lots of kind of back and forth
and talking and FaceTiming and all the things
without having the in-person stuff.
And so she went there.
And how many weeks was it before you,
that you guys talked after being reconnected
before you actually saw each other in person in Wisconsin?
March, April, May.
So probably about 90 days.
Okay, so three months, you guys.
Three months of talking.
That was the soonest that they could get together in person.
They did get together in person.
It went well, it went great.
I definitely agree with Stacey.
Utilize your resources when you go visit people
long distance to keep the prices down.
Also utilize their resources.
If they want you to come to their town,
they need to put you up with friends, family, church.
Like if they don't have any friends or family or church,
that's a problem.
Where's their community at?
If they just move there, okay, we'll call it a yellow flag.
But if they've lived there for a long time,
then we're wondering what's up with that, right?
They should have at least one person
who can give you some sort of shelter while you're there.
Especially ladies, when you're traveling,
if you have the more flexible job,
you're like, who should travel?
The person who can.
And I feel like you should share the cost
when you're just getting to know each other.
Guys, both have to get skin in the game.
You both have to invest in this.
This isn't going out to dinner and him picking up the check.
This is you seeing whether or not there's anything here
and you both have to put an investment of time in
and energy and maybe even money
in order to make this happen.
Now, I don't suggest going and seeing someone
that you're traveling to see
that you don't know anyone that they know.
They're not a known variable to you.
You met them on the internet.
You've been talking on a dating app with them,
but you can't vouch for who they are.
Don't travel and go see them.
That's dangerous.
They're gonna have to come to you for the first time.
And if they have to wait until they get paid time off
or whatever, then that's the way it has to be.
You don't have any business going someplace,
states away, maybe even an entire side of the country away
to go meet up with someone
when you don't know who they are, all right?
There are exceptions to that.
If you can get to know people that know them
and you guys can find common ground
or if you've just talked to them for a long time
on FaceTimes and met people that know them
and you feel safe,
there's definitely exceptions to rules,
but for the most part,
you're gonna want them to come to you.
So they met up and he said,
I need to come to Austin next.
So he already said what he's gonna do next.
We wanna see that.
We wanna see intention.
I've said it before, I'm gonna say it again.
When it comes to long distance,
if the guy is not all in after meeting you in person,
it's not gonna work.
Let me say that again for the people in the back.
After seeing each other face to face the first time,
long distance relationship,
if the guy is not infatuated enough
to be all in to this situation,
if he's just kind of like, eh,
he can take it or leave it,
it's gonna putter out.
It is.
So this guy liked enough of what he saw
that he said, I'm gonna come to Austin.
And then what he did,
what he, it wasn't just words.
What did he do?
He took action.
He bought his plane ticket.
He bought concert tickets.
He got something for them to do.
That's very divinely masculine.
I like that so far.
So when he comes, which is just in a few weeks,
it's about, actually it's a month from today.
When he comes to visit,
I'm sure they're gonna have a great time,
a roll wind weekend.
Emotions are gonna be high.
Have y'all kissed or anything yet?
Where are you?
I'm right here.
Just like mwah.
But lips to lips?
Lips to lips, but it was very,
it was at the end when we said goodbye.
What about lingering hugs?
Not much.
He's pretty-
What about holding hands?
Grabbing arms and things like that.
We touched for sure.
Okay.
All right.
So when he comes this time,
that will probably escalate a little bit
since there's already,
kind of guys are-
He broke the barrier there.
So that might escalate a little bit out of the concert, all the things.
All right.
And so you're going to know whether or not you're having a good time.
You're going to know whether or not the chemistry is building or
the chemistry is diminishing.
Right.
And if you feel like this is where you're going to have to judge this.
If you feel like the chemistry is building, you feel like he's not just,
you know, having a good time in Austin and going to a concert, but
that he is really digging you.
Right.
And you guys are beginning to share some deeper, more vulnerable
things with each other on this trip.
Then it is appropriate for you or him to say, Hey, you know, this is long
distance and it is a bigger investment.
Um, do we see enough potential here to keep this going?
Do we want to, are we feeling it?
And hopefully it sounds like he's a really intentional guy.
You know, as far as he he's told you from the beginning, what it was going
to, what he was going to do and he's done it.
So I don't see him leaving Austin without having a conversation
about what's going to happen next, but it's fully permissible for you
to have a next steps conversation.
Okay.
Then I have one more question.
So he is, um, he's pretty social.
And I had said something about meeting some of my friends and he's like, yeah.
So Jackie, do you think, tell me what you think?
Cause you kind of know about my community a little bit and stuff.
Like, should I do that or should I just keep it low key?
No, I think you should.
I think he should totally see the community that you're involved with
and you should have a lot of fun.
Okay.
Yeah.
I mean, you know, your parents don't live here, so, you know, these are just
your friends and, you know, these are people that you do life with.
And I feel like these are people that actually bring out the best in you.
So it's going to actually paint you in an even better light because he's going
to see, you know, how many people just love and respect you and it brings out
your, you know, your fun and all the things.
Okay.
So yeah.
Okay.
Now I would, I would definitely say 80, 20.
So 80%, just you guys and then 20% others.
So, okay.
Um, I'm just writing down something.
Okay.
All right.
So that's exciting.
So we're excited for you, Stacy.
Yay.
All right.
Go ahead and raise.
I know we have some avatar hands up for people jumping in a love suit seat, but
I want you to go ahead and raise your hand.
If you are in some level of getting to know someone like, and it's going good.
You're in some level of getting to know someone.
You might be in just level two.
You're just still kind of seeing each other in the talking stage, or you're
all the way to, um, the official boyfriend and girlfriend stage, or
maybe you already are engaged.
Let's see how many hands of people.
Okay.
That's quite, that's quite a bit of people.
Okay.
And for those of you that don't have your hand up, get ready, get ready.
Um, you guys, I did do, I, I subbed this morning for prayer.
I was a sub this morning, but God gave us an amazing word.
And so we did record this morning for prayer and we're going to make
that available for all of you, even though it was ladies prayer, gentlemen,
we're going to put it in your group.
So if any of my team are on here, please put that in the
men's group replays as well.
It's a powerful word.
If you've been discouraged at all, you want to listen to what God said to us.
You want to listen to what God said to us this morning, because
it's going to light you up.
Light you up.
Okay.
Um, next in line, Shannon, you are in the love seat.
Hello.
Um, all right.
So I have been, um, I guess in a level two relationship with a guy, his
name is Lee for the past two months.
Um, and we've seen each other pretty much once a week for the past two months.
Um, I've been on the phone, you know, communicating.
Um, I get the sense that he is.
On track to kind of see if we want to go to level three shortly, which is why
I'm just kind of now like wondering if it should, so he is a Christian.
He's very intentional.
Um, he always plans stuff that we do.
He makes sure that I'm okay.
Like he's, he's, he's very gentleman, like picks me up for the dates, like
just very intentional with that.
So that is something that stands out to me.
The one, or I guess the two things that I'm just kind of wondering and wanting
to make sure I understand is our compatible lifestyles.
So I am a very active person.
Like I go to the gym every day.
Um, I like to be in community.
I'm very involved in my church.
Him on the other hand, doesn't have a notion to work out.
He's more of a farm guy, likes to work on his gardens and animals.
So I just, and I did ask him like, if he does go to church every Sunday, he's involved in
a prayer group.
But in terms of like getting more involved in the church and having that community, he
didn't really have interest in that.
So I guess I want to just make sure, and by understanding that I don't know if we would
be able to keep up with each other just because our lifestyles are very different versus well,
yeah, maybe some interests can change when you're with someone, if that makes sense.
Okay.
So let me ask you a question.
Do you like the outdoors?
I enjoy being outside walking nature, but if I'm camping, not really.
Okay.
Does he live on a farm?
He lives on a very big property that has chickens and sheep and animals gardens.
How do you feel about that?
That's just not my, my forte.
Like I'm a more of a suburban girl, right?
And I was definitely more of a city girl before I moved to two and a half acres in hill country,
but I love it out here.
It's super quiet.
With no chickens because the coyotes ate all of my neighbor's chickens.
And I'm not going to do that to my heart because I will name each one of those girls.
And if they get eaten by coyotes, it's not going to be pretty.
All right.
But I have a space for a garden and I definitely want to give that a chance eventually when
I have some time, the bottom line is, is that unless he is looking for a farm wife and he's
going to expect you to milk the cows and do the things, you know, um, as long as you're
not too far from town, my grandparents used to have a farm and they didn't live too far
from town.
Um, it can be a great life.
I want you all to really understand that even though it wasn't what you did before, it doesn't
mean that you might not like it, right?
Same with them having change as well.
And when you're saying that you're a gym girl and you'd like to work out your gym girly,
well, you know, functional exercise, the exercise on the farm is exercise.
That's a lot of hard work exercise right there.
You know, going out, doing the garden, remember my grandparents had a garden.
So my grandpa was always out there sweating, working in his garden, you know, taking care
of the animals.
And so I'm just saying that those things don't have to be, they have to be complimentary.
They have to be simpatico in the way that you're willing to really enjoy things that
other people enjoy, as long as they're willing to enjoy what you enjoy as well, a little
bit country, a little bit rock and roll, you know?
And so these are the conversations that you guys need to have going forward is that, Hey,
we're attracted to each other.
You like the old fashioned part of him, which happens to come with kind of a ranch life
as well.
And so like, what are his expectations?
You guys have been talking long enough that you can go ahead and talk about like, what,
what are his expectations in a love story?
Like what kind of like, what does he picture his future life and marriage looking like
and see if there's any synergy in those things.
And I'll tell you something about men as far as church goes, friends, church, especially
North American, American church here in the United States of America, it's really set
up for women and children.
For the most part.
It really is.
It's set up to attract women and children, okay.
In the way that, you know, these long worship sets and it's dark and there's like dry ice
and smoke and you know, it's really emotional a lot of times in its presentation.
And then of course you have all this fun stuff for kids to do and all the things guys are
not always into that.
My husband checks out and we go to church, you know, he's sitting there, he's listening
and stuff, but he's not necessarily like loving the model, the format he comes because I go
And ladies, if you marry a man who wants a spirit mate and wants you to be the feminine
in his life, he is going to do things that please you.
And one of those things is he's going to want, he's going to go to community because it pleases
you.
And then guess what?
When they get there, they find things to, for them to attach to as well, right?
My husband has friends at church, you know, my kids are adults.
So my kids have friends that my husband also is kind of like mentoring and stuff.
And then we all go out to eat afterwards and we hang out together and we do life together.
And so just because a guy has not joined like 15 groups at his church and he's not part
of a cell group and you know, he's not an usher at his church and he's not, that doesn't
mean that he's not spiritually involved.
It just means he's not that social of a person and you're going to be the social director
of your marriage.
I'm the social director of my marriage.
but as long as your husband is wanting,
and we cover this in Simbis, you guys,
if you get engaged or you get to level three
and you want to see if you're really compatible,
take Simbis because we cover community
and we cover the kinds of topics
we're talking about right now
because you have to have community together.
So I want to challenge you, my friend,
to have a conversation with him
about what does he think that his life looks like?
In the future with his spirit mate,
like, what does that look like?
And see if you guys can talk about that
and then see how you feel after that conversation.
Okay.
Okay?
All right.
And I don't like to camp either.
I don't want to go camping.
I mean, I'll go stay in a cabin.
Yes, that's more my cup of tea too,
but a tent, I just, that's just, I can't do.
Yeah.
And just because he likes, you know,
a garden and some chickens doesn't mean
that he's going to make you be in a tent.
So, right?
You know, just because he wants to go out
and kill Bambi's mother doesn't mean
he wants you to go hunting with him.
You know, guys, like a lot of men that are like that,
they like men's stuff and they do it with men.
They're not expecting us to be doing that
or be interested in that in any way.
All right.
Cool.
All right.
So she's going to report back to us after she has that.
I put something on my Instagram today, you guys.
And it said, I forget.
So I've just got to read it to you.
Don't settle for less because more is out there
and it's looking for you.
And then the caption is,
you might really be tempted to settle for things
you know are not right for your life
because you're scared that there's nothing better out there.
Please believe me when I tell you that better exists
and it's looking for you.
Make sure when it finds you
that you're still single and ready for love,
meaning that you haven't just went ahead
and taken yourself off the market for something.
You guys, that post is 100% about unhealthy relationship.
It's not about what I'm talking to her about.
A lot of times we'll think that the better
is something that 100% fits our current life.
Guys, I'm going to tell you something
and it's really important that you hear it.
If you want to get married, your life's going to change.
Please listen to me.
I'm going to say it again.
If you want to partner,
you are not allowed to keep your life
the way it is right now.
You're not going to.
If you're looking for someone to just come
and fit into your current life
and do everything that you like
and be at the same community
and do all the same activities
and have the same friends,
that's not going to happen.
And the reason why I'm being so maybe even aggressive
with this topic right now
is because I have seen people get separated
in this community after they got married
because they thought that they were just going
to be able to keep their single life
and add another person to it.
That's not the way this works.
It does not work that way.
When my husband and I got married,
we ended up leaving the church
that he was at for 27 years.
Why?
Because Jackie didn't want to go there?
No, because God called us out,
called us somewhere else,
someplace neither one of us had ever been.
We didn't end up with the same friends.
My best friend for 20 years,
I barely even talked to her.
I think she's best friends with someone else now.
It isn't because I was mad at her.
I didn't break up with her.
I just moved on.
I moved far, far away.
And that's just what it looks like.
I have different hobbies than I had before.
There's some things that are the same,
but a lot is different.
And I want you guys to go ahead and embrace that idea
because if you're not willing to sign up for change
and maybe radical change,
then marriage is not for you.
Get a roommate.
Get a dog.
You know, seriously, marriage is not for you
if you're not willing to be radically
stretched.
Okay.
All right, Katie, you're in the love seat.
Yeah, thanks.
So I have been dating Robert.
Our first date was December 31st
and about two months in is when I stopped seeing other people
to just be exclusive with him.
And we're level three, have been since probably
about two months in.
And I've been-
feeling for a while that we were reaching this crossroads
where either it was about to get really, really good
or it was time to call it.
And I actually feel like I kind of made a decision
but I wanted to bring it still to the coaching
to see if there's something I'm missing.
But feeling like-
Hey, wait, I need a little bit of clarity
before you say anything more.
How long have you been talking?
Six months.
We just had our six month anniversary.
Six month anniversary.
How long of that six months
have you been official level three?
Four.
Four months.
And did he ask you to be his girlfriend
or did you just kind of fall into it and decide together?
Just kind of fell into it, decided together.
Okay, but there was a conversation at some point
that, hey, we're exclusive, we're together,
we're not seeing anybody else.
Yes.
Okay.
And you feel like after six months,
I mean, so you feel like there's a kind of like
make it or break it thing that you're at right now
where we're either gonna go forward
into like what, engagement, marriage,
or we're gonna go our separate ways?
I don't think we would be moving towards engagement yet.
I see him as a potential husband
and I see that there's possibility of us having kids.
I feel like I am definitely falling in love with him
but I also feel like there's a lot of ways
that he's not stepping up and stepping into this
and there's lots of fear and anxiety
that kind of rules his life
and affects our relationship in a really negative way.
And so-
Can you wave your hand around
because I'm having trouble finding you.
Okay, there you are.
Thank you.
All right.
Okay, so you said that you feel like
you know what's gonna happen next.
You feel like you're coming here
for kind of like even maybe a confirmation.
So what is that?
Yeah, I'm feeling like it's time to end it.
So I've been looking at my Jesus Cares board.
There's a lot of things he checks off in a lot of good ways.
We're complementary in very,
we're opposite complementary.
I'm introverted but more outgoing than he is
where he is very, very introverted.
Doesn't socialize with anybody.
How often do you see each other?
Two to three times a week.
So you live close?
Yeah, about 35 minutes away.
Any kids involved?
Nope.
Okay, either of you ever been married?
Nope.
You're falling in love with him?
Yeah, I feel like there's, I'm headed that way, yeah.
I don't feel like I'm in love yet.
But you're headed that way and you wanna pull the plug
because you don't think he's falling in love with you.
You're getting more serious than he's getting.
What's your evidence of that?
He's seeing you two to three times a week.
What's your evidence?
For four months, he's been seeing you
two to three times a week, yes?
Yeah, it's not that I don't think
he's falling in love with me.
I just see some really big core issues for us
that are not in alignment.
Our faith, for one.
Okay, tell me about that.
I'm very involved in my church.
I've been in leadership, want to be a church planter,
involved every single week.
He has a life of faith
and he has been a part of the same denomination as me,
but he has issues with the church
because of some racial issues and political issues.
He told me that he wants to get involved again
and he feels the desire and drive to go back,
but his words and actions don't match.
He's not going because in the season
that we're in, racial, politically,
he just has hard time with that.
Does he have, outside of the church,
does he have spiritual community?
Does he have friends that are believers?
Does he have men in his life?
How do you see him as a man of faith?
What kind of relationship does he have with God
and what is the fruit of that?
Yeah, that's what I've been searching for
and looking for at first,
just trusting his word that like,
yeah, I'm in the Bible, I'm reading my Bible,
I'm listening to worship,
but I don't, the more and more I ask about it,
the more and more I invite-
But the thing is,
as you're spending two to three times a week with him,
what kind of fruit do you see in your life?
Is he kind?
Is he gentle?
Is he generous?
You know, what do you see?
He is kind, he's generous.
He does have anger issues that bubble up,
but I mean-
I do too. So, okay.
He has anger issues that bubble up.
Give me an example.
Road rage is his biggest one.
Okay. Let me tell you,
let me tell you guys something about men, gentlemen.
You can, it doesn't have to be true of every man,
but men don't like to feel weak
because they're brainwashed from the time they're born
that they're not allowed to.
Okay. Especially in America.
And so when men feel emotion,
it usually gets transmuted into anger.
Okay. They feel frustrated, angry.
They feel sad, angry.
They, do you guys see what I'm saying here?
So that's what happens because they're taught
that they're not allowed to cry.
They're not, they shouldn't be weak.
They shouldn't, you know,
they shouldn't be pathetic or pitiful.
You know, they shouldn't, you know, whatever.
And a lot of times when we have that deep,
deep rooted sorrow and trauma as a man
that we're not dealing with, that we haven't gotten healed,
anger is just right at the surface.
And that's where road rage comes from.
That's like different things that are not being dealt with
deeper inside of the person that are just like popping off
on the surface when there's any kind of trigger, right?
Has he ever expressed anger towards you?
Has he been verbally abusive?
Has he any kind of aggression towards you?
And you're with him two to three times a week,
but you're saying that he exhibits
other fruit of the spirit.
So he exhibits generosity and kindness.
He's gentle.
He's a gentleman.
Has he respected and even protected your sexuality?
Yes.
Okay.
There's a lot of green flags there, honey.
Yeah.
All right.
Here's the thing.
There's the thing.
And I want her to hear this and I want us all to hear this.
We are not looking for perfect men or women.
We're looking for people that are trying
and you are never ever going to find anyone
who is not struggling or in process
in an area of their life.
So many people right now in this generation
that we're living in because,
guys, look at all the mega churches
that are falling and failing because of abuse
and because of sexual immorality
and all the crazy stuff that's been happening
behind the scenes.
People, especially men,
because they're more practical and logical,
they don't trust stuff like that.
Institutionalized spirituality.
And of course, we're in a highly, highly,
what's the word?
Not detonated.
Highly charged political season
where literally our former president
just almost got assassinated.
Like two inches from getting shot in the head.
All right.
We're living in crazy, crazy, crazy times.
And so, yes, there's a lot of people
deconstructing right now.
Now, I'm not here to tell you not to call it quits
or to call it quits,
but I am saying that it's important
that you understand that no one
is going to ever have it all together.
Yeah.
As long as they want to try to have it all together.
And remember, friends, we're not gift inspectors.
We're not looking for someone.
How many hours did you volunteer at church this week?
You know?
We're not looking for gift inspectors.
We're looking for fruit inspectors.
Fruit is the only true indicator of relationship with God.
It is the only true indicator.
And no one can fake it till they make it.
Eventually, you're gonna see
whether or not their fruit is real.
Yeah.
Whether it really is from them being in the word.
Whether it really is from them spending time with God.
And just because they're not spending time
in a building that we call church,
right?
And we want that, you guys.
We have to have community,
especially now more than ever, ever before.
So one thing that I want to say to you
before you pull the plug is offer this community to him.
We have an amazing men's community.
It sounds like he needs men in his life.
A lot of people that come here
are people that have been spiritually hurt.
You know, you can tell him that my husband
was at a mega church for 27 years
and on staff for 15 of those years,
and they fired him out of nowhere
after he'd given his entire life to them
and really hurt, it really hurt him.
And now that same mega church
is falling under horrible scrutiny
because of all kinds of terrible things that they've done.
And so my husband is finally getting some vindication
and some healing from giving so much of his life
to someplace that could throw him away so easily.
And so, so many people have been hurt
by what we call church and they've deconstructed.
So now it's time to reconstruct.
And so definitely offer that to him.
We'll be praying for you.
We can't give you, like I said,
we can't give you a yes or no,
but based on what you've said today,
it sounds like he's a really good guy
who is just on the back burner of ministry.
because of things that have happened in his life.
And people like that get moved
to the front burner pretty quickly.
Yeah, I've heard the coaching and from a lot of calls
and that's what's kept me holding on of like,
being the social director for people's lives
that you feel like there's this prophetic word
that women are bringing men to the church to kind of,
where they just need that catalyst to get there.
And so those are things that I'm like,
okay, I see that that could be playing out for us.
The other thing that I see-
I wanna say one more thing before you say that
because I wanna answer that.
I don't think that women are bringing men to the church.
I'm gonna say something pretty scandalous.
I think that, I think church, the church age is over.
And if you quit my community because of this,
then you're probably taking what I'm saying out of context.
I believe the church age,
the building of the church age is over.
I believe that we're in a kingdom age
and I believe that kingdom looks like
a lot of things, friends.
It looks like doing life together
with like-minded believers that are going
the same direction.
Now, we always talk about the book of Daniel and Daniel
and how he was able to stand up to Nebuchadnezzar
and all the different things that happened there.
But we forget that he was in relationship
with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.
They were a micro church within Babylon, right?
And they were all called there for a purpose.
They were all there to show these people
what it looked like to be sons of God.
And so we're doing life together.
My husband and I, yeah, we do have a spiritual community
that we hang out with.
We go to a church called Bethel Austin here,
love the pastors, they're good friends of ours.
We're out of town a lot.
So if that was the only spiritual camaraderie
we were gonna get, we'd be in big trouble.
But we have a vast community of spiritual entrepreneurs,
kingdom entrepreneurs that we do life with.
And any given time that we're at, they're praying for us,
we're praying for them, we're doing life together,
we just all went to Disneyland together with our families
and spent a week, like four or five days together,
just really like uplifting each other in the Lord.
And you guys, we can coast on the power of that gathering
for three or four months because it was so powerful.
We don't have quantity of time with them all the time,
but we have quality of time.
And so you have to understand that this is what
the Ekklesia looks like.
Now, if you have a local church
that has an Ekklesia mindset, amazing.
You're a blessed person.
But a lot of people are going to Church Incorporated
that is a small business that has turned into
maybe even a mega Fortune 500 business.
And that's what it is, it's a business.
And when we mix business with spiritual things,
people get hurt.
And that is what has happened across the board everywhere.
And so God's doing a new thing, friends, He really is.
And there are a lot of people that are never gonna
darken the door of Church Incorporated.
They're not gonna darken the door of Church Incorporated,
but they are going to come to a home group or a cell group
or some sort of club that you start for people
who are believers that like to play pickleball.
And then you guys worship together
and pray over one another.
You break bread together.
You continue in the teachings of the apostles.
Go back to the book of Acts, friends.
We need to go back to study hall
and see what the church really looks like.
We're the church, okay?
And so for all of you that are single,
if you have to have someone who is a church person
because you're a church person
and that's a deal breaker for you, okay.
I'm not gonna talk you out of that.
But what I am saying is that a lot of times people
will hide a lot of their dysfunction
underneath their church membership.
And people will be blindsided
because this person goes to church and they serve
and they speak in tongues
and they raise their hands to worship.
But they're just really a wolf in sheep's clothing
or a wolfette, a wolfette in sheep's clothing.
So please friends, be careful with that
because the fruit cannot be faked, but the gifts can.
All right.
Okay, now go ahead.
You can say the rest of what you wanna say.
Yeah, I just, I have a hard time seeing us as a missional,
like a couple on a mission,
like that we're working towards the same purpose.
I see a lot of me making accommodations for him.
He has too much anxiety one time
or it's too far for him to drive to my house.
My dog is too much for him.
And so spending a lot of time going to his spaces.
And we've talked about that, where that's my frustration.
But I desire someone who has ambition and motivation
but that also means motivation and ambition
in our relationship to make us better.
And I don't see him doing that.
He does it at a very, very in dribs and drabs.
Like there is some movement,
but it takes a lot of courage.
focusing to get that to happen.
And I don't know, I'm kind of at the point where I-
It sounds like he has a lot of unhealed trauma.
You know, unhealed trauma will cause us
to be procrastinators.
It will cause us to not take accountability
for change in our lives because we just get stuck
and we don't know what to do next.
So you're right, it's not your job to fix him.
And if you have told him that these things bother you
and he has not changed them or tried to change them,
you guys, that's the green flag.
We're not expecting perfect people,
but we let people know, hey, you know,
I, this really bothers me, it troubles me.
I just, I don't want to be in relationship
where this is a dynamic and they don't acknowledge it
and then work on changing it,
then that yellow flag becomes red.
And so we need to make sure that we understand that.
Now, if you do decide to, you know,
let him go his own way,
then make sure that you leave him better
than you found him, turn his sails to the wind.
You know, being broken up with is never fun
and it's not gonna be happy moment.
But, you know, if you do it right, quote unquote,
then he, you know, it won't just be another
disappointing rejection type of thing.
And that's not on you, that's not your problem,
but just make sure that it's not,
it's not a whole list of, well, you know,
I want this and I want a man like that.
And, you know, I'm, you know,
basically I'm better than you.
Let's just, let's make sure that
that doesn't come off that way.
Okay.
But yeah, keep us posted.
It sounds like, you know,
what you want to do and what you need to do.
And sometimes that's enough of a catalyst
for people to make change.
I saw that happen with a recent breakup.
The breakup did happen.
And now, and a lot of times we'll think,
oh, well, they're just trying to win me back.
No, sometimes it's a catalyst
because trauma actually brings trauma to the surface.
And so when someone gets broken up with,
especially if they're really falling in love
with that person,
or they're really attaching to that person,
then that trauma actually makes trauma come to the surface.
And some people will medicate it
and some people will go after healing for it.
So a trauma can actually cause it to be a catalyst
for other trauma to get healed.
And so that happens too sometimes.
Rob is saying soft encouragement,
how we feel apt to engage with personal emotions
other than angry and hungry throughout the day.
That's fun.
Two feelings for men.
I'm angry and I'm hungry.
Is that what we're saying there, Rob?
I should say so.
Yeah.
I think that there's a third thing that men feel
that you're leaving out there.
Please tell.
It begins with an H.
All right.
So Joshua says,
I'm burned out from churchianity.
Come on, bro.
Used to serve my heart out for 10 years.
Don't regret it though,
because I knew I did it.
And for whom?
Time for a new season,
but I don't know what to do,
especially since I'm still anchored
to the church in some ways.
You guys, it's not...
Can you bring my two cans over?
I know.
I know, babe.
I'm live right now.
I love you.
Thank you.
You guys, see this little opal pendant?
This is some jewelry that my mom's husband
gave to me of hers when she passed away.
And my husband accidentally sucked it up
in a vacuum at a car wash today.
And he went over there and had them
check all the filters and all the vacuums for it,
and they found it.
And here it is.
Here it is, you guys.
That's a miracle.
That's a miracle that this was found.
Do you see how tiny it is?
I mean, you can't,
I don't think you can even see how pretty it is.
It's a fire opal.
But, wow.
He just bought it.
And he's crying, you guys.
He's crying over here.
Baba!
Miracle.
It is, it's a miracle.
God is so good.
We prayed, we asked God to return this.
We asked God to return this, you guys.
And he did.
I'm so thankful.
He just found it.
He has brought it in.
Bring me my two cans, please.
Okay.
What Joshua said, you guys,
just let's just stay here for a moment.
This is so important because so many of you
are wanting to marry church people, right?
Because that's the paradigm that you've been living in,
but God's shifting something.
Everything that can be shaken will be shaken.
Do you guys see how many scandals
are rocking the church world right now?
The kingdom cannot be shaken, just so you know.
Whatever can be shaken will be shaken
so that what cannot be shaken has room to remain
or grow or prosper or gain ground.
As all of these man-made edifices,
all this church incorporated is shaking
because we put men on pedestals
and then we're surprised when they fall off, right?
My pastor went to prison, y'all.
I got all the mugs and t-shirts.
Don't tell me, I know.
I walked into the church that I served loyally
for 13 years.
I was there because it was Pentecostal
three to four times a week.
Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night, Friday night.
These people love to have church friends.
And they are the people that discipled me.
And I served in leadership during all of that,
through all my anxiety, through all my problems,
my agoraphobia.
In fact, the only place I could go for a whole season
and leave my house was to church.
I drove the church van for 10 years.
Guys, I put my blood, sweat, tears, prayers, intercession.
I also was there for women's prayer on Wednesday mornings.
I was there for youth service on Friday nights, everything.
And then one day someone walked into the church
and just said, your pastor stole all the money.
He's going to prison.
And that day the church fell apart and closed down.
And I had no church.
Overnight, the rug got pulled out from under us.
It was crazy.
And it got worse than that.
Way, way, way worse.
I'm not gonna go into that.
But when you put people on pedestals, they fall down.
They fall off pedestals.
When you give people inappropriate power
and control over you,
just because they have the word pastor
in front of their name,
or evangelist, or prophet, or anything else,
then it falls apart.
Boundaries are crossed.
Hearts are broken.
Disappointment comes, disillusionment comes.
And in worst case scenarios, even more crazy stuff happens.
Even more crazy stuff.
And under the guise of being spiritually
and emotionally abused.
So Church Inc., and not all churches are like that,
but there's a lot of them
where there is inappropriate control happening.
People are building something that's not eternal.
They're having church, but they are not the church.
Now you can tell, have you gone to a church for decades,
but your life has not improved?
You're not living John 10, 10.
You're still dealing with shame.
You're still dealing with all kinds of the sin,
same shame cycle, right?
You're not being fed.
You feel empty.
You feel lost.
You feel confused.
You're still broke.
You still have the same old job that you don't like.
You still feel lonely.
You don't have community.
You don't have friends.
You go to your church,
and you feel like nobody even knows you there.
Friends, that's the Church Incorporated.
That's not the Ecclesia.
And so many people, like the guy that she's talking about,
they've been hurt by this.
Churches that are super political,
super, super political.
They're nationalists.
It's all about America.
You guys, we come from a kingdom,
and we're gonna return to that kingdom.
That kingdom is invading earth through us.
We are pilgrims, the Bible says.
Now, I love this country,
and I would prefer to live here than anywhere else,
but my allegiance is not to America.
My allegiance is to Jesus.
That's what the Ecclesia looks like.
And so, friends, it's important that we understand that,
and I wanna tell you something.
I'm gonna prophesy this
because I'm a prophet to the single nation.
Things are shaken up,
and that's not a doomsday declaration
because my Bible tells me that things get shaken
because they can be shaken
so that what cannot be shaken
has more room to explode on the scene.
And so, I don't know about you,
but that's an exciting thought to me,
that the kingdom would have room to explode on the scene
and that people could actually meet
the king of that kingdom, Jesus.
The church is keeping a lot of people from Jesus right now
because of its hypocrisy and its prejudice
and its racism and its sexism and its nationalism,
all the isms that are going on in the church right now.
All the isms are schisms in the body of Christ,
and it's time for us to push past that.
And so, if you have a great church full of kingdom people
that are doing kingdom work and partnering together,
then bravo, that's amazing.
But remember, people don't care how much you know
until they know how much you care.
And there's a lot of people
that we have to win back to the Ecclesia
because they are part of the church,
because we are the church,
but they have been hurt by the false one.
And so, just let's keep that in mind.
Sorry, I didn't mean to go off on a tirade.
You guys, look at what I bought today.
Oh my gosh, I can't wait to show you this.
They're finger puppets and they're toucans.
One can't, but two can.
Look at how cute they are.
Someone knit these and made these.
And if you want one of these, let me know
because I'm gonna get with the lady that made these.
He's and I'm going to have her make us some.
And if you want to get one, they're only $3 and you know,
we can mail them out.
Aren't they cute.
So cute.
All right.
I don't think you can see how cute they are.
They're so detailed.
Look at its little feet right there.
Just so cute.
All right.
All the guys are just like, Oh my gosh, Jackie, you're so corny.
I know.
I know I am, but all the ladies love it and that's all that matters.
Okay.
Quote of the day.
The fruit cannot be faked.
It's you're not can't.
Okay.
So our sister is going to report back to us.
I believe that Holy spirit is going to show her what she needs to do.
And, um, and yeah, that's gonna, that's gonna be great.
Okay.
Um, Andrea, we're gonna, we're gonna, we're gonna try to go
faster with our love seats.
So Andrea, you're in the love seat.
Thank you.
Okay.
So, um, so I met, um, I did the prophesy your year in January and had a word
that I would meet someone in April or March and that confirmed
what I'd already been feeling.
And so I was like, okay, this is awesome.
And you said, even if it's crazy, write it down.
So I wrote down what I saw, which was penguins and mountains.
And I was like, okay, so wrote that down.
I ended up, um, getting on upward met, um, uh, the guy that I'm dating now.
And on March 5th, we met there, we met like a week or two later.
Um, and he happened to buy a shirt for our date that had a little penguin on it.
And I was like, oh my gosh, that's so awesome.
And there was just lots of confirmations from that.
And things were going really, really good.
Um, he was very intentional.
Um, he's a single dad.
I'm a single mom.
My daughter's 11.
His is 14.
We lived two hours away.
And so there was just this very, just very intentional.
I was like, wow, I'm being treated.
I wasn't super attracted in the beginning, but I was like, he's so
intentional and he's like you said, the fruit, there was a lot of fruit, but
then I kept feeling like, what's the difference between a suddenly and love
bombing, like I've never been in that like love bombing, but so anyway, I just
kept in it and then something happened that, um, that really shook me up.
So, um, in the very beginning, he made a few comments about being kind of jealous
and it just made me feel kind of, and so finally I asked him, what does that
look like when you say you're, you can be jealous, how would I experience you?
When you were jealous.
And he's like, oh, great question.
I'm not like some psycho guy or anything.
I probably would just keep it on the inside.
You'd never know.
And I was like, okay, okay.
And then about two months later, we'd been dating about three months.
Um, I was at his house and he ended up taking a call, um, with one of his like
friends, a woman, he's a therapist.
So there was that, I know he has this desire to like help people and love on
people.
And, um, he kind of, it just seemed like he was being secretive with it.
And so I asked him, I was like, who were you talking to?
It's like 11 o'clock at night, like, you know, and he, he told me it was
his friend and she was crying and, and I just felt like, that's kind of
like, I drove down here to see you.
Like, we're getting ready to watch a movie and you chose to do that.
Yeah.
It took five minutes, but it just felt really awkward.
And so when I asked him about it, he said, oh, you know, babe, are you jealous?
And I was like, no, I just think that was weird.
And, um, and then he goes, well, cause I don't have, like, I'm not
jealous and I don't have that.
And I was like, what do you mean?
You don't have that?
Like, I really, it really bothered me.
I'm like, am I triggered right now?
Or is this like really something's wrong with this?
And, um, so anyway, I asked him about it and he didn't admit it in the moment.
But ever since then I've had, um, I've just had this, like, I don't want to
open my heart back to him because I feel like I can't trust them.
And about a week ago, we finally talked for like the third time
because he asked me what was going on.
And I said, I just feel like I can't get past it.
I, I don't know how they both can be true.
How can you be kind of jealous?
And then you're not jealous at all.
So my question is, is it seems like a red flag, but I wasn't sure if what
your coaching would be around that.
That was one of my questions.
Well, let me ask you what, what do you think is the red flag in the story
that he's not jealous?
Yeah, that he said he was jealous.
And then when it came time, when I asked him about something he did, he asked me
if I was jealous and told me he didn't have jealousy, he didn't, that wasn't.
And he doesn't remember saying that to me ever.
Okay.
So do you think, do you think the red flag is him not remember saying it or
him just saying that, you know, why are you jealous?
Like, I don't get jealous, which thing?
Yeah.
I, I think that it felt like we had three conversations.
Like he, we brought up the whole jealousy thing three different
times, like on dates, like, Oh, here's an example, Andrea.
This is, this is how my jealousy shows up even in friendships.
Oh, okay, cool.
But he acted like he didn't remember any of the conversations and that
made me feel really uncomfortable.
Like, how can you not remember?
I'm sorry.
I just have to have clarity.
So you're saying that he told.
told you in other previous conversations that he was jealous.
And then in this situation, he said that he doesn't get jealous.
Yes.
Okay.
All right.
First of all, let's just go back to 11 o'clock at night, talking to a girl.
That's a friend on the phone when you're in town.
Um, I think that if he was hiding something, you probably wouldn't have
answered the phone while you're there.
Secondly, um, people that are therapists, counselors, coaches, a lot
of times they have bad boundaries.
Um, people that are people that are in those professions.
And I say this because of my own self, we have to really learn boundaries,
people that love to help people.
They want to help people.
A lot of times they draw people.
They attract people that have a lot of problems.
And then if you don't have boundaries, you're talking to people at 11 or 12
o'clock at three o'clock in the morning, you're going out to rescue someone.
That kind of stuff's happening.
So that's kind of what I saw there of him, just not having good boundaries.
Um, you know, with this person, um, and you know, it's a woman,
you know, I coach men and women.
So I'm talking to men all day long.
If my husband was jealous, um, really friends jealous, isn't a thing.
It's, it's a by-product of fear.
And that specific type of fear comes from a lack of trust.
And so that can be a lot of different things.
So a lack of trust for that person, because they're not trustworthy or a lack
of trust for that type of person, whether it's a man, whether it's a woman,
just in general, because you haven't forgiven other people that have betrayed
you that are men or women.
And so it's important that you understand that now, if I had a husband who was not
a securely attached person who didn't trust me and you know, who I haven't
proven myself to be trustworthy over the last 17 years, um, then I probably
wouldn't be able to fulfill the calling on my life.
Now, do I have good boundaries?
Have I learned how to have good boundaries?
Yes.
Um, with, you know, with coaching clients that are men, you know, um, yes, I, I
have, I have learned how to have good boundaries and we've, I've never had any
situation where I've even had a coaching client who tried to talk to me in any
kind of inappropriate way, because I don't give off the vibe that you can.
So the bottom line is, is I don't give off the vibe that you can, like I have a
big, you know, you know, you know what I have written across my forehead, if
someone would even start that.
Okay.
And so that's important to have that kind of posturing and
those kinds of boundaries up.
So the other thing is, is that in the moment, um, with you kind of calling him
on the carpet, you know, people do say things in the moment when, when there's
a lot of tension and different things happening, um, he may have just said that
to try to diffuse the situation.
And also he may have said that out of kind of the fight or flight
fawn or freeze response.
And a lot of times when we say something out of the fawn or freeze response, we
actually won't remember what we said, because we're like in a, we're like in a
state of panic almost, you know, like, Oh, I made this person upset.
So it's just like, Oh, you know, don't get mad.
Everything's okay.
Um, so it's possibly that, um, do you think that he displays a lot of jealousy
towards you and wanting you not to wanting you to have good boundaries
with males, with other men?
I mean, I'm a, I'm a hairdresser, so I I'm close with men and
women because of what I do too.
So I don't think that.
I don't think that he really does.
There were just a few things.
Like I went to the pool with my daughter and he's like, Oh, any cute guys there.
And, and, you know, like he just would make little comments and he would laugh
about it, but I'm like, it just, I don't know.
I just didn't like it, but I didn't think it was a deal breaker because he didn't
show any like signs of, of a big thing.
But the, so the other thing was with the marriage thing, he was
bringing up marriage right away.
Like, I'm going to marry you.
Like, I mean, obviously you'd have to marry me.
And I'm like, we just met like a month ago.
Like it's like, okay.
And then finally one night I was just like, I've been engaged five times, never married.
And so like, first of all, I just met second of all, like engagements
have always gone bad up until now.
And so I just, I said it sarcastically, which I apologize for it, but I was like,
can we just like not talk about marriage for a day?
Like, we just kind of met like, like I really care about you and yeah, I
could see potential future, but that's like a, that's a lot.
And then after that, he just kind of, he did stop talking about it, but
he also started focusing on work.
And I asked him about that.
I said, you, I said what you had told me in the beginning that you treat me
differently than you've treated anybody else.
And it's on purpose.
You're a new person.
You've grown a lot.
You've healed a lot from your divorce and all of these things.
How, how long distance you guys are long distance?
Two hours.
Okay.
And how often do you see each other?
Just about once a week, maybe twice a week.
Okay.
And how long have you been seeing each other?
Since March.
Okay.
And is this the only thing?
that's happened that bothers you?
No, the other thing was just,
he wasn't respecting my boundaries
about like kissing and things like that.
Okay, when did that start, not respecting your boundaries?
Oh, pretty early on.
Okay, and did you tell him how that made you feel?
Yeah, and it's better now, but like, yeah, it's better now.
But then he says it, yeah, it's better now,
but once you've kissed somebody and had, you know,
intimacy, like kissing and stuff,
then you take that away and then it just feels,
like, I don't know if that was my fault.
Obviously, I didn't wanna do that, so I did, yeah.
So what do you like about him?
I like that he's a good dad.
And I've heard one of your calls, you're like,
don't, you didn't maybe exactly say don't be a brat,
but you're like, give the single dad the break.
Like, they're doing a lot.
And he has her 50% of the time.
I love that he loves people well, and I love that.
And then there's also times where I'm like,
am I being a total brat here?
Because there's so many times when I'm in his town
where we go out and he interrupts our conversation
to talk to people, because he, I guess he's been like,
in the magazines there and stuff for being, you know,
whatever, he's been there.
And I, like on one hand, I think that's amazing,
but on the other hand-
Are you telling me that when you're out and about
in his town, people recognize him and come up
and want to talk to him?
Yes, and vice versa.
Or he'll go up and see people and start talking, yeah.
Every single time?
Yes.
Okay.
All right.
And you guys only see each other once or twice a week?
Yes.
Okay.
All right.
So good dad, loves people well.
What else do you like about him?
I love, like he takes care.
I love seeing how he, like little kids love him,
run up to him.
And one of his businesses deals with kids.
And I just love seeing, it can be hard to love kids.
And just seeing the connection there.
He's really sweet to my daughter.
My daughter really loves him.
She's like, he's so kind.
And, but she even said, is everything okay?
Like a few weeks ago, she goes, he's still kind and nice,
but something's just different, mom.
And I was like, okay, you're 11,
for her to say something different.
And she couldn't put her finger on it either.
Yeah, but has she heard you,
has she heard you questioning the relationship
with anyone on the phone?
She, if she was listening when my door was closed possibly,
but not like in front of her, in front of her.
So there could have been that.
Our kids hear a lot more than we think they do.
And there's been plenty of times where my daughter
has competed complete, has repeated back to me,
kind of my own mindsets about different people
and different things
because she heard me saying something about it.
And so that's why we have to be careful with that.
Right, so here's what I want to say about this.
Okay, so, you know, you've been engaged five times,
you've never made it to the altar.
So you got it, you got a heart wound there, okay?
Right, when things start getting serious,
then things, the cracks start showing up in the foundation,
you start seeing them and you know,
and then, and then things fall apart.
Okay, so you've never paid it past that watermark.
This guy was wanting to get you to that watermark
really quickly, so he's poking your wound, number one.
Okay, nothing that you said to me
is a red flag in and of itself.
But remember, yellow flags turn red
when we talk to people about their behavior
and they either blow it off, dismiss it, justify it
and don't change it, right?
And again, if we're being irrational, we're being crazy
and we're demanding things that don't, you know,
that aren't things that people should do, that's one story.
But you only see this guy one to two times a week
and when you're going out and you could be exaggerating,
so you have to hold yourself accountable here
because I can only coach you on what you're telling me.
But if he is like spending time talking to other people
and making the rounds and shaking the hands
and kissing the babies, you know,
that's because that's where he gets his significance
and he wants to be the star of the show
and the center of attention
and that's gonna be a problem, all right?
Yeah, he admitted that.
I mean, he actually admitted that to me
and he also said it's good business
because you know, if you're being nice to people
and you have businesses
and you need people to come into your businesses.
So anyway, but yeah.
Yeah, but he's not,
but he only sees you once to twice a week
and if he wants to court you,
then you need to be the person
that he's paying attention to.
And he's gonna have to learn how to have good boundaries
because the only thing worse
than being married to a woman with no boundaries
is being married to a man with no boundaries.
And you're like, why is it worse for a man?
Because men usually have better boundaries than women.
And if you're with a man that doesn't have good boundaries
and it's like, oh, that's weird, all right?
Because men usually have no problem telling people no.
And so you definitely want to have a conversation about this.
Like, Hey, you know, um, I've got to come first.
And the way that I feel about things has to be important.
Um, you know, he's gonna have to have good boundaries, especially as a therapist,
especially as a coach of some sort, because he can't just be talking to people
at 11 o'clock at night, business hours.
Okay.
And he can't be spending all of his time, juking and jiving and kissing babies and
shaking hands when you know, you, you need him to be focused on you or the family.
And so that is what I would tell you to do.
Um, I put it before Holy spirit.
I definitely would tell him how you feel about these things.
Ask him for change.
And then if you don't see it, I guess you'll have your answer.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
All right.
Julie K you're in the love seat.
Hi.
Yeah.
Um, so, uh, I, I went on a, uh, this weekend on a third date with someone
I've been talking to since, um, middle of may, um, like I posted about it in the
group, it was like an ax throwing date.
Um, and, um, I'm attracted to him, but I don't, I think I have relationship
anxiety and I just, I don't know if he likes me.
Um, I don't know.
I just don't see him like cherishing me.
Like I want to be cherished.
Um, okay.
How many dates have you been on three, three dates.
Okay.
And after the last date, what happened?
Did he ask you to go out again?
Um, yeah, he, he does, but he's, he's kind of, uh, he, he makes it known that
he wants to go out again, but he waits.
He does wait like until two days before to plan it.
Okay.
So I guess my, my biggest, my biggest flag here is you actually use the word
cherish for someone you've been on three dates with, so no one's getting
cherished in three dates, y'all.
No one's cherished.
Okay.
Love y'all, but you're not getting cherished in three dates.
Okay.
And, and, and listen, that, that hits home for me because that's a prayer
that I used to pray in my first marriage.
I was very verbally, emotionally, and spiritually abused.
And my first marriage was bullied.
You know, I was just basically left to die, left to drown and die, um, with
mental health issues and physical health issues, and I used to cry out to the
Lord and say, I just need you to, to, to send me someone people, not just a love
interest, but people that will care about me, that will cherish me.
Like I want to be cherished.
I want to be valued by someone.
And you cherish something that's very valuable, right?
That you've come to recognize is very valuable.
And so that hits home with me.
I understand you want to be cherished, but no one's going to cherish you.
Cherish is something that has to grow.
All right.
It's not going to happen in three days.
Now respect, respect.
You can happen in three days.
Respect your time.
Respect your boundaries.
That can happen.
Okay.
In three days.
Okay.
Yeah.
I think, um, it's partially maybe like I'm comparing to an X, which was like
four years ago that I think probably fell under love bombing.
So I, I think I'm like comparing to that and I'm like, I just don't feel it here.
Um, but, um, besides that,
your ex, your ex love bombed you.
Yeah, I would say so.
Yeah.
And you guys, let's just face it.
Let's just be honest.
Everyone.
Let's be honest.
Love bombing feels so good when you've been like a dry desert lands
and no one has been noticing you being love bomb feels so great.
It does.
It feels like, oh, you're so beautiful.
Oh, I can't stop thinking about you.
Oh, I can't wait to see you.
Oh, I think I'm falling in love with you.
You're like, yeah, but you guys, it's not real.
It's not real.
And it's not sustainable.
Right.
Christina says it feels good until it doesn't exactly.
Cause it always is connected to someone who's super unhealthy.
Yeah.
Yep.
Found that out the hard way.
Um, yeah, so just cause he's not a planner and it takes him, you know,
he's being intentional.
He's letting you know, he's had a good time.
He wants to be with you more, you know, just, you know, get, give the guy a
break, let him, let him build up to it.
You know, you don't want, this is what you want.
You want to study Eddie, someone who's continuing to, you know, be consistent,
even if he's not such a great planner and waste the last minute, two days before
y'all two days for, before, for me is early.
Okay.
I don't know what I'm doing.
five minutes before a lot of times.
So it's personalities, different strokes for different folks,
but give them a chance to really fall in love with you.
And then let's see how he acts.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
So, so some things that concern me on the date.
So there was a woman who was dressed very provocatively,
like sitting outside.
Yeah, like very provocatively.
And she was taking selfies of herself
and he started like criticizing her.
And I don't remember what he said exactly
because I was just so shocked that he was saying that to me.
And he, and then he like remarked that she was going,
she was gonna go home with somebody to,
and then he used like a profane word.
And I was like, I was just like in shock.
And he's like, oh, I'm so sorry I said that,
but it's the truth.
And I'm like, I don't know.
I just, it made me feel uncomfortable.
I probably should have said more about it, but I didn't.
And then, just something.
No, okay, so he, so a woman was dressed provocatively
and she was taking selfies of herself and he said what?
He said that she's looking for one thing.
She's looking to go home with somebody and like,
you know, he used an explicit word.
Oh.
Yeah, and then he's like, oh, I'm sorry I said that.
And I just kind of-
So it sounds like he has a trigger in that area
because, you know, we've all seen people
that are up to no good or doing things
that are not worthy of them and all that stuff,
but we don't always comment on it, right?
We don't always, you know, a lot of times
we might even feel compassion or pity for that person,
but he felt kind of angry towards it.
That's definitely interesting.
I don't know if he's ever had anyone cheat on him before
or anyone that he was involved with,
even a parent that, you know, cheated or was, you know,
promiscuous because it sounds like he does have a trigger
somehow in that area.
I'm not saying where he's coming from, but sounds like it.
Yeah, I don't know if that's the case
because he has like a pretty clean slate.
What about religious?
Is he religious?
Okay, well, there you go.
A little bit, yeah.
Okay, so, and then he started,
I guess he's been reading about like toxic masculinity
and all that and like divine femininity.
And he was like telling me about how women
always like test men and that a man's job
is not to cave to a woman.
And he's like, they will test you.
And I'm like, okay, well, I don't do that.
But I feel like he withholds from me
in a way just to like proactively not test, like, you know.
Well, once again, you guys are just getting
to know each other, only time will tell.
I mean, this is such a very new relationship,
you know, just new connection, not even relationship.
And so these are things where, friends,
don't judge people prematurely.
I see a lot of you are trying to say, you know,
to who was on earlier, Andrea, that, you know,
that it felt like that guy was gaslighting.
I don't think that was gaslighting and I'm the coach.
So, but a lot of you have heart wounds
in the areas of those things.
And so you're gonna automatically jump to that.
Now, if, remember, that's why I asked her,
what do you like about him?
And the reason why is because a lot of times,
and this is where we have to be careful
when we're asking for coaching
or even asking for advice from a friend,
because of our own heart wounds,
we will exaggerate a situation.
Then of course, everyone's gonna be scream abuse then.
Everyone's gonna say, oh yeah, get out.
Ooh, that's gaslighting.
Oh, that's narcissism.
That sounds like a narcissist to me.
When you're exaggerating the situation
because you're triggered.
You're triggered by what they did
because of your own unhealed heart stuff.
I call it poking each other's heart wounds.
You're poking each other's heart wounds.
When they're not actually a bad person,
you guys just poked each other
and you guys got some stuff that came out of it
that was not great.
But that other person that you're asking for advice
or a coach that you're asking to give feedback,
they weren't there.
And so when we show up and we're having a level 10 response
to a level two situation,
people have a tendency to escalate with us.
But you guys, I've coached a lot of people,
so I know not to.
And that's why I ask supporting questions
that really get the bigger picture.
Now, if she couldn't think of anything
that she liked about him,
you know, she's like, he's a good guy.
He's a good dad.
He loves his children well.
He's sweet to my daughter.
He takes good care of people.
He loves people well.
Guys, those are all green flags.
Now.
Once again, if it, if it ends up that as she, you know,
gets to know him better and she sees more cracks in the
foundation, because you guys, people can't hide. They're crazy.
Eventually it does come to the surface. It really does.
And as long as we are not putting on blind spots and filters,
because we just want to make it work, then we're going to see it.
We are God defended and God will show us,
but we also don't want to cut and run just because people are in process and we
can't handle people in process because we're looking for perfection because we
have too many unhealed heart wounds.
And so we want to cut and run every time we see someone's yellow flags,
because we want to escalate them to red. Do you guys see that?
I've had several different situations just recently where that has happened.
People poking each other's heart wounds,
people misunderstanding each other just had a situation where, you know,
two people that met, they got together,
they had a conversation over, over technology.
And the guy said one thing that triggered the girl.
And then she completely had a response
that was level 10.
And it was full of all kinds of preconceived ideas based on one little thing.
And then when I talked to both of them separately, I could definitely see,
I could piece the puzzle pieces together and see that these people were poking
each other's heart wounds.
This woman had her guard up for certain triggers. And when they happened,
she was, she completely shut down.
And this guy didn't even know what he did because he was trying to do something
completely different. And so you guys,
they were at opposite ends of the spectrum trying to pull something out of each
other.
And what happened instead is that they completely misunderstood each other.
And then there was an impasse. Do you guys know how often this happens?
And the reason why is because you're not showing up as a fat little newborn baby
into these dating relationships, right?
You're showing up with all of your baggage.
And that's why we do part work in phase one.
So we can try to diffuse some of these bombs before they go off.
Now there are going to be things that you just can't get past and you just can't
get over right now.
And you are not going to be able to partner with someone who pokes those wounds.
You're not going to be able to see past it. And that's fine.
I don't believe you can miss out on your spirit mate if you're really
surrendering to healing, but you just aren't there yet.
And some people just bring out the worst in each other.
Neither one of them are bad people,
but they bring out the worst in each other because they don't have
complimentary heart wounds.
They have heart wounds that are going to antagonize each other.
I call it poking each other's orphan, poking each other's orphan.
Okay.
So I want to say that because a lot of you will jump to immediately to terms
like gaslighting and narcissism. You know,
I'm so glad that we've learned these words.
But let's also learn some other words like personal accountability for your own
heart work. Okay.
Now, none of you guys jumped in the love seat and don't think I didn't notice
that. In fact, Bob, who's new here, thinks that we're having a girl chat,
but we're not Bob. All this stuff pertains to men as well.
And you can apply all of this advice to yourself. Okay.
It's not a girl chat. It's not a guy chat.
Okay. It's not a girl chat.
But none of you guys wanted to get into the love seat and I don't know why.
So Bob's learning a lot. Thanks, Bob. I'm just, I'm picking on you,
but I'm not really picking on you.
Friends, I'm going to take single spotlights to the app.
So if you're in phase three and you have not joined the app yet,
please do that. If you're like, I don't know how to join the app,
email us at admin, Jackie at admin at Jackie Dorman.com.
So we can get you on the app. If you're in phase two,
when you graduate to phase three, you will also be on the app.
And the reason why this is important is because ask Jackie is going to happen
inside the app now and the replay, excuse me, and the replay will be there.
And then also I'm going to be single spotlighting eligible men to you in the
app, right? And then you can,
you can let us know whether or not they are guys that you, you know,
that you fit the criteria of a match for them and whether or not you would want
to meet them. And then three, our matchmaking platform, the,
the community level of that,
the dating base is going to be available very soon.
And you guys will be filling out a pretty lengthy questionnaire about yourself
for the purpose of the computer algorithm to match.
you within the dating base. All right. And so that is something that we have been working
on and we're going to have that level of that done. And then sometime, probably towards
the end of August, early September, we'll have the whole spirit mate match site done.
And that spirit mate match site is going to be great. And I'm excited about that. All
right. Um, no, Mike, I wasn't saying that you were saying the gaslighting. I'm just
like, we are very, we're very quick, especially people that have been through a lot of abuse
to jump to, Hey, this is abusive, but just because you don't like it doesn't mean it's
abusive. And a lot of times we're actually part of the problem when these things happen
in these new connections. And so it's important that we take accountability for that and we
see how we might be triggering each other. Cool. All right. Okay. So let's see, is there
anything else that we need to talk about? I'm going to be spotlighting singles gentlemen.
I will also be spotlighting ladies to you in the app. Sorry. I forgot to tell you that.
And so that will be happening as well, especially for you guys that have been asking for certain
types of matches. And we have lots of private clients right now in this season, you guys.
So just because you don't see people here does not mean that we do not have more people
that are working with us to find their spirit mates because there's a whole lot of people.
All right. So we're right about at 90 minutes. This has been super fun. I will go ahead and
answer the ask Jackie questions in the app. Don't forget about the toucans and you guys
don't forget about this miracle of this Opal being returned and restored. If you have something
that has been lost and you've never been able to find it, go ahead and raise your hand right now.
It might be something tangible material possession. It could be something else that
you think qualifies for this. And so Lord, I just thank you right now, the same way that you
returned this and you've returned other things to me in the past as well, that it seemed impossible
for those things to ever be found. We just release that right now that angels are on a
assignment to go into, find these lost things and return them to their rightful owners,
to their rightful owners. And I just see heavens lost and found right now.
And there are things that some of you didn't even raise your hand, or maybe you raised your
hand for something else, but I hear Holy spirit saying that there are things in heavens lost and
found that have been lost. And you don't even know that they've been lost. There's a lot of
and found that have been lost. And you don't even know that they've been lost.
There's different gifts and talents and mantles or different opportunities and open doors and
keys of authority that you don't even know have been lost. Not even maybe in your generation,
but in the generations of your family line that came before you and they, and they,
they hold with them material possessions. There have been houses and lands. There's
been all kinds of different things like that website that the government puts out that,
Hey, we owe you money. If this is you, you know, you have lost money and here it is.
I just declare right now that whatever belongs to your sons and daughters is returned from the
north, south, east, and west angels on assignment, bringing it back to them, whether it's land,
deeds, titles, money, inheritance, opportunities, gifts, callings, mantles,
people that have been lost. Someone has a lost loved one. You haven't heard from in a long time.
You have no idea where they are. They've been lost for a long time. You've wondered if you're
ever going to hear from them again, father, we thank you that the loss will be found in Jesus
name. Amen. Lost pet. Someone lost a cat. Lord, we thank you for closure in these situations.
We thank you, Lord, that you restore you restore in Jesus name. Amen. Right. We'll see you guys
soon. Get on the app. If you're not there, if you're a level two, you're not quite there yet,
but you're almost there and we'll see you there soon. Bye.