Okay, so my name is Renee, welcome to our weekly check-in for Phase 2 Love Story Accelerator.
How many of you ladies are here for the first time?
Is anybody here?
So this is interactive, so hopefully I'll get to see your faces at some point.
Most of you will show up.
I hate just speaking to names, it's no fun at all.
There will be a chance in the back half, we do go into a breakout for about 12-15 minutes
and there will be a time for you guys to ask me all the questions and then sometimes you
will put questions in the chat.
I don't use my right eye, so it takes me a little work to come over here.
Well, Regina, that's a bummer.
Where are you, Regina?
Let me try to find you.
Okay, there you are.
Well, if you're on your phone, you might have to open up your video because it's set, I
think, for your video to not be turned on and you to be muted and you have to unclick
all the things to make sure that you're there.
Okay, so we've got at least one person that's here for the first time, so I go over the
housekeeping rules every single week.
I know it might bore some of you, but it's just a good reminder of the MO.
We try to take about 75 minutes to about 90 minutes for this whole session.
If you cannot stay on the whole time, feel free to watch the rest of it in replay.
I just want to make sure everyone gets a chance to ask questions.
So welcome to all the newbies.
So remember, here's the goal of phase two.
Phase one, you had like a whole book to read.
You had worksheets, 14 videos, lots of stuff to do.
It's a little bit easier in phase two because we want you to get out there in the real world.
So there's five main videos, Love Story Accelerator, Dating 101, Divine Feminine, Online Dating,
Boundaries.
And the Love Story Accelerator really just kicks it off and she gives you dating goals,
getting out there, coming out of hiding, movement goals, water goals, food goals.
Now you will hear in that Love Story Accelerator, it's seven date challenge.
Do not freak out.
Some of you are like, man, I haven't had seven dates in the last seven years and you want
me to do it in the next four weeks.
That seems impossible.
It might be, but it's just kind of a goal.
You are allowed to leave phase two, even if you have not completed the seven date challenge.
You get to leave phase two when you've been here about a month and you've come to four
weekly check-ins or you've watched them in replay and you've watched all five videos.
So the intention is that you're in phase one for five weeks.
Some of you took longer, that's okay.
And that you're in phase two for about four weeks.
Some of you will take longer, that's also okay.
But if you notice on the post today, there were about 40 people that have been here five
months or longer.
Some people were still in phase three and they were toggling or they finished their
videos, but they just liked the vibe here and it felt really safe.
And I'm kind of like birdie fly kicking you out.
But if you're not done with the videos, no rush, no shame in that game.
If you're like life is distressful and I'm not getting into everything, then that's great.
I just don't want you to stall on what God kind of has for you.
I usually like to tell people the dating 101 video teaches you how to date safely and date
without putting all your eggs in one basket.
It's a great setting the tempo in dating.
The divine feminine sounds really hippy dippy woo woo.
It's not, I promise.
Jackie talks about God's original design back in the garden between man and women and what
kind of happened after the fall and just the pendulum swing that we've taken.
And we're now kind of at a point where nobody even wants to claim that you're an actual
female or a male anymore.
And so we've really lost our identity and she kind of talks about what the seven characteristics
of a divine feminine woman is and seven characteristics of a divine masculine man when you have a
healed heart versus when you have an unhealed heart.
The online dating video that I do is super fun, easy.
If you are scared to pieces of online dating and or you have the worst attitude about it,
do not start online dating until you get to that video because I will teach you how to
have fun with it.
Keep it super simple and just practicing your dating game.
There's some really good tidbits of information on there.
Even if you never want to do online dating again, which you don't have to, it really
teaches you how to meet strangers.
So it's worth watching even if you never want to do online dating.
And then of course the last video is boundaries.
Not going to tell you about it because we're actually going to talk about it.
So every single week in a month.
and we take time at the front end
to unpack a little bit about one of the videos.
So tonight we're gonna unpack boundaries.
Some of you are like, well, crap,
I haven't even gotten to the boundaries video.
It's okay, it's all good.
When you get to that video that actually,
the online dating and the boundaries,
because I created them,
actually have PowerPoints to go with it.
So you don't even need to take notes tonight
if you don't want to.
When you get to those in the chapter,
you will be able to print out a PDF
of the PowerPoint slides that actually go with it.
And so it's super, super easy.
So we usually tackle one of the chapters,
I mean, one of the videos.
Then we kind of talk about a few highlighted things
that have come up just by watching your posts
and your roll call.
We start to see some of the same themes that come up.
Then I'm gonna send you to a breakout room with about,
I'm gonna probably put four of you in a room,
hoping that at least two of you are there
because a lot of times people are in the car,
they're at work and they can't come off of it to do it.
So I don't want anybody alone in a room.
So I'll probably put four in a room,
hoping at least two of you show up in that room.
We'll come back together
and that's when I answer all your dating questions.
Just like in phase one, the more you put into it,
the more you show up, the more you get out of it.
We want you telling us what's going on
in the weekly roll call.
Tell us anything that's going on in your week.
It doesn't even have to be about dating.
The other thing is if you start dating somebody,
do not flake out and leave us
because you wanna date in community
with the coaches guiding you.
So a lot of times people are like,
oh, I found my guide, I don't have time to come to anything.
That's awesome.
We wanna make sure that you're dating safe and healthy
and doing all of the things.
And then Katrina, I will answer your question
in just a minute.
And also remember, try to keep your posts
just uplifting and positive.
Make sure that you guys,
nobody wants to get like slammed in their posts.
Like, you know, like,
and we're not supposed to tell people what to do.
So you can encourage,
you can give your thoughts and opinions,
but you're not supposed to teach, exhort,
or tell people what to do.
And you're not supposed to counsel them.
And so you just wanna make sure that you're positive
and encouraging to your sisters,
lifting all the boats as we like to say.
We do not accept posts that link to other books,
authors, influencers.
We know there's great stuff out there,
but we don't have time to vet everything in the library.
So we really just wanna focus on the material
that you're learning here.
At the most, sometimes we will let folks post
a YouTube of a song, but that's pretty much it.
And then just watch the length of your posts.
Don't make them like this long.
It's hard to keep up with.
Cause Carla and I actually read your post,
come up with an answer
cause we wanna be the first one to respond.
And so if it's a really long post,
it'll slow down us kind of getting to it.
So we don't wanna do it too long.
When you are done, because we are moving everybody,
normally this system, the technology would have you
go from phase one to phase two to phase three.
Because we are migrating, once people finish phase two,
we are migrating everybody off of Facebook
and onto the app.
The system is kind of not set automatically to do that
because sometimes you guys will start the boundary video,
which would normally be the trigger for it,
but you're not ready to leave.
And so basically you have to let us know
when you're done with phase two.
So you have to email us at admin at JackieDorman.com.
When you are done, the first thing we're gonna do
is we're gonna make sure you were in here
at least four weeks, and we're gonna make sure
that in the portal, you watched all five videos.
So if you try to get to phase three with us
after only two weeks, you didn't watch everything,
or you inhaled it all in one week,
we're not gonna let you go there.
Because we really want you to enjoy what you get here
as you're just getting back out to your dating.
Yes, when you go to phase three,
you still have Jackie and love seats and other events,
and some of them are co-ed,
but you're in a bucket of hundreds and hundreds of people.
And so you'd get a little bit less personal attention.
Yes, you can fill out the Ask Jackie form
for her to do that, but we really want you
to kind of enjoy this small group feel
for about a month before you go into the larger population,
and then you're gonna have a blast over there.
So some of you don't like to go to phase three
because you're like, oh my gosh,
I love this small little community so much.
I know, but it's really fun over there too,
and I'm over there too.
So it's not like you're not gonna ever see me again,
and you're not gonna see each other,
and we want you to meet some dudes.
And so we want you to-
You're kicking me out.
I'm not kicking you out, Mamrie, it's all good.
Hey, here's the thing.
I don't mind if you guys are here two months, three months,
but I looked up, y'all,
some people were in here seven months.
Okay, stop, like moving along.
So we love you, we want you to move on.
That's all I'm gonna say about that.
Okay, so the topic tonight.
is boundaries.
And I'm just gonna fly through some highlights
because you guys, we always need to be working on boundaries.
I've been teaching on boundaries.
I read Townsend and Cloud Boundaries book back in the 90s,
like 1990, like where there was a one nine
in front of the year.
That's how long we all been talking about boundaries.
And I still learn something new every time I talk about it,
or I get this reminder like, okay, Renee,
you're not really practicing what you're preaching there.
So get back in the program.
So boundaries are really good.
Remember boundaries are not walls that have no windows.
Boundaries are fences with gates, right?
So I try to think of them as fences with gates,
meaning you let people in, you keep people out,
but there's kind of like this policy.
And so we wanna make sure that boundaries
are not just your excuse to shut people out.
You cannot shut out every single person in your life
that's unhealthy.
You have to learn how to have boundaries with them.
Sometimes people are this close in your life.
Some people are a little bit further out
and then a little bit further out
and then a little bit further out.
That's what boundaries in real life is really more about.
And you guys might decide, even with your own family,
your friends, your coworkers, your church,
some people are gonna be in your inner circle
and some people are gonna be further out.
Obviously the closer you let them in,
the more they get to hear all your internal thoughts
and feelings, the further out, the less they know of stuff,
the less explanation you owe them.
I mean, one of my favorite sentences
that I learned how to use in boundaries was no.
Did you guys know that no is a complete answer?
It really is.
And I'll tell you what,
I'm gonna give you some of my favorite phrases
that I've learned along the way.
Okay, so boundaries also define us and protect us.
Here's what's fascinating, you guys.
I used to do mission trips to Haiti
before it became very unsafe in Haiti.
And I was giving the boundary talk
to the young adult women and men.
And there is not, like their language is like Creole,
it's like kind of French-ish.
They have no translation for the word boundaries, none.
And irony, they don't have guardrails on the roads,
they don't have fences in their yard.
So they don't even have a visual of a boundary.
And ironically, they share the same room
and inappropriate behavior can happen with young women
by the time they're age of 12 years old.
And so it was really hard to teach about boundaries
when I couldn't even find a landmark
to show them any kind of boundary.
But boundaries are there to protect in and keep you safe
and keep out the bad stuff.
You already know that.
All right, I'm gonna talk a little bit
about boundary development,
because the thing is we all want good boundaries,
but we all struggle with boundaries.
A lot of us struggle with boundaries.
When we are very, very little children,
we are supposed to have happy, healthy, normal bonding
with mom, dad, and that nuclear family.
But a lot of times we grew up
and we have had trauma or drama that has happened to us
and or unhealthy parents.
And so we either got too much or too little.
And so it has impacted the way we kind of do boundaries
as an adult.
And so I like to kind of say
that we have our basic building blocks.
We all need physical safety.
We need to feel financially stable.
We need to feel emotional support.
And so if bad things happen to us,
like there are building blocks
to what makes us feel bonded and safe.
If bad things happen to us,
it's like a crack is in your foundation.
If you missed something,
like you just didn't receive it all, it's like a hole.
So if you can imagine your physical stability,
your emotional stability, financial stability,
intellectual stability that you should have had as a child,
if bad things happen to you,
picture cracks kind of going in those bricks.
If you missed out on,
if you didn't have a parent that was available,
if there wasn't food on that table, there's a hole.
So you can imagine how unstable your foundation is
because the holes and cracks in it.
Like some of you guys may know
that I was born with a birth defect in my eye.
It's why my right eye is always squintier than my left.
And I was in the hospital from the age of two to 18,
almost every single year.
It wasn't anyone's fault that it happened to me,
but those kinds of surgeries back then were very invasive.
They were very scary and came with a lot of trauma.
And I got really sick from the anesthesia.
I would wake up from surgery, bandage, shut,
strapped down so I wouldn't touch my face.
So just like a lot.
trauma that goes with that and a lot of fear that kind of that just was just a
part of my childhood my parents didn't do it to me it's just something that
kind of happened that I had to face so what happens is when we have cracks and
holes in our foundation we tighten up our boundaries or we let them go
haywire as a way to kind of survive and cope they helped us get through the
trauma of our childhood but they actually impair the way that we do
relationships today sometimes we have had an over-controlling parent so it's
possible that the parent had so much fear in their life usually when someone's
controlling and someone's anxious the root feeling is fear and so how you
overcome fear without faith is you get very controlling and so if you grew up
with a fearful parent chances are you grew up with a very controlling parent
and sometimes when you become a parent you go in the complete opposite
direction you're like I'm gonna be friends with my kid and have no
boundaries and you might go over onto the other side so then that's the other
side is that you have a parent with no limits so again back to that vision of
Haiti where there's no boundary there's no fence and so having no boundary like
you guys I have a little dog and if I just let my little dog go outside like
there's a big ravine she could fall off the cliff there's like coyotes sometimes
like it a raven a big hawk could grab her like it would not be safe to let my
little dog outside the boundary of my safe home so we don't want walls up but
we don't want no boundaries up either even more dangerous than a parent who is
over controlling or free willy is like a parent of an addict and usually an
apparent of an addict is those boundaries are changing every day and
you never know which person is going to show up because at least if you know
your parents have no boundaries it's consistent or if you know that you have
helicopter parents you know but when a child has to grow up in an environment
where it's constantly changing they are on high alert at all times and and I
will say this if you say that you're an empathetic person I'm highly empathetic
I can read the room you guys like I can feel the energy I know who's safe in a
room I know who's unsafe in a room and it's a beautiful gift and it's a
blessing because we can read people we can empathize with them but sometimes
empathy really kind of comes from our trauma of our childhood because we know
that to keep ourselves safe we have to assess the room really fast we have to
know very quickly who's safe in the room who's not safe in the room and where is
the exit right so somebody who is highly empathetic has that spidey sense
they can kind of see it so it's a gift and it's beautiful a lot of times it
came from a trauma place as your survival technique okay so now I want to
talk to you a little bit about what I call the drama triangle a lot of you how
many of you can raise your avatar hand you're like oh my gosh my ex used to be
a narcissist I know we kind of always say that my next was a narcissist or I'm
a codependent and I get attracted to victims so if you've ever said I attract
narcissists or victims and I'm the codependent right that's a lot of us it
means that we have fallen our trap into the triangle and it's called the
Karpman triangle K-A-R-P Karpman triangle you don't need to know who invented it
but it's called the Karpman triangle and in the Karpman triangle there are three
points of that triangle there's the victim there's the codependent and then
there's the controller sometimes called the aggressor sometimes called the
narcissist here's the thing you guys all three of those are unhealthy because
they keep you in this drama of rotation sometimes you one person you can be all
three so sometimes you can start out as the codependent the rescuer the hero the
people pleaser you're like oh my gosh I'm the people pleaser like we wear it
like a badge of honor like we think we're the better of the three but the
truth is the codependent people pleaser perfectionist rescuer hero a lot of
times we are doing that we are controlling the outside people to make
ourselves feel better on the inside if I can push back on the narcissist or I can
help rehabilitate them how many of us have wanted to rehabilitate the
narcissist like we can do it we can bring him Jesus and we can be we can
kind them their way into you know out of their narcissism like we want to be the
hero of that story or we take
care of the victim and we're constantly doing something for them, or like we're the first
one to help at the potluck, you know, kind of like we're the Martha in a Mary and Martha
world, right?
Like we're the Martha, man.
We make things happen.
Like someone's got to feed Jesus.
Like it was really nice that Mary got to just sit at his feet, but someone had to put food
on the table.
So Martha girl got it done.
And so that person gets a lot of praise, but you guys, a lot of our value is external.
We are dependent on what those other people think of us.
And so even though that seems like the more grand version of that drama triangle, we really
have no boundaries because we're letting other people not only dictate what we should do,
but we let other people dictate how we should feel.
So that is somebody who is codependent, people-pleasing, rescuer.
We probably tend to have very weak boundaries or no boundaries at all.
Then there's of course the victim, you guys, and sometimes we can be the victim.
Like if I know I'm a codependent, people-pleaser, if I get sucked in too much, I will shove
back.
And so I can even act like the controller, aggressor, narcissist at times because we're
so exhausted from serving, serving, serving that we finally can't take it anymore.
And then we shove and we actually appear for a moment like the narcissist or the controller,
but then we immediately feel like crap.
And then we're like, oh my gosh, I'm so worthless, like no one's going to like me.
I'm a terrible girlfriend, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And then we kind of go into the victim seat, but we don't like that seat for very long.
So then we start to do all these amazing things so people can tell us how fabulous we are
again and then we're back to our Cody.
So that's kind of like the cycle of the triangle.
We see why that there's a real draw as the codependent.
The victim though, they actually have to have no responsibility.
So believe it or not, there's a gift and a value of being the victim.
No one's ever going to give you a hard responsibility.
You're never completely to blame and you really are putting the focus on other people.
So there are some real gains to being the victim too.
The bummer is no one's ever going to give you a lot of responsibility.
People don't necessarily take you seriously.
And believe it or not, when you are the victim, you start to blame other people.
You guys, I had my last relationship, he claimed he was the codependent.
That dude vacillated between victim and narcissist like no one's business.
He thought he was the codependent, but he was really either the victim in every story.
He was like the one where every woman, every, his children, all of them, he was wronged.
He was hurt.
You know, all the bad things happened to him.
And here's the problem when you blame everybody else and you take no responsibility for yourself
in that victim seat, empathy and blaming cannot be in the same space and you can't have vulnerability.
You can't have true vulnerability because guess what?
True vulnerability would mean I would have to own my side of the street.
So if I'm constantly the victim, it's everyone else's fault.
So you guys are already kind of hearing, oh my gosh, she's just described my husband or
my ex-husband.
She just described my mother, right?
Like you probably are already hearing the people that you've attracted.
And so chances are, if you're still attracting the narcissist or you're still attracting
the victim, then you're still operating like the rescuer and the codependent.
And so we really want to make sure you take that hat off and stop rescuing people.
And so how do you do that?
And I'm especially going to kind of hone in on that because if I had to say that most
of us women fall into any trap, it's that idea that we have to rescue and take care
of people because our gift that you've learned from the Divine Feminine video is that we're
nurturers.
A nurturer with a healed heart is a good thing.
Nurturer with a broken, unhealed heart turns into caretaker, codependent.
So you see how this great gift that we were given goes awry real fast.
So how you can help yourself not be such a codependent or not worry too much about what
other people think is that you have to realize that you are responsible to other people,
not for other people.
Like as a parent or a teacher or a boss, I'm responsible to people.
Like I work for Jackie.
I'm responsible to her, but I'm not responsible for her.
If she makes a mistake or she hurts someone's feelings, I cannot be responsible for the
choices and things that she says.
I'm just responsible.
Does that, do you see the difference?
And so let me give you some words
and see if it kind of rings a bell.
When you feel responsible for somebody,
you want to fix, protect, rescue.
You tend to carry other people's feelings.
You are usually tired, anxious, and fearful.
You are concerned with solutions and answers,
being right and performing.
And sometimes you will manipulate other people
or situations so you can feel better or safe.
When you feel responsible to others,
this is much more empathetic.
You show empathy, you encourage, you confront.
We're gonna talk about confrontation in a second.
You share, you listen to hear and not just respond.
You feel more relaxed, free, aware, reliable.
You are relating to somebody person to person
and you're gonna feel your own feels
and you let them be responsible for their own behaviors,
even if it hurts other people.
It's not your job to fix people.
And so when you start this dating scenario, you guys,
you're gonna meet some ding-dongs
and some sweet guys along the way.
And you're gonna think it's your job
to teach them the hard work.
It's your job to teach them dating 101.
It is not your job.
It is not your job to school them.
It is not your job to reprimand him.
You can guide him.
You can share the things that you've learned,
but it's not your job to teach him.
No, it's just not your job.
So I wanna make sure in that environment,
in that triangle, you get off.
And the only way that you get out of that triangle loop
is to stop rescuing and taking care of other people.
It's time to put the oxygen mask on yourself.
Okay, principles of healthy confrontation.
Y'all, I live like I'm in Connecticut right now.
Worked right outside New York City.
I know Italians, New Yorkers,
we're known for being very direct kind of people.
Although when I lived here, no one ever said I was direct
because I'm kind of a pushover.
I'm super friendly.
But in the South, oh, Renee, she's really direct
because in the South, nobody does confrontation face-to-face.
Do you know what the word confrontation means?
It means with front, coming with your full face forward.
Now in the South, you'll get things like,
oh my gosh, you're so amazing.
And then you'll get bless her heart.
Well, bless her heart usually hardly means a compliment.
It's usually like, you dumb ass, or oh,
but it's usually in sarcasm.
And so there's a lot of like behind people's back
kind of stuff going on.
And so that's not a healthy way of avoiding confrontation.
A lot of times people think avoid,
they wanna avoid confrontation
because they wanna avoid yelling and screaming.
Confrontation should not include yelling and screaming.
Confrontation is showing up to somebody face-to-face.
And if you wanna know what Jesus has to say about it,
read Matthew 18, the whole chapter.
A lot of times churches get really hung up with,
go to a brother if he sinned against you.
If that doesn't work, take somebody with you.
Three sections before that,
he talks about coming to God with humility like a child.
He talks about going after the lost sheep.
So he talks about mercy, childlike faith,
and then he brackets it at the end to talk about forgiveness.
So whenever we're gonna confront somebody,
confrontation shouldn't be to take them down.
Confrontation should always be done in humility.
Confrontation should always be done
with the goal of restoring the relationship.
And confrontation should always be done
with a heart ready to forgive.
And so that's why if we take confrontation out of context,
so Matthew 18, read it, chapter, I mean, 18 verse one,
all the way to the end and kind of know
that he bookends confrontation with humility,
with mercy, with tenderness, and with forgiveness.
And that's the way that we do that.
So here's how I try to tell people to do it.
When you are trying to confront somebody,
you don't wanna raise your voice.
You don't wanna invade their space
and you don't wanna be big.
So a lot of times when we confront, we get big,
we get loud and we lean in.
So you wanna lean back, you wanna lower your voice,
you wanna slow down your voice.
So I come up with a little phrase
I stole from Marilyn Murray, it's called SLS.
You come in slower, lower, and softer.
So when you have to come into somebody,
you wanna take more pause, you wanna breathe.
Cause usually when you're upset, you're nervous,
and you're gonna start to speed up.
And when you start to speed up,
you start to get angry.
louder, and you start to lean in.
But do you notice how just by me slowing down
and putting some pause in,
I'm starting to deescalate the energy in the room.
So do you see how that just really starts to shrink it down?
So that's my tip to you.
Come in slower, lower, and softer.
You want to speak in a manner that invites them in
because they want to feel safe.
You want to feel safe.
When you're confronting,
you're either gonna fight, fright, fleas, or fawn, right?
So you're gonna do one of those.
So you want to soften it.
You want to come in softer.
You have to be willing to lean into negative emotions.
You have to be willing to have tough conversations.
You have to be willing to agree to disagree.
And you have to learn how to really listen,
and you want to be courageous to get curious.
That's kind of like the phrase that we like to talk about.
Okay, so I'm trying to come up with you
all the reason why your boundaries get busted.
We all want healthy boundaries.
So I talked about why your childhood
may have messed up your boundaries.
I talked about the drama triangle
that may mess up your boundaries.
And I just talked about how to have healthy confrontation
because a lot of times people will avoid confrontation
and that will mess up with their boundaries.
There are two other things that can get in the way
of you guys having healthy boundaries.
So I call it keeping your pies and habits in order.
Those are an acronym.
So the pie is P-I-E-S.
So if I notice that my boundaries are messed up,
I look at my pies.
The first one, the P means physical.
Am I taking care of my food?
Am I getting exercise?
And am I taking care of my health?
If I'm sleep deprived, if I have not had good nutrition,
if my health is in disarray,
if my physical body is not in order,
chances are my boundaries are gonna go out the window.
I is intellectual.
Am I teachable?
Do I have a learner spirit?
If you ever find you're like, that's it.
I'm done learning.
I'm done growing.
That's it.
I am the way they am and I'm not gonna change, right?
Like we all wanna do that.
If that's kind of your attitude,
chances are you might be putting up a wall
in those boundaries.
E stands for emotional.
How are you handling stress right now
with your workload like, your time,
your capacity, your emotions?
And so how are you emotionally doing?
If you are emotionally depleted,
you have a hard time balancing your boundaries.
And then of course, spiritual.
Are you taking time with God?
Are you worshiping?
Are you in his word?
Do you have discipleship?
Do you have community?
Are you volunteering?
Are you serving the Lord?
So the first thing I wanna go is when my boundaries are off,
I have to check my pies.
How's my physical, intellectual,
emotional or spiritual doing?
Okay.
Then the second thing I like to look at is my habits.
Those are also an acronym.
Am I hungry?
H is hungry.
A is angry.
Am I angry?
B is bored.
Nothing kills.
I mean, if God is not,
I mean, if the enemy is not gonna distract you,
he's gonna make you super bored.
We do bad things when we're bored.
I means isolated.
T is tired.
And S is stressed.
So if you are hungry, angry, bored,
isolated, tired, or stressed,
chances are you're gonna struggle with your boundaries.
So a lot of times you're like,
why did you just spend all this time saying this?
Because as you start to be in relationship
with men that you're dating,
especially when all the things are going on,
or your coworkers, or your family at the holidays,
or people at church,
if you are hungry, angry, bored, isolated, tired, stressed,
if you're not taking care of yourself physically,
intellectually, emotionally, or spiritually,
you will struggle in your boundaries
and you're gonna be wondering
why you're shoving people away
or letting them walk all over you.
Now let's talk a little bit
and then I'm gonna wrap it up
and I'm gonna actually send you out to your groups
for just a minute.
But hold on.
Okay, level two and level three dating.
Now, if you haven't watched Dating 101 yet,
you may not know what I mean.
But when you first start dating, guys,
we want you to do level two dating.
So what do boundaries look like at level two dating?
Physical boundaries, we would prefer
if you're dating a bunch of different guys
that are your discovery dating
and just getting to know them.
Our goal is for you to not be making out
with all six guys that you're talking to.
That'd be kind of weird.
We don't want you doing that.
So those are the kind of like the physical boundaries.
Obviously by exclusivity,
you're gonna be
Maybe hugging, hand-holding, kissing.
I will tell you what, Jackie and I did a sex talk,
January, maybe?
And, you know, I used to run a pregnancy center.
I have no filter, Jackie has no filter.
So we talked about everything sexual.
And she was basically like,
if you're like doing something and having an orgasm,
you're kind of having sex already.
And so you have to think about
what your physical boundaries are gonna be with men.
As I say to the young people all the time,
do not wait until you're naked on top of each other
to decide what your physical boundaries are.
Know what they are ahead of time
and do not assume that your willpower will win
every single time and plan for that.
We also want you guys to have emotional boundaries.
We don't want you to drop your trauma and drama
in your childhood, in your ex situation,
with everybody that you go out on a first
and second date with.
Share top level answers of that.
The best answer you can say is that's a great question.
As we continue to get to know each other,
I'll be happy to tell you more.
You do not owe deep explanations about your exes,
why you're still single, why you got divorced,
what kind of dad issues you have.
If you're at level two discovery dating,
guys should not know any of that stuff.
They should not know what your triggers are.
No.
So, and then of course, spiritual.
Jackie's really cautious about people going to church
too quickly, Bible studies too quickly,
and praying together too quickly
because it does create a level of intimacy.
Again, you shouldn't be discovery dating
and getting that spiritual intimacy with men.
So it's super important you pay attention
to your emotional, physical, and spiritual boundaries
at level two, casual dating,
dating more than one person at the same time
versus level three when you're exclusive.
And that's the skinny on that.
So now I'm going to make sure I put,
so here are your two questions
that you're gonna answer in the breakout.
Two breakout questions.
Your pies and habits.
Hopefully you guys took enough notes
that you know what that is.
Where do you find you lose it first?
You lose it first.
Some people say the first thing that goes is my eating.
There are the first thing that goes is my exercise
or the first thing that goes is my worship.
Or the thing that triggers me the most
is when I'm hangry or I'm bored.
And so that's gonna be your first question.
Where do you find that you lose it first?
And then you're gonna answer
where do you struggle with boundaries the most?
Where do you struggle the most?
And it's either gonna be dating, family,
work, church, friends, other.
So those are the two questions.
I'm gonna go ahead.
Let's see, we have 33.
I'm gonna do 10 rooms.
Shh.
And I will make sure that everybody has somebody
in the room.
So it might take about 30 seconds.
So it is 39 after the hour.
I'm running late
because I knew boundaries would be a longer chat,
but it's such a valuable one
that I know it always takes longer.
I'm gonna give you about 13 minutes.
All right, it's 40.
I'm gonna give you till like 10 minutes before the hour.
All the rooms are open.
Go on off and I'll see how many actually show up
in every room to see how long y'all really need to take.
Those are your two questions.
Pies habits, where do you lose it first?
And then what area of your life do you struggle with
on the boundaries the most?
Well, Renee, I just wanna say you look really cute today.
Oh my God.
You know, it's so funny.
You are way too kind.
Cause I just went to the bathroom and I was like,
oh my gosh, Renee, you look like.
Cause I got stuck in the rain and like my hair,
I had straightened my hair,
but like you can't,
the reason why it's in a ponytail,
cause it's like just a big old frizz ball right now
with humidity and rain that one,
but bless your heart.
Me and Chuck is in the mail.
I really appreciate that.
I can't wait to hear from you guys.
So my only other updates I'm gonna give you guys
is as I read the posts,
I just really wanna encourage you guys
to hold your hands loosely.
If you were on prayer on Monday morning,
you know, I talked about that
because Jackie talked about,
if you saw her on her Instagram
and then Supernatural Saturday,
she talked about which.
How are you?
Are you, do you need to let go or do you need to hold on to something?
And I said, I actually think there is a both and sometimes that God just wants you to hold
on loosely, hold with your hands loosely.
And I feel like, you know, I, I've had a really good time here in this community and I've
dated more than I've ever dated.
I feel like I dated more in the last three years than I did in the last 30 years, swear
to God.
And I've dated some really great people.
I've dated some real ding dongs, I should have written a book, I should have really
kept better track of all these funny stories.
And I dated two, if not three guys, pretty seriously.
I ended all of them.
You might tell me I'm too picky.
Jackie sometimes tells me, she's like, well, Renee, I will tell you, you know, you could
have married some of those guys and you might've been better off than a lot of marriages.
And I'm like, I know, but I waited this long unless God's going to be like, hell yeah.
Unless God gives me a heck yes, because he's done that in every other area of my life.
Like I'm not going to at this age, not get a hell yes out of God, like on who I'm supposed
to marry.
Cause y'all, I don't have this false impression about marriage.
I know it's hard work.
I've seen enough divorce around me and I've seen enough happy marriages around me, but
I don't regret my season at all.
And right now, like after I broke up with Rick in May, I really wanted to take the summer
off of online dating, really kind of get finished up with my health goals and just get a couple
other things going at school.
And then, you know, I'm going to see in the fall, like how I want to do dating in the
fall and what do I have space and capacity for.
And I just say that to you because some of you guys are looking at this dating challenge
and you're getting back out there.
I just don't want you to be in such a rush to get to the end of the line that you miss
the joy of every day.
So every day, find a new thing to laugh about, about this whole dating season.
Find a new joy.
Find the thing that you care about.
Make sure you don't let the rest of your life go to the wayside.
Since I've been in this program, you guys, I have published a book.
I have left a career after 20 years to start my consulting business and I started seminary
school.
And so I'm really proud of the big things that I have accomplished and it's only because
of the confidence I got in this program that I was able to go do the things.
And I firmly believe that my guy is in all of the things that I'm doing.
Does that make sense?
So I don't want you to think you're supposed to obsess on this site, obsessed with the
program, obsessed with the dating sites and put everything else to the side.
Oh, and by the way, and I lost 30 pounds and gotten the, I'm in now the best shape of my
life.
So I'm using this time well.
And so you want to make sure your house is in order, your home is in order, your life
is in order so that when you meet your guy, you're not like, dang it, now I got to lose
20 pounds to fit in that wedding dress or my gosh, I got to clean out my car.
I can't let him to come in my car, come into my house, like do that crap now.
So just make sure you enjoy your life now and live it to the fullest.
Okay.
That's all I'm going to say.
The time is now yours.
You raise your avatar hand.
If there's anything about the boundaries I just taught you about, you're like, I don't
know what the heck you just said.
Can you explain that again?
If there's anything about any of the other videos you saw, any other dating advice, the
floor is yours.
There's no bad or stupid question.
Raise your avatar hand and you get the floor.
Be the brave first person to go in the hot seat.
And this is your time.
I can go.
Okay.
No one can see me.
Sorry about that.
We can hear you.
You're all good.
Yeah.
So for me, what I noticed is that at first it's come from some kind of an anxious thought
or worrying about something that leads to me not getting enough sleep.
And that leads me to not being super tired and being irritable and that affects my emotions.
So that's the kind of pattern that I notice.
And yeah, I guess, is that the only, is that the question that you asked?
Well, it's whatever.
It's your time.
You get to either say a highlight, ask me a question, ask me a dating question.
It's whatever you want.
But I love that because y'all so many times, like we're like, oh my gosh, why did I say
that thing wrong?
Do that thing wrong?
Sometimes we just stink and need sleep.
Like Jesus rested all of the time.
He was fully God.
He was also fully man, but he was fully God.
And if that man needed to rest, then we needed to rest.
If God rested on the seventh day, we need to rest.
And so we forget how much repair happens when we're sleeping and resting our bodies.
So I'm glad you brought that up because it's so important.
Okay.
If you think of another dating question, we can come back around to you.
Janet, you are up.
Hey. Okay. Can you hear me? I can. Okay, good. Okay, so I had written earlier, maybe last week, I have
a booth that I sell things in and an older lady had come up to me and asked me if I was single
and, you know, I said yes and she said, well, you know, I want to fix you up with my son.
And so, I didn't really know what to say, but anyway, she got my number, okay, and I didn't
hear from him or I didn't know if I heard from him because I don't answer phone calls from a
number that I don't know. So, I saw her today. So, I went today. I saw her today. I was talking
to somebody else and she came over and she said, did you hear from him? And I said, no, I didn't.
And she said, well, he's kind of shy and she says, let me give you his number and this is his
name and you can look him up on Facebook. All right. So, I did look him up on Facebook and it's
not bad looking at all and so, anyway, he's, you know, he's got his grandkids there, you know,
his son, blah, blah, blah. So, my question is, do I reach out to him? So, you've not reached out to
him yet? No. Okay. So, this would be a drop the hanky moment. We're not supposed to be the
pursuers in a relationship, but we can make it easy for men to ask us out on a date. So, a really
easy thing that you can do, Jen, is be like, hey, I'm just making up a name. Hey, Mark, I got your
name from so-and-so. Your mother. I know that, or your mom. I know this could be awkward and I just
wanted you to know that if you want to do a video chat or just meet for coffee and just get to know
each other, there is like no, you know, I don't have any expectation. It just would be nice to
get to know you. If it makes it easier, let me send a copy of, you know, here's a screenshot
of my picture. Let me just tell you a little bit about me. And you would almost kind of be like,
you know, I'm a single woman. I've got grown kids. I like pickleball. I sure would love to just get
a chance to get to know you. If not, and this seems too awkward, please, no harm feelings.
So, it is okay for you to initiate the dropping of the hanky and then you leave it be. I've had
plenty of friends who are like, oh, do you mind if I give my name to a guy and then I never hear
from him? You guys, so many times men just kind of wimp out on it. So, I will say this too, Janet,
if you do that, if you drop the hanky and you don't hear from him, please know this is not about you.
So, we have to be willing to drop the hanky only if we're willing to not get a response.
Because believe it or not, people feel really uncomfortable to say no thank you. How many of
us want to say no thank you? It's so uncomfortable. Like when a guy asks you out on a date or you go
out on a date with a guy and you're like, yeah, this is a no. But then he asks you out again,
you're like, oh crap, how do I say no and be kind? Because nobody wants to hurt anybody's feeling.
So, I say this in the online dating thing, but in that first contact, the first phone call,
the first text, the first video date, we have to be okay with them dropping us like a hot potato
with no explanation. Because sometimes people don't do awkward well. It doesn't make them a
bad person. It just means they don't like awkward. So, I think it's okay for you to drop the hanky.
I think it'd be easier if you gave him a picture and told him a little bit about you. So, it kind
of breaks the ice a little bit and just say, hey, I'd love to either do a quick video chat or meet
for a glass of wine or just go grab Starbucks and go walk down the street. Like if you make it sound
just to get to know each other. And if we don't hit it off with each other, I know a great community
of women. You could even say that, if we don't hit it off, I know a great community of women
and you can leave it at that. But I kind of say, why not? What the heck? I mean,
if he doesn't pick you, you will not die. You don't even know him and he doesn't even know you.
We think it means something so monumental, but it doesn't. It's like, it doesn't. And you're
adorable, Janet, man. I mean, I think you should do it. Like, I think you should do it.
Moms always know. I mean, we all joke around about this, but like moms know. Like our moms
know us. Like moms know their sons. Moms know their sons. They really do. All right.
Okay. Thank you. Appreciate it.
Stephanie, you're up.
Okay. I just wanted to say that years ago, I heard Danny Silk do this thing about boundaries.
Some people are closer and I had totally forgotten it. My girlfriends are my issue.
She, in fact, way back when we did the confessions,
they were my issue.
And that helped me a ton right now
because it's the whole let it go
and put that boundary out here.
So, okay.
The second thing I wanna-
I love it.
And Stephanie, let me give you something
a little bit further too.
So one of the things I learned,
because a lot of times with boundaries,
especially in the Townsend and Cloud kind of version,
you just think there's one boundary, right?
And then I did trauma training with Marilyn Murray.
And she talks about, she calls it circles of intimacy.
And in the first circle is me and God.
The second circle is spouse and children.
The third circle are close family and friends.
And then the fourth circle might be your ministry,
your other friends, and the fifth circle.
So it's not that people are in or out,
it's how close they are to you.
So like, I learned how to love my dad best
by putting him in circle seven.
Like way far away from where I had my mom,
but I was actually able to love him
and honor him and respect him better out there.
So with some of your friends,
you're gonna have them really close
and other friends, you put them out
and you'll actually get to honor them better further out.
So kind of putting the circles around boundaries
really helped me versus they're either in or out, right?
In or out just felt so abrupt to me.
Yeah, totally.
Love it.
I haven't heard his name in a while.
Danny, yeah, he actually does the whole thing
like you just said, out to number seven.
Okay, I just wanna bring this one thing up.
How do I know when guys are real?
I mean, I'm online, I'm getting a lot of fake guys.
I actually saw, I think I told you this in Facebook.
I saw two different guys on two different apps tell me,
I'm owner of a logging company and I just had to laugh.
It was hilarious.
They're obviously making it up.
The fastest way for me to find out if someone's real
is if I ask for a video date, right?
I will get past, so I will, I can say,
I mean, I've gotten to the point where I can kind of tell
when someone is fake or not fake
or they aren't who they say they are
or at the very least those pictures are 20 years old, right?
So something about it's off.
So I have a blanket list of information
I'm willing to share in a text with a guy online.
I'm willing to say something like,
I come from a big Italian family.
I love to cook.
I've lived in California and Connecticut.
I've worked in healthcare and nonprofit ministry.
I love to travel.
I love live theater and I love college sports.
I don't care if everybody and their mother,
fake or unfake, AI or non AI knows that about me.
I'm willing to share that in a text with anything
and see how they respond.
Anything past that, I say, that's a great question.
I'm really looking to get to know people in real life.
Can we set up a quick video chat?
Just 10, 15 minutes.
Well, why don't we just give each other
our phone numbers first?
Nope, I don't do phone numbers.
I really think it's really easier for both of us
if we can just see each other,
we can see, hear tone and inflection and see body language.
I just wanna get right to it.
If men don't wanna do that,
if they are not safe, healthy, or they're scammers,
they will ghost me or they will,
well, you guys, I've been called a bitch.
I've been called, like, you're just being ridiculous.
You're being negative.
You got issues.
You want drama.
Like, I've been called every negative thing in the book.
I don't care.
Bye-bye.
And so that's how you know right away,
a non-real guy won't get on camera with you.
He might get on the phone with you, though.
That's why I don't go to the Google Voice number
because some guy,
just because I'm talking to him on the phone
and just because he,
and I'm not into the whole send me more photos.
No, there's eight photos on my profile.
If you're not sure what I look like, guess what?
Let's do a video chat.
You could see me.
Because if you send me more photos, like,
but the date, that's just weird to me.
It's just weird to me.
So that's the fastest way, Stephanie,
I always find out is just be willing to do a video date.
And after the video date, if I think he's like a good guy,
I look at the surroundings around him,
I usually then ask for a last name
because you guys, here's the thing.
Like, you don't have to Google much to find out.
Like, if you just put Renee comma Nashville,
I ran a nonprofit.
I've done enough interviews.
You will find my website and you can Google
and find me pretty stinking fast.
So by the time I do a video, I'm willing to give them my,
fine, you want to go look at my last name?
That's great, because I want your last name
because now I'm going to go do a Google search on you.
I'm going to go look for you on your socials.
I'm going to make sure that what you're saying to me.
is matching your social media world, matching your LinkedIn world, and so at least, and I still
haven't given out my phone number yet, so I may or may not give out my phone number until after
our first live date, and that's when I'm kind of like, okay, now I'll give you my first date,
because then I don't mind blocking you after that if you're kind of crazy, but that's how I,
Stephanie, find out someone's real right away. I stop texting as fast as possible, and so that's
always my recommendation. Text only to get to the video chat, and then from the video chat,
you're trying to get a date. Girls, if you are still texting some dude you met for three weeks,
you are texting too long, because you're probably sharing intimate information, or you're having,
hi, hi, how was your day? How was your day? You're either having dumb conversation,
or you're sharing too much, and I don't know about y'all, but I want to date a man that I
can sit next to and talk to in real life. I don't want to date a man that we're going to be doing
this in two different rooms with each other, so don't start. If you start by texting and building
your relationship that way, then you're going to wonder why six months from now he won't talk to
you, because you did this from the get-go, so don't do it. Does that help, Steph?
Okay, great. Annemarie, you're up. Okay, so speaking about that video date thing,
like I've never done that with people. I haven't had people ask that. I tried to ask that with
a potential date last weekend in Reading, and they just kind of blew everything off.
I just now set up a date with someone new for Friday night that's in person, but is the video
date necessary? I guess I just haven't done that in this whole debut thing, dating online thing.
I will say this. If he is local, like I have met guys that are local, I mean within 30 minutes,
and if they are willing to come to me, then I will meet them during the day at a coffee shop
or take a walk down Main Street with them. I'm willing to do that. I have just found that when
I've skipped right to the live date, I have learned things in the first 10 minutes that I'm like,
this shouldn't have never gone to a first date. Do you know what I'm saying?
I find in the first 20 minutes in a video date, I can tell if we both have a little bit of
chemistry, if I could tell his mannerisms, I could tell how clean he is, how articulate he is,
so I don't book like an hour. You guys, I'll book, I'll just say, hey, can we just chat for
20 minutes? Here's why I like doing it. I also think it takes the edge off that first date.
You know when you both show up at a restaurant, but you've not seen each other person,
you're standing in front of the hostess, you're like, hi, I'm Renee. Hi, I'm Tom. It's just
awkward for the first 10 minutes. I find doing a quick 15 minute video takes the edge off. It
makes that first visit a bit more casual, a bit more comfortable. You certainly don't have to
do it. I will tell you this, my butt's not going to get in a car and drive longer than 20 minutes
for a guy I've not seen on a video. I'm personally not going to do it. I've been dating long enough
now after three years, I'm like been there, done that. And so I'm personally, so if you want to get
in the car and drive 45 minutes with somebody you've not had a video chat with, and you're
sure that that's exactly what he looks like, then y'all do it. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like
I'm not going to, I'm not telling you, you have to do it. I personally do it because I want to
make sure he is who he says he is. I want to make sure he looks like the guy in the pictures because
I don't want to show up on a date and he's 30 years older than the photo that I'm looking at,
or 100 pounds heavier, or 20 feet taller, or whatever. Like, I want to make sure I'm not, I
don't want to do that because you guys, I'm not really good at shock and awe. Like, I would make
a horrible poker player, so I don't know how well I'd be able to hide my shock and awe. Like, really?
Really? That's a good idea. I'm going to start trying to, I guess, implement that and see what
happens. And just say, you know, I've just learned, you can be like, hey Mark, you know, I've just
learned, you know, I have just learned for me, it takes the edge off that first visit. Let's just
get on a quick chat for 15 minutes. And so, yes, exactly, Sarah. Thank you. And somebody says,
what if you hate video? I know, I hate it too. That's why you say video chat and you only keep
it to 20 minutes. You're not trying to turn it into a date. Now, if you are long distance,
you need to learn how to turn those things into dates and you can make them super fun.
Yeah. I mean, y'all, like when I see men show photos of like, you can tell, like they show
like their entire lifespan. I really don't care how hot you were when you were 25 in the Marines,
if you're 60. Like, that's awesome, but that does me no good. I just need to know what you
look like. Let's see where I'm at. I feel all the same guy are on these sites. It makes
me panic and I delete my profile. Okay, Katrina, I need you to let go of that. If you've not
watched the online dating video, I need you to watch it. I will say this, you guys, you
have to have the grace for online dating and you have to go in with this attitude that
I'm going to attract different. I'm going to find good guys. If you go into online dating
with, they all suck. They're all the same guys. They're all scammers. I'm going to tell
you to not waste your time and get off tonight. Don't delete your profile. Just put it on
pause. Now here's the thing you guys, I, no one hated online dating more than me and right
now I'm not even doing it. I've taken a pause from it, but you guys, I have, I learned so
much about myself in the last three years. I don't know about y'all, but I don't run
into single men. Like I ran a nonprofit and I'm in church ministry and I love life theater.
You know what that means? It means I'm around married men and gay men. Those are the only
two kind of men I'm around. So if I want to go on a date, I can't trust my friends cause
they've done a crap job of introducing me to men. All I hear from my friends are like,
I don't know anybody good enough for you. Whatever. They all got dumb reasons, but whatever.
And so if I wanted to practice dating and giving different guys a chance, the only shot
I had in doing that was online dating. I can tell you this, you guys, I have probably been
on probably a hundred live dates in the last three years, but I'm sure I've been ghosted
from about 300 guys. I'm sure I've been, I mean, I've had scammers. You know what it
is? God has given me the grace that I ignore the scammers. I ignore the ghosters and I'm
only focusing on the really nice guys that I've had a chance to meet that are good guys.
And so that's the lens that you have to go into online dating. You have to go, yeah,
you're jerks, but you guys, if you're on a site and you're a good person, chances
are there's another good guy. And you guys, I've done Simbas, which is the save your marriage
before it starts pre-marriage class. There was like 30 of us in that group. Five people
met somebody in real life. 25 of the 30 people met somebody online. And I literally heard
every dating site named. I heard Facebook dating, eHarmony, Match, Upward, Holy, Salt,
Hinge, Bumble, all of them. So there are good guys on all of them and there are good
girls on all of them and there's ding dongs on all of them. And so you just have to be
willing. I always say pick two, spend a little bit of time in the morning, a little bit of
time at night and don't obsess over it and continue to move on with your life and have
a good time. So if you can't go in it with that attitude, don't do it because you're
just going to be miserable. And then just make sure, now I will say this, I'm taking
a break from online dating, but I've made sure I look amazing at the airport, at the
gym, at church. Like I forget where I was just with my mom and my sister. They're like,
why are you so dressed up? I'm like, cause I'm single. I never know where he's going
to be or kind of like what just happened to Janet. What if I have this attitude that I
only need to worry about looking good in front of men? I want some chick to say, oh my gosh,
you need to meet my brother. Oh my gosh, you need to meet my uncle. Oh my gosh, you
need to meet my boss. He's amazing. I know him so well. That's what I'm doing. I'm making
sure I look good. I'm making sure like instead of just taking my laptop and studying at home
and working on a paper, I go to the bourbon shop. I go to the coffee shop. Like I get
myself out there and I talk to people. So if you're not going to be online, make sure
you're getting out there. All right. I'm going to get off my soapbox. Monica, you're next.
Thanks Renee. I've just, this is my second week and I have more of a technical question.
I apologize. You were talking about the Facebook comment. So how did, how does that work?
Facebook dating you mean? Um, you want us to post something on the Facebook feed? Yeah.
So are you in the face? Are you in the phase two Facebook page yet? Um, maybe I'm not. I,
okay. So were you in the Facebook page for phase one? I don't know if I was, maybe I wasn't.
Oh my gosh, girl. Okay. So right. And this is going to change when you guys get to the app
for phase three on the app, the education, the replays, the links, and the conversation with
each other are all in the same place. They're just in different tabs. The portal where your content
is, is at the JackieDorman.com website. And that's also, there's one box that has all the
teaching. And then there's another box that has the schedule, the links and the replays,
but that's not your community. The Facebook page for phase one and phase two is on Facebook. And
so it's just a private Facebook page. So, um, go to your search bar and put in, um,
I want to just say it's phase one, but like, I'm sure that's not true. Hold on.
I'm having a brain freeze.
It's called last year single dash phase two.
So look for it in your Facebook page,
last year single dash phase two.
And this will be the last time you're in Facebook.
And I hate that you missed that of all of phase one,
but you're here now and it's so much fun.
And we're gonna be here for a few weeks.
I'm David, we have rolled off all of phase three,
like a thousand people and the guys onto the app.
He's working on something else
and I'm hoping to move you guys.
I will let you know when it happens.
You will get an email from us saying,
hey, you can start migrating over to phase two on the app.
And what's gonna happen is I'm probably gonna keep
this Facebook page open a few weeks
while people are moving onto the app.
So there's gonna be the early adopters
that are gonna run right to the app
and get used to it over there.
And there's gonna be some of you that are like,
I just like Facebook and I'm gonna stay here
until I eventually kick you all out.
And so we're gonna toggle between the app
and the Facebook page,
and you're gonna have community in both places.
But eventually by the end of the summer,
phase one, two, and three,
everybody will be off of Facebook
and we'll be completely on the app.
And I'm super excited
because then once we're all together on the app,
then we have to get all of the men
that are in the challenge on Facebook,
as easy technology-wise getting them into the app.
And then by the time you're in phase three,
you should be able to merge the men and the women
and it'll be easier for you guys to get to each other.
So anyway, did you find it on Facebook?
I just found phase one, not phase two.
Do I have to be invited to phase two?
Well, you know what?
Heck, you shouldn't have to be,
but you know what?
Let me get you the,
I'm gonna put the link right now in the chat.
Where did you get an email?
When I came into phase two, I got an email
and then I clicked on the face group there.
Well, she should have,
but if her system wasn't setting up correctly,
sometimes when people joined,
they forgot to click the button to get emails from us.
So, and if she went through all of phase one
without that email,
she probably didn't get the first email then too,
which is the problem.
So that's why you guys have to check your settings,
but hold on.
I'm gonna, here.
Renee, can you check my message?
I just saw.
Okay, so that's the link right there.
So Monica in the chat, try clicking on that link.
Okay, thank you.
And that should send you there.
I see, I'm so sorry.
So chances are, if you didn't get the first email,
you didn't, she didn't get the second one.
I will say this.
If you go to your profile,
there's actually a tech orientation video, Monica,
in phase one and in phase two
that navigates how to get through the portal.
But if you guys are in the portal at JackieDorman.com
and you open up either phase one or phase two,
if you look up in the right corner,
there's like a gray shaded picture
and it looks like a profile.
If you click on that and you click on settings
and you page all the way down,
all four buttons of communication
should be pushed to the right,
basically letting us send you emails and stuff.
So will we be watching all the Zooms on the app?
Yeah, isn't that exciting?
All the Zoom links are right there.
So let me see if I can show you real quick.
You can, you'll be able to get to the app
from your iPhone, from your Android,
and then there's also a website version of it.
You could go there now,
but you're not gonna be able to see any pages.
So it's like, you can start there now,
but until I send you the invitation, you can't see anything.
Okay, so this is what it looks like.
And you see there's a community tab.
So the community tab is the conversation.
The training tab are where all the training videos are.
Then the replays are all there.
And then events, you can't see it,
but the calendar's there.
But if you click on it,
it's got the Zoom link right attached to it.
So you're never gonna have to be like,
oh my gosh, where are the Zoom links?
You won't need, you don't need to worry about it.
It's all gonna be in one place.
Now I will admit the community section's
a little clunkier than Facebook.
Facebook's been around 20 years, right?
So the community section's not as intricate as this.
So just space and grace and all that.
So let's see, Regina's so confused.
We can join phase two on Facebook.
I was, no, Regina.
Regina, are you, oh, thank you for asking me.
Regina, did you, were you,
okay, so Regina, you were part of the group
that did this standalone heart work
and you guys went right into the app.
So there are some of you, thank you for saying that.
some of you on here that are already in the app
because you started on the app.
So the people that are in Facebook right now,
thank you for saying that, Regina.
If you are here and you came by way of Facebook
and you started phase one in Facebook
and you're doing phase two in Facebook,
you've not been invited into the app yet.
And then we're gonna merge you into the app.
So Monica, maybe that is the situation.
Were you already in the app the whole time?
No.
Okay, I've got no answer then.
So Regina, I believe you started in the app
for phase one or the heart work.
If you started in phase one in the heart work,
you're already in the app
and you're gonna stay in the app.
This is just for people who have not,
this is for people who started in Facebook.
So some people started in Facebook three months ago
or six months ago,
and they're working their way through phase two
and then we're gonna get them into the app.
Some of you joined a month ago or two months ago
and we had already started the app.
And so you started right from the get-go in the app.
So if you were in the app to begin with,
you stay in the app.
If you started in Facebook,
you're gonna stay in Facebook until we invite you over.
And I hope I made that not clear as mud.
Did anybody else confused?
I'm so sorry.
Hopefully that explained it, Regina.
I don't hear you commenting, but anyway,
back to the, Monica, is that helping you?
So Monica, were you not in the app already?
I was in the Facebook phase one,
but I didn't ever post anything.
So I am in phase one, but I don't see a Facebook phase two.
So maybe I'll go back to my email.
Did you, well, no, maybe,
but did you see the link I put in the chat?
Yeah, but I'm having difficulty logging on through my iPad.
So I'm gonna try again.
But if you can't find it,
email us admin at JackieDurhaman.com.
Thank you, really appreciate it.
You bet.
Diane, Board.
Okay, I've gone back and forth
whether I really wanna ask this question.
You get to ask me, ask away, girl.
Okay, so here's my question.
I'm retired, I'm older.
I found that after my last birthday,
I'm kind of more reluctant to share my age.
I actually had a guy at church that was asking me my age.
And I thought, I don't even wanna talk to him about that.
I just felt like I didn't know where he was coming from
and why, and I guess, and I'm-
Diane, how old are you, if you mind me asking?
I'm 70.
You're 70, and so do you feel like saying
the age 70 makes you too old?
Well, I can remember thinking
that I would never date anybody in their 70s
because it just seemed like old.
And I think that there's a perception.
I mean, at least I have a perception.
And of course, now my perception
is that guys in their 80s are old
and a lot of guys in their late 60s and 70s are old
because they're not healthy,
but I'm very healthy and I'm active
and I don't have any medical problems.
So I guess I'm just trying to figure it out.
I'm open to dating younger guys,
but at the same time, I feel like if they find out my age,
they will discount me.
Well, I mean, and I will say, I think it's fair, you guys.
I think all of us have that age where like,
that's just too old.
Like the last couple of guys I've dated,
like I'm 56 and the last couple of guys I've dated are 60.
As I get closer to 60,
I feel like my excuse of not dating men in their 60s
is starting to get smaller and smaller.
I'm like, okay, sister,
you're like closer to 60 than you are 50.
But, and so it's easy for all.
I mean, and I like that you're willing to own,
that you have your own judgment.
So when a guy asks your age,
because by the way, you do look fabulous for your age.
You look fabulous no matter what your age is.
So whatever.
So what you can say to a guy, when somebody asks your age,
what you can say is, well, that's a great question.
Tell me, do you have an age bandwidth
that you're willing to date?
And are you worried I'm outside that dating range?
Because I totally understand for you,
if that's a deal breaker, no matter how healthy somebody is.
And if he says, well, yes, you say, well, then, okay.
So what's your range that you're willing to consider?
And if he says, nobody over the age of 70,
then you can just say, well,
I guess you just missed out on a great chance
to get to know me.
And then you just kind of walk.
away. And so if you might go like, oh my gosh, well, you know, you look amazing. Like how
old are you? Well, I'm 70. Like own it. Like, I mean, do you know what I'm saying? But I
think it's okay to, when somebody says, how old are you? You can say, that's a great question.
Do you have a bandwidth that, you know, what is your dating range or is the age is important
to you as the health of the person? Cause I feel the same way you guys, like, I feel
like I look really young. I don't think people know I'm 56. Like I feel like a pass or 45
if I wanted to, you know, especially I dressed a certain way, but for me it's not so much
their age, it's how healthy they are. And that might be where you're at too. You know?
And so you, that's why you can say, well, is your, is my, is my age more important or
is it how healthy I am more important? And I'd be, I'd love to hear more. I'm curious.
Tell me more. So we never want to try to ask a man a question that starts with why,
why kind of puts people on the defensive? Um, oh, Judith check is in the mail, girlfriend.
Um, so, um, we never want to ask people why, well, why, why are you asking me my age? It
just sounds defensive. So you can just be like, Hey, that's a great question. Is the
age a big deal for you? If so, what's your range you're willing to date? Or is it more
the first season of life and how healthy somebody is? And if they're like, you know,
I'm just not going to date somebody over 70, then you just have to like give them grace
and move on. You might feel the same way. Right? Yep. Yep. I love it. Thank you so much.
Good answer. I'm glad that you asked because that's a very fair question that we all deal
with. And so I think it's a great question. Hopi. Hi. Um, I've been going back and forth
because you have actually responded to most of the questions that I had to ask. However,
I have been in phase two, well completed phase two, but based on the time span, I'm not sure
if I've completed the time span, but I've completed everything in phase two. I know
Jack had sent me the app link, but there was one that said, even though she sent it
to you and you have not completed the time, then you can't go on it. So I've not been
on it. I've actually gone on Facebook and I've had like chats, the hi, hello, how you're
doing that type of thing. And it's like, that's all I'm getting. And, um, I just stopped with
some persons. They stopped saying hi and hello. And, um, it's like, I'm not sure if they stopped,
if I should continue to say hi and hello or anything with them or just ignore it and
move on. But I'm more. So here's, here's how I get past the hi, hello stuff. Um, I usually
just say like, Hey, you know what? I know texting is very clunky and I'm really looking
to meet and date somebody in real life. So if you would like to stop texting and move
to a video chat, I would love to book a 15 minute video chat with you. Like that's literally
what I say. If I never hear from them, like, Oh no, I don't want to do a video chat. I
don't like video. Awesome. Um, that's really my only option because I don't want to keep
texting like, and then I just stop. Then I just stop. And you're like, well, how do you
get them to stop? Stop responding. Stop. And if they ask a bunch of hi, how are you? Like,
let me be clear. This is the last time I'm going to say it. I really don't want, I hate
texting. It's just a way to start the conversation. I'd really, I would rather see you on a video
and see you in person. Oh, I'd rather see you in person too. All right. You want to
skip the video date? Awesome. And then I pick a location that's less than five miles away
from my house. Like I'm going to make them come to me. So that's how you get them past
that or they're just going to swipe away because there are some people that are bored. You
guys and have no intention of actually meeting you in person. We don't want to waste our
time with those people. Because I gave my number and they never called. I'm like, okay.
And that's it because they asked for it. I'm like, okay, fine. Sometimes guys ask for it
because they think it's nicer than saying, I don't want to talk to you. I don't know.
I got no good answer for you, girl. I just don't waste my energy on it. Cause I, it could
be a thousand reasons. Yeah. And, and if you're all done with phase two videos and
it's been longer than a month, then you can head over to the app and join phase three
and have a good time. Okay. Elizabeth. I texted the already, but, um, how in the world do
you like drop a hanky? Well,
Like I feel like I'm not very good at that. Okay. Well, give me a better scenario for you. Okay, drop the hanky
Um, I've been trying to just meet people right now
in person
Like like you're at the Starbucks and you see somebody you like or strike up a conversation you're like how does drop that hanky
Correct or like like there was a oh, I'm sorry, you know keep going
there was um
Like one of my co-workers was like, I think that guy was really interested
I was like, he was asking me so many personal questions. I think she he's like, yes
He was just very interested and I was like, oh well
Okay. So here's here's the easiest way to do it. I happen to have
Let's see if I say this because I'm probably not gonna have one in here I normally have my business card
Um, if I don't have my business card on me, I always try to make sure I have a scrap of paper
and I might say
As I'm about to walk away from somebody
I'm not saying I've always had the guts to do this. But if I have the guts to do it. Hey
You seem really cool. I know we don't know anything about each other or that much about each other
But I'd be totally open to like booking coffee or talking to you on the phone again
Here's my number if you don't think this is totally crazy. Give me a shout if like nothing comes of it. No big
If you're married already dating somebody or not interested, that's okay, too
But I just wanted you to know you seem really intriguing and maybe you just needed the compliment today
Hand in my car turn and walk away
Okay, so if you don't have a card you can just pull out a piece of paper and write it down like I know this
Sounds crazy, but you seem really cool. And I think I wanted I I think I'd love to get to know you a little bit and
What the heck why not and
He might just be and I even like saying that like and maybe and maybe if you're not interested
You just needed to know that you you know, you seemed really cool
Like could you imagine like if I was dating if I was already dating somebody or not interested and a guy said that to me
And said like, you know, Renee. It was so cool meeting you. I would love to get to know you more. Um,
If here's my number if you're interested great for not no big and he walked away
Like what if I just had a really crummy day like that might have me even if he's like totally not my guy
That would make me feel like a million bucks
so like
Even so you have to be willing to
For them to not be interested and you have to be willing Jackie always says leave him better than you found them
So if you have that attitude
If that all you did was compliment them by even suggesting it
It maybe boosted their ego. I mean, maybe they maybe they have a girlfriend
And she made him feel like a ding-dong that day and she told him he looked like an idiot or whatever
And he kind of walked away going. Gosh, I really want to get to know you more
He looked like an idiot or whatever and he kind of walked away going gosh, I really am a good catch
Like I am a good guy, you know, I mean like so we kind of have to be willing
to accept that awkward moment
of
That so that's what I have found. I have found
The more direct you are
The more blunt you are and the more you let them off the hook
The better it is
It's like hey, this may be crazy and if you're not interested that is totally okay
But at least I know I tried and you seem like a great guy
Thanks, and then you just
Now if he's really interested he might go whoa, whoa, wait a second
Like yeah, I really do want to call you
you know
so
I don't know. Does that help a little bit?
Yeah, it does. Just be brave girl. Just be brave
Just be right just be brave and then be willing to just bless them and if that's all it is that's all it is
All right, you guys
um
I took a long time tonight on the teaching and I took a long time on
Explaining the phase two and thank you ladies for reminding me that we have a mixture in our crowd tonight
Hopefully I've not messed you up too much. Keep enjoying the videos
If you are in the app use the community section to chit chat and I will chit chat with you
I will chit chat with you if you're on facebook use that
um
I promise you then the next week you will be getting an email and i'll be moving all of us over to the app
But I will give everybody a few weeks to do that
um
And I think we're good and i'm just going to sign off before I confuse you anymore
and myself and my mom wants to go to bed because
I'm on the east coast and it's 9 37. She's like when are you going to bed?
You
So, I'm popping off, have a great day y'all, see you soon, see you guys next week.