Hello, everybody. Welcome to phase two weekly check-in. I'm so excited to have you all here.
I know. Diana, thank you so much for getting so excited. I love when you guys are here.
I love when you're on camera and I don't feel so alone when I'm chatting with you. So super
excited to be here with you. How many people are here for the very first time? I feel like
it's a song opening. Is there anybody here for the very first time? Okie dokie. Naomi,
is this your first time? Did you wave your hand that it is? I was on but Jackie was on.
She came in as a speaker. I think the love seat. Yep. So that was your first time. It's
so funny when the first week coincides with love seats. People are like, I'm sorry, what's
this all about? I'm sorry. Yeah, exactly. Okay, I'm glad you guys let me know because
I'm gonna go to my printer. And I like to be sure that I always go through the housekeeping
because the way you guys kind of come rolling in is people are in different places. So phase
two should last about four weeks. Some of you have been known to camp here for like
six months, because you like the little cocoon that we all get in and we have this nice little
small group feeling. And you're like, well, I still get Jackie once a month. Why do I
need to go to phase three? It's just so big. But I've been booting people out lately. Now
I'm not I'm not kidding about that. There's no rush to get out. Some of you took longer
than five weeks to go through heartwork. Some of you will take longer to go through. So
first let me say the only criteria to move over to phase three is that you watch all
five videos and I'm going to kind of highlight all of them in a second. And you're here about
four weeks. So we want you here for about four weekly check-ins in that very first video
called Love Story Accelerator. One of the things that she says is, hey, you've got a
seven day dating challenge. Some of you have continued to think, oh my goodness, I need
to complete seven dates or be in a serious relationship. So there's a difference between
a level three, which I'll mention in a second and phase three. You do not need to complete
the dating challenge. You do not need to be dating at all to move into phase three.
Phase three is just for everybody who has finished all the content and the training
of phase one and phase two. While in phase three, you could be there for three weeks,
three months, or three years. You're allowed to stay as long as you want. Some of us have
been a part of this program a very long time. We have seen ourselves through a lot of dating
relationships. Some of you guys are new, newer to me. So you don't know that I about up until
about a month and a half ago, I was with somebody that I thought I was going to marry.
Did not work out that way. I am fine. I'm actually almost too fine. I don't know about
that. I don't know what that says. Honestly, if it wasn't for heartwork and if it wasn't
for this program, there were so many good signs about that relationship that on paper
he looked really good that I think I would have, old me would have talked myself out
of some of the yellow flags that were starting to get orange. And so I'm so glad. So it's
really important when you guys start dating that you date in community and you let people
speak into you. So I was making sure that Bethany and Jackie were still speaking into
me and really kind of going, wait, is this safe? Is this not safe? Cause you know, one
of the phrases that Jackie says during heartwork is her in relationship healed in relationship,
which means some of the triggers that you are going to feel in this dating season only
come up when you start dating. You can only do so much of the heartwork single. A lot
of it actually has to happen in the dating process, which kind of stinks. Cause sometimes
you think, oh my gosh, I'm going backwards. Why am I getting triggered? Well, you're getting
triggered cause you're getting tested out. So to speak, like your body's going to come
up against stuff that you've been up against before, but now you have the chance to do
it healthy with new tools. I need to slide something off the oven. So hold on a second.
Okay. And so it's really important that you stay in community. So you could be at any
place in your dating relationship. It is okay. You are not a failure. If you're not dating,
you are not a failure. If you're not in a serious relationship or married in 12 months,
you are a failure if you don't do anything. Right? So I want to make sure that where you
stepped into this program, is it where you stay? So I don't care if you take two steps
forward and a step back, two steps forward and a step back. My goal is that you just
keep moving. So that's like the biggest thing you're going to see out of Carla and I, while
you're in phase two, we're just going to not want to see you sit in the background. Now,
if you're watching this.
and replay and you, um, I'm not sure if the person who said it was in the noon session
or it's going to watch this in the replay, but somebody actually put in the post, I'm
just going to sit back and watch everybody else date. And I'm like, ah, you don't get
to do that. You don't get to learn this by osmosis. Like I wish you like, if I, if that
were true, I would watch people work out and I would lose weight. And I'd be happy with
that. Like, you know, for all the years that the biggest loser was on, did you want to
know one of the most common thing that happened while people were watching the biggest losers?
Like they were eating junk food. So if we could all get skinny watching other people,
you know, exercise, we'd be thin. And the same is true for dating. If we could like,
Oh, if I just keep watching how Trina does it and Yvonne does and Carla does it, I'm
going to learn all their boo-boos and I'm going to make none of them myself. That is
unfortunately not the way it works. You kind of have to get out there. Okay. So what are
those five main videos? So the five main videos is the love story accelerator. It's the first
one that Jackie does. She kind of gives you a dating challenge. Do not freak out. And
we were like, well, dear God, I've had no dates in the last seven years. And you're
asking me to come up with seven dates, whatever. It's just an idea of you guys. We came up
like literally on a whim call three years ago. She's like Renee, how many dates should
we give people in a challenge? I didn't know this was going to stick three years later.
And I was like, I don't know. Seven's God's holy number. How does that sound? And like
literally it's how much energy we put into that decision on the seven date challenge.
So it's just an idea to kind of get you out there again. So that's the first thing she
talks about. The second thing she talks about is start moving again and start eating whole
foods and drinking water. And here's the, and I'm going to talk a little bit more about
that tonight. So we don't normally talk about Love Star Accelerator in the check-in, but
I am going to talk about it a little bit tonight. The second video that you're going to watch
is called Dating 101. And she talks about the five levels of dating, which should not
be confused with the phases that you're in this program. So phases means the level of
this program. Dating levels is just how you date. It's a great video. And she talks about
level one dating is just this, this is us in community. It's co-ed, it's all women. It is
when you're in a group setting. So like if you are talking to multiple guys online and you've
not yet had a one-on-one video date or a live date, you're just at level one. Cause you're
talking to a bunch of people. He's talking to a bunch of people. So like, if you're out like at
a singles dinner and the cute guy, like says five sentences more to you than the girl next to you,
you're still not out on a date. You're still not in a level two situation with him. He,
we don't know if he's being flirty. We don't know if he's being nice. We don't know if he's just
practicing his dating skills on you, or he's just bored. We don't know. We won't know that unless
you have some alone time with them to have that conversation. Level. So level two dating is alone
time. It is time alone. Believe it or not. I can have a level two relationship with one of you.
How many of you guys hang out with women in a group and you're like, man, Sandy, Sandy seems
like a really cool lady. I want to go. I want to have coffee with Sandy. So Sandy and I are going
to go have coffee together. That's actually a level two relationship. I'm getting to know her
at a surface level. I'm not vomiting all of my trauma, drama and triggers. Well,
unless I'm in a 12 step meeting, I might, but in every other situation you shouldn't be.
Level three is where someone has earned the right to be heard. They've earned the right to hear
your story and you're in more of an exclusive relationship. Now, Jackie doesn't say it's 3A,
3B. I've coined that phrase. So I take complete ownership. And so if she ever like laughs at you
for calling it 3A, you can blame me. But I feel like sometimes, especially at my age, people are
like, Hey, I don't know where this is going to go, but I kind of want to just focus on you right now.
Do you want to just focus on me? And I'm like, yeah, man. Cause I've been out on enough dates.
Like you seem like a cool guy. Like, I'd like to just put my energy towards you. I've not decided
that I'm marrying this guy yet. I've not decided that he deserves all my trauma and drama and
story, but I do like the idea of knowing that I'm not worried about like me trying to juggle a bunch
of guys and he's juggling a bunch of women. We're just going to kind of pause everybody else,
focus on just each other. I don't delete my profiles. I don't like delete interacting with
other people, but I kind of go like, let's kind of zoom in. And then obviously as a level three
relationship progresses, it gets more serious. Level four is engagement. Level five is marriage.
That whole video, she spends like an hour and a half on it. Do not take what I just said in three
minutes as all of the answers, but that's kind of like what happens in the dating 101 video.
The third video is the divine feminine, probably one of my most favorite videos.
And I love unpacking that with you.
It really talks about what God's original design was for masculine and feminine in the
garden before we screwed it up.
And so, and what has happened since the garden and the trajectory of sometimes where men
became too dominant, Jesus tried to restore that, then the men's movement came, then the
women's movement came, so we've kind of gone back and forth on this pendulum.
And now we're at a season in our life where we can't even decide what defines a man and
a woman, and so we've gotten all sorts of identity crisis.
I promise that the sound of it sounds like woo-woo, I promise it's not hippy-dippy woo-woo.
So if you're like thinking, oh my gosh, like I don't want to have a mystical video on divine
feminine, it's not that, I promise.
So you're going to super enjoy it, and we talk about the positive traits that are divinely
masculine and divinely feminine that we're supposed to kind of carry out, and what that
looks like when we have a broken heart and a gift gone wrong.
So like I used to run a nonprofit for 20 years, and I used to love saying to folks, you don't
have strengths and weaknesses, most of our weaknesses is when we operate too much in
our strength and it gets kind of overused.
So sometimes the biggest things that I've done to hurt people has been when I have used
my gift almost too much, if that makes sense, right?
So it's an overuse of it.
Now like in spiritual gift land, we always worry like, oh my gosh, miracles, speaking
in tongues, doing a little too much laying on of hands, you're getting a little too much
in your spiritual gift.
But if you notice in the church, no one ever tells you you're helping too much or you're
being too generous.
It's funny how there are certain spiritual gifts we think there's not, like there's never
enough of, but as somebody who's been in full-time ministry, I promise you I have overextended
my helping and generosity gift.
Like I have done it to a point that is burned me out.
So that's the divine feminine video.
You will love it.
Then I do online dating and I will say this, you guys, and I say this in the video, nobody
hated online dating more than me.
Nobody has probably done online dating.
Some of y'all are so young, you don't even know when it first started.
Like I have been there, done it, tried it all and I swore I would never ever do it again.
But when Jackie issued the dating challenge, I was a little screwed because in my world
of running a nonprofit, all I was around was married men, but then I was also in community
theater.
So I was around gay men, gay men, married men, never around single men.
Like literally count on one hand how many single men I actually know in real life.
So the only way I was going to practice these dating skills is online dating.
And I promise you it's a funny video.
You will enjoy it.
And even if you never want to do online dating again, there are so many great tips about
how to do that early flirting, early dating in there.
The next video I do boundaries.
I've been teaching on boundaries since Townsend Cloud wrote the book 30 years ago.
And whenever we have to reteach it, I always need the boundaries more than y'all.
So it's always a good lesson.
And I talk about boundaries with your family, your friends, your coworkers.
And so not just in your dating situation.
So it's a really great video.
So every single week that you see us on here, we kind of spend the first 10 minutes doing
what I'm doing right now.
I just kind of remind you about everything.
You're like, gosh, I need to go back and watch that video.
So that's why I'm doing this.
I kind of go over the housekeeping rules.
I do a little bit of a summary teaching and based.
It's usually based on what you guys have to say in the roll call and what you guys say
in the comments, the things that are seeming to be bubbling up.
I'm going to send you out to a breakout group with about three or four other people.
I usually try to put four in a room knowing that two to three of you might show up because
some of you are working or you're in a position where you can't get into that call.
And so that's OK.
We're going to have you answer a couple of questions and continue to get to know each
other.
And then we come back and you guys get to spend the next 30, 45 minutes asking me whatever
question you want.
It could be a dating scenario.
It could be something from the video that just stuck out at you.
So it's really your time.
And we have lots of fun during that.
You will have learned pretty quickly.
I can be super serious, super funny, super snarky.
I've been there and done it.
I ran a pregnancy center for 20 years.
So there's no question that you can ask me that will not shock me.
I'm good.
In fact, I seem to be like the girl people call when somebody either has an STD or they're
pregnant or their kid is pregnant.
Like I literally just got a text from my cousin.
She's like, OK, so my daughter's best friend is 20 and she's pregnant and you're the first
person I thought of to help her through this.
I'm like, I am your girl.
And so OK, so let me give you a few more other housekeeping items.
Make sure when you do your post, you kind of either.
or share about what's going on in your dating life,
your personal life, how you're activating,
getting out from hiding,
and any questions you have about any of the videos,
any ahas, because if you have an aha from the video,
it might even be something that the Lord placed on you,
and we didn't even say it in the video,
but the God kind of downloaded that to you,
and it might be a gift to somebody else.
I will say Carla and I are not
your dream interpretation experts,
so, eh, on the dreams,
so I know you guys have been doing that in phase one.
I will tell you, you guys are gonna be invited
to an all-community dream interpretation.
I believe the post was put up,
I think it's next Thursday night,
so it doesn't conflict with us here,
but we'll keep reminding you about that.
You'll be able to watch that and replay if you miss it,
but it'll be a really great place
to learn a little bit about unpacking those dreams.
And then, of course,
I just wanna make sure you lift all boats,
and so, really make sure when you give responses
that you are encouraging and that you are uplifting.
If somebody's down in the dumps,
I'm not trying to ask you to be all Pollyann
and be like, oh my gosh, you know,
God works together all things for good.
Like, I don't want you to Romans 8, 28 people
and not be able to express their concern,
but I don't want us to drag each other down,
like, oh my gosh, yeah, men suck,
and like, oh my gosh, and all they think about is this.
Like, oh my gosh, I'm not meeting anybody either.
Doesn't it just suck?
Like, you can commiserate a little bit with each other,
but we wanna try to lift one another up,
and so, I'm gonna just encourage you to do that.
It also means we don't wanna tell people what to do,
and we don't wanna be their therapist.
So, even if you are a therapist,
you don't get to be a therapist here.
We really need to help people and ask good questions.
So, I use the word curious.
You wanna be curious, and actually, ladies,
this is really good for you to practice that in here,
one of us as women, our biggest hang-up with men
is we treat men like our children,
and we become their therapist.
Like, we start out nurturing and compassionate,
which is a good gift,
and then all of a sudden, we start caretaking,
and we think it's our job
to teach a guy how to date properly,
and we think it's our job to school them.
Nobody tried to school men more than me.
Like, you know that that's not appropriate behavior
for a brother in Christ.
He is not looking for me for my advice,
and so, we wanna make sure we practice that
with each other in the pages.
We are far more likely to do that with men on date.
So, good, good, okay.
So, the thing that I saw come up,
and it's really perfect,
because it kind of goes with the love story accelerator.
When I was kind of reading your posts and stuff,
one of the things that Bethany wanted me to highlight
is something that Jackie said in a post,
and she said, you don't have to be the first in line
for your love story, because you're the only one in line.
And so, it's the idea of stop worrying about other women
getting in front of you to get your guy.
So, it might be really easy to think like,
oh my gosh, she stole him, or she got to him first.
The truth is, if he's your guy,
he's gonna be waiting for you.
He's gonna be picking you.
Because the truth is, you guys, once people get married,
it doesn't mean that men go blind,
and they don't see any other woman.
I wanna know that my guy's picking me
among all of the women he can see,
because I need to know that he has seen,
like, there was a time in my life,
I wouldn't let any guy I was dating meet my cousin,
because she's hot.
She's like Jennifer Anderson hot.
Like, no, seriously.
Like, guys will fall all over her,
and I'm like, I can't show any of my boyfriends my cousin
until I know he's really in love with me.
But now I'm like, you know what?
I'm gonna find my hottest girlfriend,
like, my most outgoing friend,
and if he's wooed by her just meeting her,
then he's not my guy.
Like, I wanna make sure my guy
can be in front of anything else,
and he's still gonna pick me.
So we really want you to make sure
that you are not worrying about it.
Like, especially once you go into phase three,
if you guys see the same guy that's in the co-bed,
and you're like, oh, I'm gonna drop a hanky,
especially if Jackie spotlights him,
20 girls might get in touch with her to say,
hey, Mark seems like a great guy.
I'd be a great match with him.
Well, Mark might talk to all 20 of you
before he narrows it down,
and you have to be okay with the fact
that he's talking to other women,
not just other women, but other women in this community,
and it's awkward, y'all.
Like, there was a guy I was talking to
really early on in the program,
and it was fun until we stopped talking to each other,
and I saw to see him in the program.
And then when he found his person,
and I'm like, she looks just like me.
Why didn't he just pick me?
I mean, like, I'm a younger, cuter version of her.
Like, whatever.
But y'all, he wasn't my person, and he's so much happier.
So we really kind of have to be okay with that.
I've heard Jackie say is what you make happen for someone else, God will make happen for you.
So if I go out on a date with a guy and he's just not my guy, but he's a great guy,
I want to get him to join this program because maybe he's Stephanie's guy or Diana's guy.
That doesn't make him a bad guy. He's just not my guy. Like, you know, I mean, I'm kind of like
this snarky little Italian. And so if he's a little bit more softer spoken, I might be like
just too much for him. But there might be somebody else in this community that would be perfect for
him. So we really want you to have this mindset that when you see other people in relationships
and other engagement photos and all of that, it's like encouragement. And it's devastating,
potentially all at the same time, we want you to stand the encouraging side.
We want you to be like, well, man, if it could happen for her, it could happen for me.
And we want you to have that mindset to, oh my gosh, why is it happening for her and not for me?
You know, that's just not going to get us anywhere. Okay. So the thing I talked about
last week in the boundaries, and again, I'm just highlighting here, I use this acronym.
So I try to remember things in an acronym. And so if I find that my attitude is getting kind of
cranky, if I'm not being nice to people, if I'm kind of having a depressed attitude about it,
I find that I need to check out what I call my pies. And I talked about this last week.
And so your P stands for physical. How is your physical wellbeing doing? Are you getting sleep?
Are you getting rest? Did you guys know rest and sleep are not the same thing?
They are not the same thing. Are you moving? Are you eating whole single source foods? Are you
getting in enough water? You guys just not drinking enough water can literally put you
in a bad mood. So sleep, rest, and water. If you do nothing else, please do those three things.
Intellect. What are you doing to fill your mind? Do you continue to have a learning spirit?
Like it would be really easy for me to go like, oh my gosh, I've been there, done it. Like a lot
of us came into this program and we're like, I don't really need to do the hard work because I've
already done enough therapy. Y'all, no one has done more therapy than me. No one's been in more
retreats than me. Seances, I'm not kidding with the seance, like sozo's, freedom prayers, I've done
all the things. And yet I still learned something in the heart work. And every time I listened to
Jackie and Bethany this far in, I still learn from them. Like I still got, it's like scripture,
you guys, like we read scripture and like all of a sudden God will highlight a scripture you've
read 5,000 times. So always make sure you have this learning spirit and try not to be like,
I'm done learning or that's just the way that I am and I'm not going to change. We want to
kibosh that. Ease for emotional. How is your emotional wellbeing? And if your emotions are
kind of out of whack, make sure you're journaling your thoughts. You share them here. You talk about
them with somebody if you don't feel comfortable here. I promise you, if you are feeling something,
somebody else is feeling the same thing too. And then the last is spiritual. How's your spiritual
world doing? Usually if we are depressed and out of sorts, God has not moved away from us.
We have moved away from him. You know you, you know what gets you reconnecting with the Lord.
Is it getting in the word? Is it worshiping? Is it listening to teachings? Is it praying?
Is it doing activities? So get your pies in order. Okay. I also want us to get ready for your
mid, when we got into the groups, you're going to be doing this project in particular.
So I want you to think about your mid-year reflection. So it's about to be the end of
July. Y'all, I can't even believe we're about to say August. How is that even humanly possible
for the love? And so here we are. And so you might be thinking like, oh my gosh,
like I only have five months left of the year and like I've got nothing done.
So I want you to reflect not just in your breakout time as we got about to go in,
but I want you to reflect this whole next week on what has gone well the front half of the year.
We did this in prayer on Monday. So if you were in prayer on Monday, y'all like it took people a
while to find things to be like celebratory of themselves. And I want you to like knock it out
of the park. I want you to journal. And if you guys want share it in the newsfeed this week,
like brag on yourself, you know, like literally like be like, oh my gosh, Trina was awesome.
This first half of the year, here are the three things that Trina got done. And I'm so proud of
her. Like talk about yourself in the third person, like brag on yourself, like brag on what you got
done. I promise you, you all got something done. I mean, you got out of heart work and you're here
in phase two. So you.
You got at least that done, but I'm sure there's other things.
So I want you to take the time to celebrate your wins, write them down.
Now you can kind of look into a two pronged of where you're going.
What do you specifically want to accomplish while you're here in phase two?
Is it just simply get out of the background and what does that even look like
for you? If you're not going to do online dating,
what are you willing to do to go meet people in real life?
What can you do to be more feminine? Um, you know,
what new way can you try to meet somebody new or talk to somebody new?
And then of course, as you look at the rest of the year,
what is something at least one or two things that you're still trying to
accomplish before the end of the year?
So here's what I am going to tell you when you go into your breakout,
you're not allowed for to be those two,
two of those three questions to be get married. So if you say, or well,
get married in the next four weeks would be kind of creepy and I'd be jumping
all over you as would Jackie. So you might say,
I want to be in a serious relationship.
You're going to say that for phase two that I don't want that to be your only
answer. I want you to have other dreams besides find your guy,
right? Other dreams. So it's reflect back.
What do you want to get done in phase two?
And then what do you want to get done in the rest of the year?
Those are going to be your breakout questions,
but I want you to be thinking about that all week long. Um,
and then, um, let's see, things in your life will compete for your time.
So some of you guys have mentioned, I'm in school, I'm doing this,
I'm doing that. I've got a sick parent. I don't have time for myself right now.
That's what got you guys in this mess and in this program in the first place.
So we need to make sure you're still putting the oxygen mask on yourself.
So don't let whatever's competing for your attention,
completely derail you from taking care of yourself in this season.
Okay. Let's see. Um, Oh,
Carla added this. I'm so glad she added this.
As you step into dating and the idea of dating, remember this,
what you believe you become and what you become,
you attract mindset can shift your dating experience.
Example, if you believe dating is too much of a challenge,
then that will translate how you show up.
And that's going to show up and how others will respond to you.
So if you act like every guy on the internet is a
scammer, then that is what you will attract. Um, it just,
it's the law of attraction. Um, and you guys, I love this.
It's like if you are staring at a pothole in the road, by golly,
you're going to hit the dang pothole. Like your car will follow your gaze.
And I know that's true because when I first learned how to drive in Connecticut
and the snow and the ice,
one of the things that my dad taught me that I also heard, um,
a car insurance guy say, cause they kind of talked about it in driving school.
If you ever get into a point where you start to hide your plane or you're
sliding on ice and you lose control of the car,
the first thing you're supposed to do is look back at the main road.
Your hands will follow.
If you over correct with your hands without looking,
you will start that fishtail spin.
So you want to look where you want to go.
Your body will follow. So that's the same idea with this.
What you think is what you become and what you become is what you attract.
So you really want to be thinking about what lies am I still believing about
myself? What am I saying out loud? Now, you guys,
I have been sad and depressed and lonely for sure.
But in the last couple of years,
I've stopped speaking that negative crap out loud and over me.
I don't want to give the enemy any foothold cause he, he can't read my mind.
Now he might want to plant some ideas in my head,
but the enemy can't read my mind. So sometimes when I feel things coming,
I say out loud, like, um, go to hell in the name of Jesus said, a,
you know, enemy Satan, whatever you want to call him.
Because like that little lie that you're trying to plant in my head is just
crap. It might be, you know,
how Jackie always says there's the truth and there's facts.
The facts might be, I'm still single,
but that's not the truth about the end of my story.
So make sure you separate the truth from the facts.
So dating is always an opportunity for you guys to grow.
I will say this because I've probably been on more dates.
I've probably been on a hundred dates in the last three years and I've had two
very serious relationships and I have learned so much about myself.
I've had so much fun and you guys had a lot of great dinners that somebody else
paid for. So, I mean, it's all been bad.
And so I will date completely differently.
And I feel like everything that I did there is setting me up for now.
I can tell you this, this is the reason why you guys want to have other dreams.
Since being a part of Jackie's community,
I left a 20 year position to kind of venture out into my own coaching.
in consulting business, I published a book and I started seminary eight months ago. So
like all this stuff I thought I couldn't do until I got married, I'm doing now and I believe
that's where he is. I mean, one of my future professors is really hot y'all so and I think
he's divorced. I'm just saying, I won't be able to date him until after I have his class
but you know, you never know how it's going to go. Okay, so I'm going to send you into
the breakout room and I did really good on time today. All right, so I'm going to give
you like depending on once I see how many people are actually in the room, I'm either
going to give you like 10 minutes or 15 minutes. If I see a lot of you have four people, I'm
going to give you the full 15 minutes. So remember, I'm going to put the questions that
I mentioned in there. I'm going to put them in the chat box and you can take a screenshot
of it and then I will also post it periodically during the thing but right there. So here
are your three questions. The first one, what are three things that you are most proud of
that you accomplished this year? I don't care you guys, do not let somebody cheat and go
and I had any, you make them answer it. So everyone's going to answer that first and
make sure you kind of move a little quickly so everyone gets a chance to go. Somebody's
going to have to be the gatekeeper on time to make sure that one person's not hogging
up all the time. What is one thing that you want to accomplish in phase two and then what
is one thing you want to accomplish by the end of the year? So if you say get your guy
in phase two, that can't also be your answer for number three. Does that make sense? So
maybe it's like lose five pounds. I don't know. Maybe it's like get a new job. So it
could be anything. So that's going to be your thing and I'm going to see, let's see how
many people I have. Okay, four divided by 23 is, you guys, I really did well in math.
I'm going to do five rooms and see what happens.
No, that's not right. Wait, wait, stop. Wait, I got it. Wait, I got it. Can I redo this? Don't
go. Don't go. I put too many in one room. How do I move people? Some of you are all still here.
How do I fix this? I don't know if I can fix this. Dang it.
We all click like not now, Renee. If we all reject your invite.
Can you all reject it? Can you all reject me? Everybody reject me.
I know some people already, like three people already left, but if everybody rejects me,
because I should have made six rooms. My gosh, why can't I do the math?
Four? I should have done seven rooms or six. I should have done six rooms.
Dang it. Oh, let's see. Close all rooms. Oh, close all rooms.
Oh, close all rooms. Ah, they're going to come back. They're going to come back.
Okay. I've got some of you back here. I've counted wrong, so we're going to try this again.
Oh, no. Break out rooms. No. Recreate. There we go. You know.
Yes. Okay. There we go. That looks better. Open all rooms. Now y'all can go off to your room.
One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. One, two, three. One,
two. One, two, three. Larissa, can you not go to a room?
Okay, everybody is back from the group.
Did anybody feel like, gosh, that was really empowering to help celebrate for a few minutes
some stuff we've got done? Yes?
Yes, good, because you know what?
The Garden of Eden should be our clue that we should not focus so much on what we don't
have because Adam and Eve had everything.
The only thing they didn't have was eating from the tree of good knowledge and good and
bad.
You know what I'm talking about.
And so they went after the one thing they couldn't get, even though they already had
everything that they needed.
And so I always say to folks, and I said this in the prayer on Monday, the rear view mirror
in your car is small for a reason compared to the windshield.
We can't spend our day looking behind us what could or what it should have been.
We have to keep our gaze forward.
That's the only way that we can actually move forward.
And if you feel like you have nothing going on in your life, that's okay.
I get it.
Like, I feel like I have a graveyard of things I've had to grieve in the last three years.
And so I kind of feel like the disciples did when they went out fishing and they came back
in the morning and their boat was empty, but guess what?
Because they had an empty boat, Jesus was able to do a miracle and fill that boat up
and fill it to overflowing.
So if you feel like your boat is empty right now, it only means you just get out in the
water one more time and do one more thing that's different.
Okay.
This is your last phase, Tekin.
All right, girl, you've already been moved to phase three.
I'm so glad.
Yay.
You know, I am kind of around in phase three too.
Well, come to prayer on Mondays, I'm usually always leading prayer on Mondays, and I show
up sometimes in phase three.
I will find you all.
I promise.
I will find you all.
Okay.
So this is your time.
You guys get to ask me questions.
If you had an aha from any of the videos, it could have been something that was said
great during the breakout, but this is your time.
Start raising your avatar hand so I can call on you and ignore the whiny little crying
thing that's going on over here.
Okay.
Samsung, do you have a name?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I missed you, Diane.
I'll get you next.
Oh, Regina.
Sorry.
I don't...
Regina?
No, it's all good.
It's all good.
Regina, are you on the app, Regina?
I'm on the Zoom app.
Yes, on the phone.
No, I mean, I know some of the people in this group are off Facebook and some are on the
actual Last Year Single app.
Are you in the Last Year Single app?
I am.
Okay.
Because I wanted to make sure you were that Regina.
I'm the same Regina.
Yeah.
You said something that kind of the light bulb went out.
You were saying when you want to get to concentrate on someone, you want to say, hey, I want to
pause, but you're not going to delete the apps.
So I was like, oh, that's kind of like almost like an in-between because I did like, okay,
it's either open relationship, not open relationship, you know, like dating multiple people at once
or you're exclusive and you remove all the dating apps.
But then I really like what you said.
So-
Well, it just depends how quickly you get exclusive, right?
I mean, there are some people who are like, I'm going to date three months, not exclusive.
So by the time you do get exclusive, it's a big deal.
And so, yeah, you probably have both agreed, hey, we're both deleting the apps.
Do you know what I'm saying?
But like if I've been dating, like the last guy that I dated, and maybe, I don't know,
we went exclusive too soon, but I had already been on so many dates.
I was like, I could, I could use a break from talking to other dudes.
Like I was all in, but it was like only two or three weeks into dating him that he wanted
to like, hey, I'm just, he's like, I can't tell you what to do, but I want to just focus
on you.
So I didn't know him well enough to decide to delete apps, but I don't know about you,
like putting up those photos and that bio, that took a lot of work.
Like just turn it off.
Like you can turn it off, but turning it off is really different than delete that sucker.
And so it's not that, you know, I don't know.
So that's my rule of thumb, but hey, y'all do what you feel comfortable with.
If you're a guy, if you're like totally into your guy and he's like, we're going to delete
the apps together, go for it.
You know, cause if you're not deleting your app, then chances are he's not deleting his
and maybe that you don't like that.
So like if you, so I would say that's my thing, Regina, is it really depends how quickly you're
getting exclusive and what's around the definition of that exclusivity.
So, and Jackie really says that the exclusive conversation needs to be led by the guy.
So it's not our job to lead that conversation, which is what happened with me and this guy.
He started the conversation and I was like, yeah, yeah, sounds like a good idea.
Like, you know, and so I feel like we want to let them take the lead on that conversation.
Now if it's like, you're like two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12,
13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 31, 32,
33, 33, 33, 33, 33, 33, 33, 33, 33, 33, 33, 33, 33, 33, 33, 33, 33, 33, 33, 33, 33, 33, 33,
three months in and you're like really starting to have feelings for this guy, you might have
to say like, Hey, you know, kind of what are your intentions?
Usually when I ask the intention question, I try to find out sooner than I'm exclusive
with him.
So like in my early dating with a guy, here's the kind of question I ask a guy.
So tell me where you're at in this dating journey.
Are you kind of just getting back out there or are you feeling like, you know, you're,
you know, like you're really kind of honing in, you kind of have an idea of what you're
looking for.
So like if he tells me, you know, at my just lost my wife or I just got divorced, the ink
is not dry.
I'm just getting on line dating.
I know men like they're typically not going to run and jump to exclusivity right away,
especially if they don't have a healed heart.
So I'm going to be like, all right, this guy's going to probably go slower.
Right?
So if I hear a guy say, you know what, Renee, like I've done on enough dates, I'm really
just looking for my person.
Like I can tell he's got a little bit more of that pursuit marriage minded kind of thing.
The other thing I will ask separately, so I'm not trying to scare the guy is I will
say things like, well, so tell me what is on your goal list for the next year or two.
What are the things that you are putting your time and energy into that you're hoping to
accomplish in the next year or two?
So I said that in a very broad way, if they're trying to finish school, are they trying to
get a business off the ground?
Are they trying to get a promotion?
Are they trying to like medal in their triathlon?
Because if they're trying to get married, that will be in the list.
It may not be the first thing that they say.
They might say, you know, I'm really trying to get my 401k together.
I'm really trying to get this going on with the kids.
You know, obviously I really want to find my person.
If they say that early on while I'm asking about it, as I'm asking about all their other
dreams, it's not like I'm trying to define the relationship if we've been out on 10 dates.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Like I just try to be very low key about like, and if they say to me like, well, where are
you at?
Especially because I'm in school now.
Well, you know what?
Right now I've kind of backburnered my career.
I'm realizing right now with school, it's taken up so much of my time and energy.
I'm kind of backburnering my thing right now.
I'm just focusing on this, you know, ministry with last year single, I'm doing some fitness
and some coaching, but really my first priority is getting through school in the next year
and a half.
And of course I'd love to really find my person.
And so I make sure I say it because if I only say school and I don't mention find my person,
he's going to be like, all right, well, she's not going to want to settle down until she
graduates.
And that's not true.
He would make my life financially so much easier if he would pop the question before
I graduate.
And so that's a good way for me to do it.
Does that help?
Yeah.
Thank you.
Great.
Diana, you're up.
Thanks.
When I popped back in, I heard the conversation that y'all were having and I just, I am rusty
when it comes to flirting and I just, any tips y'all have for flirting when somebody
flirts with me, I'm just like, woo!
You guys were the ones talking about it.
Okay.
So here's the thing you guys, flirting, just think friendly.
Think friendly.
How it turns into a flirt is it's with a man and you look at him, you know, like, I don't
know if you guys ever used to watch America's Top Model with Tyra Banks and she used to
say things like, you have to smize, you have to smile with your eyes.
So when Jackie gave me admin rights to the men's page, I got to read, she asked a question
once and like, and I got to read all the answers, like, what do you look for most in a woman?
And do you want to know the number one things that guy said?
Nice smile, nice eyes.
So he wants to see you smile with your eyes and smile with your mouth.
And so literally that's the fastest way to start flirting, smile.
Look at them longer, you know, catch someone's gaze or you can like catch their gaze and
then drop your gaze.
That's like, you haven't even said a dang thing and that's already flirting, right?
Um, now I flirt all the time with what I would call safe topics.
So I'm at the gym and if I can't reach the pulley thing to attach the thing, or I can
if I stand up on the seat and then I can reach it, but I don't do that anymore.
If there's a guy next to me, even if he's fat, ugly old dude, I'm going to practice
asking for something to get a guy's attention, like, hey, do you mind reaching that for me?
Oh my gosh, yes, of course.
Thank you so much.
So you see, I've practiced chatting with a guy that I don't really care how it goes.
Like there was this other really good looking guy who actually is an amputee.
And so I noticed like the high school kids bring in equipment to him.
So it's just there for him.
So one day I was like, hey, do you want me to get some of the equipment for you?
He's like, oh my gosh, that would be awesome.
So we chatted for a few minutes.
Now, for all I know, these guys were married.
I don't know.
But like that is me practicing being friendly.
When somebody like offers to hold the door open instead of saying, oh, I got it.
I say, OK, thank you.
That would be great.
Thank you so much.
I compliment what people look like all the time.
Like, oh my gosh, I really love that shirt on you.
Like, oh my gosh, you know what?
Like, I saw the way you were talking to that sales lady.
You were just so kind.
That was really nice.
I'm glad.
And they all say things like, chivalry is not dead.
You know, like, I will find something to compliment.
Who don't want to get a compliment, you guys?
And practice it on women.
Like, practice it on women.
Like, Trina, I really like your hat.
Like, oh my gosh, you look so adorable.
Like, Diana, like, I really like the way the light is hitting your face tonight.
Like, start practicing it on people that you're not, like, having the flutters with
so that it becomes so second nature that you do it without even thinking about it.
So we think we're supposed to, like, when we flirt with a guy,
A, we don't practice it enough.
B, we think we're supposed to come up with some pithy thing
that's supposed to be, like, some whatever.
Y'all, it just usually doesn't happen that way.
Like, when I think about any of the guys that I've dated that I met in real life,
I was in the middle of doing something corny, stupid, silly, and I wasn't worried about it.
So we make it a big thing because we don't practice it,
and we think it's supposed to be, like, this fascinating, glorious thing that we're going to say.
Like, sometimes I'll look at a guy, I'm like, oh my gosh, you look so dapper tonight.
Like, I love using that word dapper because, like, dapper is so old school.
Like, and especially, well, at my age, I can say dapper.
Now, if y'all are much younger than me, if you say dapper,
they might not know that you're talking about.
But whatever word y'all use that's, like, distinguished, like, men like kind of hearing that.
And so, like, I will be friendly with the bartender, the wait staff,
the guy checking me out at a store.
Like, do you know what I'm saying?
Like, just practice the crap out of being friendly with everybody.
You guys have to practice walking in places and not having this in your hand.
Put it away because when you're in line...
Okay, even at the grocery store, you know, when you're in line at the grocery store,
talk to the people around you.
And sometimes if they're not in the mood to talk, guess what?
They don't respond to you.
So you just go, okay, that person don't want to talk to me.
I can't tell you how many times I've been on a plane
where the chick next to me will ignore me for the entire two hours.
How is that humanly possible?
We are six inches away from each other.
How could you do that?
So I will try being friendly with everybody.
And I've learned to not sweat it.
And so does that help, Diana?
I want you to, like, think about how can I affirm people, compliment people?
Like, oh my gosh, did you just got caught in the rain?
I just got caught in the rain too.
Like, I don't know.
Mix it up.
Like, keep it super...
I always say kiss.
Keep it super simple.
Just keep it super simple.
And just, like, practice at the little stuff.
The way you get...
The way the flirt turns on, you know, is you got to, like, bat your eyes just a little bit.
You got to smile.
Do, like, the side smile.
You know, but like I said, I have practiced flirting with people I don't care about,
which is...
Well, it can get you in trouble sometimes.
So sometimes if you practice on the wrong people and they flirt back,
you might have to go...
You know, you have to kind of rein it in.
The car dealership, when I go get my BMW, my Mini Cooper serviced,
I flirt with all the old men in there just to practice my flirt.
Because you know what?
One of them might have a son or a brother.
Like, you never know.
Like, you just...
That's the thing, you guys.
If you only flirt with what you think is your guy,
you're missing out on what Jackie calls community matchmaking.
Do you want to know before the internet and all these other things?
You know how most people used to meet their person through somebody else?
So the more people you are friendly with, that person might know your guy.
And they're gonna be like, oh my gosh, you're adorable.
You need to meet my son.
Or you need to meet my brother.
Like, you'd be perfect for him.
Okay, I'll have him meet him.
Here's my number.
Have him call me.
I'm a big girl.
We go out for coffee.
No big.
When is it appropriate to give somebody your phone number?
All right.
So I don't like giving out my phone number to complete strangers.
So if I'm talking to somebody and like, I will say this, in community here.
So the way you can drop the hanky here is if you're in one of those co-ed sessions.
You guys, if you're in Supernatural Saturday or Activation Sunday, now that you're in phase two,
hopefully the guys have their first and last name.
And if they're in our program, chances are they have a Facebook account or an Instagram account.
so you can go and drop something in their DMs
and you can be as simple, and I've done this,
you can be as simple as,
oh my gosh, I noticed you on Supernatural Saturday.
You seem to have a really warm smile.
I'm just gonna throw this out there.
I don't know anything about you.
You don't know anything about me.
I would love to get a chance to get, you know,
have a quick video chat and get to know you a little bit.
If not, that is okay too.
I just really wanted to affirm you
that you really caught my eye
because here's the thing, you guys,
even if he's not interested in you,
you might make him feel like a million bucks
and vice versa.
Like, doesn't it make you feel good
if somebody says like, oh my gosh,
you have, you know, you really caught my eye.
And so, especially if somebody drops the hanky with you,
you wanna be really kind if you're gonna say no.
Like, oh my gosh, I mean, I will say this.
It's not like I get thousands of men coming after me.
So I will usually get, like Jackie highlighted me once
and I got some of the creepiest men reach out to me.
I offered all of them a 15 minute video chat
on Facebook Messenger,
because we were in the same community.
I was like, hey, I'll do,
I wasn't gonna get in this whole texting back and forth.
Like, I was not gonna waste my time.
But I'm like, hey, let's hop on for a quick 15 minute chat.
Anybody, I can give anybody 15 minutes.
And you'll find out really fast,
like sometimes people surprised me.
And like, I actually wanted to go out
on a real date with somebody.
And sometimes I was like, oh hell no.
But then I can be like, you know,
it was really sweet getting to know you.
I really don't feel like a, I wanna pursue this.
That's why I usually say,
I don't feel like I wanna pursue this,
but it was so nice getting to know you.
Thank you for so much for reaching out to me.
So that's how I respond that way.
But that's how you can do the drop the hanky
in the DM thing in person.
If you had a really cool conversation with somebody,
I would tell them to look up your socials.
That's what I would do.
Cause I'm a little protective of my cell phone number
to complete strangers.
So I would say, oh my goodness, you know,
I had so much fun getting to know you.
You seem like a really cool guy.
I don't know really anything about you.
So if you're married or have a serious girlfriend,
please tell me.
But if you don't, I would love to get to know you.
My Instagram handle is this,
or this is how you can find me on social media.
And see if they,
because I actually want them to make a little effort
to find me.
If I hand them the phone number,
do you know what I'm saying?
Like they could toss it, they could forget about it.
But if I really caught their interest
and I say, go find me on my socials,
I'm trusting them to do a little initiative.
Cause I really do want them to kind of take the lead.
So you want to drop the hanky without booking the date.
But that's me.
If you guys feel comfortable now,
every now and then I do have business cards
that I keep in my purse every now and then.
I mean, I've not done this a lot,
but if I really hit it off with somebody
or I meet somebody who I know through somebody.
So I know they're a safe human.
I might say like, oh my gosh, this sounds really crazy.
I know.
It's if I don't hear from you, it's totally okay.
But here's my business card.
It's got my cell phone on it.
Feel free to give me a shout.
I'd love to get to know you a little bit.
If not, it's all good.
Like I always give them, if not, it's all good.
No worries, no harm, no foul.
Like I want them to know I am okay
if they don't reach out to me
and I really need to be okay.
So you're going to do that.
You have to be okay if they don't respond to you.
Even if you thought they were flirting
their butts off with you.
I've had plenty of married people flirt with me.
I've had plenty of people not ready to date.
Like you ever been in that season of your life
where you're not ready to get back out there
but somebody you kind of have chemistry with
and so you have fun kind of bantering with them.
But then the minute they ask you out on a date,
you're like, oh my gosh, I'm not ready to date yet.
You know?
And so a lot of reasons can be
why they don't get in touch with you.
So hopefully everything I just gave you, Diana,
not only helps you, but everybody else.
I can be your wing woman.
I love doing it.
You guys, no one used to flirt worse than me.
I'm telling you guys,
I was like the nerdy kid in high school.
I did not have any flirting game on whatsoever.
So if you're like, oh my gosh,
I wish I could be like Renee.
I promise you, this did not exist three years ago.
That's this program.
That's me practicing and being friendly with people.
Thank you.
You bet, sweetie.
All right.
iPhone up in the corner.
You've got glasses on.
I can't see your name.
So you have to tell me who you are.
Yep, you.
You're coming in close.
That's me.
It's Diane.
Oh, okay.
Diane.
Okay, so here's my question.
First, I'll say that I've been here since March.
I'm a plotter.
So,
I've been a slow go, right?
Not in phase two.
I started the program phase one.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got to clarify that.
Okay.
Yeah.
So, but one thing I really appreciated is learning
and it's never too late to learn
about the different levels of dating
because I was under this crazy impression
that if you go out with somebody and you kind of connect
and all of a sudden you're exclusive
and then you jump into.
this thing. And of course, that doesn't really work very well.
But what I'm finding is, and I did drop the hanky with some guy
on online dating. And we've been, we've talked on the phone
several times, I suggested a video date, we haven't done that
yet. But um, we do a lot of messaging back and forth, which
I know is not a relationship. But the content of the way he
presents himself and our conversations. I, I'm starting
to feel like I'm starting to feel like an attachment toward
this guy. He lives in another.
Let me stop you real quick. How long have y'all been messaging?
Um, I don't, not two weeks yet. Maybe maybe just under two weeks
I'm going to say,
okay, and have you been texting every day in those two weeks?
Pretty much.
Okay. And so you're giving enough information? Are you giving
out information about your exes about hopes, dreams? So when you
text, what kind of conversation are you guys having for two
weeks?
Um, he's very, he jokes around a lot. And I joke around a lot
too. So but in those jokes, we kind of find out about each
other, like how we spend our time during the day. Um, you
know, things that he values, you know, like long term
friendships, you know, we kind of grew up
Do you know that he is who he says he is?
Um, well, now, we're Facebook friends now. Okay. So and so he
hasn't wanted to video have a video chat with you yet.
You know, he told me at first, he's never done that. So and
then he would need help doing it. And I tried to explain how
to do it.
Well, you guys are already Facebook friends, you can do
Facebook Messenger.
Yeah, I did. I mentioned that I mentioned that to him. So I'm
trying. I mean, the way I got him to call me was I said, you
know, um,
oh, so you've talked on the phone, at least
we have talked on the phone several times, you know, and I
just he's seeing he's, he's kind of a deep thinker. And he's,
yeah, I don't know how to explain.
I just want to make sure that you don't get too attached to
him before you have a face to face date with him. Because a
texting conversation is not a digital a digital relationship.
You guys is not a real relationship. It is so easy for
us to and I'm the queen of it. You guys, I can't tell you how
many fantasy lands I've been on with a text and relationship.
How far away do you guys live from each other?
Um, he lives? Yeah, I mean, it would be a plane ride. I live in
northern Oregon. He lives in southern Cal, way southern
California.
Okay, so all the more reason why you need to start logging video
time, because how else are you going to date this man? So you
know that the way that we discuss online dating, I mean,
online dating, right on distance dating, you guys, in general,
Jackie and I do not recommend texting for more than a week to
at the most before you get on either a phone call or a video
call, especially because he's long distance, you need to start
booking actual video conversation. It's the only way
you're going to get to see more of a three dimensional, you're
going to get to see body language, you're going to get to
see what he's like when he's looking at you when he's talking
to you, because you guys, I've had great texting conversations
with men that don't translate in real life, like they can't say
they can't pull two sentences together in real life. And so
you want to make sure that you're going to put your time
and energy into somebody now, again, to since it's long
distance, are you willing to move? Or is he? I mean, are you
willing to move? That's my first question.
Well, I'm retired. So the way I look at it is, I'm not going to
say it is. And I came up with this, I don't know if this is a
Holy Spirit thing, or this is just my own little thing. But I
was thinking, you know, a lot of people up here snowbird, you
know, and a lot of people where he lives think it's too hot in
the summer. So even I'm thinking, you know, theoretically
speaking, you know, two retired people can snowboard at each
other's homes. And you don't even have to sell your own home.
And you know what I mean? You can still live full time
together and maintain each other.
You're open to that. So when you guys first got connected, do you
know what he's looking for?
No, we didn't. We didn't really, you know, he didn't really come
right out.
Some of these guys are like I'm looking for a wife and they say that right off the bat, you know
I want to get married and no I will say I will say this Jackie will encourage you when you're talking about an online thing
You need to learn sooner than later what their intentions are
You have to be in it to win it for it to work
So like right now I'm in a season where if somebody wants to date me long-distance because of me being in school
Maybe not making a lot of money. They would need to be able to come to me
I don't have the money to get on a plane and go see him
so unless their butts can fly and see me twice a month like we're not gonna be able to date and so
You and I'm only saying all of this to you because I sound like you're talking to him every single day and you're saying you're starting
To have feelings I wouldn't be saying this to you if you were like, hey, I met this guy a couple weeks ago
We talk every few days. I'm still talking to other people and you sounded more nonchalant
But it sounds like you're starting to get attached
So if you're starting to get attached, then you need to be really prudent you need to find out
Like hey, I'm really starting to enjoy you don't want to see you're getting attached. I'm really starting to enjoy my time with you. I
Am looking to date somebody in real life. That's what I'm here for
You don't want to say I'm getting ready to get married, but I'm looking to date somebody in real life
Obviously you are long-distance for us to do this
we're gonna have to be we would have to be committed to doing some video dates and
Jackie and I also recommend that within six weeks of video dates that you need to start talking about who's coming
Like you don't want to be dating somebody
Longer than six weeks without knowing if they're gonna actually come see you. So
Encourage you to say like hey, you know, I'm just realizing I'm really enjoying my time with you, but this isn't really dating
Okay, I'm looking to date someone in real life
If that's something that you're interested in to we're gonna have to figure out this video thing. I do zoom
He can do Facebook messenger. He's got Facebook messenger on his computer his phone. There's a video feature right there
I don't always do a Facebook messenger if I'm not Facebook friends with somebody because then they find out my last name and all
that other crap
But I will if we're already on Facebook together, so I'm just gonna encourage you so by next week. I
Want to hear that you've talked a little bit with him about trying to see if he actually wants to date you and
Getting that video booked because that might completely turn you on or completely turn you off
Okay, and then my other part of that question then would be while I'm starting to form this a
Preference or attachment to him. I'm finding it hard to be open to other people
Even though I know that I should how do you do that? How do you well?
Well, you reduce especially with long-distance you reduce how often you're talking to them and how long that conversation is going on
Okay, so I would say if you're having if you're texting him and it's spanning across all day
Every single day a whole hour and a half texting conversation
There's no way you're not gonna get attached
So you have to limit how much you're talking to that and that's that's good for all of you guys
That's how you stay at level two. You don't like if you have video dates
You don't stay on that video date longer than an hour. I've broken every rule
So just so you're like, oh my gosh, she knows what to do
No, I don't I'm telling you what to do, but I'm not telling you that it's easy to do because it's super amazing
You're gonna be on the phone for three hours before you know it
But then there's no way you can be on the phone or the video for two to three hours without start to tell them
Deepest darkest secrets, right?
That's how you it. It's really the only way you can manage it as you're managing your time. Got it. Thank you Renee
That's sweetie
Hi, I think I need to ask you and other women who are maybe even older than you I
Look at these dating these guys and if they're more than X number of hours away
I figure if they've got bunches of pictures with them with their grandkids
They're probably not going to want to leave them any more than I want to leave my grandkids
and I'm not going to so
You don't know that you don't know that unless you ask
Okay, I would say this don't assume that but if he's long-distance kind of like what we just said with Diane
Yeah, it is. Okay on your first couple of video dates to be like, hey, you know what?
I'd like I noticed you seem to be totally all in with your grants and I'm totally in with mine like
You know, we're kind of at the age where you know, we don't want to waste each other's time
So is relocating or like she was talking about by coastal living
By coastal living is that something you're even open to?
Because you seem like a really cool guy, but like I don't want to take you away from your grant
I mean, you know I'm saying like how open to you are in your current location
I would argue at our age and I'm right there with you. I find that out sooner than later because like
Yeah, you know I've been I've been
Deselecting guys who are more than X number of miles away from me
Well, I would say you're counting yourself you don't assume that
Don't just because he's really close to his grandkids doesn't mean he can't make it work
He might be willing to like hey, you know
What can we spend summers at my hometown and I'll spend the rest of time with you or it might be 50-50
There's a couple that met in this community and they're doing 50-50 like one lives in Montana and one lives, Arizona
So they're gonna be toggling back and forth because they've got family in both and they're both retired
so why not like
Three months here then three months there than three months here. Why not like both homes are paid for why not?
Why not for me is because my son was really hurt when his dad
After we were divorced his dad moved from Minnesota to Washington and I kind of don't want to do that
I don't want to make your son again. Now. He's 30 plus 30. He's like 37
Okay, he was only 35 when this happened, okay, so he was I understand but he is a grown adult and so is he married
Yeah, well, he's actually
Separated. Okay, but does he have kids? Yeah. Okay. So he has a whole nother family system. So Stephanie
I'm just I'm not telling you you have to move but I am telling you that you not even being willing to talk to
Somebody where you see a bunch of grandkids or where you see a distance
You might be missing out on a really great he might be loaded and he can fly you back and forth
I'm just you just never know girlfriend. Okay. All right. I'll push it
No, you never know and if for nothing else practice dating, especially if your dating games a little loppy
Practice your dating game
So that's the way I look at it. Now. Some of you might be in a season like Renee. I've been there done that
I've done enough practice. I don't need the practice and I get that so if you're not getting enough practice
I'm gonna encourage you to be more willing
Yeah, okay and here's the thing God knows your heart
So he's not gonna ask you guys like Jackie always says this that he's not just finding a match for you
But he's Matt he's finding a match for your children, too
And so he's not gonna bring you a match that's not good for the whole family
and
you know and that was like my biggest thing with the last two men that I was serious with and Jackie and I were both
Like, you know Renee this is a God-defended and I did not know this
but the first guy that I was really serious with he was a widow and his adult children wanted nothing to do with him getting
remarried and
He was basically gonna choose me over them and I'm like they lost their mom
They can't lose you to like I can't be the thing that comes between the two of you
and then the last guy that I was with was in a season of being very estranged from his children and I realized I
Want kids like I want to be a bonus mom and a bonus grandma
So God's not gonna bring me somebody not with their kids all on board
And so God's not gonna do that to you Stephanie. He's not gonna make you choose between your children
He's just not God knows everything that's in your heart, Anita
Um, I just wanted to get some tidbits from you like in the first
50-minute video chat with someone or like, you know
Some first few casual encounters with men in the community you're in or whatever wherever your place like gym or whatever
How do you gauge whether that guy is?
Worthy for you to like maybe
No, I would drop a hanky like to know that all he's a masculine mature
I mean in the with a complete stranger you have no blessed clue. So you're just you're just practicing it out
And so if somebody like seems like okay
So here was that I met a guy at the gym in Connecticut when I was home visiting my mom. He was cute
He was probably way too young
He was probably yeah, probably not a good idea, but I thought
He like started flirting. He asked for my number. He's like, hey while you're in town, I'd love to take you to lunch
I was like, all right now. I don't know if he was a follower of Jesus or Satan
I mean, do you know what I'm saying?
I didn't know anything about this guy
But I was like, I'm willing to go talk to this guy and have coffee and find out like I'm not marrying him
So the only way you're gonna find out I need is if you actually
Talk to them. So if you have that kind of meet cute with a complete stranger
You really don't know and that's no different than an online date
Right a guy can put all like the guy that I almost was with you guys on paper
He was involved in this two men's groups a life group he went to church every week
He went to a midweek service. He volunteered at the church
But you guys he was a complete narcissist too, and he had so many other broken wounds and issues
I did not learn all of that until about two months into the relationship
But as soon as I learned it I put a stop to it, but that's also why I didn't have sex with him
This is why we talked about like no hanky-panky right away because I because I kept the clothes on I
was able to make healthy choices and I didn't have sex collared glasses on and
Y'all because he was hot and like we had a lot of chemistry and if I had done that
With him it might have not been so I would have totally rationalized it. So that's why we have you do level dating
It's discovery dating
You're getting to know people and you're not gonna always find out all that information in your first
Conversation and notice we were like, well, I just want to find out right away on that first date
I'm just gonna ask if he knows Jesus and does he want to have sex before he gets married like we just don't recommend that
We just feel like that's just like well now y'all I used to do that
I'm pretty sure I scared away a lot of guys. I used to date like I whipped out the dossier
And I just started firing with questions because I didn't want to waste any time
And I'm just learning that the Lord will allow you to unfold that stuff pretty quickly
If you ask good smart questions, like when I ask things like well, what do you do?
You know, what do you do every week?
Like what are the things that matter to you that are taking up the most amount of your time if they mentioned working out?
Going out with their friends and I don't hear anything about faith
I go hmm
So then I might say like, you know, tell me like gosh, you and I are both kind of older
We've been through hard times. What have you found that gets you through hard days? Like what is your go-to?
For me, it's my faith. It's fitness. It's this and they might say oh, well, I go to the gym
So if they start answering questions, and there's no God talk anywhere in the story
Then I'm like I'm starting to get a clue right I'm starting to get a clue and then I might say
You know, here's what I've noticed
I've noticed that I talked a little bit about my faith and you haven't talked about it at all
So is that a part of your story at all? Is this faith show up in your story at all?
I haven't mentioned Jesus yet. You know, I've been scared them away. Jesus. I'm like this faith show up in your story at all
And I'm like, oh well, I grew up, you know
I kind of grew up with my family like sometimes they'll go into their whole childhood and I'm like, all right
That's awesome. So what does that mean for you today? I
Don't really care that your your grandmother was a Baptist man, whatever like I want to know what does that mean for you today?
Well, you know, I really don't go to church
I'm like, okay still don't know I'm like so tell me so does faith show up for you in any other way besides church service?
Well, it really doesn't now for me. I've been in ministry for 30 years and I'm in seminary
That's not good enough for me. So I can handle a baby Christian
I can handle somebody who's sloppy with their church attendance
But if I get answers like, you know, I know Renee I read scripture every night still I pray but honestly since the divorce and since
Kovat I've been really sloppy with church attendance, but I really like this guy online like that would be enough for me
I would keep talking to that guy
But like I've been on dates where guys are like, oh my gosh, why are you asking that question? It's so personal
Okay, so if we if I asked you to pray together, that's probably gonna be a big fat. No
Whoopsie, I mean, so that's the thing Anita. You just don't know you guys and that's the whole goal of discovery dating
That's why you've got to find out those things, but you can't vomit that on the first conversation
So it doesn't matter like Renee. You're just saying don't assume just maybe find out more
Look, okay. I met this guy
I don't know if he's married now
I didn't have a chance but we had a you know
Longer conversation like 10 minutes and the whole time I was asking him questions and he was just sharing all about himself
I didn't even have a chance to share mine. So I'm like, well, I want to rule him out
But I'm like, well, you know, I need to kind of here's what happens when that happens
Sometimes it's because we're asking so many questions. We're not giving them a chance to ask us any questions
So I have been told by guys like I'm like, oh my gosh, why didn't you ask him any questions?
He's like, well, you didn't give me a chance because you were firing all the questions at me. So I was like, ooh
So now I'm learning to let silence happen
so if I'm on a date or I'm at the gym and if I realize if I stop quit if I stop asking questions and
The quest the conversation dies out then he's not interested
And I realized okay
So he was answering all the questions or he's just about himself or it is not a date
And so I wait to see you know
But if I'm on a date date, and he's not asking me any questions
I might pause and say hey, I know I've just bombarded you with a bunch of questions
Do you have any questions for me? And I have to be honest with you. I need brain sex
so if I give him the
Hanky at that point and I say do you have any questions for me if he's like?
Um, you know, like I'm kind of done with you too, because like, I need somebody to hold
some kind of conversation with me.
And so I will try to do that.
Sometimes I will give fun.
I will bring a deck of cards of fun questions to ask, and I'm like, all right, I've got
some fun, silly questions that we're both going to answer.
Do you mind?
Okay.
On this one, I'll let you go first on that one.
And this question, I'll go first.
So then I kind of do a banter thing, but I'll only do that on a date.
Like I bring like fun questions and then it's like fun, cause then I'm kind of forcing us
both to answer, but hopefully if it's a good day, you shouldn't have to work that hard
on the conversation going back and forth.
You know?
Okay, great.
Thank you.
Hopefully that helps.
All right.
You guys, it's at the bottom of the hour and Jackie's already told me I talk too long with
you guys.
I'm kidding.
I can talk all night with y'all.
It's so much fun.
But I do need to close this out.
So be thinking, feel free to ask questions throughout the week in the chat.
If it's a question I think I can answer easily, I will.
Remember Carla and I approve all the posts and we don't approve them until we have time
to answer them.
So we're usually the first ones to answer.
So that's why sometimes when you're waiting on a post, if I see a really long post and
I'm in passing, I'm like, I got to sit down and read that one so I can really have an
answer ready.
So as soon as I hit approve, I'm the first one that starts typing so that you know that
you're getting something from us.
Yeah, Janet, long distance is hard, man.
It's like, it's hard.
Like I've had a lot of men match up with me that I thought were a perfect match and they're
like, oh, you live in Tennessee?
Oh, that's too far away.
Here's what I type.
I go, well, you know what?
I work remote.
So for the right person, I'd be willing to move.
And if they type back, well, I know, but you know, that's just too far.
I just let it go because I get it.
Long distance dating is not for the faint of heart.
It's a pain and some people aren't in the mood to do it.
And so I just don't take it personal and I let it go.
All right.
Some of you are going to be, Carla, I know you're going to be hopping off to phase three.
I'm so excited that you were here tonight.
Go with God.
I know I will see you celebrating life in phase three.
If anybody else is leaving, it's been a joy and honor.
And you know, you got the love seats and the ask Jackie.
So that's the other way.
When you get to phase three, you can, there's going to be a tab for ask a coach.
You're going to be in the app, whether you're on Facebook or the app right now, phase three
is in the app.
And there's a tab in the section that says, ask a coach.
That's how you can ask coaches questions.
You can fill out the ask Jackie form or you can get in the love seats.
So there is a great way for you to continue to get great dating advice in phase three.
It's been a blessing and honor to be with you tonight.
Go with God.