WEBVTT

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All right, so welcome to session two,

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really session one of the Save Your Marriage

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Before It Starts course.

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We did go into a few modules last week, just a couple.

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I guess we did have a little bit of a hybrid

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of orientation slash the first session.

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Just so you guys know, in totality, it's six sessions,

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which includes the orientation session, okay?

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So this would be two, so we have four left.

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All right, so I wanna go ahead

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and jump right into our homework.

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After I pray, I'm gonna pray,

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and then we're gonna jump into our homework.

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And our homework was, you were to come up with three goals

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that you have for yourself, growing yourself

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as far as what you wanna find out about yourself,

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and or as a couple during the six weeks.

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And I want each couple to go and share one.

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And so, Father God, thank you.

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We're so thankful that we get to come here together tonight

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and we get to learn about you and about ourselves

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and about each other.

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And so, Lord, we ask that you would be with us,

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that you would speak to us and through us tonight

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as we dig into all of these different concepts

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of what it would look like to partner together.

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All these different ideas,

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all these different hypotheses, Lord,

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we just ask God that you would show us what we need to see,

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that there'd be a revealing for the purpose of healing

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in each and every heart, in Jesus' name, amen.

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All right, partnership, you guys,

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just so you know, it's great.

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It's fun, it's amazing, I love it.

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I love it, I love being married 17 years in.

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Does it have its down moments?

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Does it have its cons?

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Yeah, but I think that the pros so far outweigh the cons

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that you don't even really think about that.

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And so, you are definitely learning

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from someone who loves to be married.

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And I don't love to be married

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just because we do it all right all the time

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or because we're perfect,

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but just because this is God's divine design

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and we are going after it.

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So, we're gonna go ahead and start with,

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gonna go clockwise around.

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So, we'll go ahead and start with Terry.

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You guys, why don't you go first

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with your goal for the six weeks?

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What's your goal, Bruce?

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I guess we're so compatible, we didn't do our homework.

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No, I just say for me, it's been an ironic journey

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through this four months together

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that how compatible we are

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as far as similarities and compliments.

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We just kind of laugh, it's like, there's another one.

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But that also could lead to maybe blind spots.

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So, I'm looking forward to the course

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to see if there's any blind spots

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or areas we're overlooking.

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So far, there doesn't seem to be.

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We've had to work through some issues and whatnot

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and we've done a good job at it.

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Yeah.

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And for both of us,

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we were both married for 30 years before.

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So, it's fun to be excited about this again.

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Yeah.

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Okay, I love that.

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Okay, so your goal is to see where you guys

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might have some blind spots

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and or where you guys are complimentary opposites.

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Is that what you're saying?

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Okay.

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We haven't found too many opposites though.

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No?

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Got a lot in common?

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Yeah.

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All right.

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Okay.

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Right, that's great.

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Okay, Belinda, you guys are up next.

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Sure.

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I feel like we're all gonna have sort of those same ones.

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So, I'm gonna pick one of our three

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that may be less likely to be repeated.

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To get affirmation beyond our feelings

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that each other, that we're each other's person.

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And okay, so let me just kind of give a smart goal answer

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because those are smart goals or goals that you can measure.

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How would that be measured?

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Like how, what kind of evidence are we looking to find?

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Well, for me, it's some of it's sort of statistics

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and I'm an accountant, an analytical personality.

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So looking at things like our marriage momentum,

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the scores that we had in what we went over yesterday

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and how compatible we are,

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the number of things that we have in common.

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Similarities in, as we're kind of going through this,

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not that everything we're looking at

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we're complete opposites.

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We do have some areas that we have opposites,

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but we've been together for seven months dating now.

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Feelings are probably still a strong driver in our motivation to continue forward and

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just getting, getting affirmation that our feelings aren't the only thing that make will

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make for a long-term successful marriage.

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Good.

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No, that's great.

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Yeah.

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Do you definitely want to make sure that you have something more to build on than feelings?

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That is very wise.

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Like our analyst friends said, the math has to math.

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It's important.

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Um, I will tell you in the area of romantic relationship, I do believe that you follow

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your heart, but you take your head with you.

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You don't follow your head and take your heart with you.

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You follow your heart, but you take your head with you.

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And that's kind of what I hear him saying right now is we are following our hearts,

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but we need to, with wisdom, with our heads, you know, we need to, to see, Hey, um, beyond

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feelings, is this, is this compatible long-term, um, do we have something to build on here?

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And that's good.

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That's a good goal.

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I would, um, definitely encourage both of you to kind of ask yourself, what would that

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look like for me to have certainty beyond my feelings?

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Like what would need to happen?

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Maybe kind of measure that out a little bit.

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Right.

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Um, all right.

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Next up, Megan and Brian.

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Okay.

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Oh, what's going on everybody.

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Um, yeah, I think, um, I know Megan, we are, our last one was a pretty good one when we,

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when we talked, uh, over the weekend, uh, I just go from a, from a personal point of

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view.

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Um, I've just wrote a couple of things down, uh, just being in relationship with Megan

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and from past experience is, uh, learning to just be more comfortable being uncomfortable

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with new situations.

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Uh, Meg just definitely pushes me into a lot of new situations.

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So getting more comfortable with that, because that's also how you grow.

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You don't get, you don't grow being stagnant, um, how to best support her needs, um, how

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to have patience with conversations and continue building our foundation and not feeling overwhelmed

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with pacing and relationship, which when we started going over the Simbas report, uh,

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it was a little tough, uh, because we, you know, we had a couple of triggers.

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Um, so we're learning a lot about where that comes from.

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And I think even just life situations, things come up and I can be defensive, um, just based

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on past experiences, relationship.

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Um, I think it's just to protect myself and, and then it becomes like a distancing and

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then it takes a little bit of time to reconcile.

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And so I think that's one piece from a personal point of view, and then she can mention how

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we got into their relationship goals.

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Okay.

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Um, and then, so we wrote a few, but the, the one, so I just picked one to share.

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And so it's along those same lines, we want to learn how to have difficult conversations

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or conflict in a way that honors each other and doesn't hinder connection.

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I love it.

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Yes.

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Conflict.

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Conflict.

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You guys want to talk about communication?

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Um, we're going to really dig into that.

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Not tonight.

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Um, we're going to dig into, um, communicating when we aren't that happy, um, with each other

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or when we're in a fear response.

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That's another thing.

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Just because, uh, you're having some tense moments communicating doesn't necessarily

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mean that the other person is unhappy with you.

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Okay.

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A lot of times they're just in a fear response, whatever's happening right now in the conversation

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or in the situation is what I call poking their orphan, you know, we guys, we all have

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tendencies, uh, to fear rejection, fear, fear, fear, abandonment, fear, being controlled.

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Um, we all have different things that are not part of our divine identity.

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They're part of that cursed identity.

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Right.

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And, uh, sometimes you'll get two people in a relationship and they're great together,

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but their triggers will trigger each other.

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So they poke each other's orphan and then they start like freaking out because they're

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like, both of them are getting into a fear response.

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Um, David and I have done that many times.

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And so that's when it's important to know you, it's when you have your tool belt of

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heartwork or whatever inner healing y'all have access to where you stop and you think

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about what you're thinking about.

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You stop in that moment.

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If you have to take a break, we're going to talk about, uh, self-preservation techniques

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so you guys can see which, which, uh, which ones each other use.

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So when you see them using that, you immediately know that they're triggered.

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So if you see them withdrawing or you see them stonewalling or you see them, you know,

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fleeing, you know, you see them kind of running away or saying, Hey, I got to go, or I want

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to end the conversation or you see them, you know, there's a million of them.

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They're not a million, but there's, there's probably about.

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50 on the sheet that we're going to use.

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And when you see them doing that, then you know,

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hey, something's not right.

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They're dealing with something.

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This might not be bothering me, but it's bothering them.

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And it might not have anything to do with anything

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that y'all were talking about, anything that you were doing.

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You could be watching a movie and they're triggered

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by something in the movie and all of a sudden

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they become kind of like standoffish or argumentative

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or they're pulling away.

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It doesn't have to necessarily have to do

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with you or the relationship.

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And so being able to gauge each other in that way

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and give each other space when necessary,

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you're going to be able to talk in this class

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about what do I need from you when I'm like this?

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When I begin to have this overwhelm,

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what do I need you to do?

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Do I need you to come in closer and, you know,

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just give me a hug and tell me it's going to be all right?

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Or do I need you to back off?

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Give me some space.

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Do I need you to sit down and say, okay, I'm listening.

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Go ahead and talk.

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There's all different types of things your partner

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might need from you when they get into these places.

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And we're going to look at that, what that looks like.

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So you guys have, you know, a kit, a toolkit,

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a couple's toolkit of what you need to do for each other

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when each other get triggered.

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And you're going to, it's not about if, it's about when.

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All right?

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All right.

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And last but not least, Beth, it's your guys' turn.

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So those are great.

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Those are great goals.

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Everyone that shared goals, great goals.

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Ours is similar.

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I think the overall goal is like to know

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that we're in a good place to take the next step.

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But that's, I think, one of the main ways we can do it

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is identify and understand our main challenges

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to having a healthy marriage.

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That's all the attachment styles and triggers.

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And we want to learn tools to enable us

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to overcome those challenges

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and just identify what each other's needs are

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and what's a healthy way to meet those needs

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and unhealthy way, of course, to meet those needs.

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And just get ready to see if we're ready for the next step.

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Beth, you want to add anything?

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That's great.

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That's good.

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We worked on this together.

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Okay, good.

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Teamwork.

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I love it.

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Teamwork makes the dream work.

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So yeah, that's great.

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That is, that's exactly,

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these are the exact kind of goals

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00:12:23.840 --> 00:12:26.560
that we want all of you to have.

255
00:12:26.560 --> 00:12:29.920
And one of the things that you're going to learn

256
00:12:29.920 --> 00:12:31.040
during Symbus, hopefully,

257
00:12:31.040 --> 00:12:33.840
is to really make space for the other person

258
00:12:33.840 --> 00:12:36.360
because none of us suffer the same.

259
00:12:36.360 --> 00:12:38.440
You know, none of us, when we're going through something,

260
00:12:38.440 --> 00:12:41.000
and you know, it doesn't look the same on anybody.

261
00:12:41.000 --> 00:12:43.200
And so it's important to understand, you know,

262
00:12:43.200 --> 00:12:46.960
that the best scripture that I could ever give someone

263
00:12:46.960 --> 00:12:48.760
for success in marriage would be

264
00:12:48.760 --> 00:12:50.360
the scripture in Corinthians that says,

265
00:12:50.360 --> 00:12:53.480
don't seek to understand, don't seek to be understood,

266
00:12:53.480 --> 00:12:54.960
seek to understand.

267
00:12:54.960 --> 00:12:57.720
That love doesn't seek to be understood,

268
00:12:57.720 --> 00:12:59.060
it seeks to understand.

269
00:12:59.060 --> 00:13:02.640
Now, both people are seeking,

270
00:13:02.640 --> 00:13:06.120
instead of, listen to me, you know, it's all about me.

271
00:13:06.120 --> 00:13:08.060
If both people are seeking to understand

272
00:13:08.060 --> 00:13:09.560
where the other person's coming from

273
00:13:09.560 --> 00:13:11.160
and what they're going through

274
00:13:11.160 --> 00:13:14.200
and what their suffering is like,

275
00:13:14.200 --> 00:13:17.720
then both people are getting understood, aren't they?

276
00:13:18.720 --> 00:13:21.440
If each person is seeking to understand

277
00:13:21.440 --> 00:13:24.680
rather than looking out for themselves to be understood,

278
00:13:24.680 --> 00:13:27.160
then both people get understood.

279
00:13:27.160 --> 00:13:28.760
Isn't that the way it will work?

280
00:13:30.000 --> 00:13:31.920
And so that's, I think, the best,

281
00:13:31.920 --> 00:13:34.080
one of the best things that I could share

282
00:13:34.080 --> 00:13:36.400
just early on when we're talking about

283
00:13:36.400 --> 00:13:38.000
what you guys are talking about right now

284
00:13:38.000 --> 00:13:42.400
as far as seeing whether or not this dog can hunt, right?

285
00:13:43.480 --> 00:13:44.440
Can we go the distance?

286
00:13:44.440 --> 00:13:46.240
Can we go all the way?

287
00:13:46.240 --> 00:13:49.160
All right, you guys, I think that we're missing some couples.

288
00:13:49.160 --> 00:13:50.840
I don't know if some new couples signed up.

289
00:13:51.200 --> 00:13:52.640
I'm just looking in the Symbus group right now

290
00:13:52.640 --> 00:13:56.160
and it looks like there's a couple that signed up

291
00:13:56.160 --> 00:13:58.800
maybe three hours ago.

292
00:13:58.800 --> 00:14:02.520
So we definitely do not have, I think it's Candace and Tim.

293
00:14:02.520 --> 00:14:05.480
And so hi, Candace and Tim in replay.

294
00:14:05.480 --> 00:14:10.480
If you're not gonna be here tonight,

295
00:14:10.760 --> 00:14:12.440
maybe they will pop in.

296
00:14:12.440 --> 00:14:15.280
And then unfortunately, y'all, we had a couple break up.

297
00:14:17.840 --> 00:14:20.720
We had a couple break up, Margie and Scott.

298
00:14:21.560 --> 00:14:25.240
We had them call off their engagement and that's fair

299
00:14:25.240 --> 00:14:29.040
because they were here to see whether or not

300
00:14:29.040 --> 00:14:30.800
they really were compatible.

301
00:14:30.800 --> 00:14:32.360
They had only known each other

302
00:14:32.360 --> 00:14:35.080
for just about a month, y'all.

303
00:14:35.080 --> 00:14:38.280
So sometimes people, they get engaged quickly

304
00:14:38.280 --> 00:14:40.640
and as long as the engagement's gonna be long,

305
00:14:40.640 --> 00:14:42.480
I told you guys, if you're gonna have a short courtship,

306
00:14:42.480 --> 00:14:44.200
long engagement.

307
00:14:44.200 --> 00:14:46.600
If you're gonna have a long engagement,

308
00:14:46.600 --> 00:14:49.720
then probably get to engagement a little bit quicker, right?

309
00:14:49.760 --> 00:14:51.720
Short courtship, long engagement.

310
00:14:52.800 --> 00:14:56.400
And then a long courtship, maybe a shorter engagement.

311
00:14:56.400 --> 00:14:59.400
So they decided that they really weren't that compatible.

312
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:02.120
and that they really didn't want the same things.

313
00:15:02.120 --> 00:15:02.960
And you know what?

314
00:15:02.960 --> 00:15:04.280
That's all right.

315
00:15:04.280 --> 00:15:05.120
That's okay.

316
00:15:05.120 --> 00:15:07.280
And that's what this class is about, of course,

317
00:15:07.280 --> 00:15:09.320
is digging deeper into those things.

318
00:15:09.320 --> 00:15:11.920
And so I think that we do have one more couple

319
00:15:11.920 --> 00:15:13.280
that looks like that are gonna be joining us

320
00:15:13.280 --> 00:15:15.240
this time around, but for whatever reason,

321
00:15:15.240 --> 00:15:16.080
they're not here.

322
00:15:16.080 --> 00:15:17.580
I hope that they got the link.

323
00:15:17.580 --> 00:15:20.980
And if not, they'll be listening and replay.

324
00:15:20.980 --> 00:15:21.960
So let's go ahead and jump in.

325
00:15:21.960 --> 00:15:25.000
I'm gonna go ahead and share my CIMBUS report.

326
00:15:25.000 --> 00:15:27.480
Y'all's homework was page five,

327
00:15:27.480 --> 00:15:30.960
which is our social support area.

328
00:15:30.960 --> 00:15:34.640
And then I wanted you to do the context of expectations,

329
00:15:34.640 --> 00:15:37.280
seven, and then remarriage and blending family,

330
00:15:37.280 --> 00:15:38.400
which is 7A.

331
00:15:38.400 --> 00:15:39.920
I don't think that that really has to do

332
00:15:39.920 --> 00:15:41.400
with too many people in here,

333
00:15:41.400 --> 00:15:43.320
but we'll go ahead and talk about it tonight.

334
00:15:43.320 --> 00:15:45.760
All right, so I'm gonna go ahead and share my screen.

335
00:16:28.480 --> 00:16:30.200
All right, and I'm back.

336
00:16:30.200 --> 00:16:31.640
Okay, everyone see my screen?

337
00:16:34.160 --> 00:16:35.000
All right, let's dig in.

338
00:16:35.000 --> 00:16:38.080
So I'm a firm believer that strong marriages

339
00:16:38.080 --> 00:16:41.240
are made within strong family and strong community.

340
00:16:41.240 --> 00:16:42.480
And when I say the word family,

341
00:16:42.480 --> 00:16:45.520
I don't just mean biological family or origin family.

342
00:16:45.520 --> 00:16:48.040
I mean, the people that you call family,

343
00:16:48.040 --> 00:16:50.640
the people that you have decided to do life with.

344
00:16:51.520 --> 00:16:54.600
When I got married, I was estranged from my family.

345
00:16:54.600 --> 00:16:56.760
I grew up in foster care.

346
00:16:56.800 --> 00:16:59.440
And so I was emancipated at 17 years old.

347
00:16:59.440 --> 00:17:02.200
So I didn't really come from a strong origin family.

348
00:17:02.200 --> 00:17:06.240
And so that, a lot of people would feel handicapped

349
00:17:06.240 --> 00:17:09.960
by that kind of background or past.

350
00:17:09.960 --> 00:17:14.960
But I met Jesus in my 20s, my early 20s, 22 years old.

351
00:17:16.040 --> 00:17:18.160
And the people that came around me

352
00:17:18.160 --> 00:17:21.480
during that part of my life became family to me.

353
00:17:21.480 --> 00:17:24.400
And so God has been really kind

354
00:17:25.280 --> 00:17:27.760
to fulfill the scripture in my life that says,

355
00:17:27.760 --> 00:17:31.760
He takes the solitary and He places them in family.

356
00:17:31.760 --> 00:17:34.360
And so that is what this context is all about.

357
00:17:34.360 --> 00:17:36.680
Who do you have in your corner?

358
00:17:36.680 --> 00:17:38.720
Who claps when you win?

359
00:17:38.720 --> 00:17:40.920
Who cares about what happens to you?

360
00:17:40.920 --> 00:17:43.520
Who's going to check up on you

361
00:17:43.520 --> 00:17:46.000
if you disappear off the face of the earth?

362
00:17:46.000 --> 00:17:49.800
If you're not at work or not at church or not,

363
00:17:49.800 --> 00:17:52.200
who are those people that you do life with?

364
00:17:52.200 --> 00:17:56.760
And you want to have social support for your relationship.

365
00:17:57.880 --> 00:17:58.720
You do.

366
00:17:58.720 --> 00:18:00.040
And you want to have family,

367
00:18:01.480 --> 00:18:03.880
or the friends that you call family support

368
00:18:03.880 --> 00:18:05.520
for your relationship as well.

369
00:18:05.520 --> 00:18:09.440
And I will tell you that at this juncture in relationship,

370
00:18:09.440 --> 00:18:12.160
all of you should be meeting each other's people.

371
00:18:12.160 --> 00:18:14.120
And when I say each other's people,

372
00:18:14.120 --> 00:18:16.840
I don't just mean each other's mothers and fathers,

373
00:18:16.840 --> 00:18:18.120
if they're still living.

374
00:18:18.120 --> 00:18:19.480
I mean, each other's people,

375
00:18:19.480 --> 00:18:22.840
the people that you want to really take a good look

376
00:18:22.840 --> 00:18:25.480
at this person that you're falling in love with

377
00:18:25.480 --> 00:18:28.400
and tell you what they think because you trust them.

378
00:18:29.600 --> 00:18:31.520
You trust them, right?

379
00:18:31.520 --> 00:18:34.400
You know that they have your best interest at heart,

380
00:18:34.400 --> 00:18:35.680
you know, and you trust them.

381
00:18:35.680 --> 00:18:38.320
Now for, I know that we have some older couples here.

382
00:18:38.320 --> 00:18:42.560
Is anyone not have any parents alive on the earth?

383
00:18:43.600 --> 00:18:45.760
I know my mom's already passed away.

384
00:18:45.760 --> 00:18:47.080
I'm only 49.

385
00:18:47.080 --> 00:18:49.200
You don't have any parents.

386
00:18:49.880 --> 00:18:52.400
Everybody else has parents still of some sort.

387
00:18:52.400 --> 00:18:54.960
Siblings, raise your hand if you have siblings.

388
00:18:56.720 --> 00:18:58.240
Okay, all right.

389
00:18:58.240 --> 00:19:00.120
Raise your hand if you have children.

390
00:19:02.400 --> 00:19:04.560
And now a lot of people raised their hands just now.

391
00:19:04.560 --> 00:19:07.560
Raise your hand if you have any kids that are under 18.

392
00:19:08.520 --> 00:19:09.640
Anybody?

393
00:19:09.640 --> 00:19:11.520
All right, so everyone has adult children.

394
00:19:11.520 --> 00:19:13.480
Raise your hand if you have grandchildren.

395
00:19:13.480 --> 00:19:15.120
Can I see those hands?

396
00:19:15.120 --> 00:19:16.560
All right, got a few grandbabies.

397
00:19:16.560 --> 00:19:17.760
They're the best, right?

398
00:19:17.760 --> 00:19:18.960
Are they the best?

399
00:19:19.720 --> 00:19:20.560
I'm a young grandma, I'm so excited.

400
00:19:20.560 --> 00:19:22.800
I have twin grandbabies that are two years old

401
00:19:22.800 --> 00:19:24.120
and it's the best.

402
00:19:24.120 --> 00:19:25.480
It's the best thing in the world.

403
00:19:25.480 --> 00:19:29.360
Okay, all right, so let's go through this context.

404
00:19:29.360 --> 00:19:32.280
First question, supportive friends and family

405
00:19:32.280 --> 00:19:35.560
and the friends that you call family for your relationship.

406
00:19:35.560 --> 00:19:36.920
And you see here that Chris and Tony

407
00:19:36.920 --> 00:19:39.280
both have their little avatar.

408
00:19:39.280 --> 00:19:42.960
So on this scale,

409
00:19:42.960 --> 00:19:44.960
one little avatar might be all the way back here

410
00:19:44.960 --> 00:19:47.400
while one may be all the way over here, right?

411
00:19:47.400 --> 00:19:50.640
So both of them are at a complete 10.

412
00:19:50.640 --> 00:19:51.480
Both of them say,

413
00:19:51.480 --> 00:19:53.440
hey, we have all the support in the world

414
00:19:53.440 --> 00:19:55.680
from our friends and family.

415
00:19:55.680 --> 00:19:56.520
What about you guys?

416
00:19:56.520 --> 00:19:57.680
Let's share.

417
00:19:57.680 --> 00:19:59.880
What did you guys get in response to that?

418
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:02.720
First one.

419
00:20:02.720 --> 00:20:04.360
I had a nine.

420
00:20:04.360 --> 00:20:07.000
So I feel like I have a great deal of support

421
00:20:07.000 --> 00:20:09.120
from my friends and family.

422
00:20:09.120 --> 00:20:12.080
And who has he met already?

423
00:20:12.080 --> 00:20:14.760
He's met just about everybody.

424
00:20:14.760 --> 00:20:16.280
I've drug him everywhere.

425
00:20:16.280 --> 00:20:19.000
And because I've never been married,

426
00:20:19.000 --> 00:20:23.320
I have a lot of great girlfriends, like four.

427
00:20:23.320 --> 00:20:26.080
And then I just had a giant family reunion.

428
00:20:26.080 --> 00:20:27.600
And we dated over the holidays.

429
00:20:27.600 --> 00:20:30.360
So he's met just about everybody in my life.

430
00:20:30.360 --> 00:20:32.200
And it's been a lot of people.

431
00:20:32.200 --> 00:20:34.240
But he's like me.

432
00:20:34.240 --> 00:20:38.720
Yeah, not a strong family unit, similar to you.

433
00:20:38.720 --> 00:20:41.960
It sort of disintegrated.

434
00:20:41.960 --> 00:20:44.600
Not close with my brothers, but we love each other.

435
00:20:44.600 --> 00:20:45.920
But we're just not close.

436
00:20:45.920 --> 00:20:48.880
And they live 150 miles away.

437
00:20:48.880 --> 00:20:50.320
And I just don't get to see them.

438
00:20:50.320 --> 00:20:52.920
Just lost my dad.

439
00:20:52.920 --> 00:20:53.720
I'm sorry.

440
00:20:53.720 --> 00:20:55.600
Yeah.

441
00:20:55.600 --> 00:20:56.520
Church is tough.

442
00:20:56.520 --> 00:20:57.560
I've changed churches.

443
00:20:57.560 --> 00:20:58.840
I've been in ministry.

444
00:20:58.840 --> 00:21:02.040
And churches have broken and split.

445
00:21:02.040 --> 00:21:05.600
It seems like your friends just get left behind.

446
00:21:05.600 --> 00:21:07.440
And it gets weird or whatever.

447
00:21:07.440 --> 00:21:11.920
And being a single guy, I've been single for 22 years,

448
00:21:11.920 --> 00:21:14.400
been more ministry-minded.

449
00:21:14.400 --> 00:21:15.320
It's really tough.

450
00:21:15.320 --> 00:21:17.960
People just don't befriend single guys,

451
00:21:17.960 --> 00:21:22.120
even though you have great times at church and at home groups.

452
00:21:22.120 --> 00:21:24.480
If they're married, most men do not

453
00:21:24.520 --> 00:21:27.720
reach out to single guys and have them at their home.

454
00:21:27.720 --> 00:21:32.960
I've had two couples that I can remember that really

455
00:21:32.960 --> 00:21:35.120
wanted to spend time with me.

456
00:21:35.120 --> 00:21:37.600
And it's just, I don't know whose fault that is.

457
00:21:37.600 --> 00:21:41.040
But that's just kind of how it's worked out.

458
00:21:41.040 --> 00:21:44.600
And the church I'm at now, I'm very close with the pastor.

459
00:21:44.600 --> 00:21:48.600
But they have, everyone seems to have really, really young kids.

460
00:21:48.600 --> 00:21:50.840
And their lives are absolute chaos.

461
00:21:50.840 --> 00:21:52.960
So just don't get to spend the same amount of time

462
00:21:52.960 --> 00:21:53.760
with them anymore.

463
00:21:53.760 --> 00:21:56.040
So that's probably something I've fallen short.

464
00:21:56.040 --> 00:21:58.840
I probably shouldn't be at the level I am.

465
00:21:58.840 --> 00:22:00.960
What is that, an eight or seven?

466
00:22:00.960 --> 00:22:03.600
It probably should be lower.

467
00:22:03.600 --> 00:22:06.560
And that was really one of our struggles kind of early on.

468
00:22:06.560 --> 00:22:08.400
Because I felt like I had all these people.

469
00:22:08.400 --> 00:22:11.000
And I always thought the guy I would marry

470
00:22:11.000 --> 00:22:12.400
would have all these people.

471
00:22:12.400 --> 00:22:14.360
And we'd have all these great people together.

472
00:22:14.360 --> 00:22:16.880
And it was the opposite.

473
00:22:16.880 --> 00:22:17.720
And it was hard.

474
00:22:17.720 --> 00:22:20.400
That was kind of one of our struggles.

475
00:22:20.400 --> 00:22:24.960
I was nervous that I would have to fill something

476
00:22:24.960 --> 00:22:28.280
that I felt like other people should fill

477
00:22:28.280 --> 00:22:30.200
in his life and his heart.

478
00:22:30.200 --> 00:22:31.960
I mean, I wanted to be there.

479
00:22:31.960 --> 00:22:36.360
But I didn't want to be a single person.

480
00:22:36.360 --> 00:22:38.560
Right, you want your person to have people.

481
00:22:38.560 --> 00:22:40.040
You want them to have people.

482
00:22:40.040 --> 00:22:42.080
And you want to be able to meet those people,

483
00:22:42.080 --> 00:22:44.640
so that those people can vouch for your person

484
00:22:44.640 --> 00:22:48.200
and tell you that your person is who you think they are, right?

485
00:22:48.200 --> 00:22:49.680
And so you want all those things.

486
00:22:49.680 --> 00:22:51.280
But you're right.

487
00:22:51.280 --> 00:22:54.000
One of the biggest gaps that there is,

488
00:22:54.000 --> 00:22:56.680
especially in Christian community, is singles.

489
00:22:56.680 --> 00:22:58.480
A lot of singles complain that they just,

490
00:22:58.480 --> 00:23:01.200
especially older singles over the age of 40,

491
00:23:01.200 --> 00:23:04.960
like who can we be friends with?

492
00:23:04.960 --> 00:23:07.080
Like who wants to hang out with us?

493
00:23:07.080 --> 00:23:09.720
Or church is not having gatherings

494
00:23:09.720 --> 00:23:12.360
where single people can do life together.

495
00:23:12.360 --> 00:23:15.600
And so that has been a big situation.

496
00:23:15.600 --> 00:23:16.800
So all right, so good.

497
00:23:16.800 --> 00:23:19.000
So it sounds like we're at 10 and 7.

498
00:23:19.000 --> 00:23:20.320
That's great.

499
00:23:20.320 --> 00:23:23.640
Anybody else want to share their numbers?

500
00:23:23.640 --> 00:23:26.800
Yeah, I would like to share a little bit on that.

501
00:23:26.800 --> 00:23:29.040
OK.

502
00:23:29.040 --> 00:23:30.440
I think this is actually something

503
00:23:30.440 --> 00:23:33.200
we've talked about and pretty interesting

504
00:23:33.200 --> 00:23:34.160
with our perspective.

505
00:23:34.160 --> 00:23:36.560
So we both are, I think Meg was a 10.

506
00:23:36.560 --> 00:23:37.480
I think it was a 9.

507
00:23:37.480 --> 00:23:40.120
So we're pretty high, pretty close to supportive friends

508
00:23:40.120 --> 00:23:41.000
and family.

509
00:23:41.000 --> 00:23:46.400
So for me, family has always been the biggest thing.

510
00:23:46.400 --> 00:23:47.920
The Hispanic culture.

511
00:23:48.000 --> 00:23:50.760
It's like our compass.

512
00:23:50.760 --> 00:23:54.840
And living with my parents has been a blessing

513
00:23:54.840 --> 00:23:56.760
and just spending more time.

514
00:23:56.760 --> 00:23:58.680
And so they mean a lot to me.

515
00:23:58.680 --> 00:24:03.400
And so just being back home and helping with things

516
00:24:03.400 --> 00:24:05.680
and just spending more time and then

517
00:24:05.680 --> 00:24:07.960
having my own schedule with things

518
00:24:07.960 --> 00:24:10.160
means a lot that I have that time.

519
00:24:10.160 --> 00:24:12.600
And I think one of the things that we

520
00:24:12.600 --> 00:24:17.520
haven't got to, me and Meg, is that my friend

521
00:24:17.520 --> 00:24:20.560
cycle has been really transitional over seasons.

522
00:24:20.560 --> 00:24:24.600
And so family has always been the backbone.

523
00:24:24.600 --> 00:24:28.480
And I think during the pandemic time,

524
00:24:28.480 --> 00:24:30.640
I really, for a few years after that,

525
00:24:30.640 --> 00:24:33.360
really just kept myself very independent.

526
00:24:33.360 --> 00:24:38.160
And I think it takes time for me to trust people

527
00:24:38.160 --> 00:24:40.040
and to let people in.

528
00:24:40.040 --> 00:24:43.080
So I've never really had big friends groups.

529
00:24:43.080 --> 00:24:45.080
Maybe right now there's a couple that I really

530
00:24:45.080 --> 00:24:47.520
want to continue spending time with.

531
00:24:47.520 --> 00:24:50.240
That's some of the notes that I wrote down about social support.

532
00:24:52.880 --> 00:24:57.440
And I think for me, it was almost like the opposite.

533
00:24:57.440 --> 00:25:00.880
Meg has a very big supportive community.

534
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:06.240
And, you know, she has so many great, awesome people that she wants to invite, too, and

535
00:25:06.240 --> 00:25:10.800
it's awesome and, like, just so loving and warming.

536
00:25:10.800 --> 00:25:16.920
And I think at first, for me, I was taken by surprise because, like, this is what I've

537
00:25:16.920 --> 00:25:21.320
been kind of searching for, like, trying to find people I can fit in with or people I

538
00:25:21.320 --> 00:25:22.840
could just continue being myself.

539
00:25:22.840 --> 00:25:30.160
And so it's been nice being welcomed for people in her life that are important to her.

540
00:25:30.160 --> 00:25:34.360
And that, you know, these people could play a role in our lives moving forward.

541
00:25:34.360 --> 00:25:39.320
So but I know for, like, for me personally, like, I know there's certain friends that

542
00:25:39.320 --> 00:25:43.680
I also want to be investing in that I have to as well.

543
00:25:43.680 --> 00:25:46.040
And that's more like a personal thing that I also have to do.

544
00:25:46.040 --> 00:25:51.680
So then eventually, like, I want to introduce them to her as well.

545
00:25:51.680 --> 00:25:54.360
So, I don't know, for me, like, my pacing is very slow.

546
00:25:54.360 --> 00:26:00.600
So, like, just recently, I met my family July 4th, because I was already, like, feeling

547
00:26:00.600 --> 00:26:03.080
very serious and ready to take that step.

548
00:26:03.080 --> 00:26:06.680
And so, I don't know, I just go very slow, I guess, with relationships, just because

549
00:26:06.680 --> 00:26:09.800
of my past and just taking things gradually.

550
00:26:09.800 --> 00:26:13.120
Yeah, sometimes that's wisdom.

551
00:26:13.120 --> 00:26:20.000
So it sounds like you're saying, Brian, that you have the family relationships and, you

552
00:26:20.000 --> 00:26:24.040
know, and Megan, because I know who Megan's friends are, because I've ministered at her

553
00:26:24.040 --> 00:26:26.440
church three times, three years in a row.

554
00:26:26.440 --> 00:26:30.520
And so she has a huge community of friends.

555
00:26:30.520 --> 00:26:32.880
That church is a very family kind of church.

556
00:26:32.880 --> 00:26:35.880
I mean, they meet you once and, you know, they bring you in.

557
00:26:35.880 --> 00:26:39.920
They're like, now you're our person.

558
00:26:39.920 --> 00:26:42.680
And so and I appreciate that.

559
00:26:42.680 --> 00:26:48.120
And okay, so it sounds like that you guys are, you guys both have people, it's just

560
00:26:48.120 --> 00:26:49.440
kind of a different kind of people.

561
00:26:49.880 --> 00:26:54.200
Now, are you saying, Brian, did you, did you, are you one of the kind of millennials that

562
00:26:54.200 --> 00:26:57.680
ended up going home to help their parents, like during the COVID lockdown and just kind

563
00:26:57.680 --> 00:26:58.680
of stayed?

564
00:26:58.680 --> 00:27:00.680
Like, is that the transition?

565
00:27:00.680 --> 00:27:08.320
No, I've been home since I graduated college, so in 2016, just because, like, you know,

566
00:27:08.320 --> 00:27:13.040
you're in a lot of debt and just wanted to, you know, I had some financial goals that

567
00:27:13.040 --> 00:27:14.040
I wanted to achieve.

568
00:27:14.040 --> 00:27:17.080
And then other projects came up with life.

569
00:27:17.080 --> 00:27:22.000
Little by little has been very helpful, because then it took away, you know, some of my financial

570
00:27:22.000 --> 00:27:25.160
burdens that I've had student debt to be in a better situation.

571
00:27:25.160 --> 00:27:31.960
And that's been really the big thing, just, you know, just be more, build a better foundation

572
00:27:31.960 --> 00:27:32.960
after college.

573
00:27:32.960 --> 00:27:37.680
And then I think as time goes on, it's like, okay, like, now I've gotten to the idea where

574
00:27:37.680 --> 00:27:41.480
like, oh, maybe, maybe I could see, like, I didn't, I never looked at marriage in a

575
00:27:41.480 --> 00:27:43.360
positive way, to be honest.

576
00:27:43.360 --> 00:27:49.880
And I think meeting Meg and like seeing things, and like you talked about refinement, that's

577
00:27:49.880 --> 00:27:53.480
kind of what I feel like has been going through my life this this year.

578
00:27:53.480 --> 00:27:54.480
That's great.

579
00:27:54.480 --> 00:27:55.480
That's good.

580
00:27:55.480 --> 00:28:03.080
You guys, in the in the olden days, you know, people didn't move far away from home, right?

581
00:28:03.080 --> 00:28:08.440
And you know, my adult children, I have children that are as old as 30 ish, you know, 29 years

582
00:28:08.440 --> 00:28:09.440
old.

583
00:28:09.440 --> 00:28:15.560
And all of our children have, at some point in time, been living at home, including my

584
00:28:15.560 --> 00:28:19.880
daughter's fiance, just recently, because of the same types of reasons that Brian is

585
00:28:19.880 --> 00:28:25.860
talking about, just trying to pay off student debt, and just getting a good launch in life

586
00:28:25.860 --> 00:28:33.880
by being able to really utilize the strength of the family, right, and what the family

587
00:28:33.880 --> 00:28:34.880
has to offer.

588
00:28:34.880 --> 00:28:37.840
And so that is something that we definitely want to see happening, right?

589
00:28:37.840 --> 00:28:39.700
Does anyone else want to share on one?

590
00:28:39.700 --> 00:28:45.840
Because if we don't, then we're going to go to my relationship with my in-laws, or my

591
00:28:45.840 --> 00:28:51.940
potential in-laws is what it really should be.

592
00:28:51.940 --> 00:28:56.360
Anyone have any like weird numbers on friends and family where one of you is way over here

593
00:28:56.360 --> 00:28:57.880
and the other one's way over here?

594
00:28:57.880 --> 00:29:01.040
Does anyone want to share anything on that first one?

595
00:29:01.040 --> 00:29:04.480
No, she's on the relationship with my in-laws.

596
00:29:04.480 --> 00:29:06.480
No, the first one.

597
00:29:07.120 --> 00:29:10.640
Yeah, we were both really 9 and 10 on that one.

598
00:29:10.640 --> 00:29:17.240
Did anyone have anyone that you're close to, or that you appreciate in your life, really

599
00:29:17.240 --> 00:29:20.960
not like the other person when you introduced them?

600
00:29:20.960 --> 00:29:25.640
Or just like kind of raise some questions like, are you sure, and aren't you going a

601
00:29:25.640 --> 00:29:30.120
little too fast, or like any kind of static like that?

602
00:29:30.120 --> 00:29:32.960
Beth, you raised your hand.

603
00:29:32.960 --> 00:29:34.880
I have a close girlfriend.

604
00:29:34.880 --> 00:29:36.320
Neither one of us have ever been married.

605
00:29:37.160 --> 00:29:40.240
Actually, she's in your course, Jackie.

606
00:29:40.240 --> 00:29:46.400
And it was a real challenge with her because this started happening for me, and it wasn't

607
00:29:46.400 --> 00:29:48.440
happening for her.

608
00:29:48.440 --> 00:29:54.760
And Jill was great, but she found a lot of flaws that, I don't know, maybe she focused

609
00:29:54.760 --> 00:29:55.760
on.

610
00:29:55.760 --> 00:30:00.000
And so she was probably one of the most-

611
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:04.560
challenging relationships since we've started.

612
00:30:04.560 --> 00:30:05.400
Yeah.

613
00:30:05.400 --> 00:30:07.680
And I think that's pretty understandable, but yeah.

614
00:30:07.680 --> 00:30:08.520
It was hard to get-

615
00:30:08.520 --> 00:30:10.080
It actually happens a lot.

616
00:30:10.080 --> 00:30:12.240
It happens a lot, right?

617
00:30:12.240 --> 00:30:14.000
It's kind of like, I write about it in the heart work,

618
00:30:14.000 --> 00:30:16.960
the crabs in the bucket kind of idea, you know,

619
00:30:16.960 --> 00:30:18.960
where it's like, yeah.

620
00:30:18.960 --> 00:30:22.380
So, and so what we wanna do is we wanna make sure

621
00:30:22.380 --> 00:30:26.600
that we're discerning what is someone else, you know,

622
00:30:26.600 --> 00:30:28.640
maybe a little FOMO on their part,

623
00:30:28.640 --> 00:30:32.240
maybe they don't want to lose the relationship.

624
00:30:32.240 --> 00:30:35.440
I've seen this run the gamut of people like

625
00:30:35.440 --> 00:30:38.000
what Beth's talking about, where they're in the same boat

626
00:30:38.000 --> 00:30:39.360
and they don't want you to get out of the boat

627
00:30:39.360 --> 00:30:41.560
because then they're gonna be in the boat by themselves.

628
00:30:41.560 --> 00:30:42.880
You know, they want you to be happy,

629
00:30:42.880 --> 00:30:44.920
but they also want you to be with them, you know?

630
00:30:44.920 --> 00:30:47.800
And then there's other dynamics of, you know,

631
00:30:47.800 --> 00:30:49.120
maybe your parents are aging

632
00:30:49.120 --> 00:30:51.440
and they don't want you to move far away.

633
00:30:51.440 --> 00:30:52.760
You're dating someone long distance

634
00:30:52.760 --> 00:30:54.440
and they're afraid that you might actually move

635
00:30:54.440 --> 00:30:56.600
and be with that person instead of staying,

636
00:30:56.600 --> 00:30:57.440
you know, where they are.

637
00:30:57.440 --> 00:30:59.320
You guys, there's all kinds of dynamics.

638
00:30:59.320 --> 00:31:02.440
And so it's important that while we want the support

639
00:31:02.440 --> 00:31:06.560
of friends and family, if someone is being unsupportive,

640
00:31:06.560 --> 00:31:08.600
but you're rationally unsupportive,

641
00:31:08.600 --> 00:31:11.720
then we really are able to discern what's behind that.

642
00:31:11.720 --> 00:31:12.560
Right?

643
00:31:14.000 --> 00:31:16.120
So if we have eight people that we really respect

644
00:31:16.120 --> 00:31:18.960
and care about that are like, yeah, green light.

645
00:31:18.960 --> 00:31:22.400
And then we have one that's like, no, I don't like it.

646
00:31:23.400 --> 00:31:26.000
It could be because they're just afraid.

647
00:31:26.000 --> 00:31:28.320
They're afraid of losing you, losing your attention.

648
00:31:28.320 --> 00:31:29.680
They're afraid of you moving away.

649
00:31:29.680 --> 00:31:32.080
They're afraid of all kinds of things.

650
00:31:32.080 --> 00:31:35.160
All right, so potential in-laws or out-laws,

651
00:31:35.160 --> 00:31:38.280
whatever that may be, you know,

652
00:31:38.280 --> 00:31:40.040
one of the hardest things I will say

653
00:31:40.040 --> 00:31:43.440
as a woman who's married now is just really being able

654
00:31:43.440 --> 00:31:47.360
to hold the tension between honoring my father and mother

655
00:31:47.360 --> 00:31:48.440
that didn't, you know,

656
00:31:48.440 --> 00:31:50.880
that really kind of abandoned me in my youth

657
00:31:50.880 --> 00:31:55.880
and also being able to tell my now husband,

658
00:31:56.120 --> 00:31:58.920
but at the time, my boyfriend, my fiance,

659
00:31:58.920 --> 00:32:01.880
you know, about my story,

660
00:32:01.880 --> 00:32:06.200
but also without making him not like them.

661
00:32:07.880 --> 00:32:10.200
You know, because I was holding space

662
00:32:10.200 --> 00:32:11.960
for there to be revival in my family,

663
00:32:11.960 --> 00:32:14.680
for there to be reconciliation and restoration,

664
00:32:14.680 --> 00:32:19.080
for my family to meet Jesus and become Christians.

665
00:32:19.080 --> 00:32:21.360
And I just wanna let you know that all of that happened.

666
00:32:21.360 --> 00:32:24.080
So being honoring and being respectful,

667
00:32:24.080 --> 00:32:26.560
also, while sometimes you have to have no contact

668
00:32:26.560 --> 00:32:28.320
if people are literally that unsafe,

669
00:32:28.320 --> 00:32:32.560
and I have had that, I have had that story in my life,

670
00:32:32.560 --> 00:32:34.480
but my mom, before she passed away,

671
00:32:34.480 --> 00:32:37.680
she became a Jesus lover

672
00:32:37.680 --> 00:32:39.560
and she really gave her heart to Jesus,

673
00:32:39.560 --> 00:32:41.680
got a lot of restoration, a lot of inner healing,

674
00:32:41.680 --> 00:32:43.840
some outer healing, some great things.

675
00:32:43.840 --> 00:32:48.440
Her husband, you know, met Jesus and became a believer.

676
00:32:48.440 --> 00:32:51.720
Their son, who's my, essentially my younger brother,

677
00:32:51.720 --> 00:32:52.880
but we weren't raised together.

678
00:32:52.880 --> 00:32:55.120
He's only 36 years old now.

679
00:32:55.120 --> 00:32:56.320
He became a believer.

680
00:32:56.320 --> 00:32:58.480
You guys, all kinds of crazy stuff happened.

681
00:32:58.480 --> 00:33:01.800
And so how do you hold that tension

682
00:33:01.800 --> 00:33:05.240
when meeting people who were abusive or unkind to you,

683
00:33:05.240 --> 00:33:07.640
or maybe even have mental health issues?

684
00:33:07.640 --> 00:33:09.040
How much do you share?

685
00:33:09.040 --> 00:33:10.560
How much don't you share?

686
00:33:10.560 --> 00:33:12.560
Because remember, this person doesn't have that bond

687
00:33:12.560 --> 00:33:13.400
to them.

688
00:33:13.400 --> 00:33:17.000
You don't wanna make that person not like these people,

689
00:33:17.000 --> 00:33:18.960
you know, or have some kind of offense

690
00:33:18.960 --> 00:33:20.920
or beef with them, right?

691
00:33:20.920 --> 00:33:22.880
So does anyone have that kind of scenario

692
00:33:22.880 --> 00:33:24.280
where you're like, eh, you know,

693
00:33:24.280 --> 00:33:25.640
these people are a little cray cray.

694
00:33:25.640 --> 00:33:27.280
I'm gonna introduce you to them maybe,

695
00:33:27.280 --> 00:33:31.080
but I don't wanna tell you where all the bodies are buried.

696
00:33:31.960 --> 00:33:33.480
Anybody?

697
00:33:33.480 --> 00:33:34.320
Megan.

698
00:33:34.320 --> 00:33:35.920
Okay, great.

699
00:33:35.920 --> 00:33:39.280
So you guys, always in love, you know,

700
00:33:39.280 --> 00:33:41.080
I've always found that it's important

701
00:33:41.080 --> 00:33:44.200
to kind of give the 30,000 foot overview

702
00:33:44.200 --> 00:33:45.560
without getting into the nitty gritty,

703
00:33:45.560 --> 00:33:46.840
unless it's necessary.

704
00:33:48.520 --> 00:33:50.120
Because I'm just gonna tell you one thing.

705
00:33:50.120 --> 00:33:51.920
My current husband, you know,

706
00:33:51.920 --> 00:33:54.600
cause you guys know I got married at 20 and I got divorced.

707
00:33:54.600 --> 00:33:56.000
I wasn't, I didn't know Jesus.

708
00:33:56.000 --> 00:33:58.600
It was a bad, I should not have done that.

709
00:33:58.600 --> 00:33:59.640
Getting married that young

710
00:33:59.640 --> 00:34:01.160
and getting married to who I married.

711
00:34:01.160 --> 00:34:05.960
But David comes from a really great family.

712
00:34:05.960 --> 00:34:07.760
Okay, he's an only child.

713
00:34:07.760 --> 00:34:11.000
He's like, you know, comes from a really great family.

714
00:34:11.000 --> 00:34:13.199
And so there's some of my stories

715
00:34:13.199 --> 00:34:15.239
that he wouldn't be able to handle.

716
00:34:15.239 --> 00:34:17.400
Like it would keep him up at night.

717
00:34:17.400 --> 00:34:19.639
Okay, it'd be like watching a horror movie.

718
00:34:20.159 --> 00:34:22.639
And so it's important that I understand that.

719
00:34:22.639 --> 00:34:25.159
And so I told him just, you know, from the beginning,

720
00:34:25.159 --> 00:34:27.639
hey babe, listen, you know,

721
00:34:27.639 --> 00:34:28.480
I'm gonna tell you anything

722
00:34:28.480 --> 00:34:30.080
that I think is important for you to know,

723
00:34:30.080 --> 00:34:35.080
but you know, also your tender heart may not be able to,

724
00:34:35.360 --> 00:34:37.840
you know, handle some of the things that I've been through.

725
00:34:37.840 --> 00:34:40.880
So over the course of our 17 year marriage,

726
00:34:40.880 --> 00:34:42.719
he's learned more and more and more and more

727
00:34:42.719 --> 00:34:46.040
about the things that I experienced as a child

728
00:34:46.040 --> 00:34:48.239
and as an adolescent and as a teenager.

729
00:34:48.280 --> 00:34:50.880
And every time it's made him cry.

730
00:34:50.880 --> 00:34:52.560
It's just broken his heart for me,

731
00:34:52.560 --> 00:34:54.520
for that younger version of me.

732
00:34:54.520 --> 00:34:56.000
But I feel like I just wanna say

733
00:34:56.000 --> 00:34:57.800
that it kind of got spaced out.

734
00:34:57.800 --> 00:35:00.080
It didn't all get just put upon him.

735
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:06.240
coming from a good family, not understanding how people live like that, right?

736
00:35:06.240 --> 00:35:07.520
And so it's been good.

737
00:35:07.520 --> 00:35:11.240
And it's been helpful in how we parent our children together, because, you know, I'm

738
00:35:11.240 --> 00:35:14.040
street smart.

739
00:35:14.040 --> 00:35:18.920
And and he also and he and he comes from just a good Christian family.

740
00:35:18.920 --> 00:35:22.000
So he has that background to bring to the table.

741
00:35:22.000 --> 00:35:27.000
So in-laws, outlaws, who has met each other's parents?

742
00:35:27.000 --> 00:35:30.000
Let's see hands.

743
00:35:30.000 --> 00:35:33.800
Okay, so coming here.

744
00:35:33.800 --> 00:35:36.200
So both of you have met each other's parents.

745
00:35:36.200 --> 00:35:37.200
His dad just passed away.

746
00:35:37.200 --> 00:35:39.400
Did you get a chance to meet him before he passed?

747
00:35:39.400 --> 00:35:41.600
I've never met.

748
00:35:41.600 --> 00:35:47.480
My dad passed right after a few months after we met, and his mom died.

749
00:35:47.480 --> 00:35:50.040
And her mom died saying you're my mom.

750
00:35:50.040 --> 00:35:52.440
So just one dad and he's met him.

751
00:35:52.440 --> 00:35:55.280
Okay, your father, Beth, and he's met him.

752
00:35:55.280 --> 00:35:58.120
And both moms passed away and dad's passed away.

753
00:35:58.120 --> 00:35:59.120
Okay.

754
00:35:59.120 --> 00:36:00.120
Yes.

755
00:36:00.120 --> 00:36:01.120
All right.

756
00:36:01.120 --> 00:36:02.120
Okay.

757
00:36:02.120 --> 00:36:03.120
And then Brian and Megan.

758
00:36:03.120 --> 00:36:04.120
Megan, you raised your hand.

759
00:36:04.120 --> 00:36:05.120
Did you raise your hand?

760
00:36:05.120 --> 00:36:06.120
Yeah, I've met.

761
00:36:06.120 --> 00:36:08.160
Yes, he's meeting mine in September, but they live far away.

762
00:36:08.160 --> 00:36:10.880
So that's why it's taking off.

763
00:36:10.880 --> 00:36:11.880
Okay.

764
00:36:11.880 --> 00:36:12.880
But you met his parents?

765
00:36:12.880 --> 00:36:13.880
Yes.

766
00:36:13.880 --> 00:36:14.880
Okay.

767
00:36:14.880 --> 00:36:15.880
Awesome.

768
00:36:15.880 --> 00:36:18.760
And Belinda.

769
00:36:18.760 --> 00:36:19.760
He's met my parents.

770
00:36:19.760 --> 00:36:23.880
And but I and he has a mom living still, but I haven't met her yet.

771
00:36:23.880 --> 00:36:24.880
She's in another state.

772
00:36:25.480 --> 00:36:26.480
She's in and in hospice.

773
00:36:26.480 --> 00:36:27.480
Yeah.

774
00:36:27.480 --> 00:36:29.360
And my dad died 32 years ago.

775
00:36:29.360 --> 00:36:30.360
So.

776
00:36:30.360 --> 00:36:31.360
Oh, wow.

777
00:36:31.360 --> 00:36:32.360
And your mom's in hospice.

778
00:36:32.360 --> 00:36:33.360
Okay.

779
00:36:33.360 --> 00:36:35.920
So have you guys like FaceTimed anything?

780
00:36:35.920 --> 00:36:39.720
Have you just done anything at all or no, not yet.

781
00:36:39.720 --> 00:36:40.720
Okay.

782
00:36:40.720 --> 00:36:41.720
With my mom.

783
00:36:41.720 --> 00:36:44.160
No, I she knows about Belinda.

784
00:36:44.160 --> 00:36:45.160
My mom does.

785
00:36:45.160 --> 00:36:47.160
But I don't think she is.

786
00:36:47.160 --> 00:36:50.880
Well, she's probably too prideful to be seen this way.

787
00:36:50.880 --> 00:36:51.880
Oh, yeah.

788
00:36:51.880 --> 00:36:52.880
No.

789
00:36:52.880 --> 00:36:53.880
Yeah.

790
00:36:53.880 --> 00:36:54.880
Yeah.

791
00:36:54.880 --> 00:36:55.880
Yeah.

792
00:36:55.880 --> 00:36:56.880
Yeah.

793
00:36:56.880 --> 00:36:57.880
Yeah.

794
00:36:57.880 --> 00:36:58.880
That makes sense.

795
00:36:58.880 --> 00:36:59.880
Yeah.

796
00:36:59.880 --> 00:37:00.880
Yes.

797
00:37:00.880 --> 00:37:01.880
All right.

798
00:37:01.880 --> 00:37:02.880
Terry.

799
00:37:02.880 --> 00:37:03.880
What about you guys?

800
00:37:03.880 --> 00:37:04.880
We've met both our parents.

801
00:37:04.880 --> 00:37:09.360
So both my parents are living and I just have my dad.

802
00:37:09.360 --> 00:37:13.360
And actually, our parents, our parents live closer together than we do.

803
00:37:13.360 --> 00:37:14.360
Yeah.

804
00:37:14.360 --> 00:37:15.360
Oh, really?

805
00:37:15.360 --> 00:37:16.360
Awesome.

806
00:37:16.360 --> 00:37:23.680
So did your parents do what we engage with both sets of parents on at least once every

807
00:37:23.680 --> 00:37:24.680
other week?

808
00:37:24.680 --> 00:37:27.560
Very much part of our social events.

809
00:37:27.560 --> 00:37:28.560
Yeah.

810
00:37:28.560 --> 00:37:29.560
Okay.

811
00:37:29.560 --> 00:37:31.560
Now, does anyone report?

812
00:37:31.560 --> 00:37:32.760
You know, on this scale?

813
00:37:32.760 --> 00:37:36.400
Did anyone have a low number as far as their their relationship?

814
00:37:36.400 --> 00:37:41.160
I mean, Brian, that's not not applicable for you because you haven't met anyone in for

815
00:37:41.160 --> 00:37:43.560
anyone else, Belinda, that you haven't met either.

816
00:37:43.560 --> 00:37:46.680
But for those of you that have met, did you feel like it went well?

817
00:37:46.680 --> 00:37:48.440
Megan, you met Brian's parents.

818
00:37:48.440 --> 00:37:49.920
Did you guys all feel like it went well?

819
00:37:49.920 --> 00:37:50.920
Yeah, it went well.

820
00:37:50.920 --> 00:37:52.720
I just have to keep we have a language barrier.

821
00:37:52.760 --> 00:37:55.760
So I just have to keep working on Oh, really?

822
00:37:55.760 --> 00:37:56.760
Okay.

823
00:37:56.760 --> 00:37:57.760
So yeah.

824
00:37:57.760 --> 00:38:01.360
So so Spanish, Spanish is first language.

825
00:38:01.360 --> 00:38:05.360
So Megan's on the journey to become an honorary Hispanic woman.

826
00:38:05.360 --> 00:38:07.080
I love it.

827
00:38:07.080 --> 00:38:08.080
She has all the traits.

828
00:38:08.080 --> 00:38:09.360
She has all the traits for it.

829
00:38:09.360 --> 00:38:13.680
So every day, she's closer and closer coming over.

830
00:38:13.680 --> 00:38:15.680
You do have all the traits for it.

831
00:38:15.680 --> 00:38:16.680
Oh, my gosh.

832
00:38:16.680 --> 00:38:21.600
I accidentally told his dad I had two brothers and two sisters because apparently be pronounced

833
00:38:21.640 --> 00:38:23.960
the last letter wrong.

834
00:38:23.960 --> 00:38:24.960
Changes.

835
00:38:24.960 --> 00:38:25.960
There you go.

836
00:38:25.960 --> 00:38:26.960
All right.

837
00:38:26.960 --> 00:38:28.960
Already making stuff up.

838
00:38:28.960 --> 00:38:29.960
Okay.

839
00:38:29.960 --> 00:38:30.960
That's wonderful.

840
00:38:30.960 --> 00:38:31.960
Okay.

841
00:38:31.960 --> 00:38:32.960
All right.

842
00:38:32.960 --> 00:38:35.080
So sounds like everyone's doing good on these.

843
00:38:35.080 --> 00:38:36.080
Okay.

844
00:38:36.080 --> 00:38:37.440
Network of mutual friends.

845
00:38:37.440 --> 00:38:40.120
Anyone have any mutual friends?

846
00:38:40.120 --> 00:38:44.000
Now, guys do.

847
00:38:44.000 --> 00:38:46.080
Yeah, we do.

848
00:38:46.080 --> 00:38:47.920
We have mutual friends.

849
00:38:47.920 --> 00:38:50.920
And we Yeah.

850
00:38:50.920 --> 00:38:54.480
One of the things that I think we are both looking for, though, and hopefully to get

851
00:38:54.480 --> 00:38:56.200
through this spring was just couple friends.

852
00:38:56.200 --> 00:38:59.680
All of our friends are seeing a lot of our friends are singles, I should say, our mutual

853
00:38:59.680 --> 00:39:01.320
friends are seeing.

854
00:39:01.320 --> 00:39:06.680
So just looking to build that community of couple friends as well.

855
00:39:06.680 --> 00:39:07.680
I love that.

856
00:39:07.680 --> 00:39:10.080
And you know, you hopefully everyone has a friend.

857
00:39:10.080 --> 00:39:11.760
Does anyone here not even have a friend?

858
00:39:11.760 --> 00:39:16.720
You don't if you if you had to call a friend, right?

859
00:39:16.720 --> 00:39:21.360
Right now, does everyone have someone they could call that they consider a friend?

860
00:39:21.360 --> 00:39:22.360
Okay.

861
00:39:22.360 --> 00:39:25.760
So both of you have friends.

862
00:39:25.760 --> 00:39:29.040
And then you might have some mutual friends, Belinda was reporting that you got they have

863
00:39:29.040 --> 00:39:30.040
mutual friends.

864
00:39:30.040 --> 00:39:35.760
But what you have to do as a couple is you have to start making, like she said, friends

865
00:39:35.760 --> 00:39:38.120
that only know you together.

866
00:39:38.120 --> 00:39:39.480
Right?

867
00:39:39.480 --> 00:39:43.600
As you go forward in relationship, they're going to have their people, you're going to

868
00:39:43.600 --> 00:39:46.600
have your people, you might have a couple people in common.

869
00:39:46.680 --> 00:39:50.880
But you want to make new people, you want to make friends with new people, people that

870
00:39:50.880 --> 00:39:58.280
they're going to meet you as, you know, the two of you together, makes sense.

871
00:39:58.280 --> 00:40:00.040
They're going to meet you as Megan and Brandon.

872
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:04.760
Ryan, they're gonna, that's what's gonna happen.

873
00:40:04.760 --> 00:40:07.520
And so, and how do you do that?

874
00:40:07.520 --> 00:40:08.840
You might ask.

875
00:40:08.840 --> 00:40:11.600
Doing things that you like and enjoy.

876
00:40:11.600 --> 00:40:12.760
Like you like to play pickleball,

877
00:40:12.760 --> 00:40:15.680
you might meet another couple at the pickleball court.

878
00:40:15.680 --> 00:40:17.160
Right?

879
00:40:17.160 --> 00:40:20.920
You, you know, you enjoy whatever it is that you enjoy.

880
00:40:20.920 --> 00:40:21.920
That's where you're gonna meet people.

881
00:40:21.920 --> 00:40:24.920
You might go to a conference and meet another couple there.

882
00:40:24.920 --> 00:40:27.760
You might, we're gonna talk about spirituality.

883
00:40:27.760 --> 00:40:29.600
It's probably gonna be our last class,

884
00:40:29.600 --> 00:40:33.360
but a lot of times you might try to find a church together.

885
00:40:33.360 --> 00:40:35.080
Both people might leave their churches.

886
00:40:35.080 --> 00:40:36.960
You might try to find a church together.

887
00:40:36.960 --> 00:40:39.200
And so like, say you're church shopping, so to speak,

888
00:40:39.200 --> 00:40:40.840
you know, you're visiting around at churches

889
00:40:40.840 --> 00:40:42.360
and that's where you might meet people.

890
00:40:42.360 --> 00:40:44.600
There's all different ways that you can meet people.

891
00:40:44.600 --> 00:40:47.640
And I wanna encourage you to meet people that know you.

892
00:40:47.640 --> 00:40:49.080
They don't know you separately.

893
00:40:49.080 --> 00:40:51.120
They know you as a couple.

894
00:40:51.120 --> 00:40:51.960
Cool?

895
00:40:51.960 --> 00:40:52.800
All right.

896
00:40:52.800 --> 00:40:55.200
So social support from your faith community.

897
00:40:55.200 --> 00:40:57.040
Does everyone have a faith community?

898
00:40:57.040 --> 00:40:59.400
I know that you mentioned, you know, that it's, you know,

899
00:41:00.080 --> 00:41:03.080
you have one now, you're close to the pastor, small kids.

900
00:41:04.960 --> 00:41:06.280
Can you remind me of what your name is?

901
00:41:06.280 --> 00:41:07.280
I'm sorry.

902
00:41:07.280 --> 00:41:08.120
Joe.

903
00:41:08.120 --> 00:41:09.400
Beth and?

904
00:41:09.400 --> 00:41:10.880
Yeah, Joe.

905
00:41:10.880 --> 00:41:12.000
Joe.

906
00:41:12.000 --> 00:41:16.360
And that has its obstacles too, this situation.

907
00:41:16.360 --> 00:41:17.840
He's my pastor.

908
00:41:17.840 --> 00:41:19.000
He's a bit younger.

909
00:41:19.000 --> 00:41:21.960
I met him in a former church that split.

910
00:41:21.960 --> 00:41:23.160
And anyway, here we are.

911
00:41:24.440 --> 00:41:26.160
And I'm heavily involved.

912
00:41:26.160 --> 00:41:27.800
I teach a Bible study.

913
00:41:27.800 --> 00:41:31.120
I do AV, my daughter's involved

914
00:41:31.120 --> 00:41:33.880
and she does not like the church.

915
00:41:33.880 --> 00:41:35.680
I don't like his church.

916
00:41:37.280 --> 00:41:38.120
So I don't-

917
00:41:38.120 --> 00:41:38.960
What don't you like about Beth?

918
00:41:38.960 --> 00:41:39.800
Because you're just-

919
00:41:39.800 --> 00:41:41.360
Rattlesnake.

920
00:41:41.360 --> 00:41:46.000
It is, so I was raised Pentecostal,

921
00:41:46.000 --> 00:41:47.960
which I know you can appreciate.

922
00:41:47.960 --> 00:41:50.960
So I like a charismatic church.

923
00:41:50.960 --> 00:41:53.280
What I do every Sunday is I watch Elevation,

924
00:41:53.280 --> 00:41:54.400
which is Steven Furtick.

925
00:41:54.400 --> 00:41:55.320
I don't know if you know who he is,

926
00:41:55.320 --> 00:41:57.240
but I watch him every Sunday.

927
00:41:58.440 --> 00:41:59.920
I tried to go to Joe's church.

928
00:41:59.920 --> 00:42:02.840
It was actually how I reintroduced myself to him,

929
00:42:02.840 --> 00:42:05.080
but it's very small.

930
00:42:05.080 --> 00:42:07.360
It's very quiet.

931
00:42:09.560 --> 00:42:10.680
Not a lot of demonstrators.

932
00:42:10.680 --> 00:42:15.680
Yeah, it just has nothing at all to kind of draw me.

933
00:42:15.880 --> 00:42:18.880
Now we talked a lot about if we move forward,

934
00:42:18.880 --> 00:42:19.880
how's this gonna look?

935
00:42:19.880 --> 00:42:23.000
Because we definitely both want to go to church together,

936
00:42:23.000 --> 00:42:25.160
but it's been an issue so far.

937
00:42:25.160 --> 00:42:27.240
Well, let me, can I weigh in on that?

938
00:42:28.400 --> 00:42:32.240
Okay, so nobody is gonna get everything

939
00:42:32.240 --> 00:42:36.160
that they need spiritually from one place, okay?

940
00:42:36.160 --> 00:42:40.480
Or from one spiritual community or from one day a week.

941
00:42:40.480 --> 00:42:45.480
And so when my daughter and her fiance got married,

942
00:42:49.600 --> 00:42:51.840
my daughter, she goes to a Bethel church,

943
00:42:51.840 --> 00:42:52.800
if you guys know what that is.

944
00:42:52.800 --> 00:42:55.840
So it's more charismatic, like what Beth is talking about.

945
00:42:55.840 --> 00:42:58.640
But her fiance is the grandson

946
00:42:58.640 --> 00:43:03.640
of an intern Baptist missionary, okay?

947
00:43:08.240 --> 00:43:09.800
So kind of real different.

948
00:43:09.800 --> 00:43:12.640
And so he doesn't really love the Bethel flow.

949
00:43:12.640 --> 00:43:13.960
And so when they got married,

950
00:43:13.960 --> 00:43:15.360
this is the advice I gave them.

951
00:43:15.360 --> 00:43:16.800
It's really working for them

952
00:43:16.800 --> 00:43:18.920
and maybe it'll work for all of you as well.

953
00:43:18.920 --> 00:43:20.400
We'll talk more about this, like I said,

954
00:43:20.400 --> 00:43:22.200
when we get into spirituality.

955
00:43:22.200 --> 00:43:24.600
But I said, what the most important thing

956
00:43:24.600 --> 00:43:27.800
for both of you right now is community.

957
00:43:27.800 --> 00:43:30.640
Community is the most important thing for you right now.

958
00:43:30.640 --> 00:43:35.040
And so my daughter has a really great community

959
00:43:35.040 --> 00:43:36.200
there at the church.

960
00:43:36.200 --> 00:43:37.480
There's a lot of people their age.

961
00:43:37.480 --> 00:43:40.640
There's a lot of young married couples their age.

962
00:43:40.640 --> 00:43:43.360
And so they're doing life with those folks.

963
00:43:43.360 --> 00:43:44.400
And guess what?

964
00:43:44.400 --> 00:43:47.600
They're also going to a Bible study on Tuesday nights

965
00:43:47.600 --> 00:43:51.040
that's not at the church, that's someplace else.

966
00:43:51.040 --> 00:43:53.080
So they're getting the different things they need

967
00:43:53.080 --> 00:43:53.960
from different places.

968
00:43:54.320 --> 00:43:56.600
Does that make sense to everybody?

969
00:43:56.600 --> 00:43:59.560
And so I would really suggest thinking about that.

970
00:43:59.560 --> 00:44:00.920
It's not one and done.

971
00:44:02.800 --> 00:44:04.880
It's not, it doesn't have to be that way.

972
00:44:04.880 --> 00:44:06.960
You might have a cell group or a home group

973
00:44:06.960 --> 00:44:08.720
that you really enjoy.

974
00:44:08.720 --> 00:44:10.560
And it might be a bunch of people

975
00:44:10.560 --> 00:44:12.520
that you don't even go to church with anymore.

976
00:44:12.520 --> 00:44:14.120
Maybe it was a home group or cell group

977
00:44:14.120 --> 00:44:16.360
that you joined two churches ago,

978
00:44:16.360 --> 00:44:17.840
but you still hang out with those people

979
00:44:17.840 --> 00:44:19.320
and you do life with them and you still,

980
00:44:19.320 --> 00:44:21.120
that's part of your spiritual community.

981
00:44:21.120 --> 00:44:23.520
And so it doesn't have to be just one building

982
00:44:23.560 --> 00:44:24.760
and one group of people.

983
00:44:24.760 --> 00:44:25.880
That's what I want to tell you.

984
00:44:25.880 --> 00:44:27.600
For all of you that have grown kids,

985
00:44:27.600 --> 00:44:30.280
have your grown kids met and kind of signed off

986
00:44:30.280 --> 00:44:32.400
on your other people here?

987
00:44:32.400 --> 00:44:34.880
Did anyone get any static from any of their grown kids?

988
00:44:34.880 --> 00:44:37.640
Anyone not meet anyone's children yet?

989
00:44:39.080 --> 00:44:41.240
I haven't met his sons yet.

990
00:44:41.240 --> 00:44:43.480
He's met my son and my grandson

991
00:44:43.480 --> 00:44:46.360
and they both signed off on him.

992
00:44:46.360 --> 00:44:47.200
And my-

993
00:44:47.200 --> 00:44:48.400
And how old-

994
00:44:48.400 --> 00:44:49.680
Go ahead.

995
00:44:49.680 --> 00:44:53.200
Well, I was going to say both my kids live closer to you

996
00:44:53.880 --> 00:44:55.600
than they do us here in California.

997
00:44:56.880 --> 00:45:00.040
But we have plans to go visit my oldest son.

998
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:02.000
In October.

999
00:45:02.000 --> 00:45:05.000
Okay, that's good.

1000
00:45:05.000 --> 00:45:11.000
Right. And you guys technology can always FaceTime can always, you know, do something like that.

1001
00:45:11.000 --> 00:45:19.000
All right. Does anyone feel like their faith community is not supportive.

1002
00:45:19.000 --> 00:45:34.000
Well, I'm, I'm in a position where we're a newer church well probably older than we should be at this point we haven't appointed elders but I am like first in line for that.

1003
00:45:34.000 --> 00:45:39.000
Oh no, dating someone who doesn't hasn't. She doesn't come to church with me.

1004
00:45:39.000 --> 00:45:43.000
And I've been dating her for 10 months.

1005
00:45:43.000 --> 00:45:50.000
Oh no, this is yeah this is an oh no, not sure what to do.

1006
00:45:50.000 --> 00:45:59.000
Well I mean I'm sure that because you're friends with the pastor you've explained to him that you know she just likes a more demonstrative.

1007
00:45:59.000 --> 00:46:07.000
I've not told it. I've not happened. I think he gets there's something going on, because she has.

1008
00:46:07.000 --> 00:46:16.000
And, and he's so just, you know, he has the kids, he still reaches out to me all the time. We trade.

1009
00:46:16.000 --> 00:46:27.000
Yeah, Ram reels and stuff and we talk every week, sometimes listen if you think there's a possibility that you're not going to be there for sounds like almost like a church plant.

1010
00:46:27.000 --> 00:46:45.000
But if you think you're not going to be able to be leading there and be part of leadership, then that would be something that you probably want to want to discuss as a couple and begin to kind of slowly.

1011
00:46:45.000 --> 00:46:54.000
You know, kind of, you know, start looking for what you're going to do as a couple where you're going to go once again does not be one building doesn't have to be one group of people.

1012
00:46:54.000 --> 00:47:04.000
You know, you're on board with you know him. You know when you're when you're part of a church plan or a smaller church and you're seen as leadership that takes a lot of time and energy, and eventually is going to take even more time and energy.

1013
00:47:04.000 --> 00:47:18.000
Trust me I've been on staff at plenty of churches. And so that's something you have to really discuss as a couple because, you know, if you do, like you said, if we do have that I'm first in line well if you do become first in line and you become that kind

1014
00:47:18.000 --> 00:47:24.000
of person, then your wife not coming to your church probably will not be well thought of.

1015
00:47:24.000 --> 00:47:29.000
No one may ever say anything, but they'll think it.

1016
00:47:29.000 --> 00:47:32.000
They'll think it doesn't feel like an option.

1017
00:47:33.000 --> 00:47:44.000
So, I would begin to think, think about what is it y'all want in that area and we're going to get there like I said we'll dig into that. So you guys if we can move on to the expectations page.

1018
00:47:44.000 --> 00:47:53.000
And these are, in my opinion, these are pretty generic and they're very much based on gender roles or traditional gender roles.

1019
00:47:54.000 --> 00:48:02.000
I feel like instead of marriage ever for God ever intending marriage to be a waltz.

1020
00:48:02.000 --> 00:48:04.000
Anybody dance.

1021
00:48:04.000 --> 00:48:21.000
Anybody know anything about dancing in a waltz, there's, there's a there's a defined leader in that okay it is a dance where the leader leads in the other person follows, and usually historically, the person leading in the waltz is a man.

1022
00:48:21.000 --> 00:48:30.000
And so in a way, religion has made us look at marriage, where the man's the leader he's leading in a woman's just kind of following along.

1023
00:48:30.000 --> 00:48:44.000
I believe that the marriage that God designed in the garden because I've dug into those scriptures of what the word woman really meant the word easier is in there y'all that word means that you know God as warrior has come to our rescue when he said

1024
00:48:44.000 --> 00:48:51.000
Adam needs help. He wasn't saying that Adam needed a maid and a cook he was saying, Adam needs a co warrior.

1025
00:48:51.000 --> 00:49:01.000
Right, that's really what he was saying. And so I believe that modern marriage should look like God's original design and I believe that that's more like West Coast swing.

1026
00:49:01.000 --> 00:49:18.000
Have you ever seen anyone do West Coast swing, both partners are bringing so much to the table they're bringing so much creativity and talent and ingenuity, both of them at one point in time, maybe look like they're leading as the other one the complimentary

1027
00:49:18.000 --> 00:49:29.000
opposite is is seamlessly moving along with them and it just becomes this big beautiful incredible phenomena to watch. And I believe that that's what our marriages can look like.

1028
00:49:29.000 --> 00:49:52.000
Now we can get into if y'all want to into the scripture of the Jesus, or Christ, man woman, child, kind of idea that umbrella, but that's more of a covering plan that's more of an insurance plan that's a protective kind of situation going on there.

1029
00:49:52.000 --> 00:50:00.000
Right. And so men, when you have an easier in your life. I may be foolish of you actually not to listen to what she has to say.

1030
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:04.400
and what she's intuitively sensing in situations.

1031
00:50:04.400 --> 00:50:07.840
So coming into a place where you can respect each other

1032
00:50:07.840 --> 00:50:09.120
and really respect what each other

1033
00:50:09.120 --> 00:50:10.200
are bringing to the table,

1034
00:50:10.200 --> 00:50:14.400
that's what West Coast Swing looks like, right?

1035
00:50:14.400 --> 00:50:19.400
And working together to do something that is phenomenal.

1036
00:50:19.560 --> 00:50:24.040
One can't, but two can, right?

1037
00:50:24.040 --> 00:50:26.480
Okay, and so we'll look at these traditional

1038
00:50:26.480 --> 00:50:28.220
kind of generic roles right here.

1039
00:50:28.220 --> 00:50:30.900
Did anyone have anything that stuck out to them?

1040
00:50:30.900 --> 00:50:33.260
Staying home with the children, paying bills, yard work.

1041
00:50:33.260 --> 00:50:34.840
Some of these are gonna be non-applicable

1042
00:50:34.840 --> 00:50:37.500
for those of you that are not raising children anymore.

1043
00:50:37.500 --> 00:50:41.460
Gassing the car, fixing things around the house, laundry.

1044
00:50:41.460 --> 00:50:44.940
Besides Brian and Megan, does anyone else

1045
00:50:45.820 --> 00:50:49.360
think that they wanna have biological children still?

1046
00:50:51.580 --> 00:50:56.340
Okay, so cooking meals, grocery shopping,

1047
00:50:56.340 --> 00:50:57.980
caring for pets, decorating the house,

1048
00:50:57.980 --> 00:50:59.260
discipling the children.

1049
00:50:59.260 --> 00:51:01.340
And Brian and Megan, I'm just assuming,

1050
00:51:01.340 --> 00:51:03.060
because of your age.

1051
00:51:03.060 --> 00:51:04.840
I shouldn't assume, but I am.

1052
00:51:04.840 --> 00:51:06.380
Doing the dishes, taking out the trash.

1053
00:51:06.380 --> 00:51:09.020
You know, I think that people assume

1054
00:51:09.020 --> 00:51:11.740
that taking out the trash is a man's job.

1055
00:51:11.740 --> 00:51:13.900
Providing income, also a man's job.

1056
00:51:13.900 --> 00:51:16.280
At least the main income is a man's job.

1057
00:51:17.500 --> 00:51:22.500
Auto maintenance, also a man's job, right?

1058
00:51:22.660 --> 00:51:26.020
Let's see, making major decisions.

1059
00:51:26.020 --> 00:51:27.980
You can try to agree, but if you disagree,

1060
00:51:27.980 --> 00:51:30.540
then the man is the tiebreaker on that.

1061
00:51:30.540 --> 00:51:32.220
Scheduling, social events.

1062
00:51:32.220 --> 00:51:34.620
That would be the woman's job, right?

1063
00:51:34.620 --> 00:51:36.860
Traditionally, this is what people would think.

1064
00:51:36.860 --> 00:51:39.140
Anything inside the house, woman.

1065
00:51:39.140 --> 00:51:41.500
Anything outside the house, man.

1066
00:51:41.500 --> 00:51:43.220
That's traditionally what people think.

1067
00:51:43.220 --> 00:51:46.060
So who had a traditional upbringing

1068
00:51:46.060 --> 00:51:47.560
where mom and dad were married

1069
00:51:47.560 --> 00:51:49.660
and they did traditional stuff?

1070
00:51:49.660 --> 00:51:53.180
Mom did the stuff inside, dad did the stuff outside.

1071
00:51:53.180 --> 00:51:55.500
All right, a lot of you, okay.

1072
00:51:56.300 --> 00:51:59.460
I think, and this is just my opinion,

1073
00:51:59.460 --> 00:52:01.140
that y'all should divide and conquer

1074
00:52:01.140 --> 00:52:02.700
based on who's good at what.

1075
00:52:04.420 --> 00:52:08.480
My husband can make a bed with hospital corners, okay?

1076
00:52:09.760 --> 00:52:11.780
He believes there's only one right way

1077
00:52:11.780 --> 00:52:14.200
to load the dishwasher, and guess what?

1078
00:52:14.200 --> 00:52:15.500
I missed that class.

1079
00:52:15.500 --> 00:52:17.860
I don't know what that right way is.

1080
00:52:17.860 --> 00:52:20.640
And if I do it, he re-does it.

1081
00:52:23.060 --> 00:52:25.140
If he catches me, because I don't really do it that often,

1082
00:52:25.780 --> 00:52:26.620
because he's just better at it.

1083
00:52:26.620 --> 00:52:27.820
He's better at it.

1084
00:52:27.820 --> 00:52:29.460
I don't like the grocery.

1085
00:52:29.460 --> 00:52:30.740
I use Instacart.

1086
00:52:30.740 --> 00:52:33.900
I don't like to go to the grocery, but I'm a good cook.

1087
00:52:33.900 --> 00:52:36.120
I'm a good cook, I'm a good decorator.

1088
00:52:37.260 --> 00:52:41.100
I'm good with a lot of different things that I do,

1089
00:52:41.100 --> 00:52:43.840
and we divide based on who's good at what.

1090
00:52:43.840 --> 00:52:45.420
I'm an entrepreneur.

1091
00:52:45.420 --> 00:52:48.100
As far as the breadwinner, so to speak,

1092
00:52:48.100 --> 00:52:52.780
like I am the person who has a thousand good ideas

1093
00:52:52.780 --> 00:52:54.860
before breakfast, and I'm able to execute

1094
00:52:55.580 --> 00:52:58.620
some of those ideas and actually have probably

1095
00:52:58.620 --> 00:53:03.020
more ability to bring in income, you know?

1096
00:53:03.020 --> 00:53:07.540
But because we work together, he implements my crazy ideas.

1097
00:53:07.540 --> 00:53:09.860
I have the crazy idea, and then he helps

1098
00:53:09.860 --> 00:53:11.720
make it a real thing.

1099
00:53:14.020 --> 00:53:16.060
So that's what I want you guys to start thinking about

1100
00:53:16.060 --> 00:53:19.540
is how do our gifts and talents come together?

1101
00:53:19.540 --> 00:53:21.620
What would it look like for us to partner?

1102
00:53:21.620 --> 00:53:22.580
Who's good at what?

1103
00:53:22.580 --> 00:53:24.300
How can we divide and conquer

1104
00:53:24.740 --> 00:53:28.460
and really be an amazing team together?

1105
00:53:29.300 --> 00:53:30.220
So let's look at this sheet.

1106
00:53:30.220 --> 00:53:32.780
Did anyone have anything that really stood out to you

1107
00:53:32.780 --> 00:53:35.100
that the other person said you were going to do it,

1108
00:53:35.100 --> 00:53:36.960
and they're like, no, I'm going to do it?

1109
00:53:36.960 --> 00:53:38.760
Or you thought that you should do it,

1110
00:53:38.760 --> 00:53:41.300
and they said that they're going to do it?

1111
00:53:41.300 --> 00:53:42.140
Anybody?

1112
00:53:43.060 --> 00:53:46.540
We had some misunderstandings too, I'm filling it out.

1113
00:53:46.540 --> 00:53:48.180
Because for me, I just went blank

1114
00:53:48.180 --> 00:53:51.420
if it was something we had already agreed upon delegating.

1115
00:53:52.420 --> 00:53:55.500
So we had some misunderstandings.

1116
00:53:56.340 --> 00:53:57.300
Ben, you can jump in.

1117
00:53:57.300 --> 00:53:59.140
I know you unmuted too, babe.

1118
00:53:59.140 --> 00:54:02.300
So it's interesting how, just even from a test,

1119
00:54:02.300 --> 00:54:03.940
how things can get misconstrued

1120
00:54:03.940 --> 00:54:06.340
or we can create a story in our brain.

1121
00:54:06.340 --> 00:54:08.740
So Megan was like, oh, well, I thought we talked about it.

1122
00:54:08.740 --> 00:54:09.620
I left it blank.

1123
00:54:09.620 --> 00:54:12.900
I was under the assumption, like, you have to fill it out.

1124
00:54:12.900 --> 00:54:16.940
So I was like, well, I know we talked about not having a pet.

1125
00:54:16.940 --> 00:54:19.340
So I was like, well, if we have a fish

1126
00:54:19.340 --> 00:54:20.860
or a little small little thing,

1127
00:54:21.300 --> 00:54:22.140
I'm not taking care of that

1128
00:54:22.140 --> 00:54:24.460
because I told you I don't like pets.

1129
00:54:25.900 --> 00:54:28.860
So if you're going to be responsible, it's going to be you.

1130
00:54:28.860 --> 00:54:32.260
And I also went with the assumption that,

1131
00:54:32.260 --> 00:54:34.700
because I do a lot of the driving for work,

1132
00:54:34.700 --> 00:54:36.660
and I know Megan works a lot from home.

1133
00:54:36.660 --> 00:54:39.100
So I was like, well, I'll do a lot of stuff on the road

1134
00:54:39.100 --> 00:54:41.140
because thinking I'll be on the road and you'll be home

1135
00:54:41.140 --> 00:54:43.100
so we could divide and conquer.

1136
00:54:43.100 --> 00:54:45.380
And then when we talked about it, I was like, oh, well,

1137
00:54:45.380 --> 00:54:46.420
I never thought about, like,

1138
00:54:46.420 --> 00:54:48.700
you would actually have a car too

1139
00:54:48.700 --> 00:54:50.300
when we're together in one place.

1140
00:54:50.860 --> 00:54:53.100
That's how things can get misinterpreted

1141
00:54:53.100 --> 00:54:55.740
and you can have miscommunication

1142
00:54:56.620 --> 00:54:57.820
until you actually talk about it

1143
00:54:57.820 --> 00:54:59.780
and learn about each other's perspectives.

1144
00:54:59.780 --> 00:55:00.620
Yeah.

1145
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:02.040
And just for context, for others, I live in the city,

1146
00:55:02.040 --> 00:55:03.140
so I don't have a car right now.

1147
00:55:03.140 --> 00:55:05.240
So he's just used to, he's never seen me drive.

1148
00:55:05.240 --> 00:55:07.160
So he was just assuming I would.

1149
00:55:07.160 --> 00:55:08.000
Yeah.

1150
00:55:08.000 --> 00:55:08.840
Can you drive?

1151
00:55:08.840 --> 00:55:09.760
Megan, can you drive?

1152
00:55:09.760 --> 00:55:10.840
I can, and I actually,

1153
00:55:10.840 --> 00:55:12.280
I spent like 10 years driving the city.

1154
00:55:12.280 --> 00:55:14.120
So I'm actually really good at driving in places

1155
00:55:14.120 --> 00:55:15.520
that most people can't.

1156
00:55:15.520 --> 00:55:16.480
I don't know if I'm as good,

1157
00:55:16.480 --> 00:55:18.800
like once you're on regular roads with less cars,

1158
00:55:18.800 --> 00:55:22.340
but in the craziness of the taxis, I can do that.

1159
00:55:23.720 --> 00:55:24.880
Oh my gosh, yes.

1160
00:55:24.880 --> 00:55:27.800
But you know, Brian made a really good point,

1161
00:55:27.880 --> 00:55:31.240
is that we should never assume, right?

1162
00:55:31.240 --> 00:55:33.840
We all know that we shouldn't, but we do anyway.

1163
00:55:33.840 --> 00:55:34.920
And so, but we shouldn't,

1164
00:55:34.920 --> 00:55:37.400
we should really make sure that we're saying,

1165
00:55:37.400 --> 00:55:39.120
yeah, I think this is what they meant,

1166
00:55:39.120 --> 00:55:40.480
or I think this is what they want,

1167
00:55:40.480 --> 00:55:44.240
but just going ahead and using your mouth to ask them,

1168
00:55:44.240 --> 00:55:46.280
hey, is this what you meant?

1169
00:55:46.280 --> 00:55:47.680
Or is this what you want?

1170
00:55:47.680 --> 00:55:48.800
Is this what you were thinking?

1171
00:55:48.800 --> 00:55:50.160
It's just so easy, y'all.

1172
00:55:50.160 --> 00:55:54.560
And it, listen, it prevents so much problem,

1173
00:55:54.560 --> 00:55:56.840
so many problems, right?

1174
00:55:56.840 --> 00:55:58.440
All right, so that was good.

1175
00:55:58.440 --> 00:55:59.440
Those are good examples.

1176
00:55:59.440 --> 00:56:01.240
Making can drive, that's good to know.

1177
00:56:01.240 --> 00:56:04.680
And so who else has something that you looked at this

1178
00:56:04.680 --> 00:56:06.280
and you're like, what?

1179
00:56:06.280 --> 00:56:09.440
No, I'm not doing those dishes.

1180
00:56:09.440 --> 00:56:10.760
You're doing those dishes.

1181
00:56:11.720 --> 00:56:13.680
You guys, we just, well, I shouldn't say this

1182
00:56:13.680 --> 00:56:15.760
because someone's probably an environmentalist here,

1183
00:56:15.760 --> 00:56:17.760
and we're probably contributing to the landfill,

1184
00:56:17.760 --> 00:56:20.140
but if I can use paper products, I do.

1185
00:56:22.720 --> 00:56:24.240
Because there's no one here.

1186
00:56:24.240 --> 00:56:25.600
It's just me and my husband,

1187
00:56:25.600 --> 00:56:27.880
rolling around like marbles in an empty jar

1188
00:56:27.880 --> 00:56:29.800
in this big house by ourselves.

1189
00:56:29.800 --> 00:56:33.280
And who wants to do all the dishes all the time?

1190
00:56:33.280 --> 00:56:38.120
So anyone, anyone look at this and you were just like, hmm.

1191
00:56:41.160 --> 00:56:44.080
I was so mad about having to take care of the pet.

1192
00:56:44.080 --> 00:56:46.440
The pet that doesn't exist,

1193
00:56:46.440 --> 00:56:49.160
that we had already agreed we would never have.

1194
00:56:49.160 --> 00:56:51.240
Oh, that's so funny.

1195
00:56:51.240 --> 00:56:53.120
You guys, it isn't that funny though,

1196
00:56:53.120 --> 00:56:55.320
because it's funny for you guys,

1197
00:56:56.000 --> 00:56:56.840
but I do have a couple right now

1198
00:56:56.840 --> 00:56:59.160
that they're an older couple

1199
00:56:59.160 --> 00:57:02.200
and they're considering not living together

1200
00:57:02.200 --> 00:57:03.520
because of the cat.

1201
00:57:05.520 --> 00:57:07.320
And they just got married,

1202
00:57:07.320 --> 00:57:09.240
but he thought he could deal with the cat.

1203
00:57:09.240 --> 00:57:11.280
And now that he has to deal with the cat,

1204
00:57:11.280 --> 00:57:12.880
he has decided he can't.

1205
00:57:14.440 --> 00:57:15.680
Who thinks that,

1206
00:57:15.680 --> 00:57:18.560
who thinks that whiskers should just come up missing?

1207
00:57:18.560 --> 00:57:19.780
I don't know.

1208
00:57:19.780 --> 00:57:20.620
Maybe.

1209
00:57:22.200 --> 00:57:24.420
It should be a cat napping.

1210
00:57:25.800 --> 00:57:26.960
Okay. All right.

1211
00:57:26.960 --> 00:57:29.520
So you guys, pets are a big thing.

1212
00:57:29.520 --> 00:57:32.680
Does anyone have pets here since we're on this topic?

1213
00:57:32.680 --> 00:57:34.920
I actually have, I have a dog.

1214
00:57:34.920 --> 00:57:38.360
He has a cat and they have not met yet.

1215
00:57:38.360 --> 00:57:39.760
Like that's a real thing.

1216
00:57:41.880 --> 00:57:43.760
We're not sure how that's going to work.

1217
00:57:43.760 --> 00:57:45.160
Her dog's a little high strung

1218
00:57:45.160 --> 00:57:47.080
when it comes to other animals.

1219
00:57:47.080 --> 00:57:50.360
My cat I know is the queen of the castle.

1220
00:57:50.360 --> 00:57:51.640
I tried to introduce a cat.

1221
00:57:51.640 --> 00:57:52.600
She lost her mind.

1222
00:57:52.600 --> 00:57:54.480
So I don't know what's going to happen.

1223
00:57:54.520 --> 00:57:55.360
So we'll see.

1224
00:57:57.360 --> 00:57:59.200
Someone's going to get rehomed.

1225
00:57:59.200 --> 00:58:00.840
Hopefully it won't be one of you all.

1226
00:58:00.840 --> 00:58:01.680
Okay.

1227
00:58:02.760 --> 00:58:03.600
Okay.

1228
00:58:03.600 --> 00:58:05.820
Anybody else have pets that you're not sure

1229
00:58:05.820 --> 00:58:08.880
are going to make it to the marriage home someday?

1230
00:58:11.240 --> 00:58:12.600
You guys, I love animals.

1231
00:58:12.600 --> 00:58:13.600
I'm not trying to be mean.

1232
00:58:13.600 --> 00:58:16.440
I know that sometimes animals are like people's companions,

1233
00:58:16.440 --> 00:58:18.560
their therapy, they're even their kids.

1234
00:58:18.560 --> 00:58:20.160
Some people act like that for sure.

1235
00:58:20.160 --> 00:58:21.520
I get it.

1236
00:58:21.520 --> 00:58:23.200
I'm not trying to be insensitive.

1237
00:58:23.200 --> 00:58:24.640
No more animals?

1238
00:58:24.640 --> 00:58:27.200
No one's got like a chinchilla or a ferret or something?

1239
00:58:27.200 --> 00:58:28.480
Okay. All right, good.

1240
00:58:30.240 --> 00:58:31.120
Okay. All right.

1241
00:58:31.120 --> 00:58:33.540
So we have one more we're going to look at right here.

1242
00:58:33.540 --> 00:58:36.760
It doesn't sound like anyone has any kid problems

1243
00:58:36.760 --> 00:58:38.640
where your kids are, you know,

1244
00:58:38.640 --> 00:58:40.280
trying to prevent the marriage.

1245
00:58:40.280 --> 00:58:42.140
No one has kids at home still.

1246
00:58:43.680 --> 00:58:45.080
Does anyone have any like

1247
00:58:48.160 --> 00:58:50.680
former spouses that are still giving you problems?

1248
00:58:52.120 --> 00:58:53.080
Anybody have that?

1249
00:58:54.000 --> 00:58:55.400
Wow. This is a great group.

1250
00:58:56.360 --> 00:58:58.840
We have either never marrieds or people that

1251
00:58:58.840 --> 00:59:01.440
have amicable relationships with their former spouse

1252
00:59:01.440 --> 00:59:04.080
or something along those lines.

1253
00:59:04.080 --> 00:59:06.160
Okay. So the motivation to remarry,

1254
00:59:06.160 --> 00:59:07.640
did anyone have an answer here

1255
00:59:07.640 --> 00:59:09.880
for those of you that are divorced?

1256
00:59:09.880 --> 00:59:11.840
Let's just put in the chat right now.

1257
00:59:11.840 --> 00:59:14.920
If you are divorced, how long have you been divorced?

1258
00:59:14.920 --> 00:59:16.840
I feel like we have some long,

1259
00:59:17.840 --> 00:59:19.680
divorces were long time ago.

1260
00:59:19.680 --> 00:59:22.440
Let's look and see, put it in the chat.

1261
00:59:22.480 --> 00:59:23.400
How many years?

1262
00:59:31.680 --> 00:59:35.560
22 years ago, 10, six.

1263
00:59:35.560 --> 00:59:38.500
Okay. So lots of water under those bridges.

1264
00:59:38.500 --> 00:59:39.560
Kids are all grown up.

1265
00:59:39.560 --> 00:59:41.300
There's no more shared parenting.

1266
00:59:41.300 --> 00:59:43.160
That's a good place to be.

1267
00:59:43.160 --> 00:59:44.120
It is y'all.

1268
00:59:44.120 --> 00:59:45.460
Divorce is rough.

1269
00:59:45.460 --> 00:59:47.520
Divorce is not something that anyone wants to do

1270
00:59:47.520 --> 00:59:49.340
unless they absolutely have to,

1271
00:59:49.340 --> 00:59:51.240
because nobody wins.

1272
00:59:51.240 --> 00:59:54.080
Okay. So motivation to remarry.

1273
00:59:54.080 --> 00:59:56.300
Did anyone have any answer right there

1274
00:59:56.300 --> 01:00:00.200
that caused you to feel kind of weird about?

1275
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:05.000
You're like, oh, like for instance, Chris here

1276
01:00:06.840 --> 01:00:10.600
on this fake Simbas sense of obligation to remarry.

1277
01:00:10.600 --> 01:00:11.420
Absolutely.

1278
01:00:11.420 --> 01:00:12.680
Like, what does that mean?

1279
01:00:15.200 --> 01:00:17.280
He feels obligated by who?

1280
01:00:17.280 --> 01:00:19.240
Who's obligating him to remarry?

1281
01:00:20.640 --> 01:00:24.160
Tony, his parents.

1282
01:00:24.160 --> 01:00:26.080
Like who does he feel obligated to?

1283
01:00:26.920 --> 01:00:27.760
From society.

1284
01:00:27.760 --> 01:00:28.580
Good, Brian.

1285
01:00:28.580 --> 01:00:29.420
That's true.

1286
01:00:29.420 --> 01:00:31.600
Like, society's like, you can't be single.

1287
01:00:32.520 --> 01:00:34.600
Only losers stay single, right?

1288
01:00:34.600 --> 01:00:36.040
It's like, you gotta, what?

1289
01:00:37.120 --> 01:00:38.880
Although I will tell you,

1290
01:00:38.880 --> 01:00:42.280
the public disenchantment with marriage is big.

1291
01:00:42.280 --> 01:00:45.080
And so maybe not in Christian communities,

1292
01:00:45.080 --> 01:00:47.120
but just in the public.

1293
01:00:47.120 --> 01:00:49.160
If I even mentioned the word marriage,

1294
01:00:49.160 --> 01:00:51.760
like on my TikTok, people come at me like,

1295
01:00:51.760 --> 01:00:53.600
I used a cuss word.

1296
01:00:53.600 --> 01:00:55.080
I used a cuss word.

1297
01:00:55.080 --> 01:00:56.520
They're like, what?

1298
01:00:56.520 --> 01:00:57.640
Who wants to be married?

1299
01:00:57.640 --> 01:00:58.920
Like, it's really crazy.

1300
01:00:58.920 --> 01:01:01.440
Okay, marriage readiness.

1301
01:01:01.440 --> 01:01:04.000
Did anyone have anything in that area?

1302
01:01:04.000 --> 01:01:05.600
Remember these blue-starred sections

1303
01:01:05.600 --> 01:01:07.040
are for those of you that have been divorced.

1304
01:01:07.040 --> 01:01:09.680
Please make sure you're going through these.

1305
01:01:09.680 --> 01:01:11.480
Even though you have adult children,

1306
01:01:11.480 --> 01:01:13.000
I'll tell you right now,

1307
01:01:13.000 --> 01:01:16.880
I have a guy that his adult daughter needed to move home.

1308
01:01:16.880 --> 01:01:17.880
She was getting divorced.

1309
01:01:17.880 --> 01:01:19.960
She needed to move back in.

1310
01:01:19.960 --> 01:01:22.280
And so if you have children that start struggling,

1311
01:01:22.280 --> 01:01:25.120
your adult children, have you talked about that?

1312
01:01:26.120 --> 01:01:27.160
Can they move back in?

1313
01:01:27.160 --> 01:01:28.600
Are they gonna be able to live with y'all

1314
01:01:28.600 --> 01:01:30.640
if they start struggling?

1315
01:01:30.640 --> 01:01:32.000
Have you talked to each other about

1316
01:01:32.000 --> 01:01:33.560
what if one of your kids needs a loan?

1317
01:01:33.560 --> 01:01:34.640
They need some money.

1318
01:01:34.640 --> 01:01:36.040
What if one of your kids comes up

1319
01:01:36.040 --> 01:01:39.040
with some kind of addiction or mental health issue?

1320
01:01:40.400 --> 01:01:41.880
Those are important things to talk about

1321
01:01:41.880 --> 01:01:44.640
for those of you that have grown children.

1322
01:01:44.640 --> 01:01:45.640
Because that kind of stuff

1323
01:01:45.640 --> 01:01:47.880
can throw a hand grenade into your marriage.

1324
01:01:49.480 --> 01:01:50.760
What's it gonna look like?

1325
01:01:52.920 --> 01:01:54.960
Are you just gonna start giving your money to your kid

1326
01:01:54.960 --> 01:01:55.960
if they ask for it

1327
01:01:55.960 --> 01:01:58.320
without getting this other person's permission,

1328
01:01:58.320 --> 01:02:00.360
even though it's your money and your kid?

1329
01:02:01.760 --> 01:02:03.600
These are not things people think about.

1330
01:02:03.600 --> 01:02:05.480
But you know why I'm thinking about them?

1331
01:02:05.480 --> 01:02:09.640
Because I've taught Simbas to probably 200 plus couples.

1332
01:02:10.880 --> 01:02:14.200
And this kind of stuff happens, right?

1333
01:02:14.200 --> 01:02:18.120
So let's be sure that we are having those conversations.

1334
01:02:18.120 --> 01:02:18.960
Okay.

1335
01:02:18.960 --> 01:02:20.120
Blending a family,

1336
01:02:20.120 --> 01:02:23.480
that's not something that's really pertinent to anyone here.

1337
01:02:23.480 --> 01:02:26.880
But all of you are going to become family

1338
01:02:26.880 --> 01:02:29.240
with this person's family,

1339
01:02:29.240 --> 01:02:33.240
obviously with boundaries, okay?

1340
01:02:33.240 --> 01:02:35.920
But you are connecting yourself.

1341
01:02:37.520 --> 01:02:39.480
And for a lot of you, that's a real good thing.

1342
01:02:39.480 --> 01:02:40.920
There's might be some things about that

1343
01:02:40.920 --> 01:02:42.160
that are not so good.

1344
01:02:42.160 --> 01:02:44.680
And so please make sure that you're discussing that

1345
01:02:44.680 --> 01:02:45.760
within reason,

1346
01:02:45.760 --> 01:02:48.960
because there's a lot of things that you just can't control.

1347
01:02:48.960 --> 01:02:50.000
And it doesn't make any sense

1348
01:02:50.000 --> 01:02:51.640
for you to even go down those rabbit holes

1349
01:02:51.640 --> 01:02:53.240
and get yourself all upset about it.

1350
01:02:53.240 --> 01:02:55.400
There's some things you just can't control.

1351
01:02:55.400 --> 01:02:57.160
Let's talk about what we can control,

1352
01:02:57.160 --> 01:02:58.680
what we can't have boundaries.

1353
01:02:58.680 --> 01:03:01.280
And David and I made a decision a long time ago.

1354
01:03:01.280 --> 01:03:04.760
We can't control what tries to come at us from the outside,

1355
01:03:04.760 --> 01:03:07.560
but we can control what we allow to come at us

1356
01:03:07.560 --> 01:03:08.520
from the inside,

1357
01:03:10.640 --> 01:03:11.800
between me and him.

1358
01:03:13.080 --> 01:03:14.200
So we just made a decision

1359
01:03:14.200 --> 01:03:15.360
that we're not going to let anything

1360
01:03:15.360 --> 01:03:18.160
that tries to come at us from the outside, rip us apart.

1361
01:03:19.160 --> 01:03:20.720
Instead, we're going to get back to back

1362
01:03:20.720 --> 01:03:23.440
and we're going to fight together as a team,

1363
01:03:23.440 --> 01:03:27.280
whatever comes at us from the outside, right?

1364
01:03:27.280 --> 01:03:30.080
David has a saying and it's become famous around here.

1365
01:03:30.080 --> 01:03:31.040
And he says this,

1366
01:03:31.040 --> 01:03:34.120
I'm not married to anyone or anything except Jackie Dorman.

1367
01:03:36.280 --> 01:03:38.520
And what that means is at the end of the day,

1368
01:03:39.840 --> 01:03:42.840
my allegiance is to this woman.

1369
01:03:42.840 --> 01:03:44.080
At the end of the day,

1370
01:03:45.800 --> 01:03:47.680
what God has called me to do

1371
01:03:47.680 --> 01:03:49.800
is protect and cover this woman

1372
01:03:49.800 --> 01:03:53.360
and be here for this woman and be a team with this woman.

1373
01:03:53.360 --> 01:03:55.760
So what my mama wants or what my kids want

1374
01:03:55.760 --> 01:03:58.520
or what any of these other people want,

1375
01:03:58.520 --> 01:04:00.280
I'm not married to anybody or anything,

1376
01:04:00.280 --> 01:04:03.240
what the job wants, but her.

1377
01:04:04.440 --> 01:04:06.240
And I think that's healthy

1378
01:04:06.240 --> 01:04:09.680
because I'm Jackie Dorman and that's who he's married to.

1379
01:04:09.680 --> 01:04:11.040
So of course I like it.

1380
01:04:11.040 --> 01:04:12.040
I like what he's saying,

1381
01:04:12.040 --> 01:04:13.920
but I do think that's biblical.

1382
01:04:13.920 --> 01:04:15.360
And I think that you can say that,

1383
01:04:15.360 --> 01:04:16.560
I can say the same thing.

1384
01:04:16.560 --> 01:04:18.000
At the end of the day, I'm not married to anyone,

1385
01:04:18.000 --> 01:04:19.080
but David Dorman.

1386
01:04:19.080 --> 01:04:21.000
Because at the end of the day, you're one.

1387
01:04:21.000 --> 01:04:24.120
This is the only relationship where the two become one.

1388
01:04:24.120 --> 01:04:26.360
And you really have to make sure

1389
01:04:26.360 --> 01:04:29.280
that you're prioritizing the relationship

1390
01:04:30.120 --> 01:04:32.360
and the needs of the relationship

1391
01:04:33.440 --> 01:04:36.560
and what the relationship has come together for.

1392
01:04:36.560 --> 01:04:39.440
What's the assignment that you guys are called

1393
01:04:39.440 --> 01:04:44.200
to do together and what you need to do to do that, okay?

1394
01:04:45.160 --> 01:04:46.520
Okay, so let's go ahead

1395
01:04:46.520 --> 01:04:48.200
and talk about what our homework's gonna be.

1396
01:04:48.200 --> 01:04:52.360
You guys, we're gonna go after page six, next class.

1397
01:04:53.320 --> 01:04:54.800
Finances.

1398
01:04:56.840 --> 01:05:00.160
See this section down here in between?

1399
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:01.520
between the two blue-starred sections,

1400
01:05:01.520 --> 01:05:04.160
it's called Money Talks, that is your homework.

1401
01:05:06.680 --> 01:05:07.960
So you're gonna answer these questions.

1402
01:05:07.960 --> 01:05:10.320
In my home growing up, money was blank.

1403
01:05:10.320 --> 01:05:13.200
When I think about our financial future, blank.

1404
01:05:13.200 --> 01:05:16.200
What you may not know about money and me is blank.

1405
01:05:16.200 --> 01:05:17.880
The thing I appreciate about you

1406
01:05:17.880 --> 01:05:20.720
in relationship to money is blank.

1407
01:05:20.720 --> 01:05:24.120
When it comes to money, I'd like to improve my blank.

1408
01:05:24.120 --> 01:05:26.600
One specific action we could take right now

1409
01:05:26.600 --> 01:05:29.500
that would help me is blank.

1410
01:05:30.320 --> 01:05:31.280
Okay?

1411
01:05:31.280 --> 01:05:34.120
I had one student that answered that last question.

1412
01:05:34.120 --> 01:05:36.160
One specific action we could take right now

1413
01:05:36.160 --> 01:05:37.320
that would help me is,

1414
01:05:37.320 --> 01:05:40.360
we could look at each other's financials.

1415
01:05:40.360 --> 01:05:41.880
They were getting really close to marriage.

1416
01:05:41.880 --> 01:05:43.880
She had never seen his financials.

1417
01:05:43.880 --> 01:05:46.400
They were able to look at each other's financials,

1418
01:05:46.400 --> 01:05:47.440
and guess what?

1419
01:05:47.440 --> 01:05:50.000
He was in a lot more debt

1420
01:05:50.000 --> 01:05:53.520
than he had told her he was in, right?

1421
01:05:53.520 --> 01:05:56.860
And so that was something that she was worried about,

1422
01:05:56.860 --> 01:06:00.580
and that was something that when they did this assignment,

1423
01:06:00.580 --> 01:06:04.060
they were able to see what was really happening there.

1424
01:06:04.060 --> 01:06:04.900
Okay?

1425
01:06:04.900 --> 01:06:07.260
And so that's your homework.

1426
01:06:07.260 --> 01:06:08.860
We're gonna answer those in class.

1427
01:06:08.860 --> 01:06:10.500
You don't have to answer all of them publicly.

1428
01:06:10.500 --> 01:06:12.540
We'll just pick one or two to answer publicly,

1429
01:06:12.540 --> 01:06:14.300
each of you sharing ones

1430
01:06:14.300 --> 01:06:15.880
that you really feel like you wanna share.

1431
01:06:15.880 --> 01:06:19.320
So page six, homework.

1432
01:06:19.320 --> 01:06:20.540
Make sure you do this.

1433
01:06:20.540 --> 01:06:22.540
Money talks, all right?

1434
01:06:22.540 --> 01:06:25.300
Do the whole page, but do money talks to share.

1435
01:06:25.340 --> 01:06:27.620
And then we're gonna skip down here

1436
01:06:27.620 --> 01:06:30.300
to our personality dynamics,

1437
01:06:31.580 --> 01:06:36.320
page eight and page nine.

1438
01:06:37.340 --> 01:06:38.620
Okay, we may not get to nine,

1439
01:06:38.620 --> 01:06:40.980
but go ahead and have it ready.

1440
01:06:40.980 --> 01:06:42.820
We're gonna start the personality.

1441
01:06:42.820 --> 01:06:44.140
And before we go tonight,

1442
01:06:44.140 --> 01:06:48.660
I want us to share what our attachment style was

1443
01:06:49.500 --> 01:06:52.840
as we get ready to go into these personality dynamics.

1444
01:06:52.840 --> 01:06:56.240
So go ahead and unmute yourself if you want to

1445
01:06:56.240 --> 01:07:01.240
and share what you got with the personality.

1446
01:07:01.320 --> 01:07:03.280
I'm sorry, the attachment style quiz.

1447
01:07:05.080 --> 01:07:06.040
I'm avoidant.

1448
01:07:06.960 --> 01:07:07.800
Sorry.

1449
01:07:08.660 --> 01:07:09.500
No, go ahead, Beth.

1450
01:07:09.500 --> 01:07:10.520
Go ahead.

1451
01:07:10.520 --> 01:07:12.120
Let's see, I'm avoidant.

1452
01:07:12.120 --> 01:07:12.960
I'm secure.

1453
01:07:14.860 --> 01:07:16.080
That's a great match.

1454
01:07:16.080 --> 01:07:19.400
Secures and avoidance do so well together.

1455
01:07:19.400 --> 01:07:20.240
They do.

1456
01:07:20.240 --> 01:07:21.060
You know why?

1457
01:07:21.060 --> 01:07:23.940
Because avoidance,

1458
01:07:23.940 --> 01:07:26.660
the more that you're with someone who's secure,

1459
01:07:26.660 --> 01:07:30.340
the more secure you become, right?

1460
01:07:30.340 --> 01:07:31.180
It's true.

1461
01:07:31.180 --> 01:07:33.580
Securely attached, securely attached, yeah.

1462
01:07:33.580 --> 01:07:37.540
We've known about the attachment styles this whole time.

1463
01:07:37.540 --> 01:07:40.220
And so it's really, really helped me

1464
01:07:40.220 --> 01:07:42.580
to just kind of translate what's happening

1465
01:07:42.580 --> 01:07:46.320
into what's going on and not make it about me.

1466
01:07:47.940 --> 01:07:50.260
Okay, yeah, that's good.

1467
01:07:50.260 --> 01:07:51.340
I like it.

1468
01:07:51.340 --> 01:07:52.180
Okay.

1469
01:07:54.220 --> 01:07:56.020
Who's next on my little clock here?

1470
01:07:56.020 --> 01:07:58.560
Brian and Megan.

1471
01:07:58.560 --> 01:08:03.560
Yeah, so I used to be very avoidant in past relationships.

1472
01:08:03.900 --> 01:08:07.620
Just shut down and it was really bad.

1473
01:08:07.620 --> 01:08:09.740
I know when you spoke at the course,

1474
01:08:09.740 --> 01:08:12.420
was it February where you were at the Life Center, Jackie?

1475
01:08:12.420 --> 01:08:13.900
Oh yeah, we were there.

1476
01:08:13.900 --> 01:08:15.080
I tested avoidant.

1477
01:08:16.540 --> 01:08:18.100
Now being in a relationship with Megan,

1478
01:08:18.100 --> 01:08:19.819
she's made me feel more secure

1479
01:08:20.979 --> 01:08:22.380
and I feel more at peace and calm

1480
01:08:22.380 --> 01:08:23.740
and still have things to work through.

1481
01:08:23.740 --> 01:08:26.380
But I think a lot of it's a testament

1482
01:08:26.380 --> 01:08:28.220
to how God's been working in my life

1483
01:08:28.220 --> 01:08:29.500
and having her in my life.

1484
01:08:29.500 --> 01:08:34.500
So I definitely feel the change happening over time.

1485
01:08:34.620 --> 01:08:35.460
So I tested secure.

1486
01:08:35.460 --> 01:08:36.700
I love that.

1487
01:08:36.700 --> 01:08:37.540
I love that.

1488
01:08:37.540 --> 01:08:38.359
That's so good.

1489
01:08:38.359 --> 01:08:39.540
Okay, that's awesome.

1490
01:08:39.540 --> 01:08:41.220
What about you, Megan?

1491
01:08:41.220 --> 01:08:43.460
So I tested anxious,

1492
01:08:43.460 --> 01:08:46.140
but it's like when I'm with him,

1493
01:08:46.140 --> 01:08:48.340
my thoughts and my minds and everything are more secure,

1494
01:08:48.340 --> 01:08:50.340
but then we're apart each week.

1495
01:08:50.340 --> 01:08:51.180
Just with our schedules,

1496
01:08:51.180 --> 01:08:53.300
we only get to see each other once a week.

1497
01:08:53.300 --> 01:08:56.060
So I go more into the anxious thoughts when we're apart,

1498
01:08:56.060 --> 01:08:56.939
but when we're together,

1499
01:08:56.939 --> 01:08:59.060
I always feel very secure now.

1500
01:09:00.460 --> 01:09:01.300
Okay, yeah.

1501
01:09:01.300 --> 01:09:02.140
No, that's good.

1502
01:09:02.140 --> 01:09:03.779
And long distance is hard.

1503
01:09:03.779 --> 01:09:04.700
You guys are long distance.

1504
01:09:04.700 --> 01:09:05.939
Long distance is harder.

1505
01:09:05.939 --> 01:09:07.899
You can start telling yourself stories,

1506
01:09:07.899 --> 01:09:09.420
but make sure that when you do

1507
01:09:09.420 --> 01:09:11.859
that you know that you're doing it

1508
01:09:12.979 --> 01:09:15.500
and you're able to tell yourself the truth.

1509
01:09:16.220 --> 01:09:18.380
Because anxious and avoidant attachment

1510
01:09:18.380 --> 01:09:22.420
both has the same root and that's fear, okay?

1511
01:09:22.420 --> 01:09:24.700
Remember fear is the opposite of love.

1512
01:09:24.700 --> 01:09:27.220
People that we call secure attachers,

1513
01:09:27.220 --> 01:09:31.620
they're people that are secure in love.

1514
01:09:31.620 --> 01:09:32.939
Get it?

1515
01:09:32.939 --> 01:09:37.939
Okay, and that's what Jesus died to reattach all of us

1516
01:09:38.740 --> 01:09:40.420
to our original identities,

1517
01:09:40.420 --> 01:09:42.380
which is being secure in love,

1518
01:09:42.380 --> 01:09:45.340
secure in God, secure, reconciled to love.

1519
01:09:46.180 --> 01:09:48.779
And so avoidance, fear of abandonment,

1520
01:09:48.779 --> 01:09:51.300
fear of rejection, fear of being controlled.

1521
01:09:52.660 --> 01:09:55.300
Anxious, it looks different on them,

1522
01:09:55.300 --> 01:09:57.740
but same thing, fear of abandonment,

1523
01:09:57.740 --> 01:10:00.220
fear of rejection, all of a sudden.

1524
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:02.760
Same types of fears, just playing it out differently.

1525
01:10:02.760 --> 01:10:03.600
All right.

1526
01:10:03.600 --> 01:10:05.980
Okay, so Belinda, what are you guys?

1527
01:10:07.240 --> 01:10:09.480
We both tested secure

1528
01:10:09.480 --> 01:10:11.280
because we're secure in our relationship,

1529
01:10:11.280 --> 01:10:16.200
but we know from past testing and just what I've learned,

1530
01:10:16.200 --> 01:10:20.920
I've been avoidant and he can lean towards anxious.

1531
01:10:20.920 --> 01:10:21.780
So one of the things,

1532
01:10:21.780 --> 01:10:24.400
because we've done the heart worker in this program,

1533
01:10:24.400 --> 01:10:26.760
I can, for me, I can recognize

1534
01:10:26.760 --> 01:10:29.640
when I'm operating in that mentality.

1535
01:10:29.680 --> 01:10:32.360
And I now have the tools that, oh, when that comes up,

1536
01:10:32.360 --> 01:10:34.600
you know, I think you said that's like an opportunity

1537
01:10:34.600 --> 01:10:37.240
for an upgrade, like when you recognize it.

1538
01:10:37.240 --> 01:10:38.060
And so-

1539
01:10:38.060 --> 01:10:38.900
Yeah, that's good.

1540
01:10:38.900 --> 01:10:40.840
That's been very helpful to me

1541
01:10:40.840 --> 01:10:42.280
to stay in that secure mindset.

1542
01:10:42.280 --> 01:10:43.720
But I definitely now know,

1543
01:10:43.720 --> 01:10:46.400
I recognize when I'm in that avoidant mentality,

1544
01:10:46.400 --> 01:10:48.720
I'm like, oh, wait a minute, there's a problem here,

1545
01:10:48.720 --> 01:10:51.000
you know, and what's I'm looking inside.

1546
01:10:51.000 --> 01:10:52.600
So it's been good.

1547
01:10:52.600 --> 01:10:54.940
Yeah, that is good.

1548
01:10:56.080 --> 01:10:56.920
That's good.

1549
01:10:56.920 --> 01:10:58.600
Okay.

1550
01:10:58.600 --> 01:11:00.240
Anybody else?

1551
01:11:00.240 --> 01:11:01.080
Terry?

1552
01:11:02.040 --> 01:11:03.880
We both tested secure.

1553
01:11:05.120 --> 01:11:06.040
You both tested secure?

1554
01:11:06.040 --> 01:11:06.880
Okay.

1555
01:11:06.880 --> 01:11:09.520
And Bruce, you got divorced last December?

1556
01:11:09.520 --> 01:11:11.740
Yeah, it's 20 year process,

1557
01:11:11.740 --> 01:11:14.120
but it was official in December, yes.

1558
01:11:14.120 --> 01:11:14.940
Oh, wow.

1559
01:11:14.940 --> 01:11:16.600
You've been apart for 20 years?

1560
01:11:16.600 --> 01:11:20.900
No, but she's tried to divorce me four times.

1561
01:11:20.900 --> 01:11:22.200
I finally let it happen.

1562
01:11:23.080 --> 01:11:23.920
Oh, wow.

1563
01:11:23.920 --> 01:11:24.740
Okay.

1564
01:11:24.740 --> 01:11:25.580
I gotcha.

1565
01:11:25.580 --> 01:11:26.400
I hear you.

1566
01:11:26.600 --> 01:11:27.440
All right.

1567
01:11:27.440 --> 01:11:29.600
So recapping,

1568
01:11:29.600 --> 01:11:32.040
and we're gonna get more into attachment style

1569
01:11:32.040 --> 01:11:33.760
and, you know, just some different dynamics

1570
01:11:33.760 --> 01:11:34.960
of personalities.

1571
01:11:34.960 --> 01:11:36.280
So we're gonna do money talks

1572
01:11:36.280 --> 01:11:37.420
and I'll put this in the group.

1573
01:11:37.420 --> 01:11:39.320
I'm gonna post it just like I did last time.

1574
01:11:39.320 --> 01:11:40.400
So page six,

1575
01:11:40.400 --> 01:11:42.440
and you're gonna do that money talks portion

1576
01:11:42.440 --> 01:11:44.720
for that shareable homework.

1577
01:11:44.720 --> 01:11:46.800
And then you're going to do this,

1578
01:11:46.800 --> 01:11:49.300
this dynamics sheet, page eight.

1579
01:11:49.300 --> 01:11:50.600
And then if we have time,

1580
01:11:50.600 --> 01:11:53.120
we will start on page nine.

1581
01:11:53.120 --> 01:11:55.160
We'll see what kind of time we have.

1582
01:11:55.160 --> 01:11:56.000
All right.

1583
01:11:56.500 --> 01:11:57.340
Thank you guys for being here.

1584
01:11:57.340 --> 01:11:59.640
You guys all seem like you're really communicating well

1585
01:11:59.640 --> 01:12:00.480
with each other.

1586
01:12:00.480 --> 01:12:01.800
You're doing the homework.

1587
01:12:01.800 --> 01:12:03.100
That's really great.

1588
01:12:03.100 --> 01:12:06.000
And I'm sure that you will begin to find out more

1589
01:12:06.000 --> 01:12:07.200
and more about each other

1590
01:12:07.200 --> 01:12:09.320
and about what a possible partnership long-term

1591
01:12:09.320 --> 01:12:10.320
looks like with each other.

1592
01:12:10.320 --> 01:12:12.120
What would it look like?

1593
01:12:12.120 --> 01:12:14.160
And so far it looks like it's looking good.

1594
01:12:14.160 --> 01:12:15.540
So I'm glad you guys are here

1595
01:12:15.540 --> 01:12:17.060
and I will see you next week.

1596
01:12:17.060 --> 01:12:17.900
Bye everyone.

1597
01:12:26.000 --> 01:12:26.840
Bye.