WEBVTT

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Welcome to phase two.

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This is August 27th weekly check-in.

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I'm excited to be here with you tonight.

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I actually have a co-host on,

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and as soon as she gets here,

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I will introduce you to her,

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because we're bringing on another OG

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and another coach on the team.

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So you will start to hear from another person

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that has been under Jackie's teaching,

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and it's gonna be fabulous.

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But I'm gonna try to keep us on time tonight.

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So if you are just coming on,

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this is our check-in, regular phase two check-in.

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Next week, September 3rd, the day after Labor Day,

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y'all will be merging with phase three

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and the men for a single spotlight,

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which means she spotlights a hot dude,

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a great dude, a nice dude, or two,

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and then she goes into love seats.

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And love seats, of course,

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is just a very big version

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of what we're doing here tonight.

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So sometimes people are like,

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there's not any guys on,

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and what's the point of trying to look good?

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Guys watch this stuff in replay.

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They're bad, they're horrible,

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they don't always come live,

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but they will watch it in replay,

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and you never know.

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You never know, you always wanna make sure you look good.

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So if you forget and you come to this link,

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I will be here, and I will boot you off

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and give you the other link.

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And so we are trying to make sure in phase two on the app,

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this is why you should be on the app,

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that the link, if you click on the link in events,

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we're hoping that she can change it

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so it goes right to the correct place.

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But if it does not, and you end up here with me,

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we will also do a post about it too next week,

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but I'm just warning you ahead of time.

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All right, housekeeping items.

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Is anybody here for the first time?

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Do we have any first time newbies here?

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First time.

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Laurel, now is it your first time live?

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Yeah, well, I went, I actually did a lunch live

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a long time ago, or like a few weeks ago,

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but this is, I'm like, here.

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I love it.

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Emily, this is your first time too, awesome.

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Well, I'm glad you guys are here.

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So there's always at least one new person,

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which is why we read the housekeeping every single week,

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and you're like, I don't wanna do it, but it's good.

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It's also good for you guys to know it.

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So we are so glad you are here.

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The intention of phase two is that you are here

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for about four weeks.

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We don't want you to go shorter, for sure,

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but some of you will stay in phase two

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until I kick you out, because you're like,

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oh my gosh, it's so fun.

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It's a nice small group.

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I don't wanna move on, but fly birdie fly.

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If you've watched all the videos,

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if you've come to all the check-ins,

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and you've been here at least four weeks,

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maybe three months, it is time to move it on along

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to phase three.

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If you don't know how to get to the app,

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you don't know how to find phase three on the app,

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just email us at admin at JackieDorman.com,

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and we will help get you there.

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There are five main videos in phase two.

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The first one is the Love Story Accelerator,

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where Jackie kinda kicks it off.

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She also gives you some goals.

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She gives you a eating whole food goal,

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a getting dressed up in skirts and dangly earrings,

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and all the good stuff, like start to look girly girl

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just a little bit, letting people hold the door open

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for you.

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She gives you a water challenge, a step goal challenge,

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and she even gives you a dating challenge.

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She does say seven dates, and you guys,

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you know how the seven dates came out?

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I taught the online dating class September of 2021,

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and she randomly said, Renee, how many dates

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should we give them as a challenge?

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And I was like, I don't know, seven, God's holy number.

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And that's how the seven date challenge came to be.

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It's not some magic number, it's just this goal.

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Now you might be like, Renee, I haven't been out

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on seven dates in the last seven years,

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and you want me to get out on seven dates

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in the next seven weeks, it's impossible.

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I know, it might be, and you might not hit it,

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and it's just okay.

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We just want you to just get out there and start trying.

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Sometimes when people come out of phase one,

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they just don't wanna move forward.

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We wanna get you moving forward.

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You get to leave phase two if you do not need to be

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in a level three relationship to go to phase two.

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You also do not need to have completed

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the seven date challenge.

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You just need to have been here at least a month,

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watched all the videos, come to the check-ins,

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and you feel equipped to go to phase three.

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In phase three, you will be with a thousand other women

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who are at various places of their dating life.

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They are in a serious relationship,

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they're in a lot of discovery dating,

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or they might be on a dating pause.

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And so you are not gonna be the only one

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in whatever scenario you think you're in.

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So I just wanna encourage you on that.

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These are one hour videos,

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so unlike the short 20 minute videos of phase one,

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it's a full teaching.

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So make sure you budget the time,

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have a pen and a paper, take some notes.

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There's not a book to read for,

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it's new content that Jackie.

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I came up with that even didn't exist

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when I joined the program a few years ago.

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And so take notes, share your wins, share ahas.

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Feel free, if you also listen to a section

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or like, okay, that just doesn't make sense for me,

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you're allowed to ask me questions about those videos.

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I've watched them backwards and forward.

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So if there's a part of the video that you don't get,

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feel free to come here and ask a question about it.

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Okay, so as you know, just like in phase one,

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the briefer you keep the post

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when you put them in the community chat,

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the more likely that someone's actually gonna read

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the whole thing.

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The longer your post,

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the more they're gonna start scanning that, right?

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Nobody wants war and peace or a five minute novel.

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And I don't know about y'all,

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but like, I feel like in the new app,

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the font is really small.

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And so it takes me a little bit of work

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to be able to read it.

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And I wanna make sure I get to it all.

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So just try to be brief and powerful in your post.

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Also, remember, we wanna lift all boats.

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And so if you are down, try to end on the positive.

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And if you are down in your post,

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ladies don't just go, oh my gosh, yeah, dating sucks.

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Where's the man?

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Like, don't drag her down with you.

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It's your job if she's having a bad day to lift her up.

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Just like in phase one,

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we don't link to other influencers, other books,

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other authors, other pastors.

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There's great other stuff out there.

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We get it.

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We love our Dr. Cloud boundaries guy.

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And so there's great people that we love.

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We just find it really confusing for some folks

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when you start sharing stuff that we're not quite sure

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if we align with all of the things that they have to say.

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Like I said, if you did not watch the replay

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from last week or you didn't come,

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I did a live demo of how to navigate the app.

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There's also a five minute app tech video

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that's in the welcome section of the training tab.

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So feel free to watch that.

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If you're finding that you're putting a post

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and you think you're putting in ask a coach

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and it's also showing up at all,

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means you're not doing it correctly.

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And so we want you to go back to that cute little video,

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watch it and learn how to post correctly.

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When you click on it, you have to write your post.

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You have to click on ask a coach

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and you have to click off all.

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It doesn't automatically do that.

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And the coaches, me, now Ebony and Carla,

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we will be focusing on your response

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in the roll call posts every week

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and in the ask a coach tab.

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And a lot of you have a lot of things to say

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and you wanna share stuff and that's great.

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Y'all keep talking to each other.

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You guys engage with each other's posts.

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Like if somebody asks a question or wants to share a photo,

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speak up, encourage your sister,

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like chit chat with each other.

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We are gonna focus answering the posts

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where you're specifically asking a coach a question.

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All right, that's it.

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So I'm gonna introduce now Ebony to you.

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Let's see, Ebony, raise your hand, everybody.

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Let's see if I can pin you.

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I think I can pin you.

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And now if you guys go to view,

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instead of going to gallery, go to speaker view

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and you can see Ebony's gorgeous face all in the camera.

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She's got this beautiful smile.

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Y'all, she teaches third graders.

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Like there's a special place in heaven for her.

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And so we're gonna make sure that you do that.

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Okay, so Ebony, she will be chiming in with me at the end.

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Let me remove that pin.

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Okay, now we're back to everybody.

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So she will be chiming in at the end

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and in a couple weeks,

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she's gonna actually start helping co-lead with me.

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And so we are super excited for y'all

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to hear what she has to say.

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All right, so this week, the topic is,

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y'all, like I talked way too long last week.

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So I'm gonna model to Ebony that we can stay on time.

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This week, our topic is boundaries.

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So remember there's four videos.

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The first video, I started to describe it, see,

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and I was so busy and I rushed right through it.

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So the first video was Love Story Accelerator.

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The second video is Dating 101.

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That is where Jackie teaches you how to do dating levels.

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I promise you, we've all been dating incorrectly.

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And this is a healthier, safer way to date.

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It actually, she took it from Dr. Cloud

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and she's kind of adapted to it.

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And so like psychologists have approved this.

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This is a way to get to know people

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without vomiting your whole life story

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and giving away the cookie, as Steve Harvey would say,

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before they've earned the right

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to get to know you that better.

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So if you've got deep, dark secrets, you don't share them.

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And so if you've had trouble knowing when

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and how to say things, Dating 101 is a great place to start.

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The next video after that is Divine Feminine.

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It's really about embracing our divine feminine traits

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and understanding the divine masculine traits

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that are out there that we want to attract.

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And she also kind of goes into that.

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with the unhealthy or overextended version

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of those divine feminine traits look like

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when you have an unhealed heart.

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And most of us ladies fall in that category

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and it's really hard to break that habit,

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but it can be done.

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And then of course the video we did last week

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was online dating.

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I would argue even if you're in a hiatus

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with online dating,

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there are some really great tips there

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of how to present yourself to what I would say

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is a perfect stranger.

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00:10:28.840 --> 00:10:30.500
Somebody you would meet at the store,

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00:10:30.500 --> 00:10:32.280
at Pup Putt, at a bar,

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00:10:32.280 --> 00:10:34.000
at the flea market,

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00:10:34.000 --> 00:10:35.360
at a volunteer give.

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So the same rules kind of apply with online dating

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as they do meeting a stranger in real life

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because they are in fact a stranger,

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which is just like online dating.

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And so tonight is boundaries.

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I kind of feel like boundaries is the topic

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that we can talk about until the cows come home, right?

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It is like I've been teaching

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and setting boundaries for over 20 years

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and I'm still working on my boundaries.

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And boundaries influence the way you deal

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with all of your relationships,

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your work relationships,

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your church relationships,

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your girlfriends,

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00:11:07.960 --> 00:11:09.280
your husbands,

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your children,

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00:11:10.580 --> 00:11:12.840
the people that you are dating.

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You may find that there are some areas of your life

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00:11:15.100 --> 00:11:16.320
that you're really good

283
00:11:16.320 --> 00:11:17.640
and you've really worked hard

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to get better with your boundaries.

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00:11:19.400 --> 00:11:20.780
And other areas of your life,

286
00:11:20.780 --> 00:11:22.640
you're like, man, I just suck it there.

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Like I just keep going right back to the old habits.

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And that's why that video is great to go back to.

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I'm just gonna highlight five main points from that.

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That video is so good.

291
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It has like 16 pages of PowerPoint slides.

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And that's what I'm gonna be referencing off of.

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00:11:38.680 --> 00:11:39.520
So if you're like, gosh,

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there was a PowerPoint.

295
00:11:40.580 --> 00:11:41.420
Yeah.

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When I did online dating

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and when I did the boundaries,

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there are like a dozen PowerPoint slides

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that are saved as a PDF for you to be able to download.

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That's true in the portal

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00:11:51.200 --> 00:11:53.680
and that is true on the app.

302
00:11:53.720 --> 00:11:56.120
And so you should be able to get to that

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00:11:56.120 --> 00:11:58.960
because those are great cheat sheets for you to have.

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The first things I like to remind people about boundaries

305
00:12:02.040 --> 00:12:03.900
and Jackie always says this too.

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00:12:03.900 --> 00:12:05.280
What are boundaries?

307
00:12:05.280 --> 00:12:09.300
Boundaries are fences with gates.

308
00:12:09.300 --> 00:12:10.560
So fences with gates.

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00:12:10.560 --> 00:12:12.760
When you think about a fence,

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00:12:12.760 --> 00:12:14.120
it means that people can go,

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00:12:14.120 --> 00:12:15.820
you can let people in,

312
00:12:15.820 --> 00:12:17.480
you can kick people out.

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00:12:17.480 --> 00:12:19.560
You kind of decide who's coming in

314
00:12:19.560 --> 00:12:21.120
and who's going out.

315
00:12:21.120 --> 00:12:22.400
And usually with the gate,

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00:12:22.400 --> 00:12:25.320
they have to knock on the gate to get in.

317
00:12:25.320 --> 00:12:28.120
So nobody can come into your home or your space

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00:12:28.120 --> 00:12:30.600
without you giving them permission to do so.

319
00:12:30.600 --> 00:12:32.180
Unless of course,

320
00:12:32.180 --> 00:12:35.320
it is a horrific assault type situation.

321
00:12:35.320 --> 00:12:39.580
Most people somehow kind of show you who they are.

322
00:12:39.580 --> 00:12:42.960
So boundaries are fences with gates.

323
00:12:42.960 --> 00:12:44.760
They are not walls.

324
00:12:44.760 --> 00:12:47.520
They are definitely not concrete walls.

325
00:12:47.520 --> 00:12:49.840
And they define you and protect you.

326
00:12:49.840 --> 00:12:52.920
One of the best examples of how important boundaries are

327
00:12:52.920 --> 00:12:56.080
is when I was in Haiti and I was on a mission trip

328
00:12:56.080 --> 00:12:59.800
and I was kind of going through this village of Sousavon.

329
00:12:59.800 --> 00:13:01.120
And it was like,

330
00:13:01.120 --> 00:13:03.720
I couldn't find a boundary to use as an example

331
00:13:03.720 --> 00:13:05.000
to save my life.

332
00:13:05.000 --> 00:13:07.240
There weren't guardrails on the road.

333
00:13:07.240 --> 00:13:09.080
There were no fences.

334
00:13:09.080 --> 00:13:12.080
They had homes that were literally one large room.

335
00:13:12.080 --> 00:13:13.840
So they didn't even have divider walls

336
00:13:13.840 --> 00:13:14.960
separating their rooms,

337
00:13:14.960 --> 00:13:17.140
not even separating the bathroom, right?

338
00:13:17.140 --> 00:13:19.660
Or where their parents slept or where they cooked.

339
00:13:20.620 --> 00:13:22.860
They actually didn't even have in Haiti,

340
00:13:22.860 --> 00:13:25.580
which is like a French Creole language.

341
00:13:25.580 --> 00:13:28.620
They don't even have a word for boundaries.

342
00:13:28.620 --> 00:13:31.620
That's how much boundaries just don't exist in their life.

343
00:13:31.620 --> 00:13:33.980
And so it just made me realize

344
00:13:33.980 --> 00:13:35.580
when you think about boundaries,

345
00:13:35.580 --> 00:13:38.660
it is just so important to think about how helpful they are

346
00:13:38.660 --> 00:13:40.900
and what it is like when you don't have them.

347
00:13:42.620 --> 00:13:44.820
There are a few things that get in our way

348
00:13:44.820 --> 00:13:47.160
of having healthy boundaries.

349
00:13:47.160 --> 00:13:49.440
And I forgot to put this in the notes for Carla,

350
00:13:49.440 --> 00:13:51.260
but this is what's being recorded tonight.

351
00:13:51.260 --> 00:13:53.800
And I think it's super important for me to share this.

352
00:13:53.800 --> 00:13:55.700
How many people want healthy boundaries?

353
00:13:55.700 --> 00:13:57.020
Do we all want healthy boundaries?

354
00:13:57.020 --> 00:13:58.820
Yeah, right, we do.

355
00:13:58.820 --> 00:14:00.160
How many people have suffered

356
00:14:00.160 --> 00:14:03.040
from not having healthy boundaries, right?

357
00:14:03.040 --> 00:14:05.700
Okay, so usually we've suffered

358
00:14:05.700 --> 00:14:07.220
from not having healthy boundaries

359
00:14:07.220 --> 00:14:09.460
because something happened early

360
00:14:09.460 --> 00:14:11.760
in our developmental time period.

361
00:14:11.760 --> 00:14:14.540
So we get what's called boundary injuries

362
00:14:15.220 --> 00:14:19.220
and boundary injuries can look like over-controlling parents.

363
00:14:19.220 --> 00:14:22.180
So sometimes you have a helicopter parent

364
00:14:22.180 --> 00:14:24.460
and man, they don't let you fail at anything.

365
00:14:24.460 --> 00:14:26.700
They just, they are hovering over you

366
00:14:26.700 --> 00:14:28.260
like no one's business.

367
00:14:29.180 --> 00:14:31.260
And a lot of times,

368
00:14:31.260 --> 00:14:34.260
helicopter parent, over-controlling parents

369
00:14:34.260 --> 00:14:37.100
usually comes from a place of fear.

370
00:14:37.100 --> 00:14:39.740
They're afraid and anxious about something

371
00:14:39.740 --> 00:14:41.980
and they're so afraid and fearful for you.

372
00:14:41.980 --> 00:14:44.180
They feel like if they can control your life

373
00:14:44.820 --> 00:14:47.860
and your boundaries, then you will be safe.

374
00:14:47.860 --> 00:14:49.600
That's usually at the root

375
00:14:49.600 --> 00:14:52.780
of over-controlling helicopter parents.

376
00:14:52.780 --> 00:14:54.820
So the other end of that spectrum

377
00:14:54.820 --> 00:14:57.480
is parents that have no boundaries.

378
00:14:57.480 --> 00:14:59.380
You know, like the hippie parents.

379
00:14:59.380 --> 00:15:00.220
I just want.

380
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:06.080
be my kid's best friend. I don't want to be the parent. I had controlling parents and I'm going

381
00:15:06.080 --> 00:15:11.600
to not have any roles. Well, that's like the other side of the spectrum. We need boundaries.

382
00:15:11.600 --> 00:15:17.760
And the same way that I told you, I watched a whole culture not have any boundaries and the

383
00:15:17.760 --> 00:15:24.000
detriment that that did to that community. So we all know it is not good to have no boundaries.

384
00:15:24.800 --> 00:15:31.040
And usually parents with no boundaries came from that environment of that over controlling. So

385
00:15:31.040 --> 00:15:37.040
they're trying to course correct. They've just course corrected too much. And so it is okay

386
00:15:37.760 --> 00:15:44.240
for a young child to learn what the word no means. And I will tell you this, when I was running my

387
00:15:44.240 --> 00:15:51.120
nonprofit, the type of employee that I never wanted to hire, if I had somebody who was a single child,

388
00:15:51.120 --> 00:15:57.360
an only child who never played on a sport, was never part of any team club, and their parents

389
00:15:57.360 --> 00:16:01.840
didn't have roles, I do not want to hire them. Because that person does not know how to work

390
00:16:01.840 --> 00:16:05.600
in a team. That person does not know what boundaries look like. They don't know what

391
00:16:05.600 --> 00:16:12.000
a healthy yes looks like and a healthy no looks like. And so over controlling or free willy,

392
00:16:12.000 --> 00:16:18.160
that can set us up for failure. The other one that's even worse than the over controlling parent

393
00:16:18.160 --> 00:16:23.760
or the free willy parent is an inconsistent parent. And that is typically when you have a

394
00:16:23.760 --> 00:16:28.640
home with somebody with an active addiction, whether it's drugs, alcohol, and sex. When

395
00:16:28.640 --> 00:16:34.560
someone's in active addiction, they don't have boundaries. They are not safe and they're all

396
00:16:34.560 --> 00:16:38.800
over the map, which means one day you may have a lot of rules and the very next day you don't

397
00:16:38.800 --> 00:16:43.520
have any rules. That's actually the worst scenario. So if you grew up in a home where an active

398
00:16:43.520 --> 00:16:47.760
addiction was going on, you might be going like, yeah, Renee, like I just didn't know what parent

399
00:16:47.840 --> 00:16:52.400
was going to show up. And so some days they were like the best friend and we could get away with

400
00:16:52.400 --> 00:16:57.200
everything. And then other days, like I couldn't like turn off the light fast enough when I walked

401
00:16:57.200 --> 00:17:04.880
out of the room. The other way that you can have unhealthy boundaries is if you have trauma,

402
00:17:05.440 --> 00:17:11.920
something either happened to you or around you. I think a lot of you guys know that I grew up in the

403
00:17:11.920 --> 00:17:18.400
hospital. I've had a lot of surgeries. I probably booked 10 surgeries before I was 18 years old.

404
00:17:18.400 --> 00:17:24.400
So I have a lot of childhood trauma from that. Surgery was very different back then too.

405
00:17:24.400 --> 00:17:30.320
It impacted me and it impacted my siblings. And so it wasn't my parents' fault, but that outside

406
00:17:30.320 --> 00:17:36.320
trauma created some boundary issues for me. And then the last thing that can mess up your

407
00:17:36.320 --> 00:17:42.720
boundaries is sin in the family, especially some sins of secrets. If there is active sin and

408
00:17:42.720 --> 00:17:47.840
secrets going on in your family, it will be really hard for you to have healthy boundaries. So that's

409
00:17:47.840 --> 00:17:52.880
why we all want them. So I don't know about y'all, but probably most of us can claim one of those

410
00:17:52.880 --> 00:17:57.520
things that happened to us in our childhood, right? Like we could. So now we kind of know, well, that's

411
00:17:57.520 --> 00:18:02.240
why I didn't have healthy boundaries. And you don't look at it and blame anybody, but it just

412
00:18:02.240 --> 00:18:08.080
gives you some grace about it. So the first thing that we notice when you don't have healthy

413
00:18:08.080 --> 00:18:13.600
boundaries is how many you've ever said, I'm the codependent, I'm the rescuer, I'm the helper. How

414
00:18:13.600 --> 00:18:18.160
many have ever said that, right? We get a lot of the women in the group who say that. Okay.

415
00:18:18.160 --> 00:18:23.920
The other time is how many of you ever said your husband or your ex-boyfriend was a narcissist

416
00:18:23.920 --> 00:18:29.520
or he was controlling? Okay. If you can claim that, how many of you dated somebody who was

417
00:18:29.520 --> 00:18:33.920
the victim? Like you guys, I just broke up with somebody who vacillated between victim and

418
00:18:33.920 --> 00:18:37.520
narcissist. I mean, I couldn't even figure out which one it was at times. He was always the

419
00:18:37.520 --> 00:18:45.040
victim. All right. If you are dating somebody who was a victim or the narcissist and or you identify

420
00:18:45.040 --> 00:18:49.920
as being the codependent, you are what's called, you're on the drama triangle or the Cartman

421
00:18:49.920 --> 00:18:55.360
triangle. And it means you learned unhealthy ways to do relationship because you didn't have good

422
00:18:55.360 --> 00:19:01.120
boundaries. So that's how you know your boundaries are amok. You can't say that you are still dating

423
00:19:01.120 --> 00:19:07.920
the narcissist or the victim without going, oh, my boundaries are totally okay. Probably not.

424
00:19:07.920 --> 00:19:13.040
You just don't know it because you're in that triangle. So let's talk about the major things

425
00:19:13.040 --> 00:19:17.680
that happen in that triangle because there's something alluring about it because we fall back

426
00:19:17.680 --> 00:19:22.320
into it. And a lot of times we fall back into that with people that we have a history with.

427
00:19:22.320 --> 00:19:26.160
Like you guys, I've developed really good boundaries, but when I go home to Connecticut

428
00:19:26.160 --> 00:19:32.400
with my family, if my siblings start to pick at those old wounds, man, I can get right back there

429
00:19:32.400 --> 00:19:36.880
and being totally like the people pleaser, the codependent, I can get right back there

430
00:19:37.680 --> 00:19:43.120
in five hot seconds. So I have to really protect myself. So I'm going to read the description of

431
00:19:43.120 --> 00:19:51.120
the codependent, people pleaser, performer, because that is a lot of us ladies. That's a lot of us.

432
00:19:52.400 --> 00:19:58.480
Now, people pleasing, performer, codependency, we cannot confuse that with empathy.

433
00:19:58.480 --> 00:19:59.840
There is a thin line. So kind of...

434
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:02.880
Think about the four inches on a balance beam.

435
00:20:02.880 --> 00:20:05.320
Is it four to six inches right in a balance beam?

436
00:20:05.320 --> 00:20:07.960
So on one side is empathy,

437
00:20:07.960 --> 00:20:10.120
on the other side is no empathy,

438
00:20:10.120 --> 00:20:12.680
and in the middle is healthy,

439
00:20:13.960 --> 00:20:17.080
healthy relationship with people.

440
00:20:17.080 --> 00:20:19.040
And so we wanna make sure that we have

441
00:20:19.040 --> 00:20:21.880
a healthy amount of empathy with somebody

442
00:20:21.880 --> 00:20:24.640
that doesn't get us into that codependent kind of stage.

443
00:20:24.640 --> 00:20:26.280
So here's how you know this.

444
00:20:26.280 --> 00:20:28.700
When you have healthy empathy,

445
00:20:28.700 --> 00:20:31.660
you feel responsible to others,

446
00:20:31.660 --> 00:20:34.600
but you don't feel responsible for others.

447
00:20:34.600 --> 00:20:38.520
If you think something is gonna go down and it's on you,

448
00:20:38.520 --> 00:20:40.200
even as a parent, you guys,

449
00:20:40.200 --> 00:20:42.260
you're responsible to take care of your children.

450
00:20:42.260 --> 00:20:44.260
Now, obviously, if they're under a certain age,

451
00:20:44.260 --> 00:20:46.420
you are in fact responsible for them.

452
00:20:46.420 --> 00:20:48.940
But as they become mature and older,

453
00:20:48.940 --> 00:20:50.620
you are responsible to them,

454
00:20:50.620 --> 00:20:52.500
you're not responsible for them.

455
00:20:52.500 --> 00:20:53.620
If you are the boss,

456
00:20:53.620 --> 00:20:56.900
you are responsible to your team, not for your team.

457
00:20:56.940 --> 00:20:59.700
And so two and four are very important.

458
00:20:59.700 --> 00:21:01.760
You're like, well, Renee, how do I know the difference?

459
00:21:01.760 --> 00:21:03.700
I'll tell you how you know the difference.

460
00:21:03.700 --> 00:21:06.220
When you feel responsible for other people,

461
00:21:06.220 --> 00:21:10.420
that's the rescuer, the performance, the codependent,

462
00:21:10.420 --> 00:21:13.900
you like to fix, protect, rescue,

463
00:21:13.900 --> 00:21:16.940
you like to carry other people's feelings.

464
00:21:16.940 --> 00:21:19.140
Sometimes you do like to control.

465
00:21:19.140 --> 00:21:22.980
You are usually feeling tired, anxious, and fearful.

466
00:21:22.980 --> 00:21:25.700
You are concerned with solutions and answers.

467
00:21:25.700 --> 00:21:28.660
You like to be right and you like to perform.

468
00:21:28.660 --> 00:21:30.020
And you hate to admit this,

469
00:21:30.020 --> 00:21:33.660
but sometimes you will manipulate other people or situations

470
00:21:33.660 --> 00:21:37.220
so you can feel better or safe yourself.

471
00:21:37.220 --> 00:21:39.500
And you actually expect other people

472
00:21:39.500 --> 00:21:41.900
to live up to the set of expectations

473
00:21:41.900 --> 00:21:43.260
that you have for your life.

474
00:21:44.140 --> 00:21:45.020
Here's the difference.

475
00:21:45.020 --> 00:21:46.700
Here's the empathy side that you want.

476
00:21:46.700 --> 00:21:49.140
When you feel responsible to other people,

477
00:21:49.140 --> 00:21:53.580
you can show empathy, you encourage, you show compassion,

478
00:21:53.580 --> 00:21:56.300
you can confront, we're gonna talk about that in a minute.

479
00:21:56.300 --> 00:21:59.780
You can share and you can listen to hear and not respond.

480
00:21:59.780 --> 00:22:02.860
You are relaxed, you are free, you are aware,

481
00:22:02.860 --> 00:22:04.380
you are reliable.

482
00:22:04.380 --> 00:22:06.760
You relate to a person to person,

483
00:22:06.760 --> 00:22:09.440
but you feel your own feelings.

484
00:22:09.440 --> 00:22:11.820
And you expect other people

485
00:22:11.820 --> 00:22:14.700
to be responsible for themselves.

486
00:22:14.700 --> 00:22:16.740
So hopefully that little summary now,

487
00:22:16.740 --> 00:22:18.420
if I just kind of piqued your interest

488
00:22:18.420 --> 00:22:20.180
and you're like, oh my gosh, I need more,

489
00:22:20.180 --> 00:22:23.300
go back to the video because I talk about that a lot more.

490
00:22:23.980 --> 00:22:24.820
So that's how you know the difference

491
00:22:24.820 --> 00:22:26.620
between when you're being empathetic

492
00:22:26.620 --> 00:22:28.820
or being kind of codependent.

493
00:22:28.820 --> 00:22:31.300
The second topic is that controlling person.

494
00:22:31.300 --> 00:22:33.060
Now you guys, we throw around that phrase,

495
00:22:33.060 --> 00:22:34.940
narcissist around a lot.

496
00:22:34.940 --> 00:22:37.660
And I just took a training with a bunch of therapists

497
00:22:37.660 --> 00:22:40.420
and literally less than 5% of the population

498
00:22:40.420 --> 00:22:43.420
is actually diagnosed narcissist, right?

499
00:22:43.420 --> 00:22:45.340
But we all have narcissist traits

500
00:22:45.340 --> 00:22:46.960
and that's what Jackie teaches all the time.

501
00:22:46.960 --> 00:22:50.100
So we're all capable of going to the crazy place.

502
00:22:50.100 --> 00:22:52.660
And in fact, if you are the codependent

503
00:22:52.700 --> 00:22:54.060
who has been rescuing,

504
00:22:54.060 --> 00:22:56.300
have you ever just blown up at your staff

505
00:22:56.300 --> 00:22:57.820
or your children or your friends

506
00:22:57.820 --> 00:23:00.020
because you finally reached the tipping point

507
00:23:00.020 --> 00:23:02.060
where you cannot take it anymore

508
00:23:02.060 --> 00:23:04.140
because you're giving and you're giving and you're giving

509
00:23:04.140 --> 00:23:07.220
and then you either implode or you explode.

510
00:23:07.220 --> 00:23:09.020
And all of a sudden for a hot minute,

511
00:23:09.020 --> 00:23:10.520
you look like the control freak,

512
00:23:10.520 --> 00:23:12.200
you look like the narcissist.

513
00:23:12.200 --> 00:23:14.900
You're not, but you have a response

514
00:23:14.900 --> 00:23:17.400
that kind of puts you in that category.

515
00:23:17.400 --> 00:23:20.140
So there are two types of controllers.

516
00:23:20.140 --> 00:23:21.900
There is the more obvious,

517
00:23:21.900 --> 00:23:24.460
I would call it the overt.

518
00:23:24.460 --> 00:23:27.180
It looks more aggressive and obnoxious.

519
00:23:27.180 --> 00:23:29.800
They do not stop to listen to people.

520
00:23:29.800 --> 00:23:32.140
They tend to rush over people.

521
00:23:32.140 --> 00:23:34.700
They neglect their own responsibilities.

522
00:23:34.700 --> 00:23:38.400
They blame everything on other people.

523
00:23:38.400 --> 00:23:40.940
They don't accept others as they are

524
00:23:40.940 --> 00:23:43.500
and they're constantly trying to change them.

525
00:23:44.500 --> 00:23:47.540
Here's what a manipulator, a controller looks like

526
00:23:47.540 --> 00:23:49.700
or what I call the covert.

527
00:23:49.700 --> 00:23:51.340
This one's like sexier.

528
00:23:51.740 --> 00:23:53.060
The covert controller,

529
00:23:53.060 --> 00:23:55.300
these are the ones that usually woo me, right?

530
00:23:55.300 --> 00:23:57.860
Because they look slicker and smoother.

531
00:23:57.860 --> 00:24:01.080
They can persuade people away from their boundaries.

532
00:24:01.080 --> 00:24:02.700
You know, you go on a date with a guy and he's like,

533
00:24:02.700 --> 00:24:05.860
oh yeah, I'm totally fine with the no sex before marriage,

534
00:24:05.860 --> 00:24:08.060
but he like tries a little of this and tries a little,

535
00:24:08.060 --> 00:24:10.900
he's trying to woo you away from your boundaries.

536
00:24:10.900 --> 00:24:13.420
So they woo when other's over

537
00:24:13.420 --> 00:24:16.600
and they talk other, they persuade you into a yes

538
00:24:16.600 --> 00:24:18.140
when you had a no.

539
00:24:18.140 --> 00:24:20.680
They indirectly manipulate the situation

540
00:24:20.680 --> 00:24:25.680
to stack the deck towards a yes and then they seduce.

541
00:24:25.680 --> 00:24:27.840
So both of those are unhealthy.

542
00:24:27.840 --> 00:24:31.860
We are both all capable of sliding into one of those,

543
00:24:31.860 --> 00:24:34.320
especially if we've been a victim too long

544
00:24:34.320 --> 00:24:35.960
or codependent too long.

545
00:24:35.960 --> 00:24:40.600
At some point, our body wants to reset, recalibrate.

546
00:24:41.600 --> 00:24:46.000
Okay, so then that third one is the victim in the middle.

547
00:24:46.000 --> 00:24:47.480
They will like to believe

548
00:24:47.480 --> 00:24:49.960
that they are the victim of every story.

549
00:24:49.960 --> 00:24:51.600
How many of you remember Jackie saying,

550
00:24:51.600 --> 00:24:54.000
there are no trophies for trauma,

551
00:24:54.000 --> 00:24:56.920
you cannot be victorious and a victim.

552
00:24:56.920 --> 00:25:00.160
So we have to choose, y'all crap happened to all of us.

553
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:04.180
I get it, life sucks sometimes, but we are here on the other side.

554
00:25:04.180 --> 00:25:09.740
The truth is that no matter what our past says, it does not need to be our future.

555
00:25:09.740 --> 00:25:15.660
And so when we start to blame other people, become the victim, blaming actually squashes

556
00:25:15.660 --> 00:25:21.180
empathy and it forces us to always look at the other person without being willing to

557
00:25:21.180 --> 00:25:23.620
look at ourself.

558
00:25:23.620 --> 00:25:29.300
Blame and being a victim actually blocks true vulnerability and real connection.

559
00:25:29.300 --> 00:25:34.220
So if you become the victim and or you're in a relationship with the victim, you cannot

560
00:25:34.220 --> 00:25:36.140
have true vulnerability.

561
00:25:36.140 --> 00:25:38.200
Um, okay.

562
00:25:38.200 --> 00:25:40.420
So be looking for these types of behavior.

563
00:25:40.420 --> 00:25:48.340
Oh no, did I print the wrong, hold on, I don't think I printed all the right pages.

564
00:25:48.340 --> 00:25:50.620
Dang it all.

565
00:25:50.620 --> 00:25:52.500
Did not print my last two pages.

566
00:25:52.500 --> 00:25:55.500
Hold on, pause that for a second.

567
00:25:55.500 --> 00:25:56.500
Woo.

568
00:25:56.500 --> 00:25:57.500
All right.

569
00:25:57.500 --> 00:26:01.180
It's a good thing I know this content really well.

570
00:26:01.180 --> 00:26:02.180
Okay.

571
00:26:02.180 --> 00:26:05.860
So the next thing I want to talk about with your boundaries is, and this is really good

572
00:26:05.860 --> 00:26:09.300
as you are doing level two and level three dating.

573
00:26:09.300 --> 00:26:13.700
Men are going to like, want to like go serious right away or not right away at all.

574
00:26:13.700 --> 00:26:18.300
They're going to want to push your boundaries with sex, with, um, physical intimacy.

575
00:26:18.300 --> 00:26:22.500
So you guys, there are four, let me go back to my notes.

576
00:26:22.500 --> 00:26:24.500
I don't want to get ahead of myself.

577
00:26:24.500 --> 00:26:25.500
Yeah.

578
00:26:25.500 --> 00:26:26.500
Okay.

579
00:26:26.500 --> 00:26:27.500
Healthy confrontation.

580
00:26:27.500 --> 00:26:33.060
So healthy confrontation, the word confrontation literally just means with full front, with

581
00:26:33.060 --> 00:26:34.060
your full front.

582
00:26:34.060 --> 00:26:35.540
It just means being super honest.

583
00:26:35.540 --> 00:26:39.460
Healthy confrontation doesn't mean yelling and screaming, does not mean that.

584
00:26:39.460 --> 00:26:43.220
So healthy confrontation, I'm going to teach you a little phrase I learned.

585
00:26:43.220 --> 00:26:46.620
It's on a sticker that's actually starting to wear out and I'm very excited about that.

586
00:26:46.620 --> 00:26:50.000
It's called slower, lower, softer, SLS.

587
00:26:50.000 --> 00:26:55.320
So when you want to confront somebody, you want to come in slower.

588
00:26:55.320 --> 00:26:59.760
You want to drop your voice and come in a little lower and you want to add some softness

589
00:26:59.760 --> 00:27:00.760
to it.

590
00:27:00.760 --> 00:27:05.840
Vivian, doesn't it make it just by me changing that, and I'm talking a little slower, I'm

591
00:27:05.840 --> 00:27:13.080
talking a little lower and a little softer, and then I even add a breath in, doesn't that

592
00:27:13.080 --> 00:27:15.520
just like make you just a little bit calmer listening to me?

593
00:27:15.520 --> 00:27:17.560
Like doesn't that just change the tone?

594
00:27:18.120 --> 00:27:21.120
So you want to come in slower, lower, softer and take deep breaths.

595
00:27:21.120 --> 00:27:27.000
You want to make sure that you are willing to be uncomfortable, you are willing to own

596
00:27:27.000 --> 00:27:32.000
your side of the street, and you really want reconciliation in that relationship.

597
00:27:32.000 --> 00:27:37.280
So it's about reconciling the relationship and not about being right.

598
00:27:37.280 --> 00:27:40.280
And here's the thing you guys, people are so afraid of confrontation.

599
00:27:40.280 --> 00:27:41.400
I can be afraid of confrontation.

600
00:27:41.400 --> 00:27:43.680
Everyone's like, oh my gosh, you're such a badass.

601
00:27:43.680 --> 00:27:47.320
I can be, but there are certain people I'm really afraid to confront.

602
00:27:47.760 --> 00:27:52.560
If the environment feels unsafe, even I don't like to confront.

603
00:27:52.560 --> 00:27:58.680
So I have to be really careful that I've been prayed up, that I am relinquished in the outcome,

604
00:27:58.680 --> 00:28:05.040
that my only job is to confront and hold my ground on how they respond to me.

605
00:28:05.040 --> 00:28:07.620
If it's unhealthy, I walk away.

606
00:28:07.620 --> 00:28:11.840
So I've now learned if somebody starts yelling and screaming back at me, I just say, you

607
00:28:11.840 --> 00:28:16.280
know what, we're going to press pause because there's just too much energy going on right

608
00:28:16.280 --> 00:28:17.280
now.

609
00:28:17.280 --> 00:28:19.240
It's not matching the situation.

610
00:28:19.240 --> 00:28:23.460
We're going to do this again when we can both come back calmly.

611
00:28:23.460 --> 00:28:27.300
And now I may not come back with that person because they may have shown me that confronting

612
00:28:27.300 --> 00:28:29.280
them is not safe for me.

613
00:28:29.280 --> 00:28:35.940
And so it is okay to pull back from the situation when you're doing confrontation.

614
00:28:35.940 --> 00:28:37.600
Number four, keep your pies in order.

615
00:28:37.600 --> 00:28:39.480
So remember I talked about intimacy.

616
00:28:39.480 --> 00:28:44.320
So men and women, because men just don't do this with women.

617
00:28:44.360 --> 00:28:50.240
Women do this with women, pastors do this, your friends do this, your boss does this.

618
00:28:50.240 --> 00:28:51.680
You have to have healthy pies.

619
00:28:51.680 --> 00:28:52.680
I call it a healthy pie.

620
00:28:52.680 --> 00:28:54.600
A pie is in a circle, right?

621
00:28:54.600 --> 00:28:57.080
Like so a circle can only be so big.

622
00:28:57.080 --> 00:29:01.480
And so the first part of that pie is P, physical.

623
00:29:01.480 --> 00:29:02.480
Physical boundaries.

624
00:29:02.480 --> 00:29:09.840
Girls, we try not to be like too physical with men, especially when we're in level one

625
00:29:09.840 --> 00:29:10.840
and two dating.

626
00:29:10.840 --> 00:29:13.120
We don't want to be putting the cart before the horse.

627
00:29:13.560 --> 00:29:17.240
If he's a hot kisser, it's going to just take off all the red flags.

628
00:29:17.240 --> 00:29:20.600
You're not going to see any of them and you're going to be like, oh my gosh, but he kisses

629
00:29:20.600 --> 00:29:21.600
so good.

630
00:29:21.600 --> 00:29:22.920
I'm going to be able to fix him.

631
00:29:22.920 --> 00:29:24.600
No, don't do it.

632
00:29:24.600 --> 00:29:28.440
The other boundary that you need to think about is I, intellect.

633
00:29:28.440 --> 00:29:32.800
You want to make sure that you don't share too much what's going on in your head, especially

634
00:29:32.800 --> 00:29:34.400
with somebody you just met.

635
00:29:34.400 --> 00:29:38.640
That is information that they may not need to know yet about you because you don't know

636
00:29:38.640 --> 00:29:41.000
that they're safe with that information.

637
00:29:41.000 --> 00:29:43.040
E, emotions.

638
00:29:43.040 --> 00:29:47.320
You don't want to make sure you're not oversharing in the emotion land with him.

639
00:29:47.320 --> 00:29:52.240
Don't talk about how much he's like your dream guy or she's like, oh my gosh, she's the best

640
00:29:52.240 --> 00:29:53.760
friend in the world.

641
00:29:53.760 --> 00:29:56.720
Watch your emotions when you get caught up in the beginning.

642
00:29:56.720 --> 00:29:57.720
And then of course, spiritual.

643
00:29:57.720 --> 00:29:59.440
Jackie talks about this a lot.

644
00:29:59.440 --> 00:30:00.000
She does not.

645
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:03.040
I recommend you guys praying together right away,

646
00:30:03.040 --> 00:30:05.120
doing a Bible study together right away,

647
00:30:05.120 --> 00:30:07.280
reading the Bible together right away,

648
00:30:07.280 --> 00:30:09.000
and are going to church together

649
00:30:09.000 --> 00:30:13.100
because it can create a false sense or spiritual intimacy

650
00:30:13.100 --> 00:30:15.280
that the relationship is not ready for.

651
00:30:15.280 --> 00:30:17.440
So keep your pies in order,

652
00:30:17.440 --> 00:30:21.680
physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual.

653
00:30:21.680 --> 00:30:24.720
Okay, boundaries in level two and level three dating.

654
00:30:24.720 --> 00:30:26.760
I kind of alluded to this.

655
00:30:26.760 --> 00:30:29.480
And we like to say in level two dating,

656
00:30:29.480 --> 00:30:31.740
that is where you're having a face-to-face

657
00:30:31.740 --> 00:30:34.320
or video one-on-one date.

658
00:30:34.320 --> 00:30:37.220
We just really want you guys to say super high level

659
00:30:37.220 --> 00:30:39.940
in your physical that you do,

660
00:30:39.940 --> 00:30:42.080
the stuff that you share about your past

661
00:30:42.080 --> 00:30:45.240
and how much you're gonna get emotionally invested.

662
00:30:45.240 --> 00:30:50.240
Somebody actually had a great question on the community app

663
00:30:50.840 --> 00:30:55.500
and she said she was concerned about his finances,

664
00:30:55.500 --> 00:30:58.300
but she also, he said he wanted to be exclusive.

665
00:30:58.300 --> 00:31:00.700
And she was like, well, I'm not ready to be exclusive.

666
00:31:00.700 --> 00:31:02.860
And I said, well, if you're not ready to be exclusive,

667
00:31:02.860 --> 00:31:05.260
he doesn't have to share his finances with you.

668
00:31:05.260 --> 00:31:06.080
I don't know about y'all,

669
00:31:06.080 --> 00:31:08.540
but I ain't sharing my financial situation

670
00:31:08.540 --> 00:31:10.820
with some guy that's not willing to commit with me.

671
00:31:10.820 --> 00:31:12.820
And so you have to make sure the content

672
00:31:12.820 --> 00:31:15.980
that you're talking about stays high level

673
00:31:15.980 --> 00:31:18.100
and you learn a little bit more and a little bit more.

674
00:31:18.100 --> 00:31:20.700
So whether it's about your faith, your family,

675
00:31:20.700 --> 00:31:25.540
sex, food, finances, whatever the topic is,

676
00:31:25.540 --> 00:31:29.580
you start high level and you only start to share more

677
00:31:29.580 --> 00:31:32.340
as you guys get more committed to each other.

678
00:31:32.340 --> 00:31:34.880
So that's super important.

679
00:31:34.880 --> 00:31:38.700
Obviously we are hoping that the handholding,

680
00:31:38.700 --> 00:31:42.480
huggy, huggy, kissy, making out

681
00:31:42.480 --> 00:31:45.060
is not happening until level three.

682
00:31:45.060 --> 00:31:47.380
Jackie did a whole sex talk with me,

683
00:31:47.380 --> 00:31:49.620
I don't know, last Christmas.

684
00:31:49.620 --> 00:31:50.480
It was hilarious.

685
00:31:50.480 --> 00:31:52.620
I did not know she was gonna ask this question

686
00:31:52.620 --> 00:31:54.460
because she's even stricter than I am

687
00:31:54.460 --> 00:31:56.540
on the whole sexual touch stuff.

688
00:31:56.540 --> 00:31:57.900
And I was like, and she's like,

689
00:31:57.900 --> 00:32:00.420
well, Renee, you haven't had time

690
00:32:00.420 --> 00:32:02.620
with the guy that you're dating, have you?

691
00:32:02.620 --> 00:32:03.780
And I was like, ah.

692
00:32:06.580 --> 00:32:09.540
And so it was quite funny.

693
00:32:09.540 --> 00:32:10.740
I will say this, you guys,

694
00:32:10.740 --> 00:32:13.240
everybody is gonna have different sexual boundaries

695
00:32:13.240 --> 00:32:15.140
because you know your sexual trauma,

696
00:32:15.140 --> 00:32:16.780
you know your sexual past.

697
00:32:16.780 --> 00:32:19.540
I know that if I'm like super horny and he's super hot

698
00:32:19.540 --> 00:32:21.040
and I'm feeling lonely,

699
00:32:21.040 --> 00:32:22.900
there's not a safe room in my condo.

700
00:32:22.900 --> 00:32:24.200
He ain't showing up that night.

701
00:32:24.840 --> 00:32:27.800
So if you have a hard time with sexual boundaries,

702
00:32:27.800 --> 00:32:29.520
then don't be alone with him so much.

703
00:32:29.520 --> 00:32:31.280
Don't let him in your condo.

704
00:32:31.280 --> 00:32:33.900
Willpower will give out at some point, I promise you.

705
00:32:33.900 --> 00:32:36.400
The fear of Jackie's face, your mother or God,

706
00:32:36.400 --> 00:32:38.080
will lose out at some point.

707
00:32:38.920 --> 00:32:41.640
Okay, now, when we get to the Q&A section

708
00:32:41.640 --> 00:32:45.260
after the breakout, you are allowed to ask each other,

709
00:32:45.260 --> 00:32:47.560
ask me questions about what I'm saying right now.

710
00:32:47.560 --> 00:32:48.840
Other topics this week.

711
00:32:48.840 --> 00:32:50.320
There's only four other topics.

712
00:32:50.320 --> 00:32:51.320
Oh, I'm doing really good.

713
00:32:51.320 --> 00:32:52.620
I'm only gonna take five more minutes

714
00:32:52.620 --> 00:32:54.380
before we go into our breakout.

715
00:32:54.380 --> 00:32:56.340
All right, other topics this week.

716
00:32:56.340 --> 00:32:59.620
First one, how to move forward in phase two

717
00:32:59.620 --> 00:33:00.900
if you're not ready to date.

718
00:33:00.900 --> 00:33:02.460
This is a common thing that we see

719
00:33:02.460 --> 00:33:04.100
with people that first come in.

720
00:33:04.100 --> 00:33:05.420
How do you move forward?

721
00:33:05.420 --> 00:33:08.500
Well, kind of follow the Love Story Accelerator guidelines,

722
00:33:08.500 --> 00:33:11.460
which is start doing your hair and makeup

723
00:33:11.460 --> 00:33:12.340
when you leave the house.

724
00:33:12.340 --> 00:33:17.260
Don't look like you're ready to go to like the Walmart.

725
00:33:17.260 --> 00:33:19.860
I'm just saying, look like you're ready to go

726
00:33:19.860 --> 00:33:24.020
into something a much cuter version than Walmart.

727
00:33:24.020 --> 00:33:25.620
Hey, we all got our Walmart outfit on,

728
00:33:25.620 --> 00:33:27.540
but don't have your Walmart outfit on.

729
00:33:27.540 --> 00:33:30.620
Okay, do things like starting to say hello to people.

730
00:33:31.500 --> 00:33:32.940
Henry Cloud kind of gives this thing

731
00:33:32.940 --> 00:33:35.060
of try to meet five new people every day.

732
00:33:35.060 --> 00:33:36.420
You know, just like, hi.

733
00:33:36.420 --> 00:33:38.180
Just like talk to five people.

734
00:33:38.180 --> 00:33:39.140
Say, hi.

735
00:33:39.140 --> 00:33:40.500
Say, how are you today?

736
00:33:40.500 --> 00:33:41.700
Like compliment somebody.

737
00:33:41.700 --> 00:33:43.520
Like, oh my gosh, your hair looks so pretty.

738
00:33:43.520 --> 00:33:45.860
You guys, I compliment people all the time.

739
00:33:45.860 --> 00:33:48.900
Like I see somebody and I try to find something about them.

740
00:33:48.900 --> 00:33:50.540
Like, oh my gosh, that is the coolest shirt.

741
00:33:50.540 --> 00:33:51.840
I really love your shirt.

742
00:33:51.840 --> 00:33:53.880
You don't know who's having a really bad day.

743
00:33:53.880 --> 00:33:56.440
So even if you just start to be friendly,

744
00:33:56.440 --> 00:33:58.120
like don't pick up your phone

745
00:33:58.120 --> 00:34:00.060
when you're standing around everywhere.

746
00:34:00.060 --> 00:34:02.400
Actually like talk to people.

747
00:34:02.400 --> 00:34:05.820
Go have dinner at a bar at a very nice restaurant.

748
00:34:05.820 --> 00:34:07.380
You'd be surprised at how many people

749
00:34:07.380 --> 00:34:09.219
are eating dinner by themselves.

750
00:34:09.219 --> 00:34:12.840
Like in that 4.30 to 6.30 range,

751
00:34:12.840 --> 00:34:15.060
people are eating dinner by themselves at a bar.

752
00:34:15.060 --> 00:34:16.500
It's a great way to talk to people.

753
00:34:16.500 --> 00:34:17.940
If no one else is gonna talk to you,

754
00:34:17.940 --> 00:34:19.420
the bartender will talk to you

755
00:34:19.420 --> 00:34:20.780
because they will feel bad for you.

756
00:34:20.780 --> 00:34:21.620
And it's all good.

757
00:34:21.620 --> 00:34:23.100
You can practice your talking skills.

758
00:34:23.100 --> 00:34:26.300
Join meetup groups, join volunteer groups.

759
00:34:26.300 --> 00:34:28.840
Just start getting used to talking to people,

760
00:34:28.840 --> 00:34:31.500
especially if you've been hiding behind a digital screen

761
00:34:31.500 --> 00:34:32.900
for a very long time.

762
00:34:32.900 --> 00:34:36.400
Those are really easy ways to get yourself out there

763
00:34:36.400 --> 00:34:37.620
before you start dating.

764
00:34:37.620 --> 00:34:38.780
So just start there.

765
00:34:38.780 --> 00:34:40.300
It is okay.

766
00:34:40.300 --> 00:34:42.940
All right, which kind of leads into the second question.

767
00:34:42.940 --> 00:34:43.940
How do you meet people

768
00:34:43.940 --> 00:34:46.100
if you don't want to do online dating?

769
00:34:46.100 --> 00:34:46.940
I always say this.

770
00:34:46.940 --> 00:34:48.300
You guys look at what's happening

771
00:34:48.300 --> 00:34:50.580
in your local community to volunteer.

772
00:34:50.580 --> 00:34:53.860
Men like to show up at things like Habitat for Humanity,

773
00:34:53.860 --> 00:34:55.900
feeding the homeless,

774
00:34:55.900 --> 00:34:57.940
or like you're at a church thing

775
00:34:57.940 --> 00:35:00.340
where you're like putting together food baskets.

776
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:06.520
Anything that's going to require men, men, painting, lifting, building, men will show

777
00:35:06.520 --> 00:35:08.120
up for those volunteer gigs.

778
00:35:08.120 --> 00:35:11.240
So try to find those in your community.

779
00:35:11.240 --> 00:35:13.120
Google meetup group.

780
00:35:13.120 --> 00:35:15.920
It's literally www.meetup.com.

781
00:35:15.920 --> 00:35:19.160
They are always offering, um, meetup events.

782
00:35:19.160 --> 00:35:22.640
And sometimes you guys, it's not always just single people, like sometimes empty nesters

783
00:35:22.640 --> 00:35:27.320
will show up at those, but you have a good shot of men and women showing up at meetup

784
00:35:27.320 --> 00:35:28.320
groups.

785
00:35:28.320 --> 00:35:31.800
And again, it's just getting you practice talking to people.

786
00:35:31.800 --> 00:35:35.840
And you guys, when you show up for a volunteer gig and or a meetup group and you only see

787
00:35:35.840 --> 00:35:38.880
a bunch of women, don't get all pissy.

788
00:35:38.880 --> 00:35:45.280
It's possible that your spirit mate is the brother or the uncle or the cousin of the

789
00:35:45.280 --> 00:35:48.160
woman that you're blowing off because it's a chick.

790
00:35:48.160 --> 00:35:49.800
So you never know.

791
00:35:49.800 --> 00:35:52.080
Remember Jackie believes in community matchmaking.

792
00:35:52.080 --> 00:35:57.240
Back in the day, our, our family and our friends used to meet people by word of mouth and by

793
00:35:57.240 --> 00:36:01.840
networking that we have lost that art, but we need to bring that art back.

794
00:36:01.840 --> 00:36:07.560
Um, try to pick a community activity, see what's going on at the YMCA in your area or

795
00:36:07.560 --> 00:36:14.360
the community club, pick, um, salsa dance lessons, pick how to play poker, pick how

796
00:36:14.360 --> 00:36:15.360
to golf.

797
00:36:15.360 --> 00:36:21.040
You guys, I, I'll tell you what, for my seminary class, I just took like a series of golf lessons.

798
00:36:21.040 --> 00:36:23.080
Y'all, there's a lot of hot golfers.

799
00:36:23.080 --> 00:36:27.120
I'm just saying like, I'm going to take my little golf clubs and go hit a bucket of

800
00:36:27.120 --> 00:36:29.240
balls at the driving range.

801
00:36:29.240 --> 00:36:33.160
Here's the best place to meet them at the driving range and the putting green and the

802
00:36:33.160 --> 00:36:34.160
chipping green.

803
00:36:34.160 --> 00:36:38.600
Cause once they're on the course, you can't really talk to them.

804
00:36:38.600 --> 00:36:42.500
So that's not a good place to talk to them, but at the putting green and the chipping

805
00:36:42.500 --> 00:36:45.620
and at the driving range, you have a better shot of chit chat.

806
00:36:45.620 --> 00:36:48.920
So be creative, go out there and start looking for guys.

807
00:36:48.920 --> 00:36:51.840
I mean, go to Home Depot or Bass Pro Shop.

808
00:36:51.840 --> 00:36:52.840
You'll find a dude.

809
00:36:53.600 --> 00:36:59.100
I'm just saying, um, during football season, find really cool sports bars where your local

810
00:36:59.100 --> 00:37:03.240
football games are going to sit at the bar, sit with a couple of girlfriends.

811
00:37:03.240 --> 00:37:07.960
I'm telling you, you guys, during March Madness one year, there was no place to sit except

812
00:37:07.960 --> 00:37:08.960
with a bunch of guys.

813
00:37:08.960 --> 00:37:09.960
There were two open seats.

814
00:37:09.960 --> 00:37:11.440
Me and my girlfriend said, Hey, you know what?

815
00:37:11.440 --> 00:37:12.440
There are no open seats.

816
00:37:12.440 --> 00:37:13.440
Do you mind if we join you guys?

817
00:37:13.440 --> 00:37:14.440
They were like, sure.

818
00:37:14.440 --> 00:37:17.320
And we ended up hanging out with these guys for like four hours.

819
00:37:17.320 --> 00:37:18.320
Okay.

820
00:37:18.320 --> 00:37:21.360
I did end up making out with a guy who was like 20 years younger than me.

821
00:37:21.360 --> 00:37:22.360
Totally inappropriate.

822
00:37:22.880 --> 00:37:23.880
That was way before Jackie.

823
00:37:23.880 --> 00:37:24.880
Don't recommend that part.

824
00:37:24.880 --> 00:37:26.880
However, it was really fun.

825
00:37:26.880 --> 00:37:28.680
Um, okay.

826
00:37:28.680 --> 00:37:29.680
Let's see.

827
00:37:29.680 --> 00:37:30.680
Next question.

828
00:37:30.680 --> 00:37:33.540
How heartwork continues in phase two.

829
00:37:33.540 --> 00:37:37.440
So people are like, it's not like heartwork is one and done.

830
00:37:37.440 --> 00:37:41.680
The heartwork that you do in phase one is so good because you're kind of digging into

831
00:37:41.680 --> 00:37:45.120
who you are and you're kind of resolving the past.

832
00:37:45.120 --> 00:37:51.160
When you start dating, you're actually trying to do heartwork while you're dating.

833
00:37:51.160 --> 00:37:55.520
So all of a sudden you're going to get new triggers that you didn't get through in phase

834
00:37:55.520 --> 00:37:56.520
one.

835
00:37:56.520 --> 00:37:59.600
That doesn't mean you need to go back and redo phase one heartwork.

836
00:37:59.600 --> 00:38:05.120
No, it just means you need to now go, how do I practice what I learned in phase one

837
00:38:05.120 --> 00:38:09.760
in this current scenario in phase two, Jackie has helped me so much in this.

838
00:38:09.760 --> 00:38:12.160
Like she, I always used to think like, Oh my gosh, I'm healed.

839
00:38:12.160 --> 00:38:13.160
I'm ready.

840
00:38:13.160 --> 00:38:15.960
And I would go in a relationship and it'd be a hot mess express.

841
00:38:15.960 --> 00:38:18.160
And I'm like, Oh my gosh, what happens?

842
00:38:18.160 --> 00:38:23.240
And Jackie's like, well, you can only do so much healing of the heartwork single.

843
00:38:23.240 --> 00:38:27.400
Some of the healing needs to happen in a healthy relationship.

844
00:38:27.400 --> 00:38:33.080
So that's why it's important that you meet a guy who is the three M's, marriage minded,

845
00:38:33.080 --> 00:38:34.080
masculine, and mature.

846
00:38:34.080 --> 00:38:37.600
And he's also on a path of heart healing.

847
00:38:37.600 --> 00:38:41.440
So the goal is to not find a guy that doesn't trigger you.

848
00:38:41.440 --> 00:38:42.720
That's not going to happen.

849
00:38:42.720 --> 00:38:46.900
A guy is human with his past, y'all will trigger each other.

850
00:38:46.900 --> 00:38:52.420
The goal is that you will both have the tools to get through your triggers together instead

851
00:38:52.420 --> 00:38:53.880
of cutting and running.

852
00:38:53.880 --> 00:38:58.940
So that is the goal with doing heartwork in phase two.

853
00:38:58.940 --> 00:39:01.060
Number four, this is just a quickie.

854
00:39:01.060 --> 00:39:06.820
Women ask me this all the time, and I'm going to actually even read you a personal text

855
00:39:06.820 --> 00:39:09.900
because I just asked this of a guy.

856
00:39:09.900 --> 00:39:14.540
And how do you ask the faith question to a guy that you're just starting to date?

857
00:39:14.540 --> 00:39:16.380
I don't say, are you a Christian?

858
00:39:16.860 --> 00:39:17.860
Do you go to church?

859
00:39:17.860 --> 00:39:18.860
Do you speak in tongues right away?

860
00:39:18.860 --> 00:39:19.860
I don't do that.

861
00:39:19.860 --> 00:39:23.020
But here's what I do say.

862
00:39:23.020 --> 00:39:26.620
I say, he's like, well, what do you want to know about me?

863
00:39:26.620 --> 00:39:31.620
And I said, tell me about the things that take up your time these days that are super

864
00:39:31.620 --> 00:39:34.580
important to you.

865
00:39:34.580 --> 00:39:38.180
Tell me about the things that take up your time these days that are super important to

866
00:39:38.180 --> 00:39:39.180
you.

867
00:39:39.180 --> 00:39:42.500
Now, mind you, he actually did not put his Christian faith on his profile, but he was

868
00:39:42.500 --> 00:39:44.980
really cute and he was local, so I gave him a chance.

869
00:39:44.980 --> 00:39:47.980
I liked the rest of his bio, I'm like, all right, I'm going to give him a chance.

870
00:39:47.980 --> 00:39:53.500
First thing he said, important to me, one, God, my relationship with my maker is the

871
00:39:53.500 --> 00:39:55.980
most important thing in my life.

872
00:39:55.980 --> 00:39:59.080
I would have never guessed that that was going to be his number one answer, you guys.

873
00:39:59.080 --> 00:40:00.020
So that totally surprised me.

874
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:05.360
Then he talked about mentoring other people, the outreach work that he does.

875
00:40:05.360 --> 00:40:07.760
And then I wrote, so he didn't really get into anything fun.

876
00:40:07.760 --> 00:40:09.200
I said, awesome.

877
00:40:09.200 --> 00:40:10.440
That's my number one thing too.

878
00:40:10.440 --> 00:40:13.880
Now I will say he has, I can tell he has a 12 step background.

879
00:40:13.880 --> 00:40:18.300
So it is possible his God is just a higher power and it ain't Jesus yet.

880
00:40:18.300 --> 00:40:20.920
I'm not going to, I'm not going to pull that trigger yet.

881
00:40:20.920 --> 00:40:23.580
I'm going to continue to get to know him a little bit.

882
00:40:23.580 --> 00:40:25.080
And I just wrote, so cool.

883
00:40:25.080 --> 00:40:27.800
Being a coach and a mentor is important to me too.

884
00:40:27.800 --> 00:40:31.440
For me, I'm also focused on healthy mind, body, and spirit.

885
00:40:31.440 --> 00:40:35.880
So my faith life, eating a health, eating healthy most of the time and exercise are

886
00:40:35.880 --> 00:40:36.880
super important.

887
00:40:36.880 --> 00:40:41.800
I also love live theater, local, love live local theater, college sports and outdoor

888
00:40:41.800 --> 00:40:42.800
stuff.

889
00:40:42.800 --> 00:40:43.800
How about you?

890
00:40:43.800 --> 00:40:47.280
So then he started to give me a little bit more.

891
00:40:47.280 --> 00:40:50.640
And so that's how I initiate the faith conversation.

892
00:40:50.640 --> 00:40:54.920
If faith doesn't show up anywhere in there, I might make note of it.

893
00:40:54.920 --> 00:40:59.720
And then later on, when we are live on a video, I do not try to do this by text.

894
00:40:59.720 --> 00:41:04.040
That is the most I will try to uncover about their faith by text.

895
00:41:04.040 --> 00:41:08.240
I will wait for a live video to say, Hey, you know what, like you and I are both old

896
00:41:08.240 --> 00:41:10.880
enough that we've been through some hard stuff.

897
00:41:10.880 --> 00:41:15.600
What have you been able to lean on and how have you successfully gotten through hard

898
00:41:15.600 --> 00:41:16.600
stuff?

899
00:41:16.600 --> 00:41:20.560
Again, as I'm giving them an opportunity for them to talk about faith there.

900
00:41:20.560 --> 00:41:25.600
Now, if they don't mention faith there and they haven't mentioned faith there, I'm then

901
00:41:25.600 --> 00:41:29.240
might be a little bit honest to say, Hey, I've noticed that you haven't really talked

902
00:41:29.240 --> 00:41:30.440
about your faith much.

903
00:41:30.440 --> 00:41:33.400
Obviously I've told you a little bit about my faith.

904
00:41:33.400 --> 00:41:37.080
Would you be willing to share a little bit more about what your faith looks like in your

905
00:41:37.080 --> 00:41:38.200
everyday life?

906
00:41:38.200 --> 00:41:42.880
If at all, what does your faith look like in your everyday life?

907
00:41:42.880 --> 00:41:48.280
If at all, Elizabeth, yes.

908
00:41:48.280 --> 00:41:49.280
Meetup.com.

909
00:41:49.280 --> 00:41:50.280
That's it.

910
00:41:51.160 --> 00:41:54.200
So that's, those are how I ask the faith questions.

911
00:41:54.200 --> 00:41:55.200
Okay.

912
00:41:55.200 --> 00:42:00.600
I'm going to now send you guys off to your breakout room with three questions that I'm

913
00:42:00.600 --> 00:42:06.240
going to put in the chat.

914
00:42:06.240 --> 00:42:07.680
And I'm going to read them out loud too.

915
00:42:07.680 --> 00:42:09.320
So you have them.

916
00:42:09.320 --> 00:42:11.840
Now there's three questions.

917
00:42:11.840 --> 00:42:18.480
You don't have to answer all three, but at least try to answer two of them.

918
00:42:18.480 --> 00:42:21.320
And the goal, I'm going to put you in a room with three people.

919
00:42:21.320 --> 00:42:24.160
Sometimes only two people show up and that's okay too.

920
00:42:24.160 --> 00:42:25.520
All right.

921
00:42:25.520 --> 00:42:27.260
So let's look at the questions.

922
00:42:27.260 --> 00:42:31.600
The first question is what type of boundaries do you struggle with the most?

923
00:42:31.600 --> 00:42:35.600
And this is like y'all being transparent with each other.

924
00:42:35.600 --> 00:42:39.440
Physical boundaries, emotional, spiritual.

925
00:42:39.440 --> 00:42:41.640
I could tell you this for myself.

926
00:42:41.640 --> 00:42:44.680
I personally get emotional really fast.

927
00:42:44.680 --> 00:42:48.200
Like I can go deep really, really quickly.

928
00:42:48.920 --> 00:42:52.380
Like I'm a vomit, I'm an emotional vomiter.

929
00:42:52.380 --> 00:42:55.960
And so I know for me, like that's my biggie.

930
00:42:55.960 --> 00:42:59.960
Then the second question, it looks like number five, I apologize that it did that.

931
00:42:59.960 --> 00:43:04.240
What areas of your life do you struggle with the most in your boundaries?

932
00:43:04.240 --> 00:43:05.240
Is it dating?

933
00:43:05.240 --> 00:43:06.240
Is it with your family?

934
00:43:06.240 --> 00:43:07.240
Is it your friends, work, church?

935
00:43:07.240 --> 00:43:08.800
It might be all of the above.

936
00:43:08.800 --> 00:43:15.280
And then your third question, which looks like number 11, where do you go most in an

937
00:43:15.280 --> 00:43:16.480
unhealthy cycle?

938
00:43:16.480 --> 00:43:19.680
Do you tend to be the controller, the victim, or the rescuer?

939
00:43:19.680 --> 00:43:23.720
Let me try recut and pasting these questions separately so it doesn't look this stupid.

940
00:43:23.720 --> 00:43:24.720
Hold on.

941
00:43:24.720 --> 00:43:27.860
I'm going to do this.

942
00:43:27.860 --> 00:43:32.600
This is the first question.

943
00:43:32.600 --> 00:43:37.880
And then I want you guys to start taking a picture of these so that one of you at least

944
00:43:37.880 --> 00:43:40.160
has them when you go into the breakout room.

945
00:43:40.160 --> 00:43:48.400
I will give you the lead into the question, but not all of the answers.

946
00:43:48.400 --> 00:43:52.520
And then if nobody shows up in your room, come back into this main room.

947
00:43:52.520 --> 00:43:53.520
Let's see.

948
00:43:53.520 --> 00:43:57.960
I've got 30 people, so I'm going to do 10 rooms.

949
00:43:57.960 --> 00:44:01.520
Okay, let's see.

950
00:44:01.520 --> 00:44:06.280
Breakout rooms.

951
00:44:06.280 --> 00:44:10.080
So going off, you guys have about, it's quarter of, I'm going to bring you back at the top

952
00:44:11.000 --> 00:44:12.000
of the hour.

953
00:44:12.000 --> 00:44:13.000
So you have almost 15 minutes.

954
00:44:13.000 --> 00:44:15.480
I might bring you back a minute earlier, and then we're going to take a good 30 minutes

955
00:44:15.480 --> 00:44:19.640
to answer all your dating questions.

956
00:44:19.640 --> 00:44:27.520
So going off to your rooms.

957
00:44:27.520 --> 00:44:29.520
I'm going to pause the recording.

958
00:44:29.520 --> 00:44:30.520
Awesome.

959
00:44:30.520 --> 00:44:34.240
Well, I've got you ladies back.

960
00:44:34.240 --> 00:44:38.840
I hope you had a fruitful conversation talking about that.

961
00:44:38.840 --> 00:44:41.000
Always is just one of those topics.

962
00:44:41.000 --> 00:44:42.560
You can't not talk about it.

963
00:44:42.560 --> 00:44:47.400
You can always come back and there's always places for you to kind of recalibrate.

964
00:44:47.400 --> 00:44:50.200
So now this is your time.

965
00:44:50.200 --> 00:44:55.080
You get to ask me any question you want, either based on something I taught tonight, something

966
00:44:55.080 --> 00:44:59.800
that came up in the breakout room, and you guys all like, I don't know, something that

967
00:44:59.800 --> 00:45:00.080
came up.

968
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:05.360
up during the week. It could be a dating situation. This is your time. I don't want to put you

969
00:45:05.360 --> 00:45:09.920
on the spot and you don't need to go first, but Larissa, I think I did specifically ask

970
00:45:09.920 --> 00:45:16.520
you if you'd be willing to bring your story tonight. So, Tanora beat you to it, but if

971
00:45:16.520 --> 00:45:20.200
you're open tonight, I'd love to be able to unpack with you a little bit about your situation.

972
00:45:20.200 --> 00:45:25.060
Cause it's so hard to just kind of text about it. And you guys, sometimes if you read a

973
00:45:25.060 --> 00:45:30.500
really long thing about a dating situation, you may see me say that you may see me or

974
00:45:30.500 --> 00:45:34.980
one of the coaches saying, you know what? I really want you to take that to the check-in

975
00:45:34.980 --> 00:45:40.300
cause I want to be able to dialogue with you about it. And I want you to hear me tone inflection,

976
00:45:40.300 --> 00:45:43.740
body language, all the things like, I don't want you to misread what I'm trying to say

977
00:45:43.740 --> 00:45:52.860
or miss. I misread what you're trying to say. So Tanora, you are up first. Can you come

978
00:45:52.860 --> 00:46:01.860
up? Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Okay. I'm ready for this, but boy, am I in trouble. Okay.

979
00:46:01.860 --> 00:46:11.700
Yeah. Yeah. I'm in trouble. Grace abounds. I'll start there. Grace. Yeah. I hope so.

980
00:46:11.700 --> 00:46:17.020
So I've been in phase two for the second week. I wasn't going to get on cause I just was

981
00:46:17.020 --> 00:46:23.940
totally embarrassed, totally emotional. So I had a one night stand, um, last night and

982
00:46:23.940 --> 00:46:31.460
I have been crying all day. It's just been, um, I always say no. I always say no. I haven't

983
00:46:31.460 --> 00:46:42.140
had a one night stand since I was 17 and I am 38. I don't know how I ended up there.

984
00:46:42.140 --> 00:46:48.260
So let's break it down. Like, what do you think, like, what was the situation? A, first

985
00:46:48.260 --> 00:46:53.900
Tanora, you are in a safe space. No women here is going to shame you. Right? So maybe

986
00:46:53.900 --> 00:46:57.820
not everyone's had a one night stand, but we all have had that morning wake up where

987
00:46:57.820 --> 00:47:04.500
we're like, Oh, I can't take that back moment. Right. So let's help unpack why that was an

988
00:47:04.500 --> 00:47:12.500
option for you. So were you coming into the day? Lonely, tired, sad, angry, hurt.

989
00:47:13.740 --> 00:47:18.420
I actually was having a pretty good day. I think that when I saw him on the app, I'll be

990
00:47:18.420 --> 00:47:25.340
honest. I immediately lusted over this and I was like, this was like a complete stranger

991
00:47:25.340 --> 00:47:34.980
hookup. And I think that that's why I'm, I'm beating myself up completely. Okay. Okay.

992
00:47:34.980 --> 00:47:41.340
So you met him on the app and you immediately agreed to a meeting. Yes. The problem was

993
00:47:41.340 --> 00:47:49.180
the time of the meeting and the problem was at his house. So what? Okay. No shame in that

994
00:47:49.180 --> 00:47:58.460
game. I'm curious what made you be willing to go over to his house? He was fine. And I

995
00:47:58.460 --> 00:48:06.140
was surprised that he was interested in me. I was completely taken back that. Look, I'm

996
00:48:06.140 --> 00:48:12.540
getting my blanket and I'm sitting on the couch for this one. Cause it's so big. Okay.

997
00:48:12.620 --> 00:48:19.100
It's awful. Well, okay. So, and has it been a really long time since a hot man said that

998
00:48:19.100 --> 00:48:26.380
you were attractive? Absolutely. My ex-husband was not cute at all and I just chose him because

999
00:48:26.380 --> 00:48:31.980
he didn't help. And I felt like I could be the helper or the fixer or the mother in his

1000
00:48:31.980 --> 00:48:39.900
situation. And I've been single for two years and yeah. Did you at least, can you at least

1001
00:48:39.900 --> 00:48:45.420
let me know if you used birth control? I, my tubes are tied, but we did not use protection

1002
00:48:45.420 --> 00:48:53.420
and I am, I am, I'm sick. I'm sick to my stomach. Okay. Well, I used to run a clinic. So, so I did

1003
00:48:53.420 --> 00:48:58.540
for 20 years. So that's why, that's why I immediately went there. So, you know, you need

1004
00:48:58.540 --> 00:49:04.140
to go get an STD test and do the due diligent thing. You can either go to a clinic, the health

1005
00:49:04.140 --> 00:49:11.980
department or your OB or walk-in clinic. And I believe, you know, you just want to do it for you.

1006
00:49:11.980 --> 00:49:20.940
You just want to do it for you. Yes. So, um, thank you so much. This is the most honest somebody has

1007
00:49:20.940 --> 00:49:26.940
been in a very long time, um, in a check-in. So I really appreciate that. I really appreciate you

1008
00:49:26.940 --> 00:49:31.740
bringing that up, you guys, because sometimes you're just horny. Y'all like, I'm using testosterone

1009
00:49:31.980 --> 00:49:36.860
right now. I want to have sex all the time. Like, I'm like, I don't know what I'm going to do. Like,

1010
00:49:36.860 --> 00:49:42.060
so no hot man is coming in my house. Cause I'm just not safe. And, and there, I can't go in his.

1011
00:49:42.700 --> 00:49:50.940
So here's what I'm going to encourage you to do is, um, first forgive yourself, you know,

1012
00:49:50.940 --> 00:49:56.940
like that permit, that forgiveness page that you did in phase one, just forgive yourself.

1013
00:49:56.940 --> 00:50:00.060
But kind of also like, there's something that.

1014
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:01.320
you said that really struck me.

1015
00:50:01.320 --> 00:50:03.240
You said he was gorgeous

1016
00:50:03.240 --> 00:50:05.580
and I can't believe that he thought I was gorgeous.

1017
00:50:05.580 --> 00:50:09.800
Y'all like, that's really tempting for all of us

1018
00:50:09.800 --> 00:50:13.040
when we finally feel desirable

1019
00:50:13.040 --> 00:50:16.400
when we didn't feel desirable before.

1020
00:50:16.400 --> 00:50:17.960
I've got to turn off the light behind me

1021
00:50:17.960 --> 00:50:19.280
cause it's bugging me that y'all like,

1022
00:50:19.280 --> 00:50:22.000
I'm like in this like weird thing going on.

1023
00:50:22.000 --> 00:50:24.840
So let's own that part of the allure of it

1024
00:50:24.840 --> 00:50:27.000
and attraction to it was because

1025
00:50:27.000 --> 00:50:29.420
you weren't feeling secure about yourself

1026
00:50:29.460 --> 00:50:30.300
in your own right.

1027
00:50:30.300 --> 00:50:33.340
Like you need to be able to say I'm hot, I'm gorgeous,

1028
00:50:33.340 --> 00:50:37.700
I'm amazing and any guy would be so lucky to find,

1029
00:50:37.700 --> 00:50:39.100
ooh, that might be too dark.

1030
00:50:41.180 --> 00:50:43.480
Let me switch the light so it's in front of me.

1031
00:50:44.860 --> 00:50:48.460
So just know that you're, remember I said to you,

1032
00:50:48.460 --> 00:50:49.900
like I said that if,

1033
00:50:49.900 --> 00:50:51.620
I think I said it at the beginning

1034
00:50:51.620 --> 00:50:53.300
before you guys did the breakout,

1035
00:50:53.300 --> 00:50:56.500
like I know that if I'm tired, angry, hungry,

1036
00:50:57.340 --> 00:51:00.240
lonely or not feeling good about myself,

1037
00:51:00.240 --> 00:51:01.980
that's when I'm going to be the most susceptible.

1038
00:51:01.980 --> 00:51:03.420
So that's when you're the most susceptible.

1039
00:51:03.420 --> 00:51:08.220
So next time you're going to give yourself some boundaries

1040
00:51:09.120 --> 00:51:12.740
and the boundary is your nuts,

1041
00:51:12.740 --> 00:51:15.260
your homes are off limit.

1042
00:51:15.260 --> 00:51:16.900
I don't care how hot he is,

1043
00:51:16.900 --> 00:51:19.300
homes are off limit and the first date,

1044
00:51:19.300 --> 00:51:22.900
no one after nine, no one after 9 p.m.

1045
00:51:22.900 --> 00:51:24.940
And if you have to have a girlfriend

1046
00:51:24.940 --> 00:51:27.460
that you need to talk you off the ledge,

1047
00:51:27.460 --> 00:51:29.820
if you cannot find that girlfriend,

1048
00:51:29.820 --> 00:51:32.140
I promise you people are on our app

1049
00:51:32.140 --> 00:51:33.820
all weird hours of the day or night.

1050
00:51:33.820 --> 00:51:36.740
I promise you if you put a post on the app and said,

1051
00:51:36.740 --> 00:51:38.460
y'all, someone talked me off the ledge,

1052
00:51:38.460 --> 00:51:40.940
there's a hot man that wants to see me.

1053
00:51:40.940 --> 00:51:43.740
I promise you some chick is going to respond to you.

1054
00:51:45.620 --> 00:51:49.020
And so just don't be afraid to use this community

1055
00:51:49.020 --> 00:51:50.100
to support each other.

1056
00:51:50.100 --> 00:51:53.820
And if you have somebody in real life that you can do that,

1057
00:51:53.820 --> 00:51:56.660
tell that person, like, can you be my girl?

1058
00:51:56.660 --> 00:51:59.340
Can you be the person that's going to say,

1059
00:51:59.340 --> 00:52:03.180
get your, no, turn your around, turn off the car,

1060
00:52:03.180 --> 00:52:06.380
do not pass go, like get back in your house,

1061
00:52:06.380 --> 00:52:08.420
put on your ugly stinking underwear

1062
00:52:08.420 --> 00:52:10.460
that you would never show up with a guy in,

1063
00:52:10.460 --> 00:52:14.540
like do something to kind of protect yourself.

1064
00:52:14.540 --> 00:52:15.900
Like it's okay.

1065
00:52:15.900 --> 00:52:19.460
But also recognizing that you were kind of in a needy place.

1066
00:52:19.460 --> 00:52:22.620
So I hate that that happened for you.

1067
00:52:22.660 --> 00:52:24.820
I'm so sorry that it did,

1068
00:52:24.820 --> 00:52:26.620
but I'm actually glad that you're safe

1069
00:52:26.620 --> 00:52:29.180
because Tenere could have gone in a bad direction, right?

1070
00:52:29.180 --> 00:52:30.980
Like he could have harmed you.

1071
00:52:30.980 --> 00:52:34.020
So, I mean, I'm at least thankful

1072
00:52:34.020 --> 00:52:35.540
that what you did was have sex.

1073
00:52:35.540 --> 00:52:38.620
He could have hurt you and you are here today.

1074
00:52:38.620 --> 00:52:41.780
So let's be thankful and grateful that you're alive

1075
00:52:41.780 --> 00:52:43.420
and that you're safe.

1076
00:52:43.420 --> 00:52:48.420
And I want you to just go get an STD test.

1077
00:52:48.460 --> 00:52:50.380
That's the clinic girl in me

1078
00:52:50.380 --> 00:52:52.540
that's going to talk to you about that.

1079
00:52:53.420 --> 00:52:55.980
I also, maybe, and this is not politically correct

1080
00:52:55.980 --> 00:52:56.940
for me to say this,

1081
00:52:56.940 --> 00:53:00.820
but next time consider having condoms near you.

1082
00:53:02.260 --> 00:53:04.740
And if he's not willing to put one on

1083
00:53:04.740 --> 00:53:05.580
and you're like, you guys,

1084
00:53:05.580 --> 00:53:07.380
I'm not condoning sex outside of marriage.

1085
00:53:07.380 --> 00:53:09.020
It's not what I'm saying here.

1086
00:53:09.020 --> 00:53:11.980
But I had a clinic full of women who were pregnant

1087
00:53:11.980 --> 00:53:16.340
and women who had an STD because 80% of the time

1088
00:53:16.340 --> 00:53:18.500
people were not using birth control and they had sex.

1089
00:53:18.500 --> 00:53:20.060
It's just the truth.

1090
00:53:20.060 --> 00:53:21.420
That's what the data says.

1091
00:53:21.420 --> 00:53:24.420
People are not having abortions because of rape and incest.

1092
00:53:24.420 --> 00:53:25.260
I know the data.

1093
00:53:25.260 --> 00:53:27.580
I've been living it for 20 years.

1094
00:53:27.580 --> 00:53:30.060
80% of all unplanned pregnancies happen

1095
00:53:30.060 --> 00:53:33.180
because somebody did not use birth control at all.

1096
00:53:33.180 --> 00:53:34.500
And so we know better.

1097
00:53:34.500 --> 00:53:38.340
So always have some backup plans ready to go for you.

1098
00:53:38.340 --> 00:53:41.540
That doesn't mean that you don't want God's best for you.

1099
00:53:41.540 --> 00:53:43.780
So I just want to encourage you

1100
00:53:43.780 --> 00:53:45.500
and you might want to do a soul tie.

1101
00:53:45.500 --> 00:53:46.740
The, you know, the soul tie prayer

1102
00:53:46.740 --> 00:53:48.460
that we all did in phase one.

1103
00:53:48.460 --> 00:53:49.980
You might want to do a soul tie

1104
00:53:49.980 --> 00:53:52.020
even though you don't even know who this dude is.

1105
00:53:52.020 --> 00:53:53.860
You did kind of create a soul tie with him.

1106
00:53:53.860 --> 00:53:55.500
So just do the soul tie,

1107
00:53:55.500 --> 00:53:56.860
what you'd forgive yourself,

1108
00:53:56.860 --> 00:54:00.220
go get an STD test and give yourself some parameters

1109
00:54:00.220 --> 00:54:02.980
of next time, how you're going to manage that.

1110
00:54:02.980 --> 00:54:04.780
And, but mostly I want you to realize

1111
00:54:04.780 --> 00:54:07.820
that you are amazing, gorgeous, valued, and loved.

1112
00:54:07.820 --> 00:54:10.580
And you deserve a guy who's going to date you.

1113
00:54:10.580 --> 00:54:11.420
I don't know.

1114
00:54:11.420 --> 00:54:12.260
Does that help at all?

1115
00:54:12.260 --> 00:54:13.420
Did anybody just say help you?

1116
00:54:15.940 --> 00:54:17.060
Absolutely.

1117
00:54:17.060 --> 00:54:18.420
It did.

1118
00:54:18.420 --> 00:54:20.860
I'm struggling with the forgiving myself part,

1119
00:54:20.860 --> 00:54:25.020
but I'll get there.

1120
00:54:25.020 --> 00:54:25.860
I'll get there.

1121
00:54:25.860 --> 00:54:26.940
So here's the phrase

1122
00:54:26.940 --> 00:54:29.540
when I have struggled with forgiving myself,

1123
00:54:29.540 --> 00:54:30.380
because let's face it,

1124
00:54:30.380 --> 00:54:33.460
we forgive other people faster than we forgive ourselves.

1125
00:54:33.460 --> 00:54:35.260
When I can't forgive myself,

1126
00:54:35.260 --> 00:54:37.340
my pastor's wife always used to say this to me.

1127
00:54:37.340 --> 00:54:38.580
So she said,

1128
00:54:38.580 --> 00:54:40.180
so are you willing to tell Jesus

1129
00:54:40.180 --> 00:54:42.100
he needs to get back up on the cross?

1130
00:54:43.660 --> 00:54:44.940
And I'm always like, duh.

1131
00:54:45.860 --> 00:54:47.260
Yeah, that's a good one.

1132
00:54:47.260 --> 00:54:48.940
I don't want him to get back up on the cross.

1133
00:54:48.940 --> 00:54:51.420
He got up there once, one and done.

1134
00:54:51.420 --> 00:54:52.700
So he's got you, girl.

1135
00:54:54.100 --> 00:54:56.180
Remember, it's like, here's our ego.

1136
00:54:56.180 --> 00:54:59.620
He can't love you anymore on your best day, right?

1137
00:54:59.620 --> 00:55:00.460
So that's for.

1138
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:04.840
or ego, but he cannot love you any less on your worst day.

1139
00:55:04.840 --> 00:55:05.920
OK.

1140
00:55:05.920 --> 00:55:08.880
Larissa, just because I called you out on it,

1141
00:55:08.880 --> 00:55:12.120
are you willing to explain your little story for me

1142
00:55:12.120 --> 00:55:14.040
and catch the group up?

1143
00:55:14.040 --> 00:55:15.440
Yes, ma'am.

1144
00:55:15.440 --> 00:55:18.240
So you guys, I'm making her go because I called her out

1145
00:55:18.240 --> 00:55:19.080
in a few posts.

1146
00:55:19.080 --> 00:55:21.840
Like, I was just like, what are you doing?

1147
00:55:21.840 --> 00:55:23.680
And so it's been two or three weeks.

1148
00:55:23.680 --> 00:55:25.440
And I'm like, get your butt to a check-in

1149
00:55:25.440 --> 00:55:26.800
so we can talk about this live.

1150
00:55:26.800 --> 00:55:28.140
That's why I'm shoving her to the front,

1151
00:55:28.140 --> 00:55:30.580
because I really kind of called her butt out on it.

1152
00:55:30.580 --> 00:55:33.340
So are you still talking to this guy?

1153
00:55:33.340 --> 00:55:34.540
Yes, I am.

1154
00:55:34.540 --> 00:55:35.820
So this is a guy that wants to.

1155
00:55:35.820 --> 00:55:36.740
She's with a guy.

1156
00:55:36.740 --> 00:55:37.900
It's been a couple of months.

1157
00:55:37.900 --> 00:55:40.220
He wants to be level three.

1158
00:55:40.220 --> 00:55:42.180
And she's like, eh, not so sure.

1159
00:55:42.180 --> 00:55:43.660
And he's the guy that you're.

1160
00:55:43.660 --> 00:55:46.180
So tell us what you like about him first.

1161
00:55:46.180 --> 00:55:49.500
Tell us why you're even still talking to him.

1162
00:55:49.500 --> 00:55:51.100
The reason why I'm still talking to him

1163
00:55:51.100 --> 00:55:56.460
is because I've seen a few godly qualities in him.

1164
00:55:56.460 --> 00:55:59.900
Because Jackie always tells us to look for the fruits, right?

1165
00:55:59.900 --> 00:56:02.220
So he is patient.

1166
00:56:02.220 --> 00:56:04.580
He's kind.

1167
00:56:04.580 --> 00:56:06.180
He's gentle.

1168
00:56:06.180 --> 00:56:07.420
He's very peaceful.

1169
00:56:07.420 --> 00:56:09.660
I feel like I can be myself, just

1170
00:56:09.660 --> 00:56:11.620
express myself around him.

1171
00:56:11.620 --> 00:56:13.180
So those are the qualities I like.

1172
00:56:13.180 --> 00:56:17.180
And that makes me want to stay and just get to know him more.

1173
00:56:17.180 --> 00:56:18.100
Yeah.

1174
00:56:18.100 --> 00:56:18.780
That's awesome.

1175
00:56:18.780 --> 00:56:19.860
Those are really sweet.

1176
00:56:19.860 --> 00:56:21.620
That's why I'm glad I brought you on here,

1177
00:56:21.620 --> 00:56:24.100
because I did not hear you say any of those nice things

1178
00:56:24.100 --> 00:56:24.940
about him.

1179
00:56:24.980 --> 00:56:26.780
I've been saying those, Brittany.

1180
00:56:26.780 --> 00:56:28.660
And you guys, here's what happens.

1181
00:56:28.660 --> 00:56:31.180
Like, we forget to tell the coaches, i.e.

1182
00:56:31.180 --> 00:56:35.980
me and Kayla, or Carla, and now Ebony, like the good stuff.

1183
00:56:35.980 --> 00:56:37.580
Because all you do is come in and are,

1184
00:56:37.580 --> 00:56:39.020
here's something I don't like about him.

1185
00:56:39.020 --> 00:56:40.500
Well, then I don't like him either,

1186
00:56:40.500 --> 00:56:42.700
because you've just told me the crappy thing about him.

1187
00:56:42.700 --> 00:56:44.180
And now I don't want to root for him.

1188
00:56:44.180 --> 00:56:45.500
I just want to tell you to run.

1189
00:56:45.500 --> 00:56:47.780
So you just mentioned some really nice things about him.

1190
00:56:47.780 --> 00:56:49.260
What are your yellow flags?

1191
00:56:49.260 --> 00:56:50.140
They're not red yet.

1192
00:56:50.140 --> 00:56:51.820
What are your yellow flags, the things

1193
00:56:51.820 --> 00:56:54.660
that you're a little concerned about?

1194
00:56:54.700 --> 00:56:57.100
Yellow flags, like, I'm not sure if it's

1195
00:56:57.100 --> 00:57:00.740
because we had our first date at a tea house, right?

1196
00:57:00.740 --> 00:57:04.140
And then the second date, I suggested we go to a park,

1197
00:57:04.140 --> 00:57:05.940
which he accepted to.

1198
00:57:05.940 --> 00:57:07.300
So we went to the park.

1199
00:57:07.300 --> 00:57:09.540
And then I was hoping the third date was going to be

1200
00:57:09.540 --> 00:57:11.100
like somewhere different, you know?

1201
00:57:11.100 --> 00:57:13.820
So I suggested we go for like a fun activity,

1202
00:57:13.820 --> 00:57:15.180
bowling or something like that.

1203
00:57:15.180 --> 00:57:19.580
He said, no, he wanted us to go to a park so we can talk.

1204
00:57:20.660 --> 00:57:23.700
And he wanted us to talk about our do's and don'ts

1205
00:57:23.740 --> 00:57:24.580
and deal breakers.

1206
00:57:24.580 --> 00:57:27.860
So I thought maybe the third date was going to be about that

1207
00:57:27.860 --> 00:57:29.900
but he didn't mention that.

1208
00:57:29.900 --> 00:57:31.180
He said he brought up the topic

1209
00:57:31.180 --> 00:57:34.100
of being the girlfriend stuff, so, yeah.

1210
00:57:34.100 --> 00:57:35.620
I mean, I'm concerned, you know,

1211
00:57:35.620 --> 00:57:37.500
that if he's a generous person,

1212
00:57:37.500 --> 00:57:39.660
cause I like someone who's generous, you know?

1213
00:57:39.660 --> 00:57:40.500
He doesn't have to be rich or-

1214
00:57:40.500 --> 00:57:42.420
So when you say generous, so let's be clear.

1215
00:57:42.420 --> 00:57:46.060
So when you say generous, do you mean with his time,

1216
00:57:46.060 --> 00:57:50.300
with his resources, or do you mean specifically just money?

1217
00:57:50.300 --> 00:57:51.460
Money.

1218
00:57:51.460 --> 00:57:52.300
Money.

1219
00:57:52.300 --> 00:57:53.140
Okay.

1220
00:57:53.900 --> 00:57:56.300
And what do you consider generous?

1221
00:57:56.300 --> 00:57:58.420
What does generous mean to you?

1222
00:57:58.420 --> 00:58:00.580
So I bet you on the five love languages,

1223
00:58:00.580 --> 00:58:03.060
is gifts one of your love languages?

1224
00:58:04.580 --> 00:58:07.980
More quality time.

1225
00:58:07.980 --> 00:58:09.060
Interesting.

1226
00:58:09.060 --> 00:58:09.900
Yeah, quality time is number one for me.

1227
00:58:09.900 --> 00:58:11.340
So the man's giving you quality time

1228
00:58:11.340 --> 00:58:13.940
but you want him to spend money on you, okay.

1229
00:58:13.940 --> 00:58:15.580
I mean, spend a little.

1230
00:58:15.580 --> 00:58:16.740
Quality like it is, girl.

1231
00:58:16.740 --> 00:58:18.500
All right, so here's what you can do.

1232
00:58:18.500 --> 00:58:20.860
There's no shame in this game.

1233
00:58:20.860 --> 00:58:22.460
We all want to be treated well.

1234
00:58:22.500 --> 00:58:23.540
I just want to make sure,

1235
00:58:23.540 --> 00:58:27.140
would you be okay if he took you to a really great restaurant

1236
00:58:27.140 --> 00:58:28.940
that was more meat and three,

1237
00:58:28.940 --> 00:58:33.180
or does it need to be a five-star Michelin rated restaurant?

1238
00:58:33.180 --> 00:58:35.940
It doesn't have to be five-star, just somewhere, you know,

1239
00:58:35.940 --> 00:58:38.620
so that we can eat, yeah, just spend money, you know?

1240
00:58:38.620 --> 00:58:39.460
Right, okay.

1241
00:58:39.460 --> 00:58:41.540
So here's what you can do.

1242
00:58:41.540 --> 00:58:43.820
Cause you've been talking for about two months, right?

1243
00:58:43.820 --> 00:58:44.940
Right, two months now.

1244
00:58:44.940 --> 00:58:48.180
Okay, so you guys, they've been talking for two months.

1245
00:58:48.180 --> 00:58:51.020
So I do not recommend this in the first week.

1246
00:58:51.020 --> 00:58:54.180
How many live dates have you had in the two months?

1247
00:58:54.180 --> 00:58:56.700
Two months, we've had more video dates,

1248
00:58:56.700 --> 00:59:00.860
but so far, three live dates.

1249
00:59:00.860 --> 00:59:01.700
Last week's only made our third date.

1250
00:59:01.700 --> 00:59:04.260
Now, are you having more video dates?

1251
00:59:04.260 --> 00:59:07.100
How far away are you guys from each other?

1252
00:59:07.100 --> 00:59:09.780
I mean, the reason why we have just three video dates

1253
00:59:09.780 --> 00:59:12.380
is cause the first month when we just started chatting,

1254
00:59:12.380 --> 00:59:14.940
right, he had an exam he was preparing for.

1255
00:59:14.940 --> 00:59:16.020
Oh yeah, yeah, that's right.

1256
00:59:16.020 --> 00:59:16.860
Right, so we couldn't be doing that time.

1257
00:59:16.860 --> 00:59:18.220
This was the exam guy.

1258
00:59:18.220 --> 00:59:19.060
Right, right. That's right.

1259
00:59:19.140 --> 00:59:20.260
That was the other flag.

1260
00:59:20.260 --> 00:59:21.380
I wasn't sure about him

1261
00:59:21.380 --> 00:59:23.620
if he was kind of blowing you off with the study.

1262
00:59:23.620 --> 00:59:24.460
Okay.

1263
00:59:24.460 --> 00:59:25.300
Oh no, no.

1264
00:59:25.300 --> 00:59:26.500
He did take the exam and he passed, so.

1265
00:59:26.500 --> 00:59:27.580
Yeah, yeah, he did.

1266
00:59:27.580 --> 00:59:28.740
Okay.

1267
00:59:28.740 --> 00:59:30.380
So here's what you can say.

1268
00:59:30.380 --> 00:59:33.860
So here's where she gets to be a little more bold

1269
00:59:33.860 --> 00:59:37.500
because he already has asked her to go exclusive

1270
00:59:38.620 --> 00:59:40.300
and they've been talking for two months.

1271
00:59:40.300 --> 00:59:43.140
So when somebody asks you to go exclusive,

1272
00:59:43.140 --> 00:59:44.420
it does give you the right

1273
00:59:44.420 --> 00:59:47.340
to ask a few more serious questions.

1274
00:59:47.420 --> 00:59:49.940
And so Larissa, at this point, you can just say to him,

1275
00:59:49.940 --> 00:59:52.700
but I would wait to have this conversation live.

1276
00:59:52.700 --> 00:59:54.460
You are not gonna do it by video.

1277
00:59:54.460 --> 00:59:55.900
You are not gonna text it

1278
00:59:55.900 --> 00:59:58.020
and you're not gonna do this by phone.

1279
00:59:58.020 --> 01:00:00.220
The more delicate the conversation.

1280
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:02.600
the more alive it needs to be.

1281
01:00:02.600 --> 01:00:03.660
Y'all hear me?

1282
01:00:03.660 --> 01:00:05.760
Confrontation, do it live.

1283
01:00:05.760 --> 01:00:09.360
Do not do it with a computer screen or something else.

1284
01:00:09.360 --> 01:00:12.260
Please, for the love of God, do not text this conversation.

1285
01:00:12.260 --> 01:00:13.440
It will not end well.

1286
01:00:14.320 --> 01:00:16.560
So you can just say, you know what?

1287
01:00:16.560 --> 01:00:18.380
You can just say, I'm just gonna say his name is Tom,

1288
01:00:18.380 --> 01:00:19.320
just for the sake of this.

1289
01:00:19.320 --> 01:00:20.960
We're gonna keep it anonymous.

1290
01:00:20.960 --> 01:00:24.700
So, hey Tom, I've enjoyed getting to know you.

1291
01:00:24.700 --> 01:00:27.640
I have to be really honest about a couple of things.

1292
01:00:27.640 --> 01:00:30.840
One, before I can go exclusive,

1293
01:00:30.840 --> 01:00:33.840
I think I need to have more dates

1294
01:00:33.840 --> 01:00:37.280
that are more live experiences with you.

1295
01:00:37.280 --> 01:00:39.680
It's been really nice talking to you,

1296
01:00:39.680 --> 01:00:43.200
but I need to make sure that your actions

1297
01:00:43.200 --> 01:00:45.700
line up with everything that you're saying.

1298
01:00:45.700 --> 01:00:47.840
That includes taking me out to dinner,

1299
01:00:47.840 --> 01:00:51.320
taking me bowling, having us go putt-putt,

1300
01:00:51.320 --> 01:00:52.760
meeting some of your friends,

1301
01:00:52.760 --> 01:00:54.560
meeting some of my friends.

1302
01:00:54.880 --> 01:00:59.040
You know, like treating me like a real date.

1303
01:00:59.040 --> 01:01:01.560
Like I don't wanna like fall into this trap

1304
01:01:01.560 --> 01:01:04.840
of just video chatting and phone call

1305
01:01:04.840 --> 01:01:06.480
and dating in each other's homes.

1306
01:01:06.480 --> 01:01:08.960
Like I wanna be courted.

1307
01:01:08.960 --> 01:01:10.640
I wanna be courted.

1308
01:01:10.640 --> 01:01:13.160
And I wanna be courted in person.

1309
01:01:13.160 --> 01:01:17.720
I feel like those are really good ways

1310
01:01:17.720 --> 01:01:22.720
to like drop the hanky, i.e. do take me out on a date,

1311
01:01:22.840 --> 01:01:24.160
like not at a park.

1312
01:01:24.760 --> 01:01:26.000
And if he mentions a park, you can say,

1313
01:01:26.000 --> 01:01:27.440
look, I really don't wanna just do

1314
01:01:27.440 --> 01:01:29.360
the park talking thing again.

1315
01:01:30.240 --> 01:01:33.400
Again, I wanna have real experiences with you.

1316
01:01:33.400 --> 01:01:36.200
I would like to feel special.

1317
01:01:36.200 --> 01:01:38.320
I would like to see you court me.

1318
01:01:39.360 --> 01:01:42.520
I like how you said that, like to feel special, yeah.

1319
01:01:42.520 --> 01:01:43.360
Well, I know.

1320
01:01:43.360 --> 01:01:45.800
So special is like, so say court me.

1321
01:01:45.800 --> 01:01:49.560
I want you to kind of treat these dates like real dates.

1322
01:01:49.560 --> 01:01:51.820
I think that our society has lost sight

1323
01:01:51.820 --> 01:01:53.920
of how to date well.

1324
01:01:54.680 --> 01:01:56.680
Now, if he still doesn't take the bait,

1325
01:01:57.600 --> 01:02:01.000
so why is him spending money on you important?

1326
01:02:01.000 --> 01:02:04.320
Do you feel like in the past men have mistreated you

1327
01:02:04.320 --> 01:02:09.000
or not seen you as valuable enough to spend money on you?

1328
01:02:09.000 --> 01:02:10.920
Like, why is that a concern for you?

1329
01:02:12.640 --> 01:02:14.520
It's not based on past experiences.

1330
01:02:14.520 --> 01:02:16.120
I just wanna be sure that, you know,

1331
01:02:16.120 --> 01:02:18.760
wherever I marry in the future,

1332
01:02:18.760 --> 01:02:20.600
you know, though I have my own finances,

1333
01:02:20.600 --> 01:02:23.560
but I want someone who is able to spend on me,

1334
01:02:24.200 --> 01:02:26.440
not me using my own money and doing stuff on myself,

1335
01:02:26.440 --> 01:02:29.280
but someone who can willingly, you know, just spend on me.

1336
01:02:29.280 --> 01:02:30.120
Yeah.

1337
01:02:30.120 --> 01:02:30.940
Yeah.

1338
01:02:30.940 --> 01:02:32.880
All right, well then here's, so you really are,

1339
01:02:32.880 --> 01:02:35.940
it's more than his generosity

1340
01:02:35.940 --> 01:02:38.320
is he fiscally safe and responsible.

1341
01:02:38.320 --> 01:02:41.480
And that's also a fair conversation you can have with him

1342
01:02:41.480 --> 01:02:43.520
because he's also asked you to be exclusive.

1343
01:02:43.520 --> 01:02:46.560
Like, hey, I have to, you know, be super honest with you

1344
01:02:46.560 --> 01:02:49.300
that before I'm exclusive with somebody,

1345
01:02:49.300 --> 01:02:51.940
I need to know that they are financially secure.

1346
01:02:51.940 --> 01:02:53.780
I need to know that they can afford

1347
01:02:53.780 --> 01:02:55.260
to take care of themselves.

1348
01:02:55.260 --> 01:02:58.420
They can afford to be kind and generous with me.

1349
01:02:58.420 --> 01:03:00.780
And that if we brought our finances together,

1350
01:03:00.780 --> 01:03:03.260
we would only both grow the pot

1351
01:03:03.260 --> 01:03:06.400
as opposed to the burden coming on me.

1352
01:03:06.400 --> 01:03:08.820
Where are you at with your financial situation?

1353
01:03:08.820 --> 01:03:11.620
Do you feel like that sounds about right with you,

1354
01:03:11.620 --> 01:03:13.500
where you're at or where you're heading?

1355
01:03:13.500 --> 01:03:16.940
So that's how you can kind of bring it up.

1356
01:03:16.940 --> 01:03:20.020
So that's talking about finances without saying,

1357
01:03:20.020 --> 01:03:21.900
I need you to like spend money on me.

1358
01:03:23.780 --> 01:03:24.620
You're getting there

1359
01:03:24.620 --> 01:03:27.860
because you're speaking to his fiscal responsibility,

1360
01:03:27.860 --> 01:03:29.420
his saving.

1361
01:03:29.420 --> 01:03:33.320
Again, ladies, she can start to ask these tougher questions

1362
01:03:33.320 --> 01:03:35.500
because he's wanted to go exclusive.

1363
01:03:35.500 --> 01:03:40.320
It is fair to ask certain things before exclusivity.

1364
01:03:40.320 --> 01:03:41.620
And you really wanna make sure

1365
01:03:41.620 --> 01:03:43.780
you're kind of on the same place.

1366
01:03:43.780 --> 01:03:45.700
Right, well, I mean, I'm happy that he said

1367
01:03:45.700 --> 01:03:48.380
I should ask him whatever questions, you know, so.

1368
01:03:48.380 --> 01:03:49.200
Yeah.

1369
01:03:49.200 --> 01:03:50.960
Definitely asking those questions, yeah.

1370
01:03:50.960 --> 01:03:52.080
Perfect.

1371
01:03:52.080 --> 01:03:54.300
I wanted to help kind of dialogue that with you

1372
01:03:54.300 --> 01:03:57.240
to give you some new ways to bring that up with him

1373
01:03:57.240 --> 01:04:00.760
and keep us posted and let us know how he responds, okay?

1374
01:04:00.760 --> 01:04:02.440
Definitely, thank you so much, Renee.

1375
01:04:02.440 --> 01:04:03.280
You bet, sweetie.

1376
01:04:03.280 --> 01:04:04.560
Okay, Becca, you're up.

1377
01:04:05.800 --> 01:04:07.760
So we were talking a little bit in our group

1378
01:04:07.760 --> 01:04:12.400
about like when you are dating multiple people

1379
01:04:12.400 --> 01:04:15.240
versus when you're dating just like one person at a time.

1380
01:04:15.240 --> 01:04:16.960
And I'm really thoughtful about this

1381
01:04:16.960 --> 01:04:19.160
as I'm jumping back into dating.

1382
01:04:20.000 --> 01:04:22.360
In my mind, I feel anxious about getting back into it

1383
01:04:22.360 --> 01:04:23.200
for a lot of reasons.

1384
01:04:23.200 --> 01:04:25.960
But in my mind, if I'm dating multiple people,

1385
01:04:25.960 --> 01:04:29.120
then it's like a method of boundaries

1386
01:04:29.120 --> 01:04:33.200
because I have to recognize multiple people.

1387
01:04:33.200 --> 01:04:34.940
And capacity-wise,

1388
01:04:34.940 --> 01:04:37.600
that can be slightly overwhelming for me.

1389
01:04:37.600 --> 01:04:41.280
So then I'm thinking, well, if I keep it to fewer people,

1390
01:04:41.280 --> 01:04:44.000
what are the things that I can still do

1391
01:04:44.000 --> 01:04:46.520
to be intentional about those boundaries

1392
01:04:46.520 --> 01:04:48.760
or things I can watch for

1393
01:04:49.560 --> 01:04:51.640
that is not just like sort of naturally created

1394
01:04:51.640 --> 01:04:53.560
by having multiple people?

1395
01:04:53.560 --> 01:04:55.200
Does that make sense?

1396
01:04:55.200 --> 01:04:59.080
Yeah, so here are the things I try to...

1397
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:04.080
I will say this too, since I've been in this program,

1398
01:05:04.080 --> 01:05:05.680
I have twice taken,

1399
01:05:05.680 --> 01:05:07.600
I've dated multiple people at the same time

1400
01:05:07.600 --> 01:05:09.160
and I've taken two relationships

1401
01:05:09.160 --> 01:05:11.680
all the way to talking about marriage.

1402
01:05:11.680 --> 01:05:14.960
And in none of those situations did I have sex with them.

1403
01:05:14.960 --> 01:05:19.520
And that really helped me navigate those relationships.

1404
01:05:19.520 --> 01:05:21.880
I have had sex before you guys, sex is amazing.

1405
01:05:21.880 --> 01:05:23.520
I'm not saying that it's not,

1406
01:05:23.520 --> 01:05:25.480
but every time I've done that in the past,

1407
01:05:25.480 --> 01:05:28.240
it has just been a hot mess express and breaking up.

1408
01:05:28.240 --> 01:05:31.360
But that guy has cost me so much.

1409
01:05:31.360 --> 01:05:35.000
So even though God says it's the right thing for us,

1410
01:05:35.000 --> 01:05:37.120
I can just attest, I've been there, done it.

1411
01:05:37.120 --> 01:05:38.920
And so I appreciate that you're trying

1412
01:05:38.920 --> 01:05:40.000
to find healthy boundaries.

1413
01:05:40.000 --> 01:05:42.840
And I'm assuming not just physical boundaries,

1414
01:05:42.840 --> 01:05:45.720
like how do I not get emotionally attached to this guy?

1415
01:05:46.920 --> 01:05:49.000
So emotional attachment,

1416
01:05:49.000 --> 01:05:52.160
some of the best ways to keep your mind

1417
01:05:52.160 --> 01:05:54.560
like not getting too emotionally attached

1418
01:05:54.560 --> 01:05:55.840
is stay in the present

1419
01:05:55.840 --> 01:05:57.520
and talk a little bit about the future.

1420
01:05:58.120 --> 01:05:59.600
Don't talk about the past so much.

1421
01:05:59.600 --> 01:06:01.520
Usually when we start talking about the past,

1422
01:06:01.520 --> 01:06:03.160
like if I'm gonna talk about the past,

1423
01:06:03.160 --> 01:06:04.560
I might say things like,

1424
01:06:04.560 --> 01:06:06.440
oh, I used to cheer in high school and college.

1425
01:06:06.440 --> 01:06:08.320
Like I used to be really good in math.

1426
01:06:08.320 --> 01:06:09.840
I used to be an engineer.

1427
01:06:09.840 --> 01:06:12.480
Like I might say things like that,

1428
01:06:12.480 --> 01:06:16.080
but I'm not gonna talk about my relationship with my father.

1429
01:06:16.080 --> 01:06:18.360
I'm not gonna talk about my recovery work.

1430
01:06:18.360 --> 01:06:20.800
I'm not gonna talk about my eating disorder.

1431
01:06:20.800 --> 01:06:23.080
I'm not gonna talk about my sexual assault.

1432
01:06:23.080 --> 01:06:24.160
Like, you know what I'm saying?

1433
01:06:24.400 --> 01:06:28.680
I keep the content of my past very PG.

1434
01:06:28.680 --> 01:06:31.160
So keep the past very PG.

1435
01:06:31.160 --> 01:06:33.320
Keep the past something you wouldn't mind

1436
01:06:33.320 --> 01:06:36.200
telling somebody in life group or in a small group.

1437
01:06:36.200 --> 01:06:37.720
Like, you know what I'm saying?

1438
01:06:37.720 --> 01:06:40.880
So emotionally, I stick to the past

1439
01:06:40.880 --> 01:06:42.880
with only like G level stuff.

1440
01:06:42.880 --> 01:06:45.200
I talk about what I want today

1441
01:06:45.200 --> 01:06:47.320
and in the next year the most.

1442
01:06:47.320 --> 01:06:49.720
If I start dreaming too much with him,

1443
01:06:49.720 --> 01:06:52.200
I'm also gonna go on emotional rollercoaster.

1444
01:06:52.200 --> 01:06:54.760
Like, oh my gosh, like I want this house.

1445
01:06:54.760 --> 01:06:57.120
I want like two kids and I wanna be able to do this.

1446
01:06:57.120 --> 01:06:58.400
And we all start dreaming.

1447
01:06:58.400 --> 01:07:00.320
We like start dreaming of this life together

1448
01:07:00.320 --> 01:07:03.440
and we haven't even experienced today together.

1449
01:07:03.440 --> 01:07:05.720
So the more you stay in the present,

1450
01:07:05.720 --> 01:07:09.520
the more you can stay emotionally a little bit detached.

1451
01:07:09.520 --> 01:07:14.520
Do as much group dating and public dating as possible.

1452
01:07:14.960 --> 01:07:17.840
And when I say group dating, go out with like another couple

1453
01:07:17.840 --> 01:07:19.520
and somebody else that you're good friends with.

1454
01:07:19.520 --> 01:07:21.160
I'm not saying like 10 people.

1455
01:07:21.160 --> 01:07:26.160
Like, but I'm just saying do a lot of in public dates.

1456
01:07:26.280 --> 01:07:29.120
The more you play house in your home,

1457
01:07:29.120 --> 01:07:31.520
the more you're playing house in your home.

1458
01:07:31.520 --> 01:07:35.200
And y'all I'm the, you know, kind of like to Larissa's point

1459
01:07:35.200 --> 01:07:38.920
the last guy dated, I let his finances dictate it

1460
01:07:38.920 --> 01:07:39.920
and we started hanging out

1461
01:07:39.920 --> 01:07:41.920
in each other's homes way too fast.

1462
01:07:41.920 --> 01:07:44.360
And it created a lot of emotional intimacy

1463
01:07:44.360 --> 01:07:45.320
within six weeks.

1464
01:07:45.320 --> 01:07:47.960
It was insane how much we just started vomiting

1465
01:07:47.960 --> 01:07:48.800
with each other.

1466
01:07:49.680 --> 01:07:54.080
And so I would say stick to dates outside your home,

1467
01:07:54.080 --> 01:07:56.440
pick fun things to do where you're not just talking

1468
01:07:56.440 --> 01:07:57.320
to each other.

1469
01:07:57.320 --> 01:07:59.960
To Larissa's point, it's not even just a money thing

1470
01:07:59.960 --> 01:08:02.520
but if all you're doing is staring at each other talking,

1471
01:08:02.520 --> 01:08:05.080
you can't help but just vomit your story.

1472
01:08:05.080 --> 01:08:06.920
So try to do stuff.

1473
01:08:06.920 --> 01:08:10.280
There is, somebody said date the alphabet

1474
01:08:10.280 --> 01:08:11.920
and I loved this idea.

1475
01:08:11.920 --> 01:08:13.080
Like, all right, what are we gonna do

1476
01:08:13.080 --> 01:08:14.800
that starts with the letter A?

1477
01:08:14.800 --> 01:08:16.840
Like, what are we gonna do that starts with the letter B?

1478
01:08:16.840 --> 01:08:18.120
Oh, we're gonna go bowling.

1479
01:08:18.160 --> 01:08:22.399
C, we're gonna go pick up caterpillars.

1480
01:08:22.399 --> 01:08:23.279
I mean, you know what I'm saying?

1481
01:08:23.279 --> 01:08:26.399
It's like, try to come up with like creative dates.

1482
01:08:27.840 --> 01:08:31.880
And then obviously really limit how much sexual

1483
01:08:31.880 --> 01:08:33.960
and or spiritual connection you create.

1484
01:08:33.960 --> 01:08:37.279
So those are the ways I've helped manage

1485
01:08:37.279 --> 01:08:39.319
when I'm talking to different guys.

1486
01:08:39.319 --> 01:08:41.560
The other thing is it does ebb and flow.

1487
01:08:41.560 --> 01:08:44.120
Like I just got back online

1488
01:08:44.120 --> 01:08:46.000
after like three months of taking it off.

1489
01:08:46.040 --> 01:08:48.319
So of course, the minute you turn it back on,

1490
01:08:48.319 --> 01:08:49.840
like it's like all there.

1491
01:08:49.840 --> 01:08:52.880
And so like, but you guys, I'm really funny

1492
01:08:52.880 --> 01:08:55.080
because like right away guys wanna like

1493
01:08:55.080 --> 01:08:56.359
get all the information.

1494
01:08:56.359 --> 01:08:57.800
I'm like, those are great questions.

1495
01:08:57.800 --> 01:08:59.200
I'd love to have a video chat.

1496
01:08:59.200 --> 01:09:01.279
And then what's the next thing they do?

1497
01:09:01.279 --> 01:09:02.800
They throw me their cell phone number.

1498
01:09:02.800 --> 01:09:04.840
I didn't say I wanted your cell phone number.

1499
01:09:04.840 --> 01:09:07.720
And so I say, I'm sorry, I don't give out my cell phone

1500
01:09:07.720 --> 01:09:09.359
number when I haven't met you online.

1501
01:09:09.359 --> 01:09:10.760
I mean, on a video chat.

1502
01:09:10.760 --> 01:09:14.760
I'm sure you understand and you wanna respect my safety.

1503
01:09:14.760 --> 01:09:16.120
I would love to have a video chat.

1504
01:09:16.120 --> 01:09:17.040
I've got a Zoom account.

1505
01:09:17.040 --> 01:09:18.680
It's free to download.

1506
01:09:18.680 --> 01:09:21.040
Two guys literally never messaged me back after that.

1507
01:09:21.040 --> 01:09:24.640
I'm like, oh, so you were willing to chat with me by phone.

1508
01:09:24.640 --> 01:09:26.800
And so like me kind of setting up

1509
01:09:26.800 --> 01:09:28.279
those kinds of boundaries right away,

1510
01:09:28.279 --> 01:09:32.840
Becca, it lobs off a lot of stinky guys right away.

1511
01:09:32.840 --> 01:09:35.000
Like I'm not gonna even have the chance

1512
01:09:35.000 --> 01:09:35.880
of screwing up with them

1513
01:09:35.880 --> 01:09:37.240
because they're gonna pull themselves

1514
01:09:37.240 --> 01:09:39.060
out of the running really quickly.

1515
01:09:40.880 --> 01:09:43.760
And remember level two discovery dating

1516
01:09:43.760 --> 01:09:45.720
is not dating like we think.

1517
01:09:45.720 --> 01:09:48.479
So this is not like you're dating your high school boyfriend

1518
01:09:48.479 --> 01:09:50.960
and you're also dating the guy at the lacrosse.

1519
01:09:50.960 --> 01:09:52.080
That's not what this is.

1520
01:09:52.080 --> 01:09:54.360
Discovery dating is just getting to know people.

1521
01:09:54.360 --> 01:09:55.640
Believe it or not, Becca,

1522
01:09:55.640 --> 01:09:58.260
you and I can have a level two date together

1523
01:09:58.260 --> 01:09:59.960
where it happens all the time.

1524
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:02.360
We meet somebody at church or in a group and we're like,

1525
01:10:02.360 --> 01:10:04.240
oh my gosh, Becca seemed really cool.

1526
01:10:04.240 --> 01:10:05.600
I want to get to know Becca.

1527
01:10:05.600 --> 01:10:08.080
Becca, do you want to go out for coffee or Mexican food

1528
01:10:08.080 --> 01:10:09.800
or let's go get a glass of wine?

1529
01:10:09.800 --> 01:10:12.520
That's us having a level two discovery date.

1530
01:10:12.520 --> 01:10:14.360
It is us just getting to know each other

1531
01:10:14.360 --> 01:10:17.080
and deciding if we want to hang out together again.

1532
01:10:17.080 --> 01:10:20.340
So that's also what I try to do to just think about it.

1533
01:10:20.340 --> 01:10:22.840
Like, this isn't dating like when I was 16.

1534
01:10:22.840 --> 01:10:25.600
This is like, I'm just getting to know people.

1535
01:10:25.600 --> 01:10:27.460
And again, because you're meeting strangers,

1536
01:10:27.460 --> 01:10:30.220
like back in the old day, this happened naturally

1537
01:10:30.220 --> 01:10:32.900
in the classroom and at work and at church.

1538
01:10:32.900 --> 01:10:34.500
You got to know each other.

1539
01:10:34.500 --> 01:10:36.740
You got to know some guy for a couple of months

1540
01:10:36.740 --> 01:10:39.500
that by the time he finally asked you out on a date,

1541
01:10:39.500 --> 01:10:41.280
it was a big freaking deal.

1542
01:10:41.280 --> 01:10:43.060
Well, that's not where we're at right now.

1543
01:10:43.060 --> 01:10:45.260
Like right now, you're just getting to know somebody.

1544
01:10:45.260 --> 01:10:47.940
And so just kind of, and you will weed out

1545
01:10:47.940 --> 01:10:49.700
the guys that just want to have sex,

1546
01:10:49.700 --> 01:10:51.940
the guys that don't want a relationship.

1547
01:10:51.940 --> 01:10:53.440
You're going to weed them out

1548
01:10:53.440 --> 01:10:56.840
because you're kind of setting all of this stuff up

1549
01:10:56.880 --> 01:10:58.200
and it's just going to save you.

1550
01:10:58.200 --> 01:10:59.640
I don't know, does that help?

1551
01:10:59.640 --> 01:11:00.760
Yes, hugely helpful.

1552
01:11:00.760 --> 01:11:03.480
Especially the, I'm not talking about the past piece.

1553
01:11:03.480 --> 01:11:06.440
Actually, that seems like a really,

1554
01:11:06.440 --> 01:11:08.760
like I can do that right away.

1555
01:11:08.760 --> 01:11:10.920
And that's going to be huge for me.

1556
01:11:10.920 --> 01:11:14.160
I also totally did the playing house thing.

1557
01:11:14.160 --> 01:11:16.720
I mean, like I, my food shopping went directly

1558
01:11:16.720 --> 01:11:19.280
into his fridge for like four months.

1559
01:11:19.280 --> 01:11:24.080
And so bad, bad story, wrong game, not doing that again.

1560
01:11:24.080 --> 01:11:24.920
But yeah.

1561
01:11:24.920 --> 01:11:27.640
Girl, I mean, I, it's my Achilles heel.

1562
01:11:27.640 --> 01:11:30.900
Like I've mastered the no sex thing,

1563
01:11:30.900 --> 01:11:33.320
but like I've not mastered the not cooking

1564
01:11:33.320 --> 01:11:36.720
because I'm a great cook and I, it's my love language.

1565
01:11:36.720 --> 01:11:38.600
And so you know what though?

1566
01:11:38.600 --> 01:11:40.600
You can cook and bring it to a picnic.

1567
01:11:42.360 --> 01:11:46.240
Bring it not in his house and not in your house.

1568
01:11:46.240 --> 01:11:48.860
So I give you guys all this advice

1569
01:11:48.860 --> 01:11:51.800
and I have broken all of it myself.

1570
01:11:51.800 --> 01:11:54.240
So like, I totally, totally get it.

1571
01:11:54.240 --> 01:11:55.600
Ebony, did you want to chime in?

1572
01:11:55.600 --> 01:11:57.560
I can't see where you are anymore, but I know you're here.

1573
01:11:57.560 --> 01:12:00.360
Did you want to chime in on anything I've answered so far?

1574
01:12:00.360 --> 01:12:01.880
No, that was all great.

1575
01:12:01.880 --> 01:12:03.200
I agree.

1576
01:12:03.200 --> 01:12:04.400
Okay, awesome.

1577
01:12:04.400 --> 01:12:05.960
Awesome sweetie.

1578
01:12:05.960 --> 01:12:07.240
Okay, but feel free to interrupt me

1579
01:12:07.240 --> 01:12:08.800
if I forget to call on you.

1580
01:12:08.800 --> 01:12:10.280
Okay, Phoebe, you're up.

1581
01:12:12.720 --> 01:12:13.800
Hi, thanks so much.

1582
01:12:14.800 --> 01:12:16.920
Yeah, what you've been saying in response

1583
01:12:16.920 --> 01:12:19.120
to Becca's question has been helpful too actually.

1584
01:12:19.120 --> 01:12:23.560
I, so I've just gotten back into dating.

1585
01:12:24.160 --> 01:12:27.000
I went to, on a speed dating event, met a guy.

1586
01:12:27.000 --> 01:12:30.200
We, I went on vacation.

1587
01:12:30.200 --> 01:12:31.840
So we were chatting a bit, voice notes,

1588
01:12:31.840 --> 01:12:34.360
that sort of thing, had our first dates

1589
01:12:34.360 --> 01:12:36.240
and we went stand up paddle boarding.

1590
01:12:38.200 --> 01:12:40.520
And it was, it was a lot of fun.

1591
01:12:41.360 --> 01:12:43.760
He kind of steered the conversation more like,

1592
01:12:43.760 --> 01:12:44.640
well, what are you looking for?

1593
01:12:44.640 --> 01:12:45.480
What do you want to read?

1594
01:12:45.480 --> 01:12:47.720
Like in a relationship, what do you like in guys?

1595
01:12:47.720 --> 01:12:51.480
Like when I was trying to do, as we've talked about here,

1596
01:12:51.480 --> 01:12:54.000
like present, you know,

1597
01:12:56.440 --> 01:13:00.760
surface level of stuff, just getting to know each other.

1598
01:13:00.760 --> 01:13:05.760
We have a second date and I'm just looking for advice on,

1599
01:13:07.840 --> 01:13:11.000
I guess like how to, I expect more questions

1600
01:13:11.000 --> 01:13:12.560
along those lines.

1601
01:13:12.560 --> 01:13:17.560
And I feel like I need to start being clearer about,

1602
01:13:18.320 --> 01:13:19.920
cause I just don't know.

1603
01:13:20.280 --> 01:13:22.320
I know he grew up, I think, you know,

1604
01:13:22.320 --> 01:13:25.600
like a little bit more legalistic religious background.

1605
01:13:25.600 --> 01:13:27.440
He says he talks to God, but like, again,

1606
01:13:27.440 --> 01:13:28.480
and it was just our first date,

1607
01:13:28.480 --> 01:13:31.080
so it wasn't going super deep on that.

1608
01:13:32.560 --> 01:13:35.440
But I just, he's pretty keen, which it's nice.

1609
01:13:35.440 --> 01:13:37.560
It's nice to have someone keen and interested,

1610
01:13:37.560 --> 01:13:38.400
all that kind of stuff.

1611
01:13:38.400 --> 01:13:41.920
But I don't want to give the wrong impression.

1612
01:13:41.920 --> 01:13:44.000
He doesn't have Jackie coaching him.

1613
01:13:44.000 --> 01:13:45.960
He probably has nobody coaching him.

1614
01:13:45.960 --> 01:13:47.440
And so I don't know about y'all,

1615
01:13:47.440 --> 01:13:49.160
but that's how I dated at first.

1616
01:13:49.200 --> 01:13:52.640
Like I had my dossier and the resume letter ready to go.

1617
01:13:52.640 --> 01:13:55.280
Like I got some questions, chop, chop,

1618
01:13:55.280 --> 01:13:56.760
let's not waste any time.

1619
01:13:56.760 --> 01:13:58.160
And so you can just say, look,

1620
01:13:58.160 --> 01:14:00.560
I totally get where you are

1621
01:14:00.560 --> 01:14:02.600
and you have a lot of questions.

1622
01:14:02.600 --> 01:14:06.240
And I really want to answer them as it's appropriate

1623
01:14:06.240 --> 01:14:08.480
as we're getting to know each other.

1624
01:14:08.480 --> 01:14:12.560
What I've learned, I'm actually working with some coaches

1625
01:14:12.560 --> 01:14:15.360
and what I've learned is it's also important for us

1626
01:14:15.360 --> 01:14:18.160
to just get to know who we are today

1627
01:14:18.160 --> 01:14:20.600
to see if we're even compatible.

1628
01:14:20.600 --> 01:14:24.880
And so sometimes my answer is going to be very surface

1629
01:14:24.880 --> 01:14:27.600
and it's going to say, but I might say to you like,

1630
01:14:27.600 --> 01:14:28.440
you know what, I'm just,

1631
01:14:28.440 --> 01:14:30.280
here's what's most important to me.

1632
01:14:30.280 --> 01:14:31.880
I'm looking for somebody who's mature,

1633
01:14:31.880 --> 01:14:33.640
masculine and marriage-minded.

1634
01:14:33.640 --> 01:14:35.120
Somebody who shares my faith

1635
01:14:35.120 --> 01:14:37.400
and shares a lot of the same interests as me.

1636
01:14:37.400 --> 01:14:40.520
Anything more than that, that's too much information.

1637
01:14:40.520 --> 01:14:42.600
Do I want to answer that to you at some point?

1638
01:14:42.600 --> 01:14:43.920
Absolutely.

1639
01:14:43.920 --> 01:14:47.040
But right now I actually want you to just get to know me

1640
01:14:47.120 --> 01:14:48.960
and I just want to get to know you.

1641
01:14:48.960 --> 01:14:50.760
I'm hoping that's okay.

1642
01:14:50.760 --> 01:14:51.800
Now, I will say Phoebe,

1643
01:14:51.800 --> 01:14:55.760
if he doesn't take that boundary and he busts it,

1644
01:14:55.760 --> 01:14:58.480
then he doesn't honor boundaries.

1645
01:14:58.480 --> 01:14:59.960
You guys, honoring boundaries.

1646
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:05.440
honoring boundaries. And it starts as simple as, that's not an appropriate question for this moment.

1647
01:15:06.720 --> 01:15:09.920
I'm not going to answer that. Do you know what I'm saying? Now, you're not going to be a jerk

1648
01:15:09.920 --> 01:15:14.000
about it, but you're going to be like, that's a great question. I understand why you're asking

1649
01:15:14.000 --> 01:15:19.520
those questions. Those things are important to me too. But here's my surface answer.

1650
01:15:19.520 --> 01:15:25.760
Anything more detailed, I will tell you as we go along, but I really just want to get to know who

1651
01:15:25.760 --> 01:15:30.880
you are and you get to know me without that filter. Because here's what happens to you guys

1652
01:15:30.880 --> 01:15:36.880
when we define the perfect guy, they can pretend to be that perfect guy. Like I don't want to give

1653
01:15:36.880 --> 01:15:41.600
you the answer. I want you to just tell me who, I want you to show me who you are and I'll let

1654
01:15:41.600 --> 01:15:47.840
you know if he's the, you're the guy. You know, so sometimes we just have to be kind and direct

1655
01:15:47.840 --> 01:15:53.040
and we have to ask for what we need. And that is uncomfortable, but better practice it on that

1656
01:15:53.040 --> 01:15:59.600
second date, then wait till the 10th date, you know? And I love paddling, I stand up paddling. I

1657
01:15:59.600 --> 01:16:04.720
just went a couple of weeks ago. So it's lots of fun. That's a great date. I mean, because if you

1658
01:16:04.720 --> 01:16:11.120
fall in, it's even fun to see how they react to that. We did. There you go. Awesome sauce. Okay.

1659
01:16:11.120 --> 01:16:17.440
I want to answer somebody's question that they put in the chat. And they said, can you go from

1660
01:16:17.440 --> 01:16:23.680
not having sex or having sex and not having sex? You actually can, you guys. I dated somebody that

1661
01:16:23.680 --> 01:16:30.240
I almost married and we had sex very quickly into the relationship. And then I felt like massive

1662
01:16:30.240 --> 01:16:35.280
Holy Spirit conviction. I'm like, oh my gosh, this has to stop. Now, mind you, I was practically

1663
01:16:35.280 --> 01:16:39.360
spending the weekend there with his kids, but here's what we did. He just, we just didn't sleep

1664
01:16:39.360 --> 01:16:45.920
in the same room anymore. Like I slept in the spare room. And so we just started making sure

1665
01:16:45.920 --> 01:16:51.520
that either the kids were with us or our schedule was very, very busy in the beginning. We just had

1666
01:16:51.520 --> 01:16:57.520
to discipline ourself to not be alone so much. And that's how we kind of worked the muscle in

1667
01:16:57.520 --> 01:17:03.040
to kind of make it better. This last guy that I dated that I was telling you about, we started

1668
01:17:03.040 --> 01:17:07.440
like hanging out in each other's home too much. We were fooling around a lot. Like, and I think

1669
01:17:08.640 --> 01:17:13.920
we were supposedly in agreement on the no sex thing. And of course he wanted to do everything

1670
01:17:13.920 --> 01:17:18.800
but vaginal intercourse. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry. We're not going to build Clinton our way

1671
01:17:18.800 --> 01:17:24.480
through this. I didn't mean everything except that I actually meant all that. And so like I

1672
01:17:24.480 --> 01:17:30.000
had to really wind it back. I'm telling you what y'all pray about it. God got him sick for two

1673
01:17:30.000 --> 01:17:34.720
straight weeks. And then I went to Connecticut for a week. So we had three weeks where we couldn't do

1674
01:17:34.720 --> 01:17:41.760
any hanky-panky and it really helped set a good tone and kind of reset that. And so I'm not saying

1675
01:17:41.760 --> 01:17:47.680
you pray sickness on the guy, but you know, put real parameters and boundaries in place. Y'all,

1676
01:17:47.680 --> 01:17:52.400
like if you've had sex and it's good, like, don't just say like, oh, we're just going to try harder

1677
01:17:52.400 --> 01:17:57.600
and be good. No, don't be a dry drunk. You know, like go, you know, a dry drunk doesn't get any

1678
01:17:57.600 --> 01:18:02.400
better. So you've got to go to AA meeting. So the same is true. If you need to back up the sex or

1679
01:18:02.400 --> 01:18:09.280
back up the physical relationship, then don't do home dates for a while. Only do dates in public,

1680
01:18:09.280 --> 01:18:15.040
kind of try to put some boundaries back up and then just talk about it. Okay. I want to make

1681
01:18:15.040 --> 01:18:24.320
sure, did anybody have a question in here? Y'all, I'm so proud of you. You guys, you guys have been

1682
01:18:24.320 --> 01:18:28.720
so good with Tanora. I'm so proud of her for sharing. I just feel like this was a super

1683
01:18:28.720 --> 01:18:33.920
honest group. I love it. This is like literally the most favorite thing that I get to do with

1684
01:18:33.920 --> 01:18:39.200
Jackie and this community is having this night with y'all. So it's been an honor and a blessing.

1685
01:18:40.560 --> 01:18:45.440
Does anybody have any closing thoughts, comments, ahas before I close us out?

1686
01:18:45.440 --> 01:18:47.360
Look, we stayed on time and everything tonight.

1687
01:18:50.240 --> 01:18:53.600
All right. Father God, I just ask that you just be with every single woman on here,

1688
01:18:53.600 --> 01:18:58.000
that you bless her this week, that you give her the peace that surpasses all understanding,

1689
01:18:58.000 --> 01:19:01.920
where there needs to be grace and mercy and forgiveness for themselves. Father God, I ask

1690
01:19:01.920 --> 01:19:07.200
that you just lavish them with that and remind them how much you love them and you want to be

1691
01:19:07.200 --> 01:19:13.440
in right relationship with them. I ask that you just give them wisdom and encouragement and boldness

1692
01:19:13.440 --> 01:19:17.440
as they move forward in their dating season. And we just lift all of this up in the precious name

1693
01:19:17.440 --> 01:19:22.880
of Jesus. Amen. All right, y'all go forth and have a great week and we'll see you here. Actually,

1694
01:19:22.880 --> 01:19:28.320
well, next week we'll see you on the love seats and then we'll see you back here in two weeks.