Brian, here, I want you to let you know they spelled your name wrong. They use a Y instead
of an I. I'm a Brian with an I. That's how you correctly spell. I just wanted to let
you know that. So
Yeah, I knew that. Okay, so literally, when I was writing everybody's name down, I was
like, Lord, please don't let him do the joke with the Brian with the I. No, that's so funny.
This is just kind of fun and quirky. For those of you that are just joining us. I'm Bethany
Cooper. I'm one of our hardware coaches in our community. And man, I just have the blessing
and honor of getting to do a lot of different things in the community. These days. This
is my amazing husband, Brian Cooper. So we were just telling everyone we're celebrating
our second anniversary. So super excited about that today. We've known each other for three
years and we've been married for two. So tonight we have the honor tonight and next week of
getting to be here with you all. And we hope that what we share will be things that will
make you laugh, things that will be insightful, things that will just get you in the place
where you keep talking and keep growing in your relationship with each other. And so
without any further ado, will you pray for us to kick us off tonight? Yeah, let's open
in prayer. Heavenly Father, we thank you for this night that we can all come together,
learn more about each other, learn more about how you have created us, and also just to
celebrate the relationships that you have given us. So Lord, I pray tonight would be
a time of learning and exploration and excitement for the things that you have in store for
us. Holy Spirit, just speak to our hearts, open our minds, help us to be receptive to
all the things that you are going to teach us tonight. In Jesus name. Amen. Amen. I was
just thinking as he was praying, my brain was going a little, I was in agreement too, but I was
thinking we should tell you. So we've had the pleasure of doing Symbus classes, the program,
a couple times for a couple different groups. We are Symbus certified and so I think it's helpful
for y'all to know that. We work with individuals and couples also in our churches. We've run a
divorce care program before, you know, so God has blessed us to be able to help people in a lot of
different ways regarding their relationships and healing. And so tonight as we kick off, so your
homework was page 11, 12, and 13 to talk about the Blue Star questions. And then you all, she gave
you the quizzes to do. So the love languages quiz, the 16 personalities, and the Enneagram. Did
everyone have time to do those this last week? Just so that I know. Is everyone saying yes? Awesome.
Okay, so our first icebreaker we're going to do is I would love to have you all, each person in the
couple, share your personality. So on that 16 personalities quiz, like what personality type
did you get? That'll be the first question and everybody will share about that and then we'll do
one more question to kind of get things rolling tonight. And so whoever wants to share first,
y'all can unmute yourself and just kind of, if someone goes at the same time, just defer to
the other person and then we'll kind of go that way. Okay, I'm INTJA. Same for me as well.
Same thing? No, I'm INFJ. Oh, I am an INFJ too. Did you know that?
Yes, I'm not making that up at all. It's real. INFJ is rare. I think it says that INFJs think
they're rare too. Okay, so Candace, which one did you say that you were?
INTJ. INTJ. Okay. All right. Awesome. And okay, so that was Candace.
I'm an INTP, so that's pretty close to us. Oh yeah, the INTPs, we get along well.
Yeah. All right. So let's see, Beth and Joe, what were yours?
I'm an ESFJ-A. I don't know what the dash A means, but. I'm an INFP-A.
Oh, that's interesting. Y'all have dashes. You both have dashes too. I was processing. Y'all,
I'm going to apologize in advance too. My brain doesn't, like tonight, I just said to him, I'm
like, I feel like I'm not processing as quick as I normally am. So it's taking me a little bit to
get your letters correct. So I find that so intriguing. Did you all do any looking into
the dashes? Yeah, sort of. Oh, sort of. What did you find out about it? Even though I'm.
I'm easygoing, I'm still draw boundaries and hold on to my values, not as wishy-washy
as I forget what the other letter is.
So maybe depending on the situation you're in, you defer to one and then if you're in
a different situation, you defer to the other.
Is that kind of the gist of it?
Not really.
So A is assertive versus turbulence.
So like assertive, it's like people who are less, they're less, they get stressed less
easily, like they're not easily stressed, they are sure of things, they're very confident
in their personality and the way that they express it.
But then the T is turbulence, which is not always a bad thing, although it sounds bad,
but it's like a, it's like less, they're not always sure or confident in expressing the
fullness of their personality.
That would be the summary of how I would put it.
Doesn't everybody have a dash something?
Yeah, all of you.
So we have, we're both A, so we have like a dash A, yeah, so I am AJ.
Okay.
So this is a little, so I did Myers-Briggs before.
I've not done this new quiz that she did, so that's why I'm asking.
It's a little different than the Myers-Briggs, which is totally fine, but that's why I was
curious about the dash and the additional letter.
Okay.
Sorry to distract.
All right.
So Belinda and Eric, how about yours?
We didn't do the 16 personalities, but we have done Myers-Briggs in the past.
So I'm a ISFJ.
And I am ENTJ.
Awesome.
And then let's see, Brian and Megan.
I was ISTJ.
And then dash T, I think.
Wait.
Yeah.
And I'm INFJT.
Okay.
And then, hi, Terry and Bruce, welcome.
We're just talking about what you all got if you completed the 16 personalities, what
your results were.
Oh, I think you're muted.
Yeah, she's working on that.
Got it.
There you go.
Sorry, I hit the wrong button.
I've done it in the past.
Right now, my initials are slacker for not doing the exam.
That's okay.
But I know I'm an ENFJ-A.
I've done that in the past.
Okay.
And then, Bruce, what's yours?
He's slacker-2.
I think I'm an ENFJ-A.
Okay.
I'm an ENFJ-A.
Okay.
Awesome.
So you all, as you're looking at what you got for your personality, one of the things
I was thinking about is it's good.
It's really great to know what our personalities are and to also know the personality type
of the person that we're in relationship for a lot of different reasons.
But I'm just curious, what's something that each one of you learned about the person you're
in the relationship with through these, whether it would, you can talk from the love languages,
the 16 personalities, Enneagram, but just in general, like what's something that you
really felt like, wow, that helped me understand them better.
Does that make sense?
Okay.
Whoever wants to go first.
Okay.
So for me, it was the love languages and just understanding how he communicates love, because
most times people are communicating the way they want to receive versus what the other
person, it's like learning the other person's language and not just giving them what I want,
but giving them what they want.
Yeah.
That was helpful.
Yeah.
So Tim, what was your, what was your top one?
Top love language?
For me personally, touch, physical touch.
Okay.
And Candace, what was yours?
Quality time.
Yeah.
Okay.
So just a lot of times too, I think it's important to mention here, people tend to think of physical
touches only being like we, people just in general tend to think sex, but it's so much
more than that.
You all just, as you're getting to know each other, I always share this story.
This kind of comes up when we did it before.
I would say that we are both, we have levels of that being high on, on both of ours.
I definitely am words of affirmation higher than even that in quality time.
But one of the things that I had to get used to, and it was never a bad thing, but I just
had never dated anybody before.
or that was physical touch like how Brian is.
So an example is like we would be sitting on the couch
and he like just will put his hand like up under my leg
because he wants and looks forward to that connection,
that level.
So even now, like today we were watching a show
for a little bit and like he'll reach,
we were sitting and like I was on the couch,
he was on the chair and he like reaches over
and he like wants to hold my hand or touch my arm
or something like that.
And for people that are not high physical touch,
the reason I'm mentioning this is that something like that,
you might be like, I just need space.
You know, and it is okay to say that
and express that to the person you're in relationship with,
but it's also really important to understand
the type of rejection a person could feel
if you pull back from them,
because if that's their highest way
that they feel and experience love
and that's not something you're willing to do or whatever,
that can be really impactful.
So just wanted to mention that
since that came up a little bit,
but just in general that came up in my spirit too.
And there's so many other ways.
I had a friend that said like,
she just would always wanna put her foot on her husband.
And some people don't like feet, right?
So what do you do if your person
wants to put their feet on you?
Heel breaker.
You know, but these are real life things, right?
But we just don't always think through that.
And those may or may not come out in your dating time.
Sometimes those come out as people date longer
and feel safer to do so, okay?
So physical touch might change
the way it looks as time goes on.
All right, awesome.
Candice and Tim, thank you for sharing.
Beth and I'm gonna learn your names tonight.
That's why I keep saying your all.
Beth and Joe, if you all wanna go next,
that would be awesome.
What was something that you all learned
about each other through this?
The ESFJ tracked a lot.
And being the J, she likes plans and I'm an INFP.
So I like to go with the flow.
And for her to feel secure,
and I've learned that over 10 months,
that she likes to have a plan.
She likes when I plan things like dates
and that she can trust me to have it figured out.
So sometimes you don't always have it figured out,
but you do your best to figure it out.
Yes, that's so good.
Beth, how about you?
I have a comment and then a question.
So what you just said actually was really great
about the physical touch.
Cause now I'm switching to love languages, if that's okay.
Yeah, you guys can pick whatever you want.
Right, I just realized.
So every time we're in the car together,
every time we're in the car together,
his hand is on my leg every time.
That was really helpful
because there's sometimes I just get hot.
Like his hands are so heavy and hot.
And there's sometimes where I'm just like,
I am overheating by your hand on my leg.
But it was just good to hear that.
I have to be careful.
And I think I am careful.
But you know what helps?
She says, babe, I'm really hot.
I know, I do.
That's all she has to say.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, and I think, okay, so this is really important
and I'm so glad,
cause I totally wasn't in my notes
to even bring that up tonight.
But these are important conversations
cause I think communication,
we're gonna talk about that tonight.
You are learning how to communicate to him.
It's not that you don't want him to feel close to you,
but you also, if you're feeling hot,
you wanna be able to express that
and that other person not to feel rejection, right?
Cause that's normal.
That's healthy to express those kinds of things
to each other.
I was gonna say,
and that's one of the great things about Symbus
is as you're getting to know each other,
you're understanding why things happen,
why people communicate.
Imagine for a second that you didn't know anything
about the person that you're in a relationship with.
If you didn't know any of this information,
why they're doing things,
you kind of be second guessing yourself.
Why don't they, what is it about me?
What did I do wrong?
And you internalize everything
cause you don't know what's going on
on the other side of the relationship.
So all of this information helps you,
oh, well, he likes, even though I'm overheating,
he likes physical touch.
And so you can communicate,
hey, I'm really hot now.
After I cool off,
why don't we hang out on the couch or something?
You know that about him.
and you can communicate that because you know that's what he's looking for. So all of this,
as you study and the more that you go through the Simbas really helps you to have a jargon
and communication to chat with each other. And that's why this program is so good because you
can have these kinds of conversations. A lot of people just go right into relationships.
They kind of skip all this stuff and they think it's, well, what did I do wrong? Or what, why
don't they like me? But there's, there's a whole nother person that they have yet to get to know
and to why they do things. So, yeah. And I was just, I was thinking too of another example,
just to give you guys another physical touch. So I've noticed when we go to like an amusement
park or a place where we're walking around for a long time, like when my hands feel sweaty,
I do not like to hold hands. It has nothing to do with him. It's just when my hand feels sweaty,
I'm just not really into that. But I will take a break and then I will come back and hold his
hand again. But, you know, cause I'm always, I am trying to like, think about that. And I do
enjoy holding his hand. It's just when I get hot, that might not be something in that moment that I
want. But anyways, it can be a lot of different things. So I know that you also had a question.
I think my question was when I took my love language, cause I've taken this before.
Um, my love language was acts of service, which the last time I took it, it was the last of my
languages. Like, and now I don't know quite how it got to be the first. I just wondered if maybe
it changes depending on relationship or. Well, I think a, here's the reality. You all, we all
change. We all do. And I think just even this is another good note that this is coming up because
um, there are a lot of times when people come into relationship and they expect that person
to never change. And then down the road, they're like, wait a minute. Like you're not who you were.
Like, obviously I'm not talking about unhealthy things right now. I'm talking about just in
general, like as we grow and we become like, there might be something now that I want to do that when
we were dating, I didn't even dream of doing that, you know, whether it's a course I'm doing or,
or something and whatnot. But so we want to always be, um, open to understanding that people
evolve and they become, and, you know, grow and want and desire different dreams and goals. So
on in that regard, we also, I believe, um, our love languages can change. Um, I haven't seen my
bottom one come to the top before, but definitely physical touch used to be on the top of mine
before, and it is still high up there, but, uh, words of affirmation took front lead in the last
couple of years. Um, and I think some of that too, just from, and I don't know if this is
psychologically correct or not, but just from my own experience, when I went through a season where
there was like no words of affirmation, I feel like that caused that to change the way I answered
questions. It wasn't that I was being untrue, but to who I was in that time, I really needed that
bucket to be filled. Does that make sense? Yeah. I think relationships change us. Yeah. We were
both married previously. I remember through my first marriage, I was like, man, I just wish I
had a friend to do life with and hang out and laugh with. So coming into this, you know, one of the
ones we'll get to later companionship was huge. It was way up here because coming out of my
previous relationship, I had such a lack of companionship. I now long for that. So I'd be
interested in that when he took it, he might've been before a previous relationship and coming
out of one of those relationships, you're like, I really need this and my next relationship. So I
think it changes after each relationship too. Yeah. So you may want to, for all of you,
when you look at your love languages, and again, we're going to talk about this a little bit in
communication, I would encourage you to not just know what they are, but to communicate to the
person you're in relationship with about like, these are things that when you do them that are
acts of service in your regard, Beth, when you do these things that are acts of service, I feel
loved and talk about those often, you know, when, when your spouse or person that, you know,
you're engaged or dating, let them know like, Hey, when you did this, it really, I felt my love
tank fill up. So, you know, thank you for that or whatever, but communicating and knowing for
yourself, because that's how you're going to be able to communicate it to, to them. Small example.
So we pick up, she orders groceries online and I'll go pick them up and where they load it.
I know I'm kind of spoiled, but I'll just say we got back and I was thinking, man,
I need more coffee creamer. And I pulled it out and there's like two caught my coffee creamers
in there. I was like, man, I told her, I was like, I know you love me because she noticed that my
coffee creamers were almost gone. And she like refilled them. I I'm a gift person. That's high
on me. So for me, that actually spoke to me. I was like, ah, she, she knew that I needed coffee
creamer. Um, and she did that. So I verbally let her know saying that the other day, I know you
love me because I have coffee creamer. And I was kind of like, I that's just part of taking
care of the house. But anyways, so these are ways that they can show up for you all. Um,
as you're getting to know each other and doing life together, we're going to go ahead and go
to Belinda and Eric next. What's something you all learned about each other from doing
these different quizzes? I don't know if I was caught off guard by any of the,
either the Myers-Briggs or the other one, but I just reaffirmed, you know, um,
so for me, the ISFJ, my, my F and J are very strong and he has an N and J. And so we're very
compatible with, with planning and, and so forth like that. But, you know, he makes decisions more
out of logic and mind more of our feelings. And that was kind of confirmed by those results just
throughout the relationship and how we interacted. So that was something I observed.
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. We had talked about, um, love languages shortly after meeting.
So, um, revisiting that now didn't teach us anything that we haven't already sort of been
working at, at doing towards and for each other. Um, our, our thing driving is when I have one
hand on her lap on a windy road, she wants me to hold the steering wheel with two hands. That's
what she tells me. So, um, So are we finding out, Eric, that you are also someone who really
enjoys a lot of physical touch and that makes you feel connected? Is that what I'm hearing you say?
All right. So that might be a way, even though, you know, Belinda, maybe you looking at,
which, you know, people feel different about driving a lot of, a lot of different things
from my perspective. Um, and so if there's a reason that it causes concern in you for him
to not have two hands on the wheel, um, I think maybe look at that because while we would maybe
think, Oh, that's just a small thing. There might be a reason that that causes that in you. Um,
and then y'all can just talk more about that because I think it's also important, um, for
both people to feel safe and loved. And so maybe y'all, if it can't, like, if you're not feeling
safe without two hands on the wheel, maybe y'all can come up with another way to have that
connection. Yeah. Yeah. And we've, when she says that I obviously want her to feel safe.
Oh yeah. Of course. Yeah. There's no issue for me putting two hands on the wheel.
Yeah. I'm saying not so much that you would have a problem with her needing that or wanting that,
but because I do heartwork all the time, y'all that's the first thing I think of is that
a lot of times there are things that people fear that even come out in small ways like that.
Okay. So I would encourage anybody to look at that kind of stuff and just ask it, you know,
and it may, may not be anything, but just asking God a really good question. Like, Hey,
you know, sometimes I've, and I don't want to put words in your mouth, but if you feel safer
with the two hands on the wheel, is there something to this Lord? Or is it just, I prefer that
I'm either holding onto the, the car, the thing on top, probably onto that or two hands. So maybe
there is something there. Well, you know, I, I guess maybe that even comes up for me because
I have a lot of, like, my family was hit by a drunk driver. My brothers had multiple accidents
when I was younger. Um, there just was a lot of trauma, even when I was married before, like my
ex would like get enraged when I was, you know, in the car with him and I felt unsafe a lot in
regarding cars. And so that still shows up for me sometimes when we're driving in the car and he
is being safe, but sometimes I still don't feel safe. Does that make sense? And so, yeah. So
maybe that's why not projecting my stuff onto you at all, but it just might be something worth
looking at. Thank you. So good. All right. Uh, Brian and Megan, how about you all? What'd you
all learn about each other through doing these.
Yeah, we definitely gained a lot of knowledge and insight through it.
I think one of the things that a couple of things, her love language being quality time
minus physical touch and quality, it's like it, it varies a lot, but I'm more on the physical
touch.
It just makes me feel secure and safe.
And I think even how we interpreted quality time when we chatted actually lead deferred.
So her definition, and Meg can jump in afterwards, was how just spending time in community, it
could be one-on-one, it could be going to worship, going to events, et cetera.
I thought more quality time as more one-on-one, kind of just kind of private and things like
that.
And so lately we've been doing a lot of social events and like the calendar has just been
feeling full.
And I just feel like we're kind of stuck in this constant, I feel like we have a moment
to breathe.
And that also goes into like our views of pacing and relationship where, you know, it
could be like where I'm meeting a lot of her family and community versus me.
I've been more private and more slower with things.
And that also has to do with like, I've been in past relationships before.
And so I want to just, and I'm also very private in general.
And so that also I think goes with things where I'm just a little more reserved and
I take my time.
And I think this also goes with her being a type seven, she's a enthusiast.
So it's very like fast paced.
And I'm a four in the Enneagram, which is all more like, like more relaxed and identity
and just, so I think we both complement, the fours and sevens can balance each other pretty
well.
So, so yeah, I think it was a lot of like very insightful and how we interpret certain
things was, was really interesting.
So good.
Thank you for sharing.
Megan, how about you?
Um, yeah, I would agree with that.
I mean, the love languages, what the language himself wasn't surprised was our third time
taking the test.
Um, but yeah, you know, because he brought up, he's like, we haven't spent much time
together lately.
And I was like, what do you mean?
We haven't spent any more time than ever.
So just, yeah, where we have very different interpretations or even within the language,
you have to go into a deeper understanding of like, what does that actually mean to you?
Um, I, nothing with the personality test was a surprise at all.
Um, you know, like, I think those stuff, I probably, I probably could have guessed his,
his letters.
Um, the Enneagram just probably because I'm less familiar with the Enneagram, you know,
certain aspects and like the descriptions of it that I still, we're going to dive deeper
into because I just want to understand which of the parts he resonates with fully and which
parts he doesn't.
Um, cause there was some interesting things I think in there.
So let me ask you a question, Megan, do you wake up when there's like, do you feel alive
when there's a lot of people and Brian, do you tend to feel recharged and come alive
after you've had time alone and get rejuvenated?
So interestingly enough, the test says I'm an introvert, um, but it's been like this
progression over the years.
I was an extrovert.
Then I was an Amber vert, um, like post COVID, like my people meter and like, I do get more
exhausted with people, but I love, I can get energized for like an hour.
Like I love like small doses or like hanging out with small groups.
Like a lot of our social gatherings lately have just been with like two other people.
So for me, like that's very comfortable.
Okay.
Yeah.
Brian, how do you get recharged?
Uh, I think it's actually, uh, what you said was, um, like when you said Bethany, it was
definitely just, yeah, I like, I like my solo time, like solo time.
And it is sometimes it's like by myself, I need, um, solo time because for my work, I'm
driving a lot, I'm with clients.
And so it's like, I'm with people all the time.
Um, and we've talked about like, just like sometimes just being with people, like I just
don't like want to deal with it.
I just like want to just hold, just want to recharge.
Like sometimes just having a day, not doing anything for me, it's like, great.
Like just watch some, you know, watching TV, going over the homework assignment.
Like it's just like that one-on-one just reset, not really having like a lot to do.
And so with people, um, I think I feel Megan's more, has more capacity for like events and
with people.
And for me, I think it's, um, it's very selective.
Like it depends on what my threshold is.
So if it was a very intense week, by the weekend, my threshold might be like low.
And then if it was a very quieter week, my threshold might be a little bit higher.
But typically speaking, I'd say, um, Bethany, you said you hit the nail on the head.
I pretty much like to recharge, like in quiet.
it in peace, and for me, that's very important for rest.
Yeah, I brought it up because, go ahead, Megan.
Just one other thing I was gonna add
is we had a conversation once where that maybe
our people needs are not so different,
but our work weeks are,
because I work from home a lot,
so I'm not with people a lot.
So for me, spending a couple hours here at church
or there on the weekend,
I just spend multiple days in a row without any people.
But for him, he's seeing client after client
after client after client, physical therapy, hands-on.
So it's possible our needs are not that different,
but they appear very different
because of our different work lifestyles.
Oh, 100%, and I think this goes back
to even what I was saying earlier,
and I know we're not necessarily on attitude yet,
but I think this is a really important conversation,
you all.
Even seasons can change.
So we were talking about seasons of life
and what we need can change in different areas,
physical touch or whatever else.
But even in regards to how much people interaction we need,
how much time do we need to recharge
and what do we wanna do to recharge or what do we need?
And the reason I asked that question
is because of some of the way you all described
how you view quality time even differently.
But also, Brian and I, very early on,
when we first got married, we decided two nights a week,
we were still at home together,
but he would go do his thing and I would do my thing.
And that was so healthy for us
because we both, not that this is you all,
but we both in relationships in the past
got so absorbed by those other people
that we lost ourselves a little bit.
And so we really wanted to put that boundary in place
so that we would kind of have that decompression time
and that we could also just like,
hey, this is something I enjoy and I don't wanna lose this.
And so that was a guardrail we put in place
in the beginning.
And still, I mean, we don't do it exactly
on the same days anymore
just because our schedule changes so much.
But I mean, he will say, hey, I'm gonna go,
like he is a gamer and so he likes to do that
and other things, but he'll be like,
do you care if I go play a game for a while?
And I'm like, no, peace out.
I'm gonna go watch my movie or do whatever I'm gonna do.
And I'm totally okay with it because here's why,
because we really spend a lot of quality time together
throughout the week and we invest in conversation
and connection, even in the small moments,
like in the morning, like he's so good about this.
Like when he gets up and comes out,
like he'll hug me and kiss me and like good hugs.
You all like good hugs really make a difference.
And that just means the world
because I feel like it's just a consistent reminder
of our foundation.
Does that make sense?
So we can go do things.
Go ahead.
I was gonna say, right now we both work at home as well.
So we see each other a lot.
So it is-
All day, every day.
Right.
So for us, that's rejuvenating and getting to spend time.
Yeah.
And so talk about those things as well.
Like what do you all need as far as recharging time?
And the other reason,
and then I'm gonna come over to Terry and Bruce.
The other reason I mentioned it is because
in past relationships I had been in,
when I would need to recharge, it was never okay.
The other person got very like controlling
and all that kind of stuff.
And so you just wanna make sure,
like if your person that you're in relationship with
needs that time and they communicate that to you
in a healthy way, not like, oh, you made me upset.
So go, you know, like not that kind of stuff.
I'm talking about when things are healthy,
you all are, you know, in a good place,
just communicating what your needs are.
If that person feels rejection,
that's not because you have just said something
that you need.
That's more something in them that needs healing.
Does that make sense?
Everyone on the same page here?
Okay.
All right.
So these are just things that are coming up in my spirit
as we're talking about this stuff.
So just kind of, and that ties in, in my mind,
to attitude too.
People not trying to, you know,
control people through attitudes and emotions and stuff.
All right, Terry and Bruce,
what did you all learn about each other through the quizzes?
I think for me, the biggest thing was,
is I already knew I'm an extrovert.
He's an introvert.
and over the course of the almost five months we've been together there's been two occurrences
where something was said and I took it personally and reacted to it not understanding why
and we talked it out I prayed about it you know we handled it well and resolved it but I still
didn't understand what the response was from and in doing the quizzes and whatnot he said
something really profound which is he speaks in optimism and executes in caution until he has
the facts and that was really a revelation to me because being an extrovert I also listen and I
gather all the facts and I don't speak until I'm ready to take action not knowing that he was the
opposite of that and that's where my response came from in both those occasions so having this
clarity for me was so good of don't react don't take it personally don't think that there's a
problem is understand is he's still processing that was really really good and then many things
we already knew like physical touch is both of our love languages the quizzes were just the one we did
is just confirming that's so good I love what you shared and the insights that you're gaining
into Bruce and the way that he now you like this is that's a game changer in my mind now that you
have that insight as long as you keep leaning into that right lean into that place and and being
secure in the Lord is going to be really important for you as you move forward Bruce go ahead
anything you want to share no I mean I'm a quality time guy too so and I'm like some of the others I
work from home have done that for a long time and I like that but I also want to get connected with
with people as well I call myself an introvert with extrovert tendencies
but he's very good because I'm around people all day long I deal with a lot of clients all day
long so when I get home I'm tired and sometimes I need that space where he works from home and
he does interact with people on a less regular basis let's say but he's very good and intuitive
about knowing what I need and giving me space yeah I really appreciate that that's so good I
love this you all this was great conversation I hope this was really helpful for you I'm going
to start to go through our sheets a little bit here we are so this week was about dynamics
attitude is the first thing so when you all saw what your different attitudes are and how you
approach life essentially what did you think about your results like was there anything
that's like you resonated with or that you know stood out to you that man I just didn't I didn't
you know understand that about myself or the other person at all and just start to put those in the
chat for me I want to kind of get you guys moving on some of this and we'll start talking about kind
of the next concept so for example marriage was never intended to make you happy you make your
marriage happy how it all comes down to attitude and adaptability and this is on your sheet in
other words your ability to adjust to things outside your control so super important that you
don't look to your spouse your person you're engaged to a relationship I know you all are in
different phases to make you happy I Bethany need to find happiness in myself in the Lord and be
secure in that and Brian needs to do the same thing and then we're we're two whole people
coming together in a healthy way then we can become one and and all the things the Bible talks
the blessings that come from that when people are looking to that other person to make them happy
that's where individuals can get into trouble so basically I was asking you all for some of you
you might not be able to but when you put in the chat like was there anything that surprised you
about your percentage any of that kind of stuff about yourself or your partner I'm just going to
call everybody your partner just so y'all so I don't have to keep saying the different things
okay awesome Belinda and Eric go ahead if y'all want to share
uh anything that's surprised yeah um no um I mean I've you know those of us are that are older and
have been through life um hopefully we're at the point that we understand that nothing's really in
that nothing's really in our control I mean God's in control of all of it
um I mean there's there's ways that we can control our response to things
but in terms of life circumstance, God's in control.
And so when things happen, what we've talked about is,
and I think I know I find attractive in Belinda
is that we both pretty much immediately turn
in prayer to the Lord.
And we don't yet,
overly angry or frustrated in the circumstance.
And we both very quickly give it up to the Lord
and ask for and accept whatever peace
and whatever plan he has for us.
I don't know if that's the kind of answer
you were looking for.
Yeah, I think that's great.
And I love that you're bringing up to the control
and that God's in control.
If y'all haven't done our heart work,
we talk a lot about supernatural surrender.
And there are times where just even in our attitudes,
like in our situations in relationship,
we need to surrender control and allow healing to come in.
So I think that's super important,
turning to the Lord and praying
is gonna be really pivotal for y'all as well.
Anyone else have anything you wanna share?
It could be something that maybe it didn't seem like
you resonated with it or something that was good.
If anyone has anything awesome,
if not, we'll go to the next question.
Everyone good?
Okay, we'll go to the next question.
If you guys think of something and wanna share it,
that's totally fine.
So I wanna ask you all,
when an unfavorable circumstance arises,
how will the two of you adjust
to those unfavorable circumstances
based off of your attitude
and what you learned about yourself?
And one person can share for the couple or both people,
y'all can do it however you want.
Go ahead, Brian.
Sorry, I just started talking.
I can let you go first.
It's okay.
It's okay, Candice, go ahead.
You can go, you can go.
Thanks, Brian.
So for us, we had like a close percentage
in terms of attitudes.
I have like 80% and he has 75.
So we're kind of, when we're talking,
we're just talking about like how he's actually been,
let's say improving in terms of resilience.
And just talking about, and I had to tell him
that like the life, the kinds of experience,
I used to be even lower,
but it's just the life experiences that I've had
and the things that I've had to surrender to the Lord
time after time after time,
then you just stop being a control freak, right?
You're just like, I can't do this.
God has to, I have to surrender.
And so it's something that is learnable.
And I think like for him, he was just like saying,
me sharing about the fact that I used to be that way
was like helpful.
And let me say, giving him hope, like, okay, hey,
like I can still grow in this,
even though sometimes I'm like more, you know.
And so for us, we decided, you know,
I let him decide, you know, what we're talking was like,
okay, so how are we gonna solve an unfavorable circumstance?
And he said, you know, we'll pray.
That's the first thing we'll do.
And I was like, that's me too.
And that's what we've been adopting.
And it's really been helping us.
It's like, okay, you just have this thing
and suddenly like, okay, you know what?
First of all, let's take this to the Lord
because it could go all kinds of ways.
But as long as we talk to the Lord,
then we just come into this place of peace.
And then we're in a state
where we can actually handle things better.
That's really good.
I love it.
The Lord has really, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
No, no, go ahead.
Yeah, the Lord has really helped Candace with change
and embracing change.
And he's working on me as well.
I've come a long way.
I mean, without him, I couldn't have made changes
I've done recently in my life.
And through that together is the solution to going forward.
So good.
So fun to hear from you all.
Thank you for sharing.
Brian, how about you?
Yeah, I think one of the things we came across
is like a lot of times if it's a high pressure situation
and we need to come up with something on the spot.
For me, sometimes I'm a big methodical analyzer.
So that was like me to a T.
I sometimes overthink it.
So I wanna process it.
I just look at it.
Let's break it down details.
But sometimes a high pressure situation is too much.
And so I think those are where I think Megan excels.
I think sometimes.
certain certain certain life circumstances can feel like,
because I know she's a boss lady, you know, with her work.
So it can feel.
That that that mindset is still going,
and so I can feel like overpressured or like
it could feel overbearing at times, depending on if it's
a project or a certain situation, so it can feel like
where's the relationship person versus like, I don't need the boss person.
So I think that also sometimes has happened in certain things.
That's so good.
I feel like Brian and I have to balance that really well, too.
I just want to support you on that.
Like, I mean, he and I have both done ministry for years.
And we both do an amazing job at what we're doing.
And sometimes like when he's pastoring,
like I was going to use this example later, but I feel like it kind of resonates
now with what you're saying, like he just had a board meeting recently
and he was talking about we're in a new church and he's getting to know the people
and we're getting to know
kind of what this church has gone through in the past and all of that.
And I will also say Brian and I came from different denominational backgrounds,
so there's that there, too.
Not that that's a big, huge thing, but I do think we process information
differently in the way we look at things because of who we are,
but also how we approach things
from denominational to also leadership styles,
all the different things, communication.
And so he did a great and amazing job with his board.
They were talking about someone that, you know,
they're feeling a certain way about.
And Brian was amazing at like listening to all of them
and their concerns and all of that.
And I when he was telling me, I wasn't even in there,
but he was telling me about it later.
I was like, why can't these people just move on?
Love this person where they're at.
She's doing an amazing job.
Like, why can't we just tell them to like just, you know, and I I'm very pastoral.
So it's kind of funny, like with the in-person church,
sometimes I feel a little different than I do when I'm online ministering,
which is kind of unique and and interesting.
But I bring that up because.
Brian communicates.
From a pastoral perspective, that's his role, and he's
he's very good at like also understanding kind of, if you will,
the politics that need to be at play there
to help everyone in that situation feel supported.
I. Come at it from the direction of a lot of times my prophetic gifting
kind of like I'm just ready for people to just know the direction.
This is the vision.
Let's go. Let's do this thing.
And sometimes that we don't really fight really that.
I don't even know.
Maybe two disagreements that I can even remember.
But I feel like sometimes our attention can be similar.
I guess that's why I brought it up, where I am so busy all day
running things for the last year single and, you know, knocking projects out.
And so he comes in and he's just wanting to just talk.
And he doesn't need me to fix that.
He doesn't need me to fix that.
He doesn't need to be me to be boss, babe, and tell him how I think
he should handle it and not that I was even trying to do that necessarily.
But I do think sometimes that can kind of kick in.
So for whatever reason, that came up for me when you were saying that just now.
And not that Megan does that or I'm not insinuating any of you ever do that.
But I hope that's helpful.
So I had to downshift that night.
That's kind of why I brought it up.
I needed to downshift and acknowledge like he's really gifted at this.
And those people all felt so loved and supported and heard.
And it was incredible.
So, um, just understand the differences in each other and respect that, um, that
God is gifted each one of you uniquely, um, to bring to the table, what's
needed and the different scenarios.
Yeah.
And to add to that, this is, I think where it's like boots
to the ground and relationships.
They talk about relationships, take work.
Cause we can't just be who we want to be or bring our job personas home.
Um, or when you meet up with your, your partner, you kind of have to remember,
okay, you know, it's time together.
I need to be, so you kind of have to like switch.
You have to take off one hand and grow on another.
This is the work of a relationship.
Um, because it's so easy to come home and just still be the boss.
I'm like, no, this is the way you got to do it.
So.
easy to do that, but you got to really focus.
And sometimes if you're driving home,
if you have a commute, just spend time thinking about,
okay, we get home, we need to have this conversation,
just kind of try to switch on your way back
because we really do have to be ourselves,
but our partner, what our partner needs too.
So I think that's the boots to the ground,
what a relationship, building a healthy relationship
looks like.
Tricky part, for those of you that work from home,
would you agree?
There's no drive time.
There's nowhere to drive to let the day diffuse in my brain.
So he walks in the door and I'm like,
like I'm just wound up because 50,000 things have happened.
I see some people laughing,
so maybe you relate to this a little bit, but just, yeah.
Sometimes I feel like the Lord has been really talking
to me about trying to hold some stuff back,
right when like, if he's gone and comes in the door,
even if we both are in our consecutive kind of working
spaces that we're really respecting each other's workspace
and not like constantly like interrupting each other's
workday or that kind of thing.
So again, I don't know if that is helpful
or if that went too far on the rabbit trail,
but I think it's important to know kind of when we need
to dial it down or even communicate like,
hey, I had a really stressful day.
I might need 10 minutes when I get home by myself
to decompress, but then I'll come back out
and we can talk and we can catch up on the day
versus just coming home and going right into that situation
and then there being frustration
because you're just not really in a head space
or emotional space to hear what they are excited
to share with you, right?
Yeah.
So when y'all are looking at your challenging situations,
you have the cooperating spouse.
This is Brian and I's examples.
I was cooperating, he's affirming.
Did you all like, when you went through this,
you're looking at the ways that you face challenges,
what shows up for you?
Again, mine is cooperating.
So mine said enthusiastic, charming, inspiring,
persuasive, outgoing.
Brian's is affirming.
His was enthusiastic, persuasive,
inspiring, outgoing, optimistic.
So those are things that when we are feeling challenged
that show up, but at the bottom, if y'all remember,
it goes through like how does your partner perceive you
though when there's a lot of stress going on?
And so-
And just to clarify, that doesn't mean,
sometimes people get those confused.
Those aren't necessarily your characteristics,
but what people can see you as.
So for example, one of mine were on the-
This is under the stress part.
The bomb, I'm pretty laid back and chill.
So she's very organized.
So when we have stress or like in situations,
she's like structure ready to go.
I'm pretty chill and laid back.
To her, that seems like I'm being flippant or unrealistic,
but I'm really not per se, but that's what she's perceiving.
So just to clarify, those aren't actually attributes
that you have, but how people can perceive you
when you're in those situations.
Right, so one of the examples we had,
do you wanna share real quick about that?
Which one was it?
The reappointment.
Oh yeah, oh, fun times.
So when we were in Indiana, we're in Florida now,
we were going through a transition time.
We were praying about what the Lord had for us.
And we were going through a situation
where my superintendent called me at nine o'clock PM
and said, hey, we have a new church for you in a new town.
As a pastor, we also have a parson.
So when I get a new job, it also means a new house,
a new community, a new like everything starting over again.
And he told me where it was and said,
I need to make a decision by like nine o'clock
the next morning.
So, I mean, and we didn't have a lot of choice.
It wasn't a discussion.
It was just kind of like, here's where you're going.
So, being again, my affirming spouse,
one of them is optimistic, inspiring, persuasive.
I'm sharing this with her.
And the church that we were being sent to
was probably a kind of a worse overall situation
than where we currently were.
And to clarify, we're very happy where we are now.
That's not where we are now.
God worked it all out.
So that's not where we, but all that to say.
I was like, oh man, this is not good.
So I automatically kick in and it's like,
hey, we can do this.
And I was trying to be like, you know,
trying to sell her, look at this, look at this.
It's a great town.
And like Chick-fil-A is like right around the corner,
like trying to think of all the positive things, right?
But.
Yeah, I was not having it and I cried and I was like,
that is not where we are supposed to go.
Like, I was like, part of it wasn't,
I wasn't trying to be, you know,
resistant or rebellious or disrespectful to him,
but I really knew God told us we prayed for a while
and God had been telling us that he was taking us forward.
And that situation was backwards.
And so I was like, I do not receive this.
I am sorry, this, no, like we are not going there.
And, you know, he kept trying to like comfort me
and I was like, he was, he was great.
He was really great.
But in that moment also, I was like,
yeah, please don't touch me.
Like I was like feeling mad at him.
You know, I'm just being transparent.
I felt mad at him because it was his job
that was causing this.
And so we had to process that.
She seemed flippant.
I seemed flippant.
And I seemed unrealistic and self-promoting.
A little bit, yeah.
Even though I was trying to be encouraging.
Right.
And so key here, a couple of things,
is that I said to him,
hey, I need a little bit of space to process this.
This is super overwhelming.
And he respected that.
And he gave me space and we agreed
that we would come back a little bit later to talk about it.
And so we did.
And so we both, you know, listened to each other
and honored each other in that situation.
And God really worked it out.
We did end up going to visit that church.
We did not believe that was where God was leading us.
And so we kept praying.
I wanted that to be an example for you all
because sometimes life is gonna throw you curve balls
and it's gonna be really uncomfortable.
Your partner may not handle it the way
that you hope that they will in that moment.
But that doesn't mean that what they're feeling
and processing isn't important and real.
And Brian gave me the space to feel everything I felt
in that moment.
Because like he said, like this wasn't just,
oh, we're just getting a new job.
Like we were gonna have to pastor a whole new church.
We were gonna have to live in a whole different home.
And I mean, there were so many things in that moment
that I was trying to process.
And so, it's super important as you all are learning
how to communicate, to honor one another.
Again, putting yourself in that person's shoes,
having empathy for what they're processing
or thinking or feeling is, yeah,
it's gonna be important for you.
Remember also, like I kind of said to him even that night,
you don't need to fix this.
So don't try to fix people.
Don't try to fix the situation.
Just let God work in that and come back together.
So we're gonna go ahead and shift to
the part about communication,
because I really wanna make sure we have time
to talk about this.
So let's go to page 12, you all.
So put in the chat for me, like what did you all get?
Like what kind of communication style did you get?
So we already told you,
we got cooperating spouse and affirming spouse.
What did you all get?
Sorry, yeah.
Okay, I can see that, Brian,
just from the little bit that you've shared.
Oh, Megan pioneering, okay.
Might be the first pioneer.
Yeah, I think so.
That's good.
You're pioneering the pioneer.
You are, she is.
I do know that Megan is a pioneer in general.
Affirming, Bruce unwavering, Tim affirming,
Belinda's cooperating and unwavering is Eric.
Okay, so let's see, we just need Candice in there.
And then Joe and Beth, whenever,
I think I don't see yours yet.
I can't find the chat.
Oh, that's okay.
If you're on your, are you on your phone?
No, I've chatted before, but I don't see it at the bottom.
Sometimes it'll go under that more button, Beth.
I don't know why it does that.
Is it there?
Yes.
Okay, awesome.
So what do you, you know, when you guys read about
like your communication style, what do you all agree with?
Is there anything you don't agree with from your,
from the results that you received?
Okay.
On a way of running.
One thing I would disagree with where it says that like you can't have like long conversations that you won't have things that kind of go on for a bit and like we have, we have a lot of conversations where we'll go really deep and like can do that.
I just agree where like I like like the direct part like up front as to like what direction is this going and then we can talk through all the details that like make make that up.
That's super insightful. So Brian, make sure you don't forget that because like she just wants to kind of like have you tell her, this is where we, I want to go in this conversation and then y'all can talk about all the details from there.
That's really good.
Thank you for sharing.
I think it's pretty interesting because a lot of times I'm when I'm processing so I'm trying to explain like my feelings are sometimes just kind of scattered.
And then, as I think as we're doing it, and then eventually has direction so sometimes I don't have like I don't know where it just have a lot of these feelings right process like this.
This is what I felt. Oh wait, there's something else is deeper I think that's going on. Oh, you know what yesterday I reflected more and I have more things to say about it.
So it really sometimes doesn't have a direction right away, but it gets there. Yeah, I think for me like the concern about not having up front is sometimes they go in a place where I was like, Oh wait, I thought that what happened there was positive.
And it goes to something where actually like that uncovered a deep wound or like hit something but I don't know until like far along in the conversation.
And sometimes it just makes me nervous because I like I just don't know, like, are we ending somewhere like, is it going somewhere positive or did I accidentally do something that was hurtful.
So do you struggle with feeling any conflict in any relationship not just with Brian. Yes. Okay, like I even when we first started dating I was I told him forever like I was like I'm so scared for the first time we have conflict like I grew up in an abusive
relationship like me like conflict is very negative connotation and it was like, I was months before we had our first like argument. And I did I took it very hard and in my head I was like it's over like we're breaking up now like.
And then for him like he was so confused by my reaction because like to me like conflict was like, Oh, you don't like something that I said or did so like now we must end the relationship.
What's interesting so I used to be very similar to Megan, and I feel like I've grown a lot even just being in relationship with Brian, in general, and had grown quite a bit before that but conflict is actually healthy you all.
Right. I mean the big toxic that that's not healthy, but like people are different and we're going to see things differently we're going to feel things differently.
And some days y'all we're just going to get annoyed with each other. But that doesn't mean that that person doesn't love you. It doesn't mean, you know, like poor Brian.
I don't know why y'all, but I'll start falling asleep on the couch but then all of a sudden I'll get all this energy like when we, like, go to bed.
And, you know, sometimes he's just not wanting all that energy at that point.
So, like we can laugh about it.
Well, I, she's just like, we're both kind of like you know falling asleep like okay go to bed and I'm still exhausted I just want to go to sleep and she's like, no, I can't help it.
I don't know how it happens more energized and she is more like she had five cups of coffee and I'm like, it's just like, it's overstimulating for me as I leave me alone.
But these are the little quirks I know these are such little things but I just want to give you all a true picture of like he could get really annoyed with that and be mean about it but like if he really says hey don't like I do like I'm not going to just keep bugging him for the most part.
But sometimes it is just funny like I like I was just laughing last night about something that he said and I just thought it was a racket. And he's like oh no here we go again.
Right.
But like respecting each other in that even those differences, but I brought that up because sometimes quirks that we have might annoy that person but that doesn't necessarily mean they don't love us.
Right. And so if we can maintain.
The more secure you get in your relationship with Christ, and who you are in God, that is absolutely going to have a direct result on you becoming more secure in a relationship, especially when it's a healthy relationship.
Okay, if it's a toxic relationship, that's a totally different story y'all. But when it's someone that's healthy.
You're going to have.
based to what's coming to mind is like put roots down and become planted and grow and
flourish when y'all can trust each other.
And so even in the quirks and the little idiosyncrasies that we all have, we all have them.
I like to scare him.
That's another one.
It's not his favorite thing, but I think it's hilarious to jump out from behind the door
and scare him.
So he didn't know that until a while into we were dating because I wasn't going to let
that cat out of the bag.
That wasn't in the vows, y'all.
Well, you know, I didn't feel safe enough to really let that full part of myself show
until we were further into the relationship, you know, and so some of that will come out
and you'll start to see different things in yourself.
So what are you, what are y'all going to do?
Like when you're communicating, um, let's see, Megan, you were sharing your thing that
that stood out to you.
Anyone else?
I almost moved on, but does anyone else want to share something that stood out to you that
maybe you didn't fully resonate with or, Hey, I really resonated with this.
Mine paints me as being calm and more non-demonstrative.
And she's mentioned that several times.
Okay.
How are you feeling?
I'm going to have to make you some signs.
I mean, I had like, if it was his best day or his worst day, he would look exactly the
same.
I never know.
And I literally, I'm going to make just signs for him to hold.
I'm feeling happy today.
I'm feeling sad.
It looks the same.
I'm clapping on the inside, baby.
Yeah.
I think this is good.
I feel like you're a little bit like that when you, I mean, well, I don't know.
He's a jokester though.
So he does laugh a lot.
And so I typically know he's happy when that happens, but sometimes I think I do have to
kind of ask him, how do you feel about that?
I feel like I can remember doing that at times where I'm more of a, I'm an INFJ.
I feel all the time.
I feel all time.
I feel big things.
And so I don't have a problem talking about my feelings, but also understanding that,
you know, it doesn't make the other person wrong if they don't do that all the time.
Anyone else?
That was really good.
Nope.
We can move on.
All right.
So how do you like your partner to communicate with you?
This is super important.
You all in the aspect of, it's one thing to know how someone communicates.
It's another thing to tell them how, like, how they make you feel, Joe, this might be
one you have to really be intentional about, like, when you communicate with me this way,
this is how I feel.
Y'all make sure you're separating your feelings from what someone does.
So a lot of times people will say, they made me feel this way.
Well, people don't make us anything.
We feel.
Okay.
So I feel sad or I feel upset.
Now they may have done something that I didn't like, which caused an emotion, but they don't
make me.
Do you understand kind of the line I'm drawing there?
And it's really important because that those kinds of statements can lead into the always,
you always do this, or you never do this.
If we believe that people can make us have the emotion we're having, we are literally
letting go of our, our responsibility to own our feelings.
Okay.
Super important.
So how would you like your partner to communicate with you?
I want you all to select two that resonate with you the most and explain why those are
important to you.
I would love for each person to share the two that resonate with you the most and why
those are important for you.
I'll go for me, the top, well, two of that resonate is take time to explain things thoroughly.
And that's because I usually have a lot of questions and I want to know all the details
in, in the facts and so forth.
I don't like the surface level stuff and then use a sincere tone with me because in the
past, you know, I've either been spoken to passive aggressively or maybe aggressive aggressively.
So to show sincerity in the tone helps me receive what you have to say.
That's really good.
I love it.
Belinda is super insightful.
So for me, I would pick slow down if I'm not understanding and hand in hand with that is
allow time for me to ask questions as a analytical person.
um one of the things that's easy for me to do is um hear what she's saying in the words and
and just sort of process that and what I try and get better at is reading deeper into just
what she's saying and if say the words and the tone or the body language don't match
um and I and I it makes sort of me uncomfortable that I'm not understanding what's going on
that I want to have the opportunity to you know ask further questions and and sort of go back and
can you say that a different way so that I'm understanding what she's saying not just hearing
the words that she's saying yes that's actually in my notes like the point you just made so we're
not just listening to what someone's saying we're also trying to understand the content and the
emotions behind what they're saying like the feeling and the emotion that's connected to
what's being communicated super important really good that's good who else oh yep Candice and Tim
yeah so my top two were um be aware of possible distractions um Tim is a GM of a hotel
and so even when he's off work he's not kind of off work and so that's something that we've been
oh we just lost him they'll come back um go ahead somebody else can go while we're waiting
for them to come back I'll go uh next uh the two that resonated with me was respect my quiet
demeanor so again someone who is an analyzer sometimes it takes me time to reflect understand
and process I'm not really sometimes it's could be a little slow to figure things out
or process or like emotions or to you know just pros and cons and which is my next one
so the pros and cons uh which is actually we've done before about you know whether or not we
should do this or not and sometimes we just hey let's put it on paper and it sometimes can help
us process things and whether or not that's a good idea or not it's really good it's good
Megan how about you um my first one we already talked about which is like the bottom line up
front um so you get into the bottom line quickly and then the second one was ask me specific
questions um like he's very good at like like sometimes he can figure out my needs like before
I even figured them out but I'll just ask questions it's something I'm like oh wait that is what I need
right now that's good all right see this is really good because y'all are starting to learn too I've
heard it in every couple that shared so far y'all are learning things about the way you communicate
and how to even recognize what the other person is needing these are very very positive things
that I'm hearing tonight so good I can't tell if Candace and Tim are fully are y'all can you hear us
yes we're back sorry laptop died that's okay that's okay we appreciate
so I was saying that like Tim is a GM and so even when he's off work he's not off work yeah
calling him a text I'm like okay we're gonna have to figure out
and I'm like quality time is my thing like that's my top thing so it's an issue where it's like hey
are we hanging out or are you working and I mean the first time I gave him that feedback he's been
doing a lot better and all of that like but it's something that we've had to work through okay how
are we going to create better boundaries with your work so it's not everywhere that we are what can
you actually do what's realistic and just me too sometimes being understanding like okay what's
what's a realistic expectation versus because I'm not saying lose your job but I'm saying
well don't lose me so you know it's that kind of thing where we're working on how we have that
quality time being honored but also being like okay what are the boundaries you need with your
job that will make this work and where do I need to be maybe a little more understanding so I can
you know be more yeah yeah just be understanding and just managing schedule and in general as well
I mean I'm doing that I'm also in school full-time I got a lot on my plate yes yeah
yeah it's super important you know I even think we've had this conversation because I mean I think
most of the ladies know I mean we we have stuff going on in the community all the time and I do
stuff in pretty much every one of the phases of our community responding to people answering and
so we are kind of in a different season right now where I am more
working on trying to just put my phone aside and unplug at
different times. So like we went on a trip for our anniversary
and my birthday recently, and just really tried not to be on
my phone, like much at all, but did say, Okay, when we're
driving, I'm going to respond to people, you know, so just trying
to even communicate that stuff to each other. I feel like I
don't know, you can speak for that. Do you feel like that
helps you to feel like really good? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
different potential. So, yeah. So that can be really helpful.
Yeah, yeah, that can be really helpful in the communication
aspect of time and being intentional with each other.
Good. Thank you all for sharing off times, off times and on
times. Right, right. Yeah.
So good. Okay, let's see here. I think we have Beth and Joe,
what did what did you all have?
Um, one of mine is converse rather than confront. I think
when you come, some people are very energetic about their ideas
will come like, okay, convince me why not instead of Hey, this
is an idea. Let's discuss this. Or if it's negative, let's
if it's negative, then it's like all sudden you're on the
defensive instead of having a discussion. So yeah, the other
one is similar, similar, take time to reach an agreement. But
it doesn't have to be a lose win. I like a win win. Yeah, it
always happened.
I want to know if you all see an idea differently. One of the
things I would say even just hearing that just make sure that
you talk through how each one of you will feel honored in the
process of talking about ideas. Does that make sense? So Joe
needs to feel honored in like the approach may be being
different. I feel like that's what I'm hearing. And maybe the
other person would feel honored and knowing like, okay,
sometimes I need to feel like just come in and feel like, you
know, explosive or happy or excited about this, and feel
like that's okay, too. So that makes sense where you guys are
both honoring each other at different times, and shifting,
not to change not to like change the other person, but just
honoring each other and the way you approach ideas. Do you want
to share on that? The idea generation thing?
Yeah. I'm a big guy. Come back. I'm a big idea person. Actually,
Bethany are both kind of visionary big idea people, but
we approach it differently. She's also very detailed. I'm
not I'm kind of the the idea in the sky, just throw it out
there. So one thing I have learned is that I'm also a
verbal processor. So I'll come up with a night and I'll just
start talking, oh, hey, and I'll just get into the full blown
conversation. She'll be like, wait, I don't have the capacity
to think about this right now. So I have learned to like, hey,
I have an idea that I would like to share. Let me know when you
have a time slot a couple hours. I want to share about this.
Yeah. And so that helps her to process kind of get ready. And
then I bring my ideas. Otherwise, I just kind of like
vomit ideas all over the place. And yeah, it can be like
overwhelming for her. So we've kind of learned how to
communicate that. So sometimes it is challenging for me to hold
back. I'll be like, even today. I was like, okay, let's just I
just want to give you the general so we can talk about
later. And then I just got into it too much. And so I said, I
said, because he said, we'll just two minutes, two minutes.
And so like, you know, we were a little ways in and I said, 10
minutes, I said, we're approaching like, 10 minutes
now. So we probably need to circle back to this
conversation later. You know, but like, we say it with
kindness and love, like, I'm not, you know, I wasn't being a
jerk to him or whatever. Um, but I, I had him share that
example. Because even early on when we were dating, um, you
know, he, again, we both get excited about our ideas and our
visions. But like, he definitely like, he was sending me these
voice memos with all of these ideas, like first thing in the
morning, like, bam, like first thing. And I would just be like,
oh, like I would be on overload, because I haven't even like had
my devotion time yet fully, or maybe I had just started my work
day. And I was like, Whoa, like, I don't know what to do with
this when I'm supposed to be focused on work right now. You
know, so but he wasn't trying to be disrespectful or anything.
He just, he just had all these ideas, and he was so excited to
release them and share them. And so
Oh, one of the boundaries, one of the boundaries I set was record these and send them to me
at this time or like, and you know, it wasn't because it wasn't that I didn't want to hear
those things, but it also is okay for me to express like, it would be better for me to
hear those kind of big visions and ideas at this time when I like when I can process it
more, I can pay attention to it, you know, so that I don't get distracted from work or
whatever that is.
And while I share a lot of ideas, I don't plan to act on all of them.
I remember when we first started, and I'm an executor, like, okay, let's go and I'm
like, Oh, no, I don't want to do that.
It's like, I just want to talk about it and get the idea out there, maybe one of those.
So we had I had to learn to say, Okay, so these are just ideas.
I don't want to really do this right now.
But let me just get this out.
So we kind of have to kind of learn how to recommunicate because other people receive
things differently.
So we've got to learn that language, I can still be myself, yeah, some relationships,
you know, I've had to shut that down.
Because unless it was executed, they didn't even want to hear it.
So she honors me by allowing me to share that because I just have to kind of get those ideas
out.
But I'm learning to kind of communicate it and reframe it in a way that honors her and
how she receives it.
So a lot of this what you're learning in Symbus is still, you're learning to be yourself.
Yeah.
But you're respecting your partner by communicating the way that they can receive it, too.
Right.
So it honors both of you.
That's one of the, I think, the great things about this program.
So yeah.
Yeah.
So, um, Beth, I think you had to be explaining something.
And you know, I'm also, I'm an extroverted thinker.
So I'm working it out.
Yeah.
Or, you know, it's something and so you have to, it's almost like you have to do it out
loud.
Right.
Out there.
And if they're not ready for it, it's tough.
Sometimes I'll just I'll stop and say, probably more than you want to hear right now.
Yeah.
So, and I try and give the wrap up, you know, just give the quick, short, long story short,
when I can tell she's getting a little cross eyed.
So
Yes.
So again, these are these are little things that we're sharing, but these can be really
helpful.
I will even say, okay, like, which of those ideas are you wanting to, like, do stuff with?
Because sincerely, you all I'm an executor.
So if people tell me I want to go do this, it like even I have to do this with Jackie
Dorman.
Like, I'm ready to go like, I'm gonna go get that done.
If that's what you want done, I'll go do it.
And so even in my work, like I'm learning that a lot about myself.
And so knowing that more about myself, as well as who Brian is, or my boss or whoever,
it's important for me to like, clarify, okay, like, those were amazing ideas.
Do you want my do you want my input on that?
Are you just wanting me to listen?
Do you want me to help work on any of these with you?
You know, like, we're all just kind of clarifying.
And, you know, sometimes even before he unleashes now, the idea is I will say, okay, just so
that I know, even like with Trisha, do you want me to tell you what I think about what
you're about to share?
Or do you want me just to listen?
And that's been helpful, too.
Yeah.
Bethany, can you say how can you say that again?
That was really good.
Yeah.
Um, let's see.
How did I say it?
How can I say, um, do you want me to just listen to what you're about to share?
Or are you wanting me to give like feedback or input, you know, kind of like my response
to it?
Because a lot of times, like even with Brian, sometimes I just want him to listen, I don't
need him to fix anything.
And guys are fixers, ladies, guys tend to be fixers.
So if we tell them there's a problem, they want to help us.
That's the chivalrous side of them.
And so I have had to learn also to tell Brian totally different from the idea ideation stuff.
But like, hey, I'm going to tell you this situation.
I don't need you to fix it.
I just need you to listen.
I need you to I need to feel your support or like I this.
where communication is is going to really help you all like communicating what your need is
in advance and understand that if we don't and they try to help fix it it's okay for us to say
hey like i don't i don't need you to fix that i love you for trying but i don't need you to
fix that for me and i'll tell you what guys we have some pretty good problem solvers too
it's like i know how to fix that just give me a shot but i have to i have to hold it back and
sometimes i don't i was like here's what you should do but yeah it's hard yeah so joe great
great conversation there and some things you added beth i want to make sure you have space
to share on yours if you have them okay my two were the first one was discuss dreams and goals
with me um when we are able to talk about our dreams and goals and when joe initiates that
conversation it makes me feel taken care of um which is a big thing for me i've never been married
and we're older i mean we're in our i'm i just turned 57 so it's just a it's just a comfort
when he digs and wants to understand that because it makes me feel like okay this guy's got me
so that was a big one for me and then being fun loving and humorous i can be really intense and
focused and just like on task and like you bethany like i'm an executor and so i'm you know always
on to the next thing and you know when he's just he likes to just maybe like body slam me out of
nowhere i mean and it just shakes me out of my ridiculous focus serious world and it's helpful
you know it kind of just kind of takes the edge off and so that's good when he can be fun loving
and humorous with me that's so good y'all this has been really good i think we probably will
we'll touch base on sheet 13 next week i feel like we had some amazing conversation um the holy
spirit was leading this that's what we always ask for so next week we'll go ahead and cover that 13
your actual homework in addition to that hopefully y'all have already talked about 13
um will be pages 14 and 15 the blue starred questions and then i'm also going to put up in
the group a self-preservation technique um or mechanism they're called techniques there are
several sheets that list out different um self-preservation things that we tend to do
um when you all are looking at these sheets what i want you to be in prayer about not just don't
just look at this sheet and mark them off i really want you to intentionally ask the lord
to give you insight because sometimes we are doing self-preservation things that we don't even realize
we're doing okay so pray about it ask the lord to highlight them to you what are the ones that you
tend to to do talk about those with each other it's going to be important because even like that
scenario that you know we shared with you when brian got reappointed one of my self-preservation
techniques is to shut down and like kind of push people out and so i have to learn how to honor
that in myself but also honor him and not stay hidden so for example that night i said i need
space right now but in a little bit let's come back together so i didn't stay isolated does that
make sense okay so and then we'll share about those that'll be your ice breaker next week
we're praying for you all again this has been just a pleasure i really we always do an hour
and a half i hope i didn't keep you all too long i literally have no idea how long
jackie has been keeping you all so if we kept you a little longer i apologize but next week we will
do an hour and a half i i like the time because i feel like you guys it gives you time to ask
questions or have more feedback or us to have conversations like this um i think that is
everything um do you mind praying us out as well yeah okay awesome holy father i thank you for
the way you have wired us um that you have given us each unique personalities and made us each
individuals lord help us to have insight holy spirit open our hearts our minds how we can be
the people that you have created us to be in a relationship with our partner that we honor who
you created us to be but we also honor this person next to us that you have created also
so that when we come together we can be something amazing this past this next week i pray that you
would be with all those here that you would be in their conversations that it would be fruitful
and they would come to know each other in deeper ways and help them to discover who you have
created their partner to be this week until we meet again next week lord
You will always be with us. You never depart. So we thank you for that Lord in Jesus name we pray. Amen. Amen. As we close one of the things I just want to leave you all with as a last thought is on marriage this time around for me has been the best thing of my life.
The last marriage I had I both of us have gone through divorce was very very hard very like life sucking.
We have more fun and laugh and we travel together and we just even even in the hard moments like he's my best friend and he's my teammate.
And I just want to encourage you all no matter what society says about marriage you know society is not right. And even if your prior experience wasn't good.
God is amazing at redeeming things as we give him our hearts and heal and trust him and surrender.
And man he just can make so much some something so much better than you can even ask think or imagine like sincerely I'm not just saying this because we're on screen and start anniversary.
But like genuinely Brian is so much more than what I even asked for. And I'm just super grateful and I want to encourage you all that that can be the same for you.
Okay. All right. We'll see you all next week. Have a good night. Bye everyone.
Adios.