WEBVTT

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Brian, here, I want you to let you know they spelled your name wrong. They use a Y instead

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of an I. I'm a Brian with an I. That's how you correctly spell. I just wanted to let

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you know that. So

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Yeah, I knew that. Okay, so literally, when I was writing everybody's name down, I was

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like, Lord, please don't let him do the joke with the Brian with the I. No, that's so funny.

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This is just kind of fun and quirky. For those of you that are just joining us. I'm Bethany

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Cooper. I'm one of our hardware coaches in our community. And man, I just have the blessing

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and honor of getting to do a lot of different things in the community. These days. This

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is my amazing husband, Brian Cooper. So we were just telling everyone we're celebrating

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our second anniversary. So super excited about that today. We've known each other for three

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years and we've been married for two. So tonight we have the honor tonight and next week of

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getting to be here with you all. And we hope that what we share will be things that will

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make you laugh, things that will be insightful, things that will just get you in the place

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where you keep talking and keep growing in your relationship with each other. And so

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without any further ado, will you pray for us to kick us off tonight? Yeah, let's open

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in prayer. Heavenly Father, we thank you for this night that we can all come together,

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learn more about each other, learn more about how you have created us, and also just to

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celebrate the relationships that you have given us. So Lord, I pray tonight would be

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a time of learning and exploration and excitement for the things that you have in store for

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us. Holy Spirit, just speak to our hearts, open our minds, help us to be receptive to

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all the things that you are going to teach us tonight. In Jesus name. Amen. Amen. I was

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just thinking as he was praying, my brain was going a little, I was in agreement too, but I was

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thinking we should tell you. So we've had the pleasure of doing Symbus classes, the program,

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a couple times for a couple different groups. We are Symbus certified and so I think it's helpful

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for y'all to know that. We work with individuals and couples also in our churches. We've run a

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divorce care program before, you know, so God has blessed us to be able to help people in a lot of

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different ways regarding their relationships and healing. And so tonight as we kick off, so your

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homework was page 11, 12, and 13 to talk about the Blue Star questions. And then you all, she gave

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you the quizzes to do. So the love languages quiz, the 16 personalities, and the Enneagram. Did

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everyone have time to do those this last week? Just so that I know. Is everyone saying yes? Awesome.

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Okay, so our first icebreaker we're going to do is I would love to have you all, each person in the

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couple, share your personality. So on that 16 personalities quiz, like what personality type

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did you get? That'll be the first question and everybody will share about that and then we'll do

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one more question to kind of get things rolling tonight. And so whoever wants to share first,

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y'all can unmute yourself and just kind of, if someone goes at the same time, just defer to

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the other person and then we'll kind of go that way. Okay, I'm INTJA. Same for me as well.

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Same thing? No, I'm INFJ. Oh, I am an INFJ too. Did you know that?

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Yes, I'm not making that up at all. It's real. INFJ is rare. I think it says that INFJs think

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they're rare too. Okay, so Candace, which one did you say that you were?

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INTJ. INTJ. Okay. All right. Awesome. And okay, so that was Candace.

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I'm an INTP, so that's pretty close to us. Oh yeah, the INTPs, we get along well.

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Yeah. All right. So let's see, Beth and Joe, what were yours?

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I'm an ESFJ-A. I don't know what the dash A means, but. I'm an INFP-A.

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Oh, that's interesting. Y'all have dashes. You both have dashes too. I was processing. Y'all,

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I'm going to apologize in advance too. My brain doesn't, like tonight, I just said to him, I'm

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like, I feel like I'm not processing as quick as I normally am. So it's taking me a little bit to

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get your letters correct. So I find that so intriguing. Did you all do any looking into

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the dashes? Yeah, sort of. Oh, sort of. What did you find out about it? Even though I'm.

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I'm easygoing, I'm still draw boundaries and hold on to my values, not as wishy-washy

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as I forget what the other letter is.

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So maybe depending on the situation you're in, you defer to one and then if you're in

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a different situation, you defer to the other.

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Is that kind of the gist of it?

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Not really.

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So A is assertive versus turbulence.

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So like assertive, it's like people who are less, they're less, they get stressed less

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easily, like they're not easily stressed, they are sure of things, they're very confident

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in their personality and the way that they express it.

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But then the T is turbulence, which is not always a bad thing, although it sounds bad,

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but it's like a, it's like less, they're not always sure or confident in expressing the

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fullness of their personality.

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That would be the summary of how I would put it.

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Doesn't everybody have a dash something?

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Yeah, all of you.

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So we have, we're both A, so we have like a dash A, yeah, so I am AJ.

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Okay.

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So this is a little, so I did Myers-Briggs before.

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I've not done this new quiz that she did, so that's why I'm asking.

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It's a little different than the Myers-Briggs, which is totally fine, but that's why I was

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curious about the dash and the additional letter.

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Okay.

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Sorry to distract.

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All right.

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So Belinda and Eric, how about yours?

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We didn't do the 16 personalities, but we have done Myers-Briggs in the past.

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So I'm a ISFJ.

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And I am ENTJ.

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Awesome.

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And then let's see, Brian and Megan.

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I was ISTJ.

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And then dash T, I think.

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Wait.

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Yeah.

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And I'm INFJT.

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Okay.

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And then, hi, Terry and Bruce, welcome.

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We're just talking about what you all got if you completed the 16 personalities, what

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your results were.

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Oh, I think you're muted.

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Yeah, she's working on that.

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Got it.

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There you go.

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Sorry, I hit the wrong button.

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I've done it in the past.

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Right now, my initials are slacker for not doing the exam.

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That's okay.

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But I know I'm an ENFJ-A.

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I've done that in the past.

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Okay.

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And then, Bruce, what's yours?

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He's slacker-2.

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I think I'm an ENFJ-A.

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Okay.

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I'm an ENFJ-A.

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I'm an ENFJ-A.

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I'm an ENFJ-A.

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I'm an ENFJ-A.

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I'm an ENFJ-A.

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I'm an ENFJ-A.

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I'm an ENFJ-A.

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I'm an ENFJ-A.

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I'm an ENFJ-A.

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I'm an ENFJ-A.

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I'm an ENFJ-A.

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I'm an ENFJ-A.

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I'm an ENFJ-A.

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I'm an ENFJ-A.

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I'm an ENFJ-A.

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I'm an ENFJ-A.

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I'm an ENFJ-A.

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Okay.

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Awesome.

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So you all, as you're looking at what you got for your personality, one of the things

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I was thinking about is it's good.

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It's really great to know what our personalities are and to also know the personality type

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of the person that we're in relationship for a lot of different reasons.

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But I'm just curious, what's something that each one of you learned about the person you're

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in the relationship with through these, whether it would, you can talk from the love languages,

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the 16 personalities, Enneagram, but just in general, like what's something that you

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really felt like, wow, that helped me understand them better.

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Does that make sense?

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Okay.

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Whoever wants to go first.

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Okay.

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So for me, it was the love languages and just understanding how he communicates love, because

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most times people are communicating the way they want to receive versus what the other

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person, it's like learning the other person's language and not just giving them what I want,

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but giving them what they want.

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Yeah.

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That was helpful.

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Yeah.

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So Tim, what was your, what was your top one?

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Top love language?

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For me personally, touch, physical touch.

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Okay.

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And Candace, what was yours?

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Quality time.

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Yeah.

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Okay.

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So just a lot of times too, I think it's important to mention here, people tend to think of physical

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touches only being like we, people just in general tend to think sex, but it's so much

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more than that.

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You all just, as you're getting to know each other, I always share this story.

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This kind of comes up when we did it before.

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I would say that we are both, we have levels of that being high on, on both of ours.

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I definitely am words of affirmation higher than even that in quality time.

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But one of the things that I had to get used to, and it was never a bad thing, but I just

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had never dated anybody before.

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or that was physical touch like how Brian is.

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So an example is like we would be sitting on the couch

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and he like just will put his hand like up under my leg

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because he wants and looks forward to that connection,

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that level.

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So even now, like today we were watching a show

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for a little bit and like he'll reach,

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we were sitting and like I was on the couch,

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he was on the chair and he like reaches over

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and he like wants to hold my hand or touch my arm

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or something like that.

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And for people that are not high physical touch,

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the reason I'm mentioning this is that something like that,

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you might be like, I just need space.

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You know, and it is okay to say that

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and express that to the person you're in relationship with,

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but it's also really important to understand

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the type of rejection a person could feel

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if you pull back from them,

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because if that's their highest way

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that they feel and experience love

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and that's not something you're willing to do or whatever,

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that can be really impactful.

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So just wanted to mention that

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since that came up a little bit,

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but just in general that came up in my spirit too.

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And there's so many other ways.

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I had a friend that said like,

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she just would always wanna put her foot on her husband.

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And some people don't like feet, right?

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So what do you do if your person

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wants to put their feet on you?

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Heel breaker.

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You know, but these are real life things, right?

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But we just don't always think through that.

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And those may or may not come out in your dating time.

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Sometimes those come out as people date longer

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and feel safer to do so, okay?

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So physical touch might change

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the way it looks as time goes on.

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All right, awesome.

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Candice and Tim, thank you for sharing.

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Beth and I'm gonna learn your names tonight.

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That's why I keep saying your all.

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Beth and Joe, if you all wanna go next,

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that would be awesome.

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What was something that you all learned

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about each other through this?

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The ESFJ tracked a lot.

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And being the J, she likes plans and I'm an INFP.

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So I like to go with the flow.

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And for her to feel secure,

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and I've learned that over 10 months,

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that she likes to have a plan.

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She likes when I plan things like dates

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and that she can trust me to have it figured out.

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So sometimes you don't always have it figured out,

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but you do your best to figure it out.

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Yes, that's so good.

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Beth, how about you?

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I have a comment and then a question.

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So what you just said actually was really great

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about the physical touch.

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Cause now I'm switching to love languages, if that's okay.

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Yeah, you guys can pick whatever you want.

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Right, I just realized.

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So every time we're in the car together,

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every time we're in the car together,

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his hand is on my leg every time.

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That was really helpful

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because there's sometimes I just get hot.

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Like his hands are so heavy and hot.

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And there's sometimes where I'm just like,

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I am overheating by your hand on my leg.

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But it was just good to hear that.

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I have to be careful.

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And I think I am careful.

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But you know what helps?

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She says, babe, I'm really hot.

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I know, I do.

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That's all she has to say.

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Yeah, yeah.

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Well, and I think, okay, so this is really important

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and I'm so glad,

243
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cause I totally wasn't in my notes

244
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to even bring that up tonight.

245
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But these are important conversations

246
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cause I think communication,

247
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we're gonna talk about that tonight.

248
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You are learning how to communicate to him.

249
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It's not that you don't want him to feel close to you,

250
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but you also, if you're feeling hot,

251
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you wanna be able to express that

252
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and that other person not to feel rejection, right?

253
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Cause that's normal.

254
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That's healthy to express those kinds of things

255
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to each other.

256
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I was gonna say,

257
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and that's one of the great things about Symbus

258
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is as you're getting to know each other,

259
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you're understanding why things happen,

260
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why people communicate.

261
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Imagine for a second that you didn't know anything

262
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about the person that you're in a relationship with.

263
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If you didn't know any of this information,

264
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why they're doing things,

265
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you kind of be second guessing yourself.

266
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Why don't they, what is it about me?

267
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What did I do wrong?

268
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And you internalize everything

269
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cause you don't know what's going on

270
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on the other side of the relationship.

271
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So all of this information helps you,

272
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oh, well, he likes, even though I'm overheating,

273
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he likes physical touch.

274
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And so you can communicate,

275
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hey, I'm really hot now.

276
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After I cool off,

277
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why don't we hang out on the couch or something?

278
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You know that about him.

279
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and you can communicate that because you know that's what he's looking for. So all of this,

280
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as you study and the more that you go through the Simbas really helps you to have a jargon

281
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and communication to chat with each other. And that's why this program is so good because you

282
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can have these kinds of conversations. A lot of people just go right into relationships.

283
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They kind of skip all this stuff and they think it's, well, what did I do wrong? Or what, why

284
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don't they like me? But there's, there's a whole nother person that they have yet to get to know

285
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and to why they do things. So, yeah. And I was just, I was thinking too of another example,

286
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just to give you guys another physical touch. So I've noticed when we go to like an amusement

287
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park or a place where we're walking around for a long time, like when my hands feel sweaty,

288
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I do not like to hold hands. It has nothing to do with him. It's just when my hand feels sweaty,

289
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I'm just not really into that. But I will take a break and then I will come back and hold his

290
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hand again. But, you know, cause I'm always, I am trying to like, think about that. And I do

291
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enjoy holding his hand. It's just when I get hot, that might not be something in that moment that I

292
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want. But anyways, it can be a lot of different things. So I know that you also had a question.

293
00:16:16.480 --> 00:16:21.200
I think my question was when I took my love language, cause I've taken this before.

294
00:16:21.760 --> 00:16:29.280
Um, my love language was acts of service, which the last time I took it, it was the last of my

295
00:16:29.280 --> 00:16:36.160
languages. Like, and now I don't know quite how it got to be the first. I just wondered if maybe

296
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it changes depending on relationship or. Well, I think a, here's the reality. You all, we all

297
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change. We all do. And I think just even this is another good note that this is coming up because

298
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um, there are a lot of times when people come into relationship and they expect that person

299
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to never change. And then down the road, they're like, wait a minute. Like you're not who you were.

300
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Like, obviously I'm not talking about unhealthy things right now. I'm talking about just in

301
00:17:06.319 --> 00:17:13.359
general, like as we grow and we become like, there might be something now that I want to do that when

302
00:17:13.359 --> 00:17:18.880
we were dating, I didn't even dream of doing that, you know, whether it's a course I'm doing or,

303
00:17:18.880 --> 00:17:25.760
or something and whatnot. But so we want to always be, um, open to understanding that people

304
00:17:25.760 --> 00:17:31.600
evolve and they become, and, you know, grow and want and desire different dreams and goals. So

305
00:17:31.600 --> 00:17:40.240
on in that regard, we also, I believe, um, our love languages can change. Um, I haven't seen my

306
00:17:40.240 --> 00:17:45.280
bottom one come to the top before, but definitely physical touch used to be on the top of mine

307
00:17:45.280 --> 00:17:51.840
before, and it is still high up there, but, uh, words of affirmation took front lead in the last

308
00:17:51.840 --> 00:17:57.360
couple of years. Um, and I think some of that too, just from, and I don't know if this is

309
00:17:57.360 --> 00:18:04.320
psychologically correct or not, but just from my own experience, when I went through a season where

310
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there was like no words of affirmation, I feel like that caused that to change the way I answered

311
00:18:13.120 --> 00:18:20.560
questions. It wasn't that I was being untrue, but to who I was in that time, I really needed that

312
00:18:20.560 --> 00:18:27.360
bucket to be filled. Does that make sense? Yeah. I think relationships change us. Yeah. We were

313
00:18:27.360 --> 00:18:31.520
both married previously. I remember through my first marriage, I was like, man, I just wish I

314
00:18:31.520 --> 00:18:38.640
had a friend to do life with and hang out and laugh with. So coming into this, you know, one of the

315
00:18:38.640 --> 00:18:44.400
ones we'll get to later companionship was huge. It was way up here because coming out of my

316
00:18:44.400 --> 00:18:49.920
previous relationship, I had such a lack of companionship. I now long for that. So I'd be

317
00:18:49.920 --> 00:18:55.360
interested in that when he took it, he might've been before a previous relationship and coming

318
00:18:55.360 --> 00:19:00.800
out of one of those relationships, you're like, I really need this and my next relationship. So I

319
00:19:00.800 --> 00:19:08.800
think it changes after each relationship too. Yeah. So you may want to, for all of you,

320
00:19:09.440 --> 00:19:12.720
when you look at your love languages, and again, we're going to talk about this a little bit in

321
00:19:12.720 --> 00:19:19.040
communication, I would encourage you to not just know what they are, but to communicate to the

322
00:19:19.040 --> 00:19:26.400
person you're in relationship with about like, these are things that when you do them that are

323
00:19:26.400 --> 00:19:34.240
acts of service in your regard, Beth, when you do these things that are acts of service, I feel

324
00:19:34.240 --> 00:19:43.520
loved and talk about those often, you know, when, when your spouse or person that, you know,

325
00:19:43.520 --> 00:19:49.360
you're engaged or dating, let them know like, Hey, when you did this, it really, I felt my love

326
00:19:49.360 --> 00:19:54.240
tank fill up. So, you know, thank you for that or whatever, but communicating and knowing for

327
00:19:54.240 --> 00:19:59.360
yourself, because that's how you're going to be able to communicate it to, to them. Small example.

328
00:20:00.560 --> 00:20:06.400
So we pick up, she orders groceries online and I'll go pick them up and where they load it.

329
00:20:06.400 --> 00:20:09.760
I know I'm kind of spoiled, but I'll just say we got back and I was thinking, man,

330
00:20:09.760 --> 00:20:14.320
I need more coffee creamer. And I pulled it out and there's like two caught my coffee creamers

331
00:20:14.320 --> 00:20:20.560
in there. I was like, man, I told her, I was like, I know you love me because she noticed that my

332
00:20:20.560 --> 00:20:25.760
coffee creamers were almost gone. And she like refilled them. I I'm a gift person. That's high

333
00:20:25.760 --> 00:20:30.640
on me. So for me, that actually spoke to me. I was like, ah, she, she knew that I needed coffee

334
00:20:30.640 --> 00:20:36.880
creamer. Um, and she did that. So I verbally let her know saying that the other day, I know you

335
00:20:36.880 --> 00:20:41.200
love me because I have coffee creamer. And I was kind of like, I that's just part of taking

336
00:20:41.200 --> 00:20:46.240
care of the house. But anyways, so these are ways that they can show up for you all. Um,

337
00:20:46.240 --> 00:20:50.560
as you're getting to know each other and doing life together, we're going to go ahead and go

338
00:20:50.560 --> 00:20:55.520
to Belinda and Eric next. What's something you all learned about each other from doing

339
00:20:55.520 --> 00:21:01.040
these different quizzes? I don't know if I was caught off guard by any of the,

340
00:21:01.040 --> 00:21:06.240
either the Myers-Briggs or the other one, but I just reaffirmed, you know, um,

341
00:21:07.840 --> 00:21:15.040
so for me, the ISFJ, my, my F and J are very strong and he has an N and J. And so we're very

342
00:21:15.040 --> 00:21:20.080
compatible with, with planning and, and so forth like that. But, you know, he makes decisions more

343
00:21:20.080 --> 00:21:24.400
out of logic and mind more of our feelings. And that was kind of confirmed by those results just

344
00:21:24.400 --> 00:21:29.440
throughout the relationship and how we interacted. So that was something I observed.

345
00:21:30.160 --> 00:21:36.000
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. We had talked about, um, love languages shortly after meeting.

346
00:21:36.000 --> 00:21:43.120
So, um, revisiting that now didn't teach us anything that we haven't already sort of been

347
00:21:44.960 --> 00:21:53.600
working at, at doing towards and for each other. Um, our, our thing driving is when I have one

348
00:21:53.600 --> 00:21:57.760
hand on her lap on a windy road, she wants me to hold the steering wheel with two hands. That's

349
00:21:57.760 --> 00:22:05.360
what she tells me. So, um, So are we finding out, Eric, that you are also someone who really

350
00:22:05.360 --> 00:22:10.240
enjoys a lot of physical touch and that makes you feel connected? Is that what I'm hearing you say?

351
00:22:15.200 --> 00:22:21.920
All right. So that might be a way, even though, you know, Belinda, maybe you looking at,

352
00:22:21.920 --> 00:22:26.480
which, you know, people feel different about driving a lot of, a lot of different things

353
00:22:26.480 --> 00:22:33.920
from my perspective. Um, and so if there's a reason that it causes concern in you for him

354
00:22:33.920 --> 00:22:40.320
to not have two hands on the wheel, um, I think maybe look at that because while we would maybe

355
00:22:40.320 --> 00:22:45.920
think, Oh, that's just a small thing. There might be a reason that that causes that in you. Um,

356
00:22:46.880 --> 00:22:52.240
and then y'all can just talk more about that because I think it's also important, um, for

357
00:22:54.400 --> 00:22:59.840
both people to feel safe and loved. And so maybe y'all, if it can't, like, if you're not feeling

358
00:22:59.840 --> 00:23:05.280
safe without two hands on the wheel, maybe y'all can come up with another way to have that

359
00:23:05.280 --> 00:23:12.480
connection. Yeah. Yeah. And we've, when she says that I obviously want her to feel safe.

360
00:23:12.480 --> 00:23:16.640
Oh yeah. Of course. Yeah. There's no issue for me putting two hands on the wheel.

361
00:23:16.640 --> 00:23:21.680
Yeah. I'm saying not so much that you would have a problem with her needing that or wanting that,

362
00:23:21.680 --> 00:23:26.160
but because I do heartwork all the time, y'all that's the first thing I think of is that

363
00:23:26.720 --> 00:23:35.360
a lot of times there are things that people fear that even come out in small ways like that.

364
00:23:35.360 --> 00:23:40.160
Okay. So I would encourage anybody to look at that kind of stuff and just ask it, you know,

365
00:23:40.240 --> 00:23:44.720
and it may, may not be anything, but just asking God a really good question. Like, Hey,

366
00:23:44.720 --> 00:23:50.320
you know, sometimes I've, and I don't want to put words in your mouth, but if you feel safer

367
00:23:50.320 --> 00:23:54.480
with the two hands on the wheel, is there something to this Lord? Or is it just, I prefer that

368
00:23:56.320 --> 00:24:03.280
I'm either holding onto the, the car, the thing on top, probably onto that or two hands. So maybe

369
00:24:03.280 --> 00:24:11.840
there is something there. Well, you know, I, I guess maybe that even comes up for me because

370
00:24:11.840 --> 00:24:17.840
I have a lot of, like, my family was hit by a drunk driver. My brothers had multiple accidents

371
00:24:17.840 --> 00:24:24.320
when I was younger. Um, there just was a lot of trauma, even when I was married before, like my

372
00:24:24.320 --> 00:24:31.360
ex would like get enraged when I was, you know, in the car with him and I felt unsafe a lot in

373
00:24:31.360 --> 00:24:38.640
regarding cars. And so that still shows up for me sometimes when we're driving in the car and he

374
00:24:38.640 --> 00:24:46.080
is being safe, but sometimes I still don't feel safe. Does that make sense? And so, yeah. So

375
00:24:46.080 --> 00:24:51.360
maybe that's why not projecting my stuff onto you at all, but it just might be something worth

376
00:24:51.360 --> 00:24:57.840
looking at. Thank you. So good. All right. Uh, Brian and Megan, how about you all? What'd you

377
00:24:57.840 --> 00:24:59.760
all learn about each other through doing these.

378
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:05.160
Yeah, we definitely gained a lot of knowledge and insight through it.

379
00:25:05.160 --> 00:25:10.080
I think one of the things that a couple of things, her love language being quality time

380
00:25:10.080 --> 00:25:14.700
minus physical touch and quality, it's like it, it varies a lot, but I'm more on the physical

381
00:25:14.700 --> 00:25:15.700
touch.

382
00:25:15.700 --> 00:25:20.020
It just makes me feel secure and safe.

383
00:25:20.020 --> 00:25:25.980
And I think even how we interpreted quality time when we chatted actually lead deferred.

384
00:25:25.980 --> 00:25:33.660
So her definition, and Meg can jump in afterwards, was how just spending time in community, it

385
00:25:33.660 --> 00:25:39.540
could be one-on-one, it could be going to worship, going to events, et cetera.

386
00:25:39.540 --> 00:25:45.500
I thought more quality time as more one-on-one, kind of just kind of private and things like

387
00:25:45.500 --> 00:25:46.500
that.

388
00:25:46.500 --> 00:25:51.140
And so lately we've been doing a lot of social events and like the calendar has just been

389
00:25:51.140 --> 00:25:52.660
feeling full.

390
00:25:52.660 --> 00:25:58.820
And I just feel like we're kind of stuck in this constant, I feel like we have a moment

391
00:25:58.820 --> 00:26:00.100
to breathe.

392
00:26:00.100 --> 00:26:05.780
And that also goes into like our views of pacing and relationship where, you know, it

393
00:26:05.780 --> 00:26:12.140
could be like where I'm meeting a lot of her family and community versus me.

394
00:26:12.140 --> 00:26:15.980
I've been more private and more slower with things.

395
00:26:15.980 --> 00:26:20.180
And that also has to do with like, I've been in past relationships before.

396
00:26:20.220 --> 00:26:24.020
And so I want to just, and I'm also very private in general.

397
00:26:24.020 --> 00:26:29.020
And so that also I think goes with things where I'm just a little more reserved and

398
00:26:29.020 --> 00:26:31.260
I take my time.

399
00:26:31.260 --> 00:26:35.660
And I think this also goes with her being a type seven, she's a enthusiast.

400
00:26:35.660 --> 00:26:38.020
So it's very like fast paced.

401
00:26:38.020 --> 00:26:44.460
And I'm a four in the Enneagram, which is all more like, like more relaxed and identity

402
00:26:44.460 --> 00:26:49.340
and just, so I think we both complement, the fours and sevens can balance each other pretty

403
00:26:49.340 --> 00:26:50.340
well.

404
00:26:50.340 --> 00:26:55.740
So, so yeah, I think it was a lot of like very insightful and how we interpret certain

405
00:26:55.740 --> 00:26:58.820
things was, was really interesting.

406
00:26:58.820 --> 00:26:59.820
So good.

407
00:26:59.820 --> 00:27:00.820
Thank you for sharing.

408
00:27:00.820 --> 00:27:01.820
Megan, how about you?

409
00:27:01.820 --> 00:27:04.820
Um, yeah, I would agree with that.

410
00:27:04.820 --> 00:27:09.540
I mean, the love languages, what the language himself wasn't surprised was our third time

411
00:27:09.540 --> 00:27:10.540
taking the test.

412
00:27:10.540 --> 00:27:15.180
Um, but yeah, you know, because he brought up, he's like, we haven't spent much time

413
00:27:15.180 --> 00:27:16.180
together lately.

414
00:27:16.180 --> 00:27:17.180
And I was like, what do you mean?

415
00:27:17.180 --> 00:27:20.380
We haven't spent any more time than ever.

416
00:27:20.380 --> 00:27:24.180
So just, yeah, where we have very different interpretations or even within the language,

417
00:27:24.180 --> 00:27:28.540
you have to go into a deeper understanding of like, what does that actually mean to you?

418
00:27:28.540 --> 00:27:33.660
Um, I, nothing with the personality test was a surprise at all.

419
00:27:33.660 --> 00:27:38.100
Um, you know, like, I think those stuff, I probably, I probably could have guessed his,

420
00:27:38.100 --> 00:27:39.100
his letters.

421
00:27:39.100 --> 00:27:44.020
Um, the Enneagram just probably because I'm less familiar with the Enneagram, you know,

422
00:27:44.020 --> 00:27:48.460
certain aspects and like the descriptions of it that I still, we're going to dive deeper

423
00:27:48.460 --> 00:27:52.420
into because I just want to understand which of the parts he resonates with fully and which

424
00:27:52.420 --> 00:27:53.420
parts he doesn't.

425
00:27:53.420 --> 00:27:57.420
Um, cause there was some interesting things I think in there.

426
00:27:57.420 --> 00:28:02.220
So let me ask you a question, Megan, do you wake up when there's like, do you feel alive

427
00:28:02.220 --> 00:28:07.860
when there's a lot of people and Brian, do you tend to feel recharged and come alive

428
00:28:07.860 --> 00:28:11.340
after you've had time alone and get rejuvenated?

429
00:28:11.340 --> 00:28:16.100
So interestingly enough, the test says I'm an introvert, um, but it's been like this

430
00:28:16.100 --> 00:28:17.580
progression over the years.

431
00:28:17.580 --> 00:28:18.580
I was an extrovert.

432
00:28:18.580 --> 00:28:23.780
Then I was an Amber vert, um, like post COVID, like my people meter and like, I do get more

433
00:28:23.780 --> 00:28:28.340
exhausted with people, but I love, I can get energized for like an hour.

434
00:28:28.340 --> 00:28:31.380
Like I love like small doses or like hanging out with small groups.

435
00:28:31.380 --> 00:28:35.180
Like a lot of our social gatherings lately have just been with like two other people.

436
00:28:35.180 --> 00:28:37.580
So for me, like that's very comfortable.

437
00:28:37.580 --> 00:28:38.580
Okay.

438
00:28:38.580 --> 00:28:39.580
Yeah.

439
00:28:40.580 --> 00:28:42.780
Brian, how do you get recharged?

440
00:28:42.780 --> 00:28:49.180
Uh, I think it's actually, uh, what you said was, um, like when you said Bethany, it was

441
00:28:49.180 --> 00:28:53.740
definitely just, yeah, I like, I like my solo time, like solo time.

442
00:28:53.740 --> 00:28:59.140
And it is sometimes it's like by myself, I need, um, solo time because for my work, I'm

443
00:28:59.140 --> 00:29:01.500
driving a lot, I'm with clients.

444
00:29:01.500 --> 00:29:03.660
And so it's like, I'm with people all the time.

445
00:29:03.660 --> 00:29:08.660
Um, and we've talked about like, just like sometimes just being with people, like I just

446
00:29:08.740 --> 00:29:10.020
don't like want to deal with it.

447
00:29:10.020 --> 00:29:13.980
I just like want to just hold, just want to recharge.

448
00:29:13.980 --> 00:29:18.460
Like sometimes just having a day, not doing anything for me, it's like, great.

449
00:29:18.460 --> 00:29:24.180
Like just watch some, you know, watching TV, going over the homework assignment.

450
00:29:24.180 --> 00:29:30.060
Like it's just like that one-on-one just reset, not really having like a lot to do.

451
00:29:30.060 --> 00:29:38.340
And so with people, um, I think I feel Megan's more, has more capacity for like events and

452
00:29:38.340 --> 00:29:39.340
with people.

453
00:29:39.340 --> 00:29:41.780
And for me, I think it's, um, it's very selective.

454
00:29:41.780 --> 00:29:43.500
Like it depends on what my threshold is.

455
00:29:43.500 --> 00:29:48.380
So if it was a very intense week, by the weekend, my threshold might be like low.

456
00:29:48.380 --> 00:29:52.140
And then if it was a very quieter week, my threshold might be a little bit higher.

457
00:29:52.140 --> 00:29:56.300
But typically speaking, I'd say, um, Bethany, you said you hit the nail on the head.

458
00:29:56.300 --> 00:30:00.060
I pretty much like to recharge, like in quiet.

459
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:04.320
it in peace, and for me, that's very important for rest.

460
00:30:04.320 --> 00:30:07.720
Yeah, I brought it up because, go ahead, Megan.

461
00:30:07.720 --> 00:30:09.000
Just one other thing I was gonna add

462
00:30:09.000 --> 00:30:11.620
is we had a conversation once where that maybe

463
00:30:11.620 --> 00:30:14.100
our people needs are not so different,

464
00:30:14.100 --> 00:30:15.480
but our work weeks are,

465
00:30:15.480 --> 00:30:17.360
because I work from home a lot,

466
00:30:17.360 --> 00:30:19.080
so I'm not with people a lot.

467
00:30:19.080 --> 00:30:21.680
So for me, spending a couple hours here at church

468
00:30:21.680 --> 00:30:23.200
or there on the weekend,

469
00:30:23.200 --> 00:30:26.200
I just spend multiple days in a row without any people.

470
00:30:27.040 --> 00:30:29.520
But for him, he's seeing client after client

471
00:30:29.520 --> 00:30:33.000
after client after client, physical therapy, hands-on.

472
00:30:34.920 --> 00:30:37.000
So it's possible our needs are not that different,

473
00:30:37.000 --> 00:30:38.960
but they appear very different

474
00:30:38.960 --> 00:30:41.120
because of our different work lifestyles.

475
00:30:41.120 --> 00:30:43.680
Oh, 100%, and I think this goes back

476
00:30:43.680 --> 00:30:45.000
to even what I was saying earlier,

477
00:30:45.000 --> 00:30:47.400
and I know we're not necessarily on attitude yet,

478
00:30:47.400 --> 00:30:49.200
but I think this is a really important conversation,

479
00:30:49.200 --> 00:30:50.040
you all.

480
00:30:51.520 --> 00:30:53.080
Even seasons can change.

481
00:30:53.080 --> 00:30:55.640
So we were talking about seasons of life

482
00:30:56.080 --> 00:30:58.400
and what we need can change in different areas,

483
00:30:58.400 --> 00:31:00.160
physical touch or whatever else.

484
00:31:00.160 --> 00:31:05.160
But even in regards to how much people interaction we need,

485
00:31:06.080 --> 00:31:08.040
how much time do we need to recharge

486
00:31:08.040 --> 00:31:11.600
and what do we wanna do to recharge or what do we need?

487
00:31:11.600 --> 00:31:14.200
And the reason I asked that question

488
00:31:14.200 --> 00:31:16.880
is because of some of the way you all described

489
00:31:18.080 --> 00:31:20.360
how you view quality time even differently.

490
00:31:21.200 --> 00:31:26.200
But also, Brian and I, very early on,

491
00:31:27.000 --> 00:31:31.200
when we first got married, we decided two nights a week,

492
00:31:31.200 --> 00:31:32.800
we were still at home together,

493
00:31:32.800 --> 00:31:36.520
but he would go do his thing and I would do my thing.

494
00:31:36.520 --> 00:31:39.280
And that was so healthy for us

495
00:31:39.280 --> 00:31:43.280
because we both, not that this is you all,

496
00:31:43.280 --> 00:31:46.040
but we both in relationships in the past

497
00:31:46.040 --> 00:31:48.800
got so absorbed by those other people

498
00:31:48.800 --> 00:31:51.120
that we lost ourselves a little bit.

499
00:31:51.120 --> 00:31:54.120
And so we really wanted to put that boundary in place

500
00:31:54.120 --> 00:31:58.840
so that we would kind of have that decompression time

501
00:31:58.840 --> 00:32:02.280
and that we could also just like,

502
00:32:02.280 --> 00:32:05.680
hey, this is something I enjoy and I don't wanna lose this.

503
00:32:05.680 --> 00:32:07.720
And so that was a guardrail we put in place

504
00:32:07.720 --> 00:32:08.880
in the beginning.

505
00:32:08.880 --> 00:32:12.000
And still, I mean, we don't do it exactly

506
00:32:12.000 --> 00:32:13.640
on the same days anymore

507
00:32:13.640 --> 00:32:16.240
just because our schedule changes so much.

508
00:32:16.240 --> 00:32:20.120
But I mean, he will say, hey, I'm gonna go,

509
00:32:20.120 --> 00:32:24.280
like he is a gamer and so he likes to do that

510
00:32:24.280 --> 00:32:25.720
and other things, but he'll be like,

511
00:32:25.720 --> 00:32:28.560
do you care if I go play a game for a while?

512
00:32:28.560 --> 00:32:30.720
And I'm like, no, peace out.

513
00:32:30.720 --> 00:32:34.160
I'm gonna go watch my movie or do whatever I'm gonna do.

514
00:32:34.160 --> 00:32:37.720
And I'm totally okay with it because here's why,

515
00:32:37.720 --> 00:32:41.560
because we really spend a lot of quality time together

516
00:32:41.560 --> 00:32:44.400
throughout the week and we invest in conversation

517
00:32:44.400 --> 00:32:46.960
and connection, even in the small moments,

518
00:32:46.960 --> 00:32:50.400
like in the morning, like he's so good about this.

519
00:32:50.400 --> 00:32:52.600
Like when he gets up and comes out,

520
00:32:52.600 --> 00:32:55.360
like he'll hug me and kiss me and like good hugs.

521
00:32:55.360 --> 00:32:57.960
You all like good hugs really make a difference.

522
00:32:59.680 --> 00:33:01.760
And that just means the world

523
00:33:01.760 --> 00:33:06.160
because I feel like it's just a consistent reminder

524
00:33:06.160 --> 00:33:07.920
of our foundation.

525
00:33:07.920 --> 00:33:09.480
Does that make sense?

526
00:33:09.480 --> 00:33:12.600
So we can go do things.

527
00:33:12.600 --> 00:33:13.440
Go ahead.

528
00:33:13.440 --> 00:33:16.360
I was gonna say, right now we both work at home as well.

529
00:33:16.360 --> 00:33:18.040
So we see each other a lot.

530
00:33:18.040 --> 00:33:19.080
So it is-

531
00:33:19.080 --> 00:33:20.240
All day, every day.

532
00:33:20.240 --> 00:33:21.080
Right.

533
00:33:21.080 --> 00:33:25.240
So for us, that's rejuvenating and getting to spend time.

534
00:33:25.240 --> 00:33:26.400
Yeah.

535
00:33:26.400 --> 00:33:28.560
And so talk about those things as well.

536
00:33:28.560 --> 00:33:33.560
Like what do you all need as far as recharging time?

537
00:33:33.760 --> 00:33:34.920
And the other reason,

538
00:33:34.920 --> 00:33:38.560
and then I'm gonna come over to Terry and Bruce.

539
00:33:38.560 --> 00:33:40.920
The other reason I mentioned it is because

540
00:33:41.360 --> 00:33:44.880
in past relationships I had been in,

541
00:33:44.880 --> 00:33:48.760
when I would need to recharge, it was never okay.

542
00:33:49.720 --> 00:33:53.080
The other person got very like controlling

543
00:33:53.080 --> 00:33:54.200
and all that kind of stuff.

544
00:33:54.200 --> 00:33:55.680
And so you just wanna make sure,

545
00:33:55.680 --> 00:33:59.560
like if your person that you're in relationship with

546
00:33:59.560 --> 00:34:02.760
needs that time and they communicate that to you

547
00:34:02.760 --> 00:34:06.560
in a healthy way, not like, oh, you made me upset.

548
00:34:06.560 --> 00:34:10.080
So go, you know, like not that kind of stuff.

549
00:34:10.080 --> 00:34:12.080
I'm talking about when things are healthy,

550
00:34:12.080 --> 00:34:15.480
you all are, you know, in a good place,

551
00:34:15.480 --> 00:34:18.280
just communicating what your needs are.

552
00:34:18.280 --> 00:34:21.639
If that person feels rejection,

553
00:34:21.639 --> 00:34:26.199
that's not because you have just said something

554
00:34:26.199 --> 00:34:27.040
that you need.

555
00:34:27.040 --> 00:34:29.159
That's more something in them that needs healing.

556
00:34:29.159 --> 00:34:30.760
Does that make sense?

557
00:34:30.760 --> 00:34:32.080
Everyone on the same page here?

558
00:34:32.080 --> 00:34:32.920
Okay.

559
00:34:32.920 --> 00:34:33.760
All right.

560
00:34:33.760 --> 00:34:35.360
So these are just things that are coming up in my spirit

561
00:34:35.360 --> 00:34:36.560
as we're talking about this stuff.

562
00:34:36.560 --> 00:34:39.520
So just kind of, and that ties in, in my mind,

563
00:34:39.520 --> 00:34:40.679
to attitude too.

564
00:34:40.679 --> 00:34:42.400
People not trying to, you know,

565
00:34:42.400 --> 00:34:47.199
control people through attitudes and emotions and stuff.

566
00:34:47.199 --> 00:34:48.880
All right, Terry and Bruce,

567
00:34:48.880 --> 00:34:52.320
what did you all learn about each other through the quizzes?

568
00:34:55.080 --> 00:34:56.800
I think for me, the biggest thing was,

569
00:34:56.800 --> 00:34:58.360
is I already knew I'm an extrovert.

570
00:34:58.360 --> 00:34:59.560
He's an introvert.

571
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:06.240
and over the course of the almost five months we've been together there's been two occurrences

572
00:35:06.240 --> 00:35:13.600
where something was said and I took it personally and reacted to it not understanding why

573
00:35:14.720 --> 00:35:19.200
and we talked it out I prayed about it you know we handled it well and resolved it but I still

574
00:35:19.200 --> 00:35:25.360
didn't understand what the response was from and in doing the quizzes and whatnot he said

575
00:35:25.360 --> 00:35:32.640
something really profound which is he speaks in optimism and executes in caution until he has

576
00:35:32.640 --> 00:35:40.160
the facts and that was really a revelation to me because being an extrovert I also listen and I

577
00:35:40.160 --> 00:35:46.320
gather all the facts and I don't speak until I'm ready to take action not knowing that he was the

578
00:35:46.320 --> 00:35:51.840
opposite of that and that's where my response came from in both those occasions so having this

579
00:35:51.840 --> 00:35:59.040
clarity for me was so good of don't react don't take it personally don't think that there's a

580
00:35:59.040 --> 00:36:05.440
problem is understand is he's still processing that was really really good and then many things

581
00:36:05.440 --> 00:36:11.440
we already knew like physical touch is both of our love languages the quizzes were just the one we did

582
00:36:12.160 --> 00:36:18.480
is just confirming that's so good I love what you shared and the insights that you're gaining

583
00:36:18.480 --> 00:36:24.400
into Bruce and the way that he now you like this is that's a game changer in my mind now that you

584
00:36:24.400 --> 00:36:30.160
have that insight as long as you keep leaning into that right lean into that place and and being

585
00:36:30.160 --> 00:36:35.760
secure in the Lord is going to be really important for you as you move forward Bruce go ahead

586
00:36:39.840 --> 00:36:48.000
anything you want to share no I mean I'm a quality time guy too so and I'm like some of the others I

587
00:36:48.000 --> 00:36:54.880
work from home have done that for a long time and I like that but I also want to get connected with

588
00:36:54.880 --> 00:37:00.800
with people as well I call myself an introvert with extrovert tendencies

589
00:37:02.960 --> 00:37:09.600
but he's very good because I'm around people all day long I deal with a lot of clients all day

590
00:37:09.600 --> 00:37:16.320
long so when I get home I'm tired and sometimes I need that space where he works from home and

591
00:37:16.320 --> 00:37:22.800
he does interact with people on a less regular basis let's say but he's very good and intuitive

592
00:37:22.800 --> 00:37:29.520
about knowing what I need and giving me space yeah I really appreciate that that's so good I

593
00:37:29.520 --> 00:37:33.840
love this you all this was great conversation I hope this was really helpful for you I'm going

594
00:37:33.840 --> 00:37:40.160
to start to go through our sheets a little bit here we are so this week was about dynamics

595
00:37:40.240 --> 00:37:47.520
attitude is the first thing so when you all saw what your different attitudes are and how you

596
00:37:47.520 --> 00:37:53.760
approach life essentially what did you think about your results like was there anything

597
00:37:54.720 --> 00:38:01.760
that's like you resonated with or that you know stood out to you that man I just didn't I didn't

598
00:38:01.760 --> 00:38:07.040
you know understand that about myself or the other person at all and just start to put those in the

599
00:38:07.040 --> 00:38:11.520
chat for me I want to kind of get you guys moving on some of this and we'll start talking about kind

600
00:38:11.520 --> 00:38:17.600
of the next concept so for example marriage was never intended to make you happy you make your

601
00:38:17.600 --> 00:38:23.600
marriage happy how it all comes down to attitude and adaptability and this is on your sheet in

602
00:38:23.600 --> 00:38:28.000
other words your ability to adjust to things outside your control so super important that you

603
00:38:28.000 --> 00:38:32.720
don't look to your spouse your person you're engaged to a relationship I know you all are in

604
00:38:32.720 --> 00:38:41.840
different phases to make you happy I Bethany need to find happiness in myself in the Lord and be

605
00:38:41.840 --> 00:38:47.840
secure in that and Brian needs to do the same thing and then we're we're two whole people

606
00:38:47.840 --> 00:38:53.920
coming together in a healthy way then we can become one and and all the things the Bible talks

607
00:38:53.920 --> 00:39:01.200
the blessings that come from that when people are looking to that other person to make them happy

608
00:39:01.200 --> 00:39:08.720
that's where individuals can get into trouble so basically I was asking you all for some of you

609
00:39:08.720 --> 00:39:13.040
you might not be able to but when you put in the chat like was there anything that surprised you

610
00:39:13.040 --> 00:39:21.360
about your percentage any of that kind of stuff about yourself or your partner I'm just going to

611
00:39:21.360 --> 00:39:25.360
call everybody your partner just so y'all so I don't have to keep saying the different things

612
00:39:25.920 --> 00:39:29.120
okay awesome Belinda and Eric go ahead if y'all want to share

613
00:39:33.440 --> 00:39:44.160
uh anything that's surprised yeah um no um I mean I've you know those of us are that are older and

614
00:39:44.160 --> 00:39:49.760
have been through life um hopefully we're at the point that we understand that nothing's really in

615
00:39:49.840 --> 00:39:53.760
that nothing's really in our control I mean God's in control of all of it

616
00:39:54.800 --> 00:39:59.840
um I mean there's there's ways that we can control our response to things

617
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:05.000
but in terms of life circumstance, God's in control.

618
00:40:07.920 --> 00:40:12.920
And so when things happen, what we've talked about is,

619
00:40:13.820 --> 00:40:18.820
and I think I know I find attractive in Belinda

620
00:40:19.520 --> 00:40:22.780
is that we both pretty much immediately turn

621
00:40:22.780 --> 00:40:24.760
in prayer to the Lord.

622
00:40:24.760 --> 00:40:29.760
And we don't yet,

623
00:40:30.840 --> 00:40:35.840
overly angry or frustrated in the circumstance.

624
00:40:37.000 --> 00:40:42.000
And we both very quickly give it up to the Lord

625
00:40:42.160 --> 00:40:45.520
and ask for and accept whatever peace

626
00:40:45.520 --> 00:40:47.400
and whatever plan he has for us.

627
00:40:51.680 --> 00:40:52.800
I don't know if that's the kind of answer

628
00:40:52.800 --> 00:40:53.640
you were looking for.

629
00:40:53.640 --> 00:40:55.080
Yeah, I think that's great.

630
00:40:55.080 --> 00:40:58.360
And I love that you're bringing up to the control

631
00:40:58.360 --> 00:40:59.960
and that God's in control.

632
00:40:59.960 --> 00:41:01.600
If y'all haven't done our heart work,

633
00:41:01.600 --> 00:41:04.080
we talk a lot about supernatural surrender.

634
00:41:04.080 --> 00:41:07.160
And there are times where just even in our attitudes,

635
00:41:07.160 --> 00:41:09.400
like in our situations in relationship,

636
00:41:09.400 --> 00:41:14.400
we need to surrender control and allow healing to come in.

637
00:41:14.520 --> 00:41:16.120
So I think that's super important,

638
00:41:16.120 --> 00:41:17.840
turning to the Lord and praying

639
00:41:19.200 --> 00:41:22.040
is gonna be really pivotal for y'all as well.

640
00:41:22.040 --> 00:41:23.980
Anyone else have anything you wanna share?

641
00:41:23.980 --> 00:41:27.160
It could be something that maybe it didn't seem like

642
00:41:27.160 --> 00:41:30.840
you resonated with it or something that was good.

643
00:41:30.840 --> 00:41:33.120
If anyone has anything awesome,

644
00:41:33.120 --> 00:41:36.000
if not, we'll go to the next question.

645
00:41:41.120 --> 00:41:42.040
Everyone good?

646
00:41:43.040 --> 00:41:44.480
Okay, we'll go to the next question.

647
00:41:44.480 --> 00:41:46.200
If you guys think of something and wanna share it,

648
00:41:46.200 --> 00:41:48.040
that's totally fine.

649
00:41:48.040 --> 00:41:50.480
So I wanna ask you all,

650
00:41:50.480 --> 00:41:54.360
when an unfavorable circumstance arises,

651
00:41:54.360 --> 00:41:56.800
how will the two of you adjust

652
00:41:56.800 --> 00:41:59.600
to those unfavorable circumstances

653
00:41:59.600 --> 00:42:01.440
based off of your attitude

654
00:42:01.440 --> 00:42:03.600
and what you learned about yourself?

655
00:42:06.000 --> 00:42:08.960
And one person can share for the couple or both people,

656
00:42:08.960 --> 00:42:10.600
y'all can do it however you want.

657
00:42:12.440 --> 00:42:13.520
Go ahead, Brian.

658
00:42:13.520 --> 00:42:16.120
Sorry, I just started talking.

659
00:42:16.120 --> 00:42:17.960
I can let you go first.

660
00:42:17.960 --> 00:42:18.800
It's okay.

661
00:42:18.800 --> 00:42:19.640
It's okay, Candice, go ahead.

662
00:42:19.640 --> 00:42:20.840
You can go, you can go.

663
00:42:20.840 --> 00:42:21.680
Thanks, Brian.

664
00:42:22.080 --> 00:42:27.000
So for us, we had like a close percentage

665
00:42:27.000 --> 00:42:27.840
in terms of attitudes.

666
00:42:27.840 --> 00:42:31.360
I have like 80% and he has 75.

667
00:42:31.360 --> 00:42:33.000
So we're kind of, when we're talking,

668
00:42:33.000 --> 00:42:37.800
we're just talking about like how he's actually been,

669
00:42:37.800 --> 00:42:41.400
let's say improving in terms of resilience.

670
00:42:42.640 --> 00:42:44.680
And just talking about, and I had to tell him

671
00:42:44.680 --> 00:42:46.720
that like the life, the kinds of experience,

672
00:42:46.720 --> 00:42:48.480
I used to be even lower,

673
00:42:48.480 --> 00:42:50.840
but it's just the life experiences that I've had

674
00:42:50.880 --> 00:42:53.640
and the things that I've had to surrender to the Lord

675
00:42:53.640 --> 00:42:55.520
time after time after time,

676
00:42:55.520 --> 00:42:57.440
then you just stop being a control freak, right?

677
00:42:57.440 --> 00:42:59.880
You're just like, I can't do this.

678
00:42:59.880 --> 00:43:02.400
God has to, I have to surrender.

679
00:43:02.400 --> 00:43:05.400
And so it's something that is learnable.

680
00:43:05.400 --> 00:43:07.720
And I think like for him, he was just like saying,

681
00:43:07.720 --> 00:43:11.520
me sharing about the fact that I used to be that way

682
00:43:11.520 --> 00:43:13.200
was like helpful.

683
00:43:13.200 --> 00:43:15.320
And let me say, giving him hope, like, okay, hey,

684
00:43:15.320 --> 00:43:18.680
like I can still grow in this,

685
00:43:18.680 --> 00:43:21.560
even though sometimes I'm like more, you know.

686
00:43:21.560 --> 00:43:24.640
And so for us, we decided, you know,

687
00:43:24.640 --> 00:43:27.360
I let him decide, you know, what we're talking was like,

688
00:43:27.360 --> 00:43:31.000
okay, so how are we gonna solve an unfavorable circumstance?

689
00:43:31.000 --> 00:43:33.960
And he said, you know, we'll pray.

690
00:43:33.960 --> 00:43:34.840
That's the first thing we'll do.

691
00:43:34.840 --> 00:43:36.560
And I was like, that's me too.

692
00:43:36.560 --> 00:43:38.600
And that's what we've been adopting.

693
00:43:38.600 --> 00:43:39.640
And it's really been helping us.

694
00:43:39.640 --> 00:43:41.840
It's like, okay, you just have this thing

695
00:43:41.840 --> 00:43:43.720
and suddenly like, okay, you know what?

696
00:43:43.720 --> 00:43:46.080
First of all, let's take this to the Lord

697
00:43:46.080 --> 00:43:49.000
because it could go all kinds of ways.

698
00:43:49.000 --> 00:43:51.040
But as long as we talk to the Lord,

699
00:43:51.040 --> 00:43:52.960
then we just come into this place of peace.

700
00:43:52.960 --> 00:43:53.920
And then we're in a state

701
00:43:53.920 --> 00:43:57.040
where we can actually handle things better.

702
00:43:57.040 --> 00:43:58.200
That's really good.

703
00:43:58.200 --> 00:43:59.400
I love it.

704
00:43:59.400 --> 00:44:01.840
The Lord has really, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

705
00:44:01.840 --> 00:44:02.960
No, no, go ahead.

706
00:44:02.960 --> 00:44:05.800
Yeah, the Lord has really helped Candace with change

707
00:44:05.800 --> 00:44:07.600
and embracing change.

708
00:44:07.600 --> 00:44:09.080
And he's working on me as well.

709
00:44:09.080 --> 00:44:10.760
I've come a long way.

710
00:44:10.760 --> 00:44:13.000
I mean, without him, I couldn't have made changes

711
00:44:13.000 --> 00:44:15.080
I've done recently in my life.

712
00:44:15.080 --> 00:44:20.080
And through that together is the solution to going forward.

713
00:44:22.320 --> 00:44:23.680
So good.

714
00:44:23.680 --> 00:44:25.640
So fun to hear from you all.

715
00:44:25.640 --> 00:44:26.520
Thank you for sharing.

716
00:44:26.520 --> 00:44:28.320
Brian, how about you?

717
00:44:28.320 --> 00:44:30.840
Yeah, I think one of the things we came across

718
00:44:30.840 --> 00:44:35.280
is like a lot of times if it's a high pressure situation

719
00:44:35.280 --> 00:44:38.200
and we need to come up with something on the spot.

720
00:44:38.200 --> 00:44:42.640
For me, sometimes I'm a big methodical analyzer.

721
00:44:42.640 --> 00:44:44.720
So that was like me to a T.

722
00:44:45.400 --> 00:44:46.240
I sometimes overthink it.

723
00:44:46.240 --> 00:44:47.200
So I wanna process it.

724
00:44:47.200 --> 00:44:48.040
I just look at it.

725
00:44:48.040 --> 00:44:52.040
Let's break it down details.

726
00:44:52.040 --> 00:44:55.320
But sometimes a high pressure situation is too much.

727
00:44:55.320 --> 00:44:58.640
And so I think those are where I think Megan excels.

728
00:44:58.640 --> 00:44:59.840
I think sometimes.

729
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:04.520
certain certain certain life circumstances can feel like,

730
00:45:05.160 --> 00:45:07.760
because I know she's a boss lady, you know, with her work.

731
00:45:08.000 --> 00:45:10.240
So it can feel.

732
00:45:10.240 --> 00:45:13.800
That that that mindset is still going,

733
00:45:13.800 --> 00:45:16.960
and so I can feel like overpressured or like

734
00:45:16.960 --> 00:45:19.960
it could feel overbearing at times, depending on if it's

735
00:45:20.600 --> 00:45:24.440
a project or a certain situation, so it can feel like

736
00:45:25.520 --> 00:45:29.040
where's the relationship person versus like, I don't need the boss person.

737
00:45:29.040 --> 00:45:32.920
So I think that also sometimes has happened in certain things.

738
00:45:34.600 --> 00:45:35.840
That's so good.

739
00:45:35.840 --> 00:45:38.600
I feel like Brian and I have to balance that really well, too.

740
00:45:38.600 --> 00:45:39.920
I just want to support you on that.

741
00:45:39.920 --> 00:45:43.280
Like, I mean, he and I have both done ministry for years.

742
00:45:43.760 --> 00:45:47.840
And we both do an amazing job at what we're doing.

743
00:45:49.040 --> 00:45:52.640
And sometimes like when he's pastoring,

744
00:45:54.120 --> 00:45:58.240
like I was going to use this example later, but I feel like it kind of resonates

745
00:45:58.240 --> 00:46:02.080
now with what you're saying, like he just had a board meeting recently

746
00:46:02.480 --> 00:46:05.960
and he was talking about we're in a new church and he's getting to know the people

747
00:46:05.960 --> 00:46:06.840
and we're getting to know

748
00:46:06.840 --> 00:46:09.840
kind of what this church has gone through in the past and all of that.

749
00:46:11.000 --> 00:46:15.080
And I will also say Brian and I came from different denominational backgrounds,

750
00:46:15.080 --> 00:46:16.840
so there's that there, too.

751
00:46:16.840 --> 00:46:20.360
Not that that's a big, huge thing, but I do think we process information

752
00:46:20.360 --> 00:46:23.240
differently in the way we look at things because of who we are,

753
00:46:23.560 --> 00:46:25.680
but also how we approach things

754
00:46:28.240 --> 00:46:31.680
from denominational to also leadership styles,

755
00:46:31.680 --> 00:46:34.360
all the different things, communication.

756
00:46:34.360 --> 00:46:38.600
And so he did a great and amazing job with his board.

757
00:46:38.640 --> 00:46:41.240
They were talking about someone that, you know,

758
00:46:41.640 --> 00:46:43.320
they're feeling a certain way about.

759
00:46:43.320 --> 00:46:47.960
And Brian was amazing at like listening to all of them

760
00:46:47.960 --> 00:46:49.720
and their concerns and all of that.

761
00:46:49.720 --> 00:46:51.920
And I when he was telling me, I wasn't even in there,

762
00:46:51.920 --> 00:46:53.200
but he was telling me about it later.

763
00:46:53.200 --> 00:46:56.400
I was like, why can't these people just move on?

764
00:46:56.640 --> 00:46:57.880
Love this person where they're at.

765
00:46:57.880 --> 00:46:59.040
She's doing an amazing job.

766
00:46:59.040 --> 00:47:04.160
Like, why can't we just tell them to like just, you know, and I I'm very pastoral.

767
00:47:04.160 --> 00:47:07.240
So it's kind of funny, like with the in-person church,

768
00:47:07.240 --> 00:47:11.160
sometimes I feel a little different than I do when I'm online ministering,

769
00:47:11.160 --> 00:47:13.840
which is kind of unique and and interesting.

770
00:47:14.120 --> 00:47:16.200
But I bring that up because.

771
00:47:17.760 --> 00:47:20.320
Brian communicates.

772
00:47:20.320 --> 00:47:25.040
From a pastoral perspective, that's his role, and he's

773
00:47:25.040 --> 00:47:30.280
he's very good at like also understanding kind of, if you will,

774
00:47:30.280 --> 00:47:32.760
the politics that need to be at play there

775
00:47:33.760 --> 00:47:37.920
to help everyone in that situation feel supported.

776
00:47:39.200 --> 00:47:47.640
I. Come at it from the direction of a lot of times my prophetic gifting

777
00:47:47.640 --> 00:47:52.080
kind of like I'm just ready for people to just know the direction.

778
00:47:52.240 --> 00:47:53.640
This is the vision.

779
00:47:53.640 --> 00:47:55.600
Let's go. Let's do this thing.

780
00:47:55.600 --> 00:47:59.400
And sometimes that we don't really fight really that.

781
00:47:59.760 --> 00:48:01.000
I don't even know.

782
00:48:01.000 --> 00:48:04.360
Maybe two disagreements that I can even remember.

783
00:48:04.360 --> 00:48:09.480
But I feel like sometimes our attention can be similar.

784
00:48:09.480 --> 00:48:14.840
I guess that's why I brought it up, where I am so busy all day

785
00:48:14.840 --> 00:48:20.120
running things for the last year single and, you know, knocking projects out.

786
00:48:20.120 --> 00:48:22.920
And so he comes in and he's just wanting to just talk.

787
00:48:23.640 --> 00:48:26.640
And he doesn't need me to fix that.

788
00:48:27.880 --> 00:48:29.360
He doesn't need me to fix that.

789
00:48:29.360 --> 00:48:33.400
He doesn't need to be me to be boss, babe, and tell him how I think

790
00:48:33.400 --> 00:48:37.280
he should handle it and not that I was even trying to do that necessarily.

791
00:48:37.280 --> 00:48:39.960
But I do think sometimes that can kind of kick in.

792
00:48:40.240 --> 00:48:45.400
So for whatever reason, that came up for me when you were saying that just now.

793
00:48:45.400 --> 00:48:49.320
And not that Megan does that or I'm not insinuating any of you ever do that.

794
00:48:49.320 --> 00:48:51.400
But I hope that's helpful.

795
00:48:51.400 --> 00:48:53.520
So I had to downshift that night.

796
00:48:53.560 --> 00:48:54.840
That's kind of why I brought it up.

797
00:48:55.920 --> 00:49:01.000
I needed to downshift and acknowledge like he's really gifted at this.

798
00:49:01.360 --> 00:49:07.000
And those people all felt so loved and supported and heard.

799
00:49:07.360 --> 00:49:08.400
And it was incredible.

800
00:49:09.120 --> 00:49:15.400
So, um, just understand the differences in each other and respect that, um, that

801
00:49:15.520 --> 00:49:21.200
God is gifted each one of you uniquely, um, to bring to the table, what's

802
00:49:21.200 --> 00:49:23.320
needed and the different scenarios.

803
00:49:23.720 --> 00:49:23.800
Yeah.

804
00:49:24.640 --> 00:49:27.320
And to add to that, this is, I think where it's like boots

805
00:49:27.320 --> 00:49:28.760
to the ground and relationships.

806
00:49:28.800 --> 00:49:30.760
They talk about relationships, take work.

807
00:49:31.520 --> 00:49:38.280
Cause we can't just be who we want to be or bring our job personas home.

808
00:49:38.720 --> 00:49:43.800
Um, or when you meet up with your, your partner, you kind of have to remember,

809
00:49:43.800 --> 00:49:46.560
okay, you know, it's time together.

810
00:49:46.840 --> 00:49:48.760
I need to be, so you kind of have to like switch.

811
00:49:48.800 --> 00:49:51.000
You have to take off one hand and grow on another.

812
00:49:51.160 --> 00:49:53.080
This is the work of a relationship.

813
00:49:53.560 --> 00:49:57.600
Um, because it's so easy to come home and just still be the boss.

814
00:49:57.600 --> 00:49:59.360
I'm like, no, this is the way you got to do it.

815
00:49:59.720 --> 00:49:59.960
So.

816
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:02.240
easy to do that, but you got to really focus.

817
00:50:02.240 --> 00:50:04.400
And sometimes if you're driving home,

818
00:50:04.400 --> 00:50:08.120
if you have a commute, just spend time thinking about,

819
00:50:08.120 --> 00:50:11.200
okay, we get home, we need to have this conversation,

820
00:50:11.200 --> 00:50:14.920
just kind of try to switch on your way back

821
00:50:14.920 --> 00:50:18.960
because we really do have to be ourselves,

822
00:50:18.960 --> 00:50:22.600
but our partner, what our partner needs too.

823
00:50:22.600 --> 00:50:25.120
So I think that's the boots to the ground,

824
00:50:25.120 --> 00:50:27.280
what a relationship, building a healthy relationship

825
00:50:27.280 --> 00:50:28.120
looks like.

826
00:50:28.120 --> 00:50:30.800
Tricky part, for those of you that work from home,

827
00:50:30.800 --> 00:50:31.640
would you agree?

828
00:50:31.640 --> 00:50:33.240
There's no drive time.

829
00:50:33.240 --> 00:50:38.240
There's nowhere to drive to let the day diffuse in my brain.

830
00:50:38.360 --> 00:50:40.800
So he walks in the door and I'm like,

831
00:50:40.800 --> 00:50:45.800
like I'm just wound up because 50,000 things have happened.

832
00:50:45.920 --> 00:50:47.280
I see some people laughing,

833
00:50:47.280 --> 00:50:52.120
so maybe you relate to this a little bit, but just, yeah.

834
00:50:52.120 --> 00:50:55.800
Sometimes I feel like the Lord has been really talking

835
00:50:55.800 --> 00:51:00.800
to me about trying to hold some stuff back,

836
00:51:02.240 --> 00:51:05.920
right when like, if he's gone and comes in the door,

837
00:51:05.920 --> 00:51:08.400
even if we both are in our consecutive kind of working

838
00:51:08.400 --> 00:51:12.720
spaces that we're really respecting each other's workspace

839
00:51:12.720 --> 00:51:15.840
and not like constantly like interrupting each other's

840
00:51:15.840 --> 00:51:17.520
workday or that kind of thing.

841
00:51:17.520 --> 00:51:20.600
So again, I don't know if that is helpful

842
00:51:20.600 --> 00:51:22.640
or if that went too far on the rabbit trail,

843
00:51:22.640 --> 00:51:26.960
but I think it's important to know kind of when we need

844
00:51:26.960 --> 00:51:29.600
to dial it down or even communicate like,

845
00:51:29.600 --> 00:51:32.240
hey, I had a really stressful day.

846
00:51:32.240 --> 00:51:36.760
I might need 10 minutes when I get home by myself

847
00:51:36.760 --> 00:51:41.080
to decompress, but then I'll come back out

848
00:51:41.080 --> 00:51:43.600
and we can talk and we can catch up on the day

849
00:51:45.360 --> 00:51:49.360
versus just coming home and going right into that situation

850
00:51:49.360 --> 00:51:51.480
and then there being frustration

851
00:51:51.480 --> 00:51:53.440
because you're just not really in a head space

852
00:51:53.440 --> 00:51:58.360
or emotional space to hear what they are excited

853
00:51:58.360 --> 00:52:00.560
to share with you, right?

854
00:52:00.560 --> 00:52:02.000
Yeah.

855
00:52:02.000 --> 00:52:06.200
So when y'all are looking at your challenging situations,

856
00:52:06.200 --> 00:52:07.760
you have the cooperating spouse.

857
00:52:07.760 --> 00:52:09.760
This is Brian and I's examples.

858
00:52:09.760 --> 00:52:12.560
I was cooperating, he's affirming.

859
00:52:12.560 --> 00:52:16.480
Did you all like, when you went through this,

860
00:52:16.480 --> 00:52:19.360
you're looking at the ways that you face challenges,

861
00:52:19.360 --> 00:52:21.160
what shows up for you?

862
00:52:22.240 --> 00:52:23.880
Again, mine is cooperating.

863
00:52:23.880 --> 00:52:26.560
So mine said enthusiastic, charming, inspiring,

864
00:52:26.560 --> 00:52:28.560
persuasive, outgoing.

865
00:52:28.560 --> 00:52:30.280
Brian's is affirming.

866
00:52:30.280 --> 00:52:32.120
His was enthusiastic, persuasive,

867
00:52:32.120 --> 00:52:34.360
inspiring, outgoing, optimistic.

868
00:52:34.360 --> 00:52:38.680
So those are things that when we are feeling challenged

869
00:52:38.680 --> 00:52:43.680
that show up, but at the bottom, if y'all remember,

870
00:52:43.960 --> 00:52:46.960
it goes through like how does your partner perceive you

871
00:52:46.960 --> 00:52:50.040
though when there's a lot of stress going on?

872
00:52:50.040 --> 00:52:51.240
And so-

873
00:52:51.240 --> 00:52:54.320
And just to clarify, that doesn't mean,

874
00:52:54.320 --> 00:52:56.320
sometimes people get those confused.

875
00:52:56.320 --> 00:52:59.840
Those aren't necessarily your characteristics,

876
00:52:59.840 --> 00:53:03.200
but what people can see you as.

877
00:53:03.200 --> 00:53:05.520
So for example, one of mine were on the-

878
00:53:05.520 --> 00:53:07.120
This is under the stress part.

879
00:53:07.120 --> 00:53:11.400
The bomb, I'm pretty laid back and chill.

880
00:53:11.400 --> 00:53:14.160
So she's very organized.

881
00:53:14.160 --> 00:53:17.880
So when we have stress or like in situations,

882
00:53:17.880 --> 00:53:21.320
she's like structure ready to go.

883
00:53:21.320 --> 00:53:22.760
I'm pretty chill and laid back.

884
00:53:22.760 --> 00:53:26.920
To her, that seems like I'm being flippant or unrealistic,

885
00:53:26.920 --> 00:53:30.400
but I'm really not per se, but that's what she's perceiving.

886
00:53:30.400 --> 00:53:34.320
So just to clarify, those aren't actually attributes

887
00:53:34.320 --> 00:53:38.480
that you have, but how people can perceive you

888
00:53:38.480 --> 00:53:41.360
when you're in those situations.

889
00:53:41.360 --> 00:53:44.000
Right, so one of the examples we had,

890
00:53:44.840 --> 00:53:46.560
do you wanna share real quick about that?

891
00:53:46.560 --> 00:53:47.400
Which one was it?

892
00:53:47.400 --> 00:53:48.400
The reappointment.

893
00:53:48.400 --> 00:53:51.080
Oh yeah, oh, fun times.

894
00:53:51.080 --> 00:53:54.440
So when we were in Indiana, we're in Florida now,

895
00:53:54.440 --> 00:53:56.440
we were going through a transition time.

896
00:53:56.440 --> 00:53:59.120
We were praying about what the Lord had for us.

897
00:53:59.120 --> 00:54:00.960
And we were going through a situation

898
00:54:00.960 --> 00:54:05.360
where my superintendent called me at nine o'clock PM

899
00:54:06.400 --> 00:54:11.400
and said, hey, we have a new church for you in a new town.

900
00:54:11.560 --> 00:54:14.240
As a pastor, we also have a parson.

901
00:54:14.240 --> 00:54:18.040
So when I get a new job, it also means a new house,

902
00:54:18.040 --> 00:54:22.360
a new community, a new like everything starting over again.

903
00:54:22.360 --> 00:54:24.720
And he told me where it was and said,

904
00:54:24.720 --> 00:54:26.840
I need to make a decision by like nine o'clock

905
00:54:26.840 --> 00:54:27.760
the next morning.

906
00:54:27.760 --> 00:54:31.000
So, I mean, and we didn't have a lot of choice.

907
00:54:31.000 --> 00:54:32.160
It wasn't a discussion.

908
00:54:32.160 --> 00:54:34.240
It was just kind of like, here's where you're going.

909
00:54:34.240 --> 00:54:39.120
So, being again, my affirming spouse,

910
00:54:39.160 --> 00:54:42.720
one of them is optimistic, inspiring, persuasive.

911
00:54:42.720 --> 00:54:44.840
I'm sharing this with her.

912
00:54:44.840 --> 00:54:47.680
And the church that we were being sent to

913
00:54:47.680 --> 00:54:51.560
was probably a kind of a worse overall situation

914
00:54:51.560 --> 00:54:53.720
than where we currently were.

915
00:54:53.720 --> 00:54:56.040
And to clarify, we're very happy where we are now.

916
00:54:56.040 --> 00:54:57.000
That's not where we are now.

917
00:54:57.000 --> 00:54:57.920
God worked it all out.

918
00:54:57.920 --> 00:55:00.120
So that's not where we, but all that to say.

919
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:02.440
I was like, oh man, this is not good.

920
00:55:02.440 --> 00:55:04.160
So I automatically kick in and it's like,

921
00:55:04.160 --> 00:55:05.920
hey, we can do this.

922
00:55:05.920 --> 00:55:07.300
And I was trying to be like, you know,

923
00:55:07.300 --> 00:55:10.160
trying to sell her, look at this, look at this.

924
00:55:10.160 --> 00:55:11.320
It's a great town.

925
00:55:11.320 --> 00:55:13.560
And like Chick-fil-A is like right around the corner,

926
00:55:13.560 --> 00:55:16.360
like trying to think of all the positive things, right?

927
00:55:16.360 --> 00:55:17.280
But.

928
00:55:17.280 --> 00:55:22.280
Yeah, I was not having it and I cried and I was like,

929
00:55:22.920 --> 00:55:25.520
that is not where we are supposed to go.

930
00:55:25.520 --> 00:55:28.120
Like, I was like, part of it wasn't,

931
00:55:28.120 --> 00:55:30.320
I wasn't trying to be, you know,

932
00:55:30.320 --> 00:55:33.080
resistant or rebellious or disrespectful to him,

933
00:55:33.080 --> 00:55:37.720
but I really knew God told us we prayed for a while

934
00:55:37.720 --> 00:55:42.140
and God had been telling us that he was taking us forward.

935
00:55:42.140 --> 00:55:46.080
And that situation was backwards.

936
00:55:46.080 --> 00:55:49.320
And so I was like, I do not receive this.

937
00:55:49.320 --> 00:55:52.520
I am sorry, this, no, like we are not going there.

938
00:55:52.520 --> 00:55:55.240
And, you know, he kept trying to like comfort me

939
00:55:55.880 --> 00:55:58.240
and I was like, he was, he was great.

940
00:55:58.240 --> 00:55:59.560
He was really great.

941
00:55:59.560 --> 00:56:03.520
But in that moment also, I was like,

942
00:56:03.520 --> 00:56:04.880
yeah, please don't touch me.

943
00:56:04.880 --> 00:56:07.960
Like I was like feeling mad at him.

944
00:56:07.960 --> 00:56:09.040
You know, I'm just being transparent.

945
00:56:09.040 --> 00:56:13.360
I felt mad at him because it was his job

946
00:56:13.360 --> 00:56:15.000
that was causing this.

947
00:56:16.120 --> 00:56:18.520
And so we had to process that.

948
00:56:18.520 --> 00:56:19.960
She seemed flippant.

949
00:56:19.960 --> 00:56:21.400
I seemed flippant.

950
00:56:21.400 --> 00:56:25.600
And I seemed unrealistic and self-promoting.

951
00:56:25.600 --> 00:56:26.440
A little bit, yeah.

952
00:56:26.440 --> 00:56:28.000
Even though I was trying to be encouraging.

953
00:56:28.000 --> 00:56:29.000
Right.

954
00:56:29.000 --> 00:56:31.480
And so key here, a couple of things,

955
00:56:31.480 --> 00:56:34.720
is that I said to him,

956
00:56:34.720 --> 00:56:37.840
hey, I need a little bit of space to process this.

957
00:56:37.840 --> 00:56:40.160
This is super overwhelming.

958
00:56:40.160 --> 00:56:43.440
And he respected that.

959
00:56:43.440 --> 00:56:45.440
And he gave me space and we agreed

960
00:56:45.440 --> 00:56:48.600
that we would come back a little bit later to talk about it.

961
00:56:48.600 --> 00:56:50.160
And so we did.

962
00:56:50.160 --> 00:56:53.960
And so we both, you know, listened to each other

963
00:56:53.960 --> 00:56:56.920
and honored each other in that situation.

964
00:56:56.920 --> 00:56:58.680
And God really worked it out.

965
00:56:58.680 --> 00:57:01.440
We did end up going to visit that church.

966
00:57:01.440 --> 00:57:03.840
We did not believe that was where God was leading us.

967
00:57:03.840 --> 00:57:05.560
And so we kept praying.

968
00:57:05.560 --> 00:57:07.400
I wanted that to be an example for you all

969
00:57:07.400 --> 00:57:10.200
because sometimes life is gonna throw you curve balls

970
00:57:10.200 --> 00:57:12.400
and it's gonna be really uncomfortable.

971
00:57:12.400 --> 00:57:16.560
Your partner may not handle it the way

972
00:57:16.560 --> 00:57:19.120
that you hope that they will in that moment.

973
00:57:19.120 --> 00:57:23.000
But that doesn't mean that what they're feeling

974
00:57:23.000 --> 00:57:25.600
and processing isn't important and real.

975
00:57:26.760 --> 00:57:30.440
And Brian gave me the space to feel everything I felt

976
00:57:30.440 --> 00:57:31.680
in that moment.

977
00:57:31.680 --> 00:57:33.840
Because like he said, like this wasn't just,

978
00:57:33.840 --> 00:57:36.200
oh, we're just getting a new job.

979
00:57:36.200 --> 00:57:39.920
Like we were gonna have to pastor a whole new church.

980
00:57:39.920 --> 00:57:42.800
We were gonna have to live in a whole different home.

981
00:57:42.800 --> 00:57:45.360
And I mean, there were so many things in that moment

982
00:57:45.360 --> 00:57:47.200
that I was trying to process.

983
00:57:47.200 --> 00:57:51.240
And so, it's super important as you all are learning

984
00:57:51.240 --> 00:57:54.800
how to communicate, to honor one another.

985
00:57:54.800 --> 00:57:57.760
Again, putting yourself in that person's shoes,

986
00:57:57.760 --> 00:58:00.920
having empathy for what they're processing

987
00:58:00.920 --> 00:58:03.800
or thinking or feeling is, yeah,

988
00:58:03.800 --> 00:58:06.760
it's gonna be important for you.

989
00:58:07.560 --> 00:58:10.800
Remember also, like I kind of said to him even that night,

990
00:58:10.800 --> 00:58:12.560
you don't need to fix this.

991
00:58:12.560 --> 00:58:14.640
So don't try to fix people.

992
00:58:14.640 --> 00:58:15.960
Don't try to fix the situation.

993
00:58:15.960 --> 00:58:19.800
Just let God work in that and come back together.

994
00:58:19.800 --> 00:58:21.880
So we're gonna go ahead and shift to

995
00:58:24.080 --> 00:58:25.320
the part about communication,

996
00:58:25.320 --> 00:58:26.840
because I really wanna make sure we have time

997
00:58:26.840 --> 00:58:28.080
to talk about this.

998
00:58:28.080 --> 00:58:30.040
So let's go to page 12, you all.

999
00:58:32.160 --> 00:58:34.760
So put in the chat for me, like what did you all get?

1000
00:58:34.760 --> 00:58:37.720
Like what kind of communication style did you get?

1001
00:58:37.720 --> 00:58:38.840
So we already told you,

1002
00:58:38.840 --> 00:58:41.680
we got cooperating spouse and affirming spouse.

1003
00:58:41.680 --> 00:58:42.800
What did you all get?

1004
00:58:43.720 --> 00:58:45.160
Sorry, yeah.

1005
00:58:45.960 --> 00:58:50.960
Okay, I can see that, Brian,

1006
00:58:57.800 --> 00:58:59.880
just from the little bit that you've shared.

1007
00:58:59.880 --> 00:59:02.560
Oh, Megan pioneering, okay.

1008
00:59:02.560 --> 00:59:03.640
Might be the first pioneer.

1009
00:59:03.640 --> 00:59:05.840
Yeah, I think so.

1010
00:59:05.840 --> 00:59:07.400
That's good.

1011
00:59:07.400 --> 00:59:08.840
You're pioneering the pioneer.

1012
00:59:08.840 --> 00:59:10.040
You are, she is.

1013
00:59:10.040 --> 00:59:13.680
I do know that Megan is a pioneer in general.

1014
00:59:13.680 --> 00:59:16.600
Affirming, Bruce unwavering, Tim affirming,

1015
00:59:16.600 --> 00:59:19.640
Belinda's cooperating and unwavering is Eric.

1016
00:59:19.640 --> 00:59:24.080
Okay, so let's see, we just need Candice in there.

1017
00:59:24.080 --> 00:59:26.040
And then Joe and Beth, whenever,

1018
00:59:26.040 --> 00:59:27.800
I think I don't see yours yet.

1019
00:59:27.800 --> 00:59:29.480
I can't find the chat.

1020
00:59:29.480 --> 00:59:30.320
Oh, that's okay.

1021
00:59:30.320 --> 00:59:32.280
If you're on your, are you on your phone?

1022
00:59:32.280 --> 00:59:35.440
No, I've chatted before, but I don't see it at the bottom.

1023
00:59:35.440 --> 00:59:38.000
Sometimes it'll go under that more button, Beth.

1024
00:59:38.000 --> 00:59:39.240
I don't know why it does that.

1025
00:59:39.240 --> 00:59:40.080
Is it there?

1026
00:59:41.000 --> 00:59:41.840
Yes.

1027
00:59:41.840 --> 00:59:43.080
Okay, awesome.

1028
00:59:43.880 --> 00:59:47.600
So what do you, you know, when you guys read about

1029
00:59:47.600 --> 00:59:50.800
like your communication style, what do you all agree with?

1030
00:59:50.800 --> 00:59:53.480
Is there anything you don't agree with from your,

1031
00:59:54.720 --> 00:59:56.480
from the results that you received?

1032
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:03.000
Okay.

1033
01:00:03.000 --> 01:00:05.000
On a way of running.

1034
01:00:05.000 --> 01:00:19.000
One thing I would disagree with where it says that like you can't have like long conversations that you won't have things that kind of go on for a bit and like we have, we have a lot of conversations where we'll go really deep and like can do that.

1035
01:00:19.000 --> 01:00:28.000
I just agree where like I like like the direct part like up front as to like what direction is this going and then we can talk through all the details that like make make that up.

1036
01:00:28.000 --> 01:00:42.000
That's super insightful. So Brian, make sure you don't forget that because like she just wants to kind of like have you tell her, this is where we, I want to go in this conversation and then y'all can talk about all the details from there.

1037
01:00:42.000 --> 01:00:43.000
That's really good.

1038
01:00:43.000 --> 01:00:45.000
Thank you for sharing.

1039
01:00:45.000 --> 01:00:53.000
I think it's pretty interesting because a lot of times I'm when I'm processing so I'm trying to explain like my feelings are sometimes just kind of scattered.

1040
01:00:53.000 --> 01:01:03.000
And then, as I think as we're doing it, and then eventually has direction so sometimes I don't have like I don't know where it just have a lot of these feelings right process like this.

1041
01:01:03.000 --> 01:01:11.000
This is what I felt. Oh wait, there's something else is deeper I think that's going on. Oh, you know what yesterday I reflected more and I have more things to say about it.

1042
01:01:11.000 --> 01:01:24.000
So it really sometimes doesn't have a direction right away, but it gets there. Yeah, I think for me like the concern about not having up front is sometimes they go in a place where I was like, Oh wait, I thought that what happened there was positive.

1043
01:01:24.000 --> 01:01:33.000
And it goes to something where actually like that uncovered a deep wound or like hit something but I don't know until like far along in the conversation.

1044
01:01:33.000 --> 01:01:42.000
And sometimes it just makes me nervous because I like I just don't know, like, are we ending somewhere like, is it going somewhere positive or did I accidentally do something that was hurtful.

1045
01:01:42.000 --> 01:01:58.000
So do you struggle with feeling any conflict in any relationship not just with Brian. Yes. Okay, like I even when we first started dating I was I told him forever like I was like I'm so scared for the first time we have conflict like I grew up in an abusive

1046
01:01:58.000 --> 01:02:12.000
relationship like me like conflict is very negative connotation and it was like, I was months before we had our first like argument. And I did I took it very hard and in my head I was like it's over like we're breaking up now like.

1047
01:02:12.000 --> 01:02:24.000
And then for him like he was so confused by my reaction because like to me like conflict was like, Oh, you don't like something that I said or did so like now we must end the relationship.

1048
01:02:25.000 --> 01:02:40.000
What's interesting so I used to be very similar to Megan, and I feel like I've grown a lot even just being in relationship with Brian, in general, and had grown quite a bit before that but conflict is actually healthy you all.

1049
01:02:41.000 --> 01:02:51.000
Right. I mean the big toxic that that's not healthy, but like people are different and we're going to see things differently we're going to feel things differently.

1050
01:02:51.000 --> 01:03:03.000
And some days y'all we're just going to get annoyed with each other. But that doesn't mean that that person doesn't love you. It doesn't mean, you know, like poor Brian.

1051
01:03:04.000 --> 01:03:14.000
I don't know why y'all, but I'll start falling asleep on the couch but then all of a sudden I'll get all this energy like when we, like, go to bed.

1052
01:03:14.000 --> 01:03:20.000
And, you know, sometimes he's just not wanting all that energy at that point.

1053
01:03:20.000 --> 01:03:23.000
So, like we can laugh about it.

1054
01:03:24.000 --> 01:03:33.000
Well, I, she's just like, we're both kind of like you know falling asleep like okay go to bed and I'm still exhausted I just want to go to sleep and she's like, no, I can't help it.

1055
01:03:33.000 --> 01:03:45.000
I don't know how it happens more energized and she is more like she had five cups of coffee and I'm like, it's just like, it's overstimulating for me as I leave me alone.

1056
01:03:46.000 --> 01:04:04.000
But these are the little quirks I know these are such little things but I just want to give you all a true picture of like he could get really annoyed with that and be mean about it but like if he really says hey don't like I do like I'm not going to just keep bugging him for the most part.

1057
01:04:05.000 --> 01:04:16.000
But sometimes it is just funny like I like I was just laughing last night about something that he said and I just thought it was a racket. And he's like oh no here we go again.

1058
01:04:17.000 --> 01:04:19.000
Right.

1059
01:04:19.000 --> 01:04:34.000
But like respecting each other in that even those differences, but I brought that up because sometimes quirks that we have might annoy that person but that doesn't necessarily mean they don't love us.

1060
01:04:34.000 --> 01:04:37.000
Right. And so if we can maintain.

1061
01:04:37.000 --> 01:04:52.000
The more secure you get in your relationship with Christ, and who you are in God, that is absolutely going to have a direct result on you becoming more secure in a relationship, especially when it's a healthy relationship.

1062
01:04:52.000 --> 01:04:59.000
Okay, if it's a toxic relationship, that's a totally different story y'all. But when it's someone that's healthy.

1063
01:04:59.000 --> 01:05:00.000
You're going to have.

1064
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:06.660
based to what's coming to mind is like put roots down and become planted and grow and

1065
01:05:06.660 --> 01:05:09.880
flourish when y'all can trust each other.

1066
01:05:09.880 --> 01:05:16.440
And so even in the quirks and the little idiosyncrasies that we all have, we all have them.

1067
01:05:16.440 --> 01:05:18.420
I like to scare him.

1068
01:05:18.420 --> 01:05:19.420
That's another one.

1069
01:05:19.420 --> 01:05:23.240
It's not his favorite thing, but I think it's hilarious to jump out from behind the door

1070
01:05:23.240 --> 01:05:25.440
and scare him.

1071
01:05:25.440 --> 01:05:30.440
So he didn't know that until a while into we were dating because I wasn't going to let

1072
01:05:30.440 --> 01:05:31.440
that cat out of the bag.

1073
01:05:31.440 --> 01:05:32.440
That wasn't in the vows, y'all.

1074
01:05:32.440 --> 01:05:38.200
Well, you know, I didn't feel safe enough to really let that full part of myself show

1075
01:05:38.200 --> 01:05:43.480
until we were further into the relationship, you know, and so some of that will come out

1076
01:05:43.480 --> 01:05:46.320
and you'll start to see different things in yourself.

1077
01:05:46.320 --> 01:05:48.040
So what are you, what are y'all going to do?

1078
01:05:48.040 --> 01:05:52.640
Like when you're communicating, um, let's see, Megan, you were sharing your thing that

1079
01:05:52.640 --> 01:05:54.280
that stood out to you.

1080
01:05:54.280 --> 01:05:55.280
Anyone else?

1081
01:05:55.280 --> 01:05:58.480
I almost moved on, but does anyone else want to share something that stood out to you that

1082
01:05:58.480 --> 01:06:08.760
maybe you didn't fully resonate with or, Hey, I really resonated with this.

1083
01:06:08.760 --> 01:06:14.200
Mine paints me as being calm and more non-demonstrative.

1084
01:06:14.200 --> 01:06:16.000
And she's mentioned that several times.

1085
01:06:16.000 --> 01:06:17.000
Okay.

1086
01:06:17.000 --> 01:06:18.000
How are you feeling?

1087
01:06:18.000 --> 01:06:19.560
I'm going to have to make you some signs.

1088
01:06:19.560 --> 01:06:24.680
I mean, I had like, if it was his best day or his worst day, he would look exactly the

1089
01:06:24.680 --> 01:06:25.680
same.

1090
01:06:25.680 --> 01:06:27.200
I never know.

1091
01:06:27.200 --> 01:06:30.080
And I literally, I'm going to make just signs for him to hold.

1092
01:06:30.080 --> 01:06:32.120
I'm feeling happy today.

1093
01:06:32.120 --> 01:06:33.120
I'm feeling sad.

1094
01:06:33.120 --> 01:06:34.120
It looks the same.

1095
01:06:34.120 --> 01:06:36.960
I'm clapping on the inside, baby.

1096
01:06:36.960 --> 01:06:37.960
Yeah.

1097
01:06:37.960 --> 01:06:38.960
Yeah.

1098
01:06:38.960 --> 01:06:39.960
I think this is good.

1099
01:06:39.960 --> 01:06:43.440
I feel like you're a little bit like that when you, I mean, well, I don't know.

1100
01:06:43.440 --> 01:06:44.440
He's a jokester though.

1101
01:06:44.440 --> 01:06:46.000
So he does laugh a lot.

1102
01:06:46.000 --> 01:06:54.120
And so I typically know he's happy when that happens, but sometimes I think I do have to

1103
01:06:54.120 --> 01:06:57.040
kind of ask him, how do you feel about that?

1104
01:06:57.040 --> 01:07:03.520
I feel like I can remember doing that at times where I'm more of a, I'm an INFJ.

1105
01:07:03.520 --> 01:07:04.960
I feel all the time.

1106
01:07:04.960 --> 01:07:06.080
I feel all time.

1107
01:07:06.080 --> 01:07:07.720
I feel big things.

1108
01:07:07.720 --> 01:07:13.880
And so I don't have a problem talking about my feelings, but also understanding that,

1109
01:07:13.880 --> 01:07:20.760
you know, it doesn't make the other person wrong if they don't do that all the time.

1110
01:07:20.760 --> 01:07:21.760
Anyone else?

1111
01:07:21.760 --> 01:07:22.760
That was really good.

1112
01:07:22.760 --> 01:07:23.760
Nope.

1113
01:07:23.760 --> 01:07:24.760
We can move on.

1114
01:07:24.760 --> 01:07:25.760
All right.

1115
01:07:25.760 --> 01:07:26.760
All right.

1116
01:07:26.760 --> 01:07:31.040
So how do you like your partner to communicate with you?

1117
01:07:31.040 --> 01:07:32.040
This is super important.

1118
01:07:32.040 --> 01:07:38.880
You all in the aspect of, it's one thing to know how someone communicates.

1119
01:07:38.880 --> 01:07:45.520
It's another thing to tell them how, like, how they make you feel, Joe, this might be

1120
01:07:45.520 --> 01:07:50.400
one you have to really be intentional about, like, when you communicate with me this way,

1121
01:07:50.400 --> 01:07:52.080
this is how I feel.

1122
01:07:52.080 --> 01:07:57.040
Y'all make sure you're separating your feelings from what someone does.

1123
01:07:57.040 --> 01:08:02.000
So a lot of times people will say, they made me feel this way.

1124
01:08:02.000 --> 01:08:05.280
Well, people don't make us anything.

1125
01:08:05.280 --> 01:08:07.280
We feel.

1126
01:08:07.680 --> 01:08:09.040
Okay.

1127
01:08:09.040 --> 01:08:13.280
So I feel sad or I feel upset.

1128
01:08:13.280 --> 01:08:20.240
Now they may have done something that I didn't like, which caused an emotion, but they don't

1129
01:08:20.240 --> 01:08:21.240
make me.

1130
01:08:21.240 --> 01:08:25.200
Do you understand kind of the line I'm drawing there?

1131
01:08:25.200 --> 01:08:29.680
And it's really important because that those kinds of statements can lead into the always,

1132
01:08:29.680 --> 01:08:33.200
you always do this, or you never do this.

1133
01:08:33.200 --> 01:08:39.680
If we believe that people can make us have the emotion we're having, we are literally

1134
01:08:39.680 --> 01:08:44.160
letting go of our, our responsibility to own our feelings.

1135
01:08:44.160 --> 01:08:45.160
Okay.

1136
01:08:45.160 --> 01:08:47.439
Super important.

1137
01:08:47.439 --> 01:08:49.920
So how would you like your partner to communicate with you?

1138
01:08:49.920 --> 01:08:59.040
I want you all to select two that resonate with you the most and explain why those are

1139
01:08:59.040 --> 01:09:00.040
important to you.

1140
01:09:00.040 --> 01:09:04.439
I would love for each person to share the two that resonate with you the most and why

1141
01:09:04.439 --> 01:09:08.120
those are important for you.

1142
01:09:08.120 --> 01:09:15.840
I'll go for me, the top, well, two of that resonate is take time to explain things thoroughly.

1143
01:09:15.840 --> 01:09:20.319
And that's because I usually have a lot of questions and I want to know all the details

1144
01:09:20.319 --> 01:09:23.080
in, in the facts and so forth.

1145
01:09:23.080 --> 01:09:27.800
I don't like the surface level stuff and then use a sincere tone with me because in the

1146
01:09:27.800 --> 01:09:33.520
past, you know, I've either been spoken to passive aggressively or maybe aggressive aggressively.

1147
01:09:33.520 --> 01:09:38.520
So to show sincerity in the tone helps me receive what you have to say.

1148
01:09:38.520 --> 01:09:39.520
That's really good.

1149
01:09:39.520 --> 01:09:40.520
I love it.

1150
01:09:40.520 --> 01:09:44.800
Belinda is super insightful.

1151
01:09:44.800 --> 01:09:52.160
So for me, I would pick slow down if I'm not understanding and hand in hand with that is

1152
01:09:52.160 --> 01:09:59.920
allow time for me to ask questions as a analytical person.

1153
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:09.280
um one of the things that's easy for me to do is um hear what she's saying in the words and

1154
01:10:10.560 --> 01:10:17.520
and just sort of process that and what I try and get better at is reading deeper into just

1155
01:10:17.520 --> 01:10:24.640
what she's saying and if say the words and the tone or the body language don't match

1156
01:10:25.600 --> 01:10:31.040
um and I and I it makes sort of me uncomfortable that I'm not understanding what's going on

1157
01:10:32.000 --> 01:10:38.560
that I want to have the opportunity to you know ask further questions and and sort of go back and

1158
01:10:38.560 --> 01:10:45.120
can you say that a different way so that I'm understanding what she's saying not just hearing

1159
01:10:45.120 --> 01:10:51.440
the words that she's saying yes that's actually in my notes like the point you just made so we're

1160
01:10:51.440 --> 01:10:56.560
not just listening to what someone's saying we're also trying to understand the content and the

1161
01:10:56.560 --> 01:11:01.120
emotions behind what they're saying like the feeling and the emotion that's connected to

1162
01:11:01.120 --> 01:11:08.800
what's being communicated super important really good that's good who else oh yep Candice and Tim

1163
01:11:10.240 --> 01:11:19.360
yeah so my top two were um be aware of possible distractions um Tim is a GM of a hotel

1164
01:11:20.320 --> 01:11:27.600
and so even when he's off work he's not kind of off work and so that's something that we've been

1165
01:11:29.680 --> 01:11:35.520
oh we just lost him they'll come back um go ahead somebody else can go while we're waiting

1166
01:11:35.520 --> 01:11:43.840
for them to come back I'll go uh next uh the two that resonated with me was respect my quiet

1167
01:11:43.840 --> 01:11:50.800
demeanor so again someone who is an analyzer sometimes it takes me time to reflect understand

1168
01:11:50.800 --> 01:11:56.800
and process I'm not really sometimes it's could be a little slow to figure things out

1169
01:11:58.480 --> 01:12:04.160
or process or like emotions or to you know just pros and cons and which is my next one

1170
01:12:04.160 --> 01:12:09.920
so the pros and cons uh which is actually we've done before about you know whether or not we

1171
01:12:09.920 --> 01:12:14.480
should do this or not and sometimes we just hey let's put it on paper and it sometimes can help

1172
01:12:14.480 --> 01:12:20.960
us process things and whether or not that's a good idea or not it's really good it's good

1173
01:12:22.080 --> 01:12:28.480
Megan how about you um my first one we already talked about which is like the bottom line up

1174
01:12:28.480 --> 01:12:34.640
front um so you get into the bottom line quickly and then the second one was ask me specific

1175
01:12:34.640 --> 01:12:41.440
questions um like he's very good at like like sometimes he can figure out my needs like before

1176
01:12:41.440 --> 01:12:46.160
I even figured them out but I'll just ask questions it's something I'm like oh wait that is what I need

1177
01:12:46.160 --> 01:12:52.160
right now that's good all right see this is really good because y'all are starting to learn too I've

1178
01:12:52.160 --> 01:12:57.440
heard it in every couple that shared so far y'all are learning things about the way you communicate

1179
01:12:57.440 --> 01:13:03.760
and how to even recognize what the other person is needing these are very very positive things

1180
01:13:03.760 --> 01:13:10.560
that I'm hearing tonight so good I can't tell if Candace and Tim are fully are y'all can you hear us

1181
01:13:12.080 --> 01:13:17.440
yes we're back sorry laptop died that's okay that's okay we appreciate

1182
01:13:20.640 --> 01:13:26.320
so I was saying that like Tim is a GM and so even when he's off work he's not off work yeah

1183
01:13:28.800 --> 01:13:32.240
calling him a text I'm like okay we're gonna have to figure out

1184
01:13:32.240 --> 01:13:38.880
and I'm like quality time is my thing like that's my top thing so it's an issue where it's like hey

1185
01:13:38.880 --> 01:13:43.520
are we hanging out or are you working and I mean the first time I gave him that feedback he's been

1186
01:13:43.520 --> 01:13:48.000
doing a lot better and all of that like but it's something that we've had to work through okay how

1187
01:13:48.000 --> 01:13:53.760
are we going to create better boundaries with your work so it's not everywhere that we are what can

1188
01:13:53.760 --> 01:13:58.240
you actually do what's realistic and just me too sometimes being understanding like okay what's

1189
01:13:58.640 --> 01:14:04.640
what's a realistic expectation versus because I'm not saying lose your job but I'm saying

1190
01:14:04.640 --> 01:14:10.880
well don't lose me so you know it's that kind of thing where we're working on how we have that

1191
01:14:10.880 --> 01:14:16.560
quality time being honored but also being like okay what are the boundaries you need with your

1192
01:14:16.560 --> 01:14:22.400
job that will make this work and where do I need to be maybe a little more understanding so I can

1193
01:14:22.400 --> 01:14:28.880
you know be more yeah yeah just be understanding and just managing schedule and in general as well

1194
01:14:28.880 --> 01:14:35.200
I mean I'm doing that I'm also in school full-time I got a lot on my plate yes yeah

1195
01:14:36.880 --> 01:14:44.400
yeah it's super important you know I even think we've had this conversation because I mean I think

1196
01:14:44.400 --> 01:14:49.440
most of the ladies know I mean we we have stuff going on in the community all the time and I do

1197
01:14:49.440 --> 01:14:54.560
stuff in pretty much every one of the phases of our community responding to people answering and

1198
01:14:54.560 --> 01:14:59.920
so we are kind of in a different season right now where I am more

1199
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:03.220
working on trying to just put my phone aside and unplug at

1200
01:15:03.220 --> 01:15:07.680
different times. So like we went on a trip for our anniversary

1201
01:15:07.680 --> 01:15:11.740
and my birthday recently, and just really tried not to be on

1202
01:15:11.740 --> 01:15:15.380
my phone, like much at all, but did say, Okay, when we're

1203
01:15:15.380 --> 01:15:18.900
driving, I'm going to respond to people, you know, so just trying

1204
01:15:18.900 --> 01:15:22.980
to even communicate that stuff to each other. I feel like I

1205
01:15:22.980 --> 01:15:25.220
don't know, you can speak for that. Do you feel like that

1206
01:15:25.220 --> 01:15:31.180
helps you to feel like really good? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

1207
01:15:31.340 --> 01:15:35.740
different potential. So, yeah. So that can be really helpful.

1208
01:15:35.820 --> 01:15:38.740
Yeah, yeah, that can be really helpful in the communication

1209
01:15:38.740 --> 01:15:41.900
aspect of time and being intentional with each other.

1210
01:15:42.340 --> 01:15:46.900
Good. Thank you all for sharing off times, off times and on

1211
01:15:46.900 --> 01:15:49.660
times. Right, right. Yeah.

1212
01:15:50.220 --> 01:15:53.940
So good. Okay, let's see here. I think we have Beth and Joe,

1213
01:15:53.980 --> 01:15:55.740
what did what did you all have?

1214
01:15:57.820 --> 01:16:02.700
Um, one of mine is converse rather than confront. I think

1215
01:16:04.700 --> 01:16:10.140
when you come, some people are very energetic about their ideas

1216
01:16:10.140 --> 01:16:13.940
will come like, okay, convince me why not instead of Hey, this

1217
01:16:13.940 --> 01:16:18.700
is an idea. Let's discuss this. Or if it's negative, let's

1218
01:16:18.820 --> 01:16:21.460
if it's negative, then it's like all sudden you're on the

1219
01:16:21.460 --> 01:16:26.780
defensive instead of having a discussion. So yeah, the other

1220
01:16:26.780 --> 01:16:30.220
one is similar, similar, take time to reach an agreement. But

1221
01:16:30.220 --> 01:16:36.780
it doesn't have to be a lose win. I like a win win. Yeah, it

1222
01:16:36.780 --> 01:16:37.300
always happened.

1223
01:16:38.060 --> 01:16:42.140
I want to know if you all see an idea differently. One of the

1224
01:16:42.140 --> 01:16:45.580
things I would say even just hearing that just make sure that

1225
01:16:45.580 --> 01:16:50.180
you talk through how each one of you will feel honored in the

1226
01:16:50.180 --> 01:16:55.740
process of talking about ideas. Does that make sense? So Joe

1227
01:16:55.740 --> 01:16:59.020
needs to feel honored in like the approach may be being

1228
01:16:59.020 --> 01:17:02.860
different. I feel like that's what I'm hearing. And maybe the

1229
01:17:02.860 --> 01:17:08.740
other person would feel honored and knowing like, okay,

1230
01:17:08.740 --> 01:17:12.220
sometimes I need to feel like just come in and feel like, you

1231
01:17:12.220 --> 01:17:15.980
know, explosive or happy or excited about this, and feel

1232
01:17:15.980 --> 01:17:19.100
like that's okay, too. So that makes sense where you guys are

1233
01:17:19.100 --> 01:17:22.820
both honoring each other at different times, and shifting,

1234
01:17:23.300 --> 01:17:26.220
not to change not to like change the other person, but just

1235
01:17:26.260 --> 01:17:30.900
honoring each other and the way you approach ideas. Do you want

1236
01:17:30.900 --> 01:17:33.980
to share on that? The idea generation thing?

1237
01:17:34.580 --> 01:17:40.020
Yeah. I'm a big guy. Come back. I'm a big idea person. Actually,

1238
01:17:40.020 --> 01:17:43.740
Bethany are both kind of visionary big idea people, but

1239
01:17:43.740 --> 01:17:47.460
we approach it differently. She's also very detailed. I'm

1240
01:17:47.460 --> 01:17:53.500
not I'm kind of the the idea in the sky, just throw it out

1241
01:17:53.500 --> 01:17:57.220
there. So one thing I have learned is that I'm also a

1242
01:17:57.220 --> 01:18:00.700
verbal processor. So I'll come up with a night and I'll just

1243
01:18:00.700 --> 01:18:04.020
start talking, oh, hey, and I'll just get into the full blown

1244
01:18:04.020 --> 01:18:07.700
conversation. She'll be like, wait, I don't have the capacity

1245
01:18:07.700 --> 01:18:11.300
to think about this right now. So I have learned to like, hey,

1246
01:18:11.420 --> 01:18:15.140
I have an idea that I would like to share. Let me know when you

1247
01:18:15.140 --> 01:18:20.340
have a time slot a couple hours. I want to share about this.

1248
01:18:20.380 --> 01:18:25.140
Yeah. And so that helps her to process kind of get ready. And

1249
01:18:25.140 --> 01:18:27.940
then I bring my ideas. Otherwise, I just kind of like

1250
01:18:28.620 --> 01:18:32.060
vomit ideas all over the place. And yeah, it can be like

1251
01:18:32.060 --> 01:18:35.820
overwhelming for her. So we've kind of learned how to

1252
01:18:35.820 --> 01:18:40.740
communicate that. So sometimes it is challenging for me to hold

1253
01:18:40.740 --> 01:18:44.940
back. I'll be like, even today. I was like, okay, let's just I

1254
01:18:44.940 --> 01:18:47.620
just want to give you the general so we can talk about

1255
01:18:47.620 --> 01:18:51.580
later. And then I just got into it too much. And so I said, I

1256
01:18:51.580 --> 01:18:54.740
said, because he said, we'll just two minutes, two minutes.

1257
01:18:55.020 --> 01:18:58.900
And so like, you know, we were a little ways in and I said, 10

1258
01:18:58.900 --> 01:19:01.860
minutes, I said, we're approaching like, 10 minutes

1259
01:19:01.860 --> 01:19:04.940
now. So we probably need to circle back to this

1260
01:19:04.940 --> 01:19:08.300
conversation later. You know, but like, we say it with

1261
01:19:08.300 --> 01:19:10.820
kindness and love, like, I'm not, you know, I wasn't being a

1262
01:19:10.820 --> 01:19:15.260
jerk to him or whatever. Um, but I, I had him share that

1263
01:19:15.260 --> 01:19:19.780
example. Because even early on when we were dating, um, you

1264
01:19:19.780 --> 01:19:22.900
know, he, again, we both get excited about our ideas and our

1265
01:19:22.900 --> 01:19:28.260
visions. But like, he definitely like, he was sending me these

1266
01:19:28.260 --> 01:19:31.420
voice memos with all of these ideas, like first thing in the

1267
01:19:31.420 --> 01:19:36.100
morning, like, bam, like first thing. And I would just be like,

1268
01:19:36.140 --> 01:19:40.260
oh, like I would be on overload, because I haven't even like had

1269
01:19:40.260 --> 01:19:44.300
my devotion time yet fully, or maybe I had just started my work

1270
01:19:44.300 --> 01:19:47.700
day. And I was like, Whoa, like, I don't know what to do with

1271
01:19:47.700 --> 01:19:50.420
this when I'm supposed to be focused on work right now. You

1272
01:19:50.420 --> 01:19:53.980
know, so but he wasn't trying to be disrespectful or anything.

1273
01:19:53.980 --> 01:19:57.220
He just, he just had all these ideas, and he was so excited to

1274
01:19:57.220 --> 01:20:00.060
release them and share them. And so

1275
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:09.040
Oh, one of the boundaries, one of the boundaries I set was record these and send them to me

1276
01:20:09.040 --> 01:20:13.840
at this time or like, and you know, it wasn't because it wasn't that I didn't want to hear

1277
01:20:13.840 --> 01:20:21.800
those things, but it also is okay for me to express like, it would be better for me to

1278
01:20:21.800 --> 01:20:28.880
hear those kind of big visions and ideas at this time when I like when I can process it

1279
01:20:28.880 --> 01:20:33.720
more, I can pay attention to it, you know, so that I don't get distracted from work or

1280
01:20:33.720 --> 01:20:34.720
whatever that is.

1281
01:20:34.720 --> 01:20:39.960
And while I share a lot of ideas, I don't plan to act on all of them.

1282
01:20:39.960 --> 01:20:43.640
I remember when we first started, and I'm an executor, like, okay, let's go and I'm

1283
01:20:43.640 --> 01:20:44.640
like, Oh, no, I don't want to do that.

1284
01:20:44.640 --> 01:20:49.920
It's like, I just want to talk about it and get the idea out there, maybe one of those.

1285
01:20:49.920 --> 01:20:53.680
So we had I had to learn to say, Okay, so these are just ideas.

1286
01:20:53.680 --> 01:20:56.120
I don't want to really do this right now.

1287
01:20:56.120 --> 01:20:57.660
But let me just get this out.

1288
01:20:57.660 --> 01:21:03.380
So we kind of have to kind of learn how to recommunicate because other people receive

1289
01:21:03.380 --> 01:21:04.460
things differently.

1290
01:21:04.460 --> 01:21:09.660
So we've got to learn that language, I can still be myself, yeah, some relationships,

1291
01:21:09.660 --> 01:21:12.380
you know, I've had to shut that down.

1292
01:21:12.380 --> 01:21:16.140
Because unless it was executed, they didn't even want to hear it.

1293
01:21:16.140 --> 01:21:20.940
So she honors me by allowing me to share that because I just have to kind of get those ideas

1294
01:21:20.940 --> 01:21:21.940
out.

1295
01:21:21.940 --> 01:21:26.860
But I'm learning to kind of communicate it and reframe it in a way that honors her and

1296
01:21:27.060 --> 01:21:28.620
how she receives it.

1297
01:21:28.620 --> 01:21:33.580
So a lot of this what you're learning in Symbus is still, you're learning to be yourself.

1298
01:21:33.580 --> 01:21:34.580
Yeah.

1299
01:21:34.580 --> 01:21:40.180
But you're respecting your partner by communicating the way that they can receive it, too.

1300
01:21:40.180 --> 01:21:41.180
Right.

1301
01:21:41.180 --> 01:21:42.180
So it honors both of you.

1302
01:21:42.180 --> 01:21:45.540
That's one of the, I think, the great things about this program.

1303
01:21:45.540 --> 01:21:46.540
So yeah.

1304
01:21:46.540 --> 01:21:47.540
Yeah.

1305
01:21:47.540 --> 01:21:52.860
So, um, Beth, I think you had to be explaining something.

1306
01:21:53.860 --> 01:21:56.500
And you know, I'm also, I'm an extroverted thinker.

1307
01:21:56.500 --> 01:21:58.020
So I'm working it out.

1308
01:21:58.020 --> 01:21:59.020
Yeah.

1309
01:21:59.020 --> 01:22:04.820
Or, you know, it's something and so you have to, it's almost like you have to do it out

1310
01:22:04.820 --> 01:22:05.820
loud.

1311
01:22:05.820 --> 01:22:06.820
Right.

1312
01:22:06.820 --> 01:22:07.820
Out there.

1313
01:22:07.820 --> 01:22:12.060
And if they're not ready for it, it's tough.

1314
01:22:12.060 --> 01:22:16.780
Sometimes I'll just I'll stop and say, probably more than you want to hear right now.

1315
01:22:16.780 --> 01:22:17.780
Yeah.

1316
01:22:17.780 --> 01:22:28.020
So, and I try and give the wrap up, you know, just give the quick, short, long story short,

1317
01:22:28.020 --> 01:22:31.660
when I can tell she's getting a little cross eyed.

1318
01:22:31.660 --> 01:22:32.660
So

1319
01:22:32.660 --> 01:22:33.660
Yes.

1320
01:22:33.660 --> 01:22:39.580
So again, these are these are little things that we're sharing, but these can be really

1321
01:22:39.580 --> 01:22:40.580
helpful.

1322
01:22:41.580 --> 01:22:50.900
I will even say, okay, like, which of those ideas are you wanting to, like, do stuff with?

1323
01:22:50.900 --> 01:22:53.380
Because sincerely, you all I'm an executor.

1324
01:22:53.380 --> 01:22:58.380
So if people tell me I want to go do this, it like even I have to do this with Jackie

1325
01:22:58.380 --> 01:22:59.380
Dorman.

1326
01:22:59.380 --> 01:23:02.260
Like, I'm ready to go like, I'm gonna go get that done.

1327
01:23:02.260 --> 01:23:04.780
If that's what you want done, I'll go do it.

1328
01:23:04.780 --> 01:23:10.100
And so even in my work, like I'm learning that a lot about myself.

1329
01:23:10.620 --> 01:23:18.260
And so knowing that more about myself, as well as who Brian is, or my boss or whoever,

1330
01:23:18.260 --> 01:23:24.420
it's important for me to like, clarify, okay, like, those were amazing ideas.

1331
01:23:24.420 --> 01:23:26.700
Do you want my do you want my input on that?

1332
01:23:26.700 --> 01:23:28.700
Are you just wanting me to listen?

1333
01:23:28.700 --> 01:23:33.180
Do you want me to help work on any of these with you?

1334
01:23:33.180 --> 01:23:37.260
You know, like, we're all just kind of clarifying.

1335
01:23:37.420 --> 01:23:43.860
And, you know, sometimes even before he unleashes now, the idea is I will say, okay, just so

1336
01:23:43.860 --> 01:23:49.780
that I know, even like with Trisha, do you want me to tell you what I think about what

1337
01:23:49.780 --> 01:23:50.780
you're about to share?

1338
01:23:50.780 --> 01:23:53.780
Or do you want me just to listen?

1339
01:23:53.780 --> 01:23:55.860
And that's been helpful, too.

1340
01:23:55.860 --> 01:23:56.860
Yeah.

1341
01:23:56.860 --> 01:24:01.380
Bethany, can you say how can you say that again?

1342
01:24:01.380 --> 01:24:02.380
That was really good.

1343
01:24:02.380 --> 01:24:03.380
Yeah.

1344
01:24:03.380 --> 01:24:04.380
Yeah.

1345
01:24:04.380 --> 01:24:05.380
Um, let's see.

1346
01:24:05.380 --> 01:24:06.380
How did I say it?

1347
01:24:06.500 --> 01:24:17.860
How can I say, um, do you want me to just listen to what you're about to share?

1348
01:24:17.860 --> 01:24:24.020
Or are you wanting me to give like feedback or input, you know, kind of like my response

1349
01:24:24.020 --> 01:24:25.020
to it?

1350
01:24:25.020 --> 01:24:30.500
Because a lot of times, like even with Brian, sometimes I just want him to listen, I don't

1351
01:24:30.500 --> 01:24:32.180
need him to fix anything.

1352
01:24:32.180 --> 01:24:36.260
And guys are fixers, ladies, guys tend to be fixers.

1353
01:24:37.140 --> 01:24:39.340
So if we tell them there's a problem, they want to help us.

1354
01:24:39.340 --> 01:24:41.380
That's the chivalrous side of them.

1355
01:24:41.380 --> 01:24:48.900
And so I have had to learn also to tell Brian totally different from the idea ideation stuff.

1356
01:24:48.900 --> 01:24:53.540
But like, hey, I'm going to tell you this situation.

1357
01:24:53.540 --> 01:24:54.820
I don't need you to fix it.

1358
01:24:54.820 --> 01:24:56.140
I just need you to listen.

1359
01:24:56.140 --> 01:24:59.900
I need you to I need to feel your support or like I this.

1360
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:05.440
where communication is is going to really help you all like communicating what your need is

1361
01:25:06.000 --> 01:25:13.200
in advance and understand that if we don't and they try to help fix it it's okay for us to say

1362
01:25:13.200 --> 01:25:18.160
hey like i don't i don't need you to fix that i love you for trying but i don't need you to

1363
01:25:18.160 --> 01:25:23.680
fix that for me and i'll tell you what guys we have some pretty good problem solvers too

1364
01:25:24.400 --> 01:25:30.400
it's like i know how to fix that just give me a shot but i have to i have to hold it back and

1365
01:25:30.400 --> 01:25:38.480
sometimes i don't i was like here's what you should do but yeah it's hard yeah so joe great

1366
01:25:38.480 --> 01:25:43.200
great conversation there and some things you added beth i want to make sure you have space

1367
01:25:43.200 --> 01:25:49.440
to share on yours if you have them okay my two were the first one was discuss dreams and goals

1368
01:25:49.440 --> 01:25:56.800
with me um when we are able to talk about our dreams and goals and when joe initiates that

1369
01:25:56.800 --> 01:26:04.240
conversation it makes me feel taken care of um which is a big thing for me i've never been married

1370
01:26:04.240 --> 01:26:11.120
and we're older i mean we're in our i'm i just turned 57 so it's just a it's just a comfort

1371
01:26:11.120 --> 01:26:17.360
when he digs and wants to understand that because it makes me feel like okay this guy's got me

1372
01:26:17.360 --> 01:26:23.200
so that was a big one for me and then being fun loving and humorous i can be really intense and

1373
01:26:23.200 --> 01:26:29.040
focused and just like on task and like you bethany like i'm an executor and so i'm you know always

1374
01:26:29.040 --> 01:26:36.160
on to the next thing and you know when he's just he likes to just maybe like body slam me out of

1375
01:26:36.160 --> 01:26:44.960
nowhere i mean and it just shakes me out of my ridiculous focus serious world and it's helpful

1376
01:26:44.960 --> 01:26:49.520
you know it kind of just kind of takes the edge off and so that's good when he can be fun loving

1377
01:26:49.520 --> 01:26:55.760
and humorous with me that's so good y'all this has been really good i think we probably will

1378
01:26:55.760 --> 01:27:02.880
we'll touch base on sheet 13 next week i feel like we had some amazing conversation um the holy

1379
01:27:02.880 --> 01:27:08.800
spirit was leading this that's what we always ask for so next week we'll go ahead and cover that 13

1380
01:27:08.800 --> 01:27:13.680
your actual homework in addition to that hopefully y'all have already talked about 13

1381
01:27:13.680 --> 01:27:19.840
um will be pages 14 and 15 the blue starred questions and then i'm also going to put up in

1382
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the group a self-preservation technique um or mechanism they're called techniques there are

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several sheets that list out different um self-preservation things that we tend to do

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um when you all are looking at these sheets what i want you to be in prayer about not just don't

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just look at this sheet and mark them off i really want you to intentionally ask the lord

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to give you insight because sometimes we are doing self-preservation things that we don't even realize

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we're doing okay so pray about it ask the lord to highlight them to you what are the ones that you

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tend to to do talk about those with each other it's going to be important because even like that

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scenario that you know we shared with you when brian got reappointed one of my self-preservation

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techniques is to shut down and like kind of push people out and so i have to learn how to honor

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that in myself but also honor him and not stay hidden so for example that night i said i need

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space right now but in a little bit let's come back together so i didn't stay isolated does that

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make sense okay so and then we'll share about those that'll be your ice breaker next week

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we're praying for you all again this has been just a pleasure i really we always do an hour

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and a half i hope i didn't keep you all too long i literally have no idea how long

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jackie has been keeping you all so if we kept you a little longer i apologize but next week we will

1397
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do an hour and a half i i like the time because i feel like you guys it gives you time to ask

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questions or have more feedback or us to have conversations like this um i think that is

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everything um do you mind praying us out as well yeah okay awesome holy father i thank you for

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the way you have wired us um that you have given us each unique personalities and made us each

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individuals lord help us to have insight holy spirit open our hearts our minds how we can be

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the people that you have created us to be in a relationship with our partner that we honor who

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you created us to be but we also honor this person next to us that you have created also

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so that when we come together we can be something amazing this past this next week i pray that you

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would be with all those here that you would be in their conversations that it would be fruitful

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and they would come to know each other in deeper ways and help them to discover who you have

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created their partner to be this week until we meet again next week lord

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You will always be with us. You never depart. So we thank you for that Lord in Jesus name we pray. Amen. Amen. As we close one of the things I just want to leave you all with as a last thought is on marriage this time around for me has been the best thing of my life.

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The last marriage I had I both of us have gone through divorce was very very hard very like life sucking.

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We have more fun and laugh and we travel together and we just even even in the hard moments like he's my best friend and he's my teammate.

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And I just want to encourage you all no matter what society says about marriage you know society is not right. And even if your prior experience wasn't good.

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God is amazing at redeeming things as we give him our hearts and heal and trust him and surrender.

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And man he just can make so much some something so much better than you can even ask think or imagine like sincerely I'm not just saying this because we're on screen and start anniversary.

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But like genuinely Brian is so much more than what I even asked for. And I'm just super grateful and I want to encourage you all that that can be the same for you.

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Okay. All right. We'll see you all next week. Have a good night. Bye everyone.

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Adios.