All right, so Bethany is on a much-needed vacation, so we're excited for her to be able
to go and have some time with her husband.
You know, you guys, they're newlyweds in a lot of ways.
They've only been married for a couple years.
As you know, she is a success story from this movement, and when she came in, she was just
like y'all.
And now she is off on a cruise with her husband, right?
She married a pastor.
I know a lot of people aren't praying to marry a pastor.
I don't think that she was either, but she is a pastor.
You know, she has a pastoring gift.
She has a shepherding gift, and so it makes sense that two pastors would end up together.
I've always hated the term pastor's wife because it's like, eh.
If you're not really a shepherding heart, then you shouldn't marry someone who is a
shepherd.
You know, it doesn't matter if they're a shepherd of their business or of a church.
If that is what they do, if they shepherd people and you don't really care that much
for people, you're like the kind of person who can kind of take or leave people as far
as an intimacy and vulnerability, then you probably shouldn't marry someone who does
that as their vocation because it will probably be really uncomfortable for you.
So that's just a little two cents there.
So she's off doing that, and so here I am.
I am the OG heartwork.
I actually created the heartwork, so if you're new to me, welcome to me.
You should have seen my face on all the videos that you're watching right now.
I created this program almost 10 years ago, but I have been helping people do the heartwork
for 28 years.
For 28 years, but I created an actual systematic proprietary protocol called the heartwork
almost 10 years ago.
This coming year, it's going to be 10 years.
Mind-blowing how time flies, right?
And so I would love to see what week you are in of the heartwork of phase one of last
year's singles.
So go ahead and put that in the chat.
Tell me what week you're in.
One, two, three, four, five.
We're going to have some fun today together.
Ooh, a lot of week ones just starting off.
Amy and Laura, welcome to supernatural surrender.
Maria is in the real Maria.
The real Maria is coming to the surface in week five of becoming the real you.
So that's exciting.
Carly is knee deep in forgiveness templates in week four.
That's a hard week, you guys.
Make sure you are taking ample time for that.
Laura, another week one.
Oh, well, actually, that's still Laura.
Phase two, but I get a ton out of these Zooms.
Oh, so you've been kind of double dipping.
Kylie's been back.
She's over in the love story accelerator phase, the dating phase, which is phase two, but
she loves these heartwork calls.
So she's back here.
Pamela is also in her forgiveness week.
Mingling is also in phase two, but she's also coming back to make sure that she is up to
date on her heartwork.
I love that.
Ladies, that's great.
And of course, you always have the option to come to any of the live calls.
Any live calls that you have the prerequisite for, meaning that you can't go to phase two
live calls until you are in phase two, but once you get to phase three, there isn't anything
that can stop you from going to phase two and phase one live calls if you wanted to.
Although we have a whole beautiful calendar of things that are only for phase three.
Things like path sessions.
We have one tomorrow night about prophetic processing.
How do you take a word that you believe that God has spoken to you?
How do you walk that out practically?
What does that look like?
Supernaturally, what does that look like?
How do you do that?
So we are going to have a prophetic processing class tomorrow.
And so those are the kinds of things that you can look forward to in phase three.
Also other things like dating, coaching, love seats, all different types of things.
Ask Jackie is in phase two and three.
So all different types of fun things happen in those other community phases as well.
All right.
So I do have a little bit of housekeeping that I'm supposed to go over with you guys.
So welcome to all the new ladies that are in supernatural surrender.
Do not mail that weekend.
What you do during that week is going to set you up for everything that happens from that
point forward.
So often we think that God is holding out on us, that he just doesn't love us, doesn't
care about us.
But we don't realize that God cannot circumvent your free will.
I remember when I learned that I was not a new Christian.
I met Jesus in my twenties.
I wasn't a new Christian when I learned that, but I wasn't too far along in my discipleship.
I probably was about six, seven years in, and I was very frustrated because all the
things that I was hearing in church, all the things I was reading in the Bible, all the
things I was getting from any kind of classes or workshops I was going to, they weren't
happening in my own life.
It wasn't being activated in my own life and I didn't realize that you cannot have God's
will while simultaneously having your own.
Those two things are mutually exclusive.
Now sometimes they are cohesive.
Sometimes they're the same.
Sometimes they are the same but not always are they the same and so surrendering the
pen to God is what you do in the first week of heart work and it is what you're going
to continue to do for the rest of your life.
In fact I will tell you, here's a little pro tip, when an area of my life really is not
going smoothly, it's usually because I'm authoring that chapter.
Now does that mean if we surrender the pen to God that things are going to become easy?
I never used the word easy.
In fact I don't ever use the word easy except in the quote that I say, you don't need easy,
you just need worth it.
And the reason why I don't say easy is because there's no such thing as easy in this world
that we live in.
There's no such thing as easy.
It's not going to be easy.
It's going to be a challenge.
It's going to stretch you.
It's supposed to.
And so surrendering the pen and you guys, if you want to have a tangible activation,
I really like tangible activations.
That's why the Jesus Cares Board exists.
How many of you did a Jesus Cares Board?
For those of you that are in week one, you should be learning about that soon.
Raise your hand if you did a Jesus Cares Board.
So my Jesus Cares Board was born out of me being a control freak and me constantly being
overwhelmed with fear and worry.
Because how many of you know that there are a bazillion things that happen even every
day that you absolutely cannot control?
You can't.
I've tried.
I tried to control myself and everybody else around me.
I've tried to control what comes in and what goes out.
I've tried to control what happens, what doesn't happen.
You know, and I found myself with a big fat anxiety disorder, panic disorder.
I probably had 20 or more panic attacks a day.
And they were all stemming from a very tumultuous, abusive childhood where I always felt out
of control and always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always sleeping with one eye
open, wondering what was going to happen next.
And so when I became old enough to make my own decisions and not have to answer to abusive
people around me who didn't have my best interest at heart, and by the way, that age was 16
because I went to live in a girl's home at 14, and by 16 I was couch surfing and emancipated
pretty much out of foster care type situations.
By 17, I lived with my boyfriend in a whole nother state than the one that I had been
raised in.
And so I was in control, right?
But not.
And so I was overcome with worry and with dread all the time because deep down inside,
even before I knew Jesus, I knew that even though I was trying to make sure that nothing
bad ever got all the way to me, that having a life of hypervigilance, trying to keep myself
safe was exhausting.
And so one day, I would love to tell you that it was early in my discipleship, but it wasn't.
I had already been a Christian, a Christ follower for over 10 years.
One day I was facing some things that were just not allowing me to sleep, not allowing
me to eat, that I was continuously just in so much fear about.
And while everyone else was sleeping and I wasn't, God just spoke to me and he said,
what are you doing?
I thought you belonged to me.
Don't you belong to me?
Well, yeah, God, I do.
I belong to you.
Guys, I was in ministry.
I've been in ministry for 28 years.
I was a leader in the Christian faith.
And because of giftings, that's important for you to recognize.
There's a lot of leaders that have no business being leaders, but because they're very gifted
spiritually, they become leaders.
Because what Christianity does is it takes its most gifted people and it puts it on platforms,
even though there isn't the character integrity to back that up.
There isn't the history with God to back that up yet.
And I didn't have enough history with God.
I didn't have enough heart work or healing.
I didn't even know what the heart work was yet.
In fact, this is how the heart work was born.
Okay, Jackie, so if you belong to me, then who does this issue belong to?
Because once again, you guys, this was a very tormenting, horrible issue.
And I said, well, it belongs to me because I knew that I had created the problem by not
listening to God in the first place.
Anybody else?
Anybody else kind of ignored that still small voice, ignored that check in your spirit is
what they call it, ignored that discernment and kind of rushed 100 miles an hour off the
edge of the cliff?
No, just me, right?
Nobody else ever.
So that's how this situation had been created.
That's how it had been created.
You guys, the day that I took the job that had created the situation, I was a media consultant
back there, back then.
The day that I had taken the job to be a media consultant for a specific brand, that very
day that I had said, yes, yes, I would love to have this job.
That very day that I said, yes, I was in the DMs of one of the principal thought leaders
of that brand.
And I saw this person having an affair on their wife.
Y'all, I saw it with my own eyes.
I saw direct messages that I wasn't supposed to see.
You guys, I didn't, I hadn't even said yes to the job for over more than two hours.
And God's like, look and see.
Guys, I had the opportunity to be out right then to be like, oh yeah, thanks for the offer.
Thanks for the opportunity, but I'm actually going to go a different direction.
I wouldn't have had to say anything to anybody.
I wouldn't have had to, hey, you know what, not my monkey, not my circus, right?
But I got it in my confused little heart that I could fix it, right?
I can fix this.
I can help.
I can, you know, whatever.
And so, and I really wanted it.
It was a very prestigious job.
So my pride, my ego, everything got in the way.
And so even though God allowed me to see what was really happening behind the scenes, and
by the way, all these people that are boohooing about all these mega pastors and mega churches
that are crumbling right now, you saw all those dead bodies.
You knew, don't tell me you didn't know that there was being, there was people being abused.
Don't tell me that you didn't know that there was control issues.
Don't tell me that you didn't know there was legalism.
Don't tell me you didn't have a check in your spirit, because then that tells me you
don't know Holy Spirit, because Holy Spirit shows us pretty quickly what's going on.
And here's the thing, just because you see what's going on doesn't mean that it doesn't
become your assignment.
Sometimes we'll be assigned, we'll just still, we'll still know what's up, right?
But for me in this situation, I was being shown, this is not a good situation.
Don't do it.
But I did it anyway.
And y'all, it got worse.
It got worse.
And guess what?
More dead bodies started showing up.
I found out where all the bodies were buried in just a little bit of time.
And I wasn't making it better.
In fact, I somehow, my disobedience was making it worse.
And then fast forward a year later, when this story picks up about God saying, hey, who
do you belong to?
I had gotten myself in so deep that I was being sued.
Yes, you guys, I was being sued, and I didn't even do anything wrong.
But I had no money.
And guess what?
Other people involved in the situation had all the money, and they were tormenting me
and threatening me on a daily basis to the point, y'all, I was being so gaslit, and I
was being so threatened, and I was being so tormented that it caused me to have a
mental health breakdown.
So fast forward to this moment, God's like, who do you belong to?
You.
You, God, I belong to you.
All right.
Who does this problem belong to?
Well, I had to say me, because it's like, I knew you were trouble when you walked in.
Right?
That's what happened.
I knew.
But I did it anyway.
And God's like, Jackie.
He said, if you belong to me, then your problems, whether they were self-created or not, also
belong to me.
And guess what?
I don't have any problems.
Boom.
Boom, shakalaka.
Just mic drop right there.
And there was a deliverance in that moment when I realized that if I was going
to be, and somebody has to write this down, if God is asking us to fully surrender to him,
he's also asking us to surrender our problems to him and our issues to him, not just our good bits,
but our unlovely bits too. There's no such thing as, oh, well, I created this, so this is still
my problem, but I belong to you, God. No. The divorce, the custody arrangement, the financial
issues that you created for yourself because you a spender, all that stuff belongs to the Lord.
And that's what the word repentance means. It means we're going to turn away from
the behavior that caused those issues, and we're going to turn towards God's grace and mercy.
And I was able to do that that night, and almost immediately peace came, shalom peace,
the kind of peace that devours the chaos, it came in, okay? And then what happened next is God gave
me, because remember I said I really love a tangible activation, God gave me the activation
of the Jesus Cares Board. Jackie, I need you to have a place, because you a controlling little
girl, I need you to have a place where you admit that you can't fix this stuff, but you can actually
see that you've given it to me. And you guys, there was a supernatural release when I would
take it and I would put that post-it note over there, because all mine is is one big post-it note,
one of those big ones with littler ones on it, and scriptures. So when I activate and I put
something on there, I know that I'm no longer meddling with that thing, okay? And I'm not
letting it meddle with me. If God needs my help in sorting that out, getting it sorted, He's going
to let me know. But in the meantime, it's safely with Him, and a lot of times those things become
unproblems. They unproblem themselves, meaning that I thought it was a problem and I was making
it into a problem, and my mind was forecasting it into an even bigger mountain situation, when
after I released it to Him, it just got littler and littler and littler, and then just poof, it
disappeared. And then there are other times where, especially if it involves other people and their
free will, that you just continue to pray over your Jesus Cares Board, and you let God handle
things instead of them taking them into your own strength. And you guys, that's how that story ends
for me. After that moment of a release and surrender, God told me to take my hands off of it
and to stay silent. He told me, you have the right to remain silent. Because before then, I was
defending myself. I was trying to give evidence of why what I was being accused of was not true.
In fact, I actually was the innocent person. But then after that night, I actually stopped
responding. And this may sound crazy, but you guys, if God tells you to do something,
you got to do it. Okay? And it can't just be wishful thinking. It has to be, God told you to
do this. So the lawyers were sending me emails, and I stopped answering them. I actually stopped
answering the lawyer emails, which seems risky. Right? Because those were threats of litigation.
Okay? And so I stopped answering those emails. And pretty soon,
maybe three or four months went by. Emails, emails, emails, email, silence.
Silence, silence, silence, silence, silence, silence, silence. And then at about maybe the
year mark, I got an email. And this email was from someone else. The email was from someone who
was related to the issue. And they just said to me, tell me the whole story.
And so I recounted all the way back to that moment, y'all, that I took the job.
And I saw all the truth behind the scenes. I recounted all the way back to then. And then I
just made a huge narrative of every single thing that happened. I named names, y'all. I named names.
I gave dates. I gave times. I gave transcripts. I gave receipts of text messages. You know,
I had the receipts. I did all of that. And then you know what happened after that?
I never heard from anyone ever again. That's been 14 years ago.
Sometimes the only thing you can do is just shut your mouth.
Because you guys, if people don't have a love for the truth, then they don't care
about what's true.
And so even if you're the, you're not, you're the innocent party, innocence doesn't go along.
way in the culture that we live in. But it does in the kingdom. And so you just got to give it to
God. So we had, we didn't have that on the agenda. That's not what Bethany left me to do. But you
know, we always follow Holy Spirit. So who is that helpful for? Hopefully someone either watching in
replay, or someone who's here right now finds that helpful and is going to benefit from that.
All right. You have the right to remain silent because anything you say can and will be used
against you. All right. You have the right to an advocate, to counsel, right? And who's our
advocate? Jesus. And so if you don't have an advocate, one will be appointed to you. Who's
going to be appointed to you? Jesus. Let him fight your battles. So use your Jesus Cares boards,
ladies. And hopefully now that you know the history of my Jesus Cares board, you will begin
to really use yours a lot more. It's so freeing. It's so freeing. There's so much deliverance
attached to that activation. And it's real. I believe that when I give it to him, he takes care
of it. All right. So welcome to all the new ladies. All right. For those of you that you've
been getting distracted, Bethany put on here, don't quit. All right. You might have a lot of
distractions and disruptions. I talk about that and what to expect. And there's a reason why.
And for those of you that are all the way in phase two, I love it that you're coming back here,
but there comes a point in time where you really need to try that heart workout in the real world.
And so as long as you're not coming back here to hide out and you are doing the activations
in phase two, which means the dating challenge, getting out there, meeting people, because this
is where more heart work issues will come to the surface. You'll see where you really need
to do the work as you are venturing out into unknown territory. Okay. And in getting to know
people and, and, and trying to let people in, that's going to be important. All right. Um,
I encourage you to post in your community. If you're on the Facebook group for phase one,
or if you're in the app for phase one, and pretty soon everyone's going to be over on the app,
make sure you post posts about what you're learning, be vulnerable. You know, if you can't
put yourself out there in a private community, if you can't show up, if you can't put a face to your
name and allow people to see you and allow people in, as far as into your process, then you don't
really have a lot of hope to be able to do that out in that dating world. If you can't trust your
sisters here, then you're probably going to have a really hard time trusting people who you have no
idea who they are or whether they're trustworthy. And so let's practice coming out of hiding here.
Can we do that? So all of you need to leave this session and go make a post. All of you have a
nugget of wisdom to share, something you've learned, some kind of takeaway, something that
you're working on, something vulnerable that you need to confess, something that you can do within
the group. Okay, so here are some of the ideas taken from your roll call. And I write about this
in the book, you can't erase, you can only replace. So we have a lot of bad things that have happened
in our lives, without exception, everyone here has suffered, but we cannot change history.
And the only way to get closure truly is to replace the lies that we believe because
of the trauma with the truth. The truth is the closure that you're looking for.
Forgiveness for self and others is the closure that you're looking for.
Confessing so you can be healed, James 5.16, is the closure that you're looking for.
Super important.
I know you guys already know this, but
no matter what has happened to you,
it doesn't have more power to affect your life than what Jesus did for you on the cross.
All right, so here are the questions that we have for today's activations.
It's about control. So I guess Holy Spirit was leading us in the right direction,
in our little opening monologue there. Control is an illusion and we have to choose to let go
of control. Let's choose to surrender the pen. And so what Bethany has written here based on
your roll call is that, what areas of your lives do you struggle the most to let go of control in?
That's a question from week one of heart work. And are you trying to
are you trying to
keep people where you want them? Okay, keep people fixed or controlled so that
but they can't hurt you.
You guys, I was a few minutes late to the call today
because I was on a coaching call with a young man.
He's 36 years old,
and he is really trying to love this woman.
They go way back.
They were friends.
Her husband passed away.
They worked together, I think, back in the day,
and then her husband passed away.
She was not, you guys,
just because someone's husband passes away
or their wife passes away
does not mean they were happily married.
Please make a note of that.
I think oftentimes we think widow and widowers,
oh, so tragic.
The love of your life passed away,
and how will you ever love again?
No, a lot of people are unhappily married
and even being abused within marriages
where the other spouse passes,
and that was her situation.
So he passed away, her husband,
and then this man and her
reconnected.
He tried to be there for her during her abusive marriage
as much as he could,
and then years went by.
He had heard that her husband had passed away,
but they didn't reconnect,
and then, I forget how they reconnected.
They ran into each other.
Something happened, and they reconnected,
but guess what?
This woman has not done her heart work,
so she is struggling with trusting.
She is struggling
with what we call disorganized attachment.
She anxiously wants to be with someone
because she's lonely.
She's raising three kids on her own.
She wants the touch.
She wants the cuddles.
She even wants the sex,
and here he is showing up in purity,
saying, you know, you don't need that.
I know you want it, but you don't need it.
It's not gonna be good for you or your children.
It's not gonna be good for me,
and so I'm not gonna give that to you.
You guys, do they make men like this?
Here she is, booty calling him,
hey, you wanna come over at midnight?
I'm really lonely.
Will you just come up to the house?
Will you just come over, you know,
and he's like, no, that's not good.
It's not healthy.
I want to, but I'm not going to, right,
and so here is this woman being presented
with a good-looking, healthy, mature, God-loving man,
and she doesn't have the capacity to receive that love,
she doesn't,
so she's using language like, you're too good for me,
you deserve better, I can't give you what you need.
No, all she's saying is is that I'm addicted
to the rollercoaster of abuse,
and I'm looking for someone who's gonna turn me out again.
I know I am saying that I'm not ready for a relationship,
but if trouble walks in, I'm gonna jump right on that.
You guys, don't be this woman.
I know we all shake our head like, mm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm,
but some of you, either here or in replay,
could easily fall into that pattern if you wanted to,
and it is true, I'm gonna tell you
that healthy relationships are far more boring,
but they're also really dependable,
and they're also obviously not gonna break your heart later,
but if you're addicted to the rise and fall,
to the dopamine rush of that,
then a healthy man is gonna seem a little dry.
Especially if you've been messing around
with too many rom-com movies or too much, you know,
romance novels and different things
where everything is always so much sexual tension
and conflict, right?
All right, so let's do our activation.
Let's do our question,
and since there's so few of you guys here,
there's only 11 of you,
I don't think we're gonna put you on the list,
there's only 11 of you,
I don't think we're gonna put,
I'm not gonna put you in groups.
Let's just go ahead and go around,
and whoever wants to answer this question can answer it.
Where are you really struggling with giving God control?
Not in the past, right now in your life.
Floor is open, who wants to go?
Me, I'm having trouble giving to God the control
over getting people to like me,
because I've been rejected like so many times in my life.
and by groups of people and bullied like horribly bullied and I don't know how to stop that.
I've been rejected so many times in my life,
I've been rejected so many times in my life.
What did the bullying look like? Like you seem like an attractive, smart, you know,
woman. I mean, what was the bullying like? What was the genre of the bullying?
A lot of times it sounded, looked like envy because I have a PhD cum laude. I'm like really
smart and I'm like really good at what I do and sometimes people, I think they get envious because
I got rewarded for doing things right but sometimes people, it's hard for people to say
she's better than, she does this better than I can so it's okay for her to have this reward,
this trouble, whatever. So yeah, I think it had a lot to do with that but why me? Why all the time?
Why everywhere I go it happened the same story all over again? Why? Okay, what spaces is this
happening in? Like I don't know what you do for a living. Is it happening in the workplace?
Is it happening in school? Political communication and academia.
Political communication in Cartagena? And academia. Oh, academia. Yeah, university
teaching scholar and university scholar, yeah. So I had to give it a lot and now I'm
in a different field where I have to do like one-on-one consultations because
with groups, it always, the same story, it happened over and over and over again.
And who bullies you the most, men or women? Women.
Okay, so what you're describing to me, ladies, this is really important, okay? What she's
describing is a man's world, okay? But she's a woman there and oftentimes what will happen
when you are excelling at something that has been predominantly men-dominated,
masculine-dominated is other women that are also in that space, they will try to pull you down.
Because there's this concept that there is only two seats at the table reserved for women in this
male-dominated space and if you take one of those seats and there's only one seat left,
right? If you make it there, then that means I don't get to go there.
Yeah. And so it's kind of a, it's honestly the fallout of demonic feminism
where we're empowering women to go into these male-dominated arenas and genres and spheres
of influence, but at the same time, women still have this mentality that only few women will ever
make it in those places. And so if you make it, then there's not enough room for me too.
And so they'll attack one each other back by gossip, the dark feminine, right? And I really
feel like that's probably what's happening to you. I have this problem with my mother. She
was a very abusive, physically and emotionally abusive mother. Yeah. Like I always had to do
everything to win her love and respect, even respect for me. Right. And I feel like I always-
So you've been having trouble with women since you were born?
Yeah. And I was like, just like you said, like literally running for my life. I went to hospital
as a child a couple of times because of my mother beating me up so badly. So yeah, I have,
I need like, I have this need for women in power to acknowledge me and approve of me.
Yeah. Well, we have to, we have to cure you of that because a lot of times women that are in
power, especially in male-dominated arenas are not healthy people. Not always, but a lot of times
they're not because they got there by being not healthy. That's how they were able to overcome
all of the misogyny and make it to that place of power. So they're usually aggressive. A lot of
times they're jealous. A lot of times they're insecure and threatened by us. And so like,
you know, they don't want to be dethroned. So they'll smile to your face, but behind your back,
no, no, no, no. And so here's the thing. We're not going to change them, but you're going to
change your perception of them. And your mommy wound is not going to get the best of you anymore
to continue to try to get the attention of, or the affirmation of people that really shouldn't
matter to you.
I'm not saying that we're not kind, we're Christians, we're kind to people, but we're
not going to try to get the affirmation or attention of people that don't matter.
Let me tell you who matters, let me tell you who you should go the extra mile to have good
standing with and favor with.
People that you gave birth to, and even when they're not safe, people that gave birth to
you.
There's a lot of times nothing we can do about those toxic relationships with our parents,
but we can love them from a safe distance if they're still alive.
We can bless them, we can pray for them, we can ask God to heal them because obviously
they're the way they are because of trauma.
If you're married to someone, you should care about what they think.
These are the people, and of course we need to care about first and foremost what God
thinks of us.
We want to please God, and how do we please God?
We please God by having faith.
We don't please God by being nice or kind or polite.
We please God in one way, by having faith, by believing that he is good and he is a rewarder
of those that put their dependence in him.
Do you know that that's the only way that you can please God?
It isn't by your works, it isn't by your good deeds.
It is by believing that he is good and that he is trustworthy enough for you to put your
dependence on him.
That is what the Bible says.
Without faith it's impossible to please God because those that have faith believe that
God is good and that he is a rewarder of those who diligently what?
Depend on him.
The word seek there is looking to him for support and help.
Depend on him.
So Maria, if you are pleasing to God, the Bible says he will cause even your enemies
to shake your hand in the places of influence.
That's scripture.
When you please God, he will allow even your enemies to shake your hand in the places of
influence.
And it sounds like the place of influence that you've been called to is academia.
The places that you've been called to are the places, the scholarly halls and the places
of influence in the area of politics and communication in these places.
And so who cares who doesn't like you behind closed doors?
If you please God, then even those people will be forced to give you favor in the place
that you're called to.
Your field of favor, which is where you are.
And so if you treat people with kindness and respect and honor, then it doesn't matter
if they like you or not.
All that matters is, is that you're doing what you're called to do and you let God take
care of the rest.
Now, it's very possible that there's a tormenting spirit attached to this situation with women.
And so I want you to pray into that and ask God to show you, I'm writing this down, ask
God to show you, because of that mommy wound and because of the cursed feminine that has
been present in your life, all of your life, manipulative, deceiving, violent, verbally
and physically, this is bad news.
God does not want you to be a people pleaser and he doesn't want you to flatter people
or try to get in their good graces so that they will like you.
He wants you to be yourself, right?
And so you're intimidated by the spirit.
And so what you're doing is you're trying to like make peace with it so that it doesn't
come at you.
And then what's happening?
It's coming at you anyway, isn't it?
So instead, the weapons of your warfare are not carnal, but they're mighty through God
to the pulling down of strongholds, because this is a stronghold.
And so you are going to ask God how you are fueling this fire and you're going to stop
doing it, whether it's a behavior, whether it's false flattery, whether it's toxic people
pleasing and you're just going to be yourself and you're going to let the chips fall where
they may.
You're going to trust God to take care of the rest.
If people don't like you, that's their problem.
If God likes you, then you're still going to succeed.
You do not need the approval of toxic women.
You guys ever heard the saying, keep your.
friends close and your enemies closer,
that's what Maria's been doing.
And she's not gonna do that anymore.
And I bet you the people that you try to win over the most
are the people that are toxic like mom.
You know, getting them to like you doesn't change your past.
It doesn't change the fact that you had a mother
that seemingly hated you, but she hated herself.
And that's the truth.
And she hated herself because of her own abuse.
And things that happened in her life
that caused self-hatred to come in.
So who else had problems with mom?
Let's see your hands.
You had a hard mom, a mom that was never pleased or happy,
or any other kind of female wound.
It could be a grandma, it could be a sister.
You had sibling rivalry with your sister.
She was always competing against you, jealous of you.
Any other woman wounds here?
You guys know my story.
I had a hard, hard situation with my mother.
All right.
Raise your hand if you got a daddy wound.
Daddy abandoned, he wasn't there.
No mommy or daddy wounds in the house besides Maria.
Really?
I'm not buying it.
Kelly has their hand up.
Okay.
All right, you guys.
Oftentimes, regardless of who the wound is with,
we will try to rewrite history
by fixing that through a different relationship, right?
If I can get this person to love me,
then that means I'm lovable,
even though this person over here didn't love me.
Hey guys, it doesn't work.
Remember what I said at the beginning of this?
Closure only comes through forgiveness and confession.
That's what it comes through.
Okay.
All right, Maria, that's your assignment.
Remember, you're dealing with spirits, not people.
So let's dig into these behavior patterns
that you're doing that fuel the fire,
and we're not gonna do those anymore.
Okay?
Was that helpful?
Hey, Jackie, there's somebody in the chat
that posted about a mommy wound.
I don't know if you saw that or not.
Okay.
Thank you so much, Jackie.
Thank you so much.
I love you.
Oh, I love you.
Thank you.
Min Ling, Min Ling says she has a mommy wound.
Now, you know that there's a stereotype
in the Asian culture of like the tiger mom,
like the mom that's never pleased,
you can't do enough, you can't do things right.
Is that your situation?
Or do you feel, first of all,
do you feel like that's a stereotype?
I've run into a lot of Asian women in my programs
that say that they felt like
too much was always expected of them
and that they were never good enough.
And so I don't know if that's a thing or not,
but it has kind of proven true a little bit in our courses.
So you tell us, what is your specific mommy wound?
Every time, I don't know,
I just, I feel my mom just like a kid.
I'll take care of her, so.
Because I- You what?
Like, I just, I feel like my mom has never grow up.
I always have to take care of her
because maybe she doesn't understand English,
so every time I need to translate to her,
and then especially my dad passed away,
so I need to, yeah.
So she expects you to be the mom?
Yeah, but I'm not her mom, so.
No.
Well, how old were you when your dad passed?
Like seven, no, my dad just passed like before,
so four years ago, so.
Okay, and was your mom like this when he was alive,
or did she just become like this after he passed?
No, she's kind of emotional,
so that's why when my dad was around her,
so my dad take care of her emotionally.
So I think there's a pattern, right?
Every time she have this emotional issue,
my dad just like going out with friends,
and then after that, he came back.
So right now, since my dad passing away,
I realize my mom just have similar pattern,
so it's kind of emotional sort of rollercoaster.
So at first, I feel like, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, you guys, people who have emotional instability
like Min Ling is talking about with her mother,
they usually have had trauma at a really young age,
and so they actually didn't grow up.
They actually got stuck.
there at that immature age where it's all about them and people have to do for them
and take care of them and, you know, they have emotional outbursts if they get into
a place where they feel afraid or they feel not taken care of.
And so what we have to do is if mom is too old or not willing to do her own heart work
so that she can unpack that, then you're going to have to have what we call boundaries with
mom.
And usually if someone has emotional stunting like your mom, she's not going to take those
really well.
And so does she live with you?
Oh yeah, she's living with me right now so, but right now I learned that since the heart
work, I learned that there's some boundary.
So I sense if there's something going on.
So at the beginning, I just left her alone.
When I come back, she's okay.
So I'm not just an emotional outburst because she told me since I was young, when I was
in kindergarten, so she yelled at me, I run away.
So that's a similar pattern layer by layer.
So right now I have to like, so live with her.
So now I understand you are, are you going to have to continue to live with her even
after you get married?
Like she doesn't have anyone else, just you know, I, that's my question.
I don't know yet though, because I, it might be too difficult to let her siblings.
Do you have any siblings?
Oh yeah.
I have my sister.
She, she got married.
Yeah.
She like, she, she was not like there with my mom.
So she said, you have to, you have to take care of mom because you're single and your
sister got married and now you're stuck with mom.
Yeah.
But I'm going to get married to, that's what I'm told her.
So like, that's why I told my mom when she was calm.
So she was understand, but that you'll never know.
Right.
When things happen, she'll like, yeah, well, you're going to have to get some really good
boundaries in place with mom and in preparation for you meeting someone, you need to start
thinking through that with Holy Spirit.
What happens when I meet someone?
How's mom going to react to that?
She's probably going to be afraid of losing you and losing your help and your caretaking
is now you're distracted with your love life.
And if you get married, then what happens to her?
So she's probably going to start acting bad, even worse now than now, because out of fear,
people start manifesting.
Right.
And if they're worried about losing us or losing our attention or losing our support
or whatever it is that we're providing for them, then they start, they start lashing
out emotionally.
And so you need to go ahead and prepare for that because I believe that you're here because
it's your last year single.
And so you need to start preparing mom for the fact that, Hey, I want to meet someone
and I want to get married.
And what's life going to look like when that happens, you know, start preparing her little
by little by little so that when it does happen, it's not just some big shock.
Yeah.
So that's why I'm going to tell her that I'm going to get married.
This is my last year single too.
So, yeah, yes, yes, but in terms, she'll want me to get married, but in other way, this
other side of her, I mentioned the fear, right?
Yeah.
What happened if I get married?
Like my sister will have a way for her.
So no, that's just, that's a fear-based that see that's a, you guys, we always talk about
counterfeit personalities.
Did you hear what she just said?
She said her mom's okay until she gets into a different version of herself.
There's this other version of mom where mom starts, you know, getting upset and getting
fearful and all part of mom, one side of mom wants mingling to get married and is happy
for her and wants that for her.
And then the other version of her is like, what's going to happen to me?
You know, I want to hold you back because if this happens for you, then what's going
to happen to me?
And so you guys, those are, those are fear-based, those are fear-based counterfeit personalities.
And for those of you that are in week five, hopefully you're recognizing which ones you
have.
We all have them.
So go ahead and post in the comments.
What can get you shifted into a counterfeit personality?
What scenario, what situation, what topic can shift you into your counterfeit?
Let's see it.
What's your trigger?
If you have more than one that you can just think of right off the top of your head, you
can post more than one.
Okay, groups of people at work for Maria, come on y'all.
Let's see it.
What can get you, what can get you acting in a way that you know is not your ideal self?
What can get you acting that way?
All right, Kylie said proving that I'm good enough, feeling like she's got to prove that
she's good enough.
The counterfeit question, Brittany, is what trigger, what can get you into your counterfeit?
We all have counterfeits.
We all have alternative personalities that are based on trauma, trauma-based personalities.
What is your trigger that gets you acting in a way that you know is not worthy of you?
Shame around finances, social cues, transitions, spontaneous changes to plans.
Oh, that's a good one.
Let's talk about that for a second.
Spontaneous changes to plans.
Get your sister riled up.
She needs things to be certain.
She needs certainty.
She wants to have it planned out.
You guys, when we are married to a plan and we do not like interruptions to our plans,
we don't want last minute changes because my best friend is like this.
And I am the queen of spontaneity and she is someone who loves to have things planned
out a long time in advance.
And if there is any change, like remember, I remember one time we went on vacation together
and when we got off the plane and we were at the car rental place, she had rented this
car in advance and there was a problem with her credit card.
I can't really remember what happened.
This is a long time ago, like 14, 15 years ago.
Anyway, you guys, it threw her for a loop.
She about busted a gasket over the fact that what she had carefully planned out was not
going smoothly and it forced us to have to pivot.
It forced us to have to have a plan B, which I am the master of plan B, C, D, elemental
B. All right.
I thrive in flexibility, but she didn't and she doesn't.
And you guys, it's great to be a planner.
If that's your gift, that's great.
But a lot of you, you think that's a gift, but it's actually a personality that's been
overextended by trauma.
And now you want to control everything.
You're not a planner, you're a controller.
There's a difference between those two things.
Okay.
And so if something not going your way or not going the right way or not working out
according to plan really messes you up, got to take a deep look at that because life very,
very, very rarely goes according to plan.
Just doesn't.
In fact, plans are created to be changed for the most part.
Okay.
So sis, Amy from OKC.
Tell us when was the first time in your life that you felt out of control of your safety,
of your, you know, of the things that you needed and you made a vow that when you were
in control, you were going to make sure that you kept yourself safe.
You're going to make sure that everything was laid out.
Did you have a spontaneous parent that was super irresponsible?
What's the earliest memory that you have of chaos basically is my question.
I don't know.
Like I tend to think my household was pretty flexible in structure, but my mom likes spontaneity.
Like let's go on a trip or whatever.
But I think for me, it's more of like I was diagnosed with ADHD later in life, but like
this like feeling of I'm trying to keep up and do the things that are expected.
And then when something changes from like, it's like I build bridges and when something
changes, it feels like I'm about to step off a cliff and there's nothing to catch me because
the link I had is gone.
So I just get so thrown and then it's like scrambling
to try to pick up the pieces.
And then there's a lot of shame with that
because everyone else around,
the lie I believe is everyone else around me
has fine with this.
And it's, something's broken with me
that I can't function in the world
the way everyone else does.
And so not having an explanation for that
until in my thirties, it became part of this like,
oh, Amy's just broken.
She's always late.
She's always forgetting things.
She's always, and then when plans would change,
it would just really throw me with like,
I don't know what's going on.
I'm not oriented.
And so like, I don't think it's as much
about like wanting control as just like knowing where I am
and like how to fit in so that I don't get singled out
for not doing what's expected, if that makes sense.
No, it doesn't.
That's what you're looking for, but.
No, no, no, no.
It's a really great answer.
It's a very different answer
than I've ever had anyone answer that question.
And what I love about it is,
is that while you're saying that,
what I hear in the spirit is,
is that you planning and having the structure set up
is like your own 504 plan.
I remember when my son, my son's very creative
and you guys know Western education
does not cater to creatives.
It caters to academics.
People that can read and memorize and regurgitate on tests.
Okay, that is the lecture style of Western education.
And so my son started really struggling in middle school.
In elementary school, he did okay,
but in middle school, he started really struggling
because he's a designer now.
That's what he does for a living.
And he's very, very, very creatively bent.
And so they said, not that he was on the spectrum.
I feel like they put everyone on the spectrum
that is not what they consider the norm,
but that he had some learning disabilities
in their opinion that he could have
what's called a 504 plan.
And a 504 plan basically gives you more time
to be able to accomplish what the other students
are accomplishing in a different amount of time.
It gives you more prompts, it gives you more support.
Like maybe you can stay after class and finish the test,
or maybe you get a different syllabus
or a different study guide or just different things.
But what it's supposed to do
is it's supposed to even the playing ground, right?
Supposed to level the playing ground
because the way that you learn versus everybody else.
And when you're talking, I hear Holy Spirit saying,
her planning is like her 504 plan.
What it does is it helps her to feel like
she's caught up with everybody else.
But then if something goes differently,
then you feel like everyone else is gonna thrive
and you're not going to.
Like you're gonna like, oh no, now I gotta catch up
and I don't know if I can.
And so it's actually pretty genius
that you have done that for yourself.
You've given yourself your own 504 plan.
But as you and I both know, there's lots of spontaneity
and we all envy people who can fly
by the seat of their pants
and still somehow come out on top, right?
But there's a lot to be said for people
who are organized and structured and that's important too.
So this is how you're beautifully and wonderfully made.
I don't see it at all as a deficit.
I see it as you being the intelligent,
intuitive woman that you are,
you have figured out how to succeed in this world.
And then everything else, when it doesn't go
according to your plan,
is just gonna have to be by grace.
And I feel like Holy Spirit is inviting you
into leaning less into your gifts and more into his power.
Like that's gonna stretch you a little bit,
but knowing that he actually levels the playing field
and he makes up the deficit.
So I feel like you're gonna have some moments
in the very near future where you are going to,
where you normally would have felt very fearful
because it's like you're showing up
but you don't have the script or the lines.
So you're not prepared.
Like there's a fear of being unprepared
that you're not gonna be prepared,
but you're gonna be in the moment empowered by the spirit
and it's gonna be amazing.
And it's gonna actually show you
a whole different layer of yourself.
So that's a prophetic word for you.
Thank you.
Yes.
All right, Amy, that's good stuff.
I like it.
All right, Laura says,
is there anything that's different from my expectations?
So Laura, talk to us about that
cause that's different than planning.
This is about expectations.
So if something is less than what you expected,
you get, do you get handicapped by disappointment?
What's that look like?
Yes.
Okay.
Yeah, I think, I think, I mean,
even looking-
back to my childhood, I still have never been able to figure
out why I have such high expectations of like literally
everything. And I just get so I did get disappointed so easily.
Okay, let me ask you this when you but I don't I don't. Oh,
go ahead. Did you like do you have like a very vivid
imagination? No. So did you watch a lot of movies? Did you
read a lot of books? And not really? I mean, you have a
parent that is a dreamer or is someone who's always
bombastically describing things? No. Interesting. Because no,
like you said, you've always had a high, high level of
expectation. But where does it come from? I have not from
somewhere. It comes from somewhere. And I still have yet
to figure that out. Because it doesn't I mean, it doesn't make
sense. Like, I mean, I had a overall like, good childhood.
But I just remember, like, you know, birthday parties always
being disappointed. And it's like, well, I had a birthday
party and I had friends there. But it was like, I was always
disappointed. And so you were disappointed because you were
comparing it to what, though? That's the question. I know. If
you didn't have a vivid imagination, then you had to be
comparing it to something you were actually looking at. What
were you looking at? Was it from a movie? Was it from a book?
But you guys, we can't have missed expectations, unless
there's comparison. Right. So where's the comparison? I mean,
it, it must have been from Yeah, TV or what friends had. You have
siblings? Yes, I have siblings. Okay, any rivalry there? I'm
yeah, as normal rival rivalry as kids, but I never felt like,
like a sibling was like more loved or got more things are
like, it felt like an even playing field. But it but now it
just carries into work and dating. And this Yeah, it's like
my expectations are too high. In so much in so much of what I
do that it's like, I'm just going to be disappointed
anyways. Oh, okay. So that that that kind of leads to kind of a
sort of fatalism. That feels like it's that feels like it's
victim rooted. Mm hmm. Like, ah, for me, nothing, you know,
nothing's good. You know, oh, yeah, you know, this is, I guess
it's okay. You know, it's not great. Yeah. Yeah. So where
would that come from? Any victims in the family? Um, any
complainers? Any negative people? Yeah, my mom. Okay. Um,
yeah, is anything is, are things good enough for mom? I know you
wouldn't categorize that as expectation. But is she hard to
please?
Yes and no. Okay. Um,
because babe, it's possible that you're talking about. My
expectations are too high. Nothing ever meets them. But
actually, couldn't we juxtaposition that to I'm just
hard to please?
Yeah. Okay. I think I totally know that. Like my mom would say
that. Mm hmm. She would say that about you or herself? No, she'd
say that about me. Ah, you're never happy, Laura. Nothing's
ever good enough for you. Mm hmm. Now, now that I'm now that
I'm older. Yes. Okay. When you were a kid, what did she say? I
don't think she said anything. I think she gave me a gift. And
she could see that I was like, it wasn't what I wanted. Because
I told her, well, I want the purple shirt. Well, she ended up
getting me the green shirt. Because she thought it would
because she thought it would look nicer on me. Okay. So
listen, no, that's important. Let's stay there for a second.
That's important. Because what's happening here is you are being
specific about what you want, but nobody's listening. Yeah.
Okay. So yeah, it may seem like I'm hard to please or nothing's
ever good enough. But at the same time, I said I wanted the
purple shirt. And you bought me the green one. Because what I
want is not important. Yeah.
You bought me what you thought was better
instead of listening to what I want.
Yeah.
How often did that happen in your life?
I say often.
Okay, me too.
When I was a child, I would make a Christmas list
and my mom would buy me things kind of in the same genre,
but not the thing.
Like I would say, I want a Swatch watch.
Does anyone know what those are?
That was really big in the 80s when I was an adolescent.
And she would get me a watch.
Just a fricking watch.
I don't want a watch.
I want a Swatch watch.
Yeah.
You know?
And it wasn't a money situation.
We had plenty of money.
It was just a, my mom wasn't detailed.
She didn't care about the details of me.
Yeah.
And you know what happens, Laura?
We feel unseen, unknown, unloved, unheard, uncared for.
Yeah.
I mean, and looking back, it's like,
like I wouldn't necessarily like say those things
about my mom.
Like, oh, she didn't love me.
Or, you know, she didn't see me,
but now thinking about it that way is different.
It is different because you're voicing what you want
and also with parties and different things,
especially if they're not planned by us,
especially if they're planned by others,
there's a part of us that wants people to know us
and to know what we would like.
Yeah.
And then when that doesn't happen, we feel disappointed.
And I feel like I am really good
at being thoughtful for others
and paying attention to like the little details.
Oh, I bet you're a great gift giver.
Yes.
And that's like my love language.
I know.
And I love doing that.
I'll just let you see something I wrote down.
Shoot.
Crap.
I'm trying to figure out how.
Before you said that I wrote down
that your love language was gifts.
I want you to see that God loves you.
Shoot, I can't make it go in the camera.
Right there.
Love language, gifts.
See it?
Love language, gifts.
You see what I wrote about you?
Yep.
Okay.
People that have the love language of gifts
are people that are very intentional.
And so Laura, all that's happening here
is that you've been given a beautiful gift by God
called the gift of intention.
And you have not been surrounded by people
who have that gift as well.
Yeah.
And so,
you guys know,
have you guys ever gone to the grocery store?
They don't really have it that much anymore,
but they used to have products in every aisle
that were just in a plain white container
just said generic on it.
It was generic cheese or generic milk,
or does anyone ever remember the generic products
in the grocery store?
They weren't a certain brand.
They weren't a certain quality.
They were just generic.
Generic just means,
who knows?
It's just generic.
It's just like a random thing of that genre,
milk, cheese, whatever it is.
So, Laura has been surrounded by generic people
all her life.
People that are not intentional about,
the details that make something great.
But Laura,
someone with your personality
would be a great party planner.
Ironically, since you've never had a good party,
you'd be a great party planner.
You would be great at,
wedding planning, party planning.
Baby showers, bridal showers.
Yes.
Helping with my siblings' weddings.
Yes.
I love all that.
You'd actually be a great concierge
of helping other people.
Okay, here's a million dollar business idea
for your personality.
Create a business
where people who don't know what to buy
for the people they love
can fill out a questionnaire about the person
and you can tell them the perfect gift.
There's your billion dollar,
your million dollar business idea.
Seriously, I'm not kidding.
It's like you could be a matchmaker
between people and presents.
Yes.
I love it.
Okay, there's nothing wrong with you
and your expectations are not too high.
That's not what's happening here.
What's happening is that you've never had the privilege
to be in relationship with someone
who really understands you
and what makes you tick
and really cares enough to get detailed.
Yeah, definitely.
That's all.
And so that needs to be a non-negotiable.
You guys remember, you're not in the dating thing yet.
A couple of you are.
You're in phase two.
But when you get to the dating thing, Laura.
needs to make this on her list of heaven, non-negotiables.
She cannot be with a man who is not a detailed person,
who is not intentional and, what's the word?
Not sentimental, intentional and, shoot,
what's the word that we wanna use here?
Needs to be someone who's-
Thoughtful, but it's a fancier word.
Yeah, let's just say thoughtful.
You need someone who's gonna be very thoughtful, okay?
Because otherwise you're gonna be very unhappy.
And just like mom, you're gonna say,
well, it's not, I can't say that my husband doesn't love me,
but at the same time, I feel disappointed
and that's not gonna be good.
Right.
All right.
Do you guys see how God just has made us all so individual
and it's so important?
And a lot of you, you may be the exact opposite of Laura,
you just don't care.
Gifts are not your love language, it doesn't matter.
You know, it's whatever the thought that counts.
You don't care about whether or not someone
really knows you and shows that.
And you guys, just so you know,
the love language of gifts is not expensive,
it's not about money, it's about thoughtfulness.
It's about, oh, you listened to me.
You heard me when I said that my favorite gum
is, you know, fruity bubblicious.
And you brought me that,
you brought me that sweet little present.
You know, that's what it's about.
It's about you know me and you care.
How do I know this?
Because my youngest daughter's love language is gifts.
It's not my love language, but it's her love language.
And so in order to love her the way she needs to be loved,
I have to pay a lot of attention to all the squirrely things
that she talks about all the time.
Because she is, and I know you said
you weren't creative, Laura,
but I feel like people that have the love language of gifts
are usually people that really are creative people
that love the beauty of life.
They're people that love beautiful,
intentional, thoughtful things, so.
All right, y'all, we'll run out of time here.
We're at 121, got about nine more minutes.
I'm just gonna look through here.
Kylie feels that, that's speaking to her.
Hopefully more people that listen to the replay of this
will also relate to something that has been said
in any of this feedback.
Okay, I noticed that not all of you posted
what brings out your counterfeit.
Why is that?
Y'all have counterfeits.
Why didn't everyone post?
I'll give you just a minute to go ahead
and get that post up.
What triggers you into a response personality
that you know is not the authentic you?
Hey, Jackie, this is my first meeting.
I don't know where to post.
And-
Oh, in the chat?
Can you see that there's a chat?
Oh, I see it now.
Thank you so much.
Oh, Lori, welcome.
Thank you.
And I don't, what brings in the pride?
Like, what do I think is, like, what do I hide?
Cause I think I'm a fake or something.
No, like what, what,
what are the things that happen specifically
that can cause you to start acting in a way
that you know is not, it's not your best self?
Okay, thank you so much.
Yes, you're welcome.
So let's see if we can get a couple more up.
Take a look here.
And you guys also don't forget,
you can answer that other question of the areas
where you just don't feel like you can let go of control.
Those are also something that you can post.
Posted earlier about family
and maneuvering their mental health.
Okay, so Amy, maneuvering,
dealing with family members and their mental health
is something that brings out the worst in you.
Is that what you're saying?
Yeah, I think as we were talking about control earlier,
I've realized even as hearing everyone talk,
it's, I believe that they thought I was the one
that was most in control
because I wasn't maneuvering mental health as they were,
such as OCD, bipolar, those types of issues.
And those are things that I know the Lord
just wants to break off of our generational family line.
And so I believe I was the one that was most in control.
So I was the one that was made to fix things.
That was my form of control.
Like I was a fixer and still catch myself
attempting to do that and having to pull back from that.
And the way it brings out the worst in me,
I would say is probably.
me just getting very frustrated and spiritually seeing like, Lord, when is this going to be
addressed by them?
Because I cannot, they have to go to the Lord with it and they are believers.
And I know that there's aspects of mental health that are not necessarily so simple.
I know there's anyways, but yeah, does that help?
Yeah, I'm just writing some stuff down.
So a couple things, when we become the stabilizer for the people that we love, when we become
the crutch for them, it's hard to get out of that kind of it.
Because if you try to remove yourself from being that, you start trying to set a boundary
there.
People usually get very angry because anger is fear and hurts bodyguard.
So when we try to remove ourselves as a stabilizing agent for people, especially with mental health
concerns, they're immediately going to feel betrayed, feel abandoned, fear is going to
set in.
Right.
And so it's hard.
And so you have to do that little by little, little by like, you can never go cold turkey.
I've seen so many people that will come through my programs and they have set up a very unhealthy
dynamic between them and the people they love.
Right.
It's a very unhealthy trauma bonding going on there.
And then because they're so sick and tired of being sick and tired by these people that
they come in and they think that the definition of boundaries is to just set up an immediate
peering away of nope, not going to do it anymore.
Well, y'all, that does not work.
Okay.
That does not work because what's going to happen is you're going to have a world war
three on your hands for sure, but beginning to put into, and this is for you to mainly
with your mama.
Okay.
Beginning to put in little tiny props, think of it as a tree y'all.
Okay.
If you've ever seen a tree, that's a baby tree that's growing a sapling, you'll see
that the sapling has props, these wooden stakes that are on each side of the sapling that
are helping it grow straight.
Okay.
They're supporting it to grow straight and we've been called to support one another,
but you'll see that after as a sapling is growing, certain supports start getting removed.
And that's what we have to do when we have allowed ourselves to be the main support of
someone.
We can't just take it away.
What we have to do is we have to start putting up other supports that are more appropriate
in that person's life and in our relationship with their life until they feel stable with
those new supports.
Then we start removing ourselves little by little by little by little, right?
For sure.
I think one of the things that did help, and I don't know if this speaks to a mingling
situation as well, but was being, having the opportunity to move away.
I still get to see them.
I still, still spend time with them.
I love them so much and I love spending time with them.
And so now for me currently, moving away is setting more clear boundaries of not being
the, I don't know what you said.
You said not fixer, but something else, the something with an S, sorry.
But all that to say it's helped so much, but now every time I go back, I'm having to face
that.
Okay.
How do I set clear boundaries when I'm among everybody?
I'm not going to listen to everyone's issues and try to fix them, but more so just enjoy
time together as a family, but it did help to move away.
Yes.
You guys, geographic separation is good, but mingling, her mom lives with her, so she's
not going to be able to do that.
And so what you have to do is you have to start encouraging mom to do things for herself.
Sometimes it's easier just to do stuff for people, even when you're children, it's just
easier for you to do it than for you to wait on them to do it.
But you guys, we have to let them do it themselves.
We have to, we have to encourage them to do it.
We have to support them to do it.
We have to help them get access to the tools and resources that are not us in order to
do it.
That's all important stuff.
So Amy has been able to, to implement distance with her family.
It's harder to depend on someone, especially everyday dependence when they're not there
physically.
Right.
And so the state stabilizer is the word that I used.
So really not there to stabilize.
They have to find out how to stabilize themselves.
Right.
And that's really important.
And also ladies that have children, you got to do that with your kids too.
Even your grown kids.
You can't always be, you can't be their God.
Okay.
We have to give people room to seek God.
not just turn to us.
That's really important.
Laura, letting go of control in the dating apps.
Well, all of you should be in a dating sabbatical
besides those of you that have transitioned into phase two.
So please do not be on the dating apps.
Do not be on the dating apps if you're in phase one
heart work, you should be in a sabbatical.
And if you can't stay in the sabbatical,
you can't keep yourself from cheating, so to speak,
and going and getting on the dating apps.
And we need to dig into that
because that means that you're less concerned
about what has kept you in this pattern
and you're more concerned about just meeting someone.
And you guys, that is a toxic combination.
I wanna tell you right now,
the only thing that is keeping you
from a healthy and happy marriage-minded courtship
that turns into a marriage is you.
And I know people hate that.
They're like, oh, I've done the work on myself
for so many years.
I understand, but God led you here
because this is the tipping point, okay?
So let's focus on ourselves.
Let's let God show us where,
because like I just said, I just told you a story.
If you guys just got here,
I told a story at the beginning about a coaching call
that I was on right before this session,
where this woman, this guy is trying to love her
and he's a good guy, solid guy.
He's one of my guys, he's an amazing guy.
And she just will not allow herself to be loved.
And I know we think that, oh, that wouldn't be me.
I just can't wait to be loved.
Well, wanting to be loved
and being able to allowing yourself to be loved,
not the same thing, okay?
So we're gonna continue to do the hard work
and realize that God has love for us.
We don't gotta go find it.
What we have to do is be ready to be found by it, right?
Right?
Okay.
Nicole said, I'm feeling taken advantage of,
that triggers me.
But then she goes on to say her main love language
is acts of service.
So the antithesis of this is extracting from me,
not participating in a mutual give and take, receiving.
So basically what she's saying is,
is that she's triggered by feeling taken advantage of,
but I bet Nicole that you probably put yourself
into situations because of your acts of service,
love language, where you are toxically,
or at least in the past,
people-pleasing or over-serving others.
And givers attract takers, y'all.
That's a true story.
Givers attract takers.
So Nicole, your assignment is going to be
to make sure that 90% of the relationships that you're in,
and you guys, I'm not talking about
hundreds of relationships.
I'm just talking about a handful.
90% of that handful are going to be with reciprocation.
They're going to be reciprocal relationships,
which means you give, they take, they give, you take.
Sometimes you're the giver and they're the taker.
Sometimes they're the giver and you're the taker.
And that goes for friendships.
Okay, that goes for any type of relationship
that's not ministry.
And then if you're in ministry relationships
where you're clearly the giver and that person's the taker
and they don't owe you anything in return
because you are giving without expectation of return,
because it's ministry,
if you're in any kind of ministry capacity like that,
make sure that you're not getting over-involved
with those people, that you're giving them
exactly what God has told you to release to them,
nothing more, nothing less.
Guys, believe it or not, I used to be a social worker.
In my 20s, I was a social worker
before I got involved in television.
I've had a lot of careers,
but I was a social worker in my early 20s,
right after I became a believer.
And when I tell you that I lacked boundaries,
I had homeless people living with me, y'all.
I didn't know the word no.
I thought that I was supposed to serve everyone
to bleeding out myself because I was a good Christian person.
Needless to say, social work was not the right career for me
and I learned that very quickly.
So for those of you that feel taken advantage of,
let's make sure that the buck stops with us
and we realize that we're the ones
that have put ourselves into a lot of these
overextended giver plus taker situations.
And instead of pulling back and resenting people
and cutting them off, let's start to do things the right way.
Okay?
Start to do things the right way.
And that's going to make a huge difference.
All right, Father God, I thank you for your daughters.
I thank you for this time together.
I ask Lord that you would help us in all the areas
where we are not living the life
that you created us to live.
We ask that you would help us in all the areas
So you continue to reveal and heal in each of their lives,
where we are not living the life that you created us to live.
bringing things to the surface,
things that are deep, deep, deeply rooted
in the subconscious,
bringing those things up to the conscious mind.
In fact, right now, God, we just speak right now.
Everything hidden comes to the surface.
Reveal to heal, Lord.
Let us understand the what, the why behind the what.
Let us understand the why behind the what.
The behavior patterns that are keeping us stuck,
that are holding us back from abundant life,
let us understand the why behind those things.
Give us clarity, give us revelation, give us wisdom,
but most importantly, give us grace and give us mercy
to be able to respond to these revealings with repentance,
to turn away, to forgive, to confess,
and to allow you to bring us into higher and higher levels
of abundance, in Jesus' name, amen.
All right, bless you all.
I'm gonna be here again at eight, so I'll see you then.
If you're gonna come back and double dip,
it'll be different, all right?
See you soon, bye.
Thank you.