So I'm going to go ahead and share my screen and I'm going to
share my screen and I'm going to share my screen.
All right. Welcome to our love seat for December. You guys,
this is definitely the holiday edition.
For those of you that have never been to a love seat,
here's how it works. This is the co-ed session.
So we have men from our men's program,
women from our women's program here,
and we have all kinds of relationship.
We have a lot of fun.
And so we're going to do a little bit of a one-on-one with me in
front of all of you.
And share their dilemma, share their questions,
share their situation and allow me to weigh in on it.
It's really fun. It's a good time.
A lot of times we do a spotlight as well.
Like single spotlight will spotlight people.
I want you to go ahead and put where you're from in the chat.
So everyone can kind of get an idea where everyone's watching from
the same place.
So that way it's a little bit easier for everyone to kind of get their
questions out of the way.
We've been having quite.
A lot of men from our community showing up and I'm going to address
that here in just a second.
When I talk about the holiday edition of love seats.
And so I'll give you a chance to kind of check each other out.
Where are you guys from?
And if you're in the same area as you are or near the same.
You are, and, you know,
make a note of their name and go look for them.
On in your group.
On the app.
Obviously if they're, if they're the same sex as you,
you'll be able to find them.
If you just want some friends to hang out with you guys,
you can go to the.
The city of Rochester,
which is the newest New York.
So all of you that live in Rochester, Rochester, Albany.
Buffalo, any of those areas up in Northern.
New York.
We're going to.
Be developing a new single city up there.
Which is exciting.
Lots of single cities in development right now. New ones.
So I'll give you a chance to kind of check each other out.
And if you're in the same area as you are,
you'll be able to find them.
All right.
All right. We're going to start love seat.
If you volunteered to jump in the love seat for tonight,
I'm going to invite you to jump in the love seat.
I'm going to invite you to stand up.
And I will get to you in a second.
At least I'll know that you're here and who you are.
And so then I will invite you to jump in the love seat with me here
in a second.
I see Annie's here. Jennifer's here.
Okay. And if you haven't.
In advance said that you want to get in the love seat, but you do.
Okay.
And if you're in the same area as you are,
I'm going to invite you to jump in the love seat with me here in a
second.
I see Annie's here.
I see Jennifer's here.
Okay.
And if you're on in the group and you also think that it could be
constructive for everyone to hear,
go ahead and raise your little avatar hand as well.
Annie, Jennifer and Dinah.
We'll go to those three first and then we'll go afterwards and we have
some fun.
Okay.
We'll have some fun. In fact, let's just do a little icebreaker.
Let's do a little icebreaker.
I think that would be, I think that would be fun.
Okay.
So we're going to go ahead and get started.
So I'm going to go ahead and show you what we're doing.
And I'm going to show you what we're doing.
If you've never been here before.
We are doing lots of things with our database.
In these phase three events.
So the only people that are invited to these are phase three people,
which means you've made it to the final phase of last year,
single program you're in the community or club phase.
Phase three is going to be a pre-cursor.
A pre-cursor to the next year.
So you're already in phase three,
and you have access to those events.
Any dating games that we play.
Any spirit mate match events that we have online.
All of that falls in that category.
We do path sessions. We call it that you guys are a path session.
For this month is next week. It's on the 12th.
It's at 8.
It's in your calendar.
It's in your dropdown calendar,
your event calendar on your app and phase three.
And it is going to be a precursor.
And it's going to be a pre-cursor to the next year.
All right, Andy, Dinah, and.
Oh, one of you guys already disappeared.
Someone's like I'm out.
Any Dinah. And I think it was Jennifer that had her hands up.
You guys can keep your hands up, but everyone else raise your hand.
comments, how powerful and amazing and wonderful and crazy, fun, and really just strategic
You have ever participated in prophesy your year in our community.
for the year it is.
So we are going to be doing that event again, it is on January 5th, mark your calendars.
It is not included in your subscription, it does have an extra charge because the person
who hosts it is not anyone from this community, and we have to pay them to come in.
And so it is really a great time.
But in order to prepare you for that, what I want to provide the whole community with
is a time of understanding what does it look like to hear from God and be able to receive
words from God and give them to other people.
And so we will be having a prophetic gym on the 12th where you get to practice prophesying
over each other.
We're going to have the best of the best with us.
Bethany Hicks from the Prophetic Company.
You guys are probably like, how did you get a rocker like Bethany Hicks to come in and
do this?
Well, she's my best friend.
That's how.
All right.
And so she's going to come and, you know, I tried to get one of their trainers, someone
else from the Prophetic Company, I was like, you know, you don't have to do this, let someone
else come do it.
One of your master trainers, and she's like, no, I want to do it.
And I'm like, okay, so she is going to be with us next week on the 12th and she is going
to give you a crash course on your receptors, seeing, hearing, sensing, smelling, tasting
God, all the different ways that God is talking to you every single day of your life and how
to tune into those things, not just for yourself, but for other people as well.
And so you will use that newfound knowledge for some of you.
It's not newfound knowledge.
You're just going to be practicing in the prophetic gym, kind of working out your prophetic
muscles.
So for those of you that it is newfound knowledge, you are going to be using that.
If you sign up to do prophesy your year, in fact, we're going to make it a prerequisite
for prophesy your year, that if you sign up for this year's prophesy your year, you have
to either be there live next Thursday to, you know, get that training, or you have to
at least watch the replay before you come to prophesy your year.
And the reason why is because you are going to need that information in order to really
have fun and make the most of prophesying your year.
Okay.
I know it's really cool.
So we'll be sending out the registration link for prophesy your year soon, very, very soon.
Guys, a little bit more housekeeping.
It is the holiday season, as you guys all know, but here's something you might not know.
And I know this because of what I do as a matchmaker, as a dating coach, people are
very motivated at this time of year, meet people very motivated, more motivated than
any other time of the year.
I want you to think about January in the gym, the gyms are empty until January.
And that's when everyone decides they're going to get healthy.
They're going to get fit.
This is the year.
This is it.
I'm going to do it.
Right.
And so they're packed.
In fact, I always wait to like go to the gym in March when everyone's already fallen off
and they gave up on their new year's resolutions and goals when no one's in the gym anymore.
Okay.
This is the time of year right now.
This is January in the gym, but this is like, this is the time when people are motivated
to be on the dating apps.
I know a lot of you have given up on dating apps.
You're like, they're there.
There are so many people there now that aren't usually there just like January in the gym.
Those people aren't usually there, but they should, they showed up because they really
want to try to make a change.
And so on the dating apps right now, you guys, it's not the usual suspects.
There's all kinds of different people at the parties that you might be invited to.
You might think, you know, who's going to be there.
There's all kinds of different people that are making social inroads right now at this
time of year, because they're sick and tired of being sick and tired.
They don't want to be lonely anymore.
They really want to meet someone and they're motivated at this cuffing season timeframe
to get out there.
Okay.
And so don't sleep on it.
You guys, this is the time.
Do not sleep on it.
You guys are ready.
You're ready.
You've been in the classes.
You've done the heartwork.
It's like, we've been preparing for the big game all season.
All right.
This is your super bowl of singleness.
Get out there and play the game.
I put it on my Facebook page that my daughter was the new kid on the basketball team.
This was her eighth grade year.
She transferred schools.
She always played basketball since the time she was little on a team.
And so she transferred schools and she was on the bench because the coach basically didn't
know what she could do.
They had never really seen her play very much except in practice.
And so they already had their first string starters.
And so she was on the bench and my daughter is very competitive, right?
In fact, in basketball, they gave her the nickname.
bull, the bull, because she's small, but she's mighty.
She was crashing those backboards, getting those rebounds.
She will steal that ball from you.
I mean, she will do it.
She's, she, she's a bull on defense.
And so she was on the bench and game after game, after game, she
hard at any playing time.
And I could just see her just really getting more and more and more discouraged.
I know my kid and I just watched her just, you know, her, her face just,
you know, her self-esteem, her worth, everything just kind of coming,
crashing down after, you know, three or four games of the season like this.
And so I was sitting behind her on the bleachers and I leaned down,
I whispered in her ear, Hey, stop feeling sorry for yourself.
You think that I talked to you like this?
I talked to everyone like this.
I'm a challenger.
I'm an Enneagram eight.
Okay.
I'm going to challenge you in myself to show up as our best selves.
That's what we're going to do.
And so I said, Hey, I said, stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Stop moping.
Get your head in the game.
We're feeling sorry for ourselves.
We can't pay attention to what's going on around us.
We're looking inside of ourselves.
We're not looking outside of ourselves.
We're not paying attention.
I said, pay attention to what's happening.
Know what's going on in the game.
Keep your head in the game so that when the coach does put you in,
you're ready to play.
And that's what I want to tell you guys.
It doesn't matter what's happened the entire year.
Okay.
It's time for you to get out there, meet new people.
It's time for you to try new things or try the same things with a new
perspective, a new mindset, a new heart, because it's different now.
Things are shifting.
It's a, um, a favorable season for this right now.
And so make sure that you're doing that stuff and you're
keeping your head in the game.
You're keeping your heart in the game.
And so my daughter did get the opportunities to get out there.
Someone asked me, so what happened?
Like on the comments on my Facebook post, she did eventually
get enough playing time.
The coach saw what she could do.
And in ninth grade, she was a starter.
Okay.
She was actually point guard in ninth grade.
And then her hoop drew came to an end eventually when she tore her ACL.
All right.
That's a whole different story.
We don't have to necessarily include that.
All you need to know is that she became the guard of that team and she, you
know, got to do the things that she wanted to do.
Yes.
Put me in coach a hundred percent.
Okay.
So friends do not be discouraged about what has happened in past seasons.
This is a new season.
Literally it is a holiday season.
It is a season of advent.
You know, there's so many amazing, supernatural, spiritual things that
are happening in the atmosphere during this season, and I want you to be filled
with the hope of anything is possible.
That's released that over you right now.
The hope of anything is possible, not just over your love story, but over
whatever it is that you have been waiting for and maybe sitting on the bench and
not able to fully enjoy and participate in.
And so Laura, we thank you for that.
And we thank you that now is the time your eyes are on your sons and on your
daughters, and you are giving us opportunities to show up in life.
Can't just sign up friends.
We've got to show up.
You're giving us opportunities to show up with all the things that you've
already hardwired inside of us.
The things that you've given us so that we can show up and share that, not just
with you, but also with the world.
And so, Laura, we thank you for the gift that we are to mankind.
Um, and what we're carrying in that special connection that's out there for us.
Spotlight that, let it be in Jesus name.
Amen.
All right.
Love seat time.
So we're going to start with love seats.
I said, we're going to do some icebreakers.
I think we're going to do that at the end.
We'll just do some fun things right at the end.
Um, let's see who's on here.
Uh, Bethany you're here tonight.
My trusty sidekick is here with me tonight.
So if you could grab some, um, never will I ever questions from the internet,
we'll do some fun, never will I ever.
Um, or maybe we'll do some, um, yeah, let's do some never will I ever like
you have done it or you never have done it kind of things, questions for the end
of tonight, so you guys can get to know each other better, have some laughs, pick
out the most, uh, inappropriate ones, Bethany, the funniest ones, um, couple
shocking ones in there, and then everything else can be really, you know,
just basic, basic stuff.
Okay.
Um, fun, fun, fun.
Okay.
So we're going to start with the first person on the list here.
Annie, Annie, let's go ahead and unmute you and jump in the love seat and go
ahead and friends, Annie, Dinah, Jennifer, and Mike are going to love seat.
I need the background of your question in two minutes or less.
Okay.
We can't give five minutes of backstory before we ask the question.
So less than two minutes for the entire backstory.
and question. And Annie, welcome to the loveseat. Thank you. Hi,
Jackie. Um, so I've been in a level three with Pierce for two
months, we are long distance. And I'm having trouble
discerning if I'm actually attracted to him. Or if it's
just relationship anxiety, which I've struggled with in the past.
And we see each other about once a month.
Okay, once a month is not a lot. Why are you only because of the
long distance? How long distance is it? It's about nine hours.
Wow. Okay. And when you see each other once a month, or someone
flying or driving, I'm flying and driving. I have some health
issues. So it's very difficult for me to travel. So he's been
coming to me.
Alright, so that's a green flag, right? Yeah. The fact that he's
been willing to and how long has this been going on? I'm sorry,
remind me of what you said. Um, we've been in a level three for
two months. We met. And how long have you known each other for?
Since July, end of June.
Okay, so end of June, July, so December, so five months ago,
five, five, six months ago, and you've been in a level three for
two months. And so and in those months, those early months, June,
July, was he coming to see you then as well?
Yeah, he actually lived closer to me at that point. So we had
like three dates really close together. And then he had to move
for his job. So then we went six months without seeing each
other. He came back to visit me for a weekend. We weren't sure
the distance was going to work. And I was pretty sure that he
wouldn't he was going to call it off. And then we talked about it
and agreed to try to be exclusive. We felt the Lord was
leading us that way. And
does that answer your question?
Okay. So you met him in June, July, he was more local, you had
three dates in a row, boom, boom, boom, then he moved away,
you didn't see him for six months, or six weeks. Oh, six
weeks. Okay. I was like, Wait, this math is not math. Okay.
Okay, for six weeks, you didn't see him. And then he not only to
see you again, he asked you to be his girlfriend, you guys, for
those of you that don't know what level three is, it's an
exclusive relationship. So we're no longer playing the field,
we're not dating other people, we're focused on, you know, the
potential of this relationship, where can this relationship go?
Some of you might call it boyfriend and girlfriend, you
know, and that is level three. So he asked you to be his
girlfriend, he asked you to be exclusive, and basically court
you, right? Because you're, because you're using God
language, you're like, we felt like God was leading us to make
this more exclusive and serious. Right? And we really enjoyed
spending time together, too.
Okay. All right. Okay. And so now you're wondering, am I
really attracted to him? Or am I just and so usually when people
use the word relationship anxiety, it's a reason that
they're trying to, you know, move away, not a reason why
they'd be attracted. So are you really asking, am I attracted to
him? Or? Well, I, what is really the question?
Well, I'm just like,
I am asking if you're attached. Are you asking, am I really
attracted? Or am I just anxiously attached?
That? Yeah, I guess that's, I guess that's more clear. Yeah.
Okay. Okay. So here's the thing, you guys, all of us have all of
us have dysfunction in our attachment styles, please write
that down. Even those of you that tested out as secure on our
attachment style quiz. All of us have dysfunction in our
attachment styles. Because we're not perfect people. And we
haven't come we haven't been raised by perfect people. And
there's been a lot of different things that have happened in our
lives. And we have a lot of input, especially in the area of
romance, and what it looks like to have connection and what it
looks like to make commitment. We all have thoughts about that
that are not exactly in alignment with the truth. Okay.
And so I want you guys to just kind of exhale and understand
that nothing is ever going to be perfect. I have a friend who
wrote a political book. It's if you want to check it out. It's
called politics for people who hate politics. And she talks in
that book about how no one is your political twin. Like
you're not going to believe the exact same thing about anything
as one other person. And same goes with this area of your
life. There's never going to be a romantic twin. Okay, you're
not going to ever be gelling on
every single thing and have, you know, all, all roads lead the same direction.
It's just not going to happen.
And so you have to be willing to pick your battles, choose your battles.
And you have to be willing to, um, categorize things as deal breakers,
things that are super important to you.
And in our community, we say it's a yes until it's a no.
And so if you hit one of these things, you're like, Oh, that's a deal breaker.
You know, that's, that's, that's something I feel super strongly about.
I can't compromise on this.
That's it.
That's the end.
Sorry.
It's just as this is where we have to cry.
We have to, um, go separate ways.
All right.
But those things should be very, very few and far between.
We talk about heavens, non-negotiables.
Everything else should be able to be compromised on, should be able to be
communicated with and figure out how to continue to have connection.
Right.
How do we continue to have connection past whatever this thing is?
That's not a deal breaker.
It's not one of those things that, you know, is my nope.
Can't go past that.
Right.
So this couple, they have overcome long distance new relationship.
It's not a very, it's not a very deep or, you know, long relationship, but
they've been able to overcome distance.
Right.
They've been able to overcome the fact that one person had a huge life change.
They were local, they were dating, I'm assuming enjoying it.
And then his job transferred him or he had to move far away, nine hours.
And yet they decided to stay connected.
So there's definitely some real intention here.
Isn't there.
That's good.
And so instead of asking, so Annie, what I want to say to you is I think
you're asking the wrong question.
Okay.
It's not about, am I attracted?
You know, like, am I really attracted or just, I just don't, I just don't
want to miss out on something, or I just don't want to let go of the only
thing that's been happening in my life in the romantic area, I don't
think it's, am I attracted?
Okay.
It is.
Do I want to make a commitment because attraction comes and goes, you guys.
Attraction is so hormonally based.
Please write that down.
I know that makes it sound so unromantic, but it is so hormonally based.
Okay.
So much of it is.
And so when you say attracted, um, really what you're, you're trying to
say is, do I want to make this commitment?
Is this commitment worth it?
You know, is this the person for me basically?
And do I want to invest, continue to invest my time in this, or am I just
doing this because there's no better options right now?
So, um, what do you like about him?
Besides the fact that he's willing to drive or fly nine hours to continue
to see you and he is not deterred by your health issues, what else do you like about him?
Um, I like, he plans such thoughtful dates.
He's a very thoughtful guy.
He's very sweet.
Um, he's a strong Christian.
He's very active in his faith.
He's involved in a church.
Um, he's funny.
He tells great stories.
He likes some of the things he likes, some of the things that I like, we
both like being outside and active.
Um, okay.
All right.
That's a great pro list.
In fact, you're selling him.
Oh, I'm sure there's a couple other women on here who want to marry him now.
All right.
So let's do a, let's do a con list.
Besides the fact that he lives nine hours away and you only see him once a
month, besides that, what else is a con?
What else is a con?
What is causing you to say, am I really attracted or am I just scared to be alone?
What's causing you to say that?
What's the con?
I think it's like, he's not, he's not what I pictured, but, um,
he's, um, he's not like, and this, I don't mean to sound shallow, but he's
not what I'm usually attracted to.
Um, as far as looks go.
Um, so.
Okay.
That's perfect.
Let's put a pin in that because I can't tell you how many of my love
stories that is part of the testimony, man, Jackie, before your program, I
would have never been attracted to this person.
That's not what I'm usually attracted to.
This is not what I pictured, but let me ask you a question, whatever
you were usually attracted to.
How was that working for you?
How was that working out for you?
Well, not well, um, I haven't been in that many relationships.
Um, so are you in, are you.
any way suggesting, because I don't want to put words in your mouth that you're not that
physically attracted to him? I don't know. I'm very uncertain about it. Because like you said,
attraction comes and goes. And I didn't know if that's how attraction worked. Because I listened
to all these Chris, and I should stop listening to all the people on Instagram. But they say,
oh, you should, you should really, the person you should marry, you should want to jump them
all the time. And I don't feel that way. I mean, you know, if you're on a testosterone
supplement, maybe you would want to do that. And I'm not talking to the guys, I'm talking to the
women, just so guys, just so you know, they give us women testosterone supplements for low libido as
well. So if you're if you're young, and you're in your, you know, you're in your 20s, even girls,
you know, we start to, our libido starts to go down at a certain point, I feel like a lot of
people have a surge of infatuation at the beginning of a relationship. You know, especially when they
start feeling safe. Just so you guys know, every every one of you is turned on by something
different. As far as like, oh, I'm really attracted to this person. Some of you are really attracted
to intellect or humor. That's what kind of floats your boat and get your engine running. Some of you
are attracted to kindness and compassion. Some of you are attracted to someone who makes you feel
safe and thinks of you, you know, thinks of you know, your well being and your betterment. Some
of you are just plain old attracted to like what someone looks like on the outside and their
their sexuality. You know, everyone has something different. Okay. And whatever that thing is, I'm
going to promise you this, whatever that thing is, since we all have something different.
If your relationship is based on that, even if it's a good thing, like, oh, I'm just really
attracted to this person because they're so kind, and they just love Jesus so much. And that's just
such a turn on for me, whatever it is, it's going to dissipate within less than 18 months gone.
And if you don't replace it with something deeper in the relationship,
like a true respect for this person, okay, a true honor for this person, a true like
and love for this person, then the relationship will be over with,
because what it was based on is gone. It is. And so you have to be replacing it,
you have to be growing and getting new things that you really admire about this person,
besides whatever that thing was. Does that make sense? So Annie is really new to this relationship
because there's they're only two months in, and they they only see each other once a month.
No offense, but that's not enough time to get the engine running.
It just isn't. So Annie, answer this question, honestly, are you more physically,
like more excited about the thought of him when he is away from you or when he's with you?
Maybe away.
You know why? Because it's the idea of him and not him. That's more exciting.
This is why long distances, you guys, long distance can get dangerous. You have to base
it on reality, not fantasy. It's easy to romanticize the idea of someone when they're
away. You have to pay attention to how you feel when they're there. Okay. Do you enjoy them? You
know, if they touched you, would it be, would it be an ick or would it be a good thing? Like,
you know, if they held your hand or put their arm around you, do you want to be close to them?
Are you sad when they're leaving? Do you, you know, are you going to miss them when they're gone?
You know, and you feel that way when they're with you, like dreading when they're going to
leave to go back home instead of just pining away after them when they are gone. These are things
that you really have to, you know, and, and honestly, and I'm just going to be honest with
you. It's too soon to call it. Okay. Just haven't, haven't known each other long enough.
And you, I mean, you haven't known each other long enough. Haven't been in person in proximity
with each other long enough. Now let me ask you a future question. If it was into a love story,
who's going to move where? Um, we are not sure we talked about it initially. Um, when we were,
we talked about it in the beginning and we're both kind of unsure of where that was going to go.
So we were going to revisit it in about three months. So end of December, were there any other
cons? Were there any other cons besides he's not what I pictured anything else? No. Okay.
I feel like you're not a microwave Annie. I feel like you're a confection oven,
which means you need some time to warm up. Okay.
to give yourself some time to get excited about this guy. I feel like you're not an instant
attraction girl. Okay. And so just give yourself some time. Enjoy this great green flag guy
plans. Thoughtful comes nine hours to see you once a month. Funny tells funny stories,
all this, enjoy yourself and get out of your head. Okay. Okay. Thank you. I'm not going to
worry about that. We're not going to worry about that right now. Okay. All right. I love it. Thank
you, Annie. Jumping in the seat. We really appreciate it. And for all of you raise your
hand if that was helpful for you. So you show Annie that, you know, her boldness and breakthrough is
giving you breakthrough. Who, who was that helpful for? You're like, wow. Yeah. I know I'm going to
have to put that in my back pocket and use it later. Cause I feel like I'm a confection oven
too. I'm not a microwave. All right. That's good. All right. Thank you so much. All right.
Hands down, except for our love seat folks for right now, we'll do some hands up in a minute.
Dinah who's in the kitchen with Dinah Dinah, where are you at? Hey there. I'm mute yourself.
I hear me. Awesome. Well, I see. Yes. I got a housewarming gift when I bought this place,
that spoon that says someone's in the kitchen with, so I love that. I love that. I love it.
Where does that come from? I just know it it's in my head, but I have no idea where it comes from.
It's like an old, like an old Southern, like folk song. You know, it's, it's the song that
transitions into working on the railroad. Someone's in the kitchen with goes like B5,
O5 bum. And then it goes, I've been working on the, anyway, I don't know. I don't know being
from Texas. It's not like an inappropriate song. Like, like, Oh, Hey, who's in the kitchen with
Dinah? Like, what are they doing in there? Like, it's not that kind of song. Not to my knowledge.
I was tortured by it as a kid. So that kids all knew it. I think we're safe that it's not like,
um, but maybe we always find out that our fairy tales in the nursery rhymes that we love are like
about the bubonic plague or something. And they're like, Oh my God, my whole life is a lie. Okay.
All right. So Dinah, what do you got? Okay. All right. So, um, Bethany actually suggested I come
in and do this sort of as a PSA for everybody. So I have two questions. So like a one and a one B.
So when we were doing weekly check-ins, somebody in the group posted that she was just kind of
lamenting that the guys that are godly on their profile don't want to wait for sex and meeting
until marriage. And so I chimed in and said, well, I'm not really having this issue. And the reason
not is because I'm not bringing it up in the app or on the first date, you know, um, because you
and I talked on an ask Jackie once where you said, I'd asked, like, should I share with them that
I've invested in fertility treatments and stuff like that? And you're like, no, you don't even
know this person. That sounds like you're asking for a sperm donor. And so I reeled it in on some
of the like hard hitting questions early on. Right. And I feel like that's working great.
And so Bethany said, I think you should ask this in the group. So my, my question one is how long
into dating someone should we wait to bring up the whole waiting for marriage thing? And then
my second question, because I have been on a few dates with someone is when you meet someone in the
wild, like, I haven't brought this up to him because we met in the wild. We haven't even
talked about our faith yet. Like I didn't have a dating profile to go from to see if he checked
the boxes. Right. So, um, my, so the two questions are when you meet someone in the wild,
how do you bring up talking about faith without, I just don't want him to feel like there's a right
or wrong answer. Like, okay, do you go to church? Yes or no. Is Jesus your Lord and savior? You
know what I mean? Like, I want to like open it up naturally. He asks me about church and like,
how was church today? So he's not like scared or talking about it, but anyway, so that's question
one. Number two is how long into dating someone before we discuss sex and no sex conversations.
I love all these questions, Dinah. So let me ask you a question. Um, so he's asking you how church
was, he knows that you go to church on the weekend. Cause it's normal in relationship,
you guys, you know, even when you're getting to know someone, even if you met them in the wild
to say, Hey, what are you doing this weekend? And if you don't, most people go to church on Sundays.
And so they don't say, I'm going to do this, this, and then I'm going to go to church on Sunday.
Then they probably don't go to church. Okay. That's just a given. They probably don't. Um,
but if he's asking you how church was, cause he knows you go to church. Why wouldn't you just
return with, Hey, do you go to church? Do you have a spiritual community?
That's I haven't done that yet. Yeah. Next time I will, because he actually kind of blindsided me
with it when we were just first talking. Cause we met in the wild, started texting. I, you know,
exchange numbers, started texting, went on. Can I ask you a question where,
where in the wild did you meet him?
So if anyone's from South Texas,
they know we have a lot of German people down here,
and there's this really fun festival in New Braunfels.
It would actually be a really fun single city thing to do.
This is really fun, the New Braunfels,
the first week of November called Wurstfest,
meaning sausage.
And so it's like polka music, it's for about 10 days.
Polka music, of course, beer, sausage, dancing,
you know, a lot of shopping.
So anyway, it's really fun.
So me and a friend were there, and because it's like,
it's like Oktoberfest where you're in the big halls
and everyone just shares picnic tables.
And so we ended up sitting by them
at one of the big picnic tables
and started talking and exchanged numbers.
I love it, I'm so proud of you, that's awesome.
Okay, so even if he doesn't end up being a spirit mate,
this is a win because you guys,
we can't just meet people in spiritual contexts.
Can't just meet people at conferences and church
or even in communities like this.
There's eight plus billion people in the world, okay?
And in America, if you live here,
and I know we have some international students,
a great majority of the population identifies as Christian
in some way, shape or form, okay?
And so the chances of you running into another Christian
out there in the wild, as Dinah says, I love that, is good.
Just living your life, doing your thing.
And I feel like that's good
because you get to actually see them in a real context,
not in a contrived context.
And this is what I mean by that.
The women that were complaining to Dinah saying,
oh, I'm meeting these so-called godly guys on the apps
and then they wanna have sex, okay?
So, because if you meet someone who's talking about God
on let's just say a dating app,
you're automatically gonna assume a lot of things about them
that you shouldn't assume.
You shouldn't just assume it just because they
gave a sound bite to Jesus somewhere, okay?
The same thing with meeting someone at a church
or a spiritual event, you're gonna automatically,
whether you know it or not,
assume certain things about these people
that may or may not be true.
Like they're a Christ follower,
they have consecration in their lives,
they have a relationship with God,
they have abstinence or celibacy,
you're gonna assume that stuff.
And a lot of times if they talk the right talk,
they know scriptures and different things,
or God forbid they send you a devotional
when you start texting with them,
they start sending you devotionals every day,
you're gonna think that this guy or girl,
guys, I'm not gonna throw you under the bus,
you're gonna think this guy or girl loves Jesus,
they're not addicted to porn,
they're not doing things that they shouldn't do
in their personal life, you're gonna think that, why?
Because you're looking at gifts and not fruit.
You're not giving yourself a chance to be a fruit inspector
instead of a gift inspector.
You gotta give yourself a chance to get to know someone,
but when you meet someone in a spiritual context,
we automatically just allow them
a lot of benefit of the doubt,
which we really shouldn't, honestly, okay?
But if you meet someone at an Oktoberfest, right?
They're sitting at a picnic table,
perhaps with a pale ale,
you're gonna have the appropriate amount of skepticism
about who this person is, right?
And I don't mean that like in a closed off guarded way.
I can't tell you how many people come and they say to me,
oh, I met a person, I met him at a church conference,
we felt like it was the Lord, we dated real fast,
we got married, and then I found that there are not anyone
who I thought they were.
And that's the reason why,
because you automatically assumed a bunch of stuff
about this person that you shouldn't have
because of where you met them.
And so you guys don't do that either way.
Don't assume a bunch of bad things about people
because you didn't meet them at church,
and don't assume a bunch of good things about people
because you do meet them at a church, right?
Let's just let everyone show you who they are over time.
Let's be fruit inspectors and not gift inspectors.
Okay, so I wanted to talk about what Dinah said
about the godly guys on the apps or the godly girls.
And it was funny what she said about,
I wanna bring up fertility treatments
because I don't want this guy to think
that I'm after his sperm.
I promise you guys, I'm writing down segments for my podcast
because I'm gonna do different segments.
One of them's called 40 year old virgin.
One of them's called, is it romantic?
Just kind of looking at pop culture
and things we think are romantic,
like song lyrics or a movie clip or different things.
It's gonna be a fun podcast.
But one of the segments that I was considering is,
do I like him or do I just want his sperm?
For all you ladies that are in your dirty thirties,
you're wanting to procreate, you want a baby.
A lot of times you might be like,
yeah, I just really like him.
Do you like him or do you just want a baby?
And so we have, that's fair.
And I think all the guys are like, thank you, Jackie.
We don't wanna just be wanted for our seed.
We want to be loved, all of us.
Okay, and so that's a real thing for a lot of the ladies
that have been waiting to have a baby.
All right, so wild, no faith yet faith.
Okay, so I saw people on here saying,
oh, people in California don't go to church on Sundays.
Well, figure out something that you could say to someone.
And if you go, if you figure it out now,
go ahead and put it in the chat
for everyone else to learn from you.
If you live in California, that would tell you
whether or not this person is practicing their faith
within a community.
You guys say it with me.
They're practicing their faith within a community.
Just because someone doesn't have a spiritual community
in this moment in their life
doesn't mean they're not practicing faith.
But are they practicing faith within a community?
They changed the game.
A lot of people lost their spiritual communities.
If I was having this conversation with you pre-COVID,
we might have a different conversation.
But what I've seen from 2020 on
is a lot of people didn't go to church
for a year and a half, maybe two years.
Their church is closed.
Their church is shut down.
That's the only church that they ever went to.
They realized that they didn't really miss the church
while they weren't going to church during COVID
when everything was on lockdown.
And then they started wondering
whether that church was even the right church
for them in the first place
or whether or not those people really cared about them
because no one checked in on them
and reached out to them during the whole year and a half,
two years of lockdown.
And so now they're like men and women with that country.
Like they don't know where to go
or it's hard to find a church
or to make friends and different things when you're older.
And so this is what a lot of people are dealing with.
And then on top of that,
a lot of people are deconstructing religion.
Not their faith, religion.
They're deconstructing religion.
They no longer believe what they believed
when they went to that church.
They believe something else
and they haven't found the tribe of people
that they need for this new level
of spiritual enlightenment that they're having right now.
And so they're kind of lost.
And that's why we do Supernatural Saturday
in this community,
because a lot of you are in that category.
And I'm going to tell you,
a lot of people in the world are in this category.
So don't judge people simply by whether or not
they have a current spiritual community, right?
Get to know them,
have real conversations with them about faith,
see where they are.
You might be able to point their sails towards the wind
as far as they might feel kind of lost
about where to plug in.
There could be a lot of things happening
in those encounters with others, okay?
Let's not judge people.
Let's love people.
Wanna do that?
Let's do that.
If you guys knew about my church attendance,
some of you might quit this program.
All right.
So Dinah, he asked you, he opened the door.
So I feel like you can safely really
have any conversation with him
unless you're starting to really like him
and you're worried to ask the question
because you don't want to cross him off your roster.
Well, I mean, I get that, but not, no.
I mean, I used to be like that,
but I'm not sure if I like him.
I resonated with some of the people
that I've met in my life.
Am I resonated with some of what Annie said?
I think the attraction can grow to him.
He has a lot of positives,
but no, I'm totally on Sunday
gonna be sure I mentioned church
so that then I can kind of, you know,
I know he's working this weekend,
so I know he won't be in his home environment,
so he won't be at church,
but I can be like, hey, when you're home,
what's your normal Sunday like?
Kind of thing.
And you also can just be like, you know,
yeah, yes, I think that's good.
I think it's good.
And you guys, I think the less weird
that we make this, the better
because people either have a spiritual community,
a church, or they don't.
And if they don't, it doesn't necessarily mean
that they're not practicing faith.
And so these are bigger conversations
and we need to get to know people,
you know, enough to have these conversations.
So would that be a backup question?
So let's say that someone says,
no, I don't go to church.
Is the backup question, like,
do you have another way that you practice your faith?
Do you believe in God?
Like how hard hitting do you go?
Yeah, I mean, I think that you can ask them,
you know, how are you, you know,
are you a person of faith?
How are you practicing?
How are you practicing faith?
You know, and you can lessen it by saying,
yeah, you know, a lot of people
don't have a spiritual community
and they haven't found one that they liked.
And they may say, yeah, that's me.
Like, you know, just if you're opening up the conversation,
they'll say stuff, people will say stuff
or they'll say stuff, Dinah,
or they'll just say, they'll just volunteer right there.
Yeah, you know, I don't really know if I believe in God.
They'll just say it.
He might be like, I don't know, we move a lot,
that kind of thing.
So whether it's him or another guy, then how long,
I'm not in a hurry to ask about sex.
I feel like that tends to work itself out.
I just wanted maybe-
Oh, okay, I'm sorry.
No, no, no, I think Bethany-
I forgot that that wasn't part of your question.
Bethany was asking, how long are we waiting to bring up sex?
Okay, sorry, I didn't hear
that that was part of your question.
So here is what I teach.
This is in your phase two curriculum,
so all of you should have heard this at one point in time.
I don't think you need to talk about sex
until sex is on the table, okay?
So if you're dating this person and you start,
you guys start getting physical with each other,
there's a kiss that turns into another kiss
that turns into making out,
that's the appropriate time to be like,
hey, just so you know, this is fun,
but here's my boundary here, okay?
If the relationship is not physical,
there's no reason to bring up physicality,
absolutely known because your relationship
isn't even serious enough to even bring that up.
And I don't mean like it has to turn physical
in order to bring it up,
I just mean it has to be progressing
towards something serious,
either emotionally or physically
for you to divulge that information
because it's on a need to know basis
and they just really don't need to know.
They don't, okay?
And for those of you that are worried,
and this is what happens so often
with all you church folk, okay?
You're so worried that you're gonna get involved
with someone who wants to have sex with you
that you try to get it on the table
in the first couple of days,
it's like, well, by the way,
I'm not having sex till I'm married
and you don't even give them a chance to get to know you
and you're like putting down all these deal breakers
and never will I evers and all the things,
that is not the appropriate time to bring up sex.
And just so you know, if you do bring up sex,
even if they're also celibate,
which hopefully they're thinking of sex sacredly
the same way you are
because sex can really cause a lot of confusion.
That's why God said, don't do it, okay?
Because it's very confusing.
It introduces all kinds of shame
and all different types of things
when it is not appropriately honored.
You gotta honor sex within covenant.
It's not just about doing it in covenant,
it's about honoring the power of it.
It's powerful and it is just as powerful
to connect in covenant
as it is to disconnect out of covenant.
And so you really have to get a revelation of that, okay?
A lot of people don't have a revelation of that.
You gotta get a revelation of that.
I wanted to ask you guys a question.
Let's just go down the sex trail for a second.
You see that our society is saturated with sex, right?
Everywhere you look.
I was at a Pilates video
and the music that they were playing in there was so foul.
You guys, I'm not a prude,
but this music was so graphic, so pornographic,
so foul, so explicit
that I was embarrassed for the people
that I was doing Pilates with
that we had to listen to this together, okay?
I mean, wow.
And why do you think middle-aged white women
wanna listen to this music while they're doing Pilates?
I'm not really sure.
But the bottom line is,
if sex wasn't powerful
and it didn't have the power to destroy,
why would it be so rampant?
In culture.
Think about that for a second.
Why?
Why would it be everywhere you look?
Why would it be that way if it wasn't important?
I agree.
Okay?
And so definitely keep that in mind
if you are one of those people
that's downplaying sex as no big deal.
So let's not bring up sex
unless this relationship has progressed
to a level where intimacy is on the table, okay?
Where intimacy is gonna be on the table.
Can I tell one-
Just enjoy getting to know someone.
I agree, and I don't ask.
So I think it was more Bethany wanted me to ask
so that you would kind of give the group the answer.
But I would like to tell a testimony of a year,
three, four years ago, I dated a Christian guy,
but he was recently divorced.
So he was used to having sex.
So when we started to talk about this,
I told him that it was a wait for me.
And he was like, oh, oh,
feathers all ruffled and said, I don't think I could do that.
So I went home for the night and then the next day he said, Hey, I prayed about it.
And if that, you know, I would, you know, I would commit to that.
So, I mean, he might answer, no, right out the bat, if I had asked him six weeks before,
you know, but because he was invested in me and, and had prayed about it,
you know, so that's why I don't ask right away. I think it doesn't matter until you
get to where it's an issue.
Yeah. I mean, most people aren't going to want to be in relationship with someone who doesn't
hold that that same conviction. So when you do start talking about it to me, it's a yellow flag.
If you get to the place of connection with someone where it actually becomes a natural topic,
because it just, it comes up because it's time to talk about it. And you, you know,
lay down your boundary and to say, Hey, this is what I believe. And they're like, well,
you know, I don't believe that, but you know, I'll respect that boundary for you.
No, that's a yellow flag for me. That's a yellow flag for me. What do you mean? You don't believe
that. Okay. What other parts of the Bible don't you believe? Okay. Then we have to have an even
bigger conversation, obviously picking and choosing what you like and don't like. And
that's going to be a real problem. If we get married and have kids together and we're raising
them. So, um, so don't just be like, well, you know, he's really honoring my boundary or she's
really honoring. And I know we think it's always the guys that want to get us in bed. I can't tell
you how many men have testified to me that women have tried to seduce them, get them in bed.
They've let them know, Hey, I'm not having sex until marriage. And it's like game on,
right. Trying to use her female wilds now to try to get this man to, you know, change his mind about
that. So don't think that it's just guys because it ain't for sure. All right. Thank you so much,
Dinah, for asking those questions for everyone. Um, we appreciate you volunteering, uh, to do
that for us and, uh, raise your hand. If that was a helpful conversation, if there was even one
little nugget in there that you're like, yeah, that's helpful to know. And that's going to help
me in the future. I'm going to put that in my little file cabinet and keep it. Okay. All right.
Good. We want to know that we're helping. All right. So, um, next in line next up is we'll
take a guy and then Jennifer will be next Mike you're up. What is, what is your question?
Um, well, I had a couple, I added a couple of, since we just had this conversation, I do have
to say I've been on like 10 first dates and six of them, I ended up seeing nakedness and trying
to seduce things, which, which was so stunning to me for Christians. Right. You know? And so,
which is one of the reasons I'm reticent to date people.
Okay. Wait, wait, wait. So these, these, um, six of them, these chicks literally like boobs out or
something. Like I just, I just, or, uh, inappropriate, extreme. Well, that was one.
Um, no, I turned around and like one was naked. Like that was, um, that was interesting. And so
I just like, no, I know it was like, yeah, it was like, well, so then I, then you actually said
something about my, um, might be choosing people incorrectly. So I kind of adapted that, but, um,
I did date well from Bethel. Wait one second, ladies, ladies, I want you to see that. I know
that because, you know, we really vilify men. It's always men. It's men. It's men. I want you
to hear that because that is not, that is not a uncommon story. I can't tell you how many men
that are really trying to do things. They know, uh, is the righteous way to do things. And,
you know, there's constant seduction coming their way to try to get them to compromise
on their values in this area. So it's important for us to see that, right, Mike, go ahead.
Well, and then, so I did, so this is, this kind of led from the previous things like, you know,
date. Well, one of the things they were saying to put a woman at ease, you know, cause I'm like,
it's, it's, you're not dating until marriage. It's a deal breaker for me because it's hard
enough to keep the fire in the fireplace when somebody's stoking it. Right. And so, um, but
they were talking about like right up front to put the woman at ease to like, just say this isn't in
the card so they can relax and enjoy the joy of the time. So that was just, I wouldn't do that.
No, no, no. So I just wanted to clarify that. When you say they say that, who are they?
Oh, who is it from Bethel? Um, I forget his name. There's two of them, but okay. So some
leaders said that it was through moral revolution. Not a good idea. Yeah. Okay. Let me tell you why
that's not a good idea. That's a very churchy idea.
idea. Um, let me tell you why that's not a good idea. Okay.
And this is why, because once we bring up the subject of sex,
what you might be feeling like you're putting someone at ease,
but really what you've done is now you've opened Pandora's box. Okay.
Once the subject, once the,
once the seal is broken on this subject within, you know,
two people knowing each other and meeting each other. Now,
the subject is open. We don't have to talk about sex, right?
We're not even romantically paired. We're just getting to know each other.
There isn't any reason to take it to that level.
And so I completely disagree with that. I think that, um, once again,
the church and I'm not down in whoever said this, you guys,
please don't hear what I said. If you know who said this, you're like,
they're my favorite person. Okay, great. Wonderful.
But here's the problem with the church is the problem with the church as a
whole.
They have made men and women feel like all we could ever be to each other are
sex partners. Okay. If there's not a romantic relationship,
there's not any relationship. And that is not true.
It isn't. And that's what this community is. All right.
Even if you're not spirit mates, you know, you are friends, you know,
you are people that are adding value to each other is very possible for men and
women to be with each other for purposes that are non-sexual.
And I think that when we make it all about, is it a romance? Is it not?
Is it sexual? Is it not? Then we take the stakes up to a place of pressure.
Well,
now I can't even get to know this person because now it's all about whether or
not we're going to be romantically paired or not.
And let's stop doing that. Okay. All right. Go ahead, Mike.
Thanks for clarifying. Sorry. Like, um,
actually their advice hasn't worked so good for me. So I've been unlearning it,
but, um, and the other thing, um, like,
I just wanted to validate is the, um, the question of,
is this person like actually want a relationship with me?
Are they looking to have kids? I mean, that's,
I know a lot of guys that struggle with that because they find people that
they're really like, but they're it's, and that's a hard,
that's also a hard line. But my question was, is, um, you know,
I keep running into, I keep running into my, hit my head on a couple of things.
Uh, one is the shared, shared parenting is really, um,
a lot of people who I've connected with,
we both have shared parenting, so it doesn't work. And then, um, or,
um, you know, my ex and I decided we weren't having any more kids.
So I got snipped. So that like, um,
it's awkward things to bring up, but it ends up crashing. And like,
it just means it ends up being the deal breaker. Um,
okay. So is your question, how,
how soon you should mention to someone of childbearing age that you have,
how do you, how do you approach that in a non clunky just way?
Right. You know, because it's, it's, it's something that needs to be brought up,
but not, um, I just, it's, it's blown up a lot of things.
And I'm just trying to see how to navigate it better. Maybe.
Well, let me ask you a question. Can I, I mean, you, you know,
you brought it up. So am I able to ask you a personal question?
Yeah, sure. Are you, are you willing to reverse it?
It's been so long. I don't know if it's possible
after a certain amount of time, after a certain amount of time,
the rate goes like to the, and I know God's.
How many years, how many years has it been?
16.
Okay. Yeah. After 10 years, it,
the possibility of it being reversed is definitely, um, slim to none.
So here's, here's the deal at how are you again? Mike remind me.
I'm 49.
Okay. Yeah. We're the same age. When do you turn 50?
In a long time in August. So I got a ways.
Okay. All right. I'm a true 50. All my friends are turning 50.
So excited this new decade, Jubilee, all the things so fun.
If you're turning 50 within the next 12 months, raise your hand.
I want to see all the people that are turning 50 within the next 12 months.
If your birthday was in with the next 12 months, and you're going to be five,
zero, not that all the other fives are great.
Not that the forties are great thirties.
I just want to see who on here is going to be 50 years old.
So just three, there's three people that are here tonight for four people for,
and then Mike is five me. I'm six. Oh, some people just turned 50.
I mean, it's in the last, within the last 12 months.
So within 12 months, either before now or after now, you turn 50.
Let's see all those hands.
Let me make it easier for you. If you were born in 74 or 75,
raise your hand.
You're born in 74 or 75. Okay.
Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. I want to include 76 in there too. Yeah. Let's just take a look. 76 too.
Cause you're going to be right on the heels. All right. Okay. Fun, fun, fun, fun. Okay.
You put your hands down. Okay. So let's discuss this. Now you're nine years old. Okay. And that
means that, you know, the age bracket normally would be attracting and really looking at as
viable. Um, you know, God can do anything. You guys I've seen may, December romances.
One of my best friends is married to someone who's 25 years older than her.
All kinds of crazy stuff happens in the, you know, in the love department with God. So not
asking anything out, but regularly, practically the age bracket that you're going to be in could
include women that are hoping for a biological baby, you know, people that are in their late
thirties, early forties, um, hoping that they're still going to be able to have a biological baby.
And so I think that what would be fair is that if you meet a woman that is in that age bracket,
not someone who's your age, trust me, most women, your age are not hoping for a baby.
Okay. Um, but women that are in their earlier forties, okay. Mid to early forties, late thirties.
Okay. If you meet them and you're getting to know them, I think that as you're getting to
know them, you can talk to them, you know, you can ask them questions about their hopes and dreams.
Okay. And when I usually get to it fairly early dreams. Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't bring up,
I have a vasectomy. I wouldn't do that right away because a lot of people, a lot of, a lot of people,
um, they just know that they want to be mothers. They just, you know, they think that that needs
to happen biologically, but it may not happen that way. It may happen through a blended family.
It may happen through adoption. It could happen a lot of different ways. So I definitely would
not lead with that. And you guys, this is another thing that, um, I want to put in this category.
I know, I know vasectomy is not a venereal disease, but if you have an incurable STD,
that is also not something that people need to know right away about you.
Okay. A lot of people want to lead with all of their, you know, all the things that they think
are going to be deal breakers for people, you know, and do not lead with that. If you have some
sort of, if you, if you were sick and now you're not sick, like you had cancer or another disease,
but now you're in remission and you're doing well, you don't lead with these things. It's
not necessary to do that. Let this person get to know you before you give them reasons to
not want to get to know you. Cause that's what you're doing, right? You're saying,
Oh, I just want to put it all on the table, show you all the reasons why, you know, you might not
want to choose me. And then if you don't, okay, I'm not going to get hurt because we don't even
know each other yet. Don't do that. Let someone get to know you. You'd be amazed at what changes
in people's hearts or their minds to get to know people and fall in love with people, what they
thought that they didn't want. Now they do want. And so you have to give people the opportunity to
get to know you. All right. So Mike, do not lead with that conversation. Get to know someone.
If you know that they're just going to die. If they don't have biological children from getting
to know them, then you can share that, but not until then. So I had a second question
kind of went with, I think it was Annie that started off, right?
So really quick, really quick. Like, okay. You say long distance. So I, so I I've been
really reticent to do long distance. Cause it just seems to horrific, but like just getting
to know somebody like, like you say, you need to meet them in what a couple of weeks or like
within a month or something of like, can you just go through the process of like, even trying to
see if it works. Cause I don't even want to, it's like, I, I, I'm not spinning it out well,
but like, well, first of all, Mike, we are, we already know about you, Mike, because of the
dating game that you can't relocate. And so this is one thing you guys here's the, this is one
thing. Remember how I just said, you know, there are things that you don't have to put on the
table, all your dirty laundry, all your past, you know, maybe used to have an addiction that you
don't have anymore, whatever. But one thing that you do have to talk about really early on,
if you're long distance is whether or not you're willing, you're, you're able to relocate.
If you're not able to relocate, that's something that they need to know right away.
Especially if it's, it's not that I just don't want to relocate. I can't, I have kids. I have
a shared parenting agreement. I'd have to leave my children in order to come be with you. That's
a deal breaker. That's an immediate deal breaker. That's a non-negotiable. Mike can't move. He lives
in the San Francisco area. Okay. He can't. So whoever would end up with him would have to either
be local to there or.
or they would have to move there.
And so that is what you need to focus on, Mike.
If you're talking to people that are long distance,
and I really don't like that for you,
I really would love it if you would just talk to,
so let's get you some local people to talk to,
people that are in California, in proximity,
at least within driving distance,
because I think that long distance
hasn't been working out for you
because you can't relocate.
I will tell you that most women do intend to relocate, too.
They're thinking that the man is gonna relocate.
I'm in Reading all the time, so, yeah.
Paul, but you can't relocate there.
No, no, I mean, that's the whole point, is that, yeah.
That's one of the, so, cool, thank you, and I just,
and like, just- Oh, you mean like, yeah,
you could date someone through there.
Ladies, raise your hand if you really think
it's the man who should relocate.
Don't lie to us, because I talk to a lot of women,
and they're like, well, you know, I could relocate,
but I think that, you know,
I'm hoping that the guy's gonna relocate to me.
Let's see your hands.
Not one of you trying to make me lie in here.
I talk to so many people,
and that is exactly what they say
when I am trying to make introductions.
They're like, can you relocate?
Well, I could, but, you know,
I want to meet a guy who would, you know,
if it's long distance, that he would relocate me.
All right, so, there's a couple women here
that fit that category.
Okay, so, do not talk to anyone
that is not willing to live wherever you need to live, Mike,
because it's just a waste of your time.
Yeah, that's what I'm learning.
Until your son is grown up.
Yep.
Thank you.
Until your son is grown up.
We appreciate it.
We appreciate the questions.
Jennifer.
Hi.
So, my question,
well, I broke up with my boyfriend this past weekend.
We were dating for months.
Same age, wanted the same thing.
Like marriage, family.
We met on In the Wild, Christian Pickleball League.
And at first, kind of typical,
like I was dating some other guys.
He wasn't my type.
He was bald and I wasn't super attracted to him,
but gave him a chance.
And all my friends loved him
because he was intentional and kind
and just direct and didn't play games
and all the things that we kind of want, right?
And so, we became exclusive and dated,
well, the four months.
So, the first three months were really great.
We spent a ton of time together.
Core value of mine is God being
at the center of my relationship.
And so, when I didn't start to see that necessarily in him,
I did bring it up and raise that as an issue.
And he was like, I don't know why you're concerned.
I said I was a Christian
and it's a priority for me as well.
So, kind of dug into that a little bit more
and I'm like, well, just examples of that would be like,
it's not indicative of a relationship with God,
but it certainly points to him being a priority
is going to church, reading the word, things like that.
And we haven't really dug into that on a deeper level.
But anyway, as time kind of went on,
I would ask him to go to church.
A couple of times he said yes, sometimes he would say no.
And I just didn't see that as,
I just didn't see, his character is lovely
and I see all the fruits of peace, patience, kindness,
gentleness, self-control type of thing,
but I don't believe he really has
a relationship with the Lord, to know his nature
or to go sort of that,
like a depth of relationship with him.
And then, so that was always sort of the concern for me.
And then I would sort of overanalyze spiral of like,
can I do this forever?
What is it gonna look like moving forward?
So that was kind of my first red flag.
And then the second one was just,
he couldn't communicate.
I know that's typical with men,
but it was more of the like, I couldn't get in deeper.
And so for me to like fall in love with someone,
to connect, I need to connect with their heart.
And I just would always sort of hit a wall
when I was trying to get anywhere deeper with them.
So that sort of spiraled into us.
Yeah, go ahead.
A deeper communicating about what subjects, any?
Anything, honestly, like neither one of us,
like for instance, we didn't grow up with.
father. And so like, knowing what that was like for myself,
like, I've tried to ask him about it a little bit. You know,
how he experienced it, how that affected him. And like, he, he,
he was, he's almost like surprised by the question. He's
like, well, I had a grandfather around. And I'm like, yeah, I
did as well. And, you know, and I knew my grandfather loved me,
but it was still a different experience of just not having
that sense of like, identity and security of, you know, having a
father to, to raise you or speak into your life. And so it so
things like that, and just like, what's your childhood like what
your previous relationships, he had a six year relationship, and
I couldn't get past of like, well, why did it end? And it
was simply like, well, she wasn't the one. And I'm like,
okay, well, I'm sure there was more to it than that. But he
just can't like, it's almost like he just hits a wall with
any sort of deeper type of question.
Wait, so you broke up?
We did.
Okay. And how long ago was that?
Saturday.
Okay, so fresh, fresh,
very fresh. And it was the attack. So obviously not ideal.
So I haven't seen
I know you're hurting. So when you broke up with him, because
you broke up with him, and when you broke up with him, what
language did you use? What did you give as the reason after
four months to break up?
So it was obviously not ideal. So over the holidays, I was
visiting
friends. And I could I had had. So the previous weekend, I, it
was sort of last minute, but I invited him to go to church with
me. He said he couldn't do the first one because he was going
to the gym. And then second service, he was like, it's like
lunchtime, like, I don't want to do that service. And I was
like, Okay, so we didn't have communication after that things
fell off. And then on Monday, I was leaving to go out of town.
And I was like, Do you want to come over and say goodbye? And
he's like, Yes, we drove over. It's like goodbye. And I kind of
just burst into tears. And I'm like, I really, you know, wish
you would have been honest with me when I asked you early on if
God was a priority in your life, because I'm like, I'm just not
seeing it. And I don't know how to move forward without him
being at the center of our relationship or knowing that at
least you have a desire to grow and put him there. And so
question. Yeah. But when you said when you said that to him,
okay, so hopefully everyone's following the story. Okay, you
understand you're keeping up. When you said that, you know, I
wish that you would have been honest with me about God, you
know, being a priority in your life. What was his answer to
that? Did he answer you? Or did he shut down?
He shut down a little bit. And it was just like, you expect me
to be a certain type of man, I think that you like you have in
your mind this type of Christian man that you're supposed to be
with. And I'm like, No, I'm like, I don't need you to be me
per se. But I'm like, I just need to know that there is a
dead sire and a desire for growth. But he did sort of shut
down and got a little defensive. Okay.
Okay. So everyone, and this isn't about necessarily
Jennifer's situation, but this is for all of you. Okay, just
for the purpose of an example for learning that, you know,
church attendance, in my opinion, does not is not
indicative of spiritual desire. Okay, not in this day and age.
There's a lot of churches that will actually stunt your
spiritual growth if you go to them. And I don't hate the local
church. I don't want you guys to hear what I'm not saying. But
I have had the privilege to work on staff for churches, to go to
lots of churches for the purpose of me being on the platform to
minister and to cross denominational lines
everywhere. And there are churches that are going after
growth that are really healthy spiritual communities where
people are growing and getting breakthrough. And there are
spiritual communities or churches that are church
incorporated church, Inc, their businesses, and it's all about
the money. It's all about getting butts in the seats.
It's like big pharma. They make you sick by teaching you
legalism so that you will continue to come back to them
for the cure. It's a real problem. Okay. And so people are
deconstructing religion right now. They really are. They're
deconstructing, not their faith, but they're reconstructed.
They're deconstructing a faith that has been sold to them
that's making them sick. And a lot of people don't even want to
get involved in churches because of some kind of past experience.
And so Jennifer doesn't know what this guy's past experience
is with church or with, you know, any of this because he's
not opening up. Right, right. And I will tell you that this
type of dynamic between the two of you
So it's not likely that he would open up with you
because he feels judged by you.
It's sad that it has to end,
but there are people who can receive grace
to date and even marry people
that are not traditionally Christians.
And what I mean by traditionally Christians,
what we would measure the metrics of,
oh, they know these scriptures
and they go to church this many times
and they serve at their church,
or they pray this way,
or they pray to God this many times.
Guys, those days are really over.
They really, really are, okay?
And it was never the metric in the first place, okay?
And the early church and the birth of the church
in the book of Acts,
nothing that we have nowadays
looks like that type of family and community.
And hopefully we can get back to that.
I feel like our generation is called
to create places like this where people can learn
and they can grow and they can feel seen, known and loved.
And it's not about any kind of agenda
on the part of the business that is the church
to get us to do a certain thing and act a certain way.
And so if you cannot have understanding and grace,
this is nothing on Jennifer, okay?
If you cannot have understanding and grace
for someone who does not worship the way you do,
they're not engaging God in their faith
the same way that you've been taught.
Sometimes you've been taught is the only way to engage.
Because I run into this in Simba all the time,
save your marriage before it starts,
which by the way is our premarital course.
If you are premarital and you want to take that course,
email us.
But there's a whole section on spirituality
and the people that come to the course,
they have to talk about what's our spiritual life
gonna look like together?
What's it look like?
I will tell you, my husband does not worship the Lord
the way I do at all.
David was raised in the church, I wasn't.
He went to Christian school, he was raised in the church.
He was on staff at a mega church for 15 years.
He went to that church for 27 years.
He met his wife in the youth group, his first wife.
They got married, they both worked at the church.
He was the youth pastor of that mega church.
He was the worship pastor of that mega church.
He was in full-time ministry.
We don't have the same background.
I met Jesus in my 20s, I was a train wreck, okay?
I had all kinds of issues and addictions and problems
and that's why the heart work exists, you guys.
So you can thank all of my torn up past for the heart work.
But the bottom line is, is that by the time David and I met
and married, I was not just a believer,
but I was a radical believer.
I had a conversion experience in my 20s
and I had been serving God and following Jesus
in a way that a lot of people don't.
Like really following him.
It's not about my church attendance,
not about anything, it's about me and Jesus.
It's about a personal relationship
that he continues to fill my life with mentors.
He continues to fill my life with upgrades
and opportunities for upgrades
that look like nothing to do with church, okay?
As that's happening, okay, I meet David
and I'm already walking with Jesus for what,
12, 13, 14 years by then.
I've been with walking with Jesus for 28 years now.
But even though my husband is also a very strong Christian,
our faith does not look anything alike.
The way he worships God, when I first married him,
I'm like, are you even saved?
Seriously.
I mean, you don't intercede,
you don't seem to have any compassion
for the poor or the widow.
Like what's going on with you?
Like, you've been in church way longer than me.
You know, what about this?
What about that?
And I was judging him
and I was judging his relationship with God
and his worship based on gift sets
and things that I thought should be on the outside
as far as different things, okay?
But this man is loyal and faithful.
When it was important, he knew what God was saying.
He is wise.
He has the gifts of wisdom and the gifts of faith.
You know, music is where he connects to God.
One of the questions is, how do you connect to God?
Some people connect to God in nature.
Some people connect to God in music.
Some people connect to God in study of the word.
Some people connect to God best in prayer.
And so it's really important to understand
that we are all very, very different
and we cannot judge other people's, you know, worship.
We can't judge other people's worship
because they don't worship the way that we worship.
And once again, it's not about Jennifer.
Okay, this is about, there are a lot of people out there
that they want to not to God,
wanna be connected to his people.
But if we insist that they connect to us,
not even just romantically,
but if we insist that they connect to us
in a way that we think is the proper or right way
to show that they are, you know,
a God person or a Christ follower,
then we're gonna be missing out on some of the things
that are gonna be happening in this new wave.
Okay, there's a new wave coming of kingdom people,
and they're not gonna be church people.
Okay, they're not.
There's gonna be spiritual communities that rise up
that have nothing to do with buildings.
They have to do with different paths that people are on,
like business, you guys.
I learn more with the business group that I'm involved with
about God and about his grace and about his wisdom
and prophecy and all different things
than I have ever learned inside the walls of a church.
Okay, there's just so much.
And so for those of you that love the church,
you love the local church,
you actually have a spiritual community
that you call church that is healthy and thriving,
good on you.
But there's lots and lots and lots of people who don't.
There's lots of people that have been abused
by that entity in that institution,
and they are never gonna darken the doors
of anything that even smells like that again.
There's just so much going on here.
And the reason why I'm telling you guys this
is because some of you in this great harvest
that's coming in, okay,
there are gonna be people that are your spirit mates.
They have all the potential to walk this assignment
of your life out with you in love and in humility,
but you might turn your nose up at them
if you have an idea, just like Andy said,
he doesn't look the way I thought,
but a lot of you are picturing a spiritual thing too.
And if they don't, if they're not the way you think
it should look spiritually,
you're not gonna pay attention.
And so I really wanna encourage you to follow peace
when you're out there.
If you're someone that has the grace to receive the word,
to be able to be with people that are mavericks
and that are not like the norm when it comes to faith,
if you're one of those people that can receive that word,
then I really want to just encourage you.
As far as you're concerned, Jennifer,
lots of things going on here.
This is someone who definitely is not emotionally,
is not connected to their emotions.
They're not able to trust and let someone in deeper.
Like he's not letting you in, okay?
He's not letting, you've been dating for four months
and you wanna go deep.
Here's one thing I want you to know about yourself.
Write this down.
You're a deep person, okay?
And you need a partner who you can go deep with.
You wanna talk about deep feelings.
I wrote all this stuff down, you said.
You want to, I almost call it therapy talk.
You wanna go deep into inner healing
and how did that make you feel?
And like, you wanna know this person intimately,
like really intimately.
There are some questions here that,
I've been married for 17 years
and I don't know about my husband
because we just discover each other constantly.
It's just such a beautiful experience
to be able to discover each other more and more and more.
I just recently told my husband a story from my childhood
that he had never heard.
He's been married to me for 17 years.
He's like, babe, I never heard that story before.
And I was like, yeah, I just didn't feel
like sharing it before now, but you know,
it's healing in this moment.
You guys be willing to allow things to really just unfold
and don't need to have it all at the beginning, okay?
And so Jennifer, you are hurting right now.
That means that you definitely had a strong connection.
Is he hurting?
Probably. Do you know?
I haven't.
Was he, do you feel like he was brokenhearted
when you broke up with him?
Did he try to get you not to, I guess is what I want to say.
No, I think he got frustrated.
I just asked if he decided to grow in our relationship
in general and wanted to continue dating.
And we just kept, he just said, yeah.
And for me, I needed, I think, a little sense of security
and it's just like, I would get one word answers.
And so I'm like, I'm really not convinced, I think,
by the lack of sort of emotion
or like desire to continue dating.
And I asked him like, do you want to break up?
Like, it's okay if you do.
And he's like, just getting frustrated.
And he's like, I guess at this point it might be best.
So that's cool.
of how we left it. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So there's, there's just a whole lot going on there.
And as far as, you know, him feeling like, you know, basically he's not what you're looking for.
Right. He, he knows that you want him to be something that he does not feel equipped to be.
And so that's very frustrating because I'm sure that he cares about you. You seem like an amazing
girl. And so, you know, being with someone who is further along in their faith expression and
that they're able to really, you know, share that with you and be able to be in that with you,
whether it's at a church or not. I think that makes more sense for you at this time. And so
what I'm going to ask you to do as you're healing, this is you know, when you meet someone,
you should just know this about yourself and just go ahead and make it a non-negotiable.
Just go ahead and make it a non-negotiable. It's okay. You know this is, this is, this is what
you have grace for you guys. We all have grace for something different. You know that, right?
I have a friend. Okay. She's a close friend. She's part of that business thing that I told
you guys about just now. And I know her in that context, but her husband's never at that thing.
Until just recently, he was there a couple of times, but I hadn't met him yet is what I want
to say, but I had met her. She's actually a veterinarian. She's very successful. She's amazing.
And, and just really loves God. Like I saw her in so many spiritual contexts because we
have spiritual contacts together at some of these conferences and different things.
And she's just an incredible person and lover of God. We happen to be on the same plane because
we both live in Austin, Texas. We happen to be on the same plane going home from one of
these conferences. And I'll never forget this conversation. I think it's important for all
of you as we close up tonight, we'll go ahead and do that. Never will I ever, Bethany, if you're
ready, we'll do that for just a couple of minutes, just to end on a fun note. But she was, I got to
my gate and there she was. And I'm like, oh, you're on my plane. And I sat down next to her
and, you know, we started talking, we started having a deeper conversation because we're not
surrounded by other people. We're not at a conference. There's not a million things going on.
And so I started saying, Hey, you know, what's your husband like? And I started, you know,
asking her questions and different things. And she said you know, I said, I, you know,
I never see him in anything. She goes, yeah, he's agnostic. And for those of you that don't know
what that means, that's someone who really hasn't made up their mind about whether God is real or
not. Okay. And I said, oh, I said I said, did you, and you guys, this is, this is me. Like I said
this and I'm going to admit to you that I said it. And maybe you guys would have said this too.
I know her as this amazing, vibrant, spiritually alive person. And I said to her, I said, oh, I
said, did you guys get married young? Like, did you meet Jesus after you got married?
And she got super offended. And she's like, yeah, she's like, no, actually what she said was Jackie,
I really like you so much. She's like, please don't be like that.
And I was like, what, like what, like what, you know, it's, I mean, I offend people,
you guys, I'm a really direct person. So I'm like, what, like, what did I say? She goes,
don't be like that. I said like, what she's like, like, I couldn't love him and fall in love with
him and marry him just because he's not exactly like us kind of thing. And I was like, okay,
this is new to me. We'll have this conversation. And so we begin to have a conversation about how,
you know, she met him, you know, she didn't marry him out of desperation. They've been married for
a long time, by the way, y'all they've been married for like 20 years and he's an amazing
guy. I ended up meeting him. He came to the next thing. And then, and then they were at church
together and I met him there and all the different things that were happening. And basically she said,
look, she's like, I know that we're not supposed to be unequally yoked and all the things she's
like, but God knows things about him that I don't know about him. And I will tell you that from the
very first moment I ever met him, I just had a piece that, you know, this was the man for me to
marry and my partner. And she said, and he's been an amazing partner. She said, he has shown me more
grace and more love than anyone I've ever met in my life. She said, he supports me in everything.
She said, spiritually speaking, she said he has had more wisdom. And so basically even he doesn't
really know if this is someone who actually has had a God experience and has now become skeptical
about some things in his life because of, you know, things that have happened and experiences
that he's had.
but she has the grace to be in partnership with this man and to move forward. And I know for
those of you that are like, wow, you know, I don't know, blah, blah, blah. Well, the Corinthians had
the same grace. And Paul even said, Hey, if your spouses want to stay with you, even though your
expression of faith, you know, has become this Christianity and following Jesus, but they are
happy to dwell with you in peace, then do it. Right. And so I just want to let you know,
different strokes for different folks. We cannot judge other people's, um, assignments. We can't
judge other people's graces. Um, we can't make sense of it. There's so many different scriptures
about these topics, and we really don't know people's hearts only God does. And so it's
really important. I'm not telling you to go out there and missionary date. So please don't take
that from this. I hate that phrase, missionary dating. I will tell you that we all have different
grace. And when we are close to God, and when we are listening to God, he will give us grace to do
things that maybe other people might raise their eyebrows at, but you know what? It's not their
assignment and journey. It's yours. And so I'm just hoping that that will help someone along
the line, Jennifer, we're praying for you as you navigate this. Um, do not be afraid to get with
God in this season and really allow him to give you non-negotiables that are from heaven and to
stick with that. Um, as you navigate, you know, towards, uh, get married in, you know, as you
navigate towards meeting people and meeting your spirit mate and getting married, um, you know,
there, there isn't a reason to, uh, to do anything that you don't have grace for hoping that it'll
change or it'll be different. We don't want to do that. And we also, if we do have grace for
something, we want to go ahead and receive that grace instead of pushing it away because of a
religious consciousness. You guys, if God's giving you grace, don't argue with peace in your heart
because you have legalistic, um, anxiety in your head. It doesn't matter what your head says. Well,
what's your heart say? If you have peace in your heart, you know, you have a relationship with
Jesus. You have peace in your heart. You know, you're navigating something, you know, go with
the peace in your heart, allow God to defend you, allow God to, you know, continue to order your
steps and don't try to spiritualize it away. Okay. Don't try to intellectually spiritualize it away.
All right. Hopefully some of you had the grace to receive that message. Some of you also might
quit this program because you're like, Jackie's a heretic. Well, you know, here we are. So never
will I ever, or, you know, however we want to say it, let's play a fun game so we can end on a good
note. And what do you got Bethany? Okay. So this may not be inappropriate, but I think it's going
to be fun. Um, this is one, as soon as I saw it, I think the guys are going to like this. The ladies
might like it too. This would be one. My husband would want on there. Never will I ever. Wait,
you gotta explain how it works. Wait, you gotta explain how it works. No, no. They have to raise
a little avatar hand if it's true. Like you got to tell them. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So if I say never
will I ever, you're going to raise your hand if you agree with it or you've done it and you won't
raise your hand if you don't agree with it or you haven't done it. Okay. So you'll raise your hand
if you agree with it or you've done it. That's, that's the main thing to remember. All right. So
never will I ever call diehard a Christmas movie. I will call it a Christmas movie. It is a
Christmas movie. The guys are excited. Paul, I see you cheering over there. That's great. You guys,
by the way, I saw red one. If you are thinking about seeing it, see it. It's hilarious. It's
such a good movie. You're going to like it. It's like the diehard of 2024. Okay.
All right. Awesome. Okay. Go ahead and put your hands down
here. I'll just lower all the hands after you do it. Okay. Okay. Cool.
All right. Um, never have I ever kissed a Santa or a Santa's helper.
Have you ever kissed a Santa or a Santa's helper?
Like a Jagger raising her hand there too.
Okay. Look at all those hands. A lot of sin. You guys realize you're raising your hand. You have
kissed a Santa or a Santa's helper. You're saying you have just so you know, it's a double negative.
It's a double. So what I want to know is just so you know, if you raise your hand for any of
these questions, you're saying, yes, I have. Okay. Next. Yeah. So what we want to know is,
did they have the Santa outfits on y'all? That would be really interesting. All right. How about,
um,
Okay, how about this one's going to be more just light hearted.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna end, I'm gonna end this.