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the guy. And I've been on four dates with the guy. And on the

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second date, take your advice, I talked about my faith a little

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bit in order to draw out his and so I found that he was raised

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growing the church but does not go as an adult. He does have a

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adolescent child who wants to go because they're in FCA at

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school. So I think that's great. So then I left it that night.

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And then on our third date, I said, it was New Year's Eve. So

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cut me a little slack a little champagne. And I was like, how

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do you feel about me like really loving Jesus? And he was like,

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he goes, I love Jesus. And I was like, Oh, okay. And I said, so

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like, you're gonna go with me or with your daughter to church?

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And he's like, yeah. And so here's my question. When

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someone's a pre believer, or maybe a not on the same level as

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us believer, or this particular guy doesn't go to church? What

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is our role now as the woman because part of me wants to

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find him a Bible study and buy him a devotional and check in

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every day. And I know that's not that's not being feminine. And

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that's not my job. And so I'm just curious what our role is

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with these like young people that are maybe not on the same

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level of our faith as us.

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Yeah, well, you just basically just said it, you guys,

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everyone is at varying degrees of their relationship for, you

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know, they're with their in their relationship with God.

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Okay. And I think that we could all agree that our hunger for

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knowing more of God ebbs and flows throughout life. Like

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we're all believers, but our hunger to know more and to go

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past where we've been kind of the watermark of our faith. It

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ebbs and flows. Doesn't it? It does for me. I mean, you know,

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I have I've had some, I've had some amazing encounters with

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God. But I think that we all get to a place where we kind of

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coast on our past encounters with God, instead of really

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trying to have new ones. Right? Being open to having new ones,

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and even being pursuing new ones, being pursuers of God. Am

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I right? Okay. And so church is not the litmus test for me.

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There's a lot of people that are deconstructing church

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affiliation, lots of people. And the reason why is because a lot

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of churches suck. Okay, they do. They're religious, they're

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controlling, they're back in an old Moses model of where you

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can't hear from God for yourself, you got to wait for

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the pastor to hear from him. And obviously, the pastor is always

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hearing that you need to give more money to the church, and

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just whatever. Okay, there's a lot of small business, I call

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it Church Incorporated, that is coming underneath the banner of

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church. And so that has given her a bad name. There's a

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bigotry, there's a lot of hatred, there's a lot of racism

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and nationalism and isms, just galore, sexism. And so because

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of that, a lot of people have turned away from that model. Now

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are there amazing churches out there with, you know, true

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pastors that are shepherding flocks? Yeah, there are, but

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they're not the majority. And so people are deconstructing

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that people are trying to find spiritual community, by the way,

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friends, the Book of Acts, which is where the church was born, it

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talks about spiritual community, it talks about fellowshipping

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and doing life together. And that is the true model. And so

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even if you do have a good church that you really like,

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make sure that you're finding a smaller group of believers to do

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life with, whether it's a home group, whether it's, I see

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Sarah's here, she's on my homepage, she is part of a

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group, a band of improv actors that are believers, that's a

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family. Okay. And so I'm part of the entrepreneurial group of

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believers, that's my family, those are the people that I get

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that I trust the most to call me out and to tell me, you know,

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what God's saying, and to correct me before, you know,

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check me before I wreck me. And you got to have those people in

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your life. And so that might look like, you know, a Christian

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running club, it might look like a group of entrepreneurs, or

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actors, or, you know, it could be anything, and you need that

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in your life. And so it sounds like this guy hasn't had that.

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And so friends, there's not I hope that you understand that

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there's no one answer for this. She's got to discern whether or

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not this guy is just one of those people that never got

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plugged in, and he wants to be plugged in. And as soon as he

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gets plugged into community, as soon as he gets invited into

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community by someone, then he's gonna start growing, like a

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little weed. And the reason why I don't say flowers, because

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weeds grow a lot faster. And so, you know, and I think it's

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important, God is using us, you guys, we're revivalists, each

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and every one of you are revivalists in marriage and

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family. He's using us even through

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something called your love life,

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to bring his marked children back into the flock,

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to the fold, to places of upgrade.

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And there'll be a lot of people

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who even find themselves drawn to

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and have peace about being in relationship

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with what we would call a pre-believer,

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because that person has had experience with Jesus,

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but no one watered that seed,

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and they haven't been discipled.

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But as soon as that happens,

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they are going to explode in a good way.

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And so, Dana, you have to vet this out with the Lord.

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You have to see what fruit is really there.

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Yeah, there's a lot of fruit.

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I mean, I've only been on four dates,

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but still, I mean, a lot of fruit so far,

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but I guess I've just in the past

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tried to do a lot to bring them along,

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you know what I mean?

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And I wanna- You don't have to do that.

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Not, I feel like besides talking

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about my own relationship with the Lord,

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being honest about that,

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I mean, there's maybe nothing else to be doing.

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We're praying for him, right?

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No, I mean, yeah, and also just, you know,

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if you have a spiritual community that's super rad

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and you wanna introduce him to that,

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just so you know, he might fall in love

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with your spiritual community and not you,

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and then you gotta go to church with this dude.

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I can't get rid of him.

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Okay, so yeah, that happens to a lot of people.

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So once again, be very prayerful.

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You seem like a mature Christian to me,

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and I think you're gonna, God trusts you,

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and I think that you need to trust yourself.

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Okay, can I ask another question?

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Yeah.

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This has happened to me more than once.

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It's in this situation also,

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but so basically I found out on our first date

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that his divorce was finalized that day.

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So literally he has been divorced a couple of weeks now.

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Okay. Yeah, great.

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And he says it was a very long time coming.

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They only got married because they were pregnant

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and it was a struggle from day one and whatever.

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But I've dated, here's my question.

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I've been the first person multiple men have dated

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like in the past, and I've gotten really burned

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by they come in hard and fast.

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They're so excited because one of them even told me,

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he goes, when you're in a bad marriage

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or when you're getting divorced,

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you feel like such a piece of crap

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that you're so excited when you get out and dating

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and someone likes you and they treat you well

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that you rush in and then you're like,

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oh wait, I don't know about this.

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So I guess my question is what are signs to look out for?

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What are things to be mindful of?

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So I don't end up being the rebound.

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I'm not saying that this is the forever relationship,

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but I don't wanna be a rebound again.

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One of the ways that you don't become a rebound

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is you don't let anything happen quickly.

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Rebounds always happen quickly.

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Pull a rubber band and then let go.

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Very quickly it's gonna snap back.

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That's a rebound, okay?

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And I think anything is a rebound

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where someone is trying again

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with no new healing and no new information.

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And so basically that should be your question.

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Ladies, gentlemen,

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anyone that you're dating that's been divorced,

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whether they've been divorced for a day

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or they've been divorced for 20 years,

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you need to ask them the question,

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what did you learn through your divorce?

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And I did and he said that I chose the wrong person,

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that I really want to not do it

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because I'm being the right, a good guy,

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but because I'm really in love.

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Okay, but I don't like that answer.

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I don't either.

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Okay.

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So that tells me that he hasn't owned

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his side of the street yet, okay?

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So he needs some heart work.

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He's not owned his side of the street.

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He thinks the only reason he's divorced

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because he chose the wrong person.

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You guys, that's, no, no, that's not a good answer.

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That's not a good answer.

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Okay, that answer is someone who's not self-aware.

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And so those are things that you have to take a look at

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when you're getting to know him.

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And you don't,

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you're allowed to get to know people over time.

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Don't lock it down into level three.

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Are you kissing this guy already?

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We did do a peck on the lips at New Year's.

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Okay.

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So.

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Tell him I don't want to do that anymore?

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That's nice.

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I mean, well, I mean, yeah.

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I mean, if you start kissing him,

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you're, you know, you're his girlfriend.

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Okay.

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Well, I don't feel like I'm his girlfriend yet.

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I'm definitely not ready to be, so.

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And just so you know, Dinah,

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like I think true colors come out

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when you're going a little quick

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and you're just like, hey, let's get to know each other.

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There's a lot of moving pieces here.

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And there are some things that I want to compromise on.

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I'm really, I really just want to see who you are.

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If they stop showing up,

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then,

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then good.

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Yeah.

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No, I think he would handle that fine.

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I think he would be like, okay, no worries.

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But I think.

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Good.

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Okay.

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See him, see what he's like.

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Keep getting to know him.

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See what he's like.

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See what he's, you know,

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willing to do or not do as far as his own work,

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his own inner work.

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What kind of, he has a child obviously

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with this other person, right?

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But one's enough if the person is unhealthy.

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And so,

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what's the, how old is the child?

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What's the shared parenting like?

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And so does he speak negatively of his former spouse?

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He doesn't actually. He says, you know, he says she's not a bad person. She's a good mom.

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We were not a good match. And the child is 12 and he has the standard parenting agreement,

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but he clearly adores her. They talk all the time and he speaks super highly of the child.

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He loves being a dad. But yeah, I think that I definitely want to slow it. Not that it's going

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super fast, but you know, slow it down. Cause I don't want to be the rebound of like he dives in

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of like a new relationship just to feel something, you know? Right. No, no. So would you recommend

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to someone like you're, I agree. And he's not the first man that's told me that, that they like

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chose the wrong person. I mean, do you think it's too much to ask someone to take the hard work?

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Like, is that too forward? I mean, I wouldn't ask them to take it at this level of relationship.

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But if you start seeing other like really good qualities and good fruit as you get to know him

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over time but you really want him to unpack these bags before you guys get super serious or get

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married, then yeah, of course, inner healing is always something that you can recommend and ask

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someone to do if you're, if you're considering a serious relationship with them. Like if you're

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on the maybe cusp of level three or are level three, you could ask him for that. I think so.

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I mean, yeah, level three, level three, considering level three, going into that,

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you guys, I'm going to tell you in 2025, the sexiest, most attractive people are going to

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be people that have done the inner work. Yeah. Right. Those are going to be the people. I mean,

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we don't care. You know, skip the Botox, spend your money on therapy. Okay. We've got to make

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sure that we are shining from the inside because people are tired of being in unhealthy relationships.

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And if someone's working on themselves, which all of you are, it is not attractive to be with

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someone who's not. So on that note, I've wanted to send, I have sent a link to a couple of people

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and I wanted to send a link to a couple of other people. Would you speak really briefly on what the

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men's experience is? Like if we send them the. It's the same as the women's experience. They

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have phase one, they have phase one, two, and three. It's just a much smaller group of men

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that are in the actual program itself and not just the challenge. And, um, but they have Monday

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nights, live coaching. They obviously are able to come on all of these coaching calls. And so they

250
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go through heartwork. They go through dating coaching. They go through divine masculine

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boundaries, uh, dating one-on-one. They go through all the same stuff. Okay. Awesome. So it's like a

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six week, just like a six week class with coaching and a book. And they have part work for guys and

253
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it's the same program except it's for guys. And, uh, they have live coaching on Mondays

254
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with male coaches. Sometimes they have me and then they have all of this.

255
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So all the stuff that's available in phase three, they have all of this.

256
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Okay. Okay. All right. Thank you. Okay. You're welcome, Dinah. Keep us posted.

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Hey, Sarah.

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This woman is a phenomenal improv actor. She is so funny and I've seen her perform

259
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several times now and she's great. Thank you.

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How can I increase my ability to stay in the healthy area of hope?

261
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I've noticed that I can either be what I'll call the ditch of despair, where I don't think any

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relationship will work out. And I anticipate how the conversation will not lead to actually

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meeting in person. Or if I'm like, wait a second, they haven't tripped any of those

264
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concerns. Now I have to make this relationship work and I get really anxious. So how do I

265
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avoid both of those kind of extremes and stay in what I would call healthy hope?

266
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Okay. So we do have, I do have a session on hope. So if you haven't seen that,

267
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then you might want to go and find the replay. Um, but both of those, um, reactions are rooted

268
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somewhere. Okay. So, you know, the evil forebodings of, oh, it's not going to work

269
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out. It's not going to, you know, this, this is going good, but it's not going to get to a face

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to face. I don't want to get my hopes up because I'm just going to be disappointed. And, or,

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oh, this person has, you know, they've crawled, they've passed all of the tests here. And it

272
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looks like, you know, it is going to get to a face to face. And now I'm feeling anxious about

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now I'm going to actually have to like meet this person or get to know this person. And both of

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those places are rooted someplace, right? They're both rooted somewhere. And so you have to pray and

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ask Holy spirit to show you guys, this is heartwork one-on-one. Where is this rooted?

276
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Why do I feel this way? What's going on?

277
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here you know and so I would take those things separately to Holy Spirit but I

278
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bet they're both rooted in the same place okay fear of rejection I think

279
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they're both rooted in fear of rejection because one is like oh he's gonna they're

280
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gonna reject me and the other one is oh I gotta try to make this work and you

281
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know and then when you know it's we'll get together and stuff and they're gonna

282
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reject me so it's gonna it all comes back down to this is never going to get

283
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to the level that I want it to get to because they're either gonna sabotage it

284
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or I'm going to right yeah right so dig into some more

285
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hard work identity work you guys so many success stories that we have you guys

286
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always see the finished product you see me posting the smiling faces that their

287
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engagement or their wedding so much went into those stories I really need to tell

288
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you that because otherwise you're gonna think there's something wrong with you

289
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and there's something right with those people no the only thing right with

290
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those people is that they didn't give up they stayed in here they believe that

291
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God called them here that it was supernatural that there's a grace on

292
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this movement to help people get married because there there is we have more

293
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success stories of anybody out there and the reason why is because they're doing

294
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the preliminary work that is going to save their marriage before it starts

295
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marriage is hard it is God's not holding out on you until you put enough coins

296
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in the slot machine to you know give you the grand prize of a spouse but what

297
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is happening is an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure you are getting

298
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out of all these insecurities and all these belief systems and all the

299
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different things some of you you know all of you are in phase three so all of

300
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you have done hard work you've done that you know the dating accelerator and now

301
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you're out there meeting people and trying out these tools in real time it's

302
00:16:53.540 --> 00:16:57.460
important that you continue to do that because when I tell you that we have

303
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people in their first two years of marriage that kind of moved in really

304
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quickly into that level of relationship and didn't spend enough time right here

305
00:17:06.300 --> 00:17:11.020
in this group doing this there you're gonna do it before or after is basically

306
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what I want to tell you so let's do it now yeah let's do it now it's important

307
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to just do it now and that way the first two years could be a whole lot more

308
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enjoyable and then not and I think some of you even know people that have

309
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struggled in their first two years of marriage even though they know it was

310
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God that brought them together they love Jesus all the things loving Jesus is not

311
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the only thing that you need in a match it's not okay so Sarah we're excited

312
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that 2025 is gonna be your year to not only you know have a spirit mate but

313
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actually to get past these watermarks that you keep hitting of relationship

314
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and and make sure that they either love improv or they're also involved because

315
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I feel like I feel like that's a gift that God is going to continue to develop

316
00:17:56.060 --> 00:18:03.940
for you thank you so I would love to be in an improv troop that would be so we

317
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don't have one here in Austin though but who knows maybe someday all right so

318
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thanks Sarah you guys we're getting a little bit we're getting a little late

319
00:18:11.380 --> 00:18:16.380
here so I just need you to tell me your question in 20 seconds or less I'm gonna

320
00:18:16.380 --> 00:18:19.340
answer it but I'm not gonna get in depth like these other two I'm gonna take the

321
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four people that have their hands up so Rachel go ahead and go it's gonna be

322
00:18:22.940 --> 00:18:28.380
Rachel Shelly Gabriela and Italia and then we're gonna be done so 30 seconds

323
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or less what's your question yeah hi yeah hi yeah so I met Jason on bumper

324
00:18:36.100 --> 00:18:42.900
and then we met for a date five days after he was back hey he was back in

325
00:18:42.900 --> 00:18:47.900
Singapore for a holiday he's based in Perth five hours flight away from me he's

326
00:18:47.900 --> 00:18:53.460
Singaporean soon as me and I'm in Singapore so in the one week that he's

327
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here so we met on 26 and then we had two other dates and he's left back to Perth

328
00:19:01.020 --> 00:19:07.460
first gen so we're still texting so doing this three days in Singapore it

329
00:19:07.460 --> 00:19:12.180
progressed quite quickly I mean we literally were friends long ago so we

330
00:19:12.180 --> 00:19:16.740
find each other familiar on bumper and I said yeah let's let's do coffee and then

331
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just in case he's a fake identity and then yeah so we were in the same church

332
00:19:22.340 --> 00:19:28.740
when we were like 20 so that's well one in 30 years ago I'm 50 in January I mean

333
00:19:28.740 --> 00:19:35.060
this month and he's 49 so he wasn't a band he played the bass I'm the dance

334
00:19:35.060 --> 00:19:39.440
ministry so my eyes were not looking at men because I was attached then but we

335
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had all these same background and everything and so we had loads of common

336
00:19:42.700 --> 00:19:45.820
friends so you know composition is very authentic it's just like you know so

337
00:19:45.820 --> 00:19:49.740
who's who's doing whatever and so also am I like this and therefore I got to

338
00:19:49.740 --> 00:19:54.740
know his past about what happened in the marriage what went wrong so he's pretty

339
00:19:54.740 --> 00:19:58.220
healed like he would he would own his side of the street saying that he could

340
00:19:58.220 --> 00:20:02.060
have done a little bit better in communication

341
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:05.920
He could have marriage counselling.

342
00:20:05.920 --> 00:20:11.600
And we went to service, the last Sunday service of the year, we went to a mega church together.

343
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I just told him I'm going.

344
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And the day before, he texted me, what time are you going, and the time aligns, he said,

345
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I'm coming with my son.

346
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So I said, okay, that's too fast for me to even see his son.

347
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But yeah, we went together, he took a meter seat.

348
00:20:26.720 --> 00:20:27.720
And it was pretty impressive.

349
00:20:27.720 --> 00:20:32.040
I mean, he was, you know, managing the screen time on his son, da da da.

350
00:20:32.040 --> 00:20:36.320
And then we had McDonald's for lunch, the son wanted to have lunch together, and then

351
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we do.

352
00:20:37.320 --> 00:20:43.120
And then when Brendan, the son, he told me, I mean, Jason told me that he's ADHD.

353
00:20:43.120 --> 00:20:44.120
Yeah.

354
00:20:44.120 --> 00:20:48.480
So and then when Brendan walked away for a little bit, he said, he's glad that Brendan

355
00:20:48.480 --> 00:20:51.840
got a chance to see me while he's here.

356
00:20:51.840 --> 00:20:55.240
And so after each date, he would ask me to go over to Perth.

357
00:20:55.240 --> 00:20:57.200
I'm not unfamiliar with Perth.

358
00:20:57.200 --> 00:21:00.160
I studied in Canberra before.

359
00:21:00.160 --> 00:21:06.720
So yeah, and so the question is, yeah, three dates in a week.

360
00:21:06.720 --> 00:21:07.720
It's too overwhelming.

361
00:21:07.720 --> 00:21:11.760
It's, it's pretty suddenly, I mean, like, I don't expect to meet someone new, or for

362
00:21:11.760 --> 00:21:18.160
the matter, someone from the past, with so much commonalities, and yeah, so it's very

363
00:21:18.160 --> 00:21:24.200
easy to talk because it's like, some of these marriage things work, da da da da da da.

364
00:21:24.200 --> 00:21:25.200
Okay.

365
00:21:25.200 --> 00:21:29.440
So first of all, I one of my favorite success stories is in Perth.

366
00:21:29.440 --> 00:21:32.080
And she lived in the most isolated city in the world.

367
00:21:32.080 --> 00:21:33.760
She thought she'd never get married.

368
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And she actually flew here to Austin with Nigel, her fiance, and I married them.

369
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So I performed that wedding.

370
00:21:39.360 --> 00:21:40.440
But they live in Perth.

371
00:21:40.440 --> 00:21:41.440
And Perth is amazing.

372
00:21:41.440 --> 00:21:42.900
And you know, because he has a child.

373
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How old is his child?

374
00:21:43.900 --> 00:21:44.900
10 years.

375
00:21:44.900 --> 00:21:45.900
10 years.

376
00:21:45.900 --> 00:21:47.640
I'm going 11 this year.

377
00:21:47.640 --> 00:21:48.640
Okay.

378
00:21:48.640 --> 00:21:51.960
So, so you would have to move to Perth.

379
00:21:52.720 --> 00:21:57.680
The interesting thing is that while he was here, he did raise some bits about, I mean,

380
00:21:57.680 --> 00:22:00.240
he's a single dad, 100% custody right now.

381
00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:04.960
And it's very full on because no helper situation in Perth.

382
00:22:04.960 --> 00:22:05.960
In Singapore, he's very different.

383
00:22:05.960 --> 00:22:07.320
I mean, family members are here.

384
00:22:07.320 --> 00:22:11.960
He did mention something about, oh, Yvonne, back in Singapore, this is the band I'm going

385
00:22:11.960 --> 00:22:12.960
to play in.

386
00:22:12.960 --> 00:22:13.960
I was like, oh, okay.

387
00:22:13.960 --> 00:22:19.640
So, but we didn't talk much about it because it's just too, too far, but indicative.

388
00:22:19.640 --> 00:22:25.880
And I was like, I would love to live across the borders, which is in Malaysia.

389
00:22:25.880 --> 00:22:28.600
So what's, what's your next, what's your, what's your next plan?

390
00:22:28.600 --> 00:22:32.840
I mean, I like it that something's come full circle, that you guys have same friends, that

391
00:22:32.840 --> 00:22:37.200
you used to go to church together back in a different season of your life.

392
00:22:37.200 --> 00:22:40.560
I, you guys, just so you know, long distance is always marathon dates.

393
00:22:40.560 --> 00:22:43.360
If you're going to do long distance and someone's coming to visit, you're going to have three

394
00:22:43.360 --> 00:22:45.960
dates in one week, just like Rachel did.

395
00:22:45.960 --> 00:22:46.960
That's normal.

396
00:22:46.960 --> 00:22:48.480
And yes, it can be overwhelming.

397
00:22:48.480 --> 00:22:51.440
And then you have to take some time to kind of decompress after they leave and really

398
00:22:51.440 --> 00:22:55.020
kind of sort through your feelings of, did you have a good time?

399
00:22:55.020 --> 00:22:56.960
Is there the kind of connection that you want to build on?

400
00:22:56.960 --> 00:23:01.240
Because long distance takes a lot of commitment, but is your, is your question, should you

401
00:23:01.240 --> 00:23:03.240
go to Perth to visit?

402
00:23:03.240 --> 00:23:04.240
Yeah.

403
00:23:04.240 --> 00:23:10.960
Like, should I, I mean, would I, or, I mean, I'm, I run a studio here.

404
00:23:10.960 --> 00:23:13.240
It's a lot to leave.

405
00:23:13.240 --> 00:23:14.240
It's a lot.

406
00:23:14.240 --> 00:23:15.240
Yeah.

407
00:23:15.240 --> 00:23:17.760
So, and I don't know.

408
00:23:17.760 --> 00:23:18.760
I mean, should I go?

409
00:23:18.760 --> 00:23:22.120
Like, like he asked three times, like, do I go there just for a holiday?

410
00:23:22.120 --> 00:23:25.760
We have not talked about anything, like, you know, whatever, it's just having fun, getting

411
00:23:25.760 --> 00:23:26.760
to know each other.

412
00:23:26.760 --> 00:23:27.760
Yeah.

413
00:23:27.760 --> 00:23:31.920
There's a lot of, there's a lot of investment that you have to do with long distance.

414
00:23:31.920 --> 00:23:35.400
And I think that, you know, if you're going to go to Perth, you know, you kind of see

415
00:23:35.400 --> 00:23:38.240
him in his element and with his life, you know, and stuff.

416
00:23:38.240 --> 00:23:42.880
And he sounds like he has, you know, relatives and he's familiar with Singapore cause he's

417
00:23:42.880 --> 00:23:44.400
from there originally.

418
00:23:44.400 --> 00:23:46.040
I think that you can do that for sure.

419
00:23:46.360 --> 00:23:50.080
You guys can split the cost of some of this travel and different things.

420
00:23:50.080 --> 00:23:55.640
Maybe stay with friends of theirs, family members of theirs, possibly even church members

421
00:23:55.640 --> 00:23:59.920
of theirs to kind of cut down on costs if that's what you got to do.

422
00:23:59.920 --> 00:24:05.360
I think that, you know, there's no commitment here, but there is something that's starting

423
00:24:05.360 --> 00:24:08.640
something that sounds pretty promising.

424
00:24:08.640 --> 00:24:12.480
And I think that you should invest in it as you feel led to do so, and that you have peace

425
00:24:12.480 --> 00:24:14.700
to do so.

426
00:24:14.700 --> 00:24:15.700
Pretty peaceful about it.

427
00:24:16.360 --> 00:24:19.980
I did track, you know, where there's like discounts and there is, and then it's not

428
00:24:19.980 --> 00:24:22.980
that big of an amount.

429
00:24:22.980 --> 00:24:28.580
So my question is, do I go ask just like a holiday, take a break, or do we need to have

430
00:24:28.580 --> 00:24:33.140
a talk talk or just flow?

431
00:24:33.140 --> 00:24:34.500
And what's the timeframe?

432
00:24:34.500 --> 00:24:35.500
What's like from now?

433
00:24:35.500 --> 00:24:37.140
Like I told him I'm turning 50.

434
00:24:37.140 --> 00:24:39.480
I think that you're still getting to know each other.

435
00:24:39.480 --> 00:24:42.000
So I don't think you need to have a talk about it.

436
00:24:42.000 --> 00:24:45.720
Hopefully after this trip to Perth, you guys may need to make a decision about whether

437
00:24:45.720 --> 00:24:49.340
or not you're going to pursue something serious.

438
00:24:49.340 --> 00:24:50.340
You know,

439
00:24:50.340 --> 00:24:51.340
I have a great answer for that.

440
00:24:51.340 --> 00:24:54.340
To then get the next phase, that kind of thing.

441
00:24:54.340 --> 00:24:55.340
Yeah.

442
00:24:55.340 --> 00:24:56.340
Yeah.

443
00:24:56.340 --> 00:24:59.980
So you know, it would stay, it would stay as is.

444
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:03.720
Yeah, sort of video calls and all that, yeah.

445
00:25:03.720 --> 00:25:04.880
Yeah, you should be doing that.

446
00:25:04.880 --> 00:25:06.320
You're not doing that.

447
00:25:06.320 --> 00:25:08.840
So you're right to enrich me to put it,

448
00:25:08.840 --> 00:25:10.360
I mean, it's hard, it's gonna be hard work,

449
00:25:10.360 --> 00:25:11.680
but it's, I think it's worth it.

450
00:25:11.680 --> 00:25:15.520
It's just, it's, yeah, I should go.

451
00:25:15.520 --> 00:25:17.240
Like when, like two months down the road,

452
00:25:17.240 --> 00:25:19.400
three months in Q1 or something?

453
00:25:19.400 --> 00:25:21.720
I don't, I think that if you guys have the ability

454
00:25:21.720 --> 00:25:24.040
to see each other more often, you should.

455
00:25:24.040 --> 00:25:27.640
I don't think that putting, with long distance,

456
00:25:27.640 --> 00:25:29.560
you guys, I do recommend that you see someone

457
00:25:29.560 --> 00:25:34.560
at least every month to six weeks, if you can.

458
00:25:35.400 --> 00:25:37.920
And then in between, do a lot of talking,

459
00:25:37.920 --> 00:25:39.880
a lot of talking, a lot of FaceTime.

460
00:25:39.880 --> 00:25:42.320
You guys, long distance is a totally different animal.

461
00:25:42.320 --> 00:25:44.320
If you're meeting someone long distance already,

462
00:25:44.320 --> 00:25:46.960
friends, you can see this in all my dating coaching

463
00:25:46.960 --> 00:25:49.600
in phase two, go back and watch those videos.

464
00:25:49.600 --> 00:25:51.520
You really do need to get with that person

465
00:25:51.520 --> 00:25:53.720
within the first couple of months of meeting them online

466
00:25:53.720 --> 00:25:55.400
or meeting them virtually.

467
00:25:55.400 --> 00:25:56.680
You need to get with them in person.

468
00:25:56.680 --> 00:25:58.360
You need to see if the chemistry in person

469
00:25:58.360 --> 00:26:00.240
is the same chemistry that you're building online

470
00:26:00.240 --> 00:26:01.120
with each other.

471
00:26:01.120 --> 00:26:03.400
If it is, you need to make a plan

472
00:26:03.400 --> 00:26:06.120
of how you guys are going to go back and forth

473
00:26:06.120 --> 00:26:07.440
and share the cost.

474
00:26:07.440 --> 00:26:10.440
You know, like I said, find creative ways

475
00:26:10.440 --> 00:26:13.440
to cut the cost of them staying with friends or family

476
00:26:13.440 --> 00:26:16.280
or any of those things in order to spend as much time

477
00:26:16.280 --> 00:26:19.280
together as you can within the first six months

478
00:26:19.280 --> 00:26:21.800
of the acquaintance or the relationship

479
00:26:21.800 --> 00:26:23.440
to see whether or not this is something

480
00:26:23.440 --> 00:26:27.000
that you want to actually pursue to marriage.

481
00:26:27.000 --> 00:26:27.840
Okay?

482
00:26:28.240 --> 00:26:29.440
If he would like to host me,

483
00:26:29.440 --> 00:26:32.200
like three times he's asked me is to stay with him.

484
00:26:34.000 --> 00:26:35.400
Not at all.

485
00:26:35.400 --> 00:26:36.680
I mean, I wouldn't stay with him.

486
00:26:36.680 --> 00:26:38.520
I mean, you don't barely even know him

487
00:26:38.520 --> 00:26:41.240
just as a safety precaution, not like a...

488
00:26:41.240 --> 00:26:42.080
I mean, we have a lot.

489
00:26:42.080 --> 00:26:45.040
I mean, like I do know him like from years ago.

490
00:26:46.600 --> 00:26:48.720
Exactly, from years ago.

491
00:26:48.720 --> 00:26:51.280
I mean, I wouldn't stay with him your first trip to Perth.

492
00:26:51.280 --> 00:26:54.000
Even if you can control yourself and not jump his bones,

493
00:26:54.000 --> 00:26:55.240
I wouldn't stay with him.

494
00:26:56.080 --> 00:26:59.240
But I would ask him if he has friends

495
00:26:59.240 --> 00:27:01.400
or someone that you could stay with that have an extra room.

496
00:27:01.400 --> 00:27:02.640
I think I would stay close by,

497
00:27:02.640 --> 00:27:05.360
but I wouldn't actually stay with him and his son

498
00:27:05.360 --> 00:27:06.920
because he has full custody.

499
00:27:06.920 --> 00:27:09.080
So I don't think that you should stay with him

500
00:27:09.080 --> 00:27:10.600
and his 10-year-old son.

501
00:27:10.600 --> 00:27:11.440
I don't.

502
00:27:13.120 --> 00:27:14.720
If you guys started getting serious

503
00:27:14.720 --> 00:27:16.320
and he was your girlfriend

504
00:27:16.320 --> 00:27:17.480
and you're traveling back and forth

505
00:27:17.480 --> 00:27:20.520
and you guys can, you're adults, you guys can work that out.

506
00:27:20.520 --> 00:27:22.880
But for your first trip and you just met him,

507
00:27:22.880 --> 00:27:24.360
saw him again after all these years

508
00:27:24.720 --> 00:27:27.720
and spent three days together, I wouldn't stay at his house.

509
00:27:29.360 --> 00:27:30.360
All right?

510
00:27:30.360 --> 00:27:31.200
Okay.

511
00:27:31.200 --> 00:27:32.040
Thank you guys.

512
00:27:32.040 --> 00:27:32.880
You're welcome.

513
00:27:32.880 --> 00:27:35.160
You guys, I need to, we're almost two hours in.

514
00:27:35.160 --> 00:27:38.240
So Shelly and Gabriela and Talia,

515
00:27:38.240 --> 00:27:39.880
I need really quick 30 seconds.

516
00:27:39.880 --> 00:27:41.320
What's the question right from the get-go?

517
00:27:41.320 --> 00:27:42.160
What do you got?

518
00:27:42.160 --> 00:27:43.000
Okay.

519
00:27:43.000 --> 00:27:44.520
Hi, Jackie.

520
00:27:44.520 --> 00:27:49.120
I've been seeing a guy for a couple months.

521
00:27:49.120 --> 00:27:51.640
Our sixth date was on New Year's Eve, long date.

522
00:27:52.560 --> 00:27:54.280
Really good guy.

523
00:27:54.280 --> 00:27:57.400
Lots of green flags, lots of good qualities.

524
00:27:57.400 --> 00:28:00.680
Our first date, I noticed he speaks with a lisp

525
00:28:00.680 --> 00:28:02.920
and it was a little distracting to me.

526
00:28:02.920 --> 00:28:03.760
Okay.

527
00:28:03.760 --> 00:28:04.600
But there were so many good things.

528
00:28:04.600 --> 00:28:07.560
I was like, I'll just keep getting to know him better.

529
00:28:07.560 --> 00:28:11.360
And sometimes I notice it a lot and sometimes not.

530
00:28:11.360 --> 00:28:14.600
On New Year's Eve, and it was a long day

531
00:28:14.600 --> 00:28:16.120
because we went for a hike.

532
00:28:16.120 --> 00:28:18.160
We basically were together all day.

533
00:28:18.160 --> 00:28:20.720
He's in Denver, I'm in Colorado Springs.

534
00:28:20.760 --> 00:28:22.080
I met his roommates, I met friends.

535
00:28:22.080 --> 00:28:27.080
Anyway, short, I was quite distracted all day

536
00:28:27.120 --> 00:28:28.880
and it almost kind of took me offline

537
00:28:28.880 --> 00:28:31.280
in terms of my engagement, but I stayed really engaged

538
00:28:31.280 --> 00:28:35.120
and I think we, everything was fine.

539
00:28:35.120 --> 00:28:37.840
But I just was feeling a lot of emotions

540
00:28:37.840 --> 00:28:39.520
that were tricky to manage for different reasons

541
00:28:39.520 --> 00:28:42.760
because I was tired and reflecting on the year

542
00:28:42.760 --> 00:28:44.120
and lots of things.

543
00:28:44.120 --> 00:28:46.520
So I guess my lingering question is like,

544
00:28:46.520 --> 00:28:48.440
I don't want to make something a thing.

545
00:28:48.440 --> 00:28:52.280
I don't know if I, how do you know if something

546
00:28:52.280 --> 00:28:54.800
is really like going to be a problem

547
00:28:54.800 --> 00:28:56.960
or if it will fade over time?

548
00:28:56.960 --> 00:28:59.440
I guess that's kind of a question I have.

549
00:28:59.440 --> 00:29:01.720
Well, the question is, the answer is,

550
00:29:01.720 --> 00:29:05.360
is that, you know, spend time.

551
00:29:05.360 --> 00:29:06.200
Yeah.

552
00:29:06.200 --> 00:29:08.120
I mean, this is a new relationship, you guys.

553
00:29:08.120 --> 00:29:09.440
No one's going to be perfect.

554
00:29:09.440 --> 00:29:11.440
Everyone's going to have something about them

555
00:29:11.440 --> 00:29:14.800
that you can find the ick with if you really want to.

556
00:29:14.800 --> 00:29:16.800
You can find an ick, okay?

557
00:29:16.800 --> 00:29:18.800
Something that's like, oh, I don't,

558
00:29:18.800 --> 00:29:19.920
I'm not attracted to that.

559
00:29:19.920 --> 00:29:22.040
That's kind of a turnoff for me.

560
00:29:22.040 --> 00:29:25.840
There are all kinds of people that have disabilities.

561
00:29:25.840 --> 00:29:27.840
They have disabilities that can be seen,

562
00:29:27.840 --> 00:29:29.960
disabilities that can't be seen.

563
00:29:29.960 --> 00:29:31.880
Some people have things like fibromyalgia.

564
00:29:31.880 --> 00:29:33.480
They can't, you can't see those things,

565
00:29:33.480 --> 00:29:36.120
but you know, their bodies ache and they, you know,

566
00:29:36.120 --> 00:29:38.200
they get worn out really quickly and need to sit down.

567
00:29:38.200 --> 00:29:39.560
You know, it's not anything that's going to kill them,

568
00:29:39.560 --> 00:29:42.800
but it's going to affect your life with each other.

569
00:29:42.800 --> 00:29:46.680
And you just have to really get to know someone

570
00:29:47.560 --> 00:29:49.000
and get to know the good things about them

571
00:29:49.000 --> 00:29:52.000
before you let something that's not ideal about them

572
00:29:52.000 --> 00:29:54.280
cause you to cross them off a list.

573
00:29:55.640 --> 00:29:57.400
Yes. Good.

574
00:29:57.400 --> 00:29:58.640
Yes. Okay.

575
00:29:58.640 --> 00:30:00.640
And you're saying right now that there.

576
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:02.840
a lot of extenuating circumstances to that meeting

577
00:30:02.840 --> 00:30:06.480
as far as end of the year, reflection, tired, long day.

578
00:30:06.480 --> 00:30:07.320
So-

579
00:30:07.320 --> 00:30:09.960
I'm an introvert and it was like solid people time

580
00:30:09.960 --> 00:30:12.520
for like 15 hours.

581
00:30:12.520 --> 00:30:14.520
Remember, it's always a yes until it's a no.

582
00:30:14.520 --> 00:30:17.160
And so if it's not a no, then it's still a yes.

583
00:30:17.160 --> 00:30:18.320
Okay, that's good.

584
00:30:18.320 --> 00:30:19.160
Thank you, Jackie.

585
00:30:19.160 --> 00:30:20.120
Yep, you're welcome.

586
00:30:20.120 --> 00:30:22.080
Gabriela, short, brief, and powerful.

587
00:30:22.080 --> 00:30:23.360
What do you got?

588
00:30:23.360 --> 00:30:24.200
Hey, Jackie.

589
00:30:24.200 --> 00:30:26.280
Okay, so I've had a crush on a guy at my church

590
00:30:26.280 --> 00:30:27.680
for almost the last year.

591
00:30:27.680 --> 00:30:28.520
And I-

592
00:30:28.520 --> 00:30:29.840
Listen, I know all about this

593
00:30:30.680 --> 00:30:31.680
because I read it in the chat.

594
00:30:31.680 --> 00:30:32.800
So what's your question?

595
00:30:32.800 --> 00:30:35.600
Like I read it in the group where you posted it.

596
00:30:35.600 --> 00:30:37.600
Do I just give up on him

597
00:30:37.600 --> 00:30:39.880
because I saw him sitting with another woman?

598
00:30:39.880 --> 00:30:42.480
And also there was another,

599
00:30:42.480 --> 00:30:44.560
I posted about a guy that was,

600
00:30:44.560 --> 00:30:46.160
that left the Jehovah's Witness Church

601
00:30:46.160 --> 00:30:47.000
and the Mormon Church

602
00:30:47.000 --> 00:30:49.040
and is now going to a Christian church.

603
00:30:49.040 --> 00:30:51.280
But I found out he's still currently married

604
00:30:51.280 --> 00:30:56.280
and because he's trying to adopt his ex's niece

605
00:30:56.720 --> 00:30:58.640
who they got guardianship of

606
00:30:58.640 --> 00:31:00.600
because her parents went to prison.

607
00:31:00.600 --> 00:31:01.960
So they're waiting to divorce

608
00:31:01.960 --> 00:31:03.960
until they can adopt the girl.

609
00:31:05.720 --> 00:31:07.440
I told him I just want to be friends

610
00:31:07.440 --> 00:31:09.120
until the divorce is finalized,

611
00:31:09.120 --> 00:31:11.760
but he's still texting me.

612
00:31:11.760 --> 00:31:14.920
Okay, so he's not respecting your boundaries.

613
00:31:14.920 --> 00:31:16.080
You said you just want to be friends,

614
00:31:16.080 --> 00:31:19.480
but he's plowing through your boundaries.

615
00:31:19.480 --> 00:31:21.760
Also, he is divorcing someone

616
00:31:21.760 --> 00:31:24.080
that he's going to become a father to.

617
00:31:24.080 --> 00:31:25.200
He's divorcing someone

618
00:31:25.200 --> 00:31:29.000
that he's going to become a parent of someone else with.

619
00:31:29.000 --> 00:31:30.760
So he's getting divorced,

620
00:31:30.760 --> 00:31:35.120
but he's going to actually legally adopt someone

621
00:31:35.120 --> 00:31:36.760
and then divorce somebody.

622
00:31:37.840 --> 00:31:39.040
Yeah, she left him

623
00:31:39.040 --> 00:31:41.800
because she decided to leave the Mormon Church

624
00:31:41.800 --> 00:31:42.880
and become a lesbian.

625
00:31:42.880 --> 00:31:45.960
So he wants to still be in his daughter's life

626
00:31:45.960 --> 00:31:47.880
that he's raised for like seven years,

627
00:31:47.880 --> 00:31:51.120
which it just seems really messy and I don't-

628
00:31:51.120 --> 00:31:51.960
It's very messy

629
00:31:51.960 --> 00:31:53.760
and the last thing that you need is messy.

630
00:31:54.200 --> 00:31:55.520
The bigger red flag here

631
00:31:55.520 --> 00:31:58.000
is someone who isn't respecting

632
00:31:58.000 --> 00:31:59.080
what you've already told them,

633
00:31:59.080 --> 00:32:00.600
and that is I want you to go

634
00:32:00.600 --> 00:32:03.160
and take care of your own business

635
00:32:03.160 --> 00:32:05.720
before you start coming and talking to me.

636
00:32:05.720 --> 00:32:07.120
I don't think so.

637
00:32:07.120 --> 00:32:09.600
So yes, and so with the other guy,

638
00:32:09.600 --> 00:32:12.240
I mean, you've liked this guy at church for a while.

639
00:32:12.240 --> 00:32:13.320
You've had a crush on him

640
00:32:13.320 --> 00:32:16.320
and this other woman's seeking him out.

641
00:32:16.320 --> 00:32:17.400
They're walking, they're talking.

642
00:32:17.400 --> 00:32:18.280
She's also single.

643
00:32:18.280 --> 00:32:19.440
He's sitting with her.

644
00:32:19.440 --> 00:32:23.160
I mean, it looks on the outside like he might like her.

645
00:32:24.080 --> 00:32:25.280
You know?

646
00:32:25.280 --> 00:32:27.440
I mean, he's approached me a couple of times

647
00:32:27.440 --> 00:32:29.360
and we've chatted, but nothing further.

648
00:32:29.360 --> 00:32:31.080
He hasn't pursued anything, so.

649
00:32:31.080 --> 00:32:33.520
Right, and he's not trying to sit by you.

650
00:32:33.520 --> 00:32:36.600
He's not, you know, walking with you around the church.

651
00:32:36.600 --> 00:32:37.960
You understand what I'm saying?

652
00:32:37.960 --> 00:32:38.800
Yeah.

653
00:32:38.800 --> 00:32:40.920
So yeah, so I would go ahead and release it

654
00:32:40.920 --> 00:32:42.520
because all of you, please listen.

655
00:32:42.520 --> 00:32:44.280
You do not have time

656
00:32:44.280 --> 00:32:47.880
for any kind of pseudo situationships going into 2025.

657
00:32:47.880 --> 00:32:49.040
Let's clear the slate.

658
00:32:49.920 --> 00:32:51.560
Because like Gabriella's situation,

659
00:32:52.400 --> 00:32:53.880
if it's gonna be something,

660
00:32:53.880 --> 00:32:55.520
then just go ahead and let it go

661
00:32:55.520 --> 00:32:58.440
and let it come back around on its own, okay?

662
00:32:58.440 --> 00:33:03.440
Let it like, you know, just go ahead and go, let it go.

663
00:33:05.120 --> 00:33:07.440
And then if it circles back around to you, okay,

664
00:33:07.440 --> 00:33:09.080
then we can entertain it again.

665
00:33:09.080 --> 00:33:11.240
But right now, we're gonna let everything go

666
00:33:11.240 --> 00:33:14.200
that hasn't manifested into a full-blown relationship

667
00:33:14.200 --> 00:33:16.960
that includes all the people that you had crushes on

668
00:33:16.960 --> 00:33:18.680
or you thought maybe had crushes on you

669
00:33:18.680 --> 00:33:19.880
and you're not sure what this is.

670
00:33:19.880 --> 00:33:20.920
You want it in a couple of days,

671
00:33:21.480 --> 00:33:22.880
but then they disappeared, then they came back,

672
00:33:22.880 --> 00:33:24.120
then they disappeared, then they came back.

673
00:33:24.120 --> 00:33:25.480
Let's let all of it go.

674
00:33:26.320 --> 00:33:28.520
Every single, clear the slate.

675
00:33:28.520 --> 00:33:30.640
When I was a kid, you know, you get to,

676
00:33:30.640 --> 00:33:32.240
if you got chalkboard duty,

677
00:33:32.240 --> 00:33:34.240
you got to clean the erasers

678
00:33:34.240 --> 00:33:36.720
and you got to clean the chalkboard with the water.

679
00:33:36.720 --> 00:33:37.760
Y'all remember all that?

680
00:33:37.760 --> 00:33:38.640
Or am I super old?

681
00:33:38.640 --> 00:33:39.480
I don't know.

682
00:33:39.480 --> 00:33:41.120
But all I know is that we need to do that.

683
00:33:41.120 --> 00:33:43.840
We need to clear the chalkboard fully,

684
00:33:43.840 --> 00:33:45.720
erase everything that's on there,

685
00:33:45.720 --> 00:33:48.480
and let's let God, let's let him with us,

686
00:33:48.480 --> 00:33:50.640
co-partner with us to write something new.

687
00:33:51.080 --> 00:33:52.680
We're going to let go of everything

688
00:33:52.680 --> 00:33:55.040
that has not fully manifested into a relationship

689
00:33:55.040 --> 00:33:56.480
that we're confused about

690
00:33:56.480 --> 00:33:59.320
and we don't know where we stand with that person.

691
00:33:59.320 --> 00:34:00.600
We're going to go ahead and let that go

692
00:34:00.600 --> 00:34:02.280
and we're going to see what God brings.

693
00:34:02.280 --> 00:34:05.240
We need to make space for what we really want in this season.

694
00:34:05.240 --> 00:34:06.440
Italia, what do you got?

695
00:34:09.199 --> 00:34:10.560
Hi, can you hear me?

696
00:34:10.560 --> 00:34:11.480
I can hear you.

697
00:34:11.480 --> 00:34:12.520
How are you?

698
00:34:12.520 --> 00:34:13.840
Good, how are you doing?

699
00:34:13.840 --> 00:34:14.960
Good.

700
00:34:14.960 --> 00:34:16.440
I'm just going to read it really quick.

701
00:34:16.440 --> 00:34:17.800
I'll try to go really fast.

702
00:34:18.679 --> 00:34:19.840
So I've been dating my boyfriend

703
00:34:19.840 --> 00:34:22.320
for like, it's going on 11 months now.

704
00:34:22.320 --> 00:34:23.320
He's a great guy.

705
00:34:23.320 --> 00:34:25.719
He's really faithful to God and whatnot.

706
00:34:25.719 --> 00:34:27.440
And I think he'll make a great husband one day

707
00:34:27.440 --> 00:34:28.600
and everything was great

708
00:34:28.600 --> 00:34:31.600
for like the first six to eight months dating.

709
00:34:31.600 --> 00:34:34.000
But like after that and kind of during it,

710
00:34:34.000 --> 00:34:37.719
we were having like constant like friction and disagreements

711
00:34:37.719 --> 00:34:40.719
and basically I'll make a long story short.

712
00:34:40.719 --> 00:34:43.600
I found out through like a friend at church

713
00:34:43.600 --> 00:34:45.800
about like this book called How We Love

714
00:34:45.800 --> 00:34:48.800
and about attachment styles.

715
00:34:48.800 --> 00:34:51.960
And I found out that I'm avoided,

716
00:34:51.960 --> 00:34:54.880
which is also called avoidant dismissive.

717
00:34:54.880 --> 00:34:57.560
He's basically like, we both took like this quiz

718
00:34:57.560 --> 00:34:59.880
and he's like a vacillator, which is.

719
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:05.800
kind of like avoidant fearful and that's why we're having so much friction because he like kind of

720
00:35:06.520 --> 00:35:12.720
can make small things into big and cause a lot of conflict and that makes me want to be avoidant and

721
00:35:14.200 --> 00:35:19.760
So basically like I've been like the last time because we're also long-distance he was in Florida

722
00:35:19.760 --> 00:35:23.480
I live in North Carolina. So we see each other like once a month, but um

723
00:35:24.040 --> 00:35:28.760
The last like few times I've seen him. I haven't been like attracted to him like

724
00:35:29.560 --> 00:35:31.960
Almost like I felt nothing and

725
00:35:32.920 --> 00:35:36.640
I know he's a great guy and whatnot. So I'm just like is this like

726
00:35:37.200 --> 00:35:40.000
that way to dismiss him and me or I

727
00:35:41.120 --> 00:35:43.120
Don't know. We're trying to work on like

728
00:35:47.280 --> 00:35:52.400
Okay, so just so you know we have an entire module in here in the replays on attachment style

729
00:35:52.400 --> 00:35:54.760
I taught extensively on that earlier this year

730
00:35:55.480 --> 00:35:58.480
What happens in the anxious avoidant

731
00:35:59.000 --> 00:36:02.840
Kind of tethering that you're talking about is not all anxious

732
00:36:03.360 --> 00:36:08.800
Attachers are like this, but some anxious attachers if they think that you're pulling away

733
00:36:09.440 --> 00:36:11.880
For whatever reason and avoidance, you know

734
00:36:12.280 --> 00:36:17.640
They they have a tendency to give off the vibe that they could kind of live with you or without you

735
00:36:17.640 --> 00:36:23.520
And so when anxious people pick up on even the nuances of rejection some of them act out

736
00:36:23.960 --> 00:36:25.560
Some of them act badly

737
00:36:25.560 --> 00:36:30.680
Okay, they'll cause drama. They'll cause issues. They'll try to make you jealous there

738
00:36:30.680 --> 00:36:36.440
You know, they're they act out of insecurity. And so basically what happens is that I call it poking each other's orphaned

739
00:36:36.640 --> 00:36:42.800
So both of you have orphaned tendencies inside of you and your personalities are like just poking and just provoking one another

740
00:36:42.800 --> 00:36:46.880
And so what you have to do is you have to be able to sit down and have a you know

741
00:36:46.880 --> 00:36:51.400
A big grown-up conversation about this about him escalating

742
00:36:51.400 --> 00:36:56.080
You know a level 2 situation to a level 10 situation about you

743
00:36:56.960 --> 00:37:02.840
You know, especially when you know the drama happens you you keep pulling away even further

744
00:37:02.840 --> 00:37:06.720
this is what's so bad about anxious and avoidance actually getting a relationship together is

745
00:37:07.080 --> 00:37:10.440
The more that the anxious person kind of like tries to pull in

746
00:37:10.760 --> 00:37:14.800
Even with drama and all those things the avoidant person pulls more away

747
00:37:14.800 --> 00:37:17.240
And so it's just like it's like a tug-of-war

748
00:37:17.520 --> 00:37:23.720
And so you have to really be willing to get down to the root you said the first eight months were good

749
00:37:23.880 --> 00:37:28.920
That's because he probably felt secure in the relationship and you didn't feel threatened

750
00:37:29.360 --> 00:37:33.400
That you were being controlled or that you were being hedged in in the relationship

751
00:37:33.400 --> 00:37:37.320
But now something shifted and so if I were you I would pray about what that was

752
00:37:37.760 --> 00:37:42.080
What shifted eight months in that caused for the last you said 11 months?

753
00:37:42.080 --> 00:37:46.300
So what caused for the last, you know three months to be this way?

754
00:37:46.980 --> 00:37:53.460
What was it what was the thing that shifted that caused his insecurities to come out and your

755
00:37:54.580 --> 00:37:56.300
You know fear

756
00:37:56.300 --> 00:37:58.500
To come out of of being stuck

757
00:37:59.140 --> 00:38:01.740
You know or you know being controlled

758
00:38:01.900 --> 00:38:07.260
so it's important for us to dig into that and find out what that is in order to be able to

759
00:38:07.780 --> 00:38:09.780
Speak to it and fix it. Does that make sense?

760
00:38:10.540 --> 00:38:12.540
Yes

761
00:38:12.540 --> 00:38:14.540
People like help from that

762
00:38:18.780 --> 00:38:23.220
My husband is an anxious attacher and I'm gonna avoid an attacher and we've been married for 17 years

763
00:38:23.860 --> 00:38:25.860
So it's about becoming very self-aware

764
00:38:26.460 --> 00:38:28.460
I don't think that you ever really

765
00:38:28.860 --> 00:38:30.380
Change your attachment style

766
00:38:30.380 --> 00:38:34.060
but I think any attachment style can become secure in a

767
00:38:34.420 --> 00:38:39.620
relationship that they're in as they begin to recognize the stories that they tell themselves about

768
00:38:40.380 --> 00:38:42.380
the relationship and the connection

769
00:38:42.620 --> 00:38:44.180
So you have to become very self-aware

770
00:38:44.180 --> 00:38:47.100
So your first step to self-awareness is go watch that module

771
00:38:47.100 --> 00:38:48.300
It has a lot of really good information

772
00:38:48.300 --> 00:38:53.060
You probably haven't heard anywhere else when it comes to attachment style because it's holy holy spirit birthed

773
00:38:53.060 --> 00:38:57.740
And so go listen to that have him listen to it with you decide to have a vulnerable

774
00:38:58.460 --> 00:39:02.300
Conversation with each other about where things went wrong, you know

775
00:39:02.300 --> 00:39:07.500
How did something that felt so secure and so good go off the rails eight months in what's happening?

776
00:39:07.500 --> 00:39:08.820
Can we get it back on the rails?

777
00:39:08.820 --> 00:39:12.340
What are we willing to do to get to a place where we can trust each other and we can grow together?

778
00:39:12.780 --> 00:39:15.940
Otherwise, we're gonna have to call it quits and go ahead and move on

779
00:39:17.100 --> 00:39:18.660
Right. Yes

780
00:39:18.660 --> 00:39:25.180
So let's find out what happened and whether or not we're willing to really get honest and vulnerable so that it can get back

781
00:39:25.420 --> 00:39:27.420
into a good trajectory

782
00:39:28.340 --> 00:39:31.260
Okay, keep us posted on that. All right, everyone

783
00:39:31.260 --> 00:39:32.020
Love you so much

784
00:39:32.020 --> 00:39:38.740
These both are available in replay there's two because it stopped recording before see on the news tomorrow. I'll talk to you soon

785
00:39:38.740 --> 00:39:40.740
You