the guy. And I've been on four dates with the guy. And on the
second date, take your advice, I talked about my faith a little
bit in order to draw out his and so I found that he was raised
growing the church but does not go as an adult. He does have a
adolescent child who wants to go because they're in FCA at
school. So I think that's great. So then I left it that night.
And then on our third date, I said, it was New Year's Eve. So
cut me a little slack a little champagne. And I was like, how
do you feel about me like really loving Jesus? And he was like,
he goes, I love Jesus. And I was like, Oh, okay. And I said, so
like, you're gonna go with me or with your daughter to church?
And he's like, yeah. And so here's my question. When
someone's a pre believer, or maybe a not on the same level as
us believer, or this particular guy doesn't go to church? What
is our role now as the woman because part of me wants to
find him a Bible study and buy him a devotional and check in
every day. And I know that's not that's not being feminine. And
that's not my job. And so I'm just curious what our role is
with these like young people that are maybe not on the same
level of our faith as us.
Yeah, well, you just basically just said it, you guys,
everyone is at varying degrees of their relationship for, you
know, they're with their in their relationship with God.
Okay. And I think that we could all agree that our hunger for
knowing more of God ebbs and flows throughout life. Like
we're all believers, but our hunger to know more and to go
past where we've been kind of the watermark of our faith. It
ebbs and flows. Doesn't it? It does for me. I mean, you know,
I have I've had some, I've had some amazing encounters with
God. But I think that we all get to a place where we kind of
coast on our past encounters with God, instead of really
trying to have new ones. Right? Being open to having new ones,
and even being pursuing new ones, being pursuers of God. Am
I right? Okay. And so church is not the litmus test for me.
There's a lot of people that are deconstructing church
affiliation, lots of people. And the reason why is because a lot
of churches suck. Okay, they do. They're religious, they're
controlling, they're back in an old Moses model of where you
can't hear from God for yourself, you got to wait for
the pastor to hear from him. And obviously, the pastor is always
hearing that you need to give more money to the church, and
just whatever. Okay, there's a lot of small business, I call
it Church Incorporated, that is coming underneath the banner of
church. And so that has given her a bad name. There's a
bigotry, there's a lot of hatred, there's a lot of racism
and nationalism and isms, just galore, sexism. And so because
of that, a lot of people have turned away from that model. Now
are there amazing churches out there with, you know, true
pastors that are shepherding flocks? Yeah, there are, but
they're not the majority. And so people are deconstructing
that people are trying to find spiritual community, by the way,
friends, the Book of Acts, which is where the church was born, it
talks about spiritual community, it talks about fellowshipping
and doing life together. And that is the true model. And so
even if you do have a good church that you really like,
make sure that you're finding a smaller group of believers to do
life with, whether it's a home group, whether it's, I see
Sarah's here, she's on my homepage, she is part of a
group, a band of improv actors that are believers, that's a
family. Okay. And so I'm part of the entrepreneurial group of
believers, that's my family, those are the people that I get
that I trust the most to call me out and to tell me, you know,
what God's saying, and to correct me before, you know,
check me before I wreck me. And you got to have those people in
your life. And so that might look like, you know, a Christian
running club, it might look like a group of entrepreneurs, or
actors, or, you know, it could be anything, and you need that
in your life. And so it sounds like this guy hasn't had that.
And so friends, there's not I hope that you understand that
there's no one answer for this. She's got to discern whether or
not this guy is just one of those people that never got
plugged in, and he wants to be plugged in. And as soon as he
gets plugged into community, as soon as he gets invited into
community by someone, then he's gonna start growing, like a
little weed. And the reason why I don't say flowers, because
weeds grow a lot faster. And so, you know, and I think it's
important, God is using us, you guys, we're revivalists, each
and every one of you are revivalists in marriage and
family. He's using us even through
something called your love life,
to bring his marked children back into the flock,
to the fold, to places of upgrade.
And there'll be a lot of people
who even find themselves drawn to
and have peace about being in relationship
with what we would call a pre-believer,
because that person has had experience with Jesus,
but no one watered that seed,
and they haven't been discipled.
But as soon as that happens,
they are going to explode in a good way.
And so, Dana, you have to vet this out with the Lord.
You have to see what fruit is really there.
Yeah, there's a lot of fruit.
I mean, I've only been on four dates,
but still, I mean, a lot of fruit so far,
but I guess I've just in the past
tried to do a lot to bring them along,
you know what I mean?
And I wanna- You don't have to do that.
Not, I feel like besides talking
about my own relationship with the Lord,
being honest about that,
I mean, there's maybe nothing else to be doing.
We're praying for him, right?
No, I mean, yeah, and also just, you know,
if you have a spiritual community that's super rad
and you wanna introduce him to that,
just so you know, he might fall in love
with your spiritual community and not you,
and then you gotta go to church with this dude.
I can't get rid of him.
Okay, so yeah, that happens to a lot of people.
So once again, be very prayerful.
You seem like a mature Christian to me,
and I think you're gonna, God trusts you,
and I think that you need to trust yourself.
Okay, can I ask another question?
Yeah.
This has happened to me more than once.
It's in this situation also,
but so basically I found out on our first date
that his divorce was finalized that day.
So literally he has been divorced a couple of weeks now.
Okay. Yeah, great.
And he says it was a very long time coming.
They only got married because they were pregnant
and it was a struggle from day one and whatever.
But I've dated, here's my question.
I've been the first person multiple men have dated
like in the past, and I've gotten really burned
by they come in hard and fast.
They're so excited because one of them even told me,
he goes, when you're in a bad marriage
or when you're getting divorced,
you feel like such a piece of crap
that you're so excited when you get out and dating
and someone likes you and they treat you well
that you rush in and then you're like,
oh wait, I don't know about this.
So I guess my question is what are signs to look out for?
What are things to be mindful of?
So I don't end up being the rebound.
I'm not saying that this is the forever relationship,
but I don't wanna be a rebound again.
One of the ways that you don't become a rebound
is you don't let anything happen quickly.
Rebounds always happen quickly.
Pull a rubber band and then let go.
Very quickly it's gonna snap back.
That's a rebound, okay?
And I think anything is a rebound
where someone is trying again
with no new healing and no new information.
And so basically that should be your question.
Ladies, gentlemen,
anyone that you're dating that's been divorced,
whether they've been divorced for a day
or they've been divorced for 20 years,
you need to ask them the question,
what did you learn through your divorce?
And I did and he said that I chose the wrong person,
that I really want to not do it
because I'm being the right, a good guy,
but because I'm really in love.
Okay, but I don't like that answer.
I don't either.
Okay.
So that tells me that he hasn't owned
his side of the street yet, okay?
So he needs some heart work.
He's not owned his side of the street.
He thinks the only reason he's divorced
because he chose the wrong person.
You guys, that's, no, no, that's not a good answer.
That's not a good answer.
Okay, that answer is someone who's not self-aware.
And so those are things that you have to take a look at
when you're getting to know him.
And you don't,
you're allowed to get to know people over time.
Don't lock it down into level three.
Are you kissing this guy already?
We did do a peck on the lips at New Year's.
Okay.
So.
Tell him I don't want to do that anymore?
That's nice.
I mean, well, I mean, yeah.
I mean, if you start kissing him,
you're, you know, you're his girlfriend.
Okay.
Well, I don't feel like I'm his girlfriend yet.
I'm definitely not ready to be, so.
And just so you know, Dinah,
like I think true colors come out
when you're going a little quick
and you're just like, hey, let's get to know each other.
There's a lot of moving pieces here.
And there are some things that I want to compromise on.
I'm really, I really just want to see who you are.
If they stop showing up,
then,
then good.
Yeah.
No, I think he would handle that fine.
I think he would be like, okay, no worries.
But I think.
Good.
Okay.
See him, see what he's like.
Keep getting to know him.
See what he's like.
See what he's, you know,
willing to do or not do as far as his own work,
his own inner work.
What kind of, he has a child obviously
with this other person, right?
But one's enough if the person is unhealthy.
And so,
what's the, how old is the child?
What's the shared parenting like?
And so does he speak negatively of his former spouse?
He doesn't actually. He says, you know, he says she's not a bad person. She's a good mom.
We were not a good match. And the child is 12 and he has the standard parenting agreement,
but he clearly adores her. They talk all the time and he speaks super highly of the child.
He loves being a dad. But yeah, I think that I definitely want to slow it. Not that it's going
super fast, but you know, slow it down. Cause I don't want to be the rebound of like he dives in
of like a new relationship just to feel something, you know? Right. No, no. So would you recommend
to someone like you're, I agree. And he's not the first man that's told me that, that they like
chose the wrong person. I mean, do you think it's too much to ask someone to take the hard work?
Like, is that too forward? I mean, I wouldn't ask them to take it at this level of relationship.
But if you start seeing other like really good qualities and good fruit as you get to know him
over time but you really want him to unpack these bags before you guys get super serious or get
married, then yeah, of course, inner healing is always something that you can recommend and ask
someone to do if you're, if you're considering a serious relationship with them. Like if you're
on the maybe cusp of level three or are level three, you could ask him for that. I think so.
I mean, yeah, level three, level three, considering level three, going into that,
you guys, I'm going to tell you in 2025, the sexiest, most attractive people are going to
be people that have done the inner work. Yeah. Right. Those are going to be the people. I mean,
we don't care. You know, skip the Botox, spend your money on therapy. Okay. We've got to make
sure that we are shining from the inside because people are tired of being in unhealthy relationships.
And if someone's working on themselves, which all of you are, it is not attractive to be with
someone who's not. So on that note, I've wanted to send, I have sent a link to a couple of people
and I wanted to send a link to a couple of other people. Would you speak really briefly on what the
men's experience is? Like if we send them the. It's the same as the women's experience. They
have phase one, they have phase one, two, and three. It's just a much smaller group of men
that are in the actual program itself and not just the challenge. And, um, but they have Monday
nights, live coaching. They obviously are able to come on all of these coaching calls. And so they
go through heartwork. They go through dating coaching. They go through divine masculine
boundaries, uh, dating one-on-one. They go through all the same stuff. Okay. Awesome. So it's like a
six week, just like a six week class with coaching and a book. And they have part work for guys and
it's the same program except it's for guys. And, uh, they have live coaching on Mondays
with male coaches. Sometimes they have me and then they have all of this.
So all the stuff that's available in phase three, they have all of this.
Okay. Okay. All right. Thank you. Okay. You're welcome, Dinah. Keep us posted.
Hey, Sarah.
This woman is a phenomenal improv actor. She is so funny and I've seen her perform
several times now and she's great. Thank you.
How can I increase my ability to stay in the healthy area of hope?
I've noticed that I can either be what I'll call the ditch of despair, where I don't think any
relationship will work out. And I anticipate how the conversation will not lead to actually
meeting in person. Or if I'm like, wait a second, they haven't tripped any of those
concerns. Now I have to make this relationship work and I get really anxious. So how do I
avoid both of those kind of extremes and stay in what I would call healthy hope?
Okay. So we do have, I do have a session on hope. So if you haven't seen that,
then you might want to go and find the replay. Um, but both of those, um, reactions are rooted
somewhere. Okay. So, you know, the evil forebodings of, oh, it's not going to work
out. It's not going to, you know, this, this is going good, but it's not going to get to a face
to face. I don't want to get my hopes up because I'm just going to be disappointed. And, or,
oh, this person has, you know, they've crawled, they've passed all of the tests here. And it
looks like, you know, it is going to get to a face to face. And now I'm feeling anxious about
now I'm going to actually have to like meet this person or get to know this person. And both of
those places are rooted someplace, right? They're both rooted somewhere. And so you have to pray and
ask Holy spirit to show you guys, this is heartwork one-on-one. Where is this rooted?
Why do I feel this way? What's going on?
here you know and so I would take those things separately to Holy Spirit but I
bet they're both rooted in the same place okay fear of rejection I think
they're both rooted in fear of rejection because one is like oh he's gonna they're
gonna reject me and the other one is oh I gotta try to make this work and you
know and then when you know it's we'll get together and stuff and they're gonna
reject me so it's gonna it all comes back down to this is never going to get
to the level that I want it to get to because they're either gonna sabotage it
or I'm going to right yeah right so dig into some more
hard work identity work you guys so many success stories that we have you guys
always see the finished product you see me posting the smiling faces that their
engagement or their wedding so much went into those stories I really need to tell
you that because otherwise you're gonna think there's something wrong with you
and there's something right with those people no the only thing right with
those people is that they didn't give up they stayed in here they believe that
God called them here that it was supernatural that there's a grace on
this movement to help people get married because there there is we have more
success stories of anybody out there and the reason why is because they're doing
the preliminary work that is going to save their marriage before it starts
marriage is hard it is God's not holding out on you until you put enough coins
in the slot machine to you know give you the grand prize of a spouse but what
is happening is an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure you are getting
out of all these insecurities and all these belief systems and all the
different things some of you you know all of you are in phase three so all of
you have done hard work you've done that you know the dating accelerator and now
you're out there meeting people and trying out these tools in real time it's
important that you continue to do that because when I tell you that we have
people in their first two years of marriage that kind of moved in really
quickly into that level of relationship and didn't spend enough time right here
in this group doing this there you're gonna do it before or after is basically
what I want to tell you so let's do it now yeah let's do it now it's important
to just do it now and that way the first two years could be a whole lot more
enjoyable and then not and I think some of you even know people that have
struggled in their first two years of marriage even though they know it was
God that brought them together they love Jesus all the things loving Jesus is not
the only thing that you need in a match it's not okay so Sarah we're excited
that 2025 is gonna be your year to not only you know have a spirit mate but
actually to get past these watermarks that you keep hitting of relationship
and and make sure that they either love improv or they're also involved because
I feel like I feel like that's a gift that God is going to continue to develop
for you thank you so I would love to be in an improv troop that would be so we
don't have one here in Austin though but who knows maybe someday all right so
thanks Sarah you guys we're getting a little bit we're getting a little late
here so I just need you to tell me your question in 20 seconds or less I'm gonna
answer it but I'm not gonna get in depth like these other two I'm gonna take the
four people that have their hands up so Rachel go ahead and go it's gonna be
Rachel Shelly Gabriela and Italia and then we're gonna be done so 30 seconds
or less what's your question yeah hi yeah hi yeah so I met Jason on bumper
and then we met for a date five days after he was back hey he was back in
Singapore for a holiday he's based in Perth five hours flight away from me he's
Singaporean soon as me and I'm in Singapore so in the one week that he's
here so we met on 26 and then we had two other dates and he's left back to Perth
first gen so we're still texting so doing this three days in Singapore it
progressed quite quickly I mean we literally were friends long ago so we
find each other familiar on bumper and I said yeah let's let's do coffee and then
just in case he's a fake identity and then yeah so we were in the same church
when we were like 20 so that's well one in 30 years ago I'm 50 in January I mean
this month and he's 49 so he wasn't a band he played the bass I'm the dance
ministry so my eyes were not looking at men because I was attached then but we
had all these same background and everything and so we had loads of common
friends so you know composition is very authentic it's just like you know so
who's who's doing whatever and so also am I like this and therefore I got to
know his past about what happened in the marriage what went wrong so he's pretty
healed like he would he would own his side of the street saying that he could
have done a little bit better in communication
He could have marriage counselling.
And we went to service, the last Sunday service of the year, we went to a mega church together.
I just told him I'm going.
And the day before, he texted me, what time are you going, and the time aligns, he said,
I'm coming with my son.
So I said, okay, that's too fast for me to even see his son.
But yeah, we went together, he took a meter seat.
And it was pretty impressive.
I mean, he was, you know, managing the screen time on his son, da da da.
And then we had McDonald's for lunch, the son wanted to have lunch together, and then
we do.
And then when Brendan, the son, he told me, I mean, Jason told me that he's ADHD.
Yeah.
So and then when Brendan walked away for a little bit, he said, he's glad that Brendan
got a chance to see me while he's here.
And so after each date, he would ask me to go over to Perth.
I'm not unfamiliar with Perth.
I studied in Canberra before.
So yeah, and so the question is, yeah, three dates in a week.
It's too overwhelming.
It's, it's pretty suddenly, I mean, like, I don't expect to meet someone new, or for
the matter, someone from the past, with so much commonalities, and yeah, so it's very
easy to talk because it's like, some of these marriage things work, da da da da da da.
Okay.
So first of all, I one of my favorite success stories is in Perth.
And she lived in the most isolated city in the world.
She thought she'd never get married.
And she actually flew here to Austin with Nigel, her fiance, and I married them.
So I performed that wedding.
But they live in Perth.
And Perth is amazing.
And you know, because he has a child.
How old is his child?
10 years.
I'm going 11 this year.
Okay.
So, so you would have to move to Perth.
The interesting thing is that while he was here, he did raise some bits about, I mean,
he's a single dad, 100% custody right now.
And it's very full on because no helper situation in Perth.
In Singapore, he's very different.
I mean, family members are here.
He did mention something about, oh, Yvonne, back in Singapore, this is the band I'm going
to play in.
I was like, oh, okay.
So, but we didn't talk much about it because it's just too, too far, but indicative.
And I was like, I would love to live across the borders, which is in Malaysia.
So what's, what's your next, what's your, what's your next plan?
I mean, I like it that something's come full circle, that you guys have same friends, that
you used to go to church together back in a different season of your life.
I, you guys, just so you know, long distance is always marathon dates.
If you're going to do long distance and someone's coming to visit, you're going to have three
dates in one week, just like Rachel did.
That's normal.
And yes, it can be overwhelming.
And then you have to take some time to kind of decompress after they leave and really
kind of sort through your feelings of, did you have a good time?
Is there the kind of connection that you want to build on?
Because long distance takes a lot of commitment, but is your, is your question, should you
go to Perth to visit?
Yeah.
Like, should I, I mean, would I, or, I mean, I'm, I run a studio here.
It's a lot to leave.
It's a lot.
Yeah.
So, and I don't know.
I mean, should I go?
Like, like he asked three times, like, do I go there just for a holiday?
We have not talked about anything, like, you know, whatever, it's just having fun, getting
to know each other.
Yeah.
There's a lot of, there's a lot of investment that you have to do with long distance.
And I think that, you know, if you're going to go to Perth, you know, you kind of see
him in his element and with his life, you know, and stuff.
And he sounds like he has, you know, relatives and he's familiar with Singapore cause he's
from there originally.
I think that you can do that for sure.
You guys can split the cost of some of this travel and different things.
Maybe stay with friends of theirs, family members of theirs, possibly even church members
of theirs to kind of cut down on costs if that's what you got to do.
I think that, you know, there's no commitment here, but there is something that's starting
something that sounds pretty promising.
And I think that you should invest in it as you feel led to do so, and that you have peace
to do so.
Pretty peaceful about it.
I did track, you know, where there's like discounts and there is, and then it's not
that big of an amount.
So my question is, do I go ask just like a holiday, take a break, or do we need to have
a talk talk or just flow?
And what's the timeframe?
What's like from now?
Like I told him I'm turning 50.
I think that you're still getting to know each other.
So I don't think you need to have a talk about it.
Hopefully after this trip to Perth, you guys may need to make a decision about whether
or not you're going to pursue something serious.
You know,
I have a great answer for that.
To then get the next phase, that kind of thing.
Yeah.
So you know, it would stay, it would stay as is.
Yeah, sort of video calls and all that, yeah.
Yeah, you should be doing that.
You're not doing that.
So you're right to enrich me to put it,
I mean, it's hard, it's gonna be hard work,
but it's, I think it's worth it.
It's just, it's, yeah, I should go.
Like when, like two months down the road,
three months in Q1 or something?
I don't, I think that if you guys have the ability
to see each other more often, you should.
I don't think that putting, with long distance,
you guys, I do recommend that you see someone
at least every month to six weeks, if you can.
And then in between, do a lot of talking,
a lot of talking, a lot of FaceTime.
You guys, long distance is a totally different animal.
If you're meeting someone long distance already,
friends, you can see this in all my dating coaching
in phase two, go back and watch those videos.
You really do need to get with that person
within the first couple of months of meeting them online
or meeting them virtually.
You need to get with them in person.
You need to see if the chemistry in person
is the same chemistry that you're building online
with each other.
If it is, you need to make a plan
of how you guys are going to go back and forth
and share the cost.
You know, like I said, find creative ways
to cut the cost of them staying with friends or family
or any of those things in order to spend as much time
together as you can within the first six months
of the acquaintance or the relationship
to see whether or not this is something
that you want to actually pursue to marriage.
Okay?
If he would like to host me,
like three times he's asked me is to stay with him.
Not at all.
I mean, I wouldn't stay with him.
I mean, you don't barely even know him
just as a safety precaution, not like a...
I mean, we have a lot.
I mean, like I do know him like from years ago.
Exactly, from years ago.
I mean, I wouldn't stay with him your first trip to Perth.
Even if you can control yourself and not jump his bones,
I wouldn't stay with him.
But I would ask him if he has friends
or someone that you could stay with that have an extra room.
I think I would stay close by,
but I wouldn't actually stay with him and his son
because he has full custody.
So I don't think that you should stay with him
and his 10-year-old son.
I don't.
If you guys started getting serious
and he was your girlfriend
and you're traveling back and forth
and you guys can, you're adults, you guys can work that out.
But for your first trip and you just met him,
saw him again after all these years
and spent three days together, I wouldn't stay at his house.
All right?
Okay.
Thank you guys.
You're welcome.
You guys, I need to, we're almost two hours in.
So Shelly and Gabriela and Talia,
I need really quick 30 seconds.
What's the question right from the get-go?
What do you got?
Okay.
Hi, Jackie.
I've been seeing a guy for a couple months.
Our sixth date was on New Year's Eve, long date.
Really good guy.
Lots of green flags, lots of good qualities.
Our first date, I noticed he speaks with a lisp
and it was a little distracting to me.
Okay.
But there were so many good things.
I was like, I'll just keep getting to know him better.
And sometimes I notice it a lot and sometimes not.
On New Year's Eve, and it was a long day
because we went for a hike.
We basically were together all day.
He's in Denver, I'm in Colorado Springs.
I met his roommates, I met friends.
Anyway, short, I was quite distracted all day
and it almost kind of took me offline
in terms of my engagement, but I stayed really engaged
and I think we, everything was fine.
But I just was feeling a lot of emotions
that were tricky to manage for different reasons
because I was tired and reflecting on the year
and lots of things.
So I guess my lingering question is like,
I don't want to make something a thing.
I don't know if I, how do you know if something
is really like going to be a problem
or if it will fade over time?
I guess that's kind of a question I have.
Well, the question is, the answer is,
is that, you know, spend time.
Yeah.
I mean, this is a new relationship, you guys.
No one's going to be perfect.
Everyone's going to have something about them
that you can find the ick with if you really want to.
You can find an ick, okay?
Something that's like, oh, I don't,
I'm not attracted to that.
That's kind of a turnoff for me.
There are all kinds of people that have disabilities.
They have disabilities that can be seen,
disabilities that can't be seen.
Some people have things like fibromyalgia.
They can't, you can't see those things,
but you know, their bodies ache and they, you know,
they get worn out really quickly and need to sit down.
You know, it's not anything that's going to kill them,
but it's going to affect your life with each other.
And you just have to really get to know someone
and get to know the good things about them
before you let something that's not ideal about them
cause you to cross them off a list.
Yes. Good.
Yes. Okay.
And you're saying right now that there.
a lot of extenuating circumstances to that meeting
as far as end of the year, reflection, tired, long day.
So-
I'm an introvert and it was like solid people time
for like 15 hours.
Remember, it's always a yes until it's a no.
And so if it's not a no, then it's still a yes.
Okay, that's good.
Thank you, Jackie.
Yep, you're welcome.
Gabriela, short, brief, and powerful.
What do you got?
Hey, Jackie.
Okay, so I've had a crush on a guy at my church
for almost the last year.
And I-
Listen, I know all about this
because I read it in the chat.
So what's your question?
Like I read it in the group where you posted it.
Do I just give up on him
because I saw him sitting with another woman?
And also there was another,
I posted about a guy that was,
that left the Jehovah's Witness Church
and the Mormon Church
and is now going to a Christian church.
But I found out he's still currently married
and because he's trying to adopt his ex's niece
who they got guardianship of
because her parents went to prison.
So they're waiting to divorce
until they can adopt the girl.
I told him I just want to be friends
until the divorce is finalized,
but he's still texting me.
Okay, so he's not respecting your boundaries.
You said you just want to be friends,
but he's plowing through your boundaries.
Also, he is divorcing someone
that he's going to become a father to.
He's divorcing someone
that he's going to become a parent of someone else with.
So he's getting divorced,
but he's going to actually legally adopt someone
and then divorce somebody.
Yeah, she left him
because she decided to leave the Mormon Church
and become a lesbian.
So he wants to still be in his daughter's life
that he's raised for like seven years,
which it just seems really messy and I don't-
It's very messy
and the last thing that you need is messy.
The bigger red flag here
is someone who isn't respecting
what you've already told them,
and that is I want you to go
and take care of your own business
before you start coming and talking to me.
I don't think so.
So yes, and so with the other guy,
I mean, you've liked this guy at church for a while.
You've had a crush on him
and this other woman's seeking him out.
They're walking, they're talking.
She's also single.
He's sitting with her.
I mean, it looks on the outside like he might like her.
You know?
I mean, he's approached me a couple of times
and we've chatted, but nothing further.
He hasn't pursued anything, so.
Right, and he's not trying to sit by you.
He's not, you know, walking with you around the church.
You understand what I'm saying?
Yeah.
So yeah, so I would go ahead and release it
because all of you, please listen.
You do not have time
for any kind of pseudo situationships going into 2025.
Let's clear the slate.
Because like Gabriella's situation,
if it's gonna be something,
then just go ahead and let it go
and let it come back around on its own, okay?
Let it like, you know, just go ahead and go, let it go.
And then if it circles back around to you, okay,
then we can entertain it again.
But right now, we're gonna let everything go
that hasn't manifested into a full-blown relationship
that includes all the people that you had crushes on
or you thought maybe had crushes on you
and you're not sure what this is.
You want it in a couple of days,
but then they disappeared, then they came back,
then they disappeared, then they came back.
Let's let all of it go.
Every single, clear the slate.
When I was a kid, you know, you get to,
if you got chalkboard duty,
you got to clean the erasers
and you got to clean the chalkboard with the water.
Y'all remember all that?
Or am I super old?
I don't know.
But all I know is that we need to do that.
We need to clear the chalkboard fully,
erase everything that's on there,
and let's let God, let's let him with us,
co-partner with us to write something new.
We're going to let go of everything
that has not fully manifested into a relationship
that we're confused about
and we don't know where we stand with that person.
We're going to go ahead and let that go
and we're going to see what God brings.
We need to make space for what we really want in this season.
Italia, what do you got?
Hi, can you hear me?
I can hear you.
How are you?
Good, how are you doing?
Good.
I'm just going to read it really quick.
I'll try to go really fast.
So I've been dating my boyfriend
for like, it's going on 11 months now.
He's a great guy.
He's really faithful to God and whatnot.
And I think he'll make a great husband one day
and everything was great
for like the first six to eight months dating.
But like after that and kind of during it,
we were having like constant like friction and disagreements
and basically I'll make a long story short.
I found out through like a friend at church
about like this book called How We Love
and about attachment styles.
And I found out that I'm avoided,
which is also called avoidant dismissive.
He's basically like, we both took like this quiz
and he's like a vacillator, which is.
kind of like avoidant fearful and that's why we're having so much friction because he like kind of
can make small things into big and cause a lot of conflict and that makes me want to be avoidant and
So basically like I've been like the last time because we're also long-distance he was in Florida
I live in North Carolina. So we see each other like once a month, but um
The last like few times I've seen him. I haven't been like attracted to him like
Almost like I felt nothing and
I know he's a great guy and whatnot. So I'm just like is this like
that way to dismiss him and me or I
Don't know. We're trying to work on like
Okay, so just so you know we have an entire module in here in the replays on attachment style
I taught extensively on that earlier this year
What happens in the anxious avoidant
Kind of tethering that you're talking about is not all anxious
Attachers are like this, but some anxious attachers if they think that you're pulling away
For whatever reason and avoidance, you know
They they have a tendency to give off the vibe that they could kind of live with you or without you
And so when anxious people pick up on even the nuances of rejection some of them act out
Some of them act badly
Okay, they'll cause drama. They'll cause issues. They'll try to make you jealous there
You know, they're they act out of insecurity. And so basically what happens is that I call it poking each other's orphaned
So both of you have orphaned tendencies inside of you and your personalities are like just poking and just provoking one another
And so what you have to do is you have to be able to sit down and have a you know
A big grown-up conversation about this about him escalating
You know a level 2 situation to a level 10 situation about you
You know, especially when you know the drama happens you you keep pulling away even further
this is what's so bad about anxious and avoidance actually getting a relationship together is
The more that the anxious person kind of like tries to pull in
Even with drama and all those things the avoidant person pulls more away
And so it's just like it's like a tug-of-war
And so you have to really be willing to get down to the root you said the first eight months were good
That's because he probably felt secure in the relationship and you didn't feel threatened
That you were being controlled or that you were being hedged in in the relationship
But now something shifted and so if I were you I would pray about what that was
What shifted eight months in that caused for the last you said 11 months?
So what caused for the last, you know three months to be this way?
What was it what was the thing that shifted that caused his insecurities to come out and your
You know fear
To come out of of being stuck
You know or you know being controlled
so it's important for us to dig into that and find out what that is in order to be able to
Speak to it and fix it. Does that make sense?
Yes
People like help from that
My husband is an anxious attacher and I'm gonna avoid an attacher and we've been married for 17 years
So it's about becoming very self-aware
I don't think that you ever really
Change your attachment style
but I think any attachment style can become secure in a
relationship that they're in as they begin to recognize the stories that they tell themselves about
the relationship and the connection
So you have to become very self-aware
So your first step to self-awareness is go watch that module
It has a lot of really good information
You probably haven't heard anywhere else when it comes to attachment style because it's holy holy spirit birthed
And so go listen to that have him listen to it with you decide to have a vulnerable
Conversation with each other about where things went wrong, you know
How did something that felt so secure and so good go off the rails eight months in what's happening?
Can we get it back on the rails?
What are we willing to do to get to a place where we can trust each other and we can grow together?
Otherwise, we're gonna have to call it quits and go ahead and move on
Right. Yes
So let's find out what happened and whether or not we're willing to really get honest and vulnerable so that it can get back
into a good trajectory
Okay, keep us posted on that. All right, everyone
Love you so much
These both are available in replay there's two because it stopped recording before see on the news tomorrow. I'll talk to you soon
You