All right, hey, there we go.
Hey, welcome gentlemen and lady
to Men's Heart Check-In February 17th.
Good to see y'all.
My lovely wife is here and we're gonna have a good time.
Yes, I just wanted to touch base with you guys.
How many of you guys are talking to someone right now?
Paul is?
Gone on dates, but nothing exclusive.
Okay, and Daniel, you guys,
you're still talking to Ruth, right?
Yeah.
By the way, just insider information,
you know, Ruth is scared the bottom's gonna fall out
of that.
Just because that, not because of anything
that's happened in that relationship,
but just because you guys,
and I tell you this all the time,
but the further that you get into liking someone
and into relationship, that level three into,
I'm sorry, that level two into level three
and deeper into level three,
it's gonna bring all the heart wounds to the yard, okay?
It's gonna bring it all to the surface for sure
for both of you.
And it's important that when that happens,
that you realize that you're probably just doing
what I call poking each other's orphan.
So if you start to get to a place where you're just like,
things are just coming up and you're being triggered
or they're being triggered,
it's because something that's happening
in the relationship is just, you know,
it's poking that unhealed place of them and vice versa.
So make sure that instead of just cutting
and running from the relationship
when that starts to happen,
that you start to be very self-aware and introspective
and use your heartwork tools.
You guys, this is where the heartwork tools come into
a fact where you're like, okay, let me stop for a second.
Let me feel like, what am I feeling?
You know, where's that feeling coming from?
When's the first time I ever felt that feeling?
Like what memory is it connected to?
What trauma is it connected to?
Have I fully unpacked that?
Have I healed from that?
Do I still believe lies based on that trauma
about myself, about women, about men,
about marriage, about God, wherever it stems from.
And you guys, I will tell you, I noticed,
and I wanna say this, I was making fun of it
because I have to laugh because, you know,
it's not funny, but it is funny.
I was on the news, the national news, News Nation,
and the majority of the people that watch that are men.
And of course, not Christian men, probably.
And it was about, it was before Valentine's Day,
and it was about this article that was written by a man
called Marriage Recession, talking about how marriage
was at an all-time low since the 80s.
So since 1980 on, marriage has declined
and has continued to decline, marriage rates.
And so what is behind Marriage Recession?
You know, they wanted me to weigh in on that, so I did.
And the lady that was the reporter, the news anchor,
you know, it was her, they call it a hit.
It was her hit, it was her story.
And so she was kind of leading me in the direction
that she wanted to go, and I was just answering questions
based on what she was saying.
But, you know, I feel like she was kind of maybe
blaming it on men, but I didn't go that direction.
I kind of took it a different direction.
But the comments afterward kind of take the temperature
of how men, once again, probably not Christian men,
how they feel about marriage.
So this be conservative men, probably over 40.
And the comments were terrible, you guys.
They were just like, you know, marriage is a place
where men get taken advantage of, you know,
unless you're ready to lose 50% of your stuff
and your hard work, don't get married, go overseas,
find a submissive wife, Westernized women
are just after your money.
Just like so much just guile.
And I think that that is, because when I, you know,
I posted on TikTok about marriage,
I got a lot of the same like, marriage is not, you know,
it's not beneficial for men, men shouldn't get married.
One guy even went as far as to say,
until the marriage rate is 0%, we still have work to do.
You know, that kind of thing.
So definitely bitter hearts, hardened hearts,
hurtful things.
And so I want you guys to really, you know,
do some hard work this week
about how do you think about marriage?
I mean, all of you are here because you wanna be married
at some level or at some point in time,
which is why you're here.
But start to really question,
what do I really believe about marriage?
What have my experiences told me about marriage?
The marriages around me, how good are they?
Do I know any happily married men?
What do their marriages look like?
I really want you to dig into that, okay?
Those are important questions
that you need to be asking yourself
because it could be tied, based on your answers,
it could be tied to your temperature toward marriage.
Some of you really have.
cold feet. You're dragging your feet. You say you want to be married, but your actions
are not congruent to that because you're finding all kinds of reasons, even all the way to
God as to why you can't make a match. And so I propose to you that marriage is always
going to be work, that it's always going to be an evolution of both people becoming more
and more perfected in Christ. It is God's maturity plan for mankind. I was telling a
female student of ours today, she broke up with her level three boyfriend. They broke
up and she cited the reasons why they broke up. And I really didn't think they were good
reasons. I felt like both of them kind of got scared and there was a lot of, oh, I don't
know that our callings are in alignment, just that kind of mess. And I'm telling you guys
right now, unless you have a calling specifically that's been confirmed to you, like be a missionary
in Iraq, okay, where not a lot of people want to go, then yeah, that's going to be a specialized
situation. If you have kids and you have to stay geographically somewhere because you
have a co-parent that you're parenting with, yeah, those are missions in life that you're
definitely going to have to find a specialized match, but God has it. Everything else, you
guys can get on board with that with each other. David and I are very different. We
have very different gift sets. But as soon as we got married, God began to unlock assignments
that we could do together. And some that we don't do together, some that are just individual
but that we support each other in. And so I really don't want you to get stuck in what
is in my opinion, religious minutiae. Okay, we don't want to do that. But I really jumped
on here because I want to make sure that when you do make these connections, guys all know
that Abram was on the dating game. Okay. He had seven beauties to choose from. He chose
two and you know what's so interesting? He chose the exact two that I thought he was
going to choose. So it's like, all right. So he chose the two, I mean, even before the
game when I, cause I knew who they were in advance and he chose the exact two, get this.
Talk about, you know, serendipitous. One of the girls he chose was someone that he saw
me post on my Instagram. Didn't know anything about it. I just posted a picture of her.
He didn't know anything about this girl at all, but he messaged me and said, Hey, she
looks interesting. I'd like to know more, but I had never gotten back to him yet because
the dating game was the next day. And then the other girl he chose was someone that asked
me about him. Someone who reached out to me about his spotlight. And so those are the
two girls that he chose. And the reason why I'm bringing this up and shoot, he's not here,
but I want to give him, you know, real live coaching feedback. Of course he wants that
and has asked for that. So he'll have to listen to this in replay, but right out of
the gate. And the reason why I know is because one of the girls sent me the receipts. She
sent me the text receipts. So right out of the gate, he texted her, he introduced himself
to her and immediately, who did you vote for in the last election? No, you guys, no, do
not do that. It might be important to you and you might want to be aligned, you know,
spouse. No, you don't know. That is not the first question. All right. And then the second
question he asked, God bless him. You know, are you vaccinated? No, y'all listen. And
some of you would do the same thing. And that's why it's important that we have this conversation.
And that's why I showed up tonight because you guys need to know, you guys need to know
that that is not, that is not how we want to start the conversation. When you guys are
meeting a woman for the first time, the way that you want to start the conversation is
light. Okay. You want to start at light, lighthearted, have some fun, get to know each other. You
can talk about politics and all of that later. You know, don't ask them right off the bat
if it's long distance, if they'd be willing to relocate to where you live, you guys, these
are not questions. It's not an interview. This is not an interview for them to join
your conservative militia. Okay. This is not, that's not what's happening here. Okay. What's
happening here is you're meeting a woman and you got to treat, listen, you got to treat
her like a woman. It's a girl. These are not your bros. This is a girl. Okay. So you have
to be chivalrous. You know, you have to be gentlemanly. You need to put your best foot
forward. Now, even if you don't think it's going to be a match because of, you know,
whatever reason, say you're being introduced to this person because they responded to a
spotlight and you're not really sure about them. You don't know anything about them.
So you're kind of like flying blind with that. Right. Someone's unmuted, babe. There's some
background noise, David.
Hey, me.
Okay, so.
Babe, sorry, I muted you, I think, sorry.
By accident.
You want me to unmute?
That's kind of random.
I just muted myself.
Jackie.
You done messed up.
A-A-Ron, okay.
Sorry, babe, I, it was an accident,
I popped up there and then.
Your button came up under my arrow as I was clicking and.
Okay, so all I was saying is,
is that even if it's kind of a blind,
a blind introduction in the way that you didn't pick them,
but for whatever reason, you're talking to them
because, you know, you've been set up on the situation,
still act like a gentleman, still be chivalrous.
Even if you're not attracted,
even if you're not feeling chemistry,
even if, you know, they say something
that you don't really agree with,
there isn't any reason to start a debate or an argument.
There's no reason for that.
You know, you actually don't ever have to see
this person ever again.
So there isn't any reason to try to set them straight
or, you know, to debate why they're wrong about X, Y, Z.
I actually know a couple,
I actually know more than one couple
that did not like each other.
They knew each other from community.
They were both on the same worship team.
They didn't like each other's vibe.
They got on each other's nerves when they first met
because they didn't know each other deeper.
It's like Abraham Lincoln said,
I don't like this man, I must get to know him better.
They got to know each other better and actually got married.
They got thrown together on a project,
had to work together, actually got to know each other,
got past the surface stuff
that they didn't like about each other, the egos,
and they fell in love.
So, you know, unless she's completely repulsive,
I would at least give her a second date
because sometimes people are a bad first impression
and they're nervous and they say stupid crap.
They do.
And so let's just give it a second chance
if there was anything that was redeemable
about the connection.
So guys, I really want when you're,
because you're all going to get a chance to be spotlighted
if you want to be.
We have another spotlight coming up this Thursday.
If you want to be part of it, please let me know.
I have like five or six guys already that are ready to go.
I really want you guys,
someone's trying to call me, of course.
I really want you guys to be spotlighted.
And then, you know, as women write in about you,
we try to vet it out just so you know,
we try to screen the women as best we can.
Like, for instance, if we know like Chris Barth
that you want to get married and have babies,
if someone writes in to us about you
that's like 55 years old, we usually screen that out.
You know, we're not going to, you know,
if you say you can't relocate
because you have shared parenting
and someone else writes into us
that also has small children and is, you know,
lives on the other side of the country from you,
we screen it out because there isn't any,
there's no reason to even start those introductions, right?
So we do our best to screen.
If we think that it's per someone you might be interested in,
in any way, shape, or form,
then we're going to go ahead
and forward those connections to you.
So, but when you do make those connections,
you guys, please be on your best behavior, okay?
Let's have grace.
Let's show class.
Let's definitely not try to dig into someone's past
or, you know, ask them inappropriate questions
that are too personal for right now,
political questions included.
You know, let's not try to dig into that
because all you're trying to do
is just cross them off the list
because they're not what you're looking for, basically.
And, you know, I'll just tell you something about women.
Most women are far less political than men.
And most women, because God has given us a gift of empathy,
we're a lot more socially liberal than men.
Like I'm a conservative.
I usually vote, I've always voted conservative
my whole life because of the candidates
and choosing the conservative candidate.
But I will tell you that there are some things,
like for instance, here's a perfect example.
The White House put out a Valentine.
Did any of you see it?
Raise your hand if you saw the Valentine
that came from the White House social media account.
This is not, this is not the onion.
This was truly the White House that put out this Valentine.
Okay?
It was a picture of Donald Trump and some other guy,
and I don't know who the guy was.
And they were, just their heads
were put onto a pink Valentine.
And the Valentine said this,
"'Roses are red, violets are blue.
"'If you come here illegally, we will deport you.'"
That is what it said.
Now, I mean, yeah, at first glance,
that might give kind of a shocking little chuckle
because it's the White House,
but it also is really, it's really tacky.
Okay?
highest office in America is tacky and most women would feel like that's tacky.
They'd feel like that lacks class.
Also, they would be concerned about all the good people that they know that live
here in America that are not here.
They're not here illegally, but they're also not citizens of this country.
You know, they're working towards citizenship.
Um, and they're trying to, and by the way, the path to citizenship to be an
American legally here is hard.
It's not easy.
It's hard.
And so immediately a woman like me might think, you know, yeah, we don't want
criminals here, especially illegally.
We don't want criminals here legally or illegally hurting people, hurting our
children, but at the same time, we need to make an easier path towards
citizenship for good people.
Like there needs to be reform, right?
The word is reform.
And so what does that mean?
That probably means that women are a lot more empathetic.
Then men are socially.
So you guys, that's what makes us good for you.
Cause men have a tendency to be black and white and wrong and right.
There are some men that are tuned into their feminine and they're a lot
more empathetic than other men, but a lot of men are wrong and right,
black and white kind of guys, facts, please just give me the facts.
And so you need us to kind of cultivate in you, um, more of that
compassion and empathy, right?
It's important.
We bring that to the table for most men.
I know some of you are extremely, um, empathic people.
So, um, Bravo on that.
So anyway, I just want to let you know that we want to be making sure that we
just, you know, treat these connections with a lot of respect and, and don't
come out guns blaring.
Okay.
All right.
Does anyone have any questions before I hop off?
Hey, empathy, not sympathy.
Yes.
Mike, one of the questions, like, I think this will help everybody.
Cause, um, when somebody had, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm not dating anybody
that has long distance and they approach it like, what would be a good tact to
honorably say, you know, I'm not doing, I'm not doing that, how, how to do it
with honor and respect when you're not interested, I think that's something
I struggle with a lot because I, um, I mean, I have a, so I have a, I have a
been on the calls cause I don't want any attention, you know, I, you know,
but at the same time,
that's fair, that's fair.
Okay.
So you guys, if a woman reaches out to you kind of out of the blue, um, you
know, uh, that's not your friend on Facebook.
First of all, you don't have to friend people on Facebook and Facebook has
this really nifty thing where it dumps people that are not your friends into
your spam filter or your message request box.
You have to actually accept those message requests.
You have to accept those messages.
Message requests.
You have to accept them.
Otherwise it just stays in your spam filter and you can see the message.
You can see who it's from, but unless you accept it, it doesn't go to your
inbox and it doesn't show red on your side.
Doesn't show the person that you read it.
So if I were you, I would just decline those message requests from people that,
you know, you know, that you're not interested in romantically getting to
know, cause quite frankly, that's why they're sending you a message request
is to make a romantic connection.
And so if you know that, then just go ahead and delete them.
And so easy done.
Now, if it's a situation where they somehow do get through to you, then
truth is always the best policy.
And so that's hard for Mike cause he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
But being led on is going to be much more harmful to someone
than being told the truth.
And you can say with a lot of class, you can say, Hey, I'm very
flattered that you reached out.
Especially if they're just like, Hey, would you like to do a call?
Like if they're making it clear that that's why they reached out.
If they're not making it clear, I believe in male, female friendships.
Who knows?
They might know your wife.
It's cool.
They could be your wing woman.
Who knows?
But if they reach out and they're making it clear that it's for romantic
purposes, you can just let them know, Hey, thank you so much.
I'm really flattered, but I'm just not interested.
You know, I'm not interested in, in a romantic connection with you.
I'm not, you know, I'm not feeling any interest in pursuing a romantic
connection with you, you know, uh, love to be in community with you.
Be friends.
Also, if they're not making it clear, if there's kind of dropping the
hanky and just dropping in and be like, Hey, hi, I know you from group.
And it's be like, Hey, hi.
But eventually it's going to get to a place where, you know, that they're
making that kind of dropping that hanky and making it like, you know, upping
the ante towards romantic inclinations.
And that's when you do that.
Exactly what I just said.
Hey, I'd love to say I, you know, it's been, it's been nice to, you
know, message with you a bit, but you know, I'd love to say, you
know, in community as your friend.
You just got to come right out and say it, Mike.
And this is going to be a great exercise for you because you have
to be able, you can't be a people pleaser.
You have to be able to have boundaries and to say no.
Well, it's not necessarily that people pleasing.
I just understand that, um, the, the putting themselves out there
and it's, it's not an easy thing.
And I want to honor.
respect that, right? Well, you also don't want anyone to be mad at you. That's true. Well, I also
don't want to pee in the pool or anything like that, right? You know, and so I want to do it
with honor and class and treat and treating well, right? Yeah. I feel like peeing in the pool would
actually be leading someone on. I feel like this is you just actually leaving the pool and saying,
hey, it's nice. I want to go over here now. So, but yes, I appreciate your heart in that,
but honesty is always the best policy, guys. And here's what you need to know. There are people
that will be super offended by that. And you know what? That's their problem. It's just their
problem. It's not your problem. I know that that sounds a little harsh, but it's just true.
Now, it's your problem if you're an a-hole, okay? We have had men in this group that have simply
said to someone, like they didn't even say hi back to them. They simply said, I'm not interested.
And that's it. That's super rude, okay? Kindness.
This is not a dating app, y'all. This is a community. So you have to at least acknowledge,
if you let them get through the gate, right, don't slam the door in their face. You open the door,
you have a nice, polite conversation, and you move on. Cool? Okay. Andy and Hunter, and I'm
sorry, Daniel has his hand up too, on-topic questions of why I came in. So if you're going
to ask me, Hunter, if you're going to ask me when you're going to get private coaching,
none of that. It has to be based on what I just talked about. So Andy, you're up.
Okay. Yeah. So I put my question in the chat, but I struggle with empathy. I'm good at being
sympathetic, but not empathetic. It's just real struggle. So, I mean, I don't know where to start,
really. Did everyone hear that? I think we lost Jackie. Yeah, we heard you.
Yeah, Jackie left. We lost Jackie for a second. I don't know what happened.
Oh, no, she didn't go. It's possible that her phone died. Oh, snap.
Inconceivable. That's classic. Do not think that word means what you think it means.
David, you might be able to answer my question. I was just going to ask you if there's an avenue
for me to access some more personalized coaching and kind of guiding through level three process
and continue to get to know people. Yeah, you'll have to reach out to our admin,
admin at JackieDorman.com. They have a whole series of answers and things for that.
All right. It's super helpful because I was running through a situation and Jackie really
helped me. But I mean, the one thing I love about Jackie is she's straight to the point
and I needed to hear the truth that she was speaking. It was a complicated situation,
so I highly recommend it and it's worth every bit of it. Yeah.
There is a difference, I think, between empathy and sympathy, to get back to Andy's question.
And I used to have it taught to me in more of a evangelistic sense,
the empathy-sympathy sort of thing. Sympathy is kind of akin—I'm not going to—this is not going
to be a hard definition, so don't write this down and say this is exactly what you know.
Like, to sympathize with somebody is to—in a negative way, because sympathy sounds good.
And I think sympathy sometimes can run amok because it can put you and that person in the
same situation and where you come down to their level. Now, that can be helpful when you're
trying to reach somebody and show them. And I think that's probably the difference between
empathy and sympathy. Sympathy can be appropriate as long as it doesn't cause you to wallow in
whatever they're dealing with, especially if it's a negative situation. You're trying to be
sympathetic to the fact that they're hurting, they're in pain, they're whatever, they're
lesser—whatever it is. It's kind of like—
like coming into that.
The empathy part of it is where you're feeling their pain
but you have an empowerment to help them
through it, out of it, with it.
Does that make sense?
So.
Yeah, I guess I tend to struggle with that.
I don't feel like it's like if something is someone,
something wrong with that person,
it's like, I feel like I'm just powerless
to do anything to help them
and understand where they're coming from.
And so I'm just like, well, I can sympathize with you
but I can't really be empathetic.
To me, empathy is a way for you to feel their pain
but then be empowered to help them through,
do something about it, solve the problem if you can.
Sometimes you can't solve the problem.
Sometimes you can just empathize with you,
with this person, like I'm trying to feel your pain
and here's some information, here's some help,
here's some assistance.
I'm not going to come down into your mess
and get messy with you and take on your suffering
because it's not mine to take on.
Hi, I'm back.
Sorry, my phone died.
So I was gonna say to Andy, in order to affirm you,
I just wanna let you know that a lot of people
struggle with empathy.
Absolutely.
And also a lot of men struggle with empathy
because they just actually, instead of feeling empathetic,
they just wanna fix it, right?
This is a meme.
It's kind of like a, what's it called?
A stereotype that we always talk about how men just,
the woman just wants to air her grievances,
talk about how hard her day was
or something she's going through.
And what is she looking for?
She's looking for empathy,
maybe even a little sympathy, right?
And instead, the man goes into fix-it mode.
He goes into practical mode.
He goes into problem-solving mode.
And then women don't feel nurtured by that.
They don't feel heard by that.
So sometimes your woman is gonna want you to fix it,
but a lot of times she's just gonna want you to listen
and in some ways commiserate with her.
You're like, oh, I'm so sorry that's going on.
I'm so sorry you're feeling down.
And then encourage, everything's gonna be all right.
But don't bypass.
Don't emotionally bypass.
Let me explain what that is like.
Emotional bypassing would be
where I'm really hurting about something.
And if I came to David and tried to talk to him about it,
and instead of really allowing me
to express how I'm feeling,
he starts applying solutions
or he starts encouraging me inappropriately,
like, oh, it's gonna be okay.
Tomorrow's a new day.
Like he's emotionally bypassing me, right?
He's not allowing me to feel my feels
in order to heal my feels.
Now, if you have a woman who's just a complainer,
you're gonna wanna help her pull herself up
by her bootstraps.
If all she ever does is complain
and she doesn't want solutions,
but she complains about the same thing over and over again
without solutions,
then you're gonna have to have a little,
come to Jesus moment with your girl
because iron sharpens iron.
It's important.
And also guys, for those of you that are spiritual,
don't spiritual bypass your woman either
or even your friends.
What does that mean?
That means same thing, same concept of what I just said,
except now you're slapping a scripture on it.
They're coming to you really wanting to be heard,
really wanting you to empathize.
And the Bible says that the word compassion,
the Bible doesn't say this,
but the word compassion,
the actual Hebrew word that means compassion
actually means entering into the suffering of another.
And so the Bible says that we are to have compassion,
that Jesus had compassion.
And so if you don't have compassion,
the Bible says you can supernaturally have it.
Which scripture is that?
Weep with those that weep and rejoice
with those that rejoice.
That actually means that you can enter
into someone's pain with them supernaturally
via Holy Spirit and hold that space with them.
But spiritual bypassing people,
spiritually bypassing people is the same concept
where someone's coming to you, they need compassion,
but instead you slap a scripture on it.
Oh, well, the Bible says adversity,
that we're gonna have adversity, but be of good cheer.
Jesus has overcome the world, just whatever.
Whatever it is that you slap the scripture on.
No, don't do that.
There'll be a time and place to replace any lies
you hear them talking about with truth.
But right now, all they need is for you
to be in that moment with them.
They need an arm.
over the shoulder, they need a hug, they need a listening ear.
You guys, women have a tendency to be a lot better at this than men, but I believe that
God has created you guys to be good at this as well.
So Andy, there's a lot of people that are what we call neurodivergent, they don't pick
up social cues that well.
A lot of them are men, I do know some women, but a lot of them are men and that's okay.
I know a lot of married men that they didn't really fully know how they were feeling.
They didn't have a lot of vocabulary for their feelings and within relationship, they started
getting more and more of a spectrum of emotions that they could identify, kind of like blossoming
within relationship.
And so I just want to encourage you that this is why it's important for you to just try.
Right now, don't be looking for a wife.
Right now, just be looking for a girlfriend.
Just be looking for someone, just be looking for a date.
Let's just start even smaller because you just need experience, Andy.
That's what you need right now, experience.
So we're going to work with trying to help you get that.
The more that you have experience with the opposite sex, with being around them and what
it looks like to be on a potentially romantic encounter with them, like on a date, then
I feel like you're going to start getting your footing.
Okay?
And then of course, we'll be coaching you all along the way.
Hunter, what's your question?
I was going to ask, I wasn't going to get off topic.
What would the coaching be before Spotlight?
I mean, I don't know if that's appropriate.
No.
Just go ahead and ask me the question that you originally had before I said that.
All right.
That's cool.
What about if I go meet some women in a, like have level two, because I tend to have more
level two relationships in the workforce.
Not that I do it on the job because we just have brief talk and then do what we do because
that's why we're there.
But sometimes we have work parties, like a Super Bowl party we had at my boss's house
where it's more of a socialized one, where first time I got a woman was happy to have
invite me downstairs and we got to sit together and watch the game with other people, right?
There's no making out in my boss's closet or anything.
We just had level two.
We just do what level two relationships would do if that's really good, get the game some
experience.
Hunter, you're like a little horned dog, Hunter.
You're always talking about, but we're not going to make out, we're not going to, listen,
we're at the age where physicality is important in relationship.
I get it.
But I also want to tell you that just like Andy, you just need more experience.
You just need more experience with girls.
You just do.
I agree.
And I want to tell you something else, Hunter.
I know that the only place that you're really in proximity to girls right now is work, but
I don't think it should be work girls.
I know, but that's usually the main social area where I meet a lot of women in person.
I know we've got to get you into other social places where you live.
Where do you live again?
New York, right?
Yeah.
I went to the chapter where we met at the Palisade that went across the street from
Grand Central and I'm in touch with the mediator too.
Okay.
Hope?
Hope Eats?
Yeah.
Okay.
So yeah, single city's great, but even where you live, like where you, do you live in one
of the boroughs or do you live out of New York city?
I am up in upstate New York and my access to the city is just taking the train down
to Grand Central.
Okay.
So it doesn't have to be there.
It can be where you live in your community.
Do you go to a church?
Yes, I do.
Okay.
But usually people just go in here to Word and go out in droves.
I don't have a whole lot of women or like, if anything, they only-
Are there home groups within your church?
Are there singles groups within your, where you live?
Like look on Facebook, look where you live, put the city in.
Full gospel, like in LaGrange and under what I do to, and well, it's only my former boss
at a landscaping runs it, but we just, we don't have a lot of people.
It's probably because of some kind of disaster or something.
Okay.
This is what my concern is for you.
My, you remind me a lot of my nephew Asher, okay.
And you know, Asher, like you, is a good looking guy.
He doesn't really have trouble, you know, attracting a girl, so to speak, but he doesn't
really know what to do with a girl when, you know, he, when he is in proximity to one.
And a lot of times he takes, he takes the wrong cues.
Like he'll take cues from movies that he's seen or different things that he thinks like,
well, this is what women want.
This is what women want you to say to them, or, you know, when a girl sitting next to
you, you know, she wants you to.
you know, put your arm around her.
He's taking, he's not taking cues from the, the situation that he's in.
He's taking cues from watching other people and he's, he's applying
that to the wrong context.
Okay.
And so that's why it's important for you to just have a lot of platonic.
That means non-sexual interactions with women that are your age that could
be potential girlfriend material.
And so, David, write this down.
We need to make a list of, um, first of all, Hunter, I want to get you on a, I
want to get you and Andy, both.
I want to get both of you and raise your hand.
If you think this would be helpful for you as well.
I do this for other guys.
I could do this for you guys as well.
I want to get you on a practice date.
That means that the girl that you're going to be with on this
date is not necessarily someone that you're going to end up in a relationship
with, but she's someone on our team that's in your age bracket, that you're
going to treat it like an actual date that you would go on from the beginning
of when you contact her all the way through, it's going to be someone local
that you're going to be able to do with in person, and then they're going to
give us feedback on how it went and you know, what you can improve on.
Would that be good?
Yeah.
Also, I know the thing is I go to the gym.
I just got back from the gym too.
So that's a one social place I went.
Okay.
Be careful at the gym.
Most women don't want to be bothered there, but you know, if you're really
kind and you're appropriate, you could, if you see someone there a lot, you
know, over and over again, you could say hi to them, you know, you could, you
know, but you just have to be careful because sometimes when people are at
places like that, like work or the gym in those contexts, they don't really
want to be quote unquote hit on.
Right.
They don't want to be approached or propositioned in any way.
I don't know.
It's just the work and gym are better.
I go to church.
I've been going there, but usually as of right now, the, the work in a warehouse
are, are more, look like the main social playgrounds, but church can be a
playground too, for me, but used, but it's not as big of a playground as it
used to be when I was a young adult.
Okay.
Well, you're still pretty young.
How are you?
Yes.
How old, how old are you?
Oh, I'm going to guess.
I'm 30.
36.
I'm getting old.
Well, you have a baby face.
All right.
So listen, listen, I have to say to you, you saw me in my, in my black
suit, in my Amazon station.
I did.
And I saw you in person.
I met you in person, Hunter.
You're a good looking guy.
Look, we're going to help you.
We're going to get this practice.
You know, you're kind, you have a good heart.
We're going to, we're going to get some practice with you and, um, in some, in
some coaching stuff with you and see what we can do and Andy, we're going to
help you as well, Daniel, you had your, before my phone went dead, which is what
happened, you had your hand up.
Did you have a question?
And I see that David has a question too.
Yeah.
Hey, thanks for asking.
Uh, David was able to connect me, uh, or answer the question.
So I'm good to go.
Appreciate it.
David van Ryan.
I had to unmute myself.
Uh, so I was wondering what your thoughts were on, uh, I can't remember
the name of this book, it's dating with integrity where they talk about not
kissing at all during the, uh, pursuit slash dating timeframe.
Uh, and like, just, I don't know.
I just was wondering what your thoughts were on it.
Like I come from a more physical past and went on a date this weekend and just
backed away from kissing someone that tried to kiss me and the date went, went
much smoother and more Christ centered than me centered, if that makes sense.
And it just felt, it felt so much better and less like, cause as soon as like
physical elements, like jump into a date, cause it was unplanned, uh, I
wrote a little bit on the, uh, the app.
Uh, sorry, exercise two ladies hopped out of the Arizona hot
Springs helped guide them to the Springs.
They were there to surprise their sister who was getting proposed to.
And then within like a few hours, one of the ladies had asked if she could
come with me to church and I was like, sure.
Like not even thinking of it as a date, but then she asked if she
could message me back and forth.
They're from Canada, but it was just like, uh, Oh, wow.
That actually felt like a really awesome time with someone.
And it, you know, yeah.
Well, I think that you kind of answered.
So this question, I think.
would be different for everybody.
And so my first question to you, and you already answered it, would be, you know, what happens
when physicality is introduced into a connection?
And for you, it seems like the water gets kind of muddy.
Yeah.
All right.
So for you, I think it might be a good idea to refrain from any kind of romantic physical
contact that is going to blur, blur things for you as far as, and you guys, when I say
blur things, I mean, like, am I truly compatible or am I just sexually attracted, right?
My son is dating a girl right now.
He's almost 30, he's 29.
They've been dating for, I think, seven months.
He told her that he loved her for the first time.
And they have not, besides like handholding and, you know, I guess what you would define
as cuddling, like in public, like, you know, like here on our couch watching a movie or
whatever, they haven't ever kissed.
And they both had a conversation about that about two or three months into dating that
she really didn't want to do that until, I don't know.
I don't think that they've said until when.
We've been joking around with him like, hey, please don't have, because he already told
us that, you know, he plans on proposing to this girl.
Please don't have your first kiss at your wedding in front of all of us.
Like just, you know, just, you know, kiss her the night before the wedding, after the
rehearsal dinner.
So have your first kiss somewhere else besides publicly, because it's going to be like the
most awkward thing ever.
But a lot of people do that.
A lot of people want to do that.
If that's not, I shouldn't say a lot, but some people do want to do that.
Some people don't want to really get physically involved with someone until they know that
they're the person that they're going to, that they're going to marry.
You know, not, not until they get married, not have the first kiss until the wedding,
but until they know that this is the person that they're going to marry, they want to
share that with them, you know, depending on how experienced they have been in their
past.
And so for you, it sounds like introducing any kind of physical intimacy too early on
might cause there to be some confusion for you.
So don't do it.
But also if a woman's going in, like if she's the one that's trying to kiss you, I'd have
some questions about that, especially if it's an early connection about, you know,
the forwardness of that for her.
Like what does that mean to her?
What kind of connection is she trying to make?
But also if that is how you feel, if you're really getting to know someone and you get
to a certain amount of dates where it's very obvious that you really like each other, you
want to communicate that you're, you know, that you're not wanting to introduce physical
intimacy.
Otherwise, a lot of women could feel rejected by that.
Yeah, I had, I explained to her why.
And that was like a tie into kind of like my being able to defend my, my boundaries
because she kind of asked me, well, are you not attracted to me?
Have you never had sex?
I'm like, okay.
That's not a question I would like ask right off the bat, but yeah, you have a past is
all I'm saying.
I'm attracted to you, but I want to do this in the right way.
You know, I understand it's Valentine's day.
You've had alcohol.
I don't drink, you know, just we have plenty of time to get to know each other and build
intimacy in other ways other than just relying on kissing each other.
So yeah, no, that's good.
Yeah, that's good.
No, I'm glad that you showed restraint and self-control in that situation.
A lot of men, I mean, I'm sure I'm assuming she's attractive.
A lot of men wouldn't be able to show restraint if an attractive woman was basically throwing
themselves at them.
And so, um, so yeah, you guys remember if, if a woman is throwing herself at you, you
know, then that means she probably not always, but she probably gets, um, her affirmation
from, you know, physical, from physical involvement, meaning that she's not going to feel like
you really like, like it's, it's a form of anxious attachment where they want to become
physical with you because they, that, that makes them feel secure in your affection towards
them.
And then just one last question is, I don't know if it's appropriate to do so.
Um, like I, I told her about the last year single community and she was interested, uh,
but she thought she might not be able to afford it.
Is there a option through last year single where we can give someone a membership?
I mean, I mean, we do, we have allowed that in the past, you know, just, it's not a case
by case basis, but I will say this, that if she really likes you and you sent her here
and she's in the general population and so are you, and you decide that you're not.
going to date her and she's still here.
Yeah, I bet that would be bad.
Yeah, you're going to be spotlighted and meeting other people.
Like it makes it, yeah, yeah.
It gets really messy.
Yep.
Yeah.
I didn't know if there was an appropriate way to do that or something.
We do have heart work only.
So if you want to send her in and we have a heart work only group.
So if she wants to do heart work, um, then we do have that.
And it's really, it's, it's a really great groups, powerful group.
Cool beans.
Yeah.
Thank you again.
Awesome.
Well, you guys, I had no intention of staying this long or hijacking this.
Um, hopefully, I mean, I'm sure you guys like hearing from a woman's
perspective every once in a while.
Right.
Go ahead.
Yeah.
But this is a time where you guys can really, you know, talk about guy stuff
and, uh, anyone else have anything else for me before I let you go?
No, uh, um, I don't know.
I don't think it'll be appropriate is when we'll get started on this
practicing coaching is I'm available.
I'm available a lot that I have a lot of downtime this March,
this coming March and February.
Okay.
Thank you for letting me know that Hunter.
I'm going to have, I'll have Reagan reach out to you.
Um, the, who's the, the customer service, the assistant, and
we'll get it together.
Okay.
Just got to find someone near enough in proximity to you where you live.
That's what we have to figure out.
All right, you guys.
Well, um, thanks for being part of this group.
Uh, we had another one of our guys get engaged.
So Justin is engaged now.
So that's exciting.
I got Nathan Weaver.
For those of you that are, Oh, geez, enough to remember Nathan, Nathan, I
got his, uh, his, uh, wedding invitation in the mail, super exciting.
Yeah.
I don't think Nathan ever thought that he was really, truly going to meet
someone and get married before he joined this community.
He was always being rejected.
I mean, he's only, I'd say he's probably like about five, four.
So he's, you know, he's a short King.
And, um, and you know, he had some issues with what we were talking about today,
uh, with, uh, with Andy and, and Hunter where, you know, he just, he really, he
didn't have any experience with women.
He also just didn't really understand women or really pick up on the
social cues that women put out.
And so, but he is marrying a very cute girl.
They are so cute together.
And, um, and so very excited for him and for his future.
And, uh, so yeah, so I know we don't, I don't post all the success
stories in the guys group.
Like I do the women's group, but if you feel like that would build your faith.
I mean, you guys, we have engagement announcements every week in this community.
So if you feel like that would be encouraging to you guys, um, to see all
of those couples pictures or engagement or their wedding pictures being posted,
I'd be more than happy to post those as well for you guys.
That would be great.
I will.
All right.
Make sure if you want to be spotlighted, uh, Thursday at 8 PM on the single
spotlight, we'll be spotlighting 10 ladies and 10 guys.
If you want to be spotlighted, let us know and we'll make sure
that you get spotlighted.
All right.
All right, guys.
See you soon.
Awesome.
God bless you.
It's really awesome.
Can I circle back to something that, um, yeah, Mike, well, I, cause I, I remember,
um, I struggled, uh, cause I was married for 20, it would have been 25 years last
year, but, um, like about the whole empathizing and you know, the, if I, what
helped me was to be there, like, it's not to fix it, it's just to be on the journey
with them through the process.
Like, you know, you're, you're like on a detective hunt to see what's going on or
like, you're, you're, you're, you're just, you're just joining her on her journey
and letting her come around full circle.
Cause I'd always be like, that's so stupid.
Like, just why can't you just fix it?
Like, this is so simple.
We can do this in like 30 seconds.
It's over.
But like, like, you know, um, somebody, um, Ladies have to go full circle
where their minds are connected, interconnected.
They need to go full circle to close things.
We can close them like that.
We have boxes and we just close them.
Right.
But they need to come full circle to close the box.
So when you're having a conversation with them, really what they're doing
is saying, I have this box open and it's bugging me and I want to close it.
And when I understood that in that kind of context where it wasn't, and sometimes
they ask you to fix it, but I've found that more, more often than not, they fix
it themselves because they talk through the whole process and you give them that
space to talk through it.
And then you're a hero because like, and you, I don't know how many times you're
like, I didn't even say a thing, but you know, and you just be part of the,
part of it with the process.
And just another, one of the things, if your struggle with feeling feelings,
cause I know I, I would be like, I don't know what I'm feeling, honestly.
Yeah, I felt so dumb. I had this list, like a page of faces,
like all the different feelings on a page, I think there's a
wheel. But I literally would sit there and be like, what am I
feeling today? I mean, other than anger, you know, because
anger is a secondary emotion. And don't and it was it felt so
dumb. But after about six months of like, literally categorizing
everything I was feeling, start, you know, it really helped me to
be emotionally available in those situations. Because a lot
of times your woman comes to and they're like, the whole world is
falling. And all you want to do is fix it and save them. But
really, what you need to do is be part of it with them. And
that is actually doing the very thing that and it's not on you
to fix and solve, they just want you to go in the process with
them. So I guess I know, because I know I used to freeze up on
that. And just just be curious, relax and go with them on the
journey. So that's just my two cents.
Yeah, it's, it's kind of interesting, because there's
definitely this, this, this yin and yang, especially in the
masculine with regard to that, like, being sensitive, being
emotional versus being our instinctual selves, which is,
and the thing about it is, it's just like, it's not that men are
like instinctually, you know, there's, there's a lot of things
that men are pretty universally. But we just go
about it a little bit different way from man to man. Does that
make sense? Like some, some are a little bit more emotional
about it, some are a little bit less than emotional about, you
know, their their fixing, so to speak, like one thing for sure
about men pretty universally, is they want to fix the problem.
And lots of times, that's just tied to the fact that, you
know, if you're less emotional about it, you don't want to
muck and mire into the emotions. Because like problems create
like these emotions that are involved with them. So if you
just go in and fix it, you can fix the emotional part of it, in
that you don't have to get emotional. That's if you're the
guy that doesn't like to be emotional. Does that make sense?
But if you're the guy that's emotional, then you want to be
sort of the hero. So you want to come in with your emotion, and
overshadow the emotion that your woman is trying to, to
feel. Remember when Jackie was talking about earlier, lots of
times women just want to like, they want to walk through that
emotion, they don't want to be overshadowed by whatever you
want to try to fix, either from a position of superiority, or a
position of fear. Make sense? So there's a there's a list that I
look at every once in a while. And one of the things that's on
this list is that men are creatures of the edge. We're
creatures of the edge. And I don't know if you understand
what that means. But I talked about this before, like, we're
all given a piece of property, a space, so to speak. And what I
like to think of it as like a physical piece of property. If
you were given, if it's a half an acre, acre, two acres, five
acres, 500 acres, whatever you think your size of property is
given, and that kind of is equates to or relates to like
your potential. Do you have the potential for 1000s? Or do you
have the potential for a dozen, you know, type thing, and it's
one's not any greater than the other. Jesus has the potential
in moments for the 5000. But he had a greater potential for the
12 that he literally changed their lives, and then they
changed the new world. Do you understand? Even though Jesus we
think of as being a universal, like he had more capacity to
really empower the 12 to change the world versus being this
figure that was in front of 1000s of people, although he
wasn't in front of 1000s of people in one moment. That
wasn't his every day. Make sense? So the idea is this
capacity, it's like, what is your property? What is your
capacity? And the question then begs is like, okay, so you have
this territory. What are you going to do with it, right? And
if you choose to build a homestead on it, your job as the
man is to go to the edge to create and understand the limits
of this property, your interest, maybe you put a fence around it,
maybe you define it, maybe you say, okay, this is the edge is my
property across this line is your property. I don't have
anything to do with your property. Right? Meaning this is
where my boundary lies. I don't have anything to do if the
stream is on the other side, there's a problem. That's your
problem, not mine.
And it's clear to identify that men want to know where their boundaries are, are their
boundaries wide or narrow, whatever, but whatever it is, they want to know the boundary.
That's why we're creatures of the edge.
And when you're building a homestead with your property, your wife's domain is the domain
that you give her.
You provide her this edge, you provide her this space, you contribute this space and
say, Hey, there's this space.
Let's make of it together what we will.
What are we going to make in this space?
Do you need me to construct something in the space?
Do you need me to level out this space?
Do you mean I've already defined it with the fencing, but whatever happens inside the space,
this is the wandering area.
And so the feminine is more of the person that is going to be wandering all throughout
the property and maybe plan to garden over here.
Maybe leave this wild and untamed.
Maybe take this portion right here.
And after you've built her a structure, she then makes it a home.
You see the difference, just translating with anybody, helping anybody, nobody's like,
I'm finding it helpful.
It matches a lot of the King archetype kind of stuff, but it gives it different words.
So thank you.
Yeah.
I mean, it just kind of goes to like same thing and solve and problem solving.
We want to go to the edge of a problem when our wife is having an, our girlfriend's having
an emotional struggle, battle, whatever, and I'm having a problem and I'm dealing with
this.
We want to go to the edge and define that and go, here's your problem, da, da, da, da,
like write that that's not helpful.
She knows there's an edge.
She knows that you're tending the edge.
If you're a good man, she knows that there's a boundary somewhere out there.
She's not so concerned about the boundary because why?
Because you know where the boundary is.
What she's concerned about is the middle, the undefined, the sort of like unrefined,
the sort of like questionable, sort of the gray area.
Metaphorically, I'm like kidding on a lot of things here, but does that make sense to
you as a man to go, yeah, I'm out here.
So every time I'm trying to define, yeah, but the fence is over here.
She's like, I don't care anything about the fence.
You got that.
You got the gate.
I'm not worried about the fence.
I'm worried about what's going on in between.
I'm worried about what's going on in the gray.
I'm worried about, and like, sometimes we don't have the answers for that.
That's why coming in and trying to, as the man tried to like, oh, let me fix your situation.
I can fix you in five seconds.
Let me give you the answer.
Let me like help you.
And we think we're helping.
We think we're redefining.
We think we're bringing clarity in, but we're not.
This is the same problem that we're having, I think, on some of these first dates.
For instance, the first date guys, the initial part of the relationship is not the opportunity.
And I'm not trying to be like, I'm not trying to be corrective.
I'm trying to be clarifying here because your job is not to like, like we've said before,
this is not an interview.
This is not you trying to like, you would be better served for yourself and the female
that you're going on this date with.
You and her would be better served if you had no agenda whatsoever.
As in, I'm not trying to get the answers that I'm seeking for as the man.
I'm not trying to find out, is she worthy of going on another date?
Is she, is she attractive?
Is she, you know, does she tick track, tick off all of the things on my list of what I
need in a wife?
You know, like, like if you go into the date, just trying to serve first and foremost, having
a plan, what are we going to do?
Because she expects to have that.
And all women want to have that regardless of whether they're strong women or not.
They always like a man to have a plan.
So you're going to have a plan.
So what are we doing?
Where are we going?
That kind of thing.
And that doesn't need to be like forefront.
That doesn't need to be front and center.
That just needs to be known by you because you already made up your mind.
This is what we're going to do, but with some flexibility, meaning that those plans
can change because you're going to like soften, but you always have like, Hey, this is what
we're doing.
We're going here.
And then if something changes, if you pick up on something that she desires, it's like,
I don't know if that, that would be fun.
I don't know if this.
would be like, whatever, you can adjust your plan.
One time, the very first anniversary that Jackie and I had,
this is our one year anniversary.
I was like, you know, it's our anniversary,
it's coming up, the date, it's known.
Wasn't like it was a surprise, it was a known date
because it's the anniversary.
It's like, hello, you knew this a year ago.
So I had better have a plan, right?
So I had this plan.
I'm kind of like, I'm more of the bougie person
in our relationship than my wife, believe it or not.
I don't know if that's a surprise to you or not,
but I am the more bougie one.
Like I would have no problem dropping whatever money,
whatever on something, like my taste is bougier,
like whatever.
And I had reservations at a nice restaurant
and it was a nice restaurant that I probably
hardly could afford at the time and it was nice.
And we were gonna go there and we kind of got dressed up
a little bit, not like too fancy, but you know,
we were like, it wasn't like sweatsuit or anything, right?
So we go and we go to the restaurant,
we walk all the way into the restaurants.
Wasn't like it was, you know,
like we were walking up to the restaurant.
So it wasn't like it was not known.
She goes with me and she comes in and she's like,
it was like, let me see the menu.
Before we're even seated, like at the,
what is it?
The counter, the host.
Yeah, the hostess station.
She says, let me see this menu.
She looks at this menu, she goes, oh, this is ridiculous.
We're not eating here.
She closes the menu and she goes,
let's go get a beer and a steak, you know?
And I'm like, first of all, like a lot of men would be like,
that's my kind of woman.
Like, hello, you know, like, you know, like,
hey, you know, cheap date and everything.
But I was kind of offended because I was like,
hey, like I made this reservation, you know, and whatever.
So, but I didn't, I didn't make a big deal about that.
I mean, I didn't get cry.
Cause hey, it's my first anniversary.
I'm not going to mess this up, right?
So, but I was just like, huh, I learned something about that.
It's like, first of all,
my wife isn't as bougie as she thinks.
Like there's some things that she really,
really specific about and other things she's really not.
It doesn't matter to my wife, a nice restaurant.
Like she likes nice restaurants,
but that doesn't like impress her.
Make sense?
What impressed her in that moment of our life was,
I would rather you take me to a steak joint and a beer,
have a good time, have a fun time.
Cause it's not so much pressure to be uppity and formal
and so forth in a nice restaurant and all that.
That's cutting out her speed.
I want to go have fun.
And if you were going to spend money on me,
I would like you to like buy me a present,
buy me a new pair of jeans.
Like I would like, like something different.
Notice how that did not go with my plans,
but I adjusted because I picked up on what she was telling
me and she was literally telling me.
It wasn't like I had to guess.
So she made it easy for me and we had a great time.
We had a fabulous time.
We learned about each other in that moment.
And that was our very first anniversary.
So your plans can be flexible,
but your purpose in this first encounter with this woman,
if you are into her and if you're attracted to her
and you're like her,
then your responsibility is to be charming,
is to wow her with a sense of like, wow,
amazing how charming this guy is.
Amazing how interested this guy is in me.
Amazing how interested this guy is asking me about me,
concerned about how I feel, concerned of it.
Did you get enough to eat?
Are you comfortable?
Are you warm?
Are you cold?
Would you be sitting here too long?
Let's go do something.
Would you like to take a walk?
Like you see how you're leading in all of that,
but at the same time, you are totally in to her.
You're totally into what she's feeling,
she's wanting, whatever.
You're trying to totally like discover her.
And even if you're not attracted to this person,
so you meet this person and you're with the first few
minutes and you've encountered them
and you're still going on this date,
even though you're like,
I don't really think I'm into this person
because on initial looks or initial whatever,
you know, the first 15, 20 minutes or so, right?
You're not feeling her.
The next best thing you can do is to be as charming
and as wonderful a man as you can be.
Because the reality is,
is you don't got to go on a second date,
but you could give this woman the time of her life.
You could give her some hope.
You could give her some honor.
You could show her that good men are there.
You can like charm the pants off of her,
not because you've talked about yourself all night,
not because you showed her how much you know,
not because you show her how funny you are,
but by literally making it all about her.
That is the approach.
Let me, if you can do that, that's wonderful.
If you just at least come in with the mindset of that,
that's just as good,
because you're gonna show that you're trying,
that you're gonna like, maybe you're not Mr. Charm,
maybe you're not Mr. Ryan Gosling
who just charmed the pants off of anybody,
whatever, like type thing, whatever.
You don't have to have that skillset,
but you could come in with the mindset.
So the mindset is the important part of it.
The mindset should be, I'm getting nothing out of this date
other than just really making this woman
just show her the time of her life.
That's such a powerful introduction.
It's a manly introduction,
because you're definitely gonna pick up
on whether you like this person or not.
You're definitely gonna pick up some things,
but your posture towards the situation,
you're not gonna ruin the date, right?
By just being like charming.
Now you can't be apathetic.
You can't be so compliant that you're complacent.
You can't just be like, well, what do you wanna do?
What is it?
You can't, there's a huge balance between this.
So this is where, Andy,
where this is not about you being sympathetic
in terms of trying to feel what's going on
or trying to appreciate what she's going through,
but not doing it.
You know what I'm saying?
It's not about that.
You definitely have to walk through.
So this is where you can rely,
if you're getting too compliant,
this is where you can rely on your plan.
This is where your plan takes you through.
Like this is where your plan's like,
oh, we're gonna eat and then we're gonna go take a walk
or we're gonna go to a movie or whatever the thing is.
The plan helps you have that backup
to where you're just not doing nothing.
Does that make sense?
So if the conversation's a little,
like we run out of things to talk to,
and you know that about yourself,
you're not a great conversationist,
you plan that too.
You have a note card maybe,
or something on your phone
that gives you a few things to talk about,
to ask questions, to bring up topics,
that kind of thing.
So if conversations,
so you plan all of your inadequacies
and you have a plan for the night,
but then you can always throw your plan aside
if things are just going really good and natural and fun.
And hey, let's not eat at the fancy restaurant.
You know, you want a steak?
Steak's great.
I love steak.
You love steak?
Yeah, I love steak.
I've been really hungry.
Like I know a great steak place.
Let's go.
Let's get out of here.
Let's not do this.
Let's do this over here.
That'll be more fun for you.
Yeah, that'd be great.
Yeah, let's do that.
Man, we're gonna have a great time.
You see how that approach to the first, second date
is way more healthy, way more enjoyable.
You're gonna have more fun.
She's gonna have more fun, right?
And even if you're not into her,
it was incredible practice
that you had with this person of the opposite sex.
It's incredible.
I don't know if anybody's tracking on this approach or not,
but I think it's good advice.
I love that you're hitting it.
And like, I think like women want to be led.
They don't want to be dominant.
If you don't lead, they're gonna lose.
They may go out with you, but they lose all respect.
Well, so like, you know, like for like in David,
that's sort of, you know, like,
cause I've been chatting with a lot of ladies, right?
You know, coming up and going,
hey, do you want to go to fancy?
Having the plan being like,
hey, do you want to go to a fancy place
or do you want to go beer and steak?
And you give them, you present the option to them
and let them choose.
So they're part of the process.
What's cool about that is that maybe not at first.
Well, not so, but yeah.
Maybe you leave with like,
hey, this is what we're doing.
And then there's a moment where you were like,
you know what?
I don't know if she's really feeling this.
Are you feeling this?
Do you like this place?
Is it okay?
Yeah, I like this place.
This is really nice.
But thank you for taking me to this very nice place.
Oh, wow, cool.
That's great.
So you can leave the option as an audible, right?
Yeah.
You're the quarterback.
It's an audible.
You don't have to like tell her up front, you know?
Well, and you can delegate too in a way.
You can say, hey, you know, I had a lot of fun.
I planned this one.
I'd love for you to plan the next one and do what you like.
And you guys learn that off of each other where,
so just, yeah, but you gotta have a plan.
Even at the plans skeleton,
you have to have a plan and you gotta leave.
Yeah, definitely have a plan.
Even if they're planning it the next time,
you still have a plan.
Because you had to back up you're always you're always backing up. Yeah, you gotta have to be able to pivot if you have to
It's good stuff
um
It's funny. I was in I was in uh, I was in a conference all week this last week and it was in pretty credible
Uh conference. There's a lot of things that are really cool about it
Um, let's do this one thing at the very end here and I want to do this little exercise. Um,
And if you've seen this before don't say anything about it until we
you know, we kind of get the end but everybody like put your hands out wide like this and and like your hands are like
like this
I don't know if i'm not showing this. Okay, like like this. Okay, then you're putting your hands out put your hands out wide
And then just bring them together and interlock your fingers
Bring them together again
Now
Okay, another word now bring them together when I say now
Now
Okay now
Now
All right, okay, you're doing good very good. All right, we'll do it one more time
And notice when you bring your fingers together
Bring everybody bring your fingers together now we're fingers together
Like this notice which of your thumbs is over top. Is it your left or your right?
Which one how many are how many are left raise your hand
For me left hand, yeah
How many is right
Yeah
Hunter you're right
Thomas what are you thomas? You're right-handed, right? So right thumb over top
Left thumb right thumb anybody like just go back and forth
Like when they're bringing their hands together, they just it wasn't the same thing every time it was just like different anybody
Nobody
Okay, so
I
Was in a four-hour session with tony robbins actually this weekend
That was one of the speakers at the conference. I was at it's really cool
I'd never seen tony robbins in person
and um
so the left thumb
It's this this is psychology and this has been there's research done to this
And it's an indicator. It's actually based on some some some ancient ideas as well
But it's indicated if your left thumb
It goes over when you interlock your hands like this and your left thumb is over that means you're more emotional
you're more in touch with your emotions more in touch with your sort of like
Empathetic side that kind of thing more emotional to your approach
if your right thumb
Is over top of your interlocking situation?
You are more logical
More logical to your approach more logical to
Problem solving to your life that kind of thing
um
And it's really interesting. That's kind of like what the safe thing is, but here's what's tony's version tony robbins said
Scientists say that if your left thumb goes over that over you if you're a man, you want to have lots of powerful sex
You want to have just a glorious
passionate powerful
glorious sex
and if your right thumb goes over your
Hands like that you want to have as much money and as much power as you can possibly have
That's what tony robbins's version
Of that little exercise is all about
and so it was funny because then he's just like
There's a guy in the front row. He's trying to figure out which one does he want?
It's a left or right left right left, right? He's just like do I want sex? Do I want money?
Do I have sex or money?
You know, it's just like this little exercise was so funny and so enlightening. I thought it was really great
and um
So which one of you wants?
power and money
All that kind of stuff and which one is of you want just glorious wonderful amazing
sex and satisfaction
I want the sex sex faction, but I say that
Then again, if there's a pregnancy then I would change switch sides. Yeah, that's not that's not a good thing
I had to take it. No, no take backs, man
No take back, that's right. You can't switch up now. Oh, yeah, i'll take the sex
I mean next time next time you do this or next time you like fold your hands to pray or something
You're thinking oh my gosh, like what who am I like?
Start questioning myself like what is going on just so you know
I am left over right which means i'm
Very emotional
and so forth you can do a little research on that if you want to see if uh,
Really if you agree with that or not
So, I thought that'd be a fun exercise and so hopefully we had a good time tonight, guys.
Good information.
Any questions?
I have no questions.
Any questions?
Surprise report.
What's that, David?
So, I was talking to Mike and some of the other guys on the call before you jumped on.
The VA found me entitled for Vocational Rehab or VR&E services and they're going to pay
for me to go to school for four years.
Not the move part.
I'm figuring that part out now.
I think it's almost cheaper for me to, yeah, well, it's just to Iowa, so, you know, like
a 16-hour drive, but probably have to do it two or three times over to get all of this
stuff over there.
And then also just a date that wasn't even a planned date that just went really well.
Like even for like some of the red flags on the date, not even a red flag, just more of
a yellow flag of like, oh, hey, you know what, she doesn't have very good boundaries or this
or that.
Or even the fact that she's from a different country.
It was just like the following day when I took her to church and then like took her
out to eat afterward and prayed over the meal.
I can't tell you the last time I've like openly prayed over a meal because my family's just
not Christ-centered.
It's probably the easiest way to say it.
We grew up Catholic, so, and not Catholic, like spirit-filled Catholics, because I know
there are spirit-filled Catholics, but like the holiday Catholics, you know, like, oh,
Christmas time, go to church.
Oh, Easter time, go to church.
Christer Catholics is what we call them.
You call them what, Andy?
Christer Catholics, Christmas and Easter.
Christer.
Oh, Christmas and Easter.
Oh, okay.
Man, that's a new one.
But yeah, it was.
I want to say, David, based on your testimony earlier about, you know, like when you're
talking with Sharon Jackie, as far as like the kissing situation that you were trying
to ask a question about, I kind of felt like that there was a little, even more, a little
more as far as like, that was like a big deal for you because, you know, like talking about
your past.
Yeah.
Let's put it this way.
I make Abram look like he's a member of New England Boys Choir.
I get it.
No, I get it.
What I'm saying is I want to acknowledge the fact that I think that was a big breakthrough
for you.
Not that you've not done that before.
I'm just saying that I just want to acknowledge the fact that that was such a like, that was
such a sort of like game changer for you that I went on at that moment.
And the fact that that, you know, like a big, you know, yay, David type situation, kudos
for you for like doing that, because that's pretty powerful.
That's a quite a contrast, I think, probably than, you know, before.
So it's pretty awesome.
It's almost like, and it's not making me think negatively about the past relationships I've
had or my past life, you know, my past in general.
But it's more like it's almost like a renewed sense of, wow, every date I'm on, I almost
feel like I should be spiritually helping someone on that date in some way, shape or
form or leading them to Christ on that date or keeping them on that Christ centered path.
Yeah.
And it's like.
Yeah, this is it was just it was just a eureka moment, you know.
Yeah.
I mean, this is what I'm talking about, like, for instance, the first date thing when I
was just talking about the earlier, you know, like, yeah, like what if you're on a date
with somebody, like I said, you know, some of that, you're just not like you're not really
feeling like you're not attracted to them because, you know, you've been there 20 minutes,
30 minutes, whatever.
And you're like, yeah, you know, this person probably isn't something I'm super into.
But yet you still have this opportunity to, like, show them, be a gentleman, be a person
of leadership at the same time, show them, show them like what a good guy can be like,
you know, show them, you know, what that even may be for that person.
You never know.
You could be the first person that's ever shown them like a good man.
That is amazingly powerful.
Like you've changed that person's life without even leading them to Jesus, so to speak, in
a prayer.
Yeah.
You've shown them that like, oh, my God, I've shown you the heart of the father, you know,
by just treating you nicely.
We live in a day and age where it doesn't take much to show the heart of the father,
to show the heart of God, because we live in such an age of debauchery, an age of just
cynicism and the age of just, you know, incredulity that, you know, that just being nice and kind
shows a lot of people that like, wow, there's a kind guy still left in the world.
You know, it's amazing.
So be that and do that, I love it.
By the way, I see Kenton on the call finally.
Kenton, long story short, went on a date
with a gal from Toronto.
So who knows, I might come visit you
on my way to say hey to her.
Hey, that'll be good, I look forward to it.
Yeah, I'll wait for summertime though.
Another summer guy, come on, hey.
Nevada.
I just met a guy who has 70 acres up in Canada
and dang it, I can't remember the name of the area.
He's BC.
Was it the North Pole?
What's that?
Was it the North Pole?
Could have been.
But he has a lot of land up there.
And I'm like, bro, what do you do up there?
And he goes, well, we like go out
and go on the land and stuff and do things
and you know, take care of it and tend it
and you don't see a lot of people.
And I'm like, that's gotta be crazy.
He says, yeah, but you could come up there and visit.
And I was just like, wow.
I said, I'll wait for the summertime.
I said the same thing you said, David.
I said, yeah, I'll wait till summertime
when it's warmer to come up there.
I will say I had a cousin in the UP
and he says when it snows and it's like 15 feet
of snow deep up there, he like pours a whole bunch
of gasoline just to like clear out like a whole acre
of land at a time and just lights a match.
I'm like, isn't that illegal?
Like, what if you burn the other trees?
And he's like, if it burns, it deserves to burn.
I'm like, I kinda wanna be there for that.
That sounds so cool.
Yeah, it does.
That's awesome.
Well, guys, anything else?
Any other questions?
Not really a question,
but I just wanna request prayer from you guys.
Like there's been a couple of things
that have happened this weekend to me.
And yeah, after we get off this call,
I'm gonna like spend some time with God
to really process through some things.
But, you know, I know it's been said
like anger is kind of a secondary emotion.
So like for me, it's just a lot of like feeling helpless
and frustrated with some things that are going on
and not even necessarily like emotional things.
You know, it's like some of it's like dealing
with a broken AC unit downstairs
and service companies not like,
I was supposed to have service done today
and ended up wasting the whole day waiting around for it.
So just a lot of things of like, I'm waiting,
I'm frustrated, I'm helpless,
I can't do anything about it, out of control.
And so it's like, you know, the frustration,
the rage is starting to build and hasn't been healthy.
And, you know, it's that tension of like,
I know what the righteous thing to do is,
but you know, my flesh is like, I wanna break something.
Yeah, yeah.
No, I feel you.
You know,
yeah, we're definitely gonna pray for you.
And yeah, when things don't go right, man,
it's just, it sucks.
It not only sucks, but it's super frustrating.
It pisses you off because you're just like,
I'm getting behind, I'm losing time,
I'm wasting my, you know,
I took off for this or whatever it is.
And yeah, it's just can be super frustrating.
One of the things that Tony Robbins said this weekend,
and again, there wasn't a Tony Robbins event.
He just happened to be on the speakers at a event
with a whole bunch of other speakers.
It's like a business development conference.
And he was talking about when you wanna change
things in your life.
You can't, I'm not gonna say it the way he said it
because, you know, he's an incredible speaker.
But he said, the only thing you can really change
is your state.
Like you can't, you change your state.
This is kind of like what we in the Christian community
talk about like spending time with Lord,
getting in his presence, changing our state.
But even that can be sort of a religious architect,
architecture that is heavy and it can be like,
it can be a little bit, what's the word for it?
You can feel like you're not still doing it right.
Does that make sense?
Like people say, oh, all you need to do
is just spend time with God.
I'm like, that's cool.
But then if like, then you go into that,
you're like, well, I'm not doing it right.
Or God's not hearing me or like, I'm not good enough
or whatever, then there's a whole bunch of other things
that's like, but it's the same thing.
It's like changing your state and your state
is where you find the energy and the capacity
and the drive to make the good decisions,
the better decisions, you have the encouragement,
you find the energy to make the change that's necessary
rather than you trying to do it.
Like if it's like, oh,
shouldn't be this or I should be that or I should you know like the shoulds and then so it's all up
to you by yourself alone to figure that out and you got to do it that sucks because that never
works that's just sheer you making it happen some people can do that but they can't do that with
every dimension of their life so some people are good at this but terrible at that right somebody
are really good at working out and doing great with physical things and they're an athlete and
they're incredible and they're like oh this is incredible but they suck at relationships
you know that type of thing so good for you that you can make that happen you're
super disciplined but you're not disciplined over here it's the state of mind so if you can work on
really controlling your state even the point where just like I sit at my desk and I work all the time
and so I don't have enough energy you know when you get up and you like move around your energy
doesn't come from like what you put in your body your energy comes from the movement and the
activities you do right that's a simple exercise that people do when they're like static in that
way so it's all about changing your state is it music that changes your state is it you know what
is it that changes is it going outside getting fresh air being in nature this changes your state
like what changes your state put yourself in a state of mind that then you can get input that
then you can get clarity that then you can get like peace that then you can get like
change your emotion you know I'm saying so it's like if you have to change your environment if
you have to change the lighting in your house if you have to change like whatever it is that
you can help to change your state that's super powerful and it's the same thing as what we talk
about you know being in the presence being in some sort of like meditative you know meditation
is not like you know clearing your mind meditation is like especially meditating on the word of God
that's just like putting yourself in a place in a state if you will to where you can hear we
can get input we can get clarity right so changing your state so whatever is necessary to do that
get good at doing that rather than trying to change yourself trying to not be so angry trying to be
like doing the right thing like you can't change yourself but you can work on your environment you
can work on your state of mind and there's a lot of things you can do in order to jump start that
again music exercise nature whatever it is that's your thing whatever that you know like
empowers you speaks strongly to you sometimes mowing the lawn for me I don't have a lawn to
mow anymore but uh because I have like two acres of like wilderness but mowing the lawn for me was
such a um a therapeutic thing why because I'm just out there mowing the lawn going back and forth
back and forth mindlessly was getting something accomplished but my mind was just I have to do
this and I can't really think about it because it's mowing the lawn for crying out loud but it
gave me time to think about a lot of other things and so it really helped to sort of get clarity for
me so sometimes it's a mindless activity that's why people do hobbies and stuff like that it's
because it's just a mindless activity that gives an opportunity just to think through some things
and all of a sudden man I just feel differently I'm not so angry anymore I'm not so upset I'm like
yeah okay I'm just gonna let the thing go you know so work on work on changing your state
um I know that sounds simple though that sounds like yeah whatever but
it'd be no but I mean I think even the scriptures tell us like the the only thing that we should
really be striving for is to enter God's rest yeah and again that's a state but like what gets
you there can be different for many different people you know like what's up start that for
you you know because so many people connect with God in so many different ways and the reason I
and the reason I didn't put a religious context in that is because in religion like for me like
growing up like you know it was sort of more of a heavy put on to you like you're not you know
you're not spending enough time with God that was a rebuke and a reproach that became a burden to me
and then it became difficult to access the presence of God because I was like because I
needed to do a certain thing and I did a certain way and I just did a certain time element they
feel like I didn't have the time you know I'm saying then it became a religious structure
became a burden to me rather than freedom that's what I'm trying to say so I don't know if that
helps anybody here but but yes we will pray and we will uh we will believe with you so father
God we just we just reach our hands out to Zach in the name of Jesus we thank you.
I think it's so awesome that Zach's like,
hey, I just need prayer.
And I'm gonna go to the guys that I've been hanging with
and trust and just receive.
I just pray right now, Lord,
that whatever it is that is in the way,
whatever, even the root of this anger, this bitterness,
whatever it might be, they can just be revealed.
Holy Spirit, reveal this to Zach
in a way that he can see and hear and understand and knows.
And let it just be, give him an opportunity
to deal with that, address that, look at that,
and put something out of him
that doesn't need to be there anymore
or receive an element of grace and peace that he needs.
Whatever it is, just lead him in that way.
And we just thank you right now, Lord, for your presence.
We thank you for favor.
Because sometimes it's a matter of just like,
you know what, I don't have to put up with this.
I have favor and I can receive favor of the Lord.
And I just ask that you have me have favor
with this service person or favor with this problem.
So sometimes it's just that.
We need to see your goodness.
So Father God, we just ask for these things in your name.
We lift up our brother Zach,
who's confessing in this moment
and wants to just, wants to turn a different direction
and wants this to turn out differently.
Not the way it's always turned out before,
but to have it differently
and give him some breakthrough in it.
In Jesus name we pray, amen and amen.
Good, good.
I feel like that's one of those things where Zach,
like you're saying, basically you're like,
you're calling it out.
You're like, normally I would feel this way about it
because I can feel the tension rising, right?
And you're like, so normally it would be like,
this is a pattern, like this, like these things happen
and I get frustrated and all of a sudden, whatever.
And then something happens
and then a line is crossed or whatever for you.
And you're like, I don't want that to happen.
I'm seeing that happen.
I don't want that to be the thing.
I've been working on this.
The Lord's been dealing with me about this.
I don't want that.
Let's break that cycle, whatever that is.
So this is an opportunity for a pattern to break
and like a new, something new to like transition for you.
So this is an opportunity.
Yeah, I would say like there's a couple of things going on.
Like one, I've had all day to kind of dwell
on these emotions and it wasn't really until like,
maybe three hours ago when I finally realized
service people aren't coming through
and I can actually start doing some of the things
that I need to do,
that I'm actually able to start processing
through some things, but also just that same thing
of like noticing some of those triggers
and like even what Jackie was talking about earlier
is like, okay, like using some of the hard work tools,
you know, it was really kind of challenged.
Like, all right, let me, like once this call is wrapped up,
okay, let me really start and spend some time,
you know, deeply processing this with the Lord.
Like, you know, what's the emotion that's coming up?
What's it linking back to?
And you know, how can I, you know,
progress and move forward from here?
That's awesome.
That's so good.
Yeah, let us know what you,
let us know what you find out next week, man.
Let us know what you find out
or put it in the chat on the app
and yeah, give us some feedback.
We wanna know.
Amen.
All right, guys, if nothing else,
God bless you guys.
Have a great, great night.
Have a great week.
And this was recorded, so it'll be posted up again
and we'll be able to rehash it all.
See y'all later.
God bless.
God bless, David.
God bless, everyone.