Okay, we are recording Monday, Men's Heart Check-In, Monday, March 31st, 2025.
So here we are.
We're about to share a link to a topic I think will be helpful tonight.
Let me see if I can do this.
I did this before, just got to find out where I did it at.
Give me a second.
Do-do-do-do-do.
I will bring it up on my computer.
It's good stuff, guys, by the way.
There it is.
Let me just put out a little bit of a volley here while I do this research.
So I'm going to share, we'll get into discussion here in just a minute on guilt and shame and
talk about how guilt and shame are not proper motivators in kingdom, in the kingdom.
And not that they're not present for very specific situations, and we'll define that
here in just a minute, but they're not proper motivators.
In other words, when you want to change and you want to modify, get better, be a better
whatever, father, husband, believer, follower, worker, friend, when you want to change things
about yourself, guilt and shame have no value to be the driver or the motivator for change.
And we'll talk about why that's true.
There's a power that protrudes there, and maybe we can also identify some situations
where we're still sort of leaning into that guilt and shame, besides the obvious, to where
we can get some freedom from that.
So that's a little bit of discussion tonight.
But let me go around.
Who wants to open up with some sort of win or some sort of like, hey, this is what God's
doing.
This is what, you know, got some victory, share, something's going on for them this
week.
Who wants to do that?
I can kick us off, David.
Thank you, Daniel.
I appreciate it.
Yeah.
So, you know, this isn't going to sound like a victory at first, but I was going to let
everybody know.
So I've been in a level three relationship with another woman in the community.
We actually ended that last Monday.
And I'll say we ended things, it felt pretty amicable and pretty like a clean break.
And I think it felt like the right move for both of us.
And so I think one of the things I'm learning is that it does take a certain level of health
to walk, to be willing to walk away from somebody who, you know, maybe we both like satisfied
70% or 60% of what the other person was looking for.
But it wasn't, you know, it just, it wasn't the right move for us to stay in the relationship.
So just sharing that, been doing a lot of thinking and praying and reflecting.
And it's been good.
Yeah, it's been really good.
I'm grateful for the relationship and the lessons that I've learned from it, though.
What was the reason, did you get, I'm sorry, did you get into the reason for the breakup
just now?
No, not, no, not really.
I was trying to avoid specifics.
It kind of boiled down to us not really being able to give each other what the other person
wanted.
You know that we don't just relegate it to no specifics on this.
You know better than that, Daniel.
So what happened?
Well, okay.
So this, so we started, so it was long distance.
I need to preface that.
It was long distance.
And I know, I know what Jackie teaches in, in like the phase two or whatever it is for
the women in particular is that, you know, you both got to be in it to win it.
And so she would, she was pretty adamant that her expectation was that I was going to, I
was going to pay for everything and do like 90% of the planning, even, even when I was
going to her.
So, you know, I'm spending, spending a couple hundred dollars to fly down and then I'm making
dates and, and you know, whining and dining and, you know, she wanted to go out to some
pretty expensive places and.
What I explained to her was that I was really looking
for more of a partner, somebody who was,
I even said like, hey, you know, if we were married,
I would want it, I think it would be fun
for us to take turn planning the dates.
You know, like, it's a gift, right?
The experience is the gift that you're giving
to your loved one.
And she said she thought that she would be willing
to plan like 20% of the dates if we were married, you know.
And so it just kind of came,
and then there was a certain level, you know, I noticed,
one of the things I learned is that a relationship
can feel secure in the beginning,
but that doesn't necessarily mean
that it's going to stay secure.
And so I noticed, you know, some of her anxious,
she started to feel anxious,
and I actually started to feel avoidant,
which was new for me, I felt a little bit avoidant.
But anyway, where I was going with that was,
it began to feel very one-sided.
It didn't feel like we were both in it to win it,
it was more about kind of like what I would do,
what I could do and what I could bring
and what I could pay for and provide.
And I do think the man should be the provider,
no doubt about that.
I'm a single dad, I own my own home,
I have a, you know, I have a career,
so my ability to provide,
I think I've clearly demonstrated
throughout the duration of our relationship.
But she really, it kind of came to a head last week,
because we had been, you know,
including level two and level three,
you know, we'd been dating for about four months
at that point, and she really wanted the security
of knowing when she was going to see me next.
And I just said like, hey, listen,
I really think we need to figure this out
before we continue to invest in the relationship
and get more and more attached,
because the dynamic as it stands today is a deal breaker.
And I've been clear about that.
I've been clear about that for four months now.
And, you know, she was like, well, you know,
let's just keep, it was kind of like,
let's just keep having fun
and keep getting to know each other
and it'll eventually work itself out.
And, you know, one of the things that I've learned
is like, you don't date for potential.
You know, if somebody is going to,
you don't date trying to change a person
because that's not love, right?
And so she wanted, last week,
she wanted to know when she could see me next.
I wanted to get like maybe a counselor
or a relationship coach involved
to help clarify the relationship.
And she kind of gave me an ultimatum.
She said, you know,
if I don't know when I'm going to see you next,
I don't think I can stay in this relationship.
And I told her, I said,
well, that does feel like an awful lot, like an ultimatum.
And so at this point, if I agree to, you know,
for you to book tickets in three weeks,
it's not going to be able to trust
that that was a genuine yes.
And so she just, it was kind of abrupt,
but she's like, well, then I wish you well.
And it was, that was it.
So she broke it off or you broke it off
or she was the one, like technically like the first two,
like this is it, call it, throw the towel over.
Yeah, so I hadn't told her
that I had contacted Jackie for individual coaching.
Right.
When I returned from my last visit,
I told Jackie, I was like,
hey, I have four major concerns.
I have, you know, this misalignment on expectations
for roles in the relationship.
She, there was some behavior, manner type stuff.
Right.
The relationship actually started feeling superficial
when I stopped going on Instagram.
And then I was feeling less and less heard.
I would say like, hey, here's what I need.
And she would say like, oh, I hear you,
but here's what I need.
And it was always this like,
there was, it didn't feel like there was a genuine hearing
of like what I needed in the relationship.
And again, it's not all about one person's needs being met,
but it's about a mutual willingness
to meet one another's needs.
And-
I know Jackie asked you,
I know Jackie asked you both the same question
because I do know a little bit of background too.
Like, cause I hear things, you know,
when Jackie has these conversations every once in a while
and I don't always hear the whole story,
but I know she asked both of you,
I think this is the same question,
which is like, when this happened,
was this more of a, like a sad situation, disappointment,
or was it more of a relief?
So what was your answer on that one?
I think when she asked the question,
it was like, you know, 70% relief, 30% relief.
I'd say it's probably 90% relief, 10% sad at this point.
Oh, no, okay, okay.
Yeah.
And she's, I mean, she's-
Yeah, no, I mean, it sounds like, you know,
I think that's kind of what Jackie was saying earlier
to, you know, to both of you,
is it kind of sounds like it was definitely a situation,
very on the surface, definitely a situation
where what we call poking each other's orphan,
you know, some things, you know,
that happens from time to time in these situations.
And it just comes to a point where it's kind of like,
we say this a lot of times,
it's like, it's a yes until it's a no.
And it looks like you came to a no,
at least in the meantime, right now,
notwithstanding what might change
or might be different in the future, you know.
And it sounds like there's some immaturity there
that is driving some of these objections
and different things that she's, you know,
that she's dealing with and has.
Anybody else have a comment?
Mike, I'm just kind of like, just sounding board,
kind of like what you're hearing Daniel saying.
Well, I'd say, you know,
the thing about the date planning thing, you know,
I kind of resonate on that.
The date planning?
The date planning.
Oh, date plan, I'm sorry.
I was like, we're already at that stage?
I'm just kidding.
Because like, personally, I'm the type of person
that like, I would actually prefer to plan
like 20% or less of the dates as a man.
Like it's 50%, like it's probably reasonable,
but it's like, if she was wanting me
to plan all the dates, like, that's just a no-go for me.
Like, I just, I'm running out of ideas as it is.
It's like, that would not be sustainable
for me to be expected to do everything like that.
That just would not work at all in my,
so I can really see how, you know.
That can be challenging.
That can be challenging, yeah.
Anybody else?
Feedback for Daniel?
Hi, David and Daniel, Stefan here.
I'm also long distance dating only for two months or so,
level three.
And what we've discovered and did with,
in terms of communication is Emargo.
You can Google it.
There's steps to, and it's unfortunate, Daniel,
that you've broken up already and haven't gotten this tool,
but it's really cool where it's simple three steps,
basically just saying, giving each other space
and talking through things.
And then the other person needs to share their heart
and what they hear and do they understand.
And it's all about connection and understanding
what the other person is saying.
It's not really resolving any issues,
but as soon as you have a connection,
we'll understand.
The resolution sort of comes forth, say naturally,
not really, but it gives you a really good platform
to discuss difficult things.
What do you call that?
What do you call that strategy?
Emargo.
I'll quickly find a link for you.
There's loads of it on there.
Is that where you like actually agree on a set time to talk
and then there's like a formula of like, when you do X,
I feel Y, what I need is Z.
Yeah, it's pretty much that.
Yeah.
What I hear you saying is X.
That's correct, yes.
And then you have time to correct it
and explain what you actually meant
if they didn't respond correctly back
or didn't understand you 100%.
Yeah.
Did you manage to do that?
Did you guys-
Yeah, when we would have like a disagreement,
I would be like, what I hear you saying is
you want a partner who is committed to long-term health.
And she'd be like, yeah, exactly.
So we did try that.
We didn't bring out like an emargo checklist.
That might've been helpful.
Yeah.
I think ultimately it boiled down
to just a big misalignment
of what we expected a relationship to look like.
And I think we both felt like
we needed to just walk away
because we weren't going to get our needs met.
Yeah.
And sometimes, you know, in like in a relationship
when you're into an actual marriage relationship,
you sometimes have to put your swords down
and like, hey, this is probably,
there's probably a better time to have this discussion.
Of course, when you're in a marriage relationship,
you're in it.
And so you're already in it.
You've already made that level of commitment.
So it's, you're not walking away from each other
like permanently, but you are giving a time out
to like say, hey, tempers are flaring.
This is like, you know, this is situationally not.
the most healthy way to have this conversation.
And that's a reality as well in any relationship.
But yeah, if you have a link for that, Stefan, that'd be great.
Share that, because I don't know what that resource is.
I'm not endorsing it, but I'm just curious.
And yeah, I've heard, really, my best friend's
been doing that with his ex.
But they were in divorce, and that helped.
We should give them the tools.
I'll take that down.
It's not that hard.
It's not that hard to divorce.
The amogus.
But I just wanted to say, Daniel, I'm proud of you.
Like, dude, I mean, you stood up for yourself.
You loved yourself well.
You kept boundaries.
Thank you.
You expressed what you needed, and she couldn't beat it.
And I think you were tracking on some things
that if they were bothering you after four months,
like, you want a partner.
I mean, I don't know.
A lot of people, well, let me phrase that.
I want a partner.
I want somebody to partner within the relationship.
And not, I mean, because I've had the catering relationship
where I cater to somebody.
And it's codependent kind of dynamics,
and it didn't work super well.
So I just said, good job.
I'm sorry.
But I just, I love how you went through it,
and you were expressive.
And you, like, you didn't run from it, right?
A lot of people would, you didn't people please.
Or you didn't just cower.
So great job.
Way to go.
Yeah, that's the other thing, too.
It's very hard to, like, if you're,
you know, really feeling emotional
about connecting with somebody,
and sort of like anybody sort of situation,
kind of like that.
Really, you're, like, really wanting to make this happen.
You know, a lot of individuals will kind of, like,
do whatever's necessary at all costs
to make the relationship work,
because they are, dare I say it,
desperate for the relationship.
But obviously, you don't want to partner
with the wrong person.
And I hate to say it that way,
because, like, that's such a,
that's such a, that's such a sticky point in our community,
because, you know, everybody's looking for the right one,
you know, and then that can be,
that can be a huge, huge, like, stumbling block,
or like, you know, the incorrect sort of gatekeeping,
because, you know, there technically isn't the right one.
You know? Yeah.
We teach in last year's single,
there isn't one, you know, who is, like, the one.
So, because nobody can live up to that standard.
So I don't want to, you know, push that.
But at the same time, you don't want to,
you don't want to make the choice
just because there's a person in,
that's great on a lot of ways,
but now you're compromising.
So there's that line.
It's just like, you know, what are the,
so what's good about this is that it was a yes
until it became a no, and it definitely became a no,
but it doesn't ever have to stay a no
because things can change.
Because I think you guys, you know,
I know you're relieved now, 90%, like, even more so.
And so it may never come back to that situation.
But who knows?
Stranger things have happened.
But at the same time, you're moving on, and that's good.
Seems like she's moving on as well, and that's good too.
So I echo the same sentiments as all the other guys.
Bravo, Anya.
Thanks, guys.
I appreciate it.
It's not easy.
It's not easy to, like, lay that down and go,
man, I really found somebody who was gelling with,
and then all of a sudden it seemed like to fall apart.
So that's hard.
Yeah, I appreciate the encouragement, gents.
There's great tragedies in the world too, anyways.
Remember, there's great tragedy.
It's great.
Guys, so did that link work?
I sent that.
Someone said it worked.
I shared a link in the chat up there
to a PDF that some notes that I had written down.
Anybody?
Yeah, I'm opening it.
Yeah, it worked.
So last week, lots of things have happened this week
and last week.
Last week, when we, Jackie and I,
and my daughter and my son-in-law,
we were in New Jersey, New York area,
and we did a singles conference, and that was pretty cool.
We do those from time to time.
I was there.
So yeah, Hunter was there.
We saw Hunter, and David was there.
from Henshaw.
Met David in person, that was kinda cool.
Good, David.
I saw him too.
That was cool.
And so, anybody else?
Is there anybody else on this call that was there?
I have a win.
I'm sorry?
I have a win too.
Okay, what's your win, Hunter?
Well, the truth is, I can see why I've been single
this time is basically looking,
all this time I've been thinking about
being motivated to go look for a woman,
be in a relationship, and have these dreams
only because I'm motivated
because I've gained something out of it.
Like, for example, you want,
like, for example, you gotta have,
in order to have sex, you gotta be married.
So I figure, you know what?
I'm gonna, if I want sex, I gotta marry and earn it.
But of course, that's just a form of motivation
that involves you going into the relationship
to get something because there's something in it for you.
Now, there's nothing wrong with this move,
like going out and getting a job,
but a relationship is kind of like, it's more complex.
You need more than that.
You need an extra layer.
Like, you want to be in the relationship
but go seriously more
because you want to be interested in that person.
And I'm trying to learn to do that.
I just try to build, try to make the person feel good.
And did I tell you that my last level three relationship
was bad because I didn't like this person's behavior?
I think it's God saying, you don't like how she behave,
don't behave like that towards her.
Because rather than saying, okay, how I do this,
how I do that, just think about how would you feel
and make the other person feel like that.
Yeah.
So the win there?
Was that the win is that I figured out
what would have been my problem,
that I'm gonna start doing that for now
and not make it a motive because, not be motivated
because there's something, I'll get something out of it.
I want to do it because you want to build
something intimate with someone.
Yeah, yeah.
Absolutely, absolutely.
I love that.
Thank you for sharing Hunter, appreciate that so much.
And I'm probably gonna get into a little bit of touching
on that here in just a minute and what we're talking about.
Like I said, last week we were at a conference
and we did a breakout session.
And we do usually do this,
when we do the singles conference,
we do like men and women and we never have enough time.
It's always like, we do sort of like start in the afternoon.
Jackie usually lays a foundation for kind of like
what the, what's sort of like what's on her heart.
But at the same time, a lot of people are seeing her
for the first time, kind of just explaining what it is
that we do with last year's single.
But it's not necessarily just about last year's single,
but it's just about sort of sharing the message of like,
God's reason for family, God's reason for legacy,
sort of giving a foundation to marriage and family
and why that's important.
And really speaking to singles
and where they're at and what's going on.
And a lot of it comes from, of course,
that the book she wrote, Married in 12 Months or Less,
which is, I don't know if you,
have you guys, anybody on this call,
men have read the book Married in 12 Months or Less?
Thomas has read it.
Anybody else read the book Married in 12 Months or Less?
Chris?
Okay.
I mean, it's primarily written to a feminine audience,
but it's definitely appropriate.
Hopefully Thomas and Chris can back me up a little bit.
Definitely appropriate to understand the divine feminine,
the divine masculine as well.
Because a little bit of like, even historical,
like going back even to the garden of like,
the foundation of like,
how do we get to where we're at today
in terms of this relationship between men and women
and this ultimate relationship being marriage
in this institution and all this stuff.
So it's a good read, it's a good foundational stuff.
And then we have these breakout sessions
and in the breakout session for the men,
I went into the question,
we've explored this a lot on this call,
the big question, which is, what is, what do you want?
Getting into like, that is like the heart of the matter.
Like, what do you want?
What do you want now?
What do you want in this season?
And then what do you want like overall, like in life?
And if you can really, really, really continue to focus
on those questions, not from a selfish standpoint
or an unrighteous standpoint,
we're not out here trying to be like,
illicit gamblers or anything like that.
It's not like that.
We're just trying to literally answer the question,
what do you want?
And if you can define that,
what that helps you do is it helps you get clarity
about what to do.
Because, you know, the big question, especially with men,
but I think with all people, but with men especially,
is like, what am I supposed to do with my life?
What am I supposed to do?
Like, how am I supposed to act?
What am I supposed to be?
You know, what am I?
as opposed to like, what role do I play?
Those are, these are the big questions.
Even though you might not be asking those questions
to yourself daily, it's still, it's definitely like
throughout your whole life,
you're constantly coming back to this, who am I?
What am I doing?
What am I, where am I going?
And there might be temporary seasons where you're like,
I'm involved in this and this is what I do
and I'm in a routine, but inevitably you always come back
to some sort of like inconsistency or lack
or something's not, you know,
this isn't everything I wanted my life to be.
And so you come to those existential moments
where you're asking like the big questions,
like what do I want?
What do I do?
How do I shift?
How do I change this about myself?
And how do I, how do I move forward?
And one of the big revelations I had was
in the last maybe 10 years is really exploring this idea
of like the guilt and shame being motivators.
And so I know this is very prevalent in all of society,
but especially in the religious culture.
And I grew up in church.
I mean, so it's definitely poured on pretty heavy,
you know, when you're looking at it from sort of
even the religious culture, good people.
I've said this before a lot,
like we live in a world today where it's like,
it's like, it's hard, it's hard to be all that you can be.
In other words, we've got a lot of good men
and it, unfortunately, it seems as though
good isn't good enough.
And that may sound really negative,
but it's like the way I explain that is this,
got a lot of good men, every man on this call,
every man that usually shows up for this call
are well-meaning, you know, like law-abiding,
God-hearted, love Jesus, wanna do good things, have careers.
If they don't have like a specific career,
they're working at a job their best,
they're making their way the best they know how.
They are literally like playing by the rules, so to speak.
You're good men, but at the same time,
you don't feel like your life equates with the goodness
that you're like, I'm putting forth all this goodness,
but I'm not getting all,
I'm not getting the relationship back.
I'm not getting the fulfillment back.
I'm not getting like, where's the reward, so to speak,
for doing all this good, right?
And there's this lack.
And it's like, it's really unfortunate
because like the statement rings true
when I sort of articulate it that way
and I describe it that way,
it's as if we live in a culture
where good isn't good enough.
That's like on paper, I don't do drugs.
I'm not gambling.
I'm not like out doing crazy things.
I'm not living for myself.
I'm actually trying to be responsible.
Daniel's just painted it out.
I have my own house.
I have my kids, like I have this career,
like what more do you want from me?
Either woman that doesn't want to be in relationship with me
or even society or even whatever,
whoever's standing before you,
that's going, yeah, no, no, no, no, no thanks.
I'm like, what gives?
Like, what is that all about?
Like, you know, and then, and then
if you lay on sort of the religious to that,
you're like, where's God in all this?
Has God abandoned me?
Has God left me?
I mean, just has left, I mean, am I fatherless?
Basically, you know, like where's the help?
Where's the like help from on high, you know?
So there's a lot of that.
And we bear the burden of that as men, for sure.
Women do, but in their own way.
And we're not talking about men.
We're just talking about men tonight.
And so we bear the burden of this.
We want to be in relationships, like says in Ephesians,
where the man, like, you know, we were, we were just,
we were just kind of like kudos, Daniel,
for like going through the relationship
because you're trying to like lay down your life.
And in Ephesians, that's actually what the job
of the husband is to do.
Love the wife as Christ loved the church.
What did Christ do for the church?
He literally laid down his life.
He literally bled and died.
Like, bro, if that's how I'm supposed to be a husband,
the best way I can be a husband is like bleed and die,
then so be it, right?
But I'm not talking about literally bleeding and dying.
I'm talking about like living, laying your life down
in such a way that the woman who you're in relationship
with, that you're passionately in love with is like,
my man like goes to the mat for me.
Like my man loves me.
Like it's obvious, like loving to the point where like,
not like, hey, I told you I loved you
when we got married, you know, isn't that enough?
Kind of love, it's like loving to the degree
where like it hurts.
And that's awesome, that's powerful, that's passionate.
But then you have on the other side of that coin,
sometimes you have people that are so traumatized
because we live in this overly traumatized world
that we're all in, right?
To where some people can't even receive that kind of love
because they're so traumatically connected to dysfunction.
Right, which may be slightly in the case
of like Daniel's situation, I'm not trying to call that one,
I'm just trying to like use it as an example.
Like here's this person like, bro, seriously?
Like this guy's got it together, we know Daniel
because we see him every week on this call.
And she hopefully was getting to know him,
but like, seriously?
Like you're gonna throw in the towel on this one?
This guy, this bro is a good guy.
Like you got one on the hook,
like why can't we reel this one in, right?
And you're probably wondering the same thing
about some ladies, it's like, yeah, she's not perfect,
but like, why can't I reel this one in?
You know?
Or where are the ladies?
I'm kind of there a little bit too
because I had a good date with a girl in Canada
and it didn't work out despite that, you know?
And she didn't say why, but I don't know.
Yeah.
So my point is, is that something's gotta change.
And kudos on like all the good things you're doing.
Every good thing you're doing is great.
Keep on doing those things.
But then there's those things where you're like,
you're looking at yourself honestly,
and you know that you've got things
that are in your way.
You've got traumas of your own accord.
You're doing the hard work.
You've got things that are in your way.
You've got shortcomings that are, you know,
and we're not gonna articulate them out
because we all know what they are.
Like, you don't gotta tell me where my issues are.
I know my issues.
I'm very familiar with my issues.
You all are familiar with your issues.
The thing we wanna do though,
is we wanna bring about righteous change.
And it comes in the pattern of recognizing our identity
and not being motivated by guilt and shame.
And guilt and shame are huge condemnations,
especially for men, especially for men.
So that's why, that's why this,
so this is the foundation of where this is all coming from.
And so this one,
I'm gonna explore this concept a little bit
because I want you, I want the light bulb to come on.
And I want, I want you to be free
from any cycle of guilt and shame,
regardless of what it is that you find yourself
in patterns of where you're easily being beset, right?
The Bible says that the sin that so easily besets you,
like sets you off course, gets you off, right?
I'm not gonna highlight sin
because I don't wanna capitalize on sin.
We're gonna call sin, sin.
But I don't wanna make this about sin.
I wanna make this about identity.
And I want to make this about you stepping into who you are
and refusing to operate in a guilt and shame cycle.
So that's why the, that's why I shared the note.
So I don't know if some of you may have the opportunity,
may be able to see this on your screen.
You can follow along if you want to,
but I'll kind of go through a little bit.
So I've already said this,
guilt and shame are not acceptable motivators
in the kingdom of heaven.
And when I say motivators, like motivators for change.
Like some people, like if you're being really honest
and you're really down on yourself, like, man, all right,
I see this truth, I'm gonna get, I'm gonna do better.
I'm like, I see my faults and I'm gonna,
like you're like on a high to like make this change, right?
And then you go into it, like, I'm gonna do this
and I'm gonna do it.
Like you're mustering the strength to do this in and of you.
And you're like, I'm gonna do it.
You're mustering the strength to do this in and of yourself.
Like I'm gonna change tomorrow or change now
or starts tomorrow, whatever.
And you're like, I'm gonna do this.
And your will, your strength to just white knuckle it
through whatever this change is only lasts so long, right?
It lasts a day, a week, a month, six months,
whatever it is, you all know the cycle that you go through
in order to make change, right?
Sometimes people lean into like, you know what?
I feel bad about myself, this bad.
I'm gonna keep this anger.
I'm gonna keep this like guilt.
I'm gonna keep this shame.
I'm gonna use it as a motivation to even like shame me
into like doing better, being better, right?
And that never works.
Matter of fact, it makes things worse. And I want you to start recognizing
the guilt and shame for what they are. Guilt and shame are rooted in fear,
condemnation, and self-reliance. Like I said, self-reliance, your own strength,
to muster your own strength to say, I will to do this. There is a part that you have to play in
your will. You have to make up your mind. But then as soon as you make up your mind,
you are leaning in to the other. You are leaning into Holy Spirit. You are leaning in to God's
help. That passion of like Holy Spirit reminding you who you are in Christ, reminding you who you
belong to, who has redeemed you, who has changed your life. And that's not from like a religious
get excited sort of thing. That's like a foundational like, look, you are a new creature
in Christ. You are not the same person you were yesterday. Matter of fact, I went to a church
this weekend yesterday, and they were doing water baptism, and they were sharing the scripture
about how Jesus came to circumcise and circumcision. And I never really saw this.
It's kind of like really interesting, but how, I can't remember the reference. I don't know,
1 Corinthians or I can't remember what it's talking about. Some of you Bible scholars probably
tell me where this reference is at. But talking about Jesus came to circumcise your heart,
right? We've heard that before. And just like the foreskin would be cut away in actual physical
circumcision, which the Jews did because it was a command in the Old Testament to be circumcised,
which made, which physically made them different than everybody else.
There's nobody in the ancient world at that time was circumcised, but the Jews were,
and God told them to do this. So it set them apart. Okay. It's like, bro, that's kind of like
harsh. Like, really? We're going to do that? Like, okay, I guess what we're going to do.
It's one thing when you're a baby and don't remember it. It's another thing when you're
a grown man and like you're chopping off parts of your most sensitive area. And that's just like,
wow. Okay. This is what we're going to do. Okay. Wow. Okay. Right. But Jesus was like,
guys, I'm not here to circumcise your member. I'm here to circumcise your heart.
And the circumcision that Jesus has done,
he's cut away your flesh. When you accept the work of the cross and you become a new
creature in Christ and you become born again, saved, however you want to articulate, however
you want to describe that scripturally, part of the work that Jesus has done in you because of
his work on the cross, he has literally surgically cut out of you the fleshly nature,
that part of you that wants to fulfill your every earthly, just, you know, fleshly desire,
which usually leads to sin or some sort of self-reliance, some sort of like independent.
Right. We can talk about all the taboo stuff, but pride and arrogance, and I'm going to be this,
and I'm going to be that, and taking the world by storm. That can also be just as much an area
of blindness and sin where you're like, you're just all about you. You're selfish. You're
motivated by self gain, and you're all going to do it. You're a self-made man. That is not kingdom.
That will destroy your relationships. That will, you know, create usually someone who is very
corrupt and an abuser themselves on a lot of people and create a lot of damage, a lot of harm.
All the wars and all the things that started in the world
were started by men who thought too highly of themselves,
and were pride and arrogant, and wanted to lust for power, basically.
So self-reliance, condemnation, fear is what is at the root of guilt and shame,
rather than love, grace, and actual transformation through Christ.
Okay, so we're all familiar with these things, but we're not familiar with the
pagans. We intermix a lot of these things all the time, and we don't do it on purpose. We just do
it because we're humans, and we're trying to figure all this out. But what we're trying to do
is we're trying to separate the things that are true transformation—let me get my hands on the
shot here—true transformation versus the guilt and shame, and we're trying to separate those two.
and shame that are not necessary.
And Christ has literally surgically removed
the flesh from you, the fleshly part of you,
the part that your nature
that wants to fulfill your own lust,
that wants to fulfill and depend on your own reliance
and your own ability,
has surgically removed that and given you a heart,
a soft heart, one that can be molded and shaped
and fashioned into the righteousness of God in Christ,
who you are, right?
So here's a couple of references really quickly
down through this list.
Romans 2.4, God's kindness leads to repentance.
The kingdom operates on grace, not condemnation.
It's God's kindness that brings people to change, not shame.
It's God's kindness that comes to you and say,
son, you're not doing this right.
I'm kind of showing you,
like I'm shining a light in this area.
This is not your best self.
This is not who you really are.
Let me call you to a higher version of yourself
and not just let you figure it out, let me help you.
Let me give you the strength.
Let me give you the courage to make this change
and I'll walk with you.
That is the kindness of God.
How many of you are walking in that sort of level of change
in your life?
Some of you were like, yeah, I'm doing that.
And some of you were like, yeah, I'm doing that
in some areas, but in other areas where I struggle more,
maybe not as much, you know what I'm saying?
So I'm trying to help you tonight.
Number two, there is no condemnation in Christ.
Romans 8.1, probably heard that scripture before.
Guilt and shame stem from a condemnation.
When there is a guilty conviction in a courtroom,
what does that term mean to you?
Someone just kind of spit it out.
Is it guilty conviction in a courtroom, a court of law?
What does that mean?
David?
Dead to rights?
No, when you're guilty in a courtroom,
you're convicted and guilty.
Yeah, dead to rights.
So like your rights are gone, you're screwed,
you're owned pretty much by the government, 100%.
It's been decided by a judge and a group of your peers
that you have done exactly what it is
you are alleged to have done.
Yeah, you've been found guilty of this action, right?
Yeah, and it usually synonymous with the word conviction.
And if you look up conviction in the dictionary,
that's the first definition.
The second definition, somebody look up the second,
I looked up the other day,
but I don't have it right in front of me.
Somebody look up the second definition of conviction
and maybe even how it relates to biblical conviction,
and we'll come back to that in just a minute.
But there's therefore now no condemnation in Christ.
Christ came to set us free from any condemnation.
And his way is conviction through Holy Spirit,
which leads to transformation, not paralyzing shame.
Anybody have the word conviction on its second definition?
Yeah, it's a firmly held belief or opinion.
A firmly held belief or opinion.
Now, the reason that a courtroom conviction
is a convicting of sin,
because we're dealing with something
that has been a transgression against the law,
and so has been decided by a group of your peers
or a judge who's in their opinion,
they firmly believe that you were guilty of this crime.
But if you have a conviction of your own
outside of a court of law,
not talking about like a guilty verdict,
but when you have conviction, you have what's what?
Another route to that same word, which is a convincing.
You are convinced.
You are believing something that you know is true.
Like, I don't have to have faith in it.
I just know it's true.
I know this is real.
This is the kind of convincing, the conviction, if you will,
this is the kind of convincing that Holy Spirit's job is
to be your constant companion, your constant friend,
your comforter, the teacher and trainer.
This is the God manifest in the world today.
Holy Spirit who is continually convincing you of who you are. Now if
you're operating in change that way and you are like I'm living out from like
I'm not gonna live under condemnation I'm not gonna live under someone trying
to tell me that I'm just a poor loser all the time and that's supposed to
bring about this transformation in me because boy I've got I've got raw roots
and I'm gonna go like Rocky did and I'm not like and I'm a poor loser and
everything but I must show them like okay that's cool that's a great movie
script but it's not real life you know I'm saying it's not this is why
condemnation and shame are not kingdom motivators for change number three
perfect love cast out fear shame and guilt operate through fear fear of what
fear punishment fear of rejection fear of disqualification what's gonna happen
if you don't measure up what's gonna happen if you don't change someone's
gonna leave you that happens lots of times in relationships a wife is like
I'm fed up with you I married you I love you but if you don't change this has
got to change what's gonna happen she's gonna leave that fear of rejection is
supposed to make you transform that's supposed to make you a better man no it
just puts you more in a fear shame cycle it just puts you more in a
desperation mode where you're gonna try now in your own effort to try to make
yourself a better man a better husband that never works even in a even in a
non-marriage relationship was between a man and woman that never works trying to
be some better man that you know she wants you to be no no you have to be a
better man on your own merit because like that is who the man I am I am the
man who opens the door I am a man who provides to the best of my ability
that's a big hang up with men like oh I'm not a good provider because I don't
have like millions of dollars bullcrap you're doing the best you can you
provided this you provided that let's look at the things I did do let's don't
look at all the things I didn't do let's look at the things I did do we
talked about that for a minute you see how the motivation is wrapped in who you
are who your identity is and your helper Holy Spirit that's alongside of you the
presence of God on the earth today in the form of Holy Spirit who lives on the
inside of you is convincing you continually of who you are who not who
you are not and cast out fear but God's keenness based on love which drives out
fear so anything that's trying to be fear upon it you know fear punishment
fear of rejection fear of disqualification is not a proper
motivator for you for change so if that's what you're feeling like oh I
got to get that out I can't listen to that voice I can't listen to that that's
not a proper motivator for me I got to pay attention to who I am and who I
really who I'm really aspiring to be with God's help number four shame is a
tool the enemy not of God Satan is the accuser of the brethren and anyone who
is accusing you I'm not saying they're demon-possessed I'm just saying they're
operating in the spirit of the accuser Holy Spirit Jesus and God the Father
never accuse you they might call out something that is true in the spirit of
truth and reveal it to you so that then you can overcome it with their help but
that's not an that's not accusing an accuser brings an argument against you
and identify something and then leaves you on your own merit to do whatever you
can survive about oh I'm accusing you oh you did this and it produces in you a
feeling of yeah because when it's true you're like yeah I'm guilty of that and
then you convict your own self like yeah I am that and then you had you you agree
you come into agreement with that and then it produces a cycle of shame that
you feel bad about that because you just identified that yeah that's that's who
you are because you came in agreeing with that now there's nothing wrong with
identifying truth but there is something wrong in agreeing with the spirit of the
accuser versus identifying truth for the purpose of going Lord I'm transparent
You like this is really me like I am guilty of this and I need your help to change it
so
I'm experienced in this guilt for a moment because I'm recognizing the truth here
But now I'm moving on with your help. I'm not gonna go through a shame cycle
I'm rejecting every form of fear. That's trying to come up and try to control me at this moment
Is this helping anybody
Is this making things more clear to you?
Because this isn't and the way I'm describing. This is I want you
I want this to be a new mindset shift for you
I want this to be a tool for you so that you can recognize these patterns and go. Oh
That's fear right there. I think I do that's that's shame right there
That is that is a measure of that is that that is the spirit of accuser right there trying to
Come at me
I'm gonna reject that
That is not Kingdom. That is I'm not gonna be motivated that but that way
I'm going to choose to be motivated by love and peace and my true identity
Okay
Shame is the tool of the enemy that Satan is the accuser shames people to keep them bound Jesus, however
Actually intercedes for us. He prays for us. He's interceding. He's acting on our behalf and restores and offers restoration to us
Number five God's restores and not shamed psalm 34 5 in the kingdom. God lifts our heads
You know, you hear that scripture. That's there's a song that said God is the lifter of our heads
He's not one who because of what he says or what he does to us makes us bow down
He always stands even in the Old Testament
When people encounter the Spirit of the Lord, they were always falling down because of because of fear was like super intimidating
It was like an oh shit moment like whoa, like whoa, I just came into like that. Whoa. What just what is happening?
like I am
afraid and
What did they do almost every instance in Old Testament?
Lift up your head stand up. Why do you bow? Why do you bow down? Why are you afraid?
Because like this intimidating spirit that I've never seen before is like freaking staring me down
But yes, thank you like the next step is okay stand up
It's never like stay down there you dog
Hear my I'm trying to say to you. I'm trying to I'm God and I'm done it at a dot right never
It's always lift up your head. He is the lifter of
your head
He's not the person that shames you into dis into obedience
He restores dignity and he replaces shame with confidence in his love
Everybody on this call if I said does God love you and you'd be like, yeah, he loves me because you know this to be true
But are you do you have confidence?
Like yeah, man, like when when the rubber meets the road, I really know that God loves me
Like when it's getting it's what's getting bad out there
I still know that God loves me like when you can answer it that way with conviction
And I'm not I'm not disparaging if you can't I'm just I'm offering an invitation to say
That's possible
See that is the kind of love that God operates in a a confidence of his love towards you
Confidence of his love towards you
Not some like yeah, like I know God loves me, but wait, no, no, no, no, but
God just loves you and you're like, whoa
Okay
And because God loves you the net the very next thing is
You can now love yourself
That's the very first step
Before you can love others
You must experience God's love for you. And then you must fall in love with yourself
Not an obviously not an arrogance not in selfishness
But literally in a moment like yeah, I have value. God loves me
And I know this I'm convinced of this and
Therefore I'm okay with me. Yeah, I'm not perfect
But I can love myself
and
Then when you start loving yourself, you can start treating yourself better. You start giving yourself grace and
You
You start lifting up your head.
You start behaving better.
You start remembering in the moment, like, oh, it's
about to do something really bad and shameful.
But I just remembered, I love myself.
Whoa.
I'm going to choose differently this time.
Like, what if that started happening in your life today?
What if that started bringing about the change
that you really want to see in you?
Like, that's powerful.
That is like, what if there was a community of men?
What if there were a group of men?
What if there was a league of men
who chose to be motivated by the love of God
inside and for themselves towards change versus the shame
that we all feel?
Right?
How powerful is that?
And then lastly, number six, Jesus bore our shame.
Jesus actually took on our shame so that we
wouldn't have to live under it.
Now, I will admit, from time to time, we do feel guilty.
From time to time, we feel the shame.
But those are supposed to be momentary glimpses that we then
recognize something and we go, you know what?
There's guilt and there's shame here.
Maybe I am guilty of this.
But because Jesus went to the cross, God says, yes,
you are guilty of this action, of this breaking of the law,
if you will.
But because of Jesus, you have been held blameless.
Wow.
That's powerful.
Yes, technically, you are guilty.
But because of what Jesus did, you are now being held blameless.
Therefore, son, go forth in the power of my glory.
Go forth in the power of my love for you.
That truth right there, if you could start walking and living
that out, will not only change your world,
but it will change the world around you.
If you could start articulating that for yourself
and living that way, and then you start articulating that
for other people, like, hey, bro, I noticed
that you've been going through, like, because I'm your friend
and I know you very well, you know, and we work together, whatever.
You've been going through a lot of, like, stuff
and you feel guilty and shameful.
But I'm telling you, what if you didn't have to feel that way
and you start sharing that with others and you start setting them free?
That's powerful.
The kingdom of heaven motivates through love, grace, identity, and purpose.
The Holy Spirit is convicts, is convincing, and does not condemn.
Convincing or conviction brings transformation,
while shame brings stagnation and self-hatred.
And we're very familiar with that, because all of us
have been through the guilt and shame cycle.
Because it produces no growth.
It produces no change.
It only produces self-hatred.
It only produces, yeah, I can't do this once again.
Yeah, I'm a piece of shit once again.
Right?
So hopefully this study, like, illuminates this, not just from,
like, yeah, you know, yeah, I'm not supposed to feel guilty.
No, hey, don't feel guilty, man.
This is more than just like a little, like, pat, encouragement.
Like, hey, man, don't worry about it.
Like, shrug it off.
It's not like that.
This is another level of, like, no, no, no, no, no.
Guilt and shame are not motivators for change in my life.
I'm being set free from the guilt and shame cycle
because of whatever's going on in my life.
Whether it's your behavior or whether it's
you just don't feel like you're matching up, you know,
with expectations, either of yourself or other people, you know.
This is where, this will also give you the power, guys,
to silence the other voices of other people in your head.
Not to, like, disrespect them, not to, like, hate them,
but to literally silence the voice of whether it's a parent figure
or whether it's a boss or whether it's somebody that you highly respect
and value that is, like, condemning you all the time,
telling you how you're falling short.
Well, you didn't do it this way.
You didn't do it that way.
Yeah, but what about this?
You know, that accusing spirit that goes around all the time.
Or maybe it's you.
Maybe it's you that's...
Maybe it's your voice that's constantly accusing yourself of this or that because you've been
trained by someone else that was constantly accusing you.
And the reality of it is, is they're only accusing you and shaming you because that's
their inner voice, right?
But you can't do that, anything for them other than love them, but you can bring about the
change in your own life through this revelation.
I just, you know, I've heard all of these themes all of my life, right?
And if you've ever been around church or church, you know, like you've heard all these messages
before, you've heard these words before, you've heard these things, you've heard these truths
laid out, but you got to drill down to them and understand what the, how the, what the
true power is behind this.
And that's why I want to share this tonight because I want you guys, I want men to be
free from not only guilt and shame, but I want you to rise up into who you really are
and answering the question in part of like, what do I want?
That has that, that path, getting clarity on that will bring you into your true identity
faster than anything.
Getting clarity on what is you want, like truly want, will bring you into your true
identity faster than any, certainly, certainly any shame cycle or certainly any other motivator.
It will bring you faster into your true identity than any other thing on the planet.
Would you be willing to say just a little bit more about that?
So do you mean that that will bring us into actions that align with our identity or do
you mean that it will bring us into an awareness of our identity?
I mean, both.
I mean, you have to become aware first and then you're going to take action.
But yeah, living like, like, I think awareness probably comes first because here's the thing.
A lot of people, we've seen this before.
It's very hard to be something that you've never seen before.
You know what I'm saying?
If you've ever been really motivated by someone like, oh, they did it, and identify with that
person and if they can do it, I can do it type of thing.
It's hard to become something that you can't see.
And so maybe it's not something that you actually see doing it, but at least in your mind's
eye, there are things that I can see about myself that I know that I'm capable of that
I've not achieved yet.
And I'm like, I know I could do, I know I'm, I know that's part of my identity.
And so it's a driver for me.
It's a motivator for me to be like, yeah, I saw that a long time ago when I was younger
or I saw that a few years ago, I saw that last week, like, and I see different things
now in a different part of my life than I did 20 years ago, right?
There was a time in my life that I was not a teacher.
And before I ever taught one class, I was like, you know, it'd be really cool.
I think I could teach, but I never was given the opportunity to, until one day I was given
the opportunity to teach.
And I was like, wow, that's amazing.
Somebody trusts me to stand in front of a group of people and teach something.
And I was like, wow, this is pretty cool.
And then I did like 12 years of that.
And I have that under my belt.
So now I feel comfortable like standing in front, just like teaching something.
But there was a time in my life that I didn't know that I could do that.
So it's kind of like that.
So yeah, the awareness for sure.
And then action, because, I mean, we've all heard this and Jack has talked about this.
It doesn't make any sense to go a hundred miles down a road, a dead end road.
Like literally, the road ends.
Why are you going a hundred miles down this road?
There's like an end to it.
There doesn't go anywhere.
So if you're on a path of action that you think it's like, oh, this is my calling.
This is who I am.
And you're going a hundred miles down this road and like, it has nothing to do.
Like, I'm not saying you miss your calling.
What I'm saying is you just made a poor decision, you know?
Like, oh, this is what I want.
Like, no, no, no, no, no.
That's, let me help you, you know, basically.
And this is where you can lean sometimes into like somebody who's a true mentor,
somebody who can say, hey, this, I see this in you.
Have you ever considered this might be part of your future?
You know, have you ever considered this?
Somebody that you trust.
I'm not talking about just anybody.
I'm talking about a true mentor, a true father figure,
somebody who's a true leader for you.
And allow them to speak into your life.
that can be very helpful. I literally had, I'll tell the story, we're way over time right now,
but I had a guy, and I may have even told the story before, that was, he's a vice president
in an insurance company, but I didn't know him like that. I only knew him as a dad of one of
the teenagers that used to be in my youth group. And I was doing full-time ministry,
and I fired from full-time ministry. I had this great identity in who I was in ministry,
but then when I got fired, I knew nothing of who I was. And I was trying, it was in door-to-door
sales. And I was making like, not minimum wage, but I was making like, certainly not at my
potential at all. And this man years later reached out to me and said, come to my office. And I said,
okay. And I went down to like, you know, a 40 story office building, nationwide insurance,
like nationwide insurance. He's a vested officer in nationwide insurance, a vice president of
operations and nationwide insurance without a college degree, this man is.
And he's accomplished. And I knew him as a dad. His name is Buzz, Buzz Weckner.
And I went up to Buzz's office, nice office, accomplished. And Buzz sat me down and he
looked at my resume and he said, this is crap. And I went, what? I said, this is all the stuff
I've ever done. He goes, it means nothing. And from a professional point of view, he was able
to show me how my resume was completely insufficient in describing what I was done and who I was.
And then he asked me, he said, how much do you make at this? And I said, eh, on a good year,
I might make 65,000. I don't know. Maybe 65,000 sounds a lot to you, but trying to support a
family on $65,000 is tough these days. And he goes, you make what? And you're how old?
You should make a hundred grand. He says, I know who you are. Your skill sets this,
your skill sets that. And you have this crappy resume and you're like, he wasn't guilting me.
He was just literally shining a light in my face saying, what the hell are you doing?
And that was really helpful. And he became a mentor to me. And a year later, I was able to
go back to him and say, after I had multiple sessions with him, I was able to go back to him
and say, man, thank you. You helped me get my resume together. I presented. A few months later,
I was actually had an opportunity to shift up and I literally shifted up to a six-figure income
within a year of what I was doing before. But I would not have made that shift
if he didn't confront me in love. Cause it was, it was very loving,
but it was like a father going, son, like you're better than this. I know who you are.
Like, you don't even know who you are. I know who you are better than you know yourself.
Let me show you. See, so if you have somebody in your life that can be a mentor to you, you can
say, Hey, I see things in you. I see things, better things than you. I see this path. Have
you considered ever trying this? You know, that's awesome. If you can, if you can have that,
somebody who believes in you, all that kind of stuff.
And then you can, and then, yes, like you said, Thomas, then you can take action.
You can take like really clear action. Like I'm going to do this.
Here's a fitness program. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. Well,
is it the best fitness program? Who knows? There's a thousand of them out there.
Choose one that seems right to you. Go after it. In six months,
you'll probably see some change. If you're, if you're, if you're a faithful to it,
you know, and then you can make modifications and you can make adjustments.
We're way over time, guys. I hope this has been encouraging to you. Everybody click on
the thing to get the notes. If you want them, I'll try to make them available
elsewhere, maybe in the app if I can. And, but if you have questions, if you have questions, David,
you have questions, David.
I didn't know like an appropriate area to ask this. Is it possible to get a
copy of the last year's single graphic? I was going to make an ugly Christmas sweater.
That's your single style. I'm surprised you never told Jackie that. Not, what do you mean?
That one day in the chat where I was joking about making, like we were all talking about
last year.
your single swag.
And I was like, I was thinking of making
a last year Christmas sweater,
last year single ugly Christmas sweater.
No, I missed that.
But at the same time, you shared,
I only heard your ugly Christmas sweater collection
first on your True Truths and a Lie or whatever
on the spotlight.
I know Daniel was there,
the hard work that we did for it, but.
I apologize.
Yeah, I think it was the same day
that Ketan and I were quoting Monty Python,
back and forth.
Interesting.
It was a good day.
Yeah, there were,
I think there were a lot of shenanigans that day.
People remember it, yeah.
I do remember the ugly Christmas sweater.
Sorry if I missed that, bro.
I will.
But yeah, I was.
I think David, you know,
like the unruly kids in the backseat,
I think David just started ignoring us at a certain point
and that's why.
Maybe that's what it was.
I was trying to get something done.
I would be remissed if I gave you an official copy
of the logo to do that with.
Yeah, no, I was figuring,
because like even my combat vet group was like,
oh, we can't give you an official copy.
I can't do nothing about it if you rip it off, so.
Well, I don't feel comfortable doing that.
I would just like make a relative,
like, because I just realized,
I just came across the affiliate play,
replay,
and this whole time I thought the affiliate
was something completely different
from what it actually is.
I thought it was like,
I don't wanna like host the last year single program
in a city.
No, no, no.
That sounds like too much work.
And then I listened to the replay.
I'm like, oh.
Yeah.
So then I also thought, oh, hey, I can get that scan.
You can sign up on affiliate.
Get the link.
Well, I don't know if it's gonna work, but.
Here's what you can do.
You can get the link.
You sign up, get the link.
You can turn that link into a QR code.
Put that QR code on your shirt.
Put it on a sticker.
That's what I was gonna do.
I don't know if it's gonna work out well on this
cause it's an actual knitted sweater.
Technologically.
We'll see what happens.
We'll see.
Yeah.
But yeah, that was pretty much my question, man.
All right, guys.
I love you so much.
You're good men.
We have the power to be gooder, better men
and not on our own strength,
only through the power of love, grace and transformation.
Guys, we'll see you next week.
Have a good one.
Okay, brother.
Brothers.