So I'm listening to that and I just start crying and weeping and uncontrollably and
I had to pull off the side of the road and that's where I came face to face with my
shame and my failures and my brokenness and that's when I really cried out to God.
Welcome back everybody to the Steve Holt podcast.
I'm Ryan Steyer, the executive pastor at The Road and I'm here with Dr. Steve Holt, founder
of The Road, senior pastor and author of the book Breakthrough Courage.
Today we're going to be talking about habit number four, facing the unmentionables.
And in my opinion, my humble opinion, I feel like this could be the most challenging chapter
of the book.
Yeah.
So good.
So challenging.
Yeah.
And I think the way I set it up with the other habits was really fortuitous.
I mean, I was doing the best that I could to try to figure out what's best for people.
But I think starting off with seeking the kingdom and then embracing hard, then developing
bloodstained allies and now facing the unmentionables is a sequence that's really important because
we're not going to be able to really do habit four without habit three, without habit two,
without habit one.
So and then it turns out it's right in the middle, it's kind of right in the middle.
So it's sort of a pivot.
It might even be kind of a pivot point about how bad do you want breakthrough courage in
your life?
Amen.
Well, you can't certainly get to the finish line of the full meaning and I think the desire
of breakthrough courage without, I mean, this, this is a hurdle you've got across kind
of your Rubicon.
I want to read off page 68 here, just as the outline or the definition of habit number
four.
And you write, it is the habit of facing the unmentionables of shame and failure.
It's in being vulnerable over these areas we hate to talk about that true authentic
healing can take place.
Such courage to be vulnerable brings breakthrough into wholehearted living.
So there's a lot there and you want to do a great job unpacking that later in the chapter.
But as we talk about shame and failure, we had mentioned this, or you had mentioned this
in I think, you know, habit number two, embracing the hard where we start to pose the blame
game I think is really what that is.
And as we look at facing our unmentionables, the habit, I think maybe the default setting
in our humanity is we go to the blame game somewhat.
Now we've already unpacked that, but I think it applies here in how we take courage into
our fear facing shame.
Facing shame is such a huge thing.
Yeah.
I think the mechanism within us that's part of our sinful side of our nature, coupled
with the accent that comes from culture itself, is to run and hide when anything fearful happens.
So that sort of cortisol release within us is a fight or flight mechanism, but I think
there's almost like a spiritual cortisol in us too that wants to run and hide and pretend
like something that has happened to us in the past that deeply wounded us either didn't
happen or we just don't want to go there.
And I think we don't want to go there because it's frightening to experience those emotions
again.
Many times our experiences of the past are connected to an emotion and they create an
emotion in us.
And a lot of us spend most of our life running from negative emotions instead of facing them.
And so we don't mention them.
They're the unmentionables.
Yeah.
Oh, that's so good.
I'm thinking some of those places, and later in the chapter you refer to them as our shame
caves, caves by nature being shrouded in darkness.
You know, they're often dark.
You have to bring your own light into caves, whatnot.
There's some beautiful illustration there.
But around trauma, these are things that, when we're talking about our unmentionables
today, when I think about that, I impact that it's resolving this desire for God's true
freedom around the things that have either happened to us or the things that we've done
to ourselves by our own story or testimony.
Some of that can be around this idea of trauma.
trauma, the traumatic things that happen to us,
and then we reconcile or resolve.
In some cases, stuffing, this idea of a stuffer,
where we're just gonna kind of pack it down
and hope that it doesn't surface up,
infection, we're able to keep that infection under control,
continue to kind of medicate that infection.
Yeah, what would you say, I mean, being a pastor,
obviously people come for counsel oftentimes,
and they're bringing their traumatic stories,
and it's almost like they want, there's this invitation
where they almost wanna touch that iron,
but then they back off.
You know, you're like, okay, you're not ready yet,
you're not really ready to go there
and talk about the unmentionables.
Holy Spirit's a huge part of that, Jesus in us,
we just have to be open, and I think there's a sequence
that you unpack in the book, right,
where we get before God first,
and then we bring it to friends, trusted allies,
bloodstained allies, and in some cases,
we go into the professional world of counseling,
where that's appropriate.
It's kind of your journey in how you started to,
there's that sweet invitation by God,
he's inviting you in to face some of those unmentionables.
What does that look like?
I think the pain of the hide-and-seek game
is very painful after a while,
and there has to become something within us
that's willing to forge into the pain
of facing it, dealing with it, and talking about it,
and I think that for most of us,
it is something that happens, it's out of our control,
in our life, where we realize we're really stuck.
We're just stuck, and we don't understand
why it is that we pose, why it is that we hide-and-seek,
why it is that we pretend.
Until something begins to happen in our life,
we invite the Holy Spirit to give us wisdom about that,
but I don't think you can even take the next step
without there being some blood-stained allies,
some other men, in the case of men,
other women, in the case of women,
in one's life that you feel like they've got your back,
that they care about you, and that they love you,
and they're gonna accept you, whatever you share.
I guess counseling, I guess going to a counselor
can be like a blood-stained ally,
but I think true freedom that's long-lasting
is when we have some blood-stained allies in our life
that we can regularly go to and talk about
that are just normal people like us
who care about us and love us.
And so, I don't know, man, it's sort of like
you really decide you wanna grow.
You're not gonna let other people,
you're not gonna let other circumstances
control you anymore, and you're gonna break out
of the shame cave.
You're gonna come out of the cave,
into the light, and start growing again.
I think that is the pivot point in our journey,
and I think we've talked about this,
maybe even on the show, I know we've talked about it
one-on-one and in other places where I think studies
would say up to an age of like 25, we're formed,
we're kind of concrete by then,
and then post-25, the age of, it would take
a traumatic event to break us out of those habits,
to forge new ones, to face shame.
Now, I'm packing this thought, I love this,
because in here you say shame is all about fear.
When I think about the tool belt of Satan
and his ultimate goal, which is outlined in John 10, 10,
that his goal is to kill, steal, and destroy,
and God redeems that at the end
about what Jesus comes to give us,
but his tool belt on that to accomplish that mission
is fear and shame, and you write here
that shame and fear are Satan's greatest tools
to destroy the hearts of men and women.
We need our whole heart.
We are created to be wholehearted,
and shame is the exact opposite of being wholehearted.
We teach this, obviously, this would be a core thread
and theme for the men's ministry here,
and I know the women are unpacking that too
in their own ways and the things that they face
as being women, but as a man,
one of the things that we see, that we're both uncovered,
is that shame locks all of us up, no doubt,
but there's this leverage of fear,
and when he puts those together,
what a powerful combination to keep us in bondage,
this invitation, this truth,
where we're gonna throw it all on the table, right?
We're going all in on the promises and the word of God
to say, I wanna unlock from this.
I'm gonna really step into the truth
of what God has said in his scriptures.
I'm gonna put that to the test.
That's right.
That's how we mature.
I think that's why when Jesus talks about,
you shall know the truth, the truth shall set you free,
it's not just hearing the truth, it's believing it.
leaving the truth and starting to live in truth. And this is one of those truth areas that's probably
one of the most uncomfortable. Very few people want to go there. Thus, most believers are
half-hearted. Most of them are stuck where they're at. They're battling depression, anxieties, and
fears just like everybody else because they haven't allowed the Holy Spirit to move them
into relationships. They're a little scary, a little frightening. They've been hurt by
relationships. They've been betrayed in relationships. But you try again and you begin
to ask, God, who are people in my life that can help me navigate me facing these unmentionable
areas? And, you know, when we talk about, in Scripture, confess your sins to one another and
you shall be healed, that's another way of facing the unmentionables. Scripture outlines kind of
that ointment or that antibiotic, God's kingdom's medicine for the enemy's tool belt here. I think
in your writings and even your vulnerability in writing this chapter, the things that you
were facing, God was showing and outlining and bringing to light in your own life, how impactful
the writings of Brene Brown were, how revelationary that was, and even revolutionary for your heart.
I want to read a passage here that she writes. It's so good. If we want to live in love with
our whole hearts, and if we want to engage with the world from a place of worthiness,
which we all do, I think, we have to talk about the things that get in the way, especially shame,
fear, and vulnerability. Vulnerability is such a scary concept for a lot of us,
probably from a place of, as a kid, we have no filter and we just meet the world unguarded.
And then along the way, right, we start to take those arrows. The enemy starts to place arrows
in our hearts. And in some of those arrows actually become mortal if we don't treat them.
And I think that's what she's talking here, because this is now, these arrows connect to
our identity, this concept of worthiness, what we bring into relationship. It's such a huge thing
for humanity where the enemy has really found our Achilles heel, if you will, to keep us locked up.
So this concept of vulnerability is huge. And we don't get to vulnerability until we have the
breakthrough courage to deal with our shame and fear. And in the book, you're writing about this
challenge that God gave you on the side of the road. You're driving up and he gives you this
kind of this audible challenge. You can run and hide, or you can take this moment and you can
face it, brother. Yeah. Yeah. And that was on the onset of just really realizing there's issues in
my life. I can blame these other people, but there's really issues in my life. Then I hear
Brene Brown in her famous speech that she gave in a TED talk on shame and vulnerability. So that's
what I was listening to. So I'm listening to that and I just start crying and weeping and uncontrollably
and I had to pull off the side of the road. And that's where I came face to face with my shame
and my failures and my brokenness. And that's when I really cried out to God because it seemed like
he was, and I don't want to say it was an audible voice, but it was just such a, in my inner man,
this voice of challenge. So you can either be a coward basically, or you can be courageous.
And I took courage. I went the way of courage and nobody would have known, you know, at first,
nothing changed that much, but I was changing within. It's pretty cool when nobody can say
anything to you, negative, maybe even cutting and you just can agree with it. Yeah, that's true.
I am arrogant. I am prideful. I have not been a good leader. I've let people down. Yep. That's
true. So I'm, I'm working on it and I'm facing it. I'm going to get prayer for it. I'm going to grow
through it. Yeah. And that's a totally different view than blaming someone else. And, and then
also kind of justifying, justifying my existence with, with that to going, well, I don't know what
their motives are. I don't know what your motives are over here, but I'm recognizing that I have a
lot to grow in. So I'm going to, I'm going to grow and nobody's going to stop me and the God spirit,
I'm going to, I'm going to be a better person.
person. I'm going to be a more mature person than I've ever been. I'm going after it. That's wholehearted.
Love that. I think last, last session, we were talking about allies, the tenderness. We were sharing a season of tenderness and where, you know, crying every day. You had your season. I went through my season not long after that. And it's that invitation where God speaks to us. And I remember you kind of forging a path for me to watch and watch how you, you modeled that with just humility and
grace, mercy. I mean, and then the extension, you extended that to me in a season that I needed it in my own life. But I was able to draw on kind of watching you walk that path and then trusting it for myself. And I was thinking about when I was reading that chapter where God invites you into that, there's this invitation to say, you know, you can put away your false masks, the things that have kept you, what you feel is this false sense of security, but they've also kept you locked up. Because in your core heart, you know that
you're betraying yourself. You know, that you're not being authentic to yourself first and foremost, and then also to God, but God sees us. There's this desire for us to walk in his original idea and design for us. I have this moment where I think I call it kind of a freedom mountain. And I'm on the side of the road to on top of a mountain. And, and I'm just crying out. And I'm audibly screaming out freedom from myself, because I'm so desperate for God to come and give me that because I'm so
sick of this, you know, decades of bondage and lies from the enemy that I partnered with. You know, there's the things that have happened to me that impacted and created a filter for a behavior pattern. But there were still things that I had to own that I did, you know, yeah, I was wounded, but now I'm reacting and I'm wounding myself, I'm wounding those that love me around me. And I'm like, this is no way to live. This is no way to live as a husband, as a father. And I wanted freedom from that. I'm just crying on the side of the road. And God starts to break my heart open to get
to that infection. Yeah. And that was scary. That was terrifying to figure that out to walk that out. Yes. And just, I remember thinking, living out the words of what Brene Brown says about shame, if they know this about you, nobody's going to want to be in relationship. That's right, man. And I risk that. And I took it to trusted brothers, you being one of them, and risk that and just the acceptance of going to walk with you. We love you. That was so empowering to continue to even take the very next step.
When it felt like I was going to collapse. Yeah. Yeah, it's really scary. It's scary because you haven't done it before. You haven't done it before. And this is the thing is that the areas of our life where we've never given ourselves permission to go is no man's land. It's like there's this darkness out there. And we like to control stuff, right?
Of course. So we feel, you feel out of control. I wonder if something couldn't be said about that part of growth in anything, but especially psychologically and spiritually, is found when you get out of control. When you move into an arena where you really, truly have to trust God because all your props are gone.
So you always have props. You always build props, but there's no props. And you have to navigate on a different level, the spirit filled life. Yeah. Like what's wisdom here? I don't know. But you're not going to, you're not going to get wisdom if you don't go to a place where you need wisdom.
I was thinking about the invitation that I felt from God to correlate it to what God was sharing with you at that moment. And it's this, this season or this, this invitation that I think that does come to all of us where there's, there's that moment where through trauma of facing, embracing, or facing our unmentionables that God gives us the invitation.
For me, it was like, are you going to continue to be a marble where I apply pressure to your life to impacts authentic change and you're going to slip out? Or are you going to be a grape and let me squash and squeeze you and the juice from that. And it will be sweet. The juice from your life. If you let me break you and squeeze you will be sweetness that I can use for my kingdom and just being obedient in that moment.
And I realized for me, and I know this is true of you too. It's like, okay, I can keep playing the hide and seek game, but this is a real moment that I'm either going to face or I'm going to continue to run. And I know what running looks like. And it's just more bondage and enslavement, entrapment. And there was that hunger for freedom. Like there's a better way. And on the other side of that, just being released. I can only think about like a prisoner who's been in jail forever and then comes out into the world with new eyes, a new lease on life.
The air is sweeter. The sky is brighter. The sun is warmer.
They're just like, Oh my gosh, like I'm at the beach here, you know?
And that's how you build security.
You start building your new identity in Christ, who you are, that you belong, that
you're worthy, that you're loved by God, that you're a daughter or you're a son of God.
And there's a new kind of security that comes with that and a confidence that comes with
that. And then you get around.
People are insecure all the time and you really see they're still controlled by the
past. They're still controlled by their trauma.
And I just want to encourage them.
And for any of you out there that that's you, that you lack confidence, you find
yourself fearful of certain circumstances, you're fearful of a lot of things in your
life. God can set you free.
God can begin to really work if you'll give him time, if you'll give him the
opportunity, if you'll face some of those things that are holding you down.
And ask God, what are those?
What are the things in my heart that are holding me back from being wholehearted?
Yeah, this concept of, you know, we have a whole heart.
We were meant to live from it.
You know, Paul writes about the old man, the false man, and these things, these masks
that we wear that give us this false confidence.
Once you've experienced, I would say maybe you would agree with this, that when you
kind of walk out of the prison walls, it's easier to spot.
You can spot it on people.
You're like, oh, there's a more courageous version of you in there and we can see
them. You can see them enslaved.
You can, you can spot it on them because, you know, you're like, I was once there.
I can see that on you because I was there and I know what that looks like.
But there's this invitation, man.
You don't have to have that, like you don't have to live that way.
Right. And man, we're just, it's been a theme for the road since probably, you know,
it's early days since its inception of this concept of let's, let's walk into our
shame. Let's face the fear.
Let's risk vulnerability for the payout of freedom and a whole heart, but definitely
just hearing God's voice as the good shepherd in a deeper way to guide, lead us in
this empowering thing that we have.
Yeah. Really breakthrough courage.
Right. And so it's almost like you're born to be a king, you're born to be a queen.
But you were born in poverty, but you still have the inheritance.
Oh, that's good. That's yours.
But until you're willing to break out of your poverty by identifying your poverty,
talking about your poverty, talking about the trauma and the slavery that you've been
through, you can't, you can't live out your freedom that you now have.
It is what you have.
And lots of us who are saved, who have a personal relationship with Christ, tend to
limit what God can do in us based on our past experience.
So even though we're saved now, we still carry the trauma.
We still carry the defeats.
We still carry the failures.
That's right. So there's that next step in our journey as disciples that I am a worshiper
and a warrior. I am a son of the king.
I am a daughter of the king.
And I'm going after that.
I want to I want to experience all of the promised land that God has given to me.
And that's huge.
You know, I think about just even that initial first step of trusting the very nature of
God. We read about his demeanor, his ultimate love, the inheritance, and then we filter
our decision to move forward or not.
Sometimes based on the brokenness of our own biological parents and where that can keep
us hostage, like mom was hard.
Dad was difficult.
How can I trust the true nature of God?
Who is at the end of the day?
He's such a gentleman.
He's so kind.
And we enter in, you know, for my journey, entering into this unknown kind of stepping
into the abyss of how is he going to how's he going to take care of this?
He's promised me good, that he'll see me through the end.
I'm not alone.
And dealing with me, I mean, my biggest fear of bringing my shame to the table, the
narrative that I think the enemy used so much in my life was this fear of abandonment, the
fear of being alone that kept me tethered.
Like, nobody's going to want to be around you.
You're not going to have any friends.
You're not going to have any relationships, which is so Brene, but then God on the other
side of it, he's so tender and gentle with the process on us.
And it is this kind of true, almost closing your eyes and taking that next step and
saying, I'm going to put away the, you know, family of origin filters and trust the
goodness and sweetness and the gentleness of God who wants to father us so beautifully
in those in those moments of obedience.
And what happens to you and even what happens to those around you who have the
privilege of being.
Part of your journey is the opposite of what you think is going to happen.
So you think people are going to think less of you.
You think they're going to take advantage of you.
Yeah.
But actually, they respect you more.
That's been my experience.
I mean, I, I know that there, maybe it's because I, it probably is because I've picked good,
blessed and allies, but I've not been too disappointed with that.
I found that most people who hear your story and they know that comes from a humble place
of the transformation that's happening in your life because you're willing to talk about it.
They envy that, they want that, they admire that, they respect that.
And, and you get a, you get another level of spiritual authority in the lives of those
around you when they come to realize that you're just not a poser anymore.
You're not a pretender anymore.
You're trying the best you know how to be the best man, best woman that you can be.
Yeah.
That can't be understated.
I mean, that's such a huge part of that process.
And that is the way people show up for you and good blood stained allies.
I agree that that can't be understated either.
Just the quality of bloodstained ally that can hold that space for you,
walk with you through it.
Again, hearing God's voice, encouraging you in those processes.
So I think that's a huge part of this journey.
So what's cool about the journey is that you start building up
this reservoir of good friends and you've got equity with people
because God's used them in your life.
They feel bonded to you.
I mean, look at our table, you know, Tuesday morning, those guys,
all of those guys at the table with us have had something happen.
Yeah.
That we've walked through with them.
We now have some history together.
Yeah.
There's dozens of others out there that are not with us now because they've moved on.
But if we came together at, you know, a meal or something.
Yep.
10 years later, we'd still have all these memories of growing together.
Yes.
So that bond is never more tight than when we go heart to heart with other people.
Absolutely.
On page 75, you write, you tee up Psalm 31 so great.
And I mean, you have now this confessional resume of David.
He's showing us pure, authentic humanity,
probably not recognizing his words are going to be immortalized in the canon,
but still, you know, it gives us this aspect of the human heart,
the things that we've carried for since creation and that there's no new tricks.
There's just repeated tricks on us and tools from the enemy.
And then there's David modeling this breakthrough courage, this whole heartedness.
And right before we read the Psalm, you write this.
And I thought this was just fantastic.
All of us carry guilt and shame, and it can either finish us or form us.
People who are courageous enough to be vulnerable with God
and other people about their shame are those who experience breakthroughs into freedom.
And at the end of the day, through our own demise and sin, we're cast out of Eden.
We're now interacting with Satan and his plans for God's creation to enslave, capture, destroy.
And then there's this beautiful thread of God's redemption
being woven through the scriptures about the ultimate salvation that's coming through Christ
and the cross and how Jesus models facing shame, naked, beaten.
And even how you're writing that, you know,
Jesus couldn't have the resurrection without facing his shame.
And for those of us that have faced the shame,
the resurrection on the other side of that saying, you know what?
There was a season maybe I needed the masks.
I needed the false selves.
And I'm not going to beat myself up, but I don't need them anymore.
So thank you.
I'm going to be kind to myself, but I'm okay now.
And I'm going to put those aside.
And I'm experiencing the resurrection into freedom.
Yeah.
So beautiful.
Yeah.
And then David's modeling that throughout the psalm, right?
Yeah, yeah.
And the defenses are gone.
The offenses are gone.
You're forgiven.
You can walk in forgiveness.
I don't know, man.
There's just so much freedom.
That comes with all of this.
At first, it's not that way.
At first, it's super hard.
Facing the unmentionable is really difficult, really risk-taking, really dark.
But as you keep confessing, you keep letting the light shine.
Second Corinthians 4, 6, you keep letting the light shine in there.
That's right.
It really does begin to be an antiseptic of healing
to that wound of your heart that does begin to heal.
What I've realized is that the more times
that I've been able to be vulnerable, authentic, and share,
even when I start to sense that the enemy,
because he's relentless for all of us,
he's lost a captive, he's lost a prisoner, right?
So he wants to get us back in the shackles.
So the more often that I've been able to share my story
with brothers, trusted allies,
bringing light consistently onto those places,
it continues to be the best astringent, right?
The best medication, God's light,
healing light of his kingdom to our hearts.
For sure.
But it is risky.
Yeah.
But it's worth the risk.
It is.
It's worth the risk.
It can't be stressed enough.
Yeah.
My encouragement to you tuning in today
that if you find yourselves in this place,
follow James 5.16, bring it to a trusted brother,
a sister, an ally, pray for your healing,
start to develop this and walk it out,
and you'll be amazed with the healing power light of God
that's going to start bringing that healing
and just a new heart, that new creation,
and the freedom that comes from that.
And you never want to trade that.
You know, you never sit down.
You don't, once you've tasted true freedom,
you don't want to sit down at the table of negotiation
for bondage again.
So.
Yeah, you don't want to go back.
You don't want to go back to that.
And it's an ongoing, it's an ongoing decision.
It's an ongoing process of a road less traveled.
So I agree with Ryan, just go for it
and let God, let God speak to you about things in your life
that you're realizing are areas
you're now finally ready to face,
and then begin to find some trusted allies.
Could be a professional counselor too,
but begin to talk it out, begin to speak it out
without blame, but own it for yourself.
And then, and then invite the Holy Spirit into that.
And God's gonna bring freedom.
Absolutely.
We're in the middle of Breakthrough Courage right now.
And I will just say that this particular theme is,
it's not written necessarily as like a pillar of,
you know, tenants of our faith on the website,
but it's been in, it's been a theme
that's run through the road.
And I know it's been on our hearts.
We've walked it out together.
We've seen other people witness them walk out, get freedom.
And I would say that facing your shame,
conquering your fear and being vulnerable
is definitely a mission statement
that's not written on the road's website,
but it's in all of our hearts.
And it's the DNA of the church, the DNA of you.
It's the DNA of the kingdom of God
that you're carrying and modeling.
So we invite you into that deeper expression.
And I think it'd be great.
Brother, would you wanna close us in the audience today
with a prayer and an invitation to that?
Absolutely.
That'd be awesome.
Yeah, so let's pray you guys.
So Father, we just thank you for this time together.
We thank you, Lord, for the truth of the fact
that we can now renounce our shame.
Yes, God.
And we can walk in newness of life
through the power of your spirit,
through blood-stained allies,
where we're able to deliver our pain.
We can deliver our trauma to blood-stained allies,
to every man's conscience.
And that, Lord, your light starts to shine through that,
starts to shine through the clouds,
shine through the tears, shine through the hurt
and the defensiveness that we have.
And you begin to gradually set us free,
gradually cutting those ropes
that are wrapped around our hearts.
So Lord, I pray a blessing on everyone out here
who's listening to this, that you would give them courage.
You would give them breakthrough courage
to step out, allow you to bring blood-stained allies
into their life, begin to talk about these things,
begin to get things off their chest and off their heart
with a new level of vulnerability.
So empower them, Lord, to be open, authentic and vulnerable.
And I thank you, Lord, that as a result,
their lives are gonna be transformed and changed
in some unpredictable as well as surprising ways.
So we just bless those out there listening to this
in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
Thank you, Father.
Amen. Amen.
Amen, thank you.
Thanks for joining us today.
We'll see you next time for habit number five.
God bless you.
God bless you guys.