All right, my phone's about to die
and that has all your wonderful names on it
that wanna get in the love seat.
All right, so if you are new to love seats,
raise your hand.
We have a lot of phase two ladies in here with us tonight.
This is your sneak preview of phase three sessions,
love seats, which is dating coaching
and relationship coaching with me,
little old me, Jackie D.
Let's see all of the hands of the phase two ladies
that are navigating through their love story accelerator.
Look at all those hands, you guys.
So many, so many.
All right.
A little background.
All right, some of you graduated to phase three
and some of you are having a sneak peek tonight
of what love seats looks like.
We do love seats once a month
and love seat is the time when I just get in the love seat.
I get in the trenches with you,
into these dating trenches,
into these relationship trenches,
and we talk about what is happening
in your lives in real time.
People can volunteer as tribute
to get in the love seat with me
to talk about their situation or their non-situation.
Some people get in the love seat
to talk about hypothetical situations, which is also fine,
but we have a lot of fun here.
And then we'll take just regular Q&A as well
as we get to the end tonight.
Sound good?
All right, so before we start, you guys,
there are some really important things
that we need to just do a little housekeeping here
at the beginning.
So number one thing that I wanna say to all of you guys
is make sure that you mute when you come in.
Make sure you mute because otherwise,
if you hear a lot of racket in the background,
you're like, man, who's making all that racket?
It might be you.
It might, it actually might be you making all that racket.
So make sure that there's a little microphone and it's red.
That means that you're muted until you're unmuted
because you're unmuting to say something
if you're getting in the love seat
or you're called upon to talk.
Also make sure that your camera is off.
So your camera needs to be red as well.
If you are, if your camera's on,
your clothes should be on too.
See how that works?
My clothes are on and my camera is on, okay?
Not to be condescending, but we need to make sure
that we're paying attention to technology
because we've had too many booby shows
and we don't wanna do that, all right?
So let's make sure that our camera is red
if we are getting out of the shower,
if we're doing something, we're changing clothes.
If we just don't wanna be on camera,
make sure that your camera is red, okay?
And I will definitely give you a little pro tip.
You should come to these sessions on camera.
Why?
Because you should be practicing
just putting yourself out there, letting people see you.
Yes, it's a co-ed session.
We do have our men's program.
They are invited to these sessions as well.
A lot of them do not attend.
We have a handful of guys, our faithful few that do attend.
So yes, there are guys here live,
but a lot of men watch season replay, okay?
So they watch season replay as well.
So you wanna make sure that you have your camera on
because you're practicing just to be seen.
Public forum.
In fact, we just had-
It's time for my own.
We just had, you guys,
there's a lot of people coming on unmuted tonight.
This is more than normal.
We just had a testimony
from one of our beautiful phase two students
that when she first came into the program,
she was very shy, never talked, never turned on her camera,
and that she has broken free from that.
Raise your hand if you feel like
that is just an area where you struggle,
not just virtually, but just in person.
You struggle with the whole grace on your face.
One of my coaches and mentors says that all the time.
You struggle with putting yourself out there.
You struggle with being seen.
You struggle with speaking up.
Let's see all the people that struggle with communicating.
That would include telling other people who you are
or what you need.
Let's see all the people that struggle with that.
Go ahead.
And some of you actually might be better in writing
than you are in speaking.
And so we just wanna help you to get to a place
where you can just represent yourself well,
because all of you are created by God
and all of you are important.
All of you are lovely and good,
and God has all kinds of amazing things
that he wants to do through you,
but you have to be able to put yourself out there,
to present yourself, so to speak.
So let's let this be a practice run
on these safe space meetings and gatherings.
Let this be a practice, right?
Good?
Everyone, thumbs up?
Okay.
And so then the third thing I wanna say is,
housekeeping before we jump into love seats is, um, I want to just go through a little bit of
zoom etiquette really quick. Yes. You want to make sure that you're muted when you come in,
because otherwise that's exactly what you're going to do. You're going to disrupt the meeting
right there. So make sure that when you come in, you're muted. Okay. Um, then secondly,
all of this chatter that happens in the, in the chat, it is very distracting for a lot of people.
It would be the equivalent of you being in a class and then other people are having side
conversations all around you when you're trying to listen to the teacher. Okay. And so what's the
chat for? Well, I'm glad you asked the chat is for you to, um, give your, you know, affirmation
to what's being said for you to ask questions for you to, um, respond when we have an activation,
if we ask you to put something or tell us something, um, then we want you to do that.
Come on. I see some coaches coming in here on muted. You guys know better than that.
All right. Lots of distractions tonight with that. Let's make sure that we come in here muted.
All right. So don't have sidebar conversations. If you don't agree with something that a coach
is saying, and this, this is on any of your sessions, you know, the chat is not the place
to put your disagreement of that. Guess what? They're the teacher for a reason and you're not.
Okay. You should never a hundred percent agree with anybody and you're allowed to think your
own thoughts, but you're not allowed to dissent and to cause disruption, um, in the chat. All
right. So, and if you're, if you show up, you're having a bad day, then, you know, maybe just say,
Hey, please pray for me. I'm having a bad day. Instead of just being negative Nellie or Ned
in the chat continuously, just, you know, putting up all kinds of things that just bring
the entire groups, you know, stock down. We don't want that, right?
A rising tide lifts all ships. We want to make sure that we're, we're rising together. We don't
want to fall together. We're rising together. The Bible says, you know, if someone falls,
we should be able to pull them up. We can't pull them up. If we're all in the same ditch together,
can we, and we all have bad days, including me. All right. So really important stuff.
All right. Rachel is telling us that her makeup's really pretty today, even though she can't come
on camera because she's at work and we believe her and that's great. All right. Slay girl.
It's great. All right. All right. So let's get started. That's our housekeeping for today.
And so that includes supernatural Saturday. That includes Sunday night activation. Yes.
There's lots of chatter in the chat. And when we ask you to put it up, Hey, put up this,
put up that, tell us this, tell us that. Yes. That's appropriate. Having sidebar conversations
about something you read somewhere, someone else's coaching or something else or dissenting
or just being super negative or whatever is not appropriate for a live chat. Cool. All right. Thank
you so much. All right. So let's get started. Father God, we thank you, Lord, that you are full
of wisdom, that you are the source of all wisdom, not us. And so we ask that you would speak to us
and through us tonight, that you would give us revelation and insight into our lives in every
area, but especially our love lives, especially this area of relationship and connection.
We want to do things the way that heaven does things. And so we're asking you to help us
corporately and individually in Jesus name. Amen. All right. It's important that I just go ahead and
just say that real quick, that the advice that's given here, it may not fit your specific situation.
Okay. There's going to be individual advice that's given to an individual that has a very specific
scenario. And oftentimes we know that person's backstory. We know what they're dealing with.
We know what they're trying to overcome. We might even know some of their heart wounds
and some of their blind spots and filters. So we're giving them specific feedback, but then
we might give general feedback, right? I might give general feedback to the whole group on that
same topic. But just because I'm saying something to one person and you know, that that's not right
for you. It's not right for your situation. It doesn't resonate with you. Then it's not for you.
Is that, is that okay with everyone? It's not for you. It's for that person. And it's okay for you
to say, Hey, you know, that sounds really wise for that person, but that just really doesn't fit my
scenario. This is where we go wrong. Even in church settings, you guys, we go in and there's
a message and we just assume that that message is for everyone. And sometimes it's for a lot of
people because you know, God's going to give that speaker, that teacher, that prophet, that pastor,
a word for that specific group, that spiritual community. And hopefully it resonates with most
people, but sometimes it's just for a couple of people because God's an individual God.
And yes, it sounds great. We listened to it and we're like, yeah, you know, that sounds really
great. You know, I, I went through that a few weeks ago or a month ago, you know, and I really
learned a lot. And I'm so glad that, you know, that's being said right now, but maybe it's not
for you. And this is where confusion comes in. If you hear stuff that causes confusion in your life,
you need to take that to the Lord. You need to put that on your Jesus cares board or write it
in your journal. Don't just immediately beat yourself up because, Oh, I guess I got to do this.
You know, it's causing confusion. It doesn't make sense to me, but I'm going to go do it anyway.
No. All right. This is why it's very important for all of you that have this,
that you don't go scrolling all day long, looking at advice that contradicts itself.
So many of you probably follow a million relationship accounts. Let's just take
relationships. Let's just leave spirituality out of it for a second. You probably follow
a million relationship accounts on Instagram that are all saying something different.
And it's very confusing. This is the one thing that I know, God led you to this program where
we've had over 1600 success stories in four years, he led you to this coaching team.
And guess what? We're tuned into the frequency. I believe this with all my heart that you need
to hear from, but just because it's not happening as fast as you want it to doesn't mean it doesn't
work. It just means there's other things that you need to work on. Okay. Some of you in here,
like I could, I might give someone advice tonight about, Hey, you know, you just need to put
yourself out there. You're hiding. You need to get on a couple apps. You need to do this or that,
but that's not advice for you because you've been working the apps like a job and you've
made the apps your source and not God. So that's not advice for you. You see what I'm saying?
You got to discern your season. You got to know where you are. You got to know what God's saying
to you, which is why we have so many sessions on how does God talk to us? How do we hear from God?
That's why we have supernatural Saturday to try to increase your relationship with God and your
ability to hear him for yourself. Not just through us, not just through anybody else,
but through your own receptors, which we have many of, right? This is, this is what we want to do.
That old adage that says, feed a man, a fish, feed them for a day, teach a man to fish, feed
him for a lifetime. We're teaching you how to hear from God for yourself so that you don't have to
always show up wanting a word, wanting advice. In fact, I'm just going to tell you a little secret
advice is often what people ask for when they know what to do and they just don't want to do it.
More advice is often what people ask for when they already know what they need to do and they just
don't want to do it. Okay. All right. So I don't know where Holy spirit is trying to take us with
all that, but if that's for you, put that shoe on, tie it up and wear it. It's important that we move
forward and that's how you're going to get moving forward. Okay. All right. We're going to jump in
to the love seats, right? I'm looking to see who wants to be in the love seats. And you guys,
there's only like two people that volunteered for love seats. So we might take some volunteers,
but I will tell you that we have a couple topics that have come in that you guys all really have
some questions about. So we can jump into these first, or we can just jump into a love seat with
someone first. Let me look and see who we have for love seats. Is Hannah Haynes here?
Hannah, are you here? Yes, ma'am. I am. All right. She's like, I'm scared of you, Jackie. You're on
a rampage tonight. All right. You're going to be first. Okay. And all right, hold on a second. I
want to spotlight you so everyone can see you. All right. Hi, Hannah. Hello. You live in Texas,
right? Arkansas. Oh, sorry. Okay. All right. You live in Arkansas. All right. Little rock
area. Very like a Northeast corner. I'm a couple of hours from little rock. Okay. All right. So
let's talk about your question. It says you're getting to know a guy brand new. Yes. And via
text and phone calls right now. Okay. What's your, what's your love seat? What's your love seat
question? Oh, goodness. Okay. If I can like read that, it would probably be a lot quicker. Okay.
I wonder if it'll take me off here. If I do that. No, can you still see me?
We can see you. Okay. I'm trying to find my post.
Okay. Hannah wants to read what she was going to ask so that she doesn't get off on any bunny trails.
Yes. Go ahead. You can turn off your camera to read, go whatever you need to do.
Okay. So I posted at what point do you expect a man to
consistently communicate with you on a regular basis. What's healthy and
realistic, not hearing from this man who has consistently talked to my brother
about potentially connecting us all day today. This was yesterday after coming on
pretty strong, not like inappropriate or anything, but just forward, which I do
appreciate and ending. Skip that. It is very reminiscent of the vague playing
games, inconsistent feeling that I got and continued to give grace for a
majority of the time that I dated the last man long distance for over two
years. Is this man long distance? Yes, right now. How long distance is he?
Five hours. Okay, five hours and does he have a car? Yes. Does he have a job? Yes.
Okay. Does he have freedom of time or does he have a W-2 job that he has to
punch into and work long hours? He's a business owner with multiple locations
around Louisiana. Okay, so you guys, I have this on my list of things to talk
about long distance in general, so I'm glad that Hannah, this is your question
because we're gonna talk about your specific scenario, but we're gonna talk
about long distance just in general. Okay, let's talk about the guy you dated for
two years because you still have a trigger there, right? I can't tell
whether or not this guy is, you know, your discernment is kicking in or you're
being triggered because I don't know enough about these other situations,
right? So what made you date someone for two years long distance? What kept you
holding on when you obviously didn't marry that person? Two years long
distance, how long ago did that end? Why did it end and what kept you from ending
it earlier? Can we get that information? Yes, so in December of 2023, so a little
over, I'm getting close to a year and a half, why is it allowed it to continue? Had I had
this knowledge that I learned in this program, I joined at the very end, about a
month before that relationship ended. Had I had this knowledge, I wouldn't have
allowed it to continue. I do really feel like I was strung along with excuses of
why he did not, you know, initiate coming to visit and just moving the
relationship along like he very much said in the beginning that he intended
to. Okay, and so, but he said in the beginning that he intended to, so he was
pretty intentional at the beginning. And then two years, like, what did he do in
order to keep you coming? How did he lead you on? Ladies, you've been created not to
be led on, you've been created to be led, okay, by leader. And so, and to receive. So
if the man's the giver, then you're the receiver. And I don't mean men that, you
know, women should just be taker, taker, takers for me, please don't hear what I'm
saying. But also if a man is leading, and I don't mean that ladies, you know, you're
at home, barefoot and pregnant, unless that's what you want to be. But we do
want to be led in a certain way, how, in the way of, we don't want all the stress
of life on us, we want someone else to bear that burden. And not just us
ourselves. So tell me how in the world did he keep you coming back for more or
not just breaking up with him, if he was intentional at the beginning, and two
years later, nothing still?
So I think that we formed a very strong emotional attachment in the beginning.
There you go. And we did not see each other for I would never do this again. I
want to make that very clear for six months.
You didn't see each other for six months. How often did you talk during that six
months?
Every single day.
Okay, multiple times a day? Yeah. Okay. So just talking, you know, like you're in a
relationship, like, you know, he'll be home at dinnertime, kind of level of
familiarity. You guys, we cannot get ourselves into these situations. We
cannot get ourselves into these situations. We give Wow, so much
distraction tonight. We give really strong guidelines for long distance in
phase two. So all you phase two ladies, we're glad you're here. And they're here
for a reason those guidelines. Now are there exceptions to the rule? Yes, we
have a bride right now, who has been dating her long distance fiance for
three years, because he's in Pakistan, and they have immigration issues. And
she had to fly over there. She's only allowed to stay four days in Pakistan as
an American and marry him. And now she's back here. And they're still trying to
prove to the American government that you know that they're in love and that
they're married and that he can come
There are definitely exceptions to the rule, like Rory and Danny, for instance, both beloved
members of this group. They both were students of mine. They both met in this group, but he was
Canadian and she was American. Still, still is Canadian American. And they met during the COVID
kind of years, right? Where Canada was locked out of the border. And so it was really, really,
really difficult. But now guess what? They're married and live in Knoxville, Tennessee,
but it took a long time. It took three years. So there are exceptions to the long distance rule,
but there's not many exceptions to the long distance rule. Okay. And so when it starts out,
so Hannah's original question is what can I expect from someone at the beginning? Well,
when it's long distance, what you have to expect is that person is going to come and see you as
soon as possible, that it's going to be what they want to do. Okay. You're not forcing them to do
it. And it's okay, ladies, for you to suggest it like, Hey, you know, can we get an in-person,
but what they do with it then is going to be up to them, men, you need to be the person that,
you know, gets, you know, together with your long distance girlfriend or the person that you're
emotionally connecting with. Um, you need to be the person that goes to her if possible. Now,
if there's some kind of circumstance where, you know, he's got a w two, he can't, you know,
he's got to be at work, certain hours, all the things. And the woman is a more of a remote worker.
She's a digital nomad or she's a traveling nurse, or she's got some kind of freedom of time. Then
it's possible that she would go visit him, but only if she knows people in that area,
you guys, these are strangers from the internet. Okay. Now, if this is a friend of the family and
everyone knows them really well, that's a different story. Like her situation, this is a friend of her
brothers or something. Right. Okay. So then you still don't want to stay with them. You never
stay in the same place as them, have them help put you up at a hotel, have them put you up with
friends or family. Make sure that you talk to those people on the phone or on FaceTime beforehand,
so that you know, they know that you're coming. And it also is an environment that you want to
stay in. Okay. If it seems kind of sketch, then you definitely don't want to do that. Especially
if you don't know this person already stay in a hotel. If you don't know them already, don't
stay with their friends or family. Oh, but I've been talking to them solidly for three weeks.
I know them so well. No, you don't. You don't know them at all. You've never met them in person.
Now, if it's someone your family's known for a long time, if your cousin lives down the street,
good, go stay with your cousin. You guys, we can figure out the logistics of this,
but the premise is the same. You have to get in person very quickly. In my opinion,
three weeks or less, you got to get in person. Otherwise you're going to do what Hannah did in
that two year long relationship. You're going to form this crazy, strong, emotional bond with a
fantasy. I know people always say to me, Jackie, how in the world do people get skimmed on dating
apps? I would never give someone $30,000 or $40,000. I would never pay someone's bills or
especially someone I'd never because remember they've never met these people in person.
This is how do not underestimate emotional connection, especially when you're lonely.
Okay. You can dream up anything you want about this person. And there, I promise you just showing
you their best foot forward. Even if they're not a bad person, everyone's just putting their best
foot forward at the beginning, or at least they're trying to, some people can't hide
they're crazy for very long, but you have to get in person quick. So Hannah,
So Hannah, how long you been talking?
Week and a half. Okay. And how, how long, well, does your brother know him?
They have known each other. My brother and sister-in-law has have known this man, including
my sister-in-law's father. They all kind of work in the same industry for several years. I think
my brother told me like three and a half, four years. But are they, are they good friends with
them? Are they friends with them? They just work in the same industry. My brother and this man
talk on an almost daily basis. Okay. And then you have children, right? Yes, ma'am. Can you relocate?
I can. Okay. Fully. You can relocate. They don't have a relationship with their dad.
No. Okay. All right. So guys, that's the other thing. Long distance. These are the things that
you have to get out of the way, right? From the beginning in long distance, specifically in long
distance, if you can't relocate and they can't thank you next, you can't keep talking to this
person. I, you guys, I, it breaks my heart to say this, but I have had people that come to me for
help because they are madly in love with someone that they have been seeing and visiting and
talking to for years, hoping that somehow they're going to be able to relocate and be with them
when they have a shared parenting agreement. And so does that person and they have
small children that are going to take a long, long, long time to grow up. Oh, but we just
believe God's going to make a way somehow. No, you shouldn't have ever gotten yourself
in this situation in the first place. Okay. You shouldn't have. Right. And so we definitely do not
want to get ourselves into situations where, yeah, I understand that you have chemistry with them.
I understand you have a connection with them, but you know what? You can have chemistry and
a connection with so many people, but you're trying to lock this down and it's just not possible.
Right. You're not going to abandon your children. I've seen people abandon their children to go be
with this other person that they're in love with. And we don't want to do that. You guys,
that is not God's will for your life. All right. So you can relocate. So good. We got that out
of the way. He's showing interest. You feel like he's coming on a little too strong.
I mean, you are hot, so that's fair. I wouldn't necessarily say too strong. I will say he has
overshared a little bit. Oh, okay. In a derogatory way or is he honorable about his oversharing?
He has been, you know, with someone for minus the past year. His ex-wife left about a year ago,
but before that they were together about 20 years. So he has not dated for a long period of time.
Yeah. So he's telling you, I don't know what I'm doing. Yes. Okay. And has he dated many people
since she left before talking to you? You're just kind of one of the first ones. Okay. So to answer
your original question, you can't expect anything from this man, except him coming to see you.
That's what you can expect. If he's interested in you, he's going to see you. He's going to make an
effort to see you, or he's going to bring you to him. Since you guys have this family connection,
it sounds like it would be a safe situation. Where's he live? Louisiana, Louisiana. Okay.
I'm writing all this down. So in this case, you guys could meet halfway since he's a known entity,
once again, stay in your own hotels, you guys, not your own hotel rooms in your own hotels.
Okay. Separate hotels. Why? Because we don't know this guy yet. Brother knows him. We don't know
him. All right. You could do that. I would rather for your very first meeting that you either see
him on your turf on his turf with, you know, safety, or you see him on your turf, but that's
what you can expect from him right now is that he would either help make that happen for you to come
or for him to come. And then ladies, I always say it. I'm going to say it again. After a man has
seen the whites of your eyes. Okay. Not over FaceTime. He has been sitting across from you.
He has been spending the weekend with you because it's long distance and you guys have to do these
marathon dates, right? Marathon dates happen on long distance. You do a whole weekend or something.
Um, and after you guys go to your separate places again, then let's see what happens next.
In my opinion, if they're interested in the same chemistry, in the same connection is happening
in person, that was happening virtually that they will be making plans for the next face-to-face
before they leave again, before you guys separate and go your separate ways,
there will already be plans in place. There already be plane tickets bought.
There will already be schedules and calendars, you know, um, done together, right.
And if they're not doing that, if they're like, well, I don't know. And I'm in a real busy season.
And, you know, and ladies, if you say that gentlemen, if ladies say that to you,
this is not just about men, but there are a majority of the people that are here live are
women. So I'm going to direct some of my comments to you. Then guess what? They're not ready.
They're not ready. And you're gonna be wasting your time. That guy that she wasted two years
with, but God's redeeming it now because he's a redeemer of time, right? Nothing's wasted when
we give it to the Lord. Some of you guys just want to say this to you. You have wasted time.
You do, you have it. And the reason why is because you have not given it to the Lord,
give it to the Lord and let God redeem it. All right. He's the one that restores the years.
He's the one that does that. He's the one. Okay. So Hannah can have that time redeemed
and accelerated, but she's got to give that to the Lord. We do that by forgiving that person that
quote unquote, wasted our time, let us on. Okay. Ghosted us after a long time in relationship or,
you know, promises things and broke those promises. We've got to give that to the Lord.
Some of you feel like you wasted your life because you were married to someone and it just didn't get
better and didn't get better. It didn't get better. And now you're divorced. And you're like, Oh my
God, you, you took, you took 20 years of my life. You took 15 years of my life. You took seven and
a half years of my life. You took 35 years of my life. You find out they were living a double life.
They were cheating on you. This and that take that. This is a word from the Lord. Please hear
it. You got to feel it. I feel it in the spirit.
and give it to the Lord and say, God, I need you to redeem this.
I need you to redeem this for me.
All right?
OK, so a lot of coaches out there
will tell you to match people's energy, match their energy.
How interested are they?
Match their energy.
If they don't seem that interested,
then you don't act that interested.
You guys, that's called playing games.
We don't match energy, but you know what we do match?
We match preparation.
That first man, he just wasn't prepared.
He wasn't ready for a relationship.
If you're ready for a relationship,
then don't talk to people who are not
ready for a relationship.
If by the second or third conversation
or the second or third visit, they're saying things like,
well, you know, it's a real busy season of my life,
and I don't know if I have time today.
Why are you on the app then, sir, ma'am?
Why are you here?
You know what this is, right?
We're over 30.
This is a dating for mating app, and if you're not
ready for this, then you shouldn't be here.
OK?
The hookup app's over here on Tinder,
if that's what you're looking for.
And oftentimes, that's what they're telling you.
I don't want a relationship, but when I feel like not being
alone, I want to be able to call you and hang out with you
or be in your presence or whatever.
All right, I'm a little feisty tonight, y'all.
I didn't know what.
Maybe it's because my grandbabies were here,
and they're feisty.
My grandbabies are feisty.
I have never been told no, no, Nona,
by two-and-a-half-year-old twins as much
as I did in the last week.
But here we go.
All right, Hannah, so question answered?
I think so, yes.
What you can expect from him is that he shows initiative
to see you in person, OK, within what you guys have been
talking for a week and a half.
By three weeks, if he hasn't brought up seeing in person,
you bring it up, OK?
And if he starts, remember, got to pace yourself.
If he starts getting too like, oh, I just
I miss you when I don't talk to you.
Oh, when are you going to see me in person?
As soon as people start getting emotionally
involved at that level.
And you guys, it's possible to emotionally connect
with someone virtually very easily if you have chemistry.
But remember that chemistry might not
be the same in person.
It doesn't make them a love bomber.
It just means they are feeling you, OK?
They enjoy you.
They can't wait for their phone to ring
or for the text message to come through.
They can't wait to see you on FaceTime.
They're so excited.
They're giddy, like a school kid.
There's nothing wrong with that.
But it's got to be backed up with intention.
We can't just do that forever, OK?
So by three weeks, you bring it up.
If he hasn't, hopefully he will.
We want to see him bringing it up, all right?
And if he says, oh, I'm too busy for that right now
in person, then see you, bye, OK?
Cool.
Thank you.
Is that good?
See you, bye.
Raise your hand.
Doesn't matter, man or woman.
If you ever allowed someone to just kind of string you
along for too long, not just long distance,
but just in general, you were matching their energy.
They were all in.
It seemed like you were all in too.
But they just never took it to the next level.
And they were always making excuses,
always making excuses, always making excuses.
Lauren, would you say three weeks as well
for flying to see someone?
Yeah, you know why?
Because long distance is expensive.
And if they don't have freedom of time
and they don't have money, then they
shouldn't date long distance.
Set those apps to local if you don't have money to travel.
I know that sounds harsh, you guys,
but I've seen way too many people
get their heart broke long distance, way, way, way
too many people, OK?
What if they can't afford to travel now to see you
and can't afford it?
Dawn, I just answered that, right?
I think that you posted that before I said that.
And so I'm going to say it again.
If they don't have money to travel,
then they are not prepared to be in a long distance relationship.
They need to stay local.
Now, you guys, once again, these are guidelines.
There's always an exception to the rule out there, OK?
But please, please don't be making excuses for someone
who's just not that into you, OK?
Please, please don't do that.
Well, there's probably someone right in front of your face,
that's 5' 9", that you're not paying any attention to.
Because you're talking to Mr. 6' 2", long distance, who just
literally is never going to show up, right?
I always have to put it.
And you can fill in the blank.
If it's not high.
for you. It's something it's something I've just seen it all. I've seen it all. You guys. Okay.
Let me see the next person in the love seat. Hopefully we're having fun. If I'm offending you,
then I'm probably talking to you. If you're being offended because I'm not trying to offend anyone.
I'm not talking to anyone in particular, except Hannah just now. Um, but sometimes, you know,
you should know. I love you by now. I told one of my coaches this today about her kids. I was like,
do your kids know you love them? Yes. Then tell them the truth. Hopefully 14, 15 hours a day for
the last almost five years of me serving the singles community. When I'm married y'all,
I could just go on my merry way, but I do it because I love it. I was thinking about this
today. I love it. I love seeing you guys get breakthrough in every area of your life.
I love seeing you thrive. The church has ignored you for so many years and God's like, I,
I haven't forgotten them, Jackie. I want to see them fulfilled. And I put this desire in their
heart. And so don't feel sorry for me. Those 15 hours a day. I have done it willingly, but you
should know, I love you. And so I'm going to tell you the truth. Okay. These sessions are about
telling you the truth. Cause I don't want to see you. I don't want to see you showing up a couple
of months from now, wishing that I had told you the truth and you did not, you know, go round and
round in circles. Okay. All right, Hannah, that was perfect because that was one of the topics we
had to cover. So let's take a look. And if you guys have any other questions about long distance,
go ahead and put that in there in the chat and I'll grab it or Bethany or Ebony or Carla,
cause all your dating coaches are here tonight. They can grab it.
All right. Let's see. Shelley Williams. Are you here?
Yes, I'm here. Okay. So I got, these are my notes. So Shelley has been in a less she's in a level
three. For those of you that are new to the levels, that means exclusive. They're only seeing
each other. That means that they're working towards what it could look like to get married to each
other. Five and a half months is how long they've been dating. They've been level three for about two
to three of those months. They met online in October. He lives in Denver and that's only about
an hour, hour and a half from Shelley. And they see each other approximately, approximately once
a week. Okay. What's your question, Shelley? All right. So I popped in around new year's to ask
you a quick question about something related to annoyance. It was very helpful for me. It was
sort of like stay the course, just see how things go. And I am navigating some back and forth
internally with him there. I would say there's not a lot of chemistry, but there are some really
good things. It's probably one of the healthier relationships I've been in. We're quite different,
which is one of the things that I, I mean, some of this is doing hard work for me to like work
through. And some of it is like a question of like compatibility. But I will say in the slight
pendulum swing, sometimes I'm feeling really comfortable around him and good about things.
And then sometimes thing I'm feeling quite like annoyed or stressed. And and it's been a little
bit tiring to like go back and forth when I've been feeling quite like annoyed or stressed,
the temptation has been just to end it. And I have not. So I feel like there's like a real victory
of just not cutting and running and really sitting with things and being patient. So I feel like
there's been a lot of wins so far. I guess one of my questions isn't, I can go into a greater
detail about what I'm talking about with annoyance, but I think one of my questions is, can I, is it
realistic to hope for like a stable space? I know that in terms of just always feeling,
feeling less, feeling less back and forth, I guess. And I can tease it out a little bit more
I just have one question. I'll let you tease it out. I have just one question just already. And
that is, you know, I live in Austin, Texas and, you know, going anywhere for me because of the
traffic here, it's becoming a lot like LA is an hour or more. You guys only live an hour and a
half an hour to an hour and a half away from each other. Why do you only see each other once a week?
Oh, that's a great question. I mean, I guess we could, it probably would be helpful for us to see
each other more often. And we could, I am, I have more flexibility than he does. I'm actually,
I just moved to Colorado. So there's been a lot of change in my life, but it's been good. I actually
moved to Colorado in October and then met him shortly after I'm in Colorado Springs. So I'm
just South and I have a great community here and I'm actually taking time off of work. It's like
a sabbatical for me. So I've had more energy to process things. I think that if you saw each other
more, a lot of these questions would get answered or you'd break up. Okay. This is good. This is
helpful for me to, yeah. So I think that when we, when we see each other once a week in person,
but we have the ability to see each other more, it's one thing if you can't, if you're long, long,
long, long,
Right.
Um, but if you're able to see each other and just go out, you know, a couple of times a
week and hang out and spend time together, you're either going to grow on each other
and these things are just going to resolve themselves, or you're going to see that, you
know what?
We're just not a match.
Okay.
That's really helpful.
Yeah.
Just so you know about annoyances and she can share if she wants to, but we had, um,
I had a student bless her heart.
I love her so much, but she came in here, um, a lot of times when we are really annoyed
by something about someone, it's a lot of times it's because we're scared.
And now we've come into like an avoidant attachment type of place where we're now we're picking
at them.
Okay.
Especially if it's not something serious, if it's just like a preference, like, Oh,
I don't like that.
I don't prefer that.
Or Ooh, Ooh, that's, we call it the ick.
They give you the ick about something.
So one of my students, she booked a one-on-one with me.
This was a couple of years ago because actually, yeah, about two years ago, she booked a one-on-one
with me because she was dating a guy from this community and she really liked him.
They were local.
They saw each other frequently.
He was great in all these ways, but his laugh gave her the ick.
Like when he laughed, he had kind of alert, nervous kind of laugh.
And when he laughed, like she was like, Oh no, no, no.
And he did it like often.
And she said her kids even pointed it out.
And so she was about to break up with him.
We were having a one-on-one and she was about to tell him they had this big, like weekend,
you know, trip planned with the family, with the kids, because, you know, they were doing
life together.
They'd been dating for a while.
And she said, Oh, you know, I think I'm gonna break up with him.
I was like, well, wait, didn't you already promise to do this thing?
And she was like, yeah.
I was like, well, why don't we, why don't we pray into it?
See if this is just you being avoidant or if this is like really not ideal breaker.
And, and just sort of other little personality quirks and eccentricities that were getting
on her nerves.
And they went on that, you know, that family trip, they went to wherever they were going,
some sort of hiking situation, I think.
And then they're getting married like in a couple of weeks and they're madly in love.
And I always just kind of privately razz her about that.
Oh, so that laugh grew on you, huh?
What's going on with that?
You know, kind of, because you guys, I have heard it all.
I've heard people break up for the most ridiculous things.
And a lot of times we're just, you know, we have the ick because we're afraid and it's
something that, you know, it's not a deal breaker.
It's not a non-negotiable.
You just need to spend more time together in order to get past it.
So do you want to tell us what the annoyance is?
That's really helpful.
Yeah, sure.
It's kind of similar.
No, it's kind of similar.
I mean, for one, he has a really distinctive voice, so that's part of it.
And I, and sometimes it does rub me the wrong way, particularly in sometimes in group settings.
And he's, okay, this is, it's like kind of endearing, but he's like an engineer.
I'm more of an artist type and he's an engineer, he's an aerospace engineer.
And so he's kind of like quirky and nerdy, honestly, sometimes.
And I knew this from the beginning.
And part of that is like, can be endearing and part of it can be really like, whoa.
But we're just like, we approach things very differently, like very differently.
So I haven't dated somebody like this before.
So in some ways it's like just getting me out of my norm and it's trying something different.
Okay.
So I love it.
You guys, Holy Spirit's just lining this up.
Cause this literally is like the second thing on my list to talk about just with the group
and now your situation is bringing it up.
So I'm like, okay, we're, we're tracking here.
So when I first met David, you know, and I was hanging out with him, like when he was
just my friend, I didn't notice anything about him.
I was, you know, cringy or icky, but then when we upped the ante to romantic relationship,
one thing that he did that he actually did today in the car, and he hasn't done in a
long time.
One of the things he did is he, he said Jiminy Christmas.
And I was like, what Jiminy Christmas.
I know that sounds really stupid, but I went home that night from like whatever we were
doing together when we were dating.
And I, I rethought the relationship.
I was like, ew, what is that?
What is that Jiminy Christmas?
Like heaven's demergatory.
Like, what is this?
And so, I mean, we can really get very picky and goofy.
And so this is what, right.
So she's talking about being opposites.
So how do we tell if we're polar opposites?
This is my thing that I wanted to talk to you guys about versus complimentary opposites.
There's one way of knowing that.
Okay.
They're both opposite.
The way that we will go from being polar opposite to complimentary opposite is that you see
the other person's way of.
doing that thing that's different than yours as an asset.
9649 Shadowstone.
Dang it.
You see it as an asset and not a liability, right?
Polar opposite people,
polar opposite people oftentimes like,
my way's right, your way's wrong.
But complimentary opposite,
the way that you go into being a complimentary opposite
is like, oh yeah, you know,
you're really definitely peanut butter
and I'm definitely jelly.
But you know what?
I bet we taste good together, you know?
That is what you have to be willing to see.
And you have to be kind of a more of an open-minded person.
A lot of times polar opposites,
they attract, but they don't cohabitate.
And the reason why they don't cohabitate
is because one or both of them are arrogant
in the way that they are thinking that it's the better way.
And they don't respect and value
and honor the other person.
So this is what I wrote down for you guys.
And this is gonna be very important in marriage.
All right, David and I are very different.
Very, very different.
We could be definitely polar opposite
except we're complimentary opposite
because we have decided to value each other.
So here's the thing.
Guys, you have to mute yourselves when you come in.
Have to do it.
All right, so here's what I wrote down.
If you're not the cheerleader or fan of yourself,
because this is where judgment
towards other people is gonna come from.
If you're rigid, okay, and you're a perfectionist
and you're not a big cheerleader or fan of yourself,
if you really don't love yourself,
you're gonna have a hard time accepting someone else
in their natural form as well.
And so this is what I wrote down.
If you're not the cheerleader or fan of yourself,
then you're not going to be a cheerleader
or a fan of your partner.
And that will be the demise of your relationship.
Because if you don't have kind words and honor for them
or about them to others, the relationship will end.
You guys, we are not meant to be the same.
Otherwise God would have made just a bunch of clones.
We are meant to be different.
And let me tell you one thing.
If you're stranded on a desert island,
you don't want someone who thinks just like you
because guess what?
You're already you.
You don't need another you.
You need someone who thinks differently
so that y'all can make a plan and be a team
and get off the island, right?
That is oftentimes how marriage is.
In a crisis, you don't want someone
who thinks just like you.
You want someone who thinks differently than you do.
In the good times and the bad times, we want different.
We don't want the same.
It's great to have the really major things in common,
meaning faith.
In fact, I have that written down too.
So let's just segue into that.
I want to talk to you guys just a second about equal yoking.
Let's just dig a little bit deeper real quickly
because so many of you are caught up on that.
You don't even understand what that means.
It's a very religious thing to say,
especially because a lot of people
don't understand the greater meaning,
the greater historical and cultural meaning of that.
Because remember, we're talking about Jews here, okay?
We're talking about Jewish people.
And so the rabbis, because Jewish people,
Judaism had teachers and rabbis.
And you guys, it took a long time to become a rabbi.
There was discipleship and there was all kinds
of different things involved to become a teacher.
And that's why Jesus was considered a rabbi, okay?
And that's why they were like, who was his teacher?
Where did he even learn this from?
Who did he mentor under?
Who did he apprentice under, right?
They couldn't figure it out.
So the rabbis had a set of teachings.
And just like Jesus,
I think we think that Jesus is the only one who did this,
but rabbis, you guys, their followers would follow them.
Just like Jesus's followers would follow him.
If this was your rabbi, you would follow them.
You would follow them around and you would serve them.
And if you were apprenticing under them,
you would be their apprentice.
But you would sit and you would learn of them,
not in a classroom, in the classroom of life, you guys.
In the classroom of life,
you would follow your rabbi around.
And your rabbi would not just tell you
about God and the Torah,
but they would all speak in parables,
not just Jesus, you guys.
And they were like, oh, and Jesus taught differently
than in the synagogues.
You guys know, all of the rabbis taught
in like most of the rabbis taught
in everyday life situations,
comparing scripture and paralleling things.
And that was your rabbi.
That was your teacher.
That was your guru.
We would say that in, you know, modern vernacular.
And so when the scripture says,
do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers,
what it's saying there is, who is your rabbi?
That set of teachings that the rabbis had,
they were called yokes.
They were called yokes, you guys.
The set of teachings,
every rabbi had a different set of teachings.
This rabbi was known for this.
This rabbi was known for that.
That's why when the Pharisees...
He's trying to trip Jesus up when they were asking him
about divorce and remarriage in eternal life.
They were basically asking him,
do you believe what this rabbi teaches?
Or do you believe what this rabbi teaches?
They were referencing a yoke of two different rabbis
and two different sets of teaching
about divorce and remarriage.
And Jesus sided with one of those things and not the other.
And by the way, the one that he sided with was,
you know, if you break the covenant,
then you can be divorced.
That's not just infidelity.
If you break the covenant, which includes abuse,
mental, emotional, physical, which includes abandonment,
that's what he sided with when he made that answer,
when he answered that question.
So it's about a set of teachings.
It's about who are you following
and how are you living your life?
And so friends, when you are picking a person
to spend the rest of your life with,
you have to ask the question, well, who's their rabbi?
Who's their rabbi?
What yoke are they under?
And I know that we're like,
oh, well that means that we just need
to marry other Christians.
No friends.
There's a lot of other people that say Jesus is a rabbi,
but they're under the law.
They're following after a whole bunch of strict rules
and regulations from the Old Testament.
They're living under the law.
They're living a hard life instead of the grace life
that Jesus died to give them.
And guess what?
If you get in the yoke with them,
you're gonna be yoked with them and their rabbi,
which is legalism.
I did that in my first marriage.
I don't recommend it.
Okay.
Yes.
His yoke is easy and his burden is light.
Boom, mic drop.
So friends, we need to really pay attention
to who is this person's rabbi?
Who are they?
What yoke are they under?
What yoke are they?
What teachings have they applied to their life?
That's values.
That's all the things, right?
Can people grow and learn?
Sometimes people aren't really fully sure,
you know, what they're following after
because they're deconstructing and reconstructing
their faith.
And that's great.
And I think we should all do that.
All right.
That's very, very important.
All right.
Bump, bump, bump, bump.
All right.
I think that I might have a third loveseater.
Let me see.
Somebody named Melissa just mentioned
that they might wanna get in the loveseat.
Are you here, Melissa?
Yeah, that was me.
Okay, perfect.
Hi.
I'm in a level three relationship.
We just, it's just hit three months.
So, and the person is local.
We, of course, get along really well.
So I was wanting to get to know him better
in pursuit of marriage.
I've just had a block recently.
So I'm not sure what had happened
because I was very excited about everything.
I made a list of all the things I liked about him.
And then it was actually a week ago,
a week ago Tuesday,
I started to feel the ick, like you're saying.
And I do have an avoidant attachment
when I took the quiz.
My ex-husband, I was married to for 17 years
and it was an abusive relationship.
But the guy I'm currently seeing,
he doesn't have any of those characteristics.
So I don't know why I would be pulling away
or worried about it.
Did you say that you're a level three?
Yeah.
And who initiated that?
He did.
Okay, and how far into the relationship
did he initiate it?
Well, he actually asked me the first time
when we were only together for two weeks
and I said, no, I didn't know him well enough.
And then when it got close to two months,
he asked me again and I had agreed.
Okay, he asked you what,
will you be my girlfriend or?
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
And how often do you see each other?
Right now we see each other about three
to four times a week.
Okay, all right.
And he has marriage minded.
He's talking about that.
He asked me how long that I felt was appropriate
for us to be dating before engagement.
And I said, at least six months, maybe longer.
Okay, have you had the sex talk yet?
Yes.
Is that what's driving his hurry?
His hurriedness?
I know that his ex-wife,
he told me that they weren't together
that long before they got married.
So I don't know that that's what's driving it.
Okay, so you took the quiz.
If you were going to guess his attachment style,
would you say that it's secure or anxious?
I'd say he's a little anxious, but not to the point, but also secure.
The reason why I say that is because my last relationship, of course, he was very anxious.
This guy doesn't text me constantly if I don't respond.
He's very mature, um, about it.
He doesn't call me constantly if I'm not answering, you know, he's always respectful with the
boundaries.
So I, but I, he did tell me that when he knows what he wants, he goes after it and that he
sees all the qualities in a wife and me.
That's definitely more of a secure attacher.
And so, um, how long has he been divorced?
He's been divorced for four years, probably four and a half now.
Any kids?
Yes.
He has four sons.
They're all adults.
Okay.
And what was the ick?
You willing to tell us what it is?
Well, I just, I just know, um, part of it is intimacy.
I mean, he's not trying to sleep with me, but just even her long kissing and so forth.
It just gets me really stressed out.
And I guess the fact that also that he's talking about getting engaged and planning on getting
engaged, he's counting down basically for the six months like that he's, it bothers
me.
Who's it, who's initiating this intimacy, this prolonged kissing making out?
I mean, I would say that would be him.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right.
Have you told him, have you communicated to him that you don't want to be kissing like
that?
Yeah, I, I have.
And then what does he say?
He says that that's, he'll say that's fine, that he's okay with, with that.
Okay.
But it seems to kind of linger back.
I don't have to have the conversation again.
So I feel like a mom kind of being like, no, no, remember I said this.
So you know.
Okay.
So are you not physically attracted to him?
No, I am.
Yeah.
Okay.
You are.
You just feel like that's just going a little too far.
Yeah.
I just told him that I just don't see how that would be sustainable for, for six months.
And then also after that for marriage, because that's very, it's important to me.
So you guys, I have to say this cause it's so funny, but you know, I'll never use anyone.
Don't be afraid to come onto like any kind of private coaching with me.
Cause I would never say anyone's names, but just recently this is, this is probably the
best line I've ever heard, but it was like, okay, I will.
I respect, you know, during make-out session, I respect, you know, that you want to wait
until we're married, you know, but can we make out naked?
What?
Yeah, no, there's nothing like that, but it makes me laugh because it's just like, how
is that?
Cause you said it's not sustainable.
And that is the thing that would never be sustainable.
It's like, well, can't we just, can we just be naked when we make out what?
Okay.
I thought it was funny.
I was pretty clear that I wanted my, that I wanted there to be a lot to the imagination
that'd be left for the wedding night, that when I'm saying no sex, it's not meaning that
everything else can happen besides that, that I want it to be a very special time on my
wedding night.
And he agreed with me, but he also said that he's trying to work out how to get from today
to then because after being married and being with someone when he, that he cared about,
he's not sure how that works.
I mean, he's just being honest.
No, that's fair.
Okay.
So we're not going to think that he's just with you and rushing to the altar just to
have sex.
Okay.
We're going to give him the benefit of the doubt, but here's to all of you, including
Melissa.
Okay.
That want it to be special.
Okay.
Want it to be special and perfect.
You know, some of you are still versions haven't even had sex yet.
Um, for those of you that are not, you haven't had sex in a really long time.
Um, first of all, get on some hormones.
Okay.
Go check that out.
There's lots of bio-identical options.
Um, ladies, there's, uh, options for, you know, just estrogen suppositories, you guys,
you have to prepare for this physically, please listen to me.
I'm 50 years old.
I know what I'm talking about, right?
Because your, your, your accessories don't work the way that they once did.
And for those of you that have never even used them and don't even know what I'm talking
about, um, you need to get with someone who does know and can help you with this.
All right.
And then secondly, the other thing that I want to tell you is that the way that we feel
safe when we are physically intimate with someone is when we know that we can trust
them and we can communicate with them and that they listen to us and they honor us
and respect us.
And so Melissa, that's where this has to start right now is because you said it.
And the ick is this.
You said it yourself.
I wrote it down.
I'm tired of feeling like his mother.
Okay.
So you're telling him something and he is not respecting that boundary.
He's.
still doing what he wants to do.
All right.
And so now you're kind of nagging him almost, you feel like a mother and gentlemen, no one
wants to sleep with their mother, hopefully not in this group at least.
So we want to be lovers, ladies, not mothers.
So two things you need to tell him again, you need to say, and you can use those words
if you want to look, I don't want to feel like your mother.
I want to feel like, you know, we're going to be lovers.
But I don't want to go any further than this.
I feel like it's not sustainable.
I feel like it's a slippery slope, however you want to word it.
And so I would like for us to really put some boundaries up of, first of all, you're not
doing this in public.
You're doing this at your house, someone's house, you're doing it in private somewhere.
So if it's not sustainable for you to hang out in private, because it escalates to this
laying on the couch, watching movies together, then don't do that anymore.
Yeah.
Actually, we haven't been in each other's houses.
It's just, it's just in the vehicle.
Oh no.
What are we in high school now?
What are we doing?
No.
Right.
That's what, that's how I feel about that too.
So, and I'll be honest, I haven't verbalized everything as I should.
I've been praying since last Tuesday for help with the Holy spirit, with the right wording
to, to go into this conversation because what you said, that is how I feel about that.
So listen, he's either going to respect that boundary or he's not.
And if he doesn't, then he was, you know, interested more in the physical aspects of
the relationship than getting to know you emotionally and spiritually.
Yeah.
Cause I had said that that's one of the reasons why I won't even have him come into the house
because I don't feel that it would be a good idea because of the, of what we're talking
about.
So I mean, not, I mean,
you guys have been dating for, what'd you say?
Three months.
Yeah.
And he's never been in your house.
No.
I think there's a bigger problem here.
I mean, yeah, I can understand.
You don't want to come in at nighttime after a long day when all you're going to do is
just lay around on the couch together, but he's never seen your house.
Not even when he comes to pick you up, just come in the door and just be in your house
for a minute.
He's been in the doorway when he got me the flowers, but I've never invited him to come
in now.
Okay.
Well, we need to dig deeper into that.
Why you don't want him to come in you, but you're in a exclusive relationship with him
for three months.
Guys are adult people.
Why you don't even want him to come in your house.
I mean, you're not going to say yes to getting engaged in three months.
If he can't even come in your house and you haven't gone in his house either.
And then also you need to let him know to slow down.
You're not ready to be engaged in six months.
You know, you obviously aren't, you have it.
You don't even feel comfortable enough with this person to invite them in your house.
Well, one of the reasons why I wasn't having him in the house was because in some of the
videos that I listened to, I felt like it was advising not to do that at this point.
So I was just kind of going slow and a lot of our dates we've actually went out of town
for them.
I mean, they've been the same day dates, but we've been doing a lot of activities and things
like that.
So I was trying to get to the point I was planning on the next week or so of having
to the house, but I need to have this conversation first.
Yeah.
You definitely need to, you know, be able to have your boyfriend that you're an exclusive
relationship with over to your house, have dinner together and make dinner together.
You need to be able to do that.
If you don't feel like, you know, you can control yourself or he can control himself
in your house.
And there's just a bigger conversation.
It's either a exaggerated fear on your part that we need to get you healed from, or you
just get a vibe from him.
That's not trustworthy.
And either, either of those things we would need to address.
Okay.
Cool.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm worried.
I'm more concerned that it has something to do with myself because actually I do feel
safer with him than I've felt with anybody else I've ever dated before, including my
ex-husband.
Okay.
Well, you guys, I tell all of you this, and Melissa is a perfect example of this.
Nothing is going to bring unhealed stuff to the surface faster than, you know, intimate
relationship, faster than exclusive relationship.
It's going to bring it to the surface really fast.
And so it's bringing it to the surface and we're just going to address it.
Okay.
Are you in level two or three?
Three.
Okay.
So make sure that you're checking in.
I want to see you in there checking in, letting us know, did you baby steps?
Did you invite him over for dinner?
You know, did you make dinner for him?
You know, go see his apartment.
Like if this man's a hoarder, you need to know that y'all, you need to know, you don't
know a person until you've been in their living space.
And then you're like, Oh, well, I don't know about those.
They live like a college student.
They might just have like a box that they like as a coffee table and like a, like a
lawn chair.
Yeah.
I mean, I've actually been to his son's house.
That might sound weird, but.
I've been there with his, with his sons, but not because you haven't been to his house
and that's where your block is.
So once again, go during the daytime.
Okay.
Don't lay around on the couch.
You're going to be fine.
It's going to be good, but let's take a step forward of seeing what that's about.
See how you feel and check in with us.
Okay.
Thank you.
Thank you guys.
This brings up a whole nother topic that I have here and that is dating safety.
Now she knows this guy, she's met his kids, you know, she's been going out with him exclusively
for three months.
And so, all right, but some of you are going way too fast with strangers.
Okay.
We need to keep dates with people that nobody else knows them except for us, meaning that
you don't know anyone that knows them.
They're not known in your community.
They're not in your circle.
You met them on the internet, on a dating app, or you met them somewhere.
They asked you out at a grocery store, whatever.
They're a stranger to you.
You need to keep your dates during the day and in public places.
Okay.
No nighttime dates, no cocktail dates, no drinking, no drinking on these dates with
these people that you don't know.
Oh, I went out with him once and he was great.
So what?
That was one time.
You don't know this person.
Daytime dates.
And I really hate to even have to say this, you guys, but somebody that I know went on
a date with someone from the internet and it did not end well.
She's alive, but it wasn't good.
Okay.
And so without getting into details, daytime dates, public places.
All right.
And as you're getting to know someone, let's get to know who they know.
If you're really, really, you know, just connecting with this person, you feel like you've known
them all your life.
You want to get to know them better.
It's really exciting and fun.
I'm trying to give you the right amount of soberness about this without creating fear.
I'm not trying to create fear, but some people are doing dumb stuff.
They're going out at nighttime.
They're going back to people's houses with them because they had so much fun to go back
and hang out and watch movies or TV.
You don't know this person.
They're letting them pick them up in their car.
No, you drive your own car.
You meet them there.
You tell other people where you're going.
You put some people, you guys, you know, there's an app called find my friends.
Keep your location on.
Let other people know where you are right this year, 2025, unfortunately, we have to
say this.
I believe you're God defended.
Also, if, if your gut is telling you that something's off, then listen to your gut.
We'll sort it out later.
Some of you are like, you know, you have filters on and you're just all stranger danger and
all the things.
Okay.
Remember this coaching is for the, who the coaching is for some of you, you need a whole
different set of coaching right now.
Okay.
Because you're always in stranger danger and you don't trust anyone.
Okay.
But the rest of us, we can trust our intuition because we've done our hard work.
And so we need to make sure that we are paying attention.
I just lost you guys.
We need to make sure that we're paying attention when our gut is telling us that something
doesn't add up, right?
What the heck happened here?
What is this?
Hold on.
The it department's helping me.
Hey, Dave, see complimentary opposites, beauty and the geek.
All right.
Not going to tell you which one is which.
Okay.
So Clayton's like, I still see you.
Okay.
But I didn't see you Clayton.
All right.
So, um, you guys be careful daytime dates in person and then get to know his people.
Make sure he's who he says he is.
Okay.
By the third or fourth day, let's be doing something with friends.
Let's hang out with friends, introduce him to your friends because your friends are going
to see them in a different way than you do.
Introduce him to your friends.
Raise your hand.
If you have like a bestie, a couple that you're friends with, um, just someone that you're
really good friends with.
All right.
Do something fun.
It's summertime.
Do something fun together.
Go to an outdoor concert, listen to some music together, invite him or her gentlemen.
This goes for you as well.
And I know gentlemen, you're like, well, this is a really applied to us because you know,
we're not scared of a woman doing something nefarious to us.
No, but she might seduce you.
I've heard from plenty of my guys that, you know, they met some stranger that they didn't
know.
And there was attraction there.
And then the next thing they know they're doing things that they had no intention of
doing because, you know, there was alcohol involved and now she's seducing and manipulating
and trying to get them to do things.
I've heard this story before.
Lots of times actually.
Okay, so bottom line is,
is that we wanna make sure that we're being safe.
All right, does anyone have any questions about safety?
We have about 15 minutes left of love seats.
Does anyone have any questions about anything
that we've talked about or,
and if you do have a question,
let's keep it less than 60 seconds long.
You can unmute yourself if you, okay, go ahead.
Thomas was hoping to get
into the love seat tonight as well.
Okay, all right, Thomas, you can.
Hey, do you hear me?
Yep.
Good to see you again.
Good, you might wanna turn down your volume just a tad.
Turn it down?
You're a little hot, yeah.
How's that?
Is that better?
I mean, you just talk softly
cause you're just a little bit hot.
Your audio is hot.
It's a little, it's loud.
Your mic.
Okay.
Okay, hi.
Okay, that volume good, hi.
It sounds like he has his TV on or something.
That's okay, you guys.
He's somewhere, he's in public somewhere.
Okay, go ahead.
That's correct.
So Jackie, I wanted to follow up
and the basic question I have is,
I had the heart check-in with the woman
that I was telling you about
and the way it ended was.
Just so you know, I read your entire thing.
Yeah, okay.
Okay.
And basically since then,
we actually didn't have a conclusion on the heart check-in
so I never actually invited her to come back here again.
Okay, I think that was wise.
But what I wanna do now is finish the heart check-in, right?
It's been a lot slower communication lately and...
I'm not sure what's going on
and I don't think she knows what's going on.
And I think that the best thing to do is actually,
I'd like to go play an away game
and go down there and visit her
and be in her scene
and be able to interact with her and her friends.
And I think that would be a good thing to do.
How often is she talking to you
since you kind of told her,
when you just put yourself out there?
How often have you talking together?
Yeah, so basically that...
You can suppress the noise in the background.
Do you know how to do that?
No, how do I do that?
Are you on your laptop?
Yeah.
What?
It's in your settings.
I'm just trying to think of where it is in the settings.
Settings.
You see it?
Background.
Audio.
I'm not seeing how to do that.
Zoom background noise removal, does that work?
Yeah.
Does that sound better?
Yeah.
All right, awesome.
So basically, yeah.
So basically, I just want to be like,
hey, what's like, we have this phrase, LCN, right?
Like keep it a hundred.
Like, hey, let's have an LCN conversation
and like see what's going on.
And by the way, can I come back to Texas and hang out?
And that's what I'm trying to do.
And just wanted to get your sense on the best way to do it.
Because the way that,
like the way the initial heart check-in ended.
Did you hear my question about
how often have you guys talked since then?
I know that you shared the heart workbook.
You suggested you guys were together.
How often has she been talking to you?
When you reach out to her,
how long is it taking her to respond?
Are her responses short?
What, tell me about that.
So some of it has been,
we actually like took,
like we actually didn't talk for a few days after that.
And part of that was because I told her,
hey, I'm going on this retreat
and you know, I'm not going to be as available as normal.
And then after that, sent some texts, you know,
hey, I was thinking of you, praying for you,
sent some pictures, you know, and she hearted them.
And then, you know, she texted back to me
and then we tried to connect via phone.
I missed her and then she missed me.
And then we weren't able to get back on the phone.
And then I actually sent her,
I thought it was a Holy Spirit thing.
I sent her some flowers
and she ended up thanking me for them.
And, oh, you know, they're so beautiful.
And, you know, thank you so much for a thoughtful gift.
And, you know, we exchanged some audio notes,
but we actually haven't talked actually since then.
And again, the way that ended is like when I brought it up,
it was like, you could see the emotional pinball
going on inside of her.
And so we, like, it's almost like clarity on,
Like, are we dating still?
Are we getting to know each other's friends?
Like what's going on?
Because she did express,
hey, I really want to continue to get to know you.
And I did too.
And so in terms of, yeah,
just getting clarity on the situation.
I think it's fine for you.
The enough time has gone past from that conversation
for you to just have an update conversation,
just a heart check in, like you said,
and just say, hey, where are you at?
This is where I'm at.
I want to continue to get to know you.
It's easy, you know, is that,
because remember the last conversation
you were giving her an out of whether or not,
you know, she wanted to get to know you or not.
And gentlemen, the reason why Thomas decided to do that,
you know, after, you know,
some counsel and coaching with me
is because a lot of times women are just being very polite.
You know, a lot of times people have been raised
to be like nice Christian people and polite.
And if they think you're a great guy,
but they're just not that into you,
this could linger on forever.
Okay, where you're really just being friend zoned
and you don't know it.
And so, you know, what he did is, you know, he said,
hey, I'm enjoying getting to know you.
I would like to, you know, get to know you better,
but you know, if you don't want to get to know me better,
cause they've been talking for a minute now,
then I'm basically giving you an out.
And also it's long distance, right?
How long distance is it?
She's in Texas, in Dallas.
But where are you?
Rhode Island.
Okay, it's a very long distance,
but you guys that in and of itself could be her hesitation.
And so, yes, she's had time to think about it.
I think without being pushy, you can just be like,
and I like that you guys have a code word of,
hey, a hundred percent.
Yeah, they kind of have a code word in Spanish of like,
it means just keep it a hundred percent,
meaning like real talk.
Like we're not, we're not going to pretend here.
This is, you know, you're allowed to just speak your truth.
And I think that you can go ahead and do that.
So when are you going to do that?
You can just call her up and just ask her, hey.
Yeah, I think that you should do it,
like at least voice or FaceTime if you can.
I don't think you should do that for a text message, no.
But like even to set up the conversation,
it'd just be a call.
Yeah, no, I mean, I would pin her down.
I would text her and just be like,
hey, we haven't actually talked for a minute.
You know, do you, do you have time?
Like if she doesn't make time to talk to you,
you have your answer.
Yeah.
If she doesn't make time to talk to you,
you already have your answer.
But if she does make time to talk to you,
then you can ask her that.
No pressure that it has to go anywhere,
but I want to come and visit you.
I'm going to see you again in person.
Cause you only seen each other in person once, right?
Exactly, yeah.
Okay.
So see if she'll allow that to happen.
You're willing to go to her and let's see where it goes.
Yeah, do it.
So you think set it up via text just to be like,
hey, you got time to have an LCM?
Yeah.
Yeah, because you guys talk.
I mean, you guys have talked and you do talk
and you haven't talked in a while.
And I think that you need to, yeah,
you need to do that on the phone.
You don't need to, don't just, first of all,
I don't know how this woman feels,
but people have told me that they don't like it
when people call them just out of nowhere
without like, without planning that.
Oh yeah, yeah.
And I think, yeah.
Okay.
That's fair.
Okay, Thomas, keep us posted, okay?
Thank you.
All right.
We're all rooting for you.
If it's the right thing, we're rooting for you.
And you guys, that's the most important thing
that I can say is that I want you guys
to all be encouraged.
I just posted a bunch of new success story pictures
in the women's group on phase three.
Phase two, I can't do that with you guys
because you're in the app
and only let me post one picture at a time.
But I do photo dumps in phase three when you get there,
because it has a bonus Facebook page, private page.
I do photo dumps of all kinds of people
that are getting engaged and getting married.
And I do that regularly.
So I post probably in the course of this year,
I've already posted, you know, 150 or more pictures.
All right.
We're only, what, in April right now.
And so I just want you to, in fact, you guys,
we had like, I think we had four students
get married last weekend.
I just really want to pump y'all up.
And all of them have been in for different amounts of time
in this program.
All of them, you know, were here,
not just for their spirit mate or for their love story,
but they were here for whatever God had for them.
Some of you guys, you need to put yourself out there
even when you're not perfect yet.
Some of you are waiting to lose the weight.
You're waiting to do whatever
in order to put yourself out there.
I don't just mean on dating apps.
I just mean to like open your heart,
put yourself out there.
I'm not even talking about apps right now at all.
In fact, I'm so sick of apps.
Just get the heck out.
Okay.
But you're not, you're not, you're not doing it.
You're not showing up in life
because you're waiting until you get something together.
And remember all this coaching is for different people,
but those people that that resonates with,
and that's what you've been doing.
You need to go ahead and get out there.
Let someone love you perfectly and perfectly.
You know, you're perfectly imperfect.
I'm talking to myself.
There's some things that I've been dragging my feet on
like launching my podcast.
until I lose the 45 pounds of menopause weight.
I can't stand to see myself on camera.
And I'm just like, I'm giving myself the ick.
All right.
Menopause is, I would, if it was a, if it was a,
if it was a big burly, you know, monster dude,
I'd kick it in the wiener.
I really hate menopause so much.
Okay.
But it's an important stage that all of us ladies
are going to go through.
And so I've just been waiting.
I'm just going to be confession time right now.
I'm like, okay, when I lose all this weight
that I've gained in the last two years
of perimenopause and menopause, then I'll do it.
I'm just going to go ahead and do it.
All right.
And you guys, I'm starting to work with a trainer
and do all this stuff.
Nothing has worked so far,
but before I go through all this trouble,
is there anyone that just likes me fat?
Do you like me?
Just, I mean, if you like me fat, maybe I'll just,
maybe I'm more relatable.
Let's just, you know, let's go.
But some of you, you need to just take my cue
and you need to go ahead and get out there,
regardless of whether you have the thing together yet.
You're waiting for some,
I feel like the Holy Spirit's in this now.
You have like some eczema situation,
some skin thing that you're waiting to clear up
before you get out there.
No, trust me.
I couldn't scare David away with all kinds of things
that I tried to tell him about myself
to get him to run away, but he did it.
Here we are, 18 years later.
All right.
If you're waiting for, you know,
that crazy situation with your toxic ex in custody
to clear up, I know that it seems like
you should wait for that,
but you've been waiting for years now.
I think it's just time, okay?
Some of you, you're waiting on all kinds of different things.
Guys, you could be waiting on
making a certain amount of money.
You could be waiting on, you know,
till you get a different car, you know,
because you want to put your best foot forward.
You could be waiting on all kinds of things.
Don't wait.
Right?
And then for the rest of you,
that that doesn't apply to,
well, not the rest of you,
to a whole different group of you,
I just felt this.
These are the two things that I felt in my spirit
before I got on, is telling all of you
that I've been waiting till you got it perfectly
to get out there.
Some of you are kind of in really crazy transition
and you're waiting to be out of transition
before you kind of put yourself out there
and open your heart and surrender the pen to God.
Some of you are saying, okay, yeah, God, not yet,
because I don't have this transition down.
You don't know that maybe your spirit
makes the key to your transition.
You have no idea.
All right?
So if that resonates with you, take that.
All right?
But then there's others of you
that I really sensed in my spirit.
This was the other thing before I came on tonight,
that you've been working this like a job
and now your full focus is just where are they at?
And I'm going to find them.
And you're just like, you know, making, you know,
this person before you've ever even met them,
your source instead of God.
Okay?
This is why churches say stuff like,
don't make marriage an idol.
Okay?
That's why they say that stuff.
Because some people will just think that this thing over
here is the magic bullet of happiness
and I just need to get to it.
And I can't be happy until I get to it.
I can't live my life until I get to it.
My full focus.
In fact, you're here and all you do all the time
is complain that you're not meeting anyone on the apps,
that you're not on a date.
You're not this instead of partaking of all of the other
beautiful accelerations and upgrades that are available
because you just have a one track focus.
And that thing is not happening.
And so you need to take your cue and understand that
there's probably some other Jenga pieces that God wants to
pull out before that one gets pulled out.
Okay?
And so let's get our focus.
Keep the main thing, the main thing.
Maybe you need to take a little sabbatical,
take a little sabbatical from the apps and focus in on the
spiritual empowerment that's available here, right?
The relational empowerment that's here.
And instead of just frustrating yourself and spinning your
wheels over here,
because you've just gotten it all out of balance now.
Okay.
I don't know who that's for.
I know that's hard because that's just what you want.
And that's the thing that you want more than anything else.
And I get it.
And guess what?
I believe it's going to happen.
I do.
I believe it's going to happen.
All right.
So let's focus on enjoying the season.
Spring is here.
Summer's coming.
Some of you guys, you just need to, you know,
I just said some of you need to just be perfectly imperfect
and just step out there.
But some of you know that there are some very specific
things that you should be working on.
Let's work on that stuff.
Let's work on it.
Let's work on that stuff.
Okay.
All right.
We have one minute left.
All of the people that got married last weekend,
one of them, you guys,
she's probably one of my hardest private clients.
It got.
Married she lives out in LA and all she did was complain, complain, complain,
complain about men, complain and complain about how there's no good men and all
they want to sex and this and that and all the things.
And, you know, um, she was a widow.
She was widowed young.
She's widowed in her early forties and she just wanted to be remarried.
And she was so scared that she wasn't going to get to have a baby and that
she was going to go into perimenopause or menopause before she met her husband.
And I mean, you guys, she was just got herself in a crazy little.
Mental emotional cyclone.
And so we helped bring, get her into a place of peace, get her into a place of
surrender, get her into a place of heartwork.
She got married last weekend.
She got married to someone who guess what?
She's like, there's no good guys in LA.
All of them are superficial.
None of them really love Jesus.
Well, guess what?
She must've married the one guy in LA.
That loves Jesus according to her old self, but she did, she married a great
man and she's so happy and she's a beautiful bride.
In fact, I'm going to post her on my Instagram probably in the next couple
of days, um, but very, very excited for her and for, you know, and for that
transformation and on top of that, she had a really strong type and guess
what her type was probably all the superficial guys in LA that don't love
Jesus.
It's like, well, if that's your type, then that's all you're going to notice.
And that's all you're going to think exists.
Am I wrong?
That's what you're looking for.
That's what you're going to find.
Okay.
All right.
Lots of you guys need to just take a breath, take a breath.
In fact, let's just take a little poll.
Cause I'm interested now, as we get off tonight, raise your hand.
Only if you were in the first category of you've just been waiting to just
get everything right and get it in alignment, you're waiting for something
to work itself out or transition to be over or some custody thing, or waiting
for, you know, your former spouse to fall off the face of the earth, because
you don't think anyone could ever co-parent with you with that person.
Um, raise your hand.
You're waiting to lose weight.
You're waiting to gain weight.
You're waiting for some kind of surgery that you're going to have, you know,
you're waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting.
Everybody get their hands up.
You've just been waiting, waiting, waiting.
Okay.
All right.
So you guys have your marching orders.
It's time to put yourself out there.
You're going to start here because you're not visible in your heart yet, because
you believe that you have disqualifications.
You guys, you have to release those disqualifications to the Lord, or
you're not going to be visible.
You're like, well, there's no one to date anymore.
I'm not going to date anyone.
You're like, well, there's no one to date anyway.
Well, you don't know because you're invisible.
Okay.
You're hidden right now.
So we've got to release those disqualifiers to the Lord.
Let him know that he's going to work that stuff out.
Someone can love us right where we are.
That's okay.
All right.
Make sure that whatever, if it's something to do with your health or your
weight or whatever, that you are working on that with the Lord, but you don't
have to wait until you have it.
Perfect.
All right.
I'm lowering those hands.
Now I want you to raise your hand.
Just honestly, if you've been working this like a job, you've
become really unbalanced with it.
You're just focusing on it.
You're allowing it to cause you anxiety.
Okay.
You've gotten just obsessed almost with what are you going to do?
Where are they?
How are you going to find them?
I think there's more people that should be raising their hand right now.
There you are.
Just be honest.
You guys, this is a safe space.
All right.
Now we're also just going to release that to the Lord.
And you know what?
We're going to ask God, we're going to ask God, okay, God, if that's not where
you want me to put my focus, you've got that you've got that God, right?
Okay.
You've got it.
I don't got to worry about it.
You've got it.
I don't have to have FOMO.
I don't have to have fear.
Then what do you want me to focus on?
Where should my focus be?
Should it be on my family?
Should it be on some preparation work I need to do?
I'm going to talk about inner healing work.
Maybe, maybe you get a lot of that here, but maybe something else,
maybe something more practical.
You might need to be focused on getting a better job or moving or just doing
something that you would not.
Focus on or do, because you're just waiting to, you're trying to go out and
grab this person and find this person so that you can better your life in other
areas.
Okay.
Let's let God show us something else because he's got this.
That's his word to you.
For those of you that have been working this like a job, he's got this surrender
it to him.
Let it go.
L I G it, let it go and let him show you where he wants you to focus right now in
the spring season and spring, and then be obedient and watch what happens.
All right.
Someone's going to come back with a testimony. More than one person's going to come back with
a testimony and say that they really got off this call tonight and they had a little talk
with Jesus and they let it go. They might've even delete their apps. And then they focused
on whatever they felt was being highlighted that they really needed to focus on. And bam, Shazam,
everything came together. They crossed paths with their spirit mate. You guys,
one of the success stories that I just posted, I said, Hey, how'd you guys meet?
Cause the last time I talked to you, you were single as a Pringle ready to bangle.
And she said, Oh, I'm glad you asked. She lives in a little tiny town,
little tiny town. And this person was coming to this little tiny town for work.
They had to come to this little tiny town for work. So they came to a little tiny town for work
and they met each other because he was in town for work and he decided to visit her church.
He was just visiting in town for work. And that's how they met. You guys won't God do it.
He'll do it. You're like, well, there's no guys in my church. He didn't go to her church. Y'all.
He was from out of town. He was visiting. Okay. Maybe join the greeter team. So you
can meet all the visitors at your church. Just the thought. All right. I love you guys. Thank
you so much for joining us. This is what loveseats like. I'll just maybe a little less sassy.
Maybe I'm diluting myself. Maybe I'm always the sassy, but I do know this. I know that God has
a plan for each and every one of your love lives. And he is going to put you right in the middle of
it. All we have to do is trust him. All right. So I will see you guys on supernatural Saturday.
You know, we're going to talk about, we're going to talk about if God, if the devil can't defeat
you, he will defeat someone whose defeat will defeat you. We're going to dig into praying for
the people that are in the circles around us and some really great things on supernatural Saturday.
So I hope to see you guys then see you guys. Bye.