WEBVTT

1
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:06.480
Tonight is our path session on save your relationship before it starts.

2
00:00:06.480 --> 00:00:10.800
It's kind of a takeoff of the name of our pre-marital course that we have.

3
00:00:10.800 --> 00:00:14.920
And that's for everyone who's in a marriage-minded courtship or an engagement, and that's called

4
00:00:14.920 --> 00:00:17.080
save your marriage before it starts.

5
00:00:17.080 --> 00:00:21.840
I'm a certified teacher of that modality, and we have several other coaches on our team

6
00:00:21.840 --> 00:00:23.400
that are also certified.

7
00:00:23.400 --> 00:00:28.680
And so if you are in a marriage-minded courtship or you are engaged, you definitely want to

8
00:00:28.680 --> 00:00:31.000
take some kind of pre-marital coaching.

9
00:00:31.000 --> 00:00:34.980
And I recommend ours because you're already in here, right?

10
00:00:34.980 --> 00:00:36.280
You're already part of this DNA.

11
00:00:36.280 --> 00:00:38.600
So it makes sense for you to continue on with us.

12
00:00:38.600 --> 00:00:43.840
And we do not leave any stone unturned just so you know, in our pre-marital coaching,

13
00:00:43.840 --> 00:00:45.880
we don't leave any, any stone unturned.

14
00:00:45.880 --> 00:00:50.080
We're going to help you have every conversation that you need to have with your partner in

15
00:00:50.080 --> 00:00:57.320
order to make sure that this is the relationship that you want to commit to as a covenant for

16
00:00:57.320 --> 00:00:58.320
your life.

17
00:00:58.320 --> 00:00:59.320
Okay.

18
00:00:59.320 --> 00:01:01.880
And so we are matchmakers and we are also match breakers.

19
00:01:01.880 --> 00:01:05.319
I don't say that to scare you, but if there's something that you don't see, we're going

20
00:01:05.319 --> 00:01:09.200
to make sure you see it as part of the God defense system.

21
00:01:09.200 --> 00:01:12.280
For those of you that are new to phase three, go ahead and raise your hand.

22
00:01:12.280 --> 00:01:17.720
If you're new to phase three, you just came in from phase two from the love story accelerator.

23
00:01:17.720 --> 00:01:20.400
Maybe this is one of your first sessions in here.

24
00:01:20.400 --> 00:01:23.680
We're going to start out with a fun one.

25
00:01:23.680 --> 00:01:24.680
Okay.

26
00:01:24.680 --> 00:01:26.120
We have a couple of hands going up.

27
00:01:26.120 --> 00:01:27.120
All right.

28
00:01:27.920 --> 00:01:30.880
So, you know, we believe in something called being God defended.

29
00:01:30.880 --> 00:01:35.760
You learned about that in phase one and phase two, and we're part of that God defense system

30
00:01:35.760 --> 00:01:37.360
and phase three.

31
00:01:37.360 --> 00:01:40.540
And so we're instituting something new as far as time blocking.

32
00:01:40.540 --> 00:01:45.240
And so I want to let you know that most of our phase three sessions will now last 60

33
00:01:45.240 --> 00:01:46.560
minutes to 75 minutes.

34
00:01:46.560 --> 00:01:51.520
So if you want to be here live, but you're wondering how long it's going to go for or

35
00:01:51.520 --> 00:01:56.840
how long it's going to take you to watch the replay fit 60 minutes to 75 minutes.

36
00:01:57.560 --> 00:02:01.080
And then love seats, which happens once a month is a 90 minute session.

37
00:02:01.080 --> 00:02:05.560
And for obvious reasons, because there's a lot of coaching, live coaching that happens.

38
00:02:05.560 --> 00:02:08.800
We are also going to be reinstituting ask Jackie.

39
00:02:08.800 --> 00:02:13.640
So if you want to use your resource page, sorry, Dave is hovering all over me trying

40
00:02:13.640 --> 00:02:18.400
to put together the stuff here because we didn't, we didn't have it set up.

41
00:02:18.400 --> 00:02:22.720
We had it torn apart for a different thing that we were up to.

42
00:02:22.720 --> 00:02:29.560
So anyway, if you want I'm totally distracted now, I don't even remember what I was talking

43
00:02:29.560 --> 00:02:30.560
about.

44
00:02:30.560 --> 00:02:49.560
Let's wait a second until he gets this done so that I can finish up here.

45
00:02:49.560 --> 00:02:54.280
Just so you know, your future spouse is going to get on your nerves and what are you going

46
00:02:54.280 --> 00:02:55.280
to do about it?

47
00:02:55.280 --> 00:02:56.280
It's going to happen.

48
00:02:56.280 --> 00:02:57.280
All right.

49
00:02:57.280 --> 00:02:58.280
It's going to happen.

50
00:02:58.280 --> 00:02:59.280
Just like he's getting on my nerves right now.

51
00:02:59.280 --> 00:03:00.280
All right.

52
00:03:00.280 --> 00:03:01.640
And I'm sure I'm on his nerves.

53
00:03:01.640 --> 00:03:08.480
And so the bottom line is, is that we have everything that you can need in order to anything

54
00:03:08.480 --> 00:03:15.060
you could want and need in order to go forward with clarity without no confusion.

55
00:03:15.060 --> 00:03:19.980
And so, um, these, these sessions are going to be palatable for you to be able to watch

56
00:03:19.980 --> 00:03:23.100
and replay because they're not going to be too long, right?

57
00:03:23.100 --> 00:03:28.000
60 to 75 minutes tonight session will be around 75 minutes long.

58
00:03:28.000 --> 00:03:31.100
If you're watching the clock because you have somewhere to be.

59
00:03:31.100 --> 00:03:36.900
And then also, um, love seats ask Jackie your resource section.

60
00:03:36.900 --> 00:03:38.860
That's where you find the form for that.

61
00:03:38.860 --> 00:03:39.940
You can fill that out.

62
00:03:39.940 --> 00:03:44.580
We're going to be starting that again weekly starting next week.

63
00:03:44.580 --> 00:03:45.580
Where will that be?

64
00:03:45.580 --> 00:03:49.780
That will just go live into your group, your phase three group, or your men's group for

65
00:03:49.780 --> 00:03:51.180
the guys that are here.

66
00:03:51.180 --> 00:03:53.100
And that's where you'll be able to find it.

67
00:03:53.100 --> 00:03:54.100
All right.

68
00:03:54.100 --> 00:03:56.820
We have some fun tonight.

69
00:03:56.820 --> 00:04:03.200
These past sessions are born out of necessity and the topics are born out of necessity.

70
00:04:03.200 --> 00:04:07.300
What can we do to help you get a clear path forward in relationship?

71
00:04:07.300 --> 00:04:08.580
We're going to have fun tonight.

72
00:04:08.580 --> 00:04:12.140
You want to have some fun, but you're going to learn something and hopefully you're going

73
00:04:12.140 --> 00:04:15.800
to get some healing along the way because I love all of those things.

74
00:04:15.800 --> 00:04:21.100
And so in order for you to, um, get the most out of tonight's session, you might want to

75
00:04:21.100 --> 00:04:22.100
take some notes.

76
00:04:22.100 --> 00:04:27.700
The replay will be available, but if you want to get some information down, get your computer,

77
00:04:27.700 --> 00:04:32.980
get your iPad, your paper, your pen, whatever it is that you need.

78
00:04:32.980 --> 00:04:51.500
And I'll just give you a second before we get started, right?

79
00:04:51.500 --> 00:04:54.100
While those people are getting that stuff together, I'm going to go ahead and give us

80
00:04:54.100 --> 00:04:55.940
an icebreaker question.

81
00:04:55.940 --> 00:04:59.220
So tonight's past session is save your relationship before it starts and what we're really going

82
00:04:59.220 --> 00:05:00.220
to do is we're going to focus in on.

83
00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:03.880
is what are you like in early connection?

84
00:05:00.220 --> 00:05:00.220


85
00:05:03.880 --> 00:05:07.520
Gonna hold you to task about what are you like

86
00:05:07.520 --> 00:05:09.960
when you're first meeting someone

87
00:05:09.960 --> 00:05:12.580
at the very earliest moments of connection

88
00:05:12.580 --> 00:05:15.300
and then into that early relationship?

89
00:05:15.300 --> 00:05:16.840
Are you sabotaging it?

90
00:05:17.920 --> 00:05:19.640
Okay, what are you doing?

91
00:05:19.640 --> 00:05:22.280
I do wanna do a little housekeeping before I forget.

92
00:05:22.280 --> 00:05:24.480
I have a book that's coming out, you guys,

93
00:05:24.480 --> 00:05:26.600
the manuscript is around here somewhere

94
00:05:26.600 --> 00:05:28.120
called Modern Dating Sucks

95
00:05:28.200 --> 00:05:30.960
and it's going to be for presale May 1st.

96
00:05:30.960 --> 00:05:33.560
That is the book your love life needs.

97
00:05:33.560 --> 00:05:34.800
It's gonna be incredible.

98
00:05:34.800 --> 00:05:37.520
It's gonna cover all of this stuff and more

99
00:05:37.520 --> 00:05:41.160
from a very kingdom and supernatural perspective.

100
00:05:41.160 --> 00:05:43.800
And so I think you guys are gonna love it.

101
00:05:43.800 --> 00:05:48.800
And then also I have a challenge coming up next week

102
00:05:49.100 --> 00:05:52.200
and it's focused specifically on the pain points

103
00:05:52.200 --> 00:05:54.420
that millennials are facing.

104
00:05:54.420 --> 00:05:56.620
These are people that came of dating age

105
00:05:56.620 --> 00:06:00.140
during a digital revolution, during a purity movement,

106
00:06:00.140 --> 00:06:04.260
during a theological moment in time

107
00:06:04.260 --> 00:06:07.580
when dating was considered no good,

108
00:06:07.580 --> 00:06:09.820
all kinds of different things were against them

109
00:06:09.820 --> 00:06:14.060
and now they're 69% unmarried, okay?

110
00:06:14.060 --> 00:06:17.940
So that means divorced and unmarried or just never married.

111
00:06:17.940 --> 00:06:19.020
So if you're a millennial,

112
00:06:19.020 --> 00:06:22.740
which means you're 29 to 43 years old, raise your hand.

113
00:06:22.740 --> 00:06:24.460
Just raise your hand, I wanna see

114
00:06:24.460 --> 00:06:26.140
who is a millennial in here.

115
00:06:27.720 --> 00:06:30.180
We typically have a lot of Gen X,

116
00:06:30.180 --> 00:06:31.700
which is the next generation up.

117
00:06:31.700 --> 00:06:34.700
We have a lot of baby boomers, not a lot of baby boomers,

118
00:06:34.700 --> 00:06:36.980
but that would be our next biggest group.

119
00:06:36.980 --> 00:06:40.260
And then we have millennials, okay?

120
00:06:40.260 --> 00:06:45.260
All right, so you guys see we have 20 hands that are up

121
00:06:45.860 --> 00:06:50.600
out of 112 people that are alive, 21 hands.

122
00:06:50.600 --> 00:06:54.220
Now you guys do not have FOMO about this live challenge.

123
00:06:54.980 --> 00:06:56.740
Do not go into my funnel, do not click the link,

124
00:06:56.740 --> 00:06:58.420
do not sign up for the challenge

125
00:06:58.420 --> 00:07:01.180
because all the information from the challenge,

126
00:07:01.180 --> 00:07:05.620
the actual challenge itself is going to be given to you

127
00:07:05.620 --> 00:07:08.460
right here in your group, okay?

128
00:07:08.460 --> 00:07:10.500
It's gonna be a program that you can go through

129
00:07:10.500 --> 00:07:11.940
and you can get all the information

130
00:07:11.940 --> 00:07:14.820
and you're gonna have me giving you a bonus session on it

131
00:07:14.820 --> 00:07:16.940
because we're gonna talk about it

132
00:07:16.940 --> 00:07:20.140
because some of the stuff is crossing over the generations,

133
00:07:20.140 --> 00:07:22.740
but a lot of it is really very particular

134
00:07:22.740 --> 00:07:24.180
to this generation.

135
00:07:25.020 --> 00:07:26.740
So there's only 21 of you guys in here.

136
00:07:26.740 --> 00:07:27.940
I'm gonna lower all your hands.

137
00:07:27.940 --> 00:07:29.820
Now, out of the millennials that raised their hands,

138
00:07:29.820 --> 00:07:33.000
just millennials, raise your hand if you're never married,

139
00:07:34.060 --> 00:07:34.960
never married.

140
00:07:36.900 --> 00:07:39.820
Out of 21 of you that said, I'm millennial,

141
00:07:42.980 --> 00:07:46.920
21 of you said, I've never been married, imagine that.

142
00:07:46.920 --> 00:07:49.620
Okay, so once again, 69% unmarried.

143
00:07:49.620 --> 00:07:50.980
And so you guys are not gonna miss out

144
00:07:50.980 --> 00:07:52.780
on anything in that challenge.

145
00:07:52.780 --> 00:07:57.780
We don't want you to get into our database

146
00:07:57.820 --> 00:08:00.660
more than one time because it messes up your billing.

147
00:08:00.660 --> 00:08:02.140
So don't do that, okay?

148
00:08:02.140 --> 00:08:04.380
Send all of your millennial friends to the challenge though.

149
00:08:04.380 --> 00:08:07.140
It's gonna be fire that are not a part of this program.

150
00:08:07.140 --> 00:08:08.620
And then just know that you're gonna get

151
00:08:08.620 --> 00:08:11.120
everything that I deliver Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday,

152
00:08:11.120 --> 00:08:12.380
but more.

153
00:08:12.380 --> 00:08:14.140
You guys are gonna get all of that and more.

154
00:08:14.140 --> 00:08:16.500
And then of course I write about it in the book as well.

155
00:08:16.500 --> 00:08:18.220
All the stuff that I'm covering in the challenge

156
00:08:18.220 --> 00:08:19.420
is also in the book.

157
00:08:19.420 --> 00:08:22.220
Now, out of all the millennials that raised their hands

158
00:08:23.180 --> 00:08:26.040
and said that they were never married,

159
00:08:26.900 --> 00:08:28.700
I'm sorry, not all the millennials.

160
00:08:28.700 --> 00:08:31.460
Now I wanna know who in here is an Xennial,

161
00:08:31.460 --> 00:08:35.500
meaning that you are 43 to 46 years old.

162
00:08:35.500 --> 00:08:36.700
Let's see the Xennials.

163
00:08:36.700 --> 00:08:38.980
You're not Gen X, you're not millennials,

164
00:08:38.980 --> 00:08:43.220
you're just in the cusp, you're in that crazy little area

165
00:08:43.220 --> 00:08:45.280
right in between those two things.

166
00:08:46.280 --> 00:08:51.280
Okay, so there's 18, 17 of you guys here, 18 of you.

167
00:08:51.800 --> 00:08:53.240
Okay, thank you for that.

168
00:08:53.240 --> 00:08:55.640
Now raise your hand if you're Gen X.

169
00:08:55.640 --> 00:08:58.880
You're Gen X, so you're 47 to I think 64.

170
00:08:58.880 --> 00:09:00.840
Raise your hand if you're Gen X.

171
00:09:00.840 --> 00:09:04.760
You were born in the Gen X generation, raise your hand.

172
00:09:04.760 --> 00:09:06.960
I'm Gen X, I just turned 50.

173
00:09:08.040 --> 00:09:11.760
Gen X, Gen X, raise your hand.

174
00:09:11.760 --> 00:09:16.760
All right, so we have about 37 to 40 Gen Xers in here.

175
00:09:18.800 --> 00:09:19.640
Now raise your hand

176
00:09:19.640 --> 00:09:22.240
if you are in the baby boomer generation.

177
00:09:22.240 --> 00:09:23.240
Let's see your hands.

178
00:09:23.240 --> 00:09:28.240
If you are over 60, over 64, you're a baby boomer.

179
00:09:29.360 --> 00:09:30.960
Let's see all those hands.

180
00:09:34.040 --> 00:09:36.080
You're the younger baby boomers, right?

181
00:09:37.920 --> 00:09:39.600
Baby boomers.

182
00:09:39.600 --> 00:09:41.480
Okay, so about 11 of you.

183
00:09:42.200 --> 00:09:44.480
I just wanted you guys to see who all was here, okay?

184
00:09:44.480 --> 00:09:48.440
All right, about nine, nine to 11 of you guys.

185
00:09:48.440 --> 00:09:49.960
All right, thank you so much.

186
00:09:49.960 --> 00:09:51.320
All right, we're gonna have some fun.

187
00:09:51.320 --> 00:09:54.000
We're gonna talk about how we can optimize

188
00:09:54.000 --> 00:09:56.040
those early moments of connection,

189
00:09:56.040 --> 00:09:57.800
whether you're meeting someone on a dating app,

190
00:09:57.800 --> 00:09:59.760
just having a conversation with them.

191
00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:09.920
Whether you're meeting someone that someone introduced you to, but once again, you're using your phone, you're having a conversation with them over text message, whether you just had one date with them in person.

192
00:10:10.520 --> 00:10:17.800
And now you know we're waiting to see if there's going to be a second date so i'm gonna do an icebreaker question you guys can go ahead and put your answers in the chat.

193
00:10:23.880 --> 00:10:28.280
The icebreaker question is when you start talking to someone.

194
00:10:29.240 --> 00:10:41.680
That you're really vibing with okay you feel like you're really into it what's your default reaction you're like wow I think I am i'm really i'm really digging this person is it to pull away.

195
00:10:42.680 --> 00:10:44.000
or to dive all the way in.

196
00:10:46.760 --> 00:10:47.680
Do you lean in.

197
00:10:48.560 --> 00:10:53.840
Even more kind of dive in like well i'm all in you jump in the deep end of the pool, or do you you pull away.

198
00:10:54.400 --> 00:11:04.880
let's get the answers there, those are our two options, I know that there's probably other options to but just put yourself in one of those categories, are you diving in or are you pulling away.

199
00:11:11.560 --> 00:11:13.560
Remember you're into them you're into them.

200
00:11:13.680 --> 00:11:16.160
you're excited about them you think they're cool.

201
00:11:17.640 --> 00:11:18.200
Right.

202
00:11:44.560 --> 00:11:54.560
Okay, just giving everyone a chance to answer alright, so I think that we're pretty even don't you guys think I think I saw a lot of pull aways I saw a lot of dive ins.

203
00:11:55.880 --> 00:12:06.080
I saw a lot of both and then some people saying it just depends okay it just depends well it depends on what I told you, I think it depends on what you're into.

204
00:12:06.160 --> 00:12:17.360
Okay, so we're going to do a little overview really quickly of the of the attachment styles is what they call them, but I want to caution you guys, just like personality types, please don't read too much into this stuff.

205
00:12:18.240 --> 00:12:27.120
Right we're using it as a purpose for structure for tonight's teaching, but I want to caution you guys, just like personality types, please don't read too much into this stuff.

206
00:12:27.120 --> 00:12:35.680
Right we're using it as a purpose for structure for tonight's teaching, but I want you to know that no one's ever all of anything.

207
00:12:36.560 --> 00:12:47.120
No one's ever all of anything we can't be we're not all of anything and so, just like you guys saw with this answer right now I gave a scenario and some people like dive in some people are pull away.

208
00:12:47.120 --> 00:12:57.800
I gave a scenario and some people like dive in some people are pull away and then some people are like in the shades of Gray they weren't black or white they were just like I don't know i'm sometimes this sometimes that.

209
00:12:58.120 --> 00:13:10.040
And that's pretty much true of human nature, but I want you guys to give me for tonight's purposes, what you mostly are okay what you mostly do what's your mo usually.

210
00:13:10.960 --> 00:13:22.000
Really important because i'm going to help you, I want to help you not sabotage these relationships before they even have a chance to get off the ground because i'm seeing a lot of that lately.

211
00:13:22.520 --> 00:13:33.280
i'm seeing a lot of that in private coaching i'm seeing a lot of that in group coaching and you don't even know you're doing it, you think that the other person's the problem still but you're the problem, you are.

212
00:13:34.360 --> 00:13:36.840
I love you, you're the problem okay.

213
00:13:36.960 --> 00:13:42.720
The way that you're approaching this problem alright so here's the overview, we have secure attachment.

214
00:13:43.280 --> 00:13:51.880
If you're not a secure attacher you can begin to think like one say that to yourself if i'm not a secure attacher I can begin to think like one.

215
00:13:52.640 --> 00:13:59.440
Right it's not fake it, you make it, but you can become so self aware that you can ask yourself what would a secure person do right now.

216
00:13:59.440 --> 00:14:13.720
And you can do that, instead of whatever it is you're doing you can, but you have to be self aware that's where hard work comes into play do you guys realize after going through the hard work, all it is is a set of tools to help you become very self aware right.

217
00:14:15.720 --> 00:14:24.520
Because trauma doesn't hurt us it creates different versions of it us so it's about becoming self aware when those other versions show up and start trying to swipe on your APP.

218
00:14:25.040 --> 00:14:35.720
You do not want to be anxious Annie on your APP right you don't want to be avoid an owl on your APP so when those other counterfeit versions that were you know trauma based show up to the party.

219
00:14:36.200 --> 00:14:47.200
You want to make sure that they are not speaking for you, they are not choosing for you, you have the ability to disconnect from that, and that is what this is all about okay.

220
00:14:47.480 --> 00:15:04.120
All right, so secure here's a little overview they're balanced usually they're comfortable with closeness and they're comfortable with being able to communicate with each other.

221
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:02.280
with interdependence.

222
00:15:02.280 --> 00:15:03.680
They're comfortable with it.

223
00:15:04.580 --> 00:15:07.680
The anxious attachment style is pure anxious,

224
00:15:07.680 --> 00:15:09.240
not any kind of hybrid.

225
00:15:09.240 --> 00:15:12.760
The anxious attachment style values independence.

226
00:15:14.560 --> 00:15:16.840
I'm sorry, they crave intimacy,

227
00:15:16.840 --> 00:15:21.420
but they fear abandonment and they often need reassurance.

228
00:15:21.420 --> 00:15:23.840
Those are the three points that I have down here

229
00:15:23.840 --> 00:15:25.320
that I want you guys to get.

230
00:15:25.320 --> 00:15:28.200
They crave intimacy, they want it,

231
00:15:28.240 --> 00:15:30.480
but they also fear abandonment.

232
00:15:30.480 --> 00:15:32.680
And so they need a lot of reassurance

233
00:15:32.680 --> 00:15:33.880
because they wanna be intimate,

234
00:15:33.880 --> 00:15:36.680
but they're also afraid that you're gonna leave them.

235
00:15:36.680 --> 00:15:39.520
And so they need a lot of, they can be a little needy.

236
00:15:39.520 --> 00:15:42.120
They need a lot of assurance, okay?

237
00:15:42.120 --> 00:15:43.640
And then we have avoidant.

238
00:15:43.640 --> 00:15:45.740
This is the one that values independence.

239
00:15:45.740 --> 00:15:47.200
This is what I was.

240
00:15:47.200 --> 00:15:48.440
Okay, I actually was disordered,

241
00:15:48.440 --> 00:15:51.080
so I was anxious and avoidant.

242
00:15:51.080 --> 00:15:52.660
They value independence.

243
00:15:52.660 --> 00:15:54.520
They don't wanna feel trapped.

244
00:15:54.520 --> 00:15:56.100
They don't wanna feel trapped.

245
00:15:56.100 --> 00:16:01.100
They can become overwhelmed when things get too serious

246
00:16:02.760 --> 00:16:06.580
and they feel like they're being suffocated or trapped

247
00:16:06.580 --> 00:16:08.100
or they're losing their independence.

248
00:16:08.100 --> 00:16:09.180
What is their fear?

249
00:16:09.180 --> 00:16:13.840
The anxious person's fear is abandonment

250
00:16:13.840 --> 00:16:16.980
where the avoidance person's fear is control.

251
00:16:16.980 --> 00:16:20.820
They have a fear of being controlled, okay?

252
00:16:20.820 --> 00:16:23.380
Just based on, and I'll give you one more,

253
00:16:23.380 --> 00:16:24.300
I'll give you disorganized.

254
00:16:24.300 --> 00:16:28.060
So disorganized wants love, but they're afraid of it.

255
00:16:28.060 --> 00:16:30.680
So at the beginning, they'll show up needing assurance

256
00:16:30.680 --> 00:16:33.820
and coming in, diving in, craving intimacy.

257
00:16:33.820 --> 00:16:37.020
And then when they get it, they feel highly conflicted

258
00:16:37.020 --> 00:16:38.900
and they start to pull away.

259
00:16:38.900 --> 00:16:42.260
So I call those people the pull, pull, push, push,

260
00:16:42.260 --> 00:16:45.220
pull, pull, push, push people, okay?

261
00:16:45.220 --> 00:16:48.260
So I gave you those attachment overviews,

262
00:16:48.260 --> 00:16:52.540
secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

263
00:16:52.540 --> 00:16:54.100
What's your MO?

264
00:16:54.860 --> 00:16:55.820
What are you usually?

265
00:16:55.820 --> 00:16:58.740
Not all the time, maybe, but usually how do you show up?

266
00:16:58.740 --> 00:16:59.580
Let's see it.

267
00:17:12.700 --> 00:17:15.720
Tyann gave us a song, You Don't Own Me.

268
00:17:19.579 --> 00:17:21.020
You guys, I'm gonna tell you this.

269
00:17:21.020 --> 00:17:25.540
When I was a kid, my grandpa had like a poster,

270
00:17:25.540 --> 00:17:28.800
like a picture on his wall, but it was all words

271
00:17:28.800 --> 00:17:30.500
from a song that I had never heard

272
00:17:30.500 --> 00:17:33.580
because it was a song from way before I was born.

273
00:17:33.580 --> 00:17:34.620
But when I got older,

274
00:17:34.620 --> 00:17:37.600
that's when I realized it was a song, okay?

275
00:17:37.600 --> 00:17:39.980
And that's when I realized, you know,

276
00:17:39.980 --> 00:17:42.100
that, you know, it was saying by, you know,

277
00:17:42.100 --> 00:17:45.500
an old song, you know, person and all the things.

278
00:17:45.500 --> 00:17:48.320
But it was the song called, I Did It My Way.

279
00:17:48.320 --> 00:17:50.940
Anyone ever heard that song, I Did It My Way?

280
00:17:51.740 --> 00:17:53.540
So my grandfather had the lyrics to that.

281
00:17:53.540 --> 00:17:55.020
And I loved that.

282
00:17:55.020 --> 00:17:58.020
Cause I was so like, don't tell me what to do.

283
00:17:58.020 --> 00:17:59.620
I'll do what I want.

284
00:17:59.620 --> 00:18:01.540
You know, I did it my way.

285
00:18:01.540 --> 00:18:05.020
Like I loved reading that thing that was on his wall.

286
00:18:05.020 --> 00:18:07.140
And then there was a song that came out by,

287
00:18:07.140 --> 00:18:08.260
I think it was Billy Joel,

288
00:18:08.260 --> 00:18:11.300
when I was still a young child in elementary school.

289
00:18:11.300 --> 00:18:16.300
And it was a song called, I Don't Care What You Want.

290
00:18:16.500 --> 00:18:18.940
This Is My Life, I Don't Care What You Say Anymore,

291
00:18:18.940 --> 00:18:19.780
Leave Me Alone.

292
00:18:19.780 --> 00:18:21.460
You guys remember that song?

293
00:18:21.460 --> 00:18:22.860
I think it's called My Life.

294
00:18:22.860 --> 00:18:25.380
But I used to sing that song as like an eight-year-old.

295
00:18:25.380 --> 00:18:27.340
But like, I don't care what you say anymore.

296
00:18:27.340 --> 00:18:28.860
It's my life.

297
00:18:28.860 --> 00:18:31.580
Go ahead with your own life, but leave me alone, you know?

298
00:18:31.580 --> 00:18:33.140
And I was coming from a broken home.

299
00:18:33.140 --> 00:18:36.140
I was very independent in order to survive.

300
00:18:36.140 --> 00:18:36.980
And that's where a lot of you

301
00:18:36.980 --> 00:18:38.220
are getting your independence from.

302
00:18:38.220 --> 00:18:39.580
And that's why you don't want to be controlled

303
00:18:39.580 --> 00:18:43.940
because you have had to be on your own for a long time.

304
00:18:43.940 --> 00:18:45.700
You've been taking care of yourself for a long time.

305
00:18:45.700 --> 00:18:48.100
And you don't, you want love because we all want love.

306
00:18:48.100 --> 00:18:49.220
We're hardwired for love.

307
00:18:49.220 --> 00:18:51.660
But as soon as anything comes close to you

308
00:18:51.660 --> 00:18:53.540
and tries to give you love,

309
00:18:53.540 --> 00:18:57.900
you're afraid it's going to want to control you, right?

310
00:18:57.900 --> 00:19:00.460
And especially if you've encountered any kind of abuse

311
00:19:00.460 --> 00:19:02.300
in the past and you've escaped from it,

312
00:19:02.300 --> 00:19:05.180
you definitely don't want to sign back up for round two,

313
00:19:05.180 --> 00:19:06.020
right?

314
00:19:06.020 --> 00:19:07.820
You don't want the sequel to that movie.

315
00:19:07.820 --> 00:19:10.260
All right, so we see a lot of,

316
00:19:10.260 --> 00:19:12.860
we see quite a few people that are saying

317
00:19:12.860 --> 00:19:14.060
that they're secure attached.

318
00:19:14.060 --> 00:19:16.500
I'm not saying you're not, I'm not saying you are.

319
00:19:16.540 --> 00:19:18.900
Okay, we see, I see a lot of disorganized attachment.

320
00:19:18.900 --> 00:19:20.860
I see a lot of avoidant.

321
00:19:20.860 --> 00:19:23.460
I don't see as much anxious as I thought I would.

322
00:19:24.660 --> 00:19:28.180
There's a lot of people that are anxious attached,

323
00:19:28.180 --> 00:19:30.500
especially women, a lot of women.

324
00:19:33.380 --> 00:19:35.740
Okay, all right, it's good.

325
00:19:35.740 --> 00:19:38.220
All right, so let's talk about how these different styles

326
00:19:38.220 --> 00:19:40.580
show up at the beginning of a connection.

327
00:19:40.580 --> 00:19:42.300
You guys want to talk about that?

328
00:19:42.300 --> 00:19:44.420
How do these styles show up

329
00:19:44.420 --> 00:19:45.700
at the beginning of a connection?

330
00:19:45.820 --> 00:19:48.020
And I'm going to let you put up personal,

331
00:19:48.020 --> 00:19:50.700
personal antidotes as well.

332
00:19:50.700 --> 00:19:52.460
So let's start with secure.

333
00:19:52.460 --> 00:19:57.260
Their early, early connecting behavior is clear.

334
00:19:57.260 --> 00:19:58.860
They communicate clearly.

335
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:01.720
Pace well.

336
00:20:01.720 --> 00:20:02.980
Only fools rush in, right?

337
00:20:02.980 --> 00:20:04.560
They're not trying to rush in too fast,

338
00:20:04.560 --> 00:20:06.360
but they're also not going too slow.

339
00:20:07.300 --> 00:20:09.980
They're clearly communicating with the person,

340
00:20:09.980 --> 00:20:11.580
the object of their attraction.

341
00:20:11.580 --> 00:20:14.620
They're clearly communicating, right?

342
00:20:14.620 --> 00:20:18.140
And the sabotage risk for a secure attacher

343
00:20:18.140 --> 00:20:19.420
is relatively low.

344
00:20:20.380 --> 00:20:22.340
Now, anyone can misstep.

345
00:20:22.340 --> 00:20:23.980
Guys, even if you have secure attachment,

346
00:20:23.980 --> 00:20:25.940
if you get with a real anxious attacher

347
00:20:25.940 --> 00:20:28.380
or a real avoidant attacher or disorganized attacher,

348
00:20:28.380 --> 00:20:31.300
it might bring out some yucky stuff in you too,

349
00:20:31.300 --> 00:20:32.500
even if you're secure.

350
00:20:32.500 --> 00:20:35.860
I see some of you saying, yeah, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

351
00:20:35.860 --> 00:20:36.740
Okay.

352
00:20:36.740 --> 00:20:38.020
Anxious attacher.

353
00:20:38.020 --> 00:20:41.100
This is, once again, this is an overview,

354
00:20:41.100 --> 00:20:45.900
but usually they communicate too much.

355
00:20:47.100 --> 00:20:48.580
They communicate too much.

356
00:20:48.580 --> 00:20:50.540
They communicate too much too early,

357
00:20:50.540 --> 00:20:53.580
that TMI, talking about deep things

358
00:20:53.580 --> 00:20:56.000
or their past or something.

359
00:20:56.000 --> 00:20:57.580
They overthink a lot.

360
00:20:58.580 --> 00:21:00.940
They overthink all the time.

361
00:21:00.940 --> 00:21:02.180
They're the people that are sitting there

362
00:21:02.180 --> 00:21:05.100
trying to figure out whether they should text,

363
00:21:05.100 --> 00:21:06.700
what they should text the person back.

364
00:21:06.700 --> 00:21:09.140
They're writing stuff out, then they're erasing it.

365
00:21:09.140 --> 00:21:10.820
Then they're writing it again and they're erasing it.

366
00:21:10.820 --> 00:21:12.900
Then they're asking other people to look at it.

367
00:21:12.900 --> 00:21:13.900
Do you think I should say this?

368
00:21:13.900 --> 00:21:14.940
Do you think this is okay?

369
00:21:14.940 --> 00:21:16.900
Then they're erasing it, okay?

370
00:21:16.900 --> 00:21:18.660
They're overthinking it.

371
00:21:18.660 --> 00:21:20.100
They're trying to show up perfectly.

372
00:21:20.100 --> 00:21:22.820
They believe deep down inside somewhere

373
00:21:22.820 --> 00:21:25.380
that their ability to be loved

374
00:21:25.380 --> 00:21:28.660
is dependent on their performance and their perfection,

375
00:21:28.660 --> 00:21:31.180
which is making them really anxious, okay?

376
00:21:31.180 --> 00:21:33.940
And then they seek clarity too soon.

377
00:21:33.940 --> 00:21:36.220
These are the people that probably wanna know

378
00:21:36.220 --> 00:21:37.640
where this is going.

379
00:21:37.640 --> 00:21:40.440
What is this really, really, really fast?

380
00:21:41.980 --> 00:21:45.560
Really fast, like inappropriately fast,

381
00:21:45.560 --> 00:21:50.260
like maybe on the first date fast, second date fast, okay?

382
00:21:50.260 --> 00:21:52.340
And so what is their sabotage risk?

383
00:21:52.340 --> 00:21:54.180
They usually scare off healthy partners.

384
00:21:54.180 --> 00:21:55.020
You wanna know why?

385
00:21:55.660 --> 00:21:57.860
Because those healthy partners feel smothered.

386
00:21:58.820 --> 00:22:00.700
They feel trapped.

387
00:22:00.700 --> 00:22:03.500
And God forbid that an anxious attacher

388
00:22:03.500 --> 00:22:05.180
would meet an avoidant attacher,

389
00:22:05.180 --> 00:22:09.080
because now we have a nightmare in the making, don't we?

390
00:22:10.580 --> 00:22:14.220
Guys, every rom-com that you've ever seen

391
00:22:14.220 --> 00:22:17.620
is about an anxious attacher and an avoidant attacher,

392
00:22:17.620 --> 00:22:20.660
or worse, two avoidants.

393
00:22:20.660 --> 00:22:22.300
Every rom-com you've ever seen.

394
00:22:22.300 --> 00:22:24.340
That's why that's not romantic.

395
00:22:24.340 --> 00:22:26.100
It's why we shouldn't be taking a page from that,

396
00:22:26.100 --> 00:22:27.900
because that's not what love is supposed to look like.

397
00:22:27.900 --> 00:22:31.420
Love should be clear as it's growing.

398
00:22:31.420 --> 00:22:33.380
We're not falling in love, we're growing in love.

399
00:22:33.380 --> 00:22:34.500
It should be clear.

400
00:22:34.500 --> 00:22:35.780
All right, let's go to the next one.

401
00:22:35.780 --> 00:22:36.860
Avoidant.

402
00:22:36.860 --> 00:22:39.220
Hopefully you're seeing some of your crap here.

403
00:22:43.300 --> 00:22:45.900
Cannot confirm nor deny that I've binged the notebook

404
00:22:45.900 --> 00:22:47.420
for figuring out what to do next

405
00:22:47.420 --> 00:22:49.180
when dating an avoidant attacher.

406
00:22:49.180 --> 00:22:51.620
Y'all, that movie's so toxic.

407
00:22:51.620 --> 00:22:53.580
And also a guilty pleasure,

408
00:22:53.580 --> 00:22:57.660
because Ryan Gosling is pretty good looking.

409
00:22:57.660 --> 00:23:01.660
But the bottom line is, is that it is so unhealthy,

410
00:23:01.660 --> 00:23:03.580
it's not funny, all right?

411
00:23:03.580 --> 00:23:05.540
It's not funny.

412
00:23:05.540 --> 00:23:08.020
Okay, have you guys seen,

413
00:23:08.020 --> 00:23:11.060
have you seen the Gen Z version of that one scene

414
00:23:11.060 --> 00:23:12.820
where they're at the dock?

415
00:23:12.820 --> 00:23:14.620
Hopefully you guys all know what the notebook is.

416
00:23:14.620 --> 00:23:17.540
If you don't, I would, I'd just skip it, okay?

417
00:23:17.540 --> 00:23:19.420
Because it has a lot of spicy scenes in it,

418
00:23:19.420 --> 00:23:20.860
so I'm not gonna recommend it.

419
00:23:20.860 --> 00:23:24.220
But at the dock where she finally reconnects with him

420
00:23:24.220 --> 00:23:27.860
and she's like, why didn't you call me?

421
00:23:27.860 --> 00:23:29.300
You know, why didn't you write me?

422
00:23:29.300 --> 00:23:30.940
Back in the writing letters days.

423
00:23:30.940 --> 00:23:33.340
And so the Gen Z version of it was,

424
00:23:33.340 --> 00:23:35.940
you know, why didn't you text me?

425
00:23:35.940 --> 00:23:39.780
And he's like, I snapped you every day for a year.

426
00:23:39.780 --> 00:23:41.660
You guys know what Snapchat is, right?

427
00:23:41.660 --> 00:23:44.580
And it's in their voices, it's perfectly dubbed over.

428
00:23:44.580 --> 00:23:46.660
And she's like, you snapped me?

429
00:23:46.660 --> 00:23:50.780
And he's like, yes, I sent you 365 snaps.

430
00:23:51.580 --> 00:23:54.180
And then she goes, I don't have Snapchat.

431
00:23:58.060 --> 00:23:59.700
Tell me that's not funny.

432
00:23:59.700 --> 00:24:02.140
It's only funny if you know, if you know, you know.

433
00:24:02.140 --> 00:24:03.700
Okay, avoidant.

434
00:24:03.700 --> 00:24:04.940
What do the avoidants do?

435
00:24:04.940 --> 00:24:09.700
Early in connection, they delay their responses.

436
00:24:09.700 --> 00:24:11.420
I want you to be honest right now.

437
00:24:11.420 --> 00:24:15.660
If you have ever gotten a text message from someone

438
00:24:15.660 --> 00:24:18.340
that you're really excited about and you looked at it

439
00:24:18.340 --> 00:24:21.620
and you did not want to overeagerly respond to it,

440
00:24:21.620 --> 00:24:23.820
so you literally left it sitting there

441
00:24:23.820 --> 00:24:26.140
for an appropriate amount of time,

442
00:24:26.140 --> 00:24:29.220
just so you would seem like you didn't care.

443
00:24:32.700 --> 00:24:33.580
Raise your hand.

444
00:24:34.980 --> 00:24:37.060
Raise your hand if you've ever done that.

445
00:24:38.020 --> 00:24:40.380
Well, I can't respond right away.

446
00:24:40.380 --> 00:24:41.900
I'll look like a psychopath.

447
00:24:42.860 --> 00:24:45.660
Look at all those hands, you guys.

448
00:24:45.660 --> 00:24:50.660
40 people, 42, 44, 46, 47.

449
00:24:50.700 --> 00:24:52.820
There's only 130 people here.

450
00:24:52.820 --> 00:24:53.660
50.

451
00:24:55.140 --> 00:24:55.980
Look at that.

452
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:02.720
Mm, mm, mm, mm.

453
00:25:02.720 --> 00:25:04.480
Some of y'all even do that with friendships.

454
00:25:04.480 --> 00:25:06.920
You do that with like the same sex friendships

455
00:25:06.920 --> 00:25:10.400
because you just don't want to be rejected that badly.

456
00:25:10.400 --> 00:25:12.200
You don't want people to think that you need them

457
00:25:12.200 --> 00:25:13.560
more than they need you.

458
00:25:13.560 --> 00:25:16.120
Some of y'all, we gotta help.

459
00:25:16.120 --> 00:25:18.680
All right, you delay your responses

460
00:25:18.680 --> 00:25:23.200
and you avoid defining things.

461
00:25:23.200 --> 00:25:25.880
This is what an avoidant person will do early in connection.

462
00:25:25.880 --> 00:25:29.120
You'll avoid any kind of clarity.

463
00:25:29.120 --> 00:25:31.160
You'll avoid it like the plague.

464
00:25:31.160 --> 00:25:32.920
And what's their sabotage risk?

465
00:25:32.920 --> 00:25:35.920
It's high, just like the anxious attachers

466
00:25:35.920 --> 00:25:40.200
because what they do is they miss a good connection

467
00:25:40.200 --> 00:25:42.080
because of the fear of control

468
00:25:42.080 --> 00:25:44.160
or they push away good connections.

469
00:25:44.160 --> 00:25:46.600
They either miss it because they're like, eh, it's not,

470
00:25:46.600 --> 00:25:50.760
mm, nah, or they push it away

471
00:25:50.760 --> 00:25:54.280
because that person just isn't gonna continue

472
00:25:54.280 --> 00:25:56.200
to be on this rollercoaster ride with you.

473
00:25:56.200 --> 00:25:58.560
And then last but not least, disorganized.

474
00:25:58.560 --> 00:25:59.880
They're hot and cold, y'all.

475
00:25:59.880 --> 00:26:02.120
They're hot and cold, all right?

476
00:26:02.120 --> 00:26:04.160
That song by Katy Perry, Hot and Cold,

477
00:26:04.160 --> 00:26:05.520
this is who it's about.

478
00:26:05.520 --> 00:26:07.520
Hot and cold behavior.

479
00:26:07.520 --> 00:26:10.200
They have quick intensity and then they panic.

480
00:26:11.640 --> 00:26:13.120
They have quick intensity and panic.

481
00:26:13.120 --> 00:26:16.040
Have you ever been in a relationship with someone

482
00:26:16.040 --> 00:26:18.640
who comes in hot and heavy

483
00:26:18.640 --> 00:26:23.560
and then all of a sudden is just like, no, bye.

484
00:26:23.560 --> 00:26:24.600
No, bye.

485
00:26:24.600 --> 00:26:26.800
No, see you later, bye.

486
00:26:26.800 --> 00:26:27.640
Anybody?

487
00:26:27.640 --> 00:26:31.520
Raise your hand if it goes a thousand miles an hour

488
00:26:31.520 --> 00:26:35.960
right into a brick wall, like stops abruptly.

489
00:26:41.560 --> 00:26:43.080
Stops abruptly.

490
00:26:45.200 --> 00:26:46.280
The ride is over.

491
00:26:46.280 --> 00:26:48.160
You were on the ride and now it's over.

492
00:26:48.160 --> 00:26:49.160
It's a quick ride.

493
00:26:51.320 --> 00:26:52.160
Okay.

494
00:26:52.160 --> 00:26:53.800
Some of you are saying all the time,

495
00:26:53.800 --> 00:26:56.800
guys, if you're always picking people like this,

496
00:26:56.800 --> 00:26:57.640
we gotta look.

497
00:26:57.640 --> 00:26:58.960
We gotta look at what's going on with that.

498
00:26:58.960 --> 00:26:59.800
Okay.

499
00:26:59.800 --> 00:27:00.840
All right.

500
00:27:00.840 --> 00:27:02.560
So let's go into the pros and cons

501
00:27:02.560 --> 00:27:04.840
of attachment styles in early connection.

502
00:27:04.840 --> 00:27:05.840
I'm not even gonna say dating

503
00:27:05.840 --> 00:27:07.160
because you might even not be dating yet.

504
00:27:07.160 --> 00:27:08.640
You might just be connecting.

505
00:27:08.640 --> 00:27:10.480
Maybe you haven't even been on a date yet.

506
00:27:10.480 --> 00:27:11.320
All right?

507
00:27:11.320 --> 00:27:12.160
Okay.

508
00:27:12.160 --> 00:27:13.000
So let's look at the anxious.

509
00:27:13.000 --> 00:27:14.240
Hopefully you're taking notes.

510
00:27:15.200 --> 00:27:19.080
The anxious, the pro to having an anxious attachment style

511
00:27:19.080 --> 00:27:22.480
is that you're usually a really empathetic person.

512
00:27:22.480 --> 00:27:24.280
You're empathetic.

513
00:27:24.280 --> 00:27:26.160
You deeply feel the pain

514
00:27:26.160 --> 00:27:28.800
and the emotions of other people you're loving

515
00:27:28.800 --> 00:27:30.680
and you're emotionally tuned in.

516
00:27:30.680 --> 00:27:32.320
I just wanna let you know, that's a pro.

517
00:27:32.320 --> 00:27:35.240
That's beautiful to be that way

518
00:27:35.240 --> 00:27:37.080
for those of you that said you were anxious.

519
00:27:37.080 --> 00:27:38.880
Go ahead, while we're writing, just put your hand up

520
00:27:38.880 --> 00:27:40.520
if you said you were an anxious attacher.

521
00:27:40.520 --> 00:27:41.880
Let's see it.

522
00:27:41.880 --> 00:27:43.560
And then the con to that is,

523
00:27:43.560 --> 00:27:46.160
is that because of that ability

524
00:27:46.160 --> 00:27:49.240
to make emotional connection easily and quickly,

525
00:27:49.240 --> 00:27:51.560
you usually move too fast

526
00:27:51.560 --> 00:27:54.720
and you misinterpret the signals

527
00:27:56.480 --> 00:27:58.600
that a lot of times are neutral.

528
00:27:58.600 --> 00:28:00.080
They're neutral signals.

529
00:28:00.080 --> 00:28:03.360
Let's say that they're normal people signals, okay?

530
00:28:03.360 --> 00:28:06.840
Normal people have jobs that they go to

531
00:28:06.840 --> 00:28:09.600
that they're not texting you all day long, right?

532
00:28:09.600 --> 00:28:12.080
Listen, anxious attachers love to be love bombed.

533
00:28:12.080 --> 00:28:14.680
If they're love bombers, they love to love bomb

534
00:28:14.680 --> 00:28:16.240
and then they love to be love bombed

535
00:28:16.240 --> 00:28:17.680
because that makes them feel attached.

536
00:28:17.680 --> 00:28:18.880
It makes them feel like this person

537
00:28:18.880 --> 00:28:19.880
just can't get enough of them.

538
00:28:19.880 --> 00:28:21.920
They're just excited about them.

539
00:28:21.920 --> 00:28:23.560
But as soon as someone does something normal,

540
00:28:23.560 --> 00:28:27.520
like take a shower and not be on their phone

541
00:28:27.520 --> 00:28:29.240
for an hour and 45 minutes,

542
00:28:29.240 --> 00:28:32.440
you're fricking texting them asking, what happened?

543
00:28:33.760 --> 00:28:35.160
What happened?

544
00:28:35.160 --> 00:28:37.320
Nothing happened, okay?

545
00:28:37.320 --> 00:28:39.520
Bro needed to wash his stuff.

546
00:28:39.520 --> 00:28:40.560
That's what happened.

547
00:28:40.560 --> 00:28:42.600
He needed to get clean.

548
00:28:43.760 --> 00:28:46.720
I can't tell you how many people start to freak out

549
00:28:46.720 --> 00:28:48.440
when they haven't heard from someone

550
00:28:48.440 --> 00:28:50.600
in a normal amount of time.

551
00:28:50.600 --> 00:28:52.960
So a lot of times the con to anxious attachment

552
00:28:52.960 --> 00:28:54.800
is you are gonna misinterpret

553
00:28:54.800 --> 00:28:57.640
even normal behavior of other people

554
00:28:58.720 --> 00:29:02.520
because you're used to really unhealthy stuff, right?

555
00:29:02.520 --> 00:29:05.200
You're operating in unhealthy stuff

556
00:29:05.200 --> 00:29:08.240
and you're used to unhealthy stuff as well.

557
00:29:08.240 --> 00:29:11.600
Okay, and then guys, listen,

558
00:29:11.600 --> 00:29:13.160
I just wanna tell you something.

559
00:29:13.160 --> 00:29:14.960
A lot of women are anxious attachers,

560
00:29:14.960 --> 00:29:17.920
but the men that are anxious attachers,

561
00:29:18.400 --> 00:29:20.800
that looks even worse on you, okay?

562
00:29:20.800 --> 00:29:22.680
You're the guys that run in quick,

563
00:29:22.680 --> 00:29:23.920
you're love bombing,

564
00:29:23.920 --> 00:29:26.360
you're saying, I think that you're my future wife.

565
00:29:26.360 --> 00:29:28.120
You're saying all kinds of stuff

566
00:29:28.120 --> 00:29:30.560
from the very beginning of a connection.

567
00:29:30.560 --> 00:29:32.440
You're putting way too much onus on it.

568
00:29:32.440 --> 00:29:35.720
You're talking about the future on the first date

569
00:29:35.720 --> 00:29:38.760
like six months from now, a year from now.

570
00:29:38.760 --> 00:29:41.680
One guy, listen, one lady that I private coach,

571
00:29:41.680 --> 00:29:46.280
the first date, this guy sent her the love song

572
00:29:47.240 --> 00:29:51.680
that his favorite love song

573
00:29:51.680 --> 00:29:53.920
and said that it would be a great song

574
00:29:53.920 --> 00:29:55.640
for them to play at their wedding.

575
00:29:57.240 --> 00:30:00.120
Now, spoiler alert, they just got engaged.

576
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:00.840
Aged.

577
00:30:02.160 --> 00:30:04.440
But this was on the first date.

578
00:30:04.440 --> 00:30:07.200
And had he not had a lot of other green flags,

579
00:30:07.200 --> 00:30:08.840
look, just because you're an anxious attacher

580
00:30:08.840 --> 00:30:11.240
does not mean that you cannot be loved

581
00:30:11.240 --> 00:30:12.680
or that you're worthy of love.

582
00:30:12.680 --> 00:30:13.560
You are.

583
00:30:13.560 --> 00:30:15.400
But there was a lot of things that had to happen

584
00:30:15.400 --> 00:30:17.240
to get to where they are now.

585
00:30:17.240 --> 00:30:19.120
And it doesn't, just because you're, you know,

586
00:30:19.120 --> 00:30:20.960
attaching in an unhealthy way

587
00:30:20.960 --> 00:30:23.320
doesn't mean that it can't work out.

588
00:30:23.320 --> 00:30:24.760
Doesn't mean that it can't work out.

589
00:30:24.760 --> 00:30:26.960
But there's just a lot that has to be uncovered

590
00:30:26.960 --> 00:30:28.080
in order to get there.

591
00:30:28.160 --> 00:30:30.040
But that happened on the first date.

592
00:30:30.040 --> 00:30:32.600
Well, we could play this at our wedding.

593
00:30:32.600 --> 00:30:33.440
Excuse me?

594
00:30:34.600 --> 00:30:35.640
What?

595
00:30:35.640 --> 00:30:36.560
No.

596
00:30:36.560 --> 00:30:37.400
Okay.

597
00:30:37.400 --> 00:30:38.240
Avoidance.

598
00:30:38.240 --> 00:30:39.240
Here's your pro.

599
00:30:39.240 --> 00:30:40.760
For those of you that are avoidant,

600
00:30:40.760 --> 00:30:41.760
you're independent.

601
00:30:43.280 --> 00:30:45.440
God didn't create you to be independent,

602
00:30:45.440 --> 00:30:46.280
but guess what?

603
00:30:46.280 --> 00:30:48.160
You can get a lot of stuff done.

604
00:30:48.160 --> 00:30:49.000
That's good.

605
00:30:49.000 --> 00:30:49.840
You're a go-getter.

606
00:30:49.840 --> 00:30:50.960
You're a can-doer.

607
00:30:50.960 --> 00:30:52.040
That's awesome.

608
00:30:52.040 --> 00:30:55.000
And usually avoidant people have a more calm,

609
00:30:55.880 --> 00:30:57.600
that's because they're not really in touch

610
00:30:58.080 --> 00:30:59.440
with their emotional center.

611
00:31:00.600 --> 00:31:03.240
This is what allows them to disengage so quickly.

612
00:31:03.240 --> 00:31:05.440
You know, I can really tell if someone's avoidant.

613
00:31:05.440 --> 00:31:07.600
They date someone for like nine months.

614
00:31:07.600 --> 00:31:08.800
It gets really serious.

615
00:31:08.800 --> 00:31:10.720
It's like even talking about marriage

616
00:31:10.720 --> 00:31:12.400
and then there's a breakup.

617
00:31:12.400 --> 00:31:14.880
And then afterwards I say to them,

618
00:31:14.880 --> 00:31:16.520
do you know, do you miss them?

619
00:31:16.520 --> 00:31:17.360
No.

620
00:31:20.440 --> 00:31:23.880
If you, listen, if you are in a serious relationship

621
00:31:23.880 --> 00:31:26.160
or even a semi-serious relationship,

622
00:31:26.160 --> 00:31:28.800
that's not abusive, okay?

623
00:31:28.800 --> 00:31:30.440
Just a regular relationship.

624
00:31:30.440 --> 00:31:32.160
And it breaks off for whatever reason,

625
00:31:32.160 --> 00:31:33.560
can't go forward together.

626
00:31:33.560 --> 00:31:35.400
And you don't grieve it.

627
00:31:35.400 --> 00:31:38.280
There's no grieving that happens after that loss.

628
00:31:38.280 --> 00:31:41.200
You're probably an avoidant or disorganized.

629
00:31:42.240 --> 00:31:43.080
Why?

630
00:31:43.080 --> 00:31:44.720
Because you never attached.

631
00:31:44.720 --> 00:31:46.200
That's why you don't miss them.

632
00:31:46.200 --> 00:31:47.680
You never really let them in.

633
00:31:47.680 --> 00:31:49.640
Does that make sense to everyone?

634
00:31:49.640 --> 00:31:52.360
You never let them in.

635
00:31:52.360 --> 00:31:53.880
And that's also why the relationship ended

636
00:31:53.880 --> 00:31:55.800
because it can't go forward if you don't let them in.

637
00:31:56.520 --> 00:31:58.640
So you're calm a lot of times.

638
00:31:58.640 --> 00:32:02.360
A lot of times people that have avoidant attachment

639
00:32:02.360 --> 00:32:06.680
have pretty strong standards and values

640
00:32:06.680 --> 00:32:08.440
and usually pretty good boundaries.

641
00:32:09.480 --> 00:32:10.880
That's a pro.

642
00:32:10.880 --> 00:32:12.280
Here's the con.

643
00:32:12.280 --> 00:32:14.240
They struggle with emotional vulnerability

644
00:32:14.240 --> 00:32:16.040
and that's huge friends.

645
00:32:16.040 --> 00:32:17.240
That's huge for a relationship.

646
00:32:17.240 --> 00:32:18.480
You have to be able to be vulnerable.

647
00:32:18.480 --> 00:32:19.480
Write this down.

648
00:32:19.480 --> 00:32:21.600
The number one thing that you are looking for

649
00:32:21.600 --> 00:32:23.960
in a partner is vulnerability.

650
00:32:23.960 --> 00:32:25.480
That's the number one thing.

651
00:32:26.160 --> 00:32:27.520
Can they open up to you?

652
00:32:27.520 --> 00:32:30.320
Not on the first date, all the TMI,

653
00:32:30.320 --> 00:32:33.000
but can they, are they showing signs

654
00:32:33.000 --> 00:32:37.400
of being able to let you into their world?

655
00:32:37.400 --> 00:32:38.240
Can they?

656
00:32:38.240 --> 00:32:39.760
Okay.

657
00:32:39.760 --> 00:32:43.160
So struggles with vulnerability and avoids the talk.

658
00:32:44.040 --> 00:32:47.720
Avoidant people will avoid,

659
00:32:47.720 --> 00:32:49.120
see what I did there?

660
00:32:49.120 --> 00:32:53.120
They will avoid putting a label on the relationship

661
00:32:53.120 --> 00:32:56.280
for as long as humanly possible.

662
00:32:56.280 --> 00:32:58.680
They will avoid making any kind of promises,

663
00:32:58.680 --> 00:33:00.600
whether overt or covert.

664
00:33:00.600 --> 00:33:02.560
They will avoid talking about the future.

665
00:33:02.560 --> 00:33:05.560
They will avoid making plans that are too future-based.

666
00:33:07.080 --> 00:33:08.680
They will not give you clarity.

667
00:33:10.440 --> 00:33:12.960
If you are in a relationship with an avoidant person,

668
00:33:12.960 --> 00:33:14.760
you will think it's connection,

669
00:33:14.760 --> 00:33:16.600
but it will really just be confusion.

670
00:33:18.920 --> 00:33:20.360
All right?

671
00:33:20.360 --> 00:33:21.400
Okay.

672
00:33:21.400 --> 00:33:22.560
All right, secure.

673
00:33:22.960 --> 00:33:23.800
Here's your pros.

674
00:33:23.800 --> 00:33:28.600
You communicate your needs very clearly.

675
00:33:28.600 --> 00:33:30.160
This is what secure folks do.

676
00:33:30.160 --> 00:33:32.000
And remember, we can think like secure people,

677
00:33:32.000 --> 00:33:33.720
even if we're not.

678
00:33:33.720 --> 00:33:34.560
You're like, well, Jackie,

679
00:33:34.560 --> 00:33:36.360
can't we just become secure attachers?

680
00:33:38.960 --> 00:33:42.480
Attachment, according to theory,

681
00:33:42.480 --> 00:33:45.200
is formed very, very young.

682
00:33:45.200 --> 00:33:48.440
So your ways of attaching,

683
00:33:48.440 --> 00:33:50.200
it's kind of like your ways of walking.

684
00:33:50.240 --> 00:33:53.720
Can you put some Dr. Scholls in your shoes

685
00:33:53.720 --> 00:33:56.040
and stop walking with your feet turned inward?

686
00:33:58.160 --> 00:33:59.080
When my daughter was young,

687
00:33:59.080 --> 00:34:01.800
my mom's like, get some stride rights on her.

688
00:34:01.800 --> 00:34:03.280
You're gonna make her bow-legged.

689
00:34:03.280 --> 00:34:04.120
You're gonna do this.

690
00:34:04.120 --> 00:34:04.960
You're gonna do that.

691
00:34:04.960 --> 00:34:06.080
And I never really thought it was important

692
00:34:06.080 --> 00:34:07.360
what kind of shoes you put on babies

693
00:34:07.360 --> 00:34:08.199
when they're learning to walk,

694
00:34:08.199 --> 00:34:10.000
but learning to walk,

695
00:34:10.000 --> 00:34:11.159
that's the way you're gonna walk

696
00:34:11.159 --> 00:34:13.360
for the rest of your life, okay?

697
00:34:13.360 --> 00:34:14.719
So if you walk like this,

698
00:34:14.719 --> 00:34:15.800
if you walk like that,

699
00:34:15.800 --> 00:34:16.880
if you walk like this,

700
00:34:16.880 --> 00:34:18.920
if you walk like that, okay?

701
00:34:18.920 --> 00:34:20.199
So it's kind of like attachment

702
00:34:20.199 --> 00:34:23.920
in the way that you still probably

703
00:34:23.920 --> 00:34:28.040
are going to have those impulses

704
00:34:28.040 --> 00:34:30.120
to that type of attachment,

705
00:34:30.120 --> 00:34:31.320
but just like walking,

706
00:34:31.320 --> 00:34:32.719
like when you think about it,

707
00:34:32.719 --> 00:34:33.719
you can straighten out.

708
00:34:33.719 --> 00:34:34.600
You know what I'm saying?

709
00:34:34.600 --> 00:34:36.159
Like if you're self-aware,

710
00:34:36.159 --> 00:34:38.120
you can self-correct,

711
00:34:38.120 --> 00:34:40.760
just to make sure that you don't over-correct.

712
00:34:40.760 --> 00:34:42.600
Not with just walking, not walking, of course,

713
00:34:42.600 --> 00:34:46.440
but with some people, like if they're anxious,

714
00:34:46.440 --> 00:34:49.360
they'll over-correct by starting to act avoidant.

715
00:34:49.360 --> 00:34:52.239
They'll wait a half hour, 45 minutes

716
00:34:52.239 --> 00:34:53.520
before texting back.

717
00:34:53.520 --> 00:34:54.600
They'll wait a couple of days.

718
00:34:54.600 --> 00:34:56.120
They'll start making rules for themselves

719
00:34:56.120 --> 00:34:56.960
to over-correct.

720
00:34:56.960 --> 00:34:58.760
No, secure people don't do that.

721
00:34:58.760 --> 00:35:00.080
They're secure people.

722
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:04.000
People communicate their needs clearly and they build slow and steady.

723
00:35:04.000 --> 00:35:05.000
That's their pro.

724
00:35:05.000 --> 00:35:06.000
Here's their con.

725
00:35:06.000 --> 00:35:11.520
They may not feel exciting at first to those who are used to drama.

726
00:35:11.520 --> 00:35:16.520
If you meet someone who's a secure attach, they may seem a little bit like vanilla in

727
00:35:16.520 --> 00:35:20.080
a rocky road world.

728
00:35:20.080 --> 00:35:27.760
You know, you're at Baskin Robbins and there's 31 flavors and you ain't going to pick vanilla.

729
00:35:27.760 --> 00:35:29.720
No.

730
00:35:29.720 --> 00:35:32.280
That's what they might seem like unexciting.

731
00:35:32.280 --> 00:35:38.960
But I promise you, because my husband is a secure attach and he definitely, I mean when

732
00:35:38.960 --> 00:35:44.920
I realized about, I don't know, six months into our marriage that I was never going to

733
00:35:44.920 --> 00:35:50.680
have a reason to call my girlfriends and cry all night on the phone and drink a box of

734
00:35:50.680 --> 00:35:51.680
wine.

735
00:35:51.680 --> 00:35:52.680
Yes.

736
00:35:52.680 --> 00:35:56.160
I said a box of wine, not a bottle because wine came in boxes back then.

737
00:35:56.160 --> 00:35:58.200
The real good stuff, right?

738
00:35:58.200 --> 00:36:01.080
And listen to Dave Matthews and cry.

739
00:36:01.080 --> 00:36:05.440
When I realized that I was never going to be on that roller coaster anymore, there was

740
00:36:05.440 --> 00:36:09.320
a little grieving process, a little bit of grieving process.

741
00:36:09.320 --> 00:36:10.320
You know why?

742
00:36:10.320 --> 00:36:17.680
Because anxious attachers, while they want love, they also love the drama.

743
00:36:17.680 --> 00:36:18.680
They love it.

744
00:36:18.680 --> 00:36:21.600
They live for the drama.

745
00:36:21.600 --> 00:36:22.920
They do.

746
00:36:22.920 --> 00:36:24.320
Okay.

747
00:36:24.320 --> 00:36:26.120
And then disorganized.

748
00:36:26.120 --> 00:36:28.320
Here's your pro you're intuitive.

749
00:36:28.320 --> 00:36:29.580
You're passionate.

750
00:36:29.580 --> 00:36:34.880
You're often spiritual seekers because remember we have that, that anxious part of us, right?

751
00:36:34.880 --> 00:36:37.040
That's emotionally empathic.

752
00:36:37.040 --> 00:36:43.160
But then the con is you can feel chaotic or stable in early relationships to other people,

753
00:36:43.160 --> 00:36:44.160
to other people.

754
00:36:44.160 --> 00:36:49.720
You can feel, you know, relationally bipolar.

755
00:36:49.720 --> 00:36:50.720
I love you.

756
00:36:50.720 --> 00:36:51.720
Let's cuddle.

757
00:36:51.720 --> 00:36:54.480
I'm going to break up with you because you're not committed to purity.

758
00:36:54.480 --> 00:36:58.720
I know I asked you to cuddle, but I'm just feeling like this is not the right match anymore

759
00:36:58.720 --> 00:37:05.280
because I can't trust you because you cuddled me after I asked you to what you guys, just

760
00:37:05.280 --> 00:37:08.680
so you know, all the names have been changed, but these are real life scenarios that I coach

761
00:37:08.680 --> 00:37:10.600
every single day.

762
00:37:10.600 --> 00:37:12.600
All right.

763
00:37:12.600 --> 00:37:14.000
Real life scenarios.

764
00:37:14.000 --> 00:37:17.840
That is a disorganized attacher right there.

765
00:37:17.840 --> 00:37:23.040
You want, you're going to force connection and even physical intimacy, maybe not sex,

766
00:37:23.280 --> 00:37:26.600
but some version of physical intimacy, whatever it takes for you to feel secure.

767
00:37:26.600 --> 00:37:31.680
And then you're going to push it away all probably within the same 24 hours.

768
00:37:31.680 --> 00:37:32.680
No.

769
00:37:32.680 --> 00:37:36.040
All right.

770
00:37:36.040 --> 00:37:40.720
So if you're anxious, you guys, here are some tips on early relationship, and then we're

771
00:37:40.720 --> 00:37:41.720
going to play a game.

772
00:37:41.720 --> 00:37:44.480
So you guys want to play a game?

773
00:37:44.480 --> 00:37:46.440
Who's learning something and anything?

774
00:37:46.440 --> 00:37:48.000
We're just going to laugh until we learn something.

775
00:37:48.000 --> 00:37:50.000
We just want to laugh until we learn something.

776
00:37:50.000 --> 00:37:51.000
Okay.

777
00:37:51.000 --> 00:37:52.000
All right.

778
00:37:52.000 --> 00:37:54.560
So here are the tips for those of you that said you were anxious.

779
00:37:54.560 --> 00:37:58.920
These, these are tips for early in the connection.

780
00:37:58.920 --> 00:38:04.120
Do not build a fantasy in your mind before having the facts about this person before

781
00:38:04.120 --> 00:38:05.520
really getting to know them.

782
00:38:05.520 --> 00:38:10.120
Do not allow yourself, look, you're going to have to stop yourself.

783
00:38:10.120 --> 00:38:12.200
Do not allow yourself to start reading the signs.

784
00:38:12.200 --> 00:38:13.760
Oh my gosh.

785
00:38:13.760 --> 00:38:19.460
Oh, you know, God told me he was going to send me a Prince and this guy's name is William

786
00:38:19.460 --> 00:38:21.100
and Prince William is a person.

787
00:38:21.100 --> 00:38:28.420
So it must be the person don't start telling yourself stories and looking for the signs.

788
00:38:28.420 --> 00:38:29.940
I just drove by a street sign.

789
00:38:29.940 --> 00:38:32.460
It said, William, it must be the guy.

790
00:38:32.460 --> 00:38:34.420
Don't do it gentlemen.

791
00:38:34.420 --> 00:38:39.860
You don't usually do this as much, but don't start imagining, you know, whatever it is

792
00:38:39.860 --> 00:38:40.860
you guys imagined.

793
00:38:40.860 --> 00:38:42.660
I don't even want to ask.

794
00:38:42.660 --> 00:38:43.660
Okay.

795
00:38:43.660 --> 00:38:50.500
So bottom line is don't do it, wait, and it's going to be really hard for you anxious

796
00:38:50.500 --> 00:38:53.700
attachers, but I'm going to, I'm going to put this precedent here.

797
00:38:53.700 --> 00:39:01.860
Do not make someone exclusive with you until you've been dating for at least, especially

798
00:39:01.860 --> 00:39:08.620
if you're really bad, anxious attacher, at least 60 days, at least 60 days, preferably

799
00:39:08.620 --> 00:39:09.620
90.

800
00:39:09.620 --> 00:39:10.860
What is that?

801
00:39:10.860 --> 00:39:14.220
That's three months.

802
00:39:14.220 --> 00:39:15.420
Am I telling you not to date them?

803
00:39:15.420 --> 00:39:16.420
No.

804
00:39:16.420 --> 00:39:20.820
I'm telling you not to make them your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your one, the exclusive relationship,

805
00:39:20.820 --> 00:39:24.020
the level three exclusivity.

806
00:39:24.020 --> 00:39:26.460
Don't do it.

807
00:39:26.460 --> 00:39:30.740
And then ladies, this is for you.

808
00:39:30.740 --> 00:39:37.420
Give the men room to do the very thing that you're saying you want them to do.

809
00:39:37.420 --> 00:39:44.780
And that is to intentionally seek you out, give room for them.

810
00:39:44.780 --> 00:39:48.620
You know, when I was little, when I was a little kid, my, my mom used to say, let him

811
00:39:48.620 --> 00:39:52.620
miss you, let him miss you for a second.

812
00:39:52.620 --> 00:39:54.420
That's not playing a game.

813
00:39:54.420 --> 00:39:55.420
He's not going to miss you.

814
00:39:55.420 --> 00:39:59.300
If you're texting him 200 times a day.

815
00:39:59.300 --> 00:40:00.020
Can I tell you something?

816
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:05.120
men have, the truth is, is that men have fewer words than women. And so if you're constantly

817
00:40:05.120 --> 00:40:09.840
showing up needing affirmation, especially verbal affirmation, needing to talk, needing this,

818
00:40:09.840 --> 00:40:20.800
needing that. Okay. And he only has 563 days, a 63 words today, and you list used up 542 of them.

819
00:40:20.800 --> 00:40:26.880
How's he going to keep his job? He has no words left to talk. Nothing. It's gone.

820
00:40:26.880 --> 00:40:33.600
So he's going to start feeling overwhelmed. Men, listen, you have to hear me. Men start

821
00:40:33.600 --> 00:40:42.320
feeling emotionally overwhelmed by connection really easily. Right? You can go on and on and

822
00:40:42.320 --> 00:40:47.600
on. You're like the emotional energizer bunny. No, especially not early in relationship. Do not

823
00:40:47.600 --> 00:40:52.880
do that. Give him a room, give him room to miss you. Give him room to intentionally seek you out.

824
00:40:53.360 --> 00:41:00.880
Okay. Don't over-text. Please, please don't do this for any of you that do this,

825
00:41:01.600 --> 00:41:06.560
go ahead and tell me if you do it in the chat. Cause I want to know, don't check their socials.

826
00:41:08.160 --> 00:41:12.800
If you haven't heard from them, Oh, where's he at? This is usually for more of a Gen Z kind

827
00:41:12.800 --> 00:41:18.880
of younger millennial crowd. And that's why it's in my book. Um, but don't go looking at

828
00:41:18.880 --> 00:41:25.680
their socials. Okay. Don't go looking at their socials to see what they're doing. Instead of

829
00:41:25.680 --> 00:41:29.760
hanging out with you, man, they didn't ask me on a date this weekend. What are they doing this

830
00:41:29.760 --> 00:41:37.520
weekend? That's better than hanging out with me. All right. Okay. And then what I want you to do

831
00:41:37.520 --> 00:41:45.440
is I want you to practice thinking like a secure person. And if that means writing yourself,

832
00:41:45.440 --> 00:41:51.120
what I call secure scripts, then go ahead and do that. Write yourself out a couple bullet points

833
00:41:52.480 --> 00:41:58.720
of how you would respond if you were responding from a place of security. Cause remember friends,

834
00:41:58.720 --> 00:42:06.960
we all are accepted in the beloved. We all are whole in Christ. We are secure. We are loved.

835
00:42:06.960 --> 00:42:11.440
We are wanted. We are seen, we are known all of those things. And you have to approach

836
00:42:11.440 --> 00:42:20.640
relationship from that place. So write yourself out a few scripts of what it would sound like to,

837
00:42:20.640 --> 00:42:27.440
to respond securely. What does secure people do? They, they ask for what they need very clearly.

838
00:42:27.440 --> 00:42:32.560
So what would that look like in early relationship? It would look like you saying, Hey,

839
00:42:32.560 --> 00:42:38.240
you know, um, you said you wanted to go out again. Like they say, Hey, I'd like to see you again. You

840
00:42:38.240 --> 00:42:43.280
just say, Hey, that would be great. Um, just to let you know, um, I, I have, I have a really busy

841
00:42:43.280 --> 00:42:48.000
season at work right now. And so if you want to go out again, just, I would just ask that you just

842
00:42:48.000 --> 00:42:53.120
let me know, you know, at least, you know, by Monday and Tuesday, if you want for the weekend

843
00:42:53.120 --> 00:42:57.200
or like whatever your boundary is, you guys, that's completely permissible. Hey, I can't,

844
00:42:57.200 --> 00:43:01.360
I can't really do spontaneous or last minute stuff right now. Not that I'm not spontaneous, but I

845
00:43:01.360 --> 00:43:08.160
can't because I have a, you know, um, a child, I have this, I have that, whatever, and let them

846
00:43:08.160 --> 00:43:12.720
know. What is your boundary? What's your secure script? You're asking for what you need. If you

847
00:43:12.720 --> 00:43:21.920
want to see me, these are the rules around seeing me. Makes sense. Okay. So we can practice some

848
00:43:21.920 --> 00:43:27.840
secure scripts for all of you guys that are not secure. Attachers later. Here's avoidant. Here's

849
00:43:27.840 --> 00:43:34.880
some tips for early connection. Don't pull away just because you're excited about them.

850
00:43:36.320 --> 00:43:42.160
Don't start to pull away just because you're like, Oh, I'm excited. I'm excited about them.

851
00:43:42.160 --> 00:43:47.760
Okay. That's not a red flag. When something starts to get real and feel real. That's not

852
00:43:47.760 --> 00:43:55.520
a red flag. That's called intimacy. That's called intimacy. You might start to think,

853
00:43:55.520 --> 00:43:58.640
Oh, you know, what's wrong with this person?

854
00:44:00.720 --> 00:44:04.880
I'm starting to really, I'm starting to really think about them. Oh, I better stop that. No,

855
00:44:04.880 --> 00:44:11.040
that's called intimacy. Now, if you need space because you're starting to freak out, just be

856
00:44:11.040 --> 00:44:17.920
honest. Can you believe it? You're allowed to be honest. You're allowed to communicate your needs.

857
00:44:18.640 --> 00:44:27.120
You're allowed to say, Hey, I have never, you know, gone on five dates in a week and it's

858
00:44:27.120 --> 00:44:31.360
starting to freak me out a little bit. And so just want to let you know that I'm going to take

859
00:44:31.360 --> 00:44:36.640
the weekend and hang out with my family or hang out with my friends or do whatever. Um, you know,

860
00:44:36.640 --> 00:44:43.360
but don't worry, but don't disappear. Ask for space. Not like, Oh, you take time to pray and

861
00:44:43.360 --> 00:44:50.560
fast and see if God says you're the one. No. Okay. It's okay to take a couple of days off

862
00:44:50.560 --> 00:44:54.480
when you've been on a marathon date, just let them know you're taking a couple of days off

863
00:44:55.200 --> 00:44:59.840
and then don't disappear. Don't disappear. All right. Don't disappear.

864
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:04.240
Here, if you put right now, I want to see hands of,

865
00:45:04.240 --> 00:45:07.620
if you've ever ghosted someone because you just,

866
00:45:09.200 --> 00:45:11.840
not because they were abusive or toxic or anything,

867
00:45:11.840 --> 00:45:15.000
you just ghosted them because you just weren't,

868
00:45:15.000 --> 00:45:16.920
you just want it to end the thing,

869
00:45:16.920 --> 00:45:18.880
but you didn't want to have the conversations.

870
00:45:18.880 --> 00:45:20.560
You didn't want to hurt their feelings

871
00:45:20.560 --> 00:45:24.880
or you felt, you know, embarrassed about it or whatever.

872
00:45:24.880 --> 00:45:27.080
So you just disappeared.

873
00:45:28.080 --> 00:45:30.080
Okay, that's way too many people.

874
00:45:31.960 --> 00:45:34.560
Guys, that's not, that's not Christ-like.

875
00:45:36.120 --> 00:45:37.920
This is why people become anxious attachers,

876
00:45:37.920 --> 00:45:40.120
because people ghost them and disappear.

877
00:45:40.120 --> 00:45:43.200
Okay, and a lot of times, friends,

878
00:45:43.200 --> 00:45:45.360
if you are an anxious attacher,

879
00:45:45.360 --> 00:45:47.200
that's the people that get ghosted.

880
00:45:48.080 --> 00:45:49.200
They're the people that get ghosted

881
00:45:49.200 --> 00:45:50.680
because you've just become too much.

882
00:45:50.680 --> 00:45:52.240
Now the person doesn't even know what to do with you,

883
00:45:52.240 --> 00:45:54.480
so they just disappear, all right?

884
00:45:54.480 --> 00:45:59.400
So please do yourself a favor, slow your roll.

885
00:45:59.400 --> 00:46:01.960
Okay, and then last, lean into connection

886
00:46:01.960 --> 00:46:04.520
instead of always defaulting to alone time,

887
00:46:04.520 --> 00:46:06.280
even if it's not romantic connection.

888
00:46:06.280 --> 00:46:08.920
All of you avoidant attachers,

889
00:46:08.920 --> 00:46:11.720
I want you to really make it a point

890
00:46:11.720 --> 00:46:14.920
to get into more connection with others.

891
00:46:15.920 --> 00:46:17.600
A lot of times avoidant people

892
00:46:17.600 --> 00:46:22.240
have a tendency to be real loners, safer, right?

893
00:46:22.680 --> 00:46:26.480
So lean into friendships, lean into community.

894
00:46:26.480 --> 00:46:28.960
This is what's gonna help you to overcome some of this.

895
00:46:28.960 --> 00:46:31.200
All right, so if you're a disorganized attacher,

896
00:46:31.200 --> 00:46:33.120
here's some tips for you.

897
00:46:35.640 --> 00:46:37.280
Keep it here, okay?

898
00:46:38.400 --> 00:46:42.040
Remember that scene in Hitch where, you know,

899
00:46:42.040 --> 00:46:44.600
he's like, he wants them to stay right here dancing.

900
00:46:44.600 --> 00:46:46.400
He doesn't want any make the pizza,

901
00:46:46.400 --> 00:46:48.320
make the pizza, none of that.

902
00:46:48.320 --> 00:46:50.800
All right, for you guys, on the first couple dates,

903
00:46:50.800 --> 00:46:52.760
there's no make the pizza, all right?

904
00:46:52.760 --> 00:46:54.760
You're just gonna, right here, this is where you live.

905
00:46:54.760 --> 00:46:56.480
This is where you live, okay?

906
00:46:56.480 --> 00:46:57.320
This is where you live.

907
00:46:57.320 --> 00:47:00.080
If you were a dance, this is where you live.

908
00:47:00.080 --> 00:47:01.240
Keep it grounded.

909
00:47:01.240 --> 00:47:02.840
Intense is not hot.

910
00:47:03.800 --> 00:47:07.520
It's not, right?

911
00:47:07.520 --> 00:47:08.760
And then get support.

912
00:47:10.000 --> 00:47:11.920
Journal the things that you're thinking

913
00:47:11.920 --> 00:47:14.560
and show them to someone who's a little more sane than you

914
00:47:14.560 --> 00:47:17.360
and say, hey, does this sound right?

915
00:47:17.480 --> 00:47:21.800
Let other people into your process with you.

916
00:47:21.800 --> 00:47:25.120
Does this sound right?

917
00:47:25.120 --> 00:47:29.840
And they'll be like, no, no, it doesn't, okay?

918
00:47:29.840 --> 00:47:32.360
Talk to a coach, show up in community.

919
00:47:32.360 --> 00:47:34.480
We wanna hear your crazy thoughts.

920
00:47:34.480 --> 00:47:36.120
Tell us, we're gonna be nice.

921
00:47:36.120 --> 00:47:38.200
I promise you, we're gonna help you.

922
00:47:38.200 --> 00:47:40.240
And then don't blow it up

923
00:47:40.240 --> 00:47:43.240
before giving it a chance to stabilize.

924
00:47:43.240 --> 00:47:45.280
Don't just blow up the whole thing, okay?

925
00:47:45.280 --> 00:47:47.840
Disorganized attachers have a tendency to just,

926
00:47:47.840 --> 00:47:50.280
ooh, go big or go home.

927
00:47:52.040 --> 00:47:53.160
Go big or go home.

928
00:47:53.160 --> 00:47:55.400
Don't, don't, you guys.

929
00:47:55.400 --> 00:47:56.240
Okay.

930
00:47:58.760 --> 00:48:00.400
Okay, I wanna see where I wanna go here.

931
00:48:00.400 --> 00:48:01.520
We're at 749.

932
00:48:01.520 --> 00:48:03.160
I definitely wanna play the game.

933
00:48:15.280 --> 00:48:16.120
Okay.

934
00:48:21.680 --> 00:48:23.800
Okay, so I think I'm gonna put you in breakout rooms.

935
00:48:23.800 --> 00:48:25.680
Would that be all right?

936
00:48:25.680 --> 00:48:27.040
Okay, I'm gonna put you in breakout rooms

937
00:48:27.040 --> 00:48:28.360
and here's your breakout.

938
00:48:28.360 --> 00:48:30.040
Here's the question.

939
00:48:30.040 --> 00:48:31.160
Which attachment style?

940
00:48:31.160 --> 00:48:32.560
You're gonna share attachment style

941
00:48:32.560 --> 00:48:33.520
with the other people in your room.

942
00:48:33.520 --> 00:48:34.800
There might be one other person.

943
00:48:34.800 --> 00:48:36.880
There might be two other people.

944
00:48:36.880 --> 00:48:38.480
Share your attachment style

945
00:48:39.640 --> 00:48:42.720
that you resonate with most in early dating.

946
00:48:42.760 --> 00:48:44.160
Maybe you become more secure

947
00:48:44.160 --> 00:48:45.960
as you're in longer periods of dating.

948
00:48:45.960 --> 00:48:48.200
In early dating, right when you're meeting someone,

949
00:48:48.200 --> 00:48:50.760
do you show up anxious if you like them?

950
00:48:50.760 --> 00:48:53.080
Do you show up avoidant if you like them?

951
00:48:53.080 --> 00:48:55.240
Do you show up disorganized?

952
00:48:55.240 --> 00:48:56.800
Okay, do you show up secure?

953
00:48:56.800 --> 00:48:59.280
So share that and then also share

954
00:48:59.280 --> 00:49:01.800
something that they can hold you accountable with, okay?

955
00:49:01.800 --> 00:49:04.200
What's one thing that you can do differently

956
00:49:04.200 --> 00:49:07.120
right when you meet someone and you're into them?

957
00:49:07.120 --> 00:49:08.600
Okay, you had a good date.

958
00:49:08.600 --> 00:49:10.800
Let's just say, we'll give everyone the same scenario.

959
00:49:10.800 --> 00:49:12.560
You had a really great first date.

960
00:49:13.400 --> 00:49:15.160
What's one thing that you can do differently

961
00:49:15.160 --> 00:49:18.760
besides what you've been doing to show up more securely?

962
00:49:21.400 --> 00:49:23.280
What's one thing that you can do differently

963
00:49:23.280 --> 00:49:26.960
to show up more secure in yourself,

964
00:49:26.960 --> 00:49:30.040
more confident in your value

965
00:49:30.040 --> 00:49:32.800
instead of trying to get it from someone else

966
00:49:32.800 --> 00:49:36.440
or trying to prevent someone else from trying to get it?

967
00:49:36.440 --> 00:49:37.280
What can you do?

968
00:49:37.280 --> 00:49:38.800
Does that make sense to everyone?

969
00:49:39.720 --> 00:49:41.240
Okay, I do want you guys

970
00:49:41.240 --> 00:49:43.520
to have a little interaction with each other.

971
00:49:46.040 --> 00:49:47.200
And then we're gonna play a game.

972
00:49:47.200 --> 00:49:48.120
It's gonna be fun.

973
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:21.000
Okay.

974
00:50:21.000 --> 00:50:24.000
All right. Let's see.

975
00:50:24.000 --> 00:50:50.000
I'm going to give you guys, let's see, you guys are going to be in these breakouts for about six, seven minutes. Okay.

976
00:50:50.000 --> 00:51:19.000
Okay.

977
00:51:20.000 --> 00:51:29.000
I went to go to my room, and it disappeared.

978
00:51:29.000 --> 00:51:34.000
Okay, well, let's see if we can figure it out.

979
00:51:34.000 --> 00:51:40.000
There's a little square at the top says break is that what I'm supposed to punch on face. Yes.

980
00:51:40.000 --> 00:51:48.000
Okay, sorry. Okay.

981
00:51:49.000 --> 00:51:53.000
All right, the rest of you ladies that are here.

982
00:51:53.000 --> 00:51:58.000
Are you not hitting your breakout rooms or what's happening.

983
00:51:58.000 --> 00:52:16.000
Going okay.

984
00:52:16.000 --> 00:52:40.000
Okay.

985
00:52:40.000 --> 00:52:47.000
Yeah, I said just, I don't see anybody in my group yet.

986
00:52:47.000 --> 00:53:01.000
Okay, well, they're there now hunter you just left them.

987
00:53:01.000 --> 00:53:13.000
I wasn't able to join the group fast enough Jackie. Do you have to send it again. This is Victoria.

988
00:53:13.000 --> 00:53:14.000
I'm looking.

989
00:53:14.000 --> 00:53:30.000
Okay.

990
00:53:30.000 --> 00:53:31.000
All right.

991
00:53:31.000 --> 00:53:40.000
All right, there's a bunch of you guys here so if you guys want to come on camera, we can just do a little can do a little session right here with you guys.

992
00:53:40.000 --> 00:53:46.000
If you're here, maybe you're just maybe it looks like you're here but you're not.

993
00:53:46.000 --> 00:53:48.000
Hi.

994
00:53:48.000 --> 00:53:49.000
Hi Jackie.

995
00:53:50.000 --> 00:53:59.000
Okay, so we have a couple of you that I don't know why it didn't put you guys in groups it doesn't say that you're unassigned either so it doesn't really make any sense.

996
00:53:59.000 --> 00:54:04.000
You might have some setting on your zoom that doesn't allow you to be put in a group but.

997
00:54:04.000 --> 00:54:11.000
Okay, so just real quick we'll do a round Robin what's your attachment style and early related early connection.

998
00:54:11.000 --> 00:54:23.000
Christina.

999
00:54:23.000 --> 00:54:33.000
Oh, she must not be here. How about you Kim anxious. Okay, anxious. All right, is Melanie here.

1000
00:54:34.000 --> 00:54:38.000
Ruth is here Ruth, what is yours.

1001
00:54:38.000 --> 00:54:44.000
Secure. Okay, what about you for you, Victoria.

1002
00:54:44.000 --> 00:54:46.000
Secure.

1003
00:54:46.000 --> 00:54:48.000
Okay.

1004
00:54:48.000 --> 00:54:54.000
All right. Are any of you other ladies here right now, Tammy or Christina.

1005
00:54:54.000 --> 00:54:56.000
Nanette.

1006
00:54:56.000 --> 00:55:02.000
I'm anxious. Okay.

1007
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:06.000
Okay.

1008
00:55:06.000 --> 00:55:10.000
Nina, Christina, Tammy, or.

1009
00:55:10.000 --> 00:55:12.000
I think I'm very much in the middle.

1010
00:55:12.000 --> 00:55:13.000
Probably.

1011
00:55:13.000 --> 00:55:14.000
Closest to secure.

1012
00:55:14.000 --> 00:55:17.000
In the middle of which two.

1013
00:55:17.000 --> 00:55:20.000
Of the anxious and avoidant, like.

1014
00:55:20.000 --> 00:55:22.000
I don't feel like either of those.

1015
00:55:22.000 --> 00:55:23.000
Define me really.

1016
00:55:23.000 --> 00:55:25.000
Okay.

1017
00:55:25.000 --> 00:55:31.000
Okay.

1018
00:55:31.000 --> 00:55:34.000
We have two people staying there anxious and then Melanie and

1019
00:55:34.000 --> 00:55:36.000
Christina and Tammy didn't answer.

1020
00:55:36.000 --> 00:55:37.000
Are you guys here?

1021
00:55:37.000 --> 00:55:48.000
I don't know if you're here or not.

1022
00:55:48.000 --> 00:55:52.000
And we have someone named Bethel summer. Is that.

1023
00:55:52.000 --> 00:55:58.000
Okay.

1024
00:55:58.000 --> 00:56:10.000
Bethel.

1025
00:56:10.000 --> 00:56:13.000
Okay. All right. So what's one thing that those of you that said,

1026
00:56:13.000 --> 00:56:14.000
you're secure,

1027
00:56:14.000 --> 00:56:17.000
what's one thing that you can do when you're meeting someone to help

1028
00:56:17.000 --> 00:56:20.000
them to feel, you know, that's one thing that secures do well.

1029
00:56:20.000 --> 00:56:23.000
So I'm going to ask you to show me how secure you are.

1030
00:56:23.000 --> 00:56:25.000
And then we're going to go into the next one,

1031
00:56:25.000 --> 00:56:26.000
which is the anxious style.

1032
00:56:26.000 --> 00:56:27.000
So.

1033
00:56:27.000 --> 00:56:29.000
What can you do? What's one thing that you can do?

1034
00:56:29.000 --> 00:56:32.000
The next person that you meet.

1035
00:56:32.000 --> 00:56:36.000
That, you know, you feel can lead to deeper connection.

1036
00:56:36.000 --> 00:56:39.000
And then.

1037
00:56:39.000 --> 00:56:40.000
For those of you that said anxious,

1038
00:56:40.000 --> 00:56:42.000
what's one thing that you can do?

1039
00:56:42.000 --> 00:56:44.000
To show up more secure.

1040
00:56:44.000 --> 00:56:50.000
Show up.

1041
00:56:50.000 --> 00:56:53.000
What?

1042
00:56:53.000 --> 00:56:54.000
Show up just in general.

1043
00:56:54.000 --> 00:56:56.000
Yes.

1044
00:56:56.000 --> 00:56:57.000
Okay.

1045
00:56:57.000 --> 00:57:00.000
I haven't had a date.

1046
00:57:00.000 --> 00:57:02.000
Okay. So you got to show up just in general.

1047
00:57:02.000 --> 00:57:03.000
All right.

1048
00:57:03.000 --> 00:57:05.000
That's good.

1049
00:57:05.000 --> 00:57:08.000
Okay.

1050
00:57:08.000 --> 00:57:10.000
What about you, Kim anxious? What do you got?

1051
00:57:10.000 --> 00:57:12.000
Not text as much.

1052
00:57:12.000 --> 00:57:13.000
Yeah, you guys.

1053
00:57:13.000 --> 00:57:15.000
Yeah.

1054
00:57:15.000 --> 00:57:23.000
They don't.

1055
00:57:23.000 --> 00:57:25.000
First of all, most of them are not good texters.

1056
00:57:25.000 --> 00:57:27.000
So they already don't know what to answer. And when you're like,

1057
00:57:27.000 --> 00:57:30.000
continually, you know, save the conversation for in-person.

1058
00:57:30.000 --> 00:57:31.000
For as much as you can.

1059
00:57:31.000 --> 00:57:33.000
And if the guy said he wants to see you again,

1060
00:57:33.000 --> 00:57:41.000
you're just going to have to take him at his word.

1061
00:57:42.000 --> 00:57:43.000
Okay.

1062
00:57:43.000 --> 00:57:44.000
So if you're anxious,

1063
00:57:44.000 --> 00:57:46.000
you're going to have to take him at his word.

1064
00:57:46.000 --> 00:57:49.000
You need to allow that to grow and unfold and blossom.

1065
00:57:49.000 --> 00:57:58.000
You have to let it do that.

1066
00:57:58.000 --> 00:58:00.000
Because otherwise what's going to happen is you're going to get yourself

1067
00:58:00.000 --> 00:58:03.000
into a situation where you don't really know if that guy wants to be

1068
00:58:03.000 --> 00:58:05.000
there or if he just is afraid of you.

1069
00:58:05.000 --> 00:58:08.000
Okay. So, or he's just going to dip and he'll be gone.

1070
00:58:08.000 --> 00:58:09.000
And that'll be the end of it.

1071
00:58:09.000 --> 00:58:10.000
Yeah.

1072
00:58:10.000 --> 00:58:12.000
So if you're anxious, you're going to have to take him at his word.

1073
00:58:12.000 --> 00:58:14.000
And if you're not, you're going to have to take him at his word.

1074
00:58:14.000 --> 00:58:16.000
So just one thing right off the bat that you can.

1075
00:58:16.000 --> 00:58:30.000
Act more like a secure person.

1076
00:58:30.000 --> 00:58:35.000
I think the rest of us were secure. Were we not.

1077
00:58:35.000 --> 00:58:37.000
Yeah. Okay. So secure.

1078
00:58:38.000 --> 00:58:40.000
So if you're anxious, you're going to have to take him at his word.

1079
00:58:40.000 --> 00:58:42.000
And if you're not, you're going to have to take him at his word.

1080
00:58:42.000 --> 00:58:45.000
So just one thing right off the bat that you can do to make other

1081
00:58:45.000 --> 00:58:46.000
people.

1082
00:58:46.000 --> 00:58:47.000
Feel more at ease.

1083
00:58:47.000 --> 00:58:48.000
One thing you can do.

1084
00:58:48.000 --> 00:58:50.000
Ask questions, ask them.

1085
00:58:50.000 --> 00:58:55.000
About themselves so that you're not.

1086
00:58:55.000 --> 00:58:56.000
Like, I know that people,

1087
00:58:56.000 --> 00:58:59.000
a lot of times they'll just talk, talk and talk about themselves.

1088
00:58:59.000 --> 00:59:00.000
And that.

1089
00:59:00.000 --> 00:59:03.000
I think is they're nervous sometimes, you know, so if you ask.

1090
00:59:03.000 --> 00:59:06.000
The other person to tell them, tell you about themselves.

1091
00:59:06.000 --> 00:59:07.000
You know,

1092
00:59:07.000 --> 00:59:09.000
you're not going to be able to tell them about yourself.

1093
00:59:09.000 --> 00:59:11.000
As well as you being a giver.

1094
00:59:11.000 --> 00:59:12.000
Right.

1095
00:59:12.000 --> 00:59:17.000
Yeah.

1096
00:59:17.000 --> 00:59:19.000
That's pretty much what I was going to say as well.

1097
00:59:19.000 --> 00:59:35.000
Just try to meet them where they are.

1098
00:59:36.000 --> 00:59:39.000
I find that I can ask a lot of good questions.

1099
00:59:39.000 --> 00:59:42.000
I don't get men don't reciprocate questions.

1100
00:59:42.000 --> 00:59:46.000
Like I could probably tell you everything about a guy after a while of

1101
00:59:46.000 --> 00:59:47.000
talking to them.

1102
00:59:47.000 --> 00:59:50.000
And I don't think they even know, like how old my children are.

1103
00:59:50.000 --> 00:59:51.000
Does that make sense?

1104
00:59:51.000 --> 00:59:52.000
Cause I don't offer.

1105
00:59:52.000 --> 00:59:54.000
I wait for them to try and I'm trying to like,

1106
00:59:54.000 --> 00:59:57.000
get them to ask some questions or do that.

1107
00:59:57.000 --> 00:59:59.000
I don't offer a lot of information.

1108
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:03.200
necessarily like, you know, cause we're trying to keep it surface level or

1109
01:00:03.200 --> 01:00:08.280
whatever, but I find that they don't reciprocate in asking questions.

1110
01:00:08.280 --> 01:00:10.560
So what would be your suggestion on that?

1111
01:00:11.840 --> 01:00:15.600
I mean, it's just, it's, it's something that everyone says

1112
01:00:15.640 --> 01:00:17.480
that men just don't ask questions.

1113
01:00:17.480 --> 01:00:23.840
So, you know, guys, let's hear from you, you know, uh, let's see, we have, um,

1114
01:00:24.120 --> 01:00:26.440
David, you're here from Las Vegas.

1115
01:00:26.440 --> 01:00:29.200
I mean, I'm assuming, first of all, you're not a good example

1116
01:00:29.440 --> 01:00:32.040
because you definitely ask questions.

1117
01:00:32.480 --> 01:00:35.480
Um, Ty, why do you think men don't ask questions?

1118
01:00:38.880 --> 01:00:42.840
Um, why don't we think, why do you think men don't ask questions?

1119
01:00:42.880 --> 01:00:45.560
Um, sometimes we're scared of the answers.

1120
01:00:46.520 --> 01:00:47.560
Scared of the answers.

1121
01:00:47.560 --> 01:00:47.760
Yeah.

1122
01:00:47.920 --> 01:00:49.240
I mean, you know, and.

1123
01:00:53.120 --> 01:00:55.200
So Ty accidentally muted you.

1124
01:00:55.200 --> 01:00:56.040
You can unmute yourself.

1125
01:00:56.040 --> 01:01:00.040
Um, so you think that guys are purposely not asking questions?

1126
01:01:00.200 --> 01:01:04.000
Like they're like avoiding, they're avoiding any kind of trigger topics.

1127
01:01:05.640 --> 01:01:06.600
Yeah, that's a possibility.

1128
01:01:07.000 --> 01:01:08.480
I mean, I have before.

1129
01:01:09.240 --> 01:01:10.200
Yeah, no.

1130
01:01:10.520 --> 01:01:13.600
And you know, like you said, a while ago, I was talking to the, my lower group.

1131
01:01:13.800 --> 01:01:19.120
Um, I need to learn facts about people instead of building stuff

1132
01:01:19.120 --> 01:01:20.320
up in my head, that's not true.

1133
01:01:21.560 --> 01:01:22.040
Yeah.

1134
01:01:22.200 --> 01:01:24.480
And, and how am I going to do that if I don't ask questions?

1135
01:01:25.240 --> 01:01:27.280
You guys, that can go to the positive and to the negative.

1136
01:01:27.760 --> 01:01:28.360
You can build up.

1137
01:01:29.560 --> 01:01:30.000
Okay.

1138
01:01:30.000 --> 01:01:31.360
So like, Oh yeah.

1139
01:01:32.360 --> 01:01:32.560
Yeah.

1140
01:01:32.560 --> 01:01:32.880
Yeah.

1141
01:01:33.160 --> 01:01:36.280
So did you say that you're an anxious attacher or an avoidant?

1142
01:01:37.160 --> 01:01:38.280
A little bit of both.

1143
01:01:38.760 --> 01:01:39.200
Okay.

1144
01:01:39.280 --> 01:01:41.840
A little bit of both depending on the situation.

1145
01:01:42.520 --> 01:01:42.920
All right.

1146
01:01:43.240 --> 01:01:46.760
So, okay.

1147
01:01:46.760 --> 01:01:48.800
David, you tell us, go ahead.

1148
01:01:50.360 --> 01:01:51.560
It was like, I know why.

1149
01:01:52.520 --> 01:01:58.440
Uh, because we would not want to be perceived as not having things figured out.

1150
01:01:59.880 --> 01:02:00.440
Okay.

1151
01:02:02.040 --> 01:02:03.560
I'd ask anyway, but yeah.

1152
01:02:04.520 --> 01:02:08.120
And you guys, there's also, the thing is, is that, you know, like Ruth said, you

1153
01:02:08.120 --> 01:02:10.400
know, no one knows the ages of her children.

1154
01:02:10.400 --> 01:02:14.080
That might not be something that someone seems thinks is appropriate to ask you

1155
01:02:14.080 --> 01:02:17.920
as questions about your kids, especially if they don't know you really well yet.

1156
01:02:18.760 --> 01:02:23.200
Um, you know, women have, uh, there's a perception about women that we're mama

1157
01:02:23.200 --> 01:02:27.080
bears and we're real protective of our young, our offspring, which we are.

1158
01:02:27.080 --> 01:02:31.560
And so there are men that would probably avoid those topics simply because number

1159
01:02:31.560 --> 01:02:35.880
one, they don't know that it's appropriate for them to ask a bunch of

1160
01:02:35.880 --> 01:02:36.800
questions about your kids.

1161
01:02:36.800 --> 01:02:38.480
They don't want to seem like they're a weirdo.

1162
01:02:38.480 --> 01:02:40.920
And then secondly, um, they may not.

1163
01:02:41.240 --> 01:02:45.040
Be fully wrapped their head around the idea of dating someone who's a mother

1164
01:02:45.040 --> 01:02:46.520
who has kids with some other man.

1165
01:02:46.560 --> 01:02:49.960
And so they may not just really be ready to hear about the kids.

1166
01:02:51.560 --> 01:02:52.160
Honestly.

1167
01:02:52.440 --> 01:02:52.880
Okay.

1168
01:02:53.080 --> 01:02:54.920
So I want to play a game.

1169
01:02:55.040 --> 01:02:56.400
I hope you guys want to play a game.

1170
01:02:56.400 --> 01:03:03.360
So I'm going to do is I'm going to read a scenario and then you are going to tell

1171
01:03:03.360 --> 01:03:05.120
us the attachment style game.

1172
01:03:05.240 --> 01:03:05.640
Okay.

1173
01:03:06.080 --> 01:03:11.840
I'm going to read a scenario and then you are going to vote on what attachment

1174
01:03:11.840 --> 01:03:13.040
style you think it is.

1175
01:03:13.560 --> 01:03:13.840
Okay.

1176
01:03:13.840 --> 01:03:19.400
Based on these early connections, these are early connection scenarios.

1177
01:03:19.400 --> 01:03:19.720
Okay.

1178
01:03:19.720 --> 01:03:20.960
So you might see yourself in this.

1179
01:03:21.880 --> 01:03:22.360
All right.

1180
01:03:25.080 --> 01:03:29.920
John went on one date with Sue and immediately bought her journal with her

1181
01:03:29.920 --> 01:03:34.880
name on it, but freaked out when she didn't text back for three hours.

1182
01:03:39.520 --> 01:03:40.320
Anxious.

1183
01:03:43.040 --> 01:03:43.360
Okay.

1184
01:03:59.480 --> 01:04:01.000
Someone's just like, he's just crazy.

1185
01:04:03.200 --> 01:04:03.800
Poor John.

1186
01:04:04.280 --> 01:04:04.680
Okay.

1187
01:04:04.880 --> 01:04:08.920
So, um, disorganized is the right answer.

1188
01:04:08.920 --> 01:04:13.400
So that's, that's more of a disorganized reaction where, you know, you go in

1189
01:04:13.400 --> 01:04:18.400
really intensely, you guys anxious would be like, you know, kind of love bombing

1190
01:04:18.400 --> 01:04:18.920
the person.

1191
01:04:18.920 --> 01:04:20.920
I mean, he went out like over the top.

1192
01:04:21.000 --> 01:04:21.920
That was your clue.

1193
01:04:22.240 --> 01:04:26.320
He went out, bought her journal, had her name engraved on it, and then freaked

1194
01:04:26.320 --> 01:04:30.040
out when she didn't text him back in three hours, you see the difference.

1195
01:04:30.280 --> 01:04:33.360
So we have intense pursuit, panic.

1196
01:04:33.960 --> 01:04:34.800
Withdrawal.

1197
01:04:35.040 --> 01:04:39.160
We have all the ugly horses of the apocalypse going on there.

1198
01:04:39.560 --> 01:04:40.720
All right, next one.

1199
01:04:41.720 --> 01:04:42.200
All right.

1200
01:04:42.440 --> 01:04:45.320
Um, Carrie met a guy on Sunday.

1201
01:04:45.480 --> 01:04:46.280
It's great guy.

1202
01:04:47.080 --> 01:04:49.960
And by Wednesday she had picked out.

1203
01:04:52.320 --> 01:04:54.040
Their wedding hashtags.

1204
01:04:55.920 --> 01:04:59.160
Don't tell me people don't do this because they definitely do now that she

1205
01:04:59.160 --> 01:04:59.960
would tell him about.

1206
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:05.760
that, but what is Carrie? Yep. That's an anxious attacher. Why

1207
01:05:05.840 --> 01:05:08.680
she's future tripping. Have you guys ever heard this, heard of

1208
01:05:08.680 --> 01:05:12.640
this future tripping? So she's future tripping, fast

1209
01:05:12.640 --> 01:05:16.160
attachment, fantasy building. When we were kids, you know,

1210
01:05:16.160 --> 01:05:18.720
this is permissible when you're a kid and you like a boy in

1211
01:05:18.720 --> 01:05:22.560
school and you're writing your, you know, his last name, anyone

1212
01:05:22.560 --> 01:05:25.480
else ever do that? You're writing your first name and his

1213
01:05:25.480 --> 01:05:33.360
last name kind of thing. Yeah. Okay. All right. In fact, here's

1214
01:05:33.360 --> 01:05:38.640
a fun question. Raise your hand. If you've ever gone on a first

1215
01:05:38.640 --> 01:05:42.160
or second date with someone and then told a friend that you

1216
01:05:42.160 --> 01:05:47.080
thought they were the one after a first or second date, you're

1217
01:05:47.080 --> 01:05:51.200
like, I think they might be the one. Raise your hand. If you've

1218
01:05:51.200 --> 01:06:05.120
ever done that, no shame here, y'all. Okay. That's quite a bit

1219
01:06:05.120 --> 01:06:10.760
of you. Now of those of you that raised your hand, raise your

1220
01:06:10.760 --> 01:06:13.280
hand. If you actually did go on to marry that person and then

1221
01:06:13.280 --> 01:06:18.080
divorce them, raise your hand. If you actually did marry that

1222
01:06:18.080 --> 01:06:21.360
person, then it ended up being divorced. You said they were the

1223
01:06:21.360 --> 01:06:25.040
one and they were, they were one of the ones that you shouldn't

1224
01:06:25.040 --> 01:06:28.680
have run. You shouldn't, you shouldn't. But then here we are.

1225
01:06:28.760 --> 01:06:32.200
Okay. At least three of you. Yep. That happened to me. I

1226
01:06:32.200 --> 01:06:34.320
said they were the one and then I married them, was married for

1227
01:06:34.320 --> 01:06:37.600
12 years and then it was over. Okay. Here's the next thing in

1228
01:06:37.600 --> 01:06:44.240
the game. Okay. Dan said he liked her, but also said, I'm

1229
01:06:44.240 --> 01:06:47.920
just not ready for anything serious right now, every week

1230
01:06:48.160 --> 01:06:51.840
for three months. So he said, I like you, but I'm not ready for

1231
01:06:51.840 --> 01:06:55.400
anything serious right now. Every week for three months,

1232
01:06:55.600 --> 01:06:59.520
that's 12 weeks. That's 12 times that Dan said, I like you, but

1233
01:06:59.520 --> 01:07:02.840
I'm not ready for anything serious. You know why? Because

1234
01:07:02.840 --> 01:07:05.360
he probably was in relationship with an anxious attacher who

1235
01:07:05.360 --> 01:07:09.720
every week was like, but don't you like me? I like you, but I'm

1236
01:07:09.720 --> 01:07:13.040
not ready for anything serious. You guys, the first time that

1237
01:07:13.040 --> 01:07:16.560
you are with someone who tells you that they like you, but they

1238
01:07:16.560 --> 01:07:19.960
are not ready for anything serious. You're gone though.

1239
01:07:20.520 --> 01:07:25.040
Okay. Are you ready for something serious? I hope so.

1240
01:07:25.040 --> 01:07:28.040
Cause you're in your last year single. So that means that

1241
01:07:28.040 --> 01:07:32.640
they're not ready for you. And so you got to go, you got to go.

1242
01:07:33.040 --> 01:07:36.040
We don't match energy. We match preparation. If this person's

1243
01:07:36.040 --> 01:07:39.840
not prepared to be in a relationship, then you're wasting

1244
01:07:39.840 --> 01:07:41.880
your time. Don't think that they're just going to fall so

1245
01:07:41.880 --> 01:07:43.880
madly in love with you because you're so wonderful that they're

1246
01:07:43.880 --> 01:07:46.000
going to change their mind and want something serious. No, you

1247
01:07:46.000 --> 01:07:49.560
guys, that's how you get in a situationship. That's how you

1248
01:07:49.560 --> 01:07:53.280
get into a relationship where you're having sex with someone

1249
01:07:53.280 --> 01:07:55.520
because you think they're in love with you and they never

1250
01:07:55.520 --> 01:08:01.760
marry you. Never. And that goes for the guys too. Cause there's

1251
01:08:01.760 --> 01:08:04.400
a lot of women out there who want to be in a relationship,

1252
01:08:04.400 --> 01:08:06.920
but they don't want to get married. Okay. Okay. You guys

1253
01:08:06.920 --> 01:08:10.160
are right. That was avoidant straight up avoidant attachment.

1254
01:08:10.160 --> 01:08:14.760
Here's the next one. All right. Jan communicates clearly. She

1255
01:08:14.760 --> 01:08:18.160
respects space. She doesn't freak out when a text takes a

1256
01:08:18.160 --> 01:08:21.920
few hours. She just says, I trust that he's busy. What is

1257
01:08:21.920 --> 01:08:31.720
Jan? Be like Jan. Be like Jan. Okay. She's a secure attacher.

1258
01:08:32.279 --> 01:08:38.800
Emotional regulation. No panic, healthy detachment. You guys

1259
01:08:38.800 --> 01:08:44.880
healthy detachment must be busy. Not, Oh, he doesn't like me

1260
01:08:44.880 --> 01:08:51.960
anymore. I got to go make him like me somehow. No. By the way,

1261
01:08:52.000 --> 01:08:54.319
the avoidant, the characteristics there keeps

1262
01:08:54.319 --> 01:08:59.120
things vague and avoids commitment. All right. So here's

1263
01:08:59.120 --> 01:09:06.279
the next one. Carl told her you're the one after 48 hours of

1264
01:09:06.279 --> 01:09:10.000
texting and then blocked her two days later because it felt

1265
01:09:10.439 --> 01:09:23.800
too fast. Excuse me, Carl. Mr. 48 hours. Excuse me. That's

1266
01:09:23.800 --> 01:09:31.120
right. He's disorganized. Love bomb. Add in a little fear, add

1267
01:09:31.120 --> 01:09:35.640
in a little retreat. And that makes a combo that you can't

1268
01:09:35.840 --> 01:09:40.240
pop eyes. All right. We do not want any of that. That is not

1269
01:09:40.240 --> 01:09:46.600
good. You guys. It's not good. All right. Next one. You guys

1270
01:09:46.600 --> 01:09:51.120
all got that right. Look at you guys. Look at you guys. All

1271
01:09:51.120 --> 01:10:00.120
right. All right. Becky. Becky text first sometimes.

1272
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:05.000
Becky and Joe text first.

1273
01:10:05.000 --> 01:10:09.000
Joe text first other times.

1274
01:10:09.000 --> 01:10:12.000
If a plan changes,

1275
01:10:12.000 --> 01:10:15.000
they both adjust without spiraling.

1276
01:10:15.000 --> 01:10:18.000
Sometimes Becky text Joe.

1277
01:10:18.000 --> 01:10:21.000
Sometimes Joe text Becky.

1278
01:10:21.000 --> 01:10:24.000
If a plan changes,

1279
01:10:24.000 --> 01:10:27.000
they can't do what they planned on doing.

1280
01:10:27.000 --> 01:10:30.000
They are flexible.

1281
01:10:30.000 --> 01:10:33.000
Secure attachers are flexible.

1282
01:10:33.000 --> 01:10:36.000
They don't get their panties all in a wad.

1283
01:10:36.000 --> 01:10:39.000
They don't start telling themselves stories.

1284
01:10:39.000 --> 01:10:42.000
They don't like me anymore.

1285
01:10:42.000 --> 01:10:45.000
They are trying to break up with me.

1286
01:10:45.000 --> 01:10:48.000
They don't give the person a hard time.

1287
01:10:48.000 --> 01:10:51.000
If someone is always changing plans on you,

1288
01:10:51.000 --> 01:10:54.000
there is your proof.

1289
01:10:54.000 --> 01:10:57.000
If someone is always changing plans on you,

1290
01:10:57.000 --> 01:11:00.000
there is your proof.

1291
01:11:00.000 --> 01:11:03.000
They are not putting you as a priority in their timeline.

1292
01:11:03.000 --> 01:11:06.000
Next one.

1293
01:11:06.000 --> 01:11:09.000
You are getting good at this.

1294
01:11:09.000 --> 01:11:12.000
Vera keeps checking to see

1295
01:11:12.000 --> 01:11:15.000
if Larry has viewed her story.

1296
01:11:15.000 --> 01:11:18.000
She thinks it means something if he hasn't.

1297
01:11:18.000 --> 01:11:21.000
You know how you can look at

1298
01:11:21.000 --> 01:11:24.000
your phone.

1299
01:11:24.000 --> 01:11:27.000
You can look at your phone.

1300
01:11:27.000 --> 01:11:30.000
You can look at the names of the people

1301
01:11:30.000 --> 01:11:33.000
watching her story to see if Larry is watching.

1302
01:11:33.000 --> 01:11:36.000
If he hasn't watched,

1303
01:11:36.000 --> 01:11:39.000
she thinks it means something.

1304
01:11:39.000 --> 01:11:42.000
Obsessive monitoring.

1305
01:11:42.000 --> 01:11:45.000
Always looking at your phone.

1306
01:11:45.000 --> 01:11:48.000
Do they text me?

1307
01:11:48.000 --> 01:11:51.000
If you find that you're always reading

1308
01:11:51.000 --> 01:11:54.000
something negative into the behavior,

1309
01:11:54.000 --> 01:11:57.000
you're probably anxious or disorganized.

1310
01:11:57.000 --> 01:12:00.000
Secures and avoidance don't do that.

1311
01:12:00.000 --> 01:12:03.000
Avoidance don't care.

1312
01:12:03.000 --> 01:12:06.000
Secures obviously are not going to do that.

1313
01:12:06.000 --> 01:12:09.000
All right.

1314
01:12:09.000 --> 01:12:12.000
Pat says he wants to get married

1315
01:12:12.000 --> 01:12:15.000
but doesn't want to talk about feelings.

1316
01:12:15.000 --> 01:12:18.000
He doesn't want to talk about feelings.

1317
01:12:18.000 --> 01:12:21.000
He doesn't want to talk about feelings.

1318
01:12:21.000 --> 01:12:24.000
He doesn't want to define the relationship

1319
01:12:24.000 --> 01:12:27.000
or meet Laurie's friends.

1320
01:12:27.000 --> 01:12:30.000
Says the right words.

1321
01:12:30.000 --> 01:12:33.000
I want you to see there's all different nuances.

1322
01:12:33.000 --> 01:12:36.000
Says the right words but actions are not congruent.

1323
01:12:36.000 --> 01:12:39.000
I want to get married.

1324
01:12:39.000 --> 01:12:42.000
I don't want to talk about feelings.

1325
01:12:42.000 --> 01:12:45.000
I don't want to make a timeline.

1326
01:12:45.000 --> 01:12:48.000
I don't want to make plans.

1327
01:12:48.000 --> 01:12:51.000
I don't want to meet people.

1328
01:12:51.000 --> 01:12:54.000
I helped a girl get married in this program.

1329
01:12:54.000 --> 01:12:57.000
She's married now.

1330
01:12:57.000 --> 01:13:00.000
She's been married for over a year.

1331
01:13:00.000 --> 01:13:03.000
She had been in a relationship for a year

1332
01:13:03.000 --> 01:13:06.000
with a guy that had never ever

1333
01:13:06.000 --> 01:13:09.000
introduced her to any of his friends or family.

1334
01:13:09.000 --> 01:13:12.000
He was a serial killer.

1335
01:13:12.000 --> 01:13:15.000
Or an avoidant attacher.

1336
01:13:15.000 --> 01:13:18.000
Thankfully he was an avoidant attacher.

1337
01:13:18.000 --> 01:13:21.000
He bread crumbed her enough.

1338
01:13:21.000 --> 01:13:24.000
We're not going to get into the nuances of this.

1339
01:13:24.000 --> 01:13:27.000
When you're in a relationship with people that are avoidant,

1340
01:13:27.000 --> 01:13:30.000
a lot of times they don't really want you

1341
01:13:30.000 --> 01:13:33.000
but they also don't want to not have you.

1342
01:13:33.000 --> 01:13:36.000
Especially since if you're anxious with an avoidant,

1343
01:13:36.000 --> 01:13:39.000
you're going to try to do the song and dance

1344
01:13:39.000 --> 01:13:42.000
to get them interested again.

1345
01:13:42.000 --> 01:13:45.000
As soon as they get disinterested and start pulling away,

1346
01:13:45.000 --> 01:13:48.000
you're going to do a little song and dance to try to get them back.

1347
01:13:48.000 --> 01:13:51.000
You're going to show up looking real cute.

1348
01:13:51.000 --> 01:13:54.000
You're going to post some stuff on your stories to make them a little jealous.

1349
01:13:54.000 --> 01:13:57.000
You're going to do something that's going to pull them back in.

1350
01:13:57.000 --> 01:14:00.000
They're going to bread crumb you a little bit.

1351
01:14:00.000 --> 01:14:03.000
They're going to give you just enough.

1352
01:14:03.000 --> 01:14:06.000
You're going to be in for a whole other cycle until you do it again.

1353
01:14:06.000 --> 01:14:09.000
She was in a situation where she was a secure.

1354
01:14:09.000 --> 01:14:12.000
She wasn't an anxious.

1355
01:14:12.000 --> 01:14:15.000
She just thought they were in a relationship

1356
01:14:15.000 --> 01:14:18.000
because she's really balanced and she's really secure in herself

1357
01:14:18.000 --> 01:14:21.000
and all the things, but he wasn't ever going to pull the trigger on that.

1358
01:14:21.000 --> 01:14:24.000
We helped her to break up with him and now she's married to someone else.

1359
01:14:24.000 --> 01:14:27.000
Praise God.

1360
01:14:27.000 --> 01:14:30.000
A lot of times if you get yourself into one of these

1361
01:14:31.000 --> 01:14:34.000
anxious avoidance, love circles, okay, cycles,

1362
01:14:34.000 --> 01:14:37.000
or you get yourself into God forbid a disorganized,

1363
01:14:37.000 --> 01:14:40.000
you know, that's love bipolar.

1364
01:14:40.000 --> 01:14:43.000
If you get yourself into a disorganized, even secures,

1365
01:14:43.000 --> 01:14:46.000
even those of you that said you were secure,

1366
01:14:46.000 --> 01:14:49.000
you can end up with avoidant.

1367
01:14:49.000 --> 01:14:52.000
You can end up with an anxious person that's not healthy enough to move

1368
01:14:52.000 --> 01:14:55.000
forward. A disorganized person.

1369
01:14:55.000 --> 01:14:58.000
If you end up in one of these cycles, you have to break it.

1370
01:14:58.000 --> 01:15:01.000
If you see yourself in any of these.

1371
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:02.960
things and you feel like you're in a situationship right now,

1372
01:15:02.960 --> 01:15:07.160
please post in the program pages where the coaches are

1373
01:15:07.160 --> 01:15:09.560
so we can help you to kind of unpack it

1374
01:15:09.560 --> 01:15:11.440
and see what needs to happen next.

1375
01:15:11.440 --> 01:15:12.280
Okay.

1376
01:15:13.400 --> 01:15:15.920
Mandy pulls back every time,

1377
01:15:20.160 --> 01:15:25.160
Mandy pulls back every time Cam gets closer

1378
01:15:25.160 --> 01:15:28.160
but panics if she thinks he's pulling away.

1379
01:15:29.160 --> 01:15:31.120
What's that one?

1380
01:15:31.120 --> 01:15:34.360
Mandy pulls back every time Cam tries to get too close

1381
01:15:34.360 --> 01:15:36.120
but then she panics if she thinks

1382
01:15:36.120 --> 01:15:37.680
that he's breaking up with her.

1383
01:15:38.680 --> 01:15:41.280
Yes, that's disorganized.

1384
01:15:41.280 --> 01:15:43.040
The push-pull dynamic.

1385
01:15:43.040 --> 01:15:44.680
It's rooted in the fear of intimacy

1386
01:15:44.680 --> 01:15:47.200
and also in the fear of rejection.

1387
01:15:47.200 --> 01:15:51.120
Fear of intimacy, but also fear of being rejected.

1388
01:15:51.120 --> 01:15:53.040
And that's just, you see,

1389
01:15:53.040 --> 01:15:55.240
that dichotomy is not good, is it?

1390
01:15:56.480 --> 01:15:57.800
Okay, last one.

1391
01:15:58.920 --> 01:15:59.760
Let's see.

1392
01:16:03.600 --> 01:16:08.600
Collier tells her, hey, I like where this is going.

1393
01:16:08.720 --> 01:16:13.720
Let's keep taking our time and seeing where God leads us.

1394
01:16:14.080 --> 01:16:16.160
Well, that's a tricky one.

1395
01:16:16.160 --> 01:16:18.560
Collier tells her, hey, I like where this is going.

1396
01:16:18.560 --> 01:16:21.600
Let's keep taking our time and see where God leads us.

1397
01:16:25.640 --> 01:16:27.600
See, some of you think that's avoidant.

1398
01:16:29.160 --> 01:16:33.400
Because you're used to people saying that

1399
01:16:33.400 --> 01:16:37.080
and it not leading anywhere, but it is secure.

1400
01:16:37.080 --> 01:16:37.920
Why?

1401
01:16:37.920 --> 01:16:39.840
Because it is steady.

1402
01:16:39.840 --> 01:16:42.640
Remember, the words, actions have to match words.

1403
01:16:42.640 --> 01:16:44.240
So if you don't see Collier,

1404
01:16:44.240 --> 01:16:46.600
like continuing to escalate the relationship

1405
01:16:46.600 --> 01:16:47.520
to see where it's going,

1406
01:16:47.520 --> 01:16:50.200
then it would become avoidant, right?

1407
01:16:50.200 --> 01:16:52.160
But it's steady, it's communicative

1408
01:16:52.160 --> 01:16:54.240
and it's faith-filled with pacing in it.

1409
01:16:54.960 --> 01:16:55.800
It's good.

1410
01:16:56.800 --> 01:16:58.080
Those are good, right?

1411
01:16:58.080 --> 01:17:00.000
All right, we're about three minutes over

1412
01:17:00.000 --> 01:17:01.600
our 75-minute mark.

1413
01:17:01.600 --> 01:17:03.360
But you guys, it's really important

1414
01:17:03.360 --> 01:17:06.720
that you're not sabotaging early relationships.

1415
01:17:07.800 --> 01:17:08.920
Early relationships.

1416
01:17:08.920 --> 01:17:11.000
You don't prune early relationships, you guys.

1417
01:17:11.000 --> 01:17:12.160
It's not a mature plant.

1418
01:17:12.160 --> 01:17:13.680
It's just a little seedling.

1419
01:17:13.680 --> 01:17:15.720
It's a little sapling that's come out of the soil.

1420
01:17:15.720 --> 01:17:16.920
You have to nurture it.

1421
01:17:17.840 --> 01:17:18.680
You have to give it the,

1422
01:17:18.680 --> 01:17:20.640
what would happen if you water it too much?

1423
01:17:20.640 --> 01:17:21.640
It'll die.

1424
01:17:21.640 --> 01:17:23.240
What happens if you water it too much?

1425
01:17:23.240 --> 01:17:24.080
It'll die.

1426
01:17:24.080 --> 01:17:25.600
What happens if you water it too little?

1427
01:17:25.600 --> 01:17:26.520
It'll die.

1428
01:17:26.520 --> 01:17:30.760
What happens if you try to put a cover over it

1429
01:17:30.760 --> 01:17:32.040
to protect it from the sun?

1430
01:17:32.040 --> 01:17:32.880
It'll die.

1431
01:17:32.880 --> 01:17:33.840
What if it gets too much sun?

1432
01:17:33.840 --> 01:17:34.680
It'll die.

1433
01:17:34.680 --> 01:17:36.320
Do you guys see what I'm saying here?

1434
01:17:37.720 --> 01:17:42.440
You just have to show up with open hands

1435
01:17:42.440 --> 01:17:46.320
and an open heart and just let it be whatever it is.

1436
01:17:46.320 --> 01:17:49.280
You gotta tell yourself what secure people tell themselves.

1437
01:17:49.280 --> 01:17:51.920
If this is my person,

1438
01:17:51.920 --> 01:17:55.160
meaning the person that's right for my life in this season,

1439
01:17:55.160 --> 01:17:56.240
then it's gonna work out.

1440
01:17:56.240 --> 01:17:58.360
And if they're not, it's not.

1441
01:17:58.360 --> 01:18:00.400
But that means that there's someone out there for me

1442
01:18:00.400 --> 01:18:03.440
that's even better for this season of my life.

1443
01:18:03.440 --> 01:18:05.240
And so it's a win-win.

1444
01:18:05.240 --> 01:18:07.720
This is even my person and this is gonna grow in love

1445
01:18:07.720 --> 01:18:08.840
and it's gonna get better and better.

1446
01:18:08.840 --> 01:18:10.680
Or there's someone out there

1447
01:18:10.680 --> 01:18:14.520
that's actually a better fit for my season and me for them.

1448
01:18:14.520 --> 01:18:15.560
And I'm gonna meet them

1449
01:18:15.560 --> 01:18:18.760
and I'm gonna not be sad that this didn't work out.

1450
01:18:18.760 --> 01:18:20.800
I'm gonna be so happy it didn't.

1451
01:18:20.800 --> 01:18:22.160
Do you see how that works?

1452
01:18:23.360 --> 01:18:25.160
That's what you have to tell yourself.

1453
01:18:25.160 --> 01:18:29.160
And if you have to tell yourself that 1,500 times a day,

1454
01:18:29.160 --> 01:18:31.440
then you have to tell yourself that

1455
01:18:31.440 --> 01:18:35.040
because you have to start thinking like a secure person,

1456
01:18:36.480 --> 01:18:39.160
writing down what secure people would write down,

1457
01:18:39.160 --> 01:18:41.800
talking about what secure people would talk about.

1458
01:18:41.800 --> 01:18:43.360
This is how we become more secure.

1459
01:18:43.360 --> 01:18:45.520
For those of you that are secure attachers,

1460
01:18:45.520 --> 01:18:48.240
you can help people in early relationship

1461
01:18:48.240 --> 01:18:53.200
by modeling pacing, by modeling clear communication,

1462
01:18:53.200 --> 01:18:55.280
by modeling respect and honor.

1463
01:18:56.720 --> 01:18:58.160
I wanna see the hands of the men

1464
01:18:58.160 --> 01:19:00.000
that said they were secure attachers.

1465
01:19:01.000 --> 01:19:02.320
Let me see you guys.

1466
01:19:08.640 --> 01:19:10.640
Men, men, men, men.

1467
01:19:10.640 --> 01:19:12.520
None of you men are secure attachers.

1468
01:19:12.520 --> 01:19:13.720
Okay, Hunter says he is.

1469
01:19:13.720 --> 01:19:16.400
Sean, Sean says he is.

1470
01:19:16.400 --> 01:19:17.840
I just got to know Sean the other day

1471
01:19:18.440 --> 01:19:19.440
on a discovery call.

1472
01:19:20.320 --> 01:19:21.520
Okay, so just two.

1473
01:19:21.520 --> 01:19:22.840
The rest of you guys are anxious

1474
01:19:22.840 --> 01:19:24.320
or avoidant or disorganized.

1475
01:19:24.320 --> 01:19:28.480
Okay, so for you men that are secure attachers,

1476
01:19:28.480 --> 01:19:30.880
let's model for women what it looks like

1477
01:19:30.880 --> 01:19:33.680
to have clear communication.

1478
01:19:33.680 --> 01:19:35.400
You guys that didn't put your hands up,

1479
01:19:35.400 --> 01:19:37.680
you're either anxious, you go in too fast,

1480
01:19:37.680 --> 01:19:39.600
you get too excited, you get too romantic

1481
01:19:39.600 --> 01:19:40.760
or you're avoidant.

1482
01:19:40.760 --> 01:19:43.960
You just don't wanna be clear.

1483
01:19:43.960 --> 01:19:45.400
You're not sure yet.

1484
01:19:45.400 --> 01:19:47.320
You continue to talk yourself out of things.

1485
01:19:47.720 --> 01:19:48.560
You overthink things.

1486
01:19:48.560 --> 01:19:50.120
It's really important that you start thinking

1487
01:19:50.120 --> 01:19:55.120
like a secure man that communicates very clearly

1488
01:19:55.480 --> 01:19:59.200
with a woman, hey, I'm enjoying getting to know you.

1489
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:04.000
not ready to put a label on this relationship

1490
01:20:04.000 --> 01:20:06.240
because we're just getting to know each other right now.

1491
01:20:06.240 --> 01:20:08.400
Look, if a woman isn't okay

1492
01:20:08.400 --> 01:20:12.240
with clear, boundaried communication,

1493
01:20:12.240 --> 01:20:14.240
then she's not the right person for you.

1494
01:20:15.680 --> 01:20:16.520
She's not.

1495
01:20:16.520 --> 01:20:18.120
You avoidance,

1496
01:20:18.120 --> 01:20:20.040
you don't have to be afraid of being controlled.

1497
01:20:20.040 --> 01:20:21.080
You just have to make sure

1498
01:20:21.080 --> 01:20:22.760
that you're very clear with the person

1499
01:20:22.760 --> 01:20:25.800
about how fast you can go forward.

1500
01:20:25.800 --> 01:20:30.360
That's all.

1501
01:20:30.360 --> 01:20:31.560
It's okay.

1502
01:20:31.560 --> 01:20:32.400
Okay.

1503
01:20:32.400 --> 01:20:33.520
I think that you guys are all growing.

1504
01:20:33.520 --> 01:20:35.080
The reason why I wanted to do this session

1505
01:20:35.080 --> 01:20:36.000
tonight as a path session

1506
01:20:36.000 --> 01:20:38.200
is because I see people sabotaging themselves

1507
01:20:38.200 --> 01:20:40.620
in the first one to three dates.

1508
01:20:40.620 --> 01:20:41.460
I do.

1509
01:20:41.460 --> 01:20:44.360
I see people really, you know,

1510
01:20:44.360 --> 01:20:48.120
having unhealthy conversations that go too fast,

1511
01:20:48.120 --> 01:20:50.280
wanting to know about this person's life

1512
01:20:50.280 --> 01:20:51.920
or their politics,

1513
01:20:51.920 --> 01:20:53.760
wanting to find out if, you know,

1514
01:20:53.760 --> 01:20:57.680
they're marriage-minded to a level that's inappropriate.

1515
01:20:57.680 --> 01:20:58.520
And what is that?

1516
01:20:58.520 --> 01:21:00.880
That's trying for you to cut your losses.

1517
01:21:00.880 --> 01:21:03.760
All of you anxious attachers trying to, you know,

1518
01:21:03.760 --> 01:21:07.480
find out whether or not this can be a serious relationship

1519
01:21:07.480 --> 01:21:09.440
way too quickly,

1520
01:21:09.440 --> 01:21:12.440
way, way, way too quick, way too quickly.

1521
01:21:12.440 --> 01:21:14.360
Talking about deep theological stuff.

1522
01:21:14.360 --> 01:21:16.800
Y'all, did I not teach you anything?

1523
01:21:18.600 --> 01:21:19.760
Why would you do this?

1524
01:21:21.200 --> 01:21:22.320
Why?

1525
01:21:22.320 --> 01:21:24.000
Just get to know this person.

1526
01:21:24.000 --> 01:21:24.960
Just have fun.

1527
01:21:24.960 --> 01:21:26.000
Get to know them.

1528
01:21:26.000 --> 01:21:27.440
It's a win-win.

1529
01:21:27.440 --> 01:21:29.600
Yeah, they might not be your future spouse,

1530
01:21:30.680 --> 01:21:33.960
but you're not enjoying the connection.

1531
01:21:33.960 --> 01:21:36.400
You are showing up panicked and paranoid.

1532
01:21:42.920 --> 01:21:43.840
That's another, you guys,

1533
01:21:43.840 --> 01:21:45.680
that's another hallmark of avoidant attachment,

1534
01:21:45.680 --> 01:21:47.680
especially in women.

1535
01:21:47.680 --> 01:21:49.920
You guys will show up with your list,

1536
01:21:49.920 --> 01:21:51.720
with your interview questions,

1537
01:21:53.280 --> 01:21:55.360
just looking for a red flag,

1538
01:21:55.360 --> 01:21:57.440
just looking for a reason why this person

1539
01:21:57.440 --> 01:21:59.160
is a waste of your time.

1540
01:21:59.160 --> 01:22:00.760
Don't do that.

1541
01:22:00.760 --> 01:22:02.080
Raise your hand if you do that.

1542
01:22:02.080 --> 01:22:02.920
Don't lie.

1543
01:22:03.920 --> 01:22:05.320
If you do any version of that,

1544
01:22:05.320 --> 01:22:09.520
any version of asking too many questions too quickly,

1545
01:22:09.520 --> 01:22:11.120
too personal,

1546
01:22:11.120 --> 01:22:12.960
wanting to vet them out,

1547
01:22:13.840 --> 01:22:15.520
wanting to pre-qualify them.

1548
01:22:15.520 --> 01:22:17.120
You guys, you're not the bank.

1549
01:22:17.120 --> 01:22:18.520
You're not giving someone a loan.

1550
01:22:18.520 --> 01:22:19.840
You're not giving them a credit card.

1551
01:22:20.560 --> 01:22:22.120
You're not pre-qualifying people.

1552
01:22:23.120 --> 01:22:25.480
No, you don't pre-qualify people.

1553
01:22:26.440 --> 01:22:28.160
Look at all those hands.

1554
01:22:28.160 --> 01:22:31.200
Thank you for being honest, but no,

1555
01:22:31.200 --> 01:22:33.280
you got to stop doing this.

1556
01:22:33.280 --> 01:22:34.120
I promise you,

1557
01:22:34.120 --> 01:22:35.720
the person that you're going to end up marrying someday

1558
01:22:35.720 --> 01:22:37.880
is going to have tons of yellow flags,

1559
01:22:39.720 --> 01:22:40.800
tons of yellow flags.

1560
01:22:40.800 --> 01:22:42.920
And you are going to escalate that flag to red

1561
01:22:42.920 --> 01:22:44.600
because you do not know this person

1562
01:22:44.600 --> 01:22:46.680
and you are asking them a bunch of personal questions,

1563
01:22:46.680 --> 01:22:48.960
which now they're forced in a really,

1564
01:22:50.960 --> 01:22:54.640
in a place of awkwardness to answer.

1565
01:22:55.680 --> 01:22:56.760
And then they're telling you things

1566
01:22:56.760 --> 01:22:58.840
that are beyond your pay grade to know about them

1567
01:22:58.840 --> 01:23:00.240
because you don't know them.

1568
01:23:01.480 --> 01:23:02.800
So you know something about them

1569
01:23:02.800 --> 01:23:05.160
that might be actually kind of construed as negative

1570
01:23:05.160 --> 01:23:07.720
when you don't know a million positive things about them

1571
01:23:07.720 --> 01:23:09.640
because you don't know them.

1572
01:23:09.640 --> 01:23:11.000
That million positive things

1573
01:23:11.000 --> 01:23:13.160
would actually cancel out that negative thing

1574
01:23:13.160 --> 01:23:15.280
that they just told you because you forced them to,

1575
01:23:15.280 --> 01:23:17.000
like you're the grand inquisition.

1576
01:23:20.840 --> 01:23:21.680
Don't do that.

1577
01:23:23.960 --> 01:23:25.880
All right, are we going to show up better?

1578
01:23:26.880 --> 01:23:27.800
Are we?

1579
01:23:27.800 --> 01:23:30.960
Did anyone tell your group something that you're going to do

1580
01:23:30.960 --> 01:23:32.200
and you're really going to stick with it?

1581
01:23:32.200 --> 01:23:33.400
You're going to do that one thing

1582
01:23:33.400 --> 01:23:35.520
on your very next connection.

1583
01:23:35.520 --> 01:23:37.120
Doesn't matter if it's a date,

1584
01:23:37.120 --> 01:23:41.040
it doesn't matter if it's just a light conversation

1585
01:23:41.040 --> 01:23:43.520
with the opposite sex at a party,

1586
01:23:43.520 --> 01:23:45.640
at a community event, at church,

1587
01:23:45.640 --> 01:23:49.000
you are going to put this into practice, aren't you?

1588
01:23:49.000 --> 01:23:50.080
You're going to do it.

1589
01:23:51.320 --> 01:23:53.240
However, you've been showing up

1590
01:23:53.240 --> 01:23:54.840
that's not working out for you.

1591
01:23:54.840 --> 01:23:56.560
You're going to actually, and you guys are like,

1592
01:23:56.560 --> 01:24:00.080
Jackie, you're asking us to act, like to perform?

1593
01:24:00.080 --> 01:24:01.320
Yeah, I am.

1594
01:24:01.320 --> 01:24:04.000
I'm asking you to ask yourself,

1595
01:24:04.000 --> 01:24:05.640
what would a secure person do?

1596
01:24:06.600 --> 01:24:07.440
Okay.

1597
01:24:08.920 --> 01:24:10.200
WWSD.

1598
01:24:10.720 --> 01:24:14.280
What would a secure person do?

1599
01:24:14.280 --> 01:24:15.640
And then do that.

1600
01:24:15.640 --> 01:24:18.120
It will feel unnatural for you at first,

1601
01:24:20.040 --> 01:24:23.840
but I promise you, it's going to have better,

1602
01:24:23.840 --> 01:24:26.280
it's going to have a better ROI.

1603
01:24:26.280 --> 01:24:27.560
It's going to have better ROI

1604
01:24:27.560 --> 01:24:29.600
than anything that you're doing right now.

1605
01:24:29.600 --> 01:24:30.440
Okay.

1606
01:24:32.000 --> 01:24:33.000
Yes, that's good, Sarah.

1607
01:24:33.000 --> 01:24:35.680
She's making a list of truths about herself before the date.

1608
01:24:35.680 --> 01:24:36.880
She's pumping herself up.

1609
01:24:36.880 --> 01:24:37.840
She's hyping herself up.

1610
01:24:37.840 --> 01:24:40.960
Like before you go work out or go play a basketball game,

1611
01:24:40.960 --> 01:24:42.560
I used to play basketball,

1612
01:24:42.560 --> 01:24:45.560
you listen to your hype music, right?

1613
01:24:45.560 --> 01:24:48.480
Pre-gaming, getting ready.

1614
01:24:48.480 --> 01:24:49.960
Do that before a date.

1615
01:24:49.960 --> 01:24:51.200
Look at yourself in the mirror and say,

1616
01:24:51.200 --> 01:24:52.640
I'm beautiful.

1617
01:24:52.640 --> 01:24:54.240
I'm amazing.

1618
01:24:54.240 --> 01:24:57.440
Anybody who doesn't want to be with me is a fool.

1619
01:24:57.440 --> 01:24:59.440
You know, you can say all the things.

1620
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:07.280
And then just understand that if they do choose to not see you again, then that's on them.

1621
01:25:07.280 --> 01:25:10.480
And you dodged a bullet and it's all good because they weren't the right person for

1622
01:25:10.480 --> 01:25:11.480
you.

1623
01:25:11.480 --> 01:25:12.640
You cannot miss your spirit mate.

1624
01:25:12.640 --> 01:25:15.720
You guys, you can chase them away.

1625
01:25:15.720 --> 01:25:20.160
If you're operating in a bunch of cursed orphan mentalities.

1626
01:25:20.160 --> 01:25:24.120
Now do I believe that you'll have, they'll have a lot of grace for you and they'll give

1627
01:25:24.120 --> 01:25:26.880
you a lot of grace if they really, really are your spirit mate.

1628
01:25:26.880 --> 01:25:28.040
Yeah, I do believe that.

1629
01:25:28.040 --> 01:25:31.640
But you don't have to make things harder than they really are.

1630
01:25:31.640 --> 01:25:33.120
Let's not make things harder than they really are.

1631
01:25:33.120 --> 01:25:35.360
All right, father, God, we thank you for this time together.

1632
01:25:35.360 --> 01:25:39.520
We thank you Lord for all of the great truth of how you've created us.

1633
01:25:39.520 --> 01:25:41.420
You've created us for relationship.

1634
01:25:41.420 --> 01:25:42.920
You've created us to attach.

1635
01:25:42.920 --> 01:25:47.560
You've created us to connect, but first and foremost, John 15, we are to be attached and

1636
01:25:47.560 --> 01:25:49.880
connected to you, Jesus.

1637
01:25:49.880 --> 01:25:51.720
You are the vine and we're just a branch.

1638
01:25:51.720 --> 01:25:53.280
Say that you guys, I'm just a branch.

1639
01:25:53.280 --> 01:25:54.600
I'm just a branch.

1640
01:25:54.600 --> 01:25:56.960
I'm just a branch.

1641
01:25:56.960 --> 01:26:00.520
Because we're connected to you, we will bear fruit.

1642
01:26:00.520 --> 01:26:02.120
We will bear fruit of intimacy.

1643
01:26:02.120 --> 01:26:04.680
We will bear fruit of connection.

1644
01:26:04.680 --> 01:26:09.420
We will bear fruit of love and peace and joy and our lives will be abundant.

1645
01:26:09.420 --> 01:26:14.680
And so first and foremost, help us to stay attached, to stay connected to you and to

1646
01:26:14.680 --> 01:26:20.200
our identity in you so that we can show up in all these earthly and human connections

1647
01:26:20.200 --> 01:26:25.560
as the best version of us reveal and heal anything that's standing in our way of being

1648
01:26:25.560 --> 01:26:30.240
able to show up securely, to be able to think securely, to act securely.

1649
01:26:30.240 --> 01:26:35.360
Anything that causes us to tell ourselves story after story of disconnection and rejection,

1650
01:26:35.360 --> 01:26:40.440
anything Lord that is lending itself to disconnection, any way that we're causing people to reject

1651
01:26:40.440 --> 01:26:43.240
us purposely.

1652
01:26:43.240 --> 01:26:45.880
We don't realize we're doing it, but we are doing it purposely.

1653
01:26:45.880 --> 01:26:50.600
We're sabotaging ourselves and causing the very rejection that we're scared of anything

1654
01:26:50.600 --> 01:26:54.400
Lord that's falling underneath those umbrellas.

1655
01:26:54.400 --> 01:26:55.800
We ask that you would reveal it.

1656
01:26:55.800 --> 01:26:56.800
You would heal it.

1657
01:26:56.800 --> 01:26:57.800
You would help us.

1658
01:26:57.800 --> 01:26:58.800
God heal us.

1659
01:26:58.800 --> 01:27:03.360
Show us, teach us, show us, heal us, grow us in Jesus name.

1660
01:27:03.360 --> 01:27:04.360
Amen.

1661
01:27:04.360 --> 01:27:05.360
All right, friends.

1662
01:27:05.360 --> 01:27:16.120
Thank you for tonight and I will see you on Saturday by everyone.