Tonight is our path session on save your relationship before it starts.
It's kind of a takeoff of the name of our pre-marital course that we have.
And that's for everyone who's in a marriage-minded courtship or an engagement, and that's called
save your marriage before it starts.
I'm a certified teacher of that modality, and we have several other coaches on our team
that are also certified.
And so if you are in a marriage-minded courtship or you are engaged, you definitely want to
take some kind of pre-marital coaching.
And I recommend ours because you're already in here, right?
You're already part of this DNA.
So it makes sense for you to continue on with us.
And we do not leave any stone unturned just so you know, in our pre-marital coaching,
we don't leave any, any stone unturned.
We're going to help you have every conversation that you need to have with your partner in
order to make sure that this is the relationship that you want to commit to as a covenant for
your life.
Okay.
And so we are matchmakers and we are also match breakers.
I don't say that to scare you, but if there's something that you don't see, we're going
to make sure you see it as part of the God defense system.
For those of you that are new to phase three, go ahead and raise your hand.
If you're new to phase three, you just came in from phase two from the love story accelerator.
Maybe this is one of your first sessions in here.
We're going to start out with a fun one.
Okay.
We have a couple of hands going up.
All right.
So, you know, we believe in something called being God defended.
You learned about that in phase one and phase two, and we're part of that God defense system
and phase three.
And so we're instituting something new as far as time blocking.
And so I want to let you know that most of our phase three sessions will now last 60
minutes to 75 minutes.
So if you want to be here live, but you're wondering how long it's going to go for or
how long it's going to take you to watch the replay fit 60 minutes to 75 minutes.
And then love seats, which happens once a month is a 90 minute session.
And for obvious reasons, because there's a lot of coaching, live coaching that happens.
We are also going to be reinstituting ask Jackie.
So if you want to use your resource page, sorry, Dave is hovering all over me trying
to put together the stuff here because we didn't, we didn't have it set up.
We had it torn apart for a different thing that we were up to.
So anyway, if you want I'm totally distracted now, I don't even remember what I was talking
about.
Let's wait a second until he gets this done so that I can finish up here.
Just so you know, your future spouse is going to get on your nerves and what are you going
to do about it?
It's going to happen.
All right.
It's going to happen.
Just like he's getting on my nerves right now.
All right.
And I'm sure I'm on his nerves.
And so the bottom line is, is that we have everything that you can need in order to anything
you could want and need in order to go forward with clarity without no confusion.
And so, um, these, these sessions are going to be palatable for you to be able to watch
and replay because they're not going to be too long, right?
60 to 75 minutes tonight session will be around 75 minutes long.
If you're watching the clock because you have somewhere to be.
And then also, um, love seats ask Jackie your resource section.
That's where you find the form for that.
You can fill that out.
We're going to be starting that again weekly starting next week.
Where will that be?
That will just go live into your group, your phase three group, or your men's group for
the guys that are here.
And that's where you'll be able to find it.
All right.
We have some fun tonight.
These past sessions are born out of necessity and the topics are born out of necessity.
What can we do to help you get a clear path forward in relationship?
We're going to have fun tonight.
You want to have some fun, but you're going to learn something and hopefully you're going
to get some healing along the way because I love all of those things.
And so in order for you to, um, get the most out of tonight's session, you might want to
take some notes.
The replay will be available, but if you want to get some information down, get your computer,
get your iPad, your paper, your pen, whatever it is that you need.
And I'll just give you a second before we get started, right?
While those people are getting that stuff together, I'm going to go ahead and give us
an icebreaker question.
So tonight's past session is save your relationship before it starts and what we're really going
to do is we're going to focus in on.
is what are you like in early connection?
Gonna hold you to task about what are you like
when you're first meeting someone
at the very earliest moments of connection
and then into that early relationship?
Are you sabotaging it?
Okay, what are you doing?
I do wanna do a little housekeeping before I forget.
I have a book that's coming out, you guys,
the manuscript is around here somewhere
called Modern Dating Sucks
and it's going to be for presale May 1st.
That is the book your love life needs.
It's gonna be incredible.
It's gonna cover all of this stuff and more
from a very kingdom and supernatural perspective.
And so I think you guys are gonna love it.
And then also I have a challenge coming up next week
and it's focused specifically on the pain points
that millennials are facing.
These are people that came of dating age
during a digital revolution, during a purity movement,
during a theological moment in time
when dating was considered no good,
all kinds of different things were against them
and now they're 69% unmarried, okay?
So that means divorced and unmarried or just never married.
So if you're a millennial,
which means you're 29 to 43 years old, raise your hand.
Just raise your hand, I wanna see
who is a millennial in here.
We typically have a lot of Gen X,
which is the next generation up.
We have a lot of baby boomers, not a lot of baby boomers,
but that would be our next biggest group.
And then we have millennials, okay?
All right, so you guys see we have 20 hands that are up
out of 112 people that are alive, 21 hands.
Now you guys do not have FOMO about this live challenge.
Do not go into my funnel, do not click the link,
do not sign up for the challenge
because all the information from the challenge,
the actual challenge itself is going to be given to you
right here in your group, okay?
It's gonna be a program that you can go through
and you can get all the information
and you're gonna have me giving you a bonus session on it
because we're gonna talk about it
because some of the stuff is crossing over the generations,
but a lot of it is really very particular
to this generation.
So there's only 21 of you guys in here.
I'm gonna lower all your hands.
Now, out of the millennials that raised their hands,
just millennials, raise your hand if you're never married,
never married.
Out of 21 of you that said, I'm millennial,
21 of you said, I've never been married, imagine that.
Okay, so once again, 69% unmarried.
And so you guys are not gonna miss out
on anything in that challenge.
We don't want you to get into our database
more than one time because it messes up your billing.
So don't do that, okay?
Send all of your millennial friends to the challenge though.
It's gonna be fire that are not a part of this program.
And then just know that you're gonna get
everything that I deliver Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday,
but more.
You guys are gonna get all of that and more.
And then of course I write about it in the book as well.
All the stuff that I'm covering in the challenge
is also in the book.
Now, out of all the millennials that raised their hands
and said that they were never married,
I'm sorry, not all the millennials.
Now I wanna know who in here is an Xennial,
meaning that you are 43 to 46 years old.
Let's see the Xennials.
You're not Gen X, you're not millennials,
you're just in the cusp, you're in that crazy little area
right in between those two things.
Okay, so there's 18, 17 of you guys here, 18 of you.
Okay, thank you for that.
Now raise your hand if you're Gen X.
You're Gen X, so you're 47 to I think 64.
Raise your hand if you're Gen X.
You were born in the Gen X generation, raise your hand.
I'm Gen X, I just turned 50.
Gen X, Gen X, raise your hand.
All right, so we have about 37 to 40 Gen Xers in here.
Now raise your hand
if you are in the baby boomer generation.
Let's see your hands.
If you are over 60, over 64, you're a baby boomer.
Let's see all those hands.
You're the younger baby boomers, right?
Baby boomers.
Okay, so about 11 of you.
I just wanted you guys to see who all was here, okay?
All right, about nine, nine to 11 of you guys.
All right, thank you so much.
All right, we're gonna have some fun.
We're gonna talk about how we can optimize
those early moments of connection,
whether you're meeting someone on a dating app,
just having a conversation with them.
Whether you're meeting someone that someone introduced you to, but once again, you're using your phone, you're having a conversation with them over text message, whether you just had one date with them in person.
And now you know we're waiting to see if there's going to be a second date so i'm gonna do an icebreaker question you guys can go ahead and put your answers in the chat.
The icebreaker question is when you start talking to someone.
That you're really vibing with okay you feel like you're really into it what's your default reaction you're like wow I think I am i'm really i'm really digging this person is it to pull away.
or to dive all the way in.
Do you lean in.
Even more kind of dive in like well i'm all in you jump in the deep end of the pool, or do you you pull away.
let's get the answers there, those are our two options, I know that there's probably other options to but just put yourself in one of those categories, are you diving in or are you pulling away.
Remember you're into them you're into them.
you're excited about them you think they're cool.
Right.
Okay, just giving everyone a chance to answer alright, so I think that we're pretty even don't you guys think I think I saw a lot of pull aways I saw a lot of dive ins.
I saw a lot of both and then some people saying it just depends okay it just depends well it depends on what I told you, I think it depends on what you're into.
Okay, so we're going to do a little overview really quickly of the of the attachment styles is what they call them, but I want to caution you guys, just like personality types, please don't read too much into this stuff.
Right we're using it as a purpose for structure for tonight's teaching but I want to caution you guys, just like personality types, please don't read too much into this stuff.
Right we're using it as a purpose for structure for tonight's teaching, but I want you to know that no one's ever all of anything.
No one's ever all of anything we can't be we're not all of anything and so just like you guys saw with this answer right now I gave a scenario and some people like dive in some people are pull away.
And then some people are like in the shades of Gray they weren't black or white they were just like I don't know i'm sometimes this and sometimes that and so I want you to know that.
Sometimes this sometimes items that and that's pretty much true of human nature, but I want you guys to give me for tonight's purposes, what you mostly are.
Okay, what you mostly do what's your mo usually really important because i'm going to help you.
I want to help you not sabotage these relationships before they even have a chance to get off the ground because i'm seeing a lot of that lately.
i'm seeing a lot of that in private coaching i'm seeing a lot of that in group coaching and you don't even know you're doing it, you think that the other person's the problem still but you're the problem, you are.
I love you, you're the problem okay.
The way that you're approaching this problem alright so here's the overview, we have secure attachment.
If you're not a secure attacher you can begin to think like one say that to yourself if i'm not a secure attacher I can begin to think like one.
Right it's not think it's you make it, but you can become so self aware that you can ask yourself what would a secure person do right now.
And you can do that, instead of whatever it is you're doing.
You can, but you have to be self aware that's where heart work comes into play do you guys realize after going to the heart work all it is is a set of tools to help you become very self aware right.
Because trauma doesn't hurt us it creates different versions of it us so it's about becoming self aware when those other versions show up and start trying to swipe on your APP.
You do not want to be anxious Annie on your APP right you don't want to be avoid an owl on your APP so when those other counterfeit versions that were you know trauma based show up to the party.
You want to make sure that they are not speaking for you, they are not choosing for you, you have the ability to disconnect from that, and that is what this is all about okay.
All right, so secure here's just a little overview they're balanced usually they're comfortable with closeness and they're comfortable.
with interdependence.
They're comfortable with it.
The anxious attachment style is pure anxious,
not any kind of hybrid.
The anxious attachment style values independence.
I'm sorry, they crave intimacy,
but they fear abandonment and they often need reassurance.
Those are the three points that I have down here
that I want you guys to get.
They crave intimacy, they want it,
but they also fear abandonment.
And so they need a lot of reassurance
because they wanna be intimate,
but they're also afraid that you're gonna leave them.
And so they need a lot of, they can be a little needy.
They need a lot of assurance, okay?
And then we have avoidant.
This is the one that values independence.
This is what I was.
Okay, I actually was disordered,
so I was anxious and avoidant.
They value independence.
They don't wanna feel trapped.
They can become overwhelmed when things get too serious
and they feel like they're being suffocated or trapped
or they're losing their independence.
What is their fear?
The anxious person's fear is abandonment
where the avoidance person's fear is control.
They have a fear of being controlled, okay?
Just based on, and I'll give you one more,
I'll give you disorganized.
So disorganized wants love, but they're afraid of it.
So at the beginning, they'll show up needing assurance
and coming in, diving in, craving intimacy.
And then when they get it, they feel highly conflicted
and they start to pull away.
So I call those people the pull, pull, push, push,
pull, pull, push, push people, okay?
So I gave you those attachment overviews,
secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
What's your MO?
What are you usually?
Not all the time, maybe, but usually how do you show up?
Let's see it.
Tyann gave us a song, You Don't Own Me.
You guys, I'm gonna tell you this.
When I was a kid, my grandpa had like a poster,
like a picture on his wall, but it was all words
from a song that I had never heard
because it was a song from way before I was born.
But when I got older,
that's when I realized it was a song, okay?
And that's when I realized, you know,
that, you know, it was saying by, you know,
an old song, you know, person and all the things.
But it was the song called, I Did It My Way.
Anyone ever heard that song, I Did It My Way?
So my grandfather had the lyrics to that.
And I loved that.
Cause I was so like, don't tell me what to do.
I'll do what I want.
You know, I did it my way.
Like I loved reading that thing that was on his wall.
And then there was a song that came out by,
I think it was Billy Joel,
when I was still a young child in elementary school.
And it was a song called, I Don't Care What You Want.
This Is My Life, I Don't Care What You Say Anymore,
Leave Me Alone.
You guys remember that song?
I think it's called My Life.
But I used to sing that song as like an eight-year-old.
But like, I don't care what you say anymore.
It's my life.
Go ahead with your own life, but leave me alone.
You know, and I was coming from a broken home.
I was very independent in order to survive.
And that's where a lot of you
are getting your independence from.
And that's why you don't want to be controlled
because you have had to be on your own for a long time.
You've been taking care of yourself for a long time.
And you don't, you want love because we all want love.
We're hardwired for love.
But as soon as anything comes close to you
and tries to give you love,
you're afraid it's going to want to control you.
Right?
And especially if you've encountered any kind of abuse
in the past and you've escaped from it,
you definitely don't want to sign back up for round two.
Right?
You don't want the sequel to that movie.
All right.
So we see a lot of, we see quite a few people
that are saying that they're secure attached.
I'm not saying you're not, I'm not saying you are.
Okay. We see, I see a lot of disorganized attachment.
I see a lot of avoidant.
I don't see as much anxious as I thought I would.
There's a lot of people that are anxious attached,
especially women, a lot of women.
Okay.
All right.
It's good.
All right.
So let's talk about how these different styles show up
at the beginning of a connection.
You guys want to talk about that?
How do these styles show up
at the beginning of a connection?
And I'm going to let you put up personal,
personal antidotes as well.
So let's start with secure.
Their early, early connecting behavior is clear.
They communicate clearly.
Pace well.
Only fools rush in, right?
They're not trying to rush in too fast,
but they're also not going too slow.
They're clearly communicating with the person,
the object of their attraction.
They're clearly communicating, right?
And the sabotage risk for a secure attacher
is relatively low.
Now, anyone can misstep.
Guys, even if you have secure attachment,
if you get with a real anxious attacher
or a real avoidant attacher or disorganized attacher,
it might bring out some yucky stuff in you too,
even if you're secure.
I see some of you saying, yep, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Okay.
Anxious attacher.
This is, once again, this is an overview,
but usually they communicate too much.
They communicate too much.
They communicate too much too early,
that TMI, talking about deep things
or their past or something.
They overthink a lot.
They overthink all the time.
They're the people that are sitting there
trying to figure out whether they should text,
what they should text the person back.
They're writing stuff out, then they're erasing it.
Then they're writing it again and they're erasing it.
Then they're asking other people to look at it.
Do you think I should say this?
Do you think this is okay?
Then they're erasing it, okay?
They're overthinking it.
They're trying to show up perfectly.
They believe deep down inside somewhere
that their ability to be loved
is dependent on their performance and their perfection,
which is making them really anxious, okay?
And then they seek clarity too soon.
These are the people that probably wanna know
where this is going.
What is this really, really, really fast?
Really fast, like inappropriately fast,
like maybe on the first date fast, second date fast, okay?
And so what is their sabotage risk?
They usually scare off healthy partners.
You wanna know why?
Because those healthy partners feel smothered.
They feel trapped.
And God forbid that an anxious attacher
would meet an avoidant attacher,
because now we have a nightmare in the making, don't we?
Guys, every rom-com that you've ever seen
is about an anxious attacher and an avoidant attacher,
or worse, two avoidants.
Every rom-com you've ever seen.
That's why that's not romantic.
It's why we shouldn't be taking a page from that,
because that's not what love is supposed to look like.
Love should be clear as it's growing.
We're not falling in love, we're growing in love.
It should be clear.
All right, let's go to the next one.
Avoidant.
Hopefully you're seeing some of your crap here.
Cannot confirm nor deny that I've binged the notebook
for figuring out what to do next
when dating an avoidant attacher.
Y'all, that movie's so toxic.
And also a guilty pleasure,
because Ryan Gosling is pretty good looking.
But the bottom line is, is that it is so unhealthy,
it's not funny, all right?
It's not funny.
Okay, have you guys seen,
have you seen the Gen Z version of that one scene
where they're at the dock?
Hopefully you guys all know what the notebook is.
If you don't, I would, I'd just skip it, okay?
Because it has a lot of spicy scenes in it,
so I'm not gonna recommend it.
But at the dock where she finally reconnects with him
and she's like, why didn't you call me?
You know, why didn't you write me
back in the writing letters days?
And so the Gen Z version of it was,
you know, why didn't you text me?
And he's like, I snapped you every day for a year.
You guys know what Snapchat is, right?
And it's in their voices, it's perfectly dubbed over.
And she's like, you snapped me?
And he's like, yes, I sent you 365 snaps.
And then she goes, I don't have Snapchat.
Tell me that's not funny.
It's only funny if you know, if you know, you know.
Okay, avoidant, what do the avoidants do?
Early in connection, they delay their responses.
I want you to be honest right now.
If you have ever gotten a text message from someone
that you're really excited about and you looked at it
and you did not want to overeagerly respond to it,
so you literally left it sitting there
for an appropriate amount of time,
just so you would seem like you didn't care.
Raise your hand, raise your hand if you've ever done that.
Well, I can't respond right away.
I'll look like a psychopath.
Look at all those hands, you guys, 40 people,
42, 44, 46, 47.
There's only 130 people here, 50.
Look at that.
Mm, mm, mm, mm.
Some of y'all even do that with friendships.
You do that with like the same sex friendships
because you just don't want to be rejected that badly.
You don't want people to think that you need them
more than they need you.
Some of y'all, we gotta help.
All right, you delay your responses
and you avoid defining things.
This is what an avoidant person will do early in connection.
You'll avoid any kind of clarity.
You'll avoid it like the plague.
And what's their sabotage risk?
It's high, just like the anxious attachers
because what they do is they miss a good connection
because of the fear of control
or they push away good connections.
They either miss it because they're like, eh, it's not,
mm, nah, or they push it away
because that person just isn't gonna continue
to be on this rollercoaster ride with you.
And then last but not least, disorganized.
They're hot and cold, y'all.
They're hot and cold, all right?
That song by Katy Perry, Hot and Cold,
this is who it's about.
Hot and cold behavior.
They have quick intensity and then they panic.
They have quick intensity and panic.
Have you ever been in a relationship with someone
who comes in hot and heavy
and then all of a sudden is just like, no, bye.
No, bye.
No, see you later, bye.
Anybody?
Raise your hand if it goes a thousand miles an hour
right into a brick wall, like stops abruptly.
Stops abruptly.
The ride is over.
You were on the ride and now it's over.
It's a quick ride.
Okay.
Some of you are saying all the time,
guys, if you're always picking people like this,
we gotta look.
We gotta look at what's going on with that.
Okay.
All right.
So let's go into the pros and cons
of attachment styles in early connection.
I'm not even gonna say dating
because you might even not be dating yet.
You might just be connecting.
Maybe you haven't even been on a date yet.
All right?
Okay.
So let's look at the anxious.
Hopefully you're taking notes.
The anxious, the pro to having an anxious attachment style
is that you're usually a really empathetic person.
You're empathetic.
You deeply feel the pain
and the emotions of other people you're loving
and you're emotionally tuned in.
I just wanna let you know, that's a pro.
That's beautiful to be that way
for those of you that said you were anxious.
Go ahead, while we're writing, just put your hand up
if you said you were an anxious attacher.
Let's see it.
And then the con to that is,
is that because of that ability
to make emotional connection easily and quickly,
you usually move too fast
and you misinterpret the signals
that a lot of times are neutral.
They're neutral signals.
Let's say that they're normal people signals, okay?
Normal people have jobs that they go to
that they're not texting you all day long, right?
Listen, anxious attachers love to be love bombed.
If they're love bombers, they love to love bomb
and then they love to be love bombed
because that makes them feel attached.
It makes them feel like this person
just can't get enough of them.
They're just excited about them.
But as soon as someone does something normal,
like take a shower and not be on their phone
for an hour and 45 minutes,
you're fricking texting them asking, what happened?
What happened?
Nothing happened, okay?
Bro needed to wash his stuff.
That's what happened.
He needed to get clean.
I can't tell you how many people start to freak out
when they haven't heard from someone
in a normal amount of time.
So a lot of times the con to anxious attachment
is you are gonna misinterpret
even normal behavior of other people
because you're used to really unhealthy stuff, right?
You're operating in unhealthy stuff
and you're used to unhealthy stuff as well.
Okay, and then guys, listen,
I just wanna tell you something.
A lot of women are anxious attachers,
but the men that are anxious attachers,
that looks even worse on you, okay?
You're the guys that run in quick,
you're love bombing,
you're saying, I think that you're my future wife.
You're saying all kinds of stuff
from the very beginning of a connection.
You're putting way too much onus on it.
You're talking about the future on the first date
like six months from now, a year from now.
One guy, listen, one lady that I private coach,
the first date, this guy sent her the love song
that his favorite love song
and said that it would be a great song
for them to play at their wedding.
Now, spoiler alert, they just got engaged.
Aged.
But this was on the first date.
And had he not had a lot of other green flags,
look, just because you're an anxious attacher
does not mean that you cannot be loved
or that you're worthy of love.
You are.
But there was a lot of things that had to happen
to get to where they are now.
And it doesn't, just because you're, you know,
attaching in an unhealthy way
doesn't mean that it can't work out.
Doesn't mean that it can't work out.
But there's just a lot that has to be uncovered
in order to get there.
But that happened on the first date.
Well, we could play this at our wedding.
Excuse me?
What?
No.
Okay.
Avoidance.
Here's your pro.
For those of you that are avoidant,
you're independent.
God didn't create you to be independent,
but guess what?
You can get a lot of stuff done.
That's good.
You're a go-getter.
You're a can-doer.
That's awesome.
And usually avoidant people have a more calm,
that's because they're not really in touch
with their emotional center.
This is what allows them to disengage so quickly.
You know, I can really tell if someone's avoidant.
They date someone for like nine months.
It gets really serious.
It's like even talking about marriage
and then there's a breakup.
And then afterwards I say to them,
do you know, do you miss them?
No.
If you, listen, if you are in a serious relationship
or even a semi-serious relationship,
that's not abusive.
Okay.
Just a regular relationship.
And it breaks off for whatever reason,
can't go forward together.
And you don't grieve it.
There's no grieving that happens after that loss.
You're probably an avoidant or disorganized.
Why?
Because you never attached.
That's why you don't miss them.
You never really let them in.
Does that make sense to everyone?
You never let them in.
And that's also why the relationship ended
because it can't go forward if you don't let them in.
So you're calm a lot of times.
A lot of times people that have avoidant attachment
have pretty strong standards and values
and usually pretty good boundaries.
That's a pro.
Here's the con.
They struggle with emotional vulnerability
and that's huge friends.
That's huge for a relationship.
You have to be able to be vulnerable.
Write this down.
The number one thing that you are looking for
in a partner is vulnerability.
That's the number one thing.
Can they open up to you?
Not on the first date, all the TMI,
but can they, are they showing signs
of being able to let you into their world?
Can they?
Okay.
So struggles with vulnerability and avoids the talk.
Avoidant people will avoid,
see what I did there?
They will avoid putting a label on the relationship
for as long as humanly possible.
They will avoid making any kind of promises,
whether overt or covert.
They will avoid talking about the future.
They will avoid making plans that are too future-based.
They will not give you clarity.
If you are in a relationship with an avoidant person,
you will think it's connection,
but it will really just be confusion.
All right?
Okay.
All right, secure.
Here's your pros.
You communicate your needs very clearly.
This is what secure folks do.
And remember, we can think like secure people,
even if we're not.
You're like, well, Jackie,
can't we just become secure attachers?
Attachment, according to theory,
is formed very, very young.
So your ways of attaching,
it's kind of like your ways of walking.
Can you put some Dr. Scholls in your shoes
and stop walking with your feet turned inward?
When my daughter was young,
my mom's like, get some stride rights on her.
You're gonna make her bow-legged.
You're gonna do this.
You're gonna do that.
And I never really thought it was important
what kind of shoes you put on babies
when they're learning to walk,
but learning to walk,
that's the way you're gonna walk
for the rest of your life, okay?
So if you walk like this,
if you walk like that,
if you walk like this,
if you walk like that, okay?
So it's kind of like attachment
in the way that you still probably
are going to have those impulses
to that type of attachment,
but just like walking,
like when you think about it,
you can straighten out.
You know what I'm saying?
Like if you're self-aware,
you can self-correct,
just to make sure that you don't over-correct.
Not with just walking, not walking, of course,
but with some people, like if they're anxious,
they'll over-correct by starting to act avoidant.
They'll wait a half hour, 45 minutes
before texting back.
They'll wait a couple of days.
They'll start making rules for themselves
to over-correct.
No, secure people don't do that.
They're secure people.
People communicate their needs clearly and they build slow and steady.
That's their pro.
Here's their con.
They may not feel exciting at first to those who are used to drama.
If you meet someone who's a secure attach, they may seem a little bit like vanilla in
a rocky road world.
You know, you're at Baskin Robbins and there's 31 flavors and you ain't going to pick vanilla.
No.
That's what they might seem like unexciting.
But I promise you, because my husband is a secure attach and he definitely, I mean when
I realized about, I don't know, six months into our marriage that I was never going to
have a reason to call my girlfriends and cry all night on the phone and drink a box of
wine.
Yes.
I said a box of wine, not a bottle because wine came in boxes back then.
The real good stuff, right?
And listen to Dave Matthews and cry.
When I realized that I was never going to be on that roller coaster anymore, there was
a little grieving process, a little bit of grieving process.
You know why?
Because anxious attachers, while they want love, they also love the drama.
They love it.
They live for the drama.
They do.
Okay.
And then disorganized.
Here's your pro you're intuitive.
You're passionate.
You're often spiritual seekers because remember we have that, that anxious part of us, right?
That's emotionally empathic.
But then the con is you can feel chaotic or stable in early relationships to other people,
to other people.
You can feel, you know, relationally bipolar.
I love you.
Let's cuddle.
I'm going to break up with you because you're not committed to purity.
I know I asked you to cuddle, but I'm just feeling like this is not the right match anymore
because I can't trust you because you cuddled me after I asked you to what you guys, just
so you know, all the names have been changed, but these are real life scenarios that I coach
every single day.
All right.
Real life scenarios.
That is a disorganized attacher right there.
You want, you're going to force connection and even physical intimacy, maybe not sex,
but some version of physical intimacy, whatever it takes for you to feel secure.
And then you're going to push it away all probably within the same 24 hours.
No.
All right.
So if you're anxious, you guys, here are some tips on early relationship, and then we're
going to play a game.
So you guys want to play a game?
Who's learning something and anything?
We're just going to laugh until we learn something.
We just want to laugh until we learn something.
Okay.
All right.
So here are the tips for those of you that said you were anxious.
These, these are tips for early in the connection.
Do not build a fantasy in your mind before having the facts about this person before
really getting to know them.
Do not allow yourself, look, you're going to have to stop yourself.
Do not allow yourself to start reading the signs.
Oh my gosh.
Oh, you know, God told me he was going to send me a Prince and this guy's name is William
and Prince William is a person.
So it must be the person don't start telling yourself stories and looking for the signs.
I just drove by a street sign.
It said, William, it must be the guy.
Don't do it gentlemen.
You don't usually do this as much, but don't start imagining, you know, whatever it is
you guys imagined.
I don't even want to ask.
Okay.
So bottom line is don't do it, wait, and it's going to be really hard for you anxious
attachers, but I'm going to, I'm going to put this precedent here.
Do not make someone exclusive with you until you've been dating for at least, especially
if you're really bad, anxious attacher, at least 60 days, at least 60 days, preferably
90.
What is that?
That's three months.
Am I telling you not to date them?
No.
I'm telling you not to make them your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your one, the exclusive relationship,
the level three exclusivity.
Don't do it.
And then ladies, this is for you.
Give the men room to do the very thing that you're saying you want them to do.
And that is to intentionally seek you out, give room for them.
You know, when I was little, when I was a little kid, my, my mom used to say, let him
miss you, let him miss you for a second.
That's not playing a game.
He's not going to miss you.
If you're texting him 200 times a day.
Can I tell you something?
men have, the truth is, is that men have fewer words than women. And so if you're constantly
showing up needing affirmation, especially verbal affirmation, needing to talk, needing this,
needing that. Okay. And he only has 563 days, a 63 words today, and you list used up 542 of them.
How's he going to keep his job? He has no words left to talk. Nothing. It's gone.
So he's going to start feeling overwhelmed. Men, listen, you have to hear me. Men start
feeling emotionally overwhelmed by connection really easily. Right? You can go on and on and
on. You're like the emotional energizer bunny. No, especially not early in relationship. Do not
do that. Give him a room, give him room to miss you. Give him room to intentionally seek you out.
Okay. Don't over-text. Please, please don't do this for any of you that do this,
go ahead and tell me if you do it in the chat. Cause I want to know, don't check their socials.
If you haven't heard from them, Oh, where's he at? This is usually for more of a Gen Z kind
of younger millennial crowd. And that's why it's in my book. Um, but don't go looking at
their socials. Okay. Don't go looking at their socials to see what they're doing. Instead of
hanging out with you, man, they didn't ask me on a date this weekend. What are they doing this
weekend? That's better than hanging out with me. All right. Okay. And then what I want you to do
is I want you to practice thinking like a secure person. And if that means writing yourself,
what I call secure scripts, then go ahead and do that. Write yourself out a couple bullet points
of how you would respond if you were responding from a place of security. Cause remember friends,
we all are accepted in the beloved. We all are whole in Christ. We are secure. We are loved.
We are wanted. We are seen, we are known all of those things. And you have to approach
relationship from that place. So write yourself out a few scripts of what it would sound like to,
to respond securely. What does secure people do? They, they ask for what they need very clearly.
So what would that look like in early relationship? It would look like you saying, Hey,
you know, um, you said you wanted to go out again. Like they say, Hey, I'd like to see you again. You
just say, Hey, that would be great. Um, just to let you know, um, I, I have, I have a really busy
season at work right now. And so if you want to go out again, just, I would just ask that you just
let me know, you know, at least, you know, by Monday and Tuesday, if you want for the weekend
or like whatever your boundary is, you guys, that's completely permissible. Hey, I can't,
I can't really do spontaneous or last minute stuff right now. Not that I'm not spontaneous, but I
can't because I have a, you know, um, a child, I have this, I have that, whatever, and let them
know. What is your boundary? What's your secure script? You're asking for what you need. If you
want to see me, these are the rules around seeing me. Makes sense. Okay. So we can practice some
secure scripts for all of you guys that are not secure. Attachers later. Here's avoidant. Here's
some tips for early connection. Don't pull away just because you're excited about them.
Don't start to pull away just because you're like, Oh, I'm excited. I'm excited about them.
Okay. That's not a red flag. When something starts to get real and feel real. That's not
a red flag. That's called intimacy. That's called intimacy. You might start to think,
Oh, you know, what's wrong with this person?
I'm starting to really, I'm starting to really think about them. Oh, I better stop that. No,
that's called intimacy. Now, if you need space because you're starting to freak out, just be
honest. Can you believe it? You're allowed to be honest. You're allowed to communicate your needs.
You're allowed to say, Hey, I have never, you know, gone on five dates in a week and it's
starting to freak me out a little bit. And so just want to let you know that I'm going to take
the weekend and hang out with my family or hang out with my friends or do whatever. Um, you know,
but don't worry, but don't disappear. Ask for space. Not like, Oh, you take time to pray and
fast and see if God says you're the one. No. Okay. It's okay to take a couple of days off
when you've been on a marathon date, just let them know you're taking a couple of days off
and then don't disappear. Don't disappear. All right. Don't disappear.
Here, if you put right now, I want to see hands of,
if you've ever ghosted someone because you just,
not because they were abusive or toxic or anything,
you just ghosted them because you just weren't,
you just want it to end the thing,
but you didn't want to have the conversations.
You didn't want to hurt their feelings
or you felt, you know, embarrassed about it or whatever.
So you just disappeared.
Okay, that's way too many people.
Guys, that's not, that's not Christ-like.
This is why people become anxious attachers,
because people ghost them and disappear.
Okay, and a lot of times, friends,
if you are an anxious attacher,
that's the people that get ghosted.
They're the people that get ghosted
because you've just become too much.
Now the person doesn't even know what to do with you,
so they just disappear, all right?
So please do yourself a favor, slow your roll.
Okay, and then last, lean into connection
instead of always defaulting to alone time,
even if it's not romantic connection.
All of you avoidant attachers,
I want you to really make it a point
to get into more connection with others.
A lot of times avoidant people
have a tendency to be real loners, safer, right?
So lean into friendships, lean into community.
This is what's gonna help you to overcome some of this.
All right, so if you're a disorganized attacher,
here's some tips for you.
Keep it here, okay?
Remember that scene in Hitch where, you know,
he's like, he wants them to stay right here dancing.
He doesn't want any make the pizza,
make the pizza, none of that.
All right, for you guys, on the first couple dates,
there's no make the pizza, all right?
You're just gonna, right here, this is where you live.
This is where you live, okay?
This is where you live.
If you were a dance, this is where you live.
Keep it grounded.
Intense is not hot.
It's not, right?
And then get support.
Journal the things that you're thinking
and show them to someone who's a little more sane than you
and say, hey, does this sound right?
Let other people into your process with you.
Does this sound right?
And they'll be like, no, no, it doesn't, okay?
Talk to a coach, show up in community.
We wanna hear your crazy thoughts.
Tell us, we're gonna be nice.
I promise you, we're gonna help you.
And then don't blow it up
before giving it a chance to stabilize.
Don't just blow up the whole thing, okay?
Disorganized attachers have a tendency to just,
ooh, go big or go home.
Go big or go home.
Don't, don't, you guys.
Okay.
Okay, I wanna see where I wanna go here.
We're at 749.
I definitely wanna play the game.
Okay.
Okay, so I think I'm gonna put you in breakout rooms.
Would that be all right?
Okay, I'm gonna put you in breakout rooms
and here's your breakout.
Here's the question.
Which attachment style?
You're gonna share attachment style
with the other people in your room.
There might be one other person.
There might be two other people.
Share your attachment style
that you resonate with most in early dating.
Maybe you become more secure
as you're in longer periods of dating.
In early dating, right when you're meeting someone,
do you show up anxious if you like them?
Do you show up avoidant if you like them?
Do you show up disorganized?
Okay, do you show up secure?
So share that and then also share
something that they can hold you accountable with, okay?
What's one thing that you can do differently
right when you meet someone and you're into them?
Okay, you had a good date.
Let's just say, we'll give everyone the same scenario.
You had a really great first date.
What's one thing that you can do differently
besides what you've been doing to show up more securely?
What's one thing that you can do differently
to show up more secure in yourself,
more confident in your value
instead of trying to get it from someone else
or trying to prevent someone else from trying to get it?
What can you do?
Does that make sense to everyone?
Okay, I do want you guys
to have a little interaction with each other.
And then we're gonna play a game.
It's gonna be fun.
Okay.
All right. Let's see.
I'm going to give you guys, let's see, you guys are going to be in these breakouts for about six, seven minutes. Okay.
Two to three participants per room, create and open. See you soon.
I went to go to my room, and it disappeared.
Okay, well, let's see if we can figure it out.
There's a little square at the top says break is that what I'm supposed to punch on face. Yes.
Sorry. Okay.
All right, the rest of you ladies that are here.
Are you not hitting your breakout rooms or what's happening.
Going okay.
Okay.
Yeah, I said just, I don't see anybody in my group yet.
Okay, well, they're there now hunter you just left them.
I wasn't able to join the group fast enough Jackie. Do you have to send it again. This is Victoria.
I'm looking.
Okay.
All right, there's a bunch of you guys here so if you guys want to come on camera, we can just do a little can do a little session right here with you guys.
If you're here, maybe you're just maybe it looks like you're here but you're not.
Hi.
Hi Jackie.
Okay, so we have a couple of you that I don't know why it didn't put you guys in groups it doesn't say that you're unassigned either so it doesn't really make any sense.
You might have some setting on your zoom that doesn't allow you to be put in a group but.
Okay, so just real quick we'll do a round Robin what's your attachment style and early related early connection.
Christina.
Oh, she must not be here. How about you Kim anxious. Okay, anxious. All right, is Melanie here.
Ruth is here Ruth what is yours.
Secure. Okay, what about you for you, Victoria.
Secure.
Okay.
All right. Are any of you other ladies here right now, Tammy or Christina.
Nanette.
I'm anxious. Okay.
Okay.
Nina, Christina, Tammy, or.
I think I'm very much in the middle.
Probably.
Closest to secure.
In the middle of which two.
Of the anxious and avoidant, like.
I don't feel like either of those.
Define me really.
Okay.
We have two people saying they're anxious and then Melanie and
Christina and Tammy didn't answer.
Are you guys here?
I don't know if you're here or not.
And we have someone named Bethel summer. Is that.
Okay.
Bethel.
Okay. All right. So what's one thing that those of you that said,
you're secure,
what's one thing that you can do when you're meeting someone to help
them to feel, you know, that's one thing that secures do well.
And then what's one thing that you can do to help them feel more
secure.
In a more secure.
Style.
So what can you do?
What's one thing that you can do the next person that you meet.
That, you know, you feel can lead to deeper connection.
And then.
For those of you that said anxious,
what's one thing that you can do to show up more secure?
Okay.
Show up just in general.
Okay.
I haven't had a date.
Okay. So you got to show up just in general.
All right.
That's good.
Okay.
What about you, Kim anxious? What do you got?
Not text as much.
Okay.
So what do you got?
What's one thing that you can do to help them feel more secure?
Okay.
They don't, first of all, most of them are not good texters.
So they already don't know what to answer. And when you're like,
continually.
You know, save the conversation for in-person for as much as you can.
And if the guy said he wants to see you again,
you're just going to have to take him at his word.
You know you know, you're, you're just going to take him at his word.
You can't just continue to badger him and try to, you know,
make an emotional connection that helps you to feel wanted.
Okay.
So you need to allow that to grow and unfold and blossom.
You have to let it do that because otherwise what's going to happen is
you're going to get yourself into a situation where you don't really
know if that guy wants to be there or if he just is afraid of you.
Okay.
So, or he's just going to dip and he'll be gone and that'll be the end
of it.
Okay. So who else that has anxious, like what's your,
what's your advice for people who are anxious?
I think you can act more like a secure person.
I think the rest of us were secure.
Where have we not.
Yeah. Okay. So secure.
Your people, how can you, how can you make other people?
You know,
you can ask questions and ask them about themselves.
And ask one thing.
One thing you can do.
Ask questions, ask them.
About themselves so that you're not like.
I know that people,
a lot of times they'll just talk and talk and talk about themselves.
And that.
I think is they're nervous sometimes, you know, so if you ask.
The other person to tell them, tell you about themselves.
I think it helps them become more calm.
Yeah.
That's pretty much what I was going to say as well.
Just try to meet them where they are.
And remember that is, that is one of the,
the attributes of someone who is more anxious.
They want to impress you. They don't want to say the wrong thing.
They do end up a lot of times saying the wrong thing because now
they're over communicating.
Right.
I find that I can ask a lot of good questions.
I don't get men don't reciprocate questions.
Like I could probably tell you everything about a guy after a while of
talking to them.
And I don't think they even know like how old my children are.
Does that make sense?
Cause I don't offer, I wait for them to try and I'm trying to like,
get them to ask some questions or do that.
I don't offer a lot of information.
necessarily like, you know, cause we're trying to keep it surface level or
whatever, but I find that they don't reciprocate in asking questions.
So what would be your suggestion on that?
I mean, it's just, it's, it's something that everyone says
that men just don't ask questions.
So, you know, guys, let's hear from you, you know, uh, let's see, we have, um,
David, you're here from Las Vegas.
I mean, I'm assuming, first of all, you're not a good example
because you definitely ask questions.
Um, Ty, why do you think men don't ask questions?
Um, why don't we think, why do you think men don't ask questions?
Um, sometimes we're scared of the answers.
Scared of the answers.
Yeah.
I mean, you know, and.
So Ty accidentally muted you.
You can unmute yourself.
Um, so you think that guys are purposely not asking questions?
Like they're like avoiding, they're avoiding any kind of trigger topics.
Yeah, that's a possibility.
I mean, I have before.
Yeah, no.
And you know, like you said, a while ago, I was talking to the, my lower group.
Um, I need to learn facts about people instead of building stuff
up in my head, that's not true.
Yeah.
And, and how am I going to do that if I don't ask questions?
You guys, that can go to the positive and to the negative.
You can build up.
Okay.
So like, Oh yeah.
Yeah.
So did you say that you're an anxious attacher or an avoidant?
A little bit of both.
Okay.
A little bit of both depending on the situation.
All right.
So, okay.
David, you tell us, go ahead.
It was like, I know why.
Uh, because we would not want to be perceived as not having things figured out.
Okay.
I'd ask anyway, but yeah.
And you guys, there's also, the thing is, is that, you know, like Ruth said, you
know, no one knows the ages of her children.
That might not be something that someone seems thinks is appropriate to ask you
as questions about your kids, especially if they don't know you really well yet.
Um, you know, women have, uh, there's a perception about women that we're mama
bears and we're real protective of our young, our offspring, which we are.
And so there are men that would probably avoid those topics simply because number
one, they don't know that it's appropriate for them to ask a bunch of
questions about your kids.
They don't want to seem like they're a weirdo.
And then secondly, um, they may not.
Be fully wrapped their head around the idea of dating someone who's a mother
who has kids with some other man.
And so they may not just really be ready to hear about the kids.
Honestly.
Okay.
So I want to play a game.
I hope you guys want to play a game.
So I'm going to do is I'm going to read a scenario and then you are going to tell
us the attachment style game.
Okay.
I'm going to read a scenario and then you are going to vote on what attachment
style you think it is.
Okay.
Based on these early connections, these are early connection scenarios.
Okay.
So you might see yourself in this.
All right.
John went on one date with Sue and immediately bought her journal with her
name on it, but freaked out when she didn't text back for three hours.
Anxious.
Okay.
Someone's just like, he's just crazy for John.
Okay.
So, um, disorganized is the right answer.
So that's, that's more of a disorganized reaction where, you know, you go in
really intensely, you guys anxious would be like, you know, kind of love bombing
the person.
I mean, he went out like over the top.
That was your clue.
He went out, bought her journal, had her name engraved on it, and then freaked
out when she didn't text him back in three hours, you see the difference.
So we have intense pursuit, panic.
Withdrawal.
We have all the ugly horses of the apocalypse going on there.
All right.
Next one.
All right.
Um, Carrie met a guy on Sunday.
It's great guy.
And by Wednesday she had picked out.
Their wedding hashtags.
Don't tell me people don't do this because they definitely do now that she
would tell him about.
that, but what is Carrie? Yep. That's an anxious attacher. Why
she's future tripping. Have you guys ever heard this, heard of
this future tripping? So she's future tripping, fast
attachment, fantasy building. When we were kids, you know,
this is permissible when you're a kid and you like a boy in
school and you're writing your, you know, his last name, anyone
else ever do that? You're writing your first name and his
last name kind of thing. Yeah. Okay. All right. In fact, here's
a fun question. Raise your hand. If you've ever gone on a first
or second date with someone and then told a friend that you
thought they were the one after a first or second date, you're
like, I think they might be the one. Raise your hand. If you've
ever done that, it's no shame here, y'all. Okay. That's quite
a bit of you. Now of those of you that raised your hand,
raise your hand. If you actually did go on to marry that person
and then divorce them, raise your hand. If you actually did
marry that person, then it ended up being divorced. You said
they were the one and they were, they were one of the ones
that you shouldn't have run. You shouldn't, you shouldn't. But
then here we are. Okay. At least three of you. Yep. That
happened to me. I said they were the one. And then I married
them, was married for 12 years and then it was over. Okay.
Here's the next thing in the game. Um, okay. Dan said he
liked her, but also said, I'm just not ready for anything
serious right now. Every week for three months. So he said, I
like you, but I'm not ready for anything serious right now.
Every week for three months, that's 12 weeks. That's 12
times that Dan said, I like you, but I'm not ready for anything
serious. You know why? Because he probably was in relationship
with an anxious attacher who every week was like, but don't
you like me? I like you, but I'm not ready for anything serious.
You guys, the first time that you are with someone who tells
you that they like you, but they are not ready for anything
serious. You're gone though. Okay. Are you ready for
something serious? I hope so. Cause you're in your last year
single. So that means that they're not ready for you. And
so you got to go, you got to go. We don't match energy. We match
preparation. If this person's not prepared to be in a
relationship, then you're wasting your time. Don't think
that they're just going to fall so madly in love with you
because you're so wonderful that they're going to change their
mind and want something serious. No, you guys, that's how you
get in a situation. That's how you get into a relationship
where you're having sex with someone. Cause you think they're
in love with you and they never marry you never. And that goes
for the guys too. Cause there's a lot of women out there who
want to be in a relationship, but they don't want to get
married. Okay. Okay. You guys are right. That was avoidant
straight up avoidant attachment. Here's the next one. All right.
Jan communicates clearly. She respects space. She doesn't
freak out when a text takes a few hours. She just says, I
trust that he's busy. What is Jan? Be like Jan. Be like Jan.
Okay. She's a secure attacher, emotional regulation, no panic,
healthy detachment. You guys healthy detachment must be busy.
Not, Oh, he doesn't like me anymore. I got to go make him
like me somehow. No, by the way, the avoidant, the
characteristics there are keeps things vague and avoids
commitment. All right. So here's the next one. Carl told her
you're the one after 48 hours of texting and then blocked her
two days later because it felt too fast. Excuse me, Carl. Mr.
48 hours, excuse me. That's right. He's disorganized. Love
bomb. Add in a little fear. Add in a little retreat. And that
makes a combo that you can't buy at Popeye's. All right. We do
not want any of that. That is not good. You guys. It's not
good. All right. Next one. You guys all got that right. Look at
you guys. Look at you guys. All right. All right. Becky. Becky
text first.
Becky and Joe text first.
Joe text first other times.
If a plan changes,
they both adjust without spiraling.
Sometimes Becky text Joe.
Sometimes Joe text Becky.
If a plan changes,
they can't do what they planned on doing.
They are flexible.
Secure attachers are flexible.
They don't get their panties all in a wad.
They don't start telling themselves stories.
They don't like me anymore.
They are trying to break up with me.
They don't give the person a hard time.
If someone is always changing plans on you,
there is your proof.
If someone is always changing plans on you,
there is your proof.
They are not putting you as a priority in their timeline.
Next one.
You are getting good at this.
Vera keeps checking to see
if Larry has viewed her story.
She thinks it means something if he hasn't.
You know how you can look at
your phone to see if you are reading something negative.
You don't have to.
You can call the people that have watched her story
to see if Larry is watching.
If he hasn't, she thinks that means something.
Obsessive monitoring.
Always looking at your phone,
do they text me,
do they look at my social media?
If you find that you are always reading something negative
into the behavior,
you are probably anxious or disorganized.
Secures and avoidance don't do that.
Avoidance don't care.
Secures obviously are not going to do that.
All right.
Pat says he wants to get married
but doesn't want to talk about feelings.
He doesn't want to talk about feelings.
He doesn't want to define the relationship
or meet Laurie's friends.
Says the right words.
I want you to see there are all different nuances.
Says the right words but actions are not congruent.
I want to get married.
I don't want to talk about feelings.
I don't want to make a timeline.
I don't want to make plans.
I don't want to meet people.
I helped a girl get married in this program.
She has been married for over a year.
When she first came into my program,
she had been in a relationship for a year
with a guy that had never,
ever introduced her to any of his friends or family.
He was a serial killer.
Or an avoidant attacher.
Thankfully he was an avoidant attacher.
He bread crumbed her enough.
When you are in a relationship with people
that are avoidant,
a lot of times they don't really want you
but they also don't want to not have you.
Especially since if you are an anxious
person,
you are going to try to do the song and dance
to get them interested again.
As soon as they get disinterested,
you are going to do the song and dance to get them back.
You are going to show up looking cute.
You are going to post stuff on your stories
to make them jealous.
They are going to bread crumb you a little bit.
You are going to be in for a whole other cycle
until you do it again.
She was in a situation where she was a secure.
She wasn't an anxious.
She just thought they were in a relationship
because she is really balanced and secure.
He wasn't ever going to pull the trigger on that.
We helped her to break up with him
and now she is married to someone else.
If you get yourself into one of these
anxious avoidance love circles
or you get yourself into
a disorganized
that is love bipolar.
If you get yourself into a disorganized
even those of you that said you were secure
you can end up with an anxious person
that is not healthy enough to move forward.
If you see yourself in any of these situations
you are going to be in for a whole other cycle
things and you feel like you're in a situationship right now,
please post in the program pages where the coaches are
until you do it again.
If you get yourself into one of these
so we can help you to kind of unpack it
anxious avoidance love circles
and see what needs to happen next.
Okay.
or you get yourself into a disorganized
Mandy pulls back every time,
even those of you that said you were secure
you can end up with an anxious person
Mandy pulls back every time Cam gets closer
that is not healthy enough to move forward.
but panics if she thinks he's pulling away.
What's that one?
Mandy pulls back every time Cam tries to get too close
but then she panics if she thinks
that he's breaking up with her.
Yes, that's disorganized.
The push-pull dynamic.
It's rooted in the fear of intimacy
and also in the fear of rejection,
fear of intimacy, but also fear of being rejected.
And that's just, you see,
that dichotomy is not good, is it?
Okay, last one.
Let's see.
Collier tells her, hey, I like where this is going.
Let's keep taking our time and seeing where God leads us.
Well, that's a tricky one.
Collier tells her, hey, I like where this is going.
Let's keep taking our time and see where God leads us.
See, some of you think that's avoidant.
Because you're used to people saying that
and it not leading anywhere, but it is secure.
Why?
Because it is steady.
Remember, the words, actions have to match words.
So if you don't see Collier,
like continuing to escalate the relationship
to see where it's going,
then it would become avoidant, right?
But it's steady, it's communicative,
and it's faith-filled with pacing in it.
It's good.
Those are good, right?
All right, we're about three minutes over
our 75-minute mark.
But you guys, it's really important
that you're not sabotaging early relationships.
Early relationships.
You don't prune early relationships, you guys.
It's not a mature plant.
It's just a little seedling.
It's a little sapling that's come out of the soil.
You have to nurture it.
You have to give it the,
what would happen if you water it too much?
It'll die.
What happens if you water it too much?
It'll die.
What happens if you water it too little?
It'll die.
What happens if you try to put a cover over it
to protect it from the sun?
It'll die.
What if it gets too much sun?
It'll die.
Do you guys see what I'm saying here?
You just have to show up with open hands
and an open heart and just let it be whatever it is.
You gotta tell yourself what secure people tell themselves.
If this is my person,
meaning the person that's right for my life in this season,
then it's gonna work out.
And if they're not, it's not.
But that means that there's someone out there for me
that's even better for this season of my life.
And so it's a win-win.
This is even my person and this is gonna grow in love
and it's gonna get better and better.
Or there's someone out there
that's actually a better fit for my season and me for them.
And I'm gonna meet them
and I'm gonna not be sad that this didn't work out.
I'm gonna be so happy it didn't.
Do you see how that works?
That's what you have to tell yourself.
And if you have to tell yourself that 1,500 times a day,
then you have to tell yourself that
because you have to start thinking like a secure person,
writing down what secure people would write down,
talking about what secure people would talk about.
This is how we become more secure.
For those of you that are secure attachers,
you can help people in early relationship
by modeling pacing, by modeling clear communication,
by modeling respect and honor.
I wanna see the hands of the men
that said they were secure attachers.
Let me see you guys.
Men, men, men, men.
None of you men are secure attachers.
Okay, Hunter says he is.
Sean, Sean says he is.
I just got to know Sean the other day
on a discovery call.
Okay, so just two.
The rest of you guys are anxious
or avoidant or disorganized.
Okay, so for you men that are secure attachers,
let's model for women what it looks like
to have clear communication.
You guys that didn't put your hands up,
you're either anxious, you go in too fast,
you get too excited, you get too romantic
or you're avoidant.
You just don't wanna be clear.
You're not sure yet.
You continue to talk yourself out of things.
You overthink things.
It's really important that you start thinking
like a secure man that communicates very clearly
with a woman, hey, I'm enjoying getting to know you.
not ready to put a label on this relationship
because we're just getting to know each other right now.
Look, if a woman isn't okay
with clear, boundaried communication,
then she's not the right person for you.
She's not.
You avoidance,
you don't have to be afraid of being controlled.
You just have to make sure
that you're very clear with the person
about how fast you can go forward.
That's all.
It's okay.
Okay.
I think that you guys are all growing.
The reason why I wanted to do this session
tonight as a path session
is because I see people sabotaging themselves
in the first one to three dates.
I do.
I see people really, you know,
having unhealthy conversations that go too fast,
wanting to know about this person's life
or their politics,
wanting to find out if, you know,
they're marriage-minded to a level that's inappropriate.
And what is that?
That's trying for you to cut your losses.
All of you anxious attachers trying to, you know,
find out whether or not this can be a serious relationship
way too quickly,
way, way, way too quick, way too quickly.
Talking about deep theological stuff.
Y'all, did I not teach you anything?
Why would you do this?
Why?
Just get to know this person.
Just have fun.
Get to know them.
It's a win-win.
Yeah, they might not be your future spouse,
but you're not enjoying the connection.
You are showing up panicked and paranoid.
That's another, you guys,
that's another hallmark of avoidant attachment,
especially in women.
You guys will show up with your list,
with your interview questions,
just looking for a red flag,
just looking for a reason why this person
is a waste of your time.
Don't do that.
Raise your hand if you do that.
Don't lie.
If you do any version of that,
any version of asking too many questions too quickly,
too personal,
wanting to vet them out,
wanting to pre-qualify them.
You guys, you're not the bank.
You're not giving someone a loan.
You're not giving them a credit card.
You're not pre-qualifying people.
No, you don't pre-qualify people.
Look at all those hands.
Thank you for being honest,
but no, you got to stop doing this.
I promise you,
the person that you're going to end up marrying someday
is going to have tons of yellow flags,
tons of yellow flags.
And you are going to escalate that flag to red
because you do not know this person
and you are asking them a bunch of personal questions,
which now they're forced in a really,
in a place of awkwardness to answer.
And then they're telling you things
that are beyond your pay grade to know about them
because you don't know them.
So you know something about them
that might be actually kind of construed as negative
when you don't know a million positive things about them
because you don't know them.
That million positive things
would actually cancel out that negative thing
that they just told you because you forced them to,
like you're the grand inquisition.
Don't do that.
All right, are we going to show up better?
Are we?
Did anyone tell your group something that you're going to do
and you're really going to stick with it?
You're going to do that one thing
on your very next connection.
Doesn't matter if it's a date,
it doesn't matter if it's just a light conversation
with the opposite sex at a party,
at a community event, at church,
you are going to put this into practice, aren't you?
You're going to do it.
However, you've been showing up
that's not working out for you.
You're going to actually, and you guys are like,
Jackie, you're asking us to act, like to perform?
Yeah, I am.
I'm asking you to ask yourself,
what would a secure person do?
Okay.
WWSD.
What would a secure person do?
And then do that.
It will feel unnatural for you at first,
but I promise you, it's going to have better,
it's going to have a better ROI.
It's going to have better ROI
than anything that you're doing right now.
Okay.
Yes, that's good, Sarah.
She's making a list of truths about herself before the date.
She's pumping herself up.
She's hyping herself up.
Like before you go work out or go play a basketball game,
I used to play basketball,
you listen to your hype music, right?
Pre-gaming, getting ready.
Do that before a date.
Look at yourself in the mirror and say,
I'm beautiful.
I'm amazing.
Anybody who doesn't want to be with me is a fool.
You know, you can say all the things.
And then just understand that if they do choose to not see you again, then that's on them.
And you dodged a bullet and it's all good because they weren't the right person for
you.
You cannot miss your spirit mate.
You guys, you can chase them away.
If you're operating in a bunch of cursed orphan mentalities.
Now do I believe that you'll have, they'll have a lot of grace for you and they'll give
you a lot of grace if they really, really are your spirit mate.
Yeah, I do believe that.
But you don't have to make things harder than they really are.
Let's not make things harder than they really are.
All right, father, God, we thank you for this time together.
We thank you Lord for all of the great truth of how you've created us.
You've created us for relationship.
You've created us to attach.
You've created us to connect, but first and foremost, John 15, we are to be attached and
connected to you, Jesus.
You are the vine and we're just a branch.
Say that you guys, I'm just a branch.
I'm just a branch.
Because we're connected to you, we will bear fruit.
We will bear fruit of intimacy.
We will bear fruit of connection.
We will bear fruit of love and peace and joy and our lives will be abundant.
And so first and foremost, help us to stay attached, to stay connected to you and to
our identity in you so that we can show up in all these earthly and human connections
as the best version of us reveal and heal anything that's standing in our way of being
able to show up securely, to be able to think securely, to act securely.
Anything that causes us to tell ourselves story after story of disconnection and rejection,
anything Lord that is lending itself to disconnection, any way that we're causing people to reject
us purposely.
We don't realize we're doing it, but we are doing it purposely.
We're sabotaging ourselves and causing the very rejection that we're scared of anything
Lord that's falling underneath those umbrellas.
We ask that you would reveal it.
You would heal it.
You would help us.
God heal us.
Show us, teach us, show us, heal us, grow us in Jesus name.
Amen.
All right, friends.
Thank you for tonight and I will see you on Saturday by everyone.