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Tonight is our path session on save your relationship before it starts.

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It's kind of a takeoff of the name of our pre-marital course that we have.

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And that's for everyone who's in a marriage-minded courtship or an engagement, and that's called

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save your marriage before it starts.

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I'm a certified teacher of that modality, and we have several other coaches on our team

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that are also certified.

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And so if you are in a marriage-minded courtship or you are engaged, you definitely want to

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take some kind of pre-marital coaching.

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And I recommend ours because you're already in here, right?

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You're already part of this DNA.

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So it makes sense for you to continue on with us.

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And we do not leave any stone unturned just so you know, in our pre-marital coaching,

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we don't leave any, any stone unturned.

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We're going to help you have every conversation that you need to have with your partner in

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order to make sure that this is the relationship that you want to commit to as a covenant for

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your life.

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Okay.

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And so we are matchmakers and we are also match breakers.

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I don't say that to scare you, but if there's something that you don't see, we're going

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to make sure you see it as part of the God defense system.

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For those of you that are new to phase three, go ahead and raise your hand.

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If you're new to phase three, you just came in from phase two from the love story accelerator.

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Maybe this is one of your first sessions in here.

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We're going to start out with a fun one.

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Okay.

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We have a couple of hands going up.

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All right.

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So, you know, we believe in something called being God defended.

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You learned about that in phase one and phase two, and we're part of that God defense system

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and phase three.

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And so we're instituting something new as far as time blocking.

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And so I want to let you know that most of our phase three sessions will now last 60

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minutes to 75 minutes.

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So if you want to be here live, but you're wondering how long it's going to go for or

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how long it's going to take you to watch the replay fit 60 minutes to 75 minutes.

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And then love seats, which happens once a month is a 90 minute session.

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And for obvious reasons, because there's a lot of coaching, live coaching that happens.

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We are also going to be reinstituting ask Jackie.

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So if you want to use your resource page, sorry, Dave is hovering all over me trying

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to put together the stuff here because we didn't, we didn't have it set up.

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We had it torn apart for a different thing that we were up to.

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So anyway, if you want I'm totally distracted now, I don't even remember what I was talking

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about.

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Let's wait a second until he gets this done so that I can finish up here.

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Just so you know, your future spouse is going to get on your nerves and what are you going

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to do about it?

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It's going to happen.

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All right.

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It's going to happen.

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Just like he's getting on my nerves right now.

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All right.

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And I'm sure I'm on his nerves.

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And so the bottom line is, is that we have everything that you can need in order to anything

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you could want and need in order to go forward with clarity without no confusion.

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And so, um, these, these sessions are going to be palatable for you to be able to watch

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and replay because they're not going to be too long, right?

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60 to 75 minutes tonight session will be around 75 minutes long.

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If you're watching the clock because you have somewhere to be.

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And then also, um, love seats ask Jackie your resource section.

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That's where you find the form for that.

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You can fill that out.

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We're going to be starting that again weekly starting next week.

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Where will that be?

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That will just go live into your group, your phase three group, or your men's group for

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the guys that are here.

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And that's where you'll be able to find it.

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All right.

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We have some fun tonight.

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These past sessions are born out of necessity and the topics are born out of necessity.

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What can we do to help you get a clear path forward in relationship?

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We're going to have fun tonight.

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You want to have some fun, but you're going to learn something and hopefully you're going

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to get some healing along the way because I love all of those things.

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And so in order for you to, um, get the most out of tonight's session, you might want to

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take some notes.

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The replay will be available, but if you want to get some information down, get your computer,

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get your iPad, your paper, your pen, whatever it is that you need.

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And I'll just give you a second before we get started, right?

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While those people are getting that stuff together, I'm going to go ahead and give us

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an icebreaker question.

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So tonight's past session is save your relationship before it starts and what we're really going

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to do is we're going to focus in on.

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is what are you like in early connection?

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Gonna hold you to task about what are you like

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when you're first meeting someone

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at the very earliest moments of connection

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and then into that early relationship?

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Are you sabotaging it?

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Okay, what are you doing?

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I do wanna do a little housekeeping before I forget.

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I have a book that's coming out, you guys,

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the manuscript is around here somewhere

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called Modern Dating Sucks

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and it's going to be for presale May 1st.

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That is the book your love life needs.

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It's gonna be incredible.

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It's gonna cover all of this stuff and more

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from a very kingdom and supernatural perspective.

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And so I think you guys are gonna love it.

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And then also I have a challenge coming up next week

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and it's focused specifically on the pain points

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that millennials are facing.

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These are people that came of dating age

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during a digital revolution, during a purity movement,

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during a theological moment in time

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when dating was considered no good,

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all kinds of different things were against them

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and now they're 69% unmarried, okay?

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So that means divorced and unmarried or just never married.

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So if you're a millennial,

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which means you're 29 to 43 years old, raise your hand.

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Just raise your hand, I wanna see

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who is a millennial in here.

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We typically have a lot of Gen X,

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which is the next generation up.

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We have a lot of baby boomers, not a lot of baby boomers,

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but that would be our next biggest group.

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And then we have millennials, okay?

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All right, so you guys see we have 20 hands that are up

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out of 112 people that are alive, 21 hands.

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Now you guys do not have FOMO about this live challenge.

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Do not go into my funnel, do not click the link,

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do not sign up for the challenge

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because all the information from the challenge,

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the actual challenge itself is going to be given to you

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right here in your group, okay?

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It's gonna be a program that you can go through

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and you can get all the information

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and you're gonna have me giving you a bonus session on it

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because we're gonna talk about it

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because some of the stuff is crossing over the generations,

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but a lot of it is really very particular

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to this generation.

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So there's only 21 of you guys in here.

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I'm gonna lower all your hands.

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Now, out of the millennials that raised their hands,

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just millennials, raise your hand if you're never married,

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never married.

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Out of 21 of you that said, I'm millennial,

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21 of you said, I've never been married, imagine that.

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Okay, so once again, 69% unmarried.

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And so you guys are not gonna miss out

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on anything in that challenge.

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We don't want you to get into our database

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more than one time because it messes up your billing.

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So don't do that, okay?

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Send all of your millennial friends to the challenge though.

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It's gonna be fire that are not a part of this program.

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And then just know that you're gonna get

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everything that I deliver Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday,

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but more.

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You guys are gonna get all of that and more.

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And then of course I write about it in the book as well.

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All the stuff that I'm covering in the challenge

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is also in the book.

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Now, out of all the millennials that raised their hands

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and said that they were never married,

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I'm sorry, not all the millennials.

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Now I wanna know who in here is an Xennial,

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meaning that you are 43 to 46 years old.

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Let's see the Xennials.

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You're not Gen X, you're not millennials,

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you're just in the cusp, you're in that crazy little area

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right in between those two things.

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Okay, so there's 18, 17 of you guys here, 18 of you.

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Okay, thank you for that.

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Now raise your hand if you're Gen X.

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You're Gen X, so you're 47 to I think 64.

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Raise your hand if you're Gen X.

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You were born in the Gen X generation, raise your hand.

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I'm Gen X, I just turned 50.

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Gen X, Gen X, raise your hand.

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All right, so we have about 37 to 40 Gen Xers in here.

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Now raise your hand

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if you are in the baby boomer generation.

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Let's see your hands.

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If you are over 60, over 64, you're a baby boomer.

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Let's see all those hands.

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You're the younger baby boomers, right?

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Baby boomers.

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Okay, so about 11 of you.

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I just wanted you guys to see who all was here, okay?

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All right, about nine, nine to 11 of you guys.

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All right, thank you so much.

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All right, we're gonna have some fun.

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We're gonna talk about how we can optimize

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those early moments of connection,

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whether you're meeting someone on a dating app,

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just having a conversation with them.

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Whether you're meeting someone that someone introduced you to, but once again, you're using your phone, you're having a conversation with them over text message, whether you just had one date with them in person.

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And now you know we're waiting to see if there's going to be a second date so i'm gonna do an icebreaker question you guys can go ahead and put your answers in the chat.

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The icebreaker question is when you start talking to someone.

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That you're really vibing with okay you feel like you're really into it what's your default reaction you're like wow I think I am i'm really i'm really digging this person is it to pull away.

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or to dive all the way in.

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Do you lean in.

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Even more kind of dive in like well i'm all in you jump in the deep end of the pool, or do you you pull away.

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let's get the answers there, those are our two options, I know that there's probably other options to but just put yourself in one of those categories, are you diving in or are you pulling away.

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Remember you're into them you're into them.

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you're excited about them you think they're cool.

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Right.

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Okay, just giving everyone a chance to answer alright, so I think that we're pretty even don't you guys think I think I saw a lot of pull aways I saw a lot of dive ins.

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I saw a lot of both and then some people saying it just depends okay it just depends well it depends on what I told you, I think it depends on what you're into.

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Okay, so we're going to do a little overview really quickly of the of the attachment styles is what they call them, but I want to caution you guys, just like personality types, please don't read too much into this stuff.

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Right we're using it as a purpose for structure for tonight's teaching but I want to caution you guys, just like personality types, please don't read too much into this stuff.

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Right we're using it as a purpose for structure for tonight's teaching, but I want you to know that no one's ever all of anything.

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No one's ever all of anything we can't be we're not all of anything and so just like you guys saw with this answer right now I gave a scenario and some people like dive in some people are pull away.

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And then some people are like in the shades of Gray they weren't black or white they were just like I don't know i'm sometimes this and sometimes that and so I want you to know that.

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Sometimes this sometimes items that and that's pretty much true of human nature, but I want you guys to give me for tonight's purposes, what you mostly are.

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Okay, what you mostly do what's your mo usually really important because i'm going to help you.

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I want to help you not sabotage these relationships before they even have a chance to get off the ground because i'm seeing a lot of that lately.

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i'm seeing a lot of that in private coaching i'm seeing a lot of that in group coaching and you don't even know you're doing it, you think that the other person's the problem still but you're the problem, you are.

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I love you, you're the problem okay.

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The way that you're approaching this problem alright so here's the overview, we have secure attachment.

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If you're not a secure attacher you can begin to think like one say that to yourself if i'm not a secure attacher I can begin to think like one.

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Right it's not think it's you make it, but you can become so self aware that you can ask yourself what would a secure person do right now.

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And you can do that, instead of whatever it is you're doing.

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You can, but you have to be self aware that's where heart work comes into play do you guys realize after going to the heart work all it is is a set of tools to help you become very self aware right.

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Because trauma doesn't hurt us it creates different versions of it us so it's about becoming self aware when those other versions show up and start trying to swipe on your APP.

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You do not want to be anxious Annie on your APP right you don't want to be avoid an owl on your APP so when those other counterfeit versions that were you know trauma based show up to the party.

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You want to make sure that they are not speaking for you, they are not choosing for you, you have the ability to disconnect from that, and that is what this is all about okay.

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All right, so secure here's just a little overview they're balanced usually they're comfortable with closeness and they're comfortable.

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with interdependence.

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They're comfortable with it.

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The anxious attachment style is pure anxious,

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not any kind of hybrid.

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The anxious attachment style values independence.

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I'm sorry, they crave intimacy,

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but they fear abandonment and they often need reassurance.

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Those are the three points that I have down here

231
00:15:23.840 --> 00:15:25.320
that I want you guys to get.

232
00:15:25.320 --> 00:15:28.200
They crave intimacy, they want it,

233
00:15:28.240 --> 00:15:30.480
but they also fear abandonment.

234
00:15:30.480 --> 00:15:32.680
And so they need a lot of reassurance

235
00:15:32.680 --> 00:15:33.880
because they wanna be intimate,

236
00:15:33.880 --> 00:15:36.680
but they're also afraid that you're gonna leave them.

237
00:15:36.680 --> 00:15:39.520
And so they need a lot of, they can be a little needy.

238
00:15:39.520 --> 00:15:42.120
They need a lot of assurance, okay?

239
00:15:42.120 --> 00:15:43.640
And then we have avoidant.

240
00:15:43.640 --> 00:15:45.740
This is the one that values independence.

241
00:15:45.740 --> 00:15:47.200
This is what I was.

242
00:15:47.200 --> 00:15:48.440
Okay, I actually was disordered,

243
00:15:48.440 --> 00:15:51.080
so I was anxious and avoidant.

244
00:15:51.080 --> 00:15:52.660
They value independence.

245
00:15:52.660 --> 00:15:54.520
They don't wanna feel trapped.

246
00:15:54.520 --> 00:15:56.100
They don't wanna feel trapped.

247
00:15:56.100 --> 00:16:01.100
They can become overwhelmed when things get too serious

248
00:16:02.760 --> 00:16:06.580
and they feel like they're being suffocated or trapped

249
00:16:06.580 --> 00:16:08.100
or they're losing their independence.

250
00:16:08.100 --> 00:16:09.180
What is their fear?

251
00:16:09.180 --> 00:16:13.840
The anxious person's fear is abandonment

252
00:16:13.840 --> 00:16:16.980
where the avoidance person's fear is control.

253
00:16:16.980 --> 00:16:20.820
They have a fear of being controlled, okay?

254
00:16:20.820 --> 00:16:23.380
Just based on, and I'll give you one more,

255
00:16:23.380 --> 00:16:24.300
I'll give you disorganized.

256
00:16:24.300 --> 00:16:28.060
So disorganized wants love, but they're afraid of it.

257
00:16:28.060 --> 00:16:30.680
So at the beginning, they'll show up needing assurance

258
00:16:30.680 --> 00:16:33.820
and coming in, diving in, craving intimacy.

259
00:16:33.820 --> 00:16:37.020
And then when they get it, they feel highly conflicted

260
00:16:37.020 --> 00:16:38.900
and they start to pull away.

261
00:16:38.900 --> 00:16:42.300
So I call those people the pull, pull, push, push,

262
00:16:42.300 --> 00:16:45.220
pull, pull, push, push people, okay?

263
00:16:45.220 --> 00:16:48.260
So I gave you those attachment overviews,

264
00:16:48.260 --> 00:16:52.540
secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

265
00:16:52.540 --> 00:16:54.100
What's your MO?

266
00:16:54.780 --> 00:16:55.820
What are you usually?

267
00:16:55.820 --> 00:16:58.740
Not all the time, maybe, but usually how do you show up?

268
00:16:58.740 --> 00:16:59.580
Let's see it.

269
00:17:12.700 --> 00:17:15.720
Tyann gave us a song, You Don't Own Me.

270
00:17:19.579 --> 00:17:21.020
You guys, I'm gonna tell you this.

271
00:17:21.020 --> 00:17:25.540
When I was a kid, my grandpa had like a poster,

272
00:17:25.540 --> 00:17:28.800
like a picture on his wall, but it was all words

273
00:17:28.800 --> 00:17:30.500
from a song that I had never heard

274
00:17:30.500 --> 00:17:33.580
because it was a song from way before I was born.

275
00:17:33.580 --> 00:17:34.620
But when I got older,

276
00:17:34.620 --> 00:17:37.600
that's when I realized it was a song, okay?

277
00:17:37.600 --> 00:17:39.980
And that's when I realized, you know,

278
00:17:39.980 --> 00:17:42.100
that, you know, it was saying by, you know,

279
00:17:42.100 --> 00:17:45.500
an old song, you know, person and all the things.

280
00:17:45.500 --> 00:17:48.320
But it was the song called, I Did It My Way.

281
00:17:48.320 --> 00:17:50.940
Anyone ever heard that song, I Did It My Way?

282
00:17:51.740 --> 00:17:53.540
So my grandfather had the lyrics to that.

283
00:17:53.540 --> 00:17:55.020
And I loved that.

284
00:17:55.020 --> 00:17:58.020
Cause I was so like, don't tell me what to do.

285
00:17:58.020 --> 00:17:59.620
I'll do what I want.

286
00:17:59.620 --> 00:18:01.540
You know, I did it my way.

287
00:18:01.540 --> 00:18:05.020
Like I loved reading that thing that was on his wall.

288
00:18:05.020 --> 00:18:07.140
And then there was a song that came out by,

289
00:18:07.140 --> 00:18:08.260
I think it was Billy Joel,

290
00:18:08.260 --> 00:18:11.300
when I was still a young child in elementary school.

291
00:18:11.300 --> 00:18:16.300
And it was a song called, I Don't Care What You Want.

292
00:18:16.500 --> 00:18:18.940
This Is My Life, I Don't Care What You Say Anymore,

293
00:18:18.940 --> 00:18:19.780
Leave Me Alone.

294
00:18:19.780 --> 00:18:21.460
You guys remember that song?

295
00:18:21.460 --> 00:18:22.860
I think it's called My Life.

296
00:18:22.860 --> 00:18:25.380
But I used to sing that song as like an eight-year-old.

297
00:18:25.380 --> 00:18:27.340
But like, I don't care what you say anymore.

298
00:18:27.340 --> 00:18:28.860
It's my life.

299
00:18:28.860 --> 00:18:31.200
Go ahead with your own life, but leave me alone.

300
00:18:31.200 --> 00:18:33.140
You know, and I was coming from a broken home.

301
00:18:33.140 --> 00:18:36.140
I was very independent in order to survive.

302
00:18:36.140 --> 00:18:36.980
And that's where a lot of you

303
00:18:36.980 --> 00:18:38.220
are getting your independence from.

304
00:18:38.220 --> 00:18:39.580
And that's why you don't want to be controlled

305
00:18:39.580 --> 00:18:43.940
because you have had to be on your own for a long time.

306
00:18:43.940 --> 00:18:45.700
You've been taking care of yourself for a long time.

307
00:18:45.700 --> 00:18:48.100
And you don't, you want love because we all want love.

308
00:18:48.100 --> 00:18:49.220
We're hardwired for love.

309
00:18:49.220 --> 00:18:51.660
But as soon as anything comes close to you

310
00:18:51.660 --> 00:18:53.560
and tries to give you love,

311
00:18:53.560 --> 00:18:56.460
you're afraid it's going to want to control you.

312
00:18:56.460 --> 00:18:57.900
Right?

313
00:18:57.900 --> 00:19:00.460
And especially if you've encountered any kind of abuse

314
00:19:00.460 --> 00:19:02.320
in the past and you've escaped from it,

315
00:19:02.320 --> 00:19:05.220
you definitely don't want to sign back up for round two.

316
00:19:05.220 --> 00:19:06.040
Right?

317
00:19:06.040 --> 00:19:07.840
You don't want the sequel to that movie.

318
00:19:07.840 --> 00:19:08.680
All right.

319
00:19:08.680 --> 00:19:12.020
So we see a lot of, we see quite a few people

320
00:19:12.020 --> 00:19:14.080
that are saying that they're secure attached.

321
00:19:14.080 --> 00:19:16.500
I'm not saying you're not, I'm not saying you are.

322
00:19:16.500 --> 00:19:18.900
Okay. We see, I see a lot of disorganized attachment.

323
00:19:18.900 --> 00:19:20.860
I see a lot of avoidant.

324
00:19:20.860 --> 00:19:23.460
I don't see as much anxious as I thought I would.

325
00:19:24.660 --> 00:19:28.180
There's a lot of people that are anxious attached,

326
00:19:28.180 --> 00:19:30.500
especially women, a lot of women.

327
00:19:33.360 --> 00:19:34.200
Okay.

328
00:19:34.200 --> 00:19:35.040
All right.

329
00:19:35.040 --> 00:19:35.860
It's good.

330
00:19:35.860 --> 00:19:36.700
All right.

331
00:19:36.700 --> 00:19:38.660
So let's talk about how these different styles show up

332
00:19:38.660 --> 00:19:40.580
at the beginning of a connection.

333
00:19:40.580 --> 00:19:42.300
You guys want to talk about that?

334
00:19:42.300 --> 00:19:44.420
How do these styles show up

335
00:19:44.420 --> 00:19:45.700
at the beginning of a connection?

336
00:19:45.700 --> 00:19:48.020
And I'm going to let you put up personal,

337
00:19:48.020 --> 00:19:50.700
personal antidotes as well.

338
00:19:50.700 --> 00:19:52.460
So let's start with secure.

339
00:19:52.460 --> 00:19:57.260
Their early, early connecting behavior is clear.

340
00:19:57.260 --> 00:19:58.880
They communicate clearly.

341
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:01.720
Pace well.

342
00:20:01.720 --> 00:20:02.980
Only fools rush in, right?

343
00:20:02.980 --> 00:20:04.560
They're not trying to rush in too fast,

344
00:20:04.560 --> 00:20:06.360
but they're also not going too slow.

345
00:20:07.300 --> 00:20:09.980
They're clearly communicating with the person,

346
00:20:09.980 --> 00:20:11.580
the object of their attraction.

347
00:20:11.580 --> 00:20:14.620
They're clearly communicating, right?

348
00:20:14.620 --> 00:20:18.140
And the sabotage risk for a secure attacher

349
00:20:18.140 --> 00:20:19.440
is relatively low.

350
00:20:20.380 --> 00:20:22.340
Now, anyone can misstep.

351
00:20:22.340 --> 00:20:23.980
Guys, even if you have secure attachment,

352
00:20:23.980 --> 00:20:25.940
if you get with a real anxious attacher

353
00:20:25.940 --> 00:20:28.380
or a real avoidant attacher or disorganized attacher,

354
00:20:28.380 --> 00:20:31.300
it might bring out some yucky stuff in you too,

355
00:20:31.300 --> 00:20:32.500
even if you're secure.

356
00:20:32.500 --> 00:20:35.860
I see some of you saying, yep, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

357
00:20:35.860 --> 00:20:36.740
Okay.

358
00:20:36.740 --> 00:20:38.020
Anxious attacher.

359
00:20:38.020 --> 00:20:41.100
This is, once again, this is an overview,

360
00:20:41.100 --> 00:20:45.900
but usually they communicate too much.

361
00:20:47.100 --> 00:20:48.580
They communicate too much.

362
00:20:48.580 --> 00:20:50.540
They communicate too much too early,

363
00:20:50.540 --> 00:20:53.580
that TMI, talking about deep things

364
00:20:53.580 --> 00:20:56.000
or their past or something.

365
00:20:56.000 --> 00:20:57.580
They overthink a lot.

366
00:20:58.580 --> 00:21:00.940
They overthink all the time.

367
00:21:00.940 --> 00:21:02.180
They're the people that are sitting there

368
00:21:02.180 --> 00:21:05.100
trying to figure out whether they should text,

369
00:21:05.100 --> 00:21:06.700
what they should text the person back.

370
00:21:06.700 --> 00:21:09.140
They're writing stuff out, then they're erasing it.

371
00:21:09.140 --> 00:21:10.820
Then they're writing it again and they're erasing it.

372
00:21:10.820 --> 00:21:12.900
Then they're asking other people to look at it.

373
00:21:12.900 --> 00:21:13.900
Do you think I should say this?

374
00:21:13.900 --> 00:21:14.940
Do you think this is okay?

375
00:21:14.940 --> 00:21:16.900
Then they're erasing it, okay?

376
00:21:16.900 --> 00:21:18.660
They're overthinking it.

377
00:21:18.660 --> 00:21:20.100
They're trying to show up perfectly.

378
00:21:20.100 --> 00:21:22.820
They believe deep down inside somewhere

379
00:21:22.820 --> 00:21:25.380
that their ability to be loved

380
00:21:25.380 --> 00:21:28.660
is dependent on their performance and their perfection,

381
00:21:28.660 --> 00:21:31.180
which is making them really anxious, okay?

382
00:21:31.180 --> 00:21:33.940
And then they seek clarity too soon.

383
00:21:33.940 --> 00:21:36.220
These are the people that probably wanna know

384
00:21:36.220 --> 00:21:37.640
where this is going.

385
00:21:37.640 --> 00:21:40.440
What is this really, really, really fast?

386
00:21:41.980 --> 00:21:45.560
Really fast, like inappropriately fast,

387
00:21:45.560 --> 00:21:50.260
like maybe on the first date fast, second date fast, okay?

388
00:21:50.260 --> 00:21:52.340
And so what is their sabotage risk?

389
00:21:52.340 --> 00:21:54.180
They usually scare off healthy partners.

390
00:21:54.180 --> 00:21:55.020
You wanna know why?

391
00:21:55.660 --> 00:21:57.860
Because those healthy partners feel smothered.

392
00:21:58.820 --> 00:22:00.700
They feel trapped.

393
00:22:00.700 --> 00:22:03.500
And God forbid that an anxious attacher

394
00:22:03.500 --> 00:22:05.180
would meet an avoidant attacher,

395
00:22:05.180 --> 00:22:09.080
because now we have a nightmare in the making, don't we?

396
00:22:10.580 --> 00:22:14.220
Guys, every rom-com that you've ever seen

397
00:22:14.220 --> 00:22:17.620
is about an anxious attacher and an avoidant attacher,

398
00:22:17.620 --> 00:22:20.660
or worse, two avoidants.

399
00:22:20.660 --> 00:22:22.300
Every rom-com you've ever seen.

400
00:22:22.300 --> 00:22:24.340
That's why that's not romantic.

401
00:22:24.340 --> 00:22:26.100
It's why we shouldn't be taking a page from that,

402
00:22:26.100 --> 00:22:27.900
because that's not what love is supposed to look like.

403
00:22:27.900 --> 00:22:31.420
Love should be clear as it's growing.

404
00:22:31.420 --> 00:22:33.380
We're not falling in love, we're growing in love.

405
00:22:33.380 --> 00:22:34.500
It should be clear.

406
00:22:34.500 --> 00:22:35.780
All right, let's go to the next one.

407
00:22:35.780 --> 00:22:36.860
Avoidant.

408
00:22:36.860 --> 00:22:39.220
Hopefully you're seeing some of your crap here.

409
00:22:43.300 --> 00:22:45.900
Cannot confirm nor deny that I've binged the notebook

410
00:22:45.900 --> 00:22:47.420
for figuring out what to do next

411
00:22:47.420 --> 00:22:49.180
when dating an avoidant attacher.

412
00:22:49.180 --> 00:22:51.620
Y'all, that movie's so toxic.

413
00:22:51.620 --> 00:22:53.580
And also a guilty pleasure,

414
00:22:53.580 --> 00:22:57.660
because Ryan Gosling is pretty good looking.

415
00:22:57.660 --> 00:23:01.660
But the bottom line is, is that it is so unhealthy,

416
00:23:01.660 --> 00:23:03.540
it's not funny, all right?

417
00:23:03.540 --> 00:23:05.540
It's not funny.

418
00:23:05.540 --> 00:23:08.020
Okay, have you guys seen,

419
00:23:08.020 --> 00:23:11.060
have you seen the Gen Z version of that one scene

420
00:23:11.060 --> 00:23:12.820
where they're at the dock?

421
00:23:12.820 --> 00:23:14.620
Hopefully you guys all know what the notebook is.

422
00:23:14.620 --> 00:23:17.540
If you don't, I would, I'd just skip it, okay?

423
00:23:17.540 --> 00:23:19.420
Because it has a lot of spicy scenes in it,

424
00:23:19.420 --> 00:23:20.860
so I'm not gonna recommend it.

425
00:23:20.900 --> 00:23:24.220
But at the dock where she finally reconnects with him

426
00:23:24.220 --> 00:23:27.860
and she's like, why didn't you call me?

427
00:23:27.860 --> 00:23:29.300
You know, why didn't you write me

428
00:23:29.300 --> 00:23:30.940
back in the writing letters days?

429
00:23:30.940 --> 00:23:33.340
And so the Gen Z version of it was,

430
00:23:33.340 --> 00:23:35.940
you know, why didn't you text me?

431
00:23:35.940 --> 00:23:39.780
And he's like, I snapped you every day for a year.

432
00:23:39.780 --> 00:23:41.660
You guys know what Snapchat is, right?

433
00:23:41.660 --> 00:23:44.580
And it's in their voices, it's perfectly dubbed over.

434
00:23:44.580 --> 00:23:46.660
And she's like, you snapped me?

435
00:23:46.660 --> 00:23:50.780
And he's like, yes, I sent you 365 snaps.

436
00:23:51.580 --> 00:23:54.180
And then she goes, I don't have Snapchat.

437
00:23:58.060 --> 00:23:59.660
Tell me that's not funny.

438
00:23:59.660 --> 00:24:02.140
It's only funny if you know, if you know, you know.

439
00:24:02.140 --> 00:24:04.940
Okay, avoidant, what do the avoidants do?

440
00:24:04.940 --> 00:24:09.700
Early in connection, they delay their responses.

441
00:24:09.700 --> 00:24:11.420
I want you to be honest right now.

442
00:24:11.420 --> 00:24:15.620
If you have ever gotten a text message from someone

443
00:24:15.620 --> 00:24:18.340
that you're really excited about and you looked at it

444
00:24:18.340 --> 00:24:21.620
and you did not want to overeagerly respond to it,

445
00:24:21.620 --> 00:24:23.860
so you literally left it sitting there

446
00:24:23.860 --> 00:24:26.140
for an appropriate amount of time,

447
00:24:26.140 --> 00:24:29.220
just so you would seem like you didn't care.

448
00:24:32.700 --> 00:24:36.980
Raise your hand, raise your hand if you've ever done that.

449
00:24:38.020 --> 00:24:40.380
Well, I can't respond right away.

450
00:24:40.380 --> 00:24:41.940
I'll look like a psychopath.

451
00:24:42.820 --> 00:24:47.820
Look at all those hands, you guys, 40 people,

452
00:24:49.300 --> 00:24:53.300
42, 44, 46, 47.

453
00:24:53.300 --> 00:24:56.220
There's only 130 people here, 50.

454
00:24:57.740 --> 00:24:58.580
Look at that.

455
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:02.720
Mm, mm, mm, mm.

456
00:25:02.720 --> 00:25:04.480
Some of y'all even do that with friendships.

457
00:25:04.480 --> 00:25:06.920
You do that with like the same sex friendships

458
00:25:06.920 --> 00:25:10.400
because you just don't want to be rejected that badly.

459
00:25:10.400 --> 00:25:12.200
You don't want people to think that you need them

460
00:25:12.200 --> 00:25:13.560
more than they need you.

461
00:25:13.560 --> 00:25:16.120
Some of y'all, we gotta help.

462
00:25:16.120 --> 00:25:18.680
All right, you delay your responses

463
00:25:18.680 --> 00:25:23.200
and you avoid defining things.

464
00:25:23.200 --> 00:25:25.880
This is what an avoidant person will do early in connection.

465
00:25:25.880 --> 00:25:29.120
You'll avoid any kind of clarity.

466
00:25:29.120 --> 00:25:31.160
You'll avoid it like the plague.

467
00:25:31.160 --> 00:25:32.920
And what's their sabotage risk?

468
00:25:32.920 --> 00:25:35.920
It's high, just like the anxious attachers

469
00:25:35.920 --> 00:25:40.200
because what they do is they miss a good connection

470
00:25:40.200 --> 00:25:42.080
because of the fear of control

471
00:25:42.080 --> 00:25:44.160
or they push away good connections.

472
00:25:44.160 --> 00:25:46.600
They either miss it because they're like, eh, it's not,

473
00:25:46.600 --> 00:25:50.760
mm, nah, or they push it away

474
00:25:50.760 --> 00:25:54.280
because that person just isn't gonna continue

475
00:25:54.280 --> 00:25:56.200
to be on this rollercoaster ride with you.

476
00:25:56.200 --> 00:25:58.560
And then last but not least, disorganized.

477
00:25:58.560 --> 00:25:59.880
They're hot and cold, y'all.

478
00:25:59.880 --> 00:26:02.120
They're hot and cold, all right?

479
00:26:02.120 --> 00:26:04.160
That song by Katy Perry, Hot and Cold,

480
00:26:04.160 --> 00:26:05.520
this is who it's about.

481
00:26:05.520 --> 00:26:07.520
Hot and cold behavior.

482
00:26:07.520 --> 00:26:10.200
They have quick intensity and then they panic.

483
00:26:11.640 --> 00:26:13.120
They have quick intensity and panic.

484
00:26:13.120 --> 00:26:16.040
Have you ever been in a relationship with someone

485
00:26:16.040 --> 00:26:18.640
who comes in hot and heavy

486
00:26:18.640 --> 00:26:23.560
and then all of a sudden is just like, no, bye.

487
00:26:23.560 --> 00:26:24.600
No, bye.

488
00:26:24.600 --> 00:26:26.800
No, see you later, bye.

489
00:26:26.800 --> 00:26:27.640
Anybody?

490
00:26:27.640 --> 00:26:31.520
Raise your hand if it goes a thousand miles an hour

491
00:26:31.520 --> 00:26:35.960
right into a brick wall, like stops abruptly.

492
00:26:41.560 --> 00:26:43.080
Stops abruptly.

493
00:26:45.200 --> 00:26:46.280
The ride is over.

494
00:26:46.280 --> 00:26:48.160
You were on the ride and now it's over.

495
00:26:48.160 --> 00:26:49.160
It's a quick ride.

496
00:26:51.320 --> 00:26:52.160
Okay.

497
00:26:52.160 --> 00:26:53.800
Some of you are saying all the time,

498
00:26:53.800 --> 00:26:56.800
guys, if you're always picking people like this,

499
00:26:56.800 --> 00:26:57.640
we gotta look.

500
00:26:57.640 --> 00:26:58.960
We gotta look at what's going on with that.

501
00:26:58.960 --> 00:26:59.800
Okay.

502
00:26:59.800 --> 00:27:00.840
All right.

503
00:27:00.840 --> 00:27:02.560
So let's go into the pros and cons

504
00:27:02.560 --> 00:27:04.840
of attachment styles in early connection.

505
00:27:04.840 --> 00:27:05.840
I'm not even gonna say dating

506
00:27:05.840 --> 00:27:07.160
because you might even not be dating yet.

507
00:27:07.160 --> 00:27:08.640
You might just be connecting.

508
00:27:08.640 --> 00:27:10.480
Maybe you haven't even been on a date yet.

509
00:27:10.480 --> 00:27:11.320
All right?

510
00:27:11.320 --> 00:27:12.160
Okay.

511
00:27:12.160 --> 00:27:13.000
So let's look at the anxious.

512
00:27:13.000 --> 00:27:14.240
Hopefully you're taking notes.

513
00:27:15.200 --> 00:27:19.080
The anxious, the pro to having an anxious attachment style

514
00:27:19.080 --> 00:27:22.480
is that you're usually a really empathetic person.

515
00:27:22.480 --> 00:27:24.280
You're empathetic.

516
00:27:24.280 --> 00:27:26.160
You deeply feel the pain

517
00:27:26.160 --> 00:27:28.800
and the emotions of other people you're loving

518
00:27:28.800 --> 00:27:30.680
and you're emotionally tuned in.

519
00:27:30.680 --> 00:27:32.320
I just wanna let you know, that's a pro.

520
00:27:32.320 --> 00:27:35.240
That's beautiful to be that way

521
00:27:35.240 --> 00:27:37.080
for those of you that said you were anxious.

522
00:27:37.080 --> 00:27:38.880
Go ahead, while we're writing, just put your hand up

523
00:27:38.880 --> 00:27:40.520
if you said you were an anxious attacher.

524
00:27:40.520 --> 00:27:41.880
Let's see it.

525
00:27:41.880 --> 00:27:43.560
And then the con to that is,

526
00:27:43.560 --> 00:27:46.160
is that because of that ability

527
00:27:46.160 --> 00:27:49.240
to make emotional connection easily and quickly,

528
00:27:49.240 --> 00:27:51.560
you usually move too fast

529
00:27:51.560 --> 00:27:54.720
and you misinterpret the signals

530
00:27:56.480 --> 00:27:58.600
that a lot of times are neutral.

531
00:27:58.600 --> 00:28:00.080
They're neutral signals.

532
00:28:00.080 --> 00:28:03.360
Let's say that they're normal people signals, okay?

533
00:28:03.360 --> 00:28:06.840
Normal people have jobs that they go to

534
00:28:06.840 --> 00:28:09.600
that they're not texting you all day long, right?

535
00:28:09.600 --> 00:28:12.080
Listen, anxious attachers love to be love bombed.

536
00:28:12.080 --> 00:28:14.680
If they're love bombers, they love to love bomb

537
00:28:14.680 --> 00:28:16.240
and then they love to be love bombed

538
00:28:16.240 --> 00:28:17.680
because that makes them feel attached.

539
00:28:17.680 --> 00:28:18.880
It makes them feel like this person

540
00:28:18.880 --> 00:28:19.880
just can't get enough of them.

541
00:28:19.880 --> 00:28:21.920
They're just excited about them.

542
00:28:21.920 --> 00:28:23.560
But as soon as someone does something normal,

543
00:28:23.560 --> 00:28:27.520
like take a shower and not be on their phone

544
00:28:27.520 --> 00:28:29.240
for an hour and 45 minutes,

545
00:28:29.240 --> 00:28:32.440
you're fricking texting them asking, what happened?

546
00:28:33.760 --> 00:28:35.160
What happened?

547
00:28:35.160 --> 00:28:37.320
Nothing happened, okay?

548
00:28:37.320 --> 00:28:39.520
Bro needed to wash his stuff.

549
00:28:39.520 --> 00:28:40.560
That's what happened.

550
00:28:40.560 --> 00:28:42.600
He needed to get clean.

551
00:28:43.760 --> 00:28:46.720
I can't tell you how many people start to freak out

552
00:28:46.720 --> 00:28:48.440
when they haven't heard from someone

553
00:28:48.440 --> 00:28:50.600
in a normal amount of time.

554
00:28:50.600 --> 00:28:52.960
So a lot of times the con to anxious attachment

555
00:28:52.960 --> 00:28:54.800
is you are gonna misinterpret

556
00:28:54.800 --> 00:28:57.640
even normal behavior of other people

557
00:28:58.720 --> 00:29:02.520
because you're used to really unhealthy stuff, right?

558
00:29:02.520 --> 00:29:05.200
You're operating in unhealthy stuff

559
00:29:05.200 --> 00:29:08.240
and you're used to unhealthy stuff as well.

560
00:29:08.240 --> 00:29:11.600
Okay, and then guys, listen,

561
00:29:11.600 --> 00:29:13.160
I just wanna tell you something.

562
00:29:13.160 --> 00:29:14.960
A lot of women are anxious attachers,

563
00:29:14.960 --> 00:29:17.920
but the men that are anxious attachers,

564
00:29:18.400 --> 00:29:20.800
that looks even worse on you, okay?

565
00:29:20.800 --> 00:29:22.680
You're the guys that run in quick,

566
00:29:22.680 --> 00:29:23.920
you're love bombing,

567
00:29:23.920 --> 00:29:26.360
you're saying, I think that you're my future wife.

568
00:29:26.360 --> 00:29:28.120
You're saying all kinds of stuff

569
00:29:28.120 --> 00:29:30.560
from the very beginning of a connection.

570
00:29:30.560 --> 00:29:32.440
You're putting way too much onus on it.

571
00:29:32.440 --> 00:29:35.720
You're talking about the future on the first date

572
00:29:35.720 --> 00:29:38.760
like six months from now, a year from now.

573
00:29:38.760 --> 00:29:41.680
One guy, listen, one lady that I private coach,

574
00:29:41.680 --> 00:29:46.280
the first date, this guy sent her the love song

575
00:29:47.240 --> 00:29:51.680
that his favorite love song

576
00:29:51.680 --> 00:29:53.920
and said that it would be a great song

577
00:29:53.920 --> 00:29:55.640
for them to play at their wedding.

578
00:29:57.240 --> 00:30:00.120
Now, spoiler alert, they just got engaged.

579
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:00.840
Aged.

580
00:30:02.160 --> 00:30:04.440
But this was on the first date.

581
00:30:04.440 --> 00:30:07.200
And had he not had a lot of other green flags,

582
00:30:07.200 --> 00:30:08.840
look, just because you're an anxious attacher

583
00:30:08.840 --> 00:30:11.240
does not mean that you cannot be loved

584
00:30:11.240 --> 00:30:12.680
or that you're worthy of love.

585
00:30:12.680 --> 00:30:13.560
You are.

586
00:30:13.560 --> 00:30:15.400
But there was a lot of things that had to happen

587
00:30:15.400 --> 00:30:17.240
to get to where they are now.

588
00:30:17.240 --> 00:30:19.120
And it doesn't, just because you're, you know,

589
00:30:19.120 --> 00:30:20.960
attaching in an unhealthy way

590
00:30:20.960 --> 00:30:23.320
doesn't mean that it can't work out.

591
00:30:23.320 --> 00:30:24.760
Doesn't mean that it can't work out.

592
00:30:24.760 --> 00:30:26.960
But there's just a lot that has to be uncovered

593
00:30:26.960 --> 00:30:28.080
in order to get there.

594
00:30:28.160 --> 00:30:30.040
But that happened on the first date.

595
00:30:30.040 --> 00:30:32.600
Well, we could play this at our wedding.

596
00:30:32.600 --> 00:30:33.440
Excuse me?

597
00:30:34.600 --> 00:30:35.640
What?

598
00:30:35.640 --> 00:30:36.560
No.

599
00:30:36.560 --> 00:30:37.400
Okay.

600
00:30:37.400 --> 00:30:38.240
Avoidance.

601
00:30:38.240 --> 00:30:39.240
Here's your pro.

602
00:30:39.240 --> 00:30:40.760
For those of you that are avoidant,

603
00:30:40.760 --> 00:30:41.760
you're independent.

604
00:30:43.280 --> 00:30:45.440
God didn't create you to be independent,

605
00:30:45.440 --> 00:30:46.280
but guess what?

606
00:30:46.280 --> 00:30:48.160
You can get a lot of stuff done.

607
00:30:48.160 --> 00:30:49.000
That's good.

608
00:30:49.000 --> 00:30:49.840
You're a go-getter.

609
00:30:49.840 --> 00:30:50.960
You're a can-doer.

610
00:30:50.960 --> 00:30:52.040
That's awesome.

611
00:30:52.040 --> 00:30:55.000
And usually avoidant people have a more calm,

612
00:30:55.880 --> 00:30:57.600
that's because they're not really in touch

613
00:30:58.080 --> 00:30:59.440
with their emotional center.

614
00:31:00.600 --> 00:31:03.240
This is what allows them to disengage so quickly.

615
00:31:03.240 --> 00:31:05.440
You know, I can really tell if someone's avoidant.

616
00:31:05.440 --> 00:31:07.600
They date someone for like nine months.

617
00:31:07.600 --> 00:31:08.800
It gets really serious.

618
00:31:08.800 --> 00:31:10.720
It's like even talking about marriage

619
00:31:10.720 --> 00:31:12.400
and then there's a breakup.

620
00:31:12.400 --> 00:31:14.880
And then afterwards I say to them,

621
00:31:14.880 --> 00:31:16.520
do you know, do you miss them?

622
00:31:16.520 --> 00:31:17.360
No.

623
00:31:20.440 --> 00:31:23.880
If you, listen, if you are in a serious relationship

624
00:31:23.880 --> 00:31:26.160
or even a semi-serious relationship,

625
00:31:26.160 --> 00:31:28.000
that's not abusive.

626
00:31:28.000 --> 00:31:28.840
Okay.

627
00:31:28.840 --> 00:31:30.480
Just a regular relationship.

628
00:31:30.480 --> 00:31:32.160
And it breaks off for whatever reason,

629
00:31:32.160 --> 00:31:33.560
can't go forward together.

630
00:31:33.560 --> 00:31:35.400
And you don't grieve it.

631
00:31:35.400 --> 00:31:38.320
There's no grieving that happens after that loss.

632
00:31:38.320 --> 00:31:41.200
You're probably an avoidant or disorganized.

633
00:31:42.280 --> 00:31:43.120
Why?

634
00:31:43.120 --> 00:31:44.720
Because you never attached.

635
00:31:44.720 --> 00:31:46.200
That's why you don't miss them.

636
00:31:46.200 --> 00:31:47.720
You never really let them in.

637
00:31:47.720 --> 00:31:49.640
Does that make sense to everyone?

638
00:31:49.640 --> 00:31:52.400
You never let them in.

639
00:31:52.400 --> 00:31:53.920
And that's also why the relationship ended

640
00:31:53.920 --> 00:31:55.840
because it can't go forward if you don't let them in.

641
00:31:56.520 --> 00:31:58.640
So you're calm a lot of times.

642
00:31:58.640 --> 00:32:02.360
A lot of times people that have avoidant attachment

643
00:32:02.360 --> 00:32:06.680
have pretty strong standards and values

644
00:32:06.680 --> 00:32:08.440
and usually pretty good boundaries.

645
00:32:09.480 --> 00:32:10.880
That's a pro.

646
00:32:10.880 --> 00:32:12.280
Here's the con.

647
00:32:12.280 --> 00:32:14.240
They struggle with emotional vulnerability

648
00:32:14.240 --> 00:32:16.040
and that's huge friends.

649
00:32:16.040 --> 00:32:17.240
That's huge for a relationship.

650
00:32:17.240 --> 00:32:18.480
You have to be able to be vulnerable.

651
00:32:18.480 --> 00:32:19.440
Write this down.

652
00:32:19.440 --> 00:32:21.600
The number one thing that you are looking for

653
00:32:21.600 --> 00:32:23.960
in a partner is vulnerability.

654
00:32:23.960 --> 00:32:25.480
That's the number one thing.

655
00:32:26.160 --> 00:32:27.520
Can they open up to you?

656
00:32:27.520 --> 00:32:30.320
Not on the first date, all the TMI,

657
00:32:30.320 --> 00:32:33.000
but can they, are they showing signs

658
00:32:33.000 --> 00:32:37.400
of being able to let you into their world?

659
00:32:37.400 --> 00:32:38.240
Can they?

660
00:32:38.240 --> 00:32:39.760
Okay.

661
00:32:39.760 --> 00:32:43.160
So struggles with vulnerability and avoids the talk.

662
00:32:44.040 --> 00:32:47.720
Avoidant people will avoid,

663
00:32:47.720 --> 00:32:49.120
see what I did there?

664
00:32:49.120 --> 00:32:53.120
They will avoid putting a label on the relationship

665
00:32:53.120 --> 00:32:56.280
for as long as humanly possible.

666
00:32:56.280 --> 00:32:58.680
They will avoid making any kind of promises,

667
00:32:58.680 --> 00:33:00.600
whether overt or covert.

668
00:33:00.600 --> 00:33:02.560
They will avoid talking about the future.

669
00:33:02.560 --> 00:33:05.560
They will avoid making plans that are too future-based.

670
00:33:07.080 --> 00:33:08.680
They will not give you clarity.

671
00:33:10.440 --> 00:33:12.960
If you are in a relationship with an avoidant person,

672
00:33:12.960 --> 00:33:14.760
you will think it's connection,

673
00:33:14.760 --> 00:33:16.600
but it will really just be confusion.

674
00:33:18.920 --> 00:33:20.360
All right?

675
00:33:20.360 --> 00:33:21.400
Okay.

676
00:33:21.400 --> 00:33:22.560
All right, secure.

677
00:33:22.960 --> 00:33:23.800
Here's your pros.

678
00:33:23.800 --> 00:33:28.600
You communicate your needs very clearly.

679
00:33:28.600 --> 00:33:30.160
This is what secure folks do.

680
00:33:30.160 --> 00:33:32.000
And remember, we can think like secure people,

681
00:33:32.000 --> 00:33:33.720
even if we're not.

682
00:33:33.720 --> 00:33:34.560
You're like, well, Jackie,

683
00:33:34.560 --> 00:33:36.360
can't we just become secure attachers?

684
00:33:38.960 --> 00:33:42.480
Attachment, according to theory,

685
00:33:42.480 --> 00:33:45.200
is formed very, very young.

686
00:33:45.200 --> 00:33:48.440
So your ways of attaching,

687
00:33:48.440 --> 00:33:50.200
it's kind of like your ways of walking.

688
00:33:50.240 --> 00:33:53.720
Can you put some Dr. Scholls in your shoes

689
00:33:53.720 --> 00:33:56.040
and stop walking with your feet turned inward?

690
00:33:58.160 --> 00:33:59.080
When my daughter was young,

691
00:33:59.080 --> 00:34:01.800
my mom's like, get some stride rights on her.

692
00:34:01.800 --> 00:34:03.280
You're gonna make her bow-legged.

693
00:34:03.280 --> 00:34:04.120
You're gonna do this.

694
00:34:04.120 --> 00:34:04.960
You're gonna do that.

695
00:34:04.960 --> 00:34:06.080
And I never really thought it was important

696
00:34:06.080 --> 00:34:07.360
what kind of shoes you put on babies

697
00:34:07.360 --> 00:34:08.199
when they're learning to walk,

698
00:34:08.199 --> 00:34:10.000
but learning to walk,

699
00:34:10.000 --> 00:34:11.159
that's the way you're gonna walk

700
00:34:11.159 --> 00:34:13.360
for the rest of your life, okay?

701
00:34:13.360 --> 00:34:14.719
So if you walk like this,

702
00:34:14.719 --> 00:34:15.800
if you walk like that,

703
00:34:15.800 --> 00:34:16.880
if you walk like this,

704
00:34:16.880 --> 00:34:18.920
if you walk like that, okay?

705
00:34:18.920 --> 00:34:20.199
So it's kind of like attachment

706
00:34:20.199 --> 00:34:23.920
in the way that you still probably

707
00:34:23.920 --> 00:34:28.040
are going to have those impulses

708
00:34:28.040 --> 00:34:30.120
to that type of attachment,

709
00:34:30.120 --> 00:34:31.280
but just like walking,

710
00:34:31.280 --> 00:34:32.719
like when you think about it,

711
00:34:32.719 --> 00:34:33.719
you can straighten out.

712
00:34:33.719 --> 00:34:34.600
You know what I'm saying?

713
00:34:34.600 --> 00:34:36.159
Like if you're self-aware,

714
00:34:36.159 --> 00:34:38.120
you can self-correct,

715
00:34:38.120 --> 00:34:40.760
just to make sure that you don't over-correct.

716
00:34:40.760 --> 00:34:42.600
Not with just walking, not walking, of course,

717
00:34:42.600 --> 00:34:46.400
but with some people, like if they're anxious,

718
00:34:46.440 --> 00:34:49.360
they'll over-correct by starting to act avoidant.

719
00:34:49.360 --> 00:34:52.239
They'll wait a half hour, 45 minutes

720
00:34:52.239 --> 00:34:53.520
before texting back.

721
00:34:53.520 --> 00:34:54.600
They'll wait a couple of days.

722
00:34:54.600 --> 00:34:56.120
They'll start making rules for themselves

723
00:34:56.120 --> 00:34:56.960
to over-correct.

724
00:34:56.960 --> 00:34:58.760
No, secure people don't do that.

725
00:34:58.760 --> 00:35:00.080
They're secure people.

726
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:04.000
People communicate their needs clearly and they build slow and steady.

727
00:35:04.000 --> 00:35:05.000
That's their pro.

728
00:35:05.000 --> 00:35:06.000
Here's their con.

729
00:35:06.000 --> 00:35:11.520
They may not feel exciting at first to those who are used to drama.

730
00:35:11.520 --> 00:35:16.520
If you meet someone who's a secure attach, they may seem a little bit like vanilla in

731
00:35:16.520 --> 00:35:20.080
a rocky road world.

732
00:35:20.080 --> 00:35:27.760
You know, you're at Baskin Robbins and there's 31 flavors and you ain't going to pick vanilla.

733
00:35:27.760 --> 00:35:29.720
No.

734
00:35:29.720 --> 00:35:32.280
That's what they might seem like unexciting.

735
00:35:32.280 --> 00:35:38.960
But I promise you, because my husband is a secure attach and he definitely, I mean when

736
00:35:38.960 --> 00:35:44.920
I realized about, I don't know, six months into our marriage that I was never going to

737
00:35:44.920 --> 00:35:50.680
have a reason to call my girlfriends and cry all night on the phone and drink a box of

738
00:35:50.680 --> 00:35:51.680
wine.

739
00:35:51.680 --> 00:35:52.680
Yes.

740
00:35:52.680 --> 00:35:56.160
I said a box of wine, not a bottle because wine came in boxes back then.

741
00:35:56.160 --> 00:35:58.200
The real good stuff, right?

742
00:35:58.200 --> 00:36:01.080
And listen to Dave Matthews and cry.

743
00:36:01.080 --> 00:36:05.440
When I realized that I was never going to be on that roller coaster anymore, there was

744
00:36:05.440 --> 00:36:09.320
a little grieving process, a little bit of grieving process.

745
00:36:09.320 --> 00:36:10.320
You know why?

746
00:36:10.320 --> 00:36:17.680
Because anxious attachers, while they want love, they also love the drama.

747
00:36:17.680 --> 00:36:18.680
They love it.

748
00:36:18.680 --> 00:36:21.600
They live for the drama.

749
00:36:21.600 --> 00:36:22.920
They do.

750
00:36:22.920 --> 00:36:24.320
Okay.

751
00:36:24.320 --> 00:36:26.120
And then disorganized.

752
00:36:26.120 --> 00:36:28.320
Here's your pro you're intuitive.

753
00:36:28.320 --> 00:36:29.580
You're passionate.

754
00:36:29.580 --> 00:36:34.880
You're often spiritual seekers because remember we have that, that anxious part of us, right?

755
00:36:34.880 --> 00:36:37.040
That's emotionally empathic.

756
00:36:37.040 --> 00:36:43.160
But then the con is you can feel chaotic or stable in early relationships to other people,

757
00:36:43.160 --> 00:36:44.160
to other people.

758
00:36:44.160 --> 00:36:49.720
You can feel, you know, relationally bipolar.

759
00:36:49.720 --> 00:36:50.720
I love you.

760
00:36:50.720 --> 00:36:51.720
Let's cuddle.

761
00:36:51.720 --> 00:36:54.480
I'm going to break up with you because you're not committed to purity.

762
00:36:54.480 --> 00:36:58.720
I know I asked you to cuddle, but I'm just feeling like this is not the right match anymore

763
00:36:58.720 --> 00:37:05.280
because I can't trust you because you cuddled me after I asked you to what you guys, just

764
00:37:05.280 --> 00:37:08.680
so you know, all the names have been changed, but these are real life scenarios that I coach

765
00:37:08.680 --> 00:37:10.600
every single day.

766
00:37:10.600 --> 00:37:12.600
All right.

767
00:37:12.600 --> 00:37:14.000
Real life scenarios.

768
00:37:14.000 --> 00:37:17.840
That is a disorganized attacher right there.

769
00:37:17.840 --> 00:37:23.040
You want, you're going to force connection and even physical intimacy, maybe not sex,

770
00:37:23.280 --> 00:37:26.600
but some version of physical intimacy, whatever it takes for you to feel secure.

771
00:37:26.600 --> 00:37:31.680
And then you're going to push it away all probably within the same 24 hours.

772
00:37:31.680 --> 00:37:32.680
No.

773
00:37:32.680 --> 00:37:36.040
All right.

774
00:37:36.040 --> 00:37:40.720
So if you're anxious, you guys, here are some tips on early relationship, and then we're

775
00:37:40.720 --> 00:37:41.720
going to play a game.

776
00:37:41.720 --> 00:37:44.480
So you guys want to play a game?

777
00:37:44.480 --> 00:37:46.440
Who's learning something and anything?

778
00:37:46.440 --> 00:37:48.000
We're just going to laugh until we learn something.

779
00:37:48.000 --> 00:37:50.000
We just want to laugh until we learn something.

780
00:37:50.000 --> 00:37:51.000
Okay.

781
00:37:51.000 --> 00:37:52.000
All right.

782
00:37:52.000 --> 00:37:54.560
So here are the tips for those of you that said you were anxious.

783
00:37:54.560 --> 00:37:58.920
These, these are tips for early in the connection.

784
00:37:58.920 --> 00:38:04.120
Do not build a fantasy in your mind before having the facts about this person before

785
00:38:04.120 --> 00:38:05.520
really getting to know them.

786
00:38:05.520 --> 00:38:10.120
Do not allow yourself, look, you're going to have to stop yourself.

787
00:38:10.120 --> 00:38:12.200
Do not allow yourself to start reading the signs.

788
00:38:12.200 --> 00:38:13.760
Oh my gosh.

789
00:38:13.760 --> 00:38:19.460
Oh, you know, God told me he was going to send me a Prince and this guy's name is William

790
00:38:19.460 --> 00:38:21.100
and Prince William is a person.

791
00:38:21.100 --> 00:38:28.420
So it must be the person don't start telling yourself stories and looking for the signs.

792
00:38:28.420 --> 00:38:29.940
I just drove by a street sign.

793
00:38:29.940 --> 00:38:32.460
It said, William, it must be the guy.

794
00:38:32.460 --> 00:38:34.420
Don't do it gentlemen.

795
00:38:34.420 --> 00:38:39.860
You don't usually do this as much, but don't start imagining, you know, whatever it is

796
00:38:39.860 --> 00:38:40.860
you guys imagined.

797
00:38:40.860 --> 00:38:42.660
I don't even want to ask.

798
00:38:42.660 --> 00:38:43.660
Okay.

799
00:38:43.660 --> 00:38:50.500
So bottom line is don't do it, wait, and it's going to be really hard for you anxious

800
00:38:50.500 --> 00:38:53.700
attachers, but I'm going to, I'm going to put this precedent here.

801
00:38:53.700 --> 00:39:01.860
Do not make someone exclusive with you until you've been dating for at least, especially

802
00:39:01.860 --> 00:39:08.620
if you're really bad, anxious attacher, at least 60 days, at least 60 days, preferably

803
00:39:08.620 --> 00:39:09.620
90.

804
00:39:09.620 --> 00:39:10.860
What is that?

805
00:39:10.860 --> 00:39:14.220
That's three months.

806
00:39:14.220 --> 00:39:15.420
Am I telling you not to date them?

807
00:39:15.420 --> 00:39:16.420
No.

808
00:39:16.420 --> 00:39:20.820
I'm telling you not to make them your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your one, the exclusive relationship,

809
00:39:20.820 --> 00:39:24.020
the level three exclusivity.

810
00:39:24.020 --> 00:39:26.460
Don't do it.

811
00:39:26.460 --> 00:39:30.740
And then ladies, this is for you.

812
00:39:30.740 --> 00:39:37.420
Give the men room to do the very thing that you're saying you want them to do.

813
00:39:37.420 --> 00:39:44.780
And that is to intentionally seek you out, give room for them.

814
00:39:44.780 --> 00:39:48.620
You know, when I was little, when I was a little kid, my, my mom used to say, let him

815
00:39:48.620 --> 00:39:52.620
miss you, let him miss you for a second.

816
00:39:52.620 --> 00:39:54.420
That's not playing a game.

817
00:39:54.420 --> 00:39:55.420
He's not going to miss you.

818
00:39:55.420 --> 00:39:59.300
If you're texting him 200 times a day.

819
00:39:59.300 --> 00:40:00.020
Can I tell you something?

820
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:05.120
men have, the truth is, is that men have fewer words than women. And so if you're constantly

821
00:40:05.120 --> 00:40:09.840
showing up needing affirmation, especially verbal affirmation, needing to talk, needing this,

822
00:40:09.840 --> 00:40:20.800
needing that. Okay. And he only has 563 days, a 63 words today, and you list used up 542 of them.

823
00:40:20.800 --> 00:40:26.880
How's he going to keep his job? He has no words left to talk. Nothing. It's gone.

824
00:40:26.880 --> 00:40:33.600
So he's going to start feeling overwhelmed. Men, listen, you have to hear me. Men start

825
00:40:33.600 --> 00:40:42.320
feeling emotionally overwhelmed by connection really easily. Right? You can go on and on and

826
00:40:42.320 --> 00:40:47.600
on. You're like the emotional energizer bunny. No, especially not early in relationship. Do not

827
00:40:47.600 --> 00:40:52.880
do that. Give him a room, give him room to miss you. Give him room to intentionally seek you out.

828
00:40:53.360 --> 00:41:00.880
Okay. Don't over-text. Please, please don't do this for any of you that do this,

829
00:41:01.600 --> 00:41:06.560
go ahead and tell me if you do it in the chat. Cause I want to know, don't check their socials.

830
00:41:08.160 --> 00:41:12.800
If you haven't heard from them, Oh, where's he at? This is usually for more of a Gen Z kind

831
00:41:12.800 --> 00:41:18.880
of younger millennial crowd. And that's why it's in my book. Um, but don't go looking at

832
00:41:18.880 --> 00:41:25.680
their socials. Okay. Don't go looking at their socials to see what they're doing. Instead of

833
00:41:25.680 --> 00:41:29.760
hanging out with you, man, they didn't ask me on a date this weekend. What are they doing this

834
00:41:29.760 --> 00:41:37.520
weekend? That's better than hanging out with me. All right. Okay. And then what I want you to do

835
00:41:37.520 --> 00:41:45.440
is I want you to practice thinking like a secure person. And if that means writing yourself,

836
00:41:45.440 --> 00:41:51.120
what I call secure scripts, then go ahead and do that. Write yourself out a couple bullet points

837
00:41:52.480 --> 00:41:58.720
of how you would respond if you were responding from a place of security. Cause remember friends,

838
00:41:58.720 --> 00:42:06.960
we all are accepted in the beloved. We all are whole in Christ. We are secure. We are loved.

839
00:42:06.960 --> 00:42:11.440
We are wanted. We are seen, we are known all of those things. And you have to approach

840
00:42:11.440 --> 00:42:20.640
relationship from that place. So write yourself out a few scripts of what it would sound like to,

841
00:42:20.640 --> 00:42:27.440
to respond securely. What does secure people do? They, they ask for what they need very clearly.

842
00:42:27.440 --> 00:42:32.560
So what would that look like in early relationship? It would look like you saying, Hey,

843
00:42:32.560 --> 00:42:38.240
you know, um, you said you wanted to go out again. Like they say, Hey, I'd like to see you again. You

844
00:42:38.240 --> 00:42:43.280
just say, Hey, that would be great. Um, just to let you know, um, I, I have, I have a really busy

845
00:42:43.280 --> 00:42:48.000
season at work right now. And so if you want to go out again, just, I would just ask that you just

846
00:42:48.000 --> 00:42:53.120
let me know, you know, at least, you know, by Monday and Tuesday, if you want for the weekend

847
00:42:53.120 --> 00:42:57.200
or like whatever your boundary is, you guys, that's completely permissible. Hey, I can't,

848
00:42:57.200 --> 00:43:01.360
I can't really do spontaneous or last minute stuff right now. Not that I'm not spontaneous, but I

849
00:43:01.360 --> 00:43:08.160
can't because I have a, you know, um, a child, I have this, I have that, whatever, and let them

850
00:43:08.160 --> 00:43:12.720
know. What is your boundary? What's your secure script? You're asking for what you need. If you

851
00:43:12.720 --> 00:43:21.920
want to see me, these are the rules around seeing me. Makes sense. Okay. So we can practice some

852
00:43:21.920 --> 00:43:27.840
secure scripts for all of you guys that are not secure. Attachers later. Here's avoidant. Here's

853
00:43:27.840 --> 00:43:34.880
some tips for early connection. Don't pull away just because you're excited about them.

854
00:43:36.320 --> 00:43:42.160
Don't start to pull away just because you're like, Oh, I'm excited. I'm excited about them.

855
00:43:42.160 --> 00:43:47.760
Okay. That's not a red flag. When something starts to get real and feel real. That's not

856
00:43:47.760 --> 00:43:55.520
a red flag. That's called intimacy. That's called intimacy. You might start to think,

857
00:43:55.520 --> 00:43:58.640
Oh, you know, what's wrong with this person?

858
00:44:00.720 --> 00:44:04.880
I'm starting to really, I'm starting to really think about them. Oh, I better stop that. No,

859
00:44:04.880 --> 00:44:11.040
that's called intimacy. Now, if you need space because you're starting to freak out, just be

860
00:44:11.040 --> 00:44:17.920
honest. Can you believe it? You're allowed to be honest. You're allowed to communicate your needs.

861
00:44:18.640 --> 00:44:27.120
You're allowed to say, Hey, I have never, you know, gone on five dates in a week and it's

862
00:44:27.120 --> 00:44:31.360
starting to freak me out a little bit. And so just want to let you know that I'm going to take

863
00:44:31.360 --> 00:44:36.640
the weekend and hang out with my family or hang out with my friends or do whatever. Um, you know,

864
00:44:36.640 --> 00:44:43.360
but don't worry, but don't disappear. Ask for space. Not like, Oh, you take time to pray and

865
00:44:43.360 --> 00:44:50.560
fast and see if God says you're the one. No. Okay. It's okay to take a couple of days off

866
00:44:50.560 --> 00:44:54.480
when you've been on a marathon date, just let them know you're taking a couple of days off

867
00:44:55.200 --> 00:44:59.840
and then don't disappear. Don't disappear. All right. Don't disappear.

868
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:04.240
Here, if you put right now, I want to see hands of,

869
00:45:04.240 --> 00:45:07.620
if you've ever ghosted someone because you just,

870
00:45:09.200 --> 00:45:11.840
not because they were abusive or toxic or anything,

871
00:45:11.840 --> 00:45:15.000
you just ghosted them because you just weren't,

872
00:45:15.000 --> 00:45:16.920
you just want it to end the thing,

873
00:45:16.920 --> 00:45:18.880
but you didn't want to have the conversations.

874
00:45:18.880 --> 00:45:20.560
You didn't want to hurt their feelings

875
00:45:20.560 --> 00:45:24.880
or you felt, you know, embarrassed about it or whatever.

876
00:45:24.880 --> 00:45:27.080
So you just disappeared.

877
00:45:28.080 --> 00:45:30.080
Okay, that's way too many people.

878
00:45:31.960 --> 00:45:34.560
Guys, that's not, that's not Christ-like.

879
00:45:36.120 --> 00:45:37.920
This is why people become anxious attachers,

880
00:45:37.920 --> 00:45:40.120
because people ghost them and disappear.

881
00:45:40.120 --> 00:45:43.200
Okay, and a lot of times, friends,

882
00:45:43.200 --> 00:45:45.360
if you are an anxious attacher,

883
00:45:45.360 --> 00:45:47.200
that's the people that get ghosted.

884
00:45:48.080 --> 00:45:49.200
They're the people that get ghosted

885
00:45:49.200 --> 00:45:50.680
because you've just become too much.

886
00:45:50.680 --> 00:45:52.240
Now the person doesn't even know what to do with you,

887
00:45:52.240 --> 00:45:54.480
so they just disappear, all right?

888
00:45:54.480 --> 00:45:59.400
So please do yourself a favor, slow your roll.

889
00:45:59.400 --> 00:46:01.960
Okay, and then last, lean into connection

890
00:46:01.960 --> 00:46:04.520
instead of always defaulting to alone time,

891
00:46:04.520 --> 00:46:06.280
even if it's not romantic connection.

892
00:46:06.280 --> 00:46:08.920
All of you avoidant attachers,

893
00:46:08.920 --> 00:46:11.720
I want you to really make it a point

894
00:46:11.720 --> 00:46:14.920
to get into more connection with others.

895
00:46:15.920 --> 00:46:17.600
A lot of times avoidant people

896
00:46:17.600 --> 00:46:22.240
have a tendency to be real loners, safer, right?

897
00:46:22.680 --> 00:46:26.480
So lean into friendships, lean into community.

898
00:46:26.480 --> 00:46:28.960
This is what's gonna help you to overcome some of this.

899
00:46:28.960 --> 00:46:31.200
All right, so if you're a disorganized attacher,

900
00:46:31.200 --> 00:46:33.120
here's some tips for you.

901
00:46:35.640 --> 00:46:37.280
Keep it here, okay?

902
00:46:38.400 --> 00:46:42.040
Remember that scene in Hitch where, you know,

903
00:46:42.040 --> 00:46:44.600
he's like, he wants them to stay right here dancing.

904
00:46:44.600 --> 00:46:46.400
He doesn't want any make the pizza,

905
00:46:46.400 --> 00:46:48.320
make the pizza, none of that.

906
00:46:48.320 --> 00:46:50.800
All right, for you guys, on the first couple dates,

907
00:46:50.800 --> 00:46:52.760
there's no make the pizza, all right?

908
00:46:52.760 --> 00:46:54.760
You're just gonna, right here, this is where you live.

909
00:46:54.760 --> 00:46:56.480
This is where you live, okay?

910
00:46:56.480 --> 00:46:57.320
This is where you live.

911
00:46:57.320 --> 00:47:00.080
If you were a dance, this is where you live.

912
00:47:00.080 --> 00:47:01.240
Keep it grounded.

913
00:47:01.240 --> 00:47:02.840
Intense is not hot.

914
00:47:03.800 --> 00:47:07.520
It's not, right?

915
00:47:07.520 --> 00:47:08.760
And then get support.

916
00:47:10.000 --> 00:47:11.920
Journal the things that you're thinking

917
00:47:11.920 --> 00:47:14.560
and show them to someone who's a little more sane than you

918
00:47:14.560 --> 00:47:17.360
and say, hey, does this sound right?

919
00:47:17.480 --> 00:47:21.800
Let other people into your process with you.

920
00:47:21.800 --> 00:47:25.120
Does this sound right?

921
00:47:25.120 --> 00:47:29.840
And they'll be like, no, no, it doesn't, okay?

922
00:47:29.840 --> 00:47:32.360
Talk to a coach, show up in community.

923
00:47:32.360 --> 00:47:34.480
We wanna hear your crazy thoughts.

924
00:47:34.480 --> 00:47:36.120
Tell us, we're gonna be nice.

925
00:47:36.120 --> 00:47:38.200
I promise you, we're gonna help you.

926
00:47:38.200 --> 00:47:40.240
And then don't blow it up

927
00:47:40.240 --> 00:47:43.240
before giving it a chance to stabilize.

928
00:47:43.240 --> 00:47:45.280
Don't just blow up the whole thing, okay?

929
00:47:45.280 --> 00:47:47.840
Disorganized attachers have a tendency to just,

930
00:47:47.840 --> 00:47:50.280
ooh, go big or go home.

931
00:47:52.040 --> 00:47:53.160
Go big or go home.

932
00:47:53.160 --> 00:47:55.400
Don't, don't, you guys.

933
00:47:55.400 --> 00:47:56.240
Okay.

934
00:47:58.760 --> 00:48:00.400
Okay, I wanna see where I wanna go here.

935
00:48:00.400 --> 00:48:01.520
We're at 749.

936
00:48:01.520 --> 00:48:03.160
I definitely wanna play the game.

937
00:48:15.280 --> 00:48:16.120
Okay.

938
00:48:21.680 --> 00:48:23.800
Okay, so I think I'm gonna put you in breakout rooms.

939
00:48:23.800 --> 00:48:25.680
Would that be all right?

940
00:48:25.680 --> 00:48:27.040
Okay, I'm gonna put you in breakout rooms

941
00:48:27.040 --> 00:48:28.360
and here's your breakout.

942
00:48:28.360 --> 00:48:30.040
Here's the question.

943
00:48:30.040 --> 00:48:31.160
Which attachment style?

944
00:48:31.160 --> 00:48:32.560
You're gonna share attachment style

945
00:48:32.560 --> 00:48:33.520
with the other people in your room.

946
00:48:33.520 --> 00:48:34.800
There might be one other person.

947
00:48:34.800 --> 00:48:36.880
There might be two other people.

948
00:48:36.880 --> 00:48:38.480
Share your attachment style

949
00:48:39.640 --> 00:48:42.720
that you resonate with most in early dating.

950
00:48:42.760 --> 00:48:44.160
Maybe you become more secure

951
00:48:44.160 --> 00:48:45.960
as you're in longer periods of dating.

952
00:48:45.960 --> 00:48:48.200
In early dating, right when you're meeting someone,

953
00:48:48.200 --> 00:48:50.760
do you show up anxious if you like them?

954
00:48:50.760 --> 00:48:53.080
Do you show up avoidant if you like them?

955
00:48:53.080 --> 00:48:55.240
Do you show up disorganized?

956
00:48:55.240 --> 00:48:56.800
Okay, do you show up secure?

957
00:48:56.800 --> 00:48:59.280
So share that and then also share

958
00:48:59.280 --> 00:49:01.800
something that they can hold you accountable with, okay?

959
00:49:01.800 --> 00:49:04.200
What's one thing that you can do differently

960
00:49:04.200 --> 00:49:07.120
right when you meet someone and you're into them?

961
00:49:07.120 --> 00:49:08.600
Okay, you had a good date.

962
00:49:08.600 --> 00:49:10.800
Let's just say, we'll give everyone the same scenario.

963
00:49:10.800 --> 00:49:12.560
You had a really great first date.

964
00:49:13.400 --> 00:49:15.160
What's one thing that you can do differently

965
00:49:15.160 --> 00:49:18.760
besides what you've been doing to show up more securely?

966
00:49:21.400 --> 00:49:23.280
What's one thing that you can do differently

967
00:49:23.280 --> 00:49:26.960
to show up more secure in yourself,

968
00:49:26.960 --> 00:49:30.040
more confident in your value

969
00:49:30.040 --> 00:49:32.800
instead of trying to get it from someone else

970
00:49:32.800 --> 00:49:36.440
or trying to prevent someone else from trying to get it?

971
00:49:36.440 --> 00:49:37.280
What can you do?

972
00:49:37.280 --> 00:49:38.800
Does that make sense to everyone?

973
00:49:39.720 --> 00:49:41.240
Okay, I do want you guys

974
00:49:41.240 --> 00:49:43.520
to have a little interaction with each other.

975
00:49:46.040 --> 00:49:47.200
And then we're gonna play a game.

976
00:49:47.200 --> 00:49:48.120
It's gonna be fun.

977
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:21.000
Okay.

978
00:50:21.000 --> 00:50:24.000
All right. Let's see.

979
00:50:24.000 --> 00:50:45.000
I'm going to give you guys, let's see, you guys are going to be in these breakouts for about six, seven minutes. Okay.

980
00:50:45.000 --> 00:50:50.000
Two to three participants per room, create and open. See you soon.

981
00:51:15.000 --> 00:51:30.000
I went to go to my room, and it disappeared.

982
00:51:30.000 --> 00:51:35.000
Okay, well, let's see if we can figure it out.

983
00:51:35.000 --> 00:51:40.000
There's a little square at the top says break is that what I'm supposed to punch on face. Yes.

984
00:51:41.000 --> 00:51:49.000
Sorry. Okay.

985
00:51:49.000 --> 00:51:53.000
All right, the rest of you ladies that are here.

986
00:51:53.000 --> 00:51:58.000
Are you not hitting your breakout rooms or what's happening.

987
00:51:58.000 --> 00:52:16.000
Going okay.

988
00:52:16.000 --> 00:52:40.000
Okay.

989
00:52:40.000 --> 00:52:48.000
Yeah, I said just, I don't see anybody in my group yet.

990
00:52:48.000 --> 00:53:01.000
Okay, well, they're there now hunter you just left them.

991
00:53:01.000 --> 00:53:13.000
I wasn't able to join the group fast enough Jackie. Do you have to send it again. This is Victoria.

992
00:53:13.000 --> 00:53:14.000
I'm looking.

993
00:53:14.000 --> 00:53:30.000
Okay.

994
00:53:30.000 --> 00:53:40.000
All right, there's a bunch of you guys here so if you guys want to come on camera, we can just do a little can do a little session right here with you guys.

995
00:53:40.000 --> 00:53:46.000
If you're here, maybe you're just maybe it looks like you're here but you're not.

996
00:53:46.000 --> 00:53:48.000
Hi.

997
00:53:48.000 --> 00:53:49.000
Hi Jackie.

998
00:53:50.000 --> 00:53:59.000
Okay, so we have a couple of you that I don't know why it didn't put you guys in groups it doesn't say that you're unassigned either so it doesn't really make any sense.

999
00:53:59.000 --> 00:54:04.000
You might have some setting on your zoom that doesn't allow you to be put in a group but.

1000
00:54:04.000 --> 00:54:11.000
Okay, so just real quick we'll do a round Robin what's your attachment style and early related early connection.

1001
00:54:11.000 --> 00:54:23.000
Christina.

1002
00:54:23.000 --> 00:54:33.000
Oh, she must not be here. How about you Kim anxious. Okay, anxious. All right, is Melanie here.

1003
00:54:34.000 --> 00:54:38.000
Ruth is here Ruth what is yours.

1004
00:54:38.000 --> 00:54:44.000
Secure. Okay, what about you for you, Victoria.

1005
00:54:44.000 --> 00:54:46.000
Secure.

1006
00:54:46.000 --> 00:54:48.000
Okay.

1007
00:54:48.000 --> 00:54:54.000
All right. Are any of you other ladies here right now, Tammy or Christina.

1008
00:54:54.000 --> 00:54:56.000
Nanette.

1009
00:54:56.000 --> 00:55:02.000
I'm anxious. Okay.

1010
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:06.000
Okay.

1011
00:55:06.000 --> 00:55:10.000
Nina, Christina, Tammy, or.

1012
00:55:10.000 --> 00:55:12.000
I think I'm very much in the middle.

1013
00:55:12.000 --> 00:55:13.000
Probably.

1014
00:55:13.000 --> 00:55:14.000
Closest to secure.

1015
00:55:14.000 --> 00:55:17.000
In the middle of which two.

1016
00:55:17.000 --> 00:55:20.000
Of the anxious and avoidant, like.

1017
00:55:20.000 --> 00:55:22.000
I don't feel like either of those.

1018
00:55:22.000 --> 00:55:23.000
Define me really.

1019
00:55:23.000 --> 00:55:25.000
Okay.

1020
00:55:25.000 --> 00:55:31.000
Okay.

1021
00:55:31.000 --> 00:55:33.000
We have two people saying they're anxious and then Melanie and

1022
00:55:33.000 --> 00:55:36.000
Christina and Tammy didn't answer.

1023
00:55:36.000 --> 00:55:37.000
Are you guys here?

1024
00:55:37.000 --> 00:55:48.000
I don't know if you're here or not.

1025
00:55:48.000 --> 00:55:52.000
And we have someone named Bethel summer. Is that.

1026
00:55:53.000 --> 00:55:58.000
Okay.

1027
00:55:58.000 --> 00:56:10.000
Bethel.

1028
00:56:10.000 --> 00:56:13.000
Okay. All right. So what's one thing that those of you that said,

1029
00:56:13.000 --> 00:56:14.000
you're secure,

1030
00:56:14.000 --> 00:56:17.000
what's one thing that you can do when you're meeting someone to help

1031
00:56:17.000 --> 00:56:20.000
them to feel, you know, that's one thing that secures do well.

1032
00:56:20.000 --> 00:56:23.000
And then what's one thing that you can do to help them feel more

1033
00:56:23.000 --> 00:56:24.000
secure.

1034
00:56:24.000 --> 00:56:25.000
In a more secure.

1035
00:56:25.000 --> 00:56:26.000
Style.

1036
00:56:26.000 --> 00:56:28.000
So what can you do?

1037
00:56:28.000 --> 00:56:33.000
What's one thing that you can do the next person that you meet.

1038
00:56:33.000 --> 00:56:36.000
That, you know, you feel can lead to deeper connection.

1039
00:56:36.000 --> 00:56:44.000
And then.

1040
00:56:44.000 --> 00:56:45.000
For those of you that said anxious,

1041
00:56:45.000 --> 00:56:48.000
what's one thing that you can do to show up more secure?

1042
00:56:49.000 --> 00:56:52.000
Okay.

1043
00:56:52.000 --> 00:56:54.000
Show up just in general.

1044
00:56:54.000 --> 00:56:56.000
Okay.

1045
00:56:56.000 --> 00:57:00.000
I haven't had a date.

1046
00:57:00.000 --> 00:57:02.000
Okay. So you got to show up just in general.

1047
00:57:02.000 --> 00:57:03.000
All right.

1048
00:57:03.000 --> 00:57:05.000
That's good.

1049
00:57:05.000 --> 00:57:08.000
Okay.

1050
00:57:08.000 --> 00:57:10.000
What about you, Kim anxious? What do you got?

1051
00:57:10.000 --> 00:57:14.000
Not text as much.

1052
00:57:15.000 --> 00:57:16.000
Okay.

1053
00:57:16.000 --> 00:57:17.000
So what do you got?

1054
00:57:17.000 --> 00:57:20.000
What's one thing that you can do to help them feel more secure?

1055
00:57:20.000 --> 00:57:21.000
Okay.

1056
00:57:21.000 --> 00:57:23.000
They don't, first of all, most of them are not good texters.

1057
00:57:23.000 --> 00:57:25.000
So they already don't know what to answer. And when you're like,

1058
00:57:25.000 --> 00:57:26.000
continually.

1059
00:57:26.000 --> 00:57:30.000
You know, save the conversation for in-person for as much as you can.

1060
00:57:30.000 --> 00:57:32.000
And if the guy said he wants to see you again,

1061
00:57:32.000 --> 00:57:33.000
you're just going to have to take him at his word.

1062
00:57:33.000 --> 00:57:36.000
You know you know, you're, you're just going to take him at his word.

1063
00:57:36.000 --> 00:57:39.000
You can't just continue to badger him and try to, you know,

1064
00:57:39.000 --> 00:57:42.000
make an emotional connection that helps you to feel wanted.

1065
00:57:42.000 --> 00:57:43.000
Okay.

1066
00:57:43.000 --> 00:57:48.000
So you need to allow that to grow and unfold and blossom.

1067
00:57:48.000 --> 00:57:51.000
You have to let it do that because otherwise what's going to happen is

1068
00:57:51.000 --> 00:57:54.000
you're going to get yourself into a situation where you don't really

1069
00:57:54.000 --> 00:57:57.000
know if that guy wants to be there or if he just is afraid of you.

1070
00:57:57.000 --> 00:58:04.000
Okay.

1071
00:58:04.000 --> 00:58:07.000
So, or he's just going to dip and he'll be gone and that'll be the end

1072
00:58:07.000 --> 00:58:08.000
of it.

1073
00:58:08.000 --> 00:58:11.000
Okay. So who else that has anxious, like what's your,

1074
00:58:11.000 --> 00:58:13.000
what's your advice for people who are anxious?

1075
00:58:13.000 --> 00:58:28.000
I think you can act more like a secure person.

1076
00:58:28.000 --> 00:58:30.000
I think the rest of us were secure.

1077
00:58:30.000 --> 00:58:35.000
Where have we not.

1078
00:58:35.000 --> 00:58:37.000
Yeah. Okay. So secure.

1079
00:58:37.000 --> 00:58:40.000
Your people, how can you, how can you make other people?

1080
00:58:41.000 --> 00:58:42.000
You know,

1081
00:58:42.000 --> 00:58:45.000
you can ask questions and ask them about themselves.

1082
00:58:45.000 --> 00:58:46.000
And ask one thing.

1083
00:58:46.000 --> 00:58:47.000
One thing you can do.

1084
00:58:47.000 --> 00:58:49.000
Ask questions, ask them.

1085
00:58:49.000 --> 00:58:55.000
About themselves so that you're not like.

1086
00:58:55.000 --> 00:58:56.000
I know that people,

1087
00:58:56.000 --> 00:58:58.000
a lot of times they'll just talk and talk and talk about themselves.

1088
00:58:58.000 --> 00:59:00.000
And that.

1089
00:59:00.000 --> 00:59:03.000
I think is they're nervous sometimes, you know, so if you ask.

1090
00:59:03.000 --> 00:59:06.000
The other person to tell them, tell you about themselves.

1091
00:59:06.000 --> 00:59:09.000
I think it helps them become more calm.

1092
00:59:09.000 --> 00:59:12.000
Yeah.

1093
00:59:12.000 --> 00:59:14.000
That's pretty much what I was going to say as well.

1094
00:59:14.000 --> 00:59:18.000
Just try to meet them where they are.

1095
00:59:18.000 --> 00:59:20.000
And remember that is, that is one of the,

1096
00:59:20.000 --> 00:59:24.000
the attributes of someone who is more anxious.

1097
00:59:24.000 --> 00:59:28.000
They want to impress you. They don't want to say the wrong thing.

1098
00:59:28.000 --> 00:59:31.000
They do end up a lot of times saying the wrong thing because now

1099
00:59:31.000 --> 00:59:34.000
they're over communicating.

1100
00:59:34.000 --> 00:59:37.000
Right.

1101
00:59:37.000 --> 00:59:39.000
I find that I can ask a lot of good questions.

1102
00:59:39.000 --> 00:59:42.000
I don't get men don't reciprocate questions.

1103
00:59:42.000 --> 00:59:46.000
Like I could probably tell you everything about a guy after a while of

1104
00:59:46.000 --> 00:59:47.000
talking to them.

1105
00:59:47.000 --> 00:59:50.000
And I don't think they even know like how old my children are.

1106
00:59:50.000 --> 00:59:51.000
Does that make sense?

1107
00:59:51.000 --> 00:59:54.000
Cause I don't offer, I wait for them to try and I'm trying to like,

1108
00:59:54.000 --> 00:59:57.000
get them to ask some questions or do that.

1109
00:59:57.000 --> 01:00:00.000
I don't offer a lot of information.

1110
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:03.200
necessarily like, you know, cause we're trying to keep it surface level or

1111
01:00:03.200 --> 01:00:08.280
whatever, but I find that they don't reciprocate in asking questions.

1112
01:00:08.280 --> 01:00:10.560
So what would be your suggestion on that?

1113
01:00:11.840 --> 01:00:15.600
I mean, it's just, it's, it's something that everyone says

1114
01:00:15.640 --> 01:00:17.480
that men just don't ask questions.

1115
01:00:17.480 --> 01:00:23.840
So, you know, guys, let's hear from you, you know, uh, let's see, we have, um,

1116
01:00:24.120 --> 01:00:26.440
David, you're here from Las Vegas.

1117
01:00:26.440 --> 01:00:29.200
I mean, I'm assuming, first of all, you're not a good example

1118
01:00:29.440 --> 01:00:32.040
because you definitely ask questions.

1119
01:00:32.480 --> 01:00:35.480
Um, Ty, why do you think men don't ask questions?

1120
01:00:38.880 --> 01:00:42.840
Um, why don't we think, why do you think men don't ask questions?

1121
01:00:42.880 --> 01:00:45.560
Um, sometimes we're scared of the answers.

1122
01:00:46.520 --> 01:00:47.560
Scared of the answers.

1123
01:00:47.560 --> 01:00:47.760
Yeah.

1124
01:00:47.920 --> 01:00:49.240
I mean, you know, and.

1125
01:00:53.120 --> 01:00:55.200
So Ty accidentally muted you.

1126
01:00:55.200 --> 01:00:56.040
You can unmute yourself.

1127
01:00:56.040 --> 01:01:00.040
Um, so you think that guys are purposely not asking questions?

1128
01:01:00.200 --> 01:01:04.000
Like they're like avoiding, they're avoiding any kind of trigger topics.

1129
01:01:05.640 --> 01:01:06.600
Yeah, that's a possibility.

1130
01:01:07.000 --> 01:01:08.480
I mean, I have before.

1131
01:01:09.240 --> 01:01:10.200
Yeah, no.

1132
01:01:10.520 --> 01:01:13.600
And you know, like you said, a while ago, I was talking to the, my lower group.

1133
01:01:13.800 --> 01:01:19.120
Um, I need to learn facts about people instead of building stuff

1134
01:01:19.120 --> 01:01:20.320
up in my head, that's not true.

1135
01:01:21.560 --> 01:01:22.040
Yeah.

1136
01:01:22.200 --> 01:01:24.480
And, and how am I going to do that if I don't ask questions?

1137
01:01:25.240 --> 01:01:27.280
You guys, that can go to the positive and to the negative.

1138
01:01:27.760 --> 01:01:28.360
You can build up.

1139
01:01:29.560 --> 01:01:30.000
Okay.

1140
01:01:30.000 --> 01:01:31.360
So like, Oh yeah.

1141
01:01:32.360 --> 01:01:32.560
Yeah.

1142
01:01:32.560 --> 01:01:32.880
Yeah.

1143
01:01:33.160 --> 01:01:36.280
So did you say that you're an anxious attacher or an avoidant?

1144
01:01:37.160 --> 01:01:38.280
A little bit of both.

1145
01:01:38.760 --> 01:01:39.200
Okay.

1146
01:01:39.280 --> 01:01:41.840
A little bit of both depending on the situation.

1147
01:01:42.520 --> 01:01:42.920
All right.

1148
01:01:43.240 --> 01:01:46.760
So, okay.

1149
01:01:46.760 --> 01:01:48.800
David, you tell us, go ahead.

1150
01:01:50.360 --> 01:01:51.560
It was like, I know why.

1151
01:01:52.520 --> 01:01:58.440
Uh, because we would not want to be perceived as not having things figured out.

1152
01:01:59.880 --> 01:02:00.440
Okay.

1153
01:02:02.040 --> 01:02:03.560
I'd ask anyway, but yeah.

1154
01:02:04.520 --> 01:02:08.120
And you guys, there's also, the thing is, is that, you know, like Ruth said, you

1155
01:02:08.120 --> 01:02:10.400
know, no one knows the ages of her children.

1156
01:02:10.400 --> 01:02:14.080
That might not be something that someone seems thinks is appropriate to ask you

1157
01:02:14.080 --> 01:02:17.920
as questions about your kids, especially if they don't know you really well yet.

1158
01:02:18.760 --> 01:02:23.200
Um, you know, women have, uh, there's a perception about women that we're mama

1159
01:02:23.200 --> 01:02:27.080
bears and we're real protective of our young, our offspring, which we are.

1160
01:02:27.080 --> 01:02:31.560
And so there are men that would probably avoid those topics simply because number

1161
01:02:31.560 --> 01:02:35.880
one, they don't know that it's appropriate for them to ask a bunch of

1162
01:02:35.880 --> 01:02:36.800
questions about your kids.

1163
01:02:36.800 --> 01:02:38.480
They don't want to seem like they're a weirdo.

1164
01:02:38.480 --> 01:02:40.920
And then secondly, um, they may not.

1165
01:02:41.240 --> 01:02:45.040
Be fully wrapped their head around the idea of dating someone who's a mother

1166
01:02:45.040 --> 01:02:46.520
who has kids with some other man.

1167
01:02:46.560 --> 01:02:49.960
And so they may not just really be ready to hear about the kids.

1168
01:02:51.560 --> 01:02:52.160
Honestly.

1169
01:02:52.440 --> 01:02:52.880
Okay.

1170
01:02:53.080 --> 01:02:54.920
So I want to play a game.

1171
01:02:55.040 --> 01:02:56.400
I hope you guys want to play a game.

1172
01:02:56.400 --> 01:03:03.360
So I'm going to do is I'm going to read a scenario and then you are going to tell

1173
01:03:03.360 --> 01:03:05.120
us the attachment style game.

1174
01:03:05.240 --> 01:03:05.640
Okay.

1175
01:03:06.080 --> 01:03:11.840
I'm going to read a scenario and then you are going to vote on what attachment

1176
01:03:11.840 --> 01:03:13.040
style you think it is.

1177
01:03:13.560 --> 01:03:13.840
Okay.

1178
01:03:13.840 --> 01:03:19.400
Based on these early connections, these are early connection scenarios.

1179
01:03:19.400 --> 01:03:19.720
Okay.

1180
01:03:19.720 --> 01:03:20.960
So you might see yourself in this.

1181
01:03:21.880 --> 01:03:22.360
All right.

1182
01:03:25.080 --> 01:03:29.920
John went on one date with Sue and immediately bought her journal with her

1183
01:03:29.920 --> 01:03:34.880
name on it, but freaked out when she didn't text back for three hours.

1184
01:03:39.520 --> 01:03:40.320
Anxious.

1185
01:03:43.040 --> 01:03:43.360
Okay.

1186
01:03:59.440 --> 01:04:03.800
Someone's just like, he's just crazy for John.

1187
01:04:04.240 --> 01:04:04.640
Okay.

1188
01:04:04.840 --> 01:04:08.920
So, um, disorganized is the right answer.

1189
01:04:08.920 --> 01:04:13.360
So that's, that's more of a disorganized reaction where, you know, you go in

1190
01:04:13.360 --> 01:04:18.400
really intensely, you guys anxious would be like, you know, kind of love bombing

1191
01:04:18.400 --> 01:04:18.920
the person.

1192
01:04:18.920 --> 01:04:20.920
I mean, he went out like over the top.

1193
01:04:21.000 --> 01:04:21.920
That was your clue.

1194
01:04:22.240 --> 01:04:26.320
He went out, bought her journal, had her name engraved on it, and then freaked

1195
01:04:26.320 --> 01:04:30.040
out when she didn't text him back in three hours, you see the difference.

1196
01:04:30.280 --> 01:04:33.320
So we have intense pursuit, panic.

1197
01:04:33.920 --> 01:04:34.800
Withdrawal.

1198
01:04:35.000 --> 01:04:39.120
We have all the ugly horses of the apocalypse going on there.

1199
01:04:39.520 --> 01:04:39.880
All right.

1200
01:04:40.040 --> 01:04:40.680
Next one.

1201
01:04:41.680 --> 01:04:42.160
All right.

1202
01:04:42.400 --> 01:04:45.280
Um, Carrie met a guy on Sunday.

1203
01:04:45.440 --> 01:04:46.240
It's great guy.

1204
01:04:47.040 --> 01:04:49.920
And by Wednesday she had picked out.

1205
01:04:52.280 --> 01:04:54.000
Their wedding hashtags.

1206
01:04:55.880 --> 01:04:59.120
Don't tell me people don't do this because they definitely do now that she

1207
01:04:59.120 --> 01:04:59.920
would tell him about.

1208
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:05.760
that, but what is Carrie? Yep. That's an anxious attacher. Why

1209
01:05:05.840 --> 01:05:08.680
she's future tripping. Have you guys ever heard this, heard of

1210
01:05:08.680 --> 01:05:12.640
this future tripping? So she's future tripping, fast

1211
01:05:12.640 --> 01:05:16.160
attachment, fantasy building. When we were kids, you know,

1212
01:05:16.160 --> 01:05:18.720
this is permissible when you're a kid and you like a boy in

1213
01:05:18.720 --> 01:05:22.560
school and you're writing your, you know, his last name, anyone

1214
01:05:22.560 --> 01:05:25.480
else ever do that? You're writing your first name and his

1215
01:05:25.480 --> 01:05:33.360
last name kind of thing. Yeah. Okay. All right. In fact, here's

1216
01:05:33.360 --> 01:05:38.640
a fun question. Raise your hand. If you've ever gone on a first

1217
01:05:38.640 --> 01:05:42.160
or second date with someone and then told a friend that you

1218
01:05:42.160 --> 01:05:47.080
thought they were the one after a first or second date, you're

1219
01:05:47.080 --> 01:05:51.200
like, I think they might be the one. Raise your hand. If you've

1220
01:05:51.200 --> 01:06:04.960
ever done that, it's no shame here, y'all. Okay. That's quite

1221
01:06:04.960 --> 01:06:10.360
a bit of you. Now of those of you that raised your hand,

1222
01:06:10.360 --> 01:06:13.040
raise your hand. If you actually did go on to marry that person

1223
01:06:13.040 --> 01:06:17.640
and then divorce them, raise your hand. If you actually did

1224
01:06:17.640 --> 01:06:21.040
marry that person, then it ended up being divorced. You said

1225
01:06:21.040 --> 01:06:24.080
they were the one and they were, they were one of the ones

1226
01:06:24.320 --> 01:06:27.840
that you shouldn't have run. You shouldn't, you shouldn't. But

1227
01:06:27.840 --> 01:06:31.120
then here we are. Okay. At least three of you. Yep. That

1228
01:06:31.120 --> 01:06:33.560
happened to me. I said they were the one. And then I married

1229
01:06:33.560 --> 01:06:36.240
them, was married for 12 years and then it was over. Okay.

1230
01:06:36.400 --> 01:06:41.600
Here's the next thing in the game. Um, okay. Dan said he

1231
01:06:41.600 --> 01:06:45.400
liked her, but also said, I'm just not ready for anything

1232
01:06:45.400 --> 01:06:50.160
serious right now. Every week for three months. So he said, I

1233
01:06:50.160 --> 01:06:53.160
like you, but I'm not ready for anything serious right now.

1234
01:06:53.720 --> 01:06:57.480
Every week for three months, that's 12 weeks. That's 12

1235
01:06:57.480 --> 01:07:00.440
times that Dan said, I like you, but I'm not ready for anything

1236
01:07:00.440 --> 01:07:04.120
serious. You know why? Because he probably was in relationship

1237
01:07:04.120 --> 01:07:06.880
with an anxious attacher who every week was like, but don't

1238
01:07:06.880 --> 01:07:11.280
you like me? I like you, but I'm not ready for anything serious.

1239
01:07:11.720 --> 01:07:15.160
You guys, the first time that you are with someone who tells

1240
01:07:15.160 --> 01:07:17.640
you that they like you, but they are not ready for anything

1241
01:07:17.640 --> 01:07:23.520
serious. You're gone though. Okay. Are you ready for

1242
01:07:23.520 --> 01:07:25.920
something serious? I hope so. Cause you're in your last year

1243
01:07:25.920 --> 01:07:29.640
single. So that means that they're not ready for you. And

1244
01:07:29.640 --> 01:07:34.480
so you got to go, you got to go. We don't match energy. We match

1245
01:07:34.480 --> 01:07:38.000
preparation. If this person's not prepared to be in a

1246
01:07:38.000 --> 01:07:40.920
relationship, then you're wasting your time. Don't think

1247
01:07:40.920 --> 01:07:42.680
that they're just going to fall so madly in love with you

1248
01:07:42.680 --> 01:07:44.440
because you're so wonderful that they're going to change their

1249
01:07:44.440 --> 01:07:46.560
mind and want something serious. No, you guys, that's how you

1250
01:07:46.560 --> 01:07:51.360
get in a situation. That's how you get into a relationship

1251
01:07:51.360 --> 01:07:53.760
where you're having sex with someone. Cause you think they're

1252
01:07:53.760 --> 01:08:00.680
in love with you and they never marry you never. And that goes

1253
01:08:00.680 --> 01:08:02.920
for the guys too. Cause there's a lot of women out there who

1254
01:08:03.320 --> 01:08:05.040
want to be in a relationship, but they don't want to get

1255
01:08:05.040 --> 01:08:08.600
married. Okay. Okay. You guys are right. That was avoidant

1256
01:08:08.640 --> 01:08:12.080
straight up avoidant attachment. Here's the next one. All right.

1257
01:08:12.120 --> 01:08:16.600
Jan communicates clearly. She respects space. She doesn't

1258
01:08:16.600 --> 01:08:19.840
freak out when a text takes a few hours. She just says, I

1259
01:08:19.840 --> 01:08:27.359
trust that he's busy. What is Jan? Be like Jan. Be like Jan.

1260
01:08:27.520 --> 01:08:35.840
Okay. She's a secure attacher, emotional regulation, no panic,

1261
01:08:36.720 --> 01:08:43.040
healthy detachment. You guys healthy detachment must be busy.

1262
01:08:43.520 --> 01:08:46.960
Not, Oh, he doesn't like me anymore. I got to go make him

1263
01:08:46.960 --> 01:08:53.080
like me somehow. No, by the way, the avoidant, the

1264
01:08:53.080 --> 01:08:55.880
characteristics there are keeps things vague and avoids

1265
01:08:55.880 --> 01:09:03.600
commitment. All right. So here's the next one. Carl told her

1266
01:09:03.800 --> 01:09:08.000
you're the one after 48 hours of texting and then blocked her

1267
01:09:08.040 --> 01:09:20.319
two days later because it felt too fast. Excuse me, Carl. Mr.

1268
01:09:20.319 --> 01:09:27.880
48 hours, excuse me. That's right. He's disorganized. Love

1269
01:09:27.880 --> 01:09:33.720
bomb. Add in a little fear. Add in a little retreat. And that

1270
01:09:33.720 --> 01:09:37.640
makes a combo that you can't buy at Popeye's. All right. We do

1271
01:09:37.640 --> 01:09:41.640
not want any of that. That is not good. You guys. It's not

1272
01:09:41.640 --> 01:09:47.640
good. All right. Next one. You guys all got that right. Look at

1273
01:09:47.680 --> 01:09:58.720
you guys. Look at you guys. All right. All right. Becky. Becky

1274
01:09:58.720 --> 01:09:59.680
text first.

1275
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:05.000
Becky and Joe text first.

1276
01:10:05.000 --> 01:10:09.000
Joe text first other times.

1277
01:10:09.000 --> 01:10:12.000
If a plan changes,

1278
01:10:12.000 --> 01:10:15.000
they both adjust without spiraling.

1279
01:10:15.000 --> 01:10:18.000
Sometimes Becky text Joe.

1280
01:10:18.000 --> 01:10:21.000
Sometimes Joe text Becky.

1281
01:10:21.000 --> 01:10:24.000
If a plan changes,

1282
01:10:24.000 --> 01:10:27.000
they can't do what they planned on doing.

1283
01:10:27.000 --> 01:10:30.000
They are flexible.

1284
01:10:30.000 --> 01:10:33.000
Secure attachers are flexible.

1285
01:10:33.000 --> 01:10:36.000
They don't get their panties all in a wad.

1286
01:10:36.000 --> 01:10:39.000
They don't start telling themselves stories.

1287
01:10:39.000 --> 01:10:42.000
They don't like me anymore.

1288
01:10:42.000 --> 01:10:45.000
They are trying to break up with me.

1289
01:10:45.000 --> 01:10:48.000
They don't give the person a hard time.

1290
01:10:48.000 --> 01:10:51.000
If someone is always changing plans on you,

1291
01:10:51.000 --> 01:10:54.000
there is your proof.

1292
01:10:54.000 --> 01:10:57.000
If someone is always changing plans on you,

1293
01:10:57.000 --> 01:11:00.000
there is your proof.

1294
01:11:00.000 --> 01:11:03.000
They are not putting you as a priority in their timeline.

1295
01:11:03.000 --> 01:11:06.000
Next one.

1296
01:11:06.000 --> 01:11:09.000
You are getting good at this.

1297
01:11:09.000 --> 01:11:12.000
Vera keeps checking to see

1298
01:11:12.000 --> 01:11:15.000
if Larry has viewed her story.

1299
01:11:15.000 --> 01:11:18.000
She thinks it means something if he hasn't.

1300
01:11:18.000 --> 01:11:21.000
You know how you can look at

1301
01:11:21.000 --> 01:11:24.000
your phone to see if you are reading something negative.

1302
01:11:24.000 --> 01:11:27.000
You don't have to.

1303
01:11:27.000 --> 01:11:30.000
You can call the people that have watched her story

1304
01:11:30.000 --> 01:11:33.000
to see if Larry is watching.

1305
01:11:33.000 --> 01:11:36.000
If he hasn't, she thinks that means something.

1306
01:11:36.000 --> 01:11:39.000
Obsessive monitoring.

1307
01:11:39.000 --> 01:11:42.000
Always looking at your phone,

1308
01:11:42.000 --> 01:11:45.000
do they text me,

1309
01:11:45.000 --> 01:11:48.000
do they look at my social media?

1310
01:11:48.000 --> 01:11:51.000
If you find that you are always reading something negative

1311
01:11:51.000 --> 01:11:54.000
into the behavior,

1312
01:11:54.000 --> 01:11:57.000
you are probably anxious or disorganized.

1313
01:11:57.000 --> 01:12:00.000
Secures and avoidance don't do that.

1314
01:12:00.000 --> 01:12:03.000
Avoidance don't care.

1315
01:12:03.000 --> 01:12:06.000
Secures obviously are not going to do that.

1316
01:12:06.000 --> 01:12:09.000
All right.

1317
01:12:09.000 --> 01:12:12.000
Pat says he wants to get married

1318
01:12:12.000 --> 01:12:15.000
but doesn't want to talk about feelings.

1319
01:12:15.000 --> 01:12:18.000
He doesn't want to talk about feelings.

1320
01:12:18.000 --> 01:12:21.000
He doesn't want to talk about feelings.

1321
01:12:21.000 --> 01:12:24.000
He doesn't want to define the relationship

1322
01:12:24.000 --> 01:12:27.000
or meet Laurie's friends.

1323
01:12:27.000 --> 01:12:30.000
Says the right words.

1324
01:12:30.000 --> 01:12:33.000
I want you to see there are all different nuances.

1325
01:12:33.000 --> 01:12:36.000
Says the right words but actions are not congruent.

1326
01:12:36.000 --> 01:12:39.000
I want to get married.

1327
01:12:39.000 --> 01:12:42.000
I don't want to talk about feelings.

1328
01:12:42.000 --> 01:12:45.000
I don't want to make a timeline.

1329
01:12:45.000 --> 01:12:48.000
I don't want to make plans.

1330
01:12:48.000 --> 01:12:51.000
I don't want to meet people.

1331
01:12:51.000 --> 01:12:54.000
I helped a girl get married in this program.

1332
01:12:54.000 --> 01:12:57.000
She has been married for over a year.

1333
01:12:57.000 --> 01:13:00.000
When she first came into my program,

1334
01:13:00.000 --> 01:13:03.000
she had been in a relationship for a year

1335
01:13:03.000 --> 01:13:06.000
with a guy that had never,

1336
01:13:06.000 --> 01:13:09.000
ever introduced her to any of his friends or family.

1337
01:13:09.000 --> 01:13:12.000
He was a serial killer.

1338
01:13:12.000 --> 01:13:15.000
Or an avoidant attacher.

1339
01:13:15.000 --> 01:13:18.000
Thankfully he was an avoidant attacher.

1340
01:13:18.000 --> 01:13:21.000
He bread crumbed her enough.

1341
01:13:21.000 --> 01:13:24.000
When you are in a relationship with people

1342
01:13:24.000 --> 01:13:27.000
that are avoidant,

1343
01:13:27.000 --> 01:13:30.000
a lot of times they don't really want you

1344
01:13:30.000 --> 01:13:33.000
but they also don't want to not have you.

1345
01:13:33.000 --> 01:13:36.000
Especially since if you are an anxious

1346
01:13:36.000 --> 01:13:39.000
person,

1347
01:13:39.000 --> 01:13:42.000
you are going to try to do the song and dance

1348
01:13:42.000 --> 01:13:45.000
to get them interested again.

1349
01:13:45.000 --> 01:13:48.000
As soon as they get disinterested,

1350
01:13:48.000 --> 01:13:51.000
you are going to do the song and dance to get them back.

1351
01:13:51.000 --> 01:13:54.000
You are going to show up looking cute.

1352
01:13:54.000 --> 01:13:57.000
You are going to post stuff on your stories

1353
01:13:57.000 --> 01:14:00.000
to make them jealous.

1354
01:14:00.000 --> 01:14:03.000
They are going to bread crumb you a little bit.

1355
01:14:03.000 --> 01:14:06.000
You are going to be in for a whole other cycle

1356
01:14:06.000 --> 01:14:09.000
until you do it again.

1357
01:14:09.000 --> 01:14:12.000
She was in a situation where she was a secure.

1358
01:14:12.000 --> 01:14:15.000
She wasn't an anxious.

1359
01:14:15.000 --> 01:14:18.000
She just thought they were in a relationship

1360
01:14:18.000 --> 01:14:21.000
because she is really balanced and secure.

1361
01:14:21.000 --> 01:14:24.000
He wasn't ever going to pull the trigger on that.

1362
01:14:24.000 --> 01:14:27.000
We helped her to break up with him

1363
01:14:27.000 --> 01:14:30.000
and now she is married to someone else.

1364
01:14:30.000 --> 01:14:33.000
If you get yourself into one of these

1365
01:14:33.000 --> 01:14:36.000
anxious avoidance love circles

1366
01:14:36.000 --> 01:14:39.000
or you get yourself into

1367
01:14:39.000 --> 01:14:42.000
a disorganized

1368
01:14:42.000 --> 01:14:45.000
that is love bipolar.

1369
01:14:45.000 --> 01:14:48.000
If you get yourself into a disorganized

1370
01:14:48.000 --> 01:14:51.000
even those of you that said you were secure

1371
01:14:51.000 --> 01:14:54.000
you can end up with an anxious person

1372
01:14:54.000 --> 01:14:57.000
that is not healthy enough to move forward.

1373
01:14:57.000 --> 01:15:00.000
If you see yourself in any of these situations

1374
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:03.000
you are going to be in for a whole other cycle

1375
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:02.960
things and you feel like you're in a situationship right now,

1376
01:15:02.960 --> 01:15:07.160
please post in the program pages where the coaches are

1377
01:15:03.000 --> 01:15:06.000
until you do it again.

1378
01:15:06.000 --> 01:15:09.000
If you get yourself into one of these

1379
01:15:07.160 --> 01:15:09.560
so we can help you to kind of unpack it

1380
01:15:09.000 --> 01:15:12.000
anxious avoidance love circles

1381
01:15:09.560 --> 01:15:11.440
and see what needs to happen next.

1382
01:15:11.440 --> 01:15:12.280
Okay.

1383
01:15:12.000 --> 01:15:15.000
or you get yourself into a disorganized

1384
01:15:13.400 --> 01:15:15.920
Mandy pulls back every time,

1385
01:15:15.000 --> 01:15:18.000
even those of you that said you were secure

1386
01:15:18.000 --> 01:15:21.000
you can end up with an anxious person

1387
01:15:20.160 --> 01:15:25.160
Mandy pulls back every time Cam gets closer

1388
01:15:21.000 --> 01:15:24.000
that is not healthy enough to move forward.

1389
01:15:25.160 --> 01:15:28.160
but panics if she thinks he's pulling away.

1390
01:15:29.160 --> 01:15:31.120
What's that one?

1391
01:15:31.120 --> 01:15:34.360
Mandy pulls back every time Cam tries to get too close

1392
01:15:34.360 --> 01:15:36.120
but then she panics if she thinks

1393
01:15:36.120 --> 01:15:37.680
that he's breaking up with her.

1394
01:15:38.680 --> 01:15:41.280
Yes, that's disorganized.

1395
01:15:41.280 --> 01:15:43.040
The push-pull dynamic.

1396
01:15:43.040 --> 01:15:44.680
It's rooted in the fear of intimacy

1397
01:15:44.680 --> 01:15:47.200
and also in the fear of rejection,

1398
01:15:47.200 --> 01:15:51.120
fear of intimacy, but also fear of being rejected.

1399
01:15:51.120 --> 01:15:53.040
And that's just, you see,

1400
01:15:53.040 --> 01:15:55.240
that dichotomy is not good, is it?

1401
01:15:56.480 --> 01:15:57.800
Okay, last one.

1402
01:15:58.920 --> 01:15:59.760
Let's see.

1403
01:16:03.600 --> 01:16:08.600
Collier tells her, hey, I like where this is going.

1404
01:16:08.720 --> 01:16:13.720
Let's keep taking our time and seeing where God leads us.

1405
01:16:14.080 --> 01:16:16.160
Well, that's a tricky one.

1406
01:16:16.160 --> 01:16:18.560
Collier tells her, hey, I like where this is going.

1407
01:16:18.560 --> 01:16:21.600
Let's keep taking our time and see where God leads us.

1408
01:16:25.640 --> 01:16:27.600
See, some of you think that's avoidant.

1409
01:16:29.160 --> 01:16:33.400
Because you're used to people saying that

1410
01:16:33.400 --> 01:16:37.080
and it not leading anywhere, but it is secure.

1411
01:16:37.080 --> 01:16:37.920
Why?

1412
01:16:37.920 --> 01:16:39.840
Because it is steady.

1413
01:16:39.840 --> 01:16:42.600
Remember, the words, actions have to match words.

1414
01:16:42.600 --> 01:16:44.240
So if you don't see Collier,

1415
01:16:44.240 --> 01:16:46.560
like continuing to escalate the relationship

1416
01:16:46.560 --> 01:16:47.480
to see where it's going,

1417
01:16:47.480 --> 01:16:50.160
then it would become avoidant, right?

1418
01:16:50.160 --> 01:16:52.160
But it's steady, it's communicative,

1419
01:16:52.160 --> 01:16:54.240
and it's faith-filled with pacing in it.

1420
01:16:54.960 --> 01:16:55.800
It's good.

1421
01:16:56.800 --> 01:16:58.040
Those are good, right?

1422
01:16:58.040 --> 01:16:59.960
All right, we're about three minutes over

1423
01:16:59.960 --> 01:17:01.560
our 75-minute mark.

1424
01:17:01.560 --> 01:17:03.320
But you guys, it's really important

1425
01:17:03.320 --> 01:17:06.680
that you're not sabotaging early relationships.

1426
01:17:07.760 --> 01:17:08.840
Early relationships.

1427
01:17:08.840 --> 01:17:10.920
You don't prune early relationships, you guys.

1428
01:17:10.920 --> 01:17:12.080
It's not a mature plant.

1429
01:17:12.080 --> 01:17:13.560
It's just a little seedling.

1430
01:17:13.560 --> 01:17:15.560
It's a little sapling that's come out of the soil.

1431
01:17:15.560 --> 01:17:16.760
You have to nurture it.

1432
01:17:17.720 --> 01:17:18.560
You have to give it the,

1433
01:17:18.560 --> 01:17:20.520
what would happen if you water it too much?

1434
01:17:20.520 --> 01:17:21.480
It'll die.

1435
01:17:21.480 --> 01:17:23.120
What happens if you water it too much?

1436
01:17:23.120 --> 01:17:23.960
It'll die.

1437
01:17:23.960 --> 01:17:25.600
What happens if you water it too little?

1438
01:17:25.600 --> 01:17:26.520
It'll die.

1439
01:17:26.520 --> 01:17:30.760
What happens if you try to put a cover over it

1440
01:17:30.760 --> 01:17:32.040
to protect it from the sun?

1441
01:17:32.040 --> 01:17:32.880
It'll die.

1442
01:17:32.880 --> 01:17:33.840
What if it gets too much sun?

1443
01:17:33.840 --> 01:17:34.680
It'll die.

1444
01:17:34.680 --> 01:17:36.360
Do you guys see what I'm saying here?

1445
01:17:37.720 --> 01:17:42.440
You just have to show up with open hands

1446
01:17:42.440 --> 01:17:46.320
and an open heart and just let it be whatever it is.

1447
01:17:46.320 --> 01:17:49.280
You gotta tell yourself what secure people tell themselves.

1448
01:17:49.280 --> 01:17:51.920
If this is my person,

1449
01:17:51.920 --> 01:17:55.160
meaning the person that's right for my life in this season,

1450
01:17:55.160 --> 01:17:56.240
then it's gonna work out.

1451
01:17:56.240 --> 01:17:58.360
And if they're not, it's not.

1452
01:17:58.360 --> 01:18:00.400
But that means that there's someone out there for me

1453
01:18:00.400 --> 01:18:03.440
that's even better for this season of my life.

1454
01:18:03.440 --> 01:18:05.240
And so it's a win-win.

1455
01:18:05.240 --> 01:18:07.720
This is even my person and this is gonna grow in love

1456
01:18:07.720 --> 01:18:08.840
and it's gonna get better and better.

1457
01:18:08.840 --> 01:18:10.680
Or there's someone out there

1458
01:18:10.680 --> 01:18:14.520
that's actually a better fit for my season and me for them.

1459
01:18:14.520 --> 01:18:15.560
And I'm gonna meet them

1460
01:18:15.560 --> 01:18:18.760
and I'm gonna not be sad that this didn't work out.

1461
01:18:18.760 --> 01:18:20.800
I'm gonna be so happy it didn't.

1462
01:18:20.800 --> 01:18:22.160
Do you see how that works?

1463
01:18:23.360 --> 01:18:25.160
That's what you have to tell yourself.

1464
01:18:25.160 --> 01:18:29.160
And if you have to tell yourself that 1,500 times a day,

1465
01:18:29.160 --> 01:18:31.440
then you have to tell yourself that

1466
01:18:31.440 --> 01:18:35.040
because you have to start thinking like a secure person,

1467
01:18:36.480 --> 01:18:39.160
writing down what secure people would write down,

1468
01:18:39.160 --> 01:18:41.800
talking about what secure people would talk about.

1469
01:18:41.800 --> 01:18:43.360
This is how we become more secure.

1470
01:18:43.360 --> 01:18:45.520
For those of you that are secure attachers,

1471
01:18:45.520 --> 01:18:48.240
you can help people in early relationship

1472
01:18:48.240 --> 01:18:53.200
by modeling pacing, by modeling clear communication,

1473
01:18:53.200 --> 01:18:55.280
by modeling respect and honor.

1474
01:18:56.720 --> 01:18:58.160
I wanna see the hands of the men

1475
01:18:58.160 --> 01:19:00.000
that said they were secure attachers.

1476
01:19:01.000 --> 01:19:02.320
Let me see you guys.

1477
01:19:08.640 --> 01:19:10.640
Men, men, men, men.

1478
01:19:10.640 --> 01:19:12.520
None of you men are secure attachers.

1479
01:19:12.520 --> 01:19:13.720
Okay, Hunter says he is.

1480
01:19:13.720 --> 01:19:16.400
Sean, Sean says he is.

1481
01:19:16.400 --> 01:19:17.840
I just got to know Sean the other day

1482
01:19:18.440 --> 01:19:19.440
on a discovery call.

1483
01:19:20.320 --> 01:19:21.520
Okay, so just two.

1484
01:19:21.520 --> 01:19:22.840
The rest of you guys are anxious

1485
01:19:22.840 --> 01:19:24.320
or avoidant or disorganized.

1486
01:19:24.320 --> 01:19:28.480
Okay, so for you men that are secure attachers,

1487
01:19:28.480 --> 01:19:30.880
let's model for women what it looks like

1488
01:19:30.880 --> 01:19:33.680
to have clear communication.

1489
01:19:33.680 --> 01:19:35.400
You guys that didn't put your hands up,

1490
01:19:35.400 --> 01:19:37.680
you're either anxious, you go in too fast,

1491
01:19:37.680 --> 01:19:39.600
you get too excited, you get too romantic

1492
01:19:39.600 --> 01:19:40.760
or you're avoidant.

1493
01:19:40.760 --> 01:19:43.960
You just don't wanna be clear.

1494
01:19:43.960 --> 01:19:45.400
You're not sure yet.

1495
01:19:45.400 --> 01:19:47.320
You continue to talk yourself out of things.

1496
01:19:47.720 --> 01:19:48.560
You overthink things.

1497
01:19:48.560 --> 01:19:50.120
It's really important that you start thinking

1498
01:19:50.120 --> 01:19:55.120
like a secure man that communicates very clearly

1499
01:19:55.480 --> 01:19:59.200
with a woman, hey, I'm enjoying getting to know you.

1500
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:04.000
not ready to put a label on this relationship

1501
01:20:04.000 --> 01:20:06.240
because we're just getting to know each other right now.

1502
01:20:06.240 --> 01:20:08.400
Look, if a woman isn't okay

1503
01:20:08.400 --> 01:20:12.240
with clear, boundaried communication,

1504
01:20:12.240 --> 01:20:14.240
then she's not the right person for you.

1505
01:20:15.680 --> 01:20:16.520
She's not.

1506
01:20:16.520 --> 01:20:18.120
You avoidance,

1507
01:20:18.120 --> 01:20:20.040
you don't have to be afraid of being controlled.

1508
01:20:20.040 --> 01:20:21.080
You just have to make sure

1509
01:20:21.080 --> 01:20:22.760
that you're very clear with the person

1510
01:20:22.760 --> 01:20:25.800
about how fast you can go forward.

1511
01:20:25.800 --> 01:20:30.360
That's all.

1512
01:20:30.360 --> 01:20:31.560
It's okay.

1513
01:20:31.560 --> 01:20:32.400
Okay.

1514
01:20:32.400 --> 01:20:33.520
I think that you guys are all growing.

1515
01:20:33.520 --> 01:20:35.080
The reason why I wanted to do this session

1516
01:20:35.080 --> 01:20:36.000
tonight as a path session

1517
01:20:36.000 --> 01:20:38.200
is because I see people sabotaging themselves

1518
01:20:38.200 --> 01:20:40.620
in the first one to three dates.

1519
01:20:40.620 --> 01:20:41.460
I do.

1520
01:20:41.460 --> 01:20:44.360
I see people really, you know,

1521
01:20:44.360 --> 01:20:48.120
having unhealthy conversations that go too fast,

1522
01:20:48.120 --> 01:20:50.280
wanting to know about this person's life

1523
01:20:50.280 --> 01:20:51.920
or their politics,

1524
01:20:51.920 --> 01:20:53.760
wanting to find out if, you know,

1525
01:20:53.760 --> 01:20:57.680
they're marriage-minded to a level that's inappropriate.

1526
01:20:57.680 --> 01:20:58.520
And what is that?

1527
01:20:58.520 --> 01:21:00.880
That's trying for you to cut your losses.

1528
01:21:00.880 --> 01:21:03.760
All of you anxious attachers trying to, you know,

1529
01:21:03.760 --> 01:21:07.480
find out whether or not this can be a serious relationship

1530
01:21:07.480 --> 01:21:09.440
way too quickly,

1531
01:21:09.440 --> 01:21:12.440
way, way, way too quick, way too quickly.

1532
01:21:12.440 --> 01:21:14.360
Talking about deep theological stuff.

1533
01:21:14.360 --> 01:21:16.800
Y'all, did I not teach you anything?

1534
01:21:18.600 --> 01:21:19.760
Why would you do this?

1535
01:21:21.200 --> 01:21:22.320
Why?

1536
01:21:22.320 --> 01:21:24.000
Just get to know this person.

1537
01:21:24.000 --> 01:21:24.960
Just have fun.

1538
01:21:24.960 --> 01:21:26.000
Get to know them.

1539
01:21:26.000 --> 01:21:27.440
It's a win-win.

1540
01:21:27.440 --> 01:21:29.600
Yeah, they might not be your future spouse,

1541
01:21:30.680 --> 01:21:33.960
but you're not enjoying the connection.

1542
01:21:33.960 --> 01:21:36.400
You are showing up panicked and paranoid.

1543
01:21:42.920 --> 01:21:43.840
That's another, you guys,

1544
01:21:43.840 --> 01:21:45.680
that's another hallmark of avoidant attachment,

1545
01:21:45.680 --> 01:21:47.680
especially in women.

1546
01:21:47.680 --> 01:21:49.920
You guys will show up with your list,

1547
01:21:49.920 --> 01:21:51.720
with your interview questions,

1548
01:21:53.280 --> 01:21:55.360
just looking for a red flag,

1549
01:21:55.360 --> 01:21:57.440
just looking for a reason why this person

1550
01:21:57.440 --> 01:21:59.160
is a waste of your time.

1551
01:21:59.160 --> 01:22:00.760
Don't do that.

1552
01:22:00.760 --> 01:22:02.080
Raise your hand if you do that.

1553
01:22:02.080 --> 01:22:02.920
Don't lie.

1554
01:22:03.920 --> 01:22:05.320
If you do any version of that,

1555
01:22:05.320 --> 01:22:09.520
any version of asking too many questions too quickly,

1556
01:22:09.520 --> 01:22:11.120
too personal,

1557
01:22:11.120 --> 01:22:12.960
wanting to vet them out,

1558
01:22:13.840 --> 01:22:15.520
wanting to pre-qualify them.

1559
01:22:15.520 --> 01:22:17.120
You guys, you're not the bank.

1560
01:22:17.120 --> 01:22:18.520
You're not giving someone a loan.

1561
01:22:18.520 --> 01:22:19.840
You're not giving them a credit card.

1562
01:22:20.560 --> 01:22:22.120
You're not pre-qualifying people.

1563
01:22:23.120 --> 01:22:25.480
No, you don't pre-qualify people.

1564
01:22:26.440 --> 01:22:28.160
Look at all those hands.

1565
01:22:28.160 --> 01:22:29.360
Thank you for being honest,

1566
01:22:29.360 --> 01:22:33.280
but no, you got to stop doing this.

1567
01:22:33.280 --> 01:22:34.120
I promise you,

1568
01:22:34.120 --> 01:22:35.720
the person that you're going to end up marrying someday

1569
01:22:35.720 --> 01:22:37.880
is going to have tons of yellow flags,

1570
01:22:39.720 --> 01:22:40.800
tons of yellow flags.

1571
01:22:40.800 --> 01:22:42.920
And you are going to escalate that flag to red

1572
01:22:42.920 --> 01:22:44.600
because you do not know this person

1573
01:22:44.600 --> 01:22:46.680
and you are asking them a bunch of personal questions,

1574
01:22:46.680 --> 01:22:48.960
which now they're forced in a really,

1575
01:22:50.960 --> 01:22:54.640
in a place of awkwardness to answer.

1576
01:22:55.680 --> 01:22:56.760
And then they're telling you things

1577
01:22:56.760 --> 01:22:58.840
that are beyond your pay grade to know about them

1578
01:22:58.840 --> 01:23:00.240
because you don't know them.

1579
01:23:01.480 --> 01:23:02.800
So you know something about them

1580
01:23:02.800 --> 01:23:05.160
that might be actually kind of construed as negative

1581
01:23:05.160 --> 01:23:07.720
when you don't know a million positive things about them

1582
01:23:07.720 --> 01:23:09.640
because you don't know them.

1583
01:23:09.640 --> 01:23:11.000
That million positive things

1584
01:23:11.000 --> 01:23:13.160
would actually cancel out that negative thing

1585
01:23:13.160 --> 01:23:15.280
that they just told you because you forced them to,

1586
01:23:15.280 --> 01:23:17.000
like you're the grand inquisition.

1587
01:23:20.840 --> 01:23:21.680
Don't do that.

1588
01:23:23.960 --> 01:23:25.880
All right, are we going to show up better?

1589
01:23:26.880 --> 01:23:27.800
Are we?

1590
01:23:27.800 --> 01:23:30.960
Did anyone tell your group something that you're going to do

1591
01:23:30.960 --> 01:23:32.200
and you're really going to stick with it?

1592
01:23:32.200 --> 01:23:33.400
You're going to do that one thing

1593
01:23:33.400 --> 01:23:35.520
on your very next connection.

1594
01:23:35.520 --> 01:23:37.120
Doesn't matter if it's a date,

1595
01:23:37.120 --> 01:23:41.040
it doesn't matter if it's just a light conversation

1596
01:23:41.040 --> 01:23:43.520
with the opposite sex at a party,

1597
01:23:43.520 --> 01:23:45.640
at a community event, at church,

1598
01:23:45.640 --> 01:23:49.000
you are going to put this into practice, aren't you?

1599
01:23:49.000 --> 01:23:50.080
You're going to do it.

1600
01:23:51.320 --> 01:23:53.240
However, you've been showing up

1601
01:23:53.240 --> 01:23:54.840
that's not working out for you.

1602
01:23:54.840 --> 01:23:56.560
You're going to actually, and you guys are like,

1603
01:23:56.560 --> 01:24:00.080
Jackie, you're asking us to act, like to perform?

1604
01:24:00.080 --> 01:24:01.320
Yeah, I am.

1605
01:24:01.320 --> 01:24:04.000
I'm asking you to ask yourself,

1606
01:24:04.000 --> 01:24:05.640
what would a secure person do?

1607
01:24:06.600 --> 01:24:07.440
Okay.

1608
01:24:08.920 --> 01:24:10.200
WWSD.

1609
01:24:10.720 --> 01:24:14.280
What would a secure person do?

1610
01:24:14.280 --> 01:24:15.640
And then do that.

1611
01:24:15.640 --> 01:24:18.120
It will feel unnatural for you at first,

1612
01:24:20.040 --> 01:24:23.840
but I promise you, it's going to have better,

1613
01:24:23.840 --> 01:24:26.280
it's going to have a better ROI.

1614
01:24:26.280 --> 01:24:27.560
It's going to have better ROI

1615
01:24:27.560 --> 01:24:29.600
than anything that you're doing right now.

1616
01:24:29.600 --> 01:24:30.440
Okay.

1617
01:24:32.000 --> 01:24:33.000
Yes, that's good, Sarah.

1618
01:24:33.000 --> 01:24:35.680
She's making a list of truths about herself before the date.

1619
01:24:35.680 --> 01:24:36.880
She's pumping herself up.

1620
01:24:36.880 --> 01:24:37.840
She's hyping herself up.

1621
01:24:37.840 --> 01:24:40.960
Like before you go work out or go play a basketball game,

1622
01:24:40.960 --> 01:24:42.560
I used to play basketball,

1623
01:24:42.560 --> 01:24:45.560
you listen to your hype music, right?

1624
01:24:45.560 --> 01:24:48.480
Pre-gaming, getting ready.

1625
01:24:48.480 --> 01:24:49.960
Do that before a date.

1626
01:24:49.960 --> 01:24:51.200
Look at yourself in the mirror and say,

1627
01:24:51.200 --> 01:24:52.640
I'm beautiful.

1628
01:24:52.640 --> 01:24:54.240
I'm amazing.

1629
01:24:54.240 --> 01:24:57.440
Anybody who doesn't want to be with me is a fool.

1630
01:24:57.440 --> 01:24:59.440
You know, you can say all the things.

1631
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:07.280
And then just understand that if they do choose to not see you again, then that's on them.

1632
01:25:07.280 --> 01:25:10.480
And you dodged a bullet and it's all good because they weren't the right person for

1633
01:25:10.480 --> 01:25:11.480
you.

1634
01:25:11.480 --> 01:25:12.640
You cannot miss your spirit mate.

1635
01:25:12.640 --> 01:25:15.720
You guys, you can chase them away.

1636
01:25:15.720 --> 01:25:20.160
If you're operating in a bunch of cursed orphan mentalities.

1637
01:25:20.160 --> 01:25:24.120
Now do I believe that you'll have, they'll have a lot of grace for you and they'll give

1638
01:25:24.120 --> 01:25:26.880
you a lot of grace if they really, really are your spirit mate.

1639
01:25:26.880 --> 01:25:28.040
Yeah, I do believe that.

1640
01:25:28.040 --> 01:25:31.640
But you don't have to make things harder than they really are.

1641
01:25:31.640 --> 01:25:33.120
Let's not make things harder than they really are.

1642
01:25:33.120 --> 01:25:35.360
All right, father, God, we thank you for this time together.

1643
01:25:35.360 --> 01:25:39.520
We thank you Lord for all of the great truth of how you've created us.

1644
01:25:39.520 --> 01:25:41.420
You've created us for relationship.

1645
01:25:41.420 --> 01:25:42.920
You've created us to attach.

1646
01:25:42.920 --> 01:25:47.560
You've created us to connect, but first and foremost, John 15, we are to be attached and

1647
01:25:47.560 --> 01:25:49.880
connected to you, Jesus.

1648
01:25:49.880 --> 01:25:51.720
You are the vine and we're just a branch.

1649
01:25:51.720 --> 01:25:53.280
Say that you guys, I'm just a branch.

1650
01:25:53.280 --> 01:25:54.600
I'm just a branch.

1651
01:25:54.600 --> 01:25:56.960
I'm just a branch.

1652
01:25:56.960 --> 01:26:00.520
Because we're connected to you, we will bear fruit.

1653
01:26:00.520 --> 01:26:02.120
We will bear fruit of intimacy.

1654
01:26:02.120 --> 01:26:04.680
We will bear fruit of connection.

1655
01:26:04.680 --> 01:26:09.420
We will bear fruit of love and peace and joy and our lives will be abundant.

1656
01:26:09.420 --> 01:26:14.680
And so first and foremost, help us to stay attached, to stay connected to you and to

1657
01:26:14.680 --> 01:26:20.200
our identity in you so that we can show up in all these earthly and human connections

1658
01:26:20.200 --> 01:26:25.560
as the best version of us reveal and heal anything that's standing in our way of being

1659
01:26:25.560 --> 01:26:30.240
able to show up securely, to be able to think securely, to act securely.

1660
01:26:30.240 --> 01:26:35.360
Anything that causes us to tell ourselves story after story of disconnection and rejection,

1661
01:26:35.360 --> 01:26:40.440
anything Lord that is lending itself to disconnection, any way that we're causing people to reject

1662
01:26:40.440 --> 01:26:43.240
us purposely.

1663
01:26:43.240 --> 01:26:45.880
We don't realize we're doing it, but we are doing it purposely.

1664
01:26:45.880 --> 01:26:50.600
We're sabotaging ourselves and causing the very rejection that we're scared of anything

1665
01:26:50.600 --> 01:26:54.400
Lord that's falling underneath those umbrellas.

1666
01:26:54.400 --> 01:26:55.800
We ask that you would reveal it.

1667
01:26:55.800 --> 01:26:56.800
You would heal it.

1668
01:26:56.800 --> 01:26:57.800
You would help us.

1669
01:26:57.800 --> 01:26:58.800
God heal us.

1670
01:26:58.800 --> 01:27:03.360
Show us, teach us, show us, heal us, grow us in Jesus name.

1671
01:27:03.360 --> 01:27:04.360
Amen.

1672
01:27:04.360 --> 01:27:05.360
All right, friends.

1673
01:27:05.360 --> 01:27:16.120
Thank you for tonight and I will see you on Saturday by everyone.