Not you Natalie. I was talking about for Aubrey. You responded to your questions Natalie.
But she probably can't hear me. Okay. Hey ladies let's get started. I'm so excited to see y'all.
Hey Lauren coming on in the room. I hope you guys had a really good day today. If you didn't,
I am convinced that it's about to get better because you know it's that girl power thing.
When we all come together how amazing it is. We join forces and make the most incredible
things happen. That's what we do. So let me, I knew my screen wasn't bright enough for some reason.
Yay. So hello to all our first timers. We are happy to have you as you come on in the room.
I want to do a quick little housekeeping. Hey Jennifer it's good to see you.
Just remember if you're new, we do have a coaching at 1 p.m and 8 p.m which is 7 p.m
east, it's 8 p.m eastern time. You're always welcome to jump on both. When you do do both,
if you ask some questions in the first one, we ask that you hold your questions on the second
one until the other people who have not gone into a session already has responded. I mean
have asked their questions. Let's remember that, let's say someone had this issue like they were
trying to post it under their wins, hey Kari, but they couldn't get it posted under wins but they
did post it in the all tab of community. So you're free to do that if you can't get whatever you're
posting to show but there's some type of glitches, don't worry about that. Remember you guys that we
don't want to post anything from outside sources without admin approval because that's how we keep
this community safe. Be sure you guys are checking all tabs when you want to know about events that
are coming up and if they haven't been posted yet, just keep checking the tabs because they
will eventually be posted but if they don't eventually be posted by all means, please say
something. So for example, if you want to know anything about the last year single trip, it's
going to be under the tab resource tab and you should see it there. Any current single city,
someone posted and said they would keep selecting the single city link and it wouldn't work, that's
not the first time that has happened and so when that does happen, just drop a ticket, go to reach
out, contact, let them know that you're selecting a link that is not working so that they could fix
that. And so you guys, the replays are always very helpful. This is something I forget to do before
we get started but I do want to pray. God, I thank you for this evening. I thank you for the ladies
and I thank you that they have an opportunity in the space to pour themselves out. This is not just
about dating but this is all about them. So I thank you for wisdom. I thank you that they have
problems and that heaven has solutions and that we're going to get those solutions to them. In
Jesus name we thank you, Lord God. Amen. All right, tell us how did you do last week? What are some
things that you were getting pruned? What was your plan? What's the prune and how did it go?
So you identify something that you needed pruning just for everyone who wasn't here for that
assignment or that activation. You identified an area in your life that needed pruning and you were
supposed to put a plan into place to make that happen. So one of your prunes, just an example,
you say, hey, I want to get healthier. What plan did you put in place to start pruning away
at your life in that way so that you can be refined and all better for it? Jennifer, go for it.
Hi. Hey. Good to see you. I said last week that I was going to prune driving Uber.
It has served its purpose for the last two years because I'm an early career realtor. I'm coming
up on three years in September. But because it's commission-based, thank you for that. I appreciate
that a lot. But because it's commission-based and then also the time frame of like when I
receive my commissions is not steady, I have driven Uber as something to help support myself.
But it's just not sustainable, especially for I think what God's highlighting for me is health
and balance. Because I still work my real estate job nine to five. And then I'm up at night doing
this for survival, which is not good. Survival mode is not good. Sometimes until like one and
two in the morning. And for a season, there was grace for that. But I feel the grace wearing out,
you know? So what I've started to do, because I can't just quit my source of income willy-nilly,
I got my resume together and that was very empowering.
because I cleaned up my resume, I cleaned up my LinkedIn, and I was like,
wow, I've done a lot of things. It started to give me clearer vision on what I can apply for.
I feel much more empowered. I feel much more hopeful. And so now when I'm looking at jobs,
I'm not overwhelmed. I'm like, no, I have these skills. I have these skills. I have these skills.
So even just taking the action on Monday of working on my resume and starting to submit
for jobs has at least given me a little bit of peace. I still got to find something. So that's
the source of prayer that I'm asking for, is just favor to get those interviews and then
get hired so I can let this go. Because I'm sitting in my car right now because I just
finished driving Uber. I'm not doing this anymore. I know. That's awesome, Jennifer.
Yay. That's awesome. That's encouraging. Go for it, Allison.
One thing Jackie said, clean out your closet. And I thought it is time because, yeah,
I want some cuter clothes. And so one thing I decided to prune is poor eating. And because
I've done it for a long time because I thought if I'm not going to have a boyfriend, then I'm not
denying myself this joy. Because as Christians, we don't do a lot of the things or we shouldn't
like sleeping around or getting drunk, but eating is acceptable. And so I joined Keto and my coach
said to me, she said, when opportunity knocks, it's too late to prepare. And I said, girl,
I said, that's what they're saying in last year single. So I told my coach and really I've not
told anybody that I wanted to marry really in my life. And I told this coach, I barely know,
I'm getting married soon. And she said, really? To who? And I said, I haven't met him yet, but
I'm getting ready. And so it's just it was empowering. And with Keto, I will say they say
you have the Keto flu. And I was helping someone in crisis. I was sick all week. I was in bed this
weekend. And I realized it is a thing, the Keto flu when you've eaten poorly. So if y'all decide
to go on it, it's real, but I'm doing it. Yes. I love it. Like you can't wait till it's time to
get ready. You know, it's too late. Once you're offered, once that man is there, it's too late
to say, I got to get ready. It's too late. We got to do it now.
That's right, Alison. I love it. Anybody else? What other pruning took place?
Well, I didn't, I didn't really discover what I needed to prune until today, to be honest.
And actually it's what you said last week is what is kind of what brought it up.
I was driving this morning and I was praying and I was praying in my car. And, and then on the way
home, just a few minutes ago, a song by Jackie Velasquez came on called, I Get On My Knees.
And I remember listening to that song when I was younger. And I, and for some reason it hit me.
And I, and I started crying in my car on the way home. And I really think that I need to,
even though I don't want to, and I, I, I need to get up earlier in the morning and spend time with
God. So I'm, I'm making, I'm saying this, I'm saying this out loud to all of my sisters in here.
And I hope you guys will help keep me accountable that I'm, I'm gonna, I'm gonna get up at five
o'clock when I normally set my alarm for 530 and at least commit to 15 to 20 minutes.
That's good.
That's awesome. That's right. Way to go. That's right.
I need to, cause I need to get on my knees. That's, that song really hit me today. I don't
know. I don't know why, but it did.
Yeah. Go for it, Shirai. I know there are probably other women in this community who
spend morning times with the Lord. If it makes you feeling better,
you have a tribe that's up with you. I get up at three o'clock and so let's go for it.
You won't be up by yourself at five o'clock. I'm still praying. So yes,
I get up for worship and prayer. Well, as well as three thirties,
I just push it up to three cause I wanted a little more time on the back end.
And so, um, go for it. You will not be alone.
So when you wake up in the morning, just think, Ebony is up.
Any other ladies get up in the morning?
She's a teacher like me, so if she can survive, if she can survive getting up that early and
still teach all day, I can too.
You can do it.
You got to turn it on.
Yeah, I had a few things on the list, if that's okay.
Go for it.
What did you have?
So I am going to prune overthinking and overjudging and negative things and doubt and passivity
and material stuff, everything that's breaking, instead of trying to fix it or give it away,
I'm just throwing it away.
There's been stuff breaking nonstop, that's this distraction thing that's going on here.
And what I'm turning it in for is better health and diet, like my other sister.
I've been working on, I found a Dieting God's Way type thing on Facebook and just eating
natural.
I've read a lot about the other things and they're kind of yo-yo.
And family connections, personal care.
I usually don't like to go to the doctor, but I've been making appointments to go for
small things.
And I got sick this last week and took two days off, which I normally wouldn't do.
And I went in and got tested.
I thought I had picked up something, strep throat or COVID, and I didn't.
It's just allergies.
I was off two days last week, but I did go in and get checked and I got prescriptions
refilled that I've been delaying.
And I joined a gym, but because of my allergies, I've only made it twice.
So just trying to focus on clothing as I'm trying to watch things on Facebook, how to
put outfits together better instead of looking frumpy.
So that's kind of my goals.
Yeah.
I think that's awesome.
Yes, Laura, you do have beautiful hair.
Yeah, ladies, I think y'all all did some awesome things.
If you haven't come up with anything and this is your first time hearing about the challenge,
let's go ahead and think of some areas in our life that needs to be pruned.
We all have them.
We all have areas in our life that need pruning.
You know, to produce the fullest harvest, we do some pruning and cutting away.
And so when you think of the area that you want to prune away at, let's come up with
a plan on how we're going to get there.
And then you can just post it on the community wall.
You can be ready to share with us by the time we come back again.
You can share how you've already put your action plan in place.
And it didn't have to be one thing at a time.
You know, go for it, Kelly.
Good to see you.
Sorry, I was muted.
Yes, it's good to be back.
So we have women's ministry on Tuesday nights for different sessions.
So I'm gone for a chunk of time for that.
I think that the Lord might be telling me to find out this stuff that I've been getting to know.
Do what now?
I think the Lord might be telling me to prune out this guy that I've been getting to know.
You said prune out?
Prune, prune it.
Prune, oh, prune out this guy that you've been getting to know.
Yeah.
You think he's telling you that.
That's funny.
I haven't been, I was listening to the Supernatural Saturday when Jackie talked about that today.
Right, when I was listening to it.
Amongst other things, I felt like she was talking about pruning like basically good to great.
You know, like wanting not just good but great.
And I felt like, oh, I think that kind of might be what God's telling me with this guy.
That he's a good guy.
He's a wonderful guy.
But probably not the best match for me.
I say probably because I haven't told him that yet.
And he's actually a fairly good communicator.
So it's probably something we should talk about.
But I have a feeling that that's where it's going to go.
And that's okay.
It's been very successful because we have gotten to know each other.
It's been about four months.
And we haven't crossed any boundaries.
It's been very respectful.
So it feels like...
Even if it doesn't, or we will still be friends and can end things on like a positive note, you know.
I feel like it's an experience for both of us.
Yeah, yeah you put a good bit of time into that Kelly. Yeah.
How did y'all manage to put that much time in without defining the relationship.
Um, I think we kind of we.
I think we both entered it kind of with the same expectations like I was really clear about just getting to know people and moving really slowly and just really wanting to get to know people.
And
so that, and then probably not crossing any boundaries, you know what I mean keeping it really. We also didn't introduce each other to family or friends yet on the advice of some dating things that we had heard.
And so just kind of keeping it like that. And we also didn't see each other every weekend, you know.
Yeah. And I think, I mean, I don't know I never felt like a huge like, ah, this is the guy but there was such a strong spiritual connection that I thought.
And he may be in the same boat, you know, so it might be like, we're both in ministry so we have that in common and it's easy to share and talk about that.
But that doesn't necessarily mean that we're compatible and all the other ways to and the love match and everything, you know, for sure. Oh, I feel really good about the way it's gone.
So, we'll see if it goes further if that's it but I feel like that's what kind of hit with the Lord maybe saying, well, this is kind of run its course.
Oh, that's awesome Kelly way to go.
Thank you. Yeah, that's awesome. Thank you for sharing that.
And were you about to share something.
Well, I was thinking about it, I shared that the Lord mean, I'm like all my stuff that I have like 35 years of marriage accumulation, and I took the majority of it at the divorce.
Three and a half years ago almost four years now. And so, the action was a garage sale this weekend, where I probably gave two thirds of it away, like, just a way.
But the Lord pruned way more than that he pruned wrong beliefs about money that I like a stronghold like that I didn't even know I had, it was deep and it was, it was a familiar one that I had had, but, but I had heard two different people.
This weekend, over small amounts of money, but it was a heart thing in me.
And, and it was like that can't come into other relationships. And so it came to light, and, and thankfully the relationships are intact, because they both forgave me, but I really hurt them and didn't have any idea that was even in there so so that pruning
left to some deeper root, like yanking some root stuff out. And so anyway.
That's awesome.
Yeah, like heck.
Don't hurt.
But it's not as sweet as victory. Right, right. It's not as sweet as being powerful, but it does hurt a lot.
I think that's why we don't really prune ourselves. Right. And I showed on like the sign of when the Lord do pruning.
Yeah, thank you for sharing. You're welcome.
Ladies, I'm going to share a quick thing before we go into all our coaching so if you've got questions, get them ready.
I want to talk a little bit about our perception of things when things when we're when we're dating, or not just dating, it can be in regular relationships, but sometimes you know in the in phase one Jackie talks about that we see with our heart.
We don't always see with our eyes we see through different lenses. And so the reason why I'm bringing up because someone posted in the community, and then I had an experience myself and I thought this will be a really good thing to talk about and I'll leave with my own experience.
And so I've been dating this a great guy for a little while now, and he was saying to me we were out at the store, and he is.
He grabs my hand to hold my hand quite often and I'm not a hand holder.
And so it is.
come in place for him. One, one reason why we hold hands a lot because he's legally blind
and so that means sometimes he's going to need my help because depending on if if we're in a place
and the light lighting changes or if there are a lot of things in the way. So it's natural for him
to hold my hand sometimes or my arm but then because it's just so common to him he'll just
grab my hand. I'm like, do you need my hand right now? He's like, huh? Do you need my hand? He's
like, no. I was like, oh look, can you give me some space? So that's my response and so my roommate,
she was like, Ebony, he's just doting over you because I'm like, oh he like he can't get it.
Like I don't want to hold no hand. Get back. Give me some space and so I'll be very like
about holding my hand. I was like, can you ask for my hand? Now for him it's not a thing about
boundaries because he's very respectful of boundaries but for him it's natural to grab my
hand and so for me it's unnatural and so I was just really getting worked up and I'm like, look,
I don't know if I gotta tell you this but you look at this. Let's be clear about why we're holding
hands right now. And so she was like, oh he's just doting over you and he does. It's just like he's
crazy about me and every chance he gets he just like dotes over me. I was like, oh my,
I've never had a man who doted over me before and so I am, it's my perception of what's happening
that's robbing me of an experience that I never had before. Now I'm not talking about a man you
just met that keep grabbing your hand. Like that's out of order. I'm not saying that. We've been
dating for some months now and so there's an establishment with even him holding my arm or
hand because of the situation but it's not a new person so let's clear that up later. I'm not
talking about somebody you just met keep grabbing your hand that's inappropriate but we have an
established relationship here. And so when she said that, back to what I said, I was robbing
myself of an experience that I never had before because my first husband definitely didn't do
that. He was very much an avoidant and didn't like to be touched and so I'm affectionate.
So then I saw it again, one of the posts in the community was like, hey,
I don't know if the person who posted it is on here because I can't remember who posted it but
it was so much like my own experience. They was like, well, he kept asking me how was the date
when we were together and I think that was one of the things that she was a little agitated by it
she was a little agitated by. Let me look because they were really good agitations
and I could understand why if you haven't but these are very common things that a person
maybe if they haven't dated in a while could think is an agitation.
Give me a second.
Oh, the guy walks ahead of her. So she's I'm really agitated that when we're out he's walking
ahead of me and then he was telling her that he couldn't understand some concepts at Sunday school
now and that he kept asking how the date was going. And so I don't know how many of you ladies
have been with me before every man I've ever been on a date with. My husband have always walked
ahead of me and I have to say, could you slow down please? Who has that experience with a man
before they walk off in front of you? Now, if a man is taller than you, his stride is longer than
yours. He's going to naturally walk in front of you. He will have to really pace himself and be
thinking to slow down but it's very common for a man to walk ahead of a woman. Every woman I know
has complained about their husband walking ahead of them. And so this can be a common thing but if
you haven't been on a date in a very long time, you may think this is an agitation when you can
actually use your voice and say, hey, you're walking kind of fast. I ain't gonna keep up with
you. So if you want to walk side by side, I encourage you to slow down. I have to say this
to my friend all the time. It's like you walk too fast. You're gonna have to slow down. You know,
every time he's like, oh, I walk too fast. Oh, I need to slow down. That's another thing. Or
the second thing I said, which was a really, oh, the fact that he keeps sharing about maybe his,
what he didn't agree with maybe. Not in a negative way but like, hey, I don't really get that
concept. And the thing about that is, it's actually, the flip side is that he actually
feels safe enough to share his thoughts. He doesn't feel like you're going to judge him.
And so sometimes early on, we can have a tendency to shut a man down. And when you shut them down,
you probably won't get them to open back up. And so ladies, we have to be very mindful of that.
relationships or getting to know a person. You're dating for discovery but this still is a real
thing. You can shut a person down and they won't open back up in that area anymore and you can get
wounds caused very early on in getting to know a person and then you'd have to deal with the
results of it if this was just fear made five years down the road. You got to dig back through
to the first time you did something you didn't even know that you were doing just because of
perception. And so I just wanted to share that with you all and I want you guys to be mindful
of perception and remember that nobody is your twin. No one is an extension of you. They don't
think like you. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. It's one of the greatest books I ever
read but men and women are totally different and we think different. And when we get out there on
the dating scene we have to always remind ourselves that this person is not an extension of me.
They should not be an extension of me. They should not think like me, act like me, talk like me
because they are an individual. They're an individual. They're no different from your
brother or your sister or your cousin or your uncle. All of them have a different mindset than
you. They think different than you. You could definitely have some things that you agree
upon if you have friends but even your friends are different than you. Right? Like people aren't
you know identical so let's just be mindful of perception. Natalie do you want to add something?
Yeah I mean it's kind of along the lines actually of what you're sharing which is good.
I know we've discussed this before about difference in spirituality and how we approach
spirituality differently. You know even though I know we were kind of joking about
the love bomber guy I dated the one thing I did appreciate about him was how much we really did
have in common and a lot of my friends are like oh my gosh he's like the male version of you
but I also liked how Jackie's like you do not want to be with someone who's like you. You know you
need to have somebody you know who's going to ground you or be the opposite like if you were
on an island trying to survive you want someone who's going to think differently. So for example
now that this new guy I'm dating he couldn't be more opposite than the than the previous guy. I
he couldn't be more opposite than the than the previous guy. I was so happy that like he's very
respectful of my space. He's not over the top you know. It's kind of funny because his name is Joe
so he's kind of like your average Joe if you will but he is Catholic you know and I'm a very
spirit-filled charismatic Christian. Yes you are yes you are.
So our church but but here's what's cool our church had a big baptism called baptized
California and now we're getting ready to do baptize America soon so you guys might hear about
it and we baptized over 7,000 people on Saturday. Yes at Huntington Beach in California
and I'm just I'm so excited to share this with all of you because it is going to be coming to
every single state and we're going to get everyone involved. So anyway having said that I invited him
and he and he and he said yes and he came with me to baptize you know California and then I just
said hey by the way I'm serving at church tomorrow would you like to come to my church and he came
to with me to service. So even though he wasn't raising his hands and having a come to Jesus
moment I was really grateful that he was supportive and that he was there he wasn't trying to people
please he wasn't trying to be on you know he has this very calm quiet strength within himself.
He serves every Saturday as an usher at his church and he's kind of figuring things out
and you know I'll just share when appropriate when things come up I'll just kind of share an
idea or whatever and he seems to be very open and I'm I'm grateful for that but I guess I was just
having a little bit of concern it's really difficult for me and I know we've talked about
this and that's what we're talking about it now it's hard for me not to think down the line it's
hard for me not to think 10 steps ahead you know and there were a couple moments where it just felt
easier to cut loose and I'm like nope nope give him three chances this is a good guy this is a
good guy you know so we had another wonderful conversation today and he's been very consistent
you know I had a very stressful week he said no problem Natalie I'm not going anywhere
if you want to talk I'll be available tonight we can reschedule for next week it's not a
problem, you know, and I feel really comfortable with him. We
had our first date on Friday, we had sushi together, it was a
four hour date. So after Yeah, because after dinner, he's like,
I really don't want this time to end. I'd really like us, you
know, to go someplace to talk more. And we did. And we had so
much fun. You know, and I felt so protected when we were
navigating through on the beach through the crowds. And he was
just mindful of the surroundings. And I just felt
safe. So he's a nice guy. You know, he's six feet tall, he's
built, you know, he works out, I'm proud of him for that. I'm
not like terribly attracted to him, but I'm okay with that. And
he seems to be very respectful. And I kind of used your tactic
to Ebony because at one point, he's just like, Hey, baby, and I
said, excuse me. And he just started laughing. He goes, I
mean, Natalie, I'm like, yes. And he just kind of like felt
embarrassed. And he caught himself. And he goes, you don't
like that. And I said, No, we're still getting to know each
other, you know, and that kind of thing. And he's like, okay,
and he's never said it since. So every time he calls me Hi,
Natalie. I'm like, Hi, Joey. You know, so
this awesome, Natalie, this is so much fun. Yeah, this is
awesome. Um, yeah, we are all different. We have to give, give
space for that. We really, really do. I've heard so many
stories of men and women of God that are powerful now that were
totally different. Like one was our spirit. The other one was
our word, but they needed each other to come together. And
there are so many, it's too many for me to count. I too had to be
like Natalie, I told her maybe one of our conversations, I was
a very like, I need you to be you be in your prayer life, you
have to be this you go out the bed, everything. I need you to
be like me. And that's not, that's not a real, that's not a
real thing. That's not a real thing. Now you definitely I
mean, there's gonna have to be some level, but you're not gonna
be me. I'm not looking for me anymore. I know that marriage is
God's maturity planning. He puts two people together to empower
and help each other grow. And I'm not gonna get somebody that
I have to grow up. I can't grow somebody up. But there's gonna
have to be some level of, you know, some level ground level
that's compatible. But anyway, so what do you have on your
mind tonight, ladies? Go for it. Okay, Stephanie. Okay,
Stephanie, go for it.
Stephanie Davis.
Good night, everyone. I have a question. So I've been talking
to this guy on Facebook. And so he's been he works a lot. And I
don't want to, you know, because he always said no. And I mean,
so yes, until I said no, sorry. But he works a lot. And every
time we try to schedule to talk on the phone, he he's always
working. I've never met anybody busier than me, because I think
I'm thinking I'm always busy, but he's always busy. And I'm
like, Okay, I didn't respond because he was like, Can we talk
tonight? I didn't respond because every time we make a
time to talk, he would like, Oh, I forgot because I have to work
late. I had to finish a project. So then I'm like, you're not
gonna find time to get to know me. Am I being wrong here? Or?
No, you can basically How long has this been going on?
For like two weeks?
Yeah, just go ahead. It may be a good idea to go ahead and let
him know that you recognize that this is not the space in his
life, to get to know new individuals and you, you
understand, and you decline getting to know him any further.
Oh, look at God. Thank you.
We have to be able to recognize when a person doesn't have the
capacity. It doesn't matter what they say you you recognize that
this is this is not working. Yeah. Go ahead, Karen. Connor.
Okay. So I have not had any date yet. I've been on the Facebook
dating app now for maybe a month, maybe three weeks. Um, I
get the the guys that don't have their shirts on and just and
like every one of them is holding a fish or a deer head.
and a cowboy hat and you know baseball caps and just like I'm just not getting any like
very very very few likes and then the couple of like on on one of them I think I'm on like
silver singles or something and I'm I'm in communication with one guy that's maybe in
San Antonio which is like 80 miles from here and the only reason I gave him like a heart
was because like he scored like 176 and and all of the other scores are like 80s and 90s
and you know and I thought well I like what make like I just wanted to get to know him
some like what makes our our our what number so high of matching and so having conversations
with him is really painful like just like just trying to pull every single thing out
like nothing's flowing and and then one of the last conversations was hey well it wasn't
even hey it was um um not not doing don't have much going on um I might be up in Austin
next weekend for my nephew's baseball game and then that was it and then no more communication
and and so you know I is it so then am I supposed to like bring up the conversation like oh
like you know give me a call or let's go to coffee I don't really think I want to but you
know it just feels like I I'm putting forth all like I have to do make all the effort and it's
kind of been my experience on both dating apps and that's a lot of work and I'm just wondering
if that's just the norm right that is a lot of work and no that's not the norm and so if you
don't feel like he's worth putting in any more work so when I say worth it yeah it will seem
like he's not interested because anyway if you want to go on a date and he's not that bad you
just you know don't feel like you can drop the hanky and say hey you want to meet up for a cup
of coffee you can do that but if you don't want to do that you decided he don't look good enough
he's not interested enough I'm not about to stretch myself or extend myself any further just
for a date then don't do it sometimes there are those guys that you've been putting a little more
work but you want a cup of coffee date you like I want to make this date happen let me see if I
could just make a date happen yeah that's that's how I was about certain being like oh you look
pretty good let me just see oh you know some people you feel a little know it should go a
little bit further one last time right and I thought and I was wondering is it okay to wait
for that little nudge because I feel like I'm just like like I don't I don't want to just throw
myself out there to everybody you know and then and then hope the nudge like I don't know happens
later or something you know I want there to be a little something something how long have you
been talking to this guy well a couple a few weeks now but I've already blessed him and blocked him
just because you know like I think I did I did respond but then I didn't hear back from him or
over a week and I just thought you know I'm not I'm not gonna just you know just keep waiting
around you know I would like them to be a little bit assertive you know and engaging you know
are you saying out of the two weeks the first week you liked him back you sent a message and
he didn't respond for a week no he responded right away you know at first we you know we had some
dialogue going you know a couple times a day you know for a week or two and then and then it was
you know the weather's nice there they all of you go ahead but let me I have to make sure I'm
tracking with you okay so you say you've only talked on for two weeks but within the two weeks
you talk to him a couple times a day no it would be one time it would be no it'd be like every
other night just a sentence like how was your day do you have any plans for the weekends nothing
nothing more than that like so he was responding he was responding yeah okay he was responding
okay so let's make
track then. Okay, these are two, I have two different, so it's two different stories that's
happening now. Okay. So the problem was he didn't know how to make good conversation.
Correct. Okay. And so when you got to the end of the first week or even after the third day,
it would have been a really good time for you to just go ahead and say, Hey, like,
would you like to grab a cup of coffee and get to know each other better? Yeah. Okay.
So the reason why I want to go back and kind of coach into that way for you,
because this can have, it's going to happen again. Some men are just not good conversationalists
over, over messaging. They're just not good conversationalists. Right. So I would not say
like, Oh, he's not putting in an effort. That may have been the best effort he had.
I thought he wasn't responding to you at all. No, he, he wasn't. He, he, he, we were responding to
each other until like the last week when he said, you know, I'm going to be up in Austin,
you know, possibly this weekend. And then didn't say, you know, like, would you like to grab a
coffee? And I didn't say, would you like to grab a coffee? I just didn't hear back from him again.
Right. And so maybe he was saying that in hopes that you would kind of bite the,
bite it in and say, would you like to get together? Maybe he's nervous about talking
you next to God, but two weeks are too long. And so what I want to encourage you to do is
the next time you talk to somebody, cause some, you will get another hit. Right. It's not likely.
It's not going to happen. Um, by the third day you can ask for it, but end of the week,
you need to be zoom messaging or getting on a date. Okay. Okay. That, that, so there was a drug
out of ribbit long and I, I can see how you process that, but he may have processed the same
thing. Men struggle with conversation and they can even struggle with conversation over zoom as well.
And so, yeah, but all right. We'll be ready for the next one. Well, okay. So I've got one more
on the line and he asked how we mutual friends on Facebook. And it took me a couple of days to
respond because I was head over, I was buried underneath my garage sale stuff. So I did respond,
you know, then, and I said, I'm sorry for the delay. You know, I was buried under, you know,
work in this garage sale stuff. And I have not heard anything back and it's been it. Well,
today's what day, Tuesday, that was on Saturday. So, you know, so I just think, you know,
I don't know what's normal. Like, I don't know how long did it take you to respond to him?
Uh, probably three days. Okay. Well, okay. You know, that's what I'm wondering, but then I did
give my explanation, you know, I did, I did say, you know, um, and cause I'm not going to just,
I'm not going to ghost people. I'm not going to just, you know, let them sit there and,
and, um, you know, just hang, but I really didn't like, I didn't, I wasn't even thinking
a Facebook marketplace, you know, or Facebook dating at the time it was like, and, and, you
know, that's probably on me. Well, it's okay. Like the thoughts could be, there's a lot of
couple of thoughts that I have, but the thought could be, he could have not looked back on the app
or he could have been talking to somebody else at the same time too. He saw that you responded,
but maybe he's trying to see what's happening over on this side of town with this other person
who knows he may respond back. He may not respond back, but you can just deal with it when he does
respond back. Okay. You know, I don't want to say respond back. That is like a double something.
You're not supposed to say they taught us in school when he does respond. But, um, and if
he's in the area, you may just want to quickly grab a cup of coffee. Right. Let's get you on a
date. Yeah. Okay. All right. All right. Thank you. You're welcome. Um,
I don't know how that, okay. Um, iPhone, tell me what your name is. Iphone. Is it Felicia?
Felicia go for it. Yeah. I did change my beautiful picture on zoom, but I guess it changes again.
Anyway. Hi ladies. One of the things that I want some help with is to start getting on the app.
And I think because I haven't really sit down and made myself ready to do it, but I need to
to put my profile together and I know I can do it, but I just kind of want an idea how to put it,
you know,
start to get it together. Someone I kind of I don't know who it was I have to
look back through there but I kind of posted a little sentence stem you know I
wrote a sentence until you put your information here I wrote a sentence that
you put your information here put your information there. Was that anybody?
It was you Stephanie. Do you have it? Can you repost that for Felicia? Felicia
check out the community wall and she'll have a I want to call it like a little
dummy profile. Use that to get started and just put plug your information in. I
find that to be always easier to do and then once you finish it post it let us
take a look at it and post the pictures that you're gonna put on there and let
us take a look at it as well if you don't mind we'd like to look at and kind
of give some feedback to help you out with it. Okay. And then one fun thing I do
I don't know if any of you ladies like to do this but I think it's fun. I will
give my phone to my sister and let her pick the people that I talk to instead
of me because she knows me very well so if you got some friends that know you
let them pick some people for you and stop doing all the picking. We can be
very picky, pick over stuff but people can see outside and be like this be a
great person for you to get to know. You wouldn't necessarily pick them but let
somebody else scroll for you. That was one way I got over my nervousness too. I
would just hand her the phone. She would literally sometimes talk to people for
me and so like guys that I wouldn't go after because I thought they were just
like oh they wouldn't be interested in me she'll pick them and they'll talk and
she'll start the conversation for me because I was just so nervous early on.
She knew me very well. She wouldn't say anything I wouldn't say she know who I
am as a woman and so I'm just telling you like it's really fun to do that in
community so you know if you got anybody around you like that let them scroll for
you pick some people for you. Cool. Thank you. Thank you. Oh yeah of course. Hey Laura
go for it. Yes I just wanted to make a comment about we were talking the other
week about the guy that worked a lot of hours and we kept on passing each other
could never connect and he was texting me when I was on this call and I texted
him and said I'd be done at 7 and so I expected he'd call me you know at 701 or
something and he didn't so by 730 I decided I would call him instead of just
text and we'd never voice talked before so I called him and this man said he
spoke English and German and when I called him he picked up the phone and he
was clearly Hispanic and I said oh hi can we talk and he's like no I have to
go make my dinner now and we've been talking for two weeks trying to connect
with each other and all that and then I said well how long will that take and it
was about 15 minutes and I'm like okay well I waited like 45 minutes and he
never called me back and then he you know I just left the thing open for another week and he didn't talk to me again so I was clearly a spammer of some sort.
Hey Laura something happened with your voice. I don't know did y'all hear that or was it on my side?
Something started muffling out. I have a throat issue. Okay here you go. You're back. You said now what did you say?
What was the last thing you heard?
Last thing you said was he said the cook he never called you back and then you just and that was it.
Okay so I left the conversation open I didn't block him or anything for another week and he never responded back to me.
So I'm thinking he was a scammer and the fact that he spoke Spanish when he put in his profile English and German and had a German profile and all this
and his excuse for nipping me on and off and on and on and off was just he worked a lot which wasn't a big
point for me because my husband was a workaholic and then also about being the unequally yoked thing.
I was unequally yoked to a non-believer for 36 years so please don't anybody go there. Just don't go there.
So anyways.
Yeah I'm glad that you let that rip. You did a good job with that Laura. You were patient through the process as well.
I want to encourage you guys just based on what Laura said one week hear their voice set up something.
It's just nobody's that busy they want to get to know you but the texting for longer than a week.
a week and you haven't talked to a person and heard their voice,
I don't feel safe with that because I don't know what your background is like.
I don't know where you you know, I don't know what you have going on in your world.
And just two weeks of texting is not the best route to go.
You this is the the the the the rule that, you know,
Jackie said in place and for good reasons at the end of a week.
The rule is you need a date or Zoom call,
but you definitely would have need to hear their voice by then.
But a date or Zoom date, you need to see them.
Should not be talking to someone that you
have not seen in a week unless they're long distance.
But you need to have talk on the phone to them.
You got you know, you don't want to give your number,
you got to find a way to get over there, whether you use Messenger,
Facebook Messenger, whether you use a Google number.
But you're going to have to get on the phone with these people and you're going
to have to talk because another thing happens when you're only texting.
You create in your mind who this person is.
You don't have a choice.
You don't have a face to assign them.
You don't have a voice to assign them to.
And so no matter what they say,
you're going to hear it in the voice that you want to hear it in.
Right.
A large part of when we communicate,
our body expression speaks more than our words.
Facial expression does more talking than our words.
Right.
So when you see somebody text you, good morning, you're going to think,
oh, good morning, then you could be like, good morning.
You don't know what they sound like when they say good morning,
but you're going to hear, good morning.
Or when you see busy right now,
call you back, they could be like, leave me alone, I'm busy.
That's what they could be expressing.
But what you're going to say, oh, he takes back and say he was busy right now.
He'll follow up with me.
Right. So and the thing about it is
sometimes when you go into the second week, you're going to lose interest.
You could possibly just all of a sudden lose interest.
That has happened to me.
So, well, first of all, I don't take nobody that long.
But I am I will lose interest if I'm
talking and we hadn't set up how we're going to meet or I do.
I do FaceTime immediately, immediately.
It bothers me to talk to people that I don't know how they look.
That's just one thing with me.
When I first started with the dating apps,
I was a little nervous about giving them a number of things of such
sorts, and that's completely normal my way is not your way.
But the best way is by the end of the week,
you have a date or Zoom date where you see them.
You need to see the person that you're talking to.
And if you're you know,
and then you want to be mindful of yourself, if you're OK,
which is keep on because you're so nervous to show yourself to.
That's a real thing, y'all.
I know it is.
But we're going to get past that.
And we're going to push ourselves.
OK, anybody else?
This doesn't have to be about dating.
Those of you, it's your first time here.
This is not this is your world.
When you came out of hard work and I see you, Felicia, when we.
This phase is phase two, it's about is it's about dating, but it's about you.
You're building capacity for marriage.
Marriage requires capacity in lots of it.
In every interaction you get with people, builds capacity.
Every time you get to set a boundary, you're building capacity.
Every time you get to establish your worth
within yourself and let it be known, you're building capacity.
Every time you have uncomfortable conversations, you're building capacity.
Every time you stand up to fear and let
bravery or courage come forth, you're building capacity.
You need capacity.
Every time you forgive someone and show grace, you're building capacity.
Every time you say, no, my value is better than this.
I'm not going to continue this.
Every time you exchange the good for the great, you're building capacity.
Every time you pass up, they are right for the unknown, you're building capacity.
This is all about building capacity,
not finding your husband, because God is writing your love story.
And if you're on these apps and every time
you click it on a man, you think, well, he could be the one.
Is he the one? He might be the one.
I don't know that I'm not going to let you know.
Every time all these thoughts are rushing
through your mind, you have to remind yourself, I am dating for discovery.
I made it.
through phase two by reminding myself and this journey that I'm dating for discovery.
I am not dating for a mate. If you get stuck there, trust me, you will not be picking anyone
or you're going to be bamboozled by the first one because you're going to live in a mindset
of scarcity and nothing gets you more jacked up than a scarcity mindset. A scarcity mindset
will make you hold on to what's not the best. Right? It's not the best, but you think ain't
nothing else coming because you've been so picky. You've been so choosy. You won't give
anybody a chance because they got to be Jesus in the flesh. Okay. We cannot do that. We
want to date people who are dateable. I want to grab a cup of coffee with somebody who
seem like they can hold a good conversation. They ain't got to preach, teach. I want a
date. You need a date. Why? Because you get to discover yourself. You get to discover
that when he says make some type of sexual innuendo that you say, Hey, I'm not comfortable
with that comment. Don't make it anymore. That is the hard thing for a woman to do.
We have been designed and cultivated by our culture to allow things to be said to us and
allow things to happen and know that you get to practice knowing that, Hey, I get to be
me and I'll show up just like me, full of grace, full of kindness. You get to practice
your femininity. If you've been single for a while, you've been pushed or forced to operate
in a masculine role to take care of yourself, provide for yourself, do for yourself, take
out your trash, do everything around your house for yourself, fix for yourself. And
when you get a husband, they're going to move into the masculine role. You're going to come
into the feminine role. And that is a process. It's not going to just happen. You don't want
no sermon on day. We can't be preaching no sermon on date. No. So starting the dating
process is supposed to be nervous. It's something you've never done before. You ladies don't
feel strange because you're nervous. And I'm glad you're saying it, but I want to tell
you that you're supposed to feel nervous about putting your profile out on the worldwide
web. I used to be thinking somebody from where I'm from going to see it. And I'll be like,
golly, I don't even want them to know. But it's just supposed to be this nervous journey.
Not one single lady on this platform has not been nervous about it. It's just the way it is.
And that's the joy of it. That you get to do something that you were nervous about doing it.
That you get to stand up to fear and let courage come forth and say, oh, I know what's knocking
at my door. Fear is knocking, but really courage wants to birth. It wants to come forth. Thanks
for the challenge. Okay. Y'all hands came up. And so I know Shirai has been waiting a while to
share, and she has a little backstory to her story. So Kelly and Allison, I don't know when
y'all hand came up. So you, I'm told you go Shirai and then Kelly and Allison, I'm going to pick up
with you all to X from somewhere. I think Shirai. Yes. Okay. Go for it. Okay. Actually, my question
just kind of blew up in my face just now. Okay. Okay. So I met a guy on Facebook dating, which
you already know. And I was, and we had been on three dates. The last time I talked to you or,
because I, then it was a picnic. That was the last time we went. That's the last, that was the
last date we went on. And it was really nice and everything like that. And then the last time we
met up is I texted him and asked him if he wanted to go to Costco with me. And he walked and we
walked around Costco and I did my grocery shopping. And that was our last meeting. However,
in that, during that, during this period of time, the, the, the last time we had, it was, we had a
win on a movie date. And remember, and he, oh, yeah. Okay. So, and I ended up paying that, that
time. And then he bought snacks, but whatever. Anyways. So the last few weeks, it's been like
the last three interactions we've had, it's been initiated by me. Like the movie date,
and the picnic, and then we went to Costco.
All of those connections happened because I initiated them.
And so I kind of like started,
I started kind of feeling like
I was the one doing the initiating
and I felt like I was not being pursued.
And I, so I started backing off.
Like I started just like,
if he texts me, then I will respond,
but I'm not gonna like keep, you know,
keep on messaging him and getting like
lackluster responses or whatever.
So this morning I messaged him and I said,
and then I told him that I felt like
our communication had been off
and that I just wanted to know,
was he still interested?
Did he still wanna get to know me?
Like, where was he at, you know,
because I didn't feel like we were communicating very well.
And he proceeded to tell me that he felt like
that I wanted him to chase me.
And that he doesn't chase women and that,
and so I went to Google
cause I wanted to know what is chasing mean in dating?
Right.
So I asked Google and Google said that chasing
is when somebody is excessively, you know,
like pursuing you and there's no reciprocation.
And I don't feel like,
I feel like if anybody was excessively doing anything,
it was me.
Cause I didn't feel like,
and I didn't feel like,
cause I didn't feel like there was no reciprocation.
He hadn't asked me out on a date
since the first time he asked me out.
All the other one, all the,
all our other meetups were me.
Hmm.
And so like for him to say that I was,
that he felt like I was chased, that he was chasing me.
I didn't even feel like I was being pursued.
And so, so then, so, so then I said, well,
I feel like we're not getting really anywhere via text.
So I, so I would,
I think we need to have a conversation on the phone.
So he actually called during our meeting.
So that's why I kind of went quiet
and I started, I had a conversation with him on the phone
and he got upset.
And now I know what, he says he's not upset,
but he got upset because he saw me,
saw my profile on another dating app.
Oh.
And because he had, he, cause he wasn't,
cause he, he had backed off from me
cause he wasn't talking to me,
but he was on another dating app too.
And he saw my profile and he, and so,
because he said, he doesn't want to date a woman
who has, who, who, who is like,
has choices and everything,
like who wants to play, have choices.
And I said, you hadn't, you, we'd been on three dates.
You hadn't said, I want to be exclusive with you
or anything like that.
So why should I just like,
I put all my eggs in one basket and be like,
I'm not, I'm, I'm exclusively dating you.
You had, first of all, you didn't even say anything.
And I'm supposed to be just like, okay,
like I'm all yours.
Like, and that's, and so anyway,
the conversation basically ended just a few minutes ago
with him, me wishing him luck and him wishing me luck.
And that was it.
And that was, honestly,
I'm like on the verge of tears to be honest with you
because I am terrified that I'm not like,
that I'm, because that's the first time I've ever
like stood up for myself with a man and said,
no, it's okay that I'm dating other people
or that I'm, that doesn't make me some type of floozy
just because I'm like, you didn't,
you're not being a man.
You're not pursuing me.
And I'm supposed to be sitting back like,
and he's like, well, that's not how things work these days.
Women and women ask men to marry them.
I'm like, well, that's not from, that's not me.
And he goes, well, you're putting,
you're interjecting yourself.
And I'm like, you're talking to me.
Like how am I, like, oh my gosh,
I'm so frustrated.
Like, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, you guys.
No, this is good.
Keep going, keep sharing.
Like, I'm just really frustrated
and I'm really scared that I'm going to be by myself
because I'm standing up.
for myself. Yeah that's so good. What other fears are you sensing right now?
Like you when you talk about scarcity that's what that's what like I'm like because I'm not
this I'm not this skinny girl. I'm not like I'm not like so I don't I'm not very confident
in my body or anything like that. So I got attention from one guy
and so it's like am I gonna get attention from anybody else?
Yeah yeah. What else are you processing? What else are you sensing?
I need to get on my knees.
Yeah that's so good Shirai. Thank you for sharing that.
Um yeah everybody's supporting like great job like yeah thank you for sharing that.
But those are all real things and those are real things whether you are skinny or thicker.
Whether you are younger or older. Everything that you are experiencing women experience it
all the time. Whether you think you're pretty or you think you're not so pretty. It is the truth.
And so um way to go for standing up for yourself.
Standing up for yourself because even though you feel all the the doubts you look very empowered
right now. I know you feel that empowerment like surging through you like wait a minute.
Now I went over and beyond and you finna sit on this phone and talk to me like this and you did
that. You let that woman who believed another man wasn't coming. You let that woman who believed
that she wasn't pretty enough or small enough still speak her truth and say you're not gonna
treat me like this no matter what I think about myself because you don't get that right.
And so way to go.
Yeah um and it's kind of good that this happened at the time that it did because there's so much
so much for you to glean from this what just happened. You might not want to glean it right
now but I'm telling you I would be happy to glean with you later on after the sting leaves and after
you get adjusted to not talking to them anymore. Sometimes you can tell how much a person you can
tell what you were putting into them based on when their presence is lifted and you feel like
well who I'm gonna talk to now. Well that means that they were just filling a void. They were
just filling a space. They were just filling a space and you are gonna miss that conversation
piece right like you were getting used to kind of talking to them back and forth but they were
Those are the things you usually don't miss them from people who didn't add much to your life
but if they came and just filled the space you wanted to be filled
it's gonna feel like a void that's there and you can easily identify that. So I want you
to watch out for that because it's gonna tell you a lot about that young man.
And so I'm gonna tell you a little bit about that young man and I'm gonna tell you a little bit about
for that because it's gonna tell you a lot about that young man right and when we do think less of
ourselves which we all have doubts about ourselves we can tend to operate in a scarcity mindset like
I better hold on to this because this person is giving me attention and at the moment that happens
we become blind. We don't see all the things. All of a sudden now Shirai just let you know your eyes
were open. You're like wait a minute I'm the one doing all the work but as long as you were like
this may be the best thing I'm gonna get I don't mind putting in the extra work but all of a sudden
when you saw that he was unappreciative and started accusing you of being something that
you were completely not it's like wait a minute I'm doing all the work you ain't doing nothing
and so that is okay. I think you did well. I think this was an excellent experience.
That's the thing about dating for discovery. Who do you guys think Shirai learned the most about
herself or that man? Herself. That's why dating for discovery is amazing and I'm so glad you had
that conversation with him while you're on the call with us because it matters about your community
and it matters who you get to vent to and it matters.
you get to pour out to your sisters that put encouraging things in the chat for you. It's true.
And I know you would have liked for this young man to work out in your favor, but the truth is
he was not in your favor. And the truth is the longer you would have been with him, the longer
you would invest it in, the more it would have stung. It feels like it hurt, but it just stings.
And the truth is you're not going to give yourself over to men, even if he had to ask
you to go exclusive, this wouldn't have been best for you. And it would have cost you more
in the long run. I have a quick question. So should, because he said, he said that I should
tell people that I'm, that I'm not like dating exclusive, that I'm not dating for exclusively
or whatever. And I, and from what I've listened to so far from Jackie, that we don't need to
tell people that. Right. You don't have to tell him that. See, the problem is y'all have
two different ideas or concepts about what dating is. That's the problem. So maybe he feels like
when he talks to somebody, you're already exclusive. The, the great guy that I get an
opportunity to get to know and date, we were like on the third week and he was just like,
what are we? Like, like he was like, he was thinking we were a thing. And I was like,
Hey, I go exclusive it at 90 days, just so you know. And I'm telling you, you know, like this,
he's like, Oh, I never did that before. I just thought when you like somebody, you'd be together.
He had no problem with spreading my boundaries, but that's just what he thought. So there was a
good confusion about how dating work. Everybody's not in Jackie's program. Everybody has a different
Everybody has a different idea of what pursuing is.
Whoever these guys may have had somebody who does everything you do. I don't know,
but I know y'all had two different concepts and you have the right to say, Oh no,
basically you single till you're married. Now that's the truth. And you can go exclusive with
somebody and still say, Hey, I'm going to call this out. Because when you go exclusive, you're
actually going deeper into getting to know each other. And there comes some things that
come up that may be deal breakers. And so y'all just had two different concepts about what dating
is. That's okay. And you were on dating sites because you are a single woman and you're dating.
He could have asked you that when he saw you, he could have had the conversation with you.
He chose not to do that. That's not your problem. That's his problem. And there's a reason why he
wants to lock you in and he's not locked in. And he's not locked in. He's not locked in.
And he's not locked in. There's a reason why he didn't communicate like that. There's some
reasons why people do what they do or say what they say or why they don't do or why they don't
say not to be suspicious. I'm just telling you that he could have communicated his expectations
and he, he didn't do that. And Shira, I'm going to tell you something. As long as you're out there
dating, there's going to be a man who finds you interesting. Who's going to want to talk to you.
And you may not believe it because maybe your dates in life have come far in between,
but there's an acceleration on this program that you're on and there's an anointing on it.
And you're going to get heaven's best as long as you stick out the program. There are times,
I am a full figure woman. And there's times that I've been on a website and could have thought
that I may not get a date, but there's something about dating. There's a ebb and flow. You flow
and you just go, and then it slows down and it dries up. Then it goes, but what I want you to
do is I want you to start dealing with the things that really popped up today. And the things about
you, when you get a change, you don't have to deal with it today. You can deal with it next week. We
want to process through how you feel about Shira. Because what's going to happen is we can't afford
for you to allow man to come in and give you an identity. And if we don't take care of that now,
that's what's going to happen. And if he's the one that builds you, he's going to be the one
that breaks you. And he will break you because if he builds you, he's going to become your God.
And he's going to become the one that you look to for fulfillment and the one that tells you who
you are. And if he builds you, he will break you because that's how it works.
You don't get no choice in that. Whatever builds you, breaks you.
And so we want God to be the builder and the constructor of who you are.
And he's going to be the God of your life and he doesn't break you. But every God that you make,
an idol in your life, whatever idol it is, it comes with a demand.
And so we can't, that's a real thing. We can't have that space opening you for someone else
to define you. Whether it's your mama, whether it's your daddy, whether it's your friends,
whether it's a man, whoever it is that gives you definition, that defines you,
will be the one to break you.
Because everything that you are comes from what they say
Okay, and so we're gonna work on that and you got to catch your profile up and we're gonna keep doing both at the same
Time because what you did tonight is building your identity
What you said tonight is no, I'm worth something
It's already happening it happened when you were in phase 2 in phase 1 you get the hard work
It's already happening. You're reinforcing it
You got the hammer nails and you're reinforcing the truth about who you are and it's building you
That's why dating for discovery is so much fun because you get to practice your boundaries
You get to express your needs without fear of rejection the will the fear is gonna be there
But you get to go against it and you ain't got nothing to lose
But everything to gain ladies
Because if you don't stand up to it you've already lost
You're not gonna marry some man and all of a sudden
You don't need to know boundaries anymore
If anybody's ever been married before they can attest to this if you never been married before it's kind of hard to know that I've
been married before
In marriage you have to have boundaries even God has boundaries in
Relationship with us you have to know boundaries you have to know your value in your words
You can marry somebody God could have put a stamp of approval heaven from and say this is the one he is for you
You still got not to communicate
You still have to know how to say hey, whoa. No, that's not okay to speak to me that way
You see where I'm going with this
These things have to be built and this is the time in the season to do it and that's why I want you get on
There and date and I want you to date like it ain't nobody business. Have fun. I used to have a date every other day
I was on a roll. I used to almost forget people names when I found out I'm serious when I found out that
This helped me discover myself that I got to practice boundaries. God would say some of the boldest stuff
Because I'm like, what can I lose? I
Can't lose and so I just would when I found out like this is where is it? I just kept going for it
And if they could hold a decent conversation I was going to coffee
They weren't like, you know like making sexual comments or if they were intelligent I saw their profile
They seemed like an intelligent respectful person. We were going on a date to coffee
Not lunch not dinner, but we definitely were going to coffee
Because I needed a date because I found out that in dating I discovered Ebony
And for once this little girl who was not seen heard or known by her father had a voice
Where I could be seen I could be heard and I could be known not by the other person but by me first
And that's where you're going that you're seeing heard and known in your world
You don't need nobody else to make space for you because you've made space for yourself
And when they come they get to join the party that you've already created
Okay, go for Allison, oh, yeah go for Allison Allison is
Thank You Ebony
That was just awesome
Yeah that touched my spirit went down to the mirror and on that my question was, you know
Phase three seems to be a mystery
Maybe it's just because I don't know where it is and they say you have to have seven dates and I'm like Karen Karen
We're on these same sites
Exactly, and I've asked him about it. I don't know if it's an age thing
That I really don't know but I'm not getting any bites and I and I'm out there
but anyway
That's neither here nor there. But can you just tell us briefly what phase three is?
Yeah, I can see what phase three is. It's just another phase
Well, I know that sounds crazy when I answered you that way. I don't want to say this though
I don't know what y'all have going on in y'all communities, but I know in my community here
They have stuff at the rec center with like silver sneakers is what they call it
But you ladies have a lot advantage because these people really do gather together and have events all the time
I think you guys need to look into that in your communities because they're always getting together
But pickleball and for everything get the rec center when I go and so, um, just shooting it out there
I don't know if you tried it, but I know at the YMCA. They have a lot of stuff, too
And so, I don't know if you tried it I'm just throwing it out there you're
Aged they they get up out there a lot. They got so many even
going on. Anyway, phase three, I think one of the, I think phase three is just exciting. So it's like
a pickup of phase two. You're going to have coaches in there. They're going to help you
navigate things, but they have a lot of more events. They have a lot more community events,
like the ones that Jackie let y'all come in on, and they get a lot more coaching from Jackie too.
So you get a lot of live sessions. I go in there and they are like really, really good.
And so you may not have had a date, but if you've been in here long enough, I want you to go over
to phase three. I think that you'll really enjoy it. I know I do. And I go over there.
And so I don't know if I said a lot, but I think that within itself is,
that makes phase three very exciting. And they have a lot of love stories too.
And those are very encouraging. So they bring back the people who are married and they get to
tell the details of their story. And you'd be amazed to have some of these people. Like I know
one couple on there, I knew they were in the program when I was in the program. And she talked
about how challenging it was for them to actually get together. It was such a long journey. I don't
know how she held on that long, but they are really good. They are so good. This phase three
is really good. So we don't have to prove that, I mean, that we've had dates because I can't make
it happen. No, you cannot make it happen. No, you don't have to feel like I can't go to phase
three without dates. We want you to go to phase three. If you want to go to phase three. Yeah.
You should go over there. They're not going to ask you how many days that you have. They're
going to keep encouraging you to get dates. Thank you. You're welcome. I'll miss you,
but I understand. Well, it's not time yet. Oh, okay. I'm only four weeks, but phase three has
felt like a mystery to me. Like we can't know until we have seven dates. And I'm like, that
just may not happen. Well, no, I don't know if anybody's ever said that, but that's not true.
You can't know until you have seven dates. I don't, it wasn't listed somewhere.
That's what I heard initially. I said, okay, everyone seemed to be having dates. So, okay.
I jumped in full circle and, but you know, the men at our stage, some have lots to be,
just don't want a deer head on my wall. And I don't want to go fishing every Sunday and
that's not who I am. So right now, once they get you, they ain't going to want to go fishing every
Sunday. They just ain't got nothing to do. So you need to go ahead and talk to them.
They go fishing every Sunday. He ain't got no woman. What else you want him to do?
But when he gets you in his life, he ain't going to be hunting them deer heads no more.
He ain't going to be doing all that fishing. If he do, you're going to be sitting on the dock
of the bay, right beside him, hugging with your man. You need to talk to one of them men with
them fishing boats. Well, they all have them. So I guess that's my choice.
He just fishing because he ain't got nothing to do, girl. He waiting on you.
Okay. Well, thank you, Ebony. You're welcome. Go for it, Kelly. And y'all,
we're supposed to stop at 815. So we got like four minutes. Go, Kelly.
Okay. Allison, I just want to confirm that you should go play pickleball because everybody of
all ages play and you will meet lots of people that way. And they'll be fun and active.
Ebony, you said something earlier and this totally hit me. And I feel like this is why I might have
to prune this guy. You mentioned like going on dates and it gives you the chance to feel feminine
and fun. And I almost feel like I want too much by wanting that. Because I like the last guy that I
the last guy that I dated, that's the first guy I've ever dated that I really felt feminine around
and like, wow, he was like such a manly man. And really like, of that mindset, like provider,
protector, like it made it really I felt like, wow, this is such a game changer getting to be in
this really in my feminine, you know, and kind of like what you were saying, when you're single,
you got to do everything. You got to do it all. You got to do all the errands, you're tired,
you get in your like masculine energy. And I feel like this guy that I've been spending time with,
as wonderful as he is, like very early on, he sort of insinuated about splitting the not splitting
the tab, but each of us paying. And I understand in a lot of ways, because like, if you're not
Admit, you know, you're not um committed or whatever. It's expensive dating
But also I feel like the last woman he went out with I I know who she is. She's wonderful
She's in a very high-paying career and she paid for almost everything
with them
So he hasn't been that way with me
But he wants to split things or kind of go every other time and I'm like, I love the fact that we share the Lord
And I'm not even looking at that as a negative on him
but I know the way it makes me feel and it doesn't make me feel feminine and
like I get to get dressed up and look pretty and be feminine and I
Feel so much like I love being around him because it makes me feel like life is easier
you know all those fun things that dating should be it just feels like
Nothing is gonna change and it's gonna be just as hard, which I know that's true hard in a different way, you know, but
Yeah
Feeling I want that, you know
No, as long as you paying for yourself to eat and paying for him sometime to you not gonna feel feminine
I mean the heat least paid for the first three days or yeah, but the first three and
We he did pay for the first three one was coffee
One was a really nice dinner
One was a really nice dinner and then the next time
It's just I don't remember where it started we had a conversation and he was
Basically, I just know things are very very tight for him
But what's hard is I don't see him doing a lot to make it not tight if that makes sense
Right, and he's a good career. He's a teacher and he's a higher level teacher
Um, and he told me like, oh I had to put a new house a new roof on my house this year
so that ate up all of his like
Spending money fun money, you know
And all that's fine, and I understand all the reasons and I'm not judging him for it
I just know the way it makes me feel is like
When he plans a date, it's kind of last-minute like he's like, oh, yeah. Hey you want to hang out tomorrow night? And it's like
I'm I made plans already, you know, or it's kind of loosey-goosey. He just is real. I
Don't know it doesn't feel like there's a whole lot of effort and
That's hard. Like I feel like you don't have to have a lot of money, but you could make effort
you know to
plan a nice date instead of it just being so like chill all the time and
Yeah, well that's definitely was would've been do a conversation I think that it should have happened early on
Whatever we allow becomes a pattern Kelly
And so I want to encourage you the next guy you're dating
Let's have those conversations very early on as soon as you notice it and not only there
I want to say something else you said
You can ask a person not to share their personal financial business with you
Because sometimes it could feel like they're asking you to help carry a burden
He might ask you for any money, but now you got to consider his financial
Situation into what you what y'all are doing or what you're thinking about y'all doing?
And so that's the issue and that's why you're feeling that way
and so what happens is because y'all have all these spiritual conversations and
Y'all get each other so much now
He's sharing that and so what you have to do is very early on even if y'all do do ministry and y'all have all these
Things you have to just put a limit to the type of conversations you want to have you can say look
Thank you for feeling safe enough to share that but I like to
I don't prefer to have conversations about each of the financial status because in the past
It just made me feel a little burdensome. And so I'm asking list. Let's just stay away from those
And what okay, that's yeah, that's fair
And and we did have I mean we had a conversation about this not it was probably a good six weeks ago
Like I said, we don't see each other every weekend. Um
because
He
Left things in my court. Like he had asked me like do you want to go to lunch?
He might have been lunch after church. We don't go to the same church. And so when I called him he was like, okay
well, do you have any ideas where you'd like to go and I was a little frustrated thinking like
Can you not can you not plan a date, you know
He probably doesn't know how to plan a date, you know, I don't want to cut you out, but I got it in this session
So he doesn't man don't do well planning dates. So what you can do is communicate
Okay. Yeah, Rachel. I'll miss you. But what you can do is commute
I don't want you to go back and say both at the same time what you want to do
It was communicate to him like, hey, I have an idea.
One time I'll plan a date.
The next time I want you to plan.
We've been out enough.
So this is for the new pro.
We've been out enough to kind of know what each other likes.
And so it's going to be in your court.
Whatever you choose, I'm going to be good to go.
You don't have to worry about if it's going to please me.
You pick a place.
I pick a place.
And that's how you're going to have to try
to alleviate some of that.
Most men are not planners.
That's the truth.
But if you want to have someone planning with you,
then you're going to have to say, you pick a place.
I pick a place.
You pick a place.
I pick a place.
OK.
Yeah.
Felicia, did you have a quick question?
Not really a question, but I just
wanted to say thank you.
Last week when you spoke to me about, you know,
drop the hankies, that's a new word for me.
I know, it was new for me too.
But anyway, my senior pastor, I love this new church
where I moved here in Virginia.
And our senior pastor, they embrace single people,
meeting people in the church.
And exactly what you said, he said,
we keep saying that there's no one in the church.
Oh, we go to this big church and they're empty.
There are no single men.
He said, have you looked around?
Have you invite someone for coffee?
And he had all the single people stand up.
And he said, oh, yes.
I've never been to a church who embraced it so intensely.
He said, all of the single people,
after he dealt with marriage, he said,
all the single people stand up.
And he said, okay, we're going to do this again.
But you guys didn't jump up fast enough.
Are you single and ready to be married?
And we had to sit down and start again.
And after we get up, he said, okay.
He prayed over us, the wife prayed over us.
And it's a big church, he loved this church so much.
And he said, we need to look around.
We need to make sure we're looking around
to see who stand up single.
Men do it, women do it.
And I love when you talk about yoking.
He said, listen, a lot of time in the church,
we don't preach that because we're looking
and we're dating and we're single, we're lusting.
So that's not what we're doing.
We're looking around to partner,
to yoke with the people in the body of Christ,
to see who is the right fit, but we need to make a move.
And I'm like, wow, exactly what Ebony,
after I was thinking about like, oh my God,
I can't believe Ebony said I should do this.
And then he just knocked it in the head on Sunday.
We need to be looking around and inviting each other out,
make a move.
And that was so exciting.
I just want to share that with you.
Yeah.
Thank you for sharing.
That's awesome.
We do.
And it's so kind of, I was at a singles conference
and they told it, everybody that was single,
they would tell us to look around.
I was so nervous to do it.
And I'm like, come on, you know,
it makes you feel like,
this ain't look crazy thoughts in your head.
Come like, I don't want to look desperate.
You don't look desperate.
They told you to look around.
You know you want to.
Exactly.
And it's very, I don't want anyone to think that.
It's very nervous for me because standing up
in the first time, that's the first time
since my husband passed away,
I've standing up declaring that I'm single.
It was really like, oh my God,
I feel like something was holding me down.
But I have to do it because in reality,
I am legally single through that.
But that was good.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
It was awesome ladies tonight.
I want you guys to get in your bed.
Don't forget, if this is your first time caring,
you're going to love this activation.
I want you to jump in that good old bed of yours.
And I want you to roll over till you get to the other side
just before you fall out.
And on your way back over,
I want you to thank the Lord that one day
that spot is going to be filled with your H-U-S-B-A-N-D,
your own man, baby, that you get to roll into.
And you're going to say, Lord, I thank you.
And we're going to do that every night
till we get the hang of this thing.
Cause one day you're going to roll over
and he's going to be laying there.
Yes Lord.
So you ladies have a good night.
I look forward to seeing you guys and we will talk soon.
Good night.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Good night.
Love you ladies.
Thank you, Ebony.
Good night.
Bye, Rachel.
Bye, Ebony.
Thank you for making us giggle, Ebony.
For your what?
You're the best, Ebony.
You are.
Thank you for the giggles.
Good night.
Hold strong, Shirai.
You got this.
Yes.
Post in the community so I can know how you're doing.
Okay, I will.
Okay.
Ebony, what about our recording?
How do I access this?
Cause I know it's recorded.
You can't, it is recorded,
but they don't post this one
and they don't give access to it.
They only post at one o'clock.
All right.
I'm sorry.
You did good, Shirai.
You did good.
Yeah, you did good.
I'm so proud of you, Shirai.
That's awesome.
You look good for better.
Yeah.
Bye.
Y'all are the best.