WEBVTT

1
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:06.760
All right, welcome to Monday, May 19th, Men's Heart Check-In.

2
00:00:06.760 --> 00:00:12.520
So there's a few of us here, probably some other guys will jump on here and this is that,

3
00:00:12.520 --> 00:00:13.520
come in and out.

4
00:00:13.520 --> 00:00:15.160
This is how we do it.

5
00:00:15.160 --> 00:00:18.320
Guys, what's going on?

6
00:00:18.320 --> 00:00:22.520
What's on your mind and heart this evening?

7
00:00:22.520 --> 00:00:26.760
David, did you get my email?

8
00:00:26.760 --> 00:00:27.760
I'm sorry?

9
00:00:27.760 --> 00:00:29.520
Did you get my email?

10
00:00:29.520 --> 00:00:31.920
I did get your email, yes.

11
00:00:31.920 --> 00:00:35.600
I've been out of town the last five days.

12
00:00:35.600 --> 00:00:37.960
And I just wanted to make sure you got it.

13
00:00:37.960 --> 00:00:38.960
That's all I'm concerned about.

14
00:00:38.960 --> 00:00:39.960
No, yeah, no, I did.

15
00:00:39.960 --> 00:00:40.960
I did get it.

16
00:00:40.960 --> 00:00:41.960
For sure.

17
00:00:41.960 --> 00:00:42.960
Thank you.

18
00:00:42.960 --> 00:00:43.960
Yeah.

19
00:00:43.960 --> 00:00:44.960
And yeah.

20
00:00:44.960 --> 00:00:56.960
That was an interesting week here with the prayer on Sunday night and the confession

21
00:00:56.960 --> 00:01:01.360
on Saturday and Sunday.

22
00:01:01.360 --> 00:01:07.560
There's only a few of us guys on there, but what was the confession that was quite interesting

23
00:01:07.560 --> 00:01:14.480
and that really helped a lot of people to confess and release a lot of the lies that

24
00:01:14.480 --> 00:01:16.680
they've been hearing from the enemy.

25
00:01:16.680 --> 00:01:20.440
And Josh was online, I appreciated that very much for Josh going out.

26
00:01:20.440 --> 00:01:26.080
He opened himself right up and so was Charles, and they did a great job of opening up and

27
00:01:26.200 --> 00:01:33.080
just, especially in front of women, what Charles had to confess was, I was proud of him because

28
00:01:33.080 --> 00:01:36.680
that's something that many men would confess in front of women.

29
00:01:36.680 --> 00:01:37.680
And so he did a great job.

30
00:01:37.680 --> 00:01:42.680
And so if we, you know, see him tonight, that'd be nice.

31
00:01:42.680 --> 00:01:43.680
Yeah.

32
00:01:43.680 --> 00:01:50.840
Yeah, that was, I didn't catch all of, I didn't catch that.

33
00:01:50.840 --> 00:01:54.520
So I didn't see what happened there.

34
00:01:54.520 --> 00:02:02.880
And so you felt like, you felt like there was some breakthrough, felt like it was good

35
00:02:02.880 --> 00:02:06.960
to hear other men just be transparent, vulnerable?

36
00:02:06.960 --> 00:02:07.960
Well that basically is.

37
00:02:07.960 --> 00:02:11.480
That's a hard thing to do for us men to do is to be, especially in front of ladies, because

38
00:02:11.480 --> 00:02:14.520
we're trying to make a good impression in front of them all the time.

39
00:02:14.520 --> 00:02:19.440
It's best if we don't want to look weak in so many words.

40
00:02:19.440 --> 00:02:24.040
And because we are the protector and the providers, and it's very difficult to confess anything

41
00:02:24.560 --> 00:02:28.760
in front of them, but it's good practice because we need to confess these things before our

42
00:02:28.760 --> 00:02:34.160
future spouses, if anything, you know, it just really placed us in a place of humility,

43
00:02:34.160 --> 00:02:35.880
the proper type of humility.

44
00:02:35.880 --> 00:02:39.920
As long as we're received in that way, because so many people can judge us so easily, women

45
00:02:39.920 --> 00:02:43.880
can judge us so easily by our confession, it's like, well, I don't want to be near that

46
00:02:43.880 --> 00:02:44.880
guy.

47
00:02:44.880 --> 00:02:45.880
He's been near drugs.

48
00:02:45.880 --> 00:02:50.760
I mean, that's the hope for the women that they'll realize that here's a man who's strong

49
00:02:50.760 --> 00:02:56.280
enough to be able to say, listen, I'm confessing in front of all you ladies, and I'm hoping

50
00:02:56.280 --> 00:02:58.760
to see it as a strength, not a weakness in my life.

51
00:02:58.760 --> 00:02:59.760
Right.

52
00:02:59.760 --> 00:03:01.760
And that's a big part of it.

53
00:03:01.760 --> 00:03:02.760
Yeah.

54
00:03:02.760 --> 00:03:03.760
And it's true.

55
00:03:03.760 --> 00:03:11.400
I mean, women definitely are going to want to see a man, you know, obviously we talked

56
00:03:11.400 --> 00:03:20.640
a lot about the first need of women to feel secure, to feel, you know, feel the strength

57
00:03:20.640 --> 00:03:22.400
of the masculine in their life.

58
00:03:22.400 --> 00:03:28.280
But at the same time, they're also really wanting that masculine, especially if it's

59
00:03:28.280 --> 00:03:33.520
a person that's playing a specific role in their life, like a father, a significant other

60
00:03:33.520 --> 00:03:39.680
boyfriend, you know, somebody who's, you know, very significant for them to also be

61
00:03:39.680 --> 00:03:45.680
very kind and compassionate and on the heels of that, also very humble to the point where

62
00:03:45.680 --> 00:03:47.320
that can be transparent.

63
00:03:47.320 --> 00:03:50.160
You know, they want their men to be open emotionally.

64
00:03:50.160 --> 00:03:53.960
So women want that, but you're right.

65
00:03:53.960 --> 00:03:55.440
First and foremost, the security.

66
00:03:55.440 --> 00:03:59.280
And then it's just like, and then to go right to the emotional part of it, which we have

67
00:03:59.280 --> 00:04:04.320
a difficulty being in connecting with our emotions as it is.

68
00:04:04.320 --> 00:04:06.640
And then on top of that being vulnerable.

69
00:04:06.640 --> 00:04:12.200
So, but there is a, there's a precariousness to it because it's like, yes, as men, we do

70
00:04:12.200 --> 00:04:16.560
want to exhibit and show strength.

71
00:04:16.560 --> 00:04:23.120
And if we show too much vulnerability, too much of this, and we look like we're not coming

72
00:04:23.120 --> 00:04:27.160
from a healed place, then obviously that's where probably we're going to give the wrong

73
00:04:27.160 --> 00:04:28.160
impression.

74
00:04:28.320 --> 00:04:36.280
But yes, if you can come from a position of strength, like, look, this is who I am today.

75
00:04:36.280 --> 00:04:40.080
Not perfect, but I'm going through this, but I will confess to you.

76
00:04:40.080 --> 00:04:49.880
I will reveal to you something that would, could, could make me look bad in your eyes.

77
00:04:49.880 --> 00:04:53.920
And it's, I'm doing this by way of vulnerability and confession.

78
00:04:53.920 --> 00:04:56.640
Yeah, that can be super powerful.

79
00:04:56.640 --> 00:05:00.080
And it can be very appreciative, very like, oh, wow, that.

80
00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:10.480
they can be very compassionate in that and so it's good stuff. How do you guys feel about that?

81
00:05:10.480 --> 00:05:22.800
How comfortable are you with being transparent with somebody who you are trying to impress?

82
00:05:22.800 --> 00:05:28.320
Like where's the line do you feel that is? It's like oh like how far do I go in this? Like you

83
00:05:28.320 --> 00:05:34.560
know obviously we're talking a lot about some of the dating practices like just that alone like

84
00:05:34.560 --> 00:05:39.600
first second third date that area right there it's very important we're trying to build a bridge

85
00:05:39.600 --> 00:05:44.800
we're not trying to build in disconnection so it's a little bit too much to go vulnerable at

86
00:05:44.800 --> 00:05:51.920
that stage but a certain stage it's like well you know how much is too much and so how do you how

87
00:05:51.920 --> 00:05:58.240
do you guys feel about that? Where do you think the line is for that? And maybe that's a little

88
00:05:58.240 --> 00:06:01.520
gray I mean that might be a little bit too I don't want to be absolutist with this I don't

89
00:06:01.520 --> 00:06:05.520
want to be rule oriented with this. Anybody got any good advice they can share?

90
00:06:05.520 --> 00:06:17.040
Nobody? Hey David.

91
00:06:19.760 --> 00:06:24.480
I think it's yeah well you can go ahead if you want Daniel. No no you came off mute first I'll

92
00:06:24.480 --> 00:06:30.160
get in line it's good you got it. I guess the thing I'm struggling with is I'm coming from

93
00:06:30.160 --> 00:06:34.560
the other angle I used to be too much of a people pleaser used to say way too much way too quickly

94
00:06:35.120 --> 00:06:43.120
anxious attachment so and the other struggle is just the past relationship that I had which was

95
00:06:43.120 --> 00:06:48.640
basically a situation ship was very abusive so it's just dealing with the cognitive dissonance

96
00:06:48.640 --> 00:07:00.320
between you know I guess being very people pleasing and very empathic I mean was I am I

97
00:07:00.400 --> 00:07:06.240
really that way or was I that way because of things that I picked up all along the way from

98
00:07:06.240 --> 00:07:11.600
my parents and all that right and it's not really who I am so that's the struggle that's what I mean

99
00:07:11.600 --> 00:07:16.240
by the cognitive dissonance it's like it's fighting between am I really this empathic person

100
00:07:16.800 --> 00:07:21.680
or did I just do that as a survival mechanism just to deal with my family growing up right so

101
00:07:22.320 --> 00:07:29.680
but yeah absolutely it definitely comes and yeah this is why the rules hard and fast rules

102
00:07:29.680 --> 00:07:35.840
don't really work in this because we're all in different parts of our journey you know some of

103
00:07:35.840 --> 00:07:41.120
us are at a greater level of healing even in certain areas there might be like a certain

104
00:07:41.120 --> 00:07:47.360
area where I'm really needing some healing but somebody else is like really you know very healed

105
00:07:47.360 --> 00:07:52.400
and healthy hearted in that area so it could be like area by area but yeah it definitely comes

106
00:07:52.400 --> 00:07:58.480
from where where you're coming from if you're like look I have a history of I guess a simple

107
00:07:58.480 --> 00:08:07.200
way to look as I made this value stack last week in terms of like high love low strength

108
00:08:07.200 --> 00:08:13.440
high strength low love but really what we want to be as redeemed men we want to operate in high

109
00:08:13.440 --> 00:08:21.440
strength and high love and having a balance of that you know so in a situation where you're like

110
00:08:21.440 --> 00:08:28.640
I have very low strength but I have a high value for love and so you may not be equating

111
00:08:29.440 --> 00:08:36.799
you know being open and transparent with like love and being too like too casual or too open

112
00:08:36.799 --> 00:08:42.320
with love but it comes from a position of wanting to be accepted it comes from a position of wanting

113
00:08:42.320 --> 00:08:50.400
to like value feelings value acceptance value sort of like the intrinsic things of a relationship

114
00:08:50.400 --> 00:08:57.280
first and there's some damage there so you're operating in a high value of love but with but

115
00:08:57.280 --> 00:09:02.080
you need the strength to come up so you like you need the value of strength to come up in your life

116
00:09:02.080 --> 00:09:10.880
in terms of not just physical strength but like maturity confidence this is where all of those

117
00:09:10.880 --> 00:09:17.520
values lie in that strength side and love side and so like if you're you're dealing with in this

118
00:09:17.520 --> 00:09:24.240
situation like hey I'm really still healing I have a high value for love needing to be heard

119
00:09:24.240 --> 00:09:32.320
needing to be needed to be validated needing to be understood needing to be all that but I lack

120
00:09:32.320 --> 00:09:39.600
this area of confidence and maturity to where like I'm finding it you know difficult when I'm too

121
00:09:39.600 --> 00:09:48.080
vulnerable so I'm over valuing this love side this emotional side versus just producing or

122
00:09:48.080 --> 00:09:55.840
showing quiet strength you know like especially in a new relationship or a budding relationship

123
00:09:55.840 --> 00:09:59.920
so I think a good way to look at is this value of like love and strength.

124
00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:02.400
You know, like the sort of like the two,

125
00:10:02.400 --> 00:10:06.320
and then what we want to do in a ideal sense,

126
00:10:06.320 --> 00:10:09.320
a really healthy sense is we want a high value for love,

127
00:10:09.320 --> 00:10:11.280
high value for strength.

128
00:10:11.280 --> 00:10:13.180
And the only reason I'm sharing that is because I think

129
00:10:13.180 --> 00:10:17.880
that gives us a real simple model to,

130
00:10:17.880 --> 00:10:21.640
for us to like help us get into some balance.

131
00:10:21.640 --> 00:10:22.680
Does that make sense?

132
00:10:28.040 --> 00:10:28.880
David Henshaw.

133
00:10:30.000 --> 00:10:31.520
Yeah, yeah.

134
00:10:31.520 --> 00:10:34.040
Yeah, so like the position you're coming from

135
00:10:34.040 --> 00:10:36.400
in terms of the relationship, you're going,

136
00:10:36.400 --> 00:10:41.400
hey, I've had a high value on the emotional,

137
00:10:41.840 --> 00:10:46.400
the love side to where like that part of the relationship

138
00:10:46.400 --> 00:10:49.640
to where it's become a little bit more overextended

139
00:10:49.640 --> 00:10:53.480
because, you know, I've noticed that I was maybe

140
00:10:53.480 --> 00:10:56.960
a little too much in touch that it's definitely based

141
00:10:56.960 --> 00:10:59.920
in some trauma, so I need some heart healing there.

142
00:10:59.920 --> 00:11:03.720
And then, but I'm going to level up on the strength side

143
00:11:03.720 --> 00:11:05.440
in terms of the relationship,

144
00:11:05.440 --> 00:11:07.760
which will help to balance that out a little bit.

145
00:11:07.760 --> 00:11:08.600
Make sense?

146
00:11:10.120 --> 00:11:11.240
Yeah.

147
00:11:11.240 --> 00:11:12.160
Yeah.

148
00:11:12.160 --> 00:11:15.240
Yeah, I mean, it doesn't make me happy to stop,

149
00:11:15.240 --> 00:11:18.040
but I took a step and I said, if there's room,

150
00:11:18.040 --> 00:11:20.800
they move the spotlight to the 29th,

151
00:11:20.800 --> 00:11:24.000
but I'm going to be on it if there's still room.

152
00:11:24.000 --> 00:11:25.960
They said that email again next week.

153
00:11:25.960 --> 00:11:26.800
So, yeah.

154
00:11:26.800 --> 00:11:28.240
Yeah, and see, that's the thing.

155
00:11:28.240 --> 00:11:30.800
That's a perfect example.

156
00:11:30.800 --> 00:11:35.200
Like what you're needing is like a level of vulnerability,

157
00:11:35.200 --> 00:11:39.560
which requires confidence and requires strength

158
00:11:41.040 --> 00:11:46.040
in the area of like, oh, I, like boldness, being confident.

159
00:11:46.120 --> 00:11:48.600
So you're like, I'm going to sign up for this.

160
00:11:48.600 --> 00:11:49.840
I'm going to go for this.

161
00:11:49.840 --> 00:11:53.240
That's a position, that's an exercise of strength

162
00:11:53.280 --> 00:11:57.720
for you to come into a situation to be spotlighted

163
00:11:57.720 --> 00:12:00.640
rather than try to be understood.

164
00:12:01.880 --> 00:12:05.160
So that's a level of confidence.

165
00:12:05.160 --> 00:12:06.080
That's a bold move.

166
00:12:06.080 --> 00:12:09.000
That's like a, well, oh, that's a strength move.

167
00:12:09.000 --> 00:12:11.960
So it's an exercise of strength coming in.

168
00:12:11.960 --> 00:12:12.880
That's what you need.

169
00:12:12.880 --> 00:12:14.640
That's the value that you need to hold onto

170
00:12:14.640 --> 00:12:17.920
that will balance out some of that love side of it.

171
00:12:19.000 --> 00:12:19.840
Yeah.

172
00:12:19.840 --> 00:12:21.680
My only concern is I don't want to say too much

173
00:12:21.680 --> 00:12:24.440
on when I get spotlighted, because that's where I'm at.

174
00:12:24.440 --> 00:12:25.280
You don't have to.

175
00:12:25.280 --> 00:12:27.320
You don't, you know, I don't want to.

176
00:12:27.320 --> 00:12:29.120
The spotlight session is a way to,

177
00:12:29.120 --> 00:12:34.120
it's a very cultivated way to be able to present yourself.

178
00:12:34.200 --> 00:12:35.720
Because Jackie gives you a very specific,

179
00:12:35.720 --> 00:12:37.040
like do this, do that.

180
00:12:37.040 --> 00:12:38.200
This is what we need to hear from you.

181
00:12:38.200 --> 00:12:39.320
It's very short.

182
00:12:39.320 --> 00:12:40.360
It doesn't go on and on and on.

183
00:12:40.360 --> 00:12:41.240
You know what I'm saying?

184
00:12:41.240 --> 00:12:45.800
So it's a very, very, but it takes boldness,

185
00:12:45.800 --> 00:12:49.600
you know, for you to kind of say, yeah, I'm going to do that.

186
00:12:49.600 --> 00:12:53.680
I'm going to sign up and have some confidence to do that.

187
00:12:53.680 --> 00:12:54.520
So that's good.

188
00:12:54.520 --> 00:12:55.360
That's a good exercise.

189
00:12:56.800 --> 00:12:57.640
Yeah.

190
00:12:57.640 --> 00:13:01.480
One of the things that really helped me was just remembering,

191
00:13:01.480 --> 00:13:04.640
I think Jackie said about a month ago, but she said it.

192
00:13:04.640 --> 00:13:05.480
And then I thought about it.

193
00:13:05.480 --> 00:13:06.320
It's true.

194
00:13:06.320 --> 00:13:08.960
Like the longer you keep waiting and dragging your feet,

195
00:13:08.960 --> 00:13:10.640
the more cold your heart gets.

196
00:13:10.640 --> 00:13:12.920
You got to, you got to say, this is it.

197
00:13:12.920 --> 00:13:14.360
Take action.

198
00:13:14.360 --> 00:13:15.200
Yeah.

199
00:13:15.200 --> 00:13:16.040
Yeah.

200
00:13:16.040 --> 00:13:17.120
That's a strength.

201
00:13:17.120 --> 00:13:17.960
That's a strength move.

202
00:13:17.960 --> 00:13:18.960
That's what I'm trying to talk about.

203
00:13:19.880 --> 00:13:22.320
That is a move that elevates the strength side

204
00:13:22.320 --> 00:13:23.720
of what you're trying to do.

205
00:13:24.760 --> 00:13:26.680
Something that you're like, maybe afraid to do,

206
00:13:26.680 --> 00:13:27.800
but you're doing it in boldness.

207
00:13:27.800 --> 00:13:29.800
You're like, I'm just going to do it afraid anyway,

208
00:13:29.800 --> 00:13:31.360
or I'm not going to wait on it any longer.

209
00:13:31.360 --> 00:13:32.920
I'm just going to make that move.

210
00:13:32.920 --> 00:13:36.960
That's a strength move in a healthy way.

211
00:13:36.960 --> 00:13:38.560
Right?

212
00:13:38.560 --> 00:13:39.800
Yeah.

213
00:13:39.800 --> 00:13:41.920
Daniel, what do you got?

214
00:13:43.080 --> 00:13:43.920
Yeah.

215
00:13:43.920 --> 00:13:44.960
I was going to throw in, just throw in my two cents

216
00:13:44.960 --> 00:13:47.640
or my kind of thought and see what the, see if, you know,

217
00:13:47.640 --> 00:13:48.800
you want to throw some arrows at it.

218
00:13:49.600 --> 00:13:52.400
I think you're using the word strength and love, right?

219
00:13:53.360 --> 00:13:54.200
Yeah.

220
00:13:54.200 --> 00:13:55.040
Is that right?

221
00:13:55.040 --> 00:13:57.680
I think I would probably say strength and vulnerability

222
00:13:57.680 --> 00:14:01.320
because we're talking about like, I kind of stepped away.

223
00:14:01.320 --> 00:14:02.360
I had a grocery delivery,

224
00:14:02.360 --> 00:14:05.080
but it sounded like someone had like kind of

225
00:14:05.080 --> 00:14:07.640
been really vulnerable and open on a call,

226
00:14:07.640 --> 00:14:09.440
one of the larger co-ed calls.

227
00:14:10.400 --> 00:14:14.520
And I think, you know, the question came up of like,

228
00:14:14.520 --> 00:14:17.920
basically how much do you share with your romantic partner?

229
00:14:18.960 --> 00:14:21.240
And I think, you know, all like,

230
00:14:21.240 --> 00:14:23.800
all relationships are contextual, right?

231
00:14:23.800 --> 00:14:28.480
And so like, if I'm having an issue with Microsoft Excel,

232
00:14:28.480 --> 00:14:30.600
I'm not going to bring it to this HeartWork course

233
00:14:30.600 --> 00:14:33.440
because you guys are not my Microsoft Excel guys, right?

234
00:14:33.440 --> 00:14:35.400
I have people at work that I can call

235
00:14:35.400 --> 00:14:39.040
and I can get like Microsoft Excel conversations.

236
00:14:39.040 --> 00:14:41.160
I've got people that I can run with.

237
00:14:41.160 --> 00:14:42.800
I've got lifting buddies.

238
00:14:43.720 --> 00:14:46.360
I called my accountability partner today

239
00:14:46.360 --> 00:14:48.040
to run something by him.

240
00:14:48.080 --> 00:14:50.360
And so I think, first of all,

241
00:14:50.360 --> 00:14:53.120
you shouldn't wait until you're in a romantic relationship

242
00:14:53.120 --> 00:14:55.240
to start building an accountability system.

243
00:14:55.240 --> 00:14:58.960
You should try to establish that like tomorrow,

244
00:14:58.960 --> 00:14:59.920
like yesterday.

245
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:01.640
a year ago, right?

246
00:15:03.180 --> 00:15:05.800
And so I think, you know, there's this,

247
00:15:05.800 --> 00:15:08.800
one of the criticisms I've seen of like,

248
00:15:08.800 --> 00:15:10.600
of our modern view of marriage

249
00:15:10.600 --> 00:15:13.380
is that we expect it to be everything.

250
00:15:13.380 --> 00:15:16.660
We expect to be able to bring and receive everything

251
00:15:16.660 --> 00:15:18.080
from this one relationship.

252
00:15:18.080 --> 00:15:18.920
Yeah.

253
00:15:18.920 --> 00:15:21.720
And I'm wondering, I'm kind of wondering out loud here

254
00:15:21.720 --> 00:15:24.020
and feel free to tell me what you think.

255
00:15:24.020 --> 00:15:25.160
I don't know.

256
00:15:26.040 --> 00:15:29.040
I almost feel like for accountability

257
00:15:30.480 --> 00:15:33.480
and a lot of the vulnerability sides,

258
00:15:33.480 --> 00:15:36.360
because a woman does want a strong man.

259
00:15:36.360 --> 00:15:39.760
And I've heard story after story of, you know,

260
00:15:39.760 --> 00:15:41.960
the guy finally opens up and like cries

261
00:15:41.960 --> 00:15:44.240
in front of the woman and she leaves him the next day.

262
00:15:44.240 --> 00:15:46.320
I've heard so many things like that.

263
00:15:46.320 --> 00:15:49.320
And so I almost wonder like how, like how,

264
00:15:49.320 --> 00:15:51.400
when women say they want their men to be vulnerable,

265
00:15:51.400 --> 00:15:52.520
do they really?

266
00:15:52.520 --> 00:15:54.920
Like, do they really want to see that weak side?

267
00:15:54.920 --> 00:15:57.560
And is it more appropriate to bring that

268
00:15:57.560 --> 00:15:59.040
to a group like this of like,

269
00:15:59.040 --> 00:16:01.360
hey guys, I really messed up last night.

270
00:16:01.360 --> 00:16:03.200
I need you to pray for me.

271
00:16:03.200 --> 00:16:05.400
I need, you know, I need to be able to hop off

272
00:16:05.400 --> 00:16:07.880
and message Kenton and kind of give him the details

273
00:16:07.880 --> 00:16:11.000
and have him pray for me and hold me accountable.

274
00:16:11.000 --> 00:16:13.600
To me personally, that actually feels safer

275
00:16:13.600 --> 00:16:16.400
than being like, hey, I know we've only been dating

276
00:16:16.400 --> 00:16:17.240
for three weeks,

277
00:16:17.240 --> 00:16:19.400
but I need to talk to you about this struggle.

278
00:16:19.400 --> 00:16:21.640
But I need to talk to you about this struggle

279
00:16:21.640 --> 00:16:26.000
and potentially just having a whole relationship implode

280
00:16:26.000 --> 00:16:28.280
because you were too vulnerable.

281
00:16:28.280 --> 00:16:29.120
So I don't know.

282
00:16:29.120 --> 00:16:30.240
What do you guys think?

283
00:16:30.240 --> 00:16:31.440
Now we're talking about,

284
00:16:31.440 --> 00:16:33.000
I just want to clarify some things there

285
00:16:33.000 --> 00:16:35.360
because when I say the strength and love thing,

286
00:16:36.520 --> 00:16:38.600
what I'm trying to do is I introduced this concept

287
00:16:38.600 --> 00:16:40.680
last week very briefly.

288
00:16:40.680 --> 00:16:43.480
And what I was talking about is just to make

289
00:16:44.840 --> 00:16:46.120
things really simple.

290
00:16:46.120 --> 00:16:49.400
Those two categories are extremely, extremely broad.

291
00:16:50.480 --> 00:16:52.360
And it's kind of like this,

292
00:16:53.680 --> 00:16:57.320
the world sort of gives us two choices in masculinity.

293
00:16:58.360 --> 00:16:59.960
It gives us the sense of like,

294
00:16:59.960 --> 00:17:02.080
it's almost like the type A, type B.

295
00:17:02.920 --> 00:17:06.160
It's just like the strength, high value of strength,

296
00:17:06.160 --> 00:17:09.839
low value of love, concern, compassion, all the things.

297
00:17:09.839 --> 00:17:12.240
And we'll just call that category love.

298
00:17:12.240 --> 00:17:16.079
And then the other option is if you're not that,

299
00:17:16.880 --> 00:17:18.280
well, then you must be this.

300
00:17:18.280 --> 00:17:21.880
You have to be someone who is high value of emotions,

301
00:17:21.880 --> 00:17:25.720
love, sincerity, encouragement, compassion,

302
00:17:25.720 --> 00:17:28.119
all the different things in the love category,

303
00:17:28.119 --> 00:17:31.400
but you're just very weak in terms of like leadership,

304
00:17:31.400 --> 00:17:34.800
your own lifestyle, your own self-discipline,

305
00:17:34.800 --> 00:17:37.280
you're not an initiator, all that kind of stuff.

306
00:17:37.280 --> 00:17:39.800
And the third way, which is really important

307
00:17:39.800 --> 00:17:44.240
in terms of like a kingdom man, the righteous version

308
00:17:44.240 --> 00:17:46.080
of like where meekness is powerful,

309
00:17:46.080 --> 00:17:48.720
meekness is not weakness, it's power under control.

310
00:17:48.720 --> 00:17:52.960
It's the elevation of both sides in a balance of like

311
00:17:52.960 --> 00:17:56.840
strength and the broad category we call love,

312
00:17:56.840 --> 00:17:58.920
which vulnerability is over in this area.

313
00:17:58.920 --> 00:18:00.360
So specifically, yeah,

314
00:18:00.360 --> 00:18:02.560
we were talking about a very vulnerable moment.

315
00:18:02.560 --> 00:18:04.440
So that's just a point of clarification

316
00:18:04.440 --> 00:18:07.040
is what I'm talking about as far as the two sides.

317
00:18:08.040 --> 00:18:13.040
And, but yeah, it definitely is important

318
00:18:14.800 --> 00:18:17.280
the context in which you're sharing.

319
00:18:17.280 --> 00:18:22.280
In the situation where the woman sees the man crumble

320
00:18:22.800 --> 00:18:26.920
and then leaves, that's obviously a traumatic response

321
00:18:26.920 --> 00:18:29.800
on her part in terms of like, oh my God,

322
00:18:29.800 --> 00:18:33.560
this person I was placing my confidence and my trust in

323
00:18:33.560 --> 00:18:36.400
just crumbled on me and then it frightened her.

324
00:18:36.400 --> 00:18:40.480
And then she makes a very, very impassioned decision

325
00:18:40.480 --> 00:18:42.960
to like be gone, you know?

326
00:18:42.960 --> 00:18:45.600
And of course that's a traumatic response

327
00:18:45.600 --> 00:18:47.800
to that kind of a situation.

328
00:18:47.800 --> 00:18:50.120
That's an unhealthy hearted situation.

329
00:18:50.120 --> 00:18:51.160
I'm not trying to blame her.

330
00:18:51.160 --> 00:18:53.560
I'm just trying to say that, you know,

331
00:18:53.560 --> 00:18:58.280
a woman with a healthy response from the feminine

332
00:18:58.280 --> 00:19:01.920
would look at a man who she is in relationship with

333
00:19:01.920 --> 00:19:06.200
and go, wow, my man, my husband

334
00:19:06.200 --> 00:19:08.040
or whatever the relationship was

335
00:19:08.040 --> 00:19:11.480
is that he's really having a critical moment here.

336
00:19:11.480 --> 00:19:13.440
And then she's like operating some compassion

337
00:19:13.440 --> 00:19:15.160
and some understanding, some love.

338
00:19:15.160 --> 00:19:18.920
And then also appreciates the fact that he's willing

339
00:19:18.920 --> 00:19:22.640
to be vulnerable in front of her, you know?

340
00:19:22.640 --> 00:19:25.880
I was meeting with a guy yesterday

341
00:19:25.880 --> 00:19:28.320
and that was a couple that we're friends with.

342
00:19:28.320 --> 00:19:32.560
He's new, we've known her, my wife and I have known her

343
00:19:32.560 --> 00:19:34.160
for more than 20 years.

344
00:19:34.160 --> 00:19:37.520
And she just recently got married to this guy.

345
00:19:37.520 --> 00:19:39.280
So we just met him a couple of months ago

346
00:19:39.280 --> 00:19:42.600
and we're seeing again for like the third time or whatever.

347
00:19:42.600 --> 00:19:44.560
And just some good friends and he's a really good,

348
00:19:44.560 --> 00:19:48.280
solid guy, but he's had some situations

349
00:19:48.280 --> 00:19:50.480
with his former marriage.

350
00:19:50.480 --> 00:19:52.280
And he's a really like,

351
00:19:52.280 --> 00:19:54.040
like to sit down across the table from him.

352
00:19:54.040 --> 00:19:56.200
He's like a kind of an intimidating dude,

353
00:19:56.200 --> 00:19:57.640
just on his looks, you know?

354
00:19:57.680 --> 00:19:59.480
He's just got to look to him as like,

355
00:19:59.480 --> 00:20:00.680
he's just kind of like.

356
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:03.120
yeah, what's up, you know, like intimidating kind of guy.

357
00:20:03.120 --> 00:20:06.920
But I was able to see his heart yesterday

358
00:20:06.920 --> 00:20:08.520
because they were sharing with us.

359
00:20:08.520 --> 00:20:09.520
And they just said, they were like,

360
00:20:09.520 --> 00:20:11.400
hey, we were having a lot of fun the night before

361
00:20:11.400 --> 00:20:12.240
and all this kind of stuff.

362
00:20:12.240 --> 00:20:13.060
And we were just kind of out,

363
00:20:13.060 --> 00:20:13.900
and then we saw the people,

364
00:20:13.900 --> 00:20:15.380
but hey, just, we want to have lunch with you

365
00:20:15.380 --> 00:20:17.880
because we want to bounce some blended family stuff off

366
00:20:17.880 --> 00:20:18.720
with you.

367
00:20:18.720 --> 00:20:20.120
He's got adult children

368
00:20:20.120 --> 00:20:22.320
and they're not taking well to this new marriage

369
00:20:22.320 --> 00:20:23.160
and this and that.

370
00:20:23.160 --> 00:20:28.160
And so, but I saw some of that exterior

371
00:20:28.600 --> 00:20:31.320
that he's built up sort of like,

372
00:20:31.320 --> 00:20:33.400
and he shed like one tear.

373
00:20:33.400 --> 00:20:37.880
I was like, ah, for a guy like this, that's powerful.

374
00:20:37.880 --> 00:20:39.800
Like I could see where he was like,

375
00:20:39.800 --> 00:20:42.780
this was a moment of vulnerability,

376
00:20:42.780 --> 00:20:44.480
but in a good way because what it showed

377
00:20:44.480 --> 00:20:49.040
was just that one tear showed a wealth of information

378
00:20:49.040 --> 00:20:51.280
based on the story he was sharing with us.

379
00:20:51.280 --> 00:20:54.400
And it was, that was, is that this man is a good man

380
00:20:54.400 --> 00:20:56.240
and he really cares about his kids

381
00:20:56.240 --> 00:20:58.280
and he wants the best for his family.

382
00:20:58.280 --> 00:21:02.080
It's just that he's been so beaten down

383
00:21:02.080 --> 00:21:07.080
by initially in his origin family experience by his mother,

384
00:21:07.240 --> 00:21:09.280
who was very critical and cruel.

385
00:21:09.280 --> 00:21:12.640
And then he was married for, faithfully married

386
00:21:12.640 --> 00:21:17.640
to a woman who was very much the same way.

387
00:21:17.640 --> 00:21:21.440
She was very insecure, very critical, very cruel.

388
00:21:21.440 --> 00:21:24.160
I mean, we could go into details about it,

389
00:21:24.160 --> 00:21:26.880
but it was definitely a really, really,

390
00:21:26.880 --> 00:21:28.760
really hard situation.

391
00:21:28.760 --> 00:21:32.120
And he dealt with it for, I think almost 40 years

392
00:21:33.800 --> 00:21:38.480
that he was married to her and, or maybe 35 years,

393
00:21:38.480 --> 00:21:40.440
but a very long time.

394
00:21:40.440 --> 00:21:45.440
And you could just see that in this new relationship

395
00:21:46.200 --> 00:21:50.920
that he's now having, like he's not used to somebody

396
00:21:50.920 --> 00:21:55.920
literally being kind, being affectionate, being loving,

397
00:21:55.920 --> 00:21:58.760
being open, being understanding,

398
00:21:59.720 --> 00:22:02.840
being okay with him being vulnerable.

399
00:22:02.840 --> 00:22:05.960
So he still had that toughness, but at the same time,

400
00:22:05.960 --> 00:22:07.960
as he's sharing, like, hey, what do I do about this?

401
00:22:07.960 --> 00:22:08.800
What do we do that?

402
00:22:08.800 --> 00:22:10.560
And we were able to kind of like give some good advice

403
00:22:10.560 --> 00:22:15.240
and talk as friends and as people who are, you know,

404
00:22:15.240 --> 00:22:17.960
dealing with, you know, blended family issues.

405
00:22:17.960 --> 00:22:19.600
And so there's some good sharing that went on,

406
00:22:19.600 --> 00:22:24.120
but I could just see his level of like his,

407
00:22:24.120 --> 00:22:26.400
his like for the first time,

408
00:22:26.400 --> 00:22:30.080
maybe like breathing clearly and freely

409
00:22:30.080 --> 00:22:32.760
because he's realizing he's now in a situation

410
00:22:32.760 --> 00:22:37.760
where there's some relief in his love life.

411
00:22:37.880 --> 00:22:39.760
He doesn't have to walk on eggshells.

412
00:22:39.760 --> 00:22:42.520
He doesn't have to overly perform.

413
00:22:42.520 --> 00:22:47.120
He doesn't have to be this like mega strength.

414
00:22:47.120 --> 00:22:49.440
He can let loose a little bit.

415
00:22:50.280 --> 00:22:51.120
He can be vulnerable.

416
00:22:51.120 --> 00:22:52.040
He can be open.

417
00:22:52.040 --> 00:22:55.280
And then he can show his compassion,

418
00:22:55.280 --> 00:22:58.280
his love for his family because he just wants the best.

419
00:22:58.280 --> 00:23:00.000
And, but it's going to take a minute.

420
00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:01.640
It's going to take a minute for this new relation

421
00:23:01.640 --> 00:23:03.640
to settle in and for that blended,

422
00:23:03.640 --> 00:23:05.760
some of those blended issues to work out.

423
00:23:05.760 --> 00:23:09.040
But it was super powerful and super awesome

424
00:23:09.040 --> 00:23:11.240
to see this man going through this.

425
00:23:11.240 --> 00:23:13.600
And I was like, oh, okay, this is who this guy is.

426
00:23:13.600 --> 00:23:16.520
Because the first time I, first couple of times I met him,

427
00:23:16.520 --> 00:23:19.800
it was just very like fun having dinner,

428
00:23:19.800 --> 00:23:21.920
just like laughing, telling stories

429
00:23:21.920 --> 00:23:24.160
and, you know, like getting to know the guy.

430
00:23:24.160 --> 00:23:29.160
But yesterday I was able to really see the man,

431
00:23:29.200 --> 00:23:31.560
you know, and it was really, it was really wild

432
00:23:31.560 --> 00:23:32.600
because I was confused for a minute.

433
00:23:32.600 --> 00:23:34.000
I was like, who is this guy?

434
00:23:34.000 --> 00:23:36.320
Is this guy not good?

435
00:23:36.320 --> 00:23:38.080
Is this guy not well?

436
00:23:38.080 --> 00:23:41.240
Is this guy, you know, does this guy have like something

437
00:23:41.240 --> 00:23:42.800
that I'm not seeing?

438
00:23:42.800 --> 00:23:45.680
And then I saw it through a moment of vulnerability.

439
00:23:45.720 --> 00:23:47.480
And I was like, oh, okay,

440
00:23:47.480 --> 00:23:50.080
this guy actually really is a fabulous,

441
00:23:50.080 --> 00:23:51.920
he's even better than what I thought.

442
00:23:51.920 --> 00:23:53.800
I'm not trying to judge the guy.

443
00:23:53.800 --> 00:23:57.040
I was just trying to like see into him and see like,

444
00:23:57.040 --> 00:23:59.080
hey, how can we help this guy?

445
00:23:59.080 --> 00:24:04.080
And of course he's a new husband to our friend

446
00:24:04.320 --> 00:24:05.520
that we've known for 20 years.

447
00:24:05.520 --> 00:24:07.520
And of course we're like, you know,

448
00:24:07.520 --> 00:24:09.760
the first time it was just like,

449
00:24:09.760 --> 00:24:11.960
she was like, hey, I need you to make my, you know,

450
00:24:11.960 --> 00:24:13.120
this guy I'm dating, you know,

451
00:24:13.120 --> 00:24:15.320
they weren't married when we first met him.

452
00:24:16.280 --> 00:24:17.760
And we're like, okay, we'll come check him out.

453
00:24:17.760 --> 00:24:20.880
You know, so he was like on the, like the three of us,

454
00:24:20.880 --> 00:24:25.080
me, Jackie and our friend, we were like, you know,

455
00:24:25.080 --> 00:24:26.920
giving the grilling him a little bit, you know,

456
00:24:26.920 --> 00:24:28.320
kind of like, okay, well, who are you?

457
00:24:28.320 --> 00:24:29.160
Where are you from?

458
00:24:29.160 --> 00:24:30.760
You know, all this kind of stuff.

459
00:24:30.760 --> 00:24:35.640
And, but it was really cool to have like a sort of like

460
00:24:35.640 --> 00:24:38.320
a full circle moment with him to go, okay,

461
00:24:38.320 --> 00:24:42.240
man, this guy is even more perfect for Gigi

462
00:24:42.240 --> 00:24:44.760
and more like in line, but he's going to get,

463
00:24:44.760 --> 00:24:46.960
there were some righteous redemption moments

464
00:24:46.960 --> 00:24:47.920
in that conversation.

465
00:24:47.920 --> 00:24:51.680
It was really powerful, but it required vulnerability.

466
00:24:51.680 --> 00:24:54.400
It required his level of strength to come down

467
00:24:55.440 --> 00:24:58.520
to meet this level of love that needed to elevate

468
00:24:58.520 --> 00:25:00.120
this vulnerability.

469
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:05.000
this openness, this level of like truth

470
00:25:05.580 --> 00:25:07.180
to come up in that area.

471
00:25:07.180 --> 00:25:09.940
And it was really powerful to see that balance working out.

472
00:25:13.320 --> 00:25:15.660
Who has some other thoughts, questions?

473
00:25:19.000 --> 00:25:24.000
We're talking about the sort of like balancing strength

474
00:25:25.420 --> 00:25:27.980
and love in the masculine,

475
00:25:28.060 --> 00:25:31.800
but we're also talking about like when it's appropriate

476
00:25:31.800 --> 00:25:34.680
and how to share and who to share it with.

477
00:25:36.000 --> 00:25:37.260
Like at the beginning of a relation,

478
00:25:37.260 --> 00:25:38.900
but in the midst of a relationship,

479
00:25:38.900 --> 00:25:40.780
in the relationship at all.

480
00:25:40.780 --> 00:25:42.720
I really do, and I'll say this and I'll let Thomas go

481
00:25:42.720 --> 00:25:45.700
because I know he just popped up my screen.

482
00:25:45.700 --> 00:25:48.740
I thought you had your hand raised or something.

483
00:25:48.740 --> 00:25:51.220
But I will say, I do believe that

484
00:25:51.220 --> 00:25:52.740
in the marriage relationship,

485
00:25:53.620 --> 00:25:56.220
that sometimes there's can be sort of a catch-22

486
00:25:57.100 --> 00:25:59.980
where you both are like, Jackie,

487
00:25:59.980 --> 00:26:02.100
you've probably heard Jackie say this before like this,

488
00:26:02.100 --> 00:26:04.680
where you're both are poking each other's orphan.

489
00:26:05.560 --> 00:26:08.020
So, you know, you're like really like the guy,

490
00:26:08.020 --> 00:26:10.300
you know, it's like, he's doing something

491
00:26:10.300 --> 00:26:12.820
that's really annoying her, poking her orphan.

492
00:26:12.820 --> 00:26:15.340
And then of course her response is doing the same,

493
00:26:15.340 --> 00:26:16.240
poking his orphan.

494
00:26:16.240 --> 00:26:17.300
So they're just going,

495
00:26:17.300 --> 00:26:19.420
they're just in this catch-22 situation.

496
00:26:19.420 --> 00:26:22.340
And it may just be for a certain moment

497
00:26:22.340 --> 00:26:24.580
or a couple of days or a certain season, whatever.

498
00:26:24.580 --> 00:26:28.380
And I do believe in the course of a marriage relationship,

499
00:26:29.780 --> 00:26:31.740
husband and wife have both the opportunity,

500
00:26:31.740 --> 00:26:34.220
but I believe it's incumbent upon as a leader,

501
00:26:34.220 --> 00:26:39.220
as the husband, as a leader, to break the catch-22.

502
00:26:41.140 --> 00:26:44.460
And the way he does that is he goes out

503
00:26:44.460 --> 00:26:46.420
instead of trying to reason,

504
00:26:46.420 --> 00:26:49.900
instead of trying to like come at her

505
00:26:49.900 --> 00:26:54.900
with either some explanation,

506
00:26:55.140 --> 00:26:56.780
which probably is not going to help.

507
00:26:56.780 --> 00:26:58.460
Cause she's like, I don't want to hear your explanation.

508
00:26:58.460 --> 00:26:59.460
I don't want to hear your reasoning.

509
00:26:59.460 --> 00:27:02.340
I don't want to hear your excuses, whatever.

510
00:27:02.340 --> 00:27:06.060
Or try to come up from a position of strength and say,

511
00:27:06.060 --> 00:27:07.660
hey, hey, no, that's not the way it is.

512
00:27:07.660 --> 00:27:08.500
It's going to be this way.

513
00:27:08.500 --> 00:27:13.500
You know, so none of those typically approaches work

514
00:27:13.980 --> 00:27:16.100
in some of these catch-22 situations

515
00:27:16.100 --> 00:27:19.540
where you're in like the cycle of frustrating each other.

516
00:27:20.180 --> 00:27:21.020
And sometimes it requires,

517
00:27:21.020 --> 00:27:23.620
I believe the man has a certain authority

518
00:27:23.620 --> 00:27:26.140
and a leadership ability to be able to step outside

519
00:27:26.140 --> 00:27:28.580
that catch-22 moment

520
00:27:28.580 --> 00:27:31.500
and really capture the heart of the father,

521
00:27:31.500 --> 00:27:36.500
capture, go into his own position of strength in the spirit,

522
00:27:37.060 --> 00:27:39.220
in prayer and in worship,

523
00:27:39.220 --> 00:27:44.220
and maybe even in confiding in good counsel

524
00:27:45.100 --> 00:27:48.620
or confiding in good advice

525
00:27:48.620 --> 00:27:51.100
to where it's like I'm sharing with somebody who I trust

526
00:27:51.100 --> 00:27:54.580
and can help me like level my head

527
00:27:54.580 --> 00:27:57.780
so that I can come back into this relationship

528
00:27:57.780 --> 00:27:59.260
and stop this cycle.

529
00:28:00.260 --> 00:28:01.300
Does that make sense?

530
00:28:02.860 --> 00:28:06.340
You know, and I believe that's a strength

531
00:28:06.340 --> 00:28:11.340
and a role that men, the husband can play in a marriage

532
00:28:11.380 --> 00:28:12.460
to break that cycle.

533
00:28:12.460 --> 00:28:13.580
And if he gets good at it,

534
00:28:13.580 --> 00:28:17.380
he can really break that very quickly and very effectively

535
00:28:17.380 --> 00:28:19.660
and reduce those moments

536
00:28:19.660 --> 00:28:22.940
where you get into this sort of this frustration cycle.

537
00:28:25.220 --> 00:28:27.740
Because men typically don't want to,

538
00:28:29.380 --> 00:28:30.860
they're always after peace.

539
00:28:32.460 --> 00:28:34.260
And so if it's this circle thing

540
00:28:34.260 --> 00:28:36.500
where you're both poking each other's orphan

541
00:28:38.060 --> 00:28:39.340
and there's just no peace,

542
00:28:39.340 --> 00:28:42.580
he's gonna do anything to have the peace,

543
00:28:42.580 --> 00:28:46.260
including just shutting up, closing down,

544
00:28:47.220 --> 00:28:50.940
whatever, babe, you know, whatever you want

545
00:28:52.340 --> 00:28:54.260
and just concede,

546
00:28:56.020 --> 00:28:58.780
which then doesn't really solve the problem

547
00:28:58.780 --> 00:29:01.660
because it doesn't solve his heart issues.

548
00:29:01.660 --> 00:29:03.860
He's not able to express, not able to communicate.

549
00:29:03.860 --> 00:29:06.740
He's not able to like talk about his side.

550
00:29:06.740 --> 00:29:11.700
And then she goes on possibly believing

551
00:29:11.700 --> 00:29:15.940
that maybe she was 100% right.

552
00:29:17.260 --> 00:29:20.260
And now she's building a foundation on something

553
00:29:20.260 --> 00:29:25.140
that maybe isn't completely true or completely righteous.

554
00:29:25.140 --> 00:29:26.700
Does that make any sense?

555
00:29:28.980 --> 00:29:30.140
Yeah.

556
00:29:30.140 --> 00:29:31.740
And so-

557
00:29:31.740 --> 00:29:34.140
David, I was gonna say in the Gottman literature,

558
00:29:34.140 --> 00:29:35.740
I think they call that flooding.

559
00:29:37.060 --> 00:29:38.140
Flooding?

560
00:29:38.140 --> 00:29:38.980
Flooding, yeah.

561
00:29:38.980 --> 00:29:41.860
The woman comes at the man very intensely

562
00:29:41.860 --> 00:29:43.660
and he gets flooded.

563
00:29:44.340 --> 00:29:46.260
He's in fight or flight.

564
00:29:46.260 --> 00:29:48.460
And the last thing you wanna do is fight your wife, right?

565
00:29:48.460 --> 00:29:51.060
So he shuts down.

566
00:29:51.060 --> 00:29:51.900
Yeah.

567
00:29:51.900 --> 00:29:52.980
Yeah.

568
00:29:52.980 --> 00:29:54.180
Yeah.

569
00:29:54.180 --> 00:29:57.580
So a guy who's valuing high love, low strength

570
00:29:58.580 --> 00:30:00.580
is gonna be shut down in that situation.

571
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:03.160
Cause he's like, well, I'm not an abuser.

572
00:30:03.200 --> 00:30:07.200
I'm not some guy is going to lose this crap and go off on my wife.

573
00:30:07.200 --> 00:30:07.880
I'm not going to yell.

574
00:30:07.880 --> 00:30:08.680
I'm not going to scream.

575
00:30:08.680 --> 00:30:10.480
I'm certainly not going to like lay a hand on her.

576
00:30:10.800 --> 00:30:11.960
I'm not going to do any of that.

577
00:30:12.400 --> 00:30:16.480
So I guess I just got to shut up and just take this for now until she calms down.

578
00:30:19.120 --> 00:30:21.240
And how many scenarios have you seen?

579
00:30:21.440 --> 00:30:27.920
You've lived, you felt you've observed you've, you know, in that case.

580
00:30:28.920 --> 00:30:30.160
And that never works.

581
00:30:31.600 --> 00:30:35.480
At some point, you have to have a meaningful conversation.

582
00:30:35.520 --> 00:30:40.560
At some point you need to have like, um, you know, a coming to terms

583
00:30:40.560 --> 00:30:42.120
with like, Hey, what just happened?

584
00:30:43.280 --> 00:30:45.040
You know, this is the way I was feeling that way.

585
00:30:45.040 --> 00:30:46.440
And sometimes it gets so emotional.

586
00:30:46.440 --> 00:30:48.720
You're not able to have that until later, later on.

587
00:30:49.640 --> 00:30:54.720
And I used to use a technique that I learned very early on because when I

588
00:30:54.960 --> 00:31:00.240
came into a relationship with Jackie, um, I'd never been in relationship

589
00:31:00.280 --> 00:31:03.720
with a woman like her, she's just different.

590
00:31:03.880 --> 00:31:04.880
She wasn't like my mom.

591
00:31:04.880 --> 00:31:06.160
She wasn't like my ex-wife.

592
00:31:07.040 --> 00:31:08.520
She wasn't, she's very passionate.

593
00:31:08.520 --> 00:31:12.200
She's very knows exactly what she feels and where she stands.

594
00:31:12.200 --> 00:31:14.360
She's like, she's one of those people that like, you know,

595
00:31:14.360 --> 00:31:15.920
exactly where Jackie stands.

596
00:31:15.960 --> 00:31:16.960
It's not a mystery.

597
00:31:18.360 --> 00:31:19.720
She's either happy.

598
00:31:19.880 --> 00:31:21.880
She's like concerned about something.

599
00:31:21.880 --> 00:31:23.440
She's passionate about something.

600
00:31:23.680 --> 00:31:27.040
She's trying to, she's trying to save the world or, you know what?

601
00:31:27.040 --> 00:31:29.600
She's always, you always know exactly where she stands.

602
00:31:30.760 --> 00:31:34.200
And, um, I was just not used to that because I was just like too much.

603
00:31:34.680 --> 00:31:36.760
I was like, man, calm down.

604
00:31:36.840 --> 00:31:39.240
Like, it's not that big a deal.

605
00:31:39.240 --> 00:31:40.960
Like I might've said the wrong word.

606
00:31:40.960 --> 00:31:41.920
I said the wrong thing.

607
00:31:41.920 --> 00:31:42.840
I did the wrong thing.

608
00:31:42.840 --> 00:31:44.920
I like, I didn't really mean that.

609
00:31:45.520 --> 00:31:47.000
And now I'm now I'm backpedaling.

610
00:31:47.000 --> 00:31:48.360
I'm trying to explain myself.

611
00:31:49.200 --> 00:31:51.640
And that never works because I don't want to hear the excuses.

612
00:31:51.760 --> 00:31:54.080
And so I'm like, oh man, this is not where nothing's working.

613
00:31:55.080 --> 00:31:59.480
And I would do this thing when I would go out and I would say, I called it

614
00:31:59.480 --> 00:32:02.200
yelling in the spirit and it was just praying.

615
00:32:02.680 --> 00:32:06.760
I would go to a place where I was just by myself and I could be as loud as I want

616
00:32:06.760 --> 00:32:07.280
to be.

617
00:32:07.560 --> 00:32:08.640
Sometimes it was outside.

618
00:32:08.640 --> 00:32:10.120
Sometimes it was in another room.

619
00:32:10.120 --> 00:32:12.600
Sometimes it was in the car or whatever.

620
00:32:13.240 --> 00:32:17.640
And I just had the conversation that I needed to have.

621
00:32:17.640 --> 00:32:25.480
But without her, because I needed to be heard, I needed to be said and what I,

622
00:32:25.520 --> 00:32:30.640
what I, the revelation that I got was, is that what I was saying wasn't just me

623
00:32:30.640 --> 00:32:39.960
spouting off, it was me going to the father and saying, you're her father and

624
00:32:40.080 --> 00:32:46.080
I'm going to talk to the father about the daughter, not in a disparaging way, but in

625
00:32:46.080 --> 00:32:47.200
a way that I'm coming by.

626
00:32:47.200 --> 00:32:49.000
Like, I think this is what happened.

627
00:32:49.000 --> 00:32:49.760
This is where I'm at.

628
00:32:49.760 --> 00:32:51.080
This is what I think where she's at.

629
00:32:51.400 --> 00:32:55.880
And I need your help father to speak to your daughter because I need her to

630
00:32:55.880 --> 00:32:58.000
understand this part of it.

631
00:32:59.720 --> 00:33:01.400
I need her to understand where I'm coming from.

632
00:33:01.400 --> 00:33:03.440
I need to understand what I'm coming for.

633
00:33:03.440 --> 00:33:05.360
I need her to understand what I'm coming for.

634
00:33:05.360 --> 00:33:07.200
I need her to understand what I'm coming for.

635
00:33:07.200 --> 00:33:11.440
I need her to understand where my heart is in that, even though I screwed up, I

636
00:33:11.440 --> 00:33:15.080
messed up, I might've said the wrong word, I had made, I did something that

637
00:33:15.080 --> 00:33:17.720
triggered her, didn't mean to, didn't know I did.

638
00:33:19.640 --> 00:33:20.160
Right.

639
00:33:20.400 --> 00:33:24.600
Sometimes I did, sometimes I was operating in my own flesh and my own

640
00:33:24.600 --> 00:33:26.480
trauma and my own insecurities.

641
00:33:27.600 --> 00:33:31.520
And so I was not operating in my best self either.

642
00:33:31.520 --> 00:33:35.920
And miraculously, like supernaturally, this is why I called it yelling in the

643
00:33:35.920 --> 00:33:42.080
spirit, because I learned that I could go to father God outside of the context of

644
00:33:42.080 --> 00:33:44.560
our husband and wife relationship.

645
00:33:45.080 --> 00:33:47.640
And I could break the cycle of the catch 22.

646
00:33:47.640 --> 00:33:51.400
I could break the cycle of the poking of each other's orphans and our own

647
00:33:51.400 --> 00:33:53.360
trauma responses to each other.

648
00:33:54.480 --> 00:34:00.160
And I could have her and I trusted her enough that I could have her.

649
00:34:00.600 --> 00:34:01.440
Her enough.

650
00:34:01.480 --> 00:34:03.120
And this is one of the things that why I married her.

651
00:34:03.120 --> 00:34:07.400
Cause I found out about this very earlier at the end of the day, she always wanted

652
00:34:07.400 --> 00:34:08.560
to please the heart of the father.

653
00:34:11.040 --> 00:34:18.000
I understood that about her and I was such a, such a blessing because regardless

654
00:34:18.000 --> 00:34:23.520
of how crazy it got, I could trust that she could still hear God's voice, speak

655
00:34:23.520 --> 00:34:26.800
to her and go, Hey, my daughter, did you ever think of this?

656
00:34:26.800 --> 00:34:31.159
Did you ever think of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, whatever it is that was

657
00:34:31.159 --> 00:34:37.320
needed to be said, and I didn't have to communicate it, wasn't trying to

658
00:34:37.320 --> 00:34:44.199
abdicate or, or I wasn't trying to get out of communicating, but it just wasn't

659
00:34:44.199 --> 00:34:46.960
working, whatever I was trying to communicate.

660
00:34:48.159 --> 00:34:56.000
And so I believe that's part of, um, um, a resource call it the three.

661
00:34:56.800 --> 00:34:59.400
Cord strand of marriage relationship.

662
00:35:00.640 --> 00:35:03.920
whatever you want to call it, how you spiritualize it, however you want to, but

663
00:35:05.440 --> 00:35:09.440
that's something that became very powerful. Good bit of advice for you,

664
00:35:09.440 --> 00:35:10.800
Paul, you have your hand raised. What do you got?

665
00:35:14.480 --> 00:35:15.520
Um, well,

666
00:35:18.560 --> 00:35:24.320
it's a great topic. Um, I don't have any real advice except for maybe what not to do as I

667
00:35:24.640 --> 00:35:29.840
continue to learn, um, you know, about relationships. Like I grew up with like, um,

668
00:35:31.120 --> 00:35:37.040
it's not natural for me to be vulnerable. It wasn't in my family of origin. It wasn't

669
00:35:37.040 --> 00:35:42.800
modeled to me, but it's something I have worked really hard, uh, in safe spaces like these,

670
00:35:43.520 --> 00:35:49.200
um, to be, I would even say even safer, just like where that's the intention.

671
00:35:49.200 --> 00:35:56.880
We're being intentional to be with other men, be vulnerable and be present. And all these things

672
00:35:56.880 --> 00:36:04.160
help men feel seen, save scenes, um, soothe, safe, secure, you know, all these heart things, right.

673
00:36:04.160 --> 00:36:10.400
Um, it's been, so it came on, my heart woke up, right. And then all of a sudden I go into

674
00:36:10.400 --> 00:36:16.240
these relationships, I'd say healthier, uh, more awake with my heart and wanting this,

675
00:36:17.120 --> 00:36:22.800
um, and, and not completely healed, of course, attachment wounds and things like that. And,

676
00:36:22.800 --> 00:36:29.120
um, but knowing that I want that did not really knowing the timing of how that to answer your

677
00:36:29.120 --> 00:36:34.640
question, like when that comes in the relationship, exactly. Knowing that eventually I want it,

678
00:36:34.640 --> 00:36:40.640
I want early signs at an appropriate place. You know what I mean? And it's been a learning curve

679
00:36:40.720 --> 00:36:46.960
to realize my, I, I have a part that I'm just now realizing. I really believe the best of these

680
00:36:46.960 --> 00:36:51.920
women that there has, I actually been in some relationships where they're not being vulnerable

681
00:36:51.920 --> 00:36:57.280
ever. I was in an almost nine month one and I had to end it because like it w it would have been

682
00:36:57.280 --> 00:37:03.360
just doing fun things together. You know what I mean? Like I want more, I wanted her to show up

683
00:37:03.360 --> 00:37:08.640
and I was showing up and we even joked towards the end that I was the woman in their relationship

684
00:37:08.640 --> 00:37:14.320
and she was the guy, you know what I mean? And it, and it was like, okay, well that's not what

685
00:37:14.320 --> 00:37:19.680
I'm looking for. And so I don't want to be like, Hey, right away on the first phone call or first

686
00:37:19.680 --> 00:37:24.320
date, be vulnerable. You know what I mean? Pour it out your deepest, darkest secret. Cause that's

687
00:37:24.320 --> 00:37:29.840
not appropriate. Um, like I said, the reason that's funny, like you're the guy and I'm the

688
00:37:29.840 --> 00:37:37.840
girl. And I think this because the default, right. Is that women are more vulnerable, emotional,

689
00:37:37.840 --> 00:37:43.760
willing to talk that kind of men are not. And of course you've got this yin and yang thing going on

690
00:37:44.560 --> 00:37:52.240
and you want both people to be in these healthy hearted, um, stages of their life to come together.

691
00:37:53.200 --> 00:37:56.640
And that's not, I mean, that's really what we're attempting to do with last year's single

692
00:37:56.640 --> 00:38:02.480
and this program and this community. We're attempting to give the opportunity for everyone to

693
00:38:03.440 --> 00:38:08.720
come to a healthy, at least a level of healthy heartedness to where they can come

694
00:38:08.720 --> 00:38:16.320
into this kind of marriage minded relationship. And I love how you're saying that.

695
00:38:17.600 --> 00:38:20.880
And, uh, so what, so, uh, where's it at right now?

696
00:38:23.520 --> 00:38:29.680
Well, like I said, I've, I've, I've started to learn earlier on without doing a giant

697
00:38:29.680 --> 00:38:37.280
mistest that's awkward and inappropriate timing wise. Um, like, uh, because a lot of some of the

698
00:38:37.280 --> 00:38:45.600
women were like listening to me as I was being vulnerable, but then they weren't reciprocating.

699
00:38:45.600 --> 00:38:53.440
And, um, so now I just started talking to a woman who's, um, I mean, I, and the other thing is I was

700
00:38:53.840 --> 00:39:00.240
looking back on like, what am I dating profile? Um, bios. I try to put it in there, try to be

701
00:39:00.240 --> 00:39:05.680
intentional. Eventually I want to have a relationship with vulnerability and, you know,

702
00:39:06.240 --> 00:39:11.920
emotional closeness on, you know, something to that effect. And so I just started talking to a

703
00:39:11.920 --> 00:39:18.640
woman who put that in her profile as well. And, um, real early, but so, I mean, I don't know,

704
00:39:18.640 --> 00:39:24.000
it's like, I think talking about it, maybe casting that vision might be a little helpful,

705
00:39:24.000 --> 00:39:29.520
but also recognizing, you know, like boundaries are important and getting to that place at the

706
00:39:29.520 --> 00:39:35.840
appropriate time, little by little, you know, talking about how I got mad at the Taco Bell guy

707
00:39:35.840 --> 00:39:40.480
because he didn't give me enough cheese as a form of vulnerability and then move on to something

708
00:39:41.040 --> 00:39:46.560
truly vulnerable later. You know what I mean? That's good. That's good. No, I mean, I think

709
00:39:46.560 --> 00:39:50.960
what you're bringing up is you may not really be realizing it, but it's timing. And we were just

710
00:39:50.960 --> 00:39:57.680
in Nashville last five days. And we also met one of our former staff people who has come into a

711
00:39:57.680 --> 00:39:59.840
new relationship and.

712
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:03.680
And it was all based on timing in terms of this,

713
00:40:03.680 --> 00:40:06.000
these things like working out, like you're talking about,

714
00:40:06.000 --> 00:40:08.000
like, well, I learned, I was all the way here,

715
00:40:08.000 --> 00:40:09.120
but then I learned this.

716
00:40:09.120 --> 00:40:12.240
And then, so now I'm like balancing that out.

717
00:40:12.240 --> 00:40:13.720
And that timing was important

718
00:40:13.720 --> 00:40:17.360
because even in their testimony, they were like, yeah,

719
00:40:17.360 --> 00:40:21.720
even just a year ago or two years ago had we met.

720
00:40:21.720 --> 00:40:23.400
And she was one of those individuals.

721
00:40:23.400 --> 00:40:27.120
She's well under her fifties and never been married.

722
00:40:27.200 --> 00:40:29.320
So her story was like,

723
00:40:29.320 --> 00:40:31.000
I'm in my fifties and never been married.

724
00:40:31.000 --> 00:40:32.400
Like, when am I going to find the guy?

725
00:40:32.400 --> 00:40:33.480
When am I going to find the guy?

726
00:40:33.480 --> 00:40:35.200
So like, there was all these,

727
00:40:35.200 --> 00:40:37.960
it was like this whole time, like, you know,

728
00:40:37.960 --> 00:40:40.360
like it was getting sad.

729
00:40:40.360 --> 00:40:41.640
She was getting, you know,

730
00:40:41.640 --> 00:40:44.480
she had gone through many, several cycles of like,

731
00:40:44.480 --> 00:40:45.800
oh man, this is never going to happen

732
00:40:45.800 --> 00:40:46.920
or when is this going to happen?

733
00:40:46.920 --> 00:40:48.720
And she's a great lady, but,

734
00:40:49.760 --> 00:40:51.640
and she, you know, she could always kind of rally

735
00:40:51.640 --> 00:40:53.440
and get positive and all that.

736
00:40:53.440 --> 00:40:55.720
And so she'd have several cycles of that,

737
00:40:55.720 --> 00:40:58.440
but it wasn't until the timing of when she met this man

738
00:40:58.440 --> 00:41:00.400
and there's a whole story behind it.

739
00:41:00.400 --> 00:41:02.520
And it just, the timing was very important.

740
00:41:02.520 --> 00:41:07.520
So not to get like hooked on sort of like,

741
00:41:07.920 --> 00:41:10.960
oh, just wait on God because we're not doing the waiting,

742
00:41:10.960 --> 00:41:12.360
but you've been doing the preparing

743
00:41:12.360 --> 00:41:13.600
and the timing is happening.

744
00:41:13.600 --> 00:41:16.760
So to be encouraged, I guess, is what I'm trying to say

745
00:41:16.760 --> 00:41:21.760
is that we just had a story where timing was so important,

746
00:41:21.880 --> 00:41:23.000
you know, in that way,

747
00:41:23.000 --> 00:41:24.960
in that way where it's just like that preparation

748
00:41:25.560 --> 00:41:28.560
and, you know, sharing too much, sharing too little,

749
00:41:28.560 --> 00:41:29.400
whatever it was.

750
00:41:29.400 --> 00:41:32.440
And there was just like, it now kind of a striking.

751
00:41:32.440 --> 00:41:36.440
So it may be a very timing situation for you right now,

752
00:41:36.440 --> 00:41:37.520
which is pretty exciting.

753
00:41:37.520 --> 00:41:40.120
And I'm sharing that to encourage you.

754
00:41:40.120 --> 00:41:41.040
So I love that.

755
00:41:41.040 --> 00:41:42.400
I love hearing what you're saying.

756
00:41:42.400 --> 00:41:43.320
That's encouraging.

757
00:41:43.320 --> 00:41:45.840
And then along those lines also,

758
00:41:45.840 --> 00:41:47.240
this could be a whole nother prompt,

759
00:41:47.240 --> 00:41:49.080
you know, another day or something,

760
00:41:49.080 --> 00:41:51.120
but I've been meditating on like,

761
00:41:51.120 --> 00:41:53.600
do, is there something about me that I'm,

762
00:41:53.600 --> 00:41:57.360
am I inviting myself to be treated in a certain way?

763
00:41:57.360 --> 00:41:59.320
Like maybe some more heart healing needs to happen.

764
00:41:59.320 --> 00:42:03.320
Like, am I inviting myself to be with women?

765
00:42:03.320 --> 00:42:06.400
Or was I, and talking about timing

766
00:42:06.400 --> 00:42:08.360
and my progression as well,

767
00:42:08.360 --> 00:42:12.120
like to breathe with people that would maybe listen,

768
00:42:12.120 --> 00:42:15.080
but wouldn't reciprocate, you know, the vulnerability.

769
00:42:15.080 --> 00:42:19.240
And now, and then as I, I don't know, you know,

770
00:42:19.240 --> 00:42:21.960
but intrinsically or something, am I,

771
00:42:21.960 --> 00:42:26.440
how can I project that I actually want to,

772
00:42:26.440 --> 00:42:28.240
you know, maybe it's just a matter of being ready

773
00:42:28.240 --> 00:42:30.160
and then they can sense that.

774
00:42:30.160 --> 00:42:32.720
And then maybe that would attract the right person

775
00:42:32.720 --> 00:42:34.880
that would actually, because I saw the pattern.

776
00:42:34.880 --> 00:42:38.120
I'm like, oh, I'm attracting women that are more,

777
00:42:38.120 --> 00:42:39.400
are this way.

778
00:42:39.400 --> 00:42:41.280
I don't want that kind of person.

779
00:42:41.280 --> 00:42:44.400
But, and to your point with that, with Jackie,

780
00:42:44.400 --> 00:42:47.320
like when you met her, like these women,

781
00:42:47.320 --> 00:42:51.760
I, they, maybe they felt safe to me internally.

782
00:42:52.560 --> 00:42:55.880
Like deep down inside, because I had like a controlling mom

783
00:42:55.880 --> 00:42:59.480
and a really outspoken sister who was kind of like my mom.

784
00:42:59.480 --> 00:43:02.240
And I was just like, I learned passivity.

785
00:43:02.240 --> 00:43:03.680
I learned like what you were talking about,

786
00:43:03.680 --> 00:43:06.560
how to just buy and get attention that way.

787
00:43:06.560 --> 00:43:11.320
And I don't want that now as a grown man in a relationship.

788
00:43:11.320 --> 00:43:13.120
And so how do I, it's like,

789
00:43:13.120 --> 00:43:17.560
I have to be willing to take a risk to be with somebody

790
00:43:17.560 --> 00:43:20.040
that I don't, I can't figure out,

791
00:43:20.040 --> 00:43:24.920
I might not feel safe because she's different.

792
00:43:24.920 --> 00:43:29.640
I can't, I can't peg her in order to get a different result

793
00:43:29.640 --> 00:43:33.680
of with somebody that maybe would actually work for me.

794
00:43:33.680 --> 00:43:34.520
You know what I mean?

795
00:43:34.520 --> 00:43:36.560
To be compatible with, you know?

796
00:43:36.560 --> 00:43:41.560
So this is, and this is why God is our matchmaker

797
00:43:41.640 --> 00:43:46.640
and Holy Spirit is like, as we are yielding to this process,

798
00:43:47.640 --> 00:43:50.240
we have our part to play.

799
00:43:50.240 --> 00:43:52.240
And this is why Holy Spirit and God

800
00:43:52.240 --> 00:43:53.600
also have their part to play

801
00:43:53.600 --> 00:43:56.640
because they are the ones in that timing.

802
00:43:56.640 --> 00:43:58.520
And as you're preparing,

803
00:43:58.520 --> 00:43:59.880
you're definitely a different person

804
00:43:59.880 --> 00:44:02.160
than you were six months ago, a year ago,

805
00:44:02.160 --> 00:44:05.040
two years ago, five years ago, type of thing in this way.

806
00:44:05.040 --> 00:44:07.440
And so that's obvious.

807
00:44:07.440 --> 00:44:09.520
And so you've been doing your work,

808
00:44:09.520 --> 00:44:12.280
but at the same time, God's also been doing his work,

809
00:44:12.280 --> 00:44:14.600
which is he's the, you know,

810
00:44:14.760 --> 00:44:16.920
Jackie also talks about like, you know,

811
00:44:16.920 --> 00:44:18.960
that person might not have been the one,

812
00:44:18.960 --> 00:44:22.880
but they were, you know, the one on your way to the one,

813
00:44:22.880 --> 00:44:24.120
you know, sort of thing.

814
00:44:24.120 --> 00:44:26.320
So those steps and those things,

815
00:44:26.320 --> 00:44:29.040
that journey that you go through is critical

816
00:44:29.040 --> 00:44:32.760
to the ultimate, you know, being in relationship

817
00:44:32.760 --> 00:44:35.440
with the person that's gonna be your spirit mate.

818
00:44:35.440 --> 00:44:40.200
And that's why it's not about you bringing it out.

819
00:44:40.200 --> 00:44:41.560
You know, I'm not saying you're saying that,

820
00:44:41.560 --> 00:44:43.040
but I'm just saying that that's why it's just like,

821
00:44:43.040 --> 00:44:44.560
you come to a point where like,

822
00:44:44.560 --> 00:44:49.120
I've done all I can do, you know, to this point, you know,

823
00:44:49.120 --> 00:44:51.440
not saying that you're never gonna work on yourself again,

824
00:44:51.440 --> 00:44:52.560
or you're done working, but you're like,

825
00:44:52.560 --> 00:44:55.320
this is more, but I come to a level of like, okay,

826
00:44:55.320 --> 00:44:56.680
this is where I'm at.

827
00:44:56.680 --> 00:44:58.760
And so Lord meet me in this place and he's going to,

828
00:44:58.760 --> 00:44:59.800
and he's going to do that.

829
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:01.800
That's why it's really awesome.

830
00:45:01.800 --> 00:45:04.800
When that hits, you're like, wow.

831
00:45:04.800 --> 00:45:07.880
A lot of things come to the understanding.

832
00:45:07.880 --> 00:45:09.920
A lot of things, the story is dramatic.

833
00:45:09.920 --> 00:45:12.760
And it's like, this is it.

834
00:45:12.760 --> 00:45:16.280
Like, if you ever want a this is it moment,

835
00:45:16.280 --> 00:45:18.920
it turns like, how do you know this is the one?

836
00:45:18.920 --> 00:45:21.240
It's like, you can't explain it.

837
00:45:21.240 --> 00:45:24.520
Because when it happens, the light bulb just goes off.

838
00:45:24.520 --> 00:45:29.880
And you're like, ah, I've come all this way to be right here.

839
00:45:29.880 --> 00:45:32.960
And you don't know it until you're at that right here

840
00:45:32.960 --> 00:45:34.240
moment.

841
00:45:34.240 --> 00:45:37.480
And that can be encouraging and sometimes discouraging

842
00:45:37.480 --> 00:45:39.720
to people, because you're just like, oh, they just

843
00:45:39.720 --> 00:45:41.720
want it so bad right now.

844
00:45:41.720 --> 00:45:47.200
And I'm like, well, maybe it's a patience thing.

845
00:45:47.200 --> 00:45:48.240
Maybe it's a growth thing.

846
00:45:48.240 --> 00:45:49.680
But I don't know what to tell you.

847
00:45:49.680 --> 00:45:52.520
But I'm just saying, it's that moment.

848
00:45:52.520 --> 00:45:56.520
That's what happens when you come to that moment of like,

849
00:45:56.520 --> 00:45:58.200
this is really the one.

850
00:45:58.200 --> 00:46:01.960
I really feel like this is the relationship.

851
00:46:01.960 --> 00:46:04.160
So that's exciting.

852
00:46:04.160 --> 00:46:05.240
You should be encouraged.

853
00:46:05.240 --> 00:46:08.560
And everyone else should be encouraged as well.

854
00:46:08.560 --> 00:46:11.120
Because you all are doing your hard work.

855
00:46:11.120 --> 00:46:12.800
You all are doing your preparation.

856
00:46:12.800 --> 00:46:14.640
You all are doing what you can do

857
00:46:14.640 --> 00:46:18.880
to shift your life in whatever that area is for you.

858
00:46:18.880 --> 00:46:21.280
So I love it.

859
00:46:21.280 --> 00:46:23.480
Who else has something on this tonight?

860
00:46:23.480 --> 00:46:24.080
Hey, David.

861
00:46:24.080 --> 00:46:25.120
Stefan here.

862
00:46:25.120 --> 00:46:27.000
Just a quick comment on that.

863
00:46:27.000 --> 00:46:29.800
I think a lot of it, for me at least,

864
00:46:29.800 --> 00:46:31.560
comes down to attachment style.

865
00:46:31.560 --> 00:46:35.080
So I used to be anxiously attached.

866
00:46:35.080 --> 00:46:39.560
And I've fortunately started to realize that.

867
00:46:39.560 --> 00:46:41.400
And I think I'm way more secure now.

868
00:46:41.400 --> 00:46:44.720
But because of that initially, I did share or over-share,

869
00:46:44.720 --> 00:46:46.520
I think.

870
00:46:46.520 --> 00:46:49.880
But the more you get secure, the less pressure

871
00:46:49.880 --> 00:46:54.920
you put on yourself to share or to pull away if you avoid it.

872
00:46:55.840 --> 00:46:59.040
And I'm currently in a relationship.

873
00:46:59.040 --> 00:47:03.200
And that was one of our conversations

874
00:47:03.200 --> 00:47:08.400
where we shared where we are at in terms of attachment style.

875
00:47:08.400 --> 00:47:10.480
And so we've got an understanding of each other

876
00:47:10.480 --> 00:47:13.480
way better than what we did when we met.

877
00:47:13.480 --> 00:47:18.800
And it really opens up communication and understanding

878
00:47:18.800 --> 00:47:19.720
of each other.

879
00:47:19.720 --> 00:47:23.520
So that's really good for me to understand and realize

880
00:47:23.520 --> 00:47:26.560
and grow in as we go.

881
00:47:26.560 --> 00:47:29.040
And that's different than any other relationship

882
00:47:29.040 --> 00:47:33.120
you've ever had, I suppose?

883
00:47:33.120 --> 00:47:35.920
The fact that I understand where I come from.

884
00:47:35.920 --> 00:47:37.240
Yeah.

885
00:47:37.240 --> 00:47:39.520
Yes, it is very different to anything

886
00:47:39.520 --> 00:47:41.480
I've been involved before.

887
00:47:41.480 --> 00:47:42.400
Yeah.

888
00:47:42.400 --> 00:47:44.520
That's very exciting.

889
00:47:44.520 --> 00:47:46.880
And just on that point, we're looking forward to Simba's

890
00:47:46.880 --> 00:47:50.120
because we want to get involved in that as soon as possible.

891
00:47:50.120 --> 00:47:51.880
I love that.

892
00:47:51.880 --> 00:47:52.480
Awesome.

893
00:47:52.480 --> 00:47:53.800
Thank you for sharing that, man.

894
00:47:53.800 --> 00:47:55.200
That's awesome.

895
00:47:55.200 --> 00:47:56.640
That's a win.

896
00:47:56.640 --> 00:47:57.520
That's powerful.

897
00:47:57.520 --> 00:48:00.160
And that's hitting the goal, man.

898
00:48:00.160 --> 00:48:03.160
That's where we're all headed.

899
00:48:03.160 --> 00:48:03.800
Amen.

900
00:48:03.800 --> 00:48:04.760
That's good.

901
00:48:04.760 --> 00:48:08.280
And I hope you understand, guys, that I've been married now

902
00:48:08.280 --> 00:48:10.480
to Jackie for 18 years.

903
00:48:10.480 --> 00:48:14.960
But there's still some stuff that I'm working on,

904
00:48:14.960 --> 00:48:16.920
we're working on.

905
00:48:16.920 --> 00:48:23.600
And we kind of raided our marriage the other day.

906
00:48:23.600 --> 00:48:25.080
And it was kind of funny.

907
00:48:25.080 --> 00:48:30.360
And like I told you earlier, Jackie

908
00:48:30.360 --> 00:48:33.680
is kind of one of those people that

909
00:48:33.680 --> 00:48:36.200
lets you know where you stand.

910
00:48:36.200 --> 00:48:37.760
And we actually put a number on it.

911
00:48:37.760 --> 00:48:39.960
Now, I don't know whether that's wise or good or not.

912
00:48:39.960 --> 00:48:42.160
Maybe I'm just not there yet.

913
00:48:42.160 --> 00:48:47.440
And we kind of came up with a 7 on a scale of 10

914
00:48:47.440 --> 00:48:51.480
in terms of the quality and the health of our marriage.

915
00:48:51.480 --> 00:48:53.000
And for a lot of different reasons,

916
00:48:53.000 --> 00:48:55.960
I won't go into detail.

917
00:48:55.960 --> 00:48:58.840
And we said where a lot of other people

918
00:48:58.840 --> 00:49:04.160
would be at a 5 or a 4, we're at a 7.

919
00:49:04.280 --> 00:49:11.360
And so it was discouraging because I'm like,

920
00:49:11.360 --> 00:49:16.640
jeez, first of all, I want to be like a 9 or a 10.

921
00:49:16.640 --> 00:49:25.120
Second of all, on top of that, we lead a singles community.

922
00:49:25.120 --> 00:49:28.440
Don't you think we should have the pressure to be a 10 out

923
00:49:28.440 --> 00:49:30.720
of 10 relationship?

924
00:49:30.720 --> 00:49:32.840
Because I mean, what are we going to?

925
00:49:32.840 --> 00:49:35.280
If we tell our community our marriage is a 7,

926
00:49:35.280 --> 00:49:36.280
what hope do they have?

927
00:49:36.280 --> 00:49:39.600
I mean, it's just terrible to think that way.

928
00:49:39.600 --> 00:49:43.840
Because I mean, that's just horrible.

929
00:49:43.840 --> 00:49:49.920
And I'm like, no, I'm OK with that.

930
00:49:49.920 --> 00:49:52.200
So that pressure started to come in like that.

931
00:49:52.200 --> 00:49:55.240
And the other thing was is I also

932
00:49:55.240 --> 00:49:57.240
started to think about, well, a 7 at least

933
00:49:57.240 --> 00:49:59.320
is better than a 5 or a 4 or a 3.

934
00:49:59.320 --> 00:50:01.040
And.

935
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:04.800
And the fact that I felt like, well, I'm really glad my wife

936
00:50:04.800 --> 00:50:08.400
agrees that we're at a 7 instead of a 2, because if it was a 2,

937
00:50:08.400 --> 00:50:10.680
then I'd be in real trouble.

938
00:50:10.680 --> 00:50:15.000
And there would be worse things happening.

939
00:50:15.000 --> 00:50:22.320
And none of those are actually good conclusions

940
00:50:22.320 --> 00:50:23.200
on that rating.

941
00:50:23.200 --> 00:50:26.320
So I don't really know how well that served us.

942
00:50:26.320 --> 00:50:29.580
But at the same time, I'm just being

943
00:50:29.580 --> 00:50:30.920
transparent and honest with you.

944
00:50:30.920 --> 00:50:32.420
There's some things that we're still

945
00:50:32.420 --> 00:50:35.280
working on as people and as individuals

946
00:50:35.280 --> 00:50:39.140
and trying to lean into our strengths.

947
00:50:39.140 --> 00:50:40.800
And there's some things that's shifting.

948
00:50:40.800 --> 00:50:42.880
But God's leading us into new seasons

949
00:50:42.880 --> 00:50:45.720
ourselves in what we're doing.

950
00:50:45.720 --> 00:50:46.920
And we're happy for it.

951
00:50:49.520 --> 00:50:56.120
So we're 18 years in and still trying to get things straight.

952
00:50:56.120 --> 00:50:56.840
Just to tell you.

953
00:50:59.920 --> 00:51:00.800
Any other comments?

954
00:51:00.800 --> 00:51:06.760
Any other questions, concerns, feedback?

955
00:51:06.760 --> 00:51:08.760
Dave, I've got a few questions here.

956
00:51:08.760 --> 00:51:10.200
I've been talking on the sidelines.

957
00:51:10.200 --> 00:51:12.520
You probably noticed there as well, too.

958
00:51:12.520 --> 00:51:16.000
Doesn't matter how good of a resume you write

959
00:51:16.000 --> 00:51:19.960
or profile you write, it doesn't get a lot of results

960
00:51:19.960 --> 00:51:20.880
a lot of times either.

961
00:51:20.880 --> 00:51:23.300
And I'm still wondering if it's because I'm coming along

962
00:51:23.300 --> 00:51:24.520
too strong or whatever.

963
00:51:24.600 --> 00:51:27.200
I'm a very strong person in the first place,

964
00:51:27.200 --> 00:51:29.480
as I've said before in character.

965
00:51:29.480 --> 00:51:32.480
I still struggle with that whole thing.

966
00:51:32.480 --> 00:51:36.440
So I get no results when it comes to apps or anything else.

967
00:51:36.440 --> 00:51:38.200
And the girls that usually get a hold of me

968
00:51:38.200 --> 00:51:40.560
are the ones that are all the ones that know.

969
00:51:40.560 --> 00:51:42.000
Like, you're totally out of shape.

970
00:51:42.000 --> 00:51:44.520
I mean, haven't you read my profile?

971
00:51:44.520 --> 00:51:46.600
I'm looking for somebody who's athletic.

972
00:51:46.600 --> 00:51:49.080
And it's just like, it gets to the point

973
00:51:49.080 --> 00:51:51.000
where you get discouraged when you're just

974
00:51:51.000 --> 00:51:53.560
wondering, is there somebody really out there

975
00:51:54.080 --> 00:51:55.040
that you're going to find?

976
00:51:55.040 --> 00:51:59.000
It's been now three years since I've been looking.

977
00:51:59.000 --> 00:52:01.760
And there can't be a shortage of women,

978
00:52:01.760 --> 00:52:05.400
but I'm just wondering, am I coming across too strong

979
00:52:05.400 --> 00:52:07.120
in the sense of my confidence?

980
00:52:08.160 --> 00:52:10.120
As most of you men know, I have no problems

981
00:52:10.120 --> 00:52:12.660
praying on Saturday and Sunday nights.

982
00:52:12.660 --> 00:52:15.640
And I'm just wondering if I'm just way too confident,

983
00:52:15.640 --> 00:52:19.860
way too forward, or whatever the word might be.

984
00:52:20.860 --> 00:52:23.340
I mean, yeah, it could be because,

985
00:52:25.140 --> 00:52:26.840
so the show of strength,

986
00:52:29.940 --> 00:52:34.340
like, attracts all of the attention,

987
00:52:34.340 --> 00:52:37.820
including the ones that you might not be interested in.

988
00:52:37.820 --> 00:52:42.820
Because my goodness, if a woman could land Kenton

989
00:52:43.220 --> 00:52:45.660
from Edmonton, Canada, you know,

990
00:52:45.660 --> 00:52:48.980
and she's not all what Kenton wants,

991
00:52:48.980 --> 00:52:52.940
but she's getting the, you know, the great package,

992
00:52:52.940 --> 00:52:57.620
a healthy man, wise, secure, financially secure,

993
00:52:57.620 --> 00:53:00.900
all the things, I mean, she's getting all the package,

994
00:53:00.900 --> 00:53:02.420
but then what does Kenton get?

995
00:53:02.420 --> 00:53:05.940
You know, not the reciprocation of, you know,

996
00:53:05.940 --> 00:53:07.700
the kind of relationship you're looking for.

997
00:53:07.700 --> 00:53:10.320
So that show of strength is probably doing that.

998
00:53:12.820 --> 00:53:14.580
And it's possible, I don't know,

999
00:53:14.580 --> 00:53:16.700
some of that show of strength might be driving

1000
00:53:17.020 --> 00:53:21.300
some other people away because they're like,

1001
00:53:21.300 --> 00:53:23.820
maybe they're a strong person and they're like,

1002
00:53:23.820 --> 00:53:27.020
well, we don't need two strong people in this relationship.

1003
00:53:27.020 --> 00:53:29.260
So it's just like, I don't know,

1004
00:53:29.260 --> 00:53:30.540
there might be a little bit of that too.

1005
00:53:30.540 --> 00:53:35.540
So I don't know, some other feedback from some other folks.

1006
00:53:37.220 --> 00:53:39.220
Again, the high value of strength and love

1007
00:53:39.220 --> 00:53:43.740
isn't a criticism, it's a way to go like,

1008
00:53:43.740 --> 00:53:47.140
how can I show like, how can I show a little bit more on,

1009
00:53:47.140 --> 00:53:52.140
like not being loving, not being like, I love people,

1010
00:53:52.300 --> 00:53:56.020
like I have, you know, I'm a follower of Jesus.

1011
00:53:56.020 --> 00:54:00.500
I'm just talking about the whole like sensitivity,

1012
00:54:00.500 --> 00:54:03.180
like how can I be a little bit more of that

1013
00:54:03.180 --> 00:54:04.860
and like balance out that strength a little bit?

1014
00:54:04.860 --> 00:54:07.100
That's, I'm not giving you advice on that,

1015
00:54:07.100 --> 00:54:09.100
I'm just telling you guys, all of you guys,

1016
00:54:09.100 --> 00:54:12.500
like this is how, this is like buoys in the water.

1017
00:54:12.500 --> 00:54:14.900
Like, well, we wanna have a high value of love

1018
00:54:14.900 --> 00:54:17.100
and a high value of strength.

1019
00:54:17.100 --> 00:54:19.580
And so that's kinda like what we're trying to come at this,

1020
00:54:19.580 --> 00:54:22.580
at this, you know, this whole,

1021
00:54:22.580 --> 00:54:24.620
how can I position myself the best,

1022
00:54:24.620 --> 00:54:29.180
as the best man I could be for the wife I'm about to find.

1023
00:54:29.180 --> 00:54:30.020
Yeah, from my perspective-

1024
00:54:30.020 --> 00:54:31.540
Anybody have any feedback?

1025
00:54:31.540 --> 00:54:34.180
From my perspective, yeah,

1026
00:54:34.180 --> 00:54:36.140
it's not a balance between power and love,

1027
00:54:36.140 --> 00:54:40.380
it's a paradox of 100% or infinite ceiling of both.

1028
00:54:40.380 --> 00:54:41.220
Right.

1029
00:54:41.260 --> 00:54:44.820
And that when we as men use our strength

1030
00:54:44.820 --> 00:54:46.020
in inappropriate ways,

1031
00:54:46.020 --> 00:54:48.820
it's because we aren't loving well.

1032
00:54:48.820 --> 00:54:49.660
Yeah.

1033
00:54:49.660 --> 00:54:53.020
And sometimes when our quote, love end quote is off base,

1034
00:54:53.020 --> 00:54:55.100
it's because we haven't developed our strength maybe

1035
00:54:55.100 --> 00:54:58.460
in ways we need to, and I'm sure there are other factors,

1036
00:54:58.460 --> 00:55:00.060
but I feel like God is like.

1037
00:55:00.800 --> 00:55:06.720
infinitely strong and infinitely loving. Yeah. And so, but Kenton, in terms of the apps,

1038
00:55:07.360 --> 00:55:13.920
I want to empathize, you know, that it sucks when that happens. And I feel like,

1039
00:55:15.040 --> 00:55:23.120
as someone who's been on the apps quite a bit, I would say that I would encourage you to

1040
00:55:23.120 --> 00:55:32.480
to both continue to be yourself, which I think it's hard to be willing to be yourself. But then

1041
00:55:32.480 --> 00:55:37.200
also to think through, like, what are the kinds of people who are attractive putting on their

1042
00:55:37.920 --> 00:55:44.320
profiles? Like, I don't I feel like people, people who want to be with someone who's in

1043
00:55:44.320 --> 00:55:49.280
shape, for example, you said you put that on your profile, I feel like that conveys weakness itself.

1044
00:55:50.000 --> 00:55:56.720
Because the people who really are super attractive, don't put that and, and then that's

1045
00:55:56.720 --> 00:56:02.160
they just weed out the people who aren't that. And like, you know, if you look at the most beautiful

1046
00:56:02.160 --> 00:56:09.600
women on the apps, they have like very short, simple, not thought out answers, and they're

1047
00:56:09.600 --> 00:56:14.080
living off their pictures. And and it's like, what do you care about in life? And they're like,

1048
00:56:14.080 --> 00:56:19.280
French fries, you know, and so so I think I think that I'm not saying don't be real,

1049
00:56:19.280 --> 00:56:22.800
because it's important to be real. And it's important to let people see your heart. But I

1050
00:56:22.800 --> 00:56:27.440
would encourage you, you might be driving people away by saying that you're looking for someone fit

1051
00:56:27.440 --> 00:56:32.160
or, like saying that you're looking for some of those things instead of creating kind of like an

1052
00:56:32.160 --> 00:56:37.840
atmosphere where you're kind of presenting yourself as kind of like, hey, I'm super attractive. And

1053
00:56:37.840 --> 00:56:44.800
then you can weed through kind of the, the many people that kind of sign up to want to have the

1054
00:56:44.800 --> 00:56:49.280
opportunity to communicate with you. I don't know if that makes any sense at all. But that's

1055
00:56:49.280 --> 00:56:52.560
something I've been trying to learn, as I've been kind of on the apps.

1056
00:56:54.400 --> 00:56:58.720
I hear what you're saying Tom, it's actually nice to hear from the ladies on the LYS ladies to find

1057
00:56:58.720 --> 00:57:03.520
out how they approach things like that as too. I think that would be such an asset to us and we

1058
00:57:03.520 --> 00:57:08.240
could hear from the ladies. Because you know, you know, I'm not going to stop being who I am. I

1059
00:57:08.240 --> 00:57:13.440
never out being a priest being being a pastor. I know who I am in Christ. And that brings such a

1060
00:57:13.440 --> 00:57:21.280
strength into into the relationship. And I love I mean, I can listen all day as a counselor to

1061
00:57:21.280 --> 00:57:26.880
these women and listen to their situations, empathize, understand, I use all the tools,

1062
00:57:26.880 --> 00:57:29.200
but it just doesn't seem nothing seems to work for me.

1063
00:57:29.280 --> 00:57:34.480
Well, that's not what you want to know right now. You're not on there to get into a counseling

1064
00:57:34.480 --> 00:57:38.800
relationship. I think and I think that's that brings up a really good point. Because let me

1065
00:57:38.800 --> 00:57:44.960
put it in this terms. I'm totally agreeing with you, Thomas. Thank you for that. Because that's

1066
00:57:44.960 --> 00:57:52.800
I you're helping me understand this a little bit better. You might be coming across too fatherly.

1067
00:57:53.120 --> 00:58:00.800
Like I'm like, I'm a father figure like I'm strength, a father, you want a father to be

1068
00:58:00.800 --> 00:58:08.160
strong. You think of the ideal father is being very strong, like knowing all the answers can

1069
00:58:08.160 --> 00:58:15.520
come to you as financial strength can provide like has it all, you know, and it might be like

1070
00:58:15.520 --> 00:58:19.600
you might be attracting a lot of people that want to be in relationship to you because

1071
00:58:19.680 --> 00:58:25.680
they're wanting that strength of a father and they're attracted as well. So you're drawing like

1072
00:58:25.680 --> 00:58:31.280
a lot of attention instead of the specific attention that you're looking for. So it's

1073
00:58:31.280 --> 00:58:37.600
almost like niching down a little bit to like, if you're finding yourself in sort of like,

1074
00:58:37.600 --> 00:58:42.800
I'm helpful and counseling and sort of like giving advice sort of situation. This is like,

1075
00:58:42.800 --> 00:58:48.000
that's not what I want at all. Because, you know, I don't want to be a father. I don't want to be

1076
00:58:48.000 --> 00:58:54.720
one at all. Cause no woman wants to be married to their counselor, to their advice giver.

1077
00:58:58.240 --> 00:59:03.840
It's just that I've used those skills. Sure. Sure. Of course. Listen to be a part of,

1078
00:59:03.840 --> 00:59:10.080
to empathize. I've got my life personally that I can empathize with broken hearted people.

1079
00:59:10.080 --> 00:59:14.160
And that's the other part. I see the ones that I am attracting are the broken people.

1080
00:59:14.880 --> 00:59:22.400
Yeah. I feel like the women on the apps say they want someone who can help them laugh.

1081
00:59:23.360 --> 00:59:26.400
Do you, do you convey a sense of fun through your profile?

1082
00:59:26.960 --> 00:59:32.160
Yeah, totally. Yeah. I'm just, I kid around with them. I, I tease them.

1083
00:59:32.720 --> 00:59:35.360
What way, but on your profile, not on your profile.

1084
00:59:37.040 --> 00:59:42.640
How do you, that's a good question. Can you define that or bring it down to a little bit

1085
00:59:42.640 --> 00:59:51.280
better thought there? What are you trying to say? Well, I think that different women are looking

1086
00:59:51.280 --> 00:59:55.440
for different things, but if you're wanting to hit lots of numbers on the apps, it seems like

1087
00:59:57.600 --> 00:59:59.920
joking around is probably going.

1088
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:04.440
going to be maybe some kind of important, you know, like,

1089
01:00:04.440 --> 01:00:06.840
like this joke now is kind of spread,

1090
01:00:06.840 --> 01:00:08.760
but I used to say like, when it said like,

1091
01:00:08.760 --> 01:00:10.000
when do you feel your hottest?

1092
01:00:10.000 --> 01:00:12.680
I would put like in the sauna, you know,

1093
01:00:12.680 --> 01:00:14.360
or like just, you know, something,

1094
01:00:14.360 --> 01:00:16.400
something like kind of like ridiculous.

1095
01:00:16.400 --> 01:00:19.200
You have to be witty for that, and I'm just not that way.

1096
01:00:19.200 --> 01:00:20.200
And I wasn't either.

1097
01:00:20.200 --> 01:00:24.320
I got a book from Amazon called Flirting 101.

1098
01:00:24.320 --> 01:00:25.240
That's good.

1099
01:00:25.240 --> 01:00:28.320
Send it to me, brother, send it to me.

1100
01:00:28.360 --> 01:00:32.200
Because, because it's hard to learn how to

1101
01:00:33.200 --> 01:00:35.720
help someone enjoy themselves,

1102
01:00:35.720 --> 01:00:40.120
because I also come from a super serious background

1103
01:00:40.120 --> 01:00:43.320
that is not healthy or appropriate for dating.

1104
01:00:43.320 --> 01:00:47.560
Like, like it's not appropriate for me to try to

1105
01:00:47.560 --> 01:00:50.200
be there for someone's deepest life issues

1106
01:00:50.200 --> 01:00:52.800
before we even got on a first date or on our first date

1107
01:00:52.800 --> 01:00:56.160
or three months into, you know, a relationship probably.

1108
01:00:56.160 --> 01:00:59.480
So, so I, I, I would say it's,

1109
01:00:59.480 --> 01:01:01.880
these are learnable skills, emotional intelligence.

1110
01:01:01.880 --> 01:01:03.800
According to, there's a book, is it, is it,

1111
01:01:03.800 --> 01:01:05.800
is it Travis Bradbury?

1112
01:01:05.800 --> 01:01:07.760
He just came out with another new book.

1113
01:01:07.760 --> 01:01:10.600
His four sectors of emotional intelligence

1114
01:01:10.600 --> 01:01:13.440
are self-awareness, self-management,

1115
01:01:13.440 --> 01:01:16.120
awareness of others' emotions,

1116
01:01:16.120 --> 01:01:21.000
and management of relationship with others.

1117
01:01:21.000 --> 01:01:23.040
And I think on the dating apps, I would imagine,

1118
01:01:23.040 --> 01:01:25.880
especially kind of like quadrants three and four

1119
01:01:26.600 --> 01:01:27.440
might be helpful.

1120
01:01:27.440 --> 01:01:30.160
And there are books specifically about how to learn

1121
01:01:30.160 --> 01:01:33.520
how to be fun around other people.

1122
01:01:33.520 --> 01:01:35.440
Yeah, write down the title and the name of the book

1123
01:01:35.440 --> 01:01:36.280
you got there.

1124
01:01:36.280 --> 01:01:37.120
I'd appreciate it.

1125
01:01:37.120 --> 01:01:37.960
I haven't read it in years,

1126
01:01:37.960 --> 01:01:40.000
but I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll find the one that I got.

1127
01:01:40.000 --> 01:01:42.960
And, and I'm sure there are better ones by now, but.

1128
01:01:42.960 --> 01:01:43.800
Oh, very good.

1129
01:01:46.000 --> 01:01:48.600
Yeah, it could be, it could be, you might be

1130
01:01:48.600 --> 01:01:50.760
the problem solver man.

1131
01:01:50.760 --> 01:01:53.440
Like women want to be attracted to a man

1132
01:01:53.440 --> 01:01:56.720
who's got the confidence to be able to like,

1133
01:01:56.720 --> 01:02:00.120
know what, know what to do, when to do it type thing.

1134
01:02:00.120 --> 01:02:02.960
But then when they're bringing their like,

1135
01:02:02.960 --> 01:02:05.920
in relationship, when they're bringing their,

1136
01:02:05.920 --> 01:02:10.920
their situation to you and they just want to be heard,

1137
01:02:10.920 --> 01:02:13.520
they don't want the problem solving guy.

1138
01:02:13.520 --> 01:02:15.840
They just want to be heard in relationship

1139
01:02:15.840 --> 01:02:17.800
because it's emotional and they just need to,

1140
01:02:17.800 --> 01:02:20.000
you know, get it out sort of thing.

1141
01:02:20.000 --> 01:02:23.600
That's like a different era in the relationship,

1142
01:02:23.600 --> 01:02:27.000
but you might be actually too good on the front end

1143
01:02:27.000 --> 01:02:29.040
of getting to know somebody

1144
01:02:29.040 --> 01:02:30.960
in terms of that problem solving.

1145
01:02:30.960 --> 01:02:33.360
So it's like too much of a confidence,

1146
01:02:33.360 --> 01:02:36.520
too much of a, an advice giver.

1147
01:02:36.520 --> 01:02:39.920
In other words, yeah, I think that's like witty,

1148
01:02:39.920 --> 01:02:42.840
like play a little dumb, play a little like, you know,

1149
01:02:42.840 --> 01:02:47.840
like I know that's offensive because you're like,

1150
01:02:48.400 --> 01:02:49.600
I'm not dumb.

1151
01:02:49.600 --> 01:02:51.880
I'm not going to be dumb for nobody.

1152
01:02:51.880 --> 01:02:53.440
You know, it's just like, well,

1153
01:02:53.440 --> 01:02:55.000
you want to back that off a little bit.

1154
01:02:55.000 --> 01:02:57.640
You might catch some fish with that.

1155
01:02:57.640 --> 01:02:58.760
I don't know.

1156
01:02:58.760 --> 01:03:00.040
I like the witty thing.

1157
01:03:00.040 --> 01:03:01.440
I like the joke book thing.

1158
01:03:01.440 --> 01:03:02.280
I think it's great.

1159
01:03:02.280 --> 01:03:04.320
Thomas, you were perfectly designed

1160
01:03:04.320 --> 01:03:07.280
for answering this question tonight and I love it.

1161
01:03:07.280 --> 01:03:09.200
Well, and maybe it's not about dumbing it down.

1162
01:03:09.200 --> 01:03:10.880
Maybe it's about lightening it up.

1163
01:03:10.880 --> 01:03:14.440
Start it out a little bit light, a little bit funny.

1164
01:03:15.440 --> 01:03:20.440
On Hinge, I almost always, you can match with a comment.

1165
01:03:21.560 --> 01:03:23.840
Yeah, that's what I've been doing.

1166
01:03:23.840 --> 01:03:26.200
Once I do get one back and I got one back,

1167
01:03:26.200 --> 01:03:27.640
I have to say I got one.

1168
01:03:27.640 --> 01:03:29.080
And it was just that, it was just,

1169
01:03:29.080 --> 01:03:31.480
it was more listening than it was advice.

1170
01:03:31.480 --> 01:03:32.840
No, I don't give advice.

1171
01:03:32.840 --> 01:03:34.560
I've learned that one long time ago from my wife.

1172
01:03:34.560 --> 01:03:36.320
No, they don't want advice.

1173
01:03:36.320 --> 01:03:38.040
They just want to be helpful.

1174
01:03:38.040 --> 01:03:42.440
But when, but if you're like, oh, I see,

1175
01:03:42.440 --> 01:03:46.040
that lets them continue instead of responding

1176
01:03:46.040 --> 01:03:48.160
with something of yourself.

1177
01:03:48.160 --> 01:03:50.600
And it becomes listening instead of a conversation.

1178
01:03:50.600 --> 01:03:52.160
Yeah, no, you just empathize with them

1179
01:03:52.160 --> 01:03:54.640
and just say, you know, I'm sorry that's happening with you.

1180
01:03:54.640 --> 01:03:56.120
That's not the dance.

1181
01:03:56.120 --> 01:03:56.960
No, it's just-

1182
01:03:56.960 --> 01:03:58.640
You're gonna wind up with your back against the wall.

1183
01:03:58.640 --> 01:04:00.160
They just keep coming here.

1184
01:04:00.160 --> 01:04:01.480
That's right.

1185
01:04:01.480 --> 01:04:04.960
It's the, Kenton, it's the male version of being coy.

1186
01:04:04.960 --> 01:04:07.240
You know, like when a woman is trying to be like,

1187
01:04:07.240 --> 01:04:09.880
you're like, oh, you know, you know, whatever.

1188
01:04:09.920 --> 01:04:13.080
Putting on airs a little bit to like, you know,

1189
01:04:13.080 --> 01:04:17.920
be like, like less than and sort of like be shy

1190
01:04:17.920 --> 01:04:21.000
and whatever, like it can be alluring in the feminine.

1191
01:04:21.000 --> 01:04:23.560
So what is the version of that for the masculine

1192
01:04:23.560 --> 01:04:26.280
in terms of like not coming across too much?

1193
01:04:27.240 --> 01:04:31.040
There might be a little bit of exploring you could do

1194
01:04:31.040 --> 01:04:33.600
in that, like, how can I be a little bit more like,

1195
01:04:34.760 --> 01:04:37.480
you know, coy with my approach to women?

1196
01:04:37.520 --> 01:04:38.360
I mean, is there anything wrong-

1197
01:04:38.360 --> 01:04:40.160
It's kind of gonna be attracting to someone

1198
01:04:40.160 --> 01:04:44.320
who is gonna be like, okay, I see this guy.

1199
01:04:44.320 --> 01:04:45.240
He can be funny.

1200
01:04:45.240 --> 01:04:47.000
He's got the answers.

1201
01:04:49.880 --> 01:04:51.120
It's worth looking into.

1202
01:04:51.120 --> 01:04:51.960
All right, it's good.

1203
01:04:51.960 --> 01:04:52.800
Thanks, gentlemen.

1204
01:04:54.640 --> 01:04:56.520
Daniel, I think you are good at that.

1205
01:04:57.840 --> 01:04:59.680
Lightening things up as appropriate.

1206
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:03.120
Oh, yeah, thanks. Yeah, I definitely try to match. I try

1207
01:05:03.120 --> 01:05:09.240
to match with a joke. So I have a whole I have a whole album

1208
01:05:09.240 --> 01:05:12.200
screenshots on my phone. I'm going to I'm thinking about

1209
01:05:12.200 --> 01:05:16.680
starting an Instagram account called failed pickup lines. So

1210
01:05:16.920 --> 01:05:18.560
yeah, we'll see. We'll see.

1211
01:05:19.840 --> 01:05:20.080
Hey,

1212
01:05:20.920 --> 01:05:25.000
Kenton, to your point, I mean, the response rate is abysmal. It

1213
01:05:25.000 --> 01:05:29.960
is. It's just generally hard. It is hard for men to get matches.

1214
01:05:30.160 --> 01:05:34.840
Um, and so what I've witnessed is men get really discouraged.

1215
01:05:35.080 --> 01:05:38.560
It's super easy for women to get matches, they get hundreds of

1216
01:05:38.560 --> 01:05:41.760
them. And so women, women get overwhelmed, and they don't know

1217
01:05:41.760 --> 01:05:45.560
how to sort the, the high quality men from the low

1218
01:05:45.560 --> 01:05:49.360
quality men. It's, it's not a perfect system for either

1219
01:05:49.960 --> 01:05:50.480
gender.

1220
01:05:51.280 --> 01:05:58.320
And this is in perspective, too, because the the the women are

1221
01:05:58.320 --> 01:06:01.920
constantly, not only just in last year single, but we run

1222
01:06:01.920 --> 01:06:05.760
into I mean, we ran into some people in Nashville, because we

1223
01:06:05.760 --> 01:06:08.080
were just coming out of church. And there were two ladies that

1224
01:06:08.480 --> 01:06:11.720
stopped us and recognize Jackie and are not part of the program

1225
01:06:11.720 --> 01:06:13.960
at all, but had read her books and heard about her and like,

1226
01:06:14.000 --> 01:06:16.760
Oh, you're Jackie Dorman, then that like that kind of stuff

1227
01:06:16.760 --> 01:06:21.640
happens. But so it's like in and out of the community is what

1228
01:06:21.640 --> 01:06:25.600
I'm trying to say. Where they're like, their main question is all

1229
01:06:25.600 --> 01:06:30.960
the time is like, where are all the men? And I'm like, I talked

1230
01:06:30.960 --> 01:06:34.880
to a set of like 20 to 30 of them every Monday night. I mean,

1231
01:06:34.880 --> 01:06:39.160
like, I know where some men are. But like, it's funny, because

1232
01:06:39.160 --> 01:06:43.400
you guys are saying this. And then an overwhelming majority of

1233
01:06:43.400 --> 01:06:46.560
a lot of women are like, where are all the men? Where are the

1234
01:06:46.560 --> 01:06:50.600
good guys? And I'm like, what the heck is going on here? You

1235
01:06:50.600 --> 01:06:53.480
know, I'm trying to feel like why can't this like, why can't

1236
01:06:53.480 --> 01:06:57.280
there be these matches? I don't I don't understand. So there's a

1237
01:06:57.280 --> 01:07:02.600
conundrum here. And I don't know where it kind of lies. But this

1238
01:07:02.600 --> 01:07:05.200
is what we're endeavoring to to figure out.

1239
01:07:05.640 --> 01:07:10.080
I think the church teaches men to be way too serious. True. And

1240
01:07:10.120 --> 01:07:15.480
non Christian men are way better at willing to just engage and

1241
01:07:15.480 --> 01:07:19.080
not have to go to like chapter six on the first page.

1242
01:07:19.240 --> 01:07:21.240
Yep. That's a truth.

1243
01:07:21.760 --> 01:07:25.240
I think that's true. You know, I think there's this thing. There's

1244
01:07:25.240 --> 01:07:29.640
been times when I've, I don't know how to describe it. It just

1245
01:07:29.680 --> 01:07:33.240
I've enjoyed, I felt like I could open up more or I can have

1246
01:07:33.240 --> 01:07:36.560
more fun with women who were less serious about their

1247
01:07:36.560 --> 01:07:41.360
Christianity kind of thing. And that's not what I want. I want

1248
01:07:41.360 --> 01:07:45.320
someone who loves God like I do and work but I don't want to

1249
01:07:45.320 --> 01:07:48.640
read the book of Ecclesiastes on the first date. You know what I

1250
01:07:48.640 --> 01:07:55.440
mean? It's like I want to I don't Yeah, anyway, I just I I

1251
01:07:55.440 --> 01:07:56.680
second that Thomas is

1252
01:07:56.720 --> 01:07:59.880
I'll tell you and I'll tell you this, and this is a really huge

1253
01:07:59.880 --> 01:08:04.840
stereotype. But for the female, they're trying to get the

1254
01:08:04.840 --> 01:08:09.520
security of a godly man. And then on the male side, what

1255
01:08:09.520 --> 01:08:12.680
Thomas said about the church being basically training men to

1256
01:08:12.680 --> 01:08:18.279
be not in they're not in their best strength. And those two

1257
01:08:18.279 --> 01:08:22.120
things when you have a man not in their best strength, and then

1258
01:08:22.120 --> 01:08:26.000
you have a woman acting out of her insecurities, because she

1259
01:08:26.000 --> 01:08:29.160
just wants something solid. She wants something, you know,

1260
01:08:29.279 --> 01:08:33.760
secure. That's going to be a terrible and you're right, we

1261
01:08:33.760 --> 01:08:37.479
have a whole society of just that people trying to like meet

1262
01:08:37.479 --> 01:08:39.680
each other on this level. So

1263
01:08:40.200 --> 01:08:42.840
I've been spitting my opinions out all over the place. Can I

1264
01:08:42.840 --> 01:08:46.319
say just one more thing, though, that I feel like Henry Henry

1265
01:08:46.319 --> 01:08:51.120
cloud. In his book, I think how to get a date worth keeping,

1266
01:08:51.160 --> 01:08:54.040
which I'd also really, really highly recommend, even though

1267
01:08:54.040 --> 01:08:57.720
it's old now. He says that, like, it's important for

1268
01:08:57.760 --> 01:09:00.560
relationships to grow kind of in four ways kind of at the same

1269
01:09:00.560 --> 01:09:04.880
time, like emotionally, intellectually, like physically,

1270
01:09:04.880 --> 01:09:11.800
and I forget the fourth one, but, but he would say that it's

1271
01:09:11.840 --> 01:09:15.279
very common for different kinds of people to have one of those

1272
01:09:15.279 --> 01:09:19.920
spike. And that for some people, it's physical, and it's

1273
01:09:19.920 --> 01:09:22.960
very easy for them to develop a lot of physical intimacy early

1274
01:09:22.960 --> 01:09:27.200
on ahead of the other kinds. And for some people, it's easier to

1275
01:09:27.240 --> 01:09:30.560
build way too much emotional intimacy, kind of on the front

1276
01:09:30.560 --> 01:09:32.920
end before there's kind of like the intellectual or the kind of

1277
01:09:32.920 --> 01:09:36.600
the, you know, whatever else. And so he would say, like, if

1278
01:09:36.600 --> 01:09:39.760
you're experiencing too much intimacy too soon in one area,

1279
01:09:39.840 --> 01:09:42.479
maybe dial it back so that you can help all of them kind of

1280
01:09:42.479 --> 01:09:46.399
grow, like together, which was really surprising to me, but I

1281
01:09:46.399 --> 01:09:50.040
found it surprisingly helpful. Also, like if someone is like,

1282
01:09:50.200 --> 01:09:54.279
really kind of diving deep to be kind of like, wow, we don't have

1283
01:09:54.279 --> 01:09:58.960
kind of the the foundation for that at this point, we could, if

1284
01:09:58.960 --> 01:10:00.000
we, you know, want

1285
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:01.920
into, but we don't yet.

1286
01:10:03.200 --> 01:10:03.600
That's good.

1287
01:10:03.600 --> 01:10:04.320
I don't know if that makes sense.

1288
01:10:04.960 --> 01:10:05.720
That's really good.

1289
01:10:05.880 --> 01:10:06.040
Yeah.

1290
01:10:06.040 --> 01:10:07.160
Steven put it in the chat there.

1291
01:10:07.160 --> 01:10:10.040
Pies, physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual.

1292
01:10:10.640 --> 01:10:12.080
Yes, that was spiritual.

1293
01:10:12.440 --> 01:10:13.520
That's a real good stuff.

1294
01:10:14.920 --> 01:10:15.600
I love that.

1295
01:10:17.080 --> 01:10:20.360
Well guys, um, thanks for your input.

1296
01:10:20.360 --> 01:10:22.200
Thanks for your, your questions.

1297
01:10:22.200 --> 01:10:23.480
Thanks for your vulnerability.

1298
01:10:23.520 --> 01:10:25.120
Thanks for your feedback.

1299
01:10:25.760 --> 01:10:26.880
It's all good stuff.

1300
01:10:27.440 --> 01:10:35.600
Um, I love y'all and, um, we're past our time here and, uh, just want

1301
01:10:35.600 --> 01:10:38.160
to pray great things for you.

1302
01:10:38.200 --> 01:10:38.920
Bless you.

1303
01:10:39.000 --> 01:10:42.960
I think timing is a huge thing for a lot of you right now, especially

1304
01:10:42.960 --> 01:10:45.920
in that you've been journeying through this for quite some time.

1305
01:10:46.240 --> 01:10:47.840
And I think it's about to really hit.

1306
01:10:47.880 --> 01:10:50.000
I think there's just a timing thing right now.

1307
01:10:50.000 --> 01:10:52.400
And so I don't want to be that preacher.

1308
01:10:52.400 --> 01:10:53.840
Like, oh, your miracle's coming.

1309
01:10:53.840 --> 01:10:54.360
It's coming.

1310
01:10:54.360 --> 01:10:56.680
And I don't want to be that, but I'm just saying it's

1311
01:10:56.680 --> 01:10:59.680
timing is there definitely is a factor.

1312
01:11:00.280 --> 01:11:02.400
Um, with the Lord for that, for sure.

1313
01:11:02.440 --> 01:11:03.560
And along the journey.

1314
01:11:03.560 --> 01:11:05.200
So I think it's a timing issue here.

1315
01:11:05.200 --> 01:11:07.720
So I bless you in that, um, pray for us.

1316
01:11:08.160 --> 01:11:10.320
We'll be traveling a lot the next couple of months.

1317
01:11:10.720 --> 01:11:16.440
Um, so, um, and doing a lot of business, doing a lot of like this, this next

1318
01:11:16.440 --> 01:11:23.280
weekend, we actually have to go, um, see our, our twin, uh, niece and nephew

1319
01:11:23.280 --> 01:11:26.280
graduate from high school and we're honoring them and doing that.

1320
01:11:26.960 --> 01:11:31.280
Um, just traveling down to Florida, just, just to go there, to see them graduate.

1321
01:11:31.960 --> 01:11:40.600
And, uh, then we're taking the, the girl, Nia niece, and, uh, she's

1322
01:11:40.600 --> 01:11:44.520
going to go on a road trip because that's kind of like her senior, senior gifts.

1323
01:11:44.520 --> 01:11:50.040
So we're really taking some time and some family ways, um, to, to try to,

1324
01:11:50.040 --> 01:11:51.680
to try to do that, taking time out.

1325
01:11:52.160 --> 01:11:52.600
Do that.

1326
01:11:52.600 --> 01:11:54.760
And then we've got a lot of other stuff that we're doing as well.

1327
01:11:54.800 --> 01:11:58.960
So I appreciate your prayers, covet your prayers and your thoughts in that way.

1328
01:11:59.520 --> 01:12:04.040
And, um, so bless you guys pray health and wealth over all of you.

1329
01:12:04.720 --> 01:12:07.280
And, uh, in Jesus name, amen.

1330
01:12:09.200 --> 01:12:09.880
See y'all later.

1331
01:12:10.480 --> 01:12:10.920
Thank you.