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Hey there. Hey. I love your hair. It's the bouffant look. I love it. It's like, this

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is the way I wear it most of the time. And then in the summer, because we have a pool

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and I'm always swimming, I will wear it curly just because it's getting wet and I'm sweating

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and all that. But I got it done the other day for the first time in five months and

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I have no more roots. I know. There's just, I know. There's just nothing that makes a

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woman just feel so good. Like, yeah, getting your hair done or going to the nail salon

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or something. Just like, ah, I feel like a woman again. Oh, I know it. Like I was counting

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down the days I was, you know, it's funny. I got my hair done literally the day before

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everything shut down for COVID. My mom did too. Not knowing that that's what was going

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to happen. I did it like three days before COVID, not knowing it was going to happen.

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Yeah, exactly. Me too. Like, I remember so many of my friends were traveling at the time

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that COVID hit because it was Canada's March break at the time. Yeah, us too. Yeah. Oh,

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was it? Okay. So yeah, everyone like, they're like, you got to get back to your country.

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It's crazy. Last, last summer we traveled all over. I was all over last summer. We went

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to three countries in Europe. We went to, um, went to Wisconsin cause I have a good

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friend there. I went to Texas for four days with some friends and my husband. And then

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we went to, um, oh my gosh, a few other places. I can't even remember. And then this summer

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we had nothing, nothing planned at all, which was perfect because we would have had to cancel

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it all. I know, I know. I may not have gotten your money back and all of that. So we're

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just new. He's like, no, we're just going to stay home this summer. Yep. Absolutely.

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Yeah. So, so thank you for your, um, your polo. I did watch it like kind of a little

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bit last night and the rest today. So it was very good. And yeah, I, I always appreciate

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them and I, yeah, no, I, I always appreciate them. So thank you. You're welcome. How are

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you doing? I'm doing good. Doing good. I'm at my parents' house right now. Um, I don't

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know if you saw the, the trouble I was having with my, um, uh, live yesterday. So my phone

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kept dying and so it kept cutting off the live. Um, and uh, anyway, so, um, I, uh, finally

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got the teaching done in two sessions and I haven't decided, Oh, is someone there? Oh,

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okay. I thought, I didn't know if maybe your little girl was there and she,

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um, but, um, uh, I, um, I wasn't, I'm not sure. I'm probably going to redo it just because I feel

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like, well, it was fine and I could just leave it. I feel that, um, it, it probably, um,

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I don't know until I get feedback if it's, if it came across a bit, uh, disjointed to people.

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And so I figured, well, I bet you I could say it a lot more succinctly. So I might,

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I might just redo it. But anyway, so I had to do a couple of different lives and, um,

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and I was here and then today I'm going to, um, and my point is saying that is I mentioned in

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there, you know, that I had gone to Louisiana for a week, Little Rock for a week. And then

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now back here in DFW here at my parents' house until today, tonight, I'm going to go to my

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friend's house. She and I are going to go to a conference, a healing conference for three days.

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And then, um, I'm going to come back here to my parents' house most likely before I head out.

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And I believe I'm heading to Houston after this. Um, I think I'm heading to Houston next week

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and then we'll see where I go from there. I've got some ideas that plans that are ruminating.

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So anyway, but yeah, I'm doing really good. Um, and, uh, just, just doing everything and rest,

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including business. And the Lord told me, you know, invited me to travel with them and meaning

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that in with hit on the word come or in the word come is everything that I need to be fully

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sustained. And so if I have a business while I'm doing it, um, while I'm traveling, um,

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and there are things that he wants to teach me because really this journey is to grow in intimacy

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with the Lord. Um, and, uh, that is what I asked for something new every year, um, from the Lord,

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um, at my birthday. And that's kind of how I see my years. I, I, I measure them from like,

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measure them, view them from like birthday to birthday. And I was born in May at the end of

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May. So from May to May is what I consider like a, a year. So to speak, like when I'm

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back. And, and so this year I asked the Lord that I would, that I would grow in intimacy

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with him, um, where, where, um, we just can talk more intimately, more, um, even more

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like friends, more like lovers that I just go to him, you know, in ways that maybe my

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heart is still too afraid to go to him and not used to doing all of that. So then he

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invited me on this trip. And so I know that that's what he's, um, fostering and developing

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in it because just really, truly relying on the Lord as I, as I travel around. And, um,

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so I know that he's fostering, uh, and deepening my relationship with him in it. And then while

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I am listening to what, how it is that he wants me to, um, operate my business, meaning

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like what activities and, uh, I hope, and just desiring to bring the presence of the

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Lord to whoever it is that I, whoever it is that I meet and encounter on, on the travels.

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Um, so anyway, that's what I'm doing. That's how, that's how I'm doing.

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That's awesome. Yeah. I love that. And I watched a little bit of your live. Um, I found it

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interesting. You're, you're sharing. I always find it interesting when you share, because

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I think I've told you this before, but you know, the way you look, the way you present

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yourself now, you know, my experience of you now, I wouldn't have thought you had experienced

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a lot of the stuff you talk about because you seem to, you know, you seem very loving,

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very willing and able to connect with people. You seem like you've kind of got a lot figured

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out as far as your relationship with the Lord, like in that vertical relationship. And like,

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I feel like you use that and you spread it in a horizontal way, sort of, I mean, putting

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pictures to it. Um, so when you share about friendships, it surprises me because I would

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have thought, you know, you would have had lots of friends and you would have been like,

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it would have been, you would have had a group of friends that you were friends with for

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like 30 years and you're all still friends and you were friends since kindergarten. And,

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and it's so interesting to me, you know, when we look at somebody, when we experienced somebody

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now, and I get this a lot, but it, it, it still surprises me with certain people. When

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I look at them and think, wow, I did not realize that that person had experienced so much because

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the way they present themselves at this point in their life, it's like, wow, they've got so

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much figured out. And anyway, so I don't know if you get that a lot from people, but what's

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interesting about it is that you, if you didn't express those things, my, um, view of you would

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be, um, it wouldn't be as like three dimensional as it is at this point. I feel like when I first

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started getting to know you, um, again, like you were very sweet. You were very easy to talk to.

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I enjoyed getting your messages and responding and our conversations and all that. And then

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you showed me how to like do video. And I was like, oh my gosh. And I did my first live in my

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group yesterday, which was huge. So you introduced me to more video and I'm, I'm a video girl,

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but not a live video girl. Like I act, I sing, but I live videos. I like to know my lines and

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know my words. So I thought, you know what, I'm just going to go for it. So anyway, I liked our

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conversations and everything. And I feel like the more I get to know you, the more I like you,

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the more I see the depth of who you are and the fact that you're teaching this from a place of

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understanding and empathy and having experienced kind of the opposite of where you are now. And

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you know, so when people come into your life, you understand their experiences and what they've been

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through and that kind of thing. So I feel like it's a lot easier for me to share with you now,

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because at first I thought, oh, she's got it all figured out. I felt like I was the one who had

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all this stuff in my past that I thought, well, man, I don't know if I can relate to this girl.

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I don't know how much she's really experienced.

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But yeah, I am what it looks like when God has restored, redeemed, and resurrected a life.

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It looks this, and I'm not trying to talk about, you know, I'm not trying to say in that, that,

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oh, I look, I look perfect and I like this. And I'm not trying to say that. I'm trying to say

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that the fact that people can.

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tell when they look at me or when they interact with me that they can't detect

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what I hope that you're saying and what I believe that you're saying is that you

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can't detect any any bitterness that we associate with someone who has gone

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through that has gone through such negativity that has gone through such

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heartache that's gone through such pain it's gone through such attack and and

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that's what it looks like when you know in other words being able to look at

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somebody and and and not have any inkling of an idea that they have been

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through what they've been through because we're because the Lord has

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redeemed and restored them as if it had never happened is that they had never

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experienced any of those things and as opposed to well you know all of those

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things we can use those and those things can become part of us and they can

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whatever and just like look gag you want that you know we want it to be fully

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restored as back to the way that God created us where it's as if those things

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never happened and you know the Lord talks about he said I will make your

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sins and though they be a scarlet I will make them as white as snow well the

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interesting thing about scarlet is which you're very familiar with and being in

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Canada is obviously scarlet is the color of the mounting red coats and that is

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one of the that I think that that is the most from my experience and from what I

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understand from from painting and color and all of that that is literally the

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hardest color to get and which is why it was one of the one of the colors of

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like royalty etc is is a beautiful dip deep rich scarlet because of the amount

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of dye and time that is required in order to soak into a fabric where it's

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just enough where it it it turns it into that color without them bleeding onto

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everything else that might come in contact with it in other words it's so

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except into every single fiber of it meaning that you literally can't get it

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out like not even figuratively it's literally impossible so that God talks

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about the fact they said that your skins bit sins be a scarlet I will make them

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as white as not white as snow the only way to do it because you can't it can't

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be you can't take it out the only way to do it is to can just completely reverse

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and meaning that you're it's completely undyed it's as if it had never ever been

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dyed and that's literally impossible in our world for that to happen but he says

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you know I'll make your senses though they'd be a scarlet as white as snow and

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same thing you know with the experiences that we go through that he wants us to

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know and and and receive from him that he wants to completely restore us as if

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it had never happened that there would no longer remain any evidence of it as

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in evidence is in a negative evidence there is such a thing as obviously the

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fact that when Jesus when Jesus resurrected that his body still bore

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the scars but that is not seen as a negative thing because of course the

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Lord would not tell us that he could restore us completely back to back to

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who it is that we were before without any negative effects and still Jesus

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resurrected with scars so apparently it's just not a negativity kind of like

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what do you call it up Jacob when Jacob wrestled with the Lord and then the

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angel touched his hip and he walks for a lot with a limp ever after that and it's

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not it's not seen as the negative thing like this like this I don't know like

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this punishment that he had to continue to bear so anyway my point is just is

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just that God desires to completely fully restore us in the fact that we now

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look as if it had never happened that we bear no evidence and no negative or ill

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effects of what it is that we went through and we're just we're just

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stronger and anyway so and he just fully promises that hopefully restore

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so it's an encouragement to get to hear you say that because man for a while I

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was just I was in such pain such bitterness that people didn't like being

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around me I didn't like being around me and like you so how are you in

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friendships now are you pretty open to friendship or are you more are you still

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a little closed off no you're open

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Yeah, I have, there are certain relationships, yeah, that I'm still working through how to

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be open, but generally speaking, yes, I'm very, very open, but it's kind of like rest

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in the fact that I'm learning how to do it in greater and greater measures.

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Same thing with relationships.

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I think that I'm very, very open and that I run into an issue, I run into a trigger,

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something that reminds me of, you know, this old record of this old belief that I have

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in me that apparently I still believing and it's still, you know, haven't trusted and

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believe the Lord that I am who he says that I am kind of a thing.

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So it's still run into that.

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So, so it's not that, so just talking in general, how you're referring to the quest, the question

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that you're referring to, yes, very open to friendships, very open relationships where

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I just, I just meet new people and I don't have an agenda.

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I don't sit there and think, well, I wonder, and I don't remember if I mentioned this in

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the live or not, but well, you know, I'm, I'm seeing this new person at church and well,

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I don't know, are they the kind of person that I can see myself wanting to be friends

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with for 10 years or not?

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Because I'm only interested in people that looks like I'll get along with, like, no,

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if they're another human being, I'm going to meet him and I might, we might get a lunch

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and just, just to get to know them because there's no agenda.

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I'm not like trying to establish something long-term.

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I'm trying to interact with another human being.

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I'm trying to just pour, bring heaven into earth by my interaction with them, that they

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might be exposed more to the Lord and that me by learning who it is that they are and

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seeing them in the spirit, which you're very familiar with doing, you know, with people,

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then I get to see a different facet of, of my God.

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I get to see him in a way that I'd never seen him before because he expresses himself differently

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and very uniquely in that other person.

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And by not having an agenda and just meeting people and, and just enjoying people because

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of who it is that they are, whether or not they believe that they are who God says that

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they are.

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I know they truly are that person.

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And I desire to get to know somebody that the Lord says in the spirit, I'm one with.

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And anyway, just enjoy him because I'm now, I'm now free to enjoy other people because

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I no longer hold them obligated to meet any need of mine.

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So it's very freeing.

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I don't feel, I don't have to feel threatened.

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I don't have to feel afraid of, or they can accept me or reject me or anything like that.

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It's, it's really, really nice.

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So yeah, when before I used to apply a lot of strategies to getting to know other people

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because I found it very challenging.

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I felt that there was, and I used to talk about this to my mom and, and other, and other

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people that were listening to my pain and my struggles.

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I'm like, I do not understand it.

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Why does there seem to be like this secret formula that everybody else knows about how

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to interact with others and make friends?

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And I'm a very nice person and I'm very loving to other people.

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I'm very kind.

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I'm not mean.

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Why on earth do people not want to be friends with me?

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And I just didn't understand it.

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And it felt like there was this, this super secret magic sauce that everybody else had

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discovered.

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And that no matter how hard I tried, that that was the problem I was, I was trying and

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it was hard and it was hard work.

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I couldn't figure it out.

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And so once I shifted into rest, everything just became, became effortless.

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I had to choose what it says that I was.

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And then every, and then it became very easy to, to have friends and to make friends.

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It's no longer this it's no longer this game with, with rules that I'm trying to figure

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out.

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So were you, were you kind of like codependent and needy with friends, like kind of hoping

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they would meet a certain need inside you or you didn't feel maybe enough love for yourself.

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So if they felt a certain way about you, you felt better about yourself or you put their

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needs before yours.

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Oh yeah.

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Yeah.

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I felt that I wasn't worth anything and that everybody else was worth more than I was.

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So that my lot in life was to, to help everybody else get and be what they wanted and what

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they needed and that I didn't matter.

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But I was always really hoping that, that I would, that the new relationship that I

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was going to start with this person would be, would give me something that would make

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me feel better about myself, make me feel like someone valued me for more than what

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it is that I could provide them.

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But because that was the energy that I was emitting, the, in other words, the belief

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that I was emitting about myself, that I was attracting those people that wanted to use

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me to make themselves feel better, or they would be attracted to me because they saw

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who it was that I really was in the spirit, but because I didn't believe that that's who

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I was.

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not who I would present to them. And they eventually found me to be very tiring to be around.

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And then they would eventually pull away. So just because they just found me to be exhausting.

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So anyway. Yeah, it's so interesting. You've, you've obviously, the Lord has obviously worked

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on that a lot with you, which is amazing. And, you know, it's interesting because most of my

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clients that I work with are in a similar place to where you used to be, you know, in that space.

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So I get it. And I've been there too. So most of the stuff that you, friendships for me,

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for the most part, have been pretty, God's blessed me in that area. But there have been many areas in

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my life that I like, I don't know if I told you that when I, when I was 12, I was suicidal.

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And when I was 16, I tried to commit suicide. So when I was really young, I hated myself and I,

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God has worked on me with like the depression and the suicidal thoughts and a whole slew of things.

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And so he's healed me of a ton, which is amazing. And like I said, even the past three years or so

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has been an opportunity for him to heal me even more to the point, like, you know,

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I think he sometimes uses, I forget where the verse is, but the comfort, he comforts us with

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the comfort that he wants us to use to comfort others. And we can use our experiences, I think,

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to help others, to comfort them. And so, you know, a lot of times people talk to me about things,

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and I think sometimes people don't think that I'm going to understand what they've gone through.

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And I'm like, nope, I get it. Like, and I make sure, because I have been told several times

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by different people in my life that, you know, you've got to be a little more vulnerable about

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your experiences, because I would kind of know what to say, but I wouldn't share enough of my

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own story for them to go, oh, I can connect to her. So I started sharing more. So now when I'm

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on calls with clients or when I'm going to do more lives, I'll share more about myself, because I

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think people don't always know when they look at somebody, all of the experiences they've had.

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And I think, you know, I can touch on them, but I don't need to stay there. Whereas before I would,

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you know, ruminate in them, I would be sitting in the bottom of a well, and I didn't know how to

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get out. But now I'm out of the well, so I can still look in and go, oh yeah, that's where I

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used to be, but I'm not there anymore. So, but yeah, that's interesting. And yeah, you shared

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that story about the narcissist that was stalking you. That is insane. And the gun thing, oh my gosh,

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I get it, because that is, it's scary. Yeah, yeah, it is. I know it was, it was,

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yeah, it was, it was interesting. But you know, it was such that, you know, narcissist, and that's

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how the word taught me about narcissist was through this person, because I didn't understand what a

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narcissist was. I kept hearing the term, but I'd always forget what it meant. And suddenly I don't,

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I don't know, what is a narcissist? And then suddenly a friend of mine kept posting things

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about a narcissist that they were dealing, that they were trying to recover from, from their past.

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And I was like, what on earth is that? So I Googled it again. I'm like, and then I started

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hearing how she would describe things. So she was posting articles and stuff like that. So I started

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reading it. I thought, wait a minute, that sounds very familiar because I was having problems with

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this person, but I couldn't figure them out because it was like, I knew I finally figured

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out, okay, I can't trust them, but I didn't know for a long time that I couldn't trust them. I kept

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going like, I don't trust them, but everybody else is that I should trust them. And that I should

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give them a chance. And they were telling me that they could, that I should trust them. And they,

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they always act perfect and kind. And all of it is that I'm hearing that's negative is always

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hearsay from someone else. And, and I'm just like, Ashley, you know, you can't take other

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people's word for that. And you've got to take people's own word for it. Anyway, it was just,

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you know, just, you know, how, how, how narcissists are and how they can just paint

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themselves as like this perfect person and that, and they can get you to, they just figure out who

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it is that they're around and what it is that those, that, that those other people think highly

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of. And, and then they can, they can be like a chameleon and form into that. In fact, I even had

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them tell me at one point when they basically told me they, they all but proposed and they had a

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conversation. They want to have a conversation with me. They all, and by this time I had rejected

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them multiple times. And then they were having one last conversation with me, so to speak. And

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they, they all but proposed. And one of the things that it was just driving him crazy.

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And I remember him sitting across the table from me.

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saying, Ashley, what do you want?

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In other words, what do I want from somebody

284
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that I'm interested in?

285
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And in my mind, I'm going, that's the problem, dude.

286
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You keep conforming to what it is that you think that I want

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and I know that about you and I have no respect for that.

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And I don't mean like I just had no respect

289
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or no value of this person.

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I didn't mean that.

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I just kind of like, as a woman for a man,

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I'm like, I have no respect for someone

293
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who's trying to figure out, well, what does she want

294
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and I'll become that.

295
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Because I could tell that that's what he was doing.

296
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And of course, by that time, I had a label for it,

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of narcissism and I had been able to pull away.

298
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But anyway, until that time though,

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it was very, very confusing.

300
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It was this, it was, and it gets to the point

301
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where they always get you to doubt yourself.

302
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Now, they never, they knew how to play it.

303
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They knew how to not blame me

304
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because they knew that I wouldn't take that,

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but they would blame everybody else.

306
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And that was telling me things,

307
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negative things about him to me.

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And they would blame everybody else except he and I

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and saying, you know what, Ashley,

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we just need to leave them to their drama.

311
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I'm perfectly fine.

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You know, he said, everything it is

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that you've been believing about me

314
00:26:17.920 --> 00:26:19.600
that has turned you against me and all of that.

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He said, that is not your fault.

316
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It, you know, he knew how to do it.

317
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He knew how to play all of that.

318
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And to get me to trust him.

319
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So the other people, you know, his family

320
00:26:33.840 --> 00:26:35.760
and other people in my life,

321
00:26:35.760 --> 00:26:39.480
they didn't recognize it for what it was.

322
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So I felt that I was, and here was the ultimate problem.

323
00:26:42.880 --> 00:26:46.760
The ultimate problem wasn't the fact that he scared me.

324
00:26:46.760 --> 00:26:48.200
He didn't scare me.

325
00:26:48.200 --> 00:26:52.080
Oh, it did get to the point where he was so obsessed with me

326
00:26:52.080 --> 00:26:57.080
that his, and the only reason I'm telling you all of this

327
00:26:58.120 --> 00:27:03.120
is because I know that you're, that you have a history

328
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and an experience.

329
00:27:04.280 --> 00:27:05.240
And I just wanted you to know,

330
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and I can understand from the way that you describe things

331
00:27:08.920 --> 00:27:10.840
that it's very extreme.

332
00:27:10.840 --> 00:27:13.040
So I just was giving you some highlights

333
00:27:13.040 --> 00:27:15.640
because you told me, you know, that when I share my story,

334
00:27:15.640 --> 00:27:18.960
that it's helpful to know, you know,

335
00:27:18.960 --> 00:27:19.960
my personal experience.

336
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So you know that if you ever feel comfortable

337
00:27:21.800 --> 00:27:23.360
sharing anything with me,

338
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to what depth that you believe that I actually can relate

339
00:27:26.480 --> 00:27:29.680
and I can understand just by experience.

340
00:27:30.800 --> 00:27:34.240
But anyway, he'd been in the military

341
00:27:34.240 --> 00:27:36.400
and his friends, he'd been in the military.

342
00:27:36.400 --> 00:27:38.440
I'd never met them at the time,

343
00:27:38.440 --> 00:27:43.440
but they told a mutual friend, mutual friends of ours.

344
00:27:44.360 --> 00:27:45.680
Hey, look, we're gonna go talk,

345
00:27:45.680 --> 00:27:47.320
we're gonna talk to him tonight.

346
00:27:47.320 --> 00:27:50.080
He's obsessed with Ashley and it is very unhealthy.

347
00:27:50.080 --> 00:27:51.080
It's unhealthy for her,

348
00:27:51.080 --> 00:27:52.720
especially because she keeps rejecting him

349
00:27:52.720 --> 00:27:54.240
and he won't accept it.

350
00:27:54.240 --> 00:27:56.600
And having worked with him in the military,

351
00:27:56.600 --> 00:27:58.720
we know what he's capable of.

352
00:27:58.720 --> 00:28:00.720
And so we're gonna talk to him tonight.

353
00:28:00.720 --> 00:28:03.200
We're very concerned about how he's gonna react.

354
00:28:03.200 --> 00:28:04.440
And we believe that he's good,

355
00:28:04.440 --> 00:28:06.720
that the first thing he's gonna do is to come after Ashley

356
00:28:06.720 --> 00:28:08.360
to make sure he doesn't lose her.

357
00:28:08.360 --> 00:28:11.080
So see, he and I weren't dating or anything,

358
00:28:11.080 --> 00:28:13.040
but he kept wanting to, is the point.

359
00:28:13.040 --> 00:28:18.040
So anyway, so they told me through mutual friends,

360
00:28:18.160 --> 00:28:20.720
you tell Ashley, and these are his guy friends,

361
00:28:20.720 --> 00:28:24.800
these are his guy buddies that he was in Afghanistan with,

362
00:28:24.800 --> 00:28:26.200
in the middle of warfare.

363
00:28:26.200 --> 00:28:27.800
They said, you tell Ashley,

364
00:28:27.800 --> 00:28:29.120
we're gonna talk to him tonight

365
00:28:29.120 --> 00:28:32.600
and to not go anywhere by herself for 48 hours.

366
00:28:32.600 --> 00:28:35.280
Do not ever be by herself for 48 hours.

367
00:28:35.280 --> 00:28:37.320
And I'm going, what?

368
00:28:38.240 --> 00:28:40.640
I mean, these are guys that have seen each other

369
00:28:40.960 --> 00:28:45.600
and they're the ones who truly know each other.

370
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So that terrified me.

371
00:28:47.360 --> 00:28:49.840
So anyway, I started raising alarm bells.

372
00:28:49.840 --> 00:28:52.040
I'm asking for someone to help me.

373
00:28:52.040 --> 00:28:53.920
I'm asking for someone to help protect me

374
00:28:53.920 --> 00:28:54.760
where I'm not alone,

375
00:28:54.760 --> 00:28:56.880
where I know that I have support and all of that.

376
00:28:56.880 --> 00:28:59.480
And I felt that I really didn't have the support

377
00:28:59.480 --> 00:29:01.520
because people were confused.

378
00:29:01.520 --> 00:29:03.200
They didn't know what to believe.

379
00:29:03.200 --> 00:29:08.200
And at the end of it, they didn't really believe him.

380
00:29:08.200 --> 00:29:12.560
And they thought that I had just listened to drama queens.

381
00:29:12.560 --> 00:29:15.000
He had taken everything out of proportion, et cetera.

382
00:29:15.000 --> 00:29:16.840
So that's what ultimately,

383
00:29:16.840 --> 00:29:20.000
my point is that that ultimately what scared me

384
00:29:20.000 --> 00:29:22.240
about the whole situation, it wasn't him.

385
00:29:23.160 --> 00:29:26.600
I wasn't actually, besides that one night

386
00:29:26.600 --> 00:29:28.280
and that 48 hours of being told,

387
00:29:28.280 --> 00:29:30.800
hey, look, you know, by his army buddies

388
00:29:30.800 --> 00:29:32.440
that, hey, you should be very, very afraid.

389
00:29:32.440 --> 00:29:33.680
We know this guy and you should be very afraid.

390
00:29:33.680 --> 00:29:36.080
So besides that, and this was, my goodness,

391
00:29:36.120 --> 00:29:40.480
this was several years ago, six years.

392
00:29:40.480 --> 00:29:42.000
This was probably six years ago.

393
00:29:42.000 --> 00:29:42.840
I hadn't realized it was that long ago.

394
00:29:42.840 --> 00:29:44.640
It was about six years ago.

395
00:29:44.640 --> 00:29:46.000
In fact, it was, I remember,

396
00:29:46.000 --> 00:29:47.600
I remember how old my niece was at the time.

397
00:29:47.600 --> 00:29:50.360
So six years ago is when all of this happened.

398
00:29:50.360 --> 00:29:54.520
And so besides that, I wasn't afraid of him.

399
00:29:55.440 --> 00:29:57.040
I didn't feel necessarily threatened.

400
00:29:57.040 --> 00:29:59.240
What I realized later,

401
00:29:59.240 --> 00:30:00.080
and I realized

402
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:04.920
this. And when I took the gun with me, and that, and then

403
00:30:04.920 --> 00:30:07.800
finally, when people realized I was taking a gun with me where I

404
00:30:07.800 --> 00:30:12.120
was going, just in case he found me, all of a sudden, everyone

405
00:30:12.120 --> 00:30:14.320
else started taking me seriously. But because before it

406
00:30:14.320 --> 00:30:16.880
was just words that I was telling them, Hey, look, I'm

407
00:30:16.880 --> 00:30:19.800
afraid. Look, I'm worried about this. Look, I'm telling you,

408
00:30:19.800 --> 00:30:22.120
this is who he is. And as I was actually, he's not ever

409
00:30:22.120 --> 00:30:25.880
presenting himself like that to us. And we would know, and I'm

410
00:30:25.880 --> 00:30:30.840
like, no, seriously. So it wasn't until I took a gun with

411
00:30:30.840 --> 00:30:35.440
me, that they realized how much fear that I was in. And all of

412
00:30:35.440 --> 00:30:39.280
a sudden, everyone took action. And they went and they rallied

413
00:30:39.280 --> 00:30:45.920
the troops and his family and his family started. How would

414
00:30:45.920 --> 00:30:52.560
you put it, taking the his harassment of me seriously. And

415
00:30:52.720 --> 00:30:55.120
as opposed to just Oh, well, he likes her and whatever. No, no,

416
00:30:55.120 --> 00:30:57.840
they started taking it as harassment. Because that's the

417
00:30:57.840 --> 00:31:00.080
word I started using was like, No, you've got to understand

418
00:31:00.080 --> 00:31:02.720
this is it. And so they're like, you know, you're right. That's

419
00:31:02.720 --> 00:31:05.240
what these actions look like. So anyway, I was grateful for that.

420
00:31:05.240 --> 00:31:09.520
So when finally everyone started accepting the fact that, that I

421
00:31:09.520 --> 00:31:15.760
really was afraid. And that and and started and I started

422
00:31:15.760 --> 00:31:18.680
telling them things that I hadn't fully relayed to them.

423
00:31:19.120 --> 00:31:24.440
What all he had been doing. Finally, they, they started, I

424
00:31:24.440 --> 00:31:27.680
started feeling like I had support. And I noticed as soon

425
00:31:27.680 --> 00:31:32.400
as I felt like I had support, I was fine. So I realized then

426
00:31:32.600 --> 00:31:38.960
that I he wasn't who I was afraid of. It was the fact that

427
00:31:38.960 --> 00:31:42.640
I felt I was alone and no one and that if I should need

428
00:31:42.640 --> 00:31:45.720
anything, that I couldn't, I didn't have any means of

429
00:31:45.720 --> 00:31:48.680
support. And I wasn't being believed and I wasn't being

430
00:31:48.680 --> 00:31:53.320
protected and provided for. That's really what my fear was.

431
00:31:53.360 --> 00:31:58.160
So it's just it's evidence is a physical picture of the fact

432
00:31:58.160 --> 00:32:00.840
that it's not the thing that we're afraid of. It's the fact

433
00:32:00.840 --> 00:32:05.600
that we believe that God is not protecting and providing for us

434
00:32:05.600 --> 00:32:09.240
that we're in a place of life. That's really our fear. It's not

435
00:32:09.240 --> 00:32:13.040
the thing itself. Anyway, so that was the way that it all

436
00:32:13.040 --> 00:32:17.160
played out in my life. But anyway, oh, yeah, and it was

437
00:32:17.160 --> 00:32:22.360
just it was it was got worse and worse and worse. It got to the

438
00:32:22.360 --> 00:32:24.840
point where he broke up with his girlfriend and he used me

439
00:32:24.840 --> 00:32:28.600
as the excuse and she and I were friends at the time. Oh, it was

440
00:32:28.600 --> 00:32:31.280
just it was awful. It was just awful.

441
00:32:33.600 --> 00:32:37.800
They are they are really interesting people.

442
00:32:37.840 --> 00:32:38.760
They are.

443
00:32:39.360 --> 00:32:43.680
That's why I was kind of asking you about about them because I

444
00:32:43.680 --> 00:32:46.400
wanted to understand more about God and I liked what you said

445
00:32:46.400 --> 00:32:49.720
about manipulation. You said when somebody turns you against

446
00:32:49.720 --> 00:32:54.160
yourself and how it's witchcraft and I was like, oh my gosh, that

447
00:32:54.160 --> 00:33:03.440
is exactly it's exactly what happened to me. I am so so three

448
00:33:03.440 --> 00:33:09.480
years ago, four years ago. I guess it was about four years

449
00:33:09.480 --> 00:33:15.760
ago now four and a half. Um, I had had my daughter and I had

450
00:33:15.760 --> 00:33:21.080
really bad postpartum anxiety and I was struggling a lot just

451
00:33:21.080 --> 00:33:27.560
in life just with a whole bunch of things and a friend of mine

452
00:33:27.600 --> 00:33:31.000
who was my vocal instructor actually wonderful beautiful

453
00:33:31.000 --> 00:33:36.600
girl. She not a Christian. I was a strong Christian. I thought I

454
00:33:36.600 --> 00:33:40.280
had you know, I had all the things that you would think

455
00:33:40.400 --> 00:33:44.600
someone would need to have but but I there was still something

456
00:33:44.600 --> 00:33:50.440
missing. So I went to a vocal lesson and my my friend Julia was

457
00:33:50.440 --> 00:33:53.040
telling me all about this company she was involved in this

458
00:33:53.040 --> 00:33:56.800
personal development company. And I'm like, Oh, this is sounds

459
00:33:56.800 --> 00:34:01.320
good. So I told my husband about it and he had heard of the

460
00:34:01.320 --> 00:34:04.800
company before he actually had a book by the previous owner of

461
00:34:04.800 --> 00:34:09.080
the company. And I was like, Oh, that's interesting. So I said,

462
00:34:09.080 --> 00:34:11.320
well, they're coming for a weekend seminar and Julia and

463
00:34:11.320 --> 00:34:13.800
her husband have already gone through the whole program, but

464
00:34:13.800 --> 00:34:16.040
they're going to be there that weekend and you know, I'd like

465
00:34:16.040 --> 00:34:20.480
to go so we ended up going and I've done a lot of personal

466
00:34:20.480 --> 00:34:24.440
development in my life. So for me, a lot of the stuff was

467
00:34:24.440 --> 00:34:29.639
repetitive. And I wasn't super interested in going to the next

468
00:34:29.679 --> 00:34:32.360
level because they basically bring you in they teach you all

469
00:34:32.360 --> 00:34:37.360
this stuff about mindset about, you know, basically taking

470
00:34:37.360 --> 00:34:41.320
biblical principles and turning them into like, something that's

471
00:34:41.520 --> 00:34:45.960
but because my lens was biblical. This is so interesting

472
00:34:45.960 --> 00:34:48.920
because you and I, this will help you understand some of my

473
00:34:48.960 --> 00:34:56.320
past. So the fact that they had these principles that I knew

474
00:34:56.480 --> 00:34:59.320
coincided with the Bible, but I couldn't tell you that the

475
00:34:59.320 --> 00:34:59.920
language was the

476
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:04.800
same. They weren't using verses to explain them until I found out later on there was a Christian

477
00:35:04.800 --> 00:35:09.760
component to this weekend, but it was like a separate type of weekend. They called it something

478
00:35:09.760 --> 00:35:14.320
different, but it was completely Bible-based. So it was all the same activities, but Bible-based.

479
00:35:14.320 --> 00:35:18.800
I thought, okay, so this all goes along with the Bible. It's good. Like something like their

480
00:35:18.800 --> 00:35:25.040
formula, intention plus mechanism equals result. So you need your intention for your result. And

481
00:35:25.280 --> 00:35:31.360
so they turned this stuff into what I felt was like, yeah, this aligns really well.

482
00:35:31.360 --> 00:35:35.920
And my husband's a strong Christian too, and he felt like it aligned. And it was his church

483
00:35:37.600 --> 00:35:42.960
10 years ago that was the one promoting this company. So they were known for going into

484
00:35:42.960 --> 00:35:47.120
churches and doing this stuff. So I thought, okay, I don't see anything wrong with it.

485
00:35:47.760 --> 00:35:52.560
But Jason really wanted to go to the next level. And I didn't really have any interest because

486
00:35:52.560 --> 00:35:57.360
it was really expensive. By the time we actually went, it was in Colorado. So by the time we went

487
00:35:58.080 --> 00:36:03.840
there back and flew and paid for our accommodations at the ranch and did the whole week,

488
00:36:03.840 --> 00:36:09.600
it was like three grand each. Wow. Yeah. And I'm like, oh my gosh, this is a lot of money. But

489
00:36:10.640 --> 00:36:16.320
he knew I was struggling and he really wanted to go. And then I said, okay, well, if I get

490
00:36:17.280 --> 00:36:21.680
you know, some money from my dad or whatever, then I will. So anyway, things worked out and I

491
00:36:22.240 --> 00:36:30.400
decided to go. But he went first in May. And then I went in August. He came back in May,

492
00:36:30.400 --> 00:36:36.880
went for a week and he didn't say a whole lot about it. But I went to my friend Julia's wedding

493
00:36:37.600 --> 00:36:41.840
right before I was about to go in August. And there were a few other people there who had been

494
00:36:41.840 --> 00:36:46.000
through the whole program. They're like, oh my gosh, wait till you go. You're going to experience

495
00:36:46.000 --> 00:36:49.600
this amazing transformation, blah, blah, blah. So I'm like, okay, cool. Well, that would be

496
00:36:49.600 --> 00:36:57.600
awesome. So funny thing was, I was in massive resistance, massive resistance to going. I didn't

497
00:36:57.600 --> 00:37:03.520
know why. Because I like personal development. I like to travel. Did not want to go. Never been

498
00:37:03.520 --> 00:37:09.120
to Colorado. Had no interest on, I can't tell you why. It was just like in my spirit, I didn't want

499
00:37:09.120 --> 00:37:17.520
to go. And so my friend Julia had given me a book from the lead facilitator, this woman who owned

500
00:37:17.520 --> 00:37:22.640
the company. And she was going to facilitate that week that I was going to in August. So

501
00:37:23.600 --> 00:37:29.600
right around the time of her wedding, she gave me this woman's book. And she said, read this

502
00:37:29.600 --> 00:37:32.480
because you're going to meet her and she's facilitating the whole week. And I think it'd

503
00:37:32.480 --> 00:37:37.440
be really good for you. So I thought, okay. I looked at the cover of the book and it was a

504
00:37:37.440 --> 00:37:45.280
picture of this woman who kind of looked like me, which was kind of crazy. And I had, I brought it

505
00:37:45.280 --> 00:37:50.560
home and I put it on my nightstand face up because I thought I was going to read it. And I couldn't

506
00:37:50.560 --> 00:37:56.560
actually keep it on my nightstand face up. I had to turn it over so that I couldn't see her picture.

507
00:37:57.440 --> 00:38:02.400
And I'm like, that's weird. So then I actually couldn't even keep it on my nightstand. I had

508
00:38:02.400 --> 00:38:07.920
to put it on the floor face down. Like it was so messed up. And again, I'm like, what's wrong with

509
00:38:07.920 --> 00:38:14.560
me? Like, I don't know why, why I'm doing this, but that's what happened. So I get on the plane

510
00:38:14.560 --> 00:38:22.640
to go. I have her book. I start to read it. Pulls me in right away. It is like so powerful. Her

511
00:38:22.640 --> 00:38:29.680
testimony, her, it's not about God really. It's about this program and this organization that

512
00:38:29.680 --> 00:38:35.200
she's now the president of and how it changed her life and how, you know, all of the abuse she went

513
00:38:35.200 --> 00:38:40.080
through, all of the trauma she went through. And I thought, oh my gosh, like she's overcome so much.

514
00:38:40.080 --> 00:38:45.440
If this is possible for her, what's possible for me? And I related to her so much and I was so

515
00:38:45.440 --> 00:38:51.360
excited to meet her at this point. But when I, when I first, and oh, so this is interesting too.

516
00:38:51.360 --> 00:38:56.400
So we go to sleep that night, we get to the ranch. So the ranch is three hours away from the airport.

517
00:38:56.960 --> 00:39:00.320
So we take a bus for three hours, get to the ranch. It's in the middle of nowhere.

518
00:39:01.200 --> 00:39:02.880
You'll understand why I'm telling you all this.

519
00:39:04.000 --> 00:39:08.720
No, I'm fine. I love, I love them. I love details because I like to visualize everything. I think

520
00:39:08.720 --> 00:39:12.800
that's where, that's where all the color of the story is in.

521
00:39:12.800 --> 00:39:18.160
Okay. Beautiful. So I get up the next morning with this new roommate. I didn't know anyone there. So

522
00:39:18.160 --> 00:39:24.960
I met this girl. I was in the bunk. We were four of us in a cabin. So went to breakfast with her

523
00:39:24.960 --> 00:39:30.000
and we were walking toward the main area where we were going to meet our whole facilitation team.

524
00:39:30.640 --> 00:39:37.680
And I've always had a very strong spiritual connection to deer. And, and I, I've never

525
00:39:37.680 --> 00:39:42.960
really like been close up to a deer, but whenever I see one, it's like a very spiritual moment in

526
00:39:42.960 --> 00:39:49.360
some way. So we're walking toward the main area and there's a family of three deer walking around

527
00:39:49.360 --> 00:39:56.720
the ranch together. And I was like, Oh my gosh. And so I'm standing there and the deer, the teenage

528
00:39:56.720 --> 00:39:59.840
deer, the smaller one walks right up.

529
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:08.320
to me and starts licking my hand. And I am in shock because I've been praying, God, show

530
00:40:08.320 --> 00:40:14.080
me why I'm here. Like, is this where I'm supposed to be? Give me a sign. I'm like, this is a sign.

531
00:40:14.080 --> 00:40:21.200
This is like, it just, everything felt right. So messed up. Felt so right. Except there was

532
00:40:21.200 --> 00:40:27.280
still this part inside me with this woman who I was about to meet. So when I walked into the

533
00:40:27.280 --> 00:40:33.200
main area, I saw her standing there behind the table. And I was like, oh, that's her. And I was

534
00:40:33.200 --> 00:40:38.640
kind of in a little bit of an awe of her because of her book and her experience. And she seemed

535
00:40:38.640 --> 00:40:44.240
to be where I wanted to be. And she had been where I was currently. And I just thought, wow,

536
00:40:44.240 --> 00:40:52.240
I want to experience this. And she came to the front of the room and it was this weird mix that

537
00:40:52.240 --> 00:41:01.120
I had of complete resistance to her and wanting to get close to her. It was so weird. And it was

538
00:41:01.120 --> 00:41:08.480
50-50. And so she saw me right away. And in a group of about 50 people who were all together

539
00:41:08.480 --> 00:41:16.000
for the week, she had a bullseye on me. And she saw me and that was the end.

540
00:41:16.960 --> 00:41:28.960
And she targeted me with like the craziest stuff. Very, very much a tear you down and build you up

541
00:41:28.960 --> 00:41:35.120
kind of person. So she would insult me. And then in the next sentence, she would say something

542
00:41:35.120 --> 00:41:43.440
nice about me. And it was very confusing. And she would say, I'm only doing this because I want the

543
00:41:43.440 --> 00:41:50.000
best for you. I love you. I want the best for you. And I would talk to this other facilitator

544
00:41:50.000 --> 00:41:55.360
there who seemed really nice. And she's like, no, no, no. She really does care. She sees you as her

545
00:41:55.360 --> 00:42:01.280
mirror and she sees your pain and she wants to help you. I call my friend Julia at home. What is

546
00:42:01.280 --> 00:42:05.760
up with this woman? I thought you said she was awesome. She is. She just loves you enough to

547
00:42:05.760 --> 00:42:10.640
tell you the truth. And if she's giving you all this feedback, you're lucky. Because she only

548
00:42:10.640 --> 00:42:16.000
targets people that are really like you have a lot of greatness in them and she wants to pull it

549
00:42:16.000 --> 00:42:21.520
out. So all these people are telling me how blessed I am to have this woman targeting me with all of

550
00:42:21.520 --> 00:42:27.360
this stuff. And all this stuff happened that week. And I won't get into all the details about it. But

551
00:42:27.360 --> 00:42:40.560
basically the theme of it was she did things that week to pull me in. Big things. Very

552
00:42:40.560 --> 00:42:46.640
manipulative things that I didn't see at the time. Things like we were on a zip line and she

553
00:42:47.920 --> 00:42:53.360
made a mistake on the zip line. It was so messed up. So you're supposed to just slide down.

554
00:42:54.000 --> 00:42:59.280
She actually didn't unhook me. So when I went to slide down, I fell. And I didn't fall all the way

555
00:42:59.280 --> 00:43:04.720
to the ground. But she did it so she could like pull me back up and be like, oh, I just didn't

556
00:43:04.720 --> 00:43:09.200
want to let go of you. I just wanted to keep you close. And she made up all these reasons. Oh,

557
00:43:09.200 --> 00:43:16.320
Jesus caught you. And like it was just a everything she did was very mechanical. And

558
00:43:17.920 --> 00:43:21.920
that's like if I told you all the stuff that happened that week, it would absolutely blow

559
00:43:21.920 --> 00:43:31.120
your mind. I was a changed person when I left. Before I left the week, she said, I want to have

560
00:43:31.120 --> 00:43:38.000
a friendship with you. And I was like, really? This is surprising. Because I just saw her as,

561
00:43:38.000 --> 00:43:42.480
it's almost like a teacher-student relationship. But she's about five years older than me. So

562
00:43:43.040 --> 00:43:46.720
I thought, okay, well, that would be cool. I really wanted to be her friend.

563
00:43:47.440 --> 00:43:50.400
And I wanted to believe all the things she said were true.

564
00:43:51.680 --> 00:43:59.200
But I didn't realize that I was in a cult. That's the word that keeps coming to mind.

565
00:43:59.200 --> 00:44:05.040
I'm like, this is so cultish. I had no idea that I was in a cult for a year and a half.

566
00:44:06.800 --> 00:44:10.480
And in that year and a half, she almost destroyed me.

567
00:44:11.440 --> 00:44:17.920
Um, tore me down and built me up over and over and over and over again. We'd have hour-long,

568
00:44:17.920 --> 00:44:22.560
hours-long phone calls. I would get off the phone with her and go downstairs to my husband

569
00:44:22.560 --> 00:44:28.480
bawling or just numb, not knowing how to explain. And he was going through that. He knew her. And

570
00:44:28.480 --> 00:44:34.240
he's like, everyone thought she was the most, she's like, if you've ever watched cult documentaries

571
00:44:34.240 --> 00:44:40.400
and everyone worships the leader. Uh, I've heard about that. Yeah. Okay. So in a cult,

572
00:44:40.400 --> 00:44:45.600
everyone worships the leader, the leaders like God. So for me, I actually said the words that

573
00:44:45.600 --> 00:44:51.440
she reminded me of Jesus, the way she was. She was so loving and so giving, but at the same time,

574
00:44:51.440 --> 00:44:56.320
she was tearing me down and building me up, but it was all because she loved me so much that I

575
00:44:56.320 --> 00:44:59.840
was worth it. It was so confusing. And the things

576
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:07.120
that she did to pull me in um physically even like touching me all the time when we were together and

577
00:45:07.760 --> 00:45:13.440
um emotionally always being like really in tune with me and it was like all the stuff I didn't

578
00:45:13.440 --> 00:45:17.520
have when I was a kid from my mother it's like she knew that's exactly what I needed

579
00:45:18.320 --> 00:45:24.960
and she used all that and again I didn't know what was happening to me and nobody in the program

580
00:45:24.960 --> 00:45:32.080
really were able to see it either because they were all indoctrinated already yeah so and so was

581
00:45:32.080 --> 00:45:37.840
I so after that week where I thought God transformed me it was actually because I was totally indoctrinated

582
00:45:37.840 --> 00:45:41.760
I came home from that week and I was like I'm bringing everyone I know into this program

583
00:45:42.480 --> 00:45:46.880
I got like seven of my friends within a week to sign up to come to the next weekend that was in

584
00:45:46.880 --> 00:45:51.280
our city they all came and then they were going to go to the advanced course that I went to

585
00:45:52.080 --> 00:45:56.560
by the time that happened I'd already gone to the next level and was in the next level after that

586
00:45:57.280 --> 00:46:02.640
and in between this woman and I um I don't I don't call her her real name because it's a

587
00:46:02.640 --> 00:46:10.160
trigger still a little bit but her her fake name is Jamie so um so you know I'm corresponding with

588
00:46:10.160 --> 00:46:17.280
her we're getting closer and closer and I actually at this point don't even know who I am anymore I

589
00:46:17.280 --> 00:46:22.720
don't know my identity I don't know who I am apart from her I don't know where I end and she begins

590
00:46:23.600 --> 00:46:30.640
we are just like like this and I I'm ready to quit my teaching job I'm ready to leave my husband and

591
00:46:30.640 --> 00:46:37.680
my daughter and go off and work for her full-time and basically be in this group again not ever

592
00:46:37.680 --> 00:46:43.200
hearing the word cult oh yeah just thinking I'd found the most amazing thing in the world

593
00:46:43.200 --> 00:46:53.600
I wanted to be a part of it and so I my friends um four of them came to the advanced course

594
00:46:54.240 --> 00:46:59.600
after I'd been in the program for about a year a year and a half and I just happened

595
00:46:59.600 --> 00:47:07.680
to have March break that week so I was able to go and staff it and I that was the first time

596
00:47:07.680 --> 00:47:14.000
my two girlfriend them all these are very strong Christians but two of the girls are like so in

597
00:47:14.000 --> 00:47:19.520
tune with the Lord that they can see stuff that I at that point I couldn't see and both of them

598
00:47:19.520 --> 00:47:26.640
were like you're in a cult and I'm like you're in resistance this was the word if anybody disagreed

599
00:47:26.640 --> 00:47:34.480
they were in resistance so I am yeah so interesting so they have all this loaded language that they

600
00:47:34.480 --> 00:47:40.160
use so it's thought-stopping language that you can just use a word and it's yeah it's loaded

601
00:47:40.160 --> 00:47:46.080
language right so yeah so anyway they came home after that week and they went straight to my

602
00:47:46.080 --> 00:47:50.720
pastor who's a friend of mine straight to him and they're like Alana's in a cult you have to help her

603
00:47:51.920 --> 00:48:01.920
and he's like okay I I can't force her to leave I will pray for her my wife so his wife

604
00:48:01.920 --> 00:48:08.240
Kobe is a really close friend she was watching me another woman who works at the church that's a

605
00:48:08.240 --> 00:48:13.360
good friend was watching me so he felt like I've got enough people around her that are

606
00:48:13.360 --> 00:48:19.840
keeping tabs on her calling her making sure everything's okay and at this point again if I

607
00:48:19.840 --> 00:48:24.240
told you some of the stories of what happened to me and what she did to me like in front of 80

608
00:48:24.240 --> 00:48:30.960
different people in front of 80 people tearing me down for over an hour just just bashing me

609
00:48:30.960 --> 00:48:37.040
emotionally and mentally and and all because it was for my own good she would say I don't want to

610
00:48:37.040 --> 00:48:42.560
have to be this mean to you I do it because you're worth it and I love you like really abusive yeah

611
00:48:42.560 --> 00:48:49.200
correct so I had a phone call recorded when we were on a group call as part of one of these levels

612
00:48:50.320 --> 00:48:53.840
and you weren't ever supposed to tell anyone what happened inside the group

613
00:48:54.800 --> 00:48:59.440
so I know all this sounds I should I didn't know anything about cults or anything about narcissists

614
00:49:00.000 --> 00:49:06.640
or nothing I knew nothing so I'm so blind at this point and so I had this recording of this

615
00:49:06.640 --> 00:49:12.480
conversation where for about half an hour she just ripped me to shreds she called me names she's like

616
00:49:12.480 --> 00:49:16.560
you're you're a walking barbie doll who's trying to show people how to live life and you have no

617
00:49:16.560 --> 00:49:23.760
idea you're delusional you're a fraud you're like she just called me all these names and again for

618
00:49:23.760 --> 00:49:32.960
my own benefit and I like at this point just was so lost and I went to a couple I went to a friend

619
00:49:32.960 --> 00:49:36.880
and I went to a psychologist and I said I'm going to play you a recording and I want you to give me

620
00:49:36.880 --> 00:49:45.680
your honest opinion because I feel like this is love and I'm really hurting and I don't know why

621
00:49:46.480 --> 00:49:52.720
and so I played it for both of them and they're like this is extreme abuse like this is so bad

622
00:49:52.720 --> 00:49:59.840
and they were they were appalled so then I thought okay like this isn't good this is this is bad so

623
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:05.240
But then I couldn't separate from her because I was in a trauma bond.

624
00:50:05.240 --> 00:50:09.560
And that trauma bond, that soul tie was so strong that I didn't know how to get away

625
00:50:09.560 --> 00:50:11.320
from her at that point.

626
00:50:11.320 --> 00:50:20.040
So I tried to cut off the relationship and I kept going back.

627
00:50:20.040 --> 00:50:23.200
It was such a cycle of abuse.

628
00:50:23.200 --> 00:50:26.920
And she would just keep pulling me back in and I'd keep going back and then I'd leave

629
00:50:26.920 --> 00:50:29.040
because I knew it was like, I got to get out of here.

630
00:50:29.040 --> 00:50:31.520
This is not good.

631
00:50:31.520 --> 00:50:35.480
Started seeing a deprogramming counselor, an exit counselor for cults.

632
00:50:35.480 --> 00:50:38.960
Was seeing two other therapists at the same time.

633
00:50:38.960 --> 00:50:45.280
And I even tried to explain to her, the way you're treating me feels abusive.

634
00:50:45.280 --> 00:50:47.160
I don't know how to...

635
00:50:47.160 --> 00:50:50.720
The other problem was because everyone else thought she was wonderful, I was the only

636
00:50:50.720 --> 00:50:52.720
one who didn't.

637
00:50:52.720 --> 00:50:56.000
So I was having problems believing myself.

638
00:50:57.000 --> 00:51:02.680
So when you're in a cult, one thing they do is they give you almost like a pseudo identity,

639
00:51:02.680 --> 00:51:03.880
which is your cult identity.

640
00:51:03.880 --> 00:51:08.160
You always have your initial identity, your God identity, but the pseudo identity is what

641
00:51:08.160 --> 00:51:10.640
causes you to be really indoctrinated.

642
00:51:10.640 --> 00:51:15.720
So the deprogramming counseling, a lot of that, and my other counselors were helping

643
00:51:15.720 --> 00:51:20.000
chip away at the pseudo identity so I could get back to who I was.

644
00:51:20.000 --> 00:51:23.000
Because I was so scared because I didn't know who I was.

645
00:51:23.000 --> 00:51:32.080
And I actually went through suicidal thoughts again that summer in 2018, because I didn't

646
00:51:32.080 --> 00:51:34.200
want to live because I didn't know who I was.

647
00:51:34.200 --> 00:51:36.960
And I certainly didn't know who I was apart from her.

648
00:51:36.960 --> 00:51:42.480
So once I finally cut it off and blocked her, I was a mess.

649
00:51:42.480 --> 00:51:47.120
And I knew I had to stay away, but I didn't know how to live my life without her telling

650
00:51:47.120 --> 00:51:48.640
me who I was supposed to be.

651
00:51:49.400 --> 00:51:54.720
I didn't know how I was going to be successful or how I was going to move forward and experience

652
00:51:54.720 --> 00:51:58.360
this amazing life without her helping me.

653
00:51:58.360 --> 00:52:01.880
So it was very messy for a while.

654
00:52:01.880 --> 00:52:08.560
I spent almost every day that summer in the dark in my room, Googling narcissist, Googling,

655
00:52:08.560 --> 00:52:10.760
like trying to, I had no idea what had happened to me.

656
00:52:10.760 --> 00:52:14.840
I had no idea I was in a cult, like it was so messed up.

657
00:52:14.840 --> 00:52:17.360
And so I-

658
00:52:17.360 --> 00:52:18.360
Gaslighting.

659
00:52:18.360 --> 00:52:21.480
Oh my gosh, the gaslighting was crazy.

660
00:52:21.480 --> 00:52:26.120
So then I, because I was in such confusion, I wrote, because I blog, so I wrote a blog

661
00:52:26.120 --> 00:52:29.640
and I titled it, is this a case of love or abuse?

662
00:52:29.640 --> 00:52:32.640
And I was like, tell me what you think of this.

663
00:52:32.640 --> 00:52:38.200
And so I wrote out word for word conversations, everything that happened for the most part,

664
00:52:38.200 --> 00:52:39.960
all the big kind of moments.

665
00:52:39.960 --> 00:52:43.440
And every single person who commented was like, this is total abuse.

666
00:52:43.440 --> 00:52:48.000
Some guy was like, is your crap detector so faulty that you cannot see that this is

667
00:52:48.000 --> 00:52:49.000
abuse?

668
00:52:49.000 --> 00:52:51.920
I was like, I guess.

669
00:52:51.920 --> 00:52:54.360
You're not helping because that's how she talks to me.

670
00:52:54.360 --> 00:52:55.360
I know.

671
00:52:55.360 --> 00:53:00.640
Well, that's what my husband said, because I was reading him the comments and it was,

672
00:53:00.640 --> 00:53:04.920
it was messed up because so many people just saw what I couldn't see.

673
00:53:04.920 --> 00:53:09.280
So I knew with everyone around, every single friend I have, every single person in my life

674
00:53:09.280 --> 00:53:12.040
was like, you are not to have anything to do with her.

675
00:53:12.040 --> 00:53:17.760
My pastor met with my husband to help him understand how much I needed to actually break

676
00:53:17.760 --> 00:53:20.960
everyone off from the cult that I had become friends with.

677
00:53:20.960 --> 00:53:24.320
So I deleted like over a hundred people on my Facebook.

678
00:53:24.320 --> 00:53:28.880
You know, my, my pastor is like one of the cleanest guys you'll ever meet.

679
00:53:28.880 --> 00:53:32.120
He's so normal and strong and clean.

680
00:53:32.120 --> 00:53:34.640
And like, there's no ego, there's no false pretense.

681
00:53:34.640 --> 00:53:35.640
He's just healthy.

682
00:53:35.640 --> 00:53:41.400
And he's built an amazingly, well, God has built through him this amazing church.

683
00:53:42.400 --> 00:53:49.360
And he, I take his word very seriously because he chooses his words very carefully too.

684
00:53:49.360 --> 00:53:53.280
And he said to my husband, you know, this woman, she's like a pedophile and Alana is

685
00:53:53.280 --> 00:53:56.280
her prey and you've got to keep her away.

686
00:53:56.280 --> 00:53:57.920
And that's, that's how bad it was.

687
00:53:57.920 --> 00:54:03.640
And I'm a, I'm a 40 year old woman at this point thinking, how on earth did I get groomed

688
00:54:03.640 --> 00:54:06.880
as a 40 year old woman in this situation?

689
00:54:06.880 --> 00:54:11.320
So my healing process included a bunch of things, but a lot of it was forgiveness.

690
00:54:11.360 --> 00:54:15.480
So I did a podcast, a friend of mine is a big influencer on Instagram.

691
00:54:15.480 --> 00:54:17.240
She has like over a million followers.

692
00:54:17.240 --> 00:54:21.600
So she wanted to start a podcast and she's like, your story of forgiveness is awesome.

693
00:54:21.600 --> 00:54:23.080
Can you share it on my podcast?

694
00:54:23.080 --> 00:54:24.080
And I'm like, sure.

695
00:54:24.080 --> 00:54:28.520
I thought, well, Jamie's never going to hear it because there are like 800,000 podcasts.

696
00:54:28.520 --> 00:54:31.200
Well, guess what?

697
00:54:31.200 --> 00:54:33.520
Somehow she found it.

698
00:54:33.520 --> 00:54:38.840
And so there are flying monkeys that have still been watching me and I have done my

699
00:54:38.840 --> 00:54:44.960
best to block everyone from any social media, but it's not, it's not a perfect system.

700
00:54:44.960 --> 00:54:48.360
There are ways, and I'm not afraid anymore.

701
00:54:48.360 --> 00:54:51.880
There was a time there when I was a little bit afraid, but I'm not afraid.

702
00:54:51.880 --> 00:54:58.040
I think the biggest thing for me with all of it is being thankful to God that he got

703
00:54:58.040 --> 00:54:59.040
me out.

704
00:54:59.040 --> 00:55:00.040
Um, that he sent.

705
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:03.840
my two little friends as angels to come to that week away

706
00:55:03.840 --> 00:55:07.080
and come back and say, Alana's in a cult.

707
00:55:07.080 --> 00:55:09.240
And that was huge.

708
00:55:10.500 --> 00:55:13.200
What he taught me about like you with narcissists

709
00:55:13.200 --> 00:55:15.840
and with what they're like,

710
00:55:15.840 --> 00:55:18.960
and she was a very altruistic narcissist.

711
00:55:18.960 --> 00:55:21.320
It was all about virtue signaling about,

712
00:55:21.320 --> 00:55:24.140
you know, how I help people and how I give to this charity

713
00:55:24.140 --> 00:55:27.260
and how I do all these wonderful, she's so good at it.

714
00:55:27.260 --> 00:55:31.340
I ended up, so two of the people who worked with her

715
00:55:31.340 --> 00:55:33.780
for about 15 years quit about four months

716
00:55:33.780 --> 00:55:35.900
after I went no contact.

717
00:55:35.900 --> 00:55:38.220
And that was such a blast.

718
00:55:38.220 --> 00:55:39.600
I'm sorry, can you repeat that?

719
00:55:39.600 --> 00:55:40.680
What would you say?

720
00:55:40.680 --> 00:55:43.440
I said, two of the people who were working with her

721
00:55:43.440 --> 00:55:48.440
for 15 years, who loved her, who were her best friends,

722
00:55:48.660 --> 00:55:51.540
quit about four months after I went no contact.

723
00:55:52.700 --> 00:55:56.720
And that was huge because I talked to both of them

724
00:55:57.200 --> 00:55:58.120
because I knew them well.

725
00:55:58.120 --> 00:56:00.360
They knew everything that had happened to me.

726
00:56:00.360 --> 00:56:04.640
And they were the first people who could corroborate

727
00:56:04.640 --> 00:56:07.720
my story about what she was really like

728
00:56:07.720 --> 00:56:09.440
because everyone else thought she was just

729
00:56:09.440 --> 00:56:12.000
the most amazing person in the world.

730
00:56:12.000 --> 00:56:13.280
So that was helpful.

731
00:56:13.280 --> 00:56:17.640
Then I met a woman who had been working with Jamie

732
00:56:17.640 --> 00:56:20.160
about 10 years ago for a number of years.

733
00:56:21.000 --> 00:56:23.720
And I got in touch with her and we started talking.

734
00:56:23.720 --> 00:56:26.280
And I said, you know, I'm in this confusion.

735
00:56:26.840 --> 00:56:28.000
Is she really just a hurt person

736
00:56:28.000 --> 00:56:29.480
because she's been through all this abuse

737
00:56:29.480 --> 00:56:30.560
and she just hurts people

738
00:56:30.560 --> 00:56:33.160
because she doesn't really understand how to manage it?

739
00:56:33.160 --> 00:56:35.360
Or is she a sociopathic narcissist

740
00:56:35.360 --> 00:56:38.240
who is really trying to just take people down?

741
00:56:38.240 --> 00:56:40.360
And she's a really strong Christian too.

742
00:56:40.360 --> 00:56:43.240
She actually like counsels the pastoral staff

743
00:56:43.240 --> 00:56:46.200
at Bethel Church in California.

744
00:56:46.200 --> 00:56:49.360
So she said, you know, I choose my words very carefully,

745
00:56:49.360 --> 00:56:54.360
but I definitely would say she's a sociopathic narcissist.

746
00:56:54.760 --> 00:56:56.600
And she said, I would put her on the same level

747
00:56:56.600 --> 00:57:01.600
as Jim Jones, who was the Jonestown, you know, that story.

748
00:57:02.520 --> 00:57:04.280
And so I was like, well, at least I got taken

749
00:57:04.280 --> 00:57:05.680
by one of the best.

750
00:57:05.680 --> 00:57:09.360
It wasn't like just some regular old Joe.

751
00:57:09.360 --> 00:57:11.640
She's so, so good at what she does.

752
00:57:11.640 --> 00:57:14.240
Like I can see why I was taken

753
00:57:14.240 --> 00:57:16.320
and I can see why God allowed it.

754
00:57:16.320 --> 00:57:21.200
I can see that he, you know, wanted me maybe to know.

755
00:57:21.200 --> 00:57:22.680
And I mean, you can correct me

756
00:57:22.800 --> 00:57:24.440
if I'm saying anything that's incorrect,

757
00:57:24.440 --> 00:57:26.360
but I feel like he allowed it

758
00:57:26.360 --> 00:57:29.960
because he was gonna use it in my life to help other people.

759
00:57:29.960 --> 00:57:33.840
He was using it in my life to help me get to where I am now.

760
00:57:35.240 --> 00:57:38.320
He was using it, I think, to be in a place

761
00:57:38.320 --> 00:57:40.040
where I can help others and comfort them

762
00:57:40.040 --> 00:57:41.600
with the experiences they're going through.

763
00:57:41.600 --> 00:57:43.480
Because a lot of my clients experience

764
00:57:43.480 --> 00:57:45.280
narcissistic relationships.

765
00:57:46.160 --> 00:57:49.320
And he got me to a point of transformation.

766
00:57:49.320 --> 00:57:52.480
Like I don't know if it was more about me stepping into it

767
00:57:53.280 --> 00:57:55.240
or more about, you know, what it was,

768
00:57:55.240 --> 00:57:56.800
but, and again, please feel free

769
00:57:56.800 --> 00:57:59.880
if I'm saying anything that doesn't sound aligned.

770
00:57:59.880 --> 00:58:04.880
Part of my problem is that I'm still stuck partially

771
00:58:05.040 --> 00:58:09.120
at times in the cult personality.

772
00:58:09.120 --> 00:58:12.880
So they're very new age, but they base it on the Bible.

773
00:58:12.880 --> 00:58:15.560
They're all Christians, but they're,

774
00:58:15.560 --> 00:58:19.440
it's a new age program, but it's all based on Christianity

775
00:58:19.440 --> 00:58:21.320
and all the people that run it are Christians.

776
00:58:21.880 --> 00:58:25.120
When you talk about some of the things like, you know,

777
00:58:25.120 --> 00:58:29.360
being in resistance or being in a place of choice,

778
00:58:29.360 --> 00:58:34.120
or, you know, just choosing into it or shifting into it,

779
00:58:34.120 --> 00:58:36.640
that's all language that they used in the cult.

780
00:58:36.640 --> 00:58:38.240
But it was-

781
00:58:38.240 --> 00:58:40.160
I can't believe that you haven't been triggered

782
00:58:40.160 --> 00:58:42.840
in hearing all of me, hearing that terminology.

783
00:58:44.080 --> 00:58:46.080
Well, it's actually been really helpful.

784
00:58:46.080 --> 00:58:47.200
And I wanted to tell you about this

785
00:58:47.200 --> 00:58:49.160
because especially when you talked about

786
00:58:49.160 --> 00:58:52.440
how God brought you into this area of new age

787
00:58:52.440 --> 00:58:56.080
to understand it more, I was really thankful for that.

788
00:58:56.080 --> 00:58:57.520
I almost started to cry when you said that

789
00:58:57.520 --> 00:59:01.760
because I was like, it just feels so aligned for me

790
00:59:01.760 --> 00:59:04.680
because I needed somebody in my life

791
00:59:04.680 --> 00:59:09.680
who understood how the Bible supported these beliefs

792
00:59:12.720 --> 00:59:14.720
so that I could stand on the truth

793
00:59:14.720 --> 00:59:17.320
of what I was taught in the cult,

794
00:59:17.320 --> 00:59:19.920
but be able to root it in the Bible,

795
00:59:19.920 --> 00:59:21.320
which is where it's from anyway,

796
00:59:21.320 --> 00:59:23.160
but they've twisted it so much

797
00:59:23.160 --> 00:59:26.360
into this form of teaching that is,

798
00:59:27.320 --> 00:59:29.240
like, honestly, I can't tell you how,

799
00:59:29.240 --> 00:59:30.640
I mean, when you talk about

800
00:59:30.640 --> 00:59:33.440
when you were just at the bottom of the pit

801
00:59:33.440 --> 00:59:36.960
and it was like you were at the lowest point in your life,

802
00:59:36.960 --> 00:59:39.080
that's pretty much where I was that summer.

803
00:59:39.080 --> 00:59:42.560
It was bad, especially because I didn't know who I was.

804
00:59:42.560 --> 00:59:46.440
And I even had a conversation with her

805
00:59:46.440 --> 00:59:51.040
about a year after for almost two hours.

806
00:59:51.040 --> 00:59:54.240
Yeah, I am, because we were really close.

807
00:59:54.240 --> 00:59:55.320
It wasn't all bad.

808
00:59:55.320 --> 00:59:58.840
There was a lot of good and I missed her.

809
00:59:58.840 --> 01:00:00.160
I missed our friendship.

810
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:03.920
I actually, I was delusional in thinking this,

811
01:00:03.920 --> 01:00:06.480
but I thought maybe she doesn't even know

812
01:00:06.480 --> 01:00:08.480
what she's doing to people.

813
01:00:08.480 --> 01:00:10.400
And this was before I had the conversation

814
01:00:10.400 --> 01:00:14.320
with the woman about the sociopathic narcissist thing.

815
01:00:14.320 --> 01:00:17.640
So I talked to her for almost two hours

816
01:00:17.640 --> 01:00:19.960
and I shared my experience.

817
01:00:19.960 --> 01:00:21.120
I shared what I'd gone through.

818
01:00:21.120 --> 01:00:23.480
I shared what I felt had happened.

819
01:00:23.480 --> 01:00:27.820
And because I had so much awareness at this point,

820
01:00:27.820 --> 01:00:29.840
I totally saw the narcissism.

821
01:00:29.860 --> 01:00:31.140
I saw the gaslighting.

822
01:00:31.140 --> 01:00:33.340
I saw it all clearly at that point.

823
01:00:33.340 --> 01:00:34.660
So that was really helpful.

824
01:00:34.660 --> 01:00:35.800
And then it took me,

825
01:00:36.660 --> 01:00:39.020
I would say after the first time I went no contact,

826
01:00:39.020 --> 01:00:42.180
it took me about a year and a half to really end it.

827
01:00:42.180 --> 01:00:43.820
That's how much I went back

828
01:00:43.820 --> 01:00:46.220
and that's how bad the trauma bond was.

829
01:00:46.220 --> 01:00:50.980
And I finally just made a choice.

830
01:00:50.980 --> 01:00:55.220
And I said, if I have her in my life,

831
01:00:55.220 --> 01:00:56.540
I want her to get healthy.

832
01:00:56.540 --> 01:00:59.300
I want her to see what she's doing

833
01:00:59.800 --> 01:01:03.720
and change, but she's not willing.

834
01:01:03.720 --> 01:01:04.920
She's not able to see it.

835
01:01:04.920 --> 01:01:06.780
She's not willing to change.

836
01:01:06.780 --> 01:01:08.680
She'd rather make me out to be,

837
01:01:08.680 --> 01:01:09.960
because I was the bad person.

838
01:01:09.960 --> 01:01:11.400
I was crazy.

839
01:01:11.400 --> 01:01:16.400
I was all of these awful things she would spread about me.

840
01:01:16.480 --> 01:01:18.580
Almost every single person who I met in that group

841
01:01:18.580 --> 01:01:21.600
that I was friends with dropped me.

842
01:01:21.600 --> 01:01:24.680
Right when she knew that I wasn't coming back

843
01:01:24.680 --> 01:01:26.120
and I was done.

844
01:01:26.140 --> 01:01:29.780
That smear campaign was pretty awesome.

845
01:01:29.780 --> 01:01:34.540
And even Julia, the girl who initially got me in,

846
01:01:34.540 --> 01:01:36.340
one day just ended our friendship.

847
01:01:37.180 --> 01:01:40.700
And she was one of the closest people in my life ever

848
01:01:40.700 --> 01:01:42.300
for four years.

849
01:01:42.300 --> 01:01:46.020
And one day out of the blue, just like that, she was done.

850
01:01:46.020 --> 01:01:47.820
And it was about a month and a half

851
01:01:47.820 --> 01:01:51.340
after I had the conversation with Jamie.

852
01:01:51.340 --> 01:01:54.860
And so, and I'd shared a lot of this stuff with Julia,

853
01:01:54.880 --> 01:01:58.480
but she made a choice and that's fine.

854
01:01:58.480 --> 01:02:00.440
It was hard for a few months, for sure.

855
01:02:00.440 --> 01:02:02.300
I struggled for a few months.

856
01:02:02.300 --> 01:02:05.480
I lost a couple other friends as well,

857
01:02:05.480 --> 01:02:06.640
but they've come back.

858
01:02:06.640 --> 01:02:09.340
They have since reconnected with me

859
01:02:09.340 --> 01:02:11.860
and we're like closer than ever now.

860
01:02:12.720 --> 01:02:15.540
But it was all collateral damage from the group.

861
01:02:15.540 --> 01:02:17.800
And I was sad at first,

862
01:02:17.800 --> 01:02:18.640
cause I thought, oh my gosh,

863
01:02:18.640 --> 01:02:21.160
I've lost all these great people,

864
01:02:21.160 --> 01:02:22.880
but the right ones have come back

865
01:02:22.900 --> 01:02:24.900
and I'm thankful for them.

866
01:02:24.900 --> 01:02:28.060
And maybe that was my time with Julia and that was it,

867
01:02:28.060 --> 01:02:30.060
but that was tough.

868
01:02:30.060 --> 01:02:31.660
That was really tough.

869
01:02:31.660 --> 01:02:35.980
And so my experience with losing friends

870
01:02:35.980 --> 01:02:38.180
kind of all surrounds the cult

871
01:02:38.180 --> 01:02:41.780
and almost everyone who was involved in some way.

872
01:02:41.780 --> 01:02:46.140
So when you talk about the new age stuff

873
01:02:46.140 --> 01:02:49.980
and understanding that they're all,

874
01:02:49.980 --> 01:02:53.120
all these belief systems are coming from the Bible,

875
01:02:53.120 --> 01:02:54.440
I would say about,

876
01:02:54.440 --> 01:02:58.060
if it was about six months ago to a year ago,

877
01:02:58.060 --> 01:02:59.420
I probably would have been triggered.

878
01:02:59.420 --> 01:03:03.640
I was still having a really hard time.

879
01:03:03.640 --> 01:03:06.360
She triggers me more than anything.

880
01:03:06.360 --> 01:03:08.280
I don't know if I could ever be in the same room

881
01:03:08.280 --> 01:03:09.940
as her again.

882
01:03:09.940 --> 01:03:10.960
She's that,

883
01:03:13.120 --> 01:03:14.940
well, some people call her evil.

884
01:03:14.940 --> 01:03:16.020
I don't know what to call her,

885
01:03:16.020 --> 01:03:18.120
but she's got,

886
01:03:18.120 --> 01:03:21.100
I just choose not to ever be in that space with her.

887
01:03:22.920 --> 01:03:26.460
And so, I kind of wonder,

888
01:03:26.460 --> 01:03:29.160
in your experience, in your wisdom,

889
01:03:30.340 --> 01:03:33.140
kind of what you thought maybe God was doing,

890
01:03:33.140 --> 01:03:37.780
what you think about everything I've shared,

891
01:03:37.780 --> 01:03:40.160
even some of the language I used around,

892
01:03:42.660 --> 01:03:44.860
if he allowed it for a reason

893
01:03:44.860 --> 01:03:49.860
and just that the whole new age concept based on the Bible,

894
01:03:50.360 --> 01:03:51.920
and you've talked a lot about that.

895
01:03:51.920 --> 01:03:54.820
So it's giving me more clarity, which is good.

896
01:03:54.820 --> 01:03:57.460
A lot of my understanding at the time

897
01:03:57.460 --> 01:04:00.760
was really about knowledge of really trying

898
01:04:00.760 --> 01:04:01.880
to understand what happened to me

899
01:04:01.880 --> 01:04:05.560
because I couldn't shift into the spirit at that point.

900
01:04:05.560 --> 01:04:07.600
I didn't understand enough to do that.

901
01:04:07.600 --> 01:04:09.160
I didn't understand my identity in him.

902
01:04:09.160 --> 01:04:11.660
I didn't understand my worth and value at all.

903
01:04:11.660 --> 01:04:12.800
So I couldn't do that.

904
01:04:12.820 --> 01:04:15.740
But I thought if I can understand what happened to me,

905
01:04:15.740 --> 01:04:18.500
it'll give me enough clarity to move forward a few steps

906
01:04:18.500 --> 01:04:20.340
and then a few more steps and a few more steps.

907
01:04:20.340 --> 01:04:24.460
And eventually, and it took me about two years

908
01:04:24.460 --> 01:04:25.660
to get to where I am now.

909
01:04:25.660 --> 01:04:27.600
So that was summer 2018.

910
01:04:29.100 --> 01:04:31.780
So it's been a pretty crazy ride.

911
01:04:33.140 --> 01:04:36.500
And I have no unforgiveness.

912
01:04:36.500 --> 01:04:38.540
I'm good with the whole thing.

913
01:04:39.480 --> 01:04:44.480
And I also, I think at times it'll come up for me,

914
01:04:44.760 --> 01:04:46.680
especially now that I'm in the rest intensive

915
01:04:46.680 --> 01:04:49.680
and you're talking about a lot of the same things.

916
01:04:49.680 --> 01:04:53.080
And I wonder if God, I always think in bigger picture

917
01:04:53.080 --> 01:04:56.120
and I'm like, did he have Ashley go into that realm

918
01:04:56.120 --> 01:04:59.320
of new age just because he knew one day

919
01:04:59.320 --> 01:05:00.420
he was gonna deliver?

920
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:06.320
her into my life and that she was going to understand what I've been through and for many

921
01:05:06.320 --> 01:05:11.200
other reasons too I'm sure he allowed you to go through that but I'm like for me it was such a

922
01:05:11.200 --> 01:05:18.240
cool connection because I thought it's just it's just that possible that he knew that I was going

923
01:05:18.240 --> 01:05:23.520
to walk into your life and need somebody who understood that among all the other things he

924
01:05:23.520 --> 01:05:32.080
was doing right yeah yeah so well I you know you were talking about you know if God allows

925
01:05:32.080 --> 01:05:38.560
those kinds of things well before I say into all that I'm just acknowledge you know what it is that

926
01:05:38.560 --> 01:05:44.880
you went through and I'm so sorry I'm sorry for you know how you were beset against how you were

927
01:05:44.880 --> 01:05:54.160
come against because you obviously didn't there's nothing about you and you know all of this I'm

928
01:05:54.160 --> 01:06:03.440
just so I'm not telling you something you don't know I am wanting to offer you hearing it from

929
01:06:03.440 --> 01:06:07.040
yet someone else I'm sure that you've had a lot of people talking to your life and I'm sure you

930
01:06:07.040 --> 01:06:16.960
know the Lord talks in your own spirit and sorry there's somebody I'm sorry there there's somebody

931
01:06:16.960 --> 01:06:25.600
standing in our front yard and I don't know who they are do you want to go check it out

932
01:06:28.400 --> 01:06:31.920
oh oh shoot okay I hope that they're not gonna ring the doorbell

933
01:06:31.920 --> 01:06:37.840
Dawson so I just need that

934
01:06:48.560 --> 01:06:56.400
okay um I think everything is okay at they might be they haven't rang the doorbell I was concerned

935
01:06:56.400 --> 01:07:04.720
that Dawson might start barking uh it's a bunch of people just one second

936
01:07:06.160 --> 01:07:14.320
I'm gonna go to the bathroom while you're checking that out okay thank you

937
01:07:26.400 --> 01:07:32.320
so

938
01:07:56.400 --> 01:08:07.360
okay

939
01:08:26.399 --> 01:08:28.399
so

940
01:08:40.399 --> 01:08:42.399
you

941
01:08:56.399 --> 01:08:58.399
you

942
01:09:26.399 --> 01:09:28.399
you

943
01:09:28.399 --> 01:09:30.399
you

944
01:09:30.399 --> 01:09:32.399
you

945
01:09:32.399 --> 01:09:34.399
you

946
01:09:34.399 --> 01:09:36.399
you

947
01:09:36.399 --> 01:09:38.399
you

948
01:09:48.399 --> 01:09:50.399
you

949
01:09:56.400 --> 01:09:58.400
you

950
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:08.080
And there was a two men standing on the sidewalk in our front yard stopping talking to each other,

951
01:10:08.080 --> 01:10:12.080
hands on their hips, pointing to the house like, what are you doing?

952
01:10:13.760 --> 01:10:18.080
So apparently they just, there had been a lot of there, there had been a hailstorm come through

953
01:10:18.080 --> 01:10:22.320
here a while back. And as they they work for a roofing company. So they're going door to door,

954
01:10:22.320 --> 01:10:28.560
seeing if he wants to hire them, you know, that makes me feel better. What are they doing?

955
01:10:30.800 --> 01:10:40.560
So I apologize about that. Anyway, so I just wanted to obviously be yet someone else to

956
01:10:40.560 --> 01:10:45.360
acknowledge the fact that that and just speak into the world and speak into in the heavenlies

957
01:10:45.360 --> 01:10:52.320
that whatever that what happened and was brought against you was witchcraft. It was manipulation

958
01:10:52.400 --> 01:11:01.120
is very wrong. And, and it just has, it has no place, it has no place in you. And it and you

959
01:11:01.120 --> 01:11:07.280
know, the name of the Lord Jesus that has no place in you to settle. So I'm so glad to settle down

960
01:11:07.280 --> 01:11:14.160
and to stay. So I'm really glad that the Lord protected you and surrounded you by people with

961
01:11:14.160 --> 01:11:22.640
people that could see what was going on that were list that loved you so much that they heard the

962
01:11:22.640 --> 01:11:31.200
Lord's voice and they had the courage to to fight for you. So I know that that means an awful lot

963
01:11:31.200 --> 01:11:38.480
to you and your relationship with him. And very glad that that he, you know, as his child, he

964
01:11:38.480 --> 01:11:44.880
saved you out of that. And he just revealed himself to you. And it's amazing, because,

965
01:11:46.400 --> 01:11:50.320
you know, like what you're saying about me, it's hard to believe that you've been through that,

966
01:11:50.320 --> 01:11:57.520
because in listening to you talk that, you know, you just never know, because the Lord has redeemed

967
01:11:57.520 --> 01:12:03.120
and restored, you know, so much and redeemed and restored who it is that you are in him. So

968
01:12:03.760 --> 01:12:10.000
um, but as far as like, you know, the fact that he that he allows things and all of that,

969
01:12:11.600 --> 01:12:17.200
you know, we do have, we do have free will to be able to choose things. And he,

970
01:12:18.960 --> 01:12:26.160
and he can prompt our spirit and speak to our spirit, that and we can listen in such a way

971
01:12:26.160 --> 01:12:33.040
that we can discern. Oh, he's saying he's warning me, he's telling me that there's something that

972
01:12:34.000 --> 01:12:44.320
that I need to pay attention to or whatever. And sometimes we are, we're so young in certain areas,

973
01:12:44.880 --> 01:12:53.840
that we cannot discern that what it is that's making us feel uncomfortable is God communicating

974
01:12:53.840 --> 01:12:59.120
X to us. And we're just like, I don't know what's going on. What is it? Is it my own?

975
01:12:59.120 --> 01:13:04.400
Is it my own resistance? Is this the Lord? Is this the Holy Spirit? You know, what's going on.

976
01:13:05.360 --> 01:13:11.040
But the night, the wonderful thing is that the Lord, if we, if we appeal to him,

977
01:13:11.760 --> 01:13:16.800
and we determine, Lord, I desire for you to be my protection and my provision, and I,

978
01:13:18.400 --> 01:13:23.760
I, I acknowledge and come into agreement with the fact that you are,

979
01:13:24.480 --> 01:13:32.640
that it can, then he obviously steps in because, you know, for us as his child,

980
01:13:33.280 --> 01:13:38.400
in order to protect and provide for us when we don't realize that we're being covered.

981
01:13:38.400 --> 01:13:45.600
We don't realize that we're, that a covering is being provided for us so that he can, he can

982
01:13:45.600 --> 01:13:51.760
provide for us in the middle of a situation that we are too brainwashed to know that we're in.

983
01:13:52.640 --> 01:14:01.120
Like, and for instance, I've known that, I mean, there was a time where I told the Lord,

984
01:14:01.120 --> 01:14:05.840
okay, Lord, no matter what it is that I do, I think I was in college and I exactly remember,

985
01:14:05.840 --> 01:14:11.520
I was, I remember where I was on the sidewalk when I prayed this prayer. I told the Lord,

986
01:14:11.520 --> 01:14:16.000
okay, Lord, no matter the choice, and at this time, I couldn't ever imagine making this type

987
01:14:16.000 --> 01:14:21.440
of a choice. It was like, I was talking about another person, but it sounded like a godly

988
01:14:21.440 --> 01:14:27.840
thing to pray. And I was very, I was very, very serious and very intentional about it.

989
01:14:28.560 --> 01:14:36.640
And I just told the Lord, Lord, no matter, no matter if I beg you to let me go,

990
01:14:36.640 --> 01:14:45.760
I am asking you now that never in my life, never let me go. Just totally, totally ignore my request,

991
01:14:46.560 --> 01:14:51.600
totally ignore, no matter how hard I beg, no matter, you know, how hard I petition you,

992
01:14:51.600 --> 01:14:57.520
I'm asking you to never let me go. Well, it never, ever occurred to me that I would actually

993
01:14:58.160 --> 01:15:00.000
ever beg, but the Lord,

994
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:09.040
Lord knew that, so he put it on my heart to pray for and to pray in anticipation of, for

995
01:15:09.040 --> 01:15:14.600
lack of a better phrase, my future self, so that when I went through my really deep, dark

996
01:15:14.600 --> 01:15:20.400
times with the Lord, I begged him to let me go, which is something I still can't believe

997
01:15:20.400 --> 01:15:23.000
that I did, but I really did.

998
01:15:23.000 --> 01:15:35.640
I begged him to take his hand off of me, because it was just torment, but because I believed

999
01:15:35.640 --> 01:15:41.960
that I had prayed that prayer, I had stood in the gap for myself, I'd stood in the gap

1000
01:15:41.960 --> 01:15:46.400
for my future self in anticipation, and the Lord honored that, and he provided me the

1001
01:15:46.400 --> 01:15:51.600
protection and provision that I needed, so my point is that even when we're in the middle

1002
01:15:51.600 --> 01:15:56.840
of a situation in which we're not acknowledging or coming into agreement with the fact that

1003
01:15:56.840 --> 01:16:07.600
we are who God says that we are, and Lord, I'm saying that I agree that you provide for

1004
01:16:07.600 --> 01:16:14.080
and protect me, and I'm going to entrust, and I'm going to choose that you are going

1005
01:16:14.080 --> 01:16:27.720
to provide my results, even if in the moment we are not believing that and in agreement

1006
01:16:27.720 --> 01:16:36.920
with it, if we have prior, and I believe even if we do in the future, it comes back and

1007
01:16:36.920 --> 01:16:43.320
it protects us, which I think is really wild, because in the Lord, there's no past or future,

1008
01:16:43.320 --> 01:16:44.800
there's just now.

1009
01:16:44.800 --> 01:16:53.040
God just exists in this place outside of time where everything is just now, which is how

1010
01:16:53.040 --> 01:17:01.160
Jesus Christ was able to be crucified in what, 30 BC, I believe, or 30 BC, 30 AD, I believe,

1011
01:17:01.160 --> 01:17:02.160
is that right?

1012
01:17:02.160 --> 01:17:10.600
Or no, he was born in 4 AD, so was that what, 37 AD, I don't remember, whatever that was.

1013
01:17:10.600 --> 01:17:15.920
It says that the land before the beginning of the world, because even though we're on

1014
01:17:15.920 --> 01:17:22.400
a linear timeline here in the world, God exists outside of time, and it's just always now.

1015
01:17:22.400 --> 01:17:30.440
I believe that we and others can stand in the gap for us and call down, because we agree

1016
01:17:30.440 --> 01:17:34.520
with God that he's our provision or protection, and that we are going to choose that he provides

1017
01:17:34.520 --> 01:17:41.960
us the results in our lives, that it protects us in other times in which we've existed,

1018
01:17:41.960 --> 01:17:44.920
either in the past or in the future.

1019
01:17:44.920 --> 01:17:51.640
So anyway, when you were talking about, you were just wondering my thoughts on what does

1020
01:17:51.640 --> 01:17:54.800
God allow us to be in those types of situations?

1021
01:17:54.800 --> 01:17:55.800
What really is going on?

1022
01:17:55.800 --> 01:17:57.400
Is it to teach us a lesson?

1023
01:17:57.400 --> 01:17:58.400
Is it to whatever?

1024
01:17:58.400 --> 01:18:09.720
I just wanted to mention that God doesn't ever leave us in a place of pain or evil in

1025
01:18:09.720 --> 01:18:22.400
which we are unprotected, because even if we're brainwashed at the moment and we're

1026
01:18:22.400 --> 01:18:27.280
not coming into agreement, just because we're not coming to agreement in the moment doesn't

1027
01:18:27.280 --> 01:18:32.120
mean that God's not going to come through providing for and protecting us, just because

1028
01:18:32.120 --> 01:18:37.120
we say in the moment, well, God, I don't believe that you do that kind of thing.

1029
01:18:37.120 --> 01:18:41.520
We can have the type of relationship with him where we've called on him as our father,

1030
01:18:41.520 --> 01:18:49.520
either in the past or in the future, where he's very aware of deep down the desires of

1031
01:18:49.520 --> 01:18:55.520
our heart and how it is that we view him, and he accounts that to us as righteousness.

1032
01:18:55.760 --> 01:19:00.360
Abraham's faith was accounted to him as righteousness, and he will act on that.

1033
01:19:00.360 --> 01:19:07.280
He will act on what it is that our heart truly desires, even if we ourselves can't recognize

1034
01:19:07.280 --> 01:19:09.720
it in that season.

1035
01:19:09.720 --> 01:19:14.920
So I believe that that was what was providing for and protecting you during that time.

1036
01:19:14.920 --> 01:19:18.760
And he's a very, very good father, and he's not going to stand by and watch us destroy

1037
01:19:18.800 --> 01:19:19.800
ourselves.

1038
01:19:19.800 --> 01:19:31.800
Even when Israel said that they didn't want to accept God's covenant of sonship, they

1039
01:19:31.800 --> 01:19:34.360
said, just tell us what to do, and we'll do it.

1040
01:19:34.360 --> 01:19:40.920
And God, as a very good God, said, okay, well, if you don't want to abide in me according

1041
01:19:40.920 --> 01:19:49.520
to the tree of life and operate according to relationship, if you do not have law, then

1042
01:19:49.520 --> 01:19:52.320
you are going to be exposed.

1043
01:19:52.320 --> 01:19:57.440
You're going to be unprotected and unprovided for, and I don't desire that for you.

1044
01:19:57.440 --> 01:20:00.040
So I will tell you, I will give you the weapons.

1045
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:04.120
that you need in order to provide for and protect yourself.

1046
01:20:04.120 --> 01:20:07.160
And that is my way in which I'm providing for

1047
01:20:07.160 --> 01:20:08.000
and protecting you.

1048
01:20:08.000 --> 01:20:13.000
So even though, even though we can choose to operate

1049
01:20:13.080 --> 01:20:15.120
according to the tree of the knowledge of good and evil,

1050
01:20:15.120 --> 01:20:18.280
our God is still over us protecting and providing for us.

1051
01:20:18.280 --> 01:20:22.000
Even if we're relying on ourselves for the results,

1052
01:20:22.000 --> 01:20:26.360
he still doesn't send us out into the world abandoned.

1053
01:20:27.360 --> 01:20:31.560
He never abandons us even if we don't,

1054
01:20:31.560 --> 01:20:35.200
even if we believe that he does.

1055
01:20:35.200 --> 01:20:37.440
And even if we reject him,

1056
01:20:37.440 --> 01:20:39.360
even if we're in rebellion against him,

1057
01:20:39.360 --> 01:20:41.820
he never abandons us ever.

1058
01:20:44.280 --> 01:20:45.880
Anyway, that's a bit of a deeper subject,

1059
01:20:45.880 --> 01:20:47.640
but those are just some of the things

1060
01:20:47.640 --> 01:20:51.360
that I was thinking about as far as like him allowing

1061
01:20:51.360 --> 01:20:54.440
that, yeah, he does not violate our free will

1062
01:20:54.440 --> 01:20:55.960
and we can choose.

1063
01:20:56.000 --> 01:20:58.600
But when you were in the situation,

1064
01:20:58.600 --> 01:21:03.600
you weren't abandoned and you were still being looked after

1065
01:21:03.640 --> 01:21:07.320
and looked over so that you could not be completely

1066
01:21:07.320 --> 01:21:11.560
destroyed because you're his.

1067
01:21:11.560 --> 01:21:12.600
Right. Anyway.

1068
01:21:12.600 --> 01:21:13.600
And I feel like that.

1069
01:21:13.600 --> 01:21:17.880
I feel like, it almost feels like the story of Job, right?

1070
01:21:17.880 --> 01:21:21.480
When God was like allowing the enemy

1071
01:21:21.480 --> 01:21:24.480
to do what he was gonna do, but he was always there.

1072
01:21:24.520 --> 01:21:26.160
God was always there, right?

1073
01:21:26.160 --> 01:21:27.920
And I feel like in a sense,

1074
01:21:27.920 --> 01:21:30.280
maybe what you said about the desires of your heart,

1075
01:21:30.280 --> 01:21:33.960
like the desire of my heart was to be freed from my past,

1076
01:21:33.960 --> 01:21:37.280
to be healed, to transform, to overcome.

1077
01:21:38.160 --> 01:21:42.480
And is it possible that he used that situation knowing

1078
01:21:42.480 --> 01:21:44.360
that he was there the whole time,

1079
01:21:44.360 --> 01:21:48.080
but he allowed the enemy or how the enemy was working

1080
01:21:48.080 --> 01:21:53.080
through this woman to affect me in a way

1081
01:21:53.840 --> 01:21:57.600
that would cause me, because he knew that eventually

1082
01:21:57.600 --> 01:22:00.080
I was going to heal and transform and overcome,

1083
01:22:00.080 --> 01:22:03.320
but that it was like I needed to almost go to the depths

1084
01:22:03.320 --> 01:22:08.320
of all that awfulness in order to overcome.

1085
01:22:09.600 --> 01:22:11.120
And I continued to trust him.

1086
01:22:11.120 --> 01:22:12.280
I continued to look to him.

1087
01:22:12.280 --> 01:22:16.640
There was never a time when I did not believe.

1088
01:22:16.640 --> 01:22:19.440
The only reason I got out was because of him

1089
01:22:19.440 --> 01:22:21.280
and because of the godly people around me

1090
01:22:21.280 --> 01:22:23.600
who I had about 10 women on speed dial

1091
01:22:23.600 --> 01:22:26.360
for probably about five months

1092
01:22:26.360 --> 01:22:29.200
that I would just reach out to when I was really in it.

1093
01:22:29.200 --> 01:22:30.640
And I was like, I just need you to pray.

1094
01:22:30.640 --> 01:22:31.720
I just need encouragement.

1095
01:22:31.720 --> 01:22:32.680
Can you send me a verse?

1096
01:22:32.680 --> 01:22:34.320
Can we talk, whatever?

1097
01:22:34.320 --> 01:22:37.920
And I had a really great group of people who were praying

1098
01:22:37.920 --> 01:22:40.960
and just like fighting for me to be out of this.

1099
01:22:40.960 --> 01:22:43.240
Because when you're in a cult,

1100
01:22:43.240 --> 01:22:45.720
it's hard to not want to go back,

1101
01:22:45.720 --> 01:22:47.880
even when you know it's not good.

1102
01:22:47.880 --> 01:22:49.720
So I was curious about your thought about that,

1103
01:22:49.720 --> 01:22:52.040
about the Job thing and about maybe if he knew

1104
01:22:52.040 --> 01:22:54.920
and he allowed the enemy to come along

1105
01:22:54.920 --> 01:22:57.160
and do what he was gonna do with me,

1106
01:22:57.160 --> 01:22:59.520
knowing God was gonna redeem it and bring good out of it.

1107
01:22:59.520 --> 01:23:00.640
Is that possible?

1108
01:23:03.680 --> 01:23:07.600
I guess I'm still a little unsure of your question.

1109
01:23:07.600 --> 01:23:11.360
You mean, do you believe that Satan went to him and asked?

1110
01:23:12.400 --> 01:23:14.920
No, but like, okay, so God can,

1111
01:23:14.920 --> 01:23:17.040
if he wanted to change that situation for me,

1112
01:23:17.640 --> 01:23:20.880
he could have woken me up sooner

1113
01:23:20.880 --> 01:23:22.960
and made me realize it was a cult

1114
01:23:22.960 --> 01:23:25.400
within the first month of being in it.

1115
01:23:25.400 --> 01:23:27.960
But he waited till I was in it for a year and a half

1116
01:23:27.960 --> 01:23:30.560
and I was really in the depths of despair

1117
01:23:30.560 --> 01:23:34.120
and I had completely had my identity torn away from me.

1118
01:23:35.920 --> 01:23:39.920
Because what she was doing is she was trying to strip me

1119
01:23:39.920 --> 01:23:43.920
of who I was and remake me into who she wanted me to be.

1120
01:23:43.920 --> 01:23:46.520
One of the counselors that I saw said,

1121
01:23:46.560 --> 01:23:49.040
was like she was ingesting you and rebirthing you

1122
01:23:49.040 --> 01:23:50.680
into the woman she wanted you to be,

1123
01:23:50.680 --> 01:23:52.920
which was basically a clone of her,

1124
01:23:52.920 --> 01:23:54.720
which is what I was turning into.

1125
01:23:54.720 --> 01:23:55.920
I mean, we already looked alike,

1126
01:23:55.920 --> 01:23:58.880
but I was turning into her, which was not good.

1127
01:23:58.880 --> 01:24:01.480
I thought it was good, it wasn't good.

1128
01:24:01.480 --> 01:24:04.640
So I'm like, did God, did he allow that

1129
01:24:04.640 --> 01:24:06.680
knowing what he was gonna bring in the end,

1130
01:24:06.680 --> 01:24:10.120
knowing the good he was gonna bring in my life now,

1131
01:24:10.120 --> 01:24:11.480
did he allow me to go through that

1132
01:24:11.480 --> 01:24:14.320
because he knew the transformation that was gonna happen?

1133
01:24:15.320 --> 01:24:17.520
Well, so what it is that God does in our lives,

1134
01:24:17.520 --> 01:24:19.120
you know, that we see through all of it,

1135
01:24:19.120 --> 01:24:21.120
we see, you know, the fact that we've gone through pain

1136
01:24:21.120 --> 01:24:22.160
and we've gone through suffering

1137
01:24:22.160 --> 01:24:24.240
and we come up the other side,

1138
01:24:24.240 --> 01:24:27.800
is they are ways in which we are overcoming.

1139
01:24:28.840 --> 01:24:30.360
So it's not just like,

1140
01:24:30.360 --> 01:24:33.360
oh, well, we just learn a lesson about God

1141
01:24:33.360 --> 01:24:38.360
or we learn a lesson about ourselves and we transform.

1142
01:24:38.960 --> 01:24:43.120
Because if we were perfectly,

1143
01:24:43.120 --> 01:24:45.040
because think of it this way,

1144
01:24:45.040 --> 01:24:49.000
if we were born, you know, perfect,

1145
01:24:49.000 --> 01:24:53.520
and we were, and God only creates good things,

1146
01:24:53.520 --> 01:24:58.520
that to believe that we needed to,

1147
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:11.280
How would you put that, that we needed to go through something in order to transform and become something different. And this may not be what you're saying. This is just an idea that came to mind. So the you just

1148
01:25:11.960 --> 01:25:20.800
If this doesn't answer your question, just as a freebie and that it's like, but it's it's believing that we were that we were

1149
01:25:21.800 --> 01:25:28.120
That we were created as something that wasn't good enough and needed to transform into something else and go through this process.

1150
01:25:28.560 --> 01:25:39.320
And so it's, I believe that it's important for us to understand that what it is that we're going through is we're overcoming. We are beginning to see creation, including our souls in our

1151
01:25:39.320 --> 01:25:56.960
And and our bodies are subject to frustration, you know, after the fall of the fall of Adam creation was subject to frustration, including our own our own souls. In fact, sorry, let me get my Bible really quick. Just one sec. Because I want to read something to you.

1152
01:26:10.320 --> 01:26:12.720
Okay, and so that you can know

1153
01:26:13.720 --> 01:26:20.920
Where I am. We're looking at Romans eight. This is a great house. Are you very familiar with it.

1154
01:26:21.120 --> 01:26:22.520
I love Romans eight. Yeah.

1155
01:26:22.760 --> 01:26:27.160
Yeah, it's so good. Specifically, when we look from

1156
01:26:31.400 --> 01:26:34.440
I mean, oh my gosh, we can talk about all of it. So I'm just trying to

1157
01:26:34.440 --> 01:26:36.240
Point and the part that I'm talking about right now.

1158
01:26:36.440 --> 01:26:37.440
So you don't order the

1159
01:26:42.440 --> 01:26:43.440
But there's the

1160
01:26:46.440 --> 01:26:48.440
Medicine is definitely

1161
01:26:50.440 --> 01:26:51.440
For every

1162
01:26:56.440 --> 01:26:57.440
We have an ovation.

1163
01:27:05.440 --> 01:27:06.440
And

1164
01:27:08.440 --> 01:27:09.440
Okay, if I'm doing a service.

1165
01:27:13.440 --> 01:27:16.440
Okay. Okay, so looking, I believe.

1166
01:27:18.440 --> 01:27:19.440
In

1167
01:27:19.440 --> 01:27:27.440
I'm starting in verse 18 so I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

1168
01:27:28.440 --> 01:27:39.440
So, okay. So, well, okay, let's back up just a little bit because it's talking about the glory that will be revealed in us because it's referencing something it just talked about. So in restarting in

1169
01:27:40.440 --> 01:27:41.440
Verse, I guess.

1170
01:27:43.440 --> 01:27:51.440
15 for you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received a spirit of sonship and by him would cry all the father.

1171
01:27:52.440 --> 01:28:00.440
The spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now we're children, then we're heirs, heirs of God and coerce with Christ. And here's the point.

1172
01:28:00.440 --> 01:28:08.440
If indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also sharing his glory. So talking about the fact that the glory that it is that we

1173
01:28:09.440 --> 01:28:15.440
That will be revealed in us is is it isn't is the glory of Christ that will that will be sharing

1174
01:28:16.440 --> 01:28:23.440
So I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. It's the same glory that we share with Christ.

1175
01:28:23.440 --> 01:28:35.440
The creation waits in eager anticipation for the sons of God to be revealed for the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it

1176
01:28:36.440 --> 01:28:45.440
In hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God, so

1177
01:28:46.440 --> 01:28:55.440
We keep talking about the fact that God wants to move us into greater and greater measures of rest and freedom. In other words, we already have that rest and freedom. We already are abiding in that place.

1178
01:28:56.440 --> 01:29:02.440
We're just not in agreement with the Lord that we are. And if we're not in agreement with the Lord that we are, then we're not manifesting and into the earth.

1179
01:29:03.440 --> 01:29:07.440
So it means that if our soul is not agreeing with our spirit that we

1180
01:29:08.440 --> 01:29:15.440
That we are, who God says that we are, that we are in freedom that we're in rest, then our soul and our body that are that our creation.

1181
01:29:16.440 --> 01:29:27.440
Then, like it talks about here in moments, their creation, then it's still, it's still subject to frustration and is not manifesting the freedom that it is that God says that we have

1182
01:29:27.440 --> 01:29:36.440
Just like the rest of creation like birds and trees and animals. And so we're for the even ourselves what we're subjected to frustration.

1183
01:29:37.440 --> 01:29:47.440
And then the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay. So currently it's it's enslaved and it's everything is going according to the law of entropy.

1184
01:29:47.440 --> 01:29:59.440
And as, as a physical example, but in other words, everything is leading to death because anything that is operating according to the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. In other words, it feels that

1185
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:03.320
that it's been abandoned by God and it's on its own,

1186
01:30:03.320 --> 01:30:06.480
very vigilant, trying to protect and provide for itself,

1187
01:30:06.480 --> 01:30:08.560
which is why nature is in chaos.

1188
01:30:08.560 --> 01:30:11.880
Oops, oh, that's weird.

1189
01:30:13.720 --> 01:30:16.800
So hopefully, my phone's not gonna die.

1190
01:30:16.800 --> 01:30:20.280
If it starts to get a little bit lower than that,

1191
01:30:20.280 --> 01:30:23.760
I'm gonna have to move it and plug it in.

1192
01:30:24.280 --> 01:30:29.280
Anyway, so it says that what we're doing when we are,

1193
01:30:33.840 --> 01:30:37.800
when we're manifesting the freedom that we are

1194
01:30:37.800 --> 01:30:40.500
in the spirit, when we manifest that into the soul

1195
01:30:40.500 --> 01:30:43.000
and into the body, we then push it out,

1196
01:30:43.000 --> 01:30:46.560
give creation the same freedom that we have.

1197
01:30:46.560 --> 01:30:49.360
That's what it is that we're doing.

1198
01:30:49.360 --> 01:30:53.080
That is what, that's what's going on

1199
01:30:53.080 --> 01:30:55.300
when we go through all of this suffering

1200
01:30:55.300 --> 01:30:59.240
and we go through what we refer to as a transformation.

1201
01:30:59.240 --> 01:31:00.760
We already are everything.

1202
01:31:00.760 --> 01:31:02.580
We don't have to become anything.

1203
01:31:02.580 --> 01:31:03.700
We already are it.

1204
01:31:03.700 --> 01:31:05.920
We're just coming into agreement with it.

1205
01:31:05.920 --> 01:31:07.360
And as we come into agreement with it,

1206
01:31:07.360 --> 01:31:09.160
it appears in our soul and our body

1207
01:31:09.160 --> 01:31:11.160
like it's being transformed.

1208
01:31:11.160 --> 01:31:14.720
And really what that means is we're just manifesting

1209
01:31:14.720 --> 01:31:16.340
who it is that we really are.

1210
01:31:16.340 --> 01:31:18.240
That's what the overcoming is.

1211
01:31:18.240 --> 01:31:22.040
It is overcoming the frustration

1212
01:31:22.040 --> 01:31:25.640
that it has been subjected to because we're telling it,

1213
01:31:25.640 --> 01:31:27.720
no, you're gonna come into agreement with the truth

1214
01:31:27.720 --> 01:31:29.360
and the truth says that you're free.

1215
01:31:29.360 --> 01:31:31.280
So manifest that freedom.

1216
01:31:31.280 --> 01:31:33.800
And if we manifest the freedom in our own lives

1217
01:31:33.800 --> 01:31:37.460
by overcoming, we finally can have freedom

1218
01:31:37.460 --> 01:31:39.520
that we can then in turn give to frustration,

1219
01:31:39.520 --> 01:31:43.520
give to creation and release it from frustration as well.

1220
01:31:43.520 --> 01:31:46.900
So things like trees, grass, animals, et cetera,

1221
01:31:46.900 --> 01:31:49.180
they're currently subject to frustration

1222
01:31:49.180 --> 01:31:52.020
in such a degree that we don't even know

1223
01:31:52.020 --> 01:31:53.140
what they would look like

1224
01:31:53.140 --> 01:31:55.100
if they weren't subject to frustration.

1225
01:31:55.100 --> 01:31:58.380
There is a glory that all of them have

1226
01:31:58.380 --> 01:32:02.900
that in the way that God originally intended them to operate

1227
01:32:02.900 --> 01:32:05.700
that we have never seen.

1228
01:32:05.700 --> 01:32:08.180
We're not used to seeing what does a tree look like

1229
01:32:08.180 --> 01:32:10.100
when it's not subject to frustration?

1230
01:32:10.100 --> 01:32:13.740
What does a tree look like that is perfectly,

1231
01:32:13.740 --> 01:32:17.180
that is glorious as God originally intended it to look?

1232
01:32:17.180 --> 01:32:19.900
We don't know, we haven't seen it,

1233
01:32:19.900 --> 01:32:22.260
but before we can give it to the tree,

1234
01:32:22.260 --> 01:32:24.820
we have to manifest it in our own lives.

1235
01:32:24.820 --> 01:32:26.580
So we're overcoming.

1236
01:32:26.580 --> 01:32:28.460
That is the purpose and the point

1237
01:32:28.460 --> 01:32:30.060
of what it is that we're doing.

1238
01:32:30.060 --> 01:32:32.940
And so it talks, it mentions this in 22,

1239
01:32:32.940 --> 01:32:35.220
it says, or in the next few verses,

1240
01:32:35.220 --> 01:32:38.100
it says, we know that the whole creation's been groaning

1241
01:32:38.100 --> 01:32:40.940
as in the pains of childbirth to the present time.

1242
01:32:40.940 --> 01:32:43.980
Not only so, but we ourselves,

1243
01:32:43.980 --> 01:32:45.540
so this is where it's referencing the fact

1244
01:32:45.540 --> 01:32:48.100
that even we ourselves have been subjected to,

1245
01:32:48.100 --> 01:32:50.140
as creation subjected to frustration,

1246
01:32:50.140 --> 01:32:52.220
and we are waiting for the manifestation

1247
01:32:52.220 --> 01:32:53.460
of the sons of God,

1248
01:32:53.460 --> 01:32:55.300
because remember, identity is in the spirit.

1249
01:32:55.300 --> 01:32:58.340
We're waiting for who it is that we are in the spirit

1250
01:32:58.340 --> 01:32:59.800
to be manifested.

1251
01:33:01.020 --> 01:33:02.700
So not only, but we ourselves

1252
01:33:02.700 --> 01:33:04.900
who have the first fruits of the spirit

1253
01:33:04.900 --> 01:33:09.900
grown inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons.

1254
01:33:10.820 --> 01:33:13.220
So it says that creation is groaning

1255
01:33:13.220 --> 01:33:16.060
in anticipation of the manifestation of the sons of God.

1256
01:33:16.060 --> 01:33:17.740
It even says we ourselves are groaning

1257
01:33:17.740 --> 01:33:21.740
in anticipation of our adoption as sons.

1258
01:33:21.740 --> 01:33:23.500
And then it says, comma,

1259
01:33:23.500 --> 01:33:25.900
and then it explains what the adoption of sons is,

1260
01:33:25.900 --> 01:33:28.340
which is the redemption of our bodies.

1261
01:33:28.340 --> 01:33:31.700
And it says, for in this hope, we were saved.

1262
01:33:31.700 --> 01:33:33.100
That is why we were saved.

1263
01:33:34.300 --> 01:33:37.380
When we were saved, and this is a really big deal.

1264
01:33:37.380 --> 01:33:39.860
This is a really, really, really big deal.

1265
01:33:40.860 --> 01:33:45.860
Even non-Christians, their spirits are united with Christ,

1266
01:33:47.820 --> 01:33:51.220
because everyone was reunited with Christ

1267
01:33:51.220 --> 01:33:52.980
when he died on the cross.

1268
01:33:52.980 --> 01:33:54.980
The difference between Christians and non-Christians,

1269
01:33:54.980 --> 01:33:57.440
so to speak, if we wanna label each other like that,

1270
01:33:57.440 --> 01:34:02.440
is those who have done what Jesus talks about in scripture

1271
01:34:02.940 --> 01:34:04.940
and believed on Jesus.

1272
01:34:04.940 --> 01:34:07.260
In other words, we have acknowledged

1273
01:34:07.260 --> 01:34:09.300
and come into agreement with the fact

1274
01:34:09.300 --> 01:34:10.660
that we're one with Christ.

1275
01:34:10.660 --> 01:34:13.020
The non-Christians have not yet come into agreement

1276
01:34:13.020 --> 01:34:15.420
that they're one with Christ already,

1277
01:34:15.420 --> 01:34:20.420
and that he is the only way that they can come to the Father.

1278
01:34:23.640 --> 01:34:26.700
Because if they don't agree that they're one with him,

1279
01:34:26.700 --> 01:34:28.260
that's obviously the only way

1280
01:34:28.260 --> 01:34:30.300
that we can come to the Father.

1281
01:34:30.300 --> 01:34:33.280
And so, therefore, they can't come to the Father

1282
01:34:33.280 --> 01:34:35.580
if they don't agree that they're one with him,

1283
01:34:35.580 --> 01:34:36.540
and that it's through him

1284
01:34:36.540 --> 01:34:40.740
that it provides us reconciliation.

1285
01:34:40.740 --> 01:34:43.980
That's what the difference is

1286
01:34:43.980 --> 01:34:45.500
between Christians and non-Christians.

1287
01:34:45.500 --> 01:34:48.960
So the whole point of salvation, if we already have it,

1288
01:34:48.960 --> 01:34:51.320
if we're already one with God,

1289
01:34:51.320 --> 01:34:55.060
what on earth do we think that salvation is?

1290
01:34:55.060 --> 01:34:58.300
It says that salvation is for the redemption of our bodies.

1291
01:34:58.300 --> 01:35:00.380
It is in order to fondle God.

1292
01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:04.240
have the opportunity to finally, when we come into agreement with the fact that

1293
01:35:04.240 --> 01:35:09.600
Jesus is the only way, I'm united with him, I'm one with him, my spirit is one

1294
01:35:09.600 --> 01:35:13.120
with him, my spirit is perfect, I'm finally coming into agreement with God

1295
01:35:13.120 --> 01:35:18.720
that all of that is true. Once we do that, we can then begin to manifest who it is

1296
01:35:18.720 --> 01:35:21.000
that we are in spirit, because we acknowledge who we are in spirit,

1297
01:35:21.000 --> 01:35:26.560
manifest it down into our soul and down into our bodies to redeem our bodies

1298
01:35:26.560 --> 01:35:30.880
back to release it and to free it from from the fact that it's currently

1299
01:35:30.880 --> 01:35:36.640
subject to frustration. Once we do that, we now have something we cannot give to

1300
01:35:36.640 --> 01:35:41.000
creation. We can give them the same freedom that we have, but we can't give

1301
01:35:41.000 --> 01:35:49.200
creation until we have freedom. That's what Romans 8 is talking about. And so I

1302
01:35:49.200 --> 01:35:54.880
just mentioned that because you, you know, you're talking about, well, what

1303
01:35:54.880 --> 01:35:59.040
is it, you know, especially like related to Job and all of that, what is the

1304
01:35:59.040 --> 01:36:04.200
suffering, what is the transformation, why does God, why does God allow, you

1305
01:36:04.200 --> 01:36:08.440
weren't really necessarily asked, I was asking why God allowed it, but I'm just

1306
01:36:08.440 --> 01:36:14.280
mentioning, you know, why does God allow it, what is this whole thing about? It is

1307
01:36:14.280 --> 01:36:19.440
us overcoming, but the fact, kind of what I mentioned in the spiritual work,

1308
01:36:19.440 --> 01:36:25.360
spiritual warfare lie, nothing is a threat to us. The only problem is we

1309
01:36:25.360 --> 01:36:29.560
think it's a threat because we believe that we're sold. So the fact that we are

1310
01:36:29.560 --> 01:36:33.720
in those situations, you know, in a, that is someone believes that they're, that

1311
01:36:33.720 --> 01:36:39.280
they're in a cult, someone believes and is brainwashed and and believes

1312
01:36:39.280 --> 01:36:43.360
according to whatever the cult says and all of that stuff and, you know, loses

1313
01:36:43.360 --> 01:36:48.280
their sense of identity and self, etc. That actually can't touch who it is that

1314
01:36:48.320 --> 01:36:53.160
we are. It's touching who it is that we apparently believe that we are. And

1315
01:36:53.160 --> 01:36:56.400
that's what we were here, what we're doing here on this earth, is we're

1316
01:36:56.400 --> 01:37:03.840
overcoming in our soul and in our body through these experiences in order to, in

1317
01:37:03.840 --> 01:37:10.200
order to bring, in order to work out our salvation, which is the manifestation of

1318
01:37:10.200 --> 01:37:13.440
who it is that we really are, so that our soul and our body look like who it is

1319
01:37:13.440 --> 01:37:17.200
that we really are. And then we have something to give to creation. So that's

1320
01:37:17.200 --> 01:37:20.200
what all of this is. That's what all this pain is. That's what all of the

1321
01:37:20.200 --> 01:37:24.520
suffering is or what it is that Job went through, what it is that you went through.

1322
01:37:24.520 --> 01:37:30.560
It's our process of overcoming in our various ways. And each of us, and there's

1323
01:37:30.560 --> 01:37:37.800
a, there's a death in overcoming, and each of us dies and overcomes for the rest of

1324
01:37:37.800 --> 01:37:46.200
the body of Christ. So you have overcome in areas and died in areas that I might

1325
01:37:46.200 --> 01:37:53.080
live. And I have overcome and died in areas that you might live. Because whoever

1326
01:37:53.080 --> 01:37:59.400
receives a profit, receives a profit's reward. So if we honor what it is that

1327
01:37:59.400 --> 01:38:05.560
each of us has overcome in the Lord, we get to receive the benefit of what

1328
01:38:05.560 --> 01:38:11.200
someone else died to give us. Each of us is called to be Jesus for the rest of

1329
01:38:11.200 --> 01:38:15.160
the body of Christ. And so that's what we're doing. We're overcoming in our own

1330
01:38:15.160 --> 01:38:20.280
little worlds, so to speak. We all have our own area of life and

1331
01:38:20.280 --> 01:38:26.440
experience and existence in which we're overcoming. So that collectively, as an

1332
01:38:26.440 --> 01:38:30.120
entire body of Christ, from the time of Adam all the way to the last person

1333
01:38:30.120 --> 01:38:36.720
that's ever born, that's ever created, all of us, you know, dead, alive, dead matter,

1334
01:38:36.720 --> 01:38:41.280
we're all one body of Christ. That all collectively we will have overcome

1335
01:38:41.280 --> 01:38:45.960
together and manifested the invisible into the visible and we're finally

1336
01:38:45.960 --> 01:38:50.600
released all of creation from frustration. But we have to start with

1337
01:38:50.600 --> 01:38:59.120
ourselves first. So anyway, that was a lot. No, no, that's good. So part of

1338
01:38:59.120 --> 01:39:03.880
the, part of it was like the sanctification and the, you know, the

1339
01:39:03.880 --> 01:39:09.160
process of overcoming some of those things and putting them to death and now

1340
01:39:09.160 --> 01:39:14.680
kind of being reborn in this way where I am more in the Spirit than I have been

1341
01:39:14.680 --> 01:39:22.440
in my life. I guess like I wonder if God knew that, which he probably did, but if

1342
01:39:22.440 --> 01:39:27.520
he knew that I needed that series of events or I knew he knew that my process

1343
01:39:27.520 --> 01:39:32.640
needed to look like that for whatever reason. I kind of wonder about that. If he

1344
01:39:33.240 --> 01:39:40.400
knew that it was needed? Well, because I wasn't in Christ, because I

1345
01:39:40.400 --> 01:39:45.120
didn't know my identity, I didn't know my worth and value, I didn't love myself for

1346
01:39:45.120 --> 01:39:51.240
who he created me to be. I wonder if he allowed that situation to strip me down

1347
01:39:51.240 --> 01:39:56.520
to almost nothing so that I was at this place where I needed to rebuild my

1348
01:39:56.520 --> 01:40:01.080
identity on that firm foundation of who he is.

1349
01:40:00.000 --> 01:40:05.920
so that I would eventually understand, I would eventually overcome and be in the Spirit more,

1350
01:40:05.920 --> 01:40:10.240
but it was a process that He needed to take me through. Is that possible?

1351
01:40:10.960 --> 01:40:20.160
God uses processes, absolutely, for us to go through. An example of that is how we exercise

1352
01:40:20.160 --> 01:40:28.400
and build muscle. We're torn down in order to build back up, but the tearing down is the removal

1353
01:40:29.200 --> 01:40:35.360
of negative things. In other words, the things that aren't us. So it's not us ourselves that's

1354
01:40:35.360 --> 01:40:41.760
being removed. They're lies that we believed about ourselves, whether they were old roots of ours,

1355
01:40:41.760 --> 01:40:48.080
or they were being added to. Regardless, God's like, no, no, no, those things aren't you,

1356
01:40:48.080 --> 01:40:53.120
so those things need to be removed. And when we go through that fiery furnace,

1357
01:40:53.840 --> 01:41:00.240
all of the lies, in other words, all of that dross comes to the surface, it becomes visible,

1358
01:41:00.240 --> 01:41:08.800
and there's that painful process of going through the fire in order to reveal the things,

1359
01:41:08.800 --> 01:41:12.240
in order to make evident and obvious the things that are not of us.

1360
01:41:13.040 --> 01:41:16.480
Well, it's just to remove something that's not us.

1361
01:41:17.280 --> 01:41:21.440
Well, and I think here's where I struggle a little bit, because

1362
01:41:22.800 --> 01:41:29.040
she would have said that's what she was doing with me. She was breaking me down and stripping

1363
01:41:29.040 --> 01:41:34.960
those things away, and chipping away, and revealing the, she would say, the David.

1364
01:41:35.760 --> 01:41:39.760
We're chipping away at the chunk of marble that's you, and we're going to reveal the David.

1365
01:41:39.760 --> 01:41:41.440
Michelangelo reference.

1366
01:41:42.240 --> 01:41:47.040
And she, so it was always about, I'm breaking you down only because this is what you need to

1367
01:41:47.040 --> 01:41:52.640
be built up the right way. So when you talk about that, I'm like, was she right? Was what she did

1368
01:41:52.640 --> 01:41:58.240
right? Was it okay? Because that was her purpose, and was I the one who was like, this is wrong in

1369
01:41:58.240 --> 01:42:06.560
my spirit? You know what I mean? Yeah, no, no, no. She's not right. It was absolutely 100% of use.

1370
01:42:07.120 --> 01:42:12.080
No, no question. But the whole thing, when I say tearing, when I say tearing down,

1371
01:42:12.080 --> 01:42:20.560
that's probably a really bad way to express it. It's removal of things. And it is true that

1372
01:42:20.560 --> 01:42:27.840
sometimes, like for instance, you read about the potter with the clay in Isaiah, where it says that

1373
01:42:27.840 --> 01:42:35.840
sometimes, you know, he has to like start all over, because there's just too much to have to like,

1374
01:42:36.080 --> 01:42:39.920
to pick out and to change. It's just kind of like, okay, let's just melt the whole thing down,

1375
01:42:39.920 --> 01:42:45.200
even though I'm mixing metaphors now. Now I'm talking about like, you know, like metal, but

1376
01:42:45.760 --> 01:42:51.920
it was just melt the whole thing down, bring up the dross, remove the dross, and then now reshape

1377
01:42:51.920 --> 01:42:58.240
and rebuild the thing. But what she was doing is she was, and Satan's really good at this, and it,

1378
01:42:58.240 --> 01:43:02.000
so it's the same thing with the New Age stuff that they were teaching. These are principles

1379
01:43:02.000 --> 01:43:08.160
that God created, but that what it is that they actually mean has been corrupted. And then, and

1380
01:43:08.160 --> 01:43:13.280
then so they use all the right terminology. For instance, they use the word Jesus. Did it mean

1381
01:43:13.280 --> 01:43:18.720
that the things that they were speaking were actually of Jesus and were actually a reflection

1382
01:43:18.720 --> 01:43:24.560
of his character and, you know, and his love? Absolutely not. So they can use all of the right

1383
01:43:24.560 --> 01:43:33.440
terminology because, but how they use it and how they operate, just because they say all the right

1384
01:43:33.440 --> 01:43:38.880
things does not mean that what it is that they're doing, that they've attached an accurate term

1385
01:43:39.520 --> 01:43:46.640
to mean, does not mean that that was correct. So what she was doing was not tearing down.

1386
01:43:46.640 --> 01:43:51.600
She was destroying. At the very end, she was attacking, she was destroying, it was manipulative,

1387
01:43:51.680 --> 01:43:58.640
it was witchcraft. And one of the reasons why it's so difficult to decipher and

1388
01:43:58.640 --> 01:44:05.280
understand what's going on in situations like that is because, just because something looks

1389
01:44:05.280 --> 01:44:10.640
and sounds like something good and sounds like the Bible and all of that, doesn't mean that it

1390
01:44:10.640 --> 01:44:19.120
actually, doesn't mean that it actually is. And we all know that, sorry, I think that I just,

1391
01:44:19.120 --> 01:44:25.120
the way that I worded that probably just sounded more confusing than clarifying. Well, you know,

1392
01:44:25.120 --> 01:44:28.000
can I, I'm going to, I'm going to interrupt you for a sec because I really want to hear

1393
01:44:28.000 --> 01:44:35.280
what you have to say and I get to go and pick up my daughter. Oh yeah, yeah. But I want to,

1394
01:44:35.280 --> 01:44:40.560
can we, is it possible just to like pick up this conversation just for a few more minutes to finish

1395
01:44:40.560 --> 01:44:49.200
off this, like at another time? Is that possible? Yeah, yeah. Just put another thing on my calendar.

1396
01:44:49.200 --> 01:44:54.320
I see what open time that I have today. I don't know if I have any, because I'm about to go into

1397
01:44:54.320 --> 01:44:59.840
three, into a three day, three full day time.

1398
01:45:00.000 --> 01:45:09.960
see if I mean a conference maybe I have some time like I don't know like I don't

1399
01:45:09.960 --> 01:45:13.320
know when I'd have time but anyway and see if you see any time open on my

1400
01:45:13.320 --> 01:45:18.880
calendar if not well can I I don't know if you're busy this evening but could I

1401
01:45:18.880 --> 01:45:22.680
text you like later this evening and see if you're you've got like an extra five

1402
01:45:22.680 --> 01:45:27.120
minutes or so yeah yeah let's do that yeah let's do that yeah yeah that'll be

1403
01:45:27.120 --> 01:45:30.480
the easiest because I definitely want to hear what you have to say about this

1404
01:45:30.480 --> 01:45:34.720
because this this is super important to me because this is one area where it's

1405
01:45:34.720 --> 01:45:40.760
it's a little tricky so yes I would love to know your thoughts and I'll text you

1406
01:45:40.760 --> 01:45:46.320
um I don't know what you're doing I'm in the eastern time zone so I'll be it

1407
01:45:46.320 --> 01:45:53.120
would be about eight eight thirty my time okay are you central or what are you

1408
01:45:53.120 --> 01:46:00.600
essential yes are you are you at 348 right now is that your time yes it is

1409
01:46:00.600 --> 01:46:08.120
yeah okay so it would be about yeah about seven o'clock your time seven

1410
01:46:08.120 --> 01:46:10.920
seven-thirty your time I can text you between then and see if you're available

1411
01:46:10.920 --> 01:46:15.720
or even a little later yeah yeah you can you're welcome to do that and check I'm

1412
01:46:15.720 --> 01:46:19.240
not sure where I'm gonna be or what I'm gonna be doing them but you're welcome

1413
01:46:19.240 --> 01:46:23.800
to check and then if I can and then we can just hop on really quick and if in

1414
01:46:23.800 --> 01:46:28.040
the meantime if you want to jump on Marco Polo and like I don't know like

1415
01:46:28.040 --> 01:46:32.720
if you feel like I'm not really nailing it on the head exactly or it seemed to

1416
01:46:32.720 --> 01:46:36.400
be heading in the direction that you're asking maybe that you can I don't know

1417
01:46:36.400 --> 01:46:40.760
think of another way to phrase it or clarify to let me know you're totally

1418
01:46:40.760 --> 01:46:45.200
you're you're in the right direction I promise you I just I just know that I'm

1419
01:46:45.200 --> 01:46:49.320
on a time limit and I want you have to say so if you so I thought if you have

1420
01:46:49.320 --> 01:46:55.720
like five more minutes I probably get all your thought but no you're you're on

1421
01:46:55.720 --> 01:46:59.040
the right track so I just want to definitely want to hear what else unless

1422
01:46:59.040 --> 01:47:02.080
you want to just shoot me a Marco Polo and tell me the rest of what you're

1423
01:47:02.080 --> 01:47:07.280
thinking on there or I can text you later okay all right that sounds good

1424
01:47:07.280 --> 01:47:14.080
which one oh I will I'll do Marco Polo why don't I do that and then and then if

1425
01:47:14.080 --> 01:47:18.880
and you know we can you can see if that answers question that's beautiful thank

1426
01:47:18.880 --> 01:47:27.240
you okay I really enjoyed our talk and sorry I'm rushing off no worries yes all

1427
01:47:27.240 --> 01:47:32.160
right well we'll talk soon bye okay bye