DASA, can you hear me?
DASA, get in your bed.
DASA, can you hear me?
DASA, get in your bed.
and did some work, got back to some people, but I still have a very long list,
and that's just people to get back to. That's not, doesn't even include all the recordings of
the private consultations that I did over the weekend that I need to like send out to people,
and links that I need to make sure to get people, new people that join the conference who need to
add to the distribution list, figuring out what to do with the conference. One of the
one of the sessions aired live, but then it didn't keep, that YouTube didn't keep the recording,
so I now need to go get the recording and then upload it. Get in your bed.
I have to go get the recording and re-upload it so that people can watch. No, get in your bed.
Sorry, just a second. Okay, there you go.
Oh dear. Oh, my head. I know, I'm so sorry, and I just spilled stuff all over me. Anyway,
so I need to go get a towel. Go ahead if you need to get a towel. Yeah, I can take you with me, but
anyway, the point is that I have a lot to do, and I have not been able to do it. So, you're one of
the, we're one of the lucky ones. One of the few people I've gotten back to. So, anyway, but that
is my update. You're breaking up a little bit. Really well. I love to meet with some, you know,
of our members in person. That was so much fun, and we sat in here. Here's the lodge. Here's where
I am. So, we sat in here, that rest intensive group with their husbands. We had some special
time. Dosa, get in your bed. Go on. She's testing. She doesn't usually do that. Get in your bed
and stay. So, that was really nice, and I missed everybody else from the rest intensive being here,
because that sure would have been fun. Wouldn't it have been? How many all be here? How many people
ended up being there for you? I think six from the group, and that didn't, you know, that didn't
include their husbands. It was just, I think it was Lori, Priscilla, Barbie, Audra, Diane,
and Natalie. Is that seven? Maybe that's seven. Anyway, so, yeah, so that was really good, and then
my best friend came, which was great, and like I already said, Audra, my sister. So, anyway,
that's so good, but yes, so that is all the updates. You're so sweet to always ask and
in check, especially when you weren't feeling well now, as well as yesterday, or yeah, yesterday.
You were so sweet. I noticed you closed out your message with, by the way, I hope, you know,
for your tears, by the way, I hope that everything went well over the weekend, and how are you,
and are you okay, and you're so sweet to be thinking about somebody else when you're not
feeling well, so. Well, I'm glad it went well. I was thinking about you a lot over the weekend,
and just like praying for all you guys, and I wish I could be there, but I know that it just
wasn't the right timing, but next, if you do it again, as long as the border's open, I will
definitely be there. Honestly, that's the only thing, that was the only problem, so, and the
quarantine, not even like I could fly over the border, but it's the quarantine. It's what? It's
the quarantine. It's coming back and being isolated for 14 days. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh,
I thought that the border wasn't open. Well, that's part of it. That's part of it. The border's
open for flying, and I think it's supposed to be essential travel, but once you get there,
it's either, it depends on the rules in the state, you might have to quarantine for 14 days when you
get there, and then when you come back, you definitely have to quarantine for 14 days here,
so I couldn't be around. I couldn't leave my house at all. Yeah, so it's just, it's just, it's not,
it wasn't feasible this time around. However, I believe that the Lord is going to open the door,
you know, the next time around, if you choose to do it again, so I'm just believing for that.
Good. Yeah, and well, I'm glad it went well, and that's awesome. I just knew, you know, I wanted
to participate this weekend, and I felt like it was really important for me, if I was going to be
home, to spend time with my daughter, because she, she feels like,
she's not getting enough of my time.
And so I try to give her a lot more quality time
on the weekends because she's at that age
where she just really wants to be with me.
Now that's not always gonna be that way.
I love like this age is so fun.
And I just, however, because I'm go, go, go,
like I'm just constantly going, I've got her.
So when I'm not doing my work and all those other stuff,
she wants me and I'm on for her.
My husband's pretty self-sufficient, which is good.
So I don't need to be on for him very often.
And then I'm teaching,
which I've just taken the last two days off
cause I just could not go.
And then I'm doing, I'm so tired.
I'm doing all of this stuff.
And like what you said on your Marco Polo was perfect
because I am in this space of wanting to help.
And I feel like that's my mission,
but my mission gets to be to allow God to work through me
in the way that he does and just be me.
And I think I'm struggling with that
because I wanna be who's going to help them.
And I know that the Lord's gonna help them,
but I wanna bring them the information
that's gonna help them.
And I know that's not about me,
but I'm making it about me.
I'm making it about my wanting to just live out my purpose
and then also wanting to quit teaching.
So then there's the pressure of having the finances come in,
which is going well.
Like I'm not, I don't want for anything.
Like God has blessed me in so many ways.
And he even blesses me historically.
I've seen it through all these difficult times.
He always makes it work out for good,
even the worst circumstances, as you know,
because I've told you some of them.
And crazy enough,
my husband had a dream about Kimberly the other night.
Wow.
What, can I ask what the dream was?
I mean, do you think it was?
Go ahead.
And do I think what, sorry?
Do you think it was prophetic?
I don't know.
He had a dream.
Now she's very seductive just in the way she is, right?
Like we've talked about that.
You mentioned it was like Elon Musk's wife
had the same kind of thing.
Was that you that mentioned that?
Yes.
Yeah.
It was long time ago, but I remember that.
Yeah.
That sexual kind of energy.
And she's very like that.
She's really good at it.
And so my husband was never like attracted to her or anything
but he had like a dream where she was trying to seduce him.
And he was like, that was so weird.
Cause he, I mean, I still dream about her every few months.
She'll pop into my dream.
And it's usually almost always around reconciliation.
Like there's a desire on both sides to reconcile.
So we're trying to work through it.
That's always my dream.
His dream was that she was just coming up
and trying to seduce him
and he kept pushing her away and pushing her away
and she kept doing it.
But she does have this way
of getting into people's subconscious.
Just with the, he wasn't really a victim
of the mind control like I was,
but there's parts of it, right?
And I think with everybody,
there are parts of it that he had to break down
but he never got indoctrinated to the degree I did.
But anyway, so like, I think a whole lot of stuff
is coming up like the,
I'm really struggling at work.
I'm really struggling to keep teaching.
I really wanna quit.
I want to take next year off.
So I made this silly agreement
cause I'm all about having goals.
And I know it's not about the goal.
It's about who you become in achieving,
whatever the Lord has set out for you.
But I said, if I get 10 new clients from this intensive
then I can quit teaching next year and take the year off.
So I've set myself up for this expectation
that I really want to have that.
And I just wanna take, I wanna stop teaching now.
I just don't wanna go back.
I just wanna lie in bed and do my work
and go online and live in this space.
I don't wanna be, in Canada, teachers get paid so well.
Like I could make six figures teaching if I wanted to
but I don't, I don't want to, I wanna do this.
But I also wanna have the finances
to be able to quit teaching.
And so there's that
and there's, I mean, there's fear too.
And there's so much in this conversation
but there's fear too around my parents
because they believe that teaching is like the be all
and end all job that I should stay in.
So for me to have to talk to them about.
but it is gonna be hard, especially my dad.
My dad's very narcissistic.
My mom is too, but it's different.
It's like insecure, narcissistic, like a victim,
that kind of place.
But my dad is like ego narcissistic
and he will have a bit of a fit.
Like he threatens, he's like, if you don't call me enough,
I'm gonna like write you out of the will.
Like that's the kind of person he is.
Yeah, so I've broken away from a lot
of my parental influence over the years.
However, it's nice that like he lives far away.
He lives in the U.S. actually,
but I'm just, you know,
I don't want to have that conversation with him.
So I wonder if some of it is a block for me in that,
like self-sabotage,
because I don't want to have to, you know,
go through that conversation.
And then, yeah, so like I just, and there's more,
but I'll maybe just start with that,
not to pile too much on you at once,
but that's kind of, and like, I think I'm just worn out
and I don't know why I'm just,
like I said yesterday, I'm just tired.
And I know I shouldn't be reinforcing the belief.
I should be like, I have energy, you know,
God's giving me strength.
I should say all those things, but I'm just tired.
It's important that we don't deny reality.
Because denying reality,
it actually ends up exacerbating the problem
because it's staying hidden in the darkness
and it's not being acknowledged.
But by acknowledge something,
acknowledging something is the first and the hardest step.
And I mean, like truly acknowledging it,
not just kind of like, oh yeah, well, I'm going to say it.
No, like really, truly acknowledging it to oneself
will is the first step in actually neutralizing
its power over you.
So no, it's, so don't worry.
It's not like, oh, I shouldn't be saying this.
No, it's very important to always acknowledge reality.
Yeah, acknowledging reality neutralizes power.
But you're not, it's important that when we say something
that we're not, that we're just mentioning,
this is what is manifesting,
but we're not inwardly having this defeatist posture
towards it like, oh man, well, this is the way that it is.
We, if we, as long as we don't have that,
because that's what's giving power to something
to like keep the thing going.
As long as we don't have that,
well, then we're just acknowledging the reality.
And so, and then that's powerful to neutralize it.
So don't worry about that.
Okay.
So yeah, I, what do you think of all that?
Well, when you said you're tired, like of what?
And in what ways?
I think I'm.
Like how far does it pervade kind of a thing?
How far does it pervade?
Like, what does it pervade into?
I mean, what different areas of your life?
Cause you're just like, I'm just tired of like
in which areas and.
My body's tired.
I don't want to, I'm not depressed or anything,
but I don't want to get out of bed.
Like I just want to lie down.
And that's not that different from how I usually feel.
It's just to a higher degree.
I've been getting a lot of headaches lately and I'm just,
pardon?
Stress.
Yeah, just stressed.
And I really, I feel like I really want something.
It's like, and I know this is such a good lesson
cause I really want this, but you know,
I have a friend who really wants her four
and a half year old daughter back,
but her four and a half year old daughter died a year ago
and she'll never get her back.
And she has to just be in that reality of that
as hard as it is.
And this isn't even close to that yet.
I'm just not able to grab onto that reality of
this is what it is right now.
And even though this is what I really want,
this is what it is.
And that it's okay that it looks this way right now
because I really want it to look different.
And I know that that, what you said,
like that's the first step is just not trying to say
it has to look a different way than it does right now.
It's just, this is what it is.
And I know, I know that that's,
a really good place to be.
I'm just not sure how to get there at the moment.
And I hear you say the resting and the being in him
and all of that, but my gosh.
And then the other thing that comes up is,
I don't know, there's so much, but,
and this is totally on a different topic,
but maybe it ties in somehow.
I guess I wondered, like, I don't know how to word it exactly, but I think I've tested
people.
I don't know if you've ever felt tested by me.
Have you ever felt tested by me?
No.
I mean, you may have been doing it, but I mean, I didn't feel it.
Okay.
I just am curious, because I think I've a lot less, like I've done it a lot less, but
I had an acquaintance friend tell me that she felt that way.
She also told me that she didn't like the fact that I was always had my hair done and
my makeup done when we got on a Zoom call.
So she's got some stuff that she's working through, which is fine, but she felt like
I was testing her.
And then I was like, I feel like this is all coming from this place of everything outside
of me.
If these people like me, then I'm doing okay.
If these people respect me, I'm doing okay.
If I'm approved of, I'm doing okay.
If I'm validated, if I'm serving people, if I'm being a good mom, if I'm being a good
wife, if I'm doing all the things and being the way that I think God wants me to be, then
somehow I'm in a good place.
But then, and this is really, it's a good notice because I guess like I've made up a
story in my mind, like if somebody doesn't get back to me in a certain amount of time
or somebody may have talked to you about this, like I make up a story that they don't care.
And we've talked about that.
And I know it's not that, it's just that like everybody, I mean, I don't get back to people
all the time very quickly, right.
And yet I make up this story that I have historically made up a story that I'm not as important
to them.
Now that I'm aware of it, it's great because I can easily see it now and not do that.
But I think it kind of ties in because it's like all of this stuff outside of me where
it all gets to come back to him.
But I really think like that my ability to have the life I want depends on other people
investing in my program.
And I know that's not it, but that's kind of the come from, I guess, right now.
Yeah, it's not healthy.
I know it's not the right way to be, but that's, that's where I'm at.
And I think that's probably why I'm tired.
It's all of this mixed in.
Yeah.
I think we're just starting to start, you know.
I know what I want to say.
I'm just trying to think of where to start.
You know, you and everything that, okay, let me start by saying this.
That you are, that you are free from having to try anymore to improve yourself, to catch
any, what you're calling, what you are looking for as flaws or issues or something that someone
thinks about you or a way that maybe you're hurting, that someone claims that you're hurting
them or whatever people are saying, or how you, how you could do it better or catch that
you've done something, what you would believe as a subpar, you know, you're, you're free
from having to, to, to do that anymore.
You're you, you have permission to, to, to stop, to stop analyzing, stop because, because
God says that you're perfectly fine the way that you are, that he loves you and he accepts
you just exactly you right now, without you ever changing from literally everything that's
going on in this moment, everything that you are.
everything that you're feeling, the turmoil, which you're concerned of as what it of doing that you're currently doing something wrong in how you're processing, or what you're thinking, or the fact that you're tired into thinking I shouldn't be, or whatever.
And he's perfectly fine with you. Just right now, you can stay this way as far as he's concerned for forever.
And it doesn't change anything. As far as he's concerned.
So,
so you but you have to let yourself go. You have to allow that you have to choose that for yourself you have to choose okay if God says that and that's how God sees me, and he is the most righteous judge in the universe.
And this is how he's judged me, then he's judged me as completely righteous he's judged me as complete as whole. He can't love me any more than he already does he can't he doesn't, he can't, there's not more love that he has yet to give until I become
more spiritually mature, or anything or more, more acceptance, more, more an invitation to relate to him, and to seek him, and to be close to him. He doesn't provide you anything.
He's already given you all of it. In this moment, and you don't have to change anything for that.
And so,
so it's important that you actually choose to receive that word from the Lord. In other words that you believe that word of God has spoken it that you truly do receive that and believe it is true.
And by that it's not believing, it's actually choosing to step out on it, even without you feeling like you believe.
So basically without you feeling it without you believing it but you choosing that it must be true, and it feels reckless.
It feels risky because it doesn't feel like it's real it doesn't feel like it makes any sense.
But the way that it worked for me.
When I was in your situation way it worked for me to finally get past where you are, is, and was that I actually willfully stopped doing things.
I thought okay, if God says that I don't have to do these things. I'm going to actually intentionally stop.
Even if I want to do it.
Even if it's a habit.
Even if, oh well I'm really afraid that if I don't do this, if I don't, if I don't seek out and analyze the situation figure out what I did wrong, or if I don't apologize in the relationship, when someone comes to me and says that, that, you know, I've done something wrong, or don't
I was very.
I was just very reckless in it reckless abandonment.
Okay, if God says it's true that I'm going to act like it stopped telling him I was sorry for things. I just stopped doing them.
I mean like when I became aware of it when I became aware of it I was like okay I have a choice am I going to continue to do it or not.
And if I show in either way I decided not to say sorry.
And, and that was hard. Everything within me wanted to say I was sorry because it's how I was used to resolve absolving myself of guilt.
And then, and then, but by me not saying I was sorry. I was telling the Lord God. This is me choosing actively that if you say it's true, then I'm declaring that it is true, and that I don't even need to say sorry so I'm proving that to myself by not saying
sorry. And then, in order, and then, and when I did that, the Lord would would show up, and I would find that I was fully accepted without saying sorry.
The same thing goes for doing or not doing the thing. Sometimes I would decide okay do I want to continue to do the thing, or do I want to repent and not do the thing.
And sometimes I would continue doing the thing.
I didn't continue to do the thing that I thought was wrong.
Just because that's what I chose, and I didn't want to stop.
That I was completely accepted unconditionally, and that God didn't love.
or accept me any less, even though I stayed in it and didn't repent.
And that is how I proved to myself that because I stood out on faith, that if it's true and God
says it has no conditions, that I'm going to act like in real life, like there are no conditions.
And then I found God. And then once I found God and I felt safe with him,
then I started making those hard decisions that I hadn't had the courage to make before,
which was to relieve my sense of ownership of situations that I was in. Stop holding judgment
against God that these situations shouldn't be like this and they should be something different
or whatever the case may be, whatever situation I found myself in and whatever I needed to do
to shift into rest, no shame, no condemnation, whatever. And anyway, when I began to do all
those things and discovered that I could be at rest, then I began to have courage to actually
do things and give up ownership and give up, release judgment when I hadn't been brave enough
to do it before, excuse me, you know, things like dreams that I wanted and whatever.
I hadn't felt safe enough to give them up. So, but finally when I started recklessly doing all
those things that I just mentioned, I finally, and I found that I was safe with God there.
I was safe with God by not, I was safe with God in not obeying him.
That made me feel safe enough to actually risk obeying him and whatever results might come from
that, you know, obeying him, such as in like doing what, something that I felt that he wanted me to
do or releasing ownership of the situation, stop holding him accountable for it, you know, whatever.
Stop, release my dream to him and choose him over my dream. That kind of a thing.
And here's a really, really, really big thing that worked for me. And so this is one of the
things that I thought of when you had sent me your video yesterday is, and this is what I would
recommend doing, like seriously for a full week and do nothing else.
No saying I'm sorry, no trying to change yourself, no trying to push past or trying to absolve
yourself of guilt or find something that you did wrong and try to improve on it or
get further in your business or, or have a good attitude about work or anything,
just leave all those exactly as they come, just whatever comes up, let, let it come up.
If you're angry, be angry, you know, just whatever. And then, then you, sorry, then what I, from like
all day long, from the moment that you get up to getting in the shower, to putting on your makeup,
brushing your teeth, getting breakfast ready, going out the door, whatever it is in every moment
in choose that God loves you and is loving on you receive it and thoroughly enjoy it
and choose that he thoroughly enjoys you. This is the biggest. I would say that this is the,
is one of the biggest, most foundational things that I did to begin to shift in a very foundational
way, like all the way down to the root level kind of a thing. Yes, I did have to choose the Lord,
but this is how I didn't know. I suppose it's a little bit of the, which came first,
the chicken with the egg. Did I choose the Lord and abandoned first and then do the,
and that's what enabled me to choose that he loved me, or did I choose to believe that he loved me?
And then I chose to abandon myself to him, you know, and everything else. I'm really not sure
which came first, chicken with the egg, but they're both very, very important. So I'll just
mention that one first is just that whole thing of love that, you know, that's what I would do.
I would get up in the morning and I would choose God loves me and thoroughly enjoys me because he
said, so I am thoroughly being enjoyed right now, like right now, just because I'm me and because
I'm getting up in the morning. And because, because I look like this and because I, I am,
I make these particular gestures and I have like these particular, I have these particular tones
and inflections in my voice when I talk. And then he enjoys me, you know, while I'm taking a shower
in all of my little, my body movements. And.
be putting on my makeup. It's everything. When I was in it, when I was in my activities,
I would intentionally choose, God enjoys me. I think he's watching me right now and he's
thoroughly enjoying it. And I would feel it. If I moved it too much into my brain, it wouldn't work.
I had to choose it so that I'm like, no, this isn't something I'm trying to convince myself of.
I'm actually choosing it. I'm choosing that. That is the laws of the world in which I live
and I'm going to operate by them. And then I would do the same thing while I was making breakfast,
even though in the back of my mind, I'm thinking I should probably be working.
I'm not working yet. You know, I wonder if God thinks that I'm lazy and just like,
and I pushed that thought aside and went, no, God thoroughly enjoys the fact that I'm making
breakfast and he thoroughly enjoys me doing this. And he thoroughly enjoys me doing that.
And he, and he just, and he just likes me, I don't know, getting out my favorite tea cup.
And he, I don't know, I would just, it was everything. It was so very important because,
because our book, we can only shift into rest to the degree that we've received that God loves us.
That's the very core of everything. Then after that, what I, what I did is I chose that I, I,
I chose God over a lifestyle. And we've talked about this before. I chose him over a lifestyle.
I chose him over a life. I chose him over my life, looking a particular way now or ever.
And what I chose instead was that was that how would you put it? Was that he, and this is what
I told him. I remember specifically telling him this, God, I choose you. And you're, I choose you
to manifest your character, whatever you are, Lord. I know you say your love. I know you're
saying you're good, but quite honestly, my experience in the way that I've interpreted
my experience, I don't see it. And I don't, I don't believe it. I don't feel it and I don't
believe it. But so I'm asking Lord very risky on my part, because I don't know what you're
going to look like. I am asking and choosing to give up all of my life and what I want it to look
like. And instead asking God, would you manifest whoever it is that you are? And I don't get to
dictate who that is, whoever it is that you are. Will you make that, that thing visible in my life?
Including, you know, and you think of how that it made itself visible in Christ's life in amazing
and beautiful and powerful ways, but also the cross also, you know, the whippings and all of
that. So in other words, it's, it's that kind of a, that kind of a thing that we're opening
ourselves to. And we're saying, God, whatever love looks like, whatever your goodness looks like,
make that happen and manifest and show up visibly in my life. And that is what I want to make up
and to make up my life is nothing but pictures and manifestations of your character.
And and that is, and so that's what I chose and it supersedes. So by that I was giving up my life.
I was giving up my ownership to, um, and my requirement and holding God accountable to
reconcile how my life looked and all of these dreams that I had and all these things I wanted,
including ones that I felt he had given me all of those things. I told him, God, I give up all of
them. And I just want whoever it is that you are to make itself visible. And for that to make up
what my life looks like is just expressions of your loving goodness. Even if it doesn't
feel comfortable, even if it doesn't, um, even if it doesn't feel fun, um, uh, whatever it is,
as long as it's you, um, cause you're more than loving goodness, God, you're all kinds of things.
As long as it's you, God, I choose that that be what makes up what my life looks like.
Um, so, and that helped me, that was the first step in me helping to, to release. In fact,
I think I did do that before I did the whole love thing and enjoy thing, but that helped me to
release, excuse me, release my sense of release, my stranglehold that I had on things. Cause
otherwise I couldn't figure out how to let it go, how to stop holding him accountable.
those things, how to let go of a dream that I wanted so badly. That finally helped me let it go
because I was replacing it with something. I wasn't just like giving it up. I was saying,
I was telling God, okay, God, I'm intentionally choosing that. I want such and such more.
I want whoever it is that you are. And I don't fully know who that is
to show up and make up what my life looks like, as opposed to all these ideas that I have.
And that breaks the bonds of literally everything that you've just told me,
literally everything that'll break it all, all of it, all of it, the money, the meaning like,
you know, the desire for, for replacement of your salary so that you can stay at home. It'll break,
it'll break, you know, this desire of, of wanting to help people, you know, meaning like that'd be
your motivation. There's nothing wrong with helping people. It's wonderful. God says,
it's a very godly thing that comes out of your spirit, which is who you truly are. And it looks
just like God. So he loves that, that, that being the motivation of doing that, you know,
that that's very enslaving because it's, it's something outside of us that we are subject,
making ourselves subject to. It'll, it'll break that. It'll break this, everything that is leading,
that is causing your exhaustion. And, and cause there's all of this other stuff under the surface
that maybe you've been used to dealing with for so long. You, you might not know
that it's exertion. You may have not recognized it as exertion. It's this under the surface.
It's this undercurrent going of, okay, in order, what do I want to do next to my business?
When is my next launch going to be? What are all the things I need to do to prepare for it?
Now I need to actually do the things to prepare for it. I need to find time to do the things to
prepare for it. Meaning that I feel like I have to sacrifice time with my daughter.
I have to do this. I have to do that. When am I going to get the schedule in? Am I going to have
to like, you know, have a bit of lack of sleep in order to do that? Are clients coming in? Are they
not? Then I have to sign them up. And then you know, then I have to start the thing and do the
thing, you know, start the launch, do the launch, you know, not to mention all of these people that
you've interviewed and now you're going to be posting. I don't think you've done that right.
You haven't like posted the interview chat and done that conference. Cause then you're going to
have that, you know, it's all of this undercurrent that even when we're like, Oh, well, no, you know,
I'm at rest. There's all this busyness going on underneath. That's the subconscious stress
of I've got to do things in order for something to happen that in order, I need to get a particular
results. And in order to get that result for myself, I need to do this. And then I need to
do this. And I need to do this. We're telling ourselves God's my source, but really it really,
if we want that result to back too badly, it means that we don't believe that God is our source.
If we want that result that badly. So because when we, when God really is our source,
we don't need it anymore. We, we still want it. We still enjoy it. We still desire it because,
you know, it's a good wanting and desiring are good things born of heaven. Those are good things,
but where we want it that, that badly where it's a problem. If we think that it might not happen
or, or we're trying to, or we get concerned. If ever a hiccup comes while we're in the process
and in the journey of trying to get to that point, I'm trying to see that theme manifest.
Then it means that we don't really believe that God is our source. We believe we have to do it.
And we believe we have to have it. So I was watching that in myself in the conference this
weekend. And, and so I do a touch point every now and then I just kind of catch myself every now and
then. Okay. You know, like, especially whenever there was a hiccup, I think that the first night,
did you watch the first night? Okay. So you know, how, how we started very late,
like at least 30 minutes late, maybe 40, 45, it was very late. And we and, and, and so I had to,
I had to choose, okay, Ashley, you know, make sure that you are, are in rest, not just kind of like,
and, and, and if you're, if you ever cat, because periodically I've
myself, you know, feeling a little stressed, not extreme, but a little bit where I could
recognize them like, oh, there we go.
That's a little bit of stress there.
And I'd be in the middle of like trying to resolve the issue because we were having issues
with the live stream.
We could get live stream, but we couldn't get the link out to anybody.
We were trying to figure out why the link wasn't sending out.
And I wanted to make sure if people were attending virtually that, you know, and they made their
commitment gesture and everything, I wanted to make sure that they got it.
None of this, oh, well, we'll just, we'll just get to them later.
No, no.
Right now, you know, everybody can wait.
We're going to work on this.
So anyway, I'm watching all of this time is ticking by.
And this isn't like five minutes late in 10 minutes.
And we're starting to meet at 10 minutes late.
It's like 30, 40, whatever it was.
And I think and if I could have been, been, I tend to think, OK, what are people thinking?
What are, you know, this looks so unprofessional, what a first impression, you know, what are
they going to think about the quality of what it is they're going to hear if I'm not even
starting on time, you know, or or, you know, just whatever.
And or other people, other people around me that were needing things from me, I don't
know, just whatever.
If ever I felt that rise, I was like, OK, Ashley, you're grabbing a hold of this.
It's indicative of the fact that you think that some result is important, that they had
that they get something out of this conference and that it's up to you and that you and
anyway, that it's up to you, et cetera.
And you can't do that.
You've got to let it go.
And this this you're just here living, you are here being because you and God together
in living life have decided the two of you together, the next activity I wanted to do,
you wanted to do a conference that sounded fun.
And that's why you're here doing this conference.
You're doing it to live between you and the Lord.
And as you live between you and the Lord, it's it's coming that the power of that has
to go out because in spirit there's always movement.
So therefore, it's going to move and it's going to move out.
And people are going to people are going to be affected.
People are going to be touched.
People are going to be are going to experience things because your spirit and God's spirit
is moving out. But it needs to be from a place of you just enjoying the living.
Not you trying to give them something or get them somewhere or whatever, or trying to
help them or trying to create an experience for them.
So I continually had to do that.
I had to do that with the catering.
I had to do that with snacks.
I had to do that with them.
In other words, I'm just I'm just being very real.
If ever it would come up in the in the in the situations that we wouldn't think about,
you know, that I'm trying to create a particular experience for them.
There was a time I got all of these waters for them and for people.
And I wanted to make sure that and disposable cups.
And I wanted to make sure that I had gotten everybody everything just like I had told
them I would. And and so I found myself starting to stress a little bit when I thought, oh,
no, what if I told them that?
But I didn't actually give it to them.
And and anyway, then then it's like they were expecting something and I didn't follow
through. And so I've left them to fend for themselves.
And I'm feeling all that.
I'm like, actually, let all that go.
Stop grabbing a hold of thinking that other people, even you promising them something
in order to give them and wanting them to have a particular experience.
Actually, you've got to let that go.
Their experience is not up to you.
You can desire to give them an experience and between you and your heart with the
father and send that out and send that forth and and try to, you know, get snacks in
order to do that in water and disposable coffee cups or whatever.
But, Ashley, if you are getting stressed when something's not happening, like you got
everything, but you forgot to give it to them or I don't know what, whatever the case
may be, or you left it at the lodge and didn't take it to each of their individual
cabins. So if they need something, then you didn't bring it to them.
And now they have to go search it out themselves, which really affects the experience.
You know, I'm just like we talk myself through all of this.
It's like, actually, if you if you're concerned about that.
grabbing ahold of a result. Let it go again. Let it go. It's not
yours. It's okay. And it's you're free of that. You don't
have to carry that that burden that weight and that
responsibility of a result of whether or not people like
something, whether or not they enjoy it, whether or not they
get something out of the conference, whether they like
the catering option. I had to give that up. I had to give up
whether or not they liked the catering options, whether you
know, whether lunch was late or not, and people were hungry.
Whether things looked professional or didn't look
professional. I didn't have to give it up. And I just had to
get a goal. Where's my goal? I want it to be professional. I
want it to be dependable and reliable. So people know that
when I'm saying something that it's going to happen. And then
and so I got a goal. And that was my intention. And then I
just started living out of that intention. But as far as the
that I had to let go of the result. If it happened, it
happened. And if it didn't, it didn't. And it allowed me to be
a son of God in intending something and then directing the
intention. But without without carrying the but but I could
still I could still live me. Me having intention was me just
living with God and me just being and I had intention. But
even though we think Oh, well, isn't the whole point of
intention the results? No intention is the son of God
choosing to exert his will on the earth. And so I'm doing it
and I'm being it. But the result itself, what manifests as a
result of the intention, that's from God. And I don't need to
connect my intention and my living and my being with a
result. The result does not need to is not what I need to be
looking at to tell me whether or not I'm having the right
intention, or I'm intending strong enough or appropriately
enough. And, or Oh, my goodness, maybe this is evidence of the
fact I'm not even I'm not even making a willful choice. I just
release everything, releasing the fears, releasing anxiety,
releasing the doubt, just continuing to live and choose
and be choosing union with God for everything. So it goes, the
reason I wanted to go into all of that detail is to kind of
give you an idea of that the extent to which I would, you
know, we're in situations, and how we live through them in the
moment, not just preparing for them. But as things come up,
okay, let that thing go. But continue to intend, as opposed
to letting it tell me whether or not I think, well, maybe I'm not
intending right. And I need to do something different. I need
to try stronger. Absolutely not. Just live, just be and just do
and just enjoy. There was so much about the conference that I
thought, Oh, my word, I feel that maybe this is
unprofessional. And there were so many times where, oh, my
word, we usually did not start on time, even though multiple
times I tried to start exactly on time. But in the moment, I
made a choice, because either someone would come up and want
to talk to me about some breakthrough that they were
having, or some question that was really burning on their
hearts. And, or there will be things such as people, not very
many people were in the room yet, and we were supposed to
start. And it was very important to me that people
start hearing the beginning of it. And so I thought, okay, I
could choose to allow them to have the responsibility of the
fact that they missed it. And I can start on time. Or I could
sacrifice starting on time, and sacrifice that what everybody
else might think and how it might affect everybody else's
lives, and make an intentional decision because I will it that
I'm going to wait for more people. And that's the choice
that I made. It's important that we own our decisions, by the
way, it's very important that we own them, that whatever we
choose, that whatever we choose, we only just send a decision
without condemnation. Just because God changes, just
because God teaches us that we should have made that, that
teaches us more wisdom from having made an unwise decision
doesn't mean that we need to experience or feel condemnation
for having made a more unwise decision, own it, own the
decision. This is what I chose. I tried to do what I thought was
reflective of my father's character. And now I'm finding
it wasn't as strong as what something another choice that I
could have made would have been a reflective of his character.
But I own this decision, not that, oh, I'm proud of this decision, this was all me and
how dare you tell me it should be something different.
I don't mean that.
I just mean, I own it.
I made that choice and there's no condemnation in having made and owned a choice that I discover
I could have made a wiser one.
Just know that next time I could have made a wiser one.
God loves us taking him at his word every step along the way, including the fact that
if we make an unwise decision, that we don't have shame and condemnation because God says
there is therefore no none.
So I choose that first.
So at every level, at some point, I'm always having to choose the word of God and he loves
that and he honors that regardless of our action, regardless of our behavior.
At the root of it, he's wondering, did you choose my word?
Because his word is the way he's revealing himself.
His word is him that he's giving us since he's invisible and we can't see him.
What does he give us of himself when he gives us himself?
He gives the word.
So receiving word is receiving the aspect of God himself that he is actually actively
giving.
He doesn't give himself in bodily form.
He gives himself in word that's receiving God himself is receiving word.
So he takes that very seriously and he loves that even if we've made a quote unquote unwise
decision, he's like, yeah, but they were seeking me and they thought that that was my word
and they stood on that and they, and in my word.
And when they realized that it was an unwise decision, they should have made something
else.
They chose my word again by choosing no shame and no condemnation.
I love that.
And I honor that.
That is much more important to me than the decision that they made or their behavior
or whatever.
That's secondary.
The primary is, did they believe my word of what it is I say, no condemnation, et cetera,
et cetera.
So that's a lot.
What are your thoughts?
Well, first of all, thank you for sharing your experience because I totally get that
thought process of wanting it to work out.
And something we learned in the wonderful cult I was a part of was this thing called
intention plus mechanism equals result.
And yes.
And so basically if you have an intention that's strong.
By the way, is tree of the knowledge of good and evil, but go ahead.
I think a lot of their stuff was, but I didn't recognize it at the time.
I mean, some of the tools for you just so that you now know that whole mechanism thing
is a tool.
And if we worship the tour, we think we need the tool.
That's the problem.
We can use the tool.
That's fine.
Intention creates the result, not our God.
So God's word plus our belief makes a breeds the conception of a new being, the new creation
that actually creates something.
So we actually don't need a mechanism.
We can use a mechanism by allowing creation to be part of the creative process, but we
allow it to, so it's not required, but I just mentioned that to you.
So you, if for whatever, in whatever way that this might help, you're more free than that
old formula.
You only, you don't even need the mechanism part in order for, for you as a son of God
to create a result, but anyway, go ahead.
Well, and that's, that's what they teach.
So basically they teach first the intention plus mechanism equals result.
But they're like, if your intention is strong enough, the mechanism will appear.
And so basically they take out the mechanism part and say, intention equals result.
So basically if your intention is strong enough, you will get the result that you're intending
to get because your intention is so strong.
Right.
It's still the knowledge of good and evil because intention isn't built by strength.
That's true.
The knowledge of good and evil, where you're your own source and you have to work it up.
Intention in the spirit is, can be this as small as the mustard seed.
Remember faith, small of the mustard seed, the size of intention doesn't matter.
Authority of the son of God speaking is, is enough.
So intention in the spirit that bring, that brings a manifestation is actually, is actually
authority, not, not strength.
So anyway, you're more free than that.
Well, and I think that's the difference because they were teaching it like it's my intention
and my strength.
And if I can't do it, then my intention is not strong enough, but the way you're saying
it.
Yeah.
And then the, the, so what you're saying is like, you know, as small as a mustard seed,
if we have faith, we have the authority.
authority for our intention to manifest through the Holy Spirit, right? So, so then,
if the result doesn't happen, if we have, like, if I have a really strong intention, for example,
that my intention is I want to have 10 clients come from this intensive, so that I can quit
teaching for a year anyway, and see what happens. And that's my intention. That's what I want.
That's what I'm, and I'm a son of God, so I can make it happen and get the result. But then what
if the result doesn't happen, right? Like, what if my intention is strong, and I do have faith,
and I do trust and it doesn't happen, then, then what? So again, intention,
um, intention, because we're a son of intention, strictly because we're a son of God,
is still operating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. In other words,
it's an isolation and separation from the Lord. Like I intend this, this is what I want.
When we intend something in the Spirit, abiding in God, we're in the Father's heart,
and we're very aware of His heart, His desires, because we're living life together. It's our
conjoined wills, our conjoined intention that manifests something into the earth, and that
propels us forward in life, existence, relationship with Him, whatever. It's conjoined intention. So
in other words, He, His opinion has a weight in the conversation, and depending on our spiritual
maturity, it usually has a vast majority of the weight of the conversation. Think of a 35-year-old
versus a 35-year-old father versus a five-year-old son. If he asked the son what he wants to do,
who, um, who bears more weight as the decision maker in the discussion? Is it the five-year-old
or the 35-year-old? It's the 35-year-old, because even though he's, he's trying to teach his son,
he's trying to offer his son the opportunity, hey, what would you like to do? If the son,
if they live in Seattle, or say they live in, they live in, um, where do you live again? Ontario?
Ontario, okay. Um, if you, if you live, um, you know, say you live in Ontario, and your child,
you know, right now, so Avea, Avea wants to go, if you ask her, what do you want to do today?
And she says, I want to go to Disney World. Well, I'm sorry, we can't. The border's closed.
It's, it's a whole long plane flight away. We can't do it. You know, you, you bear more weight
in the decision making process, but you're more aware of what's going on. You're more,
you're the more mature one, but you did ask her what she wanted, so you gave her an opportunity
to contribute to what was y'all were going to do today, but you bear more weight in it,
but as she gets older, she actually gets, you know, she gets to be a teenager. Finally,
she gets to be an adult, and y'all decide what it is that y'all want to do a particular day.
Then she actually, her opinion bears more, bears more equal weight in the discussion.
So it's the same thing between when us, us and the father. So it's not just strictly our intention
of this is what I've decided that I want, and I'm son of God, so therefore in my power, and God's
given me power and authority to create something on the earth. It's, it's conjoined with the Lord,
just, here's the, here's the picture. I, I drew this in the, in the,
God gave me this in, I think, the second, the second five-day conference online, second five-day
online conference that I did, and then I, I mentioned it in this, in the conference on
Sunday. Anyway, so here we go. So you've got, can, is it backwards for you or right side?
It looks good to me. Okay. Okay, good. All right. So you've got man and woman,
and you see all of these different things, you know, I don't remember what, you know, God,
man, what is it? Oh, yeah. Masculine, God, man, spirit. And then over here, you know,
feminine, bride. So masculine, feminine, God, and his bride, and then man, woman, and then spirit
and waters, which is interesting, because spirit hovered over the waters, and spirit hovered over
You know, so in other words, it was just another picture of two different contributors coming
together to co-create.
So we're very familiar of a man and a woman coming together to create a living being,
creating a living being.
And the man physically, according to his anatomy, we all know, was meant to initiate.
And a woman physically, her anatomy shows that she's meant to receive effortlessly.
However, even though a man initiates and a woman effortlessly receives, both of them
have a contribution.
He has the seed and she also has to supply the seed.
Just because she receives the man, if she does not provide a seed, nothing can manifest.
Nothing can, nothing can, you don't have conception.
So with us, with our, I was trying to see if I, no, I didn't miss anything.
Okay.
Also, fascinatingly, just to carry on with the theme, man is the seed and he plants his
seed in the woman's field.
Woman is the field in which a husband plants his seed.
Anyway, so, but there you go.
Just like God plants his seed in us, and there's that gestation period of something.
When God intends something and he gives it to us, think, for instance, a dream, a goal,
a vision, whatever, or something else.
Something else that's going to be birthed into humanity, birthed into creation.
It's a seed that initially comes from the Lord, but in order for it to actually manifest
as something physically on, in the earth, it has to have our contribution and our seed.
Okay.
So another thing I forgot to mention there, masculine is word.
From God, we have word, and then we provide the faith.
That is how, that is how we receive his word, is word, and then we, and then we receive
it, is our, we have faith in it.
We actually believe it.
Faith is in, we choose it.
And anyway, but then, so if God says it first, and then we choose to believe it, that intentionally,
we intentionally choose to believe it, not lackadaisically, and just kind of very passively.
Would be like a woman receiving a man, but not providing a seed.
Her seed in a way is her intention.
That's what she's bringing to the table as well.
But the father presents first, you know, presents an idea, or not necessarily.
And I, it's not just an idea.
We can originate the ideas.
We can, then we present them to the Lord.
Hey, what do you think?
Just kind of like, you know, between a man and a woman, you know, if they have physical
intimacy, a woman can initiate, right?
One can initiate.
But the point is that, that the two of them have to decide together.
This is what we want to do together.
Otherwise, there's a violation of one or the other's free will.
And in the physical, it's called rape.
You know, if the Lord, the Lord does not like us to violate, you know, each other's, it
does not allow us to violate each other's free will, you know, between us and the Lord.
So even if we come up with an idea, hey, Lord, this is what it is that I would like.
Well, it's, it's a joint decision.
This is what we want to do together.
If it's not a joint decision, and we just decide we want to do it, and we want the Lord
to bless it, that's operating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, which is
where we have to come up with our own life source for it.
And we don't have a life source when we're, when we believe that we're separated from
God and we have nothing to give it but death.
In the Lord, though, in spirit, we have life.
So anyway, we, we, we can come up with an idea, but we have to present it to the Lord
we're married to him.
This has to be the two of us doing this thing together.
Each of us provides a seed, a woman's seed alone cannot impregnate her.
So a man and a, and a, and a, and a woman have to each provide a seed in order for it
to bond and actually manifest.
So that's why people can get very frustrated like, well, Lord, you know, I've intended
something and, and I have faith for it and I'm a son of God.
And therefore I've made this decision.
And, and you said that I could come up with ideas, but if we're doing all of the right
things, you know, intention, and we're, and we believe that we're standing in power and
authority and whatever, but we're doing all of the right things.
it separate from God, not in conjoined wills, then we have to exert all of the, all of the
effort and energy on our, on our own.
And it's 10 times harder.
You can get it.
You can still get the result that you want, but you can't get it by spirit.
You can, you have to, uh, because it's outside, it's in separation from the Lord.
So it's, it's all of this tips, tricks, strategies, business, business formulas, and it's a lot
of work.
So in order to do it from rest, in order to do it from the, Hey God, you know, um, I have
a dream.
I have an idea.
I'd really like this.
What is your thoughts and dreams and ideas about this?
Is this how you and I would like to live life together?
Do we want, you know, 10 clients do we want because of this, because of this, because
of this, whatever, is this what we want to do?
And ultimately though, that's not the choice.
Ultimately if you're, if you're, um, the question that we're really asking the Lord that you're
really asking the Lord, there is God, I want to, I want to quit teaching.
I want to stay at home, DASA, get in your bed, go on, get in your bed.
I want to stay at home because whoops, sorry, I've got, um, these couches swing.
So yeah, they, um, in fact, let me just show you real quick.
So they, they swing way up there.
Love it.
So yeah, it's, it's a lot of fun.
So the, this is two swinging couches and that's another swinging couch, you know, way up there.
Oh, it's really fun.
It's 3000 square feet.
It's like all of these half levels.
It's one, two, three, four, five, six half levels.
It's really fun.
Anyway.
Um, and you have a deck outside and then if you add the other deck, that's the seventh
half level, but, um, so, um, anyway, if we, if we go ahead.
Well, I was just going to ask, cause what's coming up for me when you're talking among
many things is, so what is keeping me from partnering with him?
Why do I feel like I want to do it on my own?
You know, I, I think there's a history of that.
I think I've, because I wasn't a Christian until I was 30, I did a lot of things on my
own and I was able to get where I am on my own to a certain degree.
But then when I partner with God and he came into my life, it was like a whole new level,
but it often took pain to get to the next level.
Yes.
So here I am and I want to honor him and I want to do the things and I want to co-create
with him.
But at the same time, I'm kind of like in that place of being the five-year-old who
wants my way and is like, well, fine, daddy, if you're not going to take me to Disney world,
then I'm going to find my own way there.
And then I pack my bag and leave the house and walk, you know, 10 feet down the street
and realize that it was a stupid idea, but I, you know, but that's how it feels.
It feels like I'm, I know, you know, while you're talking, I'm like, I know that I am,
I am doing this on my own, but I think I'm doing it with him, but I'm not.
So why am I not doing it with him?
Like, why am I scared to surrender this to him?
Because I'm afraid that he, I don't like people having control over me.
I have had people have control over me and it has not been good.
I know God's not a person, however, I think that's, I'm projecting that onto God because
I'm like, I don't want to give anyone control over me again and end up losing myself because
that was pretty horrible.
And I mean, I've had a lot of narcissists in my life.
I was raised by narcissists.
I just went through that whole cult experience.
I don't know that I fully want to surrender because I don't want to end up in a difficult
situation again.
And I feel like if I surrender this piece of me that I might lose myself, even though
I know it's the right thing, because my identity is in him, it's, that's just where I'm at.
Correct.
No, you're absolutely right.
And very insightful as always.
You're very, you're always very brave to face yourself in truth and reality.
It's very, very important.
It's very powerful.
And anyway, but, but yes, it's that that's exactly, that's exactly right.
We take woundings that we have and we project them onto the Lord, you know, father wounds
and mother wounds, you know, father wounds that I can't expect to be provided for protected
or identified and mother wounds.
I can't expect to be loved, liked, or comforted.
And we project those onto the Lord.
And we don't feel safe with him.
And that's why we're not at rest,
because the place of rest is in God.
It's not knowing about God.
It's not loving God.
And it's not wanting God.
It's not thinking kindly about God
and being subservient to him and submitting our will to him,
so to speak.
Yeah, that's complicated.
And it's not those things.
We actually have to surrender completely.
And the degree to which we believe that God loves us
is the degree to which we shift into rest.
So if we're not at rest, that's the degree
to which we don't love God.
Well, I say not love God.
That's the degree to which we're not receiving God's love.
Forget our love back.
Nothing's required in our life that requires our love of God.
That naturally happens.
What is required for certain things in our life
is us being able to receive God's love.
Anyway, so if the place of rest is in God,
and we feel unsafe with him, we're not entering him.
And therefore, we're not entering his rest
because the rest is in him.
And we feel unsafe with him.
So we're not going in, and we're not being vulnerable.
So I talked a lot about it.
I went into a tremendous depth about a lot of the things
that we're talking about today and a lot of other things,
anyway, in the conference.
Dosa, uh-uh, baby.
And there's intimacy.
Intimacy can only be had in vulnerability.
You remember that Adam and Eve were naked?
Well, that was a type and a shadow
in the physical of the fact that they were vulnerable.
Vulnerability is neither a bad thing nor an unsafe thing.
Because vulnerability was always
meant to be covered by the Lord.
And therefore, vulnerability is actually
the thing that's required for intimacy, for closeness,
for abiding.
That is what enables intimacy.
Intimacy is through vulnerability
because there's nothing in between,
meaning fully exposed, one fully in the other,
abiding in one another, where the two become one,
there's no separation, et cetera.
And anyway, but if we feel unsafe with him,
we won't submit ourselves vulnerably to him.
So we have to do that.
And so that exercise about in love affair,
where we sit and we look at Jesus.
And if looking at Jesus doesn't help somebody,
well, then we can always do, if that doesn't help someone,
when like, say, for instance, you can't see God.
Sometimes I can't see God.
Like the other day, I couldn't see Jesus
when I did this exercise.
But what I did was I thought, OK, the important thing
is that I open myself up vulnerably to him,
even if the tool that I'm using isn't working at the time.
The whole point of the tool was to get me
to the point where I was opening myself up to him.
So what helps me and what might help you,
in fact, I know it will, is if you choose to grab hold of it,
it's a very powerful tool.
And that is laying down on the ground
and especially doing it spread equal.
And I know that sounds weird, but it's
very, very vulnerable feeling, very vulnerable.
And you close your eyes, and then you
expose yourself to the Lord, like not just in body.
You can start at your body if you want,
if that gives you an anchor.
But then go deep within yourself, into your soul,
and then just exposing yourself to the Lord,
not knowing what he's going to say,
not knowing how he's going to receive it,
not knowing when what he sees, is he going to be disappointed?
Are you going to, is your soul going to finally
realize that God saw the last thing you wanted to see?
see and kind of, you wanted him to see and come to find out, he really does believe the worst,
the, the things that were the worst fears and that you, that you had about yourself,
that it confirms that they're actually true. You know, that's what you're risking. Now you
won't have those things. Those things actually won't be true, but that's what we're risking.
That's what it feels like. It's, oh, I don't want him to see that. Or what am I going to feel like?
I'm going to, I'm going to feel out of control because I'm letting the greater, the greatest
way that we can allow someone else to love us is to be themselves and to choose to give
it themselves what they want to, to us. And we don't have to say, so we just show up and we say,
God, what, whoever it is that you are, give me that enter me. And, and you know, enter through me
and you don't know what, how he's going to show up. You don't know how it's going to feel. You
don't know the level of intensity and you continue to open yourself up more and more and more. And
whenever you get to a threshold where you feel yourself resisting, you're like, okay, I'm not
moving past this point. That's resistance. Then you realize, okay, I'm feeling unsafe.
And in that place, free fall into the unsafe place, because you will not have a way to convince
yourself that you actually will be safe on the other side. You won't have anything to go off of
and it will feel like you are unsafe and you are casting yourself into the unsafe place.
At a deep soul level. And you are just abandoning yourself to it. Go ahead.
I'm trying to figure out, cause like when you're talking, first of all, I don't know,
I have to clarify this. When you were saying lie on the floor, spread Eagle,
were you talking about with clothes on or not clothes on?
Well, I was talking about with clothes on, but I was going to mention, and I was like,
well, I don't know, Ashley, that might bother her if you take it that far.
I doing it with clothes off would even be more powerful because you feel especially vulnerable.
Yeah. Yeah. And so if you're wanting, honestly, if you are, if you are open to being,
um, what, what would you call it? Um, uh, what's the word open to,
um, pushing, uh, pushing through in the most extreme way. In other words, the fastest,
like taking the biggest risk as opposed to, okay, I'm going to take this risk
and I'm going to cut it into chunks. If you want to do a big leap, then, um, not just like,
oh, you want the result of the big leap? No, you have to make the big leap. If you're willing,
if you want to do it that way, then I would do it with clothes off.
Um, and, and sure. It's, it's very, very scary. Yeah. And I mean,
has to go down into your soul, into all those parts that you haven't even shown your husband,
that you haven't even shown yourself stuff that you won't pull up because you're too afraid that
subconsciously you're too afraid to see it. So you don't even know it about yourself and you're
exposing that to God. And there's reasons why you wanted to hide that from yourself and you want,
haven't wanted to bring it up. And now you're letting God see it. So why, so why does, um,
like how, I think I'm thinking about the how to, like I'm lying there, I'm letting him in,
I'm letting him in, I'm letting him in, which I can do, but like those, like, I don't know how
to keep letting him in. I don't know how to let him go deeper because I'll have thought that I'm
at the depth of what I could go. Um, like I, I faced a lot of parts of me, but there are probably
parts of me that I haven't faced because I'm not fully aware of them. And I'm not talking about
the fact that you will actually, you might, you might have things come up that you think about,
like actually think thoughts that come to mind of realizations of, Oh my word,
this was within year, whatever. I don't, um, those things don't come up for me to face
because God is not usually, especially I choose when I'm in those places, I choose
that God isn't interested in those things and having, and having me face those things and
realize them with my, with my mind. He wants to just, he just wants me to receive them.
And so I
focus just on that. I don't focus on, okay, well, what traumas are going to come up that I'm going
to have to realize, and then I'm going to have to give those to him. It's a lot of work, a lot of
work. It might come up. So if it comes up, well, then that's fine. But mine don't come up because
when I'm submitting myself to the Lord, I'm submitting myself vulnerably to him where it's
just him and me interacting, and I'm just receiving of himself what he wants. I'm not focused on,
I'm focused on what he gives me of himself and making sure that I continue to open myself out
to receive more. I'm not focusing on myself and what he's looking at. I'm always focused on him.
And then as far as you were wondering, well, how do I know if I've gone deep enough? Well,
you'll have more than one time that you'll do this with the Lord, because this is how we're
supposed to always come before the Lord, not just in this exercise. We're supposed to always come
before him. This exercise helps us kind of trigger and become familiar with, oh, this is how it feels
to be vulnerable with the Lord. And this is what it feels like whenever I'm running up against a
resistance, whenever I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable, and then all of a sudden I stop
and I'm hitting a resistance. You become familiar with those, with that environment so that you can
recognize it when you're just reading your Bible or when you're talking to a veil or whatever,
you become more familiar with it. But this kind of isolates you to not think about anything else.
You can kind of get a touch point with it. But as far as how to know how deep to continue to go,
I just go until I just receive the Lord's love and I realize that I'm receiving it.
And then I just decide, okay, do I want to go deeper? And then I decide whether or not I do.
Sometimes that's enough for me. And I'm like, you know what? This is good for today.
This is really good. This is wonderful because God is not always looking at me,
thinking, okay, you did good today. Now, tomorrow we're going to get to this. And then the next day
he's not measuring me by a sense of lack and a sense of how far I've come and how far it's
going to take me till I get the next place. He's not. He's just, where are you right now? And I like that.
It's just now. In God, God only exists in now. There is no past, present, or future with God.
He's in our past, present, and future. But there's no past, present, and future in God. There's just now.
And if we're in God, we're in now. So in other words, all that matters is just right now.
So I'll allow that to be enough.
Like, how do you receive him then? Like, I guess I'm, I don't, like, I could sit here and I could
like open my hands and all of that and receive. But like, I'm trying to figure out the how-to
almost of it. And I know it's not about that, but I'm lying there. Like, what am I supposed to be
thinking, feeling, praying, saying? I don't know. Yeah. None of it. No thinking, praying, feeling,
nothing. The feeling will come over you because it's God's love. What you, so let me see if how,
so you don't do any of it. That's the thing. So to enter rest, we have, we can't do anything
because rest is freely given and has to be freely received. So therefore there's nothing to do. We
can't do anything and receive rest, not think about it, not do anything. So how would I explain
how to open yourself up? Well, while you're thinking about that, because I want to touch on
this while I'm thinking about it too, something that's coming up for me right now, which is kind
of scary is when I was really vulnerable with Kimberly in the cult, which is, she's probably
the person that I've been the most vulnerable with in my recent past, right? Like she had a
way of opening me up completely. And I felt very naked, right? But, and I'm wondering,
part of me questions myself still around that. I'm like, was I, was I scared of that vulnerability?
Was I, was I so scared of it? That's why I shut it down. That's why I ran away. That's why I
just like ended it and ran and sort of had this experience. Is this all to protect me from being
vulnerable? I think what I believe happened with Kimberly is like, and what you did in running away
was like a rape victim running away. That is being vulnerable to someone. And yet you sensed
something was wrong. That was not.
To whom and in the way that you got God created you to be vulnerable.
So, you were acting your spirit was saving yourself, because it knew that it you know the priceless deep down you know the priceless thing that you are.
And you know the priceless thing that God, God gave you and made you to be.
And that is not to be shared with anyone but the Lord.
I'm not saying that you shared things with Kimberly you only should have shared with the Lord not with your husband or anything I'm not talking about that I'm just talking about like at a deep spiritual level because that's what was going on between you and Kimberly
was a spiritual connection and a stronghold in the spirit realm that, you know, and that she was enticing you with and in all of that is what sounds like.
And because of the connections and agreements that she's made, it's, it sounds like maybe, you know, the other side.
And so, anyway, good that was you not subconsciously recognizing that pricelessness that you have and pulling away. So I highly. So I, I urge you as a sister in Christ to not go back and doubt that.
And think, maybe that maybe I was wrong.
I mean I know that you know that you should have left that's not what I know that we're questioning that that you're questioning here is, oh my goodness was that indicative of something bad.
I declare this very very seriously. I declare that know that is was a, a, a very good thing. That was, that was God in using your spirit to protect you and to protect the pricelessness that you were, as opposed to leaving you continually vulnerable
and open to corruption and meaning like being corrupted like like someone like getting into you and and and and like changing the very priceless it not changing touching and violating that's the word I'm looking for, violating the priceless thing that God has
So, I believe that God is taking this, and I'm sensing this in the spirit that God is taking this very seriously, not to go back and then doubt and think that that instant change in your mind, or tribute in your mind, that thing that God is saying no that was your, that was a priceless
action that was being done in God in the spirit to save you, and to, and to twist that into think it to self condemnation and guilt that I would, I was that I was probably doing something wrong.
So I think that God wants to take that very seriously, and assure you that you are not to question yourself about that, that that is that you do not deserve that you just not deserve to think of yourself like that, to think of to think of the situation
like that.
And anyway.
So that.
Does that make sense I think that's extremely serious actually. So you're free from that.
None at all. It makes sense. And I think one of the reasons it's coming up for me is among, like, many reasons around the vulnerability thing because I think you're right.
And then this other person who was critiquing me about the way I look.
And basically saying well you're always all done up you're always this and that was similar to what she used to say about me being a walking Barbie doll trying to show people how to live life and having no idea myself and being a billboard and all that so that
was a parallel. The other parallel was this girl was saying and her name's Amy she was saying that I test her in our friendship which Kimberly used to say to me all the time that I test her.
And she said well Amy went through all the Clemmer work.
And, no, I didn't meet her there I met her through April. She's a mutual friend of ours now.
But she's really good friends with April, and she went through all of the work.
And she's saying the same things as Kimberly.
And Kimberly actually hated her hated Amy, like, hated her she bullied her like she was mean she bullied me but she was like the love hate bullying with Amy she just hated her.
And so Amy doesn't necessarily buy into all of that she doesn't buy into Kimberly but the fact that we're all friends.
We were, they were saying the same things,
made me question myself again around,
was Kimberly right about me?
Because why?
What's the connection, I'm sorry?
That I am a Barbie doll,
that I am somebody who's trying to show people
how to live life when I have no idea,
that I am just somebody who tests people,
that all these things are wrong with me,
and like I have potential,
but right now all these things are wrong with me.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
What's the connection though?
What did you say?
Oh, well, this thing,
it feels like it's affirming or proving something.
How is it affirming or proving
other than the fact she's repeating the same words?
It sounds like you're saying there's something else
that affirmation,
but I'm trying to understand what you're saying.
I, well, then it makes me feel like
I did something wrong by walking away,
because here I had someone in my life
who was willing to tell me the truth,
and I was vulnerable,
but then I pushed her away.
So then it makes me think,
am I just scared of vulnerability because she was right?
And I pushed her away
because I was scared of the rightness.
I was scared of the vulnerability in her,
you know, all of that.
Okay, really big deal here.
Okay.
Alana, you can trust yourself.
You are very wise.
You are extremely discerning, extremely.
And you have no need to doubt yourself.
This whole, you know, this thing of like this,
and I say all this, you know, very nicely.
I wasn't being mean.
I was saying all of that.
It's just like, this is very serious.
I know, I know you are.
Okay, good.
I needed to make sure I was like, this is very serious.
I wasn't kidding onto you.
I was like, that's saying of the Lord.
That was the only thing I was talking about.
I wasn't getting onto you.
I was just like, that's the way of the Lord.
In other words, it's like, there is no, it's so solid.
It can't be questions, kind of a thing.
But you can trust yourself.
So when she's, when Kimberly's saying,
I'm gonna try to say, Lord, please help me.
What I'm hearing is fear, is fear of yourself,
fear that you can't, fear that you can't trust yourself,
fear that you're bad, you know,
fear that all of these things that they're saying
are true and whatever, and that you ran away.
Understand why you ran away.
You ran away because you knew it wasn't true.
You're afraid that you ran away because you were afraid.
And that I was afraid it was true, for example, you know.
Yeah, or that you're afraid of it,
that well, yeah, well, maybe it is true.
However, I would contend that you,
if you thought that it actually was true,
you would not have run away
because you prove it repeatedly by how serious you are
about finding the truth about who it is that you are
and how it is that you're acting
and making sure to do the right thing.
If you, that is what, it's a big driving force for you.
And so I think it actually proves the opposite.
And I do not say that lightly,
that I think that you ran away
because you knew it wasn't true,
but your old habit of doubting yourself
and thinking you're wrong,
you're intrinsically bad somewhere in there.
And so if you ran away,
then what if I was running away from being exposed
and that actually was true and whatever?
That's all of that self-doubt,
twisting the actual truth of the fact that you ran away
because you knew it wasn't true.
If you thought it was true, you would have stayed
and you operate like that repeatedly in life,
repeatedly, that is your default.
Your default is if you think something might be true,
you will, you will.
You will push past the pain and you will endure it however long you have to.
So the fact that you chose instead to escape is proof in my mind that actually, and it's
not just proof in my mind.
I'm not saying all of this like, I'm like, oh, well, all of this is logic and that's
how I figured it out.
No.
I know this in my spirit.
I'm just also pointing out, by the way, you can like see that it logically makes sense,
but I know this in my spirit, that the reason why you left is because you knew it wasn't
true, but Satan wants you to doubt yourself and think, nope, he wants you to take blame
for that too.
You're always to blame.
It's just not true.
You're wise.
You make wise decisions.
You are, you are kind.
One of the biggest struggles that one of the biggest things that makes your life as hard
as it, as it is, is the fact that you don't trust yourself and you, you have permission
to let go of that because it's not true.
You actually are under no, you're no longer under obligation to doubt yourself or question
yourself.
That's very important.
You have to have that breakthrough in a very radical way and you have to choose it.
It won't come upon you.
You were going to have to choose that.
Um, and you have a right to, because God said, so you're, you're not making this up.
You're, you're not one.
This is not that conversation where you had earlier of like, well, I'm a son of God.
And I intended that, you know, I wanted to do this and well, what if God doesn't sanction
if what if that, what if it doesn't happen?
This is not that conversation.
This is the conversation where I was talking about the fact that you and God's conjoined
wills, God speaks word and you receive it.
God spoke this word first.
You have the opportunity to receive this.
This is not something we're making up and we're hoping God blesses it.
It's the opposite.
God said it first.
And he's like, you won't believe me.
If you believe me, you actually get to live it out.
So you have permission to radically choose that you can trust yourself.
Now you try.
Now, now it's important that we trust ourself in our spirits.
We have to be vulnerable before the Lord.
If we go to that other place of, I want this out of life and I'm going to intend it.
And therefore as a son of God, just on my own, you know, just because I have spirit
enough, you know, spiritual authority, then, you know, this thing can happen.
It won't, it won't work.
If we, we have to, we have to choose, we have to vulnerably submit ourselves to him
and choose.
Okay.
Lord, if you say it's true, I'm going to choose that it's true because you said so, and I'm
going to act on it.
I am going to make decisions and I'm not going to renounce them.
I am going to act, you know, unless God himself shows it to you.
Not you doubted questioning and wondering, no, you're like, Hey God, I'm going to submit
myself completely to you.
I'm going to make, I'm going to make decisions.
The first thing that comes to mind, my first, my first instinct, my first, whatever, what
I think is a wise decision before I start analyzing it to the nth degree, the first
one Lord, my gut instinct, I'm going to choose that.
That is really, that that is really me and you can guide me as to whether or not that
was really me, but whether or not it was, I will have no condemnation.
Even if I discover it really wasn't, which most of the time it's going to be, it, it
really was your spirit anyway, not your soul acting out of fear.
It really was you thinking, okay, well, what, you know, where's the character of my God
in this situation and what am I drawn to, you know, out of who it is that I am not out
of fear.
It's something I want to do, you know, out of who it is that I am, what do I believe
is the right decision here?
I'm in God.
I'm committing to you.
I'm going to say those things and I'm going to do those things regardless of risking the
results or what, or what results I'm going to be risking here because I'm casting myself
and gambling myself on you.
So I'm asking you to sustain me and support me in this because in support me by providing
me a safe environment in which to learn that I really am, um, that I really do make wise
decisions in safe environment in which to learn what is really my intention of my spirit
as opposed to the intention of my soul, whose sources fear, you know, and the majority of
the time you're going to discover that it's actually of the spirit.
which is a very good thing, and that should never be doubted. So these are all what, you know,
I talked about repeatedly, absolute reckless abandon. These things aren't small. They're not
little. They're not cute. They're not baby steps. They're very big, and we can't test them.
We can't test them to see if they work. It's all chips in, burn bridges, no going back.
It's that kind of thing. That's the only way it will work.
What does that look like in your life? Like, what would be an example? You know,
you shared a little bit about the conference, but what would be an example of like
that big leap that you made where you burned the bridge and just like
reckless abandon and just trusted fully, and it was super scary?
Oh, I do that all the time, so let me think of one. It's very normal for me now. I mean,
it'll happen with money. It'll happen with a relationship. It'll happen with something.
Oh, man. What is, I'm trying to think of like the best example. I could give you all kinds
of things. The biggest one is when, okay, well, and I've mentioned this one before,
but the biggest one for me, I mean, that I can think of is when everything it is that I teach,
when I started to believe this, especially specifically related to the gospel part,
you know, the fact that I could have no condemnation and I didn't have to be,
I didn't have to operate according to statutes and laws and rules anymore.
I didn't have to say I was sorry, you know, things like that. That was very recklessly
abandoning for me, and when I chose those things, then when I told God, okay, God,
this is who I believe that you are, and I'm leaving all the rules behind.
When before I thought that it was those rules that were keeping me, keeping God from destroying me,
so I was risking God destroying me. Now, somebody else may not have had that same risk,
felt that same risk, but I did. That was mine, and I was risking my relationship with God. I
was risking the fact that the God of the universe might destroy me. I'm sorry to do this. Would you
excuse me for just a second? I just drank a lot of water and tea. Can I use the restroom really fast?
Yeah, absolutely.
Sorry. There we go.
Okay, so anyway, that was mine, and then I found God there. I was risking that I may not even be
hearing right. In fact, I wasn't sure that I was hearing him. I just was choosing to believe that
that's what he was saying.
So what was the thing again? Remind me. I lost my thought around. What was the thing that you were?
The gospel, the belief that, you know, the fact that, yeah, and acting on it. In other words,
leaving statutes, and laws, and rules, and being a good girl, and behaving, and actually starting.
I was risking the fact that if I started to do bad things because I wasn't being so
vigilant in making sure I did them, then was that going to incur the consequences and wrath of God
in my life because of all of the things that I was abandoning and stopping thinking?
about because I was choosing a different gospel.
Not the gospel of laws and rules,
but the gospel of freedom and no condemnation.
And it specifically refers to it as different gospels in,
what was that?
I think it's Galatians.
Yes, I think it was Galatians 5, maybe.
It's either Galatians 3 or Galatians 5.
And it refers to it specifically as a different gospel.
This idea that we make ourselves pleasing to the Lord
by laws and rules, by following laws and rules,
and that it's required for intimacy and relationship
with the Lord.
And Paul said that if anyone, even an angel from heaven,
speaks a different gospel, he said,
may he be condemned or something like that.
So God takes it very seriously.
But I framed my whole world around it
and understand God, if I'm looking at my past experience,
at the time, if I would have looked at my past experience,
that is how God had showed up in my life,
was according to all those laws and rules.
So I had proof in my life that it was right
and that it was the right gospel.
And I was now having to, because if God
says that he's all of this, he says,
you can believe me to this degree.
But to whatever degree that you declare that I am,
that is how I will show up in your life.
I am all of this.
To what degree do you believe me?
Well, God, I believe you to here.
And God's like, then I'm going to encounter you and interact
with you like this, not like this.
So I actually had proof in my life
that he was like this because I had declared him to be so.
So that's how he'd shown up.
So even in my past, I had the proof already.
So do you understand that when I said it was risky,
I was like actually, I was leaving my, I even had,
I was even, it was so risky that I even had proof to back up
the fact that whatever it was I was leaving
was the true thing and why on earth.
And then, and now I'm abandoning myself in faith,
hearing in different gospel, choosing without proof
that it would be right.
That there was something in my spirit
and something in my soul that longed for it
because obviously it longs for what is actually true.
And it was just seeking it out.
And when I abandoned myself to it,
I found out God was there,
but I didn't know for sure if he was gonna be there.
In fact, I didn't believe he would.
I didn't believe he was gonna be there.
I just wanted him to be really badly.
So I told him I was gonna choose it
because the other hadn't worked.
And so it was very reckless abandonment
because there was the, I would push myself
to the point of death in every area of my life.
And I'm not saying that figuratively.
I literally pushed myself to the point
of things like physical death, emotional death,
mental death, relational, financial, professional.
When you say death and all of these things,
are you talking about like in a negative way, like sin?
Like you were purposely sinning
or you were purposely pushing yourself?
Yeah, I'm just trying to clarify.
Yeah, pushing myself to the nth degree,
like where it would create the death of my career
or the death of my reputation
or the death of a relationship or that kind of a thing.
So what did that look like, pushing yourself?
I'm trying to get a visual,
like pushing yourself to that degree.
Like, what would that look like in a relationship
or in your job or whatever, in order to live in this space?
If I had a particular relationship, then I would,
and I believed that God wanted me to say something.
Oh, well, let me come up with something different.
Okay, let me say it this way,
because this would probably just be a clearer picture of it.
Say for instance, I worked for a company
and Doss said, get in your bed, get in your bed.
Up. Sorry, just a second. Get in your bed. Thank you. Go on. Good girl. Get in your bed. Up, up, up.
Sorry, she's being funny. Okay, there you go. Good girl. I'm not wanting her to walk around
here at the lodge. Come on, up. Come on, up. Good girl. Because you're being really sweet,
letting you keep my dog here. But I know I don't want them to have to like clean extra good
so that it doesn't harm other people who stay here who might be allergic to dogs.
So I'm trying to like watch her and make sure she just like stays in her basket, that kind of thing.
But what was I talking about? You were saying like examples, yeah. Okay, yeah. The example,
like say, for instance, I would be working for a business and this is not a real example,
but I did do things like this. I did do things like this. But I'm going to say that I would
work for like a corporation, say FedEx, for instance. And I would be in a meeting
with a lot of people who are much higher ranked than I am, you know, up on the totem pole. Like
it was me and then my boss and my boss's boss and then his boss and his boss and whatever.
And I felt if I felt if they wanted me to do something and the project and it looked
in worldly wisdom, like I was supposed to do something. I mean, like it was wise to do a
particular action and then I need to end and whatever. If it looks like that to me, I mean,
I'm sorry if they wanted me to do that and even in worldly eyes, that's that in the world's eyes,
it would look like wisdom. If I felt that probably not even a hundred percent, if I felt probably
that God was telling me to say no and that I was going to declare that I would do something
different, I would say it. And we're not even talking it was I was for sure it was the Lord.
We're saying it was a probably. I would risk my job, my career, my reputation on things like that.
And it wasn't and so that's one that's one example. But so take that thing and then you can
just go and go down from there and you can go up from there is towards stream because I don't do
anything. Let me let me ask you this like so for example like the last two days I've taken work
off teaching. I feel super guilty. I feel ashamed that I had to take work off because I've been in
such a state. I feel like I'm letting people down. I feel bad like all of those feelings come up
but I felt like God was telling me to rest. I felt like I needed to rest and yet I'm sitting
here feeling like these awful feelings inside that I feel like align with where God wants me
and I'm wondering if this is an example of what does that mean feeling awful feelings inside that
you feel that you know what that God is telling you feeling guilty and shame like a shame that
I'm not at work like I'm not and then God's telling you that you're telling me telling you
that I feel like the Lord was allowing me the space to rest the last few days yes and then I
needed to spend some time just with him or with people who could point me to him and so I almost
liken that to your example because it's like I chose to do something that wasn't right in the
eyes of the world in the eyes of the teaching world in the eyes of my principal and vice
principal right but yet I felt called to do it and they're probably not going to be happy with
me and they're probably going to have their judgments about why I took you know a couple
days off or whatever but this is what I feel I needed to do and so is that an example of what
you're talking about kind of or am I really off um no no no I mean if you felt you know
you did it because you felt the Lord wanted you to and all if you're talking about like pushing
something to the point of risking death of the thing like right is that is that what you're
asking kind of like I'm risking the death of almost like when you talk about your reputation
like what people will think of me the death of possibly you know I can't get fired but
the death of my career at some point you know is is
you know, it's impending almost,
like probably gonna happen.
Letting it go, even like deciding to take a year off
whether I get 10 clients or not.
Like is all of that pushing myself to,
is that an example of what you're talking about
or am I reading it wrong?
Cause I'm just trying to get a grasp on what you mean.
Cause I think it's really powerful,
but I just don't know that I fully ingested it yet.
Well, I'm not saying that what I was doing was right.
I'm saying what I was doing was the extreme.
I was just painting a picture of I'm so extreme
that I'm used to doing that.
And, but my point that I was getting to,
and I'm glad I remember
cause I was like, what point was I making anyway?
The point that I was getting to when I was saying that,
you know, I would push to the nth degree
in areas of my life to the point of death.
The one thing is the, I subjected all of those things.
The reason that I would push myself to the point
of potential death in all of them
is for my relationship with God.
Cause it is, so if I felt that it would,
well, yeah, anyway.
So if I felt that I needed to die in that area
or that thing needed to die
in so that I can continue to have a relationship with God,
then I would let the, I would risk the death
of the other thing in order to make sure
that my relationship with God was never risked.
I would risk everything else
in order to avoid risking my relationship with God.
That's what I'm trying to say.
Well, I got to that situation that I talked about
and that situation I talked about where I was like,
okay, God, I'm going to go into this
and I don't even believe it.
I'm not sure that this is from you.
That was the last thing that I risked
was for the first time I risked my relationship with God.
I risked everything.
So that was the point of my story.
What was that thing?
What was that last thing that you stepped into
that risked that relationship?
The fact that I chose the new gospel
and chose to leave the old one.
And the new gospel, the new gospel being.
The new gospel being, you know,
what we talk about in the wrath of intensive,
meaning the fact that we're one with Christ,
that there is no condemnation.
I mean, like ultimately there is no condemnation, like none.
We don't have to follow any laws and rules anymore
that I actually, I can rest and release.
And as soon as I do, I actually am naturally good
because if I'm operating out of the spirit
and not out of my soul, out of fear,
if I'm operating out of the spirit,
everything I do in the spirit is good and it's perfect,
just like Jesus Christ walked perfect on the earth.
That kind of thing.
In other words, that life was potential
for me to step into.
And meaning that I wasn't gonna be following laws
and rules anymore.
And I mean, like focusing on them.
It's not that I was gonna do bad things.
Now it was that I wasn't gonna be thinking about,
all the good and bad things that I needed to do
and to avoid.
And I was concerned that if I, in other words,
I was abandoning my reliance on knowledge
in order to please God.
And instead I was choosing that it sounded like
in scripture, he was saying, no, believe my word
when I tell you there, everything's done.
Christ had the victory.
There's no more costs.
There's no more payments and there's no condemnation.
And so therefore you can just be because you're enough.
You don't have to become anything.
That was another big part of this gospel
that we're already 100 fold.
We're already spirit.
We're already one with Christ.
We don't have to wait for death for it.
That's what it was.
It was because before I always believed
that I had to do all of the right things
and endure until the end.
If I could hope to,
now I believed that once saved, always saved.
So I did believe that back then,
but still this idea that in order to please God,
I needed to continually do upkeep.
And instead I was choosing to abandon all of that.
So in other words, I was abandoning upkeep.
And now that I've abandoned upkeep,
am I going to fall into corruption?
Is this a demonic gospel?
That's what I was risking.
It was very scary.
So then what does that mean?
Like abandoning the law, abandoning the rules
and just being in the spirit kind of thing?
thing, what does that mean for the way that we work, the way we
do in life? Like, I know it's birthed out of that. But I'm so
in this place right now of, I want to be in that space, I want
to trust the Holy Spirit, I want to surrender, but then I'm still
not sure how to show up. Like, I look at you, and I look at how
His Spirit manifests through you. And I look at the way you
show up. And I, I love it. You know, like, I think it's
wonderful. I, I think, you know, He manifests His Spirit through
you in a beautiful way. And I've told you this before. And, you
know, I enjoy being around that and gleaning from you and all of
that. But I don't know. I don't know how He's supposed to
manifest through me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do
with that. I don't. I don't know that. I don't know that He can
manifest through me in a way that's going to be really like,
I don't know, it just I don't know how to explain it. But it's
just like the things that I do the actions I take. I can kind
of consult and be in the Spirit and be like, Okay, God, what
would you want me to do? And I know He wants me to be the fruits
of the Spirit. And He wants me to be all these things, which I
can be, but I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to
live that out in in like the way that you do in the way that is
just very natural for you. And I don't know that He what if He
manifests the Spirit through me, and it's like, really awful. And
it's not that He's an awful God or anything. But what if there's
something in the way of me allowing it and I'm like,
manifesting it in anger and resentment and all these other
things, but it's really not what He wants. It's just me skewing
it inside. And then that's how it comes out. Like, like when we
talk about not trusting myself, I think that's a big thing. I
trust Him. I don't, I don't, I don't trust myself. So I don't
know if that makes any sense what I just said.
Yeah, no, it makes complete sense. If we don't trust
ourselves, it means we don't trust Him. Because He's the one
who defined us. He's the one who told us what it was that we were
and weren't supposed to be trusting in life that we're now
that we're now creating a standard and comparing ourselves
against. So if we all, everything ultimately comes down
to an accusation against God. And so when I you know how I
often how I always say, you know, we need to believe that
God is who He says that He is to the degree that He says that He
is that and that we need to believe that we are who He says
that we are. That's redundant. I just say that just so that we
have a have an anchor point because I'm reminding people
that, hey, well, we because when we believe that God is who
He says that He is, we will naturally then believe that we
are who He says that we are. It because it so so to say that we
will believe we need to believe that we are who says that we
are. I am repeating what it is that I just said. It's because
that is in the other statement. So everything always comes back
to accusation against God, literally everything it is that
we're living out. That's not of the Spirit is accused is a
result of an accusation against God, because it's an accuser.
It's, it's denying his word. It's denied. In other words,
that whatever he said actually isn't true. And that's why we're
acting in a way that believes the opposite. And so anyway, I
just say that ultimately, that's really what what that
question is. So you're asking like, well, I don't know how to
show up. That's the thing. We're so used to having to work for it
and we're so used to having to try and we don't have to try
anymore. And if we're shifted into the Spirit, shifted into
the Spirit, you'll naturally do and all those be all those
things. Remember, it's called the fruits of the Spirit. In
other words, you already are those things in the Spirit. You
don't have to become those things. You don't have to learn
patience. We do not learn patience. We manifest it, we
already have it, we already have all the love, we already have
goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control,
and the other thing is good to come. And we already have all of
those things. We already are all those things. But our soul isn't
manifesting it because it's resisting our Spirit because our
Spirit agrees with God, and our soul resists God because it's
afraid of him. So it's afraid of our own Spirit too. So we already
are those things. So we don't have to be afraid of how we're
going to show up. If we shift into the Spirit, we naturally
start being effortlessly and there are aspects of our life,
our personality, the tone of our voice, and our words that are
going to start changing. And we didn't even try. We didn't even
realize that we'll be in the middle of it and we'll think
This isn't the way I used to really do it,
and this isn't what I've done for decades.
Why on earth am I doing it now?
Because we shifted into spirit,
that's who it is that we are,
and it's finally getting to manifest itself.
It's finally getting to express itself.
It's all effortless.
You finally find yourself having love,
joy, peace, patience, and all of that.
You remember that you asked me about that student one time,
a few, couple, two, three weeks ago,
about that student who had said something.
Oh yeah, she was upset because another student
had cut in front of her in line,
and you were wondering, okay,
how do I talk to someone in the spirit?
Because I was saying, talk to her in the spirit.
Talk to her spirit, not her soul, not the broken person.
You're like, how do I do that?
Like, what do I say?
And I said, and this is what I always say,
which I know might bother people,
but it's like, when you're in the spirit,
you'll know what to say.
So it's the same thing with you.
It's like what we're talking about here.
It's, well, I don't know how I'm gonna show up.
You don't have to figure that out.
You naturally are the thing.
Right now, we are going through life,
working hard to become something, be something,
act in a particular way, do a particular thing.
And so we're thinking, okay,
now if I'm supposed to change that,
what are the new rules?
What's the new way that I need to,
what's the new force, life force,
or source that I need to grab ahold of
that's gonna now help me be the new thing?
That it's, we're no longer having to try.
We naturally do it and we don't have to think about it.
We don't have to figure it out.
We naturally know what to say.
We naturally feel the right things, feel the godly things.
We naturally feel love for the unlovable.
And we didn't even try.
We didn't have to talk ourselves into it
and remind ourselves, well, Jesus is in them too.
We don't have to do any of that
because we're in our spirit.
So it's how we see everything because we are the thing.
So remember scripture,
whenever it's telling us all of these things,
be these things, do these things,
especially in the New Testament,
Sermon on the Mount,
or the 10 commandments in the Old Testament
and all of that,
all of those things are actually descriptions
of who your spirit is.
It's not things that who your spirit is becoming
or God is encouraging you to become.
The reason that it sounds like commandments
and the reason why it's called,
they're called commandments
is because it's talking to the soul.
But when the soul opens itself to the spirit,
before when it was under the Old Testament
and there were all those commandments,
well, the soul could only be interacted with
according to the law.
And according to the law, you have commandments
because the soul has to work for it
because it's not it naturally.
It's flesh, it's selfish.
The heart is deceitful above all things, et cetera.
But in the spirit, you're perfect.
In your spiritual heart is not deceitful above all things.
So now that we're under the new covenant,
now that we've chosen it,
if we continually choose to operate by it every day
in the decisions that we make,
and we live in that place
instead of like shifting down to the soul,
if we choose continually to shift in the spirit,
we get to benefit from all of the ways
that we live in life from the spirit.
And all of that's effortless.
We don't have to do or become anything.
We just live and allow ourselves to be,
to do and say out of what comes naturally
and everything that comes naturally from spirit is good
because the nature of the spirit is good
and righteous, et cetera.
So these are questions that you don't even have to answer
because you do them.
You'll just do them.
You don't have to learn how to do them
and then have to follow the rules.
You'll be it and you'll do it.
And you'll be like, oh, this is what I'm doing.
This is how I'm living.
This is what it is.
Apparently this is what it is
because this is what I'm doing.
But when we're in the soul,
we have to be in the soul.
It has been out of flesh
and we tend to make wrong choices.
But that's why the soul had to try
and had to learn all of the things
it was supposed to do instead and then try for it.
But all the things the soul has to try for,
the spirit does all those things naturally without trying.
It's good naturally and it cannot do bad.
It's impossible for the spirit to do bad.
Impossible.
Your spirit, it's impossible for it to do bad.
too bad. It's in Christ. Christ will not be united with anything that's corrupted and anything that's
sinful. Sin cannot abide in sin, you know, so 100% guaranteed throughout scripture repeatedly
it, you know, it's impossible for you to do anything wrong. Impossible. So anyway,
we have to choose, though, in order to shift into the Spirit, which is in God,
we have to fit, we have to make ourselves vulnerable and choose to be safe, choose to
find our safety in God and he'll prove himself that we're safe, that we're safe with him.
That's the only way we can operate out of the Spirit. We can't operate out of the Spirit without
intimacy with God. We can't operate out of the Spirit without being vulnerable because vulnerability
gets us, gets us in God, so to speak. We're already in God, but it helps us shift in our
consciousness into it and it's from God that we operate out of the Spirit. We can't operate out
of the Spirit outside of God, so if we're not vulnerable, we can't have access to our own
Spirit. The only way we can have access to our own Spirit is to be vulnerable.
So then the vulnerability, like you said, you know, lie on the ground and all of that, like I'm
I'm trying to figure out, and I know again it's trying to figure out, but it's like I want to land
on what it is I can do to just be vulnerable and I don't, I don't know that I fully understand
how to be vulnerable. Actually, I didn't understand what vulnerability really was. I ended up
putting a question into my group recently and I said, what does being vulnerable mean to you? And
I got like 70 or more answers, which was great because I got to see, because I'm like, I have
such a skewed idea about vulnerability. I, I've seen myself not vulnerable at all, terrified to
be hurt, protecting myself with like a fortress around me, all the way to the other side of what
happened in Clemmer when I was so vulnerable and it was like brutal. And I thought vulnerability
was disclosing everything. But I don't think I have a full, even though I got all the answers,
which was amazing, I don't think I have a full idea of vulnerability besides it is kind of like,
you know, asking for help, being real and sharing the parts of you that you feel are not enough. But,
but other than that, I don't really know what it means to be vulnerable with God in a safe,
healthy way. Well, the,
I'm going to think of how to, how to articulate that. Something you said
struck me, but I don't remember what it was.
Okay. Let me think about it just a second. How to, how to maybe articulate it.
You allow him to come in. Okay. Think of it. Okay. So give yourself, give yourself some like
mental tools here. Think of like a, like a door or something inside where, wherever you feel
the most vulnerable. If you, if it's like, if you feel the most vulnerable in your stomach
or if you're feel vulnerability in your chest for me, I fill it in my chest,
but some people fill it in their stomach. So wherever, wherever you feel vulnerable,
I feel it here. This is the place I want to protect. Some people want to protect this,
you know, spiritually, you know, the, the, that, that makes them feel uncomfortable.
This makes me feel uncomfortable. So, so imagine wherever that is, you know, think of it like a
door. And then when you're lying there and you're lying there, you know, think of,
think of the fact that, that, that, that door is on your, is on your chest.
And then while you're lying there and that you, you invite God to come and then you,
and you open it. And, and if you need to, you can feel as if it's like opening yourself all the way
up like that. What's really going to help is the fact that you are spread Eagle in the fact that,
especially for a woman, it makes us feel very vulnerable when our legs are apart.
You're in, your legs are going to be part because it's spread Eagle. So that already is going to
help because you're, you're triggering things that already make you feel vulnerable. So if you're
that already make you feel vulnerable. And then in that place, in that States that you're used to,
that we're used to triggering our vulnerable, our feelings of vulnerability in the physical.
It's going to go down into the metaphysical as we open it up, because we're already being
triggered in the physical, in the metaphysical, it's going to mirror and so as you open up
that trap door or that, you know, that door, you know, saying, God, you know, you can,
for me, I don't tell him, okay, God, you can see everything.
I just, I, I, that didn't really, I don't know.
Like I said, that doesn't play into what I'm not asking.
I'm wanting to do this effortlessly, and so I'm not wanting to belabor what he finds
in there, the specific things he finds in there and the traumas and what needs to be
brought up.
And so I have to think about it and I have to remember it and that's too much work.
I don't, I don't do that.
I just, I just opened myself up and, and then I just say, okay, God, I don't tell him he
can come in.
I draw him in and so I imagine him coming, not, I don't imagine a physical form.
I, I just, I imagine just this, I just get the sense of, of, of God, this, this being
this cloud, this, whatever, whatever comes, whatever comes to your feeling, you don't
have to think about it.
In fact, try as much as possible to not think and just feel your way through it.
And which was very helpful for me because I tend to think when I logically work all
this out.
And so it should probably be very helpful for you.
You know, you'd like to think, so just stop thinking and just feel your way through it.
Rely on your feelings and not on your thoughts because your thoughts will get in the way
because we're used to relying on them and we need to stop relying on a crutch outside
of God.
So, so anyway, so you just, I just kind of opened myself up to him.
I get this sense of God and then, and then I, and then I imagined him coming this, this
like cloud or, or whatever.
Again, I try not to give him like a human form because then that, that, that really
kind of messes me up and I'm like, well, and it doesn't feel like I'm taking him in because
then I start thinking about physics and I'm like, yeah, but he can't fit in.
And so I just think of this like spirit, whatever I think of spirit, you know, and it comes
in and then, and then I start to and then I start to feel that vulnerability at a deeper
level because, Oh, he hit it.
And then I'll find, I find me starting to push back a little bit.
So I've let him in and then I start, and I start pushing back at a certain point.
And then I have some, uh, Ashley opened that door and let him come in more.
And so every time you find that, a feeling of resistance where you're not where you realize,
okay, I've hit kind of like a little, a floor, then how do I open that floor again?
That floor is resistance.
How do I open it up?
Another floor?
Good.
Think kind of through your sort of kind of through your six tools and the fact that it's
like, let go, whatever you're doing, stop, no judgment, but it should be something different,
you know, choose, um, no shame, no condemnation, you know, whatever.
And just, and let it go, tell yourself whatever you need to, to finally get yourself to stop
doing what you're doing.
Um, and, and then that will, by the stopping, you'll be letting go, you'll be releasing.
Um, that, yeah, that's the, you know, is that helpful?
Yeah.
And then, so it does, it is helpful to have a visual.
Cause I was like, I don't know, like there, there was something missing cause I was trying
to figure out how to do it.
And, um, and I know that it's, it's supposed to be a natural thing, but sometimes when
it's new, it's like, we need those tools.
Right.
So I'm letting him in and I'm feeling all of those feelings and it's really good.
Um, so just doing that will help me experience more of his love and will allow me to live
more in his spirit from a place of being just by doing that, it's just going to transfer
over into other things because I do that every day or every however often, I don't know,
it's like, I know I'm looking for a formula and I know there's no formula, but it's like
just doing that allows enough of a transformation to actually live in the spirit more.
Um, well, what it's doing is by doing that, you're breaking down the resistance that you've
built against entering him.
But then there's an added measure of then choosing.
of it can, just doing that, you can realize, oh my word,
you know, in this exercise, oh my word,
I'm in the place of my greatest fear.
I thought I wasn't safe here,
and I'm finding I am not only safe,
I'm finding that without words to articulate it,
and don't try, don't try to articulate it,
I highly recommend don't try to articulate it,
allow it to just be, it will be more powerful that way
than trying to put words to it,
because sometimes putting words to it,
yes, sometimes those things can be helpful,
but sometimes all it does is it just limits,
it limits the experience and the power
that we allow it to have over us.
So when, so there, so you do that,
and so it's gonna teach you more and more,
oh my goodness, in the place of my greatest fear,
I'm actually, I'm voluntarily putting myself there,
and I'm finding that I'm actually safe.
I was afraid that I wouldn't be safe,
and I'm actually finding the opposite,
I'm finding this is the safest I've ever felt.
I thought I would lose my identity in him,
but instead I've found it.
We find all the opposites are true,
but we're not articulating it to ourselves,
we just kind of feel that everything's fine,
everything, like in that place we're like,
God, I'm just experiencing you,
I'm just, I'm just, that's the best word
I can think of to describe it,
God, I'm just experiencing you,
and I'm feeling, and it feels like everything's okay,
everything's okay about whoever it is that you are,
which I'm not thinking about right now
in English words about what that is,
everything about you, whoever it is that you are is okay,
for it to be that way, and I'm not scared,
everything about myself is okay, and I'm not scared,
and I know finally who I am, and I don't have words for it,
all I know is I feel like there's this weight in me
that can't be moved, and I'm solid, and I'm sure,
and this is me, I found the place of my identity,
I found the place where I'm joined,
I found the place of my, of the origination of my existence,
and anyway, so, and we think, I found, I'm safe,
that's what I feel like right now, I am safe,
then, then from that place, we have more courage,
not having changed any of our behavior,
all we did was went through the exercise, right,
all we did was make ourselves vulnerable to the Lord,
so we didn't change our behavior,
we didn't do something amazing and grandiose,
we just made ourselves vulnerable,
and we found that place where like, oh my word,
this is where I've existed, and I didn't know it,
all we're doing is we're shifting our consciousness
into the fact that we already are in that state,
we're finally allowing ourselves to experience it,
but our spirit's already there,
in fact, our spirit is already there to a deeper degree
than we're actually letting our soul experience
in that moment, because we're just able to do it
to a certain measure based on how far we can go that day,
but I think, oh my word, this is where my spirit already is,
and so once you realize, okay, I didn't have to change
in order to experience this, I didn't have to change
in order to have this of the Lord,
I didn't have to be something different,
now, I feel safe enough to risk, to choose that God
I want you to manifest yourself in my life,
manifest your character into my life,
however, your character is to the degree that it is that,
and forget my lifestyle, Lord, forget it,
forget what it is that I want, I forget what I want,
meaning like I release ownership, it can all go away,
it can literally truly all go away,
not like, oh, it can all go away,
but I really hope it won't, no, it won't work,
God, you can take it all, not, oh, you could take it all,
you know, Lord, you know, if you really have to,
won't work, God, you can absolutely,
I am telling you and I am point blank giving you permission,
you can take away everything on my word
right here, right now, but I ask that the only reason
I'm doing that, Lord, is because I am saying,
what it is that I'm saying is I'm not giving this up, Lord,
what I'm saying is I want you instead,
that's what I'm doing.
I want you and who it is that you are to the degree that you are that to manifest in my life.
And it has permission to you as the good, as the giver, where everything that you give is always
about you and not, and you expressing yourself and not about me. I give you permission. And,
and I ask you, I, it's not just giving you permission. Like I'm just going to lay here
and go, okay, well, God, you know, just do whatever you want. That won't work
because that has no intention in it. It'd be like, God, no, I am actively choosing and asking you
and inviting you and pulling God, make that thing happen. And this is not passive Lord.
This is active. Make whoever it is that you are to the degree you are that make that manifest in
my life. And it can show up however you want. And it can show up as the opposite of what it
of the dreams that I presented to you this far, whatever you want, that will change everything.
It changed me when I did it. I literally made that choice and I gave up what I wanted about
literally everything in life, everything, no matter what I had to live out, no matter if I
had to live out what it is that I thought was I hated the most or whatever. So what you're seeing
that you like about, about my life, about how I, how I act, you know, how you say that I show up,
maybe you, maybe you admire and want the type of life that I, this type of lifestyle that I have
in the fact that I'm, I'm teaching and I'm coaching and people are asking for my services
you do know that I didn't get this until I said the other, that I was in the position that you're
in until I said the other, and I gave up everything. And then God's like, okay, the way
that my character will manifest will, it will develop over a long period of time, actually,
but eventually it will manifest and what it is that I'm living now, but what it is I'm living
now, isn't stable. It's continuing to change. One of the things that I'm doing here in this lodge,
the next few days is the next several days, past few days. And I was, in fact, I was doing it this
morning. I woke up early this morning and about three in the morning and couldn't go back to sleep
three 30. I went to bed at 12, woke up at three 30, couldn't go back to sleep. So guess what came
to mind because I was relaxed all of a sudden, all of these things for the ministry and where
the Lord might be wanting me to, where the Lord and I together might, what we might want to do,
cause he was, he and I were kind of talking about it in my spirit. All of a sudden I just got this
flood. So I, I wrote it all down, you know, and so it took me probably like, I don't know, over like
an hour, two hours, three hours. I don't remember how long. And, um, but so it's morphing and it's
changing, um, to other people who, who want this and who desire, this might look nice. I didn't
know that this is what I was going to be doing. I did want this, but, but I had to, I had to give
it up. And I thought that I wouldn't get it. If, when I gave it up, I was like, you know,
I bet you I'm not going to get it. And I gave it up under the circumstances and under the situation.
So, um, but once I didn't need it, God's like, okay, now you can have it. That's why that that's,
that's what it is that I'm living right now. I'm living something I don't need anymore. I used to
need it, but now that I'm in it, I, I don't, I mean, um, before God gave, before God had me
live like this and, and, and the way that he and I, um, in our relationship manifests into reality
in the way that it currently looks like to other people. Um, this, um, uh, sorry, I don't remember
how I started the sentence, but anyway, uh, that I didn't, um, this, this develops and I didn't get
it until, and it didn't develop until I didn't need it anymore. And then God's like, okay, now
that you didn't need it. I mean, now that you no longer need it. Now that you just focus on me
and the two of us living life together, what do we want to do? And how do we want to build it?
And I get to have a say so too. And I'm very excited that you're not wanting to live life
all on your own. And I get to make some of the decisions we get to do this together.
And I get to make the plans come true because I'm the one who creates all the results,
but we both provide intention and you provide ideas and I provide ideas and we just do this
together. So now that, that this is what it is that you need, Ashley, now it'll manifest in all
of these other ways that you used to think you needed in order to feel good. But now that you
feel good because you're with me now, we can do all these things. Um, but, uh, but I'm, I'm,
what it is I'm living out even currently, I don't need it. It's not like, Oh, I don't.
didn't need it. And now that I'm in it now, now I, now I need it again, you know?
And so I finally got it back, but I had to go through a season, you know,
where I didn't need it and I proved it to God. And then he was like, okay,
see, she doesn't need it now. I'll give it to her.
And then I start grabbing onto it again. I can't,
God continually reminds me when I'm starting to grab a hold of something,
because I really like it. Um, a relationship, um,
uh, my business looking a particular way.
He had me face all of this last November that I went to my business to look a
particular way. And God's like, and I was like, God, it's just fine.
The way it is. And God's like, no, it needs to change. And that, and that,
that was a very hard, um, so, uh, three weeks. Um, and, um,
I was, I was grieving a bit, um, that it had,
that my business had to change and ended up changing and just what it is now,
which is amazing. But I didn't know,
this is what it was going to look like when I told the Lord, okay, I'll, uh,
you know, if you, if we, if you say that we need it to change,
then I'm with you on it. We live life together.
I choose it out of my own free will,
not out of a servant's attitude of obligation.
I choose that this is what we're going to do because I love you.
And this is what you want to do. And I think it must be good.
And therefore here we go.
Only I'm blind and you're not because you know where we're going and I don't,
but I'm still choosing it in my own free will. And here we go.
And then over the next several months, it morphed into this,
but I have gone through so much questions and what on
earth is my doing and what's going on and am I doing it right?
And not everything that I chose was right.
And there, there were, I made, um, I made some unwise decisions,
but I didn't know that they were unwise until I made them.
And then God showed me after the fact, yeah, actually, you know,
next time don't do that because I'm like, oh, okay.
But no shame and no condemnation. So I'm like, okay. So now I learn, you know,
something more about my father. That's the whole point.
We're not learning how to be, how to be good.
We're learning more about our father and how to look like him.
So there's no good and bad anymore. It's just strictly, okay, well,
not to do that again. So God wasn't condemning me and saying you were bad.
It's just like, no, no, actually that's not what I look like.
So this other is how I look like, like, okay, well, I want to look like you.
So let's do that. I'm seeking for where he is and what he looks like.
And he's with me on the journey.
I'm not abandoned and alone to have to figure it out. You know, he's showing me.
So, um, that's how I got to where, to where I am. Um,
I know that you're seeing me in this place, but you know, I didn't,
I'm the only reason that the way that I,
that I'm here is because I've made all of those choices.
And I made those choices when I did not know this is where I was ending up.
And I continually make choices,
giving up things where I don't know where I'm going to go.
I don't know what's going to happen. Um,
but I have to choose him and I truly have to give up my life to give up what I
just, I wanted. And the fact that I wanted everything that you talk about,
Ilana, I, you talk about, oh, I went this and I went this and I wanted to let go
of them. I don't want to teach anymore.
And I want to be able to do this full time. And so I'm going to give, um,
I'm going to give a, um, I'm going to require that I have 10 clients.
And if I get 10 clients, we'll need to do that. I did all of that.
Only mine wasn't teaching. It was business consulting and, um,
it was all kinds of things, you know? And so the, um, uh, I,
I, I do know, and I made,
I gave it all up and I chose. So in a way,
it's like I chose that it wouldn't happen that. So if you, if you,
if that helps kind of grab a hold of the idea of
what it means to, to, um, give up ownership. I,
in a way you're, I'm letting go of it,
but even happening, not letting go of the fact that, okay, well,
God, it may not happen when kids technically that's what you're doing.
You're letting go of the fact that it may not happen because you don't know
what God's going to do. But when you let it go,
we have a tendency to still hang on by a thread.
If we have an idea in our mind, you have it. God might still give it to me.
So I have to give it up and say, okay, God, I give up even doing it.
Yeah. Well, and that,
that's powerful because I was thinking that with my friend and her daughter,
even like she has to let go of the fact that her daughter is going to come back.
Um, I,
if I'm not fully letting go and letting this just be buried in the ground,
like a little seed, that's going to grow into what God wants it to grow into.
I will continue to try to make.
work out. I'll like help God. I'll be like, God, this is
great. I think I know your plan. I'm just going to help it along
a little bit, make sure that it all works out the way you want,
because I think you need my help somehow. And so I will, like
that 10 people thing, if I say, Okay, you know what, it's not
going to happen. And I'm still going to do what I'm doing. Even
if nobody wants to work with me, I'm still gonna spend the money
on the advertising and bringing people in and blessing them with
this work, blessing them with the tools and how they can grow
closer to God and experience his love and all this stuff. And
nobody is going to sign up with me, nobody's going to be my
client. Um, then I'm free, right? It's like death of a
vision. I was just teaching on this yesterday, like, death of a
vision is really just letting it go. It's almost like I was
thinking about Abraham and Sarah, and their, you know,
promise of having a baby and him being the father of the
nations. And then it was 25 years until it came about,
right. And so I'm like, they, they really just had no idea.
Now, what they did is they took matters into their own hands.
And look how that turned out. There's still a war today,
between, right. So I'm like, okay, how do I believe God and
not take it into my own hands? As soon as I take it into my
own hands, I'm gonna end up trying to mold it into what I
want. And God's like, just leave it and let me do what I'm going
to do with it. But I'm still going to try to mold it. I'm
still going to be in this space of if I get 10 people, I get to
take the year off. I mean, I could take the year off. I don't
need to get 10 people to take the year off. I don't even know
why I created that. It was just some number that came up. And
I'm like, that'll give me God will give me a sign. If this
happens, it'll be a sign. Well, he's given me signs before that
I took a signs and they weren't really signs. I just made made
them into signs. So that's what I wanted. But it's not really a
sign. Like if, if I'm really gonna trust him, I might just
get to take the year off teaching and be like, okay,
let's just see what happens, right? I'm not bringing in that
income. But I know that if I continue to just like, hold on
to it happening, then I'm never gonna let it go fully. I'm never
going to be in a space of still doing what I'm doing, because I
love it. Not because I want to go surprise my husband and say,
guess what, honey, I got this many new clients because I don't
want to disappoint him. Now. I don't think he'll be
disappointed. He gets it. But I don't want to have to go to him
and say it didn't work. I don't want to have to go to anyone and
say I tried so hard and it failed. Right? God didn't bless
it. I was wrong. I don't want that. So I'm trying to be right.
I'm trying to make it work. And then I'm stressed and tired. And
it's like, I want to get out of this. But I'm so scared of
giving up this purpose, giving up what I want, giving up what I
love. I don't want to give it up. It's like, it's like
sacrificing your child, right? Abraham and Isaac, again, the
Abraham story is coming up a lot. It's like, he had to go up
there. And when he was willing to do that, which I don't know
how you did that. Like if it was my daughter, oh my gosh, like no
way. It's almost like that. It's like sacrificing. That's probably
why my friend's daughter comes to mind a lot. Because it really
is like sacrificing that and knowing that you might not get
that person back, right? And, and it's hard and it's scary.
And it's, it's an awful feeling to bring your child up on there
and like sacrifice them. Right? That's what it feels like for
me. It feels like it feels like someone's asking me to take her
up on a mountain and sacrifice her.
Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Because it's so deep within you. It's
not the business, this question, and what you're
struggling with is not the business. It's not the fact that
this business is so important to you and all that. It's much,
much deeper. It's the fact of what this business will mean for
you, what it will, what circumstance it will trigger, or
security, it will trigger or whatever that you can then have
that can make you feel comforted, you know, purposeful,
protected, valuable, significant, worth, you know,
being here on the earth, I don't know, you know, just whatever,
and whatever we might attach to it. It's much, it's much deeper
than all of that. It's just the business that
is being used as it is the way that you have visualized
this deep need.
And so it's like, oh my goodness,
the business, even to you, that's not the point.
The point is what you think the business can give you.
And that's the need that we have
and that is what we have to give up.
Now, yes, the business, whatever.
So when you're talking about the fact that,
well, a couple of things.
One, when God gives us a vision or a dream or whatever,
then it's like him giving us a seed,
but we have to let him, he's like, oh, here's the seed.
Well, we have, he's like, this is gonna bring
something very special.
It's going to reap amazing results,
but it has to go into the ground.
You can't have it yet.
So we have to give it back to him.
We can't own it.
Remember, in order to have it, we can't own it.
We have to always keep our hands open
in that river of the spirit, open.
They can't be, they can't ever close.
They have to stay open all the time
in order for us to experience the river.
As soon as we try to close it,
you can't grab a hold of water.
And so there's nothing left.
So in other words, when we do this, it's death.
Because that's, you try, we're stifling,
we're strangleholding, we're stopping.
Spirit in life is movement.
Death is rigidity and lack of movement.
So anyway, we have to let the Lord plant the seed.
So he gives us the seed and shows it to us.
This is what is coming.
But you don't know what it's gonna look like
because seriously, does the seed look like
anything like the later result?
No, not even close.
So we can't think, oh, okay, well then,
you know, God, why can't I have it yet?
Why can't I have it yet?
That's like, this isn't it, just a second.
You know, and then it's gonna go down into the ground
and it has to die.
God says that a seed, when planted into the ground,
has to die first.
Not be hidden, not be quiet, not be quietly growing.
It has to die first.
In other words, zero life.
Where, remember Jesus, he died on the cross.
It didn't look like he was coming back.
I mean, like if the man who has been raising people
from the dead, if he dies,
now who's gonna raise him from the dead?
I mean, seriously, you know, if the miracle worker dies,
who's gonna perform his miracle, you know?
So anyway, the seed really actually has to die.
Not be quiet and wait patiently for it, you know,
but it's still there, no, gone.
Where death, remember that it doesn't look like
there's any hope after death.
And the only thing that we can hope for after death
is the fact that, I mean, hope for now,
even though we had death,
huh, sorry, it's creaking because of the wind outside.
Even though it had death, the way that,
what gives us hope that there is something after death
is what is the fact that Christ died
and he removed the sting of death.
The sting of death was lack on the other side of death.
But now that he removed the sting of death,
after death, there's always life, always life.
There's no more death with lack on the other side.
Now, death, so to speak, is not a state.
We just die, but there's no death.
There's no state of death.
There's just, there's just dying,
which is just like this passing.
Excuse me, this passing.
Think of like a waterline, like between air and ocean.
Well, the waterline you can think of as kind of like dying.
It's just simply moving from water to air,
but it's not a separate state that's not water
and it's not air, it's like this other thing.
No, it's just, you're in water and then you're in air.
But when you pass from the water into the air,
the boundary where the water and the air meet,
that's dying, that's death, but it's not a state,
it's not a place, it's the term of a transition.
And that's what releasing is.
When we're letting go, we're dying.
Anyway, so it's required to die,
but there's always life on the other side of the thing,
but it has to look dead first.
And we're so used to associating bad things with death.
We're so used to associating,
there's no life on the other side and it's all gone.
and we're never going to get it again. So it has to look like that first. Then after a while,
you know, the Lord can give it back to the Lord after it dies. Then it starts growing
after a while. It starts growing, but it's hidden for a while still, even its growth underneath the
soil. And finally it starts popping up and oh my goodness, we get excited. We can't do anything
with it yet, but we get excited. And then he'll let us start partnering with it,
watering it, fertilizing it, and whatever. We can't do anything with it yet, but we can't like
reap any harvest from it yet. But now we get to participate in it. Now we get to participate in
its germination and in its growth. And anyway, so that's that. The other thing that I was going to
say was, okay, so you know how you were talking about, I'm trying to figure out how to word this
to you and so that you know what I mean. So that you don't hear what I'm not saying.
And you know, you're talking about, okay, so I need to die to the results
of the business of what comes out. You know, oh, am I going to get a client? I'm not going
to get a client. You know, I'm just going to keep doing it. I'm going to keep pouring money
into advertising. When you go to this, when you go through this process of choosing,
when I'm talking about what you need to choose,
okay, you can do it. How would I word that?
Well, no, no. What it is that you're actually choosing is you're choosing it.
You're not giving up the results. You're giving up your business.
You're giving up your business. You're giving up your leading teaching. You're giving up your,
the relationship you want to have with your husband. You're giving up
Avea's growing up and developing and becoming whatever it is that you know,
you have in your mind and your spirit that she's to become and how you want to be part of that.
And what you want that to look like and the type of environment that you and your husband
are seeking to provide when you're making this choice, you're, you're, you're giving up your,
um, uh, your relationship with your parents. You're giving up your relationship with your
husband. You're giving up your relationship with child. You are giving up everything.
Now it doesn't mean you're going to run away. I'm not talking about that, but I'm saying in the soul
you were giving all of it up so that whatever God tells you, it needs to now look like,
and what you now need to do. You're, you're saying you'll do it. If he tells you to,
to literally pack your bag and walk out the house, then you'll do it. He's not going to tell
you to do it. I'm saying internally that trigger of panic and desperation and no, surely God, that,
it's to that level. It's very extreme. So when I talk about, you know, the fact that you give up
the lifestyle and idea it's in every area, it's in everything it's in what it is you want and who
it is you are. And all of the tendrils and all of the places that those tendrils have, have reached
and are sitting in and grabbing ahold of is giving up all of that and saying, God,
I have all of this idea in my life of what I want my life to look like in these various areas.
It's all gone. God, I, I, I die to it. I give it all up to you. Now you, I'm asking that you come
in. I'm choosing you instead. I'm choosing you instead of a life. I'm choosing you instead of
what my life looks like. I'm choosing you instead of where I want anything. I'm choosing you instead
of everything good that I think you need. I'm choosing you instead of what I want. I'm choosing
good that I think you, you want me to everything good that I think you want me to be and what
everything good that, and everything righteous that it should look like when I act, I'm giving
it all up Lord. And I'm asking that you, in other words, you're just saying, all you're saying is
I'm, I'm letting go of my ownership. You can do whatever you want, Lord. I'm letting go of your
ownership. Um, and remember without holding onto any hope that he's, that you're still going to
get to keep it because if you're still holding onto a hope that you're going to get to keep it,
it's not all chips then there's still this whole thing of like, Oh, well maybe, you know, and it's
that desperate because all you're doing, you're not just giving things up. What it is you're doing
is in.
Instead of choosing this, you're choosing this.
In choosing this, you're giving this up.
So it's not a, Lord, I'm giving this up.
No, no, no, you're saying, God, I'm choosing you,
that by default, that's giving up.
I'm just highlighting what it is you're doing over here
so that you know whether or not you've chosen God
to the fullest extent.
If you've chosen God to the fullest extent that,
hey, God, you can manifest who it is that you are
to the degree that you are that in every area of my life
and have that be made visible.
If you're choosing that to the greatest extent,
you are giving up on ever having,
on ever, not maybe, on ever having any of the things
that you've wanted and that you thought were important
and that you thought held body, soul,
and spirit together for yourself.
And it feels like dying because it is dying.
I went through this once when I was driving.
Did I tell you about that?
When I was driving one time and I let go
and I thought that I was gonna literally die.
I don't know, maybe.
That I was driving down the highway to work.
This was about, I think, 2013.
And it was like 6.30 in the morning.
And so it was dark.
And I was on a big three, four lane highway.
And God was, I was talking to God about,
I was in a very, very desperate place.
Just like God, I feel like I've sacrificed my life for you
and you're not giving me any gifts and dah, dah, dah.
And I'm just desperate.
I'm depressed.
I'm all of this stuff.
And he said, and he said, Ashley,
and I knew internally what he was wanting me to do.
He's like, he wants me to let it go.
He wants me to stop holding him accountable
for why he hasn't done it this far.
And will he ever do it?
God, I can give it up for now
as long as I know it'll come later.
Won't work.
It won't work.
That's why we keep giving it up
and we're still in the same place
because we still hold out hope.
In our giving it up, we still hold out hope
that maybe all we have to do is wait.
We have to give up the waiting too.
We have to give up the hope that it will ever happen.
And so anyway, so I was driving down the road
and I realized that that's what the Lord wanted me to do.
Well, my body started reacting
and it started panicking and it started suffocating.
I felt like I was strangling and that I couldn't breathe.
And I thought I was physically gonna die.
And so immediately I began to think, oh my word.
Okay, so if I make this choice
that I'm gonna give up all of this stuff
while I'm driving down the road,
I'll be dead at the wheel.
And then my car's gonna go careening
and all of these other people
that are coming down the highway,
they're gonna hit the car and then,
Lord, are they gonna die?
Am I gonna be responsible for all their deaths too?
I caught myself in the middle of thinking all of this.
I didn't think it on purpose.
My mind just started going because mind, body,
soul and body is so connected
that when my soul is going through turmoil
and it thinks it's gonna die,
my body starts manifesting the fact
that it thinks it's gonna die.
And my mind's brain starts going like that.
My eyes start suffocating.
Anyway, so I thought, well, the heck with it.
If I die, I die.
I have to make this choice.
So, and I'm making this very simple.
It was a lot worse than the way I'm describing it.
But I'm trying to cut the story short.
So I made the decision.
And as soon as I made the decision,
I shifted into rest.
And this was 2013.
I didn't know the word rest back then.
I didn't know what this place was.
I just, boom, everything's still and it was quiet.
It was like, they talk about
after you go through the sonic boom, how-
That's what I was thinking.
Yeah, there's just dead silence on the other side.
That's what it was like.
It was like this stillness within me.
I had all this noise, all this turmoil,
all this angst, anxiety, depression, stress for so long.
These accusations, these lies for so long.
It was total silence.
Not even the gentle running waters, nothing.
And it was wonderful.
It was so, after so much turmoil and angst,
it was beautiful and wonderful.
And I thought, oh my word, that was it.
All of these years that I've been holding onto
and holding God accountable for stuff,
this is all I had to do?
It was amazing.
And, oh, you know what?
It wasn't 2013.
I think it was 2015.
Anyway.
And then I then realized as soon as I,
as soon as everything within me stilled,
I thought I'm still alive.
See, I wasn't expecting it.
I know that that sounds really weird,
but when I was in it, I thought it was all real
and I'm not prone to drama.
I thought because the body manifests that whatever
in chosen invisibly, whatever the soul is going through
or whatever the soul believes,
the soul thought it was gonna die.
So the body thought it was gonna die.
It was very interesting.
Anyway, when I say that story,
sometimes you do feel like you're gonna die.
You really, really do on multiple levels.
And sometimes your body will react.
If you push through it, it's like the sonic boom.
Everything's loud and crazy until you pass,
until you pass that point.
And then everything's still because there's life,
there's life on the other side of it.
It doesn't lead to death.
It always leads to life.
Another thing, if you get any encouragement from this,
is that, you know, that there's an aspect of what it is
that I've walked out with the word
that is imparted to people if they choose to receive it,
because I've gone through it and I've walked through it.
And so it makes, they still have to walk the path,
but there are chains that what I've walked through
and overcame for the body of Christ,
that they don't have to break off now.
So it's easier for them to walk the path.
They still have to walk it,
but it's easier for them to walk the path.
Well, included in that,
I was sharing with everybody during the conference,
my name.
My name is Ashley Nicole,
and Ashley means to rise from the ashes continually,
like a Phoenix, constantly, life after death,
never ever dying.
There's always life after death.
Then Nicole means victory for the people,
victory of the people.
So together, Ashley Nicole,
which is one of the reasons why I use it
as my business name,
instead of Ashley Wheeler using my last name,
is because of what it means.
It's continually declaring this thing over,
over within the message of rest
and within when I'm speaking it and within the ministry.
And when I talk to people and whatever,
and people that choose to receive this message,
when they allow,
they choose that between them and the Lord,
that they want me to get to be part of their journey.
There's an aspect of impartation of what my name carries
of Ashley Nicole being the people rise together
in victory from the ashes continually.
Wow, that's cool.
Yes.
So my point is,
you can choose to receive that.
You can tell the Lord you choose to receive that.
I believe that's why he gave me that name
and why one of the reasons why he doesn't want me to,
why he has not had me go around just teaching this,
but actually mentoring people in this
because I'm investing in them.
So when I'm investing them in my name is helping to carry,
is being carried in this ministry,
within that name, God spoke that declaration,
that promise and that victory.
And people can choose to claim that.
People can choose to claim that is true of me.
That will be true of me, I choose to receive it.
That I will rise from the ashes in victory, like a Phoenix.
I will always resurrect in life after death, always.
But you come to death first,
but there's always life on the other side, always.
No matter how many deaths,
because there's going to be different ones.
It's not the same one, you know, different ones.
Every single time, every single time, always life,
always, always, always life.
And so you can choose to receive that.
And I believe that that is something
that the Lord gave to people
because it didn't say victory for me.
You know, that like Nicole doesn't mean one's own victory
and it doesn't just mean victory.
It means victory of the people.
So it's not for me to own.
There's something in that name from God
that he wanted to put out into creation
and people who chose to resonate
with his promise to his children.
And God said that between the two of them,
you know, him and them,
that they wanted me to choose to receive it.
be part of their journey. It meant that they got to inherit what my name, what God put into my name
and what it carries. I don't own it. I'm just carrying an aspect of God's spirit here on the
earth and everyone can access it. It's not mine. You know, does that make sense? And it's very
important. So you can choose to receive that. And I have to choose to receive it just because I have
the name. I have to choose to receive my name. I have to choose to receive what God put into
that name. And I also believe that other people have the opportunity to choose that promise
because remember he who honors a prophet receives a prophet's reward. You can receive, even though
it's my name, the prophet's reward comes from his father. It's a gift from his father.
And so he who honors a prophet gets a prophet's reward. He who honors a prophet gets to also
receive the same gift from their father that the prophet received. They're not receiving something
of the prophet is that the prophet is extra special. It's more special than them. It's just
the way through which, you know, God's just using that prophet and then, and then having them speak
a sound into the earth. And if someone else chooses to honor that sound from of the spirit
from the father, then they remember because what they're honoring is they're honoring what's from
the father. Then they get to, they get to receive that same reward without having gone through what
the prophet did. They have to still choose it though. Us to receive it. Anyway, there you go.
You know, that's really interesting. I know you've said that before,
but I never wrote it down and I never really quite understood it.
And that's kind of like what I'm trying to do right now is help women find their identity and
worth in Christ so that they don't have to go through some of the things I had to go through
to get to where I am at the point where I'm, you know, now a lot more solid in my identity and
worth in Christ where I wasn't, I built it on sand that foundation. Now it's on rock.
I, I think that kind of goes, no, I'm not a prophet obviously, but I'm, so I don't know if
this totally relates to me, but this is just what came up when you were talking about it. Cause you
have gone through your experiences and you're able to impart these things on people.
So like, I don't have to go through the experiences that you did because I'm gleaning from you and I'm,
I'm learning and you know, I, but then the experiences that I went through, maybe other
women don't have to go through that because they hear certain things that maybe they can bypass
some of those real difficult things because they're finding their identity and worth in Christ
before those things are coming into the, does this make any sense? Am I on the right track?
So what I'm talking about, excuse me, imagine that I'm enslaved and you're enslaved.
And there's all these chains that both of us are enslaved by. If I can choose,
okay, no, no, no, let, let, let me do it. Let me talk about a different way. This is the
picture that I use. They present for people. And Matt, so I, I hacked me overcoming.
I hacked through the jungle with a butter knife. It was hard. It was arduous. It was awful. I was
the pioneer. So I did that in order. And then I walked from a to B. So I got from a to B,
but, and I hacked through the jungle of the butter knife. So I made a path, made sure I overcame.
Uh, spiritual creation, but so you can come along now and, and you don't have to hack through the
jungle with a butter knife, but it doesn't mean that just, just, just because does it stay just
because I, just because I am at point B and I went from point a to point B doesn't mean
just because I'm already at point B, that doesn't mean that you're already at point B.
You still have to walk from point a to point B. You have to walk that same path. I did.
You just don't have to hack through the jungle. You don't have to blaze the trail. So it's
easier. So what it is is I overcame obstacles that, um, that were, that were hindrances
that if I didn't, you would have had to have had it that hard, but because I had it that hard,
so to speak, I, I overcame in those areas. I said, no, God is true. God's word is true.
And I'm receiving it. That's the, that's how we're overcoming. And I received his word.
And so it manifested.
into creation and it broke off chains and it released creation from frustration, including
in the metaphysical realm.
And so I got from point A to point B. So now there's a path that you can take from point
A to point B, but you still have to walk it.
It's not as hard for you, but you still have to take the same trail.
You still have to make the same choices and you still have to sacrifice everything.
You can't be at B and still be at A. You can't have both.
In order to operate and live in the spirit, you have to choose, but you can choose to
receive an impartation from me in the spirit by honoring the message of rest.
Only honor, not honoring it because I speak it, honoring it as in as you listen to it,
what it is that your spirit resonates with.
So between you and God, what your spirit knows to be true as it hears those things,
it attaches to those things and chooses to receive it by it coming out of my mouth.
When you are receiving something that your spirit resonates with and lights up, you're
receiving an impartation of what it is that I have, what it is that I've done, what it
is.
In other words, what it is that I chose, what it is that I overcame, making it easier for
you to make the choice that you have to make, which is the same choice I had to make.
But anyway, you get to receive an impartation.
So that's what I'm talking about.
It's not about the thing of like, well, I went through certain experiences, so hopefully
you can learn from my lessons.
That's the one way of viewing things.
This is spiritual chains and freedom that we're moving into that make it easier for
you to make your choice, but you still have to make the choice and it's still hard in
the fact that in a way, there's still the same cost.
You can't be at A anymore.
If you want to go to B, you can go to B, but you can't stay at A anymore.
That's the cost.
You have to let go and you have to surrender in full vulnerability.
So in a way, we're all both making the same extremity and intensity of choice in the fact
that we have to give up ourselves, dying so that we might have life.
He who gains it, he who saves his life shall lose it, but he who loses his life for my
sake shall gain it.
That's a good word.
I want to let you go because I realize how long we've been talking.
Time flies and your cough, you need to rest your voice.
I do.
Oh my word, three hours and 20 minutes.
So anyway, I hope all this is helpful.
I will upload this recording to YouTube and then I mark it as unlisted, meaning that only
people who have the link can access it.
Then I would ask that you download it and then let me know when you're done downloading
it so that I can remove it from the internet.
It's safe.
Yeah, that sounds perfect.
I will do that and thank you.
This was really great and this was really helpful and I took lots of notes and I'm going
to go back and watch it because I just feel like, you know, there's so many good words
in there and I just appreciate you.
Thank you for pouring into me and spending your time.
You're welcome.
You can't learn this, so just allow yourself to be with the Lord, like be, you know, go
back and watch this and remember the words that I used of like how to just, like how
you just feel your way through it, et cetera, et cetera.
You won't figure it out.
Don't allow yourself to figure it out.
Allow your soul and your spirit to shift without you knowing what's going on and you have to
give up control because you don't know whether or not it's working and you have to trust
it.
The other thing is, not that you have to, but people have said that when, like for instance,
I know that you've been through my longer rest intensive, you know, obviously, but there
are people who've been through the five day, which you were in as well.
You went through one of the five days and they said that it was very, very, they said
it was very impactful and they didn't think, and they thought, oh my word, Ashley, this
is so powerful.
They signed up for the conference and they were blown away.
They're like, oh my word, Ashley, there is so much more, more in the conference than
there was in there.
My point is that a lot of what we're talking about, I address in there in multiple sessions.
So all kinds of different areas.
I also mentioned some, I also go through some exercises that I don't think that you've ever
known.
I don't think you've ever heard.
So you don't have to.
But if you wanted to now, obviously, in order to have access to the conference,
you know, the commitment gesture is still required because I require that of
everyone, because again, a new we're committing to the Lord, a new level of
rest that we are committing.
I am going to actively step out on this Lord.
Um, I'm not just going to hear the revelation.
I am going to put my money, money where my mouth is.
Um, but I just wanted to mention that in case you might find it helpful because
other people have said that they, that there were new breakthroughs.
Um, in fact, one lady at Natalie was really sweet.
She said that she thought that this was the most.
That this was one of the best weekends of her life.
And she said it was definitely the most transformational.
So, and she's been in my rest intensive longer than you have.
So, um, and so in other words, there were like new breakthroughs and you might hear
them where these, um, we talking about my flesh.
So you don't have to, I just wanted to let you know where there's, uh, there's
another opportunity or possibility, but remember learning more, isn't going to
motivate you or change you.
It's not going to help it.
Honestly.
Um, it, in other words, I say, it's not going to help it.
It might help it.
It's not going to do it.
You ultimately do have to choose.
It won't inspire you to, to change.
Um, but it, uh, but it might help like get some more thoughts together.
Um, eventually though, you are going to have to let go of all of the thinking
and all of the knowledge and everything.
It is that you learn in here.
You're just going to have to give it up and, and, um, just submit it to the Lord.
Yeah.
Anyway, but anyway, there you go.
So, um, so you'll have the recordings available up on like some kind of a.
Like you'll have them on a platform so that we could just like give a
commitment.
They're currently on YouTube.
Yeah.
People are still, are still, um, yeah, are still watching it.
They're still sending in commitment gestures and still watching the recordings.
Okay.
So right now, the one thing that's not up is the last one because it was up
live and then it disappeared.
So I have the recording, but I have to upload it, but I haven't gotten the
recording from the photographer, from the videographer who filmed it.
So that's the one thing, but trust me, there's 20 to 22 hours of teaching.
You're not going to get through.
And before I get the last one, no, I think I'll be fine.
Well, you never know.
I'm pretty, pretty keen.
No, I'm just joking.
Um, but.
Okay.
So then I would just make it similar to what I did today and just put it through
PayPal and then let you know, that's what it was for.
And then, um, you would just give me access to those and what I download them,
or are they going to be up on YouTube unlisted for however long?
Yeah.
Um, for the foreseeable future.
So I don't have any, I don't have any plans right now.
I mean, I may change something in the future, but right now for the
foreseeable future, they're up for.
Right.
You know, yeah, no, I think, you know, I had thought about that.
I knew I couldn't attend live necessarily, but I had thought about maybe, you know,
talking to people about, so that's good to hear and yeah, that would be, that'd be
awesome.
Yeah.
So I just want to let you know, just in case you were looking for, I don't know,
just in case it would be helpful.
It'd be like, Oh gosh, I really wish I'd known that.
Yes.
And then what I'll do is I'll probably make notes from all of it and bring all my
questions to you on a one-on-one call.
I'll be like, all right, so what did this mean?
And what information gathering, and then eventually I'll be like, I've got enough
information and I can just let go.
Yeah.
And you're like, you just have to do it.
So yeah.
And the faster that you choose to do it and not need it, right.
And I mentioned, I talked about this in the conference and I repeat it multiple
times.
It's, it's important that we not require God to reconcile all of the, all of it first
before we just choose.
God likes us to choose it first before it's reconciled.
But anyway, so I would recommend that instead or before, whichever, doing the
conference, but that's totally up to you because you may not be at a point where
you feel you can.
You may be willing to be willing to, and you might, but don't be in condemnation
that you're not willing to yet.
I'm not saying that you are, I'm just saying if you're are in that place, don't
be in condemnation for that.
That's very important because condemnation will do nothing but make it
harder and, and, and we'll resist it and make the, make the process more difficult
and then not allow you to shift into rest.
So just be, just allow yourself to be willing to be willing to let that be
enough and then do what you need to do, you know, and, and grab another tool, yet
another tool, but, but ultimately, you know, you're going to have to let go of it.
If it.
changes but don't tell yourself you should let it go and expect it to work. You have to actually be
be ready for it. I know and that's that's what I could I'm ready for a bit I'll shift into it
then I'll shift out then I'll shift in I'll shift out so I think even that's good that's good but
I know it's a good start but longer periods of time shifting in would be yeah to deeper levels
to much more radical degrees like the entire life not just like the result for this this
experience in God you know or the result with this client but just like my entire life everything I
want for Avea and my husband and even having them and I mean just I mean it's like extreme as
radical as you can possibly go it's that extreme that we have to choose but I'm telling you what
everything's changed everything shifts on that everything it's amazing and then you never want
to go back if that's that's the full transformation of the gospel right there at that moment you'll
you'll discover something that you never knew life could look like that and you never knew
that you had to give everything up in order to gain everything so but I will put this up on
youtube and and send you the link thank you you're welcome I'll talk to you later okay bye