Hello, how's it going?
I'm very busy.
How about you?
I'm good.
Yeah.
What are you busy with today?
What's going on?
Oh, well, multiple things.
Wedding stuff.
I'm working on the invitations, and so I'm working on the wedding invitations, trying
to coordinate someone who would be my photographer who would be flying into Dallas for my bridal
and trying to coordinate that, you know, like the bridal pictures, the bridal with trying
to coordinate that with getting to Dallas for the bridal shower as well as the lingerie
shower.
And then that means that I have to travel there and be away from here and working that
around premarital counseling, all the while my fiancé has very sweetly gotten a guy that
works here in the building on odd jobs to come and hang a mirror for him here in his
apartment that I've been really wanting to decorate his apartment with.
And he so sweetly has tried to get that done for me, and my mom is going to the actual
store in Dallas to get the invitation papers like that, and she needs to do FaceTime with
me, and it's been wild.
And then I did a podcast interview for about an hour and a half today, and so it's going
to air, I think, in like maybe next week or the week after.
Anyway, so just a lot coordinating all at the same time.
That's awesome.
I have a question for you.
Like if I, you know, I obviously love what you teach, and I've been implementing a lot
of what you've taught me into my program with the ladies that I work with.
Just like I waited until, you know, I waited for about a year after I was implementing
it and felt like I was really in a space of being able to embody it and teach it and stuff
like that.
And I think, you know, the ladies could be very blessed by knowing you in some capacity,
right?
But I don't know what you would be open to necessarily, so a vision that I've had is,
you know, even having you come and do, we have group calls every week, right?
In doing, you know, we have an hour and a half group call every week, but I'm open to
suggestions.
Like I don't have a podcast, and I'm not doing a masterclass series in the near future, but
I just think what you have to share is really valuable.
And I don't know if you'd ever want to either come on to one of my Facebook lives on a Thursday
morning at 10.30 and just speak about rest, or if you, like if you have something even
coming up that you want to share about, or if you want to actually come on and just minister
to the ladies in my group for one of our calls and just share a little bit about rest.
Obviously, I would pay you for all that, but I'm curious, like what you might be open to.
Oh, well, yeah, possibly so.
So just let me know.
I don't know kind of what you were thinking.
I don't know.
I would imagine, especially after what it is that I saw today, or not saw today, but
how busy that I am, and doing a podcast in the middle of all of that, it probably just
more low-key would probably be easier for me, as in like maybe like one of the Facebook
lives or one of the just meeting with your group or something like that, you know, that
might work well for my season.
So yeah, we can just talk about it.
Let me know what you were thinking, and then I could just see what ends up working with
my schedule and what we'd be able to do.
That sounds cool.
Yeah, I'd love for them, a lot of them, I ended up making the rest module the last module
that they're doing, which happened, it's so funny, it just happened to be module seven.
And I just thought that was kind of cool, rest in seven.
And I taught just kind of what I've learned and what I've learned from you and what I've
learned from the Lord about rest and how I've been living it out.
But I'd love for them, because we talk about rest a lot.
And I know, you know, sometimes you explain things in a way that's different from me.
And I think they hear my voice a lot.
I think hearing a different voice would be kind of cool.
Sure, sure.
I know what you mean.
We all just word it different because it's our message from our Father.
And then we all just kind of have our own, I don't know, words and phrases that I don't
know, just kind of like resonate with us.
And so we all just talk about it a little different.
Oh, totally.
I love it.
And you gave me, yeah, so I'll basically, I'll kind of think about some dates and think
about where it would fit in well, but I think that would be just phenomenal for them to
experience you and then for them to get to know you and follow you.
And that way, if you're doing another rest intensive, they might be willing to pop in
and do that.
And so it'd be fun to, you know, just see what the connections are.
would bring you know yeah all right okay we're good yeah just let me know what um uh what you're
thinking you know what it is that you kind of iron out and then we'll run it through my schedule see
what works out that sounds good so when is your wedding june 25th oh so it's coming up
yeah so i've been engaged for a week two and a half weeks and we're getting here on june 25th
so it's pretty uh it's by some people's standards it's pretty fast for us we're just kind of like
no that's a good amount of time i mean why wait and uh he has sabbatical with his ministry uh
meaning that they take off the entire month of july so we're really wanting to take advantage
of the fact that he would not have obligatory work for a month and how many people get to start out
their marriage like that so we figured that that would be a great thing to take advantage of so
we're like whatever we have to do to have the wedding early in order to give ourselves
foundation so we're excited about that that's that's cool we actually planned our wedding in
three months as well okay yeah yeah so it was and it was phenomenal it was yeah it was just
phenomenal the way it all came together um but it was the same with jason jason his house his
mortgage was up his five-year mortgage was up and so we're like why sign on for another mortgage
when he could move to my city and we could get married and be living together so it was a whirlwind
but totally worth it so oh yeah oh yeah yeah we're finding it to be a whirlwind but already but in the
whirlwind um because even though it's in the whirlwind doesn't mean that you know we have
that we have to be out of rest so it's been a really good challenge for me to remember to
to have to have um opportunities to remember you know to shift deeper into rest
lord and became
new environment who triggers situations or whatever so it's been it's been really good
um and uh but anyway the thing is that even though it has been a whirlwind even in the middle
of the whirlwind oh my we're like oh yeah totally worth it whatever it is that we have to do in order
to get married by june 25th we're happy with so that's right i love it um yeah and i get it because
it's like the texas thing right it's a it's a whirlwind but it's not stressful it's like it's
like there's a lot to do but it's for a purpose you know we know the the common purpose that's
shared and it's like it makes sense right yeah it's awesome you know what's so funny about texas
and i and i am praying that in telling you this you will put my mind at ease because there's one
thing that i'm afraid of when it comes to move into texas and and it kind of has to do with you
which is funny not that i'm afraid of you um but there was a call that we had where something
happened and it scared me and i'm like i don't know what this is gonna be about so i'm praying
right now and i'm disclosing this to you that i'm hoping that you put my mind at ease with this
so i'm afraid of spiders and oh big spiders like tarantulas are scary and there was a call once
where you were at i think your mom's house and there was like a tree i think i had to like hang
up and come back in later like i seriously like couldn't i couldn't listen to you share the story
didn't handle it i couldn't handle it and and then at that time i wasn't even thinking about
moving there but ever since i started thinking about moving there i've thought about that story
and i'm scared because i don't like that idea and it just freaks me out so and then i know
they're probably anyway please would you at all be able to put my mind at ease with this that
they're not just coming into houses and like hanging out with us and i have to worry about it
no no no no uh in fact i had never seen a tarantula in my life outside the zoo before
that happened you know and so i've never seen one i didn't even know they existed in texas
until i don't know i think i was at least i was that i was graduated from college you know as an
adult and somehow i found out that there are tarantulas in texas i thought i had no idea
so it just depends on where you are and the reason that it was at my friend's house well one thing
they live by a by a creek in a wooded area and they just happen to live by a creek in a wooded
area that has that had to rent that has tarantulas where it's actually a known thing in that
neighborhood that they come but understand that that's also way way way way way out on the outskirts
of dfw so it's not as populated and it they're still expand so that it's a part of dfw that's
on the border and expanding out into the wild
So they haven't like pushed as much of the wildlife out.
So that was the situation.
Also someone had left the door open.
So they can't get in, you know, to the house usually.
I mean, that would have to be a big hole
in order for something to squeeze through.
So no, that's definitely not a concern or a worry
that you need to think about.
So I'm aware that there are them.
I'm not used to seeing them.
I've been to South Texas, West Texas, East Texas
for like long periods of time in all those places.
And this is the first time I'd ever seen one in a while.
Otherwise I'd only seen them
beside glass and behind glass in YouTube.
Okay, that is refreshing.
And I thought you were at your mom's.
So I thought you were in Arlington
in the middle of the city.
And I thought, why are they there?
They're my best friends.
About an hour and 15 minutes away from my mom.
And that's driving like 75 miles an hour out, you know,
an hour and 15 minutes out, so yeah.
Okay, yeah, because I have heard that,
because they're developing
and they push the wildlife out to the outskirts.
So if you're in the inner city, it won't be a problem.
And so that's why I was concerned.
Because I thought, well, I know your mom lives
like in a subdivision type of neighborhood.
Smack down in the middle of DFW, yeah.
Yeah, okay, awesome.
And you are going to have wildlife like,
kind of like wherever.
They have like a canal and so they have beavers
and in the canal and you're going to have possums.
Possums and armadillos are just part of Texas.
They're just everywhere.
But, you know, obviously they only come out at night.
You're good.
Anyway, yeah, so tarantulas are definitely
not something you need to worry about
unless you're moving way out into the country somewhere.
No way.
And even man, you probably would never see one anyway.
Okay, yeah, armadillos, they're good.
Like I'm good with armadillos.
I'm good with possums.
I'm good with beavers.
I'm, you know, it's just tarantulas
that are a little bit freaky.
Yeah, I'm fine with snakes.
I'm not, I don't like spiders.
I've gotten better with spiders
because I've just, you just healed more.
The Lord's just worked through stuff with me.
But like, for instance, snakes, you know,
there's rattlesnakes in Texas and other snakes,
but like out in the country, et cetera.
But those don't bother me.
It's the spiders that bother me
and I'm not worried about spiders.
I mean, to such an extent where it's a problem
moving into Texas.
Okay, yeah, no, that's good.
And then I thought, okay, if I do need to like heal this up
before I get there, like I need to work on this
because obviously there's something where I'm like,
a spider, it's the size of my hand
and it's got all this power over me.
So I'm.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't blame you.
But I can work on that.
I don't like them either.
They're hairy, they're animals.
They're just like little like animals.
I know, they're so freaky.
Like, I don't know how you,
I never heard the end of that story
because I couldn't handle you talking.
I was like, I got to come back in a few minutes.
I conquered it.
That was the end.
I conquered it.
I prayed, asked the Lord and he helped me do it.
And I was like, that was actually one of my biggest fears
was ever encountering a tarantula and killing it.
And I did it.
I'm like, okay, I can now do anything.
You actually killed it.
Oh yeah.
Wow, how?
With a shoe?
What size are you?
Because I was the only one awake.
Well, no, like I had a flip-flop.
It wasn't this one, but I had a flip-flop
and I took the edge of it and I whacked it.
And so, but I had to pray and I had to work up my courage.
And it was kind of like one of those things.
Oh, that was the guy who was supposed to help me.
Oh, well, he's busy.
And that I was standing inside
of one of those shallow Rubbermaid boxes
that slide into your bed,
that you put like wrapping paper in or whatever.
So I had been taking stuff out.
I'd been on the floor when it came in.
And so I closed my mouth
because that's what my mom and I both do when we scream
is we close our mouth and scream.
So, and I jumped inside the Rubbermaid
so that I wouldn't be on the floor.
So I'm in that little thing
and I'm just like, what am I gonna do?
And so I asked the Lord if he would give me courage
because I thought, seriously,
I'm not going to go to sleep with this thing in it,
with this thing in here.
And no, I'm not gonna scream and wake up the house cold
because it's James, my best friend
and her husband and their kids.
And I'm like, I'm not gonna scream.
I can wake everybody up.
They go to school and work in the morning.
I can handle this.
I'm like, Lord, you are gonna have to help me.
So I really did.
I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed.
And I remembered, okay, remember who I am.
And I got the side of the, my heart is beating so fast.
And I grabbed the side of my shoe.
And then I was like, okay, God,
help me have the strength to be able to do this at one go.
because I don't have time to miss and then lose it again and so I just prayed and I whacked it
really good and it died but yeah. Wow that's impressive. I felt very powerful afterwards.
Seriously. Oh my gosh I'm that's I'm proud of you that's awesome that is so good but terrifying.
I don't know what I would do. Proud of me and then my best friend conquered her fear the next
day the lady I stayed with the next or not the next day but like later on that week because
her big thing is snakes and specifically I think like poisonous ones and there was one in her
garage and she was alone and she had to figure out how to kill it on her own and so both of us
within like a week's period of time conquered our worst fears. Me killing a tarantula and her
killing a a poison snake so it felt very powerful. Wow well it'll be interesting I don't know I'll
have to figure out all these like. I promise it's just it it's a it's in the country you know. Okay
any place no matter where you go in the world has some aspect of wildlife you know that you
could feel threatened by whether it be a spider or a snake or or or a mammal but um yeah there's
it's not anything to be concerned about and moving to Texas specifically. Okay yeah because
here I mean in Canada you do have certain creatures but they're bigger usually and they're in the
woods. Yeah. I have never encountered a scary creature like I've just just where we are in
Canada there's just nothing around here that's scary so I'm not used to it I'm not a huge fan
of wilderness I'm I'm more like a cozy at home with walls and I don't like camping yeah not my
stuff not my style so like okay if we get because I'm imagining oh we're gonna get a place like in
the inner city with a pool and there's gonna be like tarantulas in the pool in the morning swimming
around and I'm gonna have to like figure out how to get them out like this is what I'm imagining in
my mind. Yeah no no don't worry about that. Okay awesome okay I feel better. Something like that
is impossible but I I know that it exists in some places but I think that that's more again on the
outskirts in the country I can't think of any friends you know in like something as big as the
metroplex this which is what Dallas is called that that that's happened to so I'm not saying
it's impossible it's just that I've lived there you know for years over like a decade and a half
and me nor my friend ever had those situations that I've ever heard of. Okay that's good well
and I we're looking at Colleyville, Grapevine, Trophy Club, South Lake area if you know that
area very well. Oh good I was going to recommend to you when you were talking about uh where you
were going to move I was thinking well if they if you wanted to go to the the main Grapevine
campus sorry not main gateway campus uh right there off of 114 I would recommend you know that
South Lake Keller area there is that's very nice you would really enjoy that. My parents have even
said the other day that if they had to move from Arlington and they moved to any other place in
Metroplex they move to the Keller South Lake area because it's just really nice particularly
South Lake Keller is really nice as well but particularly but the majority of the reason for
that is it's close to South Lake. Those are really good uh Flower Mound I've heard wonderful things
about Flower Mound um it's a little yeah and then you in Plano you mentioned Plano right?
Yeah Plano is also really really good uh the thing is uh
that if they've got amazing school districts if I remember correctly I think it's Plano not Frisco
their side their Frisco is directly north of Plano um but yeah all of those are really good places
but yeah I honestly would not move to Arlington. Arlington is nice for like raising a family but
it's older and it doesn't have as many like restaurant or entertainment
options nice or shopping areas like South Lake would South Lake would have I think you'd enjoy
the grapevine South Lake Keller district possibly Flower Mound which was on the north side of the
lake uh I think you'd enjoy all of that more. Yeah that's good. We want to go to the South
Lake campus preferably um okay and it's close so we like grapevine because it's right in between
the campus and the airport and I want to be airporting I want to be at the airport and
traveling around and I want to be close to the airport because
when I have retreats and stuff, I want to have people be able to
get to us easily. Right. And so we're, our plan is to rent a
place there for a few months and just look around and get used to
the environment and the new changes. And then figure out
good idea. I want to live. Yeah, good idea. So your your church,
part of the staff and part of like the worship team and stuff
came from your church. Part of them came from Vanessa's it
seems like to like Robert Morris, I think went to Vanessa's
church Trinity. So what was your church called before it shut
down?
Our restoration church.
Restoration. Cool. It's kind of cool. The only two people I
really know in Texas, like there's an interesting connection
between the two of you and gateway the church we're going
to go to. So just kind of confirms Yeah, more that, you
know, we're, we're going to the right church, you know, like, I
want to get I want to actually get hooked up with them now. And
see if they do any virtual small groups or anything because, but
when I text connect to their number, it doesn't go through
because it's Canadian. So I don't know, I have to probably
call the church and actually say we're going to be there in like
10 months, but we'd like to connect with people now.
preemptively. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Surely they've got ways for
internationals to connect. So like, zoom, or zoom, small
groups or something.
Yeah, that would be ideal. I, I have no idea what it's like
there. I just, you know, there's this thing of like, I hope I fit
in. I hope it I hope it's a good fit for me and that I fit into
that culture and environment. Well.
Yeah, just, um, you know, just whatever it is that the Lord has
and he'll, and it'll just be what it is that he intends for
y'all everyone and their walk with the Lord and where it is
that the Lord has been is just, it's just different. So I had
people that left our church, and a lot of them went to gateway.
And then some didn't some went to other places, they found
gateway, little slower for their taste. And others found the
place that all those other people went to, too fast for
their pace. And then, so everyone just kind of ended up
in different places. But the majority, I don't know, let me
just say that a large group of them moved to gateway, very
large group of them. So it would felt closer to them like what it
is that they were looking for and wanting.
Yeah, yeah, it's, it's a good fit for us. I think at least to
start, I've been there, I went there, and really liked it. And
just feels like right, it feels like the right fit. It feels
like it'll be good. Yeah, me too.
Things about it.
Pardon?
I said I've heard amazing things about it.
That's awesome. Well, the kind of the cool thing too, is that
because your parents are in Arlington, I'll probably
actually get to meet you in person.
Yeah, probably.
Yeah, because you'll come back and visit sometimes, I'm sure.
So I'll just have to figure out when you're when I'm finally
there in a year and you go back and visit, I'll be like, Okay, I
can actually like give you a hug one day. That'll be fun.
I know, it's really exciting.
That would be. Um, what you said when we talked on Monday, was
really powerful. That was really a big shift for me. And I know
we kind of ended up I actually, I was like, Oh, I should ask her
for the copy of the call because I wanted to listen to it again
to, to go back through and like figure out what I wanted to ask
you at the end, because all I wrote down was giving up and
submitting to the Lord. And, but the but what I got from what you
said was this whole idea about death and how death has no
sting, and there is no death. And that's been huge for me this
whole week, like Monday, after, you know, in the morning, that
was an issue in the evening. It was never it wasn't an issue.
And it hasn't been an issue since it's like, all of a sudden
the fear of exciting, will my ministry be successful? Will I
get this? Or will I have this? Or will I lose this? None of that
matters anymore. Because there isn't a loss. There isn't death.
It's like so simple. Why didn't I get this before?
I know, I know. It really is great. Yeah, very freeing.
So freeing. And so I, I think, you know, at the end, and I
can't remember exactly what we were talking about. But we were
talking about giving up and submitting to the Lord. And I
can't remember exactly what we were talking about around that.
Do you remember by any chance? Probably not.
I'm afraid I don't. I mean, I can be I can talk to you about
that. I mean, I can just jump in. But I don't remember
specifically the last thing that we said.
I Yeah, well, I'm sure it'll come up again. Like I think, you
know, if I were to sort of reiterate a little bit.
about what was coming up for me. It might jog it a little bit.
But basically, if I was to go back to that space of fear, it
would be, I'm afraid that my business is not going to be
successful, and that one day I'm going to have to give it up. But
at the same time, I know there's something really good on the
other side, that God will have more. So maybe I think I'm
supposed to be doing this ministry, but God's moving me to
Texas for a totally different reason. Maybe it's going to be
something totally different than what I'm doing. I don't know. I
mean, I have visions of speaking and doing other things. But when
you're in Texas, you're in a pool of a lot of really
talented people who do a lot of great things. So I have this,
because I know I'm on my unique journey, but it's interesting
because I have this thing where it's like, this is safe for me,
this ministry to a certain extent is safe and comfortable,
and I know it and I love it and I want to keep doing it. And I'm
also going to be put in an environment where there are
going to be these phenomenal people who are doing phenomenal
things, which is so awesome, because I love the idea of being
around those kinds of people. But I've also struggled in my
life with this belief that because when I was a kid, I was
very ostracized and different and never really felt like I
belonged. And so I think you're getting a phone call.
Oh, I'm sorry. I, I can't see you anymore. Yeah. Oh, there we
go. Okay. So I was wondering if the issue was on my side. How is
the connection? Am I okay?
The connections been in and out a little bit.
Yeah. Um, so what I'm trying to figure out is that's why I that's
why it looks like you lot that I was gone there for a second
because I was trying to work to make sure that that the Wi Fi
was okay. Let me put this near the window. Okay. Oh, well, that
doesn't seem to be helping at all. Oh, dear. I don't know
what's going on. Okay. Anyway, so let me see if it's okay.
Right. So what I can't tell is do I need to get use Wi Fi or
cellular and cellular just not I mean, the Wi Fi does not seem
to be working. So here we go. Okay, about that. I'm sorry.
It's been spotty. But let me know if there's like if it's
just so bad. You can't follow me. So I apologize.
Oh, no, don't worry. No, it's not been that bad. It's been in
and out a little bit, but I've been able to pick up what you
were saying. So, um, yeah, so because I, I've always had this
sensitivity around belonging, like when I walk into a space,
it's like, I know I belong there. But I also feel insecure,
like I, like I won't belong there or that I won't be
accepted or won't be liked. Right. So I find that comes up
for me is that that correct? Yeah. Yeah. Connect. Well,
connection is the most important thing to us. Because remember
that God does every because we're made in his image. And we
have his have his character where our spirit is born of the
Spirit in and to him, you everything goes back to union,
union versus separation, everything. It's not sin versus
not sin. It's union, and versus separation. And that evidences
itself in how it is that we respond to our environment, what
it is that motivates us, drives us, inspires us, etc. In our
soul and our body. It's connection, we like we're driven
towards connection, we're driven towards union with things. And
so it, so it definitely, it's a root thing for, for everyone.
It's just that some people like you can realize that that's
what's going on. And so yeah, everything goes back to the fact
that we're always desiring for and leaning in pursuing
connection. Yeah. So and fearing a lack of connection, fearing
lack, remember, because that's what death is. Death is the is
lack. And so fear of death is fear of lack, which is very
similar to poverty mentality. And I don't know that it's
necessarily the same as poverty mentality, and probably, but
I'd have to really think about that. But but anyway, so yeah,
that's, that's why that kind of thing. It's important why it's
such a driving factor of our fear.
Yeah, because fear is the fear of separation.
Yeah, and because there is union with Jesus, like I'm trying to figure out, based on what
we talked about on Monday, this would be next level.
How do I not worry about belonging or, like, I think I connect with people pretty well,
and people tend to connect to me pretty well, like I feel like they feel me, I'm a feeling
person, and I'm not, I don't know, like I, especially now, like I think before I was
very needy and very much in my trauma, but I think now I just feel a lot cleaner, and
I think people will connect with me well, and do, but it's this fear of showing up,
and what if people don't like me?
What if they don't accept me?
What if I feel out of place, you know?
Yeah, well, so the thing always has to be that we get our assurance from the Lord, and
we feel connected and belonging with Him in our identity, where you feel solid and secure.
Then the rest of it won't, it can't shake our sense, it can't shake our foundation,
it can't shake or affect our sense of identity.
It can still hurt if we don't, aren't able to build the type of relationship connection
that we desire to with other people, but it won't affect us the same way, and so it's
important to always build it on that, to always go back to, so if we're struggling with a
relationship connection, to always go back with the Lord to make sure that, and then
get solid in that, and get anchored in that, and then, and it's important for so many reasons.
For one thing, that's, it's just important for us to get back to that root, because that's
the foundation of everything, but also that the more that we need something, the less
that we can enjoy it, and the more that it runs from us, so to speak.
So the more that we, that we, that we strive for something out of fear, out of fear of
lack of it, like, oh my word, I don't have, I need, then the more that it is likely to
escape us, it's, we're, what we don't realize is that we're actually pushing it away instead
of allowing it to come, because things in creation, whether it be environments or whatever,
environment situations, relationships, finances, business, whatever, if it is in alignment
with who it is that we are in the Lord, it will naturally be attracted to us, but it
has to be in alignment with who it is that, with the agreement that we've made with the
Lord, and then His and our will, and how it is that we're operating together, how we choose
together that we're operating in the earth, if it's in alignment with that, it will naturally
be attracted to us, because things, creation, environments, relationships, you know, finances,
business, it is intended to serve a son of God, the son of God is basically the standard
to which everything else in our environment is always looking to respond to, so if we're
giving it power in our mind by needing it, then we're not being what it needs in order
to come to us, in order, you know, for that to be effortless and in rest, and there's
an aspect in which it's a lot harder to have relationships with people, it's a lot harder
to build connection, it's a lot harder to actually have belonging, if we need it and
are straining for it, emotionally, internally, psychologically, whatever, it ends up oddly
being like the opposite ends, or not the opposite ends, but by like ends of a magnet, you know,
repelling each other, even though we're trying to force it together, it tends to repel.
Okay. Yeah, that was a lot. That's, that's awesome. And I'm like, Oh my gosh, it's like
drinking from the fire hose. It's awesome. And so, so basically, I, so it's shifting
into my identity first, and really being in agreement with who I am and him and then the
attraction component is stronger with the things that are aligned with that.
Because you don't need it. So it can come. So it can serve because you're standing at
the son of God is manifesting himself so that the creation can then come to that creation
can be freed from frustration. So if the son of God is manifesting himself, the son of
God isn't operating isn't isn't revealing himself to be what a son of God is, which
is in union with the Lord, which is his identity being and being unified with Christ, which
is in a position of power and authority.
he's not presenting himself as that and as a king as a governor as a ruler of his creation
if he's not doing that well then creations continue to be subject to frustration which
creates all of this animosity all this angst and we actually have to work for something to happen
so in order for creation to be released from frustration everything to effort more effortlessly
low every we have the sense of god have to manifest themselves so you being who it is that
god has called you to be who god has declared you to be who god has identified you to be
is what your situations that sense of belonging connection or whatever with people it's what it
needs to happen it's what it needs you knowing who it is that you are is what it needs in order to
happen so you have to let it go in order for it to happen so it's that whole release thing again
it's like i need it i have to have it you know why isn't it happening you know it should be
like this why it or it shouldn't be like this it shouldn't be like this lack of connection
you know it shouldn't be like this it should be different we have to let that go um and uh in
order for it in order for everything to shift into rest in order for for us to stand in up in
and present ourselves to the situation who it is that we really are which is here which is
eternal everything is underneath that serve uh serve in service to that and um so you actually
have to be the thing in order for the other thing to happen it can't happen unless unless you you do
that uh how do i grammatically say that it if you're not doing that it has to you have to work
to make it happen because it's not going to actually naturally happen because you're not
presenting yourself for it to respond to you have to show up as this in order for it to respond to
you like that you have to show up as the son of god in order for it to to respond to you like that
you can't just say you are and hope you believe that you are no you should believe you are
in order for it to respond to it you have to be it you have to choose that that is who you are
stand in the position that you're already in you're not moving somewhere you're already there
but you have to stand in that choose yourself as that and then it and then it it's created to
recognize and respond to that person right so being it is literally so we talk about like
standing in agreement or standing in that space that we already have it's really kind of coming
into agreement with the truth that already is correct but being it so to embody it is to choose
and to let go of wanting it to look different like i mean i can't remember because i know there
are certain things that you talk about like how do you be it when when you talk about if you were
i know it's abstract so it's hard because you're not doing anything to be it but
if you were to shift into that beingness and embody it what would that actually look like
well you just choose that that is that you choose that your reality is what god actually says
and it's more than just believing that oh what he says is true like uh okay so um say for instance
that god says well i'm gonna use a glass say that god says okay ashley this is what i am saying is
true this is a truth now he's like okay now you make your own free will decision what do you say
is true what we have to do is we can't say we can't just look at that so say that this is god's
hand this is our hand we can't look at god presenting that and saying ashley i am giving
you my word i'm giving you truth this is what's true we can't look at that and say okay god if
that's what you say it's true okay then then i guess then it will just be and and you know i'm
looking for it lord i'm looking for it you know because if you say it's true well then all right
i'm you know i'm gonna expect it to happen and if it doesn't happen then then either what you say
isn't true or i did none or i didn't hear you right but we're looking at it as if it's something
out there that is if we're getting to live vicariously through god's decisions and god's
god's choice and and god's uh declaration of what's true okay if he says it's true okay i guess
it's just going to happen that's not faith faith requires risk meaning god says okay ashley i have
my own free will decision and i'm telling you this is what's true this is what i base my reality
on in which i exist and i operate what do you say and here's our free will decision we're like okay god
I too choose that this is true.
It's like a, as opposed to God just saying this and then us keeping our hands back and
like having plan B and doing our own stuff over here, just in case this thing over here
that God talks about doesn't work.
We have to grab it, grab it.
We have to put our own skin in the game.
We have to choose that this is our reality.
There's another way of seeing it, like a husband and wife coming together at the altar to commit
themselves to each other.
The husband says the vows first.
Well, even though the wife says them second, and even though she says the exact same vows,
she is making her own free will decision, free will commitment that is unconditional
to whatever it is that he's saying.
So she's saying, I'm going to commit to you this of my own free will, that this is how
I'm going to react to you, respond to you, et cetera, regardless of what you do with
me.
For instance, and that's, this doesn't cover abuse, by the way, we're not talking about
abuse.
That's a breaking of covenant, et cetera.
What we're talking about is like, like in sickness or in death or, you know, or sorry,
sickness or in health where say, for instance, he becomes, he becomes a vegetable and is
now in a wheelchair.
Well, he can't follow through on his end of the bargain.
You know, he committed all of these vows, et cetera, but now he is unable to, it's not
that he can't follow through on his end of the bargain, it's that he can't give her something
that her response to him is conditional on.
He's just, he's just there.
And she's like, I committed to him for the rest of my life in sickness or in health,
regardless of what he's doing.
So therefore she's like, this is my commitment to him, as opposed to the husband at the altar
just saying, Hey, look, this is what I'm committing to you.
And the wife was like, okay, you know, you know, if that's what you say, well, then sure,
I'm, I'll, you know, I'll go along with it.
I'll parrot it, or I'll, I'll echo it, or I'll just assume that if that's true, you
know, if what you say really is true, and you really are committed to that, I'll just
expect that to happen.
And I'm just kind of along for the ride.
And, and, and when a husband, wife come together at the altar, it requires both of their free
will to make a intentional decision of what it is that they are committing to the other,
regardless of what the, the other person does the same thing between us and God.
God tests us that something is true about himself or us.
We have to choose, okay, God, I'm choosing that.
That is my reality, not I'm believing it.
And if you say so, God will then, okay, sure, I'll expect it to happen.
No, we have to put our money where our mouth is.
We have to actually choose that it is reality to the end, if we choose it as that it is
really the reality of the world in which we exist, how to, how to explain this, it's all
what we're doing is we choose to make it.
So that's what I'm trying to say.
God is saying, Hey, I can create anything.
I can make any laws that I want.
I've made this truth to be so what we say is, okay, God, in my world, into my kingdom,
I am choosing to make this.
So it will feel like you're making it up.
It will feel like, because it's like a king making up his own law and his own kingdom,
something that doesn't exist.
And he's causing it to happen into creation is causing it to happen into existence.
He's causing it to happen in his, in his like realm of influence.
And that's what I mean when I say he's choosing that you choose your reality.
You're choosing what you determine will be true, not that it's a truth that exists out
there somewhere.
And you're like, you're giving it permission that, okay, if you're true, well, then it's
going to happen.
No, you choose.
No, I'm, I'm insistent that this I'm making this happen, like by intention.
And but the only things that we're supposed to do that with, or anything that God told
us first, God has to have said something first.
We're not talking about, okay, well, I just want to determine what I want to do for business
or how much money I'm going to make, or whatever.
That's what the new majors do, where it's like they pick and choose what it is that
they want.
And they make it happen by their own, by their own exertion or an effort, their own strife,
their own manifestation.
We're not talking about that.
We're talking about creating your own reality.
based off of whatever it is that God said first is the reality that he
created, the reality of his kingdom, kingdom principles, etc. I'm like, okay
God, that's what you say is true. I am going to choose that that is my reality
even though I don't see it in my world, even though I don't see it in my
environment, even if I do not see it in my circumstances or in my current
relationships. If you say that this is true and these are kingdom principles,
all I'm seeing in my world right now is the principles of the kingdom of this
world. If you say that this is true, I am choosing that that is the reality in
which I exist and if I choose that that's the reality in which I exist, you
will naturally start making decisions that come in line with that reality as
opposed to the kingdom of this world reality that's trying to tell you that
it's more real than this one. They're both real, they're both coexisting, but
you choose this one and by choosing this one it allows it to supersede this one
which is what is called a miracle, which is what is called where you see the
supernatural come in, where not just you see physical things change
like the wind of the waves were quiet, but also you will see people's lives and
souls transform because they're coming into the presence of
spirit that has more power than the kingdom of this world and if they choose
to receive this over this, they get to gain the benefits. They can
choose to reject it, but anyway, so that's why we can't manifest
certain relationships to happen where we manipulate people's will and it
happen according to the Lord. Like for instance, if you want somebody to love
you, well you can't, you know, they still have a choice as to even if you bring in
the kingdom of God in your relationship with them and how you interact with them
in desiring belonging and connection with them, what you're doing is
you are standing in a kingdom of God principle, but you're presenting it to
the situation and the situation, the environment, circumstance, and their soul
has an opportunity of whether to come into alignment with the kingdom of God
that you're presenting or to reject it. If it rejects it, in other words, it's not
in alignment, it will move out of the way because it's not within alignment and
you want it to be that way. You don't want things in your life to be out of
alignment with the Lord because it creates destruction in your own life, so
you want to always stand in kingdom principles, you know, the kingdom of God
and present his authority, stand in who it is that you are in him, choose the
reality, chooses your reality, the reality in which you exist, choose that whatever
he says is true is true in your world because you're making it so. You're
determining it in your intention and in your will. I'm determining that it's so
that everything else has a choice of how it wants to respond when it comes into
interaction with you, when it comes into your presence. The kingdom of this world
has an opportunity to receive it or to reject it, so we're not talking
about manipulating somebody's free will by, oh, we're just because we're moving in
a higher kingdom power than their kingdom. It doesn't mean that our will
always supersedes theirs because God doesn't want a violation of somebody's
free will, and if we're trying to ever use anything to violate somebody's, you
know, to manipulate someone, it's a violation of their free will. We're not
talking about that. We're talking about us standing it because we choose that
between us and the Lord, and they have an opportunity of how they want to respond.
Does that make sense? It does, yeah, absolutely. So what happens when somebody
is, because of what they've been through when they were young, their conditioning
in life, their belief systems, they're struggling to come into agreement
because they're resisting God. They have accusations against him from when they
were very young, like deep subconscious accusations. What do they do in that case?
What do you mean? What do they do? Well, because a lot of the ladies I work
with, they have these deep beliefs about God, about themselves, and who
they are in him, their identity. They have a hard time coming into agreement
with God and dropping the accusations they have against him. So yes, they can
tell themselves to stop. They can tell their soul to stop. They can
and, you know, know that their spirit overpowers the lies
and the enemy and stuff,
but there's still that accusation
that they have deep down inside.
Does that make sense?
Yes.
So the thing is that it's one of those things
where you just have to think of how to word this,
to just, we continually have to just choose
in faith that what God says really is true.
And it's risky and we won't feel it.
We won't feel like it's true
and it won't make logical sense.
We have to choose as an intention of our will
that something is true.
And that's what faith is,
because faith isn't simply,
faith is not believing things
in a way that we've typically just been believing things.
Faith is actually choosing that,
choosing of our own free will and intention
that what God says is true.
And we just have to do it.
We have to risk ourselves
in the very place that feels most unsafe.
And, but the thing is that I always recommend
that people start with,
like with, because we will only shift into rest
to the degree, to the same degree
that we believe that God loves us.
And yeah, we can just not believe that he loves us
and really struggle with that and whatever.
We finally though just do,
and I know this from personal experience,
God will woo us because he's very kind
and he's very loving.
But what we eventually have to do is
we have to just make an intentional choice
that we are going to,
that we are, that we're gonna come to him
and allow ourselves to be loved.
And that's very vulnerable.
Just allow ourselves, just choose that,
okay, God says that he loves me.
So I'm coming to him and I'm allowing him,
I'm allowing myself to be loved, to be loved on.
It's almost like opening oneself up to the possibility.
How would I write that?
You can't think of it as a possibility,
but I'm saying that you come to it originally thinking,
okay, this is a possibility that God loves me,
even though I haven't been feeling it,
but he says it's true.
So therefore it must be possible.
So you come with this idea of like,
okay, well, it's a possibility.
All right, I'm going to have to choose
that it's actually, that this possibility is actually real.
I'm gonna have to choose that there is such a thing
as God's love coming towards me.
And then I just let it come as opposed to,
and I allow myself to be affected by it.
I allow myself to, I allow my feeling internally to change
my actually receiving his love.
It won't work to just mentally tell ourselves
and try to remind ourselves that God loves us.
It won't work.
We actually have to open ourselves up internally
and actually allow ourselves to be loved on.
Yeah.
And that begins to deal it at the root issue.
Yeah, it's really about dealing.
So that's interesting,
because like it's hard to fully come into agreement with him
when we don't believe that he loves us
is kind of what you were saying at the beginning
in your words, right?
It's hard what?
It's kind of hard to come into agreement with his truth
and have faith in that and everything.
You were saying something at the beginning
about if we don't believe that he loves us.
So one of the issues is to really receive his love.
Yeah.
Is that kind of what I'm getting there?
So we need to, okay, so we need to stop fighting his love.
Right.
So it's kind of like, it's two sides of the same coin
is the choosing that he loves us.
And in other words, receiving his love
and also letting go of the resistance to his love.
We have to stop that resistance and that's what's hard.
So it's a lot, if we think of it from the perspective
of, so it's a lot easier for us to think of it
from the perspective that receiving God's love
is our natural state.
The resistance is not natural.
Right.
And we have to let go of that resistance.
And that's hard because that's what that resistance is.
but we have built up in order to protect ourselves.
So we have to let that thing go.
And then we just have to allow the Lord to just,
we have to allow ourselves to be affected by,
to feel and to receive his love.
So we have to stop resisting.
If we stop resisting, we'll receive it
because that's our natural interaction with the Lord
is for him to send it and for it to move through us.
Resisting it isn't natural.
So as soon as we stop resisting,
like I said, it's two sides of the cane, same coin.
If you do this one, this one's done.
If you do this, so if you choose, you stop resisting.
If you stop resisting, you choose.
It's the same thing,
but it just kind of depends on your soul at the time
as to which direction you need to come at it from
because which one kind of makes sense to you,
which one helps you kind of get over your little hiccup
or your hurdle,
going at it from the stop the resisting and letting go
or coming at it from the choose.
Either way, you're doing the same thing.
You're just coming at it from two different angles.
Just kind of depends on what your soul needs at the time.
But maybe some of it is easier for,
so it depends on the person
as to whether it's easier for them to stop resisting
or for them to choose that God loves them.
That makes sense.
So it's really, yeah,
because I have clients who really struggle
to choose that God loves them.
They really, really have a hard time with that.
They just can't fathom that he loves them that much
because of the abuse they've gone through
and the trauma they've gone through, right?
Yeah.
So that's good.
And I mean, when it comes to the belonging thing,
so I don't know that I talked to you after this happened,
but this was really, really hard for me.
So this happened on New Year's Eve,
which was actually really convenient
because we have a couple of neighbors behind us
and beside us and they are people who we've been,
have I told you this story?
Have I told you about what happened with them?
No, but I know that your history
with the whole issue with their kids
and your little girl,
as well as like the vaccines and all that stuff.
So that part I've heard, yeah.
Well, I thought things were pretty good.
Like they swim at our house like all summer
and it's almost an open invitation.
They come over all the time
and we've always had a really good relationship with them.
We're very welcoming.
And our neighbors next door used to be Christians
and they're not anymore.
When we met them, they were and now they're not.
And the people behind us, they don't have the faith at all.
And so they might not be people
that we would just naturally gravitate to,
but we had a lot in common and the kids play together well
and it was nice chatting with them, right?
I thought we had a really good dynamic.
The one, the both of the women,
they struggle with mental health stuff.
So we've had lots of conversations about mental health.
And again, I just thought it was really good.
So New Year's Eve comes and I go out,
got to pick up a few things.
I come home around 6 p.m.
And Jason's like, come here, look back there.
And the house behind us, our neighbors,
they have like all windows at the back
so you can see everything.
So they had the next door neighbors over
for a New Year's party with all the kids
and didn't invite us or Aveya.
And it was really hard for me.
I cried so hard.
I bawled, I was so hurt.
I was devastated about that.
Just watching them all having fun
and the kids running around
and knowing that our family wasn't included.
And the three families, we always hang out.
We have a Facebook chat.
We always talk in like all this stuff
and it didn't make sense.
The only thing I could think of
is because we weren't vaccinated,
but still, like at that point,
I mean, so many people had gotten Omicron
and I mean, it wasn't still that people saw
the vaccine was just like not working.
That took a little while.
I don't even know what they think about that now.
But I also wondered like, why?
Like, what's wrong with us that they wouldn't invite us?
Why wouldn't they want to include us?
We include them all the time.
All summer we have them over
and it's never been an issue
that they've never offered to bring their hose over
and fill up our pool.
They've never offered to,
they've hardly offered like a,
thanks for having us over all summer, here's a gift.
Like nothing pretty much,
except one summer they got us like a bottle of wine, right?
And we don't care about that.
Like, that's not a big deal to me.
But what really hit me was when
they had the other neighbors over
and we weren't invited.
And I thought, I don't care if you give me anything
or say thank you, but that stung really hard.
That was bad for me.
I worked through it.
I was devastated.
It was very traumatic.
It doesn't sound like it would be,
but for me with my past around feeling like.
don't belong. It was brutal. I still haven't spoken to them. I
know that God- Wow, really? They haven't reached out at all?
They haven't reached. Well, our kids have played together. But I
have not, they haven't been over here. Our pool is about to get
open in a week. And I've been praying about this for months.
And I'm like, God, what do you want me to do with this? Because
I am so hurt that even talking about it, I could cry. And I'm
afraid that they're going to come over and I don't want to
be open and vulnerable with them about how I'm feeling because
I'm so hurt by it that I just don't even think they care.
Right. And so they are about we're about to open our pool up.
And guess what's going to happen? They're going to want to
come over and play and, and I want to be welcoming. I want to
love my neighbor, literally. And I also am so hurt. And I don't
know how to process it. And I've been working on this for
months, because I know it's coming. I'm like, okay, I can
push it down for a while. But it's going to happen where I'm
going to see them soon. And they're going to want to come
over and swim. And I don't know how to process it and love my
neighbor and just be okay with it all. Because I'm, I'm just
like, obviously still hurt by it so much.
Mm hmm. Yeah. So, um, so what is your your question?
What I have no idea how to actually be Christ centered, and
loving toward them when I'm so hurt.
Oh, well, um, the, you know, Christ centered and well, not
Christ centered. Like if you're talking about action, the the
action just comes from, you know, from the I don't know,
from shifting in the how to over the my goodness.
It's not so how we determine our actions that just comes from
our faith, meaning and I don't mean faith is in we're
Christian. I mean, faith is in what it is that we're that, that
God says our relationship with him, what he says about us,
what he and then from that, okay, like, okay, let me let me
let me rephrase, let me let me kind of this through a
different way. There's different ways I come at it. So I keep
trying to think what is the fastest, simplest way to
explain it? And
think of it this way, in, in, it's important to choose. So
what's coming up is you probably have Yes, you have pain, but
there's probably confusion and a sense of chaos. So it's like
in your is it does it feel like in your soul? And maybe even
your mind or maybe even your body and how it gets stressed
and anxious that there's that there is turmoil, that there is
confusion and that there's chaos? Is that what it feels
like? Yeah. So think of it like noise. Noise is what happens
when we're in unrest, you know, that confusion, that chaos and
whatever. So what we're trying and that means that in all of
that noise, we can't hear him. We can't get clarity. And that
that, that puts us in fear. Because we're there's one thing
of like, Oh, my goodness, how do I protect myself? And there's,
you know, and I'm I were this could happen and did it up. But
then we go to war like, Oh, what do I do? You know, how do I be
Christ like how do I whatever what's required of me, but what
we don't realize is that we're holding on to this idea that
we're like, say, for instance, holding on to the fear, right
right here. And then we're holding on to fear and whatever
will then if we're holding on to all of this, we can't grab a
hold of we can't grab a hold of the truth, we can only hold one
thing at a time. And so the Lord wants us to, to actually so as
opposed to us thinking, Okay, well, I've got all this fear,
you know, I'm questioning all of this, I'm wondering what I
should do. God, why aren't you telling me what to do? He said,
if you let this thing go first, I'll tell you what to do. So
this is actually keeping us from hearing God. So it's not that
God doesn't that God stopped talking to us. It's that he's
talking to us, but we can't hear him in the noise. We can't hear
him in our state of unrest, we actually have to come to a place
by letting the thing go. And then we're in shifting address,
then everything becomes clear. It's like the wind in the waves
finally dying down and, and, and stopping, and that in that storm
finally stopping, and the boat stopping rocking. It's weird. So
he's got all of this noise. So you actually have to give the
thing up first, in order
for God to come in and you to have that clarity from him
in relationship and then what to do.
And what we wanna do is we want,
okay, God, I'm in this situation.
I want you to save me from this situation.
I want you to fix this situation.
And God's like, no, I require you to give it up first
because it's not a threat to you.
Choose that it's not a threat.
And then I'll show you what to do.
Now that you're no longer threatened by it,
now that you have, now that you're choosing that,
now that you're choosing me over self-preservation,
now I'll show you, okay, as a son of God,
this is how you be Christ-like.
We can't be Christ-like in that.
Let me rephrase.
We can do things in this world
that kind of look like Christ,
that look like the things that he'd do,
but we can't be Christ unless we're in rest.
We can't actually be Christ in this situation.
We can do stuff that looks like something he might do,
but it won't have spirit in it.
All the non-Christians can do the same thing.
They can be really nice and be really sweet
and do loving things to one another,
but if it doesn't have spirit in it,
then it's not eternal and it's not of Christ.
And so what you're talking about
is you're talking about wanting to actually be Christ to them,
not doing something nice,
because you already know the nice things you could do.
But what you're wondering is,
how do you actually be Christ to them?
And in order to be Christ,
you actually have to be shifted into him.
You already are, but my point is like operating
from the place in which you're one with him,
that you're at your oneness of spirit.
And in order to shift into operating from that,
you have to stop operating from here by letting it go.
And so it's a sacrifice that God requires first.
That's the cause of this, requires us to let it go,
then we'll shift into that operating from the oneness
where we have clarity, where we have direction.
And when we operate from that place of rest,
clarity in the heart of God, we will be Christ.
We will be operating in spirit, which is eternal,
which will touch your relationships with them.
That is what can touch their souls.
That's what can touch their bodies
and touch their spirit.
That is bringing in the kingdom.
You can't bring in the kingdom if you're in fear,
because this isn't the kingdom.
This is the kingdom of this world.
It's not the kingdom.
So you have to let go of that one,
shift into this one in order to be able to bring it at all.
Otherwise over here, it's just nice things
that you're doing, you know,
and non-believers can do those things too.
It doesn't make it any different.
So you could do the nice things, you could do the mean things.
I mean, it's just, you know,
it's always better to do the nice things than the mean things,
but it's still of this kingdom.
It's of death, it's not of life.
Right. Well, and that's the issue, right?
It's because I know the nice things that I can do for sure,
but I'm like, I want to be authentic.
I want to be, I'm just switching rooms
because Jason's going to be home in a few minutes.
I want to be authentic.
I want to be real about, you know, what's going on.
And, but I also, I'm scared to be vulnerable with them.
I'm scared to actually have them know that I'm hurt.
I don't want them to know that I'm hurting.
I don't want them to know that I'm struggling with it.
Yet I'm hurt.
So I don't know how to not be hurt by it.
Like, I'm not sure how to actually just get out
of that place of pain around it.
Cause it's very painful for me.
Yeah. So the pain, you know,
that pain is where flesh is warring against spirit.
So it's where there's a difference.
There's a disalignment.
There's a disconnect between the two.
And so by choosing, by having your flesh,
your soul choose what it is that your spirit believes
is true, it's going to bring it into more alignment
and it's going to reduce.
I love your pants, by the way.
They're so cute.
Thanks.
My pajama pants.
Yeah, they're really cute.
It's going to decrease the pain.
It's going to decrease the hurt.
But anyway, I bet the thing is also,
if the more that, okay.
In a manner of speaking.
And if you are wanting to get through this, it's important that when you choose what it
is that's required for you to, what you have to choose, it's important that, that what
you choose is God, not, not being in pain anymore.
The not being in pain anymore will, can be, can be a natural eye product, but it can't
be the reason.
God always has to be the choice.
Your relationship with him, the free receiving in faith, the things that he told you that
he has given to you as gifts of love, choosing to receive his love through the form of his
inheritance that he's giving you, which is things like freedom, love, peace, joy, et
cetera.
But it's choosing him, not the benefits.
It's choosing him, not trying to just not be hurt.
Like God make me not hurt anymore.
We can pray that, sure.
And God can heal that.
There's nothing wrong with that.
We can do that, but that's, that's not enough.
That's not dealing with the root issue.
And it, depending on what it is that the Lord is doing in our lives at the time, it may
not change in order to change.
We have to choose him instead of it.
He has to become more important than our lack of pain is to us.
Like sometimes we can be hurting so bad.
We're like, I just want the pain to stop.
If we want that more than God, we can't shift out of it.
We have to want it, God, more than the pain, than the lack of pain in order to shift out
of the pain.
Well, and I think, you know, like I'm not in as much pain as I was because I was in
a lot of pain around it.
I've worked through it.
I also worked through my whole belief that I needed them and their friendships so that
my daughter would have friends to play with.
Yeah.
I remember.
Yeah.
Like I've worked through a lot of that stuff.
And I think now what's left over is this wound from child, like I felt like a little kid
that night crying.
It was so interesting that it was New Year's Eve too, because I'm like, okay, God, this
is interesting timing because tomorrow's a brand new year.
So how are you going to renew my mind this year?
But I recognized my issues around depending on them too much for that play date stuff.
I didn't need anything from them after I'd worked through that.
But what I did notice is that it's my core wound of I'm ostracized.
I don't belong.
Something's wrong with me.
People don't want to include me or be around me.
You know, it's that deeper wound that I'm, because it's so deep and I haven't healed
it yet.
I want to actually heal it before I see them again so that I can show up in that relationship
from a place of wholeness instead of this fragmented part of me that is like crying
out like a nine-year-old who didn't have anyone to play with at recess and felt like she didn't
belong.
Right.
And that's kind of where I feel like I'm at with it, where it's this old core wound that
was painful.
And so it's like, I'm okay with the pain of it, but I don't want to be, because the pain's
not as bad, but the pain will be ignited and triggered when I'm around them because it'll
remind me of my experience and what they did that triggered me, even though it's my wound.
So I know I can heal it.
I know I can show up with them and be Christ-like and be centered on him and be in my identity,
but I don't know how to deal with that deep wound from when I was young that keeps popping
up and getting triggered by this.
Well, to do it, there's different ways that you can do it.
And sometimes I do ask the Lord, especially in times where I just feel that my soul needs
that, I just ask him for help and ask him to heal me, ask him to help me to heal those
wounds, et cetera.
If we shift into rest, the inner wounds start to naturally heal.
We don't have to address them.
We don't even have to know that they're there in order for them to heal.
The thing is, why...
Sometimes some of our inner wounds really,
it really is helpful to just address them head on
and to deal with them, you know, head on.
I'm trying to think of an example
of what it is that I've done myself.
Let's see.
Like I've had people, other people pray for me
when I've gone through stuff that I felt like
I was just struggling so much in my faith.
I've had other people pray for me.
I've used tools, you know, that God has created,
whether it be like, I don't know, a counselor
or I don't know, techniques, stuff like that.
But it's important to always choose that,
to always choose God as our source
and that it's not the thing that,
and not give power to the thing.
But just to allow the thing to be part of the process.
But so anyway, so I don't want to villainize
the tools or psychological techniques
that people can give us of like, I don't know,
like writing down, writing down things
that someone that we have ought against other people
and then on a piece of toilet tissue
and then putting in the,
and then saying that we forgive them
and telling the Lord we forgive them
and then forgiving the other person
and then putting it in and flushing the toilet,
oh my word, it goes away,
or we burn it in the fire or whatever.
Those things can be helpful,
but all that they're doing is they're triggering us
to make a particular willful intent decision.
So I've used those techniques,
but I'm saying that,
so I'm saying that those are options and alternatives,
but there's also the aspect of like,
when we really do shift into knowing our identity in Him
and choosing that just continually,
whenever those things come up,
like, oh my goodness,
I just saw him outside of work in the flower garden
and it was like, oh goodness,
it comes up again or whatever.
We just intentionally choose the Lord.
We intentionally choose that whatever,
what he has said about me really is true.
This is who I am because he has declared it to be so.
And that, and then it actually naturally
because of how we're made, it becomes enough for us.
But, and you might have to just continue to choose it,
you know, as different things come up
and you will eventually realize one day
that you don't have to be,
that you'll stop being triggered
and you don't even have to remind yourself of it anymore
because you shifted so much.
So there is that,
but I did want to mention that if your faith struggles
to such a point as mine does sometimes
in certain areas,
then you do that as much as you're able
and the rest of it, do what,
I think it's number five on the practical shifting tools.
It is declare and go where your soul finds peace.
You declare that what God says is true really is true
and you do what your soul needs in order to get relief.
If you can't handle something,
then, you know, unless God just tells you,
you know, always try to listen to Lord
and hear what he says,
shift into as much rest as possible
in order to get that clarity,
ask the Lord for guidance and wisdom and all that.
And then just go where it is that it looks like
is the healthiest option for you at that time.
And it could just be being away
from a relationship for a while.
It could be not inviting them over to the pool.
It could be having them over at the pool
and, or they all decide to come over
and you see that and you just look outside,
just, hey guys, it's good to see y'all.
Sorry, I can't come out today,
but y'all have fun or whatever.
And you don't have to be with them.
You know, if that is what you need in that moment,
or if you feel in that moment,
no, I could go out and hang with them, you know,
whatever, but then you can do that.
So whatever it is that your soul needs,
and in the meantime, you know,
give yourself that time process
to like heal through this with the Lord
and choose your identity, et cetera.
And then in the meantime,
if you need to use different techniques, like I said,
not just the whole not spending time with them,
but like other things, you can use those things as well.
There's all of the letting go,
all of the practical shifting tools that I talk about,
all of that, but especially the no judgment one,
that's forgiveness is all it is.
That's forgiveness.
That's a, it's a one word to use for what that thing is,
is it's declaring that the same,
it shouldn't be, and it should be something else.
It's declaring that, nope, this is just the way that it is.
We're not giving up and we're not giving in.
We're not accepting it.
And we're like, okay, fine.
I'm going to allow it to exist.
We're just acknowledging that it is that we're acknowledging that that is
currently the situation that's reality.
And we're, we're just allowing it.
We're allowing we're internally, we're allowing it.
And we're stopping, uh, pushing back on it.
It's saying, no, you shouldn't be reality.
No, it is accepted.
It's reality.
Um, we're not perceiving it.
We're not agreeing with it.
We're not saying that it has permission to stay.
We're just acknowledging it.
So we're moving ourselves to neutral ground and then we can start shifting
into our, and then we can be in our, uh, uh, our default state
because we stopped the resistance.
Is that helpful?
Yeah.
So just, yeah, like kind of, and I think to a certain degree I've said like this
is it, and I'm, I can have peace in this place and I can believe, cause I know
deep down that God will bring good out of everything.
And I think it's like this insecurity in me, right?
That I'm, I'm, I feel like I'm getting down to the last, not the last, but
cause there's always going to be new opportunities, but I'm getting down to
the deepest layers of my trauma and, and really finding freedom in that.
And there are just a couple things.
And one of the things that's come up a lot is this idea around belonging and being
torn apart if I don't feel like I belong.
And I know it's a deep wound.
And so I think, yeah, like just, I also in a sense have given them power over me to
make me feel a certain way, because if I see them, I get triggered.
And if I just knew who I was in Christ and just stood on that there, there's so
much freedom in that.
And yet it's like, it vacillates between I know who I am and I'm good.
And then, oh my gosh, like I feel really wounded and hurt right now.
Yeah.
Well, it's going around the mountain, but just think of it like you are going around
the mountain again, but you're going up as opposed to just going around.
You're, you're going up.
So it is going around the mountain, but it's that you're going to it.
You're, you're going into deeper levels of rest and of this into deeper levels of
rest by getting into deeper levels of this wound.
So, you know, it is moving up, but it can feel like, oh my goodness, I'm revisiting
it. And you're not, you're just revisiting it at a deeper, at a deeper level, going,
going higher and more in deeper interest.
Yeah.
It's like, it's like all this heat that I'm rising up on the thermals.
It's like the heat of what's going on inside.
Right.
I mean, like that's one of the things is really the belonging.
And so, so the crux of it is just to shift into who I am and him and know that he's
going to give me the wisdom that I need in the moment to be able to know what to do.
So there's no chaos and confusion.
And that, I mean, I think, you know, I'm kind of going back to that love others as
yourself. And if I'm standing in that love place with myself and I'm in rest and I'm
really in that deep rest, then I can literally love my neighbor more.
That's who you are, because you're, because you're loving them from who you are, as
opposed to something you're trying to do.
The old man has to do something because it's not natural for him, but the old man
says that you don't have to operate from him and you literally can't.
So, you know, operating from the new man, it's very effortless to love them.
So, well, I have to go, but I want to make sure that you are that I finished answering
your question. Are you good?
Yeah, I think so.
I would love I'd love to go back over what you shared and and just, you know, if I
don't know if you have the Zoom recording that I could download, I don't know if
that's something that you.
Both of them or one of them or what?
Um, you know what, if you are able to send me both, I would love to go over both of
them again and just solidify more of what you you said, if you're cool with that.
Sure. Yeah, I'll send those to you.
I have to wait for them to process and download, though.
I don't know if I'll get it to today.
It'll be hopefully it'll be out by at least tomorrow.
So. Yeah, no, that's perfect.
That's perfect. Cool.
OK, that's good.
I'll process through all that and I'll probably well, touch base with you again
soon about a few things.
But I might I might do another call with you, too, just to kind of.
touch base about after I listened to the recordings, if
anything else comes up.
Okay. All right. Sounds good.
Well, it's good to thank you, Lana. You're welcome.
You too. Thank you. Thank you. It gives me lots to process and
think about and stand on the truth of really.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Well, thank you. I'm so happy for you and enjoy the rest
of your day.
planning and everything and I will talk to you soon.
All right. Sounds good. Bye, Lana.
Okay, bye.