Hey, Kaelin, good to see you.
Okay, awesome.
Then Michelle, I am going to have you mute just in case there's any background.
All right. Yeah, like I said,
hopefully some more ladies jump on.
I'm not sure how many people showed up last week for this one o'clock time slot.
But we usually have a little bit more than we have right now.
Anyway, we'll get started regardless.
I'm just going to cover a couple of housekeeping.
Those of you that are watching in replay that may not know me,
I am Karla Johnson.
I am a coach here at Last Year Single.
I am a success story.
Been through the program myself after a couple of years of the highs,
the lows, all the in-between that this program will take you on,
that God will take you on,
and all the healing that God will work in you.
Then I did that as well.
Then my spirit mate did arrive on God's time, not mine.
Yeah, that's just a little bit about me.
Is there anybody new?
I know we established Michelle,
this is her second week.
Anybody else new?
I know Lisa's here and Caitlin,
I've seen you in the app a little bit too,
so I know you are not brand new.
But those of you that are watching in replay and are new,
we want to welcome you.
We want to encourage you to show up.
I know that a lot of women that show up to these live get so much breakthrough.
I know when I was in the program,
it was really helpful to come to the live sessions,
to put my camera on,
to engage with the women that were on the call,
as well as Jackie and the other coaches.
It's super, super helpful.
If you can make it live,
you will get the most from those live sessions.
But obviously, we put them in replay because we know life gets busy.
Replays are fine too,
but we definitely encourage you to at least make one to two live sessions
before you skip over to the last year single all community,
which is like you go through the heart work and you're in that for a little bit,
and then you jump over here to Love Story,
Accelerator, Stage, Phase, whatever you want to call it.
Then once you've completed all those five videos,
come to some live sessions,
engage in our community,
have been here at least four to five weeks.
Then we encourage you ladies to go over to the bigger part of the community,
which is the all community,
so where there's other great teachings as well.
We have this smaller community just to get you ladies jump
started with dating and engaging and letting us know and getting vulnerable,
because that's a big part of this walk,
of this journey is allowing yourself to get vulnerable and share your experiences.
When you share, you're actually helping other people get breakthrough.
Then it helps us coaches to be able to get an idea of like,
what are some of the challenges or things that we can pour wisdom into?
Is there a trend in the community?
Because that always happens.
Y'all, I cannot tell you.
I'll get on these calls or I'm in the app or I'm conversing with
Ebony when she's on her afternoon calls, evening calls.
We'll see trends of things that are happening.
Y'all, I think that's supernatural.
God wants to reveal something,
and we can't do that if we're not coming here and sharing what's going on in your life,
and you sharing and being vulnerable.
I know for some of you,
that is going to be intimidating.
You might have had some wounds in community before.
That can be scary, and I get it.
I totally, totally get it.
But again, I can only share my testimony,
and Ebony will share hers,
and all his coaches will share.
Just having been in this program since 2020 myself,
having coached for now almost two years in this community,
the breakthroughs do happen.
They really, really do when we show up,
and it is really, really a safe community.
Some of my bestest friends actually came from this community.
Y'all, I'm 42 years old,
and I joined this community at,
I think it was 37, 36, 37.
And some of my best friends now, I have gained from this community.
So I want you ladies to be comfortable getting uncomfortable.
Does that make sense?
All right.
So that's just a little bit for those of you that are in replay, or I know there's a couple
more of you that jumped on if you're brand new.
So yeah, just a couple housekeeping items.
Just a reminder, we do have an admin email, but we can't take personal coaching questions
through that email.
And so now we will be offering one-on-one coaching sessions for additional cost with
several of our amazing coaches here at Last Year Single, myself and Ebony included.
And so when that gets launched, y'all will get emails for that.
We do still take, I mean, even currently I take one-on-one sessions as well.
So if you are in dire need of a one-on-one session, and like I said, it's additional
cost, there's limited spots, then you can email for those things, but you can't ask
the admin like personal coaching questions.
You have to be able to come into the community and share those things.
Or like I said, if you really feel like you just need a one-on-one 50-minute session,
then we do offer those at additional cost.
Now, if you have a question about like someone on the team that it's a technical question,
maybe something with the app, like again, post it in our community and we can direct
you.
We can either go find the answer for you or we can direct you on who to contact to get
your question answered.
So don't ever hesitate to ask any and all questions in the app.
That's what we're here for.
We're here to help you navigate those things.
And so, yeah, and then when you're ready to move on to the all community, that's when
you'll also email that admin as well, that admin email, which is admin at JackieDorman.com
if you don't already know it.
Okay.
All right.
Got some more ladies on, but I'm not seeing a lot of faces.
So ladies, please, please, please come on camera if you can.
I've got to figure out why my chat is not showing up the way that I want it to.
That's really weird.
It's got like a new thing where it just shows me when people joined.
It kind of mucks up the chat, but I'm not worried about that right now.
All right.
So yeah, ladies, if you can come on, please, please do.
So tell me, how did you ladies do last week with the activation that Ebony shared?
Like, what are some things that you, like, how did you deny your flesh?
How did you let go of any, did you let go of any distractions last week?
Like, what are some ways that you partnered with God and what God wants for you?
Did anybody, did anybody want to share that experience?
I can, if that's okay.
Okay.
So fasting is always what the Lord calls me to usually, because I love to eat.
And so, yeah.
Happy all girl.
I know.
I'm like, are you sure Lord?
Are you sure you want me to fast?
But yeah, fasting would be denying the flesh.
And then also like, I have a tendency to get lost in Facebook sometimes, like scrolling.
And so I still have gone up there for limited things, but I'm definitely noticing how much
of a distraction that is.
So those are just two things.
I love that.
Yeah.
Endless Facebook scroll.
Oh my word.
I get, I get sucked into that really, really easy.
My ADD can kick in and I'll be in on one thing.
And the next thing you know, then I'm then, and now it's like, they give you Amazon ads
for like cute clothes and stuff.
And then I jump into Amazon and then I'm looking at outfits that I don't even need.
No, that's me too.
And lately it's been popping up with rings and I'm like, maybe Facebook knows something
that I don't know, you know, like.
Yes, girl.
Like now that one, I will tell you, go dream, go pick out some rings, go like do a Pinterest
board because that will activate something.
I did that.
Jackie actually had us do that activation early on when I joined the program and I had
a whole like Pinterest board of all these different rings, you know?
And then when I met my husband, he's like, Hey, send me pictures of rings that you want.
And I was like, got it.
But you know what?
But the crazy thing is, is it, I didn't end up sending him any of the ones that I pinned
because God led me to do a different style of ring.
And it's kind of a funny story.
It won't go into the huge detail, but I.
add this ornament on my tree
that I bought as an activation at Christmas time.
And I didn't even realize it,
but all of the rings that I was showing him
looked identical to that ornament.
And then that's actually the ring
that my husband proposed to me with.
And it didn't even dawn on me.
But do that activation, girl.
Allow yourself to be distracted with the rings.
I was like, I feel like this is a prophetic sign.
What was it?
I feel like there's some biblical correlation to this.
I can't think of it right now,
but maybe it was in Nehemiah.
I don't know, I'll have to bring it up.
But another thing too,
and I'll make this quick so other people can talk,
but I was looking at the verse,
hope deferred makes the heart sick.
You know, and when it comes, it is your tree of life.
And I'm like, okay, but sickness of heart
is not of the Lord.
That's not the Lord's will.
His will is wholeness and health.
And so our hope being deferred,
I think what the Lord showed me through that this week
was that I had misplaced my hope and faith.
I had misplaced my hope,
which meant that there wasn't faith in,
I don't know how to explain what I'm trying to say, but.
Yeah, no, you bring that up and I know,
and oh man, I wish I could go back and reference.
Jackie has done teachings on that scripture
because sometimes it's completely taken out of context.
Yeah.
So I like that you like meditated on it
and God revealed something different for you.
Yeah, it was really good.
Because I think that's powerful.
Because there's, y'all,
there's a lot of scripture out there
that it can get taken out of context.
Like we have to use,
and it kind of goes back into just spending time
with the Lord and asking Holy Spirit
to reveal things to us.
And again, like if y'all watch Supernatural Saturday
about that gift of discernment
and being able to really discern teachings and people
and all of those things,
like that gift of discernment is super powerful.
And so I like that you,
I really like that you bring that up.
So that's so good.
Anybody else want to share like what,
what worked for you this week?
Like what things did you let go of?
What distractions?
How, what were some ways that you've partnered
with what God wants for you?
Anybody else?
All right.
I can share quickly.
Yes.
So last week, Ebony also like took Bethany's post
and asked us to do an activation where she asked us to like,
how do you spend your first five minutes in the morning?
So we made a plan and we decided like,
how are we going to do that?
So I said that I will speak in tongues
first thing in the morning
and then speak the scriptures over me
that I am wonderfully and fearfully made
and then give gratitude for my day.
And I've been doing that since like SNS Bethany,
sorry, after we made that plan.
And then I feel like the day goes by so smooth.
Not that I didn't feel like I was also
on my periods last week.
So it was just all over the place.
I get it.
But it was really helpful.
Like I was able to intentionally do that.
And I also said that I won't look at any messages
first thing in the morning when I'm awake
before going to the Lord.
So that was really nice too.
I appreciate Ebony doing that.
And that changed the entire day
to just start it with the Lord.
Good, yes.
I'm so glad you even brought that up
because that was the next thing I was going to cover.
So I want you ladies to continue
to put yourself in alignment with the Holy Spirit each day
for like the next 50 to 60 days.
So like Lisa was sharing,
like waking up in the morning,
speaking scripture over herself,
praying in tongues,
worshiping, not checking messages first thing
when she wakes up in the morning.
Prophesy over your life.
Like do those things.
Pray in the spirit, declare scriptures.
What are some things that you want to do
in those first waking moments?
How are you going to put yourself
in alignment with Holy Spirit?
So yeah, I guess she probably had you guys
find some scriptures, right?
On the call, looks like she said,
she shared a little bit of this with me.
That's why I'm going over it
because I was not here last week.
So yeah, ladies, I want you to continue to do that.
I really love that activation.
She was sharing just success with that.
So we definitely feel that Holy Spirit
really wants us to focus on that for you ladies.
And so I want to continue to encourage you to do so.
Cool, is everybody good with that?
Good, good, good.
Got 10 ladies on here.
All right, remember if you can come on camera,
I know a few more people popped in.
Please do, I know some of you are at work, so I get it.
I don't feel like I'm just constantly calling you out.
I get it, but I just want to give those reminders.
I'm going to go into a little bit of a teaching and we pulled it from the Supernatural Saturday.
Raise your hand if you have not gotten to watch Supernatural Saturday yet.
One, two, three, I think it was Michelle, both Michelles and then is that my girl Bernice?
It's a Zoom user.
Yes, I see you girl.
Tina.
Okay, so four of you ladies have not seen Supernatural Saturday.
So y'all are going to make a note right now and you're going to watch that.
Okay?
Ladies, please, please, please make sure you catch the Supernatural Saturdays.
I can't tell you just all of the Holy Spirit that's dripped on those.
Y'all, Jackie has such an anointing.
She prophetically, I mean, she's just, she's good at it, right?
God has given her this gift to really speak into this community.
Obviously, she started this community.
I cannot tell you just how impactful listening to those Supernatural Saturdays will be for
you.
When I came in the program, it was much smaller, we had a smaller community, so we got a lot
more of Jackie.
Okay?
Now, here we have, you know, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds is a much larger community.
And so, you know, Jackie is, you know, working more things behind the scenes for our community
to just bring more people in.
So she's not, she's not as present as when we first started.
And so I really want you ladies to capitalize on those Supernatural Saturdays and be there
live.
And then when you move over to the all community, I want you ladies to get in the habit of showing
up to these live sessions because a lot of times she's the one doing those live sessions.
So it's really important to start that habit now.
So definitely go check it out.
So yeah, Michelle, I get it if you're not always free on Saturday mornings.
I'm the same way.
But yeah, replay it.
Y'all, last night I couldn't sleep.
And so I just replayed Supernatural, like I do that.
I'll just replay Supernatural Saturdays when I can't sleep.
Like I'll listen to them several times even through the week because they're just that
good and I'll hear something new the second, third time around that I didn't hear the first
time.
Now, usually I'm always walking around with a piece of paper and pen because I'm always
writing things down.
I have a list of notes all over my house.
So jot down notes when you hear certain things, put it on your Jesus care board, put it on
your prayer board, all of that.
So from the Supernatural Saturday, we and after just looking through the community and
really preying on it, we really felt led to kind of talk to you ladies about this understanding
how entitlement can show up in dating.
And so let's just unpack that a little bit.
So let's just go over like what is entitlement, all right?
So entitlement is that belief that you deserve something simply because you want it without
having to earn it or respecting another person's autonomy.
So in dating, it can show up expecting outcomes, responses, or behaviors from others based
on what we've invested and how we feel rather than accepting that other people have their
own free will and choices.
Ladies, I, this is powerful to me because I've been where you've been and now I'm on
the other side of marriage.
And so for those of you ladies that have never been married before, this is going, you're
going to, it will hit you once you get married.
Now those of you ladies that have been married before, you probably have an understanding
of this, but your husband is completely different person from you.
It just is.
And so you'll have to learn that your husband is not always going to do things that you
want him to do because he has his own free will.
Not that he's not going to care and love you, but he had like, your husband is going to
have different life experiences, different things that God's, you know, taking him on
a journey.
And so he's going to have different life experiences.
And so he's going to respond differently than you.
I mean, another fun fact, ladies, is we're completely different.
gender. Men are are programmed differently than women, believe
it or not. And so it's practicing some of this stuff
now because, and I know ladies, I was, you know, going over this
a few hours ago and praying over this. And you know, I realized
how sometimes I show up entitled in my marriage. So it's, I
don't want you to think that this is something that you need
to carry shame on or guilt or anything like that. Like we all
have a tendency at times in our life to get entitled about
certain things. It's important that we recognize it. And when
it gets revealed to us, we pray into it, we ask God to heal
certain things in us that's causing this belief. Okay. So
where this broken heart connection come from, like where
this can come, you know, this, that entitlement can come from
is, like, if we've been hurt, or disappointed or rejected, you
know, many of us are not, you know, little teenagers that
haven't had relationships, you know, some of you know, most of
us have probably had a heartbreak in our past or some
trauma, whether it's tied to our families, or our formers, former
relationship, former husbands, whatever that is. And so, you
know, it's tied to that, like, if we've been hurt, we've been
disappointed, we've been rejected, that pain can create
this sense of God owes me something or a guy that you're
on a date with owes you something. Like we understand
that you all have experienced hurt. I have, y'all like I used
to carry it around as a trophy. But remember, you got to you
want to, you want to partner with I'm different now, so that
you can continue to heal and approach all these new
connections with openness instead of these expectations
that aren't healthy. So everybody on board with that?
Does everybody understand? Thumbs up? You get it? Good.
Okay. And again, this is we all do it. Y'all I was in this
program, I was dating all the time. Even after heartwork, I
still found myself doing it. So it's it's not a I can't do this
anymore. I'm like, God doesn't have something for me. That's
not what we're saying. This is, we want to recognize it because
it's going to upgrade you and help you when you get into
marriage. This is gonna show up in your marriages. I can't tell
you there's times where I get so frustrated, because my husband
is not responding the way I want him to. You know, and, and
luckily, like we're both healthy individuals, we walk
through it, we talk through it, we partner with God, you know,
and sometimes we have a good laugh about it. Like, oh, gosh,
I can't believe I did that. I can't believe I said that. I
can't believe like, you know, I responded the way that I did.
Okay. So I'm going to give you some examples of how first I'm
going to first give you examples of how we partner with
entitlement. Okay. So these are the things that we can do. And
when we and we see them like this is us being being entitled.
Okay. And I read through these and I was like, went through all
of these. I was like, man, I've done I've done these before.
I've done these in my dating before I met my husband. And
I've even done them in my marriage. So I was like, whoa,
reality check, like, you know, Lord help me with this. So
there's the expecting reciprocal interest. Okay, so it's like, I
really like him. So he should like me back. Or I've been clear
about my feelings. So he owes me a response. Anybody else?
Anybody ever done that? I used to like I'm a catch. And I, you
know, he I like him. So he should like me. He should want
to take me on another date. And then I get mad when that didn't
happen. And then I get you know, angry at him and think he's a
horrible guy when he really wasn't. Or get angry God. This
is another one. Time investment entitlements. This is what I see
frequently. We've been dating an X amount of weeks or an X
amount of months. So he should be ready to commit to me. We
have a timeline in our head like what it needs to look like. And
by golly, God needs to be on my timeline. This guy needs to get
on my timeline. Y'all that does not work. Emotional labor
expectations, expecting someone to heal at our pace, or in our
preferred way. But also forgetting that you've been
through heartwork. You've been through a heart healing
journey, and the men you meet may not have had that type of coaching or support.
I can't tell you how many women, and I did this, I would just be chatting with somebody
and I would just jump to conclusion that that person didn't do any healing.
Maybe he did, and maybe he didn't.
But I was so quick because it didn't look the way that heart healing looked for me.
So we've got to be careful of that.
Communication style demands.
He should know how to communicate better.
If he cared, he would text me more or differently.
He'd text me in a different way or he'd text me more.
He needs to communicate better.
I can't tell you how I used to be like that.
I used to think I was a good communicator, the men I was dating was not.
There's times I think my husband is not a good communicator and I'm a better communicator
than he is.
He just communicates differently than me, y'all.
Truth be told, I actually think my husband's probably a better communicator than I am.
I don't tell him that often because I don't want it to get to his head, but it's true.
We think people need to communicate in a certain way and we expect that from them.
Maybe they aren't the best communicator.
Maybe that's an area that God needs to work on them.
Some of you ladies might marry men that aren't perfect at communication and through your
marriage he's going to grow in his communication and you're going to grow in your communication
too.
Perfect progression timelines.
Believing there's a right timeline that someone should move at our preferred speeds.
This one I see frequently show up in this community.
I get questions all the time.
So how long until I can have the exclusivity talk?
How long until I can talk to him about his faith?
How long until I can expect them to not be dating other people?
We give you guardrails, but there's really no set timeline.
God's timeline is the right timeline and if you're in alignment with him and you're partnering
with him, then his timeline will unfold.
I can't tell you if I met my husband sooner than I did, I would have probably never given
him a chance.
He and I would not have been ready had we met a year prior and y'all, I was in this
community for over two years.
I think it was just about, I was a little over two years when I finally was introduced
to my husband.
If I had met him a year prior, a year into heartwork, we would probably not be married.
I would have cut and run.
I mean, I already tried to cut and run the first time we were chatting, but my heart
had to get prepared.
God's timing had to come in place.
There were so many other factors that played into our coming together and God confirming
that the relationship was to move forward and go into marriage.
So I want you ladies to work on letting go of these perfect timelines, that they have
to go, like a guy has to meet your speed.
Okay, now again, if you ladies are showing up and sharing with us like the progression
and what's going on on your dates and how the interaction is, we're able to coach you
through some of that.
We can help you see blind spots.
We can help you see areas.
We can help you communicate better with the guy that you're dating.
If things don't feel like it's, there's like a hiccup, that's what we're here for.
And the last way that we can partner with entitlement, and there's more examples, but
I'm going to give you one more, is expecting someone new to make up for old wounds.
So you have past hurt compensation.
You're hurt by what other men have done.
And so you want this guy to come in and be that knight in shining armor and make up for
all those old wounds.
Y'all, you can't put a man in a Jesus hole in your heart.
Jesus is the only one that's going to be able to heal those wounds.
No man.
No husband is going to be able to do that.
Okay, so now how do we shift out of that entitlement to empowerment?
So these are things that
when you recognize, okay, so it's recognizing that pattern.
So when you notice that you're thinking he should or I deserve, these are often entitlement red flags.
So when you ladies are sharing or you're communicating or you're thinking or you're feeling and all those things and you're thinking well
he should have done this and he should have done that and you know,
I deserve this and I don't deserve someone to do this to me. Those are sometimes like, okay,
this is a flag to recognize is this entitlement and let's process through it, sharing community.
Okay.
Another way to shift out of this is so when you see that then it's like separate your investment
from expected outcomes.
This is huge.
This one I think is really powerful that I think if you ladies can grab hold of this,
there's going to be so much growth and it's going to just
change your whole perspective of dating.
It did that for me.
So your feelings,
your time,
your energy are
gifts
that you choose to give.
You make a choice to show up and date.
You make a choice to invest your time. You make a choice to share your feelings.
You share your energy. You make time, like all of that. It's a gift.
But it does not, it is not an invoice that requires payment.
Hold on to that one.
Y'all ever hear like when, like God, like when we give, like when we give gifts,
it's always, it's, we talk about it's better to give than to receive, right?
Giving without the expectation of something in return.
That's a heart posture, y'all.
So if we're investing ourselves and giving our time and giving our gift of ourselves
and we're expecting something in return,
that's not a good heart posture.
That's a, that's a, that's an unhealthy heart right there.
Those of you that have watched the Divine Feminine,
that's manipulation.
You're giving something to someone because you're trying to manipulate them to give you something back.
So you have to separate
my investment in my dating experience is a gift for somebody,
but they're not gonna, I, I'm not owed anything by that.
So you need to work on viewing your dating experiences, opportunities, and I preach this.
I've been preaching this for almost two years in this community with Coaching You Ladies.
Your dating experiences are always opportunities, even the ones that you are like frustrated about or the guy shows up and is a real jerk.
Because ladies don't have dates like that. I had them. I had guys that were just absolute disgusting jerks.
But if I held on this, like I didn't deserve to be treated like that
and went on, like I invested my time. I took time away from my son.
I'm a single mom because I did that y'all. I, that was sometimes what played in my head and once I could
unlock
and tap out of that belief
and be like, you know what?
That guy was a real jerk.
But what opportunity can I learn from this?
What's God showing?
A lot of times it was just like a gratitude that God revealed it
so quickly
and I recognized
those guys and I was able to be like, Lord, you're protecting me.
You're revealing this to me because I was the type of person that stayed in unhealthy relationships.
Thinking the guy would change,
ignoring all of those warning signs.
So the fact that I wasn't doing that anymore, y'all that was growth.
That was huge.
So if you look at these dating experiences as opportunities
for you to continue to grow and that you're not owed something, ladies, this dating experience will be a whole new
like ballgame for you.
I can't, I, I cannot stress it enough. I, I mean, and those of you ladies that have been with me for a few months,
you probably have heard me share it. You could go into the next phase and, and the ladies there will tell you,
oh yeah, Carla would always tell us that.
But I think it's really important for you guys to be able to
because it's true. Another way of shifting out of that entitlement and being
continue to grow.
I think it's really important for you guys to be able to continue to grow.
empowered is focus on what you can control. You can control your own
choices, you can control your own boundaries, and you can control your
responses rather than trying to control someone else's feelings or actions. Those
are the only things that you can control. How you show up.
And then practice curious detachment. So what that means is I wonder what's
happening for him instead of why isn't he doing what I want. This is that
practicing that supernatural surrender. You have those tools, you learned them in
heart work, you will use them in this dating journey of yours, you will use
them in your marriages. You have to supernaturally surrender. So ask yourself
have I prayed today and given God permission to work in every every area
of my life. Huge, huge, huge, huge, huge. That's something that I still have to
work on in my marriage, in my blending my family, just how I show up every day.
I'm like oh I didn't I didn't really partner with God on this situation.
That's probably why I'm feeling a little angst. It's probably why I'm
feeling you know there's disconnect in my home because I haven't I haven't
spent time with God and supernaturally surrendered certain things that are
completely out of my control. And last like honor your needs without demanding
others meet them. That's huge. You can need consistency and choose to date
someone who naturally proves it rather than expecting someone to change. Does
that make sense?
Like honor your needs, like be consistent with it, but don't expect other people to
to do it for you or to change. All right so we're gonna open up for questions but
before I do that I'm gonna give you guys some lady you ladies some reflection
questions. And so I want you ladies to unmute, spend some time with this with
some of these questions. You don't have to answer all four of them. I'm gonna
give you four of them. I want you to just take a minute. Which one sticks out to
you? Which one do you want to pray and meditate on? And then you can unmute and
share. You can ask your questions and we'll spend the next like 30 to 40
minutes doing that. Okay so where do you notice entitlement showing up in your
dating life? You just sit and think about that one. Does that one kind of you know
does that question like is there anything that kind of comes to surface?
How might your past hurts be creating present expectations?
So how our past hurts creating what you're expecting now in dating? What
would dating look like if you released the need for specific outcomes? Spend
time praying on that one ladies.
I will tell you that will that alone will help you unlock that this dating
experience because y'all it took me a while when I was in this program to jump
back into dating. It really did. It really really did. And so but once I was able to
release those outcomes, dating actually became enjoyable. Not all the time but
majority of the time. Because I know so many women are like oh online dating in
the past just never worked for me. Oh I you know dating has never worked for me.
I've always had these bad experiences. If we shift what our specific outcomes are
it will dating can actually be enjoyable. Discovery dating can actually be really
healing and can allow a lot of opportunity for growth. The last question
how can you honor your worth without demanding others prove it to you? That
one's huge for me. I've struggled with my identity and worth before this program
and the heartwork really helped me tap into what my actual worth was and who I
was and whose I was.
And I was constantly wanting other people to show me that I was worth it, to prove that
I was worth it.
I was constantly seeking other people's approval.
Sometimes I still sometimes struggle with that.
But if I'm doing that, then I'm not honoring who I actually am.
So sit with that.
Is there any of that, any of what we kind of just, what I just unpacked with you ladies,
is there anything that's surfacing, anything that you ladies want to share, questions you
want to ask?
I'm going to open the floor to you.
Raise your hand.
I'll call on whoever.
I got Lisa, anybody else?
We've got like 30, 40 minutes here.
I got Michelle, Lisa, Michelle, anybody else?
Don't be shy, ladies.
I got 13 of you on here.
I see some new faces, well, I don't see a lot of faces.
I see some new names because I wasn't here last week.
All right, I'm going to open the floor to Lisa and then Michelle and ladies, throw your
avatar hands up.
Let us hear your thoughts.
Let us know your questions, all that.
Hey, Lisa, how are you?
You're experiencing some dating now.
You're getting that muscle working.
I'm seeing it.
I love it.
I'm trying.
I don't know how I'm doing, but I'm trying.
You're moving forward.
You're doing great.
As long as you're moving forward, you're doing great.
So with the questions that you just noted, I just wanted to point out one thing and then
I'll ask my actual question.
So I noticed that what is actually hurting me in my heart is somebody would say that,
so somebody responded that and said, happy Friday, Lisa.
How are you?
I would really like to get to know you.
And then I said, I'm good, thank you.
So maybe I just responded too soon about the video call.
I didn't know what else to talk.
So I just said, hey, I would love to have a video chat with you if you would be interested.
And then he just never responded.
So what is hurting to my heart is people do want to initiate and then they have good intentions
in the beginning to get to know.
And then when we would respond, like when I would respond, they would just not get back.
And that frustrates me.
I mean, I was also, as I said, I was on my period, so I was like high on emotions.
So I wasn't able to manage myself so well.
So that's like, okay, I just started dating and that's so frustrating.
So how do we?
Yes, go ahead.
Oh no, go ahead.
I'm going to let you finish.
Yeah.
So like, how do I, how do I come to a position of rest and knowing that whether my spirit
mate is, he's going to respond and like God is bringing him.
So if these people are not responding, that's okay.
Like, I mean, I can tell that right now so nicely, but Sunday and Saturday, I wasn't
able to.
I girl, you like, I get it because I, I experienced all of that in dating ladies.
It gets frustrating.
You get, especially if you're online and you're like, especially y'all like online dating
can sometimes just be a drag.
Like it just, there's a lot of ladies that are, I mean, and I was one of these people
I'm like, Oh, I don't want to have to do online dating.
I had to change my perspective.
Like I had to, I had to start practicing the muscle and I was fine and I shifted my, my
perspective.
But yeah, it can be frustrating, especially when you're looking at a profile and it reads
well and he's got some cute pictures.
You're like, you get excited.
This guy's interested in me.
It, it gives you a little dopamine hit when they're reaching out to you.
It feels good.
So then when all of a sudden it goes like this, there is that like, Oh, and all that
is, is, you know, we, we got it.
Okay.
Am I being rejected?
Do I have an issue with rejection?
And again, like it can not feel good, but we don't want to stay in it.
So Lisa, yeah, your Saturday and Sunday, you might've just been in, in, in the, you know,
muck of it, but now you're not staying there.
You're speaking truth, but you have to recognize, okay, what lie am I believing here?
And what's the truth?
Cause the truth is you're God defended.
Amen.
You're God defended.
Those guys don't respond to you.
And guess what?
You might've just dodged a huge bullet.
God might've just shut that door, whatever.
We don't have to focus on, on all of that.
We don't have to focus on, okay, this guy reached out and then he kind of just stopped.
We don't know what happened, but we do know that we're God defended and we're God protected.
We know that.
and my husband's going to respond to me.
My husband is going to see me as his wife
and he's going to respond.
He's going to invest in that time.
And so it's speaking that truth.
It's kind of like what Ebony prompted you ladies to do.
Take those first five minutes,
speak the scripture over yourself.
Pray those, you know, just constantly prophesy,
prophesy over how your husband is going to respond to you.
My husband is not going to not reach out to me.
Okay?
Now let's talk about this video call
because I like that you brought that up.
Yeah.
So just a follow up question on what you just said.
So how much do I wait?
Like, do I wait one day, two day
and then just let that go from my heart?
That, okay, this person didn't respond
so maybe he's not interested.
Before he said he is.
So like, how much do I wait?
Like two days?
How much time do you need?
True, right?
Like to respond.
It, like, are you saying like,
okay, when he doesn't respond,
then like you have to,
if he doesn't, if you've put it out there,
guess what?
You don't respond.
You put it in his court.
Okay.
Because now if you feel like you have this need,
like, okay, I waited a day
and he never responded to my question.
Do I need to,
like, if you have this tendency
where you feel like you have to respond
if they didn't respond,
then we're going to,
and this is,
you see this as a habit,
then we're going to need to unpack
some of the anxious attachment
because that's anxious attachment.
Right.
So, but like, when do we like just,
okay, got it.
You answered it.
Okay.
I will just let them go from my heart.
Like, and not, not unmatch them,
not do anything.
Just like, nope.
Just leave it.
And because who knows,
maybe something can,
you just, we never know the behind the scenes
because maybe a catastrophe happened.
And he just forgot to respond
or something took his mind off of something.
Maybe he was dating someone else
and his investment was there.
And then guess what?
A week or two later,
maybe that kind of fell through.
He might circle back around
and want to entertain it.
This is why these are level, level one.
Like that, at that point, it's level one.
You haven't really invested a whole lot into it.
There's not a lot of heart investment
that will need to be going in there.
And if we are finding
that our heart is getting invested
in that early, early stage,
then we're going to need
to unpack some heartwork stuff with that.
Got it.
Okay.
Yeah.
So talking about video call.
Yeah.
So this is good.
So ladies, when you are,
like you're on the apps,
they're reaching out,
you're reaching out.
We want a couple reciprocated exchanges.
So if someone reaches out to you,
so let's take, for example,
if we could rewind the clock, Lisa,
and this guy sent you,
happy Friday,
I would like to get to know you better.
Like, how's your Friday going?
Your response could be something like,
my Friday is really great.
Yeah, it was reading your profile.
I would really enjoy getting to know you better.
And then ask him a question.
Look at his profile,
see if you can pull a question off of it.
Kind of an icebreaker.
Give him an opportunity to like show
that he wants to get to know you a little bit.
And then he'll answer, okay?
Now he may come back with another question.
He may not.
Cause again, ladies,
we're not expect,
like we can't expect these men
to respond the way we want them to.
Some men will be chatty.
Some men will engage and ask questions
and some men won't.
We have to try to keep that conversation going.
Have a couple exchanges.
I say a couple days,
no longer than a week.
If you're texting or messaging back and forth for a week,
you're just going to end up finding yourself
in pen pal mode.
After a couple exchanges,
if you like their responses,
you're thinking, okay,
I'd be interested in doing a video call with them.
If they're long distance,
if they're local,
ladies, do an in-person date.
You don't have to do a video call
before an in-person date,
if they're local.
If you feel more comfortable to do that,
then that's fine.
I'm not going to force you ladies to do in-person dates.
If you don't,
if you're like,
I'm still not sure about it,
I'm going to just make sure
that they are who they say they are.
But again,
if you're doing in-person dates,
you're going to offer public dates.
Okay.
You're not going somewhere.
It's like remote with them.
So that if they are not who they are,
you're in a public place
and you can use safety measures and get out.
And we can talk about those things if we need to.
But you want those couple of exchanges
and then drop the hanky.
Make small talk.
which Lisa, I think, was it like a month or so ago,
we talked about practice making small talk.
So this, just start,
continue to keep practice making small talk.
And then after a couple of changes and say,
you know what, how about we take this in person
if they're local, why don't we meet up someday?
Or we can always do a video chat.
How does that work for you?
And again, you wait for them to respond.
And if they bow out, they bow out.
Some men may be weird about video calls.
I know my husband thought that was weird
that we coach ladies to do video calls.
He's like, that's weird.
I would just want to meet them in person.
I'm like, okay, honey.
But you know, again, if you want that boundary there,
your husband is going to respect the boundary.
Yes.
And so we throw that out there.
Yeah.
And then if they don't respond or they ghost themselves
or they ignore the question,
you can have a couple more exchanges
and then throw it out again.
And then if they ignore the question,
hey, I am here to date in real life.
I understand that maybe you're not ready
to do a video chat or meet in person.
I totally understand that's cool,
but I'm going to let you go
and I'm going to wish you the best of luck.
And you'll get to release them.
Yeah.
Sometimes ladies, when they don't want to do a video chat,
it's because they're scammers
because they're not who they say they are.
So if you kind of see that that's happening
and they're not wanting to get in front of you,
then that's a problem.
You can wait, maybe they're just trying to warm up
to the idea, but don't not get in front of them,
whether it's video or in person.
Because what we don't want to happen
is that you ladies get into these emotional relationships,
these situationships, these delusionships,
and they're not the person that they are.
Right.
Okay.
It's not to scare anybody.
It's just, we're here to help you kind of practice that.
So that is, I think a lot of women,
thank you so much for asking that question
because I think a lot of the women on the call
and in the replay will benefit from that process
of how to ask for the video call or in-person date
and then what to do if they don't respond
the way that you want them to.
And again, it's level one.
Yeah.
Your heart doesn't have to be invested in that.
Doesn't mean that sometimes it's not gonna suck
when you get hopeful and then it doesn't work out
the way you were hoping,
but we're not gonna carry that.
We're not gonna start believing the lies.
We're not gonna say, oh, men on these dating sites
they're not real, I'm not gonna find a man on here.
Like if you start going down this negative train,
we gotta work on the hard work stuff.
Okay.
Everybody got that?
All right, Michelle, tell us what's going on.
Thank you, Lisa.
I appreciate you.
So should I, sorry,
should I just put the video call thing in the chat?
Like we wanted to talk about the video call.
How did that go?
So you did have a video to call?
Yes, I did.
Okay, yeah.
Put it in the chat.
We can always circle back around or put it in the app
and we can go into more detail.
I didn't realize that you had the video call with him.
So yeah, don't get that by the end of the call.
Cause I know we're like running low on time.
We got about 25, 30 minutes.
Then you can throw it in the app
and we'll unpack it there too.
Sounds good.
So, sorry, just what you said about the video call.
So can we also like ask,
suggest the ideas of what date would we like to do?
Like when they say sure.
Like let's go to the bookstore or hey,
there's this really cool ice cream shop
that has like the best cookies and cream ice cream.
I would love, you know, why don't we go there
or a hike in a public place or walk around a lake
or Jackie I know loves active dates.
I like active dates too.
So I'm always pushing for those.
I kind of don't like to suggest the coffee date.
I know other coaches do like the coffee date.
Sometimes you have to do a coffee date
cause that's just works for people's schedules and stuff
and it's quick and easy.
I like more active dates, little things to go do.
So yeah, you can throw that out there.
Sounds good.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Hey, Michelle.
Hello.
This is just a really brief response
to the questions that you asked.
But I was thinking about how much like
it's going all over social media right now.
Like that phrase, like if he wanted to, he would.
And I think there's a lot of like, I don't know.
Like I've experienced a lot of fear before of like,
oh, if a guy is more slow moving or something,
like is he not, like, is he just not really.
that into me. And I think that women are being kind of inundated
with that. And like, I even in like my small group of girls at
my church that are single and in their 30s. I hear that a lot of
like, there are just these intense expectations. That
sound like good God, the guys have no idea like what they
thought, what women think they're supposed to be doing.
Like my cousin, he's like, I don't want to text a girl too
many times. Because I don't want to bugger because he's like
insecure. And some of these like really nice guys are not
these like Casanovas that are like, exactly down and like,
I've always dated very love balmy guys. And so healing and
like dating, like I'm dating one guy right now, but like being
like, okay, this person is is a little bit more slow moving,
they are a little bit more respectful of boundaries, it
isn't going to feel like that constant dopamine rush. And then
like, it was late to call me last week, like 20 minutes. And
I was like, in my mind, I like had all that stuff started
going like that anxious of like, well, like, he really wasn't as
excited to talk to me as excited to talk to him, blah, blah, blah.
And then I found out because he's a therapist, he called me
is like, I'm so sorry, one of my clients was like, drunk, dealing
with a lot of suicidal ideation. I was on the phone with the
squad was like, Oh, Lord, like, I felt so silly. But anyways,
that was just a reflection on what you're saying of like, I
feel like even culturally women are being told that a lot of
Yeah, I love that you brought that up. And I love that you're
recognizing those things. And you're recognizing like, Oh,
gosh, why did I think that you're recognizing some of those
lies, ladies? And that's, that's really, really good. All right,
Tina, good. Good to see you. If you had a question, we didn't
get to it, Tina, then definitely put it in the app. And we'll
respond there. But yeah, Michelle, I like I, it reminds
me of, I'm going to date myself a little bit because I'm in my
40s. It was, what was that movie? It was on the tip of my
tongue. He's just not that into you. Like, that was the whole
trend. Like, when I was like, in my 20s and 30s, it was the he's
just not that into you. Or that if he would he want like, like
you said, if he wanted to, he would. And yeah, we do say that
we do say like, if a man's interested, he's going to show
his interest. But what we have to remember is his way of
showing interest may look differently than the way we
expect it. So that would be my question. What is he doing to
show he's interested? Is he consistent? Maybe not
frequently the way that we want to be consistent. But is he
showing up? Is he engaging in dates? Is he reciprocating? Am I
reciprocating? Okay, it's recognizing those anxious
thoughts, those anxious attachment styles, you know, and
so I think that's really, really good. Like, yeah, women
are being inundated with this. Men have to be those cast
anovas. And if they're not, then they don't like us. And that's
just simply not true. So that's why we have to, at the end of
the day, we ship this the end of the day, ladies, every dating
situation is going to be unique. We can sit here and
coach one thing and it will sound contradictory in another
situation. Okay, several months ago, we had one woman in our
community and she's like, I'm being told this and then I'm
being told the opposite here and she's like, it's just confusing
and nothing's in line. And we had to unpack that with our
community of ladies where it's what every situation is uniquely
different. And if you're an anxious attacher, our advice is
going to look different than for those that are might be an
avoidant attacher. And it's gonna look different than if
you're a secure attacher, or if you're a combination of anxious
and avoidant. So it's every situation is uniquely different.
And so it's, again, it's recognizing what are the
thoughts, what are the lies replacing it with the truth, you
know, recognizing Oh, I think this guy is not like me because
he's not doing this XYZ. Is it because he doesn't like me? Or
am I having this expectation or this entitlement? Like, what does
it look like? And ladies, if you come here, and we unpack these
things, and you bring these situations up, coaches in this
community, we've, we're trained to be able to kind of recognize
doesn't mean that we get it right all the time. But we've
seen it over years and years and years of dating and experience
it ourselves that sometimes we can pick up on those things as
well and help you through that. And again, as long as ladies
partnering with Holy Spirit coming to alignment with Holy
Spirit, what God wants for you will be good. So I
love that these are things that you're recognizing, Michelle,
and it's going to help you in your relationship
that you're in right now.
Because yours is unique.
You guys are a little bit long distance.
He has children.
He's divorced.
He's a therapist.
He's got a pretty demanding job.
But it sounds like he's been very consistent showing up.
But it's looked a little different.
Yeah.
And you're doing wonderful with it.
You're coming.
You're showing up.
You're getting coaching.
And you're not getting out in your head all the time.
You're doing well.
You're doing really, really well.
Thank you.
Awesome.
All right.
Liza, I see your hand's still up.
But I think maybe you just didn't
take your avatar hand on.
So I'm going to move to Karina.
Hello.
Hey, girl.
Hi.
So pretty new to this Accelerator story.
But so I started talking to this guy last Thursday.
Last week was when I started dating again.
So I started talking to this guy on Thursday.
We met through an Instagram post,
like this Christian dating thing.
But so it was going pretty good until, I believe,
Saturday night.
We ended up talking about drinking.
I don't drink.
My dad was not drinking.
So I feel like that kind of triggered something.
And it made me freak out a little bit.
So the next day, because it was pretty late,
so we didn't finish that conversation.
So the next morning, I was just kind of praying.
But I think I was just really scared about it.
And then later, I got my period.
So I'm like, oh, I know what now.
But at the same time, it was like a fear anyway,
like a real fear anyway.
So I ended up ending it with him.
I don't think I could do this.
I'm sorry, blah, blah.
He was pretty understanding.
But I got so emotional that I realized, you know what?
I think I'm getting my period.
And I think I'm going to just not.
I don't know if this was the right thing.
I didn't have peace about it.
So I did speak to a friend and my mom.
They're both Christians.
So I spoke to them.
And they both pretty much told me
they thought I was a little too quick to end things.
And reminded me, you know what?
Not everybody drinks to get drunk.
So they reminded me this is something
that you need to let go of this fear of repeating the past
and being in a relationship with an alcoholic and all that
stuff.
So they both encouraged me to reach out, apologize,
and see if he'd be willing to keep knowing each other.
So I did.
He was very understanding.
He was willing to do that.
And that was yesterday morning.
Prior to yesterday morning, he was asking a lot of questions,
very engaged.
As of yesterday, I was noticing he was answering still.
But he wasn't asking any questions.
I was the one asking all the questions.
And we had talked about doing a FaceTime.
But he just said yes.
He didn't ask when or anything like that.
So I ended up asking him, hey, how
are you feeling about the FaceTime?
Is that something you still want to do?
I asked him today.
And he answered definitely, but I'm with a doctor.
So I'll get back to you.
OK.
But I think I'm doing what you mentioned,
which is the expecting the people he needs to ask me
questions back to and like before.
And I don't know.
I think it's my fear of either one.
He got guarded after the me, you saying never mind.
Yeah, now you're kind of going in your head.
You got some of those anxious thoughts like,
oh my goodness, I pulled the trigger.
I didn't have peace about it.
Now I'm coming over here.
And I'm not really sure.
And he's probably trying to figure out it too.
And you're just in your head.
I was always in my head, y'all.
I still am always sometimes in my head.
So yeah, I think you're learning.
I think let's look at what is this opportunity, what
growth is coming is one.
You're recognizing that there's probably some fear that
some lies that you're believing about repeating past.
And I can relate to that because I
had a very traumatic relationship in my 20s
with a drug addict and alcoholic.
So that was always a concern of mine
as well that I was going to find myself
in a relationship with someone that abused alcohol or drugs.
And this was kind of was always like a non-negotiable for me.
But I also knew like I can have drinks
and I'm not drinking to get drunk.
I don't abuse alcohol.
I can manage my alcohol responsibly.
Not everybody can, but a lot of people can.
And so it's recognizing, OK, those
just going to be things that this is why you pace yourself in a relationship.
If he likes to drink, great. Now you're going to just kind of be,
as you get to know him, see how he is in situations when he's drinking.
Does he go overboard?
Is there times where he's like always needing to drink?
Is there ever opportunities where he's like, no, I don't want to drink.
I don't need a drink. Like you're going to look for those opportunities, right?
So you've learned that now, whether or not you continue with this guy or not,
but you can know that other guys that you date that might have a similar thing.
You don't have to be so afraid of it.
You have a community that's here to support you.
You have a God that's here to protect you.
You can recognize what lies you're believing and then replace them with the
truth. So now it's okay.
What do you do with now that you're messaging back the,
that you suggested the FaceTime ladies, when you suggest FaceTimes,
I want you all to take this in consideration. Okay.
And you can't go and replay it, Karina.
So don't feel like you messed anything up. Okay.
You can't mess up your spirit mate if he is.
And if he doesn't pull the trigger,
he wasn't your spirit mate and that's fine too.
So when you ladies throw out the invitation to do a video call,
you can say something like, Hey,
why don't we jump on FaceTime or something so that we can, you know,
see each other face to face? What do you think about that?
If they're like, yeah, that's cool. Be like, awesome.
I'm free this day and this day at this time,
would either of those times work with you give if they're not coming back?
Oh yeah. How about, I can call you right now.
If they're not responding like that,
I can call you right now. If they're not responding like that,
then you can respond and give them a couple of days to see what's in their
schedule. Like, Hey, I'm free Saturday to jump on a call.
Would you want to do that? Does that day work for you? If not,
what day does work for you?
Yeah.
You see how you're asking a question and it's actually requiring that response
back. So we're going to over communicate. We're going to over,
we're not just going to say, Oh, do you want to do FaceTime? Yeah.
Okay. Who wants to start it? You know, right.
So those are some tricks that you can do is I always say offer times.
Yeah. And offer times, give them an option. Give them, I was, I mean,
I used to do this with my,
when my son was younger and he was like a toddler, I'd be like,
do you want to do this or do you want to do this? Which one works best for you?
I gave him two choices. So he had to choose something. And then as he got older,
if neither of those choices worked for him, then he'd give me a third choice.
And if it worked for me, I'd be like, okay, cool. If it didn't, I'd be like, no,
you have to choose these two choices. I mean,
obviously I'm talking about my kid here. So,
but you see like you give people the option and then they get to decide if it's
not, if those options don't work, then they can communicate which options do.
If they don't, they're like, yeah, no, neither of those times work. Okay.
Well, when would work for you?
And then if they kind of still keep dodging it, then be like,
all right, well, if you change your mind, reach out to me,
best of luck. Okay.
If you,
if you feel like they're just not reciprocating and they're just not really
on board with it, you can be the, like I said, you can just say, okay,
well I understand maybe that's not going to work.
Maybe we can meet in person or, you know,
get back to me next week when a time might be good for you.
And you don't have to keep engaging and then let them decide when to reach back
out to you to initiate that. But that's why I was telling Lisa,
you don't want to always come out the gate with that.
You want to have some interaction, ask them questions,
find out what some of their interests are so that there's at least something
that maybe you can find a common ground to have a conversation with.
So if you've been able to reciprocate a couple back and forth,
then you have a starting point when you do get live on a video
or in person with being able to have a conversation. Does that make sense?
It does. With him though, we are long distance. It's like five hours.
So yeah, you're going to want to do those video calls for sure.
Like get a video call within the week. If he's not,
and from some dates, if he doesn't pick those, you just,
you're moving on. You're still, and again, this is ladies,
why we really encourage you to continue to keep getting to know people
just because there's some potential promise doesn't mean that we hold unless
we're so unindated with several conversations.
several guys trying to juggle it,
like I don't want you ladies juggling
more than two or three guys at a time,
because that can get overwhelming and time-consuming.
All right, y'all have lives.
We also still want you to go out and enjoy your life.
Do life, okay?
Does that help, Karina?
It does, but how do you deal with the,
how to differentiate versus he's just lost interest
and that's why he's not asking questions
versus I'm just in my head?
You're just gonna have to kind of just pace it out.
You know, engage, it's reciprocating.
Reciprocate efforts.
Reach out to him,
but don't always be the one reaching out to him.
Yeah. See if he reaches out.
He answers pretty well and he's a teacher,
so he has summer off,
so he responds pretty consistently.
Yeah.
But I did notice yesterday
that he was not asking questions
and prior to that he was.
Well, he could be busy.
Again, we don't, try not to get so in our head.
Again, don't think,
oh, he's got to respond the way
that I want him to respond.
That's, again, some of that's that anxious attachment.
So I would ask you to spend some time
and recognize what are some core beliefs
that you're believing that come up and surface
when he's not responding that way.
And then let's unpack that
and see what's the theme here,
what's the lie,
and what is actually the truth, okay?
So spend time that week just recognizing that.
All right, I'm going to move on to Sandy
and then Sarah.
Oops, Stephanie, you're unmuted.
I'm going to find something new tomorrow.
I don't know what.
Is it going to rain?
Stephanie, you're kind of cutting in and out.
I don't know if you meant to unmute.
I don't know.
You can send it back.
What about if he doesn't,
do you want to save it?
You can.
It's going to be hard.
Okay, I got to figure out.
Stephanie, I'm going to have to mute you
and I'm trying to figure out.
Sorry, ladies.
Is Stocks next to her name?
Yes, thank you.
Got it.
Thank you so much, Sandy.
I appreciate it.
I never had to do that before.
Yeah, I do.
Okay, yeah, I'm going to go Sandy and then Sarah.
And then I just had to laugh
because Lori shared in the chat,
her 13 year old was asking
what's a good dating agent?
He told her 25.
I love you, Lori.
I get my kids are nine, 13, and 15.
And my 13 year old daughter is always wanting to know.
And her dad and I decided for our kids
that our kids are just not going to date till they're 18.
Our pastors did not let their kids date till they were 18.
And so I love it.
I love that you had that question.
It made me laugh.
So, all right, Sandy, you're up girl.
Yeah, so I've been,
so before I joined last year's single,
I had been like deep in prayer
about like my dating life and stuff.
And I was on all these dating apps
and I really felt like I heard from Holy Spirit
to like delete all the apps
and just like stand in like faith
that God had it handled, right?
And then I got a word at church, like a prophetic word,
and it was Ruth, like three, 10, and 11.
And basically saying like, you've been faithful.
Like, I got it.
Like, just focus on like what I want you to do
and like, don't worry about trying to find a husband.
And so then I joined last,
and I had just joined last year's single.
So I was like, wait, I just joined this group.
Like, what am I supposed to do?
What do you mean don't look?
And so I've like been praying about it
and I deleted all the apps.
Well, I hadn't really deleted them, I think.
Well, I had the word.
I deleted them, I think, after the word.
But even before the word, I was chatting with this nice guy
and there was really no,
like I didn't see any like red flags or anything.
But as I was chatting with him,
I felt like Holy Spirit was like,
why don't you trust me that I have it handled?
And I was like, wait.
And it was like, usually if I'm cooking,
that's when I hear Holy Spirit,
or gardening, because that's when my brain is quiet.
And I really felt it strong.
And so now that I'm in this section,
I'm like really struggling.
I'm like, do I download the apps?
Do I try it now?
Like, is it different now?
Or do I just keep like going out
and like trying something in the wild?
Because that's-
Let me ask you the question.
When you hear this voice that says, trust me,
I thought I had it handled.
Do you feel any shame or guilt with it?
Does it give you any anxiousness when you hear it?
Well, yeah, it makes me feel like I'm being disobedient.
Yeah.
Okay.
I would question whether or not that you're...
Hearing it correctly. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah, it cuz here's the thing
One thing that just came up when you were sharing this
Was a tea like tea
teaching that Jackie often shares is
And you'll hear her talk about this when you know, she talks about how we put ourselves in the waiting room
Mm-hmm, or we pray for things to happen, but then we don't put actions to our prayers, right?
We can trust God and partner with him so there's but we have action steps, too
It doesn't mean that
We only get our prayers answered if we do this
It's I'm gonna partner with you God, and it's following the peace
So I would spend time just saying okay God like I'm not sure what to do here about the dating apps
I'm gonna do it and if it's not something that I'm supposed to do
I need you to to be gentle and show me that it's not something I'm supposed to do
But I I want to caution like I would just caution
the
Not partnering does that make sense
Yeah, I guess
Go ahead right now. I'm like involved in this like evangelism ministry
and I felt like he was wanting me to like
focus on that on like what I'm coming down the pipeline and not be so obsessed with like finding a partner and I so
that's why when I felt like the voice was like
because I think the reason I felt it that way is because I tend to be a control freak and I try and control the
Situations and I'm starting to learn that like well
One of the things I learned in the hard work was that I can control me
But I can't control how other people feel I can't control what they do kind of like what you touched on today. Yeah
When I was like in this dating app and I was like getting all frustrated like man
I don't like anybody on here and I was and then when I did I was
Trying to control like everything like I was wanting to control the date. I was wanting to control like how we that's what I would say
Yeah, give yourself some space collect yourself. You want to have peace when you enter into this?
So if God is highlighting this evangelist stuff that you're working on put your focus there
It doesn't mean that you have to shut the door on dating
It just might mean you're not gonna invest as much time on the apps
You might just go in there once a week and be like, okay God
I'm just gonna go on this once a week
But I'm gonna put my focus here because I think that's what you're calling me to do
And here's the thing one thing that I like to use this analogy. I really always love thinking as God as a GPS
Like y'all like nowadays, I mean I always drive with my GPS I live in like the Dallas-Fort Worth area
Metroplex, it's like just crazy traffic. Like I'm always having to put my GPS on because I need one
I don't know the area still because I moved here from Florida
But if I'm going the wrong way, you want to know what happens I get rerouted
or
GPS shows me three different ways and I get to choose which way
So I like thinking of God as a GPS is that I'm a partner with him
He's not going to lead me the wrong way. He's gonna get me to my destination
He's gonna guide me
But as long as I'm partnering with him and paying attention to my GPS
right, but I
Don't need to put I want to I always
want to follow peace
so that's where I will coach you on is follow peace if you're getting these ancients a
anxious thoughts
Then let's figure out where those are from what's coming up
What lies are you believing and then start replacing it with truth?
I don't like or just me wanting to make sure I'm being obedient and not
Leaning on my own understanding because that's the default for me is to just do what I want to do
And so that's why I get I don't want to I don't want to call it anxious
I want to call it more like I'm just trying to I'm just extra cautious. I feel okay, so
What happens when you're not obedient
Well, I mean I wasn't obedient for years and I was I want to say like I was like feeling like I was living in
A pit, you know, just not in a good space. So
Did you stay there?
Well, no, I didn't
Just guess what sometimes we make mistakes sometimes
We're not always obedient with it. Here's the thing if you have a heart of obedience and
That's where you're you're choosing like, okay Lord, I'm gonna do this because I think this is what you're gonna do
Guess what? He said he's a good God that even if we
Step out of that obedience
but it's not a heart posture of wanting to be disobedient,
you don't think that God can't redirect you?
Yeah, that's so true.
I guess I didn't think about it that way.
Yeah, that's right.
Like, let's unpack some more of this belief
of this obedience.
Like, if I don't do it the right way, what's gonna happen?
Is there ever a time in your life
where you felt shame or guilt
because you didn't do what you were supposed to do?
Yeah.
So those are things like,
walk through heart work tools in that.
Okay.
Let's process through that,
spend some time with Holy Spirit,
figure out what lie or belief you started believing
because of that,
and how is it related to your view on your Heavenly Father?
Because He wants to partner with you,
He's not gonna make you feel like,
you're being disobedient to me,
and this is not gonna happen,
why are you not listening to me?
You know, there's times when we are blatantly
being disobedient because we know we're being disobedient,
and God will check us.
I mean, I know that's happened where I'm like,
I'm not listening to you,
kind of like where Nehemiah is like supposed to go,
and then he doesn't,
and then God's like, you disobeyed me.
Nehemiah knew he was going against God's word.
He knew.
But if you, like, if your heart is to obey Him,
and sometimes you're just not sure,
you're not gonna be reprimanded for that.
Okay?
Does that help?
Yeah, it does.
And I think also it makes sense too,
because I've been praying like, do I do it?
Do I do it?
And I feel like it's been like silent.
So I'm like, man, I probably should just do it.
Yeah, there you go.
And there's a thing,
like if you got off course, guess what?
You get redirected.
I don't think you're in,
like, I think you're here by divine appointment.
Like, it is not a coincidence
that you're in last year single.
So I think that that should be confirmation
that you're on the right path.
You're in this community.
It just might be how you're approaching dating
and what you think it needs to look like.
So there might need to be some supernatural surrender.
You maybe need to let go of this idea that, you know,
you're always disobeying the heavenly father.
Because again, if you have a heart posture
where you want to obey and you want to do well,
then again, we want to maybe unpack
where does that false sense of obedience come from that,
you know, if I don't do it right,
I'm not going to get what, you know, God wants for me.
Right?
I mean, I've had that sometimes where I'm like,
if I'm not doing this,
then I'm not going to get what God has.
Well, God's not a God that's going to withhold us.
Now, will he sometime not answer a prayer
because we're not ready for the capacity of it yet?
Yeah, because he doesn't want us to destroy it.
I feel like that a hundred percent,
but I also feel like I blame myself for like in my twenties,
like the way I was blatantly disobedient.
And I just feel like it delayed a lot.
And so now I'm like, well, I don't want to be that way.
I don't want to delay myself anymore.
Like I don't want to delay what God has.
And so that's more my fear.
Yeah.
And I can relate to that.
Cause I, y'all, I was not a believer in my twenties.
I did a lot of really not great things.
And I had a lot of issues with my self-worth
and believing that I wasn't, I didn't deserve.
I missed my opportunity because all the bad choices I made,
I had to start learning to love myself again.
I had to walk through the heartwork and forgive myself.
And I was able to unpack and realize
why I made the decisions I did.
What were the beliefs behind those decisions?
What, why I was hurting, where the core was.
And I was able to let go of those
and recognize that God wanted to heal me from that.
And so maybe that's another thing that's coming up for you.
If you really have this tie of, you know,
some struggles of the disobedience you had in your twenties,
walk through some heartwork with that.
How long were you in the heartwork phase?
Like probably seven weeks.
Okay.
It took my time.
I wanted to make sure.
Yeah, you're good.
That's good.
One thing I will say, heartwork doesn't go away.
There's always another layer.
So this just might be one of those things,
like spend some time with Holy Spirit,
see what comes up, what surfaces,
what's he highlighting for you to work on?
Maybe it's the obedient stuff.
Maybe it's, you know,
forgiveness of some of the things
that you've done in your past.
And, you know, do you really have a belief
that God's not going to deliver
because you were disobedient back then?
He sees your heart.
He knows.
Yeah.
I think you're here on purpose.
I don't think it's by mistake at all.
I don't think you have to cut and run
from any sort of dating.
Cause here's the thing.
Yeah, we're in this love story accelerator
and it's what we kind of call like the dating phase,
but...
I have women in this section of our last year single program that don't go on dates right away.
They don't start dating right away. They have other things that unpack or surface when they
start putting their toe in the water. And then I have other women that just go off the deep dive.
They just go right in. They go off the high dive. They're like, let's do it. Bring me the dates. And
everybody has their own process and pace that they're working on.
I don't want to rush. That's for sure. But I guess I don't mind jumping in. I just want to be,
I think for me, I want to make sure that everything is good. So I'm like testing.
I did do the speed dating on arc just to test, just to test, to see like,
feeling is anything coming up? Like that? I still need to go back to heartwork for
and like nothing came up. Actually. I was rejected by somebody that I didn't find
attractive and I laughed it off. I was like, wait, this is good.
Well, that's the thing. And just because like something's going to surface in dating,
doesn't mean like, Oh, I have to stop dating and go back to heartwork. Y'all I'm married.
I can't stop being married to do heartwork. Okay, honey, I can't, you know, I can't be married now.
I need to go do my heartwork. Like this is no, like dating is going to bring areas of heartwork
and you will work in tandem with it. It will, it will, it will strengthen those heart work tools
and you will continue just to keep growing. And like, before you know it, you can like
heartwork through things in like a day or two. Like it's, you know, some things will require
where you need to really sit and process it. Other times they're like, Oh, this is a heartwork thing.
Okay. I'm going to spend, you know, some time in my prayer closet and you'll come out of your
prayer closet. Heal like healed and healthier. Okay. Thank you. You're welcome. All right,
Sarah, you're my last one. We're a little bit over time, but I want to give you the floor
because you've been waiting so patiently. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I was going to say,
we can just skip. I know we're really over time. No, you're good. I'm, you were patient,
so I'm going to honor, honor you. It's a quick question in regards to, um, not making pen pals.
So I keep finding myself in these, like on these dating apps with people that like out the gate,
they're like, Hey, and like, there's really good conversation flowing. And then it seems to go
down this like pen pal pattern. And I'm like, I'm used to if someone kind of back to that,
like if they, I like to be pursued, I think maybe that's kind of old fashioned thinking.
And then I'm used to a man being like, okay, so would you like to go on a date? Um, so with these
two that I'm currently talking to, we've been messaging back and forth for a week. Okay. And
so far, like, it just kind of has gone a little pen pal-ish. Okay. I went, I asked you, are you,
are you throwing out the hanky and dropping the hanky and say, Hey, let's get together.
I did end up doing that with both of them. I said to the one, cause he's like talking about work a
lot. And I was like, Oh, well I hope for your sake, like you don't have to work this weekend.
Cause I would actually like to meet you soon. How do you respond? Um, has not responded yet.
That was like just before this call started. Okay. Um, and that's good. I like it.
Other one was like, Hey, cause he's, he's a few hours away. Okay. And I said, Hey,
would you like to set up a time to video chat? But there's a part of me that's annoyed in that
because I'm just like, I, I like the man to be the pursuer. The one that I just said,
I'd like to meet you soon. He was like, Hey, like we were having great conversation back and forth.
I reached a point where I was like, I did end up giving him my phone number cause he asked and I
was like, I felt fine doing so. Um, and then it almost seems like that, that energy that I was
getting at the beginning is kind of, which again, he's working, he's very like they're in a training.
It's it's. Yeah. I think that's, I know I get it. It's annoying. Hang on a second. I got to
plug in my computer. Yeah. It's kind of like, yes, it's annoying because we want guys just to
pursue and do all the things. And we just are like, well, I don't want to have to do it. The
guy should be doing it. That's kind of that, like we're towing the line of the entitlement. Cause
like what Michelle was saying earlier, there's some guys out there that they're, they're insecure.
They're afraid. They're afraid to text them too much. They're afraid to come too forward.
Yeah. Cause we live in this feminist like world where it's just, I mean, I get the reason why,
and even Jackie will share this as well, but it's almost like the pendulum swung way out of the way.
And like, it took, it's like, no, there needs to be balanced. Like, yes, there's a time and
place for, you know, women to be equal and all those things, but we're not, we're partnering
with the divine masculine and the divine feminine. It's recognizing that there's differences between
the two genders and sexes.
that like, but men have to live in this world that women will
bite their heads off if they do something wrong. Yeah. And so I
get I get it. It's annoying. Like, why do I have to drop the
hinky? Why do I have to be forward? I will tell you it's if
you just throw it out there and show that you're interested and
let them know especially those first couple dates and
reassuring them that you're interested in letting them lead
of whether or not they want to continue to move it forward.
It's giving some men grace to decide how they feel, but also
making it a safe place for them to say, Okay, I'm gonna leave. I
want you to feel like you can have interest in me. And I want
to show you that I am interested. And if you're not,
it's fine. I'm okay. But if you are great, let's let's move
forward. Yeah. Yeah, I and I but I get it. Sarah, I totally get
it. It does get a little annoying. But rest assured in
these early stages. The men don't stay like that. Like they
there's been men where maybe they were a little slow to
start. But then once they felt secure, and they really thought
No, I really like this girl. They move forward. Yeah. And if
they don't, it's okay, too. That just means they're not your
spirit mate. Yeah.
Also coming out of something, you know, six months ago, where
he was kind of on that love bomber line.
Yeah. And yeah, it's just it's recognizing again, ladies, given
these men grace, because they don't have the same coaching as
you all do. They don't have the same heartwork and the healing.
You know, it's very, very, I mean, it doesn't mean that there
are not men out there that haven't done their healing. Yeah,
I was thankful my husband did. But he didn't do it the way that
I had done mine. I even sometimes think that he needs a
little bit more. But it doesn't mean that he's not capable of
it. And he's not a good man. You know that it's going to look
different. It's giving the men grace and understanding and
recognize, you know, if they come out the gate, and they, you
know, again, we encourage you ladies not to dive into the X
files, but it doesn't mean that these men are not going to share
all of their junk with you. I almost cut around because my
husband did that with me. I'm thankful I gave him grace,
because I got to see he was actually healed through his
former marriage where his you know, it was very toxic, very
toxic marriage, but she also passed. She passed away from
cancer. And so he worked through the grieving process and the
marriage and everything. But I allowed him the grace and the
space for it. Now, I was a little nervous that he came out
the gate was sharing that stuff with me. But I kept just getting
to know him. So we can't, again, it kind of goes like we don't
know. We can't expect men to behave the way we want them to.
Does that make sense? Yeah. Okay. So yeah, let's just see
where you know, where it goes. If you're like, hey, let's
FaceTime. I really hope see if he takes the bait if he doesn't
be like, hey, what about this day or this day? Let me know
when works for you. And then if he never really comes like I was
telling Lisa earlier, it's okay, if they're not taking the bait
after a week of trying to like, set up a video chat, you can say
hey, I get it. It's seems like you know, you got a lot going on
I know, long distance can get tricky and whatnot. But I'm here
to date in real life. And to get to know people, I'm fine with
long distance. But if we're going to do this, I'm we're
going to need to have some video calls. And if we can't make that
happen, I'm going to wish you the best of luck. Yeah. Like,
don't don't throw in the towel early. But also, you don't have
you don't have to hang on to the towel. Right? Necessary. Does
that make sense? There's balance there. Okay, thank you. You're
welcome. All right, ladies. It's been a pleasure. I look forward
to seeing y'all next week. I look forward to seeing y'all in
the app. All right, make sure that you're coming sharing your
stuff with us. If you can jump on the eight o'clock call Ebony
will be on tonight. She's always she's a y'all she's fun. Her and
I've hung out with her in real life. She is a good time. So if
you can make both calls do it. And I will see you all next week.
Okay. Thank you. Bye, ladies.