Hello, hello. It's so good to see you all. Okay. I see y'all driving, no camera. Gotcha.
Best storms? Oh no. All right. Do we have any newcomers? This is your first time in
a phase two coaching session. Let me see a wave of hand, an avatar. I want to welcome
you. Nobody? Nobody's first time in here with me? All right, great. So, can't access your
camera. Please refresh. Do y'all hear me and see me? Uh-oh. Did I disappear? Yep. Did y'all
hear me and not see me? Okay. I can hear you and see you. Now you can see me. Okay. I don't
know what that was about. Well, it's good to see all of y'all. Nobody raised their hand. So,
I am going to take it that this is no one's first time. If this is somebody's first time,
you didn't want to raise your hand or your avatar, welcome to phase two. I hope that you
ladies are enjoying watching. Oh, Heather, do you have a question? This is not your first time,
right, Heather? It's just a different Heather. Not you, Heather, the other Heather. There's
two Heathers in the room. Okay. So, maybe it's a double login. Anyway, yay. It's so good to see
y'all. I hope you ladies have been enjoying your activations that we talked about last week. Who's
been doing their five minutes before they get out of the bed? Worship, talk to God or worship instead
of worry. Read some scriptures, declare some things. Yeah, I see hands. That is so good. Even
if you did a day, skip the day, did a day, no more days for the next five days. Who tried it at least
one time? Yes. Good. Did you feel any difference? Even if it was one thing, who can share something
they enjoyed from that experience? Anybody, just unmute yourself and share. Or you can type it in
the comments. I'll share. This is Heather. Sorry, I'm in the car. I felt like I immediately was in
a better mood for the day because I felt organized. I felt that I was focusing on gratitude before
what's wrong. I felt empowered because I was focusing on, I was thinking about talking. We've
had a lot of talks about spiritual gifts. I also was praying for other people. It just set me up
for a better perspective starting the day, even if it didn't turn out all the time the way it was
supposed to. It just was a good mindset. That's really good, Heather. Thanks for sharing. Anyone
else can agree that those are some of the things you experienced? I can share quickly, Ebony. Go
for it. I totally agree with Heather. Whatever she said, that's exactly how I felt. Also, it just
felt like the burden from my head was just lifted every day in the morning when I would do that.
Like, you go to the Lord first. It just felt like I'm not in charge of the day now. I know that the
Lord is. That's what I felt.
Yeah, that's good. Not in charge of the day anymore. The Lord is. It is so good to cast all
of our cares upon Him because He cares for us. Because we are so human and we forget so much. I
don't care how many times I remind myself I always need the reminder. The reminder don't care me as
long as I would like it to. It lasts until the first person pull out in front of me in traffic or
blow their horn. I forget. Again, I said, my goodness. Okay, well, good. I'm glad you guys
enjoyed it. Let's continue with the activation. So let's say you didn't get a chance to practice it.
Sometimes starting all the, well, most times for me, starting something new is more challenging for
me to rhythmize or to, you know, to get to doing it. So I'll take something as simple for me.
Sometimes I'm like, I'm going to be a tea person. So I'm going to start drinking tea. I'm going by
all these teas because I said I want to be a tea person, but I forget to drink tea. I don't, even
if I start a new vitamin, after I researched that new vitamin, it takes me a while to make that new
vitamin a part of my routine. And so I find that to be true for me in a lot of areas. And so it
takes me a while to work that muscle to get it to a memory place.
And so if you
didn't do it it's not like oh man you just forgot because it's not a muscle that you're used to
working um but a minute long you know how long has been but the first thing i say when i open
my eyes is good morning papa god good morning holy spirit good morning jesus i've been doing it
for a very long time and i remember when i decided this what i want to do that i want to greet the
father with good morning and i started it and at first it wasn't like i did it no matter how good
it sound i can't make myself do what i did but after a while it became clockwork and my mind
thought it even if my mouth didn't move so some things take time and i want you guys to keep
practicing just a little housekeeping let's not forget that when someone posts posts in the
coaches session that we can add encouragement but we don't want to coach because if they put
it under the coaches tab they're directly wanting coaching and so we don't want to coach we can
encourage um also we don't want to add links from outside ministries and if you heard this before
you know why uh links from outside ministries are outside teachings because the admin likes to
approve that before it comes up because we want to keep the community safe for everyone um i think
those are all the notes that i need to mention you know tonight we're going to talk about something
that is really really fun that's why i'm trying to hurry up and do my little 10 minutes so we can
talk about what you ladies have um but you know we try to pull from what we have going on on the
community wall and so whatever you see us lady whatever all the ladies are talking about that's
what we like to pull from because i tell you all the time we are not far in separation of each other
all of us are like in so many different ways and so tonight we're going to talk about entitlement
entitlement now in dating there's entitlement i got my notes here because there's really good
examples that we want to use but in dating entitlement comes up and you may not know it's
there and i'm going to tell you what it sounds like i can't believe he said that he knows i'm a
christian why would he say that to me i can't believe he's acting like that oh let's see some
more entitlement um i really like him and he should like me back i mean i reached out first
at least he could say um let's see so those are these um expectation of reciprocal interests
those were those type of those phrases that come up and the reason i'm giving you phrases so you
can hear entitlement and find out where you hear entitlement in yourself because some in your mind
may say oh well this just makes sense but it could actually be what i just said it is and it's called
entitlement um so then you have time investment entitlement so we've been talking for x amount
of days he needs to come on and say whatever he's going to say because by now he should have made a
decision right it's been enough time for him to make a decision um or for anybody on your job we
don't have to always relate it to him but we are talking about dating but entitlement shows up in
so many ways it can show up in a relationship with your children with family members whoever
you think owes you something it could be somebody in the store when we operate an entitlement it
just pops out everywhere it's not the person it's actually us right um entitlement shows up in our
emotional um labor labor expectations so these emotional expectations that we have of someone
when we pour into them these expectations they should give me something back because i gave you
this and so now you owe me something back in return um then you have communication style demands
he should know how to communicate better
he should know they should know how to do this better than this right um or he should know how
to say that differently i don't like the way they say it they should say it different i don't like
it i can't believe you said that that way um uh relationship progression timelines like you know
that i put this much time in at this point we should be here i kind of mentioned that a lot
at this point we should be here i kind of mentioned that on the other part but these
these expectations of something that should be so let's understand so those are the things
pick your voice that talks to you and then let's understand entitlement and dating what is
entitlement my typing is very small because i'm not able to print at home like i was when i was
so entitlement is the belief that we
Deserve something simply because we want it
That is so funny to me because it's so like me
I want it
Right. Um
It is without having to earn it or respect another person's autonomy
Right, I want this it doesn't matter what you think or how you feel
This is how it should be because what I said is how it should be
Right completely ignore the person that they have their own autonomy to make their own decisions
It doesn't matter um
Um in dating it shows up as
expecting
Outcomes or responses or behaviors from others based on what we've invested or how we feel
Rather than accepting that other people have their own
Free will and choices
Um
So the broken heart connection when we've been hurt disappointed or rejected
Our pain can I don't know why I don't know if it's because i'm 42 or something
But something's going on with me in small words. Let me turn this little light away because something's not working here
um
When we've been hurt disappointed rejected our pain can
Our pain a pain can create a sense of god owes me or the guy that i've been dating owes me
When we understand that many of you have experienced hurt in the past, but remember the part to partner with
I'm different now and I can continue to heal and approach new connections with openness instead of expectations that aren't held
so
Let's talk on that
So we understand what entitlement is you owe me just because I am who I am
We strip away a person's autonomy to make their own decisions
And we make the decisions and everybody all of our little players should buy it
We also see entitlement. I am a firm believer that what we do to others
We also do in our relationship with the lord
And so you'll see a sense of entitlement when it comes to the lord when you decide that you've set time like this should have
Happened by now
And i'm tired of waiting
And i've invested and i've done this and i've done this and i've done this
And what happens is we have a god in our mind that serves us and not a god that we serve
Because it doesn't work like that in a human to a god relationship. No matter who your god is
Gods don't serve humans humans serve gods
And you know that you have a sense of entitlement when you begin to tell the one who knows all sees all knows every part
Of you that you have done enough and this should have happened by now
Because you just
It's all right. And so this entitlement will see even even in our relationship with the lord and it's okay
Um, it's not like oh shame on you or bad for you or anything like that
You know children are entitled by default
Why don't you think about children? They don't work for their food
They don't work for a home
Everything that a child needs we can start with the baby. Everything they need is provided for them. They do nothing for it
They don't have to clothe themselves they don't have to do anything food is just there they open the refrigerator
It's just there and so by default there's something that is created in them
Which is called entitlement and what parents do those who've had children you have to do certain things to cause them to be grateful
You have to intentionally cause your children to be thankful because it's your responsibility to teach them how to be grateful and thankful
And when you don't you call them some little pricks
You are ungrateful
But we have to actually teach gratefulness and thanksgiving because it doesn't come naturally you want it to come naturally
But it can't come naturally because entitlement comes first
It's so natural because they don't have to work for anything that they get
It's laid out for them. And so because we know that a sense of entitlement can come parents
Instinctively what they do is they go in
on purpose and they
Withdraw things from their children
They cause delayed gratification
Children ask you why you say just because sometimes intentionally you don't give them an answer
Why because you're a parent and you can do that and you say in yourself i'm not going to answer to you
That teaches your child a lesson that the one who's in authority does not have to respond just because they want to respond
The one in authority has the right to withhold
hold the thoughts of the one in authority
because the one in authority can do that, right?
The one in authority knows more than they know,
can see farther than they can see.
And so yes, I will make a decision that you're not,
you shouldn't be eating sugar past this time.
I will make a decision that you need to go to bed
at this time because you're gonna have to get up
in the morning and I know that your little body
can't handle this.
And I don't owe you an explanation for it
because I'm the authority.
And a lot of times, and I'm using that example
because I'm going there because that's how it kind of works
with us and God.
We don't know why he makes all the decisions.
We can ask him and he won't respond
and it will frustrate the heck out of you sometimes
because it's like, I just want an answer.
I just want you to explain this.
And he doesn't because he knows more and he sees all
and he knows what's best and he chooses in his wisdom.
And it's hard for us to accept this sometimes.
And I don't know why I'm hanging on to this one
because I really wanna go back to the other one.
But for anybody who needs this,
God chooses in his wisdom and it doesn't feel good.
But we have to come up with the absolute that God is good.
And if you've not been convinced of his goodness,
then you have to spend some time sitting with him
and looking back over your life and count up the fact
that you got breath in your lungs
and your legs move for you every day.
You have eyes to see and ears to hear and a voice to talk.
Just look around you.
The Bible says that the whole earth speaks of who God is,
that all of the earth is commanded to praise the Lord.
You look around you and you make up in your mind
that God is good and he is good to me
because the Bible says that no matter what you've done,
that he reigns on the just as well as the unjust.
And if you are in your right mind
and you have breath in your body,
then God is good no matter what you have done.
He is still good to you.
So just for anybody who needs that encouragement.
So just, yeah, take that.
I don't know why, but I dare not move on from the spirit
when the spirit wants to minister.
So yeah, I'm back.
So let's talk about entitlement
that you ladies have experienced in dating already.
Who's experienced some entitlement?
When I name the entitlement thoughts to you
or things that you say to yourself, who's it?
Natalie, what have you experienced
with entitlement in dating?
Well, I get a little bit confused
because I do try to check myself and realize, you know,
it's more of just kind of like a feeling inside.
Like it's something that I notice will trigger me
or I'll get upset about.
And I really wanna be clear as far as like
what the difference is between say entitlement
and like just either respect
and or this just plain doesn't work for me and that's okay.
So for, okay, so let's just say that
because it's not my intention to be entitled.
You know, like I don't wanna have
like this princess heir or attitude,
but sometimes the way that the communication
is coming across is either disrespectful.
And I don't think that makes me entitled.
I just think that that's disrespect on their part
and it doesn't resonate with me
or they just have a different approach to doing something.
And I know that that type of communication
just doesn't work for me, you know?
So I feel like, yes, we can show grace,
but in the long run, it's like,
I do believe that I know myself well enough
to just be like, you know what?
I can see this guy means well, or he's nice,
but this just isn't going to work for me.
And I don't know if that,
I wouldn't say that that makes me feel entitled,
but the example, say for example,
would be they're constantly using abbreviations
and I'm not talking like, LOL.
I'm talking like every time they say the word your,
it's always you are, you know?
I know it sounds petty, but it's like, to me,
it just shows a little bit of immaturity
or it's like, are you really that busy
where you can't spell out your words?
Are you even being intentional?
You know, what are you doing on here on this dating app?
You know, I just don't really feel like you care,
you know, or instead of like,
hey, we've been chatting for a while.
I'd like to have the opportunity to get to know you better.
They're just like, what's your number?
You know, and it just, it really upsets me,
but I'm realizing like,
I just don't want to be spoken to that way.
And also I'm thinking like,
if this is supposed to be your best foot forward
and this is your idea of healthy communication,
I don't want to communicate further
with a person like this.
So I'm a little, I just want to be careful about that,
about the difference.
Okay, that's really good.
And I see you, Felicia.
So what Natalie is talking about is the difference
between entitlement and empowerment.
And so that's what we're going to journey from today
in the next seven minutes, from entitlement to empowerment.
So empowerment says, I don't prefer this style.
I'm going to go ahead and make a decision
that we're not going to talk.
That's empower.
I'm empowered to say this doesn't work for me.
OK.
Now, in between there to her journey,
it's a journey from one place to the next place.
Because in between there, we can make a lot of judgments.
So the judgment is, how could you
talk to somebody like this?
But what Natalie is saying is, this doesn't work for me.
You decide quickly what doesn't work for you,
but you also don't have to pass judgment on the individual
because they don't do something the way you like it.
And that's where the lines get blurry,
because it does go into a sense of,
I think this is disrespectful.
I think this is this.
Especially over, let's say, to take her example,
the way a person spells a word.
That's not her flavor.
And the quicker you recognize what's not your flavor,
the quickly you can make decisions
about who you want to invest, exchange your time with.
But is that ideally, is it disrespectful?
No.
But that's her judgment of that type of language.
Does it make that person a disrespectful person?
It doesn't.
But that's her judgment of a person who uses those words.
But it does not make that person those things.
Are we following what I'm saying?
Yes, that's helpful.
Yeah, so what happens in entitlement
is that we fail to see people as an individual who
have their own style and their own flow.
So just like Natalie could say, oh, well, that's disrespectful.
A person could say, what do you mean?
You know what?
You got a problem, Natalie.
Neither person is accepting the other person
just for who they are.
And an empowered person says, I see that we are different,
and this doesn't work.
And we want to go to empowered people
where we don't have to make any type of judgment
about the other person, but we quickly
see that this doesn't work.
Because that's their style, and they have the right
to have that style.
And I have my style, and I have the right to have my style.
And I don't owe you an explanation for who I am
and how I show up.
Neither do you owe me an explanation
for who you are and how you show up.
But I can make a decision to say this doesn't serve me well.
And that's what an empowered individual does.
Felicia.
Oh, yeah.
As you were talking this evening,
I kind of going to myself and realize,
and I do know her, that entitlement was always
a part of the way I speak.
And I try to learn how to do it, as I said, being empowered.
Because I was taught in other coaching how to influence
someone instead of say, this is what I want.
But I saw it coming up in.
But first, I thought it was a little bit of guarded heart.
I don't know how you want to respond to that.
Where I felt that my heart is guarded,
but not in a balanced way.
And that is coming up.
And also, as you were talking about the entitlement,
I like this, and I don't like it that way.
And I like it this way, and I don't want to do it that way.
And as you're saying, if I see where entitlement
is definitely a part of it.
And this guy and I were talking very well.
But I could find, I can see, based on how we're speaking,
I could hear the entitlement in it.
I could hear it in me.
And like I said, the guarded heart is another thing
that's out of balance.
I never knew I was so guarded,
but I knew I've heard that before,
that I have walls up, right?
So my, and I'm so ready always to deal with it,
because I don't, I'm the kind of person,
I don't play with those kind of emotions for long.
I just want to process them so I can continue being healthy.
But the entitlement is really, as you're so on point,
I just grab hold of that and realize
that I can say something, but it can be empowering,
or I can influence someone to understand what I'm saying,
rather than say, I don't like it this way.
This is what I want.
I mean, I, when you said it, it really doesn't sound healthy, but it's true.
I like to hear other people say, so I don't know how you can help me with that way.
Like my question was, I had it written down.
How can I soften up my guarded heart?
And I know, you know, I spend time with the Lord and it's been very well since I've been
figuring out this week that I do have it.
I have been really paying attention really intentionally about it.
Then I found it was a matter of surrender, something that I don't learn to, I'm learning
how to, but it's not something that I was always able to surrender myself to someone
that's going to be a tough one.
But I know with God, it's possible that I can do that because I'm always protecting
myself all my life, taking care of myself, but I'm ready to let it go.
I'm ready to just walk in and let, you know, trust that God is sending that one.
So I can surrender to that one and it's going to be all good.
So those are the three things, the surrender, the entitlement and the guarded heart.
Yeah, I want to, the guarded heart is a real thing, ladies, especially we've done life
and you've been hurt.
You've been in relationships, any type of relationships.
It usually starts when we're very young to start guarding our hearts.
It doesn't start with the man that you're dating.
It started in your childhood.
Like she said, all my life had to take care of myself and look for myself.
You're talking to a single woman.
Now, single woman got to take care of herself.
We kind of go into our masculine role because we got to provide for ourself.
There's already something built up in you.
And what I want to say is be kind to yourself.
I, within myself, did not have the ability to turn my heart to a man.
I am aware of that.
I told the Lord, you're going to have to help me turn my heart because I gave my heart to
the Lord for safekeeping.
And in time, I asked him to help me release it because we need that because you're in
dating for discovery.
So there's going to have to be a level of vulnerability.
And this is where you get to practice levels of vulnerability without opening yourself
completely up because that's not what's required.
We open up in safety, not in I'm going to go against something and just do a thing.
And I want you to hear me, hear me well, that your heart is guarded.
You've been conditioned for this.
Ladies, if you're single, you're taking care of yourself.
If it's going to get got, you're the one getting it.
If the bill going to get paid, you're the one paying it.
Whatever has to be done, you're the one of somebody's going to take care of your children
is you're the one doing it.
And so within you naturally, this is already there.
So you start dating and you're trying to force your natural self was naturally been built
up in you to go against something instead of working with it and willing it like this
and taking your time.
In seeing people as people, the expectations you put on me is what calls you to be so guarded.
And I know you may have never heard this, but what we, the expectation you're putting
out is causing you to be guard.
I guarantee you, if you saw that man like a person, you would not be guarded because
you're not seeing him as a potential husband.
You're not seeing him as a potential somebody who could hurt you.
You're not seeing him as a potential person who could be lying to you.
You're not seeing him as a potential rejection.
You're not seeing him as a potential let down.
You're not seeing him with the scarcity of the mindset, but you see him as a man that
you're going out to coffee with.
And that's it.
It's our, it's, it's, it's, and it takes a programming.
Like I told you guys, if you heard me, I tell myself this thing over and over and over and
over again, I had to tell myself, and you have to train yourself into a new way of thinking.
And it's worth it because you're going to have to one day see your husband as a man
and not as an extension of you.
You're going to have to see him as an individual with his own brain and own mind to think how
he wants to choose to follow God.
When he wants, just like you have the autonomy to do the same thing.
The problem is men don't usually, unless they have an issue, but usually try to tell a woman
how to be, unless he's controlling and all these, right.
Abusive and all these other things.
But usually women are the ones trying to will a person to be just like them.
Think like me, be like me.
I wouldn't do it that way.
Why are you doing it this way?
Right.
And so I just want you to know that Felicia, the turning of your heart, these guards and
these walls that you have up, it's not a real thing that they come just tumbling down and
down.
You just open it free.
Some of these things are survival.
techniques and you're going to get to a point in life and you're going to get with someone that
God brings into your life and you're not going to, you're going to realize you don't have to
survive anymore. And the safer you feel with yourself first, there's not safety in another
person till there's safety in you. The safety is in you when you trust you to make decisions
without blowing it. That's why a lot of times when we, I coach first, I like to ask the question
back. Why do you think that? Why do you think this is sleazy? Why do you think this? And I
know sometimes like I hope they don't feel offended, but I need you to discover so that
you can take courage that when you make a decision to bless and block, that it's a done deal.
I am a learner. And when I share it with the coach, if they say, oh, it could have looked
this way, you can say, okay, I'll try that next time. Because you recognize that you are a learner
and you're growing and it's fun. And I am telling you that no decision that you're making right now,
the whole world is not riding on it. Your marriage is not going down a hill in a basket,
fast as it can go because of the decision you make to walk away from somebody or decision you
make to stand your ground and advocate for yourself. You're going to lose something so good.
Let me tell you something. If you are a woman that is filled with
power when you stand your ground, and that is the man, he going to say, I like that woman.
She knows what she wants. She values herself. She honors herself.
The right man is going to see honor and he's going to want honor in his life.
A kingdom man wants honor in his life. He wants peace in his life.
And so you can't lose. That's what's so good. And I'm not going to preach any longer,
but this is what's so good about the position that you're in. I'm telling you, you can't lose.
Everything is a win for you in this season of your life. You are surrounded with a community.
You have someone in your ear coaching you. You are a learner. Remember, I am a learner
and I am learning and you should have fun because you're not doing it by yourself and you cannot lose.
I'm going to just throw that in there. And so, yes, your heart is going to be guarded
and that's okay. I'm trying to remember who, I think it was yours, Lolita.
All right. My entitlement is because like you said, I take care of myself and I can
do everything for myself. I want a man to take care of me and I really don't want him to take
care of me, but I want a man to take care of me. You know what I'm saying?
I know. I've been working. You think I need somebody else to come along now? I got to see
a working husband. Right. That's the nature of a woman to be cared for. But go ahead.
So what I was saying, financially, he can take care of me. Like I said, I don't need him to,
but I want him to want to do it. And then I'll be like, oh no, I got it. Whatever.
But you know what I'm saying? Right.
So that's my entitlement, I think. When you said entitlement, I was like, oh my goodness,
that is my entitlement, definitely. So maybe your entitlement, let's define that a little
bit more because now it's natural of a woman to desire to be cared for. I believe it's in our DNA
we were made that way. Because your husband cares for you doesn't mean that you don't have businesses
and ideas popping up in your mind. If you could get free from going to exchange your time for
money, you can actually be more creative. Yeah. Now there are a lot of things in that. So your
desire to be cared for is one thing, but you have purpose on your life. And so we always tie our,
what we do for money, what we do, like work is purpose. But there's so many things on the inside
of us that if we could get relief from having to be at a job, we can birth our purpose. But now this
is an entitlement now, what I'm about to say now, that you feel like maybe if you're married to
somebody that his money is your money. He owes you. Nobody owes you their money if they go to
work every day. Because if I came into your life and told you that you owe me your money,
you're going to look at me like I'm crazy. So is it an entitled thing to believe that
something you go out and work for that you owe me was yours?
Does that make sense?
But rather than mind that,
but rather than mindset that
because we are in union together,
we get to share our finances
if that's the decision that we made.
And I understand that you don't owe me,
but because you honor and you love me,
you give to me.
Yeah.
Because it produces appreciation in a woman
and a man can feel the appreciation from that woman
versus her feeling like you owe me because you married me.
And that is a lie.
Yeah, that's a lie, yeah.
And it doesn't produce honor.
It doesn't produce appreciation.
And one way I want you guys to be able to tell
if you're operating in entitlement,
does it produce honor?
Is it producing appreciation?
Are you looking at that person
with eyes of compassion and empathy?
Or do you hear the accuser in your mind?
The Bible says that love covers,
but Satan is the accuser of the brethren.
Just listen to your thoughts.
If they're accusing, it's the enemy.
I have one more thing to say.
Go ahead.
I was on a call with this guy from Philly
and I always, you know,
like the Philly accent and all this stuff.
And I was talking to him and everything was pretty good,
but he's a lot older than me.
And he's a chaplain.
He's a police chaplain.
Yeah.
But he was telling me stories
about they're shooting around his way,
bullets coming in his car.
I'm like, I don't think I want to meet you.
I don't think I want to date you.
Like, I'm not going to go to your house
and shoot around.
Like, you know what I mean?
Like, I feel like I worked hard to get out of that.
Like, no.
So that's my entitlement right there.
No, that's not entitlement.
You don't want that.
You just made a choice that that's not the life you want.
No, that's not entitlement.
You're entitled.
So you have a right to say, I don't want that life.
Okay.
I don't want you to confuse your rights with entitlement.
All of us have the right to decide
this is not something I desire in my life
and I'm going to make a decision
that I don't have to settle for things anymore.
Right?
You got it?
Okay.
So you're in a bad deadline.
One thing I didn't touch on, I do see your hand, Kayla.
One thing I didn't touch on, because I don't want to,
I don't want, it's a lot more here,
but I want you guys to be able to share it too.
When we have, get to know a man
and we expect him to make up for our past wounds and hurts,
have you guys ever dated somebody
and you tried to make them pay?
You don't know that you're doing,
but you want them to pay for what another man has done.
And so before they even say something,
you've already deemed them to be a liar.
But you really can't trust what they saying anyway.
I don't know.
Now I need to be suspect.
I'm going to have to watch you because you never know.
Okay.
That's suspicion.
And it is a form of making someone else pay
for a wound that someone has caused.
Let's see.
Does that make sense?
And so listen to those,
listen to those voices in your mind.
Listen to yourself.
Those thoughts are going to speak.
And I want you to be mindful
that you're not causing someone else to pay
for what someone else did.
It's very easy.
How do I know?
Because I was the queen of it.
I have to watch my thoughts so well
because I was the queen of it.
And I will still reign.
And if I didn't have sense enough to listen to myself
and correct myself quickly.
Jackie said this in one of her teachings
about our, the way we love, you know,
like whether you are anxious or avoidant.
She said, a lot of times, it's not that we,
maybe we can't change
because those patterns are created so early.
But when we hear them, we can bend and go the other way.
Okay.
I had this really toxic trait in me that still pops up now.
I am more attracted to a man if I argue and fight with him.
Not fist fight.
But if I argue with him, I'm attracted.
It's like, ooh, I like that.
That's toxic.
I learned to love that way.
And so does it still exist in me?
Yes.
But do I let it have life in me?
No, I do not.
And so when I feel it coming up.
But when I hear it, I say, hey, no, that's not healthy.
And I nip it in the bud.
And so we have to listen to ourselves,
listen for entitlement cues.
And when we hear them, we redirect ourselves.
And we remind ourselves that this is a person.
They have the right to be who they are.
I have the right to be who I am.
And I'm going to make a powerful decision and disconnect.
Let people be who they are and stop asking them
to be somebody for your sake.
And so one of the things, and if you're in here,
I'm not just peeking on you.
We pull from the post.
But somebody said, and I asked them,
the person said, I can't believe that person,
they know I'm a devout Christian.
Well, you're not the first woman who
said that every woman says that.
I cannot believe they're using this foul language.
If you've ever said that as a woman,
you could just wave your hand.
Like, I can't believe they talking to me like this.
But this is what they said.
Well, they talking like that and Jesus hears them.
Who are you?
Like, who do you really think you are?
That's the question you should ask back to yourself.
If this person dishonors their God, who am I?
This is who they are.
And my powerful decision that I get to make is to say,
you know what?
I really don't enjoy foul language.
It's not going to work for me.
And it's OK that they curse.
Because they get the right to use any word they want.
Like, I get the right to use any word I want,
and I don't use that word, and they do.
And that's OK with me.
I have friends who cuss up a storm, and I love them.
I don't care that they curse.
But all of a sudden, when it comes to a man, which
if you consider him for a husband, I get that.
I'm not saying that.
If this man says he's righteous in his language,
his fruits speak a different thing, well, it don't work.
That's not what I'm saying.
Don't hear that.
But I am just saying, have the ability
to see people for who they are, then
make a powerful decision whether you
want to carry on with them as a part of your life.
And we're dating for discovery.
And it's really good when you discover
that thought in your head that says,
how dare he curse in front of me?
Well, isn't that a good thought to discover?
One day, your lovely, God-sent husband
is going to do a lot of things that you don't like.
How do I know?
Because love is built from forgiveness
over and over and over and over and over and over again.
How do I know that?
Because that's what Jesus does for us.
He gives us mercy, grace, forgiveness.
That's what love looks like.
And if you believe that love looks like something else,
a news flash, it doesn't.
It looks like forgiveness.
It looks like mercy.
It looks like justice.
It looks like truth.
It just is.
The Bible says that whom much is forgiven,
they love much more.
OK?
So Kaelin.
Hey, I'm so sorry.
I got in later.
And what I had to say is not on entitlement.
So you want to come back to me later?
It was just a question.
It's OK.
No, no, no, you're good, Kaelin.
We're going to open up for coaching.
And then when we coach, if you guys
have another thought on entitlement,
we may pick back up on it again next week
because we can dig through so much.
And I want you guys to be able to expose your thoughts
because upon exposure, you can work things differently.
I am very vulnerable and open because I
learned a long time ago that when I lay it out,
nothing is hidden.
And if I can bring it to the light,
I believe with everything in me, if I
can get it to the light, I can deal with this thing.
Yes.
That's a principle of law that works in me.
And so I just throw it out there all the time.
OK, go for it, Kaelin.
OK, so I think I posted it in the group,
but I wanted to address it here.
And then also, another thing, I realized
that I just watched the boundaries video
and I've already gone too far spiritually with somebody.
So how do you take that?
You can't take it back.
I don't know.
It's nothing.
I'm like you.
I'm very vulnerable.
I'll be talking to a stranger about everything
the Lord has done for me, and I'm not ashamed.
So I'm like, how do you?
I'm confused.
How do I?
You know, like.
Well, Kaelin, so let's talk about what
does that look like when we talk about spiritual things.
So what you want to do is say.
Hey, if you're just testifying that God is good,
he's done some amazing things in my life,
that's one thing.
We do that when we evangelize, right?
You go out and you make somebody tell me your God story,
let me tell you what God has done for me.
That's one thing.
Spiritual boundaries, when you're getting to know a person,
if you wanna be a healthy connection,
we're not praying together,
we're not reading the Bible together.
Because those things make you believe
you know a person better than you do.
True.
You don't know them.
You really don't know them.
And so when you do that,
that makes you think you know them.
So don't worry, even if you have done some things,
you guys, we are learners.
And it's supposed to be fun.
I love the way you even laughed about it.
And you did a great job.
I did?
You were like, oh, I messed up already?
Oh, no, no, no, you can't mess up.
You can't mess up.
When God is writing your love story,
he is giving you permission to have fun.
Okay, thank you for that.
Go have fun.
I know, and I do trust that he's gonna protect me.
Like, yeah, anyway, second question.
So there's this guy,
I know this is like a typical story,
but I need to like confess this
so that I can be healed and maybe other people
and be set free and yeah.
So this guy for a couple years at church,
this is gonna sound crazy, y'all,
but he like pops up everywhere.
I'm telling you, I go to the bank.
I wasn't even gonna go in.
I was gonna go through the drive-thru,
like the thing wouldn't fit in the tube,
so I had to go in.
He's in there two minutes later.
It's like coincidence after coincidence is weird.
I would go to the bathroom, he's right there.
Like not creepy, but like, I can't explain it.
I feel like, I know this sounds crazy too,
but like from different things that have been said,
I feel like my pastor is like wanting to hook us up.
I feel like there's this pressure
in the atmosphere for that.
Like when I said that he's not that cute,
physical doesn't matter as much to me
as your spiritual, like everything else.
I can, even if you're not that cute,
I can, I'm gonna be accepting of you.
But the point is I'm like,
I feel like confusion is not from the Lord,
but I also know that there have been open doors
from the Lord that I have complicated and made confused
because I wasn't taking his signs.
And like my job right now is an example.
I know that was from the Lord now that I'm in it
and after, but I had to complicate it before.
And so there's been little things and I'm like,
do I need to ask him out?
Do I not?
We're both, I don't work for the church,
but I serve in many capacities.
He's on the worship team.
So I don't wanna be like weird about it, you know,
but I don't know what to do.
There's a whole lot more details to the story.
So I don't know if that's good enough, but.
Yeah, do you deem him a safe person?
I do deem him as safe.
Yeah, I don't think he would be harmful or anything.
Oh, good.
Well, what you can do is you can ask him
if he wants to grab a cup of coffee,
hang out after service.
Okay, that's hard for me.
That's why I needed your help.
Yeah, cause I'm like,
I feel like they're supposed to do that,
but I have on the date maps, I have started.
I love, I have started liking people first.
Like I've been trying, but I feel like he should do that.
But there's been times where he's come up to me
and he's so like stumbly with his words,
which I am too, if I'm nervous about you,
cause now I feel like you feel some type of way.
So now I feel some type of way and it's kind of like,
you know.
Well, I tell you what,
I think the best way to do it is all in the language
you use.
Now, if you get somebody else involved,
that's when you're gonna feel more pressure.
Like.
There has been other people.
Yeah, like if you ask somebody,
you go through somebody else
and somebody else say something to him,
and then let's say it don't quite work out.
Now everybody in the circle know.
Now, so what you can do is just say,
Hey, you know, whatever his name is.
Hey, John, how about we grab a cup of coffee?
That's crazy.
You said Josh.
Oh, I said Josh.
Okay.
So you say, look Josh,
how about we grab a cup of coffee and hang out
after service?
Let's get to know each other a little bit better.
Did you hear my tone?
It was very just calm, cool, and collect.
Just calm, cool, and collected.
And you can even say,
Josh, I am kind of nervous about asking you this,
but I want to know if you want to go get a cup of coffee
and kind of hang out after service.
Let's get to know each other better.
Okay.
And bring some,
and it is hard, Kalen.
It's not gonna be easy.
It's gonna be very-
It's hard, especially because he's so involved
and I'm so involved and I don't want to be,
you know what I'm saying?
But I also, I feel like,
I don't want to say I need closure,
but I'm so tired of this coming up.
Like it got to the point,
and I know this probably sounds crazy,
but I don't care.
I'm gonna confess.
Like I prayed about this dude,
like fasted and prayed other things too.
Like it was during a conference and everything,
but I was like, Lord, I need a sign.
He gave me this Hebrew symbol of,
I can't, I'd have to draw it out for you,
but it's Nun in Hebrew.
You know what Nun means?
One of the many meanings was Joshua, son of Nun.
I'm like, you got to be kidding me.
You got to be kidding me.
This is so fun.
And you should do it, Kaylin.
OK.
You need to say something to him, Kaylin.
And you need to say something.
And you're going to have so much fun dropping the hanky.
And you're going to be nervous.
Your heart is going to be pounding.
But I'm telling you, courage doesn't show up
unless fear is around.
Fear has to be at your door for courage to come.
It's not going to come without the presence of fear.
So just do it and go get some coffee
or go get some ice cream.
Get you some questions from Google
called ice breaker dating questions.
And ask questions like this.
If you can be any character in the Bible,
who would you be and why?
Like you really want fun questions
that give a light environment so that he can get to know you.
And you can get to know him without this overhanging thing
like, are you the one?
You think God is saying we're the one to be together?
Right.
And there has been this thing.
And I don't want that.
You know what I'm saying?
Because I'm totally fine.
And then I'm like, do I need to prepare myself?
I don't want to be expecting the worst.
But do I prepare myself for, I don't even
want to call it rejection.
Because I hope the best for him and for me.
You know?
Yeah.
Oh, shoot.
I'm sorry.
It's OK.
I think there was somebody else talking.
I love it.
Yeah.
But go ahead.
What were you saying?
Like, how do I prepare for rejection?
Like, it doesn't bother me with random people
online that I've dealt with.
But because it's harder, you know?
Well, it is going to be harder because you're
going to see him at church.
So I'm giving you this other option.
If there's someone that you trust that could go to him
and ask him straight up, like, look,
would you be interested in getting to know Kaelin better?
I would love to make that connection for you.
Not say Kaelin is interested in you.
If you have one person that can go to him and say,
I want to straight up know, are you interested in getting
to know Kaelin better just as an individual?
And then if so, I want to talk to her
because I thought maybe y'all have a lot in common.
OK.
I'm not sure.
I'd have to pray about that and see who the Lord reveals
as a safe individual.
But I'll do one or the other for sure.
Yeah.
So maybe if you had a person like that, you could do that.
I think that'll work too for you.
OK.
I appreciate you.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
Let's go, Natalie.
You guys, let's do minute to two minutes.
So you talk a minute.
I talk two minutes.
Got it?
I want to get everybody in.
Go, Natalie.
OK.
So I'm talking to a guy who went through a major transformation
two years ago.
And it's concerning for me because, and again,
I don't want to judge him, but he's been married twice.
And it's been the same reason why that marriage has failed
because he's had an emotional affair each time
due to his insecurity and lying and anger issues.
But he's saying that two years ago,
he had a come to Jesus moment and now he speaks Christianese
and sending me, you know, oh, did you check the word of the day today?
And oh, and we were like on the phone for like three and a half hours last night.
And he sounds like a therapist, probably because he's gone through therapy.
And it's like, I believe in second chances.
But that just gives me anxiety.
It's like it's just too much.
And I don't know.
I just don't know.
I don't really know how to do that.
But I think it kind of ties into our whole, you know,
entitlement, empowerment conversation, too.
But I'm thinking that this just doesn't work for me.
And I don't I don't know.
How long have you been knowing him?
I literally just met him over the phone last night.
So like we have been talking back and forth on like messaging
for maybe a couple of days a week the most.
And we spoke for the first time over the phone last night.
And what prompted him to tell you all those things about his history?
Because he wanted to know my testimony.
He's like, oh, I would love to hear how you became a Catholic
and from a Catholic to a Christian.
I was brought up in a in a Catholic home as well.
And I was like, oh, OK.
So I didn't mind sharing that, you know, about my testimony.
And I was like, how about you?
He's like, well, my testimony is more involved.
But, you know, you know, God's released me from shame now.
But this is my testimony.
And then he just spilled his guts like the whole story.
And I was like.
Oh, I didn't see this coming.
So my two minutes is up.
Yeah, that's a good example, Natalie.
I just want to use that for an example right now.
You guys, she didn't ask for that.
And men are not coached, so they'll just share everything.
A lot of them do it.
And I'm going to try to talk fast.
But that's what happens when you share stuff
you shouldn't share too soon.
Because she didn't even have a chance to get to know him.
And so a lot of times, we think that we're so deep
and we just share stuff.
Don't do it.
This is why.
People are going to pack up and run from you.
Nobody wants to be involved in something like that.
They hadn't even got a chance to know you as an individual.
And now that she knows this information,
I can't tell Natalie to overlook that.
Show grace, I can't say it.
But that's going to be very hard for her as a woman
to move forward in something like that
when a person says they had an emotional affair
because the makeup of her as a woman.
It had been probably easier for if he said he cheated
with an actual woman than an emotional affair
because that emotional affair is very hard.
Women connect emotionally.
Like you can forgive someone
they said they cheated on their wife.
Like, okay, people do it, right?
Then you say you did it a second time.
He's like, wait a minute, this is a behavior.
And so that's not going to work for Natalie.
I can't convince her for that to work.
But I did want to use that an example to say
that's why we don't share things upfront,
emotional things, spiritual things and physical things.
You don't cross those boundaries
because it blurs everything.
And you can't get to know a person for who they are.
Thanks Natalie.
But yeah, the idea of this,
that ain't gonna work.
Yeah, yeah.
Heather.
Hi.
Hey.
I'm glad to be here tonight
because I tried to go to three
and then I realized I didn't have anybody to talk to
and I got questions.
So I was like, wait, too fast.
Let me come back to group two for a minute.
My question is this,
I am just reading it so I can read it correctly.
Well, now I lost it.
I guess nevermind.
But my question is,
I was typing, writing back and forth
to someone from Facebook dating stuff.
And he, I'm trying to date,
I'm seeking to date long distance
because I'm in Colorado for the summer in particular,
but in general, but I'm not interested in staying here.
I'd rather be on the East coast.
So I talked to someone who seems like a nice guy
or informationally seems like a good match.
And then he said, well, you know,
it seems like we have a lot in common.
That's really great.
My main question is,
how would long, what would longest,
I'm not phasing right,
but what would long distance dating look like to you?
How would we navigate that?
Because he's considering that.
And I know we've talked about,
you know, you want to see a person
within a certain amount of, you know, six weeks,
especially if they're long distance
and that's not an issue for me.
And, you know, you want to do this,
but I actually didn't know how to articulate
and respond to the question of
what does that look like to you?
And I don't, so me not knowing how to answer that
makes me feel like I'm going to make somebody run away.
Cause I'm like, I don't know, we can work it out.
You know, that's not,
this is somebody who's got a kid
and they really want to figure out like,
how does that work?
And I, in my head, I'm like, well, I can fly often.
I have a place that's in New York.
Okay, we're a couple hours away
and I don't really care in case he's in Delaware
and I can make the transition,
but it's all this inarticulate,
like blah, blah, blah in my brain,
as opposed to a cohesive answer
that would make sense to somebody who's like,
how would this work?
And I don't know how to answer it properly.
Yeah, Heather, are you more introverted?
Yes, I'm extroverted as in I perform for a living,
but when it comes to me, I'm introverted.
I struggle and I am more avoidant, so.
Yeah, I really enjoy introverted and extroverted individuals.
God needed both of us in the earth.
I love how you don't let something come out
until you have it together.
And I let stuff come out and I have to clean it up.
But, so what you're going to do is you're going to say,
we're going to be doing a lot of FaceTime
and we're going to do a lot more communication
because we won't be seeing each other.
And we'll try to plan our schedule
when we can get together and try to come both ways
since we're going to be traveling
and make those things happen so that we can do that.
Within six weeks, I would, at six weeks or a bit before,
I want us to go ahead and meet up
and see each other in person
before we begin to invest long-term.
And so the sooner we can meet up, the better.
And after that, if we do decide to go on, go forth,
we know that it's going to require a lot of communication
and a lot of FaceTiming because we need to see each other.
The way I prefer to communicate is voice and FaceTime.
I am not a texter.
And I don't want to build a relationship over texting.
Actually, that would not be well until you guys
get to know each other pretty well
and know your tone and your expression of things.
And that's how you do a long-distance relationship.
OK.
We've done this all through text.
He hasn't actually asked me for my number yet.
And I just said communication is key.
And for me, I'm going to be out his area in like two weeks,
so it's not a problem.
But since we haven't actually had a conversation,
he hasn't asked me to talk to him,
I was like, well, that seems a little bit jumping the gun
even with that.
But thank you.
I'll work with those things and be more cohesive
when I put it together.
And circle back, yes, because I actually
do find him really interesting, at least on paper or screen.
And so I don't want to leave it kind
of hanging with an incoherent or not cohesive answer.
Yeah.
I think you also should add that you
seem like an interesting person.
I'm going to be up there in two weeks.
Because one thing about a man is before they invest their time,
a man invests more than a woman.
You may invest your heart and feelings,
but they have to carry the money.
They have to be able, as a man, to know that they can sustain
something financially.
That's where their mind is.
So when they say, well, how is this going to work
before I even start something?
And of course, they don't want to be hurt.
But before we even go down this road, what do you think?
What is this supposed to look like?
And so I think that's probably one of the upfront reasons
why he's saying that.
If he doesn't communicate well, the question
needs to be asked in two weeks.
Check out if he can communicate well.
If he can meet up when you come to town,
look at how much effort he puts in when you say, hey,
I'm coming to town in two weeks.
Let's get together then.
If he shows up, but if you have to like,
I'm sure you won't go for trying to hunt somebody down anyway.
But if you see that there's just a challenge with even meeting
for the first time, and you're bringing yourself to him,
and he's not putting in anything to get you there,
then that's going to give you some sickness.
Because you don't want to just work off a person's words.
You want to observe and see if this even is a possibility.
And you can just observe some things to know that.
He's probably going to be nervous and all of that.
You'll have to look past that part, right?
But you can tell if a person's interested.
OK.
Thank you.
Very helpful.
Appreciate it.
You're welcome.
Keep us updated.
Liz.
Liza.
Is it time to practice conversation, Liz?
But I'm going to give you guys some.
You want me to share, Liz?
Please go ahead.
I do have questions, but go ahead.
No, no, ask your question.
So my question is for two people.
Like one person says, it's honestly
so fascinating, the conversation that he started.
He's like, what's your love language?
What scriptures do you read?
Or what's your denomination of church?
Like what church do you go to?
How many siblings do you have?
First, I'm not comfortable sharing what my love language
is in the first question.
And I'm also not comfortable sharing what scriptures
I read in the first question.
So what do you think about that?
I mean, yeah, he was pretty much interested.
But I don't like those questions in the beginning.
Yeah.
And so you got something to take notes with, Liz.
Lizza?
Oh, good.
Write down this language.
Use this language all the time.
So you guys, let's just, if you've
been on the community wall, you heard Lizza tell her story.
She's never dated before.
And so we are giving her words to use conversation.
And so I told her we would do a little conversation with her
tonight so she can be more comfortable conversating.
So if you sit on the wall, her post is like, he said this.
And so he would say, hey, I spent today hiking,
talking to kids, doing some, some, some.
She would say, oh, good, nothing else.
Then he would say something like, and I'm making this up.
And I went to the grocery store and some, some, some.
She would say, great, nothing else.
And then she would tell me, he's not initiating.
You got to say something besides great or yeah or good.
And so what we're going to do tonight
is we're going to do a little conversation with Lizza.
And then any one of you guys can ask her a question
or ask me a question and I'll respond to you.
So to you, Lizza, somebody is going to say something to me.
I'm going to pick back up what they say
and say something back to them.
So whoever's going to do it when it's time,
just put your mic on and do it.
But Lizza.
Let me give you this language that you're
going to say when a person asks you all these questions
that you're not interested in answering right now.
You're going to say, these are great questions.
We're going to hold them until I get
to know you a little bit better.
So that's right then.
These are great questions, but we're
going to hold out on answering them
until I get to know you better.
That's it.
Now, if you don't think they're great questions,
say, these are all questions, and maybe I'll
get a chance to answer them at a later time.
All right.
The same way when somebody gives an idea.
Doesn't have to be a great idea.
They can say, well, we can do, I don't know, we can go hiking.
That's an idea.
How about bowling or coffee?
Right?
Something like that.
All right.
Let that be your go-to language.
All right.
Somebody, talk to me.
Give me conversation so I can respond.
Anybody.
Come on, somebody.
Try to get to know me.
Go, maybe.
Can I ask a question?
Oh, Liz.
Yes, Liz.
Ask me a question.
But have you had a relationship before?
That's what I asked this man.
I was on the video call.
He's like, have you had a relationship before?
So I said, that's a question too soon.
Like, we'll discover that as we get to know each other.
And he's like, no, I don't think that's a pretty soon question
to ask.
And I'm like, OK.
I don't think that's a pretty soon question to ask.
And I'm like, OK.
I didn't know what to say.
So what would you respond to that?
You should say, he said, you've been in a relationship before.
So I have lots of relationships in my life.
Because you do.
You have a relationship with your family.
You have a relationship with people at your job.
You had lots of relationships before.
OK?
I would stay away from that question.
I don't even know why somebody would ask you that.
But that's not a question you want to answer.
And if you don't want to answer, say,
we're answering that question.
And we can move on to the next question, or we could not.
You have the right to say that.
And it doesn't matter if they stop talking to you.
Who cares?
You got so many people, baby.
You so pretty to me.
It's going to be all over you.
Don't worry about it.
You got lots more to come your way.
I want everybody to think that way, though.
They going to keep coming.
I know you may think they ain't.
But they will.
All right, somebody asked me a question.
And Liz, you can ask me any question you want.
But did they answer you?
Oh, what brought me to the app?
Oh, that is an infamous one.
Why are you still single?
Right?
And this is what I say.
Why are you still single?
That's a question I ask myself all the time.
How's your day been today?
Did you hear that?
I responded, and then I shifted the conversation.
A pretty woman like you still single?
Same thing I said when I looked in the mirror this morning.
So what do you have planned this weekend?
What do you do for work?
Or what do you enjoy that job?
Whatever his profile said that he does.
I look at a person's profile, and I take questions.
I grab my questions from their profile.
I ask them what made them interested in being
a physical therapist.
How did they get involved in their spare time?
What books do they like to read?
Things like that.
Let me see.
Another question.
So would you say you're introverted or extroverted?
You know, sometimes I'm introverted.
Other times, I'm extroverted.
But for the biggest part, I'm extroverted.
What about you?
Do you think you're more introverted or extroverted?
Really introverted.
What makes you say you're introverted?
You see, you use what they say.
You don't have to come up with anything new.
Now, some part of the challenging part
comes up when they don't say much.
That's what most of y'all complain about.
Some women are like, they don't say nothing.
And so when somebody doesn't say nothing, say,
well, I noticed that we were both a little lost for words.
Would you like to do a video chat so we
can get to know each other better?
You can totally do that.
Men just don't have a lot of words sometimes.
How about that?
Great.
Somebody wants to know, what hobbies and talents do you do?
Do you have any hobbies or talents?
Actually, I do.
I really like swimming.
What hobbies do you have?
And so you always use that question
to respond back to that person.
You want to practice one, Liz?
Somebody do a role play with Liz and ask her a question out loud.
Please ask her so she can hear your voice.
I got one.
Go for it, Sarah.
Because I was about to ask you.
Oh my God, I hate when I hear this one.
So tell me about yourself.
Well.
Liz, I shouldn't laugh.
It's just so funny.
That's a lot for Liz.
It's such a happy question.
OK, so I'm going to ask you a question.
OK.
Um, yeah, yeah, that's pushing it so wide open.
Um, tell me about yourself.
Well, I, I enjoy, I enjoy having fun.
Um, I like going out.
I like to play in my evenings.
I went for badminton last night.
I played an hour and a half and that was so fun.
Um, I also like to get together with my small group, but then that church comes
in because it's a huge part of me.
I know I can't do that.
No, no, no, no, no.
You're breaking down.
No, that was good.
Okay.
I like my small group.
Okay.
That's a really good statement to make because it says without you saying that
spiritual things are important to you.
Okay.
There's nothing wrong with saying that.
Okay.
Yeah.
I didn't want you to start going, but you were doing so good.
Who thinks she was doing good?
Give her a hand.
You did good.
Liz, you did good.
Thank you.
That was a pretty open-ended question, but
you guys, you know, open-ended questions are really good questions because
somebody can take it and go in different directions and they make
very good conversational questions.
Closed questions give you one answer because there's no way, no other
way, down the street, that's the only place to go, but with an open-ended
question, people can get it and piggyback off it and piggyback out this
and keep, you know, you get what I'm saying?
Yeah.
How do we answer this?
What are you looking for?
People have asked me that.
So, you know, and this is my go-to.
I use it every time.
That's a great question.
Maybe we can talk about that as we get to know each other a bit better.
Or, you know, those are questions I like to reserve for voice
phone calls versus texting.
And that is true.
And that's what I've always told them.
That's something we can talk about later, especially we can talk over voice.
And they say to me, why?
I said, because so much can be lost in text.
And I would like to be able to explain some of my, my, what am I looking for?
All right.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
These are going to be, I've been on a day and so long, they
all ask the same questions.
And so I write down my answers and I just rotate them out.
Some form of those answers I give, and you have to learn, you
don't have to reinvent the wheel.
Like these just keep working the same pattern with your questions.
And the reason why another reason why Liz, I know I got to go to the next person.
It was hard for you to answer, respond back to the guy because
all of his answers were closed.
Now you could have pulled a lot of things to ask him from it, but they were closed.
They were like, period.
Right.
And the, he didn't respond and say back to you.
So what did you, well, what do you, or what do you, and so you didn't feel
that invitation to do it and remember you're a learner.
Yeah.
That's it.
You're just a learner.
No pressure.
Right.
So when that person is responding, but it's a close ended, like, and then
I'm asking questions and then he answers, but then again, it's a close.
And then I'm asking again.
So how, how much do I ask until I expect that person to respond?
I asked me.
Yeah.
You could just always, I like to just be open with a person.
So, so, um, I know a lot of my questions seem like they're not going far.
Would you like to do a video chat?
If you've decided you want to get to know that person, they look interesting
enough, just move into the video chat and see where you can get from there.
By the end of the week, you want a date.
And if that ain't working, just, you know,
sounds good.
Okay.
You're welcome.
Hey, Ashley.
Yes.
Is there, we're supposed to be talking about Ashley?
Uh, yes.
Um, you actually kind of touched on it with Kaylin because, uh, what is it?
Oh, I forgot what I was talking about.
Um, so a guy that I'm dating knows that I like read the Bible and spend time with
the Lord and he's mentioned it twice, like, Hey, I would like for us to do that
together and just kind of like bypass the question and be like, Oh, let me think
about it or something just to like, get them off my back, right.
And so he asked me again recently, Oh, I would like to do that.
And I'm like,
yeah.
So yeah, that's kind of where I'm at with that.
So the guy that I am now in an exclusive relationship and very marriage minded
relationship with, when we first start, and you're going to see this a lot with
church, I mean, believers, they think that it is the dream of all dreams that the
person they date and they can read their Bible with and pray with it is this
church fantasy that they have.
So because women have it also, they just want a man that can pray with it.
You want a man that can read a Bible with, that's why we love to do it.
And you think that says something about an individual because they want to
do these disciplines with you.
And so he said to me, he said, hey, what are you studying?
Because he knows my lifestyle, it's evident.
And he's like, let's read it together.
I said, oh, no.
I did.
I said, no, I'm not comfortable doing that.
I said, when you read your Bible with a person
or pray with them early on in the stages of getting
to know each other, I said, just like this,
you think you know them better than you do.
I reserve those type of intimate things for exclusivity.
Reading my Bible and praying with a person, so less words.
Let me give you short words.
Reading my Bible and praying with a person
is an intimate thing for me.
I reserve that for exclusivity, meaning
when we have agreed to be in a relationship with each other.
And then we can build that way.
And that was my answer.
And because I'm convinced of it, I
have no fear in sharing that.
I'm a woman of boundaries, and I'm a woman of honor.
And just because he doesn't know what that produces,
I know for myself what it produces.
I have watched women go down the road quickly in this program
because they were so excited.
We're reading the Bible with them and praying with them.
And within a week, it all falls apart.
Two weeks.
I'm sure Jackie has more stories than I could ever
count and think of.
It's not healthy.
And you know what, guys?
You're not looking to be a pastor to someone.
If they want to read their Bible,
they need to take the same initiative that you
take to read their Bible.
If they want to grow spiritually,
they'll take the same initiative.
Well, they may need community.
Well, go find them some community.
They didn't even know you before they met you on a dating app.
Who were they talking to then?
Who?
Well, you inspired them.
Well, they should have had some inspiration
before they came along to you.
Why?
Because you're looking for a marriage-minded individual.
I'm saying if you're talking about reading a Bible
with a person and you're crossing over,
this is not just somebody you're going to coffee with.
They're talking to you in that language.
This is an evaluation if they're marriage-minded,
if they're mature.
If they're these things, they're solid spiritually.
So it's not about that you can't encourage a person,
but this is not the stage that you want to do it in.
But in exclusivity, so one of the things,
because I knew the guy that I'm dating, his name is Tim.
One of the things I knew that he really wanted to do
was read scripture with me.
So when exclusive, I said to him the next day,
so what book of the Bible you want to study?
And he was like, oh, I want to do Ephesians.
I was like, let's go get it.
He's a righteous man.
And I knew that he desired to study scripture with a wife.
And he thought that this was the way to do it,
but I told him that ain't the way I do it, right?
But soon to exclusive, he was so happy.
Let's do it.
I said, you want to pray?
He's like, we can pray?
I was like, go for it.
Let's pray.
And it did not produce these feelings of I know him.
Because after 90 days, because we didn't go exclusive
to after 90 days, I do know him better.
I have watched his character by looking at his fruit.
Because we read scripture, I'm not
impressed about that at this point.
Does that make sense?
It does.
OK.
Was that helpful, Ashley?
It was.
I'll just say this, and I'm about done.
At this particular point, I don't know if he's necessarily
spiritually there, but it's only been a month.
So I'm trying to just get to know him and to see.
I'm trying to be open, not be judgmental.
But yeah, I'm not 100% sure about that.
Ashley, you know, sometimes you give me a little more grace
than I would like.
I do.
I'm too nice.
Yeah.
I didn't talk to you about your grace band.
I'm sorry.
It's too stretchy, Ashley.
Yeah.
But that's OK.
I'm glad that you're not judging,
and I'm glad that you're taking your time.
Have you guys been out on a date yet?
Yeah, we've been out a lot.
If he had it his way, we'd probably
spend all too much, a lot more time together.
But I have to shut it off.
I'm like, I can't.
Like, I talked to you once today.
That's good.
I know.
Do you enjoy him?
Yeah, I mean, I enjoy the companionship.
Like, I enjoy it.
I think he's a nice guy.
Like, there's characteristics about him
I'm not really a fan of.
Like, for instance, like, kind of making fun of people
or talking about people.
I'm not saying that I'm perfect, but that, I'm like,
I just don't want to hear that.
If you see somebody, you know, passing by,
and they have something on that you don't necessarily like,
just don't hear it.
comments like I could do without all that. Yeah. But yeah. Anything else?
Um so I'm currently in Florida by myself and he's been like my dad but I've tried to like give him
grace on that. He's just been like make sure you do this, make sure you do that. I'm like dude uh
I know but I've let him just you know I've just kind of taken I'm like thank you but I'm like oh
okay and probably more but I can't think of anything specifically. Okay now you know I'm
gonna say this you've been in the game a while and so I don't want you keeping those stragglers
around. We are more fine-tuning for you in this process Ashley. Okay. Okay. Hello? Yes. Yes. I'm
ready. I want a little more a little more uh scrutiny of the eye if I can say that for you.
Okay. Yeah. Okay. Yes.
Okay. Good. Good. All right. Megan.
Hey. Hey. Um so it's going well um with David still. Um the guy in California. Not the diaper
boy. Is that what you're laughing about? I remember the guy in California and the diaper boy.
No but he's gone. We're um and it's I'm glad that I veered away from that because David has been
really intentional in pursuing me. We've been like he reaches out to me in text every pretty
much every day. We had our uh third face time last night and I feel like the attraction and
like connection and excitement is growing. So that's good because initially I just wasn't
I wasn't feeling as excited but I I think that's growing and I felt like he looked cuter to me
like the third time. So I'm like I I'm yeah getting more excited and I just feel like
it was fun talking and we connect on a lot of things. Um he's very spiritual and emotionally
mature and um we ended up talking about like he's supposed to like he he had some Thai food and like
we we both found out that we we both love Penang curry and basically he said like I needed to try
the Penang curry over there or like he he went to a restaurant with his parents was like I'll have
to try it out sometime and then like I mentioned the place here and he's gonna like he said he
wanted to try it out. So basically like you know we're hinting at visiting each other um and he
had mentioned it before but nothing had been solidified yet and so I wanted to try to bring
it up in a way that like wasn't pressuring or anything but I I feel like it was good.
Like I eventually was like so when are you coming and um he's like I'm trying to come that same
weekend in July. He's just trying to cross all his t's and dot all his i's or whatever. I was like
okay cool um and I also had some some doubts recently just because of like I started to think
through a couple of I have a couple like questions or things that I feel like would be helpful to
work through. One thought about like our like careers like we're kind of just in different
places. I'm like pretty solid and or like um established in my career as a PT and um just
like stable pretty much like financially and like um I was talking to a friend out how he's a sub
teacher right now and like nothing against that but it just didn't sound as stable like as like
or just like sustainable long term like as a 36 year old you know and so I'm like
how do I you know kind of talk about that without grilling him on some of that stuff and so
I did ask him some and I feel like it was good like it does sound like he's really responsible
and it is a transition thing for him he's wanting to do music therapy and stuff and so
I feel like we did I I gathered that he's like somebody who's hard working and is like
working to provide it's just still kind of hard for me to navigate that part and I know you're
not supposed to talk too much about finances and stuff but it's still something to consider you
know with dating somebody like thinking I don't want to be like so how do you you know how do you
see yourself providing like like with a job like that you know in the future so that was one question
and then the other thing uh or just how to like navigate that and then the other thing um so he
ended up reaching out over text today and just checking in and then he said he'd been looking at
flights and basically um it's pretty expensive to try to fly that weekend um way more expensive
than he realized and then like he's going to Montana on a family reunion I'm going to Cancun
and so basically he said he he thinks that August he'll have to push it to August
And I was like, uh, I kind of felt like I know and I mentioned just the whole thing about they, you know
Encouraged six weeks and so that would push it to like more like ten weeks
I guess and so I tried to like encourage him and then he ended up like, you know, he understands where
The the reasoning behind it. He just feels like he doesn't want to pressure
He doesn't want to like just be pressured to make it work
and he also wants to spend quality time with me and I I get all that and I don't want him to like have to
Pay an arm and leg for the ticket
And so I honestly was disappointed like right before the call and I was like, oh man
And so I guess I I'm thinking through it
I told him I'd have to think about it and you know get back to him and he understands
I still feel like he's been really respectable respectful and intentional with me and pursuing me
And so I'm like, I don't feel like I should just let him, you know, maybe like
Not give him a chance, but it just still feels like a long way away. So yeah, what do you what do you think?
so
Yeah, so
You're gonna because y'all alone this is you're gonna talk more. Yeah, there's no way around that. Yeah
Number two is you need to FaceTime more than you text. Yeah, and we're trying to
Yeah, I think is if you you can help him pay for his ticket to get here
I think or he can help you pay for a ticket for you to come there
Well, I was thinking I was gonna go shortly after I thought I would be able to go in August
So like if he came in July he'd pay for that to go in August
But I agree with you ten weeks is a long way out. Yeah, and so
You know, this is gonna be
This is gonna be a big deal
Uh-huh this navigating of seeing each other, right?
And so that's a real conversation that y'all need to have because ten weeks out is a very long time making for you to invest
And at some point you're gonna start investing investing emotionally, right?
The conversation that you're gonna have about how he's gonna provide is when he asked you to go exclusive with him
yeah, yes when you start discussing things like I
Go exclusive and then when I go exclusive I am marriage minded and so yeah
Any man who wants a family has to be able to provide for their family?
And the discussion that you have in exclusivity
Yeah, things are gonna speed up for the way I communicate because that's all you're gonna have is communication. What's gonna speed up
I'm sorry. Oh like what the exclusivity thing not exclusively, but you're gonna talk about more
Talk about more and so you're gonna be talking and you're gonna be talking because there's all you gotta stop getting into getting and talking
Yeah, so you may get to that question beforehand. I don't know
Um, you don't have to you can wait until he X go exclusive and then it's time for those heavy hitter questions
Yeah, these weeks are a very long time. I know. Yeah
So if y'all could try to talk about that and figure out something else if you can and then I really want you guys to
Weigh out
Maybe say let's talk to each other for another two weeks and let's come back to the table and determine if this is something that we
Want to do because there's no reason no matter how great of a person you are how great of a person he is
long distance takes
investment and
You're gonna be investing your heart at some point in your emotions and that's gonna hurt
Right, and it's not gonna be worth it for either one of you guys to go down that road
Mm-hmm, right?
Yeah
So give it another couple of weeks see how you like each other and then revisit this question of how we're gonna see each other
back and forth
Yeah, cuz then it made me think like it's gonna be expensive, you know flying back and forth and just like that's just one ticket
You know and but at the same time I was you know, I feel like we had some cool
Discussions around finances like in a more light-hearted way just about like God providing in different ways
and so I think I was seeing his his wisdom and being able to like be you know wise with his finances to not pay for
The the big ticket and just wait a few weeks after and then I was trying to encourage him
But then it's like I kind of felt myself like you would talk to a little bit about the entitlement
I don't know if it was an entitled feeling or just like maybe this like I felt a little
maybe hard-headed like stubborn I was like trying to convince him and then I'm like, I I feel like I I
Want to let him lead and be a man, too
And I'm like part of me felt like I had to kind of
Bend a little bit like okay
He basically just said for me
August is better
and so I kind of feel like I already encouraged him and so I feel like I might be pushing it even too much if
I like try to
Talk about the six weeks thing again. I don't know
Well, the rule is you can talk about what you want to talk about
But what I'm telling you is you have to talk about what you want to talk about and talk about for you only
You need to say what's important to you and what it is that you want
If you don't agree to what he says, it's time for you to part ways make it
Yes
reason why you feel like you're overstepping boundaries because you're trying to get him to come over to what you're saying instead of
Stating what you want and that's it. Yeah, does that make sense?
Yeah, so when you try to get somebody to come over to your side
That's why you're starting to get confused and you feel like you're not allowing him to leave right now
You're stating this is what you desire either you you're gonna say well, let me he seems pretty nice
Let me ride this out. If that's the case, let it go and go with it. Yeah, don't come back three weeks later
If you coming back three weeks later, you can't come back and say you know what? I realized this won't work for me. Yeah
And it is just it won't work for me another thing I want to tell you, you know
Jackie teaches us when we're talking about long-distance relationships. We need to be prepared to help pay for travel
Megan he doesn't owe you a trip here without some you guys have to come together with your finances and help pay for travel
yeah, I mean I was open to doing things like like as far as helping find a place like to say or like
Helping with I could pick him up, you know, like he wouldn't have to get a rental car
So I don't know just certain things
It's a good way to offset it and financially how much a ticket cost jacket says you need to be prepared to pay half on flights
Uh-huh. That's how long-distance work because he's not up the street from you, right?
I guess I just I thought it could be like he pays one ticket. I pay the next ticket
What if the next what if you don't go to next time? Yeah
If y'all split up before the next time
Yeah
I'm telling you is I want you to get your mind in the right space about the sacrifices that are being made and
It would be ideal. He like why I gotta pay for all this. I'm gonna push it out more
He doesn't know you and so it's kind of like that's a pretty big investment
Yeah, I'm not pressuring you to offer something
But I am telling you those are the those are the rules around or boundaries that we sit around long-distance dating
It is expensive and that's why we say sit at the table and count up the cost for both of y'all. Yeah, right
because
Megan would you buy a ticket and go see him first and let the house be on you?
Yeah, I would because I mean I feel like
So far, he's really been
Like it's we've been really connecting to where I especially after the third the third one. I like last night
I was like, wow, I'm feeling a lot better and like more at peace about him
And so I would I think and I I was telling him
Let me look at the flights because I was like the price he said it just sounded like so high
I'm like, let me look and see what I can find. I don't know
Let Laurie Laurie, can you share with us Laurie? That's what I'm trying to tell you Laura
So she did a 3,000 mile long distance relationship. Can you share with us Laurie?
About that, yeah, it was
Yeah, it was very
It was very expensive
We I would say he definitely he probably paid for
75 to 80 percent of things. Oh, he were rich
He did well
Yeah
Yeah, so he did he did do a lot of it but you know, I think you know based on
Where I was at at the time and where he was at it's what made sense for us
But yeah
I think they're really the the thing that I would say that because I actually chose out of that relationship
I actually moved back to Michigan
for this relationship is is that I
That no, this is just my experience but this is just to be really honest because it's not like
You know, I didn't spend time with them day in and day out, right? This is a long-distance thing
and so it I had the opportunity I have the opportunity going forward, but I had the opportunity to get really real with myself and
You know because
patterns aren't being reinforced on a
consistent basis as far as
being with somebody day in and day out, so I
Have the opportunity to be really honest with myself and in a new relationship
early and
Basically, you know the things that
that I see that I like and and but be really honest about the things that I see that
That aren't a good alignment he's a delightful person but we had some things we're not spiritually aligned
that is the reason that we that I parted ways and I created fantasy because I wasn't
living in it day in and day out and I created fantasy over you know all the good things were
great and then fantasy over that because it wasn't like so in my face all the time
and so yeah but yeah it was expensive it was definitely expensive thousands of dollars
thank you for sharing Laurie and I'm so glad she said that Megan just to share what it's like
and I'm gonna move on because we're well over time but the guy dated three hours away it is
hard for me it's so hard I don't I don't know it's hard for me I'm used to seeing a person
a lot more and jobs just don't allow for that yeah I mean maybe I I don't know maybe I can
offer him like to split the ticket and see if what he thinks yeah but don't feel no no no please
don't take this as pressure I just want you to take a whole picture in and evaluate and do it
in another two weeks as you get to know him better do it another three weeks as you get to
know him better I'm just saying I want you I don't what I'm trying to do is I don't want you to
invest your heart and have not counted up the cost so here my heart that's what I'm saying to you so
if you feel like I keep throwing something like this I'm telling you right now only thing I keep
thinking in my head is your heart yeah your heart that's what's driving me right now I don't want
you to invest your heart because it is sure to come without counting up the cost as much as you
can first yeah take another three weeks don't be don't get anxious about it you're still getting
to know him just like you would be if somebody was up the street from you yeah this is literally
where you are you're just you're just a person up the street right now at the stage that you're in
yeah take another three weeks continue to get to know him FaceTime him you're either
gonna find out that he's worth it or that he's not yeah right okay thanks
you're welcome keep me updated will do all right Laurie
you were next oh yeah so I last week we talked about um whether or not to start dating because I
I have I am not working currently and um but I'm financially fine uh I think it's more like
not not having the vision for my life the direction for my life that would be the piece
that and I'm I'm doing wealth with God right now so the visioneering is coming and and actually
that was really helpful what you just said about if I could get if I could get free from exchanging
my talents for money I don't know what the end of I could have purpose what was the end of that
saying well you can invest more in your purpose like what you feel called to do so it stop
exchanging your time for money gives you time opportunity to be creative and to develop your
talents and your true purposes that will bring streams of income for you is that what you were
talking about yeah when we get really you take Jim Bakker's class with with God yes yeah yeah
yeah so so anyway I um I set up a a harmony profile and oh my gosh like yeah it was a lot
it was a lot for me emotionally just to open up the window and put pictures up write a bio
and now I'm talking with somebody and he lives he lives so I've only been on for
maybe two days and he messaged me yesterday and we and he lives like I don't know where he lives
but somewhere in this town and it's not big and um so yeah really totally not my type so like he's
like my so my my pre-heart healing type would be like it's always been like metrosexual really
polished executive that sort of but now like I'm looking at these profiles and I've always
I've always been drawn to like a really warm countenance and this guy's got the sweetest eyes
he's like he seems like a really strong christian like he's his eyes like reflect
a really soft gentle heart and um but he
He has a barn. And he does not have barn animals. But he fishes
and hunts. And he has he has a beard. He's a he's a really
manly man. I mean, he's manicured enough, but he's a
real manly man, like, so like the type that would swing
hammer and
um, and so it's just like, I just look at his like, yeah, I,
I definitely know that like, there's always been like this.
This look of more like, I've got this sort of pride sort of look
with the people I've gone out with. Yeah, self protected,
right? Yeah, this guy seems really sweet. So anyway, you
know, I was just really proud of myself when he he said things,
things that I've never heard before, like I've never dated
anybody who had a barn. And just like didn't, like just, and the
hunting and fishing just like, enjoyed it for why he likes it
the joy that it brings him and connecting to nature. And so
yeah, it was a really good experience. But I do. So the
reason I so I mean, I would like to just see where it goes. I'm
like, not. I don't didn't really feel like any real excitement
other than his eyes. His eyes are exciting. His eyes are
really sweet. So that was that's that's fun for me just such
soft, such soft eyes with the manliness. And he seems to I
think he's got like a decent stature. So yeah, the hunting
and fishing thing. I'm like, I don't even know what to do with
that. So yeah, so anyway, I'd like to just see where it goes
just for practice. But there's a guy that I that I just always
think of on my mind from ministry school from when I was
in California. And he's just, I, I don't know him. Well. He was
interested in one of my housemates when I was out there.
But she was, he's, I would say late 40s. So I'd say there's
probably seven years younger. And I can see by the things he
posts that we would have a lot in common. And my housemate was
like in her mid 30s. So she was like 10 years younger. So I just
kind of always was like, Oh, he likes to date younger gals. And
I think he's probably like 4849. I'm 55. So but I can see by his
posts that like we have an awful lot in common. And so I think
about possibly reaching out to him, but I'm not quite sure what
I would say. He's definitely acquaintance level. I mean, it
came by our house, but he was all into my housemate.
You know, you could message him and say, Hey, how's everything
been going?
Yeah, if that, I don't know if I know him well enough to, to even
Hey, this is Lori from ministry school. I hope you remember me.
How's everything going? Used to stop by a house when you were
digging on my housemate.
Oh, no, that he knows. He knows that what he knows who I am.
It's not. Oh, what are you saying? That's how you make his
acquaintance. You say, Hey, this is Lori. How's everything been
going?
That's you making his acquaintance.
Well, I looked at one of his I looked at one of his stories.
And I accidentally I have no idea. But accidentally. I
accidentally liked it with I don't even know how to find
this emoji. It was an emoji with fire in her eyes. And I'm like,
Oh my gosh, like, I didn't even know that I had done it until
he messaged me back. Like, I don't even know where to find
this.
What's that? What did he say back?
When did he see that?
You said you said until he messaged you back? What did he
say back?
Oh,
or did he just like during or did he just like your emoji?
Um, I don't remember. Let me see. Okay. I think he asked
where I was or how I was.
Oh, so what are you talking about? Lord? There you go.
Oh, I mean, I didn't think that meant anything. Okay. Um,
I said, Oops, I said I had no idea that I sent that fiery
eyed girl.
It was actually good practice for me to do something stupid
like that. And, and, and laugh hysterically and not be like so
upset with myself. I thought it was so funny, because it was so
embarrassing. And I mean, maybe I need to look into why I
thought that was so embarrassing. But
well, you were checking them out. Yeah, yeah, I got I got
caught. But he said something to you. But I said, I hope you I
said, Oh, I had no idea where that emoji came from. Oh, my. I
hope you're well. And they said doing great. Thanks still in
writing yourself. Yeah. And I said, Oh, great to hear. I'm
back in Michigan. Love living near the water again. And he
said, Oh, nice. Yeah. Well, you can pick up that was that on his
page or was it in messenger? This is in messenger. This was
back. Oh, yeah. Follow back up with them. What would I say
though? Hey, how's it going? How's everything going over
there ready? What kind of ministry have you been involved
in lately? Yeah, I'm in this. I'm in Jim Bakker's program. I
know you're familiar with the willful God has been amazing.
Why? Why would you? That feels like I'm beating around the
bush. What do you want to say? Marry me? No, Laura, you're
trying to hear me. Laurie, you are only engaging in
conversation. Okay, using yourself for being around a
bush when you're not being around a bush at all. You are
engaging in conversation. That's your motive to engage in
conversation. He's a single man. You're a single woman. So you're
like, you you're not interested in dating them because you
don't really know him. Right? Yeah. And so you're trying to
engage in conversation and just start talking to him. Because he
was your classmate. And say, Hey, hey, hey, check it out.
You have everything going over there reading what you've been
getting into. Right? You're going to use those words and
produces that tone is warm. And it's like a person I knew in
ministry school is talking to me. You're going to know after
you start conversating with him, if he's interested in war. Okay.
And he's going to reciprocate. It feels like you're up to
something but you're not. You're a single woman who sees a single
man. Tell me how it goes. You don't seem convinced.
Come on. I feel nervous. I know.
Go ahead, Felicia.
Lori, you're so cute. I wish I was as nervous as you.
We can we can switch accounts and help a sister out.
I know I would take some away for you been got married by
what's up, Felicia.
Okay, so I'm having fun as you say, and you know, everyone say
thank you not only to you, but the team, but you specifically
because I wouldn't get this far without you as bold as I am. So
this guy, I don't know, he, you know, he seems to be a great guy
but I'm like I said, I'm not a catch, not a catch person. So I
don't know if you asked me what, what do I like about him? I
don't know what I would tell you. I like the conversation. I
like how he initiate things to do like the movie date. That was
really good. I don't know because I've been away from
someone for so long. It really feels good or it really supposed
to feel so right. And then we have another date on Saturday
which is what dinner we just had dinner together on the phone. I
kind of like that. I don't know if that's true, but I kind of
like it because he initiate these things right and I didn't
have to do it because I'm always the one who initiate things. So
I like that. And also, you know, we just talk about like we're
kids. We talk about colors and just basic things, which is so
great. You're not digging into anything hard. He's a
conversational person. So it's great to talk to him. You know,
he asked me stuff I answer and if I don't feel like answer,
that's where my reserve would show up because they don't
understand because they're not in coaching. So they want to
answer. I'll be quiet because I start to learn how to do that.
Like, you know, way before I came to this group. So I would
just not have nothing to send out a smile. But he enjoyed that
he enjoyed the smile. So yeah, so we're doing we're talking and
I don't know. I don't want to miss the opportunity to talk to
other people. So I do want to up and check other people out. And
it feels great doing that.
Yeah, I think that's great. I think that's great.
that because I'm not, you know, I'm not feeling like this one guy is the one, I'm still checking
things out. So yeah, so we're having been over the phone, I kind of like that, like,
it's okay for that. I don't have to meet him right now. But I heard in my head said, you
know, two to three weeks, so I think we're working on them on the end of the month. And
the halfway thing, I didn't want to do it. I was thinking he should just do the three
hours, but he's three hours away. But then I said, you know, I thought about it. I said,
I could do that. I could do the investment by driving an hour or maybe an hour or an
hour and a half. So that's how it's going right now. The only thing is that because
he doesn't understand that he understands that I'm on, he knows I'm in coaching, but
he doesn't understand it. Like, why can't I answer for my but he's understanding a little
bit more now. When I said I don't want to answer that question right now. It's not the
time for that. You know, but he brought up the word exclusive. I was so shocked. I'm
like, what the heck you get this word from? He says, so when we get exclusive, then we
can talk about it. I said, Oh, you got the word. Well, I was kind of surprised he had
the word I really get this word from. Oh, you know, we're talking. He's very marriage
minded. I really, if you ask me one thing I like, he's very marriage minded. I really
like that. He shared his story when he started transforming what makes him, he asked me,
if I want to hear it. And I said, well, it depends on how deep it is. But it was a story
of how he came to the Lord through baptism and he shared that. And that was it. But he's
very respectful. Like, okay. I, one more boundary I did in the beginning. Like I said, I would
like for you to kind of check with me if I'm able and if I'm available to talk and he never
violated that. He always make sure he said, are you available? You know, so stuff, but
he's very, you know, respectful, like you said, but he looked like, he seemed like he
would want to attach and that's kind of scary.
Yeah. Don't be concerned about his attachment. Be concerned about your ability to set boundaries
well. It doesn't matter if he attaches. You set boundaries for you. Everything else is
his problem. Right? He learned relationship that way. You don't have to, it could make
you want to put on some running shoes and run, but you're in control. You're in control
of you. And that's the only person you need to be in control of. And you get to set
boundaries. And so if you feel them being more clingy than you enjoy, then you just find a way
to set a very kind boundary. Meaning it's a soft answer. It's a soft response. You know, you
don't have to say, I noticed that you're in a niche now, you need to get back. You could just
say, Hey, um, I noticed that let's say he starts calling a lot. This is just an example,
whether he does or not, just an example. Um, he called third time that day, you talk the next
day, he calls say, Hey, not going to be, um, as able to talk as much as I was yesterday. And
then you just slowly wean him down to how much time you want. Does that make sense? And so
his natural inclination is to cling. And you realize that he's clingy, but you do what's
best for you. He will pick up on your rhythm. And then the point, if it gets to where you
feel suffocated, say, wow, we are, we've learned how to do relationship a lot different. I'm
starting to feel a bit suffocated. So this is what I'm going to do. These are the things
that I believe served me best. Let's minimize our phone calls. So about three to four times a
week, I enjoy talking to you, but I need a little more space to myself. You see? Oh, yeah,
I do that. Do you understand what I'm saying? Felicia? Yes. Yes. Yes. Um, yeah. If I had to be
completely, you know, Oh, Laura went, so we went so far. It's okay. If I had to be completely
honest with you, um, the guy that I really like and date, he's very anxiously attached and I can
recognize his attachment style, but because I have the ability and I'm aware and I recognize
his attachment style, I just made sure I did things to keep him back off of me. He probably
doesn't even know what's happening, but I just, I just navigate where I can see that he's just,
that's his attachment style. I don't hold it against him because I make decisions for my life.
And so he doesn't try to, he could smother me. He don't even know. He don't know what he's doing. I
used to be anxiously attached and I had to grow and learn and all these things. And so you're in
control. Yeah. What do you think about the date initiated, like initiating the date, like the
movie one, the dinner one?
That was cute going to the movies at home.
You're doing your movie day at home.
He's doing his movie day.
And I think that you going halfway is a really good thing.
The reason why I like it, and I have to tell you,
people answer based on how they process inwardly.
And I'm saying this so you can hear.
I have to always, I am bent toward this belief
that if you do too much for me, I owe you something,
especially when it comes to men.
And so to offset that, if somebody lives far away,
I just try to meet them halfway, unless they
insist that they come all the way.
Now, I'm not going to try to pick up a bill at the table.
I've trained myself out of all of those things.
I'm not going to do that.
I've trained myself to let a person lead.
It took growth, but this is coming
from a girl who had daddy issues.
It's coming from a girl who's had a lot of trauma
as a little girl with men.
So that means that I had to do some working to get me there.
But I'm like, hey, you're driving from a distance.
I'm trying to go a distance.
I don't want you to feel that maybe I possibly
could possibly owe you a little bit more than I should.
This is a running thing inside of me
that I have to keep bending the other way.
And so it is my inclination to meet halfway,
unless, like the person I'm dating said,
you're not meeting me anywhere.
I'm coming to you because I come to pursue you.
That's just the way it works.
He's very masculine, very, very masculine.
And so he came six hours
and he wouldn't have it any other way.
So, you know.
Okay, thank you so much.
You're welcome.
Kelly, you're going to have to post on the wall
because I'm well over my time
and I would want to hear what you have to say so badly.
I really, really do.
But I can't, but it's okay.
Can you post it on the wall for me?
Huh?
Yeah.
What's that, Kelly?
On the wall or in the-
I'm in community, put it on the coach tab, sorry.
Okay, okay.
Okay.
But real quick, do you post our videos,
our records, these to the-
They don't repost eight o'clock.
They don't not repost.
They don't post eight o'clock videos.
They only post 1 p.m.
Kelly, you went out.
Can you hear me?
Nah, I can hear you say, can you hear me?
Yes.
On a reference later.
Kelly, I heard something about a reference later.
Yes, your advice.
Oh, if you remember to like put on, coach,
put, send a message.
I mean, you know, post on the wall, just say,
you don't have to be exact,
just say advice about running across the line.
Anything, whatever little phrase you remember
and I'll try to piggyback after that.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
I wish they would post your group
because I feel like I would like to go back
and reference it because it's so good.
I know, I'm so sorry, Kelly.
I know.
It's okay, it's okay.
I'll post in the coaches area about my question.
Okay, sounds good.
Ladies, you guys have a good night.
I enjoyed you.
I'm sorry for keeping you way past time.
Have a good night.
We'll see you soon.
Okay.
Good to see you Lauren.
Bye y'all.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
Have a good night.
Thank you.
Bye, good night.
Bye.