How many, how many of you guys is your first time here?
First time in a coaching session with me?
All right, all right, all right.
Mandy and Elaine, I thought so, and Christina and Jean.
Marla, you won't be on camera, okay, okay.
All right, well, welcome.
Is this your first, you just come over to phase two as well?
Yeah, cool.
Well, welcome to phase two.
We're so excited that we get to do this journey with you,
that we get to be a part of your God love story.
Yes, it's very exciting for us.
I'm Ebony, as you can see on the screen.
I live in Austin, Texas.
I was in the program, I keep saying three years.
If the year change again, it's gonna be four years.
I was in the program about three years ago.
I got to see a lot of love stories.
I'm convinced that God's way is an amazing way.
Got to grow a whole lot.
I know your journey.
I know the bumps, the kinks, the twists, the turns.
I tell the ladies all the time, this is the truth.
Though all of us are different, we're all mostly the same.
There's not been one topic somebody could not relate to.
That's why women can band together.
Like if you're dating some woman's brother
and he does you wrong,
everybody band up against the brother.
Like you will turn on your brother for another woman
because you're wrong for that
because we could feel each other.
We know.
And so there's no question you can't X here.
Hey, Shante, is this your first time, Shante?
Yes, it is.
Yes, well, welcome, welcome, welcome.
So there's nothing, this coaching at night,
whether you come at one o'clock or eight o'clock,
it's all about you.
It's not just about if you're dating somebody.
It's all about you because you've done the hard work.
And now we're in this phase where you get to date.
But the thing about it is this is the phase
where you build capacity for your love story.
Why?
Because nobody triggers you like a man would trigger you.
It's something about when we open up our heart
to let someone into those spaces,
those spaces that may have been hurt by a father,
those spaces that may have been hurt by men
that came before.
Those spaces, those sweet, gentle,
sometimes ravenous places that are angry,
like all of those little nuances about our hearts,
we get triggered.
But you're also gonna be triggered
in other relationships as well.
So we say, bring it out.
It's so good to see you tonight, Julia.
And so go ahead, you were gonna say something?
Oh, no, hi, yes, good to see you too.
Hey, I know it's a big sacrifice
for you to be here at eight o'clock.
So it's so good to see you.
And anybody else is just a sacrifice.
I just know that she has little ones.
So it's not like, oh, y'all are not sacrifices.
I know that she usually goes to the one o'clock.
So that's all I'm saying.
So anyway, bring it all.
We're here to process with you
and to hear what everybody else has going on
because if they have it going on one day,
you're gonna have it going on.
We can all learn from each other.
So let me speed up.
Be sure to watch one video a week.
You do not have to have watched a video
to come to coaching.
We're gonna touch on some topics
we pull from the community.
So what we see a lot of women are struggling with,
we just pull that in and we do a quick teaching on it.
No matter what it could be,
we want to address what's going on.
And so if you posted something
and we see that a lot of other ladies in the community
are also dealing with that,
then we're gonna talk about it
because that means we all need some help in it.
And yeah, one video a week.
And after you've been with us for about six or seven weeks
and you feel like you're ready to move over
to your last year of single
or what we would call phase three,
all you have to do is send an email
to admin at JackieDorman.com.
I think that's what it is.
If that's not what it is, I'll tell you what it is again.
And you just ask to be moved to the next phase.
Although you're gonna really like this phase a lot.
It's gonna be very hard to leave us,
but it's okay.
Phase three is awesome.
All right, any questions for me?
Those of you, this is your first time?
First time questions, any like,
nervousness, anything?
Okay, if you think of something,
you can put it in the chat or raise your hand.
All right, I hope you guys had a good week.
Did anyone do any of the activations this week
or continue in an activation?
Continuing any activations that Jackie
may have given you guys on Supernatural Saturday?
Nikki, you about to say something?
I saw Julia's hand was up.
I didn't know if you saw her avatar hand.
I saw her hand, but Julia's, this is not her first time.
So I was thinking she was gonna share.
Oh, oh my bad, I'm sorry.
I didn't know if you noticed.
No, no, that was very kind of you, Nikki.
I don't mind you doing that at all.
Not at all, yeah.
Thank you.
We want you guys, let's see, this is the activation.
I'm looking down at my phone, so that's what I'm doing.
I have my stuff printed out.
And I wanna see what our activation for us.
And so for my new ladies that's coming,
there's always an activation that we do.
Say, hey, go out this week and do this.
So sometimes we may say,
because men know you're interested when you're smiling,
when you go out, keep a permanent smile on your face.
And when he looks at you to make eye contact,
don't turn your head as quickly as you can.
You need to make eye contact
because you are now available, right?
And so you'll get some help practicing that.
Or we may say, practice your femininity.
Allow men to do something for you,
like open the door for you or keep groceries.
Sometimes we may say, let's do an activation
where you actually wear a dress.
Sometimes some women are like, I am not wearing a dress,
but you'll be amazed what turns on
when you put on a really cute dress.
You feel a lot more feminine.
And so this week's activation is gonna be,
listen to Supernatural Saturday
and revisit your Jesus Cares Board.
Who still has their Jesus Cares Board?
Yeah, I really like my Jesus Cares Board.
I have a Jesus Cares Board no matter where I am.
Revisit it, and if there are any cares that you have,
you need to, give me one second,
my computer wants to do an update and I need to stop it.
Okay.
Hey, buddy.
I'm still here.
I need to schedule this restart before it shuts down on me.
I'm back.
You wanna come?
You wanna come in my lap?
Oh, there's somebody else talking.
Okay.
All right.
So we're going to revisit your Jesus Cares Board.
Is there anything you need to toss on there?
Now's gonna be a time to do it.
On Supernatural Saturday, Jackie said,
think about all the things
that are living in your head rent-free.
Maybe it's a timeline.
I should have been married by now.
How long, I mean, this should have happened.
I want children.
I want a family.
I mean, how, I mean, I just,
I need to get this done with, right?
That type of stuff that's living in your head rent-free.
There could be other things that you're concerned about.
If you have children,
there could be a concern that you have about your child
that only Jesus can handle.
Only the Lord can do.
It could be a sickness with your parents.
It could be anything that's happening in your world
that you are worried.
It is running over and over.
Oh, if y'all are like me,
I have to really break my thought pattern
because I will keep meditating on the same thing.
Oh, I create a whole story about it.
And so women tend to do that.
Why didn't he answer the phone when I called?
Last time he answered the phone,
he used to answer the phone.
We used to talk all day long.
Oh, he must be on the dating site.
I wouldn't be talking to anybody else.
All these different thoughts
that keep going through our mind over and over.
Any of those thoughts,
we want to toss them onto the Jesus Cares Board this week.
Look for them, hunt those thoughts down
because I'm telling you,
it's some stuff rolling over in your head
that you have no control over,
but the Father has absolute control over.
And if you got to put your whole self
on your Jesus Cares Board,
put you on there and give him,
the Bible says to cast all of your cares upon me
because I care for you.
That's what Jesus said to do.
And we want you guys to practice it.
Sounds good?
Sounds good to me too.
Okay.
So,
let's go into questions.
Okay.
Go for it, Julie.
And you just raise your hand
with any scenarios that you have that you want to share.
We usually run out of time
and I don't like running out of time anymore.
Okay.
Go for it, Julia.
All right.
Well, so I actually was pretty surprised.
I have a friend that just is a really,
they're really good friends.
I don't, I'm not sure how spiritual they are,
but they're really good friends.
And they're like,
we have this guy that we want you to meet.
And so I finally,
I've been talking to him for probably a month,
just not much.
Just, you know, I talked to him on the phone once
and we set up a time that we were gonna,
the time period that we were gonna meet up.
And just on like maybe once a week,
he sent me a text just like,
hey, how's it going?
But anyway, I was actually really surprised
that when I sat down with him,
like it was like,
I didn't cry.
Like he was genuinely just a mature person.
Well, so anyway,
I just wanted a little bit of guidance
because he does.
travel for work right now. So like, I'm not, I'm not seeing
him regularly, if that makes sense. Like, he's like, I'll be
back in town in a month, we can maybe touch base at that time,
whatever. I'm just kind of wondering, as far as guidance
goes, what when you're long distance like that, like, how
often should we be talking, you know, like, I actually reached
out to him and like, he's like, you know, I'm so glad you
reached out because I didn't know how you felt. Like, he
didn't, he's like, I'm really bad at reading things. So I'm
really glad that, you know, you reached out or whatever. So I
just don't know what's like, what's appropriate. And I don't
want to go more in depth than needs to, you know what I mean?
Because I don't know him well yet, you know, talked once,
like, so, yeah.
Yeah, I think that this is definitely going to be
challenging to navigate. If you're saying that for an
entire month, and you'll see him again. And so that means
that it's going to require you to talk to him a lot more.
I know. Well, he wants to.
I mean, and we don't talk to each other. Like, I'm just
talking to him about what he's doing for his job. He got laid
off last year. And so took just kind of a different job. Now
he's traveling for a guy working for a guy as a mechanic. And he
travels all over to do that. But anyway, yeah, I just, I don't
like I don't want to get too attached either. You know how we
are, like, the more we talk, and I'm like, I don't know enough
about him to like, you know, but I guess this is how I get to
know, right? I just, how are you? What are you doing? Or like,
you know, just explain to me kind of what what he's doing.
And yeah, I don't know.
What is what is home for him? Is it in your town?
It's like an hour. So he actually sold his house. And
when he took this job, he signed on for a year. It's a year
contract. He lives with his brother when he's is home. Right
now. Yeah. So like, that's another thing. Like he, he loves
kit, like he loves kids. He's mature. He's his kids are grown.
They're out of the house now. Like, so that's why he's like,
you know what, I'm just gonna do this. I he had a 15 year job at
this manufacturing place. And they laid off 300 people. So
he's like, you know what, I'm just gonna do this. So yeah. But
anyway, so what's I mean, I don't know, we'll have to get to
know each other a little bit more. But I was actually kind of
amazed at like, just the kind of person he is. He was, I guess he
was a supervisor, like at his job. So he's really good with
people. And he's really got like a calm demeanor. And I just, I
don't know how deep his faith is. But again, like, when do I
start talking to him about that? I don't want to get too deep and
and find out that there's nothing there. You know what I
mean?
Well, so that's what I was gonna say to you. First, my question
is to you, do you want to invest in this? Just tell me you're not
don't think about, well, if he's a great guy, just after that,
yes or no?
Yeah, I mean, I want to get to know him more. I want to get to
know him more to see where things are. But at the same
time, you know how it is, you're like, I don't want to waste my
time. Because that's a non negotiable, right? That, like
well, I'm gonna, I'm gonna tell you this. So if you want to get
to know him, you want to get to know him. And I want to say this
you guys. You know, we have our anthem ladies that we don't
want to waste our time. But you cannot predict the future. We
all have this like, I don't want to get to liking you and then
Oh, you're it's not it. It's not gonna work. You're probably
gonna have a lot of those. Because you're dating and you're
getting to know people. And I know that feels super scary. But
it's just a part of the process. Every lady on here by actually
to raise your hand, you're gonna say I want me an Amazon man sit
to my door with a stamp on from the Lord that says he's the one
none of us get that you may hear a few stories here and there.
You know, you hear those supernatural stories and you
just want that one to be yours. It's true. I get it. But for the
majority, you date and you spend time and so then that comes to
this and I just want to take a little more time to unpack this.
How do you protect your heart in the process? You protect your
heart in the process by following the boundaries that
we've suggested to you. Meaning you don't get start sharing
emotional things that you don't do any physical touching. It
matters you guys. It matters when you kiss somebody. It
matters when you start being real touchy. Because I'm telling
you at the end of that month or the second month and you've gone
into la la land skipping on the clouds about this man in the
ends, your heart is going to be hurt more when you cross
physical boundaries. It's just something that connects you with
the man it blinds you. You can't see things. This is science. It's
not just
The what Jackie said it's a real thing
And so if you want to guard I say you're gonna take the journey guard your heart in the process
None of us are
Just that deep
None of us. It's not true either
You don't understand that you don't spill your pearl before swine because they will trample over it
You don't understand that when you sit down and you say well, I just I just go deep I just talk no you just are lack-wisdom
Because you don't take all of the good that you have and lay it out on the table to a stranger
You go to the community the people, you know
Who honor you who value you and you share your wisdom in your pearls with people who love you?
Not with strangers
You don't know this person
And they haven't got a chance to even know you to value you to honor you
Do you get what I'm saying? And so that's why we learn how to have healthy connections through healthy
Communication that says I am NOT gonna do devotional with you
I'm not gonna pray with you because I know that
Spiritual can make you think you know a person more than you do and you don't know them
We are fruit inspectors that means observe your behavior
So if you say you're generous, I'll be able to tell if you're generous give me a month's time
If you love God so much, I'm gonna find out if you love God so much
Because I'm gonna find out by the way you honor my body
I'm gonna find out even when I push on you and want to kiss and I want to do things more
You're gonna say no, I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that
I'm gonna find out even when I push on you and want to kiss and I want to do things more
You're gonna say no, I honor my God. You won't be controlled by my lack of discipline. I will know if you love God so much
And it's gonna come out and more than your words and so when we guard ourselves and we come in with the plan
When you get to that two-month time that you took investing in this because you felt like he was worth investment
And it's nothing wrong with seeing a man and saying you know what?
I think I'll take this a little further and that's the yes till it's a no
And so now we arrived to what Julia is
It's a yes until it's a no and so now she's saying yes until she gets to a no
And so what I say to you Julie, you have to be very intentional in your conversations with him
Because when we all we have is a phone
That's all we have are the voices you start talking you have to talk more than you would if you were meeting up for a date
once a week
so now the
The temptation or the ease of over talking happens without can do it without your permission
Like you wouldn't be intentionally doing so what I do Julia and what I would encourage everybody to do
I plan my conversations. You're gonna like well who could do that? I plan in my head
That there are certain questions. I'm just not gonna ask because I know what they produce
There are certain things about my life, I'm just not gonna share because I know what it produces
Right
so, um
You have to just be real strategic and even when you see a conversation not be afraid go into it. Enjoy yourself
But when you see your conversation take a shift
You just find a way to shift it back around or say you know what?
I really didn't want to talk about this this soon
Thank you for sharing about your ex or whatever you felt safe enough to do that with me
But this is just not a conversation. I'm ready to have right now
Just simple lines like that
And you know when you do that it helps you determine if a person can honor boundaries
And so a lot of times you think well, I don't want to waste my time but you got to practice setting a boundary
you got to practice observing a person's behavior, particularly a man to see if he honors your boundaries and
So some men I know they don't say they're easier to practice with
It's a lower stake like see yourself in a low stakes dating situation right now
You're in complete control
You've gone through the hard work. You have a coach on your team
You're gonna win no matter what and you can always block them
And
The more you see yourself with an advantage
The better you do in a relationship instead of I hope I don't mess up and I know it
I know what you think cuz I've been there like I hope I don't miss okay
They said don't do this. Don't do this. Don't do this and I am a talker
So I'll be like what she mean this is who I am
But I had to learn that there are healthy ways to make a connection and then they're unhealthy ways to make a connection
All right, so you wouldn't walk up to somebody if you're a local grocery store
Don't kiss them in their mouth with you
But would you go out on a date with a man have dinner one night and he walks you to the car you kiss him
And you call it sweet
Something's a little off with it. That's the man from a TV. That's the man from the grocery store
And you cuz you broke bread with him now, you know
Right, so all of those things so that's what I'm saying Julia, I think if you're interested you think he's interesting
I think that you should go for and I just think that you should just be real intentional in your conversations
I would even write down questions
Like question starters to talk about and you can say it like I wrote down these questions that we can get to know each other
Oh, that's so sweet. Maybe I'm saving kissing for my wedding day. You go girl
I'm in the saving kissing for my wedding day club, too. So you are not alone
Yeah, yeah kissing has always gotten Ebony in trouble so I have to do what this serves me
It has never paid out for me. Well it oh
Different I think we actually get a
hormone release what we do I
The woman releases it when she keep had it feel and feel it feels so good
Yeah, but it's not you're right, right I guess I guess I have to be really care like I just have to be more cautious
Um, and that was another question. I had like how
Cuz I met him once right we talked for an hour
I said I enjoyed my time, you know
We should try to get to know each other better and he just he just took my hands and he's like wow you got dirt
Under your nails like pull them back. I was like, yeah
I've been working today
But that kind of made me nerve like I'm just not used to that. I don't know why I had that reaction, but
anyway
Go ahead. Yeah, it could be a good conversation topic. You can say what made you notice my nails
He's like don't apologize I like dirt under your nails, that's what he said so but but anyway, yeah
Okay, go for it and keep us updated and you know, it helps to talk to the second person too, yes
Yes now so thank you because I had written about those things and I I'm just nervous because I just didn't know how to
Navigate it. So thank you. You're welcome
You're welcome
All right, Karen
Hello Ebony hi guys, um, I wanted to let you know that I will be moving into phase three
And I know I really I really wish I could stay I would probably stay a very very long time here
But I have not had any dates
I've had one date. I'm sorry. I've had one date
but one of the things I wanted to share was that I learned so much and just being here and
so one of the things as a people pleaser was I finally have started to learn exactly what I need and to be able to
Articulate what I need
Especially with some of the connections who have not panned out or have wanted to keep me on the line
Totally texting forever in a day and they want to be 10,000
I never really was able to convert it into a date with the exception of that one
But I really know that it's so valuable to be here and the other thing I also noticed was every connection
I made brought different parts of me out or highlighted different parts of who I was
So the conversations are so different
so I felt like my experience in phase two introduced me more to who God created me to be and
Who the the parts of myself and I will even say the parts of myself that are pretty cool
The parts of myself that are quirky and cool and you know what? I mean? And yes, I've noticed my little quirks, too
But it's all been just a really wonderful experience. I'm gonna miss everybody so much. I really am
I'm gonna cry, but I really do feel like God is saying it's time to move on
Yeah
We love you, Karen
Thank you so much for sharing and so much we we appreciate all of the wisdom and the energy and the support that you brought
To the tribe in this phase and so we're happy for you. I love you guys so much
I promise you if you guys have my number, please text me. I will even put it in the chat again. So please text me
Yeah
Yeah, okay, I'm gonna put I'm gonna put my number in so you guys yes me please please text me all of you
text me all of us text her get that number all right karishma can i get it right again yeah karishma
hi ebony hey so i have a lot go for it i grew up in a different faith um i
got saved 10 years ago uh the faith and the religion i grew up in um you know marriage
is spoken about since the time you are a child um and as you go to your um you know and parents
start arranging marriages at an early age and when i got to that point of 17 18 years old it was
like already there was like this um you start dating people in your prayer hall and parents
are involved right so it made dating and meeting people safe um and kind of easy because your
parent like you know you were you were in safe zones because your parents were involved and
his parents were involved so it was um i was engaged um early in my 20s it it didn't uh work
out um and then a few years later i got saved and i uh started going to church and i was like
oh my gosh the guys in church are so different than from the faith and the religion i grew up in
it's a different mindset um christianity um i'm sorry but like i just felt like christian men
were very passive um and not marriage focused uh not protectors didn't worry about providing
where i grew up in a faith where the man is called to provide and protect that's all you're taught
um and i grew up with a father that was like that so for me it was a huge culture shock um
going to church um so i started online dating um and i would uh just attract the wrong type of
person um it would either be i need a strong man because i have uh control issues and i've always
kind of uh been in charge of my household of my parents and things like that so i needed i want i
want a man that's that's going to put me in my place if i could just say that right um not be
afraid to say no to me or make decisions or um more like a partner than a passive person
um so i did meet somebody that's been in and out of my life for 10 years he's a pastor
um and but he believed in having sex and doing those other worldly things and um he would come
in and out and i finally just blocked him i said this this doesn't line up with the word of god i
i'm choosing to say celibate you know till i get married and he just didn't understand that
but he popped in and out and for a little while it would feel good because you know the
the love bombing would you know just feel good um and then i you know i would go on and off
online dating and attract more guys that knew their word which i find very attractive i love
studying the word together and the man leading bible studies and stuff but then they would believe
in it was like a half in half out but they would believe in physical intimacy and things like that
um and otherwise i would attract passive guys where i would lead the bible studies and they
would not want to you know they would want to have they would want to wait until marriage for
those intimate um things uh but it was just like i can't like i was i was pulling a load behind me
like i was leading and it was just not fun so um
vacuum in the dating 101 and she's like these are the things you don't talk about on the first date
or the second date i'm like i did all of those things like because i had that mindset from my
my former faith that you date to get married so you just vomit everything right to the other person
the family just vomits everything that everybody knows everybody so when i was going on these dates
it was just the first date like that person just i was just throwing my pearls to swine like you
just said um and you know two weeks ago you had said something and i was like i can't believe she
said that but i'm like she's so right you said um you know just because a person speaks that
they're a christian or they know certain verses that does not make them a christian so um you know
give other men chances because sometimes guys won't talk about their spirituality so quick on a
date or in the courting season so my thing is um you know every time we talk i i admire the
all the women that are going online and dating like what sites are they going
because I don't want to go on match. I've been there, done that. I don't want to do
e-harmony. You've been there, done that. Like, you know, I'm in my 40s. Like, what site do I go on,
which is safe? And then, like, how do I do this? Like, because I have such a bad taste and I've
attracted, I've attracted the wrong, it's like the opposite spectrum, right? Like, I haven't
met a balanced Christian man. And I remember telling my Christian friends, I'm like, man,
I want to go back to my former faith because the men were so balanced. And I know I can't date that
faith, that religion. So it's just very difficult. Like, it has been very difficult as a Christian.
And, you know, my mom looks at me and she's like, why? Like, you know, and I, she's met one or two
of the guys I've dated that I kind of got serious with or like dated for 10 months. And then I'm
like, oh, he's not the one. And my mom's like, what's up with these Christian men? And, you know,
she's already against my change, right? My encounter with Jesus and following Christianity
because she believes, you know, she's a different faith. And she's like, why don't you just go back?
Just go back. And that's a fight. That's a spiritual fight. I fight on a daily basis.
But it's like, how do I go back online? Because I've had such a bad experience.
I'm learning from you and the videos of what to say, what not to say, what to do, what not to do.
But still, like, it just, I'm like, I don't, it's tiring. Like, you know, on the second day,
the guy wants to get married. And it's like, like, I just want a balanced person. And yeah,
I'm waiting for that Amazon package that says he's the one. I'm not going to lie to you,
because I've dated a lot of Christian men. And I'm like, I don't. And the only reason
I'm doing this Ebony is I lost my father earlier this year. And his one dream was
to see me get married to have a man in my life that was that would protect and provide for me.
And the day I signed up for part work, he passed away the next day, back in January. So I took a,
you know, I took a six months or five month fault. And I got an email saying, you know,
you paid for it? Are you know, are we gonna activate your account? And my friends are like,
just just do it. You need you know, you need this right now. So that's why I am here. But now I'm
on phase two. And I'm like, I don't want to go through that circus. And it's it's a shame that
I'm calling it a circus. But but that's the experience I've had, you know, like, just
toxic guys want to get married on the second date when I have sex or don't want to leave.
Yeah. So yeah, where do I go from here? Well, thank you for sharing. That was really insightful.
And I'm so sorry for about your father. I want you to know that. Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna I'm gonna
share with you, but then I want to pray with you. Um, so I could only imagine coming from your
culture to this westernized culture. And even if we had to break it down according to religion,
right, um, it is a lot different. So I have friends who, well, one of my students talked
about the way the way they get married, I think they're from not Iran, but another country over
there. So he told me about when his mom and dad got married, he said, you sit down and the other
person tell the other person everything about their life, that you don't date on your lawn,
you have your family with you, you the courting process is not that long, because you don't need
all that time, y'all agreed, the parents agreed that this is going to be good. And they get married
in the man there, that is their number one priority, like we're going to provide you take
them from their father, then your responsibilities now provide and take care of them. And that is
what every woman desires. And I believe that's the way that has been designed. I feel like when
the father says if I give remove my name to give you give her you take her she gets your name now,
that means you're gonna do what I did, right? Because now she has your name, that means that
she's yours. And then you should care for her. I gotta know that when I pass her off to you,
you're doing even better than I did, because you she has your name now.
I think that's so deep, because my parents were arranged, and they were married for 45 years.
Right now, my middle name, I don't get to pick. So my middle name is my dad's first name, I'm still
under his covering. Oh, wow. So when I get married, I take over my husband's first name,
because now he's my covering. So like, you know, in the in the in the Western culture,
culture, you get to pick your middle name. In the religion I came from, no, it's either your
father's or your husband's for the girl. Whoever's covering Yes, is your middle name. So there's a
lot of
significance in that right yeah it is and just to make it clear i i grew up as a muslim
um i am from india but i grew up as a shia muslim and you know there's a lot of significance to
marriage which i feel like um the western church does not carry yeah yeah um so i hear you on that
and that is an interesting place to be and i've never had this uh scenario before and so i'm just
eating it up and uh and i hear your heart in the matter and i would be amissed if i didn't speak
into this for you because the bible says that in christ jesus we become new creations and i know
if you've gotten a lot of bad examples from humans who have brokenness and trauma and wounds
but i want you to know it's not a reflection of your savior and your savior designed marriage
no matter what cultures it go it is in whether they do it this way over here they do it this
way over here he designed marriage and now you're in partnership with the designer of marriage
and you and what you what you said by showing up is god i want to do it your way
i know my culture has the way and i like it and i'm in this western church and i don't like the
way these men are and they're not meeting the mark but jesus set the mark jesus set the standard and
he is the he is the source of all things and so that means that he has something that looks like
him that talks like him that walks like him how do i know because when we came into christ we
became new creations just like you are a new creation and you are a new creation that also
walks in weaknesses and what the lord does in his wisdom he takes a man and he partners with the
woman and we meet the need of the other so one has a weakness the other has a strength one has a
strength the other has a weakness and he brings us together because the bible says that marriage
is a reflection of what we get with the bride and where the bridegroom it is a physical it
is his way of maturing us it's his way of sharpening us and so in the process there
gonna be a lot of people that you have to pass up because guess what
we after you get to a certain level of understanding and knowledge of what god
wants to do every man don't fit the bill and you're gonna pass up more than you get to select
because it only takes one and i just want to speak that over your heart because now you're in the
partner you're in partnership with the one who designed marriage that when adam went to sleep
and woke up he looked at eve and he said i know you you are bone of my bone you are flesh of my
flesh he called that woman his wife because that's the god we serve and so this is the thing
when we want god's results we have to do god's process
and we may get tired and we may know a shortcut and we may know another way and we may know the
way they do it over there but when we come in partnership with him he says it's my way
and my way yields the best and highest results my way does will you walk with me and take my way
and this is me speaking over your soul this is me speaking over your heart i'm washing you
in the word because the lord wants you to be washed in his word he wants you to know that
you're in partnership with the one who designed marriage and he says i really feel this word for
you christian he says when he gets done with you you're gonna look at the way your culture did and
you're gonna say it doesn't come close to what my god designed he says when he gets done with you
you're gonna know that he is the lord who established marriage in the earth and nobody
can do it like he can and so i want to encourage you not because you you look like you're not going
it's it's not i'm not it's like this is an encourage i just the lord just really wants
to wash over you with this truth he says don't be dismayed by the things that you see
because when the best comes you're gonna realize the rest just wouldn't do
you're gonna realize what you set up for was nowhere near close to what he had in store for you
and so i want to say that to you and i want to tell you that i'm excited for you the lord had
to teach me this he said if you want my results you have to do it my way and we said well i'm
signed up he said well come on let me get you ready let me sharpen you let me tie up the loose
ends and i'm gonna leave some places vulnerable and open because you're gonna see what it's like
for me
to come in your life and say, I love you even though you're controlling. And guess what,
Chris? He said, I'm not going to rule over you. I'm going to be humble and gentle so that you
can let the Lord rule over your mouth. You can let the Lord rule over the way you want to take
over. You're going to submit yourself to God. I don't believe the Lord wants to bring a man to
rule over you and to put you under submission. Jesus wants you to come under submission because
of who he is in your life. All of that Jesus living on the inside of you wants to practice
patience. All of that Jesus living on the inside of you wants to have self-discipline over your
tongue. All of that Jesus on the inside of you wants you to throw yourself down on the
altar of the Lord and humble yourself and say, I am broken, but if you will live through me,
I will be able to do this. That's what Jesus wants for you. He doesn't want a man to rule over you.
He wants to be the ruler of your life. And because he says, so you're going to close your
mouth because he says, so you're not going to run over that man because Jesus said so,
because he says, so you're going to forgive him because he says, so you're going to show mercy
because he said, so that's the woman that you're going to be. You're going to be the woman that
sanctifies her husband. Cause the Bible says that a believing wife sanctifies her husband. That's
what God is making out of you. That's what he is shaping in you. And that's what he's going to do
in your life. I am a woman of, I have a bulldozer in me and the bulldozer in me will run slap over
somebody. And so when I see a man that's not passive, but it's gentle, sometimes I see it
as weakness instead of meekness, but Jesus was meek. When I see a gentle man, that's who Jesus
was. And so I wanted a man, Karishma, that would put me in my place because I didn't know how to
put me in my place. And the Lord says, you're not going to get a man. If I can't put you in your
place, what good be a man? If Jesus can't get you in your place, but a man can come along because
he's your husband and put you in place, he's going to have a problem with that idol in your life.
Hmm. Because Jesus can't rule your heart. Jesus can't rule your tongue. Then what is man?
That you will be mindful of him. And so I feel you on that. Yeah, I know. I'm going to let you
say something. Yeah, I am embarrassed. I told the Lord, I'm like, uh-uh. I need a man. Somebody
don't have to control me because I am out of control. He's like, no, you're going to control
yourself. And I'm like, I am? So you be encouraged. And I'm telling you, your father's
going to be so pleased. He's going to be impressed with what the Lord does. Your father lives in you.
I don't believe that the ones that we love leave us. I believe that their spirit is with us.
And that's a beautiful thing. I often heard people say that individuals are closer to us
when they're gone than when they were in the natural, because spirit to spirit is different
from flesh to flesh, like human to human. And so you're going to be one happy woman
when you see the way heaven does things in your life. And so be encouraged. Dating sucks.
I'm coming to y'all. Move on. Dating does suck. Raise your hand if you know dating sucks.
These dating apps, they are challenging. And they have their ebbs and flows. And when you get tired
of them, come out of them. Your lifeline is not dependent on a dating site. And I know you've
been through it. Most of all of us have been through it before you get in this program and
you get tired of it. It's like, who want to waste time like this? And you feel like it's a waste of
time. But this time, you're investing in yourself. And you're learning to have your own voice and to
be an advocate for yourself. In your case, you're learning how to be more tender, a little more
softer. And it takes the Lord to do that. So either we're like passive and just let people run over us
and then we bulldoze. And it's like, we need an in-between place to meet. And both of them can be
very challenging based on how we were raised and whatever traumas, whatever things have happened
to us along the way. And so I hear your heart and I want you to not hear. I don't want you to think
I'm fussing at you or anything like that. I hear your heart. It is challenging. And take a break
from the websites if you want to. You did ask who does different dating sites. I do Facebook dating.
I just like it. Well, I'm in a relationship right now. I'm not on social media, Ebony.
Oh, well, yeah, that wouldn't work. But all the other ones I never like match. Any of them,
I just didn't like them. And so because you're not on social media, that wouldn't work well because
you don't have the friend community. And usually you'll see who
they're friends with so you'll like so it feels a little more like community
that's the only reason why I like it but what area do you live in?
New York? No really look at you I always I always thought that
all the fine men live in New York. No no toxic it's toxic
listen I always did it outside of the state
really listen all of them aren't toxic toxic you're just one person so just say
all of the ones you dated in the past were toxic
but you're showing up differently this time and so
you have a lot of places I'm assuming that you could go out to and meet people
do you have a winged woman like a friend that when you go out
they can help you be yeah oh come on okay well that's good um
um but do do some other ways I know you get tired but
it's coming. Organically like go get food shopping and in the produce
aisle you know like those Hallmark movies but
I know oh who won't I want a Hallmark for real well the next minute you see
the produce aisle I know it needed the next minute you see the produce aisle
go make your Hallmark happen say hey how are you doing today my name is what's
yours oh would you like to grab if you're not
married would you be interested in grabbing a cup of coffee with me and see
what happens oh no no you can't do it why not
I'm not in this I don't initiate those conversations
I think there was another sister in here last week that said oh I'm not calling
him and I was like I get it I'm not either
I just I'm I'm it from that you know that mindset where the guide pursues
right not chase but pursue I understand I believe that you know we
talked about this last time and it's probably going to be really hard
and more challenging for you because of the your culture as well
um but you can ask a guy to go out to coffee with you
and never be in pursuit of him because a person has to reciprocate to you
just it's like if you didn't know a woman across the room y'all at a work
event and you wanted to know who she was and you walked up to her and you said
hey my name is you know what do you do that's the same
thing I think that we see it not that way
but I give myself this mindset so that I can operate that way
I'm just telling you I literally change my mindset about things
I change my perspective so I can operate in that
fashion and that's the only way I do it I see every man as a person
that's it it's a person if they're in Christ they're just a brother in Christ
and I will not see them past that point until a certain point like I just won't
and that's the way I operate and sometimes ladies we have to change our
mindset to operate in a certain mode because if
not it's going to be really hard for you to do it
I hope that was helpful was and thank you for calling those words
over me I'm I'm just basking in it right now thank
you yeah good yeah cool and so we just pray for
Karishma's heart now God I thank you for her I thank you
for her family I thank you for her father I thank you for her conversion
I say I don't know how long it's been but welcome to the body
of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ I thank you Lord God that no matter what
her family origin is that she shall be a light
Lord God that when you when you put her in her mother's womb you
already knew that she was gonna shake hell
wide open and she was gonna be the light that came from her bloodline
so I just declare redemption for her entire bloodline because it starts with
her and everything that comes from her womb
everything that's come from her her husband shall be those who seek the Lord
and declare his goodness in the land of the living and so we
bless your heart with safety because the Bible says David wrote
when my mother and father forsake me then will my
Lord take me up I thank you God that you have taken her
up as your very own and nobody can care for you like your Papa God
in Jesus name we pray amen thank you Eboni you're welcome
you're welcome all right Candy
yeah get Candy Denny Lang sorry I think that's right
yes if I got wrong I'm sorry yeah oh it's okay yeah okay
thank you for having me because this is my first time at the APM
normally I attend at 1 p.m so yeah but today I because I run out of time so
then yeah so she's Carla suggested me to
come today but anyway so I want to have a story
that not a story but I met this guy at the
at the dating app and I'm the one who initiate and you know I
like him I said like and then he respond
so and then we text and then
Then we text for a couple of days and I said,
okay, let's, how about, let's get on.
I hinted to him that, okay,
I prefer to have a phone call or a video chat.
So we decided to have a video chat.
So we talk on the WhatsApp
and then we spoke like a couple of hours.
So we are both, we are both, you know, have grown kids.
You know, we are already at the 50, 50 something years old.
We are divorced and all that.
But he, so he, you know, he's also retired
and I'm also retired.
So it seems like we have a very similar background
and he's right now, he sold his house
and he bought a motorhomes to travel.
And so when we talk, you know,
he said he wants someone to travel with him
in the motorhomes.
But when we talk, we always talk on this, on like,
like he didn't say, okay, yeah.
He just, he did say something about,
oh, you know, you'll be doing this if you're,
you know, you are in my motorhome, whatever.
But it's not like he, he might need to come
to his motorhome, which is of course is later, right?
But I also said something about, yeah, I like to travel
because I like to travel a lot, you know,
overseas or whatever.
So I just, so the next, I just, my question is
the next call, the next video,
I mean, we have been texting to each other, you know,
like every day actually, just texting.
But the next video call, should I wait for him to initiate?
How long y'all been talking, Ken?
A week.
Have y'all, do y'all ever do voice call?
I know you said y'all do a lot of texting.
I'm sorry, say again?
Do you guys ever do voice calls
where you hear each other's voices?
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, we, yeah, we did.
We did, we talked a couple of,
we talked a couple of times in one video call.
Okay, okay.
So you wanna know, should he initiate the next video call?
Yeah, he should be the one that, yeah.
When can y'all go on a coffee date?
Well, the problem is he's,
cause he has a motorhome, so he's traveling.
And then he said, you know, he's kind of saying, okay,
well, the 18, he's in Texas right now.
So he said an 18, he'll be done with his,
because his wife's coming, I mean, not his wife,
his daughter's coming to visit him.
And then the 18, he'll be done visiting.
And then he said, okay, either he's,
his original plan is going up to the North,
you know, go up to Minnesota or whatever.
But he's like, okay, it depends how things go.
I'm gonna go to the East, which is where I am, New Jersey.
So he's just saying that,
so he's just saying that, okay, it depends how it goes.
And then, and then, yeah.
So then that's what he's saying,
that in the middle of July, he will say, okay,
it depends how it goes,
the better he'll come to see me, that kind of thing.
Yeah.
But at the same time right now, I'm, yeah.
At the same time right now,
I'm resting at home because I have an injury.
I have a surgery, I just had a surgery on my leg,
so I cannot really do any active stuff.
Okay.
Got you.
So I see why you're, I see why you're like,
I'm okay, kind of okay with chilling out.
Like I don't have to meet him right now
because I can't do that.
I'll just, I don't want you to go too long
without meeting him face to face
because ladies experience is necessary.
If someone, and I'm just throwing this in
because every question is an opportunity to coach.
If someone lives near you, these are kind of the guidelines.
If they live near you within a week,
you need to be on a coffee date.
You're interested in live dates.
You're not interested in a texting buddy or a phone buddy.
You, you want to know when you waste time?
If you two weeks in and all you're doing
is texting a person, you wasted time.
If anytime you want to know you're wasting time,
that's wasting time.
We don't do that.
We want a live date.
We want to see the person that we're talking to.
And so let's say the first week they're out of town,
they're busy and they can't say,
okay, we have to do a video chat.
You need to see their face.
You need to hear their voice.
You need to know that you're talking to a real person.
All right.
And then let's say they stay about 300 miles away.
So that means by the second week, third week,
y'all should be meeting up even if it's halfway.
They stay out of country, out of state,
and it's a flight distance.
You should like take a plane to get there.
Then you shouldn't go past six weeks
before you meet them in person
because you may talk and text them,
but seeing them and experiencing them is totally different.
You don't know them.
You think you know them
because you talk to them, but you don't.
You know people when you spend time with them more,
you know them more when you get to experience them.
And so Candy, I think now would be a good time
for you to allow him to initiate the second video date.
Yeah, but keep texting is okay.
Let me just keep texting.
Does he initiate daily texts without you initiate?
Who initiates them?
well he does it one day and I did the other day something like that. Okay good yeah that's fine
yeah yeah and if he is reciprocating both of y'all are reciprocating you don't necessarily
now I want to I want to retract if both of y'all are reciprocating communication it's okay if you
say hey let's do a video let's do another video chat oh it's okay for me to say okay you can say
it let him know that because he is you like you won't see him for another three weeks it's going
to be important to you that y'all spend time over facetime that's important to you that you get to
see him is that true for you yeah of course yes I don't yeah I don't want to waste my time but
then for the for the for face-to-face meeting I mean uh like I have to wait for him to tell me to
to come he's willing to come to New Jersey you don't have to wait I'm gonna tell you something
if that man is not coming to New Jersey within the next two weeks or whatever you said when
he was supposed to come and he says oh I didn't plan to come there when I'm going another way
then candy you are looking for a husband you are not looking for a pen pal then you know like hey
yeah no this is not gonna work I understand you're traveling we just had two different phases in our
life okay okay you understand what I'm saying yeah you don't have to choose to come that way
and you don't have to choose to keep talking to him until he comes your way that's not how this
is gonna work okay all right if he's showing that he's interested in getting to know you
then it needs to be an expression of that in some way and not just talking on the phone
because yeah what you just don't wait yeah and the longer you do it the longer you're
going to be willing to do it okay yeah I understand yeah yeah I have another question
though okay so on his text he's very transparent about his divorce and so I didn't I didn't talk I
didn't ask him why this divorce he just he texted to me he say everything very transparent so I
didn't you know I didn't dig into it because you guys told us not to talk about ex and and divorce
right so we listen to that now but when we talk about friends he said he has no friend
and that kind of bothers me and he has no friend and he's introvert so that kind of bothers me
that he I'm just afraid he's very passive but when talking to him he doesn't seem like he's
passive person but but you know again I don't know I guess I have to wait and see and find out
yeah you don't have to wait and see and find out you know ladies men don't have as many friends
as I know it's true it's so sad yeah it's hard to get men to do stuff in community
it's just men are different um now if you start to get serious about him you are going to want
to know that he has community you are going to want to know that he has some family because you
need to be able to attach this man to somebody or something right he has two daughters he has two
daughters he has okay he has parents well I'm saying as you yeah if you decide to like him
along the way and y'all start developing something then some of those things are
going to become a little bit more important because you're going to want to meet his community
right but is that okay that I shared with him that hey I have I went to this uh last
nice last year single uh this is something maybe it's good for you too you know I'm hesitant to
tell him if you want to share that with him you can if you don't want to share it with him you
don't have to but if your reason you're sharing it because you want him to somehow be something
different for you or if you're just sharing with him because you think he'll he'll value he'll get
value from it you have you have you picked up that he is a man of wisdom and he likes to grow
that he has a teachable heart and he wants that like you picked up things like that then you know
what you're offering to him may be something that he's interested in but if you think well he should
just get in the group and then it'll be you know he'll be a healthier man and then maybe we can
work something out I don't know your motive for sharing it with him but whatever it is you can
share it with him no he said he has been a Christian for 30 years uh yeah he was he was
a he was a Christian for 30 years 30 30 years oh he still is a Christian yeah for 30 years and and
he got hurt by the one by the one of the church that he attend of you know I think some money
issue I think he got hurt and then he didn't go back to that same church anymore so so that means
he got some type you know so he has some hurt and in the past so that's why I was thinking about
this last single thing maybe it's good for him but oh yeah you can tell him about anything he
can get him some community right right but then yeah but I just but then on Jackie's Jackie's uh
video saying that we don't want to show up with our gift of counseling right and coaching so that's
why I that's why I'm asking you for do you have a gift of counseling and coaching
no not really that's why I said okay let's go why don't you go do that since
to get some coaching. Instead of coming from me, I don't have the gift, but I think you might need it.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. When he wants some kind of coaching from you or something like that,
you can say, hey, this is really not my strong suit, but I would like to continue getting to
know you. This program, I mean, they have some awesome coaches. I'll send you the link.
Okay. No, no, no. I mean, he's a very confident person. He's not asking me for coaching,
but I'm just saying, I'm not, yeah, he's not asking me for coaching, but what I'm saying
is because he got hurt in the past from church. So I'm saying maybe you can attend his last year
single. Maybe it's good for you to heal your heart and stuff like that. You know? Yeah. I'm
not sure that I can, I should do that. I just, because I don't know him. Sometimes some people
might think tickets are offensive thing that, you know, like they, that I'm trying to, I'm trying to
you know, look down on him or whatever. I don't know him well enough to, to say that,
to, to make that judgment. Well, so I want to suggest that you just err on the side of caution
and maybe later on, if it comes up again, you can mention it to him if you feel comfortable.
Okay. Okay. Sounds good. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome. Okay. All right.
Yeah. Elaine in Ireland. Is that Ireland? What if L stand for Florida?
Yeah, that's where I am. Really?
Ireland is Ireland in Florida. Wait a minute. Is there an island in Florida? Go ahead.
I've had other people think that no, it's Elaine Ireland in Florida. I just moved here.
Oh, in Florida. Okay. You're not the first one. This is all really helpful. You have a lot of
wisdom and I I'm just really enjoying this. I haven't been probably showing up to enough of
these sessions and I'm just really frustrated, but this is actually bringing some things out for me.
This is good because I tried a couple of dating sites. My whole life's just been in big transition
the last year. I uprooted, I sold my house. I moved from Massachusetts to Florida. I got divorced. I
quit my job. Everything's just been up in the air. I've had about eight months of just really
digging into just healing and seeking God and just getting peace for once in my entire life.
I actually have peace now. I had a knot of anxiety in my stomach that I just carried around all the
time. Two failed alcoholic marriages. I'm realizing my self-esteem, my self-worth, my
identity just got really, really beat up probably more than I wanted to admit. To everyone else,
I seem like this, I'm the get it done girl. I will start something and just get things going.
I just hit a wall. I think it's identity. It's the first time in my life I haven't
had a job, a career where I can say this is who I am. I took some time so I could heal and not have
to have that pressure. I got some extra money from my house. Even as I go on and try to do
the dating thing, I find myself being embarrassed wanting to say, oh, yeah, well, this is what I
used to do and now I'm going to pursue this. I don't even know what I want to pursue.
David, Jackie's husband did a session. I was just listening to it this afternoon of what do you
want? Oh, my God. I can't answer that directly. How am I going to find what I want if I don't
even know? My dad was a really strong provider. He treated my mom like gold. Then I have these two
awful marriages. I just want that special relationship. I want to be treated well. I
want a provider. I don't want to have to always pull and carry everything and be the provider
and be the one with the credit. All of these things I've always done my whole life. I think
finding this, I can totally relate to the passive guy. I'm just like, ugh. Somebody that
never wants to take initiative. It just reminds me of what I
Just dealt with my whole life. And so I did try a couple of sites just to get
the knot in my stomach again, and I'm like
I don't want this back. I've had peace. I'm really enjoying my life
So I'm thinking it's kind of back off work on me
But to be really honest and vulnerable I
Don't want to go find this brand new career because I'm not doing what I used to do
I want to do it with I want a partner
I I've always wanted to get into like I love to decorate
I want to just do like a house flipping decorating like just cool thing
Together, you know, maybe do some house and that you know investing in real estate. This is sort of a what do you want to do?
Well, that's that's something but it I don't really want to do it on my own. So I'm
I'm kind of like you need to do something you need to go get a job and I decided I don't want to do
A whatever job again. I just want something. I really like I feel like I mean, I keep telling God, you know
You're not really showing me but I have some ideas. Should I just like, you know, I am God can't direct your steps unless you're moving
But I'm just having a lot of a lot of confusion and especially with my identity
And I know it's like your identity is in Christ. I get that up here
But right down here. It's not really clear yet. So, um
Yeah, so trying to answer that. What what do you want?
I think I got to really think about that this week, but I think I'm embarrassed to say what I want because
It has to do with
partnering with somebody that would kind of want the same thing and I
Don't want to set myself up for
Yeah, so tell us what do you want? I
Mean in the broad
You know old Dave was saying this so you can be like, oh I want God's will you know, of course you want God's
well, but like what do you actually want and
Like I love to make things beautiful like take ugly little spaces and make them look fabulous and decorate
That's just my heart. I like when I'm doing that. I'm just happy and
my ex-husband
he was a builder and a designer and built like zip lines and canopy tours and he helped make art like one of our
He may help make my house like and we did Airbnbs and it was really
Beautiful and that was something I really liked that we actually could do together
so it's not like I'm holding on to him with that, but I
I found something I really like to do and
So, I mean, I mean that's job I God is very important in my life and I'm pursuing community
I found an amazing church
just getting into some small groups and
Yeah, I'd love just
My man to just walk through the door at church and be like here I am
Yeah, because the dating thing is just I I I hate it. I know I know
So this is what I want to I want to share with you
Whatever you want
I gave you opportunity to speak it out in your safe space because I wanted you to get used to saying what you want
and I
Believe that you're gonna have to start doing the thing that's in your heart. I
believe that you need to go forth and do what is in you to do and
I believe that in doing so there's some things are gonna fall off of you
Because you used to doing things with someone but you can partner with heaven you can partner with Jesus
He's gonna be the best business partner. You're gonna ever have
And I want you to continue dating and I want you to continue trying
Because whatever it was that lived inside of you that allowed you to pick the same two type of men
The first time it's gonna fall out this time so that when you do walk into covenant
You won't pick the same way again
You won't you want the things that you want settled for you won't settle for anymore and you're gonna see things
Differently and I think that this phase of your life is gonna be so good for you
Because Elaine is gonna do what Elaine wants to do and you're gonna feel the freedom in it
So that when your husband comes along Elaine already had this thing going on
This was already what you were doing and he gets to join the party
Because
He didn't put the things in your heart, those things that need to be burnt out,
he didn't put them there. None of those things he had anything to do with, whether they came
from out of affection of something you've done in the past or whether the Lord put those things in
that you want to do. That man had nothing to do with it, but he can join the party.
Well, I did take a step today and I joined a
Sarasota Real Estate Investing Association. There's like 40 people there and they're all
really into what they're doing and it all kind of has to do with real estate. So,
I was determined not to get overwhelmed. I sat there and I took a few notes and just kind of
listened and got out of there and said, you did it. You took a step. It's a baby step,
but you did something in that direction because it's a whole new world for me. I've done wellness
and kind of health related things my whole life. And besides having two Airbnbs, this
real estate and all of that is different. So, I'm like, all right, Lord, if you don't want me to do
it, slam the door, but I guess I'm just going to walk in this direction. That's right. The journey,
the joy is in the journey. And I know when we've lived life for a while, we may think I'm tired of
the journey, but it really is. The joy is in the journey. It's not about the destination.
One thing that the father is sure of, he's sure of the destination.
He's sure of the destination. So, we think he's withholding something. He already knows what the
destination is, what the end result is going to be. But what happens on the journey is what prepares
you for the E. I need to get that in my head because I don't feel that the joy is in the
journey. I'm always a destination person and you're saying that. And I know I'm always like,
oh, when I get here, I can start living my life. Now, the last year I've been in paradise. I
literally cried for months in gratitude and just can't even believe how God has just turned my life
around. I took steps and it's just absolutely mind-blowing. So, the fact that I'm worried about
the future when he's done such amazing things over the last year is kind of silly.
But I think I'm afraid to ever go back, ever.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Like, I just, I have like a taste of good and I just,
so I know I'm not going to date another jerk like I was with because I will not go back to
living that way. So, yeah. No, I hear you on that. My ex-husband used to always say to me,
well, if the Lord told you to marry, I said, if the Lord told me to marry you again,
it's just going to be one of my disobedient marks against me. I'd have been disobedient
before and I'm definitely going to do it again, brother.
My goodness. But, you know, be encouraged. The joy is in the journey and sometimes we're in
spaces where we can't identify. And it's okay to be in that space, to be in an unidentifiable
space because you know that you have a father in heaven who identifies right where you are.
And as you walk with him, Elaine, everything about identity, all these things, they just come.
There have been times where I have pressured the Lord, put pressure on myself, put pressure
on something to produce something in my life and the product did not come. But as when I cast my
cares upon the Lord and kept moving forward, all of a sudden these things start popping up.
They come up as you just keep going and trust the Lord. And I know that's something like we say,
just trust the Lord. But the truth is, that's the truth. Trust the Lord or you're going to sit
there and wreck your brain and run it over and over and over and over. And you're going to come
up empty every time. And I do, I don't like uncertainty. I have a plan and it's funny
because I laugh with God and I'm like, I know you're not giving me the map.
Because I will just take it and run with it and so I'm not I'm really not used to
Following really? I mean obviously my two marriages. I was not listening to God and following him now
I'm kind of like 100% I want God's will but this is new for me. I'm used to seeing something go after it
This like it's almost confusing sometimes because it's like all right, you're not talking
I don't have a real indication of what you want me to do. People say oh God speaks to me and
I'll be I'll get really quiet and I'm like, okay, I'm listening
And I know a lot of people, you know, this is just part of it I'm learning that
Sometimes you just have to go with
You know go with how you feel and then
Figure if he doesn't want you to do it. He'll redirect you or slam the door shut
Yeah, it's a green light and tell us or not tell us a red light right it's a yes till it's a no and he can
Definitely redirect
Yeah, yeah, well, thank you for sharing and thank you for letting us speak into that with you sharing it with us
It's gonna be great
You know when you're not the one in the heat you can be like it's gonna be great the other person like sure you will
Say that you're not the one going through it
But that's why you have people around you that are not going through at the same time that you're going through so they can speak
Into what you're going through and give you encouragement and hope so you can keep running and that's what I'm doing. It's all good
Thank you. You're welcome
Why need that?
I'm right. Yeah, Elaine Lark. Oh, I'm sorry
Why neither okay
Hey
Hi, so all this is really
Great and intriguing as well
because I'm kind of with Elaine and I was kind of with others and
that
What you said undefiable undefinable space
Really triggered me because that's where I'm at myself
So I was married to somebody that had that worked with me we were both artists we both worked
Together we worked well together
we built things together and
But he decided that he wasn't committed to the marriage and left and
So it kind of just left me with so I find myself when I'm looking for somebody
This person is like well you were the perfect person we worked together we got along together
we could we did a lot of things together, but he
wasn't committed to Christ or the
Marriage so
When I go on so I finally went on Facebook
But in my area, there's nothing but disheveled old men and it just is heartbreaking
because I'm just why I'm like the the
Dating 101 who's like swipe swipe swipe swipe and I'm like, oh dear Jesus
this is just heartbreaking and
So, yeah, so but I also know that I'm on a reset
With my art business and and I don't know where God's gonna take me with that
so I'm kind of feeling in
Limbo
If that's a good word, yeah, but I have my job my my little
Storage self-storage job that I manage and and I
Because I keep asking my question as well. What do you want Juanita? What do you want now?
Because I'm older even even when I moved here eight years ago
to Weaverville, I
Had super amount of energy. I mean I was a 30 year old in my 60s
Late 60s and and so as I aged
Into my 73 year old. I'm feeling the 73 year old
Dilemma
physical dilemmas and
And I don't know if it's just because my gallbladder is acting up that I don't have the energy
I mean I get up and I have a lot of energy and then the afternoon I don't
and
And motivation it's like oh my gosh, it's like somebody just pulled the plug on motivation and I'm like, is that
Physical or is that like because of old age?
And is it an aging thing? Is it or is it just a
Undisciplined thing so I'm really
Grappling at what what is going on with me and what do I?
I want at this stage of my life? And when I get my gallbladder out, will it be different?
And because I really want to get my hip fix as well, will those two things bring back
more of what I had before? Yeah, that's kind of where I'm at. And so I'm also feeling like
the Lord is asking me to move on to stage three. But I really like today. Like, I don't
know. Are you sure? Yeah, we're gonna go. And so that's something I'm going to pray
into. But I really felt like, yeah, maybe it's time to go into phase three.
I think that everything that you say are real thoughts. And I'm not, you know, I'm not 73.
And I feel almost like, I feel like, how dare I speak into a place that I've not been?
I don't want to be insulting at all. But there are things that our body goes through. And
they're also not just things, but the enemy comes, like little noise in our ear, talking
to us. Like, you don't even notice the thoughts, but they're just flying through. And he's
throwing out little darts and little arrows at us. Just things, you know, like, I'm gonna
give an example. When I was like, where did I put that? Where the heck did I put it? And
it's something, a little dart comes out quicker than I could think. Oh, you can't remember,
huh? And it's just like, am I losing my memory? Like those little fiery darts that are coming
at you as you're aging. I didn't hear it more so now till I'm like 40. But I hear my dad
say things and I'm just like, that's a fiery dart of the enemy. Everything is like you're
losing. Like you, oh, it's old age, count it out. You know, you got more years behind you than in
front of you. Just like all these little darts that are coming at you. And so I hear you and
I believe that the enemy is throwing a lot of fiery darts at you. And there could be, and as
women, even me now, I'm like, where's all my energy? Am I peril menopause? Is that what they
call this? I'm sweating the sheets out at night, every night, my bed wet like a pool. What the
heck? And so women have so much to go through in the body. It's interesting to me. And so.
But Ebony, I think you're right, is because I'm always finding the truth of what I'm thinking
or feeling about, you know, am I, am I really this tired? Or is it just not discipline? And so
when I make the effort and get up and go to the gym, and I do the gym, and then I feel great.
And then, but it's getting there. You know, it's just this vortex of,
of getting the body and the mind to like, get out the door and do do it. And yeah, so you're,
you're right on about there. Yes, some of it may be true physically and,
but there's also the war that goes with it. Right. And if you don't do this, you are very
joy filled person, in my opinion, but I want you to start celebrating every little thing that you
do. So in to measure how many of those fiery darts you're going to get to put out. You know,
the Bible says that's why we have our shield of faith to, to, to catch the fiery darts of the
enemy, the fiery darts of thoughts that we think he's shooting them at us. But I want you to start
practicing rejoicing everything that you do, that you do do. And I believe that you're going to find
that health and strength is coming to your body. I want you to find everything that your body does
do well in rejoicing it. Just try it for a week. If you can't do it for a week, try it for three
days. And I really do believe that you're going to find strength coming to your body because when
strength comes to the mind, it feels the body. It tells the body who you're going to be and what
you're going to do. Right. And the body begins to step different when we feed it something different,
even with food, natural food, the same thing with our thoughts, what we tell ourselves, our bodies
operate differently. And another thing is, I want you think maybe you can try expanding your
mileage on your dating app. Oh, I want you to talk to somebody you trapped up in the mountains.
Oh yeah. They're giving me people all the way to Sacramento and the Bay area and way up in Oregon.
They're all like, yeah. And what app is this? Facebook. That sucks. What other app?
You tried another app.
So I'm going to try the one that last year's singles
affiliated with, ARC, I guess, or whatever that is.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I don't know how long ARC has been in your ear.
What church do you go to?
Do you go to a fellowship there?
So I kind of like stepped out of two churches
and went back to going online with Bethel because that was.
And I do go down once in a while.
So I try to show up there.
But it's all right.
I mean, it's.
How long does it take you to get to Bethel?
An hour.
Oh, wow, I see.
OK.
Because they have a big community, right?
They have a huge community.
I mean, and so that's part of it is that you just walk in
and it's just noise and people.
I mean, I went to BSSM for two years.
So I know what it's like.
I know.
Yeah, so.
Are there any smaller communities within Bethel
that you can get connected with?
Well, I just looked yesterday on their website for home groups
or whatever.
And they all seem to be like out for the summer or something.
I don't know.
Or once a month or something.
Yeah.
Well, when fall starts back, I want
to see you get into a group.
I want you to get in with some people.
Not just being online.
If you can do that.
So I had to walk out of one here because the idolatry
towards the pastor was so in your face.
Of all the older women, here's this 40-year-old pastor
and all the older women were like, oh, he's like Jesus.
And just over and over again.
And then anyway, it just was super unhealthy.
And so I kind of distanced myself
from all those women and the church.
And the other church, the pastor,
he's really nice, but not really doesn't
have a real strong preach.
It's like when I'm used to listening to all the Bethel
people and Pedro Deo and all those guys.
And then you go to listen to a preach and it's very religious
or they don't give you the punchline until the end
in a very passive way.
And it's like I'm sitting there going,
you didn't tell them up front.
Right.
Yeah, it's that trial and error of finding what floats your boat.
Juanita, let me do something.
Ladies, the session ends at 8.15.
You do not have to stay on the session.
I'm going to take our last three questions.
But you are welcome to leave.
I realize that a lot of you guys are new
and so I don't want you to think that you are held to stay on.
Felicia, you want to post?
OK.
Sounds OK.
Where did Juanita go?
OK, the screen pops around.
So I enjoyed you ladies.
And if you have to go, please feel free to do that.
Well, you said, yeah, Juanita, so you just weren't,
they didn't quite float your boat.
Right.
My other option is like there's the Nazarene Church,
but it's, you know, and so I'm like,
it has a lot of people, you know.
And so then I'm like, oh, Lord Jesus, we are in a spot.
So I'm just kind of navigating a lot.
You know, I go out a lot.
I mean, I go to restaurants a lot.
You know, I just go to whatever I can, you know,
chamber of commerce member and I volunteer.
And, you know, I try to be out there.
And I don't have trouble speaking to men.
I mean, they come to my window and we talk, you know,
and they come and they whatever.
So, yeah, it's just a very interesting place
that the Lord has me in.
Yeah.
And part of it is, Lord, so my question,
sometimes my question is, so Lord, do you want me to move?
But how do I move, you know, in a place
where there's more people, more, more access?
and you know it's like I don't know I'm kind of in a yeah that's a tight place yeah but I've been
in this place for eight years so I've been here in Weaverville for eight years and it's it's
my attitude is better than it was say a year ago about being here well um we're gonna I just well
father I just agree with heaven that he's gonna bring you instructions and directions um we don't
believe in stuck places in the lord I believe that the lord is always moving always working
always doing something and so lord whatever has to be removed out of Juanita's way so that she
can hear understand the plan that you have for her life and what you want her doing in this season
I pray lord god that she will be able to receive that very well in Jesus name we pray amen amen
thank you ebony you're welcome um how do you say your name free free tea yeah yeah you got it
yeah oh yay um so nice to meet you ebony this is my first day in this space yeah um so uh I guess
what I'm gathering is this like a round robin like we can ask you anything yeah okay awesome cool
um so I'll be brief I'll just introduce myself um I am dialing in from Ottawa the capital of Canada
and I am a first generation Christian or the only Christian in my extended family
I was saved about 20 years ago uh like the other sister on the call I also come from a little bit
more conservative background obviously uh but slightly different in different ways so won't
get into the details of it but also like basically wasn't allowed to date growing up and then
suddenly when you are 22 and you have a job and a master's degree then the switch is turned on like
where's your husband now you know it's like there is no period to actually experience it so having
said that I've actually never been in a relationship before like I've tried dating but I've never been
in a relationship before I'm in my early 40s um although I have to say that I have been attracted
to men but like I have never had the courage to ask them out or share so I kind of say I'm
kind of the queen of the unrequited love in some sense I'm hoping to change that this year
uh and I guess like I mean just like I don't know if there's anybody else here on the call
from Canada but like this like I lived in North Carolina for 10 years and I just moved like a few
years ago uh I would say that this is a very different country when it comes to people with
faith so we we do operate with a slightly smaller pool even though like I believe that supernaturally
God provides however many people we need right to get to the right person so I'm believing that
but having said that my experience on the dating websites have been like pretty discouraging for
the most part like there are men who are into openly polyamorous relationships and also there's
a line which is very popular on many dating sites here which I've had better experience before but
not not in the last few years it's called they call it intimacy without commitment um and stuff
like that so anyway having said that I'm trying really hard to meet people organically uh and
because I was in I kind of stayed longer in the first phase because like I was never really sure
if I'm ready because like you know I was like I don't know like is this the time so um Bethany
said it's time for me to go to the next phase so here I am uh having said that I did want to ask
you while I mean I'm open to dating sites and meeting people organically I wanted to specifically
ask if you have any advice on like dating people who are your good friends um because I do have
somebody in my network actually he's my neighbor and we've been really good friends but like he is
a very ethical Christian man right and so I think he's like because when I talk to my girlfriends
they're like has he made a move like blah blah blah and I'm like I mean he's very kind and very
attention um like you know very attentive to my needs like if something breaks down in my house
like he is there to help but like he's not like I don't I'm not sure if I read things properly
also because like I'm not like I don't have experience so my question to you which you
answered is like can you approach a man and you said yes but also like I really care about this
friendship and like you know again like I'm not super like it's not it's nothing serious but I'm
just saying that we are good friends and so in the past like I have liked men that I got to
know better as friends because like yes there is a spiritual part to it but also like i enjoy having
intellectually stimulating conversations i love the board behind you around chase adventures that's
really like my personality and so like normally when i like when i've tried christian speed dating
or other things like i've really even struggled to find men who have a hobby you know like they
don't even have a hobby like i don't know like i've tried and so here there is a person like
we're not like romantically involved or anything but like like everything kind of vibes right like
in terms of interests and values and ethics and stuff like that and so like i just wanted to ask
if you have any like advice for me specifically around how to approach like a friend okay so this
is yes i do i was thinking in my head what to tell you what to say so i think that you should
um be just real up front and just say hey listen i am on the market dating we're really good friends
i don't want to ruin our friendship i think you're absolutely amazing but i wanted to know
would you be interested in going on a date with me it's not gonna get weird if you say no
it's not gonna get weird if you say yes be that direct be that very direct because you're not
wanting to ruin your friendship with him say look they said good friends can sometimes make
really good spouses so i'm just saying would you be interested in us going out for coffee
to see if we had something in common beyond our friendship i'm not gonna chance our friendship
don't you do it just because i'm asking you if you don't want to do it say no because your
friendship means a lot to me and i don't want to mess it up in any kind of way right like you're
being so clear up front like look you're single i'm single have you ever thought about maybe
you know you want to go on a date but we're not going to go on a date at the cost of our friendship
okay right i don't want to lose you as a friend i don't want this to get weird it doesn't have to
be weird and you sound like you're very straightforward sounds like you can pull
this type of straightforward conversation out yes i'm very straightforward but also
canadians are super polite who's canadians are like they don't they're not very upfront
with their emotions like they're kind of slow to it like they're yeah they're very nice but
like kind of private you know so you can say i know the canadians are very private and polite
okay i am telling you your friendship means more to politeness and quietness it means more to me
and so you want to grab a coffee would you be interested in getting to know me you can
completely say no so here's the thing though like we have actually done a lot of things together
like we ski together uh and we are in like we neighbors like not just him like we're we're
like a really close community because in covid we kind of became each other's bubbles right so like
we meet in groups but we'll also hang out one and one oh so it's kind of weird to be like hey do
you want to meet because like we've had like so many days no but you're talking more you're trying
to see if y'all have some romantic sparks and what you're saying to him so how about is there
someone in the group that you could ask to ask him like his thoughts about you or maybe y'all
hanging out and see what they what he says to them i mean people okay i will ask i mean like
people know that we are super close because you know like we like we hang out together but like
also like we all have inside jokes with each other right like as friends and so like we are super
close but like we've never done anything like a romantic yeah like we've we've like we've respected
that boundary right so yeah i'm excited i think you should just say look you know be real you
have that rapport with him already like what would you think about us seeing if we could match like
on the more romantic side like let's have a coffee date like if you were you know i had one friend
asked me one time we were friends and look i'm not gonna take long to speed up but we were friends and
uh he said to me ebony i want to take you on a date now we hung out went to dinner all the time
he was a teacher in a just a couple hours away and he said uh i want to take you on a date i said
what kind of date he was like a real date and i was like do you he said yeah i said well okay we
can go he said we can i was like yeah you can try to woo me let's go on a real date let's see what
happens but he approached it right like he approached it because i wasn't interested in
him though i wasn't i didn't look at him as right you know and so i don't
paint like i've given any hint that i'm interested like i've been very guarded like in my emotions
yeah and i'm a very open person so he knew that he can say something to me he talked to me about
all his dates he talked to me about relationships so we had a very open he knew that i dated for
discovery like so we had a very open so he a person could say anything to me because i usually
say anything to a person i'm just that way so i think that you could say something he could be
shy he could think that she probably would never go for it but i think you should go for it okay
all right okay i mean i have no courage to do this but i will gather courage you can do it
just make it like a calming conversation okay all right you can do it tell me about it once
you do it please totally totally i mean i'm also sharing this so that i'm accountable because i
have had friends who've told me like for the last six months i should talk to him and i haven't done
it and then you go in phase one and you're told like you can't approach anyone so i kind of just
like didn't but now i'm allowed right like i'm officially it's time it's time you know jackie
her husband were neighbors yes yes yes i remember her saying that uh and like i mean which is why
like which is why i thought like thought even about it because otherwise kind of it's kind of
weird right and again like i said we have been good friends for the last four years like all
the neighbors have been but but yeah it's because of covid because we are all far away from our
and like canada was pretty strict about covid protocols right so right uh anyway having said
that uh like we've we've never like we respected the boundaries of friendship right okay so women
can ask men uh is the clarification uh and the other thing is that um that i have to just be
and up front okay that's right you got this courage to do it okay but but like i said i'm
simultaneously also like out and about keeping like all my options open right like i'm not right
i'm not holding on to one thing right you got this okay go go go and you got some comments
can't do it okay thank you you're welcome marley
hi um marley is in canada too that's what she was telling you pretty
in ottawa too um so yes i put it in the chat um so i just wanted to say um
that i'm i'm happy that we had that dresses um challenge way back because i've been consistently
i and i i can count maybe on on the fingers of one hand the number of times that i have not worn a
dress recently so um i had them but i was not wearing them so it feels it feels really nice
um i i don't know if you remember but last week i was a little bit dejected i was saying that
on the app um a lot of people were saying that they were either atheist or agnostic
um so but i i had a word of encouragement and i went and and liked oh great my folks my
my uh laptop is about to die oh no don't die no i don't want it to die let me just connect it
yeah oh boy okay so um i i was able to i i i commented on a few profiles and so i've been
going back and forth with this guy um and we're going out on a date on friday yay so um
so he was there was something on his profile he was saying that he's afraid of um of what do you
call it the witches so and there's a story behind it and i asked for the story and he said and he
said um and he said this story i would have to tell in person okay so when are we going when am
i going to hear that story and is it going to be coming with you know visual effects and and and
noise and of of any sort why does it know if there's going to be all that but anyway so we
were meeting on friday and uh downtown so he was suggest he suggested that i part and that's
my question is that I park my and it's a Friday night so that I park my car in his building
and that we can walk to the place that we're going for a drink. Now I'm very cautious myself as
personality wise and I just wanted to to find out what your thoughts were on that.
Yeah, I wouldn't do it. Perfect. Yeah. Perfect. Thank you. Okay. And there's another profile
that I liked and what was interesting was we're about three years apart. I'm 56. He's three years
younger. So everything in the on the profile looked great. Interesting. He said and that's
the first profile that I ever saw where the man is saying my faith is important to me.
Ever. On the hinge. But he wants kids at 53 and I'm thinking does that mean that his
window of women that he's interested in is 25 and to 40 but why would I even see him because
he's not in my that's so I want to know your thoughts on that as well.
Um he could want kids but have also decided if he doesn't um if he doesn't you know you can
right because if he likes you back he's going to see your profile and know that you're 56 and he's
going to know that though he may he's going to be able to make a decision from that point.
Does that make sense? Yeah. So that's that's what I was thinking. I don't I'm not losing anything by
liking his profile. So I did and I commented I said um something to the effect that I think
it's great that he is talking he he from the get-go he says that his faith is important to him.
Yeah. I I haven't heard anything yet but I found it um interesting and the last point um
there was this guy that I was chatting with who was 49 and I think I should change my my um my
age range because I tend to be very suspicious of people who are 49 or 50. I'm thinking
why why do like why would you want to be interacting with me and I only did that because
I remember the guidelines that we were given were like go a little bit beyond the the
the range that you picked for yourself but I'm very suspicious. So we started chatting
and uh and it was his turn to respond but he didn't and finally I said well you know I I
I don't see this going um in a in a romantic uh manner and he was he was upset and he said yeah
well you could have told you and he said of course like it was since June 26 that you did
not respond you didn't ask any question I yeah you didn't send me any type of music that you
like um ha ha ha um you you definitely telling me something that I didn't know I'm thinking
huh and right away he um he unmatched me and it it stung and so I'm just saying that to say that
it stung a little bit because I I was kind of my message when I said I don't think this is going
I'm wishing you the best blah blah and I left that message on for a few days so that if he
wanted to respond he could respond and he did that and I was thinking I was upset when that
happened it's because it stung and then I was thinking no you don't you don't need to be upset
because in reality you dodged a bullet right like that's how that's with somebody that you don't
even know and you're reacting like that so I just wanted to share that that experience so that's it
yeah yeah that's an inch I've had guys do that to me too like just go out on me I had one guy
cussed me out for everything he could think of yes baby he cussed me out bad
I was like okay all right wow yeah so this thing is definitely I feel this I felt this thing a
whole lot of time
Yeah. One thing I may want to add is it's to the point today that I'm unattached whether
I'm the one who liked the guy first or not, to the extent that sometimes I don't even
remember who initiated what, right? And I like being in that state. So I'm involved,
I'm detached at the same time. Yay. Look at you. It was just the last call. You were like,
I'm not watching, liking somebody first. You go. All right, Lori, we're going to wrap it
up with you because it's 8 51. What's going on girl? Did you go on a date with the lumberjack
guy? I went on a date with him and oh my gosh, he's a babe. What does that mean? Like he's
a babe or what? Oh my gosh. Like just so like, gorgeous. Like great eyes. Fantastic hair.
Yeah. But wait till you hear the ending. Okay. So like, great. Like just so we ended up meeting.
He drove over like an hour to see me. We met in the town that I'm in and he let me pick
the restaurant and we went to the back, which is more like a pub than the formal restaurant and
had an appetizer and a cocktail. So sat out, sat for an hour and a half. He asked tons of like
compatibility questions. My personality though, read it a bit like an interview. So, but I felt
like I enjoyed it. It was super fun to get, I put on a dress and like a summer linen dress and,
you know, honestly I do these things for myself. So it was just really fun to do it for myself and
for a man. And it was just really fun to, to, yeah, it was really fun to, yeah, be pretty for
myself and for somebody else. So, and yeah, like right when I got there, he was already waiting
there and he'd kind of organized things. So he was like, just very directive anyway. At one point,
I, I process, I think I'm an internal processor. And so like question after question, and it,
I said, I said, gosh, lots of questions. And I realized I'm not upset about questions,
but there were so many questions and what was, it wasn't turning into a conversation. And so there,
and I didn't have the chance to process it, to come to actually express how I actually felt.
And so anyway, he said, what do you want me to do a song and dance? And kind of got defensive on it.
But anyway I mean, he said it a little bit jokingly, but that was definitely like, but anyway,
we got over it and yeah, just talked. And then he's afterwards, he's like, would you like,
would you be okay if I walked you to your car? And I mean, I was just like, and he, you know,
he paid, there was not even, I didn't even notice that the bill had come. It was coming back paid
before I even was cognizant of a bill. And so the whole thing was to move. He did make a comment
about how he asked where I, you know, about like what area I lived in. And so then I did the same.
I said, what quadrant of Grand Rapids? Because Grand Rapids is kind of broken up into four
quadrants and just kind of getting areas or idea. And he said, well, he says, most women can relate
when I say I live near Lululemon. And my immediate response was, and this was really true,
because I said, oh, I don't really love Lulu. But, you know, I think he was maybe trying to
impress me, but that was just a weirdness to me that he was mentioning, you know, what he tells
other women on the date on date. So it suddenly went from feeling special to feeling like one of
many. And it could, honestly, he could have been feeling insecure, who knows, whatever. And then
there was one point where he said, you know, he's like, I'm in a unique position. I could retire at
any point, because he's my same age. He's 56. And
It's a little, it's hard to tell if it was like aloof. I think I did get an aloof sort of feeling.
Anyway, I have had lots, he walked me to my car and then he said,
we talked for a minute and he's like, well, let me know if you'd like to do this again.
And, you know, I would like if he just came out and said, Hey, I really enjoyed this. I would
love to get together with you again. And like, he was confident in his own feelings and could like,
just go for it. But it was something. And so I said, I said, Oh, I really enjoyed it. I'd love
to do it again. And so I thought, you know, it's a yes until it's no, it's not like I had processed
anything. Anyway, got home. He, there were no, we didn't message at all. Then later that night,
I just said, Hey, thanks so much. Cause I think I forgot to say thanks for treating,
had a really great time. And we exchanged a few texts, nothing the whole next day.
So I had a major opportunity to lean into the Lord and actually had a really beautiful encounter
with anxious attachment and a place where my father, I felt abandoned and had a really beautiful
encounter. Like I put, you know, with these encounters, I couldn't even make up like
the way the father came in and just the details, just, I was just on the sofa soaking and just
wrecked me. So that was really beautiful because I was super anxious and my mind had a tendency to
be hypervigilant because I have been in abusive marriage. And while in the past I've defined it,
and he's actually been diagnosed with bipolar and narcissist. I have had enough mental experiences
and I can only speak for myself, but I really think that everything comes back to identity
in Christ. And we may have behaviors and I think triggers and things, but anyway, I just had a lot
of, a lot of triggering going on and just analyzing anyway. So, you know, he had asked,
he had texted me the next day and, you know, I'm like, Oh, he's still there. Wow. Like it was
that 36 hours of no texting felt like forever to me. So that encounter with the Lord is really good.
But when he asked me, you know, if I had anything, when we were actually after the date and he asked
me if I had anything going on over the weekend, cause it was a holiday weekend and he had
four days off. I didn't feel comfortable with like being available. And so I had
sabotaged myself and said, well, I'm kind of thinking about going up North, which I was,
and I'm up North now. And so I just kind of left it vague. So anyway, when he reached back out on
that Wednesday was a date Friday, he reached back out. I said, Hey, I've had a chance to,
you know, figure my schedule out. And I've, I've got a plan for, I've, I've got a Airbnb set and
planning to go up North on Tuesday. So I do have availability this weekend. And one thought would
be, are you available to meet for brunch on Sunday? And so I thought it was my way of taking
a risk of coming back and expressing, Hey, I would love to do something. Cause I think he
was hinting at it. And I put it out there and he says, Oh, I like that idea a lot. He says,
maybe question mark. And then he says, my daughter has, she's learning to be a pilot.
She's got a flight and, but this is a rescheduled flight, weather pending. And so
maybe help that for an answer. And I said, I messaged back and I said,
I can be flexible. I said, I can be flexible because my Sundays really are quite flexible.
I go to church and then I go into Grand Rapids and grocery shop and head home,
or I meet a friend for brunch. So that was not a big deal to me. I said, I can be flexible or
we can come up with a time that we know works. He didn't mention that at all. He says, thanks
for your flexibility. And I don't know if he said, I, you know, I don't, I don't remember
exactly what he said after that.
But so at any rate, we exchanged a couple of texts.
But then it wasn't like a normal closure.
And he like, like, we just saved a few more texts.
He fell off. He never messaged me.
On Sunday. Sunday came and went.
And. I'm proud of myself
because I didn't reach out for clarity on Wednesday
on Tuesday night before we were supposed to meet the first time
he had his car in for repair and again asked for flexibility
because he was getting his car done.
I wasn't sure what time it was going to be done.
And it was the night before the date date night.
And he said he hadn't gotten back to me with a plan.
And so I reached out and said, hey, I'm looking forward to meeting.
What's the plan?
And he shot back out. Hey, I'm so glad you reached out.
This is the plan, and it seemed to come together really easily.
But then again, this was like I noticed a pattern of like a tentative thing.
So anyway.
So let me ask you this, and we got like we will.
Oh, it's nine o'clock.
But let me ask you this last thing, and then you can post the rest for me.
So did you go on the date or not?
No, not on the second one.
And you haven't heard from him since.
No. Yeah.
So sounds like I got it over.
Yeah, just kind of like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's a little bit too much.
I think even if you did, if he call and say, let's go on a date,
I don't think you'll be pleased.
And I think that you would just, you know, find more error in him
because he's kind of giving you the run around, not being very clear.
Yeah, I'm glad that you had the experience in a sense
because it allows you to deal with your triggering
and allow you to make a different decision this time
to see that you can make different decisions.
You don't have to be the same where you same way you were in the past
and you fought through and you didn't operate on your anxiousness.
And that's the thing about whether we're anxious, avoiding
or somewhere in between or somewhere all disorganized.
We may be bent toward that, but we don't have to operate that way.
We can operate from our new understanding.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. So I think, you know, I'm just struggling like is he who I,
you know, you get this idea and I get this idea in my mind and I'm like.
Yeah, I just I don't know, it just felt like he was putting out
I'm interested in getting together, but he never follows through with it.
And, you know, he'd be like, oh, what are you doing
or what do you have going on this weekend?
And like he put something out there, but he doesn't.
He's done that like for probably four different times.
And it feels. Yeah.
Well, let me say this, and I'm going to say this.
You don't know him.
But what you do know is he's the type of person
that puts something out, but doesn't follow through.
You don't have to try to figure out.
He's shown you who he is and what he does.
So you don't have to like wreck your brains like, well, he's doing this
and he's doing this.
That's not nothing to figure out.
That's who he is.
He put something out and he doesn't follow through.
He says he's going to do one like he's showing you who he is.
And if you can say this, oh, that's who you are.
I don't really like to spend time with people like that.
Yeah, it's nothing. It's nothing.
It's not. It's like, oh, well, is he trying?
I'm confused. This is not a confused.
It's been a lot of confusion.
But you don't have to be confused if you say, oh, I see.
This is who he is. OK.
You know what? No, I don't do dates with people like this.
And it's OK. You can be who you are.
You've shown me that.
And so that's what happens in the beginning stages.
We can just see people for who they are and say, oh.
You're a hot and cold type person.
You know, I don't mesh well with hot and cold type people.
Now that I feel that it feels avoidant.
Yeah. And so you don't even have to figure them out.
Like you don't have to waste your time.
Yeah. When you when you get into it's like, oh, I'm confused.
Instead of when you get confused, like, oh,
they're the type of person that could bring confusion if I allowed it.
Oh, I see who they are.
And that's OK. Yeah.
But Lori, I'm going to wrap us up here because I got to because it's 9.05.
And I will post whatever you want.
I would love to chat with you more about it.
I know you waited a long time.
And so that's why. Oh, no, that's OK.
Yeah. Yeah.
So long, Mr. Lumberjack.
I live vicariously through you with that lumberjack man.
Oh, my God.
Well, I want to look at him for longer, but I can tell you that is.
not that is not fun you know it's like we honestly we didn't have fun it was
yeah well there was some of it was nice you did like some of it i did like some of it yeah he
gave you a really great experience because you got an opportunity to go to the lord when you
start feeling anxious yeah and so i think lumberjack gave you good good eye candy i
wondered if that's what it was for it could have been like he gave you really good eye candy
he paid for your date and he so he did treat you like a lady in that sense and he gave you an
opportunity to grow closer to the father and it was very low stakes you weren't heavily involved
it didn't cost you anything you actually came out a winner yeah treat treat you know treats
with uh so much honor in person but then goes like what a gentleman
oh my gosh can we do that again right yeah good thank you for sharing and ladies you rest well
and we will be seeing you soon post post post so i can know what's going on
hmm thank you all right okay you're welcome good night ladies good night
good night