WEBVTT

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I'm excited to have each of you here. I want to start off by saying, don't sweat the seven

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dates. I know when you hear Jackie say that in the kickoff challenge, it can get a little

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nerve wracking, right? Don't sweat it. And this coaching session is not just about dating,

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it's all about you. So we want you here sharing your world and then listening to the other

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ladies in the tribe. Because we can learn a lot. We are not far in distance. Meaning

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no matter who you are, women tend to be the kind of same all around. And so you're going

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to see that we kind of all experience some of the same things. And so we want you here,

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we need you here. We're excited to walk on this love journey with you. Oh, I really like

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phase two. It's where I got my voice. Yeah, it's where I found out that I was more powerful

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than I knew, and that I can make really good choices. And so you ladies, I hope you enjoy.

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Remember that we don't post anything from outside sources without admin's approval.

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And that's just for the sake of keeping the whole community safe. We want to make sure

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that these things that are outside, maybe some other teaching or ministry is approved

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so that it won't have some type of impact on ladies that we don't know that it's having

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the impact on them. And so Jackie likes to look through those things or Bethany before

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we post those. What else we want to talk about before we get started? Tonight, I am

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making sure that I don't spend more time because I don't want to go over our coaching time

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and I don't want to take up your time. So have you ladies been having a good week? Have

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you been smiling at some men, liking some men, talking to some men, chatting with some

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men, blessing and blocking some men? Yeah. Learning good lessons, learning hard lessons.

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You've been learning some stuff about yourself. I hope so. Shante, is this your first time

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with us? No, I was here last week. What? I'm so sorry. Charge it to my head, not my heart.

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No, it was no, I took no offense at all. Good. It's so good to have you back then.

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So I'm trying to, you're welcome. I'm trying to pull up

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my notes right quick so I can see if it's something I want to touch on before we start

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coaching for the night. Let's see. Give me one second.

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Yeah. One thing I do want to mention that this is something, you know,

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when we're in the community and we're seeing people posting and it looks like somebody's

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just getting all the dates. It looks like you're not getting any dates or they just got it going

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on. They love like everybody's at a different pace. Oh, hey, Sandy, new to face too as well.

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So happy. I was wondering, but your name looks so familiar to me and I don't know why. I don't

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know if it's because you're a Zimmerman or what? I'm not sure. I did. I've posted in the,

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okay, on the community. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Welcome. So glad you're here. Thank you for letting me know.

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Mm-hmm. Okay. But everybody's at a different pace and one, the way I may coach one person

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may not be the way I coach you. And it's not a favoritism thing. It's just that that person

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may have been on this journey a little bit longer. Maybe we've talked about dates in the past.

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Maybe there's some areas that they need to grow in that has nothing to do with you.

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Right. And so sometimes we'll think, well, you told them to do this and you're telling me to do

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that. Well, you're two different people with two different personalities with two different areas

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of growth that need to happen. And so, um, your situation may be where you don't need to say

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something else to the guy. And this other person may need to say something to the guy, because

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I know from working with them and they know that I'm pushing them to go a little bit above and

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beyond because it's needed in their particular situation. So I hope that makes sense. So when

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you start seeing some things look a little different, that's what it is. You guys don't

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be concerned or be, uh, don't feel bad if you're taking, we call them baby steps. Dating is scary.

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Anybody, raise your hand. If you know that dating can be scary, like coming out, it's like time to

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start dating and even don't know how long you've been doing it. Every situation is so different.

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That's right. Yes. Dating. So you guys don't feel like you should know this stuff and you

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should have it all together. When you start watching the videos and you hear Jackie say,

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it's a yes to us. No. When you hear yourself say, well, what, what that means?

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That's a normal question.

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It's the same question I said when I was in the program.

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What does a yes, tell us a no mean?

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Their response always is,

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yeah, it's a yes, tell us a no.

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That means, it's a yes, I'll meet you for coffee.

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If the conversation was good,

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it's a yes, I'll go to lunch with you.

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Then when you get to lunch and they start

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saying inappropriate things to you,

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then it becomes a no.

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It's a yes, tell us a no.

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Not from the very beginning.

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Oh, I don't know.

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He, I don't know.

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He, I don't even know if he goes to church.

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I don't know.

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I don't know.

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I don't, I don't really like the job he has.

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He's not my type.

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I can tell.

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Oh, he's too short.

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I don't want him.

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We're coming away from that.

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Ladies, when we're looking on these dating sites

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or you want to approach somebody in person

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because dating sites are not the only way you can date.

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It's just an easy way.

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You know, you just get the flip,

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but it has its ebbs and flows.

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It has all of that.

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It can get on your nerves and you need to stop for a while.

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Like it's all of that and then some.

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Nobody on this coaching session believes that it is.

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Woo, put me on a dating site.

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Not true.

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But what I was gonna say is,

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oh, it took my thoughts away from me.

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I took them away.

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I can't remember.

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Anyway, can y'all hear my background really well?

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No, good.

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Okay, I think that's what threw me out of my background.

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Anyway, so it's a yes until it's a no.

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Get to know people.

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Oh, you're not dating for a husband.

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I know you believe that you are, but you're not.

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You're dating for capacity for your husband.

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Now, some of you guys are gonna accept that

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and some of you guys aren't.

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But whether you accept it or not,

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if you go on every date asking yourself 50 million times

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if this is the one, you're gonna judge him harshly.

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You're gonna pick him apart

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and you're gonna have expectations

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that you never should have had out of a complete stranger.

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Because at the end of the day, you don't know him.

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He doesn't know you.

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He's just another person.

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And the quicker you see him as an individual,

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the more you will enjoy your dating experience.

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So this is my rule of thumb.

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I tell myself half over and over, he is not my husband.

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And you should do the same.

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Because this is the stage where you get to date

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and build capacity.

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And when you hear thoughts come up in your mind,

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like, I don't wanna waste my time.

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I want you to get a different perception

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and understand that when someone invests in themselves,

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it is never wasting your time.

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Every person needs to know how to build

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healthy connections and communication.

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You should not be on your first date

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divulging everything about your life,

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your mom or them, your dad or them, and your cousin

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to somebody you do not know.

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You are not that deep.

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You're not operating in wisdom.

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We do not throw our pearls before swine.

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We give them to a trusted community who values us.

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This man doesn't know you, nor does he value you

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because he doesn't know you to value you.

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And he's not gonna value you just because you're a woman.

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You're a person that he wants to get to know.

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And as he gets to know you,

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he's gonna see the value that you are.

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Got it?

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Just a few little hints.

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Now we're gonna move on from there.

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But I wanted to give you guys that quick introduction

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because that's a hard thing when you date,

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expecting every person to be the one.

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It's a hard thing to date.

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Every man you click on, you like, uh-uh.

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Is he the, ooh, he don't make enough.

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Ooh, ooh, you just tear him apart all the way down.

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Now you don't know if he's an entrepreneur.

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You don't know what type of stuff he's working on.

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You don't know the genius of a mind that he has.

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You don't know how when the two of you guys come together,

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how much fun you can have.

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You don't know any of those things.

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You don't know how he's gonna challenge you

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when he makes that inappropriate comment to you

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and you have to advocate for yourself

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and stand up for yourself and say,

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we don't make comments like that.

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Every, most women, we've been trained to be nice.

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And it's so hard for women to say,

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could you not say that to me?

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Please don't talk to me that way.

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I don't appreciate when you talk to me that way.

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Now, it's easy for us to get mad and block

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and, oh no, he did not.

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But we find it harder to say,

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hey, you know that comment you just made?

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It felt very dishonoring and I would like it

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if you didn't mention it again.

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And then you continue in the conversation.

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Why would you do that?

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Because you wanna see how well

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this man can honor boundaries.

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You wanna see if he's gonna say,

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oh, I didn't realize that that was offensive.

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Please forgive me.

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Can we keep moving forward so I can just get to know you?

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You can get opportunities like that

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and it strengthens you, it gives you capacity

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because when you get married,

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if anybody's been married before,

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I've been married and divorced before,

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you have to know how to set boundaries

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in any relationship you're in.

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I don't care if it's your children,

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if it's your mom and your dad,

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your sister, your brother, and especially.

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actually the person that you're gonna be married to.

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They're still gonna be human.

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They're not gonna be a replica of you.

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They're not gonna think like you and act like you.

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They're gonna have core foundational things just like you

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because this was this.

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But all those other things,

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they're still gonna be their own person, okay?

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So we're gonna move into coaching.

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So that means you can ask any question

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you would like to ask and I will do my best to answer.

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And while you guys are getting those questions together,

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hands are going up, I'm gonna pray, Lord,

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I thank you for the questions

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that's on the hearts of your ladies on tonight.

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I thank you that we have solutions from heaven

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that target everything that each person needs to know.

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And we just thank you for that right now

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in Jesus name, amen.

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Okay, go for it, Laurie.

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And our new ladies,

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if you have any questions about the program, the videos,

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don't forget to watch one, try to watch one a week.

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You can ask those questions.

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This is all about you, okay?

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All right, go ahead, Laurie.

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Okay, so like I had serious breakthrough this week.

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It was so incredible.

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I went from going on this date with a guy

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that I was super interested in,

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but then my anxious attachment came up.

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And we both, we've had communication since

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and really thought like he fell off

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and at any rate, I had this opportunity

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and I knew that that's what I was doing.

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I could really sense it.

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So I really leaned into the Lord for an encounter.

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And I had this incredible encounter with the Lord

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in a memory where my father walked away.

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And it was just, it was an encountering the Lord

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and just seeing God where he was in that moment

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and the things he did and said in that memory

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were just super powerful.

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And so just like bawled my eyes out.

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But at any rate, then I'm like, oh, darn it.

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Like I ruined it, like he's gone.

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Well, after I started, you know,

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pain drove me to pick up a book.

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I know we don't make recommendations on here,

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but it's on empowering men and like empowering men

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in our actions as women.

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And it provided so many shifts for me.

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And I realized that I was trying to compete with men

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and that I was feeling like he does this,

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you know, he's a lot of it has to do

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with around like work position or whatever

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and feeling like I needed to be, you know,

245
00:12:42.540 --> 00:12:47.220
in the same sort of space that he's in.

246
00:12:47.220 --> 00:12:49.780
And this totally shifted my thinking.

247
00:12:49.780 --> 00:12:51.920
And all of a sudden everything opened up.

248
00:12:52.280 --> 00:12:55.120
So then I also went up North

249
00:12:55.120 --> 00:12:58.280
and stayed in a cottage for like four days.

250
00:12:58.280 --> 00:13:01.760
And I literally practice all these things

251
00:13:01.760 --> 00:13:03.080
that I learned in this book.

252
00:13:03.080 --> 00:13:06.440
And I, it's like the whole world opened up.

253
00:13:06.440 --> 00:13:08.620
I realized that I was treating,

254
00:13:08.620 --> 00:13:11.600
also treating men like they were misbehaving

255
00:13:11.600 --> 00:13:15.440
and had all these, just all these thoughts

256
00:13:15.440 --> 00:13:20.440
and words in my mind that I would call them in my mind

257
00:13:20.760 --> 00:13:22.520
that I had all these negative thoughts

258
00:13:22.520 --> 00:13:24.480
because of that heart wound.

259
00:13:24.480 --> 00:13:27.080
And so like, just all this awareness came up

260
00:13:27.080 --> 00:13:29.960
and I literally like would go out and about.

261
00:13:29.960 --> 00:13:32.880
And like one time I went back to a resort that we,

262
00:13:32.880 --> 00:13:35.360
one of the nights I went back to a resort that we stayed at

263
00:13:35.360 --> 00:13:38.240
and set up at the bar and had like a drink

264
00:13:38.240 --> 00:13:39.600
and there's like boats and stuff.

265
00:13:39.600 --> 00:13:44.080
And I literally had guys across the bar going,

266
00:13:44.080 --> 00:13:46.920
come over here, like, come on, like, come over here.

267
00:13:46.920 --> 00:13:50.400
And I'm like, oh my gosh, I have never in my entire life

268
00:13:51.240 --> 00:13:52.080
had anything like this happen.

269
00:13:52.080 --> 00:13:54.400
And I just was like, you know, thanks.

270
00:13:54.400 --> 00:13:56.360
Cause I'm, and they were good looking,

271
00:13:56.360 --> 00:14:00.080
but I was just like, I didn't, anyway.

272
00:14:00.080 --> 00:14:03.160
So maybe like a half an hour, 45 minutes

273
00:14:03.160 --> 00:14:04.320
and they did it again.

274
00:14:04.320 --> 00:14:06.280
So I thought, oh my gosh, all right.

275
00:14:06.280 --> 00:14:09.060
So I went over, I'm like, just to practice,

276
00:14:09.060 --> 00:14:11.600
I'll just go over and just practice relating to them.

277
00:14:11.600 --> 00:14:15.940
It's not like, it's more like a boating club

278
00:14:15.940 --> 00:14:17.160
sort of scenario.

279
00:14:17.160 --> 00:14:20.240
So it's not like bar, bar, but yeah,

280
00:14:21.080 --> 00:14:23.320
and then I took a walk along the beach

281
00:14:23.320 --> 00:14:25.960
and another man comes up to me

282
00:14:25.960 --> 00:14:27.880
and starts carrying on a conversation.

283
00:14:27.880 --> 00:14:30.400
And we talked for like 45 minutes

284
00:14:30.400 --> 00:14:33.120
and he gave me his number.

285
00:14:35.000 --> 00:14:38.400
So it's just like, oh, and also like I reached back,

286
00:14:38.400 --> 00:14:41.560
I, Steve, we call him the lumberjack guy,

287
00:14:41.560 --> 00:14:43.640
the one that I'm really, really interested in.

288
00:14:43.640 --> 00:14:47.560
So this is the guy I reached back out and I said,

289
00:14:47.560 --> 00:14:50.440
hey, can you help me understand why,

290
00:14:51.680 --> 00:14:53.560
what created the disconnection?

291
00:14:53.560 --> 00:14:56.640
And he wrote back like real soon.

292
00:14:56.640 --> 00:14:58.880
And then we went out on another date.

293
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:04.920
went out on a hike, and had a fantastic time and we connected

294
00:15:04.920 --> 00:15:09.360
and we're getting together again on Friday. So it's just like,

295
00:15:09.560 --> 00:15:16.520
and we've just had so many just because these the shift of like,

296
00:15:18.440 --> 00:15:20.680
I think really, it's like, I assume that you have a good

297
00:15:20.680 --> 00:15:23.240
reason for everything that you do. Can you help me understand

298
00:15:23.240 --> 00:15:27.600
what it is that that kind of narrative. So I'm just like, Oh,

299
00:15:27.600 --> 00:15:31.600
my word, like I was creating all these things in my mind about

300
00:15:34.920 --> 00:15:39.800
gosh, overlaying some filters that I've had about men. And

301
00:15:39.840 --> 00:15:46.320
he's not those filters at all. So very authentic. And yeah, so

302
00:15:46.320 --> 00:15:49.200
I'm excited to see where it goes. And I've also just had

303
00:15:49.200 --> 00:15:54.920
such a great opportunity to step back and just approach more like

304
00:15:54.920 --> 00:15:59.240
a friend. Yeah, he did after the hike asked if he could kiss

305
00:15:59.240 --> 00:16:05.120
me. Uh huh. And I'm like, like, I'm super attracted to him. And

306
00:16:05.120 --> 00:16:10.440
I said, I said, Yes, that's a possibility in the future. I'd

307
00:16:10.440 --> 00:16:15.360
like to get to know you more. Yeah, that was good. Lori. That

308
00:16:15.360 --> 00:16:20.440
was good. Like it was a fun connection. But I don't know

309
00:16:20.440 --> 00:16:25.960
you. That's right. Can you share? Give me one example of

310
00:16:25.960 --> 00:16:30.480
when you say treat me like they're misbehaving. What does

311
00:16:30.480 --> 00:16:31.040
that mean?

312
00:16:32.080 --> 00:16:33.400
Um,

313
00:16:36.920 --> 00:16:40.360
you know, I think men are just to the point. And maybe there's

314
00:16:40.360 --> 00:16:44.840
sometimes not as much emotion. I'm trying to think of

315
00:16:44.840 --> 00:16:45.840
what you're saying.

316
00:16:49.720 --> 00:16:52.840
So what you may say is actually quite and getting to know him.

317
00:16:52.840 --> 00:16:59.640
He's actually quite his language is quite connective. And he's a

318
00:16:59.640 --> 00:17:00.720
deep thinker.

319
00:17:01.440 --> 00:17:05.359
Okay, let me so let me ask. Yeah, let me ask him because

320
00:17:05.359 --> 00:17:08.280
this is not about him. Okay. This is not about your

321
00:17:08.280 --> 00:17:11.599
interaction with him. Yeah, I want to know when you said that

322
00:17:11.599 --> 00:17:14.599
I've never heard that before. So I wanted to know what is your

323
00:17:14.599 --> 00:17:18.160
definition of treating me like they're misbehaving? Because I

324
00:17:18.160 --> 00:17:20.359
wanted to see if there's something that all of those

325
00:17:20.359 --> 00:17:24.560
women can fall into doing. And so that's one example.

326
00:17:24.920 --> 00:17:27.280
No, I'm here. I'm trying to think of what a guy would do.

327
00:17:27.280 --> 00:17:30.840
But I would you know, I I call him a

328
00:17:31.400 --> 00:17:34.720
Lori, I'm not asking about what I just want to know. So I want

329
00:17:34.720 --> 00:17:37.920
you to think about it and put it in this group. I've never heard

330
00:17:37.920 --> 00:17:40.600
that before. So it's not me. I'm not even evaluating your

331
00:17:40.600 --> 00:17:43.680
behavior. I've never heard it before. And I want an example to

332
00:17:43.680 --> 00:17:47.600
see if I've also ever done it before. With the man just being

333
00:17:47.600 --> 00:17:51.880
who he is being different. What's the way that we can that

334
00:17:51.880 --> 00:17:54.760
you feel you felt in the past they were you treated them like

335
00:17:54.760 --> 00:17:57.880
they were misbehaving when they did what so that's the question

336
00:17:57.880 --> 00:18:00.120
answer this in the chat for me. So I can move to the next.

337
00:18:00.320 --> 00:18:03.480
Well, in the book, she was talking about basically men

338
00:18:03.840 --> 00:18:07.320
acting like hairy women, like we're expecting them to act like

339
00:18:07.320 --> 00:18:07.920
us.

340
00:18:08.720 --> 00:18:11.680
Oh, so when they don't act like us, we treat them like they're

341
00:18:11.680 --> 00:18:12.520
misbehaving.

342
00:18:12.640 --> 00:18:17.120
Yes. Okay. Okay. Okay. Gotcha. That was good. Thank you. Thank

343
00:18:17.120 --> 00:18:22.720
you, Lori. Stephanie. Stephanie Davis from New York who went on

344
00:18:22.720 --> 00:18:25.720
a date and she was looking fine. I don't know if y'all saw her on

345
00:18:25.720 --> 00:18:27.280
the community. Wow. But yeah,

346
00:18:27.760 --> 00:18:30.240
like a fine wine. I don't drink.

347
00:18:33.880 --> 00:18:36.760
Okay, so I've been waiting because I didn't get to join

348
00:18:36.760 --> 00:18:40.480
last exam and waiting so I could wrap up my text to this

349
00:18:40.480 --> 00:18:44.880
gentleman. So I saw a call a post. I don't know if you saw a

350
00:18:44.880 --> 00:18:49.120
response to mine. And so let me tell you my part and then you

351
00:18:49.120 --> 00:18:53.800
can give me a coaching. And I'm open to hear it. But I am

352
00:18:53.800 --> 00:18:58.120
willing to say if I'm wrong, I'm wrong. So how we have great

353
00:18:58.120 --> 00:19:01.000
conversation. We've been talking for a month, who went on the

354
00:19:01.000 --> 00:19:01.520
date.

355
00:19:03.080 --> 00:19:07.560
Last week, Wednesday, he picked the place and we went there. But

356
00:19:07.560 --> 00:19:11.320
he's always talking about money. Money is always his biggest

357
00:19:11.320 --> 00:19:17.880
concern. We went to the we went there and we talk and talk. The

358
00:19:17.880 --> 00:19:22.680
conversation was good. And then the bill came. When the bill

359
00:19:22.680 --> 00:19:28.840
came, he said, I only have $25. I need to call the $25 wallet,

360
00:19:28.840 --> 00:19:33.200
right. And I was like, okay, so I said, How much How much is my

361
00:19:33.200 --> 00:19:37.960
bill? And he told me that he called the waitress over and

362
00:19:38.560 --> 00:19:43.640
told and asked for a split bill. So that's my first thing. Then

363
00:19:43.640 --> 00:19:47.280
my second thing for that was the second thing that while we were

364
00:19:47.280 --> 00:19:53.080
on the date, he mentioned that he he would be a medication for

365
00:19:53.080 --> 00:20:00.000
the rest of his life. Because he has anxiety, p pts.

366
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:04.200
and he has chronic depression.

367
00:20:04.200 --> 00:20:06.120
So, I mean, I still talk to him

368
00:20:06.120 --> 00:20:07.800
because I didn't want to be rude

369
00:20:07.800 --> 00:20:11.780
because in my back of my head, I had a strange,

370
00:20:11.780 --> 00:20:14.540
I can't explain to you, I don't know why,

371
00:20:14.540 --> 00:20:17.840
but I had a strange instinct not for letting know

372
00:20:17.840 --> 00:20:20.720
like the car I drive and where I was.

373
00:20:20.720 --> 00:20:22.360
I can't tell you why.

374
00:20:22.360 --> 00:20:24.040
I don't know if I was just being paranoid

375
00:20:24.040 --> 00:20:25.680
or anything like that, but I had a strange,

376
00:20:25.680 --> 00:20:28.720
when he told me that, I actually did like,

377
00:20:28.720 --> 00:20:30.040
I didn't repent though.

378
00:20:30.040 --> 00:20:32.920
I told him I went away for a break.

379
00:20:32.920 --> 00:20:35.560
I had to be out there for 40 minutes

380
00:20:35.560 --> 00:20:39.080
before I went to my car, you know,

381
00:20:39.080 --> 00:20:40.680
because I told my son to drop me,

382
00:20:40.680 --> 00:20:43.360
but he was like, he had to work, so he couldn't drop me.

383
00:20:43.360 --> 00:20:45.840
And so that's what I did.

384
00:20:45.840 --> 00:20:49.760
So I, Collin said it was a yellow flag

385
00:20:50.780 --> 00:20:53.440
because of the, you know, splitting the bill.

386
00:20:54.440 --> 00:20:56.620
My son said, let's see a dodge a bullet,

387
00:20:56.620 --> 00:20:58.560
God save you, so let's move on.

388
00:20:59.400 --> 00:21:00.760
So that was his thing.

389
00:21:00.760 --> 00:21:03.000
He was like, listen, I don't care what those people,

390
00:21:03.000 --> 00:21:04.640
the coaches said, you need to move on.

391
00:21:04.640 --> 00:21:07.960
That God saved me from that, I need to do Matthew 633.

392
00:21:07.960 --> 00:21:10.720
He's like, that's what you need to do, nothing else.

393
00:21:10.720 --> 00:21:13.960
So I just want to hear your coaching on it

394
00:21:13.960 --> 00:21:16.640
because I have my email ready to send to him

395
00:21:16.640 --> 00:21:19.560
to like cut it off, but I just told him

396
00:21:19.560 --> 00:21:20.920
just give me some time to respond.

397
00:21:20.920 --> 00:21:23.900
He did ask me for a second date, which was good,

398
00:21:23.900 --> 00:21:26.960
but he's a great, he's a great conversationist.

399
00:21:26.960 --> 00:21:30.600
I love talking to him, but those are my two things.

400
00:21:30.600 --> 00:21:32.340
That's my two things.

401
00:21:32.340 --> 00:21:37.340
I'm sorry to cut you off, it was just funny

402
00:21:38.240 --> 00:21:40.140
watching Kathy doing this the whole time,

403
00:21:40.140 --> 00:21:45.140
you talking like, go ahead, unmute yourself, Stephanie.

404
00:21:46.720 --> 00:21:49.360
Oh no, I'm done, I just want, I want to hear,

405
00:21:49.360 --> 00:21:51.240
I want to, cause I, you know, cause it's something

406
00:21:51.240 --> 00:21:53.600
you overthink and you overreact,

407
00:21:53.600 --> 00:21:55.840
cause I haven't been on a date in 22 years.

408
00:21:55.840 --> 00:21:58.600
I don't remember what to do, what not to do.

409
00:21:58.600 --> 00:22:01.880
So this is, and I've never been coached a date before.

410
00:22:01.880 --> 00:22:02.720
Right.

411
00:22:02.720 --> 00:22:05.080
A guy see on the road and say, hey, I like you.

412
00:22:05.080 --> 00:22:06.320
And you're like, can I have your number?

413
00:22:06.320 --> 00:22:07.720
That's what I'm used to.

414
00:22:07.720 --> 00:22:09.400
So I never had done it this way.

415
00:22:09.400 --> 00:22:13.280
So I just want to make sure I'm applying what I'm learning

416
00:22:13.280 --> 00:22:14.920
and that I'm not overreacting.

417
00:22:14.920 --> 00:22:17.800
Cause I, I was like, I was, I was a little bit embarrassed

418
00:22:17.800 --> 00:22:19.640
cause, cause I told the waitress,

419
00:22:19.640 --> 00:22:21.240
cause I didn't know who he was.

420
00:22:21.240 --> 00:22:22.600
And I told him just give an eye on me

421
00:22:22.600 --> 00:22:24.240
just in case of anything.

422
00:22:24.240 --> 00:22:26.600
And you know, the lady, the lady, the hostess say,

423
00:22:26.600 --> 00:22:27.760
hey, kick him to the curb.

424
00:22:27.760 --> 00:22:30.880
Yes, he paid, he didn't want to pay the bill.

425
00:22:30.880 --> 00:22:34.000
And I felt so embarrassed being there at a restaurant

426
00:22:34.000 --> 00:22:37.640
that you pick, and my bill was only $21 and 60 cents.

427
00:22:37.640 --> 00:22:40.360
You could not spend $21 and 60 cents.

428
00:22:40.360 --> 00:22:42.880
So that, that, you know, so I don't know.

429
00:22:42.880 --> 00:22:43.720
Okay.

430
00:22:43.720 --> 00:22:44.560
Okay, good.

431
00:22:44.560 --> 00:22:46.800
I think you had a great experience.

432
00:22:46.800 --> 00:22:48.040
I'm really happy for you.

433
00:22:48.040 --> 00:22:49.760
You look really good.

434
00:22:49.760 --> 00:22:51.840
Would I have liked him to pay for your meal?

435
00:22:51.840 --> 00:22:52.880
Yes.

436
00:22:52.880 --> 00:22:54.120
But what I want you to,

437
00:22:54.120 --> 00:22:56.840
I want to dig into when you say,

438
00:22:56.840 --> 00:22:59.120
you could have paid for my bill.

439
00:23:00.280 --> 00:23:01.640
When you just said, whatever you said,

440
00:23:01.640 --> 00:23:02.720
I can't remember the exact words,

441
00:23:02.720 --> 00:23:04.560
but it sounded like, you felt like

442
00:23:04.560 --> 00:23:06.080
it was something against you,

443
00:23:06.080 --> 00:23:08.160
the reason why he didn't pay the bill.

444
00:23:08.160 --> 00:23:09.160
Like you were embarrassed,

445
00:23:09.160 --> 00:23:11.720
you were embarrassed that he didn't pay the bill.

446
00:23:12.840 --> 00:23:15.400
No, because I was, I was embarrassed.

447
00:23:15.400 --> 00:23:16.240
Hear me out.

448
00:23:16.240 --> 00:23:20.120
I was embarrassed because he took a $25 to pay.

449
00:23:20.120 --> 00:23:21.520
But Stephanie, hear me out.

450
00:23:22.040 --> 00:23:22.880
Okay.

451
00:23:22.880 --> 00:23:23.720
Hear me out.

452
00:23:23.720 --> 00:23:25.480
What I want us to do is to make sure

453
00:23:25.480 --> 00:23:30.480
that you're assigning him whatever shame belongs to him.

454
00:23:31.920 --> 00:23:33.560
And whether he picks up some or not,

455
00:23:33.560 --> 00:23:34.800
it's not your shame.

456
00:23:34.800 --> 00:23:36.440
It could feel like this man took me out

457
00:23:36.440 --> 00:23:38.680
and maybe he don't even feel like I'm worth $21.

458
00:23:38.680 --> 00:23:42.360
Because what you said was, it was just $21.

459
00:23:42.360 --> 00:23:44.600
Like, at least he could have paid for my meal for two.

460
00:23:44.600 --> 00:23:45.680
Was I not worth it?

461
00:23:45.680 --> 00:23:47.800
Just $21.

462
00:23:47.800 --> 00:23:50.160
That could be the cake that you could be,

463
00:23:50.160 --> 00:23:53.640
I want you to make sure that you don't hear that in you.

464
00:23:53.640 --> 00:23:55.240
And if you are hearing that,

465
00:23:55.240 --> 00:23:57.600
I want to clean that up for you.

466
00:23:57.600 --> 00:24:00.920
His lack of paying or his resistance to paying for the bill

467
00:24:00.920 --> 00:24:02.240
or not paying for the bill,

468
00:24:02.240 --> 00:24:05.160
Stephanie does not reflect your worth or value.

469
00:24:06.440 --> 00:24:07.920
Okay.

470
00:24:07.920 --> 00:24:10.960
And if he doesn't have money to date,

471
00:24:10.960 --> 00:24:12.920
then he shouldn't be dating.

472
00:24:12.920 --> 00:24:14.600
And so that's your answer.

473
00:24:14.600 --> 00:24:17.240
You let him know, thanks for the time,

474
00:24:17.240 --> 00:24:19.520
but you don't see this going any further

475
00:24:19.520 --> 00:24:21.520
because he's not in a position to date.

476
00:24:23.080 --> 00:24:25.720
But I want to make sure that you're not assigning

477
00:24:25.720 --> 00:24:29.080
his lack of finances to your value or worth.

478
00:24:33.000 --> 00:24:33.960
You follow me?

479
00:24:33.960 --> 00:24:34.800
Yes.

480
00:24:34.800 --> 00:24:36.240
I thought you were going to have my hand.

481
00:24:36.240 --> 00:24:37.080
Thank you.

482
00:24:37.080 --> 00:24:38.840
Because I've been waiting for this class to text me.

483
00:24:38.840 --> 00:24:40.960
Oh no, another thing.

484
00:24:40.960 --> 00:24:43.440
I thought you were going to be like, it's a yellow,

485
00:24:43.440 --> 00:24:47.200
it's a, another thing I want to mention too,

486
00:24:47.200 --> 00:24:51.080
so my ex-husband put me in a financial ruin.

487
00:24:51.080 --> 00:24:53.840
Wait a minute, Stephanie, hold up, hold up.

488
00:24:53.840 --> 00:24:56.760
So what I want to say is to finish up that thought

489
00:24:56.760 --> 00:25:00.080
is this ladies, you go on a date.

490
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:04.960
with someone i do want you to run it by us as coaches because some of y'all be cutting folks

491
00:25:04.960 --> 00:25:10.560
out for no reason you just do you go looking for some baby y'all go like this a detective

492
00:25:10.560 --> 00:25:16.800
do it do it watch i cut you out y'all go in there because you go in there you go in there ready to

493
00:25:16.800 --> 00:25:24.000
cut a joker oh but if you go on a date and you did not have a good time it's something

494
00:25:24.560 --> 00:25:29.680
dress it's something happened that like you run it by and be like hey if you didn't like it you

495
00:25:29.680 --> 00:25:36.800
just didn't like it sometimes it's just like that and you don't have to feel obligated to go on a

496
00:25:36.800 --> 00:25:41.280
second date stephan that's why i told you let me finish up this statement and so this man didn't

497
00:25:41.280 --> 00:25:49.680
pay for the food you know and he pulled out 25 and this is all i got you know and so you have

498
00:25:49.680 --> 00:25:56.080
to make a judgment call says okay he wants to go on another date with me but he's not gonna he's

499
00:25:56.080 --> 00:26:00.720
not gonna treat me like a woman you know like i feel like i should be treated as a woman like oh

500
00:26:00.720 --> 00:26:05.520
no i'm not gonna go out with him again and you get to make that decision without having to back it up

501
00:26:05.520 --> 00:26:12.000
with something does that make sense ladies like that's a decision that you can you can make a

502
00:26:12.000 --> 00:26:18.400
call you don't need no more evidence to make that call so stephanie also when he said he struggled

503
00:26:18.400 --> 00:26:28.080
with depression ptsd and whatever is he sound crazy you as a woman who is vulnerable and this

504
00:26:28.080 --> 00:26:33.360
man is stronger than you and you don't know him it's nothing wrong with a person struggling with

505
00:26:33.360 --> 00:26:39.680
anxiety depression and ptsd that's a real thing but when you're talking about your safety as a

506
00:26:39.680 --> 00:26:45.440
woman out on a date with a man that you don't know that's gonna cause you to draw back you

507
00:26:45.520 --> 00:26:50.320
should draw back because that's the nature of a woman and you no longer feel safe

508
00:26:52.080 --> 00:27:00.000
men that was a lot to share i have a friend very one of my best friends he's in the military he's

509
00:27:00.000 --> 00:27:06.160
he's retired from the military now but because he was in combat his whole time he was a sniper

510
00:27:06.160 --> 00:27:13.840
that's all he did was kill people that was his job he has to take pills just to sleep at night so

511
00:27:13.840 --> 00:27:18.880
he can't sleep so he won't have dreams of the things that they've done and the children they

512
00:27:18.880 --> 00:27:25.680
slaughter and things that they have to do in the name of duty and he struggles with ptsd he

513
00:27:25.680 --> 00:27:29.920
struggles with depression he struggles with things after any woman that would have to be with him

514
00:27:29.920 --> 00:27:38.560
he at least four days a week he can't process he's no count like and he spent 30 some years

515
00:27:39.440 --> 00:27:46.000
being a killer it has cost his mental health so i'm saying i'll let to say this when he starts

516
00:27:46.000 --> 00:27:50.480
when he meets a new woman i had to stop him from that the first thing he would do was tell her all

517
00:27:50.480 --> 00:27:58.000
those things because he said he wanted her to know it's like he's saying this is the horrible thing

518
00:27:58.000 --> 00:28:05.600
about me here it is run now if you want to run and i had to start training him that you don't

519
00:28:05.600 --> 00:28:09.680
do that you don't know this woman you share these things with people you feel safe with

520
00:28:11.440 --> 00:28:16.480
but he's a respectful honorable man but men don't understand and sometimes they lay all this stuff

521
00:28:16.480 --> 00:28:21.920
out so he can be like look here you go i you want to go ahead with me go for me or not if you're

522
00:28:21.920 --> 00:28:26.320
gonna count me out this is what you count me out on so i just want to add that go ahead stephanie

523
00:28:26.320 --> 00:28:30.640
so ladies that's how something like that can happen that's why men lay stuff out so quickly

524
00:28:30.640 --> 00:28:33.600
they'll start talking about they were divorced they was this they don't have nobody coaching

525
00:28:33.600 --> 00:28:37.200
them and they feel like let's just get it all out in the open i don't care what they get out

526
00:28:37.200 --> 00:28:44.240
in the open don't you get nothing out in the open this is like okay what i did i when he told me that

527
00:28:44.240 --> 00:28:51.120
i just i went back to the word i told him like i directed that way jesus healed you because i i

528
00:28:51.120 --> 00:28:55.760
i've never dealt with anybody telling me that right up front we didn't know so i know we weren't

529
00:28:55.760 --> 00:29:02.080
supposed to be talking about bible but i was like that was a that was a moment to plug christ there

530
00:29:02.080 --> 00:29:08.320
and i plugged him and hopefully you know that was able to help him and you know as i said he's a

531
00:29:08.320 --> 00:29:15.680
sweet guy but he's just not the guy for me right so he's a sweet guy but he's just not the guy for

532
00:29:15.680 --> 00:29:22.720
me and that's what i'm learning yeah um a man not paying for you just to be clear is not a flag

533
00:29:22.720 --> 00:29:28.640
it's not a red flag or it could be cannabis he don't want to pay for you it's like

534
00:29:28.640 --> 00:29:38.320
oh it's gonna make you go right and so i don't know if it's a flag it's definitely not a red flag

535
00:29:39.280 --> 00:29:54.480
um yeah um i'm yeah i don't want to say i've gone on dates before and we split the bill

536
00:29:54.480 --> 00:29:59.760
um for me at that stage in my dating that was

537
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:06.400
early stages a while ago and I felt safer that way because at the time I

538
00:30:06.400 --> 00:30:10.200
didn't want to feel like I owed him something and I wouldn't be able to say

539
00:30:10.200 --> 00:30:14.640
no. That was how I guarded myself. I'm not telling you to do that. You shouldn't let

540
00:30:14.640 --> 00:30:20.280
me take the lead. But if I said that I went on a date with somebody and I split

541
00:30:20.280 --> 00:30:25.200
the bill, I've done that before. So it didn't feel like a yellow flag to me. But

542
00:30:25.200 --> 00:30:28.620
I've also gone on dates with men and taken a check. I weigh out a lot of

543
00:30:28.620 --> 00:30:36.000
things. When women go on dates with men, men are always expected to carry the

544
00:30:36.000 --> 00:30:41.400
bill. It is the chivalrous thing to do. It is the man-like thing to do. But I

545
00:30:41.400 --> 00:30:46.840
recognize that men go on a lot of dates and they may pay a lot of first meals

546
00:30:46.840 --> 00:30:52.280
for women who may not ever talk to them again. And so we just suggest you go on a

547
00:30:52.280 --> 00:30:57.920
coffee date and don't do lunch. And if it's not gonna be coffee, do lunch or do

548
00:30:57.920 --> 00:31:02.000
dinner, big tickets. If they ask you to go, then they've asked to go like he

549
00:31:02.000 --> 00:31:05.600
asked Stephanie. You would think he would have picked up the bill, you know, but he

550
00:31:05.600 --> 00:31:09.320
didn't. So if you're gonna suggest a date, how about just suggest a coffee date and

551
00:31:09.320 --> 00:31:18.360
then, you know. Did he tell you he didn't have money before the date, Jane says?

552
00:31:18.400 --> 00:31:23.320
No, he just, so I spoke to Carla a couple times. I mentioned it because he's

553
00:31:23.320 --> 00:31:27.960
always, he says he's frugal, he's conservative with money, but he was

554
00:31:27.960 --> 00:31:32.760
spending on that. So I thought it was a red flag at first, but she said, she said

555
00:31:32.760 --> 00:31:36.560
it might be a poverty mindset. So I was like, okay, let me just not, because you

556
00:31:36.560 --> 00:31:41.520
know, everything is turned down and I thought I was being picky. And so I said,

557
00:31:41.520 --> 00:31:44.840
let me just go and try. I was excited because I thought it was great to break

558
00:31:44.840 --> 00:31:51.040
the ice. That was it. Just break the ice and go. Yeah, I'm glad, yeah, I'm glad you

559
00:31:51.040 --> 00:31:54.280
went on the date and I think that if you want to go ahead and call it quits, don't

560
00:31:54.280 --> 00:31:57.280
want to go on another date with this guy, you have the right to do that. You did

561
00:31:57.280 --> 00:32:02.240
not have a good experience with him. That did not feel good and you can say, no,

562
00:32:02.240 --> 00:32:06.920
I'm just happy you went on the date. That's that, it's a yes till it's a no. Now

563
00:32:06.920 --> 00:32:12.720
it's a no for you. And I think you did well and you bounced back quickly. You was

564
00:32:12.720 --> 00:32:19.440
like, okay, I paid for my food. You know, he need to get his love money up. He

565
00:32:19.440 --> 00:32:25.440
want to go on dates. He need to go get some cow foot tea. How do you feel about

566
00:32:25.440 --> 00:32:33.240
this, Stephanie? I'm fine. Some of the things that you said, my son said it to

567
00:32:33.240 --> 00:32:39.320
me, he was like, he was like, you mommy, if that part, you dodge a bullet, you, you

568
00:32:39.320 --> 00:32:43.800
know, and, and stuff like that. And he was like, basically, you don't know if he

569
00:32:43.800 --> 00:32:46.720
had paid for the day, if there was going to be something in returning water,

570
00:32:46.720 --> 00:32:51.760
because he did bring up sex on the date. And I was like, no, not asking me for

571
00:32:51.760 --> 00:32:59.400
sex. He just casually slipped it in. And I was like, casually, you're not my type

572
00:32:59.400 --> 00:33:04.920
to even go there with it. But, um, he brought it up and I, I, I redirect it

573
00:33:04.920 --> 00:33:10.360
quickly. So I didn't go anywhere further. And, but I, you know, some of those

574
00:33:10.360 --> 00:33:15.440
things, it was just, as I said, I didn't know what to expect on a date with,

575
00:33:15.480 --> 00:33:20.720
because I haven't been there for a little while. And so what I did, as I said, I

576
00:33:20.720 --> 00:33:27.440
went to learn me. I didn't, I went to learn me. So I would know what my

577
00:33:27.440 --> 00:33:32.480
boundaries are, what to look for, what to say. So now next time I know when I'm

578
00:33:32.480 --> 00:33:37.440
going, I try to arrange a date when my son is free. So just, he can drop me and

579
00:33:37.440 --> 00:33:41.480
wait to the parking lot. So if we want to go, we just drive off together for my

580
00:33:41.480 --> 00:33:46.240
own sake, until I'm sure. Because most of the guys are online and you know, it's,

581
00:33:46.280 --> 00:33:50.400
New York is pretty big. So, you know, you just want to make sure, because he looks

582
00:33:50.400 --> 00:33:55.360
pretty normal. If he didn't tell me he was on medication, I wouldn't, he looks so

583
00:33:55.360 --> 00:34:00.480
normal. And all I, all I, when he was across the table, I just thought he could

584
00:34:00.920 --> 00:34:05.200
just stretch over and choke me. And it was like that freak, no, it freaked me

585
00:34:05.200 --> 00:34:10.400
out. You just like, Oh, I'm just want to let you know, I'm on medication for the

586
00:34:10.400 --> 00:34:14.800
rest of my life. He didn't say for six months, on the rest of my life, Xanax is

587
00:34:14.800 --> 00:34:23.760
a strong pill. Listen, it is a very, this is a very scary. I'm the only one my son

588
00:34:23.760 --> 00:34:29.639
have. I have to make sure I do this thing right. But it taught me what the

589
00:34:29.639 --> 00:34:31.080
boundaries I need to put in place.

590
00:34:31.120 --> 00:34:35.239
That's right. That's right. Gotcha. Thank you, Steph. No, you did good. I look

591
00:34:35.239 --> 00:34:38.560
forward to hearing about your next date. Because once they start, baby, they just

592
00:34:38.560 --> 00:34:43.600
roll in. You'll see once you break the ice, you kind of go like this. Helen.

593
00:34:47.960 --> 00:34:53.040
Oh, hi. Hey, girl. I thought someone else was, was in front of me. So I just want

594
00:34:53.040 --> 00:34:57.040
to make sure I didn't jump anybody. Well, I try to write your names down as you

595
00:34:57.040 --> 00:34:59.960
come up. If I do it, y'all is I don't

596
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:09.480
try to do it. Okay. All right. Okay. Um, sorry if I jumped ahead of it. Um, so just two questions,

597
00:35:09.480 --> 00:35:16.320
I guess. Um, so fairly new to face to first question is, um, there's this guy that I like

598
00:35:16.320 --> 00:35:21.200
at my church and, um, just, we just say hi to each other. We know each other's names,

599
00:35:21.200 --> 00:35:26.800
but nothing beyond that. Um, I have a couple of friends that's been praying over me a friend.

600
00:35:26.800 --> 00:35:31.640
That's a couple that's been praying over me. And they went and asked one of the other

601
00:35:31.640 --> 00:35:37.160
people that serve with him about him. Um, which I thought was cool. And they're on my

602
00:35:37.160 --> 00:35:41.600
team kind of thing. And I'm so grateful for that. It turns out that he's divorced, which

603
00:35:41.600 --> 00:35:46.760
is okay with me. I has, he has six kids, which one of my friends told me that I was like,

604
00:35:46.760 --> 00:35:51.840
I thought he was kidding. Um, when he said that and I was like, and then I was like,

605
00:35:51.840 --> 00:36:00.600
you're serious. And he's like, are you ready for that? And his wife was like, Helen, you,

606
00:36:00.600 --> 00:36:04.320
that's a lot, but it's on you, but that's a lot. So anyway, there's that question. And

607
00:36:04.320 --> 00:36:10.840
the second thing is, um, I'm on the arc, is it called arc arc? Y'all, um, recommended

608
00:36:10.840 --> 00:36:17.120
and, um, I've been sending notes and likes stuff and some responses, but not much from

609
00:36:17.120 --> 00:36:20.960
those that I expected the people that I, that look like they're really walking with God

610
00:36:20.960 --> 00:36:24.960
on there and what marriage, cause you can put, you know, your goals and things like

611
00:36:24.960 --> 00:36:30.400
that, but not much of a response that I would expect. And thank you for saying, first of

612
00:36:30.400 --> 00:36:36.480
all, everybody's on the same, is on a different pace. So don't compare. And then just because

613
00:36:36.480 --> 00:36:40.280
some, even if you do match with somebody that doesn't mean that's could be, that's your

614
00:36:40.280 --> 00:36:46.400
husband, right, right off the bat. So anyway, yeah. But my two things. Yeah. So do you,

615
00:36:46.400 --> 00:36:52.120
are you asking about the guy from church? Are you asking if we think this, if they

616
00:36:52.120 --> 00:36:57.880
have an opinion about how many kids or you were just sharing? Yeah. Yeah. Because six,

617
00:36:57.880 --> 00:37:02.320
he looks like he's in his, probably I'm guessing forties. So I'm guessing there's probably

618
00:37:02.320 --> 00:37:13.080
some younger kids in there. What's that? Do you have kids? I don't, I just saw that comment.

619
00:37:13.080 --> 00:37:20.440
I don't, I don't, but I really want some. And I, I, I don't mind being a step-mom or

620
00:37:20.440 --> 00:37:28.680
foster mom. I guess I, I didn't anticipate that someone could have that many age, you

621
00:37:28.680 --> 00:37:37.960
know? Yeah. How old are you? I'm 50. Okay. Oh, okay. My, this is what she said. She said,

622
00:37:37.960 --> 00:37:41.840
Helen, I ain't trying to shoot. She was like putting myself in my shoes, my friend's wife.

623
00:37:41.840 --> 00:37:46.560
And she goes, I ain't going to jail for nobody because just because of the way the world

624
00:37:46.560 --> 00:37:55.080
is with the way you guys all know how crazy it is. Now you discipline your kid for a little

625
00:37:55.080 --> 00:37:59.520
thing and they call somebody called CPS, blah, blah, blah, blah, that whole thing, especially

626
00:37:59.520 --> 00:38:05.680
in California. Anyway, it's really bad. So yeah, everybody thinks I'm younger than 50.

627
00:38:05.680 --> 00:38:15.760
So, um, so she's like, do you want to, um, have six kids? I don't know. I want kids. I don't know,

628
00:38:15.760 --> 00:38:21.360
but I don't know about six. I don't know what six, I don't know about that. I think, you know,

629
00:38:21.360 --> 00:38:28.480
let's try it again. I just want a yes or no. Do you want six kids? Once that are not mine? No,

630
00:38:29.200 --> 00:38:32.720
no. Well, that's your answer. Then you probably not want to get involved in it.

631
00:38:33.280 --> 00:38:41.040
Right. But if they're grown, maybe, I don't know. Well, maybe having kids when he was 15

632
00:38:41.040 --> 00:38:47.120
and the youngest is 30. I'm just kidding. I don't know. Well, well, maybe this is your answer.

633
00:38:47.120 --> 00:38:53.200
I want to talk to him to see for myself. You know, you can do that. You can still

634
00:38:53.200 --> 00:38:58.000
go on a coffee date with him and he can tell you about his six children.

635
00:38:58.080 --> 00:39:01.760
You don't, you don't have to count them out. They could be, he could just have two that are still,

636
00:39:01.760 --> 00:39:07.600
um, you know, under a certain age. And then you already get to have grandchildren,

637
00:39:09.360 --> 00:39:13.360
you know, some of his children may be married. So I think that if you want to make that

638
00:39:13.360 --> 00:39:17.840
determination for yourself, is nothing wrong with you. I think sometimes we think, well,

639
00:39:17.840 --> 00:39:22.720
if I ask him out for coffee, I've already crossed over a line and I have to make all of this

640
00:39:23.200 --> 00:39:27.440
decision going in. And that's not true. Or if I ask him coffee, he's going to know I'm like him.

641
00:39:27.440 --> 00:39:30.480
Then I'm going to tell him I really don't want to get to like him because he got six kids. And so I

642
00:39:30.480 --> 00:39:35.680
better make a decision right now about his six kids. Well, we got to get rid of that thinking

643
00:39:35.680 --> 00:39:41.520
because you may accept his six kids, but not like him. It doesn't matter that he loves Jesus. Don't

644
00:39:41.520 --> 00:39:47.440
mean you're going to like him. You see what I'm saying? And so either way it's going to be,

645
00:39:47.440 --> 00:39:51.760
it's going to, you're going to cross over a line. And I think that's the way it is.

646
00:39:51.760 --> 00:39:56.640
You're going to cross the chicken line and you're an adult and he's an adult,

647
00:39:56.640 --> 00:39:59.840
and you're just going to say, Hey, let's grab a cup of coffee.

648
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:04.640
You're really trying to get to know him. That's your brother in Christ. That's all you know about him right now

649
00:40:05.040 --> 00:40:07.040
And that's all that really matters

650
00:40:08.400 --> 00:40:09.360
And you would

651
00:40:09.360 --> 00:40:11.360
I think you would have a safe coffee day

652
00:40:12.080 --> 00:40:16.880
I think we live in the day and age especially in the church if you if you as a girl, especially if you ask

653
00:40:17.520 --> 00:40:21.600
I guess both ways if you ask somebody out for coffee that you might as well have proposed marriage

654
00:40:22.140 --> 00:40:24.140
exactly, you know i'm saying so

655
00:40:24.720 --> 00:40:28.000
I think other ladies on here can appreciate that in the church. It's just

656
00:40:28.720 --> 00:40:31.440
Yeah, how to just relate like that for them

657
00:40:32.400 --> 00:40:36.880
And so if you wanna if you wanna have that coffee date with that young man, you know

658
00:40:37.600 --> 00:40:39.600
Go for it

659
00:40:40.640 --> 00:40:41.440
Okay

660
00:40:41.440 --> 00:40:42.240
Yeah

661
00:40:42.240 --> 00:40:47.360
And it always gets even more entangled when you involve somebody else and they're praying for you and they tell you

662
00:40:47.680 --> 00:40:49.920
Well, I don't know about that, you know

663
00:40:50.480 --> 00:40:53.600
He gives this and then you feel this pressure like if you still do it

664
00:40:53.680 --> 00:40:57.600
You're going against them too. And all you're trying to do is just have a little fun

665
00:40:58.960 --> 00:41:00.960
and so

666
00:41:00.960 --> 00:41:02.720
That that's something that you can feel too

667
00:41:02.720 --> 00:41:06.160
That's why you feel like he'll make a decision about his kids when you just want to date

668
00:41:07.760 --> 00:41:09.760
Yeah, okay candy

669
00:41:13.680 --> 00:41:20.400
Wait, what about the arc thing the oh, what about arc, you know arc is sorry about that. I'm glad you said no worries

670
00:41:20.880 --> 00:41:22.160
arc is

671
00:41:22.160 --> 00:41:26.400
I don't know why the guys are not responding arc is new to this area

672
00:41:26.800 --> 00:41:32.720
And so a lot of ladies and I went on there just because I mean i'm dating somebody but I went on there for the sake

673
00:41:32.800 --> 00:41:34.240
of y'all

674
00:41:34.240 --> 00:41:37.360
It's true. Really? It's true. I wanted to see it when it first came out

675
00:41:38.000 --> 00:41:43.440
And they don't have a lot of activity and a lot of other ladies have said that they don't get a lot of activity

676
00:41:43.520 --> 00:41:45.360
out of arc as well

677
00:41:45.360 --> 00:41:49.040
And they don't get a lot of men in their area. And so that's about uh

678
00:41:49.360 --> 00:41:54.960
I like some guys on there too because I just really wanted to see the whole process and I never got a response back

679
00:41:55.520 --> 00:41:57.520
Um either and so

680
00:41:59.360 --> 00:42:01.440
Um, yeah, okay

681
00:42:03.040 --> 00:42:06.480
I like facebook dating if you're on facebook, I think you should try it out

682
00:42:08.240 --> 00:42:10.400
You know, are you on facebook, uh

683
00:42:11.440 --> 00:42:16.400
I am now since you have to be out there and come out of hiding. I have to come out of hiding

684
00:42:17.040 --> 00:42:21.280
Yeah, do you are you you have friends on facebook? Yeah, I feel i'm trying

685
00:42:21.280 --> 00:42:23.200
Okay

686
00:42:23.200 --> 00:42:28.240
When you do facebook dating it shows you who if y'all have friends in the same circle

687
00:42:29.120 --> 00:42:32.400
It'll show you and that's what I like about it. Okay

688
00:42:33.280 --> 00:42:39.520
Because it kind of puts you in a certain connection with the person. Okay, i'll try that. Thanks. Okay, you're welcome

689
00:42:40.080 --> 00:42:42.080
jane

690
00:42:44.880 --> 00:42:47.280
Hi good evening, it's actually jamie

691
00:42:48.000 --> 00:42:50.400
Jamie sorry. Yeah. Yeah, that's okay

692
00:42:50.720 --> 00:42:55.040
Uh, so i'm new to phase two and so I had some questions about phase two

693
00:42:55.600 --> 00:42:58.260
Yeah, because I was under the impression

694
00:42:59.520 --> 00:43:04.240
And this might be arc. I don't know because I haven't been on arc, but I was under the impression that in phase two

695
00:43:04.800 --> 00:43:10.240
We would be seeing more guys in the program on here's what I had in my mind

696
00:43:10.240 --> 00:43:16.080
And here's what i've been telling people i'm on a dating i'm on a dating coaching site and i'm doing some hard work and

697
00:43:17.440 --> 00:43:22.640
And and there's men over there being prepared and they're doing their hard work and then when I finish this hard work

698
00:43:22.960 --> 00:43:24.960
Then we're going to be

699
00:43:26.220 --> 00:43:28.220
Hallelujah

700
00:43:30.240 --> 00:43:32.240
Can't be the only one that thought that

701
00:43:33.440 --> 00:43:38.340
You are not so it used to be in phase in this phase was called love story accelerator

702
00:43:39.440 --> 00:43:46.000
Where we would have community all community events where there will be men and women

703
00:43:46.320 --> 00:43:48.320
Sometimes they do a sneak peek of that

704
00:43:48.640 --> 00:43:54.000
and then they have the spirit match made where you can fill out the form and then jacket would do some spirit match making and

705
00:43:54.000 --> 00:43:55.600
then they'll do the

706
00:43:55.600 --> 00:43:58.560
What's it called y'all and y'all remember the love seats?

707
00:43:59.200 --> 00:44:00.640
where you'll put

708
00:44:00.640 --> 00:44:03.840
Women on there and men on there and she'll let the three women

709
00:44:04.140 --> 00:44:09.520
Interview the man and he'll choose which one that he wants all of that is in phase three

710
00:44:10.640 --> 00:44:13.920
phase two will get a sneak peek in it and get to come to some of the

711
00:44:14.560 --> 00:44:18.960
Um events so you can see what was in phase three, but spirit match made

712
00:44:19.920 --> 00:44:23.040
That all community where there are men and women in there together

713
00:44:23.520 --> 00:44:25.520
Um is in phase three

714
00:44:25.520 --> 00:44:29.120
But sometimes they let phase two join in on phase three

715
00:44:30.240 --> 00:44:31.520
Okay

716
00:44:31.520 --> 00:44:36.240
Because phase two looks like it's really simple. I mean i've been through the first and the second

717
00:44:37.280 --> 00:44:40.960
Chapters, I guess because it's not a book to you know that you go read you watch

718
00:44:41.040 --> 00:44:43.040
A video

719
00:44:43.040 --> 00:44:44.880
It's all about dating

720
00:44:44.880 --> 00:44:49.120
Really? Okay. So i've been on I was on I was on facebook dating

721
00:44:49.680 --> 00:44:51.680
actually, i've been on a lot of the dating sites, but

722
00:44:52.240 --> 00:44:57.600
I've you know those subscriptions and then you know, you notice they saying guys on all these sites. I'm like

723
00:44:58.720 --> 00:45:00.720
You just change your picture

724
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:01.960
Look, I'll be hoping they don't see me.

725
00:45:01.960 --> 00:45:03.920
I'll be like, I hope they don't see me.

726
00:45:03.920 --> 00:45:07.720
Right.

727
00:45:07.720 --> 00:45:10.880
So I've exclusively been Facebook dating

728
00:45:10.880 --> 00:45:13.360
because I got tired of paying for subscriptions

729
00:45:13.360 --> 00:45:14.600
to talk to somebody.

730
00:45:14.600 --> 00:45:19.560
So I cut it off when I started the heart work.

731
00:45:19.560 --> 00:45:21.760
And then when I came to phase two, I put it back on.

732
00:45:21.760 --> 00:45:23.880
I'm like, I didn't even miss nothing.

733
00:45:23.880 --> 00:45:28.880
So it was just like, oh, do I really have to do this?

734
00:45:28.960 --> 00:45:30.760
And so I put myself out there.

735
00:45:30.760 --> 00:45:32.880
So I talked to a couple today.

736
00:45:32.880 --> 00:45:34.640
I don't know that I'll do the Facebook post,

737
00:45:34.640 --> 00:45:37.160
but I did talk to a couple that I trust today

738
00:45:37.160 --> 00:45:38.280
and told them about it.

739
00:45:38.280 --> 00:45:39.360
They were so excited.

740
00:45:39.360 --> 00:45:42.920
I was like, I got a dating coach and they was like, oh.

741
00:45:42.920 --> 00:45:46.120
So I'm telling people, you know, little by little,

742
00:45:46.120 --> 00:45:48.360
but putting myself out there.

743
00:45:48.360 --> 00:45:50.480
Yeah, Jany, I think that's exciting.

744
00:45:50.480 --> 00:45:53.080
And I know that it is really like exciting to think

745
00:45:53.080 --> 00:45:54.200
when I get to phase three,

746
00:45:54.200 --> 00:45:56.600
they're gonna already be men who did the hard work

747
00:45:56.600 --> 00:45:58.440
that are prepared for me.

748
00:45:59.000 --> 00:46:01.000
But you'll hear Jackie say this all the time.

749
00:46:01.000 --> 00:46:05.400
No matter what man or woman that's in a heart work program,

750
00:46:05.400 --> 00:46:07.920
everybody can skip steps.

751
00:46:07.920 --> 00:46:12.200
And everybody has to be vetted by all of the principles

752
00:46:12.200 --> 00:46:14.960
and everything that you learned.

753
00:46:14.960 --> 00:46:18.240
And when you date them, even if they're in this program,

754
00:46:18.240 --> 00:46:21.520
there are lots of women who skip heart work stuff.

755
00:46:21.520 --> 00:46:23.560
They be in the program three weeks and they come out,

756
00:46:23.560 --> 00:46:24.960
I'm ready.

757
00:46:24.960 --> 00:46:27.560
And they don't apply anything they learned in heart work

758
00:46:27.560 --> 00:46:29.040
and they still move too fast.

759
00:46:29.040 --> 00:46:30.760
And they still meet a man the first night

760
00:46:30.760 --> 00:46:32.040
and they still get physical

761
00:46:32.040 --> 00:46:33.440
and they still talk about spiritual stuff.

762
00:46:33.440 --> 00:46:36.800
Cause they know, even though you didn't have much luck

763
00:46:36.800 --> 00:46:38.520
with a husband, you get in the program

764
00:46:38.520 --> 00:46:40.960
and you decide you still know best.

765
00:46:40.960 --> 00:46:43.880
Because these are one of the areas where people refuse

766
00:46:43.880 --> 00:46:46.200
to give up control.

767
00:46:46.200 --> 00:46:47.760
And it's like, I did all this before.

768
00:46:47.760 --> 00:46:48.720
I already know.

769
00:46:48.720 --> 00:46:49.560
I already know.

770
00:46:49.560 --> 00:46:50.400
I already know.

771
00:46:50.400 --> 00:46:51.520
I know, I know, I know.

772
00:46:51.520 --> 00:46:53.840
But you don't have no husband, husband, husband.

773
00:46:53.840 --> 00:46:56.240
And it's true.

774
00:46:56.240 --> 00:46:57.640
And it's like, I'm not taunting you,

775
00:46:57.640 --> 00:47:00.800
but Jackie produces marriages and engagements

776
00:47:00.800 --> 00:47:04.080
and lots of them every single month.

777
00:47:04.080 --> 00:47:07.240
And when your heart is healthy, you attract differently.

778
00:47:07.240 --> 00:47:09.320
And so you can do the same thing you did

779
00:47:09.320 --> 00:47:11.280
before you got in this program

780
00:47:11.280 --> 00:47:12.920
and you will see a difference.

781
00:47:12.920 --> 00:47:15.920
You'll find that you choose a higher quality of men.

782
00:47:15.920 --> 00:47:18.400
That when you do go out, that you require different things

783
00:47:18.400 --> 00:47:20.320
and you don't walk around thinking somebody owes you

784
00:47:20.320 --> 00:47:21.880
something because you're a woman,

785
00:47:21.880 --> 00:47:24.520
but you actually invested in the woman that you are

786
00:47:24.520 --> 00:47:25.840
and you have a healed heart.

787
00:47:26.440 --> 00:47:27.800
A healed heart and a broken heart

788
00:47:27.800 --> 00:47:29.400
see through two different lenses.

789
00:47:29.400 --> 00:47:31.360
Look at who you are.

790
00:47:31.360 --> 00:47:33.840
It's no way around it because the heart is the lens

791
00:47:33.840 --> 00:47:35.440
in which we see from.

792
00:47:35.440 --> 00:47:38.480
And so I know for myself,

793
00:47:38.480 --> 00:47:42.760
I've watched so many women in this program

794
00:47:42.760 --> 00:47:45.440
and it's just, it's the truth.

795
00:47:45.440 --> 00:47:48.200
And I think you should, one girl said she works this

796
00:47:48.200 --> 00:47:50.600
like it's a college course and she really did.

797
00:47:50.600 --> 00:47:53.240
She worked it until she got her husband

798
00:47:53.280 --> 00:47:57.440
and you are different now and you will date different

799
00:47:57.440 --> 00:47:59.000
and you will make different decisions

800
00:47:59.000 --> 00:48:00.200
because you're going to be faced

801
00:48:00.200 --> 00:48:02.200
with the way you used to do things

802
00:48:02.200 --> 00:48:04.720
and the new way of doing things.

803
00:48:04.720 --> 00:48:06.120
And you're going to have to make a choice.

804
00:48:06.120 --> 00:48:08.640
And it's so easy to go with a good feeling.

805
00:48:08.640 --> 00:48:09.880
You know how it feel when you meet somebody

806
00:48:09.880 --> 00:48:13.600
and it feels so good and you just, it feels so good.

807
00:48:13.600 --> 00:48:16.880
But the feel so good don't never pay off.

808
00:48:16.880 --> 00:48:19.200
It messes you up every single time,

809
00:48:19.200 --> 00:48:22.800
but it's something about that feeling that just drives you.

810
00:48:23.360 --> 00:48:25.080
It just feels so good.

811
00:48:26.440 --> 00:48:29.280
And the level of restraint that is required of you

812
00:48:29.280 --> 00:48:31.520
as a woman to not go into the feel so good.

813
00:48:31.520 --> 00:48:33.360
Some people just don't want to put it up.

814
00:48:33.360 --> 00:48:35.400
They don't want to do that level of restraint

815
00:48:35.400 --> 00:48:38.640
because the feeling feels so good.

816
00:48:40.520 --> 00:48:43.000
So Jamie, I'm excited for you to be in phase two

817
00:48:43.000 --> 00:48:44.840
and don't try to rush off and leave us

818
00:48:44.840 --> 00:48:47.640
and get you some men and get you some girls.

819
00:48:47.640 --> 00:48:52.000
No, I'm not, but you know,

820
00:48:52.000 --> 00:48:54.240
I am 61 now, but.

821
00:48:54.240 --> 00:48:56.160
You're 61, huh?

822
00:48:56.160 --> 00:48:57.760
I am, so.

823
00:48:58.960 --> 00:49:01.120
We got to get this thing going, ain't it?

824
00:49:03.520 --> 00:49:04.680
No, but what I really,

825
00:49:04.680 --> 00:49:08.800
when I was listening to Jackie through the videos,

826
00:49:08.800 --> 00:49:11.240
she was saying, you know, date more than one person.

827
00:49:11.240 --> 00:49:12.560
And that's something different for me.

828
00:49:12.560 --> 00:49:15.200
I was like, more than one at a time?

829
00:49:15.200 --> 00:49:18.240
Okay, that's a little different.

830
00:49:19.280 --> 00:49:21.000
I look, now I did it.

831
00:49:21.040 --> 00:49:23.760
When I was in the program about four, three, four years ago,

832
00:49:23.760 --> 00:49:24.960
Jackie was my coach.

833
00:49:24.960 --> 00:49:27.200
So she was all of our coaches in the program.

834
00:49:27.200 --> 00:49:29.240
So being coached directly on Jackie,

835
00:49:29.240 --> 00:49:30.080
when you go to phase three,

836
00:49:30.080 --> 00:49:31.600
you get a lot more Jackie coaching

837
00:49:31.600 --> 00:49:34.480
because you get all of those sessions with her.

838
00:49:34.480 --> 00:49:36.600
But she did encourage us to date,

839
00:49:36.600 --> 00:49:38.360
and I needed to because I was more

840
00:49:38.360 --> 00:49:39.960
of an anxiously attached person.

841
00:49:39.960 --> 00:49:43.280
So in order to help my emotions calm myself down,

842
00:49:43.280 --> 00:49:44.800
I would date more than one person

843
00:49:44.800 --> 00:49:46.680
and it would mellow me out.

844
00:49:46.680 --> 00:49:48.600
And it would have me not worried about,

845
00:49:48.600 --> 00:49:49.640
oh, does he call back?

846
00:49:49.640 --> 00:49:50.480
What'd he say?

847
00:49:51.000 --> 00:49:51.840
What'd he mean by that?

848
00:49:51.840 --> 00:49:52.680
And get on the phone with him.

849
00:49:52.680 --> 00:49:53.520
Oh, I met him.

850
00:49:53.520 --> 00:49:55.440
I think that I planned our whole future, baby.

851
00:49:55.440 --> 00:49:57.640
Give me two hours, it's over with.

852
00:49:57.640 --> 00:49:59.920
And so I had to slow me down.

853
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:03.800
Cuz I thought everyone I clicked on when my husband Jeff you like stop doing it

854
00:50:03.800 --> 00:50:07.480
so it's like it was like this study till there's something cracked in my head like oh

855
00:50:08.800 --> 00:50:10.800
oh

856
00:50:11.520 --> 00:50:14.500
And then I just took out different this what I want to say

857
00:50:15.120 --> 00:50:21.160
When you date so I would you don't have to do this and I know you're 61, but they don't change it

858
00:50:21.160 --> 00:50:23.640
You look good. Y'all can pull this stuff out. I

859
00:50:24.520 --> 00:50:29.180
Would date three men at a time and I will let the best rise to the top

860
00:50:30.000 --> 00:50:35.420
And the other two will fall underneath and so the best will always get the best the best time slots

861
00:50:36.480 --> 00:50:41.620
Already had time slots that were put in and when I would talk to a person and when I could go out on the date

862
00:50:42.280 --> 00:50:48.320
whoever dropped under the best the second person they get the other time that the first person didn't get and

863
00:50:48.440 --> 00:50:53.960
the third person usually gets replaced by somebody else who can come and trump the top person and

864
00:50:54.480 --> 00:50:58.840
So I never I didn't I wasn't sit on dating sites all the time

865
00:50:58.840 --> 00:51:02.880
I put it because you get tired you get tired of this stuff

866
00:51:02.880 --> 00:51:07.740
And so I start putting myself on the schedule and I would enjoy the time I had on it and then I wouldn't so I

867
00:51:08.040 --> 00:51:11.720
Regulated myself a lot and I encourage you guys to request if you get tired of swiping

868
00:51:11.720 --> 00:51:15.680
Oh the same picture somebody holding the fish somebody sitting there with a dog

869
00:51:16.080 --> 00:51:19.120
You know, you can you be like y'all ain't got nothing else to do

870
00:51:19.680 --> 00:51:26.080
You know on a boat, you know the same old stuff it gets, you know frustrated and then I started making it fun

871
00:51:26.080 --> 00:51:28.080
Yeah, I started going up to me and in grocery stores

872
00:51:28.880 --> 00:51:34.400
I got tired of being afraid to say something to somebody. I'm like, I'm gonna do it. Just walk up

873
00:51:37.480 --> 00:51:39.440
Forget it, I'm doing it

874
00:51:39.440 --> 00:51:42.280
But I just I wanted genuine connections

875
00:51:42.280 --> 00:51:45.080
I want I will take me and my sister and her husband will go out

876
00:51:45.080 --> 00:51:50.120
He will go up and talk to me and say my sister over there. I'll take a wing woman with me

877
00:51:50.120 --> 00:51:53.400
I'll go hang out and have fun with it and I encourage y'all to do that

878
00:51:53.400 --> 00:51:55.400
It's so much easier when you have a wing woman

879
00:51:55.680 --> 00:52:00.560
She's gonna do all the talking for you and then you can do all the talking for her and then it's gonna build up your

880
00:52:00.560 --> 00:52:01.720
ability to have

881
00:52:01.720 --> 00:52:05.720
Conversations even on dating sites and I'm gonna give it back to y'all cuz I got a lot of hands up

882
00:52:05.720 --> 00:52:06.760
I gotta stop talking

883
00:52:06.760 --> 00:52:08.040
Even on dating sites

884
00:52:08.040 --> 00:52:12.560
I would give the phone to my sister sometimes and let her pick me and for me that I wouldn't pick for myself

885
00:52:12.920 --> 00:52:17.420
And she'll even start the conversation with them for me because she knew me well enough to do that

886
00:52:18.160 --> 00:52:20.160
And she knew I wouldn't pick them

887
00:52:20.160 --> 00:52:26.080
But she knew you know, sometimes you look at me and they own it all fine, especially they like they work out every day

888
00:52:26.080 --> 00:52:27.720
I'll be like no

889
00:52:27.720 --> 00:52:32.600
He ain't gonna want me. He don't want me or you know, they have certain type of jobs

890
00:52:32.600 --> 00:52:39.120
Sometimes we'll disqualify ourselves from certain me but you actually do like them, but you feel like they probably wouldn't like you

891
00:52:39.280 --> 00:52:43.960
Well, I just let my sister click on me then I start talking to me. So those are some ideas

892
00:52:43.960 --> 00:52:45.960
I want you guys to have fun

893
00:52:46.760 --> 00:52:51.680
It's worth having fun a little while you'll be married and you won't get to do this again, so

894
00:52:52.840 --> 00:52:54.640
You're welcome

895
00:52:54.640 --> 00:53:02.040
All right. So for real we're gonna speed up. I think this is the game plan. All right, Sophia. You're next

896
00:53:02.720 --> 00:53:04.720
It's Sophia. No, it's not

897
00:53:05.480 --> 00:53:08.080
It's a piece. Oh, it's a piece. Oh

898
00:53:09.440 --> 00:53:14.280
So we're gonna y'all are gonna talk for one minute and a half and I'm gonna talk for two minutes go

899
00:53:14.800 --> 00:53:20.960
Okay, so it's like a I I think I need encouragement I'm just a little like I

900
00:53:21.600 --> 00:53:28.080
Don't know. Okay, so there's two men that I've been talking to one is in DC

901
00:53:28.480 --> 00:53:34.680
He was supposed to I'm in New York. He was supposed he had said that he was coming to New York this weekend

902
00:53:36.240 --> 00:53:41.000
Last we spoke I should also say I went on a silent retreat for a whole week

903
00:53:41.000 --> 00:53:42.720
And so, you know

904
00:53:42.720 --> 00:53:46.840
I did give them I did give the the lads some warning that I'd be

905
00:53:47.280 --> 00:53:51.960
Unavailable for a week and we could pick up when I got back. I got back

906
00:53:52.320 --> 00:53:57.680
He was like super keen to talk to me. We see he phoned we spoke on the phone and then I

907
00:53:58.480 --> 00:54:03.960
Got on the subway and he was like call me back later tonight. I tried to call back as promised

908
00:54:04.840 --> 00:54:09.320
But he didn't pick up. So I left a message that was like a

909
00:54:10.040 --> 00:54:13.320
Long time ago. I know he had a weekend thing planned

910
00:54:13.320 --> 00:54:16.440
He was going away with friends from school for the weekend

911
00:54:16.440 --> 00:54:21.280
And so haven't heard back and part of me is like let it go

912
00:54:22.640 --> 00:54:24.640
and

913
00:54:25.240 --> 00:54:30.280
Then another part of me is like should I feel empowered enough to be like

914
00:54:31.120 --> 00:54:36.160
Like what's up? Are either weekend? Is that you know still a thing?

915
00:54:36.960 --> 00:54:42.400
But then I also don't want to yeah, I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be like I

916
00:54:43.320 --> 00:54:45.320
don't know what the line of like

917
00:54:49.120 --> 00:54:52.960
Being desperate is and then also like being

918
00:54:54.400 --> 00:54:59.840
Open and friendly. So there's that and then there's another guy who I've been talking

919
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:07.360
into for a while. We haven't met yet. I'm starting to get over the endless messaging.

920
00:55:07.360 --> 00:55:13.940
We voice note a lot. I expressed that I'd like to meet. He was like, yes, absolutely.

921
00:55:13.940 --> 00:55:18.620
And then like hit me with crazy, like this last weekend, I spoke to him last week and

922
00:55:18.620 --> 00:55:24.320
I was like, um, what do you think about meeting up? He was like, absolutely. This weekend's

923
00:55:24.320 --> 00:55:30.140
crazy. I have a wedding on Saturday and then my father's funeral on Sunday and I'm going

924
00:55:30.140 --> 00:55:39.600
away. And I was like, huh? So like the man is grieving and is in like a really intense

925
00:55:39.600 --> 00:55:45.240
place emotionally. And I don't know, I, I feel a little bit like I've taken a lighter

926
00:55:45.240 --> 00:55:51.240
touch now. And he sent me a message yesterday to say that he, you know, went to the beach,

927
00:55:51.240 --> 00:55:56.000
his dad loved the beach. And so now he does like a birthday tradition thing at the beach.

928
00:55:56.000 --> 00:56:00.880
And he was like, I got here. And so I took a day to respond and just say, hope you're

929
00:56:00.880 --> 00:56:07.240
having a good time. That was like an emotional weekend for you. Like, I don't know. I just,

930
00:56:07.240 --> 00:56:14.840
I'm feeling a little bit, I don't know. I, I just don't know.

931
00:56:14.840 --> 00:56:21.920
Okay. Okay. So for guy number one, do you usually reach out to him all the time?

932
00:56:21.920 --> 00:56:27.240
No, it's been pretty consistent. The difference is I'm someone who texts and he's someone

933
00:56:27.240 --> 00:56:33.840
who'll just pop up on, on the phone. Right. So, so it's been equal, but if you look at

934
00:56:33.840 --> 00:56:40.400
our text thread, it'll be like, I send a text message and then he phones back. Yeah.

935
00:56:40.400 --> 00:56:46.080
So how do we know when we are appearing desperate? That is the question. The first you want to

936
00:56:46.080 --> 00:56:49.520
measure out how much you're reaching out to them versus how much they're reaching out

937
00:56:49.520 --> 00:56:55.920
to you. Right? So this, how do I not look desperate? First thing you need to ask yourself,

938
00:56:55.920 --> 00:57:07.000
am I desperate? Yes or no? I don't know. Not, I'm not sure, but I am interested. Well, let

939
00:57:07.160 --> 00:57:15.080
me finish. So when you ask yourself the question, you measure the conversation back and forth,

940
00:57:15.080 --> 00:57:20.360
this is how you measure it. Then you ask yourself the question, am I desperate? Yes or no? You

941
00:57:20.360 --> 00:57:25.800
pick, no, I'm not desperate. Then you need to ask the question of that person that you want to know.

942
00:57:27.240 --> 00:57:31.640
Okay. This is going to stop you from, I know that's when you say I have this self-consciousness.

943
00:57:31.640 --> 00:57:37.640
This is how you measure out if what your, what your conscious is speaking to you is true or not.

944
00:57:38.600 --> 00:57:45.560
Is there a level, are we leveled out with I, this, they reciprocate. Is this happening? Yeah.

945
00:57:45.560 --> 00:57:52.040
Am I desperate? What's happening in my heart? Or am I being anxious? Yeah. And then if not,

946
00:57:52.040 --> 00:57:57.480
if you want to know something, you ask them. And once you ask them, don't be around the bush.

947
00:57:58.360 --> 00:58:03.080
Yeah. Be clear with the person about what you want to know. So you won't have to do a follow-up text

948
00:58:03.080 --> 00:58:08.440
if they don't respond to you. Yeah. So if your text says, Hey, we haven't been able to connect.

949
00:58:08.440 --> 00:58:12.760
I'm still very interested in us hanging out on Saturday. Like make it known what you want

950
00:58:12.760 --> 00:58:18.120
so that you won't have to do another text after you sent one. And then you feel desperate because

951
00:58:18.120 --> 00:58:25.000
they ain't responding. Don't send no phishing texts. That's so good. This is what I want.

952
00:58:25.000 --> 00:58:30.600
Yeah. Yeah. And so be clear, be kind. And if they don't respond to that, you know,

953
00:58:30.600 --> 00:58:35.320
you said exactly what you wanted to say. And the other guy is, you know,

954
00:58:35.320 --> 00:58:40.120
because he is grieving or whatever. I like the way you handled it. And if you wanted to just

955
00:58:40.120 --> 00:58:44.760
check on him and say, Hey, you don't have to call me back. I'm just checking. I'm just checking on

956
00:58:44.760 --> 00:58:50.520
you. I know that you've had a emotional or, you know, weekend with the loss of your father. So

957
00:58:50.520 --> 00:58:55.800
just want you to know that my thoughts are towards you whenever you, um, you know, come

958
00:58:55.800 --> 00:59:02.600
back around this way. Um, I'm willing to be available. I'm willing to be available.

959
00:59:03.720 --> 00:59:09.480
That's great. Okay. You're welcome. Um, Byrne.

960
00:59:14.520 --> 00:59:17.880
Is this your first time Byrne? Yes. It's my first time.

961
00:59:18.200 --> 00:59:25.880
Hey, well, I wanted to say that, um, I'm really, really excited about the program. And, um,

962
00:59:26.760 --> 00:59:33.560
I haven't, I am, I just turned 62 just about a month ago and June, well, June 21st. So I'm

963
00:59:33.560 --> 00:59:41.000
really excited about that. Um, I haven't dated in a really long time out of my 62 years. I looked at,

964
00:59:41.800 --> 00:59:49.240
I haven't dated probably less than 30 years of, um, you know, of my life, but however,

965
00:59:49.240 --> 00:59:56.760
I tried to go back and date, um, after 1996, when my son was born, I tried to date a guy

966
00:59:56.760 --> 00:59:59.800
in the early part of, uh, 2000. I mean, um,

967
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:07.400
2018, I believe it was, somewhere around there, and I tried to date, and I found out very

968
01:00:07.400 --> 01:00:10.920
quickly that I didn't know how to date.

969
01:00:10.920 --> 01:00:18.360
I was still trying to carry those old principles from 1996 over to 2000, and, you know, and

970
01:00:18.360 --> 01:00:21.840
I pretty much got kind of ran over a little bit there.

971
01:00:21.840 --> 01:00:27.360
I do know that I did give out too much information at one time because I was, okay, I was very

972
01:00:27.360 --> 01:00:29.280
proud of myself.

973
01:00:29.280 --> 01:00:34.800
His dad was not there for me, and I left the relationship, and now I've been by myself,

974
01:00:34.800 --> 01:00:38.040
and I've been learning some stuff, studying my work and all of that, and I was ready to

975
01:00:38.040 --> 01:00:43.560
practice on him, but he was much smarter than me in reference to playing these games and

976
01:00:43.560 --> 01:00:44.560
all of that.

977
01:00:44.560 --> 01:00:50.920
But I can say that I did see, you know, yellow lights and plus red lights, but when I got

978
01:00:50.920 --> 01:00:56.880
to the point after that year, I told him that I was trying to see where we were going with

979
01:00:56.880 --> 01:00:57.880
it.

980
01:00:57.880 --> 01:00:58.880
We're not going anywhere.

981
01:00:58.880 --> 01:01:04.120
Then, you know, I was just going to kind of break it off, but I knew in my heart that

982
01:01:04.120 --> 01:01:08.760
there was a child somewhere because I mentioned about, I didn't want to talk to anybody that

983
01:01:08.760 --> 01:01:14.200
had any small kids because at that time I was in my 50s, late 50s.

984
01:01:14.200 --> 01:01:19.480
But anyway, found out later, once he went in the hospital, excuse me, what happened

985
01:01:19.480 --> 01:01:24.400
was he went into the hospital, and that's when everything started speeding up because

986
01:01:24.560 --> 01:01:29.840
right when I was breaking up with him, I am naturally a caregiver.

987
01:01:29.840 --> 01:01:31.840
I actually work in hospice.

988
01:01:31.840 --> 01:01:32.840
I'm a hospice nurse.

989
01:01:32.840 --> 01:01:37.800
So therefore, what happened was when he went in the hospital, everything speeded up really

990
01:01:37.800 --> 01:01:40.440
fast, and plus at the end of that, he actually died.

991
01:01:40.440 --> 01:01:46.680
I took care of him until he died, regardless of how mean he was to me and all of that.

992
01:01:46.680 --> 01:01:52.600
And right before he actually died, I found out that he was married, and I about had a

993
01:01:52.600 --> 01:01:54.720
fit, about had a fit on that.

994
01:01:54.720 --> 01:01:58.760
But when I talked to one of his friends, because he didn't have a lot of friends, the girl

995
01:01:58.760 --> 01:02:05.480
told me that he, yes, he got married in 20, in 2000, and he was supposed to get an annulment

996
01:02:05.480 --> 01:02:07.880
or something like that, but he didn't do it.

997
01:02:07.880 --> 01:02:13.200
But anyway, I did take care of him all the way up until he died, and I wasn't like in

998
01:02:13.200 --> 01:02:14.200
love with him.

999
01:02:14.200 --> 01:02:19.560
I liked him and everything, and I did tell him at that point that I was no longer his

1000
01:02:19.560 --> 01:02:24.760
girlfriend after I found out some things there, but because of what I do, I was going

1001
01:02:24.760 --> 01:02:30.120
to go on and take care of him because I would never just kick him to the side like that.

1002
01:02:30.120 --> 01:02:36.560
And right now, I'm still carrying some baggage from him, and that's been like over five years.

1003
01:02:36.560 --> 01:02:44.080
And what baggage I'm saying is that everything that was in his home, he said he didn't care

1004
01:02:44.080 --> 01:02:48.720
what I did with it, but me being me, and I was like, man, this man got all this good

1005
01:02:48.720 --> 01:02:52.440
stuff in his house, I can at least sell it or whatever.

1006
01:02:52.440 --> 01:02:59.840
And then I had to move him, he only came to the house right before he died.

1007
01:02:59.840 --> 01:03:06.320
And what I did was I had a friend who let us stay in her in-law suite.

1008
01:03:06.320 --> 01:03:10.400
We wasn't together like that, it's just that I needed a place to take care of him because

1009
01:03:10.400 --> 01:03:12.160
now I'm his caregiver.

1010
01:03:12.160 --> 01:03:18.600
But anyway, so out of all of that, I realized that I didn't know how to date, but I haven't

1011
01:03:18.600 --> 01:03:25.600
dated anybody since 2000, after he died, I tried to talk to another guy.

1012
01:03:25.600 --> 01:03:32.840
But what I'm looking at right now is that I know a whole lot more now than I did.

1013
01:03:32.840 --> 01:03:40.040
And so I haven't been going on any, but I go places to make myself, to push me out there

1014
01:03:40.040 --> 01:03:42.280
to have conversation.

1015
01:03:42.280 --> 01:03:48.000
I do go to Sprouts a lot, and I will talk to people because I love everything about

1016
01:03:48.000 --> 01:03:51.680
in reference to healthy living and exercise and all of that.

1017
01:03:51.680 --> 01:03:55.520
So I get a chance to talk to people and I have people to say, I had a couple of young

1018
01:03:55.520 --> 01:03:59.600
guys tried to talk to me, but for me, I say that they were too young for me or whatever.

1019
01:03:59.600 --> 01:04:02.200
I said that.

1020
01:04:02.200 --> 01:04:06.160
But yeah, and when I tell them my age and it was like, I would not have thought she

1021
01:04:06.160 --> 01:04:11.520
was like 62, I would have said, maybe your late 40s or early 50s.

1022
01:04:11.520 --> 01:04:18.160
But anyway, so I am excited about this and I'm looking forward to just being able to

1023
01:04:18.160 --> 01:04:20.880
be in a community that I'm hearing from other people too.

1024
01:04:20.880 --> 01:04:25.000
And we're helping each other along the way and everything.

1025
01:04:25.000 --> 01:04:32.320
But I'm not shy to putting myself out there because when I looked at the information the

1026
01:04:32.320 --> 01:04:37.360
other day from Jackie, well, which I was looking at yesterday, and when she said about putting

1027
01:04:37.360 --> 01:04:40.760
yourself out there on a Facebook, and I'm not shy to that.

1028
01:04:40.760 --> 01:04:44.200
I just have to see what I want to say when I put it out there.

1029
01:04:44.200 --> 01:04:49.040
And people are going to be so surprised because that's not me to be able to.

1030
01:04:49.040 --> 01:04:52.560
I mean, I'm a really happy go lucky person and I love to talk.

1031
01:04:52.560 --> 01:04:55.400
I love to, you know, to get with people and all of that.

1032
01:04:55.400 --> 01:04:59.960
But they're going to be surprised that I actually said that because I'm sure people.

1033
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:03.040
thinking, you know, you hadn't dated in all these years,

1034
01:05:03.040 --> 01:05:04.760
you know, we thought you were married,

1035
01:05:04.760 --> 01:05:07.360
whatever, whatever, but I'm excited about it.

1036
01:05:07.360 --> 01:05:10.000
And so I'm also looking for, you know,

1037
01:05:10.000 --> 01:05:13.120
open to different tips and everything

1038
01:05:13.120 --> 01:05:14.600
for me when I get out there.

1039
01:05:14.600 --> 01:05:17.200
But I know a lot of ladies that are my friends,

1040
01:05:17.200 --> 01:05:20.240
they're just kind of going here and there and, you know,

1041
01:05:20.240 --> 01:05:22.000
well, if it's God's will and all of that,

1042
01:05:22.000 --> 01:05:23.240
and I'm over here doing something

1043
01:05:23.240 --> 01:05:25.360
because I know it's his will.

1044
01:05:25.360 --> 01:05:27.840
I want to be married and I've already talked to him

1045
01:05:27.840 --> 01:05:31.040
about that and we have gone through some things already.

1046
01:05:31.040 --> 01:05:34.440
And this particular program came to me

1047
01:05:34.440 --> 01:05:36.040
during the time, cause I work overnight.

1048
01:05:36.040 --> 01:05:37.160
So I take care of, you know,

1049
01:05:37.160 --> 01:05:39.560
I try to take care of people in the hospice,

1050
01:05:39.560 --> 01:05:42.920
do private care, but I'm up all night.

1051
01:05:42.920 --> 01:05:47.240
So I was like, Jackie's program popped up

1052
01:05:47.240 --> 01:05:50.600
and I know that it was supposed to be what I needed.

1053
01:05:50.600 --> 01:05:53.080
And then another thing that happened to me that

1054
01:05:54.000 --> 01:05:56.040
for my birthday, every year I steal away

1055
01:05:56.040 --> 01:05:58.120
and go by myself and spend time with God.

1056
01:05:58.120 --> 01:05:59.320
And I was like, Lord,

1057
01:05:59.320 --> 01:06:01.200
what am I going to do this year for my birthday?

1058
01:06:01.200 --> 01:06:04.560
I just want to do something that's just really different.

1059
01:06:04.560 --> 01:06:09.040
And something came up with the Esther experience

1060
01:06:09.040 --> 01:06:10.600
that came up.

1061
01:06:10.600 --> 01:06:13.440
And I was like, I want to go to this so bad.

1062
01:06:13.440 --> 01:06:16.000
And when I looked at it, it said Mexico.

1063
01:06:16.000 --> 01:06:19.480
And I'm like, Lord, I want to go to Mexico.

1064
01:06:19.480 --> 01:06:23.160
And then we got the update and it said,

1065
01:06:23.160 --> 01:06:26.400
Destin, I'm like, oh my God, I'm a Florida girl.

1066
01:06:26.400 --> 01:06:29.400
So I was brought up in Pensacola right there

1067
01:06:29.400 --> 01:06:30.280
next to Destin.

1068
01:06:30.280 --> 01:06:33.160
So I have family where my kids' family lived there.

1069
01:06:33.160 --> 01:06:37.440
And I'm from that area and everything was beautiful.

1070
01:06:37.440 --> 01:06:38.840
And I had such a great time.

1071
01:06:38.840 --> 01:06:41.160
And that kind of propelled me to say,

1072
01:06:41.160 --> 01:06:42.840
no, you have to keep going.

1073
01:06:42.840 --> 01:06:45.200
You have to keep going because I do feel like

1074
01:06:45.200 --> 01:06:46.800
this is my last year single.

1075
01:06:46.800 --> 01:06:48.160
I really do.

1076
01:06:48.160 --> 01:06:50.000
But the question that I wanted to ask,

1077
01:06:50.000 --> 01:06:52.440
because some of my so-called friends,

1078
01:06:52.440 --> 01:06:54.160
I told them I was kicking everybody to the curb

1079
01:06:54.160 --> 01:06:57.200
and including my son who said, mom, you're too picky.

1080
01:06:57.200 --> 01:07:00.120
You could have been married, but you just so picky.

1081
01:07:00.120 --> 01:07:02.800
And then I told my girlfriends, I said,

1082
01:07:02.800 --> 01:07:04.920
well, one of them, I say, listen,

1083
01:07:06.200 --> 01:07:09.440
I don't want to date anybody that like have small kids

1084
01:07:09.440 --> 01:07:12.760
or if they have kids, which my son is 29.

1085
01:07:12.760 --> 01:07:15.680
At first I said younger than him, but then I did,

1086
01:07:15.680 --> 01:07:16.920
I moved it back a little bit.

1087
01:07:16.920 --> 01:07:19.880
And I said, okay, if they're in college or whatever,

1088
01:07:19.880 --> 01:07:24.880
but I'm open to, well, of course, grandkids and everything.

1089
01:07:25.240 --> 01:07:26.640
But, and they were like,

1090
01:07:26.640 --> 01:07:28.960
why are you gonna just put a line there?

1091
01:07:28.960 --> 01:07:31.560
God may help for you to be,

1092
01:07:31.560 --> 01:07:35.320
for you to take care of someone that has small kids.

1093
01:07:35.320 --> 01:07:37.160
I don't think I can do me like that.

1094
01:07:37.160 --> 01:07:38.000
I'm sorry.

1095
01:07:39.880 --> 01:07:42.240
I'm sorry, I don't.

1096
01:07:42.240 --> 01:07:46.120
And she asked me, why was I so fearful of that?

1097
01:07:46.120 --> 01:07:51.120
And I can say the reservation I have is because

1098
01:07:54.400 --> 01:07:56.400
when she asked me that we send this restaurant

1099
01:07:56.400 --> 01:07:58.440
and I'm sitting here crying, all of us crying.

1100
01:07:58.440 --> 01:08:00.200
Cause we were telling our stories about things.

1101
01:08:00.200 --> 01:08:04.520
And I told her, I said, I had a couple of guys,

1102
01:08:04.520 --> 01:08:05.800
I have three kids and three dads.

1103
01:08:05.800 --> 01:08:08.760
So, and then I have a fourth guy that I talked to.

1104
01:08:08.760 --> 01:08:10.080
And those were very, all of those

1105
01:08:10.080 --> 01:08:11.600
were very short relationships,

1106
01:08:11.600 --> 01:08:14.600
but I've never had anybody to really do anything with me.

1107
01:08:14.640 --> 01:08:17.319
And it's just like, everybody come,

1108
01:08:17.319 --> 01:08:18.920
they do to me the same way.

1109
01:08:18.920 --> 01:08:20.240
And, you know, and they leave,

1110
01:08:20.240 --> 01:08:22.399
or well, actually I break up with them

1111
01:08:22.399 --> 01:08:23.960
because it's like the same thing.

1112
01:08:23.960 --> 01:08:27.080
And I was like, why can't I just have somebody for myself?

1113
01:08:27.080 --> 01:08:30.319
Why do you have to come with all these kids and everything?

1114
01:08:30.319 --> 01:08:32.279
But that's just the way I felt.

1115
01:08:32.279 --> 01:08:34.120
And I know it's a part of,

1116
01:08:34.120 --> 01:08:36.359
I have been delivered from all of that

1117
01:08:36.359 --> 01:08:39.000
in reference to the, you know,

1118
01:08:39.000 --> 01:08:40.880
even though I did the hard work,

1119
01:08:40.880 --> 01:08:42.600
but I'm actually, I am actually

1120
01:08:42.600 --> 01:08:45.200
in a healing minister at my church.

1121
01:08:45.200 --> 01:08:47.399
So I've have been through all of that already

1122
01:08:47.399 --> 01:08:50.399
because I also minister to other people as well.

1123
01:08:50.399 --> 01:08:51.840
But that day I did,

1124
01:08:51.840 --> 01:08:54.640
I didn't realize that I had that in me at that time,

1125
01:08:54.640 --> 01:08:56.640
but I have gotten past that

1126
01:08:56.640 --> 01:09:00.680
cause I don't actually feel like that the way I did before.

1127
01:09:00.680 --> 01:09:02.479
But I said, yeah, it's just like,

1128
01:09:02.479 --> 01:09:05.319
I've never had anybody like to myself.

1129
01:09:05.319 --> 01:09:10.160
And yeah, so that was what I just wanted to share there.

1130
01:09:11.120 --> 01:09:12.600
I do want to speak to that very,

1131
01:09:12.600 --> 01:09:14.399
I'm trying to speak to 30 seconds.

1132
01:09:15.760 --> 01:09:18.200
Vern, if that's your preference, that's your preference.

1133
01:09:18.200 --> 01:09:20.680
A lot of times we get way out of hand with,

1134
01:09:20.680 --> 01:09:23.080
don't block the Lord from doing something.

1135
01:09:23.080 --> 01:09:25.840
You've got this and got this and got this and got that.

1136
01:09:25.840 --> 01:09:28.439
You're going to choose the person you want to marry.

1137
01:09:29.880 --> 01:09:31.760
That's the truth.

1138
01:09:31.760 --> 01:09:34.080
God's not going to choose them for you.

1139
01:09:34.080 --> 01:09:34.920
Right.

1140
01:09:34.920 --> 01:09:36.279
Because he's not going to marry them.

1141
01:09:36.279 --> 01:09:37.920
He's not going to communicate with them.

1142
01:09:37.920 --> 01:09:39.520
He doesn't do the work in the marriage.

1143
01:09:39.560 --> 01:09:40.399
You do it.

1144
01:09:40.399 --> 01:09:43.600
But does God have a thought or say, yes, he does.

1145
01:09:44.479 --> 01:09:46.399
Because he knows what that person is going to be like

1146
01:09:46.399 --> 01:09:49.319
in five years, 10 years, but you have a preference

1147
01:09:49.319 --> 01:09:50.560
and God is not a guy.

1148
01:09:50.560 --> 01:09:52.920
He didn't even make you accept Jesus.

1149
01:09:53.840 --> 01:09:54.680
Right, right.

1150
01:09:54.680 --> 01:09:56.800
Way too far fetched was this thing

1151
01:09:56.800 --> 01:09:57.880
about what God's going to do.

1152
01:09:57.880 --> 01:09:59.680
He's not interested in robots.

1153
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:05.960
It's the most important decision you ever made in your life. He did not force you to do it. He's not forcing you to marry someone

1154
01:10:06.920 --> 01:10:12.520
And you have a right to say, I don't want to date someone with children and I just want to give that back to you as your right

1155
01:10:12.960 --> 01:10:21.320
And if they don't understand that I know you may love them, but don't talk to them about it again because everybody just don't it. It's okay.

1156
01:10:22.160 --> 01:10:27.000
Maybe they want to marry somebody with the children. You don't want to marry some you don't raise all your children.

1157
01:10:27.000 --> 01:10:32.440
You don't want to go back and raise children. You're trying to relax. This is the latter years of your life, right?

1158
01:10:32.440 --> 01:10:36.960
You don't want to marry a man probably who ain't got nothing put up for retirement.

1159
01:10:37.600 --> 01:10:42.060
You don't want to have to struggle in this age and y'all will work at Walmart.

1160
01:10:43.440 --> 01:10:48.680
Like that's not the life you want and that's not the life you're gonna get because you can choose.

1161
01:10:49.680 --> 01:10:54.920
Yes. Now, let's say some man comes along to sweep you off your feet and you say he may have this

1162
01:10:54.920 --> 01:11:00.560
But he has all these things and it's worth it to me. It's your say-so as well.

1163
01:11:01.440 --> 01:11:07.560
Mm-hmm. So that's it. And you shouldn't be finding two men and me at 62 with no little baby. No way.

1164
01:11:07.800 --> 01:11:12.720
Well, that's true. But the guy that is true, but the guy that I was talking to the one that died

1165
01:11:12.720 --> 01:11:18.400
He actually had it. Well, he was just he was born in January. We had started talking in June

1166
01:11:18.400 --> 01:11:24.680
and so he had a little one and he was getting ready to to be getting ready to be 60 and

1167
01:11:24.920 --> 01:11:28.600
He tried to hide that. I want to say what I do want to say

1168
01:11:28.600 --> 01:11:33.280
I saw something come up where Laura said you want all of the you know, you want the attention. Yes, I do

1169
01:11:34.520 --> 01:11:41.800
You do I do want that attention and not having to to go, you know to go back to and you know

1170
01:11:41.840 --> 01:11:48.520
To be having to go back and start taking care a little kid because he did ask to marry me like a deathbed type

1171
01:11:48.520 --> 01:11:52.840
Thing before he died, but I was like, I don't care what's going on

1172
01:11:53.000 --> 01:11:59.040
I'm not that person looking for money or whatever and I don't know what you have because we had not gotten to know each other

1173
01:11:59.040 --> 01:12:01.200
but I knew he was a very big liar and

1174
01:12:01.720 --> 01:12:03.840
You know, he didn't tell me several things

1175
01:12:03.840 --> 01:12:10.480
I found out like I said through Holy Spirit on those things and and I was not going to marry him and then I had

1176
01:12:10.480 --> 01:12:13.160
Some people to my girl you could have got his no

1177
01:12:13.160 --> 01:12:18.160
I don't want that because it comes with a lot of stuff and then I would have had a little three-year-old at that

1178
01:12:18.160 --> 01:12:23.280
Well, he's seven now at that particular time that I figured because I married your dad

1179
01:12:23.280 --> 01:12:28.920
then you belong to me and I would have because I love taking care of people and doing stuff and you know,

1180
01:12:28.920 --> 01:12:31.080
And he would have been a part of my life

1181
01:12:31.400 --> 01:12:39.080
but and thank you to first said something about the Facebook dating because I was wondering if it was connected to

1182
01:12:39.720 --> 01:12:42.800
Who your friends are or whatever? Like yeah

1183
01:12:43.800 --> 01:12:46.480
It may it may not be your friend group

1184
01:12:46.480 --> 01:12:52.280
But if if anybody you talk to is friends with anybody you're friends with it'll show you on the show

1185
01:12:52.280 --> 01:12:57.560
Yeah, all the people they're friends with that you're friends with okay. Yeah

1186
01:13:00.240 --> 01:13:02.800
I'm excited. I'm ready. You should be

1187
01:13:04.400 --> 01:13:06.400
You're welcome Linda

1188
01:13:06.400 --> 01:13:08.400
I

1189
01:13:08.880 --> 01:13:12.840
Think no, that's how I guess okay, so

1190
01:13:17.120 --> 01:13:19.120
I'm getting old

1191
01:13:21.240 --> 01:13:23.240
I'm the one that's been divorced since

1192
01:13:23.640 --> 01:13:29.520
2004 been on every dating site known to man except not tinder or bumble because those are like

1193
01:13:30.320 --> 01:13:33.380
More recent and they're for youngsters in my opinion

1194
01:13:34.140 --> 01:13:36.140
Not the safest either but

1195
01:13:37.300 --> 01:13:41.140
I've been in some great relationships. I've met some wonderful guys online

1196
01:13:41.980 --> 01:13:43.980
I've been engaged twice

1197
01:13:44.580 --> 01:13:50.700
And I've maintained good friendships from with a few of those men just friendships

1198
01:13:55.780 --> 01:13:57.780
But I feel like

1199
01:13:57.940 --> 01:14:03.060
Like I've been on Facebook dating. I mean, yes, it's true. The same faces come up everywhere

1200
01:14:03.620 --> 01:14:04.780
and

1201
01:14:04.780 --> 01:14:10.740
so it's kind of like I don't know I mean, I'm kind of anxious or excited to get on the

1202
01:14:11.100 --> 01:14:17.220
Spirit match mate or mate match or whatever because I'm hoping that the same people ain't gonna be on there

1203
01:14:19.260 --> 01:14:21.620
Because I feel like I've exhausted all my

1204
01:14:22.420 --> 01:14:24.420
options because I've been

1205
01:14:25.020 --> 01:14:27.020
Doing online dating for such a long time

1206
01:14:28.020 --> 01:14:33.300
And they probably wonder that about me like oh here this woman's been out here for 20 years. What's wrong with her?

1207
01:14:33.940 --> 01:14:35.580
well

1208
01:14:35.580 --> 01:14:36.940
so

1209
01:14:36.940 --> 01:14:43.540
So you want to try a different pool? Maybe like I'm trying a different rule some community groups in the area

1210
01:14:45.060 --> 01:14:51.820
Yeah, yeah, maybe yeah, I was the event planner for the Milwaukee area Christian singles

1211
01:14:55.380 --> 01:15:00.020
It was fun, I loved it, but it was too close for comfort cuz

1212
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:03.880
I know knew everybody so well. So it was like too weird to date

1213
01:15:03.880 --> 01:15:08.840
anybody in the group. Yeah. So I don't know that, you know, that

1214
01:15:08.840 --> 01:15:15.400
probably wasn't good for my chances. But I still want to I

1215
01:15:15.400 --> 01:15:23.680
still believe and I still want to get married again. And I

1216
01:15:23.680 --> 01:15:26.840
thought that I was to the point where I was like, Okay, Lord,

1217
01:15:27.120 --> 01:15:32.920
if if it's not to be I accept your will, I will be happy

1218
01:15:32.920 --> 01:15:36.040
being single. And then of course, you know, Jackie's thing

1219
01:15:36.040 --> 01:15:40.200
came up and I'm like, Oh, I'm gonna get in this challenge

1220
01:15:40.200 --> 01:15:45.560
thing. Yeah, okay, this is my last chance. Maybe maybe just

1221
01:15:45.560 --> 01:15:48.600
maybe though the good Lord is saying no, don't you give up

1222
01:15:48.600 --> 01:15:54.520
yet. So I'm excited, but maybe cautious.

1223
01:15:55.120 --> 01:15:57.200
That's true. Because you've been engaged twice you've been

1224
01:15:57.200 --> 01:15:58.120
married before?

1225
01:15:58.800 --> 01:16:00.440
Unfortunately, yes.

1226
01:16:01.360 --> 01:16:01.680
Why?

1227
01:16:03.680 --> 01:16:09.200
I was married for 20 years to an extreme narcissist. Yeah. And my

1228
01:16:09.200 --> 01:16:12.720
first marriage was only a year that was a physically abusive

1229
01:16:12.720 --> 01:16:17.400
situation. So too bad, too bad marriages. Only good thing that

1230
01:16:17.400 --> 01:16:20.800
came out of the second one was my two children. Blessings.

1231
01:16:21.920 --> 01:16:23.920
And how long were your engagements?

1232
01:16:24.720 --> 01:16:30.640
One was about a year. And the other one was about six months.

1233
01:16:30.680 --> 01:16:36.280
Yeah. And I broke things off because I felt in my I did not

1234
01:16:36.280 --> 01:16:41.560
feel peace because they were not at the level. They were not

1235
01:16:41.560 --> 01:16:46.280
Christ followers. I mean, I don't like to judge other

1236
01:16:46.280 --> 01:16:49.520
people, but I know what you're saying. They weren't at the

1237
01:16:49.520 --> 01:16:52.080
level that I was looking for.

1238
01:16:52.680 --> 01:16:58.880
That's right. Well, I understand that you have some hesitation

1239
01:16:59.040 --> 01:17:02.000
this go around, but we want to stand and believe with you,

1240
01:17:02.000 --> 01:17:05.920
Linda. And I believe that when our heart gets healed, that it

1241
01:17:05.920 --> 01:17:11.600
sees differently. And I believe that it's a desire for you, you

1242
01:17:11.600 --> 01:17:14.360
have a desire to be married, and then you're going to be married.

1243
01:17:14.400 --> 01:17:17.480
And so we're excited to stand with you. We watch people get

1244
01:17:17.480 --> 01:17:21.560
married all the time. And it is not far from our thoughts. You

1245
01:17:21.560 --> 01:17:23.920
know, after you watch miracles so much, you start to believe

1246
01:17:23.920 --> 01:17:26.920
that they really are true, right? You watch doing something

1247
01:17:26.920 --> 01:17:29.880
over and over, you know, that is totally doable. And nothing's

1248
01:17:29.880 --> 01:17:34.480
gonna stop you. Not your not your history. Not nothing. Not

1249
01:17:34.560 --> 01:17:38.880
anything that you think about yourself won't stop you. Um, it

1250
01:17:38.880 --> 01:17:42.600
just won't stop you. And so we believe we've seen, we've seen

1251
01:17:42.600 --> 01:17:43.360
them all.

1252
01:17:43.920 --> 01:17:47.320
Yeah, and I love that Jackie posts some all the engagements

1253
01:17:47.320 --> 01:17:50.840
and the weddings because I don't know about anybody else, but it

1254
01:17:50.840 --> 01:17:54.840
gives me hope. It's like, Oh, yeah, that's cool. There's

1255
01:17:54.880 --> 01:17:56.840
there's got to be someone out there for me.

1256
01:17:57.160 --> 01:18:00.880
Yeah, it is. It's a lot of people. It only takes one.

1257
01:18:02.120 --> 01:18:05.480
Thank you. You're welcome. Go for Mandy.

1258
01:18:08.440 --> 01:18:10.560
Oh, my goodness. Okay.

1259
01:18:13.480 --> 01:18:16.480
First of all, Ebony, this is only my second time being here.

1260
01:18:16.480 --> 01:18:20.240
But you crack me up. I'm like laughing at everything. You're

1261
01:18:20.240 --> 01:18:23.800
just so funny. And I'm like, this is awesome. Um, I don't

1262
01:18:23.800 --> 01:18:26.240
understand the phases really well. So when you were like,

1263
01:18:26.240 --> 01:18:27.760
stay at phase two, I was like, deal.

1264
01:18:31.680 --> 01:18:34.600
Okay, so I have a few questions. I'm going to clump these

1265
01:18:34.600 --> 01:18:39.680
together. I have not talked on the phone with anybody. I have

1266
01:18:39.680 --> 01:18:43.400
not. Now I've only been doing this for like a week and a half.

1267
01:18:43.440 --> 01:18:47.040
Like it hasn't been long, right? Or maybe two weeks now. I've had

1268
01:18:47.040 --> 01:18:51.280
a few conversations. I met a really great guy. And his name

1269
01:18:51.280 --> 01:18:55.360
was Robin. But he just looked too old. And I couldn't get over

1270
01:18:55.360 --> 01:18:57.920
that. And he has grown children. And I have a seven and eight

1271
01:18:57.920 --> 01:19:00.800
year old and I just felt like we're two different phases. But

1272
01:19:00.800 --> 01:19:05.480
such an awesome man of God. Like, we just taught he shared

1273
01:19:05.480 --> 01:19:08.120
his Facebook with me. So I got to look at his Facebook and

1274
01:19:08.120 --> 01:19:11.520
stuff like that, you know. And I told him I said, you know, I

1275
01:19:11.520 --> 01:19:14.080
just I didn't have peace about it. And I just let him know,

1276
01:19:14.240 --> 01:19:17.120
hey, I, you know, spent some time with God last night, I

1277
01:19:17.120 --> 01:19:19.760
really prayed into it. I just feel like we're two different

1278
01:19:19.760 --> 01:19:23.440
phases in life. And but you're such an awesome guy. And I have

1279
01:19:23.440 --> 01:19:27.240
a great group of women that I'm in community with that would

1280
01:19:27.240 --> 01:19:31.480
love to get to know you let me know if you're open to it. So he

1281
01:19:31.480 --> 01:19:33.960
was like, let me pray about it. And he got back to me like a day

1282
01:19:33.960 --> 01:19:39.480
later. And he was like, Okay, I'm open to meet these ladies,

1283
01:19:39.480 --> 01:19:42.360
you know, if I could be a blessing for someone. And so he

1284
01:19:42.360 --> 01:19:44.840
has three grown children, but they're all in between like

1285
01:19:44.880 --> 01:19:50.640
early 20s, like 20 through 25. And anyway, he's just such an

1286
01:19:50.640 --> 01:19:54.320
awesome guy. So I reached out to one lady on here that I felt

1287
01:19:54.320 --> 01:19:56.600
like God put on my heart. She said she's gonna pray about it.

1288
01:19:57.040 --> 01:19:59.680
And then anyway, okay, so there's that.

1289
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:08.000
And then I had another one, you know, how we were talking about people just like vomiting all their stuff.

1290
01:20:08.000 --> 01:20:13.000
I literally was matched with this guy on ARC. I'm doing Facebook and ARC.

1291
01:20:13.000 --> 01:20:20.000
And I paid for ARC, which stinks that everyone's saying that no one responds because I'm like, oh, well, I just paid for three months of that.

1292
01:20:20.000 --> 01:20:24.000
So that's great.

1293
01:20:25.000 --> 01:20:29.000
This guy respond and he was like.

1294
01:20:29.000 --> 01:20:32.000
He was like, if I could relate to anybody in the Bible, it'd be David.

1295
01:20:32.000 --> 01:20:34.000
He goes without the idolatry.

1296
01:20:34.000 --> 01:20:40.000
And then I was like, OK, I was like, and hopefully without the murder, too.

1297
01:20:40.000 --> 01:20:47.000
And he goes, well, actually, and sends me his testimony on YouTube.

1298
01:20:47.000 --> 01:20:51.000
He has murdered somebody. And I'm like, what in the world is going on with these apps?

1299
01:20:51.000 --> 01:20:54.000
I so listen, this is my first.

1300
01:20:54.000 --> 01:20:58.000
It's my first time ever in my life doing a dating app.

1301
01:20:58.000 --> 01:21:04.000
And I'm like, I don't know. I mean, I'm so glad you were redeemed in the name of Jesus.

1302
01:21:04.000 --> 01:21:07.000
I'm like, hallelujah. The blood of Jesus has washed over you.

1303
01:21:07.000 --> 01:21:11.000
You've repented of your sins. You've been a born again believer, you know, all the things.

1304
01:21:11.000 --> 01:21:17.000
But I am like this to children like, no, thank you.

1305
01:21:17.000 --> 01:21:24.000
So anyway, I have. Yeah. So it's been a lot.

1306
01:21:24.000 --> 01:21:28.000
Oh, somebody. OK, so I'm just venting for those two, OK?

1307
01:21:28.000 --> 01:21:35.000
But for the my actual question, somebody said not to ask religious questions.

1308
01:21:35.000 --> 01:21:41.000
I literally thought that that was like my key to weeding out the not good ones.

1309
01:21:41.000 --> 01:21:43.000
So I must have missed that.

1310
01:21:43.000 --> 01:21:49.000
I have watched all the videos already in phase two because I had a six hour drive and I just knocked them all out.

1311
01:21:49.000 --> 01:21:52.000
So I thought I was like paying attention.

1312
01:21:52.000 --> 01:21:55.000
I guess I missed like because that's huge for me.

1313
01:21:55.000 --> 01:21:59.000
If we are not on the same page spiritually, I'm going to pull you up.

1314
01:21:59.000 --> 01:22:02.000
I want I and I don't want to change anybody.

1315
01:22:02.000 --> 01:22:10.000
So I want to know where you're at spiritually so that I can choose whether or not, you know.

1316
01:22:10.000 --> 01:22:13.000
Yeah. So I that is what I've been asking them.

1317
01:22:13.000 --> 01:22:16.000
OK, you're a Christian. Like, what does that look like for you?

1318
01:22:16.000 --> 01:22:18.000
Like, what is your walk with God look like?

1319
01:22:18.000 --> 01:22:23.000
I felt like that was OK answer, but you can let me know your honest opinion if I shouldn't be asking that.

1320
01:22:23.000 --> 01:22:29.000
So some people will respond with, well, I believe in God, but I don't go to church.

1321
01:22:29.000 --> 01:22:31.000
I'm like, OK, that's you know, that's fine.

1322
01:22:31.000 --> 01:22:34.000
The church can be the body like it doesn't have to be like a building.

1323
01:22:34.000 --> 01:22:40.000
You know, even though in my heart, I'm like, no, my man better go to church because it's only one day a week.

1324
01:22:40.000 --> 01:22:42.000
Like, you better get your butt out of bed.

1325
01:22:42.000 --> 01:22:45.000
But, you know, I don't say that to them.

1326
01:22:45.000 --> 01:22:48.000
Of course, I keep my comments in my head.

1327
01:22:48.000 --> 01:22:53.000
But then sometimes they'll be like, oh, I have a really, really close relationship with God.

1328
01:22:53.000 --> 01:22:56.000
Like we're you know, like me and God are close.

1329
01:22:56.000 --> 01:22:58.000
And I'm like, OK, like, what does that look like?

1330
01:22:58.000 --> 01:23:03.000
So I'm trying to get them to answer questions without me being like, do you read your Bible?

1331
01:23:03.000 --> 01:23:04.000
Do you do this?

1332
01:23:04.000 --> 01:23:05.000
Do you do that?

1333
01:23:05.000 --> 01:23:08.000
Because I don't want to be I'm not anyone's mom and that's not my place.

1334
01:23:08.000 --> 01:23:11.000
But I'm also wanting them to like open up about that.

1335
01:23:11.000 --> 01:23:15.000
So half the guys don't respond, which is great because I'm like, well, that's awesome.

1336
01:23:15.000 --> 01:23:18.000
You don't want to answer those questions because you're not there yet.

1337
01:23:18.000 --> 01:23:19.000
That saved us time.

1338
01:23:19.000 --> 01:23:22.000
So let me know what's going wrong.

1339
01:23:22.000 --> 01:23:24.000
Yeah, let me let me speak to that.

1340
01:23:24.000 --> 01:23:30.000
See, one of the things that happened is we believe that because someone tells us something that is true.

1341
01:23:30.000 --> 01:23:35.000
OK, so you believe that the measure of a person comes from the words that come out of their mouth.

1342
01:23:35.000 --> 01:23:37.000
OK, fruit inspectors.

1343
01:23:37.000 --> 01:23:41.000
And so a person to how many people are coaching?

1344
01:23:41.000 --> 01:23:43.000
He loves God.

1345
01:23:43.000 --> 01:23:46.000
He does this and he loves God.

1346
01:23:46.000 --> 01:23:47.000
Who told you he loved God?

1347
01:23:47.000 --> 01:23:49.000
He said he loved God.

1348
01:23:49.000 --> 01:23:52.000
He tried to have sex with you the next night, but he loves God.

1349
01:23:52.000 --> 01:23:53.000
He speaks in tongues.

1350
01:23:53.000 --> 01:23:54.000
He's a minister.

1351
01:23:54.000 --> 01:23:56.000
They tried to have sex with you last week.

1352
01:23:57.000 --> 01:24:01.000
And so you say this is your go ahead to get to know him because he loves God.

1353
01:24:01.000 --> 01:24:02.000
Right.

1354
01:24:02.000 --> 01:24:06.000
He reads his Bible and he does this in the church.

1355
01:24:06.000 --> 01:24:11.000
And so you so you say, oh, he's great because he said this.

1356
01:24:11.000 --> 01:24:16.000
And then what happens is when he shows up differently, what you say is, well, you say it.

1357
01:24:16.000 --> 01:24:18.000
Well, you say it.

1358
01:24:18.000 --> 01:24:22.000
And so you measured a person by what they said and not by who they are.

1359
01:24:22.000 --> 01:24:30.000
And so when we start off with this interview saying, oh, I need to know that you're this believer before I give you any, any, any time.

1360
01:24:30.000 --> 01:24:33.000
I don't want to waste my time investing in you.

1361
01:24:33.000 --> 01:24:37.000
Investment is part of the point is part of the package.

1362
01:24:37.000 --> 01:24:38.000
Yeah.

1363
01:24:38.000 --> 01:24:40.000
You're not going to get around it.

1364
01:24:40.000 --> 01:24:45.000
If you're going to date, you're going to invest in the greatest investment is in yourself.

1365
01:24:46.000 --> 01:24:52.000
And one investment that we as women have to make is learning how to be observant.

1366
01:24:52.000 --> 01:24:53.000
Yeah.

1367
01:24:53.000 --> 01:24:59.000
A man can preach the gospel, lay hands on the sick and watch them recover and not know how to communicate with you at home.

1368
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:05.600
true not know how to lead his family he can lead a mega church and not know how to lead his family

1369
01:25:05.600 --> 01:25:09.280
yeah that's true he can be a father to people in ministry and not know how to be a father to

1370
01:25:09.280 --> 01:25:14.080
your children at home yeah you can listen to people in counseling and not know how to connect

1371
01:25:14.080 --> 01:25:19.520
with you and so what happens is when we go on dates with interview type questions it robs us

1372
01:25:19.520 --> 01:25:24.640
of the opportunity to get to know a person because as soon as they say they are what we're looking

1373
01:25:24.640 --> 01:25:33.200
for we no longer investigate yeah that's why we come up back at the end well he said and i thought

1374
01:25:33.920 --> 01:25:40.640
and it don't count for nothing because you could have observed that person and let them show up as

1375
01:25:40.640 --> 01:25:47.360
themselves don't rob people of the opportunity to be themselves when you come with all these

1376
01:25:47.360 --> 01:25:52.640
interview type questions and expectations people will be who you want them to be because you've

1377
01:25:52.640 --> 01:25:58.800
already told them who you want them to be but the beauty of dating someone is letting that person

1378
01:25:58.800 --> 01:26:04.560
show up and so if they want to come on the date with you in cuffs like a sailor let them curse

1379
01:26:04.560 --> 01:26:10.960
like a sailor instead of saying i know he ain't talking that way around me and it's like who are

1380
01:26:10.960 --> 01:26:17.920
you jesus i mean like who are you and when you have to like process that way like let them be

1381
01:26:18.640 --> 01:26:26.400
who they are and then you make a decision like this like oh i see he has a foul mouth well that's

1382
01:26:26.400 --> 01:26:32.080
just who he is i really don't prefer to keep company with people with foul mouths like you

1383
01:26:32.080 --> 01:26:38.400
don't have to take offense to who another person is when you give them freedom to be themselves and

1384
01:26:38.400 --> 01:26:44.960
you get to be who you are too that's the thing about when you start asking people spiritual

1385
01:26:44.960 --> 01:26:50.560
questions you really believe in your mind that you know them better than you do oh you really

1386
01:26:50.560 --> 01:26:59.120
don't know them at all right yes yes so we don't do spiritual questions we don't do like all these

1387
01:26:59.120 --> 01:27:05.280
deep conversations we kind of let things unfold and that's how you develop healthy communication

1388
01:27:05.280 --> 01:27:10.800
that's how you grow to get to know a person in a very authentic way so they can be themselves

1389
01:27:10.800 --> 01:27:14.480
and remember ladies when you're dating the greatest investment that you're ever making

1390
01:27:14.480 --> 01:27:22.640
is in yourself yeah okay i have one more quick question sorry go ahead okay so my non-negotiables

1391
01:27:22.640 --> 01:27:29.600
are um drinking smoking because i came out of a very heavy addiction to that um and so it's

1392
01:27:29.600 --> 01:27:33.840
something that i just yeah that's just one of the things i don't want it in my bloodline i don't want

1393
01:27:33.920 --> 01:27:42.880
it around my kids i don't want it around me um so a lot that cuts out like 95 of these men i mean

1394
01:27:42.880 --> 01:27:48.880
truthfully when they're like you know social i'm a social drinker well social could be um you drink

1395
01:27:48.880 --> 01:27:56.000
every weekend social could be you drink once a year so how do i go about that dude so i have

1396
01:27:56.000 --> 01:28:01.760
been just exiting every guy that's a social drinker social smoker and i have like i feel

1397
01:28:01.760 --> 01:28:07.280
like i've weeded out like 90% of men in america already and um yeah i just don't know what to do

1398
01:28:07.280 --> 01:28:13.040
with that but i really feel like i can't i really like that is something that god's really put on my

1399
01:28:13.040 --> 01:28:20.480
heart heavy to like don't lower my standards in those areas just because of my past i think that

1400
01:28:20.480 --> 01:28:27.200
uh now you want to go on a date so mandy it sounds like to me you're you you pick me because you

1401
01:28:27.200 --> 01:28:32.400
think that could possibly be your husband yeah much as you might not want to do this you're going

1402
01:28:32.400 --> 01:28:37.920
to enjoy this process better and you're going to learn how to set boundaries and grow if you date

1403
01:28:37.920 --> 01:28:44.640
for discovery yeah because you're gonna have to open up i don't if they drink it has nothing to

1404
01:28:44.640 --> 01:28:49.920
do with you they're not your husband so you're missing opportunities of dating because you think

1405
01:28:49.920 --> 01:28:56.400
that man is your husband and he's not your husband he's a date yeah and so sometimes we have these

1406
01:28:56.400 --> 01:29:03.280
thoughts before we come into this world that i don't want to date my husband well who and what

1407
01:29:03.840 --> 01:29:10.160
how are you going to grow and learn and have capacity for marriage trust me if anybody been

1408
01:29:10.160 --> 01:29:15.280
married before and divorced you know that marriage or you're a widow you know that marriage is

1409
01:29:15.280 --> 01:29:21.840
challenging yeah and it requires a level of capacity you have not known if you've never

1410
01:29:21.840 --> 01:29:28.080
been there before trust me it's like when somebody's been a parent i already know i'm

1411
01:29:28.080 --> 01:29:34.480
not a parent and it's something you don't get until you birth that child and all of a sudden

1412
01:29:34.480 --> 01:29:41.920
it's like oh it's just it's just and you can act like a parent and want to spank other people

1413
01:29:41.920 --> 01:29:46.560
children and tell them what they should do till you have your own when you have your own all that

1414
01:29:46.560 --> 01:29:52.880
you used to do you close your mouth because now you know it's different the same thing with

1415
01:29:52.880 --> 01:29:59.920
marriage and so it will do you well mainly today if a person is a social drinker it really has

1416
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:06.080
There's nothing to do with you until they ask you to be more romantic with them or something if it's just a date

1417
01:30:06.080 --> 01:30:11.040
It's just a date and then when they say, you know, I really like getting to know you you say, um

1418
01:30:11.640 --> 01:30:16.960
Well, thanks Alicia. I like getting to know you also, but one of the things that I'm really big on is

1419
01:30:17.360 --> 01:30:21.080
Drinking and I know you say you do it socially but in order for me to go for it

1420
01:30:21.080 --> 01:30:25.920
I think you're a great guy and you're a believer and I like these things about you like at this point

1421
01:30:25.920 --> 01:30:29.480
You know if you've gotten to that point you can say I just don't do drinking

1422
01:30:29.480 --> 01:30:35.800
I have young children and that's not something that I'm willing to live with is that it's a deal-breaker for me

1423
01:30:35.800 --> 01:30:37.960
And that man may say to you. Oh

1424
01:30:38.600 --> 01:30:42.040
That's no big deal. I don't have to drink. I think you're worth it

1425
01:30:43.040 --> 01:30:46.800
And so like there's a lot of ways you can play these scenarios out

1426
01:30:47.420 --> 01:30:53.560
You don't have to you don't have to lower your standard and I'm gonna speed up so we get the last few but I'm gonna say

1427
01:30:53.560 --> 01:30:57.920
This mainly my therapist said that when she met her husband

1428
01:30:58.840 --> 01:31:00.980
She she didn't want to get in time of the day

1429
01:31:01.560 --> 01:31:07.160
She didn't even know he drank or smoked, but she told him one day in their conversation. I wouldn't marry a man that drank

1430
01:31:07.240 --> 01:31:10.180
She didn't find out to after they got married that he stopped drinking that day

1431
01:31:10.640 --> 01:31:13.240
And then next time they were talking they went on the hike

1432
01:31:13.240 --> 01:31:15.760
She said I wouldn't consider a man that smoked cigarette

1433
01:31:15.760 --> 01:31:21.840
He quit smoking cigarettes now am I saying go get you a man that smoking drinking hope he quit

1434
01:31:21.840 --> 01:31:27.400
That's not what I'm saying. But a lot of times we throw out. Well, God told me don't lower my standard good

1435
01:31:27.400 --> 01:31:31.160
Don't lower your standard, but you just don't know how things are working

1436
01:31:31.160 --> 01:31:35.840
And so when you do this streamlining you start cutting people out based on something

1437
01:31:37.720 --> 01:31:42.900
You know like they may say yeah, I'm a social drinker because they want to be honest, but they only had one drink this year

1438
01:31:43.520 --> 01:31:48.200
Yeah, and you're saying oh no, you're one drink this year. Oh, no

1439
01:31:49.080 --> 01:31:54.720
You didn't even give him a chance. So I had to think about last year was the last time I had a drink

1440
01:31:54.720 --> 01:31:56.560
I don't drink. I

1441
01:31:56.560 --> 01:31:58.720
Don't know. I just kind of grew out of it

1442
01:31:59.720 --> 01:32:03.120
But if somebody asked me have you had a drink in a year and I would say yeah

1443
01:32:03.120 --> 01:32:05.960
I'm like, oh, I don't I don't want to deal with you. It's like what?

1444
01:32:06.920 --> 01:32:10.480
Mm-hmm. It was a sip of a margarita and I didn't even finish it

1445
01:32:10.480 --> 01:32:17.460
But what happens is when you start measuring that way you you give me what I'm saying Mandy. Yes. Thank you so much

1446
01:32:17.520 --> 01:32:18.960
Thank you

1447
01:32:18.960 --> 01:32:20.960
Okay

1448
01:32:20.960 --> 01:32:22.960
I'll turn

1449
01:32:23.840 --> 01:32:29.600
Yeah, and then you're in the after Felicia is you Lenina

1450
01:32:33.560 --> 01:32:35.560
Hey, yeah

1451
01:32:36.080 --> 01:32:43.440
I remember that you say as long as I'm pretty doesn't matter what he looks like. I mean, I don't want that looks too bad

1452
01:32:46.720 --> 01:32:48.720
But anyway, um, so

1453
01:32:49.400 --> 01:32:55.400
Few things so the other guy I just kind of you know, even though it's really nice me

1454
01:32:57.800 --> 01:33:00.040
You do what Felicia I can't hear you I

1455
01:33:03.760 --> 01:33:05.760
Think you're on mute

1456
01:33:09.760 --> 01:33:11.760
Felicia

1457
01:33:19.720 --> 01:33:21.720
You

1458
01:33:22.520 --> 01:33:26.520
Are you hearing me we hear you now? Yeah. Oh and ladies Harry

1459
01:33:28.160 --> 01:33:32.360
Hold up one second Felicia ladies if you're new the session in the a 15

1460
01:33:33.080 --> 01:33:38.200
You are always welcome to exit. I just because a lot of ladies hands were up for a long time

1461
01:33:38.200 --> 01:33:41.520
I'd like to go ahead and take those questions because their hands were already up

1462
01:33:41.680 --> 01:33:44.920
But you don't don't feel like obliged to stay on the call

1463
01:33:45.920 --> 01:33:50.840
You can exit in time you like I just want to say that to you go ahead Felicia

1464
01:33:51.600 --> 01:33:59.600
Yes, I nicely kind of let him understand that you know, he was not the person that I'm really looking for and because it's a discovery

1465
01:33:59.600 --> 01:34:05.360
I just want to you know, nicely know that he didn't want to really have it, but he wasn't disrespectful

1466
01:34:05.360 --> 01:34:08.520
He was just claiming that I was his and all of that good stuff

1467
01:34:08.840 --> 01:34:12.680
But anyway, I had an experience where I had met this other guy. I didn't meet him

1468
01:34:12.680 --> 01:34:17.160
I talked to him on the phone and I mean everything you want to say and I just want to say, you know

1469
01:34:17.160 --> 01:34:19.440
everything that you guys teach is so on point and

1470
01:34:20.120 --> 01:34:20.720
You know

1471
01:34:20.720 --> 01:34:26.040
Do you follow the guidelines just talk about that last week and I still don't get to post on the group because there's so much

1472
01:34:26.040 --> 01:34:28.040
Come at me and then I'm like, oh my god

1473
01:34:29.120 --> 01:34:32.240
But you know everything he said everything about the whole Bible

1474
01:34:32.240 --> 01:34:36.360
I mean not really going to it, but he kind of talked, you know, say I'm a gift

1475
01:34:36.360 --> 01:34:41.240
I'm a really gift and it doesn't matter if it's for him or for someone else

1476
01:34:41.240 --> 01:34:47.280
I'm really a gift and all the great things what I got to maybe after two days talking to him

1477
01:34:47.280 --> 01:34:53.160
I felt I need to have a video call and I kind of was feeling my spirit that I need to kind of put that

1478
01:34:53.160 --> 01:34:59.480
Out there that I need a video call. Let me tell her this is that this man. He he was like the man

1479
01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:06.800
could say, but because I'm not, I don't attach to people, you know, by what they say, I kind of need

1480
01:35:06.800 --> 01:35:12.800
to see action. So I said to him, so today we're going to need to do a video call. And you know,

1481
01:35:12.800 --> 01:35:17.600
this is the guideline I follow, and that's what it's going to be. And nicely, and he, I said,

1482
01:35:17.600 --> 01:35:22.800
if we can, if you can't do that, cause he keep going around it, his phone doesn't give it, he

1483
01:35:22.800 --> 01:35:27.520
can't find a way to do it. I don't know a lot of going around, but I honestly think before maybe

1484
01:35:27.520 --> 01:35:33.920
he didn't understand it, but I just think that something was not sounding right. So I told him

1485
01:35:33.920 --> 01:35:37.360
that, and then that was it. I said, we're not going to have another conversation unless you do

1486
01:35:37.360 --> 01:35:42.000
a video call. And he just didn't do it. I don't know what happened to him. And like I said, you

1487
01:35:42.000 --> 01:35:45.840
know, you hear the great things, you hear the word. I mean, he didn't get into much of it,

1488
01:35:45.840 --> 01:35:49.920
but you know, that's what a man would say, you know, you're a gift, you're a nice woman,

1489
01:35:49.920 --> 01:35:54.000
someone I would want, you know, God, you know, the scripture about a man finds a wife,

1490
01:35:54.000 --> 01:36:00.400
he finds a good thing. And I'm not, I am not all for that because I got to see when you're walking

1491
01:36:00.400 --> 01:36:06.160
around me and you're driving in the car, if you're going to curse at someone, if they turn on you,

1492
01:36:06.160 --> 01:36:10.640
those are the things I'm looking for. Like you said, you can see, you know, God, you read the

1493
01:36:10.640 --> 01:36:17.280
word and I'm telling you, you got to see them in action. And then it moved from there. Now,

1494
01:36:17.280 --> 01:36:21.040
another, and let me tell you, I learned, I'm learning so much. I say that every week,

1495
01:36:21.680 --> 01:36:27.440
listen, this jungle, Facebook dating, that's the one I stuck to really. I learned so much.

1496
01:36:28.000 --> 01:36:34.080
I'm picking, I'm getting to know me, I'm getting to, you know, find where I'm at, you know,

1497
01:36:34.080 --> 01:36:39.920
am I attaching to this one because he said that or not. And now I'm talking to this other guy and,

1498
01:36:39.920 --> 01:36:45.680
you know, I'm just, I'm just, I'm a fruit inspector. I get to be a professional fruit inspector.

1499
01:36:46.560 --> 01:36:52.320
I don't get to judge. And I don't get to, let me tell you, it's so exciting to do that. And when I

1500
01:36:52.320 --> 01:36:56.160
get in those places where I'm kind of feeling like, you know, I'm tired of it. Like Ebony said,

1501
01:36:56.160 --> 01:37:00.560
I start to go out and I just, oh, I saw a guy yesterday when I went to the DMV and he,

1502
01:37:00.560 --> 01:37:04.400
I have a cleaning business sign on my car. And he said, are you looking for hired help? I said,

1503
01:37:04.400 --> 01:37:08.240
I'm looking for many different hired help. I'm looking for a husband. I'm looking for people

1504
01:37:09.120 --> 01:37:16.960
to work for me. And he's tall and he's older, but he looks good. And I'm like,

1505
01:37:16.960 --> 01:37:21.760
I'm looking for a husband, people to work for me. I mean, whatever he was laughing,

1506
01:37:21.760 --> 01:37:25.040
he was cracking up. So yeah, what you're saying is so true. But what I'm saying is,

1507
01:37:25.040 --> 01:37:30.320
are you thinking, do you think I'm too picky or I'm too direct? Because, you know, I clean it up.

1508
01:37:30.320 --> 01:37:36.560
I let them know that, listen, if it's not gonna, if it's going to waste my emotional time to leave

1509
01:37:36.560 --> 01:37:40.880
me in a place where I think you're somebody and you're not, let's, let's talk about that right

1510
01:37:40.880 --> 01:37:45.280
now. I don't have the time. I schedule time to do these things. I put different people in schedule

1511
01:37:45.920 --> 01:37:52.160
and I inspect the food. I'm kind of thinking I haven't meet someone yet. I'm looking for people

1512
01:37:52.160 --> 01:37:57.920
around my era close to me. They're kind of, you can see them playing, like they texting buddy.

1513
01:37:57.920 --> 01:38:02.320
They're looking for casual. And I asked them, I said, what does that mean? So they might put it

1514
01:38:02.320 --> 01:38:06.800
up there. They don't know, you know, I said, what does casual mean? And they explained someone to

1515
01:38:06.800 --> 01:38:11.520
just hang out with and, you know, kind of see where it goes. I said, well, I don't know if

1516
01:38:11.520 --> 01:38:16.480
I'm looking for that. You know, my intentions are different and they will be like, wow,

1517
01:38:17.280 --> 01:38:22.960
you know what you want? Yes, I do. Do you think I'm kind of too direct or I'm too,

1518
01:38:24.560 --> 01:38:31.360
you know, I'm kind of wondering. Well, you, you know, I'm very direct. So I enjoy, I think it's

1519
01:38:31.360 --> 01:38:39.520
kind to be direct. But you may be being a little too picky and you don't need to be picky. You just

1520
01:38:39.520 --> 01:38:45.120
need to pick somebody who looks like they, they're safe enough to meet for coffee. Cause I want you

1521
01:38:45.120 --> 01:38:52.000
on a coffee date. And so I want you to, if they say they're just casual, it doesn't matter. If

1522
01:38:52.000 --> 01:38:55.120
they match your truth and they want to go to a coffee date, you go to a coffee date because

1523
01:38:55.120 --> 01:38:59.440
they're not your husband. And so it didn't matter if they were looking for a friend, a casual,

1524
01:38:59.440 --> 01:39:05.920
you looking for a date. And I want you to go on a date because you can't inspect that

1525
01:39:05.920 --> 01:39:09.520
much fruit from on the other side of the screen. You have to actually get to know people.

1526
01:39:11.040 --> 01:39:18.560
That is so true. It makes all the sense. I'm so excited to go on a date. Let me tell you,

1527
01:39:18.560 --> 01:39:25.920
I'm so excited. Listen, I'm kind of, I don't care. Okay. Yeah. Get somebody. I want you to go on a

1528
01:39:25.920 --> 01:39:32.400
date soon. Try to get a date for next Friday if you're free or Saturday to the coffee shop.

1529
01:39:33.200 --> 01:39:37.120
Yeah. I'm a beautiful woman. So I know you can get a date quickly.

1530
01:39:37.120 --> 01:39:40.960
Yes I am. I think I'm too picky. All right. I'm going to work on that. Thank you, Ebony.

1531
01:39:40.960 --> 01:39:44.960
You're welcome. Um, no, there's nothing wrong with you putting on your profile

1532
01:39:44.960 --> 01:39:48.320
that you're looking for a long-term relationship on your profile, Laura.

1533
01:39:48.320 --> 01:39:59.920
Go ahead Lamina. Hi ladies. Um, I'd just like to say, uh, this is my first

1534
01:40:00.000 --> 01:40:06.080
time and I just want to thank everybody for being so brutally honest and up front and genuine.

1535
01:40:06.720 --> 01:40:14.640
I love a community where women can be themselves and uplift each other instead of tearing each

1536
01:40:14.640 --> 01:40:22.960
other down. So this is wonderful. This is very difficult for me because I don't know that I ever

1537
01:40:22.960 --> 01:40:30.160
really dated. I had little two little boyfriends in high school and then I went to college and I

1538
01:40:30.160 --> 01:40:38.080
was the good girl and I dated two boys and I dated and I married the second one and was married for a

1539
01:40:38.080 --> 01:40:48.720
long long time before I was divorced and married him again and now I'm here 50 years old and

1540
01:40:48.720 --> 01:40:55.120
haven't dated in 20 plus years. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to swipe. I don't know

1541
01:40:55.120 --> 01:41:03.920
how to get on these app things. I found Jackie by like these these you know circumstances and

1542
01:41:03.920 --> 01:41:08.800
everything came together and and I was like yes I know I don't want to be single. I want to be a

1543
01:41:08.800 --> 01:41:16.240
helpmate. I know I was built to be a helpmate so I want to find my soul mate, my soul tie, all of that

1544
01:41:16.240 --> 01:41:23.120
goodness. I just don't know how to do it. This challenge is weirding me out. I don't know how

1545
01:41:23.120 --> 01:41:30.000
I'm supposed to do this. I know I'm gonna be on a cruise in about 20 days. I treated myself to a

1546
01:41:30.000 --> 01:41:38.480
cruise to Europe and I am ready for whatever life brings but I'm like can you date in a foreign land

1547
01:41:38.480 --> 01:41:46.560
and and come back with an Italian prince of a husband? I don't know. I don't know. I just

1548
01:41:46.560 --> 01:41:50.720
I'm like I'm ready for anything but I don't know that I know how to do this.

1549
01:41:51.440 --> 01:41:57.520
I don't know how to do this. I'm being completely honest in the front. So most of the ladies can

1550
01:41:57.520 --> 01:42:05.520
attest with your testimony that they don't know how to date. I never dated before I dated before

1551
01:42:05.520 --> 01:42:14.080
this program. When I went off to, well I dated like my high school sweetheart like 12 for like

1552
01:42:14.080 --> 01:42:21.040
six years. He was the only person and then I said Lord. I came out of the relationship. I was like

1553
01:42:21.040 --> 01:42:26.960
Lord you keep me until you send my husband and so then I married my ex-husband very quickly. I

1554
01:42:26.960 --> 01:42:32.880
didn't date. We didn't even date long before we got married and then so even though I was young,

1555
01:42:32.880 --> 01:42:38.000
I'm not as young anymore. I didn't have experience with dating and most women that come into don't

1556
01:42:38.000 --> 01:42:44.800
have experience with dating. Dating is like nerve-wracking. It can be challenging to put

1557
01:42:44.800 --> 01:42:51.040
yourself out there like that. It's not just you Lenina and your age. I know you feel like it

1558
01:42:51.040 --> 01:42:54.880
matters and I know a lot of times when ladies are in a group and you're with younger ladies it feels

1559
01:42:54.880 --> 01:43:02.000
like oh well we're older. All those things don't count for us but more older, more seasoned individuals

1560
01:43:02.000 --> 01:43:07.840
get married in this program. It's the season. If you see the pictures, it's women that are well-aged and

1561
01:43:07.840 --> 01:43:14.880
men that are aged get married a lot in this program. It's not just young people you see getting married

1562
01:43:14.880 --> 01:43:20.720
and so I want you to know that my friend Ralph, he was 64. He was in the program. He was one of the

1563
01:43:20.720 --> 01:43:28.560
men mentors and he married Diana and she was in this program and she was 55 and he moved to New

1564
01:43:28.560 --> 01:43:33.280
York where she was because she still had children. They were in high school and she had a custody

1565
01:43:33.280 --> 01:43:37.280
thing where she couldn't move out of state. So all I'm saying is

1566
01:43:39.280 --> 01:43:46.240
it's gonna happen. It's happening. It happens all the time and everyone is nervous about it and you

1567
01:43:46.240 --> 01:43:52.240
get to do, think of it like this, you get to do what you never done before and that's learn Lenina

1568
01:43:52.240 --> 01:43:57.360
in a way that you've not known her. You don't know that woman because you haven't spent, you

1569
01:43:57.360 --> 01:44:04.320
haven't had opportunity to spend time with her and yes, is it scary? But can it be done? Yes. Is it

1570
01:44:04.320 --> 01:44:12.160
worth it? Yeah. What Jackie said, we can do anything. Is it hard? But is it worth it? And so take your time,

1571
01:44:12.160 --> 01:44:18.080
watch dating 101 video. The other videos, they're also good and will help you make your profile,

1572
01:44:18.080 --> 01:44:26.000
get you some pretty pictures and then set up the profile. I did that. I did that for my 50th.

1573
01:44:26.000 --> 01:44:32.960
I got some great ones. Oh good. Take some pictures of your profile and put them on, post them on the

1574
01:44:32.960 --> 01:44:39.360
community wall. I will. Okay and as soon as you get somebody you think you may want to hang out with,

1575
01:44:39.360 --> 01:44:43.440
post it. Tell us about it. You don't, don't y'all don't feel pressure like you'd hair up and answer

1576
01:44:43.440 --> 01:44:50.080
people those men back because they say something to you. You don't. It's okay. No pressure and remember

1577
01:44:50.080 --> 01:44:58.960
we're interested in live dates. Live dates. That means I want a coffee date within a week of meeting

1578
01:44:58.960 --> 01:44:59.760
a person.

1579
01:45:00.000 --> 01:45:06.480
You're not a texting buddy. You are wanting a date because it's gonna feel really good when you go

1580
01:45:08.720 --> 01:45:10.720
Sounds good

1581
01:45:10.800 --> 01:45:12.800
Anything else lenina

1582
01:45:13.040 --> 01:45:19.760
No, thank you. Okay, so we we know we don't talk about sex and exes and all the deep stuff

1583
01:45:20.000 --> 01:45:21.520
So, where do you start?

1584
01:45:21.520 --> 01:45:22.880
Where do you start?

1585
01:45:22.880 --> 01:45:26.720
I think you should this is what I would do and we tell all the ladies to do you just

1586
01:45:27.120 --> 01:45:31.200
Go to google or ask chat gpt icebreaker questions for the first date

1587
01:45:31.920 --> 01:45:33.760
You're gonna get a lot of questions

1588
01:45:33.760 --> 01:45:37.920
You can ask ask on a date and when you get on that confident you can say okay

1589
01:45:38.160 --> 01:45:42.320
I got some icebreaker questions from chat gpt. Let's do the first one

1590
01:45:43.600 --> 01:45:48.000
And then you pick a few that you like and just ask the questions and you're gonna have so much fun

1591
01:45:48.080 --> 01:45:51.280
And you're gonna laugh. It's like okay. This is pretty cool

1592
01:45:52.400 --> 01:45:54.400
I see you michelle. You got it

1593
01:45:55.280 --> 01:45:57.280
Yeah, but do it like that, you know

1594
01:45:58.560 --> 01:45:59.840
Okay

1595
01:45:59.840 --> 01:46:01.200
Yeah, thank you

1596
01:46:01.200 --> 01:46:02.640
You're welcome

1597
01:46:02.640 --> 01:46:07.680
Okay, ladies, you rest. Well, it was fun as always and I look forward to seeing you guys post on the wall

1598
01:46:07.760 --> 01:46:09.760
We want to know how you're doing what you're doing

1599
01:46:10.160 --> 01:46:12.160
And i'm if that's all

1600
01:46:12.400 --> 01:46:15.200
We're gonna say good night, and I will see you

1601
01:46:15.760 --> 01:46:17.760
Are you about to say something burn?

1602
01:46:18.000 --> 01:46:18.800
Yes

1603
01:46:18.800 --> 01:46:21.280
Um, I had to go take care of my guy for a second

1604
01:46:21.440 --> 01:46:27.120
But I heard someone say something about dating site, oh you said post on what were you saying post on what were you saying?

1605
01:46:27.120 --> 01:46:29.120
Put up your profile

1606
01:46:29.600 --> 01:46:31.600
So that I could see it

1607
01:46:31.680 --> 01:46:33.680
her dating profile

1608
01:46:34.000 --> 01:46:39.360
Oh, you was telling her to post her dating. Yeah, she can post her dating profile. Yeah. Okay. I just want to see it

1609
01:46:39.840 --> 01:46:45.920
Okay. Thanks. All right, you're welcome. You all you ladies are welcome. I hope you rest well, and i'll be seeing you soon

1610
01:46:46.080 --> 01:46:47.680
Have a good night

1611
01:46:47.680 --> 01:46:50.240
Thank you. God bless. Good night. Good night. Thank you

1612
01:46:51.280 --> 01:46:53.840
You