All right, welcome, welcome, ladies.
It is July 22nd, this is the 1 o'clock Eastern Love Story Accelerator check-in call.
My name is Karla Johnson.
For those ladies that do not know me, I'm one of your coaches here at Last Year Single.
I was a student at first, found Jackie in 2020, and am a success story, have now been
married almost two years, and was able to meet my spirit mate after a couple years in
the program.
So it is an honor and a pleasure to be able to walk this journey with you ladies on the
same journey that I had been and be able to just pour wisdom into you ladies and just
be your number one cheerleader for your love story that God has written for you.
I've experienced it myself.
I've experienced the highs, the lows, and everything in between, so just know that I
am your sister in the corner that is here for you, okay?
Do I have any ladies that this is their first time here in Love Story Accelerator, call
it phase two, kind of, if you will.
Do I have any newbies?
Yes, Demarius, good to see you.
I see a couple people that I do not typically recognize.
Yes, Helen, first time with you, yes, yes, yes, awesome.
Well, ladies, it is such a pleasure to be with you ladies on this journey, so I'm just
going to take a few minutes to kind of just go over a couple housekeeping items, and then
we'll get started and open the floor up for questions, okay?
So for those of you that are brand new, I want to reassure you that it's this dating,
we call this the dating phase, but if you need to just kind of sit back and absorb,
you're more than welcome to do it.
We're not going to push you out of the nest right away if it's not what you're ready for,
but we do want you to sit and just take in what we do coach here, and within some time,
we do want to get you out and get you dating and get you interacting with people, coming
out of hiding, letting friends and family know that, hey, you're single and ready to
mingle, you want to be set up, maybe you feel called that you can do the whole online dating
thing.
We have a video for that in our content for those of you ladies that this will be your
first time online dating since heartwork, okay?
And so I know it is not uncommon for people to come into this phase and just remind us
how much they do not like online dating.
We get it.
I get it.
I was the same way.
Okay.
I did online dating before this program.
I have the horror stories for it.
And so then, you know, when Jackie's like, go ahead and go online dating, I was like,
but no, it's terrible.
I had to approach it with a different heart and a different perspective.
And I can say that it was a much more pleasant experience after getting heartwork and having
a community like this to be able to share the experiences that I had, okay, didn't mean
that I didn't have some, you know, not so fun guys that I was talking to, but I had
a community that was here to support me and help me discover more about myself.
And what I liked and what I didn't like, what I was willing to accept and when I wasn't
and was able to take every single one of those experience, good, bad, ugly, and make it an
opportunity for growth.
And so that's why we call, you'll hear us oftentimes myself and Ebony share with you
ladies that this is a discovery dating.
Okay.
This is to discover more about you and about other people, what you like and what you don't.
Okay.
To uncover areas of your heart that will, you'll get, go some through some revealings
for healings.
Okay.
Heartwork doesn't stop just because we're out of phase one, the heartwork continues,
believe it or not.
Heartwork will continue into your marriages as well.
I can say that from my own experience, I'm kind of going through it right now myself,
realizing that I have some triggers from my past.
that are starting to surface and I am feeling what I felt years ago and it's
coming up in marriage because it's a safe place for me to heal now and so God
is allowing those opportunities to come so that I can just grow deeper in my
relationship with the Lord, grow closer with my husband and my kids and just to
continue my my healing journey. So artwork doesn't stop, all right? So just
keep that in mind. I think I've touched on most of it just yeah still hard work
here. Remember everyone in this phase we all like we're all here to support one
another and your journey isn't going to be the same as somebody else's, okay? And
so don't compare yourself just because someone's ready to go like hey I'm into
dating and I'm gonna take I'm gonna get after that seven-day challenge. If that's
not where you're at and you need to ease in and maybe just dip a toe into the
swimming pool first and kind of inch your way in that's fine too. Also just a
reminder, there's really no hard rules here in last year's single but we do
give you guardrails for you to be able to put into practice, okay? I want you
ladies to start trusting yourself, be able to come to our community, let us
coaches know what you're experiencing, what's surfacing, what's coming up
because we're here to help you walk through that and process any and all
things that you experience. I do want to encourage you ladies not to rush through
this phase. I just have to disclose this because I know this happens frequently.
Many women get here into you know they y'all are told not to date in phase one
then we give you the green light here in phase two and then ladies want to
rush out of phase two because they want to get to phase three because they think
that's where all the men are at. Okay, yes we have a co-ed community all right but
ladies I will I can't emphasize this enough if you do not take time to go
through and process this phase you're just gonna crash and burn in phase three
okay and it's not that you're not going to be able to get lifted up okay don't
don't hear what I'm not saying okay it's not like you're not don't be
devastated okay I'm just saying you really want to make sure that you absorb
through each phase what what's necessary okay the men aren't going anywhere your
spirit mate isn't going anywhere okay God's timing is perfect believe it or
not I was in this program for almost two years and I had the highs and the lows
you know I thought it wasn't gonna happen for me but it was God's timing
and can I tell you if I met my husband any sooner I wouldn't I wouldn't have
been ready for him I I would have I would have like cut and run in fact I
almost cut and run before I even met him in person okay I would not have been
ready had I met him a few months prior okay so trust the process trust that
God's got you all right there's no rush okay and here's the thing we want to
think we know how God's gonna bring her husband but the truth is ladies we never
really know I my love story is was not the way I would have written it but it
is the best way it was written like God literally wrote it the best way okay and
and my way would not have been as good his way was way better okay so I know
some of you're thinking oh well if I can just get to the men in phase three that's
where I'm gonna meet my spirit mate well he might be there he might not all
right so let's sit through this phase take it in you got at least minimum four
to five weeks so you might as well get everything you can get out of it okay
and after five weeks if you feel like you're ready by all means you're ready
you're free to go but I do have a lot of ladies that stick around for longer than
five weeks and so that's fine too Stephanie and you know what Stephanie
but you've you've shown up and have had so much growth and you are taking your
time and allowing the process to work and in no time you're gonna be ready for
phase three like Stephanie just went on her very first day
in a really long time y'all like she didn't rush through the process and she is learning and
growing and having lots of success okay so just keep that in mind i feel like there was one more
thing i was going to share with you ladies oh yes um i want you ladies to make sure that you're
checking out the resource tab in the app there's all sorts of good information in that resource
tab so make sure that you actually go through that um it will give you instructions on how to move
over when you're done in in love story accelerator so there's that there's the attachment style quiz
which is really good there's the um last year single affiliate link so you can share
our community with people that you know i actually encourage a lot of women and we've actually had
this recently um where there's some guys that ladies have gone on dates with that have been
great fantastic men but they just weren't their spirit mate good good solid guys but there just
wasn't a connection but they're like but maybe maybe they're there for somebody else in the
community if that's the case then you can definitely encourage those men to come to our
community jackie has a men's page on her link um but if you have that affiliate link and they decide
to join then you get um compensated okay and that goes with any of your girlfriends too
okay so kathy your link wasn't working um we'll look into that some more here in a little bit um
we can kind of maybe try to troubleshoot some if need be but yeah make sure you check out that
resource tab lots of good stuff okay all right i see i've got four hands up i'm going to quickly
pray five hands awesome i'm going to pray for us real quick and then i will go ahead and take
your questions i'm not going to do a whole lot of teaching because i feel like we get so much
teaching from y'all's experience so it always ends up working out that i get to touch on things that
just holy spirit kind of already puts in my heart already so we're gonna let you ladies kind of
you know ask your questions and holy spirit is going to be be part of part of our journey here
okay all right so heavenly father i thank you for this time together lord um you know and i just
so thank you for the opportunity to pour into these ladies and be part of each and everyone's
love story that you have perfectly written for them lord i just pray that the women feel
encouraged feel loved and feel just seen by you and that you are fully invested in their love
story lord that you are so intentional the story love story that you have written for them is so
intentional and so intricately woven and you have all the details figured out before we even know
the details and i just thank you for the love and the care and the consideration that you put into
our spirit mates lord you you place those desires in our hearts you know when i i pray that you know
on this process and in this journey lord that whatever healing that needs to take place in the
hearts of the women in this community that you are gentle and kind and that those things get worked
out so that their marriages can be fully accelerated for your kingdom that the healing
takes place before they meet their spirit mate so it is just an easier road for them when they
find their spirit mate so lord i just ask you to continue to bless them nurture them
show them they're loved and cared for and continue to work on the hearts of the men
and help their healing so that they are fully ready to see their wives
and i pray this in jesus name amen all right okay got lots more hands up how many people
do we have on today i got lots of you here always good all right 18 of us awesome and i've got eight
hands up so ladies just remember please keep things short brief and powerful okay i can't
take the five minute backstory so just come out with your question the first sentence or two
needs to be a question all right so i want you to sit especially if you got your hand
Hands up, okay?
Just think, what is the actual question that you have for me?
If I need some background details,
we will definitely unpack those, okay?
Tina, I see your hand first, so I'm gonna grab you first.
What's your question for us today?
Good morning.
I just want your feedback.
I went on a second coffee date with a guy
and very, I like him, we're clicking.
So really only talked to him for two hours so far.
Okay.
And so I think I've discovered something about myself
and I've been doing some like nervous system somatics
type of work to help me process emotion.
Okay.
Anyway, so he messaged me,
he has messaged me after we've either gone for coffee
and we've had a couple of phone calls
and he's given me some compliments
and I'm liking the person.
And so I am finding that I have a fire in my belly
and I'm discovering that, you know,
I don't really know this person.
So that is, I believe, a desire inside of me
and it's showing me what I want.
My love language is words of affirmation.
So.
Okay.
So I've been married twice before.
I slept with both of them after dating for about six weeks,
similar fire in my belly.
I am not going to let that happen this time.
And so I think what I'm recognizing
is that like I'm not projecting that onto this individual.
It's just, you know, I've received.
You're getting excited about it, like you like it.
Yeah, and I'm receiving, you know,
these words of affirmation, which speaks to me.
Okay.
So I believe in the past I was projecting
what I was feeling, thinking it was this particular guy,
you know, but I believe it's showing me that I'm,
you know, it's from inside of me.
Okay.
So my deep desires are coming.
Okay.
So tell me what about him do you like?
Yeah.
Let's start unpacking.
Okay.
What qualities and characteristics
do you find attractive about him?
And let's see, are these healthy,
healthy things to be attracted to?
Yeah.
He's, he's a godly man.
He's very respectful.
He's asked me quite a few questions
about what I believe in, like my,
kind of-
You're cutting out a little bit.
Questions.
Oh, sorry.
So I heard the ask question.
I'm guessing he's asking questions about your faith.
Yes.
Okay.
And we are finding that we have very similar views.
Okay.
Theological views.
And yeah.
Okay.
So how have you seen the fruit?
So these are good things.
Okay.
You're seeing that he's respectful.
What are some examples of how he's shown you respect
or others respect?
Well, he's told stories about, you know,
how he helped his neighbor,
who's estranged from his son.
This guy's a senior, his neighbor,
and he took him to get hearing aids.
Okay, cool.
That's, I love that.
So you're seeing fruit in him.
So that's all good things.
We want to continue,
as you're getting to know him and dating him,
you want to see those fruits.
So you're going to get on more dates.
Okay.
See him in action, get in community,
be around people,
see how he interacts with people.
So those are all good things.
You mentioned the physical boundaries.
Okay.
That, you know,
that is one area where I will definitely coach you
because I can relate to that as well.
It's going to be important for you
to make sure that you don't put yourself in situations
where you're going to be alone with him.
Right?
And then making, you know,
making yourself accountable,
come and letting us know.
I think that ladies,
if you need help with accountability,
that's what this community is for.
Like I recall, I did that one.
time I went on a date with a guy and we went to a concert and he was a he was a really attractive guy
he had some foul language which I didn't love um there was definitely some yellowish red flags
but he would when we were at this concert he would put his hand on the small of my back
and he would grab my hand and ladies I would get I got excited and I knew I was like oh
it felt really good to feel like this guy saw me like he was being physically affectionate to me
now we didn't kiss but just the touching was enough to excite me and I got home from that
date and I came and shared it in my community to hold myself accountable so that's important to
hold yourself accountable in those situations okay I think this is all really good you're
you're you're getting to know them you've had a couple dates a couple you know it sounds like
you've had like what two one-hour dates yeah yeah that's good um definitely are you doing active
dates they've been coffee okay sitting down for coffee yeah yeah definitely get out do some more
active things you know maybe where you're interacting with people um that sort of thing
um I love that this is starting to open you up to like what is it that you desire and it's
you're again when you're noticing those things that's super important to be processing those
things with the lord 100 because this is discovery dating you're learning about you you you're
discovering like what you like you like someone that's going to give you words of affirmation and
you've got someone that's giving you words of affirmation you're also learning okay I'm going
to put up some healthy boundaries because I've learned in my past relationships I kind of let
things go too quickly so I'm going to pace myself a little differently this time okay
did I cover what you were hoping to kind of unpack or is there more yes thank you for that
feedback I just wanted to put it out there and bounce it off of you so thanks I love it I love
it it sounds really good I love that you're showing up letting us know ladies it's a great way
just to always be coming here and processing with us okay whether it's on the live call or you're
or you're posting in the app okay super important it's one of the reasons why I think I was as
successful as I was in this community because I was not afraid to share with the ladies what my
dating situations were like so just know that we are a safe space for that all right Kathy how are
you I'm great I'm so sorry I missed last week I was really looking forward to talking to you last
week but it's been another week which is good because I can reflect on my situation yes yes
that's right I've refreshed my memory just a little bit because I know we were going to unpack
that and you couldn't come on so as quick as I can and first can I just say Juanita who used to
be in the group and everybody should remember her she's having gallbladder surgery on the 30th
Wednesday the 30th so if we could just pray for her absolutely be super great because she already
moved up to three and she can't get back to two so but I'm sure I would bring that up because I
know a lot of you ladies know her yeah and definitely ladies get on those prayer calls too
we have a prayer call every single day of the week and you know definitely because that's where
you're going to be able to connect with other ladies that were in this phase with you that
might have moved on or ladies that you would have been in phase one with that didn't make it to
phase two yet and they're just taking a little little longer in phase one you can still connect
with them on those prayer calls okay um but thank you for sharing that we'll definitely keep her and
our our prayers for the 30th thank you for sure we love her so my situation was I had found a
gentleman that lived about three months three hours away and we were we connected I think two
weeks after um we had met but I had gone on vacation and I got in vacation mode I didn't
really want to chat a lot with him and he was trying to chat a lot and I kind of pushed him
back a little bit and then so I got back and then I was just go go and he was go go we never got a
chance to have a video date which is so important so I've learned so many things about long-distance
dating in the short time that I wanted to share him because there's not a really video about that
that I could find and I you were very helpful with that too we talked about it but when he got here so
He came the 4th, 5th, and 6th of July.
So we had agreed that he would come in the afternoon.
We'd have lunch and probably dinner.
And then Saturday, I arranged a blueberry picking thing
or a blackberry picking thing.
And we met some friends.
Anyhow, had dinner.
It was just a lot.
And Sunday, we did church together.
So that's way too much for a first.
Yeah, the church, I would have definitely advised away
from it, but it's fine, okay.
Less is more, right?
He went to a church similar to mine where he lived.
So I knew it was gonna be very similar.
And he had heard my speaker before he'd been to his church
or my pastor.
So anyhow, so I learned that.
And here's the funny thing.
By the time he got here,
and we'd had a lot of phone conversations and texting,
he was in phase four and I was in phase two.
Hey, let's get together.
So explain to me, what was he doing that like,
was he like trying to get physical with you?
Yeah, I mean, so he got here, brought me a dozen roses.
Yay, check.
That's great.
Very sweet.
Nice, okay, good.
Went to lunch, he took my hand.
Like you had your, I didn't have.
So when he got here, he goes,
oh my gosh, you're so much more beautiful
than your pictures.
And I was like, oh my gosh,
you're not near as cute as your pictures.
It was completely opposite.
I was like, you know,
and I'm not gonna be the shallow Kathy.
I'm gonna, this could be a slow burn,
because I know people that aren't super physical attractive
but I mean, his picture,
I had him take a newer one than he had with his sister,
but it still did not do him.
It still wasn't, didn't, it wasn't the same.
Yeah, like some people are not photogenic
and you'll be surprised.
Like you see them and you're like,
oh, they don't look that great.
And then you see them in person, you're like, oh, wow.
And then there's the other ones where they are photogenic
and then you see them in person and you're like,
oh, you look different.
So yes, video calls, that is important.
Like video calls, for sure.
And I talked to another friend who had a video call
until they even physically got there in person,
they still didn't get it.
And once the person was there, so it's gonna help,
but it's not gonna be a fail safe totally I found.
So I'm like, okay, good, good to know.
But we went to lunch, he took my hand.
I'm like, okay, well, I kind of like that a little bit,
you know, that's all right and stuff.
And he, anyhow, he came back,
we were talking, talking, learning about each other.
Anyhow, he was like, oh, I just wanna kiss you.
And I'm like, oh, you know,
I'm just not even close to where you are, Bob.
You know, I can't.
Oh, slow down.
I'm like, pushing him back, pushing him back,
pushing him back.
Anyhow, so by the next day, anyhow,
to make a long story short,
he just way overstepped his bounds.
The guardrails, he just banging into him
like a bull on a china closet.
And I was trying to rein him in
and I was having a horrible time doing that.
And I even told him, gosh, Bob,
we're not even close to the same place.
He got in front of me, on his knees,
cause I have a neck issue, anyhow,
I couldn't keep looking to my left.
He goes, Kathy, you really like me, don't you?
Well, that's a trigger for Kathy
because that was like, Bob, no, I was just like,
I do like you, but I didn't know how to really go.
Yeah, no, I'm not into you like this,
but I was able to, and then we went to church
and he went to hold my hand, he's stroking my arm.
Oh, does that feel good?
And I'm like, no, he led with money,
how much money he has, this and that.
And then when it came to breakfast after church,
he made some comment like, gosh,
I hope this isn't expensive as last night.
I was like, oh, I didn't even like go to the top
of dinner places in Wichita.
So anyhow, it was, there was a lot.
So you got some growth here, you got a lot, right?
It was a learning opportunity.
For sure.
Yeah, with these types of situations,
so it was a long distance, he traveled what,
a couple hours?
Three.
Three hours to come see you.
So yeah, we definitely,
especially in those long distance ones,
you definitely wanna try to have a video chat.
And it's really important, ladies,
to make sure that we're setting boundaries,
even on those first meetups.
Even if they're coming a couple hours,
we wanna just be realistic.
Hey, I know you're traveling a good amount of time.
I just wanna set the expectation that,
I can make time for you on this day and at this time, okay?
It's okay to be like, I'm free for this day,
not the whole weekend, okay?
It reminds me of when I met my husband, okay?
He was in Dallas, I was in Sarasota, Florida.
And we set up a date for dinner.
And the night before dinner, we had a phone call.
And he came out and asked me, it was like,
so am I gonna get to see you more?
And one time this weekend, ladies, you want to know my
response to him? I said, I don't I don't know. Let's see how our
first meeting goes. Well, that's good. I didn't I didn't I didn't
promise him more than one day. Now, obviously, we hit it off.
We had a really great day. And so when he asked to see me the
next day, I said, Yeah, I'm free out. I can make that happen.
All right, ladies, it's okay to go into it and be like, I'm
available on one day. Okay, especially in those first
meetups, because like Kathy experienced, she had some some
phone conversations saying things seem to be going well,
then he shows up, he doesn't really look like who he said he
was, he's coming out the gate, ready to hold her hand, ready
to kiss her ready to make it more like a romantic thing.
And she wasn't. I even had to tell him I wasn't going to have
sex before marriage. I mean, I shouldn't have had to do that
at all.
Oh, and that's insane. Ladies, that is that is when it's a red
flag. If you're having if he's coming forward, and you have to
put up a boundary, and they keep pushing your boundary, that's a
red flag. All right, there should be no sex talk until
you've spent time getting to know somebody in a level two,
and you're in talks about moving to level three.
Agree.
All right. Now doesn't mean that will always happen. Okay. I went
into dating that I was not going to express that until I spent
time getting to know them. And I thought maybe I was going to
move to a level three with them that I could see myself. If they
asked me to date exclusively, then I would put that out on the
table. Okay. Now, my husband, right out the gate was look, I
am about waiting for marriage. I was like, praise Jesus. So I
don't have to have the conversation. Okay. And that was
and that was and then the topic was off. Like we didn't have to
talk about it. We just continue to get to know each other. When
we got exclusive, we had to make sure that we put up physical
boundaries. So that didn't happen. All right. It's really
important, especially because here's the thing, ladies, these
guys don't have coaches. Okay. And even if they're in Jackie's
program, sometimes they don't hear well. Okay. All right. 100%
ladies, but some of you don't listen to us very well. So,
okay, it's, it's, and that's fine. Like, there's not like
there's no, there's no shame, no condemnation in it. Okay. But
it's, it's good for you to be solid and who you are. And being
able to put that boundary up. And ladies, if someone does not
respect your boundaries, boy by in the date, it's done. All
right. I get like, Kathy, I can only imagine you're trying to be
nice because this man drove three hours to see you probably
spent some money on an Airbnb or a hotel.
He stayed with friends, but I paid for breakfast. I didn't
want any of that hanging over my head after that stupid comment.
And it's so helpful to have had this coaching. Because I thought
I'm doing that. And so thank you for that. Because that was out
of one of the other coaching situations to be willing to be
to help pay, which I did on a couple of things.
Yeah, good, good, good, good. Yeah. And then the last thing
I'll touch on is again, the church thing. I ladies, this is
one thing that some of you ladies will listen to me on and
some of you won't. We really don't want to have like going to
a church service early on in those level two relationships. It
is a spiritual intimacy. Again, like you do not want to like,
you don't want someone in your spiritual intimate intimate
place that you don't want to be there. You also don't want
because and that can be kind of manipulating to on both ends.
Absolutely. That's one reason. And I know everyone's like,
well, I just want to know that they're on the same page as
thought like, you know, that I am and all ladies, all that
stuff will come together in God's time. Okay, we're not
saying that that will never happen that you're never going
to have those faith conversations never get to go to
a church service with them. We just want you to pace it
accordingly. All right, wait at least a month after at least
three dates or so before you are inviting them in your spiritual
space. Okay, Jack will even recommend you're not praying
with each other until you're an exclusive relationship.
I did tell him that. He tried to get me on a nap. I said, Oh, no, I can pray for you,
but we're not going to pray together until we've gotten some time to know each other.
Like and you can say, you know what? I, my intimacy with the Lord is really, is really
important to me and really sacred. And it's, it's important that I guard that. And a masculine
mature man is going to respect that. Even if he doesn't see eye to eye, he's still going
to, he's going to respect you. Okay. Believe it or not, men can disagree with you and still
be respectful. My husband and I disagree all the time. It's still very respectful to me.
All right. But I want you ladies to, you know, being communicating clearly is being kind.
Okay. You can be very direct and kind. All right. I know sometimes that's very difficult
for women. We feel like we have to be nice that we have to appease. We have to make someone
feel good. We have to do what somebody wants them to do what they want us to do, because
that's being kind. I don't want to be me. No, if someone's not being respectful of your
boundaries, it's okay to say, look, I'm sorry. I'm not comfortable. And if you don't stop,
I'm going to have to end this date. You can say that.
I have always, that was a trigger because I have never been strong like that. And my
whole life, women are like, you're the strongest woman I know. And then it comes to men and you
fall apart. And I think it was just what was modeled from my parents to me. So, I had that
issue, but on the other good note, I took like a week off because I was white. I was like,
I can't even think about dating right now. He just really.
This is being revealed for you to maybe, you know, spend some time with the Lord a little
more and being like, okay, what is that? Why was that a trigger for me? What am I believing?
What am I believing that I, you know, am I not allowed to use my voice? Am I allowed to use my
voice? What does kindness look like? Remember ladies, when these types of things come up and
triggers come up, those are really good opportunities for you to sit and process with
the Lord and ask the Lord really good questions. Ask the Lord for specifics.
Ask a lot of questions. Ask God a lot of questions. He'll answer you. Okay.
I had a date on Saturday though. A lunch date. She's getting back out there. She took some time.
Just take a minute. And this guy, man, I've been talking to him from the start, but he's really
hit and miss. So I was like, but after Thursdays, listen to Thursdays, I just kind of reached back
out to him. I thought, okay, we'll just start talking again or see if he'll talk. And so
finally yesterday pulled the trigger and asked me for lunch. I'm like, yay. Yes. So good. Yes.
I love it. It's possible to get back out there again and be positive.
Awesome. Perfect. Perfect. You're welcome, Kathy. Thanks for filling us in.
All right. I see Elizabeth's got her hand up.
Yes. Thank you so much. Hi, good. How are you?
Very good. Good. Okay. So kind of a funny question probably, but so the previous guy was,
yeah, I'm not trying to tell the backstory. My question is, he had a beard. There was a
lot of history with him. I'm noticing that the beard game is strong out there right now.
And absolutely. So I'm like, what? Like, cause I have been off them for the last couple of years
dating this guy and or dating that guy. And I don't know if it's just my, like, I'm noticing
it or it really is strong. Cause I'm like, I swear so many guys have a beard. So I did some
hard work around it. Like you forgiveness of like, cause like of a beard, you know? And I'm like,
does it turn you off or does it like, you're like, Oh, I'm really attracted to that.
I was attracted to his beard. I never was, but I was when I was with him,
but just with everything that we, like I went through with him, I don't want anything to do
with fears. Yeah. So yeah. That's going to be a trigger. That's going to be okay. What am I
believing about it? And, and, and, and again, it's being able to separate facial hair does not,
right. Does not model someone's behavior. Yes, exactly. So, so are you open? Are you,
do you feel like you're open to, if you see guys on there, you're not going to be like, Nope,
not swiping on him. Cause he has a beard. It depends. Like I'm pretty much not swiping on
a beard right now. Okay. Okay. Well I'm gonna, I'm going to encourage you. Don't let that
scare you. Okay. Yeah.
If you have a preference that you just prefer men without facial hair, that's totally fine.
It's funny.
I I'm laughing because I actually noticed when I got out of heartwork and I was dating,
I actually really liked guys with facial hair.
And so, um, and, and before I never did, so, and my husband didn't have facial hair, but
now he does.
Oh, that's so cool.
So I like it.
I definitely think I see more men out there with facial hair.
I don't know.
Maybe it's an age thing too.
I mean, I'm in my forties, so I think as, as I look at men, my age, it does look like
more men that are in their forties above typically have the facial hair, but, um, I think it's
good.
Just continue to process through that.
Don't, don't let yourself not swipe on someone just because their beard, if you really find
them intriguing, really ask the Lord to open your heart or maybe, um, blind your eyes to
the facial hair.
Okay.
That's something I actually even did.
Um, when I started dating after I'd done her work, it took me a little while to get out
on the absent date, but I was, for me, it was physical looks were really important.
And so I had asked the Lord just to kind of blind me from all that, really search the
heart of a person and, and God did that for me.
Wow.
Like I dated some really great guys and, and I remember just being like, I don't, I don't
find them not attractive, but I don't find them attractive either.
Like that just wasn't something that I was looking for.
I was really looking for qualities and characteristics about the heart of a guy and then learning
to find those things attractive.
And then when you find the heart of a man, attractive ladies, the physical will be there.
I assure you.
Awesome.
And I have another quick question too, um, is just like, um, shirtless selfies or shirt,
like gym pics with like muscles.
How do we feel about that?
I don't like them, but here's the thing, ladies, we're going to have to give guys some of grace.
These guys don't have coaches.
I mean, obviously if they were in Jackie's community, she'd be like, absolutely not.
What are you doing?
Right.
I didn't like them.
Here's the thing.
Like that's it.
I, again, ladies, you get to decide what you swipe on and what you don't.
You get to, you get to decide your preferences.
All right.
For me, there were certain things that I was like, okay, I'm going to have to help not
overwhelm myself.
I'm going to not swipe on this and I'm going to swipe on this.
Like for me it was, they need to put something about being a Christian.
So like said religion, I need to see that they said Christian.
Yeah.
All right.
And if I saw a bunch of like, you know, shirtless selfies and gym selfies, you know, depending
on what other pictures look like, most of the time I'd be like, no, no thanks.
But if I kind of let it's like, well, there's not really many to swipe on here, but one
looked interesting.
I'm like, okay, I can forgive the shirtless selfie this time around.
But I went into it like, okay, this is kind of a yellow flag.
Is he going to try to put it out there?
Right.
Am I, am I taking a video call with him and he's answering a video call with no shirt
on.
Cause if that's the case, boy, bye.
Like put a shirt on, right.
Just first time you're meeting me, we went to coffee or went bowling.
Would you show up without a shirt?
No.
You'd have a shirt on.
Right.
All right.
Yeah.
So, okay.
So yeah.
And yes.
Public bathroom pics.
Yeah.
Like I get like, again, like, I'm not going to say you don't, that you, you don't, you
have to swipe on them or you don't have to, you get to decide.
All right.
Yeah.
If you're realizing like, okay, I'm not getting any dates.
Okay.
I'll give this one guy a shot, but yeah, I just don't want it to be like a trigger.
If there's a trigger there, I want to work through that.
If it is a trigger, then those are things that we take to the Lord.
Like what is it?
What are you believing?
Always preface.
Okay.
What, what is the thought or belief that I am thinking?
Is there an anxious thought that's coming up?
What is it?
And if you start listing it, you will see a pattern.
Like sometimes it's, it's a, you know, you might think I don't trust men.
That's the core root.
That's the core belief is that you're just don't, you're not trustworthy of men.
So then that's when God is going to start revealing, well, where did that lie enter?
Okay.
Yeah.
So whatever it is, or, you know, I don't believe that I'm pretty enough.
No guy is going to like.
Well, that's a worth that's an identity thing. So then that's hard work that you'll you're gonna do, right?
So triggers can mean all sorts of different things. It's finding the pattern and finding the core
Root belief lie that we're aligning with
Okay
Thank you so much. You are welcome
Sarah I see your hand up. Hello
Hey, hi, so I gave a really long backstory on a video
Did you see I don't think I've seen that I saw other video
I know I've just watched Laurie's video, which I think Laurie I see you here. Good to see you
But I have not caught up on yours, but I will make a note of that. No
Just give me just give me the what's the question and then we'll kind of if I have to get some more details
We can go into that
how to navigate
There being some uncertainty, okay
It's funny how much pressure we can put on something when you've only met not even in the person for a week, okay
So yeah, just that you're feeling like there's a bit of uncertainty
You're feeling like are you you feel like you have pressure and expectations of him or of yourself?
I don't even have that. I met him thought he was attractive. We share a lot of values, okay
Really cool character cool into health fitness his brother and him opened a business
called revive and thrive and I'm just like
we just align a lot like as he as far as values and all of that going on a very interesting person, so I
Didn't feel that way. I asked him out we went on a date
It has kind of caught us both off-guard
Okay, cuz he's two years post-divorce
Yeah thought about dating, but he said I didn't want to say no to opportunities that it came up
But I'm the first date he's gone on in 12 years
Okay, really? He he's thrown for a loop. And so I'm trying to figure out how can I honor?
My own self and where I'm at but also like this is an interesting person
I would like to continue getting to know him, but I want to also honor where he is
Okay, how many do you think you've been on?
three three dates
What all did you do on each of those dates the first two were dinner?
Okay, and live music and then dinner live music for the first two
The the first one was just dinner. Okay, the second one was like live music and dinner
Okay, and then the third date was doing a sauna cold plunge at their business
I love this. I want to do a contrast therapy. I was like, yes, I'll do
That would be so awesome love it
I'm telling you that like my husband got me on those cold plunges
we did one last month and I'm like, I
Never thought I would do it and I'm like it is so invigorating and I feel so refreshed and relaxed afterwards
It was nice fun and I wouldn't have what he coached me through it
Wish that was very attractive because I've always been the coach
Those are good dates though, I like them, um, but he's been uncertain that's where I'm getting and that's and that's fine
This is this is why this is this is one of the examples ladies why we encourage you ladies
To not just date one person at a time. Yeah, can you just still get to know other people?
Okay, we're not getting romantic with them, right
Okay, there's no romance here. There's no there's no kissing. There's no I mean there could be a friendly hug
Okay, like oh, hey, it's good to see you. We're not going in for the long hugs. We're not kissing. We're not holding hands
We're not getting that intimate romantic connection yet. We're letting that kind of just develop over time
Okay, continue to keep communicating clearly
All right beyond if did you find him on an app
No, okay. Are you on apps? I am on apps. Okay still continue to be on apps
Yeah, no, but feelers out get to know other people
And just let him know like hey, I
Understand that this is a process for you and this is taking you off guard
I just want you to know like look we don't have to rush into anything
we can just continue to get to know each other and see what develops and then you know after you know after a while if
See how he paces along and you can always revisit and be like, hey, how are you feeling? Things good like
You know, like just play it by ear and how how the dates go. All right
Yeah tune to what's happening
Reciprocate energy, okay?
If you notice that he's fallen back, it's okay to fall back a little bit too, and just
kind of stay engaged in that way, all right?
Yeah.
But this is that level too, where it's like, I'm just getting to know you, but we're not
romantic yet.
And this is when, again, if you have people that they're going to need to slowly get themselves
back into dating.
That's where you just, again- Yeah.
It's uncomfortable for me because I've never been in a healthy relationship, and I've always
been one as well, that could rush that physical side.
And so it's an awkward tension for me.
And I said that to him, I didn't say that exactly, to him.
But when he shared with me, I don't really know this is like all, and I said, well, this
is also kind of challenging me in ways that I need as well.
That's good.
So, but it's so uncomfortable.
And you've heard me say it, you got to get comfortable being uncomfortable, right?
It is so uncomfortable not doing my typical patterns.
So this is when you can go into the Lord and you could be processing this.
Like what's the discomfort?
What's the belief, the discomfort, like thought that's coming?
Yeah.
And go through and like process through that.
You know, what is God trying to reveal to you in this opportunity of dating someone
that's going to take things a little slower, that you can actually have healthy relationship,
whether this guy's your spirit mate or not, out there that are willing to pace things
much slower, that you don't have to have the expect that there's no expectation on you
to rush things.
Maybe men are going to allow you to pace things accordingly.
Yeah.
And that, that could be what's being revealed for you as well.
Yeah.
Just continue to keep, you know, checking in with us, you know, process your feelings
of what's happening with us here.
Okay.
We don't want you going into like the spiral mode and all that kind of stuff.
Cause I know that can happen.
At least it would happen with me.
Yeah.
I was the same way.
I, I mean, I jumped into relationships very, very quickly.
I mean, I've got things physical very quick before hard work.
And that was, that was a new thing for me, me, me literally putting the boundary up that
I wasn't even going to kiss somebody until I was in an exclusive relationship.
My husband asked me to kiss me on the first date and I told him, no, didn't mean I didn't
want to.
I know.
I want to kiss.
I like kissing.
It's so hurtful to come into this faith-based community that's everybody's like, I'm waiting
for marriage.
And I'm like, I'm having a hard time not making out with this person the first time I meet
them and I like them.
And I feel slightly ashamed about it.
Like a little bit.
Cause I'm just like.
Well then let's, we can unpack that.
Like where does that shame come from?
It's kind of, well, I don't even want to sit, maybe ashamed isn't the word, but like, what
do you do when it doesn't feel wrong to you?
It's just, I mean, again, it's, it's more or less, it's what, what were your beliefs
about the physical connection in the first place, right?
Here's the thing.
There isn't anything wrong with physical connection.
You are supposed to want to be physical with your husbands.
Like he asked to hold my hand yesterday and I did let him, okay.
So, okay.
And so those are things and if you're going to allow him to hold your hand, you can just
say, okay, I'm fine holding your hand, but this is maybe where you communicate.
It's going to be important for me to not do anything past holding hands until I'm in an
exclusive relationship with somebody.
Would that be okay with you?
We can hold hands, but until I'm in an exclusive relationship, I'm probably not going to be
open to kissing or hugging or anything like that.
Okay.
Or if you want to say, Hey, I know I said I would hold your hand.
It feels very intimate for me to hold your hand when we're not an exclusive relationship
or we're just getting to know each other.
Would it be okay if we, um, refrain from holding hands until we've gotten to know each other
better?
Can you like, what is it about that?
Like, I don't know, like what, what's the benefits of the benefits of waiting?
Yeah.
Um, like waiting for like physical connection, just like handholding and stuff.
Yeah.
Or even a kiss.
Um, because there's, there's.
the chemicals that will literally release and will emotionally attach you to the person.
Yeah, I can see that. And that, I mean, and here's the thing, ladies,
women are emotional creatures. Yes. Women have a probably a more difficult time with this than men
because of just how we're wired. Yeah. All right. I knew for me, if I kissed someone,
my walls were going down, that physical touch was like, it's on, like it's on. So I knew if I
was going to kiss someone, make out with someone, that my ability to see red flags would be blinded.
And I knew that about myself. God showed me that. And then I just never listened to him.
I'm being stubborn as hell. And ladies, and I'm saying it from experience, y'all, like,
if y'all know my story, I had a child and I was never married. Okay. Like, I did not do that well
until I found this program and God really spoke to my heart. Now, God spoke to my heart prior to
this program about waiting for marriage. And so it, but it didn't mean that it was easy. I really
had to, you know, do some hard work around it. What were my beliefs about it? A lot of it was
tied to my identity and my worth, how I saw myself. It was some things that happened to me in my past,
all those things. And then the guilt and shame would come and I had to realize, okay, what is
that? Well, then I thought, well, it's bad. Well, it's not bad. God designed physical intimacy
within marriage. Like he's the one that created it for us, but in covenant.
All right. It was for our protection. It was for each other, not just randomly with other people.
And so that was something that, again, those are things that you can walk yourself through
and process with the Lord. And we can, you know, again, it's, I've got a few more people that I
got to take, but if we want to do it next call, or if you want to do it in the app, we can definitely,
but spend some time processing through that. But I want you to know, like, there's no shame
in wanting to be physically close with somebody. It's perfectly normal. God created us to literally
want to have those things, but he wants us to have those with our spirit mate. Okay. Okay.
But a reason we, we coach that is again, you, it will, it will cloud the intimacy. It would
actually draw like ladies, if you have sex before marriage, it will actually keep you from getting
close. There's there's all sorts of stuff. And I can even I think I posted it in the app a long
time ago. I could probably do it again, or I can come prepared next week for it. But Jackie
has a whole teaching. She had a social media posts like a year or two ago about why sex before
marriage actually keeps you from being more intimate with your spirit mate. It causes like
mistrust and all sorts of stuff. Like there's a deeper intimacy that happens before the physical
intimacy. And so it's important to be able to, to hold on to that. Yeah, I'll pull that document
up and have it for y'all next week. And I can, I can read through that off the top of my head.
I don't, I know there's like three reasons why. But again, it's, there's the, for me and I know
most women, it's, it's an emotional connection. Your body literally releases chemicals when you
are physical with somebody. Yeah. I mean, think about, think about newborn babies, y'all. I mean,
if any of you are moms, when you had your child, it was skin to skin, right? That oxytocin. It's,
it releases something. It's a bond. That's what, that's why they tell you. And they even tell dads
to skin to skin with their babies too, because it bonds you to your baby. So if you are having
skin to skin with another human being, guess what? Those endorphins are being released and
you are bonding with that person. Okay. It's also why, you know, doing soul ties is important
too, if you've been physical with people.
Not even just physical intimate, if you've had spiritual intimacy or emotional intimacy with somebody,
there can be a soul tie.
And that stuff you can find in Phase 1.
You should have access to that stuff, those videos on soul ties and stuff like that,
if you need to revisit any of that.
You can have soul ties with parents.
Even people who've passed on, you can have a soul tie with them.
That's powerful.
Soul ties with therapists.
I know some people are literally so bonded with their therapist
because they share intimate details with their therapist.
And so sometimes some people, it's like they hold what their therapist says over what God says sometimes.
And so some people, I've walked through where they've had to break a soul tie with a therapist.
It's connection.
And so that's why, again, this is not to scare you ladies from getting to know people.
Level 2, the getting to know you, you are supposed to get to know them.
And what characteristics do you like about them?
What makes them them?
What do you enjoy about them?
Years ago, I was given an activation of sorts to every person that I met,
find something attractive about every single person I met, young, old, male, female, whatever.
And what that taught me was looking at someone's heart.
What did I find attractive about someone's heart?
Were they chivalrous?
Were they kind?
Were they considerate of other people?
Like those were things that I would find attractive in people.
And so that's that getting to know you.
What about that person makes them one of God's children?
And get to know them and spend time.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
All right.
I know I spent a lot of time on that one.
I apologize.
But I hope that you ladies got some good fruit from that.
I'm checking so many, some of the chat here.
How many dates do we stay in level 2?
You're going to let the guy lead that, Lori.
Is she still on here?
I don't know if she is or not.
I don't know if she's still here.
So yeah, ladies, that level 2, it can be a month, two months.
It could be four months.
I don't know if it's the dating 101 video.
I think it is.
But you definitely want the man to lead that conversation.
And I would say at least have two to three,
if not four dates before deciding to be exclusive with somebody.
Like spend at least a month.
Before you jump into that.
And again, come and let us know these types of things.
Because if you're an anxious attacher,
you're someone that attaches very quickly to somebody,
then we're going to be like, okay, these are flags.
These are your yellow flags.
And so we're just going to be your blind spot.
We're going to make sure that you're spending time with it.
If you're an avoidant attacher, we ain't worried about you ladies.
Attaching and jumping into a level 3 quickly.
If you're someone that likes to avoid a relationship,
my guess is you're not jumping into level 3 relationship right out the gate.
It's my anxious attachers that will do that.
So again, if you need to know what attachment style you lean towards,
we have the attachment style quiz in the resource tab.
So there's secure attachment, which is what we all thrive for.
We're hoping to get there.
We're hoping to get even there.
I always believed that I was an anxious attacher.
I just recently found out that I'm a bit of both.
I'm one of those fearful avoidants.
So I'm anxious and avoidant.
And so there'll be some people that are that,
and then there's some people that are avoidant.
So it's always good to know just to kind of to check out.
Oh, Lori, you are here.
Okay, yes, Lori, anxious and you're getting better.
You are.
For sure.
Yes, I would definitely take it and see what it says.
I've taken it and it said I was an anxious attacher,
but I took a deeper one with my counselor,
and that's where we uncovered I'm a little bit of both.
So it was really, really helpful.
All right, Candy, I'm going to take you,
and then I've got three other people.
Oh, I'm gonna try to get to you.
We got about 10 minutes.
So ladies, I need short, brief, and powerful,
and I know I'm not doing a great job at it.
I'll try to do better here on the next four.
What's your question, Candy?
Okay, are you able to hear me?
Okay.
All right, good.
So I post the questions on the, ask the coach,
but yeah, so anyway, so that is reference
to the question I have like two, three weeks ago
when I asked you, I have been talking to a guy
who spent half a year in PA,
half a year in California.
I have been talking to him since February,
but we just have been very casual talk,
nothing intimate, nothing deep conversation at all.
Have you had any, have you had videos?
Yes, so yeah, I do have video.
So one video, but that video just like,
just to make sure that we are not scammers.
Okay, so after that, we just talk on the phone,
and then later on, he has been one time,
like a few weeks ago, he has been keep calling me,
and I just find it very annoying
because he just call me like 11 p.m. all of a sudden,
and sometime like 2 p.m. all of a sudden.
So I just ignore his call, and then he send me a text,
say, well, it seems like you're not responding,
that it seems like you're not interested anymore.
Then I send-
Well, but you just said you're ignoring him,
so you aren't interested in him.
If you're ignoring him, right?
I ignoring him because I just find
that he's not respect my time,
because he just call me in the odd time
that I prefer a scheduled time.
Okay, well, then did you communicate that with him?
Okay, so I did, and then I,
at that point, I was thinking to just to end it, right?
But anyway, so I sent him a text saying
that I cannot believe you're not willing
to spend a few hundred dollars to come to see me,
especially you think that that's a possibility and all that.
And then he call me back.
Okay, so hold on, you said to him,
I can't believe you're not willing
to spend money to come see me?
Yeah, right, because I was getting-
Candy, I'm gonna stop you right there.
I want you to sit and think about that, okay?
If someone came to you and said,
I can't believe that you aren't gonna spend
a couple hundred dollars on me,
I must not be important to you.
How would that make you feel?
How would that make me feel?
That maybe you're not that important.
It's not positive, all right?
Okay, I understand it should be positive, right?
This is ladies, this is when I'm always
your biggest cheerleader, but I'm gonna tell you ladies
what you need to hear, not always what you wanna hear.
Candy, you can't have expectations on him and be,
it sounds like you have a lot of expectations
that if he doesn't do something that you want him to do,
then you ignore him or, well, I want it to be planned.
Well, believe it or not, not everybody works that way.
He's calling you because he's thinking about you.
Right.
He's not planning, he's not gonna go to his calendar
and be like, okay, I'm gonna plan to think about Candy
at 2 p.m. and that's when I'm gonna call her.
No, he probably just thought of you and be like,
you know what, I haven't talked to her in a little while.
I'm gonna give her a call and see how she's doing.
And he's calling you.
Yeah, I think that's what he's thinking,
but sometimes I just don't like people to call me
at the odd time, like all of a sudden, 11 p.m.
So that's when, and that's what I'm going to encourage you
to spend some hard work on that.
Spend time processing.
What is it that you're believing
as to why is that such a turnoff for you?
It's okay to want things planned.
Ladies, I'm a planner, okay?
I like things planned.
I am not a spontaneous person.
I, if things don't go as planned
and I don't have like a plan B,
I'm like, ooh, that is unsettling to me.
I have to be willing to communicate that with people though.
Hey, I really wanna get to know you.
My schedule is really crazy.
Would it be okay that we would schedule certain times?
If you call me and I'm not able to answer,
it's not that I'm not interested,
it's just, I'm busy at the moment.
Can you communicate to him?
Or when you see that he's calls
and it's not the right time,
do you ever consider, okay, I'm not available right now,
but when you have a free moment, do you call him back?
Well, I, no, because I'm-
Try that.
So like-
Okay, but can I just finish the story?
Okay, so anyway, so then he keep calling me.
Well, I don't have a whole lot of time
because I have three other people that we have to go,
but that's really what I want you to focus on, Candy.
I really want you to focus on what things you're believing
that, because what I'm sensing is that you're kind of-
putting up a wall with him and then if he's not doing what you want him to do
you're criticizing him like that's not if you're gonna criticize somebody I
can't believe that you're not gonna spend some money to come see me you're
right so why are you like you might want to end it then if you don't think that
he's gonna invest the same amount of time but you also haven't opened the
door for him to feel like it's a safe space because if he's called you and you
don't respond to him and then he reaches out and it's like it seems like you're
not interested like it really does seem like you're not interested if you're
not responding to him I mean but I didn't respond back and said that I'm
interested it just that you know I took you know and then so he called me and
then I explained to him you know what happened and then he did call me back so
we have another video call yesterday actually okay and then those video calls
I mean but but just be mindful of how you're interacting with him he might
this relationship could possibly be stretching you to be open to what your
expectations are of people and what you're looking for and there's nothing
wrong with that and there's nothing wrong with wanting things to have a plan
and a schedule but I do want to encourage you to spend some time
processing like how you're responding to people because just even just hearing a
few things that you're saying of you know you're not spending money on me or
you know that like that can be off-putting for somebody and it doesn't
we can be clear and kind in our communication hey I'm interested in you
but you're calling me at some hours that I'm not available can we schedule a
certain time to call or if I see you call and I can't get to you I'll call
you back when I have a free moment okay because this because we have been
talking since February so it's such a long time okay I don't know whether this
should we continue or well we did talk about okay we're gonna meet in the end
of August so so right now I just having a very light discussion you know nothing
nothing deep conversation just to yeah well it's July so you've got you've got
like what five weeks I think so yeah just continue to see how it goes I
really want you to press yourself on how you're responding to him and being open
to maybe not always having things scheduled that if he calls you and you
have a free moment to pick up here's the thing ladies even if a guy's calling you
in the middle of something you can pick up and say hey I've only got about five
minutes how are you doing can I call you back at you know six o'clock I have a
free time then or you know I'm not gonna be free today but I can be free tomorrow
like you see how you're still communicating but not responding to
someone like that to me is signaling that there's some hesitancy on what you
feel about him so spend time processing what what do you want I get it's been
since February but do you want to if if you're interested in him continue to get
to know him if you're not sure and you wanted to say okay I need some time to
think about it that's fine too you need to decide what is it that you're wanting
okay okay okay okay great all right thank you candy
great Helen you're up next hi um a couple of questions I guess um just how
to navigate one question so I can get to Karina and um yeah okay so there's one
to maybe a couple of people in my kind of circle recently that I sense this
some kind of attraction but I don't know how to one guy he's at church and we've
been just you know the how high how are you we know each other's name stuff like
that and a couple of I asked this married couple who are my friends to
kind of find out about him he's single has six kids and which my my friend was
like he has six kids I thought he was joking but he was serious I'm like you
kidding right he's like you told me to ask for you and I'm telling you what you
know he asked another usher he's a this guy's an usher and he asked a fellow
usher and I was like oh dude I thought you were joking anyway I don't know how
to navigate that okay and then the other guy we played pickleball together
and he kind of invited me to a church service but it was just like oh there's
a service on Sunday nights okay directly extend the invitations I don't know if I
should like follow up or I don't okay well that way so you went pickleball and
he invited you to a church service you could probably follow me like hey I had
fun playing pickleball I'm not gonna be able to make the church service but why
don't we get together sometimes church service he didn't but he just said hey
there's a church service on
Sunday nights, even like say, would you like to come?
Okay.
Well, I would still like,
did you have fun playing pickleball with him?
Yeah.
Just reach back up and be like,
hey, it was really, really fun playing pickleball with you.
We should do that again.
Or, you know, grab coffee or grab lunch or something.
Just shoot it out there.
Go ahead and just initiate, like say, hey, I had fun.
I would like to do this again.
And then let him lead planning the second date
if he wants one.
Okay.
But let them know you're interested.
Let them know you had a good time
and you want a second date.
So that's the second guy, right?
You said, was there another guy?
That was the second guy.
And it was a group, a group pickleball thing.
The second guy's at church.
Okay.
Okay, so it was a group pickleball.
Yeah.
Like, hey, I had a lot of fun hanging out with everybody,
but would you be open to just you
and I getting together sometime?
Throw that out there.
That's the drop in the hanky.
Let them know that, hey, I had fun,
but I just want to have fun getting to know you right now.
Yeah, the guy with,
so with the guy that had the six kids, the first guy,
are you like interested in dropping the hanky
to get to know him more?
Or are you a little thrown back by the six kids?
Both.
Okay.
Here's the thing.
There's no harm in getting to know somebody.
All right?
Just get to know him in the here and now.
You probably are not going to be asking questions
about his kids.
Now, if he offers some of that up,
remember, we don't want to go into the overshare.
Do you know if he's had, like, was he married before or?
So the investigation was that he divorced,
and my friends were like,
you don't know if it was,
oh, if this six kids have one mom or several moms
or you know what I mean?
There wasn't all of that.
I feel like my sense of him
is that he really loves the Lord,
that he really serves people.
I see how he serves people at church,
and that's what attracted me to him is his demeanor,
his love for God and his love for people.
This whole other thing,
I'm learning to give grace to people.
Yes, give grace for that.
Because again, who we were in our past
does not mean who we are now in our future, okay?
Even if he's got a couple of different baby mamas,
like, I had a kid out of wedlock.
Believe it or not, I had guys from Jackie's community
and guys from my church
that didn't want to date me because I had a kid,
and I wasn't married before.
And that hurt because I'm like,
yeah, I get that maybe I didn't do it the way that,
you know, I should have done it,
but you know what?
That wasn't, I only did what I knew how to do.
And I repented, I got forgiveness for that.
And I didn't like being judged for my past discretions.
And so we definitely want to go in it with eyes of grace,
but we also want to be mindful and being like,
okay, is there patterns here?
Was there healing or anything else that took place?
And that's again, like,
you get to see that over time getting to know somebody.
That's why I always tell you ladies,
go on two or three dates before saying it's a no.
It's a yes until it's a no.
Give it two or three dates, extend grace,
and you can come here and let us know.
Like, okay, I'm not really sure how I feel about this.
And we can help you see those blind spots.
So pray about dropping the hanky to him,
reach out to pick a ball guy,
let him clue him in that you want to just hang out
with just him and get to know him.
And the other guy at church,
again, you could probably drop a hanky there too.
Yeah.
Sound good?
It's so hard to do that kind of stuff, but yeah.
And you can space it out.
I wouldn't say go do it all in one day.
You don't want to double and triple book yourself either.
Do it on an app.
It's another thing too.
I was sharing at the other group, in the church circles,
you ask somebody to opt for coffee
and you might as well have proposed.
You know what I mean?
And everybody at church knows about it.
It's like, how are you going to be received?
Is it going to be, you know, it's just, ugh.
I don't know.
It's being vulnerable and it's putting yourself out there.
And again, like it's reminding yourself,
getting to know someone for coffee
is not a marriage proposal.
I explain it this way.
Would you be hesitant to go out with a new girlfriend?
Like a girl that you just want to be friends with?
Then why should it be any different with a man?
Because he's a man. I know but we have to just be like look I am just getting to know somebody
that is it. Seeing if there is a spark of interest there. Is there anything intriguing? What do I
like about a person? What do I find you know appealing about this person? What do I not find
appealing? Because sometimes we go into it thinking oh I'm really like excited for this and then
he's a slob when he eats and you're just like oh I can't I can't do that.
Or he's really healthy and he's talking about you know an ex-girlfriend and he hasn't gotten
any healing from or whatever. Like you're just getting to know somebody that's it.
I was going to be like so what bible study do you go to? What life group do you go to?
Is that a strategy or is that too vague? I mean if you're at church right and you see
each other in a church setting. I don't see that being a problem because you are in community at
church. Those aren't things that like on an app I would be like hey go ask that to a guy on an app.
That's a little like you know let them disclose that information to you. But when you are in a
level one community of church community then that's an appropriate question to ask.
That question then would you like to have coffee? Yeah but keep us posted okay. Thank you.
Thank you. All right Karina how are you? Good to see you. Good how are you? Good.
Good so I've been off the apps for about three weeks because I was on a short mission trip with
my church. I didn't want to be talking to anybody while on except so I decided not to do that.
But anyway on the trip there was this one guy who's actually my co-worker now. He's pretty
new to where I work. We're both therapists and I started noticing how in the trip it was like a
week and a half and the trip he just kept kind of gravitating towards me kind of sitting next to me
kind of talking to me a lot. However one I was not interested because one I'm not attracted to
him at all. He's like where are you sure? I'm sure I'm five two. He's like max five three five four.
Okay and just I was just not attracted to him too. We work together even though we don't really see
each other because we're both part-time. But as he kept talking more and more to me like I started
realizing like you know I like his character. I'm not attracted to him but I'm starting to
like his character. He has like a very you know like a servant's heart and things like that.
But towards the end like I started noticing he kept on kind of like picking on me.
Kind of like a little kid that likes a little like a little girl kind of like. Yeah because he's
probably into you. But I'm not a fan of it. At first I was like you know what not that bad but
after it just kept going and kept going and kept going and I was like that's me like stop and he
just kept going and like picking on me. So I was like I don't know if that's a maturity thing or
if it's just uh. How old is he? He's 39. 39 okay yeah that's a little.
So I don't know that put me off but another thing that I was a little confused well not confused but
a little bit unsure about was um it's a hard work I know I have to do but he asked me like oh what
did you think about me when we first met which was like several months back and I told him and
then I asked him what about you he's like I thought you were very stuck up um he said because
I guess I can be very quiet so and I've been told this before that because I'm quiet it seems like
I'm stuck up and he's like you're very professional like you seem like you have your guard up. You
need to get to know people before you open up and let them in yeah and some people can read it that
way but I want you like did you affirm to him like that is not you and I want and and you are
not carrying that when people say that break that off if people say that over you it's okay to break
that off because you know that that's not who you are. Yeah and I didn't mention to him well I've
been told that since I was little so I was a little kid I've been told that not all the time
but sometimes um and and he was able to say like oh but you're also this you're funny you're this
he was able to say like positive things about me not just that but I don't know I feel like
it just triggered that and me again the whole people think I'm stuck up or I know I do have
a guard up like how do I work on that I'm like laying that guard down. Yeah those things will
be like you know just going and asking the questions and asking like when people when
people say that to you how does it make you feel and what are you thinking and then just be writing
that and again like the best way that that I've learned how to do this is if I can just write
and think like share like what my feelings are.
are, I will, and then read over it, I will tend to see what
pattern, like, what's the root, like, I can typically see, okay,
this is tied to my worth, this is tied to my identity, this is
tied to trust. And I can kind of navigate that. And then that's
when again, it's just spending time in prayer, spending time
with the Lord, asking for those revealings for healings, when
did you when did you when did that? When did that first
feeling come about? Like what memories are tied to that? walk
through any forgiveness? Sometimes there's repentance,
like, you know, if it's, you know, when people say that,
sometimes it's a word, I repent from ever taking that on. I
repent from, you know, believing that about me,
because this is who you say I am. And so again, I'm just I'm
sensing it's more of an identity and a worth thing. And what you
believe about yourself.
And, yeah, I've been told, I don't know, like 1011, maybe by
like, an aunt, like a relative that I didn't really see very
much. And then after that, just by like other random people,
that I don't really go back to go back to that. And I would
spend some time processing through that. And recall the
memories. What was happening? What were you thinking? What
were you doing? What were you feeling? Was it a certain time
of year, like, ask the Lord to start revealing certain things
to you and figuring out where that root is, and what you
believed and what lie you started believing. And then
again, it's replacing the truth, like replacing the lie with
his truth. Okay, but that's where I'm, I'm, I'm sensing it
has to do with identity and worth. And there was something
Yeah, there's something there. And so that's why that's a
trigger. So, um, and ladies, and this is the thing, like, I would
say give him a chance, but you don't have to, if he asked you
out, I wouldn't say you have to go drop a hanky if he asked you
out, give him a chance. But if if you don't, and it's okay, if
you don't want to, I think this interaction in this situation,
this opportunity is allowing you another level of healing, just
growing you deeper, that's just going to heal you more and
continue to prepare you for your love story. Okay. All right. All
right. Is it Amaka?
Yeah, so I know I had a hard time with your name last week.
Yeah, you did. You did a good job today. So well done. Yeah. So
I just wanted to get feedback on how I handle this narration. I
live in Nigeria, we don't really do dating apps as much. So
that's not a thing here. But there is someone that I've been
talking to who met me from church. And I would say we've
been on level two for about two, three weeks. And we had the
conversation a few days ago, where he expressed interest in
moving to level three. But there are some issues. Number one, I
am going to be moving. Yeah, in November. And we're both like
very in person people. Like even when we want to have any
kind of serious conversations, we have it in person. Because we
tend to see each other frequently because of church
meeting and stuff. So we just talk after. And then the other
thing was, he also was very open about the fact that he doesn't
know if he's ready to be married, which took me aback
because I don't I don't know how to handle that. I think he's
scared that he's not ready. And I don't want to be his mom and
you know, navigate that piece. So I decided to kind of tell him
that I don't I don't think we should continue walking, given
the situation. So so that's what happened. But I wanted to get
some feedback on if that was the right move or
I mean, do you feel like it was the right thing?
I don't know. I'm confused. Because we get along pretty
well. We Yeah, I don't know. I mean, you're just second
guessing your choice, right? Yeah, like, I just want to want
to do how I mean, you guys have spent two or three weeks
together when he address like when he addressed you about
moving to level three. Is he aware that you're moving in
November?
He is. And he is and he basically was like, although the
girls that I've dated in the past,
I would like to, you seem different,
and I do, I would like to be your boyfriend,
but with the move, I don't know
how we're going to navigate that,
was kind of what he said.
And I thought that made sense,
because I also don't know,
and I don't like long distance, so.
Yeah, I think in those types of situations,
like, it is, like, it would be asking,
well, what does this look like?
What does being, what does you being my boyfriend look like?
You know, I mean, because if it's a,
oh, I just want to be able to kiss you,
I want to be able to do all this stuff with,
you know, and you're investing your heart into it,
and then you're just going to be leaving,
you can be clear and just say,
look, that's not what I'm looking for.
Because here's the thing,
you don't know what it's going to look like.
Is he willing and open and interested
in the possibility of it continuing to get serious
even after the move?
And is he open to the idea of moving?
If you ask him, like, look,
you know, what does this look like to you?
What does being my boyfriend look like
with me leaving in November?
Is there any possibility that if this continues to go well,
and we enjoy each other, that you'd be willing to move?
And if his answer is no, then you can be like,
well, then I'm not going to continue to move forward.
If you are open to the idea of seeing where this goes,
then that's one thing.
I'm a little hesitant with him,
not sure if he's ready to be married, but here's the thing.
Sometimes men aren't sure yet.
Like men are not going to be always ready out the gate.
Some men, like you are going to know
if there's a marriage-minded man,
because if he is marriage-minded,
he won't let you know in the very, very beginning.
Most all the time.
Not everyone is like that though,
but it doesn't mean that they're not open to marriage.
It's just, they're not sure what that would look like.
So again, those are things that you have to,
you have to find peace within yourself about your decision.
And so that's what I would encourage you is spending time
seeking the Lord for the peace that you need
in the decisions that you're making.
So, go ahead.
Yeah, he did mention being open to move,
but the thing with the move is
there's going to be a lot of paperwork involved
with like filings and work authorizations.
It's not as straightforward, and most of the time.
Yeah, it's not like you're moving from, you know,
one neighborhood to the other side of the, you know.
Exactly, right.
You're moving completely international.
There's career implications and all of that stuff.
And most of the time you can't really do that for someone
unless you're married to them.
So it's almost impossible for him to just move.
It's going to be difficult
and have all of that sorted by himself.
So that's another layer to the situation.
So he's willing, but it's how will that work
in your relationship.
Exactly.
This is when, again, this is where it gets,
it's that surrendering the pen.
Yeah.
And that's why I encourage you to spend time
seeking the Lord for the peace,
because he's the only one that's going to give you the peace
about your decisions.
And so, and I, and just, again,
I can speak from my own wisdom
and I understand that when we surrender those pens,
it can be scary, but if we're connected to the Lord,
he is going to guide us in that.
There will be a peace that follows it
when you're seeking it.
And you'll know.
Like, I really want to encourage all of you ladies
is just to always be seeking the Lord
about those decisions and following up.
And that is peace even when you're not sure
what you're supposed to be doing.
I did that a number of times.
I did that with a guy that I was dating
and I wasn't sure if I was supposed
to break up with him or not.
And I did because I just didn't have peace to continue.
And after I had it done, I felt so much more relief,
but I also was like, did I do the right thing?
I gave it to the Lord.
I was like, Lord, if I shut the door
and I wasn't supposed to,
I invested in me and my spirit mate and my love story
that if I close the door and it was supposed to stay open,
you are going to bring this man back into my life.
I'm not going to have to do anything.
I'm not going to have to talk to this guy.
I'm not going to have to reach out to him.
None of that.
Ladies, that door never opened.
And that doesn't mean that Jackie.
at times, because she knew about him, she would ask me about him and I'd be like,
oh, am I supposed to reach out to him? And I would always go back and be like, no,
God, you are going to bring him in front of me. I don't have to go do it. And it was about a week
before my husband and I met, or he got introduced, Jackie brought that guy up again. And I was like,
nope, not going to do it. And then with my husband, you know, I was unsure for a little
while. And then we started dating and there was so much confirmation, like things God had spoken to
me years prior to meeting him were just supernaturally happening. And so I really
sought the Lord in that relationship. And I had peace to follow into that relationship and follow
into marriage. And there was, again, there was a lot of different things. So ladies, I just
really encourage you to get in touch with the Lord and really, really spend that time
praying to him, seeking him, asking for his wisdom, asking for his peace and being in
relationship with God, because it will make the process a lot more less intimidating.
That's super helpful. I think for me, the last thing I'll say, part of why I was beating myself
up and second guessing is because I am a shy, anxious attacher. And a lot of times I make
decisions that come across as very emotional. So I tend to not trust myself because I know I was
very emotional when I was making those decisions. And so I'm like, was this God, was this logic,
or was this emotions? And I'm not really sure where to place that. God is not a God of confusion.
So if you're feeling confused, that's when you're sitting, you're trying to do it in your own
strength. So just rest in that. You can trust yourself because you have a heavenly father
that loves you and you can trust in that. And he's not going to steer you wrong.
Thank you.
You're welcome. All right, ladies, it's time. I appreciate you all so much. I hope this blessed
you. If you did not get to ask a question and you had a question, please, please, please put it in
the app. I definitely want to hear from you ladies. But again, ladies, always a pleasure.
And I will see you all next week. Okay. Take care.