All right, so I'm going to go through housekeeping really quick because we need to hear it.
So I want to reassure you guys, those who are just coming to phase two, no pressure
on the seven day challenge.
There is not a requirement for you to move to phase three, advance or do anything.
It's just a challenge to get you pumped up and ready to roll.
I will tell you after your first date, they just kind of start rolling.
And if it didn't happen the first day, the second day, it's just kind of, usually if
you get a date, most of the times you've kind of let your guards down and you've stopped
being so selective, meaning drilling everything, right?
And then you've kind of opened up some, and then once you open up some, you do start dating
more guys.
Ideally, most of the time, if you relax yourself, if you don't, if you stop believing that every
man you talk to is your husband, you tend to relax.
Once you get over the idea that this man that I just clicked on is my husband, how much
does he make?
How much does he love Jesus?
I must find out right now because these are the prerequisites for me to invest because
I will not waste my time.
Once you get past that woman in your head, you're going to start going on dates because
you're going to find that there are a lot of people out there in this world.
All right.
Let me see.
I have it here on my little notes.
It's usually printed out.
Let's talk about what we do in this phase really quickly.
I'm going to try to be through by 7.05.
This is phase two.
There are three levels to dating.
Even when you move to phase three, there's still three levels to dating as Jackie has
defined it.
Level one is when you first meet somebody.
Hello.
How are you?
You exchange the first message on social media, whatever you're talking about.
Level two is when you start active communication, you go out on a date.
This phase lasts, if you keep talking to the same person and you like them, up to 90 days.
By the time you get to 90 days, which is three months, you want to define the relationship.
The relationship is not defined when he tells you, I'm not dating anyone else but you.
Oh, well, that has nothing to do with you.
When a man says this, it will pull on you and be like, oh, if he's not talking to anybody,
I shouldn't say that I'm dating multiple people.
That may make me look bad.
Those are a lot of thoughts that you're going to have, but just because somebody makes a
statement to you that they're not dating anybody else but you, that man has not opened
up his mouth and asked you to go exclusive with him.
What he did is throw something out there and it should just be getting thrown out into
the wind and blown way past you because that is not him asking you to be exclusive with
him.
That is not him defining the relationship.
That's not what that is.
All right.
You want to give it a good 90 days before you go exclusive.
You get to 90 days, we want the man to leave, but if you're at third, three months and if
he hasn't said anything, you're going to have to get some definition because you're not
going to waste your time.
Somebody should know what they want at that point.
If you've been talking to somebody that long, you should have built some type of connection
with them, if that makes sense.
And then phase three is once you go exclusive, I mean level three, sorry.
Level three is once you go exclusive with that person.
This is when you are saying, I'm evaluating you as a spouse.
That means some of the things, you're going to always have the foundation.
If you decide to go exclusive with somebody, they must have a foundation.
They must be mature, masculine and marriage minded.
If you're going to take yourself out the market to be in a relationship with them and them
only, then they need to have three M's.
You shouldn't have gone that far with them into three months if they don't have that.
You know what I'm saying?
We could have, should have discovered some of those things along the way.
Level three dating is when you're in an exclusive relationship, you are now having more intimate
conversations.
You are now having more intimate conversations.
You are getting to know each other's community.
All of this exchange is happening.
We always encourage on level one and level two that you are not physically intimate with
each other, that you're not kissing, holding hands, physical touch, kissing, holding hands,
all of those things, they produce something.
It's called cloudy vision.
It's not just in this program, it is science.
You should research it.
I've done it before.
I've done it several times.
It does the same thing every time.
Because when a woman kisses a man, it releases something called oxycodone.
There's something is that feel good,
that you feel good all down on the inside.
That's why you want to kiss,
because you want to know if they can kiss
and how good it feel.
I mean, that's how it works, right?
But if you do this stuff ahead of time,
it really does hinder your ability
to make wise decisions about the connection.
And so it kind of blurs everything.
So you want to be mindful of that.
And then, you guys know this,
and oh, I see, I was going to be through a 7.05,
I'm going to be through a 7.10.
Hard work continues into every phase of your life.
You don't stop doing hard work.
You just get to keep healing.
And once that layer comes back, you keep healing.
Once that layer comes back, you keep healing.
Because guess what?
You guys, we've lived our,
we've been trained in whatever is happening in our life.
We were raised under these things.
And so that's just how that works.
And don't ever feel, a lot of times,
a lot of women post it,
they feel some feelings of disappointment
because you were triggered.
The fact that you recognize that you were triggered
says that you're healthier than you were.
It is the recognition of a pattern
that tells you you're doing well.
You were never supposed to go through something
and not ever see that thing again.
The only way that me or Bethany or anybody else
can help you is because when that thing came again,
we were able to apply a new law.
So we operated the old way at first.
We figured out what was happening in us.
We see that thing again and we said,
I know you, I've seen you before.
You're no longer a part of me.
I don't live under the law of anger anymore,
but I do direct anger to get out of my life.
I do tell this anxiousness where you're gonna go
because I'm no longer anxious anymore.
It doesn't matter if I feel anxious.
I recognize the feeling
and now I have wisdom to help me in this situation.
And I'm gonna apply the wisdom that I now have.
And so when I ever want you to feel disappointed
because you have a trigger, it's not about the trigger.
It's about what you do when the trigger comes.
And even if you feel like you blow it, who cares?
You are a learner.
You carry the heart posture of a learner, of a student.
Trust me, you won't do the same thing every time
for the rest of your life.
That's just not how that worked
if you're applying principles.
Everyone's story and pace will look different
in this community.
I've talked to you guys about this before.
I just wanna tap on this again.
How I coach Heaven will be different
from the way that I coach Martina.
Based on who they are, where they are,
what's their starting place
and what they need to spend a little more time in.
Our coaching is guardrails, not hard rules.
Guardrails are things that keep you safe.
If you apply them, they will help you greatly.
We know that they help
because we watched it over and over and over again.
And then you don't need our permission, you guys.
We're just here to help catch your blind spots.
Why do we say this?
You may think, well, I don't need you to give me permission.
Well, what happens is when you're in a program
and a program gives you guide,
gives you different guardrails to go by
or they teach you a healthier way to do things in life,
sometimes we can feel like,
okay, this is what we're supposed to do
and when we don't meet the mark, we feel bad.
So if we said level one, level two dating,
we really encourage you not to have any physical contact.
You go out, you feel like, oh, I'm gonna do things my way,
which we do through things our way
until our way doesn't work anymore.
You know, you were kissing, y'all were rubbing,
thankful, a little bit too far.
The next week, he break your heart.
You don't wanna come tell the community
because you feel bad
because they told you don't do that anyway.
And then you done did it and you thinking,
they told me don't do it and I did it.
I'm not finna tell them nothing because what?
I ain't gonna look stupid.
You know, you may have some thoughts like that.
Come to the community anyway.
You're gonna feel so powerful when you get it out
and trust me, everybody, including yourself
is gonna learn.
I learned some hard, hard lessons.
Hard, hard lessons.
Very hard, hard lessons.
My hard lessons in dating and men
are not far from your hard lessons
because I was once too a student.
So women are pretty much the same, right?
Across the board.
In certain particular ways and areas,
especially if culture coached us on how to do dating
in which most of us are coached by culture.
And in culture, physical comes first,
not the development of relationship.
And that's why we get and sit down with somebody
and talk fast as we can and share everything we know
because you haven't learned the order of connecting
in a...
an organic way because it's not widespread and most of us can grow up in homes and we're never
taught how to date. The reason why we're never taught how to date because our parents weren't
taught how to date. You don't know how to select quality people. The only marriage you know is the
marriage you grew up in and who knows if that was God's way of doing marriage. The only way you've
ever seen conflict is the way they handle conflict. So if they handle conflict by stonewalling,
arguing, shutting down, that's what you know. You can't help what you know.
So you have to learn a new way of doing things. And let me see. I went on about the time.
We're going to be your greatest cheerleaders. Trust me, we are not judging you.
Nobody's judging you. And we're going to have to have hard conversations
because that's just a part of it. You know, if you're in anything and somebody's not having
hard conversations with you, if you have relationships and somebody you don't ever
fall out with your friend, that may not be your friend because it hasn't been tested yet.
Everything must be tested. You must be uncomfortable. You must be offended. You
need to learn how to deal with offense. You have to learn how to take the meat and spit out the
bone. You have to know when somebody, something, a program, a book carries more wisdom than you
and recognize it and grab it at all costs. That is a principle of life that you should adopt.
Let me tell you, there are some times I don't particularly prefer people, but if I know they
got something that I need, I don't care what I think about them. I don't walk around, I just
don't like their attitude. Who cares about their attitude? That's how I am. I want the good.
And if somebody carries something that is going to be beneficial to my
development and growth, I can look past a lot of things to get it. I'm not talking about
crazy stuff, but sometimes you just don't jive with a person. You don't mean they don't carry
something good. That make sense? All right, last thing. I just got to say these things. You guys,
I know this is a true thing. Sometimes when we come into phase two, we're like,
where are the men? I need to get to the phase where the men are. They're already gone through
the hard work and I just want to get to the men. I want to encourage you ladies to take your time
in phase two. Go through the dating process. I don't care if there's a man when you get to
bless your single community on that group with you, it's not going to change that you're going
to know how to date this man. It's not going to change that you're going to have to know how to
use boundaries. But somehow we believe because somebody's in the same program that we're in,
that they are some quality of what? What if they're Russian just like you?
All the stuff you missed along the way, they missed along the way too.
They still come from a different background. They were raised in a different household. They still
have their own things. I'm just telling you, enjoy this phase. We're not trying to gatekeep you.
We're really not. We want you to go there. But I want you to enjoy this phase. I'm telling you in
this phase is this community is not as big as the next community you're about to go into, which is
absolutely amazing. It is. But if you want to get there so badly because it's already pre-planned
men waiting, which is kind of like Amazon, right? I hear you. I hear you on that. But this part of
the program is very beneficial to you. And it was my most favorite part at hands down. I like
hard work, but I liked phase two. It changed my life. Dating changed me forever. Seriously. Okay.
I'm going to stop talking now. I just want y'all to know we ain't gatekeeping. Slow down,
ma'am. Slow down. You're going to be married to deaf do you part. All right.
Slow down. And then I want you to get over there and that man ain't good for your picking.
And then you're going to be like, oh man. Don't try to come back over here to me. No, I'm just
laying. All right. What you got for me tonight? Questions, hands go for it.
Oh my goodness. I have been waiting to talk to you all week.
Wait a minute. Who's that talking? It's Mandy.
What? Mandy Jacoby.
I'm trying to find you on the screen. Can you see me?
No, but it's okay. Just start talking. All right. I don't know why I didn't do that, but okay.
You'll be next Lenina. Sorry about that.
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I cut her off? She can go next.
Okay, go ahead, man. You're talking now. That's why I was like, did you raise your hand? Because
it didn't pop up. I did not raise my hand. You say go ahead. So I did. It's okay, girl. Go for it.
I'm so sorry. Okay, I'll be really, really quick. Okay, so you told me last week, you said you
better get on a date and do something and stop looking at these men like they're your husband.
So I was like, Okay, so I did that. And I just made sure as long as they said they're Christian,
I'm just gonna go ahead and assume that they're telling the truth, right? Anyway, I went on my
first like, I call it a meeting, because this is nothing but meeting a brother in Christ right now.
And so I went on my first meeting yesterday. And yeah, it was really interesting. And at first,
it was good. And then at the end of the night, it was terrible. And so anyway, this man is like
literally talking about marriage, like on FaceTime, like the night that we just met for like two
hours, it went a little over but time flew by because it was a good conversation. But anyway,
he FaceTimed me and I guess I need healthier boundaries. I shouldn't have answered but I felt
like obligated. So I answered and then I was like up really late on the phone with him. And then
I mean, he's like legit talking. I don't know. It was just a lot of control kind of talk. Like,
I'm all about submitting to my husband. And I'm actually I look forward to submitting to my
husband. Like, that's nothing that scares me. But it was more like, that was a big part for him.
Like the woman has to submit and you can't be out of role and all these different things. And
then was telling me how he was gonna like, parent my kids. And it was crazy that I was like, I didn't
talk to him. And this stuff is wild. So anyway, I have made up my mind. But I wanted to run it by
you before I told him that I'm just not interested. Is that you think that's okay?
Well, look, yes. Okay. It's always okay to end things later because you have an intuition.
Oh, my goodness.
Right. And so there's some things you're going to end because you may be running because you're
in avoiding or you're judging harshly. But it's always good to run about a community. But within
yourself, you know, when something's just like overwhelming. But I just want to say,
can we give her a hand for a date? Mandy, the look on your face. I was like, she ain't gonna
do nothing. I see. It was the look like you gave me like, yeah. And I was just like, oh, man.
She ain't gonna do it. And I'm so glad your date was so good that that joker got home and
wanted to FaceTime you. He's like, I got me a live one.
Wow. And he is, it was a small world. He lives in Knoxville, where I live. And he actually plays
drums at the worship night at my church. So I was like, oh, so it was I mean, he doesn't go to my
church, but he it's just a different anyway, a different kind of type of community. But yeah,
he's not it doesn't seem like he just knows what he's doing with his life. And yeah, he's been
divorced for a year and a half. And I just feel like, yeah, because of the heartwork, I'm seeing
he's just not healed. And I'm almost I'm just a rebound because he hasn't healed from his past.
And so I was like, thank you, heartwork for letting me see these red flags, because at first
they were yellow. But at the end of the night, I was like, oh, these are red, these turn red quick.
So when he said he wanted to give me another give give give me another example of something else he
said. Um, okay, he Well, something else that he mentioned was this the pain for dates, which I
thought was like really soon because we didn't even I bought my own smoothie. So I was like,
I, you know, which is fine. I got there first. And I went ahead and bought it. So he didn't feel
like he needed to buy it because I didn't want him thinking anything anyway. But he was just
talking about how it's not fair, when women just expect things and all this stuff. So I felt like
that was a little bit of a yellow flag, it would have been red back in the day, because I don't
know, I feel like I have gotten a little soft in that area. But yeah, I think it was mainly like,
examples on how he would parent my kids just really rubbed me the wrong way. I don't. Yes.
When y'all talked about dating, were y'all talking about how dating sucks?
He made that comment about me have to always pay?
No, he just brought it up.
Hmm. Okay. And what did he say about parenting your kids? So Mandy, I'm asking you these
questions so that we could hear what you said those red flags are so us as ladies can hear
those things. And, and so we could practice judging these thoughts ourselves. But when
somebody says this, like, what do we hear? So everybody's hearing what you're saying.
And right. So what do you say about your kids?
He's a talker. So I honestly didn't do a lot of talking, which I enjoyed in a way,
because I didn't have to, I feel like men copy off of me easily and just tell me what I want to hear.
And so I felt like that was nice. But then also, he just made a comment, like,
he does a lot of for example, like, oh, for example, if this happened, like, it's almost
like he's not really living in reality. But he was just like, let's say they don't want to your
kids don't want to do this. How I would handle it is, I would do blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And I'm like, okay, like, you don't even have kids, bro. You know? I don't know. Now I just
was like, Oh, that's a great idea. I never thought of that. But in my head, I'm just like,
okay. And so I found out that he was married to a woman with three children. So he feels like he
knows how to parent. So that made more sense at the end of the night. Still don't really know why
the reason was for his divorce. But we shouldn't even have got that far. Because we shouldn't have
been on the phone so late. So I need to work on those types of boundaries. Yeah, no, man.
I think that was so good. Thank you for sharing. I'm excited. I think you get it. It's time for
you just let him know that. I don't know how you're gonna say I would, like, you know, it
would be nice if you told him that you weren't interested without letting him know every fault
that he had. So he can you don't want to create a conversation where he's like, well, I want to
say this because this one said that, you know, but more like, hey, you know, thank you for your time
and getting to know you was definitely an interesting experience. I realized that when we
got into those deeper topics, that was overwhelming for me. And for me, I wasn't ready for that.
And I didn't recognize that. I want you know, it was great getting to know you, but we're not going
to further any conversations. Okay, I don't want to go any further with this. Yeah, he also made
fun of people that wait to kiss on their wedding day. I started laughing. I'm on FaceTime. So I
can't hide my facial expressions. Yeah. And I started laughing. And I was like, well, you're
making fun of me because I'm that person, actually. And you're like, oh, and try to go back.
So anyway, I appreciate your advice. Thank you. Oh, yeah, you're welcome. Um, and let's just say
I just want to bring this out because coaching is his time for this. This is the time for these
ladies. I want you to hear now they're gonna be ladies that get on here and say,
all he did was talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. He didn't want to know anything about me.
That's the stance. And then you hear Mandy say, I really enjoy him doing all the talking.
Can you see how when a woman comes to a man and say be like this, that every man experiences a
different one women differently. Every woman has some type of way that she wants this man to be.
So if he had a man who he likes for me to ask him the question to even out the talking.
Who likes that? Raise your hand. Right. So you would have came away from this day saying what
he don't do nothing but talk about himself. He didn't give me a chance to say anything.
And then if he had asked you could say, well, you know, you don't you didn't ask me questions,
you didn't let me talk. And then he could have dated Mandy a month before and she just never
talked, talked, talked, talked, talked, talked. And so here you have a man that every woman is
like they're just so different or to have these temperaments about, you know, sometimes we have
like we want it just the right way. That makes sense. And you think this one man is supposed
to meet all of these demands that you already these preset expectations. I'm only bringing
that out to say, let's let people show up as they are and make a decision from who they say they are
and not be offended by who they are, but just let them be who they are.
Right. Okay. And what he did was he's never been coached before, but men, when they want a wife,
I haven't learned from being this program. When they sit down, they say everything up front.
If they got PTSD, if they've been married two times, cause in their mind, they're like,
we're getting it all out on the table. If you want me here, it is. Can you accept it? Oh,
you can, we can keep going. That's how they feel. Because a lot of times the load of dating is on
the man and he's having to pay for these dates that you go on. Most men will pay for dates.
And it's like, well, let me just tell you.
I spent all this money in you spend this money us going out. I'm getting connected to you. This is who I am
Do you want me or not?
Can y'all hear that kind of in exchange when everybody's kissing he kept talking kept talking kept saying everything they have this mass
I'm just gonna put it up specially me and who want a wife
Usually it's just like BAM. Here you go. Now. Does that mean you're supposed to accept that?
No, that means you're supposed to stop them when they're talking. Oh
Excuse me. I don't mean to cut you out
But this information is of just a bit more than I'm ready for right now. We can talk about these things later
If we get there we can discuss these more personal things. I'm not comfortable right now
I just want to get to know each other
So I have a question for you if you could be any superhero, who would it be and why?
You don't have to wait till somebody gets to the end of sharing how many divorces they've been in if they got
PTSD or whatever going on with a mama they sustained a little cousin because trust me by the time they're done
You're gonna run for the hills
You don't know that their heart is kind you don't know that the reason why they're taking care of their mom and maybe it's cuz
They're the only child like you don't even get to see that man because he's up like he's uploaded so much
And yeah, you're gonna run for the hills who wouldn't run you should run with somebody lay out all of it to you
Okay, just want to add that to that. All right
Good job, Mandy. Let us know about the second date Lenina. Oh
I'm pretty I want to update from you too. Can you raise your hand?
Can you hear me
Yep, go ahead Lenina
Already, so I'm gonna tell you first of all that I am ready to be in this
Stage I want to practice practice practice because practice makes perfect
Right, and I don't want to assume my husband is here because I want to have it down right for one and do it
Right for that time. So I want all the practice I can get that being said
After last week, I put up my profile and it was like
It was like a whirlwind I like it's been
non-stop, but
I'm like at first I was like a kid in a candy store. I was like
Yes, yes. Yes, and then it's like it's too much to keep up
I was like should I have a spreadsheet should I have the spreadsheet label with age kids? No kids
This is how my brain works, right?
And I was like girl, this could be your whole life if you let this overwhelm you so let me reel it back
Let me reel it back
Let me pick the top two and three and see what kind of investment they ready to give right? I've kept it shallow
I've kept it. What's your favorite color the movies the music all of that little stuff
All of that stuff, but you get that in like these tiny little pieces and I feel like sometimes I'm like
Pushing and like I don't have time to reel nobody in
So I feel like I want to have a dear John letter ready to go and be like look. I
Am ready to make some friends if you are ready to make some friends, please continue
But if you want a booty call or this or that I'm not asking for a ring
I just want a friend if not check no
Delete me because I feel like I could get very very sucked into this and I don't want to I want to practice
I want to get to a date that being said
What is the timeline? How do you what is the timeline for chat to video?
To to date like what is that timeline because I want to follow it
So you want a date if you're going online for business, this is what happens you accept somebody you like them
They like you back you reach out to them right then I send a message right then
I ain't about this stuff waiting on you to send me a message. Hi. I've noticed something on their profile
I make a comment about something on their profile. I ask them how the day is doing. I keep it simple
Don't make a long pair here. I'm gonna say hey, how's your day going?
Oh, hey, how was work today something like that, right?
I'm being they're gonna respond and then we're gonna respond I exchange for maybe this is not in protocol in the this
Not laid out like this in some teaching. I'm just saying how you get to a date in a week
If you want to be the captain of the ship
Yes after one day of conversing back and forth with them. It is hard for me to converse with people in apps
That's very challenging for me. I can't do that life. So I'm a little bit more BAM BAM
I just want to add these disclaimers in
So day one you're chatting with them back and forth day two you're chatting with them
Day two it's like hey, you sound like a really great person to get to know what you
Be interested in grabbing a cup of coffee or if you feel better doing a video chat first
Would you be interested in doing a video chat with me just one and then they're gonna say something yes or no
So you so let me say it again. Would you be interested?
So i've enjoyed getting to know you I have an idea. Um, would you like to do a video chat?
If so
Let me know the reason why I tell them to let me know because I want their buy-in
Right, right. I want to know that they agree every step of the way to what we're doing
And so they're gonna say yes or no
Or what?
I don't know what they're gonna say back if they say no that they're not interested in doing a video chat
Just say oh, okay. So there somehow their problem is going to end if they say it'll be great. Oh great
These are the times i'm available
I don't do this back and forth. When can you do it? Oh, when I can I do these are the times that I am available
If you don't want to give them your number ask them to give them your email
Or their messenger and you'll if they do the email you can set you'll send them the zoom link, right?
If they want to you don't want to give them your number you want to do messenger say hey, let's connect over messenger
And see how that goes
That's your video date
Let's say you don't want to do a video date before you meet them
Then because after the video this will be your next line if you feel cool with them
But if you don't want to do a video date, we're on day two of communication if you're comfortable this way
And they live in town 60 miles
Our way, how about we grab a cup of coffee on saturday?
I would like to get to know you better. Would you like to grab a cup of coffee?
Maybe saturday
Or would you like to grab a cup of coffee?
They're gonna say something right yes or no and when they respond back to you give them your schedule for them to choose
Which date and time?
And there you go
i'm writing notes
You don't have to feel like well
I want to talk to them some more more more before we get to the coffee date
You can talk to them on the coffee date, but it's what you feel comfortable with
Mind you it matters about what you feel comfortable with
But these are the rules that these are the guidelines that you're gonna find in the videos
When you start dating somebody as soon as you start that talking they connect with you, right?
Within a week you need to be on the date
That's what's in the videos that you watch within one week. You're on the date
If they live near if they live hour and a half two hours within two weeks, you're on the date
If they are out of state
Country
It country they're gonna be tough if they are out of state and it's a if it's a flight to get to you
You need to not talk with them more than six weeks before you see them
Because the truth is you're gonna keep talking talking talking video chatting and you feel like you know them, but you don't know them
You don't know a person until you experience them, but you're gonna believe that you do
Because once you start talking and video chatting
You you just start talking about more things then you can well you got to get to know them
And that's a part of long-distance dating that you actually do a lot more talking and you share a lot more sooner than you would
If you saw that person
Does that make sense?
So if you're gonna do long distance you want to be mindful of that you want to be ready to make sure you got money
on deck
Because if you end up liking them, you're gonna end up spending some money
Unless he you know, he got that good like that. He got a lot of money
He gonna pay for the flights all the time
Somebody's gonna come out of some money the guy was dating was just in dallas
Which is three hours away and we saw each other twice a month
So I will stay friday and a saturday not with him with one of my friends that live there
But these were expensive trips and like add up and if I couldn't stay with my friend
I would have to get a hotel when he came here
He would stay with someone from my church and then he would stay for more extended amount of times
We'll get a hotel and it's just expensive. So that's just three hours away
And so even if he was paying for his trip here paying for hotel
Even he paid for my gas and everything for me to come there
But when he came here, I want to make sure that he doesn't pay for any meals
Why because of all he paid eight hundred dollars for his hotel for the for the week during the summertime
So or he stayed, you know, like staying with somebody's my idea to find somebody from my church
He could stay with but i'm gonna try to ease the load
Because I have a part to play. This is not somebody i'm just at this point. We're exclusive, right?
so
You got to think about those things about dating long distance
So that's a that's a good timeline. But the goal is within a week. You need to be looking at them
You want live dates?
Is where is it ladies?
Live dates sounds good lanina
Yes, I'm ready. Come on. All right. Heather? Hey. Hey. Okay, so first time kind of, well
first time talking to everyone, so hi everyone. Hey. So I, I'm a little hesitant like most
on the online dating piece. So I thought, Hey, there's this church that I have gone
to online for years, like pre COVID. I just listened in because I have my home church.
I love my home church, but this is like supplemental church. So, um, and I just happened to hear
like, Hey, two thirds of our population is single. So I went, okay, cool. There's a chance
that maybe I could meet somebody, um, there. So went to one of the services, saw that they
had these community outreaches. I went, okay, cool. You guys are doing meet cutes and there's
everything from running, which I don't do unless it's from something. And, um, and they
had swing dancing. So I went, sweet. I love to go swing dancing. So I got one of the girls
from my community group. She was my wing woman and I got all dressed up and a bright red
dress. There was no hiding in this dress. Like I was out there, bright red dress, matching
sunglasses, cute little white sneakers. Like I was ready to go. Um, and admittingly one
of my friends, uh, he was like, Hey, do you need a dance partner? Before we got there
I said, I'm going to be honest with you. I'm hoping to meet some guys and turn one of these
into a date. So like, I love dancing with you, but we're going to dance once and I'm
going to send you on your way. And so he ended up not coming, which is fine. But man, I was
ready. I had, I had, I was ready to go. Never met up with the people at the church because
I had no idea who anybody looked like. Um, had a great time, ended up meeting three other
girls who are also trying to find that group. There was a group of five of us. Okay. So
set the stage group of five of us. There's one girl who just looks so uninterested in
being there. And she was the one who consistently got picked to dance, which is just so
frustrating because I know you guys say, Hey, like smile at people, make eye contact, chat
them up. I was a leash baby. That has never been my problem. I talked to everybody. Um,
never met a stranger, but this whole, like not getting picked thing is something that
I've had like since the playground. And I'm like, I just feel like I'm wearing some sort
of repellent and I don't know like what it is. I've asked my friends. So like, no, you're
fun. You don't have RBF, like don't know what it is. So I know that that's, this is a lot
that I just threw at you, but I could just use like any sort of help because I am going
to do the online, the Facebook dating app. And I'm just going to toss the phone to my
friends. You guys pick the first few and we'll go from there. But it's like, what type of
repellent am I wearing? Because it really is like hurtful and annoying. And I just, I
haven't like been in a committed relationship in 17 years. So I wasn't great at the game
right when I was in it. And I've had some hurts circled around, um, circled around that,
like being used as, as the, the stepping point to, to the, to the friend that they, they,
they, they ended up marrying. So, you know, it's just, it's a pattern, like I said, pattern
from the playground. And I, I don't, I don't know what to do.
Right. Heather, somebody asked a really good question in the chat, you know, just being a
lady. It was like, what does she have on?
Oh, um, some like a, a muted dress and Chaco's.
Oh, okay. Well, let me ask you this, did any of your winged women go over and ask any of
the guys that you saw that you would be interested in to have a dance with you?
So I did end up going and asking guys to dance. And it just wasn't like, I just, anybody
who seemed like they were looking for somebody, I went, Hey, can I dance with you?
And the only person who asked me to dance was a woman who was learning how to be a lead.
And she made really intense eye contact.
So like, not that.
Okay. Yeah. So you did ask them guys and they did dance, but you're just saying nobody
approached. Okay. Yeah. Well, that does suck, Heather, because you were very excited to go
and you had your winged woman on, on board. Um, and I've been, I've actually sent people
over to talk to guys for me and the one I was married and he was on the phone with his
wife and I was like, golly.
But these things happen, Heather, and it's no repelling on you. Um, it's just, it was a
fun night and it didn't produce the results that you wanted. Um, but I think you did good.
And I like that you went up and asked people to dance.
that you had your wing women in that.
I just think that's how it is, you know?
Sometimes it's a hit and miss.
Okay.
I don't think it's fair to say
you be something different or better.
Yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
I'm sorry, Evan's going off.
No, you're okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's fine.
Any, I don't know, pointers, tips,
other than-
Keep doing it.
Dust yourself off.
Yeah, dust yourself off.
Dust yourself off, get up and keep going.
It's so many dust yourself off in this process
and that's why it can get tiresome.
And it's just like, forget this stuff.
But it don't look different.
Get this stuff on last week.
Then you remember you're single
and you want to be married.
And you just-
You know, it's like, am I going to give up
for a little while?
And then you get up
and that's what I want you to do, Heather.
Just get up, dust yourself out
and keep going.
Okay.
And it's absolutely nothing wrong
that you've not been in a relationship for 17 years.
Cause you could have been in a marriage
for 15 of those years
and it could have been miserable.
And now you could have been coming out
trying to get healed up
from the miserable marriage you were in
to some narcissist.
I'm just telling you, sometimes we think
that our record of not being in a relationship
looks bad upon us.
But there are so many things you could have did
with 17 years of your life
that would not produce where you are now.
I mean, it could have worked against you,
could have worked for you.
There's so many other things.
And this is not like be gracious speech,
but I'm going to tell you this.
There are some women
wish they hadn't spent the last 17 years
of their life the way they did.
You know what I'm saying?
And so I just want you to,
don't take any shame for that.
Okay.
Yeah.
And I typically don't.
It's just more of a have I,
where if I have any shame in that,
it's have I leveraged this time well?
This time prior to now?
Yeah.
So that's more, if I'm doing that,
I'm like, okay, have I given that away
to just like work, work, work?
Or have I leveraged my singlehood?
Because that's the time to grow in.
And you don't have this kind of discretionary time
when you're married or with kids.
So it's like, hey, have I ran after God
hard enough in this season?
Yeah.
Well, I tell you what,
marriage makes us holy more than it makes us happy.
So if you think you can run after Jesus,
you finna run after him when you say, I do.
Don't worry, baby.
Your legs gonna get tired.
Your breath gonna get winded.
Because don't nothing shape you up
like marriage and children.
So don't worry.
You finna be running hard for Jesus
for the rest of your life.
Excited to hit that trail.
Thank you so much.
Yeah, what he didn't get you in the 17 years
of singing isn't gonna catch you in marriage.
Perfect.
All right.
Thanks.
Thanks, Heather.
Linda.
Hello.
I think Marlee was before me.
Who?
Marlee.
Okay, go Marlee.
Linda say you were first.
Yes, she was.
Go Marlee.
Thanks, Linda.
Okay, so I just wanted to say that
it's been kind of a desert in the past few weeks.
But one of the high points that I had was that
Preeti came and visited my church on Sunday.
So it was really nice to see her, get to meet her.
We went for lunch afterwards.
So it was really nice.
And because she was there,
I did what I had been postponing.
And I finally shared with one of the ladies
that I know at church who is married
that I am single, that I am in this program
and that I would like to get married
and for her and her husband to let me know
or to think of me if they know somebody who is single.
So the ladies of the couple said right away,
oh, my nephew is single,
but he was really a lot younger than I am.
So it didn't, so it was not a possible match,
but that got the ball rolling.
So that was the highlight.
There was one person that I connected with via salt
and it's been,
one message, half of a sentence every three, four days.
And I'm thinking, so.
This was not really, really encouraging.
So it's just been a desert, really.
And I'm thinking maybe it's time for me to move to phase 3.
And I was wondering, when are the meetings happening
on phase 3?
They're usually on Thursdays.
Let me look at the thing.
OK.
But it's not always the same, because they're
having a meeting right now.
Let me go to the calendar right quick.
So they're having coaching tonight.
It's Tuesday.
And they're having, just giving you an idea.
And so on Thursday, they're having a single spotlight.
So that's an event that will be similar to this,
where Jackie comes on and does coaching.
So let's go into the month of August,
if you were going over there.
Oh, they haven't put their stuff on the calendar.
I'm like, wait for me, and I don't see anything.
So yeah.
So like tonight, and usually, so Tuesdays or Thursdays.
OK, thanks.
And usually at the same time.
I will miss you, but I think that you, phase 3
is a lot of fun.
And you've been in phase 2 a while.
And I've just declared that your desert, short little two week
desert trip is over.
Lord, she's thirsty.
Bring her water in her desert land.
That was a very, very, you know, they
kind of like, wow, that was a big stretch.
But we got to get Marla out of the desert.
But you know, you came in hot, y'all.
Marla had all her seven days.
She was hot out there.
So she thinks she's in the desert.
She done had so many men.
But no, phase 3 will be good.
We'll miss you.
OK, thank you.
Thank you, Mary.
You're welcome.
All right, Linda.
Thank you.
All right, I have two questions for online dating.
And as I indicated in the notes,
I listened to The Divine Feminine last night,
which was awesome.
But I did discover that, and Dating 101, too,
I discovered that, you know, I'm kind of maybe doing things
not quite right in the beginning.
So my problem is that I have a lot of scammers
that reach out to me.
And so I've gotten to the point where it's like,
how do I know you're not a scammer?
That's not the first response to someone
who might be interested in you that's not a scammer.
So how do you sift out scammers without being obvious?
Well, I think that you can say, once you message them
back and forth for one day, the next day you can say,
hey, it's been interesting getting to know you.
I would love to video chat, FaceTime,
but video any form you want.
I would love to do a video chat with you
just to get to know you better.
And if it goes well, I really want us to go to a coffee date.
That's what you can say.
You don't have to be around a bush.
That's the truth.
You want to see them.
Or what you can do is before even doing a video chat,
you can exchange numbers.
Get on the phone with them.
Hear their voice.
OK.
Because when the game plan is a date by the end of the week,
a lot of these other things, you won't
talk to somebody for a week and a half messaging back and forth.
Because if they exchange numbers with you
or they set up to do a video chat, you're going to know.
You can go ahead and change numbers first.
Go ahead and talk.
Say, hey, I would love to get to know you better.
Let's do a voice call.
Let's get on the phone.
Give them your Google number, unless you're in Canada.
I don't think they can do Google numbers over there.
No Google numbers.
Whatever number you want to give them,
whatever you're comfortable with.
But that's how you want to do that.
OK.
If they give me their phone number,
I do go do a reverse phone search
to make sure that it's a legitimate number before I
text them or whatever.
But I made a lot of mistakes in the beginning 20 years ago.
But there's so many more scammers out there now
that you have to really, really be careful.
So for those ladies that are on here
that have not done a lot of online dating,
really, really.
And through the safety items, because there's some really good hints in there that will help you to identify. But even with that, they still find me and they still get me sometimes. And it's very frustrating.
How do they get you?
Um, suck me in and you know, I think I'm communicating with a real person and it turns out that I'm not.
Well, let's have a look.
Well, you know, I don't do this anymore. But early on, I did send money to a few people.
Um, they have.
I'm trying to cut you out. But let's go back because what I'm trying to get to is how does it get there? Because the issue is not that they're scammers. The issue is how does it get there? Does that make sense? And so
Probably talking too long online.
Talking behind the screen too long. Scammers are real, but they can't be. If they don't scam you, it doesn't matter. But because you have been scammed in the past, you have gossip, but you weren't scammed because the scammer was in control of you.
The scammer didn't make you do anything. And this way you don't have to fear scammers. The scammer scammed you because something right here in the middle was missing before you got here.
That makes sense. And so I want to get rid of the fear of the scammer because you're more equipped right here. You don't have to fear a scammer because you can't be scammed.
They can't scam you if you don't let them scam you. That's what I'm saying. And so one thing about it, what you probably would be a huge cheerleader of is after their first time talking to them saying, hey, let's let's do a voice call.
And if somebody said, if you love me and will never say you're moving too fast would be weird. But if they did say, oh, you're moving kind of fast. So what do you have in mind? Would you like to do a video chat? I don't like I will say I don't prefer talking to people that I've not seen before. It's uncomfortable for me.
And if they put up a fight behind it, you know, you just go ahead and block them and go on about your beast because some ain't right.
Yep. Bless and block.
Yeah. Bless and block.
Okay. And my question is, for men that write to you, if you're just you look at their profile and you just are not interested for whatever reason.
Is it better to just ignore their message that they sent to you? Or is it more kind to respond and just say, I'm sorry, but I'm really not interested.
That's up to you. People write me all the time. People have written me in the past. And I don't feel I don't feel you don't have to feel obligated to respond to someone. Let me tell you something. Let me and I'm like, I'm gonna throw out the hook. If they bite the bait, we in. They used to throwing out the hook.
Grab it. We're gonna talk him now. I'm all good. Um, you don't have a responsibility to say something back to a person because they say something to you. Okay, if they don't have responsibility to say something back to you, because you say something, this is your choice.
Yeah. Okay. All right. I just was never quite sure. Like, yeah, what would be the proper way.
Sometimes if you respond back and say you're not interested, then then they get in, you get into this. Well, you know, why aren't you interested? And you know, if you try to say you live too far away, I mean that.
Yeah. So on the other hand, not saying anything, you know, I feel bad. You know, right? Like someone took the time to reach out to me. I'm not interested. But so but if it if it's, you know, if it's okay to just, you know, delete.
And yeah, then I then it would be like, too bad. So sad. Sorry, Charlie. But Linda, they did. They did. They probably did. Probably.
It is more likely that they did than they didn't because they're on a dating site in the same way you swipe past. Yeah. The same way they swipe past women that they may be interested in. Men are not like women. There's not these emotional things.
Right? And so.
What I want you to do as a homework assignment, Ms. Linda,
I want you to practice on showing up and doing exactly what you want to do.
Try it for a week.
If no is no, do it.
I don't care. Go against your natural inclination to be
something else and just practice living out loud.
You cannot lose,
you will not lose because it's not possible to lose.
The only thing you'll do is going to gain your ability to say no.
I will try that.
Before you go into marriage,
we're going to learn boundaries.
I haven't done that one yet.
I think I have that one next week.
Okay. That'll be good.
But I appreciate that.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
You're welcome. Ashley.
All right. Can you hear me?
Yeah.
Perfect. I have two questions.
Well, one's kind of, I went on a first date on Saturday.
We went to coffee and then since then he has
texted me every single day and I don't know if it's just because I have the ick,
or if it's just a hang-up that I have.
Yeah. You have a problem with him texting you?
It's every single morning to be like,
good morning and I'm like, dude, we met one time.
Do we really need to be being like, good morning, beautiful?
No, we're not there yet. Thank you.
In the past, I've always been like, if I like you then I'm like, okay, cool.
But if I don't, then I'm like, okay.
I've been trying to, I was like,
is this just that I am falling back into old ways?
Or is this really like,
and I need to actually give this person a chance?
Or is this really like, because like I said,
I did get an ick from him for a couple of things that he said on the date,
and so I don't know.
Okay. Well, I don't know what's your old way.
If I went on a date with you and then you were a little bit
too common on every single day,
then I would just be like, yeah, we're done.
I have a horrible situation or a past.
It is a past now because I'm claiming this,
that we're done with this,
picking people who don't necessarily want me.
In the past, you've picked people.
Have you taken your attachments down?
I actually have a secure attachment style.
Me and my therapist, we go through that.
Okay. But it's interesting to me that you have a secure attachment style.
Okay. Let me separate that.
Okay. Let me do this.
Let's do this. He's messaging you because he likes you.
I don't know if you're used to people liking you,
but that's what they do when they like you.
Yeah.
They talk to you. Okay.
That's what he's doing. That's it.
If you do not like it,
what you do is you don't respond to good morning texts.
I don't know if you do, but if you do, you don't.
And you respond later on with something.
Yeah. Yeah. And I respond every two days right now
because, again, it's like, this is where I've met you one time.
Like, I don't need to.
Well, okay. So it's best what you do, Ashley, is just tell him,
say, hey, thanks for reaching out.
You've been really faithful with reaching out to me every day.
And I think it's best that I tell you
that I'm not interested in getting to know you any further.
So have you had that conversation with him yet?
No, not yet because I didn't know if this was where I need to try to change my ways
or if this is, and I was being too, not judgy, but like letting.
What happened on the date?
So basically, it was overall an okay date.
We went and we had coffee, blah, blah, blah.
But then he said that he has a teenage son
and he makes his teenage son ask him for.
any food. He's like, yeah, he can have water if he wants water.
But if he wants to eat anything else, then he needs to ask
permission. And I was like, like, is this something that
like, that? Is there an issue here? Like, and so that like,
and there were and then like, there was a couple of other
things where he like, he told me all about his vasectomy. At
which point, I just cut him off and was like, that's not first
date material. Yeah, he was like, well, you know, it is for
some people. And I was like, there's something to say, like,
you don't want any more children, but I don't need to
know about your surgery. It was really like the him with his
son, like in talking and it's, that's how he raises his kid.
Great. It just gave me like, where I was like, is this gonna
be something where I get into a relationship with you and I go
over to your house and I want to eat chips like because he had
this whole story about how he would be like, so I know I
didn't eat these chips. And some are missing from this bag. So
and his son will be like, No. And he's like, it's only you and
me in this house. Like I know you ate and I'm like, who cares
if your child ate some chips?
Okay, Ashley. Whoever posted in the chat is not a red flag. I
don't know why he wants his son to ask him about food. You don't
know if his son has a problem with overeating. You don't know
if he wants to. I don't know like there could be so many
reasons why. It's not a red flag by any stretch of imagination.
But I want to know why does that bother you so much? How do you
take your brain and go from he says his child has to ask him
for food? Am I going to have to ask you for food when I come to
your house? Like, how did you make? How did you go so drastic
in your opinion of what he did? Like, what did they do in you
when you heard?
In the past, I was in an abusive relationship where I'm very much
a like, and so I do. And that's something that I have worked on
with my therapist that out also, because I typically do say
things. There are a lot of red flags where I'm like, is this
really a red flag? Or is this a red flag that I have made
because of past things? And yeah, and so that
it triggers you. It's not a it triggered you because it felt
like control. And because of your past, you can sniff control
out from a mile away. So that's what happened. Yes. And so you
don't you don't prefer his company anymore because you feel
like you decided that he's controlling.
Okay. Is that right? Yes. But I just wanted to make sure that I
am. I was not like over overreacting.
Well, you could be overreacting. What do you like about him?
Not much.
Well, think about it. Was he kind to you? Does he have good
morals, values stand? Like, what is it? Who is this man? What do
you know about him so far?
I don't really know a whole bunch about him. So I talked to
him for like, one or two days online. And then we had the we
had
we had to do it. Yeah. Yeah. What did y'all talk about over
coffee?
I there was a we talked about
we talked about fear snakes and hiking.
Apparently his child a lot.
What does he work?
He works as a contractor for the military. And so and I he was a
special ops, retired special ops or not retired, but medically
discharged special ops. And so I heard all about like, it, you
know, some of the reasons why he has like health issues at this
point because of
injuries that he sustained. We talked about, I live in a
military town. So we talked about a lot of military stuff.
Okay, got your parents. A lot. Okay. Of trauma with his parents
often. Okay. And then at one point, he told me that like, he
was at a store and he, his son and this was when his son was
younger, because his son was in the military. And he was like,
his son, and this was when his son was younger, because his
son is now a teenager versus someone's younger, and he was
like screaming. And so he bent down and he was like,
looky little effer, like, I'm going to beat you if you do not stop talking. And some lady stopped him and was like, you absolutely cannot talk to your child that way. And he was like, I mean, that is none of her business how I talk to my kid. And I was like, um, yeah, no, if you're saying that, like that, that's kind of a good thing that somebody is willing to stop. But like, because she doesn't, you know, like, she doesn't know if you're going to actually like beat your child. You know, so it was like,
okay, so this gives more insight as to why then when he said, I don't let my child get a chip,
that is an issue for you. Because see, now you're, you're connecting the dots, but these things on a
standalone, that's why I said, let me ask you to tell me a little bit more. And so standalone,
you say, he said, a child couldn't get you to do whatever he wanted to do, in my opinion,
because for one, he's just a date. I could care less. All right. If the man told me he was beating
his child is different. I'm not trying to figure out why he's doing whatever he's doing. It's just
not enough for me. But you have more now. One, this man is military. So he represents authority.
The authority that you were with your, your abusive relationship abused you. Right?
Military people can be much more abrasive, which can also look like control.
You're going to subdue me, put me under your control. And now you're talking about,
you say this to your child, you little effer. First of all, you're a woman, a man will let
that come out of their mouth, but a woman is much more nurturing. She usually wouldn't say
you little effer to her child, but you know, men will let some things come out of their mouth.
So now I see Ashley. And I think that you, you knew when you left them that you were not
interested. And I think letting him know that you're not interested is, is in order.
But so I see. So I don't, I don't think he gave you the egg. I think that there was a huge turnout.
Yeah. The way like, yeah, like he's not just an egg. You're not interested in talking to him again.
Yeah. And then my other second question real quick is I, and I try not to compare myself
to anybody else. Cause everybody obviously has their own journey and blah, blah, blah. But
it seems like, is there like, is there a way that I can have somebody look at my profile at like,
I don't know how you would look at a dating profile, but like, I don't feel like I get a
lot of matches. Like everybody else is like, yeah, I get all sorts of matches. And I'm like,
I get like maybe one every couple of weeks. What are you on? What are you on?
Bumble. You know, where, where you live Ashley? I live in Norfolk, Virginia.
Now it could be how much traffic they actually have in that particular area. That's a real thing.
Um, are you on Facebook? Um, I am on Facebook, but I have not done the Facebook dating thing.
Facebook dating is really good. I think you should try it. Lenina says, yes. One thing
and I'm not advocating for it because one reason I like it is because it shows you the friend
circles. If you have any friend in coming with them, it's really nice to see it because then
you can kind of, I'm not telling you to be a little spy, but you can say like, oh, they're
friends with this person that I know. Oh, I know that person. So it kind of gives you a little,
like they are a real person. They're actually friends, you know, something like that. But so
let me move from that answer to this. You can post your profile so that we can see it. So you
can screenshot it and let us look at it and then post definitely your profile picture. Let us see
your first picture that you have up there and then your profile and you can put it in Exacoach
if you want and just let us take a look at it and we'll share some feedback with you.
Okay. Yeah. Cause I was like, I don't think that it's pictures necessarily, but like,
I was like, I don't know what I'm saying that people are like, nope, I don't.
And to answer Mandy's question about the Bumble, women have to reach out first,
but you have to be matched together. And so I don't even get it where both of us have swiped
right. Like. Yeah. Bumble has been challenging for me in the past too.
Um, just because the way they're set up and, uh, both of you have to like each other
and they circled through so many pictures. So yeah. Okay. Somebody said something to you in
the chat too, about there in Hampton Hawk. Um, in case you didn't see that. Yeah. I saw it really
quick and then somebody else did. Oh yeah. So I'll have to look through the chart, but yes,
somebody, I saw a realtor. Yeah. Okay. Um, thank you.
You're welcome
We can't hear you Felicia
And while we're waiting on her ladies if if I call the name
Let's say you you saw your hand come up before that person is not
Is I don't try I don't pick one person or the other it's the way it cycles through on my screen and sometimes the hands
Will come up so quickly and so I just start I just write as fast as I can
And then if the front top row gets full then some of them would jump down to the bottom next row
And so I just want y'all to know that
Felicia we can't hear you
See you Marley, I'm gonna miss you
I'll come over on phase three and check on you. Okay. Bye
All right, um, let's go I think I found 13 is Stephanie is that you Stephanie
That was your name. I would oh
You hear you Felicia. Hello
Well now we can't hear you
I
Okay, there you go, okay
Yeah quickly. So
like
Mandy was saying I have some
similar, you know great conversation
until they started getting into
Serious, you know serious stuff and
Coming coming in
Until they start getting into serious stuff and
They kind of like, you know ready for relationship getting
I'm their wife and
You can submit a little bit of control. But one of the thing I want to say is that I find out that I'm triggered
by demand and
I am not sure if it's
Because it's something that I'm not used to in a relationship
Where demands are being made, you know, if they're looking for someone the person have to make sure they're cooking every day
You know stuff like that and I found out I was really triggered by that
When one of the guy the last one I'm talking to he said so like how you're off on Sunday
What would you be cooking for me?
And I don't know why I was and I'm a cook and I love to cook and serve that person
But I was triggered by that
Really triggered
So but there's other stuff that he said that I realized that I don't want to go any further with that and another thing on
That end is that I am so at peace and so freeing and I said that before
But it's developing so much more now where I can say that's not the right fit
Because most of the people are long-distance, so they're not like, you know in Virginia Beach
which I'm so looking for someone around where I can just have a date with these people they have to plan a trip and
By the time we're getting to that
There's always stuff showing up like that. So basically that's what where I'm at where I would love some coaching
why it's triggering me and
the freeing of
Telling the person that you know, it's not and I'm listen. I am so
Open and safe feel free to just say listen
there's some things that you're mentioning that's not gonna be a right fit for me and and I feel that I can just
Really bless them and let them know that I respect their
you know their
Their needs whatever they're looking for
But that's not what I am looking for. It felt so great and it's because of this coaching why I can say that
So that's it
You
Lower cheese help us out. Thank you
Felicia, can you change your dating parameters in your dating app and which dating app are you on?
I
Well, if you can hear me I can't hear you yet, but one thing can help
you with dating someone that's in your area is change your parameters so you can get people
who are closer to you. And the second thing I want to say, I used to be very triggered by men
asking me if I could cook. And so you're not alone in that. I would get so upset. I'm like,
don't ask me if I can cook. Can your mama cook? So that's how upset I would get. Literally,
I wouldn't say it to them. And I'd be saying, can your mama cook? I ain't your mama. Go learn how
to cook. Don't ask me, can I cook? What cooking got to do with anything? Just get so upset. And
so I want you to know that. Does anybody else want to get triggered when a man asks them if
they can cook? Yes. Look, I need a breath. My cooking day is over. Look, I'm too old for this.
Can you cook? We're going to be a tent, ain't we? But I think it has to do for me. It would
trigger me because it would take me to gender roles. I'm like, don't try to put me in a role.
Don't try to put me in a box. I'm not your wife. I'm just trying to get to know you. Don't tell me
who, what I'm going to do, how I'm going to do it. So for me, there was this rebellion that I
didn't know that was happening underneath of wanting my own autonomy and not giving me an
assignment before you even know me. Because I am going to cook for my husband. I was raised that
way, but I am going to do it. I'm going to cook for my household. I can cook really well. I'm
going to do it. There are things when you love a person, when you're married, you're going to cook
their favorite meal. If you like to cook, you're just going to do it. It comes with the territory.
But men don't always know what to talk about. They have these, you know how you have all
this expectation about the man in the night shining armor going to take you away and it's
going to be so romantic and it's going to be so this. They sit around and say, man, if she can cook,
she the one. I just want me a woman that can cook me a good meal. That's how the men are where I'm
from. So it is very common in the African-American community for a man to say, I want a woman that
can cook. It's a deal. And for some men, if she can't cook, he like, look, I don't know, don't worry
about it. She can cook a meal on one. That's just how strongly they feel about it. And it's okay
because there are some things that we feel very strongly about. And so I don't know about
other cultures, but I know in the culture that I'm from, even my uncles, my cousins, my brothers,
they all say the same thing. So it could mean that you've been married before you were married for a
very long time, you know, and you were in for, you were married for a long time. And so now you're
trying to date and it's like, look, we ain't hear about no gender roles around here. We just trying
to get to know each other. Don't, don't put me in a place that I've not given you to put me,
but I want you to maybe consider not being concerned with that comment and just know
they're just being a man and just give them grace. And if they say, can you cook? Yeah, I can cook,
you know, or sure. You know, sure. I can cook. What's your favorite meal? Just make a conversation
and I also kind of step out of my comfort zone too. He was my culture and Ebony, I don't want
to go there, but he was my culture. And I know exactly what that's what they do. And I'm like,
it's like, confirm. That's why I don't want to go there all about the cooking and a lot of
this nonsense. And I'm like, listen, we're not even there yet. Come on guys. Yeah. So yeah. Yeah.
So yeah. And I did my perimeters is Virginia and around, should I take off the around?
I need you to go on a date. You've been getting a lot of practice in it. I want you to date.
Right. And I have one more question. When I have numbers throwing at me like crazy and I have this
old fashioned way where I kind of felt better where they reach out to me. Should I reach out
to them? I have numbers thrown at me like crazy. And I just don't feel like reaching out. Is that
something that I should do? You should reach out. You need to go on a date. Yes, I do. I do.
He gave you his number. He's saying, you can give me a call. I would like to get to know you.
As some men, as soon as they talk, they just put their number in the chat. It used to really get
on my nerves. I'm like, you think I'm going to call you and I don't know you. But after you've
been around here for a while, it's like, look, do you want to talk or not? I'm not going to sit on
this app and text you back and forth. But that's not, everyone doesn't have to do that because
somebody else is tired of the rigmarole. You're not going to get on no dating site. So they need
to follow whatever protocol you have in place if that's what you feel safe with. But Felicia,
you have to go on a date. And so they give you a number. You can say, hey, thanks for your number.
What's a good time to reach out to you? If you want to give it a little more space, like
a little more structure. Yeah.
Do that. Okay. All right. I'm going on it. I'm getting it. All right. Go on a date by next Friday. Yes, I will. Thank you.
All right, Renee.
Hello.
I am like, Heather. I have not introduced myself and said hi to everybody. But hello, everyone.
I am I am
out there. So I do a lot of volunteering. I am around men all the time. And none of them are interested. It is actually an interesting dynamic. I've gone on a couple dates. But one, I call him sweater vest. Don't judge me. But he was wearing a sweater vest. I am not of the age of wearing a sweater vest at all.
Um, but I just, when Jackie said, find seven dates, I'm like, there are no men locally where I live. At least they have to have teeth. That's one of my requirements. You have to have all your teeth, like at least some of your teeth. You know, I'm not saying like, but I'm, I don't want you to have full dentures. But I do want you to have all your teeth and my area is famous for not having teeth.
Um, so I am, I'm just at a loss of when I go on these trips, and I'm around all these guys. Um, they don't see me as dating material. So I'm not really sure what I'm doing wrong. Or even when I'm online. I'm a very straightforward woman.
And so like, if the guy asked me about cooking, yeah, I probably would say something like, I'm sorry, but I don't mind to cook, but hopefully you can.
So I'm just not sure how to get the dates.
Yeah. Okay. Well, let us see your profile. Let us see your pictures. One. Okay. Number two, I re I require teeth as well. And I like them to be clean. Yes. Yes. I have learned that if they, if they do, I've worked through some situations. I'm like, Hey, we, we can rock, but you're gonna have to go get a deep clean.
I mean, if they have good quality, you now I'm telling you, you, as you learn, if you get to know people, somebody has some good qualities, there's some things you can help out with. Right. If you think that they have a good enough quality to get to know, um, valid, that comes with some time. But, you know, I don't always, you know, if I think you, you're dealing with, I'm dealing with a quality person. I pass your breath me, we can take care of it. I ain't got to leave.
Everybody's thinking sometime, let me be your friend, but if you think it's all the time, you can get your cavities or something done. But anyway, so Renee, let's look at your profile because you'll see what you're saying. And then if you are being straightforward, I want to ask you to put some sugar on top of your straightforward. And, um, have you watched the divine feminine yet?
I have, I'm pretty sure.
Sometimes our straightforwardness can be aggressive and abrasive. And it is a turnoff for me, for women to be that way, because that is not the femininity of a woman. A woman is feminine. But if we have a lot of protective measures, I am straightforward. I am, but there's a way that you can be straightforward. And you want to put some sentiment and sugar on your straightforwardness and soft. So you want to become softer.
And I don't know how long you've had to do life on your own. There are a lot of things that cause us to operate more in our masculine order. When you have to take care of yourself, do things for yourself, all of that pulls out the more masculine part of you. And so in this process, you have to learn how to become softer along the way.
And being abrasive, aggressive, straightforward is not going to get you a date because no man wants to date a man.
Right. And that's hard for me because I am, I'm ex-military. And I worked with all men. So I, I try to be soft, but it really is difficult because especially working with all men, I had to tell them what to do and assert myself very much so. And it's just part of my personality.
Also, I'm just, it's not aggressiveness. I'll just, I tell you like it is. I don't fluff. I try to be soft, but it's not as great. I really do. Unless, but if you bother me, I'm going to tell you, or I'll be
Straightforward like with those scammers. I'm just straightforward with them. I like dude. You don't know what you're talking about
I'm not writing around and that's just so I'm I'm not really sure how to be soft in a way that
Men don't see it as threatening
Yes, that's a good point or that I need a rescuer
I guess the other one is either I go to trying to find a rescuer if I want to be soft
So I don't know the balance
Right, you you don't know the balance. So let's start with I don't know. Do you wear dresses? I do
I actually love to wear a dress
Okay, do you smile a lot? I do
Okay, do you make eye contact with me in a smile outside of work? I know you can't do it at work. I do
Okay
Usually those things will help a woman soften up if she's not soft
It seems very simple, but it will soften you as a woman because you feel more dainty
The goal is to get a dainty feeling and so do you wear makeup? Do you wear earrings? Do you wear jewelry?
Do you wear clothes that are more flattering to your body? I
Do I don't wear makeup that much I try I'm trying to get in the habit of wearing more makeup
But I am a tall woman also and dainty is hard
I
Want you to take a picture of what you may wear on a date
Okay, I think we can help you tap into your femininity
It is challenging for you to tap into femininity if you work with men and you have to be like them on job
so I don't want you to beat yourself up and I
Don't know what your history is with being feminine or what your history is out to get all that plays a role in how we show
Up, um now and so it may be a journey, but we can help get you there. And I know you think it's hard
What it's hard for you to do
but whatever you have to do you're gonna we're gonna have to get you soft because no man wants to date a man and
Right. You want a husband and you're gonna learn now because when you get married
He's not gonna want to be another man from your job and you're gonna do that
You are more likely gonna do it than you are to do something else because that's what you're shaped in
And you're gonna feel like you can't help yourself, but I'm telling you you can
You have to deny yourself your natural inclinations and say no
I'm not gonna operate that way, right?
if I if if the man doesn't I've been married before and if my when my
Ex-husband didn't step up to play. I was like, that's fine
I'll do it like I'm gonna do it if you're not gonna do it
And so he put me in the role of being more masculine
Than
What he was supposed to and so it just became a natural thing with me to be like, don't worry
I got this I'll handle this
right and
Yeah, yeah, you just naturally do it. Yeah, it happened when I was married a woman's like, okay, you can't get the job done
I'm trying to get the job done. I have to get the job done
I just got to do what I got to do and a woman will take over and do that and she doesn't realize it's turning
Her into the masculine role and then she keeps demanding of him, but he's not gonna step up in that way
So how however though?
Um, and then some things you can do when you start dating in conversation when a man shares something you can be like
Oh, that's a good idea or that's an idea. It don't have to be a good idea
Just say that's an idea like it's that type of language that helps you
Like it helps you like if y'all are like this
Helps you drop down a little bit and shifts his position here a man likes to know that he had a good idea
Women like to know that there they want to be right in my way
It's the right way and can't you just see that my way is the right way and if you just do it the way that
I tell you you understand that what I said was right all along because what I say is right and
If it don't work, then we can consider what you said, but it is gonna work because what I say is right
Right
Very much running script inside of us. And so we're gonna let us look at your profile
Let us see your profile and then let's start coaching through your conversations, you know
Mm-hmm. Okay. Yeah. Thank you. I appreciate it
Pretty
Hello, hey girl, how are you good?
Okay, so I did not have a conversation with my friend yet and I'm I'm kind of dilly-dallying
We haven't been around in the same city like for a long time. Like I had some travel
And he had some trouble but the times that we did meet like it was kind of weird too
Like because it was very specific about some logistics, and it was just kind of like hey like let's go on a coffee date
I didn't muster courage for it, but also it was kind of honest like it was not the right fit at that time
But having said that I have challenged myself to do it and sometime in
This month so hopefully I'll have an update for you soon, but I did recreate my profile
Or create new profile based on because Marley lives in my town right so she
Give me feedback about hinge being a good app
So I had not tried that because I generally got the feedback that it's good for people in their 20s
But anyway, I'm on it now, and I recreated my profile on bumble. I showed some friends of mine
My pictures, but I'm happy to also post it because I've actually never like it'll be really nice
If I could have your oversight on that in terms of pictures. I'm a little conservative with my pictures
But you know like I mean you can tell me if this is good or not and I'll update but anyway
I'm there on two
Websites I haven't had like I haven't had anybody ask me out
But I am taking the challenge of the seven dates
Like I really need to like I haven't even had a date since like
Cove it so it'll be really good for me to at least get out there once or seven times rather
and
I
Have like I mean you know I'm relatively new in this face
So I'm really learning a lot like I just finished watching dating 101 which was super helpful
for me
I think somebody already talked about like how to be safe in an online dating culture like those things have been super helpful
So I'm making a lot of notes and applying
Those principles, but I asked a question if some you or someone could tell me I've not tried Facebook dating
But also like I just want to be careful because I have a lot of snoopy relatives on
Facebook who I don't really want to share what's happening in my life
And so like if I get on the website, can they see like okay?
Yeah
If they're on Facebook dating they're a guy they will see you're
Okay, and if somebody in your family life is a female and they like females they probably
Okay, gotcha gotcha, but like general friends won't be able to see that. I don't know they can't see that you're on Facebook dating
Okay, okay. Okay. Okay. So then I guess I will join that and see how that goes
Yeah, all the way they can see it. It's a guy
Who sees you then knows your family and it's like, oh I saw
pretty on
Right. Yeah, I mean that's a risk
I'm willing to take like most people who are snooping around are already married. I don't think they're on dating website
But yeah, like I'm taking the challenge of like getting out on dates pretty seriously
And I think it'll be good practice for me as I told you like I have no like real dating experience
It'll be kind of really good
Have you had any conversations
Yeah, like I introduced like so on bumble you reach out first. Yeah, right and so
Like I have been more thoughtful about asking more thoughtful opening questions, so I've done that
People have responded now again like Canadians, especially where I am
We go crazy in the summer, right? Like we have hundred good days or weather
So like we're all out and about so the two three people I connected like either somebody else's in a music
So I'm going for a music concert that night. So we just let them know. Hey like thank you for connecting, but I'm away tonight
Like I'll connect tomorrow and then we just have not connected
But like I mean as I was listening to you
I was encouraged and I just sent like an update message to the three people that I connected with
Other people like, you know when you connect with them and you ask them a question if they are not interested
They just don't respond and they cannot disappear in a bubble like that's what's happened
for most of the profiles
But
I'm happy to share like screenshots of my profile and can I get feedback?
I showed it to my friends who have been like helping me in small ways like they're not part of this program
But like everybody's kind of just wait like, you know
They've been I kind of have like my tribe of people who are like rally
Right now and so like they told me okay show me pictures that you use like, you know, like blah blah blah
they read what I
What I've said about myself and they were like, yeah, you're not lying you're not like you're sounding enthusiastic
Yeah, sticking out good
But yeah, like I mean, it'll be great to just like have your inputs on it
So I'll share it but like I am believing like I mean
I wrote down all the affirmations that we went through yesterday's activation again
And I'm them because again like yes, I have no history or yes, like, you know
I've not had a successful history, but like I do believe that it's gonna change and I'm just kind of going from there
Yeah, be great. That sounds good. Pretty. I'm happy for you. Okay. Thank you. Yes
I am hoping to give you an update soon. Please pray for courage
Yeah, you know what? You can't tell him like hey, I'm in this new dating group and they said that friends make good dates
I thought about you
Okay, that's that's a better like that's a like less awkward, okay
That's helpful. Like I give say give no giving you honest real feedback. What do you think about it?
You know, yeah, he's gonna say something be like, okay. Well, okay
Cool. Cool. I will try that. Okay. Yeah. Thank you. You're welcome Byron
Oh
Hey
well, I want to tell you that I
Did step up
when we got off the call last week, and so I did go and
Did a challenge where she said to put something out on?
Facebook and I was just like hey y'all
Your girl here is coming is coming out of hiding my coming out of hiding is
you know, I haven't dated in years and
And
Hey, so this is what I'm doing
so I told everybody that and I got a lot of really good feedback a
lot of people from my church and they was like, oh my gosh and because I also put in there that
I've never been I've never been married before and this would be you know, you know a first first for me
I put in there that if you know of anybody and because you know me
then
You feel that they're a good connection that there will be a good connect
Then hey, feel free to send me a message
Because I said I'm just I'm dating but I'm datings with intention of becoming a wife
And so I got a lot of you know, good comments and everything and some people sent me something
No one have actually really sent me any connections, but I had this one girl
To send me something she was in my women my single women group. I used to have that some years ago and
She sent me some and she was like miss Byrne. You're so sweet what I did
I took your information and she just blasted it everywhere and and no here come the day
He'll come the enemy was like see you never
And
She was saying miss Byrne is such a sweet lady
She was you know
One of my she was in my single women's group and and you know
She have to be good because she was security. She's a security to the all of the female ministers
I wasn't well, which we call it an escort and she was like and she's great and she say so miss Byrne
I hope you're okay with that. I was like I said, I miss I said, thank you. So she's a younger girl
I said, thank you so much, and I appreciate it
However, I did go on and tell some of my friends a few of my friends. I did tell them
I did tell some of my sisters. I have five sisters. I had seven but I have five sisters
And so I told two of them about it and they were like, yeah, you know
I told my brother and he don't care cuz he was like girl
You
you just eat grass you're not gonna eat nothing when you go and you come to everything with your own food because I
I am funny with that because I wouldn't well, I guess you can say I'm vegetarian there
Whatever whatever cuz I don't eat meat, but I can pack down with some fruit and vegetables and all of that
He was like no man's gonna have you and he just runs this by me every time because you're too picky
But anyway, so I'm really excited about it
Because I'm just looking forward to the practicing and and getting a chance to just yeah
and now that I know when you
made made me feel the other week about it was not as scary when you was like
Y'all just going to you know
You're talking to it's not saying that you may just marry them or anything like that. Maybe you're just going and you're you're
Finding out about yourself a lot of things about yourself in the dating and everything
So what I the other thing that I did too was that someone mentioned
Facebook dating, you mentioned that, and then somebody put in there the Holi app.
And so I did go on the Holi app and I set up a profile and everything, and that's been
fun.
Now, I haven't gotten anybody to, I haven't gotten a date yet or anything like that, but
I was enjoying going through reading their profiles and everything.
So it was really interesting.
I'm in Atlanta, Georgia, so I haven't really got any, I had a few people from Georgia that
I was looking at, but the ones that I'm seeing now is just like a plethora of people all
over.
But it's still been interesting just reading their profiles.
I have been enjoying that.
And I'm also going to, I'm going to do the Facebook to go on and do that as well.
I'm on Facebook all the time at night because I work overnight.
I work in hospice.
So I have clients that I have overnight, so I'm up all night.
So usually I'm on Facebook marketplace, but I was like, okay, let me go make a profile
and then I can do that.
So I'm really excited about it and I've been enjoying listening to everybody else, you
know, that have gone before me.
So it's been really interesting.
I did kind of up my age range.
I just turned 60, the young age of 62.
So I said between 60 and 73, that was my, that's my age range.
And so, yeah, I've been seeing some nice people out there that I've been sending.
I did have, but my question was, one of the questions was, let's see, you said something
about what's Google, you said, like, you don't give your real number.
You give like a, like WhatsApp or Google or what, what did y'all say about that?
I didn't say don't, you can give your real number.
I don't, you, well, you can get a Google number and so then you could just look for a Google
number, like go to Google and say Google number.
I think that's what you can put in there and you can get a Google number.
It'll come to your phone, just like when you get that Google number, they'll call that
number, text that number, it'll come to your phone, just like your regular phone would,
just like your regular number would.
Okay.
Now I do have WhatsApp and I did, I had a guy on Facebook.
I thought he was a friend of somebody from school and I was going to, I was thinking
I was going to be able to look at his stuff or whatever.
And I hit yes for the friend request and I tried to unfriend him really quick, but
he must've been sitting there waiting on me and he sent a message right back.
And I found out really quick in reference to the scammers because we talked on WhatsApp.
He quickly sent me a WhatsApp, but he also, in our conversation, he told me a couple of
things and because I worked with a phone company years and years ago, I knew about the country
codes and he told me he had a little daughter over that she was in boarding school in London.
And so when I got that number, it was a London code.
But anyway, my daughter, who's a police officer, just saw me acting foolish there and kind
of secretive.
And she was like, mom, I don't know what you're doing, but you better let me see so I can
make sure that everything is okay.
And so in about two days, I'm going to tell you this, you guys are in about, we talked
for four days.
The second day, he threw out there about how beautiful I was.
Now, he only saw the pictures, not me in person because we didn't talk that way.
But the second day we had a conversation, he started asking about money and the way
he did it, he was like, you know, I would really love to continue talking to you.
He said, but I'm, I'm, I'm offshore.
And his cash app, not a cash app, Apple pay card or whatever, something about he needed
to load that because something was going on with this money being held up.
And I can joke around with you all day long, but I'm pretty smart too.
So I'm listening to what he's saying.
And so me, you know, I'm talking to him about God and God's going to work it out and tell
him all these things like that.
But anyway, so the next time he came around and asked about the money, he was like, I
really want to talk to you and I don't want this to be our last date.
And I say, well, you know what, let me tell you this, I haven't dated in over 20 years.
So if we wait till Jan, till June, which was my birthday, he was like, he was going to
come to Atlanta.
I say, that gives us time to just, you know, think about if we really want to get a chance
to see each other.
And then we can do that in June.
I want to talk to you now.
I want to be, and I was like, wait one minute.
And so, and I was telling him, I was like,
we don't, we shouldn't have to rush about this
because we only been talking like four days.
Well, so the way I got rid of him
and I really was getting ready to go down
for my daughter to switch out her car.
And so, and I was like, listen, you know
we don't get a chance to talk again.
You know, I think you're very great.
You're a great guy and you know, whatever, whatever.
And I say, but I have to go at my daughter
down to the police precinct to switch out her car.
And I wasn't lying.
I said, we didn't, you know.
And so I asked my daughter later, I say,
hey, I want to ask you about something.
She said, mom, I know you've been doing something.
She say, but I told you to let me check this out.
And I said, listen, he have my pictures
because from Facebook.
And then one day he said, take a picture, send it to me.
And I'm gonna take a picture and send to you.
And we did that, but you can still send me anything.
I said, click it then.
But anyway, so come to find, I told my daughter,
I said, how do I go in and block him?
And she was like, I'll just let you sit there
cause I told you to talk to me first
about what you're doing.
So I did, I went on and blocked him and all that.
I was like, cause I'm afraid my picture
is gonna show up somewhere and you know,
on some porn or whatever.
But anyway, so I got out of that.
So I do know, you know, what to look for
with the scammers and stuff because she have,
you know, went over those things for me
because I just don't know how to date like this now
with all of the, but I'm up to, you know,
trying something and I'm excited for my first date.
Yeah.
And Ms. Byrne too, I want you,
when most of the time in my experience,
when people use WhatsApp, it's just already like,
oh, this is already, I don't use WhatsApp like that.
I have people that like group chats, but not dating.
Cause every time someone in my experience,
online dating wanna use WhatsApp, they're usually scammers.
Yeah. That's what they, that's what they told.
She told me that.
And then when I went back to look something up
about WhatsApp, it did say that to be careful
cause they, that's what they use.
Yeah.
But yeah, you handle it well.
And I want you to know the thought,
somebody can get your picture from anywhere.
Cause a lot of times we think, oh, they got my number.
Oh, they got my picture.
You could type in somebody's number
and pull up where they live.
Yes.
Who their mama is, who they can people is like,
you just type it in a people search or just type it in.
It's so much information comes up.
And that's why I don't want anyone to feel fearful
about that because I've looked up so much information
on people I shouldn't even know who they could be.
I'm just saying, you know, but it's all there.
Their last, it lists literally every address they had
in the last 10 years online.
That's true.
Yeah.
So you're not, you're not, you're not,
if somebody was crazy, they just crazy.
Like they hunt you down, they hunt you down.
It wasn't nothing that you could have done to do that.
Right.
Unless you gave them your checking account number.
They can't get that.
Right.
But no, I'm excited for you.
And I'm happy for you.
And I'm glad that that young lady,
someone put in the comments
and we're gonna catch the rest of y'all right quick.
Cause I know y'all have been waiting a long time
that she must've thought very highly of you.
And I'm actually glad she did post it
because her friends may have fathers
who are looking.
That's the thing.
They're looking for someone.
And so that was really good.
Yeah.
I did just to tell the girls in my group,
the younger girls, I'm like, okay,
if your dad and your mom are not together no more,
or your uncle, your brother.
And they would laugh at me all the time.
I used to tell that to my girls in high school
when I taught in, when I taught school.
And it was like, well, they, you know,
they used to call me auntie.
And they, I was like, look,
if your mom and dad are not together no more,
they separate.
Y'all know me.
Y'all know I'd be a good step-mom for her.
But anyway, I love to have fun.
And everything.
And I appreciate her doing that.
And it was just, you know,
her being thoughtful of me and everything.
So I appreciate her doing that.
So yeah.
Oh, great.
That's good.
All right.
Thanks for the update, Byron.
All right.
Stephanie.
Hi.
It's my first time talking on these calls.
So yeah.
I'm so nervous.
So I've done nothing yet, by the way,
except for come out of hiding.
But I know that's a big step.
So it is a big step.
I came out of hiding via text message
to like people in my community,
just because that's more of who I am
and my style and making it personal.
And I posted that in the group too,
because something you called out
was about the shame that was coming up.
And I wanted to inform my community of that
so they know how to also partner with me for prayer.
And so I did that. I got really good response to that. My best
friend is excited because I came out of hiding. She's like,
finally, I can finally you're in phase two. So I can introduce
you to some guys freaked me out completely, though. But I was
like, All right, I'm open. And I know I want to do. I know those
can't be my first two dates. I feel like I need low risk for
one. So I know I want to get online again. Well, I know I
need to get online again. I don't want to because my last
experiences with getting online were not favorable. And I know
I'm a different person now. But my a couple of like my I my
last boyfriend met him on Facebook dating and then my ex
fiance I met on eHarmony. So yes, it's really challenging
for me to to take those steps. Especially because my with my
ex boyfriend, the last relationship, it was tough
because he's part of the that experience is part of the reason
why I even got off of Facebook got off Instagram just because
of his lack of trust level and just really cut off a lot of
people. And so I've even been reconnecting with with
friendships and stuff that he wasn't he didn't want me to be
connected with. So my so even so I know my Facebook dating would
also look a lot differently because of the fact that my
Facebook is a work email address and only because I do digital
marketing. So it's it's so stripped down. So yeah, so I'm
just I'm having trouble with navigating this season and just
also felt that urge from God to one, express how I'm feeling
nervous, how I am one of those people who was dragging my feet
through phase one and took the word of don't rush through the
process super seriously. And I not only didn't rush, I went
slower than probably what I should have. And I want to hold
myself accountable here and say it out loud that I'm, I might
try to do that here. So you may have to like boot me out of
phase two, because I'm one of those that will take my precious
time and want my hand held a little bit. But yeah, I'm, I'm
not sure how to, I haven't signed up for anything yet.
Because I didn't think I had any pictures, but I actually sat
down, look through my pictures over the last year. And I'm
like, Oh, I do have something I've gone to some weddings. I've
I've been places because I really don't like taking
pictures. So I also have to get out of that mode of not liking
taking pictures, because I feel like what do I do with my hands?
What? How do I stand? What do I do with my face? So right. It's
like, as soon as the camera comes up, it's like, it's like,
it doesn't even look like me.
Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm really happy for you that you did come
out of hiding. I've never if any coming out of hiding, I've
never posted on my Facebook page. That is not me. Y'all that
do that are brave and amazing. And you should do it because we
encourage you to do it because that's what Jackie says do. I
send text messages out. So or I told people face to face, which
was still the same, like really nerve wracking, but I just went
for it. So you did well, and I'm happy for you. And we're happy
to hold your hand. And, you know, even though you don't have
a personal profile set up with Facebook dating, you can still
go with the profile that you have. And this is something I
want to say. We before this program, a lot of us may have
done a lot of things. But I'm telling you, you're different
this time. And it's different this time. Because you're in a
program that is based off of the Word of God. This is a
culture of kingdom, we're having a revival of kingdom marriages.
This program has acceleration on it has an anointing upon it. And
it has the hand of God upon it and you're different. You set
under some teachings that help do soul work based on what God
poured into to Jackie, it is different. I don't care how many
counselors you've been to I have a therapist, I have a trauma
therapist, and she is excellent. But I thought the same thing
when I got out there. Oh, I did this. I did that I did. But it
was just different. Because you could feel God's hand on there's
an anointing on this program. So I just want to encourage you
guys with it. You may have dated on online dating in the past,
but you're a different woman. When you are different woman,
when you get different tools, when you strip out the old and
bring on the new, you see with fresh lenses. And so it is
There's a tendency for us to go back to what we know,
but you don't have to do that this time.
Let's move forward into things
that you haven't practiced before,
things you haven't did before.
You're God-defended now.
You don't have to lean to your own wisdom.
You have the wisdom of God overseeing you on this journey,
getting you to a kingdom marriage.
God is invested in kingdom marriages.
See, a lot of times we're invested
into a marriage or relationship
based on the world's culture
and the world's way of doing something
so we won't be lonely,
so we can have somebody to go to the firework show with,
so we can have this and we can have that.
And those things, there's nothing wrong with that.
However, and so the Bible says,
seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and his righteousness,
and all these things will be added unto you.
He has an agenda and he adds these things unto you.
And so one thing about him,
when you sign up to do things God's way,
there is a way he does it.
And that's why there's an alignment that has to happen
that you resist,
because you want to do it your way
and say, give me God's results.
And he's like, it don't work like that.
You don't get my way,
you don't get your way and my results, right?
And so we have to be encouraged
that when if we're gonna be suited by heaven
to be prepared,
be the woman that he presents to this kingdom man
that you want,
that's gonna make you feel safe and loved and supported
and be emotionally available to you,
that he's not about to give his kingdom man no scraps.
He ain't gonna give him no chopped liver.
The same way he's not gonna give you chopped liver.
And that's why it serves us best
to go according to the program
that you've paid your money to be a part of.
So this is not me getting onto you, Stephanie.
I hope this is put encouraging you
that this time is different.
This is not me just trying to build up something in you.
It's true.
This time is different.
This time your approach is different.
This time you're not gonna do relationships
the way you did relationships in the past.
I don't know how you did it,
but this time you're not gonna do it.
And that's why I encourage all y'all
and we are well out of time
because we gotta get to 10.
I encourage you, do the program you signed up for.
Do it the way the program says do it.
You don't have anything to lose.
If it doesn't work, go back to your way.
But what I do know is that your way didn't work
because if your way worked,
you wouldn't have been in this program.
Just like my way didn't work.
But there is a way that has been laid in front of you.
And I'm saying this just to bring courage to you.
This time it really is different.
And you don't have to be afraid of the mistakes
of your past because the past is gone.
The present is now.
And I refuse to let any of you guys
under the sound of my voice,
live in bondage to your past.
The past has no hold on you.
You know, they always use that example.
You can't drive looking in your rear view mirror.
It's the truth.
You're gonna crash.
And so Stephanie be filled with courage.
Put yourself out there.
It is scary.
And the scary part is not gonna change.
It's just not.
Ain't no way you can do it.
Ain't nothing you can do about it.
It's really isn't.
And fear comes to tell,
fear comes as an invitation to courage.
Courage doesn't show up unless there's fear.
You ain't got never worry about courage
or bravery coming on the scene if fear is not around.
See, sometimes we think cause fear is there,
it means I go high.
No, it's an invitation.
Fear is knocking at your door and says courage home.
Is courage home?
Oh, courage is not home today.
Then it comes back again.
Every time you get ready to do something new,
to cross a new milestone, to take new territory,
fear comes, hey, is courage home?
Is courage home?
Courage gonna have to open the door and say, yes, I'm here.
If you don't move, I'm going straight through you.
Cause this is the way I'm going.
And if you standing there, I'm going straight through you.
So.
Yeah, that's good.
That's really good.
Thank you for that.
And I listened to,
because of my apprehension
and wanting to do everything before,
even setting up a profile,
listen to all the videos
and then I'm re-listening to them over and over again.
So, I have that as a challenge for myself
to work on that for sure, to work on the profile.
I guess I'll sign up for Facebook dating.
So by Saturday, go ahead and post your profile picture
and your profile that you set up.
Is Friday, Saturday a good day for you?
Or maybe by Tuesday of next week, you'll have it done?
I can do by Tuesday.
Cause I was gonna drag my feet more than that.
I knew it.
I was like, if I give it too much time,
it ain't gonna never get done.
So I'm like, you need a tight shift around here.
Okay.
So by Tuesday of next week,
I should see on the community wall
or on the coachings tab,
your profile picture and everything that you've done already.
Not, we're gonna look at it then you're gonna post it.
No, you just post it.
We'll fix it later.
Okay, I can do that.
Okay, sounds good.
And try to do a picture with yellow, you look good in yellow.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
And then if you can share in this doesn't have to be like right now but I'd love to hear more information on like how you or other because I know you mentioned about waiting to kiss until your wedding day.
And I am a physical touch person and I know that has been the worst slippery slope for me and has got me into trouble. So, like, even approaching that in conversations approaching, like, the physical touch aspect within the dating process.
I mean, I mean guardrails. So, yes. Yeah, you do. So, that's a choice I made because of my past. Same. That's, that's why I'm doing that push. Yes, but physical touch is different from lust.
You need to understand there's a difference between operating on the spirit of lust and physical touch because one thing I will do.
If I'm in an exclusive relationship. I will hold hands. I will sit close on the, like, sofa and watch a movie, I will rest my head on his chest isn't an exclusive relationship, I go exclusive after nine days.
And the reason why I hold myself to that is because it works.
It really does work.
And I've done it wrong so many times I can't you can't count how many times I need a wrong way. If they say, don't let somebody come to your house. The first thing I did was come over let's watch a movie.
I've done it. So I know it works. It works really well to hold off on physical. So we have to, you do have to, and so I'll be happy to help you with it. We'll have to walk you through it, but I want you to know there are lots of ways to have physical touch.
So if somebody touched you, and you're ready to have sex, that's a problem because see those are two different things you should be able to be touched without wanting to have sex because I can touch you and you're not going to want to have sex.
Right.
So that means I'm still giving you physical touch, but something is happening when the opposite sex touches you and you're not able to control yourself or be self discipline, and there are a lot of reasons why they could be. So yes, because I've been down the road so yes I'd be happy to support you in the journey.
Thank you. You're welcome. But one rule you can start practicing now and we're gonna go team on 903, just because I like physical touch doesn't mean I have to have sex there's two different things.
Yeah. Okay.
Tammy.
Oh, we had 903, we don't, I'm gonna try to get this really quick super quick. Yeah. So, um, I.
So I signed up with the arc, the arc of dating.
And 11 people reached out to me.
Yeah, and because I signed up before. And then I went on the 21 day fast.
And, and then I some sent me some gold stars stuff.
And I felt pretty good about my, my profile, and then two people.
Out of all the other ones, two of them were like, one just said, well anyway, one of them sent me a gold thing, and then the other one, I think, and then the other one just said happy Saturday Tammy.
And I just responded, you know, to him.
He sent me something Saturday I sent him back a message. It's great to hear from you. You know what a nice surprise, is what I said. Can you hear me.
I'm on mute, but I can hear you. Yes. Okay, so when he reached out to me on Sunday.
I happened to be on there because I wanted to finish setting up my profile.
And then Monday I heard back from him.
And then, or Sunday night, but I didn't reach back until Monday, because he said one time a day.
Don't, don't spend a lot of time on there.
Someone's. Yeah, just don't spend a lot of time on there.
And then all of a sudden, you know he was asking me like you know how long, how long did he live in Florida.
And I was like, I don't know, I don't know.
And then all of a sudden, you know he was asking me like you know how long, how long did he live in Florida. And then I told him, and, but I lived in Texas before and then you know how long have you lived in North Carolina and he told me but he's from Nebraska, and it just kind of went like that.
And then.
um he he attends church a lot and stuff because on the ark you put about your bible you put about
you know like your religious beliefs and stuff so i felt pretty confident with that
but then we we were i was messaging him back and then he just vanished right and it was like a
whole hour and i was just like he hasn't even responded and i thought it was the rudest thing
and i think it triggered something on the inside of me and i said i cannot believe you would just
you know just leave a conversation and not have the decency to to even excuse yourself i said that
block and i blocked him and and i thought like why did i why did i do that you know and i started
actually feeling like certain things he reminded me he started reminded me of an ex-boyfriend that
i went with for 18 months that i broke off with him five times because my heart told me that he
was not the one so you know i broke off the relationship the final was like in 2017 so it's
been eight years and um but something about him reminded me of who i was with before and i just
said i can't go there i just can't go there you know um yeah and so i just wound up blocking him
and then i felt really bad so i contacted support and said you know i blocked him but i just kind
of wanted to you know just make it right say hey it was great get to know you i wish you all the
best kind of thing but they're like once you block then you're unmatched because we matched on five
categories um out of however many and so and then the other guy i just sent him a message and stuff
and i haven't you know heard back or whatever and then all the other ones i just kind of went through
and i just said not interested not interested you know i just like didn't do anything so
yeah that was like my first thing i thought i don't think i should have done that or handled
it that way but i can tell you i got triggered so i think it's good that you recognize that you
got triggered and that it's okay that you handled it that way um i want you to next time you decide
to block a person just let it be you let it be i realized that afterwards yeah i would encourage
you don't try to double back what's important is that you realize he triggered me and i blocked him
okay why did i do that he was like oh because he reminded me of this person and that happened even
before you made it to that point like it was probably brewing on the inside of you
that reminder and then when he did something you like bam i knew you would like him
like you would you didn't know it but possibly inside of you you were looking for evidence to
prove that you were right that's why you couldn't think of anything else but how rude of you
right because why wasn't your first thought oh he must have got busy oh did his phone go dead
oh he must have had to be somewhere oh maybe he had to be at bible study i don't know like there
could have been a lot of things maybe he could maybe he could have had to go to the bathroom
like there are so many reasons and your brain went one way for some reason and it probably was
because he already reminded you of that and you're just now getting back out there right and so you
got to work through the triggers of your brain reminding you of something when somebody does
something like somebody else because they're gonna do things that remind you of somebody
else because all of us are people but as you keep doing it all your that kind of stuff is
gonna fall aside because you're gonna start making your own decisions and not letting your
history make a decision for you right and so and a lot of times what can trip you up is when you're
dating and you know you can hold on to this if you want or it may offend you when i say it a lot of
times we think god has more to do with it than he but he doesn't have a lot to do with a lot of
things and if you keep inserting spiritual into this dating process so heavily tammy it can trip
you up a lot because if you're in a dating process and god is writing your love story
he wants to see you grow because your husband is going to trigger you your husband is going to
remind your stuff and god wants to he wants to refine you and so every person you talking to
you go is this the one oh god says it's not the one when you gonna learn if you could have
everybody you talk to because he's not the one but you've not been refined for the one and so
this is not coming from somebody who is not
before the Lord and an intercessor and hearing the Lord and all of these things.
He's allowed people to come into my life to refine me and it is not always is he the one
is he the one time God told me if I told you he was you gonna plan a wedding instead of getting
to know him that's what you're gonna do he said because just like a person is kind they're not so
kind just like they're all these things they are the opposite of because that's the makeup of a
person and I need you to learn how to make wise decisions I need you to learn how to get to know
people I need you to take this journey evening because I was the queen of is this it is this
one is this one this is one I don't know what you think God what I mean like literally it's
this back and forth thinking it hinders this process but I'm not because your God defended
he's gonna nudge you right um yeah I actually when after all this like the last since yesterday
I just said this is this is true the truth I said um I'm just gonna go like if if you know
somebody reaches out or whatever I'm just gonna hold a conversation because I'm learning more
about me so yeah yeah I'm just gonna hold a conversation because this is how people build
relationships and friendships and things like that and maybe the person may not be for me but
maybe he'll be for somebody else that I might know that maybe I can you know say hey I have
a friend that you know or whatever so but you know I think everybody you know we're all in this
in this like we're all growing you know God is refining me and stuff and
you know I was just um yeah yeah I just I was kind of disappointed in myself that I handled it that
way I really no no no no I'm just saying oh in hindsight yeah yeah yeah and I was just like why
like why did I do that I really should I should not you know have done that and stuff yeah because
there's so many things that that one can talk about you know like one of the things he said
was ask me about my faith and that I was like you know yeah tell me about your faith like how did you
come to me now and then he just started telling me you know when I was 23 years old he him and I
are the same age okay he's like yeah we're the same age he's six foot tall I'm 5'4 and he he
wears like beautiful suits and dresses very well and um just really classy you know and and I I
have pictures like I like to dress like that too I like to dress up you know so I just thought you
know this is great he's a dresser he's a he's a really good dresser you know so but I didn't
compliment I so badly wanted to but I didn't want to say something physical because he probably gets
that you know and I didn't want to focus on physical I wanted to focus more on internal
so I really didn't say anything about any of that yeah and so but yeah so that's kind of
how it went and I was just like yeah I could have handled it different differently but
I just made a decision that whoever I communicate with whether or not I think like oh no way
right I'm at least going to respond and say hey you know um thanks for reaching out and stuff
like that I say how's your day going like you know just something small and yeah and not be
so quick to cut them off because I'm like one can put boundaries and be like dude you just
crossed the line I've done that in the past you I'm sorry but you know yeah I just don't want to
do that I just well I think you're doing a good team I think you learned a lot and I want you to
we're going to hang we're going to disconnect way too long but Tammy if you want to compliment a man
compliment a man I want you to take all the rules out use what we gave you in the program and have
fun and if he look good say you are handsome men want men want compliments also it doesn't
matter how many people we think complimented them before they're talking to us so they're
interested in us so I want you to give compliments I want you to have fun and I want you to stop
thinking and just go for it and have okay I didn't know I could do that I didn't know I could
do that so I was just really trying to just be played safe you know this is just first second
conversation you know on messaging kind of thing spend less time messaging heavy long conversations
like tell me about your spiritual journey when somebody says they say hey I love to have that
conversation over the phone that sounds like a great conversation
topic. That way you can hear their voice, so that'll be your segment into getting a
voice phone call. You talk about all this stuff over text, you text in these long paragraphs,
that's not what that's for. You want to do small talk, right? And then share stories
of, hey, this would be a great video conversation. How about Friday? Plan it out. How about on
Friday? At the end of the week, we do a video call. But okay, got you. Ladies, I hope you
have a good night. Thank you so much. Appreciate it.
Oh, you're welcome. All right. Good night, ladies.
See ya. Thank you. All right. Good night.